#ill love these kids more than theyll ever know!

[the-trans-dragon]

The longer I am alive, the more my brain replays that scene in Lilo and Stitch where the scientist is watching Stitch fret around at night, and the scientist says something like, "poor thing, doesn't even have fond memories to keep it warm at night" or something

As a kid, I didn't realize how comforting memories could be, and I rarely had the luxury to create them.

I am glad I survived. It would have been easier, with fond memories to comfort me during painful times. I have many now, though, and they are indeed good company.

#i wish id sat in more trees and watched more falling stars and snuck out to watch the first colors of sunrise over the river more often. #i wished id understood how to make friends. i wish i could have been vulnerable enough to make friends. i wish surviving hadnt been a #constant struggle. it is what it is. sometimes when i was a kid id wonder if my future self would have more love for me. id ache for it to #be true--for someone to know me and still love me. and i love that younger version of myself so much. they did so good. it all hurt so #terribly but they did so good anyways. i am very proud of them for fighting through the bad things so i could find unimaginable happiness. #like life is still really hard but like...idk. i never knew id ever have a comforting friendship. i never knew someone would love all of me #its so precious to me--to exist here and now with a wife and a partner and a cat. to cherish my body and view it as a ally rather than a #nemesis and failure. this has been a big year for Learning To Be Gentle With Myself and ive found such a quiet restfulness. its peaceful in #my brain when all of the terror settles down and allows softness and quietness and gentleness to exist in my brain. #sorenhoots #and i have memories that are so warm now. they grow like a struggling garden but they grow. someday theyll grow like weeds i hope. ill do my #best to keep planting them.

[idkimjustexistingsblog]

I love flowers

I have alwaysed loved flowers.

Dead or alive they masterpices

Sculpted to a deliicate beauty

Im alwasy jelous of other kids at my conserts

The kids who get to go up to their parents and get hugs and told how good they were

That they are so proud,

Getting handed bouques of flowers

Turning to their freinds and talking about how amzing that was

Or what ever kids talk about

I rember my mother promising a young me about how once i go into music we will go get ice cream

Just like she did with my brother

We never did

I never got to turn around and talk about how amazing the night was

I just wnet home wiating for the hug and for my family to look at me and truthfully say that i was amzing and that they are proud

But they dont understand

And i gues i can't fault them for that

I always hope that that night will be the night they smile and give me hug

Telling me their proud

That that might be the night my mom rembers how much i love flowers and ice cream

Rembers that i am still terified

Rembers how much i hat thee light

But I know it's not deep deep down

Its not like i can't be grateful that they try

That they've been their

Its more than some parents do

Sometimes i jsut wish they do one of those meaningless things

Like flowers

Like a small menaingless gift

Sometimes i think how when i get a car i could just drive to a flower shop

Than i will geet myself a bouques of the prettiest flowers their and that ill cry

Becuse i alwasy feel like crying when someone dose somthing simple and sweat for me

When they give me a compliment , they actually have to think about

When they remember something I forgot, I told them long ago

When they do somthing small and menaingless

Only doing it becuse thye know i like it

I love flowers

I love picking them myself

I love the mmeorys of my grnadma giving them to me and being so happy and proud

I love knowing that i finaly made someone proud that pushed myself and they noticed

I liking thinking that one day theyll notice me

I hate knowing thatll never happen

But flowers are still pretty when theyre dead long after their use

So maybe i can be beautfiul to

#my poems #poetry of tumblr #writers of tumblr #my writing #original writing #poets corner #slam poetry #flowers #music #singer

[drpeppertummy]

it's not just a want but a NEED. a lusty, dusty desire I have for Dark Sunny Lore

You Sicko . The Dark Sunny Lore [warning for illness death suicide self harm child abuse/neglect etc]

his dad never wanted him bc he only wanted 3 kids & sunny was an accidental #4. was always very open about not wanting him bc hes a shitty old bitch

additionally sunny was sick all the time & frequently in the hospital (asthma + other respiratory ailments) & dad was resentful bc he never wanted this sick kid taking up all his time & money

his mom was super loving & wonderful but she died when he was like 12. she died from some kind of respiratory situation & the question of Was It His Fault And Will It Kill Him Too is always in the back of his mind

not long after mom died his dad tried to passively let him die too by refusing to take him to the hospital when he was really sick. his sister giuliana finally took him after coming home from school one day & seeing how awful he looked

was good about being in the hospital as a kid & was always like the nurses little darling bc he was such a sweetie but now has a medical phobia bc in his brain its associated with all that misery & pain & fear

outside of his home life pretty much everyone always liked him & he always had a lot of friends & was popular etc but nothing ever made up for the damage his dad did to him mentally

he knows people like him on a superficial level bc he knows hes cute & charismatic on a superficial level but hes scared that if people get close to him theyll realize hes just annoying & hate him

secretly terrified that his friends hate him & are just tolerating him

prone to bouts of depression, often spirals into a terrible mental state if he stays up late. Night Brain hits hard esp when its mixed with rsd

when he was in college he tried to kill himself by taking a bunch of random medications with a bunch of vodka & it made him sick & knocked him out for a while but miraculously didnt kill him

he woke up in the same spot he left himself in & realized nobody found him or noticed & therefore nobody could care. wanted to tell someone so bad bc he Needed somebody to care & hug him & say they were glad he was alive but he was scared to bc he thought theyd get mad at him or think he was too much or not care since he was "fine" so he just peeled himself off the floor took a shower & went to class like nothing happened. his professor scolded him for coming in hungover

(he eventually told gray about it years later & gray held him & gave him that years-awaited love & care & it was like a soul-healing moment for him)

(gray knows more about him than anybody & he worries about him a lot & sunny feels bad for worrying him but he also appreciates that grays always there for him)

as a kid he would bite himself a lot if he was upset/frustrated/overstimulated & he still does sometimes but only when hes alone. its almost like a reflex & if anyone saw hed be mortified

once in a while tho he like actually cuts himself. if someone asks what happened he gives some absurd excuse like "i got mauled by a bear" & refuses to elaborate bc hes scared & ashamed

hes trying to get better but he almost certainly will attempt suicide again someday. he wont succeed but he Will be so so terrified that his friends are gonna be mad at him for it when he comes to (spoiler: they wont be mad at him)

apart from gray his friends dont know the extent of his mental health problems bc he tries to keep it to himself bc he doesnt wanna worry them & bc hes ashamed & afraid they wont want him anymore. the most they really see of it is him being moody sometimes

once in a while somebody will see him break down over something & they know his dad sucks & they know he misses his mom & they can piece together that hes gotta be hurting but hes usually so bouncy & bubbly & cheery that they dont realize how bad it is

#message #xsunnyx

[sheprzia]

Ive learned that you really gotta sit there and try to comfort yourself and learn to deal with things on your own- not because you aren't deserving of help or because someone shouldn't help you through hard times but because people suck.

Theyll pull this tough love bs not realizing what a complete and utter cunt they look like when you are clearly going through a lot and have probably explained that many times.

It would probably be fine, maybe even meaningful out of a stranger but coming from someone you love and trust? It just feels like an attack.

It is a breach of understanding. It shows that they don't know you, they don't understand you. They will not give you what you ask for because they think they know better than you.

Don't waste your time. Don't sit there and try to explain that their advice won't help your situation because xyz- otherwise they'll just get mad and tell you you're ungrateful.

Just comfort yourself. Be there for yourself. Be your own friend because you can't truly know anyone on this earth.

(more ⬇️ )

Come to grips with the fact that at the end of the day you may only be left with your self and that has to be enough.

I've hated myself since day one of my life but I had no reason to. It was because of the way I was treated. The way I was shamed and looked down upon. Gum on the buttom of their shoe.

I even got beat up on the bus as a kid. A girl came up out of nowhere while kids were throwing 🧀 in my hair and starting punching me in the face and just- beating the shit out of me.

I screamed for help but none came.

She beat my ass to my bus stop.

And what for? To this day I have no idea.

People have always been abusive towards me.

But that is no reason why I should look inwards when I know I have spent every waking moment trying to be kind and good because I believe that's the way people should be and I have been through TOO MUCH to consciously inflict pain on others.

I could talk for hours. I used to be quite the writer as a kid. And when my mom got mad I would write her letters soaked in tears- and when I stopped being able to cry because of the stress and truama I started dabbing it with spit.

She ripped up the letters. The apologies. All of it and I lost my ability to write my feelings on paper. I can't even keep a journal. I just feel dread when I try.

Though maybe that's for the best given how mentally ill I am. Don't need a paper trail...

I'm sure you get if you're still reading that I'm going through it. I've been jerked around too much. I spent my entire life doing my best while many times actively trying to 🛑 living.

If you're going through it too I want you to know no matter how small you think your problems are or how big, it's okay. You don't need to keep asking yourself if the way you feel is valid. You are.

You're not alone either. I've been through almost everything under the sun. If you ever need to reach out I'll reply. I promise I will. If it takes some time it's because my app and Internet is stupid but I will listen.

Anyways. Thanks for listening to me go on.

Therapy doesn't do shit for me but I feel sharing my story does some how.

[irl-ichi]

sure i suck at moving on but i truly honestly 100% believe no one will ever love me like that again. they say you dont appreciate what you have until its gone but not me nuh uh i was constantly aware of how lucky i was to have such an amazing partner and i told him that all the time. i was always surprised by how amazing things were and how happy i was and wondered why i was allowed to be that happy and loved. i also know everyone thinks theyll never get that again because theyre mourning but IM right 😤 are you kidding me? i know what im like! one of the things i was constantly amazed by and grateful for was that he put up with me! but he didnt just put up with me he actively nurtured my recovery and talked me through things and helped me get better... i know thats a lot for someone to do esp if theyre still healing themself. i dont expect anyone to do that for me. i know im more work than im worth and thats why im so sure ill never have that good again

#ichi mumbles

[icharchivist]

i got super emo today and was rereading a transcript of the winter chapters and actually properly absorbed the whole mentions of hisoka saying sorry to august, and there being the "im watching you, december" - apr. and ive got my thinking goggles ON. more points added to the chikage hisoka assassin cult each day. is hisoka december???? is chikage wearing his jacket??? is chikage april??? after all he SPECIFICALLY appeared in the my masters mesmerized by mystery event.... which is the winter troupe one where hisokas the lead..... like clearly hes not just itarus buddy showin up to support. anyways i realize that you're unable to answer any of what i say up here, its mostly just there to demonstrate ive got my thinking cap on SO. ill have to add something that u actually can reply to. i've been fiddling with this concept lately of tenma and yuki ending up at the same university bc i think like. these two are children with other passions than simply theatre and at some point they are gonna yknow. go off and do other things. i think itll be at a point where its good for them to do so and everything, so like, its not like theyll have left mankai completely but yknow. mb a more infrequent presence? and tenma will end up there around the same time as yuki bc he is a world famous movie star who maybe doesnt go to uni at the normal time. but he also does want to be normal i think. i 1) think itd be hilarious because you have this dynamic of yuki being like. why is this hack here. i am starting my cool fashion life at college... why is he here. its kinda weird that someone who knows me so well is here. and tenma is also like wow its also really weird that my roommate is here. yknow. and then everyone else is like "wow you two are besties aren't you" which they hate. but ALSO i think its abt like, you think you have to "grow up" and leave your found family but actually they are always going to find you back in some weird way. and everything in a3 is abt blooming with each other so like making your way Back There... its not a bad thing. something like that. ok that was my point 2) and however many # of points i had there as well lol... ALSO ALSO lately i have been thinking abt how the color of yukis eyes is the same as tenmas hair (i love juzas eyes as they are but if they were orange then he tenma and yuki would make a perfect secondary color trio....). anyways i think yuki would absolutely rebel against this. are u kidding me tenmas hair is the color of an anemic tangerine. me i have brilliant sunset eyes. we are nothing alike muku how dare you (and then muku apologizes so much that yuki relents but he is still internally furious and randomly threatens to dye tenma's hair later that week, to much confusion) but eventually its like... so they are the same color. so we are the same color in one way or another. so very many years down the line that is not gonna be an insult but a comfort. or something like that, im rambling, haha.

OWOWOWOWO HI HI HI

of course i can say nothing, i'm keeping my mouth shut. You have hhh, 5 events left to finally start act 2 main story so. so we'll see when we get there. You're closer to it than ever but. yeah.

And oooh i love the concept! Technically as the year pass you do see more characters go to uni and stuff (like on the JPN server the timeline is that 3 years has passed since the begining of the story, so…..) I could see the two of them go to the art university a lot of the gang is going to tbh, like, Yuki for fashion and Tenma for further acting…

"1) think itd be hilarious because you have this dynamic of yuki being like. why is this hack here. i am starting my cool fashion life at college… why is he here." this is so funny bc with Tenma being older, Yuki being like "why are you here" would just have Tenma going "??? I WAS GOING HERE FIRST????" but yes everyone can see they're besties. and i do love the idea of them "making their way back there" sobs

on 2) THIS IS SO FUNNY. Yuki rebelling about the colors is killing me. Poor Muku just pointing it out and Yuki having to conceed.. it's so much.

This is really funny, thank you for sharing :3c

#god i love them #ichafantalks a3 #ichareply #aranarumei

[batarangsoundsdumb]

guess fucking what? my inbox is so fucking full right now i'm unloading all of this shit in one post.

For the 11th gotham memes: gothamites react to bruce being jacked in a tiktok he made with kids, like super yoked, ripped as hell

fucking hilarious thanks. i think i did it in one meme post, but i genuinely don't remember which one

i dunno which of the batfam would do this but one time i was sleeping over at a friends house and ended up on the floor bc the bed was so very small and i just stayed there because the rug was soft

that's a drunk jason move i don't know what to tell you

tim and jason are "i listen to pop punk" solidarity. whenever jason highjacks the batmobile theyll go on long ass car rides blaring mcr and paramore and then never talk about it again

as they should!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! tim: no jason it's my turn using the aux cord i gotta put on my jams jason: don't you dare put on weird shit tim: don't worry, you're gonna love this *plays fearless (taylor's version)

hear me out hear me out, red hood stans 🤝 nightwing stans t h i g h s

holy shit yes.

SNL au: Bruce breaks character when pretending to superman and says something like "I'm not superman! You've seen his gps!! It's from 2001!!!" @sabeanybabe

superman flies past the snl building the next day just to say 'actually it's from 2005, i'm not a heathen'

does your back hurt from carrying the batfam fandom

it hurts more from the exotic rock collection i keep in my backpack, but thanks for the concern.

I love your posts by why would you always leave the best parts in the tags?

as a treat for the people that check the tags ;) (and also because i'm committed to the short post aesthetic)

somehow your playlist was everything i never knew i needed. i mean it. this is my new favorite playlist.

and don't you dare get a new favourite playlist!

babe ur stoner tim playlist is exactly too perfect, earth is literally blessed by ur existence

babe thanks so much! i love my stoner tim playlist because it's just my usual playlist but people think it's an artistic choice that i put taylor swift and britney spears in there, when it's just what i unironically like listening to

JANDKSKDK BILLY RAY CYRUS ON THE STONER TIM PLAYLIST I LOVE IT IT

again it's not even an ironic choice, i know every single word and i genuinely like the song

The last chapter of Fundamentals of Casework has me crying at work. Thanks I love it @dudelookitsalesbian

oh babe, i'm sorry, but also, not sorry i love chapter 4 so much it's my lovechild with the 'mental illness' tag

soooo....stumbled on your tumblr by some stroke of fate??? read your DC fanfic first. which is PHENOMENAL btw. then found all the batmemes; the funniest thing EVER bc everyone forgets about regular old gothamites. kept scrolling and your blog pops up as recommended. clicked on the ao3 for shits and giggles and waddaya know?!?!? it's YOU!!! you're LEGEND!!!! ever seen that meme? it's a video of a cat that got into a baseball field and the two announcers get really invested in his escape attempt and start giving a play by play of the cat instead of the game. memeable moment: "GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!"

i seriously think about this ask every single day and it's so fucking funny to me that i've never seen the meme you're referencing, but i still find myself going 'GREAT stuff from the Cat!!!' whenever i see something funny. but wow i'm glad you liked this steaming pile of garbage

Fav dc character overall? And fav batfamily character?

don't ask me to pick between the loves of my life, but i can tell you i've cried about every single batfamily member and also wally west (my beloved)

What's your opinion on fans having a problem with batfam being "too big"? And some even claim that batfam is just "Bruce Alfred Dick Damian" and the rest of them are just "friends and allies" (source: reddit) Personally, I like batfam because of this reason but idk

stupid. a family can never be too big. i'm not that big a fan of like huge batfam stuff with everybody from every single universe, because as much as it's funny for bruce to have like 30 kids, it just feels a little too OOC for me.

This is the best tag I've seen involving the batfam, thanks for thinking of it

This is canon now @nctxrejects

lmao yeah i think at that point alfred has had to sit through like at least a dozen coming out talks and just has a pride flag collection in the attic that he pulls out whenever a kid comes out

idk why batfam hits different as compared to any other superhero family

bc it's found family and usually the other superhero families are almost all genetically related in one way or another

I don't know if you watch the umbrella academy but I saw your last post about batcest and saw the similarities. But the thing is (although I think it's weird) in TUA, they addressed it by saying "they were raised as weapons, not siblings" or something along those lines, which is simply not the case with batfam.

yeah i watched tua but i also thought it was ridiculous and they still treated each other as siblings so i didn't like the luthor/allison thing, and am glad they stopped doing that shit bc it fucking sucked.

Hot take: Batcest shippers are the same people who believe adopted siblings are not actual siblings

smoking hot take: batcest shippers are the people who watch 'my sister got stuck in the washing machine' porn

Duke was adopted by Bruce?

not technically no, but do i, tumblr user batarangsoundsdumb, look like i care?

True story but I had to change my freaking name because it used to be "Damien" and most people would go "OH LIKE DAMIAN WAYNE" like please I'm just tryna live

true story, but i don't actually think of damian when i hear the name damian, literally the first thing that pops up is damian darkh like bruh what?

apparently dc comics company supported comic stores by giving out new titles and stuff during the beginning of the pandemic to help them run and I just think that's wholesome

ah yeah that's so fucking cool, still don't like dc, the company, because this world is a capitalist hellhole and we're all owned by warner brothers or disney with no in between.

ayo looking at tumblr head canons and finding out bruce is actually a terrible father is a punch in the gut

lmao yes, in like 50% of comics bruce is a terrible father and it gives me whiplash

oooh I just saw the jason todd vs winter soldier post and the real question is: batman vs iron man

while iron man has like hundreds of cases of armor, batman could throw out an emp and have the guy dropping out of the sky in 2 seconds.

dickfast = fastdick = quickdick = quickie

magnum hot take

hey bata(?) just thought I'd let you know I have copied the obnoxious emoji and Billy Ray post for use on simping men going forth

thank you 😘🌷 (@spacebarsidecar)

why would you do that to your followers???? i get why i did it, but why would you???

what is scarecrow made the nightwing funko pop himself, like those diy-ers that paint over other ones

oh god no, horrible take, horrible take, that's a disgusting thought oh no

I see your HC that Bruce and Oliver fucked and raise you this: Dick and Roy ALSO fucked

yes they did and it was a horrible moment for jason to find out dick has fucked both of his best friends

"at this rate bruce adds like 1 child to his family every decade or so" Duke is introduced in 2013, Damian as Damian, not as an unnamed child, in 2006. And he is already 14 years old, Robins rarely remain Robins after 16 😬 It looks like a new Robin and Batkid will appear in a couple of years

i mean i can't wait? but somebody will probably die first tho, we're due for another major character death. my money's on either cass or duke this time.

BRO you're so right all of your Bruce's ex headcanons are amazing but they aren't ships, that's kinda wild. Like I don't want any peeks into how their relationship was I just want to see everyone make fun of them

lmao YES it's just i love bruce being a slut, like good for him.

I am in love with your posts your honour thank you

omg thanks are we like,, gonna kiss now?

The justice league needs to have a meeting to discuss how many of their members/partners have slept with bruce. Because through a combination of cannon & fannon (if DC wasn’t homophobic) we have AT LEAST: 1) clark 2) lois 3) oliver 4) dinah 5) john

Thats not counting villains or random civilians @dudelookitsalesbian

yes yes yes, they'll have a yearly meeting about how many of their collective exes could be out for revenge and batman's list just keeps getting longer.

tim was like "i'm drake now" and everyone was like ahh so your fursona is a dragon and tim was like pffffft no. ducks.

and what about it?

when steph's fighting livewire and she zaps her with lighting and nothing happens and then they both just. stand there awkwardly for a second and talk. yeah i couldn't stop laughing at that batgirl steph is the BEST

oh yeah that was fucking hilarious and i think it would be so cool and sexy of dc to give steph a little comic series,,, as a treat

Hi I absolutely adore all of yours "Bruce and Oliver very badly pretending they didn't fuck each other" memes

lmao i do too

I need you to know that “Bruce Wayne had frosted tips” is one of my favorite Bruce takes of all time it’s so galaxy brained. you’re right and you should say it

he also painted his hair blonde once when he was travelling and in conclusion, this is why he's being blackmailed by the gotham gazette.

you know my thing about gordon being branded as the only good cop in gotham is its a load of shit like arguably he's a good person and not working to screw people over or anything but the fact that he also works w. batman makes him a shit cop. like yea batman is better than the mob but its still illegal its still an abuse of power he just not making bank

babe, all cops are bad cops. (but yeah youre absolutely right, working with vigilantes makes you a shit cop, but also working against vigilantes just makes you an asshole cop yanno?)

ruh roh i think i’m about to add “so not yeehaw” every time i don’t like something

that's a very good vocabulary upgrade

somehow i feel like steph already knew. like babs obviously knew but i feel like bruce got high/drunk in front of steph and started telling his boarding school stories and steph was just like “oh you fucked up i’m never gonna forget this”

steph and bruce have weird uncle/rebellious niece dynamic and they just hang out sometimes and bruce will be like 'i once broke my arm when i tripped over a hedge when i was drunk so oliver drove me to the hospital on an electric scooter' and steph will just have to sit there with that knowledge in her head.

Hello I just wanted to tell you you are So right in all your steph opinions bc she is, in fact amazing and I think that's very sexy of you. Ps. Your Bruce/Oliver fic is hilarious

babe, thank you so much and yes steph is amazing and i love her and she deserves the world and she's the best member of the batfam hands down. also thanks

In Supersons we see a couple of kids that are implied to be Damian and Jon's children and the boy has laser eyes and can fly, so I asume he's not adopted. The girl, who calls Bruce grandpa, can also fly, btw. So it's canon (probably by accident) that Jon can have kids and he must have married one of Bruce's kids. (I'm hoping for Damian, mostly because any other of his children would be waaaaaaaaaaaaay too old.) @artemisa97

lmao that was probably an accident seeing as jon is a 17 year old superhero in the year 3000 (by the jonas brothers)

You know, I'm a die hard fan of your memes, but I gotta say one thing: if Gothamites actually took gas mask everywhere with them, then the Scarecrow would just be a weird dude in a weird costume, and not a villain oh so scary. DC really should just takes notes from you.

bold of you to assume there's no gothamite anti-maskers

How does it feel being the funniest person on this app?

horrible, next question.

I can't listen to Green Day or Billy Joel without thinking of your post about how Bruce got arrested at a Billy Joel concert @nightwings-kid

yeah that's your mistake, i on the other hand can't enjoy billy joel without thinking about the glee rendition of 'uptown girl'

I've FINALLY been watching the Batman animated series and I gotta say, after watching "the gray ghost" I am CONVINCED that Batman is a closeted super hero geek who was 100% freaking out the first time he met Superman and is just REALLY good at hiding it.

superman: so what do you do in your free time? batman, thinking about the superman fanfiction he's writing on the batcomputer: i have no free time

bruce and oliver be like boyfriends to co-workers 401k (do the justice leagues get 401ks??? not that bruce and ollie would need them, but-)

lmao yes just 400 thousand words of bruce realising 'oh dip oliver is such a fucking dumbass' (also i don't know what a 401 k is but i assume they don't?)

Gothamites would totally boo superman as he saves Gotham while batman is out. @meenje

he's like 'okay think about that next time you want to be saved from an alien octopus'

I just took long break from dc comics and I come back to see ric grayson ??

i think it's very cool and sexy of dc to see dick and just think 'you know what? let's just give him a traumatic brain injury' and then didn't develop his character in any real way

SPEAKING OF RIC GRAYSON, gothamites making confused memes out of ric grayson is much needed

'dick grayson is my taxi driver? can anyone explain what the fuck happened he looks like an italian plumber?'

i hate to say it but batfam are def "marvel characters" in that sense they are characters who are human but become superheroes unlike most dc characters who are gods trying to be human maybe this is why I like batfam

fair enough

#this is only like half of it #but at least you can get like a few answers #yanno fuck it #bataranswers #ask #asks #anon

[hobie-brown]

autistic (modern) hiccup hcs because I'm autistic and I said so:

- he sits on the floor more often than at any tables because uh hello his cat Toothless sits with him so immediate win but also like sometimes tables are so distressing so Floor Time it is. Rapunzel does not have any qualms about joining him, and Merida and Jack are always lovingly amused when they see it happening.

-he has a pair of noise cancelling headphones that Gobber got him after he witnessed Hiccup's minute distress among his fellow Berkians. Hiccup loves his friends so much but god can the twins and Snotlout get LOUD sometimes, especially in crowded places like mess halls where hes already at risk of being overwhelmed. I imagine Snotlout would be a little butthurt the first time Hiccup puts them on around him but Astrid would thoroughly make sure he understands that its not an "about you" kind of situation.

-On that note, Astrid is also autistic. Her and Hiccup might set off each others sensory issues a lot but there's no ill will there(maybe a little initially but...). ND sees ND. Respect. Astrid would be relatively better at masking than Hiccup and have struggle indicating tone/intent, so she'll 'clarify' things that go over his head but not in that hand-holdy or condescending way non-autistics tend to do. She's just incredibly blunt and that's well matched for Hiccup.

-Fishlegs(third autistic in the friend group) and him have a kindred brotherhood of infodumping to each other at all times. Theyll start a conversation with "okay, SO" and still be talking about the intricacies of so and so obscure fantasy novel's worldbuilding for boat mechanics two hours later. Not even like how it relates to the story, JUST the worldbuilding of boat mechanics. Their convos can get so specific that everyone else involved is lost but their passion is admirable. Hiccup and Fishlegs trade interests back and forth like hot potatoe because they get so very enthusiastic to share with each other.

-Touch repulsion thy name is Hiccup. Even though his love language is also touch(Nightmare!!) He's particularly uncomfortable with people touching his hands or his back so I like to think he's partial to thick vests and riding gloves for that reason. The layers can block out most of the discomfort and he finds other unique ways around his affection predicament. Generally the only people allowed to touch Hiccup without asking first are Astrid(who doesnt do it often to begin with), Rapunzel(like.... who can deny her very good bear hugs? plus shes very good at reading boundaries), and Gobber(this feels self-explanatory but it probably isn't.) And Toothless but he doesn't count. It's easier for him to reach out to other people when he sets the level of contact as opposed to vice versa.

-He had that dragon mythos popup book when he was a kid and it stuck so dragons are his longest and most withstanding special interest. He's constantly fascinated by how cultures from other sides of the world, completely separate from one another, managed to come up with similar folktales and creatures. He's just so in love with the concept. He even has multiple sketchbooks filled back to back with sketches of them. And doesnt even consider himself much the artist type, that boy there just really loves dragons. (He refuses to admit he named his cat after his dragon OC he made when he was 11 but I mean if you know Hiccup you know this. It's a basic fact of life)

He also loves lizards and most cold-blooded pets because they're basically dragons already(Merida has a stockpile of photos of komodo dragons she found online that she'll send to him when she knows hes not feeling well.) Their scales are very good for touch and they're such calm and relatively friendly lads that I think Hiccup would be naturally drawn to them. He would probably die for Pascal. Rapunzel declared Hiccup the godfather of her gecko once, jokingly, and he got so happy he cried.

Other long-running hyperfixations I think he'd have are dinosaurs(Reasoning: basically real life dragons just extinct. He's seen every land before time movie 10x over), map-making, D&D/Tabletop games in general, and invention in broad categories. Most of his fixations are spurred on by doing research on the history of said interest.

He happy stims less with wide arm movements(he talks with his hands a lot but not stims with them. important difference? not at all, I just like projecting) but more by like, tapping his feet in place or bouncing. When hes especially excited or overjoyed he dances!!! It is rare but it is a great sight. His more common/catch-all stims are chewing on all his sketching pens, biting his finger nails, ruffling his own hair, hooking his fingers on his earlobe, and the leg bounce.

Personally I can see him really liking the sensory feel of long hair, combing his hands through it and all that. When he was a little kid he loved giving Stoick's beard awful little viking braids. Tuffnut, Ruffnut, and Rapunzel(And sometimes Eugene, when it's long enough) will frequently let him braid theirs because hes good at it! Merida does not fuck with braids or ponytails or any of that, but he's free to play with her hair since, hey, its Hiccup, and hes very careful not to tangle her curls or ever tug. He also ruffles Jack's hair a lot because his spikes are gravity defying and it makes Hiccup snort.

#rotbtd #none of the dragon riders are neurotypical also actually #its midnight and im dying so i dont know how much this makes sense im just very emotional over this hc

[jujutsu-headcanons]

Yuuji is 100% a himbo and is so incredibly dense that it bothers everyone. Like how can one boi be this dumb??? this pure?? then theres Sukuna, the total opposite but yuuji def grows on him. (not like they have a choice since theyre stuck together but still) Also Yuuji and Sukuna 100% have a weird fam/sibling bond dont @ me. Theyll fight abb stupid shit n get into really petty arguments and I wholeheartedly believe that if Yuuji ever holds someones hand sukuna will lick them for shiggles.

These are canon because I say so

If people think that I'm Gege-sensei's secret tumblr then I have that power

Did you know I had to Google what a himbo was when I joined the jjk fandom because literally everyone calls him that? And when I found out what the word meant I couldn't stop? Like seriously his picture is next to the word in the dictionary. I hate him, and I say that in the most endearing way possible. He's an absolute idiot, and I seriously think it's because he's mentally still a child. If you wanna be technical, kids mature kinda fast these days. By the age of fifteen we usually think we're adults, and some of us even have to think/act like adults. But Yuji wasn't really exposed to anything (that we know of) other than his grandpa being ill and being hospitalized. Now I can speak from personal experience, that can make you mature pretty quickly. I think if we look at the differences between chapter one and now he has matured, but he still holds on to his childlike nature. Honestly he was probably given this personality to further Gojo's hatred of training shamans so young and "robbing their youth" to just prove his theory further. Even Megumi, of all people, can act childish because he's kinda still a kid too, he was just exposed to way more shit as a kid mostly Gojo and it made him mature faster.

And you're right about Sukuna. They're literally living the non-romantic trope of "opposites attract" and he hates it so much. And I won't argue with anyone on this because you're 100% right, Sukuna has grown fond of Yuji. He hates it. He calls it going "soft". He literally acts like he wish he possessed anyone else but he loves the brat.

I like to think Sukuna isn't hostile all the time. Like seriously, he's pretty angry for an old man but he has to get bored some time. I like to think one night he woke Yuji up in the middle of the night to learn about the modern world. "show me that little box thing with the light on it. Yea, your phone. Show me pictures." You can't tell me he isn't curious about what's happened in the past thousand years

Wait until he finds out he has his own wiki page you know he wants to know what people think of him. Just a sassy Sukuna going "oh that is so not how it happened!!"

And when he gets to know more about the modern world chaos ensues. "Yea yea that Jennifer bimbo is cute but have you seen Scarlett Johansson???" And all the sudden Yuji is just having a one sided argument because did I mention Sukuna is still in Yuji's head and it looks like he's just talking to himself

Not to mention they argue about stupid shit like "this is our body now brat please stop stuffing junk food in it" and "can you please stop talking about cheese Sukuna i have class in like three hours" and it's just a riot

I have this headcanon about Nobara toward the other boys, but I feel like Sukuna has the whole "yea this is my brat I beat him up and belittle him but he's MY brat I'm the only one allowed to tell him his hair looks weird shut UP" they would so be brothers in another life

I think Yuji gets touchy when someone's upset "let me love you!!!" "Uhhh do you need a hug?" "The best I can offer is a rub on the back" so he does hold people's hands often and Sukuna licks/bites then sbd does not help at all. I also think if Yuji covers one of the mouths with his hand he gets licked/bitten, and Sukuna probably steals food out of Yuji's hand just to make him sad. Sukuna torments this poor child

Sorry for typos and shit I'm writing in s hurry and my keyboard decided to stop autocorrecting half way through lmao

EDIT: I feel it important to mention that I'm making a separate list of headcanons that's just gonna be Sukuna and Yuji snd all the shit they do to each other and shit it's gonna be hilarious

#.ask #jjk #jjk headcanons #itadori yuji #jjk itadori #jjk yuji #yuji itadori #long post

[jeagerism]

i think im lost again

+ word count : honestly idek, ill take a guess at maybe nearly 700-800?

+ characters : levi ackerman, armin arlert, mentions of eruri and eremin (armin and levi r not shipped fuck out of here)

+ warnings : season 3 attack on titan spoilers, mentions of death, modern!au, levi is basically a dad without being a dad (does that make him a dilf??), angst i suppose

+ summary : erwin was always good at this, levi thinks. people stuck to him like glue.

+ author's note : this is just a personal modern!au headcanon that i ranted to a friend abt and decided to make it full out

in modern aus i see eren as looking up to levi, bc he ooks up to him in the manga in some ways, levi cares abt his wellbeing n shit

well armin, since he was chosen to live over erwin, he'd look up to erwin in a modern au

and when erwin dies in that au bc ofc he has to die, armin is still a teenager.

i like to think that they all lived in the same town as kids, and erwin always looked out for armin since he had no one else other than his friends. 

he basically lets armin live with him when he's not with eren, who also has no family and sort of couch surfs between jean and sasha - sasha's dad loves eren for whatever reason so he stays there a lot, and welcomes armin and mikasa with him - and so erwin and armin r close

and levi is always around, so he sees armin a lot, even if he takes care of eren more - he lets eren stay at is house on nights when he feels like hes overstayed his welcome at sasha’s.

but levi still cares abt armin bc he sees how erwin cares abt armin and levi is in love with the blond facebook dad

but erwin died when armin is like 15, so he still needs someone to look out for him

and erwin asks levi to do that, bc he trusts him and knows levi would take care of him just like he had  

anyways, he asks levi to take care of him and levi does

but armin is a 15 yr old who just lost yet another person who cares abt him 

and even tho hes grateful that levi cares for him, he misses erwin so much. 

he acts out bc of it bc hes a kid going through trauma and its what kids do. he starts acting even worse than eren and eren is a fucking demon spawn

armin and eren share a room, even tho levi had two empty rooms so they could have their own, and eren has stuff in the other room but armin doesn’t like the dark so eren stays there with him.

and levi isn’t really good at taking care of kids in the traditional way. 

he wakes them up every weekday for school by telling them he'll kick their ass if he has to take them himself - but he'll still drive them when it rains or its cold  

he doesnt really know how to cook bc erwin always did that, but his notes app is full of recipes erwin always recommended that were easy to follow bc he was always worried that levi always ate too much cold leftovers from days before and noodles

armin knows hot to cook pretty well bc erwin taught him but he enjoys laughing at levi failing at cooking simple shit - he burned water somehow

but levi still tries so its fine

he tries letting armin know hes welcome, and that he can ask for whatever he needs

he'll leave him lunch money on the counter

and when he notices armins jackets getting a little too short around the wrist he drops a new one by his lap when he sits on the couch

he pulls the blanket all the way to his chin if he falls asleep on the couch.

he'll mention he's going to get a haircut when he notices armin's hair getting longer, and says he can go with him if he wants

but armin still acts so off. 

before erwin was gone, armin always acted happy, even though he never had much, and levi feels guilty knowing he cant do what erwin did for him, but he's doing this for erwin, and knows erwin wouldnt have put armin in his care in the first place if he didn’t trust him

i see taking care of armin as the task that keeps levi going, just like how killing zeke is what keeps him alive in the anime.

both promises he makes to erwin and wont give up on until he’s fulfilled it

but one day armin just disappears. he doesnt come back after school with eren like usual. so he and levi try calling him and get nothing. eren offers to go look for him and levi tells him to stay safe n waits back home to see if armin will show up there

and he does like 5 mins after eren leaves. 

and levi feels his chest just deflate with relief. it was cold outside, and armin was out there alone. 

his cheeks and nose r red from being outside for so long

when levi asks where he's been, it comes out harsher than he meant, but its just bc he was worried, and armin rolls his eyes and asks why it matters

levi tells him its bc he's a kid and doesnt get to just disappear without a trace whenever he wants. levi never minded armin doing whatever he wanted - within regulation - but most times he knew eren was with him, or mikasa, someone who would call him if something happened

and armin says “you're not my father.” and starts taking off his jacket and stuff

“yeah, but i am the person who's taking care of your ass.”

and that seems to make armin a little more ticked off than he already was, bc he turns to levi and says, “well i never asked you to do that.”

to which levi replies without thinking, “no but erwin did”

levi and armin never talk abt erwin, ever.

its like an unspoken rule between them. its not that they arent as comfortable with each other - they arent anyways but - they just dont do that, talk abt how they feel abt erwin, and him being gone

armin looks like hes gonna cry before he just says “well i wish it was erwin that was still here instead of you”

ALMOST AS IF HES SAYING HE WISHED IT WAS LEVI THAT DIED INSTEADDD

and levi is suprised that armin would ever, it hurts a little, and he just nods in agreement and says “me too.”

armin doesnt say anything back to it, he just turns and makes his way to his room, slamming the door behind him

and levi is exhausted. in his head he wonders how erwin had done it - balanced college and a job and a fucking teenager 

but then he remembers that erwin was erwin, and hed always been good at that type of thing

people stuck to him like glue

thats the first night he lets himself admit that he misses him

he feels like he’s failing at the one thing erwin asked of him

when eren shows back up, levi apologizes for not letting him know that armin had came back

but eren just tells him that armin had texted him when he’d arrived - i have a hc that eren and armin were each others first crushes but uhebdbsi

he tells levi that armin had said hed went to the beach

erwin used to take armin to the beach all the time before he died

he’d collect shells with him, and the ones that armin really liked, he’d give them names

he still has one called smith from the last time erwin had taken him to see the ocean

a few weeks go by after that

they never really talked before, but now it seems almost even worse

the silence that they normally exist in feels empty

but everything felt empty without erwin

eren lets levi know where theyre going to be whenever theyre not home, when theyll be home, etc

levi never asked for him to do that, but he does it anyways

levi’s thankful for the near suicidal maniac at that point

even though he always was

he saw a lot of himself in eren, and he sees a lot of himself in armin too

levi and armin never really apologize to each other, but one night when levi’s attempting to cook, armin walks in the kitchen and watches him place things on a pan

“you’re putting them too close together.”

armin steps beside him and tilts his head to the side, as if hes gesturing for levi to move

and he does, letting the younger and taller boy move the prerolled croissants further away from each other on the baking tray

“they never wouldve cooked all the way through like that,” armin tells him

with a scoff, levi mumbles that he sounds like erwin

armin pauses for a second, before sliding the pan in the oven. levi tells him how long the packaging said they went on so that he can set the oven timer

armin sets it for two minutes longer, and levi’s heart aches

erwin did that, too

“i miss him”

it slips out without him meaning for it to

and he thinks he’s ruined armin’s head again, when he’s supposed to be someone this kid can look up to

but he doesnt leave

armin just leans against the oven and nods “me, too”

after that, things arent bad anymore

sure, it takes awhile for them to completely warm up to each other, but they manage

enough that armin sits in on levi’s cooking sessions just to point out what hes doing wrong - something that helps, bc pretty soon levi is learning

he cooks him, armin, and eren an entire meal without burning anything

eren laughs when armin tells him that the man had forgotten to grab an oven mit and had stuck his entire hand in the oven to grab a pan

levi raises his eyebrow when he notices the way armin blushes at eren’s laugh, of all things

and they talk abt erwin more

they have more to say about him that eren, and its just something the two of them share, so they tend to save it for little moments, tiny snippets of things that remind them of the blond

after about a year, things are good

armin asks to have his 17th birthday at the beach, and who would levi be to say no

levi doesnt particularly like the beach, he detests sand, but its for armin, so he’ll do it

its for his kid

him and erwins kid

at the party, he finds a smile coming to his face when he sees armin actually laughing and having fun

kid had been through too much hell at 17, so he deserved to be happy, even if it was only for a few moments

on their way home that evening, eren and armin passed out from a day of swimming and running on the beach - levi made the both of them bring extra towels to save his car seats from salt water and sand

eren’s head is on armin’s shoulder, and the blond’s is resting atop eren’s head

when they get home, the two of them trudge towards their room, but armin turns and holds his closed fist out to levi

with a raised eyebrow, levi holds his hand out and lets armin drop something into his hand, before the boy pivots and continues his shuffle to his and eren’s shared room

levi glances down at the object in his hand

its a shell

armin names it erwin

#attack on titan imagine #attack on titan #aot #snk #shingeki no kyojin #erwin smith #levi ackerman #armin arlert #eren yeager #snk imagine #aot imagine #shingeki no kyojin imagine #eruri #eremin #aot headcanon #snk headcanon #hc

[theholyyuunoaduck]

Reasons why i hate mikaela hyakuya

@gurensangel @chaoticgaymess sorry i know you wanted me to repost your post but its easier just starting my own and making my own hashtag so incase anyone else asks me about this i can just look for the hashtag and send them this

Mikaela is honestly one of those characters i desperately and i mean desperatly tried to love i mean his kid self was so so easy to love and want to protect and hell i cried a shit ton for him and his past his problems everything but the reality is mikaela is a toxic person and here im going to be explaining everything as clearly as i can though im sure that everyone has heard most of these arguments i also have some most people wouldnt even consider

Why is mikaela toxic? Well simply said when you have one person and only one then its obviously going to be an underlying mental health issue now you could say other characters are similar to mikaela within that regard like every other vampire but heres the thing we dont get to see much of the other vampires so im more or less apathetic to those vampires and their actions however in accordance to mikaela we have watched his actions since day one and his chemistry with the rest of the cast of owari no seraph what grinds my gears isnt the fact that mikaela acts with violence and distrust towards everyone but the actions that the rest of the cast have taken towards mikaela and his inability to react differently towards those same exact characters aka shinoa squad

Shinoa squad has never once treated mikaela with prejiduce with agendas or anything of ill will since day one the fact that shinoa basically is the cause of death of many of her comrads during the nagoya arc where mikaela attacks the jida troop (and yes it is a troop considering that after reading pannel after pannel theres upwards to 20 soldiers who the majority of which are equiped with standard blades unlike the protagonists you know basically cannon fodder) but my problem is the fact that in that chapter shinoa instigated their betrayal to save mikaela from the rest of the troops shinoa's life was threatned straight after acknowledging that this could be the last she ever layed eyes on yuichiro by letting mikaela escape with him first threatened by a random soldier and then right after rika inoue and by her superior narumi makoto and shinoa the fucking chad she is just took all the punishment because she knows damn well that it is her fault her comrads died because of her distraction to allow mikaela to escape eating away the precious time guren baught his soldiers to run away and escape and how does mikaela respond? He tells yuu to abandon them it doesnt take a genius to say that betrayal especially to the hiragi family is met with death even if mikaela doesnt understand the rules and regulations of human law i doubt vampire law is much different meaning he knows damn well shinoa could lose her life for betraying the army for his sake and not just shinoa but her entire squad

I already know what youll say "but but mikas a vampire he has no emotions" bullshit absolute pure fucking bullshit of an argument considering the fact yoichis mention of the word family/freinds was cause for pause for mikaela and not just mikaela look at ferid look at crowley theyre all so vibrant and brimming with personality and emotion and i am damn well sure no one disagrees this could just be kagami's writing and forgetting about this plotpoint

The fact that despite this mikaela is a manipulative fucker we all know yuu is a dumbass no one can deny this the fact that mikaela is willing to point his sword towards yuichiro and threaten him his so called beloved speaks volumes about mikaelas ego his straight up ego thinking that he's the only one that could be right after all mikaelas the wisest of the bunch right i mean after all everyone of his other decisions was followed through with outstanding results anyone? Anyone? Thats right not once has the squad or especially yuichiro listend to mikaela and do to that fact everyone is alive and kicking examples? (This is also an example of manipulative mika) Mika: Yuu abandon shinoa because if she's as great as you say us sticking around will only cause her trouble you cannot tell me that isnt mikaela trying to twist yuu's feelings for his family to abandon them because had they listened to mikaela shinoa would have been impaled by the chains kureto produced to awaken the seraph of the end

And almost right after that same situation upon mahiru injuring yuu awakening abadon mikaela high tails and runs away carrying yuu and we actually see a pannel of shinoa squad scrambling for saftey straight up abandoning them again and going so far as to yell that he is yuu's only family despite all the other shit

Alright so lets play into the whole mika doesnt have feelings dont you think that having no feelings would make your sense of judgement all the better? And if so with all the evidence and actions of shinoa squad why in Gods blue earth would he basically act like an actual dick towards shinoa who saved his life risked her life for him as if shinoa is the sole reason yuu is in the prediciment of being possessed by yuu?? Isnt that the least bit infuriating??

On next of we shouldnt listen to mikaela in the same arc again mikaela suggests lets leave shinoa squad to face off against crowley AND FERID with this bullshit of "theyre after us theyll just ignore them" i mean are you kidding me? Ferid the man youve been with for 5 years is going to not have the time of his life killing a bunch of teenagers for the simple fact that if yuu is running away and leaving them.they must not be important to him therefore easy pickings for him

Lets not trust guren after all he's just using you he doesnt care the man loves that boy like as if he was his son and you can argue against me with this some time later but alright lets give mika the benifit of the doubt so obviously in mikas infinit wisdom his set course of action is killing him infront of yuichiro??? Really??? In front of him?? Killing his father infront of yuu man that just speaks volumes about how mikaeala only cares about the feeling he gets with yuu rather than carring about yuu as a person

Imo mika cares about how yuu makes him feel rather than who yuichiro is what do i mean by this? Its simple mika doesnt give a damn what makes yuu happy hell mika would cage yuu up if it ment keeping him safe and alive but is that really living? Its cruelty if i adopt a dog feed it and give it water but never play with it and isolate it thats basically animal cruelty

Anyway back to mika trying to kill guren just right there yuu begs mika to stop and grabs his arm pulling him back and what does mika do? What does he do? He lops off yuu's arm the one that was holding mikaela back from attacking what makes this scene even worse is i had so much hope for mikaeala because the last battle they won mikaela said the thoight of losing his.comrads made him dizzy what happened to him not having feelings? I lived loved loved that statement i imagined uncle mika to yuus kids being the best man to yuus wedding begging to be the one to make the wedding cake so so so so so many au's based off those little words and right after removing yuu's limb from him kimizuki and yoichi step up for guren weapons drawn and mikaela threatens them?!?!?! I mean honestly how fucking hypocritical can you be how big is his fucking ego???

Ill end it with this point because i have work in the morning i Still have another 20 bullet points i want to add but im starting to think i have artheritistis in my hand because my fingers hurt so much but anyway my point being mikaelas character contradicts yui's in an unhealthy way while yuu's character trait is to run towards danger to be a hero mikas is to run from danger its basically a tug of war and the thing is the story so far has actually turned out well for the cast running into danger for yuu made the 6th angels trumpet to grow silent destroying all of the four horsemen monsters and letting humanity take a huge step towards rebuilding but had it been mika's way theyd have run right out of that building never to see it again my point is if someone pulls and runs towards something and another character ties a rope to them and runs the other direction that tension will cause nothing but problems instead of running forward with the protagonist in order to keep them safe and actually contribute into the success of the mission

Also like the hashtags say this is only part 1 because as i said i have to sleep and my hand is killing me i should have done this earlier when i had more energy in order to bring along all the sources like the chapter and page where you can find these exact moments along with photos of said arguments/bullet points

#owari no seraph #seraph of the end #yuichiro hyakuya #shinoa hiiragi #mikaela shindo #mikaela hyakuya #reasons i hate mikaeal hyakuya part 1

[sarah-writes-marvel]

Imposter: Avengers x gn!Reader (1/2)

S.S: I have alot of fics stashed away so Im just gonna kinda post all of them within the next few days. I know not many people have come across my acount so.... Anyways feel free to message me. Ill try and figure out how to make a masterlist so if people actually like my stories theyll be able to find them easier..

Warnings: None, a little itty bit of angst i guess

Word Count: ~1270

MASTERLIST    Pt 2 

==============================================

Brooke Huntington.The newest member to the Avengers. Has the ability to read minds and is an empath. Easy on the eyes, kind to anyone and everyone and yet she gave off an untrustworthy vibe.

She had been a SHIELD agent for the last 4 years before she finally revealed her “secret” in which Fury decided to put her on the team since Wanda was absent. Obviously the guys all feel head over heels for her. It took Nat a week until she trusted her.

Her powers worked through touch, so if she had brushed past someone, noticeably making contact, she’d collapse into emotional shock. Though, being the trained mercenary you are, you noticed the micro-touches that no one else did. Nothing ever happened when her shoulder brushed against someone else's or her finger grazed over someone’s knuckles.

Whenever she collapsed it was usually in front of a few of the men on the team, sometimes with Nat present, but always in front of the guys. You would watch her actions and she would purposefully place her hand closer to the hand of Bucky or Tony, and their fingers would brush over hers and she would collapse causing a frenzy amongst the team. But whenever it was just you and Nat around she would practically hug herself to avoid contact.

The team never listened to your reasonings that she was lying through her teeth, which in turn made you the outcast of the team. But you’d rather be the outcast than be fooled with her lies. It honestly made you sick to your stomach to see the guys coddle her every need, even Nat clung to her which she never did. 

On her first day, Brooke had made the mistake to reach her hand out to you as she introduced herself,immediately retracting it and tried to cover her mistake with a lame excuse. Ever since then you've barely shared more than 20 words. She avoided you and you continued to observe her, picking up every micro-movement she made.

=============================================================

“Come on Y/K/N, Brooke’s making breakfast. She makes godly pancakes.” Steve gushed as he stopped at your door on his way to the kitchen. You could see Bucky and Sam behind him fighting about who she’d rather go on a date with.

“I’ll pass. I don't like pancakes.” you said returning to the open book on your lap. 

“Whatever you love pancakes! We always had them after hard missions. You made them!” Steve exclaimed.

“Ya well, I don’t like them anymore,” you replied blatantly.

“What’s up with you kid? You’ve been acting off ever since Brooke joined the team.” Sam pointed out, pausing the battle of attraction with Bucky.

“Ya, we haven’t really seen you since she moved in,” Bucky added.

“Weird,” you said, emotionless, trying to get past the paragraph you've been stuck on since they arrived at my door.

“Come on. Come have breakfast.” Steve pleaded.

“I’d like to keep my appetite, and I know that if i join y’all downstairs it's gonna be you guys gushing about how good of a cook she is or whatever.” you said, finally turning the trio standing in my doorway.

“Are you jealous, doll?” Bucky mocked. You rolled your eyes at his accusation.

“Get out. Go eat breakfast. I’ll think about coming down.” you told them.

“She’s definitely jealous,” Sam whispered, loud enough for you to hear. You pulled a knife from your side table throwing it at the three, embedding it in the doorframe.

“Get out,” you said again sternly as they looked almost terrified.

The three of them practically ran down the hallway, leaving you to yourself once again. The silence of your room was broken by the hungry grumble from your stomach.

“Ugh.” you groan. “Fine. I’ll go get breakfast but I’m not eating her damn pancakes.” You marked my page and walked to the kitchen.

You gagged at the site once entering. Everyone was cooed and gushing over how Brooke flipped the pancakes, perfectly cooked on each side. You rolled your eyes and moved behind the group to the pantry.

“Hey Y/K/M, want some pancakes?” Brooke asked in her sticky sweet voice.

“It’s Y/N and no thanks. I don’t like pancakes. They’re too sweet for my taste.” you replied coldly as you opened the pantry and pulled out a pop tart, eliciting a whine from Thor.

“Oh, uhm ok.” she stuttered. 

You earned a few hard looks from the team as you bit into the brown sugar and cinnamon pop tart. 

“What recipe did you use for the pancakes?” you asked, ignoring the glares.

“Oh, I wrote it out on a piece of paper before moving in. It was my grandmother's recipe.” She said holding up a familiar piece of paper. It was your recipe.

“Hmm weird. Cause that’s my handwriting.” you said taking the sheet from the counter.

“Oh I guess I grabbed the wrong paper.” her face flushed in embarrassment.

“Ya whatever. If you need me, which it appears you don't, I'll be in my room. If I’m not there then don’t bother trying to find me.” you stated leaving the room, tossing the other untouched pop tart at Thor.

As soon as you left the kitchen, the hushed whispers reached your ears.

“What’s up with her?” 

“I don’t know, she’ll come around eventually.”

“She's just a little jealous. Nothing to be worried about.”

You groaned and walked to your bedroom, changing into gym clothes and going to the gym to let off some steam.

An hour or so later of beating a poor punching bag, the door creaked open breaking your concentration.

“What part of don’t bother me don’t people get,” you grumbled turning to see Brooke in the doorway.

“Sorry I didn’t mean to disturb you.” She said, her chocolate brown eyes widening like she was doing puppy dog eyes.

“What do you need?” you asked coldly, crossing your arms over your chest.

“I just thought we could talk. Get to know each other a bit?” She offered, stepping closer to you and her voice was an octave higher than usual.

“No thanks, I like keeping to myself. Go find someone else to butter up sweetheart.” you pushed past her towards the towel rack, brushing against her shoulder. You heard her huff in frustration.

“What do you have against me?” she pouted her voice back to normal.

“Me? Having something against you? Never?” you turn to see her face in a scowl and her stance mimicking yours only a moment ago.

“Whatever, you haven’t talked to me since I came here, or even looked my way,” she argued.

“You're the one who has avoided any contact because you know you messed up the first day we met. I have my reasons to keep a distance.” you retorted.

“Whatever. I haven't avoided you.” She scoffed “You've been avoiding me because you're too scared. You're jealous that I’m better than you, aren’t you?”

“No, I don't trust you.” you said closing the distance between the two of you. “I find it odd that a Shield Agent of 4 years just came forward about having ‘powers’ and was immediately admitted to the Avengers. And right after Wanda left.” your voice was menacing.

“I- I don't. What are you talking about?” she stuttered backing away from me, her face flushed red.

“You may have everybody else fooled but I can see through you little act.You’re not that good of an actress. I know a liar when I see one.” you spit, spinning on your heels and leaving the gym.

================================================

S.S: Let me know what you thought! Pt 2 is linked at the top next to my masterlist!

#marvel #avengers #avengersxreader #avengers civil war #avengers endgame #platonic #steve rogers #bucky barnes #the winter soldier #james buchanan barnes #captain america #sam wilson #the falcon #tony stark #thor odinson #ironman #natasha romanoff #black widow #wanda maximoff #scarlett witch #angst #marvel shield #avengers compound

[spotsupstuff]

🥺 vibe check my baby shithead?

bless... its my sibwing time...

Why I like them:

what the fuck is there not to like about them, lets be honest. their personality is unique when compared to other bvs. i lowkey always hoped id get to see a bv that would be more bold, angry, just more sharp towards the world. most of bvs that ive seen before joining the creating part of the fandom were soft shy kids that didnt want to hurt anybody. its valid to characterize bc like that, but it was everywhere. lost was like the polaris in the entirety of the fandom. learning about them was refreshing, comforting, it felt and still feels safe to consider and think about them. they feel real, i feel like i could meet them on the street in a playground and become friends with them. you made them so real and important to me. ive said this plenty in the server, but theyve helped me through a lot of hard times. i was too sad or anxious or scared to come out of bed? i thought about them interacting with broken and i felt better. i was in a lot of pain? thinking about them helped distracting me and getting me through a lot of it. im so so thankful for their existence and even more so for your willingness to interact, rp and vibe with me. i love lost so much.

Why I don’t:

their clinginess sometimes worries me. they are valid in it, but clingy people generally make me Slightly uncomfy bc i have times where id rather not be touched and i have trouble speaking up because i dont wanna offend or hurt. broken is the same and i fear the day they will have to disappoint lost by turning away a hug or a cuddle session. the mixture of natural understandable clinginess and anger can result in a sort of manipulation. unintentional, but still manipulation

Favorite episode (scene if movie):

,,,ill be mildly self-indulgent and say that the scene where them and broken adopted each other, overlaying with the morning after, is perhaps my favorite thing ever. BUT!! i liked the scene with them shunning ghost out of oros hut. it established their thoughts and determination to Keep things important to them away from people that had hurt them.

Favorite season/movie:

the ENTIRE FUCKIN FIC THATS ABOUT THEM GETTIN FROM THE ANCIENT BASIN TO ORO. bro ive checked ao3 like every morning when the second chapter was still in the wip bin, i just couldnt wait for it kgjslkgjsldkk the amount of details to the struggles and the size of torment expressed through your words was so so real and i couldnt get enough of it. im incredibly thankful for that fic and for all the feelings it stirred up in me wee heart

Favorite line:

”I mean you’re a clown. do I need to say it slooooowwwweeerr?” the beginning of an age...

“don’t ever pull Us together like that, ever again” theres a lot to unpack here and boy, im keepin the entire suitcase right in my lap and i WILL think and dive deep into it with my thoughts

Favorite outfit:

theyve got One but they sure be rockin in and i -cocks designer gun- have Some ideas for that second cloak that net would make them so i Hope that will follow close behind their og look

OTP:

this lil creachure is fifteen, i only ship them with safety and parental/platonic love and care

Brotp:

them and purl!!! but also them and hornet, even though its not as close of a relationship, it makes me very happy that they arent completely shut off from each other. that lil short story they shared about their first encounter with cain instinct committed by hornet has been inserted into my mind forever out of the RAN universe canon... them and broken for obvious reasons, them and net (ive been LOOKIN for an AGE AND A HALF NOW SO HARD at that relationship) and tbh??? them and junior has been on my mind a Lot lately. ever since the first doodles of junior hiding them with wings in the among us au, ive been considerin n thinkin of scenarios

Head Canon:

-thunk emoji- hmm... theyll never be too great of a flyer. they will be able to do more than just flap once or twice to get over some distances, definitely, but i feel like they will forever prefer ground over the skies. some minor hcs: ,,,they might pick up some sort of sewing from net in the bverse, maybe; their hand writing will/does look like yours; one day, they will do something that will make a giant difference in something important, completely by themself

Unpopular opinion:

i dont fahcken kno how to do these with yalls characters what hte fuck

A wish:

i wish radiance didnt fuck them up so much during Those years. they deserve to get tall and strong, capable of their dads nailarts, big enough to wield a bigass nail like him and suplex broken

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen:

this is an incredibly unlikely scenario to happen cuz i know you dont like thinkin about the ultimate end of people and characters, but my biggest fear is that one day they will come back from a hunt or a visit to a cold body in their dads bed, with eyes closed to never open again, not giving them the chance to even say goodbye.

5 words to best describe them:

angry, worried, caring, gentle, afraid

My nickname for them:

sibwing... lil star (just like u heehoo), sometimes i think about them as simply “safety” or “comfort”

#Spot says stuff #i have done it... i said things about my favorite bv ever..... #love you skye #love them too #skyedragondraws

[voidselfshipp]

Love From The Past

Ok to rb

Ask to tag

Summary: jerico reflects about the past, missing an old lover, little does she know theyll be reunited again even after all these years.

Taglist: @lilacslovers

A/n: oh loki I love you so much...and this gifs sending me...and I love the fact that he calls me his little mouse

When I was a kid thought that the myths we are told are true.

I wanted to see the world with Rose colored glasses.

To see the world as this fantastic mystic place.

I wasnt aware however of what pain awaited for me.

when I ran away I thought the world was a dark cold place

the night I escaped I met a boy and he changed everything

i was maybe around sixteen,I was eating my sandwich as I Walked to a hotel, I wanted warm food..

I cant remember how we met, but I do remeber his name

--are you hungry?-- the boy asked me,and I nodded--ill get you something to eat, what do you want?

-- warmffood...--I answered--

--im loki, loki odinson

--jerico...nice to meet you loki--

he smiled and took my hand his were cold, mine warm; we laughed togheter as we ran from rooftop to rooftop,and when we stopped, lofi stole food from a market, a warm stew

--why are you alone?, where are your parents?--He asked me

I looked at him, and he puts his hand on my cheek, and with one look he knew, as if he saw my memories as clear as I saw them

--im...sorry

I took his hand and squeezed it gently--dont be, I got to meet you, because of her...

He laughed endearingly and thats all I remember

Jerico sighed, its been so Many years since lokis invaded New York.

Her heart broke that day, when he saw loki at the head of the army, and how he kept her safe, even with his heart full of hatred,he was still her loki. That mischevious and kind kid she met all those years ago.

She still remembers how he hold her tight as they flew to safety, his long black hair and how it swayed with the wind, he looked down at her with mercifull eyes.

_-- youll be safe here-- he said lifting her face up by the chin Gently-- I wont hurt you my dearest.. ,I dont have the heart to--_

For loki, jerico was his weakness,when their gazes meet he goes back to that kid he used to be back when they first met.

It didnt matter how much hatred he was filled with or how much his desire for power grew,she made him weak, and as much as he acted as if he hated it, he couldnt get enough of her.

When half of the population was gone because of thanos ,jerico was the first to know about Lokis death.

She mourned,and cried one too Many nights.

And now years later, the world is back as to how it was, Back to normal, the other half of the population was restored.

She knew loki was back, thor told her that, and even then, loki never Came to visit her.

Now at night, a cold windy night, she washes the dishes, a knock on the door distracts her, she dries her hands and walks to the door.

When she opens it she sees a Man, long horns of some kind,a bouquet of roses covering his face.

Shes about to say something, but freezes when she hears his voice-- on a cold windy night we met, and its funny to think that after all these years, on a cold windy night shall we reunite-- the flowers move away to reveal loki,with Teary eyes and a melancholic smile-- dont you think my dearest?

Jer hugs him, he hugs back laughing with her as they both cry, he carries her in--oh my little mouse-- he said kissing her,she cups his cheeks as he leans in-- I missed you so much!

Loki lifts jerico up, the flowers left inside a flowerbase with water,he carries her around like a bride.

-- you have no idea how much I missed you, every day felt like millons of years without seeing you..., I longed for your embrace more than what I longed for power in the past...

Jers eyes tear up as she hides her face on his chest, the Man lays down on the bed with her taking off his helmet, he pulls her closer-- youre the most important thing that has ever happened to me..

--Oh loki..--she whispered sniffing, slowly looking up at him.

His breath hitches, oh her gaze, his weakness--every night I wondered when Would you come through that door,with your charm that would leave me defenseless, you have the eyes of a lion...you leave me weak, And at your mercy, I love you loki

Loki smiles pressing his forehead against hers-- you were always my weakness jerico,and I love you for it dearest..

Jer smiles kissing him again, he cups her cheeks,he holds her close as if making sure she was there with him.

He sighs-- I love you my little mouse

--I love you too my little trickster...

Jer falls asleep first, loki looks down at her, sighing, how has he become this soft and weak for this human? He didnt care to answer that question, because he knew, when they first met all those years ago.

He presses a kiss to the top of her head-- my little mouse, youre my weakness, and for that ill protect you, im not letting anything harm you-- he whispers against her hair, smelling the scent.

She was there , he needed to remind himself of that.

And looking at her he softly fell asleep holding her close.

Nothing would do them part now.

#ask to tag #f/o fic #🗡🐍my hearts keeper🐍🗡

[underneaththesurface]

The Martinez Murder

Omi: Good Evening Riverdale! I’m Omi Klyde

Estelle: And I'm Estelle

Omi: And this is Underneath The Surface, where we dive into the history of our town, Riverdale.

Today, we’ll be discussing the Martinez Murder

Estelle: And since this is a special occasion, we've decided to switch it up.

Why, you ask?

Omi: because I’m nosy

no, because I got to do the research this week. Lemme tell you. There’s some stuff that might get us in trouble if we reveal too much

Estelle: Luckily, we like living on the edge.

Omi: Yesss

a lot of this information I actually got from my older sister, who reported on this case at the time

Estelle: So we know this is going to be gooooood.

Omi: Adelfa knows her shit

Estelle: Can you say shit on a podcast?

Omi: Well I just did so, I mean, we’re not sponsored-are we sponsored???

Omi: Abe! Are we sponsored??

Estelle: I- I don't think so.

Abe: How the hell should I know? I just joined y'all!

Omi: alright, so, as we all know, the Serpents and Ghoulies have been in opposition since their creation, basically. Well, this whole thing was started by the waterboarding of Abdiel Martinez’s -the leader of the Ghoulies at the time- teenage son

sometime around 2009

Estelle: Wait-

They waterboarded a teenager?

Abe: what the-

Omi: the serpents weren’t as soft as they are now. The ghoulies were actually a lot less rowdy in the 90s/2000s

Estelle: I see.

Abe: Why, though?

Omi: Honestly, because of a simple wrong place wrong time misunderstanding. the leader of the serpents at the time was actually apologetic to Abdiel because apparently it really messed the kid up

Estelle: That's-

Abe: How you do accidentally waterboard the wrong person?

Estelle: But you said the leader of the Serpents actually apologized?

Omi: yes! 

Actually, he even paid for some therapy. 

The two groups had a truce

Estelle: Wow!

What happened to that guy?

Omi: oh, the leader? 

Not 100% sure. 

Think he died in combat or something

Estelle: huh. 

Omi: But...

Estelle: That’s pretty tragic

Abe: I knew there’d be a but

Omi: it is. And he seemed nice too, from what Adelfa told me 

yup, there’s always a but. 

Well, not long after that, the ghoulies went after the leader’s kid

Estelle: Of course.

I mean- why actually accept the truce if you just- you know-  go after the kid.

Abe: You said "kid", does that mean he was younger than the boy who was waterboarded?

Omi: eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth. 

 the ghoulies might’ve been soft, but they still had some wild members from the 80s there advising 

yeah, he would’ve been about our age then 

the age of the boy who got waterboarded was 16 I think?

Estelle: Oh. That's-

Abe: NINE OR TEN????

Estelle: That’s just horrible 

Omi: nine or ten...poor kid

Estelle: But what did they exactly do to the 9/10-year-old?

Omi: they jumped him. 

Kid came out with cuts and bruises according to medical reports

Who the heck jumps a literal child??

Estelle: Ghoulies, apparently.

Abe: Didn't they do something like that to someone from our school?

The beanie guy.

Estelle: (wheezes) the beanie guy...

Omi: Nuggethead? Yes

a serpent himself

Estelle: I- I want to correct both of you, but-

His own name isn't that much better.

(whispers) Is that mean?

Omi: am I wrong??? I’ve seen him eat the entire menu at pops in one sitting

Abe: He's why you left the Blue & Gold.

That guy eats everything.

Omi: ok one more bash and I’ll get on with the story- 

but I have seen him eat a burger off the floor

Estelle: That's not just Jughead...

Abe: Yeah I'm pretty sure Mark's done that, too.

Estelle: No, I thought it was Brian.

Omi: wouldn’t put it past either of them

Estelle: Pretty sure Jonathan would do it too, if it wasn't for me.

Omi: teenage boys are something else, aren’t they? Like little creatures

anyways I should definitely go back to the topic because you’re usually the one who reigns me in

Estelle: The struggle is real.

Abe: Can't relate.

Estelle: (laughs) Let's save this for another time, yes. Please continue.

Omi: So, of course, the serpent leader was not happy bout this.

therapy stopped for the Martinez boy

Estelle: My respect would be gone if he didn't.

Omi: in fact, he was so angry about this, the serpents captured both Abdiel and his wife

the truce was over

which, is understandable

Abe: Oh no, not the wife.

Omi: the wife. But, the kids were left out of this part

Abe: Oh good, he has some morals.

Estelle: (wheezes) Better than the Ghoulies.

Omi: i don’t think the ghoulies ever had morals, minus maybe a few members. those young ghoulies scare me-they had the whole town scared of clowns for a year, remember that?

Estelle: Oh yeah.

Abe: Not a violent person but I was this close to buying a gun, yes.

Omi: those were some times 

Anyways, what is known about what happened next is the following: the couple was taken, reported missing for a few days, and Mrs. Martinez returned blind and widowed. Information was either redacted or they were unable to attain the exact details of the murder

Abe: Wh-

Estelle: Oh, that-

Abe: Blind??

Omi: blind

Estelle: I have to say, that is an effective way to lead

Abe: Are you seriously condoning this?

Omi: she stumbled into the south side emergency room, bleeding, and sobbing hysterically

no I get what you’re saying

Estelle: I mean, he was pretty chill and they abused that and now they paid.

Omi: makes sense to me

Abe: Y-yeah but-

Omi: y’all wanna hear something interesting tho?

Estelle: Oh Yes.

Abe: Oh No. 

Omi: Guess who’s kid runs the ghoulies now

Estelle: I- shut the fuck up.

Abe: Estelle-

Estelle: It all makes total sense now.

Omi: does this mean I can say fuck on this podcast

Estelle: We'll take the fine, should we get one.

Omi: daddy can pay for it we’re fine

Abe: Okay, but let's not overdo it please.

Omi: yes his son is now the leader and that is why the ghoulies are reclaiming their 80s wild child glory

also thats why they seem especially brutal towards the serpents

oh, want to hear another thing?

Estelle: Yes.

Always.

Omi: law enforcement never found the body, BUT

there are rumors

Estelle: Not surprised, honestly.

Abe: What rumors?

Omi: well, supposedly, there was a scavenger hunt

set by the serpents, for the ghoulies

Estelle: Oh.

Fun.

Abe: (laughs)

Omi: the body hasn’t been discovered to this day, as far as we know. But, that’s why there are so many random holes in fox forest

allegedly

and here I was, thinking we had massive gophers

Abe: Oh my god.

Estelle: Maybe they helped.

Omi: who knows, there’s lots of shit in that forest, especially that creepy funeral home and crematorium, which is also supposedly linked to the ghoulies but law enforcement hasn’t found proof of that

Estelle: How?

Omi: also we’re close to greendale and that town has lots of weird happenings. I suspect radiation

They searched the place

Abe: Yeah I believe that.

Estelle: See this is why I don't go to that forest.

Name one good thing that's happened there.

Omi: Absolutely nothing. 

too many kids go missing on the paths through it no way am I stepping foot in it

Abe: But y'all are dragging me to that house on Wabash Avenue?

Omi: its not in the forest. Free range baby

Abe: I don't wanna run into an angry man as we wander around his house.

Estelle: I'll get you some holy water, you'll be fine.

Omi: we’ll be fine. ill do a crazy dance to distract him

Estelle: If Omi screams, we'll run.

Omi: and I’ve never screamed

because we will be fine and if not I will ask Queenie for her bat

do you think ghosts like 90s r&b?

Estelle: I'd go for EDM.

Abe: Oh yeah.

Omi: so you have nothing to worry about my dear sweet Abe

theyll be dancing

Estelle: Now, some of you might have been wondering why it's the three of us.

You wanna introduce yourself?

Abe: Hello everyone! I'm Audrey Lincoln. Last time, Omi and Estelle decided to investigate the case of Wabash Avenue, and they've been thinking about turning it into a vlog.

Estelle: And of course, our lovely friend Abe came to mind.

Abe: So, the following weeks, I'll be part of the team.

Omi: shes talented, beautiful, stunning, spectacular, amazing, wonderful

Abe: Omi-

Estelle: And if our talented, beautiful, stunning, spectacular, amazing, wonderful friend likes it, she's more than welcome to stay part of the team.

Omi: i’d definitely like her to be apart of it, then we’d see you more!

well, I think that wraps up this week

Estelle: Feeling a little more unsafe in this town.

Omi: wait, you’ve felt safe in this town?

Estelle: When I was a little girl, yes.

Abe: Before History class.

Estelle: Or before I started following the news.

Omi: Valid points.

Well, I’m Omi 

Estelle: I'm Estelle.

Abe: And I'm Audrey.

Omi: Don’t forget to tune in next week for: The Truth Behind Pickens Day!

Estelle: See y’all then!

Abe: And sweet dreams

#oc: audrey lincoln #oc: estelle ollier #oc: omi klyde #ocappreciation #riverdale #tsp: underneath the surface #the swosie project #the martinez murder #lou oc #laurien oc

[potuzzz]

I can’t fucking do this.

I can’t play this game.

I’m so tired.

I can’t do anything I want. I don’t even know what I want.

All I know is that anyone who’s ever given me a reason to smile feels infinitely far away right now, and I’m left with a cold, unforgiving world that values things that I simply cannot give.

I don’t even want to leave the cesspool, because of knowing there are people like me I’d leave behind. Fuck I think I just want to die. I think everybody just has to die. Thank God I believe in the immortal soul and a relatively good afterlife because if I didn’t I don’t know what the despair would do to me.

It’s so ugly. I cannot even look at it.

I was a knight, and I was stripped, and now, I do all the things I scoffed at. All the things I promised myself I would never do.

I’m just sitting here mindlessly fucking around on the same 3 websites, nothing is changing, I’m just melting my brain in hopes that it will dull some of this horrible feeling.

But this visceral feeling is deeper than that. It’s deeper than surface emotions. It’s in my fucking soul. my soul is on fire and thers nothing left on this world to put it out. theres nothing that brings mejoy. i dont care. even if something pops up right now that would make me feel better, it will be fucked. it will all exist for the wrong reasons. i cannot even, for example, hope to meet a random new friend, because i cannot make new friends. it has, tried-and-tested proved to be impossible. im too broken. my mind just doesnt function the same way. if they dont hate and reject me, i will hate and reject them. i will pour everything into a rose colored illusion i project, and be viscerally, cripplingly disappointed when i finally dare to remove the veil.

im slowly accepting the veil. i was told by so many powerful entities that i must not submit to apathy. but im sorry. im too high maintenance. i just cant do it. i cant do anything i promised of me. at least, i sincerely doubt it. i just cant. i cant change the world for better. i can even be nice anymore. i forgot how to be nice, “stop being nice” they said, “ you need ot take care of yourself. you need to fight back against this ugly world.” well now im ugly and i cant go back. i used to be naive and unjustifiably forgiving and cringey and annoying and unhealthily passive and pathetically submissive and i fought those things just to become the thing i hated. and now im turning into a young adult and my formative window is over. i cant change myself. i can only hope to get a fucking aneurysm from the stress of just being sober or of not actively participating in self destructive behavior. im so tired. let me destruct. let me go out in a blaze of glory, an explosion, dont let me die softly with a pathetic whimper before fading nonchalantly into the background, to be easily forgotten. what a curse.

just let me stop working, fuck. either let me be a sheep, a slave, a workhorse, trained to rationalize on my own accord how everythings okay and im the main character and its all gonna be good and cool, but dont fucking put me in this middle ground. dont leave me alone with the darkness and then make me hop back and forth back. this is dehumanizing. this is...this isn’t fair. if they came to hear me beg, they’ll be satisfied. allow me the small dignity. allow me this one fucking thing.

take it out of my hands. put me in a war. a  big one. one where i can pretend that im doing something good, fighting for something bigger than myself. one where i have comraderie with people who i would easily hate in an other siutuiaton. youb know, bdy conditioning class in ghigh school was fucking great for this reason. all these shitty peole who would bully me, who would hold me in the loewst, cruelest form of contept, who would even continue this view of me at the beginning,w e all became equals through the trials of fire. imagine what bonding could be had over death and squallor and rage and intense, immeasurable, uunignorable suffering.

that’s the fuckign problem with the is world . all the suffering is way too damn weasy to ignore. death by a billion paper fcuts. slice me asuner with a fork of lightning, dont give me this undignified death. its cruel, pointlessly cruel. you lose nothing buy giving me somthoing dignified.

i cant even fucking sleep. i cant even have my own self for comfort, me versus the world baby. noep. its dead. i cant even talk to ymself. i cant even look at myself, as if ive done something wrong, when ive literally not done antyhting wrong, buefcause i havent done a fucking thing. i dont areif this is hyperbolic.

im so tired of saying the same words over and over

im so tired of seeing the same 5 different types of peopl,e

im so tired of being disappointed. show me something whimsical. something truly magical. something awe inspiring. terrigying. attack me in my dreams. rip my soul out its soft, comgfy shell, and thrust it into the sky, that visceral discomfort. am ai really a coward beause i didnt go sky diving or something? i dont know. am i ca cowrard because i stopped allowing myself...WHATEVERT THE FUCK WOULD HAPPEN IN MY DREAMS???? I DONT NOW!

blah blah blah wow noah this is going to be so useful in your brand building campaign wow hahaha youre so cool oure going to be famous boy! FAMOUS BOY! youre gong to be big and famous and universally olloved! everyone will be yor friend! eveerything woikll work out in the end. nbody you love will ever die or ever hate you. it all works onut in the end. it all works out in the end.your going to be GFAMOUS DUDE LAOL HAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA THIS IS ACTUALLY MAKING ME SMILE!

DUDE, FUCK YOU!

FUCK OFF!

FUCK OFF!

FUCK OFF! FUCKI OFF!

WOW THIS IS GOING TO BE GREAT FOR THE ALGORITHYM THIS IS GOING TO LOOK SO GOOD ON THE RATIOS AND THE METRICS AND THE RED LINE GO WEEEEEEEEEEEE EAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAY THIS IS GOING TO LOOK SOOOOO GOOOOD ON YOIR PORTFOLIO WHERES YOUR PORTFOLIO CAN YOU LINK EM TO THE SONG DUDE YOU JUST GOT TO LNK ME TO YOUG MUSIC MAN!!!! IM SURE ITLL BE GREAT ILL LOVE IT :) :) :) O))IK

fuck YOU

fuck YOU

WHY DO I HAVE TO GO TO WORK TOMORROW LE ME STYA UP ALLLLLL NIGHT

ALLLLL NIGHT BABY THIS PATTY GOES ON ALLLLLLLL NIGHT

CAN I GET AN AMENE LOUDER FOR THE KIDS IN THE BACK

KIDS I N YOUR BACK ITS JUST THE KIDS IN YOUR BACK

YOU LL FEEL HOLY JUST HOLD STILL FOR THE 

ahahhaahhaahahahahahahahahahahhahah

if you’ve killed yourself Your’e a Damn Hero a(TM) and im not nmade at you. not anymore. i used to be, sre, but now i get it. i fuckin get it my guy. how fucking 1st world of me to think you wouldn’t. honestly. its amazing uyou put up with what you did. you’re souch a good musiciain dude. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH an ARTISSSSTTTTEEEEEEE I GOT THE BIG BRAIN BIG THINK TIME MY FEELINGS ARE IMPORTANT IM AN ARTISSSSSTTTTE

dont show your ASS FOR A SECOND OR THEYLL RIP YOU TO SHRED SBOY

just osme advice before the planks fdrtop

yeah just make sure you never do any of tis

dont hsow weakness for even a second

dont beg

dont beg

dont you pathetic loser

just be happy

just make your life happyier

you know

they always this new bullshit ass looking way of things, the whole, “they killed themselves it woas outside of your control there is nothing theyhat you could have done it was doomed from the start they made the decision THEY made the decision

like literally fuck you dude. whatever you tell yourself to sleep at night.

you might just be a grain of sand, but a grain of sand is a lot more than 0/. i get to live every single day with my sin,s, they are variou s and many and oh boy they are GREAT. , if i may do say so myself. but i dont.

pause

more dirnk

*jeopardy song(

All i have is imagined scenarios. All i have is parasocial relationshiops. All i have is people im supposedly super close with that i feel a constant need to hide gfrom.

you don’t know me. and when i let the mask slip for a seocnd you are repulsed. fuck you.

i’d like...i liked to think it was because i was special. because i did omthing outside of the norm, that brought this...new thing that had to be contended with...HAD to be contended with...for the human speices to evolve. i was just a small LEOG brick in the gram dn sceneme of things, sure, but i was an actaual...i was a VESSEL. I was a VEHICLE>. now what am i. nothing. a waste of tiem.e a waste of love and anergy and resources. of hope. how dare you hope for me. you have no idea. luck is in not many people’s favor but i dont even have the money for the lottery tickets. i wouldnt even know how to read the numbers if i wanted to. i’d be too much of a prudish, self-centered, egotistical, unbearably annoying hipster to use the numbers even if i could read them, and i know this to my fucking core. it’s like i’d rather ...

FUCK THIS HALFWAY POINT

THE HALFWAY POINT BETWEEN SLEEPING AND AWAKENING IS HELL

AND I HAVE SETTLED PERMANENTLY ON IT

for why?

SPITE

I SWEAR TO GOD BECAUASE I CAN THINK OF NO OTHER RESOASN.

it doens’t matter.

i have to stop typing and go to bed.

and shut my eyes.

and sit in silence.

alone.

so alone.

and wait for sleep to take me.

and then wake up and flip burgers.

it has to happen. i cant stay up all night. i’ll fucking die tomorrw. i wish i could just stay uo all night.

amyabe i should? like i mean seriously, accelerationist based shit but like, maybe i just need to lose my job just to...rip the bandaid off.

everyone, im sorry if youre reaing this, i;m okay. im just in a rough spot. im sorry, please ignore this. im sorry.

#doubleups