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sanhwaism · 2 months

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bf!ateez and that one specific habit they do that highlights their love language

pairing ⟡ bf .ᐟ ot8 x gn .ᐟ reader

genre ⟡ established relationship, romance, fluff

author's note ⟡ haaaaapy valentine's day 💌☁️ not long ago i have reached 100 followers eeek ^_^ so so grateful for every single one of you!! take this as my gift for both this milestone and valentine's day <3 (the specific habit of theirs will be written in italics just so it can be easier to spot hehe)

k. hongjoong — quality time

ah yes, the busy and very hardworking captain :,)

he's aware of the time spent in his studio; composing and producing music are in his nature after all!

so he feels very thankful that you are understanding and always there for him to cheer him up or reassure him that he doesn't have to feel guilty even when he's pulling all nighters there

yet he still feels bad deep down

at the same time he can't abandon his work

so every chance he gets — and i mean EVERY — when he's not that overworked he makes sure to learn about what you're into so he can spend time with you in a way which you'd enjoy the most

whether it's a new game you're into, or a tv show or a book or

the moment you mention it ONCE???? be sure he's taking a mental note and paying the closest attention to it

because he acknowledges that it will be useful for later

no matter what it is, he'll try his best to pick up on it so you can have a great time together

"oh is this the new video game you started playing? guess what i actually got into it as well so we can play it together now!! :D!"

"oh i know you told me about this book you're reading so i bought a copy as well and i started it whenever i took breaks at work!! let's talk about it!! :D!"

sobs

he's genuinely so thoughtful

so yes, knowing how much time he spends away from you makes him want to learn more about your interests so the moment he has you back in his embrace, he will make sure to repay you in the sweetest way possible!

p. seonghwa — words of affirmation

the type of boyfriend that always makes sure you know how great you're doing and how proud he is of you :(

he wouldn't go a day without praising you

if he is away from you because of work, expect a very early morning message from him in which he wishes you a good day ahead, that you will do great no matter what and he hopes you get to eat some yummy food in the meantime

and then later that day more encouraging words to keep you motivated and to also remind you that he loves you dearly

sobbing again

he wants you to tell him every detail about your day so he can praise every single effort you're making out there, no matter how small or insignificant you think it is

he'd tell you that just thinking of you gives him enough energy to go throughout the day

and he'll try his best to comfort you with his magical healing words if there is something you're going through

one thing about seonghwa is that he will validate your feelings no matter what. and that makes you feel so safe and appreciated and so so loved :(((

he's just comfort personified

he feels like hot chocolate served with marshmallows on top in front of the fireplace

if he's home and there are no miles that distance him from you, every single affectionate word that comes out of his mouth sounds even more soft hearted if that's possible

because not only does he know how to pick the best words and when to use them, but also the tone of his voice is just so soft and soothing

and now that no screen separates you both, his praises feel even more meaningful

he'd gently smile while caressing your cheek and whisper that he missed you so much and now that the day is over, everything that you have accomplished makes him so proud <3

j. yunho — physical touch

oh my god

PLEASE listen to me

when i say that i keep seeing those specific cutest clips of yunho that altered my brain chemistry

i mean it

they altered it so badly to the point where my opinion on his love language changed

everything clicks in your head the moment you realize that yunho has been doing this gesture to you after you two got more comfortable with each other

you walk baside him while holding his hand?

all of the sudden you feel his large, soft hand on the top of your head

he looks at you all smiley while you talk to him?

the next second his hand is moving towards the crown of your head, cutely ruffling your hair

you're eating and paying attention to the food before your very eyes?

headpat.

another headpat.

cute little soft headpat

is it the height difference that just makes him unable to control his hand from such sweet gesture?

probably

most certainly, actually

he just can't help it :( one look at how cute you look and you don't even get the chance to finish your sentence be–

yup. headpat!!!!!

it's never enough for him, there are times where he feels the urge to just start speedily yet gently tap the top of your head countless times while your head just bops up and down

the way people do with their pets when the cuteness aggression hits (please tell me you know what i mean)

if you dont i gotchu i provide with visual representation here! (volume warning!!!! its loud!!)

he finds that HILARIOUS and so adorable at the same time

he'd just start giggling and you can't help but enjoy his laugh and playfulness

but if he doesn't stop you're gonna get dizzy a bit so he'll recieve a headpat in return!

... just a more aggressive one

call it a cute bonk ^_^

emotionally prepare yourself not to get TOO affected by his sudden puppy eyes because how dare you do such thing to him :<

apologize with a forehead smooch and he'll get all shy and so cutieful

k. yeosang — acts of service

your personal trainer angel fairy dreamy looking like boyfriend

fondly sighs

yeosang's love for you is so gentle and thoughtful

he's your safe haven

his best way to express his feelings is by making sure you're always taking care of yourself, especially reminding you daily to take your supplements and vitamins!!

one day while you were cuddling him on the couch, you expressed your desire to have a more balanced and healthy lifestyle because he inspires you to do so

that was the moment a big shiny lightbulb lit up above yeosang's head

because he had the perfect idea how to help!! :D

the next day you'd already have in your hands a cute storage vitamin box that he got for you where you can organize your vitamins by days so it can be easier for you :(

of course he has one as well

he is always the one that helps you buy them once you run out

and he'd try his best to do his research based on your preferences and what seems to work best for you

when you tell him how much of a big difference they've been making and how much more energetic you feel, his smile melts your heart

he gets all bashful and giggles to himself, waving his hand as if he doesn't consider that he has done a lot

(well i consider eating him in one bite)

after all, that's what a good boyfriend should do! no biggie!

but yeosang has no idea how much it means to you; for him to always check up in you, to be your daily reminder just in case you forget about the vitamins, to diligently help you achieve the healthy lifestyle you strive for

c. san — physical touch

everyone please act shocked

of course it's physical touch

i feel like i'd commit a crime if i didn't pick it

he's just a cute clingy cat :(

you figured out his love language quite fast, a little bit after you have made your relationship official and gave him your consent

he was shy at first

VERY shy

at first he could feel satisfied enough even with just your hand in his, or a timid hug

honestly he just wanted you near him!

but after some time when both of you got more comfortable with each other and after lots of showers with affection,

he started attacking your cheeks in the cutest way possible

every time he would have you near him, you'd see him suddenly leaning towards one side of you

next second you'd feel the softness of his cheek touching yours

and not only touch

but he would push himself even closer to you if that's possible, smushing your cheeks together while he's pouting

as if he wants to fuse both of your bodies into one because having you like that against him?? clearly isn't enough

also starts gently rubbing it against your own cheek, humming to himself because of how nice the feeling is while his eyes are closed in content

with time you got used to it and even started to like it and look forward to it

(every time i see clips of him doing that to other members i can't help but giggle)

he's just the cutest <3

no one cats the way san cats

s. mingi — quality time

the type of boyfriend that if he could, he would attach you to his hip like a lucky charm forever and ever

because you always bring him luck, inspiration and hope whenever he has you near him :(

he feels a bit lost in your absence, always looking for ways to hear from you one way or another

so a lot of times when you two would blissfully share each other's space, mingi would ask you to attend his dancing practice, so you can witness what impressive moves he came up with and what choreographies he has been working on ^^

he is truly sososososo talented

and you'd just watch him with your lips slightly parted, amazement written all over your face as your eyes would follow the way his flexible body moves like water, with such calculated and striking motions

or other times, when he'd willingly share his personal space with you in his studio where he worked on so many new instrumentals and demos that might be useful for the group's future releases or his solo projects

every minute he would turn his head towards you just so he could catch a glimpse of your face expression

and he would smile to himself as he'd gaze at the endearing way you enjoy the rhythm and overall vibe of the music

his eyes would start sparkling in the dim lighting as you praise his efforts and works

and the biggest, cutest smile would adorn his bare face

sobs mingi.. mingi!! ^__^ mingi :3 MINGI!!!!!!!!

from that moment on, he only grows more confident to have you partake in any type of project he's crafting

you soon realize that you're the only one that gets this treatment

that's how big of an effect you have on song mingi. and he loves you dearly. always share your feedback and space with him. pretty please with a cherry on top <3

he said that not me

j. wooyoung — BITING gift giving

sorry let me get serious

WOOYOUNG.

this man emanates love through every single pore so it was SO hard to pick only one love language

but it had to be done!

he's typically in his sugar baby era

but when it comes to you????????

i hope you're prepared to get spoiled ^^

his love for you is just too strong

but so is his credit card!

even before both of you confessed to each other, wooyoung had been giving you subtle hints that he was having a crush on you

and a lot of his hints were consisting mostly in him buying something for you

you eyed a cute plushie through the shop's window?

"waa, wooyoung, this plushie is so cute don't you think!!!!"

wooyoung thinks that he is buying it for you!!!!!

and you know what

he's getting two plushies actually, because they remind him of you and him

once he steps out of the shop, he hands the plushie to you with the cutest smile plastered on his lips and a twinkle in his eyes

"look, it's us," he exclaims as he brings his plushie close to the one in your hands and, to your utter surprise, makes them aggressively kiss.

(i just made myself SO devastated by writing that oh my god)

that was actually the day you two admitted having a crush on each other

from that day on, wooyoung's need to spoil you only grew

he'd want to match with you not only when it comes to a pair of plushies or ten, but clothes as well

not those that are SO visibly matching, instead more subtle ones that sort of compliment each other's looks and make you two match perfectly, like two puzzle pieces :,)

yes, wooyoung would be the one that would buy the clothes for you and surprise you with soooo many bags in front of your door, so excited for you to try on everything

he's whipped! can you blame him :(

you are his happiness and he wouldn't have it any other way, you deserve every single gift, end of discussion!!

c. jongho — acts of service

the acts of service king

i said what i said!!

also the king of americanos yup yup iktr!

speaking of americano coffee :>

in the beginning of your relationship with jongho, you'd often have dates at the prettiest, comfiest cafes in town

you'd both order your usual drink of choice, and whenever you'd get coffee, he would pay extra attention to what type of coffee is it so he can get a cup for you next time and impress you with it

not just coffee but shh this is about coffee shh

after some time, you took the relationship to the next level, moving in together;

and whenever jongho had to leave earlier than you for his schedule, the mornings would smell like the best freshly made coffee you had ever smelled

because your sweet and attentive boyfriend would try his best to copy the recipe of your favorite coffee drink

from scratch as well

grinding the best coffee beans he could find into grounds

using water heated between 195°F-205°F

aiming for a total brew time between 3-5 minutes

like this is serious for him.

because he NEEDS it to be perfect and he NEEDS to cutely brag about it and he NEEDS to make you feel very pleased!

"hey, y/n, would you like some coffee?"

"no, thank youuu, my boyfriend made me the best cup of coffee this morning !!"

he would also leave a lovely note next to the mug :(

what more could you ask for. seriously.

you're gonna have some people become jealous but hey! choi jongho THE choi jongho chose you <3 and you will always be the only one he would make coffee for, from scratch, at the first glow of the sunrise

you are the apple of his eye

the only apple he would never break in half

see what i did there :D

𓏲 ࣪₊♡ taglist: @yuyusuyu

{💌ྀི} masterlist.

#ria.snhw #ria!drabble ateez #ateez imagines #ateez scenarios #ateez headcanons #ateez x gender neutral reader #ateez x you #ateez x reader #ateez fluff #hongjoong x reader #seonghwa x reader #yunho x reader #yeosang x reader #san x reader #mingi x reader #wooyoung x reader #jongho x reader

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levmada · 4 months

Note

PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot.

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology.

I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life.

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time.

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others.

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son.

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness.

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’.

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely.

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later.

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early.

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground.

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples.

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish.

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own.

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless.

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.)

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment.

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman.

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside).

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is.

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments—such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least.

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry.

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”.

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability.

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life.

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS

#levi aot #snk levi #levi ackerman #levi attack on titan #captain levi #captain levi ackerman #aot levi #aot levi ackerman #attack on titan levi #aot meta #levi heichou #rivaille heichou #levi rivaille #rivaille ackerman #lance corporal rivaille #levi snk #levi.thoughts #aot #attack on titan

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flowersforchoso · 6 months

Text

the proposal

cw: established relationship, fluff, soft bihan

it was just midday when you heard a knock on the door.

you ignored, hoping the lack of response would be interpreted as you not being in. however, it continued and you couldn't figure out why because you weren't expecting any visitor(s). it was still early, so it bothered you a little.

another rapping and you rose from the futon. briefly combing through your hair with slender fingers to appear presentable before walking towards the door and undoing its locks, which revealed a lin kuei ninja

"greetings" he said, bowing slightly. "i hope this meeting finds you well"

"hello" you dryly replied, subtly letting it known there was no further room for pleasantries. he seemed to get the hint, going straight to the point by clearing his throat then continued

"the grandmaster wishes to see you. do accept his request"

"oh" you blinked in puzzlement since bihan never utilized his authority this way before, sending underlings to summon your presence, so this was new to you. if he wanted to see you, he knew his way here.

"alright" you say before adding, "but i will have to change first"

"come as you are" the ninja simply said, as if sensing your worries and seeking to dispel them. "it will not be necessary, since it is urgent". now this concerned you. for what could possibly warrant such urgency?

you hesitated a bit, then complied with a step forward. closing the door behind you to follow your unusual guest

the walk was silent as he led you to your destination. your mind wandered about, thinking of what to expect since it was untypical of bihan. worry began to creep in when your thoughts took a dark detour by conjuring up negative imagery of him hurt. at best, gravely injured; at worst, a corpse. which caused you to shake your head in an attempt to eject the grim and refocus elsewhere, your gaze landing on the back of your companion.

wanting to alleviate your anxieties, you initiated small talk. trying to pry your way into getting an answer "i hope he's alright, your grandmaster"

"you will find out in due time" he mumbled, shutting down your attempts; being intentionally cryptic that provided no relief. you huffed in annoyance at the needless secrecy, trudging along the path.

you arrived at the countryside with towering trees dotting the landscape, searching for bihan in the expanse and spotting him. he was waiting under an oak tree in a dark blue hanfu, an attire befitting the leader of a deadly warrior clan and you couldn't help but wonder why he was dressed so… ceremonial, as you approached him. he dismissed his underling with a nod, to leave you both

"so what is the occasion?" you inquired taking in his appearance. he looked magnificent; all grand and imposing and handsome as ever which made you feel insignificant because you paled in comparison to him.

bihan remained silent and immobile, only staring at you. as if committing your face to memory while you let out an awkward chuckle in self-depreciation, assessing yourself "i would've dressed up nicely if i knew there was one"

but he shared none of your worries. his being of an entirely different nature resulting in an almost mechanic affectation; not knowing how to act. ransacking his mind for how to say the words and weighing the implications—whether you'd be receptive to them or not. sweat trickled down his neck and the lack of response from him was worrying to you

"is everything alright?" the drop in your expression drove him into action; actualize the purpose for which you came in a slight tremble of his fingers to carefully retrieve a ring then got on one knee

"marry me" he pleaded. looking up to you for an answer, and to your astonishment. because you hadn't expected such gesture. your eyes widened like a deer in the headlights as you gasped, processing what had occurred. and when it finally hit you, yelled:"yes! yes! i will marry you"

hearing those words expelled his fears in an exhale of relief. happiness was an understatement to how he felt having diligently planned and now reaping the fruits of his labour. he rose to his feet, sliding the sapphire ring on your finger while you squealed in excitement then embraced him, feeling light from his musky scent and expression of want to eternally make you his.

"i would've kissed you if it weren't for your mask" you dreamily sighed, savoring the moment and snuggling against him.

"when we're behind closed doors, you'd have your fill" he replied, a smile coloring his voice that made you blush before detaching to make sense of his emotions from the little you could see; meeting brown eyes and lovingly peering into them

quirking an eyebrow, you ran fingers up his broad chest in playful seduction and purred, "so…what should i expect from being married to you?"

he caught your wandering hand, halting the caresses to intertwine it with his. leaning forward to repay in equal measure, sultrily whispering, "whatever you desire"

warmth flooded your cheeks, painting crimson. the words that danced on the tip of your tongue were not foreign, one he had heard countless times but were still the most valuable, coming from you "i love you"

"i wouldn't want it any other way" he confessed, the profession of your love imprinted on his soul. briefly closed his eyes to envision new beginnings. a joyous home: basking in the glow of conjugal bliss, a newborn's laughter echoing off the walls, his family growing, training his progeny when they are of age into becoming strong warriors, like him. breaking from the reverie to shelve his thoughts—since they were going to be reality anyway—to proceed to the next event of the day

"come with me, i have prepared something to mark our engagement" he announced. hands intertwined and taking you to your next destination.

#bi han x reader #bi han x you #bi han sub zero #sub zero x you #subzero x reader #mk1 bi han #mk1 sub zero x reader #bi han mk #mortal kombat 1 #fluff

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shotmrmiller · 2 months

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First of all love love love biblically accurate Ghost, second - justice for reader. Is it possible?

I can only imagine how hard she'd be trying to do her best and improve, but trying one's best was never enough for Ghost and she's not an exception.

But what if like one time, a mission goes wrong and the reader is presumed dead since she couldn't have got out of such a dangerous situation alone and alive, right?

Yes, it's unfortunate, but not hearbreaking to Ghost. He knew she was too weak to survive from the start and he's been basically waiting until she inevitably perishes somwhere on the field. Not that he wanted it, he just expected it from the start.

But, surprise surprise, the reader turns up alive. Sure, mangled, scarred, maybe even shot, certainly not unscathed, may she be on the brink of death - but still alive.

And Ghost's brain just kind of. Malfunctions for a second, because how the fuck could that incapable little thing survive on her own without anyone behind her ass?

He certainly wouldn't start liking her, but he'd reluctantly admit - even if not out loud - that maybe she's not as useless as he initially thought.

The look in his eyes Ghost has for a split second when he sees the reader brings a small, almost insignificant feeling of satisfaction to reader, but she's not done. She's just more determined to prove him wrong about her, because if there's one thing more powerful than the need for approval, it's SPITE.

(love your work by the way, having a Simon brainrot if it wasn't obvious already lol 🩵)

so yeah, the next step from utter intolerance outside of a mission (because he definitely talks to you during them, he'd never let personal issues interfere then) would be a reluctant acceptance. not of you, but of your presence.

you haven't broken, even though you looked it as you stumbled in through the safe house they're in.

nothing from his attitude toward you will change until you stop losing in spars. They don't approach you with a killing intent, but the bad guys will.

Get better or get out.

Slowly, the fighting becomes less aggressive tossing and flinging around but more... violent. it's what it seems to you, anyway.

more tactical.

if only you'd look past your hurt feelings to realize that he's teaching you.

teaching you how he fights.

teaching you how to eventually beat him.

learn.

and no, there's no funny ass illogical me throw him over my shoulder cuz i caught him off guard. that man is 6'3-4 and no way he's anything less than 280 lbs.

I squat 175 and feel like my spines getting crushed and that's with evenly distributed weight. Simon's own arm probably feels too heavy. + there's no off guard with a man who lives on his toes and sleeps with one eye open even at base.

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mixiury · 8 months

Text

Unspoken words — Wanderer x GN! Reader

Summary: Trying to finish your commission as fast as possible you get sick, walking to the place of the closest person you know.

A/N: Forever thankful with my friend who offered to proofread this for me <3. This was in my drafts since a long time ago and I decided to post it after getting Kabukimono cat plushie. Please enjoy!! ^^

Wanderer takes the wet towel from your forehead with his hands, submerging it into the basin of cold water next to his bed to then wring the excess water and placing it back in its original place.

He has been doing the same thing over and over for the last few hours, or maybe days? Your mind is too clouded by the fever to know how long you have been in this miserable situation, envying the people you hear through the window walking on the streets of Sumeru and going on with their day by day, ignorant of the suffering you are enduring.

His movements are monotonous but precise, almost delicate. It is as if he had done this multiple times in the past, something you wouldn't expect from someone like him. And maybe it's that silence and acceptance on his part that brings so much uneasiness to your thoughts, slowly consuming you until they simply become impossible to ignore.

"Come on, you can say it." The words fall weakly from your mouth, worsening the burning pain in your hoarse throat that feels like your vocal cords are being torn apart one by one. Still, you try your best to hide it from him, failing miserably. It would be almost impossible not to notice it when the simple act of breathing hurts so much, responding you instantly.

"Stop talking. You will make it worse." You don't know if it's because you've been too focused on your own misery to pay him any attention during all your stance, yet this is the first time you've heard him speak since you got sick, the words barely making sense in the moment that reach your ears. Yet, although for any other person in your situation the pain would be enough to listen to his words, his response does not completely satisfy you, ignoring them just as he was expecting.

"I know what you are thinking. Just say it." He sighs, already knowing where this conversation is going. "What would the point of scolding you now?" "I don't know, you are an expert on it."

Wanderer finally stops his movements and looks back to you. It's something so insignificant and small but it's enough to let you know that he is at least listening to you. However, the silence between you two after it is so loud, spreading throughout the room as you two stare at each other. You've seen that look in his eyes before, like he's analyzing every little aspect and movement of you. From your shallow breaths to the way your body keeps sending shivers from the ferver.

"It was your choice to stay late on the rain to finish your commission, not mine. I'm not responsable for your own well being."

"Then why are you taking care of me?"

"Nahida would have scolded me if I had just left you outside in the rain, but now I'm starting to wonder if letting you be on your own was the best choice."

Despite the pain, you can't contain the laughter that forms in the back of your throat, which quickly turns into a dry cough in response to your lungs desperately seeking oxygen to keep themselves functioning. This seems to bother him even more, averting his gaze again and pouring water into a glass cup. It's hard to know exactly what's going on in the deepness of his mind, this whole situation bringing up memories from the past that he had buried long ago.

"Drink this." He hands you the glass of water, helping you lean on the bed so you don't end up choking on it. It's rare to see Wanderer worried about anyone, much less caring about them. It feels wrong to depend on him this much, but you still can't help but feel the warmth of the moment spreading through your chest, selfishly basking in the attention he gives you.

While you drink the water, your eyes follow his gaze, observing the last rays of sun softly entering through the window and the wind running through the curtains. Despite everything, the world continue without waiting for anyone, everyone walking to their houses to finally end the day. All pain is temporary and it is possible that in a few weeks you will end up forgetting about this moment, so you try to get the best out of it, enjoying Wanderer's company in silence.

And when you were finally going to lie down in bed again and try to sleep your pain away, he whispers something one last time. "Just rest. You'll be fine."

It feels like the words are more for himself than for you. You still can't tell what is going through his thoughts, but you know that even if you ask him he will probably brush it off. So instead, you take a different approach to the issue, reaching his hands and holding them with your own. Your hands are still shaky and sweaty from the ferver, but when you talk the words come out strangely soft, trying to reassure him in some way.

"I will."

#genshin impact x reader #genshin x reader #wanderer x reader #scaramouche x reader #genshin fluff #wanderer fluff #comfort

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spectersgirl · 5 months

Note

So I don't know if something like this has been done before and I've read it and forgot or if I'm just making it up in my head because I'm obsessed with this man. Harvey x reader, she has a secret admirer who keeps leaving her flowers/notes/coffee in the mornings. she's completely oblivious to the fact that it's Harvey and keeps talking to Mike about it because he's her bestie.

I, too, am obsessed with this man and this is so cute!!

This is set before Harvey was a name partner, so the reader and Harvey are both senior partners!

Secret Admirer

Harvey Specter x Reader

------

For the last week, you stepped into Pearson Hardman's bustling offices each morning, greeted by a newfound routine, a little surprise waiting at your desk. Orchids, sunflowers, perfectly crafted notes, cups of coffee just how you like them, it left you absolutely puzzled.

Your best friend and office ally, Mike Ross, became your confidant in this little mystery. Oblivious to the sender's identity, you shared each new surprise with him, both confused and flattered by the persistence.

"Another note and flowers?" you exclaimed, waving the latest gift in Mike's face in disbelief. "Who could be doing this, Mike?"

A knowing smile played on Mike's lips as he leaned back. "Sounds like someone has a crush on you"

You chuckled, shaking your head. "I highly doubt that. It's probably just a kind gesture."

Unbeknownst to you, Mike held a secret of his own, a suspicion about the sender, and he was almost certain he was correct.

Meanwhile, in his corner office, Harvey watched you with a keen eye, a quiet amusement lighting up his features. At first, he only meant to send over one bouquet in secret and confess his feelings to you, but when he watched you look around for clues to solve the mystery, he found entertainment in this little game of secrecy.

Days turned into weeks, and the morning surprise of notes and gifts continued, while Mike quietly observed your obliviousness and Harvey's amused satisfaction.

One morning, Mike couldn't contain his amusement any longer. "I have a theory about your secret admirer," he teased, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

"Oh, really? Do share," you replied, intrigued by his playful tone.

"I think it might be someone closer than you think," he hinted, gesturing not-so-discreetly toward Harvey's office.

Your initial disbelief gave way to an excitement you were able to mostly hide. "Harvey? That's...unexpected." A grin played on your lips at the prospect of the handsome man down the hall having feelings for you.

You never would've guessed Harvey as the romantic type based on his hard exterior. The idea of this put warmth in your chest.

Throughout the day, your eyes occasionally drifted to Harvey's office door, finding your mind wandering to all the possibilities of him and you, and wondered if you should tell him you knew or see how long this would go on, ultimately deciding you couldn't wait.

As the day wound down and most of the staff trickled out, you found yourself lingering near Harvey's office. The air crackled with a newfound tension.

Harvey stood from his chair and walked to you, leaning against the doorframe. A small smirk played on his lips as he observed you. "Finally figured it out, didn't you?"

You chuckled softly, feeling a rush of nerves swirling in your stomach. "Yeah, you caught me off guard, I have to admit I didn't expect Harvey Specter to be so romantic."

Harvey chuckled, quickly pondering his next move.

Without a word, Harvey closed the distance between you, his gaze intense yet tender. His hand cupped your cheek, his touch sending a jolt through your body. Leaning in, he pressed his lips against yours in a soft, lingering kiss.

Time seemed to stand still as the world around you faded into insignificance. It was a gentle exchange, filled with unspoken promises and a hint of something deeper, a connection that had been silently brewing.

When you finally pulled apart, the air between you was charged with a newfound intimacy. Harvey's gaze held a warmth that hadn't been there before.

"How's that for romantic?" he whispered, and it sent a shiver through you.

"You're dangerous, Harvey." you warned.

"There's more where that came from," he murmured, his voice low and husky.

A shy smile tugged at your lips as you met his gaze, feeling a rush of emotions within you. "I look forward to it."

The unspoken understanding lingered, and as you parted ways for the evening, there was a new energy in the air—an anticipation of something more, something that had been quietly building beneath the surface.

As you made your way home, the memory of that tender, unexpected kiss played in your mind, leaving you both exhilarated and curious about what the future might hold between you and Harvey Specter.

#harvey specter x reader #harvey specter suits #suits fics #harvey specter #request #requests open #harveyspecter

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mymainwastoocluttered · 9 months

Text

Birthday Cake (Ortho Shroud)

There's actually a tradition about birthday cakes back where the Prefect comes from.

Original idea by @strawberry-pie-thoughts

NOTE: I only write for female reader but everyone is welcome to read it!

Ortho knows all of his brother’s fidgets. And the one Idia is doing right now is the one that means “I’m trying to hide something but I’m too emotional over it to hide properly”, which makes the younger Shroud’s curiosity flare each passing second.

“Brother, what’s the matter?”

“Nuthin’.”

Yet that’s the answer he gets every time. That and a nervous shrug that means “please don’t pressure me into telling you because I will and then I’ll feel bad about it.” At least, Ortho consoles himself, that means whatever his brother is hiding isn’t anything bad or dangerous, just possibly mildly inconvenient. Ortho can deal with “mildly inconvenient”, specially for the sake of his introverted brother who agreed on throwing a party tomorrow at Ignihyde for Ortho’s birthday despite dreading any sort of social event.

Ortho hasn’t had his emotional capacity for very long, but considering what his friends and the internet said, Idia’s efforts are the greatest show of love—not that Ortho ever doubted his brother’s love for him, but it feels good to be reminded. Plus, and this is something he’ll guard in his heart for himself, it feels like Idia is actually seeing him and not him. He truly sees Ortho for who he is, and loves him for him.

“Ortho, it’s past midnight,” Idia’s voice gets Ortho out of his thoughts—getting lost inside his own thoughts, quite the novelty—, prompting the boy to look at the time.

“It is! That means I’m not one year older!”

“Yep, you’re now officially seventeen. Happy birthday, Ortho.”

He can’t help but hug his brother tightly, too happy for words—and too overwhelmed by emotions to even try, even though he has up to 20 languages fully saved in his database. Words also can’t describe the feeling he gets when his brother hugs him back, whispering well wishes under his breath—too shy to say them out loud but too loving to not say them at all.

“We know you’ll have a party later, but we wanted to do something special first…”

“We?”

Just as Idia lets go of him, the door of Idia’s room open to show his girlfriend—and Ortho’s hopefully soon to be sister-in-law—, Prefect (Y/N) (L/N), holding what seems to be… a cake? It’s difficult to tell, because the decorations on it—stars and trees and three figures that look suspiciously like Ortho, Idia and (Y/N) sitting around a bonfire—are moving and if he concentrates, he can hear a soft whirring sound from it.

“Happy Birthday, Ortho!” the girl squeals, handing the cake(?) to Idia so she can squeeze the younger boy into a hug and place very enthusiastic kisses all over his face. “You’re growing up so fast!”

“Technically, I’m still the same size-”

“Mentally and emotionally, dear.”

“Oh. Thank you!”

Though he will admit to already drawing up some designs for future bodies. He can’t look like a child forever, now can he?

“We know you can’t actually eat—yet, anyways. Who knows what will happen in the world of tech?” she winks at his brother, who tries to hide his blushing face behind the cake(?), forgetting that his hair gives his emotions away. “But I remember you really liked the first slice tradition from my country when I told you about it, so we made that sculpture. There’s a part that’s removable, so you can give it to whoever you want~”

Human memory is way more fickle than an android’s, and yet these two did their best to remember something so small and seemingly insignificant. Just to make Ortho happy.

“... I may not have tears, but I feel like I’m crying…”

The couple is quick to hug him, and Ortho has never been happier to be able to feel.

“... can the first slice go to two people?”

“I told you we should separate it in two, tech genius.”

“But then it wouldn’t be the first slice, but the first and second.”

“It’s fine, I can just laser it in half!”

“Ortho, no!”

#twisted wonderland #twisted wonderland x reader #twst x reader #twst imagines #x fem reader #ortho shroud & reader #ortho shroud #idia shroud x reader #a series of birthday cakes

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little-miss-dilf-lover · 7 months

Note

hi omg I JUST noticed your reqs were open ehehehe would you possibly do steven grant comforting soccer goalie!reader after a particularly rough practice?? reader comes home all fuming and upset and bandaged up, vents to steven angrily (lashing out I guess?) and just breaks down sobbing and steven comforts them?? and can you put in like a tiny little giving reader a bath thing and helping them sleep? thank you <33 (can you tell practice was ROUGH this time around LMAOAOAO) THANK YOU SM MWAH <3

hiii!! ugh love it:( hope this can be of some comfort. thank you for requesting, hope you like it💌

—

AFTER PRACTICE

steven grant x female reader

word count: 589

warnings: none just fluff

✧.┊ MASTERLIST

You had just finished up on training- battered, bruised and dirty. You were seething and in desperate need of some comfort, so you made your back home, hoping for exactly that from your boyfriend.

"Hi, love. How was football?" your sweet Steven asked, noticing the way you were angrily muttering to yourself. "Love?" he repeats, watching you kick off your shoes and throw your keys in the bowl.

"Yeah, what?" you snark back, your features stiff and displeased.

"Are you okay? Did something happen?" Steven questions, trying to ignore your heated gaze.

"Yes, I'm fine," you huff in response, slumping into the sofa beside him.

"You don't—" he hesitates and sighs, slowly extending a hand towards your knee, trying his best to navigate your feelings. "You don't seem fine. Would you like to talk about it?"

"No,"

"Love, I really think it—"

You interrupt him and begin to rant about your practice to Steven's lending ear, venting your frustrations through gritted teeth and emphasised hands.

"It's like they forgot I was even there— they never listen, and every time I—" you cut yourself off, shaking your head. "I'm just sick of it." You mumble, now speaking softer, your words full of hurt. "I hate it."

Your voice breaks, and you drop your head into your palms, immediately sobbing, almost gutturly- crying as though it has been bottled up for a long time.

"Love..." Steven coos, his hand running soothing circles on your back. "Honey, I— come here."

You twist around to face him, burying yourself in his open arms, wrapping your own around him tightly.

He holds you like that for a while, allowing you to sob into the crook of his neck while he tries his best to comfort you- stroking the back of your head and whispering reassurances.

He didn't rush you. He gave you time to calm down, never once dismissing your feelings or emotions. Never once making you feel small or insignificant. He just wanted you to feel better because how you were now was tearing him up.

Your breathing eventually evens out, and you pull away from his embrace, sadly smiling as you notice his concerned and knitted brows.

"How about a bath?" he offers, thumbing over your cheeks, gently wiping under your eye. "Eh? Will help with the aches and pains, too."

You accept with a small nod, rubbing away the residual tears on the back of your hand.

"Okay, love," he smiles, kissing your forehead as he stands. "I'll come get you in a minute."

"Can I come now?"

"Of course," he nods, slipping his hand into yours to guide you down the hall.

He leads you into the bathroom, closing the toilet lid and nodding for you to sit. You do as asked and watch him as he begins to run the water, filling it with your favourite bubble bath before fetching you a towel.

On any other occasion, he would've left you be, but because of your fragile state, he decided now was not the time- he wanted to stay and comfort you, wash and bathe you. So he did exactly that, softly washing over your tired state and pouring water with a plastic cup to clear the suds.

He patted you dry afterwards, delicately dabbing the fabric over your skin before helping you dress, putting you in his comfy clothes and guiding you to bed.

He wouldn't leave you- instead, he'd snuggle himself behind you under the covers, holding you close until you got the much-needed sleep you deserved.

— — — — — — — — — — ☆ — — — — — — — — — —

steven taglist: @thewinterv @bubblezuku @idontknowwhattohaveasmyuser @queerponcho @selfryed

#request #steven grant #steven grant imagine #steven grant drabble #steven grant fluff #steven grant x reader #steven grant x fem!reader #steven grant x you #moon knight #moon boys

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colgatebluemintygel · 2 months

Note

Pls tell me about oao for the wip ask game

HELLOOO EL my beloved mutual ... oao well.. it's just this silly little thing that i've been working for er ... nearly 2 years 😇 hehe allow me to share some lil deleted snippets with you <3333

from: tuscany part one

Sirius suddenly feels sad and furious all at once. He’s sad that this is a side of Regulus that he’s not allowed to see anymore. He’s furious at Regulus for maintaining this inexplicable distance that seems to have developed between them. Where had everything gone so wrong? Sirius doesn’t even want to answer that question. Where hadn’t it? At some point, they’d stopped talking to each other; Sirius self-destructed and tore through that house like a comet. Regulus retreated so far into himself that Sirius is certain that he left a part of himself behind in that house. Sirius doesn’t blame him. Sometimes he feels the same; that he’s permanently lost a vital part of himself. Perhaps that’s why Sirius is so desperate for love; to feel loved. To feel wanted. To fill the void he feels inside himself. To fill the gaping wound inside himself. And, if Sirius is honest with himself, he’s jealous. He’s horribly, dangerously jealous: he’s jealous that Regulus, who grew up in the same loveless environment as him, has found not just one but two people to spend his life with. Sirius couldn’t even hold down one. And if he’s honest with himself, what Alphard had said the day before had been completely right: the love had long worn off between him and Emmeline. He’d clung to her like a raft. The fear of being alone was worse than whatever hadn’t been working between them.

from: tuscany part two

Sirius remembers the way that Walburga’s face would ripple and contort, her mouth a tight, white line as she’d say, ‘Regulus is a good child, quiet. Not like you were.’ Her comments always perplexed Sirius. he doesn’t remember himself ever making much noise at all. In fact, most of Sirius’s childhood memories involve him trying to take up as little space as possible. He remembers the time that they passed Hamleys and he got a bit teary-eyed because Walburga always refused to let him go inside. He remembers her eyes flaring like quicksilver and the tight grasp of her hand around his wrist as she led him to a nearby restaurant bathroom. He remembers how the lemongrass soap had burned on his tongue for hours afterwards. He’s never liked lemon, since. He has plenty of other memories just like it, accompanied by all the others that he tries his best to forget. Even now, Regulus will make the odd comment about how Sirius rebelled, in ways both small and large, quiet and loud. Sirius doesn’t remember those moments. What he does remember is trying to make himself so small, so quiet and insignificant, that he constantly felt like he was bursting at the seams. Sirius remembers trying so hard, all the time. Regulus remembers Sirius not trying at all. He’s always found it strange how people remember the same events. He wonders how it felt when he was even younger and didn’t know any better than to throw himself down on the ground and scream. Sirius wonders if he’s ever really, truly screamed. He feels like he’s stuck there, sometimes. Stuck in that limbo, that precipice, between a child who screams because they don’t know better, and a child who no longer needs to scream because they’ve learnt how to process their emotions in other ways. Yet, Sirius doesn’t scream, and he doesn’t throw a tantrum. Instead, he slouches back in his seat and stares out the window.

from: berlin??? i think..

The pieces start to slot into place. He remembers their uni years, and how Remus would disappear every night for a few hours, always to reappear looking pink cheeked and messy haired. Even when their lives started to become more separate, their flats scattered across different London boroughs, Remus would always find his way back to Sirius’s flat at the end of the night. He remembers Emmeline the first few times it happened, face drawn and tired, answering the door at 4 am. “It’s Remus,” she’d say, tired and annoyed. “Isn’t there somewhere else he can stay? He has his own flat—“ Then, after the twentieth, fiftieth time, nothing. Remus would always be gone in the morning. They never talked about it. It never struck Sirius as odd until now.

#oao #el tag

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hueningsloverr · 2 months

Text

౨ৎ persephone !

pairing: soobin x fem!reader summary: pomegranates and persephone. that's what soobin had come to learn. word count: 0.5k

most of your past lovers chose to call you tasteful names, crude insults surrounding the general theme of you being a monster. but you were no monster. you were just a woman.

in a way you were like a pomegranate- it was obvious when someone didn’t love you properly. all your past lovers left with red stained hands and disappointment etched across their face.

that’s why soobin was so special - he was able to get you to open up without forcing you so aggressively that you snapped. he didn't force you to suddenly bare yourself to him, he was slow, moving at your pace instead of his.

soobin was nothing like your past lovers. he was the exact opposite. he took the time to memorise you; to him nothing was 'too insignificant'. he remembered your favourite artists, colours, songs, and even time of day. everything mattered to him. and that is what made him matter so much to you. he knew of your affinity for greek mythology, and though most found it unsettling, he found it intruging.

'persephone and hades?' he queried, his head cocked to the side as his eyebrows furrowed. where had he heard those names before? he tried his best to pay attention in classes.

'they were believed by the greeks to be the king and queen of the underworld! there's a lot of retellings of their story, but in most of them...'

he watched in awe as you rambled on and on, eyes filled with nothing more than adoration. so what if you were a geek? a nerd? you were cute.

'but a common theme is that persephone ate the seeds of a pomegranate, meaning she was forced to stay in the underworld forever. but hades worked a deal out with her mom, demeter. that's why we have seasons!' you grinned like a small child showing a finger-painting to their parent. and soobin felt a sense of pride grow within him.

'we have seasons because... hades and persephone are in love?' he laughed slightly, his head not fully wrapped around the idea.

'we have seasons because both hades and demeter wished to be by persephones side, but neither could leave their realm. so...'

he felt bad for constantly finding himself in a daze, but there was such an intoxicating way in which you spoke about mythology that made him feel like a teenage boy again.

it was that very same day soobin realised for himself how similar to a pomegranate you were. he thought it was silly, comparing his girlfriend to a fruit, but in his head it made sense.

you symbolised life to him, you were like regeneration - allowing him to become a new version of himself he was not even aware was possible. all the symbols of a pomegranate could be applied to you - the myths and the stories revolving around the reddish fruit. it was odd, yet also endearing.

hades and persephone - a story of love that probably never should have been, a story of love that seemed impossible.

to soobin, the rulers of the underworld were not so different from the two of you.

except, whilst he was just hades, you were both persephone and the pomegranate. and instead of persephone being stuck with hades, it was soobin who found himself stuck to you. all because of how desirable you were.

a/n: i know! i know! usually i don't really include specific genders in my writings... but i love pomegranates and what they stand for as a literary device and i wrote this while on vacation as i watched my dad tear into a pomegranate whilst my mom looked like she was holding a small child

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a-cupof-jo · 10 months

Text

Play Action - Teaser

Football Player!Jung Jaehyun x Sports Analyst!Fem!Reader

Genre: grump x sunshine, falls easily x doesn’t know what love is

Warning(s): none

Teaser WC: 1.5k

Projected WC: 15k

Play Action Playlist

Part of the Picture Perfect Image Universe

Summary:

Jung Jaehyun wouldn’t know hard work if it slapped him in the face. He has an unnatural talent as a Tight End- I should know- but he has gotten off easy. So when a drunken night leaves his image in a lest-than-stelar light, who better to fix it than the Angel’s exclusive date-for-hire. I would not let myself be pulled into a football players life again, but Jaehyun makes it hard to stay away.

A/n: rough edit sorry :/

I have loved Jeno Lee for 93 days.

I love the way he makes me laugh and how he is always attentive to me. He never makes me feel bad when I don't want to go out or if I am feeling so overwhelmed with work that I can't make myself function properly. We weren't best friends, it was something different between us.

Mutual respect and appreciation drove our relationship. I could not put my heart in more capable hands. They were more competent at steering that bus than any other emotion I know.

We were steady and knew exactly what was expected of each other. With him, I feel happy and in control of my life, of the future and what it holds.

There weren't many times Jeno wasn't smiling, but I liked to think that I only added more joy and happiness to his life. I celebrate his victories and let him lay his worries on me.

Celebrating is what we were doing tonight. No matter how much I tended to avoid crowds and large gatherings, I would put on my brave face. This was important to him, and me, to us. Months had been put into this to make it possible.

He wouldn't judge me for my tardiness- much. No one likes to admit their faults, but luckily when they are on display, you don't have to. Which is why I'm sure he already assumed that I was going to be late, but the street vendor had been busy and I couldn't resist the roasted pecans.

Adrian Young Memorial Stadium was magnificent. Tall pillars and exterior walls built of locally sourced quartz and the limestone exuded the quiet strength that came from the neighboring mountains. It held a long tradition of hosting some of the most spectacular moments of football history, a tradition that the Angel’s intended to keep.

A long quiet hall greeted me as I pushed through the authorized personnel only hallway. It wasn't unfamiliar, but as I took in the boards boasting years of excellence and the man that made this team great it was hard to not feel small, insignificant.

Glancing at my watch, my groan echoed around me.

It was official- I was the worst girlfriend ever. If I ever had any doubt before, it was now gone. 20 minutes late and showing up nearly empty handed to the biggest celebration of the last 20 seasons.

Maybe nobody would notice the slightly disheveled woman racing down the hall. It’s not like I was an important figure that would be missed, not in a room full of professional athletes. Stopping where laughter and cheers spilled from the doors, I counted back from 10, pulling lightly at my shirt to straighten it. Calm, cool, composed, that was me. I was a woman that exuded confidence. They would not see me faulted. Which is why I decided that 5 more minutes without showing my face would be better than arriving looking like I had just been caught in a wind tunnel.

I wish I was one of those women who always had it together. They could run 5K and jump into a board meeting right after. These were the women that ran the world, and made sure everyone around them knew it.

The cool sink water trickled down my scalp as I worked to slick down the curls that had broken free of the updo I had twisted my hair into. Bathroom mirrors had a good way of letting me know that I looked worse than I felt. Splotchy red cheeks and a slight runny nose no amount of paper towels shoved up my nose would solve was really the look I was going for tonight. Thank you, January.

Reapplying the light layering of makeup I had slapped on this morning didn't take long, but I couldn't convince myself to pull away from the vanity. My lipstick was perfect and not an eyelash was out of place, yet I couldn’t push away the gnawing that I would never hold up in the eyes of those in Jeno’s circle, in Jeno’s eyes.

“Come on, Y/n,” there was nothing to be worried about. Jeno would be patiently waiting, not worrying in the slightest that it would look weird that his date was missing. His teammates would be too focused on getting as much alcohol in their system in as little amount of time as possible. I would not be participating in that endeavor. Getting plastered in public is asking for something to go wrong. I did not need my image having “party animal” attached to it.

“Who does he think he is demanding that I quit my job? That bag of shriveled up- oh,” wide eyes blinked at me as the door to the bathroom slammed open. The badge that hung from her hip confirmed that she was a member of the Angel’s team. If I remembered correctly, Marketing and PR, under that brick Vanessa. “Sorry, I didn’t realize anyone was in here. I find that venting is best performed in front of an audience and I thought that it was just going to be my reflection tonight But now you’re here. Do you mind? It’s just-there is this man that I was trying to help- if he would just let me, but apparently all my ideas are stupid and not worthy of a mighty Angel. See if I try to help him again. I mean what kind of person says that ”

“You’re fine,” the timid smile I tried to give looked more like a grimace as I glanced one more time in the mirror. She had steamrolled me and there was not an inkling idea how I was supposed to respond to that. Rushing to the door I considered thanking her for finally kicking my feet into gear. Even if it was by the desire to get away from the word vomit she had thrown at a virtual stranger. “I am just going to leave.”

She cringed at me as if realizing her faux pas, “Have a good night.”

I had to get out of there.

Now I was definitely not running down the hall, but I could have broken the record for fastest speed walk I’m sure. So much for freshening up. It wouldn’t matter, most of the people I was going to be interacting with would not remember this night anyway.

Pausing in front of the door, I tried to fix my face to exude happiness and openness. I was inviting. I was there to celebrate and have a good time. I would not make people think I was trying to escape the entire night.

“No,” the woman’s voice barely rose above the music blasting through the music. My stomach dropped at the panic lacing that word. “You need to stop. Don’t say it.” The cracked closet door in the hall pushed just farther open. If something happened to her then-

“What? You don’t want me to tell you I love you? I have been in love since before I had a name for the feeling I get in my chest when you are around. There has not been a time that I have not loved you. You must see that.”

Blood rushed to my ears as I approached the door. Fear poked the back of my skull and my throat went dry.

“Jeno,” my heart sank as her voice cracked. “I can’t”

“Why?” There it went. My heart shattered on the floor, stomped on by a man who loved someone else.

“There are so many reasons! Your job and reputation, mine, the fact that you have a girlfriend!”

"She's not you!" Heat raced up my chest and ignited in my face. My chest heaved as I pulled in a wet breath. I watched, aching, as he leaned forward, cupping her cheeks, “She’s a fake girlfriend. You know that Y/n is a fake girlfriend. She is a friend. All I see is you.”

Right.

Fake.

As I wipe at the tears that have pressed at the corners of my eyes, I spin away from the door and scowl as I come face to face with Jaehyun, the Angel’s laid back Tight End and one of Jeno’s closest friends.

I would not look foolish in front of him, getting teary-eyed at the knowledge that my fake boyfriend loved his social media manager. Look him in the eye, raise your chin, don’t let it wobble, keep your feet straight and limbs loose. I knew about this, Jeno has not taken me off guard. I would convince myself of this and Jaehyun would be none the wiser.

“Excuse me,” voice clipped, I pushed past the man that towered over common-folk. “I have a party to be attending.”

Finally pushing through the doors a grin presses at my teeth and I mentally correct my mantra for the night, reset my racing thoughts and remember that I am there for one reason.

I have faked being in love with Jeno Lee for 93 days and everyone was going to believe it.

#jaehyun x reader #jaehyun fic #jaehyun fluff #jaehyun angst #jung jaehyun #nct 127 fluff #nct 127 fic #nct u fic

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thefaefiction · 1 year

Text

Skin. [Andy Biersack x Reader] [BVB]

PAIRING: Andy Biersack x Reader GENRE: Angst + fluff, comfort WARNINGS: Self harm references and themes SUMMARY: Andy comforts you after a depressive episode in which you relapse on self harm. Somehow, you're able to confide in him when things get bad.

A/N: this is super self indulgent, but i recognize that this isn't something i alone struggle with. i hope some others are able to find comfort in this piece as i did.

The good thing about Andy is that he doesn't try to tell me what I've heard already. He recognizes that telling me to stop wont work, and so he puts his efforts towards minimizing the harmful outcomes of my actions the best that he can.

And so, as the blood drips down my arms the way the tears roll down my cheeks, I silently scold myself and focus on Andy's hands. They work around my arm nimbly, wrapping it up in bandages and fastening it tightly to prevent it from slipping. My arm flinches at the final tug, stinging from the impact of the cloth to my cuts.

"Thank you," I whisper. I'm afraid if I speak any louder I'll burst into tears again.

"Of course," He speaks lowly, smiling at me. "Let's try to get some rest, yeah?"

I nod and stand up, following him into my bedroom. The room is lit dimly by a nightlight in the corner near my dresser, rain taps on the glass window above my bed and is softened by the wrestling of my duvet as we slip under the blankets. Sometimes I struggle to feel at home in this room, and yet Andy beside me makes me feel like I've reached heaven after longing for years in hell.

I lay on my side, one arm under his back and the other draped over his stomach. My head sits on his chest, listening to his heartbeat while his hand rubs my back. In the dark I can make out some of his tattoos on his free arm, tracing them lightly while I breath in his scent and let single, small, tears absorb into his black shirt.

I jump as a crash of thunder booms outside. Instantly Andy stiffens, and then takes a deep sigh when he realizes it's only mother nature. For someone who is dating a metal singer, I sure jump at the most insignificant of sounds. Sometimes I marvel in it, though, and I admire the beauty of being able to share such a quiet and intimate moment with someone who is often loud and active.

"Do you want to talk about it at all?" Andy says softly, caution in his voice. He never wants to overstep a line.

"Sometimes things just get too much," I say shakily. "It feels like the world is conspiring against me in every way possible."

I feel him nod. "I promise you that I'll be here to help ward off those things," He pauses. "Just know that when things start getting to this level I'm here for you." His hand runs up and down my spine, softly caressing my skin.

"Thank you," I whisper. "You mean a lot to me Andy."

He bends his head down and places his lips to my head. "You mean the world to me, Y/n." He kisses my hair, tightening his grip on me. "The sun, moon, and all of the stars."

"E.e Cummings," I comment on the quote.

He laughs, my head bouncing with his chest. "Get some sleep,"

I smile, holding Andy tightly. Right now, the events of an hour ago seem to be insignificant. It is a memory that I'll deal with later, and because the past cannot be changed I will chose to live in the present -- here -- next to the man I love and trust the most.

#🍇 -- thefaefiction!#andy biersack #andy biersack x reader #black veil brides #black veil brides x reader #x reader #andy black #andy black x reader #sh comfort

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caxde · 1 year

Text

heartsease | 𝐞𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐞 𝐦𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

summary you’re new to Hawkins and you’ve been having a rough time, you find a friendship and feeling blooming between you and your dealer eddie. (4.7k)

warnings fem!reader, fluff, hurt/comfort + angst (kind of a lot sorry), mutual pining, yearning etc, slowburn strangers to friends to potential lovers, idiots in love!!!, negative thoughts/use of weed&alcohol tw!, english is not my first language so I apologise if there’s some mistakes, not proof read! possible pt2 coming!

It was a distraction.

Truth be told, you confuse it all, all the time.

Days bleed into each other, and you can’t really recall when something did or did not happen.

But it usually started in the same way.

You’d wake up, and as soon as your eyes opened, you were stuck in a loop. You’d squeeze your eyes, and scratch them, begging for sleep to leave them, your face puffy on the mirror reflection, sun hitting your face since your blinds were still broken. You’d play with the end of the shirt you had felt asleep the night before while you’d walk to the bathroom, still half asleep, daze evident on the way your body stumbles in every step you take.

You always try to clean after yourself the best you could, but the thing is, you always seem to miss the same spot near the couch, or beside the table.

Might be for the constant reminders of how it all used to be, and how they all seemed to come back on the front of your mind in the early hours of your day, freezing you on the spot as it all replayed. Over and over again in your head.

Music or the T.V could be playing in the background but it didn’t really matter, you’d remain there, standing up looking into nothing, with everything on your head. Killing time with anything, reading or scribbling down on your journal, going out for a walk or most recently, laying on the floor until sundown. Sure, you’d go to work every time they’d call you, every time they needed you to cover somebodies’ else's shift, or they were short staffed, you made a living, not a comfortable one, but a reasonable one.

Usually, when nightfall came, you’d stumble out of your apartment, always stopping for a second to let your body rest against the door, taking a deep breath before stepping away, down the stairs. You always had to catch your breath when you saw how the sky looked as the sun went down, orange and pink tones invading it all, making you feel small and insignificant in comparison.

You walk. Aimesley at first, not really paying attention to where you were going first, and embarrassed when you’d realise that once again you were down the same road, close to his house. The first few times you ended up there it had been awkward, a bit of small talk and that would be it, you’d go back to your couch as soon as you could, but lately, he had grown fond of you, he’d let you stay as long as you’d like. So it came as no surprise that he was already waiting for you, a smile on his face as he heard your steps up to his door, recognising the way you knock. Two taps followed by the sound of your nails playing with the door rhythmically, waiting for him to open the door.

His smile always seemed to illuminate the room he was in, and it did as soon as he opened the door, his head tilting ever so slightly down to look at you, lips curved upwards as he saw you, looking up at him, your eyes turning from numbness to something he can’t quiet identify, as you purse your lips together.

“Can I come in?” You ask, your voice soft and low.

“Was already waiting for you.” He teases as he steps away from the door, gesturing you to come in.

You look down as you cross the door, heading straight for the familiar couch. Looking around as you hear Eddie’s steps following you close.

“How’d you know I’d come?” Your voice comes out smaller than you intended it to.

“It's Wednesday, and I haven’t seen you since Sunday, I dunno, lucky guess.” He stumbles through his words, not in a shy manner, Eddie was never shy with you.

“Mmmh.” You let out as your eyes follow him to the couch, sitting down, leaving you plenty of space wherever you choose.

You circle the little coffee table, choosing the little loveseat across him, your legs kicking up, resting them both up high, crossed, so they don’t touch the floor.

“So, the usual?” He asks, with the same charming smile he always uses when you are around.

“Yeah.” You let out, you hadn’t realized how tired you were until you were sitting down again, looking at him, lost in his presence.

He stands up, walking down the little hallway to his room, the mystery that you have never seen, though everytime he opens the door, a strong smell comes out, like incense, maybe sandalwood, you’re not sure. You like looking at Eddie. Maybe it’s just the fact that you miss having company, that staying isolated for so long is messing with your head, and coming here makes you remember that there are still good people you can be with, or maybe it’s the fact that Eddie is good-looking. Maybe it's the way his curls bounce every time he takes a step, how his shirt russells against his belt, how he always emerges back from the room, with a half smile and shaking the bag where he keeps it, proud of himself.

“There you go.” He says, as he hands it out to you, fingers relaxed, the bag filled with your escape ticket. You pressed your lips, as anxious as you were the first day, but this time it became a upside-down smile, he seemed pleased to see you smile finally.

“Thanks Eddie.” You mutter, as you reach for it, gracing his skin for a second too long, warm and soft to the touch. You place it on the inside of your jacket fastly, as you take out the exact quantity you knew he was going to ask.

“Thank you” He said as he grabbed the bills away from you, putting them away in his back pocket. As he starts to turn around so he can find his spot on the couch, he speaks again, avoiding eye contact as he does, darting around the room. “Y’know, you can smoke it here.”

“I usually go down to the lake.”

“Wayne’s not around, so the smell won’t bother him.” He tries to negotiate with you, that stupid grin that he had on his face made you nod, as you shrug your shoulders.

“Okay.”

You can tell how pleased he is with himself as he bites his lower lip with excitement. You shake your head in an attempt to hide a coy smile that your lips now had. Emptying your pockets, leaving everything you needed neatly on your thighs. Even if you don’t realise it, Eddie stares at every movement you do meticulously, memorizing how your fingers rotate the grinder not with pressure but with softness, everything about you seemed to be soft, how you placed the compressed weed into it, measuring how much you wanted, how your teeth bitted your lower lip as you concentrated. He started to roll his own too, the room still quiet, only hearing the movements that you made. Some paper rustling as you dumped the mixture of weed and tobacco on it, with a rolled up filter, you started to roll it up towards you, and as you licked the sticky part of the paper your eyes looked up, tongue touching the paper as you looked at him, pink cheeks as he stared, waiting for you to finish to do the exact same thing. You smile somehow embarrassed once you’re done, waiting for him to hand you the lighter.

“Yours looks prettier than mine.” He says, lifting the one he made up, smirking at you.

“Mmh, guess I’m better than you.” You tease a little, a soft chuckle escaping his lips. He throws you his lighter, watching you closely as he awaits. You place the spliff on your lips, parted slightly, inhaling as soon as the fire sparks it up, once the warmth hits your tongue you smile slightly, letting the smoke out into the lighted part of the joint. “Thanks.” You whisper to him as you toss the Zippo back.

“No problem.” He replays. Your eyes dart, from the spliff to him, as you see how his lips let out smoke slowly, almost as if he’s playing with it.

You look at him for a bit, grateful that smoking makes you even more comfortable around him.

“Y’know, it’s the polite thing to do, right?” He starts, out of nowhere.

“What is?”

“Letting you light it up first.” He starts, trying to explain himself, but you cut him off.

“Only because it wasn’t matches.” You replay, he seems confused by that, eyebrows raised and a smirk on his face, as if asking or saying, please, tell me more. “When someone smokes with you, and you’re the one that invites them to, you need to let them light it up first if you have a lighter, but, if you have matches on the other hand…” You pause for a moment, as you inhale again, keeping his attention. “It’s only polite that you light up first, so you inhale whatever toxic shit they have and your guest doesn’t.” You finish explaining, a gratified look on your face as you look back at him through the smoke.

“Wow.” He mutters. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you talk that long” He teases, and he finally manages to make you laugh, and he doesn’t have to mention it, but it is the first time he hears you laugh, and it sounds angelic to him. “I knew about the lighter, but not about the matches.”

“Well, the more you know I guess.” You joke, you were joking with him now, feeling like a pressure is being lifted as you sink down further into the loveseat.

He doesn’t say anything else for a while. And neither do you.

Your legs come up, your knees up to your chest, arm resting on top of them, and your head just kind of finds comfort on top of them, you're curled up, and you seem more comfortable than ever. He smiles down at you, softly, at the image of you smoking slowly, he hasn’t told you anything at all, but he enjoys you more than he knows he should. He’s lost on you, and the way that your hair falls away from your face. He likes the way your eyes seem to have closed down a bit more, the droopiness of the weed has made your eyelids feel heavier, and you let them fall more closed than before, making you look even more approachable than ever.

“You doing okay over there?” He asks, a husky tone in his voice now, makes you blush unconsciously.

“Myeah.” You mutter. “S’just, hitting now.” You let out, eyes fixated on the consuming end of the joint burning in between your fingers, playing with the smoke that comes out of it, moving it in short small circles. “So I usually put on music.”

“I’ve got music.” He says as he stands up, you can’t help but laugh as a thought crosses your brain.

“No screaming.” You demand, and you can hear how he chuckles, even if he’s standing with his back facing you, you can tell that he’s got a big smile on now.

When you hear his steps coming back from his room you chuckle as he drops a tape into your lap, waiting for you to examine it. You look up at him for a second, hands on his hips as he awaits for you, nodding with his head as he purses his lips together, holding the spliff in between them.

As you turn it around you see a little note on the back no screaming for eds in delicate lettering, you smile, but truth be told it becomes a sad smirk, as you realise that’s a woman's handwriting, and get confused at the jump that your heart seems to make as the realisation hits you.

“The smiths?” You ask looking up at him.

“Robin made it, for when they come and we have a…uh… in sort of night.” He tries to over explain himself, your head falls to your side as you look up at him.

“Robin?”

“Yeah?”

“Like, your girlfriend?” You ask before realising why or what you’re asking, he laughs as he shakes his head.

“No, no… Not even close, she uhh… Not her type.” He’s not only stumbling through his words, as he points at himself, but he chuckles as he explains it all to you, his tone has changed now, throatly as he hides a cough. “Besides, I think she is kinda like my best friend, more like uh…an annoying cousin.”

“Oh, okay.” You feel yourself blushing, as a small relief invades you slowly. “You’ve got more annoying cousins?” You ask as you hand him the tape back, nodding as you do so.

“Oh yeah.” You’re not sure how, but everytime he laughs something deep in you warms up to him even more. “There’s Nancy, uh she’s way too passionate over every single thing she deems unfair…” He begins to explain as he fumbles with the tape player. “She used to date this dude named Jonathan, but uh… He decided he was happier in California so… He broke things off.” He said, crouching down now, your eyes can’t help but travel down for a moment, as his jeans seem to hug his waist better now. “Pitty, I liked Jonathan. But yeah, and then there’s Steve.” He adds, as he hits play, standing up quickly.

Back to the old house, starts to fill the room.

“Steve?”

“Yeah, he’s this really… well, he looks like your typical jock but… honestly he’s not mean, or stupid or anything like that, he’s… nice.” He chuckles as he plops down on the couch.

“You seem to have a good friend group.” Even if you don’t intend to come across as jealous, your toneless voice doesn’t help you.

“Yeah, well, I’ve also got the Party, y’know, my D&D group.” He adds, happy, he sounds happy to talk about his friends, and his stupid smile doesn’t help you from copying the way his lips curve upwards.

“So you’re a nerd.” You tease him, your head now laid back, resting on the back of the loveseat, and even if you don’t see it, Eddie takes a moment to look at you, and the way your neck is exposed now, skin soft and naked.

“And a freak!” He adds, making you both chuckle. “What about you, who do you hang out with?”

“No one.” You admit, a bit too fast. You realise now, as you look back into his eyes, that yours are starting to sting, you know that if you hold his stare you won’t be able to stop tears from falling from them, so you look away, vision lost into nothing.

“What- uh- Whatduyoumean?” He asks now, low, you feel his stare on you.

“I hang out with you…” You try to convince him, but your brittle voice doesn’t do much for you.

“You don’t..?”

“No, I don’t have anyone else.” You admit, your eyes looking softly at him, as you see him. Compassion in his expression, not the pity you were expecting.

“Well then, you do now.” Even if it wasn’t his intention, even if he didn’t mean to, those five words make you tear up for a second, gratitude.

“Thank you Eddie.”

“You’ll be okay” You had been repeating it to yourself since you had left.

When you left last night Eddie had muttered an invitation, he wanted you to come over, he actually said it like that, he didn’t make you feel obligated to come, or like you were an afterthought, or that you would be an inconvenience. He actually said the words i want you to come. And as ridiculous as that was, it had made you feel special, it had made you feel appreciated, wanted.

Though, now, walking through the cold sun deprived Hawkins to reach Eddie’s trailer it all felt a bit too overwhelming. Your fingers were tangled with a loose threat that the end of your sweater had, you had been anxiously playing with it for the whole walk, and you only had realized now that you were in front of his trailer that your hands felt cramped, and your throat dry.

What was weird, and somehow off putting, was the way your shoulders dropped once you saw him sitting on the porch, smoking away as he stared at nothing. You did notice the way his ears seemed to move upwards as his smile appeared as soon as he saw you, and how he nodded with glee as you approached.

“You came.” His husky voice made you smile downwards as you were now standing right infront of him.

“You said I could come.”

“No, I said I wanted you to come.” He reassures you once again with a sweet fond look, offering you the rest of his half smoked joint. You nod in agreement as you sit down next to him.

What you liked best about hanging out with Eddie was the fact that you didn’t feel the need to keep talking. Silence with him felt just as good as a conversation, it was comfortable, it felt good. Not the usual sense of being overwhelmed, but a sense of calmness, and heartsease.

“Heads up.” He whispered, his breath down your neck as he came close to your ear. “Steve and Robin are already inside cooking or well, I don’t really know what they’re doing, Nance will come any second now with the movie, and she’s not too… um fond- of uh… Well, pot.” He always seemed to mumble his words even more so when he was in such close distance to you, and if you were honest, the fact that you could count his eyelashes if you wanted to didn’t really help your heart from returning to its normal rhythm.

“Um, yeah. Okay.”

“Okay.” He said as his eyes glared down for a second, you’re unsure if he looked at the ground or your lips, so the tingling sense of electricity between the both of you only had you have to take a deep breath, before even attempting to get another hit at the spliff on the end of your fingers.

“Edds?”

His eyes brightened up at the sound of your voice calling his name.

“Yeah?”

“What movie?”

He laughed, as he playfully bumped your arm with his shoulder.

“You’ll like it. Come on.”

You took his extended hand as he offered it, walking inside as you left the remains of the joint burn up on the ground.

“Oh I love this scene.” Robin whispered as the ball sequence started.

“Why?” Steve answered with his mouth full of popcorn.

“What do you mean why?” She pointed out, staring at the T.V in awe.

“I mean I don’t get it.” He teased back.

“Just look at it!” She said in a frustrated laugh, as Nancy gleamed at them.

You enjoyed looking at them.

Steve was sat down on the ground, with his back on the foot rest of the loveseat, who was invaded by Robin, who had her legs crossed so they wouldn’t bother his friend. Steve seemed to enjoy this kind of contact, resting his head lazily into Robin’s leg, as she petted his hair without really thinking about it. You're not sure why, but this, that ridiculous touch of kindness, that act of friendship warmed you, even if it wasn’t happening to you, it felt good seeing that two people could care about each other and know one another so deeply that they felt comfortable enough. You smirk, looking over at them, before turning your attention back to the T.V you realise that Nancy, who’s sitting down on one of the extra chairs, is also aware of the touch between them, though in her eyes melancholy seems to be more present, as she stares at the way Robin seems lost into the movie while mindlessly playing with Steve’s hair.

You can’t help your fingers from tapping away as the rhythm of Bowie’s song accompanies the scene of the movie, your attention focused again onto the movie, as you feel the weight of your left change as Eddie readjusts himself, his leg closer to yours, his head closing distance to you so he could whisper into your ear.

“You’re liking the movie?” You inhale softly as you turn your head to look at him, and your head backs up when you realise that once you had turned your noses where almost touching, you see that your breaths were mixing and that your cheeks were warm, you needed to get some separation to not stumble through your words.

“It’s my favourite one, actually.” You whisper back. A fond smile invading your lips, not really knowing why, not caring about it really.

“I guessed it right, then.” He teases as he winks at you, a soft chuckle escaping your lips, as you both look back at the T.V.

“You’re a lucky guy.” You tease him back. As you feel him nudging his shoulder into you playfully, your memory of last night makes you giggle as you whisper once again, but this time it’s you who whispers into his ear, your breath tickling down his neck, you’re unaware of the goosebumps you’re creating. “You should add some David Bowie onto that tape.”

He nods before speaking, his arm now pressing against you.

“Maybe I will.”

They had all left once the movie had finished, begging Eddie to remember to actually return it the next day, you stood up, trying to leave without anyone seeing you, but as soon as he looks at you, he shows you a little green bag, mouthing the words on me. You just nodded and walked back to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water.

That had been a couple of hours ago, and now you were both sitting down on the sofa, facing each other. Your back rested on the outside arm, and so did his, faceing you, he hadn’t been able to stop looking at you. The no screaming for eds cassette was playing quietly in the background while he talked animatedly about his last campaign, and his band, really everything that came to his mind.

Now one of those moments of silence was in action, and for once you decided to move your head and look at him, really look at him.

The way his hair fell away from his eyes, tangled, messy but perfectly placed. Every curl intact. The T-shirt he was now wearing, since he left his jacket lazily placed against the back pillows of the couch, was faded, though an old or incredibly worn out DIO logo could be seen. The way that he had placed himself left his lower abdomen exposed, a small trail of hair seemed to connect his belly button to somewhere under his pants that you were really trying not to eye.

“Hey, hey… Are you listening, bud?” His voice, or rather concern, snaps you back, away from your thoughts.

“Mmmh?” Your eyes travel back to his, they seem locked into you, and for some reason that makes you slightly uncomfortable, your body hugging itself a bit more. “Yeah, yeah sorry, was just thinking.” He nods, as he readjusts his body closer to you.

“Do you uh… need to talk about something?”

“Something?”

“Anything”

Your head falls to your right, looking back at the ground, trying not to respond before being sure you could be candid, you could be true and not do what you always did. Lie and say that everything’s fine. Because truth be told, everything is not fine, not at all.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea.” Your voice is now closer to a whisper, fragile, might be a good way to describe it.

“Hey… If you need to let something out, just… I’m here, okay?”

You’re not sure why, and you don’t care. That made your eyes well up with tears, and your lower lip started shaking as your eyes looked away at him, knowing that as soon as you make eye contact you won’t be able to stop yourself from crumbling down.

“Thanks Ed…”

And it was in that moment, when he placed his hand on your knee and gave you a small squeeze that you felt how your shoulders dropped as a tear escaped your eyes, leaving a salty trail on your cheek. You wipe it away, but not fast enough so he wouldn’t see it.

“I’m sorry…” Your brittle voice gives you away even if he hadn’t seen the tear, he would know just by the way you sound.

“Don’t be.” He reassures you, the grip on your knee now stronger and deeper.

“I just… I’m so empty all the time.” You confess, as your breath starts to accelerate, and you try to look at anywhere else that wasn’t him, the palm of your hand glued to your cheek now, dabbing away the tears. “I feel like it doesn’t matter what I do, or don’t do it doesn’t matter ‘cause I always fuck everything up, and nobody’s there anymore and that’s good, because if there’s nobody, nobody will be hurt by anything I do or don’t do and I just…” You stop, trying to catch your breath, and as you sniffle he comes a bit closer. “I’m sorry… that you had to um… sorry.”

“Please don’t be, I’m here. Anything you need okay?” You smile weakly as you finally look at him, feeling like you’re really tired of holding back all of the tears, and the sorrow that deepens your chest and makes it harder to breathe on a regular basis. “Can I do anything for you?”

“Can you… Can you just lie to me? Tell me everything’s gonna be okay?” You finally break as you crumble down. Even if he panics briefly he doesn’t show it, he shows no hesitations as he dips down, embracing you softly as he strokes your back, letting you cry as much as you need to, his fingers get lost in your hair as he plays with it, calming you down.

“It’s not a lie, because it will be okay. I’m here okay?” He knows better than to expect a response, so he smiles when he feels you nod. His smile deepens as he hears how you slowly stop crying, and you stop shaking.

It takes time, but as you calm down, and he lets go, you sit up again. His hands travels to your face, pushing your hair out of your face, whipping away the last tear.

“I’ll tell you what.” He starts as his thumb strokes your chin with an incredible amount of care. “I’ll go make you some tea, and then I’ll drive you home if you want.”

You nod, and stay in the couch, watching him walk all the way to the kitchen, you realise you feel safe for once, and not scared or vulnerable. It makes you see that you don’t want to leave, that you would rather stay here and not go back to your cold and empty flat.

And for once, you decide to say something, not ashamed, but calm, knowing that he won’t judge you.

“Eds?” You ask as soon as he is once again beside you, hot cup of tea in his hands, leaving it in your hands.

“Yes bud?”

“Can I stay here?” You see how his eyes shine as soon as he registers your question.

He gives you an upside down smile as he looks at you, deep in the eyes.

“I’m happy sleeping on the couch.” You try to negotiate.

“You’ll take the bed.” He says, his eyes darting around between your eyes and your lips. “You can stay as long as you like.”

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