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mrs-dynamight · 3 years

Text

Be Nice To Me

Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x fem!Reader, Denki Kaminari x fem!Reader

Warnings: Eventual mature content, angst, hurt/comfort, love triangle, the reader is lowkey toxic, everything will be adressed in every episode (:

Chapter warning: Swearing but just a little bit of it. Everything else is pure Fluff.

Chapter: 1/? I'm planning about 20, maybe even a little more.

Synopsis: You're in love with your best friend Bakugou, and you're cofessing to him but things get a lot more complicated when Denki starts to treat you different *wink wink*

Word count: 1.1k

Author's note: Heeey! This is my first fic ever in life, I had this idea rotting in my brain and I've been dying to write it for soo long, it is lowkey inspired of something that happened in mi DR. English isn't my first language so if you see any grammar mistakes please lemme know. Luv ya.

Chapter 1 I wanna be Yours- Arctic Monkeys

I’ve been in love with Bakugo Katsuki since our first year in the UA, I mean yeah, he’s got some issues to deal with, but he was able to go through a lot of stuff, he was kidnapped, marked as a problem child and been a victim of this disastrous “hero society”, but in the end he is just a loud kid who likes to win, there is absolutely nothing wrong with him wanting to be the no. 1 hero. Isn’t it?

Today is the day, the first day of our last year in this hero academy that made the promise of turning kids like us into saviours of the people, it’s been a long journey since the selection exam and at first I was kinda shocked that I really gotten into class 1-A, since there was people with better kirks than mine, I used to think that drawing things in my skin was way less impressive and useful than shooting lightings, make things float or throwing acid, but I grew fond of my quirk thanks to our talented teacher Mr. Aizawa and the marvellous All Might, and in this day I’m really proud of everything we have accomplished as students, and that is why I am going to confess my undying love for the ash blonde guy this year.

I’ve waited enough time I know, but there was so much more I had to know before telling him, at first I was completely sure he and Kirishima were boyfiends, but it turns out they just love each other in a soulmate-ish kinda way, and of course be sure Bakugo actually likes girls (although neither of us actually knows what does he like cause he never talks about that stuff), my best friends Deku, Shoto, Ochako, Tsuyu, and Tenya have been listening me rambling about Katsuki for two whole years so we made a 12 steps-ish program for confessing, but now that is time for the first step I’m nervous as I can be, sure it’s easy, it’s not like it is the first time actually talking to him but it surely feels different. I grab my stuff and wait by the class 3-A dorms stairs, but the one who comes up is no other than my favourite pokemon in the flesh.

-Well if it isn´t L/N Y/N in person- Said Denki Kaminari with a big smile and a non matching sleep deprived face – I appreciate you waiting for me to walk to class together but I have to eat breakfast first, Sero bought this new cereal who is basically just marshmallows and colourful tiny stuff and I’m dying for tasting it but you know how Aizawa don’t like when I eat sugar before class, or during class, or after, In fact I don’t think he wants me eating sugar at all, but it just tastes sooo good, Y/N wanna gab something for lunch?-

-No thanks Denki, actually I’m waiting for Bakugo, I have a couple questions about his internship, you know quirk related stuff, and… uhh just school things I guess, but please tell me if the cereal tastes good, now I’m dying to know- I say with a bit more nervous expression that I planned, but I don’t think Denki notices

-I’ll let you know, good luck with Bakubro, he’s angrier that usual today- Said the yellow haired boy.

And just as he said that a Redhair and a Blonde came downstairs, my heart skipped a beat when Bakugo looked at me with that gorgeous crimson eyes.

-Good morning Y/N!- Said Kirishima with his usual brighter than the sun smile

-Morning, draw- Said Bakugo in his usual raspy voice. C

onsidering how almost every one of us in class A were upgraded from “extras” to some sort of specific quirk related nickname “Draw” was one of the best, and I think it was because of how close he and I have grown, ever since we started training together after the UA sports festival of our first year, I was beat up so easily by Tetsutetsu that I had to practically beg for assistance and of course, Bakugo being the winner and also no. 1 in class was the perfect choice, two years has passed and I can say with confidence that he is my best friend, he would deny it completely if someone asked it, but I think he also enjoys my company, I have seen him laugh, cry, complain about family or whatever, and even blush when I asked if he and Kiri where a thing, and my feelings toward him only grew and grew.

-HeyBakugo, wannawalktoclasstogether? Ihaveacoupleofquestionsaboutinternshipsandthisthinghappendwithmyquirk and… – I was so nervous that I spoke way too fast.

-Have you been drinking that monster stuff that shitty hair and Pikachu are into? Because I didn’t understand a single word coming from your mouth, now besides tutoring you in kicking ass I have to make sure you know how to speak? – Bakugo said with his usual mocking kinda bully tone

-Hey, just wanted to walk you class, what if some crusty-looking guy wants to kidnap you on the way there? AGAIN – I said with some defiance tone, Denki busted into laugh and Bakugo give him a killing stare.

- ‘Tch, let’s go then, shitty woman- Was that a blush? Maybe I crossed the line but bitch I might be.

This was the first part of the plan, just casually invite him on a date, I know him, he can’t say no to 8x spicy ramen and a night at the arcade (anything were he can fight and win, thank God for Bakugos competitiveness)

-So Katsuki, I was wondering if you are free on Friday, there is this new ramen place, and they have this extra spicy ramen challenge that I just know you can beat- I say holding my breath to not sound so nervous, why am I so nervous? This is Bakugo, we’ve been friends for two whole years, we’ve hung out together a lot of times, sure with Kiri, Mina, Denki or Sero, but, it counts, right?

- Huh? Friday? Yeah why not, bet that I can beat you at eating too, should I tell shitty hair? – He said.

-Actually I have only two coupons so I was thinking we just both go after school, I also want to beat your ass in Mario Kart so maybe a ramen and arcade afternoon? – Yeah Y/N confidence, relax, you got this.

-Beat me in something? I doubt you can be able to do that woman, but sure, let´s give it a try then, just don’t hate me for being better than you in everything- He said with a smirk in his face, God he’s gorgeous.

-You wish Katsuki- Yeah that’s better, this is the friendship we have built for over two years, everything is going to be just fine.

OMG! Thanks for reading, if you wanna be tagged in the series please lemme know.

Part 2 here

#bakugou x fem!reader #bakugou imagine #bakugou x y/n #bakugou fanfiction #mha fanfiction #my hero academy fanfiction #bnha fanfiction #bnha fic #denki x reader #denki x y/n #denki imagine #denki fanfic #bnha smut #bnha x y/n #mha smut #mha imagines

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monst · 4 years

Text

Meatiness (Spice things up)

All characters 18+

Bakugou Katsuki x Reader x Meatball! Kirishima!

Warnings: Meatball Smut… Dub/Con? Meatball lore…. It’s kinda messed up in the sense that it has slightly dark undertones….. Bittersweet?

Either way this was voted on in the dungeon and everyone who voted said you’d like this one better. ^.^ Happy late Birthday you big goof! When the meatball pillows are back in stock I’ll totally buy you one you lovable weirdo <3 @lady-bakuhoe Tagging the rest of the meatball brigade @secondhand-trash @redbeanteax

Life hadn’t been the kindest as of late... Heroes tried their hardest in trying to make people feel safe again but with a hero going missing every other day it was getting exceedingly difficult. No one knew where they went, there were no leads, no witnesses, no evidence. Nothing. Nothing but 24 open missing hero cases.

Despite the chaos going around in the world there were positives. One of which came in the form of union. Never in the history of Japan had heroes come together in such a way. Not when the threat of stain loomed over them, nor when AFO’s protegee threatened to shake the foundations of the hero society. In fact agencies grew so close that there were new bonds created, new friendships and in your case a chance at love in the midst of the grey.

You had been a former acquaintance of the Pro-Hero Bakugou Katsuki, having met him during your days in U.A. As a student in class 1b you weren’t close to him but you did get along with his friends. In specific a cheerful red-head who loved to tag along with you and your good friend Tetsutetsu. You remember chatting with the bright teen for hours.

A nostalgic smile tugged at your lips as you thought of the man. But you were brought out of your reminiscing by the man who cradled your heart. His rough fingers caressed your cheek and like a tilting tower you leaned into the affection. The pressure of his plush lips pressing against yours eased the ache. It eased the ache for both of you.

“Wanna go grab something to eat before we head home?” Bakugou asked.

“Sure.” You smiled, linking your fingers with his slightly sweaty ones. Your smile was soft as you recalled how hesitant he was to hold your hand at the beginning of your courtship. But, there was no other clammy hand you’d ever want to hold.

“Can we get pizza?” You mused, squeezing said clammy hand.

“I guess we can.” He hummed, and as if it were wired into him he changed the direction of his strut to head into the familiar direction of your favorite pizzeria.

“So, how was your patrol?” You asked, hearing the faint chime of the bell as you entered the shop.

“Shitty.” He grumbled. “Some dumbass thought that it was okay to rob a corner store while I was right outside.”

You thought of Bakugou standing outside of the store with his arms crossed. You snickered at the imagery.

“Laugh it up.” He scoffed, strutting up to the counter. “What’d you do?”

“I got stuck inside.” You sighed. “Had to fill out paperwork from the incident yesterday.”

“The villain that got stuck in the swing?” He asked.

“Yeah.” You huffed. “I still don’t know what the fuck made him get in there.”

“Don’t complain babe at least ya caught the guy.” He ‘scolded’ sliding over his debit card.

You couldn’t help but raise a skeptical brow. Bakugou telling you not to complain. That was rich. Before you could call him out on his bull your order was placed in front of you. Your brows furrowed in confusion. You didn’t remember ordering.

“Here you go, the usual. Right?” The man grinned. “Eh? Where’s the Red one? I put extra sausage on his slice.”

You squeezed Bakugou’s hand when you felt him tense. “Come to think of it I haven’t seen you guys for about a month now. You guys usually come twice a week.” The man mused.

“Lot’s of work recently!” You answered curtly.

“I guess so.” He paused. “Well you heroes stay safe!”

“You too sir.” You smiled grabbing the pie as Bakugou slid his card back into his wallet.

“Eww you're so gross” You laughed at the exaggerated belch that came from the blonde. With your meals warming up your bellies the both of you sat leaning against each other on the couch. A squeal slipped past your lips when Bakugou rolled over on top of you. “Get off” You laughed.

His strong arms only tightened around your frame. “Katsukiiiii” You whined. “You're heavy.”

“I know.” He murmured into your neck. Your hands came up to his head and you began to thread your fingers into the soft blond locks. A soft sigh escaped you when you felt his lips press against the sensitive skin of your neck. You hummed at the pleasant feeling of his hands massaging the flesh of your sides softly. And when he leaned back up his lips met yours in such a gentle caress that you had to pull back to see if you were indeed kissing Bakugou Katsuki.

“I wanna try something new tonight.” He flushed.

“Is this because of what Kaminari said?” You asked. His silence spoke volumes. “Babe Denki doesn’t know shit about what I like and trust me I’ll never grow tired of having sex with you, besides I love it when you fuck me into mush.” You grinned.

“You sure?” He asked, his vermillion eyes vulnerable, searching for your validation that he would be enough.

“Yeah.” You reassured. “But I’m still curious about what this ‘something new’ is. I mean we have done a lot so far.”

It was then that Bakugou’s face split into a familiar expression. His smug expression twisted your gut in feelings of nervousness and excitement. And you sat up on the couch when his body heat left yours as he stood and walked off into the bathroom.

You made an inhuman sound when he came back with… a blob. You looked up into his excited eyes with unabashed confusion.

“I thought we could use this to spice things up.” He offered, handing you the soft glob.

You scrunched your nose at it. “Katsuki… What the fuck is this?”

“Haven’t you heard?” He scoffed. “It’s all the ‘rave’ some freaky asshole created these new toys. And, everyone is giving them good ratings.”

“...I dunno babe it looks kinda freaky.” You mused, squishing the ilable flesh of the creature? “Is it alive?”

“Yeah. They come with a rule book.” He replied, maroon eyes flipping the pages of the booklet.

“Wait, you mean it’s seriously alive?!” You gasped, looking down to see it’s red eyes gazing back at you. “We can’t just-”

“Relax, it's their natural function. Apparently they die if they are not used like this. Something about the enzymes in arousal fluid is enough to give them nutrients to keep them alive. Huh weird.”

“That’s weird?!” You bristled holding up the strangely happy sack of meat.

“No, not that, apparently you can’t finish inside of them.” You narrowed your eyes at your lover. You felt as if though he was trying to prank you.

“....” You looked back down at the meat while the blonde flipped through the book. It was soft and smooth to touch. ‘It kinda feels like mochi….’ In a way it was kinda cute? Well it’s happy expression was what distracted you from thinking about the perplexity of the pulpy mass. Your fingers stroked the small patches of black hair? And a small smile slipped onto your face as it cooed and purred cheerfully. You then hugged the squishy thing to your chest. It reminded you of those stuffed toys called Squooshems.

“What are you doing?” Bakugou smirked.

“S-shut up it’s cute.” You pouted.

“It’s a sex ‘fiend’.” He replied, You deadpanned. “Don’t look at me like that it’s in the book.” He flushed shoving the book into your face. ‘Sex fiend..... Well then….’

You looked down at the thing in your arms doubtfully. You couldn’t believe something this cute was so lewd. You were brought out of your pondering when Bakugou plucked the floofy thing from your arms. He motioned for you to follow him as he disappeared into the bedroom…. You were curious.

The bed dipped under your weight and it made you press right up against Bakugou who was sitting atop the mattress turning the creature over. The meaty sack seemed to be excited as it began to salivate when Bakugou’s thick fingers pressed into its mouth. You felt your face heat up at the slurping sounds coming from the exchange. Your gaze was fixated on the way it’s tongue rolled over Bakugou’s fingers.

When Bakugou removed his fingers from its mouth, wet, his fingers glistened in the light of the room and when he spread them the strings of saliva also caught the light. You watched in fascination as the creature wriggled in need. It was when Bakugou’s fingers reached its other end that it made a higher pitched sound.

“It just moaned.” You flushed.

“Holy shit.” Bakugou gasped, pressing one of his fingers into the plump flesh’s hole. “It’s so fucking tight.”

You gave your lover a side-eyed grin. “Someone’s excited.” You teased.

“Shut the fuck up (Name).” He grumbled, wedging another digit into the creature's body. The blob keened in pleasure what you assumed was it’s face reddened in a blush. You pressed your thighs together in questionable arousal. You didn’t have time to question your arousal as you noticed Bakugou’s cock straining against the fabric of his trousers.

“Fuck.” Bakugou hissed when your hand brushed against his growing need. His lips met yours roughly as you palmed his hardened length. He kept fingering the blob as you undid the buttons of his pants.

He pulled his fingers out of the whining ball of flesh with a slick pop. He disregarded the creatures whines of protest and swatted your hands away.

“Nu uh princess this is about you.” He grinned, while placing the soft creature to the side.

“Katsuki!” you yelped, when he pushed you backwards onto the mattress being mindful of the other occupant. His fingers made quick work of your clothes and they lay tousled wherever they landed. Just as his fingers were about to reach around to unclasp your bra you stopped him. Your fingers digging into the hem of his shirt to pull it off of his body.

You swore that no matter how many times you’ve seen the blonde bare before you it never failed to leave you in awe. His dedication to his job was defined by all the rippling muscles that covered his strong form. Every dip, curve and scar that littered his body made up the masterpiece that was Bakugou Katsuki. To you he was the paragon of men.

“Keep starin’ princess.” His cocky tease was met with a roll of your eyes. You didn’t have time to retort as he leaned over you his teeth grazing the skin of your neck with every blistering kiss he left down its wake. His calloused hand gripped your breast firmly, thumbs brushing over your pebbling nipples while his other hand trailed down your body.

When he met the band of your panties he pulled the elastic back and let it slap against your skin. His name left your lips in an annoyed tone. He chuckled at the chide and slid his fingers underneath the flimsy material. Your fingers found refuge buried in his thick tresses when his fingers swiped over your trembling cunt.

“Looks like I was the only one who was excited.” He sneered.

“Shut up and touch me” You gasped. You were dripping, Bakugou didn’t even need to part your folds to collect the slick that had been seeping out of your pussy.

“I don’t think so sweetheart.” He mocked pulling his fingers out of your damp panties. You gawked at him in disbelief. But, he disregarded your expression and tugged off your panties. You snorted when he sling shot them across the room.

“You're such a dork.” You laughed, arching off the bed to unclasp your bra. He leaned over you and palmed your supple breasts. He squeezed the pulpy flesh and pushed his nose against yours.

“Imma cuff you up now alright?” He asked. You nodded watching as the muscles in his torso flexed when he reached over to grab the fuzzy handcuffs from the drawer. He spun them around on his finger and you whined in impatience.

Once they were closed around your wrist and attached to the bed frame you looked up at him curiously. “Only one?”

“Remember we're tryin somethin new” He replied, turning his head to motion the discarded blob. “This way you can stop whenever it gets to be too much.” You nodded in understanding. His heated palms trailed down your body and stopped at the top of your thighs.

“Ready?” He asked. When he received your nod he parted your thighs and reached over to grab the soft glob.

You bit your lip as the creature was pressed closer to your drooling lips. The cool flesh of it felt good against your heat and when it’s tongue flicked out of its mouth to lap at your folds you sighed. Bakugou made sure to press the thing snug against your cunt and he leaned back to discard his pants and boxes in order to watch it work.

“Hnnng” You mewled as its tongue swirled around your sensitive clit. It licked you feverishly and you couldn’t help the moans that tumbled from your parted lips.

“K-katsuki!” You gasped. “Hmmm It feels so good.”

Bakugou’s vermillion eyes looked down at you in fascination. You looked delicious. Your eyes were screwed shut as you panted in pleasure. Your body was already glowing with a light sheen of sweat and your pussy? You were gushing, your stingy slick was slipping down your spread thighs and dripping onto the sheets. When the creature pressed it’s tongue inside of your needy hole Bakugou groaned.

You made out the sound of him spitting onto his cock and ground your hips against the creature eating you out expertly. Hell, it was as if the meaty sack knew exactly where to touch you as it immediately found the zone in your cunt that brought you the most pleasure.

“Such a dirty bitch.” Bakugou hissed, dragging his hand up and down his length as he watched the thing get you off. “Tell me (Name) how's it feel?”

“Gud~” You babbled incoherently. There was only one person who could eat you out this well and have you seeing stars and the thought of it had your free hand gripping the ‘sex fiend’ closer to your cunt. “It’s so good. Fuck Katsuki! Thank you~ Thank you, Thank you.”

Bakugou flushed at the sight of you coming undone. “Please hnn Kattssuu please fuck it too. I-I want you to feel gud too~”

Bakugou removed your hand from the blob and linked his fingers with yours. He guided the head of his cock to the meaty creature's hole. Your teary eyes caught how sexy Bekugou looked letting his drool seep down onto his throbbing length and you almost came.

“You better not fucking cum.” He hissed pressing into the tight hole.

“I wanna cum~” You whined.

“H-hold it.” He gasped, watching as his thick length disappeared into the creature inch by inch. Bakugou was panting. “So fucking tight.” He pulled out only to slam back in a slick ‘slosh’ accompanying the entrance. You moaned loudly at the movement. Everytime Bakugou slammed into the sack of meat it pressed harder upon your needy cunt.

“More~ Ah! Fuck harder.” You drooled. “Katsuki harder p-please.” You whined.

“Slutty ass bitch” He grunted watching as your tongue slipped out of your mouth to lick at your lips.

“Fuck I’m gonna cum” You whimpered.

“D-don’t you fucking dare its-” Bakugou couldn’t finsih his sentence. You had clenched around the tongue thrusting into your pussy and like a wave washing over the shore, your orgasm washed over you. You squirmed as it continued to lap at your folds it’s hands holding onto your thighs firmly to keep you from moving away.

Bakugou’s jaw dropped when he felt himself get pushed back from you. He blinked in disbelief as he realized that he was balls deep in someone's ass. His bottom lip trembled when he saw the man pull up from in between your legs.

“Katsuki don’t stop.” He panted.

Kirishima felt Bakugou’s tears hit him back and pushed his ass against the thick cock that had been still inside of him.

“E-Eijirou” He stuttered.

Your eyes snapped open at the name. Familiar red eyes gazed back at you lovingly. And you couldn’t stop the ugly sob that tore itself from your throat. Your hand went up to warm around his strong shoulder as you sobbed against his lips that pressed against your. Bakugou’s grip on his ass tightened as he slammed back into the man. Kirishima groaned into your mouth, his fingers diving back down your body to press into your pulsing cunt.

Both you and Bakugou had questions. So many fucking questions. But for now you would indulge in the fact that for unknown reasons your lover was gifted back to the both of you.

Kirishima laid in between the two of you as you both hugged his sides. Neither of you planned on letting him go. Not now or ever. And in a mess of love proclamation and tears Kirishima explained what had happened.

“So all the missing heroes....” You sniffled.

“Yes….”

“Damn, it’s so fucking infuriating.” Bakugou seethed.

“Hey, at least now we know where they’re going and we can put a stop to it.” Kirishima’s smile trembled. “...I was so scared.”

“You’re safe now.” You whispered hugging his arm to your chest.

“Life was so fucking hard without you Ei.” Bakugou confessed.

“We missed you so damn much.” You added.

“I missed you guys so fucking much too.” He whimpered, and a pregnant silence filled the room as you all tried to process what was going on.

“W-we got your favorite pizza.” You smiled breaking the silence while trying to lighten the mood.

“Yeah, have something to eat and we’ll figure out what to do next.” Bakugou agreed.

“I love you both so much.” He cried, shrinking into both yours and Bakugou’s embrace.

#Meatball smut #meatball Kirishima #kirbaku x reader #bakugou x reader #kirishima x reader #bakugou smut #kirishima smut #Tw: Dub/Con #Meatball lore #bakugou katsuki #eijirou kirishima #bakugou katsuki x reader #kirishima eijirou x reader #Bnha smut

764 notes · View notes

mrskurono · 3 years

Note

i wanted to say something related with the thing about the plain repetitive fics earlier when the notification popped up but was busy and in a horrible humor 🥴🥴 so imma say it now

we as consumers (the ones who only read) are most at fault here i think bc the writers always ask and the ones with beautifully written 5k words almost beg for readers to interact/reblog so it spreads and gets to other people(i am at fault here too im a social anxiety ridden person) and because of this lack of interaction the "shitty" or plain or whatever gets more interactions... on other side there are also lazy ass people that don't wanna read 5k words (their loss lol) and stick with the plain ooc shitty cookie cutter stories, the ones who get the spotlight unfortunately...

sorry for the long ass rant, got lost in the middle and wrote it with a baby crying and screaming and laughing by my side lol, hope ur having a good day/evening and taking care of you and your baby💕💕

For the five hundred and fifty two years I've been on this site I will say there was a definitive switch between supporting content creators (of any media) and now expecting things to be spoon fed them in the simplest way without feeling an obligation to return the favor with even the meager of feedback. I wouldn't say it went down hill when Tumblr did it's purge bc honestly it was going downhill before that. It was like one month people were excited to share their hyperfixations and fandoms. And now no one wants to do anything bc of the cringe worthy puritan culture that has swept through most social medias. This focus on likes only, popularity and being a god send famous person is just so fucking weird to me. Anymore anyone is so afraid to even entertain the idea that they would consume something "unsanitary" and then get in trouble for it that it's reached its way to the creators. Many have stopped bc of hate. Many have stopped for fear of hate. Just as many have stopped bc its just not worth it anymore. It's frankly sad bc now "trendy" things are the only thing that sells. Tik tok reaction crap, daddy kinks, uwu sub babies, etc. This very tiny box of what's "ok" has doubled down on so many people just straight up quitting. These things that have been deemed "acceptable" while other things get demonized.

And this goes for non sexual items too. Wanna write best friends au? Unrealistic, bull crap, "never happens". But twelve dozen people wanna write a mafia au? Great, brilliant, "totally plausible". A lot of people complain about the sexual factors of fandoms but honestly fluff is just as looked down on unless it's exactly how this mass decided it to be. It use to be in fandoms you could find so much. Oh my god there was so so so much you could find. If you thought of it, you could find it. But now its the same idea regurgitated fifty times. I get people enjoying what they enjoy (I for one enjoy friendships and mutual pining and such) but the fact that everything else gets shoved to the side bc the majority doesn't "want it" and then others are "too afraid" to engage frankly means more and more writers are going to leave and not come back. And it's sad really bc so many writers are wonderful and great but no one wants to support them. I understand being anxiety riddled. I didn't start posting even online half a decade after I started writing. I kept everything on a note app and interacted with no one when I did get brave enough to post online in the small fandoms I was in. So the anxiety thing I get but at some point you have to decide if it's worth more to lurk and watch your content creators and friends leave. Or to support them and others.

Make entirely new blog. Give no defining traits to yourself. Don't even have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. But reblogging (with proper tags) means a million different things to artists of all kind. You don't even have to leave a comment. Simply reblogging something and making sure it can be spread through proper tags in the fandom means the world to creators and it's so small but keeps us going. I do it here on my blog all the time. I'm not an avid reader but I adore art and reblog the crap out of characters I might not even like. Just so that artist knows "hey, someone saw this and they want more people to see it bc its amazing"

This isn't meant to be mean spirited or a lecture but frankly Tumblr is going to loose a lot of its media and its sad to watch it go down the drains. But on the brightside ao3 is still wonderful and a heavenly place to post fics! The traffic is wonderful and to any fic writers who haven't signed up for it I really suggest it. All the fandoms I've posted in so far have been really engaging and lots of people even comment which is just such a serotonin boost. If you haven't started cross posting on ao3 I highly suggest it

#three.talks #anon

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guessimjoiningthespidermanfandom · 3 years

Text

No One Lives Forever Not Even God

Peter Parker x bisexual!reader

Peter Parker x fem!reader

Peter Parker x black!reader

Peter Parker x villain!reader

Warnings: Language, Insomnia, mentions of antidepressants, mentions of drugs, drug use, mentions of addiction, mentions of nazis, parental neglect, mentions of the dead, cemeteries, mentions of meltdowns, corrupt government, mentions of cancer, low self esteem, self destructive behavior, medical testing, thoughts of murder, mentions of injury, and mentions of knives,

Word Count: 6.1k

Songs: Mother- Pink Floyd, He Can Only Hold Her- Amy Whinehouse, A Pearl- Mitski, Me and My Husband- Mitski, Saint Bernard- Lincon, Why Didn't You Stop Me?- Mistki, Nuestro Planeta- Kali Uchis, You Know I'm No Good-Amy Whinehouse, and Love Is a Losing Game- Amy Whinehouse.

"I’ve been in a very poetic mood lately. I think it’s funny how anything could be considered poetry and something you relate too. Like Twitter or any other social media and the ongoing gag of people feeling the need to announce the fact that they’re making moves in silence. But that’s what I’m doing, making moves in silence. If anyone is in my business now I’m politely asking you to remove yourself from it before I make you.”

A/N: I only did one proofread so sorry if there are typos and this is just more of an infodump to set up other chapters so enjoy ig. I almost gonna start another series a social media AU let me know if you'd want to be tagged in either of these series.

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Nightmares come while I’m asleep but, when I’m awake the nightmares of the day just come for me then, so really I’m just stuck. I would like to say the antidepressants are working, it's just the insomnia that comes with them isn't working for me. I’m honestly starting to think mood stabilizers would do me better.

Mother, do you think they'll drop the bomb?

I’m not sure I could blame this all on the pills though. I’d have to give some of the credit to the massive bombshell that a certain ex Avenger had dropped on me.

It's almost like every five seconds a new giant secret about my mom is unveiled to me. Like sure I saw from the video that she’d left me that she had associations with some bad people like Kingpin but nazis?

SHIELD had apparently collapsed because it was infiltrated by Hydra but it was prevalent while my mom was still alive. Seems like she had worked for or with everyone who was anyone. I’m just gonna give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn’t know because up until two weeks ago I didn’t either.

Her and Natasha had been recruited at the same time and worked together but for someone who claims to have been so close to her you’d think she’d know that she was dead. “She went off the grid and that was the last I heard from her,” is all she gave me with a smile that even I could tell was fake and I’d just met the woman.

You know when grown folks come up to you and expect you to remember them because they met you once while you were like in the womb that’s kinda my relationship with Natasha. She knows so much about me and I know absolutely nothing about her save for the fact she's a spy meaning she’d be a great liar.

She used to babysit me sometimes if I could trust what she says that is. Apparently I called her “Auntie Nat”. For some reason no one ever thought it was a good idea to inform me that I had a godmother. Maybe they did and I just forgot.

I thought they were supposed to take care of you when something happened to your parents. And the one who’s alive is about as useless as the other. It might be fun to have another person that was considered family. Just maybe not a spy at least I’d know she’d walk out of my life so I won’t get attached.

Mother, do you think they'll like the song?

“Hey mom,” I sighed sitting down in the light dusting in front of her tombstone. “I know it’s been a while and I’ve got a lot to catch you up on,”

It took a bit of digging before I found what I was looking for in my bag. I ran my fingers along the cold surface of the small jewelry box. There was puffy white glue holding the larger pieces together.

I placed the box in the grass sitting next to the tombstone. I removed a purple coiled bracelet and sat it next to the box.

I tucked my legs under my body admiring the piece of jewelry.

“I brought you a bracelet,” I spoke. “It’s kinda like a friendship bracelet cause I have the other. I don’t know if I should leave it here in case someone steals it,” I laughed. “You’d have to be a real shitty person to steal from a cemetery though,”

I curse so often I didn’t realize I did it until I had already done it.

“Ah sorry! Excuse my French,” I chuckled.

“I met Natasha Romanoff and she said she knew you. She said she knew me too. I don’t remember her though…” I trailed off.

For someone who claimed to have a lot to say I sure was at a loss for words. I just didn’t know how to get any of them out.

“Oh! You’re not gonna believe me if I tell you but I got to meet some of the Avengers. Most of them were new though. You’d know some of them. Like Captain America I wanted his help but he couldn’t provide it,”

I had a bit of an episode when I was told no one knew where Thor was. I think it was justified though.

How the fuck do you lose two Avengers let alone the ones that can’t possibly be hidden. One is green and huge and the other leaves lightning bolts everywhere they go.

Mother, do you think they'll try to break my balls?

“The other is Natasha but I don’t think I really knew that yet. She went by Black Widow. I’m sure you knew that though. You probably know a lot,”

I wonder how many secrets she never told me about. I mean I could only imagine all the secrets working for the government would let you in on. Like she probably knew about big stuff like the Tesseract and aliens maybe she could’ve known about that.

“Okay I have a question. I have a lot actually but I think if you answer them I’m gonna get up and run out of here,” I joked.

“Number one is my middle name Natalia because of your SHIELD buddy? Like it might just be a coincidence but it could also be a godmother typa situation or something,”

It was a running theory. She would’ve known my mom before I was born. And if what I was told is true they’d be pretty close too and Natasha translates back to Natalia and I know she’s Russian. It makes sense.

Ooh

Mother, should I build the wall?

“Uh… there’s this boy,”

When was there not? It seems like there was always someone in my life. Carmen in therapist mode said it’s because I put my self worth into my relationship status.

“He’s really nice. Like really really nice. Nicer than anybody I’ve ever been associated with. It’s just he’s like…” I didn't know how to put the next part into words. “He’s just too nice. Too nice for me at least. Like he’s such a good person and I’m just me,”

“And it’s I feel bad,” I sighed. I was getting myself too worked up over this. “Like I keep playing like a game of tug a war with him where I let him in and kick him out again it’s tiring. I don’t even do it on purpose. I feel like we could be something maybe. But I can’t let that happen. I won’t let that happen. It’s a self defense mechanism. At least I think.”

I do it with everyone. I shut them out before they can get it. The less people you let into your life the less people that can walk out.

It’s a bulletproof tactic. At least I used to think it was. Never realized people could get hurt including myself.

“I saw dad,” I informed myself? I guess I’m not sure how healthy it is to have a conversation with someone you know can’t respond and isn't listening. “Like two days ago actually I didn’t say anything I freaked out and ran away. It made me think though,”

Mother, should I run for president?

Made me think about how I’d done so well on my own. Well I’m not gonna take all the credit, most of it was Carmen keeping my ass in line. I haven’t talked to her in a while. I haven’t talked to anyone in a while.

”I found a small studio apartment in Queens. It was the cheapest one I could find. I’m just renting it like an Airbnb right now. I need to find a permanent place and a job,”

I couldn’t find a permanent place at my age unless I had full autonomy which leads me to my next topic.

“So I was thinking about getting emancipated which everything would’ve been a lot easier if you were here then we could just go to court for custody cause you’d win for sure.”

Mother, should I trust the government?

“I know you never got to know how corrupt SHIELD was but do they like keep tabs on everyone who does anything to them or related to them? Because like I did a little snooping and I know they had files for all the Avengers and other people like Kingpin.”

I knew I was going to have to do more than sit here and ask a dead person what to do but ranting to someone who couldn’t spill my secrets was a start.

“I was just wondering how deep it went or if they had hidden stuff on me,”

Mother, will they put me in the firing line?

It’s probably common knowledge that if you mess with the government they’ll mess back. I’d like to think they were like bees. You leave them alone they’ll leave you alone. Only stinging when provoked.

But every branch of the government is like a wasp. They don’t die if they sting and they’ll sting you for no reason at all. They just like to see people in pain.

And I’m sure the energy research branch of SHIELD would probably be more than interested in a walking fire bomb that can move things without touching them.

I mean I’m not going to stop poking things around until I figure out what’s wrong with me. So might as well not complain.

“So I don’t have many things figured out right now and the whole you and SHIELD thing only confused me more so if you could just like come tell me what to do just this once that’d be great,” I laughed.

At first I was contemplating if this was weird or not but hearing me say that I now know this is pathetic. It always has been.

Ooh

Is it just a waste of time?

But I didn’t know if I should keep searching. Maybe I should just pretend like I’d never gotten introduced to the world of powers or mutations at all. For all I know Peter, Carmen, Felicia, Wade and I are just normal people who do normal people stuff.

Sure I wanted answers but I didn’t want to end up like those people who spend their whole life searching for an answer they won’t find any and end up never living at all.

Like a quote my mom used to say all the time “The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all,”

She really just used it so she didn’t have to listen to being put on bed rest but it obviously had a deeper meaning and she knew that.

I keep finding myself stuck on that phrase. That and the whole when the dust settles poem.

I’ve been in a very poetic mood lately. I think it’s funny how anything could be considered poetry and something you relate too.

Like Twitter or any other social media and the ongoing gag of people feeling the need to announce the fact that they’re making moves in silence.

But that’s what I’m doing, making moves in silence. If anyone is in my business now I’m politely asking you to remove yourself from it before I make you.

“Uh I don’t know if I should even tell you this cause you died before it was even a problem in the first place but…” I blew out a breath digging my feet deeper into the ground.

“I’ve been clean for like two weeks now. Which is actually a thing I’m pretty proud of right now.”

I’d stopped using everything except weed, nicotine because those weren’t drugs and even then I used it way less than before. Oh, and my antidepressants too but that’s obviously okay they’re prescribed.

I hated the word clean made me seem like an addict which I wasn’t. I’m many things but I wasn’t an addict. I just didn’t know of any other words to use.

I wasn’t an addict but I’d say the lines between recreational use and dependency were blurring just a bit. I had gotten it straight though. I’m good now. The antidepressants are helping.

Hush now baby, baby, don't you cry

“You have a superpower of just making people feel better immediately. I don’t know if it was the fact you were my mom or what but if you even just put a bandaid on a stab wound it’d probably stop hurting and disappear,”

I wasn’t even exaggerating there was this one time I got hurt at the zoo and she just kissed it and I forgot about the fact that I even fell.

I’m not sure how true that is though because I couldn’t actually recall the memory I was just told about it by my mom a few years after it happened. So I guess I remember not remembering then being reminded. Weird.

“I wanna see the giraffes!” Aaliyah cried, stomping her feet down on the concrete.

This was one of the only times mom didn’t have to work on the weekends and Liyah had to have her way like always.

“Mom!” I screamed “Tell her you said we could see the lions first,”

She just sighed. “Well since she’s the youngest do you think you could be nice and let her go first please?”

“Fine,” I huffed. I wasn’t doing it for Liyah, I was doing it for mom. Even a blind person could see how tired she’d been lately.

Liyah laughed at me sticking her tongue out. She’s such a brat.

“You’re so dumb.” I rolled my eyes at her.

“I know you are but what am I ?” She teased hitting my shoulder before running away.

I took off after her. She may have been fast but I knew I could catch up to her.

I almost had her when my foot got caught on something. It launched me towards the ground and I put my hands down to catch myself but I still hit my knee.

I slid on the concrete scuffing my leg. I didn’t scream because that would make me weak and it didn't hurt that bad. I just bit my lip and stood up.

I didn’t want to limp but it hurt too much to put pressure on my leg.

Liyah had beat me back to mom and when I reached them she was already apologizing.

Fake.

She was just scared to get in trouble. I wasn’t gonna snitch on her anyways.

“Let me see it,” Mom asked, grabbing my arm, pulling me to sit down on a stonehenge.

She reached into her purse and pulled out a first aid kit. She always had everything in her purse. It was kinda like a super power. The black Marry Poppins.

She wiped the scrape with an alcohol wipe and I just barely hissed. It didn’t even really hurt anymore.

She placed a bandaid on it, smoothing her hands on top of it before placing a kiss there.

“There,” She wiped her hands on her thighs before standing up “All better?”

I nodded my head and we went off to see the giraffes because I’m nice like that.

“In case you were wondering, Aaliyah still always gets her way even now. I’d say she’s got me beat on the manipulation game honestly,”

It’s fine though I taught her everything she knows not everything I know. I could still get one over on her if needed.

Mama's gonna make all of your nightmares come true

“I found your pendant, the SHIELD one. Which I guess makes all of this real no matter how much I want it to be fake. I just want this to be a poorly written book where I wake up and the past five years were all a dream,”

God knows how much I meant that. Well maybe I didn’t mean it too much because some people I’ve met in the past five years are people I don’t think I could survive very long without. Even though I kinda exploded on everyone so maybe I’m gonna have to test my theory on how long I can really survive.

“Hey Doc,” I greeted pushing up the door of the restaurant.

“Hey sweetheart, how ya been?” He queried.

“I’ve been better,”

“I hear ya,” He nodded.

Once we were in the back of the restaurant aka his office. I pulled out the diamond. Doc knew everything about everyone and anything. He could also make a duplicate of anything you gave him.

“Whatcha got for me?” He asked, rubbing his hands together.

“This, I’m not sure what it is,”

I placed the bird pendant on the desk. I found it in a shoe box filled with my mom's stuff.

“I was wondering if you knew,”

He lifted it up to his eye to get a better view, His eyesight so bad that his glasses were practically a magnifying glass.

“It’s a crest, I don’t think I’ve seen this before it’s most likely from a government branch,” He placed it back down on his messy desk. “I can do some more extensive research for you if you’d like,”

“Yes, that’d be great,”

“Stop by again tomorrow and I’ll fill you

I wish I never went back to Doc’s place or found out about flash drive, Vulture, SHIELD, any of it. Just when I thought my life couldn’t get anymore fucked up the devil came out the woodworks and spit in my face.

Mama's gonna put all of her fears into you

“I remember all that testing they did after I agreed to do whatever Stark needed me to do sooo badly. I still don’t really know what he did- or he’s doing with all that DNA and other stuff he’d gotten from me,”

Aren’t the Avengers and by default Tony Stark products of SHIELD so wouldn't that mean whoever’s behind all of that could’ve been the one to tell Tony about the fire thing in the first place.

That had been the main thing about the whole Stark situation that I still couldn’t figure out. Someone needs to tell me how he found out and they better tell me now.

“There are multiple lacerations 1-2 inches lining the upper and lower abdomen,” The doctor lady announced to her assistant. Before moving her cold hand away from my side pushing my shirt back down.

Okay that’s chill nothing I haven’t had before.

“We’re gonna have to do another X-ray is that okay?” Her assistant asked. I wasn’t going to bother to learn their names. I was planning to stay that long anyways.

What’s the point? They’re just going to come back and say the machine is broken and then do another blood test.

“Yeah sure,”

I was led into a much bigger room than the last. There was much more machinery too.

I was strapped down to a cold blue cushioned table by leather straps. Straps weren’t really necessary, not like I was planning on lashing out and mauling anyone.

I closed my eyes when the flashes of the machine went off. Apparently I had fractured three of my ribs and bruised my sternum.

You’d think they’d let me go now but noooo they need more blood and then when they were done drawing blood.

They had to hook me up to a machine to monitor- I don’t even fucking know what they were monitoring.

I just know I had all the pads with wires on my temples and chest and everywhere else. It reminded me of that one time I had to do a sleep study.

Except they didn’t have holographs to read off and fancy probably government funded tech then. They sure as hell didn’t have all this whispering either. Or maybe they did and I was just unconscious.

Still I didn’t even want to actually be here and I was cold for once.

“How much long do we have here?” I groaned.

“Not much longer. We just have and MRI left,”

Yeah right. I was gonna be in here for the rest of my life

“I could probably go back there if I wanted answers,” I spoke quietly.

“But I don’t want the government in my business like that well at least just not more than they probably are already at least and the tests are so invasive,”

Mama's gonna keep you right here under her wing

That’s not the only invasive thing in my life. Or should I say was in my life? I don’t fucking care really.

My dad was somehow the strictest and the most lenient person ever. I think he just wanted control.

I used to blame his alcoholism for everything he did but no really he’s just a shitty person. A shitty person who likes to beat on women and take doors off the hinges.

“You are so pathetic!” My mom screamed at my dad.

They had been at this all night. For so long that I’m seriously contemplating jumping out of this small window right now.

Sapphire had no qualms sleeping on the cold tiles of the bathroom floor. Aaliyah and I however were still wide awake.

I’m not sure exactly what was going on in her head but I’m assuming we're still up for the same reason. To kill our dad if he even touches our mom.

I had a kitchen knife in hand as I sat on the bathroom sink. I always had a knife every time my dad started yelling a little too aggressively just in case but this time felt different. Like I was really prepared to stab him this time.

I didn’t know what it was but something felt off.

“Are they done?” Aaliyah asked, rubbing her eyes. The apartment had fallen silent.

“I don’t know. Stay here,” I hopped down off the sink.

I should’ve known she wasn’t gonna listen to me. The kitchen was empty which means they must’ve moved to their room.

The next moment was the sort straight out of a family sitcom except the family was falling apart and the kids were going crazy but otherwise it could’ve very well been an “oopsie” misunderstanding moment. Where the younger child asks “Are mommy and daddy getting a divorce?”

Then the oldest child pulls them into their body and whispers “I dunno kiddo,” or “No they’re just going through a rough patch,” anything like that.

Except it wasn’t that. That wasn’t what she said and that wasn’t what Aaliyah asked me.

God how I wish that was what she asked me.

I have a bad habit of acting before I think. I opened the door opening my mouth to let out the words in my brain.

“You’re dying? How are you dying?”

They both turned to look at me like they were just noticing they weren’t alone.

My mom sighed moving closer to me grabbing my arm.

“I’m- Im not no ones dying,”

The door creaked as Aaliyah pushed her way into the room.

“But you said ‘I need you to step up you need to know how to handle it when I’m dead’,” She paraphrased cleaning out the cuss words.

“It didn’t mean literally dying right now,”

Now I could see how this could be us just jumping to conclusions from like two sentences but she had been weird lately. Like she’s always traveled a lot and been secretive but lately she’s been extra secretive.

And I could tell the secret wasn’t to protect herself so whos to say it wasn’t the fact she was currently dying. It actually makes perfect sense.

I’m starting to wish I wasn’t always right. Stage 4 Lymphoma. Basically we should go coffin shopping pretty soon.

If only she wasn’t so selfish and would get treatment for it. She couldn’t leave me here by myself. Who’s gonna take care of us if she dies.

I’d thought about it before and I decided I’d take on the role of caregiver for my sisters but then it was only a what if situation.

Wade has cancer and he’s not dead but that’s only because he got pumped with like super drugs shit.

Now I just needed to find some super drugs and figure out how to get her to take them.

Fuck Cancer and fuck my dad. Why couldn’t he have gotten the diagnosis instead of my mom. A life for a life type beat.

I guess that wouldn’t have made for a good tragic backstory would it. And what fun is life without a tragic backstory.

My only question is when does the backstory end and when does the actual plot begin because clearly I’m not there yet. It’s only tragedy after tragedy.

Maybe that is my story, just pain and suffering. Someone has to be the butt of the joke.

She won't let you fly but she might let you sing

“You always told me to surround myself with people who you could block out the rest of the world with. Peter’s like that so was Olivia she was one of those people for me. When we weren’t yelling at each other or crying, I mean. Still wish you could’ve met her though,”

“AH YES!” I exclaimed, pumping my fist. “I found it,” I waved the joint in the air.

“Alright come sit down then,” Olivia laughed, patting the seat on the couch next to her.

“Shit,” I muttered. “Where’s the lighter?”

She just laughed at me again. Before reaching into my pocket and slipping it out. I couldn’t help but smile at how intimate that action felt for no reason at all.

I quickly and lightly pressed my lips to hers muttering a quick “thank you,”

About three minutes had passed and I could feel the weed taking course through my system.

My head was in her lap until I abruptly shot up gasping at the beginning of Super Rich Kids by Frank Ocean.

“Dance with me,” I pleaded it didn’t take much convincing because here we were twirling around. Although it was much more giggling than dancing.

I bumped my leg on the glass coffee table and immediately apologized making Liv and I laugh so hard I almost peed my pants.

I was laid out on the soft white fur rug with Olivia laying her chin on my chest. I ran my hands through her hair.

It was actually very easy there were no knots my fingers just glided smoothly through.

“I mean shit,” I breathed “I know I can’t run from the rest of the world forever but until then? Bitch you can call me Flash cause I’m zoomin’.”

She giggled at that before speaking up.

“You don’t have to run you can just stay here with me forever,”

Her words were so genuine it made me want to cry. She basically just said “I love you” in more or less words.

“You know what? I think I might,”

She gave me a tired smile, turning her head to place a kiss on the top of my breast.

I smiled back at her and how adorable she looked right now. I just want to kiss her for the rest of forever.

When I glanced back down at her I could hear her breathing slow and her eyes had fluttered shut. She was asleep.

I felt all warm and fuzzy and at peace and I couldn’t tell if it was the weed or if it was just being in Olivia’s presence.

I wasn’t ready to say these words to her when she was conscious yet maybe I’d never be ready but I’d say them now. Just to get them off my chest.

“I love you,” I whispered.

I never really felt comfortable saying that to anyone. Probably a result of not hearing it enough as a child or something. My family’s never been affectionate anyway. That’s fine because I wasn’t my family, I was my own person.

Stroking her hair gently before drifting off to the land of dreams myself.

So much for forever huh?

It’s funny to think how I took times like that for granted if only I knew those were some of the only moments of normalcy I’d get for a while. I’d spent too much time thinking about what could’ve been with almost everything.

So much so that I didn’t take much time to actually be. Now I feel like I’ve made it to the point of no return. Not mentally but like with everyone else around me. I think I pushed people too far away this time. Not so sure I could get them back.

“Uh I can't really remember what I’ve already told you so I’ll run through it all. This vigilante or superhero Spiderman started doing his thing then I got caught up in his mess.” That was most definitely an oversimplification but what do I look like telling my mom I was a well known thief. “Then his relation to Tony Stark got extended to me so now I kinda do stuff for him but I don’t work for him.”

I don't work for him he might think I do, but in reality he works for me. I had almost everyone at the compound wrapped around my finger.

“I don’t think I really wanna work for anyone. I was offered to be an Avenger in training but that isn’t really my style. I will use his gym though.” I rambled on.

It was kinda weird how easy it was to rant to my mom like this because not like she could voice her opinions about anything. I guess I hadn’t visited in so long that I forgot what it was like.

Mama's gonna keep baby cosy and warm

“Oh!” I exclaimed remembering a very important factor that I left out. “Then we have the whole Staten Island fiasco that I told you about. I remember telling you that. I’m still searching for answers on how I did that too,”

Like some real answers not that radiation BS.

“Your phone’s broken,” I pointed out the cracked screen sitting on the wood.

“Oh shit!” Peter cried “May’s gonna kill me this is the second phone I’ve broken this month,”

I came off way calmer than I was feeling. I’m surprised I wasn’t running around screaming right about now. I was probably just paralyzed in fear.

How do you react in a situation like this in the first place.

“Okay how long are we going to be sitting here? What are we waiting on?” We’d be up here looking down at the fire crackling underneath the pier for like 15 minutes now.

“I don’t know actually,” He sighed.

“Uh…”

How was I supposed to respond to that? That was the driest response to anything in the history of the world.

“Well since I’ve already pinky promised I won’t spill your secret can I ask some questions while we wait for you to figure it out?”

“Sure, go ahead,” He nodded, shaking his arms.

“Okay number one did you think I had died or something because if someone burst into flames in front of me I’d probably think Satan was coming for me. I’d cry too,” I laughed but had to stop myself as the stabbing in my ribs ran through me.

“No, I didn’t think you were dead, you had a pulse,” He pointed out “Maybe I could’ve thought you were dying though. And I wasn’t crying,”

Liar. He so was crying.

“Aw you don’t have to lie I think it’s cute,” I teased if I didn’t feel like my body was falling apart I might’ve poked his side.

“Alright, second question: do the webs like come out of you? Cause that’s kinda disgusting,”

“No, I make them with chemicals ‘n stuff. I’d explain the science to you but I’m not sure how much you’d care.”

I let out a small laugh knowing what feeling would come if I laughed too hard.

“I mean you could explain it ‘m just not sure how much of it I’d understand,”

We both laughed at that.

“On the topic of the webs what’s there integrity like how well do they hold up or like how long,”

“Uh…” He blew out a breath running his hands over his face “As far as I know they last up to two hours. That is unless someone cuts them or something,”

I couldn’t help but wonder if Thorn was one of those someone’s to cut the webs maybe I was the only someone. I didn’t really need to ask the question. Aaron had already answered the question for me when he told me about the deal at the ferry. I just wanted to see what Peter would tell me honestly.

I spent the rest of the night asking questions and cracking jokes. I was talking for so long I didn’t realize how late it’s gotten.

It should be a world record how fast I managed to fuck up 5 friendships. Well it’s my personal best at least. Only took like 4 minutes.

I feel like that’s all I do is just fuck up everything. I used to believe there was a difference between being fucked up and being a fuckup but the older I get the more I realize that there isn’t.

It’s like someone built a self destruct button in my head and every time something good happens to me I feel the need to run away.

Like Peter he’s literally perfect he's smart, respectful, adorable, and selfless. He’s literally a fucking superhero for godsake.

I was trying so hard not to fall asleep. I really was but all the Trigonometry chapter was doing was mixing with the sound of rain outside and triggering the urge to fall into a deep sleep.

“Okay,” Peter tapped his textbook with his pen. I wish I could be confident enough to do math with a pen.

“So sin is equal to the opposite of whatever angle you’re trying to find so first you have too…”

He droned on, I knew he was talking about the math problem lying on the bed in front of me but I wasn’t listening. Maybe if I sat at the desk I could actually be paying attention right now.

“Y/N?”

“Hmm?” I sat up on my elbows yawning.

“Are you tired?”

I just hummed again. Until I realized what the question was. I reached for my phone and it was already 9:03 that woke me up for sure.

“Oh shit! I gotta get back,”

Not like I’d get in trouble or anything but Carmen would get on my ass about the fact I didn’t come back when I said I would then she’d make something out of nothing.

I scrambled around trying to find all my things to put them back in my bag.

“Wait it’s raining though,” Peter pointed out.

“Yeah,” I chuckled “It’s New York it’s always raining,”

“Yeah but it’s cold and wet and dark so if you tried to skate you’d probably get hurt,”

I knew what he was doing and it was working because frankly all his excuses were shit because one I don’t get cold and two I could just walk and there are lights everywhere but I was gonna stay anyway. I was too tired to argue right now.

“May!” Peter shouted.

“Yes?” She called back.

“Can Y/N stay for the night?”

“Yeah if her parents are okay with it,”

That’s how I ended up wearing some shirt with some dumb science pun sitting on the couch watching Aladdin for like the millionth time ever. I was singing along to One jump ahead when I felt eyes on me.

I turned my head but before I could make eye contact with Peter he acted as if he was watching the movie the whole time.

“What?” I giggled. Fuck, I hadn’t like genuinely giggled in the longest time.

“Nothing,” He replied, turning back towards the TV again.

This time I was the one to stare at him wondering what was going on in his head. Not even the fourth song in and I was already yawning struggling to keep my head up.

This goes to show how much willpower I had because I couldn’t even stop my eyelids from falling shut. I deserved to sleep though I’d been exhausted lately.

There’s only like 6 people on this planet that I trust enough to fall asleep around and surprisingly Peter had become one with like 5 months of knowing me.

I would still trust him if given the chance I’m just not sure how much he trusts me right now. I understand though. I don’t deserve anyone’s trust.

Taglist:

@tomdiddlyumptious

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shoutogepi · 4 years

Note

not a thirsty question sorry babe but how do u think best boi shouto would be in love?

fjsjxhsaahaaaaa no worries bb i don’t just take nsfw only thirsts~ sometimes more like all the time i think abt how sweet bf lovebug shouto would be and of course i can elaborate ;)

— - — - — - — - —

shouto in love ❤️ (mini hc’s)

love ?? let’s get this straight... shouto got no damn cLUE what that is. of course he feels love for his mother and his siblings and friends, but since he never rly got to experience a romantic love between his parents, poor baby boy is helpless when it comes to romancing.

honestly he probably has 0 interest in love, being in love, rly anything to do with the dreaded 4 letter word— he just does not want any part of it. so when he finallyyyy finds that special someone (~≖‿≖)~ he’ll go through a few emotions.

right off the bat is CONFUSION. how come his heartbeat quickens when he sees you? why does that nice thing catch his eye in the store window he passes on patrol, and why does he wonder if you would smile if he gave it to you? how come he finds himself thinking about you when he’s falling asleep at night, and why is it that when he wakes up the next morning with a spare pillow in his arms, he wishes it was you?

after consulting his friends cough cough midoriya, he comes to learn the horrifying news. he has feelings ?? romantic, non-platonic feelings ????? next emotion to the stage, please— DENIAL, THATS YOUR CUE.

baby boy tries to fight it. ohhhh he tries soooo hard. first of all, he’s freaking out internally bc he’s never felt this way before (i know can u say cheeeeeeese). and he doesn’t wanna chance freaking you out either, so for awhile, he’s content to keep those lovey dovey thoughts to himself and just enjoy your friendship. he tells himself he’s fine with just being friends, and he really almost convinces himself!!

but at some point, inevitably, he reaches his limit. ACCEPTANCE, and then realization. he’s gotta make his move, he has to know if you feel the same because goddamn it you’ve got him wrapped around your finger and he wouldn’t have it any other way. & yeah he might face heinous villains every day for his job but shit if this isn’t the scariest thing he’s ever done...

obviously you feel the same way. so you start dating!!! shouto is so over the moon. it’s a little strange to see this usually calm and collected man so outrightly chipper, but you’re not gonna complain. this baby boy is sO saccharine sweet to you. pls don’t take him for granted.

just a few months in and he knows he’s in love. love love, okay? not some kindergarten fantasy kinda love. and boy does he prove it to you. in general, he’s not naturally the best with words, so he tends to show his love through lots of little actions...

even tho he has a demanding career he makes time for you. you make time for the ones you care about, after all! you two have at least one date night a week, no matter what, when no work talk is allowed. you guys don’t even have to go somewhere super nice, or even somewhere at all. all he wants is to spend a few uninterrupted hours with his favorite person. take that how you wanna hkdkdhsbsaAAA

if he has to go to work before you, he leaves a fresh pot of coffee/tea brewed for you to start the day on the right note. then he’ll leave little sticky notes for you on the bathroom mirror or on your keys. even if it’s a reminder about a doctor appointment or replenishing your dish soap or something else mundane, he always signs it with “i love you” at the bottom. sometimes he’ll leave a little heart or a really shitty, tiny drawing of your fav animal or somethin too. he hopes it makes you smile.

baby is so observant. he will take mental notes like there’s a tiny little deku in his head, furiously scribbling down everything that he can about you so he can make you happy, or make your life just a tiny bit easier. example: if you say you have bad cramps the few mornings before your period he will make sure to adjust his schedule every month, opting to stay in bed tangled up with you, easing your pain away with the gentle caress from his palm on his hot side.

he’s also very in tune to your mood. you don’t even have to speak for him to know that something is wrong, and he won’t pressure you to talk if you don’t want to. sweetheart will offer to draw you a bath or give you a massage, and if you accept, you best bet he sets up the room with candles and quiet, soothing music. anything to help his baby relax. he’ll leave you alone if that’s what you want, but when you’re ready to talk about it, he’ll wrap his strong arms around you and hold you close. very great listener right here. rating 12/10. he wants you to know that you can tell him anything, and be fearless of judgement bc you’re not gonna get any from him.

lastly if you have a hobby that he can partake in, he’ll dive in head first (with your blessing of course). like if you love to paint, surprise!!! baby bought you a new set of paints and brushes and canvases, and two easels, and he wants to convert the spare room into a studio for you! oh what’s that— you like video games?? he does his research and finds a two player game right up your alley, so you can sit in his lap and play all night together! this man does not concern himself with price tags, he’ll buy you the whole console and extra controllers in you fav custom colors too. oh wait wait wait you like photography?? surprise baby here’s the latest camera and five new lenses! did you want these other ten as well, he wasn’t sure which you’d like best? he got himself a matching camera too, and wants to plan a little photo shoot with you for this weekend. he can buy a laptop and editing software if you need that, too. anything for you, he’s game.

bf shouto just wants to make his love happy, and feel supported and secure with him more than anything. because if he’s really in love with you, then you treat him right too... and he’s just trying his best to treat you with the affections you deserve as best he can with his demanding hero work. sho will move the fuckin moon and all the stars for you. please cherish this soft boi :’)

#hahah no i dont imagine this on the daily and lol of course i dont want this so bad it hurts #idk what u mean pfffft #thirst #yes its thirst can u not see how thirsty i am for shoutos LOVE ugH #thirst shouto

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chocolatte-and-despair · 4 years

Note

Got any friendship platonic yan Tale, Fell, Swap, Swapfell, Fellswap and Storyshift Asriel, Chara, Frisk and MK?

YANDERE UNDERTALE CHARA AS A FRIEND: ~ Chara is a very fussy person. She is always angry and shows no sign of actually liking you, but she actually is very attached to you. If you would ever get angry with her, she would probably apologize and ask you to keep being friends with her.

~She is the first one to kill anyone that bullies you. You are her friend and she is the only one who can make fun of you. Anyone else who tries will end up dying a mysterious and painful death.

~ “Listen to me, alright? You are my friend and I’ll protect you! So, if anyone is making fun of you, just tell me and I’ll teach them what happens when you make fun of my friends”

~Chara is very possessive and will make sure that everyone knows that you are her friend, that is why the chance of you actually finding a lover is pretty low.

~ “Why are you sad? Lovers are shitty anyway. Friendships are much better, and last longer!”

YANDERE UNDERTALE ASRIEL AS A FRIEND:

~Asriel would spend most of his time with you, always following after you if you would be busy with something. He just doesn’t want to leave you, because he doesn’t feel good when you are not around him. You are the only fun and interesting person, except for Chara.

~He would invite you to hang out with him and Chara quite a lot and he would probably ask you to sleepover at his place quite a bit because he doesn’t want to be far from you.

~ “Come on, pleaseee! It’s going to be fun, I promise!! I got a few new video games, we can play them!”

~Because his older sister is quite dangerous, whenever you would tell him someone is annoying you or is bullying you, he will make sure to tell Chara, so she could take care of it.

~ “Don’t worry anymore! Now, do you want to grab that nice cream or not?”

YANDERE UNDERTALE FRISK AS A FRIEND:

~A quite yet kid person, Frisk actually is pretty selfish. Every single time you would start to stray from her, she would reset to try again. If you ever find a lover, she would reset and kill that person, so you wouldn’t ever think of leaving her behind.

~Frisk would keep doing that over and over again, without any regard for anyone. It’s no wonder that Sans actually hates her and most humans. He just doesn’t trust them anymore and for good reasons.

~ “Hey, let’s get something tasty together, okay?”

~If she sees that killing people isn’t going to help, she will start spreading nasty rumors about you, before only she would be around you, and you would have no choice but stay with her.

~ “Don’t worry, I won’t ever leave you! I’m your best friend, am I not?”

YANDERE UNDERTALE MONSTER KID AS A FRIEND:

~No matter where you are, Mickey is always there. He always finds where you are, and will always approach you to be with you. The reason? Because he is a complete and utter stalker. He had been using his skills on Undyne before, but now that he has such a great friend like yourself, why would he ever need Undyne?

~Mickey is also your biggest fan! He knows absolutely everything about you. Even things that only you know. That is, again, because he is a stalker, and managed to get a lot of information from other people about you. He knows that’s not really good, but he really wants to be your best friend!

~ “Oh, don’t worry bestie! I already got you this! I just thought you would like this!!”

~No matter what you would do, you just can’t get rid of Mickey. And if you ever ask help from someone else, they will just not believe you because Mickey just seems such a good person. Besides, he doesn’t have legs, and his magic is pretty weak. What could he ever do to you?

~ “Maaan! You sure are fast! Okay, let’s not play tag anymore, okay? I hurt myself while running! You know I’m clumsy, you meanie!!”

YANDERE UNDERFELL CHARA AS A FRIEND:

~Dessy is actually a very good friend, as hard as it might be to believe it. Unlike with a lover, Dessy really appreciates friends. Not many people want to be friends with her, so you wanting to befriend her would mean the world to her.

~She would spend a lot of time with you and would use her connections to make your life at least a little bit easier. She would also try her best to make you understand that the rumors about her are only for lovers and not her friends.

~ “Thank you for being my friend. I was tired of just being friends with the dogs...”

~If you both are underground, Dessy will make sure that all the bad things you will do will be hidden, so no one else would know about it.

~ “Hey, don’t worry about it, okay? It’s just a secret between us two! To make our friendship stronger, alright?”

YANDERE UNDERFELL ASRIEL AS A FRIEND:

~The moment you two become friends, Tuscan would introduce you to his older sister, Dessy. There are two reasons why he would do that. One is that he wants Dessy to know that you are off-limits for killing, and second, he wants you to understand how great she actually is so you could help him fight the rumors that are spread about her. He really is obsessed with his older sister, and now he is obsessed with you too.

~You and Dessy are his dearest people, and he will make sure that everyone knows that if they mess with you, he will kill them in the most painful way possible and Dessy will eat their dead carcass/pile of dust.

~ “Don’t worry. No one will make fun of you and get to get out alive, you hear me?”

~If you start to stray from him, chances are that he will get his sister to kidnap you and keep you in their basement. He just knows that with them both you will be safe. Just please ignore your cellmate. That’s Dessy’s meal.

~ “Stop struggling! This is for the best! The sooner you realize this, the better it will be!”

YANDERE UNDERFELL FRISK AS A FRIEND:

~Fawn would probably always complain about monsters to you. Saying how disgusting they are and that they should return from where they came, saying that she hated how they were now alive.

~If you are a monster too, she would tell you that you are lucky you are her friend, or else she would kill you from how disgusting you actually are and look.

~ “Only reason you are still alive, monster, is because you are needed”

~Even with her cruel words, she will probably not kill you, but instead, keep you as her pet in Dessy’s basement, where she lives. Do ignore the other two residents there. One is Dessy’s meal and the other is Tuscan’s friend.

~ “Behave or you’ll be the next meal of my caretaker over there!”

YANDERE UNDERFELL MONSTER KID AS A FRIEND:

~Penny would probably be a little bit unsure about being friends with you. You see, she’s friends with Fawn, and she’s not sure if the girl would actually spare you or not. But outside of that, Penny would be very controlling of your life.

~Penny would want to know everything about your life and what you are doing. She needs to know or else she will drive herself insane. If you won’t follow the rules she gives you, she will need to ask Fawn to hurt you.

~ “You are my friend, but if you don’t follow the rules, I’ll tell Fawn, and she will happily hurt you...”

~Penny will soon start filtering who you can talk with, who you can be friends with and anyone she doesn’t approve of will be killed off by Fawn.

~ “I told you to stop being friends with them. It’s your fault they died. Stop crying”

YANDERE UNDERSWAP CHARA AS A FRIEND:

~Cinnamon was such a sweetheart, wasn’t she? The best friend you could ever have, but why were all your other friends dying? Well, of course, because Cinnamon wasn’t as good as she liked to fake being.

~Like Frisk, Cinnamon was cruel and selfish, but she hid it behind a smile and a cheerful facade. It was always her who would start the genocide runs and not Buttercup.

~ “Well, I’m not going anywhere! Don’t worry!”

~She will threaten people to leave you alone and get Stretch and Lucky to do the dirty work for her too, in case someone is too strong for her alone.

~ “Don’t worry! Things will be better now, I promise!”

YANDERE UNDERSWAP ASRIEL AS A FRIEND:

~Tawny was honestly a funny guy. And he wasn’t bad at all at the beginning. Just a guy with big dreams and a wish for his parents to stop fighting and get back together. The fact that he was of the same monster species as the king and queen also would get things pretty confusing!

~Tawny would start to change when he would notice you straying away from him. He was the best friend you could ever want, why where you left him? No, don’t go, please. He’s alone without you...

~ “I promise I’ll be better! Please don’t go away...”

~Tawny would be desperate and he would probably kidnap you. He never did something like this, so he was afraid. Afraid of ruining your friendship completely.

~ “I-I promise to let you go, but for now, you need to stop screaming!”

YANDERE UNDERSWAP FRISK AS A FRIEND:

~Buttercup was quiet but a good friend. She always made sure to help you and stood up to you when you would be bullied. In general, she was the best friend you could ever have.

~Because of her ghostly form, she would probably make it a habit to follow you around, and making sure that no one is hurting you. She would never kill someone, but she can always scare them away from you.

~ “Oh? They stopped harassing you? That’s great, isn’t it?”

~ She is one of the better people to be friends with because she actually is a true pacifist, so even as a yandere, she would never kill anyone and would make sure to keep you safe and happy.

~ “You’re the greatest, you know that?”

YANDERE UNDERSWAP MONSTER KID AS A FRIEND:

~Cantaloupe is a serious person, but also very gentle when you get to know him. He rarely ever goes out anywhere, so he is very thankful to have you as his friend.

~His favorite thing to do would always spoil you in riches as much as possible. He knew that buying things for others wasn’t going to gain him true friendship but he felt like you actually wanted to be friends with him.

~ “Hey... heard you wanted this... Here you go”

~Cantaloupe would probably scare most of the other people away from you, as he was the heir and no one wanted to mess with someone related to the heir.

~ “I’m sorry... I didn’t mean to make you have no other friends... Want to play with me?”

YANDERE SWAPFELL CHARA AS A FRIEND:

~Pitch is the most cheerful and kind person that you will ever find. He’s absolutely great, and there is no way around it. But the problem is that he doesn’t realize when he is hurting people. Because of that, Pitch doesn’t have any other friends outside of you and Mutt, who doesn’t usually mind being hurt, and tells him when he is doing something bad.

~Pitch would probably invite you to hang out with him and Mutt all the time, having a lot of sleepovers and in general, having a lot of fun together.

~ “Man, I’m so glad you two are my friends! You are the greatest!”

~Sadly... Pitch gets jealous very easily. If he sees you talking with someone else, he is more than likely going to accidentally snap the necks of the person, not being able to believe that someone dared to take your time away from him!

~ “How rude! Anyways, wanna hang with me and Mutt?”

YANDERE SWAPFELL ASRIEL AS A FRIEND:

~Cobalt is a very collected and quiet young man. Because of that, he is usually seen as very boring, so not many people are around him. But he is very strong, so with him, you will always be protected from anyone who might try to get free exp from you.

~Cobalt will probably follow you around, quietly, and without asking for your permission, all the time whenever he is not busy with his work. And when he is busy, he does track you with his magic.

~ “... Don’t go to Waterfalls... It’s dangerous there”

~Cobalt tries to not kill people, but he does hurt them very badly if they try to hurt you too. But he’ll mostly do it so you don’t see it. He doesn’t want you to think badly of him.

~ “... Are you okay?”

YANDERE SWAPFELL FRISK AS A FRIEND:

~Chartreuse was... well, he is very controlling. You are his, no matter if you are just his friend, enemy, or lover. The moment you get to know him, you are naturally his property.

~His position as the next king really has gotten to his head, as he doesn’t care about what you want or how you feel about him controlling so much of your life.

~ “I’m the prince and future ruler of the monster race. Do not defy me, or you will be executed”

~He will get everyone you know executed almost immediately after befriending you and then moving you to the castle, where he knows how you are all the time.

~ “From this day on, you are my property. Do not defy my word or you will die like everyone you knew”

YANDERE SWAPFELL MONSTER KID AS A FRIEND:

~Peacock wasn’t always so bad, but because of her older brother, she has learned that the only way to get what she wanted was by following a sort of rule sets that she had put for herself. She learned that only by acting better than everyone else would she become better than everyone else.

~The reason why Peacock liked you so much was that you dared to defy her word, unlike everyone else. That made her be freer around you and actually start to enjoy her time with someone.

~ “I’m glad I know you”

~Like Chartreuse, she would use her status to get people executed, but only when she would see that they were taking too much of your time, or telling you to stay away from her.

~ “Do not listen to those traitors!... Or you will be executed too...”

YANDERE FELLSWAP CHARA AS A FRIEND:

~Mohagany is a very strong person. Fighting through a lot of trials, she doesn’t let people stomp on her. And because you are her friend, she doesn’t let people stomp on you too.

~Mohagany has the strongest justice sense you could ever think. She will always make sure that people around her protected, especially you. That’s why she is quick to get into fights.

~ “Don’t you EVER harass my friend again, you hear me?!”

~Mohagany is actually in an on and off relationship with Patch, that’s why he will often be around you two. But if you would ever be interested in Patch, she would happily give him up for you.

~ “Hey, if he can make you happy, then take him. I want you to be happy, okay?”

YANDERE FELLSWAP ASRIEL AS A FRIEND:

~Flaxen was always bored with everything. Everything WAS boring, so why wouldn’t be bored? Well, everything was boring except for you. You were the only high light of his day.

~Flaxen is very possessive of you, not wanting someone else to take you away from him, so he would usually make you follow him around, or stay in his house until he would be around you.

~ “Unless you want to get killed, you will follow what I tell you”

~Flaxen will try to make sure that you are comfortable every single time you are with him. You make his days better, so he wants to make sure that your days are good too.

~ “I’ll keep you safe, alright? Just trust me”

YANDERE FELLSWAP FRISK AS A FRIEND:

~Canary’s whole existence is to help people. She loves helping people and she will keep helping everyone, especially you. It’s what makes her feel like she can live again.

~Canary sadly would be a very clingy person. She would always be stuck to you like glue, be it in her visible or spirit form, just watching you no matter what, not being able to get enough of you.

~ “Oh, don’t mind me! I’m just watching you! Always”

~Canary doesn’t hurt anyone but she can easily start begging you to stop talking with other people because you are killing her.

~ “Please, stop! I’m all you need, don’t do this to me!”

YANDERE FELLSWAP MONSTER KID AS A FRIEND:

~Jaded always was afraid of everything. No matter what it was, she couldn’t do anything without feeling like she was afraid of it. That was until you came around and finally made her feel comfortable. She was happy and didn’t want to let you go.

~Jaded would immediately force you into moving into the castle with her, so the two of you could always be together. She offered to take in your family too if you wanted.

~ “Don’t worry, everything was going to be great now!”

~Jaded would never let you leave her sight, otherwise, she would start getting fussy about it. You were here because of her, and she wasn’t going to let you leave anywhere.

~ “Stop trying to sneak away! It’s very rude”

YANDERE STORYSHIFT CHARA AS A FRIEND:

~Toffee would be a flirty friend. She would always be around you, touching you and flirting with you, but don’t worry, she is just joking.

~If you do not contact her in a few days, she gets very panicked and she might try to come and find you, too afraid to find out if something happened to you or not.

~ “Don’t worry me like this! I thought you died or something!”

~Toffee would probably try to get you and Plum together. She wanted to have both of her favorite people in one place, so why not make you two date?

~ “Come onnnn! My bro’s totally your type. He’s everyone’s type!”

YANDERE STORYSHIFT ASRIEL AS A FRIEND:

~From the moment that you become his friend, Plum would be very possessive of you and would make sure that you are always taking good care of yourself. If he catches you not taking care of yourself... Well, you can say goodbye to your freedom. If you can’t take care of yourself, he will take care of you instead.

~Every single day, he will arrive at your house and prepare you breakfast, make sure that you clean yourself, and would make sure that your house is squicky clean. He has a slob for a sister, so he can’t stand messy homes.

~ “You better take care of yourself, or else!”

~He will probably try to get you with his older sister. You are someone very important for him, and Toffee needs to finally settle down and have someone good for her, so why not you?

~ “Toffee is really perfect, I’m sure you both will get along. Please, at least go on one date with her?”

YANDERE STORYSHIFT FRISK AS A FRIEND:

~Pebble is similar to Frisk, but unlike Frisk, she doesn’t use the reset button after she promises that she will never use it again. The only reason she might use it would be if you would end up dying, but again, she would ask Toffee for permission beforehand, as she does have a slight crush on the woman.

~Pebble is a very sweet friend and has a great sense of humor. Every day with her is just filled with lots of fun and laughter.

~ “I’m so happy you are my friend! Let’s never stray away, okay?

~Pebble is very clingy, and she has stalkerish tendencies. The chance of her following you around is huge because she couldn’t really imagine how her life would be without knowing your every move.

~ “I’m so happy you are so understanding of my problem!... You are understanding, right?”

YANDERE STORYSHIFT MONSTER KID AS A FRIEND:

~Moss and you probably knew each other because you both lived in Snowdin for a long time. You could even say that you two were childhood friends, so you knew very well about his... staring tendencies.

~No matter what, he is always watching you. Staring at you and never breaking eye contact even when you catch him watching you.

~ “... Hi...?”

~Moss barely speaks, and because of that, he can come off as someone very creepy. A lot of people avoid him because of that.

~ “... Do you want to take a walk with me...?”

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ibijau · 4 years

Text

Worst engagement AU // on AO3

Lan Wangji gives friendship another try, and Lan Xichen has a pretty shitty day

warning for infidelity :D part of this chapter had been posted wayyyyy back (in fact, it was the very first thing I posted for this AU!) but it’s been touched up a lot

It is rare, this year, to find Nie Huaisang alone. So when Lan Wangji, one afternoon, sees the other boy walking alone in a garden with a stack of papers under his arm, he takes his chance and greets him.

"Lan gongzi! I was thinking you'd taken a dislike to me," Nie Huaisang replies with a half smile. "May I help you with something?"

A certain guilt makes its way in Lan Wangji's chest. He hasn't meant to avoid Nie Huaisang. If anything, he has wanted to check on the other boy for those past three months, at once still worried about his break down at the end of the previous year and quite stunned by the changes since his return. And he knows, of course, that Nie Huaisang would not have been opposed to a conversation, since the other boy often smiles at him when their eyes meet.

Lan Wangji would have been happy to pursue the budding friendship they started last year, but Nie Huaisang’s entourage made it difficult. It is good that Nie Huaisang is not so alone this year, but did he really need to be friends with Wei Wuxian, who is the most irritating, and annoying, and clever, and gorgeous, and disrespectful person Lan Wangji has ever met?

"I was wondering if Nie gongzi would like to have tea."

"Really? I'd love that!" Nie Huaisang exclaims with a large smile that quickly dims a little. "Ah, sorry, that was probably too loud. I've gotten bad habits with the others, but don't worry Lan gongzi, I can still be quiet as well. When would you like to do that?"

At the moment, Wei Wuxian is being punished for fighting with Jin Zixuan, while Jiang Wanyin is dutifully waiting for his father's arrival. Lan Wangji cannot be certain he'll get such a chance again. If he allows for this moment to pass, maybe when Nie Huaisang comes to have tea with him, Wei Wuxian will try to tag along. It would be absolutely awful. Lan Wangji doesn't want to have Wei Wuxian in his house, ever.

"If Nie gongzi is free now, I am as well."

The older boy considers that for a moment.

"I had plans for later, but nothing too important. It’s fine if I miss out on that or if I’m late, especially if it’s to have some time with Lan gongzi. Let me just go drop those in my cabin," Nie Huaisang requests, patting his pile of papers.

"Homework?"

Nie Huaisang grimaces at the very idea.

"No, I have been painting a bit. I'll just drop them and…"

"I would like to see them," Lan Wangji cuts him. "Bring them."

"Really ? Well, if Lan gongzi insists…"

Lan Wangji nods, and Nie Huaisang easily gives in. With this matter settled, the two of them head toward the house Lan Wangji shares with his brother and uncle. When they reach the door, Nie Huaisang hesitates, his easy smile faltering a bit.

"Is your brother likely to be there?"

"Brother is helping Uncle deal with sect business, since Uncle is expecting visitors. Neither of them are likely to come."

Nie Huaisang instantly relaxes at the news, which isn't a surprise. Lan Xichen has been complaining a great deal about the time he is forced to spend with Nie Huaisang, and how unpleasant it always is. Lan Wangji imagines the feeling is shared. It seems odd to him, because both his brother and Nie Huaisang are fine people with personalities mild enough that they’re easy to get along with. Still, if they’ve decided they can’t bear each other’s presence, it’s their problem, and he’s not getting involved in that.

That's why rather than to stay in the main room, as would probably be more proper, Lan Wangji prepares tea and then takes the other boy to his bedroom. That way, if Lan Xichen comes home, Nie Huaisang is less likely to have to deal with him. It also means that Nie Huaisang gets to see the painting he gifted Lan Wangji hanging on the wall.

He looks absolutely stunned to see it there.

"So you really displayed it?" he mumbles. "I thought your brother was poking fun at me because it's such a bad painting. I should have known better, it’s not like he has a sense of humour. Still, to put something so bad on the wall like this..."

"I like it," Lan Wangji protests. "Brother too likes it."

Nie Huaisang snorts and crosses his arms on his chest, tilting his head to glare at his painting.

"I doubt that. He hates everything about me."

"Brother likes how you paint," Lan Wangji objects, inviting Nie Huaisang to sit at his desk, the only table available.

Nie Huaisang sits down. He accepts the cup of tea offered to him and glances at it, but quickly puts it down on the table, lips pinched.

"Nie gongzi doesn't like this tea?"

"I don't like any Lan tea, I think. You people always make it too light, it's just warm water.” Nie Huaisang presses a hand against his mouth. “Ah, sorry, that's rude! I'm so sorry, I'll make an effort to be more like before."

"Like before?"

Nie Huaisang nods and drinks some tea with a forced smile.

"You like me quiet, right?" he asks. "I haven't had to be quiet in a while. I miss it a bit, actually. I like having friends, but it's so much effort sometimes, and it gets hard to keep up with people like Jiang-xiong and Wei-xiong. Thanks for the chance to… Ah, I probably speak too much as well?"

"You speak less than Wei Wuxian, so it is fine,” Lan Wangji replies, unwilling to admit that he minds chatter a little less these days. After that month of overlooking Wei Wuxian’s punishment, he’s had to get used to it.

"Well, that's not hard,” Nie Huisang chuckles. “He even talks in his sleep sometimes."

Against his better judgement, Lan Wangji finds that detail endearing. He adds it to the list of little things he keeps learning about Wei Wuxian, although he would rather die than confess such a list exists.

"It is fine that Nie gongzi speaks more now," Lan Wangji states. "Nie gongzi said last year he was one to follow demands and not make them, I'm glad this is changing."

"Oh, right, I never thanked you for that!” Nie Huaisang gasps, before breaking into a large smile. “But after what you said, I spoke with my brother when I went home, and he agreed to let me try different things. Lan gongzi, I'm very grateful for the kindness you showed me that day, and for your good advice. I don't know what I would have done without you."

Lan Wangji nods in acknowledgement.

In all honesty, and remembering the state Nie Huaisang was in after being told he failed his exams, Lan Wangji has some idea what the older boy might have done if not given some comfort and encouragement. Most of what he said was spoken out of fear that his brother might turn into a widower before even getting the chance to marry, and Lan Wangji was half certain that it was mostly nonsense but… if it helped Nie Huaisang, he’s glad.

“Since Nie gongzi no longer has to hide, will he show me his work?” Lan Wangji asks, glancing at the small pile of papers the other boy dropped on the floor.

“Only if you show me yours. Lan gongzi paints as well, right?”

Lan Wangji nods. He does, but only because it is what a young man of good birth must do. He doesn’t find in this the pleasure his brother and Nie Huaisang seem to take in it. Still, it is not unpleasant to have someone other than his brother appear excited about the prospect of seeing his work.

The day has been unpleasant so far for Lan Xichen, and he does not particularly expect it to improve. His uncle is in a terrible mood and making it felt around, all because of this business with Wei Wuxian, which is…

If Lan Xichen could allow himself to be honest, he’d say the entire matter is ridiculous. Wei Wuxian isn’t an easy student, but he’s far from being the worst they’ve had either. As for this argument with Jin Zixuan, the fault is divided between the two of them, so it’s unfair that one gets punished more harshly. Certainly Wei Wuxian has misbehaved here and there, but he’s clever, and if Lan Qiren had just found the right way to get through to him, things would have gone better.

Except his uncle isn't one to question his methods, and so Wei Wuxian must carry the blame alone. Much like last year when Nie Huaisang had to shoulder his failure alone, when surely, after how much effort the other Nie boys confirmed he put into studying, such bad results should have made any teacher question themselves.

It is an unpleasant day, and Lan Xichen feels so rebellious that he asked to be excused when sect leader Jiang and sect leader Jin arrived, for fear he might say something he shouldn't.

Leaving the adults to their gossips and complaining also means he is free to go inform his brother that Wei Wuxian will be leaving. This, too, Lan Xichen blames on his rebellious mood. He knows his uncle doesn't want Lan Wangji to have anything to do with Wei Wuxian, now that it is clear his upstanding nephew cannot influence the other boy and might instead be lead astray. Too bad for Lan Qiren. If there's finally someone who insistently wants to be Lan Wangji's friend, Lan Xichen wants to encourage that.

And so as soon as his uncle allows him to leave his side, Lan Xichen heads straight for home. At this hour, his brother is likely to be there, either meditating or practicing the guqin.

When he enters the house, the faint aroma of tea in the air confirms that Lan Wangji must be there. The main room is empty, so he must be in his bedroom, most likely meditating. Lan Xichen is sorry to disturb him, but hopefully Lan Wangji will be grateful to be given a chance to rush and say a few last words to Wei Wuxian.

As Lan Xichen walks toward his brother's room though, he is struck to hear voices coming from that direction. His brother is not one for guests and there is hardly anyone Lan Wangji is close enough to bring into not simply his house, but his bedroom.

This mystery is quickly lifted when Lan Xichen reaches the door to his brother's room and finds him sitting at his desk, Nie Huaisang at his side. The two younger boys have spread a large quantity of papers on the table before them, paintings by the looks of it, and are so busy chatting about them that they haven't noticed Lan Xichen.

It is so odd to see Nie Huaisang this relaxed. When Lan Xichen sees him in the distance with his friends, he is always jumping around, laughing and smiling and nearly as loud as Wei Wuxian. And of course during their weekly meetings, Nie Huaisang is sullen and closed off. Lan Xichen might be tempted to think that this is closer to how Nie Huaisang was last year, but even that would be inexact. Nie Huaisang never used to smile this much, and he always carried himself as if he were scared to take too much space. Nothing like this Nie Huaisang who is calm but clearly happy, and doesn't hesitate to reach across the table to take a painting.

"Oh this one is so good!"

Lan Wangji glances at the painting in question.

"Hm. It is brother's. He gave it to me to copy."

Nie Huaisang blushes slightly at the blunder. Lan Xichen expects him to drop the painting or make some disparaging comment, but instead the other boy inspects it carefully.

"Well, it figures,” Nie Huaisang sighs wistfully. “Your brother is a painter beyond compare… I could never even hope to paint with such controlled lines. Everything is just perfect, exactly as it should be… it must be amazing to be this good. I hope to be half as skilled someday."

Lan Xichen’s heart races at the unexpected compliment. Considering how Nie Huaisang speaks to him when he is present, he would have expected him to say much worse things about him in his absence. Even if he didn’t want to offend Lan Wangji by insulting his brother, it would have been easy to say something more neutral, or nothing at all.

“Huaisang could ask brother to teach him,” Lan Wangji suggests.

“No,” Nie Huaisang huffs with a bitter chuckle. “Your brother has made it very clear to me that he thinks I should give up on painting to focus on studying. He’d never do anything to encourage me on that path. And even without that, he hates me too much to ever want to spend more time with me.”

It stings that Nie Huaisang would believe that, when Lan Xichen has repeatedly asked to see his paintings, only to be denied each time. It stings also that Lan Wangji just nods along and drops the matter, grabbing instead a different painting to inspect it.

"This one is nice."

"You think?” Nie Huaisang pouts. “It could be better. I really like that view, but I can never do it justice."

"It is nice," Lan Wangji insists. "I like it."

"Really? You can have it if you want. Or… or if you'd like, I could paint something especially for you. As a thank you for your help."

"There is no need."

"There is much need,” Nie Huaisang grumbles. “You don't realise how much it changed for me. Ah! I know what to give you!” he exclaims, his smile turning devious. “I painted a portrait of Wei Wuxian a little while ago, do you want it?"

At this most cruel attack, Lan Wangji looks away. In doing so, his eyes fall on the door of his room, only to find Lan Xichen standing there. Lan Wangji appears a little uncomfortable at this intrusion, but nods at him to acknowledge his presence. This, of course, attracts Nie Huaisang’s attention.

The change is immediate. A moment ago, Nie Huaisang was relaxed and smiling easily, but as soon as he spots Lan Xichen he tenses and hurriedly grabs the paintings laid on the desk so he can hide them.

"I guess it’s getting late," he says stiffly. "I have other appointments today. I will go now."

"You don't need to," Lan Xichen sighs. "I was just here to tell my brother that..."

"Don't worry, I'm already gone," Nie Huaisang insists, dashing past Lan Xichen with a mess of papers held against his chest. "I know where the door is."

Before either brother can stop him, Nie Huaisang is already gone. Lan Xichen isn't exactly surprised that things turned out like this, but he feels somewhat guilty for interrupting this conversation when the other two seemed to be having fun. Indeed, Lan Wangji looks mildly annoyed at him.

"I just came here to give you some news regarding Wei Wuxian," Lan Xichen sighs. "I thought you'd want to know as soon as possible that uncle has decided to expel him."

"Jin Zixuan provoked him," Lan Wangji protests.

"I know, and I also think it's a little unfair, but uncle won't bulge. You know how he gets when he's sure he's right. At least you might have a chance to say goodbye, they're all discussing sect business now, and Wei Wuxian is in the courtyard for his penance."

It says a lot about Lan Wangji's distress that for once, he doesn't even try to deny his interest in Wei Wuxian. Instead he hurriedly tidies his desk so he can head outside. Eager to help, Lan Xichen gathers the remnants of their tea (Nie Huaisang’s cup is still full, he can't help but notice) and brings them back to the main room so the servants can wash everything. He is then quickly joined by Lan Wangji who holds a few sheets of paper and appears uncertain what to do with them.

“Nie gongzi forgot those,” he explains.

Lan Xichen glances at the papers. They can’t be what Nie Huaisang offered to give to his brother, they’re only studies (excellent studies; it seems Nie Huaisang’s skill has grown even greater since the rabbits) which means he must have simply missed them in his haste to go away. Judging by his expression, it’s clear Lan Wangji feels he should return those without delay, but also that he’d much rather go check on Wei Wuxian.

“Give them to me,” Lan Xichen asks. “I have nothing to do right now, I can drop by the Nie cabin.”

Lan Wangji all but shoves the studies into his hands and hurriedly leaves the house. When he’s gone, Lan Xichen allows himself to chuckle. His brother’s crush is really adorable. It’s a shame that Wei Wuxian is leaving so soon, these two might have gotten somewhere with a little more time. And if it had turned into something serious, Yunmeng Jiang isn’t a bad ally to have. Marrying Lan Wangji to a servant’s son isn’t ideal, but everyone knows how much Jiang Fengmian favours his ward, so they could have gotten a real alliance out of it. Perhaps if Lan Wangji gets a little bold and offers a correspondence to Wei Wuxian, if they get to meet again… Lan Xichen wouldn’t mind having a brother-in-law like that to shake up things in the Cloud Recesses.

That’s a consideration for later, though. First, Lan Xichen has his own fiancé to think of. He takes his time heading for the Nie cabin, feeling no hurry to face Nie Huaisang’s bad mood for the second time in a single day. A shame because these studies are so good that Lan Xichen can’t stop glancing at them as he walks, half certain that he can recognise the exact view of them mountains they depict, and he would love to talk about that. Still, he’s half hoping that his fiancé won’t have returned to the cabin directly, and that he can drop the studies to one of the other Nie disciples.

On a day like this, of course he shouldn’t have hoped to be lucky. As he gets close to the cabin, Lan Xichen sees Nie Huaisang in front of the door, having a conversation with a Lan disciple whose face is not visible from where he stands. Nie Huaisang does not seem particularly enthusiastic about the company, but still ends up following the other boy behind the cabin.

Lan Xichen goes after them. He tells himself that it is only because he needs to return the paintings, but there might be a hint of curiosity as well. The two boys are so taken by whatever they're planning that they don't even notice he's getting close behind them.

“I’m just saying you could have warned me,” he hears the Lan disciple complain when he’s almost caught up to them. “I waited a long time, I thought maybe something had happened.”

“Listen, if I wanted to be scolded, I’d go hang out with Lan Xichen,” Nie Huaisang retorts. “I got busy, that’s all. I’m barely in the mood at all, so count yourself lucky I’m not sending you away.”

The Lan disciple, whose face Lan Xichen still can’t see, shrugs. He then steps closer to Nie Huaisang who throws his arms around his neck as they lean closer to each other and…

Lan Xichen feels punched. His hand clenches on the paintings he’s holding, tight enough to probably rip the paper, but right now he can’t care about that because… because…

“What are you two doing?” he hisses.

It all goes very fast. Nie Huaisang pushes away the Lan disciple with enough force that the boy cries out and falls to the ground. The boy glances up and, realising who found them in this compromising situation, he scampers off hastily, trying to hide his face. Lan Xichen should stop him, because what just happened broke so many rules, enough that this boy could probably be sent away from Gusu Lan, but he’s too stunned to react.

Nie Huaisang remains where he is, looking rather annoyed as he crosses his arms and glares at his fiancé.

“Do you really have to ruin everything for me?” Nie Huaisang asks. “How annoying.”

“I don’t think you’re the one who should be upset,” Lan Xichen replies, rather more weakly than he would have liked. “I’m the one who caught my fiancé kissing someone else, aren’t I?”

Nie Huaisang smirks and shrugs in that cocky way he does now.

“And what are you going to do about it? Have the engagement cancelled?” he taunts.

“Is that why you did this?” Lan Xichen asks.

He knows that Nie Huaisang hates their engagement, far more than Lan Xichen himself does at this point. But he had assumed that Nie Huaisang understood how important the alliance between their sect is, how much Gusu Lan and Qinghe Nie need to count on each other. Every day that passes gives more proof that Qishan Wen is preparing for war, this alliance is so important, regardless of personal feelings, surely Nie Huaisang is clever enough to understand...

“I know we can’t avoid getting married,” Nie Huaisang retorts with another insolent shrug. “But we’re not married yet, and I know you don’t want me, so… can’t you at least let me have fun with someone who does?”

“Do you like him?”

Just saying the words hurts because suddenly, Lan Xichen realises that he might end up living the same life as his father, with a spouse who only reluctantly tolerates his company and would rather be anywhere else. He remembers how wistful his mother looked sometimes, especially toward the end. He doesn’t want to see that expression on Nie Huaisang. He certainly doesn’t want either the lonely life his father condemned himself to.

Nie Huaisang laughs to his face.

“You Lans, it’s always about love and all,” he mocks. “I don’t care about that. I just want to have a little fun with someone before I’m forced to be faithful to you. Kissing people’s nice, you know?”

Lan Xichen flinches. Nie Huaisang smirks, walking closer, leaning toward him, his head cocked to the side.

“Ah, but actually… I guess you wouldn’t know, right? Bet you’ve never kissed anyone, eh?” He steps closer still, slowly, like a wolf stalking its prey. “Lan gongzi… want me to be your first kiss? I’ll make it good, I swear.”

It’s a shameless proposition, one that Lan Xichen should immediately refuse. Instead, his eyes fall on Nie Huaisang’s lips and he aches to feel them against his, to hold the other boy close, to touch him, to...

Nie Huaisang laughs again.

“Right, of course not. Well, I can’t make you want me, can I?” he snickers. “Whatever. I’ll go now. But please, next time… don’t interrupt, okay? It’s rude to bother people when they’re having fun.”

He saunters away as if he doesn’t have a worry in the world. Lan Xichen watches him go, once more filled with hatred for this fiancé he didn’t choose.

It has to be hatred.

He refuses to give another name to the gnawing coldness inside his chest.

#xisang #worst engagement au #jau writes #ooof that was a hard one to write for some reason it just didn't want to happen!#but welp now lxc knows #and jzx is about to become free real estate

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panharmonium · 4 years

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Hey, do you ship merthur? I have conflicted feelings about it because Merlin does love Arthur but also their relationship is kinda shitty.

short answer: i do not

longer answer: i might not be the right person to ask about this, because i don’t really “ship” anything? it’s not how i engage with fandom. (disclaimer: this is not a value judgment of folks who do engage with fandom that way. just an explanation of how my own brain works.)

extra long answer: under the cut, because i suppose it was only a matter of time before someone asked me about merlin/arthur, and i might as well put my entire response in one place so that next time, i can just link to it.

questions like this are a little tough for me to answer, because i am completely uninterested in romance as a premise. if it’s not there, i don’t care. if it is there, i often wish it weren’t, because it’s almost never developed in a way that lives up to my standards. i don’t always mind if something contains romantic relationships (provided they’re written well), but i don’t want them to be the point of a story. i honestly cannot think of anything less interesting to me than a story that has as its main plotline “x character falls in love with y character.” for me, in my brain, it’s like, “okay...that’s it? do you have anything else to say?” there is literally nothing about that that i care about.

this can be a little difficult to navigate in fandom, because one of the oft-heard commendations of “fandom” is ‘gosh, fandom is so wonderful, we can watch the same two characters fall in love again and again and again in a million different scenarios!’ which is true, for the people who care about that sort of thing, but that’s not actually ‘fandom.’ that’s shipping. and there’s nothing wrong with shipping, but shipping and fandom are not the same thing, and they’ve become so conflated that it can be very difficult to engage in the latter without being absolutely swamped by the former.

many times, for me, fandom can feel synonymous with shipping. there was a post i reblogged recently whose tags described shipping as often feeling like a prerequisite to engaging with fandom, and that is often what it feels like to me, particularly in fandoms where one ship is so ubiquitous that any and all other material is utterly dwarfed by it in scale. (for me, my last two major fandoms have been merlin and teen wolf, so - i’m sure you see my dilemma, heh.)

all of that said, in terms of arthur and merlin specifically...

disclaimer: everything i say here is relevant to me only. these are my own feelings. i am making this post on my own blog, in my own space, in response to a question about my own thoughts. i do not want, expect, or need anyone else to share these thoughts. any commentary i make about fandom trends is not equivalent to condemnations of individual people’s opinions or shipping habits. i do not mind or take issue with folks who ship these two characters. i am glad you are having fun. please do not @ me about something you disagree with. i promise you it is not necessary.

okay. with that out of the way.

part of me is reluctant to expound further on this question, because my personal philosophy is that merlin and arthur as a ship have had more than enough time and space devoted to them in this fandom (way more than their share, frankly) and i generally prefer to focus on merlin and the other people in his life, as a deliberate counter to that. but, since you asked, and because i have been experiencing the “i’m tired of romance” bug more strongly lately, here is the long-form version.

the number one reason why i don’t ship arthur and merlin is what i already outlined above: i don’t really “ship” anything. i have never looked at two characters who were not already together/on an obvious potential path to being together and said “i want them to fall in love.” that has just never happened to me. (again - it’s not a BAD thing to have this happen, it’s just not something that’s ever happened to me. i can’t relate to the experience.)

therefore, when i do appreciate a romantic relationship, it’s pretty much always because canon has shown me something romantic (or clearly pre-romantic) that i find to be well-written and compelling. (it’s rare - as i outlined before, i would usually rather not deal with romance at all - but it happens.)

arthur and merlin, then, never had that effect on me, because arthur and merlin, as depicted in the canon, are not in love.

[to anybody reading this who just snatched up their keyboard and started furiously typing, i beg you - please go back and re-read my disclaimer.]

they’re not in love. the truth about these two is that if i had watched this show without having grown up in fandom as a culture (and without knowing exactly what kind of ships fandom immediately sees EVERYWHERE) the idea of anybody shipping these two together would never have even entered my mind.

(and like. because i DID grow up in fandom, and i DO know exactly what kind of ships fandom sees everywhere, i knew before i even started this show that arthur/merlin was going to be an inescapable thing. but that would not have been the case, if i had watched the series in a world where i didn’t know what fandom was.)

arthur and merlin, in canon, are not in love. the show never does anything to give me an inkling that either of them are harboring romantic feelings for each other. that is never what is happening onscreen. literally the last thing on merlin’s agenda is romantic attachment, ever, and arthur is never, ever shown to be in love with anyone who isn’t gwen. the show, onscreen, never tricks me, teases me, or leads me on. i was never under the impression that merlin and arthur were in love with each other, because they weren’t.

but that DOES NOT MEAN their relationship matters less. just because they aren’t IN love with each other doesn’t mean they don’t love each other, and one of those things is not bigger or better or more powerful than the other.

i struggle a lot in fandom (all fandom, not just merlin) with the persistent idea that romantic attachment is the peak, the natural endpoint on a scale of “how deep is your love?” i am constantly running up against posts where the commonly accepted structure is to cite a moment of devotion or caring or some instance of basic connection between two characters, and then add a caption or tag saying ‘because they are JUST FRIENDS, right?’ or ‘^^totally platonic interaction between characters who are not at all in love, sure jan.’

and honestly? i hate that. that is one of my least favorite things about fandom. it makes me so tired.

i am completely disconnected from this idea that there are like...things you can do that are too caring to count as friendship. like - that there is too much devotion you can show, and if you go over the limit, then it’s laughable that you would do those things for “just” a friend. that’s so unpleasant to me.

(and i do think [when it comes to non-canon queer ships, anyway - straight ships unfortunately have no excuse, sorry y’all] that part of this probably has its roots in pushback at the tendency of people who try to “gal pal” actual queer ships (or literal real life relationships), so this, at least, is something i can understand. i’m queer myself; i get that. and that is why i will never like - attach myself to someone’s post and start complaining. people can vent however they want.)

it doesn’t change my own feelings, though. i hate seeing every meaningful friendship i’ve ever been invested in talked about like it’s just a romance in disguise.

other things: i am uninterested in romance as a motivator.

truly, from the bottom of my heart, i don’t care.

we are, at least in my corner of the world, oversaturated with romance, to the point where any piece of media that doesn’t include it in some fashion is shockingly bizarre. it is EVERYWHERE. it is in EVERYTHING. i cannot pick up a book without running into a romantic plotline. i cannot watch a movie or a tv show without being forced into multiple romances that i don’t care about. (rare exceptions apply, as always, but i’m speaking generally.)

this oversaturation, for me, means that romance as a storyline no longer holds any meaning for me. i see it EVERYWHERE. it is in literally EVERYTHING. making merlin into a “love story,” for me, makes the show so much less interesting, because there are billions of love stories out there. love stories are practically the only kind of story our media remembers how to tell! why would i take a story that is so unique in its exploration of deep friendship (that isn’t even quite friendship, because it’s not real, but merlin wants it to be real, but making it real would also destroy it) and loyalty (that isn’t necessarily deserved, but is still offered, but is damaging to the person offering it) and love (that exists in spite of arthur’s position as the oppressor, but still cannot erase merlin’s oppression, and is patently not a magical fix for the very real problems merlin is facing), and then want to water it down to “and then they fell in love”???

merlin bbc has so much to say about the transformative, redemptive power of love (not just romance), and the bonds we form with each other despite the fact that we don’t always deserve each other, and what we can do to make ourselves better, and how do we make amends for the ways in which we hurt the people we care about, and it is so complicated and there is so much beauty there and i adore it specifically because it is one of the rare pieces of media out there that doesn’t prop up romantic love as the most important and powerful force in the universe. romantic love is not what moves the story. merlin’s love for the people around him is based on compassion. it’s bigger than the familiar and overused ‘i am desperately in love with this one individual person and that’s what drives my actions,” which is a premise all of us know has been done to death. merlin’s love is not about romantic attachment. it’s a deep, abiding love for humanity. it’s based on hope, and faith, and the inherent belief that everybody matters, even in their worst moments.

condensing that kind of story into “and then they fell in love” erases its meaning for me. it makes it trite. uninteresting. i have seen “and then they fell in love” fully sixty thousand times. “and then they fell in love” has been done so often that it is utterly devoid of power for me. boring. i literally do not care.

other people might feel differently, and find a romantic love story compelling. i don’t.

i’m guessing the message that prompted this essay is asking me to evaluate how i feel about the “goodness” of the merlin/arthur ship, aka whether it’s worthwhile to ship it or not based on how healthy/unhealthy it is, which i definitely can’t answer, because i don’t think whether it’s “good” or not really matters. i am definitely too old to be riding the newer wave of, uh...idk, purity culture type stuff that is so oft-debated on here, lately.

but you’re absolutely right, anon - merlin and arthur’s relationship IS kinda shitty! it 100% is. it doesn’t mean you can’t ship them, though, if you want; otherwise i wouldn’t be invested in any aspect of their friendship, either.

the fact that merlin and arthur’s relationship is kinda shitty is an essential element of the show; it’s the microcosmic representation of the macrocosmic problem merlin is trying to solve, and even with that being the case, we can see clearly that this also doesn’t preclude them from having real moments of connection and care and love. this is the contradiction i have to keep in mind whenever i engage with them in the friendship sense - merlin has been wronged by arthur in so many ways, and yet he still loves him and believes arthur can do better, and yet his dedication to arthur really does destroy his life piece by piece, and you really have to walk a line between those extremes and be thinking: in what ways was this a noble, honorable path for merlin to take and in what ways was this damaging, and was it all worth it in the end?

we probably wouldn’t still be watching this show if we didn’t ultimately think the answer to that last question was yes. but there are also equally valid ways in which the answer is, truthfully, no, and i think really the only important thing when dealing with merlin and arthur’s relationship (in whatever capacity you prefer) is to keep that dissonance in mind.

so, to more directly address your question, when it comes to my interaction with the source material, i don’t ship merlin and arthur romantically because i don’t see romance when they interact in canon, and i don’t think their relationship could be improved or made more interesting/more meaningful by adding extra-canonical romance into the mix. that’s really it.

but the other side of things is this: even if i were granted someone else’s ship-goggles to somehow see romance between these two (eg, once, in the distant past i read a harry potter fic that was so well-constructed it sold me on a relationship i didn’t [and still don’t] actually see in canon), i still wouldn’t choose to ship merlin and arthur, and it’s not because they’re a “bad” ship (no such thing, folks - tag your stuff and let people live their lives, thank you), it’s because this fandom has already been swallowed by them and i cannot bring myself to make that imbalance worse.

trying to be in the merlin fandom without shipping merlin and arthur is just...a little bit difficult sometimes. i think probably even people who do ship merlin/arthur are aware of that. sometimes it can feel like merlin/arthur is a given in this fandom, not one of many options - as if you’re not in the merlin fandom, but rather the merthur fandom, and you know you really, really do not belong there.

and it’s not even a canonical ship! it’s not even real. and yet if you like this show, and you want to engage in the fandom, your experience is, without exception, going to be chock full of merlin/arthur content by default.

essentially, my struggle with the merlin/arthur dynamic in fandom is two-fold:

1) the strikingly imbalanced content distribution

the merlin fandom, in terms of content distribution, is a pretty accurate mirror of merlin’s own existence, to be honest, in that pretty much every aspect of it is eventually taken over by arthur pendragon, and in that there’s a reasonable debate to be had about whether or not that’s a good thing.

(spoiler alert: it’s not.)

even so, it is what it is, and as i said before, me commenting on fandom trends is not meant as a condemnation of individual preferences. people like what they like! that’s just how things are. shipping arthur and merlin isn’t a Bad thing to do, by any means, and the fact that so many people do is just, you know, bad luck for me, lol. but at the same time, the wildly unbalanced distribution of content does make it more difficult for folks who don’t ship merlin/arthur to engage in fandom with quite the same level of ease, and even though it’s nobody’s fault, it is still perfectly reasonable for people who don’t ship merlin/arthur to be frustrated about that.

fanfic is a pretty good case study for how this plays out. i saw a post a while back that was titled something like ‘merlin bbc gothic,’ and the first bullet point was “canon ships are rarepairs,” and HOO BOY, that is true. stats-wise, merlin/arthur makes up ⅔ of the merlin fic on AO3. ~25,000 fics. the next most popular tag after merlin/arthur is arthur/gwen, but arthur/gwen have ~2,900 fics in their tag. and when you remember to exclude any instance of merlin/arthur from the arthur/gwen tag, that number drops by another thousand, to ~1,940.

that’s buckwild. come on. merlin/arthur has twenty-three THOUSAND more fics than the next most popular (and CANONICAL, i might add) ship? and every other ship’s numbers are even lower than that?*

and if you don’t want to read shippy stuff in the first place, like me - the merlin “gen” tag has less than 8000 fics in it, by comparison, and then you STILL have to filter merlin/arthur out of the gen fics, leaving you with about 6300 - which number has to be filtered down further to remove OTHER ships that still make it past the gen filter.

in comparison to 25,000.

like. i’ve been in fandom long enough that i’m not surprised - mean, i came into merlin directly off a teen wolf phase, and boy, that’s a whole other bowl of noodles right there, with added squick factors that are irrelevant here - but i’m still just...man.

it still makes my head spin. and it is still frustrating, every time.

*(there is a lot more to be said about how gwen fits into all of this, and i know it has been discussed more thoroughly in other places, but yes, another reason i am leery of arthur/merlin as a thing is that i’m just...not super comfortable with what that implies for gwen and her position in the story. even if i personally am slightly more compelled by gwen/lancelot, technically - i still don’t quite feel comfortable taking gwen out of her canonical place. she belongs at the top. she deserves to be the love interest and she deserves to be the queen. and like - people can say that her relationship with arthur isn’t “developed” or “convincing” enough to warrant retaining in fic, and i get it, the show really did fail gwen in S5 - but i still don’t buy that argument. people literally INVENTED a romantic relationship for themselves and put 25,000 fics worth of effort into building it up; there is no reason why an “underdeveloped” canon romance couldn’t have gotten the same treatment. except, of course, for the fact that one [Black, female] character was being shoved aside to make way for yet another two white dudes.)

(and i’m not saying that everyone is doing this deliberately or maliciously. but we all know this is a cross-fandom trend. there is literally no reason for the gap in content to be THAT wide. a canon relationship with twenty-three thousand fewer fics than an invented ship? just...that is a stat that bears thinking about. it doesn’t mean that merlin/arthur is a “bad” ship, or that you can’t prefer lancelot/gwen, but it IS still important to recognize these patterns where they occur, across fandoms, and to really think about what they mean.)

2) the arthur-goggles

my second struggle with merlin/arthur in fandom is the ubiquitousness of the arthur-goggles, aka: the tendency in fandom, as in canon, to make everything in merlin’s life about arthur, and everything in the show about merthur.

this one specifically really gets to me. i am very committed to the idea that merlin is a complete individual, whether arthur is there or not. i write a LOT of meta about merlin being a whole person, specifically pushing back on the idea that merlin was “born” for arthur’s benefit - my motto is basically that “merlin’s life does not revolve around arthur pendragon,” and the way his life begins to revolve around arthur pendragon in later seasons is not in fact touching or romantic or beautiful; it’s a tragedy. merlin does not exist only in the context of his relationship with arthur; he possesses worth outside of his mission to save the prince of camelot, and he was already a complete person before he ever met the prince of camelot, and one of the many issues we have to think about when dealing with arthur and merlin in any capacity is how merlin is told from the get-go that he is supposed to devote his whole life to arthur, but arthur is never given any such reciprocal responsibility.

merlin and arthur’s relationship, just like the distribution of content in this fandom, is wildly imbalanced. merlin spends all of his spare time thinking about arthur’s life; he ties himself in knots trying to help arthur develop as a person. he is constantly working to keep arthur safe and happy. but arthur, at the end of a long day, doesn’t spend his nights agonizing over how he can improve merlin’s life. he just goes home and goes to bed. he never once thinks, ‘my purpose on this earth is to serve and support my friend merlin.’ he is never told his life isn’t his own, that he is supposed to be one half of some two-sided coin. only merlin is told that his entire existence is earmarked for someone else, that his life’s purpose is to be someone else’s better half. only merlin is expected to devote his entire being to someone else’s betterment. only merlin is expected to say demeaning, self-abnegating things like “i was born to serve you.”

arthur, by contrast, is allowed to have a life of his own. he is allowed to exist on his own terms. he is never told that his worth is dependent on how well he can prop someone else up. and while fic might like to imagine merlin being the most important thing in arthur’s life, in canon that is just not the case.

merlin exists on his own merits, and the idea that he does everything he does just because “he’s in love with arthur” will never sit right with me, because it’s simply not true. merlin and arthur’s relationship is important to both of them, yes, and of course it is undergirded by deep love and care, but it is also way more complicated than that. merlin’s investment in arthur’s life - and his grief at arthur’s death - are NOT solely driven by his love for arthur as an individual; they are inextricably bound up with a sense of obligation and duty and self-worth and, eventually, failure, because he’s been told that protecting arthur is a) the only thing that matters about his own life and b) the only way to free his people and save an entire kingdom. and i think ignoring this very real complexity in favor of “merlin does what he does and feels what he feels because he’s in love with arthur” cheapens the depth of the story and flattens merlin’s character.

arthur-goggles automatically make everything about merlin/arthur, though. so the difficulty, for me, with merlin/arthur as a ship, is that it can be hard to make/find things about merlin that people don’t instantly, always try to link back to arthur in some way. merlin is not allowed to have things that are just his, and he can’t exist in a state where arthur doesn’t somehow factor in - no matter how unrelated to arthur something is, or how non-shippy it’s meant to be - there’s someone out there who’s going to loop it back to merthur in some way.

just like - scattered examples of things I’ve encountered:

all of merlin’s non-arthur love interests on AO3 having massive chunks of their ship tags actually being merthur fics, with the non-arthur ship serving solely as a stepping stone on the way to getting merlin and arthur together

readers, on fics that are specifically designated as focusing on merlin+someone else and in which arthur does not appear, leaving comments asking “so how long until arthur shows up,” “can’t wait to see arthur,” etc

meta about how ‘merlin’s time in camelot was actually really bad for him as a person’ being reblogged and modified by someone else with an addition like “but merlin doesn’t regret a second of it because he wouldn’t have known arthur if he were anywhere else,” and the OP having to reblog their own post and explain that this is literally the exact problem they were trying to critique

in fic, merlin’s friends being utilized only as vessels with whom he can have discussions about his developing relationship with arthur

etc etc

it’s not always huge egregious things, but wearing arthur-goggles means EVERYTHING comes back to merthur in some way, which for me is just...really insulting to other characters, and really limiting in terms of story analysis.

so, for example - this is a VERY specific example that few will relate to, because i am probably the only person on here who has ever tried to search the tag for merlin’s friend will from ealdor (a niche fave of mine) - but with him, especially, it is very hard to avoid bumping into a lot of people wearing arthur-goggles, because everybody seems to imagine him as merlin’s ex, who is only upset about what’s going on in 1.10 because he’s jealous about arthur appearing alongside merlin, never mind that will and merlin have known each other since birth and have a relationship that LITERALLY predates arthur by two decades.

so with him, as an example - the other day, i saw some post in the tag that was like “will gets teary when arthur makes his inspirational speech in ealdor because he finally understands what merlin sees in arthur and he can’t be mad anymore”

and that is just patently untrue. it is not even remotely close to a legitimate interpretation of what is happening in that scene. will hasn’t come around to arthur’s way of thinking yet; he literally still packs his things and leaves after this happens, and he is - i mean, first of all, he’s not crying, lol, and he stalks out of that scene weary, angry, and fed up, because he thinks the village is delusional and all of his neighbors are going to get killed in the morning. his arc - his dissatisfaction with what is going on, his anger at the ignorance arthur wields as a nobleman with all of that wealth and privilege, his resistance to the big “let’s fight kanen’s men with sticks” plan - that is about him and his history and who he is. it is not about an (imaginary) merlin/arthur love story.

but when the arthur-goggles are on, all roads lead to merthur. even when the other characters in question (*coughWILLIAMcough*) would be beyond mortified to have merthur, of all things, assigned as their motivation.

SO. now that i’ve gone over both the canon and fandom aspects of my reasoning, the succinct summary in response to your question is just that no, i don’t personally ship merlin/arthur. because:

a) i don’t see it b) the fandom is already trying to drown me with it and i choose to center other characters out of spite c) i just think merlin deserves better lol

however, as i said in my disclaimer - that doesn’t mean other people shouldn’t ship and enjoy it! merlin/arthur is very much not my cup of tea, but that’s no reason why other folks can’t have fun with it. i think the best portrayals of it, probably, will be those that keep in mind exactly what you said - that merlin and arthur’s relationship is “kinda shitty” - but this is fandom, so if what folks really want to write is just lots of happy AU’s with no issues, then they should go for it! the point of fandom is to have fun connecting with people over a shared love of something, so i am happy to let others have fun doing their thing, and i will just be over here doing mine. 🙂

#thanks for the question!#hope this is helpful #fyi to everyone else; this is the most space i will EVER devote to this subject so #wave goodbye as it flies past!#XD #the once and future slowburn #meta #(sort of? fandom analysis? idk)

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oiphity · 3 years

Text

more basar thoughts! because i remembered more of the thought vomit my brain has come up with during the almost year this goddamn merchant has been forcibly invading my braincells! god help me!

@lilikags! i tagged you in the first installment of this so uh

here's the second one

the decrease in quality is incredibly apparent

stupidly specific, but i can see basar trying to smoke a cigar or something because he thought it would make him look cool, but then proceeding to cough his lungs out and subsequently swearing off trying more cancer sticks in the future

dj basar pre-failed-savara-disaster-aversion-attempt is the dj basar i despise because of how insufferable he comes off as, but he's probably better after the aforementioned attempt and his taking over of his family's merchant guild. he grew up, basically.

i like to think that basar has a good work-life balance, given how much he seems to like his leisure activities. he's probably still fairly busy, though.

he probably bothers cartuja or whoever his friends are with dumb shit if he's free and then talks about other things at them for a while as well. quality friendship activities, clearly.

basar probably reads sometimes, even if it's just to make himself look smarter lol

one of basar's korean shouts sounds like a minecraft villager noise and i cannot unhear it lmao. his korean voice fits him in a weird way, but i'm just used to the english lines

basar looks like the only cds in his car are some shitty obscure balkan turbo folk ones he found in a questionable thrift shop that smells an awful lot like cigarette smoke during the 90s or just good ol' boomer music

basar would inexplicably carry around foreign banknotes and if you asked him for cash he'd just give you a thirty year old yugoslavian dinar and be like "have fun with that"

wasn't basar friends with duren and gamod before the two of them died? it sounds like they were still at least fairly close before those two got vibe checked into oblivion by unknown. i don't know the arrangement here but if basar was able to take rin in then clearly his friends have a shit ton of trust in him, right? but he also has a strong sense of duty so he definitely would be willing to do that in the first place if needed i guess

basically what i'm saying is that there is untapped angst potential in duren and gamod's deaths in relation to basar. would basar have even been able to process that properly?? like he's probably super busy as a merchant and that business seems cutthroat as hell. he can't afford to sit around and mope when there is business to be done. or maybe i'm wrong about this lmao i don't know

why can i see basar driving a yugo????? that is definitely not a vehicle he'd unironically purchase

not me projecting what little i know of the vibes of my heritage onto a character who most certainly does not come from whatever orbis' equivalent of that area would be

anyway

basar has no cold tolerance and he goes outside in 60° degree weather in full winter clothing and still complains

with the amount of simping he does, he'd probably be a pretty decent lover. he probably would go out of his way to make his partner happy.

i can see him persistently reminding people to take care of themselves

look he's super overprotective of people he cares about and that probably extends to making sure their needs are met, you know?

anyway extreme dad vibes

he'd probably troll random numbers that call him lol. like he'd pick up and do an awful russian accent or something and derail the conversation at every single possible opportunity he gets or something like that

honestly basar's vibes are fuckin wild i can see there being many cursed images of him existing

he seems like he has many, many stories to tell about the stuff he's done during his life lmao

i had a thought once about him going out of his way to take care of, like, stray cats in his area or something but i have no clue if that's even in character for him or not

catboy basar

thank you

and with that i'm ending the post on this note

will there be a part 3? no clue

this concludes basar thoughts 2: electric boogaloo

#epic seven #basar #more cursed thoughts!#yay!#god help me why am i doing this #this is completely incoherent

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darlinrogue · 3 years

Note

Having played hockey for years, Kenny is certainly agile. Having wrestled for years, Kenny, again, is certainly agile—quick and light on his feet. Dancing, however, is something else entirely. Similar to ice skating, but much more precise. Similar to wrestling, but you’re probably not supposed to hurt your partner. But Page had asked him for a dance, and how could Kenny say ‘no?’ “Real romantic, cowboy.” One of his hands intertwining with Page’s, the other at his shoulder. “You lead, then.”

Slow Dancing

|| Adam and Kenny // @ofgrief

The phone screen blurred. A flick of his finger sent text bubbles flying. The group chat brimmed with messages and notifications he wasn’t ever going to read. Adam opened the settings. His thumb hovered over the ‘leave group’ button, scrawled in red text. Instead, he closed the app and opened Spotify. He chose a playlist labelled ‘relaxing.’ Softer country music, more folksy shit, some slower Led Zeppelin. A lot of Bruce Springsteen sounding sad. The work of slower tempos that wouldn’t grate on his nerves. Made an unfamiliar space more his own.

Adam hooked his leg up on the bar stool spindle. He rubbed his hand over his jaw and dragged his fingernails through the beard stubble. The nice lady who did hair and make-up trimmed it for him today. The ice shifted in his drink, two fingers of whiskey. Week-to-week the bars changed. The scenery shifted with the ever traveling road shows of AEW. Some constants remained like the cheap chairs, the bland decor, the warm lights. Every bar had a different style of glass, some taller, some thinner, some clear, and some clouded. After hours, the bar was always the quietest spot as wrestlers escaped the halls for hotels and the production crew packed-up shop. Most important, no one Adam was avoiding ever came to the bar. It was a guaranteed retreat. At least in Jacksonville he could drive home tomorrow morning. Cuddle his dogs and be a homebody for a week. Silence the group chat, put his head phones in, and run until he didn’t know where he was anymore.

The holidays were a brief respite and a greater blessing. Adam returned to his childhood home as a jaded man seeking shelter from the shit storm just off his family property. He drank eggnog with his mom and helped her set up the Christmas tree. Caught-up with his sister and went riding with in the nipping cold of late-December. Shared the traditional whiskey shot with his father by the kitchen sink. Distant relatives filtered by for dinner. Cousins that patted Adam on the back and told him they saw him on TV. Grandparents that just didn’t get why Adam stopped being a teacher, even years later. Grandma made pies for Christmas morning and Adam’s mom got him cool cowboy themed pajamas. For a second Adam forgot about what waited outside the front gate. Then he arrived in Jacksonville, New Year’s Day, and it all came around.

The door opened and Adam glanced over his shoulder. Kenny peaked around the corner, his hair fallen over his shoulders. When he spotted Adam, he smiled, teeth flashing. Kenny walked into the room and closed the door behind him.

“Hey, hey, there you are Pizz!” Kenny greeted, he snapped his fingers rhythmically as he jaunted over to Adam. Kenny slid onto the bar stool and his eyes darted over the room. Kenny wiggled his hips, the leather creaking, as he situated himself in his seat. There was an easy grace to his movements but a tight tension in his shoulders. “Been looking all over for you.”

Sweat stains darkened the fabric across Kenny’s chest and arms. His hair was damp but drying, curls fluffed and unruly. The match earlier left his cheeks flushed from exertion. Kenny sighed as he leaned back against the chair, face tilting to the ceiling and eyes fluttering closed. Adam bet that was the first time he’d sat down all day. Trapped in a ring with Rey Fenix, Pentagon, and PAC, Adam counted it lucky Kenny stumbled-out with all his attached pieces.

“You good?” Adam asked, he tapped the volume down on his phone so the melodramatic singing dropped to a low purr. ‘Drive me—crazy’ “You guys had a good match out there tonight.”

“Yeah, we did, a great start to the year if you ask me,” Kenny said. He looked at Adam and he grinned again. Something flipped in Adam’s stomach. “Can’t ever complain about a mark in the win column, especially against PAC. I feel good, like I’m getting my feet under me.”

To emphasize his improving condition, Kenny shook-out his arms and shoulders. A jitter that extended all the way to his fingers. He interlaced his hands and stretched-out his shoulders with an arch of his back. He settled his grip on the counter edge. Kenny chewed on his lip and there wasn't anything playful in his eyes.

“You know, it would��ve been nice, if you came and joined us, after?” Kenny admitted. “Matt, Nick, Cody, myself, we all would’ve loved to celebrate with you. You know, like a family. None of us thought AEW would last to the New Year, this was a big deal, a big night. Something we couldn’t have done without you.”

Adam breathed a laugh, shaking his head. He sought the last bit of comfort he could wring from his glass. “You know, I’m just, trying to get some space. Get my shit sorted-out before I hand it all to you guys. I just don’t think— I just didn’t think it’d be a good idea to go down to the ring.”

“Yeah, yeah, I get that,” Kenny said, and Adam doubted it. Because the next thing he said was, “Matt and Nick miss you. I miss you.”

“Yeah, I— I know,” Adam said. He investigated his glass, the intricate pattern of cut crystal and how the light played between the facets. The pale press of his white, scarred knuckles. He attempted to make new friends, to branch-out, hadn’t worked-out too hot. Adam’s glorious single’s run, hadn’t worked-out too hot either. Hell, next week he even had a match with Kenny. So, evidently his bold proclamation that he was leaving the Elite, was not heard. Maybe he hadn’t been loud enough. “Like, I said, I just, need some time.”

“That’s fine, but, Adam? We’re here for you. We’ll always be here for you,” Kenny said.

Adam’s eyes snapped-up to meet Kenny’s gaze. The sound of his name so foreign in Kenny’s mouth. The Bucks called him ‘Hangman’ and the comms ‘Adam Page.’ Kenny favored ‘Page’ or ‘Pizz,’for some reason. The only time Adam heard just his name was when he talked to his mom. Those two syllables, in Kenny’s mouth, set a fire in Adam’s chest. It was a spell. Kenny could ask for literally anything and Adam would say ‘yes.’ A totally unfair advantage. Kenny left Adam helpless and weak; But Adam let Kenny hold all the cards.

Kenny, unaware of his power, patted Adam’s thigh. His palm rested against Adam’s jean and his nails worked against the fabric. Adam heard his pulse in his throat. “So, whenever you’re ready to come back? We’ll be here, waiting. Don’t think we’re just going to forget about you, or that you’re not welcome. The Elite, us, we’re something special, and it’s always going to mean something. Yeah, we can fight and have our disagreements, but that’s okay. We will always come back together.”

Adam grinned, the corner of his mouth curling. “You have been feeling better, lately, haven’t you?”

“Yeah, I have,” Kenny breathed with a laugh. He patted Adam’s thigh and knee once more before retracting his hand. “I took those first few losses really hard, I’ll admit that, but I’m back! I got my feet underneath me and I’m ready for the new year. I felt it tonight, Kenny Omega, is back, and I think the crowd felt it too. They were a live wire tonight, oh, I could feel it in my toes. Did you see it?”

“You uh, definitely seemed, happier?” Adam managed.

Kenny nodded and smiled approvingly. This Kenny, with his easy grins and ‘Power of Friendship’ speeches was a helluva a lot better than whatever the hell was going on in October. A few months ago he was barely functional. His voice muted and dulled over the phone. Adam wasn’t going to pretend that their way-too-late at night phone calls had anything to do with Kenny’s improvement. Kenny just needed someone to vent to that wasn’t Michael Nakazawa or a Young Buck. So, that left Adam. Adam also wasn’t going to pretend that his willingness to stay-up way past his bedtime wasn’t an act of pure devotion. Any excuse to talk to Kenny. Any excuse to have something special with Kenny.

Even when Adam knew he shouldn’t be talking to the Elite —for their collective good— Adam made an exception for Kenny. What puzzled Adam the most though was Kenny’s willingness to listen back. To hear-out Adam’s side of the story and all his twisted anxieties and fears. About the more wretched parts of Adam he couldn’t even tell his mom about.

For Kenny to hear about the worst aspects of his past and personality, and decide to keep talking to him— that part confused Adam.

“So, uh, about next week, I saw on the graphic we have a match?” Adam interjected. “Against Private Party? When did that happen?”

“Oh, you didn’t know?” Kenny asked, his brow furrowed and creased but it melted off in a heartbeat. He shrugged, “Yeah, TK booked it for us. We got two wins, and in a young company like ours? That’s pretty notable.”

“They’re shitty wins, Kenny,” Adam pointed-out.

Mox and Pac did not qualify as a tag-team. They worked like two Rottweilers shoved in a sack together and then told to get along. All Kenny and Adam had to do was stand back and watch the duo implode. Kip Sabian and Shawn Spears were a mess, in the worst ways. Of course those two flimsy wins, was before Adam factored in their two losses. Both against legitimate tag-teams that knocked Kenny and Adam down a peg. Kenny and Adam may’ve been in the same stable for close to four years, but it’d been that long since Adam shared a corner with him. It absolutely showed too. Adam had watched the tapes back and he bet Kenny didn’t appreciate the bruises from his so called partner.

“But wins, nonetheless,” Kenny retorted. He bunted his knuckles against Adam’s shoulder. “Shitty wins count. We take those.”

“Private Party is a real tag-team,” Adam said, but he shrugged, nonchalant. Smacked the back of his hand against his palm on each word for emphasis. “But I guess I can whoop their asses.”

“That’s the spirit,” Kenny said.“Yeah, Private Party beat the Bucks. They’re good, but not that good, I think we can do it.”

“Mhmm, you have a lot of faith in me,” Adam grunted. He placed his glass down and leaned against the counter. Regarding Kenny with a quick sweep of his eyes.

“Of course, I do, I told you, we got something special, I can feel it.” Kenny smoothed the word feel as long as it would go.

The music changed on Adam’s phone and his mind drifted from Kenny. Kenny launched, undeterred, into theorizing strategy. An Orville Peck song, with gentle string, a soft melody, singing about nostalgia and dreams. Adam grinned to himself, medicated just enough to consider something dangerous. For a guy lovesick with Kenny Omega these thoughts were perilous. It’d been a year now and Adam had sat on his hands like an idiot, pinning away. Hell with it, it was a bad idea but following bad ideas through was his modus operandi these days. Adam hummed low in his throat, cutting Kenny off as he waxed about Mark Quinn’s right leg.

“Dance with me,” Adam murmured, voice soft, barely a whisper. Like his throat was trying to strangle the words before he uttered them. Not at all the gruff confidence he had hoped to seduce Kenny with.

Adam pushed-off the bar stool and offered his hand. He grinned, bashful, feeling as awkward as he had when he was at Junior prom. This wasn’t weird, right? They’d done weirder, this was fine. More than fine when Kenny took Adam’s hand and Adam felt the press of Kenny’s callouses against his.

“Real romantic, cowboy.” Kenny breathed and the last of Adam’s confidence melted. Cowboy, that was new, and Adam liked it. He really liked how Kenny said it. “You lead, then.”

Adam laughed and ducked his chin to his chest. With his free hand he turned the music up on his phone. There was lightning at his finger tips as he ran his palm over Kenny’s hip. Kenny put his hand on Adam’s shoulder and grinned obnoxiously as he obviously felt-up Adam’s bicep. A couple inches between their chests and warmth flushed Adam’s throat. Adam whispered ‘okay,’ and his heart thudded. Kenny had to hear it. Feel Adam’s pulse in their joined hands. Terrible, stupid, perfect idea— when Kenny rejected him for being a lovesick fool it wasn’t going to be so great.

“It’s just some team building.” Adam preempted and placated Kenny. With his hand on Kenny’s hip he nudged the other man to sway with him. Nothing but a little stutter step. “You know, so we’re ready for next week.”

“Ah, yeah, team building,” Kenny chuckled. Adam met his eyes, and swallowed hard. Their noses a hair’s breadth apart. Adam wished he had brushed his teeth so his breath didn’t smell like alcohol. “You slow dance with all your partners?”

“Yeah, actually, Jason and I learned to waltz when we first started tagging,” Adam admitted. Kenny gapped at him. Clearly his question had been rhetorical and now Adam regretted bringing it up. “I mean, for the foot work and all that, it was just a good way to get in sync, you know?”

“Right,” Kenny said, and Adam wondered if his lack of enthusiasm meant something.

Two high fliers like Jason Blade and Adam Page needed immaculate tandem offense. It was a process, to get used to each other’s rhythms. To know when the other had taken too much damage and needed that blind tag. When to slow down, or speed-up, as the match dragged on. It worked, they got used to each other’s rhythms. Eventually they didn’t need the waltz at all, it was just a crutch. Adam had only suggested it as a joke but it did wonders for their footwork. Less so for their teamwork as they quibbled over who would lead.

(Adam eventually got the role because he was better at it than Jason).

Adam lifted his arm and after a second to process, Kenny twirled underneath. Adam pulled Kenny back as Kenny stepped in. A little too much momentum and Kenny stumbled into Adam’s chest. The heel of Kenny’s loafer drove between the two delicate bones on Adam’s big and second toe. If this was skee-ball then Kenny just scored the 100 points. Adam cussed and hissed, jerking away from Kenny. He rubbed the top of his boot over his calf to diminish the pain.

Kenny hissed between his teeth, “Yep, that was my bad. Sorry. You good?”

Adam kicked and shook his leg to return feelings to his toes. “So, was that payback?”

“Maybe,” Kenny teased. “Can we try again though?”

Kenny’s grin was rueful as Adam returned to him. He placed his hand back in Adam’s offered palm. Despite his sore foot, Adam was eager to have Kenny back in his arms. To feel the firm strength of his hip and lat underneath his hand. Back to their awkward little shuffle step and this time, Kenny pulled Adam closer. Chest-to-chest, Kenny rested his chin in the crook of Adam’s shoulder. His nose brushed against the wisps of Adam hair. A soft whisper of Kenny’s breath against Adam’s throat. Adam tried not to stiffen, as if his tension would scare Kenny away. Tried to find Kenny’s heartbeat, his rhythm, but when he did he couldn’t bring himself to fall in lock step. Wondered why he had to follow at all.

Except, Kenny had asked Adam to lead.

Adam experimented and lifted his arm again. This time Kenny unfurled and laughed each step of the way as he twirled underneath. Adam guided Kenny back to him, chuckling as their grip changed and Kenny’s hand flattened against his chest. The song ended without flourish. Gunmetal blue, the details of Kenny’s iris, the crinkles at the corners of his eyes. Shirts rucked, hands joined, and the slight huff of their breath in tandem. The playlist rolled to the next song. Adam and Kenny broke, then stepped away together. Hands lifting to rub at the back of their necks in mirrored gestures. Adam had an apology at the tip of his tongue.

“That was nice, Page,” Kenny said, his voice soft “We should definitely do it again sometime but—”

“You have to go?” Adam guessed.

“Yeah, Cody, the Bucks, and I are going out for a late-dinner,” Kenny admitted. His fingers twisted with the front of his shirt. “I won’t— I won’t ask you to come. I know how you feel, but I wanted you to know we were going out, and that if you wanted to join us? We’ll always save you a seat.”

Adam nodded, his thumb hooking in his belt loop. He licked his lips and studied the floor. “Thanks, Kenny, I appreciate it. I really do.”

“Alright, I’ll see you later,” Kenny said. He walked backwards to the door, chewed on the inside of his mouth. “Do you think— Can we meet early, like a couple days before the match, it’s in Mississippi, right? Maybe we can fly down early, get in the gym, and just, you know, work on stuff? Private Party is a real tag-team, we gotta be ready.”

Adam hesitated, thinking of the phone calls he’d have to make to get his flight changed. Packing early, a couple days less home. Finding someone to take care of his dogs while he was gone. The logistics crowded the forefront of his brain and yet all the back latched-onto was Kenny. His hopeful, shy blue eyes, and his little half smile. It was such a terrible idea, this was going to be beyond inconvenient but, two days with just Kenny, working-out, figuring out this tag-team they were evidently doing, and—

Shit.

“Yeah,” Adam managed, “We can do that.”

“Alright! I’ll see you in Mississippi, then, cowboy,” Kenny cackled. He backed-up and rested his hand on the door handle. He pointed at Adam. “Text you details later. Just you wait until we break-out some tandem offense on Private Party, it’ll all be worth it. Catch ya’ later, Pizz.”

The door closed behind Kenny and in his absence, Adam sighed. He worked his hand over his jaw and wondered if he was going grey early. Somehow, someway, Kenny had slipped the rug out from underneath him and made them a tag-team. Adam had agreed to tag with Kenny versus Mox and PAC because they both needed it, but this had become something more. Something Adam was not prepared for. It was a commitment but also an opportunity.

If they were doing this, Adam realized, he had to commit. He couldn’t half-ass a tag-team with Kenny Fucking Omega. Even if he felt like this was a terrible idea that was going to screw them both sideways. Not now, not even soon, but in a few months, maybe a year, when all of this unraveled and Adam slipped in a pool of his own blood.

“The point BJ, is that when the moment presented itself to him, he did grab it with an iron grip.”

Years of practice, months in the gym, days spent at Jimmy Valiant’s training camp, drilling counters, perfecting the snap of his hips as Adam flipped into a high bridge. Pressing onto his tip-toes, all his weight leveraged down on a bigger opponent. Adam Pearce had two inches and forty pounds on Adam. One opening was all Adam needed, though. The shock in the room on the three count had been palpable. The audience’s collectively gasped and it was a pure adrenaline shot to Adam’s veins. Shock erupted into open cheers. Adam on his knees, grinning with pride and surprise, like he wasn’t even sure he had won. BJ ruffled his hair fondly. He was not supposed to win this match but he did. Jimmy Jacobs, the entire crowd, the commentators, they didn’t believe in Adam Page, but Adam did. Back then that was enough to pull out a miracle.

“He did put a vice around it, BJ! And he won the match!”

Adam Pearce popped Adam Page’s confidence like a balloon. Pearce’s right palm smashed across Adam’s cheek so hard he tasted it. Adam won the match, he won the battle; But Jimmy Jacobs point was clear: he did not win the war. And Adam was at war. This was a no-holds barred beatdown and he was on the curb. Blood in his hair, eyes shot, and fingers shaking. The Bucks at his throat. Kenny with his back to a ledge, grinning at him with unrestrained excitement about a match next week. Next week, against Private Party, a real tag-team. Not the shitty ‘teams’ they had been fighting. Not a fight he could check into for the sake of Kenny or the peace.

“It doesn’t matter, because that was the test you failed.”

Pearce’s finger jabbed into Adam’s face. He went cross eyed trying to look at it. Felt and suppressed the tremble in his bottom lip. When Adam was a little kid he watched wrestling on the TV and felt a bone deep need. A wrestling ring was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen. He had to get in that ring. Nothing else mattered, and for a time the trampoline in the backyard would do, but that ring called to him. He wanted to feel the give under his step, the flex of the ropes. Smell the sweat and blood that’d seeped into the mats over decades, decades of history, legacy, and war. A written history Adam longed to inscribe his name into. When Adam was a child he didn’t care about belts or titles, if he just got into a wrestling ring, got to stand in one, he’d be happy.

It was a simple, unambitious dream, but for a kid from rural Virginia is was his dream. Well, he got in one, and it was like a drug, he had to do it again, and again, and again, and he got good at it. So good that he won more matches than he lost. He had to feel the thrum of a crowd in his ears. Test himself on an opponent, stretch the limits of his ability. Once, Adam had thought to himself, while running the the apron to a moonsault, pushing off his leading leg, his back arched, and his heart grazing the ceiling, ‘I wish I was actually this strong.’

That the confidence of Adam Page, professional wrestler, The Hangman, carried over into his day-to-day. That the power of his chops translated to an unflinching voice when he spoke. That the technique of his flip was as impressive as his social prowess. Adam never second guessed himself before a suplex but he did in everything else. It shocked him he had the spine to ever even get in a ring in the first place, to go to Japan, to enter the G1, to join an upstart company like AEW, or to even go outside.

An opportunity was presenting itself to Adam Page. Kenny Omega, the best bout machine and a great visionary, already saw it. Adam saw it too and he suspected its appearance was not accidental, not a luck of the draw. He wanted to call Kenny and tell him to cancel the match. His stomach twisted with the thought. This was a bad, bad idea, to step down a twisting path that he couldn’t see the end of. Going back to tag-teams, tagging with the leader of the group he was trying to leave, and the man he’d been totally lovesick with for over a year. Adam hesitated, his hand hovering over his phone.

“At some point, the both of you will have seen everything there is to see. Have been able to do everything there is to do, and when the moment presents itself, you won’t hesitate to reach for it. Because you already know that you grabbed it before it presented itself. Time will do that for you.”

Adam’s hand flattened against the bar counter, pinned like a taxidermy bug to the board. He grabbed it when he rolled Adam Pearce through to the bridge. He grabbed it when Matt offered a spot in the Bullet Club. When he hung Chris Sabine and became the Hangman. He grabbed it when he snatched the title from Jay White and held it above his head like it could be his. He grabbed it when he won the battle royale. When he rode a horse to a ring that belonged to a legend to whom he would serve as a footnote. Most of the time, it slipped his fingers, because his grip was slick with sweat, and he was a young man, lacking time. But Adam had never missed, never hesitated, and if he was going to do this—

If he was going to walk into next week, take that match with Kenny and fight Private Party. He was going to commit.

No more half-assed bullshit. No more ducking away and avoiding a future he dreaded. They were going to do this and it was going to suck, and the effort was probably going to kill him. It’d probably would mean that by the end Kenny hated him. And that would also suck, but Adam wasn’t going to spend his whole life pinning for something he could never have. Not when there was something he could have and it was gold around his waist. An accomplished career that he could die happy with. The Bucks patting his shoulders and arms, telling him he did great, they’re proud.

It was going to suck, it was going to kill him but at least he got to pick his poison.

#ofgrief #‘The Hangman’ || Adam: IC #‘Deals with God’ || Adam: Verse

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cheekaspbrak · 5 years

Note

11 for the sentence starters? (I think you’re writing is great btw)

Yo, this one is angsty with no happy ending. Maybe I’ll write a part two, depending on if anyone wants one and if I feel like writing one. Also, thank you for the prompt and compliment!! :)

Read here on ao3

Prompt taken from this list.

“Nobody’s seen you in days.”

The first day, Eddie didn’t think much of Richie’s absence. Well, that’s not true, he thought about it a lot, about how boring being stuck in a hospital bed without him by his side was. But, he figured Richie was spending the day in his hotel room, sleeping and recovering from the absolute exhaustion they’d all faced after defeating It. He’d been in and out of consciousness for almost 24 hours, and every time he opened his eyes for a few minutes Richie was there, asleep in the chair next to his bed. When he’d finally managed to stay awake for longer than five minutes, Richie was all over him. He held his hand and stroked his cheeks like he couldn’t believe he was real and Eddie had never felt so alive despite being chained to a hospital bed after nearly dying.

He was alive, and he was in love with Richie.

Some part of him had always known, sure. As a kid, it was easier to pass it all off as a close friendship. But, when you reconnect with your childhood friend after 27 years and still feel butterflies around them, it’s a bit harder to ignore. Eddie didn’t want to ignore it any longer.

He had made a plan, of sorts, to tell him the next day. Richie was making this plan difficult, though, because one day quickly turned into three. Eddie had nearly died, and Richie suddenly disappeared for three days.

Well, disappeared isn’t exactly the word, because the other Losers claimed his car was still at the hotel. His room door was locked, and anytime they tried to call out to him the room was dead silent.

On the third day, his car disappeared. Eddie was in utter shock at the idea that Richie just up and bolted. He’d always known Richie was the kind of person to run from his feelings and he was always understanding of that. This time, though, he felt completely betrayed. Richie just didn’t know when to stop running away.

And that was true. That’s why Richie was at the airport, looking around wistfully, like he expected Eddie to hobble out of the hospital and go after him. Maybe he’d chase him down and grab him by the shirt and shout at him for being a cowardly idiot who deserted his best friend days after a near-death experience. But, that’s not what will happen, because Richie’s life isn’t a fairytale. If he thinks about Eddie for too long, he’ll break down in the airport and that’s something he’d rather not do. He’s been avoiding his emotions for so long he doesn’t think he’d be able to stop once he started. He certainly wasn’t able to stop loving Eddie once he started.

And that was the problem, wasn’t it? That was exactly why he couldn’t stick around Derry surrounded by past memories and overwhelmingly, immensely enveloped by Eddie. He couldn’t hold back anymore.

When Eddie had woken up, looking pale and bruised and covered in bandages, he’d nearly keeled over and died himself. It felt like a fucking miracle, like Richie had a guardian angel. He’d been ready to spill his guts right then and there. He wanted to tell him how long and how quietly he’d loved him all those years, but then, in the middle of some banter, Eddie said-

“Oh shit, I should call my wife.”

And Richie clammed up, realized he’d gotten too excited. Eddie had a whole life outside of Derry, and Richie had nothing. Well, not exactly nothing, he was a successful comedian with his own Netflix special. But, without Eddie, it sure felt like nothing.

He’d realized that he couldn’t be around Eddie any longer and keep pretending like he didn’t love him. So, he stayed long enough to ensure Eddie was going to be okay, gave him a not-so-friendly kiss on the cheek, and moped in his hotel for a few days. Then, he was gone like he’d never been there.

Everyone had been texting him since he left that morning, especially Eddie. He couldn’t bring himself to look at any of the messages. Richie was a coward, but he was stubborn when he had his mind set on something.

As the plane starts to board, he can feel his phone buzzing in his hand. Eddie’s name is on the screen and it’s enough to make his heart squeeze in his chest. He declines the call.

“B Group is boarding now…” The gate agent says, and Richie knows he should be going soon, but his phone buzzes once again, this time with a voicemail from Eddie.

He stares for a long time, blinking away obstinate tears in his eyes. He eventually makes the decision to turn off his phone and board the plane. He can’t bear to hear Eddie’s voice right now.

And maybe if he had listened to the voicemail, he would’ve changed his mind. Maybe he would’ve turned back. But he boards the plane, puts his bag in the overhead bin, and pushes his headphones in his ears to drown out the sound of Eddie’s voice telling him to turn around.

Hey, uh, this is Richie Tozier. I’m not at the phone right now ‘cause I probably have better things to do than talk on the phone so… leave a message?

BEEP

“Hey, Rich. It’s Eddie. I, uh, I don’t really know what’s going on right now. Nobody’s seen you in days. And, we miss you. Well, at least I do. It’s really boring in this hospital room without you charming the nurses or complaining about the shitty hospital food. I really hope you didn’t leave, but I know you… and I’m pretty sure that you did. I really hope you didn’t, you asshole. You’re really giving me no other choice but to tell you this over the phone… I love you, Richie. I do, and I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to realize it.

I don’t know if you feel the same way, but even if you don’t, could you please just come back to the hospital so we can talk about it? I’m getting a divorce, and no, it’s not because of you so don’t get a big head. I could really use someone to talk to, though, and you always know how to cheer me up. Please come back. I miss you.”

Tag List: @constantreaderfool @violetreddie @girasol-eddie @thorn-harvester-ven

#reddie #reddie fic #Richie x Eddie #eddie x richie #richie tozier #eddie kaspbrak #h writes

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nadunacreates · 4 years

Text

NANOWRIMO 2019 • WEEK FOUR

•

WIP: heroes bleed red

THIS WEEK’S WORDCOUNT: 7’054 / 11’669

TOTAL WORDCOUNT: 58’242 / 50’000

•

read on under the cut for some excerpts and other fun stuff.

•

GENERAL RANT:

this week was like the exact opposite of week two. i had such a hard time and really hit that writing slump, hated everything about my story but still forced myself to write at least 500 words a day. i’m not sure if i’ll be able to use a single one of those in the end. i completely lacked the motivation to write this round up, which is why i’m only doing this now, on december 1st and i’m also really just counting that week four and not the last two days. i’ll post a total roundup of the whole month, too, as well as future plans, but i don’t know yet if i’m going to manage to do this today or only tomorrow. anyway, week four was positively shitty all around and thus the following excerpt won’t be great, but… have them anyway.

•

FIRST LINE BIT I WROTE THIS WEEK:

“Sorry,” Kaliope says, and decides to just once in her life fuck it and tell the truth. It’s not it can do much damage, right? She’s not interested in a friendship with Moe, after all, or even getting to know her any more closely than what is strictly necessary for the observation of her enemy. She’ll be keeping an eye on her, as much as possible, and nothing more. It doesn’t matter if Moe likes her or not, whether she thinks of her as a freak or not. Kaliope will not matter more to Moe than any other customer does. So. Truth it is, no matter how bitter it tastes going over her tongue, the regret and fear of rejection just things she doesn’t really feel.

yeah, kaliope, keep telling yourself that. so it runs out i’m really bad at writing consistent characterisations and not turning everything into an angst fest. also this is somewhat towards the end of my main characters’ first interaction as civilians, and it’s definitely one of those things that will drastically change in the second draft, if i ever make it that far.

•

LAST LINE I WROTE THIS WEEK:

Amethyst likes these days, when she’s got enough brainpower and energy left to place these kinds of mind games, think about all the possible consequences to her actions. When she’s not just left playing catch up and trying not to die.

amethyst is moe’s hero identity, in case i’ve forgotten to mention this before. which i probably have, knowing me. it’s a bad line of an even worse scene and it’s most likely to get cut, heh

•

AN UNEXPECTED REVELATION THAT HAPPENED:

apparently both moe and kaliope are bad at making friends (or at least feel that way). so both their co-workers decide to friendship-match-make them. which is so not how i planned this whole thing to go, but oh well. now at least i get to write them texting and having moe be oblivious that kaliope is that annoying villain that she likes to complain to her about. identity porn is my jam, even though i feel like i’m really bad at writing it and also i’m giving out spoilers here like warm bread or however that saying goes. although i doubt that anyone is even reading this, or that i might ever get to the point where these things count as actual spoilers because i feel like i’m never going to be able to finish this. one of the reasons is the other “unexpected” revelation, with a lot of emphasis on unexpected, because by now i should really know myself better:

this story will not be done in 50k. is not done in 50k. i barely reached the middle of the first act now, although my outline is patchwork at best. which means that i think this story is going to be at least 175k, which would mean writing more than 1000 words every day until the end of february, sooo. gonna be playing the long game here. which means, in turn, that i’m probably going to be posting about this wip for a long time to come. if anyone wants to opt out of the tag list, feel free to do so, because i feel like my incoherent ramblings are not the most aesthetic things to read, or whatever. but also if you’d like to cheer me up, please do so. i need it ^^°

- the following excerpt is the second part of this match making thingy, happens very soon after the first lines of this week’s writing -

“What are you trying to do?” Moe asks then, and there’s so much suspicion in her voice that Kaliope can basically hear it dripping off of it. She did mention that Farren could get into strange moods, though, so maybe this is just one of their great ideas that Kaliope and Moe will have to wait out.

Maybe not, though, because Emerson suddenly clears their throat, moves down the bench to sit close at Kaliope’s side, and then they slip her own phone back into her hand. Kaliope startles, first, and then she glares. “Where did you get that? Why did you get that?” How didn’t I notice?, most importantly, because what kind of super villain is she if she doesn’t even notice her own phone getting stolen?

“You put it down on the table in front of you,” Emerson explains, calmly, as though this is something entirely rational. “I know you don’t have a code. I just put in Moe’s phone number, don’t worry about it.”

“Don’t worry about— why the fuck would you do that?”

“You need more friends,” Emerson and Farren both say at the same time, because apparently Farren is trying to explain the same thing happening to Moe. It’s making Kaliope feel a little better, to be honest, that even the Great Hero Amethyst didn’t notice that her phone got stolen, that as an actual hero she should be able to prevent that kind of thing, let alone let it happen to herself.

“And Moe is the perfect choice, seriously. You don’t have to do anything but come here a few times a week and let her talk to you during her break.”

“What in all hells? Why are you trying to take our lives in your hands like that? We’re actual grown adults—”

“—and certainly older and more mature than you, Farren,” Moe puts in, and—

“—and certainly older and more mature than you,” Kaliope repeats, “and we don’t need you to friend-match-make us.”

“We were getting there on our own,” Moe puts in, and—

“We were getting there on our own,” Kaliope repeats. “Wait, what? No, we were not!”

“See?” Farren says, probably to Emerson, considering their conversational tone of voice. “I told you they wouldn’t get around to it by themselves. We did a good thing, there, and you don’t have to feel guilty.”

“Oh no,” Kaliope says, “you have to feel very guilty. Keep on right doing that. I’m done with you, you little traitor.” And Kaliope doesn’t even know herself if she’s joking or not, because she does mean it, a little, and at the same time she doesn’t, there’s just— something that she feels, something curling low in her belly and squeezing tight around her chest, something she doesn’t have a name for, something she doesn’t want to find a name for.

It’s an unfamiliar kind of feeling, and she doesn’t particularly like it, wouldn’t want to have it repeated.

•

RANDOM CHARACTER FACTS I DIDN’T KNOW BEFORE:

there are way too many side characters that suddenly got way too much screen time and importance to the whole story. and it seems like i can’t stop making new ones.

there’s the owner of the garage where moe has her second job at, for example. he turned out to be lenny’s grandfather (lenny is one of moe’s best friends from her high school time and it was basically their death that triggered her whole “i’m going to be a superhero now” thing and yeah. it’s probably time i make some proper character introductions. maybe that’ll help me get my motivation back.) and that’s big. also he apparently knows that moe is the hero amethyst? although i’m pretty sure that i mentioned in one of the first scenes that absolutely no one knows about her being amethyst. seriously, this is going to take so so much work to edit.

but yeah, another new character is the wind, apparently, and that’s going to change so much? but also make a lot of the things make more sense?

also there are like four cops or “hero liaisons” as i call them for some reason, and somehow they get to have a lot of impact as well??

look, i have zero control over anything in this story, i’m just glad to get any words out at all and maybe do some world building and character development while i’m at it.

•

SOME LINES THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE, SOMEWHAT:

Moe doesn’t know if she’ll be able to sleep now. […].

She wants to. She wants to get to. No Amethyst, not today.

(And yet, she turns on the radio, puts it on her nightstand, lets the static trickle on and hopes it won’t get interrupted, won’t turn into voices asking for backup to go up against a villain.)

(And yet, she puts her suit on the free space next to the radio, ready to be slipped into at a moment’s notice.)

(And yet, she’ll be ready to leave at that same moment’s notice, no matter the time of day or night.)

•

and that was the last roundup! i’m kinda glad it’s over, save for the total roundup now, because i’m really bad at picking out interesting stuff and not rambling too much and actually stick to a posting schedule and everything else, basically. i hope that at least some of you liked these posts, but well, even if you didn’t, it still helped me reflect on the week and see that i actually managed to get some things done, and yeah, not everything is bad and a lot of it is fixable. much more fixable than an empty page would be, at least, so! and i won nano early, that’s worth something, right?

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manjuhitorie · 5 years

Video

Muro Festival, is a rock festival! Which invites newcomers, upcoming artists, veteran come-on-ers, and all hard song enthusiasts alike to celebrate. Named after Muro Kiyoto, who is the manager of a Shibuya concert venue. As an avid enforcer of music events he’s esteemed by many in the scene, so the event draws in people who are driven by the fuel of that pass. At least bands will comment “Muro fest is an adhesive (Arukara)” or “The number one trait of Murofes is that the performing bands have awesome strong connections even on the side, and that the essence of that friendship engulfs it (Wasure).“ or “Even if Murofest was hosted at a small park or a in the middle of the street or in Muro’s house or even in a public toilet, I would perform. I love Murofest (Mizuno Gii).”

Anyway the performances are full of power! Full of summer heat! Full of maudlinism to soar like Muninn! Full of a favorite: there’s Hitorie’s dead pan heartfelt bassist, ygarshy!

And you were able to watch it on a niconico livestream but...

IT’S ENDED NOW

I will preserve this post as a report.... Doubling as a source for various trivia.... I’m considering maybe if a fan makes a purchase of a Wasureranneyo album, or something of similar sentiment, and DM’s me a screenshot, I could share the recording... Even if you see this in a billion lightyears from now. Because sharing is caring, all around yeah!!!

You have to get niconico premium to watch it, which is only 540 yen. Nothing compared to the fest’s ticket fee of 10,000 yen (Plus airfare fee for us overseers). You can use foreign debit cards, or even Paypal… ! Much of the performances were locked up, only for Premium members originally even for those who were able to watch real-time, so there’s no regrets in seizing the now. Thumbs up. Live shows enhance a whole different essence, so more than listening to a J-rock playlist on Spotify I’d recommend taking a dive into this while you can!!

Not only can you upfront witness the air around their electric pickguards warp to their technique, you can see them hop and whomp and throwmp around! What chords they clench with their teeth, what lines they unleash from the pit of their lungs, what parts the band will huddle together for and what songs mean the world to them! Also the crowds reactions, I move when I see them move, in polysemy. If there’s any niche J-rock band names you’ve maybe been curious about, or just want to find some new indie J-rock, the artist line-up is here! LAMP ON TERREN: wowawawa’s best buddy ‘Dai-chan’ is in there… *Waves hand* TERREN were once scheduled for a joint live with perfect timing, so they brought a birthday cake for wowaka and they got friendly with Rie... or so they thought.. The next day SND was ready to beat the shit out of them on stage. But they’re all friendly now (I think)))) Arukara: They master the standard rock setup with wads of distortion, wah effects, while sometimes make instrumental songs with violin etc. even! They do podcasts! And they reinforce cats a lot. I recommend Chigirero. majiko: Village Man’s Store: Who are the band with bright red suits, bright firey songs, and bright red lips who kissed Shinoda that one time - In seriousness I could recommend them though, they’re sweet with only a little taste of the sleazy! KAKASHI are rejoiced by quite a few Hitorie fans I know. There’s CIVILIAN: A three-piece whom all graduated from the Tokyo School of Music Shibuya, the bonds roam, who also hosts Nanou HoehoeP, another past utaite like majiko. LEGO BIG MORL: Sukippara ni Sake: Who are swanky with Kachāshī-like dances to the stretches of never making a boring song. And so so many more! J-rock band names start to make more less sense the more I’m in here! Wahoo! A band named Hitorie performed two years ago, and there’s LEGO BIG MORL this year, which is hoisted up by the same manager as Hitorie, Mika Arara! The members separately will some participate in cooking shows(), some each do acoustic shows on their own accord, each ego-search, and their stoic songs together are bound to at least make your foot tap from their flavored textures. For this sake I’m eyeing up the band’s particularly memorable whiz named Hiroki Tanaka. Hiroki is not most notable for his #My ygarshy hashtag, but for the sake of this he is. Under the tag is either Hiroki posting a picture of him together with ygarshy or him commenting #My ygarshy on pictures ygarshy of himself with others. Or the “What? Are you a couple?” on ygarshy’s “It’s our 9th year anniversary” photo of him with SND… yg “Sorry.” In general ygarshy and Hiroki are friendly, they drink and vent together time to time.Also Hiroki and Shibata Takahiro, the character who comes in soon, have a unit called Takahiroki. Which is the two of them fused to make flurry, with only an acoustic guitar and a mic as their weapons even! Their concerts tend to break the norms of the non-flamboyant J-rock scene, as they screw around with their power with no real point, just a joint to a jollity! Where as many J-rock shows will use screens of music visualizers to engross, Takahiroki will use the crowd by galvanizing them raise their signature rainbow towels or make explosive call-outs towards the flames of reality. Where many will use subdued dance to party, Takahiroki will chit-chat about food and females as they swing their limbs like spinning amusement park rides or dress as bartenders and drink . Though all rock shows are have their unique tricks and spirit, it’s nice to see it super shaken up also… I introduce these two for good reason! It’s background for what’s feautured in the niconico livestream! The band Wasureranneyo! That Shibata is on vocals and guitar, that Hiroki is on main guitar, our ygarshy is on bass, and Takayuki Tomita is on drums! Tomita is from a band called THE LOVE NINGEN, whom I’m not sure how came into relation with Shibata, but Wasurerannee yo is constantly borrowing members to fill it’s blanks due to . ygarshy has been consistent for more than half a year now! Hiroki also bounces in whenever he can an ex. Wasurerannee yo member once filled in for Love Ningen. They themselves most likely meet at festivals like this! Where similar bands get together under a sonic medium and spend the crepuscle ball. But I’m going back to ygarshy! Him! His performance is a spotlight!

the important part THE SHOW highlights

Wasureraneeyo start at 1:27:28, end at 1:58:39. You can manually copy-paste, and it’s a whole 30 minutes action-packed. There's about 48 hours before a the single watch instance will expire, but it's possible to close the window and come back anytime between then.

The first 5+ minutes are rehearsal, they’re muted to give the live-goers an extra extra incentive. It’s still worth a peak to see how musicians will stroll as they test. They played their theme song and also a cover of Alexandros’ Wataridori there’s nothing worth hearing anyway right (*wails).

The rest is 100% worth the buck! ●Shibata starts off by whimpering over an urge he needs to burst out, he needs everybody to cheer him on. When he Says “Miyamoto - Ryou!”, you have to shout “You can do it!” Note: Miyamoto and Ryou are a comedian duo, who just days ago were revealed to the victims of a corrupted corporation, who was holding absolute control over them. People have cheering for them to win better circumstances in the case. Yet the apologies and the press conferences have been fantasy football battles.... Ugh... It's a riot for sure though! Official news reports are here or here or etc. ●He gets everyone to wiggle their arms 90° angles above their heads “like we’ve gone crazy!” and shout a nonsensical “Yossoi hoi hoi!” chant! With the heat as the beat! yga just plays bass! ●He makes noise for his mom, multiple times throughout! His T-shirt even has his mom on it! Specifically a picture of 2 year old himself being embraced by his mother printed on it, with the word “Mother” metallically written on the back… Source from his past diary entry of him expressing his maternal love. I can’t believe this ygarshy no wonder you can’t help but smile a lot during these shows. ●He complains about the shitty time he “went out drinking when he two cute girls walked through the door in, ‘Oh, oh, oh!’ he thought, only for them to start chit-chatting about how small their boyfriend’s dicks are! What kind of damnation is this bullshit!” ●The lyrics are about that stuff anyway!! ●There’s also a special appearance from Kanata Takehiro, the vocalist of LEGO BIG MORL. Shibata bitches at him mid-solo because “Fuck you! All the girls are staring at you now damn it!” *He is actually popular in the band due to being good and cooking and math and being an overall goofball behind the gallantries. The original of Odore Hikikomori features Hiroki and Sekihan, of Happy Head NANIYORI also he was in the niconico scene a long time ago, both dressed in clothes that you may find very unlikely but 100% plausible. ●ygarshy smiles and then recalibrates his hair over his eyes to look like a dark souls boss faceless again. He holds his bass with the neck upwards, he’s reviving his high school orchestra club bass playing sensibility. Virtuoso. The high tempo of Wasureraneeyo’s songs is definitely on par with Hitorie’s, Rie's irregular metres, swapping, interchanging and 456 metres are monstrous, but the sheer volume of tutti and strumming in Wasure’s punk songs seems to be something else as well…! yganbare!! ●Also don’t worry about those missed minutes because Shibata crowd-surfs again. This time with cash in his hand a mission! Saying “I’m glad to be here! Take me to the cute beer darling!”, as he is driven by the hands of the compliantly ecstatic crowd towards a staff member waiting in the middle of the crowd, holding up your average beer! Shibata trades the cash for the cup, he orders everyone to gather under him, “I can’t stand up if you’re pushing my ass! Oh now I can thank you”, and at last he gains the support to stand up! On top of a crowd for God's sake he rises. To glug the beer like a food chain top predator of the wild. Then to slide back to stage while crying for his mom again.

●Hiroki physically shoves ygarshy around while they have the stage to themselves. Ahh how the tables turn, the kicker to the pushee. ●In his black robes ygarshy is just such a trance to witness play throughout… It’s really great in motion and as a whole I love dirty rock concerts. Music has to be heard, my lumberous lumpy text can’t convey those sound waves… So give it a watch if you may have free time to do so! Only if you can please! Source for comments and some info: https://skream.jp/feature/2019/06/muro_festival_2019.php More photos and videos can be found on their official twitter! Photos by Suzuki Kouhei woah...

#Watching the scene change from day to night was cool I want to go #The other bands are interesting enough they all deserve to be highlighted but my favoritism keeps me sticking here #ヒトリエ #ygarshy #hitorie

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itsthwippingtime · 5 years

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Fav bloggers and why?

dahskhkasj theres so many!! how am i supposed to,,, uhhh okay i love every one i do if youre not on this list it does NOT mean that i don’t love you

without further ado and in no particular order (okay I’ve noticed some are longer than others and if youre anything like me you’ll read way too much into that but please don’t i don’t mean anything by it i love you all so so so so much)

im so sorry for how long this is. every person tagged in this; i love you so so so so much and thank you so much for just being there for me and just being a presence in my life i am so grateful for our friendship. that applies to everyone, no matter if we’ve talked every day or never, i love you all so so SO much!!!

@anidiotwithapen - my first friend on this site (literally) and they live in Germany so we don’t get to talk as much as i would like cause ugh timezones but i love them so much, a walking disaster, the Clint to my Nat (wait am i Nat? have we discussed this yet?) the number of crack head canons that should be canon and ideas we’ve come up with like wow. i love them so so so so so so so so much. amazing artist like wow check out their art blog @neraidamira

@hraewordsmith - my babes my aunt i love her so much IM GONNA MEET HER ASJKDHASJKHDKASHJKA Rae is literally my rock one of the most supportive, loving people (persons?) I’ve ever met i love her so so so so so so so so muchdasjhkjajzkjashdjk

@keep-a-bucket-full-of-stars - Leah. my babes. an angel on earth i love her so much!!!! I’m gonna meet her too!!! so supportive and loving and encouraging, an amazing writer, an amazing person i mean what else can i say about her???

@starkravingparker - my wife!!! my name twin!!! Ava May i love her so much and I’m so so so proud of her she is so strong and amazing every day she faces demons and battles but she never ever gives up truly inspirational to me i love her so much and I’m gonna meet her one day maybe years from now but we’ll meet definitely and she’ll have to show me all her favorite places to go and things to do!! an amazing singer ( @starkravingava) an amazing writer ( @stparkerwrites) and amazing at making icons/edits/that stuff that i know nothing about ( @starkravingshuri) truly a talented wonderful person i love her to death. she deserves so much love and happiness and I’m so proud of her jsdajkdjlksa

@loubuttons - lou. what can i say about lou. the sweetest person ever. always there to love on you and encourage you and hear you complain and be there to rant and shkjadsahjkska i love her so much literally an angel i cannot,,,, an amazing painter and writer and just deserves all the love in the world i love her so much

@marvelbased SOPHIA I LOVE HER I LOVE HER I LOVE the Bucky to my Sam i could not live without her she’s constantly making me laugh i wish i could give her the world because its what she deserves i love her so much she always supports me and encourages me and we’re gonna meet one day too i know it ill die if we don’t!! dsjkhasjk i just love her!!!!

@cartwheelandfaceplant - we don’t talk much but i love them!!! everything they reblog, marvel or not, is the Quality Content i signed up for and at least a third of my likes is probably posts from them amazing blog amazing person just amazing amazing amazing!!

@tonyintexas - ah Taylor. my partner in crime when it comes to a certain person i love her and her humor its so amazing Taylor is literally crazy but the best kind of crazy and she honestly has me cackling i love her so much

@smallittlebee - the sweetest ever!!! we don’t talk much but literally so so so so so sweet and um CHICKENS!!!!!

@peterparkerisntdead - literally Gwen’s tags and semi vague shit posts throw me into a fit every time i should expect it but i never do i never know what to expect from her she’s like a hurricane so unpredictable sdaljkasdakjsd i love her k so much!!!!!! just !!!!!!

@irondadgroupie - IM SORRY I HAVENT REPLIED TO OUR HEADCANONS IN SO LONG IM SO SO SO SORRY if maybe if you don’t mind waiting until May? my exams are over mid-may and I’m gonna try to have the out before then but its really getting stressful over here and I’m just so sorry for all the shitty excuses and me ignoring you you have no IDEA how sorry i am. i love you so much i love the head canons we come up with, so so supportive and has always supported me with my writing, since the very beginning and it means the world to me dsjakjhsjak i love you babes!!!!

@imveryobservant - ahhh Jessie i love her toooooo!!!!!! we don’t talk a whole lot but when we do its always so much fun!! there are two (2) things that make me think of Jessie: thank u, next and the muppets (i also think of Gwen when i think of the muppets)

@lovelyspidey - LIXI!!!!! Lixi and i don’t talk a whole lot either but i love her so much and she’s like the one person i can freak with about Spider-Man PS4 (LIXI YOU NEED TO FINISH IT HAVE YOU????) and she’s always been there and supported me from the beginning i love her. also my go-to girl for Tom fic recs ;)

@drowningfandoms - okay but literally idk what to say because i remember seeing your URL repeatedly in my notifs at the very beginning, and like sending me asks and stuff and it was so strange that one person liked me and wanted to interact with me. and look how far our friendship has grown!! i love you so so so much!!!! I’m so grateful for you and our friendship and just your presence in my life

@underoosstark - this bitch makes some of the best videos i have ever seen in my entire life!!!! please watch them!!! ugh your mind babes!! we don’t talk a lot either but always amazing and supportive and loving and so sweet and kind andjaksdhjksahdjkashjksahjkd

@messedupfangirl05 - this bitch exposes me in the best ways i love her so so so much she is so kind and supportive and just so funny and I’m so so proud of her and everything she’s done. i love her and the way she writes and just EVERYTHINGS!!!!!

@tominhoodies - STEPH!!! BABES!!!! k i love Steph so much she’s an amazing writer and i love her so so so so so much she’s so funny sometimes she disappeared for days or weeks but i know she does it for her and its whats best for her and i respect and admire the amount of self control she had i love her so much okay don’t talk to me

@knife-wielding-tentacle - listen. if it weren’t for this bitch right here i would have never been introduced to the glorious head canon that is Winter Soldier!Peter and i love it so much (okay I SWEAR I’m gonna answer those asks soon but when have you known me to ever do anything on time) i love them so much jdsakjaskdjlaksjkaklsadjkl please never stop with the head canons they give me life

@adaisyspetals - DAISY!!!!!! i love daisy so much!!!!! she sends me pictures of her cat and dog and i love them too!!!! so sweet and so supportive and i love love love her writing!!!! agasdgjhsags just so amazing i love you so so so much babes!!!!

@mostly-marvel-stuffs - hi!!! we used to talk a lot more than we do now and thats okay but i miss you lots babes!!!!! um just an amazing person altogether i love them!!!! we once calculated how long it would be to do a Disney marathon with all most of the Disney movies so we’re gonna do that one day when we can stay up for a week straight (how long did we say it would be?)

@protecthefuckingbees - idk why they follow me cause they’re literally like the coolest and I’m like,,, not but i love them so so so much so supportive and kind and loving and sdjkhajdhjkahdajk i just love you sooooo much!!!!!!

@tomhollandswhore - we talk like every three days but i cherish those conversations, literally so sweet and kind and supportive and a New Friend cause we don’t know each other super well yet but i already know i love them!!!!!

@tonystarkdadmode - oh my gosh okay so sweet and so amazing and so supportive and just so amazing i love love love them!!!! i love their header (its so iconic go look) and just dsjkasjkdasjkhdsjkadsajk love you so much babes!!!!!

@spider-boiii - the creator of my icon, always has me cackling, super amazing, really nice, I!!!! LOVE!!!!!! THEM!!!!!!!!!

@spookyclooky - k amazing artist first off! also like the only person i can talk to about Detroit: Become Human and (possibly) other PS4 games (we need to play GTA online one day i feel like that’d be a lot of fun haha!!!) i love them so much they’re so sweet and very patiently put up with my incessant questions about DBH, as annoying as they were

@sup-mr-stark, @mysteryavengers, @death1by3thoughts, @tamaranianprincess, @tomhollandeu @tomhollanders2013, @ebonyheartnet, @avengvr, @anxieteandbiscuits, @theincorrectavengers, @spiderman-homecumming, @my-babies-are-ash, @she-loves-her-queens-of-whump - these blogs… we don’t talk a whole lot and i really wish we did, but we all just kinda stand by and support and love each other even tho we’ve had like 3 or less conversations BUT THEYRE STILL ALL AMAZING AND HAVE AMAZING BLOGS AND ARE JUST ALTOGETHER AMAZING PEOPLE I LOVE THEM!!!!

#this is so long #but i loved doing this #i love y'all so much #asks #avah answers #anon

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antistudyblr · 6 years

Text

things i learned during my first year of college

I’ve been home for two weeks now, and I’ve been thinking a lot about my first year of college and everything I’ve learned. I’ve definitely changed and grown into a better person in the last 9 months so here are some reflections on the most important things I’ve taken away from the experience.

It’s okay to be lonely (sometimes) because everyone is. This is the hardest thing to come to grips with, and I don’t think anyone at any stage of their life really understands it. It’s especially heightened in college, when it seems like everyone else is hanging out their their friends all the time while you’re sitting alone in your room or eating dinner alone. It wasn’t until I was talking to some of my first-year friends near the end of the year that I realized everyone feels these moments of isolation, no matter how many friends they seem to have with them all the time. It’s normal. But, if you’re feeling lonely or isolated from the community often or it’s in any way detrimental to your mental health, reach out to a friend or mental health professional.

Lower your standards or it won’t be manageable otherwise. I was in group therapy this year, in a group geared toward getting things done (helpful as a chronic procrastinator with ADHD). And while discussing me not finishing Spanish readings, someone in the group gently reminded me that I wasn’t in high school anymore. I was still getting good grades and participating in class; who cares if I didn’t read every page or used English aids to help me get through. Now this might be different for others--maybe you don’t copy out your notes until they're pristine anymore, or don’t work every problem til it matches the answer key. But college is different than high school. Depending on your future plans, getting straight As may matter less, and it’s definitely more difficult. You have to recognize that and adjust your study habits accordingly or you’ll be stressed constantly and not enjoying your new experience.

Please, don’t buy your textbooks before the first day of class. You’ve heard it before, but it’s a real issue. I know you’re excited, but save your money and sanity. Wait and head to the library for any pressing needs in week 1.

Find a professor you can talk to. aka go to office hours. My Literature Humanities professor has been an absolute gift; we’ve had amazing conversations about literature, politics, and life in general. She’s helped me through hard moments (like an issue with affording textbooks) and given me amazing advice. Having someone like this in my life has been indispensable. And guess what? I only connected with her after going to office hours. (An older friend can serve the same mentor role, but still go to office hours anyway. They’re more useful than you think, and you’ll need letters of rec some day)

Say yes to new experiences. Don’t do anything that will put you in danger or that makes you incredibly uncomfortable. But that club that seems cool and totally different than what you did in high school? Go to a meeting or fill out an application. Your friends are going to a party/concert/museum/something? Tag along and see what’s up. I joined our school’s blog, and ran for band board on impulse and it’s been some of the best and most formative experiences I’ve had so far.

Have some kind of reliable income. I didn’t have a job my first semester and it made my year so much harder than it needed to be. From buying spring textbooks to being able to do fun things with my friends in the city, I was so hindered in every way. Whether it’s a job or an allowance from family, having a small, steady stream of money makes life so much less stressful in the long run.

Make friends in class. I’m so bad at this, and next year I’m going to work on taking my own advice more. Having someone to do your homework with or get notes from when you miss class is so important. You’re going to miss (or skip) occasionally; that’s when you need it. They also make class(especially a bad class) more enjoyable!

Your friendships are going to take work and time. Unless you’re going to school with a dozen of your closest friends, you’re essentially starting from scratch with your relationships. Don’t try to push things too hard; it’s okay if you only have surface-level friendships with everyone after a few months. You have to be willing to be the one to make plans, open yourself up, and dedicate time to these new friendships (or romantic relationships). Reaching out can be hard and, it’ll take trial and error, but you’ll find what works best for you in this new environment and, hopefully, a great group of friends as well.

You will fail. It might not be a test or a class, but it’s going to come up eventually. I got rejected from every club I applied or auditioned for and it made my first month at Columbia hurt a lot. My summer internship search was a disaster and it was all my fault. You’ve got to pick yourself up after and make the best. It’ll teach you more than success ever did; for me, it was incredibly humbling and showed me where I need to work. Push past the “I’ll never do well again” toward the “Well, that was shitty. What do I do about it so I can make it better or it doesn’t happen again?”

Advocate for resources/what you need (your adviser should help). Colleges have so many resources: from free counselling to study abroad fellowships to lending libraries for low-income students. It’s all there for you. But you’re going to be the one who has to navigate these often confusing straits. Talk to older students and your adviser, who should have knowledge of all of these resources or be willing to help you look. If they’re not helpful or supportive (not just in looking for resources), it might be time to think about getting another adviser.

Ask for help. Whether it’s seeing a counselor to help your mental health, getting advice from a friend, or asking a professor for a much-needed extension, don’t be afraid to speak up. These people are here to help you, and most want to see you succeed. And if you get a hard-ass professor or a bad counselor, don’t let that be a deterrent to asking for a different counselor or an extension in a different class.

Talk to your roommate. Maybe you don’t want your roommate walking in on a heavy make-out with your significant other or you can’t sleep with the lights on. Know that whatever dumb rooommate agreement you sign at the beginning of the year probably won’t hold, and adjust accordingly. The important thing to remember is that the conversation is always ongoing and you have to speak up if something is bothering you.

It’s okay to change your mind. I came into school a political science and Hispanic studies double major and I was determined to stick to my path. But one day, at a group therapy session, I was complaining about my frustration at being unable to finish my Spanish readings for seemingly no reason and an upperclassman basically asked “Have you ever thought that you don’t want to do it because this isn’t right for you?” He basically changed my life in that moment and I realized that my plans can and should change. If I’m spending thousands at this institution, I should be loving what I study instead of trying to maximize my potential to sell out to finance or corporate law. As a first year, you have so much time. Don’t be afraid to admit that what you thought was your best plan when you were 6 or 12 or 17 isn’t working for you now and go for something that’s more rewarding for you.

I could keep going, but this is long enough. If you want to hear any more about my first year thoughts, experiences, advice, don’t be afraid to ask!

#isabel says things #isabel gives advice #studyblr #college freshman #first year of college #college life #freshman year #first year foray #long post #i might do a legit personal reflection later idk #enjoy this reblog it whatever

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