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mknightgrant · 2 years

Text

Silence

Pairing(s): Steven Grant x Reader, implied Steven Grant/Marc Spector x Layla El-Faouly

Word count: 5.1K. Buckle up, folks.

Warning(s): Insecurities and heavy angst. I cried while thinking of the concept, and I’m hoping this does my idea justice. Set after the finale, so there are spoilers!

A/N: Hello! This is my first time writing a fic and posting it, so please be gentle! This piece is purely based on research and the events of the series. I am not a system, nor do I know anyone who is a system. If any part of this piece offends anyone, please let me know. No offense is intended.

This is also not completely beta-read, so the mistakes are on me.

Summary: You should’ve stopped asking questions.

Taglist: @s-v-e-l-t-e, @caroldanvours

Everyone had warned you about the rose-tinted glasses. Your friends, your family, hell, and even your old college professors used to tell stories about how love could be either the best or worst thing that you could ever experience. It was a risk to put your heart entirely into the hands of a stranger, giving them the liberty to do whatever they wanted to it. Love it, cradle it, protect it, sure—but also poke it, stab it, and break it to the point of no return.

But with Steven Grant? It was a risk you were definitely willing to take.

You had been friends with him for five months and had been dating for at least eight before he disappeared without a trace. You were confused, to say the least. In the year or so that you have known him, you never would have expected him to disappear and cut all ties with you. But still, you waited. You waited with the hope that maybe he’d come back home to you.

However, when Steven did return, he was conflicted. He honestly believed that you wouldn’t wait for him, especially since there was no effort on his part to try and contact you after his sudden disappearance. Nonetheless, he felt that he at least owed you an explanation, and his heart squeezed in his chest when you didn’t leave when he told you about everything.

He explained it from the start, his sleeping disorder, how he tried staying up because he had hyper-realistic dreams that scared the hell out of him. You already knew of this early on in the relationship, but then he continued the story, telling you about Marc, about Khonshu, and everything that had happened to him from the day he got fired from the museum to the day he came back home to you. You've noticed that he seemed happier now, probably because he understood why he had been losing days of his life, and he’s come to accept and love his alter despite everything.

But there was also another reason, wasn’t there?

Maybe it was your fault. You shouldn’t have asked too many questions. You should’ve just taken what he told you, accepted the anecdotes, and moved forward. You should’ve just been happy that he was here and safe. But you just had to ask, right?

“Who’s Layla?” Your innocent question stopped him dead in the middle of his sentence as the grin he donned slowly faded into a tight-lipped smile. One he had hoped would be a little more reassuring than nervous, and maybe, if he hadn’t taken so long to reply, you wouldn’t have been suspicious.

“A friend of Marc’s.” His reply was short and simple. “I… She was the one who came over that day, remember? When you dropped off that book you borrowed from me? Before I… Before I disappeared?”

Oh. Of course, you remember Layla–well, her physical attributes, at least. To say that she was gorgeous was an understatement. She was breathtaking, ethereal, and a goddess at the least. However, you hadn’t heard whatever they were talking about when you knocked on the apartment door that day because they stopped talking before Steven opened the door, enough for him to peek out at you.

Steven’s heart raced as he studied your reaction to his reply, trying to gauge whether or not you heard his and Layla’s conversation. Surely you hadn’t, right? You had no idea about the scarab before he told you about it when he had returned. So that would mean that you probably hadn’t heard the conversation, and you hadn’t seen the way he looked at her the way he once looked at you. You wouldn’t have waited this long for him if you had, right?

He hadn’t meant to fall for her, but he couldn’t help himself, could he? The second his arms instinctively wrapped around her waist when she drove a little faster towards his apartment, and he was hit with “I’m still your wife,” things changed. His mouth moved on its own accord that day as Layla handed him the divorce papers he–technically, Marc–had sent.

“I would never divorce you.”

Then everything came crashing down after that. Marc had warned him against showing Layla the scarab, but she got around to it anyway, so it was too late. Steven had begged for her help, trying to explain the whole situation, and the entire thing merely confused Layla even more.

“You really don't remember why we've been looking for this? Our adventures. Or our life together?”

“Oh, God, I wish I could.”

You had come knocking on the door only a few minutes later, a smile on your face as you held up his newer copy of Marceline Desbordes-Valmore’s book of poetry. “Steven! Hi! I finally got around to reading this, but I have to say that I don’t exactly ge-”

Your words were abruptly cut off when Steven dragged you into the apartment, shutting the door behind you. None of you were quite sure why he had done that, but now that he’s thinking about it, maybe Marc had been the reason for it all.

You hadn’t had enough time to properly introduce yourself to Layla, and likewise, because the moment your eyes lay upon her, you froze. Who was she?

The following events flew by too quickly for you to properly grasp at the time. The police knocking on the door, Steven gently urging you to hide, the police making accusations against him, then just silence.

By the time you believed that the coast was clear, they were gone. The police were gone. The woman was gone. Steven was gone. You had tried going around the area, searching through the different police stations for him, and you had even gone back to the museum to ask if they had changed their mind and were pressing charges. Sadly, nothing. He wasn’t at any of the police stations, nor did the museum change their minds. So you did the only thing you could do at the time. You waited.

You texted him, called him, and left voicemails for him. Hell, you even resorted to emailing him a couple of times, just to see if your messages would reach him. All your efforts were unanswered, and you truly had no idea of his whereabouts until he came back home to you.

Sure, you’d seen the news about the happenings in Cairo, but never in a million years would you have thought that your boyfriend was the one donning the white suit.

“Oh!” A smile graced your lips, having merely associated the name with the pretty girl who once stood in the apartment. “I remember her! She helped you guys out? That’s amazing!”

You were completely unaware that Steven left out an important detail: that Layla was his alter’s wife. In the short period that he had been gone and away from you, he had kissed her and had fallen in love with her too.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Days passed, and you had been invited to the apartment numerous times throughout the week, but you weren’t complaining. You missed Steven, quite frankly, you also wanted to know more about Marc. You had encountered him a couple times when he had been fronting, but your interactions never lasted too long. Steven was usually requested for control whenever you were around, but you were aware of his alter since Steven had explained that they recently learned how to become co-conscious. That didn’t mean that they knew every waking life of the other, but at least the blackouts and memory gaps have lessened considerably.

On random occasions, Steven would continue to tell you stories about what had taken place in Cairo. Some stories were repeats of what he had told you in previous days, while others were memories he had just remembered and wanted to tell you. Sometimes, he’d tell you his thoughts about the event or other questions he had, only to piece the answer together halfway through asking you.

It was the simple moments like these that made you happy, really. To have Steven beside you on the bed, rambling about anything that came to his mind. You didn’t mind when he would tell you a story he had already told you, and you definitely didn’t mind when he would go into the technicalities of the event.

Though, there was one thing you noticed to have become a recurring topic: Layla. He would bring her up unconsciously, really, or at least, that’s what you would want to believe. But as the days passed, her name frequented his lips more often, and it felt different. It was almost as if he asked you about her daily, bringing her up as if she was the only waking thought he had. If it weren’t for the accent, you would have honestly thought Marc was fronting. She was his friend first, right?

“Do you think she’s okay? I-I mean, Marc and I were Khonshu‘s avatar, and he was just downright manipulative.” He turned his head to glance at you, “Taweret… Taweret, on the other hand… we met in that afterlife I told you about, yeah? She seemed nice. Helped us escape the Duat and all that, but… I just can't help but wonder, you know? Do you think Taweret is treating her right?” His question remained unanswered as he turned his gaze back up to the ceiling of his apartment, his fingers intertwined and resting on the soft flesh of his stomach.

You were lying on your side as you looked at him, heart clenching in your chest as you studied the way his eyes shone under the moonlight. It took you a couple of seconds before you were able to bring yourself to nod slowly, swallowing the lump that you hadn’t noticed formed in your throat.

“I’m sure she’s doing alright, Steven. She does sound pretty badass, yeah? She’s saved you and Marc quite a lot, hasn’t she?” Your voice was small as you replied to him, a wave of insecurity wafting over you as things began clicking together in your brain.

“Yeah? Yeah. She did save us when she freed Khonshu! I swear, though, you should’ve seen her in her armor, love! She looked amazing. I don’t even think I was able to greet her properly, really. Could you believe that? Marc and I were conversing about it the other day, right? And…”

You toned out his words as you continued to observe the way his mouth moved, how his lips flicked up to a gentle smile as he talked about her, and how he continued to ramble on and on about her. Utterly oblivious to your thoughts, more so to your feelings. You’ve seen this kind of look before.

To be fair, you had been thinking about it for a while. You tried convincing yourself that she had just become a close friend that he began to care about. That he was just concerned about her well-being since she had agreed to become an avatar of an Egyptian goddess, and he nor Marc didn’t exactly have the best time as Khonshu’s avatar. However, the more you studied his words and actions, things became clearer and clearer. It wasn’t until a gentle call of your name snapped you out of your thoughts, causing your eyes to lock with Steven’s worried ones.

“You… Are you in love, Steven?” You dared to ask, causing silence to fill the room once again. A silence that lasted a couple moments as Steven furrowed his brows, and his hesitation in giving you an answer was already an answer itself.

The more he talked about her, the more you were able to analyze his reactions and facial expressions and damn yourself for having seen that look in the past. Damn yourself for recognizing it.

You’ve seen it in the way your father looked at your mother. You saw it in the way your best friend’s spouse looked at them on their wedding day. You recognized it because it was the same look he used to have when he would talk about you.

“What?” He asked, confusion filling his expressions as he shifted on the bed to bring all of his attention to you. “Of course, I’m in love, sweetheart. I’m in love with you.”

Normally, his expression of love would have you all shy and red in the cheeks, but that wasn’t the case this time. “It’s just…” you frowned, bringing your attention to the ceiling. Roles had been reversed at this point, with you on your back and Steven on his side, facing you. “I’ve seen this look of yours before, you know? It’s the look of a man who’s fallen in love…” your voice trailed off at the end, pursing your lips as you tried to get your emotions in check. The can of worms has been opened, right? There isn’t much of a way back from it now. “It’s the look you used to have for me.”

Steven frowned as well. “Used to have? Darling, I don’t know what you’re going on about?”

You chose to ignore his comment, another question leaving your lips before you could even process the thought.

“Who is she to you, Steven? Who is Layla to you?” There was a slight shake in your tone, “You.. You said she’s a friend of Marc, yeah? But who is she to you?”

His eyes softened at the question, pursing his lips in response. If he were to be honest with you, he didn’t know who she was to him at this point. Was he attracted to her? Had he actually fallen in love with her in that quick of a timeframe?

Steven had always prided himself in the fact that he didn’t fall in love too quickly. Sure, he had casual crushes from the museum and friend crushes around the town, but this was different–Layla was different.

His brain often short-circuited when he was around her, and he just couldn’t help but admire everything about her. Maybe it was their shared interest in hieroglyphics and astronomy, or maybe it was something about her beauty in general, or maybe something about her intelligence and the way she was always there. She understood him, and she fought for him too. However, there was one thing he was sure of–she was Marc’s wife, not just a friend like he made it out to be.

But deep down inside him, he knew that he had fallen for her. He technically did confirm it back in one of those tents in Cairo, didn’t he? When Marc interrogated him about being in love with his wife? He hadn’t verbally answered the question, but his actions were enough for Marc to know that he had. The kiss he shared with Layla was also enough for him to know that he had.

Steven’s lack of response broke your heart, to say the least. The lack of a verbal response already served as the answer you hoped you wouldn’t have to receive from him.

The silence between you two didn’t last as long as you thought it would, having a sigh leave his lips as he brought his arm over his eyes.

“I-I don’t know.”

His words brought your attention to him once more, seeing his body tense up as he gulped. You should have played it off and moved on by this point, right? But you couldn’t. Not when his body language told you more than enough. You sensed the truth in his statement; you’d give him that. But at the same time, you also felt the conflict that was arising within him, and you knew that was because of you.

It definitely did not help your thoughts when he sniffled. Perhaps you were missing the bigger picture? Fuck. Maybe you overreacted? Had you offended him?

“Shit. Wait, lovie–I’m sorry. We can drop it, yeah?” You offered, sitting up abruptly and moving closer to him so you could lift his arm from his face, your heart breaking at the sight of tears rimming at the corners of his eyes. “I just… You were gone for so long and since you came back, you’d always just bring her up and I was just curious.”

Steven sat up as well, and your hand moved to cup his cheek, causing him to lean in against your touch. “That’s all. But I believe you, okay, lovie? I didn’t mean to offend you. I’m sorry..”

The thing is, you and Steven barely got into misunderstandings, and on the rare occasion that you did, whoever was in the wrong would apologize with a kiss. So that’s exactly what you intended to do. You moved closer and leaned in to press your lips to his, only for him to pull his head back slightly in hesitation–another event you weren’t prepared for.

Swallowing back a sob, his eyes bore into your saddened ones. Guilt overcame his features almost immediately at the sight. You at least deserved the truth, right?

“I… She isn’t… She isn’t just Marc’s friend.” He whispered, bringing his hand to cup your own when he felt your touch falter slightly.

You felt as if you already knew where this conversation was headed, based solely on how he was basically tiptoeing around you, but you desperately wished you were wrong. “I… Is there something else you’d like me to know, Steven?”

“Layla… She’s Marc’s wife, darling.”

Nothing could have prepared you for that. You would have at least thought that she was Marc’s girlfriend or something along those lines, but you never would have thought that the alter of the man you were dating was married.

“She’s…” your voice trailed off as your hand slowly dropped from his cheek, causing him to move quickly to take your hands back in his. “He… You knew about this? When did she tell you? Or when did Marc tell you?”

“She told me the day that we met… Marc wanted to get a divorce because Khonshu wanted to have her as his next avatar, but Marc never signed the papers.” He quickly explained, tilting his head slightly so he could meet your eyes when you shifted your attention to your hands in his. “She tried giving me the papers that day but I couldn’t sign them–”

That sentence alone made your eyes shoot up, locking with his. “You couldn’t sign them?” you breathed, eyebrows furrowed as you tried to grasp the information that was being handed to you. Shaking your head as your heart pounded against your chest, you continued, “You… You knew that she was Marc’s wife from the first day, yet you lied to me?”

He looked down at your hands, which he still held in his, as a response, his thumb moving in circles in an attempt to soothe you, as if it would do much.

You honestly did not have the energy to be mad at him. Technically speaking, he hadn’t done anything wrong either. Your relationship did not have a title, and while you were definitely past the ‘I love you’ stage, he wasn’t your boyfriend. Based on your knowledge, you don’t have high hopes that he will ever be either.

“You should have just told me. Hell, even just… not saying anything as a response would have sufficed as an answer.” Was all you could bring yourself to say after a couple moments of not saying anything to one another. Your words were leaving your mouth slowly as if articulating every single word you were about to say. “Lying… Lying isn’t better than silence, Steven. I-I would have understood… I mean, it was coming, wasn’t it?”

His head shot up at that, and his gaze met with yours once more. “Wha-”

It was your turn to cut him off. “Do you love her, Steven?” You asked once more, a small smile gracing your lips. If he hadn’t known you as well as he did, he would’ve been convinced that you were okay, but he knew better than that.

You were convinced that you would be met with another round of silence, but you were mistaken.

“I-I think I do…?” He mumbled softly, gritting his teeth as he shook his head. You weren’t quite sure what his head shake was in response to, but you couldn’t exactly bring yourself to even process the action. “I don’t know, I can’t–You’re my first love, darling, I swear–”

His words turned into incoherent mumbles as he desperately tried to find the words to explain himself. To explain his feelings in a way that would hurt you in the least brutal way possible, but no matter how he chooses to explain it, his words are bound to hurt.

“I may be your first, but that’s all I’ll ever be, yeah?” Your voice was almost as soft as a whisper as you gave his hands a gentle squeeze. “And it doesn’t matter though, does it, Steven? It doesn’t matter if I'm your first, I-I’ll never be your last. I’ll never be your only.” Maybe you were rambling at this point, but everything was crashing down around you. The man you had been waiting on, the relationship you were clinging on to, and everything you have come to love was slipping through your fingers so quickly. To make things worse, your acceptance of it all merely serves as the catalyst to the inevitable end.

“I’m never going to make you choose, lovie… You know that, right?” A tear found its way down your cheek as you brought his hand to your lips to give it a gentle, lingering kiss. “It’s okay, Steven.”

He felt unworthy of you, to say the least. You deserved so much more than a man who leaves without a trace and whose loyalty did not fully reside with you. The memory of the kiss he shared with Layla plagues his mind, and the confession burns in his throat as he wonders if it's even worth it to tell you–to break your heart more than he already has.

“I’ve always considered myself lucky to have you, you know? It just… our whole relationship felt so good. Too good, actually.” You smiled sadly, tears brimming the corners of your eyes as you forced yourself to look at the man you love. The one you allowed yourself to fall for so recklessly with the hope that maybe, just maybe, he would love you back, even if just half as much as you did him. “She made–no, she makes you happy, doesn’t she? She kept you safe and fought for you. She saved you, and I just…”

Steven’s eyes shut tightly at your words, shaking his head rapidly as he desperately tried to think of the words to say to you. “It wasn’t on you, darling… Please don’t blame yourself for this.”

His response was typical, but you couldn’t blame him. “I don’t blame anyone for this, Steven, okay?” Your tone was free from any malice or bitterness, but the sadness that laced your words was still quite evident. “I could never hate anyone who makes you feel safe and happy, you know that. The only thing I ever wanted was for you to be happy, Steven, and if she makes you happier than I ever could, then….”

“No.” The fact that you couldn’t even bring yourself to finish that sentence broke him. His head continued to shake as if to convince himself that this isn’t happening to him, that you weren’t actually considering leaving him. He is well aware that you deserve better, but could anyone blame him for being selfish? After everything he’s been through? And after everyone he’s lost? “Why does it sound like you’re saying goodbye?”

Your hand reaches up to cup his cheek once more, your thumb gently grazing his skin as your eyes drink up the sight of him. Memorizing him. Every single bump and wrinkle. Every single self-acclaimed imperfection, in Steven's opinion. Every single thing that made him Steven and made you love him even more. “I love you, Steven Grant. I love every single bit of you, and I hope you never forget that.”

Your insecurities were getting the best of you. How could they not? The woman he had fallen for was here in the room with you that fateful day and had followed him somehow. Helped him. Protected him. She had everything you didn’t–bravery, strength, the brain, the beauty. And to top it all off? She had him, whether she was aware of that fact or not, she had won Steven’s heart, probably the same way she had won Marc’s. How could you ever compete with that?

You laid a gentle kiss on the tip of his nose, and his eyes fluttered shut at the sensation. He was too engrossed in his thoughts to realize that you stood up, collecting the things that you had brought over for the day. He’s brought back to his senses when he hears you sniffle, and he genuinely wishes he could just take you back in his arms and make you forget that he hurt you. But he doesn’t deserve that, does he?

Instead, he chooses to repeat his question as he gets off the bed and walks over to you. “Why do you sound like you’re saying goodbye?” He asks once more, dejection and defeat clouding his senses. His hands move to wrap around your waist, pulling you close to him in a tight hug, not wanting to let you go. He knows he doesn’t deserve you, but at the same time, he still doesn’t want to lose you.

You hadn’t made him choose between you and Layla because you made that choice for him, and you were letting him go. But he didn’t want that. He didn’t want to lose you, and at the same time, he didn’t want to lose Layla.

Your arms wrapped around him, holding him like a lifeline-your lifeline. A slow nod from you caused his grip on your figure to tighten as he felt your movement, a new wave of tears accompanying the gesture. “Could you do something for me, Steven?”

There were so many questions taking over your thoughts at the moment:

Why couldn’t you be good enough? How were you going to move on? Why were you stupid enough to think that this would last forever? When did he fall out of love with you?

Instead, you chose something else. A question that hurt him more than it hurt you. “Tell me more about her. Just so I know that I’m leaving you with someone who could love you as much as I could.”

His grip tightened even more at your request. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bring himself to tell you more about her, even if he had talked about her too many times in the past couple of days. He couldn’t do it because he knew that this was your way of seeing how you could have been better for him, where you lacked in your relationship. But the thing is, you never lacked in any aspect–you were perfect, and he doesn’t deserve you.

A shake of his head was the only response he could give you, causing you to sigh as you gently pulled away from his grasp. It didn’t work though, since his arms were still firmly planted around your waist, but you were pulled apart enough for you to see his face.

Cupping his cheek once more, you leaned your forehead against his. “Kiss me? Just… Just one last time, Steven. Please.”

And he did. He pressed his lips against yours in a kiss that would be engraved in your memory forever. A kiss that captured feelings of love, regret, selfishness, and sorrow. A kiss that would be the last of the memories you would share with him in thirteen months you had known each other. A kiss that would ultimately be your last with the man you have grown to love despite the hardships and heartbreak that came with being with him. You never would’ve thought that you and Steven would have your last kiss like this.

“How lucky am I to have someone that makes saying goodbye so hard?” You forced out a laugh, tears streaming down your cheeks as you rested your forehead against his once more. A sad smile graced your lips as your thumb gently wipes away the tears that have made it down his own cheeks. “I love you, and I'm just really grateful that I had you. Even if just for that couple of months that I did.”

Steven’s eyes drank you up the same way you had earlier, memorizing your features and everything about you. He just hates how the last memory he would have of you would be like this–with your heart broken because of him.

“Is it selfish if I ask you to stay?” He asked, his voice softer than it usually was when he was with you. And for fucks sake, you almost do, but you can’t.

“Oh, God, I wish I could.”

The line jogs his memory, causing his eyes to clench shut. His tears were freely streaming down his face at this point, and he knew he looked like a mess, but he didn’t care.

“You were good to me, Steven Grant. Thank you.” You couldn’t find the words to say as you pressed your lips against his nose once more. “Thank you, lovie. For letting me love you the way I did.”

“Please don’t say goodbye.” A broken sob wrecks his lips as tries to convince you to stay, but he knew there was nothing he could do to make that happen. “I-I can’t lose you. Please. You promised.” It was selfish for him to pull this card on you, but believe it or not, he does love you. “You promised…”

Nonetheless, you nod slowly. If he doesn’t want to hear the goodbye, he doesn’t have to. But it doesn’t mean that this wasn’t the last time you would see him. He knows this.

“I’ll see you later then, yeah? When we meet again?”

He was shaking uncontrollably now, but he had to let you go the same way you were letting him go. Had roles been reversed, he would’ve done the same for you.

All he could muster was a nod as he forced himself to release you from his hold. He honestly hated how things went south so quickly, but he was to blame for that, wasn’t he?

He has to let you go.

“Laters, gators.”

A gentle kiss on the back of his hand, and a squeeze of reassurance were the last things he remembered before the door of his apartment shut behind you.

Steven was left in the same way you were when he had disappeared that night.

In silence.

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kingdom-by-the-sea · 1 year

Text

The Not Valentine’s Date

Summary- Mutual pining, an office bet, and baby sitting make for an interesting Valentine’s Day between Spencer and Hotch’s daughter.

Warnings- fluffy fluff

Pairing- Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader Hotch’s daughter

Word Count- 2.7k

A/N- This is something I randomly wrote last year after Valentine’s Day but didn’t post cause I felt like I had missed my window. Who knows maybe I’ll write something later this week that I’ll post in a year.

—————-

“Eww,” Emily complained, scrunching up her face in disgust, “Please tell me that none of those lines actually work on real life girls. I don’t understand why guys had to start going around saying stuff like that and ruin Valentine’s day for the rest of us.”

”Woah,” Prentiss stopped Reid mid-explaining, “You are not actually referring to that,” she gestured vaguely in Morgan’s direction, “as poetry.”

Spencer scrunched his face in consideration, “Not in the traditional sense, I suppose. However, in my opinion, some of the best lines of poetry about love have nothing to do with Valentine’s day so using it as the standard might not properly reflect what you’re looking for.”

“Oh really,” Morgan questioned, “And what exactly would you use to woo the ladies on the fourteenth?”

Reid considered the question seriously his fingers tapping to some indiscernible beat as he thought, “‘We loved with a love that was more than love.’”

“What?” Morgan’s reaction was quick and it seemed that everyone else in the group mirrored his sentiment, “Hate to break it to you, pretty boy, but no girl you mention that to is going to have a clue-”

“You quote a man who married his thirteen year-old cousin on love?” Y/N asked suddenly, drawing everyone’s attention.

“They really are a match made in heaven…” Prentiss muttered only loud enough for Morgan to hear, who responded with a chuckle.

Reid’s face darkened several shades of red, “I just mean-”

“It’s fine,” Y/N let out a small laugh, “I’m just teasing. Annabel Lee’s probably my favorite poem. Just sucks that most of the romanticism poets were… just really weird.”

Spencer regained his composure and released an unexpected laugh, “Yeah.”

“Anyone want more coffee, I’m going to get another cup,” Y/N stood and left for the kitchenette after finding there weren’t any takers.

“So close and yet… so far,” Prentiss said once Y/N was out of earshot.

“Seriously, man,” Morgan started, “Just ask her to go to dinner or something already.”

Reid rolled his eyes, “Is this about your bet pool thing again?”

“Not anymore,” Morgan said, “I’ve been out since last month. Somehow I thought New Years would do the trick.”

Prentiss laughed, “You’re doing way better than me. I really thought the hormones would outweigh this nerdy stupidity,” she gestured at Reid’s face, “and said Halloween.”

“Halloween?!” Reid squeaked out before lowering his voice significantly, “There is no way you thought Y/N and I would get together by Halloween of last year.”

The two agents dutifully ignored him and Morgan continued, “Who’s even left at this point? I know Rossi chose St. Patrick’s day for whatever reason.”

“And Hotch said Valentine’s,” Prentiss finished and any air of concern left Reid’s face.

“Well now I know you’re making this up,” he turned back to his work, “There is no way Hotch would bet on his daughter’s love life.”

Prentiss tsked, “Your future father-in-law is going to be very disappointed if you miss this benchmark.”

“Seriously though,” Morgan started again, “Just ask her to hang out. Don’t even call it a date.”

“We hang out all the time though…” Spencer whispered, fiddling with his tie.

“Then it shouldn’t be that big of a deal,” Morgan patted him on the shoulder, “Go get her, lover boy.”

Reluctantly, Reid rose from his seat and made his way to the kitchenette. Y/N was busy filling up her mug with the right amount of sugar- that is as much as can fit in the cup- but smiled when she noticed him.

“Did you change your mind? I can grab another mug.”

“What? Oh- no, I’m good,” he glanced over at her searching for the right words, “I was just wondering if you maybe wanted to hang out on Monday…?”

Y/N’s face lit up at the thought before she scrunched up her nose, “I’d love to but I can’t. I’m actually watching Jack so my dad can go out but maybe this weekend?”

She returned to stirring her coffee not noticing the third person entering the vicinity.

“Or Reid could come over and help you with Jack?” Hotch said, forcing them both to turn suddenly in his direction.

“Oh no,” Y/N began, “You don’t have to do that. I wouldn’t want you to waste your Valentine’s Day.”

“No, no. That sounds great,” Spencer smiled at her and her heart seemed to warm as she mirrored his reaction, “Send me the times over the weekend.”

With that Reid walked back to his desk in semi-victory.

“Did Reid just ask you to hangout with him on Valentine’s Day?” Hotch asked with a mock accusatory glance.

“Yeah,” Y/N said absentmindedly, “I mean no- I mean he did but it's not like that. We are just two single adults who enjoy each other’s company and not having to feel lonely on a day devoted to love.”

“Y/N, what exactly do you call it when two single adults meet up on Valentine’s Day to ‘enjoy each other’s company?’” he could barely manage to suppress the smile growing on his face at the teasing.

Her face turned pink, “I’m not sure- but apparently you call it babysitting.”

~~~

As the evening waned on, Y/N was more and more glad for Spencer’s company. Outside of simply enjoying his presence, it helped to have a second person there to reign in some of Jack’s more energetic behavior. However, her appreciation wasn’t enough to keep her from noticing how her heartstrings tugged seeing the way Jack and Spencer both lit each other up with excitement. Spencer was beyond engaging and Y/N finally understood why Henry always seemed to immediately latch onto Spencer at BAU gatherings. It was intoxicating to watch them together and Y/N easily could have lost herself in the moment if it weren’t for the screaming six-year-old running around the house constantly threatening to knock things over. Luckily for Reid, Y/N, and their respective sanities, this level of energy wasn’t sustainable and an eventual crash was inevitable.

He nodded lazily in response, “Can we watch Encanto?” for a brief moment the sparks returned behind his eyes as he mentioned what was quickly becoming his new favorite movie.

“Sure,” Y/N said with a small laugh. This would have to be close to the twentieth time she had seen the movie but for Jack’s sake, it was all worth it.

Jack headed for the stairs and Spencer was quick to follow after him.

“I’ll help him get ready for bed,” he explained, noticing what was apparently a rather obvious expression of confusion and the slight tilt of her head, “You could set up the movie?”

Having your heart flutter this much had to be medically concerning, but there was nothing Y/N could do to stop it as she watched her best friend take her brother’s small hand.

“Okay,” she whispered and was met with a smile that sent her straight back into heart-fluttering territory. No matter how long she knew Spencer, he never stopped surprising her. Considering the effort and detail he put into every other aspect of his life, it shouldn’t have been a surprise that he would be so attentive with her brother. And yet he still managed to strengthen his hold on her heart with every little action that came as some unexpected surprise to her. In truth, she suspected it was a precautionary measure, if she truly let herself recognize how kind and wonderful Spencer was, she’d be done for in an instant.

All the precautions in the world couldn’t have stopped the back of her mind from spinning stories about him though. Spencer was too gentle and pure to keep the less hardened parts of her soul from imagining what it all could be like if she could indulge if she could step over the line she had drawn in the sand for herself.

Upstairs, it seemed Jack had stumbled upon a small reservoir of energy, taking the time to show Spencer his favorite toys and stuffed animals while Spencer attempted to offer him various pajama set options. Eventually, Jack settled on the set covered with small dogs.

Spencer didn’t mind the push and pull Jack, or other children gave him. There was something so strangely fascinating to him about a mind so free from insecurity and a child’s willingness to simply say what was on their mind. Despite his extensive memory, he couldn’t remember a time he truly felt like that and hoped it was merely a result of the fog around his earliest memories. Every decision he made was coated in consideration and accounted for every possible result. He couldn’t help but wish that his hypervigilance would let up from time to time and leave him free to explore the thoughts, and emotions, that remained.

“You work with my sister,” Jack offered up less as a question and more as a statement.

“Yes, I do,” Spencer responded to the not question.

The boy’s head bobbed in as much seriousness as a six-year-old could muster, “Can you still be friends with someone if you work with them?”

Spencer watched as he stepped away from him and began absentmindedly examining the toys around his room.

“Of course,” Spencer answered, not sure where this line of question was headed, “Your sister and I are very good friends then.”

Jack’s attention swiftly returned to Spencer, “So you like her then?”

“I do like her. She’s smart and cool,” Spencer narrowed his eyes slightly on the boy, “Just like you.”

Jack came closer to him and in what he seemed to think was a hushed voice said, “Did you know that sometimes when people really like they get married…?”

“And then….” he scrunched up his face and whispered, “They make a baby.”

Spencer’s mouth fell open and his eyes widened in what Jack considered to be genuine surprise.

“I know, right?” Jack stepped away and began picking up a blanket and stuffed animal to take downstairs with him, without looking up he added, “Do you think you and Y/N will get married?”

Spencer’s mind went completely blank. None of the dozens of courses he had taken over the years would provide him with any sort of answer that would satisfy Jack. Part of him wanted to say yes and not give any of it another thought but reason quickly squashed that idea. And yet…

And yet he couldn’t bring himself to say no either. It was far too permanent and left no room for the small bead of hope he hid away in the back of his mind.

“Maybe…” he answered finally, “I don’t really know though…”

Jack pulled the blanket and toy behind him and giggled, “I hope you do!”

Spencer’s stomach did a somersault and he scooped the small boy and his blanket up into his arms before he could notice the strange smile emerging on his face. I do too.

~~~

“I swear that kid is pure energy,” Y/N said, shutting the door behind them and stepping out into the cool night with Spencer.

Y/N pointed a somewhat accusatory finger at him, “And don’t say something like ‘technically we are all energy since we’re made of mass.’’

He rolled his eyes at her with a smile, “I was going to say that while he may have been more energetic than I expected- I had fun hanging out with you guys.”

She couldn’t help the smile that immediately bubbled up to the surface of her lips, “I had fun too. I’m glad I didn’t completely waste your Valentine’s day.”

“Never,” he whispered just loud enough for her to hear.

“Well, I guess I’ll see you on Monday,” Y/N said when they reached the end of the driveway where Spencer’s car was parked.

His eyes narrowed slightly on her, “What are you doing? How are you getting back to your apartment?”

“Oh I have an uber coming in a little bit. I”m just going to wait here until they get here.”

“You want me to leave you here on the side of the road and drive away?” he questioned.

“No,” Y/N corrected, “I want you to leave me at the end of my dad’s driveway.”

“I’m not leaving you here,” Spencer said definitively, “I’ll drive you or we could go back to my apartment and watch awful romcoms and start working on the mound of candy Rossi and Garcia got us.”

She blinked at him, “Really?”

“Yeah,” his movement suddenly became awkward and choppy, “I mean you obviously don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“No, no,” Y/N smiled, “I’m just surprised. You spent the past five hours with me and my hyperactive brother and you want to hang out more?”

“I always want to spend time with you,” he said shyly.

“Sometimes I just forget that you’re you, Spence,” Y/N shook her head slightly and took a step closer to him.

“I hope that’s not a bad thing,” his eyes were slightly wider than usual.

“No, not at all. It’s the best thing actually,” Y/N smiled up at him, “And just so you know, I’d gladly spend every moment of every day with you.”

He looked down at her, not able to suppress the smile growing on his face.

“You know,” Spencer said, clearing his throat slightly, “Jack said something to me earlier and I didn’t know how to respond to him.”

“Oh gosh…” her voice faded into a slight chuckle.

“He was asking me all these questions about you. Like if we were friends and if I thought you were nice,” Spencer watched as Y/N glanced up at him, “I said yes to both of those… but then- then he asked if we were going to get married.”

Y/N’s lips let out a silent “oh.”

She blinked and glanced down at the ground momentarily, “What did you tell him?”

He scratched absently at the side of his head, “Well I wasn’t sure what to say so I told him maybe?”

Y/N’s face broke into a smile and near laugh, “You told him ‘maybe?’”

“I’m sorry I just didn’t know what to say. You’re not mad, are you?”

“No, no,” she let out the rest of the laugh, “I just think we should go on a date before you start promising these kinds of things to my brother.”

Spencer blinked and swallowed before looking down at the ground, “Would you have said yes if I asked you out?”

“Yeah,” a soft smile settled on her lips, “I mean of course. Don’t tell Jack but you’re kind of my favorite person in the world.”

“Really?” his eyes settled on hers.

“What? Did you think I’d say no?” Y/N asked with genuine concern.

“I don’t know I just thought that it would make things difficult since we work together and-”

“Spence, hey, hey, stop it!” she said with a slight laugh.

A beat passed where she just looked at him.

“What are you doing?” he whispered.

Y/N smiled, “I just want to remember the moment right before I kiss you.”

Spencer’s eyes widened slightly.

“Is that okay?”

He nodded not sure if she was referring to the moment or the kiss but it didn’t matter either way. She smiled up at him again, looking into his eyes and her hands moved up till they met behind his neck. After inhaling slightly, Y/N perched on her toes and gently pulled Spencer’s face down until their lips met each other.

#spencer reid smut #criminal minds imagine #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid request #spencer reid self insert #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid x you #comfort fic #criminal minds smut #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid imagines

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noahsbsf · 24 days

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Ok, so I’m going to finally post this but here’s alenoah the COMPLETE essay: I’m just gonna be talking abt why these two should’ve been canon and showing you my evidence lol. (This is gonna be long so if you’re willing to read this ily)

First of All:

The aleheather plot did not make sense. This is a good ship, I’m not saying it’s bad. But, the volcano scene kinda made it weird. Imagine your confessing to the “love of your life” but then they make you infertile, kick you down a volcano, and are the reason you’re in a robot suit/ traumatized. (Oh but Heather did what she had to do!) LOOK, I’m not saying she didn’t serve in that scene, I’m saying that the fact he was able to brush it off like it was nothing? It just isn’t realistic. Even if he is MADLY in love with her. But then they sacrifice Noah and don’t do anything with him and his unfinished rivalry with Alejandro??

Also I just want to mention the fact that these two would NOT work out after total drama. According to Marco Grazzini (Alejandro’s voice actor, TDWT):

Which I do agree with 😭 I do think that a relationship with 1 narcissist can work (let’s face it, one person in a relationship is more narcissistic than the other. Or not idk.) But if two people are the narcissists in the relationship, it can eventually lead to a break up. Now, you might be wondering why I’m talking about aleheather (understandable). I just wanted to make it clear that I don’t want the aleheather shippers attacking me and how they just don’t really make sense to me as well. And also I don’t want people saying “BUT ALEHEATHER IS SUP-“ stop. (But wait! Shouldn’t you talk about Nemma then?) I’ll get there dw.

Second of All:

Alejandro and Noah had SO MANY weird interactions. No joke. I know a lot of people like to say they didn’t, but trust me, they did. And here’s some proof:

THIS IS NOT A NORMAL LOOK PEOPLE. Honestly, that look on Noah’s face kind of reminds me of som..oh right that’s the exact way he looks at Emma (AKA HIS CANON GIRLFRIEND) this entire interaction was out of nowhere. (Oh but what about the fact that this scene is probably showing how shady Alejandro is) well, every single time a scene like this happens with any other character, we usually get a confessional of Alejandro trash talking them. But did we get that confessional for this scene? In fact, did Alejandro ever directly talk about Noah? NO. NOT EVEN ONCE. Even during London, Alejandro never said one single thing bad about him.

OK SHORT ONE:

The fact that Alejandro mocked Lindsay with NOAH. Alejandro throughout this show has had a fake persona, but then this little comment kind of proved that Alejandro can be himself around Noah. They’re kind of like the same person after all. (I mean that in a “judgy” sense.)

I also want to point out that every challenge (except for London) and every occasion, these two are always next to each other. ALWAYS. They’re always close, they’re always giving each other looks, and tbh it makes so much sense. These two are really the only “sane” ones on team Chris. (Sami, are you SURE they’re always giving each other weird looks?Like-) Child here’s the lil collection:

London 🇬🇧 ☕️:

London was probably the most scripted episode EVER. The entire plot for Alejandro and Noah was so bad, it came out of nowhere. (But Sami, Noah didn’t trust Alejandro in ep 7! Don’t you remember?) ofc I remember Susie. It’s just, after ep 7, nothing was done. Like Noah hates Alejandro. That’s it. Then he bad mouths him in ep 13, Noah’s voted out. A lot more could’ve been done but the writers kill off Noah so more drama can start. After all, Noah’s just a side character, right?

THIS. LOOK.

This exact look is hurt. Pain. And any other dramatic thing I can think of. This entire scene just shows how much he trusted him. It’s like, when someone you truly care about, who you trust, backstabs you. They TRULY had something. (But Sami-) Before you even say “he was probably acting” lemme just show you something:

Right when Noah was abt to jump out the plane, he had a shocked look on his face, then realizes the cameras are on him, and quickly changes into a smirk. HE. WAS. NOT. ACTING. He was HURT. And the wasted potential for the rivalry they could’ve had also hurts. But of course, since this was 2010, there wasn’t any lgbtq couples allowed on CN at all ☹️.

FINALLY:

As much as I do love this ship I think that these two will never see the light of day. (Scratch that, they’re def never seeing the light of day.) These two are both in canon relationships, one of which I actually love! #multishipper. Nemma honestly doesn’t have any flaws and there’s really no reason to destroy a pretty sweet relationship. However, during TDWT I’d like to argue the fact that if CN wasn’t homophobic at the time and neither was fresh tv, then these two would’ve definitely been something. It was like fresh tv was trying to give us clues lol. And if the TD writers would’ve let Alejandro and Noah have a rivalry, then there would’ve been a lot more evidence of why these two should be canon.

Welp, there you go. There’s my entire essay. If you disagree with something or have anything to add you can comment down below! But keep in mind this took 2.5 hours soo…

#total drama #fypシ゚viral #td alejandro #idk how to tag this #alenoah #td noah #personal essay #im not okay #tdwt #please help #lol #love these two #make them canon #fypppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppppp #tumblr fyp #fypage #this took way too long

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caffeiiine · 4 months

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I read the tags on your Kunikida post… go ahead and explain, my liege

JUST SAW THIS SOMEHOW ABYWAYS TYYY

OKAY so probably going into detail about how kunikida can be considered passively suicidal since i have the most coherent thoughts on that aand warnings for stuff of that nature under the cut :D + length

[also small disclaimer, i have been procrastinating reading dazais entrance exam and so far have only seen the anime adaptation which apparently left a ton of stuff out so feel free to correct me on inaccurate details and/or missed examples or just downright incorrect information]

[note: idk if passive is the correct term bc i was thinking about it and hes not exactly like oh i hope this kills me yk, so whatever that term is lmk <3]

This stuff also sorta ties in with his ideals and their potential self destructive-ness. they tend to cause him to either negligently often risk his life with there being an apparent “other way”, or just outright risk his life with barely a second thought for his ideals.

so kunikida has very strong morals and that’s the core of his character. the main ideals referenced in the show being his infamous “ideal woman”, “how to make dazai ideal”, and the ideal that basically tells him to save people. [i forgot what that one is referred to as]. If we’re talking timeline wise i think one of the first examples of his ideals causing him to negligently risk his life would be in Dazais Entrance Exam, or The Azure Messenger arc if you’re an anime watcher.

First example off the top of my head in dazais entrance exam would be when him and Dazai first see the hostages, specifically the ones in the room

after the gas came down dazai has to actually wrestle kunikida away from the room because otherwise hes gonna die. kunikida repeatedly shouts about how “people shouldn’t die like this”. This might be a bit of a tangent but later on in the episode he remarks how he “may as well ahev set the bomb off himself” when Dazai asks about Rokuzou’s dad, implying he blames himself for Rokuzou’s dad’s death. This is of itself isn’t enough for me to say “oh yeah he’s passively suicidal” so moving on to the main manga where there are several other instances of his tendencies to throw himself directly in harms way.

[there may be examples before this i just skipped to chapter 40] and starting off strong we have the thing with Aya. This could be written up to circumstance but he had the opportunity to avoid death himself so im counting it. he’s basically hugging death. that’s all i have to say for this.

of course he ends up surviving it because of deus ex machina yosano. After the fact, Aya asks him what he would’ve done if Yosano wasn’t there. To which he replies basically he would’ve done the same thing he just did except died and basically would have been fine with the outcome as long as she didn’t die in front of him. [he would’ve been dead as well and not had to deal with the guilt] i should point out as well, he does this because of his ideals. he specifically cites his ideals around these parts usually. The not letting anybody die before his eyes is one of ideals and the most common one he uses.

[im pulling that from the fact he had no backup plans or anything to actually stop the bomb aside from Yosano, since his words could imply he would’ve tried to save Aya. and the guy with the bombs was using the fact Kunikida holds his ideals very close to him, taht he wouldn’t have allowed Aya to die if he could’ve prevented it.]

aaand i think our last example and best example for tonight

context for the scene: they’re in the getaway helicopter and tecchou is trying to take it down via his sword and Kunikida decides to take matters into his own hands and take down Tecchou. First off, HE DID NOT HAVE TO, CHUUYA IS RIGHT. THERE. HE LITERALLY SHOT TECCHOU WITH GRAVITY BULLETS EARLIER.

HE DID NOT HAVE TO RISK HIMSELF BUT HE DID. also additional context, in this arc and the previous arcs, he’s been faced with situation after situation where his ideals have failed him and he’s been unable to exercise them and save the people he thinks he should.

point being, he feels like complete shit! he probably is thinking like if he should do anything then, it should be he makes sure he gets his friends out of there. regardless of whether he’s dead or alive because he jumps out of the plane and full body tackles tecchou while being in direct contact with fucking chuuya.

chuuya “has to stay out of the fights and arcs half the time because he’s too good at his job” nakahara.

chuuya “just shot tecchou and did a decent job at keeping him back a few pages before” nakahara. you see my point.

oh and then he just attempts to blow the both of them up.

he does not care for his life at all here. not one bit. also he did not need to blow the both of them up. he could’ve made a fucking stun gun or anything else that wouldn’t KILL the BOTH of them??

my whole point is he does not care for his life here and it’s gets worse the more you progress through the manga.

anyways anyways ending off, kunikida repeatedly puts his life in danger either for his ideals or neglectfully and/or without need. this has been a ramble. this man is not okay.

also kinda funny is he’s partners with dazai of all people, actively suicidal princess bungou himself. i really enjoy their differences and how similarly different they are.

^ not actually related to anything but i almost started laughing so hard with my family in the room at this piece, junichiro looks so concerned

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lucyandthepen · 9 months

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last eden - i . | lmh

part i, ii, iii

only one thing has ever mattered to you, in this lifetime, and in all others : mark lee — even if he doesn't know yet, and even if he may never remember.

pairing: mark x reader verse: canon/idol!verse, soulmates trope rating: T warnings: none, possibly some mild language, like... one very tame mention of making love ig word count: 4.3k

A/N: yeah i have a lot of these fics that i'm repurposing that i desperately want to post so i can continue them so please look the other way at my random over enthusiasm i beg !! my only long-standing mark fic is actually gorgeous, and while we do love a good raunchy piece, i love mark way too much to keep it to just that. this was my first ever fic on my old blog, and i'm quite attached to the idea despite the fact that it's actually very difficult for me to write. i changed the name because i actually love this song by maktub (anything he puts out is gold to me), which i think generally fits the vibe of the story, so give it a listen if you're interested! so i hope you all enjoy this idol!verse soulmates fic! (help a gal out by reblogging, liking, and leaving a few kind words if you're so inclined!)

“This isn’t really your best idea.”

You know this. You’re fully aware of the possible and endless risks as well as the minimal benefits. But you have to go. The thing that Heehyeon, your roommate, doesn’t fully understand is that this could be your one and only shot, and it could mean life or death. And you know that sounds pretty dramatic, but it really is. you don’t really have all the details (when, where, how, the important stuff) but that doesn’t matter to you right now.

What really matters is that today is NCT’s comeback stage at M! Countdown, and you have to be there.

Unfortunately, this isn’t one of those things you have to go to because your a die-hard fan and you just have to support the group and do all those fan chants and lie to your mom about going to the library when you’re really staying over outside a company building for hours just to wave those silly, expensive light sticks that look like they came out of the factory a bit funny. Sure, NCT’s music was nice (enough), but that isn’t really the reason why you told your mom not to come over this weekend because you would be out on a company team building retreat (as if they actually do that). More than anything, you knew you had to take this chance to see him.

When you don’t respond, Heehyeon presses on with a firmer tone, as if she’s determined to convince you even though you both know nothing is really going to stop you at this point.

“Listen to me, _____________. You are going to a tightly-packed music show with at least a hundred other fans, and you are going to stand in the middle of that dense crowd and — and what? Stare up at him. That’s it. He’s not going to see you; that stage is so high up he’ll probably only catch a look at your forehead, and that’s if you make it up front. And since we both know you’re neither the tallest nor the luckiest person in the world, you know the odds are against you. You’re probably going to get pushed to the back, or stampeded, and it’s going to be messy, and you’re going to push, and they’re going to push you back, and your make-up is going to fall apart, or whatever. Is this really worth it?”

“I told you,” you try to sound patient, but the idea of being buffeted away from the stage by a large wave of sweaty bodies causes more discomfort than you had originally anticipated thanks to her colorful and supremely unhelpful description. “If being near the stage doesn’t work out, I’ll wait out back, near the exit, and —“

“Oh yeah, and ambush him. Because you’ll be the only one there, and because that’s totally safe.” She drops the slightly (well, pretty) judgmental tone when she sees your bottom lip quiver. “I’m not… I’m not saying you shouldn’t try to reach out to him. But this doesn’t sound like the best way, _____________. Security is so tight there, and NCT’s security is even more wary. Even if you do manage to get close, what in the world are you going to say?”

“I— I’ll figure it out once I’m there.” You purse your lips; surely I love you; we’re meant to be together wouldn’t be that hard on your end, but the more important question is: did it sound sane? You didn’t express this doubt, though. Doing so would give your roommate more ammunition to turn back at you; you’d play it by ear when you actually got around to making eye contact with him (if that ever happened at all). And — well, maybe you wouldn’t have to say anything. Maybe, just maybe, this time, he’d remember you.

At that thought, you feel an initial wave of laughter, closely followed by a second, much more painful wave of nausea. Of all the absurd things you could think of, that was probably the most ridiculous.

“This isn’t a good idea,” she recapitulates, shaking her head. “You know what they do to people who stalk idols and say they’re really going to get married to them, or whatever. You know what they’d call you.”

“But I’m not crazy like that,” you argue.

“I know that, but they don’t know anything about you! You’d be labeled a sasaeng. They’ll probably think you’re one of those girls that sneak into their dorms and sniff their underwear before selling them on the dark side of Taobao through a weird Chinese proxy or something.”

“Well, what am I supposed to do?” You ball your fists at your side, feeling a little betrayed. Heehyeon, of all people, should be able to understand why you had to do this, even if it was ludicrous. She had remembered you, reached out to you before you could even place her. She’d heard your story, understood that you had been waiting years for this moment, even stopped you on other occasions when you were about to do the same thing you were planning now, saying it wasn’t the right time. “I don’t have any other way of contacting him. I don’t even know if this is going to work, but you know I have to try, and I feel like this is the right time. I have to see him. I have to — I have to be with him. I don’t need your blessing to go, you know.”

There’s a palpable tension hanging over you now, and Heehyeon’s expression has gone mostly unreadable, save for that twinge of worry still present in her gaze. The soft sound of regular, heavy exhales punctuate every few seconds that pass, and you realize a little later that it’s your breathing, which has turned a bit heavy from the energy spent sort-of yelling at your roommate.

“I know that,” she finally sighs. “I know that, _____________. I just wish you used a different way. Like, a safer, less crazy one.”

“I would use one if there were one.” You frown. “I’m not going to do anything stupid, like attack him. I would never do that.”

She doesn’t say much anymore, opting to watch you instead as you stuff a few more essential things in your bag. A hat. A fan. a bottle of water. Heehyeon had tried to coerce you to buy one of those cheering kits with those slogans, but you didn’t want to waste your money on it, and, truthfully, you didn’t want his name hanging on your walls like some sick reminder in case he rejected you.

“What did you tell your manager?” She asks in a clear attempt to lighten the mood.

“I told her I was sick. You know she never really asks as long as I find someone to substitute for me,” you sling your bag over your shoulder, standing straighter. “How do I look?”

“Pretty damn healthy,” she notes. “But also kind of crazy.”

“I’ll see you tonight, Heehyeon,” you roll your eyes as you make your way out of the room. Before you close the door, she makes one last quick remark.

“Not if I see you on the evening news first!”

You have to take two buses to get to Sangamsan-ro. Even though the traffic is generally mild, the buses make too many stops and wait too long for old ladies with their fruit baskets and newspapers to get on. The wait is making you anxious, and you think about getting an orange to abate your growing hunger, but you’re also so nervous that you’re sure you’re going to spew it all out onto the bus floor anyway. So, you content yourself with listening to music and fiddling with your fingers in your lap.

All you have in your phone is NCT’s music. The files were so large that you’d had to delete everything else you used to listen to and a handful of pictures too (mostly selfies that would have never seen the light of day, anyway) just to get them to fit. You used to only listen to the Korean versions, but you’d found all these little nuances in how Mark raps his lines depending on the language, so you’d started listening to the English and Japanese releases too, even though you can’t understand a lick of anything but ‘baby.’ Most of the time, you skip over to the relevant (see: Mark-filled) parts, already having memorized their timestamps to a kind of sick degree.

It was kind of dumb, and sort of selfish, but you had never really identified yourself as an NCT fan anyway. If you had been an active part of the groups following, people would have probably called you an akgae. You were really only concerned with one member, and it was that member’s voice that filled your ears when you’d plugged your earbuds in and put the volume up.

The first time you’d seen him was in your last year of college. One of your college friends had asked you to accompany them to a Nature Republic outlet downtown. Despite your general lack of interest in make-up at that point in time, you’d gone because she’d promised to buy you a corndog. What you’d gotten instead was a large standee of a handsome guy smiling at you and holding out a pot of aloe vera gel.

You knew his eyes. Even though his features changed a million times in your memory, you could never mistake his eyes for anyone else’s — soft, warm, brown eyes that you’d stared into for truly an eternity. His were eyes you could never forget, were never allowed to forget. You could remember the millions of times they’d smiled up at you in those past lives you were haunted with, twinkled with mischief and laughter in your presence, borne deep into yours on hot summer nights as you made love. Of all the uncertain things in all of the lives you remembered living, these eyes acted as your anchor.

You’d almost forgotten you were there with a friend until she’d called out to you, telling you to step inside the shop. Trying to sound disinterested despite the fact that your heart was pounding, you asked who the guy in the standee was. Mark, she’d called him. Mark of NCT. He was an idol, a rapper in one of those up and coming groups that was starting to gain a lot of attention within the general public because of their ‘cool, chic concepts.’ At that information, your heart had fallen into a pool of acid in your stomach.

Other times were hard, but not this hard. Most of the factors that had kept you or torn you apart were much larger in scale — war, famine, other natural disasters. This, out of all the other times, seemed to be the most difficult; he wasn’t an ordinary man anymore, but a god among men — a god you couldn’t be allowed to approach. You had ditched your friend the moment she’d gotten her change back at the counter, citing a sudden time of the month as the root cause, and dashed out and back to school, sparing only one last glance at the standee.

You’d been waiting for him for years, carefully looking for any sign of him in the people around you, but you had grown tired and had come to believe that maybe, in this life, you had been set free — that he didn’t exist, and the curse would be over. However, as you pored over each and every teaser, music video, advertisement, and blurry, noise-heavy radio interview you could find even a sliver of his face in, you realized that the curse had come back, and in a much larger force than you could ever imagine.

You’d stared at your desk for the longest time that day; the sun had dipped out of sight already when you’d sighed yourself out of your trance. It had never been this difficult. Having the Memory was mostly the worst thing ever, but its usual perk was that you could pick him out a little easier, and he was never too far away — nobody you ever knew in your first life ever was. They just kept coming up again and again, running around in little circles throughout time and space, and you recognized them in a way you’ve come to grow familiar with. It’s a tug, sort of like a tickle in your stomach, and you knew then that he was close by. The signal only stopped when you found him, and it usually wasn’t that hard. From there, you were responsible for weaving the same kind of story — one in which you would fall in love, be happy for a period of time, and then… well.

Heehyeon has the Memory, too. She’d remembered you from a previous life, too, and picked you out of a packed line at a coffee shop, striking up one of the most awkward conversations you’d ever had the displeasure of being a part of because she hadn’t been sure if you remembered her. It was only when she mentioned that you seemed like someone she could be good friends with and that you also seemed like you just happened to like your coffee black with two sugars did you realize that her sudden onslaught of friendliness was a sign she might be like you: unable to forget. She’d actually once asked you if you’d tried just letting him go, and you’d responded with a resolute no. At this point, it was too hard to call him a lost cause, even if he really seemed it. How could you stop loving someone you know you’ve loved for millennia?

He’s extremely handsome in this life, you’ve noted. Girls were falling all over him, which only made things ten times harder. A couple of years back, some rumors of him dating a labelmate had come up. Heehyeon had talked you through that long night of you clutching tissues in a fist and sobbing about how you didn’t want this anymore, how it was never fair, how every single time you had to find him was just growing more and more difficult until it seemed to reach an impossible arc. But, mostly, you’d cried because you hated the possibility — probably the confirmation — that he didn’t remember you at all.

You didn’t really expect him to, but you always hoped. Every life, you would approach him, and he would be a clean slate. It was a tiring process, one you wished you weren’t constantly responsible for. Some days, you resented him; how could he live his life carefree, without even the notion that you two were meant to be together? Most days, though, you just longed for him. Him, and a happy ending.

You let out a sigh as the track changes. His voice greets you again; over time, you’ve noticed it sounding even cooler, more impactful. He’s doing well for himself. And here you are, attempting to make yourself stand out in a pool of fans he probably can’t even see clearly. Nice.

You get to listen to about half of the newly released album before you realize you’re nearing your stop. Sidestepping a couple of baskets of oranges, you make it to the door and dash out. Heehyeon had drawn you a crude map to CJ E&M, and you’d been skeptical of it at first, but you realize now you would have gotten lost and missed the stage long before you got there if you had gone in blind. You’d make sure to thank her when you got back. If you did actually come back in one piece.

Heehyeon also hadn’t been joking; the line outside looks like it would fill a whole section of Jamsil. You’d heard of the dedication of some of these fans, but you’d never seen it like this, nor had you ever actually been a part of it. Kids were really up at three in the morning in support of NCT. Many of them are probably here specifically in support of Mark, you think. Sure enough, the people you line up behind are holding holographic slogans with the print “Mark-yah!” You swallow hard, trying not to regret your decision not to partake in that.

It feels like hours before you get even close to the door of the building. The chatter has died down a little, but not by much; even with less people ahead of you, the noise pollution increases in tandem with the excitement in the atmosphere. You’re not excited, though. You’re sick to your stomach, wishing you hadn’t come alone and wondering if you were going to regret this. Probably. Luckily, a couple of teenagers behind you strike up a casual conversation starting with “ah, it’s getting more humid now,” and you take turns complaining about what the weather would probably be like later on in the day before you start talking about NCT. They’re both Jaehyun fans, and you think about whether or not you remember meeting him in a past life. Nothing really rings a bell.

When you tell them you’re here for Mark, they giggle.

“We know,” they chime. “You’re wearing blue.”

“It’s his favorite color,” you say, a little defensively.

“Everyone knows that. Everyone here wearing that ocean blue is a Mark fan. Didn’t he say so once?” They dissolve into laughter again, but you say nothing. Maybe he had said that recently. Then again, his favorite color has always been blue — the color of the sky and the sea he seems to love so much.

The line grows shorter and shorter, and your ankles feel like they’re starting to swell. You’ve been standing for a good two hours now, and you regret not having bought one of those NCT membership cards that get you up to the front of the line. It’s really no surprise that you, the two Jaehyun fans, and the others in the line behind you are all squished in the back, just like Heehyeon had said you would be. It takes a good twenty minutes before the lights dim down and the stage lights start up, and you hear the buzz that increases in volume right before it becomes a collective deafening shriek from the crowd. The light sticks go up, and you’re momentarily blinded by the large stars that blink NCT in some weird logo form before you get your bearings again. By that time, the members have begun trooping onto the stage in a single file, and you forget your swollen ankles as you tiptoe and crane your head for a better view.

He’s there, your mind screams. He’s right there. You’ve got a whole crowd in front of you, but he’s right there.

The Jaehyun fans are losing their mind too; he’s talking, asking them how they found the album and encouraging them to keep supporting it. Typical idol stuff, you assume, but the fans go wild in an attempt to reassure him that they will. They all speak in a line, and you note Mark will be last. When the mic is handed over to him, the fans start screaming again. You feel like you want to yell as well, except you’re not sure if you’ll say something actually coherent that other people will hear. Instead, you tiptoe a little higher, fixing your pretty bad eyesight on his face and perking your ears up.

“You’re all here so early,” he starts. “How long have you been waiting for us?”

A flurry of numbers fly across the room. He smiles in this genuinely affectionate way even though his eyes can’t focus on a single person in the dark, and your heart stutters at the sight.

“Do your mothers know you’re here?” He’s teasing now. “You can’t tell them that NCT is the reason you’re not sleeping well, you know. Everyone, make sure that you eat breakfast and rest well before school today, okay?”

While the crowd screams in response, you let out a little whimper. It’s a weak, pathetic sound, but it essentially sums up how you feel, seeing him like this from so far away.

The pre-recording starts, but you barely catch anything. You’re too small for this kind of life, and you get so tired of tiptoeing that you actually do try to push your way through the crowd. Of course, this is fruitless, and you end up squatting by the back wall of the room, sipping on your water conservatively and listening to the Jaehyun fans do the chant religiously.

NCT performs the song two more times before they’re saying their goodbyes. You muster up the energy to stand again and make a beeline for the exit before everyone else can smash their way through. The sun is almost up now; beads of sweat form on the nape of your neck as you round the building, trying to find the indicated spot that Heehyeon had marked as the back exit of CJ E&M. You worry about how you’re in the wrong place for about ten minutes until you see the two Jaehyun fans turning the corner quickly, obviously with the same goal as you: to catch NCT as they leave the building.

In no time, the fans have gathered at the spot again, and it seems like they’ve multiplied tenfold; the chants are louder and there are girls with gigantic cameras trying to shove you away from the spot. Security from the company camps out in front of you, their gazes shifting from the door to the crowd and back again.

People around you roar the moment the doorknob turns. Nine of them file out, now in regular clothing, surrounded by their own security. You feel a surge of force behind you, trying to push forward, and someone’s camera lens hits you hard in the side of the face. You barely have time to cry out in surprise, caught in what would have been a scream of pain, when you see him.

In the growing light, Mark looks like a king. No — like a god, actually. Everything on his face shines even when minimal sunlight strikes it; his teeth help, too, brightening his face as his mouth hangs open in an easy laugh. He’s talking to Doyoung and has to face him, his sharp jawline being the first thing anyone can see from that perspective, and it’s that angle that creates all these alarms in your head.

For some reason, you’ve blocked out the noise around you. Even the pain from the camera lens attack isn’t bothering you as much anymore; you feel like you’re in an aquarium, and all the screams are on the other side of the glass. Your vision tunnels; all you can see is him.

You’d promised Heehyeon you wouldn’t do anything stupid. Again and again, she’d asked you and drilled you and reminded you that you weren’t supposed to do anything that would get you into trouble. Even with those promises you’d made, she’d still doubted you. Later, when you’d tell her this story, she’d roll her eyes and yell I told you so!, because, well, she did tell you. And, when you’d look at it in retrospect, you’d see that you should have listened.

Right now, though, you’re walking. Somehow, the camera lens that had attacked you had turned its gaze onto much more important targets; the guard stationed in front of you grunted in pain and reflexively retracted his hand after the lens made contact with it. It wasn’t a long movement, but it was enough for you to be pushed forward by the crowd. Enough to get your feet moving.

Other fans had stopped trying to break through; though many were still hysterical, most were trying to take pictures of the members as they climbed into the van. One by one, they were disappearing before your eyes. No, you thought to yourself. Your chest tightened. Somewhere in the back of your mind, you think that the noise behind you has gotten much louder. Not now. He hasn’t seen me yet. Not yet, please.

You don’t realize that your feet have picked up the pace, and you’ve broken into a short sprint before the building security could catch you. It’s too late; he can’t leave his post, and he only has to hope that NCT’s staff are well-equipped to fend off a running girl. They are, but they’re too busy helping the members that they’re caught unaware — just long enough for you to be within an arm’s reach of them.

Mark is almost in the van; he’s caught off-guard, too, and he doesn’t realize that something’s not right until you’re already there. Security grabs his arm and tries to tug him out of your reach and into the van at the same time that a strong hand grapples at the back of your shirt. Doyoung, who had been by Mark’s side, tries to use his arms to shield you from his friend when he realizes who you are targeting, yelling out something you can’t really understand.

It’s a ten-second long struggle of limbs in which you hear your own “Let go of me!” harmonize perfectly with Mark’s frantic “What the —?” Somehow, though, you’re able to fight through Doyoung’s arms and grip Mark’s wrist with a sweaty palm. The contact causes him to turn back reflexively, eyes wide in shock.

His eyes. God, please, won’t he recognize me? Your fingers close around his wrist a little more tightly. Your mouth is dry, and your throat is on fire. You’re wasting precious time. You only manage out a weak, “Please, Mark, it’s me,” before he’s twisting his wrist away. The arm that gripped your shirt moves to lock around your waist, and you’re hauled, empty-handed, away from the van. Awareness you’d lost slowly trickles back into you. The crowd isn’t screaming at the members now; they’re screaming at you. They’re angry. As you’re dragged away, you vaguely note that the Jaehyun fans you were with are fuming behind the security guards still keeping them in place.

The security guard that carried you off like a rag doll plants you in front of him, and he lets go of your waist but still keeps his grip tight around both your forearms, which have been twisted behind you. You have no choice but to watch from afar as the members drag Mark into the van, looks of concern etched across their faces. They ask him if he’s hurt, and he shakes his head. Right before the door closes, he quickly glances back at you. Your heart sinks for the second time today as you see something in his eyes you’d never seen before.

Fear. Mark is afraid of you.

244 notes · View notes

janners · 1 year

Text

Replaced Feelings

Pairings : Neteyam(18) x reader, Lo’ak(17) x reader, Neteyam x oc

Warnings : unrequited love..?, angst, fluff, happy ending

word count : 12.3k

a/n : Originally I was going to post this like a day or two ago but it came out much longer than I had anticipated so editing took forever. Was also going to have a depressing ending for this but decided against it so you’re welcome. It is also safe to say that I don’t like this work. I feel like some parts are rushed and some dragged out for too long but oh well.

You and Neteyam have known each other since you were just small infants. Mothers being close friends, basically sisters. Always attached to the hip, playing with each other, even fighting over small toys. Not that the fights were serious, mostly bickering with each other. Doing everything together through thick and thin, not even batting an eye.

“Pasuk! We shouldn’t be doing this. Our mothers will kill us if they find out were sneaking out to the forest”

Pasuk, a nickname Neteyam gave you because in his words “you are as sweet as a berry” and you loved it.

“Ah don’t be such a prrnen teyam. We will only be gone for a couple minutes''

Laughing, you start running into the forest, only for Neteyam to roll his eyes and follow you. He wonders why you had insisted that he had to come immediately even risking your ears getting talked off by your mothers. He continues following you though lagging behind as you were quite fast.

“Hurry up you slowpoke!”

“I'm trying! Not my fault you are weirdly fast”

You squint your eyes at him sticking your tongue out. He does it back while trying to catch up to you. Suddenly you stop making Neteyam smack right into your back, resulting in you both falling to the ground.

“OW why did you stop? Made me smack my nose into your back you skxawng!”

“Oh shush, this is what I wanted to show youuu”

Hearing the excitement in your voice, he finally looks up seeing a beautiful clear pond. The pond was so clear you could see all the little creatures swimming in it especially with the bioluminescent plants surrounding it.

“Woah”

Neteyam looked around with a wide smile and wonder in his eyes. You couldn’t help but stare at him because for you, his opinion mattered. He meets your eyes and starts talking about how amazing the area is.

“This is so cool! This can be our hideaway”

You glimmer at the idea of having a place that only you and Neteyam knew. Next thing you know, you and Neteyam start to point and make ideas of how they could make this place theirs and theirs only.

The next few years, your relationship grew closer than ever. Though with Neteyam training as the next Olo’eyktan, you don’t see each other as often as you wished you did. Throughout the years you also couldn’t help but develop feelings for your friend. You admired everything about him. The way his hair swings, his gentle, kind eyes when talking with you, his smile and laughter all caused by you.

Never have you acted on those feelings. Afraid that it would not be reciprocated and end up hurt. Always having to push those feelings down like it was bile coming up from your throat. With these thoughts whirling through your head while sitting in your secluded spot, you didn’t notice the rustling coming from behind you.

Neteyam had just finished his daily duties, now tired just wanting to talk to someone. That someone would be you, the only person that could cheer him up. All his life, you were the one who would truly understand what he was feeling. Sometimes you wouldn’t always understand but you provided him words of comfort. Those words are enough for him because he knows you are true to your words. Seeing you sitting there gave him the idea to scare you. Knowing that you’re probably daydreaming, he took the chance to slowly creep up behind you and jump.

“RAH”

“AH HOLY SHIT WHAT THE FUCK TEYAM”

He doubled over laughing seeing how you reacted. You smacked his arm since he scared the living daylights out of you. Eventually you laugh along with him. Moments like these bring you much happiness.

“Why did you do that!?”

“Well I saw you daydreaming like always and saw it as an opportunity to scare you. You seriously need to stop doing that before you end up getting eaten by a palulukan”

Still laughing, both of you started fighting playfully. Flipping each other over, running around trying to catch each other. Neteyam loved moments like these, it gives him the time to feel like a child again. The feeling of being free.

Panting out of breath from constantly running, you both plop onto the soft grass beneath. Staring into the dark sky and looking at the stars. Finally asking Neteyam about his day.

“How was training and doing your mighty Olo’eyktan duties” teasingly asking, Neteyam sighs

“The usual, more of dad nagging at me and having to take on Lo’aks mistakes AGAIN”

You chuckle softly, knowing how Neteyam and Lo’ak get when he makes mistakes. Lo’ak only being a year younger, you had also formed a good friendship with him.

“You know, you don’t have to keep taking the blame for Lo’ak, at some point he will have to take the blame himself.”

“What kind of brother would I be if I didn’t”

You shrug not really knowing how to answer as you are an only child.

“You would still be a good one in my eyes”

He found solace in your words. He turns to you giving you a soft smile, a smile that makes your stomach churn.

“I think it is best we start heading back now before they set the alarms for a missing son”

You smiled widely while he rolled his eyes at you. Standing up and giving each other a tight embrace before bidding each other goodnight. Now parting ways, you enter your space greeting your mother.

“Out a bit late weren’t we?”

Giving you a knowing look, cheeks heating up and denying her unsaid claims quickly.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about sa’nok”

“Mhm if you say so”

Your mother always knew that you had feelings for the young boy. She could only worry, as it seemed as though the boy didn’t see you the same way you saw him. She could only pray that nothing bad would happen to you.

Neteyam now returning, he sees that Lo’ak is still awake. No surprise there really, he always tends to stay up later than the rest. Though Lo’ak was surprised that Neteyam came this late, it is unusual for him to see his perfect brother out during this time.

“What are you doing out so late? I had to cover for your ass since you didn’t come back.”

“That is none of your business little brother”

Lo’ak squints his eyes at him. The only reasons that Neteyam would be out breaking rules would have to be because of another. But even that seemed like unusual behaviour from his brother.

“You were with someone weren’t you?”

“What makes you say that”

“You seem a bit too happy especially after training and such”

“Still do not know why you want to know”

A brief pause between them as Lo’ak realises who he was with. Ears now pulled back, jealousy visible. Of course, the only person he would break rules with.

“You were with y/n weren’t you?”

Neteyam is now confused as to why Lo’ak seems irritated with his own words.

“Why does that matter? So what if I was with y/n, she is my closest friend”

Hearing those words “friend” makes him even more irritated. Ever since you guys had gotten close, he’s seen the looks you send to Neteyam. Eyes full of love and admiration, just watching it pains him. Envious, he bumps into his brother's shoulder wanting to go for a calming flight with his Ikran before he lets his feelings get out of hand.

“Whatever, I’ll be back late”

Neteyam watches his brother leave, still unsure what he had done to make his brother mad.

You had been tossing and turning unable to sleep. Deciding that a late night flight may help. Walking to where your Ikran is resting you spot Lo’ak seemingly with the same plans as you.

“Lo’ak!” You shouted quietly, not wanting to disturb any clan members. Ears perking, spinning to the sound of your voice.

“y/n? Why are you here?” The question comes off a bit rude instead of curious.

“What, I can't have late night flights either? Feels like you don’t want me here”

You had only wanted that sentence to come off as a joke, but Lo’ak got flustered trying to rephrase what he had said.

“NO… I mean no no I didn’t mean it like that, I- I uh just meant you know I don’t see you up here often during this hour and you know I was just wondering why you were up here”

His rambling made you laugh. He looked at you, he felt relief knowing that you were just joking. He nudges your shoulder airly as you're laughing.

“Hey its not funny”

“You’re right sorry” Holding in more of your laughter, but you couldn’t and started laughing harder making your stomach and cheeks hurt.

“Haha it must be so funny laughing at me huh. Just tell me why you are here, you never answered me”

“S-sorry, it’s just your face, it was too funny not to laugh at. Though to answer your question, I couldn’t sleep”

Upon hearing that, Lo’ak plucked some courage to ask you if you wanted to join him since it seemed as though you were going to take a flight as well. You agree much to his relief. He was a nervous wreck inside as you guys never had much one on one time with each other. Most time spent together was with his other siblings. Now having you to himself for once, his heart could not calm down. Gliding through the air together, Lo’ak has yet to talk to you since taking off. Lost in thought and you had noticed.

“Lo’ak!”

You shout while pointing towards one of the floating mountains signalling that you wanted to land. Mounting off your Ikran and Lo’ak following behind you. You find a nice patch of grass to sit on and pat the spot next to you. He takes a seat and wonders why you wanted to land.

“It seems as though you have something bothering you Lo’ak. You can tell me, I promise I won’t tell anyone”

Softly smiling at him, he decided to speak his mind.

“Do, do you like Neteyam?”

He wanted to know a solid answer even if he suspected how you felt. He wanted to hear it from you. In no way did you expect this question. You looked at him with wide eyes, cheeks heating up again. Silence for a solid minute before you thought it was okay to speak.

“I do… a lot. But it is not like he returns those feelings. There are plenty of woman who are much better than me who are fit for teyam”

“You must be insane”

Turning to Lo’ak with a stunned look. Waiting for him to explain what he had meant by that. As for Lo’ak, he could not believe what he had just heard. First you confirmed your feelings for Neteyam but that went over his head as you mentioned how you felt that you were less than others.

“You are way better than many women in our clan, and so what if a few may excel in some things. You are perfect the way you are, any man in the clan would be extremely lucky to have you. Even Neteyam”

Saying his brother's name pained him, but you being happy was his top priority even if it meant you liking Neteyam.

“If I hear you bringing yourself down, I may just have to knock some sense into you. Like it’d be crazy if anyone denied that you were beautiful”

That last sentence slipped out of his mouth. He quickly looked down, a bit embarrassed that he had blurted that out. You on the other hand were at a loss of words. The only times you’ve been called beautiful were from your mother. Not even Neteyam has called you beautiful, only sweet. Knowing that someone feels as if you are worth something has tears gathering in your eyes.

“You think I'm beautiful?”

Lo’ak slowly brings his head up, making eye contact with you giving you the most sincere face. Playing with his fingers he opens his mouth.

“Of course… you’d have to be stupid to not think that”

He mumbles but you catch everything. You bring him into a tight hug knocking the air out of him. Lo’ak was stunned by the sudden embrace but slowly brought his arms up to hug back with a small squeeze. Never did you think that you’d be having this intimate moment with the younger brother but it felt right. Breaking the hug giving Lo’ak a final pat on the head. Lo’aks tail swishing back and forth with a faint purple hue on his cheeks. He couldn’t help but feel gleeful having a special moment like that with you.

Flying back you guys stole glances at each other and bumping Ikrans with loud shouts and light-hearted laughs. Unfortunately for Lo’ak, the night had come to an end when sending you off back home. Both now asleep with content smiles on their faces.

Feeling refreshed from the night before you go in search of Neteyam knowing that today was one of his off days. During these types of days, you and Neteyam would always take a stroll around the forest finally ending up at the hideaway. Walking through the village, greeting passing members of the clan, you finally spot Neteyam on training grounds.

“Teyam! I thought today you were free?”

Neteyam, startled by your sudden appearance, shot the arrow and missed his target. He sighs.

“Sorry Pasuk, I wanted to train a bit this morning just to enhance my skills a bit more”

Looking at you with apologetic eyes.

“Do you know when you will be finished then?”

Asking a bit eagerly as it’s been a while hanging out during the daytime. Even if you saw him last night, you missed him.

“I do not think I will be any longer. You can wait if you’d like but I can’t assure you that I will be of any entertainment”

Chuckling softly, telling him that it is okay and that you don’t mind waiting at all. If it was Neteyam you could wait an eternity for him. You sat down, a small distance away from him just admiring him. During these times you couldn’t help but just stare, his perfect stance, his focused face. Everything about him was… perfect. An aching feeling now returns, still knowing that he probably doesn’t return the same feelings. Distracted by your thoughts once again, you didn’t see the girl approaching Neteyam.

“NETE!”

Your ears perk up hearing a loud shrieking. Lifting your head up you see Fipxe, the one girl you couldn’t help but dislike. It wasn’t like she was rude or anything, it was the complete opposite. Fipxe was a very bright girl, also coming from a good family. Not only was she pretty but pleasant to be around. The one reason you don’t like her is because Neteyam seemed to like her around. He had that glimmer in his eyes that you had for him.

“Fipxe, nice to see you. Do you need something?”

Neteyam had asked in a soft tone. Your ears turned down seeing the interaction between the two.

“I was hoping we could walk around together after you finished your training here?”

He looked in your direction seeing that he wasn’t sure what to say. You decided to interrupt and speak for him in a polite tone.

“He was just about finished so he should be able to join you soon”

He turned to you with a confused expression because you had plans with him first. Instead you wave him off with a faint smile but it doesn’t quite reach your eyes.

“Pasuk, I thought we were going to walk around?”

“It is okay teyam. You spend enough time with me already, now hurrying and finish you don’t want to keep the girl waiting”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes I am sure, now stop stalling and finish with training”

You wave goodbye and watch them interact with each other. Your chest felt as if it was on fire. Not wanting to watch the scene anymore you sped away to distract yourself. Not knowing what to do, you just sat in your home and started to weave some more clothing items to keep unwanted thoughts away. Your mother walked in seeing you sat on the ground just radiating with sadness.

“What is wrong maite? You are usually with Neteyam these days are you not?”

Hearing his name again made you sink deeper into your sadness

“It is nothing, he had other plans so I am just keeping busy”

She knew something was wrong and pulled you into a hug giving you a squeeze. As you were hugging you heard someone opening the flaps of your home. It was Lo’ak. He gave your mother a quick greeting.

“Um hi miss l/n, is it okay if I stole your daughter for the day if she isn’t busy or anything”

Ears perking, seeing Lo’ak awkwardly standing at the entrance. Your mother nudged you, taking it as her wanting you to go out. Standing up greeting Lo’ak with a light punch on the shoulder. He took that as you being free, tail now swiping back and forth excited to show what he had planned. Your mother is looking at the scene with a faint smile.

Before Lo’ak had the idea to come to you, he saw that his brother wasn’t with you at all. Instead he saw him with another girl, and from the corner of his eyes he saw you walk away from their direction. He knew that something went wrong since you and Neteyam were always with each other. Quickly he formed an idea of things to do with you while slowly heading towards your space. Now with you standing beside him it was like his mind went blank.

“Soo Lo’ak, why did you need me?”

“Well uh, I uh”

Now stuttering over his own words, purple flushing his cheeks. You noticed and thought that it was adorable. Swatting those thoughts away, you must've thought you were insane for thinking that when you like Neteyam, his brother.

“I uh, I thought we could hangout today seeing you aren’t with Neteyam…”

Seeing your ears turn down again at the thought, he was quick to stray away from mentioning Neteyam.

“I wanted to see if you’d like to go exploring with me or fly around?”

Finally perking up hearing those ideas, you gladly accept. Wanting to forget about Neteyam for a little while. Lo’ak sighing in relief knowing that you seem happier now. Both walking together side by side talking about small things and asking how Tuk and Kiri were. Along the way you had stopped Lo’ak to tell him that you wanted to check something real quick. That something was the hideaway. Telling him to stay put, you quickly dart towards the place promising Lo’ak you’ll be back in a sec.

You had dropped your hand blade the other night, guessing it might’ve fell while messing around with Neteyam. Reaching the said area, you froze in your spot hearing two familiar voices. You closed your eyes not wanting to see what you think it may be. Opening your eyes ever so slowly, you peak over the bush. Your chest never ached this hard ever before, it felt as if it had been torn out. The sight was Fipxe and Neteyam sitting beside each other in your special spot. They were laughing and pushing each other around. It felt as if you’d been replaced by the person you had been most worried about. You were able to hold in your feelings when it came to letting Neteyam be happy with someone else but this was something you could not forgive him for.

Not wanting to watch any further, you took off as fast as you could with tears gathering in your eyes threatening to fall at any second. Neteyam on the other hand had catched a glimpse of you. Eyes widening he apologised quickly to Fipxe and took off after you.

“PASUK. Y/N i can explain!”

Not wanting to hear his words you run even faster with tears now streaming down your face. Lo’ak had heard some shouting from a distance wondering what had happened. He saw you running towards him, he smiled but quickly faded seeing that you were crying. Quickly grabbing you before you could run past him.

“Why are you crying? What happened?”

At that moment Neteyam had finally caught up, seeing you in the embrace of Lo’ak. He felt a small twinge in his heart seeing the scene before him. Never did he mean for you to see that nor to make you cry. He wanted to reach out and comfort you but he retracted his hand as his brother gave him a deadly look.

Lo’ak knew right away once his brother emerged from the plants. He gave his brother a look of warning while comforting you in his arms. They start walking away with him rubbing your back. Neteyam could only walk away back to Fipxe, but hoping he could talk to you later at night knowing right now wasn’t the best time.

Crying now settled to sniffling, still in the arms of Lo’ak, grateful that he was here with you. He quietly spoke asking if you wanted to go somewhere more secluded. You nod slightly, now heading towards his Ikran as you weren’t fully stable enough to ride yours. He sat you infront of him, securing his arms around your frail body ready to take off. Flying smoothly through the air, now having a steady breath and heart rate. You lean into Lo’aks warm body until you were able to find a small area to land.

Landing softly on some plush grass on top of the mountains, Lo’ak helps you off his Ikran. Thoughts are still running through your mind, so many questions unanswered. Flinching when Lo’ak touched your shoulder, pulling you out of your thoughts. He holds your hand, guiding you to a flat area for you to settle on. Though reaching the spot, he still didn’t let go of your hand. Rather, he tightened his grip but not enough to hurt you.

Laying in silence, looking up towards the sky lost in thought once again. Instead of thoughts of Neteyam, it was thoughts about Lo’ak. How lucky you were to have him with you right now. Now thoughts filled with questions once again.

“Lo’ak?”

He turns towards you humming

“Is there something wrong about me?”

His eyebrows furrowed, not understanding what you had meant by that.

“What are you talking about?”

“I mean, is there something about me that’s… unlikeable?”

He gave you an even more furrowed look, speechless with what you had just asked. He sat up grabbing both of your hands.

“No no absolutely not, you are extremely likeable. Whoever says anything different is crazy!”

You gave him a doubtful look not fully believing his statements. He sees through you and gently places his hand on your cheek.

“Y/n”

He tenderly spoke, plucking up the courage to say what he always has wanted to say.

“Ever since I've met you, I’ve always thought you were the most stunning girl out of everyone in the clan. Not only that, you’re kind-hearted, clever, and overall breathtaking. You always knew what to say when I’m having a hard time with everything. You speak to me with the sweetest tone and it is always reassuring for me knowing that you understand me.”

You place your hand over his, tears flooding once again. Tears of joy and a bright smile.

“Thank you Lo’ak”

A comfortable silence settled between the both of you. Staring at the stars. Lo’ak felt happy but there was just one thing gnawing at him endlessly. He didn’t want to ruin the mood but he needed to know why you still like Neteyam.

“Y/n?”

You hum looking towards him.

“I know you may not want to talk about this but I have to get it off my chest. Why do you still like Neteyam?”

Sorrow now falls over your once relaxed face. You knew it wasn’t good to keep all of this to yourself but the topic was always so difficult to talk about. You could only huff out air through your nose but you knew you could confine yourself to Lo’ak.

“Neteyam and I have been together ever since we were just babies. Growing up together, I couldn’t help but develop feelings for him. He was always kind to me and protected me. He possessed so many qualities that I couldn’t help but fall for him more. What made my feelings even more solid was the fact that we had a special place together, a hideaway. That was one of the reasons I was crying earlier. He was there when I stopped to check if my blade was there. He was with Fipxe, in our hideaway. That hideaway is so dear to me but seeing him there with someone else who isn't me broke me a little inside seeing I am so easily replaced. To answer your question, I don’t know. Normally after something like that you’re supposed to be mad but all I feel is disappointment. There is a part of me that wants to believe that it was a mistake but only one could dream. I’m in conflict with my own feelings and thoughts everyday.”

Fresh tears now fall on your cheeks. The aching feeling returns worse than before making it feel hard to breathe. Lo’ak acted fast pulling you into a tight embrace. You could only cry harder.

“It hurts so much Lo’ak”

You dig deeper into his chest wanting to get rid of the pain in your chest. He could only pull you closer and caress your head whispering words of consolation.

The flight back was silent after calming down, both unable to speak after the confession. Dismounting the Ikran, Lo’ak gave you one last hug before parting ways. You walked straight back home unable to control your thoughts with a hazy look on your face. Your head faced towards the ground, you bumped into someone's chest. You looked up to apologise, words stuck in your throat as you saw Neteyam with a desperate look on his face.

You try to walk past him not wanting to talk to him. He grabs your arm making you turn to him trying to shake him off.

“Let go Neteyam!”

He went wide-eyed, not once have you called him his full name.

“Pasuk please, I just want to explain”

Ears going back, giving him a hardened look. You hiss

“I do not want to talk about that”

Still attempting to shake his hand off your arm. Instead he grabs both arms now fully facing him.

“Please”

His voice strained, only wanting to talk. Face softening, you nod faintly letting him talk once more. He looks at you gratefully.

“I swear we were just walking and talking but we ended up near our hideaway. She saw it and started walking towards it and I couldn't stop her.”

You squint your eyes at him. Annoyance now taking over.

“You couldn’t stop her or you didn’t bother to tell her? You know fully well you could’ve told her that it wasn't her place to be there as it’s our special place!”

You were now enraged with the excuse Neteyam had spat out. You could not believe what you were hearing at all frankly. Neteyam now looked upset, blurting out something that broke your heart even more tonight.

“You think I would tell that to a girl I’ve been courting? “Our special place” you say, we aren't children anymore so grow up!”

Staring at him with disbelief, this was not the boy you once befriended nor one you fell for. The words “courting” are now ringing in your ears. All this time he kept this from you while you kept falling deeper and deeper. Your voice is weak, barely getting a word out.

“You’re courting her?”

Regret filling his face, he didn’t want you knowing just yet about his courtship to Fipxe. His tone is now quiet as well.

“I am…”

Mind trailing back to him saying that you were childish for mentioning “our special place.” Anger now apparent on your face once more.

“Not only that, you call me childish?! That place has been special to me since we were kids, the place where we meet and only us”

Sadness now takes over your anger not understanding why he was acting this way. Neteyam now had a stern look.

“Y/n, I feel it is time for us to put our youth behind us. We are at the age where we will have to find a mate. Not only that, I have to start living up to the Olo’eyktan title soon. I cannot continue running around with you even if you are my friend.”

“Are you hearing yourself, you are such a hypocrite. You say that you can’t run around with me when you are doing the exact same thing with Fipxe.”

Voices now get louder by the second and the aching feeling in your chest gets tighter. So tight it was like you couldn’t get a breath of air.

“That is different! I like Fipxe, you are only a friend”

“Only a friend” echoing in your mind. That is how he always viewed you and nothing more… nothing more. You wanted to burst out telling him that you saw him, loved him. Instead you shoved it so far down into your system, the love and admiration now turning into resentment. You could only blame yourself, insecurities resurfacing. You look at him with bitterness in your eyes. You finally rip his grip off of you as it loosened.

“Leave”

His ears now turned down looking at you with disbelief.

“What?”

“I SAID LEAVE. I DO NOT WANT TO SEE YOU”

Voice hoarse, tears slowly falling. If your younger self were to look at you now, she would be bewildered not understanding why you guys were fighting. Neteyam shook his head and left you alone in the dark. He has never felt this much when it came to you. This night has shifted everything between the both of you.

Striding into your home, tears still falling down your face. Your mother was quick to pull you into a tight embrace.

“He has replaced me sa’nok. I feel as though I am nothing to him”

Her heart felt strained hearing her daughter in such pain. Doing her best to provide words of comfort. She softly rubs your back and caresses your head.

“Maite, one who causes pain is not worth your love. You mustn't shed tears for someone who doesn’t see your value”

Crying turned to soft sniffling. Still in your mothers embrace, you are thankful for your mother for always being there for you. You slowly fall asleep in her arms as she quietly sings you a lullaby. You feel as though you were a child being lulled to sleep.

Neteyam had entered his home, he still hadn't calmed down from the fight. Everyone was sleeping except for Lo’ak as he was unable to sleep after the confession. He saw his brother with a hardened look on his face. He got up alerting Neteyam that someone was awake.

“Lo’ak what are you doing still up, you should be sleeping”

“I could say the same”

Neteyam just sighed, not wanting to talk any further. That was until his brother grabbed his arm.

“Did something happen between you and y/n?”

Lo’ak had his suspicions as it wasn't too long after you guys had been together. His brother's ears twitched, learning that his suspicions were indeed correct.

“What did you do?”

His voice lowered, now feeling uneasy.

“It has nothing to do with you Lo’ak.”

“It has everything to do with me”

Neteyam moved right into Lo’aks face, anger returning to his body. Taking his finger, digging it into his brother's chest.

“It. does. Not”

Backing away ready to go to his corner but froze in place hearing what Lo’ak said.

“You hurt her didn’t you”

Mentally or physically, Lo’ak didn’t know worrying him further about your well being. Neteyam grabbed him, dragging him outside not wanting to wake anyone.

“Why must you always involve yourself when it comes to me and her huh?”

Confused why Lo’ak must always insert himself between you and him.

“She means everything to me, seeing her hurt because of you hurts me”

Neteyam now understood, Lo’ak likes you. Another twinge in his chest returned, not knowing why.

“Do you know how many people she turned down because of you”

Now confused as to why you would do something like that. Lo’ak seeing that his brother looked confused.

“You seriously are dense aren’t you?”

Seeing as his brother still does not understand what he’s getting at. He suddenly exclaimed your secret.

“SHE LIKES YOU, YOU FUCKING SKXAWNG”

Body still, unable to process what had just been yelled. Multiple thoughts spinning in his head. Had he really been that oblivious to your feelings? When did you ever start feeling this way? Why didn't you tell him?

“You know, she tries to keep a strong act in front of you even if it hurts her. When she saw you with Fipxe she felt as if she was replaced Neteyam, REPLACED. Instead of telling you how she felt, she just left it alone wanting you to be happy. That was until you and Fipxe were somewhere you weren’t supposed to. I don’t know if you realise this but you barely have time for her anymore. That certain place was the only thing that still kept you guys together and she was content with that even if it meant you being happy with someone else. But you had to go and ruin that. I may be someone who is known for making trouble but never did I expect it from you. Whether you were blind to see what you were doing to her, you still hurt her in ways you can’t imagine. She comes to me and ends up crying BECAUSE of you. Brother I love you I really do but I cannot forgive you for hurting her. I will take your place if I have to.”

Feeling out of breath for speaking his mind, he left Neteyam outside heading back in with disappointment tracing his face. Neteyam just stood there not moving an inch. Still trying to process all the words that Lo’ak had remarked. You liked him? You felt replaced? He made you cry more than once? He sat down burying his face in his hands letting out a strangled sound. He felt tears now welling up in his eyes for some reason. Blaming himself for straining their friendship. Now he was thinking if things had been different if you had told him how you felt. He never really thought much about how he felt towards you. In his eyes you had always been just a friend but it didn’t explain why he was envious towards Lo’ak for being there for you.

Most of his life his main goals were to be a good Olo’ekytan - but being so busy he completely disregarded your feelings. He made it his goal to try and talk to you again any time he could. He quietly went into his sleeping space. Laying down he couldn’t sleep, instead just staring at the ceiling still thinking about the argument earlier with Lo’ak. Eyes now feeling heavy, he fell asleep determined to talk to you.

Being the next morning, you had gotten up extra early wanting to avoid a certain person at all costs. You didn’t want to see him after the events from last night. You felt both upset and embarrassed, upset from him being stupid and embarrassed from your sudden outburst. Not once did you want to think about him, you busied yourself by doing your daily chores and even assisting others wanting to stay busy.

Neteyam had been busy now returning to his daily training and chores. He had been distracted all morning even ignoring his father’s words, which ended up with him getting yelled at. He could care less, he had kept his eye out for you wanting to speak with you. When he did spot you, he tried calling for you but he got ignored in return. His father called him to come back, he only turned for a second but you disappeared from his view. This continued for the rest of the day, only for him to stumble across you talking with Lo’ak. You had a smile on your face, the smile caused by Lo’ak. He couldn’t help but feel… replaced. Was this how you felt when you said you felt replaced? He had thoughts that he should be the one in Lo’aks spot right now. The one to make you smile, not cry. Taking in Lo’aks words from last night, he was serious about taking his spot.

You had been avoiding Neteyam like a plague. Every time he spots you, you quickly disappear from his view. It kept repeating until you fumbled into Lo’ak, he caught you in his arms.

“Oh shit, sorry Lo’ak”

Apart from catching you, you also dropped some of the fruit you were carrying. Kneeling down gathering the fruit once again and Lo’ak helping you.

“No need to apologise. You seem awfully busy today”

He said in a teasing tone. You couldn’t help but sigh.

“Blame that on your brother”

His smile fell. Giving you a soft look and helping you up from the ground.

“Let me help you today hm?”

“Oh no I couldn’t ask that of you, you’re probably busy with your own chores as well”

“It is no big deal, plus I’m sure you could use the company”

He bumped your hip returning to his teasing manner. He saw a smile appearing on your face. It seems like cheering you up had worked, even his tail couldn’t help but sway. You felt undeserving of Lo’ak, though you appreciate his efforts in cheering you up. From the corner of his eyes he could see his brother, he was quick to act. He guided you away asking what you had to do next. His hand on your lower back made a fluttering feeling in your stomach. Instead of pushing the feelings away, you now welcome it. Ever since the night of the confession, it was like something changed within you. You were still conflicted with your feelings yes but things you do with Lo’ak just felt right, like it was meant to be. I know cliché am I right? But it did.

For the rest of the day, Lo’ak had assisted you in all your chores even playing around every so often. For once your mind wasn’t filled with Neteyam and negative thoughts. With Lo’ak you could really act your age instead of feeling like an adult.

Neteyam had given up for the day. You being with Lo’ak had made him feel weird feelings he doesn’t usually experience. Jealousy? Normally it didn’t bother him that you were around other men - knowing you were with his brother who liked you had him feeling this repulsive feeling. While lost in thought, Fipxe had come up to him.

“Neteyam?”

Being pulled out of his thoughts, he looked around seeing Fipxe standing behind him. He put on a small smile.

“Oh Fipxe hi, did you need something?”

“Oh no, it just looked like you were spaced out and wanted to check if you were okay”

He couldn’t help but feel bad. Fipxe is such a bright girl, extremely nice as well. He knew she meant well and he wanted to talk to her about some private matters. He knew at some point he would have to tell her about that certain spot as well.

“I don’t know if I'm okay. Would it be okay if we talked, there’s some things I needed to talk to you about”

She nods a bit, sensing that something was wrong. They walked together to a small secluded area and sat down.

“What is it that you wanted to talk about? I’m not in trouble am I?”

Trying to be a bit humorous seeing that the atmosphere is a bit dull. Seeing that he did not smile, she knew the matters were serious.

“No nothing like that, I am just confused. But there is something else I must speak about before I start the other matter at hand.”

She could only nod again urging him to continue.

“The place that you found, the small pond in the secluded area. That place was a very special place to me and someone else. Someone else being y/n.”

Guilt had filled her system not knowing the area was someone's private hideout.

“How come you didn’t tell me? I would’ve understood, I know how close you two are”

Hearing her say that she would’ve understood made him feel even worse.

“I do not know, I thought it would be okay if we stayed for a tiny bit but I lost track of time”

She saw that he now had a solemn look, she felt bad as well but it didn’t justify what he did. She also predicted what he may be confused about, you.

“I'm guessing you are also conflicted about her aren’t you?”

Fipxe felt sad knowing that she was right seeing his surprised face. Except she wasn’t taken aback, she has seen the looks he gave you. Looks full of endearment, his eyes even dilated when he looks towards your direction. Only problem was that he couldn’t see it himself nor see that it also hurt Fipxe at the same time. She had hoped it was just a small feeling as she really liked Neteyam too. Fipxe knew it all ended at some point, cherishing the moments she shared with Neteyam.

“I’m sorry, Fipxe. I’m not sure what to feel anymore, everything has become so complicated. I feel as though our friendship has deteriorated because of me.”

“Neteyam, I like you a lot. I want you to know that. I’ve seen how you look at her. You should try talking things out with her, even if you are not together the least you can do is stay friends. I know the friendship is very dear to you but you cannot like two people at once”

He thought hard about what he should do. He turned to Fipxe and thanked her, pulling her into a hug. He apologised once more before they parted ways. He was nervous to say the least, trying to think of what to say once he was finally able to catch you. He decided that it was best to wait till the next day feeling tired.

Nearing the eclipse, you and Lo’ak had finished up your last chores. Huffing with content you turn to Lo’ak who also did the same.

“Thank you for helping me today Lo’ak, I really appreciate it”

He took your hands looking at you with a smile.

“Always. If you ever need me just shout and i’ll come running”

Cheeks heating up to a faint purple colour. Looking at his eyes, you never realised how pretty they were. His stripe patterns were unique, and you couldn’t help catching a glimpse of his lips. You snapped out of thought. Now it was your turn to be a mess in front of Lo’ak.

“Oh um uh, sorry for staring, I uh I should start heading home. Don’t want my mother nagging me”

He couldn’t help enjoying the adorable sight of you fumbling your words in front of him. He felt his chest blooming knowing he had an effect on you. For some reason he had a surge of confidence. Before you could turn away to walk home, he caressed your face and gave you a peck on your forehead. It was like time froze, wide eyed you stared at him with shock. Now Lo’ak was flushed with purple, surprised himself. He was now fumbling over his words.

“Um yea I should get going now too, yea. Uh goodnight”

He quickly turned around and started striding away feeling embarrassed of himself but also giddy. You are still standing in place, hand slowly touching your forehead right where he kissed. Both face and ears are bright purple, thoughts running “oh my god, he just kissed me??” A wide smile appears on your face, you couldn’t even control your tail. You finally started moving towards your home with a little pip in your steps. Opening the flaps entering, your mother sees you radiating a positive energy.

“You are unusually happy. Did something good happen?”

Facing your mother with a wide smile still present on your face. You didn’t want to tell her just yet making up a lie for your current mood.

“Oh nothing much I just had a good time with my chores today. I can be happy while doing chores, right?”

The excuse was horrible but your mother knew best not to question any further.

“Well it would be a bit odd but there are plenty who find joy from doing chores”

She was glad to see her daughter happy once again. Even though she doesn’t know what or who caused you to smile like a madman. She could only laugh while shaking her head going back to making accessories. You on the other hand couldn’t stop thinking about it. You cringe at yourself for acting the way you are but it was hard not to.

Lo’ak had made it back home also feeling ecstatic. It was only his siblings that were here while his parents were out on what they call a “date night.” Kiri noticed him first with his positive attitude.

“What’s gotten you all weirdly happy?”

Neteyam ears perked up, head turning to the happy Lo’ak.

“Oh it's nothing you need to know”

Tuk now joins the conversation curious why her big brother wouldn't tell them.

“Lo’ak pleeeaasse, I want to know too!”

“Mmmmm nope”

Denying them again with a loud popping sound. Kiri tried convincing him one more time as they were all wondering about his uppity attitude.

“Come on Lo’ak. How about you tell me only, I won’t tell anyone else I swear”

He thought about it knowing Kiri won’t stop pestering him about it. Soon enough he just sighs giving in. He walks over to Kiri and whispers into her ear about his interaction with you. Her eyes widened with her jaw dropped. She had always known about Lo’aks little crush on you but for him to actually act on it was unimaginable.

“Did you actually?!”

She punched his shoulder as a happy gesture. He only nods his head with a smile while rubbing his arm. Neteyam was now even more curious, wondering what he had told Kiri.

“Who knew, I thought you would wuss out if you ever got the chance to do that”

Tuk so desperately wanting to know the secret started pulling at Lo’aks arm.

“I wanna know too! Please Lo’ak, I promise I won’t tell either!”

Giving him puppy dog eyes, he was debating whether or not to share with his baby sister. He decided against it mainly because he knows Tuk won’t be able to keep to herself for very long.

“Sorry Tuk but only Kiri shall know. Plus you aren’t good with secrets especially with you snitching on me to mom”

She pouts and murmurs to herself saying that she’s good at keeping secrets. He chuckles at the sight while walking over to his sleeping mat. Neteyam plans on asking Kiri later about what the secret was knowing she wasn’t good at keeping secrets from him.

“Anyways, I bid you all goodnight”

They all looked at him like he was crazy. This was the earliest Lo’aks ever gone to bed. Neteyam took this chance to ask Kiri what the secret was. Before asking he double checked that Lo’ak was passed out by poking him. Satisfied with no reaction he walked over to Kiri.

“Kiri, what did Lo’ak tell you?”

She wasn’t sure if she should tell him knowing that you and him were close.

“I don’t think It would be a good idea if I told you”

That got Neteyam thinking of what the secret may be. Lo’ak won’t tell him, Kiri doesn’t think it's a good idea for him to know. It only really meant two things, either Lo’ak fucked up one of Neteyams personal items or it’s about y/n. He took a wild guess between the two.

“Is it about y/n by any chance?”

Kiris face only confirmed his suspicions.

“It is…”

Kiri brought him outside away from Lo’aks sleeping figure. She thought it would be best not knowing how Neteyam would react.

“You have to promise me you won’t get angry or anything like that okay?”

Although unsure, he only nodded faintly mentally preparing himself for the worse.

“Okay, Lo’ak told me that he finally got the chance to make a move on y/n”

Kiri quickly blurted it out. Neteyam wasn’t sure what to feel. Kiri saw that he wasn’t reacting much not knowing if that was a good sign or not.

“Neteyam? Are you okay?”

He waved her off.

“I’m uh I’m okay, could just leave me to think for a little bit?”

She wasn’t sure if he was okay to be left alone but she complied heading back in. Neteyam on the other hand, again was conflicted not knowing how he should feel. Lo’ak made a move? On you? He didn’t notice his tail twitching with agitation, and his ears turned back. Is this exactly how you felt when you had the feeling of replacement? Most of his life, Lo’ak had gotten an easier life even if he got in trouble often. Now he’s slowly taking away his closest friend. He wasn’t even sure what you guys were anymore. More determined than ever, he was going to talk to you tomorrow no matter what.

Waking up you felt more refreshed than ever. Saying a quick morning to your mother before stepping out. Memories from last night are still fresh in your head, a purple hue now taking over your face again. Today was an off day for you, you planned on asking Lo’ak if you wanted to join you for a stroll. On the way something clicked in your mind, Neteyam. Coincidentally Neteyam was headed straight towards you. You see him in a distance, right as you turn around regretting coming out he yells for you.

“Y/N! I just want to talk, please!”

You weren’t sure what to do. You still had feelings of resentment against him but you also miss him. Except this time, your feelings had shifted, you missed the friendship you shared with Neteyam. You chose to stop, turning to face him now only a mere couple steps away. A little out of breath, he now stands in front of you.

“Thank you, for stopping”

Only giving him a curt nod.

“What did you want to talk about”

Tone uninterested, not wanting to meet his gaze. The view only made him feel regretful, seeing how much their relationship strain had affected you. He decided it was best to get straight to the point.

“I-I missed you, okay? I miss being around you, the argument we had two days ago, I never meant any of it. I do not think you are childish and I regret not telling Fipxe that our spot was special and secret to us only. I finally told her about it yesterday, and she made me realise that you were right about me being in the wrong for not telling her about our hideaway. And, she made me realise how I felt about you…”

The only thing you processed out of everything he said was his last words. Face now filled with discontent, you pushed his chest.

“You cannot do this to me right now! Do you understand how much I had to go through because of you! Neteyam I love you I really do but it is not the same love that I used to hold for you. I miss you as well but not in the same way you do. I’m glad that you were finally able to tell her about the hideaway that was once special but we are way past that now. I miss how we used to be, best friends. What’s even worse about this situation right now is you leaving Fipxe, someone you were COURTING. I truly cannot understand you anymore, I don’t even know if you understand what your feelings towards me are. I’ve moved on Neteyam, I’m happier now but I can’t stay happy if you keep confusing me. I need you to get your feelings in check before you come to talk to me again.”

Not waiting for a reply, you push past him wanting to retrieve Lo’ak. No matter how much Neteyam wanted to pull you back, he only knew it’d make things worse but you were right. He had to figure out his feelings.

Arriving at Lo’aks home, you gently pull the flap back seeing the family eating together. They all turn towards you with small looks of surprise on their faces. Giving Lo’ak a quick glance first before turning to his parents. You made your hand gesture towards them, giving you small smiles. Jake was first to speak.

“Y/n, Neteyam actually just left if you were wondering where he was.”

“oh , I uh was actually here to see if Lo’ak was available to join me on a stroll around the forest?”

Their eyes widen, normally used to you being here for Neteyam.

“We were going to do a bit of training but I think Lo’ak can skip it just for today”

Lo’ak looks at his father thanking him for dismissing him. He stands quickly excited to have another moment alone with you. Neytiri and Jake watch as their youngest son looks at you like you were the only thing that existed in his world. They look back to each other with knowing looks, smiling softly knowing their younger son has someone to look after him.

Walking side by side, you still felt unsettled from earlier. It seemed that Lo’ak had noticed grabbing your hand as a sign of comfort. You looked up to him, giving him a slight grin reassuring him that you were fine. Trying to shake off the feeling, you move closer leaning into him. He looked down examining your face, wanting to engrave it into his brain. When you leaned in, he rested his head on top of yours while you guys continued to walk through the forest. Suddenly he pulled away, you looked at him confused. Lo’ak abruptly started running and yelled out.

“Catch me if you can!”

Snapping out of your small trance you start to run after him.

“LO’AK YOU SKXAWNG GET BACK HERE”

Only to hear him laugh out loud. One thing he forgot about you was how fast of a runner you were. You caught up to him in mere seconds. Getting ready to lunge at him, he took a sharp turn. Which made you end up landing in a small spring. He stopped running and looked around just to see you in the water soaked. He cackled hard.

“I swear to god Lo’ak, I am going to skin you!”

“Hey I won’t help you if you keep threatening me”

You mock his words sarcastically under your breath. He starts walking away hearing your mocking but you were quick to apologise.

“IM SORRY, now help me out! This was your fault in the first place running and everything”

“Fine fine cause you asked SO nicely”

You roll your eyes at him but with a small smile on your face. That smile widening as an idea popped in your head. Lo’ak reaches the edge and puts his arm out to help you out. You were quick to grab his arm now pulling him into the spring with you. A small shriek coming out from his mouth.

“Whos laughing now”

He emerged from the water giving you an offended look. That look turned into a mischievous grin, regretting what you had done you try swimming away from him. He wraps his arms around your waist before you could get any further lifting you out of the water.

“NO WAIT LO’AK IM SORRY. PUT ME DOWN”

“You should’ve thought your plans through before involving me in them”

Speaking “calmly” he proceeds to throw you further into the spring. Emerging out of the water, it was your turn to look offended. You swam towards him, both of you now fighting in the water with laughter spilling from your lips. After a couple minutes, now tired, floating in the water on your backs. Lo’ak went upright treading in the water - he spun around to look at you, your eyes closed embracing the water surrounding you admiring your peaceful figure. Feeling his gaze, you changed your floating stance into treading like Lo’ak.

“What, is there something on my face?”

Asking in a joking tone. Except Lo’ak didn’t laugh, instead he swam closer to you. Purple appearing on your cheeks looking deeply in his eyes, him doing the same. He glances down to your lips, holding himself back not wanting to act on his impulsive thoughts. Rather, he opened his mouth to speak in a delicate tone.

“Would it be okay if I could kiss you…?”

You paused not responding but took action. You connect your lips to his, responding immediately to your kiss he kissed back. The kiss was strong yet soft, you have never felt anything like this. Butterflies fill your stomach and sparks go off in your brain. Breaking the kiss to breathe, you look at each other with adoration now breaking into wide grins.

“Who knew you had it in you Lo’ak”

“I should be the one saying that after you kissed me first”

Both giggling like children, you nod your head towards the edge indicating you wanted to get out of the water now. Drying yourselves off, both of you stealing glances at each other. On the way back, his arm was wrapped around your waist while your tail entangled with his. You never wanted the day to end after sharing such an intimate moment.

Reaching your home, Lo’ak asked if he could ask your mother something important. Though curious on what he had to ask you let him come inside. Upon going inside, you see your mother working on some new clothing items. She turns to see who had entered, seeing you and Lo’ak together hand in hand. A little surprised at the scene before her, Lo’ak greeted her with a polite manner.

“I was wondering if I could ask you a rather important question?”

Your mother nodded, interested in what he was going to say. Neither did you or your mother expect those words to leave his mouth.

“May I court your daughter?”

She abruptly stood up, ecstatic from his question. You were the exact same, your eyes wide open. Your mother quickly ushered him to sit down wanting to talk to him in a more comfortable manner. All of you now settled on the ground, she turned to Lo’ak with a more serious look on her face.

“Why is it you ask to court my daughter?”

“I love your daughter dearly. When I see her she lights up my day like a ray of sun. She is kind, and a compassionate being. She brings me joy and I’m hoping I bring her joy too. I want her to be my mate someday but I want to be able to court her properly first.”

Tears filling your eyes, you felt so lucky to have Lo’ak. Looking at your mother now waiting for approval. Her face splits into a gentle smile.

“I would be grateful for you to court my daughter”

As soon as those words left her lips you jumped into Lo’aks arms crushing him with a hug. He had wind knocked out of him as you hit him with a hard hug. Your mother, laughing at the scene unfolding in front of her. Lo’ak sat back up after being tackled and turned to your mother.

“Thank you”

She only smiles at him knowing you are well taken care of now. You pull him off the ground pushing him towards the entrance. Giving your mother one last glance telling her you’ll be a little while before heading outside. Bringing him into another hug, more affectionate rather than a full on tackle. You tucked your head in his chest, his head resting on top of yours. You could hear his heartbeat, it was beating at a quick rate only making you smile more. Bringing your head out from his chest, you look up to him. Only thinking how much euphoria he really does bring you.

“You do bring me joy just as much as I bring you joy”

You felt as if you were on cloud nine just by admiring him. Today was a new milestone in your life.

While Lo’ak was gone during the day with you, Neteyam spent the time thinking. He was still confused about his feelings and it made him frustrated because he didn’t want to lose you or Fipxe. Instead of moping around he decided it was best to continue his daily chores while he still tried getting his feelings sorted out. Once it reached the end of the day he sat outside waiting on Lo’ak wanting to speak with him.

Lo’ak made it back home still happy from the events that happened earlier. Making his way to the entrance he sees Neteyam sitting out front waiting for him. Neteyam looks up to Lo’ak giving him a sincere yet tired face. He patted the spot next to him asking Lo’ak to sit with him.

“Lo’ak how do you know you love someone?”

Lo’ak was taken aback. Neteyam had always looked strong with walls built around his emotions. Now looking at his brother, he has never seen him so vulnerable before. He can only assume that he was talking about you. He felt sympathetic towards his big brother knowing that this was hard on him too. Turning to him he gave him the most truthful words he could think of when you thinks of you.

“Loving someone isn’t really something you know right away, but when you do realise those feelings it’s like nothing else matters anymore. When you look at them, you see them as the most radiant being ever. Your heart can’t calm down when you’re around them. Your thoughts are always filled with them.”

He took a brief pause seeing that Neteyam’s face finally looked at ease. Lo’ak could see the conflict in him finally settling. He thought now would be a good time to bring you up in the conversation.

“I’m not sure if you love y/n my brother. Yes you love her but not in the way I do. I know how precious she is to you but the way I see it is you not wanting to let her go.”

Neteyam could only smile at his baby brother. He wasn’t sure when Lo’ak had gotten so wise but he was thankful for him using it tonight.

“Who knew my baby brother was so smart with his words?”

He teased ruffling his braids, chuckling softly.

“All the years I've known y/n she always had a special place in my heart. I always saw her as a sister you know? Though the moment I messed up, I started panicking. It was the first time in forever that we’ve had an argument as serious as that. Once she started distancing herself from me and getting closer with you, I couldn’t help but feel envious. I shouldn’t have felt that way, I had no right to do so. I really do like Fipxe and she's helped me through a lot as well. I think two different problems that were so closely related made things harder as it only confused me more. Now that you’re here it seems like you’ve really made things easier somehow. I finally knew how she felt too, feeling replaced I mean. It was definitely not a fun feeling.”

Lo’ak gave him a small punch to the shoulder with a small smile. He was glad he could help his brother instead of it being the other way around.

“Think you are ready to talk to her?”

“Yes, but I can’t help but feel nervous. The last time we talked ended up in an argument which was mostly my fault.”

“Brother I can promise you that it would mean the world to her if you talked to her tomorrow. I know she misses you and I'm sure you miss her just as much.”

They had spent the rest of the night bonding and joking around, catching up on everything they missed out on in each other's lives. Lo’ak had finally told Neteyam about him courting you with a shy demeanour. Neteyam was shocked to say the least but he was proud seeing his brother grow. He was happy for you too, genuinely this time. He knew he would have to talk to you first thing tomorrow. Both brothers yawning, now tired from all the talking head in to sleep. They give each other one more glance before saying goodnight to each other. Finally Neteyam felt light, the burden that was once laying heavily on his shoulders has now disappeared. He finally got a good night of sleep knowing everything will be okay now.

Neteyam had woken up bright and early wanting to talk to you as soon as possible. Leaving quickly while saying a quick bye to his parents, he ran off to see you. Running there he couldn’t tell if his heart was restless from running or being nervous. He bumped into a few clan members apologising to them while still running. All them wondered what had the Olo’eyktans son in a hurry. After a couple minutes he finally reached your home. He saw your mother outside getting ready to leave. He stopped her just before she left asking where you were. She had told him that her daughter mentioned going somewhere with a pond and going on about how she was acting crazy, shoving fruit down her throat causing her to choke on them. He disregarded the last few words but immediately he knew where to go, giving a quick thanks to your mother.

You woke up early, earlier than you usually do. After yesterday you felt amazing but there was just something that felt missing. You thought back to the hideaway and decided whether or not to visit one last time. Feeling a bit hesitant you finally just said fuck it. Your mother was up as well preparing some fruits to eat. You got up ready to leave before your mother called out to you.

“Maite, where are you going so early?”

“Oh i’m just going out to check out a pond real quickly”

“Eat some fruit first, best not to go on a empty stomach”

Even though you wanted to go you knew it was best to go against your mothers wishes. You walk back bending down to sit in front of your mother. She gave you a plate of assorted pandorian fruits. You give your mother a slow look before you shoved fruit in your mouth eating as fast as you could. Your mother looked flabbergasted, and smacked your arm to slow down before you could choke. Except you did choke, now coughing uncontrollably while your mother stared at you with a deadpan look.

“I told you to listen and look what happened”

Your coughing had died down while your mother slapped your back to help you. You thank your mother for the meal and helping you with your coughing. Standing up finally heading out to the hideaway. On the way, you admire the plants around you, never getting tired of the scene before you. Looking at the pond from a distance away, you felt downhearted knowing what happened the last you were here. You noticed your blade laying on the ground, you had completely forgotten about it - picking it up you tucked it away. Slowly approaching, you sit by the edge of the pond pondering how everything changed. You carefully skim the surface of the water with your hand, going back and forth making small waves. Little fishes surround your hand, a smile graces your face. Lost in dreamland, you didn’t notice the figure behind you.

Neteyam was running to the hideaway wanting to see you. He stopped a small distance away seeing you sit by the pond. He felt a sense of deja vu seeing you daydream again. He slowly approached you calling your name softly not wanting to alarm you.

“y/n?”

You heard a familiar voice, your breath hitched not sure if you wanted to turn around. He saw that you flinched, now that his presence was known he walked towards you. He carefully sat down beside you dipping his feet in the pond. You weren’t sure how to react, you thought that it was best to look at the pond instead of him. He knew you wouldn’t talk first so he continued.

“I talked with Lo’ak last night.”

Your ears twitched, taking a small peak from the corner of your eye.

“We talked about you specifically. He spoke with much love about you, it only made me realise what my feelings really were. I love you, I do but it seems as though it is not the same love as Lo’ak holds for you.”

Finally fully facing him, still unsure what emotions were running through you - but your heart bloomed knowing Lo’ak really loves you. Neteyam speaks up once more but in a more delicate tone.

“I have missed my closest friend, and I am hoping that she can forgive me for everything I've done?”

It was like a rollercoaster of emotions that hit you all at once. Tears flood your eyes, you tackle him into a hug. The moment lasted a second before the both of you fell into the pond. You both fell with a scream now fully emerged in the water. You had completely forgotten that both of you were by the pond. Resurfacing, you turn to each other exchanging shocked looks before bursting out in laughter. That missing feeling that you felt earlier had now vanished, you felt complete.

“I have missed you too ma teyam”

It was his turn to now tackle you into another hug, again going underwater. The hug turned into wrestling, until the both of you became extremely tired out. Panting while crawling out of the pond, smiles crawling up your faces knowing that things have been fixed. Neteyam turned to you with a cheeky smile.

“So, I heard that my baby brother is courting you..?”

You felt your cheeks heat up, you slapped his arm.

“He told you already?? And without me? I am going to punch that skxawng”

A chuckle slipped through his mouth.

“I may have to come and watch that unfold”

You roll your eyes at him while shaking your head laughing lightly with him.

“Have you talked with Fipxe yet?”

Ah Fipxe, he wanted to talk to her but he hasn’t gotten the chance, being busy trying to make amends with you.

“Not yet, but I will.”

He took a long pause.

“I feel as though I need to hold off on a mate for a little while, especially with everything that has happened. With more responsibility now building up, it’s hard keeping up with everything going on”

Remorse covering your features, you could only understand to a limit when it came to the pressure he handled as future Olo’eyktan. You touch your fist to his shoulder pushing lightly.

“Come on, try not to dwell too much on all that. You can always rely on your siblings and me. You don’t always have to keep up that stoic act”

Eyes squinting as you give him a reassuring smile. Minutes passed as if they were seconds when talking with each other. Wanting to catch up on anything you missed. He couldn’t help but ask about earlier when your mother had mentioned you were choking on food. You could not believe your mother told him about that. When you explained it to him, you knew he would forever tease you about it. Everything was back to how it was. The replacement feeling now dispersed into thin air as if it never existed.

You had to eventually go back to the village knowing you guys would get too carried away with your talking. Neteyam went to go talk with Fipxe, wanting to work things out and tell her about his situation of not wanting a mate for the time being. She understood and they hugged it out. As for you, you went to Lo’ak. Spending the rest of the day with him, finally settling into a small grassy area, laying down looking at the stars. Arms draped across Lo’aks chest while you lay on top of his arm. A calming feeling when listening to his heartbeat. You look up to him, chin now resting on his chest.

“Oel ngati kameie”

His infectious grin grew wide, he leaned down to give you a chaste kiss on your lips. Finally pulling away, looking deep into your pretty eyes.

“Oel ngati kameie atan”

Everything was back in place.

#neteyam x reader #loak x reader #neteyam x oc #avatar the way of water #neteyam sully #loak sully #fluff #angst

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levmada · 1 year

Note

You have such a good perspective on canon!levi, how do you do it!! 🥰🤩 the cold weather has made me think fluffy thoughts... sooooo....

What are your thoughts on post-war levi needing some help with cutting his hair? He can manage, but it's probably harder to do, right? Does he even keep the undercut? Uh-oh, maybe the top grows out enough for a bun. Is this the first time he lets someone other than his mother cut it for him? Does it mean something to him, or does he just not like other people messing with it? If he needed help, he probably wouldn't ask, you'd just have to get in there and do it... and then it would just be a part of your routine together. I need to hear your thoughts!!

Also happy new year 😘😘

xoxo

happy new year!! idk how this post got so srs but here we are.... i promise... its fluffy towards the end...

//internalized ableism, mentioned suicidal ideation, some minor manga spoilers + hinted ch132 spoiler | wc: 1.0k

He didn’t get to cut his hair (I bet) for that month he was in the forest with Zeke. And then after the final battle, he’s in the hospital for some long months while his face heals (did you know that face wounds heal super well compared to other flesh wounds?), he gets multiple surgeries on his knee, and treated for the internal bleeding caused by the explosion (remember when he coughs up blood in the manga?), etc. The point is, he’s in the worst shape of his life.

And in all that time, his bangs grow to fall over his eyes all the time. They don’t like to stay pushed back over his forehead, either, and the prickly stubbled part of his undercut gains length. The longer tail in the back has creeped down his nape.

This is one more thing to constantly unsettle him. Routinely he’s always cut his hair every two weeks on the dot if he can, and he’s never let it get bad enough to grow out this much, not since he was a little kid.

He’s always cut his hair himself, too. At this point he’s firm in the belief that he’s the only one who can get it right, and on top of Levi’s stubborn independence and his newly realized weaknesses, means he’s defiant to letting even you (who has stuck to his side since he was admitted) trim it. You can count on one hand how many times he let you help with it in the past.

“I’ll cut it for you,” you offer out of the blue, for the hundredth time.

He, who’d been half-dozing in his hospital bed, grunts to show his distaste. The majority of the bandages are off his face, except for the white wrappings hugging one of his eyes. Unfortunately, Hange’s stitches had been removed, and restitched. Levi got extremely irate with the doctor who explained to him that the work done was shoddy, like whoever that’d done it seemed to be in a rush.

Either way, it still feels strange to talk with the cleft in his lips. “You’ve done enough for me.”

You stroke his uninjured hand. The other is still bandaged. Recently, he went through another small surgery to get them properly amputated to the second knuckle to prevent nerve damage and infection. (I’m so fucking sad.)

“The most I’ve done is just be here,” you say meaningfully. “Please let me help, ‘Vi.”

For the most part, Levi has been completely numb since the war ended. Maybe he’s still in shock, like the professionals say, but he has had the suspicion that he’s broken... That is until you beg him so genuinely. A familiar affection for you pulls in him. It reminds him. Not broken.

He blinks at you, and sighs deeply through his nose. “Only if… it’s not too much trouble.”

“Never. I already asked for the proper tools.”

He deadpans a little, affection growing. “Fine.”

Smiling, you give him a kiss.

Levi huffs. He’s stronger than he was since being admitted. With a few pillows fluffed up behind him, he sits up with relative ease. His socked feet brush the floor, where he stares down, deliberating.

“You shouldn’t—”

“If you get that fucking chair, forget it.” He raises his head and glares defiantly at you. “I’m not a shitty baby. I can fucking walk.”

You never said he was, never even implied it, but you understand why he’s lashing out. So you compromise by sitting down beside him, and sliding your arm around his waist. He hooks one of his over your shoulders, saying nothing as you together maneuver to stand. The bathroom is a few paces away, but to Levi it feels like miles as he heavily favors his good leg, causing him to hobble.

His cheeks burn in humiliation. Not because you’re helping him, but the fact that he needs help in the first place. He doesn’t even let the nurses do this.

In the same way, all the meaning of this favor to him isn’t in you cutting his hair. It touches him that you’d go out of your way (in his mind) yet again for him, as difficult as he knows he’s being. Has been.

He hates that his body’s this way now. Mangled beyond recognition of how it used to be, how it used to work. He’s left broken parts. Damaged. He’s permanently useless forever, he thinks. The resulting burden makes him think at his darkest moments that it would’ve been easier on himself and everyone else if he just died after killing Zeke. His duty was done. It would’ve taken long enough.

This occasional slew of dark thoughts have grown more common since he’s had time to do more or less nothing but think. When he remembers that everyone he fought beside, including and especially you, were thrilled that he was recovering, he feels a horrible stab of guilt. He should be grateful. The Titans are gone. He should be at peace, overjoyed. He doesn’t deserve to feel this much pain considering everyone else who lost their lives. Everyone close to him is dead. But, except you. Except you.

(I need to get back on topic.)

In the bathroom, he braces himself using the counter, his bad leg raised as you drag a regular chair inside.

“Same as always?”

“Yeah.”

He thought he’d feel even more pathetic that he can’t even do this with two less fingers and his eyesight, but he finds himself… relaxed for the first time in ages. More placated whenever your fingers card through his hair, occasionally scratching affectionately as you go about trimming, then buzzing his hair way down near the base of his skull and around his ears.

You’re slow and careful about it, and Levi finds himself holding onto that.

When his hair is fixed, the style as he always had it, he feels a shred better. Your eyes meet through the reflection.

“Thank you,” he mumbles.

Later in the future, when Levi is out of the hospital (which he leaves on crutches), and enough time has passed to partway recover and re-establish a new routine in your lives, you still cut his hair the majority of the time. His eyesight messes with his field of view—it’s a task to land kisses to your lips, let alone cut his hair straight. So even though he’s ambidextrous, that doesn’t mean much.

Every two weeks, same as always, you stand behind him with a towel laid out for the stray hairs, and wordlessly set about doing it for him. He could grow it out, but he much rather prefers a few things staying the same as they’ve always been. Including his hair. Especially you.

#aot drabbles #levi ackerman drabble #levi x reader #levi x you #levi ackerman headcanons #levi ackerman angst #aot spoilers #snk x reader #levi ackerman x you

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ari-kari · 1 month

Text

hey. gnarly gender stuff below. wouldn’t recommend reading if you are triggered by gender doubt, detransition, sexuality, negative body talk, and surgical malfeasance. oh and also light gore. sorry it’s going to get kind of weird

so I’ve been quietly stepping away from id’ing as trans for a while now. which is a subject that probably needs its own post, all things considered. but there’s one aspect of my (de)transition that is causing an enormous amount of stress in my life, and I’m genuinely not sure how to handle it. so I figured blabbing about it here might help me get some clarity.

anyways. let’s talk titties.

my first top surgery in 2022 was botched. dog ears, massive janky nipples, bizarre incision site choices - it was a whole deal. I got a revision last year (from the same surgeon lmao) that fixed a lot of things, but unfortunately it made other problems significantly worse. So while aesthetically things are much better than they used to be, I still consider myself to be botched. I haven’t taken my top off in public since it happened, and I don’t see myself doing so any time soon.

For a long time, I assumed that this was my only problem; some asshole small town doctor had messed up my results, and now I felt uncomfortable in my body. But it slowly began to dawn on me that things were more complicated than that. Because when I imagined myself being intimate with someone with perfect, stellar top surgery results…I still felt horrible. To the point where, even with nipple prosthetics, I haven’t felt comfortable enough to have sex since my revision 9 months ago.

So now we get into the crux of the problem. Which is this - I do not feel desireable without breasts. Not to myself, and not to others. And to be honest, I knew this would be a problem even before I got the surgery, but I went through with it anyways. Because desireability is small potatoes when it comes to the horrors of gender dysphoria, right? In my mind, I was being vain to put my intimacy concerns over the pursuit of my “true self”. Everyone with dysphoria had to “fix” it eventually - I couldn’t just not get top surgery.

But like…fuck, dude. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten top surgery.

I prefer my body without breasts. It feels much more “me”, especially when I’m alone. But I don’t feel hot. I don’t feel fuckable, or beautiful, or attractive. And I’ve been trying to chip away at it in therapy, but I haven’t really put much of a dent in it, and it’s bringing up some really hard questions that I no longer feel capable of ignoring.

Honestly? My confidence in my sexuality is a big fucking deal to me. I’m someone for whom intimacy of all kinds is really important. And even though I know that there are PLENTY of people who find flat chests attractive, I personally do not. And it’s seriously starting to fuck with my head.

Idk man. Insurance is able to cover reconstruction for me due to a federal loophole, but there’s no way in hell they’re going to fix my jacked-up nipples on their own. And I’m seriously beginning to question if a little gender dysphoria might be worth the relief of finally feeling confident in my own skin again. I have a consultation appointment in June, in either case. So in the mean time, I just have to…figure this out. No biggie.

Anyways, that’s my spiel. I’ve been wearing prosthetics for a while now and tolerating them fairly well, but I recognize that having something physically attached to you is a whole other ball game. So we’re just gonna keep on trucking and see what happens 🫠🫠🫠 either way I have a funny feeling that the “perfect” answer I’ve been seeking to this problem does not exist.

#personal #gender dysphoria #detransition #body horror #body dysmorphia #i need to sleep lmao #also obligatory ‘my detransition story is not meant as an indictment of the trans movement as a whole’ etc #mental health

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writingwithfolklore · 1 year

Note

Hello. How can i write better dialogues while writing in English? I am not a native speaker, which makes it difficult for me to write dialogues.

Hi!

This one is a bit tricky! I only know one language so I don't have a great reference for what's it's like to translate between them, but I would guess that a good place to start is to read others' work and pay attention to how they craft dialogue, and to listen and talk with native English speakers. Just practicing, continuing to write, and trying your best is going to keep making you better until dialogue starts to just come natural to you!

Otherwise, here's a few tips on how to quickly improve dialogue:

Don't ever let the characters say what they're actually thinking.

This is expanded upon a whole lot more in my subtext post, but the essential rule for dialogue in fiction is that characters never say what they mean. For example, if Character A really wanted Character B to admire them, they would never say, "Hi character B, I'd really like you to admire me." It sounds very forced and clunky, right? Instead, they might say, "I have a 98 average in History, ask me anything." Or otherwise perform an action (showing off, boasting, etc.) to gain what they want from Character B.

If you stick to this rule, your dialogue is going to improve tenfold.

(Oh, and truly genuine moments where characters say exactly what they're thinking, "I love you." "Please don't leave." must be at your most impactful, momentous point. Save the genuineness for then!)

2. All characters want something from the other person

Unlike in real life, characters always have a goal to their dialogue. Since we never write anything without a purpose, every time a character speaks it must be with intention. Their goal may be: gain sympathy from their partner, get ahead in the competition, get the job, convince the cop to let them go, etc.

This is why we never really see, "hello" "hi" "how are you" conversations in fiction--real people speak all the time without a specific reason for it, but characters don't. Just knowing what the characters want from each other is a great point to start writing their dialogue.

As well, they are constantly employing strategies to get what they want, such as: pleading, yelling, crying, expressing, begging, etc. Dialogue is formed from characters attempting their first strategy, and either getting what they want, or choosing a new strategy, on and on until they either win (achieve what they want) or lose (don't achieve what they want/other party wins.

3. If the conversation is petering out, the problem is lines behind.

This one is a bit odd, but trust me on it. If you're halfway through the dialogue scene and something just isn't right--the conversation isn't flowing very well or has taken a turn you weren't planning, the problem isn't in the last line you wrote, it's probably near the beginning of the conversation. Try figuring out which lines are the steerers and which are just responders. Steerers are the lines that change the direction of the conversation--add something, or adapt it. Responders go along with the dialogue but don't change its direction.

You likely have a steerer that's taken it the wrong way. Fixing that will fix the problem.

Best of luck to you! Please don't hesitate to reach out if you need more help!

#writing #writers #writing tips #writing advice #writing inspiration #creative writing #writing community #books #film #filmmaking #screenwriting #novel writing #fanfiction #writeblr #dialogue #writing dialogue #troubleshooting your dialogue

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abnormalityjoseph · 1 year

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SAGAU Idea Part 2: Electric Boogalo

SAGAU, but [Reverse] Isekai type beat

Can you imagine the Genshin Characters being thrown into the reader’s world instead of the other way around?

The chaos

The way I’m thinking of is more like.. some of the characters suddenly appear in the reader’s house world. Like they broke out of the game

Temporarily, ofc. At least initially

Since, while they’re in the reader’s world, that character(s) presence seems to disappear in the reader’s game.

Just— the reader vibing, watching some anime or smth, then Thoma just walks out of the closet confused as hell

“Hello there!” “WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE??”

Both parties confused as hell

Are they dreaming? Are they dead? What?? How??

Since this is SAGAU the character(s) that show up prob think they’re dead. Since they’re meeting their creator/overseer/the player and that shouldn’t be possible—

But… Funny slice of life opportunities? Where the reader has to house whatever character shows up until they leave

If the reader does want to help them figure out a way back or not…can vary

And the point in time the characters show up could vary as well!

Like, you can meet a Post-Sumeru Scara, Raiden Shogun before the Inazuma Quest, Signora before she goes all Crimson Witch, etc! At all can vary!

That also means the interactions can differ. Awkward, funny, angst, crack-fic-esque, angst, angst/comfort, you get the idea.

The amount of time a character is in the Reader’s world can also be insanely different. You’ve got Thoma there for less than a day, and then Razor’s there for a whole week. It’s wild

Not to mention if there’s more than one character that showed up—oh boy, that’s gonna be hectic to manage.

When the character(s) return home, it can be weird for the reader

But it’s probably weirder for the Reader if a character keeps coming back with all the memories of what happened before

So it’s not a dream or hallucination. Lovely.

If the Reader gets Isekai’d into Teyvat, they would get a very big welcome party. And a lot of people who would be willing to show them around, as you did help them while they were in your world.

But if the Genshin Cast get’s isekai’d into the Reader’s World?

Oh boy..

They’d have to teach everyone about the world.

Some of them have to work, because you can’t support such a large group without help.

Also have to explain to the cast just how popular Genshin Impact is, so they’re going to be seen as cosplayers if they don’t change up their identities and looks.

Ofc the cast has been aware they’ve been in a game, but this is…a lot to take him

And probably a big ego boost for some of the characters, since people seem to love them so much.

The cast have to realize that, divine or not, they’re all now on an even paying field.

Not to mention they can’t use their visions openly, lest more suspicions are made by the Reader’s Neighbors

Tbh, the entire cast could do a ‘group Cosplay’ channel where they’re all ‘cosplaying’ Genshin Character’s to do vlogs and possibly make some cast.

And use of their visions can be passed off as video effects

If they do that, the cast would probably be very popular in the Genshin community for being the Cosplay Icons.

Bonus points if you also have to explain the fandom shenanigans

“What’s a Scaranation? What the fuck?”

“Is there..a reason? Why all of the anemo boys care being called an idol group..?”

“[Reader], what is a ‘simp?’ And why are there so many of them?”

Extra bonus points if whenever a new character enters the Genshin story they show up at the Reader’s house as well.

You’ll need one big ass house to keep all the Genshin Characters under one roof. Rip to the wallet.

Now, imagine the crossover potential in SAGAU

Reader is from the Bungo Stray Dogs Universe, Port Mafia Executive. Cool right?

Not cool when characters from the Reader’s favorite game (Genshin) start materializing in the real world.

Try explaining that to the rest of the PM executives. Good lord.

Random opinion but I think Scara would love Q to death.

Meanwhile the Armed Detective Agency is investigating the strange case of ability users, that look like characters from a video game, are appearing in the city.

Oh! Or a Twisted Wonderland Crossover type beat! People that the Reader knows, who many assume are also from their world, started appearing and now Night Raven College needs a new dorm to house all of them.

For these crossovers, imagine if the worlds were actually merging. Or well— mixing in some ways

People are getting visions, slimes are causing havoc, teleport waypoints are appearing along with the statues of the seven

And the only way to revert it would be to send the Genshin Cast back.

How would they react? Would there be a permanent gateway established, or would it be a one way thing? Would the Reader choose to stay in Teyvat with them?

Oh but someone would totally say “Hell no” and start trying to prevent any progress of sending them back.

#Joseph’s Think Thonks #genshin sagau #SAGAU #also sagau crossovers are talked abt here but dw abt it #sagau brainrot lmao #no but crossovers would be the same #except it’s SAGAU #which doesn’t change much

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palfriendpatine66 · 6 months

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20 Question Fic Writer Tag

1.) How many works do you have on ao3?

19, soon to be 20! ( three are just little prompt fills/drabbles that I’ve considered removing but also – I want to be able to find them again just in case they ever turn into something more so.)

2.) What's your ao3 word count?

306, 375

3.) What fandoms do you write for?

Star Wars. That’s it, and probably all it will ever be (except for my crazy crossover aus). It’s a full time job over here.

4.) What are your top five fics by kudos?

DX:Lovesick (I had a really weird moment when this passed PIP in the kudos count. Like, I love it and was really proud of it, but also: how dare it). Anakin is an accident prone college student who winds up in the care of one very hot Dr. Obi-Wan Kenobi

Pining in Preschool: My first ever fic (started exactly one year ago!) Anakin is trying his best to be a good dad to his twins, and that probably means he shouldn’t be falling for their preschool teacher.

Hide Here Often: This is bottom Obi-Wan smutty one shot

Helicopter Dad: This is a continuation of Pining in Preschool: 4 times that Anakin was a Helicopter parent and one time Obi-Wan beat him to it. I’ve been intending to do a part two with Obi-Wan ever since, but it hasn’t happened yet.

With a Cherry on Top: This is a ridiculous continuation of Pining in Preschool – Obi-Wan and Anakin get in a fight about eating in bed that results in a sex ban until one of them backs down. Spoiler alert: it ends with a sexy food in bed scenario because *of course* if they break they have to prove a point about it

5.) Do you respond to comments? Why or why not?

I try to always yes. I used to have a 100% track record, and I really wish I was maintaining it. Comments are my lifeblood. I literally cannot tell you how important receiving comments is to me, it’s like, a problem honestly, and so it’s definitely something I want to encourage. I try to always respond to a comment at least as an acknowledgement of “I appreciate you were here and took the time to let me know you liked this”. BUT also I genuinely love engaging about my fics and am more than happy to go on my “Author’s Commentary” spiel at any given moment.

Life’s kind of been shit lately, and I’ve had a hard time if I don’t respond to comments right away as they come in they get lost in my inbox. Also. ADHD.

6.) What's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

OoOoOo Window AU – to be revealed tomorrow. I don’t have the ending for Criminal Minds fully written, but even though it might be a “happy ending” it’s not going to be a happy ending, if you know what I mean. OH BUT if I ever write my post order 66 Obi-Wan on Tatooine vague idea for which the working title is “Obi-Wan Sads”. Yeah. That will probably be the worst.

7.) What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Hmm. Pining for Preschool probably. It ends on a very high note, although also it’s not really an ending because I continued it into a potentially never ending series that seems to be 90% fluff after the angst I put them through in the original fic.

Also Center Stage (dance au)was a happy ending for sure.

8.) Do you get hate on fics?

No, generally all my comments are very positive. There was a weird moment in DX:Lovesick where I wasn’t necessarily getting the hate but Obi-Wan was, and he was getting a lot of it. I wasn’t upset by the comments so much as I was worried that I didn’t write well/clear enough to convey the situation as I thought I was, but I settled on people are going to read their own situations into stories and interpret it differently than intended and that’s okay.

9.) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

Yes. The Obi-Wan and Anakin kind.

10.) Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I had a fit of insanity and wrote an Obikin Titanic au.

11.) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

I hope not. That would be sad

12.) Have you ever had a fic translated?

I don’t think so no

13.) Have you ever cowritten a fic before?

Nope! I think I have too much anxiety to commit to doing this, even with the right people. Put expectations on things and I just…can’t.

14.) What's your all time favorite ship?

IDK man. Kovu and Kiara from Lion King II: Simba’s Pride

15.) What's a WIP you'd like to finish, but doubt you ever will?

Right at the time I started writing PiP I started a time travel (?) au that resulted in amnesiac Knight Skywalker as master to padawan Obi-Wan Kenobi right when he rejoins the order after returning from Melida/Daan, instead of rejoining Qui-Gon. I would be shocked if I ever get back to thin, I really jumped the gun and there’s so much of it I don’t have in me, but…there’s still something about it that calls to me.

16.) What are your writing strengths?

I always feel super awkward answering this, but I feel pretty good about capturing Obi-Wan and Anakin’s voices, especially their internal voices (if that makes sense) so that they still feel like them in other universes

17.) What are your writing weaknesses?

Oh gosh. I am learning as I go. Outlining/having a plan and sticking to it vs. just winging it as I go along. Knowing where paragraphs should start and end – which feels like you should just *know* but I don’t. Descriptions.

18.) Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

Great! But I’m not fluent enough in anything to do it

19.) First fandom you wrote for?

Star Wars – Hiiiii!

Also, though, the only other stuff I wrote was Star Wars but the year was 2005 and it was for an audience of one (me!). Your Pal was a nerd who carried around a little notebook and wrote down every piece of jedi wisdom and quotes I encountered while I wrote about Obi-Wan and his OC apprentice who was *definitely*not*me* (their name was literally an anagram of my name lol) on their long term undercover mission on Earth, among other things.

20.) Favorite fic you've ever written?

This varies by the mood. I genuinely love Pining in Preschool, and it will always have a really special place in my heart. Dx:Lovesick was a very fun ride, I really and truly enjoyed writing it and I feel like it holds up. Right now I’m pretty attached to Criminal Minds, for a completely different dynamic and take on obikin.

No pressure tag to @renlyslittlerose and @grapenehifics

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modern-inheritance · 9 days

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Modern Inheritance: Bittersweet (The Meadows Incomplete {for now})

I'm probably going to lose steam on this so here, you guys can have it for now! And I'm being obnoxious and posting a few song lyric chunks before the story. Because let's get it feeling like 2008 in here, why not!

Arya is in the Dream State, waiting to live or die, and is drawn into another place. Fäolin is there, but he can't be. He's dead. And all elves know, the dead stay dead.

But what if he was there, somehow. Just...there.

~~~~~~

Maybe they will come and take us both But I'm hoping, praying, we can just lay low Give me one more summer by your side I'll be happy for the rest of my life

Time's the biggest enemy Every night I lay with you is bittersweet If you go you know I'd lose my mind See, nothing, nothing can prepare me right

When I wake up in the dark, I'm in your arms

If I die before you Promise that you'll keep me Safe inside your memory never let it fade If I die before you it won't be a goodbye Wait until the next time That I see your face

~Before You, Seven Lions ft. Dia Frampton

~~~~~~~~~~

“What do you think you’d have done?”

Fäolin tucked his chin over his mate’s shoulder. She was so warm. “Hm?”

Arya couldn’t help the annoyed click. “Stop that.”

“You said you’d pretend.” He seemed to take some joy out of pointing it out again. She felt it in the way he smiled, the edge of his mouth so close to her throat. “Humor me. Or yourself, if you’re going to be stubborn as always.”

Arya rolled her eyes. Giving in to a dead man. Rhunön would laugh her out of the forge if she ever got back. “You’re such a smartass.”

That smile widened. A soft, electric kiss to the joining of her neck and shoulder. “Part of what you loved about me, remember?”

Her fingers toyed with his where they wrapped around her upper arm, holding her to his chest. The smooth backs of his fingernails. The calluses from decades of playing that damn guitar still tucked in the corner of the shared flat back in Ellesméra. Every detail she remembered, could still see in her minds eye.

“What do you think you would have done if you’d survived?”

Fäolin’s chest stopped its steady rise and fall.

The beats against her spine trailed off.

She hadn’t noticed. Thank whatever was out there, she hadn’t noticed.

Instead Arya scoffed a laugh, rough and tinged with the sour note of reality remembered. “Right. You can’t answer a question I don’t know the answer to. Caught you.”

The dead man let his eyes slide closed. “No, it’s….” Warm. Still her, even in this mindscape. He buried his face in her neck and tried to etch it, that feeling, into whatever was left. “You don’t want my answer.”

“Oh, come off it!” Arya shoved his forehead. Not angry, almost playful. “If you’re not gonna answer me then I might as well go back to the tent. I’ve got nothing better to do here.”

No, no, don’t go. Don’t go yet.

The woman shifted slightly, readjusting herself as he pulled her closer and just…held her. He felt so much like Fäolin, those lean arms, the ticklish scratch of his oft mocked facial hair against her skin. She had never told him that she actually liked the scruffy look, the hint of roughness it gave his elvish features after they spent extra time in the field.

Just pretend.

“I would have given up.”

There wasn’t whispering here, nor shouting, nor anything else but thought and memory. But it was still quiet, breathed hesitantly into her shoulder.

So she had to be sure.

“What?” She twisted in his arms, pulled back a little to take in his face.

He let her, hands dislodged, eyes down. “I…I would have given up.”

Arya pulled away completely now, turned to face him in a crouch as her mind struggled to wrap itself around the words. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

Fäolin shrugged and his shoulders refused to rise from the slump. “I don’t think….” He caught himself, fumbled with the memory-that-was-not-memory, the inexplicable feelings and fear and emotions that shouldn’t have been possible. “I don’t think I would have gone back to the Varden. I wouldn’t have. I’d stop fighting.”

She stared at him. He could feel that. Sharp, burning, but still not quite believing him.

“No.”

He finally looked back. For the first time, Arya saw that his eyes appeared…hollow. “We can’t lie here. And you asked–”

She was already pacing away from him. “I can’t believe I let myself even pretend that you’re him.” The venom in her voice was sharp, anger at herself more apparent than she had realized consciously. She let out a tight bark of laughter, admonishing her own foolishness.

Fäolin rose to his feet. “Arya, I’m sorry.”

“No! You don’t get to talk anymore!” The elf woman whirled on him and jabbed a finger towards his chest. Despite being paces away, he swore he felt it. “This! This is my brain giving me proof, showing me that you’re just a fucking figment of my imagination. The real Fäolin, my Fäolin, he would never give up like that.”

The words stung more than anything that had touched his physical form. “I’m real.” He pleaded, striding after her, trying desperately to turn her back to him as she moved away. “Arya, I can’t lie to you here, I promise you, I’m real–”

“For fucksake, just shut up!” Arya planted her back to him, arms crossed. “Get out of my head! I’ve already proven it, you’re not real, you’re not him.” She shook her head and tilted her face to the twilight sky of her mind and memory, did her best to ignore the lump in her throat. The disappointment. The fury. “My Fäolin, the real one, he believed in the Varden, our fight, he believed in–”

“In you!” With the cracked cry Fäolin spun her around and seized her face in his hands. The shock and doubt in her eyes burned into him, dropped his voice back to a pained whisper as he realized he couldn’t stop now. He couldn’t take it back, even as he saw the new fears blooming in those damn green eyes. “I believed in you.”

“What?”

Oh, his little margay. The girl he had found in the meadow, the lanky rebel that had trounced him in sparring and knocked him off his feet in more ways than he could count, the silly, clueless woman who hadn’t understood half his advances, even the flowers, until he blatantly asked if he could kiss her that night in the branches of the Menoa tree. The blush when she finally, finally realized what all the fuss had been about the last three damn years, why Glen had been laughing at her every time Fäolin came by, her own butterflies when she spoke to him.

And Fäolin wondered if he had just shattered them, shattered her by blurting out those first two little words.

“I…” The space forced him, forced his words and thoughts out in a ragged whisper. Sincere, aching, true and so, so painful now that he had to say them. “I believed in you, Arya. I believed in your fight, in your beliefs, in your war.” It all came tumbling out now, a rush, the things he hadn’t said but had been lingering there for decades. “I’m not you, I’m not Glen, I couldn’t just fight for…for everything! I had to fight for something I could see, someone, and I fought for you, you’re everything I believed in, you’re–”

“No” Her voice broke.

“I’m sorry–”

“You’re not real.” Shit, she was begging him. Holding on to his forearms, already shaking her head.

“Arya, please–”

“No, no. You can’t be him.” She tried to pull away but he held her there, unable to let her go, not like this. “He wouldn’t– The real Fäolin, he wouldn’t–” Lightning flickered in her eyes, wild, afraid, yet still, finally, finally understanding. And he hated that she did. “You…wouldn’t….tell me….”

She yanked away from him, pushed him, hard, and stumbled back. “Stars above, you died because of me. You died because of me!”

It hit him harder than that fucking cannonbomb his wards took the first time he was on the battlefield. He saw it in her eyes, those damn beautiful green eyes, she believed that to be truth. “No! Arya, no, never–”

“You can’t lie. You can’t lie, you said it! You died because of me!” Gripping her head, Arya took two more fumbling steps back, away from him, away from the hurt. Her temples throbbed. Something was wrong. She could feel her bones, they felt like glass, if she moved–

“No! Never! Never that, never say that–”

“Then why?” She could barely get the words out. She was breathing so fast, so hard, how was that possible, here of all places? Her heart felt like it was about to burst, and it wasn’t just because of the man before her shattering her entire world again.

“I wanted to do everything for you, with you, I’d do it all again! Please, love, come back to me, please–”

“I killed you. I killed you, I killed you, IkilledyouIkilledyou–”

“Arya, STOP!”

Pain. Her body was just pain. Blood in her lungs, slowly, slowly creeping into her airways, the crystal glass of nerves exploding and burning, white hot ice and fire and lightning and every tiny movement was pain–

His hands caught her shoulders as her knees gave out. She reached to him blindly, fumbled until she followed his arms and gripped his shirt at the collar. Her chest burned like trying to breathe through a damn pinched IV tube, gasping, choking.

“You’re making yourself worse, just…look at me. Look at me!” Fäolin let her right arm go just to grab her jaw and wrench her head up. No no no, she was bleeding, there was blood running from the corners of her mouth, the outside world manifesting as her control slipped. “Look at me, love, come on. Breathe with me, that’s it.”

He forced his chest to rise and fall. Slow. Steady. Like Glen had taught him.

Arya didn’t look away. Dug her fingers into the back of his hand on her face and struggled to mirror his motions.

“That’s it. Again!” In. Out. “Keep going.” In. Out. “You’ve got this. Lock in. Stay here.” In. Out.

Arya swallowed hard as the pain ebbed. She closed her eyes and reached out to the tethers, repaired the rifts, strengthened the seams that connected her to the Dream State, the tent, her body.

Something…someone…was there. Hovering. Doing the final checks.

Soft guitar wafting through the wildflowers, the low croon of his sonorous voice, the playful poking of his elbow where she leaned back to back with him till she joined in, the melodies rising and falling on the gentle breeze–

“For you, for you! Oh my love, these words ring true. With every breath, every sigh. Oh you’re my reason why.

You’re my reason why.”

And then she was back in the meadow, shivering, face buried in his shoulder where he lay in the grass again, clinging to him. Her Fäolin. The real one. The only one.

The dead one. Knowing that she would have to let go.

“It was my choice.” He pressed his lips to the top of her head, lifted her face to his. “My decision.” He kissed her forehead, her nose, her eyelids, kissed away the tears, her cheeks, and finally claimed her lips, even as they trembled and kissed him back just as fiercely. “I always had a choice.”

Fäolin held her tightly, savored the weight of her body pressed against his, the grip of her arm across his chest. Tried to etch this feeling, this eternity, into whatever was left of him. If there was one thing he wanted to remember it was this, it was her, even if memory was a hopeless wish in the void.

And said what he knew she would need, even if it wasn’t what she wanted right now.

“Arya, I love you. I loved you till the moment I was gone.” He kissed her again, tried to blaze that feeling into his spirit and soul and whatever he was now. “I know you loved me. And when the time comes,” He pressed his forehead to hers. “You’ll find another me.”

Suddenly cold, Arya jolted.

The canvas of the tent. She snapped upright and hissed as an IV in her arm yanked at her skin. She ripped it out, casting her eyes around.

An infirmary tent. An instinctive response to the momentary lapse.

…Empty.

Sore. Tired. Hollow. Arya lowered herself back onto the cot and slowly put her face in her hands.

“You’re the only you I want.”

#eragon #inheritance cycle #the cyclists #the world of eragon #the inheritance cycle #modern inheritance #arya #arya drottningu #modern inheritance stories #ket's modern inheritance cycle #faolin #fäolin #arya x faolin #arya/faolin #i rushed it and i'm tired and hungy let's just give it to the people

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lyrabythelake · 2 years

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Three Out of Four Ain’t Bad

I wrote this a while ago for the anniversary writing competition on discord and completely forgot it existed until I look through my files earlier! Anyway, seeing as I probably won’t be posting drabbles for a little bit, I thought I’d post it here

“Don’t panic,” says Red, “he’ll turn up eventually, just you wait.”

“And if he doesn’t?” Green’s harried pacing back and forth is somewhat deterred by the boulders that litter the ground. “Let’s face it, as much as I hate to admit it, we can’t function without Vio.”

“Maybe it’ll be nice,” says Blue, picking dirt from beneath his nails in a manner far too casual for their current predicament, “not to have anyone bossing us around, telling us what to do.”

“Oh, Blue, you don’t mean that—“ Red begins as Green halts violently mid-pace and advances on Blue.

“That kind of thinking is what got us into this mess,” he growls, prodding his forefinger into Blue’s chest. “Stop pretending this isn’t all your fault!”

Blue’s eyes narrow in familiar anger.

“My fault? Oh, really? Because that’s not exactly how I remember it.”

“Guys,” says Red helplessly.

“How do you remember it then? Because if I recall, you said some really nasty things to Vio last night, and now he’s gone!”

“Guys!”

“It was warranted! You agree with me, I know you do, you were just too scared to say it!”

“Me? Scared?! There’s never been a day in our life where I’ve felt scared. I just didn’t want an argument to cause discord between us, and—oh, look, it did.”

“You—"

“GUYS!”

Green and Blue eyes snap to Red, their surprise at his uncharacteristically forceful tone enough to halt their argument.

“Someone’s coming,” Red hisses. “Listen.”

Sure enough, the sound of footsteps and the unbridled chatter of several people can be heard approaching rapidly up the mountain.

“Oh, Din’s freaking firecrackers,” curses Red. “It’s them. What are we going to do?!”

“Just say ‘fuck,’ Red,” Green says tiredly. “I think the situation warrants it.”

“What do you think would happen if we tried to combine just us three?” Blue asks as if with only mild interest in the prospect.

“Let’s do it,” Green says, without more than a second’s hesitation.

“Are you sure?” asks Red, growing noticeably more anxious as their friends near. “Is it even possible? What if—”

“—We don’t have any other choice unless we want to reveal our secret, and we shouldn’t do that without Vio. Now, hurry up! Let’s go!”

With much hesitation from Red, the three hold their swords out between them, the pointed ends touching in the centre.

“This is so wrong,” mutters Red, and the others don’t have to agree out loud. This ritual they’ve performed dozens of times looks entirely incorrect without Vio there, like a jigsaw missing one of its central pieces.

They close their eyes and let the power of the Four Sword rush through them, their colours converging into one bright light; green, red, blue, and—

They give a collective gasp at the feeling of Vio’s lacking presence. It’s like expecting there to be an extra step at the top of a staircase when there’s only thin air, except worse than that, like their foot falls through nothing and keeps going. It’s like falling off a cliff and never reaching the bottom, tumbling through a void, and—”

“Could you stop with the dramatic metaphors, Green, it’s not helping!” shouts Blue, and none of them are sure if it was said out loud or in their mind as they finally intertwine completely, their minds melding into one consciousness.

Four stands doubled over, hand grasping the edge of a boulder as he tries to catch his breath.

“Well, that was harrowing,” he mutters. He feels off balance, like his centre of gravity isn’t quite what he’s used to. His mind is more jumbled than it has been for years with one of its integral counterparts missing.

“Four?”

A glance shows Warriors emerging over the top of the mountain, Wind behind him, followed shortly by everyone else.

“Oh good, you’re here,” Sky notes, obviously deflating with relief. “We were worried about you. We woke up and you were gone!”

“Yep,” says Four, scrabbling to find coherence within his jumbled thoughts. “Totally here. All present and accounted for, no need to worry about us— me, I mean me, because I am one, whole, single entity…”

Smooth, a Blue coloured thought deadpans with only a small amount of amusement. It’s difficult to think of himself as one person when his thoughts are grating on each other like this.

“Err…” begins Wild, face contorted with confusion. The remaining seven faces aren’t far off mirroring it.

“Are you sure you’re alright?” Warriors asks with a frown. “You seem… off.”

Four, coming to the conclusion silence would be better than… whatever that was, simply nods.

“You changed your tunic,” Wind notes casually.

Four widens his eyes and glances down at his outfit, and—huh, well isn’t that that interesting. Instead of the usual violet that graces the bottom right, there’s a plain, unembroidered green.

“I feel like you’re kinda monopolising on our fashion choices now, Green,” a blue thought mutters.

“What was that?” asks Legend.

“Nothing!” Four says quickly.

Oh, holy hecking Hylia, a red coloured thought thinks, they’re all staring at us. What are we going to do?!

“Time?” he says suddenly, looking over at the one person who knows his secret. “Could we—I—talk to you for a second?”

Time raises an eyebrow, eyes flickering from his face to the extra green patch on his tunic then back again. Four isn’t entirely sure how much he’s deduced, but he nods once before turning back down the path.

“You aren’t going to share with the class?” Warriors calls after him as he follows Time. “You can’t just run off like you did last night, Four, something could’ve happened.” Just as Four starts to drift out of earshot, he hears him sigh. “Fine. I guess we’ll wait here then.”

Time stops behind a large boulder, the others out of both sight and hearing range. The slope is steeper here and the view of a parallel mountain range spreads out in front of them, a dark, jagged line on the overcast horizon.

“What’s going on, Four?” Time asks, straight to the point.

“Vio’s missing,” he says hurriedly, all the panic of the last couple of hours released in that one admission.

“Vio, as in…”

“As in Violet. As in a quarter of my actual mind and personality. He also happens to be the part that provides clarity and calmness and, you know what, I’m just going to say it, the only part with any kind of rationality” (A blue coloured growl sounds angrily in his head at that) “so I’m kind of freaking out!”

“Hm,” Time says contemplatively. “That does sound like a problem. Why did he leave?”

Four hesitates.

“We had an argument last night. Blue thinks Vio’s too… controlling, I suppose. Dominating. He told him to back off, let him lead for a change, and, well, I guess he did. Literally. We woke up already split, Vio missing, and we ran before anyone could see us.”

He runs a shaky hand through his hair.

“I don’t know what to do, Time. This has never happened before; I didn’t even know it was possible. What if something’s happened to him?! I feel all weird and off balance and not myself, and—”

He pauses as Time puts two hands on his shoulders and looks him in the eye.

“Four? You need to calm down. We’ll find Vio and figure this out. Take a deep breath.”

Four does, forcing tranquillity where it usually comes naturally.

“Have you any idea where he might go?”

Four thinks. He sorts through his jumbled, contradicting thoughts, through the empty spaces where Vio’s input should be.

Red thinks of the Minish who are always ready to welcome him for dinner when he’s having a bad day. But the landscape here is barren and rocky and he hasn’t seen a single one since they began ascending this mountain.

Green thinks of Vio’s affinity for high places, the wind in his hair and the clarity of mind that comes with being closer to the sky. But this whole damn place is high in altitude; there’s no way to narrow it down.

“I don’t know!” he says frustratedly. Time opens his mouth to reply, but stops suddenly, tilting his head, seemingly listening for something in the distance

“There’s a commotion with the others,” he says. Four can’t hear anything, but Time’s senses have always been better than his. He looks at Four guiltily. “I need to check on them, but I’ll come straight back.”

Four sighs.

“I may as well come with you.”

As they traipse back up the slope, the sounds Time had heard become audible to him. But instead of the scuffle of battle he expected, there’s no clang of swords against shields, just an overexcited babble of conversation.

He and Time peak the hill, and the others come into view. Their attention seems to be focused on one figure. One small, colourful… oh. Oh no.

“I don’t understand, though!” he Wind cries, throwing his arms up in the air. “Why do you keep changing your tunic, Four?!

Time tugs the real Four (or three parts of the real Four) behind a boulder, just as Twilight says, “And you still haven’t told us how you appeared from the opposite side of the mountain to where you just left.”

“So, I found Vio,” Time whispers with a lopsided grin.

“Oh Hylia,” Four replies, heart fluttering madly. “This was his plan all along. Lure us away only to swoop in and replace us completely. That conniving, grape-coloured little—!”

“Don’t worry,” Time stops him calmly, though humour still plays on his lips, “Leave this to me.”

The next thing he knows, Time is striding towards the group of heroes, clear anger in his gait.

“Four!” he shouts, making eight faces snap towards him. They’re noticeably startled; Time’s anger is not something to be trifled with, and even if it isn’t entirely real, it’s certainly convincing.

“We were in the middle of an important conversation, it was completely irresponsible of you to run off like that!”

Vio is wide-eyed in the presence of Time’s shadow, and the others stare with varying degrees of grimaces.

“Um…” Vio starts. “I’m sorry, Time, I—”

“Come with me,” Time interrupts sharply, and wow is he laying it on thick. “We have matters to discuss.”

Vio has no choice but to follow with wide-eyed apprehension as Time turns back to Four’s hiding place with a double-eyed wink meant only for him.

As they round the boulder and his other three quarters come into view, Vio lets out a huff.

“Well, that didn’t last long,” he mutters.

“Work this out,” Time tells them firmly. “I’ll distract the others.”

Four nods at him appreciatively before closing his eyes and concentrating on separating the three parts of his mind. It’s easier than usual, like they were never really meant to be together in the first place. It’s a relief to be split again.

“What in Hyrule were you thinking, Vio?!” Green hisses.

Vio narrows his eyes.

“I wanted to prove a point. You can’t last a day without me, admit it.”

“We admit it,” says Red immediately. “Now can we please stop fighting?!”

Blue scoffs but doesn’t argue further, resigned to the fact he won’t win this argument.

“No,” says Green slowly, and Blue looks at him in surprise. “No, I think this needs to be said. Blue’s right in a way, Vio. You need to understand that you can’t survive without us either. We’re four parts of a whole, we should be on equal footing, and it hadn’t been that way for a while.”

Vio, ever level-headed, takes a deep breath and nods.

“I think my time away from you proved that just as much as it did my own point.” He turns to Blue, meeting his gaze with cool clarity. “I owe you an apology. I’ll take your concerns without fuss next time. You’re right, we’re all as important as each other.”

“Thank the Goddess!” Red says, a little hysterically. “Now can we please use the Four Sword, we’ve been separated from Vio far too long, I’m starting to feel queasy.”

With a smile, they stand with their swords pointed inwards. Red, Green, Blue, Violet, just how it’s supposed to be.

#lyra writes #linked universe #linkeduniverse #lu four

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ipsen · 9 months

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Blank Canvas Chapter 6

Read on AO3. Summary: Kaneki breaks the law to see a serial killer. Word Count: 4183 Chapter 7 Chapter 5 Master Post

Kaneki left his and Hide’s apartment at midnight.

What was he doing?

He caught the final trains to travel from the 12th ward to the 23rd.

What was he doing?

Armed with little else but his wits and his bag, he crossed the now-empty streets and into dark alleys as per Takatsuki’s helpful, if cryptic, directions.

What was he doing?

And that was how he, Ken Kaneki, also known as Haise Sasaki, came to stand in front of the fence around Cochlea, the prison for life-sentence and death-row inmates, at 2AM on a midsummer night with Sen Takatsuki.

Apparently, she had a contact on the inside that could get them a conversation with certain inmates, but they had to visit outside of operating hours to do it. Which was definitely illegal and, worst case scenario, could land them in the very prison they were about to enter.

“Um, T-Takatsuki…” He swallowed. “When I said I was ‘curious’ about meeting a serial killer—”

“No time like the present!” Before he could continue, she, in a surprising motion, scrambled up the fence and landed safely on the other side. Oh, she was athletic too. Huh. Wait, this was not the time for that. He— They— really shouldn’t be here.

She wiped her hands on her skirt and glanced up. With the addition of the lights around the prison, he saw she had low-hanging pigtails for tonight. It was a cute look stop. “You coming, Haise? I’m leaving you behind if you don’t.”

“I-I—”

“If you’re worried about getting caught, I’m pretty sure we can take a guard or two.” The burning lights of Cochlea cast a sharp shadow over her face, but Kaneki knew she was grinning. “‘Strength in numbers’ and all that.”

“B-But—”

Takatsuki turned on her heel and started walking away, forcing him to choose between leaving her alone and standing in the dark and quivering in his boots alone.

With his fists like iron and an utter of something between a groan and a warcry, he ran at the fence and scaled it with ease, though he landed with an uncomfortably loud thump.

She whistled. “Impressive. You honestly didn’t strike me as the athletic type.”

“M-My friend’s always dragging me to her judo classes,” he admitted, rubbing his neck.

“Huh…” There was a beat as she digested the information. Was there something weird about that? He hoped not. “I see. Well, come on, then. Don’t wanna be caught with our pants down.”

Right, right. She led him to the side of the visitors’ center. The whole time, his gaze darted this way and that, half-expecting a security guard to round the corner and ruin their lives forever. The past few months had been one thing, but breaking into Washuu property was an entirely different thing. And the way Takatsuki talked about it made it seem like she’d done this before.

Who was she?

They arrived at a small door with a ‘STAFF ONLY’ sign on it. Takatsuki boldly reached out to turn the handle when she noticed something.

“Shit, they added a keypad,” she muttered. “Well, he probably knows it’s us.”

Who was ‘he’? Before Kaneki could ask, she cleared her throat and rapped her knuckles on the door, nearly making him jump out of his skin. “Big Bin!!” she called way too loud. “It’s me!”

“What are you doing?” he practically hissed. “What if someone hears us?!”

She laughed. “We’ll be fine.”

It did nothing to assuage his fears. She took the time to inhale the scent of their new surroundings and did a twirl. It would have been mesmerizing in any other setting. “Exciting, isn’t it?”

Was it? His pounding heart and sweaty feet begged to differ. “We could get arrested…”

“And?” She glanced at him. “They won’t catch us if we’re smart. Plus, Bin will cover us when it comes to security footage, so I wouldn’t worry.”

If everything went according to plan, then yes, Takatsuki made a good point, but—

“You’re already in; I really don’t see the point in lamenting it now.” The door made a clicking noise and she opened it, giving him no choice but to follow her in. “And it’s not like we’re stupid enough to take anyone with us.”

They seemed to have entered some sort of electric room based on the unpainted walls and the loud hum of a large metal box nearby. The lights were dimmer than outside but no less white, and Kaneki occasionally had to duck to avoid a stray pipe going from wall to wall.

They came to another door, and she led him into the main hall, which looked much more visitor-friendly than the outside. He felt a bit more at ease in the space, and took a moment to calm himself and breathe.

There was a reception desk, and manning it was a man with sunglasses and wild black hair, which clashed with the collar shirt and belted pants expected of security guards. “Hey, Sen.” He yawned. “I see you’ve brought company this time.”

“Big Bin!” Takatsuki waved back, trotting to the desk. “This is Haise! He’s my artist.”

“Oh, this is the artist, huh?” Big Bin looked him up and down. “Name’s Bin.”

“P-Pleasure,” Kaneki gave a quick bow.

Big Bin wore a sympathetic smile. “First time, eh? Sen, you sure you shoulda dragged him here? I mean—”

“He’s here, isn’t he?” Takatsuki tapped Kaneki’s arm and made him flinch. “It means he’s got guts.”

Kaneki scratched his head. “I guess…”

Big Bin looked between them for a moment, then shrugged. “Alright, I’ll get you set up with the… Priest, was it?”

Kaneki blanched.

“Yep!” Takatsuki chirped.

—

The Priest, an infamous serial killer otherwise known as Donato Porpora. An immigrant from Russia, his M.O. was an unmarked cross atop the victim’s neatly folded clothing. The body itself was butchered and fed to the orphans he cared for. In a strange twist of fate, that same act of taking lives was the one to save his own; he had taken such good care of the orphans that he was not placed on death row and instead placed in Cochlea for the rest of his life. That was thirteen years ago now.

He was also the one responsible for killing Kurona and Nashiro’s father.

Kaneki and Takatsuki were taken directly to Donato’s cell, where the only thing separating them was a makeshift desk and a sheet of glass with holes on top for ventilation. The rest of the room was made of solid steel. Peering behind the glass, Kaneki noticed the tiny bed Donato slept in, along with a small table against the back wall with various books and writings organized neatly on top of it. For a crazed killer, he was surprisingly organized.

“Sasaki, just so you know,” Big Bin’s words echoed in Kaneki’s head, “he may be out of practice, but he ran a confessional at his orphanage. So whatever you do, don’t let him get inside your head.”

Donato was doing some stretches when Kaneki and Takatsuki walked in.

“Well, well, look who it is,” Donato said, grinning as he took his seat. “I was told I had a visitor, but I suppose it was only ever going to be you.”

Takatsuki gave a practiced smile: the one Kaneki knew as fake. “Hello, Donato.”

He crossed his legs and chuckled. “Come to pick my brain again, then? Though I can’t help but notice you’re not alone this time…”

“This is Haise; he’s my new assistant for my next story.”

Donato made Kaneki feel as though he were being undressed by gaze alone. “Oh? And here I was, thinking you had retired; I’m glad to be wrong. These last three years have been rather… lacking without your work on the shelves.”

“You’re too kind.” She took out her notepad and sat down.

“I must know: why go to me again? I thought everything I told you last time went into The Black Goat’s Egg and The Hanged Man’s MacGuffin.” He grinned.

Kaneki swallowed. He thought the mother’s murders in the story were familiar. The gruesome descriptions when she cut up her latest victim evoked almost a sort of ritualistic carving, like a butcher brutally but cleanly severing a pig’s head. Now he realized those descriptions had had a primary source.

Takatsuki’s expression shifted to one of rare annoyance. She spun her pen between her fingers to focus. “You didn’t tell me everything, so I’m back. Simple as that.”

Donato, brow raised in amusement, gestured for her to continue.

“What’s your opinion on people in your profession getting hired?”

Kaneki gaped at her. Just like that?

Donato just chuckled. “You certainly come up with interesting ideas.”

“I am a writer,” she quipped, returning to that pleasant but tight smile. “I just want to make sure I’m representing your trade properly. Nobody likes a fish out of water unless they want to eat it.”

“Well, I suppose I would be lying if I hadn’t received my fair share of offers in my time,” Donato checked his nails, recalling what might be considered better times, “but if you’re going to ask who those might be, I cannot help you.”

A shadow crossed her expression. “Oh, I don’t need names. I just need to know what sorts of targets you got. Were they political figures? Celebrities? The homeless? Were you offered anything overseas? How about—”

Donato listened carefully to each query, but his gaze wandered to Kaneki soon enough, and Kaneki shifted in his seat.

“Sen,” he said, putting up a hand to stop her. “I will answer your questions, but I will require something in exchange.”

Takatsuki’s brow furrowed, almost like she was glaring. “Depends.”

“I’d like to ask your assistant a few questions. Preferably alone.”

It took all of Kaneki’s willpower not to point at himself. Him? Alone? With a serial killer? Sure, there were measures to make sure Donato didn’t strangle him through the glass and use his bones as a lockpick, but— alone?

“No.”

“No?” Donato repeated.

“You heard me. No.” She stood up. “I guess I’ve wasted my time. Come on, Haise.”

“You haven’t even given him a choice,” Donato pointed out. “At least hear him out.”

She hesitated, but glanced at Kaneki. “What do you think?”

Kaneki frowned. It seemed unlikely they would get another opportunity like this; Donato clearly knew something about what she was asking. It would be key to progressing the story forward. While the main character, Fushimi, and his investigation were generally laid out, the nature of the antagonists— the mysterious lobbyist organization called the Hierophants— and their serial killer partners were still a mystery. If Donato could be of any help, then a simple request seemed paltry in comparison.

Yet for some reason, Takatsuki was ready to give up that information. All because of Kaneki’s inexperience. It was his fault. As usual. Hide still paid Kaneki’s half of the rent. Touka and Yoriko still gave him free pastries. Even at his own job, he still got free meals out of it when he went with— no, he didn’t go with; he followed, like the mindless sheep he was— Takatsuki. He was still a burden.

No more. She needed answers, and he was tired of being helpless.

Takatsuki shrugged. “I guess that’s no deal, Donato. We’ll just be—”

“I’ll do it.”

Now it was her turn to gape at him. “Haise—!”

“I-I’ll do it!” Kaneki declared a little louder.

“What’re you—”

“The boy’s spoken, Sen.” Donato grinned a little wider. “I think we should respect his… tenacity.”

She lingered on Kaneki for a bit longer, searching for something or trying to decide what to say. But nothing came out of her mouth.

“I-I’ll be okay. Really.” Kaneki hated how he stammered, but he wanted to make her feel a bit more confident in him. He had to be his own person.

Eventually, she relented, and she stood up and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I’ll be in the waiting room. Don’t stay any longer than you want to.”

It was reassuring at best, and frightening at worst. “I-I won’t.”

“I mean it, Haise.” There was a strange aspect to her voice, like a trembling tower before it collapsed.

He nodded and gave her his best smile. It was returned half-heartedly.

She shot a look at Donato he couldn’t decipher before stepping out of the room. The light in the room hummed above them, and without Takatsuki’s voice and energy filling the air, Kaneki realized just how suffocating it really was. This atmosphere would drive him crazy if he stayed long enough; he couldn’t even begin to imagine how Donato could live here.

“She’s charming, don’t you think?” Donato looked amused.

“I-I suppose so.” Kaneki rubbed his chin idly. That was an understatement, in his opinion.

“This is your first time in Cochlea, isn’t it? What do you think?”

He shouldn’t answer the first question, but the second one was probably okay. “It’s large.”

“Hm. So it is.” Donato glanced down at Kaneki’s bag. “What do you have in there?”

Definitely don’t answer that.

“Allow me to guess: books.”

Kaneki tensed up, and it was over.

“It was an easy guess, don’t worry. Sen prefers company with other readers.” He stood and walked to the back of the room, picking up one of the books there. “I find myself agreeing; intelligent company is often more pleasing than not.”

Kaneki hated how much he agreed. People who read books and understood their content were surprisingly few and far between. It was why when Rize left him— No, stop that. That’s in the past.

Donato chuckled and took his seat again. “There’s no need to be so tense, Haise. You can be honest with me; it is not as if I will be leaving this place.” He gestured to the egregiously shiny walls and thick glass separating them. “And even if I could, I doubt there is a comfortable life awaiting me. Always on the run, with no way to truly and peacefully enjoy my favorite pastime… No, those days are long gone, and wishing for them will not bring them back.”

Pastime, as in murder. Cannibalization.

“It is better here, where I get two meals and an hour’s worth of exercise a day. On weekends, I even get taken to see the sky.”

And he would repeat this until he died in this very cell. At that thought, Kaneki’s brow furrowed; even for the man who made Kurona and Nashiro’s lives miserable, it seemed a bit much to treat anyone like that. At some point, even the death penalty seemed more humane. “Is… Is that all…?”

Donato laughed. “Is that pity I detect, Haise? Sen certainly has a strange taste in friends.”

He cradled his hands, and started pressing down on his knuckles, one at a time, with the opposite thumb until it cracked. Kaneki winced each time. He wondered if Donato had strangled Mr. Yasuhisa with those hands. What did it feel like, taking someone away from everyone they cared about? What did it feel like, knowing that one action could permanently change someone you’d never met?

“I was given a copy of both The Black Goat’s Egg and The Hanged Man’s MacGuffin when they were released, as compensation for the information I provided. It was… enlightening, so to speak.”

Crack. Crack.

Perhaps Cochlea had served as inspiration for the latter book. Donato’s routine, if it was true, was lifted directly from reality to be placed on the page, though with some minor changes to appear more cruel and unusual.

“For a moment, I almost felt as though there was finally someone on the other side of my cell that saw me—” Crack. Crack— “or at least, they saw my situation.”

With every finger done, he rested his hands back in his lap and smiled. Kaneki was made even more uncomfortable by it.

“They must have caused quite the stir amongst the masses when they released in the order they did. She always has been a bit of a boat-rocker. Ever since she was young…” Donato trailed off, his gaze passing Kaneki and settling elsewhere. “Ah, but that is not my place to say. We are never truly alone except with our thoughts.”

“You… knew her as a child?” Kaneki couldn’t help but ask.

“Just in passing.” Donato smiled back, but there was a thin coat of poison on his lips. “I do not envy her.”

Kaneki briefly glanced behind him, toward the waiting room. Takatsuki having a hard life was a bit hard to imagine, he had to admit. She was friendly, intelligent, and clearly well off. The idea of someone like that falling through the cracks… Well, maybe it wasn’t so hard after all. Failure due to outside circumstances came to people surprisingly easy. As for the nature of that failure, and how a serial killer like the Priest could know about it— that was the difficult part.

“You seem to still be on edge, Haise.” Donato leaned forward. “I may be out of practice, but I know a thing or two about confessing.”

“N-No thank you…” he muttered, curling his toes in his shoes. “Even if I’m… sympathetic to your plight, you still—”

— killed people. Killed Mr. Yasuhisa. Made Kurona and Nashiro miserable for the rest of their lives. Destroyed homes. Destroyed families and friends. Destroyed.

It earned him another chuckle from Donato. “You seem to be familiar with my work. Am I wrong?”

Kaneki shook his head after some hesitation. “I… know the children of one of your victims.”

“A shame, then.” Donato shrugged. “If it is of any consolation, none of my killings were personal. Not really.”

Kaneki grimaced. It meant nothing. He wasn’t even a victim and it meant nothing.

“I am a survivor, first and foremost. I do what I must to feed who I must, and that includes myself.” Donato’s eyes once again wandered over the exposed parts of Kaneki’s body. “And even if I were out and about, you aren’t nearly close enough to my… type.”

‘Type’, as in ‘victim’. The statement made Kaneki want nothing more than to stand up and leave. But he had to stay so that he— therefore Takatsuki— could get what he had.

“What, um… What is your ‘type’?” he asked quietly.

Donato smirked, as though he were waiting for that question. “What else do you know about my work?”

What was it with meeting people who wanted to test him? “I-I know you fed your victims to the orphans in your care…” he mumbled, fighting a queasy stomach. It was on a documentary Hide and he had watched a long time ago.

“Yes, I did. And what do you know about my orphanage?”

“It was the sole reason you weren’t put on death row.” He rested his chin in his hand. “The orphans were intelligent and… well-fed.”

The orphanage was rather sizable, especially for how it was run by not only a single man, but a priest at that. Feeding all those mouths regularly, even with donations and the other components of a healthy meal—

He glanced up at Donato. “You preferred heavier people.”

Yet as he said it, he also knew that didn’t make sense. He had never met Mr. Yasuhisa in person, but he had seen pictures; Mr. Yasuhisa was wiry in every single one, even in one taken mere weeks before his death.

… Takatsuki had asked if he’d been approached for ‘hiring’. Was Mr. Yasuhisa targeted? And if so, by who?

Donato watched the gears in Kaneki’s brain turn. “Sometimes, Haise, when confronting a ‘child’, one must explore the circumstances of the ‘parent’.”

Kaneki blinked, confused. What did that—

“You will find everything you need in my case file.” He smiled venomously. “Good luck, Haise.”

What? What made him think Kaneki could access a government case file? Maybe it was a riddle; Donato seemed the type to like those. How strange that Kaneki would have something in common with a mass murderer.

He went to the door, but then remembered—

“Mr. Porpora,” he turned back around, “I had a question for you.”

“Oh?” Donato, the convicted serial killer, looked surprised. “Ask away.”

“Why do you help Takatsuki?”

A shadow dashed across his face, lancing through Kaneki and exiting through the door. “Vengeance.”

———

Kaneki found Takatsuki swinging her legs in one of the waiting room chairs, playing with her pen between her nose and lip and reading her notebook. On another day, he would have thought it charming, but Donato’s final words rang in his head, coloring his view.

Vengeance. What did that mean? Combined with her pinpoint question about assassination and the disparity between Donato’s ‘type’ and Mr. Yasuhisa… It couldn’t be a coincidence. She knew something Kaneki didn’t, and she wasn’t telling him.

But why? What wasn’t he supposed to know? Who exactly was he working with?

Who was Sen Takatsuki?

When she saw him shuffle in, she shot up from her seat. “Haise!” She rushed over. “Are you okay?”

“O-Oh, um, yeah.” He was on a slippery slope now; to trip would be to lose everything. “I-It was actually pretty alright…” He needed a plan. He needed—

She gripped either side of his shoulders. “Don’t you ever do that again. Okay?”

What? “What?”

“Donato is dangerous; he’s called the Priest because he was one, and that means he has all the skills that come with it! What you did was stupid and reckless and— and pointless!” She was scowling at him, but her eyes gently wavered. “There’s nothing wrong with a bit of risk-taking, but he doesn’t need a weapon to hurt you.”

Kaneki pursed his lips and looked away. “I-I’m sorry…”

Takatsuki paused, then sighed. “No, no, stop that; I’m sorry. I… got carried away, inviting you here, and I pressured you into doing something you clearly weren’t comfortable with.”

He shook his head and gave a small smile. “Well, we’re already on the other side of the fence, aren’t we?”

“I—!” She sighed again, a defeated smile on her face. “Alright, fine. You got me. Punk…”

He chuckled. “I’ll, uh, take that as a compliment.”

“Sure.” She took out her pen and clicked it a few times. “So, what did Donato tell you?”

Kaneki explained his conversation with Donato to her, but he left out the last part regarding his question and Donato’s answer. She kept her eyes glued to the notebook, taking notes in disquieting focus. She snapped it shut when she was done.

“Alright, be right back; I still have my own questions,” she said, and marched right back into the lion’s den.

Kaneki stared at her back as she disappeared behind the door. She had worried about him and apologized.

She… She cared about him. Him, Ken Kaneki. On some level. Oh, but of course she did. They were coworkers! Coworkers cared about each other. Stupid…

What was he thinking earlier? Donato was a serial killer who probably made his own fun by sending his visitors on wild goose chases. Kaneki, as a new face, was probably a rare opportunity to conjure up something different, especially with Donato’s apparent history with Takatsuki. He was just trying to turn Kaneki against her.

Well, it wouldn’t work.

Vengeance.

It wouldn’t.

———

“It’s rare for you to be so indecisive.”

“I don’t know what you mean.”

“You don’t want him to find out, yet you brought him here. Counterproductive, if you ask me; it’s new for you. Exciting, even.”

“You’re lecturing me about being counterproductive?”

“… We aren’t talking about me; we’re talking about you. What will you do if he finds out?”

“That’s not important.”

“I thought we promised not to lie in front of each other.”

“It wasn’t a lie.”

“Not to me, hm hm hm… Very well, if you will not tell, allow me to guess. You’re afraid of yourself, yet you want to be known. You want others to know what you are, yet you conceal the truth because you are afraid of being let go. And this boy… You want him, don’t you?”

“…”

“It’s so obvious it’s painful, even to someone like me. You’re so easy to attach yourself to someone who might not even understand you; I thought you would have learned by now. Pitiful.”

“… And what about you?”

“Hm?”

“What. About. You? I know you send Amon letters, and I know he doesn’t respond to you. Why would he? You’re the reason he was sent to yet another orphanage, irreversibly separated from his siblings. You’re the reason he has no father, and you will die as the reason. No matter how many times you get to see the sky, no matter how much you can appreciate that your children are looking at the same sight, you will never see them again. You will die alone and unloved, so really, the only thing pitiful here is you.”

“… There you are, •|».”

“Shut up. Now, about your ‘hirers’…”

———

To: Chie Hello, Chie. Can I ask a favor?

#blank canvas #fanfic #writing #and today's cameo is mr crown the clown himself #donato porpora #it's donato

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