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redrobin-detective · 2 years

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one single thread of gold tied me to you

It was strangely easy for Sebastian Ives to settle into the new reality where heroes were your coworkers, neighbors or even your best friends. Tim’s been back at Gotham Heights for 3 weeks and he’s both the same and totally different. He told the same bad jokes, throws his hands around when he’s excited talking and infuriatingly determined that he has all the right opinions.

But he held himself differently, made bolder and more confrontational comments and Seb had brushed up against him enough times to know he was packing serious gear underneath his baggy clothes. But for all the changes that had happened it was strange how normal Tim acted.

The first week was rough. Between the awkward hero worship with it’s probing questions to the jerks out looking for a fight at any opportunity to those who thought that Tim was some sort of disease who ought to be kept away from the rest of them. Tim handled with his usual easy charm but sometimes he gripped the straps of his backpack way too hard or disappeared somewhere before mysteriously reappearing. Sebastian wished he could do more but though he, Callie and Hudson tried, it was pretty hard to relate or help Tim through his very unique troubles.

“I heard the Teen Titans reassembled last week,” Callie stated, skipping any delicate pretenses and bulldozing ahead as usual. “Are you gonna join back up?”

“Robin is benched,” Tim lied with uncomfortable easiness for someone who had a split lip from his illegal vigilante activity. The idiot had simply blinked innocently at them when he said he’d tripped on an undone shoelace. Callie had tried to press him once and had gotten a sharp, grim headshake in return. Obviously Tim’s current home life, caught in the awkward parental triangle between his dad and Wayne, still wasn’t going well. At least he had the assurance that Mr. Drake probably couldn’t hurt a kid who suplexed bad guys on the reg. “I wish them well, they’re good people, good heroes. They’ll continue to help a lot of people.”

“Kinda cold,” Hudson grumbled, poking listlessly at his mystery meat. “Aren’t they your friends or something?” Huds was still bitter over the whole secrets and lying thing. As much as Seb hated seeing his friends at odds, the guy did kind of have a point.

“They are, just like you are,” Tim sniped back. “The situation is complicated,” he lowered his eyes and looked away. “Since I’m done being Robin, we don’t really have anything in common anymore. We went through some stuff, insane and traumatic things I can’t even begin to describe, but until I get my wings back there’s not much I can do.”

“Can’t you just, like, talk to them? Does it have to be hero related?” Callie questioned.

“I mean, I guess not,” Tim sighed. “It’s just hard, separating the mask and the person. Superboy, KF, and Wonder Girl always felt the same in and out of costume yet Robin always feels miles away from Tim Drake. I guess I don’t want to see their disappointment when I don’t measure up without the cape and gear.”

“Bro,” Seb said softly before Tim abruptly stood up and walked off before anything else could be said.

“I’ll see you guys later. I’m heading to class now, you know, to beat the crowds.” The rest of lunch was a quiet, tense affair. He didn’t have any other classes with Tim until the last, World History II. Now it wasn’t Seb’s favorite class, that would be Computer Science and Physics, but their teacher was one of the few who didn’t treat Tim any differently After. They’re midway through the lesson when Mrs. Conway’s phone buzzed. She checked it with a smile.

“-and we’ll end there for the day because our special guest lecturers have arrived. I would be remiss in our discussion of history to be totally blind to current events. When the Teen Titans volunteered to come to our class and discuss their roles in heroic society, I simply couldn’t turn them down.”

Next to him, Tim snapped the pencil he’d been writing with in two. His body was tense and he had actual murder in his eyes. Everyone surrounding the teen hero’s desk leaned away at the sudden shift in atmosphere.

“No,” Tim said suddenly as he reached into his bag and pulled out a solid black flip phone and dialed a number while making eye contact with their startled teacher. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Conway but that’s not going to happen.”

“Tim, what’s wrong? I’m on my-”

“B, it’s fine I’m safe but you need to shut down the Titan’s lecture at my school,” Tim’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “And their budget too. I know you don’t fund everything but it’ll make them think twice before screwing with me when all they can afford is off-brand cup noodles.”

“Tim,” the voice sighed, who Sebastian recognized as Bruce Wayne aka The Goddammed Batman. Only he didn’t sound like that, just a tired dad with a troublesome kid. “This is the emergency phone, only to be used for emergencies.”

“The Titans are conspiring to ruin my life, that counts as an emergency,” Tim hissed into the phone. “Make sure this farce doesn’t happen. I’m gonna scrap the phone now.” He hung up and then proceeded to break the phone in half before tucking it back into his bag.

Tim seemed remarkably unconcerned that everyone was gaping at him as he got himself a new pencil. “Alright, sorry for the interruption, can we go back to the lesson? I had a question about-”

Seb, and most of the class jumped when the classroom door kicked open. A boy with absolutely wild brown hair and gold eyes poked his head in and grinned upon seeing Tim.

“Hey guys I found him, you can stop bothering the other classes!” Tim was muttering some quite terrifying threats under his breath when several other teens walked into the classroom.

“Hello normal Gotham citizens who we have never seen before,” a dark haired boy in a Superboy tshirt who was... probably actually Superboy holy shit, grinned while making eye contact with Tim. “We’re,” the kids all struck wild poses like they were in some weird anime, “the Teen Titans!” Tim looked like he was about to stroke out, Seb was starting to get concerned.

“Gar, Vic,” Tim ground out, “Et tu Brute?”

“Sorry man, you weren’t answering your phone,” the robot guy who was absolutely Cyborg- Seb was NOT freaking out over that okay maybe a little- said with a straight face as he held Beast Boy like a ballerina.

“Sorry Timbo, I voted to give you space but your buds are determined,” Beast Boy shrugged from his dramatic pose in Cyborg’s arms. “Also Starfire said that Bats are like Blorbnos, whatever those are, and need to be socially enriched whether they want it or not.”

“Cy, BB, don’t waste time talking to the peasants,” Wonder Girl said with a flap of her hand, showing off her bright red identification band. She was wearing jean shorts overtop ripped tights and a cropped white tshirt with a banana on it.

“We’re here to educate the children of Gotham about important life lessons such as teamwork, communication and being a good friend.” She smiled and it was all teeth. Tim leaned forward in his desk and returned the terrifying smile. Sebastian felt very out of his depth. The whole class had been caught in the middle of an awkward lovers quarrel. Only the lovers in this case were your superhero buds you’d been ghosting.

“We used to have a leader but that bird flew the coop, you know, without any warning or even a note,” Superboy said through gritted teeth as he crossed his arms. “So we went with a new system where we change who’s in charge depending on the day of the week, just to keep things interesting. Today is Kid Flash’s turn.” Tim was grinding his teeth to dust in the seat next to Seb.

“Hooray!” Kid Flash said jumping up at down at supersonic speed. “My first order of business as the official leader is to talk about crime.” He sped off for a second- literally by the time Seb had blinked he’d gone and returned with a large map tapped to the chalkboard. It looked to be a map of Gotham, it was covered in red dots.

“According to this,” he slapped the map. “There is so much crime in Gotham, no one should live here.” He waggled his eyebrows at Tim who looked like he was trying to manifest heat vision in return. “By contrast, San Francisco is warm, happy, has way less crazy clowns and has us!” Seb blinked again and the guy was sitting in Tim’s lap. Tim must be used to this sort of behavior because he just adjusted how he was sitting to accommodate the sudden lap full of teenage speedster. “When are you coming home, Dad?” Kid asked with big puppy dog eyes. “Mom misses you.”

“I told you, KF, I’m not the mom of the group!” Superboy shouted and, on that note, the final bell rang.

“Class, dismissed?” Mrs. Conway said with trepidation, clearly not sure what to make of the absolute mess her well intentioned lecture had turned into. It turned out to be an important lesson though, superheroes are just as crazy as regular people. No one got up to leave, whether it’s because they were scared of the situation or wanted some sweet gossip was up for debate.

“Some privacy would be appreciated,” Tim growled in a voice that Seb had never heard from him before but it sent shivers down his spine. The rest of the class scattered at that leaving just their little group; even the older Titans made their excuses and left the room. Seb was silently trying to get his things together and skedaddle with everyone else when Kid craned his head back from where he’d been nuzzled into Tim’s shoulder to blink those big eyes at him.

“Hey you’re Ives, aren’t ya?” He grinned and wiggled so he was right side up and leaned into Seb’s personal space. “Oh man, Tim’s told us all about you guys! You guys are so rad! This whole mess has been,” he blew a raspberry, “but the chance to meet you is so worth it!”

“Bart,” Tim groaned in annoyance.

“Ok, whatever, enough pretense. Tim, why the hell did you just bail on us like that?” Superboy demanded even as Kid Flash - Bart?- continued to talk to Seb about something or other? He was talking kind of fast so it was hard to understand also Hudson was muttering stuff behind him in amazement while Superboy and Tim went at it.

“Most of our devices got trashed, I’m sure B mentioned we were lying low. I was told you guys were doing fine, especially since you got the team back together.” Tim said evenly as Superboy stomped forward, slamming his hands on Tim’s desk.

“We were worried,” Superboy emphasized. “That’s what friends do when their entire life goes to shit. I know you’re like, allergic to emotion or whatever but that wasn’t cool, dude.”

“B said he told you-”

“I didn’t want to hear it from Bats, I wanted to hear it from you!” Superboy shouted, getting right into Tim’s face until their noses were almost touching. Tim didn’t so much as blink. “I needed to hear from you, my best friend in your own words that you were okay.” It was a very intense stare down.

“I’m not Robin anymore,” Tim frowned, turning his eyes down. Superboy gently tilted his chin up until they were making eye contact again.

“I didn’t skip my last two classes, fly halfway across the country, potentially risk the wrath of the government, the League and Ma, for Robin. I don’t care what stupid outfit you wear, you’re my best friend,” Superboy said gently. Tim smiled shyly in return.

“Uh do you guys need a room?” Callie asked from her seat way in the back, breaking the tension.

“No!” Tim and the super said at the same time Wonder Girl and Kid Flash said “Yes.” The two boys pulled back with a blush.

“Look, I’m sorry okay,” Tim huffed, looking out the window. “I didn’t know what to say and you guys were going through your own stuff and, well, your mentors are letting you keep your jobs. My dad is... not really happy about everything. Even talking about it gets him pretty upset.”

“Cool!” Wonder Girl chirped, “next field trip is to beat up Tim’s obnoxious dad!”

“Yeah!” Kid Flash shouted, overbalancing a bit before clinging onto Tim like a baby koala. “I never liked him, he let baby Tim run around Gotham with nothing but a camera and his plucky sense of adventure. It’s totally his fault Bats called dibs on the little bird.” He kissed Tim’s cheek then cuddled closer. “But if Tim wasn’t Batnapped then we would all be a lonely, chaotic mess without our Robin.”

“You guys are the worst,” Tim sighed but he didn’t look too upset. Not with an overgrown kid lying on top of him or Superboy yelling at him or Wonder Girl threatening his dad. He looked tougher and sharper and more confident than Seb knew him as but he was still Tim. This was just Tim at an angle he wasn’t used to seeing. He bet to the Titans, Robin looked kind of off to them too.

“So what are we going to do moving forward?” Wonder Girl asked, hands on her hips.

“Keep you up to date on how I’m doing,” Tim parroted back with an eye roll.

“And convince your super lame dad, both of them, to let you go back out into the field because fighting bad guys just isn’t the same without you,” Superboy nodded.

“Actually, we’re pretty sure Tim’s sneaking out at night to fight crime, just not as Robin,” Hudson said, looking surprised himself that he’d spoken. He shrunk back as everyone turned to look at him, the heroes gleeful and Tim sullen.

“That’s my boy!” Kid Flash laughed into his shoulder. Tim relaxed and sunk into the contact.

“That’s our boy,” Wonder Girl said softly. She blinked before dipping into an awkward curtsey. “Oh man this is kind of embarrassing, we just stormed in and started dumping some personal shi- uh stuff on you guys. I’m Cassie, you can see Bart getting cozy and that’s Kon, Tim’s future boyfriend.”

“They do appear to have good chemistry,” Callie mused even as Tim and Kon protested, maybe a bit too much.

“Wanna show us the best place to get food around here? We’ll swap Robin stories for your Tim stories. My personal favorite is the time Rob was riding his skateboard -oh sorry The Redboard- and his cape got caught in the wheel and he ended up face planting right onto the board so it flipped up then hit him again.”

“Cassie, oh my god, is nothing sacred any more!” Tim moaned.

“Oh!” Seb laughed, joining in. “What about when Tim fell asleep turning the econ test -you remember that Callie? and Mr. Jacobson woke him up by slamming a book on his desk so Tim woke up in a panic and punched him in the gut?”

“All of you are the worst,” Tim groaned into his hand as they laughed at his expense. But it was all in good fun, maybe not everything about the situation was bad. Maybe Sebastian would get some new friends himself.

#outed au #are there more titan who would have come? yes #did I have enough trouble keeping track of the people here? also yes #tim has very good but also very annoying friends #they are absolute menaces but who care very very deeply for tim #also Cass and Bart are Very Done with Tim and Kon having deep (gay) bonding moments all the time without actually dating #this whole mess started with I wanted Tims hero and civilian lives to overlap #for both sides of him to be on full display #also I think his school friends and the titans would get along great #they love to menace tim together #lovingly ofc #they spend their days talking shit about jack drake and batman too where they think he cant hear them #what has my life become #continued last fics trend of the title from a Tswift song #invisible string from folklore #dont know how well it works but Im tired #something something the connections we make and how Ives and co are connected to the Titans through Tim and can forge new bonds

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spacecadetal · 3 years

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fireworks

kakashi hatake/fem!reader

word count: 2774 warnings: descriptions of violence, descriptions of blood, descriptions of killing, alcohol use author notes: i wanted to write something a little different than i usually would i kinda got a little tired of my wips lol

the first time i saw him, i was eight years old with a shy curiosity about the world. long story short, his shoulder collided with my own. he wasn’t watching where he was going and neither was i, the hard jolt gave me such a fright that i yelled at him to watch where he was going. i had too much pride to admit i was at fault, lost in a daydream once again. he shared my reaction and my sentiment. saying i should watch myself too with great annoyance in his tone. i scoffed, he huffed, we went our separate ways.

i had always heard his name but never connected the dots until i was much older but still not much wiser. he was a prodigy, i was painfully just above average. as a bright eyed genin, i was out in the world and only starting to understand the true meaning of the path i chose at the naive age of six. his squad was babysitting my own on a mission. his mentor stands next to mine and introduces us and my face sours immediately. unlike him i don’t have a mask to hide it. he avoids me for the whole mission but his teammates are nice.

his red eye was making waves around the world, he was a myth and enemies across the land waited in anticipation for the day to come where they could finally see it in the flesh. great gain had come with great loss, i’m sure he wishes the second hand eye was back with its original owner. i remember the first time i saw him lift up his headband and expose it to the world. the blood red eye and it’s black swirls, chills shoot down my spine like pins and needles. engaging with an enemy was pure violence, animalistic and messy yet he made it seem so graceful.

the pines and the dark forest disappear before my eyes; now he stands on a wooden stage with his foe, dancing under a spotlight. every dodge and weave is smooth and flawless. his strikes felt as natural and as quick as a snake striking at its prey. i watch his performance with a disregard for my own safety and when the last of our enemies hit the dirt, i wait for him to bow. instead he shakes the blood off his kunai and the famous eye is tucked away under his headband. i think i fell in love with him that afternoon.

the girl who died, her name was rin and that one time her team babysat mine, she braided my hair by a campfire and said i had a pretty name. she didn't deserve to die. they whisper about him when he walks by, terrible nasty things. but i smile at him, wave to him when i see him and hope it makes him feel less alone in the world. he sees it and he averts his gaze without reply or acknowledgement. rejection makes my chest tighten, if only slightly. naturally i assume he doesn’t like me, maybe he doesn’t like anyone.

i'm in a village with my squad for a mission, it’s small but the green tea in the wooden cup and the smell of rabbit stew on the stovetop makes me feel at home. the excited teenage boy asks me about the things i've seen. the only thing he knows is chopping wood and shearing sheep. he asks me about a rumour he’s heard by a traveller about the boy that conjures lightning in his hand, he asks me if i've seen it before in the flesh. i smile and nod and confirm that i have. he asks me to describe it. i don't know how to at first.

first, you hear the static snapping and popping and it captures your attention instantly. then the pale blue light grows bigger and bigger in his hand, it takes on a life of its own and i won’t lie and say that it doesn’t make my heart beat out of my chest but he tames it like a wild beast, he has complete control. if you stand off to the side, you can watch the show. lightning surrounds him but he is never burnt. he’s like a god when he strikes, i've never seen something so terrifying but beautiful. he's beautiful. but i don’t tell the teenage boy that and i dont tell him that sometimes the loud crackle of his chidori haunts me when im alone.

when i'm a chunnin, i feel much older than i am. it's not due to the title of my rank but because i keep plunging my kunai into grown men’s hearts and have to pretend it doesn’t faze me to see blood squirting from punctured arteries. i don't see him around the village much anymore. he lives in the darkness, in the shadows but sometimes he comes out into the light. he's grown so much older and taller and i think he looks handsome in his gear. toned arms and biceps and that tattoo on his left upper arm, the one that tells the world where his loyalties lie. walking past him, i prepare to feel the chill of his icy demeanor but i say his name, wave and smile. the only one of his eyes that sees the world widens and the veins of his arms bulge at my greeting, i can’t see his hands because they’re stuffed in his pockets. he always looks away but this time, for the smallest of seconds, he nods in my direction and then he is gone.

when the nine tailed beast attacks the village, i am kept away from the battle in a forest with the rest of the ninja around my age. he’s there, standing by his friend who talks and talks. i like his friend, he always greets me with enthusiasm. i try to ignore the sounds of my village being destroyed and the screams of the unfortunate dying people as i am powerless to do anything. my eyes move on their own in his direction only to find he has the same idea. for a moment, air leaves my lungs and i nod politely before i look away. his eyes meet mine one, two, three times. that night my home was buried under a mountain of rock and rubble and he lost the last person that knew the true extent of the damage this world had inflicted on him.

the elderly lady at the stall with the hair clips told me i've grown into a beautiful young lady and i blush at her comment and insist it isn’t so. she tells me i must have a lot of boys' attention and i buy the deep blue hair clip with the faux sapphire gem. it stands out in my dark hair. it's been a long time since my house was crushed and a long time since he’s sat in the dango store with his friends but here’s there when i walk by. the compliment has me on cloud nine and i'm glad he’s not alone anymore. i smile at the group, say ‘ hey guys ’ and wave. for a millisecond my eye catches his as i'm walking by and my mind plays tricks on me. i think i see his cheeks tinge red.

kurenai came up to me one summer's morning and asked if i was attending the festival. i told her i was but likely alone. maybe i wasn’t such a pretty girl, no fish ever nibbled on the hook of the fishing pole i cast into the waters. her boyfriend looked bored as we spoke and her crimson eyes smile when she brings up the boy with the silver hair’s name, pretending she doesn’t notice my breath hitch for the slightest of moments. ‘ you should ask him, he’s not going with anyone either ’ she tells me and then she drags her boyfriend away. i sit alone on the cliffs for an hour thinking it through, my knees up to my chin as i wonder why she would suggest such a thing. iwashi is pissed that i'm twenty minutes late to meet up with them.

his group joins up with mine hours later and i greet him as i always do. he stands off to the side and plays with his hands and every time i catch his eye he looks as if he wants to say something to me. they say love feels like butterflies but when my eyes meets his, those butterflies turn into angry bees. i want to say something to him too, ask him where his friend got the idea that i should ask him to go with me but the bees within me sting and their venom prevents me from opening my mouth. i avert my gaze and pretend to listen to genma when he talks about his favourite order of ramen.

we all part ways but we’re together again within the hour and i'm waiting nervously at the spot kurenai told me to come back to. my yukata is the colour of lapis and white periwinkles decorate the sleeves and i wonder if i look plain compared to the girls around me dressed in passionate pinks, gentle purples, and bold reds. he doesn’t see me at first but i see him. his yukata is dark grey with light thin stripes and it compliments his bright silver hair wonderfully. it’s the first time i've seen his hair down and his long strands are wild and stick out all over the place, i think i fall in love with him all over again. hes alone and i don’t dare to approach but he finally sees me. he waves, i nod. he's so handsome that i can’t stand to look at him so i don’t.

it’s dark and explosions of many colours light up the sky. i'm so distracted by the loud boom echoing off the hills and the blue, red, white and green lights on a black landscape that i don’t notice he's standing right beside me watching it too. knuckles lightly brush against my own, my chest tightens at the sensation. it’s distracting enough that i tear my eyes away from the sky show. they’re as wide as a possum when i meet his gaze. he doesn’t say anything, he just stares for a moment before he looks back at the fireworks. it was an accident and i forgive and forget but then his fingers awkwardly hook around my own, clinging for dear life. i cannot look, i cannot think nor speak. i hold my breath and blink rapidly while i cling onto his fingers just as tightly. when the fireworks are finished, we consider each other in silence for a minute. his hand leaves mine and we part ways without a word.

every time i see him, i see fireworks and feel the ghost of his fingers wrap around my own. he acknowledges me and we’re rarely left alone around each other; when we are we do not speak of it. we lean against a railing side by side and watch our friends fool around. courageously i say to him that the weather is nice today and he nods in agreement before his friend calls him over. when he leaves my side, his knuckles brush past mine once more. i jump in surprise and tell myself it was another forgivable accident but then he glances back at me as he walks away and i can’t be too sure.

i am frozen still in a shrub waiting for the enemy to pass by. the sound of my heartbeat in my ears is so loud but suddenly it is replaced with the familiar crackle of electricity that haunted my dreams for the longest of times. when i turn around i see a man gasping for life, holding on tightly to the kunai i imagined would have been plunged into the nape of my neck if it wasn’t for the ball of lightning sizzling away in his chest. the man’s body drops to the ground and i finally see him standing there in the man’s place, his lower arm is soaked with blood from the fatal strike. he takes my hand and helps me onto my feet. that famous red eye is hiding behind a porcelain hound mask and he asks me if i'm okay. i assure him i am and thank him, he nods his head in reply and walks away. i don’t mind that he’s left my hand stained with our enemy’s blood.

when i am given the rank of jonin i am months away from being twenty. i’m not allowed to drink just yet but my older friends buy bottles of sake to share in the park and i accept the invitation without giving it much thought. it’s sweet on my tongue and goes down smoothly, the aftertaste reminds me of potatoes for some strange reason i can’t put my finger on. i drink and i drink until half a bottle is gone and my cheeks are red and i laugh too loudly at asuma’s lame jokes. the stars are beautiful tonight but they just look like streaks of light in my blurry vision. i lay in the grass, my head feels light and my stomach slightly churns. out of nowhere he is in my line of sight, standing over me with a touch of concern on the features that aren’t hidden away. he asks me if i'm okay and i say i'm just fine and i think to myself that i'm glad to see him.

when he takes me home, he lectures his friends that i'm too young to get drunk and they reply that i'll be old enough in a couple of months and it doesn’t make that much of a difference. he doesn’t mind my drunken babbling and how my head leans on his shoulder as we walk slowly through the dimly lit streets. his grip around my waist is tight and i try not to say something foolish like the way he fights is a form of art or that i want him to hold my hand again. he drops me off at the door and leaves once i am inside safely. i pass out that night thinking of the ways i want to be his.

i am twenty one when he leaves the anbu and i see him on the streets alone. his nose is in a book and he doesn’t notice as i walk by. i fight the urge to turn around and ask him how he’s going, i’ll be late to meet up with my old squad to train if i do. later when i walk home, i stare off into the distance and think about making dinner and sharpening my collection of kunai when i collide with something hard. i jump out of fright at the impact, ready to snap when two hands land on my shoulders to secure me in place. we’re not kids anymore and he smiles at me and apologises even when i'm at fault. i ask him how he’s been and he says he’s been just fine. he walks me home and we talk about missions and his new role as a squad leader. on my doorstep he says he’ll see me around and then he is gone and i am left greedily wanting more of his time.

one day when we are standing alone he tells me he is in love with me. it is is out of the blue and i brush it off with laugher, telling him he couldn’t possibly be; he takes my hand in his and insists it’s true. he tells me that he has been since the moment i collided with him in the street when he was ten years old. that when the world was unkind to him, i provided enough kindness to keep him going, all in a smile and a greeting. it is everything i have wanted to hear and more. the angry swarm of bees are back and i am stung over and over again. he can tell that i'm paralysed so his lips fall gently onto mine and it allows me to say the things i cannot utter out loud. my eyes are closed and i can see the very same fireworks from the night our fingers touched. when he breaks away from me he says we should get out of here and wordlessly i agree. we walk in the streets of the village and i am unsure of the destination he has in mind. his fingers are wrapped around mine.

#kakashi hatake x reader #kakashi hatake x oc #kakashi hatake imagines #kakashi x reader #my fic #my writing #f

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noritoshiikamo · 3 years

Text

driver’s license

cause you said forever, now I drive alone passed your street [au where suna is a doctor specialized in memory removal and his last patient of the day is his ex]

pairing: suna rintarou + fem!reader genre: pain, angst, doctor!suna + patient!reader tags//warning: medical procedure of mind erasing, slight suicide ideation, alcohol abuse note: the obligatory trio of mine: not well edited, lowercase intended, english isnt my first language im sorry if i murder it. the songs made me brawled i had to write something about it and i just so happened to finish haikyuu

“it’s odd,” he looked up from the computer screen, osamu approached him pointing to the screen, the last name listed in the appointment schedule under dr suna rintarou. please don’t say it please don’t say anything, he begged silently in his head. “she kinda has her name. haven’t heard her name in ages,” osamu shrugged, grabbing his next patient’s files, “want to get lunch later?” the doctor popped in another stick of gum, leaving before suna could even said a word.

funny that osamu said that. that is his girlfriend. he moved the cursor and clicked at the name. the birthplace, the date, her eye colour, the address and her number; it matches everything he ever memorized of her. except they are no longer together. it has been a month since their breakup.

she’s an architect. not by choice but she likes art. she’s talented and had once held an art show during school’s open day where they met. she didn’t draw him until they started dating, but she had known some of his close friends who was the subject of her drawings. her parents disproved of her ambitious and to compromise, she agreed to take architectural instead. she stopped drawing completely and suna was the only person in japan that has the largest collection of her paintings stuffed in boxes and behind shelves.

suna rintarou has been a doctor in inarizaki institute for 5 years now. inarizaki institute was different from others. it was the only medical institution that had successfully developed a procedure to remove unwanted memories. he’s one of the qualified doctors for said procedure. he had done the procedure multiple times now, even on his former high school friends and families but never his own girlfriend.

is it him she’s removing from her memories?

he didn’t remember how they broke up. maybe it’s because he was too busy. maybe it’s because she had fallen out of love with him. maybe they just couldn’t stand being in each other’s spaces, but it happened so quickly. she moved out from their apartment, returned when he left to clear out her stuff and he just threw himself back to work.

he did remember how they met. she was the miya brothers’ neighbor. one night when he came to visit them during semester break years ago, they were in their parents’ car with a girl. suna felt like he had recognized but couldn’t think of where or when. “oi, suna,” the window rolled down and asamu called him over, “come in!” despite being weirded out, he entered the back door of the car. “we are teaching our friend how to drive; can you believe it? she’s in our university and can’t drive to save a life.”

“shut the fuck up, atsumu or i’ll run you over,” she muttered angrily as she moved the driving gear.

suna saw the stick going down to reverse instead down further and he immediately reached for her hand. the girl startled at the stranger’s sudden touch. “what the fuck are you d-doing?” she choked up.

“you’re going to reverse into the wall,” he muttered bluntly, pouting his mouth to the gear. grabbing the stick through her hand, he pulled the gear into drive before letting her hand go. the light from the post shined in and he could see red flush on her face as she nodded, “oh okay, yeah d,” she muttered to herself. she started driving. she wasn’t exactly bad; she just needed a lot of practice.

so he came over every day of his semester break and accompanied them as she practiced her driving.

“i can drive you home?” she offered on the last night of his break before he returned to school.

“you don’t have too.”

“i insisted,” to which suna agreed and she glanced back at the miya brothers, “get the fuck out.” despite their disgruntlement and the it’s my mum’s car argument, she managed to kick them out. it was just two of them together. “so, i know we went to same high school and university. how come we have never crossed path before?” she questioned as she took her first turn. she memorized the roads to his home. suna shrugged as he fidgeted with the corner of the jacket’s zipper, “i played volleyball in high school.”

she chuckled, “i’ve never watched any sport matches in high school, sorry. anyway, i’m a last year architectural student by the way. are you taking the same course as osamu?” she glanced at him with a smile. his heart skipped a beat. “y-yeah. i’m in my 5th year of medical.”

“why not volleyball player?”

“i got bored.”

she let a soft exhale and shrugged, “fair enough. i took architectural to please my mother so i’m in no position to give any advice.” she slowed down in front of his house before pulling into a full stop. she pulled into parking and pulled the hand brake. she smiled and fist pumped herself, “did you see that? perfect stop!” suna didn’t expect what was going to happen next. he watched out of control as his arm reached out for her face and pulling her close. what he remembered being in control was asking her boldly whether he could kiss her.

her eyes sparkled and she smiled so widely, “yes.”

so, he did.

she moved into his apartment at the end of his graduation. she didn’t get any job for the first few months while he entered inarizaki institute as medical officer. she took commissions online and waited tables while going to a couple of interviews. he saw a decline in her motivation. when suna returned one night, he found her behind the sofa, drunk out of her mind. what spooked him wasn’t the bottles of whiskey on the floor but the stainless-steel paint scrapper she stabbed the canvas with. she could’ve hurt herself. but, putting her into therapy and pulling strings with some of her friends, she recovered, and he got her an interview. suna watched as she dreadfully shoved her portfolios and files into her bag.

“you’ll be alright,” he reassured, bringing her a cup of coffee. she sighed and pushed her bangs back, “i don’t know, rin. i just don’t feel like getting another rejection after another and then i’ll just spiral into a-” he stopped her rambling with a kiss. he tasted like coffee; she tasted like their toothpaste. every time she tried to pull away, he pulled her back into the kiss and she could feel him laughing against her lips. “this is going to turn into something else,” she whispered between the kiss and he nodded. he was half aroused. she drank the coffee and kissed him one last time. he felt her fingers slipped from his grip. she stood by the door and waved back.

“see you?” she beamed.

“always.”

suna snapped out of his own memory when an alarm blared out. he looked up past the nurses’ counter and saw a patient being pushed out of room B by a couple of nurses. he knew what goes on in that room; he helped in perfecting the procedure. osamu followed soon. he tugged the blue gloves off and shoved them into the yellow bin. “you would not believe who I met in the waiting room?” by the look of his face, osamu already got the feeling that suna already knew. osamu flipped his file and pulled out a pen. he signed the bottom of the pages and dumping it in the completed pile. “did she tell you?” suna asked.

“about?” the other doctor asked.

“the memories she’s erasing. did she tell you?”

osamu shook his head and pocketed his hand in the white coat. “she asked about you. whether you’re around. i said yeah, he’s on call and she just smiled.” suna stood up and grabbed the file. he felt conflicted. osamu stopped the man before he could enter the room. “look man, I’m sorry about whatever happen between you guys and I’m in no position to judge at all.”

suna shrugged and smiled, “it’s fine. we were just ruining each other.” the other man nodded understandingly before excusing himself. suna wanted to move but his feet felt heavy. he was glued down. room B was just a few feet away, but he couldn’t move. this is it. the end of them.

he forced himself into the room. standing in front of the panels and monitor, separating him and her was a one-way mirror. she sat on the seat, talking to the nurses in charge. his heart hurts. she had bangs now framing her face. she’s slight thinner and no longer wore the charm bracelet he gave during their first anniversary. the nurse placed a heart-beat monitor on her thumb and attached a couple more of sensors to her brain, forehead, and neck. his monitor lightened up and spitted out the information. this is it. “doctor, she’s requesting of removal of memory from 2009 up to last month,” the nurse’s words went in his ears and out. it’s of him.

all his own memories flashed through his mind.

the memories of every kisses, hugs, the late nights and the earliest of days, the coffees, the spilled paints. memories of every tear he ever wiped and for ever meals she had ever cooked. memories of all the paints of him that she had gifted to him and every night she drove down his streets. for every missed calls and unread texts. the way she touched him and the way she made him felt. he felt suffocated.

how could he ever love someone else?

“everything is accordingly. you may press the start, doctor.”

he looked at the flashing button and back to her. she was looking right at him. she might not see him, but she is looking straight at him and she looked so beautiful. a small smile appeared on her lips as her fingers fidgeted nervously. he felt tears prickling his eyes. his fingers brushed against the button and he slowly pressed it.

it took them 7 years to build this much of memories together and it took him 3 minutes to erase it clean from her mind.

she was drowsy and she had tears running down her face. the nurses rushed in after the red light disappeared and green light beamed. the alarm rang. another memory successfully. “I’m okay, I’m okay.” he heard her from the opened door. shutting off the machine, he immediately rushed out for the door, feared that he might bumped into her and lost it. he hid his shaking hands in his pocket and gritted his teeth.

“doctor?”

he stopped. the world stopped spinning and he felt lightheaded. the way she called for him didn’t change, the tone and the pronunciation were the same. it was always melodious yet painful. he turned around to see her being wheelchaired out of the room by the nurse. her eyes were slightly red, and her nose were puffy. the nurse passed her a cup of water. she smiled politely, thanking her and took the cup in her hand. she took a sip, coughing at the coldness of the water down her dried throat. it’s the side effect of the procedure.

“have we met before?” she asked, innocently.

suna shook his head and smiled weakly, “no, we haven’t.” he turned to the nurse and nodded. before the nurse could ushered her away, she called him out again.

with a smile on her face, she waved goodbye, “see you, doctor?”

“always.”

111 notes · View notes

plaidbooks · 3 years

Text

Red

A/N: Hey, remember that made-up fic title game where I made this up and then an anon asked for it and I said I was already kinda working on it? No? Me either. But here’s a fic about Rafael being kidnapped. I’ve always wanted to write a darker fic where reader gets to go ham, so I did! I also love the idea of shooting someone while they’re posturing, and hate that it doesn’t happen in shows/movies. Lemme know if you want a part 2 or not!

Edit: I forgot to mention that this is dedicated to @prurientpuddlejumper, who wanted so bad for me to stab Rafi

Tags: kidnapping, murder/death, guns, whump (but not really until the end?), allusions to torture by knife/stabbings

Words: 3890

Taglist: @the-baby-bookworm @beccabarba @thatesqcrush @itsjustmyfantasyroom @stardust-fray @permanentlydizzy @infiniteoddball @ben-c-group-therapy @glowingmess @whimsicallymad @lv7867 @storiesofsvu @cycat4077 @barbasimp @dianilaws @averyhotchner @mrsrafaelbarba @detective-giggles

“Rafi, what the hell is this?” you asked, arms crossed, and eyes narrowed. You were inside his office at One Hogan Place—what was a happy surprise was slowly turning into something more—glaring at the desk. Everything was in its place, undisturbed, except for an open letter laying innocently on the wood. You couldn’t see the handwritten words, but you could make out the crest that acted as a signature—the emblem of the BX9 gang. You had seen it multiple times in your career as detective in Manhattan’s homicide department, usually spray painted at a crime scene, or tattooed on a member. Or carved into someone skin with a dull knife in more extreme cases.

Rafael came up behind you, glancing over your shoulder at his desk. He sighed. “Just a thinly veiled threat, hermosa. Nothing to worry about—”

“Nothing to worry about?” you spat. “BX9 is threatening you and there’s nothing to worry about?”

He grimaced at your tone. “Cariño, they’ve been threatening me since I became an ADA—it’s background noise at this point.” He kissed your cheek, wrapping his arms around your waist. “I promise you; it’s fine.”

You melted against his solid chest, but you didn’t uncross your arms. “It doesn’t feel fine, Raf…what if something happens? What are they even threatening you about?”

His lips moved to your neck, kissing the soft skin just below your ear. “Remember that conviction I got last week on Alfonse Romero? Well, he was a high-ranking member of the BX9…. They want him released,” he explained.

“That’s…a serious threat, Raf,” you murmured back. You moved your head to the side, giving him more access to your neck as your body started to relax under his touch. “Do I need to have unis watching you?”

Rafael bit down on your neck and you let out a whimper. “No, and I don’t want to talk about this right now. Right now, I just want you,” he whispered, kissing and sucking at you. He was impossible to resist, and you let him push you towards his desk, his hands groping at you.

******************

Ever since you learned your husband was coming under threats, you started wearing your vest everywhere under your shirt, just in case. BX9 were ruthless, and it wouldn’t surprise you if they went after you to hurt Rafael, whether you were a detective or not—they didn’t have qualms about killing cops. You wanted Rafael to wear a vest under his suits as well, but he refused, thinking it ridiculous. Even so, you snagged one that was his size from the department, and headed home, intending to force it on him. You’d rather him safe, if uncomfortable, than dead; fuck his pride. It was the weekend, so he was off, relaxing on the couch last you saw him that morning.

The elevator doors dinged open and you walk towards your shared loft but stop short. Even from here, you could see that the door is slightly open, the wood in the frame splintered. Your heart in your throat, you hurry to the door, unholstering your gun as you go. You push the door open, aiming you gun inside.

“Rafael?” you called out, taking a few steps in. The coatrack by the door has been knocked over, and there’s flecks of red on the carpet. Blood. Rage and fear coursed through you, and it’s with shaky hands that you step over it, moving through the quiet loft, searching every room. But there’s no sign of anyone there. Holstering your gun, you looked for something, anything, that could be a clue as to where they took him. There was no doubt in your mind as to who took him, and you closed your eyes, sending a silent prayer that he was still alive, fear and nausea overtaking you for just a moment before you shoved it down.

There was a piece of paper on the coffee table in the living room, and you could see the familiar crest of BX9. You glanced over it, your eyes scanning it quickly as you read it once, twice, your breath coming in sharper as you absorbed the words.

“Release our Captain Romero to us by 9am tomorrow morning, and we’ll trade back the lawyer. Fail to give us Romero, and you’ll find the lawyer’s corpse. -BX9”

You clenched your hands into fists. The good news was that Rafael was alive. The bad news was there was absolutely no way you could get Romero released, especially by 9am…it was already 1pm—you had less than 24 hours. There was an address at the end of the note; the meeting place for the exchange. You snapped a picture of it on your phone, then left the loft. You had some favors to call in, but one thought kept coming back to you; if there was so much as a scratch on Rafael Barba, you were going to kill everyone involved.

*********************

“BX9 owns this warehouse,” one of your informants, Johnny, relayed to you. “I’ve seen a couple guys going in and out recently.”

You nodded. “But you didn’t see the ADA?”

“No,” he replied, shaking his head. “But I did find a back door that seemed unguarded.”

That caught your attention. “Show me.”

It was 10pm, and your resolve had only hardened with the passing time. You had less than 12 hours to find your husband. After going to the meeting place and finding it deserted, you had sent out every druggie and rat that owed you a favor to track down BX9 hubs. You had then busied yourself with gearing up—making sure your vest was on tight, your ammo in your handgun full, an extra clip on your hip. You also grabbed your trusty pocketknife, and finished your ensemble with a fully-loaded, pump-action shotgun strapped to your back. You didn’t plan on taking hostages—BX9 would extend the same curtesy to you. It was all about who could pull the trigger faster. And you didn’t plan on losing.

Olivia Benson, head of Manhattan’s SVU, who Rafael worked with constantly and considered a friend, had tried to contact you after finding your home broken into, but you had ignored her calls. No distractions. You were going to find Rafael, and there was going to be hell to pay. There was a good chance you were going to lose your shield for this, but you didn’t care. You just didn’t want to drag anyone else into this. If you lost your job protecting your husband, then so be it. You didn’t need the self-righteous Lieutenant, nor her loyal lapdogs, holding you back.

*****************

The warehouse seemed dark, abandoned…except for the one or two men in black, trying to look nondescript. They were doing inconspicuous laps around the place, or would lean against the front of the building, smoking. It made sense why the back door was unguarded, though—the warehouse was on the harbor, the back of the building against the water. You’d have to swim to get there. Not a problem.

“Thank you, Johnny,” you murmured. “Keep your eyes open for other hotspots, in case he’s not here.” He nodded, and you waved your hand, dismissing him. You were on a separate pier, gazing across the black waters to the warehouse that most likely held Rafael. As Johnny left, you looked around, trying to see if there was an easier solution than swimming; it was already 40 degrees outside, and the cool breeze would chill you to the bone if you were wet. Plus, you had your gun and a shotgun slung across your back that wouldn’t work if waterlogged.

Luckily, you found a small, rubber raft attached to a boat, oars laying on the deck next to it. You grabbed an oar, gently tossing it down to the raft below, then climbed down the ladder. One foot in the raft and taking out your pocketknife, you quickly cut through the ropes that tied the raft to the boat, then fully sat down inside. Silently, you paddled against the light current, heading towards the back of the warehouse. The two men never thought to check the water, their vigil consisting of only the front doors. It was an almost 30-minute fight across such a small expanse of water, your arms burning as you made it to the other side, but you felt none of it, your anger fueling you.

You carefully climbed up the ladder onto the pier, heading to the back door on silent feet. The door was locked, and you squatted by the locking mechanism. You popped open your pocketknife, shoving it into the keyhole. You fiddled with it, jerking it this way and that, trying to brute force your way in—you didn’t have anything else to pick the lock…besides the shotgun on your back. But that wasn’t really silent.

With a satisfying click, the keyhole turned. You tried the doorknob, and it turned, opening the door as the blade of your knife snapped inside the keyhole. Glancing at your broken pocketknife, you closed it, tucking it back into your pocket before entering the warehouse. A broken knife is still a sharp object, and the blade was still good for cutting ropes or tape.

It was silent inside as you crept along, gun held at the ready. You weren’t nervous, you weren’t sad. All you felt was a cold, simmering rage that was barely being contained within you…and the smallest kernel of fear that Rafael may be severely injured or worse. If he was truly dead, then—no, you wouldn’t finish that thought. He couldn’t be dead. You weren’t quite sure what you’d do if he was, and that scared you more than anything. But you took that fear and shoved it deep within yourself, letting anger and instinct take over. There’d be plenty of time for fear and stress later.

Gun drawn, you made your way down a hallway of open doors, the rooms small and empty, when you heard a muffled groan from behind a closed door. You holstered your gun, taking out the shotgun—if this room was like the others you had passed, it was small enough for the shotgun.

Holding the shotgun at the ready, you made your way to the door, then knocked harshly, taking a step back and aiming. As the door opened, you looked a member of the BX9 in the face before you pulled the trigger, blasting him backwards.

“What the fuck?” a voice yelled from inside the room. You kicked the door open, and it bounced off the dead man’s leg. You wedged your foot against the bottom of it, propping it open, and shoved the barrel of the shotgun towards the other man standing there. He jumped back in shock and fear, putting his hands up, a bloody knife falling from his hand and clattering to the floor. Between you was a man strapped to a chair, his back to you. But one look told you it wasn’t Rafael—he had blonde hair and his shoulders weren’t as broad. The man in the chair let out another groan, but you didn’t look away from the other BX9 member.

“Where’s Rafael Barba being held?” you asked, voice dangerous.

“Yo, he’s the one we tradin’ for Romero, right?” The man asked, voice shaky.

You gripped the shotgun tighter. “You have until the count of three to give me a location. One—”

“I don’t know! I wasn’t part o’ that hit! I was here, with—”

“Two—”

“I…I can find out! Lemme just text Jose—”

“Three.” You pulled the trigger, the shotgun blast deafening in the small room and silencing the man, splattering his blood on the wall behind him. You moved into the room, squatting down and reaching into the second dead man’s pocket, pulling out his cell. It was an old flip phone—a burner cell—so you didn’t need him to unlock it for you. You thumbed through the contacts until you found Jose, shooting him a text, asking for Rafael’s location. As you went to leave the room, you glanced at the poor man slumped in the chair, whimpering and groaning in pain. Using the burner cell, you called 911, requesting an ambulance, before leaving the warehouse. If Rafael was in the same shape as that man…you were already clenching your fists in rage.

****************

Jose didn’t text you back until almost 6am. Needless to say, you were furious, waiting for information, checking other BX9 hotspots, but finding no hint of Rafael there. At least he gave you an address instead of wondering why you were asking questions. So, with less than 3 hours remaining, you made your way to the destination, shotgun on your back and handgun on your hip. You felt no exhaustion from the sleepless night, having kept busy searching the city for your husband, your anger fueling you like gas to a flame.

You were across the street from where Jose had told you; it was an empty lot, a chain-link fence surrounding it, a rusted-out shipping container in the far end. Either Jose had completely fucked you, or they were in that shipping container. The only problem with the second option was that if you shot your gun—either one—inside there, you’d probably burst everyone’s eardrums, including your own…and Rafael’s, if he was indeed in there. But how to lure them out?

You made your way through the gate, your eyes never leaving the shipping crate. The opening was facing you; even though you could only see darkness inside with the barely rising sun casting shadows, you were sure they could see you just fine.

“I got your Captain out here,” you lied, your voice echoing along the buildings. “Show me the counselor.”

You heard scuffling inside, and a low voice saying, “go check,” before a man stepped out into the light.

“Where’s Romero?” he asked gruffly, coming to stand in front of you.

“Safe. Where’s Rafael?” you shot back, flexing your hands. The man had a gun in his waistband, but you knew you could draw faster.

“Safe,” he parroted back. “Show me Romero, and I’ll show you the lawyer.”

You stared at each other for a long time, sizing each other up. His hand twitched and you drew your gun, shooting him once in the chest. He had only made it halfway to his waistband before he was falling to the ground. You heard a scrambling inside the crate, and you aimed at the opening, waiting.

“Show me the ADA,” you called. “Or you all die.” You didn’t know how many there were, but you were following your own rationale—they wouldn’t fire a gun inside the container. Though there was still the option of stabbing Rafael…and you were praying they wouldn’t give up a chance at getting Romero back that easily by killing him.

A burly looking man came lumbering into the open, but you paid him no attention, your eyes instead locked on the man he was half-dragging with him. Rafael looked barely conscious, blood leaking from his temple and nose, his polo shirt torn and splattered with red. It looked like he had multiple stab wounds and cuts, and his legs were shaky beneath him. You clenched your teeth, your heart in your throat, but you didn’t lower your arm, gun still aimed at the man. You were seeing red as your eyes went to the gun pressed against the side of Rafael’s lolling head, then back to the man holding him up.

“Drop your gun, or he dies,” the man commanded.

A rush of adrenaline pumped through you, but you willed yourself to stay calm, unblinking as you stared the man down, unmoving. “I’m only going to say this once; let my husband go, or I’ll make you let him go,” you muttered, voice barely audible.

The man laughed. “Oh yeah? And what are you gonna do—” He was cut off as you pulled the trigger, hitting him between the eyes. As he fell backwards, Rafael stumbled forward, his legs buckling beneath him. You rushed forward, dropping your gun and catching him as he fell to his knees.

“Babe, look at me, are you okay? We gotta get you to a hospital,” you murmured, all the anger and rage that had filled you for the past day instantly leaving you. All you felt now was concern for your husband, and a profound relief that he was alive…plus an all-encompassing exhaustion that quickly filled in where the anger had left. You cupped his face in your hands, forcing him to look at you through fluttering eyelids.

“…[y/n]? Wh-what happened?... I’m so tired…” Rafael mumbled, unable to keep his eyes open.

“Stay with me, baby,” you replied, suddenly afraid that he may not survive. You pulled out your phone with one hand, calling 911 for an ambulance, while lifting his shirt with your other hand, checking his injuries. He had various cuts and stabs on his torso, but they all seemed old, the blood dried. You grit your teeth as fleeting anger washed through you once more, wishing you left the bastards alive so that you could shoot them again.

Helping Rafael to his feet, you half-walked, half-dragged him out of the lot, laying him on the cool concrete. You murmured encouragement to him while waiting for the ambulance, trying to keep him conscious, your heart straining. The police showed up first—someone must’ve called in the gunshots. You flashed your badge, telling them that the two dead were with BX9 and were killed in self-defense. Not a full lie, but you also weren’t telling them the full truth, either. They didn’t ask too many questions, and you surrendered the shotgun instantly, your handgun laying in the lot still.

The ambulance finally came just as Rafael lost consciousness. You waved the paramedics over, watching with bated breath as they loaded him onto a gurney.

“I’m riding with him,” you said, climbing into the ambulance with your husband, clutching his hand.

***************

Rafael slowly awoke a few hours after being admitted to the hospital, his hand still clutched in yours. You had yet to contact SVU—or IAB, for that matter—wanting to let Rafael and yourself relax before being subjected to all the visitors, all the questions. The various cuts and stab wounds were shallow, and only a few needed stitches. Thankfully, he didn’t have anything too serious done to him physically—probably because they were afraid that they wouldn’t get Romero back if they fucked Rafael up too much.

“Hey, honey. How’re you feeling?” you asked, voice soft.

He blinked groggily, eyes slightly unfocused. “Like I was hit repeatedly by a car,” he groaned, trying to sit up.

“Relax, dear. Don’t strain yourself,” you said, but he didn’t stop. So, rolling your eyes at his stubbornness, you helped him sit up.

Once up, you poured him some water, then helped him lift the cup to his mouth. “What happened? I…I remember getting attacked from behind at home. They knocked me out…and then I woke up in a metal room…” he trailed off, and you could see the pain in his eyes.

“I found you in a storage container in an empty lot—they wanted to trade you for Romero,” you explained, eyes hard. You both fell to silence for a moment before you said quietly, “if you want to talk about it, I’m all ears. You know I won’t judge you.”

Rafael was silent for a long time, eyes downcast. He wasn’t one to talk freely about his emotions or thoughts—something that you learned to live with—but he was getting better about it with you. “When he stabbed me the first time, all I could think about was you…about how I was never going to see you again. I was sure I was going to die in that box….” Tears clouded his vision, and your heart shattered. “They didn’t tell me why I was there, why they took me. I…I didn’t know what was happening—”

“It’s okay, baby; you’re safe now,” you muttered, squeezing his hand. “I got you.”

Rafael sniffled. “I…should’ve listened to you about the threats. You were right—I should’ve had protection—”

“It’s in the past, Rafi. We can’t change it now.” It broke your heart to see Rafael like this, so shaken up. “Besides, I don’t think the BX9 are going to come anywhere near you anytime soon.”

He cocked an eyebrow at you. “Why not? You didn’t give them Romero, did you?”

“Of course not. But….” You weren’t positive how to tell him, but you also couldn’t lie to him. “I was so…enraged when I found you were taken…. In the process of tracking you down, I may have…taken out some members….”

Rafael blinked at you. “You…you killed people?”

“Technically, yes, I did. But—”

“Are you crazy? How have you not been arrested yet? What’s going to happen—”

“Calm down, Raf. They were all done in self-defense. I won’t be arrested…though, I may lose my shield for it,” you explained.

Rafael fell back into silence as he thought about this. You were a little embarrassed about it, guilty because you knew how he felt about murder. But you wouldn’t feel bad about protecting your husband, and that’s what you had been doing. You weren’t sure how IAB would come at you, though, but you also weren’t too worried about it; you were a decorated detective with a clean record. Plus, there were no witnesses to what happened…except that one man in the warehouse. There would definitely be questions about why you left him strapped to a chair, bleeding out. And you didn’t think it would go to trial, but you were already wondering if “not guilty by mental defect” applied, since you were out of your mind with worry and rage at Rafael being abducted.

You shook yourself, pushing all that from your mind. “I do still want to have some protection put on you…just for a little, okay?”

Rafael nodded vaguely, gaze not quite meeting your eyes. “How long am I stuck here for?”

“I’m…not sure, but it shouldn’t be too much longer. They were waiting for you to wake up, but your injuries aren’t severe…. Speaking of, did you want me to find a—a therapist—”

“Absolutely not. I’m fine,” Rafael cut you off. You figured as much; he’d never admit something wrong with his mind, even when he had tough cases wearing him down for weeks, months. He just powers through it; that was his way. But you were afraid that this time may be different…for both of you.

You squeezed his hand once more, and his eyes softened as he looked at you. “Okay, love. Let me go find your nurse, see if I can take you home. I’m making you your favorite dinner tonight, and then we are sleeping in.”

Rafael gave you a soft smile, bringing your hand up, his lips brushing your knuckles lightly. “Thank you, mi amor. Te amo.”

“Te amo, Guapo,” you replied, standing and making your way out the door, reluctant to leave him alone, to take your eyes off him, even for a second. But Rafael was safe…for now…as safe as he could be.

#rafael barba x reader #law and order svu #law and order svu fanfic #fanfic #my writing

61 notes · View notes

ficforce · 3 years

Text

Apples and Oranges Part 1

Konro x Reader x Obi SFW (this part)

“Are you sure about this, Konro?” He caught her looking at herself in the mirror again and smiled before heading over and wrapping his arms around her middle, pressing kisses to the side of her neck as their eyes met in the reflection, “I won’t be upset, I swear…” He had been watching her for most of the day, the moment she seemed to realise what day it was she seemed on edge, he had watched her fumble with the hairpins and drop them multiple times whilst trying to do the twins hair. She had been restless, cleaning everything in sight and fussing over the girls far more than usual, her finger and thumb caught her earring to turn it distractedly every time he saw her, “Y/N,” Konro caught her wrist gently and pulled it away, he knew her well enough to see the signs she was getting anxious and it was the last thing he wanted for her, “I’m sure, if you are, it’s not the first time we’ve had someone join us.” Konro had to wonder at her nervousness. “This is the first time another man has joined us, Kon, before it’s just been other women,” she felt him shrug and then he turned her around to hold her close, “I don’t want you to think I want someone else more than I want you, you’re more than enough for me -” His hands came up to cup her face so that he could look her in the eye, “You don’t have to explain anything to me.” Konro brushed his lips to hers, his eyes closed as he savoured her closeness to him and he almost wanted to call it off, “Do you feel like you’re not enough when we’re with those other women?” This was something she wanted though and he wanted to give it to her, “When I’m making another woman moan under me while you watch?”

“No…” she mumbled, “It gets me kinda hot,” Konro always made sure she knew he loved her, even as he was thrusting into their playmate for the night he somehow made her feel like she was his whole world with a simple look. They adored each other and their relationship was solid, it had been like that ever since they were young, and it wasn’t that they felt they were lacking something in their sex life but that they enjoyed the occasional threesome. This would be the first time they would invite another man to join them and Y/N could feel her stomach doing flips - what if she wasn’t attractive enough to him and he refused?

Konro could tempt nearly any woman they wanted with relative ease. “And don’t forget that we actually know this person, it’s not a nameless visitor to Asakusa that we’ll likely never see again… I don’t want to ruin your friendship because you take his head off in a jealous rage.” Konro kissed her nose, “Since when have I ever gotten jealous?” “Last week you knocked that guy through the window because he whistled at me, there was the time you broke someone’s fingers for touching me, that punk from block seven pissed himself he was so scared - oh, then that time when I turned twenty-five and you nearly burned down the bar because I was being flirted with.” She counted them off on her fingers and then she let out a delighted squeal when he tickled her sides to stop her recounting his less than best moments with her. “I’m not gonna hurt Obi unless you want me to.” When he had first seen her look at Obi he had felt that spike of jealousy seize him, the man had still been a stranger in Asakusa and for Y/N to see him and for Konro to witness the way her pupils dilated and her teeth scrape over her bottom lip… it had made him a little mad. Then he got to know the Captain of the 8th, got to see that he was a good man and come to respect him, that made the second time he caught Y/N looking at him a bit more bearable and Konro had asked her if she wanted Obi. Of course, she had denied it and Konro had had to calm her down so that she knew he wasn’t accusing her of anything. It had been his idea for them to seduce Obi and he had invited the Captain to visit Asakusa for the fireworks festival. “Let’s see how it goes and if you’re still unsure,” he found her hands and gave them a squeeze, “We’ll enjoy each other instead.” Y/N smiled up at him and let out a relieved breath, “When did you get so wise?” “Nah, I’m still the same dumb punk who tripped over his own feet at the sight of you.” Obi had arrived in Asakusa mid-afternoon and he was frisked immediately by Hinata and Hikage for candy, the twins nearly had him face-first in the dirt as they went through his pockets before finally finding the treats he had brought them. Benimaru barely got out of their way as they ran past him, “They’re real excited about the festival,” he sighed, “You still alive?” Benimaru helped Obi get off his knees and called Y/N’s name to let her know that their guest was there, “She’s gonna get you geared up for tonight, can’t have you looking like you’re from the Empire for this kinda thing.” Obi patted down his knees and gave a half-grin, “Thanks for the invite,” Benimaru shrugged one shoulder and then he grumbled a little when he felt Y/N ruffle his hair as she appeared behind him, it was her way of telling him to be nicer to others and he crossed his arms with a huff, Obi gave her a little nod when their eyes met, he stood a little taller and his chest puffed out, “Long time no see, Y/N, I hear you’re looking after me.” She could feel her stomach fluttering and tried to squash it down, “There’s a guest room all set up and I picked a few Yukatas I thought might suit you.” Y/N’s fingers interlocked and she told herself to relax, “Ready to look the part of a proper Asakusian man?” “I appreciate the trouble.” Obi followed her through to his room, pointedly keeping his eyes off of her figure and telling himself to concentrate on his breathing instead; she had a habit of getting him excited. “Oh, this is nice!” There was a large futon set out and he noticed a separate room with an en-suite, “I wouldn’t have minded bunking with everyone else, I’m not that important you need to give me my own bathroom… “ “You’re an invited guest, Obi, we’re gonna give you the full hospitality you deserve,” she picked up a black yukata and held it up to his chest, “Too dark… navy would really suit you but that’s Konro’s colour for tonight, if you wear the same it’ll make it look like I have two bodyguards.” The thought made her laugh and she picked up another yukata, this one was a beautiful, rich chocolate colour with strong white lines about the bottom hem, “This one

goes with your eyes, what do you think?” Obi had been a little distracted by the way her hand had been stroking over his chest as she smoothed the cotton over him, “I… I don’t think my eyes are as nice as this - you think it looks good?” He rubbed the back of his head and cleared his throat a little at her compliment, he had to remind himself that she was Konro’s girlfriend and not to flirt with her. Y/N spotted the light flush on his cheeks and barely suppressed bouncing on the balls of her feet in excitement, “I think you’ll look handsome, maybe you’ll attract a few of the girls out tonight.” Y/N folded the robe neatly and placed it to the side, “Do you have a girlfriend, Captain?” “No girlfriend.” “Boyfriend? I don’t mind,” her head tilted a little and she continued to force herself to be still as she waited, it would be worth knowing if she was wasting her time. Obi laughed a little and shook his head, “No boyfriend either. Just me, Y/N. You think I should look for a partner whilst I’m here? I suppose I’m getting on a bit.” “You’re still a baby!” she gave his arm a little punch and her breath hitched at how solid the muscle beneath was, “A really… strong baby.” “He’s the same age as you, Y/N” They both looked up as Konro entered the room and Y/N was quick to go to him, her arms curling around one of his before tiptoeing a little to kiss his cheek, Konro could feel the slight tremble in her and smiled, “Glad you could make it, Obi.” They caught up a little on work and then Y/N was eager to show Konro what she had chosen for the other, he approved of the colour but softened his gaze as he noticed his lover begin to fidget with her earring again, Konro decided to change the plan a little for her sake, “You should come to our room before the festival begins for a few drinks, call it a warm-up for the chaos later - some people are already drunk.” The Captain of the 8th gave a nod, “Y/N can make sure you look proper too.” Once he had agreed they left Obi to relax a little. Y/N leaned into Konro and he wondered, again if she was having second thoughts. They headed for their room and she let out an almost shaky exhale as she sat down on the cushion by their small table, “I… I don’t think I can do this, Kon. You’re the only man I’ve ever been with and I’m so nervous I could be sick!” His arms went around her and his hand stroked down her back soothingly, there was a satisfaction in the way she relaxed against him, Konro enjoyed how she took comfort in his warmth and the way he made her feel so secure, “I’m worried I won’t like it. That it’ll feel too different and then it’ll get awkward and… “ “I’m confident that Obi most likely knows what he’s doing. He’s a big guy but he’s soft, you’ve seen how he is with the kids and he’s not the kind of guy who would take advantage of someone. Just see how you feel throughout the night and if you don’t want to then it’s no skin off my nose.” She’d always had a habit of working herself up, part of the reason Konro had learned to be more patient and think before he acted was because he wanted to support her, she wasn’t a coward by any means and she gave as good as she got but sometimes Y/N got anxious and doubted herself. He had learned early on that she needed him to listen and offer a little encouragement. It was rare she ever asked him for something and he knew it had taken a lot for her to admit that she found Obi attractive and would like to play with him sometime, anyone else and Konro might not have liked the idea so much but he trusted Obi and considered him a friend. “Just don’t go too mad on the sake, if you or him get too drunk then I’m not letting anything happen, got it? I want you to be certain before leaping into anything.” Y/N nodded at his firm warning and asked him to help her pick out something to wear. — - Obi arrived an hour before they were due to head out and he blamed the alcohol for the flush on his cheeks as Y/N fussed with the collar of his Yukata, her fingertips brushed over his bare neck and along his collarbone as she made sure it sat right,

with her being so close he could smell the perfume on her skin and he unconsciously held his breath when their chests pressed together for her to reach the back of the collar. He had glanced nervously at Konro but the man either didn’t notice or didn’t care about the proximity as he poured another round of sake, Obi’s gaze was caught by the red kanzashi hairpin decorating her hair and without thinking he reached for it, noticing that it was coming loose and not wanting it to be damaged, he brushed some of her hair from her cheek and made sure the pin was secure. Their eyes met and they both froze as electric ran up their spines - the Captain wondered if her lips were as soft as they looked… What was he thinking?! This was his friend’s long-time partner. Obi put a little distance between them and grabbed his cup of sake, he was oblivious to the shared look between Y/N and Konro as the Lieutenant raised his eyebrows at her. Obi sat down cross-legged and let Konro fill his cup once more, they were ready but as with most things, Y/N was taking a little longer to get ready. It was then that Obi noticed her playing with her earring and swirling her sake around in the cup a little, at first he thought she was concentrated on picking a pair of geta to wear but she wasn’t particularly focussed on anything, he had seen her play with her earring a few times and he figured it must be a nervous habit so he leaned in to whisper to Konro, “Is Y/N okay?” “Hmm?” Konro made a show of looking at her with concern, seeing a new opportunity he nodded, “She doesn’t like when the streets get too crowded, she’s probably working herself up. Help me out a little tonight, stay close to her and if things get a little busy don’t be afraid to get her somewhere quiet.” It wasn’t a complete lie, Y/N didn’t like crowds but she was capable of getting herself out of one, maybe with his permission for Obi to put his hands on her if needed, it might push things along a little. “I didn’t think Y/N would be an anxious person… she always seems so prepared and level headed.” The woman was capable of getting Shinra and Arthur to behave whilst at the same time putting Benimaru and the twins in their place without an issue, “That’s… kinda cute…” Obi’s eyes widened and he straightened up, he hadn’t meant to say that out loud and he hadn’t expected Konro to smirk and nod in agreement. He didn’t seem angry about it - more proud that Obi had noticed something nice about his girlfriend. “Uh… I meant that, you know… I’ll keep an eye on her.” “Appreciate it.” Finally, Y/N seemed to be ready and the three headed out toward the centre of town, already it was a sea of people and the streets were noisy with vendors offering food and drink. Obi smiled as he spotted Hinata and Hikage up ahead with Benimaru, the other Captain was in his regular clothing whilst the little girls sported flowery kimonos, he held one hand with each girl and they were squealing happily as they played with their sparklers. Obi felt Y/N lean into his side and he tensed at the feel of her body against his arm, it was an innocent gesture and he silently scolded himself after she explained that Benimaru was on duty but the girls wanted him to enjoy the festival with them. Her warmth lingered even after she took Konro’s arm again, leaning up to his ear the same way she had to him just a second ago to speak - it made sense she had to get so close for him to hear her over the crowd. There were several more incidents where she had pressed against him and the man had barely caught himself from placing his hand on her waist to keep her there, at one point Konro offered to grab them all a drink and Obi was left alone with Y/N. “Are you okay, Captain?” “Ah, yeah… you know you don’t have to be so formal with me. It’s not like I’m on duty or your Captain.” He felt his face flush again as she stepped closer to him, his hand rested on the small of her back and he brought her against him, the crowd had gotten a little thick and he’d been conscious she could be knocked; another innocent move that made him

feel oddly warm, “I don’t mind if you call me ‘Obi’ or… I mean, well, uh… everyone’s on first name basis it seems so ‘Akitaru’ would be fine too.” Y/N’s hold tightened a little around his arm and she smiled up at him, “Okay then, Akitaru, you need to loosen up a little too - you’re kind of tense. It’s a festival! When Kon gets back we’ll see how good you are at some of the games!” It turned out that Obi was pretty good at the games, he got really into some of them and Y/N swallowed hard as he rolled his sleeves up to his shoulders, he was fitting right in with the rowdy atmosphere and she wasn’t surprised when Konro stepped in and obliterated Obi’s high score on one of the games… he never was one to be shown up in front of her. It was nice to have the attention of two men, they were similar in height and build, both kind too but she saw them as individuals. Obi wasn’t Konro and she could never compare them. Apples and Oranges. At some point, Y/N found herself alone in the crowd and she called Konro’s name out in hopes he was close by, she could hear his reply from a little way off and she raised her arm so that he would spot her. Everyone was heading towards their favourite spots to view the fireworks and they had been separated in the thick of it. An arm went around her middle and Y/N found herself lifted off her feet and away to a side street away from the sea of people, “I didn’t think there would be a surge like this.” Obi watched the rush and looked down at her. “It’s nearly time for the main event so they’re not thinking…” Y/N inhaled sharply as she realised how close their faces were when she tilted her face up, he had picked up like a princess and her hand had accidentally slipped just inside his yukata onto bare skin, he was warm and his heartbeat against her hand harder than she thought it should be. Y/N’s breath caught enough that it took her a moment to force her words out, “Y-you can put me down now if you like, I’m probably heavy, right?” “You don’t weigh a thing,” his skin tingled where her hand rested and he knew she was aware of the contact but he didn’t know if she was feeling it the same way as he was,, “I should get you back to Konro…” Her fingertips traced along his collarbone and up his throat lightly, “He told you to look after me, right? I’m sure Konro knows I’m safe with you,” leaning in just so, she brushed her lips to his and Obi jerked his head back in shock, he’d nearly dropped her then and there. “Y/N!” Obi placed her on her feet gently and cleared his throat as he stepped back uncomfortably, he looked up and down the alley with a panicked expression, had she drank too much? “If you weren’t with Konro then I would kiss you in a second but… he’s my friend, Y/N, I…” Obi’s hands fisted and he tried to keep calm, “Come on, let’s get out of here and forget about this…” She had to be drunk, he would put it down to that and he would pretend that he hadn’t felt a thrill of electric when their lips had touched, he gestured for her to head out before him but then he noticed the tall, broad figure ahead. He glanced back at Y/N and he noticed she looked suddenly nervous, her hands clasped together and she seemed to be holding her breath. Konro walked toward them and he noticed Obi straighten up so stiff he looked ready to snap, as the Lieutenant approached Obi took a step back and Konro snorted before letting out a chuckle, “I think we better give him a clue, Y/N,” He reached for her and she tucked herself into his side shyly, “Listen, Obi,” Konro saw the Captain flinch, “Y/N has a bit of a crush on you and part of the reason for inviting you was to see if maybe you wanted to join us for some fun.” “…You want me…” He was kind of relieved that Konro wasn’t going to beat him to death but at the same time kind of dumbfounded, “I uh, well, is, is this-” “We like the occasional threesome.” Y/N answered quickly, her cheeks were hot and she was finding it hard to look at the other in the eye, “It’s just that you’d be the first man we ever invited…” She felt Konro give her a light push and she

stepped up to Obi, her hands rested on his belt and she looked up at him through her lashes, “I would really like it if you’d play with us, Akitaru.” Obi was still tense as he looked over at Konro, the man didn’t seem the slightest bit bothered and gave him a small nod. A tug at his waist brought his gaze back to Y/N and she tiptoed up as she leaned against him, the Captain would be lying if he said he didn’t want to. He gave one more hesitant look over to Konro before bending down to press a soft kiss to her waiting mouth, he felt a little awkward with her lover just a few feet away and pulled away before he really started. Y/N smiled softly at him before she took his hand and began pulling him away toward the street, “Let’s go watch the fireworks a little,” she grabbed Konro’s hand too and lead them out, “There’s no pressure, Akitaru, if you don’t feel right about it then we can still enjoy the festival.”

#obi akitaru #sagamiya konro #reader #fire force #enen no shouboutai #enn enn no shouboutai #garth ennis

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flying-nightwing · 4 years

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Act I: The Gala

Oh hey! I’m still alive! I decided to do a mini serie finally, it’s a four part fic that will be done in separate posts because I have enough words to do it that way. Also because I’m slow and I don’t want you to wait until I finish all four parts. So this is the introduction, enjoy!

PS: As mentionned before, I don’t feel like I’m an expert on Tim so I might write him ooc sometimes. This is kinda experimental so I can try to adjust myself.

Masterlist in bio / pinned

Part 2 out now!

Pairing: Tim Drake x Gender neutral reader

Word count: 2228

Warnings: regular amount of violence, language

Summary: You are doing an amazing job at being one of the most succesful hitman in Gotham, going through clean and unnoticed everytime you were deployed on a job. Well, that is until you meet Tim and get a little too intrigued.

“Oh shit--”

You stumbled backward a little bit when a shoulder collided with yours, looking aside just in time to see champagne flowing out of a glass flute in the hands of the man who bumped into you. You took one step aside, watching the liquid float right past you and drop on the floor instead of on your suit. Your eyes trailed up the man’s arm and shoulder to finally set on his face.

“Sorry!” He flinched, inspecting your outfit to be sure none of his champagne ruined it. “I didn’t see you there, are you--”

“It’s fine” You finally spoke up, giving him a hint of a smile. “Have a good evening, sir”

He returned the smile for a brief moment, then furrowed his eyebrows. But you were already gone by the time he opened his mouth again, leaving him half baffled behind you. You didn’t have the time for pleasantries, as you were on a mission. You walked through the crowd, your pace even and relaxed as not to bring suspicion on yourself. Dressing up to fit in with Gotham’s elite was only half of the job, the other was acting like you belonged. Luckily for you, you had experience in that too.

You checked your watch. You had ten minutes until the Mayor’s discourse. Then, you visually sweeped the room, leaning on the bar and flagging the waiter. Soon enough, he was by your side and taking your order.

“Whiskey sour” You said, and he nodded, leaving again to make the drink. Your glance returned to the room, spotting your guys slowly but surely getting in position. One by one, they placed themselves around the exit doors, their suits matching those of the doormen. You had also a few waiters, who walked up the room towards the stage with their platters. Everything was going on smoothly. You glanced down at the glass being put down and thanked the waiter, grabbing your drink and leaving the bar.

You left the bar and headed for the employees door, swirling the liquid in the glass but never drinking it. You threw it in a plant as you were walking by, your actions quick and almost unnoticeable. You circled around one more time before facing the crowd, making sure no one was looking in your direction, before you disappeared behind the door. You avoided the busy staff and crossed the room, heading for the staircase on the other side. You climbed on the second floor and found the bathroom, going in and locking the door behind you. You undid the screws of the ventilation grill and pulled out a duffel bag, in which was hidden your change of clothes. You quickly took off your suit and changed into the tactical gear, buckling on your utility belt and clipping on your bulletproof vest as well as your thigh holsters. You verified the magazines on your guns, slipping them into the holsters and making sure your grenades were not stuck anywhere. Finally, you took the last piece in the bag.

You started back at the gas mask in your hands, until you strapped it to your face and adjusted the straps. Then, you were off.

You reached the balcony as a woman finished announcing the Mayor with a bright smile, clapping and stepping away from the podium. The mayor took her place, waving to the people and mouthing thanks to the crowd. He tapped on the microphone, then cleared his throat.

“Thank you, people of Gotham” He began as you tied your grappling line to the marble rail. “This half year has been a challenging one for this council, with the new reform proposition--”

A loud pop went off, followed by the dispersion of a thick smoke over the room. The people began screaming as the guards flanked the mayor before they couldn’t see him anymore. You jumped from the balcony, sliding down your grappling line until you landed in the circle like a cat. The soft thud was barely audible under the noises of panic, but your presence was felt almost instantly. Your hand reached for your gun as the guards turned around, but they didn’t have the time to do anything before you shot them down one by one. You then grabbed the mayor by the neck as he was trying to escape, pressing the still hot barrel of your gun to his temple.

“Good evening, Mr. Mayor” You greeted, watching as four masked gentlemen in white suits and semi automatics flanked you. You nodded at them to cover you and turned around, launching the escape part of the plan. “I’ll need you to come with me now”

You dragged the sweating mayor along, unbothered by the gunshots behind you. The entire plan rested on your ability to be fast before the numerous vigilantes of Gotham had the time to show up. The police were already there, but they weren’t competent enough on their own to stop you. You navigated the building easily through the smoke, your trajectory clear and memorized from the blueprints you had closely studied. Soon enough, you reached the garages, where the rest of your team waited in a van. The four men around you formed a defensive parameter, covering each side until you reached the van’s door. You threw the mayor in the van and jumped behind, covering your guys at your turn until they jumped in too.

The tires made smoke as the driver speeded away from the garage, making sharp turns as he followed the path out on the garage.

“Wait, what was that?”

“What?”

“I can’t see it anymore--”

“On your right!”

The passenger side window exploded and a small beeping device latched on the dash. Your team seemed confused by it, but you reacted on an impulse. You leaned in between the two front seats and pulled the bat shaped device out, throwing it outside just in time for it to explode in a blinding flash. You gave an exasperated look to your crew, pulling yourself away from the front area.

“Let me handle this”

You snatched a semi automatic from someone and reached for the roof window, sliding it open with a tug. You pulled the step from the floor and stood up on it, passing your arms and head through the hole. You looked around for the vigilantes, seeing almost nothing in the darkness, until you noticed a blur of red. You raised your gun to shoot, but you realized last second it had been a distraction. You raised your left arm just in time to deflect a fast coming shuriken, which sliced your sleeve and your skin underneath. You hissed, but you kept eye on the target and shot the red one. You knew you didn’t quite hit the mark, but it was enough to slow him down. Then, you turned to the darked figure you could now see from closer.

The Batman.

He was on his motorcycle, tailing you. You dropped back into the van and went for the back doors, kicking them open. You shot immediately in front of you, forcing him to dodge your fire. Your bullet ricocheted on the bike, but it was enough to blind him momentarily. You threw the gun aside when it was out of bullets, instead grabbing the two grenades in your utility belt. You unpinned them and waited three seconds before letting them roll onto the ground. He saw you coming however, and braked on time to avoid the blow. You looked back into the windshield, you were almost out of the underground parking. You noticed the red vigilante coming out of the smoke, still hot on your trail.

You smirked under your mask before closing the doors again. “It’s time for the warhead”

The man to your left pulled an underseat compartment, picking the heavy weapon with two hands and passing it to you. You grabbed the handle and supported it as you returned to your roof window, and peeked your head through once again. This time, you didn’t have a semi automatic. You had a rocket launcher.

You ignored the vigilante behind as you instead interested yourself for the police line that gradually came into view. You took your aim, and didn’t waste time to fire. The recoil sent your back onto the frame of the window, but your bulletproof vest absorbed most of the shock. The police, however, had no chance, bulletproof vest or not. The explosion carved a burning hole in the line, which was more than enough for the van to slip through. You dropped back down inside and closed the window behind you, knowing the plan had succeeded.

You sat back on the side benches, observing the terrified mayor that was seated and bound on the other side of the van. One more triumph under your belt.

---

“Right under our nose”

Bruce looked up at Tim, who hadn’t spoken the entire ride back. Well, until now. They had met back at the batcave after the gala’s fiasco and had only exchanged sighs as they tried to trace back what had gone wrong. Bruce’s cowl was sitting on the desk beside him, but he was still in full gear in his computer seat. Tim was pacing around, his mask in his hands and his cape already handing on its support, his mind focused on finding out how they could have let the mayor slip away like that.

“We were there,” He continued. “The response time was optimal, and yet...”

“Whoever they were, they knew what they were doing” Bruce spoke, his voice levelled and stern. “They accounted for our presence around, they timed their exit to the last second, and they showed discipline. They weren’t amateurs”

“I noticed they were fast” Tim nodded. “Usually, people like them like to make a show out of it, they make sure they are seen doing the kidnapping. They didn’t do that. They smoked the room in an effective way, even with masks they were blind too. They didn’t even shoot the crowd, and the gas wasn’t lethal”

“What does that tell us?”

“They had no personal stakes in the kidnapping,” Tim replied. “They were hired guns, high profile, probably under the paycheck of someone notorious if it involved the mayor. I’m thinking a political endgame here, someone who has interest to blackmail the city but not to cause a mess”

“Excellent thinking” Bruce said, standing up. "The safest guess is to go with crime families, but this will need to be looked into. We’ll have to go back to city hall to try and find out clues to help us determine who the mercenaries were exactly, and we can go on from there”

It was easy to come to the conclusion a crime family would be behind this. The tensions in between the turfs and their leaders were higher than usual, with levels of violence Bruce hadn’t seen in a while. He just hoped this wouldn’t end up in a gang war, as he was already dealing with a lot of other problems already.

“Should we go tonight?”

Bruce took a moment to answer, looking at the wall in front of him. “I’ll ask Gordon what he could do for us”

---

After two switches of vans, you finally pulled up in a fancy driveway, barely lit up by torches along the road. You took a path to circle the house, coming to a stop in front of a smaller, separated building further down the estate. You glanced at the mayor’s now covered head before standing up and pushing the back doors open. You jumped out first, then let the crew escort the hostage inside.

“Well done, (Y/N)” Slow clapping made you turn to your side, seeing none other than Carmine Falcone walking toward you. “Your talents never cease to amaze me”

You pulled off your mask and nodded politely at his praise. “Thank you sir”

“You didn’t run into any major problem, did you?” He asked as he invited you to walk with him to the main building. It was a secondary house right out of Blüdhaven he kept strictly for business matters, and his one home you operated from.

“The Bat and his red pupil showed up” You mentioned. “But it was nothing a machine gun and a couple of grenades couldn’t handle”

He laughed, giving you a firm tap on the back. “Glad to hear you say it”

You walked inside the house right behind him, nodding at the guards around the sliding doors. He stopped in the living room, plopping down a brown leather chair and pouring himself a scotch. He then lit up a cigar and snapped his fingers. Soon after, a man in a dark blue suit brought a briefcase forward, which was then handed to you.

“The other half of the pay, plus a bonus for your loyalty”

“Thank you” You said as you picked the briefcase. You had been working for Falcone long enough for you not to feel the need to count the money, you knew it was all there as promised.

“I have a next assignment for you, if you are up for it” He spoke up again as he blew some smoke. You raised an interested eyebrow, and he grinned. “Three days from now, this pay plus 7k for a clean job”

“I’m in”

#tim drake x reader #tim drake imagine #tim drake x you #tim drake fic #red robin x reader #tim drake #red robin #red robin imagine #dc #dcu #dc universe #dc imagine #dcu imagine #dc universe imagine #imagine #red robin x you #batfam #batfam imagine

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dnvrsmedia · 4 years

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Shut up and Kiss me

natasha romanoff x fem! reader

warning: yelling and cursing?? otherwise kinda fluffy! ALSO!!! this is a repost from my backup blog @blkromanova !!

summary: You and Natasha get into an argument over a mission.

gif: carpebucky

Today has been one of the most stressful days ever since you’ve joined the Avengers. You’ve only been there for about a year, but still you can never catch a break. Everyone on the team was out on a mission, which rarely happens. No one saw it nessecary unless there is a threat to the entire universe, but today there was an exception.

It was a nice sunny afternoon spent cuddling in bed with your long term girlfriend, natasha in your shared bed. It was supposed to be your day off until Steve called everyone for an emergency meeting. Hydra bases have been popping up rapidly all over the globe. This mission was too big for only one team to go, so naturally Steve used the resources he has right in front of him.

“Alright everybody listen up, I need your full attention. We cannot screw this up.” Steve sternly spoke. “ As you all know, Hydra is a force to be reckon with. They have been inactive for the past couple of years, but suddenly they’re here again. I have been just informed about the bases and nothing else which means we are going in blind. I need you to be more aware than you have ever been on a mission. This may be a set up, but i am willing to give this a shot if this means we could put a stop to whatever they’re planning,” Steve pauses while he hands out folders. “Here is all the information I could give you guys about Hydra and the mission today. Read it, study it, memorize it. Everything that is is there will keep you alive. Your assigned teams should be written on the top of your folder. You have eight hours to do what you need to do and get on the quinjets. any questions?” After a pregnant pause, Steve dismissed everyone. You, along with the others, stayed to meet and talk with their teams.

“Hey you.” was wispered in your ear as you felt two dainty yet strong hands wrap around your waist. You turn around to see your beautiful girlfriend behind you. “Hey baby, are you nervous for later? It seems as of we’re on the same team! that never happens!” you exclaim. “Im more excited to kick some Hydra ass than nervous.” she slyly smirks. “Hey you two love birds! can we go over this first then y’all can be down eachothers faces?” A voice who you soon realized belonged to Sam boomed throughout the conference room. Your face beamed bright red as Nat let out a hearty cackle while flipping him the bird.

The mission was going to be more complex than just breaking into a base and kicking ass. In this case, the team has to go undercover at a charity ball. Underneath where the charity ball was being held was supposedly where Hydra is doing an illegal weapon auction. Your part of the mission was to try and distract the host into letting you get into the auction. From there the rest of your team will clear out the civilians and obtain the illegal weapons. Everyone seemed pretty on board with the plan besides Natasha.

“I don’t see why Steve can’t let me do it instead! I have more experience in my back pocket than you do y/n !” Nat yelled. “Why the fuck is it a problem? Just because you have more experience doesn’t mean I am not fully capable of compleating this mission and you know that for a fact!” You stared at her, fuming with rage. “You don’t get to decide what I can or cannot do Miss. Romanoff. If Captain Rogers, Americas very own super soldier thinks that I can get this fucking mission completed then that is what I will do you hear! I didn’t work my ass off to get this position just so my girlfriend can bitch about it! I will see you all on the quinjet in eight hours. goodbye.” you stormed out of the conference room making sure you slammed the door hard and loud.

Hours passes and you have not once seen or talked to Natasha. In all honesty, you didn’t even want to see her. When she said that you weren’t capable of pulling most of the weight of the mission hurt like hell. Natasha was the last person you’d expect to say something like that to you, but here we are. You guys never had a problem like this before, and you have no idea how, when, and where it came from.

You normally just sleep in Nat’s room, but right now you couldn’t stand her. She’s been trying to talk to you for hours, but as soon as you got up here you muted her text and calls. You even went to the extent of telling F.R.I.D.A.Y to make sure everyone, but Natasha had access to your room. Petty? yes, but you just need all the physical space you can get. You always say it’s never a good idea to go into a mission mad, but now isn’t the time to talk. Whenever you get undercover missions, it takes you a while to get your mind prepared. With the thoughts of the argument on the back peddle, you get ready for the mission.

After an hour of impromptu yoga to de-stress and a light salad, you decide it’s time to start getting ready. The reason why your role is so dangerous is that you won’t have your tactical gear on. Without your gear- if something where to happen- you would more likely to get severely hurt. In this instance, Tony had made clothing that were as durable as bullet proof vests for the team for undercover work, but the tactical gear is still safer.

You were allowed to carry two guns in your thigh holster,instead of the usual four. It was about ten minutes till the team met on the quinjet and you were starting to get nervous. Natasha would normally calm you down, but since you weren’t on speaking terms, you went to the next best thing. You took one final look at yourself in the mirror, and headed out.

Your heals clicked as you walked down the halls and out to the quinjet. You were dressed in a long red satin dress with a tasteful slit on the left side that came right up above your mid thigh. Your hair was styled in a bun with the front pieces of hair framing your face. Everyone seemed to be there and waiting for you at the foot of the quinjet. “Finally! the princess arrives!” Sam teases. You heard a myriad of compliments. “You look stunning y/n...” Nat mumbled. Instead of being the bigger person, you just walk past her and go straight to Steve to talk out your nerves. You and Steve have been friends since he first got out of the ice. He is the reason why you have the job, and how you met Nat.

After Steve goes over the plan once more the separate teams go on their way leaving you, Natasha, Steve, Sam, and Bucky in a quinjet on your way to a “charity ball” in France. Nat surprisingly hasn’t tried to talk to you again, but you two have shared eye contact many times. An hour passes and we have reached our destination. All of your nerves suddenly catch up to you. What if Nat is right? What if- your thoughts are cut off when you feel Nat’s arms around you. Instantly you feel your nerves slip away. “Hey,” she wispers softly “ I know you’re pissed at me, but we made a promise. Never go into a mission without saying I love you.” Her hand travels up your arm to the side of your cheek, caressing it softly. You take a deep breath “ God, i might be pissed at you, but I will never stop loving you.” you smile weakly. “I was kind of an ass, but I love you with my whole heart. Just know I didn’t mean it. I wanted to protect you, baby. You know how dangerous these missions are.” she pleaded. “Yes, tasha I get it, but you don’t get to make that call. I wouldn’t signed up for this job if I didn’t know the dangers.” You sigh. “I know, I know, and Im so sorry, my love.” She kissed my hand as i rolled my eyes playfully. “Shut up and kiss me already.” you giggled as she leaned in. “My wish is your command.” she smirked

#natasha romanoff #nat x reader #steve rogers #avengers #mcu fanfiction #mcu #mcu fic #natasha x reader #natasha x y/n #natasha romanov #black widow #black widow x y/n #wlw fic

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awakendreamersworld · 3 years

Text

And here's the final chapter! Let's Stay Together

It was late at night and Doria was sleeping after a long, hard, busy day. Maria got up and packed her personal items into a crab shell bag and set a note on the her bed and started sneaking out out her home, but before she left, she decided to bring Alberto's record player along so they could listen to music together. Before heading above depth, she took one last look at her home and smiled, "I promise I'll be safe." She said and started swimming above depth out of the kingdom towards the current. Maria went inside the current and started swimming through it back to Italian Riviera, where Alberto was.

Alberto woke up the next morning quickly running down stairs and running up to Giulia before she headed out to take care of fish deliveries with Luca. "Hey Giulia, mind if I speak to you for a sec?" He asked grabbing Giulia's arm and heading back upstairs to her room, "What is it, Alberto?" She asked "I wanna get Maria something really special. Like something that means a promise or that we'll stay together no matter what happens!" Alberto said, "Like... and engagement ring?" Giulia said "YES!... What's an engagement ring?" Alberto asked "Its a ring indicating that the person wearing it is engaged to be married, its like a promise to stay together forever." Giulia explained, "Yes, that's perfect!" Alberto shouted "Where can I get one?" "I know someone in town that sells jewelry, maybe they can help you get one." Giulia said, "Perfect! Let's go!" Alberto said grabbing Giulia's arm again and racing downstairs to her bike and hopped on, "We'll be right back, guys! C'mon, Giulia!" Alberto said and Giulia quickly hopped on her bike and started riding up the hill the the person that sells jewelry. Giulia parked her bike by the door and went infront a building with a tent outside on top and a window with jewelry separated in boxes at the bottom, "Ciao, Mr. Miguel, my friend here would like to buy an engagement ring." Giulia said, "What kind?" Mr. Miguel asked, he was bald with scars on his face and a muscular chin and wore an eyepatch over his left eye and was wearing a avocado green shirt with white shorts on and slip on brown shoes. "Well? Which one do you prefer, Alberto? Giulia asked "Hmm, do you have any ocean-like ones?" Alberto asked, "Ohh, I have plenty, Amico. Be right back." He said disappearing into his store. A few minutes later, he came back with a medium sized box of rings, some were silver with ocean blue diamonds on them and some were gold with sapphire blue diamonds on them. There were so many to choose from, they were really pretty too, Alberto had no idea which one to choose, he put his hand inside the box and started moving some of the rings around so he can see what else was underneath them. At the very bottom, he found a ring that Maria might like, Alberto grabbed it and took it out the box, "That's my goddess of the sea ring. You want to buy?" Mr. Miguel asked, Alberto nodded and Giulia gave Mr. Miguel the money to pay for the ring, "Let me get a beautiful box you can put the ring in!" Mr. Miguel said and once again, vanished into his dark home to scavenger around for the perfect box for a perfect ring.

A few miles off the coast, Maria swam up to the surface to see if she was heading the right way, she looked and saw the two islands, one separated and one bigger than it with buildings on it. Yep, this was the place. Maria took a deep breathe and swam towards the island with the town while still holding Alberto's record player with the magical singing lady. Maria's shadow hovered past Luca who was putting his fish herd away, Luca looked up and saw Maria and started swimming towards her. "MARIA!" He yelled excitedly hugging her, "Hehe, hey Luca! Sorry I was gone for so long, my aunt kept worrying about my scars and was trying to keep me home until they were 'ok' on her side." Maria said "Its so good to see you again! Alberto's been missing you, like REALLY missing you." Luca said, "Oh, uhh, well, I'm here now! Where is he?" Maria asked "He's with Giulia, they went to get something I think." Luca said, "Ok, c'mon!" Maria said and started swimming to town with Luca.

Once on shore, Maria headed towards Giulia's home and went inside. Massimo was in the kitchen preparing some food, "Hi Massimo!" Maria said, "Welcome back, Maria. How's your wounds?" He asked, "They're all healed and well!" Said Maria, "That's good, you must be hungry after a long trip back. Please, sit and eat." Massimo said. Maria sat down at the table setting her stuff and Alberto's record player down on the ground and began to eat her pasta. Once finished, Maria went to the tree to decorate it to surprise Alberto. She put seashells around the edges of the wooden bed and set down the record player right in the center, she thought it was perfect and that Alberto was gonna like it. Maria started climbing through the window into Giulia's bedroom and began heading downstairs. Luca went outside and saw Giulia and Alberto heading their way back, he panicked and quickly ran to Massimo. "Alberto's back! Quick, take him with you to catch fish!" Luca said, "But Maria's here. He would want to see her first." Massimo said "Its a surprise! Maria doesn't want to spoil it!" Luca said and Massimo headed outside to Giulia and Alberto setting down the bike, "just in time, Alberto. Come, we have some more fish to catch." He said. Alberto put the boxed ring in his pocket and followed Massimo to the docks and jumped onto the boat and started heading out to the open water. Giulia went inside and saw Maria standing next to Luca, "Maria! Your back!" Giulia shouted in excitement and hugged her, "Hehe, its good to see you too, Giulia! Where's Alberto? Luca told me he was with you." Maria asked, "Oh, he's with my Papa hunting for some fish." Giulia said then looked down at Maria's dress, it had ripped holes from the shark bite and was stained with blood, but Giulia seemed more worried about the dress then Maria's wounds. "Aye, Maria! Your dress! C'mon, lets head back to the tailor. He'll make you a new one." Giulia said grabbing Maria's hand and heading outside to her bike as they hop on and started heading back to the tailor. They hopped off the bike and placed it near the entrance and headed inside, "Ciao, Chipo! We're back!" Giulia said, "Welcome back, Mia- DIO MIO! What happened, Amica!?" He said looking at Maria's ripped bloody dress, "She was attacked by a shark, but she's ok now." Giulia said "Sorry about the dress, do you think you can make a new one?" She asked. "Of course! Anything for a friend! And you need to be careful out in the waters. It may look pretty, but there's all kinds of predators down there!" Chipo said to Maria, "I'll be sure to be more careful next time." Maria said following him to the back so he can make a new dress for her.

Doria woke up and headed to Maria's room to wake her up for school, but her room was empty. There was a note on her bed, she picked it up and it read: 'Dear aunt Doria, I left early, by the time you read this I'm already at Italian Riviera with Alberto! Relax, I'm fine :).' Doria shook her head and smiled then set the note down and put on her crab gear, grabbed her weapons, and headed outside to go start her job on protecting her kingdom.

Massimo started pulling the net up when he noticed Alberto looking inside a small box. "Is that for Maria?" He asked, "Yeah, its an engagement ring! I'm gonna ask her to stay with me." Alberto said and showed the ring to Massimo "I'm sure she'll love it." Massimo said smiling, "I think so too!" Alberto said closing the box and putting it back in his pocket. They continued pulling the net up with another load of fish and started heading back to shore. After waiting a few moments, Maria came out wearing a 1950's light blue rockabilly polka dot Audrey retro vacation summer dress. "Whoa, you look amazing!" Giulia said "Thanks, you think Alberto will like it?" Maria asked "Of course he will!" Giulia said while heading back outside "Thanks, Chipo!" Giulia said waving goodbye to the tailor "Bye, Giulia! Come back soon! And be careful!" He said and Maria and Giulia hopped on the bike and headed back home.

Alberto and Massimo went inside and set the net full of fish down in the corner, "I'll prepare dinner, you go on upstairs to your friend." Massimo said. Alberto went upstairs to Giulia's room and went through the window to the tree, when he was in the tree, he saw his magical singing lady gift he got for Maria and there were seashells around the edges. His eyes widened open to think that Maria was here, Maria headed upstairs with Giulia and the window was open, Maria climbed through the window to see Alberto checking out her decorations. "Do you like it?" Maria said and Alberto turned around and saw her wearing a new beautiful light blue polka dot vacation summer dress, "Whoa, nice dress! Sorry about your old one..." He said "That's okay! Sorry for being gone for so long..." Maria said "... You know how protective my aunt is." "Yeah, I remember..." He said remembering her warning that if he's not careful with protecting Maria, she's coming after him. "Luca told me that you and Giulia went and got something, what was it?" Maria asked, "Oh, right!" Alberto said and grabbed Maria's hand and they both sat down on the wooden board next to the record player.

"Maria, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for 'kinda' faking being in love with you. I just wanted to hang out with you to forget my jealousy of my best friend Luca, he's been hanging out with Giulia all the time and it made me feel isolated. But then meeting you and realizing how much fun I had with you made me realize how much you mean to me, how happy I am with you." Said Alberto,

"Me too! Back at home, I was kind of this kid who breaks the rules and wrecks everything... I even ruined Emily's friendship with her long-time friends. I was just... an outsider... I thought that's how my life was gonna be, just a reckless kid who never learns. But then, I met you! You made me feel like myself again! And I haven't felt like myself in a while, but you helped change that! You showed me that staying with you I'm free to be myself and do whatever I want! And I thank you for that. And when you went after me down into the Midnight Zone, I thought I didn't deserve the rescue since I've done very little to earn it, especially from you." Maria said and smiled "And I'm happy to be with you too."

"Then let's make it official, to stay together forever!" Alberto said pulling out a small, royal blue box and opening it revealing a sterling silver ring with a mermaid on it. "This is a goddess of the sea engagement ring I got from Giulia's jewelry seller friend." He said putting it on Maria's ring finger and holding both of her hands. "Maria, will you stay and live here with me in Portorroso?" Alberto asked, "Yes, of course!" Maria said and hugged Alberto. "Ok... Silencio Bruno..." He said sighing, "what're you doing?" Maria asked "I saw human couples do this, and honestly, its nerve-racking." Alberto said blushing "What?" Maria said. Alberto took a really deep breathe "Silencio Bruno!" He said and quickly kissed Maria on the lips. Maria was surprised, but went with it and kissed back while hugging Alberto, "Ti Amo!" Alberto said ((I love you)), Maria giggled and spoke in her siren language, "Lu fow, that means 'I love you' in Murine Siren language." She said smiling. Alberto smiled back, "Anyways, wanna get some ice cream? My treat!" "Hehe, sure!" Maria said and they stood up and hopped down from the tree and opened the wooden gate to go and get some strawberry ice cream while holding hands.

When they got their ice creams, they went and sat over by the water at the docks and watched the sunset, "I'm really happy to be staying here with you, Alberto." Said Maria, "Me too." Alberto said, "Ah, how nice of you two fish freaks to enjoy a relaxing sunset pretending to be 'normal' when your not." Ercole said walking up to them. Alberto sighed, "Do you mind going someplace else?" "Do YOU mind taking a bath once in a while?" Ercole said while pushing Alberto into the water and he transformed back into a sea monster, Ercole started laughing, "Talk about swimming with the fishes!" Maria then went down to help Alberto up and dragged Ercole down into the water and he was all soaking wet and screaming, "'Talk about swimming with the fishes,' huh?" Maria copied and she and Alberto started laughing. Ercole started getting out of the water, "You will pay for this!" He said and ran off. "I wanted to go for a swim anyways, what about you?" Maria asked Alberto "Yeah, me too. Race to my island? I still have stuff there I want to show you." He said, "Sure." Maria said and they both dove underwater and started swimming towards Alberto's island, Alberto showed Maria all the human stuff he collected and Maria was impressed with the stuff he had. They brought the record player with the magical singing lady and played it, Alberto took Maria's hand and started dancing with her.

"What are you doing?" She asked

"Its called dancing! I basically invented it." Said Alberto twirling Maria

Maria giggled, "How do I do this?"

"Just let the music control your body and it makes you dance." Alberto said

Maria started spinning and skipping like it was a ballet as Alberto watched in amazement. He then grabbed her hand again and they both started dancing with each other spinning, skipping and twirling.

After a few hours of showing Maria all the cool human stuff, they swam back home and ate some pasta. They went back up to Giulia's room and climbed through her window to the tree and layed down together looking at the starry night sky. "This was the best day ever." Maria said happily, "I know, right? And are you sure that you aunt isn't gonna come here and take you back?" Alberto asked nervous that her aunt would return to check if he's taking care of Maria or else, "Don't worry, I left her a note this time. I'm sure she won't come back here." Maria said snuggling closer to Alberto "That's a relief." He said and kissed Maria's head "Goodnight, Maria." He said "Goodnight, Alberto." Maria said and they both dozed off into a deep sleep with Alberto's right arm wrapped around Maria and Maria's head laying on Alberto's chest while hugging him.

Chapters: Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7, Chapter 8, Chapter 9

#pixar luca #luca 2021 #luca movie #luca paguro #alberto scorfano #giulia marcovaldo #massimo marcovaldo #maria rose #Alberto x Maria #Malberto #ercole visconti

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press-x-tojason · 3 years

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Giant Bomb is dead, and I care way less than I thought I would. Probably because 83% of the people who I ever cared about had already left or died, or were already relegated to reduced content roles.

Honestly, though, the writing’s been on the wall for a bit. They haven’t had anything worthy of paying for premium in several years, and, even though they’ve had well over a year to figure out a plan for the COVID era, they maybe made it a month with their plans to have a series of streams daily. I actually managed to forget I followed them on Twitch at all, for about 4 months, because they only streamed the podcasts and the occasional former Harmonix employee (who was literally paid to make content with their games while employed at Giant Bomb, which was funny because he blocked me on Twitter for making a post, addressing no one, back in 2014, which was asking about the legitimacy of the leaked list of “games “””””journalists”””””” who had taken money from publishers for positive reviews, a list which included him and multiple then-coworkers. I didn’t follow him, he didn’t follow me. He was manually searching the keywords, because he was, and is, a prick.) solo Rock Band stream in the last 8 months or so. Even when Jeff would manage to do one of his 20 streams from home a year, it would be on his own channel. There was just no content. And they’re surprised their “pay for our unique premium content!” model failed. They always “feigned” anger at Dan for “making” them do the Mario Party Parties, and literally never promoted his and Drew’s Metal Gear series after the first game... but I bet that, when only those, UPF, and the ad-free versions of the podcasts were premium features, those two series were keeping them afloat. Well, that and the remaining goodwill they miraculously managed to hold onto for a few years after Ryan died. Shit, I follow several people who are GB staff-adjacent, and... I can’t think of the last time they mentioned anything that happened on-site. Even the people who’ve been directly supporting them for over 10 years were out.

But yeah, the site is super dead. They pretended in the announcements like they’re going to make a go of it still, but... you’ve got like 4 content people left, and the only one people give a shit about is Jeff. You just saw 3/4 of the side of the site that was still trying these past several months jump ship in a 3 month span. One of those was, by nearly any definition, a founding member. Of which you had already lost one, and are losing another from the main side. Jeff’s been way less active until the last week or two, probably because he heard they were leaving and was like “oops, should probably check on the ship that’s been sinking for years!” Then you have Jason “The Human Mumble” Oestricher, the charisma vacuum, whose legitimate public-facing reaction to first hearing that all but one of his GB predecessors were going to be gone. was, and I quote, “Hoo Boy.” Ben and Jan are the definition of “fine”. They would have been great, as they are today, as secondary members 8-10 years ago. But carry the site, they cannot. They’re down to, what, 5 named members now? It hasn’t been that dire since the beginning of 2009, before they hired Drew, when they hadn’t even started the P4 endurance run. You know, that surprise massive, internet-changing thing that essentially popularized the Let’s Play concept, loosening its definition and making it something that could be as personality-driven as game-driven, made simply to give them something to put on the website, beyond the rare review and, slightly later, quick look. This kinda illustrates the problem with modern Giant Bomb. When they were figuring shit out, flying by the seats of their pants, they came up with great shit, and they gave enough of a shit to make it happen. 0.000% chance they do a 10 hour Thanksgiving Kinect stream if the Kinect was new today. 0.000% chance the core members would have done an endurance run in the last 10 years if CT and Shenmue (which I haven’t watched) weren’t driven by the younger members. And you could see it in the fact that they never made a real, true mobile app. The number one thing that would have made them indispensable this past decade, an app to integrate premium features, the podcast, their video player, etc. all in one place in a mobile-friendly package, that could sync with the website... and they never even raised the idea publicly. I wonder how much of the innovation was the group think-tank of the first 5 years. Beyond Dan’s couple major contributions, I don’t think they added a single new type of content after 2012, which... still means the last 6.5 years lacked any semblance of innovation. I guess that’s a big part of why I fell off tremendously quickly after late 2014. There was just nothing new, and believe me, I was looking. I wanted reasons to stay watching. I supported them with my dollar. I believed in those brave early days. And I went back yesterday to watch the DP endurance run from VJ again. I still miss that rapport. And really, that hurt, too. Vinny moving back east, less than a year after Ryan passed... short term, it was fine. You had more people than ever to cover the gaps. But the spark was gone. The chemistry made the site. When I think of Giant Bomb, I still think of Jeff, Vinny, and Ryan, first and foremost. Those early podcasts, the NintenDownloads, the crazy tangents that everyone could seamlessly follow up on(well, except Brad, because he essentially slept through most of the podcasts, unless he was talking about the thing he did that week), the weird high-concept GOTY stuff... it wasn’t perfect, but you were entertained. You laughed. You were engaged. It never felt like you were watching them working, even though you could see the work they put in. It felt like, when they released something, you were experiencing a group of legitimate friends doing what they wanted to do anyways.(And boy have I seen enough groups do everything they can to NOT be enjoying doing that, and break up as a result due to hating the jobs that they chose to do).

Part of me would love to make it as simple as “Ryan died, and so did the original spirit”, and... to a degree, it’s true. If you go back to any retrospective they’ve done about the founding of the site, or the podcast they recorded after Ryan passed, you can’t help but recognize that Giant Bomb never happens if these core members don’t all quit their jobs, led by Ryan, because they respect their boss/manager, Jeff, and know he’s doing the right things(for them, for the reader/viewer, etc.) ahead of what GameSpot management wants him to do. Jeff could have been left in the wilderness, trying find a spot elsewhere, with the rumor going around between executives that Jeff wasn’t going to help them promote anything, essentially killing their revenue. He would have been done in terms of getting employed by a major site. But Ryan first, and soon after, Vinny and Brad, gave up their jobs to make this fledgling little project go. As much as the ERs brought me in and gave the impression that Jeff and Vinny were the long-standing duo, no, it was Ryan who was Jeff’s partner in crime. And, 8 years later, I can comfortably say... Giant Bomb never recovered from losing him.

But it was so much more. Everything that set them apart slowly went away, in time. I don’t think they’ve posted reviews for games in consecutive MONTHS since 2017; 2018 at the latest. They have done one Endurance Run in 9 years. They have not had a meaningful live event in 6 years. Unprofessional Fridays were more formulaic and lesser in volume and frequency after the major players started moving east. The lack of coordination between coasts killed the camaraderie, to the point that I think one of the last 5 true gameplay crossovers was their series of 2016-2017 PUBG shitfests. I remember when Vinny starting GBEast was supposed to be the start of a new era of content, and... it was, but not in a positive way, like it sounded. When half of each side seemed to constantly have no interest in making anything, nothing got made. But I guess that’s what happens when your second in command in one of your headquarters is just a former marketing grunt with an attitude problem, and the guy with the biggest ego on the team is the one who refuses to move to join either side, and just pushes out the most self-important drivel as a header to what were literally just copy-pasted articles from other sites every week while sitting at his desk, dreaming of the days Gawker would pay him to plagiarize political drivel instead, because that’s what really gets the soulless clicks. One of your founding members becomes depressed due to losing his two closest work friends, one for real, one to a 3000 mile separation, within a year, while the other one who is left virtually stopped playing anything but DOTA 2 for 2 years. Suddenly your most prominent personalities are the 2 new guys(one the aforementioned charisma vacuum, the other a walking mark) and your previously-mostly-off-camera producer who is best known to the wider Internet for... blinking. So, yeah, lifeless. And NOW, all you’ve got is old melancholy dad, charisma vacuum dad, and the two ADHD kids whose defining trait is that they choose to exclusively refer to their partners as “my partner” in voices that make it sound like they are embarrassed to have partners, while also talking more about what their partners are doing than what they do. It’s confounding.

But yeah, TL:DR: RIP zombie Giant Bomb. Glad you’re finally getting taken behind the shed. It took 3 years too long, minimum.

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silver-wield · 4 years

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I wanna hear your thoughts on the scene where Cloud, Tifa and Barret just finished fighting that big machine when the were scaling the wall to go save Aerith. (Sorry I totally forgot the name of the boss) Where the platform they’re on totally gives way and they all start falling.

Just finished the fight, or pre and post fight? Imma do the latter anyway cause I love being validated when I saw something and had people tell me I was seeing things.

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be reasonably long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Other analyses if anyone’s interested.

Shinra HQ vision scene (Cloti/plot analysis)

Chapter 3 (Cloti reblog)

Tifa character analysis

Aerith Resolution (plot analysis/theory – I should probably update this since I’ve had other ideas since then)

Train graveyard (not really an analysis, but I got some sweet screenshots of Cloti)

Clotiscrew tunnel analysis

Cloti reunion analysis

The Promise Analysis

Andrea’s approval (Cloti ask response)

Leslie analysis (not mine, but a good read)

Cloti action touching

Aerti friendship analysis

Cloti body language chapter 3

Cloti healthy disagreement

Now, strap in and enjoy the ride.

Recap time! So our trio have made it almost to the top of the collapsed plate in Sector 7 and they stop to take in the view. After that there's some banter and a boss fight and more action touching. I just wanna say before I start that a lot of this is at a distance, so it's not gonna be much of an analysis since there's so few close ups and all the body language is geared towards protective/rescue type movements, which is pretty obvious.

Gonna start with the pre battle image here of Cloud smiling after making a joke because certain people like to get it in their heads that he's being serious here because it’s a callback to the whole “merc/money” thing. The fact both Tifa and Barret chuckle and Cloud literally smiles – DO YOU SEE HIM SMILING HERE?! – has a pretty simple meaning that he's grown close to them. He's no longer that cold af mercenary who only goes on about money in a serious way. This is his version of camaraderie which suits his dry af sense of humour.

Ok, so our heroes are triumphant and pretty pleased about it. Just throwing this one in for context since what comes next is pretty fast paced.

While Barrett's crowing, Cloud's already noticed something's wrong. That's just how quick his reflexes are. Frowning, looking at the mech. He can tell something's about to go sideways.

KABOOM! Platform starts collapsing, taking Tifa with it. Cloud's speed off the mark here is almost too quick to capture. He goes after her before she even realises she's falling. He wasn't even facing her when she slipped. She made a noise and he turned. That's how attentive he is towards her. Like, fucking hell, man, I'm blown away more and more with every in-depth look at their interactions.

We know Cloud's graceful af from watching him fight (not to mention that dance scene), but honestly, this looks next level even for him! I think this is the only time he goes this far with his body language. He's got his arms wide for balance, legs bent, I mean, he is literally using the tilting platform to increase his speed. This takes so much skill I'm super impressed! And he did this without even stopping to consider what he needed to do. He just did it.

Tifa's reaching for the ground, not Cloud, btw. I don't think she's noticed him yet – he's not quite in her field of vision – so she's attempting to save herself because she's not some damsel.

And if you think this screen was easy to get, you're wrong. I've literally never seen this bit of this scene before, it happens that quick! Cloud leaps without even being able to see if he's lined up with Tifa. This looks like an instinctive action from him. This isn't something he's been taught, this is all him wanting to protect Tifa and going above and beyond to do it.

To further reiterate the last screen, he's just leapt at her and hoped for the best. I mean, he could've knocked into her and sent her flying, but he got his arm around her, swung them both around and then shot a grappling hook all in one smooth action. This is definitely SOLDIER!Cloud in the driver's seat if anyone was wondering. There's no way our poor flawed real!Cloud could do this without second guessing himself. That's why he's got the false persona, so it'll give him confidence in situations like this to protect the woman he loves.

Cloud's totally focused in the moment and relying on Tifa to hang onto him now he's got her. For her part, I think she's a bit “wtaf where am I?” because everything happened so quickly. She's got her eyes squeezed shut, so she was clearly scared she was about to die.

Well, I was trying to grab a different shot that proved my point Tifa had her eyes closed and opened them when she heard the grappling gun fire, but this one's better. Yet another part of this fast paced scene that I didn't quite catch because it all goes by so quickly.

Cloud's got his arm around her waist, while she's clinging to his shoulder. To be fair, this isn't a very secure hold by either of them, but highlights the urgency of the moment. He's not been able to get her in a secure hold so he needs to get her to safety quickly.

Tifa's not even gripping him, which validates how quickly everything happened and how she's not caught up to what's going on. Not surprising, really. This all went by in milliseconds.

I honestly wasn't going to screen this either. It's the part where Barrett's line breaks, but I caught sight of Cloud and Tifa in the corner and thought why not? You'll see the hold still isn't that secure and Tifa's legs are all over the place. I will say it looks like she's got a tighter grip on his shoulder from this angle, so that's something. And...is Cloud’s hand splayed on her butt? I don’t wanna say yes, but the angle of his arm is suspicious.

And this is why Cloud's so damn good at what he does! Barrett's line snapped and he saw him falling from his peripheral vision! How on the ball is this guy?!?! Damn, with everything he does throughout Midgar and – we can assume -- beyond I honestly don't know how he can think he's not a hero. He is definitely a hero. Not a perfect one, but damn, he absolutely brings 110% to everything he does!

Omg Tifa's hold is worse than I thought! She's got her hand flat against his chest. I mean, at least grab hold of his shirt or something! She's barely holding onto him, so this is all him with his arm around her waist making sure she doesn't slip. I've gotta forgive her, I mean, it was quick action and I sure af wouldn't move anything in case I fell whatever the distance is between them and the ground lol

Even though Tifa's position is precarious af, Cloud's still relying on her to be his partner in this situation. He can't save Barrett, so she has to.

This is just a nice shot of how graceful they both are. Reminds me of when they're in the drum separately and Tifa and Aerith fall off the pipe – Tifa lands on her feet, Aerith lands on her face – and then Barrett and Cloud fall off a platform and Cloud lands on his feet and Barrett lands on his ass lol

It's telling that these two have similar balance and grace in a fight – probably why they combo so well.

And if I said the above screens were hard to get it's nothing on this one! This happened between one second and the next! I replayed it a million times to get that shot of Cloud going to put his hand on Tifa's back because I knew that's where he had one of them, but damn, if that wasn't boss level rewinding to get!

Okay, obviously the focus is saving Barrett here, and with that in mind the second Cloud's feet hit the ground he tosses the grappling gun to one side and goes to help Tifa haul him up. He puts one hand on her back and grabs her forearm with the other, lending her his strength and support.

And there's the proof in case anyone doubted my eye. That is Cloud's hand on Tifa's lower back. His other hand is gripping her forearm out of frame. I mean, does he need to have his hand there? Is that supportive in the context of the situation? Wouldn't it make more sense that he has his arm fully round her to stop her slipping? I know some of yall would be like “yes, that's better” from a ship pov, but from an action pov it does make more sense that he's got her in a firmer grip. It's almost like part of him doesn't want to make that closer contact because it's too intimate and he's trying to be professional. It's SOLDIER!Cloud basically. Mr “I keep my distance”. The guy who got them through that whole mess. Which does go to show that Cloud relies on that SOLDIER persona to save everyone's asses, but it also makes him more detatched. However, when there's no danger, he's more himself again.

I'd like to point out that if he'd actually had a better hold on Tifa, like I pointed out, she wouldn't have fallen over because Cloud would've been bracing her more. As it is she's on her ass and after checking Barrett's in one piece – quick look – Cloud's offering his hand to Tifa. We can't see his face in this moment, but we could guess there's an element of oops about him since it was kinda his fault she fell over.

Some quick banter and it's onto the Shinra building.

Conclusion:

Ofc this is an amazing action sequence! Everything happens so quickly that you definitely have to back and watch it again, pause it and examine everyone's faces and body language to really break down the sequence of events and motivations – besides rescue.

Cloud is definitely living up to the SOLDIER hype, even though he's never been one. I wonder how he got so skilled. Is this CC stuff? Or is he just going for broke and getting lucky? It says a lot that he'll just dive into whatever danger is around when Tifa's life is on the line. But, he also trusts her to come through in a pinch too. He just had to say her name and she got his meaning. That's some beautiful synchronisation from them. They're showing how much of a unit they are. Battle couples are one of my favourite tropes and that whole mind reader part of it is just perfection to me.

Even though this is a scene of SOLDIER!Cloud at his best, that side of him also knows he can trust Tifa to support him, and even while he's being all business there's part of him that still yearns to be close to Tifa and has to resist.

#cloti #final fantasy 7 remake spoilers #final fantasy 7 remake analysis #battle couple at their best

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bards-anonymous · 3 years

Text

Feasting On A Lord Session Recap [2/5/2021]

SOOOOO

Todays Session was so much fun and I loved it BUT OH IT WENT SO MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO.

Also, if you are reading this, HI ZACH [ @general-van ]

TO START, the party got separated, Darius and Phineas went one way and Harriett another. All of us dressed in different jumpsuits with NONE OF OUR GEAR. SO like....off to a fantastic start

WITH Phineas and Darius here is what happened

First they are taken to what is a really weird circus-esque version of bottle street.

They are taken by a man to a building where they are told they will need to rest up for later and that a pamphlet is in there to explain things.

On there way there they see some really odd eyeless clown like guards meant to remember the city watch.

THE SECOND they are left alone, they start to go off and look for Harriett, they end up come to a wall of light and are stopped by one of the monster like guards.

They toss said guard into the wall of light (The real MVP of the Session]

The other guards are rightfully mad about it but are also tossed into the wall of light.

Phineas....almost falls into the wall of light but is burned pretty bad for getting too close to it

They book it and hide somewhere until the guards pass them, once they are sure they are in the clear they start to head back to the building they were told to go to.

On their way they find Annie, unconscious. They pick her up and take her with them. [That makes 1/4 Npcs that we needed to find]

She wakes up and tells them a little information but before long a intercom goes off saying that all Miners should report immediately. Which Phineas and Darius were

Annie tells them to go as if they don’t they will be looked for which is very un-good. Say also says that she will try to think of something while they are gone.

They head to the mine and are told to collect 10 pounds of silver and the first 15/50 groups to do so will be rewarded. HOWEVER they are also given weapons to protect themselves....which is a red flag already.

So they head in and come across two creatures that are weeper like but not. They fight them and Phineas gets down to 1 Health....

Darius is able to dispatch them and Phineas is able to get back on his feet. The two collect the bit of silver they found and they move on.

They take some times to listen ahead and they hear commotion and fighting..... SO they creep forward with caution.

They find 2 guys picking up silver and a third being up someone off in the corner and on the ground was a dead body.

Darius and Phineas kill 2 really quick with 2 shots and the third turns around and looks at them panicked.... .which is fair given the situation.

The random guy starts to try to reason with them HOWEVER Darius and Phineas look over and see that the person who was being beaten up WAS THE NPC WE LOVE DEARLY, her name is Rebecca [This means 2/4 NPCs have been found!]

So...The OBVIOUS ROUTE was now VIOLENCE, for reasons stated above.

He tried to run away but Phineas using his void magic yanked him back over and he was quickly killed. [Which was what he deserved for being any amount of mean to Rebecca]

After picking up Rebecca and some more silver, they head forward to get to the exit.

They move on to another area and Rebecca hears something so the party goes and stops for a moment.

They look and up ahead is several dead bodies, a ton of silver and 2 of those zombie weeper things.

Rebecca and Darius shoot one, killing it. [woooooo Go REBECCA] Phineas shoots the other one, but it is still standing.

Rebecca swings on it but misses, it takes its turn to swing and hit her back, and knocks the ever loving daylights out of her.......[NOO]

Darius, mad about that, kills that last creature and finds that they had been guarding an elevator.

They collect their silver and BOOK IT out of the mine.....cause damn.....

SO HARRIETT HAD HER OWN HELL OF A TIME.....

This is what happened with her....

Her cart dropped her into some water where she blacked out. Already a fantastic sign....

She wakes up in a prison cell. Chains are attached to the wall, a blanket sits on the floor and a dog bowl sits on the floor as well.

Harriett picks up the bowl and looks at it. Inscribed on the side is “Lion #3″ [NOW the second I heard that, I was like oh no oh no oh no oh no......It was panic time.]

As she is looking at this she hears yelling from outside her cell. She knows that voice.... ITS HAZEL. [3/4 npcs we were missing were found]

The two talk and Harriett takes a moment to try and figure out a plan. She looks back to the chains on the wall and figures if she can pull it free, she can use it as a weapon.

UNFORUTNATLY.... she makes a lot of noise and one of the clown guards spiders its way down to look at her and its opens her cell.

WHEN I TELL YOU SHE WAS MORTIFIED, SHE WAS MORTIFIED

Harriett already has some issues with weird void magic monster [which is about to become 10 times worse, just you wait] but this does not help to sooth her fear.

The creature moves away and start to open other cells, and then calls everyone to the center.

After a small banter, Harriett and Hazel fall into line.

A man, a ring leader looking type starts to make little announcements and around them is a whole circus full of these clown guard creatures. Harriett is terrified and Hazel points it out.

The man pulls out a dice and rolls for the first event and Harriett is called forward.

It is an obstacle course.

of course it is. but this one has acid and long falls and clown guard monsters that attack you.

Harriett and 2 others race and JUST BARELY HARRIETT WINS

she falls back in like and nearly hyperventilating.

Hazel gets called next and has to fight all these creatures. Harriett warns her to not be cocky. [anyone wanna guess what she was]

At first she does pretty well for herself but the last fight she start to lose and uses her void powers to help her. WHICH IS SO UN GOOOOOOD

The ring leader says its a shame she had to cheat to win, which angers her and she gets in his face

and.....and she swings on him.

UNFORUTNATLY, on impact the sword breaks.....and he smacks the life out of her with the staff he had in his hand.

She fell back to the ground, un moving [WHICH IS NOT GOOD AT ALL]

Harriett is watching in horror absolutely frozen.

The ring leader tells the guards to take her away and to make sure she cant do that again.....which means....she is probably gonna lose her arm....

THis leaves HARRIETT ALL ALONE [ back to 2/4 npcs found....]

The ring leader sends them off sayign they need to rest for tomorrow.

SO now Harriett is at half health, 2 slashes across her cest, all alone, no gear, near panicking

So this is very character changing actually, cause now Harriett is away from her friends, surrounded by the thing she fears the very most, and she feels hopeless.

She is gonna go feral. Harriett is gonna have to go after Hazel because that is the only person she know where they are and she won’t leave her behind. She has 2 plans and she HATES BOTH OF THEM

OH OH OH and something I noticed, Hazel acts a lot like Harriett did at the start of the Campaign. Harriett sees herself in Hazel and WANTS TO HELP HER. Harriett knows what that sort of doom and pride mentality can bring and does not want to see Hazel die. She actually kind of likes Hazel’s company even if she is kinda snarky.

She is just a little street girl, she has never dealt with something like this before. She has never felt fear like this before and its messing with her bad. Because of the 2 painting incidents, the last one being the worst, Harriett is scared of the void monsters and such. AND NOW SHE IS ALONE SURROUNDED BY THEM.

I made a post a while back, about how with all the stress, Harriett’s hair would start to grey. Depending on what happens, I might have it so that this series of events cause her hair to grey out of stress and fear.

Worst part is, she’s scared to die alone. She has so much to tell Phineas and Darius, She has SO MUCH to tell Joseph but in her mind, she may never see any of them again. So now she has no idea what to do in what feels like a hopeless situation to her and she has NO IDEA how to deal with and handle this fear she is feeling. [which she has never felt at this magnitude.] She is gonna break down...

SO ITS BEEN A CRAZY SESSION.....Harriett is not doing well at all. Phineas and Darius are alright....And we still have no idea where Zed is at.....so I CAN NOT WAIT FOR NEXT SESSION AT ALL!!!!!!

#GOD THIS SESSION omg....#IT WAS SO DAMN GOOD #I was so nervous and at the edge of my seat....#I am so damn excited for thursday #I really wanna see how this goes #dishonored rpg #ttrpg #ttrpg stuff #ttrpg recap #dishonored ttrpg.

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loftec · 4 years

Note

Hi i don't know if anyone haven't ask you about it or i'm the only one who wants to read it but CAN YOU PLEASE SHARE YOUR NOTES (ch.44) i don't know if you were serious about that but i really would love to read them cause i'm obsessed with everything what is ntw related 🖤 hope ur well

Hi friend! It’s possibly just you (or one other person, in case of separate anons) but that is enough! I was absolutely serious.

Note on the notes! This is not all of it, because my notes for this chapter were often repetitive and very messy, and some older notes were from four years ago when I didn’t bother writing things out properly, so they barely make sense even to me. But! I’ve done my best to sort everything in some kind of linear order, and removed most of the repetition. And, well, you asked for it... sorry! 🖤

Ian shows up in the morning, Mickey digs out the magazine Iggy stole from Amelia’s dentist’s office the other day and confronts Ian about the big-ass article in Rolling Stone about IAN’S BAND, says he’s listened to some of their songs, takes out a paper where he’s written down some lyrics that sound strangely familiar.

You’re famous!

I’m in a band, people know about us right now, tomorrow they might not. I’m not famous.

You’re kinda famous.

Ian talks about Mickey recognizing him because of Frank. Hints that there might be several songs inspired by Mickey. It’s awkward as fuck, didn’t want you to know.

Were you ever gonna tell me?

Oh yeah, I had a plan. 3 dates, dinner and a movie, day out with Yev, dinner at my place turned vigorous love-making. Second prong; cohabitation, engagement, marriage, then on our wedding night I tell you about crushing on Justin Timberlake when I was 12,

then I tell you I’m semi-famous, if it still applies.

Mickey thinks his face might be on fire.

What the?

I’m fucking with you, Mick. Figured you already knew.

This again?

You angry?

No, I’m not fucking angry. Just-

Freaked out.

Kinda, yeah.

You shouldn’t be. Please.

It’s weird that I didn’t know, I feel like a schmuck. (And I’m pretty sure by your count we’ve already been on those first two dates.)

I’m sorry. I thought you knew and by some fucking miracle didn’t treat me different. I’d been gearing up to maybe have to have this conversation on our date, ‘cause it’s shit sometimes, you know? I don’t do interviews and I never talk about myself when I gotta do them, but there’s still a limelight and a lot of bullshit that complicates

I’ve been crushing on you since we met basically, and I thought I’d just… let it run its course, keep my mouth shut about it and deal until it went away and we could remain friends without me fucking it up.

Didn’t work, by the way.

Good.

Mickey is talking about it with Etch, who suggests that Ian’s been writing at the diner for a reason.

Etch looks up some lyrics and Mickey caps locks them to Ian

You might have inspired a few lately…

Fuck off. How many?

Since we met? Pretty much all of them.

Maybe one or two made it on to the album, but I wrote those before we really got to know each other so they’re just like… about moments, and how I would feel around you.

Didn’t think of it as creepy but it kinda sounds that way now.

No it’s fine

I won’t do it again.

Said it’s fine. Kinda like it.

Yeah?

You gonna tell me which ones are about me, or is that a secret too?

What are you doing tonight?

Thought you said you were going on tour?

We are, it starts tonight. It’s a small fan club gig here in Chicago.

You have a fan club?

Kinda. I’ll put you on the guest list if you want to come.

(Mickey calls Svetlana to make sure Yevgeny can stay with her over the weekend.)

It’s fine if you don’t want to, we’ll do something else when I get back.

Calm your tits Gallagher, course I wanna go. Needed to make sure I’ve got Yev covered.

Oh okay, good. You’re on the list. Doors at 7, gig starts at 8, no support.

You’ve got no chill.

(Ian doesn’t answer for a while)

I like it.

Good, that was torture. Never doing that again.

(Etch teases him about having his nose in his phone, and makes him aware of new guests arriving)

Gotta get back to work

Yeah, me too. See you tonight?

No chill at all.

Ian invites him to the concert and gives Mickey his phone number. Mickey makes sure Yevgeny stays with his mom on saturday, and after work he goes home and gets ready. Showers and cleans himself thoroughly, puts on cologne and a band t-shirt he hasn’t worn in ages, it’s gotten kinda tight on him since he got it. (He puts on a dress shirt first, tucks it into his pants and glares at his reflection).

He’s on the guest list when he gets there, the girl in the box office can’t find him at first but then Anne shows up and points him out, he’s on the VIP list and gets a pass that he’s told he needs to carry so it’s visible. He makes a point of shoving it in the admission guy’s face, but then shoves the ostentatious thing down the pocket of his jeans. Anne shows him in and tells him about the gig, about how the fan club got started. Anne says he can go backstage but he says he’ll pass, thank you. He gets a beer and finds a good spot, there’s a balcony halfway through the venue where he’s got a perfect view of the stage without having to stand in the front.

They text a little, Mickey says he’s there and Ian says he’ll make a sign when they play a song inspired by him.

run-through of the concert, Ian touches the side of his nose when the song is about Mickey. He’s sexy as fuck, and has some ridiculous stripper moves.

He takes off his hoodie at some point, and sweating through his tank he and Anne put on gloves and start hitting the barrels with crowbars.

Anne is the maestro, maybe Ian crowd surfs at some point? Warren Ellis that violin, man. He has little routines with Anne, and some with Jon too. One song, Anne gets one of his guitars and he does noisy stuff with his violin and plays on the oil barrels with Stran, completely in sync.

They got some good stage banter going, and at some point Ian does a Tom Waits impression, and Anne groans and says he’ll sing the whole thing if they’re not careful. There’s a reason why he’s

For the encore, Ian touches the side of his nose and they start playing a song, Anne saying that this is a first. It looks like Ian is about to sing, but then it looks like he changes his mind and they start playing a song that Mickey sure as fuck hope isn’t about him. The insufferable man on a date right next to Mickey tells the woman he’s with that they were about to play the mysterious title track from their last album that never ended up on the record

“it’s derivative, but cute”

how can it be a title track if it’s not on the album

the guy talks about how he’s got a friend working as an engineer in the studio and he’s sent him an early demo version. It’s not their best song by far, but it’s cool that pretty much no one else has heard it.

Mickey asks the girl if she’s ok with this joker, and she says she’s fine. He offers to get her a cab or something, if she wants to get out of there.

She says she’s not interested

Lady, if I wanted to get with either of you, it wouldn’t be you. Just sayin, I ain’t picky, but that guy would’ve gotten the boot ten minutes into the date if he were here with me, no offense.

WHAT IF.

The concert is over, and crowd starts to let up. Then a fight breaks out at the front and Mickey makes his way towards it. It’s over before he gets there, and sees a guy in his 40s with a bleeding nose, and Lip shaking out his fist, a security guard between them.

Mickey talks to the guard and defuses the situation, putting the bleeding man in the position of a sad overzealous fan. It somehow warms Lip to him, absurdly, and he finds himself apologized to, Lip shaking his hand and wincing when Mickey grips his bruised knuckles a little too hard. Lip vaguely explains that that was an old ex of Ian’s, a real piece of work, and then offers Mickey to come backstage with them to see Ian. Mickey declines.

It’s Lip, Carl and Debbie (Liam is too young, and Fiona too pregnant).

“I was drunk, and wrong, and when I’m wrong I say I’m wrong. (IT’S FROM DIRTY DANCING YOU LITERALLY FORGET EVERY TIME AND HAVE TO GOOGLE IT WHENEVER READING THIS NOTE should I really be quoting Baby’s dad in this fic? Probably. If anyone can, it’s Lip.) And Ian tells me you’ve been there for him a lot lately

I wouldn’t say that

But he did, he doesn’t tell me a lot these days, but he told me that.

Mickey gets another beer at the bar as people mill towards the merch and exit, he sits on a stool with an eye on the backstage passage. He watches the band come out to talk to some of the lingering fans and sign shit. Ian comes out and is immediately surrounded by fans, he locks eyes with Mickey across the room and Mickey raises his beer in a silent cheers. Ian comes up to him after a few minutes, he looks damp and exhilarated and unexpectedly nervous,

How was it?

Not bad, Gallagher.

he asks Mickey over. He has to pack up his shit and do the rounds, but he’ll be done in half an hour, tops. Mickey says he’ll meet him outside.

Ian leaves and Mickey finishes his beer, watching Ian talk to some fans, signing shit and taking pictures. He goes for a piss and then goes out for a smoke.

Ian comes out after twenty minutes, carrying two guitar cases and a large wheelie-bag. Mickey takes one of the guitars off his hands and they walk together.

(maybe Ian has a banjo and he gives it to Mickey to carry and Mickey is all really? I wanna kick your ass so bad right now, country boy, but then carries it anyway.) (banjos are cool)

Walk from the club. Mickey mentions talking to Lip. They talk about Ian’s Tom Waits impression. You’re not musically illiterate at all! Talk about Mickey’s Radiohead tee that he stole from a hookup when he was sixteen, he’s grown into it now. Talk about Ian’s onstage dancing, used to be a stripper, well, not saying you can’t still do private performances (?? you know what I mean! this is not what they’re saying but you’ll remember it) (Note from 2020: I DID NOT REMEMBER IT.)

Talk about wanting to learn playing the trumpet. Don’t have trumpet playing lips.

”Sure you and your lips can do whatever you set your heart to, I believe in you.”

Looks at Mickey and smiles.

”What?”

”You’ve been flirting with me since we first met, haven’t you?”

”Maybe.”

”Huh”

“What?”

“Oh nothing.” “Just re-evaluating everything you’ve ever said to me.”

”Re-evaluate this;” gives Ian the finger.

”That an invitation?”

”Fuck you is what it is,”

“sounds like an invitation.”

Ian tells him a little about his different instruments, Mickey picks up the beat up guitar Gus first gave to Ian and strums it, Ian asks him to play him something but Mickey snorts and says he’s counting on getting laid tonight and him playing would be detrimental to that plan. Ian doesn’t think so, but accepts it when Mickey gives him the guitar.

”I’ve walked some thousand miles,” he starts softly, eyes on his left hand, moving over the strings, ”I have slept many hundred nights, and people’ve said hello and bye through the years since you were mine. But don’t think I’ll stop my mourning, don’t I know it’s overdue. Just because I’ve gotten older, none the wiser I cry for you.”

”Honey, cutie, sweetie-pie,” ”My darling boy, sweet old times, as long as I keep you in mind I will remember what love is like. So, don’t think I’ll stop my mourning, don’t I know it’s overdue.”

”Just because I’ve gotten older, none the wiser.”

”I cry for you.”

I’M THINKING OF WRITING MY OWN SONG BECAUSE I WAS THIS MOMENT TO BE MORE BEFORE SUNSET THAN ANYTHING, ALL SMILES AND DRAMA FREE. SO MAYBE A TEXT THAT IS A LITTLE MORE STRAIGHTFORWARD.

Ian plays the song and when he’s done, Mickey kisses him and they have really enthusiastic sex on the couch. Mickey is about to leave after when Ian invites him to stay,

How about some long-ass foreplay on the couch and then they move into the bedroom.

They start on the couch, they take it to the bedroom, they collapse on the bed after and Mickey is feeling too good to argue when Ian mumbles at him to “stay”.

(Sings the song, says it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just a song, it’s one quick thought put under a spotlight. Feeling like he should have known Mickey his whole life already. It’s too much, isn’t it? In the kitchen.

”do you normally take guys home and serenade them?”

”nah, don’t think it’d be very effective with most.”

”But you figured I’d swoon?”

”Figured you’d want the truth.”

”which is?”)

??? Need to find a good mix of excitement and new and easy, balanced with ho shit wtf are we doing this isn’t going to end well i think i fucking love him shut the fuck up. needs to be sexy and a little rough, as well as painfully sincere against better knowledge. kissing will do that. they’re doing stuff the way they usually do stuff, but for some reason it feels completely different.

Important that Mickey kisses him.

They stand up and stand chest to chest, Ian says they don’t have to do anything, Mickey says shut up and get naked

he helps ian take his shirt off and kisses him the second his face comes back into view

They fucks on the couch.

OR ALT FADE CUT END and don’t go explicit. Just saying, it’s an option. A valid option.

They can go at it in one of the sequels? Like the roadtrip can be more explicit? If I want? But also not?

I mean, there is such a thing as a nice middle ground right.

I just don’t think I’m interested in going all out porn after 40+ chapters of whatever.

THEY KISS AND THEN THERE’S A MOTHERFUCKING FADE TO BLACK MY FRIEND, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT I HAVE DECIDED. Soz

WHAT IF!!

Iggy comes in, is all: guess what I found at the dentist this morning?

M: again? Did Amelia break another tooth?

I: It’ll grow back, take a look at this

E: Did you steal that from the dentist’s office?

M: Rolling Stone, wtf?

E: your dentist’s got rolling stone?

Mickey reads the headlines out loud as a customer comes in and asks Etch about something they’ve lost the other day, and Etch starts rifling through boxes behind the counter as Mickey moves over to sit down in Ian’s booth, rifling through the magazine.

M: what am I looking for?

I: I marked the page

E: what’s this note?

Mickey starts reading the article, realizing that the blurred picture is of Ian, and the interview is with Ian, and holy shit. Ian is legit famous.

Etch starts reading the list of coffees, eventually turning the page over and pointing out that there’s a phone number.

Iggy comes to the diner in the morning, Etch is rifling through stuff behind the counter and Mickey is doing the rounds with the few guests still there after the morning rush.

Iggy shows him the magazine he found at the dentist’s and Etch is in the background like wtf is this, reading from Ian’s note with the coffee orders, Mickey only half listens, trying to take in the fact that Ian is fucking famous.

Etch says there’s a phone number too and Mickey brushes him off.

Then he’s like, hold the fuck up! And gets the note from the trash and tries the number, and Ian fucking answers. And they have the you’re famous conversation on the phone and voila, Mickey has his number and vice versa.

So Mickey calls Ian in the morning, then there’s text talk during the day.

From Ian

So, you’ve had my number for x days and you only now decided to use it?

That’s cold.

From Mickey

You wrote it on a piece of paper you then balled up and threw on the floor, asshole, it’s a miracle it didn’t end up in the trash. didn’t know I had it until this morning.

You suck at this. (This is a nice revelation that he likes, but Maybe that doesn’t come across in text.

Not a complaint btw, just gleeful observation.

From Ian

Are we still on?

From Mickey

Of course.

Dumbass.

Ian

I probably deserved that.

At some point Mickey starts capslocking and sending lyrics to Ian, who has to explain through text why he’s written songs about Mickey, saying that he’ll point them out tonight.

HERE’S A QUESTION

SHOULD I SKIP THE WHOLE “WRITING SONGS ABOUT MICKEY” BUSINESS??

Isn’t it enough that Ian is famous and kept this fact from Mickey? Isn’t the writing songs business a little creepy? and if he did write songs about Mickey, would he really publish them without Mickey’s consent? No. Maybe I’m deliriously tired and about to fall ill right now, but I actually think I should skip that part. It’s a little sad because it’s been part of this idea for three years, but if I’m uncertain about it now imagine how I’m going to feel about it later?

When I started writing this story, it was supposed to be a quick and silly thing, and now it’s something else. It’s not important or anything, but also it is. To me. And making a decision on the rating was a big deal for me, and I think this is another one of those things. I’ve been holding on to this idea for so long but when I really think about it, is it even romantic? It’s romantic in that kind of teenage dream way, maybe? It’s more romantic to me if they fall in love for reasons other than Ian writing songs. But he’s written NTW, and he still thinks about performing it live, but we skip the whole thing about songs being about Mickey.

So they talk on the phone in the morning, and then there’s a text coming in after a little while asking if Mickey wants to come to the show.

HEYHO IT’S A REVOLUTION AND I FEEL FREE

Mickey and Ian text after the show (after Mickey declines going backstage) Ian asks him to meet him round back in twenty minutes. When Mickey goes out there, he sees Ian talking to a couple of fans by the bus and Mickey hangs back to smoke while he waits. The fans leave and Ian looks around, checks his watch, he has a bunch of guitars with him.

I AM LEANING HEAVILY TOWARDS MICKEY KISSING IAN HERE. He’s like “Stop, hold this” giving Ian back the guitar, so he can grab on to him and kiss him, smiling against Ian lips as the guitar tips over and clatters against the asphalt.

They’re outside Ian’s house, Ian says he has to get up at an unholy hour tomorrow. Invites him in anyway.

They’re in the elevator, then they’re in Ian’s apartment. Ian plays him the song, Before sunset ending.

almost none of that rhymed, just letting you know. kinda embarrassing.

(almost none of that rhymed, just letting you know. kinda embarrassing.

yeah, it’s not a very good song. is why we cut it from the record

oh yeah? thought it was ‘cause of the like, intensely personal subject

that too)

They smile at each other like fools and Mickey feels like he is exactly where he’s supposed to be, and there’s no rush. Fade to black.

Etch finds the paper, says there’s a phone number on it. Mickey dials the number and goes out back as it rings out. When Ian answers, he reads a question from the interview and they talk.

He goes back into the diner and basically blows the whole thing off, it doesn’t make any difference to him and he has to go back to work. Yevgeny does his homework and Iggy leaves, and Ian invites Mickey to the gig via text. Etch invites Yevgeny to stay over at theirs for a movie night.

Does Mickey tell Yev about the gig?

Start with Mickey out back, smoking. The phone rings and he waits for Etch to take it, but it keeps ringing. He bangs the door and yells PHONE and then it stops ringing. He kills the cigarette and goes back inside. Etch is behind the counter talking on the phone and going through the lost and found, looking for whatever the caller has lost. Mickey clears a table. It’s afternoon. Etch hangs up but keeps going through stuff in the box, talking to Mickey, when Iggy comes in.

It’s maybe more like afternoon (?) when Iggy comes in and shows Mickey the magazine. He calls Ian and they have a quick conversation (he probably goes outside to have it, to escape his audience) and they establish that Ian is sorta famous. Then they text back and forth a little, until Ian invites him to the show.

Mickey calls Svet to arrange it so Yev can stay with her, and then accepts. He goes home after work to eat, have a shower and change out of his clothes. He wears the only band tee he owns, mostly because it’s funny and because it’s kinda tight and he doesn’t think he looks too bad in it (and a dress shirt is way too much for a concert not-date, not that he tried on a couple first. Then he does a little bit of cyberstalking only to find very little personal information and a lot of crazy fans. Maybe he watches a couple of music videos, but they’re all really weird cartoons so they give him nothing. They’re cool though, and guess the music’s alright, even though he doesn’t have a connection yet to it so it’s hard to tell if he likes it.

Yevgeny calls, because Mickey switched the days and he wants to know why. Mickey asks if he knows about the Broken Bells, and Yev’s like duh who doesn’t? And freaks out when Mickey tells him about Ian. He doesn’t tell him about the whole date situation though, just that he’s going to the concert. Maybe Yev asks for some merch.

Mickey takes an Uber to the venue, even though it’s not too far from the diner (but on the other side, so at least a 30 minute walk) and it seems like they’ve already started letting people in. He hangs back until the admissions office is clear and then tells the lady that he’s on some kinda guest list. She can’t find him, and he’s about to give up and go home when he sees a familiar figure in the background. He calls her Stay-puft first, but then also remembers that her name is Anne and calls her that too. She remembers him, and finds him on a different (VIP) list, the venue staff woman is embarrassed, but Anne is borderline flirting she’s so nice about the mistake. Mickey gets a pass that he’s supposed to keep around his neck, but he shows it to the guards and then tucks it down his back pocket. Anne shows him inside the venue and asks if he wants to come backstage and say hello, but he kindly declines.

He has a quick peruse of the merch table (he checks the CDs, and then sees a smaller table next to the merch with a guy handing out pins, Mickey talks to him and finds out that it’s “fan club” pins to commemorate the gig and Mickey asks if his VIP pass gets him one, it does, and then the guy asks if Mickey wants to sign up for the newsletter) and then gets a beer, before finding a good spot on the mezzanine floor. He’s got a balcony railing for support and beer holder, and he’s got an excellent view of the stage. The floor is filling up with people packing themselves against the front. He texts Ian saying he’s here and they text a little back and forth. He gets someone to watch his spot and goes to the restroom. There, he finds a kid getting cornered by a middle-aged man. The kid looks vaguely familiar and not older than sixteen. Mickey steps in and casually accuses the guy of creeping on a kid and the guy immediately backs off, the kid says thanks and that he’s eighteen (because it’s an 18+ gig) and Mickey says sure.

Getting back to his spot, There is a douchebag on a date behind him that he wants to move away from, but he doesn’t want to surrender his good spot. He decides to tune him out, he’ll hopefully shut up once the set starts. It’s just a couple of minutes after eight when the lights dim and a song comes on louder than before, and the band start coming out on the stage. Ian is wearing jeans and a hoodie, like he normally does, but he’s clean shaven and his normally smiling face is set in blank determination. Anne is the front person, and she commands the audience with the slightest gesture. It’s obvious that the venue is filled with old fans, they all know exactly what to do exactly when she asks them to do it. Ian’s got like four guitars and a whole lot of other shit around him, and he’s super focused on doing his stuff, but now and then he does little routines with Anne and Jon, and gets a big cheer for his occasional solos.

A few songs in, Ian gets up to stand on one of the oil barrels, and Anne starts banging on it with a crowbar. That’s when Mickey starts to really get into it. It’s cool, and it’s a lot harder than Ian made it out to be, but kind of theatrical at the same time. Ian is brilliant, even though he dances like an uncoordinated stripper.

There is banter between the songs, mainly between Anne and Stran (girl sure bangs those drums!) Anne starts banging one of the oil barrels again and Ian and Jon do a little step dance next to each other across the scene.

At some point Ian takes off his hoodie. He’s wearing a white tank and he’s already sweating through it. He gives his guitar to Anne and puts on gloves. Him and Stran do a little bant-y thing and then they start a new song by both banging the barrels in unison while Anne and Jon start playing (maybe Jon plays something else, like an electric piano or a marimba?). At the crescendo of the song, Ian takes out a baseball bat and goes to town on the barrel, sweat shining on his muscly arms and his wet hair flopping down his forehead.

They go off the stage, but come back when the crowd chants a song, stomping their feet and clapping their hands. Anne says they’ve got one more song for them, and they start playing. She moves away from the microphone and it looks for a second like Ian is going to step up and sing. Douchebag behind Mickey tells his date about an unreleased b-side to the last album. But then Ian steps back and says something to Stran, who nods and moves into a slightly different beat. Without blinking Anne, steps back up to the mic and sings the last song.

Some of the crowd lingers by the stage after the lights have gone back on, but most move towards the bar or the merch table. Mickey hangs back to watch the crew take down the stage, and the two oil barrels being handed over to someone in the audience, along with set lists and left-over picks. Walking down from the mezzanine floor to go look for the restrooms, a fight breaks out on the floor. Mickey immediately recognizes one of them as Lip and the other one as the creep from the bathroom, and intervenes by clearly positioning himself on Lip’s side and reminding the creep that he could get him in trouble, the creep backs off and agrees when Mickey tells the security guards it was an accident (in a way that isn’t obviously helpful, but in the end still makes sure that Lip isn’t hurt or arrested for punching a guy) (because he did, he punched a guy, who is thrown out by the guards after Mickey’s intervention). Lip, Carl, Debbie, and Liam is there, but it’s only Lip who knows who Mickey is. He hangs back to talk to Mickey while his siblings go backstage (and PROBABLY DOESN’T tell him a little bit about the guy being Ian’s ex, making it clear that Lip really doesn’t like him). He also apologizes to Mickey for last time. He asks if Mickey wants to go backstage, but Mickey declines. He’s decided earlier with Ian through text that he’ll wait for him and thinks it’s better to do it somewhere that isn’t backstage where he might get asked questions and have to talk to people who aren’t Ian.

He gets another beer and stands in the bar next to the merch, watching as Ian and the rest of the band come out to sign some stuff and shake hands. Ian still looks slightly damp from sweat, even though he’s obviously changed clothes and run a towel through his hair. Mickey wonders if his skin tastes like salt. He drinks his beer.

Ian comes up to him after a little while, asking well? (or texts him, which probably makes more sense? But I also want Mickey to see Ian post-show)

Not bad Gallagher, not bad at all.

Ian looks pleased and asks if Mickey wants to come over, even though Ian has an early morning. Mickey says yes and Ian asks him to wait until they’re done packing up.

Mickey finishes his beer, goes to the restroom (where he sees douchebag by the urinal) and then he goes outside to wait for Ian. (He talks to douchebag’s date and offers to get her a taxi before the guy comes out.) He smokes a cigarette, and before he knows it, Ian is by his side, carrying a fuck ton of guitars. They decide to walk, for some reason, talking on the way.

HEY

Ian says he’s got a car coming and they walk a little bit to where they’re getting picked up. They talk about trumpet lips and stuff and Mickey kisses him. They get interrupted by the car arriving, and Ian picks up his guitars and says “you coming?”

Fuck yes

They sit in silence in the car, but it’s a good one. Ian says

Lip told me what you did back there.

He didn’t tell you shit.

He did, told me you stepped in and stopped him from getting arrested

He was getting his ass kicked, someone had to help the guy

And Liam told me you got him out of a tough situation in the restroom

That was Liam? Some pedo’s creeping on a kid by the urinal, I’m not gonna stand by doing nothing.

You know that’s not what happened

Yeah, well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

He isn’t a pedo, and Lip would’ve beat the shit outta him if you hadn’t stepped in.

You defending this guy?

No, trying to say thanks.

You’re shit at it.

Thank you, Mickey

Better.

So… friend of yours.

No. (Ian isn’t forthcoming with the info)

Alright, whatever.

And he’s definitely not someone I wanna talk about, tonight.

(Ian is smiling at him, all the promise in the world in his eyes)

Fucking fair enough.

They arrive.

OR Ian joins Mickey outside and they stand around and talk

They talk about Ian’s Tom Waits impression. You’re not musically illiterate at all! Talk about Mickey’s Radiohead tee that he stole from a hookup when he was sixteen, he’s grown into it now. Talk about Ian’s onstage dancing, used to be a stripper, well, not saying you can’t still do private performances (?? you know what I mean! this is not what they’re saying but you’ll remember it)

Talk about wanting to learn playing the trumpet. Don’t have trumpet playing lips.

”Sure you and your lips can do whatever you set your heart to, I believe in you.”

Looks at Mickey and smiles.

”What?”

”You’ve been flirting with me since we first met, haven’t you?”

”Maybe.”

”Huh”

“What?”

“Oh nothing.” “Just re-evaluating everything you’ve ever said to me.”

”Re-evaluate this;” gives Ian the finger.

”That an invitation?”

”Fuck you is what it is,”

“sounds like an invitation.”

That’s when a taxi pulls up and Ian walks toward it

Could use some help with these.

They ride in silence

They carry Ian’s instruments from the car, and Ian says something cute

Mickey’s like “Stop, hold this” giving Ian back the guitar, so he can grab on to him and kiss him, smiling against Ian lips as the guitar tips over and clatters on the asphalt.

They’re outside Ian’s house, Ian says he has to get up at an unholy hour tomorrow. Invites him in anyway.

There he asks Ian to play him something that other people don’t get to hear (mostly to be a cheeky monkey, but also because he wants it) and Ian plays him None the wiser.

I’ve walked a thousand miles to end up in your corner booth

Grinning idiot when you bitch, falling fool for your dirty mouth

Sitting on my busy hands when you swagger by and I say -

Hey waiter, pour some coffee in my cup and bring me my toast, before you fuck me up

I’ve been in some thousand fights and it’s clear that so have you, too

Faded threats and cigarettes, sharp glass polished by the sea

Wish you’d put your hands on me and make your feelings clear

Hey waiter

meet me ‘round the back door, tell me I’ve got it wrong and fuck me up some more

‘Cause I’ve fallen a thousand times but never felt this way before, like I should have met you long ago

Walked with you by my side and had your back through thick and thin

Sickness and health, come what may, and I say-

Hey waiter

pop the damn champagne

None the wiser

you fuck me up again

Hey waiter

tell me you’ll be mine

I’ll give you my life

and fuck you up in kind

I wish I was just a plain white shirt

then you could wear me off to work

and I’d be one of the things you keep close to your heart

soft white cotton wrapped around your heart

(Contrasts have faded now

but color still haunt my mind

And words ripped off from their lines

Make bitter tears flood my eyes

Don’t think I’ll stop my mourning

Don’t I know it’s overdue

Just because I’ve gotten older

None the wiser, I cry for you)

Honey, cutie, sweetie-pie

My darling boy, sweet old times

As long as I keep you in mind

I will remember what love is like

So, don’t think I’ll stop my mourning

Don’t I know it’s overdue

Just because I’ve gotten older

None the wiser, I cry for you

’Cause I always say ’I love you’

when I mean ’turn out the light’

And I say ’let’s run away’

when I just mean ’stay the night’

But the words you want to hear

you will never hear from me

I’ll never say ’happy anniversary’

Never stay to say ’happy anniversary’

Bom-chaka bom-chak 23 verses

And he climbed up a mountain

And he looked around

Some kind of forest

With all these dinosaurs

And he stripped his woman

He stripped her bare

But there was a pterodactyl

There!

#Anonymous

21 notes · View notes

orangeoctopi7 · 4 years

Text

Everyone Loves an Underdog

: Chapter 1 : Chapter 2 : Chapter 3 : Chapter 4 :

The brothers were eternally grateful that Stan had his own car, so they didn’t have to endure a painfully awkward drive with Filbrick to the gym where the boxing match would be held. Their father took his own Oldsmobile.

“Uh, is the gym on the corner of Beach and Poplar, or Beach and Poppy?” Stan asked as they stopped at an intersection.

“I don’t know, you spent far more time there than I did.” Ford shrugged. “Don’t tell me you don’t remember how to get there?”

“It’s been over forty years and last summer I got my memory erased, cut me some slack, Sixer!”

“Ok, ok, relax! You know it’s off of Beach Street, right? So we just need to find Beach and drive up and down it until we find the right building.”

“Right. I can do that.” Stan assured himself.

They only had to turn around once before they found the gym. Luckily, there were plenty of cars parked outside signalling they had found the correct building. There were obviously some highly anticipated matches tonight. Stan doubted most of them were here for him, though. A three-round match between a couple of minors was hardly the kind of stuff people were clamoring to see.

“Did you two get lost on the way here?” Filbrick asked sarcastically.

“What? Hah, no!” Stan denied. “Ford thought he saw a UFO, we went a different route to see if we could get a better look at it.”

Ford rolled his eyes. Sure, throw me under the bus.

“You two need to stop wastin’ your time with that crap.” Filbrick grunted. “Now go get warmed up, or you’re gonna hurt yourself out there.”

“Good luck!” Ford told Stan as he made his way to the locker room.

“What, like I need it?” Stan called back.

Stanford followed his father into the stands, where they took a seat in the front row. A few spots had been reserved for the fighters’ family members and coaches.

“Hey there, Fil!” Stan’s coach said as he took a seat next to them. “Your Stanley sure likes to cut it close, doesn’t he? I mean, I know he’s more than a match for the Crampelter kid, but you’d think he’d give himself more than five minutes to warm up!”

“Yeah, he was busy goofin’ off with his brother here.” Filbrick inclined his head towards Ford.

“Oh, is that Stanford?” The coach asked sarcastically. “Yeah, I didn’t recognize you, it’s been so long.”

Ford rolled his eyes. It hadn’t even been a year, and he would have quit sooner if his father hadn’t been so insistent that it was “teaching important life skills”. The teen had only been able to convince his father to let him quit when he brought home brochures explaining that State Science Fair winners often won scholarships.

“What’s it been, five months since you quit? I thought you traded in your boxing gloves for a lab coat and test tubes?”

“I’m just here to support Stanley.” Ford answered stiffly.

“Sure, sure.” The coach turned his attention back to Filbrick. “Y’know, Fil, you’re a lucky guy. You got two very talented sons. One’s got all the brains, the other’s got all the brawn! Makes me wonder what’s left for the third one!”

The two men chuckled over the joke.

“Yeah, I would be lucky, if either of ‘em had the sense to put all that talent into something useful!” Filbrick replied. “Instead Stanley wastes all his winnings on that fancy car of his, and Stanford’s got his head in the clouds, dreamin’ about UFO’s and monsters. And they both waste all their time tinkerin’ with that old wreck they found on the beach. It was cute when they were little, but they’re both about to graduate from highschool! It’s high-time they grew out of it!”

“I’m right here.” Ford hissed.

“...What was that?” Filbrick asked, although it was clear he knew exactly what his son had just said.

“I’m sitting right here! I’d appreciate it if you stopped talking about me as if I wasn’t!”

The two older men stared at the teen for a moment, their shock apparent even in the dim light of the stands.

“Finally standin’ up to your old man, eh?” Filbrick finally said. “Maybe you learned something here after all.”

The coach and Filbrick moved on to talking about the other matches that were taking place that night, leaving Ford to steam silently to himself.

I still have to live with him for at least another day. I’ll just have to bite my tongue until the Time Tape is fixed. Then I can say whatever I like to his gravestone.

* * *

By the time Stan got changed into his boxing gear, he didn’t have a lot of time to warm up. But he was a limber, 17-year-old kid. If he could take on a horde of zombies without warning at the age of 63, he could go a few rounds with Crampelter after only five minutes of warm up.

It felt like significantly less than five minutes when the bell rang that signaled it was his turn in the ring. He took one last swig of water from the fountain, popped in his mouth guard, and walked out the door into the waiting crowd. His coach was waiting for him at the ropes. And just behind the coach, in the front row, were Ford and Filbrick. Stan tried to smile at his brother through the mouthguard. Ford chuckled and smiled back.

“Ladies and gentlemen, introducing our junior heavyweight match of the night!” the announcer called as the fighters entered the ring. “In the blue corner, weighing in at 254 pounds and six feet, seven inches tall, Dalton Crampelter!” There was a smattering of polite applause before the announcer continued “And in the red corner, weighing in at 210 pounds and 6 feet and an inch tall, Stanley Pines!” The crowd cheered. This may not have been the main event of the night, but people loved to see a little guy take on a big guy, even if Stan hardly qualified as a little guy in normal circumstances.

Crampelter glowered down at Stan as they both stepped to the center of the ring.

“Yhr hoing doon, Mines!” Ever the bully, Crampelter always had to get a taunt in, no matter how stupid he sounded trying to talk through his mouthguard. Stan just rolled his eyes and smirked.

The referee approached them, looking completely exasperated. He’d worked here since before these two rivals first started boxing lessons, and he knew their history. “Alright you two, I don’t want a repeat of last time. Don’t make me pull you blockheads appart. At least try to beat each other up within the established rules. I’ve lectured you both on them so many times, I shouldn’t need to repeat them again.”

"I hon't if he hon't." Stan mumbled.

Crampelter just sneered.

The ref stepped back and held up his hands. The bell rang, and the match started.

Stan made a jab for Crampelter right away. The bully had been expecting it, and blocked. They continued to exchange jabs for a few seconds, neither penetrating the other’s defenses, until Stan successfully faked Crampelter out, twitching his left hand down and popping the bully in his right temple the moment his guard was down. The ref blew the whistle.

“Hard blow to the head, point red!”

The two contestants stepped back. Stan could hear cheers from Ford and his coach behind him. He could also hear Crampelter’s coach yelling obscenities from across the ring.

They squared up again and the bell for the second round rang. This time, Crampelter came out swinging. Stan blocked the blow, but there was so much force behind it, it sent a jolt of pain through his arm. That’s gonna bruise in the morning. He had to take a step back to keep his footing, and Crampelter took advantage of the momentary loss of balance to drive another punch in, this time aiming for Stan’s gut. He turned his body just in time to dodge the brunt of the attack, but the glancing blow to his ribs still hurt.

Now Stan knew it was time to get serious. He feigned a trip, and when the bully tried to push him over, he surged forward and landed an uppercut to Crampelter’s jaw. The bully gave an enraged snort, and grabbed Stan’s offending arm. Crampelter shifted his weight forward, fully intending to push Stan down to the mat, as though this was a wrestling match, and squash him.

So you wanna fight dirty, huh? Alright then.

Stan pushed back against Crampelter for about a second before reversing directions without warning. He pulled the bully down with him and extracted his arm, rolling out of the way at the last second, so that his opponent landed hard on his shoulder.

The ref blew his whistle again, and stepped forward to separate the two fighters. “Well, at least we got one round where you both fought fair.” he sighed. “Disqualified round due to illegal moves. No points!” The crowd cheered. They didn’t care if it was illegal, they were getting quite the show.

Stan and Crampelter were both breathing hard by the start of the third round. Stan’s right arm was throbbing where he’d blocked that harsh blow earlier, and he could tell from Crampelter’s stance that the bully’s shoulder was hurting him where he’d landed.

Let’s hope I can end this in the next round.

Both competitors rushed forward at the bell. Stan got a solid jab in at the sternum, but Crampelter was more concerned with his footwork. The bully stomped down hard on Stan’s right foot.

“Yah cheatin’ fonofah--” Stan mumbled through his mouthguard. He kneed his opponent in the shin, but that only seemed to make Crampelter mad. The hulking teen bodychecked Stan, glomming onto his head.

Stan tensed up. He’d fought government agents and South American drug gangs and angry bikers. He knew how to come out on top in an unfair fight. He headbutted Crampelter, gaining himself a little bit of room as the bully reeled back from the blow.

“Lef’ hook!” Stan shouted as soon as his arm had room to maneuver. His fist collided with Crampelter’s nose, making a satisfying crack.

The whistle blew for the final time. “Match point due to injury, victory red! Can we get a medic up here to set Crampelter’s nose?”

Stan spit out his mouthguard and grinned down at his family. He climbed down from the ring to the sound of applause.

“Great match, kid!” His coach greeted him. “I mean, as your coach, I kinda have to tell you to not fight dirty like that, but hey, he started it, right? And you still came out on top!”

“Congratulations, Stanley.” Ford was at his side in a second, looking him over with concern. “But how’s your arm? It looked pretty bad from where I was sitting.”

“Don’t worry so much, Poindexter, I’m fine.” Stan assured him.

Filbrick simply gave a small nod of approval. “Good to see you can beat an overgrown gorilla boy.”

Stan gulped involuntarily. “Uh… thanks, dad.” He said with a forced grin. “Welp, we’re gonna head home!”

“Head home? But Somners and Epstein are fighting next!” The coach protested.

“Oh, uh, yeah, but, heh, my arm’s really been through the wringer tonight. I gotta get it patched up, y’know.”

“They got plenty of ice at the concessions stand.” Filbrick grunted. “Y’can’t go runnin’ home to ma to get coddled every time you have a rough match. Gettin’ hurt is part of the game, son.”

That was something Stan knew all too well. In the time between getting kicked out and moving to Gravity Falls, he’d occasionally take up prize fighting to earn a little extra money. He could never keep it up for long though. It was too rough on the body, especially when they paid you to take a fall, and the other guy thought the only way to “make it look convincing” was to actually beat the snot out of you. And of course, no matter how much they offered to pay him, it never seemed to be enough to cover a trip to the hospital.

“Well, I need to go home and work on my science fair project.” Ford interjected.

“Tough luck, you should’ve thought of that before you came out here tonight, Knucklehead.” Filbrick said caustically.

Stan stared at his father like a deer in the headlights. I got my own car, we can go home if we want! He wanted to say it, but for some reason, his insides froze and his mouth glued shut in the face of his dad’s disapproval.

Ford put an arm around his shoulder. “Fine then. Let’s go get you some ice, Stan.”

The brothers made a beeline for the concessions stand, but once they got a bag of ice for Stan’s arm, Ford started pulling him towards the exit.

“Where are we going?”

“Home.”

“But dad said--”

“Oh please, he probably won’t even notice for another round or two. And then what’s he going to do?”

“Probably ground us when he gets home.” Stan guessed. “Shout so loud the neighbors knock on the wall again.”

“Grounding will hardly matter once the Time Tape is fixed.”

“I mean, our past selves will still have to deal with it.”

“We were grounded plenty of times in the past. Once more won’t hurt.”

Stan climbed into his car and tried to figure out how he could hold the ice pack to his arm and still properly grasp the steering wheel.

“Perhaps I should drive.” Ford suggested.

Stan grit his teeth for a moment before finally sighing and trading spots with his brother. “Just don’t drive her like one of your crazy spaceships.”

“That would be impossible. Cars don’t have pitch or roll.”

“Yeah, let’s keep it that way.”

They drove in silence for a few minutes, until Stan winced as his arm gave a particularly painful throb.

“How’s your arm?” Ford asked in concern.

“Hurts more than I remember.” Stan admitted. “Course, I’ve had worse. Well, probably not by this point in my life, but I will have worse.” he rolled his eyes. “Yeesh, time travel is confusing.”

“Yes, the sooner we can get back to 2013, the better.” Ford agreed. “I don’t know how much longer I can take living with dad. I’ve already come dangerously close to snapping at him twice.”

“Yeah, same here. Not the snapping part, funny enough, but I really don’t think I can take much more of him.” Stan adjusted the ice bag on his arm. “Is there anything I can do to help speed that along?”

“Hmmm… you could finish filing off the points on the circuitry while I open up the original Time Tape’s casing and remove the burnt-out circuitry. Just be careful, it’s very fine detail work.”

“Sure. Anything to get back to our own time quicker. I mean, don’t get me wrong, it’s nice to see ma again, but…”

“Can’t say the same for dad and everyone else?”

“Yeah.”

Their mother was waiting for them when they arrived home, having already put Shermie to bed for the night.

“Oh, baby, what happened?” She asked when she saw the half-melted ice bag Stan was holding to his right arm.

“Heh, you should see the other guy!” He joked.

“I suppose that means you won your match?”

“Yeah. Probably for the best you didn’t come, mom, it was a bloody one.”

“Only when you broke Crampelter’s nose.” Ford amended with a snicker.

“Well, what happened to your arm?”

“Heh, I blocked a punch that felt like the giant put all of his weight into.” Stan explained. “Then in the next round, when I popped him with an uppercut, he grabbed the same arm and tried to push me down. I had to twist it around a lot to get out of there, and I think that made the bruising worse.”

Caryn heaved a beleaguered sigh. “I don’t know why you keep on fighting in these boxing matches. You’re gonna get yourself really hurt one of these days!”

Stan shrugged. “It’s fun. And it’s good money. I’ll be able to pay off my parking ticket now.”

“Well, there’s that at least.” She turned to Ford. “And Stanford, honey, did you have fun?”

“Er… fun isn’t the word I’d use to describe it.” Ford grimaced. “But I am glad I went.”

“Oh good. And lemme guess. Your father stayed to watch the other matches tonight?”

“Yeah.” The boys answered in unison.

Their mother rolled her eyes. “Guess I’d better wait up for him too.” She switched on the TV and sat on the couch.

#Gravity Falls #Fanfiction #Stanley Pines #Stanford Pines #Filbrick Pines #Crampelter #My Writing

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salted-cushions · 3 years

Text

All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

Long-ass emo post that takes a long time to get the the point, be warned.

I have taken up running in the past few weeks. I am not a strong runner, but my aerobic capacity is slowly improving and I’m starting to enjoy it... slightly.

I ran a community 5K this morning, and the emailed me my results about an hour later. I ran it in 33:15, which was much better than last time but still slow as fuck in the grand scheme of things - the fastest guy there posted a time of 17:30ish, which I know because he lapped me about 10 meters before the finish line.

So I was pretty confused when they told me I ran the fastest time in my age category. Like wtf? So I opened the results page and sorted it by age category - and it turns out that out of 182 runners, eight of them were between the ages of 20 and 29.

Where the fuck do I find people my age to make friends with? Most of the people in my course don’t speak english well enough to really get to know them, and besides they tend to form their own little cliques based on nationality - the chinese students have their own little groups, as do the indians and sri lankans. The singaporean and hong kong group is a bit more welcoming (and they tend to speak better english too), but like... I can get along with them well enough, but not well enough to be part of the in crowd, y’know? And it feels kinda weird to be the only white guy hanging out with an entirely asian crew. Plus their main social activities seem to be hot pot and boba tea, neither of which I’m that in to.

I’d really hoped that I’d be able to make some friends doing this running group thing, but I guess only the young and old do it. Ever since I’ve moved back to the suburbs I just never see anyone between highschool age and middle age. And the people who are kinda around my age are like... young families who’re starting out with homeownership and having kids, just at a different stage of life than I am. I guess all the young people are living near unis or towards the city.

A few years ago, I wanted friends who went out and got drunk, had house parties, did drugs and had lots of casual sex. And I had that, for a little while, working at a bar near the city - we’d pull 12 hour shifts, sit in the bar after close and drink our paychecks, hit the clubs and dance for hours, hook up with strangers, crash somewhere for a couple hours sleep and do it all again tomorrow. But it’s not as fulfilling as I thought it would be, I think I only wanted it because I thought I missed out in my teens and early 20s. (Hospitality bosses want their employees to do this, by the way - they’ve created this culture where you basically get abused by them and the customers all day, then spend all your money drinking at your workplace to get the bad feelings out, and then by the time the next shift rolls around you’re so tired and hungover all you want is to get through your shift and get drunk again. It’s disgusting, and I hope I never work at a bar again).

So what sort of friends do I want now? I don’t really know. I want to be able to talk about things that are on my mind, share my accomplishments and have them celebrated, get support when I need it and give it when they do. I want to host dinner parties and cocktail nights, and go to my friends’ dinner parties and cocktail nights. I want to go to nice restaurants and classy bars for celebrations, and maybe hit a club and dance until I can’t stand once or twice a year - but not on a school night, that’s not very smart.

I guess part of my problem is I want to do everything and be accepted everywhere (thanks, ADHD). Not that many people want to go and see the ballet or a musical, and also get high and talk about life, and also exercise every day and be fit and healthy, and also get shitfaced and dance until the sun comes up. People I meet seem to have space in their lives for work or school, family, a couple good friends, and exactly one ‘other’. My ‘other’ is a list a mile long, and everything has to be done at 110% otherwise I’m not interested in the slightest. I miss dancing - but there’s no point taking it up again until I can commit $5k/year and 15+ hours/week to competition training, plus probably another $5k/year on costuming, shoes and travel. I miss world of warcraft - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna do 10-15 hours of keystones on top of raiding three nights every week. I miss league of legends - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna play four hours a night to keep my skills sharp, oh and also that game makes me so fucking angry that I’ve broken more than one keyboard playing it. I miss martial arts - I kinda wanna do jujitsu, but it’s so expensive and you gotta buy all the gear straight away, and I know that if I get into it I’ll start wanting to train every day and spend all my time and money on it. Plus I don’t always get along with the kind of people who do it - the typical BJJ guy is either an older dude who realised he was getting fat and had a midlife crises, or a younger guy with a shaved head and intense eyes with dark circles whose bought into the culture with a cult-like intensity and has the vibe of being on the precipice of getting an SS tattoo. I miss magic the gathering, but collecting cards for a competitive decks is an incredibly expensive and time-consuming process with significant setbacks every couple months when a new set comes out, plus MTG people tend to be have this unique combination of zero social skills, zero personal hygiene, and intense arrogance that makes them eminently unlikeable.

I like lifting, but I don’t really like gym culture - if it’s powerlifting, it’s all bearded bikie sorta guys listening to heavy metal. If it’s weightlifting, it’s very insular and cliquey (although the scene in my city is very small, so that might be a poor judgement). If it’s ‘bodybuilding’ - not people who compete, but guys who want big pecs and arms, and girls who want a skinny waist and a fat ass - it’s all ‘yeah brah’ meathead vibes and shallow instagramming. Besides, I spent all this money on my home gym stuff, so I can’t really justify paying for a gym membership just for socialising.

I like running, or I’m liking it so far. I don’t know about the people, they seem a bit too... normal for me. Everyone’s chatting about their spouses and kids and dogs, except the little group of competitive runners who seem to be more interested in training than chatting (funny that). Maybe that’s how I find myself and make some friends - keep moving towards having a house and a spouse and kids and a dog. That’s scary though. Is that what I want?

This has been on my mind a lot recently, to be honest. In a year I’ll be finished with my degree (theoretically) and hopefully find a professional, salaried job. What then? Except for the year I decided I would drop out of school and have a career in hospitality (bad idea), that’s been the point where my idea of the future stops for quite a while now. I know I want to buy a house or an apartment at some point, and since I found out that my sister and I are inheriting an interstate property homeownership is actually starting to sound realistic. I know, in broad strokes, the field I want to work in. But... do I want to live in the city and live the urbanite single life? Do I want to have a family and live further out where there’s space and more greenery? If my research project goes well, maybe I could try and get hired on as a research assistant, or if I find something worthwhile I could put together a PhD proposal (lol good luck with my amazing 1.1 GPA). I could work for the local government, or the state government, or the federal government, or a design firm, or a construction firm, or a consulting firm... the options are so many and I don’t even know how to begin evaluating them.

Of course it’s all a bit of a pointless exercise right now, because I’ll honestly take whatever job I can get when I graduate. There’s a lot of jobs for civil grads, but with my awful grades, dodgy resume and just being older than the rest of my cohort, I won’t have the luxury of being choosy. Public, private, non-profit, research, city-based, rural or even interstate - I’ll be submitting as many applications as I can and taking whatever I can get. And that will cut down my options for stuff like where I like and what kind of lifestyle I want to lead, like I can’t be seeing musicals every weekend and frequenting trendy cocktail lounges if I’m living and working off in Traralgon or whatever, and I can’t be living on a ten-acre rural plot with some sheep and a couple of border collies if I need to drive into the city for work every day.

I’m not ready to turn 30. I’m getting my shit together, but it’s so fucking slow and frustrating. At the start of the year I tore up my life and started from scratch - like I have every few years since I turned 16 - but I think and hope that this will be the last time, now that I’m aware of my patterns, medicated, and trying to plan for my future. But making those plans means... I need to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I need to separate what’s a part of me from what’s manifestations of ADHD. I need to figure out what I genuinely like, and what I think I like because it’s novel, or stimulating, or because I saw people doing it and instinctively wanted to mirror them. I need to dig through the ideal version of myself, the person that I want to be, and figure out what pieces are good and what aren’t. A couple years ago, I had this idea that the ideal me would say ‘I’m gonna do what I want, and the people who don’t like that can piss off.’ Well, I woke up one day recently and realised that I had no friends because that attitude had systematically pushed everybody that I cared for out of my life, so that’s one idea that I’m working on getting rid of.

There is one part of that which is very difficult for me to approach, though... and that’s my ex. She told me that she thought I looked hot with a beard, and so that became part of my ideal version of myself. I normally wear stubble these days - but with the nice clean line shaved into my cheek, just like she liked. I tell myself this is the way I think it looks best. But maybe I only do it because my ideal me is built for her. Before I met her, I already wanted to be fit, healthy and strong - dance training, lifting, sometimes running (but never sticking to it). But fitness was a big part of her life, and while we were together I absorbed some of that from her. It would be stupid to drop it from my life altogether, but I can’t help but wonder how much of why and how I do these things is constructed around her.

I never met anyone who understood me like she did. I’ve never liked sharing hobbies with girlfriends - inevitably they don’t quite get it, just as I don’t quite get theirs. Like, girls who wanted to play video games with me didn’t understand my drive to improve and be competitive - how when I play a game I’m constantly striving, in every moment, to be that little bit quicker, more accurate, more efficient, to make the right calls, to pick the right strategies. To them, a game is just a game to play for fun - and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not how I enjoy video games and I’m going to be intensely frustrated for every single second of you clumsily trying to participate in something I’ve spent thousands of hours getting better at. I can’t even play Mario Party without becoming a ruthless monster, please let’s put on a movie or something before my head implodes.

She got it, though. Not with video games - she didn’t give two shits about them - but about fitness. She wasn’t like those people who come to the gym to half-heartedly do a set on every machine and then go home to eat ice cream, or the people who just do an hour of incline walking while watching tv and playing on their phones. She did research, and made intelligent plans, and took it seriously. She’d grit her teeth and push through the shittiest days, where lesser women (and men) would have cut their workout short and gone home. She badly needed to succeed, so badly that every little failure cut her to the quick. Healthy? Fuck no. But just like me. More than me, better than me. We understood each other. And let me tell you, you’ve never known love until you’ve watched your girlfriend grind her way out of a PR squat that by all rights she should have failed - and then seen the elation on her face once she’s racked the bar and realised what she just achieved.

Jesus, I’m close to tears now. I just wanted to bitch about not having any friends and I’ve once again segued into pining over her. God I’m so lonely. Why am I like this?

Reading over that last paragraph... it does sound like I have genuine feelings for her, and not just an obsessive need to recapture the one that got away. So that’s... good, I think. It doesn’t change anything really... it doesn’t uncover a new course of action to take, or instruct on how to manage my feelings better. But I don’t want to be that creepy, obsessive ex. I’ve felt like that a lot over the past couple years, but only internally... I’ve tried to leave her alone and done pretty well, I think. Like yeah, I think about her way too much and stalk her socials pretty regularly, but if she doesn’t see any of that then... it won’t make her uncomfortable. That’s the theory. And I’m getting better with the stalking... I just open her instagram and say to myself ‘see? still blocked and set to private. you didn’t miss anything.’ and then I can close it and go about my day. Not great, but... better than the alternatives for now.

This is where it all comes together. I want to text her, have another shot, lay everything out and say ‘I want now what you wanted from me two years ago.’ And I think that’s an actual desire, even a plan, not just me desperately trying to grab on to the last few shreds of dopamine I could get from her. But... I’m not ready, and it’s not the right time. I need to keep getting my shit together, so I can face her and be proud of myself. I don’t want to be embarrassed by living in an ancient, dirty and broken-down house - but I’m working on that. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my inability to stick to an exercise routine for more than a few months - but I’m working on that. I want be confident when I say I’ll finish my degree this year. I want to be confident when I say that next year I’ll have a job and be looking at buying a house. I want to be confident when I say that I’m quitting smoking - or, better yet, proudly say that it’s been so many weeks since my last cigarette.

I hurt her, in the past. And I regret it, and I’m ashamed - because as I’ve learned more about myself, the reasons are becoming clear. She wasn’t happy, and she would break up with me. I would say, ‘well of course I don’t want that, but you need to do what’s right for you.’ And then I would go cold for a couple of days until she inevitably came crawling back - until the last time, when she didn’t. I shouldn’t have let it go on. And why did I let it? Because I’m weak and selfish. Because I ignore issues that I don’t want to deal with, and happily go on with my life as if they don’t exist. Because I’m desperate for approval and validation, and couldn’t do the right thing by her because it would have meant losing a huge source of that. Because I think I can get away with anything, and I care more about whether there will be immediate consequences for me, rather than if something is right or wrong or affects someone else.

I took so much from her. Her friendship with our other roommate - destroyed, and at the time I said ‘that’s between the two of them,’ but I was the one who came into their lives like a hurricane. Her house - she was the one who had to move, even though she’d lived their long before me - I was the one who should have moved out, but I said to myself ‘she’s the one who’s leaving, that’s her prerogative.’ Her gym - I should have stopped going there when things were moving towards the end, but I didn’t. Then I told myself that we went at different times now and wouldn’t see each other, so it was fine - until one day when she came in, saw me, went to the bathroom and hid for at least an hour until I’d left. It shouldn’t have taken that much to make me change gyms - and for what! That gym was her community, for me it was just the most convenient place that usually had a free squat rack. And I took it from her. All of these things were so easy to justify - ‘I’m gonna do my thing and if anybody doesn’t like it - they don’t have to stay in my life.’ I was so fucking selfish, and I have so much regret. The only thing I could possibly do is apologise. And I hate apologies - words mean nothing without actions backing them up. There’s no action that I could possibly take that could give these things back to her, so all I could do is grovel at her feet and tell her that I’m sorry and that I’m trying to be a better person.

I’m scared. Even if I do get my shit together and sack up enough to text her, and even if she actually replies, and even if by some miracle she wants to try again - I’m scared that I’ll hurt her again. That I won’t have grown out of my selfish, irresponsible ways. I can SEE the patterns, but can I change them? I think so... but it’s not an overnight thing, and it’s not a neat and direct path from A to B. It’s a messy, unclear, painful and difficult thing that I have to do if I want to be a better person, if I want be capable of having a stable and loving relationship in the future. I can easily see a future where, if all the pieces fall into place and we start dating again, I just use her up and toss her away again - just like every woman I’ve ever dated. Then I’m back exactly where I am today - lying in bed emptying my feelings into the internet - and she’s twice scarred from having me in her life. And then I hurt the next woman, and the next, until I eventually die bitter and lonely, looking back on the trail of pain and heartbreak I’ve left in my wake.

I’m scared of the other options, too. I’m scared that she rejects me and it doesn’t help me get over her. What do I do then? This would be a real hail mary, there’s no third chance - hell, the second is already a stretch. I just cannot go on for the rest of my life feeling like this - it’s been two years! The first three months or so were by far the worst, but after that it’s like... this became my new baseline. A bit of ebb and flow, but never gone. Maybe it’s worse than usual right now because I walked past her last week... and maybe it’s worse than usual because I’m trying to dig these things out from the depths of my brain in the hopes that the light and air will cleanse them. Maybe by going through this phase of rawness and regret, I’ll be better equipped to move on and this will all die down. Although I’m pretty sure I would have to genuinely accept that I can’t have her, and... I don’t know how. Maybe an emphatic and absolute rejection would do that for me. I’d probably have to throw away some of the stuff she gave me. I don’t know. I’m not equipped to approach that idea right now.

And then... what if she says we can try being friends? How do I navigate that? I’m not capable of doing something halfway, I’d spend every waking minute looking for an angle. It’d be an opportunity, not a friendship. That’s... manipulative. I don’t want to do that. And I don’t want to lie to myself and pretend I could do that. I don’t think it would happen, anyway - I don’t see that coming from her. Although I have seen her being friendly with an ex of hers, so... maybe I’m wrong.

And what if she says yes... but then I find out that I was in love with the idea of her that I’ve constructed over the past two years, and the person she is now doesn’t resemble that at all? What if I was just caught up with new relationship energy and a novel person, and really the connection and rapport wasn’t as deep as I remember it being? What if I do everything right this time, and still end up unhappy? I know that dating is always a risk, but... I don’t want to be dumping her six months down the track because she didn’t live up to this ridiculous, unrealistic fantasy version of her. And I don’t want to end up a bitter old man in a loveless marriage, any more than I want to end up a bitter old bachelor with a collection of broken hearts. I think about it and I’m pretty sure that the connection we had was real, and the reasons I want her are real and accurate - but ever since I started wrapping my head around this ADHD thing, I’ve stopped trusting my perceptions of things so much. If I want something, my brain will tell me pretty much whatever I need to hear so that I can rationalise my doubts away.

And that’s part of this whole thing - all this work that I’m trying to do on myself, how much of it is for her? I say it’s for myself, but I wouldn’t put it past me to be rationalising it that way, when it’s really all part of a larger scheme to win her back. Like, I clean my kitchen benches with spray and a cloth every single day now, sometimes two or three times if I’m cooking a lot. I think that’s because I want my house to be cleaned to that standard - but she had extremely high standards of cleanliness, so maybe I’m just trying to make myself the person who can tick that box for her. And I can say, well, if that’s the case that’s ok - the motivations don’t matter as long as you’re improving yourself. But if that’s the case... what happens after I text her? If we get back together, and my brain goes ‘cool goal achieved, we can shut this all down now’ and all the good traits I’ve painstakingly developed collapse back into nothingness. Or if she says no and I actually accept that, then my brain might go ‘ok this is pointless now, let’s get rid of it’ and the exact same thing happens? I want to be a whole, complete person on my own - and a good, responsible, reliable person who does stuff like keep a beautifully clean house - and so the idea that all of that might be built around this hope of having her back in my life is... uncomfortable, at least. As is the idea that I’m constructing a persona who’s only purpose is to win back an ex-girlfriend, as if life is some stupid romcom.

This has gone way off track, so... I’ll leave it there. R, if you’re reading this... I’m so, so very sorry about so many things. I hope you’re not reading it, because I’m not ready - for the apology itself, or the conversation that might follow. But I also hope you are reading it, because that would put the ball in your court and absolve me from the need for action - and I’m still too weak to do the difficult things in life.

When I told you I would come with you, I should have followed through. And I had reasons for not doing that - like I told you in my letter - but looking back I don’t think I was being honest with myself or with you. I was just too weak to do the difficult thing, and so I told myself half-truths until they sounded true enough to tell to you. All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

That’s it from me, everybody. Thanks for reading my blog.

#adhd #long #long post #poetry #...sorta #relationships #adhd relationships #emo #regret #loneliness #a bloo bloo bloo #prose #i miss you #i’m sorry #blog post

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