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we-hear-her · 5 years

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Angela’s Story

**Disclaimer: This post discusses miscarraige in great detail. Those who are sensitive to this subject are advised!

“When bad things happen, it feels a lot like watching a wildfire sweep through a beautiful landscape. At first all I could see was destruction. The life we had worked so hard to build was being demolished before my eyes could process what was happening. How could this happen to me? But then something changed. I started to see the beauty in that wildfire – I started seeing the potential. Fire invigorates and nourishes the land. Likewise, the tragedy of losing a child has proved that I am stronger than I ever imagined. I emerged from the flames with a new perspective on my life.” -Angela

When I first met Angela we were at a climbing gym in Philadelphia. I could tell instantly that she was a good and kind person. At the time Angela was working a 9-5 job and had just started dating her now husband. A couple weeks ago, I noticed Angela had posted a very personal story on her Facebook page and when I saw what she wrote, I knew her story needed to be shared.

Not long after I met them, Angela and her husband eventually got sick of the city life, sitting in traffic and working 60+ hrs a week to make a paycheck. They had a dream about traveling in a van and made that happen. They got married and eventually started thinking about starting a family.

“When my husband and I found out we were pregnant, we were thrilled, nervous, excited and a little surprised (we only actually “tried” once!).”

As they live in a van, they thought they would have more time before welcoming a little one into the world, time they would use to find a place to settle down. They realized they were against the clock so they started bee-lining across the states to find a place to call home for their growing family.

At 8 weeks pregnant, Angela and her husband were in Bend, Oregon. They had hoped to find a home in Bend but to no avail. They decided before they left Bend they would head to the clinic that offered free, first trimester ultrasounds since they did not have health insurance yet. Everyone, including the doctors and staff at the clinic were thrilled for them.

“We went back for the Ultrasound and got the news: the baby was surely in there, but was only measuring at 6 weeks and 2 days gestational age. At this point I knew something was very wrong. My body runs like clockwork, and I am meticulous about keeping track of my cycle – down to when I ovulate and when we have sex. I knew the baby should be bigger. They told us that the heart rate was very slow at only 69 BPM.”

The doctors at the clinic urged them to go to urgent care as the mood quickly changed from excitement to dread. Angela’s would not carry to term. At urgent care, the doctors explained that they had the choice to medically terminate or that her body would naturally miscarry. Little did they know what that would really mean emotionally and physically. Since they had no insurance and the procedure was very costly, they chose to let nature take its course and move on.

They decided to continue on their 13 hour tearful journey to their next destination, Jackson, Wyoming. They spent days grieving, communicating with each other, and doing as much research on the subject as they could. The internet provided little information and as Angela lost the symptoms she felt being pregnant, she thought things were resolving themselves and that it would happen sooner rather than later. But 2 weeks went by, and they questioned whether the doctors read the ultrasound incorrectly.

**Angela describes the symptoms of her miscarriage in great detail at this point. Please move to the end if this is a sensitive topic for you.**

“Eventually I started cramping and passed some clots (this is where it starts to get really graphic). The cramps came and went with some light spotting. A few days later I started bleeding like a normal period, with accompanying cramps like a normal period. This continued for a full day before it got real. I thought that might be all it was, considering that the baby was only the size of a pea. Maybe it would be like a heavy period.

We went to bed around midnight after having dinner with some friends. My cramping had gotten a bit worse, but I was prepared for that. I woke up 2 hours later feeling sick to my stomach, shaky and in tremendous pain. Joe got up to take the dogs out, and when he came back in I fainted in the bed. When I came around, I thought I was going to vomit and I was beginning to bleed heavily. We went to the ER, got checked in, and I began vomiting, and passing large blood clots in between contractions. They drew blood, gave me an IV of fluid and gave me some pain meds (which did nothing for the type of pain I was experiencing). I must commend the doctor and nurses who took care of me for being so gentle and compassionate. They shared their own stories of miscarriage and did their best to make me comfortable. I am grateful for the care they provided.

We left the hospital at around 5:30am and checked into a hotel because I was still having contractions that lasted for about 1 minute and were about 3-5 minutes apart. By the time we got inside the hotel room the contractions had gotten much more intense. I needed help getting to and from the bathroom from bed. When I sat on the toilet, it sounded like I was peeing, but I wasn’t. There was blood pouring out of me, followed by a golf ball sized blood clot. This happened for another 8 hours – during which I was also evacuating in every other way. We almost went back to the ER because of the amount of blood I was passing.

I had pretty constant extreme cramping for the following 2 hours before we got a 20 minute break when we could finally fall asleep. I woke up in a pool of blood writhing in pain. I passed more clots, and finally sometime in the afternoon I passed a few more and the cramping finally eased. It came and went for the next few hours until it finally subsided. At some point during this 14 hours of misery, I had to send Joe to the store to get diapers because I just couldn’t sit on the toilet anymore, and a diaper was the only way I would be able to lay down without ruining all of my clothes. Eventually, the bleeding diminished to that of a normal period, and I could eat some Ritz crackers and ice cream.

Why don’t we talk about this, ladies? Personally, I wish I had known what could happen. If it ended up just being like a heavy menstrual cycle I would have considered myself lucky, and still clueless to the pain of other women. The physical experience blindsided me. I felt very alone (despite my extremely supportive husband, who didn’t leave my side). I didn’t feel the sisterhood backing me up. I didn’t know if I could withstand any more. At one point I was begging God to please make it stop (that’s when I got my 20 minute nap)."

There was a point during this ordeal when I wasn’t sure if I was going to ever want to try to get pregnant again. I don’t think all miscarriages are as physically traumatic as mine felt. Reading about it on the Internet makes it sound like a lot of women basically get a heavy period and move on, go to work the next day like nothing happened. Is there a secret macho ladies club that I don’t know about? Did I get sandbagged? Am I just a huge wimp?”

I definitely don't think you are a wimp! I can't imagine going through what you have described. I think everyone’s body reacts differently. And you're totally right, why aren't we sharing this with each other? Why aren't we creating a circle of openness and understanding?

In light of everything going on with women’s health and access to safe medical procedures, what are your thoughts having being touched by this experience?

“I believe that all women have a right to reproductive health care - in my case any affordable health care would have been a game changer - I ended up with $5,000 in medical bills from the emergency room visit. Women’s health is so widely debated by politicians these days, who have no right to be part of that conversation, and shouldn’t decide the fate of our bodies.”

“We deserve better.”

What keeps you moving every day? What coping techniques have you used, if any, to help aid in your recovery mentally, emotionally and physically?

“My husband has been really great at motivating me to keep going. Also being in the mountains, in a peaceful and beautiful place helps. Patience with myself has been key to physically recovering - not pushing myself too hard, and allowing myself to rest when I need it. Mentally and emotionally I have been trying to let myself feel the emotions and thoughts about my loss, and then let them go or turn it into a positive. I also keep reminding myself that I carry my baby with me in my heart always, and that is comforting.”

So what now? What are you guys up to?

"I am actually bar tending at a small steak house in Wyoming. My husband and I are living the simple life, taking things one day at a time, enjoying every moment. We get to wake up every day and climb, hike, bike, fish and play with our pups!"

Do you guys have some goals for the future? Have you changed your plans after your ordeal?

"Our goals for the near future include buying a house, having a baby, and settling into small town life with some chickens and goats in the mountains."

That sounds amazing, so one last thing. Do you have any advice for other mothers who have miscarried and lost their babies?

“Don’t suffer alone. Lean on the people around you. Find gratitude in the things you gain and the things you learn from your loss - there is always something positive that you can hold on to, even in the darkest times. I just hope that maybe reading my story would help another woman prepare herself. I read so many stories during the two weeks that I waited to miscarry. Not one gave me a sense of the physical pain I would endure.”

A HUGE thank you again to Angela for sharing this incredibly personal story with us!

#We Hear Her #Miscarriage #Women's Health #Women's Rights #Empowerment #Inspirational #Inspirational quotes #empowering quotes #feminism #blog #women's blog #girls #women #sisterhood #female #health #strength #climbing #van life

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we-hear-her · 5 years

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Introducing Jamie

As a daddy’s girl, Jamie wanted to be just like her father.

“He became my best friend. I learned everything and anything from him, from self-respect, how to treat others, to street and book smarts.”

As she got older, she wanted to do everything she could for her father. Ever since she was 10, her father was in and out of hospitals. Wheelchair bound or with the use of a cane, she watched her father struggle through the pain of his rheumatoid arthritis. She recalled that as he had been diagnosed at birth, his entire life was full of pain and struggle.

“Some nights, he would hold me crying, asking me to tell my mom to leave him because he wasn’t “strong enough” as a man to support her, my younger sister and I.”

“He would tell me I needed to take care of our family, that I needed to be strong for him. I agreed, not knowing what was in store for me.”

For a little while, as a young adult, her father had finally found some treatment that worked for him. Unfortunately, that came as a great financial burden. As a close family, they came together and wanted to contribute. She felt like things were finally getting better.

The night before Thanksgiving, a couple days before her 25thbirthday. Like their normal holiday tradition, that had family over to celebrate. Her and her dad cooked and everyone had a great time. When she woke up the next morning she noticed her father going off to work. She was confused because he normally didn’t work on holidays.

“He told me he was on call and got called in. Something didn’t sit right so I asked him, “Are you going to be safe?”, he replied, “Yes, don’t worry about me, I’ll be safe.” I took his word and told him I loved him as I saw him out. I just let it go and to this day I wish I never did.”

“My father never came home that night.”

The police arrived later that night, telling her family that he had committed suicide.

“I sunk to the floor and was in complete shock, looking for a note

that he may have left behind or trying to figure out if there were any signs that I may have missed.”

“I kept telling myself – “I could have stopped him before he left!””

She then struggled for a while after his passing with feelings of loss, anger, and frustration. She said she spent time questioning his love for her, their relationship, relationships with men she had from there on out.. even her relationship with God.

“I pretty much died when my father died. I had spiraled into depression, began having suicidal thoughts and even attempted myself. I didn’t know what to do. My family was struggling financially. I then did what I thought I had to do in order to survive, I quit my job and started selling drugs.”

While she struggled through this period in her life, she started self-medicating with drugs and alcohol. She didn’t know how to manage her feelings of anger and loss.

“I didn’t know what to do. I grew angrier and angrier with my dad and missed him so much at the same time, I felt like I was going crazy. It was so hard that I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror because I look so much like him. Eventually I ended up feeling like I had no emotion.”

She was then caught for selling drugs and charged with trafficking level 2 drugs. She was jailed for 2 days. She didn’t care if after her trial she was sent to jail for the possible 7-10 years. It was then that she realized how “dead” she felt inside.

“I was ready to go to prison because I had it in my head that my life was over anyway, I wasn’t responsible for my life going the way it was, it was all my dad’s fault.”

After a year in court, her lawyer got her off of all the charges. She couldn’t believe she was “free”. Her lawyer looked at her and asked, “You had a second chance at life Jamie, are you going to live it now?”

“I truly felt emotions from what he said. I truly cried and realized the pain from my father’s passing had made me so resentful at not only him but at me. And then, I was determined to get my life back.”

Jamie was in an out of therapy for the next 2 years, not truly allowing the therapy to work. In September 2012 I registered for a personal and professional self-development program. It was there she was able to escape from the guilt and resentment that her father’s suicide left her with.

“I prayed and asked him to forgive me, I forgave myself, I stopped doing drugs, I stopped selling drugs, I stopped drinking in excess, I also stopped having suicidal thoughts. I got a new chance at life. I used to think I should be living for my dad, but I started to understand I should be living for me; a life by my design regardless of what happened in the past. I was propelled into action.”

Jamie enrolled in Seneca college and started sharing her story to a professor who was training students who wanted to be police officers, in suicide prevention. She got into this same training.

“I thank her (her professor) up to this day because she gave me a chance to embark on not only becoming certified in seeing the signs of suicide but getting to where I am now, speaking to organizations and students about my story, my experience with suicide, and coaching others through their struggles.”

Jamie believes that open communication, providing education and providing support to those having suicidal thoughts and those who have been hurt my suicide is vital.

“Had I not taken any action, I wouldn’t be here, sharing my story with you. I might have not had a future. I was the interruption of that, I choose to live, I get lit up about my life now and I live fully self-expressed, full of love and love for people. I practice forgiveness, service to others, creating amazing relationships, a spiritual relationship with my father and being FREE! Free from everything that felt so heavy for me in the past.”

Jamie, I personally am in awe of you and your story. Your life which has been full of hardships, loss and struggle. You made a choice. You got help, you moved forward and now you give back to others. You are an incredible woman and I am so happy you chose to share your story with We Hear Her.

Please follow Jamie if you would like to know more about what she does to help those suffering from suicide loss.

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we-hear-her · 5 years

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Introducing Emily

**Disclaimer: This story, though powerful and incredible, contains content that some might be sensitive to. This story talks about depression, anxiety and a survivor's suicide attempt. At the end of the story, we provide resources that Emily herself used that may be helpful for others suffering. If you or anyone you know is suffering from depression or suicide please call the national suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255 or 911 if you feel you are in immediate crisis**

I am so excited to introduce Emily to all of you. I actually started following Emily, on social media, a couple years ago because she was very open about her journey through depression.

I took notice of how honest and up front she was being on social media and I loved how real and authentic she was.

What made you share your journey on social media?

"Well, in 2014 I was in the hospital for an attempt. I went to my first Suicide Prevention walk that year with some friends from work. I guess after like a year and a half. I was like fuck it, if I can help other people by sharing my story then my job here is done. Having other people share their story with me helped so much by having me realize I'm not alone."

That's awesome. Do you think social media is a good outlet then?

"Sometimes, sharing my story has been great. I've had so many people reach out to me telling me they feel the same and it's nice not to feel alone. I try to be open on all my social media. This is real life shit, this is not a fairy tale. But honestly, social media in general can get overwhelming for me too. I will scroll endlessly and even though I try to shut off the feelings of envy because I'm not where I want to be in my life right now, it's hard. I actually have a timer set for social media so I can only have 1.5 hrs of social media."

I totally envy your self control ha! But I agree, there definitely is a positive to social media. We can share our real life struggles and we can connect with others who feel the same way so easily. That's such a great feeling. But it's hard to create that balance of enjoying social media without overusing it.

Do you feel like you've always felt like this or was their an onset?

"In middle school I started to notice I felt off and weird. I had a lot happening in 7th grade. My best friend moved away and I started getting bullied. Girls were writing in text books about me and also had a notebook they’d pass around to write about people. They would also write on Formspring calling me different names and telling me to kill myself. My mom got diagnosed with cancer. There was way too much going on and my family doesn't talk about stuff like this. It just kept building until it just felt like too much. But I wondered, does everyone feel this way? Is this normal? maybe it will go away?"

I can't believe girls wrote that to you. That's awful. I mean ultimately, you know now that they bullied you because they were upset with something in their own lives and that it wasn't about you. But it's hard to justify that to someone who is being bullied, that people bully because there is something wrong in their own lives and that it has nothing to do with the person who is being bullied. Because ultimately, it eventually feels like it's your fault that you did something wrong when really you didn't, the other person is just reacting to something in their own heads.

"Yeah, I completely get that now."

I always felt like depression, anxiety, suicide and other mental health issues weren't really talked about when I was growing up. Do you feel the same way?

"Yeah, I mean, I never knew anyone personally in my circle that had gone through it and/or no one talked about it. So ultimately, nobody knew I was going through what I was going through. I remember the week my attempt happened. I had gone to my college to withdrawal from a couple of classes because I felt too overwhelmed. The counselor there told me to take a couple days and think it over. Even though I kept telling her no, she wouldn't let me. Then, the next morning, I came downstairs from my bedroom, and I was like pacing back and forth, looking for something to end it all. I took as much Tylenol in the container that I had but it wasn’t enough, luckily. I got enough courage to drive myself to the college to seek help and as soon as I got to the office, I just lost it. The counselor there gave me an ultimatum of either getting in the back of a police car to be transported to the crisis center or to call my parents who had no idea that I was even depressed. In the end I chose not to get in the back of a cop car in front of all my peers and to have her call my parents. It was the most silent and uncomfortable ride over to the crisis center. From there, they admitted me to carrier clinic for a week. It was really helpful but also really overwhelming. I met a lot of people from different walks of life dealing with lots of other mental health issues while I was trying to get myself better. I was then transitioned to outpatient therapy at Princeton House for a couple months. From there I started to find other ways to help me cope.

How do you cope now?

"I've been going to my brothers to work out on the treadmill lately or I'll walk in the park by myself and reflect on things. It's my "me time". Every once in a while I'll drive down to the beach and take a walk. Sometimes I just need the ocean, haha. I also have an app for guided meditation. I'll light some candles, lay down in my bed and go into the app. Of course I have to be careful not to fall asleep with candles lit ha. But it does help me calm down. When shit gets really overwhelming, I'll text one of my friends that will let me talk to them and it helps distract me. Usually that happens in the middle of the night. if I can't get in touch with anyone, like I couldn't the other night, I just got myself out of bed and took a drive..blasted some music and felt better."

Ooh, what did you blast? What's your go-to "feel better" music?

"Most of the time it's Billie Eilish. Her voice is incredible."

I love this! But yeah, as someone who also suffers from mental illness, I've found lots of coping techniques. My go to is a hot bath but sometimes I go through periods of time where things that help me don't help me and I don't know what to do. Meditation has personally always been difficult for me. What about you? Have you ever felt like that?

"It's trial and error for everything, therapy, meds and apps. I have a lot of apps that I have tried over the years. I actually stopped taking medicine back in 2016, I eventually didn't like the way I felt."

I've definitely gone through that with anxiety medicines too. I go through periods where I find it's totally necessary to get evened out but then eventually I will feel like I need to But, do you feel like taking medicine was right for you at the time you started in 2014?

"Yes, I think it was necessary. It really helped balance me out"

You mentioned your friends are a big support system for you. I'm guessing you've opened up to them about everything.

"Yeah, it was hard at first to open up but now I feel so lucky to have them. Like, sometimes I don't wanna go out of my house. I've canceled so many times on my friends. I'm lucky my friends get it now. They used to be like "ugh, you never go out with us". Now, they will sometimes force me out because they know I need it or they'll understand I need to stay in and will just come over, lay in bed with me and watch movies."

That's awesome, yeah, if I could I think I would just Netflix in bed all day, every day ha.

What about your parents? You mentioned they don't really open up about their feelings, have things changed, at least for you since the attempt?

"I still don't talk to my parents so much about it. They just weren't raised like that, talking about stuff like this. But I know that if I needed them, they fully support me. I did start talking about this with my brother though."

Yeah, I totally know how you feel. I like that you understand that about them though and still know that you still have their full support.

Do you feel like you've changed your mindset since your attempt?

"Yes, I understand a lot more about how I'm feeling. I know that the feelings go away. Most of the time if I know if I just go to sleep and wake up the next morning, the feeling will go away. I will wake up and think, "I made it through another day", and that is a good feeling. I know those bad feelings are temporary and I just keep going. Some days are good, some days are bad. Some weeks are good!"

Yeah, I feel the same way with my anxiety. I go through periods of time where the anxiety will get really bad but ultimately, I know the feelings are temporary. I know it goes away. It's really important to share the message, the feelings can come and go but they are temporary and you have to just keep going!

Now approaching 5 years since your attempt, it sounds like you're in a much better place. You've really come to a place of acceptance of who you are and what you deal with. Do you ever feel like you would do something like that again?

"So, this last year I had two good friends pass away who I felt were some of my biggest cheerleaders. Just a lot of feelings of loss. But no, like I said, I know the feelings are temporary and I hold on to that. I know that if I just keep going, I will be okay. I will get through it."

I'm sorry for your loss but I love the way you're handling it. I'm not sure you realize it, but you're doing so well. And I agree, if you keep moving, you will get through it.

So, what's next for you? Do you have goals, short goals or big goals?

"I feel like my main smaller goals are to be more open and honest and do things for myself. I'm very much a yes person but at the end of the day I think, "What have I done for me?". That's what I want to work on for this year. For big goals, I want to travel somewhere by myself."

Okay, my last question: Do you have any advice you would give someone like yourself in middle school?

"As long as you're happy and you're not hurting anyone, keep doing it. And just be yourself, because life is too short to be anything else."

Totally agreed, now show me some of these apps!

The apps Emily uses are:

Headspace

7cups

Color Therapy

Motivation Quotes

Pacifica

If you or someone you know is are suffering from depression or suicidal thoughts call the free and confidential suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255

Emily was treated at the following:

https://www.princetonhcs.org Princeton House

https://carrierclinic.org Carrier Clinic

http://www.mccc.edu/student_services_counseling.shtml Mercer County Community College Counseling Services

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we-hear-her · 5 years

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Introducing ME

As I am working on the stories of other girls, I wanted to share with you my story and how I decided to start this project.

Here is me at 21 (left) and me now at 30 (right):

It all started for me about 9 years ago when I was 21. It was the age of Tumblr, Formspring, Instagram (like the legit start of Instagram), Twitter and Facebook. Maybe the social media craze started earlier than that but for me it felt like it blew up when I turned 21. We had so many ways of communicating, judging, commenting, sharing, etc. It was kind of overwhelming but 21 yr old me loved having something to occupy my anxiety ridden mind with.

I was still in school at the local community college for either education or psychology. I couldn’t tell you for sure because honestly, I changed my major so many times back then. I was in college because my mom wanted me to finish any kind of a degree. She just wanted for me what she didn’t have. While I was finishing up a liberal arts associates degree, I had friends who starting touring with their bands. I decided I would be a tour manager. I remember the next year in what seems like a blur. I was always at shows, helping out or hanging out with friends who would stop by in the tri-state area. Then I met this guy who was in a band, I won’t bore you with the details of this failed relationship but lets just say I fell in love and it ended badly. While we were dating though, something both upsetting and amazing happened, I started getting messages from girls on the internet calling me names and sharing mean things about me on different social media sites. At first I was hurt but honestly I’m a relatively introspective person so I just assumed they were upset because they were mad I was dating a musician they liked. I thought it’s so easy to dislike someone you don’t really know and only see bits and pieces of on the internet. I decided to share about myself. Share stories that maybe they could relate to or at least help make them realize that I am a person with feelings just like them and when you say hurtful things, it causes damage. I called it Juste Love and for a while I had these amazing dreams for what this blog would become. Girls would message me that they loved my project and they wanted to be a part of it too. It was such a great surge of positive energy and so many of the girls that made nasty comments actually came forward and apologized. I loved being able to be a part of something that could potentially do so much good.

But then my relationship ended, my tour ended (I only ended up doing like one full tour..turns out tour life was DEFINITELY not for me), and I went back to college to get my bachelor’s in psychology. I figured with a degree I could put so much more into my project. Unfortunately, I lost steam, I was working over 40 hours a week and in school full time and eventually I called it quits.

Recently, I started taking notice of all of the self care and mental health awareness being shared so openly and it started to give me the fuel to share again. I have had generalized anxiety disorder for what feels like my whole life. I literally can remember being 6/7 years old, shaking in my bed late at night, having an anxiety attack. So fast-forward to what made me want to restart this. I was talking to my dad one day and he told me that he was so impressed at what I had accomplished at my job as a UX Researcher in a major media company, in such a short period of time and with anxiety disorder. I honestly hadn’t stopped to think about it because I honestly don’t think constantly “I have anxiety disorder so it’s harder for me to do things that average people do every day”. But it’s true. Just having basic social interactions with others can sometimes ware me down. Having anxiety is like adding another layer onto my day. One more thing I have to get through to get to the finish line that is 5pm. I remember sharing this to a friend I worked with and she looked at me in disbelief and said something I wasn’t expected, “But you seem to normal, I had no idea you were anxious! I couldn’t even tell!”. She meant well, what she meant is that I hide my disorder well. I was reminded that not only on social media, but in real life, most people don’t have the faintest clue what anxiety disorder looks or feels like. Every human being has had some form of anxiety in their life but anxiety disorder is NOT that. I believe that is what makes it so hard for others to understand. Anxiety is NOT Anxiety Disorder. Thus, I felt I should share again. But not just my story, I wanted to share the stories of others girls, some like and some unlike me. We are all perceived differently to others and it’s easy to judge without knowing the whole story. If we share, we can become a community and we don’t have to feel like we are so alone. And it’s just a bonus if that person who shares has gone through something we’ve been through at some point in our lives and got through to the other side. I wanted to share the change that happens from being a teenager in high school to becoming an adult in the “real-world”. I wanted to stress that we’ve all been in someone else’s shoes before and we can get through it. Sometimes we won’t have all the answers but we will have continued to fight to work on ourselves. And with this idea in mind, I started “We Hear Her” because we hear you, we hear your struggle, your triumphs, your fears, your hopes and you are NOT alone.

If you’ve hung around this long, here is my story.

So a summary of who I am, I’ve had anxiety disorder for basically my whole life. When I was younger I think I felt my parents had everything under control and thus I only really ever had issues with anxiety when I started something new or had to perform in front of others. Pretty normal kid stuff. I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 16, after a friend committed suicide and sent me into a pretty dark place. I remember every day I would dread going into school. It would be overwhelmingly emotional, some days I would just curl up into a ball on the floor in my house. I would tell my mom I didn’t want to go to school most days. Almost every morning when I finally got forced into school (Thank you Mom, otherwise I would have no degree now) and I would have to text her if I was okay. It would be this sickening feeling. I would get nauseated, shake, and feel like I needed to cry. Some days I would have the nurse call my mom to pick me up. I told my mom I needed a therapist and possibly medication. As I started seeing a therapist, I started to realize that I needed to feel like I had more control over my life. My bedroom became my sanctuary. I felt like I had total control there. Eventually, I found that hot baths soothed me when I got anxious as did relaxing spa music. And when I finally got my driver’s license, I felt like I could breathe again. I realized that so much of my anxiety occurred when I felt “stuck”. So I got through high school and again, almost no one had any idea I was suffering, unless I told them.

As I got older, my anxiety continued to change. I started to understand the symptoms and the triggers but I also got new triggers and sometimes knowing I had so much control over things ended up causing more anxiety. And of course, life changes happened. I moved out of my house into an apartment, I got new jobs, I would start new semesters, etc. The biggest change happened about a year ago, I went from working solely with children for over 8 years in the town next to mine to working in the corporate world as a researcher at a top media company in the city. It was like overnight so many things changed. So much of what changed was good but honestly my anxiety was in full swing. I was working with adults now, doing a job I had never done in true practice, learning constantly every day, learning how to create my position in this new role, and commuting every day 4 hours in total. It was so much to take in and then I started suffering from chronic pain issues, which frankly are still being a mystery between possible Lyme’s or a mystery auto-immune condition which are made worse with anxiety, ha.

So, what do I do now? How do I handle having a high-pressure career in an overwhelming environment with sometimes little control over my environment while trying to manage aches and pains?

I create space for myself that feels like my safe spaces. I use essential oils, acupuncture, acupressure mats, diet changes, exercise, meditation and of course my favorite hot baths with lavender. I give myself ways that I feel I can get “un-stuck”, I talk to my therapist, I talk to my family and sometimes friends, I focus on the good this blog can do for girls like me. I wake up every morning and push myself because I know the life that I want. Does that mean it just goes away and it’s easy? No, not at all. It is so hard some days to force myself to do what I have to. Chronic pain and fatigue combined with anxiety disorder make things rough but I know I want to try. When I fall short of my goals, which are sometimes very small: i.e. having a tough conversation with a superior, I remind myself that I work hard every day and that I will get there some day.

Ultimately, there is no one cure and sometimes I am better than others times. I write this to say that I do not have all the answers but I have a lot of ways I try every day and maybe something I’ve tried can help you. Even if the only way I help is by sharing this story, I feel I have done something positive. All people are different, all anxiety can present and be felt differently, all experiences are felt differently by different people. I want you to know that I know it’s hard but you can get through it. Sometimes it takes a long time, a lot of effort and a lot of stress to get there but you can get there. And if you fall short, that’s OK. You can have good and bad days. You will get there when the time is right for you. In the meantime, you are NOT alone.

Please reach out if you want to share your story, need to talk or have any comments about my story! I love hearing from others and can’t wait to share my next girl!

Until next time XO,

Vicky

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we-hear-her · 5 years

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Jess

Self described as “fierce”, I am excited to introduce you to our next girl, Jess. In this interview Jess shares her journey with yoga and her on and off struggle with body image.

So Jess, why don’t you tell me a little about yourself now.

“Hm I’m a dog mom, plant mom, amateur chef, yogi and a receptionist at a chiropractor's office. ”

What about high school you? How would you describe yourself then?

“Naive.”

Ha, why naive?

“I was naive because I didn’t have my own voice and always did things that pleased others first before myself.”

Do you think you’ve changed a lot since then?

“I’ve obviously grown since high school. Now, I just do what I want and IDGAF what anyone thinks.”

That’s awesome. I think its really interesting that you brought up you don’t feel like you had your own voice when you were younger. I feel like I can relate. When I was 16, I thought I knew who I was but really I was just whomever the group I was hanging out with wanted me to be. I didn't speak out very often if at all and it was hard for me to feel like I could just be myself. Though, I’ll be honest, I never gave much time to figuring out who I was in the first place ha.

What did high school you think you would be doing at your age?

“Easy. Trying to work for National Geographic, traveling the world, taking photos.”

Is that still what you would be doing, regardless of finances?

“Yea, I want to travel and see the world.”

Let’s go back and talk about high school you. You said you didn’t really have a voice and that you felt like you just kind of bent to the wishes of others. Was there ever a time you felt like you were bullied?

“Not really bullied. I usually kept to myself except for my close group of friends.”

What about a time when someone made you feel bad about yourself?

“Yes, I used to date someone in high school that didn’t make me feel like I could be myself. That it would upset me but I’ve now moved on and am in a much better place.”

Yeah, I remember putting up with a lot of shit from boyfriends past who are honestly nice guys now. Can you think of advice that present you would’ve given to you in high school?

“Yeah, my advice would be, listen to your gut. Don’t always live your life the way you think others expect you to.”

I like that! What about anxieties you had growing up? Do you remember any anxiety that you had in high school?

“I was always anxious when I had to think about the future and college.”

Do you still feel that way? Being anxious about the future?

“Yeah, I feel like it’s such a big decision. And I don’t know exactly what I want to do even now.”

I totally understand that. I sometimes feel like I’m not sure what I'm supposed to be doing or if I’m on the right path.

“Yeah, I’m afraid I'll find comfort in a career I don’t like.”

So where do you find comfort now?

“I feel most comfortable in my own home.”

What about when you’re feeling uncomfortable or unhappy? What do you do to make yourself feel better?

“Haha, I guess I like to take a shower when I'm not feeling good. It makes me happy to be warm and clean!”

I totally relate but I’m a bath person all the way. But you gotta self care your own way! Is there anything that bothers you a lot now? Makes you feel bad about yourself or unhappy?

“Well my body dysmorphia has been in full swing lately.”

Would you mind sharing your struggle with body dysmorphia or advice you might give to others about how to move through it? I think it’s really a beautiful thing to share that so many of us have similar problems and I think it helps us to feel less alone.

“I don’t think I’d be the right person to give advice on that. I honestly don’t do a lot to help myself. There’s nothing I’ve tried that’s really helped me feel better about my body. It’s sad but it’s true. I got issues girl.”

Hey, we all have issues and I think it’s interesting that you mention that you don’t have all the answers but you don’t let it stop you from living your life. It’s like my anxiety disorder. I try and have tried so many things to help myself. And there are some things that help me, like identifying triggers, creating control in environments where I feel out of control, climbing, ect. but nothing has like saved me ha. So is there anything that makes you feel confident? You mentioned you’re a yogi, can you talk a little about that? Do you feel like that’s helped you at all?

“When I do yoga I feel confident. Something about being comfortable in uncomfortable positions makes me feel like I'm on top of the world. I started 8 years ago because I figured I be pretty good at it because of my background in gymnastics and cheerleading. But now I practice because it’s the only thing that will make me stop thinking about everything. Keeps me calm. But unfortunately, no, yoga doesn’t help me in that aspect ha..”

That’s awesome. I am always in complete awe watching you do inversions ha. It sucks that it doesn’t help you with body dysmorphia but at least it shuts the negative thoughts out and centers you! I have no idea what it must feel like having body dysmorphia. Can you describe how it makes you feel? Like are some days better than others?

“Some days are better than others. Usually it just makes me feel shitty about myself like I should be working out more often or eating better than I do. Shopping for new clothes is hard, finding something that looks good and is comfortable for me to wear is hard. But some days (very rarely) I just wake up in a “fuck it” mood and do/wear whatever I want.”

Is there anything or anyone that helps you get through the “shitty” days? Helps you realize you should keep trying and working harder?

“Having Matt (her boyfriend) and Cody (her dog) with me at home helps because they make me happy. Matt always tries to help me find solutions to some of my problems. He’s really good at working through feelings and problem solving ha.”

Has trying to be healthier or working out more helped at all? I know that when I try to do those things I feel better but it’s so hard to get myself into the routine so I don’t really reap the benefits.

“Yeah usually after a good run I feel awesome. But we are the same and I don’t really stick to a routine.”

So true.. haha

And finally, do you feel like there is anything you’d want people to know about how you feel about body dysmorphia? Like with my anxiety I hate when people tell me to relax because it doesn’t help so my advice would be that it’s ok not to understand how I feel but that it’s not as simple as just saying “relax” ha.

“I guess the only thing that I would want people to know is that everyone sees you in a different light than you see yourself, so someone might not understand or see what you believe is your “fault”.”

Thanks for sharing I’m sure it’s really hard to talk about it or to know others will read about it. But I really appreciate your willingness to share. I’m sure as you keep learning and moving along you will find better ways of coping!

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What I love most about this interview is that it’s so easy to read an article or listen to someone go on about how something helped them with their struggle and they’re all better now. It’s great to get some insight and to find something that you can try to help yourself. But I think it’s so much more than that. We are all going day by day, going through ups and downs and sometimes we come along things that work. And sometimes, the things that work for a while stop working. But ultimately that’s okay, we will find something else. We keep moving. I like this story because Jess keeps going. She doesn’t quit on herself. She keeps moving. And that’s really all we can do right?

Keep moving, keep trying and it’s okay not to have all the answers.

I hope you are all moving along during this confusing, “what day is it again?”, holiday week! Have a good weekend!

-Vicky

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we-hear-her · 5 years

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Lindsy

Hey! Vicky here! I’m so excited to share our first girl with you. This is Lindsy.

24 years old. Client Services Coordinator. PA Resident. Dog Mom. Climber. Yogi. Nature Lover. Adventurer.

I met Lindsy 4 years ago through mutual friends and was instantly drawn to her outgoing personality and her amazing sense of humor. She’s the kind of girl who is always up for any adventure and she’s always laughing or making others laugh. She’s strong, kind and willing to listen when someone needs talk. Her pride and joy is her 1 year old English lab pup, Wallace.

Lindsy and I sat down to talk in her cozy living room, all decorated for Christmas, about a week ago. She picked up her now cold cup of coffee with her English lab curled up on the rug in front of her and we set the camera up to begin.

Not sure where we would begin, she laughed “I feel like I’m being interviewed by Ellen Degeneres” HA, don’t I wish! (Ellen, I am forever one of your biggest fans)

Well, let's start with who you think you are. If you had to describe yourself in one word, what would it be?

“Optimist.”

Do you feel you were always an optimist or just as you got into your adult life?

“I think I’ve always been an optimist. ”

You are a Client Services Coordinator for the Speaker Bureau. Can you tell me what that means and how you got to this job with your background?

“I plan and coordinate meetings and dinners for pharmaceutical companies who are promoting their products. I have an Associate’s Degree in Biology and I’ve had several years of administrative experience but this job I was introduced to by a friend.”

Did you always think you would do this? What did high school you think you would be doing at your age?

“Traveling.”

Are you traveling at all?

“Maybe 2-3 times. I thought I would be like traveling in a van where no one knows my address haha. But, I’m not bummed that I’m not. I love my life, I wish I could travel more though.”

What would you do if money wasn’t an object?

“Travel..haha.”

What makes you anxious, “freaks you out” haha?

“Well, I do a lot of intense sports like rock climbing and biking. So, getting injured.I get nervous because freak accidents happen. That’s my biggest fear.”

But that doesn’t stop you from doing what you’re doing? What do you do to calm yourself down?

“I know my limits. I’m not gonna blindfold myself on my bike going down a mountain. I just have to know what I’m doing and be smart about it.”

What about when you’re just having a bad day or just not feeling quite like yourself? Where do you go to feel comfortable or make yourself feel better?

“I feel comfortable anywhere with my boyfriend or my friends. And when I’m having a bad day, I’ll talk to my boyfriend or annoy my dog Wallace hah!”

So talking to your boyfriend helps?

“Yeah, I feel like I’m really open with him and that I can tell him anything.”

Normally, I feel like interviews with women end up with women talking about their insecurities, which is totally cool and I’m all for being open about our insecurity. BUT, I feel like we don’t talk about what we like about ourselves. So I’m going to ask you to talk about ONE thing you really love about yourself.

“I love feeling like I can make friends with anyone. I love talking to and meeting new people so I try not to be judgmental. I try to be friendly and nice with people from all walks of life!”

I like that! And I totally agree, that’s what I thought about you when I first met you.

Now, let's talk about you in high school. Can you describe how you thought of yourself in high school? Do you think you’ve changed at all?

"Bad, No, haha, it's hard to explain because I feel like I've changed so much. I'm smarter, care more for myself and have more confidence for sure."

What was your biggest anxiety in high school and growing up in general?

“I was really worried about what other people thought about me.”

Can you think of a time where someone bullied you or made you feel bad about yourself in high school?

“Ha, yeah, multiple times, multiple people at the same time.”

Can you tell me about a specific incident? Maybe the one that sticks out to you the most?

“Well, one of my worst times in high school was with this kid. He told people we did stuff in the stairway at school.”

Pretty nasty rumor. How did you handle it?

“I confronted him in the lunchroom and stood up for myself. I told him that I would never did that and never would. He admitted it while I was there but when I left he told his friends I just didn’t want people to know.”

Wow, so what did you do then? Did you let it bother you?

“Not so much. I couldn’t really do anything. But the only thing that really bothered me was walking through the hallways after, having girls whisper about me and laugh.”

What kind of advice would you have then for girls who hear rumors about other girls?

“You know, you see these young guys and we know that they do this to us. It’s typical. I would just say, don’t believe the rumor until you get to the source. I’d rather have had girls come up to me and ask me about it so I could tell them.”

So, what did you do when stuff like that happened? When you got upset or discouraged or felt like people were talking about you? How did you make yourself feel better?

“I knew that I knew the truth and I had to be okay with that. I had to let it go. I had my close friends who knew me and they didn’t believe it. Those other people who chose not to believe me, I realized that they weren’t going to believe me no matter what I did. So, I just went on with my life.”

Okay, one last question. I think this is one of the most important questions.If you met your 15 year old self, what advice would you give her?

“Ha, okay, I would say, Don’t believe everything a guy tells you; they don’t have your best interest at heart.”

So...does it get better?

“It always gets better. Life always works itself out.”

Lindsy shows us the importance of standing your ground, being open minded when meeting others, no matter their background, and just knowing yourself and your limits. If I were to sum this up:

Stand up for yourself. Don’t allow others to change your truth. Be kind to those you meet. Don’t trust a rumor without hearing it from the source. Know your limits and be smart about it.

I think when we’re younger, we can’t always see the bigger picture outside of our universe in high school. Heck, I’m 30 and I can’t always see the bigger picture. I’m not sure anyone ever has it “figured out”. But that feeling like the thoughts, words and opinions of others matter so much when we’re in high school, it gets better. “Life works itself out.”

Thanks, Lindsy! It was so fun learning more about you! Thank you for sharing your story with us :D! If you want more about Lindsy, follow her on Instagram @ lindsykjones!

Check back this week to see more from this interview!

-Vicky

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