#i love you more than myself

[howifeltabouthim]

I'd rather have believed anything downright wicked of myself, than of you.

Ellen Wood, from East Lynne

#put on a pedestal #disillusioned #disappointed #i love you more than myself #esteem #quotes #high expectations #lit #words #excerpts #quote #literature #classics #betrayal #inspo #epigraph #ellen wood #east lynne

[inkskinned]

because sometimes there are invisible tests and invisible rules and you're just supposed to ... know the rule. someone you thought of as a friend asks you for book recommendations, so you give her a list of like 30 books, each with a brief blurb and why you like it. later, you find out she screenshotted the list and send it out to a group chat with the note: what an absolute freak can you believe this. you saw the responses: emojis where people are rolling over laughing. too much and obsessive and actually kind of creepy in the comments. you thought you'd been doing the right thing. she'd asked, right? an invisible rule: this is what happens when you get too excited.

you aren't supposed to laugh at your own jokes, so you don't, but then you're too serious. you're not supposed to be too loud, but then people say you're too quiet. you aren't supposed to get passionate about things, but then you're shy, boring. you aren't supposed to talk too much, but then people are mad when you're not good at replying.

you fold yourself into a prettier paper crane. since you never know what is "selfish" and what is "charity," you give yourself over, fully. you'd rather be empty and over-generous - you'd rather eat your own boundaries than have even one person believe that you're mean. since you don't know what the thing is that will make them hate you, you simply scrub yourself clean of any form of roughness. if you are perfect and smiling and funny, they can love you. if you are always there for them and never admit what's happening and never mention your past and never make them uncomfortable - you can make up for it. you can earn it.

don't fuck up. they're all testing you, always. they're tolerating you. whatever secret club happened, over a summer somewhere - during some activity you didn't get to attend - everyone else just... figured it out. like they got some kind of award or examination that allowed them to know how-to-be-normal. how to fit. and for the rest of your life, you've been playing catch-up. you've been trying to prove that - haha! you get it! that the joke they're telling, the people they are, the manual they got- yeah, you've totally read it.

if you can just divide yourself in two - the lovable one, and the one that is you - you can do this. you can walk the line. they can laugh and accept you. if you are always-balanced, never burdensome, a delight to have in class, champagne and glittering and never gawky or florescent or god-forbid cringe: you can get away with it.

you stare at your therapist, whom you can make jokes with, and who laughs at your jokes, because you are so fucking good at people-pleasing. you smile at her, and she asks you how you're doing, and you automatically say i'm good, thanks, how are you? while the answer swims somewhere in your little lizard brain:

how long have you been doing this now? mastering the art of your body and mind like you're piloting a puppet. has it worked? what do you mean that all you feel is... just exhausted. pick yourself up, the tightrope has no net. after all, you're cheating, somehow, but nobody seems to know you actually flunked the test. it's working!

aren't you happy yet?

#almost wrote the champagne line as ''effervescent'' but legit could not write it without saying ''effervescent like a snail'' #ah tumblr... #writeblr #warm up #idk . having trouble writing rn #ps i don't like to talk about it . it is my medical information. but before you ask. yes this is about being on the spectrum #i really don't like when ppl make my writing about how im [whatever ID]. i want it to ring true for the people who it rings true for #i don't want it to be like ''awwwww look at this person!!! she's the EXCEPTION!!! :)" ..... #no.... not really..... #idk something gross happens whenever i admit to certain conditions and i turn into like inspiration p*rnography #like yes they actually let us use keyboards these days #furthermore i just... dont feel comfortable talking about this part of me. i had too bad of a childhood. adhd is one thing... #this one im like. still coming to terms with. which is like. my own journey. #idk. just please be kind. some things are more private than others. this one feels private to me. #i do not know how to help others w/this . and i do not know how to help myself. i will talk about it if im ever ready. idk if that will #actually ever happen #ty in advance i love u im kissing you we are kissing somewhere on the spectrum

[notbrucewayne48]

"aphobia doesn't exist"

bitch literally not that long ago an aroace youtuber animator was insulted by almost half of its community for being it

#i did some research about it and found out that the problem was principally that she had previous experience in the romantic area #so people just didn't take her seriously and said she was lying #even though she stated multiple times that she wasn't comfortable in those situations #now things are more calmed but damn #mind your own bussiness #i believe she knows more about herself than you #sorry if i offended you with this comment but i hate how aro/ace/aroace people are always left behind #insulted and rejected because they “dont know what they are talking about” #or because they “just have to wait for the right person” #or because they are “psychopaths and they are missing something” #i love that animator and she helped me realise a lot about myself #and now that i know the context i think i will start making a list and killing aphobes one by one #aromantic #arospec #asexual #aroace #acespec

[sysig]

Permission to headbutt: Granted (Patreon)

#My art #UT #Sans #Papyrus #Ft. something smol and I do on a regular basis ♪ #This could be Handplates or it could be classic Undertale I leave that up to you lol #I definitely picked up a lot of the style quirks lol - but there are some of the ones that I like myself! Like Papyrus' darkmode clothes lol #And Sans' shorts having the stripe in the front haha - little details ♫ #Realistically it probably is Handplates tho just based on where my head's at lol - I love the Handplates dynamic :D #Handplates #I talked myself into it! Pfft ♪ #I found myself relating a lot to Sans especially while rereading - I want nothing more in the world than for my siblings to be happy! <3 #So I gathered up a bunch of ideas of things especially me and smol do together and this was the most obviously cute one haha #Easiest to do! Tho I did still go a little extra on this lol #I'm trying to do more digital stuff ♪ It wasn't the best art day and I'm still a little nervous to jump right in :') #Not doing any sketches on paper beforehand feels weird but I guess it is thematic in a way lol #And I'm still pleased with how they turned out hehe #It really does feel nice to be drawing them again <3 #And doing silly sibling things! Hehe #I dunno how clear it is since it's so ingrained into how smol and I talk to each other lol family language! #One of us will literally just announce ''bonk'' and the other will prepare for/lean in for a headbutt haha #She is a tiny bit taller than me - it's not quite /this/ extreme but she does lean down for me! S'cute <3 #I like to think Papyrus would do the same hehe ♪ Let your lazy brother headbutt you! He can only reach so far! #On minimal effort anyhow hehe #It's just a fun way to be silly together ♫♪ #Also yes I did show this to her and she cosigned lol - ''Cute'' -smol

[welcometogrouchland]

[ID in ALT] I've made posts before about Talia/Dick co-parenting Damian moments (will never happen but let me dream) and this came to me in a vision. Took me ages to finish for some reason 😭 and then even longer to post

#dc comics #dc #damian wayne #dick grayson #talia al ghul #batfamily #dc robin #nightwing #anyway. yes im a self-indulgent ''dick as damians secret third parent'' truther #like i DO think it's way more complex and nuanced than the schmoopy affectionate fan portrayal of it #they're brothers they're father and son they're partners they're the dynamic duo except only in past tense etc etc #but consider! I'm not immune to schmoopy affection in fanworks. it compells me despite itself #anyway it's technically not that crazy when it comes to dick and damian. they hug! often! at least they did #it's not as big a leap to these types of scenarios #also talia ''somewhat absent for complex reasons on both her and damians part but very loving and loved by her son'' al ghul #you will always be famous to me #son of the demon origin...bwahhh #anyway. someone made a comic kind of like this/like a post i made abt this topic #but way funnier bc dick and talia starting trying to beat each other up #so go look at that as well #anyway. it's been a somewhat difficult few weeks so I'm. desperately trying to take it easy #i got some reading with me (first vol of kevin smiths GA run that i found second hand and jaimes BB run vol 2!) #so we'll see how far i get through those. considering there's demons in my head telling me to re-read things (LET ME OUT!!!) #when i finish GA and BB i do plan on rereading robin 2021. as a treat to myself #it's a run I've really warmed up to as time went on #I'm keeping up w/ the current b&r run even though it is. admittedly very slow w/ some weird dialogue #i read it for the damian content more than anything. also nikas back so that's neat :] #idk I have a feeling that after absolute power shakes out we might get some more creative team switch ups #so if anyone at dc is interested in taking over the reigns on b&r...that could be very neat #(it's me they should hire me. please DC i have ideas listen to my red hood pitch PLEASE-)

[blackkatdraws2]

Happy 4/27, Stanley!! [Blank Scripts AU/shitpost]

#tsp blank scripts au #do you like cat :D #i LOVE THEM SO MUCH #also the fact that I showed more little quirks of their characters more in this shitpost than I ever did in my 'serious' works #I'm gonna shit myself im gripping my hair and clawing the walls #why do I do this to myself #anyway happy 427 everyone! #we love you Stanley #the stanley parable #the stanley parable ultra deluxe #tsp #tspud #tsp narrator #narrator tsp #stanley tsp #tsp stanley #tsp au #my drawing museum

[starch1ldz]

Spencer Reid and his non bau partner. He always let's you know when he'll be home, especially if he'll be very late, sometimes he gets in at 4 am and he knows you'll be asleep, but the living room light is always on so he doesn't come in and stumble over something in his exhaustion and urgency to get to bed where you're asleep waiting for him.

It started off a few weeks into you living with him, he tripped over one of the many pairs of shoes kept by the front door and made a bit of a ruckus. It gave you a heart attack and you came out of the bedroom with the gun your father had insisted you have thats kept in the safe with Spencer's own gun and his credentials. When you realize it's him you sigh and lower the pistol, flicking the safety on, as you level him with an accusatory look.

He laughs nervously. “Sorry, love.” he mumbles as he slips off his beat up converse, pushing them into place next to yours.

You roll your eyes, but it's all good natured as you pull him into a hug, setting the gun down on the table where your house keys go for the time being. “It's alright, next time tell me when you're coming home and I'll leave a light on.” You say softly, as you press a kiss to his lips.

#starchildz blurbs #this is a little more than an imagine #keith youre doing too much #WELL I DONT CARE #i love how no one acknowledges the fact that i talk to myself in my tags #criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid criminal minds #dr spencer reid #im mentally unwell #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x you #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x male reader #spencer reid x gn reader #bau x male reader #bau x reader #criminal minds bau #bau team #bau #criminal minds x male reader #criminal minds x gn reader

[turtleblogatlast]

Leo getting hit with a truth curse but instead of forcing him to admit to super sad or worrying things it’s things like “it was me who broke the remote” “I saw Mikey prank Donnie and helped hide it because it’s way funnier if he didn’t know who it was” “I rip my clothes to look more like Raph’s because he’s really cool” “my stripes aren’t even red they’re pink!”

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt leo #rise leo #plot twist he COULD be admitting angsty stuff but he’s pushing the less oof truths forward instead on purpose #raph: hey leo what do you want for dinner #leo: *about to bare his soul on all his internal torment but pivots* I’m afraid of snakes #(no but fr Leo’s stripes being technically more pink instead of red is cute ngl) #(a very reddish pink to the point that in certain lighting it looks red but at the base they’re p pink) #(i also am very fond of the idea that Leo doesn’t just have questionable taste in fashion he also just loves Raph a lot and looks up to him) #but yeah I think that something like this would be 99% Leo admitting to unimportant things or admitting to how much he values everyone #like they all KNOW Leo loves them and he’s talked them up enough for them to know but it’s different when he’s like #‘I just wanna read my comics with you guys around - it’s my favorite place to be’ #or again just random bs that doesn’t REALLY have a lot of weight like #‘I like using my portals to prank random people around the world’ #‘I’m worried about being a bad influence on hueso jr’ #‘sometimes I kinda wanna see hypno’s plans succeed’ #‘it’s been way too long since I found this out and honestly it’s embarrassing but I actually don’t have a di-‘ #SORRY COULDNT HELP MYSELF #(<-but did u know that that pink rather than red observation actually ties into this headcanon as well if u know about red eared sliders)

[sneez]

pathologic but it's a lost 1920s german expressionist film [id under cut]

[id:

image 1: a digital drawing of a fake poster, using bright colours and rough, painterly brushstrokes. the title, 'pest' (german for 'plague'), is written at the top in spiky black text. in the foreground a man dressed as a tragedian is staring intently at the viewer, his hands raised and splayed as if in horror. in the background, the town is framed against a red sky, with the polyhedron in yellow behind.

images 2 and 3: fake casting sheets for the film, with the names of the actors and the characters they are playing above a black-and-white portrait photograph of them. all the text is in german. in english it reads: 'Pest', a film by Robert Wiene Alfred Abel as Victor Kain Ernst Busch as Grief Lil Dagover as Katerina Saburova Ernst Deutsch as the Bachelor Carl de Vogt as Vlad the Younger Marlene Dietrich as the Inquisitor Willy Fritsch as Mark Immortell Alexander Granach as Andrey and Peter Stamatin Bernhard Goetzke as General Block Dolly Haas as the Changeling Ludwig Hartau as the Haruspex Brigitte Helm as Anna Angel Brigitte Horney as Maria Kaina Emil Jannings as Big Vlad Gerda Maurus as Yulia Lyuricheva Lothar Menhert as Georgiy Kain Asta Nielsen as Lara Ravel Ossi Oswalda as Eva Yan Fritz Rasp as Stanislas Rubin Conrad Veidt as Alexander Saburov and Tragedian Paul Wegener as Oyun Gertrud Welcker as Aspity

image 4: four digital sketches of set designs for various locations. all are strongly influenced by expressionist imagery, using extreme angles, warped perspective, and dramatic shapes. they are labelled 'street 1' (a street lined with houses), 'street 2' (a square with a lamppost and a set of steps), 'polyhedron exterior' (the polyhedron walkway), and 'cathedral interior' (the dais at the far end of the cathedral).

image 5: four digital drawings in a black-and-white watercolour style, showing fake stills from the film. all are similarly distorted and lit by dramatic lighting. the first shows katerina's bedroom, with katerina standing in the centre of the floor. the second shows the interior of an infected house. the third shows daniil staring out of the frame in horror, one hand on his head and the other raised as if to ward something off. the fourth shows an intertitle with jagged white text reading 'the first day' against a dark background.

end id.]

#pathologic #artwork #conrad veidt #(i know there are many other actors but i dont have tags for them my bad) #anyway :D this has been my brain project for the past week or so i have been thinking about it so much #i have so many more things i want to draw for it but i am trying to hold myself back. for the sake of my Wrists #also obviously the cast list is way whiter than it should be for pathologic but german expressionist cinema was not particularly diverse an #i was trying to go for realism so apologies for that #i had so much fun with these i dont normally draw locations because i prefer drawing people but i found it so much more enjoyable #when i could mess around with the perspective and make stuff look wacky. thank you expressionism i love you expressionism #also it goes without saying that i was most heavily inspired by the cabinet of dr caligari (which is why i went with robert wiene. he would #do such a great job i think) #i hope you are all well my friends :D kiss you

[ewwww-what]

an archdevil and a presidential candidate sneak into a gay bar

flatcolor + closeups below :)

#they love each other so much you guys don’t understand #they’ve lived together for years. they have seen each other at their worst. #THEY HAVE CHOSEN EACH OTHEROVER EVERYTHING SO MANY TIMES #ITS ALL ABOUT FRIENDSHIP #ITS ALL ABOUT THE PEOPLE YOU LOVE #ITS ALL ABOUT TAKING CARE OF EACH OTHER #my brother just brought me fettuccine alfredo #which is an important addon to this post #(it’s all about taking care of each other) #BY THE WAY #I understand the ‘they are sisters’ response to lots of my bad girls posts but I need to make it so clear that it’s more than that #not to be that guy because I do get it but I’m in a constant state of twisting myself around my art to avoid some things #and something I get a bunch is people seeing things as either ‘they’re siblings’ or ‘they’re dating’ when neither was my intention #because what I’m trying to get across here isn’t romantic and it’s not really sisterly either. love is such a wide range beyond that #+ and I want those types of love to also be understood within my art y’know #all that to say that it’s not that deep and they love each other very very much any way you slice it #d20 #d20 fantasy high #dimension 20 #d20 fanart #fantasy high #fhjy #kristen applebees #fig faeth #fig fantasy high #kristen fantasy high #kristen chilis applebees #fantasy high fanart #undescribed #my art

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

"See you tomorrow"

MDZS Disco Elysium AU part 4 [prev parts]

#better drawn mdzs #MDZS Disco Elysium AU #mdzs au #Lan wangji #wei wuxian #yiling laozu #Happy Belated Halloween! #digital art #Thank you all for your patience as I drove myself into a madness only known by those lost at seas alone. #I put a lot of time into this one! It's not perfect but I am very happy with it + I am so happy to put down the tablet pen. #Digital art has some nice features but I'm sticking with traditional! I need a month to recover from the 2+ weeks of torture. #Okay lets talk about the AU and the comic now #Disco elysium has some of the best existential-horror-dream sequences I have ever seen. #The dialogue here is heavily inspired by The Final Dream - A scene I'd love to talk about more were it not so heavy with spoilers. #My AU is a lot more complex than a simple character swap but I really felt like LWJ + YLLZ fit this scene. #The final dream is about being unable to move on from a lost love. From something You made holy. From something You ruined. #It is about realizing that no matter how smart you are or what you offer or how you try to change - #You will never be able to turn back time. You will never ever be able to fix what is broken. That you also have been broken for a long time #You are a fuck-up who worships the nail covered ground of someone who did not want to be holy. And even though it hurts- #You cannot let this nightmare go. The pain keeps the love close. It is worse to forget. You promised to remember. #WWX died thinking LWJ disliked him. LWJ lost someone he thought was revolted by his love.

[eggsploded]

cant keep their quadrants straight

#the solkat was in fact not out of my system #really funny kismesis dynamic because its not actual real hate rather than a synced temper tantrum between the two #their pitch flirting was pretty weak anyway #i hate myself more than you hate yourself NUH UH and im better at you in smash bros #then karkat meekly asks if theyre still friends and sollux tells him to shut up and boots up a show on discord to watch together #pitch hatred based on the other guy knowing too much about you and caring really hard about your wellbeing and its embarassing #love. its love #homestuck #egg art #solkat #sollux captor #karkat vantas

[bixels]

While I do think anon was rude, I do think it's pretty shitty to set up all this stuff you were going to add the au and then just drop it. It's disappointing. Definitely unfollowing.

Bye.

#ask me #anon #once AGAIN. #I am not dropping anything #the au is not getting cancelled. more than likely i'm gonna take a break from it until i find motivation again #But I've been drawing the AU for half a fucking year #In that time I've only drawn 5 things that aren't mlp related #I'm getting tired and my last few posts didn't do as well as I'd hoped #And I'm not about to burn myself out on mlp au art even if I really do love making it #I'm still gonna make comics. I have a bunch of ideas. #Tulli and I still wanna do the limited run merch shop #Discord is still coming. Sunset is still coming. Sombra is still coming. I have so many ideas #But I need to do something else for my own sake. Did you know I was supposed to get the background 6 designs done by now #But I didn't because I'm TIRED #I've been keeping myself on a schedule to keep content pumping despite travel and school and family and I'm tired #what i'm getting isn't matching what i'm giving and that's nobody's fault. i'm not frustrated at anyone. a slump was bound to happen #drawing the au was fun until it become my Thing. Because when your Thing––your identity––starts to faulter #it can really make you freak out #And that's not healthy for the project or for myself. I need to find the fun again and I'm sure I will #I'm really appreciative of everyone's support in my inbox and replies it really does mean a lot especially given that about 2/3 of my #followers followed for mlp. But if you're gonna react to me saying “i'm gonna cool down on mlp art and draw my own stuff” with “i'm #disappointed in you." then Leave! I think it's good you're unfollowing #you are not obligated to stick by my side! But don't act like I'm doing you a disservice by turning my attention elsewhere #I didn't promise anyone anything and I definitely didn't say I'm breaking any promises.

[sysig]

Those wacky skeletons ♥ (Patreon)

#Doodles #UT #Sans #Papyrus #Handplates #You can tell because of Sans' gloves lol #Getting-used-to-them-again doodles as well as just expressing Feeling <3 Happy towards them! Want them to be happy too! #It might seem silly for these - how many sets in now? - to still be getting used to drawing them again lol but it's because they're adults! #Their clothes and the way they hold themselves - but also especially Sans lol I dunno why I have such difficulty with him at times #He's got a cute face and I still find myself like ????how your face #Other than that tho it's just silliness hehe ♪ My favourite lads :D #I feel the need to make the distinction: I do actually have different favourites based on the AU lol #Like for example in classic I still love Flowey just a tiiiiiny bit more than Papyrus but it really is constantly neck and neck #Whereas in Handplates it's no competition even a little bit lol - Papyrus is just my Very Favourite #But Gaster is my favourite Handplates-specific character since he's unique to the AU! It gets a bit in the weeds lol #Sans isn't far behind at all of course the trio are very important! The duo even moreso imo #Going back to gloves tho I did carry over one of my quirks from my original UT doodles about Papyrus' gloves lol #I initially envisioned them as combination mitten-gloves with a free index finger and all the rest together #I still rather like the design! But it is admittedly not Handplates accurate lol #The occasional dip into self-indulgence who me? Lol #Sleeping on each other is important to me as well!! It is such a favourite hehe #Honestly I just imagined Papyrus getting so exhausted that he fell asleep in the snow lol poor lad #Sans teleported in but it's also funny to imagine him just walking up like ''you good? yeah he's fine'' *flop* haha #Silly lads <3 Do love 'em ♪

[redheadmoony]

everytime regulus calls james 'baby' my life is suddenly okay. yes this fic is tearing me apart but we got reg calling him baby. suddenly it's all okay.

#regulus black the man you are #yes im a reg kinnie #yes i love james potter more than myself #all the kudos to zar because this is so so so fucking good ahh #crimson rivers #regulusblack #jegulus #james potter #regulus black #wolfstar

[bacchuschucklefuck]

I know a normal amount abt waistcoats

#fantasy high junior year #riz gukgak #heard americans call those vests. deranged. thats not what that is #riz gukgak is a character made to target me specifically bc I am aroace and I love drawing formal menswear more than god #tho Ive been giving riz hard sole shoes which. wouldnt be good for stealth #I wear those I know. you can hear that shit through a meter of concrete #probably less important in a setting with real actual magic so its fine. but its something I do think abt #this kid is so fun to draw... its a Problem for me. I have to force myself to do my goddamn job knowing I could be drawing him instead #its a curse. I have to treat myself at the end of the day. sucks to be here so much