You know the discussion about how making "people who do bad things" into a category that only inhuman monsters inhabit (and thus no "good, normal, human person" could possibly be an abuser, or a murderer, or manipulative) makes the world so much more dangerous because it is normal people who do those things and if you don't recognize that you won't be able to identify/confront those people in your life?
I think we need to do something similar with the conversation around "self hate".
I read a post today containing an argument over whether being self-depreciating is a prideful and/or selfish thing to be. I skimmed most of it but at least some of the replies seemed to come to "absolutely NOT and it is CRUEL to put down people who are depressed by implying that they are also being selfish and the whole situation is their fault".
And.
I get that.
It is a horrible thing to feel awful about yourself, and then additionally be told that that is you being selfish and unkind to other people.
I am not speaking from a place of chronic depression; I've never been there. Nor am I including in this argument physical disorders of the mind (due to illness or injury or chemical imbalances).
And I am, for the record, approaching this from a christian perspective, where sin, in action and in thought, is very real.
but
Yes, it is self-centered to hate yourself.
It is incredibly self-centered to think that you are the worst person on earth.
It is incredibly self-centered to believe that your problems are unsolvable, or that you specifically do not deserve help.
It is a narrow, false, broken idea to have, that you are somehow worse than everyone else.
It may not be prideful, depending on the whether the definition we are using includes thinking well of oneself, but it still places you in the center, if only in your own private mind.
If you are consumed with hating yourself (not everyone who feels bad about themselves is), you will not help others. You will not consider the bigger picture. You will not improve in your skills or your relationships or your faith. You will not give God the glory He is due, you will project your hatred of yourself onto others and make out that they hate you, you will lie to yourself and others and in so doing become the very things that you fear that you are. You will be useless if you refuse to do anything at all. You will be a burden if you merely lie down and wait to die.
The lies are wrong. People do love you. God loves you. This will not change even if you are a burden. The people who really love you will never stop when it gets hard. There is not and will never be so much wrong with you or such a big thing wrong with you that God can not make you perfect. Christ's blood, if you have obeyed the gospel and have once been covered with it, will cover all! Nothing can snatch you out of the Father's hand, if you wish to be there.
But the point I want to make here is that you can be suffering and loved and deserving of help even if you are doing something wrong.
Let's say your situation is your fault. That definitely doesn't lessen the pain. That doesn't change at all the fact that you need help. It doesn't change how much you deserve help, either.
You can be suffering, and in the wrong, and doing the wrong thing, and it Does. Not. Lessen. Your. Value. It Does. Not. Change. That. You. Should. Be. Helped. Compassionately. Lovingly.
"Suffering" or even specific to this conversation "Self-hating" is not a category of inherently innocent people! We are all messed up! Usually at least some of our suffering is own own fault! (not always. Listen to me. NOT EVERYONE WHO IS SUFFERING IS SUFFERING BECAUSE IT IS THEIR FAULT. Suffering is not an inherent punishment for your specific flaws.)
Just...let people be wrong. Let yourself be wrong. and work to change it. And still be loved.
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