#love joy meaning. all of that. regardless. and that there are times im grateful for how self harm helped me survive

[trans-axolotl]

for about two years now ive struggled with relapses in self harm and have not really known how to deal with my desires for harm, health, and existing thoughts on antipsychiatry. ive been accessing psychiatric resources for well over a decade with a lot of trauma inflicted over that time. ive also dealt with really harsh approaches to reducing self harm that both began the problem in the first place and worsened it.

ive been working with my therapist to stop self harming but, to be honest, i have no desire to stop. i try my best to reduce risk where i can such as not self harming in an emotional state, using clean implements, and keeping it light. previously i didnt care about any of those things and self harm was mainly a dangerous coping mechanism. but now i see it almost as a form of body modification with a lot of intentionality to it.

i really dont know what to think. its objectively dangerous since i am harming myself but i also cant agree with the general aims of therapy and psychiatry to stop self harming as an ultimate goal. i want to be happy and healthy and for me that means living with self harm as a reality of something i will continue to do. and i think its my right as an autonomous person to choose what i do with my body, even if its harmful. yet i can feel the claws of psychiatry and feel so much shame and hatred towards the fact i cant stop. or more significantly, that i dont want to.

sorry for such a long ask, but essentially what im getting at is, how does one handle harm reduction when there is no desire to ever fully stop? i believe in my own right to bodily autonomy but ive also been told repeatedly that using my bodily autonomy to harm myself makes me undeserving of it and instead in need of carceral punishment. how do i even begin to navigate those contradictions of feeling like ive been horribly hurt and dehumanized and feeling like on some level ive deserved that dehumanization because of the pain i inflict? is self harm as body modification even a concept or idea that people have discussed? since i mainly just see it discussed as a coping mechanism.

content note: continued discussion of self harm and self harm methods.

Hi, anon. Thanks so much for reaching out.

I really resonated with so much of what you shared. It's really hard to try to navigate all our feelings associated with self harm when we are constantly hearing from society that our self harm makes us dangerous or unworthy or unable to live outside of institutions. For me, it honestly feels really violating when other people like providers try to push their narrative of what self harm means onto me. My relationship with my self harm is so personal and there's a lot of different meaning I attach to it, and I want the room to be able to talk about it in a way that actually makes sense to me.

Something that's helped me in trying to navigate all of this for myself is really just to come back to these values of bodily autonomy and harm reduction. A really important harm reduction value for me is that it is completely okay if people don't ever stop (whether we're talking about drugs, self harm, disorderly eating, etc). It's important to me that we can defend people's right to do all these things and recognize that harm reduction should not be just another method of coercion trying to convince people to stop. I strongly believe that people can have meaningful and valuable lives that also include self harm as a part of our lives. I want to build a world where we can say that we're not interested in completely stopping self harm and that statement is not reacted to with shame or blame, but rather with curiosity and respect for the fact that we are the experts on our own lives and choices. Part of encouraging autonomy is recognizing that we are allowed to make choices about our lives that might not be what the psych system wants us to make.

Anyway, all of this is to say: I think it's okay if you're not interested in ever stopping self harming, and I know a lot of people who also feel similarly to you. You absolutely have the right to interpret your self harm in a way that makes sense for you. I've definitely heard other people talk about self harm as body modification (I think some of the harm reduction zines in this google drive might talk about it, but I haven't read through them in a while. Continued content note for discussion of self harm, self harm methods, and diagrams of anatomy and self harm). It makes a lot of sense why you might connect self harm and body modification, and that's something that would resonate with a lot of other people. You have the right to build a life that includes self harm as a part of it, and find a way to do it that makes sense for your body and life.

That feeling of dehumanization you described is so so real. I really just feel a lot of rage towards a psychiatric system that makes us feel so hurt and conflicted. Untangling that learned shame and hatred towards ourselves is so fucking hard, but just know that you are not alone in that and that we have the right to reject the ways the psych system punishes us.

And I want to be clear that none of this is to downplay the very real harm, pain, or risk that can come with self harm, but rather to point out that abstinence only methods, shame, and carceral psychiatry did not do anything to support me with that. Instead, it left me feeling trapped and like it was worthless to even try to figure out what I needed in really difficult moments. So I also really just want to acknowledge and celebrate all the stuff you listed in your ask--using clean implements, not self harming in an emotional state, and keeping it light. I'm really glad that you've found some steps to take that make self harm more manageable for you. Those are not lesser steps or a waste of your time just because you are not interested in stopping self harm, and those things are such a great example of how harm reduction doesn't require you to stop self harming in order to make some changes that reduce risk.

Just sending a lot of love and solidarity to you, anon, from another person who is not interested in completely stopping self harm, even as my relationship to my self harm shifts and changes over the years. There are a lot of us out here and we deserve to have the space to openly talk about these things without facing judgement.

💜💜💜💜

#asks #self harm tw #antipsych #psych abolition #harm reduction #harm reduction is so important to me. didn't go on this in the main post bc it's a tangent but just like #the co-optation of harm reduction by the gov and nonprofits makes me so fucking annoyed. #i learned harm reduction from other sex workers and drug users bc it was what were doing to survive. to me harm reduction needs to be based #in radical autonomy and liberation and with the understanding that it's totally fine and neutral and okay if ppl never stop #also my own relationship to self harm is not one where stopping it completely is a priority. there's a few forms of self harm i want to sto #bc it's really hard to accurately judge the risks of that self harm. and also because it was really difficult for my loved ones to watch an #i care about that. but i feel totally okay with the thought that cutting may or may not be a part of my future. and that i will find #love joy meaning. all of that. regardless. and that there are times im grateful for how self harm helped me survive #as much as there are times i hate it and times that self harm were so incredibly destructive to other parts of my life. it is soooo complex #for me! and i cannot just label it the way psychs want me to #anyway. lots of love anon.

[jovenshires]

im so curious as someone who has never written fic or really made anything creative in a fandom- how does it feel after you post a fic, especially something huge like iwks?? whats it like to hear the response?????

okay so. honestly its SO fucking insane to me still to this very moment. like???? people are reading something i wrote???? and like analyzing it and asking me questions??? im Gobsmacked. genuinely every time i get a comment on ao3 talking ab how i should get published or anons in my inbox picking up on something SO minute i thought i was gonna be the only person to notice it......... truly it is just so fucking mindblowing. i say it all the time but i really mean it when i say i am just a clown and i am shocked people are buying tickets to the circus. not to mention it makes me so insanely happy bc writing is like. what i wanna do. end of the day, my whole life is creating stories. so when people not only read them but enjoy them??? oh my god. my heart feels so full. i've cried like three times today (/pos!!!!) bc im just so overwhelmed and grateful. (i cry a lot sorry yall <3)

but it also... i think due to the nature of this fandom and the nature of tumblr itself, it also feels like im talking with my friends if that makes sense? like im just some guy and yall are all just some guys and we are hanging out reading something i wrote and throwing forks at the screen. you know? like everyone here is my buddy. every mutual and every anon is a personal friend of mine. its just crazy that we chose to put up MY work on the screen to throw forks at you know. (maybe this is nonsensical i honestly cant tell!)

i know that i'm doing this (writing silly little fics) purely for my own enjoyment (i mean i wrote a catholic school soccer au for crying out loud im lucky ANYONE read it) and that this all, in the grand scheme of things, is such a small thing to get such joy out of. BUT. the reception HAS had a super huge impact on my life regardless, and i love you all so. yeah.

tl;dr: head empty, heart full <3

#im emotional ! #ask #asks #anon #anonymous

[caruliaa]

okay wait im sososoo sorry i havent replied to all your asks and stuff ahhhh its like. not thattt late but thee thing is i have that interview tmrw which ! exciting yes but now that its tmrw i am sososoooo fucking nervousss and its fully not early or anything but im still like omg i need so much sleep. so excited to repeat this process for saturday also since i have an interview for a different job then 🫠🫠 BUT MY POINT IS I NEED TO EEP but before i do i just want to say that !! you are such an incrediblyyy lovely person my dearest ladybird like omg you really all around are just soooo amazing talented beautiful wonderful kind lovely loveable incredibleee of a personnn and i am sososooooo lucky that i not only get to know you but also get to be your friend like !! especially considering ur suchhh a compassionate caring friend and you fill my whole life and world with sooo much warmth and joy ahhhh and i am just sososooooo grateful that we met and like !! yah you mean everything to me and i care abt u smm and i love you smmmmmmm (hugs u forever if u want !! 💕💕🫶🏻💕💕💕💕💕🫶🏻🫶🏻💕💕🫶🏻💕💕💕‼️‼️)

DW AT ALL sorry i was like. so weird abt tht last night aggh i need to like. be better and not the way i am dfgdfg but anyway GOOD LUCK WITH UR INTERVIEW !!!! i hope it goes well love but regardless pls feel free to tell me all about it !!! and yayeah getting lots of good rest before that is rly important my love so i hope u were able to dearest !!!! :> and ough omg ur so so sweet love ;;;;; i hope you know that like i rly am rly so glad tht like. i can be like a compassionate and caring and thoughtful to you and bring like sm like joy and warmth into your life because you really do just deserve it so so very much my dearest and i really do want to and try to be a good friend to you so i really am glad that i can in any way my love and i hope you know that you really are the same to me and such a wonderful kind caring thoughtful sweet kind caring friend to me and make me feel so so loved and cared for and safe and warm with you and you are just suhc a wonderful smart funny talented incredible person and just knowing you and having you in my life and spending time with you brings me so so oso much light and happiness and joy i really am soso lucky to know you my love and i hope you know you mean everything to me and i love you so so very much *hugs you back close as long as you want love* 💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💞💞💖💖💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💖💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕💕

#sorry im answering this kind late agg but ya i love you so so very much my dearest :'> !!! #flappy rambles #fave #lucy ! #asks

[jikigai]

👩‍🌾👨‍🌾🧑‍🌾

If you can't smell the fragrance
don't come into the garden of Love.
if you are unwilling to undress
don't enter into the stream of
Truth. Stay where you are, don't
come our way

-Rumi

After reading this I realize how incredibly intricately special my friends who I fell completely in love with. There’s not many like us, not many at all. We’re the ones who saw the world with such delight. So hopeful for the next turn to be something great whether or not the last turn was wretched. I met them after we’d all become torn apart by this world. They were still so beyond beautiful to me regardless of the stains and scars that stuck with them. It seemed we all got the same memo at one point in our lives, (to go find your favorite person) the one who you loved like it was your child with unconditional affection. A love that carried grace, so much humor, so so much understanding. Literally these people no matter what when where why. There was this hovering comfort of presence, a feeling of faultless absolute connection. It wasn’t a connection where there were sunshine and rainbows all the time because that wouldn’t have been right. It was a connection that was just nonchalant pureness in its purest form. It seemed as if everything was perfectly…not okay, if you know why I mean. Let’s just say we were a fucked up beautiful mess, full of so much character , life , humor, intelligence , hood , country , class , let’s just say we’ve all been around like it’s no one’s business. In a good way, we knew how to take on the world blissfully. Cheating it, I miss my a team. Truthfully irreplaceable. They blew me away whenever they popped into my life at the most random time. It was almost like as soon as we fucking talked for 30 seconds the rest was history, it was set in stone and we all knew in our own ways I’m going to love you forever and EVER. I’ve been waiting my whole life for you, I wasn’t expecting how they came or how they were as souls or appearances I just knew I found my own family because I never fit in anywhere else quite as right. I felt whole finally, my whole life leading up to the moments of meeting Alyvia & Mitch I was alright I mean but I never saw myself being that genuinely happy and full of joy and life when they were a part of my life. It was like all my life I had been listening to music with a Walkman and it was fine but one day Im gifted the newest Harmon karmon headset that I had no awareness how genuine and crisp and amazing something can get. I was settling so much for so long and finally I was given above and beyond anything I could have imagined. I’m so grateful to have spent endless on endless of minutes, hours, months, year(s) with my family. We were tied at the waist. Till I see y’all again, and when I do I’m going to hug you and spin you both around and kiss y’all like you’ve never been kissed before Mitch on the cheek of course 😂😂 cause IDGAFFFF I’m going to cry sosososo damn hard. I can just see is linking in heaven or whateva and Mitch is going to have that big beautiful smile and amazing laugh. I’ve never been one to run to someone for a hug but yo If I saw y’all a mile away I would run the fastest mile in existence God help me because I don’t have anytime to waste to see Alyvias beautiful eyes, her more than amazingly perfect smile with the cutest face I’ve ever seen. I’m so in love with her. Her name makes me feel the fire of love all through my body. I pray that I can soon just hold her head between my shin and shoulder again, hold her hair and show her the opitomy of love sick. I can see her standing there and as soon as I cling on to her with dear life we will both start balling with all the love we’ve ever felt into each other. She’s going to laugh and I’ll laugh and we’ll just be there in that moment and I’ll just stand there for days, months, even years looking into her eyes admiring the pure beauty God created. I hope by this time we will be better and can understand we’re more than good enough.

Into the ages of true kingdom and beloved identity.

[lustbile]

To Provoke

Incubus!HaechanxReader

Word Count: 4.4K

Warning: dom-ish haechan, semi public (alley way), oral&fingering, biting, blood consumption, & can maybe be interpreted as degrading but not really

notes: a resounding thank you to whoever gave haechan curls and horns im in love with you nct stylist person. I wrote this all today and it made me stupid so I will try to go through and do more editing. Also not that I think anyone would, but I made the edit for this, horns and all, and im asking politely no one repost it, i know it’s not the most extravagant edit but im asking u pls.

Nct Masterlists

Multi group Masterlist

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You were trying to provoke him.

You were always trying to provoke him.

Everything you did, every move, blink, sigh, and turn was an attempt to pull him from the shadows.

To admit you’re addicted to him is embarrassing, degrading even, especially with the way it fills his chest and wild eyes with hunger and pride. His ego was one thing that never needed to grow, big enough to fill every nook and cranny of the universe, but something about the way your pretty eyes would glitter at him in awe pushed it over the edge in free fall.

The outfit you chose to wear was maybe a bit too revealing for the weather, the nipping cold dancing along your shoulders and thighs in a way that makes your stomach clench and your teeth chatter. But it was the same outfit you had worn on the night you had met him, the outfit that his greedy fingers tugged and pulled on to get access to your skin, and it still had the smallest of tears in the seem from his impatience that night.

But it got you attention, and that's what mattered in the end.

He had always had a jealous streak, something he’d deny sharply if you had the nerve to accuse him, but that didn’t change the fact that some of your best nights with him were spent after he showed up to remind you that your body and skin were for him only. And that jealousy was the exact thing you needed to get him to show his face again.

It had been far too long since you had felt him last. You had no clue where he could have possibly ran off to for such a long time, but that didn’t stop the fire that was building in your belly. And no matter how many times you tried, your own wandering hands were never enough to quench your body’s thirst like he could.

The man you spoke to at the club meant less than nothing to you, even when you felt his growing excitement pressing against your back when you agreed to dance with him. The sloppy kisses you allowed him to press against the skin of your neck felt no different than just air as your mind was too distracted by the man that had taken ownership of your heart and soul so long ago, regardless of his absence.

It didn’t feel long before the lights became too bright, the alcohol that sloshed in your cup too bitter for your tongue, and the smell of the strange man too stale and unfamiliar. But when you pushed away from his chest and checked the time on your phone, while you ignored his grumbled complaints of you being a tease, you saw that it was only a handful of minutes past midnight.

You had stayed out much longer than that before, much later in fact and with glee, but something in your chest, a heavy and daunting weight, was pulling you towards the entrance on unsteady feet and a taunting disappointment on your shoulders.

Your mind still felt muggy even after you broke away from the stuffy environment of the building, but you brushed it off as a combination of the minimal alcohol you’d consumed and the angry unsatisfied monster that had made home in your gut.

You had enough of a head on your shoulders to scan your purse for your pepper spray and pocket knife before you decided that maybe the short walk home would help clear your mind and disappointment. It was still cold, your icy fingertips begging for a uber or cab instead, but you were hoping the biting chill would help calm down whatever lustful beast you had become because of a man you couldn't even contact.

Your legs felt too heavy to carry with every step you took, your neck feeling like your necklaces were made from tons of lead instead of whatever cheap metal the random online store you had ordered them from used. You were grateful that the only company you had on the back streets you had chosen to take were the flickering street lamps and the skittering rats you could hear in each alley you passed.

You could almost taste the relief of the cheap bottles of wine you had stashed in your kitchen paired with a trashy netflix horror film when you turned onto your street, your apartment building somehow looking inviting with its old brick and foggy windows as it sat on the corner. The only thing stopping you from kicking off your heels and making a run for it being the memory of one of your less than polite neighbors dropping a large glass vase and not feeling any need to pick up the broken pieces before leaving for the day.

Instead you grit your teeth to help bear the pinching of your shoes, and break into a quick and awkward jog down the desolate stretch of sidewalk. Your eyes watering as you're met with icy air.

Peace and warmth and cheap familiar alcohol is only a few strides away when you hear it. To anyone else in the city it would have been no different than the sounds of an everyday creature scavenging in the trash for food, but you had lived here long enough to know what's a rat or raccoon or, in this case, a cat.

It was a stray you had befriended long ago, one that could climb and duck into your conveniently opened balcony door for a bowl of food and a scratch behind the ears. It was just a sweet little boy that was grey and covered with scratches and scars, but due to a no pet policy had to be kept labeled as a stray and a secret to your landlord.

You huff in frustration, assuming he would have been curled up on your couch when you returned home and not chasing rats in the alley next to your building, but he had always been mischievous from the day you met him. So with the hope that you could block his image from the security cameras, you turn and head into the dim light of the small alley.

You had lovingly dubbed him Oscar when you came home more than once to your trash can tipped over and learned he had a special love for garbage, and that name along with some weird chattering cooing left you mouth as you tried to coax him from whatever trash can he was creating chaos within.

Your teeth were already gritted and you back stiff as the playful feline found enjoyment in jumping out and scaring you in times like this and you assumed this time would be no different as his evilness seemed to only raise as it got deeper and deeper into the night. So you were already mentally prepared for an attack from an overly excited ball of fur, what you weren’t prepared for was a voice.

“What are you doing out so late?” the voice was gruff and slightly accusatory and made you all but jump completely out of your skin. And as you whip around in circles to try to find the face that the words feel from, you see your love and joy Oscar jump from the tallest trash can and scale the fire escape up to scramble back into your home like a guilty teenager that was caught by their mother.

“I asked you a question,” this time the words were followed by strong hands gripping your shoulders and a shrill yelp escaping your throat.

Your hand was pushing into your purse for at least one of your weapons as you squat to get out of the person's hold and turn to see their face, the grinning and prideful boy behind you washes you with a wave of relief before stabbing at you with annoyance.

“Haechan, what the fuck,” you whisper harshly as you pull your hand from your purse and stand up straight, your now free hand now moving to jab a rough finger into the dip of his chest, “how many times? How many times have I told you to not fucking sneak up on me like that. I know the pepper spray can’t hurt you and a stab wound would heal in like five minutes but that doesn’t mean I want to stab you, idiot.”

“Why not?” his head jerks back as if you said something dumb like the sky wasn’t actually blue or he wasn’t really the sexiest man to live, something that just has no logic behind it in the slightest, “like you said it would heal so maybe we could try, might be kinda hot.”

He punctuates his words by grabbing you roughly by the waist, his other hand wrapping gently around your neck before he pushes you against the rough brick behind you, the permanent evil glimmer in his eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Do you ever get tired of being an absolute freak?” you thinly veiled insult doesn’t pack as much of a punch as you had maybe hoped, but when he begins to mouth at the skin of your jaw and cheek you can’t really find it within yourself to care.

“Well isn’t that why you like me?” he asks rhetorically as he starts to nip light bruises in the spots that blur your vision, “freaky me must be your favorite, because otherwise you wouldn’t be dressed the way you are.”

He’s no wrong, not even in the slightest, but the confident way in which he says it is enough to make you want to lie, “wanting you and liking you are two different things, no one ever said I liked you.”

“Oh but you want me,” the way in which he takes everything you say in strides without even batting an eye is bit infuriating, but the way his fingers tighten against your neck and push into your jugular is enough to make you melt against him, “that’s what you said so for once that’s not me putting words into your pretty little mouth. But don’t say you don’t like me, that’s a dirty lie and we both know it.”

“You don’t like when I lie?” you pout at him, trying to pull more and more reactions from him, “but some of your favorite things I say are lies, like how big you are and how well you fuc-“

“Alright that’s enough of you,” he interrupts, his fist tightening that much more and his other slipping from your waist to reach under the hem of your dress, a satisfied growl and his tongue pressing into the inside of his cheek being his reaction when he realizes the underwear he was grabbing for wasn’t there, “I’ve had to watch you prance around all night, letting a low down dog of a man touch you. And for what? My attention? Baby, you already have my attention.”

Your words stutter violently, the only sounds coming from your throat are whines and gasps as his fingers slip between your thighs and glide against the dampened skin, never staying on your clit long enough to give you the pleasure you need but enough to make you squirm.

“You were watching me?” you finally gasp out, before it clicks in your brain how dumb of a question it was. He told you a long time ago that he always will keep an eye on you, and knowing what he is and the things he can do, you had no reason to not believe him.

“I always am my pretty baby,” he coos before pressing teasing kisses to your open mouth, seemingly tasting and feeding off of every little noise that slips out, “and it hurts to see you let such a nasty man touch you where only I should. You didn’t even notice him following you out of that trashy club did you, silly thing?”

You jerk back as much as you can with the way he holds you, eyes widening at the news that you were apparently being followed without your knowledge. Every emotion that swims in your brain feels like its fighting for dominance, but with the way he chooses to dip his middle and ring fingers just barely past your entrance you’re struggling to cling to just one.

“God, you are so lucky to have me aren’t you? Who else would take care of creeps and make you feel good hm?” he tilts his head as he speaks, his breath warm against the side of your face before his tongue dips to lick at the shell of your ear, “no one can make you feel the way I do can they?”

“No,” you finally answer after a moment, the word coming out as an airy breath as his fingers finally sink in all the way. He wastes no time before curling them and pressing at the spot that makes your knees buckle, “please Haechan, need you so bad.”

“Oh is that one of those infamous lies of yours you were talking about?” he pulls away slightly, but shows no interest in slowing the motions of his hand, “well it can’t be can it? I can always tell you know? Can hear the way your heart picks up when you lie, much different than the way it does when you’re about to come for me.”

His wrist starts to move faster, the heel of his hand finally pressing and rubbing against your clit as the muscles of his forearm start to strain. The telling signs of your orgasm feel too sudden, too fast, and with his hand still constricting the blood that tries to flow to your head all you can do is let your eyes roll as your breathing comes out as small puffs.

“But since you’ve asked so nicely,” you can only let out a pathetic cry when he pulls his hand away from you suddenly, your lack of oxygen being the only thing stopping you from letting out a scream loud enough for the whole block to hear as he denies you of any stimulation. All you can do is let out incoherent babbling and whines as your hands reach up to dig your nails into the leather jacket protecting his forearms.

He releases your neck, your skin burning from the friction and the sudden amount of oxygen and blood returning to your head making you dizzy. And while your eyes roll as they try to refocus and your heart rate begins to slow to normal, he grabs your wrists and pushes your weakened form to be flush against the wall thats scrapes against your exposed skin.

“You are by far the best thing ive ever tasted,” he mutters, not concerned with whether you heard him or not, before his mouth latches to the side of your neck. He seems to find the most interest in the finger prints he left behind, as he pulls the tender skin between his sharp teeth and works to create a bruise that won’t leave you for another week.

Regardless of denying you a proper release, he considers himself to still be a generous guy. As his tongue lays flat against the burning skin of your neck, he starts to kick at your feet until your clumsy legs are falling apart wide enough for him to press his thigh against your skin, and in the exact way he predicted, you can’t help but to begin grinding helplessly against him.

One of the main reasons the dress that you currently wear is one of his favorites, is the neckline. Low enough to show the expanse of your chest and just enough of your cleavage to make him salivate. He’s as transparent as glass with this love, especially as he mouth travels down between your collarbones and sternum.

You can hear a quiet pop in the fabric of the neckline when he bites down and begins to pull it with him as he sinks down to the floor, the huff you let out being both in frustration from him further ruining a nice dress and your impatience.

The straps dig harshly into the skin of your shoulders before they give and fall, the sudden lack of support making it easier for Haechan to take the fabric and expose your chest to the cold air.

The look in his eyes when you look down is mean and predatory, you fear one day he’ll snap and consume you whole, but for today he settles for wrapping his swollen lips around your nipple and sucking harshly.

Your hips quicken involuntary, broken moans filling the empty alley as you twitch and squirm in his hold. He seems to grow irritated at your impatience as he shoves your wrists back harshly, his knuckles audibly scraping against the brick.

“You can never be patient to save your life,” his head tilts forward and he presses his forehead against your sternum with a huff before he’s leaning back up to press a sloppy kiss against your panting mouth, “you’re lucky I missed you so much or otherwise you’d be in for a lot longer of a night.”

He keeps your wrists trapped in his hold as he moves to kneel on the ground, the rough and dirtied pavement doing nothing to help the tears that already litter his jeans.

You feel your face flush when he lets go of one wrist and uses his newly freed hand to shove the hem of your dress up and around your hips, and the burning beneath your skin only worsens when he leans forward and breathes deeply with his nose pressed against your pubic bone.

He leans back for a moment, his hand wrapping around the bend of your knee to pull your leg to rest on his shoulder and you feel your shoulder sting from the wall cutting into your skin from him moving you like a doll.

“Haechan,” you whisper his name out with a pout that you hope will get you exactly what you want, but you can only huff and petulantly twitch when he begins nipping and licking at the skin on the insides of your thighs.

His teeth are sharper than most, and he usually airs on the side of caution because he’s aware of this. His bites are gentle for the most part, but when you begin to peak in your feelings of impatience, you can’t help the way your hips begin jerking forwards in search of his tongue.

His palm pushing against your hip is his first warning, a generous one in his opinion, but when the warning seems to fly completely over your pretty little head he has no other choice but to lean forward and sink his teeth into delicate skin at the bend of your thigh.

You cry out for a second before you’re tucking your lip between your teeth. It stings terribly, the skin breaking around his teeth burns but you can’t stop the way you revel in the sharp pain. And at the exact same moment you taste the metallic ting of the blood falling from your bitten lip, you feel the same warm thick liquid drip from the wounds he’s created and straight into his grinning mouth.

More blood falls freely when he pulls his teeth from your flesh, his warm tongue flattening against the injury immediately to catch as much of the liquid as possible.

He laps at it for a moment, savoring as much of the taste of your life source as possible, before he starts at the bottom of the bite mark and drags slowly up.

Once his tongue moves off the wound, he continues across your skin. The moment he hits your labia, you let out a gasp and jerk against him again, your mind completely erasing the fact that the bite was meant to be a punishment for that exact thing.

He seems to have forgotten him wanting you to remain still, as he doesn’t hesitate in the slightest until his licking across your stil swollen bundle of nerves.

He moans as the flavor of your arousal mixes with the still lingering taste of your blood, the vibrations shooting straight up your spine and making you shiver.

He tilts his head up to smile at you, his eyes shining as he grabs your hands and moving them to thread into his curled hair.

“Why are you shivering?” he asks with a faux concern, his right hand smoothing over your thigh before pushing between your legs to return his fingers to their spot inside of you, immediately pumping and curling them slowly, “are you cold or something? Maybe it’s because you’re in such a skimpy little dress?”

You groan out in annoyance at his playful act, your eyes rolling back but for once not in pleasure. It’s not until he starts to proudly giggle to himself do you exploit the hold you have on the back of his head to push him back to your body.

You fear that being shoved around may be the exact thing Haechan would have wanted, when he happily moans before latching his lips to your clit again, but the pleasure that melts your muscles erases any need to call him out on his deviousness and perverted enjoyment.

He seems happy with your moving hips when they start to move against his waiting face. Your fingers mindlessly and desperately tug at his scalp as your head tilts back and thumps against the wall.

The hand that isn’t pressed deeply inside you slides across your hip, his callused fingers making goosebumps run up your arms as they push into your lower belly.

You can feel yourself fluttering around his fingers as the curl and push apart, your thighs tensing around his bobbing head as he licks and bites gently at your clit. It feels like it’s harder to catch your breath and you know you’re only moments from orgasm.

“Please, please,” you start to stutter the word over and over, praying both that he lets you come and that you’re neighbors are deep enough in sleep to not hear the noises you know will escape you.

You almost cry in relief when you feel his shoulders shift, his face and fingers both pressing deeper from the movement in a way that tells you he has no intention on letting up on your shivering body.

His blunt nails start to scratch into your skin and you can feel his heavy panting breath against your skin every time he begins to lap at you desperately. You can feel your muscles lose even more strength, and your head becoming heavier and dazed as he coaxed you closer and closer to your finish.

Your shoulders twitch up towards your ears and you feel your stomach clench as your back curves, small whines and whimpers leave you as the heel of your foot thumps against the space between his shoulder blades.

You gasp out when you feel it, them. They start as small bumps beneath your palms, and you feel your chest tighten when it clicks what they are.

He’s always had a good hold on controlling them, keeping them hidden so he can wreak havoc without being clocked as something inhuman. They had peaked out a few times, usually in moments like this, but it’s such a rarity that you can’t stop the way your heart begins to thump in your chest.

Out of everything about him, you were obsessed with all of him, but you loved his horns the most. They were small and sharp at the side of his head and the way he looks when they’re poking out amongst his curled hair, and especially when he was grumpy or mad, made you want to jump on him and kiss him all over.

You were so caught up and distracted by them growing to full size directly under your hands you forgot how sharp they were at their tapered ends. The reminder you get is when they sharply down push into your palms like thorns.

You gasp sharply, but the way they curl makes you afraid to pull away. It makes you tremble and flush with embarrassment, but the pain bleeding into your hands is the last straw on your nerves. All you can do is wrap your now bleeding hands around the horns and cry out into the cold air as your erratic hips move across his face.

He groans deeply against you as your nails scrape at the skin that surrounds the base of his horns, the feeling of his and his still moving tongue pushes you through and past your gasping orgasm.

You sign in relief when he finally detaches from your body, his mouth moving up to press your hip and across the space of your stomach the dress reveals. He puts your leg down slowly and he creeps back up your torso, now hyper aware of your wounded hands still stuck on his horns.

“Sorry my love, they’re kinda sharp aren’t they?” he rhetorically asks with a soft but guilty grin. He stays ducked down enough that your hands don’t go too high that they start to slip, and he follows with his own to help you detach them.

“I just keep making my mark on you tonight huh?” he sighs as he stands at full height and brings your still bleeding hands to his face. You grit your teeth and scrunch your nose when he gives you a knowing look that says ‘we both know what I have to do.’

He is quick and gentle when he swipes his tongue across the deep cuts in your hands, not wanting it to sting more than necessary.

A teasing grin fills his face when he looks up to see the tired pout on your face, “just like the one on your leg, there won’t be anything left than a bruise if you just wait like an hour,” he’s sincere in his words, and you know it works, but you still feel all wounded and tired.

“Take me home,” you demand, wrapping your slowly healing hands around his shoulders and leaning until your head rests against his shoulder.

“Hey now,” he contradicts his tone by wrapping his arm around your waist and helping guide you walk to your apartment, “you still have to feed Oscar, and take a shower, and I’m not even full yet so you have to let me play with you until I wear you out.”

His tone is far too genuine and loving for the words he says, and you swat weakly at his chest in annoyance, but all he does in response is a laugh.

#nct smut #haechan smut #nct imagine #nct oneshot #haechan oneshot #haechan imagine #nct 127 smut #nct dream smut #kpop smut #nct fic #nct fanfic

[kn1feinthec0ffee]

new love - spencer reid

spencer reid x fem!reader

summary: spencer tells the team about his new girlfriend, y/n.

warnings: fluff in its purest form.

word count: 1503

notes: IM BACK!!! i know it’s been a little while since i posted anything but i actually had the time (and motivation) to write this and i think it’s rlly cute!!

********************

spencer gazed down at you as you slept, adoration filling his eyes.

last night was the first night you had slept over at his place. he wasn’t really against the idea, other than the fact that you’d wake up alone in his bed. he wished he could stay and cuddle you longer, but unfortunately serial killers had a habit of killing innocent people. it was spencer’s duty to prevent that, and well - duty calls.

spencer couldn’t seem to spur his legs into action, the image of you still asleep and curled up under his covers was one too precious to walk away from. you were spread out on your stomach, your hair sprawled out across the pillow underneath your head, your hands softly grasping the comforter.

spencer found himself immensely grateful for his eidetic memory so that he could never forget how adorable you looked.

in lieu of fully rousing you to say goodbye, he decided on placing a kiss on your forehead. the whimper that the small action elicited from you made his heart clench - and made it that much tougher to leave you.

spencer quickly found some spare notepaper and scribbled a note for you encouraging to call or text if you felt lonely, his chicken scratch hardly legible in his haste.

——————————

as he sat on the train that morning, he couldn’t help but realize that everything just seemed so much better now that you were a permanent fixture in spencer’s life. it was as if his life were a coloring page that had suddenly been filled in with the most vibrant of markers - as cliche as that sounds.

the inconveniences that plagued him almost daily now seemed like nothing - for example, the embarrassing half-jog-half-sprint he had to do in order to make it onto the train in time. spencer felt like he had a new outlook on life, and it was all owed to you.

spencer arrived at work, walking into the bullpen with a noticeable pep in his step as he made his way over to his desk. he set down his satchel, only to glance up and find morgan and jj staring at him.

“do i have something on my face?” he frowned, wiping at his face to ensure there was nothing there.

“you didn’t head to the coffee machine straight away,” morgan pointed out, swiveling his chair to face him.

“i, uh, don’t feel like i need it?” spencer’s brows knit in utter confusion at the sudden interrogation he found himself a part of.

“you always get a cup of coffee in the morning, spence, regardless of whether or not we’ve got a case.” jj chimed in.

“and?” he wasn’t quite sure what the point of all this was.

“do you mean to tell us the doctor actually got a decent amount of sleep last night?” derek scoffed.

“i suppose so. is that an issue?” spencer cocked his head, much like a puppy dog.

“no, it’s not an issue at all, it’s just unusual for you.” jj shared a look with morgan, who stood up from his chair to saunter over to the doctor’s desk.

“so who’s the lucky girl, pretty boy?” he grinned.

the heat instantaneously rose to spencer’s cheeks at his words. “wh-what? what girl? i have no clue what you’re talking about!”

“come on, spence, you don’t expect us to realize the way you walked into work with a grin on your face? that hardly ever happens before you’ve gotten any caffeine in you, which - if you’ll remember correctly - you didn’t even have this morning.” jj grinned at the blushing boy.

“come on, that’s no fair! you guys know we’re not supposed to profile each other!” he practically whined, crossing his arms over his chest.

“ooh, who’s profiling who?” penelope said as she scurried towards the trio. “woah - boy wonder you are glowing. what are you hiding from me?”

before he could stop him from answering, derek spoke. “we think pretty ricky’s got a girlfriend.”

a sudden expression of pure joy made its way onto the analyst’s face as a smile lit up her face. “please, please tell me he’s right!”

spencer weighed his options carefully. the two of you were relatively new, and he didn’t want to spoil anything by telling his friends about you so soon. but on the other hand, every time he’d brought them up, you’d mentioned how much you’d love to meet them all one day. so he figured, what would be the harm in telling them?

“yeah. i do have one. a girlfriend, that is.” he spoke awkwardly.

penelope practically squealed as she pulled him into a bone-crushing hug. “i’m so happy for you! but spencer reid, how could you hide this from us? but i need to know absolutely every last detail!”

the way she flipped from excitedness to borderline anger left spencer feeling a little frazzled, but nonetheless happy to share. “her name is y/n, and she works in the bookstore downtown. that’s actually where we met.”

“y/n reid really has a ring to it, doesn’t it?” penelope exclaimed, clasping her hands together.

derek noticed how flustered spencer was becoming with all the sudden attention on both him and his love life and opted to pull her back slightly. “alright, let’s reign it in, babygirl. he only just mentioned her, i’m sure they’re not getting hitched any time soon.”

he sent derek a thankful look before continuing. “we’ve only been dating for a month now, i don’t think either of us are ready for that yet,” he laughed nervously.

“what’s she like?” jj asked, perching on the edge of his desk.

“i can’t even - i don’t even have the words to articulate how wonderful she is,” spencer sighed dreamily. “she’s just so kind and loving and funny and so, so beautiful.”

morgan and jj exchanged a knowing look, while penelope looked like a child who had finally gotten the pony she kept asking for.

“y/n’s one lucky girl,” she grinned a toothy grin. “speaking of y/n, when might the lucky lady like to meet us? please tell me she wants to meet us.”

“she actually really wants to meet you guys, she-“ spencer was cut off as garcia whisked him away to arrange a date with the whole team.

before she could get too far, morgan grabbed him by the arm. “seriously kid, i’m happy for you. she seems like she makes you really happy.”

spencer could only offer a quick ‘thanks’ in response before garcia dragged him all the way to her cave to plan.

——————————

“you’re home!” spencer heard you shout as he stepped past the door. he braced for impact as you practically launched yourself into his arms. “how was your day, baby?”

he smiled, pressing a quick kiss to your forehead as you pulled away. “it was good, just a paperwork day, but i didn’t get much done - except for one thing.”

“and what was that?” you quirked a brow at his odd statement.

“i might’ve told the team about us,” he grew slightly panicked as he noticed the shocked expression on your face. “i-i hope that’s okay with you. i know i didn’t ask, but i-“

you took his hands in yours, gently thumbing over his knuckles. “it’s fine by me, i just wasn’t sure if you were comfortable with it, spence.”

his heart skipped a beat at your thoughtfulness, pressing a kiss to your hands. “i don’t know, i guess in that moment, any doubt in my mind went away. n-not that there was any to begin with!”

you stepped up to place a chaste kiss to his lips, silencing his clarifications. “it’s okay, i think it’s sweet. so, what’d they say?”

“they were really happy for me, and i think garcia nearly burst a blood vessel when i told her.” the two of you giggled. “they kept saying how lucky you were, but i couldn’t help but think that i’m the lucky one.”

“oh they’re absolutely right there. i am the lucky one. how else could i have ended up with such a catch like you?” you smirked at the growing blush on your boyfriend’s cheeks.

“after i told them about you, garcia dragged me away to go plan a date for you to meet them, a-and i told her this friday would be fine, so i hope that’s okay with you.” spencer admitted, looking down at you hopefully.

“spence? are you kidding?” you beamed, clasping your hands together in excitement. “i can hardly wait!” you wrapped your arms around his neck, pulling him down for your lips to meet.

his hand came up to cup your cheek, thumbing softly over your cheekbone as he smiled into the kiss. when you finally pulled away, you motioned for him to follow you into the kitchen for dinner.

as you practically skipped away, all spencer could think about was how incredibly thrilled he was to have met you. he wondered if maybe his teammates were right: you were both the lucky ones.

********************

i LOVE how this turn out and i put a lot of thought into this and actually had some friends read over it before i posted it so i hope u guys love it too 😊

as usual i’m tagging ppl on my taglist & ppl who i think might be interested :)

tags: @sojournmichael @stinkyelf @crazyfore3 @cal-ifornication @eggygorl02 @howdycharlie @eosprincess @mortallythoughtfulgurl @illuxions-x @unlikelyempathpruneauthor @blankets-for-bees @holycandypizza @flyingbabyunicornnamedangel @lovelyrdjr @elitereid @minnie-bby @rexorangecouny @ashwarren32 @fantastic-fans @keomoon @elric8097 @jjtheangel @spacedikut @whoreforthebau @angelbunnyoxo @theonewithcriminalminds @andiebeaword @big-galaxy-chaos @beatleszeppelin @averyhotchner @dreatine @you-sunshine

#i sound like a broken record but i really like this a lot #spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid oneshot #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fic #spencer reid criminal minds #criminal minds #cm #criminal minds x reader #cm x reader #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler character #mgg #mgg character #my writing

[bluebuckstallion]

the sun will rise again - mlp fic p2

part one contents: aj and big mac are like. 13 and 15. big mac realizes she is a trans woman, and is guided by applejack, but there is much more to it than just that lol. its also a little hard for her. sappy, feel-good, tough internal conflict but overall happy fic. paragraph one is previewed here, the rest is below the cut! disclaimer: there is no transphobia in this fic lmao im not gonna write abt horse transphobia. this is a feel good. but cw for fear of outing (note: i am aware my blog makes posts a little hard to read bc of a glitch, i am trying to fix it at the moment, i apologize D: i rec reading it on tumblr mobile or highlighting the words as you read, im sorry!) paragraph one: The wind whispered lovingly, cooling little Big Mac and Applejack's drowsy heads. A time like this in a young pony's life can be very confusing, something the two of them had grown to be very familiar with. Applejack rested his backside against the trunk of one of his family's old apple trees, if they had no where else to take solace, at least they had the orchard and each other's company, he thought. It felt nice, having this little secret kept safe by somepony you knew would protect it, and who still cared about you just the same. "If nopony accepts us, at least we have each other. I don't care if it's just you and me, Big Mac, we'll be jus' fine." Applejack stated in a soft voice, breaking the silence. He was accepting of his circumstances, no matter how they turned out. As long as him and his sister ended up okay. And again, he was sure they would. Big Mac smiled and folded her hooves neatly, "Eeyup."

-

Applejack worked his fluffy hooves through Big Mac's mane, doing his absolute best to make the fine ginger hair into a braid. He wanted to do something nice for his sister, something to celebrate her bravery and courage in realizing - and telling - Applejack, and he wanted her to feel nice in her own body, even if she couldn't change much right now, or for a while. No matter how small the act, Big Mac was especially grateful. Nobody had ever treated her like this, on purpose at least, like she was a mare. And every chance Applejack could sieze he would do just that, remind her that was what, *who* she was. "So, Big Mac, what do you reckon I call you now?" With that her eyes widened, and her brows furrowed, it caught her off guard. "Like...my name? I didn't know I could change my name..." she let out, slightly confused, a tender hoof raising to her chin as she thought hard. "Yeah!" AJ beamed, not straying from his tedious work. Big Mac, still lying down, started shuffling her hooves again. "Well... I always thought if I were a girl my name would be something pretty, which I mean, I am a girl and all, but I don't feel very pretty ever," she admitted disheartened. "You're plenty pretty! You're an Apple! You wouldn't say Ma or Granny wasn't pretty, would you?" Applejack pointed out, gesturing absentmindedly in the air with his hooves, then promptly returning back to his work, being sure to keep a steady hoof. "Well... Nope." Big Mac blurted awkwardly, pursing her lips. "But-" she began. "No 'but's'!" Applejack interjected, "You're an Apple, and a dang pretty one!" Applejack closed his eyes and lifted his head proudly, putting his non-dominant hoof against his puffed chest, "Look at me, I'm an Apple and I'd say I'm awful handsome, just like Pa!" he said with an endearing foal-like passion and certainty. He chuckled, his cheeks growing slightly cherry as he let out a tiny chuckle, and got back to his work, about a quarter way down the locks. Big Mac grinned slightly, "I suppose," and tapped her hooves together shyly, playing with the grass falling between them. "You know, I always did think my mane was a little long for a stallion," she laughed playfully, diverting from the subject and trying to reassure herself. She went to touch her mane, and was swiftly batted away by Applejack's quick hoof, "Nuh-uh Big Mac, I'm workin' here. Don't go touchin' it now," he said sternly but still non-maliciously. He just wanted it to look perfect for his big sister, he wanted her to be proud, and feel as pretty as she could. Applejack wanted to know how it felt to look pretty, too, but in the way he'd always dreamed of. He wondered often if he'd ever get the blessing of such a wonderful feeling. "Applejack, do you ever wish you were born a colt?" Big mac asked genuinely, still a little unsure of what Applejack was feeling, but knowing there was solidarity in it somewhere, she just had to understand it a little more. "Well - not really," Applejack spat out, his eyes looking away from his busy hooves, and quickly darting back to them before he drifted off in fantasy. He thought about it for a second, and still felt strange. "I wasn't really born a filly or a colt... or anything, I think, I was just born me. And I wouldn't really have it any other way. Sure, I mean, maybe I'd like shorter hair or somethin', or a uh," he struggled to find the words in his young foal vocabulary, "maybe if my nose was a little more colt-ish I'd be happy. But I think I'm pretty happy with me now. I do hope when I'm older my voice is a little better, though. I can't really do much though," he sighed dismissively. He continued, "I don't ever really feel too bad about who I am... I think I just feel happy about who I am. When I see myself as not a colt and not a filly, just a foal, a pony, it makes me real happy-like. But, I don't get too sad unless people are real serious about calling me a filly. I do get sad sometimes though, when I look too much like a filly to other people..." As Applejack placed an orchard blossom in Big Mac's hair, tucked snug and safe behind her ear, a thought went through Big Mac's head. "Applejack!" she jumped up, the rush of movement startling him, who was so concentrated seconds prior. "Let's give you a haircut! It'll be like how you braided my hair for me, we can cut yours!" Applejack nervously rubbed his elbow, then raising his hoof lightly beneath his muzzle, and he began to sweat. "Well, I, what if Ma and Pa don't like it?" Big Mac thought hard as Applejack grimaced, "Well, we can hide it with one of Pa's hats, an' I'm sure they won't mind," she suggested happily. Applejack considered briefly, just for a moment, the downsides of it all. He then immediately turned them all away and smiled so hard his eyes shut, stomping his front hooves against the ground up and down, "Okay, let's do it Big Mac!" As they galloped back to the barn, Applejack had suddenly realized he was so surprised with how much Big Mac had been talking, she never seemed so excited to talk about anything, and he realized how much this all meant to her. It meant a lot to him, too. Especially that his sister was so supportive while still knowing so little, but in her defense, he didn't know much either. It was a very special feeling, he thought to himself, very pleased. They skidded to a halt clumsily as they reached the doors to the barn. Foal-ishly peeking through the front windows, they realized it was only Granny and baby Bloom home, their parents must be out. They looked at each other, grinning, and cantered to the back, sneaking inside through the back door. When they made it to the bathroom, Applejack noted Big Mac looked a little worn out, wearing a tired look on her face. She figured all this chattiness probably made her sister a little exhausted. He shot a reassuring patended Sibling glance at her telling her all she needed to know, not needing words. Big Mac let out a gentle smile. She helped her little brother reach the cabinet above the sink, reaching the scissors that were so high up it took them both working together to reach. Applejack had a slight doubt in his mind, his parents probably didn't want him touching the scissors by himself, did they? But he had his big sister with him, and it had to be done! Nopony else would, and only they understood. Applejack balanced shakily with two hooves on Big Mac's back, warily reaching one back hoof up onto the sink, as he balanced with his two front hooves against the edge of the cabinet. He grasped the scissors between his teeth, and brashly jumped down, just barely missing a potential accident, even though they both knew better than to jump around with scissors, they threw caution to the wind regardless. Applejack happily put his front hooves on the rim of the sink, tapping them and bopping his little head, he looked at his big sister, who began working at his hair. Big Mac chopped with a great lack of care, playfully snipping one strand then the next. Applejack beamed the whole time, simply happy to have it happen, plan or not. Big Mac frequently spun around him, balancing on three hooves and sometimes getting in so close that she held his face with one hoof, his hair with another, and cut with the scissors firm in her mouth. Applejack's body relaxed completely and was kicking and rearing with every cut, wiggling and happily holding his front hooves together and constantly swishing his head from side to side to check how it looked, one side fell to his muzzle, and the other to his chin. He smiled bigger than ever before. With the final snip, Big Mac dropped the scissors carelessly to the tile below. She gently grasped Applejack's chin and turned her sibling's head forward to face the mirror, and his mouth immediately fell agape, his jaw slack, and his eyes slowly widening with the purest joy there ever was. He cupped his hooves to his mouth, removing them, turning his head to the side, and then fixing himself and putting his hooves to his open mouth once again. He felt a soft tug in his throat and his chest, and he couldn't control the watering in his eyes, "Big Mac!!" his voice cracked. "Yes Applejack?" the filly said apprehensively, fearing that she had done something wrong. "Oh Big Mac, oh my gosh I love it so so much!!" He bucked and whinnied, spinning in circles, his once-flowing tail too short to trip over now, and the euphoria of it all was the most overwhelming emotion little Applejack had ever felt. The tugging became so immense he couldn't ignore it, and he acknowledged it by leaping onto Big Mac with a hearty hug, squeezing her tight as his little arms could, and he rubbed his muzzle into her neck. Big Mac politely pushed her hoof between her neck and AJ's hoof, making sure he didn't squeeze too tight, struggling slightly to breathe. This foal was definitely a strong one. "Thank you so much big sis!!! I feel so great!!" he neighed, stepping back, one hoof raised wiping his immense wave of tears. The feeling of euphoria shot through his body in a rush, showing itself in the form of a tiny but powerful hop, as he lifted his legs into the air and threw them around. Applejack rushed back to the mirror, urging Big Mac to come look as well, as she didn't quite see herself yet with her hair "done all proper-like." Big Mac's face became pale, as she felt the rush of a thousand different emotions. The paranoia became astounding again, what if she didn't like how she looked as a filly? What if she still didn't feel right? What if it wasn't - Her thoughts were abruptly cut short by Applejack tugging her over, knowing her sister just sometimes needed a push in the right direction. "Lookie Big Mac!!" he placed his arm cheerfully around her, wrapping it over her back. Big Mac's eyes were glued shut, and she only bashfully peeked one eye open because curiosity would've ate her alive otherwise, and deep down she knew she had to see herself eventually. She uncovered her hoof from her eye, and opened both of them slowly. Her mouth opened ever so slightly, and she wasn't even aware she had stopped breathing, her eyes fluttered up and down the braided locks, along with her heart, and her eyes landed on the blossom in her ear. She couldn't speak, her throat clogged up from such elation. She felt the choking once again, but it wasn't like before, this feeling was quite welcoming actually. It rushed from her throat up to her head, and took her breath away. The sobbing ebbed at her cheeks right away, and she turned to look at her brother. As they spoke with lack of words, they stared with inordinate graditude. As Big Mac smoothly turned back to the mirror, Applejack stomped all his hooves again, one after the other with no apparent order or care, shaking his head in a frenzy as his ears twitched and he smiled a mile wide. He finally felt *pretty.* Big Mac watched herself adoringly, for the first time ever, and felt this acceptance and understanding of herself coursing through her veins with a confidence she'd never had. She blushed, and her ears fell downward, a small smile creeping onto her face. "Applejack," she whispered softly, as if she were too worried the world would hear her secrets. Applejack peered closer with wide, curious eyes, "Yeah Big Mac?" he whispered back. "My name.." she mumbled. Applejack raised his eyebrows, captivated, as Big Mac slowly lifted her hoof to the blossom behind her ear. "Blossom?" Applejack stated inquisitively, before Big Mac could shake her head AJ corrected himself, "Orchard Blossom!" he exlaimed, leaning back and jumping in the air, "Oh big sis, that's so pretty!! I love it so much!!" Orchard Blossom nervously gestured for him to keep it down, as he was prone to being unaware of his volume control. Applejack embarassedly covered his mouth with a shy smile, "Oops, sorry big sis." he cleared his throat, "Orchard Blossom!!" he yell-whispered, the excitement shining through him, he stamped his tiny hooves and clapped them together in celebration. "That's so pretty, Orchard Blossom!" Applejack told her earnestly, loving the new name. "I don't think I want a new name, but I'm really happy ya found one you like!" "Orchard Blossom, Orchard Blossom, Orchard Blossom!" Applejack repeated, playfully prancing in circles, excited by the sight of his short tail, he spun even faster. "What's all that commotion in there? Applejack? Big Mac? Are ya in there?" they heard through the shut door, hoofsteps gradually approaching, painstakingly slow but steady. Both of them felt their hearts drop from their chest as they froze, unable to even fathom moving. How would they explain any of this? Applejack hurried to clean up desperately, brushing the hair together with his hooves, coldly sweating from his brow as he frantically hurried to remove any evidence. He stopped mid-sweep to quickly shove his father's hat on his head, which slumped immediately and blocked his vision. "Oh dangit Blossom, Pa's hat's too big! I can't see!!" Orchard Blossom was still unmoving, sheer panic stopping her very breaths. Applejack felt the tugging in his throat rise up again as he began whimpering.

#applejack mlp #big mac mlp #mlp fanfic #mlp fic #mlp writing #mlp au #mlp #applejack #big mac #trans applejack #trans big mac #my little pony #lesbian applejack #lesbian big mac #orchard blossom #trans au #the sun will rise again

[bookofmormonmemes]

I don't think comp het would be strong enough to lead Corianton to seek out a female harlot when he could have easily Not Done That and spared himself and his family and his church the embarrassment. What else could he possibly have hoped to gain from that decision besides satisfying the lusts of his eyes? I mean, Alma clearly thought that Corianton's horniness was the main problem and there's no evidence to the contrary. Why out of Alma's sons would you think Corianton is gay?

honestly? projection. like not to get personal but comp het was strong enough scare the hell out of my parents with how quickly and intensely physical my relationship with my boyfriend got in my freshman year of college. I’m an afab person and I am not attracted to boys, but for a while I thought maybe it was just because I wasn’t trying hard enough--wasn’t opening up enough, wasn’t letting myself enjoy his affection. At this time, I was still operating under the viewpoint that marrying a man was the only way for me to ever be happy, in this life or the next. If I could endure my discomfort long enough to eventually accept and actually enjoy our physical relationship, that meant that i Could have a happy heterosexual marriage in the future 

and i tried to speedrun it! i went way outside my comfort zone, definitely way outside the For the Strength of Youth guidelines--because the alternative was, if I couldn’t force myself to feel something for him, then i would Never have that happiness. If I Could eventually become attracted to him, then I had a future. I could repent of this unchastity and try again. if i Couldn’t, that was it--I was fully a lesbian and my only choices were either celibacy or apostasy.

(i don’t feel that way anymore. this boy and I broke up after like 4 months. im v happy with the girlfriend I have now and I think our relationship and the affection between us has progressed much more naturally and comfortably and im very grateful for that.)

I think it’s entirely possible Corianton could have had those same (or similar) feelings. Alma specifies that Corianton is in his youth, so I think he might have been just starting to realize he’s different, and didn’t know what to do when confronted with the possibility that he might not like women. So he goes after a harlot, someone who’s already stolen away the hearts of many, someone with enough celebrity for Alma to call her out by name. It’s like when you ask a closeted lesbian her celebrity crush and she just says Chris (Chris Evans? Chris Pine? Just whoever’s most popular, whoever everybody else has a crush on!). Because if he can really feel that lust for Isabel, then afterwards he can repent and find a Good Mormon Nephite Girl to actually fall in love with. If he can’t manage any attraction to Siron’s Top Sexiest Bachelorette, he’s done for. It’s a last-ditch effort to fit the mold.

And it doesn’t work. He comes home, having embarrassed his family and his church, and he sits down for a lecture and he is Not Having A Good Time. Which...I think may be the reason Alma perceives that Corianton’s so worried about mortality and the afterlife. After falling so far and failing so bad, Corianton may have very well been suicidal at this point. If he doesn’t have any hope of Hetero Happiness in this life, maybe his only shot is in the next.

So in the end of chapter 41, Alma talks about resurrection and restoration in a way that I think is pretty key to this interpretation. Every queer member of the Church has heard that they’ll be “fixed” (i.e. made straight/cis) in the Resurrection, but Alma refutes that in this section so hard and so explicitly. In verse 12-13: “Is the meaning of the word restoration to take a thing of a natural state and put it in an unnatural state, or to place it in a state opposite to its nature? O, my son, this is not the case; but the meaning of the word restoration is to bring back again evil for evil...good for that which is good.” Whether good or bad, Corianton isn’t gonna be changed in the Resurrection; he’s not gonna be a different person, he’s not gonna be rid of what he perceives as being wrong with him. That might be a comfort. It might not. But it’s the truth.

In the next chapter Alma goes on to specify that this life is the time to fix what we’ve done wrong. And specifically, that we can fix what we’ve done wrong. And also that that’s not necessarily a get-out-of-jail-free card! Corianton should NOT have abandoned his mission to go after Isabel, regardless of his reasons. And he’s not gonna change his nature in the next life. So right now, he needs to repent. He needs to accept his nature. He does have hope, and he has that hope of happiness in goodness, in treating others with truth and mercy and service. 

 Alma closes chapter 41 not with a call to be more virtuous or pure, but to be merciful and just with his brethren and to do good--focusing not on how righteous we are in our own selves, but how we treat one another. Finally, he closes chapter 42 (and his talk to corianton in general) similarly: “Go thy way, declare the word with truth and soberness, that thou mayest bring souls unto repentance, that the great plan of mercy my have claim upon them.” Basically: you screwed up, kiddo, but I love you and I believe in you and you’ve got good work to do. Don’t worry. Be kind. Keep determined. Find joy in community. You have hope.

also when all is said and done corianton goes on the cool sailing pilgrimage with hagoth & co. which is Very Gay if i may say 

So. Do I think Corianton was gay, and do I think I have good reason for that? Yes. Do I think he was out to his dad, or that Alma would have been supportive, or that Nephite society would have the same homophobia and heteronormativity as the Church today? I don’t know. I’m more of an artist than a scholar--I interpret based on how I feel. I liken the scriptures to myself. This is the evidence I see, this is the story I feel is behind it, this is the eisegesis I’m choosing to take from it. Because it speaks to me, and I relate to it!

I hope this has been a thoughtful adequate answer, but to really tl;dr it basically he’s gay cus im gay and i said so, and that’s really all there needs to be to it! Thank you for sending me this ask and thereby allowing me the space to really study and wax long-winded about this jsdfghjdjfg. gay sailor rights and i hope u have a lovely sunday

#led #ask #anonymous #THIS IS A LONG ONE FOLKS #alma 39-42 #and also a brief mention of #alma 63:5-10 #gay sailor RIGHTS #lemme know if i need to put any warnings on this cus its a little heavy but #also lemme know if i should split it into a keep readin sdfgdhfgj #stead of just. fillin ur dash #im leaving it as is for now but yeah #yeah. #also if anyone tries to call me out for saying im not attracted to boys while thirsting over podcast and anime boys on my main #fictional characters don't count #and i will die by that sword

[thisuserlovesnayeon]

hello everyone! well i dont know who i mean by “everyone” considering my blog is basically an echo chamber for my own thoughts and feelings but nevertheless hello! as you may have seen already loads on your dash, everyone’s whipping out the end of year shoutout posts thanking the people who have made this dark hellhole seem a bit brighter. im going to do the same - so to all the people tagged below thank you very much for your services to my mental wellbeing!! as an avid fanfic consumer i will say the amount i interact with said fanfic writers is quite atrocious - something I hope to improve in the new year. so without further ado, here are some people id like to say thanks and well done to!

🌟 @starrychannies - thank you for being the first skz blog i decided to follow since stanning!! your fics are so beautifully written and you just have this way of writing that fills me with what i can only describe as warmth and love. the little details you put in and how you write the characters (both skz and the reader) is what keeps me coming for more. its like i feel a genuine connection with the characters that rarely occurs in fics it seems and im very grateful for your talent - along with the memey gifsets and picures of course! i genuinely hope 2021 is a gorgeous year for you!

🌷 @akinnie75 - where on earth do i even begin!!! i remember stumbling across your blog on a sunny june afternoon and suddenly it was time for dinner, id read all of your fics multiple times and i could barely remember that the BTS members werent really princes or ghosts or even sociology majors! the way your stories cascade across the page like a giant waterfall is something i havent seen in literature for a really long time. again, im a sucker for characterisation and you absolutely nail it every single time. thank you so much for the work you produce and once again i hope 2021 brings you joy and happiness.

⛩ @chenle - if we’re talking about blogs that fed my skz addiction, it would be a crime not to mention you. i literally vivdly remember sending you an ask saying I dOn’T eVeN kNoW wHo StRaY kIdS aRe YoUr FiCs ArE nIcE tHo and look where we are now. i can sense 2020 was a tough one, as was the case with so many people and whilst a part of me is sad you are no longer writing, i am mostly very grateful for the vast expanse of fics and ideas and stories and headcanons and everything else you blessed your cult with. i sincerely hope you can take this opportunity to rest and rejuvenate and whatever path you choose to take i will support you all the way.

🎨 @ofkimtaehyung - although i mentioned my avid consumption of fanfics, i do enjoy the occasional gifset and fanart too. whilst im past my brief tryst with BTS (she says 👀👀) one would have to be blind to ignore the immeasurable talent you hold. how you manage to manipulate music videos and photoshoots into concert ticket stubs, movie posters and broadway leaflets is honestly beyond me. BTS are already 7 of the most handsome ethereal men to exist and your sublime editing means they end up looking even more heavenly. i hope 2021 brings rewards for your work because it is seriously amazing!

⛓ @anqeluv - your changing aesthetics as well as the 2020 kinktober masterlist were all that i needed to be drawn in. the way you write the filthiest things in the most simple and eloquent manner is severely understated. lots of people tend to go overboard with the ~naughty~ scenes but you keep it the perfect balance of classy and downright filthy which is much appreciated. im very excited to see that you are possibly considering writing for ateez as well - who are one of my newer fav groups! i very much look forward to all that you will bring in 2021 and hope you are safe and well.

🐈 @chaoticminhos - it was priceless that pulled me in and all the rest of your gorgeous fics that have kept me here! and boy am i not complaining. you have such a gentle (ironic for someone called chaos i suppose) way of writing in my opinion, that keeps things flowing and simple without unnecessary embellishments and i just adore it. priceless, in my humble opinion, is such a classic that i keep coming back to. i sit back in awe at the quiet progress of their relationship every goddamn time (as though im reading it for the first time) and im very grateful for the experience. i hope 2021 brings you lots of light and positivity.

there are so many other blogs that have helped me get through this year - whether it be with their creative content like fics, their personalities and jokes shared on their blogs or even advice given to their anons. im sorry i couldnt mention everyone, but do know that if i follow you you hold a very special place in my heart and im very grateful to all of you content creators. people dont appreciate what you do enough, and instead of offering feedback and compliments you get attacked by rude anons demanding more of your work, regardless of what your personal situation might be. you dont deserve this at all and i do hope people have worked on their manners during quarantine now that we have had the time! anyway, to close off, even if you havent done anything this year, im still incredibly proud of you for making it this far. whether we’ve talked before or not (we probably havent im a bit of a hermit i’ll be honest), my inbox is always open. if you need a friend to joke with, a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to - im here. have an absolutely amazing NYE and lets make 2021 our year!!!!!

#skz #ateez #bts #fanfic #end of year thanks post eyyyy #love u all #stay safe!!!

[wienerbarnes]

Guardian

Pairing: Demon!Bucky x Reader

Word Count: 2,119

Warnings: Mention of cancer, maybe angst?, fluffy thoughts at the end, sometimes i feel like these warnings are spoilers sometimes, ya know? 

Prompt: “no, no, no. don’t fear me. everyone fears me.” (bolded)

A/N: this is my submission for the love of my life, @thefvcker-tucker‘s #freaky500wc <3 i loveeeee the idea of this theme bc im a total whore for supernatural and scary stuff ;) go follow my angel, doll!!! she’s amazing and a total babe :) oneshot continued under the cut!

You wield the wooden bat tightly in between your fists, raised and ready to strike, despite how shaky your hands are. Bare toes silently creeping along the floorboards of the hallway of your apartment, feet slowly leading you to your kitchen where the loud bang and clinks of things falling from your counter and to the floor were heard. The oversized shirt that hangs off of your frame causes goosebumps to raise on your legs as the hem brushes against your thighs, or at least you attribute your goosebumps to that and not the possible intruder in your home. Could it be rats? Absolutely. Perhaps maybe even a bird flew in through an open window when your weren’t looking.

You would consider these possibilities if it weren’t for the “Shit!” that was whispered following the cluttering from whatever fell.

The closer you get to your kitchen, the louder everything is. Your heartbeat. Your breathing. Is that the sweat trickling down your neck that you hear? The loudest thing in the apartment, though, is the labored huffing as whoever is in your kitchen picks up your things from the floor and tries to set them on the counter as quietly as possible. You try your hardest to concentrate and focus your hearing, picture where this person is standing in your kitchen as to prepare yourself to attack, even though a battle with a stranger at three in the morning in the middle of your apartment isn’t something you think you’ll ever be prepared for.

You let out three harsh but quiet breaths before forcing your body around the corner and meeting eyes with the robber. You let out a yell as you whack the man across the face with your bat with as much strength as you can muster. He lets out a loud grunt and falls the floor, blood that’s almost black in color sprays across the wall and he groans on the floor. You let out another yelp as an overwhelming amount of adrenaline pumps through every vein in your body. You continue your screaming as you run back down the hall and into your bedroom, slamming the for behind you.

Turning the lock, you drop the bat and scramble around the room in search of your cellphone. Throwing your blankets across the floor in frustration you realize it’s sitting on your coffee table from when you were watching a movie earlier.

“Fuck!” You whimper, realizing you’re locked in your room with nowhere to go while a stranger roams around your apartment.

“Hey! Hold on! Wait!” You hear from the man, voice getting louder as it nears your bedroom. Your breaths come out of your body quicker and quicker; you feel as though your lungs are about to burst. You quickly gather your blankets as a shield and crawl towards the farthest corner of your room.

Your heart catches in your throat as you see the knob turning as the intruder tries to open the door.

“Open the door!” He pleads with you, the knob turning with force as though he hopes it will suddenly unlock by itself.

“Take whatever you want! Please, just don’t hurt me!” You yell back, voice cracking near the end of your beg, the fear overcoming your entire body as tears fill your eyes. You attempt to muffle your hiccups, tears falling from your eyes faster and faster as he continues to turn the knob.

“No, no, no. Don’t fear me. Everyone else fears me.” He whispers, the knob finally stilling and you hear a small movement, as though he situates himself on the floor.

He lets out a long and deep sigh, one that sends exhaustion through your whole body, you feel an immense cloud of tiredness and defeat rise over you, as if he somehow sent everything he was feeling to your body.

“Ugh, you don’t understand. I’m trying to help you, we’re both in trouble and I don’t know how to explain it.” He vents, a small thump heard against the door, his head, you assume.

Bucky has no idea what to do. Slumped on the floor against the door, shirt soaked with his black blood from his now broken nose, there wasn’t a worse way this could’ve gone. He doesn’t feel the pain in his nose anymore; it’s stopped bleeding soon after impact was made and it’ll set itself soon enough. He’s been a demon for a very long time and, although he knows the ins and out of pretty much everything he’s capable of, he’s never really gotten the hang

“We’re… connected.” He tries to begin, but shuts his eyes when he hears your heartbeat quicken. Great, now you probably think he’s some stalker who thinks you two are “meant to be” or something.

“That wasn’t right, uhh,” He corrects. “I’m a demon. Your demon, specifically.” He finally lets out.

“And I know it’s crazy and I know theres a lot of conspiracy about the whole existence of demons and what not and I really don’t want to scare you but, I really need you to hear me out; both of our lives are on the line.” Bucky explains.

He hears you slowly creep closer towards the door and although you don’t lean yourself on the other side as he is, you do put yourself significantly closer to him. His anxiety begins to lower as he hopes he’s getting through to you.

“What do you mean?” You quietly whisper, so quiet he barely heard it. He can hear that your crying has stopped, but your heart hasn’t exactly slowed back to normal.

“Uhh… which part?” Bucky calmly asks.

“The demon part.” You answer, answer slightly muffled by the blanket you’ve wrapped around yourself and covered your face with.

“Oh. So, uhh, everybody has one. Like, sorta how everyone has a guardian angel, everyone has a guardian demon, too. Like the angel and devil on your shoulder, those are real.” He treads lightly, terrified of scaring you again and not being able to get your help at all.

He doesn’t hear any changes in movement or heartbeat or breathing or anything, so he continues.

“How they work, though, is, um,” Bucky pauses, trying to find the simplest words to explain the whole system to you in your scared state. “You know how I said before that we’re connected? Well, when you die, I will die, too. And then… I don’t know what happens after that.” He trails off.

He hears you crawl the rest of the way to reach the door and rest your back against it, matching his position. He plays with a thread on his shirt as he feels the heat radiate through the door and on his back.

“And you said we were both in trouble? Am I dying?” You question, voice still tight and filled with confusion, but intrigued as to what this could mean for your life, that is, if Bucky’s telling the truth.

“Yes,” Bucky answers after a pause of silence. “You have cancer, but it can be treated if you do something about it early. That’s why I’m here; I came to warn you.” He finally tells you, turning his body slightly to rest the side of his head against the door.

He can hear that you’re breathing has slowed as you process the information he just told you.

“So, what, you just don’t want to die yet? Is that it?” You accuse, throat tightening again as your body feels more and more exhausted the longer you sit here listening to this man talk.

Bucky takes a moment to think and gather his thoughts in order to express them correctly. “You’re a really great person. I mean, you do so much for your family, your friends, your job, strangers you meet on the street. Like when you paid for that lady’s coffee the other day at that shop you go to every morning,” He stops himself when he hears your breath hitch. “I’m not ready to die, again. I didn’t live the best life when I was alive and now I get to watch someone else live such a fulfilling life, a life full of meaning where you actually have people care for you, where you’re actually making a difference. I don’t want to give that up just yet. And I don’t want you to have to give up anything, either. You don’t deserve that.” Bucky finishes, emotion piling up in his chest at the thought of losing you and ending up who knows where after he dies, again.

“I’ll… I’ll go to the doctor in the morning.” He hears you sniffle.

“But, if I’m being honest, there’s absolutely no way I’m opening the door, regardless if you’re telling the truth. Demon or not.” You inform him and he lets out a watery chuckle, incredible grateful that you’ll get yourself checked out.

Bucky feels so much happiness in his chest at the thought that he might’ve saved you because of his intrusion tonight. It feels good to actually help someone instead of hurt them, especially help someone as great as you. He clears his throat to compose himself, but his heart is still jumping for joy in his body.

“That’s understandable.” He assures you. “I guess my work here is done; I’ll, uh, leave you alone, then. We’re not really supposed to communicate, but, I wasn’t going to sit around and watch you and not do anything.” Bucky picks himself off the ground but the sound of your voice stops him from walking back down the hall.

“What’s your name?” You ask quickly, as though he’ll disappear forever no that he told you what he needed to.

“Bucky. My name’s Bucky.” He responds. He feels bittersweet. He’s upset with the way he scared you. And he’s upset that you’re sick. And he’s upset that he probably won’t ever see you again; it just isn’t allowed. But he’s so happy to have been able to help you; to have warned you. You’re going to be okay. And so will he.

“Thank you, Bucky.”

…

You don’t leave your bedroom until about two in the afternoon. Everything that happened during the night thoroughly tired out your body. You pulled yourself out of bed and gathered the blanket around your body to hold onto whatever heat is left in the seams. You drag your feet to the door and notice the lock still turned up. A shiver runs down your spine as you’re reminded of the image of a tall man standing in the dark shadows of your kitchen.

“There’s no one here,” You reassure yourself, “C’mon, you gotta go to the doctor.” You try to push yourself.

You twist the lock and open the door before you can try and convince yourself to hide in bed all day. Your hallway is lit by the creaks in your windows from your living room that let the morning light shine through. You slowly make your way to the kitchen and feel a wave of relief when you find it empty. You also notice something else.

The pans that woke you up during the night when Bucky showed up were now stacked neatly on top of your stove and Bucky’s blood that splattered on the wall when you swung at him was now gone. In fact, your kitchen is spotless. The stove scrubbed, the countertop wiped down, cabinet doors rid of any dust. And a note.

You step closer to the counter where the note lays and see a rough drawing of a smiley face with devil horns with the messy scrawl underneath: Good luck. Love, Bucky.

You smile and pick up the note and tape it onto your fridge before walking back down the hall. A small part of you wishes he was still around, standing in your kitchen awkwardly gathering pots and pans from the ground and stumbling around your apartment tripping over his own words while talking to you. You wish you weren’t so afraid of him yesterday. You wish you would’ve been able to talk to him more; how he died, who your guardian angel was, what was hell like, if that’s even where he came from. Maybe someday you’ll be lucky enough to cross paths with him again. Or rather, perhaps he’ll cross your path again, with some loud and obnoxious entrance in the middle of the night. Although you were so incredibly terrified a couple of hours ago, you don’t mind the idea of his presence and the fact that he’s always been watching over you, even if he was the reason behind the bad decisions in your life.

Somewhere, you just know Bucky’s smiling at you. And you smile, too.

Tags: @thefvcker-tucker @gagmebucky @hannie-writes-marvel @angel-fire

#freaky500wc #bucky barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes x you #demon!bucky #demon!bucky x reader #marvel #marvel fanfiction #bucky barnes fanfiction #writing challenge #oneshot

[wings-of-a-storm]

LUCAS’ HELL NIGHT ANALYSIS: PART 2 OF 2

Well, with this piece, I have officially finished trying to give voice to all the  frenzied thoughts in my head after watching that terrible Friday night unfold for Lucas.

I think the hardest part was revisiting the anguish on Lucas’ face. That is going to haunt us all for a while, no doubt...

Alright so we are up to Lucas running for the exit of Chloe’s house after finding Eliott with Lucille and being publicly outed... That poor guy.

OPEN GANG WARFARE

I only realised upon watching this scene that you actually see the ripple of Lucas coming through the crowd before you actually physically ‘see’ him. Like people were actually flying across the screen because Lucas was shoving partygoers out of the way to get to the doorway. He was like a hurricane, leaving a trail of destruction before and after him. From our limited angle, there are at least two victims: Unknown Partygoer No.1, and the Bouncer.

A minute of silence please for the victims of Lucas’ savagery. Particularly for Unknown Partygoer No.1 who was actually shoved aside the first time Lucas entered the house as well. :’)

Obviously I laugh otherwise I cry. It was actually heartbreaking seeing the lengths Lucas needed to go to to get out of there before he lost it completely.

I actually felt bad for Basile in this scene -- he was being really sweet and trying to grab hold of Lucas to, I dunno, support him? Calm him? Reassure him? He wasn’t to realise that that was the worst thing he could have done because Lucas needed space and distance from the heartbreak he had left behind in the house.

Things might have been ‘okay’ if Arthur’s patience hadn’t snapped; if he hadn’t escalated things further with that passive aggressive jab that was rather below the belt regardless of Lucas’ lies. Things could have been worse though -- there could have been actual punches instead of all the shoving and pulling. And the only casualty was Arthur’s glasses (which the petty part of me kind of revels in?). But still, getting into any physical altercation with your friends is extreme and just goes to show the pressure cooker Lucas’ life had become.

It is a shame the Gang had to reach this point, but they’ve all been kind of assholes to each other at one time or another. I think perhaps only Yann has been a good friend to everyone. Arthur, Lucas and Basile have all been hurtful at some point…

I wonder where Lucas and Arthur will go from here though; how they will make up in the school break if they aren’t forced to see each other in class. (Assuming David sticks to reality in his skipping of the hiatus?) This type of anger between them seems much closer to Marti and Elia than the og -- and it took the special powers of the love wizard Giovanni GaraU to piece their friendship and pride back together. Does Yann have the same touch? Time will tell...

ELIOTT KISSING LUCILLE

Lucas had already reached his breaking point when he engaged in a physical altercation with his friends. He had already lost control over his emotions and was incredibly vulnerable standing exposed in front of the yard. People were staring at him and Arthur was still screaming bloody murder from the doorway about wanting to slap the hell out of him. Of course it was at this moment when Lucas saw the man behind his heartache kissing the girl he said he had broken up with.

So much of Lucas seeing Eliott kissing Lucille was awful. Firstly, Eliott and Lucille could have just stayed inside the party, but them seeking out time alone outside is just so private and intimate.

Secondly, Eliott was the one initiating everything (something none of his counterparts did). He was the one cupping her face and smiling at her and going in for two kisses. Two!

And thirdly, yes, that smile of his as he was looking at her was meant to cut all of our hearts out. Eliott’s smile is like his strongest weapon even if he doesn’t realise it. He uses it as a shield and he uses it to express all the pure and lovely joy in his heart. When he walks into any room, that smile is the first thing you see. It’s nuclear -- even from far away, that smile absolutely knocks you out. And boy did it knock Lucas out.

I’m not sure I’d go as far as to say Eliott was giving Lucille the same smile Lucas gets. Eliott’s a very smiley person and even Lucas’ friends received that kind of smile when Eliott didn’t even known them. I feel like there is an extra level of giddiness to Eliott’s smile when he looks at Lucas. I wasn’t worried about him smiling at Lucille so much. Especially when I assume the context of it, which is...

Okay, so after Eliott was hurt by Lucas and feeling like he had to give him up so as not to be a burden to him, he would have been absolutely devastated. We saw his face in that corridor and that would have been him trying to hide most of it. I’m a little grateful we never saw the extent of Eliott’s private devastation...

But Eliott’s snap decision to cut Lucas out of his life, meant he was suddenly alone with this intense heartbreak, and probably feeling extra vulnerable because it related to that terrible force in his brain that he can’t control and that always messes his life up.

No matter how strained his and Lucille’s relationship had become in the end, she was still someone close to him who really knows who he is and has seen the worst of him. She is so safe. And since we have never seen Eliott with any friends at school, I imagine that Eliott is pretty isolated at the moment without her. It feels completely believable that he would seek Lucille out for that comfort and security. It would also make him feel better about his mental illness to know that there is someone in the world (excluding his parents who we have no information on aside from David’s headcanons), who sees that side of him and accepts it. He’s not alone with it.

Luckily for Eliott, Lucas made his comments about mental illness only a day or two after Eliott had broken up with Lucille. That meant there was a window of opportunity to try and repair things with her. It would have required a lot of effort on his behalf though, to be convincing enough for her to take him back even though he was secretly battling heartbreak over someone else. He might have even ironically used his mental illness as an excuse for their break up (actually, I am convinced he did because it will probably end up fuelling a certain comment from Lucille to Lucas about Eliott’s patterns).

What this means though is that Eliott has to stay convincing for Lucille: he has to be that happy boyfriend who wants to be with her, who just suffered a blip. If Lucille sees through him, he is in danger of being alone again. There is probably also an element of Eliott needing to convince himself that he will be happy with Lucille and can make their relationship work. The alternative of being alone after such a terrible year is just too painful.

So yeh, I’m not too surprised by all the smiles and kisses that Eliott was initiating with Lucille even though it hurts to see them. His instagram diary tells us the truth: that while he recognises the good parts of having Lucille as his girlfriend, it isn’t the same now.

(Side note: His ‘L and him’ caption breaks me! Like A) he is distancing himself from himself, and B) it’s like he is cherishing the letter L and finding comfort that he still has an L in his life. He can almost pretend it is the other L...)

LUCAS' FACE AFTER SEEING ELIOTT KISSING LUCILLE

Well, Lucas’s face after seeing Eliott smiling at Lucille, cupping her face, kissing her, doing things he can still remember Eliott doing with him not too long ago... That is a face that is going to haunt us for a long time. The level of fury in it, of betrayal... I’ve never seen anything like it in Skam. That expression not only cuts straight through your chest, it strangles your heart.

it was so powerful and clearly the exact moment Lucas reached the bottom of what he could endure. Like shit, place a copy of that face into a scientific journal under “Human breaking point.”

When I think about that look and all the intense emotions swirling behind it, It feels like the dark twin of the look Eliott gave Lucas when he was playing piano. When Eliott looked at Lucas in that moment, you were just hit with those eyes, and it felt impossible to even begin describing all the different emotions in them. Lucas’ devastating fury holds a very similar power with all the complex emotions behind it. I consider it a ‘twin’ because Lucas’ eyes also seemed fuelled by love, but love that had been desecrated and turned into a wound against him...

(That gruesome lip curl when he glanced back at Arthur still yelling at him though. Oh damn that was fierce.)

Oh gosh guys, it was just so hard seeing Eliott kiss Lucille during the worst time of Lucas’ life. It was stomach-churning in a ‘I think someone just punched me in the gut’ way. Like, Lucas used to go to this guy for comfort and now in his time of need, when his ex-beard is yelling out his sexuality to strangers, when his friends are yelling awful things at him for everyone to hear, he not only doesn’t have Eliott to go to, but Eliott is so engrossed in the person Lucas always felt second-rate to. Eliott doesn’t even look up at the noise, he is completely oblivious to Lucas’ distress. Could Eliott feel any further away?

I don’t even want to begin trying to imagine everything Lucas was feeling at that moment as he looked at Eliott and Lucille. It is just too devastating. It actually feels worse than what Eliott went through in the school corridor, because at least then Eliott had control over it. Eliott could walk away before ever having to see what Lucas’ face would look like if he learned of Eliott’s mental illness; before ever having to hear Lucas break up with him over it.

Eliott also had all the information over their break up while Lucas remains in the dark (hi Polaris). Lucas is the one who has to see the guy he is in love with for real kissing the person Lucas has always felt second-rate to. And after all those promises that they would be together because Eliott had chosen him...

And since Lucas does not have the information on their break up that Eliott has, all Lucas can see when he looks at them is: Eliott never loved me; Eliott played me; Eliott has been happy with Lucille while I have been so miserable I’ve barely had energy to get off the couch; Eliott lied to me; Eliott never needed space, he just used it as an excuse to get back with Lucille without guilt; of course Eliott doesn’t want to be with me, why would I be so stupid to believe that he did?

And then in the midst of all this gut-wretching pain and the slap of betrayal, Lucas glances back at his friends who he just fought with, who can’t understand what he is going through, who are still hurling really hurtful things at him from the doorway (well, Arthur is), and he is just over everybody.

It almost feels like he is standing in this awful triangle of snipers who have opened fire on the most raw parts of his life -- his sexuality, his family situation, and the man he loves humiliating him in front of everyone. It’s just way too much humiliation and exposure for one person to take. Of course he had to get as far away from everyone and that hellhole of a place as soon as possible.

What is extra fun is that the people behind Lucas seem to have pieced some of the puzzle together. They see his fighting with the Gang, they see the pained expression of his face as he looks ahead, and they all turn to see what he is looking at to cause such an unmistakably anguished face. They see Lucille and Eliott. Guess we’re going to have some fun rumours after all when each section of the party joins up what they have witnessed with Lucas at the epicentre…

LUCAS HURTING HIMSELF

We all had an inkling that the beginning of Lucas’ hell week would be the hardest version for the viewer to watch. I think overall, our assumption was proved correct and that is all because this is the first version where we have seen Lucas’ face in the peak of his anguish.

In comparison, Skam og and Italia gave their Isak/Martino some privacy with their pain. We only ever see Isak’s back as he falls to his knees and cries so loud you can hear it over the Kanye track. We only ever see the vague outline of Martino’s face in the darkness as he screams and cries into his hands (it was so dark, it was lucky we were even able to see the spit flying from his mouth as he screamed). You basically had to rely on all other senses to figure out the amount of pain that Isak/Martino were going through. I think that method is powerful in itself, don’t get me wrong. But in France, we see Lucas completely exposed to the anguish ripping his soul apart. And it is incredibly confronting.

At first when Lucas left the party and the camera was following him down the dark, empty path, it felt like og: Lucas had privacy with his rage and pain. But then everything got loud; all the senses were like doubled. The sound of him smashing his fist against the bars of the fence was so loud and violent. We had that kind of noise in Italia too but that was from the piece of wood Martino was wielding, not his actual hand. So not only do you have the deep echo of metal being hit by a fist, you vicariously feel the pain that that must be inflicting on Lucas’ hand.

And then after Lucas realises he has injured himself and his legs lose power and he slumps down to the floor, the street light completely exposes the expression on his face. His anguish is completely exposed -- and it is anguish that is actually distorting his face. He almost isn’t recognisable. I mean, it is hard to watch anyone suffering that level of pain, but it’s even more hard-hitting with Lucas because his expressions are normally so controlled and neutral.

Two things absolutely wreck me next in this scene. The first is the way he cradles his bleeding hand. When you’ve hurt yourself, of course your natural instinct is to hold the damaged area as if you can somehow contain the pain to that one spot. But since his hurt hand feels more like a physical representation of his emotional hurt, it feels like he is trying to cradle himself. I HATE IT, MAKE IT STOP, GUYS!

The second thing that wrecks me is how after he slumps to the ground and leans his head back -- which also crashes against the metal bars with a deep booming echo -- he mouths something as if to say ‘ow’, like he is just hurting all over, no matter what he does.

And through all of it, he is crying without any sound because the emotion is coming from such a deep place in him. Until you see the numbness take over…

I’ll say it again: it is highly confronting. I can’t even bring myself to take screencaps of it.

I mean, that’s probably why og and Italia took a step back -- because that level of pain is so private and awful, it’s almost wrong for us to witness it. But, well, France plays dirty.

LUCAS HAS NO BEDROOM

Did I just say France plays dirty? Because they are about to double that claim by reminding us all of their trump card: that Lucas has no place to cry privately. His bed is literally in a communal living area while Manon goes through her own grieving in his bedroom.

When a person is as wounded by life as Lucas is right now, it is so essential to have a safe space all to yourself to be able to grieve in. Particularly for someone as reserved as Lucas, who won’t let anyone see any hint of his pain at all (except for this Friday night when his depression was so extreme, he had no energy to move in front of his friends and he couldn’t hide it anymore). How the hell is this poor kid supposed to grieve in a communal living room?!

And that also raises another question: how long did Lucas stay slumped on the cold concrete path on Friday night? If that was the best privacy he had, it was probably a long time. So yeh, thanks for that, France! Like this whole clip didn’t hurt enough…

A TINY BIT OF HOPE TO END ON…

What is unfortunately so hard with Lucas is how reserved he is with his emotions. He is such an island and that makes it hard for others to be able to help him. When Mika reached out to him on Thursday, he got a defensive eye roll. When Yann tried to reach out to him on Friday, he got grumpiness and a hurtful ‘It has nothing to do with you.’ It’s really hard to see Lucas push people away like that and just suffer so many things alone.

This week is going to be such an important turning point for him though. He will finally make that step to trust in others and share the pain that has been slowly drowning him. He has no other choice because he cannot mentally survive like that any longer. And when Lucas starts to open himself up more to his friends and roomates and starts to value that process, it is going to put him in such a healthy place to be able to be that support for Eliott when Eliott’s secrets are exposed and he becomes highly vulnerable.

Lucas’ journey is really tough right now but he is going reconnect with people and with life and be the best person he can be once he starts to accept help. It’s going to be such a rewarding journey to go through with him. <3

#Skam France #skamfr thoughts #3x05 thoughts #heartbreak 2 of 2 #elu #well yep that definitely almost broke me #skamfr goes for the jugular #so much changes when you #actually have to witness the #anguish on someone else's face #axel I am just floored

[caruliaa]

okayyyy it is kindaa late like. late enough that i shldnt be in the habi tof going to tbed at this time on a school night sajbjbkakasna so imm gonna get to bed now but first i just wanted to say that omgggggggggg vcing today was sosoooooooo fun as it always is ofc but !! yeah i jsut rlly love spending time w u in any and every wayyy and i just love being ur friend sooooo much like you rlly are sososooo wonderful and incredible and lovely and good and u make my whole world so much fuller and better and more complete and provide sm joy and brightness in my life and world so !!! i just wanted to say how much i think that ur an amazing good lovely personnn strawb and how grateful i am to know u and just that !!! im here for u and pls feel free to tell me all abt ur exam and stuff and !! i just care abt u sm and i love youuu smmmmmmmmmmmm mwah (hugs u if u wld like !!💗💗💗💗💗💕💕💕💗🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻💕💕💕💗💗🫶🏻🫶🏻💕💕💗💗💕💕🫶🏻💗💕💕)

nauurr not thee lateness love -__- i hope u were able to get in some good rest regardless of that though love and ough omg ur so so sweet love omg i hope you that ireally did have so much fun vcing too it rly was soso wonderful to get to chat and talk with you and just spend time with you it just was sos fun and lovely and im soso glad that its the same to you love and that i can be such a wonderful friend to you and make ur world better and fuller and bring u sm joy and brightness love bc u rly do desreve it soso very much and ireally do just want t o help make ur life better in every way i can becuase you really are soso very special and dear to me love so i hope you know that i really am soso very glad that i can and that uyou really are the same to me like youre such a wonderful kind caring understanding friend to me love who makes me feel soso very loved and cared for and just knowing you and having you in my life bring me soso very much happiness and joy and like !! agh i hope you know love you really really do just mean the whole while world to me and i really do just love you so so so very much *hugs you back sos very much love mwah mwah mwah !!!* 💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💞💞💞💞💞🦋💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💗💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞💞

#SORRY IM ANSWERING THIS SO LATETE alsoo bc its like past 1am here and im sos tired so im soso going to bed now DFHDFHDF #but ya i rly do just lvoe you sm love <3 gnight wishhinh u sm sweet dreamss MWAH !!! #flappy rambles #asks #lucy ! #fave

[whatbutandreil]

i had an ask sitting in my inbox for a couple of months bc i didn't really know what i wanted to say, but i lost the ask:/

unfortunately, when i tried to save my response to my drafts, tumblr just,, fuckin deleted it, so im sorry to whoever asked it:/ but i have my response now. the ask said "what(or who) got you into tfc?" to the person who asked this question, thank you. this has been a really great reflection. so uh,, here's my answer:

·

i kinda hate the way i came into tfc bc it was in a way that didn't respect the wishes of my, now friend on twitter, ziegenkind.

·

basically, i was scrolling on pinterest, as you do, and i fell into a hole of like,, gay fanart? (not a question, just a little self-reflection on how fucking queer i am. how did i not fucking know?)

·

anyway, so, i was scrolling, as you do, and i found @ziegenkind 's stunning painting of andrew and neil on the bottom bunk of the dorm bed (y'all know the one) and i was like "whooooo,, the fUCk are these two cuties (ʘ‿ʘ)??"

·

PSA : DONT REPOST PEOPLE'S ART WITHOUT THEIR PERMISSION, ESPECIALLY IF SOMEONE EXPLICITLY SAYS NOT TO. THIS COUNTS AS REPOSTING IF YOU POST SOMEONE ELSE'S ART TO PINTEREST, INSTAGRAM, TUMBLR, TWITTER, FACEBOOK, ANY SOCIAL MEDIA. DO NOT QRT PEOPLE'S ART ON TWITTER IF PEOPLE SAY NO. YOU ARE NO EXCEPTION. AND DONT FUCKING ERASE PEOPLE'S WATERMARKS AND DEFINITELY DONT REPLACE THEM WITH YOUR OWN. DONT FUCKING DO IT. to the lovely ziegenkind, (it's julian from twitter (^o^)丿) it's so fuckin unfortunate that i found your art through reposts and it's fucking horrible that people don't listen, but thank you for being my bridge into this fandom and im very grateful to have found you and been able to talk with such an angel. you quite literally changed my life forever and i can't thank you enough:') im eternally grateful for that. BUT DONT FUCKING REPOST DIPSHITS

·

anyway, so, naturally, i sat in my bed for 3 hours at 1am on a school night, as you do, scrolling through andreil fan art and trying to figure out who the fUCK they were and what they were from. i found tfc and immediately downloaded it on my phone

·

i didn't get to reading it for a bit tho:/ abt a week later, i was brought to the emergency room bc i was planning to kill myself. id been diagnosed with depression for around a year, who knows how long i was suffering before that, and i was hitting my lowest. it was abt 2 weeks after new years and on new years eve, i was planning on ending it bc i couldn't fathom dealing with it for another year. another year of feeling nothing or everything all at once. but my mom had called me downstairs to go to a new years party, so i didn't go through with it. abt 2 weeks later, i had seen my therapist again, and i was deflecting hard core, and she saw it, and she sent me to the ER. i was evaluated all night, but i wasn't kept for observation since i told the nurse that the thoughts had passed. i was taken out of school and put in an outpatient program where id have group for 4 hours and school for 2. every morning for abt a month, i would get picked up at my house in a minivan and id have a good 20-25+ min drive to program.

·

every. single. morning. on the van, i would read tfc. every morning. i was going through, what i thought to be the worst time of my life (i now know that it in fact DID get worse and now we're going on a new level of bad, but then it was the worst id experienced) every morning i was reading about neil and him running from his father, something ive wanted to do for years. reading about andrew struggling with depression and self harm like i am and despising most touches bc of people in his life that ruined it, similar to how someone ruined it for me and doesn't understand that "no" means "no". reading about nicky learning to love and accept himself for being gay, for being who he is like ive been trying to accept myself being a queer ace trans boy. reading about kevin trying to cope with his anxiety, even if it's in an unhealthy way, the same way i do. reading about renee growing up one way and wanting to become a better person, something that i want to do every day. reading abt matt overcoming his addiction and loving his friends with his whole heart. reading about dan standing up for herself and being proud of who she is. reading abt allison cutting away the people in her life who wanted to hold her back. reading about aaron and andrew work through their differences to try and salvage their relationship. reading about neil taking his life back and living it the way he wants, on his terms, like i so badly crave to do. reading about neil and andrew finding a respectful and loving relationship, one where all boundaries are respected, not crossed, where there is comfort in being together and a certain understanding on a level that others could never wrap their mind around. the kind of relationship that i have always, always, yearned for, where i feel safe and loved and respected.

·

these books taught me not only to die for the ones i love or kill for them, but to live for them, and to me, that is a much more daunting and difficult task.

·

All For the Game gave me hope, something i never thought id have again. it gave me hope for tomorrow. and the day after that. and a month after that. and it gives me hope that one day, i will get away from my father, i will be comfortable with who i am and love myself for it, i will find ways to cope with my anxiety properly, i will be proud of the person i have become, i will have friends who i love and who love me, i will stand up for myself and be proud to be the person ive become, i will surround myself with good people and cut away those who treat me wrong and hold me back, i will work to repair and maintain good relationships.

·

it gives me hope that i will finally break away from the pain and start to live my life the way i want, as the person i was meant to be, the way i was meant to live my life.

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it gives me hope that i will overcome my depression, that i will find the strength to stop harming myself to cope, that i will find the strength to push through, even after ive been given every reason to just give up.

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it gives me hope that one day, i will find a person who will love me for who i am, love me despite my past and the scars i carry, love me in a way that i'll never be able to explain or understand. that i will find someone who respects my boundaries, who asks "yes or no?" before touching me, who respects if i say "no" and still fucking loves me regardless. someone who can feel like they can be completely themself around me, and that i can feel the same around them. someone who will fall in love with me a little more every day. someone who i'll fall in love with a little more every day.

·

it gives me hope that one day, hopefully someday soon—but i think im willing to wait—i will be happy.

·

All For the Game quite literally changed to course of my life, and i can say with confidence that without it, i would not be here right now.

·

people say that books and shows and movies change there life all the time, but i know that i wouldn't be here without it. these books saved my fucking life. i wouldn't have experienced those mornings, walking into program with a goofy smile on my face, practically vibrating with what i now know was joy, blabbing to every person i ran into that morning abt a boy with scars and a sharp tongue on the run and the small, depressed and angry blond who told him to stay. or nights when i sobbed and sobbed for those boys who deserved better. and i wouldn't have gotten black armbands to cover my scars and match with my two biggest inspirations. or when i have a bad impulsive thought, i wouldnt have a voice in the back of my head going "what would andrew say? what would neil say?" and the vivid image of the small blond giving me a stare, face carefully blank, yet eyes swimming with a mix between disapproval and hope, and the boy covered in scars tentatively giving me a hug, a bit awkward at first, but he's a lovely hugger and eventually, awkwardness turns into comfort. without it, i don't think id know what pure, honest love is supposed to look like.

·

sorry, i suppose this got quite a bit off track from what got me into aftg, but once i started writing, i couldn't stop.

·

TLDR; i saw fanart on pinterest, DONT REPOST ART WITHOUT PERMISSION, and my life was saved and changed for the better by a book that i stumbled upon, purely by chance.

·

i don't believe in fate, but i do think that i found these books for a reason, and that my life changed because of it. i suppose you could call it the butterfly effect.

#julian's replies #my story #these books saves my life #thank you #im forever grateful #about julian #tfc #aftg #all for the game #the foxhole court #thefoxholecourt #neil josten #all for the gay #andrew minyard #andreil #andrew joseph minyard #neil abram josten #depression #depression tw #suicide #suicide tw #selfharm #self harm #self harm tw #self harm mention #depression mention #suicide mention #ask julian

[ari-arrivederci]

Im not the anon who sent the xmas hc request, but I'd love it if you could do passione with an s/o during xmas! If not thats fine, just have a good day!

【Bruno】

Christmas for Bruno is an important time of year. Even with his work, he always tries to make time for this holiday. It means even more to him when he has his s/o to spend the holiday with.

With it being just the two of them, he keeps it somewhat simple. Fish, wine, and veggies are still prepared for them both to eat, with snacks on the side for afterwards. 

He decorates his small house with his s/o, and even offers to pick them up to help them place the star on top of the tree. Regardless of their response, he’s still having fun.

He’s grateful for any gift he may receive from them, and gives them a ring in return. He hopes they’ll always remember him, and think of him when they look at it.

After the days events, they spend the evening cuddling on the sofa, watching a few cheesy Christmas movies, and grazing on snacks. Sure it wasn’t as traditional as he’d have liked, but he was happy to spend the day with his s/o.

【Abbacchio】

 Abbacchio would be reluctant at first to spend Christmas with his s/o. It’s not that he doesn’t want to, he just doesn’t view himself as special enough to spend such a special holiday with him.

It wouldn’t take his s/o long to coax him into it, because Abbacchio genuinely wants to spend Christmas with them. Sure it may not be traditional, but he’d at least try his best.

He’d decorate his home with his s/o, and dinner would at least be something simple with lots of wine. He’d even get his s/o a gift. Something meaningful, and unique. If his s/o gave him a gift, he’d probably cry.

The day would end with the two of them cuddling, and Abbacchio showering them with love. He’d blame it on the wine if the brought it up, but he truly means every word, and hopes he can spend Christmas like this with them every year.

【Mista】

Mista loves Christmas. He loves the excitement in the air, and how relaxed everyone is. He, of course can’t really relax and enjoy the holiday normally, but that doesn’t mean he won’t try.

He’s dragging his s/o around everywhere to get everything they could possibly need for the holidays. Even if fish is traditionally eaten, Mista is probably going to get pizza.

Decorating is both dangerous and hilarious. He uses his pistols to do most of the work, with the promise of panettone. They end breaking more ornaments, and the tree almost catches fire, but it was a valiant effort.

After they all eat, Mista presents his s/o with a gift - a copy of his favorite movie. He doesn’t expect anything in return, but he’d be delighted if they gave him one nonetheless.

Mista would end the day by singing carols, and watching movies with his s/o, while they tuck in to the promised panettone, and other snacks Mista has prepared for them all.

【Fugo】

Fugo doesn’t really care for Christmas all that much. He understands it’s importance, but he doesn’t really celebrate it much. When his s/o proposes the idea of spending the holiday together, he’s hesitant.

He’ll of course take their offer, but in truth, he’s not really sure what to do. He knows you’re supposed to decorate, eat food, and whatnot, but its just not something he’s done before.

He’ll let his s/o do the planning while he helps out here and there. He enjoys setting up decorations with them the most which is surprising, and he enjoys preparing the meal with them too.

He loves how at ease, and relaxed he feels with his s/o. Something about the experience is magical to him, and he never wants it to end, but he loves unwinding with them after the event.

【Narancia】

Narancia loves Christmas. It’s one of the few times of the year he can really let himself kick-back, and have fun. Getting to do that with his s/o makes the holiday even better for him.

He’s cheery when decorating with them, and has fun wrapping tinsel around himself, and his s/o. Perhaps he goes a little overboard when sprinkling flour on the floor to make it look like snow.

He’s happy to eat dinner with them, and even happier to give his s/o the gift he bought for them. He chose to get them a small toy plane, just so they can keep it near and think of him.

Narancia hopes it will snow, so he can go out and play in it with his s/o. He really doesn’t care if others think he’s childish for enjoying the season as much as he does, but he hopes he can spend Christmas with his s/o like this every year.

【Giorno】

Christmas is an odd thing for him. His mother didn’t treat it like it was anything special when he was a kid, so he’s never really experience the true joy of the holiday.

He likes how much calmer, and happier the people of the city seem. It almost feels like a fairytale to him. Giorno is pretty excited about getting to spend Christmas with his s/o this year.

He vows to make his first official Christmas memorable, and makes sure everything is beautiful, and perfect for his s/o. Despite this, he’s most looking forward to getting to spend such a magical time with them, regardless of what they end up doing.

He’s more the type to eat sweets at Christmas, and leisurely enjoy snacks instead of the more traditional foods. He gifts his s/o with flowers, sweets, and items that he knows they love.

#jjba #jojo's bizarre adventure #jojo no kimyou na bouken #jojo headcanons #giorno giovanna #bruno bucciarati #bruno buccellati #leone abbacchio #abbacchio #mista #guido mista #narancia #narancia ghirga #pannacotta fugo #fugo #requst #alcohol tw #christmas

[prettieparker86]

All For You || Part 4

Part 1, Part 2, part 3 & Part 5

Pairing: William “Cap” Hatfield X Reader

Gif Credit: @rkhe, @koriiandr, @tswift1989daily @taykoreatayphoto . Thank you for letting me use your gifs! They are beautiful!

Shout out: This chapter goes out to @lainey-lane, my editor and all around muse. She makes these things happen when my mind get stuck. And to @cryxlowrites who’s beautiful Cap vid made me fall in love with Cap all over again. Thank you both!

Tag: @lumifuer, @hannahmariea If you don’t want to be tagged in the future friends just let me know. Thank you again friends!

A/N: This chapter is very long. Sorry. I didn’t plan it that way, but there was a lot to cover. Also, I originally said, only four parts to this story. BUT I wrote a few more. Now, if you all feel done with this tale I can end it here for tumblr and post the rest elsewhere. OR, I can continue. Let me know if you want more or end it here.

“I saw the look in yer eyes that night. When you said you couldn’ marry ‘im. Said you couldn’ bear it… Now ya don’ have to Darlin’.” Will finished unflinchingly, his eyes reaching for you before he leans down to place a soft kiss upon your forehead.

Pulling back, Will moves to the front of the porch. Moves down the steps till he lowers himself onto one. His eyes scanning out over the field and into the dense woods as nightfall takes hold over the ridge.

 Your heart thumps in your chest. The feel of his lips still burning on your skin. The jolt of his kiss still humming through your veins. 

Nobody’s ever made you feel the way Will can. Like he knows every part of you. Can awaken even places you didn’t know existed inside yourself with a single touch. 

Why couldn’t you have remembered that that dreadful day? Why couldn’t that truth have been more powerful than Johnse’s bitter whiskey and the insatiable hunger of your grief.

 You move to sit beside Will, wishing like so many times before that you could just take it all back. 

You lower slowly onto the creaking step beside him, lifting your long skirt behind your legs as you go.

Will glances over his shoulder, looking back at the house only muffled words of exchange have escaped out of since you all were sent outside, and you’re reminded that regardless of what Will has just thrown himself in the middle of, your Uncle and Aunt hold all the cards.

 As if sensing your thoughts or maybe you were just sensing his, the way you two have done so many times before, Will turns back to you.

“I wan’ you ta know no matta’ what Ma n’ Pa decide, yer not alone in this. I’m gonna stand by you.” Will declares, his eyes piercing you, one blue, one white. The insistence on his breath almost enough to steal yours.

 “Why ‘er you doin all this for me?” You finally ask. Your eyes searching his, needing to hear the truth off his own lips. 

Not the honorable reasons, not the loyal ones. The reason he’s ready to take this on even if it means going against their family. 

The reason he’s willing to raise his brother’s child as if it were his own and make an honest woman out of you. 

You have to hear it.

 Holding your gaze, an undeniably sexy smile eclipses his face, like butter on a skillet, filling his good eye with an iridescent glow.

“Surely by now you know how I feel ‘bout you.” He answers with absolutely sincerity.

Your cheeks burn against his smile and the weight of his stare as an impossibly happy grin finds your face. 

Finally getting the answer you needed. That he’s as crazy about you as you are him.

 You wined your arm around his as you nestle in close to his side, resting your head upon his sturdy shoulder. 

Your face turns in toward his neck, soaking in the smell of musk and gun power as you gently nuzzle your nose and lips against his sensitive skin, while his hand comes up to tangle in your hair. 

In that moment, you don’t know what you’d do without him. 

And while you don’t know what’s going to happen, for the first time since this nightmare started you feel like things might actually turn out alright.

“I still ‘member that day Johnse brought you home. I’d been worried sick when you weren’ back by dark. I wen’ lookin fer ya but-“ His words die suddenly with a heavy breath as his confession sends your heart aching and your arms clutching him a little tighter.

“I saw you that morning ‘fore I left for the hills. I saw you cryin’. I shoulda gone to you ‘steada taking off shootin’. But my head wasn’ all right after the McCoy boys. But I a, I shoulda been there for you. Maybe if I had, none of this woulda happened.” Will confesses on a heavy breath, you feel the weight of his words on his slumping shoulders as your face lifts from him and you gently tug his face your way.

 “You listin’ ta me Willian Hatfield. I was the fool. I was reckless. This ain’t on you.” You tell him firmly, your eyes imploring his, trying to get him to let go of this nonsense. This burden ain’t his.

“You needed somebody.” He reminds you, the look in his eyes painfully vulnerable with the weight of that truth.

“I ain’t yer responsibility.” You say softly, trying to unshackle this blame he’s wrongly setting at his door.

Gazing deep into your eyes, Will slowly shakes his head.

“Yes, ya are, Darlin’.” He corrects you, reaching to grab your hand from his face and pull it to his lips where he gives your knuckles a gently kiss. “Yes, ya are.”

You quickly pull apart as you hear the front door finally open. Both turning back over your shoulders to take a peak. You see your aunt Levicy standing in the door way.

“Come on,” She beckons with a wave of her hand.

Not needing to be told twice, you both scurry up the steps and enter the house, but nerves start creepin back into your belly as soon as you lay eyes on your uncle Anse. Pipe between his lips, eyeing you both like an executioner about to hand down the sentence.

 Levicy goes to stand by her husband as you and Will stand side by side awaiting your fate. Removing his pipe, Anse clears his throat before he speaks. 

“You both made a real mess a’things. Disgraced yerselves an’ this family. Hell, I expected betta of both a you.” He drawls out, his voice gritty and edging with anger.

Tears spring to your eyes as your face drops. Biting your lip to hold back the tears, you nod in agreement. Still can’t believe you got yourself into this mess. 

Your only solace is your pap ain’t around to see it. No matter you and your brother were born on the wrong side of the bed. You know this news would have broken your Pa’s heart.

 You wish Will would take your hand, but you know he can’t. Neither of you can risk setting off Anse’s anger more than it already is. 

No, you gotta take this sentence on your own, because you know as good as any, sometimes in life when you make a bed as you have, you just gotta lie down in it.

After a long pause and pull from his pipe, Anse shares a look with his wife. You watch Levicy’s give a subtle nod before he starts back up again. 

“This familys got ‘nough troubles already… But what’s done is done. I’ll be sendin’ for Wall in the mornin’. Yer gonna make this legal, make it right, ‘an then I don’ wanna hear it spoken of ‘gain.”

 His words sink in as wave of relief washes over you and a breath you didn’t know you were holding comes gasping past your lips. 

In seconds, Will is pulling you to him, wrapping you in his arms as your clinging desperately to him, as he places a brief kiss upon your head. 

Breathing in the scent of gun powder and pine as your fingers dig into Will’s back, and his warm breath fans against your scalp, and the same words echo and vibrate through your head… Everythin’s gonna be alright.

Your aunt Levicy helped you into your best dress. It was long with tiny blue flowers scattered all along the fabric, the sleeves went past your elbows with white lace ruffles at the ends and buttons down the front.  

Your pap had purchased for your birthday last year and you only had one other occasion to wear it before this.

The dress lay forgivingly on you, but the tapered waist felt tighter than you last remember. 

You try to hide the shame from your face as your aunt tugs a little firmer at the fabric to button it. 

The nicest dress you own. It was a summer dress with buttons up the front and ruffling down at the bottom. 

Your aunt and cousin Nancy tied your back in a twist with a few wisps hanging down to frame your face. 

For a wedding thrown together in a day, you felt beautiful.

Levicy had gone to check on preparations for the meal after the ceremony when the sound of boots on the floorboards sends your and Nancy spinning around to see who’s coming.

 “Aunt Levicy says it’s time.” Your brother calls from the door way.  

 “I’ll go see if Mama needs a hand with anythin’.” Nancy answers with an easy nod, giving you and your brother a moment.

“Well jus’ look at ya now, don’ you look handsome.” You tell your brother, taking his hand into your own as you draw him closer to you.

 Tugging him into the light that’s streaming in through the window, where you can get a better look at him. 

Admiring his matching slacks and button up vest, his clean button down shirt underneath. 

You haven’t seen him look this nice since election day when your Pap died. Seeing him now coupled with memory of that painful day leaves a bittersweet ache in your heart.

 “Ya look beautiful.” Cotton tells you, amazement thick on his breath as his pale blue eyes light up as he looks you over.

That smile and the innocence’s that emanates off your brother’s breath has you reaching for him, pulling him into a tight hug. 

Your breath shutters against his shoulder as clutch him tight, his arms wrapping tightly around you in return. 

His joy reminds you of days past… he always did have your Pa’s smile. 

Seeing Cotton, holding onto him, you realize how badly you wish you Pap were here. 

How much you miss him, no less than the day he died, but you’re also thankful and grateful the lord see fit to let you keep Cotton. You can’t imagine your life without him.

 Pulling back from his arms, you gently comb the hair back from his forehead, tending to him like you’ve done since you were just a little girl. 

It’s moments like this he feels more like your child than your brother, as you gently cup his cheek and find his soft eyes once again.

“I’m so happy yer here.” You tell him on a rattled emotion thick breath as a tear slips free. Unable to hold back the love and loss making waves inside you. 

You’d give your right arm to have your Pa here today. You never imagined your wedding without him, but you also can’t help but count your blessings knowing you at least have Cottton.

 “Don’ be sad, sissy.” Cotton tells you, the smile falling from his face as he wipes the tear from your cheek.

“I’m not, Cotton. I promise.” You reassure him, taking his hand into yours and giving it a good squeeze. 

Looking at him now, that innocence of his that nothing and nobody can steal, he seems more childlike than a man nearly Cap’s age. 

And with everything about to change, you need him to know you would never leave him behind. No matter what turn of events your life is about to face.

 “Listen Cotton, we haven’ had time to talk much with everythin’ happenin’ so fast, but I wan’ you to know nothin’ changes between us. I’m always gonna be here. Is’ always gonna be me and you. You understand?” You tell him, needing him to know that no matter what happens you’ll always be there for him. 

You may have a baby growing inside your belly and a heart about to be promised to Will for life, but nothing changes the bond you and Cotton have. 

Nothing changes the promises you made long ago to always look after him. And you don’t want him to worry about none of that now.

 “With Cap?” Cotton corrects you, your Pa’s smile filling his face as he seems to grow excited by the idea.

A smile begins to grow on your own too and you nod in agreement. “Yes, with Cap.”

“You love ‘im.” Cotton says, his eyes holding yours, smile still from cheek to cheek. 

And it’s moments like these you swear Cotton is smarter than everybody. That he sees things our brains have made the rest of us blind to. 

Too much thinking, not enough feeling.

Your smile grows blinding wide on your face with his statement. Unable to deny the way it fills your heart like it’s ready to burst.

“I do… and I love ya too. Always.” You promise, leaning over to place a quick kiss on his pale forehead.

 “I love ya too sissy.” Cotton tell you back in the earnest way he so easily gives love. Making you admire that big heart of his all the more.

“Wanna help me downstairs?” You ask, wrapping your arm around his before he gives you a hearty nod and you both move for the door.

 You descend the stairs dressed to shine, the old wooden steps creaking beneath your feet, but there’s only one pair of eyes you hope to catch. 

Your aunt Levicy and cousin Nancy really made you feel more special than anyone could have asked for under these circumstances and with no time to prepare. 

Braiding your hair and pinning it back from your face as wisps dance around your jaw and cheeks. Your dress slims down your figure forgivingly, none would be the wiser to the real reason behind your hasty marriage. 

Despite the situation and the means you’ve found yourself here, you feel beautiful. 

A feeling that only grows as Will catches sight of you. You spot him first, lost in conversation with Jim by the fireplace as you descend the stairs, but as he turns with the sound of your steps. You watch his words die, his jaw fall slack just a little, his eyes transfixed upon you for every step as your eyes hold unbreakably steady with his in return. 

Your heart begins to race with the thought that you’re about to marry him. About to be his wife, finally his in the deepest sense of the word. A wish you had thought was all but lost before last night.

 You can’t help but notice how handsome Will looks all cleaned up, in his Sunday best. You’re not sure the last time you saw him in a button down, his hair combed to the side, clad in a pair of clean black trousers and matching buttoned up vest. 

He reminds you of your uncle Anse and uncle Wall dressed up so finely as a smile creep up on your face.

Meeting you at the base of the stairs, Will extends a hand. 

Giving your brother’s arm a gentle squeeze of thanks and a quick kiss on the cheek, you take Will’s hand as he draws you close. 

His eyes are glued on you with a look of sheer wonder you’re sure your own face must mirror. 

In that moment, as you take the sight of each other in fully, everyone else in the room disappears, but the two of you. The rest of the world practically falls away.

 Gazing up at him, you swallow hard as Will’s callused hand tenderly finds your cheek, sending tingles rippling beneath your skin with his touch.

“I do believe yer the mos’ beautiful thing I’ve eva’ seen.” Will tells you, leaning in close near the shell of your ear, his voice deep and low, his words only for you.

 Your cheeks flush with heat under the charming grin curling on his lips and wonder in his gaze as he pulls back. 

You get lost in the magnetic quality of that smile and the way you could stare at it all day - until your uncle Anse’s clears his throat, breaking the spell.

“…How we got into this damn mess to begin with.” He grumbles low on his breath to your aunt Levicy, tugging at the pipe in his mouth before marching for the front door, signaling to everyone it’s time to get on with it.

 Will quickly releases the hold he has on your face with his father’s disapproval. His smile dropping as he steps back from you, always obedient, always mindful. 

Your heart aches just a little with the exchange, wishing you could tell Anse just how honorable and obedient his son really is. That despite how things look, he’d never dishonor you or this family, but you know that isn’t possible without undoing this whole thing in the process. 

So you drop your gaze and try to appear obedient as well instead, but as the rest of the family falls in line, moving for the open door, Will surprises you and leans in close to your ear once again, taking advantage of the moment.

“Almost mine, Darlin’” He whispers, pulling back before anyone can notice, causing a rush of heat to fill your face as he offers you his arm to which you gladly slip yours through. 

Never more sure of any decision in your life than the one you’re about to make.

The air is crisp and cold on this winter day as you leave the house, trudging through the thin layer of tightly packed snow. 

Your aunt Levicy and the girls arranged an area near the back of the property, past the main house and barn. 

Out where the mountains surround you as the clouds dance and sway within the valleys in the midday light. 

Uncle Wall is waiting for you and Will as he leads you both over to the properties edge. 

Your arms intertwined as the sun peaks through the winter clouds hanging over head, bathing you both in warm rays of sunshine that feel like halos from above. 

The morning had been overcast and dreary, but now the clouds have begun to break apart, raining heavenly lights down upon you and the few family members in attendance.

 A wedding arranged this hastily only family members who lived in the Hatfield homestead or immediately nearby were in attendance. 

Anse made it clear, that as far as he was concerned the less people that knew about your transgressions the better. 

You overheard Anse grumbling to Will just this morning. Instructing him that if anyone was to inquire about the speed of your marriage that he was to say it was done to ensure you and Cotton were taken care of after your Pa’s passing. 

But the Hatfield’s weren’t a bunch of fools and even less would be confused about the sudden nuptials when your baby comes in the not too distant future. 

And as much as that thought shames you, knowing you’ll have Will by your side when talk stirs up, leaves you unafraid to face it.

 Moving across the snow-covered field, Uncle Wall pins you both on approach, his face set as his stern gaze sweeps between you. 

As a child, you knew a lecture was coming with a stare like that, but standing here on this winter day, about to become Will’s forever, not even Wall’s glare can dampen your spirits.

“Thought you two were smarter than this.” Uncle Wall admonishes with a shake of his head, only loud enough for the three of you to hear.

Your throat tightens with a guilt you’re still learning to sit with, but that feeling quickly quiets as Will pats your hand reassuringly.

 “Jus’ wanna make this right. Im gonna take good care ‘er.” Cap swears, meeting Uncle Wall’s gaze dead on, man to man as your eyes drift onto the man you’re about to marry, the man you’ve admired and wished for since you were just a girl, watching him in wonder. A truly is a good and just man.

Turning back, you watch Uncle Wall’s gaze sweep between you two for a moment before he concedes with a steady nod.

“You better, son.” He practically warns, before turning his gaze to you. 

“An’ this is what you wan’ too lil’ lady?” He asks, concern laced on this breath.

 You’d never admit it aloud, but Uncle Wall was your favorite uncle. More gentle and open than Anse, he’s been sweet to you your whole life, his baby brother’s little girl. He was always buying you books, and talking with as if your thoughts mattered just as much as any mans did.

His question sends your eyes falling back on Will, his gaze waiting for you as you stare into one pricing blue eye, one beautifully milky, your heart thumping hard in your chest with assurance.

“Is’ all I wan’.” You confess, never more sure of anything.

 “Well then, let’s git to it.” Uncle Wall agrees, opening up the thick book gripped heavy in his hands.

You and Will turn to face each other. His hands tangle with your own as your eyes can’t help but scan the snow-covered winter wonderland around you. 

Mostly blank faces meet your gaze in return and instantly you wish your Pap was there. Wish his gentle eyes were staring back at you. 

You spot Jim snickering to himself over a swig of whiskey before Anse shoots him a quick look that shuts him up quick. 

Levicy stands strong and silent, her arm wrapped around Anse as your uncle stares on, his face expressionless. 

Nancy and Robert E stand amongst the children who fidget and stir, holding a strangle knowing glint in their eyes as they meet your gaze. You can only imagine what they must think was going on when they spotted you and Will alone in the past. 

Everyone’s quiet, resigned to the state of affairs, the awful truth, except your brother. Except your sweet Cotton. 

Only Cotton sees fit to hold a smile wide on his face as your eyes meet. Your silver lining in any storm.

Then you feel it, the gentle squeeze of your hands all tangled up in Will’s big callused ones. 

Your eyes drift back to Will’s and instantly the look in his gaze sucks you in, takes you captive in the moment. 

The light of happiness in his eyes mesmerizes you, fills your heart with a joy you’ve never known. 

He hasn’t said it yet, neither have you, everything happened too fast, but in that moment, you can see it, he loves you. 

Staring into his eyes you know, no matter the circumstances that brought you here, there’s nowhere else you’d rather be.

 The rest of the ceremony goes off without a hitch as you stare lost in Will’s eyes. No one else matters in that moment. 

You say ‘I do’ with a pounding in your heart, and when you hear the words ring off Will’s lips they practically sound like I love you. 

When Uncle Wall finally pronounces, you husband and wife, when you stare into Will’s eyes, knowing you’re his forever as he moves toward you in earnest, his steady hand finding your cheek as his face descends slowly to yours, you feel it deep in your heart… Absolute peace.

 A family gathering and small feast ensure after your nuptials. To honor you and Will, despite circumstances surrounding your marriage. 

When your aunt Levicy asks you to round up the lil ones before they catch a death of cold rolling around in the slush and snow outside you don’t hesitate. 

She and your cousin Nancy have already done too much, fussing over a proper family meal, refusing your help as you stand about all dressed up. 

Will’s been steady by your side. The quiet touches against your hand or along your side making you crave more of him in way you’ve never felt before, but normally you’d be helping to prepare the meal and it don’t feel right watching as they slave over it and not offer a hand.

 So instead you jump at the chance to give a hand wherever you can, even if that means leaving Will’s side. 

Trudging out in the snow to gather up the little ones. The sun still shines, but it’s lowering on the horizon and the clouds have begun to thicken, blocking out the suns warming rays more than they show.

 Your boots sink into the slush as you spot Levicy’s youngest, Elliot. At barely two, the bottom of his little trousers are all soaked from the snow and slush that comes nearly halfway up his calf’s and the front of his cloths are wet too, no doubt from tumbling as he tried to chase after the older ones. 

Scooping him up, you placed the toddler on your hip as you began to call the others children inside.

 Making a mental count of them all just to make sure they were all accounted for as they moaned and protested, but scurried inside.

 Then you feel it, that prick on the back of your neck when someone is watching you. Your eyes scan about and sure enough you spot Johnse coming down the porch steps. His gaze steadies upon you, headed your way. You clutched Elliot closer to you as your eyes hold with his, unable to look away.

“You make a beautiful bride.” Johnse tells you in a way you know is him just being cordial.

You and your cousin were once so close, he was always your favorite after Will. Could make you laugh like no one else, besides Will, but after what happened between you all, you don’t know how to feel about him, don’t know how to act. 

What happened between the two of you still hurts your heart and what came of it you’ll have to live with forever. 

You don’t hate him and you don’t want to not trust him, but things ain’t like they use to be.

 Turning for the house you start up, breaking from his gaze as your eyes turn onto Elliot offering him a gentle smile. 

“Thanks Jonce.” You answer politely.

“Motherhood suits you, I do believe.” Johnse tells you, following you over to the front steps.

A nervous edge creeps up your spine with his words as if they’re laced with some hidden innuendo you’re afraid to face.

“Best git Elliot into the house ‘for he gits sick.” You offer back. Trying to feigned a casual air as you try your best to escape this time alone with Johnse. Your gut sensing whatever he has to say, it ain’t gonna be good.

 You almost make it when Johnse suddenly grabs your arm on the front steps. His grip gentle, but halting as you’re forced to turn back and meet his gaze.

“Listen, I was hopin’ we could talk-“ Johnse tells your gently, his light blue eyes reaching for you before his words died against the sound of a new voice.

“Yer gonna catch a cold out here with no coat on, Darlin’.” You hear Will’s voice coming up quick beside you as your face whips back around toward the front door. 

Spotting Will moving to the step above you, you feel a sigh of relief leave your lungs.

“I was just gittin’ the children.” You explain.

 Coming up on you, Will’s hand slips around your back, running gently up and down your spine as he sends you a warming grin that always makes you feel safe before his gaze drifts up to his brother.

“I was jus’ goin’ to gather up some more fire wood from the pile. Hows about you gimme’ a hand, Jonce?” Will implores more than he asks as his hand leaves your back and he moves toward his brother.

You catch Johnse’s gaze fleetingly as Will grabs at his brother arm, turning him back the other way and practically pulling him down the steps.

 A tightening fills your heart as you watch them go. Knowing with every beat of your heart, somethings not right and they ain’t going to no wood pile. 

You had tried to make quick work of getting all the kids inside. Tried to get back out to Will and Johnse as fast as you could. 

The sick feeling in your heart sure something wasn’t right between them, but then Aunt Levicy needed you to pull a pies from the oven while she mashed up the potatoes and after everything she had already done, you couldn’t deny her such a simple request. 

But once the pies were lined up on the window sill cooling, you were racing back outside to find them.

When you can’t find Will and Johnse near the wood pile, your heart starts to race, worry begins to twist tighter in your gut. 

Confirming every fear you had when he and Johnse first took off… This was never about gathering wood. 

Clutching your shawl tighter around your shoulders as the cold creeps in beneath the fabric of your dress. 

Your eyes scan about your surroundings as your body moves in a steady circle to get a good look about, the skirt of your dress twirling with the motion.

 The font yard is clear as supper is almost ready. The open snow covered grass surrounds the house, surrounding you. Just beyond that lies the forest. Full of dense foliage, trees taller than five men stacked. 

Normally their luscious green hues would stare callingly back at you, but it’s winter, only barren branches and brown dead leaves meet your gaze.

 You’re heart starts to deepen with worry when suddenly you hear it. Muffled, but not too far away as you follow the sound like bread crumbs left to lead the way. 

You hear Will’s voice, you’d know it anywhere, as you move steadily along the side of the old wooden barn, hear the grit thick on his breath. It tells you he’s displeased far stronger than any choice of words ever could. 

You tug your shawl a little tighter around you as the setting sun begins to draw in the cold mountain air or maybe’s it’s just the apprehension finding its way into your heart… You’re not sure which.

 “Coulda had all the girls in Wes’ Virginia and Kentucky alike fer all I care, ‘nyone but her. You knew what she meant ta me, but you didn’ thinka that did ya?”

“I never meant neither of yous no harm, Cap. I tell you true, but if she’s carryin’ my baby-“

Will and Johnse’s words send a quick shiver down your spine. Send your mind racing with thoughts of what Johnse’s got cooking up, but you never get to hear what his intentions are, before a loud bang sounds. 

Nearly startling you as the wooden walls of the barn start to rattle from the force of it, and you know Will has lost his temper.

 Grabbing the skirt of your dress, you trudge quickly through the layers of mud and snow. 

Rounding the back of the barn as quickly as you can, and when you do, your intuitions prove you right. 

You find Will’s got Johnse pinned up against the barn by the collar of his shirt. 

Your new husband’s chest is heaving, his nicely combed hair now fallen wildly in his face as he stares his big brother down with a raw intensity that leaves even you feeling rattled.

“This is my family, you understand Jonce? ‘n you’d best not to get any ideas otherwise.” Will seethes in his face.

You move quickly toward them, your own fears momentarily forgotten as the situation suddenly escalates. 

Hoping to stop all this nonsense before someone else catches wind of it. 

The back of the barn has you all covered for the time being, but with the way this situation is rapidly unfolding, it’s likely someone will come to intervene if Johnse and Will start to brawl. And then everyone will know the awful truth. 

The terrible truth you thought you had managed to bury when you wed Will today, but you’re beginning to see this secret is too big to completely disappear forever.

 “Will,” You call as you come up on them, but your voice only gets drowned out by Johnse.

“But if she’s havin my-“ Johnse tries once again to reason with his brother like the well-meaning fool he is, missing the importance of this to Will completely.

“Nah, you listen Jonce, you took somethin’ that wasn’ yours ta take and then you ran off like a coward when it came time to own up to it, jus’ like you always do. I stood by her. I faced Pa. The baby she’s carryin’ is mine. You best to forget anything else.” Will carries on. His fists clenched so tightly around Johnse’s collar his knuckles are turning white. 

He hasn’t even glanced your way. In all his anger, you doubt he even knows your there or realizes it’s you.

 “Will,” You try again, your voice low from shock as the truth of Johnse’s realization sets in. 

You had known in your heart he knew the baby was his. Despite what Will told his Pa. 

How could he not? But after Johnse said nothing when Uncle Anse pressed you, you’d had somehow thought he had accepted the possibility the baby could be Will’s. 

But thinking on that now you realize how silly the notion was. Why would he believe you had been with them both? He knows you better than that.

You try to catch Will’s eye, but he’s too deep in it now to notice you anyway. Breathing hard, intense gaze piercing on Johnse like the rest of world has fallen away as he drives his point home.

 “Yer my brother Jonce, but if you try ‘n interfere with my family. You will answer for that.” Will threatens, his breath heavy, his eyes drilling into Johnse so fiercely it surprises you. 

You’ve never seen him look at his brother this way before. Johnse’s older, thicker, and harder, but Will is taller, more lanky, and has an intensity inside him any man should fear. 

The kind you know could turn on Johnse if he pushed Will too far. It’s not something you dwell on often, but you’ve noticed a change in Will. 

Since he took part in avenging your Pa’s death, since skunk hair was savagely murdered, since all this nonsense with the McCoy’s sent men into these hills hunting you family down for a bounty. 

Will’s harder now, more on edge, more quick tempered, and Johnse has certainly stirred up the worst in him just now.

 “Cap!” You finally shout, finding your voice. You’ve never called him that. 

Not in all your years together, but nothing else was breaking through the heat of his gaze and you knew in your gut this whole mess was only gonna turn more sour.

His face whips over to you almost instantly, his pupil going wide as he takes the sight of you in as if he’s just now realizing you’re there.

 “What’s goin’ on?” You ask, concern laced on your breath, your eyes searching his, before briefly falling on Johnse and then back onto Will. 

You can’t say you’re entirely surprised by this turn of events. Can’t say your surprised Johnse’s wants to own up now after leaving you when you needed someone most. 

You also knew how upset Will was with his brother over what happened and then for leaving you to face it on your own. 

You’d seen that fire in his eyes when Johnse had tried to talk you earlier, but it’s your wedding day, as last minute as it was, didn’t seem like the best time to air these grievances.

 Turning back to Johnse, Will instantly let his brother go, smoothing out the collar of his shirt.

“We was just having a word, is all. Right Jonce?” Will said, his voice edging with the answer he expected his brother to give, but you can also tell he’s trying to cover. You can tell he senses your fears and is trying his best to ease them.

“That’s right,” Johnse agreed, tugging down his shirt to smooth out the wrinkles. His gaze heavy upon you.

Your eyes pass between them both, not fooled in the least. You heard what they said, saw them with your own two eyes, but as long as it was done, you’re willing to just let it be.

Will steps closer to you as Johnse pushes off the barn wall, becoming practically a barrier between you two, but as Johnse moves to leave, Will leans in with a parting word.

 “Stay away from her. I don’ wan’ you upsettin’ her. Yeah hear?” Will warns low on his breath, leaning in close, blocking his brother’s retreat.

Will’s words surprise you, the warning on his breath, but then you watch Johnse meet his gaze dead on.

“Don’ look like I’m the one upsettin’ her.” He cuts back as if Will is making a whole lot out of nothing, before pushing past his little brtoher and moving toward the house.

 You hear a huff leave your husband, watch his shoulder grow tight.

“Will…” You say gently, reaching out to place hand on his shoulder, rubbing gently at the tension you see building between his muscles.

“I didn’ wan’ you to see all that.” Will admits on a heavy breath before he turns around slowly to face you.

“He knows? He gonna tell ‘nyone?” You ask with apprehension, biting on your lower lip at the thought. 

Holding back the heaviness that wants to build on your heart with this news as your gaze wanders over your shoulder to the direction Johnse’s left in.

This day didn’t go at all like you planned. Yer Pa wasn’t there, most of your kin wasn’t either, but you still got the result you always wanted, the one you always prayed for, to be Mrs. William Hatfield and the thought Johnse could stir up something that could hurt that, broke your heart.

You feel Will’s big callused hands surround your face as he draws it back to him. You find his eyes waiting for you before he speaks.

“My brother’s a fool, but he ain’t that dumb. Don’ matter though, we’re married now. Nothin’ he can do. I’m not gonna let him or anyone’ come between us. Yeah hear?” Will swear it, in that deep breath gritty way that always has you believing him, but still you’re scared. 

Scared Johnse will stir up trouble. Scared others will look down on yeah all if the truth came out. Sacred Will might change his mind after the baby comes. Scared this bubble will burst. Scared.

 But Will seems to sense that, the way he knows you so well, as you feel this thumb gently stroke over your cheek as his forehead drops down to yours.

“Yer my wife. There’s nothin’ I wouldn’ do to keep you safe and happy, Darlin’. You ain’t gotta worry about Jonce or ‘nyone else.”

“But the baby?” You ask, fear edging in your voice. Your nervous, nervous over what all this means.

“Our baby,” Will corrects you, his choice of words making your eyes water as your arms reach out and wrap around him.

“Our baby?” You ask on a shuttered breath, making sure he really means it.

“We’re a family now, Darlin’.” He tells you, smile spreading wide on his face. 

The smile that always leaves you weak in the knees, that makes your heart flutter and belly flip. 

Hearing all your need to, you pull Will into a passionate kiss. Knowing he’s finally yours, all yours, to have and to hold as you please.

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