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canonicallyobserving911 · 3 months

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Hi how's your day going? Just wanted to vent and say I'm pissed at what sounds like Ryan being sidelined and casually belittled in the latest cast interview/promo 😑 i.e. apparently zero mention of Eddie's storyline for s7, Tim once again making the tired joke about eddie being "too pretty to kill off" (kind of insulting considering how much Eddie and Chris have brought to the show since s2), seems like the only thing Ryan got to say was something incredibly sweet and complimentary about working with Gavin 🥺😍 and fandom just thinks it's funny "well he IS pretty". If that's all Eddie is to buddie fandom...that just confirms everything I've been complaining about the last couple of years 🙃

Thank you @blutterlie for the ask. I'm doing well and I hope you're doing well too.

I read through the snippets that were posted on 911blr from the panel interview that was done a couple of nights ago with the main cast and the showrunner and... I really don't have words. But to say I was disappointed is an understatement.

I was really hoping things would be different for Eddie and Chris, the characters and RG and GM, the actors this season since it seems like KR got the boot and is no longer sitting in the showrunner's chair. Hopefully she is gone and if so, maybe someone other than Buck (Eddie, Chris, Chimney and Bobby because they were all sidelined in the last two years while the other half of their ships got good storylines) can get a storyline or two but I can't say I'm surprised with the outcome.

Apparently TM cares about the big emergencies which is great and all but it would be better IMO if they stopped trying to recreate scenes from movies (Speed, Poseidon and whatever other movies they've copied) and focus on growth of the main characters. I've mentioned this before in my Constructive Criticisms posts but none of the first responders have been promoted. How long are they going to remain in their same roles? For me, the show has lost something and I'm not sure a cruise disaster that puts Bobby and Athena in danger again for the umpteenth time is going to make people watch... but I digress.

I'm saddened because RG and GM the actors and the characters they play, Eddie and Chris have been sidelined and given minimal screentime for a while but the little amount they do get is always solid gold because both RG and GM are superb actors. They work very well together and I had hope for season 7 that they would finally be given the screentime they deserve especially since they barely got any in seasons 5 and 6 but it looks like another wash, rinse and repeat season with Buck still looking for answers (which I figured would be the case after I completed a post about his attire in the still of him and Chris). I was really hoping it wasn't going to be another season 4 with Eddie and Chris suffering with another recurring character (all they did was replace AF with M) while they wait for Buck to finally "get it" but apparently some people think it's fun and cute for Buck to be in the words of OS, "stuck on a hamster wheel" but I don't and honestly, unless he's headed for a massive breakdown SO he can finally DEAL AND COPE with all his issues, they can keep it.

The comment TM made about RG being pretty was just... 🙄. IMO, it was disrespectful, disgusting, disingenuous and completely discrediting. If it's true and he was initially hired for his looks for whatever reason, shouldn't they be past that by now? It's been six years and RG has proven time and time again that he's a fantastic actor. For those who forgot, EDDIE carried the ENTIRETY OF SEASON 5 on his back while KR was stumbling around as showrunner with most of the "top billed" cast (that's two-thirds of those who are paid the most) out of pocket. AB was working on A LOT of other projects and that's no hate to her but it's true, JLH was on maternity leave, RD and MR left the show and instead of giving more screentime to Eddie, Bobby and Chimney, they forced TK into the spotlight just to show how bad she was for Buck. They could have done that in episode 1 without giving her a back story so they could have dedicated more time to Eddie’s PTSD and therapy. Buck got two whole seasons and he still hasn't figured anything out but they rushed Eddie’s story and wouldn't even let him say he was going back to the 118🤔.

How many times will the audience have to watch these repetitive storylines? Also, how many times will RG, AH, GM, KC, CM and PK be sidelined for the other mains? It's supposed to be an ensemble cast but someone keeps forgetting that and pushing certain characters out front while they push the others to the side. In season 5, Chimney was sent on a road trip to drive across America with a 6-month-old instead of him staying in L.A. so Buck and Albert could help him with Jee-Yun. In season 6, Bobby was given a sponsor (Wendell) no one had ever heard of before and he appeared out of thin air. Hen's medical school storyline went absolutely nowhere and May disappeared after 6x11. And Eddie and Chris were once again sidelined and then pushed into another "Eddie has to date" because "Chris needs a mother" storyline with another bland and ridiculous recurring character because they keep dragging out whatever the "F" they're doing.

Now with the comment about RG being "too pretty to die", it made me wonder if Eddie and Chris being left out of the promos was a mistake after all🤷‍♀️.

I hope RG and GM can find a show that will appreciate their contributions and give them the screentime they deserve and it be based on how great they are as actors because they deserve so much better.

Anyway, this got longer than I expected and I didn't mean for it to but I'm disappointed in how they're treated and I'm tired of watching the same ole same old.

#eddie diaz #evan buckley #christopher diaz #911 on abc #911 abc #911 season 7 speculation #ryan guzman #gavin mchugh #Canonically Observing 9-1-1 Speaks #anti taylor kelly

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siredisco · 21 days

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freemind... He starts the series as a very abrasive but harmless guy. Only experience with guns being watching Top Gun repeatedly. People don't react to his threats, so he makes them often and they don't mean a thing. He's late to work very often. People act like he isn't very good at his job. He goofs off at work.

This character stays pretty consistent for the majority of the first half of the series. Until the chapter Apprehension ends, he takes a while to stop thinking about the fact that he's killing people and that this is the first time he's ever interacted with guns. He's hungry all the time. He considers curling up in a vent and waiting to die and only doesn't because being hungry would be worse.

Then the ambush happens and he goes through the following chapters not really remembering what happened to him, fully willing to kill anyone and everyone he meets the moment he realizes that's adjacent to what he was doing before the ambush, and he's unbothered by the idea of mass murder. Violence ceases to phase him at all.

He is also an incredibly silly person throughout and. Probably has echolalia. He makes goofy noises, meows, beeps (especially when something has just beeped at him), jumps for joy on two occasions, garbles words horribly, likes repeating words until they blend together and barely sound like the originals, that sort of thing. Interestingly, that takes place primarily before the ambush. He's still silly afterwards, but. Different.

He is also horribly /tired./ I can see, as the series goes on, him slipping up and making more stupid mistakes just because he isn't able to think straight. He almost walks into a tripmine because he hasn't slept in two-three days. The last time he was awake for four days in a row, he thought frog people were invading his house.

There's a lot to love about him. I think about him a lot these days.

I have personal ideas that line up with what you said about the echolalia and noises. One of the parts I'm focusing on is the Apprehension/post-Apprehension change, because it's so interesting, especially in ways of coping mechanisms. I have some of my own little theories I'm going to write about (such as- I think he's physically fit but also may have a physically disability/some type of chronic pain. Purely because of his eye loss and drug use history. It's in my brain all the time as a human with chronic pain, but cannon is sorta different, so we'll see if it comes up).

He's my choice because of how interesting and complex he is as a person. His family relationships, his reactions (lack-there-of), the pirate episode (so important), and speech patterns/ how he talks to/ about others. It's all so. . . In my mind. All day. Your notes specifically get him more in brain, because they're so good and helpful because I don't have to time to watch every episode again for this (but I'm watching it congruently).

This is such a good view overall. The hunger part is something I brought up in a short answer I wrote for this same class a week~ish ago. I get to go crazy and this just provides me more food-for-thought. Yaay thank you.

#rambles #freemind #freemanverse #gordon freemind #mutal ask

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kira-anon-uwu · 4 months

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chunk from my write's block document

context: i have a fic just for me that i've only shared the majority of with one person that i only work on when i can't focus on anything else. it probably will never see the light of day but here's a funny part that i genuinely feel bad not using in something meant to be posted.

~-~-~

He climbed the ladder in the meantime, idly tapping his hands against the empty part of the shelf as he waited for Wilbur to come back.

"So, I'm hoping you spent your time at home resting,", Wilbur started as he handed up books.

Tommy let out an annoyed groan, contemplating dropping a book on the man's face. "Can we talk about literally anything else?"

"Thoughts on the art of eating sand-"

"I slept while I wasn't here, yeah."

Wilbur exhaled out of his nose with amusement. "That's good. And you explained it to your parents?"

"Yeah, and they didn't bother me about it nearly as much as you are."

"That's not as comforting of a statement as you think it is."

"It's my way of telling you you should drop it,", he rolled his eyes.

"And this is my way of making sure I'm not going to have to file an insurance claim of some kind because you dropped dead in the middle of my store."

"Please, give me some credit; I'd go die somewhere out back, probably."

"Tommy, am I going to have to start making regular checks of the alley to make sure you're not sitting back there like a salvage animatronic?"

"Y'know what? Yes, you do. Gonna wait for you to drag my ass back inside so I can hide in the vents and kill you."

"Which one would you be?"

"You can't hit me with a question like that and expect an immediate answer,", Tommy stopped to think about it, ignoring the way Wilbur was laughing at him as he genuinely considered it, "Probably be Lefty, I recon."

That made Wilbur laugh even harder, dropping the book in his hand back in the box as he tried to collect himself again. "Why Lefty?"

"Because he's cool, and he's got the fucking puppet inside of him."

"I was assuming you'd say some shit like Moltent Freddy."

"Well yeah, if I wanted to be basic about it."

"And what about me, then?"

"Easy; you get to be purple guy."

"Tommy, I didn't sit there and listen to you explain that whole fucking timeline for nine hours for you to compare me to a child murderer."

He looked down at the man with the smallest amount of empathy he could muster, giving him a shrug.

Wilbur glared at him before moving the ladder down the shelves.

"Holy shit, you don't have to prove my point!", Tommy's grip on the ladder tightened, and he leaned closer to it as the wheels grinded against the rails.

"Sorry, couldn't hear you over my insatiable bloodlust. I'm trying to make Remnant."

"Think you making me bust my fucking head open would be Agony instead!"

"I am being one-hundred percent honest with you when I tell you I do not know the difference between the two, and I genuinely do not give a fuck."

"I don't think Scott Cawthon does, either."

"Can we stop with the FNAF talk now, please?", Wilbur sighed, "Bringing it up again reminded me of how exhausting it is to think too hard about it."

"You're the one that brought it up!"

"And now I'm the one putting it away; sticking the missing children in their graves, one might say."

"Ok, Mr.Afton. How many more books are there?"

"I will beat your ass."

"Oh, but you were so worried about me before."

Wilbur rolled his eyes, moving the empty box from the top of his cart to get to the next one. "That was before you started calling me fucking William Afton."

"But think about it; same first name, he probably stank as well, you've probably murdered a few people-"

"You can't prove that."

"I can absolutely prove that you stink,", Tommy snorted, going to grab the next book from Wilbur's hand.

The man narrowed his eyes at him, waiting for Tommy to have a good grip on the thing before yanking it back hard enough that the ladder Tommy was standing on started falling backwards from the shelf.

Wilbur managed to catch him before he hit the floor, but the sudden motion absolutely did not feel good on his injury.

#tommyinnit #mcyt #mcyt fanfiction #fanfiction #wilbur soot #fnaf #idk what do you want from me #snippet

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palettepainter · 3 years

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How the teachers play favourites

We all know Aizawa and All Might have their favourite UA child, Shinsou and Midoryia. And yeah I know Bakugo and Todoroki are also their UA kids but shhh, Midoryia and Shinsou where the first UA kids they adopted.

And you can’t tell me Aizawa and All Might play favourites with them, All makes Deku lunch like..hello?? Aizawa gave Shinsou his capture weapon, HELLO??

So here are some dumb headcannons for how the other teachers play favourites to their UA kids

Ectoplasm and his UA kid Jiro:

-When he gives back marked tests he’ll sometimes write small encouraging notes for his students to read, he does this to some students when he feels they need a pick up but he always leaves a positive one on Jiro’s

-During lessons where students are allowed to study in the lesson Ectoplasm lets them listen to music on their phones, everyone thought he would say no so everyone - mostly Kaminari and Mineta - peer pressured Jiro to ask. To no ones shock except Jiro’s Ectoplasm replied with a calm “Sure, but only if you use your headphones”

-Jiro talks about new songs that have been released and Ectoplasm will listen to her geek out about music

-Sometimes Jiro will tell Ectoplasm what her and the rest of the band (herself, Kaminari, Momo, Tokoyami and Bakugo) have been doing and if they’re working on any new songs in-between their studies. Jiro jokes that Ectoplasm is their biggest fan but Ecto is genuinely supportive of their band and admires their creativity

-Jiro once entered maths class and said “Hey miter Ecto, what’s shakin’ bacon?” and while the whole class was stood there in silence thinking Ectoplasm wouldn’t reply he said “Not much double dutch” and then Jiro went to her desk as thought nothing out of the ordinary happened. Kaminari tried to do the same thing to him and Ectoplasm just went “Kaminari your shoe lace is undone-” Jiro was very amused

Powerloader and Hatsume:

-This one started out more like this - Powerloader: Who’s idiot kid is that?....*realises it’s Hatsume* Oh shit- THAT’S MY IDIOT KID-

-Hatsume showed up at the design studio and never left basically, so Powerloader got used to her. He knows Hatsume overworkers herself so he keeps spare energy bars, fruit and bags of crisps in the design studio. He brought a small microwave and kettle for the winter so Hatsume could make hot drinks and food since she insisted on finishing her ‘babies’

-Say’s he doesn’t worry but still insists she goes to recovery girl when she gets a scratch or blows up the studio, sometimes dragging her there himself, ranting all the way about how she’s an idiot. One day Hatsume ended up breaking her leg during a bad explosion and Powerloader very nearly had a heart attack-

He kept a close eye on her while she worked from a wheelchair at her desk

-Makes her wear a god forsaken jumper in the winter when the design studio is freezing, stupid dumb teenager you’ll catch your death of cold

Present Mic and Kaminari:

-This man is shameless with playing favourites

-He greets Kaminari with his signature finger guns and an enthusiastic “AAAYYYY KAMINARI!” Kaminari shoots finger guns back with an “Ayyyyy teach hozit hanging?!” Everyone in class knows Kaminari is a teachers pet despite how Kaminari insists he’s not

-Mic knows Kaminari has a crush on Jiro and Kaminari is an embaressed child who is like “omg msiter Mic STOP-” while Present Mic is coeing and being all like “Aw that’s adorable!”. He always puts Jiro and Kaminari together in group projects, Kaminari shoots him a flustered glare cuz Present Mic knows what he’s doing

-Kaminari teaches him meme/slang language for laughs and everyone in class hates it, Kaminari finds it hilarious. Eventually Mic gets the hang of it but he sucked at using the language correctly at first

-Calls him lil listener and Kaminari calls him loud mouth

Midnight and Yaoyorozu

-Another teacher who is shameless with playing favourites

-Midnight being a teacher does have to enforce the dress code if she sees a student wearing their uniform incorrectly - loose tie, untucked shirt, odd brightly coloured socks, chockes, etc. Midnight really doesn’t care all that much if a student’s socks aren’t the sae colour as their shoes...buuut she’s a teacher so she has to enforce it. Except when it comes to Yaoyorozu. Yaoyorozu one day had to wear light blue socks into UA as her tights where damaged, and she was worried she’d be called out for not following the dress code. Midnight saw, and turned a blind eye. She was in the middle of telling someone off for not dressing correctly, saw Yaoyorozu with the odd coloured socks and went “-Oh hello Yaoyorozu you have a good day sweetheart! ^^”

-Always complients Yaoyorozu when she comes into class. Oooo did you try a new hair style? Honey it suits you! New note book, such cursive hand writting! Glad to see you got those new pair of shoes, trying a different shoe brand this time? Very stylish!

-Had been tempted to kick Mineta like a beech ball on more then one occasion when he wouldn’t back off from Yaoyorozu

-The kind of teacher to say “I taught her that~” when Yaoyorozu uses one of her combat techniques

-Girl gossip. She tries to guess who Yaoyorozu will get with, meanwhile Momo is just blushing and blabbering because that isn’t very appropriate for history work. Midnight bats a hand is like “Pft I’m the teacher I can gossip in my own lesson”. Puts her with Todoroki during group projects and she, like Mic, 100% knows what she’s doing

Hounddog and Shishida

-Hounddog: I am not soft....*holds up Shishida* EXCEPT FOR MY 1B CHILD WHO IS VERY STRONG AND HE’S GOING TO BE A HERO DON’T @ ME HE’S AMAZING-

-Encourages Shishida to let loose with his beast form, with his rish upbringing Shishida isn’t used to embracing his more wild and uncaring side, having been raised to always be propper and polite when not in combat. Hounddog geuenily puts in effort to be a little less grumbly around Shishida cuz he doesn’t wanna peer pressure him, he’s giving him time

-Keeps a spare cloth so Shishida can clean his glasses off when and if they get dirty from training

-I imagine Shishida having a quirk called beast and having a more posh upbringing prolly has a little bit of anxiety, having to always be polite and propper even with a quirk called Beast. Sometimes he vents to Hounddog about this and he listens, insisting that it’s better Shishida get it off his chest when he apologises for drowning on

-During training Hounddog basically throws him about like a beanie bag at first, Shishida was still a kid and Hounddog had years of experience. The day Shishida finally knocked him down with a hard punch to the side of Hounddog’s face he felt...bad. But Hounddog was beaming! Shishida may have cried a little bit

Snipe and Hagakure (picked hagakure inspired by a suggestion @snipe-enthusiast made a while ago)

- Protective af

-Hagakure screams the innocent dorky girl of 1A, and thought Snipe makes sure none of the girls deal with Mineta’s bull while he’s around he’s especially protective of Hagakure just cuz...well, have you seen the way she acts? She’s innocent, peppy, happy, cheerful, and Snipe does not want that tainted by Mineta’s preverted ways

-After the exam with Hagakure and Shoji Snipe apologized for what happened and so did Hagakure, admitting that she over-reacted.

-Hagakure admits one day to Snipe that she’s worried she won’t make it as a hero cuz her quirk isn’t flashy like her classmates. Snipe reassures her by saying that no one thought he could be a hero when he was little (this headcannon was inspired by @frelmidja and a post this did with Snipe) - guns weren’t exactly considered heroic and he got teased in the beginning when his quirk first activated. He told Hagakure to keep working hard and that she had the potential and the drive to be a hero, Hagakure was very thankful for the reassurance

-Hagakure really wants to see what Snipe’s face is like and constantly asks him if he could take his mask off and show them, Snipe has yet to break and take off his mask but Hagakure is very persistant

Cementoss and Bondo

-Chill babies, they sit and have tea together.

-I imagine Bondo to be the kind of person to accidentally call Cementoss dad, it happened once during one on one training and he got so embarrassed. Cementoss kept telling him it was fine but Bondo left in a hurry after

-Bondo tried to make certian shapes out of his glue one time but ended up getting himself stuck, Cementoss helped him out and reassured a disheartened Bondo that everyone makes mistakes and that he was progressing well

-Being one of the taller boys in 1B he often has to hold back Monoma from going over to 1A when Kendo isn’t around, often tries to diffuse conflict before it gets worse, Cementoss is very proud

-After one on one training the two go to the lunch hall to get a hot drink after cleaning themselves up, Bondo tries to bring a different type of tea sweet each time - something like biscuits or chocolate. Cementoss returns the favour by bringing Bondo manju to have after his training

Thirteen + Gunhead and Uraraka

-Proud mum and dad because I couldn’t decide between the two

-Uraraka researches into the affects of zero gravity and how to better use her power, due to this she’s become a bit of a space nut and enjoys thinks like star gazing. When she was a kid and saw Pro Hro Thirteen on the TV she was ecstatic! Her parents brought her a Pro Hero Thirteen plush on her seventh birthday, Uraraka still has that toy. One day the toy got misplaced in the students washing and got mixed up with the teachers, Thirteen was a bit confused why a plush of her - and a well loved one by how old it looked - ended up in the wash. Uraraka hurridly rushes over to explain when Thirteen comes into the students dorms asking if it belonged to anyone. When Uraraka explained she got it when she was younger cuz she’s a big fan of Thirteen...heart squeeze

-Asked Uraraka if she could teach her the gunhead martial arts move, Uraraka was so honored she got to teach one of her idols a combat move! Through the gunhead martial arts move Thirteen met Gunhead and the two become good friends

-One day when Gunhead is teaching Thirteen the martial arts move with Uraraka to help demonstrate Uraraka wanted to take a picture of them all together. Gunhead was too tall to fit into the picture so he kneeled down to be at the same height as Thirteen and Uraraka (he did bunny ears behind Thirteen’s head and Uraraka thought it was adorable)

-Gunhead pretty much puts two and two together with Uraraka having a crush on Midoryia, so one day when Thirteen mentions in passing conversation how giddy Uraraka gets when she’s around this one green haired kid Gunhead just chuckles behind his hand. Thirteen and Gunhead think it’s very sweet how Uraraka totally has a crush on him (unlike Mic and Midnight thoug they don’t force anything and let Uraraka figure things out on her own)

#MHA #MHA UA #UA Teachers #Teachers #Ectoplasm #Snipe #Midnight #Mic #Present Mic #Thirteen #Gunhead #Students #UA child #headcannons

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jimines · 3 years

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Whats actually happened between you and taemaknae? I read about it on the tea blog and still confused

This is an insanely long story so I'm going to put it below the cut so for anyone interested in this absolute shit show, continue on.

Essentially, I posted these headers about a month ago:

It was a set of like 8 colours and it was the first time I had ever posted any headers or anything. The issue nic had with these, was the ripped paper bottom. Because apparently you can trademark that. I had asked a (now ex) “friend” of mine if she knew where I could find the ripped paper effect because I had seen the effect on the header of her network blog and I had been trying to find a similar thing for months and google images never gave me anything good. She ended up referring me to google images anyways and after like an hour of dedicated searching, I found this ripped paper effect and used it. This ex “friend” went on to tell another friend of mine that I had "asked where nicole gets her resources for her headers" and then screenshotted my dm as "proof", which still confuses me because I never mentioned nicole there lmao. I've seen the screenshot.

Tell me where I said nicole. It was literally just a question born from seeing the header they had on their network lmao. I feel it’s important to mention I didn’t know this person ran said network at that time, which is why i said “these people”.

This other friend then came to me and just said my headers "may be seen as similar to nic's” and said she noticed it on her own and never mentioned my other “friend” approaching her. I was confused because other than that ripped paper effect that I know many people on tumblr use, I saw no similarities. Nic's headers are usually more complex and more than just a coloured background with a little effect in it. I just wanted to make some simple headers for fun because I was bored. But, regardless, I messaged nic about it to make sure she didn't feel the same way. I told her a friend of mine was worried nic might think my headers are similar to her's and I assured her that if she found them similar I would take them down, no questions asked. Nic told me she was surprised this friend brought it up and told me that it was entirely up to me if I found the headers similar. She never once told me she felt they were the same, never mentioned anything about them, she insisted it was up to me to do as I pleased. So, since I genuinely found no similarities, I left them up.

About a week went by and things between nic and I were fine, or so I thought, based off the fact that she was interacting with my posts, sending me cute asks and replying to a lot of my comments and stuff being kind and whatnot. Then, I decided to post a small list of my creations and the series I had running at the time.

After that, all of a sudden I got an influx of rude hate anons:

To anyone I mentioned the anons to, they agreed with me, you cannot trademark circular icons. This anon also accused me saying “just the fact that you had an anxiety attack about it proves you copied them” Like no sweetie, it’s called three strangers walked into my house and I got anxious.

Despite me not seeing the issue, I messaged nic, assuming she wouldn't care about the icons (it wasn't like I was taking her exact work and copying and pasting them as my own) and that made her very upset. When she responded to me, she was incredibly heated and gave off the vibe she was waiting for me to message her about it.

She said things like "this has actually been bothering me for a while", "i expected you to be able to read between the lines and delete the headers", "i don't know who that anon was but clearly they recognize my style". For starters, she never told me that she was annoyed with me, she was being very kind to me publicly. And I have no idea how I was meant to “read between the lines” of what she said especially considering how kind she was to me the following days. I also never accused her of knowing this anon, she just insisted it wasn't her and she didn't know them right off the bat. She also insinuated that I copied my gifs from others as well, which ticked me off because I made my 100+ layer psd myself thank you very much. But I kept my cool, and I told her I had no idea she felt the way she did, and I told her I would delete the headers (which i did as the conversation was going on), and that I would stop posting my icons and bringing attention to them because no one ever paid it any mind before that point. And I asked her “please tell me straight up the next time you have an issue with me because I am generally pretty dumb with social cues”, I have my adhd to thank for that. And instead of replying, she just blocked me. And conveniently, the hate anons stopped dead right after we blocked each other and I haven't received any since.

Also, these are the kinds of icons I posted:

Looks pretty generic and idk, universal, right?

Then, as I've recently found out today, she was in an "anti-loverjimin" groupchat with at least 2 other bloggers.

Which explains why this all went and fell into place. I know who the two other bloggers are because of what happened two days later but I won't name them just yet, but these two people had been "friends" with me for several months. So, a day or two after nic blocked me, all of a sudden some good friends of mine were blocking me and not talking to me when I asked what was going on. I found out soon after it was because nicole and those two now ex “friends” of mine had taken old dms I sent them and were showing them to people. And I will go into detail about them but I won't name the people they are about for privacy reasons.

Before I move on, to clarify some lies nic has been spreading about me, I never once shit talked nicole to my friends. One of these ex friends also said I was trying to get people on my side. I would have reacted to this all very very differently if that were the case. I would be dragging everyone through the fucking dirt but I don't get off on drama or micromanaging what my mutuals do. My issues are with these people, if you're still friends with them that's your decision i could not care less. So, back to it, the only thing I said about nic was that she and I had a stupid small fight over icons and that she was spreading lies about me, based off of what nic said to jordan.

That exact message, or slight variations of it, was sent to anyone I interacted with because I didn't know if nic was going to stop at jordan or try and get to everyone I fucking knew lmao. Some of the people I messaged this to told ME nic had done this kind of thing before, that she has sent hate anons, launched hate campaigns, cancelled people, etc. Over stupid shit like icons lmao.

Here are some responses I received after I mentioned nicole:

And nic or one of her friends also took it upon themselves to send anons to that tea blog to blow shit up and named everyone and made it an even bigger mess when they saw no one was actively trying to fight me after the dms got out.

I also love that in this following ask, they named my two “friends” that were behind the whole dm drama and backstabbed me, as well as two other people I never badmouthed, that story was twisted. But we’ll get into those details shortly.

And she also told people I clout chased big blogs and only cared about notes. At one point, yes, I did care a lot about my statistics. However, never once did I think clout chasing was worth my fucking time or energy, Nic is the biggest clout chaser on this damn site and there are receipts of that, ask jordan lmao. And I couldn’t give two shits about my statistics anymore lmao, much less anxiety that way. Do I still crave validation sometimes? Sure. But it's not a driving force of my tumblr experience like it used to be.

But, moving on to the dms, the first one was sent when I first came back to tumblr full-time and didn't understand why people self reblogged things, I found the pretence of self reblogging annoying and greedy and I complained about it and it was a comment fuelled by two bloggers that i would see sr a lot on my dash. But I never thought THEY were annoying, as these people are saying I did, it was self reblogging I found annoying and as you can see I have come to understand why people sr and I do it myself too. I didn't even know these two bloggers at this time either. That dm was cropped to hide the fact that this "friend" agreed with me and hid the date as well so it seemed recent, and was sent to one of the bloggers I mentioned as an example, someone I had since become good friends with.

I didn’t befriend one of the people I mentioned there until mid to late June. That friendship is now over thanks to this drama and all the lies. The second friend of mine they went after was never spoken about in dms, they went and turned her against me through lies and manipulation so that friendship has ended too. And while those two were doing that, nic went off to try and turn jordan against me.

There was a particular user on here that I did say some nasty things about but we weren't friends, as many people have been made to believe. I was particularly mad at this person in those dms and was hurtful, I admit, and I have since apologized and owned up to all of it to these people. I did call them fake and/or two-faced.

And what in the gassing me up bullshit was their response though lmao. I also sent this following dm before I even talked about the issue with this person. They urged me to continue and to name drop the person, and I stupidly thought they were trustworthy.

My reasoning for what I said wasn't unwarranted though, I don't make a habit of going around shit-talking people, unless they do something to me first. I vent when I am upset and this person had sent me a passive aggressive ask and then denied sending it when I asked and I thought that was just very fake, especially since she was so kind to me in dms before the ask came in. But all of these dms were cropped too to hide timestamps and responses, and in most cases, like those screenshots prove, these "friends" either gassed me up or egged me on to continue ranting or to name the people i was mad at and they had agreed with me on several, several occasions. Turns out they were trying to get dirt on me to use in their cancel campaign. But the point is, nic has made me out to be this horrible person that befriends "big blogs" (an overrated statement) and then shit talks them behind their back without remorse. Yet it was one person I said rude things about and I, again, owned up to it all and apologized to them the first day. I would've done it sooner had I a) remembered feeling the way I did all those months ago or remembered the dms themselves or b) felt that way still after meeting them. But neither is the case.

I find it really amusing though that these people wanted things to be kept quiet and didn’t want anyone they spoke to to talk to me about it because I was going to “out them on my blog” and “make a big scene”, then they three went and made it a big fucking scene and ruined my friendships. I’m familiar with this pattern of manipulation as it has happened to me in real life before and it’s the most childish bullshit to witness.

Before this callout day for nic, I had never once been directly rude to or about her, same goes for those ex “friends” that betrayed my trust and friendship. The fact that they plotted against me in a group chat while still actively talking to me and being all buddy buddy is just disgusting. Both of them were talking to me that day at the same time they were sharing the dms and shit-talking me to my friends. But yeah, that's my side, the untwisted side, of the whole story. I tried to be mature and talk to nic and when I didn't do what she wanted me to do, she blocked me and launched the hate campaign with dms and the power of photoshop. I’ve been hesitant to make any of this public because it was meant to be a silent ordeal but I’ve grown tired of her constantly publicizing everything without consequence while I remain silent like I promised.

#anon #replied💌#tw:negativity #drama #long post #read at your own risk aha #its a shit show #idc if you rb it #pinning temporarily for the next day(sih)#ish*#edited with screenshots and whatnot that i forgot i had on my phone lmao

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shreddedleopard · 3 years

Text

Thoughts on chapter 137, and why it makes complete sense and cements the themes and lessons of Attack on Titan.

I have so many thoughts, I just want to word vomit them out at a million miles an hour, but I’ll try to do this in some sort of order and not my usual chaotic mess.

Attack on Titan is about family and belonging, and THIS is the dream that Ymir was drunk on. This is ‘that scenery.’

Ymir, the founder, just wants to belong somewhere. With someone. She wants to be loved and valued as a person, not as a slave; not as someone who merely fulfils a role. In the latest chapter, Zeke explains how he failed to understand her, but Eren did.

Look at Eren’s words to Ymir in this moment, several chapters earlier:

All Ymir has ever wanted is to be held. To be loved like a person. To feel that connection because of who she is, not the role she fulfils.

Eren understands this, in contrast to Zeke, who once again tries to impose her role upon her:

Ymir has been hanging around in paths all this time, unable to fully die and let her consciousness pass on to the next world, because she needs to find this thing that she’s been searching for since the start of the story.

It’s not just about romantic love. It’s about connection. That sense of being understood and belonging with someone else, whether that be romantically, platonically, as family ... we keep seeing the same theme brought up throughout the entire manga.

Who else is a character that constantly searches for the same thing? Mikasa.

She has so many parallels and yet also opposites with Ymir. Ymir is told she is a slave, she obeys the king, that is her role. And she accepts it. Because she believes that it’s the only way to find happiness; to find this belonging she’s been craving. However, unlike Ymir, who does not truly love the king, I believe that Mikasa does truly love Eren - what form that takes doesn’t necessarily matter to me at this point. It’s just about connection.

Whether Eren feels the same, tragically for him, doesn’t matter. Because Eren knows he is destined to be the one to end the cycle of hatred and free Ymir. And that will ultimately cost him his life. That is why, when Zeke asks him what he will do about Mikas’s affections - which have nothing to do with her bloodline and everything to do with him - Eren cannot answer. That choice has sadly been taken from him.

When Eren asks Mikasa what she is to him, I think he genuinely wants to know at that point. I think he cares about her so deeply and wants to know she feels the same way, and it’s not just about him being ‘her saviour’. But as we’ve seen before, Eren cannot afford to stop for too long and dwell in the moment, because he must push on towards freedom - the freedom of Ymir and the Eldian people from the curse of the Titans.

This brings his conversation around the table with Armin, Mikasa and Gabi into a whole new light. Eren insults his friends in an attempt to push them away from him - because he knows he won’t be around to live that ‘long, happy life’ with them. So instead, he wants to push them to confront their feelings in the arms of others. He pushes Armin to really consider what Annie means to him, and for Mikasa, I believe that Eren intends her to perhaps look towards Jean, who is truly willing to give her the love she has always sought from Eren. Because again, so tragically, Eren will not be around to provide that for her - regardless of whether it’s something he wants or not. His own wishes no longer matter on the path he has been set upon.

Back to Ymir. Eren tells her, he will put an end to this world:

He doesn’t mean the human world; the living world. He means the world of paths, where Ymir is trapped, unable to let go of the souls of dead Eldians, because she’s still searching for that connection she craves so much. Her paths world is an attempt to quell that feeling of loneliness she’s been plagued with, but ironically, she’s more lonely than ever, stuck there, serving the bloodline she’s created from a place of misery and duty, rather than love.

The rumbling and the destruction of Marley is a very tragic consequence of what Eren has to do to put an end to the curse of the Titans. He’s searched for another way to no avail; we’ve seen his remorse when he apologises to Halil or Ramsey in chapter 131:

I think the anger and devastation that’s unleashed in the rumbling, is a result of the hurt and mistreatment both Eren and Ymir have felt at points in their lives.

Eren understands that to destroy the paths realm, first this devastation is necessary, because he’s seen it in his future memories, despite the conflicting feelings it’s evoked from him - he doesn’t really want to destroy humanity outside of the walls, but his own future is telling him that he must and he will. But it’s not Eren’s emotions that drive this initial destruction - it is Ymir’s. These emotions are no different in nature than the ones that Eren felt in response to Armin’s childhood bullies - that sense of unfairness and need to lash out at oppressors - but tragically, unlike Eren who in that moment of intense, irrational emotion had only his fists to vent and release, Ymir is in possession of one of the most terrible and destructive weapons there is - hordes of colossal Titans. And in that moment where Eren finally gives her that validation she has been searching for, and allows her that feeling of release from the duty she’s felt she needed to fulfil for thousands of years, Ymir releases that frustration and anger too and sends them walking.

This theme of the oppressor and oppressed switching places in an endless cycle of revenge and stealing from others what has been stolen from you is a theme that we see repeated throughout not only the AOT manga, but also soundtrack and additional content too.

Eren was right that it would be Armin that saves humanity - because Armin is the one that makes the connection in paths - he understands what is being shown to him with the leaf - and tragically, it actually highlights how, even up until the very end, Eren and Armin knew each other very well. Eren trusted Armin to make sense of what he’s had to do - even if it’s only Ymir that he understands, because while Eren is the one to give Ymir her freedom and unleash this terrible devastation, Armin is the one who must stop it.

But how does this idea of family and connection tie in to the rest of the events in the chapter, and wider manga, and what’s up with Historia’s pregnancy? And how is paths going to be destroyed, if the rumbling has been stopped and Ymir is free, but the Titans are still around?

This is where the rest of our cast fit in - namely Zeke, Levi, Historia and Reiner. If my theory is correct.

Eren gave Ymir the validation she needed and that sense of connection, freeing her from her role, and this bought that final bit of time needed for Historia to give birth to her child. Why is Historia’s child important? Because it is the ‘new dawn’ we’ve seen foreshadowed repeatedly throughout the series. The birth of a new history. And this comes in the form of a new bloodline, no longer infected with ‘parasite’ of the founding Titan.

Unlike Ymir’s bloodline, which stemmed from a place of duty and slavery - as she was ordered by the king to take ‘his seed’, and carried the parasite of the creature that bound to her within the depths of the tree, creating the paths realm and an almost purgatory type space free of death or heaven or earth or anything, Historia’s bloodline will be ‘cleaned’ because of the genes of the child’s father. And not only this, it will be born out of a moment of love and connection, rather than duty. This new combination will make it impossible for a child of the royal bloodline to become a Titan. There will be no coordinate - no link for Ymir from her paths realm to the living world, because the last link to her bloodline - a Titan with royal blood - will no longer exist.

This really brings home the gravity of the moment where Levi cuts Zeke down - he’s the last of the royal Titans, but the reader knows Historia’s baby is about to be born - will they inherit the Titan, and the cycle will re-start?

They will not. The cycle will be broken with them, because - and here’s where it gets wild - Historia’s child is not a Fritz, or a Reiss - they are an Ackerman. They physically cannot turn.

Why does all this fit in symbolically? Let me draw your attention to the genre of Seikaikei.

Attack on Titan uses this idea with our two Ackermans.

We have both endings. Eren and Mikasa, our bittersweet ending, where Eren ultimately chooses the fate of humanity over his relationships with Mikasa and Armin, and Levi, who, in a moment of selfishness, allows himself to put aside his role for a night - probably at the railroad banquet, where he was supposed to be making sure the likes of Eren and Yelena were kept apart - and indulges in this connection that he’s formed with Historia. You can read my 10 reasons post if you want to for why the heck I would think these two would form a deep bond - it’s all there in the Uprising Arc. They have been the same as Ymir - yearning for a sense of love and connection, but bound by roles neither of them asked for or particularly wanted - reluctant heroes comes to mind. Remember how freckled Ymir’s parting wish was for Historia to live for herself?

The result is an accidental pregnancy which, ironically enough, is what is going to annihilate the curse of the Titans and save the world. How poetic that the Titans will not be ‘driven out’ by hate, violence, and destruction, but instead by love, connection and new life.

Remember Kenny and Uri’s miracle?

Kenny and Uri’s chapter, ‘Friends’, was exactly halfway back into the manga. History moves in repeating cycles in AOT, and we see things change slightly each time, on this journey to freedom. At this point, the Ackermans and royals were one step away from where they needed to get to in order to build this paradise - and Levi and Historia complete the cycle by becoming ‘lovers,’ tragically, the thing that Eren and Mikasa could not become, because Eren had to undertake the rumbling and be the one to free Ymir from her sorrow and loneliness. She can make the choice now - will she fight to be reborn as Historia’s child - fight for dominance with the Ackerman bloodline - or will she concede, finally laid to rest because the cycle has been broken by two people that love one another, just like the couple Ymir saw long ago and wished for.

Remember how Eren asked Zeke whether the ackermans act the way they do from a place of duty or genuine feelings? He needed to check it was the real deal that would break the curse, and finally lay Ymir to rest peacefully, after 2,000 years of hatred and searching. She will see that her descendant, Historia, finally has what she always dreamed of. That idea of dreams pushing us onwards - Ymir’s dream is realised through Historia and Levi.

As for the parasite itself? I believe Reiner will be the one to lock it in a Crystal prison with himself, deep underground.

A new dawn will come, and a new world will be built from the ashes of the old.

#snk #shingeki no kyojin #attack on titan #eren jaeger #levi ackerman #armin alert #ymir the founder #historia reiss #mikasa ackerman

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phis-corner · 3 years

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I recently read your platonic brucinette post, it was amazing, i couldn't stop laughing. What if she invites herself over to the Manor or something and the boys have no idea who she is (cause I feel like he wouldn't mention her cause she would probably ruin his reputation even more since his kids would probably spread the stories to their own friends) but I feel like maybe Tim already know her since he was in Paris looking for Bruce (when he got "killed" by Darkseid), he would probably see her as a mom or fun aunt that he could vent to

Ask and you shall recieve! again, any grammar mistakes are because I did not bother proofreading. whoops.

Masterlist ◈ Original

Dick Grayson had seen a lot of unexpected things throughout his lifetime, but he really did not expect to come downstairs for a nice bowl of cereal for breakfast and find a woman who looked eerily like the late Martha Wayne sitting at the table and eating his Bat Puffs.

Wait.

“Those are my Bat Puffs!” Dick shrieks, because he has priorities. That’s the last of his cereal, okay? And it’s going to be two days before Alfred goes on his next grocery run and he’s really bad at shopping for food on his own. Sue him.

Not-Or-Maybe-Possibly-If-You-Believe-Conspiracy-Theories-Martha-Wayne simply laughs, and easily dances out of the way of his grab for the bowl, moving out of his reach with an elegance and grace that can only mean she spends part of her day dressed in a different costume. Whether or not she was a good guy still remained to be seen, considering she had somehow broken into the Manor without setting a single alarm off and was currently eating the last of his Bat Puffs.

A truly despicable act, indeed.

“Grayson?” Damian chooses that exact moment to come down the stairs. “I heard you scream. What’s-” He snarls the moment he catches sight of Not-Martha-Wayne, pulling out a knife from somewhere in the folds of his pajamas and hurling it at her head with impressive speed and accuracy.

Not-Martha-Wayne simply ducks, letting the knife thud into the wall behind her, making Dick wince. Alfred was not going to be happy.

“Identify yourself, woman!” Damian screeches, pulling out another knife. “Who are you, and how did you get in here?”

Not-Martha-Wayne tilts her head, blue eyes sparkling with mirth. “Really? I’m not even allowed to eat cereal in my own home now?”

Dick is slowly growing more and more convinced that Not-Martha-Wayne is actually Zombie-Martha-Wayne.

Damian freezes, eyeing her suspiciously. “Your home?”

“Wh’s goin’ on?” Tim slurs, stumbling down the stairs. “Why ‘re you all screamin’?”

Maybe-Zombie-Martha-Wayne brightens when she sees Tim. “Timber! How’s it going?”

Tim rubs his eyes, once, twice, and then his face splits into a grin when he finally registers Maybe-Zombie-Martha-Wayne’s presence. “Marinette! It’s so good to see you!”

And okay, what.

Tim hurries down the stairs (meaning only marginally faster than before, he hasn’t had his morning coffee yet,) and ignores the coffee machine in favor of hugging Possibly-Undead-Martha-Wayne, who laughs and puts down the bowl of Bat Puffs in favor of hugging him back. Dick takes the opportunity to snatch the bowl away from her, mourning the fact that there’s only a bit of milk left at the bottom of the bowl.

“Good to see you too, Tim,” Not-Martha-Wayne, whose name is apparently Marinette (why does that sound familiar?) ruffles Tim’s hair. “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

“Tim,” Dick says, at the same time Damian demands “Drake.”

“How do you know this woman?” They say at the same time (Dick stubbornly ignores that Damian replaced ‘woman’ with ‘harlot’).

“You mean you don’t?” Tim asks, frowning. “She’s-”

“Marinette,” Bruce cuts Tim off, having appeared at the foot of the stairs in his usual dramatic fashion.

Not-Martha-Wayne-But-Still-Really-Looks-Like-Her-Whose-Name-Is-Apparently-Marinette beams and waves cheerfully at Bruce, who looks done with life. “Hey, little brother! I see you haven’t gotten tired of dressing up as a giant bat to beat people up yet!”

Well, that was a lot to unpack. Dick decided he’d start with the easiest thing.

“Little brother?” He looks from Marinette to Bruce, Bruce to Marinette, noting the resemblance in both of them to Thomas and Martha Wayne. “You mean- she’s your older sister?” Dick shrieks, turning to Bruce. “Why have we never heard about her?”

“Really, Bruce?” Marinette gasps, mockingly placing a hand over her heart. “I’m devastated. How could you, after everything we’ve been through, not even tell your hundred thousand children that I even exist?”

Bruce doesn’t reply, instead letting out one long sigh through his nose. Huh. Sixteen whole seconds. Impressive.

“Just kidding,” Marinette grins once Bruce has finally stopped sighing. “He’s never told you because I travel the world a lot, my job is super dangerous, and because I’d expose all his deepest, darkest secrets.”

“Like his greatest fears?” Damian asks. Cass, who had silently entered the kitchen at some point or another, stood behind him, ready just in case he pulled out another knife.

Marinette tilts her head. “What? No!” Like how he wiped off one of the eyebrows on Sylvia McCartney’s face when he was four-”

She doesn’t get to finish that sentence because Bruce has made a mad dash across the kitchen, evidently aiming to get her to stay quiet. Marinette dances out of his hold with a giggle and continues speaking even as Bruce chases her all around the kitchen.

“-anyway, he declared that ‘she had something on her face’, wiped off one of her drawn-on eyebrows-” She ducks underneath a plate, which Cass deftly catches before it hits the wall. “-and then went ‘There. I got it for you!’”

A shoe flies at her head. Marinette bats it away with one hand.

Dick tries valiantly to stifle his snickers, but judging by the evil eye Bruce is giving him, it’s not quite working.

“And there was that time we were at that four-star restaurant in Star City and he ate too much and-” Marinette raises an eyebrow as she catches a toaster in her hands. “Really now, Bruce? A toaster? You know it’ll take more than that to stop me. So he ate too much and got a stomach ache, then started holding his torso and very loudly declaring that he was starting his period.”

Dick doesn’t even bother holding in the laughter this time, and neither do any of his siblings. If only Jason was here to see this, but alas, he was at his own apartment and had no clue that this was going on. Neither did Steph, for that matter, and Duke was already out on patrol since he was somehow a morning person. What a travesty.

“And then there was that time when-” Marinette is cut off by another one of Bruce’s long, very drawn-out sighs.

“Look, Mari, I think they get the point,” He groans (well - as close to groaning as the Batman ever got), pinching the bridge of his nose. “You can stop now.”

“Oh, you’re just annoyed that you couldn’t stop me,” Marinette retorts with yet another smile, and Dick is once again struck by how similar she looks to the lady in the portrait that hangs over the fireplace in the largest of the Manor’s three living rooms. “I suppose you’re right, however. Despite the abundance of embarrassing stories, they do run out at some point, and I’d prefer not to use them all up in one go, ya know? I have to be the cool aunt. Kate can keep wine aunt, but I’m the cool one now.”

“I think Miss Katherine might disagree with that,” Alfred says mildly. “However, I do believe you can win the children over if you tell them about the time your father brought Master Bruce to his board meeting.”

The look of utter betrayal Bruce gives Alfred makes them crack up all over again.

--o0o--

“Man, I am so glad you got it all on camera,” Duke grins, placing two bowls of popcorn on the coffee table before flopping back down onto the couch. “This is going to be great.”

Tim waves a hand dismissively. “I just hacked the cameras in the Manor. Bruce’s paranoia backfired this time.”

Steph cheers and immediately makes a grab for the popcorn as Cass hits the play button on the remote, and Dick can’t help but crack a smile at his own face when he sees the last of his cereal being eaten.

“Richard, I find it concerning that your first thought was of your cereal and not the intruder,” Damian observes.

Dick ruffles his hair, drawing out a squawk of protest. “Well, what can I say? I really like Bat Puffs.”

The Wayne siblings settle down for a movie night that is definitely going to be filled with lots of laughter.

permanent tags

@wannajointhecrabcult @miraculous-simmer7 @certainmuffinbagelcalzone @fantasyislive @chocolateherringtacofan @junarvion @susiej1118 @aestheticnpoetic @toodaloo-kangaroo @ladybug-182 @itsmeevie01 @g-arya @souleateralicestein @nightstarblue @i-is-mysterious @moonystars14 @vixen-uchiha @flapdoodle-noodle @labschaos @nathleigh @jalaluvsu @kaithehero @iamablinkmarvelarmy @luveverything12 @technicallyburninggarden

unspecified

@momothefemur @indecisive-mess-named-me @laurcad123 @ilovefluffbutsmutisalsogreat @sassakitty @fusser90

#maribat #my writing #asks #platonic brucinette

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dyketubbo · 3 years

Text

mkay. ive woken up, it doesnt seem like theres any new developments, so. post explaining what the hells been going on about the ae/emeraldduo qpr discourse ig woo. this is going to be from my perspective, because i am one person. shocker. anyways,

basic summary: i made a post saying that because c!kristin is canon and philza and techno have boundaries against shipping, i believed that maybe there should be a genuine effort to chill out with putting c!philza and c!technoblade in a qpr or platonic marriage, as c!philza being married to c!kristin is based off the irl marriage and c!philza and c!technos friend dynamic is based off the ccs dynamic even outside of the dream smp (such as, of course, the antarctic empire being a smpearth thing). i also said this because i feel like theres a genuine problem in the fandom with how it treats kristin, not only in fanart (making her skinny and white), but also just. in general, overshadowing her with the idea of emeraldduo being married, shit like that, and it irked me esp bc shes a woc while philza and techno are white men.

people get pissed at me, both to my face and behind my back, and i get insulted, called stupid, arophobic, anti-polyam, told i dont understand friendship and that i dont have friends. i joined a server just to wake up and find myself banned and blocked with no explanation, left to assume that i was talked about behind my back while i was unable to defend myself. out of all the people who disagreed with me, one person. one. person. was nice to me and didnt call me arophobic, actually giving me constructive criticism and a chance to elaborate. one. i finally start to feel better two days after the fact, consulting people outside the fandom to get second opinions and getting happy when people agreed with me and even gave insight to things i didnt consider, and what do i get?

someone rbed to tell me "not to go on twitter" because people were talking about me, and informing me that there was a group chat dedicated to "talking about how wrong [i am]". what the rest of the post said, i dont remember, because the person seems to have me blocked and i fucking panicked after being told theres literally an entire group of people talking about me on twitter- of which, yknow. is known for harassing people and even once had a black girl doxxed?? not to mention that the person who mocked me for supposedly not having friends did so when i said to leave me alone, and ive said publicly for people to leave me alone consistently, and. well, insulting and going after someone, or even talking about them behind their back, when they said to leave them alone is in fact harassment, by definition.

im accused of not listening to philza, with the only clip being given to me of him talking about c!emeraldduo being like "the platonic version of achilles and patroclus", as if platonic = queerplatonic. yesterday was the first time i was given a clip of phil talking about qprs specifically, given to me by someone who didnt evem disagree with me anyways, again showing the people disagreeing with me were barely actually willing to cooperate with me. i have. complicated feelings on the clip (mainly with how its worded as just headcanons and only given the definition of "platonic life partners" which.. hm.), but this post isnt about that.

regardless, i vent to my friends, because i was having a delusional breakdown, and one makes a post saying they didnt want to interact with the fandom after people went after me. they inform me that both people who insulted me before and others reblogged from their post to again assert that im arophobic, claim that no one was talking about me outside of people publicly talking about how "arophobic" i am (which.. is people talking about me), claim that i called people racist and sexist (i didnt?? i dont think anyones racist and sexist, not even for what i brought up concerning the fandoms treatment of kristin, it gives me a bad taste in my mouth, but i would never call anyone racist or sexist for it [outside of the whitewashing but thats a different issue from the qpr discussion]), and then they were sent anon hate, one even asserting that they were arophobic and talking over minority groups and therefore deserved to be in their bad home situation. outside of their post being in the dream smp tag, its hard to believe that people just. normally found their post. unless they were going through the recent posts in the dream smp tag (which i dont feel is the case), it is.. concerning that they found my friend trying to defend me so quickly and immediately decided to continue to talk about me behind my back and even insult them as well.

so.. yknow, not great in asserting that there arent people tracking me somehow, which is incredibly triggering and paranoia inducing.

either way, in the end, if people disagree with me about the situation, i dont care, i cant stop them, but i just want people to stop being fucking pricks about it. i want people to stop being pissy at me and about me, i want people to stop insulting me and telling me and telling people i interact with that im arophobic when im not. i want people to stop pretending to care when they tell me to take a break when theyre the fucking reasons i have to take a break. i want people to stop being condescending to me, to stop talking about me, to stop acting like theyre superior while fucking insulting me.

i just wanted to bring up an issue about the lack of respect kristin gets, and people as always turned it into something about philza and technoblades relationship when that was literally the behavior that i was complaining about. i hate that me wanting to talk about how kristin and her marriage to phil is treated turned into me having several breakdowns in one day because i kept getting worse and worse news about how people were treating me. i hate that i did take breaks, that i actively distracted myself, went outside, took care of my pets, took care of myself, talked to my friends, and yet people just acted condescending and went all "if you cant handle criticism then leave :/".

what the fuck is wrong with you people? why is it that this fandom actively defaults to harassment and using ccs against fans when an issue arises? and i fucking hate that this is my first goddamn actual interaction with aeduo fans. im genuinely terrified of aeduo fans now if this is how they react to problems. fuck everyone who talked about me behind my back, fuck everyone who acted condescending towards me, fuck everyone who called me arophobic or anti-polyam or whatever the hell they had up their sleeves, fuck every single grown ass adult who saw a teenager have a fucking breakdown over the shit they did and said and decided to continue. fuck everyone who didnt even bother to have a goddamn level conversation with me before insulting me and attempting to tell others that im arophobic and other shit like that.

this shit happened because of two paragraphs. i said two goddamn paragraphs about a personal issue with the fandom i had and now ive genuinely been pushed almost to the point of relapsing. i dont give a shit if people think i have a victim complex, i just want people to leave. me. alone. its the fucking least you could do. oh, and go fuck yourself. if you genuinely thought id be apologizing after that shit, fuck you. i shouldnt have to be the better person with this shit, i shouldnt be pushed to choking on my own fucking tears because people wont let it fucking be. im not goddamn apologizing after three days of getting insulted and harassed and talked about behind my back for a fucking shipping issue. piss off.

#long post #dsmp #negative #fandom critical #discourse #i dont care if i look immature for this. i deserve the fucking option to be immature after this shit #im tired of crying over this.#mask mews #harassment tw #ask to tag

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unimooshi · 3 years

Text

Christmas Fluff Snippet Megapost

(brought to you by your host Mooshi bc I’m stuck at home and wanna procrastinate cleaning my room :) )

Rated: G/Fluff

Relationship(s): Literally as many I can think within the span of 3 hours as they’re all basically 1 paragraph long. Feel free to read whichever ones you want I’m making word soup rn. We smackin’ tonight kings, queen, and royals in between😌😭✨

All relationships can be whatever universe you want, unless stated otherwise. Have a good time

Also please keep in mind that I haven’t read a lot of the comics and have a limited knowledge on the cartoons bc I haven’t watched some of them, but I’ll try my best to write out the dynamic as I see it.

1) Starscream/Optimus (StarPrime) you knew we were gonna start with OTP

“I know you wanted to visit Earth for a small vacation, but did you really have to choose the coldest of Earth months to visit?”, Starscream said with borderline disgust as he stared at the snow at the bottom of their ship, the only redeeming thing about the environment was the setting sun.

He kneeled down and scooped up a pile of snow, watching it crumble away between his digits. His internal heating system kicking into overdrive to compensate, little puffs of steam floating into the air. It wasn’t that it was cold, the issue was how wet it would be. The mess that would be made inside their circuits and the water dripping from exposed wiring made Starscream shiver.

“No, I didn’t have to but Earth has such a happy culture this time of year and I wanted to share that with you. I think you’ll like Christmas. Cheer up, let’s take a walk.” , Optimus planted a small peck on the side of Starscream’s helm and stepped outside, the soft crunch of snow following the Prime.

Starscream reluctantly stepped into the snow and groaned with how much water his sensors were already detecting, “How happy could this holiday possibly be with frozen condensation falling from the sky and getting into your circuits?”

“Well, according to what can be found on the internet, it’s an annual religious festival, but most humans use it as a time to see loved ones and celebrate their love for one another.”, Optimus took Starscream’s servo and interlaced it with his own, removing his battle mask to reveal a soft smile with blue optics to match, “and besides you can take a warm lather in the washracks later while I warm up some energon. I know you like watching Earth movies every once in a while.”

Starscream really couldn’t argue with his conjux and just vented out more heat, the puff leaving a trail of white steam as it floated into the evening sky. If being on a mud ball planet meant Optimus would be relaxed then he supposed it would be worth getting his circuits drenched for. Honestly, doing anything was worth it if it meant his Prime would stop thinking about his responsibilities even for just a cycle.

“Your strobes are blinking by the way.”

Starscream stopped walking and flapped his wings into view then dipped them low, brushing it off.

“It doesn’t mean anything.”

“I’m sure it doesn’t.”, Optimus rolled his optics and laughed, holding his conjux’s servo a little tighter.

———

2) Knockout/Breakdown (KOBD)

“Merry Christmas Knockout!”, Breakdown burst into the Medbay with a clumsily wrapped box.

Knockout nearly dropped his datapad and jumped from the sudden intrusion, his servo switched out for his buzz saw until he saw who it was.

“Breakdown!”, Knockout vented out and transformed his servo back, “Don’t scare me like that so suddenly.”

“I’m sorry, but I just wanted to finally give you this. I knew you just had to have it when I saw it and I really hope you like it.”

“All is forgiven. Thank you.”, Knockout casually tore away at the wrapping and lifted the lid, his optics glowing brighter.

“Well...do you like it?”

“Like it? I love it!”, Knockout unfolded the white stripe vinyl inside to it’s full length, laughing with a full smile, “You always know just what to get me!”

He put his gift down on the examination table and went to go hug his conjux, climbing up a little to properly plant a kiss.

As high as the mood was brought up, it was quickly shot down again.

“Wait, I’m not done with your gift yet.”, Knockout left for his datapad and scrolled through something.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to give me one. Your company is the only gift I need.”, Breakdown tried to comfort his conjux, but Knockout held out a servo to stop him.

“That’s a sweet sentiment, but it doesn’t feel fair if I had my gift before yours is even done and I don’t want you seeing it while it’s incomplete.”

“I’m sure I’ll like it even if it’s unfinished. The thought matters more than what it is. Can you tell me what it is?”

“Are you sure?”

Breakdown nodded excitedly.

Knockout sighed and handed over the datapad, “It’s only about 75% of the way done, but it’s a transcription of that Earth book you wanted to read but couldn’t find an online PDF version of it.”

Breakdown scrolled through the pages of words and felt his frame melt.

“I know it’s not as good as what you gave me but—”

“I love it!”, He lifted Knockout off the ground and squeezed, “Thank you!”

“You’re welcome but watch the paint!”

———

3) Bumblebee/Blitzwing (TFA Blitzbee)

Bumblebee wasn’t one for snow to be perfectly honest. Sure, making snowmen and having snowball fights with Sari were fun, but he mostly did those activities to make her happy as her best friend. The frosty windows on the base served as another reminder as to why he liked to stay inside where it was warm and there was plenty of oil to drink, so it was rather ironic when he started seeing a mech who could make ice and enjoyed just burying himself in the frozen stuff.

“Come outside my little bee~”

Random sang softly and taunted him from outside the Autobot base. The heat from Blitzwing’s system fogging up the window further. Everyone else in the base had retreated back to their rooms for the night, leaving Bee free to do what he wanted in the living room. At least, he would be if there wasn’t a giant beige and purple bot trying to get him outside.

“No way Blitzbrain. It’s beyond freezing out there. I’m not locking up my servos just so you can eat street snow again.”

Bumble whispered harshly and opened the window, a gush of frozen air creeped their way through the cracks of his frame. His central heating system kicked online.

Random’s glossa slithered out of his intake, “Aww why not?”

“Because it’s gross. And that’s saying something when it comes from me!”

Vrrrr.

“I suppose that’s true.”, Icy’s lips pouted outward as he pressed his digits to his chin. His sharp features standing out in the crisp darkness of the night, “But aren’t you the one always wanting to go out? Why is it so different this time?”

“Because time impossible to drive in snow and I don’t wanna deal with traffic.”

“It’s the middle of the night.”

“So?”

Vrrrr.

“So why don’t you want to come out here and spend some time away from this stupid base you tiny bug bot!”

Bee held a digit to his intake, “I’m right here idiot, you’ll wake everyone up and then they’ll see you and then we’ll have to fight.”

Vrrrr.

“You’re afraid of the snow aren’t you.”

“What? No. That’s not—I’m not afraid of it are you kidding me? Only sparklings are afraid of stupid things like that.”

“Ok, so you just don’t like the cold.”

“So what if I don’t?”

“Even if you can’t drive, it’s still a nice night for flying.”

Bumblebee’s optics widened, “Flying?”

“Yes. Calm winds, clear skies, no organics or bots in the streets, what more could you wait for?”

“You’re gonna take me flying?”, Bee’s voice rose in pitch and he looked up at his mechfriend with stars in his eyes.

Vrrrr.

“If you keep repeating the same thing I’ll crush you with this wall!”

Vrrrr.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen something go splat!”

Random laughed at his own morbid thought.

“Ok, first of all, don’t crush me. You’re like three times my size, you don’t need a wall. Second, as long as I don’t have to get my servos wet I’ll be there in a nanoklik.”

Bumblebee gave a quick peck before racing away to touch himself up a little for his small impromptu date.

———

4) Megatron/Soundwave (MegaWave)

Megatron was busy. Again.

Soundwave didn’t mind it much as he just worked on his reports, but deep in his spark he really hoped he would’ve made some time to be with him. There was no such luck unfortunately. Soundwave knew his leader was always busy which is what made their small times together all the more special and intimate. Nobody ever saw the side of the warlord that he did and he was quite proud of that. It made him feel special.

>Soundwave.

A private communication line blipped open from Megatron. What convenient timing.

>Yes, Lord Megatron?

>I need you to send a message to Shockwave about the latest export of energon. There will be a delay because of Autobot meddling, but it shouldn’t take more than a couple earth cycles to have everything in order.

>Message received. Will be sent as soon as possible.

>Good. By the way Soundwave, I’ve left something for you in your desk compartment. Consider it a token of my appreciation for all you’ve done staying loyal to the Decepticons.

>Understood. Thank you Lord Megatron.

With that, the line cut off and Soundwave was left alone again in the communication center. His optics glanced over at the large compartment in his desk and opened it. Inside he found a small stack of datapads and one single use datapad filled out.

—

‘To: Soundwave

Silent as a thief in the night

You crept into my spark and took flight

Your visor so full of mystery

Yet take away much of my misery

In war there is treachery

In war there is loyalty

No words could ever be strung to say how much you mean to me

Merry Christmas,

From Megatron

—

A/N: I’m done with this post. Whoop. 4 short stories in one post. This is all I could crank out in a few hours. I didn’t anticipate this day to be so busy for me😭😭. I’ve been hanging out with family and dropping off gifts for friends at their door step. You can kinda tel I gave up at the end and poems aren’t really my thing. I’ll finish the rest tomorrow, so just pretend that whatever I post tomorrow was done today. Tell me what you think and have a nice night. I’m gonna pass out now. Mwah.

AND YES WHEN I WRITE MEGS IN ANY FIC HE IS A MUSHY BASTARD WHEN HES NOT AN ASS HAT AND THATS ON SOFT BASTARDS😌✨✨

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katie-writes24 · 3 years

Text

Fell Into The Same Arms

Pairing: Thomas Jefferson x reader

Warnings: Language, implied material, angst, a sliver of fluff, and injured reader.

Part 2

You know what, this is on me, because I was on Pinterest YET AGAIN and came across prompts that made me want to vent!!! So here is this!! Also, I’m really struggling with this one WIP and I jsut wanted to post soemthing, so I don’t even really know if this is “finished” yet. Let me know if you want to be tagged, and give me some feedback. I apologize in advance if I hurt your heart! But...it’ll be worth it I swear!

Rain was in the forecast the entire weekend, and it didn't seem to stop anytime soon on Monday. It took a toll on traffic, that was for sure; the roads were starting to flood and the bus routes were changed unexpectedly. The streets were in no shape for anyone to be out.

But Y/N didn't pay no matter to that. Instead, she kept walking, despite the throbbing in her thigh and the blisters on the back of her heels. She ignored the piercing feeling in her back when she tensed. That pain in the back of her head: didn't bother her. Not now, not when she's in the wet streets alone at night, having someplace to be.

Another lie. It was someplace she needed to be, and maybe she wasn't welcomed, but she had no other option. Every other door that used to be open was now closed after comments like you're better than this and don't come crying to me when I'll only say I told you so were thrown at her.

Y/N should be getting her keys out to unlock her apartment door, heading to the shower and ignoring the worried cries from Hercules. She could even be knocking on the screen door and letting Eliza draw her a bath while they sipped on hot tea. Hell, she was even considering jumping the gate and climbing up to John's window and letting him hold her as she cried herself to sleep.

What was she doing instead? Knocking on the hardwood door in front of her, not knowing what the outcome ahead would be.

Seconds felt like hours before the door was opened quickly, only going so far as the small chain up top would let it. She was met with brown orbs, in a flash they were wide in shock.

She couldn't blame him.

She could only imagine what she looked like, it obviously wasn't a pretty sight if the feeling in her bones had any say in it. But something told her that her appearance was not why he had the reaction.

At this point Y/N believed that he was, in fact, in shock because it's still pouring rain and she can feel her limbs start to grow numb from the cold. He's still staring at her with that look...

"I didn't know where else to go," Her voice sounded raspy even to her, and she guessed it was loud enough for him to hear, considering he shut the door before the sound of a latch being pulled again was heard, and he fully opened the door.

He looked good; dressed in his pajamas, but still good, considering the last time she saw him. He looked fresh out the shower, and she took that as a sign that he didn't have company over.

Thomas hated leaving people waiting. Something they didn't share in common, apparently.

He stepped aside and Y/N didn't waste a second before stepping into the warm house.

"Just- wait a second," Thomas walked down the hallway, soon returning with a towel that he laid across the floor. "Don't want to ruin my floors."

She snorted. Still the same stuck up she remembers. "Could you spare one for me, you think?"

"I was actually going to offer you a shower, and maybe help you patch things up. Looks like you need it," He gestured to her head, which had a small gash, or at least that's what it felt like.

"That'd be nice," She cleared her throat once more, removing her shoes. She stopped after stripping of her jacket, standing awkwardly and hoping to give the man a hint.

Instead, he scoffed and went down the hall again. "It's not like I haven't seen it all before. Just leave your clothes on the towel, I'll throw them in the dryer."

Y/N rolled her eyes, but did as he said. She quickly walked to the bathroom and stepped into the tub. It all looked the same, including the bottle of shampoo he bought her months ago, still in the same spot.

She cleared her throat, mentally shaking herself clear of those warming thoughts.

A few minutes after she turned on the water, she heard a knock on the door, his silhouette behind the curtain.

"I brought a towel, and some fresh clothes," There was some shuffling before he sighed loudly. "Did you eat? Can I get you something?"

"No, I'm fine, thanks," Y/N cut him short, trying to ignore his caring need that he normally hid from the public. She wasn't any different, not anymore.

"Well, knowing you, you probably had a large coffee this morning and called it a day. And I'm not quite sure what you got yourself into yet, but I'm sure it didn't happen over a meal." Thomas sounded so sure of himself, and damn him for knowing her so well. Her silence gave it away, and he soon clicked his tongue in assurance. "I'll make you something quick."

There was no resisting the water in her eyes. Pain expanded all over her body, she had an excuse. Plus, he couldn't see her get emotional behind the curtain, and there would be no tear tracks on her cheeks later.

It might seem odd to others, to those who see Thomas as a public figure, a politician. He carries power, and never lets anyone outside these doors see his vulnerability. To them, he is a man with high standards and a precise wardrobe.

But she knew the real Thomas.

He was sensitive, caring for others, acting like he was just now. The newspaper titles were full of shit, they didn't have any right to criticize him because that wasn't the real him.

Of course he was passionate about his job and position, but they didn't know what Thomas acted like in the morning. They didn't know what Thomas's favorite meal to have when he's had a long day was. About his constant need to have a book to read before he goes to sleep, no matter what time it is. About what he looked like when he was in complete bliss, when he was really happy....

No, Y/N knew though.

She reached for the shower handle, turning the knob on the cold setting. She finished up washing her hair as quick as she could, then carefully dabbed her body with a washcloth, avoiding direct open wounds.

Stepping out of the bathroom, wrapped in a rather large t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants, Y/N found Thomas at the table. He was standing over scattered papers, rubbing his chin softly as he thinks to himself.

While he's distracted, she takes in the house, knowing she really shouldn't, it will only hurt her or, worse, make former feelings reappear. But she can't help but look over to the wall beside him, where dozens of picture frames line up in a pattern. Some are of his parents, some of Thomas and James, there's even a group photo of his colleagues standing before Washington. She remembers how excited Thomas was that day, to finally be getting the recognition he deserves.

She also remembers that there used to be a frame below it, one that held two photos of Y/N and Thomas, holding hands, smiling. She remembers that the photographer wanted their hands close to the lens, getting a good capture of piece of jewelry that looked so simple, but held so much promise.

Was suppose to hold so much promise.

Should she really be sad that he took it down? Y/N didn't deserve to feel angry or disappointed that it wasn't hanging on the wall, to be a constant reminder to anyone that walked by of what used to be.

"Food should be ready soon. I just put it in the oven to warm up." She jumped as she was released from her thoughts, Thomas now looking over at her.

"Thanks," He soon walked over to her, only feet away when he lifted up his hand. She instantly flinched, swallowing hard as she realized what she did.

Thomas slowly put his hand down, looking at her with wide eyes. "I wasn't going to-"

"I know," Her voice was shaky, but she held a hard expression, looking at the floor.

Nodding, Thomas cleared his throat before heading to the bathroom, moments later coming out with a tube of ointment. "Let's get you cleaned up?"

Maybe it was fate, or maybe it was just Y/N's luck. Whatever it may be, she would never stop thanking whoever was watching over her that she got to feel Thomas's soft touch once again.

Yes, maybe she'd like it better if it was under different circumstances, but she was appreciative of the light touch he had against her head, one hand holding it still while the other gently dabbed the cream against her bruises.

The quiet was disturbed when he winced at the scrape right above her hip. There was no hiding it; it was already layered in dried blood, purple outlining the crevice of the soon-to-be scar. Thomas shook his head slightly, and she didn't know if it was from shock or disappointment.

Once he cleared the wound completely, Thomas pressed his thumb against her hip bone, rubbing her skin in soothing motions. Y/N smiled sadly.

"Can you stop, for one goddamn second, and just talk about this?"

"I can't, Thomas! You don't understand why, but I just can't-"

"Do you know why I stick around? Do you care about what I have to say? Don't you know that I love you? I would do anything for you, Y/N, why can't you trust me on that?"

"I do! I trust you with my life, Thomas! That's the problem!" The room grew silent, Thomas forming a sudden frown, eyes teary.

Her own were wet, as well. Vulnerability was not her thing, so Y/N quickly turned around, not bearing to see his reaction.

Lost in her own self deprecating thoughts, she felt a hand on her hip. His long fingers began stroking her bone, her skin lighting on fire every under the fabric of her underwear. Somehow, the simple touch completely broke her, letting out a shaky sob. Thomas wrapped his free arm around her chest, grounding her. Y/N allowed her own arms to grab at his as she shook.

“We’ll get through it,” Thomas whispered, his own voice a bit shaky. “Together.”

There used to be moments where Y/N would allow herself to completely fall into him, would just let go of all the pent up frustration and troubles she had. Because she knew Thomas would catch her, she knew that he would let her release all of her worries for him to fix, and if not fix, just to listen. He would offer comforting phrases that would make her feel like the only woman in the world. He would physically comfort her, whether it was a bath or his touch or his body, he would take away her stress.

And no matter how many times Y/N would experience such ache, Thomas never turned away. Not once. Not even after all this time separated. And she knew damn well that if she did the same thing now, he would let her.

That’s what scared her.

She couldn’t do that to Thomas, not again.

“It’s okay, sweetheart,” Apparently, him knowing exactly what she’s thinking didn’t change either. His soft voice rang loudly in her ears, traveling all throughout her body. Y/N had to bite the inside of her lip to keep from breaking down.

“You can let go...” It sounded like a promise.

Maybe she could count on him to catch her again, even if it’s just this one last time.

Let me know if you want to be tagged!!!

@notebookgirl30 @dontblinkumightmiss @tinywhim @checkurwindow @einfachniemand @daveeddiggsit @ohsoverykeri-blog @astralaffairs @i-know-i-can

#thomas jefferson x reader #thomas jefferson imagine #thomas jefferson x oc #hamilton imagine #hamilton fanfiction #hamilton fanfic #my writings #thomas jefferson #wow anyways #didn’t mean to make it so sad?

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strwberrytae · 3 years

Text

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.” - Lang Leav

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic.

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man. Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

#me #personal #goodbye for now #no longer writing #bts writer

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isitandwonder · 3 years

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I’ve seen so much shit go down these past few days and I really don’t need stuff like that at the end of this fucked year. I’ve been talking back and forth with mutuals over the last several days, I’ve seen the mess unfold on Twitter, people came to my inbox to ask what was happening.

Yet I didn’t want to give this unsubstantiated, rather silly and exaggerated accusations room on my blog. I hoped it would die down. I’m also only lurking on Twitter and IG and would never get involved with fandom there cause those sites stress me out.

This whole mess also made me enormously angry so I needed time to calm down.

Now I only like to say a few things and then I hope I can be done with this.

I think this whole shit show is a perfect example for the dark side of social media, how things get inflated, facts messed up and allegations thrown around. It shows that for a lot of people it’s all about performative behavior. I doubt these accusations would’ve been aired if it had been John Smith from next door who behaved badly. I’m also shocked by a culture that completely disregards facts and proof and judges entirely emotional. Where’s your brain, people?

Of course, you never know with celebs, but the balance of probability still applies to them as well. Someone against no other complains have ever surfaced, who loves his mum and sis, talks very respectful of female colleagues and even donated his salary to an anti-sexual violence charity must truly be rather cunning to be a secret abuser.

When there are allegations of sexual misconduct, you should believe the ‘victim’. Okay, I’m totally with that. But that ‘victim’ doesn’t have to give you any proof for anything they accuse another person off, probably destroying their livelyhood with just a few words? Not even a coherent account of what they’re accusing someone off? Like, what the fuck??? Are people out of their minds?

If you choose to go public with heavy allegations, of course you have to give some facts of what happened to you. Not sordid details but facts that can confirm and explain what you’re hinting at. Like a date, proof you were where you said you were, or a general outline of what happened so other people can comprehed and consider if your allegations are believable. Because we’re all aware of false allegations esp against celebs. We’re also all aware that this is usually no fun for the alleged ‘victim’. So it’s for their own safety and integrity that they have to share some facts. Esp in a case where the allegations started vague with ‘bad experience’, then morphed into ‘sexual assault’, to end up as ‘harassment’ or ‘attempted sexual misconduct’. If you accuse someone of these offences you have to give at least some facts as to what transpired. Otherwise those big words are baseless which doesn’t mean they won’t do harm to both the accuser and the accused.

I believe a ‘victim’ if they have some sort of proof for what they say they were subjected to or can at least give a consistent account of what happened. To describe yourself as a ‘victim’, something objectively harming has had to have happened to you. Sorry, but otherwise it all frays out into a subjective feeling of discomfort, which then is on you and on no one else.

Without some details, simply nothing happened and all this is a storm in a tea cup.

No one forced the people who brought these allegations up to post on social media. They said nothing physical happened and they don’t want to press charges. Why did they even post it then? To warn other women? But to warn someone you have to tell them what you’re warning them about. Did they want to cut Tim down a nodge? Did they want attention and clout? Were they still angry and just wanted to vent? Whatever, social media is not the best place to work through trauma. Get a therapist or a councelor or a lawyer. But just putting unsubstantiated accusations out there is the worst way for everyone involved.

There is no proof this person ever even met Tim. There is no proof anything happened between them. Not that I don’t believe them that he acted like a douche, but if it’s just their word and no proof for anything or details are needed even I could claim the same this woman does (and I have proof I ‘met’ him twice). So you see where this ‘believe the victim’ leads us. Nowhere. The ‘victim’ has at least to proof that there was possible victimisation.

I get it, the girl who met Tim presumably at a party during HSN filming had experienced some form of sexual abuse in high school (her post from 2018 was not about any celebrity afaik but about a guy she went to high school with. I’ve also never seen proof that she accused any other celeb. This was Twitter running amok imo). As nothing physical happened between her and Tim, I assume he said something to her that made her uncomfortable.

He was 19, maybe drunk/high. She was a bit older. He chatted her up, she said no. He backed off but might have said something nasty.

I’m not denying this could’ve happened. But that is life, not assault. It can make you angry and you might post about this incident to show he’s a douche. But label this sexual assault or sexual misconduct? We don’t live in a perfect world. She didn’t feel threatened or violated, just uncomfortable. But of course sexual assault gives you more clout than telling the story of a 19yo wannabe Hollywood star hitting on you and then getting pissy when you turned him down. I mean, water is wet, right? But assault? Misconduct? Harassment? Now you’re talking...

Maybe the incident was more traumatizing to her than it would have been to other people because of her previous experience in high school. We don’t know. As she doesn’t say what happened, we can’t make up our minds. Which doesn’t stop people from throwing all kinds of shit around.

But, please, a guy saying some shit to you isn’t the same as a guy raping you. Is there no awareness of nuance anymore? Have you all gone mad? Yes, trauma differs for everyone, but come on. Men shouldn’t behave vile against women, but there’s still a difference between verbal insults and physical assault. Nobody is perfect and those without sin cast the first stone.

I’m sure this wasn’t Tim’s finest hour. If she’d just said what happened we could all have handled this better.

But Tim’s not a Kevin Spacey ffs.

I know we’re all bored out of our minds. But can we please keep a sense of proportion here? Stop leveling everything to look woke. It’s insulting to real survivors.

Tim is not a predatory rapist and that woman is not a pathological liar out to destroy celebs. The truth lies in between and for sure is much more pathetic, petty and boring.

#timothee chalamet #the current mess #tw assault

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doc-pickles · 3 years

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right where you left me

It’s finally heeeere! One of the reasons I waited so long to post this fic was because my brain wasn’t working but also this accidentally went from a one shot to 8k words... Oops. Since this got so big I’m going to post it in two parts. Here is part one, so I hope y’all enjoy! (and don’t say i never did anything for y’all)

TW// Blood and Miscarriage Mention

Jo had just left Val’s room, her situation not improving and looking like it might get worse. The news had brought her to tears, her body desperately racking with sobs as she stood outside the hospital. She knew she probably looked crazy, she felt crazy, but the day had been too much for her.

The thing that terrified Jo about Val’s situation was that she could place herself there in an instant. Val was pregnant and scared and alone and because of that Luna might not have her mother around. Her mind drifted to the little life growing inside of her, hand flitting down the swell of her stomach as she sat on a bench and gasped for air. What if she died and her child didn’t have anyone? What if she was fighting for her life and her baby was in an incubator alone and scared?

Logically she knew that wouldn’t happen, her friends and coworkers would make sure her baby was taken care of. And Alex… well she still needed to tell him, but she knew he’d step up and take care of their child despite what had happened between them.

That particular thought brought another round of tears to Jo’s eyes, her heart aching at the fact that she had to call Alex and tell him that they were having a baby instead of coming up with some stupid cheesy way to tell him when he came home from work. They’d been trying, maybe not with any conscious effort but she’d gone off her birth control after coming back from treatment and he hadn’t restocked on condoms and well… If there was anything Alex and Jo were good at it was finding time to have sex. They’d even managed to find time for a quick round in the shower the morning he left.She missed him, after all the shit he’d put her through she missed him so much. She chalked it up to her hormones, but Jo would give a lot to see Alex again.

“I’m so sorry to intrude, but are you okay? I know we’re supposed to keep our distance but you look like you could use a hug.”

Jo looked to the woman who now stood in front of her. She was bundled up in a dark pea coat and a grey woolen cap that covered her whole head except a few blonde curls that managed to sneak out. She couldn’t make out any discernible features through the woman’s pink striped face mask, but her dark brown eyes looked friendly enough.

“I’m just having… a really shitty year,” Jo threw her hands out in exasperation, another sob coming up as the woman sat next to her on the wooden bench. “I have this patient and she’s basically dying and she has this… this beautiful little daughter in the NICU and her baby has no one else and it’s just… What if my baby ends up like that? I mean my husband already up and left me to move halfway across the country, wouldn’t me dying from COVID or something just as horrible really be the cherry on top of this disastrous year?”

The woman places a hand on Jo’s shoulder, the small amount of human interaction soothing her soul as the stranger begins to speak, “You have a good heart, I can tell. Who else would be this concerned about someone else’s baby?”

A chuckle escapes Jo as she thinks in her head that her newfound empathy is a direct result of her pregnancy hormones, “Not me usually, but impending motherhood and the prospect of being alone for the rest of my life has turned me into a softie.”

“I get it, when I saw my kids for the first time my whole life changed. My heart just…,” the woman paused, then let out a laugh. “You know in the Grinch? When his heart grows three sizes? That’s what holding my babies for the first time felt like.”

Jo settles a hand onto her slightly rounded stomach, wondering if that’s the reason Alex hadn’t come home. If he’d been so overwhelmed with love for his kids that he just couldn’t leave. She’d never considered the possibility, but now that she did her own heart cracked a bit at the thought.

“I just… I never thought I’d be going through this alone. My husband, he’s so good with kids and he’d wanted them for so long and I was finally ready,” Jo wiped at her eyes as she stared up at the sky, willing her tears to stop just for a moment. “And then he left because he found out he already has kids with his ex. So of course that’s when I would get pregnant, right? Right when things were about to change and we were going to get everything we wanted, he left.”

There was a pause that let Jo collect herself, blinking back her tears before she really had a meltdown in front of this complete stranger. She brushed her coat off, standing and facing the woman on the bench who was staring curiously at Jo.

“Thank you, for letting me vent. I really needed it,” Jo sighed, running a hand through her unruly hair as she straightened her face mask. “If you’ll excuse me, I have a NICU baby to go and check on.”

Jo walked back into the hospital feeling lighter than she had in weeks, the kindness of the stranger she’d met lifting her spirits as she journeyed upstairs. She would be okay, her baby would be fine, and Luna’s situation would resolve itself no matter Val’s outcome.

“Alex!” Standing outside Meredith’s hospital room, Alex turned at the sound of Izzie’s voice. He was grateful she’d offered to come with him to Seattle for emotional support, but he was so lost in his thoughts that he’d barely registered her presence.

“Hey Iz, I just checked on her. They won’t let me in, but she’s doing good,” Alex let a chuckle out as he looked to Meredith’s sleeping form. “She was shocked to see me but the grin she got on her face… It was priceless.” “I think you should stay in Seattle.”

There’s a momentary silence as Alex tries to absorb what Izzie’s said to him. Why the hell would he come back here when his kids were in Kansas? Sure he loved Meredith and her kids… and Jo too, he loved her more than anything. But none of that mattered anymore, his kids were his first priority and he wouldn’t let them down.

“I just think… maybe you should consider it,” Izzie kept speaking before he could even get a word in, her tone making him listen intently. “I love that you’re there for Eli and Alexis, but they’ll be fine only seeing you on holidays and during the summer. I just think you’re needed here, by more people than just Meredith.”

“Iz I-”

“Go up to the NICU, just trust me,” Izzie looks at him, eyes shining with unshed tears as they meet his. He notices that she doesn’t look sad, she looks relieved, happy almost as she speaks to him. “Go to the NICU and if your answer is still the same when you come back then fine. But just… I think it’s important for you to go and see what you’re missing.”

Izzie doesn’t say anything else, settling into a visitor’s chair in the hallway and bringing out the scarf she’d been working on since they’d left Kansas. Alex knows better than to ask questions when she’s this adamant about things, instead letting his feet carry him on the all too familiar path towards the NICU. He missed it if he were honest, being chief of a huge hospital didn’t give him much time to go up and stare at the babies in their plastic incubators anymore. But the room had always been soothing to him, it’s where he’d realized that he wanted to be a Peds surgeon and for that he’d always be grateful.

When he approaches the room he sees exactly what Izzie had been steering him towards. She’s walking out of the NICU, stripping out of the cumbersome PPE she’d had to wear inside and back down to her scrubs. Her hair tumbles out of the messy bun it’d been in but she seems unaffected as she smoothes down the creases in her navy colored scrubs.

That’s when he notices it, the slight swell of her stomach straining against the dark fabric as she reaches up to adjust her face mask. His breathing hitches as his eyes stay glued to her abdomen. After looking at her for almost every day of the past eight years, Alex considered himself an expert on Jo’s body and he knew that the small bump was not there the last time he saw her.

When she turns towards him finally she freezes, eyes wide as they stand across from one another. Their eyes meet for the first time in months and all Alex wants to do is surge forward and bring Jo into a tight hug. He knows he can’t, she would probably punch him in the face if he got within 3 feet of her, but he can dream, right? She’s blinking at him in confusion as if his presence genuinely doesn’t compute in her brain.

“Alex.”

She’s not sure if she’s hallucinating the sight of her ex husband in front of her, but he’s standing there in that stupid black jacket looking at her as if it were for the first time. Her heart is racing, telling her to run to him and hug him tight and not let go. Her brain talks her out of it, instead carrying her forward to stand a few feet in front of him. Jo doesn’t know where her courage comes from, but she hears herself speak first.

“What’re you doing here?”

Her tone isn’t angry or upset like she’d thought it would be, instead carrying a neutral tone to it as she takes in Alex. His eyes are scanning over her too and she knows that he’s going to catch on to the fact that something is different about her. He knew her well enough, it wouldn’t take him long.

“I’m Mer’s healthcare proxy still, I’m gonna hang around until she’s out of the woods,” Alex’s eyes finally come up to meet her again, his fingers reaching out to grab at her hand. “Can we… Can we talk?”

Her heart wins out that time, fingers lacing with Alex’s as she nods and lets him lead her down the hallway. Jo doesn’t know what she’s going to say, doesn’t know what Alex is going to say, but the feeling of his hand pressed against hers is a relief she can’t quite explain.

When they enter the empty on call room, Jo sits herself on one of the beds, her eyes watching her feet as she rips her face mask away. The cool air of the room gives her lungs a needed reprieve as she focuses on anything except Alex.

“How far along are you?”

Her heart stops then, eyes darting up to Alex in panic. He’d already figured it out, already realized that she was pregnant before she even had a chance to say anything to him. Fear builds up inside her as she desperately hopes that he doesn’t think she’s been hiding from him on purpose.

“12 weeks… I haven’t known for that long, I was avoiding it for awhile,” her fingers nervously tangle together as she wills back another round of tears. She’s not going to cry in front of him, she’s stronger than that. “I swear I was going to tell you, I just-”

“I’m not mad, take a breath Jo,” Alex was kneeling in front of her, placing his hands over her own shaking ones as he looked her over. She couldn’t meet his eyes, her own letting hot tears stream down her face no matter how hard she tried to stop them. “Hey don’t cry, I’m not mad. It’s okay, there’s no reason to cry.”

“There is though! There is because you left! You left without a second thought. You didn’t even call, couldn’t even look me in the eye and tell me,” Jo looks up then, meeting his eyes that are now displaying a sad expression. “You left Alex. Nothing changes that, not a baby or a pandemic or anything else. You left me.”

He sighs then, his head hanging low as he takes a deep breath. The all too familiar instinct in Jo wants to hold him close and run her fingers through his hair, but she keeps reminding herself that he’s the one that got them there, not her, “I know I left and I’ve regretted it every day since. I wish I could take it back and talk with you and-”

“You can’t though! You can’t take back what you did, you can’t take back leaving me for Izzie,” Jo pulls her hands out of his grasp then, running them delicately through her hair as she tries to get a grip on her emotions. “You can’t just waltz back in here and pretend a simple apology is going to fix everything because it’s not.”

There’s a thick silence then, the only sounds between the two are their heavy breathing. Jo’s mind is racing and Alex… well Jo is sure that if he didn’t feel guilty before that he definitely does now. She lets her eyes close for a moment, ignoring the tense air and the presence of her ex husband so that she can collect her thoughts.

“I wanna be there, for you and the baby, you know,” Alex’s voice is soft and laced with trepidation as if he might say the wrong thing. “I’m… Izzie is gonna send the kids for summers so I can come back here. And I’m never gonna stop apologizing for-”

“Fine, you can help with the baby but that’s it. I can’t… I can’t do this again. I can’t trust you anymore,” she knows the words are cruel, but they’re true. The moment she opened the letter he’d written Jo had lost all trust in Alex. “You can be there for the baby, I won’t keep you away, but I don’t need you anymore. I can’t need you anymore.”

She stands and leaves then, knowing if she stays any longer she’ll say something she regrets. She’s full of anger and hurt, but more than anything she wishes she could turn around and fold herself into Alex’s arms for hours on end.

There’s something wrong.

As soon as she wakes up in the middle of the night, Jo knows something is wrong. She sits up and turns on the side lamp, not feeling any different but knowing deep down that something had changed. She almost rolled over and went back to sleep, but her fingers brushed against something cool on her sheets. When she looks down at her hand, her heart stops.

Blood.

Her fingers were bright red as she looked down at them, heart hammering loudly in her ears as she tried to make sense of what was happening. She’d been fine when she went to bed just a few hours earlier and now her sheets were covered in blood.

“No no no, please no,” Jo’s voice was barely audible as she reached one hand out towards her phone, blindly dialing the number she knew by heart. “Please god no.”

“Jo? It’s two in the morning.”

“I know but I-”

Her voice cracks then, not able to make out any other words as she stares at the pool of blood on her white sheets. She could hear him clattering around on the other end, the sound of keys jangling and his front door opening and closing.

“I’m coming, I’ll be there in 15 minutes.”

Really he's there in 10, sliding the door to the loft open and finding Jo sitting up in the same spot she had been when she’d called. As soon as she sees him across the darkened loft she really cracks, a loud sob breaking through her as Alex rushes to her side, his eyes immediately taking in the blood stained sheets. His arms are around her in seconds, pulling her into his chest as heavy sobs wracked her body.

“Hey, deep breaths it’s okay,” Alex’s fingers are under her chin, tilting her head up and meeting her eyes. She’s terrified, her heart beating out of time, but Alex’s calm demeanor slows her breathing down and gets her to focus on him. “Go rinse off and then I’ll take you in. Okay?”

Jo nods, trusting Alex’s words as she walks silently to the bathroom and strips out of her clothes. She climbs into the shower, letting the hot water calm her only slightly as her fingers float down to her swollen belly. At 15 weeks she’d thought she’d left her worries behind in the first trimester, but the cold reality of the real world had decided to slap her across the face tonight. As she stands under the warm spray she prays to any god that might be out there to keep the baby resting in her womb safe where they are.

“You okay? Jo?”

Alex’s voice sounding outside the bathroom door snaps Jo out of her thoughts, her burning skin telling her she’d been in there for longer than she’d thought. She responds quickly, letting Alex know she was still alive before shutting the water off and grabbing a towel to wrap around herself. Jo realizes that she hadn’t even noticed him putting a pair of sweatpants and one of his old t-shirts in the bathroom for her. She quickly pulled the clothing on, exiting the bathroom to find Alex gathering up her bedsheets and throwing them into the laundry hamper.

“Hey,” Alex’s tone is laced with concern and care as he steps towards her. She’s barely talked to him in the few weeks he’d been back in Seattle, but Jo can’t resist folding herself into the comfort of his arms as hot tears begin to stream down her face. “Hey it’s okay, everything is gonna be okay.”

Jo hadn’t changed her mind on what she’d told Alex when he’d found out about the baby, but as she faced the possibility that they might lose their child all she wanted was his comfort. His arms settled around her waist, one hand curling towards her stomach to let his fingers brush across the bump there.

“Let me take you in, we’ll get you checked out and everything will be okay,” Alex’s voice is muffled as he presses his lips into her hair. Jo blindly nods, not moving from her place against Alex’s chest. “You’re gonna be okay, you’re not bleeding anymore right?”

Jo shakes her head in answer, her body curling closer to Alex’s as she thought about going in and being told her baby hadn’t made it.

“That’s a good thing. Come on,” when Jo still makes no move to leave his embrace, Alex leans back and looks down at her, eyes scanning her face somberly. “I’ll stay with you the whole time, okay?”

Jo lets Alex lead her out of the loft and down to his car that’s parked haphazardly in the lot. The drive seems to take twice as long as usual, Jo’s hand never leaving Alex’s grip as she watches the scenery of Seattle pass by in a blur. Her free hand subconsciously wraps around her belly, hoping for the flutters she’d felt the past few days to return.

Before she can comprehend what’s happening around her, Jo is sitting in an exam room waiting for the OB on call to see her. She doesn’t remember walking out of the car or coming into the hospital, she doesn’t remember changing into the sterile smelling hospital gown or answering whatever intake questions were asked of her. She figures Alex had taken care of that, his hand still clasped in hers as he sits in the chair next to the exam bed.

“I’m still here, I’m not leaving,” Alex’s voice soothes her nerves, as if he can hear the exact thoughts running through her head at the moment. “I’m not leaving Jo.”

And he doesn’t. The OB comes in and performs a quick physical exam before she powers on the ultrasound machine. Jo lays back, eyes closed in a combination of fear and anxiety as she feels the probe slide around her abdomen. She doesn’t want to see the woman’s face when she tells her that her baby isn’t alive anymore.

And then, there’s a booming sound that echoes through the room. Jo’s eyes flash open and look towards the screen, the black and white image of her uterus showing a baby that won’t stop moving around. The heartbeat booms again and it takes everything in her not to break down and cry tears of joy.

“I told you it would be okay,” Alex’s voice is soft and filled with emotion as he squeezes her hand, his lips involuntarily pressing against her forehead. “See, they're fine. You’re both fine.”

The OB spouts off something or another but all Jo hears is that she and the baby are okay. She needs to stay off her feet for a few days but she’ll be fine. Her heart returns to normal as the woman leaves the room, hands coming up to cover her face as a fresh round of tears begin to float down her cheeks.

“Come here, you’re okay,” Alex envelops her in his arms once more, Jo pressing herself tightly against him as she let her tears flow. They weren’t sad or scared anymore, the tears she was crying now were ones of relief and joy. “Get dressed and I'll take you home okay? I’m gonna go get you discharged.”

Quickly changing back into her clothes, Jo sat on the edge of the exam table reflecting on her night so far. The terrified feeling she’d had when she saw her blood stained sheets hadn’t gone away unless Alex was holding her in his arms, his soothing words and physical presence doing more to put her mind at ease than any of her years of experience as a doctor. Her fingers moved to her stomach as she felt a light flutter, her baby making sure she knew she wasn’t alone.

“You ready? You’re all set to get out of here and crawl back in bed,” as soon as he had stepped back into the room, Alex laced his fingers with Jo’s and squeezed her hand reassuringly.

“I don’t want to go home,” Jo shook her head, eyes moving to Alex’s as she took a deep breath. “I don’t want to go back to sleep in my bed. Please.”

“Okay, I won’t take you home,” Alex pulled Jo up and into his chest, one arm wrapping around her shoulders as they walked out of the ER.

The constant comfort of Alex’s skin against hers is the only thing that keeps Jo stable as he drives away from the hospital. One hand is on the steering wheel but the other is still grasping tightly to Jo’s hand. She thinks he knows how calming his presence is, how at ease he makes her feel when everything around her is uncertain. He’d never say anything but she knew that he could read her thoughts so clearly.

They pull up outside of an apartment complex just a few blocks from the loft. Jo realizes then that she’s never been to Alex’s apartment, she’s never had a reason to before now. She lets him lead her inside and upstairs, opening the front door of the small one bedroom apartment. There’s still boxes around the living room, some she’d even packed herself in her haste to get rid of anything that reminded her of Alex.

His hand is on her back as she walks into his bedroom, an empty shell of a room besides the bed frame, bedside table and dresser. Jo takes in the two pictures on the nightstand, the first is of Alex sandwiched between two young children that she knows to be his kids, all three wearing matching crooked smiles. The second is an all too familiar picture frame wrapped up with a red bow. She knows if she looks on the back of it that she’ll see her own handwriting penned in gold ink, but she doesn’t dare to do this now. Instead she settles herself on the edge of the bed, watching silently as Alex kicks his shoes off into the corner of the room before gently removing her own slippers and placing them next to his.

“You can take my bed, I’ll sleep on the couch,” Alex’s voice snapped Jo out of her daze, her fingers reaching back out to him as he moved away from her. She doesn’t say anything as she wraps herself in his covers, staring up at him silently and waiting for him to join her.

When he finally does climb into bed Jo waits a moment before curling her body around his, her fingers clutching his shirt tightly. It’s not until Alex’s fingers brush across her stomach that she breaks down, letting her sobs fill the air as he holds her close. She’s relieved, of course she is, but she doesn’t think she’s let her emotions properly air out. So she cries and she lets herself be vulnerable in Alex’s arms and for just a few hours, everything seems like it’s going to be okay.

#jolex #alex karev #jo karev #jo wilson #greys anatomy #jo x alex #jolex fanfic #jolex fic #nina writes #fix it fic

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savrenim · 3 years

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hi hi hi. so I just got into the Hamilton fandom, I swear I am four years late where did everybody go, and, well. I am apparently a hamburr shipper. bcs that is my life now. anyway I saw your fic ifmlam and I swear it is my favourite of all the fics I've ever read (and trust me I've read literally thousands). I love it so so much, how do you write fics like that??? I cried about four times during the whole thing, I stayed up till 4am reading it even when I had to wake up at 7 because it is just. that. good. I could not stop thinking about it for days afterwards and ifmlam has just ruined me. I can't think of listen to Hamilton without thinking of ifmlam anymore.

on to my qursttion: is it abandoned? of course it's perfectly FINE if it is. don't let anyone tell u differently, your fic is YOURS and u are amazing.

but pls I really need closure from ur fic, it has been haunting me if its abandoned or ongoing and I've read ur other fics and they are just chefskiss and thank you so much for writing them all. thank you thank you thank you, I will never be able to thank you enough for writing this fic and for everything it's done for me. I am probably thousands of miles away but I am sending you virtual jugs through a co.puter screen right now.

(don't feel pressured to reply to this or update it flam, I know how overwhelming it can get with so many messages and after a while u get desensitized to it. u can literally reply "thx. itfmlam is abandoned" and I would still be amazingly star struck. anyway has gotten way too long and I need to sleep and I'm sorry u probably won't see this so I'm just talking to myself right now but bye!!)

and thank you so so much for writing itfmlam.

aaaah hello anon!

thank you so so much???? I am so??? honored??? that ifmlam rates so highly to you, and also that you've read my other fics??????

the answer to the "is ifmlam abandoned" question is probably the worst possible one, which is pretty much "I do want to finish it, both for the folks that still want closure as well as it bothers to me have abandoned projects that are in the public eye/ already partially published, but also, it is last on my current writing projects list"

my current actually active writing projects list, kind of in order of priority, is

I'm literally three chapters away from being Actually Fully Done with the not-quite-first-not-quite-second let's call it 1.5th draft of an actual?? full?? original?? novel?? Opus which of course then goes out to beta readers and then gets who-knows-how-much edited and then maybe beta readers again if a lot does change and then a copyeditor my mom, my copyeditor is my mom, and maybe my little brother he's one of the betas but is very good at catching typos and then I!!! get to publish it!!!! which is the single thing I am most excited for!!!!!!!!! this should be closed up in the next week or two, and then take a while for people to actually read the draft and get back to me.

I really desperately want to finish my open-but-like-90%-written fic, which means we raise it up, the final chapter of to the bottom of the river bc I realized that it was kind of incomplete, and the second chapter of a buried and a burning flame because any more work there will need to wait until the author publishes the next book in the series. this should be closed up in the next month or two.

Speedwrite the draft of the second book of the Opus series so that hopefully by the time book 1 edits are happening, I have an almost complete draft of the second book. this is mostly me side-eyeing myself about taking nearly four years to write the first book, but that is solidly in part because I had so many other open projects which point 2 is about clearing that docket. this should be done in the next year.

And then just have my major projects be, at least until books 1-5 are written and published, books 1-5 of that because that is arguably the first major 'plot arc' of the series, so if I'm looking for a pause point on writing, that's probably where to stop.

There are two or three other short side projects (a weird fun second person short story tentatively titled witch-queen, a collection of four short stories Memoirs about a not-so-evil necromancer and the shenanigans he gets up to trying to rule a kingdom, working title Perfectly Normal Recipe Blog which is a collaborative project about a perfectly normal recipe blog that definitely doesn't include anything out of the normal) that will happen when they happen

There are other projects that are on the backburner -- The Numanok Files, a series of probably 12-15 short novellas about a mercenary/ bounty hunter esque person in space whose specialty is dealing with hauntings, but, like, 80% of their jobs is actually "you are effectively a space home inspector pointing out faulty wiring reacting to solar flares/ there's a weird alien fungus/ it's carbon monoxide okay change your atmosphere filters" and 20% of it is punching ghosts; there's a post-post apocalypse novel that I want to write that I know characters and general pacing and half the setting but need to work out the other half and figure out how much aesthetic I want to commit to; there's Strangeside7 aka spacerace book that is my reaction to how much I love how Redline the anime movie commits itself to "no we are about a race, like 60% of the screentime is just fully going to be an utterly ridiculous sci fi space race"; there's even a ridiculous YA trilogy that I would have to completely transplant the setting but might end up writing because the interplay between angel-physics and physics-physics was one of my favorite things in the world. and I guess the weird ridiculous technically a sequel series to ifmlam that was going to be published as original books that was basically me having fun with 'okay I fucking love star wars prequels old rotting space bureaucracy galactic republic style' except with seers and that also still might happen because it does have some of the coolest sci fi concepts and honestly I thiiiink that's all?

but the tl;dr of that timeline is I'm trying to finish a punch of projects Right Now, so that I can write books 2-5 of Opus, and then when I'm done that (which honestly, my average fiction-writing output is close to 100k a year. if I'm concentrating purely on one project, and writing books that are about 100k, we are talking four years. although my job situation is super up in the air in that period and writing might get put solidly on the backburner as I try to make it in academia, so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯) I will re-evaluate which projects go next, and that's when ifmlam is likely to come up for review.

I do not have any expectations that I will make it as an original author. I'm planning on posting all of my stuff online for free, but, like. it is incredibly difficult to convince people to try out even a piece of free and easily accessibly original work even if one has a huge following, I am a very small fanfiction author, and from what I can tell the majority of the people who are interested in my work are mostly interested in me finishing ifmlam. writing is a hobby for me, and while I'm writing mostly for me--and hence the for me bit at least for the next five years is pretty solidly going to be this series that I am deeply excited about and have sunk my heart and soul into every single aspect of--I'm human, and I don't really like shouting into the void, and I expect if I spend five years publishing to absolutely no response I will either stop writing for a while and do other things gods know my life is busy enough, return to fandom in general to write some other fanfic about whatever I get deeply into, or return to a work that I actually get response to. so ifmlam will probably start getting worked on a bit at that point one way or another. unless, of course, we are in the incredibly rare timeline in which I do make it as an original author, there are people who are deeply hyped for my original works and an actual demand for them, in which case as you may have noticed there are enough ideas there to keep me busy for a decade or two, and they will just get my full attention instead of fanfiction*. in this timeline, I will do what I was considering doing a few years ago, which is officially declare ifmlam otherwise abandoned and make one more giant chapter update which is a full and cleaned up outline of what I was going to write, interspersed with the scenes already written, and have ifmlam be given at least that closure.

*I want to make it clear that I very much love fanfiction and am proud to have been a fanfiction author and in my heart of hearts would keep writing it forever, I just also have a lot of ideas for characters and settings and magic systems and Aesthetics and I have been biting at the bit to write something that is //mine// and all mine and only mine for a while, I don't see original work as superior so much as there are a dozen fandoms that I am currently in and bursting to make content about except oops these fandoms currently only exist in my head, and I want to correct that

of course given how much as writing is my vent activity and I write what I'm in the mood for, there's a chance I'll feel ifmlam cravings before then, just... expect it to take a couple of years for an update, but also for there to be an update one way of another in a couple of years? but as for right now, I'm turning to original writing, because that is what brings me joy.

but I am really deeply honored that it brought you so much joy!!! and while I will never publish spoilers in a public place, if you message me off anon I am perfectly happy to give a run-down of my current plans for the ending, bc I know "wait a couple years and see" is not the most satisfactory of answers! and hey maybe you'll be like me and once you've given Opus a try you'll decide you like it better too, it does have Seers although they are deeply different Seers than in ifmlam but imo it's very gay and fun and at least politics on one side

#my life #my writing #ifmlam

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