#not to mention billy has cancer again and can’t work so this could be a way of gaining back control

[porschekittisawasds]

okay so billy is the arsonist right

#I mean he knew owen was going back to the location #and the arsonist clearly has a lot of knowledge on how to hide arson #not to mention billy has cancer again and can’t work so this could be a way of gaining back control #911 spoilers #911 lone star

[kaypeace21]

Will created the Mindflayer (Theory revisited)

After, watching all 3 seasons I believe the upside down/mindflayer is not only an allegory for Will and El’s (cannon) ptsd/ and trauma but also (because of their powers), has become a physical manifestation (with a life of it’s own). I previously talked about how El made the upside down/demorgorgans and how Will created the mindflayer and demodogs (before s3). However I wanted to add more details to this analysis and  focus on how the Mindflayer represented Will’s darker emotions and thoughts in s3 . So let’s get started.

The original title for Stranger things was “Montauk”- in reference to the Montauk Project. It was about experiments conducted on psychic children, where the scientists would “break” them psychologically to strengthen their powers and to program them.  In one of the stories there was a boy named Duncan who could “open portals to other dimensions and periods of time” . However, one day “Duncan let loose a monster from his subconscious.” 

This is where Stranger Things comes in... El, opened the portal and created the demorgorgans, which represented El’s fears. Joyce and Nancy called the demorgorgan  a “man without a face”, or as El called them repeatedly “the bad men.” The bad men kill (using guns),  while the demorgans are attracted to blood. However, the one time they went after someone who wasn’t bleeding- was when it chased after Will, another psychic child. Brenner even says about the demorgorgan “it’s calling to you for a reason”. And right before El goes to the sensory deprivation tank, Brenner gives her flowers (resembling the opened face of the demorgorgan which resembles a flower). In the Stranger things novel, Suspicious Minds, a psychic character named Alice, even says “ “Monsters...of course my brain has them.” As long as they stayed in there, everything would be all right. “Wouldn’t it?”

The upside down/ opening of the gate/demorgorgan is even described as something that  grows and spreads, “like a cancer”. And something that will eventually kill her, if not confronted (and analogy to suicidal thoughts?)

In s1 Dusting even asks, Eleven “Do you have cancer?” In a literal sense no, but the buzzcut ( which makes people assume she has cancer) represents the abuse she’s been through. And if she doesn’t confront her trauma it will slowly eat away at her until it kills her .  Or the physical manifestation of it will.

The name El is the name of a Canaanite God, which means “god of creation.” When El said in s1 “I’m the monster”, only for Mike to correct her and disagree. In a way they’re both right, it’s not her who is in control. But the monsters (who has a life of its own) represents her darker emotions and fears and is affected by her feelings- and this is why they were mirrored to each other visually.

So the fact that the Mindflayer shows up for the first time when Will is experiencing his “anniversary effect” relating to his ptsd, may not be a coincidence. Don’t you find it strange when Will’s dog died between s1-2, the demorgorgans become demo-dogs?  And once again,  the vines ( put inside Will in s1) and the shadow monster/Mindflayer - are also described as spreading, and we are told that it will kill Will. Will even says “ the more he spreads the more connected to him I feel.” And if I’m right about Will becoming number 12, it’s interesting to point out that 12 is a numeral symbol for “God of creation”, as well.

The other Drs/scientists are extremely callous and say they need to continue the burn (even if it kills Will). However, Dr Owens even says after this “You’re putting a bandaid on this.”  Meaning they aren’t addressing the real problem- Will & El’s trauma.

And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if I’m right- this also implies Will was m***sted as a kid (probably by Lonnie), who always called him homophobic slurs. The demorogorgan represented ‘Brenner/ the bad-men’ to El. And the Mindflayer initially represented Lonnie, to Will . Will is even the first to call the Mindflayer a “he”, instead of an it- even though in d&d cannon Mindflayers are “sexless hermaphodites”. 

Also,Will doesn’t initially call the Mindflayer a “he” but an “it”.And if you only take out certain pieces of dialogue between Joyce and Will, when they first talk  about the mind flayer, where they only refer to it as an ‘it’ … and if you put  [‘he/him’] pronouns there instead… then the rest of the discussion about the mind flayer literally sounds… questionable.

Will: “It all just went blank and then you were there”

Joyce: “Will I need you to tell me the truth.”

Will: “I am!”

Joyce: “But …  But I can’t help you if I don’t know what’s going on. So you have to talk to me. Please. No more secrets, okay? Okay.”

Will: “ [*It] came for me and … and  I tried… I tried to make [*it] go away … but [*it] got me mom”.        (*he, * him,* he)

Joyce: What does that mean?”

Will: “I felt [*it] everywhere. everywhere. I- I still feel [*it]. I just want this to be over!”         (*him, *him)

Joyce: “LOOK AT ME! I Will never let anything bad happen to you ever again!”

And I’m not sure how seriously I should take the cannon spotify playlists. But, the cannon spotify character playlists  (which netflix and spotify worked on and published together after s2) alluded to this on both Jonathan and Will’s playlists. And the only songs about their dads hint at this fact.

Jonathan’s Playlist- We’re happy family: “Eating refried beans (poverty). Gulpin’ down Thorazines (pills for a mood disorder). We ain’t got no friends (s2 ref). Our troubles never end. Daddy likes men. Daddy’s telling lies.”

Enter sandman: “Don’t forget my son. Sleep with one eye open. Gripping your pillow tight, Exit light, Enter night. Take my hand, we’re off to never-never land. Something’s wrong, shut the light, heavy thoughts tonight. Dreams of liars and of things that will bite, yeah. Hush little baby don’t say a word, and never mind that noise you heard. It’s just the beasts under your bed, in your closet in your head.”

Will’s playlist- Creature comfort: “Some boys hate themselves spend their lives resenting their fathers…Some boys get too much, too much love, too much touch... look in the mirror and wait for the feedback”

And if the vines and the shadow monster represent his dad  the fact it enters violently through his mouth,  and the way he describes the Mf first possessing him further reinforces this analogy. Especially since Billy/MF lays on top of his victims, and  right before the monster puts a similar thing in their mouths says (To Heather) “Don’t be afraid. It’ll all be over soon. Just stay very still”, and (to El) “Don’t be afraid . It’ll all be over soon. Just try and stay... very still.” (May indicate Will might have have heard his dad say this  to him, and thats why the Mf says it to his victims.)

The entry of the vine, even causes him to spit out a slug, as he looks back in the mirror (like in the song lyric).

The experience of the vine/slug probably brought back traumatic memories, not to mention his time in the upside down invented new ones. The mindflayer first appears during Will’s ptsd “anniversary effect”. And in s2 when Joyce asked about the mindflayer drawing, Will  lies saying it’s for a story he’s writing . But maybe, unbeknownst to him... it wasn’t actually a lie ? The 1st time Will senses the Mf again in s3, is when he’s watching a movie about zombies (on a ‘date’ with Mike). And in s3, the monster the Mf creates is based “the thing” ( by  merging zombies bodies together)... and we see Will writing the d&d story right next to this ‘The Thing’ poster. The light at it’s head, indicating this whole story may be Will’s idea all along. 

So ‘the thing’, the zombies, defeating it with fire were all referenced to Will- and later showed to unfold in the Mf’s story. And even though d&d always foreshadows later events in the season,  I find it interesting that the one time in the series we see Will write the d&d story... is when it matches MF’s plans. The shadow monster stayed in the real world, after the gate closed (and didn’t do anything for 6 months)? And specifically choses to attack/possess a guy named William who also was abused by his dad and called homophobic slurs (internalized hate perhaps)? And don’t you find it strange that the shadow monster only decides to come out now, in the summer (despite it not liking hot temperatures) when Will is at his lowest point emotionally? Well, it’s because the MF is based on Will’s darker emotions and thoughts.

 S3 was the season that Will was feeling jealous over mileven, and probably coming more to terms with his sexuality -  and this is when the mindflayer/shadow monster decides to strike. Whenever the Mf is close and Will touches his neck relates to his romantic feelings for Mike. 1st time it’s on one of their ‘movie dates’, 2nd time when Mike and El walk off together down the hill, 3rd time right after he smashed castle byers after Mike says “it’s not my fault you don’t like girls”, 4th time when Mike asks him to go away so he can talk to El in the hospital waiting area, and 5th time when Mike says El loves El. 

And again it’s when Will smashes castle Byers that Will first says “He’s back”. Castle byers was built on a rainy night , the same day Will’s  dad left, when Will was 5 (the same age he met Mike). And lonnie called him a “queer” and a “f*g” and forced him to do “normal things” like baseball to have him “be more of a man”. And then on a rainy night, after Mike says “It’s not my fault you don’t like girls”… what does Will destroy castle byers with? A bat. 

Will drew up castle byers before creating it in the real world.  And the fact Will has a baseball bat (despite not liking baseball) in Castle Byers, surrounded by things he loves: drawings, d&d, art supplies, a microscope, comics- just shows what an impact Lonnie’s problematic conditioning and abandonment had on him. He used a baseball bat to destroy something he loves -castle Byers, and symbolically he was trying to reject his feelings for Mike using Lonnie’s old tactics of fixing him. So regardless of what Lonnie did or didn’t do, the correlation between the MF and Lonnie is there. He smashes up castle Byers with a bat (thinking of Lonnie) and then he feels “more connected to him (the Mf)” again, and says ‘he (the Mf) is back’.

The reason we didn’t get Willel, was for a narrative reason. We are shown that Max and El don’t know each other. It’s implied that El almost never leaves the house and just spends her time kissing Mike. So Will never got to have the opportunity to get to know her either. And for Will his resentment of El isn’t simply based on the fact he loves Mike. He insults El calling her a “stupid-girl” just like how Robin said she hated Steve and his “stupid-hair” because the girl she liked , liked him- and of course a lot of that redirected hate isn’t mere jealousy, but projected internalized homophobia. I don’t think a straight person could ever really understand how much hate queer people initially have for themselves when initially figuring things out- so his redirected anger is more than simple jealousy, but just hate for himself. He even looks at a picture of Mike after this and says “so stupid”,  4 times , while at castle Byers.

But honestly, that’s nothing compared to the hate he has/ how he blames her for ruining his life! El might have saved him twice (and it might of been an accident/ dr Brenner who’s really to blame). But Will knows she opened the gate . So to him, he spent a week in a place with no sunlight, food, or breathable air , having to experience that vine, dying, getting ptsd, being ostracized by everyone at school and being called “zombie boy” and a “freak”- being possessed by the MF, getting burned alive, killing Bob (the closest thing to a real father figure) and all those men (making him a murderer), and strangling his mom.Because of her!

And then that’s when s3 starts to make a lot more sense. Will might not want anything bad to actually happen to El but he’s probably had these dark thoughts before.  Will even says about the MF.

He says the real Mf is still in the upside down, but ‘the part that was still in him... was still in their world.’ And it flashes to El’s face as he says it. Essentially the Mf is motivated by his fictionalized story, thoughts/memories of Lonnie, and any dark intrusive thought Will has ever had about El , much to Will’s horror. 

He said in s3 that “I’m not worried about me, mom. I’m worried about you.” So the fact that he strangled her and almost killed her in s2, probably haunts him to this day- and he might of thought, ‘wish I strangled her instead’. And who does Billy/Mf look at right before grabbing her throat, and who is the first reaction shot we see when he starts choking her - Will’s horrified expression!

Maybe the Mf thought El was the most important, and that Will was nothing ( despite all the foreshadowing indicating the Mf held special intentions for Will), because he feels like he’s nothing compared to El? Will even says in s2 it wanted to kill everyone, but him, but now it’s saying that to El only? Maybe because Will wanted her to experience having such an entity say it to her too, and experience the same fear and isolation it caused him? In s2, why did the Mf chase Will and possess him at the school, when El (at the same time) was at the school as well (if it was always after her)? It’s because the Mf’s motivations are linked to Will’s feelings/emotions.

He probably also thought, how would you like a slug crawling/invading your body, huh?And although it doesn’t go to her mouth (probably because he could never wish that on anyone- if it symbolizes what I think it does). She still has a similar experience. And everyone is worried/horrified but Will is the only one sobbing (probably because he thought of this happening to her before).

After this he doesn’t even help move the car, he just stays glued at El’s side as if trying to protect her. And interestingly, this is when El loses her powers. Will may have even thought. If she never had her powers, none of this would have ever happened! Or ‘you guys wouldn’t think she’s so great without her powers.” So did Will accidentally steal her powers?!!!! Maybe. Will has always been associated with bears (along with 3 other animal symbols that El also has).  We see a zoom in shot of Will’s bear drawing right before the demorgorgan takes him from the upside down version of castle byers in s1. Bears symbolically represent  “wisdom” like ‘Will the wise’ and were associated with the demorgorgan/upside down in s1 and 2 as well . Max and Nancy both compared demorrgorgans to bears- and Nancy and Jonathan used a bear-trap to capture the demorgorgan in s1. So when El tries to grab Will’s teddy bear (it was shown to be his in s1) with her powers. And Mike says “they’ll come back”. They might actually come back, because Will and EL’s relationship improves. Mike even tried to give El a golden bear as a gift (so maybe that signifies the giving back of her powers in s4 ?)

Will was always hinted to have powers from the very beginning, so it would be incredibly stupid to just drop this plot point, despite all the foreshadowing. In the 1st episode, Will wins Dustin’s xmen comic in a bet- and Dustin later asks the gang “Do you think Eleven was born with powers like the xmen?” And also before he was sent to the upside down his password for Castle Byers was ‘Rhadagast’ a wizard character from Lord of the Rings. And in the ST prequel novel “Suspicious Minds”  the adult psychics were referenced to both the xmen and lord of the Rings characters. And in the comic, he keeps on saying ‘what would Will- the Wise do’ (his d&d wizard character). Also Dustin straight up called El a “wizard” in the last ep of s1, at Will’s bedside. Not to mention Mike in s2 called Will a “cleric” - and clerics get their powers from a god (cough the mindflayer), and in d&d the wiser the cleric the more powerful they are. And Will’s nickname is ‘Will the wise’? The fact that Will in s1 drew his character with lightning and fire powers- and the fact he barbecued 2 phones in s1 (just like El did to the radio at the school). In s1 was said he could “shadow walk” a wizard d&d power.  The fact he could control lights and manipulate electronics to communicate to his mom from another dimension (and in s1 only El could do that). The fact he literally created a portal through the wall of his house (just like El did at the school in s2). And just the many other hints in s1! The fact that he drew himself in s2 with a crystal ball (which is associated with the powers of scrying and clairvoyance) before being possessed, but just so happen to have those abilities in s2. Dustin also said the only way to defeat the MF is an undead army and Will’s nickname is “zombie boy”. So frankly, his fight with the MF (who is still in the upside down) may not be over. And that new demorgagan in Russia might be a symbol of El’s grief over Hopper’s (perceived) death.

This would honestly, be the only explanation that would allow me to forgive the Duffers . Like you can steal this idea from me! Please! XD

#stranger things theory #will byers #byler #el hopper

[lilacmoon83]

Lightning in a Bottle

Also on Fanfiction.net and A03

Chapter 24: Whatever it Takes, Pt 2

Margaret was in heaven, as he kissed her deeply, which was in concert with the actions of the rest of his body. She lay pinned beneath him, bare and their bodies blissfully joined together in the act of lovemaking. Even though he had gotten home late, which she completed understood the reason for, he was making it up to her.

"David…" she mewled in pleasure, as he brought her to the edge and carried her over into a euphoria that had her writhing beneath him. She knew only he could bring her such. They had always been so in sync, whether it be emotionally, mentally, or physically. His climax was only seconds behind her and they slowly came down from the high. Sometimes she still couldn't believe that she had gotten him back. Her world had literally crashed to complete devastation, with only her daughter to give her a reason to go on and the only one that had held her back from complete insanity. Had she lost Olive too, she was certain she would have been broken completely and probably ended up institutionalized somewhere. Then he returned to her and with him, her son and best friend and turned the light on inside her that went out when they disappeared. Losing him again couldn't happen; it wasn't an option. A second time would kill her; she was certain of it. But she banished those worries and trepidations that all this was too good to be true from her mind and instead focused on him and being in his arms once again.

Margaret cuddled against him and rested her head on his chest, as they basked in the afterglow. As they lay together, softly kissing, he noticed that she seemed a bit distracted now.

"What is it?" he asked.

"Mmm…Henry asked if he could go back to school today," she replied. He sighed. He supposed he should have expected that conversation.

"And you think we should let him?" he asked.

"He is better...his cancer is in remission and I think he misses normalcy," she replied.

"He is...and I agree. I'm just worried about what happens if his connection to Anton rears its head again," he said.

"And I am too...but he really wants to and as long as he's healthy, I'm not sure we shouldn't let him. Regina says his cancer is all but gone...I think he just wants to be normal again," she replied, which reminded him of a conversation he had with their son on the plane.

~*~

Flashback

As the plane touched down on the tarmac, there was some cheering, as they had been forced to circle for a while, before being diverted. He had no idea what that was all about, but he was just relieved that they were home and couldn't wait to see his wife and daughter, whom he still had to call and tell that they had been diverted to another airfield. He looked at his phone and became perplexed though.

"No signal...seriously?" Emma asked.

"Yeah...mine too," he replied, as he looked at his son.

"Hey...why the long face? We're home," he reminded him. Henry looked at him and it nearly broke his heart.

"When we were on vacation, I felt like I didn't have cancer anymore," Henry replied.

"I know, buddy," David said softly.

"But now that we're back in New York...I have cancer again. Part of me never wanted to come back here," he replied.

"I know...and Mom and I felt that way too. We even talked about just staying on the beach forever with you and Ollie. But life, unfortunately, just doesn't work that way. We're going to keep fighting though," he promised.

~*~

"You're right…" he agreed, as they had gotten up and put their robes on. They were both now in their son's room, watching him sleep. Despite being the middle of the night, they weren't the only ones awake and heard someone in the kitchen.

"Emma's probably eating blueberry pop-tarts," Margaret whispered. He kissed her tenderly.

"I'll go see what's going on with her," he said, as he left her to keep watch on their son, while he went to the kitchen.

"Hey…" he said, as he came in.

"Hey," she replied, as she drank cocoa and munched on a pop-tart.

"That's a lot of sugar at two in the morning," he mentioned.

"Did MM make you say that?" she asked and he chuckled.

"Of course...but seriously, you only eat this stuff in the middle of the night after a nightmare," he replied. She nodded.

"Was it about the night Lily died again?" he asked.

"Actually no...it was about Killian," she replied.

"A nightmare about Killian?" he asked.

"It was more unease than anything. I think we're being watched...and getting Killian involved was a mistake. What if knowing all this puts him in danger?" she asked.

"I've thought about that...especially with Margaret. But keeping something...anything from her just isn't an option for me. Especially something like this," he replied. She sighed.

"I know...but he's not with me. He's married to someone else. I mean, how do you think his wife would feel if she found out that her husband risked his entire career and livelihood to cover for his ex?" she asked. He winced.

"Not great…" he agreed.

"But that was his choice. You offered to come clean and he wouldn't let you," he reminded her. She snorted.

"I didn't have to listen to him," she muttered.

"But you did, because you respect him and there's still feelings there," he mentioned.

"Don't start with that," she protested.

"I'm not saying act on those feelings...but you probably should deal with them so you can move on," he said. She gave him a withering gaze.

"That is exactly what MM would tell me," she replied. He smirked.

"Well, she is my wife and soul mate...and she's always right," he said. She sighed and didn't protest that.

"Yeah...well, it's easier said than done. Meanwhile, what are you doing up and believe me, I'm trying to ignore your sex hair, cause that can't be the only reason," she said. He chuckled at that.

"We...we were just talking about Henry. He wants to go back to school and I'd be lying if I said that it didn't scare me," he said.

"You mean because of Anton?" she asked. He nodded.

"I just...maybe we should find him first. I mean, what if Henry relapses?" he asked. She sighed.

"David...you need to realize that it could be a while or never when we do find him. I think letting Henry go back to something of a normal life is the best thing. For all of us...especially if we are being watched," Emma replied.

"MM thinks so too," he mentioned.

"And she's always right," Emma teased and he smiled.

"Okay...good late night talk," he said, as he stood up.

"Get some sleep," he urged.

"You too," she replied.

"We'll see," he said slyly.

"Eww…" she complained, as she headed back downstairs and he went to the bedroom.

"Is she okay?" Margaret asked. He nodded.

"She is...and you're right about Henry. We should let him go back to school," he agreed. She smiled and kissed him.

"I'll get him registered...and everything is going to be okay," she promised. He smiled and kissed her again.

"You're right...because I have you," he said, as he caressed her face gently. Their lips met again and a second bout of passion consumed them.

~*~

After a restless night, Emma was on her way to the station when she received the call. They had a possible jumper and they wanted her there, because it was an 828 passenger. She rushed to the scene and arrived to find Killian and other officers already on the scene.

"Do you recognize him?" Killian asked.

"No...but I don't have the passenger roster memorized like my brother," Emma replied.

"We identified him as Felix Smith," one of the officers said. Emma vaguely remembered seeing him on the plane and that's when she heard her own voice again, in her head.

"Don't Lose Him," the voice said. Another Calling and she took a deep breath.

"I'm going up to talk to him," she said.

"All right...let's get a harness on you," Killian agreed, as they got her ready.

~*~

"And now...we're in," Billy said, as he showed David some of the coding procedures.

"Nice…I think it's starting to come back to me. Thanks for taking the time to run through this with me," he said.

"No problem," Billy said, as he stood up and David knew it was now or never. He felt badly about it, but pretended to accidentally stumble and knock the coffee cup in Billy's hand all over him.

"Oh my God...I'm so sorry! I'm so clumsy," he said, as he tried to help the now irritated IT tech clean off with some paper towels.

"Ugh...it's okay. I got it," Billy said, as he headed for the bathroom. David looked back at the laptop and took a flash drive out of his pocket. He quickly found his way into the UDS coding and through into the account. He smirked, as it was everything needed. He put the flash drive in the slot and initiated the copy. He tapped his foot impatiently and heard footsteps coming toward the room. It was undoubtedly Billy and he had only seconds. Fortunately, he finished and ejected the flash drive, before standing up from the table.

"I'm really sorry...and thanks again," David said. Billy smiled.

"No worries...and I know you didn't mean to," he replied. David nodded and returned to his desk, with the flash drive safely in his pocket.

~*~

Emma opened the door to the roof of the building and slowly stepped onto the rooftop.

"Stay back!" Felix cried.

"Felix...it's okay. My name is Emma Nolan...I was on the plane too," she told him. He squinted his eyes, as if trying to place her, and then shook his head.

"No...stay away!" he insisted.

"Felix...I know what you're going through," she promised, as she slowly moved closer.

"It has to stop…" he cried, as there were tears in his eyes.

"What has to stop?" she asked.

"People are dying and it's my fault!" she replied.

"I'm sure that's not true," she said.

"No...you don't understand! There's only one way to stop it!" he claimed, as he looked down.

"I can see my house from here…" he said quietly.

"Felix...if you just come down, I know I can help you find out why these people close to you died," Emma replied.

"No...you can't. No one can help. More will die, unless I die instead," Felix insisted.

"Felix...no, that's not true. Please don't do this!" she pleaded, but he jumped anyway and she rushed to the edge. She lowered her head, as she saw him, dead on the pavement. She lost him...she had failed another Calling.

~*~

David suppressed an eyeroll, as he made his way toward Doc's office. The guy was the definition of an inept manager, who spent his time in his office, trolling the internet and eating junk food, while his employees did his allotment of work and made him look good. He drove a Maserati, while the real workers made peanuts. Working here was necessary though, but hopefully not for much longer. He couldn't risk looking at the flash drive here at work, but he couldn't wait to get home to do so either.

"Hey…" David stepped into his office and Doc waved him in.

"Man…I have been all over the 828 conspiracy sites this morning. There is some insane chatter," he said. David hated those sites and how his entire family was splashed all over them. It was bad enough that he and Emma were all over them, but it made his blood boil that his wife and children were also on the sites.

He was about to tell him that he was done with what he'd been given and was bored out of his mind, but the fire alarm went off, interrupting them.

"Okay...fire drill! Everyone file out down the stairs calmly," Doc called. David followed the other employees to the lobby and outside into the courtyard. He saw Vance and Gold standing by a tree and watched them casually walk away. He realized that they were likely the cause of the fire drill and casually followed them, until he was in the parking garage.

"Phone," Vance said.

"Excuse me?" David asked.

"Give me your phone...it's bugged," Vance clarified.

"You bugged my phone?!" David asked, as he handed it over and watched Vance stomp on it.

"We're the NSA...we bug everything," Vance said.

"Then why are you here?" David asked.

"I know about the flash drive. You realize that I could arrest you for corporate espionage?" he asked.

"But you haven't," David replied.

"Have you looked at any of the data?" Vance asked.

"Not yet...I can't here without getting caught," David replied.

"You can now...if you agree to work with us," Vance said, as he gave him a new phone and laptop.

"Wait...now you want to work with me?" David asked. Vance sighed.

"We saw the farm...and we saw the evidence," he said.

"Then why do you need me? Why don't you just take the flash drive and hand it off to one of your analysts?" David questioned and Gold smirked. Vance sighed.

"Because the minute I do...they'll be onto us and that data is too raw for me to make any sense of. Perhaps you can crack it though," he said. David sighed.

"So now you want me to trust you?" he asked.

"I know that's a risk, but I do respect your quest to keep your family safe," Vance replied. David took the devices and looked at them both.

"I'll see what I can find," he said, as he headed back inside, just as his new phone showed that he had a missed call from Emma.

"Hey...sorry I missed your call," David said, as he took the stairs.

"It happened again. A Calling...and I failed it," Emma told him.

"Okay...slow down," he said, as he stopped in the stairwell.

"One of the passengers, Felix Smith...jumped off a roof. He kept saying that people around him were dying and the only way to stop it from happening again was if he died instead. The Calling told me not to lose him...and I did," Emma said and he could tell she was really distraught.

"Oh Emma...I'm so sorry, but him jumping is not your fault," he reasoned.

"How do you know? The Calling was pretty clear," she sniffed.

"The Callings are never clear...you know that. Do you know why he thought people around him were dying?" he asked.

"Not yet...Killian and are headed to his place to search it soon," Emma answered.

"Okay...keep me posted and don't blame yourself. We'll figure this out...all of it," he promised, as he hung up and returned to his desk with his new laptop. He put the other one away and set up the new one. He looked around and without further delay, he put the flash drive in and delved into the raw data.

~*~

After her last class let out, Margaret arrived at Olive's school. The High School she attended was also connected to the Middle School and the Elementary School, which made her feel a little about enrolling Henry in school. At least she knew that Ollie would be there with him before and after school and perhaps even at lunch. Registering him was fairly quick and easy and she met her daughter outside at the car.

"Hey Mom…" Olive said, as they shared a hug.

"Hey sweetheart, how was your day?" she asked.

"Great...is Henry starting school tomorrow?" she asked, as they got in the car.

"He is and I know he's going to protest, but will you please walk him to his class in the morning and make sure he gets settled okay?" Margaret asked. Olive chuckled.

"Don't worry...I've got it, Mom," Olive promised, as they were about to get in when a man approached them.

"Mrs. Nolan…" Sidney greeted.

"You again? Are you following me?" Margaret asked in an accusatory tone. He put his hands up and kept his distance.

"I know I might seem persistent, Mrs. Nolan...I simply just want to tell your side of the story," Sidney said.

"How did you even know where I was going to be if you're not following me?" Margaret asked defensively.

"I am an investigative reporter, Mrs. Nolan...finding out where your daughter goes to school was not difficult," he replied. That alarmed her too. He was digging into their lives and she didn't like it at all.

"Listen…I don't know what your agenda is, but I don't like it. I'm not giving you an interview and I want you to leave us alone. My sister-in-law is a cop and if you come near us again, I'll slap you with a restraining order so fast, it will make your head spin!" Margaret threatened, as she ushered Olive into the car. Mr. Glass watched, as she hurried to the driver's side and sped away.

He walked back to his car and made a call, as he drove back to his office.

"I cornered her at the school, as instructed. She reacted much in the way you said she would," Sidney reported.

"Good...slowly driving that little retch crazy is going to be entertaining, to say the least," the female voice said.

"Mrs. Mills-Blanchard...I am a reporter, not a stalker. This makes me highly uncomfortable and it could get me terminated from the newspaper," Sidney argued.

"I am paying you more than you make in five years to do this one job. You cashed a check, Mr. Glass and I expect the job to be completed, unless you'd like to face a breach of contract," Cora said in an icy tone.

"Yes, Mrs. Mills-Blanchard," he relented.

"Good...I'll be in touch for our next move," she said, as the line went dead.

#Snowing #SnowxCharming #Charming family #Henry Mills #AU #Manifest #with a Once twist #romance #family #drama #adventure #Lightning in a Bottle

[doof-doofblog]

"You Murdered Your Wife!"

Christmas Week Review

(Episodes Commencing Tuesday 22nd December 2020 - Saturday 26th December 2020!)

Hello everyone! I'm sure it's been a hot minute since I last posed, I hope you all had a brilliant week and a brilliant Christmas! This blog post is going to be a little different, there's quite a bit I've missed recently due to working over the Christmas period and also seeing family. So instead of posting a post about an individual episode, I'm going cover the whole Christmas run up and reveal in this one post! I hope it'll give me the opportunity to catch up with you and enjoy our discussions revolving around recent events.

So firstly, I'm going to start with Honey's Community Christmas Dinner! After all her hard work of bringing everyone together and putting on a fabulous Christmas dinner for the community, disaster strikes when the fridge stops working, causing all the food to be all ruined! Only of course, Jay is there to save the day, it's clear he's been swooning over her for months now and what better way to win her over than to gather together some last minute prepared food and to add the icing on the top, announce to their neighbours how much of a wonderful woman she is! During the festivities everyone is dancing in the street, whilst other locals including Denise, Jack, Bernadette and Patrick eat and drink and be merry. Also I just want to mention how hilarious Kim was, arriving drunk and throwing up through out the day and eventually getting up for a boogie with the rest of the locals. The day ended on a high when Jay and Honey were left in the kitchen cleaning everything up, only things got a bit hot when Billy caught them kissing! (We all knew it was going to happen eventually!) Elsewhere, Tina had been released on bail after being charged with Ian's attempted murder, however when a brick is thrown through the Queen Vic window, warning Ian that things are not yet over, Ian comes to believe that Tina is not behind his attack, as Gray and Shirley both vouch for Tina being at home at the time when the brick was thrown! Also, Max proposes the idea to Linda of doing a runner and leaving together for New Zealand, he claims that he fully believed Linda attacked Ian and reveals that he got rid of the murder weapon, thinking he was doing it to save Linda! Only when Linda announces that she's not responsible for Ian's attack, he worries that if the police find out about the Lucy Beale Award, he could be sent down for a crime he didn't do!! He's convinced that Linda loves him as much as he loves her, he tries to persuade her, mentioning that Mick doesn't show her any form of love or intimacy anymore!

--

After witnessing Honey and Jay locking lips, Billy is clearly devastated, he feels betrayed that the boy he brought up as his own and his ex-wife have been intimate behind his back. He's completely and utterly heartbroken that they could've done this to him! They catch up with him and promise that their kiss never meant anything! Even though by the looks in their faces, deep down you can tell they both have feelings towards one another. They give their word to Billy that it was a terrible mistake and it'll never happen again, to which he responds that if it ever does, both Jay and Honey will be dead to him! I do doubt though however that Jay and Honey will struggle to be away from each other. In other parts of Walford, things are looking bad for Tina, after her conversation with Shirley, she's shocked when he sister offers her some money and proposes that she does a runner, this leaves Tina feeling shocked, admitting that if she ran it'll make her look guilty. But Shirley is convinced with the amount of evidence building against her, she may have no other option but to run, as she's scared for her sister. Devastated that her sister doesn't believe her, later Tina turns to her brother, Mick. Surprisingly, Mick apologises to his sister for speaking to her in such an awful way previously, he suggests that she doesn't run and that she faces it head on, and he promises to be by her side when she does. Can I just mention what an absolutely amazing scene that was between Mick and Linda! After Max being found in his flat, Mick reveals that he's already aware about his wife's infidelity. Only when Linda arrives, she begs Max to leave whilst she tries to talk to her husband. This scene was absolutely brilliant, amazing performances by Danny Dyer and Kellie Bright! After trying to explain to her husband about her actions, she pleads to him to fight for her, she is literally crying and pleading to him to show her that he cares for her, even in just the smallest way! But when Mick says that if Max makes her happy, he won't stand in her way, she can't seem to believe the words she's hearing and slaps her husband around the face, just to get a response, even taking it a step further by threatening to have an alcoholic drink! When she desperately asks him "Why won't you fight for me?!" - he simply replies with "I have no fight left!" - This is absolutely devastating for the couple, for a split moment when Mick got up from his seat, I thought he was going to let rip, fling a chair over the room or something - but there was simply nothing! After realising that her marriage isn't going to be fought for, Linda heads back to Max, when he reveals he has actually fallen in love with her, she admits that she still loves her husband but it looks as if their marriage could well and truly be over. Elsewhere, Ian tries his absolute best to apologise to his sons, his intention is to apologise to everyone he's wronged in an attempt for all the death threats to stop, starting with Peter and Bobby. After he makes an emotional, pleading speech to his sons, they invite him to attend the community event later in the evening, Ian is more than pleased and thankful to have been able to rekindle his relationship with his sons. During the event, everyone is gathered at the Square, watching a slideshow of neighbours and friends they've lost over the previous years, whilst a beautiful choir sings Silent Night. Images of our favourite characters including Peggy, Abi, Chantelle, Pauline, Pat, Dot and Ethel are shown to the community, everyone is reminiscing and sharing happy tears as they share memories of loved ones, even Phil and Karen attend as their loved one's images pop up. Only everyone is in pure shock, none more than Ian, when an image of him appears saying "R.I.P Ian Beale!" Honey states that no one put that image in the slideshow, suddenly Ian becomes aware of everyone around him and realises that the person who attacked him is close. I loved this moment when as the choir carried on singing, every single suspect, slowly looked over to Ian to see his reaction - Bobby, Ben, Kheerat, Suki, Peter, Phil - it is absolutely mesmerising, fantastic editing and camera work! Absolutely loved it!

--

And then we come to the banger, THE BIG ONE! The Christmas Day episode!! Wow, wow, wow! Another jam packed one right?! There are 3 or 4 main things I want to cover in this one! First one being the big return of Lucas Johnson and his daughter Chelsea!!! This has been such a long time coming and what an epic return it was!!! I do feel sorry for Denise however, as obviously her plans for a traditional Christmas did not go to plan. Even though she took Raymond to his church, she was left absolutely stunned and shook with fear as Lucas appeared (once again) as a supposed changed man!! But what shocked her Christmas Day even more was learning that her daughter, Chelsea, had been seeing him, spending time with him and had been doing so for a few months behind her Mother's back. This deeply saddened Denise, and it understandably made the whole family on edge as they heard the news about Lucas returning! Even Patrick took it upon himself to confront the murderer. We can absolutely see instantly that Lucas hasn't changed his ways, clasping his fist whilst being confronted by Patrick, and then also approaching Ruby as she walks along the Square, alone! I know it's way too early to say, but has Lucas already spotted his next victim?! 

The next thing I want to mention is the Slater's - it looks as if it's a happy Christmas for the Slater family, even though Kat has her concerns that it could be Kush's last Christmas, they take full pleasure in enjoying presents, food and drinks! Even though Martin and Ruby plan to spend their first Christmas at home as a newly-married couple, they get dragged into spending their day with the Slater's. Before Ruby arrives at the household, Martin has already given out his presents and it turns out the one he gave to Stacey is a beautiful sparkling watch, as she's overwhelmed by the gift, we can see absolutely clearly that that gift wasn't in fact intended for her, however it's only later on after having drinks in the Vic with the family, poor Stacey gets completely the wrong end of the stick and kisses her ex-husband, informing him that she still feels the same way about him and they could work things out, only for him to sadly drop the bombshell that he accidentally mixed up the presents and in fact the watch was meant for Ruby and the keyring Ruby opened was for Stacey. However, the one thing that none of the Slaters are aware of, is that privately after buying herself a gorgeous new dress, Jean devastatingly finds a new lump. Does this mean that her cancer could've come back? What an absolutely heart-breaking thing to find out on Christmas! 

Following the devastating blow between Mick and Linda on Christmas Eve, Mick decides that they shouldn't pretend anymore and have Ollie separately on Christmas Day. This clearly upsets Linda as Mick walks away with his son. Much to Shirley's surprise, Tina has invited Mick and his son over to Gray's for Christmas dinner, Shirley is absolutely over the moon when she sees her son and Grandson appear on the doorstep. When everyone is sat around at the table, Tina and Shirley voice their thanks to Gray as he carves the Christmas turkey. Tina happily passes a gift to Mick which is revealed to be a picture of him, Katy and Tina as kids - this seems to really spook Mick but he thanks his baby sister all the same, however Shirley can see that her son isn't looking right, she urges for them to inform her what's the problem. Only instead of informing her about Katy, Mick informs her about Linda having an affair with Max. Furious, Shirley takes it upon herself to confront her daughter-in-law and is stunned when Mick follows announcing that she doesn't mean anything to him anymore. These words look as if they really hurt Linda, to her, it seems that her marriage has completely come to an end, she turns to Max and mentions that she could consider going away with him to New Zealand. 

Later on in the evening, after having altercations with Gray through-out the day, Tina decides to make it up to him and clear the dinner table and put all the cutlery away in the dishwasher, however in the most creepiest way, Gray informs her that she's put the cutlery in the wrong way, that the knives should in fact go blade-up! He watches her and it almost looks as if he's imagining doing to her what he did to Chantelle! I do fear for Tina, could she find out his secret and be his next victim? 

And Oh my god!!! The big one, the big reveal we've been waiting for! Early on in the episode, we can see that Ian is still completely on edge of countless death threats, he looks out of the Queen Vic window and sees his brother, Ben, playing with his daughter Lexi. Ben notices and makes a gun motion with his fingers towards his brother. Instantly this plays on Ian's mind and eventually he confronts him in the middle of the Square, when suddenly the police turn up and it looks as if they're hear to collect Ben, however much to everyone's surprise, they're actually there for Peter after it's revealed his DNA was found. To Ian's surprise he asks his son "Why?" to which he responds with "I enjoyed watching you squirm!". Earlier in the episode Sharon announces to her new husband that she's going to visit Denny's grave, during their drive up to the cemetery, Ian is talking about nothing but himself and how Peter could betray him. She doesn't look a bit interested in her husband's rant and in forms him to go back to the pub. Ian does as he's told and whilst Sharon stands by her boy's gravestone, she makes a call to Phil. At first we have no idea why she's calling him, but eventually it all comes clear - when he eventually makes it to the cemetery, she informs him that she wants Ian dead today!!! WHAT DID I SAY FROM THE BEGINNING?! I KNEW SHARON WAS BEHIND IAN'S ATTACK!!! It turns out that for months they've been waiting on hearing Dennis's voicemail and it looks as if the blonde vixen is out for revenge and justice for her son! A flashback shows us that it was actually Phil who attacked Ian that night but before he could finish the job, he was interrupted by Peter spray-painting on the doors and made his escape. It looks as if Ben missed his Dad by seconds as he walks over Ian's motionless body and voices that he had it coming! It looks as if Phil and Sharon had been planning this for months possibly, however when she informs Phil to go back and finish the job today, when Phil gets to the pub he finds Ben standing over Ian with a baseball bat and he comes to realise that he can't go through with it. If Ian's blood gets on his hands, it'll come back to his family - annoying as Ian is, he can't kill a member of his family, especially when it's his son's brother. When Sharon comes home to see that Ian is still alive, she confronts Phil and is devastated when he announces that he wants out of their plan to kill Ian, he voices that she's grieving and needs professional help to come to terms with her grief. But instead, Sharon calls him a coward and informs him she'll do it herself. As everyone goes home and everyone is with their families, Sharon is seen in the Queen Vic kitchen, crushing small pills, she melts them with a blowtorch, places them into a Christmas Pudding and serves them to Ian! After all the suspects that were listed, I had a VERY big feeling that Sharon would be the one behind Ian's attack! As much as I'd love to know how she got hold of the voicemail from Denny, I am certainly looking forward to seeing when Ian realises it's his new wife who's trying to kill him! Another fantastic Christmas episode!

--

Finally coming to the final episode of this week, Boxing Day! Oh my goodness, this one had me on the edge of my seat and shaking!!! I'm sure you're all aware of what's got me shaking to the core!! That will be the thing I focus on last! Firstly, I'm going to focus on Sharon and Ian. After the previous day, Phil and Sharon bump into each other outside of the Vic, neither of them say a word to each other as they both have a silent knowledge of what's going on, it looks as if Phil is questioning her with his eyes, only his question is answered when Ian appears from the top bedroom window, shouting down to his wife. With the comfort of knowing that Sharon hasn't gone through with her plan, Phil walks way. Only little does he know that she's actually poisoning him! Later on in the episode, Sharon convinces Ian to show his face and step outside, even though he is reluctant to do so, and it just so happens that the first people he sees are his Mum and his son, Peter. Peter reveals to him that he's been released by police with no charges, leaving everyone completely by surprise. So that puts Peter out of the frame! 

Meanwhile, after Denise's huge shock at seeing Lucas the previous day, she and Kim take Raymond to the park for a kick about for a bit of space. Innocently, Ruby approaches the little boy and compliments his Christmas jumper, but it seems as if recent events have spooked Denise, as she calls the little boy to stay close to her. As she walks away with the little boy, it looks as if Ruby is feeling an emotion that she's never felt before. Later on when she and Martin meet up at the Vic, he apologies for the way they spent their first Christmas. However, something even more interesting is on Ruby's mind, she questions her husband whether he has the feeling that something in his life is missing, but when he simply can't think of anything and announces he has everything he wants, she drops the bombshell that she wants them to have a child of their own.

So the last and big section I need to talk about involves Gray and all members of the Carter family! The first thing I'll mention is the brief scene between Linda and Mick, as it comes to dawn on them that their marriage is coming to an end, Linda reveals to her husband that they should discuss new arrangements when it comes to Ollie, when each of them get to see him etc. Deep down you can see it's visibly hurting both of them that it's come to this, but what else are they supposed to do? Mick won't talk and Linda truly believes that her husband has lost complete interest and doesn't want her anymore. As Linda leaves with Ollie, Mick feels like he needs someone, of course his first person to contact is Katy. When she eventually returns to the Square, once again she starts to manipulate Mick, trying to convince him that moving away would be the best thing for him, pointing out that his marriage to Linda is over, what is keeping him in Walford? The fact that he does actually still love his wife and his family and his little boy!! Meanwhile whilst all this is happening with Mick, Gray is reeling after Tina let it slip in front of his children that Chantelle was planning on leaving him. This has left him out for revenge on Tina! Even Mitch has started questioning whether what Tina has said is true, which is clearly going to rattle Gray's cage, he points the blame straight onto Tina for his children not wanting to see him, to which she repeatedly apologises for. However, he seems to think that she has completely crossed the line. When he bumps into the Detective who's working the case of the attack on Ian, he reveals that Peter has been released without charge and also the witness they gave wasn't reliable and that Tina's case probably won't make it to court. Gray goes back and completely twists his words and informs Tina that she has to leave the Square today as the evidence against her is building and building! To their absolute shock, both Shirley and Tina begin to panic, Mick hears the commotion and questions what's happening, as Gray reveals that the police could be coming for Tina at any moment and she needs to leave quick, he proposes that he leaves the Square with her. Taking Katy's advice, he seems to realise that this could be his way out of Walford! Shirley is in absolute tears as she comes to the realisation that both her sister and her son could be leaving so suddenly. As Mick hurries home to grab his belongings, Tina informs Gray that she'll forever be thankful to him and will find a way to repay him, as he begins to make plans in booking a plane flight for them. Before Tina goes to grab her belongings, Shirley stops to give her a late Christmas present - which I have a huge feeling could be VERY important - a golden chain with her name on, Tina is weepy as she thanks her sister and tells her she'll miss her. As Shirley bids her sister farewell, I have a devastating, horrible feeling that this may be the last time Shirley will see Tina alive?! Later on as Tina rushes to grab her last few items from the shop, she bumps into the Detective and states that the witness they have for her is a liar, however he drops the bombshell about her witness being unreliable and that Gray should've told her, it becomes clear to Tina that Gray has been lying to her. As she arrives back at the house, Gray is finishing packing her things, it appears to be just the two of them in the house. Everything comes crystal clear to Tina that Gray wants her out of his house and out of Walford - I thought this was such an epic, gripping scene! I was fearing for Tina the entire time!! She confronts him about his lies and even comes to the realisation that the way he's treated her is exactly the way he treated Chantelle. Gray is absolutely stunned to realise that she is on to him and she has come to know the truth about how his wife died, she threatens him that she's been watching him and she knows exactly the type of person he his! But as soon as she mentions Chantelle, about the way he treated her and abused her, you can see Gray getting angrier and angrier, denying all allegations that Tina is throwing at him! I did feel that Tina was so brave to stand up to him, but I am fearing that this could be the last time we see Tina alive? She says those very important words - "You killed her! You murdered your wife!" and you can see it clear as day that Gray knows he's going to have to get rid of her before she reveals his secret.

I have to be honest but this episode has fantastic performances from Toby-Alexander Smith and Luisa Bradshaw-White! Are you guys fearing for Tina as much as I am?! I do feel that the gold chain with Tina's name on is going to be very significant! Will Gray murder Tina, get rid of her body and convince Shirley that Tina has actually fled, without Mick and left her chain behind?! Who knows? Either way, I don't know how Tina is going to escape the wrath of Gray now she's aware of his secret. What do you guys think? Did you enjoy the Christmas episodes as much as I did? I'd love to hear your thoughts! Thank you for reading, I apologise it's taken so long, but I hope you enjoy this post as much as I've enjoying writing! I'll be back tomorrow following tomorrow's episode - what will happen to Tina?! Love you all xXx

#eastenders #christmasweek #christmasreview #honeymitchell #jaybrown #billymitchell #karentaylor #denisefox #kimfox #lucasjohnson #lindacarter #maxbranning #mickcarter #ianbeale #sharonbeale #benmitchell #philmitchell #tinacarter #shirleycarter #katylewis #chelseafox #grayatkins #peterbeale #staceyslater #jeanslater #martinfowler #rubyfowler #kathybeale #patricktrueman

[alexthepartyman]

Fine Line

Chapter Six: I’m hopeless, I’m broken.

“Yeah?” Uncle Jason asks as Penelope comes in. 

“Thank you for the flowers. I know I can be challenging, but your work is appreciated. J. Gideon. I appreciate the appreciation.” I look to Jason with confusion. He didn’t get her those flowers...what? Who’s posing as Jason? “And btw, you’re not challenging. Well, no, you’re totally challenging, but you’re not challenging at all in a bad way. Sir.” She turns around and looks at the framed photos. “Hey, is this your family?”

“Yeah. Sort of.” 

“Nice. Hi, Jamie. How are you doing? You finally got off your crutches?”

“Working on it.” 

“Thanks again for the flowers. Hey.”

“Hey…”

“What the hell does btw mean?”

“By the way. Internet shorthand.” 

“You sent Garcia flowers?”

“No. You need something?”

“Missing child in Wilmington, Delaware.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Eleven year old Billie Copeland was last seen on the playground at four-thirty yesterday afternoon.”

“Isn’t there a thing that says we get notified immediately? Why wasn’t this reported sooner?” I ask.

“Yes, the Child Abduction Response Plan. What happened?”

“Well, there was reason to believe she was with her father. Her cell phone shows a call to him around the time of her disappearance.” 

“So they’ve since ruled him out?”

“He called the mother about an hour ago,” JJ answers. 

“That doesn’t mean he isn’t involved.” 

“He’s on his way to the family home, so you can talk to him there. The local police are now considering this a stranger abduction.” 

“Twenty hours later?”

“Long term stranger abductions of children Billie’s age are rare. They represent only half of one percent of all missing cases per year. But they are usually more likely to be fatal. Of the children that are abducted and murdered, forty-four percent die within the first hour. From that point forward, their odds of survival greatly decrease. Seventy-five percent are gone after three hours. Virtually all of them are dead after twenty-four.” 

“We’ve got four hours, then.” 

“Shall we go?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“She’s been missing twenty-one hours.” 

“You should have let Derek drive, we’d have gotten here in fifteen minutes,” I remark. 

“We’re gonna go meet with the lead detective at the park where the girl was last seen.” Aaron drives away.

“We need to know everything that’s being done,” Jason says.

“I’ll find out what the press is running, see if I know any of them. We may need to manage what they put out. Jamie, be careful to stay away from the media, they’ll have a field day if they find out about you.” 

“Good. See what the uniforms know from the canvasses. Elle, I need you to be a liaison with the family.” 

“A liaison?”

“In a child abduction, the parents are likely to break down if we aren’t careful.” I move alongside them towards the house. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“We’re looking for a male in his mid to late thirties who drives a late-model green SUV. If anybody has seen anything suspicious, we have a hotline set up at the Wilmington Police Department. Billie Copeland is an eleven year old girl. The last time she was seen, she was in a blue track suit and a blue soccer uniform.” 

Mrs Copeland sniffs, turning off the TV. “They’ve been running that over and over again for the past two hours,” she says. 

“They just want to help find her, and running it over and over again, it may get to somebody who wasn’t watching before, somebody who might know something,” I explain, letting my arm shake. 

“The press wants to talk to me. I just...I don’t think I can face it.” 

“It’s best you follow our guidance.” 

“Why don’t you just tell us what happened?” Elle asks. 

“Um...I was focused on practice, and...Billie was...being a pain, as usual, she was giving me attitude. So I told her to run it off. I sent her away.” 

“That’s not your fault. There’s no way you could have known. Focusing on what we can’t control...that’s only going to make you feel worse. What’s done was done.” 

“How long have you been divorced?” Elle asks.

“Um...it’s been final for six months, but we haven’t lived together in over a year.” 

“Are you seeing anyone?”

She laughs, “Between work and Billie, when would I have the time?”

“Not one date? Any men coming over to the house?”

“I-I had a few casual dates after work, but they never came to the house. Billie still hopes that her father and I will get back together.” 

“How did Billie’s dog die, Mrs Copeland?” Uncle Jason asks.

“Uh...it was hit by a car two weeks ago. How did you know that?”

“Shrine in the room. Helps her grieve?”

“Her father did that for her.”

“They get along well?”

“Best of friends. She calls him every night, tells him about her day, asks about his. He’s a cancer survivor, so he takes time off from work, pulls her out of school for father/daughter field trips. Says we all need to stop and enjoy life. But he forgets that he has responsibilities, they both do, which makes me the bad guy. And she blames me for the divorce. Blames me for everything...I shoulld have just let her go with her father. I’m sorry.” She gets up off the couch and storms away from us.

“She’s pretty fragile.” 

“The last thing she did was fight with her daughter. Can you imagine what that feels like?”

“Pretty terrible. Lost Jamie once, I had to rescue him.” 

“I thought that was Eddie.” 

“He was there.” 

“Elle, I was seven,” I tell her. Tires screech from outside. 

“Mr Copeland’s here.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I have been calling you all night!”

“I’m sorry, Marilyn, I turned my phone off.” 

“How could you turn your phone off? What if Billie got sick or…we needed you.” 

“I said I was sorry!” Mr Copeland walks back to us in frustration. “What’s being done to find my daughter?”

“We’re assessing that right now.”

“She’s been missing since yesterday! What the hell have you people been doing since then?!” 

“Where have you been, Mr Copeland?” I ask.

“Me?”

“Where were you all day and all night?”

“I have a cabin in Brandywine Valley.”

“Police tried you there.” 

“Well, maybe I was out at the time.” 

“Bille tried your cell phone yesterday afternoon.”

“Well, I shut it off sometimes. I like the solitude.” 

“You didn’t fight your wife for custody of your daughter,” Jason adds. “But you...you like being in her life.” 

“I want her to grow up in her home with her friends around. This is the only place she’s ever lived.” 

“So you love her very much.”

“Yes.”

“Why do you waste any precious time we have left? You weren’t at your cabin. You weren’t at work or with friends. Police didn’t call us until a little while ago because they though your daughter might have been with you?” I look to Mr Copeland, whose face screams disbelief. “That you might have taken your daughter. Until you can give us a satisfactory accounting of your whereabouts from the time your daughter went missing until -” Jason gets up and puts his face in his hands. “Would you help me understand why a devoted father who talks to his daughter every night suddenly turns off his phone, disappears for almost twenty-four hours?” 

“I was...busy.”

“Not good enough,” I remark.

“It’s one thirty. You called your wife at eleven thirty, found out Billie was missing.”

“So?”

“Well, Brandywine Valley’s fifteen minutes away. Where were you, Mr Copeland?”

“I…I was at Sloane Kettering Hospital. In New York City. Dr Baylan Mahal is the head of oncology. You can call him if you want.”

“I will.”

“How long?” I ask.

“What?”

“How long do you have?” I ask. “It’s an inference. You mentioned oncology...only viable answer, your cancer came back.” 

“It’s in my lymph nodes now. You wouldn’t know what those are.”

“Immune system glands. Mine are messed up, too. Can they do anything more?” I take a seat in front of him, on the ottoman. 

“No. Please, find my daughter. Find my daughter.”

“Of course.” He puts his head in his hands and cries. 

“Call Sloane Kettering.” 

I look back as Jason leaves, Elle stands, and I extend a hand out to hold Mr Copeland’s shoulder. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You took all the police off the street?”

“We believe your daughter was abducted by someone in the area, and that she’s probably still nearby.”

“Then shouldn’t you be flooding the area with cops, knocking on doors?”

“It’s not that simple.”

“Yes, it is.” Mr Copeland pops his medication, and I pop mine, too.

“Youre taking the meds again.”

“Look...what exactly are you people doing to help get my daughter back?”

“You’re sick again, aren’t you?”

“We want you to meet with the press...both of you.”

“Elle…” 

“Press conference. That’s what you have? You just said you’re already taking the press that’s running off the air.”

“I know. But this will be different. Trust us, Mr Copeland.” The doorbell rings. 

“I’ll get it. Just tell Marilyn what you need us to do.” Elle sticks her hand out towards me, jarring me from gettin up and following him. 

“That was his second remission.” 

“I’m sorry.”

“Billie won’t even talk to me anymore. How am I gonna tell her that her father’s sick again?”

“One thing at a time, Mrs Copeland. Once we find your daughter, you’ll figure it out.”

“Can I help you?” 

“Mr Copeland, I’m Helen Godfrey from a few blocks away. I have printouts of all the sex offenders in the area. I think if you just...look at any of these…”

“What the hell?” Elle asks, heading out of the house. I get up and grab my crutches to see Mr Copeland running to his car with a paper in his hand. “Mr Copeland?” 

“I’m really sorry,” I quickly apologise, walking out the front door.

“Mr Copeland!” Tires screech as the yellow truck pulls out of the driveway and heads off. 

“There are sex offenders in the area. I thought he should know.”

“Stupid,” Elle remarks, ripping her phone open. 

“Ma’am, I’d highly recommend leaving that to law enforcement,” I quickly advise, following after Elle. 

“Hotch, we have a problem.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Mr Jones isn’t interested in pressing charges,” Aaron says. 

“Am I supposed to be grateful? The bastard’s a pedophile.”

“Not all sex offenders are pedophiles,” I cut it. 

“Did you check up on him? Did you ever search his house>” 

“He solicited a prostitute. Nothing with kids.” 

“But he’s registered on-”

“Mr Copeland, please. There are at least a million different ways to get on that list.”

“That’s why accessing that type of information is supposed to be left up to law enforcement.” 

“We understand your frustration and your anger, but you’re jeopardising our efforts to save your daughter’s life. Every minute spent chasing you is time we’re not spending on Billie. So either get control of yourself and follow our directions or stay out of our way.” 

“What would you like us to do?”

“Make a public appeal for information regarding a witness driving a dark green SUV.”

“Isn’t he supposed to be the suspect?”

“Yes. But when people hear suspect, they can’t see the guy next door as a monster. They can’t imagine their neighbour doing something like that, because that’s not how they know them. If they’re a witness, they might be a hero.”

“Okay, but what if he thinks it’s a trick? What if he panics or thinks or it’s too risky, and then he-”

“You’re not just speaking to him. You’re talking to his neighbours, as well. Anyone who knows him.”

“We’ve done everything we can to relieve the pressure on this man. We’ve taken the cops off the street. You won’t have any standing with you on the dais. Only a local minister.”

“Hearing he isn’t a suspect might calm him down as well,” Aaron adds. “Right now he’s under enormous stress. And we need him to believe, even if it’s just for a little while, that we’re way off the mark, that we’re not close to arresting him.”

“Are you? Close to arresting him?”

“We need the public’s help.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“If you keep looking at me like that, they’ll definitely notice,” I scold Derek. 

“I’m not too sure you should be off your crutches.” 

“How am I gonna be able to walk without them if I don’t try? Besides, it’s not like I’m going that far.” 

“Okay, come on.”

“Here they come.”

“Would you close the door? Thank you,” I hear JJ say from the stage. “Okay, can I have everyon’s attention? Please, if you could just take your seats...the Copeland family is here to make an appeal. As you all know, their eleven year old daughter Billie is missing. So if ou could just have a little compassion and patience. Mr Copeland.” I poke my head around the corner to watch the scene unfold with my own eyes. Mr Copeland sets up to the podium with his wife and the minister.

“Yesterday…” he clears his throat. I gently nod. “Yesterday, at approximately three pm, my daughter...our daughter…” The minster holds her hand. “Belinda Copeland. Billie. Went missing from the recreation center. We are looking for a man, a witness, in a green SUV. There have been some reports that he is a suspect, but that was a mistake. He’s not suspected of anything. We would like this man to come forward and tell us what he knows. We need your help. He may not even understand how important what he saw is. So anyone with information about this individual or his green SUV, please call the tip hotline. Thank you.” I smile up at him and give him a thumbs up. 

“Mr Copeland! Mr Copeland!” 

“We’d like Billie to come home now. It’ll be dark soon. Thank you.” 

“So the body located by police earlier today is not Billie’s?” My heart sinks to the floor, rage filling me, hot and deep. What the fuck? There was a body? There was a body? How did he even find out?! 

“What?” 

“The female body -”

“There’ll be no more questions. Thank you.” 

“What body?” 

“This press conference is over. Let’s discuss this outside.” I dart along the walls and find myself at the door out of the room, ripping it open for the couple to walk through. 

“What body?” 

“Come on, Mr Copeland. There’ll be no more questions. That’ll be all for now.” I look towards the cameras and the reporters. 

“Press conference is over,” JJ repeats. 

“Mr Copeland!” 

“What about Billie?” I look at the flashing photo lights and blink, closing the door behind the minister, and JJ goes up to one of the reporters. 

“Is that your idea of compassion?”

“I only asked a question. You’re the ones who didn’t tell the parents-”

“Because we weren’t sure. Raising and destroying hopes with inconclusive information is dangerous,” I cut in. 

“James.” I groan at JJ. “A positive identification hasn’t been made. Asking them about that was out of line, Hal.” She shuts up and drags me out. 

“Is there a body?!” 

“Please just come with me,” Elle begs. 

“Tell me right now, did you find a body?” 

“Mrs Copeland-”

“Did you find Billie? Is my daughter dead?” She asks. I reach up and let her lean on me. 

“A body was discovered,” Aaron answers.”

“It’s not Billie. The body that was found was much older, looked like it had been there for days. Looks like maybe a junkie or an overdose.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, I saw the body myself. It’s not your daughter.” 

“My god, I can’t...I can’t…” 

“Please, just come with me right now,” Elle says, leading Mrs Copeland away as she cries. Mr Copeland follows them. 

“What the hell was that all about?”

“A reporter asked them about the body.” 

“Probably heard it on the scanner.” 

“I should have prepared them for that.” 

“We don’t have anything to tell them yet,” Jason argues. 

“Billie’s running out of time.”

“And so are the parents.” 

“Come on. A little hope, huh? We’ll make it, we’ll make it.”

“James, you’re not allowed to go up to reporters.” JJ scolds me as we follow Jason out.

“JJ, it’s fine, it’s fine, it’s fine.”

“No, it’s not. We have to be careful what we tell the media, or else we could get Billie killed.” 

“I know, JJ.”

“We haven’t even properly discussed what’s going to happen if they catch wind of who you are-”

“Minor consultant, working under SSA Jason Gideon of the Behavioural Analysis Unit, Federal Bureau of Investigation. Tell them that.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“How’s it going?”

“The unsub’s in here somewhere.”

“If you can’t find sex offenders with green suvs, try anybody with green suvs.” 

“You gotta bet that the police talked to them in their initial canvass.” 

“Maybe not. Our unsub is a solitary individual. He isn’t the type of guy to insert himself into an investigation. Wouldn’t it make more sense that he wouldn’t have answered the door during the initial canvass?” 

“Neighbourhood was crawling with cops, canine units, search and rescues. Make him nervous and jumpy, he’d want to avoid them at all costs.” 

“Yeah, you could easily just pretend you aren’t home,” I add. 

“So then he couldn’t allow anyone into his home to ask routine questions, even if the girl was bound or gagged because it’d be too risky.”

“It’s next to impossible to control breathing, speech patterns, body language when the body’s under extreme duress. Maybe if we compare hotline tips with anyone who wasn’t at home during the initial canvass.” 

“Or didn’t answer the door.” 

“We’ll find our unsub.” 

“Let’s get to it. Jamie, here you go,” Aaron hands me a pile of files from Spencer’s work area. “Green SUVs, in the area.” 

“Got it.” 

“Sergeant.”

“Yeah?”

“Here’s what we need. Everything that come in here…”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Yeah. It was worth a try. That’s right. Thank you.” Derek hangs up the phone. “Nothing.” 

“Agent Morgan?”

“Yeah?” 

“This the kind of thing you’re looking for?” 

“What is it?” I ask, pushing the chair out to get up. 

“Uh-uh. Crutches.” Derek scolds me, and I groan and set them up. “Reid.”

“A Mr Lomax has a neighbour with a green SUV, but he hasn’t seen him all day. Says that’s unusual. Thought he might have been out of town, but now he sees some lights on over there.” 

“1106 Springfield. Where’s our canvass sheets?” I grab them from a nearby table. “1106.”

“1100 block. 1106...no answer.”

“Let’s go talk with Mr Lomax. Nice call.” 

“Thanks. Good luck.” I look up at Spencer as we head out. 

“I am definitely not using these come Tuesday.”

“Tuesday? Why then?” Spencer asks.

“That’s when school starts up again, and I’m headed back on A/B weeks for the month.” 

“You should use your crutches for as long as you’ve been told to. You know, the correct way of getting off of your crutches is to go to physical and occupational therapy.” 

“Oh, come on. These things are annoying! I’ve been going since it happened!”

“Actually, it’s been one month and twenty days since your accident, and you started going to physical and occupational therapy a week after it, so you’ve been going for one month and thirteen days.” 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Mr Lomax?” Derek asks as we approach a man aggressively raking leaves in his yard. “Agent Morgan. Agent Reid. James Rossi. FBI.” The two men beside me pull out their badges, and I pull out mine that granted me access to the buildings. 

“Holy smokes, that was fast!”

“Did you call in a tip about your neighbour, Don Curtis?”

“Lives down the street. I saw the news thing, you know?”

“Yep. Green SUV?” I ask, spotting the car.

“Yeah. I was thinking...Don drives a dark green explorer, and he’s at the park all the time. I figured, like they said on the television, maybe he knows something but he doesn’t know that he knows it.” Or he’s our unsub, and he definitely knows he is. “Know what I mean?”

“Yeah, we do.” I look back towards the man. “Where’s his explorer now?”

“It’s usually in the driveway, but I haven’t seen it today. Haven’t seen Don either, which is kind of weird. We’re always out front talking about the lawns. He never has any crab grass.” I don’t know what that is, so. “I don’t know how he does it.” 

“Do you know if he has a dog?”

“Used to. A big golden retriever. Her name was Candy. I think she died like six months ago.” 

“Thanks, Mr Lomax,” I say, as we turn to walk away. 

“Yeah, Hotch. Morgan. Better get over here right now.” I swing myself forward, starting the walk down to the house. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Third house down on the right. We knocked on the door, but nobody’s answering.” 

“His neighbour said he’s definitely there.” 

“He’s got a green ford explorer in the garage.”

“Break down the door,” Jason suggests.

“No. We don’t have probable cause.” 

“You don’t think owning a vehicle that was used to kidnap a child is probable cause enough?” I ask the detective. “He’s got a green SUV, dog that died recently, spends time at the park.” 

“Pretending he’s not home.”

“None of which are illegal. No judge is going to sign a warrant based on that information.” 

“You’re weighing the life of a child against the price of a door?”

“I’m weighing the law against the price of a door.” 

“The girl’s in the house right now. The longer we stand here and wait, the longer he has to finish her off.” 

“I’ll call a judge. If we go in there without a warrant, all that evidence will get thrown-”

“No time!” I yell, bouncing up and down.

“We’re aware of the rules of evidence. What do you propose that we do?” 

“JASON!” I yell, throwing my crcutches off and running after the old man as he dashes to the house. 

“JAMIE!” 

“Gideon! Gideon, wait a minute!” Derek yells. “Gideon, Gideon, you need -” He gets cut off by the sound of glass, Jason hits the window with a potted plant, shattering it and climbing through the window. 

“FEDERAL AGENTS, FBI!” Derek shouts, kicking the door open and wielding his gun. I follow after everyone else, dashing down the hall after Jason, but stopping before rounding a corner. I pop my head out, spotting the open door at the end of the hall. Jason heads towards it, and I pull my pocketknife out of my bag and unfold it, preparing myself to attack. Derek rounds the corner with his gun in front. I pull back as Jason screams, a man walking out of one of the rooms. 

“Where is she?” 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I hear a gun cocking.

“Where’s Billie Copeland?” 

“Please don’t hurt me.” 

“Gideon…”

“Please! Please put the gun down.” 

“Gideon!”

“Get him out of here!” 

“Let’s go. Let’s go.”

“TEAR THE PLACE APART!”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Just as we expected, he has an extensive collective of deviant photos and cartoon downloads.”

“Partitioned in separate folders?”

“Yep.” 

“Access the internet history. Identify any pornographic sites, shut them down.” 

“We’re uploading to Garcia as we speak.” 

“What is this? Is it all porn?”

“It’s a lot of home movies with a bunch of kids in it. This one, you need to see it.” I keep my head down as the tape starts to play. 

“Ssssshh. Remember what I’ll do if you tell.” I shiver at the sound of the voice. 

“Gideon, we searched the entire house. Upstairs, downstairs. Everywhere. There’s no sign of the girl or that she’s even been here. It is possible that he moved her. Polly Klaas was found twenty-five miles from home. Danielle Van Damme, thirty, Samantha Runnion, fifty-two. But keep in mind...we were twenty hours late getting involved.”

“Man doesn’t take chances. He wouldn’t drive around with a girl in the car. He took her, got her off the street as quickly as possible. Just keep looking. Jamie, details.”

“I’m on it.” 

“You know, it’d be helpful if I knew exactly what to look for,” I comment. “We just have kiddie porn, and that can put him away for something...but it doesn’t help us find Billie.” 

“I know. Details, what does he mean by that?”

“Survey everything. Point out anything that catches my attention. Hey, is there, like an attic or a basement?”

“There’d be a door somewhere, or stairs.”

“Sometimes there isn’t. I remember being in a house...you got to the basement through a hole in the closet floor. You wouldn’t know it was there, it was covered up. I’m gonna get Jason.” 

“What kind of house has that?” Spencer asks.

“I don’t know. You know what he’s talking about?”

I walk down the hallway and head into the living room, where Jason is pulling something out of a broom. “What’s that?”

“Insulation. What did you need?”

“I was thinking...is there a basement or an attic? Sometimes, there will be patches in the floor or the ceiling, and when you take out the patches, there’s the entrance.” I explain. “Didn’t he have insulation on him? Access point might be in a bedroom or in the hallway.” 

“The hallway. Jamie, there’s a vent.” I turn around and head back the way I came, stopping under a vent in the ceiling with poofy stuff hanging from it. 

“You mean this thing?” I ask. 

“Yeah. That thing. Hotch, get me up there.” 

“Here, take my crutches, I can get up there. Jason, help me.” I take off my crutches, letting them clank on the wooden floor under us and jump into Jason’s arms, opening the vent and hoisting myself up from there. “Jesus Christ, I’m heavy.” 

“You’re just out of shape. Alright, thanks, Hotch. Jamie’s already up there. Jamie, look for Billie.” I nod, crawling away from the hole and looking around, spotting a girl with a bright pink arm cast. “She’s here.” I crawl towards her, unwrapping the tape from aronud her mouth. “Sssh. It’s okay, it’s okay. I’m Jamie. We’re gonna take you back to your parents. You’re safe now. Is your arm hurting?” I ask. 

“I wanna go home.”

“I know.”

“Hey, Billie. My name’s Jason. Jamie and I are gonna take you home.” 

“Can she get to a doctor afterwards to check on her arm?” I ask. 

“Yeah, maybe. Your mommy and daddy are very worried about you.” 

“I wanna go home,” she pants. 

“Let’s go see your mom and dad, huh?” Jason undos the rest of her bindings takes her in her arms. “Oh, I forgot. I took this for luck.” He gives her something. “Let’s bring it back to where it belongs, okay? Let’s go see your mommy and daddy. Jamie, go down after her. Hotch! Here she comes. Here you go, sweetie. Watch your arm.”

“Thanks, for not getting mad at me.” I say as he lowers her into Aaron’s arms. ‘Watch her arm.”

“What did you even do?” I chuckle at his obliviousness. “Watch your arm.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I got absolutely nothing.” 

“Aw, nothing.” 

“Ssss…two pair…” Spencer hisses. “Of aces…”

“Oh, get out of town! Why you always winning? Nuh-uh!” 

“Cause he cheats!”

“Poker. It’s mathematics, it’s statistics.”

“Which explains why I’m horrible at it,” I comment. “I don’t think I had anything either.” 

“No, you didn’t.” 

“He’s from Vegas.”

“House rules.”

“There’s that, too.” 

“Alright, shuffle.” 

“Give me a card,” Derek demands.

“Hey, Hotch,” Jason asks. 

“Yeah? He can play poker, we’re not using actual money.”

“It’s not that. Not even his dad can teach him to play.” 

“Uncle Jason!” I exclaim.

“It’s true. Did you send flowers to that tech girl...Garcia...and say they were from me?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Jason, people need to know that they’re important, and sometimes you forget that.” 

“I already sent her a gift.” 

“What? Jamie, you didn’t tell me.”

“Well, maybe you should ask,” I remark. 

“Oohh, boy got some sass.” 

“It’s his dad. Dave can be blunt. What did you get for her, Jason?” 

“An MP3 player. Jamie helped pick it out. They last longer. Unless you drop them, or the battery dies, whichever comes first.” 

“So, she got two gifts.”

“What if she thinks I’m sweet on her?”

“I’ll talk to her.” Elle gives a funny look that makes us all laugh.

“Give me cards,” I say.

#criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds #adoptedbydavidrossi #fine line

[h-e-l-l-b-r-o-k-e]

Holding Back The Fool Again [B. Hargrove x you]

Series: part 2 of Galapogos

Summary: This is Billy’s definition of extending an olive branch. Screwed and without shrewdness, kind of like him.

Inspiration: Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins (1995) in its entirety.

Word Count: 3073  Warnings: profanity, angst, and mentions of abuse.

Written Date: 07/24-31/2019  Posted Date: 8/1/2019

[PART 1]< >[PART 2]

“Hey.”

He’s not sure if the breathy sigh actually left his lips or if the rustling leaves toyed with his ears. What he does know for sure is that there’s a cool moisture on his upper lip, the impressive one-fifty he lifts is still no challenge to the old tree outside your window, and that even with sleep-mussed hair you’ve never looked better.

The rays of the sun kiss his skin, warming him up to the bone as if home is trying to plunge some needed coaxing through his thick skull. The sun knows he ran once; any discouragement will send him running again. It’s the way God carved Billy’s mechanics—inside the tough exterior is just a lost boy, a coward who’s on the verge of finally having enough of what’s been granted to him before he could even form a coherent sentence.

A reflection bounces off his Virgin Mary pendant, flashing threateningly close to your pupils. It’s the universe giving him a clue that if there’s ever the right time to make eye contact with the one you love, it’s now. Now, in what could be the final moment he has to prove to himself that he isn’t the man his father said he is and prove to you that he’s not just another copy-cat of David.

Is Billy another David? When he first came to your little town, you would have said yes. When you started riding in his Camaro and showing up to social events with his arm around your waist, David hardly crossed your mind. Now? You aren’t so sure, about anything. You don’t even know why you haven’t slammed the window on his gorgeous face. Your best friend Judilyn would have, so what’s stopping you?

Billy Hargrove has never been a perfect suitor. For heavens sake, the heroism he displayed when he saved your camera was soon followed by insulting you on your first date. And, Billy Hargrove’s relationship skills sometimes make you wonder why he’s even with you, or you with him. He has terrible mood swings, sometimes pushing you away so that he can have some time to himself to lift weights and not have a “woman nag at him all the time.” As if he’s not the one who clings onto you about seventy-percent out of a hundred.

He smokes so much that it has created a force-field around him, made up of cancerous fumes. You swear you’ve never inhaled as much second-hand smoke before getting to know him. The smell penetrates into your hair, your wardrobe, and soon your parents water bills were raising through the roof. After your parents started lecturing you and the scent of nicotine made a surprise appearance in your sheets, you had to lay down some strict rules: Billy can no longer smoke with the windows rolled up, Billy can no longer smoke half-an-hour before entering your house, and Billy had to promise to cut back. Not just for your sake, but his as well.

You’re not an unrealistic idiot though. You’ve seen this addiction before with your own grandfather. You’ve seen the continuous cycle of grandpa crushing the cigarette box in his hands and throwing it out only for you to find fresh cigarettes littered in your grandma’s rose bushes the next week. So, it’s not hard to imagine Billy sparking up an extra cancer stick before he’s supposed to meet with you. Especially when he comes over with an extra spritz of cologne and Binaca spearmint masking his breath.

But, as the breeze tickles your nose and wraps loosely around his dirty-blond curls in gentle tugs, you cannot detect the toxic bubble that embraces him. Nor the hours old musk of his favorite Pour Homme, but just the basic nature of the body detoxifying.

He’s here, without the calming of his disgusting addiction nor the courage of a strong drink on his breath.

And his voice. 

You’ve never heard it so…without its punch of beef-packed testosterone, without the fresh singe of tobacco on his vocal cords. So helpless. So vulnerable. So unlike Billy. But, it’s been inside him all along, waiting to be pulled apart by willing hands. Hands willing to tear apart his skeleton, push past the muck of sticky blood and pulsing intestines, and cradle the most important organ of all.  

And he thinks he’s felt—still feels—that pleasant pain of guts being twisted and torn apart whenever you’re around to mindlessly play with his fingers while you two watch a rented movie. To call out on his bullshit when anger either makes him too quiet or too loud. To wrap your arms around him when his father’s had swung the hour before just because Billy had forgotten to pick up one fucking gallon of milk.

Earlier that day when everyone was beginning to gather around in the school’s parking lot to see who’d win the fight between Billy and David, love’s affliction was still harshly pulling at his heart strings. And only when you’d hit the ground was it slowly being replaced by something else—a cold numbing from a lidocaine needle.

He wants to shake off this empty, suffocating, cushionless envelop made by the devil, and repent under your plum-like palms. Repent until you stop looking at him like he’s a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

He’s Billy, and he’ll always be your Billy. But, maybe that only makes it scarier.

The telephone downstairs begins to ring again—you’ve since disconnected yours after just minutes of continuous phone call after the other. You turn to face your bedroom door in temptation, looking past polaroids and the photographs that Jonathan had taught you to develop in the dark room. Memories of you with Judilyn and your group of friends. Moments in time of you and Billy’s blossoming relationship, featuring his douchy friends. All taped along the smooth surface.

Your fingertips get ready to push off the lower sash of the window.

“Please.”

You turn your head back to Billy.

He licks his pink lips and parts them again. “Don’t leave.”

“Why?” You immediately flinch at the croak in your voice. This isn’t how you imagined the confrontation with Billy to go. Actually, you somehow just thought you’d live in your bed forever with your teddy bear and Billy would fall off the face of the earth.

Instead, he’s just outside your window with bits of bark under his fingernails and the setting sun casting a halo around his crown. The whole view is a magnificent renaissance painting; every detail crafted with expertise and purpose, such as the way pink creeps up on the clouds and how you can count every freckle on Billy’s face.

Yet, you cannot find any of this to mean something. Not when classmates you barely talk to are keeping your line busy just to check up on you while he can’t even form the words that are caught in his throat.

His eyes study the inflamed skin of your palms then cut to the smudges that trail along the side of your right thigh. Through clenched teeth, he sucks in a breath of air. “Can I come in?”

You pause for a moment, even though you hadn’t expected anything else after he decided to claw his way up your window with far less grace than Judilyn’s ladder method (or your ex-boyfriend’s favorite: pounding his fists on your front door at two in the morning and waking up the entire house). Your finger tips weigh the odds by tapping on the painted wood, and only when you take a couple steps away from the window does Billy’s glistening pecks gently deflate.

The poodle designs on your sock-clad feet are more interesting than Billy as he extends a long leg through the opening, or so you convince yourself. But you don’t have to watch him to know that Billy’s glancing around your neat bedroom, checking for ripped up photographs or thrown mixed tapes—any sign that tells him that you’ve terminated things on your end of the hemisphere.

The only thing out of place, as he’s come to conclude, are the messed up sheets. The flannel is crinkled in a way that he’s familiar with; he’d never tell anyone that he’s had his fair share of finding comfort between blankets without a girl writhing in pleasure beneath him. Billy can almost picture you on your side with your knees tucked into your chest and your chin to your neck—he’d rather not focus on that.

You’re still standing by your mirror with eyelashes hiding the prettiest pair of irises he’d come across in Hawkins.

Billy’s never understood your damn patience. There was this time when Billy had walked the couple extra yards from your locker to yearbook class to pick you up for lunch, and he’d walked in on Pam Dubinsky giving you backhanded compliments on your poster designs for the new yearbook while you had stood there without saying a word. He knew about the countless hours you’d spent on your bedroom floor sketching up clever concepts while he would drift off and on on your plush mattress, and he knew all that hard work wasn’t just for some jealous bitch to tell you that her’s was better.

He had taken some loud steps forward and his tongue had been ready to snap away at her when you calmly raised your hand at him, prompting him from getting any closer and intervening, and kindly told the girl who had slept with your ex-boyfriend that no one would appreciate an amateur design on their yearbooks, especially not after such a long school year and that Pam should think about David—mediocre head and a mediocre yearbook? Talk about heartbreak.

It took so much of Billy to keep from laughing and humiliating that bitch any further, but above that he was proud of you for sticking up for yourself without sinking to her level. Malice disguised as a sugar cane had become his new favorite flavor.

Except, he quickly learned that your patience combined with his drastic mood swings brought him an unfamiliar peace that frustrates him just as much. He knows how to spurt out insults and give and receive bruises—that’s easy; that’s second-nature. But, keeping his ears from turning red and his breath under control is a whole other field. How does anyone do that?

But then you sniffle, and he realizes your shoulders are trembling as your hands struggle to clasp together. You’re not just waiting for him to make the first move, but you’re cowering. Over the fact that Billy’s so fucking reckless. Over the fact that Judilyn and your other friends were right, that Billy isn’t capable of anything but serving you pain as dessert on a silver platter. Over the fact that Billy’s anger can blind him of your presence, and has caused him to put his hands on you. Over the fact that just his puppy eyes alone can throw out your free will, and allow him into your bedroom. Over the fact that you’re still willing to hear him out.

“Prove to her that everyone in this shithole is wrong about you.”

Max’s voice still rings clearly in his head, and he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget it. At least not while you shrink into yourself in front of your mirror, but he’s trying to look on the bright side for once: you’re blocking his crumbling tower.

His mouth is so parched that swallowing proves worthless, but he knows he has to keep pushing. The photographs on your door call back to him, and his head rolls on his shoulders towards them.

“Do you remember when your dad almost caught me hiding in your closet?”

Your gaze on the carpet shifts a little closer to him.

A smile almost touches his lips. “You would’ve gotten in trouble if you didn’t have that Mount Everest of stuffed animals piled in there to hide me.”

The stuffed animals from your childhood had been the last thing you wanted Billy to discover about you. You had decided to donate most of them at the local Goodwill on your thirteen birthday, but your sentimental attachment to them kept you from tossing them every time. So you kept them hidden in your closet like a dirty secret, and had meant to never let the tough Billy find them. You were mortified that he’d think you were just some innocent little girl and that he wouldn’t want to be with you anymore, but he didn’t care. Sure it was a little funny, but he revealed he still had a little brown bear of his own that his mother gave him when he was six in his underwear drawer.

“Or that time when my boxers somehow got inside your hamper and your mom washed them, thinking they were your brother’s?” Billy holds in a chuckle. “And your brother was too dumb to realize they weren’t his and wore them for like a week straight.”

A sound leaves your throat. Half-giggle. Half-sob. It’s hard to differentiate whether that’s good or bad. The back of your wrist meets your nose, rubbing softly.

“There was also that one time when no one but Max and Judy knew we had skipped town for a couple days to go see Quiet Riot in Indianapolis,” he scans a particular Polaroid snap shot that was taken at the motel pool, “All we could afford was one night in some sleazy motel room, eating greasy fast food.” He looks at you again, “It was worth it. Never thought you could make a shitty mattress comfortable.”

The corner of your chapped lips tugs up. “Your chest does makes a great pillow, Hargrove.”

The shy smile is gone sooner than it appeared.

His torso appears in front of you as his warm palms find their way to your hair. Thumbs wipe away the sticky streaks on your rosy cheeks, and then gently caresses them.

He wants you to really look at him, but he finds it a small victory when you don’t duck beneath his arms as he envelops you in a desperate hold. When you don’t pull away after he buries his face in your neck. And when you don’t push him away after you hear him suck back the gunk that’s formed in his stuffed nose nor when something wet drips onto your bare collar bones.

“I’m sorry.” His voice is muffled into your shoulder.

Billy knows that your parents have been away, and he guesses by the missing Mustang in your driveway that your older brother must be down at the run-down waterhole with a couple of pig-headed buddies, so he’d been expecting your house to be devoid of its usual mumbling and lively noises that is such an integral part of it. He’d been relieved at first because that meant he wouldn’t have to deal with your angry parents or a careless-yet-overprotective brother, but now that you are keeping quiet Billy has nothing to grasp onto except this energy that’s barely hanging onto life support between you two.

Billy squeezes you a little tighter, praying that you somehow absorb his thoughts, his guilt, his regret, his love, and his fear. “Okay? I’m sorry for…being a piece of shit. I never meant for that to happen—never dreamt of it.”

The saltiness settles on his taste buds. “I promise I’m not David—I’m not my fucking father.”

Your finger nails run up his spine until they’re digging into the curls on the back of his neck. “I know.”

After just moments of softly scratching his scalp, you pull away and bring your arms into your ribs. The apology is left in the stale air around the two of you, but Billy doesn’t blame you. Lord knows that he’d never forgive his father even if he crawled through hell and back and begged him.

Billy untangles your arms from beneath your chest and leads you into the bathroom down the hall with every intention on washing away every negative emotion down the drain, “Come on, I’m gonna take care of you.”

This reluctance that stops you from letting go of the events that transpired in the parking lot is a million time better than being left to choke on the dust of drifting tires. If anything, Billy accepts this as a start in restoring what once was. Your patience taught him that much.

As the cascading water heats up and clothes hit the tiles one by one, Billy swears to himself that the fool inside him will not be in charge of steering the outcome that involves you. And as he takes a washcloth and some Dove soap to your palms, he promises to you he’ll never give you another reason to silence the ugly snort he fell in love with.

Fin.

To everyone who requested a part 2: @whatthefuckkrichard @basic-fragment @toobsessedsstuff @nightshade7117 @banannie25

A/N: This series has quickly turned into a sort of love note to the album Mellon Collie & The Infinite Sadness by The Smashing Pumpkins (1995). Give it a listen; it’s so rich and poetic and fit for everyone’s tastes. And, it’s only 28 songs! Anywho, feedback is strongly appreciated. I tried to keep a similar style of narrative as the previous one but struggled to come up with something both realistic and satisfying. Hope I did it justice.

#billy hargrove #billy hargrove imagine #billy hargrove x reader #billy hargrove x you #stranger things imagine #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things #billy x reader

[redknight3996]

22: The Behemoths

When considering all the things that could terrify a person in this vast, intimidating world of ours, people don’t typically consider big things. Not big as in existentially terrifying, everyone with an ounce of self-awareness/world-awareness knows what that’s like; no, this is the more simple, primal fear of dealing with something much, much bigger than you. The sort of fear a person experiences when getting too close to an elephant or a whale; a fear of the vast gulf between you and something that can kill you without even meaning to, or caring that it did.

Insects, people do understand, and fear easily. They don’t even need to be large, they can just be tenacious and willing to burrow inside a person, but giant insects are a classic monstrosity for a reason, and Sanguine Park is nothing if not fond of the classics.

You’ve already experienced at least two of these beasts, or at least heard mention of them. The giant scorpion in the minecart ride and the giant crab aboard the pirate ship. Scorpio and Cancer, or as the technicians called them: Hank and Roger.

Why those names? Why not? They work well enough.

As for the beasts themselves, Hank is an enormous scorpion with a crimson carapace and beady black eyes, while Roger is more of a pale blue, though her eyes are just as black and she’s equally as enormous. Really, their initial nests are rather cramped for how large these beasts actually are, and it’s only once Pomona cuts their restrictions that they’re allowed to express their full heights.

Hank works somewhat more subtly before her release. She stalks the caverns, preys on those who wander into her grasp, and brings the corpses back to those she tends to. The lurkers and the locust; the pallid humanoids made from failures of the nosferat, lean and chittering and grey skinned with yellow lamps as eyes, and the giant grasshoppers lying in wait. They accept what meals are brought eagerly, and when the clarion calls, the locust swarm from the caves first, darkening the sky as they sweep down and tear apart the rotting dead and violent humans available to them. The lurkers follow soon after, though they eschew the sunlight in favor of shade. It burns them too easily, and they hunt better when the night falls, though their gleaming eyes give them away easily.

They make up for it by being vicious and eager and having very pointy teeth, though neither group is especially hardy when it comes to gunfire.

Hank is though. Her carapace is extremely solid, her claws are firm and grip tight, and her stinger is sharp enough to punch through steel, which isn’t accounting for the heavily toxic, almost boiling venom she is fully capable of spraying to blind the unwary as you clutch your rashy skin and scream in the worst agony you’ll experience before your heart gives out. Assuming she doesn’t eat you in the meantime, which is entirely possible. Her mouth is also filled with venom, it should be noted, and has been modified to been much better at shredding than typical. Really, she’s been modified in general, as her body gives off more heat than a rock left out in the sun and her very presence is enough to bake the average walking corpse.

Still though, Hank is the comparatively more subtle of the two established behemoths, as she’ll simply dig through the caves to get out, not outright tear apart her domain. 

Roger, on the other hand, will literally explode the entire ship as she leaves it, screeching a violent challenge to the air as shards and splinters of wood rain into the water around her.

She’s certainly the more aggressive of the two; the whole reason you don’t see any other monsters inside the ship is that this extremely territorial creature butchered and ate every last organic thing inside her prison, and she’s quite eager to continue with the zombified sharks in the pools. She’ll gorge herself on a good dozen of them as the pools begin the overflow, not helped by the open sores across her shell that spout and leak seawater when she’s excited or aggravated. And she’s often excited/aggravated.

And yet, while Hank will migrate over to the Ancient Land to bask in the sands and occasionally snack on mummies, Roger will steadily stick to Telltale Cove, unwilling to part from her oceanic domain as the pools begin to overflow and drench the land in water while she lounges within the caves of the cove itself. She’ll still kill you without a thought besides “potential meal”, and her tendency to hide within the caves makes her as difficult to spot as the scorpion in the sands.

The two are dangerous, certainly, though not quite as much of a threat as when their remaining cohorts join the fray. If you’re lucky, you might be able to provoke the two into a fight before that, mostly owing to Hank’s tendency to wander, though don’t expect a kaiju battle to the death here. If one gets wounded enough, they’ll just retreat to lick their wounds while the other decides to snack on whatever is available. Such as you or any other humans around, and these two are certainly immensely detrimental to the hunter population of the park, so there’s that as a positive.

Duos just aren’t as interesting as trios though, so of course there’s a third. And maybe a fourth and fifth, but those are for later.

Castle Blightside has a dungeon. There are worse things down there, but the first you’ll likely meet is designated Aranea. A gigantic, black spider, fat and hairy with eyes of leaking pitch. Otherwise known as Billy.

The thick webs she weaves have their places all throughout the halls, keeping doors sealed and acting as traps and tripwires for the trespassers that wander below. If you try to enter early, you’ll inevitably run into them, be bound up, and eaten alive by the dark, lurking spider. If you try to set the webs alight, a dark, acrid smoke will fill the halls, and you’ll be eaten alive by the giant, hungry spider. If you enter, confident and unwary, you will die, and she will kill you. That’s just how things work.

Once things begin to go wrong, however, she’ll wander out, same as the rest of the beasts around. The nosferats, the barghests, the icthyans; the monsters are starting to explore, and competition for food is beginning.

Billy will satisfy herself with whatever her large, sharp legs can pierce. Making a web takes time, and she’s decent enough with her forelimbs. She’s not a natural spider–they couldn’t survive at that size–so she’s been modified heavily, and it’s easy enough to simply stab through an unlucky head and bring the bleeding, jerking body to her fangs to feast. She doesn’t need to liquefy prey to drink them, though her venom is still corrosive enough to make even the bones easy to get down.

Outside of her dungeon, out in the swamps where she begins to spin her webs again, entrapping the unwary and driving the beasts from their homes, you might be able to see her stalking the treetops. Or at least see the calling card of her presence: inky smoke that leaks from her carapace, thick and dark oh so easy to hide in. 

No matter where you travel, she can see you, you can’t see her, and she’s very happy to use that to her advantage.

Of course, that trait doesn’t help in the more direct fights with the equally sized monsters out there, but the main event there is being saved for later, so for now, why not delve where you’re not supposed to go?

The spider is away, so the prey can play. Down in the deep and dark, where the misshapen and failed are locked away.

There are still secrets to find. Seek them, and hope the sights revealed don’t drive you to tear the eyes from your head.

#31 day horror park #sanguine park #horror #halloween #my writing

[scrapyardboyfriends]

Jenny’s Belated Live Blogging - 28th February 2020

- This cancer story is already rough but Michelle is doing a great job with it. The scenes with the doctor were great and also just the quiet moments where you can see her fear. 

- I also thought the Chas and Charity scenes were good. They almost felt like themselves in that scene, their old selves that I liked. I like that Chas actually got to notice something was up with Charity and while she didn’t get the truth out of her, which was for the best since it should be Vanessa’s decision, Chas actually managed to give her some good advice. Rare these days. 

- The Vanity scenes after also were better than usual, at least a bit. I think it’s because they’re getting to argue about something other than just Charity doing something dodgy. Vanessa is actually going through something here and it makes the situation more real? meaningful? grounded? urgent? I can’t decide on the right word. More something. Better. Different at the very least. It’s the first time in while, I felt like Michelle was really getting to sink her teeth into something in one of their scenes, rather than just having to roll her eyes at whatever Charity has done now. It’s a good change of pace. And I think there could be something to Charity having to figure out how to support her. I just hope she does it with a few less “babes” and “I’m sorries” than normal. And I’d love for this to be the story that really does let them progress as a couple into something stronger and more believable but we’ll see. 

- As it is I still think they’re both better with any other cast member but today was definitely better with this subject matter. 

- Also, thanks Chas for mentioning both Robert and Aaron today. And thanks for the blurry roblivion picture. Always appreciated. 

- Side note: How many prints of that Charity and Noah picture exist? There’s two in the back room and then another one in Jacob’s Fold. 

- I’m glad Kim and Rhona are getting more scenes together and I don’t mind their sparring but I cannot wait until it’s not about Graham anymore. He’s still the worst and he’s already dead. Haha. I just can’t wait until we don’t have to pretend anymore that Graham was the love of either of their lives. It’s so absurd. 

- I’m liking this whole “keep Paddy involved with Rhona and away from Chas” thing though. It’s great. They should keep that up. He’s like a thousand times more tolerable with Rhona than hanging onto Chas and Chas being annoyed by him. 

- Marlon is still breaking my heart with his avoidance of people and trying to lie about losing it the night before with the party stuff. 

- Ellis was like...almost a character again today and he interacted with Billy almost the way they used to. Maybe...just maybe...he can become at least a fraction of what Asan’s Ellis was. I won’t get my hopes up but...you know. We’ll see. 

- They’re having a surprising amount of set up for this whole Billy working at the scrapyard thing. Makes me suspicious. I mean first with Chas trying to get Mandy of all people to go up there, implying that random off screen Dingles have been running it this whole time which is...ridiculous. Then again...maybe it’s easy. I mean, Aaron barely worked anyway. And second with Billy being all “I don’t have a job now that the HOP work is done until it properly opens. Oh what shall I do?” Just makes me wonder if the anons are right and they really are setting up for something when Aaron gets back and maybe this DI Malone character. It’s very hard to tell but still...they’re making a weirdly big deal out of it so...yeah.

#belated live blogging #emmerdale

[douxreviews]

Quantum Leap - Season Three Review

"I always do the right thing, Al. And where does it get me?"

Season three is when the formula started to wear thin a bit... and I got a little tired of "Oh, boy," even though Scott Bakula valiantly did his level best to make it sound different every single time. Al hitting his hand link also got a little old. It was also pretty obvious by this point that God has a sick sense of humor. The way Sam is dumped into ridiculous and/or dangerous situations with no knowledge of what is going on is like an ongoing practical joke. Why would God leap Sam into a magic box being pierced by swords, or just in time to sprinkle talc on a naked guy's underwear?

What works

Just like season two, the best episodes of season three are the premiere and the finale. In fact, the premiere is considered to be the best episode of the series, because Sam finally got to leap home. Sort of.

3.1 "The Leap Home, Part 1 (November 25, 1969)": How many of us would give nearly everything for a chance to go back in time and fix what went wrong in our own lives? It's tragic that when Sam leaped into himself at sixteen, he longed to save everyone in his family, but had to face the fact that it was not what God sent him there to do.

In a way, "The Leap Home" paralleled "M.I.A.", where Al refused to believe Ziggy's projections because he wanted the leap to be about saving his marriage to Beth. Here, Sam also refused to believe what Al was telling him because he was certain he was there to save his brother from dying in Vietnam, his father from dying of lung cancer, and even that he could keep his little sister Katie from ruining her life by marrying an abusive man. It's so easy for the audience to put themselves in Sam's shoes. I confess that I've often fantasized about going back in time somehow so that I could find a way to save my sister's life.

But no, you really can't go home again. With the possible exception of Al dancing with Beth in "M.I.A.," "The Leap Home" gave us the strongest scene in the series as Sam told his little sister Katie the truth about time travel and the bad stuff that was coming, and tried to prove it by singing his favorite song that hadn't been written yet. (A beautiful vocal by Scott Bakula, and by the way, "Imagine" is, coincidentally, my favorite song of all time, too.) Katie's face as she slowly realized that she'd never heard the song before and that it meant their brother Tom would die was genuinely heartbreaking, and Sam was forced to say that he was making it all up. This scene was made even more poignant, if that's possible, by Al almost wordlessly telling Sam not to share with Katie what happened to John Lennon. Honestly, I'm dripping tears just writing about it.

In the scenes that followed, Sam for the first time expressed his anger at what God was forcing him to do, to save other people but not the people that Sam himself loved. Al, who had also lost his chance to fix his life with time travel, was the one to remind Sam that God also gave him an amazing gift: the chance to spend Thanksgiving with his family one more time.

Scott Bakula played both Sam and Sam's father. That was okay, but it felt too much like a gimmick. I wonder if maybe some of the scenes might have worked better if I hadn't been distracted by Bakula playing two roles?

That's a nitpick, though. This is an excellent, emotionally resonant episode.

3.2 "The Leap Home, Part 2 (April 7, 1970)": Part two was also terrific. It felt like God was rewarding Sam for his sacrifice in part one by allowing him to save Tom's life. Andrea Thompson (Babylon 5) gave a good performance as dynamic reporter Maggie Dawson, who died for her Pulitzer. It made me think about whether or not it would be worth dying to create something that would live forever.

But I was unhappy that the unsuccessful mission was all about rescuing Al from his POW prison back in 1970. It felt like the writers were rubbing in the fact that Sam and Al couldn't use time travel to change their own lives... except that Sam actually could, this time. Why was Sam rewarded but Al punished? (Maybe I'm taking this too personally.)

3.6 "Miss Deep South (June 7, 1958)": I dislike pretty much everything about beauty pageants, but couldn't help loving this episode. Maybe I really liked the feminist slant, that Sam had to perform well in the pageant so that the young woman he'd leaped into could become a doctor and save a whole lot of lives — or maybe it was that he was also there to save another young woman from making an epically bad choice in life, like his sister Katie.

Okay, okay, it was probably Scott Bakula singing "Great Balls of Fire" while dressed like Carmen Miranda.

3.12 "8 1/2 Months (November 15, 1955)": Another excellent episode where Scott Bakula played a woman, this time an unmarried, pregnant sixteen-year-old girl. I particularly liked the emphasis on how helpless an underage pregnant girl was and how few choices she had back in the fifties. I also want to mention again what a strong actor Scott Bakula is. He's a masculine-looking guy, but he can wear women's clothing, even flowery maternity clothes, and I'm still focused on his performance instead of what he's wearing.

3.13 "Future Boy (October 6, 1957)": Sam leaped in to help Moe, the star of a children's TV show about time travel. Moe constructed a faux time machine in his own basement, and his adult daughter Irene believed that Moe was losing his marbles and wanted to have him committed. Touchingly, Moe built the machine because what he wanted more than anything was to go back in time and be a better husband and father. I don't know whether or not it was intentional, but there was some ambiguity in this Moe situation, since it was pretty clear to me that Moe really had lost touch with reality and should have been hospitalized. But it was still touching that Sam was able to bring Moe and Irene back together as family.

3.22 "Shock Theater (October 3, 1954)": As I've mentioned before, many Quantum Leap episodes feel like homages to specific movies. Here, it was One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest, as Sam was subjected to shock treatment against his will, which made him dissociate into various personalities. The best part was that all of those personalities were the real people that Sam leaped into, and that this time, Sam wasn't faking it -- he actually was his leapees: Tom Stratton, Jesse Tyler, Samantha Stormer, Jimmy, Kid Cody.

Nearly every episode of Quantum Leap puts Sam in some sort of danger, but we usually feel that he'll be okay in the end. In this one, it felt like things were spiraling out of control as Sam suffered abuse and was in genuine peril. In the end, Sam was forced to ask for the shock treatment that he dreaded, and he and Al somehow wound up leaping together, leaving us with a pretty serious and unusual cliffhanger.

Okay, there were a couple of problems with this one. Al rapping to teach Scott Lawrence's character to read made me uncomfortable. It was also hard not to wonder what happened to Sam's unfortunate leapee after the treatment, and how unfair that whole thing was to him.

Honorable mention

3.17 "Glitter Rock (April 12, 1974)": It's always fun when an episode features Scott Bakula singing, and for some reason, I absolutely loved the technicolor pseudo-Kiss makeup. But what the hell was Al wearing? A decorative stop sign? Wouldn't that be dangerous if he were walking down a road somewhere?

3.18 "A Hunting Will We Go (June 18, 1976)": It's hard to pull off this much slapstick in a single episode and do it well, but I thought they did: this episode was pretty darned funny. Good job by Scott Bakula as well as Jane Sibbett, who gave a vibrant performance; I always saw her as David Schwimmer's bland ex-wife on Friends, and didn't realize she was capable of stuff like this. I also appreciated the homage to the famous Clark Gable/Claudette Colbert hitchhiking scene from It Happened One Night.

What doesn't work

There are a few weak episodes, but this one's awfulness stood out from the crowd:

3.5 "The Boogieman (October 31, 1964)": This truly idiotic and poorly written episode is about a dream Sam had, while unconscious, of mysterious murders at a Halloween spook house. It included a replica of Al as the devil trying to stop Sam from fixing things while leaping — possibly Dean Stockwell's poorest performance of the series — and a teenage Stephen King with his dog Cujo.

Bits and pieces:

-- Famous people: Jack Kerouac, and as mentioned above, Stephen King.

-- Notable actors: C.C.H. Pounder, Kurt Fuller, and Peter Noone from Herman's Hermits. And Olivia Burnett, who did such a terrific job playing Sam's little sister Katie, also played another little girl named Susan in season two's "Another Mother."

-- Here's a question for those of you better at this online app stuff. Is Quantum Leap available for free at nbc.com (with commercials)? If it is, what did they do about the music replacement issue?

To conclude

I thought season three was good, but not quite as good as season two. And in fact, rewatching season three drove home for me that as a series, Quantum Leap was episodic, not serial. Honestly, I'd forgotten. But as my mother used to say, it is what it is.

On to season four.

Billie Doux loves good television and spends way too much time writing about it.

#Quantum Leap #Sam Beckett #Al Calavicci #Scott Bakula #Dean Stockwell #Quantum Leap Reviews #Doux Reviews #TV Reviews #something from the archive

[mtvswatches]

Jane the Virgin 1x05 Chapter Five

Spoilers disclaimer (please read before sending messages or writing comments)

Stray thoughts

1) Well, this is not a healthy mother/daughter relationship…

NARRATOR: As we all know by now, when Jane Gloriana Villanueva came into this world, her father was already out of the picture. And though she sometimes fantasized about who her father was and what having two parents would be like, Jane and her mom had a typical mother-daughter relationship. With the role of the mother played by Jane.

It makes sense to have the roles reversed when you are older, but not when you’re a little kid. That’s messed up. It wasn’t Jane’s fault that her mom was still a kid when she had her. She should’ve still got to be a kid.

2) This won’t be Rogelio, though. It would have never been Rogelio.

NARRATOR: It was times like these when young Jane wished especially hard for a father. Someone responsible and wise, someone who would take care of things so she wouldn't have to.

3) Okay, I was wrong. Jane is super pissed. She’s moving out! She’s barely speaking to her mom. However, it might be a good thing for her to move in with Michael ahead of the wedding. Maybe this will be the final nail on the coffin of this doomed relationship? One can only hope…

4) Oh, you naïve, self-absorbed, Rogelio…

Shooting? No, this is not make-believe, Roxanna. This is real life. My daughter is coming. So I must prepare to step into the role of… father.

He claims is not “make-believe” but he takes the role of father as, well, a part he needs to play. But there’s no script and there’s no pre-established happy ending when it comes to parenting. I’m guessing he’ll figure this out soon enough.

5) What is Michael hiding from Jane? Apart from the fact that he has no personality and is boring as fuck?

6) Okay, both Rafael and Jane have the same opinion about what constitutes a “mistake.” That’s cool.

7) New favorite character.

8) I’m guessing Billy is not dating Jane’s best friend because he likes her…

9) JUST GET TOGETHER WITH RAFAEL AND RAISE THE BABY WITH HIM! It’s not that complicated, is it?

10) Well, at least one of their concerns is similar…

JANE: I just want it to go well.

ROGELIO: I just really want it to look good, Michelle.

JANE: What do you think we'll talk about?

ROGELIO: What shoes should I wear?

MICHAEL: He's gonna love you.

ROGELIO: She's gonna love me, right?

The most important one. I really like how the show portrays Rogelio. He is a bit of the comic relief, most of the times, with his bigger-than-the-sun ego and star quality. But they never fail to show that he also has a big heart, even if he might not be good at showing it all the time.

11) OMG the spotlight! The stairs that go on forever! The trademark telenovela actor Smile! The audience, forced to clap on cue!

He’s just… too much.

12) Oh, stupid Captain Cardboard…

I think you won’t be having the last laugh…

Seriously, though, how can he be so thick as to not realize that Rafael and Petra splitting up could actually have a negative impact on his and Jane’s relationship? Did he forget that Jane was fantasizing about Rafael like two weeks ago? And now, the man who she was fantasizing about and whose baby she’s carrying is conveniently single…

13) Jane is moving in with Rogelio?!!!

14) Oh, wow, that was Xiomara’s fantasy. 

15) He was nervous, that means he does care.

16) Credit where credit’s due, though. Michael does understand how important Jane’s relationship with her mom is to her. He mentioned how she shouldn’t get married without her mom because she will regret it, and he understands her need to talk about her first encounter with her dad with her mom. So, there’s that.

17) I JUST FUCKING DIED!

bUT WHY DID MICHAEL HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO DELIVER THAT LINE?! UGH!!

This is Piz talking about the Hellmouth all over again.

18) “After what happened, you said you would always take care of me.” What happened to you, Magda? I’m dying to know! It’d better be juicy!

19) Wow, the conversation between Xiomara and Jane is a great scene, even if it’s not a big argument with a lot of screaming and crying. The emotions are still there because you can clearly understand where each of them is coming from. Jane feels robbed of part of her identity, and Xiomara’s fears are valid, even if not completely justified. Ultimately, however, I must take Jane’s side. Having her father as part of her life should have always been Jane’s choice, not her mother’s, and especially not if it was based on a lie.

20) I’m Rafael, so hard.

21) I guess this was her other weapon…

Sex and emotional manipulation…

So, she was pregnant, once. She had a miscarriage, and then he got cancer.

22) Hm, was this really it? It doesn’t seem like a thing you’d really go to extreme lengths to keep hidden…

MICHAEL: We used to do stupid things.

JANE: What kind of stupid things?

MICHAEL: Mostly stealing cars and selling the parts.

JANE: Oh, so, like, illegal stupid things.

MICHAEL: Yeah. We worked out of this old garage. The cops found it. He was only 16, no record. I already was in trouble. Billy took the blame.

JANE: What?!

MICHAEL: I tried to come forward, but our-our lawyer said that if I did, he'd still be in jail for lying.

JANE: Oh, my God.

MICHAEL: Yeah. After that, I-I I turned my life around. He went the other way. And I've been bailing him out ever since.

I still think there must be something shadier about him. Or are his secrets as boring as him?

23) In spite of her crappy decision, Xiomara is a good mom. Even though she feels threatened, she still offers Rogelio some good advice, and she understands that it’s her own fault that she and Jane have fallen out. Rogelio is also genuinely nice, he knows that Xiomara could and would help him out – even if she is the reason he hadn’t met his daughter until now. And he seems to be honest when he claims he never meant to cause a wedge between mother and daughter by coming forward as Jane’s father.

24) So, that didn’t go too well…

ROGELIO: You have to understand that she was not wrong.

JANE: Excuse me?

ROGELIO: When I was 17, I was an idiot kicked out of school, smoking weed. She wanted to protect you.

JANE: Look. I think it's really nice that you want to defend her, but I don't want to talk about it, okay? Right, that's between me and my mom.

ROGELIO: Jane, well, she was terrible, but she was scared.

JANE: Rogelio, come on.

ROGELIO: I just want you to see her side.

JANE: I know her side.

ROGELIO: She was crying, Jane.

JANE: And you don't think that I've cried? But you wouldn't know that because you don't know anything about me, not even my middle name. And that's because of her. And I guess for you, it is easy to forgive that because you've only know about me for 16 months. But I have thought about you every single day for the past 23 years. You know what? I'm-I'm sorry, I can't do this. Rogelio, you seem like a nice enough man, but we haven't been a part of each other's lives until now, and we've been fine, so let's not force it.

Rogelio was well-intentioned, but that doesn’t mean that he had any right to speak on Xiomara’s behalf. The right to dispense fatherly advice is something you have to earn. You don’t get to do that just because you’re, biologically speaking, the father. It takes time and a lot of bonding and trust building.

I think I would’ve reacted the same way Jane did.

25) And that didn’t go too well, either…

RAFAEL: These are the divorce papers.

PETRA: You were about to have sex with me yesterday.

RAFAEL: We stopped.

PETRA: Yes. But I could tell you didn't want to.

RAFAEL: Petra, please, let's keep what little dignity we have left.

PETRA: Jane's going to change her mind. You're going to have to share custody of that baby.

RAFAEL: I'm hoping I won't.

PETRA: You will. You know you will. Rafael, we can work it out.

RAFAEL: Not if I don't love you anymore.

PETRA: You make me sick.

RAFAEL: I understand. So sign the divorce papers. You'll get your $250,000 and we'll be done with each other.

I respect Rafael because he doesn’t let his attraction for Petra could his judgment. He knows it would be wrong to continue the charade just to get the baby because, at the end of the day, he doesn’t love her and I’m not too sure she loves him either. Petra, on the other hand, feels disgusted when Rafael admits he doesn’t love her… but I guess cheating on him, lying to him, using sex and their tragic past to manipulate him, and holding him hostage with the idea that he won’t get the baby are not disgusting deeds.

I can’t help but wonder if Petra will undergo a  Heel-Face Turn and how exactly the writers will pull this off because she keeps piling on evil stuff.

26) I LOVE ROGELIO!!

ROGELIO: I heard what you said about not forcing things. This is not forcing things. This is apologizing. I think I was trying to make up for all these years in two hours. I was trying to impress you. But I went too far, so I'm sorry.

JANE: No. It's okay. I think I was hard on you, and I had expectations that were totally unreasonable. Then let's begin again.

Yes, he is self-absorbed and at times misguided, but he has a good heart and he does mean well. And who would’ve thought? He’s able to do some self-introspection if need be. And he can apologize when he does something wrong. He’s a good man, alright? Or at least he’s trying really hard to become one. I love him a lot.

27) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

28) It was obvious Jane wouldn’t be able to give up the baby. She couldn’t put the baby through the same things she had to go through herself because other people denied her of the possibility to know who her father was. I still don’t know what Michael’s role is going to be in this whole thing.

29) Again, I’m Rafael…

RAFAEL: A guy I can't stand is gonna be involved in raising my kid. I just don't know what Jane's doing with him.

Except for the Michael-raising-my kid thing, of course.

30) WTF!!!!

My new favorite character is dead!!!

31) Sin Rostro killed him… I’m sorry, but I think Sin Rostro is actually a woman. And I’m guessing it’s Magda. I don’t know why I think Magda is behind all of this.

32) What the fuck are they planning?

Is Petra going to blame Rafael for domestic abuse?

33) Liar, liar, pants on fire…

“I’ve made a mistake” was probably the worse excuse he could’ve given. We know how Jane feels about people calling their willing choices “mistakes”.

34) Awww ☹

Will Jane be crying by the end of every episode? I hope not.

35) Of course…

36) A very fun episode! But will Jane end up crying in every episode? And will someone end up dead every few episodes? And is Magda Sin Rostro? Will Michael stop being so fucking boring? So many questions!

37)  Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi.Thanks!

#Jane the Virgin #Jane Villanueva #Rogelio de la Vega #Rafael Solano #Gina Rodriguez #MTVSwatches #mine #recap #JTV recap #JTV 1x05

[benbarnesescape]

Rules

Warnings: 18+. Unprotected sex (don’t be silly wrap that willy), bad language. If you’re not 18 you gotta go to the kids table until you are (sorry ‘tis the law)

A/N: This was inspired by Dua Lipa’s song Rules and for @starless-skyox for my B. Russo prompt challenge. I had to write vulnerable Billy even if he’s an asshole. There’s just something about men who you know aren’t good for you….

“Oh Billy…”

Your nails claw down his back as your legs wrap around his waist, drawing him deeper into you. Both your sex fills his nostrils as he bites down on your neck, catching that sensitive area of skin that has you moaning out his name in approval.

You both had been fooling around for months. It had started out as something casual. An old friend of Curtis, Billy knew of you. Knew that Curtis would do anything for you just like you would do anything for him. You both had grown up in the old neighborhood together. When Curtis had introduced you both to meet for quick drinks at happy hour one Friday night, one drink became two drinks which became karaoke, then dancing, followed by street shawarma with more drinks.

When you had woken up in his bed the next morning – you had been petrified. You were married. Sure, your husband was dull and boring. Sure, the sex was bad. Sure, maybe you had married him because it was your mothers dying wish before she gave into the cancer that had been killing her for years. Cheating was cheating. You told him such.

That was of course, after you had fucked him senseless on his kitchen counter. Before you had sucked him off so good, he had almost passed out from his orgasm.

Yet you still called and when you did, he was more than eager to meet you.

You were both addicted to each other. Sex was just sex.

You had even defined three rules to ensure that it stayed that way. To ensure that this just stayed sex – nothing emotional. Just sex.

That was what he told himself as he felt your body shake under his own, feeling the way your walls fluttered around his cock as you bite your lip, your eyes rolling back in ecstasy before he released himself in you, his body shaking just as uncontrollably as your own.

It was just sex.

You both lay together in your post coitus bliss, his head laying gently on your chest before you’re pushing him away softly. Too soon.

“Told Bryon I was running to the store for ice-cream and now I have to come up with an excuse to why I’m late.”

You swing out of bed all too quickly, looking around the room for your underwear and jeans.

“Run to the corner mart.”

You snort as you shimmy into the tough material, before you’re scurrying around for your bra.

“Think I haven’t already figured that out.”

Billy smiles before he turns his head, watching you as you throw your shirt on before walking to the mirror in his room. You give an internal sigh at your hair, fresh from sex, before tugging on the hair tie around your wrist as you pull your hair into a ponytail.

He catches your eye in his mirror and your lips tug into a soft smile as you watch each other. Then you shake your head, turning around before saying,

“You know I can’t stay.”

“Never asked you too.”

You walk up to the bed, bending down to place a soft kiss on his lips before whispering,

“Maybe not this time.”

He pulls you down to him, his hands finding your waist easily and you giggle into his mouth as your weight falls on top of him, before his lips are skimming down your neck.

“Say halfway to the store you got called into work. Stay a little longer.”

“Billy…” You groan as you pull away and he sighs, his head falling into the crevice of your neck.  

Rule # 1 – you don’t stay the night. 

You were crystal clear about that. Never bended on it, not after that first time. Yet he pushed.

He always pushed.

He had missed the way it felt to wake up to another warm body, inhaling the way your shampoo filled his nostrils with his arm wrapped over your body, warming you up.

Not because he had feelings. He just wanted to feel that way again. Feel like there was someone else in the world who gave a damn about him.

“Or I could wait for you to call me when you’re ready to be fucked the right way again.” He sighs, pulling away from you and you cast your head to the left, your eyes considering him before saying,

“How about lunch a few days from now? There’s this great new French restaurant that opened by your job. We can have lunch then dessert and that way you don’t have to feel like a used sex slave.”

Billy laughs, trying to bite away the excitement building in his gut. Trying to deny the fact that you never wanted to do something casual, like go to lunch or go out and be seen with him and that he was far too excited to spend time with you outside of bed. Instead, he does what he always does as he caresses your face tenderly. He hides behind a lie.  

“You can always get your husband to buy your meals.”

You nod, rolling off of him,

“I could. But I’d rather this time you do. You are the one, after all, benefiting from dessert.”

You kiss him one last time before pulling from his arms, walking to his bedroom door. You give a small wave,

“Au revoir amore.”

And then you’re gone, like you always are, the faint smell of your perfume the only evidence that you were fever around.

Lunch took too long. When you had shown up to the restaurant, a phone held to your ear as you maneuvered through the intimate space, he knew he was done for. The dark gray dress hitting your curves in all the right places, teasing your cleavage behind the designer blazer he might as well threw in the towel now.  When he saw you, typically in tight jeans and leggings, hair thrown up as you laughed with him you were casual. Light hearted. Fun. The kind of fun girl you imagine taking home and fucking for hours.

Now you were like a runaway model, demanding the room of your presence as you strolled power walked into the room. You walked with confident purpose as you neared him, a large smile on your face as you held up a finger, speaking into the phone at a rapid pace in what was either Arabic or Armenian. His ear was rusty, hadn’t been abroad in a while.  

“What is it that you do again?” he asks naively, aware for the first time that you knew too much about his life but he knew too little of your own.

“I work for the U.N. International Relations Manager. Means you translate and keep the kids away from each other when they get into a bad fight. And hello to you too.” You placed a kiss on his lips that lingers for too long. You’re both aware of it as you pull away, blinking at him.

Neither of you refuse to accept it.

“Got you flowers.”

His hands idly go to the bouquet of tiger lilies to the left of him and your twitch up into a smile as you threw a napkin over your lap, taking the gift and inhaling them softly.

“How’d you know tiger lilies were my favorite?”

He leans back in his chair, thrumming his hand against the table as a waiter comes, asking for your drink order. Billy takes a cool sip of the whiskey he’s already been sipping, trying to navigate his next answer.

“You mentioned them a month back. When we were attempting to watch a movie.”

“You were listening?” you counter and he shrugs,

“Was in the military. You learn to pick up on details.”

The twinkle in your eyes tells him that you don’t believe him, that you believe it’s something else but you don’t voice it. Just watch him curiously.

“Perhaps I should make a more conscious effort to get to know you. Tell me – what was it like growing up in New York?” he’s trying to steer the conversation away from how you were making him nervous.  You lift a skeptical eye though and he knows you don’t buy it. He hopes you don’t challenge him on it.

“You don’t wanna hear about that. And honestly, you don’t have to know me to validate fucking me on the side…” You allow yourself to drift and he leans onto the table, his elbows propping up as he balls his hands into a fist.

“Yea I do. I know about as much as Curtis told me about you and you know way too damn much about me. I’d like to fix that.”

Rule #2 – you would learn as little about each other as possible.

Helped ward off feelings of attachment. You both worked hard for that. He was a naturally private person as were you.

But when you were around someone so much, no matter how hard one tried, it was inevitable to pick up little things about them. What made them smile. How they grew up. What motivated them. He was curious about you now, knowing that you were a UN officer. Intrigued. His thirst for needing to know all the details outweighing the need to lie to himself.

You give a slow nod, watching him as you take a long sip of water before shrugging.

“Okay, but this is just to make things even. Doesn’t mean anything else okay?”

He nods and you sigh, gesturing for the waiter to pour you another glass of wine.

“What do you want to know?”

“Everything.” He says simply

He listens, his dark eyes bearing into you as he watches you as you dive into your autobiography

This was different. It was different in the way you laughed as you sat back in your chair, allowing the white wine to consume your senses. The way you brushed hair out of your face as your eyes eagerly told him tales of growing up, your hands moving from nervously playing with your napkin to know moving around you in an animated fashion. The way you sit up in your chair, crossing those legs he knew like to wrap around his waist when he was plowing into you deeply, as you bite your lip, sharing things he knows you normally would keep to yourself.

This was different because he was seeing you beyond the woman who he just wanted to fuck. Now he was seeing you as something else – someone who grew up with an abusive stepfather and a mother who drank herself to death. Someone who was the youngest of seven kids and had to step up at an early age to support the family. Someone who had found a way out of a shit show family situation only to be forced into a loveless marriage. Bryon – the insurance carrier who had you had known your whole life and eventually married because toward the end of your mother’s sickness, was one of the few things that gave her peace.

The way you felt like you were alone in this busy world, standing amidst a crowd screaming for help only to fall on silent ears.

You were like him. And that small ache deep in the back of his heart, the one that had always told him that he was going to be alone, chips a bit.

When you’re done, realizing that he hasn’t responded you begin to nervously begin to fiddle with your napkin again, wringing the tough fabric in your hand.

“Sorry to dump that all on you.” You finally say after you take a long swig of your wine, finishing the cup and he shakes his head, reaching out for your hand. The movement takes you both off guard and he shakes his head, trailing circles on your exposed hand,

“Don’t apologize about being you. Not to me or anyone us. Most of us fill the same way but would never admit it.”

You quirk your head to the side, watching the way his lean fingers play against your skin and you look back up at him, eyes lust blown as you clear your throat. He had pushed too much. Got too intimate. You were pushing him away as you shrugged out of your jacket, exposing your shoulders and allowing him a better view of your cleavage.

“Where’s the nearest bathroom?” you ask and he can’t help his eyes from wandering between your eyes and your chest.

“Behind me in the back. To your left.”

“Family restroom?” you ask and he nods as you pull from him, ceasing the intimate contact as you stand to straighten out your dress. Then you walk toward him, bending down quickly to whisper,

“Meet me in 5?”

“I’ll see you in three.” His eyes are fixed on your face as you smile, noting the way two dimple dig deep into your cheeks before he feels your fingers grazing over your shoulder as you walk past him.

The fuck was wrong with him. He waited a beat, before straightening out and buttoning his jacket.

This was just sex.

He never realized how lush your lips were. It was all he could think of as you pulled him to the back seat of his car –  his $600,000-dollar car he reminded himself – laughing as your lips fall on his neck, drawing a low moan out of him.

You’re both drunk. Way to damn drunk. You were both technically supposed to be inside, celebrating with friends and strangers the start of a new year. Your husband was inside. Curtis was inside. Neither of you gave two fucks. The minute you walked into Anvil in the glittery, tight fitting number he knew he was going to fuck you. His eyes had undressed you the minute you waved at him, walking over with someone a bit smaller than you, my gangly in your presence.

You’re husband. Things clicked the minute you introduced him. He understood why a woman like you – a woman full of passion and adventure – had to get away from someone like that.  Understood why you choose a job that required you to be away most of the year. Understood why you ignored your phone when he called or texted. Understood why you had cheated on the sad man in the first place.

He was an ant trying to carry a goddess.

It had been six months and while he hadn’t tried to be sentimental, it had slipped out while you were both in bed.

“Come to my New Year’s Eve party?” he whispered against your hair, his arms wrapped around you as you nuzzled into his chest. You were going to be gone a month and had forced him to take half a day for work. You were insatiable.

“I’m not your girlfriend.”

He snorts though something bites at his heart. Wishing it wasn’t this way. Confused on why he wanted it.

“Not asking you too. Curtis is coming and he’s not either.”

You laugh, kissing his chest softly before resting your head on his pecks.

“Why do you want me to go?”

“I think it would be fun. Booze, dancing and good company. Come on – tell me you don’t want to go out and have a good time together. It’ll be like the first time we met.”

You sigh but he knows by the smile tugging at your lips he’s got you. He doesn’t admit to himself that he wants you to go because it marks the six months you’d have been together. That would really scare you. Scared the shit out of him when he thought too hard on it. Which is why he lied. To himself, to you.

Lying was how you survived in this world.

Of course, this was the karma for wanting more from you. Now he was stuck with your husband – Brandon was it? – having to listen to him as he dryly droned on about running – one of his hobbies. How he was thinking of expanding your New York home, how he devoted all his time volunteering to fill in the time when you were away for work.

God could the man be more boring.

So it was a little after 11, when people were really starting to feel buzzed and you were leaving the bathroom that he had pulled you into the dark hallway.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” he had whispers in your ear and you relax in his grip, wrapping your arms around his neck as you shake your head.

“You scared the shit out of me Billy.”

“You didn’t answer my question,” he runs his lips down your neck causing you to tremble as he mutters against your skin, “Where are you going in such a hurry?”

You laugh, giving him a soft nudge before saying,

“You know my husband is here right?”

“Yea I noticed. Why is he here? I invited you and Curtis. Not you, Curtis and the third boring amigo.”

You laugh, shaking your head and shrugging,

“No way I leave the house looking this good and not have an explanation. Besides I’ve been gone a month in Columbia, he missed me, blah blah blah…”

Billy bites down on your collarbone causing you to yelp and shakes his head.

“This simply won’t do. Can’t have you dissatisfied.”

“Hmmm,” your hands make slow work of his button up shirt, popping each button slowly, “What are you going to do to remedy it.”

He lifts you, carrying you out to his car, a place more private from the wandering eyes inside, throwing you in the back seat as he turns it on. Locking the door to warm the small space up. Had only got so far before you were pulling him in the back seat, your hands greedily reaching for his belt as he lifts your dress up.

“This dress on you,” he ruts up the material high on your belly, taking in the garters you’re wearing and he groans as he rolls back on his knees, taking you in, “Fuck babe, this dress on you should be illegal.”

You give a satisfied smile as his hands roam up your thighs, over the intricate material running down your flesh at it meets in your center before he’s pulling down your underwear, biting his lips. Watching the way you were watching him, your arousal filling up the space and goddamn if that doesn’t do him in, he doesn’t know what will.

He pulls down his briefs quickly, spreading your legs apart as he leans between them, his face barely touching yours as he slowly slides into you, causing you to moan. Then he bends down and he kisses you, his cold lips pressed against your own and you both freeze. Stare at each other for what seems like a century. 

Rule # 3 – No kissing. 

Kissing was intimate. Invited something more. Sure a few pecks down each other’s neck was fine but actual kissing was off limits.

He was breaking all of them now and he knew it.

He’s about to pull away, about to take it back but then your tongue is skimming along his lips, asking them to be opened and he submits, his tongue mingling with yours for the first time. Tasting you. Moaning deeply into your mouth as he lifts your leg, hitting your deeper as his cock grazes across that spot that has you moaning out his name, your hands digging in his hair.

Your other leg wraps around his torso, drawing him closer to you as his hand snakes between your leg, circling your clit. He can feel the way your body starts to shake, succumbing to the pleasure he is giving you as you pull him closer to him, kissing him deeply.

He pulls you up higher, driving into you deeper, a low moan grumbling from his inner chest as you wrench from him, grasping at the leather underneath you as his name fills the air. Your hand rakes down his chest as his forehead leans on yours, lips brushing against each other and he whispers,

“I think I could fall for you.”

You cradle his face, wrenching away from him for a second and shake your head whispering,

“Don’t.”

He doesn’t cease his movement as his hips move faster, more sloppily against you. Doesn’t stop as his hand intertwines with yours, coming inside you as his head falls into the crook of your neck, moaning out your name. You however are still, your head moved to the side as silence starts to fill the car. The sound of people counting down echoing against the crisp night air.

“Forget I said it.” He whispers in your neck, pulling away from you, that part of him that has always kept himself distant starting to harden up again. You’re silent and he looks down at your face, at the way tears glisten in the moonlight and fear grips your heart.

Was the thought of him loving you really that horrible? Was he that unlovable?

“Really, I didn’t mean it.” He tries to get it out in a gruff but he knows it’s more of a whisper and you turn toward him, shaking your head.

“I can’t have you Billy. Just as much as you can’t have me. The sooner you come to terms with that – the easier this can get.”

He’s confused, knows his face is reflecting it and you wipe at your tears before your face cradles him,

“You’re kinda great Billy you know that? Funny. Talented. Successful. Intelligent. Perceptive. But your just as broken as I am. You don’t know how to love. I don’t know how to love. Two broken things don’t make a right. This is fun, what we have but one day you’ll get bored. You’ll find someone else and I’ll go back to my dull existence. Maybe you find a boring, charming girl who can put up with you and your broken soul but it can’t be me. Don’t know how to love you in all the ways you deserve to be loved. Because you do Billy – deserve love. But it can’t me. Don’t get attached to me.”

There’s something about the way your voice hits his ear, the way you look at him before you’re fighting back a sob that tears deeply to his soul.

Because he was you. Knew you. Knew that everything that you were saying was true.

You were two broken souls just looking for someone to put you together. But that couldn’t happen. Too much damage had been done. Far too much.

“Hard to not love someone like you.” He mutters and you laugh, pushing him a bit.

“Billy Russo doesn’t love.”

“And Y/N does?” he challenges back and you shake your head.

“I don’t want to see you after this.”

It tears him. Feels like the air is being sucked out of his lungs slowly, filling up with something dark and twisted that poisons his lungs. He feels alone and vulnerable suddenly. But he knows you’re right.

You had to go. He had to watch you go.

Love like this was dangerous.

“After tonight?” he asks and you nods slowly and he sighs, wiping a strand of hair from your face.

“Only if you come home with me. Just for tonight. Then you can go.”

The only rule you haven’t broken yet. The only one that’s mattered the most.

You don’t hesitate to say yes.

When he wakes up the next morning you’ve left him alone in his bed and you’ve taken his broken heart with you.

#ben barnes #billy russo x reader #billy russo #billy the beaut #the punisher #ask and you shall receive

[themanformallyknownaswelshy]

Jigsaw Thoughts

HEAVY SPOILERS

Hello there.

So yeah, a new Saw film has just recently been released and I’ve been to see it … twice. I’ll admit to being very touched and slightly scared (in the best way possible) at the amount of requests I’ve been getting from people asking for my thoughts on the film. It’d been … what, 4 years since my last proper video on Saw and that people are still interested in my opinion about the series … that’s pretty awesome. Sadly, this can’t be released in video format at the moment (which isn’t saying it never will be) because I currently have a camera without a battery, a computer that no longer connects to the internet, a laptop that randomly shuts down and no audio equipment. Oh and we’re also saving for a wedding and a house. Priorities people!!!

So anyway, before I address my thoughts on Jigsaw, I want to say something about Saw as it means to me. Keep in mind, this is going to be long as I have many thoughts and if this were a video, it’d probably clock in around the 30 minute mark. Now, it should be noted that I’m not blind to what Saw is and as I’ve previously said, I don’t view it as a masterpiece of cinema and for the people who don’t like it, I’d never be able to change their minds about it. My issue steams from reviews I’ve seen that label Saw (specifically the original) as torture porn and I simply do not agree with this statement. In fact, I informed one person of this once and this person accused me of being sexist and of attacking them for simply disagreeing with their claim, a disagreement I backed up but then I’m the same guy who managed to violate the … what was it, the second amendment with Dark Side of The Internet, so make of that what you will. For me, the Saw Series exists in a heightened reality with everything played at just that over the top level, from the scenarios all the way down to the acting. It’s a very fine line to walk and one Saw, from original to 3D managed to walk almost perfectly. The first 2 films in the series also didn’t have the budget to show the all out gore explosions that the later films became known for so to class the first 2 as torture porn is, to me, simply wrong. A comparison would be a film like Hostel or the Zombie Halloween films, especially the sequel. These films don’t walk the line, they have a very real, raw edge to them, the effects of the torture (blow torches to the face, heels being sliced, women beaten to bloody pulps) are shot very raw and very real and this moves both films beyond snuff (ala Texas Chainsaw) and is why I would class films like Hostel and Halloween Zombie as torture porn and a film like Saw as more a twisted morality tail and it’s sequel, part horror, part psychological thriller because the 2nd film IS essentially a game of chess between 2 players, Jigsaw and Detective Matthews. While the argument could be raised about the later sequels falling more into the realms of torture porn, all films still contained that heightened sense but more so than any of that, I believe it wasn’t the traps that kept bringing fans back into the theatres year after year but it was more so the story because, as convoluted as it was, and BELIEVE me, it was, there was a story that built and teased and, ultimately, provided the answers to many fan theories and questions.

Why have I mentioned this? Read on.

So, my thoughts on Jigsaw?

I liked it. It certainly was better than it had any right to be. The story moved along at a great pace, the traps as they were designed and shot were pure Saw and very Jigsaw in nature. By this I mean, the traps were all survivable, but the subjects were expected to sacrifice something of themselves in order to get out alive. It also played into something Jigsaw says to Hoffman in Saw V about anticipating the human mind, something Jigsaw was always very good at. As Jill Tuck said herself, with John everything was planned, nothing was left to chance. I obviously enjoyed Tobin Bell back in his iconic role like he’d never missed a beat, I loved seeing Billy with glowing red eyes (and I did BILLY when I saw him), the Jigsaw house of horrors barn and separate work shop was a delight and the score felt like a natural evolution with sweet call backs to previous themes. It also benefited from a bigger budget, the opening car chase being a prime example and the money shot that was the culmination of the final trap was a site to behold and I’ll now never be able to here the phrase “It looks like a tropical plant” the same way again.

I won’t lie, when I first saw the trailers for Jigsaw I was slightly concerned about how glossy and clean everything looked. The Barn appeared to take place almost entirely in day light and a lot of the film seemed to be taking place out doors. If there was one thing Saw excelled at was the rustic, run down, abandoned factory, enclosed and claustrophobic feeling and with Jigsaw, I never really got that feeling. I never felt like I was suffocating along with the characters in the environments they were finding themselves in and this seems to stem more from the way it was shot rather than the script. It’s also seemed to be setting up future sequels because a number of events occur in said film that raise greater questions. The film managed to keep the Saw style of walking the fine line of maintaining its heightened reality and felt like it easily slotted into the world as it had been previously established in previous films. It’ll certainly please fans to the series but won’t win or convert people who have never seen the Saw films before. It’s also a film that, while trying to restart the series, suffers if you’ve never watched the series before.

One of the big problems Saw encountered in it’s later life is it was essentially becoming a movie serial. You’d have needed to have watched the previous episode in order to understand what was going on. For someone like me, someone who had watched and re watched the films so many times I could quote them in my sleep,  this wasn’t a problem and watching the newest entry always felt like a reward but for someone jumping in as a first time watcher, they wouldn’t have had a clue about what was going on. Leigh Whannell references this during his Saw 3 commentary in that he would get people coming up to him and saying they didn’t understand Saw 3 because they’d not seen Saws 1 and 2. Leighs reaction to this was simple, “Who goes to see a film with a 3 in the title without seeing the first 2 films first” and I agree with that. Jigsaw ultimately duffers from this because, while it is an attempt to perform a form of series restart, the people who will get the most out of this film ARE Saw fans. The biggest hook to the series is and always will be Tobin Bell and without him, you simply don’t have a series so while I can appreciate what they were trying to do with the film and there were many directions they could have gone, their solution I found to be very predictable, very uninspired and more specifically, and this is why I have a bigger problem with the film than maybe I should, very damaging to the Saw mythology.

So here we go … my problem with Jigsaw. From here on out there will be heavy spoilers from not only Jigsaw, but nearly every single Saw film, give or take. You have been warned, tread carefully, follow your heart, follow the white rabbit (oh wait, that was the Matrix) … whatever ... spoilers ahead.

Right off the bat, when I heard there was going to be a new Saw many ideas went through my head about what they were going to do. Was it going to be a total reboot, a soft reboot, were they going to retcon some of the story? Were they going to introduce a long lost family member? I’ll be honest, at one point in the film, Jigsaw refers to his late nephew and in my head I immediately pictured either Jigsaw having an identical twin brother or a sister that we’d never heard of and then we’d have had a female Jigsaw taking over the reigns of the franchise. None of these appealed to me and NO, it’s NOT because I don’t think a woman can be scary, bla bla bla bla. My concern was I didn’t want would I deemed to be a cop out, long lost relative ending. Sarah, my fiancée, had other ideas though, as you can see below…

John Kramer has an identical twin brother who has been jealous of his brother’s successes all those years ago. He felt John’s moral crusade pointless and would rather just kill people he wanted to torture. This brother first made an appearance in Saw 1 where he was skulking around Jigsaw’s hideout but was caught by Tapp - it was not John Kramer to slashed Tapp’s throat but his evil twin brother. He now has long flowing hair and a curly moustache.

As he proceeds to murder his next victim through torture he plays Cascada’s “”What Hurts the Most” and reveals that he is going to take control of Jigsaw’s legacy and unleash his new name on the world: The Sudoku Killer.

However during this revelation the doors fly open and John Kramer appears, cloak billowing. He announces that he is still alive and not happy about the whole Sudoku game his brother has planned. To his brother’s horror, John reveals that when they were born , there was another brother, so they were actually identical triplets. The third brother was adopted due to financial limitations but John had found him years ago. He had worked with his secret brother to set his vision in motion, but then his brother had cancer and another game was created in which Jigsaw could create a legacy even after death. His brother took John Kramer’s identity and died of cancer, whilst John Kramer lived in the shadows like Batman. It seemed his work had left a lasting impression as his death created more followers to his cause. However his evil brother’s foray into his own murderous games caused Jigsaw to come out of retirement and put an end to his dastardly plans.

Grumpily, Jigsaw reveals that he now has to start his work up again to eradicate all the wrongdoing his brother has done. He admits ta he doesn’t really understand Sudoku puzzles. He leaves his brother in the room to die, while lay his brother twirls his moustache worriedly.

Thank you Sar she is very proud of her theory and it’s one of the many reasons I love her.

So anyway, we didn’t get the secret family member ending, although there is nothing to say this still won’t happen seeing as Logan clearly had help through the film but what we did get was the reveal of another secret apprentice is this is what I have a problem with. Firstly, it just feels lazy because it’s something we’ve seen twice before but also, there has been literally no build to this reveal. With Amanda, she was set up in Saw as a survivor so the revelation of her being an apprentice made some form of sense. With Hoffman, he was introduced in Saw 3, pocketing a piece of evidence and then in Saw 4, placed himself into the game so again, the revelation had a form of surprise but felt natural and given that Jigsaw had access to so many criminal files, it seemed like a natural fit that he would have a cop helping him. Here, they have to effectively screw with the entire lore of the Saw Universe by implying Logan was helping John from the beginning and this is where I have my biggest problem because, as I’ve said, it was the story that kept me coming back to Saw and it was the handling of the series from Saw 1 onwards that made me truly fall in love with said story. When they wrote the first Saw, James Wan and Leigh Whannell had no concept of a larger story of multiple sequels. They were just 2 guys trying to crack into the movie business. With the success of Saw, Saw 2 was immediately green lit and to get a jump on the production, they adapted a script from Darren Lynn Bousman with Leigh (and Tobin) adding in the Saw story. Saw 3 was green lit even before Saw 2 was released and with the release of Saw 3, the studio announced a Saw 4,5 and 6. This allowed the storytellers to plan their story long term and to sprinkle in teases that would build through the (as I originally called it) Hoffman trilogy with everything due to culminate in Saw 6. The backstory of John Kramer and his death and rebirth into Jigsaw is told through Saw 2 thorugh 6 and makes sense in the context of these films.

People have often asked why I love Saw 6 so much and it is for this very reason. Saw 6 pays off many of the long term threads that had been teased since Saw 3. This long term planning of these films allowed the film makers to take their time with the integration of Hoffman into the world. He was shown briefly in Saw 3, he is revealed in Saw 4 as the apprentice, Saw 5 then allows us to see the meeting of Jigsaw and Hoffman and Saw 6 is the ultimate fan reward as we see Jigsaw, Amanda and Hoffman all share the screen together. While this is undoubtedly fan service, it makes sense in the context of the story because now we, as an audience, have accepted Hoffman working with Jigsaw, it would be more than logical, given his physical size, strength and position within the police force, that he would have worked with and assisted both Jigsaw and Amanda. If the scene between Jigsaw, Amanda and Hoffman had been shown in Saw 4 it wouldn’t have had half the impact nor would it have meant as much because it would have felt like a complete shoe in with the creators dancing around with a board saying “Look Hoffman was involved”. By taking the time to establish Hoffman and his relationship with Jigsaw, we see the contrast between himself and Amanda. The Jigsaw/Amanda relationship was very much like a father and daughter, The Jigsaw/Hoffman relationship is very much built on business with Hoffman clearly suppressing his true inner psychopath until after Jigsaw has passed. With Jigsaw they basically fast track Logan into the series as a secret apprentice and immediately show him working alongside Jigsaw which ultimately hurts the story as it has been established since the original Saw. Now they do try to cover themselves by claiming Logan was a prisoner of war for 10 years but Logan also says Jigsaw gave him purpose after the war, so I’m at a loss here as to whether Logan (in this new series) was absent during the original series of events (as a POW) or if he was present because if he was, where the hell was he because the original series has covered the time line from John Kramer, budding father, to cancer patient, attempted suicide, rebirth as Jigsaw, his start as Jigsaw, every single game played during that series from Cecil trap right up to Saw 3D trap, from his death right up to Hoffmans imprisonment in the bathroom and it handled this about as perfectly as could be expected given how insane the timeline can seem.

Now Saw 6 WAS supposed to the culmination of all of these hanging story threads. It was supposed to end with Hoffmans death and close off the franchise but between Saw 5 and 6, the studio decided they wanted 2 more Saw films. This resulted in Hoffman (thankfully because he was now awesome) being spared but when Saw 6 was released it found itself at number 2 at the box office because of the first Paranormal Activity. In a panic, the studio cancelled Saw 8 and Saw 3D became a combination of an attempted Saw 7 and 8 story and was marketed as the Final Chapter which is one of the reasons it is such a convoluted mess. As I said, Saw 6 was due to close off many questions, which it did, with the major remaining question (the fate of Dr Gordon) still being up in the air due to the ongoing lawsuit between Elwes and the studio. During 5 (to my knowledge) the lawsuit between Cary Elwes  and the studio was settled and this allowed the series to bring Cary back to answer the series final question and it really WAS the series final question because Saw 6 had managed to wrap up pretty much everything. Fans went into 7 wondering what had happened to Dr. Gordon and hoping (because let’s face it, we were ALL on Hoffmans side here) Hoffman would get his revenge against Jill. As I’ve said, I’m not a fan of Saw 3D, although I loved the ending reveal that Gordon had been assisting Jigsaw for years, but it ultimately left fans with the biggest bitter pill to swallow in that we were robbed of what we had wanted for years, a movie dedicated to the battle of Hoffman vs Gordon. Face it, Hoffman had been built up as an uber bad ass since Saw V. This was a guy who had broken his own hand and ripped off half his face to escape the bear trap, he was also a man who set up a game involving being taken into a police station in a body bag just to get his hands on Jill Tuck. There was no way in hell he was going to stay in that bathroom. Eric Matthews broke his ankle to escape the shackle, Hoffman would damn near snap his foot off to get out of there.

Jigsaw, as it currently stands, almost seems to remove the entire Hoffman story from the Saw Lore. While Jill Tuck is mentioned, she was shown in Saw 3 so it might not seem as big a departure and when Jigsaw does appear, he is shown to still be wearing his wedding ring. My reason for thinking this is during the half way point of the film when Eleanor takes Logan to her warehouse which houses a number of Jigsaw traps. There’s the chest trap from Saw 3, the glass box trap and gun from Saw 2 and the reverse bear trap from the original Saw. As far as I can see (I may be wrong) there are no traps from the Hoffman series shown in this room. Now this might be the movies attempt to retcon any of the events of Saw 4 through 3D but this still hurts the story established in Saw 1 through 3 and, once again, leaves you questioning, again, what happened to Dr. Gordon. Now granted, what I deem to be the glass box trap from Saw 2 might actually be the water box trap from Saw V and if it is, I’ll be thrilled because it means the Hoffman series is still deemed canon, but it also raises the question as to whether Logan had any form of relationship or interaction with Amanda or Hoffman because, again, lets face it, Hoffman would have ground Logan into dust had they ever crossed paths. The nature of Logans message and whole MO seems to move away from what Jigsaw wanted as it was originally about cherishing your life with Jigsaw targeting people he had deemed to be unworthy of the gift of life. These were people he had either encountered through the clinic his wife worked at or through working with Hoffman and discovering criminals who were abusing the chances they had been gifted. Now, he seems to be speaking for the dead, which isn’t a far cry from what he says to William in Saw 6 “You think it's the living who have ultimate judgement over you, because the dead will have no claim over your soul.” but Logan now seems to have gone full Dexter and seems to be targeting out and out criminals with no real chance of survival. There is also the message of not coming from vengeance and yet, Logan seems to act out his game with vengeance in mind. People could argue about Jigsaw targeting Cecil out of vengeance in Saw 4 but the difference here is once Cecil was in his trap, Jigsaw does not touch him and Cecil has the opportunity to leave after freeing himself. In Jigsaw, after getting his confession, Logan kills Halloran, which is completely against what Jigsaw would want. The elaborate trap in the barn (complete with an electronic Billy with glowing eyes … a first for the series) also clashes with the trap lore because we’re made to believe that the trap in Jigsaw is from 10 years previous and indeed, we see Logan and Jigsaw making the reverse bear trap. The problem here? Saw 4 shows Jigsaw in his workshop, alone, working on his traps and his ideas. He has no one helping him and his first traps were very basic in design and execution. The trap he placed Cecil in was a knife trap, the bathroom trap was 2 people chained to a wall, the razor wire trap, barb wire maze. When exactly does this fit into the time line for Jigsaw to create such an elaborate trap at the start of his career, which Jigsaw leads us to believe was even BEFORE he placed Amanda into the reverse bear trap.

So yes, this is my main problem with Jigsaw. Even if it retcons the Hoffman series from the time line, it still leaves far more questions than it does answers that ultimately hurts the lore as it has been built. Was Logan aware of Amanda, was Amanda aware of Logan?

WHAT HAPPENED TO DR. GORDON...AGAIN!!!!

Now granted, all of these questions may be answered in future sequels as there does seem to be more story to tell so I guess we’ll see. Anyway, this was long and I’ve gone on for long enough and if you’ve reached the end of this then you deserve a cookie so go and grab one.

Night all.

[handsomewrites]

Catching Up With The Fastball - Ch.3

broken mornings, broken nights, and broken days in between. open ground, the sky is open, makes an open sea.

There's really nothing to live for, any more. But there is lunch.

“This is the common area,” Dr. Ludwig introduced, pushing a wheelchair full of Jeremy through a pair of swinging doors. The walls and floors were white, just like all the walls and floors, but they’d tried to make it a bit homier with a seafoam area rug. There were some couches, and some tables, and some bookshelves, and a TV. “You can come here whenever you like, once you are more... mobile. Or call a nurse to help you into a chair.”

There it was. Jeremy sighed, leaning back in the chair again. There was no respite from the constant reminders of his new disability.

“I suppose you could grab some books and take them back to your room, as well, if you wanted?” the Doc suggested. He was trying, to his credit.

“Not much of a reader.” Jeremy glanced over to the TV. “Could come in and watch some stuff, though. What day is it?”

“Hmm? It’s Friday. Why?” The Doc wheeled his chair over by the couches and handed him the remote.

“The Sox play the Jays tonight and tomorrow. I guess I could watch that.”

“You like baseball?”

Jeremy shrugged. “Yeah. I tried to get the rec center to start a baseball team, but not enough people were interested.” He flipped the game on. The Red Sox were up by six. There was a familiar spark of excitement in his chest, but smaller than before, and as he watched the men run the bases, it faded back to the inky black suction that he’d been feeling there lately.

“I have never understood sports,” Dr. Ludwig admitted, taking a seat on the couch. “Perhaps you could teach me.”

“...Yeah. I could’ve, maybe.” He watched the players--his heroes, the men he’d aspired to be as a child--for a few moments more. He felt the Doctor’s eyes boring into the side of his face, so he tried his best not to betray any emotion as he turned the set off and tossed the remote to him. “Well. We should finish the tour, right?”

“Hm. Yes, I suppose.” Doc stood, brushed some imaginary dust off his pants, and moved behind Jeremy’s chair to roll him away. “This is a good place to socialize, as well. It may help you feel better.”

“How many times do I gotta say I feel fine? As soon as my legs heal up I can roll on home, Doc.”

“What about prosthetics?”

Jeremy shook his head. “Can’t afford ‘em. I’m sure there’s someplace that’ll hire me in this chair, yeah?”

The doctor was quiet for a moment, chewing the inside of his lip. “...Well. Perhaps put a bit more thought into the possibility. We work with insurance plans and have some affordable payment options. But you have time to discuss these things with your mother.”

“I don’t gotta discuss it with Ma, neither. I’m an adult, you know. You been treatin’ me like a baby all this time, but it ain’t ‘cause I can’t take care of myself--”

“I know, Jeremy, I know.” He patted the boy on his shoulder, and Jeremy deflated a bit. “It’s just my job, is all.”

Jeremy turned his head to watch the rooms go by. They were in a different wing of the hospital, headed towards some other room--so far, they’d seen the waiting room, the ER (well, the doors to the ER, anyway, since they weren’t allowed inside), the morgue (doors again), and the common room. He wasn’t sure how much more there could be to see. It had been more fun than sitting in his room all day, at least.

“These rooms are really nice,” he pointed out.

The Doctor hummed. “Yes. This is the cancer wing. Sort of our ‘pride and joy,’ they say.”

“You don’t sound so proud and joyful, Doc.”

The older man rolled his eyes. “Yes, well, this isn’t my area. I think there’s too much money here and not enough everywhere else, but, eh, hospital politics.” They slowed to a stop in front of an elevator, and the Doctor pushed a button.

“Wait, these rooms all got TV’s in ‘em!”

“Hospital politics,” the Doctor repeated, exasperation in his voice.

“Well fuck dat,” Jeremy huffed, and the Doctor laughed.

The elevator dinged, and the two men boarded it and rode skyward.

---

Turns out, the doctor was leading him to an unused operating theatre. He stopped Jeremy’s wheelchair by the door and allowed him to steer it himself, walking across the wide open room to look over the instruments. There was a little sparkle in his eye that his patient hadn’t seen before.

Jeremy followed behind him, albeit slower since he was still getting used to wheeling himself, and peeked up to see what he was looking at.

“What’re those?”

The Doc shrugged. “Medical tools. I doubt you’d want to hear me explain all of them.”

“Well you can explain some,” Jeremy prodded. “I’ll stop you when I get bored.”

Doc hesitated, but acquiesed after a few moments under Jeremy’s gaze. “Well, I’m sure you’re familiar with a scalpel,” he started, holding the tool in question up for a moment. “Then there’s the clamps, which are, you know... Clamps. They hold things.”

“What sort’a things gotta be clamped in an operating room?”

“Well, skin. You need something to hold it back and away. Sometimes you use them to hold wounds closed.”

“Ew.”

Doc giggled, which wasn’t a word Jeremy expected to apply to a man like the Doc, but it was cuter than a chuckle and smaller than a laugh. He also hadn’t expected to think the Doc cute, but the smile on his face definitely was.

“You’ve seen this before,” he said as he held up a curved needle. “It’s curved to make sewing flesh easier. Then this,” he held up what looked like a tiny pair of scissors, but with very tiny dulled blades, “is a pair of forceps. For grabbing.” Next he held up a fork with curved tines. “Retractor. For pulling fleshy bits aside. I prefer to use my fingers, but sometimes the space is too small, you know, to stick a finger in there, so you need something smaller to put in...”

Jeremy smiled a little at the Doctor’s enthusiasm, even if it was a bit... weird. He couldn’t imagine putting his fingers in a person’s organs, but Doc seemed to enjoy doing it.

He rummaged around in the drawers, humming. “Suction tubes pull blood out of the way,” he explained, “and--oh! Here are the bone drills!” He pulled out an intimidating looking device, grinning over at Jeremy.

Jeremy gave him a hesitant smile back. “You really dig this stuff, huh?”

Doc gave a hum, shrugging as he put the drill away. “Well, yes. I do. Surgery is my specialty. I sometimes wish I could do it more, but that’s not really a thing you can say to patients, is it?” He laughed, with a bit of a strange edge to it. Jeremy felt like he should probably be afraid of it, but he wasn’t. He laughed along with the Doctor, and he actually felt like smiling, for real.

“Hmmm. Yes, well. Are you hungry, Jeremy?”

“Huh? Uh, I guess I could eat.” He shrugged. “Not... You don’t have somethin’ squirreled away in here, do ya?”

The Doc laughed again, and it brought another small smile to Jeremy’s face. “No, no, of course not. I did think we could have lunch together, though. If you’d like?”

Jeremy shrugged again. “Sounds good to me. Lead the way, Doc.”

---

Lunch was... well, not terrible . It reminded Jeremy of high school cafeteria lunches: once-frozen chicken patties on almost-expired buns, with slightly soggy french fries and juice, not soda.

“I miss soda,” Jeremy lamented, looking at the juice can with a longing frown.

“You’ve only been awake for a few days without it,” Doc pointed out.

“Yeah, well, I usually drink, like, three a day.”

“That’s... terrible for your health. It will rot your organs from the inside and your teeth from your head, not to mention what the caffeine is doing to your heart--”

“Yeah, yeah, well. Somethin’s gotta kill me, right?” Jeremy shrugged, sipping his juice.

Doc just frowned. “I suppose we all have our vices,” he acquiesced.

“Even you, Doc?” Jeremy smirked, and Doc rolled his eyes.

“Yes, even me.” His patient wiggled his eyebrows, and he scoffed. “I doubt you really want to hear about what sort of habits I’ve acquired over the years. I’d rather talk about you, actually.” Jeremy seemed to deflate a little, but Doc pushed forward nonetheless. “What does your mother do? I haven’t seen her come by as often as she used to.”

Jeremy gave an owlish blink, taken off-guard by the question. “Oh. I thought you were gonna talk about, like... medical stuff. Like my legs or whatever.” Doc shrugged. “Well, uh. She works at Kroger’s most, and also at Sears, but she had to get an extra job and a few more shifts to pay for...” He waved his hand vaguely. “What, you into my Ma?”

Doc snorted. “Not at all. I just was wondering where she’d gone, is all. Any siblings?”

“Seven, actually.” At the doctor’s surprised look, Jeremy laughed. “They’re all older,” he explained, “and most of ‘em have moved away. Nicky’s still nearby-- he has a wife, but no kids.” He started counting off on his fingers. “Then there’s Finny teachin’ at a college upstate, Billy in the military, Vick in jail, Ronnie who owns a bar, Tony who’s a stay-at-home dad now, and Donnie wit’ his garage.”

“Gracious. Your mother is a... tenacious woman.”

“That’s one way’a puttin’ it,” Jeremy agreed with a snort. “She just... has a habit of hookin’ up with the wrong kind’a guy, you know? An’ she thinks it’s gonna last, an’ they end up hurtin’ her.” He frowned into his juice. “I try to tell her, but she don’ listen.” A few moments passed, then the boy looked up from his drink with his smile back in place. “But yeah. Eight boys. Two of ‘em are twins, too. Lord knows we didn’t make it easy for her, neither.”

“I’d imagine,” Doc said with a laugh. “Children are hellions when they aren’t in a pack like yours.”

“Plus we had all that energy holed up in a lil apartment in the city,” Jeremy added. “She’s a good Ma, though. Always tried real hard for us.” He trailed off, then seemed to remember something. “Hey, can I ask you questions back?”

“Sure, I suppose, though I can’t always promise you answers.” Jeremy frowned, and Doc shrugged. “I’m sure there are things you wouldn’t tell me, aren’t there?”

“...Alright, that’s fair, I guess. But, uh, howcome you got so much time to hang around me?”

Doc hesitated for a long time. “How do you mean?”

“Like, you got other patients, donchu? Shouldn’t you be, like, busy?”

“Well...” He hummed. “The short answer is, ah, no? You remember how nice the cancer wing was, yes?” Jeremy nodded. “Well, that’s this hospital’s specialty. Cancer. Specifically, bone cancer, as well as bone and blood diseases such as sickle cell. People come to this hospital from around the world to seek treatment for these things. But I’m a trauma surgeon, with a specialty in reconstruction and orthopedic. And I’m not the only trauma surgeon, so it’s sort of like we’re sharing the few trauma patients among us, and most are in and out...

"Plus, I like you. You have a lot of..." He continued, idly motioning with his hand as he searched for the right word. "Spirit."

Jeremy had a light dusting of a blush across his cheeks, and though he didn’t betray the fact that he noticed it, Doc thought it brought out the light freckles on his cheeks very nicely.

The Doc looked at him seriously, but with a softness in his features. “I want to help you find your spirit again.”

Jeremy was quiet for a while, staring at his empty tray. He didn’t look up when he spoke again. “...Sorry, Doc. My... spirit... was running. Running was what I did, it was what made me happy. But now I can’t even walk . Maybe we could make prosthetics work, but just one pair, not enough to have them sporty ones, you know? So it’s just... over.” He shrugged, then looked up at the Doctor, a weak smile on his face, his eyes dull. “Sometimes I think it’d be better if... I dunno. Ma’s in all this debt. I don’t really got anything, now. I just wish everything had happened different... Maybe Ma’d be good with seven kids.”

With that, he rolled his chair back from the table, grabbed his tray and clumsily rolled his way over to the trash can. Doc sighed, leaning his cheek on his hand and his elbow on the table. He pushed his fries around on his tray with a plastic fork, thoughtful.

Only a few moments passed before he saw Jeremy wheeling back over to his table. “Uh, that would’a been a cool exit and all, but I don’t actually know how to get back to my room from here. So, uh. If you could...” He scratched the back of his neck.

Doc smiled and stood with a nod. “Of course.”

#catching up with the fastball #mediscout #tf2 #i updated on ao3 bc i forgot it wasn't saturday. so. here's this.

[we-hear-her]

Introducing Emily

**Disclaimer: This story, though powerful and incredible, contains content that some might be sensitive to. This story talks about depression, anxiety and a survivor's suicide attempt. At the end of the story, we provide resources that Emily herself used that may be helpful for others suffering. If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression or suicide please call the national suicide hotline: [phone] or 911 if you feel you are in immediate crisis**

I am so excited to introduce Emily to all of you. I actually started following Emily, on social media, a couple years ago because she was very open about her journey through depression.

I took notice of how honest and up front she was being on social media and I loved how real and authentic she was.

What made you share your journey on social media?

"Well, in 2014 I was in the hospital for an attempt. I went to my first Suicide Prevention walk that year with some friends from work. I guess after like a year and a half. I was like fuck it, if I can help other people by sharing my story then my job here is done. Having other people share their story with me helped so much by having me realize I'm not alone."

That's awesome. Do you think social media is a good outlet then?

"Sometimes, sharing my story has been great. I've had so many people reach out to me telling me they feel the same and it's nice not to feel alone. I try to be open on all my social media. This is real life shit, this is not a fairy tale. But honestly, social media in general can get overwhelming for me too. I will scroll endlessly and even though I try to shut off the feelings of envy because I'm not where I want to be in my life right now, it's hard. I actually have a timer set for social media so I can only have 1.5 hrs of social media."

I totally envy your self control ha! But I agree, there definitely is a positive to social media. We can share our real life struggles and we can connect with others who feel the same way so easily. That's such a great feeling. But it's hard to create that balance of enjoying social media without overusing it.

Do you feel like you've always felt like this or was their an onset?

"In middle school I started to notice I felt off and weird. I had a lot happening in 7th grade. My best friend moved away and I started getting bullied. Girls were writing in text books about me and also had a notebook they’d pass around to write about people. They would also write on Formspring calling me different names and telling me to kill myself. My mom got diagnosed with cancer. There was way too much going on and my family doesn't talk about stuff like this. It just kept building until it just felt like too much. But I wondered, does everyone feel this way? Is this normal? maybe it will go away?"

I can't believe girls wrote that to you. That's awful. I mean ultimately, you know now that they bullied you because they were upset with something in their own lives and that it wasn't about you. But it's hard to justify that to someone who is being bullied, that people bully because there is something wrong in their own lives and that it has nothing to do with the person who is being bullied. Because ultimately, it eventually feels like it's your fault that you did something wrong when really you didn't, the other person is just reacting to something in their own heads.

"Yeah, I completely get that now."

I always felt like depression, anxiety, suicide and other mental health issues weren't really talked about when I was growing up. Do you feel the same way?

"Yeah, I mean, I never knew anyone personally in my circle that had gone through it and/or no one talked about it. So ultimately, nobody knew I was going through what I was going through. I remember the week my attempt happened. I had gone to my college to withdrawal from a couple of classes because I felt too overwhelmed. The counselor there told me to take a couple days and think it over. Even though I kept telling her no, she wouldn't let me. Then, the next morning, I came downstairs from my bedroom, and I was like pacing back and forth, looking for something to end it all. I took as much Tylenol in the container that I had but it wasn’t enough, luckily. I got enough courage to drive myself to the college to seek help and as soon as I got to the office, I just lost it. The counselor there gave me an ultimatum of either getting in the back of a police car to be transported to the crisis center or to call my parents who had no idea that I was even depressed. In the end I chose not to get in the back of a cop car in front of all my peers and to have her call my parents. It was the most silent and uncomfortable ride over to the crisis center. From there, they admitted me to carrier clinic for a week. It was really helpful but also really overwhelming. I met a lot of people from different walks of life dealing with lots of other mental health issues while I was trying to get myself better. I was then transitioned to outpatient therapy at Princeton House for a couple months. From there I started to find other ways to help me cope.

How do you cope now?

"I've been going to my brothers to work out on the treadmill lately or I'll walk in the park by myself and reflect on things. It's my "me time". Every once in a while I'll drive down to the beach and take a walk. Sometimes I just need the ocean, haha. I also have an app for guided meditation. I'll light some candles, lay down in my bed and go into the app. Of course I have to be careful not to fall asleep with candles lit ha. But it does help me calm down. When shit gets really overwhelming, I'll text one of my friends that will let me talk to them and it helps distract me. Usually that happens in the middle of the night. if I can't get in touch with anyone, like I couldn't the other night, I just got myself out of bed and took a drive..blasted some music and felt better."

Ooh, what did you blast? What's your go-to "feel better" music?

"Most of the time it's Billie Eilish. Her voice is incredible."

I love this! But yeah, as someone who also suffers from mental illness, I've found lots of coping techniques. My go to is a hot bath but sometimes I go through periods of time where things that help me don't help me and I don't know what to do. Meditation has personally always been difficult for me. What about you? Have you ever felt like that?

"It's trial and error for everything, therapy, meds and apps. I have a lot of apps that I have tried over the years. I actually stopped taking medicine back in 2016, I eventually didn't like the way I felt."

I've definitely gone through that with anxiety medicines too. I go through periods where I find it's totally necessary to get evened out but then eventually I will feel like I need to But, do you feel like taking medicine was right for you at the time you started in 2014?

"Yes, I think it was necessary. It really helped balance me out"

You mentioned your friends are a big support system for you. I'm guessing you've opened up to them about everything.

"Yeah, it was hard at first to open up but now I feel so lucky to have them. Like, sometimes I don't wanna go out of my house. I've canceled so many times on my friends. I'm lucky my friends get it now. They used to be like "ugh, you never go out with us". Now, they will sometimes force me out because they know I need it or they'll understand I need to stay in and will just come over, lay in bed with me and watch movies."

That's awesome, yeah, if I could I think I would just Netflix in bed all day, every day ha.

What about your parents? You mentioned they don't really open up about their feelings, have things changed, at least for you since the attempt?

"I still don't talk to my parents so much about it. They just weren't raised like that, talking about stuff like this. But I know that if I needed them, they fully support me. I did start talking about this with my brother though."

Yeah, I totally know how you feel. I like that you understand that about them though and still know that you still have their full support.

Do you feel like you've changed your mindset since your attempt?

"Yes, I understand a lot more about how I'm feeling. I know that the feelings go away. Most of the time if I know if I just go to sleep and wake up the next morning, the feeling will go away. I will wake up and think, "I made it through another day", and that is a good feeling. I know those bad feelings are temporary and I just keep going. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some weeks are good!"

Yeah, I feel the same way with my anxiety. I go through periods of time where the anxiety will get really bad but ultimately, I know the feelings are temporary. I know it goes away. It's really important to share the message, the feelings can come and go but they are temporary and you have to just keep going!

Now approaching 5 years since your attempt, it sounds like you're in a much better place. You've really come to a place of acceptance of who you are and what you deal with. Do you ever feel like you would do something like that again?

"So, this last year I had two good friends pass away who I felt were some of my biggest cheerleaders. Just a lot of feelings of loss. But no, like I said, I know the feelings are temporary and I hold on to that. I know that if I just keep going, I will be okay. I will get through it."

I'm sorry for your loss but I love the way you're handling it. I'm not sure you realize it, but you're doing so well. And I agree, if you keep moving, you will get through it.

So, what's next for you? Do you have goals, short goals or big goals?

"I feel like my main smaller goals are to be more open and honest and do things for myself. I'm very much a yes person but at the end of the day I think, "What have I done for me?". That's what I want to work on for this year. For big goals, I want to travel somewhere by myself."

Okay, my last question: Do you have any advice you would give someone like yourself in middle school?

"As long as you're happy and you're not hurting anyone, keep doing it. And just be yourself, because life is too short to be anything else."

Totally agreed, now show me some of these apps!

The apps Emily uses are:

Headspace

7cups

Color Therapy

Motivation Quotes

Pacifica

If you or someone you know is are suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts call the free and confidential suicide prevention hotline: [phone]

Emily was treated at the following:

https://www.princetonhcs.org Princeton House

https://carrierclinic.org Carrier Clinic

http://www.mccc.edu/student_services_counseling.shtml Mercer County Community College Counseling Services

#anxiety #depression #mentalhealth #mental health #mental health awareness #suicide #suicide survivor #survivior #tough #strong #believe #girls #women #empower women #support #natural cure #hollistic #healing #self care #therapy #help #suicideprevention #inspiration #inspirational quotes #quotes #empower #empowerment #future is female #apps #seek help

[buffster]

Lie To Me (BTVS 2.07)

This is part of my ongoing Buffy Project, where I write notes/meta for every episode in an attempt to better understand the characters and themes of the show. You can find the full list here. Gifs are not mine.

You might think the Angelus arc begins after Surprise, but you would be wrong. Take a closer look and you will see the foundation at the very beginning of season two. Some Assembly Required, Inca Mummy Girl, Lie To Me, The Dark Ages, and Ted all have Buffy dealing with villains that are complicated. They have a story. They have reasons. Or they have ties to people with them. As Buffy says later, “It’s always different.” This season is teaching her that there are times when the complications don’t matter. She has a job to do.

Buffy: Nothing’s ever simple anymore. I’m constantly trying to work it out. Who to love or hate. Who to trust. 

Buffy must reconcile many complications in this episode. She learns more about Angel’s past. A group of misguided teens get themselves into trouble that they’re kind of asking for. Her friends lie to her and work with Angel behind her back. And her old friend from school tries to have her killed. With each situation Buffy must decide whether people are deserving of her rescue and forgiveness.

When Buffy sees Drusilla and Angel talking intimately she demands to know who she is. First, in a sort of unfair moment, Angel asks if Buffy loves him. She admits that she does but she doesn’t know if she trusts him. Angel says maybe she “shouldn’t do either”. He tells the story of Drusilla: she was an obsession of his. She was pure, sweet, and chaste. He made her insane by killing everyone she loved and doing other unspeakable things. Then, when she took her vows to become a nun, he turned her. I’m so anxious to write this Angel/Angelus essay ugh SO MANY THOUGHTS. 

Drusilla must seriously hate Buffy. If she was a bit more focused she probably would have spent a lot of energy trying to take her down. Then again, maybe she just saw that it wouldn’t work out in her favor. 

The vampire-worshipping teens Buffy deems worthy of saving. They’re misguided and ignorant but not evil. Angel mentions that he’s seen people like them before and that doesn’t surprise me. This is the first time we see the girl later named Anne. Their hangout has “safe space” vibes. “Anne” is extremely distressed when Angel criticizes her beliefs.

When Angel’s gut tells him not to trust Ford (is he jealous? Yes. But I also think part of Angel’s character is his gut instinct) he goes to Willow. Willow agrees to help him and invites him into her bedroom, an act she’ll come to regret later. But for a few moments they’re actually talking in what seems to be the start of a relationship.

Buffy’s old high school friend Billy Fordham comes to Sunnydale (and they were obviously close; see his knowing she used to like Oreos dunked in apple juice) wishing to be turned into a vampire. To do it he’s willing to make a deal with Spike that will have Buffy killed. At first Buffy is all righteous anger, but when she learns Ford is dying of cancer it throws her. She gives him the opportunity to repent but when he doesn’t she leaves him to die. This one she decides she cannot save.

Ford’s storyline reminded me a bit of Ampata’s. Both characters were meant to show us an example of a teenager dealt a crappy hand and handling it all wrong. Buffy chose to rise above her deal. Ampata and Ford chose themselves. Buffy inspires me as a hero because she chooses to look at people with compassion even though she can’t empathize with their bad choices. She says Billy was just scared and lays flowers at his grave even as she prepares to stake him. Trying to be both Buffy and the hardened Slayer is something she struggles with throughout the series. She can’t ignore her duties but she doesn’t want to be dead inside.

Let’s finish up by talking about Spike and Drusilla this episode. Spike agrees to turn Ford despite hating him, a decision I don’t think he ever planned to go through with. In a very Angelus-like move, he forces Buffy to kill her friend by turning him into a vampire rather than just draining him. 

Buffy: Does it ever get easy?

Giles: You mean life?

Buffy: Yeah, does it get easy?

Giles: What do you want me to say?

Buffy: Lie to me.

Giles: Yes, it’s terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true. The bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats. And, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies and everyone lives happily ever after.

Buffy: Liar.

Character Notes:

Willow Rosenberg: After she starts talking about sore thumbs not even sticking out, Xander tells Willow she has too many thoughts. I could relate to her there.

Willow/Angel: These two rarely cross paths. It would have been neat to see their relationship in season six had Angel stuck around.

Buffy Summers: Buffy tells Ford that if he’s turned a demon will set up shop in his body but it won’t be him. This distinction is important for Buffy because it makes it easier for her to kill vampires and it convinces her Angel and Angelus are totally separate beings.

Spike: Spike’s badass demeanor is diminished by his clear subservience to Dru. He listens when she instructs him to let Billy live.

Xander Harris: Though Xander doesn’t have feelings for Willow, he still seems upset Angel was in her bedroom. It’s possible he’s just protective and not jealous when he makes all these comments to Buffy.

#lietome #s2 #drusilla #spike #angel #buffy summers #xander harris #willow rosenberg #rupert giles #billy fordham #buffy/angel #angel/drusilla #Anne steele #joss whedon

[biofunmy]

Battling Their Way Into the U.S. Open

In her pretournament news conference on Friday, the defending United States Open champion Naomi Osaka was asked about her early experience at tennis’ major championships.

“My first Slam was qualies here,” Osaka said of the Open’s 128-player qualifying tournament, which allows lower-ranked players a chance to earn one of the remaining coveted spots — 16 each for men and women — in the main draw. “But we don’t count qualies.”

Osaka lost in the second round of qualifying in 2015, but the official U.S. Open record book has no mention of that.

“At the end of the day, your career is measured by how many Grand Slam main draws you played in,” said Eric Butorac, the director of pro tennis operations and player relations for the United States Tennis Association, who as a player never qualified in singles at the Open. “People don’t look at the qualifying the same way they do a main draw match. It’s a real status thing.”

The difference between qualifying and main draw starts with prize money. A third-round loser in qualifying pockets $32,000, but a first-round appearance in the main draw nets a player a minimum of $58,000 this year.

Main draw players also receive perks such as a chauffer-driven Mercedes-Benz and $400 per day for living expenses. Qualifying participants get $300 per day and a shuttle bus from the U.S.T.A. Billie Jean King National Tennis Center to one of three New York City hotels.

One of the most coveted perks for main draw participants is a visit to the gift redemption center, or the so-called swag suite, next to the player lounge. There they receive $1,100 worth of merchandise, which might include a Herschel backpack, a silver Tiffany necklace (or card case), a Nordstrom gift card, Bose noise-masking earbuds or other luxury items.

For those who lose in the final round of qualifying, it can’t feel good to see an opponent walking around the grounds wearing a cashmere scarf, as a reminder that they just missed out.

“I get nauseous watching these last rounds of qualifying at a major,” the broadcaster Mary Carillo said. “The most pressure-fraught matches they may ever play will be in these rounds. I feel so much for these young kids who are trying to get into their first major. I see a lot of double faults in those matches.”

On Friday, the last day of qualifying, across 14 courts at the National Tennis Center, 64 players in 32 matches shared one goal: win and reach the main draw. Here are some of their stories.

3:25 p.m.

Jenson Brooksby d. Pedro Martínez

Starting an hour and a half late because of a rain delay, Brooksby, an 18-year-old Californian also known as J.T., won and became the only American man to reach the main draw through qualifying. Last year, Brooksby got a wild card into the main draw when he won the junior national championship in Kalamazoo, Mich. He lost in the first round to the Australian John Millman, who went on to upset Roger Federer in the round of 16.

Brooksby could have competed in Kalamazoo again this year, but he opted for the challenge of U.S. Open qualifying. He played before a packed house of more than 1,500 on Court 11.

“I just felt like I had worked so hard, I was a year older and I felt ready,” Brooksby said after he defeated Martínez, a 22-year-old from Spain, 6-3, 6-7 (4), 6-3. “Coming through qualies is incredibly tough. I’ve never played in front of a crowd this big.”

Brooksby led by 5-3 and served for the match at 5-4 in the second set, only to double-fault on break point. After a brief rain delay in which both players stayed on court, Brooksby dropped the tiebreaker. He then sat in his chair while Martínez called the trainer. Brooksby removed his baseball cap and repeatedly ran his fingers through his hair.

“He’s emotional,” his coach, Joe Gilbert, said. “This is probably the biggest match he’s ever played.”

Brooksby is expected to play collegiate tennis at Baylor starting in January, assuming he maintains his amateur status. That would mean turning down at least $58,000 in prize money here. As of Friday, he was not sure what he would do.

3:48 p.m.

Jannik Sinner d. Mario Vilella Martínez

Sinner, an 18-year-old Italian, barely broke into a smile as he dispatched Vilella Martínez, a 24-year-old from Spain, 7-6 (1), 6-0. Both men were trying to qualify at a major for the first time.

Sinner, who won an ATP Challenger event in Lexington, Ky., two weeks ago, waved his racket to the crowd on Court 11 and trundled off the court. He had nothing to say.

4:18 p.m.

Jiri Vesely d. Paolo Lorenzi

Lorenzi and Vesely battled for more than three and a half hours on Court 15. Lorenzi, a 37-year-old Italian, was ranked No. 33 in the world two years ago and reached the round of 16 here in that same year. But now he was exhausted and fighting for his life in the qualifying tournament.

Vesely, a 26-year-old Czech who was ranked No. 35 in 2015, served for the match at 6-4, 5-3, 30-30. He held a match point in the third set. He finally won, 6-4, 5-7, 7-6 (2) when Lorenzi missed a backhand into the net. Vesely roared like a lion for a full two minutes.

“It was just for relief,” said Vesely, who admitted to looking forward to shedding the shuttle bus for a courtesy car. “The whole match I felt really tight. This is so much harder than playing the main draw, especially because I felt like I was expected to win every round. I really put pressure on myself. Right now, I’m just so happy and proud of how I finished.”

4:55 p.m.

Sumit Nagal d. Joao Menezes

Neither Nagal nor Menezes, both 22, had ever qualified at a major. Nagal, from India, had won only three Challenger-level matches on hardcourts all year. Menezes, from Brazil, won the gold medal in singles at the Pan American Games in Peru two weeks ago. His total career prize money before this week was just $78,271, and he had never even played qualies at a major before.

When Nagal came back to beat Menezes, 5-7, 6-4, 6-3, he threw his racket to the ground and thrust both arms into the air. After a huge fist pump he trotted over to his coach, and the two shared a long embrace.

Nagal was overwhelmed by fans after the win. They screamed for selfies and autographs, following him down the hall toward the locker room after he left the court.

“It’s a Slam,” Nagal said, shrugging off the extra attention. “When you do well, everyone comes at you.”

For him, reaching the main draw meant not only the chance to continue playing, but income that can translate into job security. He plans to invest his earnings into his training.

“You barely make money and break even,” he said. “Now at least I have something so I can last for a few more months.”

But his U.S. Open may last only a few more days. Nagal’s first-round opponent? Roger Federer, on Monday night.

7:19 p.m.

Peng Shuai d. Nicole Gibbs

With the sun setting and the lights up on Court 6, Gibbs looked over and saw Peng sprawled by her courtside chair, trainers tending to her cramping body.

At that point, Peng, a 33-year-old from China who was a semifinalist in the 2014 Open, had already proven her resilience. She had defeated her American opponent, 6-3, 4-6, 6-3, in 2 hours 14 minutes, advancing to the main draw.

Yet for Gibbs, a 26-year-old Californian who reached the third round of the Open in 2014, simply competing at the National Tennis Center this summer was also a display of fortitude. In May, a routine visit to the dentist led to the discovery of a rare salivary gland cancer, followed by an operation and a two-month hiatus from the tour for Gibbs.

After some stitches came loose, Gibbs was forced to use a feeding tube for a month, instead of the expected two days. All the while, she kept up her off-court training.

“The week from diagnosis until we knew it was contained was really rough,” said Paul Gibbs, Nicole’s father, who sat courtside to watch her try to make the Open main draw in just her fourth tournament back. “But I think it gave her a little more perspective on what’s important in life.”

On Friday, Gibbs chased down seemingly impossible retrievals and chastised herself for every missed ball. When the match was over, Gibbs sat in her chair for a bit, then got up, waved to the crowd, signed a few autographs and disappeared behind the court.

About an hour later, Gibbs earned one of the five so-called lucky-loser spots in the main draw — positions that open up after withdrawals and go to the highest-ranked players who lose in the last round of qualifying.

On Tuesday, Gibbs will play fourth-seeded Simona Halep, who won Wimbledon last month. There is a glimmer of hope: As the No. 1 seed last year, Halep lost in the first round.

Danielle Allentuck contributed reporting.

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