#other days i feel dysphoric af

[muertawrites]

I read somewhere that Joseph said Eddie had a crush on Chrissy (dont quote me on this, I just skimmed past it in tumblr lol) but would you ever write something based off of that where the reader is not really jealous but more insecure about their relationship after finding that out?

yes. all the fics about cheerleader!reader make me dysphoric af so i'm here for this request.

plus (and no hate to joey babe, he knows our boy better than anyone) but i really can't see eddie being attracted to someone like chrissy. kind to her the way he was, yes, but genuinely into her? no. she comes from the crowd that causes him so much torment that she would be a massive turnoff for him. she’s also just too... vanilla for eddie. eddie’s a weirdo. he likes other weirdos. 

also, @eddieonfilm​ started posting songs of the day which i love and since i get songs stuck in my head a lot while i’m working on things, i decided i would do the same except with my fics. the only thing i love more than writing fanfiction is forcing my music taste on others. today’s song: 

i apologize in advance for how much i projected in this one. reader is implied to be heavier set and alt.

The air in the boat house is cold, and it has nothing to do with the spring evening setting in. You're relieved that you found Eddie, that he's with you again, unharmed and relatively safe, but that doesn't stop you from wondering. Worrying. Your insecurities and lack of trust take over, and your chest is tight.

He was alone with Chrissy Cunningham in his trailer.

The girl everyone teased him for having a perverted crush on - even the Hellfire Club.

The poor thing is dead. You shouldn't feel this way. But you do. The guilt compounds with your anxiety, crushing you under its immense weight.

“If you keep chewing your lip like that, you’ll gnaw it off.” 

Eddie’s words are mirthful, but he delivers them in deadpan. When you look up at him, his eyes are hollow, empty of the glint of mischief you’ve fallen so hard for. 

You’re sitting on the floor - his back against the wall under the far window, yours against the back of the suspended boat in the middle of the little shack. Your legs are intertwined; he’s close enough to touch, and he does, reaching his hand out for you to take. You accept it, allowing yourself to find comfort in his warmth and weight pressing into your palm. 

“... Why were you with her?” 

Eddie blinks, incredulous, clearly not expecting that to be the question that falls from your lips. 

“I told you,” he replies; slowly, as if you don’t understand him. “It was a deal. Chrissy was freaked out and needed something for the edge.” 

“But she was in your house,” you whisper. “You... you were alone with her.” 

“You can’t be fucking serious right now,” he quips. “Do you actually think I fucking killed her? After all the shit you’ve seen in this ass backwards town?” 

He rips his hand away from yours, the action shredding through you like a rain of bullets. You have to bite the inside of your cheek to keep yourself from crying. 

“No, Eddie,” you assure him. “That’s not... That’s not what’s bothering me.” 

He stares at you, trying to read the creases that frame your downturned lips. He’s so fluent that it takes him a matter of moments to decipher them. When you see the look of recognition that falls across his features, you turn away, ashamed. 

“... You don’t like that I was... alone with her,” he concludes.

“Just drop it,” you sniffle. Tears burn your eyes, and you raise an arm up over your face in an attempt to hide them. “Forget I said anything.” 

“No.” 

Eddie lifts a hand up, waving it in a dismissive motion.

“We need to talk about this. Are... are you... You can’t be jealous. I’ve said two words to Chrissy in my whole life. You know you’re like... the only woman I really talk to.” 

You laugh, the sound void of all happiness; it rings broken, helpless, the bleakness of it completely crushing Eddie.

You’ve known each other a total of six months, but you act as if you’ve been together since birth. Your souls match one another in a way that thrills and terrifies you, and makes it that much harder to picture him alone with someone as pretty and petite as Chrissy. 

Someone so unlike you. 

“Why are you defending yourself?” you ask. “You’re not my boyfriend. You can’t cheat on me.” 

“Because something about Chrissy and I together bothers you,” Eddie spits back, reacting to the bitterness in your tone. “And I don’t want you hating me for it. I’m not your fucking enemy.” 

You hate it when he reminds you of that. It proves that he can see right through you, that your anger and defensiveness is a ploy to protect yourself by deflecting the pain.

Like looking in a fucking mirror, isn’t it Munson?

“I’m not... jealous,” you admit after what has to be the longest moment of your life. “I’m just...” 

Your chest heaves as a sob escapes you. 

“She’s just so pretty,” you whimper. “And so nice, and I’m... I’m so fucking forgettable. I’m a troll and she’s a fucking fairy.” 

“Hey...” 

Eddie’s voice is soft as he slides over to sit beside you, his arm curling around your shoulders and hugging you close. Your face falls into his chest, his smell of cigarettes and weed and dollar store soap more familiar to you than the smell of your own home. 

“Chrissy is... was...” he swallows the word like it’s glass, “... very nice. And yeah, she was pretty. But nice and pretty are boring as shit. Fuck, she was scared of me when she met me in the woods yesterday, because she was fucking the guy who has all of Hawkins convinced I’m possessed by the devil because I run the nerdiest club ever. You’re way cooler than that. Than any of those fucking posers who are too scared to be themselves.” 

His hand falls onto the back of your head, making a trail of tender strokes through your hair. 

“We’re probably gonna die so I’m just gonna find my balls and admit this,” he sighs. “I’m fucking in love with you. Head over heels in love with you. I’ve had a massive crush on you since middle school when you used to argue with our teachers.” He chuckles fondly at the memory. "And in junior year, when you dyed your hair orange because Jason Carver called you a soulless bitch in front of the whole cafeteria? God, and the way you always wear those really frilly dresses with the combat boots... I’ve been pining after you for fucking ever. I’ve written songs about you. When you started talking to me I wondered why the hell I never tried to get close to you sooner. I would’ve been way less miserable if I actually got to know you when I wanted to.” 

You sniff, leaning heavily against him as you let his words sink in. You never knew he noticed you growing up the way you always noticed him. The revelation is comforting; sobering. 

“... Well. I don’t think we’re gonna die,” you finally murmur. “But we’ll definitely experience a new level of trauma after this.” 

Eddie laughs. He presses a kiss to the crown of your skull, his hand finding yours once again and lacing his ringed fingers between your bare ones, admiring the way they fit together. 

“I’ve been meaning to level up my trauma,” he muses. “... But you’re right. We’re not gonna die. We can’t die - we’ve gotta grow old and senile together.” 

You smile, absently bringing his knuckles to your lips. The feeling raises goosebumps up his arm. 

“... Eddie?” you whisper. 

“Yeah, sweetest.” 

“I love you, too.” 

🌹💀get your eddie fix💀🌹

#eddie asks #muerta's works #eddie munson x you #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #eddie munson angst #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson x reader fluff #eddie munson x reader angst #eddie munson drable #eddie munson blurb

[lilyliveredlittlerichboy]

ive been spending way too much time on terf blogs the past few days and this thing i saw has been living in my head rent free like

(Image description: @/fakeboitherottengirl writes, "You learn to chase gender like you learn to chase any other drug. You chase gender euphoria like an anorexic chasing her skeleton. The next piece of clothing, the next haircut, the next injection, the next operation, THATS the thing you need to be happy. After this next binder or HRT or boob job or dress or tube of makeup your body will finally feel "right". And by the time you've eliminated all the things that could be "wrong", when no hair is left out of place and and you "pass" you realize you are still yourself with all the same pain you've been running from getting closer every day. And suddenly there's nowhere left to run. Your hair can't get any shorter. Your chin can't get any smoother. No shade of lipstick fills the void it once promised to. Capitalism lied to you and is actively profiting off of your gender dysphoria/euphoria. Dysphoric people deserve better than the capitalist "solution" of transition." End image description.)

There's so much wrong with this where do I start. (Soooo tempted to just throw out the whole suitcase but I think there's maybe half a thought in there worth keeping. So here goes)

All of the procedures you've listed above are things cis people do as well. Buy makeup and have boob jobs and get laser hair removal, buy gender-affirming (or gender nonconformity-affirming) clothing and jewellery. Yet somehow it's only bad when trans people do it? Capitalism leaves hollow voids of suffering in all of us. How we fill it is each of our own choice, and all of the things mentioned above are morally neutral. Including drug addiction and even eating disorders, because we believe in a thing called bodily autonomy. heard of it?

The capitalist solution of transitioning: Okay yes lots of trans people spend money on transitioning. A lot of cis people also spend money on gender-affirming clothes, accessories and surgeries. Capitalism has a solution for everything. It's true. BUT: not everyone's transition involves a lot of money, and most trans people are poor af. We cut our own (or each others) hair, get clothes from free clothes swaps and use other forms of mutual aid. Changing your name and pronouns is free! And yes we have to exist under capitalism, great observation sherlock. anything else?

And what, exactly, is a better solution for dysphoric people? Since you acknowledge they exist. Is it to live with their pain forever? I mean, you radfemmy types take enormous pride in suffering and make suffering the very core of your ideology so I can't say I'm surprised. Tell Me, has your suffering enlightened you? Do you know things no one else does? Did you find the light. And why am I reminded of tradcath imagery where you have to suffer to make up for being born, until you die... is this the kind of imagery you strive to invoke? Is your suffering the yoke you toil under forever, to make up for the wrongness in your soul and the void in your heart. Do we all need to find Jesus? Tell Me? (or please maybe just help us dismantle capitalism. yes it wants to sell you solutions to problems that didn't exist until capitalism told you you had them!! yes it hurts everyone!! we agree on this!!)

tldr suffering is great and if you embrace it you won't have to participate in capitalism anymore. but it's fine to participate in capitalism actually, as long as you're being nice and cis about it i guess. womanhood is only suffering and manhood is only violence and there is no room for genuine joy in the human experience. this is what you're telling me yes? okay. cool. okay

anyway I've found so much love and peace from being trans, not really from changing my body (which I BARELY have and still don't really know if I will) but from being part of loving, accepting, truly radical communities. Going from being othered to being part of the othereds. Community is the true value of the queers. Probably you radfems would agree about your own!! You love your communities and want to keep them safe!! See, us too. And we don't have to fight each other to keep ourselves safe. In fact fighting makes all of us less safe! None of us want that.

Anyway it's so difficult to have nuanced (or any) conversations about these things and i appreciate you taking the time to read this. and as much as I understand that my "why can't we all get along uwu 🥺" thing is naive and idealistic, I would much prefer to be naive, idealistic and hopeful, than full of distress and fear and despair at the state of the world - and the state of feminist, body neutral and autonomy affirming activism. (A despair we share, I assure you! Being hopeful anyway is an active choice.)

Hope is hard. It is! I have a lot of practice cultivating mine and it still doesn't come easy. The first step is believing you can have hope, and that things can get better. The next step is to find out what you, personally, can do to actively make things better for people around you. Start hyper-local, log off from the internet for a lil while, consult older activists around you. Millions of people doing tiny things will add up to bigger changes, and you have to believe change is possible. You have to. Otherwise you will get too content in your own misery and stop growing as a person and stop actually making the world better.

"You have to act as if it were possible to radically transform the world. And you have to do it all the time." ― Angela Davis

Anyway, one thing that doesn't help is trying to take away people's bodily autonomy. Whether that's restricting access to abortion, or access to transition, or access to cosmetic surgery, or ability to do sex work, or kink. Just cus you personally think any/all of these are oppressive and evil, doesn't mean you get to make choices for other people on how to live their lives.

Bodily autonomy.

If you're against abortions, don't get one.

If you're against transition, don't get one.

If you're against kink, don't do it.

Some people don't get a choice, such as victims of sex trafficking or Hershel Walker's mistresses when he arranges their abortions. But that doesn't mean you should take the choice away from everyone.

#so glad to have found genuine joy in my trans experience tbh #radfem pipeline #terfs cw #terfs do interact #if you dare #radblr #radfem safe #radical feminism #like can we at least agree that there are MANY. ways to respond as an individual to the pressures of capitalism and patriarchy #and being trans and being radfem are 2 and they are both somewhat understandable #unless you are one & are looking at the other in which case. #this division between us has been inflated enough that we simply cannot see past our differences #when i maintain and will forever that #we have more in common than we don't #at abortion protests you will stand side by side with us because we know as far as the powers that be are concerned #all of us are evil and need to be silenced #sigh #queer stuff #trans stuff #this post has been on my drafts for over a month and it will invite the terflings into my notes once more #which is the main reason ive put off posting it #arguing with terfs just takes up too much time that is much better used elsewhere tbh #and yet past me tagged this with a bunch of terf finders #and i cba to take them out tbh #maybe someone will read this and it'll make the gears turn to deradicalise someone from radfemism #all men are not evil btw #there we go edited it a bit added some more now it's ready to go out. terfs in my notifs in 3 .... 2 .... 1 ....

[thatlowiqbabe]

Hi! I was wondering if you could write something for HoO boys being your boy friend? Also, do you think it’s possible for you to do a trans (ftm) hispanic demiboy? Thanks!

Oh yeah sure! As a Demi-Boy it's my duty!

This is over 900 words so there's gonna be a part two (sorry bout that)

HOO Boys with A Hispanic!Demi-Boy! S/O

Frank Zhang

"Wait your a demi-boy? Like cause you're a demi-god orr"

"Oh okay, totally unrelated gotcha."

You probably came out to Frank after the Son of neptune, scared you'd never get the chance to tell him.

He asked some silly questions but obviously accepted you! He would do more research via internet but demi-gods and phones don't mix

(What do you mean he's been asking other trans demi-gods how to better understand, you obviously got the wrong chinese-canadian shape-shifting son of mars)

Anyway he loves you, and tries to switch pronouns often ❤️ (if you use multiple)

If you're ever feeling dysphoric, he'll turn into an cuddly animal of your choice to make you feel better.

Will turn into a bear and (threaten to)  eat a transphobe

(They probably taste funny lol)

(If you're bilingual) You, him and Jason sit in a circle and speak in spanish, canadian french, and latin, knowing damn well y'all don't understand each other.

Y'all be looking like this

Don't even try having Thanksgiving with him

"Happy Thanksgiving!"

".... I'm canadian."

"Oh, uhhh happy thursday then??"

Like sir, do you want some turkey or not?

Jason Grace

"So wait, if you're a demi-god and a demi-boy do they like cancel each other out?"

"I- baby no—"

"Can I call you God-Boy?"

Y'all give him a minute, boy brain ain't right after getting knocked out so many times 🤣

Being called God-Boy does make you feel powerful ngl

You probably "dated" during hoo, and after you started dating for real came out to him.

Uses both pronouns, like every other paragraph. (If you use multiple)

If you're a greek demi-god, he loves to take you over to Camp Jupiter, and take you on tours around the parthenon and go on dates

If you're roman, he takes you out to Camp half-blood and maybe even tour manhattan!

(Gotta be a group date though, he's been at Camp Jupiter since he was 3 and only left on quests, he don't know where he going)

(If your bilingual) He'll teach you latin if you teach him spanish! It's always cool to know another language, especially if you're partner speaks it.

If you're dysphoric, y'all take naps together.

You don't have to stress, whatever's outside can wait a while, right now it's just you and him ❤️

You're his little God-Boy, he loves you

What do you mean he specifically asked to do whatever chores you had that day? Uh-huh couldn't be him 🛑🖐️ stop playing

Don't let him meet your mortal parent

Boy be so nervous he don't know what to do

"Jason, dear could you pass me the (fav. Food) "

"Yes  (Mr./Mrs/Mx.) L/n, I will have a ham sandwich "

"..."

"..."

"..."

He left with a ham sandwich and a red face

He got invited back over, so it wasn't too bad tho lol

Leo Valdez

He already knew you were a demi-boy!

You probably came out to Leo before y'all started dating, and maybe before y'all knew you were demi-gods, he just has that "yes I'd beat a bitch's ass and lose, and what about it?" Energy y'know??

Obviously you could trust him.

Will try to to use both pronouns, but might stick with one for a while before switching it up and then sticking to one again

Y'all probably talk shit about people together honestly.

Let's be honest, if you were bilingual, with a boyfriend who was also bilingual, and y'all didn't like this one person you'd talk shit right in front of them.

If you're really petty you'd make it obvious too.

If you're ever feeling some dysphoria, don't worry cause Leo got dis-for-ya!

Iamsosorry

But seriously he'll build you tiny trinkets and stuff to help you feel better

Greatifyoureahoarderlikemelol

If you want, you could help him with building, or even build something yourself!

(You: somehow builds a bomb or something equally dangerous

Leo:

)

Y'all like to make smores, and probably sing the campfire song from spongebob while doing it

(Whether it's on Leo or an actual campfire depends on y'all mood)

"OUR C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E  S-O-N-G SONG"

"Hey, you did it without stuttering this time!"

Nico di Angelo

"So you trans your gender??"

"Uh no, I'm transgender, it doesn't work like that—"

"How do you trans your gender?? Is it a like a process to get your gender trans or does it happen all at once?"

This boy a whole boomer, lord have mercy 😭🖐️

Growing up in early 1900's he doesn't really understand, but he'll try.

If he feels like he's bothering you with too many with questions, he'll go bother Annabeth instead.

Uses both pronouns, despite not knowing how you can have more than one. (If you use multiple)

Will do his best to get rid of any internalized transphobia he might have. Even if he grew up around Bianca, it was a hateful time back then and he might have biases.

You're dysphoric, but how??

He understands how dysphoria works, as much as it pains him to know that you're hurting, he didn't understand how it could effect someone like you.

You were much braver than he was, not being outed and actually coming out on your own. You were the man you said you were and more.

Sometimes y'all just lay down outside under a tree and he'll sing to you.

(Y'all know I'm talking about Soldatino don't even play)

Those days can go from bad to okay to great, depending on what y'all do afterward.

Sometimes y'all go out to eat at McDonald's via shadow travel, and I hope you got cash cause the seven gonna want some too lol (this includes Rachel and Will btw)

"So you're ordering (big af order) to go, for just the two of you?"

"We're eating for nine."

"No baby we're eating for eleven remember?"

Cashier, who's just trying to earn they minimum wage:

I don't know how to end this lol

Um part 2 will be out soon, maybe like a day from now if I don't forget lol

Thank you for requesting! I hope it was up to your standards, if not then I hope you enjoyed it anyway, cause I enjoyed writing it!

If you're interested in my writing pls request, I only have one other to do so it might be done soon!

Also, I hope Leo's bilingual hc isn't offensive in anyway. I'm just realizing how rude that may sound. If it is I'll write a new one. I'm not bilingual but if I was that's what I'd do. Again, I hope I didn't come off as ignorant on that hc.

#percy jackon and the olympians #hoo #heros of olympus #headcanon #poc reader #request #jason grace #frank zhang #Leo Valdez #nico di angelo #x trans reader #trans boy #non binary #non binary reader #male reader #black writers #hispanic reader

[finntaur]

I’m pan and genderfluid, and enjoy cuddles, and yet I’m still lonely af, the fuck? Also I want to get top surgery, but I also don’t wanna go on T afterwards. I’m a confusing individual

That’s a mood tho fjdjdk sometimes i feel dysphoric about my chest but then other days I’m like “cool even dudes have boobs what’s the issue” fjdjjdjd

#fleur-magic #ask #thanks for the ask! #tw dysphoria #<- bc of what I said

[cayden-carter]

i feel so overwhelmed whenever i realize that one of the gender affirming surgeries i need to lessen my dysphoria is a procedure i’ve heard is only performed on the other side of the country for me. tips for getting through those dysphoric AF moments when surgery feels out of reach?

I remember feeling a sense of this, when I thought surgery was unobtainable due to finances. It’s always helped me to keep my mind on the future and not the present. Thus, when I felt dysphoric, I would remember the savings account I opened, and it would bring me a type of solice.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that I had to find a source or type of escape in any moment of dysphoia, in order to make it through that moment and continue on about my day.

It really helps to stay busy, and it helps to talk to those who are there to listen. I’m always here. I hope you find what you’re looking for, soon.

[kuroosdumbslut]

hey so, while im baked af, i need to vent a lil:

so im feeling really....dysphoric and more and more like being a girl doesnt fit me, but neither does being a boy...idk im feels more masculine today and its fucking me up cause i thought??? i already went through this and settled on female??? but it just doesnt feel right anymore idk,,, i wanna feel comfy with myself, and i fuckin LOVE my short shaved (mostly) hair, its fuckin dope! but i look at the rest of me and just go "hm that aint it chief" but IT ALSO ISNT MY FAT??? like im so comfortable being fat, but seeing some of the curves i have and my breasts and everything feel weird like "i cant look at that, someone be flashin they tits" other days i feel bomb woth my tits but today, lately, it just doesnt feel right. like, i know most are probably gonna say luke "maybe genderfluid! maybe gender queer! maybe nonbinary!!" and like hell yeah! but i just need to vent cause gender feels fuckin weird right now

#gender identity #gender dysphoria #dysphoria #vent #rant #gender queer #genderfluid #genderqueer #gender stuff #lots of confusion #confused #im confusion

[foxy-voxy]

So, depression sucks. 

I was doing really well, and then ran out of one of my meds which is expensive to fill. I have a discount card for it, but it has to be called in as a 30 day supply instead of a 90, and that’s a phone call, and phone calls are hard when you’re depressed. They’re hard anyway, the depression just multiplies it. And I’m supposed to start a bipolar med, but it comes with a long list of side effects that I can’t really afford being a working parent. But I can’t afford a dysphoric mania, either. My migraines have been getting more frequent and more severe. I still need shoulder surgery on the left and my carpal tunnel syndrome in my right wrist/hand is getting progressively worse. I write and paint as a side hustle. I have to have that hand working, but I can’t afford surgery for either with the deductible plus coinsurance costs. I can barely afford primary care copay, and specialist copay is just not doable. 

And then add in all the car bullshit, not getting either of the positions I applied for at work, the start of school and my teenager’s endless complaining about not having the newest or best this or that, my car STILL needing work (exhaust -it’s driveable, just hella loud), husband hating his job and in turn I feel guilty because I only work part time because that’s about all my fibro plus other issues can handle, my computer being slow AF... 

I know people have it way worse. I’m aware. I have a home, a car, the bills are paid, we’re all relatively healthy... but this eking out a living is completely awful. One of those positions would have made the difference between barely getting by and doing okay. And I would have been good at them. 

I’m tired. I’m tired of things just never getting any better. I’m tired of being almost 40 and having nothing to show for it. 

#shut up voxy #whining #trying to be grateful for what I do have but it's hard

[genderfluidgothwitch]

55-60

55. tumblr friends

Well I know @theh3xgirls @tomato-kitten and @notahipsterbutimakeurhipsstir in real life, and I’m really good friends with @spookyclownnerd . Plus I think I’m friends with a few mutuals even if we don’t talk too much.

56. favourite food(s)

Big time fan of sushi. Also quesadillas. And teriyaki. Also a lot of really good vegetarian dishes out there. I just really like food. I can’t call myself a foodie because I’m picky af but I just mmmmm love food

57. favourite animal(s)

Probably cats, octopi, owls, and otters

58. description of my best friend

Hm... funny as all fuck. I know I can go to them with anything, and they’ll be honest with me if I’m in the wrong, but they won’t be brutal about it either. We tease each other all the time but we know we love each other no matter what. I may groan at some of their jokes, but if the puns weren’t there, it wouldn’t be the same person. I’d miss them terribly if they disappeared.

59. why i joined tumblr

This was the beginning of my dive into self discovery, when I started playing around with my gender and name. It was back in 2014, when I was depressed and dysphoric without knowing how or why. It was a chance to talk things out with myself, before I got back into therapy.

60. ask me anything you want

Well you didn’t provide a question so I guess I’ll fill something in: why do you like your favorite band?

I like the Eagles because it’s easy to get lost in the music. Each song kind of has its own mood, and if I need to change how I’m feeling, I can always go to them. When I’m anxious, I listen to Peaceful Easy Feeling, when I need to get revved up I listen to Take It Easy or Life in the Fast Lane. If I need to just relax and slow things down I’ll listen to basically anything off of Long Road out of Eden. When I’m depressed, I listen to No More Cloudy Days or You Are Not Alone. To me, all of their songs are timeless, and honestly the protest songs are still relevant. Listen to King of Hollywood if you get the chance. Honestly, they’ve been around my whole life, and I’ll listen to them until I’m gone.

Thanks for the ask :)

#anon #asked and answered #all about me #ask prompt

[ryan-is-here]

Just a rant on a little bit of everything (I need advice)

Yeah I already know my grammar sucks

1.My dad is older so he doesn’t really understand the whole trans thing so I’m giving him time on it but when I complain about looking like a girl he goes “you are a girl”

2. I used to do makeup and I actually like it but I stopped because it was really uncomfortable and made my Dysphoria really really bad and I’ve done my makeup twice this week because I figured “fuck Dysphoria I’m going to do what I want” but noopppppeee lmao I thought I’d get over it so the whole day being upset and uncomfortable(I was at school)

3. Jeans are killing me because I can’t help but notice my thighs and it just makes me so uncomfortable and even when I wear regular guy jeans it shows and I don’t know what to do and I used to be into cross dressing and drag but it made me super super Dysphoric so I gave up on it for now like with the makeup

4.teachers:

I have a French teacher (I’m not taking French again next year) and she is so so sweet but I’m not out to teachers at school(just everyone else) and she keeps calling me mademoiselle and it’s so uncomfortable to me but its already the end of the year and I’m not talking it again so I’ll just bare with it I also have a sociology teacher and I have her class again next year for phycology 1 and 2 and I don’t know if I should come out to her now or what

5.My “friends” : I don’t really have any friends anymore but I still hang around these people who don’t support me there’s tori who has told me that she’s still call me by my deadname even when I started on T(she’s not transphobic just ignorant and self absorbed) but other then those type of comments every once and awhile she’s nice then you have my other “friends” they used to be my actual friends but they practically ignored me all the time I’m sure they didn’t mean too but I felt like they did and I’m hanging out with them in the mornings again and it’s happening again there’s also this one girl in the group and I’ve known her since I was 7 or 6 so about ten years now and she is obsessed with the lgbtq+ community like badly she’s lesbian but feels the need to tell everyone and ship every character together that’s female and she dose the same thing to gay guys and real people (like Eurovision idk if that’s what it’s called I’m not really that into music stuff except like heathers and bmc and I don’t really like talking about it I’d just keep it to myself) and she’s obsessed with trans people and constantly tells people for me that I’m trans I know I sound stupid I’m happy she supports us and all but I just can’t help but feel labeled as the trans guy by her and I’m more then just a gay trans guy hell im just a fucking regular guy that happens to be trans and gay

6.t

My insurance covers testosterone but finding a place that will do the bloodwork and the therapy shit to get it that takes my insurance is impossible (not sure what insurance I have) and I don’t have the money currently to go privately and I’ve been waiting to get on it since the beginning of the year and have been waiting for the 1st of 2019 to come since October now (I know I shouldn’t complain because people have waited way way longer than me) and I’m sick and tired of looking like a butch lesbian(no offense)

7. Weight loss tw

I’m like ether 5,3-5,5 and I weigh 150-162 pounds and my goal is 130 or 120 whatever’s healthy and looks good to me really and It’s hard for me to lose weight ive gotten really insecure with my weight to the point that I’ve just tried to not eat at all really but that lasted a full 3 or 4 days before I gave up because I love food and I’m definitely not recommended or saying “fuck yeah do what I did” because thats stupid and what I did was stupid and that goal was stupid you get the point but I just couldn’t help but think about the results now I’m just trying to loose weight by eating better ex: no soda or sweets except for a one small pice of dark chocolate every day almond milk fruits and all of that good shit (I’ve tried apple cider vinegar)

8.i just need friends like I’m lonely af my age is in my bio and all I really like is skating even though I can barely stand on my board yet birds mcr alternative stuff cadge the elephant the story so far blink 182 neck deep knuckle puck real friends and some pop stuff like Ellie Goulding

Anyways I just wanted to ask for advice on the teacher and ftm stuff maybe the weight loss shit too if y’all could give me it on that I’d absolutely love that (please)

#ftm #trans #advice #lose weight #female to male #gay #music #i want friends #yeet #i dont know how to tag this #lgbt #lgbtq

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

#Trans #nonbinary #nb #genderqueer #gender questioning #transmed #pls help me lmao I hate my brain sm #also im so sorry if this post is scuffed af #im on mobile #its 4 am I cba

[uffdah-riley]

5 — Wardrobe Task: Riley Anderson

We’re gonna go up and down then left to right for each photo!

Photo 1:

Knit Berry Cap: Riley’s “Aunt” Laura (Meg’s mom) knitted this cap for them about two years ago. It’s not great for actually keeping you warm but it was made with love. Riley wears it around quite a bit on the less-chilly days.

Full Moon Over Evergreens Yellow Converse: Now Riley’s closet contains more shoes than they could ever really need, 90% of which are Converse. This pair in particular was spotted on a trip Up North in a small-town shop that they popped into while their dad filled the tank with gas next door. Riley doesn’t wear them a lot but finds an excuse to since they are both one of their favorite colors and also just generally cute af!

Mushroom & Flower Embroidered Jeans: Riley is definitely not creative enough to have made these themselves but they love embroidered jeans so when they were searching on Etsy and found this pair they just had to order some! They are otherwise just regular jeans, just with this fun little detail. “You lookin’ at my butt?” 😉

Moon & Stars Jacket: This is more formal than what Riley typically reaches for but on special occasions, when they want to impress someone but don’t want to go full formal look, Riley will throw this on over a more plain black, white, or yellow top and head out.

Northwoods Adventure Minnesota 1858 Hoodie: If you thought I wasn’t going to put at least one Minnesotan clothing item on this list you’re funny! Yeah, this is a general Minnesotan Vibe that Riley loves to wear on casual or chilly days. A very common grab when they need to layer. Everyone in town has probably seen this by now.

Get In Loser UFO T-Shirt: Riley thought it was funny. Graphic tees are another staple in their wardrobe, usually hidden by a hoodie or crewneck, though.

Moon & Star Boots: These are waterproof so they’re perfect for trekking through the snow and still looking fashionable! Riley thinks they really toe the line between being polished enough for a more sophisticated look while also still being casual enough for everyday wear.

Psyduck Sweater: It’s cute and Riley likes Pokémon! Plus Riley likes semi-ugly sweaters.

Photo 2:

Dinosaur Fingerless Knit Gloves: Riley thought they were adorable when they found them online and it’s way too funny to pass up. They’re not great for keeping your fingers warm so Riley recommends some thin gloves underneath to keep the tips of your fingers actually at a decent temperature for the worst of the winter weather but they’re generally good enough.

Planetary Button-Up: This one was a gift, Riley’s not even really sure when they got it, but it’s aesthetically pleasing and button-ups are actually a great staple to have in one’s arsenal so Riley likes it more than a plain one.

Snoopy Socks: Riley loves these little Snoopy socks to death! They wear them around the house on cold nights while sipping hot cocoa. It makes them think about Camp Snoopy (May she rest in peace) and also the section of Valley Fair that is still Snoopy themed and you can do a meet-and-greet with him! That section of the park could definitely use some TLC but Riley still adores it all the same. Shoutout to #MinnesotaGang with the creator of Peanuts being from Minneapolis!!

Red/Blue/Grey Oversized Crewneck: Oversized clothing is great for some dysphoric days when Riley is feeling just a touch too feminine for their liking. This shirt tends to help on those days and makes them feel comfortable enough to be perceived by others.

✌️ Baseball Cap: Listen, Riley is a Baseball Cap Gay and this ✌️ emoji hat is absolutely perfect to get the vibes across correctly. Riley thinks they look hella good like this.

Muted Rainbow Knit Scarf: Also made by “Aunt” Laura, this scarf is the softest thing Riley owns. It does not match the berry hat at all but Riley can be seen pairing them pretty often. It does kinda go with the dino gloves so that’s nice!

Denim Bee Jacket: Riley bought this as part of a fundraiser for #SaveTheBees and they really like the way it fits on them! It’s cute and bees are gay culture!

Long-Sleeves Cropped Honda Shirt: Okay, this is some Feral Gay Energy if I’ve ever seen it and I had to include it because this is a thing that Riley’s fc wears in their show and I am obsessed. Anyway, Riley thinks they look stellar when they wear it and I need someone to call them out on this look.

#swynwrimo #swynwrimosammy #swynwardrobe #[ wardrobe ] #[ mirror ] #[ mine ]

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

[jamesdeanlover]

Some days I’m dysphoric af other days I think I’m one damn handsome mother fucker. Look good feel good is my motto

#trans #transgender #ftm #pret #pre T #pre op #pre everything #dysphoric

[cruelonlytobekindarchived]

K, I haven't read all your threads with @akathehellcat ... Yet... but something stuck with me and made me real happy, so, bare with me, Alana is genderfluid right? I love the duality of Max and Alana, could you explain to me? There's too much to read (I'm happy af btw, I love reading your threads)

WHAT’S UP I AM THE HAPPIEST KAT EVER TO TALK ABOUT THIS. And I’m so fuckin’ here for it.

Also a disclaimer: I myself am not genderfluid, but shout-out to my main fave @inexactexpiration for always being one of the people/a best friend who’s helped me out with my characterization as a whole. I have another very very close friend I’ve known since I was 14 who is also genderfluid, and they’ve been really awesome bouncing ideas off of the concept. So I’m not personally knowledgeable, from my own firsthand experience, but I’ve tried my best to be respectful and happy to learn.

So Max was the name Trish gave Alana upon meeting her when Alana wouldn’t tell her what her name was (largely because a recent very publicized breakup had left her name all the fuck over the media, and he was trying to get away from it as much as possible) because they’d read Where the Wild Things Are and she’d identified Alana with the main character, Max.

Also, where that verse is concerned, Alana goes by both she/her and he/him pronouns, alternatively. She tried out the they/them but it didn’t feel right, and has actually begun to settle somewhat into the fact that he’s always somewhat both male or female in feeling, but just feels more strongly in one some days than the other.

The benefits of the name ‘Max’ are that it’s pretty damn gender neutral but, beyond that, that it appeals to a semi-androgynous but somewhat male identifier. Masculine identity is what Alana struggles with most, because the fact is that, unfortunately for him a lot of the time, he just looks very effeminate, feature-wise. And while he fully understands the ‘passing’ concept is bullshit and he thinks it’s wrong anyone should ever have to perform their gender to be it, on particularly masculine days he’s pretty dysphoric about knowing how female he’s seen as regardless of how very masculine he is and feels.

So he wears a lot of very male-cut suits. And his overall air is much more performatively masculine. There’s also a packer, because it just feels right, in spite of the fact that the concept of a total surgery would never be something he wanted or considered. He understands why other people would want that, but he doesn’t experience a desire to change that. (Trish was the one who bought him the packer for half her own self-indulgent reasons, and it accidentally ended up helping him figure out a lot of crucial things about himself, including the idea that he could play with the idea of his own gender identity how he wanted to and had support in it, which he desperately needed. To feel validated to try.)

Feminine days are never an issue. She looks so effeminate and leans toward a tremendous affection for wrap dresses, high-waisted skirts, patterned cardigans. She’s gotten fantastically good with makeup, her wardrobe is pretty much incredible, and she’s pretty as all fuck, she’s learned. What she means is, on effeminate days when she leans more toward classically effeminate traits, it’s very simple for her to exist. Though, nine times out of ten, she tends to lean more toward the masculine, she’s never truly (until now, really) had a reason to think she could explore and feel comfortable within genderqueer bounds. Everything she’s learned up until now has been performative masculinity to succeed in her field, but she hasn’t ever gotten a chance (still, until now) to think her gender could belong to her personally in a way meant to feel comfortable with herself.

Max is Max because the name Max is new. It’s good. It’s easily either a male or a female sounding name. It was given to her by someone she loves and cares about. And it’s someone who helped her embrace the fact that she’s allowed to feel however she wants to feel. Max feels the best about the fact that, on any given day, he can be male or female depending on how he feels, and have someone who supports him on that front. And, as much as he hates to admit it, that validation is so huge.

Max is the safe person Alana’s become. It’s an intimacy between he and Trish, mostly. And as someone who never thought he’d be accepted for who he was or how he felt, let alone have a whole inside secret/name with someone who would love him for just who he is and how he feels, that is everything to him.

THANKS I LOVE THIS QUESTION.

#v: where the wild things are (akathehellcat) #dysphoria mention / #transphobia mention / #[sort of only but just in case--] #MY NAME IS MAX KING OF THE WILD THINGS. #akathehellcat #[i see you in my activity all the time buddy #and i fuckin love you.] #scarletttext

[kaleidoux]

30 dec 2020

Woke up at 4am feeling dysphoric after a dream.  I just keep feeling worse and worse about myself, no fun at all. I recently decided to explore and find out why tf I feel so bad about my body and voice and everything and hey, guess what? Could it be the fact that I’ve been pushing away rational thoughts of being born in the wrong body for years and years? And that I - at any given time in my life since 5th grade, if given the question “would you rather have been born male or female?” - would answer Male in a split second? That I’ve been fantasizing about being a man for as long as I can remember? Kept pretending to be a boy in 99% of all playing and games as a kid? That my body image have been shit for years because I keep looking at myself in the mirror going “boi I sure wish I looked more masculine”? Could that possibly be it? Naah, let’s ignore it some more- sike, not doing that anymore. Suck it universe. The fact that I can’t talk to my bff about it either sucks <’3 I just wanna pour my heart out to her, but last time I tried to talk about it she ended up feeling like shit because she suffers from bad self-esteem, and hearing me feel bad about myself made her anxious af - and I don’t want to hurt her. I don’t want to make her feel like shit just so that I can feel better, so I’ll avoid talking about it with her. It sucks, it really does, but she deserves to be happy. So that’s kind of why I decided to start this blog in the first place - to have a place to let out some steam and just... write. I do have friends I can write to about it, but I feel kinda awkward doing it? Like, I know they would support me 100% (they already do, I have expressed my thoughts to them and they are a-ok with me writing about it), but one of them is also dysphoric and I don’t want to make them feel bad in the process <’3 They are such a nice friend and I fear that they wouldn’t tell me if they felt bad, so I don’t want to risk it.  Then I constantly question myself. What if I’m wrong? What if I just keep getting these thoughts over the years and they aren’t valid? Like, I’ve been pushing it away since I was a young teenager, it’s been 10+ years and I still worry that it’s all just some an inner hoax of emotions. What if I feel worse after transition? Bitch, like it can get any worse?? You already hate your body and voice, and would prefer to be seen as a man, how could it possibly get worse than it is??

on a brighter note - I started buying clothes from the mens department again, for the first time since high school. It feels great honestly ♡ Also bought a sports bra that sits so snugly and flat that it almost looks like a binder - it’s a blessing atm. While I do hate these fat blobs on my chest, I am grateful that they aren’t bigger than they are. Size B is already way too much - how bout size 0, can you fix that, universe? Even told my mom the other day that I’d rather just have ‘em chopped off, she didn’t even bat an eye (we’ve discussed this years ago also, she knows I hate ‘em). She have no idea about me being dysphoric though, and I won’t tell her anytime soon as it feels now. I’m sure she would be supportive - she’s the loveliest mom ever - but I want to feel 100% comfortable being called he/him first. I adore it, feels great, but also new and weird?? Like, it feels weird in a good way, and I am starting to get accustomed to it, even if it’s only through text so far. Stood in front of the mirror yesterday and tried my name and pronoun out-loud and it felt real nice ♡

#captain's log #tw dysphoria #late night ramblings #transgender

[aplaceforthesoul]

Anonymous submitted:

I often feel like i am mentally stuck between two immovable emotional objects, ending my life seems to feel like the only rational option despite cognitively being able to understand that is a permanent solution to a temporary emotional state of mind. I feel really lost in life. Perhaps to provide some context, i’m very close to the age of the admins of this blog.

I don’t feel like i really deserve to be so self-loathing or upset constantly; I was born healthy to a stable family situation and live in an industrialized nation. But recently those negative thoughts have gotten enti strong. I feel like crying often for no reason whatsoever

I have diagnosed issues with anxiety (specifically OCD & full-on panic attacks) social interaction and low moods (not diagnosed). I pretty much failed pre-University school because i thought i was just like that, i was born to fail. What i didn’t realize at the time was that this is when my mental issues were at their worst. As was evident from the fact that i was spending hours of my day consumed by them, thinking this was fine.

I graduated University quite recently (only with a passing grade, mind you; mostly due to ongoing mental-health related issues that were stable in my first year of Uni, commuting certainly did not help. Currently in the adjudication/appeal process). I’m afraid of applying for jobs in my field (a STEM subject), fearing rejection is only going to push me further down into a dysphoric mood. I made a start by applying jobs that aren’t mall jobs for a few the past few days. I don’t expect anything earth shattering soon. I don’t really have any close friends, most of the people i know, all of which are from Uni, are at best casual acquaintances. I’m trying to push myself to build a solid social circle, or i was.

Since i graduated, i haven’t had much contact with the outside world. I have never done anything ever with a girl (i’m a straight guy), i’m not embarrassed by this, just feel like i am completely undesirable to women. I often see girls flirting with other guys, so that feels like a hint to being ugly af. I’m afraid if i do ever get into something with a girl (that’ll be the hell freezes over) i would have no idea what to do and find myself in the middle of an ocean without a paddle. Worrying i’m going to be a complete failure with women who is clingy or controlling or any other undesirable characteristic.

The big sleep feels a lot more tempting to me recently. Sorry for the wall of text, i don’t have anyone else to talk to atm.

depression, anxiety and other mental health issues can affect anyone, of any age, at any time. you only need to look towards people like chester bennington (linkin park), robin williams, and michael jackson to see proof of that. no matter how successful you could be, no matter how happy people think you should be? you can still develop a mental illness, it doesn’t discriminate. 

it’s weird how much of an oxymoron it is, but it really does make some sense that you feel it’s rational to end your life yet knowing at the same time how irrational it is. I get the impression that your thoughts + feelings are suicidal ideation, that you don’t have a direct and immediate impulse to kill yourself? but for the sake of caution -- if you do feel like you’re at risk to yourself or you feel an urge to do something dangerous and life-threatening? please please please contact friends and family, emergency services, anyone at all. you deserve to be helped, you deserve to live. 

I’m not a professional, I can’t say with certainty what’s causing this current self loathing and upset state of being? which makes it really hard to suggest solutions! ): maybe it’s rooted in fear and insecurity at not finding intimacy and acceptance in a romantic relationship, maybe it’s stemming from anxiety and a lack of friends and feeling disconnected and isolated, maybe it’s due to biological reasons (such as low serotonin / dopamine) and the overall lack of confidence and low self esteem is just exacerbating that? I’m really not too sure. 

my best advice would be to seek help from someone who’s a professional, someone who’s trained and qualified in mental health. you mentioned being diagnosed with anxiety (panic attacks and OCD), so I’m guessing you’ve gotten help at some point? but if you’re unsure at the moment of how to go about chatting to someone professional, then this post could help (▰˘◡˘▰)

in addition to potentially working towards getting help? try to avoid isolating yourself whenever you can, get back to encouraging yourself to build a more solid network of friends. it can be so hard -- especially when you’re fighting against anxiety, possible panic attacks, and the very nature of depression where it draws you into darkness? and there are going to be some days where you just feel like shit and you have no energy to socialise, that’s alright too. but fight whenever you can against the impulse to spend time by yourself, spend time with friends, take it one day at a time. it’s important to have friends, us human beings are social creatures!! and by nature we thrive on social interaction and social contact, we need some friends in our lives to survive and to feel loved and cared for. right now you feel isolated and disconnected and lonely? so to combat that, slowly integrate yourself back into social interactions and meet-ups, have open + genuine conversations with friends that sometime touch on emotional well-being (encourages a friendship to be more authentic and connected), see how things go. good luck friend, keep me updated on how things work out for you xxx

- tash ps I like the name you attached to the submission! love vance joy a lot 😌

#advice #submission #depression #anxiety #suicide #suicide tw #suicidal ideation #OCD #panic attack #self esteem