#people cannot keep getting it this fucking wrong consistently I will start screaming. I will.

[borom1r]

I've always head-canon/referred to the language as Rohirric, just made sense in my mind, along the lines of Rohirrim-multiple people/nation, Rohir-singular person. I also use it to refer to anything cultural; a Rohirric poem/saga, a Rohirric wedding. Thoughts?

I tend to default to Rohirric = culture and Rohanese = language for no real reason other than Rohanese is the most documented term Tolkien used for the language in his notes, but at the same time even Tolkien went back and forth + other Tolkien scholars use Rohirric for the language so it really doesn’t matter— at the end of the day, use whatever sounds best to you!

(ultimately I do think Rohirric sounds better than Rohanese by a MILE and ik it’s more widely used in fandom so there’s that too lol)

#ive definitely gone back and forth/called the language ‘Rohirric’ bc it does sound better lmao #it’s also fundamentally upsetting to me how many resources are like ‘and here’s a list of Rohanese words :)’ and then it’s just the fucking #Old English. or ‘here’s a list of Westron words’ and it includes attested Rohanese words. I’m going to start throwing bricks #people cannot keep getting it this fucking wrong consistently I will start screaming. I will. #I need to go straight to the fucking source at this rate sir PLEASE #pspspspspspspsps ooooooooo I was a GNSD major ooooooo u wanna let me look at Tolkien’s notes so bad #(GNSD = German Nordic Scandinavian & Dutch)

[xythlia]

rambling about writer stuff & general community stuff

that person who said a work with a large note count is the one most people will interact with based on the assumption of "oh it has 1k+ it must be good!" is absolutely correct. the only work of mine that consistently gets interaction even though I posted it forever ago is the one with the highest overall note count.

That is to say people are basically window shopping and only looking at what's "popular" and it can feel like such a mental hurdle to hear others be like ~notes don't matter🥰~ because you also wanna scream yes they fucking do!! and there's nothing weird or embarrassing about the fact that it matters to you, we all love attention it's literally a feature of our species that we love social interaction and attention there's nothing bad about that it's neutral as far as I'm concerned. If anything I think people who shame others for that are weird.

it's also mad discouraging for people to hear over and over "oh don't be silly and make yourself upset comparing yourself to someone else! Everyones work is good!" while yes that's true, it's also... incredibly unhelpful? 9/10 times people already know that, they've heard it enough. All it really serves to do is further push people into the line of thought that "there must be something wrong with me/my work/my art that nobody's telling me" and when you're stuck in a feedback loop of people saying that shit to you it feels like what Eric Andre said about holding hands with kids in a circle around someone chanting "NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE NIGHTMARE" to fuck with them.

I think what happens is people get really caught up in the euphoria of popularity and then also do not wanna share it. That's not to say everyone acts like that because they don't there's plenty of larger blogs that are extremely helpful to others in their communities and do a really great job of being encouraging and giving meaningful, actionable advice but it's not the majority of bloggers. I think sometimes, more than we like to admit, it can be very very satisfying in a mean way to keep a faux barrier up.

I'm not saying anyone is intentionally cruel but it feels cruel to be the other person on the side of that faux barrier, frustrated that you seemingly can't do what they can. That's not the truth.

What people don't say is they use things like canva premium, picsart, photoshop/the free equivalent photopea, pinterest, templates from deviantart creators, capcut, ect to create a lot of the popular aesthetic looking posts you see. If it frustrates you that you don't know how to, you can find tutorials on youtube in an instant teaching you how to make those too now that you know the names of the apps or programs.

Writing resources like grammarly, scribens, online word counters, onelook, wordhippo, springhole.net, the ultimate guide to writing smut fic (on ao3 by QuinnAnderson), ect. those also aren't shared as often as they should be. each of those resources does different things but all are incredibly useful for writing anything, not just fanfic. (I cannot stress enough how helpful that smut guide is if you wanna get into writing that, definitely read through it).

I think this unwillingness to share things contributes to the overall slump a lot of fandom communities are in. You can't know where to start looking if you don't know what it is you're looking for. You also can't improve if tools that could help you aren't made available to you. It's beyond frustrating to be in the position of "I know what's popular but I don't know how I can do that too".

#like please do not think theres anything wrong with you or what you create there isn't #its just really difficult to carve out a foothold when you feel like you're clueless & nobodys willing to help #the unwillingness to share even basic resources does favors for nobody #so many people are mind blowingly talented but held back by things like being unable to get straight up helpful answers

[emilemily]

How do you keep something to yourself that is breaking you?

I want to say so many things to you, but I can’t utter a word and instead sit here silently with red hot rage brewing in my stomach. You make small talk as if you’re completely unaware. Possibly because we’ve been packing and moving stuff all day and you think I’m just tired.

I’m not using my silence or short answers to manipulate you into realizing something is wrong, I just genuinely can’t speak on it. I try to think of the words to say and literally none of them would do it.

Why am I paralyzed by fear? Why can’t I just speak up and tell you how I feel, what I want, and what I don’t want anymore?

Is it the fear of being completely alone, roughing it solo once again? Is it the thought of losing you? Is it the despair I feel when I imagine the life I thought we’d live, the life we talk about sometimes, slipping away? All of the above?

Ultimately, there are some very huge core differences between us that just are not changing. My resentment is eating me alive.

You’re so good and so kind, but so forgetful. You’re unreliable. You’re consistently on your own time, and when anyone tries to get you to switch speeds you’re defensive and annoyed. You spend 98% of your time stoned, which I didn’t mind at first, but…

When you’re consistently altering your mind every single day and multiple times a day, you become numb. You lose all your motivation, and it shows. You don’t have much to offer the conversation. You’re not doing anything to move forward, while I desperately want to move forward.

You’re pissing away your life by numbing yourself every single fucking day and I get so tired of trying to talk to you and realizing you’re so high we can barely hold a conversation. I want to scream because I’m lonely. You’re numb and carefree all the time and it’s as if I’m left alone to deal with life by myself.

Don’t misunderstand, I don’t mind pot. I used to smoke frequently. But my brain is so incredibly sensitive to substances these days. When I smoke multiple day in a row I start feeling paranoid, extremely depressed, so anxious I’m vibrating. I literally cannot live the same lifestyle.

It is incredibly hard to be a non-smoker with a daily smoker. It’s hard to do everything with you while you’re high. Grocery shopping, running other errands, moving, going to the gas station, literally anything.

And the main problem lies within the fact that when you don’t have your pot, you’re unpleasant. You’re harsh and you’re mean, you lack tact. You snap and hurt my feelings. You’re not the same person I got to know and fell in love with. The problem is that I fell in love with the version of you that you are when you’re high, I just didn’t know it at the time.

Do I really know the you without the pot? I don’t.

And I tire of being around people who have to consistently be stoned to do things.. to exist. And that is not simply me being judgmental, that is me growing and evolving and realizing what I do and don’t want in my life.

I love substances! I take kratom often. I take Vyvanse daily. I’m not anti-drugs by any means and have surely had my fill of them. I have two doses of acid in my purse right now!

But I don’t want to be with a pothead. I’ve done this for long enough and in multiple past relationships. It is now officially the fatal flaw.

Now what to do with that?

[candlewaxandp0lar0ids]

if I can never give you peace — one || Jungkook

Pairing: Jungkook x reader // Word count (chapter): 6k // Genre: Mafia AU, Hybrid AU, enemies to lovers // Ao3

↳ It starts like quite a few stories do, in your world. Girl meets boy, who happens to be a hybrid, girl buys him at an auction where hybrids are sold, boy falls in love with her, girl gets bored of him. Then it’s not so typical anymore, when the boy ends up forced into illegal fighting rings, until he makes a wrong move and the girl’s father decides he needs to be killed.

Where does that leave you? Well, you’re the one who handled Jungkook’s fight and generally organized his life, and, when the girl’s father, your boss and mafia leader, tells you he wants him ‘put down’, you’re the one who has to get it done. Except, instead, you let him escape, and everything turns out fine.

Until he comes back.

Warnings and tags (chapter): Descriptions of violence, Minor Character Death, Guns, kind of dark in general

Previous · Next

The first gunshot takes everyone by surprise. Unsure glances are exchanged all around, “did you guys hear that”, and disbelief is clear as day on people’s faces. There’s no way this would happen here, right? People are mostly aware of the fact that they’re technically working for a mafia leader, but this is the legal side of the business, and this building is in the middle of the town’s business centre. This cannot be happening.

You stay perfectly still, immobile where you were standing. Out of all the people here, you’re the one who is the most involved in the questionable parts of the family’s activities. In fact, you were just about to go up to Mr. X’s floor to discuss said questionable things — in this case, the smuggling of a large cargo of weapons.

The gunshot is still ringing in your ears when it is followed by another one, and then possibly more, but you can’t hear them because chaos erupts all around you.

People get up, start running around, some towards the elevators, some towards the stairs. Your brain tells you those choices are probably bad. If those gunshots are for the Family — and who are you kidding, they are — then whoever is firing them is coming up.

“Don’t use the stairs,” you order, and some people stop to look at you, unsure of what to do. They trust your decisions, to a degree, but you doubt it’s enough in this situation. “They’re probably coming,” you explain, even if three of the employees have already slipped through the door and left, “and I don’t think you should be in front of the elevator when the door opens.”

Blood drains from people’s faces. Downstairs, there are more shots fired. A woman starts to cry. Your brain is going in overdrive, processing everything, trying to come up with the best decision, and yet it doesn’t feel like anything is actually registering.

“You should barricade yourself in a room,” you say. Your voice is eerily calm, even to your ears, and it feels strange to hear it. It’s like a curtain has fallen between you and the world around you. You understand that this situation is terrifying, that you should have a reaction that is not apathy. You just don’t. “I don’t think you’re the main targets here. I’ll be going up to see Mr. X.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” a man shouts. “You just want to leave us here to be canon fodder! You—”

He’s shut up by your bodyguard pulling out a gun of his own.

“I suggest you do what she’s saying,” he orders, voice deep and gravelly.

On top of being armed, Hector is a bear hybrid you hired about a year ago. He’s tall and large, very impressive physically, which is generally enough to discourage any kind of altercation. He’s also a calm and gentle person most of the time. This is the first time you’ve ever seen him hold the gun he carries.

“You should stay here with them,” you tell him. He send you a disconcerted look.

“Are you sure? Even if they’re not the target, you might be.”

The statement shouldn’t take you by surprise. It’s something you should have considered immediately, and it takes you a second to figure out why you haven’t. If you are a target, that means the attacker knows about the workings of the organization. That would mean that they’ve been planning this for a while, and that they’ve simply gone completely under your radar all this time. Which is a lot more worrying to you than anything else.

“Stay,” you insist. When this is over, it will be better if people here think you had their best interest at heart.

If you make it out, that is.

Hector ushers people inside a conference room, and you walk towards the stairs. From there, you hear gunshots better than you did earlier, and you wince at the sound. You’re not used to it. It’s strange, since you’ve been working for the Family for years now, but you’ve very rarely heard people firing guns. You’ve never even had a gun pulled on you. You’d like to think it’s because you’re too careful, or too smart to find yourself in those situations, but the truth is you’ve just never been in situations where that sort of things would happen.

Sure, someone could send a killer for you — they have, actually — and then the carefully crafted net of precautions you’ve woven around yourself would — did — stop them, but you don’t participate in drug deals and you’re rarely out in the street, and that’s where those things happen most of the time.

You glance down. You’re on the fifteenth floor, so you doubt the employees who ignored your warning have made it out yet. You doubt they will, to be honest.

Glancing up, you wonder if you’ll make it to the twentieth before someone catches up with you and, since it’s a useless thing to think about, you begin your ascension. You’re not the most in shape, most of your daily exercise consisting in walking from places to places. That is a lot of walking, and you can do it without getting breathless, but you never take the stairs. Soon, you’re panting, and you’re about to take a break after three floors when you hear new gunshots that make you freeze.

These were in the stairwell. They echo deafeningly, and, for the first time since this all started, fear actually grips you. You swallow, heart beating loudly, and you keep going. You hear some screams, down there, and the horrible sound of flesh — bodies — hitting the floor, and then nothing. You’re sure someone must be climbing up those stairs, but you can’t hear them at all, and that terrifies you. You have no idea how fast they are, how soon they’ll catch up with you, how—

You slam open the door to the last floor. The time is not to discretion, and anyway, whoever is down there is probably coming for the twentieth floor.

The second you walk out, three guns are pointed towards you, and someone is screaming at you to stay where you are. You obey, until Mr. X’s bodyguards identify you. You had told him that hiring hybrids would be a good idea, since they rely more on their heightened senses and tend to have better reflexes, but you’d been ignored, so you had just shrugged it off and followed your own advice.

“Mr. X is inside,” one of the men tells you, pointing at the door, but not moving to take you there. You walk by him, and they all keep their eyes firmly on the stairwell’s door. That makes you assume the elevators don’t work, otherwise they’d have part of their focus on there.

“Mr. X, do we have any idea what— Miss Xanders, I apologize, I hadn’t seen you there.”

“It’s fine, (Y/N),” Anna says. “We really have more important things to concern ourselves with.”

“Do we know who’s attacking us?” you ask, giving your attention back to Mr. Xanders.

Mr. Xanders is an old man, you feel that he was already an old man when you’d joined. He had Anna quite late, when he was nearing his fifties, and he recently celebrated his seventieth birthday. You would know, you organized the party.

He’s looked old for as long as you’ve worked for him, using a walking stick, small eyes hidden behind large glasses, skin marked with wrinkles. But there was always something sharp and smart, cunning, in his eyes. Despite everything, he felt dangerous, and you had never doubted that he was not a man to underestimate.

Right now, though, he looks tired. Exhausted. He’s staring at his laptop screen and shaking his head, utterly confused.

“I can’t recognize anyone,” he says, and your heart misses a beat. Not good, that’s not good at all. “Can you?”

You walk around the desk quickly, examining the view you get from various cameras placed all around the building, and your hands involuntarily clench into fists as you see how dire everything is. On several different floors, men with machine guns are walking around, and you know for a fact they’re not working for you. You can’t see what’s happened to your people in the low-resolution, but you can guess, and your stomach tightens at the thought.

“How is that possible?” you whisper. “How has no one intervened yet?”

You know the police isn’t too keen on coming here, but this is genuinely insane. The only explanation you can think of is that they’ve been paid-off, and again, you don’t know how you wouldn’t have heard about that.

“That’s not what I asked you,” Mr. X says harshly, and you wince, focusing again on the men on the screen. You scan the men again, quickly. Some are wearing masks, but a lot of them are brazenly showing their faces, and that is one more thing that is not good. They should want to make sure no one would recognize them. If they’re confident enough to do that…

“I don’t know them,” you whisper. Some look vaguely familiar, but you just can’t place it, so you’re sure they aren’t big names. You have definitely not been on the look-out for them.

“Dad, we should really go up to the helicopter,” Anna says urgently.

Mr. Xanders hesitates, then nods, getting up in a movement that is slow and clearly painful. You help him out without thinking much about it, holding his arm and giving him his walking stick.

“How will you do that? The elevators aren’t working and the stairs don’t go to the roof.”

“We’ll reactivate the elevators,” Anna explains with a shrug, and you stare at her in disbelief.

“That will mean those people will be able to move freely in the building. I don’t think—”

“They are already moving freely,” Mr. Xanders barks.

“Still—”

Then, a lot of things happen at the same time. You were standing in front of the elevator, Anna calling it with a special key, the bodyguards surrounding you, eyes and weapons still directed at the stairwell door.

The elevator opens with a ding. And the door slams open.

There are gunshots everywhere. You dive to the ground, or maybe you’re pushed down, you’re not too sure. You look up to see two men falling down around you, the third guard ushering Anna and her father in. You try to push yourself to your feet, but the door is already closing. You call out, you can’t hear your own voice, ears ringing from all the noise.

You meet Anna’s eyes, filled with indifference and a complete lack of remorse, and then the door is closed, and you know they’re gone.

And someone, someone who wanted them dead and just killed two men, is in this room with you.

Slowly, oh so slowly, you turn around. As you do, you feel your lower lip starting to tremble, and you sink your teeth into the flesh to stop it. You push yourself on your elbows, and your eyes fall on a man with bleached blonde hair pushed back with a bandana, a round face that makes him look younger than you suspect he is, and a mocking smirk. Once more, you’re struck by the fact that you don’t know him. He’s alone and he took out two trained guards, not to mention the people he must have killed to get there, and you have no clue who he is.

His eyes confuse you, at first, and then you realize it’s their color that is throwing you off, an unnatural yellow, and the slit of his pupils. He’s a hybrid, you understand, and you curse yourself for how slow your brain is at the moment. You don’t have time to wonder if he’s part cat or part snake before he takes a step towards you. Fear grips you, and you consider crawling back, but you force yourself to stay unmoving. You don’t let emotions control you. That’s not who you are.

Instead, you stare at him straight in the eyes, even as you feel tears well up in yours. You’ve never been afraid of death, and yet it seems that you can’t stop your body’s reaction as you understand that this is it. This is how you die, where you die, this is who kills you.

The man crouches down in front of you, and lifts his gun to press the barrel against your forehead. He looks at you like an animal playing with its food. The situation seems to be amusing to him, and you think he is waiting for you to beg. You have no intention of doing that.

“Just make it quick,” you say.

You don’t recognize your own voice. The man’s smile widens, revealing pearly white teeth and a set of fangs. Tears start to roll down your cheeks, and you’re completely unable to stop them. You don’t feel sad or afraid, you just feel empty, but the tears keep falling. Still, you hold the man’s gaze. You won’t beg for your life.

“What if I let you go?” he drawls, and you can’t help the way your eyes widen at the possibility. Then, he laughs, pleased by your reaction, and you’re horrified to find out that this had an effect on you. The treacherous hope you’d just felt makes the reality of your imminent death crushing. A sob escapes you before you can get yourself under control again.

“Please,” you whisper. “Just get it over with.”

A pout forms on his face, and he shrugs. Then, to your surprise, he removes the gun from your forehead. The next thing you feel is the grip of the weapon, violently connecting with your temple, and then you don’t feel anything at all, not even the floor when your head hits it in your fall.

You wake up to the sound of soft, muffled sobs. It takes you a few seconds to piece things together, your head throbbing painfully and your mind in shambles. You lift your head with a groan, trying to take in your surroundings. Your thoughts are slow and you hate it. It makes you feel so vulnerable and defenseless.

Of course, that gets worse when you realize your hands are tied behind your back. That sends a jolt of adrenaline through your body, and you manage to look around you. It seems like you are in some warehouse, which, in your experience, is not a good thing. That’s where executions happen. They’re places that are accident prone, so the presence of blood could be explained easily, and they aren’t inspected that often anyway.

There's another sob beside you, and when you turn to look where it’s coming from, you find Anna, not just tied up but gagged, tears streaming down her cheeks. You assume that means her and her father were caught before they made it to the helicopter. On the other side of her is Mr. X, who seems to be in the same situation as her.

I’m here to be killed, you think. You can’t see another explanation. Mr. X and Anna are definitely here for that reason, so if you’re there with them— it means you’re here to die. You hope it will be quick, like you had asked that man, but you doubt it. If they took you here, it’s probably because they intend to make an example out of you. Intellectually, you don’t blame them. If this is a takeover of the family, they’ll probably need all the intimidation power they can get to keep the situation under control. It’s a ballsy move, certainly, and you would be at least a little impressed if you weren’t thinking about the creative and painful ways they can choose to get rid of you.

“Is she awake?” a voice asks. You turn your head quickly, too quickly, and another groan escapes you as your head painfully reminds you of the blow you just took.

You meet the mocking eyes of the man who knocked you out, before he looks away from you, at a large man you don’t think you’ve seen before.

“He wants to see her.”

The man nods, and then he’s on you in just a few steps, roughly forcing you up, his grip tight around your arm. You groan again as he drags you through the warehouse, to a large black car. You have just the time to think that someone must not want to be seen, if they’re in that, before you’re pushed into it. You lose your balance and land on your knees, and that’s when legs appear in your field of vision. They’re clad in black suit trousers.

You slowly look up. First, you discover elbows resting on spread knees, tattooed hands joined between them. Then there’s an elegant white shirt, unbuttoned at the top, muscular shoulders, a strong jaw, an amused, mocking smile and—

Your mouth drops open. Today is definitely proving to be a trying day for your reputation of never expressing your emotions, no matter the situation.

“Jungkook?” you ask, in disbelief.

Because it’s him. There’s something harsher in his eyes, his hair is longer, dark locks falling down to his jaw, and he’s lost any remaining softness he still had two years ago, when you last saw him, but it’s definitely him. He looks confident, and he’s more relaxed than you’ve ever seen him, clearly knowing that he’s in full control of the situation.

“Hey,” he says. “Wanna take a seat?”

He watches you struggle to get to your feet, something that turns out not to be that easy when your hands are tied behind your back, and doesn’t make a movement to help you. When you manage to sit opposite him, you’re still watching him like you’ve seen a ghost.

“What are you doing here?”

You know you should be able to piece things together to get an answer now. The deferential tone the man had when he talked about him earlier, everything that happened since these first gunshots… In another situation, it would be obvious to you. But because it’s Jungkook, you can’t bring yourself to come to the natural conclusion.

Jungkook had an out. He could have left this world behind altogether. So why wouldn’t he?

“Come on, you’re supposed to be smart,” he says, mocking, and his smile is harsh and condescending. “I’m taking over for the Xanders family. I think that should have been pretty clear.”

There’s a moment of silence, a long moment, as he waits for it to sink in. He’s in no hurry.

“But why?”

He shrugs, lean back against the leather seat.

“Because I can. Don’t you wanna why you’re here?”

That… would be a good idea, actually, and you’re bothered by how long it took you to think about it. You’re also bothered by how you lost track of that the second you saw Jungkook. You blame it on the surprise and on the fact that you’ve known him since before you became as— you’d like to say ‘efficient’, but the right word is probably ‘emotionless’. Empty.

“Why am I here?” you ask, frowning. If he wanted to kill you, he would have done it outside. It could be that he just wants to gloat, but something tell you he has—

“I have an offer for you,” he says, and then he grins and reveals his teeth. “It’s my way of saying thanks for how generous you were when you gave me five minutes to save my life.”

His tone is so abrasive it almost makes you wince, but you’re already falling back into your normal self. ‘Offer’ is a good thing, it means negotiation, conversation, things you can do, things you’re good at, things you can focus on to block out everything else, like the pain in your head or the guilt that settles in when he describes your actions.

“What offer?”

The grin disappears. He doesn’t seem happy he didn’t get a reaction from you.

“Work for me.”

That… makes sense, you suppose.

“I’m taking over for Mr. X. You know everything around here, and some people say you’re the best there is at what you do.” Then he shrugs, and casually pulls out a gun that you think was tucked in his back pocket. “That, or join him out there. I’m not sure you’ll like the outcome for that though.”

Despite the obvious threat, you can’t help but seriously consider the offer. If there’s one thing you’re sure of, it’s that it’s not a good one. Even if he manages to replace Mr. X, you doubt all the people who work for him will obey him. Stabilizing the whole thing will be a titanic task, but that’s not even what worries you — you can appreciate a challenge. No, the issue is that if you switch your allegiance, people will remember it. You will make a lot of enemies, and that doesn’t even include the people who simply will not trust you because you used to work for someone else. It’s a poisoned gift, really, and you’re sure Jungkook knows it.

“How do you plan on making the families follow suit?” you ask with a frown.

He rolls his eyes.

“Do people ever tell you how boring you are?”

They do, actually.

“This is not the only coup happening today. Some people who have already agreed to work for me will get in power. And the others… will take some convincing, but I’m sure they’ll come around.” He gives you a joyless, aggressive smile.

You’re still focused on his first words. You were already so puzzled that you wouldn’t have heard about what’s going on today — about how Jungkook is back in town, about how he’s been planning an entire takeover — but this is on a whole other level.

“How did you do that?” you ask, and when he lifts an eyebrow, you know you didn’t manage to keep your surprise out of your voice.

“Which part?”

“How did I not hear about that? I mean, Mr. X could sneeze and I would have known about it. People couldn’t open speakeasies without getting approved by me first — and they tried more than once.”

Jungkook looks at you, and disbelief passes on his face. This is what gets you? You couldn’t be bothered to give a shit about anything earlier, now you seem barely affected by the fact that he was threatening to kill you, but that caught your interest. Not just that, but you almost look impressed.

Okay, maybe you’re not as boring as he’d said, but you sure are fucking weird.

“We can smell you,” he says, tapping his nose. “It’s not too hard to figure out who you’re in contact with. Just had to make sure to avoid them. There were a few close calls, but we took care of it.” Then he shrugs. “It wasn’t as hard as you think it was. You’re not as cautious around hybrids.”

You stare at him for a while. He starts picking at his suit, looking annoyed by the turn the situation has taken, and you think about what he said. He’s right, you realize. You fucked up here — badly. You should have taken hybrids’ senses into consideration. You’d like to tell yourself that you didn’t think about it because there were no hybrids in high places, in the organization, but that’s not a good excuse. You file the information in your brain. You’ll do better.

“I’ll do it,” you say, and Jungkook glances at you.

“What changed your mind?”

“I’m— curious, I suppose. I’d like to see where this thing is going.”

Jungkook considers taking back his offer. He didn’t know what he thought would happen, but he expected it to be more interesting than this. Instead, you sat there, face as stiff as ever, and now you’re talking about being curious, which sounds wildly out of character, if you ask him. Yoongi’s told him you cried when you thought he was about to kill him, but he doubts it right now. It doesn’t look like anything can get through that thick shell of yours — and even if it did, he doesn’t think there would be a lot underneath it.

But the thing is, he was telling the truth earlier, when he said you were rumored to be the best there was at your job, and Jungkook is nothing if not a perfectionist. He likes to surround himself with the best. Which, unfortunately, means you.

“Suga!” he shouts, opening the door.

The man with the slit pupils jumps in easily, and looks at you with a disapproving twist of his lips.

“I’m not killing her, am I?”

He sounds disappointed.

Jungkook shakes his head in response.

“That’s Suga,” he tells you, pointing at the man. “He’ll explain how we work to you.”

You nod.

“I think he should kill you,” Suga informs you off-handedly, dropping on the seat next to you. “I think you’ll betray us.”

“If she does, I’ll kill her, if she fucks up her job, I’ll kill her, ” Jungkook says, and you have no doubt he means it. “Consider this your five minutes. Let them go, and you won’t have another shot.”

“That’s fine by me,” you say evenly. Betrayal has never been an option for you. You had no loyalty towards Mr. X, but the threat over your family was too big to risk it. And now, with Jungkook— you guess you’ll have to wait and see. You don’t think you’ll betray him, but if things turn sour… You suppose you’re not above it.

Maybe it should worry you, how little you value your own life, but you brush it off quickly. Thinking about it too much could compromise the way you do your job, and you can’t have that.

“So,” Jungkook says, leaning back, eyes watching you carefully. “What do you suggest we do with the Xanders?”

Suga opens his mouth, but Jungkook lifts a hand, signaling that he wants your answer. You wonder if this is some kind of test.

“Killing them would be the best decision,” you say, somewhat reluctantly. You know your decisions in the past, your suggestions, have lead to the death of people, but you’ve rarely been so direct about it. Then again, death is part of the game, when you work this kind of job. Mr. Xanders is about as close to an actual monster as it gets. And Anna… Well, maybe Anna isn’t. You don’t like her, and you absolutely believe that she was happy to enjoy everything that came with what her father did, but she’s not him. Which is a low bar to clear.

“She’s not wrong,” Suga echoes, sounding annoyed.

“Letting them live would be seen as a proof of weakness and they would try to come back. It’s just— a bad idea.”

You can see Jungkook’s jaw tensing. Next to you, Suga starts to make his leg shake. You suppose he has the same kind of bad feeling you do.

“What if we kill Mr. X but not Anna?” he asks, and Suga groans. Jungkook rolls his eyes and develops. “Yoongi, we’re not taking over the legal part of the business. We can just— leave that to her, and not bother about it.”

“We’ll have to figure out something else to launder money,” you say, because that was the main point of that side of things, legal just in name really. That is not your biggest concern, though. “But if you kill her father and not her—”

“That’s bullshit and you know it,” Yoongi snaps. “She needs to die.”

He’s right. It’s just the smart thing to do.

“People here aren’t impressed by mercy,” you insist, and that’s when you realize you’ve lost that fight already. Jungkook knows it. There’s no way he doesn’t. He’s made his decision, even if it’s a bad one, and trying to change his mind is useless. So you’re quick to jump to the things that need to be done if he lets Anna live. “You need to get her to sign emancipation papers.”

Jungkook tenses suddenly at the suggestion and a low growl comes from his throat as he bares his teeth at you threateningly. Yoongi barely moves, but you see his hand settling on his hip, near his gun, which you guess serves as a reassuring gesture. The car fills with tension, and you swallow. You feel small and defenseless. It’s not that rare a sentiment, but you suddenly become extremely aware of the fact that you’re alone with them, hands still fucking tied behind your back, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do.

“Anna doesn’t own me,” Jungkook snarls.

“Legally she does,” you explain. You’re choosing your words carefully, making sure not to anger him any more, but you’re still staring right at him. “You may have forged an ID or something, but if she lives and she can prove she hasn’t freed you— the consequences will be bad.”

There is a second that feels like an eternity, Jungkook just staring at you, lips now in a tight line, before he shrugs and you can breathe again.

“Okay. Let’s do that.”

Yoongi groans and sends you a furious glare that you don’t understand. You agreed with him. What did you do to deserve that?

“I’ll take care of Xanders,” Jungkook adds. “C’mon. Let’s go.”

“Can someone— Can someone untie me?” you ask as they’re moving towards the door.

Jungkook glances at you.

“We’ll see when we come back.”

A grin flashes on his lips when your lips twist into an offended expression, and then he jumps out of the car, followed by Yoongi, and leaves you alone in there.

Fuck.

What an asshole.

Jungkook walks towards his captives with long, confident strides. Yoongi is right behind him, of course, his shadow, the perfect killer. He may disapprove of Jungkook’s plan, if you can even call it that, and he sure doesn’t like how easily you dropped the topic, but he’s still loyal to him. If he fucks up, he’ll clean up after him.

Jungkook savors the moment when Anna’s eyes fall on him. He can tell she recognizes him immediately by the way they widen and how she tries to speak through her gag. It’s been years since the last time he saw her. Much longer than the last time he saw you, which leaves a bitter taste in his mouth. He’s thought about this so much. A long time ago, he dreamt of her telling him she wanted him back, but over the years, it mostly turned into him finally taking revenge, and he intends to fully savor it now that it’s happening.

He removes the gag from her mouth, and takes an unhealthy pleasure from the way she sobs out, loud and desperate.

“Jungkook, Jungkook, baby, please, please…”

Jungkook only needs to glance at Yoongi for him to set her free, albeit after an annoyed roll of his eyes. The second he does, Anna falls from the chair, right into his arms. Jungkook knows that she’s only trying to save her life, doubts she’s thought of him for more than a split second since he’s disappeared, but that doesn’t mean he’s not going to enjoy it.

“Hey baby,” he grins, and he watches as she winces when she sees his sharp teeth. Right, she didn’t see him after that.

Fuck. It’s been a long, long time. She really didn’t give a fuck about him, huh?

And yet he can’t kill her. And yet he knows her bright, pleading eyes, the light weight of her body, the curve of her neck by heart.

“I’m going to need you to do something for me,” he says, voice deep and eyes boring into hers.

She blinks.

“And if I do you won’t— you won’t kill me?”

Jungkook’s opinion of Anna is far less charitable than yours. He thinks she’s an opportunist, will do anything to preserve herself and, sure, she’s not personally involved in her father’s business, but she wouldn’t bat an eye if she was. She likes to play the innocent girl who’s horrified by what’s going on with her family, but she just isn’t. As simple as that.

“Nah. I won’t.”

It doesn’t take long before Anna is kneeling on the floor, writing down what Yoongi is dictating to her, reading from his phone. Jungkook could do it, knows the text by heart, learned it a long time ago when he still hoped for it, but he just stays there immobile instead, watching her at his mercy.

It’s not as nice as he’d imagined.

Finally, she hands him the piece of paper with trembling hands, a small smile forming on her lips as she thinks that her nightmare is over.

Jungkook takes it, reads it over, and nods. Then he pulls his gun out, and Anna’s smile vanishes. Jungkook thrives on her reaction, on the idea that he has complete power over her in that moment. It feels dark and twisted, but fuck, it also feels good.

“But I—”

He shoots and Anna yelps, protecting her ears in reflex.

It takes her a second to realize he wasn’t aiming at her, and relief washes over her, before she understands what it means. She turns around, slowly. And screams.

A clean shot, Jungkook decides, looking at Mr. X. The man had been glaring at him the entire time, and he doubts he would have groveled like Anna had. Now, his blood is splattered on the floor, head thrown back, mouth open, staring at the ceiling with empty, dead eyes. Jungkook doesn’t care when Anna runs to him, sobbing, calling for him, trying to shake him awake.

“We’re going,” Jungkook announces to Yoongi, who finally seems a little less angry with him.

He doesn’t look back at Anna as he walks away.

You rub your wrists, then your shoulders after Yoongi has cut you free. Jungkook doesn’t say anything about it, just sits back in the luxurious car. You thought he would look content, happy with himself. He doesn’t.

When the car stops in front of your building, you’re not sure what to do. Part of you still can’t believe he’s letting you live.

“We’ll come and get you tomorrow to get things started,” Jungkook informs you while staring out the window. “You know, you probably should have moved two years ago,” he adds, and for some reason, that really rubs you the wrong way.

“I changed the locks,” you answer, and he grins.

“You still haven’t figured out how I did it, right?”

You frown. You haven’t.

He looks genuinely pleased by that.

“What should I call you?” you ask. “Do you want to be the new Mr. X?”

He growls at the suggestion, but seriously thinks about your question.

“Call me— Call me Mr. Jeon,” he decides spontaneously, without explaining his decision, and you nod. This should help make things more professional, isn’t if this isn’t actually a professional setting.

“Fine, Mr. Jeon. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

You’re pleased to find that your voice is back to normal, calm and even, not letting anyone know of whatever you’re feeling.

Except Jungkook and Yoongi can probably hear how fast your heart is still beating, but that’s a problem you’ll have to deal with some other time.

You step out, and linger there a second too long, the door open. Finally, you gather the courage to turn around and look at Jungkook.

“Why are you back?”

You mean a lot by that. In the city, sure, but also in that setting. You’d always thought— you’d always thought Jungkook was better than that. You’d always thought he should get the opportunity to get away and he’d be fine. That’s something you can’t shake away, can’t push under the rug.

He couldn’t escape.

He stares at you blankly.

“Where else am I supposed to go?”

Then he leans in and closes the door, and you’re left alone on the pavement.

Tagging list: @chaiwivluv​ @mintyrae​

#jungkook x reader #bts #bts x reader #jeon jungkook x reader #bts fanfic #jungkook fanfic #jungkook angst #jungkook #jeon jungkook #hybrid jungkook #bts mafia au #bts hybrid au #can you tell that jungkook isn't okay? #jungkook isn't okay #hope you'll like it! #candywrites

[ironwoodprotectionsquad]

I don't understand how so many RWBY stans can miss the part where James wanted to bring back communications, or where he had already saved most of Mantle, or where he put all of his trust in RWBY and Co. from the beginning only for them to stab him in the back.

CRWBY keep saying how they wanted to make "James' descent into Villainy subtle" but then they had him do things like scream and smash desks like a gorilla and attempt to drop a bomb on the mostly empty Mantle, which was just so out of character it gave me whiplash.

Nevermind the "him losing his arm shows his loss of humanity!" ableist garbage they try to forcefeed us. I don't even think Team RWBY was wrong to want to save everyone at first. I really liked the set-up for a morally grey story.

At first, neither James or RWBY were wrong. You could see where both sides were coming from. RWBY wanted to save everyone no matter the cost while, James, being a General and having to make tough calls, had to cut his losses and prioritize the safety of as many people as he could while accepting that he couldn't save everyone.

The problem is that, later, James gets treated like a Villain for having a very understandable position (especially because RWBY keeps witholding information from him) and RWBY never actually come up with a plan or try and work with James to find a better way to save people.

They just immediately turn their backs on him, which is a confusing narrative decision considering the fact that 1.) Salem's whole plan is to divide people, so you think Team RWBY would have a vested interest in uniting humanity and 2.) They accept other villains like Emerald and Raven (well, Ruby tried to reach out at least) but suddenly Ironwood, the man who stuck up for Ruby, defended Weiss, and gave Yang a new arm doesn't deserve that same kindness.

Regardless, even if you have only the most basic understanding of writing and what makes a good arc, it's not hard to see that James was poorly handled. There's no consistency in his characterization, his development into a Villain is ableist and clunky, the actual major Villains are pushed to the side as a result, and his descent into Villainy actively ignores the main themes of RWBY, to bring people together and to hope for a better world.

I can see why, they ignore that stuff because it contradicts what the writers say about their precious mains. The mains look kind of bad with all of the stuff they've done so CRWBY makes James evil because people side with him and fans desperately want to like the show and the mains so they accept that as reality even if it isn't and makes no sense. It's more of a refusal to see it then anything else.

Yea uh 'subtle' CRWBY no one's buying 'subtle'. Their are rumors that James was changed into a full blown villain last minute because too many people sided with him and not the precious mains despite them ALSO wanting to write a morally complex story. What's said is even if people started out siding with James they could have used the girls optimism and HOPE as a way to prove that sometimes even if things seem completely hopeless their is still hope. Have them prove to James that their would be another way and give him hope that he had long since lost back. This show is supposed to be a hopepunk but James's story is so hopeless it's hard to look at the girls and think they could ever be heroes or ever give hope to anyone. James's story really was just a major whiplash to try and make the mains look good but it actually makes them look worse and even almost villainous.

Oh I've talked about the painful ableism in the show, but god that was so messed up and wrong I cannot imagine why CRWBY thought that was okay to say. Even fans realized how fucked up it was to say, so they pretend CRWBY didn't say it and try and said RWDE'RS where the ones who said it because apparently denial makes things they don't like go away.

I agree, at first neither side was wrong, both sides had a point, Ruby was clinging onto hope and optimism and while it was naïve it was understandable, James had lost all hope and was using logic only (along with fighting down his panic over it all) and made the choice he felt logically would keep the most people alive with the least risk. He didn't want to lose everything in what he thought was a hopeless mission. It seemed cruel but he was being practical, he didn't think he could save Mantel so he decided to save what he could.

Rather then explore this morally complex trolley problem, CRWBY decided Ruby needed to be 100% right and James 100% wrong despite in reality both plans being very morally gray and neither great plans. We got a great setup for a situation where both sides could realize the other side had a point and come up with a better plan together with a clearer head and not having their decision ruled by panic.

Back to your point about all that James did for the girls, thinking back on everything James had done for them, it is very hard to understand why they distrusted him, especially with them knowing about Salem and that two schools had been attacked why wouldn't James take some precautions to protect his kingdom? And even if we could justify the initial distrust, after James laid everything out for them and trusted them and gave them free room, board, and weapons upgrades, they still decided it was justified to not trust him for....reasons.

Seeing Emerald and Hazel getting redeemed while James was declared to far gone despite being backed into a corner was....painful. The girls have tried time and time again to reach people actively trying to kill them, their friends, and family but somehow they couldn't even be bothered to try and reach James. No asking for just a little more time, no asking to see if their was a better plan. Nothing. He's just to far gone, evil, and was left to die.

James's story and arc in Volume 8 was horribly written and I just don't understand why people get so damn upset when we point it out and are hurt by that fact. His story is painfully ableist and insulting and their was no reason to make him a villain with all of the villains the show already had. They could have made a powerful story about hope and saving those who have been most broken by war, but instead they told us people who have suffered and are hurting like James deserve their suffering and will die and that....I just can't forgive CRWBY for it.

#RWDE #Rwby bashing #Rwby critical #james ironwood #ironwood protection squad #pro james ironwood #pro ironwood #General ironwood #General Dadmiral #dadmiral ironwood

[dreamescapeswriting]

The Cage ~ PJM [Request]

↬↬↬Word Count 4.8k

↬↬↬Genre: Angst, drama, thriller?

↬↬↬Pairing: Jimin x Fem!Reader

↬↬↬WARNINGS: Mentions kidnapping, murder, being held captive for length periods.

Your hands grazed over the fabric of your wedding dress the small lace detailing making you smile as you waited for your sister to come and get you. The sun was shining down above the church it was the perfect day for your wedding and yet something felt wrong about all of it. There was something wrong but you couldn't quite put your finger on what it was, you were ready and so was Jimin - he'd called you that morning to make sure you were okay with all of this. The marriage had come on sooner than either of you had thought but that was what it was all about with arranged marriages besides you'd had the last six years to think it over. The moment you turned 18 your adoptive parents told you that you were betrothed to one another whether you liked it or not was beside the point. Luckily for both of you, you and Jimin got along great from the moment you met one another and a natural relationship bloomed between you. 

"What's wrong? We're all ready," You spoke as your sister came out to the car, the car park was filled with cars while everyone waited inside for you to come out but your sister was holding you off. 

"Big grand entrance," She lied looking at her watch before nodding, 

"Dad will meet you inside." She meant your adoptive father, all of you were adopted from different homes around the country. The family consisted of 2 sisters - you and Sooyoung and 3 brothers - Seokjin, Namjoon and Hoseok all of you successful in different ways, Sooyoung ran her own magazine company, Seokjin was a doctor, Namjoon a teacher and Hoseok was a vet. You were still trying to figure out what you wanted to do but your adoptive parents gave you the freedom to discover it on the condition that you would still marry Jimin. 

"Inside? Why would he-" You stopped speaking when she shut the door on you again, you rolled your eyes. She was bitter that you were the one getting married to Jimin when she'd had a crush on him for years so you assumed she was just angry about it. 

"Fine then," You whispered letting yourself out of the car and making your way to the doors, your hand was hovering over the handle when a car came speeding into the parking lot, you turned to see what the big deal was. 

"Y/n?" You frowned at the man who had called out your name, you'd never seen him before in your entire life.

"May I help you? I'm a little busy right now..." You gestured towards the wedding gown and he smirked at you walking closer towards you. Your hand pushed down on the door handle to let yourself in but it was locked. 

"What the fuck!?" You pounded against the wood for someone to help you, about to scream when a bag was pulled over your head. 

"GET OFF ME YOU CREEP!" You screamed out hoping that somebody inside of the church would hear all of the commotion happening outside and come to help but no one could hear anything over the loud church organ that was playing. 

"Get off!" You kicked your legs back trying to knock whoever it was that hold ahold of you off but they bound your hands behind your back with cable ties and threw you into the back of their car. 

"She's with us, where do you want her to go?" His voice was deep and mysterious it was still no one you knew. Your hands struggled against the cable ties but you weren't going to get out of them anytime soon, the car jolted to a start and you almost rolled off the backseats as he began driving hastily out of the parking lot of the church.

Your father was pacing along the back entrance of the church while your sister ran outside to ''check on you'' coming back with a piece of paper shaking her head. 

"She's gone." She whispered to her father, looking him in the eyes to make sure she was pulling this off right. She'd mastered lying to everyone perfectly all those years of acting school were paying off for something. 

"What do you mean?" He hissed snatching the note away from her and glancing through it,

I can't do it. I simply cannot man I do not love. Jimin is great but someone else holds my heart, don't come looking for me you won't find me anywhere. We've run away to be together, please don't be mad at me. I love you all xx

Jimin watched from the other side of the church was your father stared down at something, people were starting to turn to see what was taking so long. 

"She's just got a little nervous, Jimin! Come and help us," He nodded at your father jogging towards the bottom of the church and following him and your sister towards the changing rooms that were inside. 

"What's wrong with her? Is she okay?!" He panicked, you'd been the love of his life for years and now they're were saying you were nervous. You were only texting one another that morning assuring each other that you were ready for this and ready to start your lives together. They ushered him into the room and sat him down on one of the sofas, 

"She's gone. She left this," Your sister placed her hands on his shoulders comfortingly but it didn't fill him with comfort it felt off for her to be doing this. Throughout your time together your sister had never shown an interest in trying to get to know Jimin but now she was acting as though they'd known one another for years. He read through the note over and over again and it didn't settle right in his stomach though he couldn't be sure it was you he placed it into his pocket, 

"The wedding is cancelled until I find her-"

"No! We can't, our reputation is on the line here Jimin." Your father slammed his palms down onto the table in front of him annoyed that you had been this selfish as to run away on the day of your wedding. You could have gone to him before now but you were acting like a bratty child. 

"Well, I can't go out there and marry a ghost-"

"Sooyoung will do it," Sooyoung stared at the back of her fathers head, originally the plan had been for her to suggest it but now that her father had it made it a lot easier on her part. 

"But dad-"

"No buts! We have a reputation to protect and a marriage contract to uphold!" She pretended to act as though she wasn't as ecstatic about this as she was she stared down at her hands shaking her head. 

"No one goes against my word Sooyoung, go and change into her evening gown." Slowly raising herself from the sofa she went out of the changing room leaving her father and Jimin alone to talk, 

"You'll marry one of my daughters Jimin." He wasn't offering to sympathise with Jimin for he didn't care if true love was in the marriage or not, the contract stated he was to marry one of his daughters. 

"I'll go and tell the guests, sort yourself out and join me." He was referring to Jimin's tear-stained cheeks. As your father walked out of the room Namjoon and Jin walked inside to see what was wrong, 

"Here." The note was handed over to them and Jimin ran his hands through his hair, you were in love with someone else? It didn't make any sense, you and Jimin spent every waking moment together there were no other men in your life except for family and your personal trainer. 

"This isn't Y/n writing this, the handwriting is wrong and the wording is too..." Namjoon had lived with you for almost 24 years he knew your handwriting like he knew his own and he also knew you never wrote like that. Jin took the note next and read through it while shaking his head, 

"I'll hire somebody to look for her...I'm not letting this go." Jimin whispered taking the note back from them and placing it into his blazer pocket, there was still a wedding to get through even if he knew deep down that something was wrong. 

"Mr and Mrs Park I found everything I could on short notice." It was the evening of the wedding, a PI that Jimin had hired was back with some research about you. 

"Sooyoung go and have a drink," Jimin grumbled looking at the PI who was holding an envelope in his hands looking nervous about something, he was nervous about being at a wedding of such a powerful family with information on their runaway daughter. 

"No. She's my sister Jimin, I want to know where she is." She actually only wanted to stay to see what the old guy had found out about you, she'd done well to cover her tracks and she wasn't about to let some PI undo all of it within a few hours. 

"We followed a paper trail, she bought plane tickets and used her passport so we know she's no longer in the country, I have another PI flying over there to see what we can find in London." London. You'd never expressed an interest in going to London to Jimin so why would you up and fly there now, 

"Her favourite City," Jimin frowned turning to look at Sooyoung who was looking at the folder. It was wrong. London wasn't your favourite city, you'd never once mentioned London to Jimin and you told one another everything. 

"Before she fled she took out a large sum of money and exchanged it to British currency. We'll keep searching but for now, that's all we have on her whereabouts." The file was placed into Sooyoung's hands and Jimin watched the PI leaving the hall, this was supposed to be a huge celebration but everyone except for Jimin seemed to be enjoying themselves.

"We should go and have our first dance," Sooyoung was doing her best to play the part of the innocent bystander in all of this. Wanting to present herself as the good little sister that was doing what her father wanted instead of the evil mastermind behind all of it. 

"Later. I need a drink." Jimin mumbled walking over to the open bar and ordering himself some scotch, he was going to need it if he was going to make it through the night. 

It was freezing in the glass cage that they were keeping you inside of, you had no idea where you were being held. They'd kept the bag over your head until you got into the cage they were keeping you inside of, 

"Are you going to at least give me a blanket! I'm freezing!" You grumbled at the man who had taken you in the first place, he was sitting with his legs up on a desk in front of him while he flicked through a magazine. Your sister and Jimin were on the front of it, married. You'd been in the cage for two days been given scraps of food and told to sleep on the mattress that was in the corner. You didn't even want to talk about the bucket in the corner that was for you to go to the bathroom in. 

"Use your dress." He mumbled looking over at you, your eyes were on the magazine and he chuckled standing up and walking over to you while he read the article out loud.

"Controversy hit headlines today when Park Jimin and Kim Y/n were supposed to get married but Jimin ending up marry her sister Kim Sooyoung. Debates are circling about why Y/n had run away despite her claims of love for Jimin. A note was found explaining that she was in love with another and had no intentions of coming home to Jimin again...Private investigators tracked Y/n to London where it is believed she changed her name and is now living under a false identity." You stared at the man as he posted the magazine through the flap in the door, you scrambled over to it flicking through the magazine to see photos of Jimin and your sister looking happy together on the day of their wedding. 

"But- You're not holding me for ransom money?!" You panicked dropping the magazine and looking at him before you thought this would be easy. Your father would pay the fee and you would be home but now that there was a note explaining you'd run away there was no one that would come looking for you which meant they didn't want money. 

"Who do you work for?! Whatever they're paying I'll double it-" You stopped speaking when a metal door began to open, artificial light flooded the room and you squinted at the silhouette that was there and frowned.

"Money isn't his primary focus here Y/n."

"Sooyoung?" You stuttered watching as your sister dropped the front of the storage locker door behind her and handed a big bag over to the man that had been watching you for the last two days. 

"Some extra in there for your troubles," He kissed her cheek before leaving the way that she had come in, she squatted down in front of you and smirked. 

"You did this to me? Why?!" You yelled at her pounding your closed fist against the reinforced glass - you'd tried to throw the items in the glass cage at it but it was no use. The glass was far too thick for anything to get out or into it like that. 

"Why?! Because you've got everything you've ever wanted! You got the man, the house and no to mention you get to get away with everything. You don't work!"

"Because I'm trying to figure out what I need-" You screamed when she slammed her palm against the glass, you scrambled towards the back of the cage looking at her as her face turned a bright red colour. 

"Now I get everything, I get the guy of my dreams, I get the house I wanted and I get you out of my life." You whimpered as she stalked around towards the back of the cage, 

"A-Are you going to kill me?" You questioned watching her closely but she shook her head, 

"Killing you would be too easy, I'd rather let you watch me and the love of your life be happy while you stay inside of here." At least that was something you didn't have to worry about, 

"W-What if I just left? I'll run away to England like you've told them all-"

"Too easy for you to come back and ruin everything, this way I get to control the way you live...I get what I want." She was crazy. She had to be. She straightened herself back up and walked over to the door, 

"I brought you some clothes and a blanket to keep warm. I can't risk you getting sick." How quick her mood changed was given you whiplash, she walked over to the glass cage and unlocked the door pulling out a knife. 

"You make a move and I'll gut you like a fish." You swallowed the lump in your throat and stayed back not wanting to risk it, she threw the bag inside before slamming and locking the door. 

"I'll be back in a week, there's food and water in there to keep you alive...I'll send the boys round if I need you checked on but I'm always watching," She nodded over at a camera in the far corner of the cage it would capture everything you did inside of there.

"A week?! Where are you going?! What am I supposed to do while you're gone?!" You yelled at her but she slammed and locked the storage room door, at least now you had a general idea of where you were but you were still locked inside of the cage.

                                                ~ 4 Months Later ~

Time had passed by but you'd been locked inside the cage for so long you had no idea how much, you'd lost all concept of time since there was no clock inside of there and any magazines that Sooyoung would bring you were outdated. 

"Go fish." You mumbled to Dave - the guy that had kidnapped you. He'd been looking after you whenever Sooyoung went away on business or had something to do with Jimin and she couldn't come to see you. For a while, you thought you were wearing him down and he would let you out but you were wrong. He just got easier to talk to, telling you things that were happening in the outside world but he would never tell you the date or if it was night or day. The only things that you were ever brought were magazines and books that Sooyoung would bring you to keep you entertained. You'd asked for a laptop but she'd shot that down right away, you could have gotten internet from anywhere around you and she wasn't about to let you send a strange email to Jimin, not when he was finally starting to fall in love with her.

"Do you think she'll ever let me out?" You questioned him when you took a card from the deck, he stared at you before glancing back down at his cards. 

"No." You nodded along slowly and told him to go fish before placing down a set of Queens and finishing the game. You were bored with Go Fish and poker they were the only games you'd play, though of course Poker was played with potato chips and cookies instead of real money.

Jimin was sitting at his office desk staring at the photo of you and him together, he kept it locked in his middle drawer so that Sooyoung would never catch him looking at it. Twirling the ring around his finger he thought about you and why the PI had failed to find any leads of you in London, claiming it was thought you'd landed and vanished into thin air.

"Sir?" He looked up to see his assistant standing in the door with PI's behind her, 

"Come in," He placed your photo back down into the drawer and watched as they walked into the room and sat down in front of his desk. 

"We believe we might have found something sir, but it's not something you're going to like." Jimin didn't care if he did or did not like it. All he wanted to do was to make sure you were safe, even if you had run off with another man and he was slowly starting to fall in love with your sister. 

"Sooyoung made a purchase a couple of months before the wedding, a giant glass cage, a storage locker and some security equipment." Jimin frowned shaking his head, separately all of those could be explained away easily by saying she was making a panic room - the cage and security system. The storage locker could easily be explained as somewhere for her to store her things but the way they had worded it meant it was something suspicious.

"What does that mean exactly?" He questioned leaning his hands forward on the desk, 

"We think she might be involved in Y/n's ''running away''." He held up his hands to make quotation marks and Jimin thought about it more, it did make sense for your running away to have been faked, you'd never expressed a love for London and no one else had been in your life, the note also wasn't in your handwriting.

"Can you follow Sooyoung?"

"We have been, I've traced her to the storage locker and I'm going there tomorrow to see what's inside, I'll report back to you tomorrow if I find anything." Jimin nodded his head watching them get up and walk away without speaking to them, if Sooyoung was really behind this then she was going to have a lot of explaining to do.

"Sooyoung, please! Please don't leave me here!" You screamed your voice barely coming out as you were losing it from all of the yelling that you'd been doing but she slammed the door behind her and you slammed your hands against the glass crying out for her to let you out. Tears streamed down your cheeks as you slumped down onto the floor crying into your hands as you thought about being stuck in there forever, there was no way out for you. You were either going to die in there or she was going to kill you for trying to escape,

"Please," You whimpered closing your eyes as you curled up into a ball on the floor. The door opened and your head shot up expecting to see her there but there was a short bald man standing there instead. 

"HELP!" You screamed slamming your hand on the glass to get his attention, he walked closer with a frown on his face as he looked at you inside. 

"Please! You have to get me out of here! S-she's insane! She looked me in here and I have no idea what...What day it is." He stared at you, you looked so weak and dishevelled, dressed in clothes filled with holes. 

"Y/n?" You nodded your head and he walked closer to the cage trying to figure out a way to get you out of there, 

"You have to get me out of here," You begged him watching as he nodded his head at you, 

"I need to call Jimin, tell him we found you okay?!" You nodded your head desperately, thankful that someone had finally found you but he struggled to get a signal inside of the storage room. 

"Wait here-"

"NO! DON'T LEAVE ME IN HERE PLEASE!" You screeched begging him with pleading eyes, he could tell by the tone of your voice you were terrified to be locked inside of there one more minute but he had to get Jimin to answer the phone. 

"Please!" But the door shut behind him and you whimpered looking at the door for when he would come back into the room, it all could have been some trick from Sooyoung but you weren't going to give out hope that he was a real man who was trying to help you. 

"Move away from the door," Sooyoung ordered looking at you, you stared at her in the white shirt she was wearing. It was stained in blood and she had fresh blood on her cheeks. 

"What did you do?!" You whimpered looking at her and then over to the same man that had come to see you twenty minutes ago, he was on the floor weakly trying to cling onto his life. 

"I said, Move away from the door." She gritted her teeth and you backed away from the door as she unlocked it still clutching a knife in her hand as she watched you closely.

"Come here." Slowly you crawled over to her too scared she would hurt you like she had the man in the corner, 

"Move!" She shoved you onto the floor outside the cage and walked over to the man grunting as she dragged him towards the cage, she was struggling and clearly distracted as she put down the knife on the desk inside of the cage. You looked at the door slowly making your way over to it, 

"Don't do it Y/n. I'll kill you!" You lifted the door and ran down the hallways, blinding yourself as the sudden bright lights hit you but you didn't care. You pressed on rushing as fast as your legs would carry you even if you didn't know where to go, anywhere was better than being in that room with her.

"Y/n you have nowhere to do." You backed against a wall holding your hand over your mouth as you heard her stalking towards you, breathing heavily as she did so and dragging the knife along the storage doors. 

"I'll slit your throat and won't think anything about it Y.n." The lights flickered as she walked past the hallway you were down so you sprinted in the opposite direction following the exit signs on the floor. 

"Y/n!? Y/n?!" You heard a male voice this time but you knew it anywhere, Jimin, he was there?! You ran towards his voice colliding with his chest. His arms wrapped around you staring you in the eyes as you tried to push him to move, 

"She's got a knife! Move! Move Jimin!" You cried out pushing him towards the way he had come into the building, he clutched onto your hand pulling you in the direction of the exit.

Police had the place surrounded, he'd gotten the call from the private investigator and called the police instantly but then Sooyoung killed him, 

"Did she touch you?!" He questioned as you were sat down on the back of an ambulance, a paramedic rushing around you to check you over. 

"She didn't get me, I ran when she was trying to get...that guy into the cage." You swallowed the lump in your throat looking around, there were reporters and cameras everywhere everyone trying to get a good look at what was happening inside. 

"H-How long have I been in there?" You whispered looking at Jimin as he sat down beside you on the step of the ambulance. 

"Four months." It was pitch black outside and the only thing lighting up the area was the ambulance lights, police lights and the camera flashes. 

"Where am I?" You couldn't remember how long the car journey had been, you'd counted all that time ago but everything was a blur to you now. 

"About three hours outside of Seoul." Jimin brushed some hair out of your face and sighed as you looked at him, your eyes looked sunken and you didn't look like you'd slept in months. 

"How is she?" Jimin asked the doctor who stopped working on you, 

"She seems okay, we'll take her in for more test-"

"No! No! No, I- I don't want to go anywhere." You whimpered moving away from Jimin and the paramedic who was now staring at you, 

"Jimin don't make me do that! I don't want to go with them, I...I want to go home." You begged him looking him in the eyes as you pleaded with him, he was about to answer when you both heard yelling and turned to the exit. Sooyoung was being led out in handcuffs, screaming about how she was innocent as she kicked against them to let her go but she was loaded into the back of the police car so Jimin wrapped his hand in yours to comfort you. 

Six long months later your sister was on trial for murder and kidnapping charges, your hand was linked with Jimin's as you waited for the jury to deliver their verdict, they'd been deciding for the last week.

"We the jury find the defendant guilty of first-degree murder." The court sighed in relief and you looked at Sooyoung who was staring at you from across the room, chained up as she glared at you. 

"The Charges against Kim Sooyoung on Kidnapping, we the jury find the defendant guilty of Kidnapping." Jimin cheered out bringing you into a tight hug as you began crying heavily in his arms, whimpering as you finally felt at peace.

"Please escort Miss Kim to her holding cell." The judge cleared the court but you stayed seated on the chair crying into Jimin's arms. 

"It's over, it's all over baby." He whispered rubbing your lower back as he comforted you, kissing your cheek as he promised you she was never going to be able to hurt you again. 

"It's okay, it's okay." He whispered kissing your cheek as you looked up at him, he cupped your face in his hands and smiled weakly at you. 

The divorce between him and Sooyoung had been finalised almost a month after you got out of the cage and moved into a hotel, you couldn't stand the thought of going back to the house she'd been living in so Jimin agreed to find somewhere else with you. Eventually, you did and you were living there now.

"It's all over, no more court days and no more prison visits." He promised you looking into your eyes and smiling trying to see if you were okay, you smiled back at him looking around you both. 

"The next time we're in cour, I want it to be us filing our marriage certificate." You whimpered wiping your eyes as you stood up from the chairs, he chuckled raising your hand up to his lips and kissing it softly. 

"I promise baby." He whispered taking your hand and walking with you out of the row of chairs and towards the exit. 

Tagline: 

@writingdreamsnottragedies​ @snowy-meowl​ @jooniesdarlingdimples​ @lyoongx​ @fan-ati--c​ @mitzwinchester​ @callingmyangel​ @rjsmochii​ @kneel-begyourpardon​ @taestannie​ @innersooya​ 

#bts #bts x rader #bts x you #bts x y/n #bts imagine #bts imagines #seokjin #kim seokjin #jin #min yoongi #yoongi #suga #jhope #jung hoseok #hoseok #kim namjoon #namjoon #park jimin #jimin #jimin x reader #jimin imagine #park jimin x reader #park jimin imagine #kim taehyung #taehyung #jeon jungkook #jungkook

[nightswithkookmin]

I am a hard Taekook shipper but recently Jikook have been melting my heart by being so cute and cudly and loving. I understand and i am sorry for so mhch hate from Taekookers but trust me Taekookers are a bit shaken right now. I cannot disclose my name here but i would like to say if Jikook is real or they decide to come out which i higly doubt then i am 100% in support and also ur page helped me open my eyes and see a diff sude of shipping which is needed alot more. I am Loving Love ryt now.

C'est la vie!

So sorry for the late response love. You've always been on my mind.

I get not every Taekooker is wild and rabid just as not every Joker is sane and fake woke. Lol.

I mean I'm still holding on to my grudge against your people for storming my business pages and leaving shit reviews on my books- and laughing about it? What was that? Damn. Had to change my author name and everything and I've since been publishing under an alias- let me tell you, it's no fun at all.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have called y'all's ship dead- but honestly it dead, it dried up like a drop of sweat on a dessert. What can I say? People just don't want the truth, lol- had these angry thirteen year olds and fake woke Jokers coming for my ass and my business ass on the flamingo app. Chilee. Your people don't want to be civil. Sigh.

Some people just have no sense of personal responsibility and when they get called out for it they slap you with the whole, 'no one asked you to put yourself and your business out there' - this creepy behavior and mental adroitness is not far from rapists blaming girls for wearing short shorts and mini skirts or thieves blaming people for not putting up a fence and shit to protect their property. It's fucked up.

And don't get me started on what they do to Jimin or JK... or even Tae- not to make you feel bad or anything. It's just my people suck, your people suck, we all suck square- don't apologize for it unless you plan on doing something to change it?

As for Taekook, yea I don't think there is anything wrong with shipping them. They have a beautiful bond, they are both visuals and both funny as hell. If you won't ship them I will. Lol.

Just know the reason you are shipping them? If you are shipping them because you genuinely believe they are a couple too then you need to stop shipping them and start supporting them?

And once you start supporting them then I think you'd sooner realize there isn't anything there to support in the first place. Lol.

I support Jikook because I believe with my full chest they are real and are closeted- emphasis on closeted. And for the record, they are the only queer couples in BTS.

Tae lost his queer card when he accidentally outed Jimin on that radio show. 'I think he likes men' yea, straight up het behavior. Lack of homo sensitivity.

Did you see JK's reaction when JM was asked to spill tea on their pervy behaviors behind cams? My butt quivered. Chilee, I thought he was gone out JK too. Damn.

I think the word real and closeted have come loose and cheap on these streets these days. I don't think most of these shippers when they throw it around fully understand the term or realise what it means and what it takes. If they did, they wouldn't randomly be labeling every ship as 'real' within the fandom.

If you believe Taekook is real and that they are equally hiding their sexuality as well as their relationship within the group, then you should understand how severe and traumatizing this fact is and would be for them as gay men?

The thing is, they are not just hiding parts of themselves and their identity for the sake of their careers or military or whatever if they are real, they are lying to millions, millions of people at a time about who they really are by keeping their identity a secret. Secrets are lies honey, however way we want to see it.

If they are real then they are concealing their true identity away from not just their families and friends- if they haven't come out to them, but acquaintances from work, businesses who wouldn't work with them otherwise, brands, sponsors, Heads of states, their fans....

It's one thing for a heterosexual to keep their heterosexual relationship a secret, it's another for a queer person to keep their queerness and or queer relationship a secret.

A lie as heavy as this is bound to take a toll on them, no matter how good they are at hiding it. A secret gets heavy before it gets easy. Not to sell you on anything but do you see any such secret taking a toll on Taekook? Because I see it taking a toll on Jikook.

Do you believe Taekook are closeted? Because I believe Jikook are.

Being closeted means they have to carry the guilt of knowing that each time they pander to heteronormative roles in variety shows or interviews, or imply by omissions that they are straight, or make generalizing statements about their sexuality to avoid addressing their sexuality directly or give it away, that they are lying to people and spewing half truths- seven years in a roll.

Being closeted is not a joke. It's heavy. I think you need to grasp this before you claim it for anyone.

People like to throw the 'closeted' phrase around willy nilly but fail to comprehend its weight and complexity and consequences especially for people that they believe are actually queer.

It's not easy lying to people about who you are. Unless you are a pathological liar and a psychopath, it's like drowning each day you wake up. You die a little each time. Your sexuality is a huge part of your identity and when you deny it for so long by lying and suppressing it, it's like shutting out a peice of yourself and silencing your own voice. The more you push it aside the louder it screams and the harder it fights to come out.

It's a state of constant internal struggle. You wake up everyday contemplating whether to risk the perfect life you've spent years building just so you can turn off the guilt that comes with keeping a secret of this nature.

And each time you get better at omitting or generalizing and evading questions that hint at your truth, the more you hate yourself and the more guilt you feel. This guilt can become a driving force that pushes you to make risky moves and take impulsive actions such as 'borderline outing your relationship'- does that sound like Taekook to you?

If you are not driven by the love you feel for your partner, you are driven by the guilt and neither is a great place to be if you are queer.

You lie everyday, you get caught up in the lies and soon you start believing in the web of lies you've woven around yourself such that you don't even recognize who you are or why you are, anymore. As such, you are constantly searching for yourself, to reconcile the bits you've hidden away and perhaps forgotten, and you keep exploring your identity because you are unsettled- honey, that sounds more like Jikook than Taekook to me but c'est la vie.

Being closeted is not about moments that get cut by editors, or less interactions, or being seperated or seated further apart from eachother. These are just ship street parlance. Being closeted is an attitudinal, internal attribute rather than external manipulations or influences- it's a science. Lol

Coming out may be risky for any of these boys if they are real, but I promise you hiding is much harder for them.

And so When I look at Taekook, and I see how beautiful they are yet I don't in God's honest truth see them 'dealing' with any or all of these struggles Jikook deal with or have dealt with at one point, in my opinion- forget the homophobia, the wanting to come out, the low key microaggressions they deal with even within the group- 'the Jk never stops crying,' 'the real men don't do this and that talk' talk, the toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia traits JK and Jimin used to exhibit in their early days talking about 'real men don't twerk,' 'real men don't wear rings on their pinky'- all the times Jimin have had to defend his masculinity or even femininity, or stand up for Kook's within the group. 'Men, men, men. What is men?'

Jikook are the only two within the group that in my opinion have struggled most with their identity, with embracing aspects of themselves; you hear them complain about 'living a lie' 'tired of hiding, lying' and all these are themes consistent with closet behavior that they've both explored in one way or the other and even as of 2020 they are still dealing with or 'exploring' their identities perhaps as a means to reconcile their true selves? I'm really struggling with this post because I don't wanna get salesy on your ass. Lol.

Don't get me wrong, Tae struggles and deals with issues too- mostly with loneliness, lowkey depression in my opinion, lowkey bullying- sometimes, lol and he often expresses a desire to find someone and be happy and yet 'his supporters' don't recognize that...

You can wait till Jikook come out officially as queer, if they ever chose to, to support them- Or you can choose to support them and love them now because that's what they need in order to officially come out as and when they choose to? Ok I'm being salesy. Lmho. I'll stop. Don't mind me. But think about it.

Ship whatever ship you want but support Jikook. It's all I'm asking. And by support, I mean don't exhibit any anti homosexual attitude towards them- deadass. You and I gone fight, square up toe to toe, if you do. Lol.

People don't need to be afraid of Jikook. They just need to treat them as human beings and not reduce them to a mere ship. They are a ship too yes, but they are more than that if you ask me.

You sound nice. I love you. I'm glad you enjoy my posts. Merry Christmas and cheers to our ships.

Keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Signed,

GOLDY

[troubatrain]

sober - m.barzal (pt. three)

a/n: onto the next one for reposts :)

Two - Four

Game Days were busy.

There were a few things about a Rangers game day that were always consistent. Someone always kicked a soccer ball into one of the rafters, usually Mika who thought his girlfriend’s soccer skills were rubbing off on him. You couldn’t speak to Hank but you knew where he was because he did the same thing every game day even if he wasn’t playing. Trouba would ask you some sort of dumb question when you tried to get footage of him walking into MSG so you couldn’t post it online. Finally, Chris would follow you around and then claim it was part of his own superstitions.

“So you just left him?” Chris clarifies, somehow always sticking his nose in your personal life.

“Yeah I went home,” You shrug, sipping your coffee to hide the fact that you were flat out lying to someone you really did trust. 

“You just went home?” Chirs quips a smirk on his own face, “Because you’re in an awfully good mood today Y/N.”

“If you really must know Chris, I am capable of getting myself off,” You remind him, sarcasm dripping from your voice while Chris chuckled behind you.

“Alright Ice Queen,” Chris rolls his eyes, “We get it, you don’t need a man.”

Nobody does. You thought to yourself while you pushed Chris into the Rangers locker room to get him out of your hair for the rest of the night. It was something you reminded yourself constantly, your happiness didn’t need to depend on someone else. If you could just remember that, then there was no way anyone could ever hurt you. It drove your own mother crazy, and the romantics in your life always seemed to be annoyed by your lack of commitment, but you didn’t care. You were never going to be the girl who cried on the way home in the back of some taxi because a man broke your heart. Your life wasn’t going to be the sad part of a romantic comedy that was set in New York, because you wouldn’t let it.

**

The Rangers lost, one of the grueling overtime losses that you hated to even walk past the locker room after. You stood by the exit, watching the sad faces of the team leave to greet their significant others and see their kids. It made you soft for just a moment, your thoughts broken by a text to your phone from a number you should have deleted. It was from Mat, the location of a bar downtown attached.

Tough loss… come for a drink?

Does that drink come with strings attached?

If you’re asking me to tie you up, I’m in.

I cannot stand you.

You won’t be able to stand, just come and see me.

You bite your tongue, holding in the thought of asking Mat how many other girls didn’t answer him before he finally landed on you. Maybe he had a list, or maybe he just scrolled through Instagram until someone’s thirst trap caught his eye. Those seemed too logical for Mat, so you settle on the idea that he probably plays contact roulette until he finds a way to get his dick wet. A part of you screamed not to go, just to get on the subway back to your apartment and pack it in for the night. But you ignored your logical side for just a minute, grabbing a cab and giving the driver the address Mat sent you.

Mat, in a weird sense, was like a safe bet. Sure, you could have gone out and taken someone else home, it was easy in a city as big as New York. But, Mat was good in bed, and you’d be damned if you let him know that. You were letting your pussy take over for you, screaming that at least you were going to get off a few times.

“You’re here!” Mat cheers, scoping you out from the moment you stepped into the bar. He reeked of booze and bad decisions, his arm wrapping around you.

That was when the group he was with caught your attention. Standing on the other side of the bar were a few of Mat’s teammate’s who you knew of.

“Are those your fucking teammates?” You grit out, your lips as close to Mat’s ear as they could get.

“Would you relax? I didn’t mention what you did for a living, as far as they're concerned you’re just another girl,” Mat scoffs, his large hand landing on your lower back.

“Keep your mouth shut or I’m never speaking to you again,” You scold, wagging your finger at him while you walk over to the bar.

Mat’s teammates were interesting. It wasn’t that you didn’t like them, or that they were anything less than kind to you. It was that it felt so wrong. Just a week before that, you were sitting between the benches during warm ups listening to Matt Martin roast Trouba from the blue line and now you were listening to him gush about his pregnant wife. It was like you’d entered some alternate universe and you found yourself having a better time than you even anticipated.

“You’re too cool to be here with Barz,” Tito chirps, cheering you on while you took your third shot of the night.

Mat’s smile was dopier than normal when he threw his arm around you and pulled you into his chest, “It’s because I’m her conquest not the other way around.”

You roll your eyes, tucking your head into Mat’s arm and nibbling at it lightly to get him to shut up for just once. Mat smirks, leaning to whisper in your ear, “That’s a turn on princess, wrong move.”

“How about I just kick you in the balls?” You grit back, Mat’s eyes widening at the threat. 

“If you come home with me, you’re free to do whatever you’d like,” Mat chuckles, turning you around and pouting, his hand resting on your hip.

You bite your lip, if you went home with him you knew what that meant for you. It meant Mat was getting what he wanted - a spot on the roster. The problem was that Mat was probably better in bed than anyone else you were currently seeing, and admitting that was the equivalent of defeat. Another part of you screamed, that maybe he was just perfect for casual.

Mat Barzal was dumb, smug, and hot. Three characteristics that you thought made someone a good fuck-buddy. Mat wasn’t boyfriend material, and he was never going to get to meet your friends because no one could know this was happening. Mat was smug in the way that he constantly wanted to win, and while it meant his personality could be unbearable sometimes, it also meant he was excellent in bed. Finally, Mat was hot in the way that it reminded you that god really does have favorites. But, Mat was like sleeping with the enemy. He was going to make you lie to people who you trusted for the first time, and was that fair to do yourself just so you could get laid? 

“We’re setting some ground rules here Barz,” You finally land on, Mat’s eyebrows raising in surprise with your lack of protest, “Starting with if you ever force me to hang out with your teammates again, I’ll cut your dick off.”

“Noted,” Mat nods, “Anything else princess?”

“Yeah, that nickname has got to go,” You say, because princess irritated you more than any pet name, “And no sleepovers-”

“But we live in two completely different boroughs,” Mat protests, “And what if it’s late?”

“I’m a grown woman,” You remind him, “I can get home safe on my own.”

Mat rolls his eyes, “You’re a real pain you know that? Anything else?”

“Yeah, this stays between us, I’m not some pawn you can use to talk shit next time someone from my team hurts your feelings,” You say, poking him in the chest to make your point, “I’m serious.”

“You got it captain,” Mat nods, saluting you while he chuckles, “Now can we go? I’ve got plans for you.”

Mat’s use of the word plans made your pussy drip in excitement while you bid your goodbyes to his teammates. His teammates who had no idea that just a week before that you were sitting on the bench during warm ups with a blind hatred for each of them in your heart. His teammates who’d also fallen under your spell that maybe you weren’t a cold hearted bitch all the time.

“My place or yours?” Mat hums, pulling you closer while you waited for a cab.

“Yours, I don’t want you within thirty feet of my apartment,” You smirk, even though you hated Mat’s apartment because no one deserved those floor to ceiling windows if they had decor as terrible as his.

“You talk a big game for someone who left some nasty scratches on my back the last time I saw you,” Mat reminds you, nudging his nose with yours, “But, I can remind you why.”

Mat’s words lit a fire in you, if he thought he was so good, you were going to remind him that you were better. Two can play at that game. You grab Mat’s hand, pulling him into a cab while you waited for him to give the driver his address. Once the car started to move, the streets of New York lighting up on either side of you, you lean over and let your hand creep up Mat’s thigh.

“No,” Mat mouths, shaking his head while the cab driver makes small talk with him. You smirk, lightly using your fingers to land right over the bulge that was threatening to peek out in Mat’s too tight jeans.

“No what?” You whisper in his ear, a blush creeping up his neck. You had him so hot and bothered that everything before that seemed to make sense. It had clicked why Mat put up all the shit you gave him, he could have anyone he wanted with a smirk and a wink, but he wanted you - at least for the moment.

The rest of the cab ride was agony, after hitting about every red light from the bar to Mat’s building, he had you pinned against his door the second you got inside, “That was a dick move.”

“It just seemed like you needed a reminder of who was in charge here,” You whisper, your mouth close to his neck, “And who’s going to be screaming who’s name.”

“Yeah okay,” Mat scoffs, “There isn’t one thing you could do that would get that to happen.”

“Wanna bet?” You counter, sliding down the wall and stopping to unbutton Mat’s jeans. You pull them down, leaving kisses right above his boxers before they slid off too.

All it took was one lick on the underside of his cock for Mat to let out a moan that was so loud it echoed in the obnoxiously large bachelor pad he lived in. Mat’s hands ran through your hair, pulling it up so he could guide your head. You bobbed your head in a perfect rhythm, your hands digging into Mat’s thighs while you tried to get grip. Your head game was nothing short of spectacular, and you’d be damned if you were going to let Mat Barzal think anything less.

“Fuck Y/N,” Mat groans, trying to push your head back to give himself a break before he came way too early. This only egged you on, taking his whole length into your mouth, “Babe, I’ll cum right here if you don’t stop.”

“What if I don’t want to stop?” You look up at him, tears brimming your eyes from his dick in your mouth.

“You’re going to kill me aren’t you?” Mat asks, pulling you up to place a kiss on your lips.

“And no one will even know it was me,” You smirk, slipping out of his arms and making your way down a hallway that was becoming way too familiar, “Now c’mon Barz, I thought you had plans for us.”

“Don’t tell me what to do.”

“Eat me out.”

“Actually you can tell me what to do.”

#mat barzal #mat barzal imagine #my writing

[godkilller]

@izzabizz139

I wanna hear you rant about the Gin vs Hitsugaya anime fight bc I love seeing your pov and you clearly write better than whoever extended that scene :) pretty please

          out of character.  DON’T ENABLE ME SO MUCH !!  No but I cackled when I first saw this ask because oh my god, clearly you saw a taste of my annoyance about the anime adaptation -- no, adaptation implies it was accurate, I’ll say the anime’s take was “inspired by” the manga’s quick run-in. I’ll start by saying this moment is supposed to be a bit important considering, via the audience’s point of view, THIS IS THE FIRST WE SEE OF TWO CAPTAIN-RANKED SHINIGAMI CLASHING. The only other captain-involved fight we’ve seen thus far in the manga is Kenpachi  ( who is an outlier and should not be counted... no, I joke... but, still, Ichigo was not an equal to him, his sword was sliced through like butter. )  The whole reason I enjoyed this encounter between Toshiro and Gin was simply this; it wasn’t some fancy multi-chaptered fight. IN THE MANGA, THERE ARE ONLY TWO BLOWS MADE. One, by Toshiro, to begin the fight. The second, to end it, is Gin’s strike.

          I want you to know that I’ve rewatched this specifically to answer this ask, and only due to this, as I wouldn’t have ever sought it out otherwise. HONOR MY SACRIFICE.

          Read more for length. I’m merciful.

          In the anime, they monologue at each other, and it’s mostly a combination of Toshiro making three separate death threats  ( he starts this off by saying “I’ll kill you before Hinamori arrives” and then goes on rewording it each time, and then also repeats the death-threat he gave Gin prior to this conflict about “I’ll kill you if Hinamori bleeds” )  and then also Gin and Izuru talking about how truly powerful and amazing Toshiro is -- no, this isn’t me being bitter or petty, I literally shit you not, Gin has a line that is legit “AS EXPECTED FROM HITSUGAYA TOSHIRO, CAPTAIN OF THE TENTH DIVISION, A CHILD PRODIGY OF TH' SORT THAT ONLY COMES ALONG ONLY ONCE EVERY FEW CENTURIES. HOW VEEEERY DANGEROUS. YOU’RE SERIOUS, AIN’T YA?” like don’t get me wrong, love a good sarcastic little shit comment like that, but the amount of times the anime pumps Toshiro up like he’s their shinest new cash cow ( and he is, at this point, it is not even 50 episodes into the series and they’ve realized everyone likes him and he’s jumped to high ranks in popularity polls... earning him filler spotlights, and eventually his very own non-canon movie )  so everything coming out of Gin’s mouth feels like more bullshit than necessary. Izuru’s already literally monologued, internally, how powerful and amazing Toshiro is anyways. Why this ?

          Not to mention that, prior to saying that long-winded shit, Gin’s haori changed length three times  ( and once it was longer than his entire body by several feet, and no not in a ‘to show motion’ way )  and most importantly Shinso was drawn, consistently, at katana-length for the duration of their little spat where the following, too, happened: Gin frog-leaps after doing a backflip, Toshiro gives Gin two (2) haircuts, Gin ruins some floorboards and gives Toshiro at least one splinter in his arm, Toshiro whilst wearing socks lands on Shinso’s blunt edge and pushes the sword down with his footsie because that’s how that works, there’s another backflip somewhere in there that Gin doesn’t need to be doing, twirl, twirl, and ballet, Gin’s face elongates until his chin is bigger than his face, Gin spends ten+ seconds purely dodging very close strikes to his face as Toshiro is the only one making breathy growly and ‘tsuuaaah’ sounds, there is a brief moment of no gravity as Toshiro keeps hacking at Gin midair and Gin blocks it over and over again but they still stay in the air but they’re not standing or jumping or using reiatsu they’re just like, momentum-locked I don’t fucking know, Gin frowny faces as he blocks because like somehow this kid who doesn’t even have more reiatsu than him, whose arm strength should not be an issue, is like. making him nervous?? as sword sparks fly. if you know me at all you know I hate when they fuckin’ firework sparkler-ify swords clashing.

          Anyways, all of this happens whilst Shinso is the wrong length and Gin’s hair is getting purpler by the second and this entire thing is somehow a big jack-off to Toshiro’s immense strength even though he’s screaming and wailing at Gin like a child and Gin’s just a vessel at this point to Enhance Toshiro, which, fine, okay, but at least be more accurate with it god damn. ANYWAYS,

          THEY JOUST. They literally run at each other, swords centered, and run past / to the side of one another. Jousting. “Cause that’s how that works. No slashes, no cutting motion. Just swords centered, because the animators were like “no worries guys I know swordfighting basics that’s a legit pose” yeah it is WHEN STATIONARY. Not rUNNING IT DOWN.

          And then Gin’s sleeve is cut, somehow, from the Jousting, because wow Toshiro wow wow wowowowow, and then Toshiro comes back and starts wailing at Gin again and Gin blocks it, again, and it’s all very annoyingly repetitive, and Gin’s frowning and sparks are flying and Gin’s using Shinso, the katana-length wakizashi I guess, with two hands because like I said, the animators knew basics and basics are “katana are used two-handed” like. Okay, you’re not wrong, but I cannot stress this enough: SHINSO IS NOT A KATANA. It’s shorter and meant to be used single-handed!!!! sTop!!! So then Gin rips off the tattered part of his sleeve and throws it at Toshiro, who swipes it away from his face using his Zanpakuto because that’s intelligent and a piece of cloth was definitely threatening enough to use your sword to bat it away  ( btw, Hitsugaya wasn’t holding his sword with two hands at this precise moment, so he could have just... used his other hand )  and then Gin goes in for the classic “stabby stabby rapidly at you while the animation gets a little breather because we repeat this cycle a few times with flashy bgs and phew money made” ... WE ARE FOUR MINUTES AND THIRTY SECONDS INTO THIS FIGHT BY THE WAY. Gin does this for seventeen (17) agonizing seconds straight. Yes, I counted. That was sixteen and a half too many seconds for me, personally.

          Toshiro somehow lassos Shinso whilst Gin is stabby stabby-ing with Hyourinmaru’s chain component. I say component like it’s somehow some type of beauty guru’s lipstick holder, but really am I that wrong ? When else has he ever used this feature ? Anyways, he lassos Shinso because yeehaw I guess, god I’m falling apart at this point can y’all tell????? I need a drink.

          and so, because now Toshiro has Gin’s sword somehow trapped with chain even though it’s just looped around it, he backflips over Gin for a cool trickshot, no blow issued, just vibes, and Gin uses a big brain moment to tug Shinso and the chains slide off. okay now what. We’re past five minutes into this fight, nonstop.

          SOUNDS LIKE A GOOD TIME FOR GIN TO PAUSE AND APPRECIATE TOSHIRO AGAIN! “I see, I shouldn’t have underestimated you, HItsugaya Toshiro” I’m starting to have a feeling Gin’s VA was told to just wing these lines because the amount of times he fills silences / Gin’s mouth movements with Toshiro’s long-ass name is astounding, he’s definitely drawing blanks here but he sure as hell knows one thing: that damn ice-boy’s name. He continues by saying “I suppose I’ll end up regretting it afterwards.”

          Toshiro says that’s not enough, and it’s really dramatic and cool. His eyes even glow all icy and blue and pretty, like his flowy reiatsu. Aesthetic points were gifted entirely to Toshiro’s animations in this scene. Gin was finished in MS Paint and each new scene they had to draw Shinso from memory and try to remember what hue of purple his hair was at gunpoint. Toshiro lets off a big wave of reiatsu and then it vanishes, and he jumps up reaaaally high. like this guy’s flying. his eyes arent glowing anymore that’s sad. Bring Back Glowing Eyes For Strong Shinigami 2k21.

          Toshiro releases his Shikai, and it’s badass, the sky darkens, Izuru looks distinctly more worried than usual, and Gin’s frowning with his teeth out like Bugs Bunny’s having a bad day, all is right in the world. Toshiro and his released Shikai have a nice moment for the Pics, and a big epic freeze frame blur moment happens with it all coiled and swirling around him. Wrow!  ( click the ‘wrow’ it’s a link to my exact reaction )  Izuru narrates for the third time about how powerful Toshiro is, his reiatsu, his Zanpakuto being a deity who is only unlocked every few centuries. The strongest ice-type sword. Pardon the pun, but that’s... you could say, so cool.

          It can even control the weather. So hey, next time it’s rainy, cold, icy, or snowing and you’re unhappy, it’s time to direct a big fuck you at Toshiro.

          Gin dodges the first dragon, and blocks the second with Shinso because blocking water and ice with a sword makes sense right? This actually takes a solid amount of seconds as Gin cuts through the entire length of this ice dragon noodle. Things dissipate, and pause, too, to really drag this out. Surprisingly, this reveals that Gin’s made a boo-boo, his left arm’s frozen, which doesn’t even mean anything because Gin is right-handed, and Toshiro teleports himself behind Gin in true fighty fashion.

          We have arrived at seven minutes and just under twenty seconds of this fight, and Gin turns, DOES THE UNTHINKABLE, gasp! He opens his eyes. His red, dull, evil, gray-eyebrowed with purple hair eyes, and shoots Shinso through its hideout spot behind his haori. This nearly takes off Toshiro’s eye and upwards of his head, but the little guy dives down fast. The rest happens in slow motion, supposedly, because it takes an eternity and people talk entire full sentences in its span of time.

          Gin asks Toshiro if he’s sure he’d like to dodge that  ( it’s a little late for that ) and says that Momo’ll die if he does. SHINSO SCRAPING ALONG AGAINST HYOURINMARU STRANGELY MAKES NOT A SINGLE SOUND. Mute. Even though before they had no problem animating and adding sounds to them smacking blades earlier. There are soundless sparks though, so there’s that. Yay. Can you tell how exhausted this’s made me? I need a nap.

          Shinso is already more than halfway towards Momo, still unconscious, she most definitely has a serious concussion via Toshiro backhanding her midair consider she’s been unconscious for longer than ten minutes. Toshiro has time to get up off the floor where he dropped to dodge, realize with a shocked gasp, turn, shout her name, and watch as Rangiku arrives in a random glow of gold which never happens ever again and blocks the attack with Haineko. Haineko almost cracks on the impact, and continues growing in damage as Rangiku holds Shinso there, implying that she’s stopped it from reaching one-hundred sword’s lengths to pierce Momo. Yes I’m including that implication / note in here because we love to see Rangiku succeeding in life and being Not-Helpless, all while potentially damaging Haineko severely if it wasn’t able to hold him off. Yikes, Gin!

          Rangiku threatens to join the fight if he doesn’t withdraw his sword. Gin smiles, withdraws it, and then Shunpos away.

          Whatta mess. Oh, and the anime fight was pretty fucked up, too.

          This is a long post, but here’s the manga version:

Toshiro leaps into the air,

This is where the fight actually starts between them:

And end. 

Five pages. Two blows. Does not equate to ten minutes of non-stop fighting and monologues. Sometimes, and I mean this in the most unbiased way possible, less is more.

#[ out of character ] masquerade; hide your face #me: i wanna reply to things!! #also me with eyes glowing red: no. #long post #LOOOONG POSTTTTT... #4 pages. #of text. #im so sorry.

[agent-jones]

In Defence of Gwendolyn Elizabeth Cooper

Okay, I want to start this out with a few DISCLAIMERS. First, this is probably going to be a long post, so buckle in. Second, I just want to say upfront that I DO NOT CONDONE the mistakes Gwen has made. Defending and understanding her are far different from actually condoning what she’s done and I figured I would put that blanket statement right here at the top. I know she did Bad Things. This isn’t to excuse that, it’s to explain, maybe, why she did what she did and perhaps people can gain a new perspective on Gwen Cooper in the process.

Okay. Leggo.

I asked for people to send their reasonings for not liking Gwen and I did get a few responses, so THANK YOU to those who messaged me! Everyone was very polite about it and I’m very grateful for that. The overwhelming reason people seem to hate Gwen is how she acted in regards to her relationship with RHYS. There is a lot to unpack there so I’m going to put all of the Rhys stuff in one section, and then move on to the other reasons I’ve seen about the fandom.

Rhys

Cheating on Rhys with Owen.

The thing about Torchwood is that they deal with the shittiest parts of the Universe. Suzie was right about that. Gwen came in not really knowing what she was getting herself into. Suddenly, she’s thrown into this chaotic, messy environment where she’s almost killed on basically a daily basis and she comes home from work and she can’t talk about it. She has to pretend to Rhys that she spent the day pushing paperwork, when actually the deadliest alien in the Universe tried to cut her head open with scary conversion tools and a member of their team ended up being the reason for it. She deals with trauma on a daily basis and the one person she should be able to talk to, who should be able to hold her and let her fall apart to him, isn’t allowed to know. Of course she feels isolated, wouldn’t you? Our partners are supposed to be the people we go to for support and help, but she literally cannot tell him a single thing about her life anymore. But she gets home and she has to it there and think about everything that scares her and all of the horrible things she sees, the death and destruction and tragedy, and she can’t say a single thing about it.

So, of course the idea of being with someone she can talk to is tempting, being with someone who shares her experiences and can truly empathise with her fears and help her through this new, and tragedy-filled, way of life. Why wouldn’t she want that? Owen offers it. Owen. Who knows she has a boyfriend, who literally says “I torture people in happy relationships,” comes to her and says “you can share these things with me.” And lost and unable to talk to anyone else but him, she gives into the temptation. Because, maybe this is better for her than having a partner who can’t be allowed to know the new Gwen Cooper: Torchwood Operative. Maybe she can finally have someone who will hold her and help her through things she can’t share with her boyfriend.

Flirting with/“Throwing herself at” Jack

Not going to lie, this one really bugs me when I see it. Why? Because Jack Harkness instigates pretty much every flirtation they have. The gun range scene: Jack sensually moving against her body to “show her the proper way to shoot.” Kiss Kiss Bang Bang: that cellar scene, where he caresses her arm and gives her this line about coming back for her [ after he had just said the same thing to Ianto so ]. Her wedding: the nostrovite was the one to lean in to kiss Gwen, the one to say “sometimes you meet someone who knocks your world off--” whatever the wording is. That nostrovite, using Jack, knew that he flirts with her like that, for it was the one making all of the moves. 

Jack is this enigmatic, BEAUTIFUL man who swoops into the life of Gwen Cooper, shows her that the Universe is bigger than anyone could imagine, and flirts with her, looks at her like she’s the most special human being on Earth. It’s no surprise she got a crush. It happens. But never, does she throw herself at him, in fact he always seems to be the one trying to do something, even though he also knows she has a boyfriend and consistently reminds her to keep hold of that life. Yes, she kissed him in Day One. But you know who else kissed Jack Harkness even though she had a boyfriend? Martha Jones. People make mistakes. It was the heat of the moment where Jack saved this girl that Gwen cared for and was so scared was going to die, she saw Jack act gentle and kind and yes, she made a mistake. But, it happens.

If you’re going to crucify Gwen for making very human mistakes such as this, it’s unfair to crucify her and not the men who played just as big of a role in it. They’re in no way innocent and to turn Gwen into this horrid, cheating slut and not condemn the men for knowingly throwing themselves at her despite her relationship status is really, quite frankly, sexist and a double-standard. 

Drugging Rhys

A horrible decision. Wrong. Yes, she did something incredibly invasive and absolutely not okay. She did it because she was spiraling. The thing with Owen had ended and I truly believed Gwen realised that she needed and loved Rhys, that he was the man for her and she needed to hold onto that. But, she was still holding back secrets, there were still things she couldn’t tell him. She was feeling guilty and wanted to tell Rhys the truth. But, if he left her because of it? That’s it. She loses her life outside of Torchwood, she loses the one thing keeping her grounded on Earth as the Universe tears into her at work. Of course she’s terrified and yes, it made her do something incredibly not okay. She took away Rhys’s ability to choose for himself.

She shows remorse for this, obviously, when she refuses to retcon Rhys at the end of Meat. She won’t do that to him again, won’t take away his right to know what he knows. And then again at their wedding. Jack offers them both retcon and Gwen says no, no secrets anymore. In that moment, Rhys’s face almost seemed disappointed that they weren’t going to forget that hellish day, that maybe he wanted to remember it in a way that didn’t involve aliens and their families almost being torn to shreds. But, Gwen has learned from her mistake. She won’t do it again.

Also. Gwen is not the only team member who has done something like that, in fact they all have:

Owen: took away the agency of two people by spraying them with a perfume that made them want to have sex with him. Two people who didn’t want to before they were drugged. That is date r*** and it is very bad. But, Owen is forgiven by the fandom for it. He’s loved and not bashed.

Jack: literally retcons anyone who talks to him for too long.

Tosh: dug around in the inner-most private thoughts of the people around her, invaded the deepest crevices of their minds and peered in on their secrets. This is absolutely not okay.

Ianto: clearly took advantage of and manipulated Jack in order to save Lisa. Got two innocent people killed, nearly got the entire team killed, and then allowed Jack to be given to slave traders and killed, before changing his mind and rescuing him. These are really horrible things, and yet he is the fan favourite. 

Gwen has done no more wrong than the rest of the team. This is the point of Torchwood: flawed human beings doing what they can to save the world and that “flawed” descriptor is for Gwen too. 

“She’s a Bitch”

Oh I’ve heard this one a few times and it always confuses me. She’s a bitch? When? When was Gwen ever mean to anyone? 

When she thought the thing about Tosh’s boots over jeans look being out of fashion? First, it was her private thought that Tosh had no business listening to. Second, it wasn’t thought in a mean-spirited way, she was simply making a fashion observation. We all do it. It does make us bitches to point out when things have gone out of fashion. Tosh was more of a bitch to Gwen when she found out about her and Owen in Countrycide “didn’t take you long to get your feet under the table.” That’s a bitchy and petty thing to say, but no one is calling Tosh a bitch.

Is she ever a bitch to Rhys? Not that I remember [ of course beyond the everything up there ]. But, there are moments where Rhys is a total ASS to her. Her new boss runs up to her saying there’s an emergency and that she’s needed, what does Rhys do? He screams at her “SIT THE FUCK DOWN, GWEN”  in front of her boss. That is not an okay thing to do, ever. Then, there’s the moment in Adrift when he says something like “sometimes I really hate you, Gwen.” He says this to his wife because she’s going through something very hard on her that is making her question the Universe and because it’s swaying her decision on if she wants to bring kids into the world, he says he hates her. At this point, he knows what she sees, knows what she goes through on a daily basis and doesn’t bother to take into consideration that she’s stressed and traumatised when trying to get her to make huge life decisions.

Gwen has emotions, but she’s never flat out mean to people, but there have been times where others have been cruel to her, and they aren’t hated for it.

“What she said at the end of Meat was uncalled for”

This is what she says:

GWEN: But none of you have any partners outside of this. JACK: But we understand how you feel. GWEN: No, you don't. No, you don't, Jack. You all think it's cold and lonely out there. But it isn't for me because I have him. 

She isn’t wrong. She doesn’t say anything cruel about the team. She points out the fact that they can’t understand what it’s like to have to hide her ENTIRE life from her partner. Jack and Ianto have a relationship, they’re partners yes, but they can actually talk about how hard the job is, they can talk about Torchwood and the shit they see and how it affects them. Is it so wrong for Gwen to say they can’t understand how she feels that she can’t? The entire team apart from her have been so entwined with Torchwood for so long that they don’t have lives outside of it, and that’s what she’s saying and she’s not wrong. Why hate her for pointing out the truth because she wants to be able to talk to the person she loves about the harder parts of her life?

“She acts superior to the team”

This one I see a lot. That people seem to think she somehow acts like she’s better than them, that she acts righteous somehow. But, that’s not what she’s doing. I’ve made a post about this before, but I’ll sum it up here. Jack hired Gwen because he needed someone with a new perspective, someone who could see how what they do affects civilians and help them use that to work better. He brought her in to remind them that they need to do better by the people of Cardiff. 

And that’s what she does,

She calls them out for being callous about Carys because that’s what Jack hired her for. The girl was dying and to her, it seemed like they didn’t care and so she spoke up, like Jack had asked her to do. She realises that she’s wrong in a way and she adjusts how she goes about it. Jack consistently reminds her why she was brought on, to call them out when they needed it and to remind them that there are human beings that are affected by what they do and they should care. And then when she does that, the fandom hates her for it. Don’t hate her for doing the job she was brought in to do.

Her Miracle Day speech

The Gwen in Miracle Day is not the same Gwen who peered over that parking garage barrier to spy on Torchwood. She saw the worst of the Universe, she watched as so many people died around her. Her friends all died horrific deaths. She was yanked by Jack into this whirlwind of a life, into the chaos and destruction that was Torchwood-- and then he left her. 

GWEN: Are you ever coming back, Jack? JACK: What for? GWEN: Me. 

He says nothing and leaves anyway. She begged her best friend to not leave her, after the last of her friends was killed, and he basically said she wasn’t worth staying for. How could she not be broken after that? As two people very close to me have said [ credit to @cxptained​ and @agent-sato​ ]: everyone else on the team was brought into Torchwood already broken, Torchwood took them in and put them back together again. Gwen came into Torchwood whole. She had a life and was happy. She lived, but she was SHATTERED. Torchwood took her and broke her. 

So yes, she says something that is horrible. She says that when everyone else died and she survived, she felt better than them. But sometimes we have thoughts that we don’t control, we have thoughts that we know are wrong. She knows it’s wrong. Eve’s acting? You can tell that she had those thoughts and that she felt horrible for having them.

Not to mention, she says this as she’s trying to get her baby daughter back from strangers who have kidnapped her. She’s desperate and terrified and angry and her daughter is in danger. Her mental space is horrible right now. She was abandoned by Jack, broken by Torchwood and when he appears again and she’s dragged back in? Her daughter is put in danger. But she also missed Torchwood and Jack. She’s terrified and lost and conflicted and she said something bad. But she knows she is wrong.

And So...

Gwen Cooper is a human being. She is a character in a show where ALL of the main characters are written to be flawed and complicated and to make mistakes while saving the world. She was put through so much and it seems as though she’s blamed for the fact that it changed her and led her to making decisions she may not have made had Torchwood not dragged her in.

She deserves more than how she’s treated by the fans.

#torchwood #gwen cooper #ianto jones #captain jack harkness #owen harper #toshiko sato #rhys williams #long post #; y'ALL THIS IS SO MESSILY WRITTEN BUT I HOPE YOU GET IT #; idk i hope maybe this at least gets some people to see her differently #; maybe?

[discotreque]

LwD 1.10, “No Small Parts”

Well, that was the most fun I've had watching Star Trek in literally a quarter of a century.

I had high hopes for this series. I love TAS, largely because of its wacky outsized concepts that could only have worked in animation—not that they all did work, but the potential was so apparent to me, even as a kid reading the Alan Dean Foster novelizations—and as an adult, there's something about the imagination of Lower Decks's FX setpieces that transcends even the glorious CGI bonanzas of Discovery.

Pause for a confession. I've long pushed back against criticism of serialization in new Trek. That's just how TV is now, okay? Might as well complain about it being in widescreen. But I'm backing down a little, because I've realized there is something about Star Trek that's inextricable from at least a partially-episodic format. And while Picard was telling a different kind of story, I can't deny that my favourite episodes of Disco have been the ones with a mostly self-contained A-plot. After 10 delightfully episodic instalments of LwD, its focus on long-term development of characters instead of a season-spanning puzzle-plot (okay, mostly just Mariner, but we only have 10 × 22 minutes and she is the star) has been downright refreshing.

So here we are, at the end of the most consistent and well-executed Season 1 of a Star Trek series since, arguably, Those Old Scientists. And sure, if they'd had to produce another... yikes, 42 episodes? Then sure, they probably would have dropped a clunker or two—but they didn't, and winning on a technicality is still winning. I'm practically vibrating with excitement for Disco to come back next week, but damn, I'm going to miss this little show while it's on hiatus.

Spoilers below:

Something I've been keeping track of finally paid off this week! (Which never happens to me, lol.) The destruction of the USS Solvang marked the first present-day death(s) of any Starfleet officer on Lower Decks, the only other on-screen killing at all being a flashback in "Cupid's Errant Arrow". Which makes sense, being (a) a comedy, and (b) about typically "expendable" characters: it hasn't been afraid to flirt with a little darkness here and there, but killing people off at Star Trek's usual pace wouldn't just be wrong for the tone, it would be downright bizarre.

But... people die on Star Trek. That's one of the core themes of the show, really: space is full of knowledge and beauty, but also danger and terror, and believing that the former is worth the risk of the latter is (according to Trek) one of humanity's most noble traits. I'm the least bloodthirsty TV watcher I know, but the longer we went with a body count of nil—ships completely evacuated before they were destroyed, main characters hilariously maimed without permanent consequences, etc.—well, I didn't mind per se, but the absence of truly deadly stakes was definitely getting conspicuous.

Turns out they were saving it up for maximum impact. And holy fuck, I've never felt such a pit in my stomach watching a ship get destroyed that wasn't named Enterprise. It felt grim and brutal and somehow both much too quick and dreadfully inevitable—and yeah, it looked extremely fucking cool—and I'd like every other Star Trek property for the rest of time to take notes under a large bold heading labeled RESTRAINT.

Comedy doesn't need to do this, but my favourite comedy does, and in a way that few other art forms can even approach: lower my emotional defences by making me laugh, endear character(s) to me with goofy-but-relatable antics—then BAM, sucker-punch me in the motherfucking feels. M*A*S*H is probably the classic example on TV, Futurama was notorious for it, and even Archer has pulled it off a few times; it's also a staple of some of my favourite standup. I wasn't sure if Lower Decks was going to go there in Season 1—and wasn't sure if they'd earn it—but I knew if they did, that they'd nail it, and damn. Feels good to be right.

Last batch of notes for the season!!! I rambled enough already, so let's do it liveblog-style:

I fucking KNEW they were going to use "archive" visuals from TAS at some point, I KNEW IT :D

"THOSE OLD SCIENTISTS" ahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I like chill and confident Boimler a lot? You can really see—

oh bRADWARD NOOOOO

That opening shot of the Solvang tracking down to the red giant was extremely Discovery-esque... minus the motion sickness, that is

A lady captain AND a lady first officer? That's—oh hey, it's Captain Dayton's brand-new ship. Hahaha, that means they're totally fucked, right?.

Yep! They sure a—umm, wh—shit, okay, but—oh no—no, you can't—wait DON'T

...fuck

FUCK.

Narrator: "And then Amy needed a five-hour break."

[live-action Star Trek showrunner voice] "Gee, Mike! Why does CBS let you have two cold opens?"

Okay, yes, the bit with Rutherford cycling through all the different attitudes in his implant was transparently an excuse for Eugene Cardero to vamp while waiting for something to do in the story, but as far as I'm concerned they can contrive a reason for him to do a bunch of different silly Rutherfords in a row any time they damn well want, because that was classic!!!

EXOCOMP EXOCOMP EXOCOMP EXOCOMP

AND THE EXOCOMP IS PAINTED LIKE THE EXOCOMP IS WEARING A LITTLE EXOCOMP-SIZED STARFLEET UNIFORM

EXOCOMP!!!!!

The slow burn and now the payoff of the Mariner-is-Freeman's-secret-daughter plot has been executed so well. I'm beyond impressed with this writer's room, y'all—they are threading a hell of a needle here

"Wolf 359 was an inside job" would have been a spit-take if I'd had anything in my mouth

...how many memos do you think Starfleet Command has had to issue asking people to stop calling the USS Sacramento "the Sac"?

CAN WE TALK ABOUT HOW THEY'VE DECORATED THE SHUTTLECRAFT SEQUOIA THOUGH

Is, uh, is it weird if I'm starting to ship Tendi and Peanut Hamper a little? It is weird, isn't it. I knew it was weird...

Coital barbs??? I take back everything I said about wanting to know more about Shaxs/T'Ana.

The "good officer" version of Mariner is... kind of hot, tbh! But Tawny Newsome has done such a great job of building this character all season that her voice getting uncharacteristically clipped and martial and "sir! yes, sir!" is also deeply, deeply weird

Ah, so this is literally exactly like when TNG (and DS9) would bring in, and then blow up, a never-before-seen Galaxy-class ship, just to underscore that we're facing a real threat this week, baby. And hey, it fucking worked—my heart was in my throat, omg, for the reveal of the—

PAKLEDS?????????

The fucking PAKLEDS have been gluing weapons to their ships for the last 15 years. GREAT.

(We interrupt the SHIP BEING SLICED INTO SCRAP for an interesting bit of world-building: on Earth, the traditional First Contact Day meal is salmon!)

"I need a dangerous, half-baked solution that breaks Starfleet codes and totally pisses me off! That's an order." I'm starting to think Captain Freeman might actually be overqualified for the Cerritos, y'all—she's REALLY awesome

OH SHIT IT'S BADGEY, this is a TERRIBLE IDEA

"How much contraband have you hidden on my ship?" "I don't know! A lot!"

Awwww, Boims!!!

AHAHAHAHAHAHA, FUCK THIS, PEANUT HAMPER OUT

BADGEY NOOOOO

AUGHHHHH WHAT THE CHRIST DID HE JUST—BUT—RUTHERFORD'S IMPLANT????

RUTHERFORD!!!!!!!!!!

SHAXS!!!!!!

F U C K ! ! ! ! !

ahaIOPugdfhagntpgjrq90e5mgu90qe5;oigoqgw4ouegrw5SP;IAEHURVa IT’S THE TITAN???????????

IT'S CAPTAIN WILLIAM T. RIKER ON THE MOTHERFUCKING TITAN??????????

i'm screaming I'M SCREAMINGGGGGG​TGGGTGQER;​LBHAOIBVNV;​OAPBIJNVagr;h;​oagruipuwtnaetbaetgq35ghqet

I'M SO GLAD THIS WASN'T SPOILED FOR ME WTF

I AM WEEPING LIKE A CHILD

...

(Just a brief 20-minute pause this time)

And oh wow, seeing Will and Deanna hits different after Picard too, in a few different ways, which I may even get into later now that my heartrate is back to normal, lmao

Oh, I am always here for some jokes at the expense of the Sovereign class. The Enterprise-E sucked. They should have built a new bigger model of the D and new Galaxy-class interiors for the TNG movies, and I will die on that hill

OKAY, FINE, YOU GOT ME, RUTHERFORD × TENDI WOULD BE ADORABLE AND THIS IS ACTUALLY A PRETTY GOOD SETUP FOR IT

Awwww, Shaxs though :( Congrats on the single most badass death in Star Trek history, dude. The Prophets would—well, the actual Prophets would probably be slightly confused about most of it, but Kira Nerys would be proud of you and I feel like that probably counts for more. RIP, Papa Bear

I am here all damn DAY for the Mariner–Riker parallels, ahahahahaha

Pausing it to record my prediction that Boimler's commitment to not caring about rank anymore is going to last 3... 2...

Yep.

Bradward, how DARE YOU.

"Those guys had a long road, getting from there to here." OH FOR THE LOVE OF—

What a brilliant way to resolve and renew the various character arcs and relationships moving into Season 2! The writers could easily have brought everything back to status quo—chaotic Mariner fighting with her mom and being a bad influence on Boimler, etc.—and done another 10 just like these, but I suspect that wouldn't have been ambitious enough for these writers. What a blast. I cannot wait for more.

Thanks for following along, friends! Stay tuned for my (similarly patchy and amateur) coverage of Discovery, starting next week!

#star trek #star trek lower decks #lwd spoilers #lower decks spoilers #lower decks #amy's episode notes

[organizationhimself]

Dark Bramble Guide [Taco Bell update]

My friend keeps getting deep space murdered so I figured I would help.  Please note: I am extremely witty and hilarious and I know it.​

So here’s what I’ve learned.

Dark Bramble has five SIX AUGH different openings.  Four along the sides, one on “top,” and one on the “bottom.”  I consider Dark Bramble to be “upright” when it is oriented like so:

Most of the time you’re going to be dumped in front of the four middle openings, which can be the hardest to recognize if you don’t know where to look.

I’ve also determined two routes.  In some cases you can get straight to the Vessel, and in others it’s better to go to the Escape Pod 3 first, and then change your marker to the Vessel (which at least gives you something to do while you’re floating past the three fish).  There is ALWAYS a fish guarding a Vessel seed, but the one in the Escape Pod room is much easier to avoid aggroing as a rule.

Bear in mind that when identifying these routes, I have just shot for my targets (Escape Pod, Vessel) completely full throttle the entire time, not giving a fuck in the world, and eliminated routes that get me eaten this way.  So the key to fish avoidance is to go in one direction as much as possible and avoid firing your rockets in any other directions; often I have been able to full throttle right past a fish that didn’t get upset till I fired a rocket to one side or the other.

I’ve decided to help identify these with some features I call the Dewclaw and the Forsaken Breadstick:

Right in between the Dewclaw and the Breadstick, we have Chili’s:

Chili’s has an Escape Pod in an ok place close by the entrance, and if you’re practicing going straight from Timber Hearth to Dark Bramble, you will always see Chili’s first.  But there’s some vines and stuff in the way of the Escape Pod that make this route sub-par.  There’s better places, so we’re gonna skip Chili’s.  Let’s talk about Tim Hortons.

Tim Hortons is always to the right of Chili’s and the Breadstick and has the best Escape Pod route on the planet, apart from his brother Tom Hortons (who we will get to later).  There’s no fish getting to the Escape Pod’s seed, it’s VERY close, and I have always avoided fish on my way to the Vessel seed from very soon after entering the room unless I was looking for a fish for Science (though there’s some annoying twisting geometry in the way if you don’t go in the direction of the Escape Pod for a bit).  His Vessel route is very dangerous (2 fish yikes) and I got insanely lucky, so that’s a hard no.

This Escape Pod is the route I used to beat the game, so I’m sure it works once you have the warp core (I don’t know if more fish can spawn after you get the warp core but just in case).

Left of Chili’s, we have Olive Garden:

So at first I didn’t really recommend Olive Garden, because I thought the Escape Pod route was ideal and its Escape Pod will absolutely kill you.  But its Vessel route is actually pretty straightforward and could actually be a winner (I had a hard time attracting the attention of its fish).  It seems like Olive Garden tends to be the facing you get when you go straight from the Twins to Dark Bramble with the warp core so it’s probably the one most people naturally go into first.

To the right of Olive Garden (and left of Tim), basically in the “back” of Dark Bramble if you’re facing Chili’s like when you first arrive, there’s Tim’s brother Tom.  This far around it’s hard to see our main two landmarks so here’s a newer, shittier one (sorry):

I called him Tom Hortons because at first I thought he was basically a copy of Tim’s, but Tom is actually better because Tom is an all around yes man.  You want to go Escape Pod?  Do it bud.  Vessel seed?  Yeah man.  Tom’s a bro.  However he is, as I discovered intensely painfully, very easy to mistake for Dark Bramble’s sixth location (the one most visible from directly on “top”), which I have decided to call Taco Bell because it is a pain in my ass:

Taco Bell is kind of caged in by everybody’s sick ‘do’s and is most easily accessible from going around back of Chili’s, to either Olive Garden or Tom Hortons.  It has a perfectly acceptable Escape Pod, and its Vessel seed is basically completely hit or miss.  There’s a vine in front of it in some orientations, so if you go the wrong way around it there’s a Very Mad fish. So like, unless you’re aiming for an Escape Pod route, just don’t go to Taco Bell, y’know?  It’s not worth it.

Finally, on the bottom, there’s Subway:

Subway is extremely easy to find because it’s on the very bottom and caged inside a bunch of vines that can be a little tricky to navigate.  Also, its Escape Pod route will kill you.  Its Vessel route may, potentially, also kill you--I found the fish easier to aggro--but it is very close and convenient like Olive Garden and Tom Hortons.  Basically you might as well go to one of those, they’re just as close and easier on entry, but if you’re really struggling to identify them then Subway is impossible to miss.  You have to want to go there.

Again, orientation is EVERYTHING in Dark Bramble, so if I say things are in the upper left/right/whatever then that’s gonna be meaningless if you approach from a different angle, but here are some outside and inside photos from the center openings as approached from an “upright” angle.  This is proceeding around Dark Bramble’s center, starting from Chili’s and moving right:

Taco Bell on top and Subway on bottom are impossible for me to give a consistent orientation for, so Subway may vary significantly from what you see depending on your angle:

Taco Bell is a pain in the ass so it gets two of these based on which other (better) opening you face before you fly “up” over it:

So basically, the safe Escape Pod seeds tend to be very close to the ceiling or wall and out of the way, and if the Vessel seed looks far away I’d try another entrance.  From cross-referencing I have determined that a safe initial distance is usually between 1 and 1.3km, and a distance between 1.5 and 1.7km almost certainly has a fish, but again some orientations may still end up attracting attention where others would not.

Best Escape Pod Routes:

Tom Hortons

Tim Hortons

Taco Bell

Chili's (obstructed)

Best Vessel Routes:

Tom Hortons

Olive Garden

Subway

Taco Bell (obstructed)

I am pretty sure that both the Escape Pod room and the Vessel room are the same entrance flipped around different ways no matter where you enter the seed, and it’s really impossible to make the orientation consistent, but as a result both the Pod and the Vessel should be in the same place and you can navigate from there.

If you choose to take an Escape Pod route, I’d recommend aiming for the Escape Pod itself until you see a really prominent red glow from the Vessel seed.  This can help you avoid all the crap floating around in the way, and it’s also completely safe once you get into the vines (I have never been eaten there from any orientation).  Alternatively, following the lights to the dead Nomai also gives you a straight shot to the Vessel seed with what feels to me like the smallest possible chance of running into a fish (I think this is a gameplay mechanic), but it takes longer.

Once you actually make it into the Vessel seed DO NOT MOVE.  You will not hit the fish.  You cannot hit the fish.  You will literally go through the fish, and then it’s ok to start accelerating up to 2 bars as long as you are under 900km away from the Vessel marker (but probably safer at under 800km). After further testing, I’m pretty sure there’s only one fish inconveniently close to the final seed, which you pass on the way.  I tend to be drifting at this point to make sure I don’t slam into the branch between me and the seed, so I don’t recommend going above 1 bar around here if you can help it, the fish is more aggressive than I first thought and it’s kind of 50/50 whether he’ll actually chase you.

Fortunately, there’s a pretty foolproof direction to go in:

This last branch before the seed has a little curved area that is the perfect size for your ship, and if you go through it while still aiming for the Vessel, you will be almost perfectly lined up for an opening.  (In this particular orientation I managed not to alert the fish at all, but it’s not a good idea to stop to adjust here, I’d just aim for this opening regardless.)

I think this section is kinda designed for the fish to notice you, and even if he does, you’re generally going to be close enough to the seed to make it inside before he can reach you.  But sometimes he screams at me just as I’m about to go inside it even if he made no reaction before, so be prepared for that possibility.

Last tips: -If you do attract a fish, try to put it between you and a seed.  It will get slowed down or stuck in the geometry, giving you some time to go into the seed. -If a fish groans and comes your way, stop thrusting IMMEDIATELY.  If you go dark before it screams, it will go where it last heard the noise and you can coast right past.  (It helps to be going at a pretty fast pace.) -For endgame setup, I found 2:00 - 3:00 to be an optimal timing to doze off at the fire before going to Ash Twin to catch the first cycle (but that can vary across consoles/computers).

(Edit: Looks like my theme is not nice to these images so larger versions are available here if you need clearer ones, or the full guide is also up on Steam now because I am a menace.)

On a final note, Outer Wilds doesn’t care about your suffering, which is why the very first time I finally pulled out the warp core, Ember Twin got ahold of my ship and did this shit to it:

thanks for coming to my ted talk good luck with ur endless fish.

@autopotion

#outer wilds spoilers #outer wilds #outer wilds dark bramble

[ksbwnotes]

Chapter 8, Part 2

*groans in hands* I have to finish reading everything by September 14. I have no clue if I have the drive for this, but fuck me for having more determination to read this than any of my nursing books...

1. ...So it...wasn’t because...he was killing his prey???

Oh my god I hate that smirk on your face Sangstop.

But...now that does make me wonder if this is true and to what extent it’s true. Bum has been picturing Sangwoo slicing into women while he was downstairs and we also see Sangwoo’s hands often damp. So honestly, installing that pulley can’t be the only things he does there.  

Actually now that I think about it, the dampness is more from having to clean the basement and making sure there’s no residue from the woman that he killed. He’s very thorough. 

But...that pulley. Maybe he really did install that just in case?  He’s starting to use methods he has never did before. Because he has an outlier in his life now that he never expected. So he needs different types of punishments whenever Bum steps out of line, things that won’t break Bum completely like blades and sledgehammers will. If he’s going to keep Bum by his side and properly train him, then he can’t keep using the same methods he uses to kill his victims. 

Because, ultimately, he doesn’t want to kill Bum. (later on, when he does decide he’ll kill Bum, we see him reach a new level of destruction that he wasn’t capable of earlier. He had to break more in order to reach that point. So, losing Bum made Sangwoo lose whatever little hope he had and, metaphorically, killing Bum means Sangwoo is killing whatever hope he had)

2. *wince* yep

God your reactions are delayed, but...yeah. 

Sangwoo’s first reaction was to treat Bum favorably with a little kiss. To show that, yes, that’s one of the correct actions Bum could’ve taken--one of the ways to change his mind. But 1) Bum still came onto him sexually. Sex seems more of a trigger for Sangwoo (honestly, I think 99% of the women Sangwoo has slept with have died lol). 2) If Sangwoo let Bum have his way, then Bum will have the upperhand and he can’t have that. This is about making sure Bum knows what he did wrong and that he won’t do it again. 

So even if a part of him does like what Bum did, it’s not something he can overall accept. 

Oh one thing about his delayed reactions...it might be another coping mechanism of his?  As a way to build up resistance to what he’s about to do. Whenever he does something impulsively, you see him lose it. But when he takes the time to do things, his expression is more dead-eyed than wild-eyed. 

3. Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shooting stars

But i still can’t help but laugh lsjg;ijeog

Also, Bum, please...just...connect the dots faster please...but one notable thing about his character is that he doesn’t. While Sangwoo experiences delays in understanding, Bum disconnects entirely from the reality. Koogi keeps this trait of his goddang consistent.

4. Wait what the fuck

This is...worse than cutting???  You can literally snap someone’s neck with the force of pulling them up straight from the ground. How is this supposed to be a better option??  Also, lets be real, Bum’s trachea would’ve been done in by the force of this. Honestly, I’m surprised Bum’s jaw is fine. Fkk, what about the SPINE, HUH SANGWOO!!??!?!? The fact that Bum’s still able to even speak afterwards and does not have burn marks from the rope is...is whyyyyy this is a piece of fiction, Aetas, not real life sjgo;erjg.

Anyways, okay, so Koogi must have chosen this as Sangwoo’s alternative for a reason and I do think Sangwoo believes this is genuinely a better option. Even though, just speaking from personal experience dealing with patients, they always respond more dramatically to airway closure than blood loss. 

If I think about my earlier idea, he uses violence not really as a sexual outlet (though, probably at this point, he doesn’t know how to get off without--at the very least--being rough and treating his partner as an object), but as a way to hurt people in the way he has perceived them hurting him. The bonus is giving them bruises and scars that he can see--visible marks for the invisible pain they’ve given him. It’s...validating for him, maybe?

So, this way, Bum is still suffering and being punished for making Sangwoo ‘suffer’, but won’t have visible marks. In this way, this is less validating for Sangwoo because there’s no “proof” of pain, so Sangwoo perceives it as less painful. Because he’s a fucking asshole and that’s putting it too kindly (lol Sangwoo worsening instead of getting better and dying at the end is literally the only reason why I decided to read this and why I respect Koogi).

Also, from what I see later, Sangwoo knows for how long he can hold Bum there without him dying. So I’m not sure who the hell he is tried this on...says me who literally used fkkn google to research how long it takes for someone to pass out from hanging. Which can range anywhere from 3 seconds to 1.5 minutes. So. It varies lol. 

Ohhhh also this is much faster than cutting Bum open. That probably could’ve taken half an hour to even more than that if Sangwoo went that route. But with hanging, Sangwoo knows it can only go for so long, which is why he doesn’t go for more than one session of this. Bum can suffer for either 30 seconds via a very acute session of asphyxiation or he can suffer for thirty minutes or more via cutting. 

Ohhh this is actually very smart of Sangwoo. I can see now why he chose this. He understands that hanging is much scarier and will make the victim really feel like they’re gonna die. So, this explains why Sangwoo decided to set this up for Bum. Because he believes only Bum would be able to prove that, yes, Sangwoo can choose the alternative because he won’t hurt Sangwoo past the point of no return (in a way, death for the victim means that Sangwoo can no longer forgive them because the pain they gave him is just as bad as death). 

5. I don’t have anything to back this up, I really don’t, BUT--

Even though Sangwoo is smiling like an insane freak, it...kind of seems like he’s emulating all the hollywood serial killers we’ve seen on TV. People who are doing this smile like they’re truly enjoying life and blah blah blah. Honestly, Koogi probably means Sangwoo to be like this, like the classic serial killer that gets off other people’s pain.

But for me, it’s like Sangwoo is acting a part. Again, the eyeless thing. Sangwoo is taking on a persona--rather than truly allowing his brain to be present, to think about the situation for himself--that is meant to enjoy this just for the sake of it. 

I also don’t think Sangwoo ever goes into these things planning to kill his victims right then and there. Like, right now, I don’t think he’s planning to actually hang Bum to his death. I can assume Sangwoo has done enough research to know when to stop so that they don’t actually die (but again, it will depend on how his victim responds to the hanging). 

Because Sangwoo keeps giving Bum (and all his other victims) a chance. He probably gave CEO girl a chance right before deciding to kill her because, unlike Bum, she kept screaming and begging for her life. That is why Bum won. Because he proved worthy of a ‘second chance’.

And back to not wanting to actually kill them, that’s because killing them means he’s alone again. I honestly think he’s only doing this to people he has genuinely felt attached to in some way. He wants them to save him. To say, no, he’s not a monster, that he’s still worthy of being loved, that the way his mother loved him is not the type of love he deserves.  

If they’re unable to save him, then that means they’ll only destroy him. And, so, he must get rid of them first before that happens.

6. Seriously no hands why the fuck and what the fuck Sangwoo

Okay, this is gonna be a loooooong one.

And this ties in with my idea about how Sangwoo never actually goes in with the conscious plan to kill his victims (this is very similar to how Bum goes in thinking of one thing, but his actions end up suggesting something entirely different). 

It’s like he ends up killing them as a reaction to what they did

Similar to someone shooting a home invader dead and having it be self-defense

Also, this acts as a mitigating technique to avoid any guilt he feels

I think this also ties in to why Sangwoo doesn’t ‘plan’ things too deeply and just takes things step by step

Because the more he thinks about what he’s doing, the less he’s able to see himself as a human. 

In a way, Sangwoo’s guilt and shame is driving him to do things that just worsen his guilt and shame. 

Because he knows he can never be forgiven

He can never forgive himself 

The reason why he wants someone to magically save him is because ‘helping him’ is a two way street

A hand may reach out to him, but he has to be the one to take hold of it--and it won’t end there

He has to trust the hand to keep a hold on him, no matter what happens--and he has to put in continuous effort to keep holding on as well. 

He cannot trust someone to not only help him, but keep helping him and, more than that, he cannot trust himself. 

He has no hope in the world around him and has no hope for himself, so in a way, the constant killing is a self-preservation act as well

Since, subconsciously, he knows that he cannot live a normal life because of everything that has happened--

--and the world keeps going on in their own bubble despite his pain--

--He has to do something to keep that from crushing him. 

So, instead of killing himself, he’ll continue killing others because it’s what he’s familiar with anyways. And in survival, familiarity is necessary--a form of homeostasis--because that is when protection is possible.

And actually, back to that wanting a savior part. 

Sangwoo has never once been truly protected

He has never felt a sense of security as a child

So, to protect himself, he has made himself impenetrable--stronger and always making sure he has the upperhand 

Anyone who threatens him in any way should be dealt with swiftly so that they never take away his sense of security

So, wanting a savior seems totally opposite of what he should want, but everything he’s done to strengthen himself is in response to never having someone protect him

He wants to be protected for once

He wants someone he can rely on to guide him every step of the way, to be there for him when he’s weak and be his strength

It is something he has been looking for in every one of his victims and Bum is the closest that he can get to fulfilling it

Unfortunately, a savior is exactly what Bum is not. 

And a savior is exactly what Sangwoo does not fkkn need to get better, if he even can at this point.

There are no such things as saviors, just like there are no such things as protagonists. The moment you put ‘getting better’ as someone else’s responsibility rather than your own, you’ve made it so that you can never get better. 

7. Goddang boy, you really know you have nothing else but the grave waiting for you

Hmmmmn...actually, this is...huh. Oh. Okay. Okay. Uhm. So. 

Remember when I said that Sangwoo doesn’t go into these things planning to kill his victim??  Okay so that’s not wrong...but not right either. 

I thought that Bum did the whole hanging this solely as an alternative punishment, which I still think has merit, but now I’m like...okay so, Sangwoo does every little thing he can to make it so that no one can love him. He tries to make it fkkn impossible, which he succeeds at. 

He knows that hanging will bring out more dramatic effects from a person. And Bum has this thing where he can say one thing, but then completely do a 180 from it. And asphyxiation can really force someone to be more...open about their thoughts lol. It’s the lack of blood to the brain, so the brain will have less barriers to keep their filter in check. 

I don’t think he made the pulley as an alternative or lesser punishment, but as a “finality”. He gets that Bum is crossing into ‘unforgivable’ territory, but at the same time, is at the ‘I can still save you’ precipice, which is a hope that is more destructive to Sangwoo. Having that hope then it being torn down will be the last act that destroys his sanity (which is exactly what we see at the end of the comic). 

Because, in a way, he’s still controlling himself in his killings. He’s not just killing anyone, he’s specifically choosing his victims, which reduces the amount of people he kills. If he has to keep on killing, his conscience will make it so that he won’t just start going on random killing sprees and making the body count explode. That is the last tether he has to his sanity.

So, before that tether snaps--by way of having his hope destroyed completely by people like Bum--he’ll put an end to it before it gets any further. This hanging thing was meant to bring out the ‘truth’ from Bum. It was meant to break down all the barriers and finally show his true colors. Which is when Sangwoo can kill Bum via hanging. This will be very different from what he has done before, but Bum was different as well. So him breaking from his habits is his way of applauding Bum. 

 8. Sangwoo’s Doki Doki moment lol

I like how Koogi put those black lines in there as a form of a ‘blush’, but not actually a blush because nothing about this moment is romantic lol. And that ‘thump’ is a facsimile of a person’s heart beating when falling in love.

I honestly think this is the moment where Sangwoo falls in Lima Syndrome. 

Sangwoo is expecting Bum to react in a way that will finally let Sangwoo kill Bum once and for all. Screaming ‘motherfucker’ again. Curse him and say he will die a painful death, like his mother. Beg ‘please’ and for help, like CEO daughter. Anything but Bum still calling Sangwoo’s name, like he’s still a human instead of a monster. 

Just like my first instinct to be like “fucker this is way worse than cutting someone” and reminded me of why Sangwoo should die, Sangwoo knows that what he’s doing to Bum warrants Bum treating him like a monster. But from Sangwoo’s point of view, that isn’t what Bum is doing.

9. Lol, Sangwoo, stop fucking romanticizing this oh my god

KOOGI. STOP OH MY GOD. NO. YOU’RE KILLING ME. SANGWOO’S EXPRESSION. NO. DON’T. I WANT TO STRANGLE MY HEART FOR MAKING ME FEEL FOR THIS FUCKER.

But seriously. This expression. It’s like Sangwoo’s prayers are actually being answered and he can’t believe it. It’s like he’s looking at God reaching out to save him from all the demons threatening to pull him down into hell. There’s this heartbreaking sense for hope and Sangwoo is so scared that it will fall through his fingertips and shatter on the ground at his feet. 

But it is worthy to note that Bum calling out to Sangwoo via his name is actually pretty normal. I think it’s more common for children calling out for their parent to stop, because the person who is hurt them is more often then not the only person who can help them. And if throwing away your pride to appeal to your abuser is the only way to make this pain stop, then no fucking duh they will. 

Just because Bum is the only one who has done so at this point doesn’t mean Bum is ‘special’. He’s a fkkn human being who has been abused ever since he was a child and is familiar with the other ways of begging for his life. If anything, I think this is more indicative of how specific Sangwoo’s victims are and that he hasn’t actually killed that many people. 

10. Goddang Koogi, so much respect for you

Seriously, the way Sangwoo reacts to this is the same way when he later reacts to Bum saying “I love you” while Sangwoo is raping him. 

So going off of that future incidence, Sangwoo here is being affected by Bum on a personal level. This is the level where, if triggered, the more he’ll want to keep Bum by his side because this is the closest Sangwoo can get to genuinely/healthily loving someone. 

But the thing is, THIS is how he reacts to it. With aggression. And there’s this muscle twitch at the corner of his mouth that even suggests fear. Because that is how Eunsoo conditioned Sangwoo to react to ‘love’. Love is not something to desire, it’s something to repel because it’s a threat to your existence. But, of course, Sangwoo still wants love--he wants to be shown how love was meant to be in the first place. 

And that is why he saves Bum. 

Because Bum is his only--damning, dangerous, terrifying--hope for experiencing that.

(which is exactly why he fucking snaps later when he realizes that Bum cannot give him what he wants and if Bum can’t, no one can, so what’s the point of anything?)

11. O_O Oh...uhm.

I’m...yeah. So I still don’t think Sangwoo is the type that gets sexual gratification from killing and torturing people. Him holding Bum up by his legs so that he’s no longer choking is, I think, evidence of that. 

In a way, this is more from a twisted version of demisexuality. I’m sure Sangwoo got hard the moment Bum started taking off his clothes to crawl over to Sangwoo, which triggered Sangwoo’s danger senses. Because not only love, but he equates sex to something horrifying and disgusting--and the way Sangwoo is grimacing in that last panel does suggest that he’s revolted by his hard-on. It’s just that he can’t help it, because his experiences conditioned him to only finding release via situations that make him feel disgusted. 

Sangwoo didn’t reach peak arousal when Bum was thrashing around the moment he was being hanged. He reached it when Bum was calling out his name, still treating him like a person with a name rather than a monster who deserves to die. He wasn’t turned on by Bum, he was turned on by Bum’s ‘acceptance’ of Sangwoo. Rather than heterosexuality or homosexuality, this is closer to demisexuality because what he wants is someone to love him despite being a monster among humans.

Oh, I want to note that Bum calling out Sangwoo’s name could be likened to calling out Sangwoo’s name during the...throes of passion lol. 

12. Wow you’re really enjoying yourself there, Sangstop

Hmn so again, I do think this is another showcase of demisexuality. 

He doesn’t care that he’s getting off to manly cries, holding onto legs that are more boney skin than shapely meat, and a penis ‘hanging’ (omg i can’t believe i was able to fit a pun in here) above his head there. 

He looks super blissed out here and I don’t think he’d be looking like this with any woman he has fucked. It has probably been a long time since he has even been this aroused by another woman. And the first time in a long time that he has been aroused was by some skinny, creepy loser who’s not just a loser, but a man. 

Because it wasn’t the genitalia that was getting him off. It was Bum’s treatment of Sangwoo. So, in a way, he’s starting to like Bum IN SPITE OF his dick lol. 

13. *blinks* oh I can’t be quite sure

But I think Sangwoo made sure Bum would fall onto the bed rather than the concrete. I don’t think the position of the bed was...right over the pulley...or maybe Sangwoo made sure it would be?  Because he knows that hanging Bum could go either way: kill him or let him fall free. 

14. How...do you think of these things, Sangstop...

I mean, creativity aside (which makes me go down a whole bunch of avenues and I really really just want this to end already), Sangwoo actually uses the words “Before I do something I’ll regret.”

Again, Sangwoo’s Lima Syndrome starts here. Had this been earlier, Sangwoo would’ve done something he wouldn’t have regretted. Actually, had Bum not called out Sangwoo’s name, Sangwoo would not have regretted killing him. He could’ve fooled himself into thinking he was relieved because he got rid of an outlier that threatened his last piece of sanity. That he was free from the danger that was Bum.

But no. At this point, Sangwoo knows that if he does something that ends up killing Bum, he will regret it. The release he had earlier fooled him into thinking that Bum was special and could give him something that no woman would ever be able to give him. If he could ‘train’ Bum more, if Bum can exceed his expectations, than he can probably finally get what he has been searching for in all of his victims. 

And this is why he pushes Bum’s head in the water. Because now it’s no longer /just/ inflicting pain in order teach a lesson--to get revenge. It’s also about training Bum to make Sangwoo feel like he’s human.

15. Hey, I think this is the first time Sangwoo mentions how he has been treating Bum

Before, it’s always like “Bum you liar” or “I can’t believe you made me do this”, but now Sangwoo actually says “I treat you better than I have ever treated anyone else before, and this is how you repay me??”

Now it has become personal. Sangwoo’s feelings are involved because he is now acknowledging that, yes, he is treating Bum in a way that he could’ve never imagined treating anyone. So, now, Bum can actually do things like scratch Sangwoo’s skin and NOT get killed, which is fucking foreign to Sangwoo. 

Because, before, it was all about never letting anyone have the upperhand. The moment someone threatens him, he asserts his dominance to the highest level he possibly can while still being under the guise of “law-abiding citizen”. 

Bum, in effect, has become the only person who can physically wound Sangwoo and still live to tell the tale.

Aaaaaaand because there is more for me to unpack but I’ve reached a point where my brain is mush and I can no longer make sense of what I’m writing down, I’m actually going to end it here and pick it back up tomorrow. 

Oh my fucking god.

#chapter 8 #volume 1 #jfc this is so long #and i can't believe i STILL have more to say #why the fuck are there going to be 3 parts to chp 8!?!?!?!?

[impulsivelycontentious]

No one reads this or connects it with my other online identities but since I've removed personals involvement from my other social media stuff, and I feel like bitching, I am jsut gonna go ahead and do it.

So I have brain damage. Yeaaaaars ago I threw up so hard I actually ripped open the inside of an artery in my neck, and it threw a clot, and that clot did some nasty shit on its way on through and out.

No doctor noticed for two weeks.

Everyone else did.

Good times.

Anyway.

So now I have a damaged brain. Brains don't grow back. Some areas can regenerate a few cells - notably the prefrontal lobe - but mostly brains fix themselves not by regenerating like skin does, but by rearranging the cells we have to fire to fancy new configurations.

This has been quite the ride. Because shit, it changes things.

I don't even know how much of my personality is consistent. No idea. Let alone everything else.

I have memory loss my nurologist won't akowledge because it falls short of dementia. That was the bar. "You don't have dementia, you know what year it is." Gee thanks there chief.

Anyway.

My brain wasn't too stable to begin with. I have always been prone to logic leaps that occur very quickly and not necessarily in ways other people would make them. My mind is jumbled and a little random and things collide all the time that probably shouldn't.

This has become much worse since the brain damage. See, my brain keeps wiring shit together. Shit it really shouldn't. It changes who I am, what I think, what I can think.

It's actually quite terrifying to realise you're a sack of geletine misfiring lighting at itself.

So anyway. To the point. Yes - I have one of those. Probably. It's somewhere in here.

Oh right, no, another detour. I'm autistic. "Oh yeah, they definatly didn't screen girls when I was a kid because how the fuck did they miss this otherwise" autistic.

Back to the point.

Recently I had this sensory processing ... Whatever the fuck that was. I call them.idssocistive episodes. I don't know how accurate that is. But my mind unhooks from my sensory data. Everything feels muted and unreal - sound, sight, touch, heat. Name it. It's wrong.

I hate these.

It gets particularly nasty because there are nurologicsl consequences. See, my concious mind ramps up it's interpretation of sensory data. It goes all in and leaves the rest of my existence stuffed in this tiny little box without enough space to do dick.

One effect of this is I suddenly become highly obsessive. I think it's a comfort mechanism, I require the same stimulus over and over again or to somehow mentally connect it to the same element. Of course, it could also jsut be that obsessive behaviour towards interests is part of who I am. I am autistic. I DEFIANTLY go all in when something fascinates me. But not... Not like this.

Do you have ANY IDEA how many times I watched starwars 8 in 72 hours? Any clue? Holy fricking ... Something. I watched it fast. I watched it slow. I watched it skipping ahead 10 seconds every 10 seconds. I dissected that thing in micrscopic detail.

It gets better. Because mere hours before I got hit with this episode... I was not a starwars fan.

Nope. I watched it. It was ok. I wasn't going out of my way for it.

And suddenly. Wham. Episode 8. All the time. I watched some 7 and 9 as well but it was like it was entierly because eit was connected to 8.

I cannot even.

And while this is happening, *I know*. I know. I really do. I know this isn't my normal behaviour. I know this isn't my wheelhouse. I know something is deeply, deeply wrong in my brain.

I think it might actually be an ok movie, honestly. But not THAT good. And now it's one of my favourite things. Forever. I have no idea if it's actually good. Did I not give eit a chance the first time? Is my obsessive brain simply emotionally hooked up how? Fuck, I don't know.

So that's why I'm posting today. On this day. May 4th.

I'm seeing a lot of star wars today and it's making my brain tickle with it's own ridiculousness.

Not the whole point though. Because it lasted 72 hours (I watched dit one more time after that and if wasn't near as intense).

But what happened AFTER my 72 hours as an obsessive raylo (oh yeah. I went there. I'm not even ashamed. I am also compeltely content with the end they got, because I do not see that shit working out).

Brains don't regrow. They rewire.

And suddenly, I'm drawing. Like... A lot. I filled pages of doodles. Sketches. I redrew a peice I'd been working on for about a month in a few hours and damnit, it was good. It's not professional quality but I'd never down anything that well before. This goes on for another day. And then I started a story, and I wrote 2000 words all at once.

I'm dyslexic. And words are severely impacted by my brain damage to the point it can cause me phsycial pain to force my thoughts in to words.

And here I am. Going nuts on my phone. The words just spilling out and again - damnit, it was good shit.

My brain was abstracting. Where the concious sort had been shunted, it wasn't directing the abstracting aspect of my mind.

And I was making cognative leaps. My brain was wiring itself together for creativity.

For another 24 hours.

And now, dear reader, we get to now.

I have written 200 words in the last 2 days. They feel wrong.

I started and stopped a dozen images. None of them feel right. And there are objective quality differences.

I can still draw a bit. If I'm not tired. I'm almost always tired - it's neural fatigue, it comes with surviving a brain damage.

I have somehow brain damaged my way in to better skills.

And it's... It's not a good feeling.

Doing it the first time and watching something take place in front of my eyes I don't recognise was like magic. It was euphoric. Amazing. Exciting.

Realising as time wears on that the ability to do this is intrinsically tied in to the way ones brain handles brain damage and sensory processing issues?

Not a great feeling cats. Not at all.

I find myself staring at a document willing words on tot he page that just aren't there anymore and feeling so frustrated I could scream.

Whose idea was this anyway? Why can't I keep my rewiring?

It's so hard dto explain the feeling of loss.

It's not me who did these things. A version of me, yes. But not the one we are keeping.

The one we keep struggles to hold a narrarive in her head and the narrator's tone took 3 rewritten to preserve for a single paragraph.

I don't want to stop. But how do I keep going? I'm not the author anymore and I've always struggled with adopting the tone of others.

So yeah. That's where I'm at. And I wanna talk about it. Because I don't want to be alone. But I can't escape the feeling I'm being dramatic. Terribly dramatic. And so talking about it is hard. How much is my own spin and perception and how much is real?

Did this really happen?

I think it did. But like every story I tell, I don't know. Memory loss. Cognetive issues.

I just wanna tell stories and draw. But the words hurt and the art makes me tired.

It's frustrating is all.

I hate being lighting geletine.

In case you're wondering what kind of cognative leap happened:

That one is april 4th.

And that one April 28th.

🤷‍♀️

Fucked if I know, really.

#brain damage #star wars #wtf was that #autism #writing #drawing #spd #art #experiances #ramblings #and why not #so tired #and now i have a headache #i have no idea why Im even writing this #weirdly obsessive brain #just brain stuff #neurology #neurodivergent #brain damage is fucked up #that time i was brain damaged and joined a fandom #its not a bad fandom. im just confused. #i dont get tags #lightning geletine #i miss me

[humanoidmindbox]

Us Vs. Them

Abstract

In this essay, I will be assessing my personal feelings and attitudes toward different and defined groups. During this analysis, I will be breaking up the population into four groups: Us, Them, Allies, and Enemies. These groups have been formulated by and based on the workings and fields of psychology, psychiatry, individuals with mental illnesses (including me) and how societal norms fit into issues raised in this paper. I hope you find this to be worthwhile and I hope this sparks the fire of your intellectual flame.

-‐----------------------------------------

The American population, in the terms of mental illness, psychology, and sociology, fall into one of four categories which are detailed below:

US

This group of people are those who suffer from profound mental illness. The affliction must be (Your illness doesn't have to be all of these things, but it must be most of them):

Chronic; recurring; cause suffering; affect your relationships with others; make it so you cannot keep a job; make it so you cannot function in society; possibly get government compensation for your illness; *been hospitalized in the psych ward; been arrested when your symptoms were active; reckless and/or impulsive behaviors; suicide attempt(s); and became violent when your symptoms were active. 

Them

These people are the majority of the population. They blindly follow pop culture and buy into what the masses are doing, believing, and saying. They do not have severe mental illness although they may be diagnosed with the garden-variety depression and anxiety. They have never been to inpatient for mental disorders, except maybe once, a long time ago. They will try to relate to you when it comes to mental health but they are just regurgitating what the trendy treatments and hardships are (the commonplace “social anxiety” is on the rage right now). In the inpatient hospital, the Them are the hospital staff. Especially the ones who give you the shot and put you in isolation. They are the ones who pink slip you and call the police. They think drugs are bad. You can’t truly trust Them. They don’t understand you and they probably never will. Most of Them are not hateful or mean. They are just ignorant, inexperienced, and constantly lecturing you or preaching to you. Most of Them view you as less-than, whether it is intended or not. 

Allies

Imagine a straight line down the middle of a square. This divides the “Us” and “Them” that we already went over. But directly on that line, not leaning to one side or the other, sits the “Allies.” The Us’s allies have most likely not gone to the mental hospital except maybe once, long ago. But they have a mental illness that brings them suffering. They may be in mental health treatment. They struggle almost every day and their behaviors reflect that. They are a part of society and will never and have never been deemed unfit to be a working part of society. They get along with others although they feel like no one completely understands them. They do not blindly follow all of pop culture’s rules and trends. They support the Us. We can trust them somewhat. They are our allies. 

Enemies 

The Enemies only exist within the “Them” group. They are the ones we must watch the most carefully and never trust. Most of “Us'' do not have many Enemies on the outside but we have plenty of Enemies on the inside (inpatient). The Enemies at the hospital are those who give you the shot after they have to hold you down when you’re screaming and thrashing around because you’re so fucking freaked out. They are the ones who put you in four point restraints and let you “tire yourself out.” On the outside, the police are the Enemy for apprehending you while they get a pink slip. They are anyone who pink slips you. The Enemy tells you that you’re crazy when you know you are doing well. They threaten the hospital and hang it over your head. The Enemy treats you unfairly because something that you cannot control or help is wrong with you. The reason why Them can never be fully trusted is because any one of Them could become the Enemy at any time.

-------------------------------------------------------

I first felt the “Us Vs. Them” divide when I started frequenting mental hospitals. And when I started showing signs of severe  symptoms of mental illness. In the hospital, you are a “rat in a cage” (Smashing Pumpkins song) with the staff holding the only key to get out. A drastic power imbalance exists between the staff and the patient: we are the prisoners and they are the guards. All we want to do is get out. All we want to do is go home. And if not home, then at least to a different, free place. 

When I had my major mental breakdown/manic episode of winter 2019, I had been taking my medications- they were just the wrong ones. In the cage, you must take your medications, whether you want to or not. Whether you trust Them or not. If you refuse medication, They take you to court and get a court order forcing you to take your medication while you are inpatient. 

There are some key ways that the “Us” and the “Them” are different in the mental hospital dynamic. They own your body: you are forced to take medications, you are locked in a box (hopefully not isolation). You can’t hurt yourself and if you do, you will stay longer (same goes for violence against others). They control your behaviors: They deem what is “appropriate” and “inappropriate” behaviors. If you break the rules surrounding these behaviors, you will get the shot, isolation, moved to a worse ward (for the more violent and disruptive patients), restraint holds, staying longer, or any combination of these events. The worst one I can think of is moving wards up a number. They try to brain-wash you: They say: “There is only one way to live life and we know the correct way to live it.” “The correct way to live is only what we arbitrarily and subjectively call “healthy coping mechanisms” and you must abandon all “unhealthy” ones in order to live life correctly and avoid being society’s pariah.” “Your only hope to be a functioning person is to abide by the teachings of CBT and DBT. All other methods will not work.” They have the opinion that their methods of recovery always  work and if you are not having positive effects from their treatments, you must be doing it wrong- they deny that their treatments do not work for everybody and fail to recognize that the “bad” coping mechanisms are the only way that certain people can get by.

When you are mandated as an inpatient in the hospital, you have no rights. They take away your rights as a person. They tell you where to go, what to eat, and they control how long you are in there, what medication you take, and worst of all- when you get put down like a dog with a shot or when you switch to a more severe level. You are treated like an animal in a cage, and there is nothing that you can do about it. Losing control of your own body to this degree leads to something inside of you breaking  and you turning into a feral animal (hospital song). After that happens (especially if it happens multiple times), you are never the same. 

There are laws to keep other people from harming you or your property. I believe that it is a good thing that these laws are in place and that they should be upheld. But there are also laws that are made to prevent you from harming yourself and I don’t think such laws should exist. Once again, I question what the authorities, our working society (Them) and the masses (Them) deem “harmful” and ultimately illegal.

Most people in society simply follow popular culture. They just look to what the majority of others do and follow suit. But they have blinders on: they don’t see that they come up with justifications and sorry attempts at reasons to back-up their choice to blindly follow the majority.

The authorities and society says:

Drugs = Bad→ Laws against it.

Self-harm = Bad→ No laws against it but there is intense societal disapproval and shaming connected to it.

*It is the least harmful on this list because it does not alter your mood or drastically change your brain chemistry for prolonged periods of time. But, apparently, it is the most shocking and the most taboo. 

Medication = Good→ Sometimes there are laws enforcing it.  

I believe all of these things can be good or bad depending on the specific person that it affects. Everyone is different and if you simply follow what pop culture’s opinion is on these issues without looking into them further, it shows ignorance, a lack of curiosity and exploration, rigidity, and a propensity towards the judgement of others. It often signifies that the “Them” in question is too weak to think for themselves and to withstand society’s brainwashing. 

I will never think of cutting or drugs as “bad coping skills.” “Good coping skills” consist of talking about your issues and crying according to the “Them.” And according to the hospitals, CBT, and DBT, good coping skills include activities like aroma therapy and drawing. But what do these things do? Nothing. You need a release or a change in the state of mind. Talking about what upsets you is just reliving it all over again. Plus, what if you do not trust anyone enough to tell them what's on your mind? Crying is bullshit. I feel that it is pathetic for me to cry. That’s just how I feel. I have trained myself not to. So why should I do something detrimental to myself when I am already in distress? “Good” coping skills don’t really work and only the simple-minded buy into them. “Bad” coping skills shouldn’t be judged as bad or taboo just because others have all-or-none thinking about them when it's the only thing that helps some people.

Medication: Taking medication should be the mentally ill’s choice. Medication is not right for everybody; it is not always the best thing to do. Not everyone likes themselves on medication. Who are we to judge if a person is the “correct” version of themselves or not? Forcing someone to take psychiatric medications is rooted in a power and control structure that overshadows others. I believe that we should leave others alone when it comes to this and let them live how they want to live. Just because we’re mentally ill, doesn't mean we have to do what you want with our bodies anymore.

In conclusion, I believe individuals and society as a whole should look beyond the systems of the law, procedures in mental health facilities, standard practices of therapies, pop culture trends/rules , and societal norms to find each of our unique spots in this society. We need to rethink what is considered “unhealthy” and what is “healthy” and why we put actions into those categories. We need to be more open and steer clear of letting others dictate what we believe. I’m tired of being lectured and shamed. Let's move on together. 

#mental hospital #mental illness #mental health #mental disorder #essay #prose #prose essay #sociology #abnormal psychology #psych #psychology #psychology student

[musashi]

hm, im a pretty casual gamer and i probably wont be able to actually play any other zeldas since the switch is my only console. My favorite tone is darker but with bits of hope but i also like light hearted things! My fave thing abt botw was the characters, how every npc was unique and had a different personality. I also loved the champions! I also liked the setting, that they failed and now had to try again. I also liked Link!! I thought his character was great! i wanna know more abt him!

My heart of hearts is SCREAMING at you to watch a let’s play/full playthru of Majora’s Mask. You can’t really do “cutscene movies” with Zelda like a lot of other games because fully-rendered cutscenes weren’t a thing til BOTW (and... neither was voice acting, for the record. BOTW/AOC is the only zelda with True Voice Acting xD)

BUT Majora’s Mask ticks a lot of your boxes. It’s probably the darkest Zelda game but there’s a lot of bittersweet to it? The synopsis is you’re basically trying to prevent the end of the world in this one specific town, and along the way you get to meet every single person in the town and learn about their entire lives. All the NPCs have stories, incredibly rich ones more often than not, and they all operate on set schedules. So there’s a 3 day, 24-hour cycle and you can mess with time, and you see them doing the same things in the same places at the same times, consistently. It’s really cool! 

It’ll grab at your heart but for me, someone who can’t really handle dark/depressing media, there was never a point in MM where I felt like the story was devoid of hope. Things seem very catastrophic and you run around wondering how you can stop something as big as the end of the world but the whole game just kinda feels like you’re laying in a bed with your loved one while bombs go off outside. I cannot explain the tone, but I think you’ll love it. Both the 3DS remake and the original N64 MM look really nice, but I think the N64 version has a bit of a leg up because the low-poly rendering makes the creepy bits of MM extra creepy in a way the 3DS doesn’t.

(This game is also a sequel to Ocarina of Time, but do know you literally do not need to know anything about OOT to play it. The game gives you everything pretty much immediately.)

If you like Link specifically I’d also say Skyward Sword would be a fun one for u!! It’s on the more Lighthearted side tone wise but it’s the game that gives Link the most personality. He’s intended to be a blank slate because the idea is to project yourself & your motivations onto him (they named him for this, he’s the link between the player and the world) but a few times they’ve veered away from that and decided to kinda give him his own feelings and thoughts. 

Skyward Sword is about the first Link ever really. Back in the timeline before a lot of Zelda Lore would come into play. And instead of living in this vast, sprawling kingdom, him & Zelda are just childhood besties about to graduate high school. The game literally opens up on their equivalent of, like, prom night sfdgfsghgf.

But what’s cool about Skyward Sword is that because Link has this incredibly emotional connection to Zelda right off the bat, he spends the game pretty much frothing at the mouth intent to protect & save her once the Plot kicks in. There’s never a scene in the game where you can’t see everything he’s feeling painted directly on his face, which is not actually that common for other Links! The chemistry between him and literally every other character really thrives because of this. While some people probably enjoyed the freedom to make their own interpretations of Link, in Skyward it’s really clear what his relationships with everyone are, and you get to learn what kind of person he really is much more easily than in, like BOTW where you have to go digging through diary entries to find out anything about him.

Skyward Sword, being the first chronological game in the timeline, also just has a lot of awesome lore for the franchise as a whole. Like you get to see where the master sword comes from!!!! its actual origin!!! and you get to learn about why Link and Zelda and Ganon keep getting reincarnated and living out this same battle in more or less different ways throughout the ages. You get to learn stuff you didn’t think even mattered, like why there’s a red bird on the Hylian shield, or why Link wears that stupid green outfit in other games. You get to learn wtf Zelda was talking about in BOTW when she talks about the sword “having a voice” and “speaking to her.” Lots of cute stuff to set the tone for the series.

my LAST recommendation is Twilight Princess but the conundrum here is I HAVE NEVER BEATEN THAT ONE because every time I try I just can’t get into it. but do not let my trepidation steer you away it is very much a Me Problem, TP is widely considered one of the best Zeldas of all time. It, like Majora’s Mask, is darker-toned, and from what I can tell has a Pretty Emotive Link as well who has a whole life in the tiny village he starts out in, so I think you’ll probably like that one too! I just cant do my long rambling about it dfghdfghfggf

ANYWAYS hopefully this helps. skyward sword & twilight princess have  pretty comprehensive “cutscene movies” but you really gotta watch an LP for Majora to get the full scope of the game. Majora is ALL about the sidequests. If you want reccs for who to watch I’m always gonna say Chuggaaconroy because the respect he gives to the games he plays & their tone is unparalleled & also he’s autistic so you know you’re getting infodumping about the lore at every fucking turn which I LIVE for. 

I am so happy you’re enjoying Zelda and hopefully this ask inspires you to dive in!!!! Remember there’s no wrong way to do it! These games are made to be accessible at any point haha. Keep me updated if u want, I’m super excited to learn what you discover!

#wendy rambles #Anonymous #wendy answers