#so heterosexual

[eldrigeonsss]

the allegations. just beat them. just do it. beat them.

#jrwi #just roll with it #jrwi riptide #just roll with it riptide #jrwi fnc #jrwi fish and chips #fish and chips #jrwi chip #chip bastard #i love this stupid mf #chip allegations #bro will swear up and down that a date with his fish friend is the greatest prize they have to give #so heterosexual #so so normal

[lgbtlunaverse]

The world exists in such a baffling state of simultaneous sex-aversion and sex-hegemony. Every social platform on the internet is trying to banish sex workers to the shadow realm but I can't post a tweet without at least two bots replying P U S S Y I N B I O. People are self-censoring sex to seggs and $3× but every other ad you see is still filled with half-naked women. Rightwingers want queer people arrested for so much as existing in the same postal code as a child and are also drumming up a moral panic about how teenage boys aren't getting laid enough. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

#it's bad if you want i have sex it's also bad if you DON'T want to have sex #god forbid if you're a woman in a heterosexual marriage and aren't in the mood #that's 'withholding sex' and you're clearly abusive scum who should be divorced and left without any of your shared assets. #but if you DO have sex now you're a degenerate freak plotting for the downfall of western society #i don't know what to say i'm just so tired #politics #culture #queerphobia #lgbtqia #misogyny #<it's not the exclusive source but let's be honest sooo much of this is integral to the patriarchy #patriarchy needs access to an underclass they can treat like sex objects but they also don't want them to have any human rights #so sexuality is both obligatory and stigmatized #purity culture #i'm really struggling with tagging this because most of the appropiate tags would- in a beautiful twist of irony- get me booted off tumblr

[inkskinned]

no, actually, where is the whimsy?

my ex had a best friend named larry who asked me once: what do you think comes after irony?

we were at the bar where larry worked. it was a quiet night, and he'd hopped over to sit with us on the patron side. i swirled the lemon around my limoncello martini.

earnest positivity, i said, while my ex said, art self-destructs.

i stared at my ex. he stared at me.

his argument was the cinemasins argument: look how bad media is becoming! look at the loopholes and the dumb shit!

it was roughly 2011. galaxy print was still in. at the time, i had a favorite shirt that was a wolf howling at the moon. it got ripped in half in the wash and i honestly still mourn it. i dressed like effie stonem, because everyone did. and irony was the name of the thing. men liked MLP "ironically." the internet liked the kind of crass, "anti-mainstream" vibes of things like fuck romance, touch my butt and buy me pizza. we put cats in sunglasses everywhere, which was because we only liked things in irony.

and media had the same vibe in it: anti-hero white men would be "hard to love" and then storm off the scene. nobody was just earnestly trying to save the world: they were jaded, angry, unoriginal. mad you even asked them to try to help.

my ex ends up not being wrong. cinemasins becomes super popular. a lot of people start viewing media with this lens that is the cruelest, most jaded depiction. it's wrong for your character to have unexplained powers, even if the entire movie is about how strange it is she has unexplained powers - that is still considered a "loophole." characters make thoughtless, panicked choices? loophole. characters are actually kind people, despite hardship? loophole. features a woman doing literally anything without assistance? loophole. movies become hyper-aware of scrutiny, and now irony rules the media.

which means you go to a movie, and the character has to turn to the screen and say "beats me!!" or one of the side characters has to have some kind of quip like "are you seriously telling me that you think this is normal?" because nothing can happen in earnest. like a sitcom laugh track, we now anticipate the fourth-wall break: the moment that the media acknowledges it is telling a story. the media has to apologize for itself, or else someone like my ex rolls their eyes.

but here's the thing: i wasn't wrong either.

the difference might be that i am (and always have been) so soft-hearted that any crack in the light of this world will spear me into the ground. and i was the poet in the relationship. (he thought that was the same thing as being naïve and stupid). i was making things daily. i knew how all of us artists are driven by some strange desire to evolve. he notably liked to critique art, not to create it.

so yes, i've made things that are bitter and angry and even ironic. i've made long, sharp poems with all capital letters, and i've made poems about how the silence stretches out like a song. someone wrote once that we will spend our whole lives just circling the place we grew up. i think it's more that we spend our whole lives trying to remake a home. i think it's that as we age, it becomes less exciting to build the castle on the beach - we become aware of erosion, of windforce. we realize what we really want is to come home to our dog, castle or not.

and while art in the foreground is mired in white male violence and irony, and aggression, and not taking anything seriously - i don't think that's true of all art. i think more and more artists are leaning in to the things we love. the world has changed so much. they have taken so many things from us. the only thing we have left is love. at the bottom of the moving box - all we get is the faint sense that we have to appreciate what little we've got. i can't enjoy this stuff ironically anymore: what room do i have for irony? if it makes me happy, that is an amazing thing. there are so few happy places left for me. i want to be happy because of how leaves shiver beside each other like nestling birds. i want to be happy because of the color pink, and how magenta doesn't exist. i have spent so much of this life suffering, i have earned my right to a gentle ending. if nothing matters, i get to assign meaning to the nothing. i get to create meaning. i am an artist first and foremost, which means creation is my thing.

where is the whimsy? wherever i fucking put it. because if this is my last fucking chance to do any good in this world - i want to do it earnestly. i want to write things that make you happy. that make people feel heard and seen. what comes after irony has to be positivity.

it was close to my 21st birthday. in 7 years, i would end up writing a book about this relationship, which is hopefully coming out somewhere around May 2024. i come back to this bar scene in my memories a lot. i keep thinking of how pale my ex was. the look that crossed his face. how i looked back at him. how for a moment, both of us couldn't recognize the other person. like the gulf between us was a suddenly wide and cavernous thing. like we were alien to each other. he never took my opinion seriously, and he always seemed surprised whenever his manic-pixie-dream-girl ever broke free of the plot. like in the whole time we were together, i wasn't human enough.

this knowledge: where he said nothing comes after, my only instinct was what comes after is love.

#spilled ink #writeblr #this is a real story lol #looking back i liked larry as a person SO much more than my ex hollyyyyy shitttt #compulsory heterosexuality will do you DIRTY #edit to correct effies name my apologies to effie and effies family

[copyquat]

OH MY FUCKING COD!!!

#pearlina #splatoon 3 #side order #pearl #marina #THESE TWO ARE SO GAY WTF #splatoon #side order spoilers #gay cephalopods #there is absolutely #no heterosexual explanation #for having a wallpaper like THAT

[taraxacum-vulpes]

i was on pinterest watching thirst trap tiktoks of cis white dudes who all have the same fucking haircut for pose refs earlier.

#... #a woman in a frock coat and tricorne hat with a sword is so much more attractive than they could ever hope to be holy fucking shit #keeling over #i am #so #normal #so heterosexual

[simplenefelibata]

as much as i love sam knowing about destiel before dean does, there's something about "i mean yeah my brother and his angel best friend are really weird about each other, live together, co-parent a kid, nearly kill themselves every time the other is gone, stand too close and stare at the other's mouth while they talk, but i mean to each their own i guess??" that's so special to me

#it's just so funny #and when it finally clics he's like #OH #that... explains a lot actually #he's so committed to believe dean's heterosexual act #and you know what i respect sam for it #if the dude says he's straight then it doesn't matter he stares at men lusting! he's STRAIGHT. #i'm sam btw #i had a friend who told me for 6 months he was straights while he performed in my face Telephone by Lady Gaga #and also knew the entire loona lore #but he said he was STRAIGHT okay #i had the audacity (or the politeness ig) to act surprised when he came out #i'm rambling #sorry #destiel #dean winchester #castiel #supernatural #spn #casdean #sam winchester

[thats-pretty-gay-art]

*flies into a gay panic and absconds through a stain glass window.*

Spreading my ‘deeply repressed bisexual Adam’ agenda to you all

#my dudes heterosexuality is so preformitive it’s stupid #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel adam #adam #charlie morningstar #hazbin hotel lute #lute #holydust #vaggie #hazbin hotel fanart

[garbagequeer]

the femslash poll really shows how poor the state of f/f is. half children's cartoons 1/4 harry potter characters that either never interacted/didn't have any personality or plot or barely interacted. and if you say hey i think the real life adult women who had personalities and relationships to each other that were very present in their stories should win. some nerd comes out of nowhere like well vote mirma and wilda they once played parcheesi in the parcheesi episode of doodoo didoo: the cartoon that teaches little children the names of colors. well my girls fucked nasty and were central to their piece of media. so

#the thing is. miranda/carrie is stronger and more compelling than a lot of these #and they were from sex and the city + heterosexual + biphobic. so #thing

[kittykatninja321]

Jason what did you mean by this babygirl…

#Like I know the heterosexual plausible deniability context for this was that he was just making a joke about something she said first #but she’s canonically bisexual so him repeating it just makes it seem like he’s also bisexual which is very funny #Jason Todd #dc

[cucumbermoon]

In the very first scene of The Wire, Garak asks Bashir if he was up late “entertaining one of (his) lady friends.” Bashir explains that no, he was up really really late reading a boring book that he hated. Why did the important space station doctor deprive himself of sleep reading a terrible book that he didn’t like? Oh, because this guy he has lunch with likes it.

I want to point out that Garak’s question was obviously intended to serve as the official “No Homo” announcement for the ensuing (very homo) episode, as was obviously necessary for super gay episodes of tv in the 90’s. However, Julian’s response was so gay, I submit that it instantly Homo’d the No Homo.

#I’m sorry were you up late having heterosexual sex with women? #no I was reading your awful stupid book so that I could argue with you about it over lunch #they’re gay your honor #ds9 #star trek ds9 #st ds9 #star trek #elim garak #julian bashir #deep space nine #ds9 garak #ds9 the wire

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

The most evil celebratory kiss

[First] Prev <–-> Next

#poorly drawn mdzs #mdzs #wei wuxian #jiang cheng #wen chao #wang lingjiao #I wrote a haiku that I almost used as the caption. Here it is: #“Up on the house top-Heterosexual kiss-Your mother is dead” #...I am not very good at poetry. #There was something so funny to me about the evil couple heterosexual sloppy kiss sandwiched between all this angst. #I get it - this is to make us really loathe these two and make the later revenge much sweeter but...honestly they were so funny for this. #I still do not really know how to draw people kissing so I will do what I do best and make it funny. #There are several points in which MDZS is a dark comedy and this is one of them. #Despite how tragic this episode is...My god did it also make me laugh the hardest. #I will have comics about the other moments. Stay tuned! #edit: forgor what day of the week it was. Happy Makeout Monday!

[inkskinned]

you have to be sexy but you have to be sexy in a way that's kind of bloody. you learn this early because you are wearing a ruffled skirt and the snow around your ankles kicks little sand particles against your calves. baby's first catcall. welcome to sexiness! welcome to the eyesore of your own body!

you have to be sexy like high heels. like sculpted eyebrows. like lean stomach and highly treated hair. you have to be sexy like youth is sexy, which means you have to be sexy like boxtox and plastic. a 30 year old can be sexy but she's not going to be bloody, and they like the bloodiness of it. a 30 year old is sexy when she is a whiskey glass and a wooden desk.

but you need to be sexy like an open mouth. you need to be sexy like a bitten apple. like plucked skin and white-knuckling the waxing kit.

so sex is a performance, not an enjoyment. for a while, you just assumed everyone else was also in on the joke - nobody actually likes sex that much, right? like, some men probably do, but why would you? it is like a gender - your gender is sexy. your gender is the performance of sex. you are thigh highs and garter belts. which, to be fair, do make you feel sexy.

part of what does make sex good is that you can tell that other people want you, which means the performance of sexiness is both bloody and wanted, which is good, which means you are winning at having a body. being wanted is the prize. being wanted is the thing you are searching for, not hope. you think you are looking for a soft grave in easy loam, but that is bloody but not sexy. to be sexy you must be bloody like a red open sign. bloody like a handprint. this will make you wanted.

any wanted or unwanted body is subject to supply and demand, which is to say that the more demand, the better you are valued. you must be highly demanded to be valued. this is stated in matter-of-fact by some men. sometimes it is a priest that says it, and sometimes it is a podcaster, and sometimes it is the 45th president of the united states of america.

(if you do not have any experience with being told your value, i want you to grab the nearest bird to you and i want you to crush it into a thin paste in your hand. spit into the center, and then hold your fingers closed tight around it for days and days, long after the rot has set in. feel bones itch inside of your fist. this is only a fraction of what it actually feels like, but it will suffice for a moment.)

good sex feels like you have earned their desperation. you have earned your own value. for a while you operated under the understanding that everyone knew about the power structure, even him. that their desire to take you - the violence of it - means that you must desire to be caught. little prince, guardian fox - you would rather have cut your own arm off. you liked the secret, cunning little voice you keep tucked into a box. you think you are fucking me. i am not even here right now. you are fucking what i conned you into perceiving. this is a painting, not a person. dominion over the body before all things.

so you bend your body like a wheat shaft and learn the steps so perfectly that it almost seems graceful. (if you do not have experience faking your own connection to your body and sexuality, cut each of your articles of clothing just a little bit incorrectly. pour fishbones into each of your meals. this way, you will experience the average noon on a tuesday.)

you have to be sexy like light spilled over a desk, but not desperate. not a noose. you can't be sexy like an electric guitar, you are the acoustic. you have to be on top of the bull but you can't have control over the animal.

okay, okay. the little rabbit of your heart went to sleep so long ago that winter has ravaged your concept of the human soul. there's something very-bad inside you, something that has taken over, a little fetid and rabid animal, angry and hurting and willing to bite first.

oh but even that's a pain that's sexy. open your mouth. be careful not to let the canines show.

#spilled ink #writeblr #warm up #the reason i tag warm up on so much is bc often i write them between me doing other things so im mostly telling myself to come back and edi #bc i rarely have time to check for typos lol #this is partially about compulsory heterosexuality btw #and why it took me so long to realize im a lesbian #i just assumed sex wasn't really supposed to be that good #been reading feminist lit and u can always tell

[sciderman]

Sci in the short time Uncle Ben was around -- or even if he'd lived longer -- would he have known that Peter is Spiderman?

this is such a delight of a question! what a delightful little thought experiment. thinking about a scenario where uncle ben was still around when aunt may finds out peter is spider-man – when she finds peter's tights, when he was seventeen.

i think there's no way at all that aunt may wouldn't have told uncle ben. she definitely would have told him. i don't think uncle ben would've been observant enough to figure it out by himself, but – aunt may, she's smart. she figures it out.

may and ben have such entirely different ways of handling peter

[x]

ben's old-fashioned, a bit square (like peter), and not very well-informed. he worries a lot about peter. worries about him getting into trouble. sees his unusual behaviour, and meets it with soft concern. he doesn't understand it all, he doesn't understand the youth. but he has a desire to embrace peter and attempt to understand him. he worries about him a lot.

may - may's always been the cool parent. she's encouraging, and very easy about this sort of thing. i think she has a lot of trust in peter. maybe more than she should. she is well-informed, and smart, and she recognises behaviours in peter and kind of feels like it's nothing to worry about. she knows peter's doing all the important exploration that he needs to do, and he'll do it at his own time. she thinks peter can handle it.

(of course peter could not handle it.)

i think that's why aunt may didn't confront peter about spider-man. i think she's of the feeling that peter would come out to her when he's ready to. but - she'd definitely tell ben. and if uncle ben knew - well, oh. he would be worried out of his mind.

god bless, it would come out of such a place of concern. and he'd talk to peter. in the most awkward way a father could give his son the talk.

#sci speaks #ask-spiderpool #peter parker #uncle ben #meta #uncle ben cares so much. he's old fashioned and you probably would need to Explain bisexuality to him but he's got the spirit. #he's the only heterosexual cis man in 9319. and he is a true ally. #i think aunt may taught him a lot but he's still got a lot of learning to do.

[projectcatzo]

fellas is it gay to make an apple tart rose bouquet as a little morning surprise for another man

#witch hat atelier #the kitchen spinoff is so heterosexual i assure you guys they're just roommates believe me

[spicyicymeloncat]

In a recent staff post, tumblr staff said that only a quarter of tumblr is lgbtq, and I don’t think anyone’s really convinced of those numbers. Ik this post might not reach that many people but…

(Edit: oh my god guys ik the results are biased okay?? Unfortunately that’s just how polls work. Check my reblog tho gay, was literally the 2nd most trending tag last night. Even if you refuse to believe the statistical literacy of this poll you can still observe that tumblr is still largely very gay compared to the average social media. I talk more about this in a reblog but god. I get it. Polls have never been that good at gathering unbiased results)

#poll #my poll #lgbt #lgbtq #lgbtq poll #lgbtqiia+ #also the staff post was supposed to be an apology but they still have tgirl listed as not following community guidelines so it’s really #falling flat #yeah the other 3/4 of tumblr is just prn bots #queer #fine I’ll change the tags #straight #cis #heterosexual #do straight people use these tags?? #adding these tags don’t really make that much of a difference #if u look at the tags they’re still used by predominantly queer ppl

[ingravinoveritas]

New video of David being interviewed on press day ahead of the BAFTAs while wearing a pink and green fuzzy sweater, the nonbinary rainbow pin, and pink platform Doc Martens and I am dying...

#david tennant #soft scottish hipster gigolo #the queerness is singeing my eyeballs #and it is glorious #also the interviewer is Scottish and they were so vibing #fashion queen David Tennant #there is no heterosexual explanation for this #but i love that he is slowly telling us who he is #and we can see the change in him on the inside and outside #amazing #the androgynous beauty of David Tennant #interview #baftas 2024