#which i still tend to avoid using too many of them bc i do find them to be silly and a lot of them are like. ough

[northern-passage]

this was one of the first snippets i posted back on patreon in 2021, with Lea and Merry. i've edited it a bit (a lot) before reposting it since it was a few years old, and it was fun to see how much more confident i am now with writing intimate scenes than i was back then.

i imagine this would take place sometime while the gang is in Highfell, maybe the first few nights or right before they're setting out to leave again. enjoy~

Lea glances back as Merry quietly steps out onto the balcony, a sudden wave of heat washing over them from inside before the door closes and the cold night air chases it back out. They shiver a bit, eyeing the bottle in Merry's hand as she walks over to where they sit balanced on the railing, their back towards the inn, their feet dangling over the long drop down to the beach below. They take a deep inhale from their pipe, tasting it for a long moment before exhaling slowly.

Merry leans against the railing beside them, her arms crossed over the cold, damp wood, clutching the bottle still in her hand, tapping it lightly with her nails.

"You going to stay out here all night?" Merry asks, peering up at Lea, who just shrugs. "You're wasting that expensive bed in there," Merry scoffs, turning out towards the water and taking a quick drink before setting the bottle aside precariously atop the railing.

"I can't sleep," Lea says simply, staring out at the dark water, fidgeting with their pipe in their hand.

"There are plenty of other things you can do in a bed like that than just sleep," Merry smirks.

Lea huffs, rolling their eyes as they raise their pipe to their lips again.

The waves roll gently out across the beach, the black water shimmering as the full moon reflects its light across the choppy surface, with a soft green glow on the distant horizon from the northern lights. Merry and Lea sit in comfortable silence for a few minutes, and Lea finds themself glancing sideways, staring at the woman beside them, the soft light of the inn filtering through the balcony windows and igniting her auburn hair in a dreamy glow, clashing with the dark shadows and white, pale light coming off the water.

"What?" Merry says, giving Lea a coy look out of the corner of her eye.

Lea scowls, shaking their head and turning away, lifting their pipe only for Merry to pluck it from their hand, tilting her head and leaning in close as she takes a deep breath, holding the pipe between her lips. Lea doesn't move away, even as Merry exhales, the smoke curling in the small space between them.

"Smoking is bad for you, you know," she says.

"So is drinking," Lea shoots back, and Merry just smiles, holding the pipe in her mouth, her lips curling around the mouthpiece as her teeth flash white in the dark.

Merry slides closer along the railing, her eye roaming over Lea's face, flicking to their lips, and she can’t suppress the thrill she feels when Lea doesn't move away, a sudden nervous energy pulsing in the air. Slowly, Lea reaches out, gently taking the pipe from Merry's mouth, and she lets them, holding their dark eyes in her gaze as they do it, her lips parting just enough for the mouthpiece to slide free. Lea is the one that looks away first, a slight blush creeping over their face, glancing down and fumbling with the pipe in their lap.

Merry is feeling bold, either from the alcohol or the tobacco or both, and she closes the remaining space between them, her hand gently brushing over Lea's thigh - but they go rigid at the contact, grabbing her by the wrist and pulling her hand away.

Merry quickly steps back, recoiling, and Lea releases her, their eyes widening.

"What are you doing?" Lea asks, their words coming out too fast, clumsily swinging their legs back over the railing and dropping down onto the balcony. They clutch their pipe to their chest, blinking slowly at the captain, their eyes still wide and wary.

"Sorry, I clearly misread the… situation," Merry says, raising her hands, giving Lea an apologetic look. "I thought you were interested."

Lea hesitates, glancing out at the water, before forcing themself to look back at Merry.

"I - I am," they say quickly, grimacing before dropping their hands and setting their pipe down beside Merry's bottle on the railing. They struggle for a moment, scowling at the pipe and wringing their hands, anxiously twisting a thumb ring that Merry has never noticed before.

"I'm sorry. I just… are you sure?" they finally say, and they can't look at her, their face burning, wishing the floor would just swallow them up. Lea just finds it hard to believe that a woman like the captain would be interested in them - after everything. Of course, there's been flirting and teasing between them, but Merry seems to be like that with just about everyone. And even Lea wasn't sure sometimes if they really meant it - but right now, just the two of them, it feels more real. More tangible.

"I'm sure, Lea."

Merry tilts her head at them, studying their face for a moment. Lea is handsome, and their features look even more severe than usual in the unforgiving moonlight, their eyes flashing as they return her stare. Lea takes a step forward then, but stops short, opening their hands, palms-up - waiting for her.

Merry approaches them as if they were a skittish animal - she doesn't want to spook them again. But Lea gives her a little nod, and soon enough they're so close that she can smell nothing but that tobacco on their breath.

Merry takes their hands, guides them to her waist.

"I'm sure," she says again. "I like you, Lea Chen," she whispers, and Lea bows their head, their jaw set. Merry raises a hand and gently presses her palm to Lea's cheek, and they let out a long sigh, melting into the touch, closing their eyes for a moment before turning their head - just enough to brush their lips against Merry's inner wrist, feel her warmth and taste her pulse.

The gesture seems to ignite them both simultaneously, Merry's other hand tangling in their thick hair, cradling the back of their neck and urging them forward while Lea roughly grabs at her hips pulls her close. Their bodies lock together as their lips meet, teeth clicking against each other and lips splitting painfully in their haste.

It's a messy first kiss, both of them hungry for it, enthusiastic, clumsy, and a little bloody - metallic with the sweet spice of tobacco and alcohol making Lea's head spin as they taste Merry's tongue in their mouth. Merry rolls her hips against their thigh, pulling at their hair and sucking on their bottom lip, ignoring the ache in her teeth as they kiss and kiss and kiss.

Eventually they have to break apart, both of them breathing hard, Merry still gripping a handful of Lea's hair, their bun hanging loose with long strands falling across their face and tickling Merry's lips as they pant together over the sound of the waves.

"The bed," Lea says, breathless, and Merry nods, pulling them back towards the door, and they reach around her for the doorknob, throwing it open hard enough that it slams into the wall and makes both of them wince. But Merry just laughs.

"Sorry," Lea says sheepishly, ducking their head as they gently push it close. It's scorching in the room, from the woodstove, or just from the two of them together, hot and heavy hands roaming and groping as the two kiss again, slowly backpedaling towards the bed.

Merry shrugs out of her jacket, letting it drop to the floor before reaching for Lea's belt buckle. She pulls at their shirt, untucking it from their trousers, and Lea watches as Merry pulls their belt free in one quick motion, tossing it over her shoulder with a smirk. Her hands are surprisingly cold now, slipping beneath their shirt, Lea grunting from the touch as she trails her fingers across their stomach.

"Okay?" Merry prompts, looking up to search Lea's face, and they nod quickly, leaning forward to pepper kisses along Merry's jaw, down her neck, all while her hands explore beneath their shirt, tracing the plane of muscle over their ribs before slowly drawing her nails down their back.

Merry tilts her head back, Lea's lips brushing against her pulse, sucking gently, teeth grazing over her flushed skin, their hands reaching around to slide down the curve of her ass, squeezing roughly until she gasps. Merry pushes their shirt up then, fumbling a bit as she tries to unbutton Lea's trousers, and they laugh, the sound reverberating through Merry's chest before they relent, pulling back so Merry can actually see what she's doing. The buttons are no match for her now, and she gives Lea a coy look through her lashes.

"Take off your shirt," Merry says, her fingers curling around the front of Lea's trousers, partly pulling them open, admiring the glimpse of their lower stomach as they raise their arms to tug at their shirt. They jerk it off over their head, tossing it aside with their belt, and Merry drinks in the sight of them, rolling her bottom lip between her teeth as she looks over their exposed torso, their chest and their scars, and all the beauty marks adorning their skin. She releases their trousers to run her hands over their chest, their shoulders, squeezing the swell of muscle in their arms before pulling them back in for more kisses, open-mouthed and still hungry. Lea makes a sound in the back of their throat that sends a spike of want lancing hot up Merry's spine, and she grinds herself against them, her hands tightening around their arms hard enough to bruise. She breaks their kiss then to desperately press her lips to the hollow of their throat, breathing them in and dragging her tongue across their collarbone before blowing cool air over their pulse and making them shiver.

Lea pushes Merry farther into the room, tangled together and nearly tripping over each other until the back of Merry's knees hit the bed.

She drops down, pulling Lea down with her, though they catch themself, a hand on either side of her, palms pressed to the bedspread. They lower themself slowly, sliding their thigh between her legs and flexing it a few times and dragging it up along the length of her until she’s squirming, her fingernails leaving little half-crescents indented in their shoulders.

Lea pushes her shirt up, exposing her stomach, caressing her with a gentle hand before sliding low to kiss her just above her navel. They follow the scattered trail of freckles, their tongue snaking out and leaving its own glistening trail as they slowly make their way down to the waistband of her trousers. Their hands follow close behind, teasing her breasts before sliding down her stomach to her thighs, pushing them apart and opening her legs wide as they take their place on their knees. They pause for a moment, kicking their own shoes off before pulling at Merry's, followed by her trousers, with Merry laughing and wiggling on the bed all the while.

The laughing stops, though, when Lea presses their mouth against her, her breath catching in her throat as they kiss slowly at her inner thighs, sucking on the soft skin and carefully testing her with their teeth. Merry reaches down, fingers twisting through Lea's hair, her body arching back against the bed as Lea drags their tongue over her cock, hot and wet and attentive.

But they stop, pulling back to kiss her some more, on her stomach, her hips, biting at her thighs, all while her hand tightens around their hair until she can't take it anymore. Her thighs clench around Lea's head, breathless and giddy, her long hair starting to stick to the sudden sweat along the back of her neck.

"Lea," she whines, and then she inhales sharply as they finally wrap a hand around her base and press a wet kiss to the tip of her cock, staring up at her as they do, their other hand gripping one of her thighs. They open their mouth, taking a little at a time, bobbing their head as Merry gasps and pulls at their hair. Lea eventually grabs her hips, pressing her back into the bed when she starts to buck reflexively, their movements slow and agonizing as they keep stopping and starting again, kissing her stomach and thighs, reaching up and teasing her nipples through her shirt.

When they wrap their lips around her again, they let her hit the back of their throat, Merry loudly moaning their name, both hands tangled desperately in their hair now as they move up and down a few times and then slowly draw back, their tongue flexing deliciously against her before they let her fall from their mouth with a gasp. Strands of spit and fluid drip from their open mouth, and Merry tugs impatiently at their hair, sitting up then to meet them with a kiss.

Lea holds her face in their hands, their thumb stroking her cheekbone, tentatively touching the fabric of her bandana, still wrapped around her head and hiding her eye from them.

Merry pulls back, Lea's hands still cradling her face, and she reaches up, touching their wrist before taking their hand in her own, guiding their fingers to slide beneath the cloth, giving them a nod when they hesitate, their brow furrowed with concern.

"Take it off," Merry says, though her voice is soft, not a command like earlier - but a request. She nods at Lea again, sliding her hand down their arm and giving it a squeeze. The first time with someone, Merry usually keeps the bandana on - she's protective of it. It's not like it's some big secret - anyone can see the scars beneath the bandana, the way she hides behind it. Maybe they can even tell that she's hiding more than just her damaged eye. But she wants Lea to see. She doesn't know why, but she wants them to see her tonight.

Lea carefully lifts the bandana off, untangling some of Merry's hair twisted through it, setting it atop the blankets. Merry casts her gaze sideways, avoiding Lea as they take in her fully exposed face, her drooping eyelid and her milky white eye. They don't say anything, instead just reaching up again and tracing the scars there, the ghost of a touch along her cheek.

Merry closes her eyes, bowing her head for a moment. When she opens them again, she can't quite meet Lea's stare, so she looks down at their chest, at their own scars, and she mirrors their touch, her thumb caressing the raised skin that runs horizontal just beneath the muscle. Lea takes her in their arms then, pulling her close, humming softly as she touches them there.

"Merry," they breathe, their lips against her neck, and for a moment she just lets them hold her, kissing her throat and cradling her face while she strokes their chest.

Eventually, she slowly pulls back, slipping out of their arms and pressing her hands to their chest, pushing them back onto the mattress, her long hair falling over her shoulders and tickling their face. Sitting between their legs, she touches them with her hands first, caressing their face, the curve of their neck, then feeling the strong muscle of their shoulders, down to the swell of their chest and those long scars. The muscle over their ribs, the soft skin of their stomach, their hips, squeezing their thighs. She stands from the bed and takes off their trousers, dropping back down and starting again, her hands first, slow and deliberate, and then she follows with her mouth, kissing their jaw, the hollow of their throat, trailing along their collarbone before sucking on their chest, massaging and kissing along their scars, drawing a low moan from them before taking one of their nipples in her mouth and teasing them with her teeth. She sucks gently while Lea strokes her hair, pushing it back out of her face, gathering it in one hand and pulling it over her shoulder while their breath quickens with pleasure.

Merry kisses their scars a few more times before sitting back up, licking her lips and running her hands down their stomach and over their thighs again. She slowly draws her hand between their legs, and Lea's hips twitch, longing for her touch, pressing themself against her while they watch her through half-lidded eyes. She pulls back, getting an indignant huff from Lea, licking her fingers before she reaches down to touch them again. She drags her thumb over their growth, moving her hand in a slow circle, Lea's head rolling back against the pillows as she does.

"Fuck," they grunt, gritting their teeth and grabbing at the blankets. Merry stares down at them, pressing a palm to their lower stomach as she strokes their opening, playing with their growth until she's satisfied by their panting and moaning. Lea tries to stay quiet - it embarrasses them, it makes them feel too vulnerable, even more than someone touching them like this - but she doesn't let them. Lea bites their lip, swallowing loudly, sweating and twisting in the sheets until they can't resist it anymore. Her hand works faster and harder, until they finally moan her name, and then she slips a few fingers inside.

Merry pays attention to the spots that make them moan even louder, their body trembling from her touch, her fingers curling slowly inside with delightfully obscene sounds as she thrusts her hand faster and faster, hot and wet. By the time Merry moves her hand away and eases herself inside of them, they're both begging for it, Lea's legs shaking as they lift their hips to accommodate her.

They finish quickly together like that. Skin on skin, grunting together as Lea hooks their legs around her and touches her stomach, lifting her shirt up to grab at her breasts, holding her tight until she has to pull out to come on their stomach. It takes her a moment to recover, Lea pushing her hair back out of her face again, and then she returns her attention to them, working her hand against their growth just like before until they finally come undone completely beneath her. She strokes them gently a few more times before she untangles herself from their legs, standing from the bed and fetching a towel from the washbasin in the corner. She cleans them up, and then collapses on top of them, both of them hot and sweaty and clinging to each other. Lea takes a deep breath, wrapping their arms around her and holding her tightly against their chest.

"Hmm," Merry presses her lips to their flushed skin, giving them a few lazy kisses before tucking her head beneath their chin. "I told you I liked you, Lea Chen."

Lea smiles softly, reaching up to pet her hair, kissing the top of her head and feeling a sudden rush of affection that nearly makes their breath catch in their throat. They gently comb their fingers through her hair, neither of them quite knowing what else to say - until Merry is eventually lulled to sleep by Lea's gentle hands.

They take the chance to study the scars on her face, the slow rise and fall of her breathing, the way her body curls around them with her hands grasping at the blankets, grasping for them, even in her sleep. They notice a few grey hairs this close, and then they start to count her freckles when sleep alludes them.

Eventually they relax, leaning back into the pillows and staring up at the ceiling. They keep brushing their fingers through Merry's hair as they wonder how long it will be until they regret this. Only a few more days left here - only a few more days with her. It will be a clean break, at least.

They glance down at her again, clenching their jaw before turning their head to stare out the windows to the balcony, watching the distant northern lights dance across the water. At least right now, in this moment, they have this. Merry's steady heartbeat pressed against their own, the calming sound of the ocean outside, the heat of the woodstove making their eyes grow heavy - they feel warm and content as they finally pass into sleep, even when Merry slips out of their arms, and out the door.

#also i just realized highfell isnt on the water but theyre sitting by the ocean. oopsie #anyways. this was like the first sex scene i ever wrote LOL #it was very funny rereading it. i also avoided all 'bad' words back then #which i still tend to avoid using too many of them bc i do find them to be silly and a lot of them are like. ough #but you have to call it SOMETHING. you know #i honestly go back and forth about liking how i write these bc they do feel very.... hmm visceral isnt quite the right word #but i know they're not Fluffy or anything i tend to get straight to business lmfao #and then i'll read someone else's work who writes like the softest most beautiful sex scene ever. and im like :/ why does mine #read like a horror movie. LOL #snippets #lea chen #merry harlowe #nsft

[allaganexarch]

Author Interview

Thank you @thevikingwoman for the tag!!!

1. how many works do you have on AO3?

100 💪😔

2. what's your total AO3 word count?

oh god. oh god. sdkjnfjknfknjf. 1,107,586

3. what fandoms do you write for?

tbh I really don't feel I write for specific fandoms, I move around as the wind takes me

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

Songbird -- Sleeping Beauty (Maleficent/Aurora) || 39k words maleficent finds the princess before the curse takes effect.

The Prisoner -- Sleeping Beauty (Maleficent/Aurora) || 250k words Do Not Read The Prisoner.

New Disaster -- Portal (Chell/GLaDOS) || 9.8k words post-portal 2 chell-focused character journey.

Begin to Hope -- Sleeping Beauty || Maleficent/Aurora || 16k words more trauma processing thinly disguised as a coffee shop au.

total control -- Sleeping Beauty || Maleficent/Aurora || 5.7k words god this one makes me cringe but ppl still read it sometimes. modern au. smut i am too embarrassed to reread.

5. do you respond to comments?

Except for recently when I got way too behind for various reasons, I respond to all comments unless they're like rude or something LOL!

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

Hmmmm I had to think about this for a bit LOL bc I think I tend to favor, like, melancholy but hopeful endings. I honestly wish I could write sadder endings--there's one fic in particular that just absolutely eviscerated me and I'd love to be able to replicate that. But I tend to get invested in longer fics and want to make the ending Worth It you know, so I think you have to pull off a particular flavor of tragedy for that to be the case.

Anyway, maybe stop-time? It's uhhhhh an Incredibles 2 Helen Parr/Evelyn Deavor fic LOL Not sure how I feel abt the ending in retrospect actually but I'd say it's the least positive.

7. what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

See above LOL, this is also hard because I think I always like there to be a little bit of a twinge in my endings! Like everything's okay but there's still a little lingering pain/uncertainty/etc. I honestly don't know on this one LOL, I think maybe The Prisoner has the happiest ending?? Because it was so long, I really wanted to resolve as many threads as possible. But now I'm ruining it with scorched earth LOL!

8. do you get hate on fics?

I've gotten a few interesting messages over the years LOL, the real ones will remember.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

I went on an Improvement Journey a couple of years ago and now I feel my smut writing is wayyyyy better--anything before that makes me cringe out of this mortal plane. I like writing character-focused and story-driven smut.

(battling my demons rn part of me wants to write malora smut just so the only malora smut i ever wrote isn't TERRIBLE AND CRINGE but also i do not want to write malora smut do you see my problem)

10. do you write crossovers? what's the craziest one you've written?

Full crossovers are tbh too much effort for me LOL--I will sometimes write, like, crossover-inspired things. The Chance You Take (DA2/Meredith/Hawke) is extremely Carol-coded, for example.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of, but I have had a couple of ideas just straight-up plagiarized from private conversations which made me pretty pissed LOL.

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

No, I used to be so awkward and just avoid answering when people asked me, but now I just refuse outright.

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, I'm like wayyyyyyy too much of a crazy control freak for that LOL!

14. what's your all-time favourite ship?

Ohhhhhh come on you can't ask me that LOL, it changes all the time.

15. what's a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

As I mentioned recently, most of my old WIPs are pretty much abandoned at this point. Never say never, but I just don't think I'll ever muster enough interest or enjoyment to make finishing them worthwhile for me.

16. what are your writing strengths?

Natural dialogue, slightly agonizing yearning, generally describing like, specific Emotional States TM.

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

Hmmmm I still think I'm working on my pacing in certain contexts, and on making stronger narrative choices/not pulling punches. I think my narrative can meander a little and I can repeat myself a bit if I don't edit enough. I also notice sometimes that because I love working within limited pov I don't always explain, like, the character's thought process well enough? So what she's thinking sometimes seems like a leap of logic looking at it from an outside perspective. But overall I think I'm a very strong writer.

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

LOL I think just indicate that it's in another language unless it's like just a word or short phrase and you either explain what it means in-story or can guess from context. There are probably some very specific circumstances where you might want a small section of dialogue in another language to create a certain effect, but other than that I think it's a no.

19. first fandom you wrote for?

I mean we really don't have to unearth my whole fandom history here. Let's say it was a musical and leave it at that :)

20. favourite fic you've written?

Oh idk, I think I'll always have a soft spot for New Disaster, and more recently I really like everybody's fool (DA2, hawke/aveline) -- but it's hard to choose an absolute favorite!!!

TAG TIMEEEE: @thepapernautilus @yourlocaldisneyvillain @eemamminy-art @quinnthebard @delirious-comfort annnd i am once again so bad at thinking of fellow writers

#hi have i complained about how much the tumblr post editor SUCKS LATELY #what the actual FUCK was that oh my god #exciting tag for writing things #personal

[shiningclown69]

Inspired by @stellasolaris post on the winx specialists' individual flaws

I have similar takes on Brandon and Riven's flaws, so I won't repeat them here. Check out her post on it!

Not doing Sky either bc I think he's been whacked on the head with a stick one too many times by the fandom alr 😭

I hesitate to consider some of these traits "flaws" for fear of being disrespectful (?), so take this with a grain of salt!

-----

Timmy:

-very socially awkward and struggles to fit into social situations. He's grown more outspoken, but still finds it difficult to start or hold a conversation, especially with strangers. He also doesn't really know how to act in these scenarios, which drains him

-occasionally struggles with issues of self confidence, self worth and feelings of inferiority. These usually relate to his skills and appearance (surfing comic). This causes Timmy to have angry/sad outbursts or feelings of resentment towards his friends sometimes

-finds it difficult to verbalise or connect with his feelings on a deeper level. He tries his best to explain using analogies and examples if prompted though

-way more risk averse than the others, which isn't necessarily bad (but is usually perceived as cowardice). Timmy only takes thoroughly calculated risks with a high success rate. But in a pinch, his indecisiveness might cost more harm than good

Helia:

-has very high expectations of himself and does not take well to failure or sub-par performance. This applies to everything from battling to art. He tends to dwell and reflect on past mistakes a lot. These expectations sometimes seeps into his perception of others.

-because of his connection to Saladin, he tries to over-compensate by constantly pushing himself and making sure his own abilities are always top notch.

-however, he always thinks someone else would be better suited for a task he's assigned. He's quite leadership avoidant, only doing it if he needs to.

-tends to do things alone and keeps to himself. He rarely tells people about his inner-workings and problems, as he fears his burdening them with his feelings. I feel like he would bottle most things in, or vent only through physical activity or art.

-surprisingly curt and snappy at times. He will occasionally lose his patience when he imposes his own expectations onto others. Some of his comments and words can also come accross as tactless and hurtful, even if unintentional

Nabu:

-very lax and tends to go with the flow. However, this means he sometimes lacks commitment and tends to go with whatever will make him happy at that moment. This is paired with the fact that he also tends to get caught up in his feelings and often makes impulsive decisions.

-due to his sheltered up-bringing, Nabu is quite gullible and believes very much in the innate goodness of most beings. He sometimes gets tricked or duped into doing things with the impression that what he's doing is for the greater good.

-he often sees things like morals as very black and white with little grey area. He rarely gives people he perceives as "bad" any recourse or chance at redemption.

-questionable social skills and is still trying his best to understand and apply the concept of "there is a time and space for everything, and now is not the right time."

#winx club #winx specialists #winx timmy #winx helia #winx nabu #winx headcanons #jester talks about stuff #my own opinions ofc #it was interesting talking abt nabu...i feel the other 2 are p self explanatory #i tried adding my own stuff abt timmy n helia that i didnt see others mention but most of it is p run of the mill

[hibernationsuit]

break, failure and guilt for toby? 👀

omggg thank youuu <3

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

OUGH definitely fucking up Real Bad (tm) or losing someone very close to him, and also if he's very, very stressed etc.

He isolates himself (comes from childhood's competitive environment where showing signs of feeling bad was deemed weak etc.), his sleeping problems get even worse, he barely ever eats and he tends to be somewhat "detached" from himself/situations.

If someone notices it and asks him if he's okay, it's a 99% chance for him to end up crying A Lot if the person actually gets him to talk about it :((

Klara has seen him like this a "few" times, and maybe some crew members too, once or twice.

failure: What's your OC's greatest failure? Have they been able to move past it? Does anyone else know about it?

His opinion certainly, but definitely what happened at his ex-job back on Earth sjfjfknfkf

Long story short he was a lead chemist in a R&D team, and bc of his background in research and stuff he greatly values testing everything on the computers first bc 1) they were only beginning developing their product and since one of the things used in it can have lethal side effects, he wanted to be extra careful and 2) it saves animals & people from getting hurt.

Now his boss, Samuel, is, well, not really into that. He wants quick results and lots of money. He wants things done right away. So he tells the testing team lead "we should secretly start human trials btw to speed things up" which is. um. Bad (tm).

A testing team worker, a friend of Toby, tried to tell him about what they're doing but he was either 1) drowning in work or 2) at home either suffering from migraine or sleeping. And before she could, Samuel had her quietly dealt with. She still managed to leave him a note abt it and he found out in the end. That led to him confronting the boss -> getting fired -> trying to whistleblow the whole thing -> almost getting killed.

"Now Red, where is the failure here", you may ask. Very good point! He personally sees it as his own failure, mostly for not noticing it by himself earlier (bro u were literally busy af with your work, how?), for not managing to whistleblow it quietly and peacefully, and also bc his friend got killed. Is it his failure? Judge by yourself.

Tobias hasn't been able to move past this thing and it gets really bad once they get on Gorgon :))) oh well at least going through what's on the asteroid and what also happens in my story for him during that time was somewhat therapeutic (considering he hasn't been at therapist since leaving Earth :/ unless u count Max).

As for who knows about it, I'd say Klara & everyone who has access to his personal files ehehehe

If you want actual failures though, he would've won a gold medal in an important figure skating competition BUT tripped on the last move djfkkgkggk He literally doesn't care abt it and they often joke about it with Klara.

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

omg favorite topic <3

Okay so first off I gotta say that in-game & like, on his refsheet, I've mentioned that he has the guilt-ridden flaw which is...well...100% fitting. He feels So Bad for having to use a weapon in Halcyon (even if ur life depends on it like 99,9% of the time) :)))

I think the worst one is the ministry lab though. Board was doing hibernation-related research on humans (probably in somewhat inhumane ways, bc it's the board, and also based on the test subjects) and they used dimethyl sulfoxide there, the chemical Phin sends you to find. You can either choose to only take like 27% of it or the whole canister, which would result in the test subjects dying.

Considering all the ways how many test subjects have already suffered here bc of the board scientists, and how these people could likely have the same happen to them, and how the chemical is important for the Hope colonists stuck in hibernation, he chose to take the whole canister.

Was it the right or wrong thing to do? No one knows. But he feels Very Guilty about it.

Additionally he also feels guilty for like, very small things (e.g. lying about not finding the toothpaste formula) or things he can't control (e.g. only being able to send the power either to Edgewater or Botanical Garden only). Guilt-ridden miserable little guy.

not-so-nice oc ask game

#asks #oc: tobias #sorry if some of these don't make sense i'm so tired rn JFJFKKFNGNG #syysväsymys innit #anyway. miserable guy <3 need to give him a cup of caramel coffee and a warm chocolate croissant.

[tau1tvec]

What do you recommend that’s a good base pc to build off of over time, one that’s cost effective but good enough to run ts3 and ts4 simultaneously but I can add better graphics cards and ssds later on?

I think it depends, it's hard to really recommend any specific one bc, I've only ever used one, and they don't manufacture them anymore. I also got my PC to play Fallout 4, bc my old PC crapped out, and I was over sims at the time. Considering its open world, and all the mods I would likely cram into it, I didn't wanna waste money on just anything, so I did some research on gaming PC's ( which I'd never bought until then ) and ended up getting an Acer Predator for about 1299$ at the time.

When I bought it, it had a 1060 GTX, 500GB SSD, 1TB HD and 16GB RAM, dealt with 6 years of my bs with not an issue.

Now the reason I say it depends is bc, many games can run on anything honestly, a lotta them these days want to get in as many hands as possible, so making them work well on lower end systems, esp laptops and consoles, is the best way to do that, since a lot of gamers honestly couldn't give chicken noodle soup about how great a game looks, just that it doesn't lag. However if you plan to play on high to ultra settings, with mods and cc, esp high texture cc, you're going to have to keep some things in mind.

Processor

Intel i5's are pretty powerful for the cost, but I'd recommend an i7 if you can fit the bill. Replacing it shouldn't be too difficult, so long as you find one that's compatible with your motherboard, and they tend to cost a little less, and be more readily available than GPU's for instance.

GPU

I've seen some mid-high gaming rigs run on a 1660 GTX which I hear is a pretty good card, they also run a bit cheaper than the 20 or 30 series RTX, and honestly... you don't need a 20 or 30 series RTX to play The Sims 3 or 4, it doesn't even have any built-in options to utilize a lotta the innovative features these cards have.

I played The Sims 4 on ultra on my 1060 GTX, and it ran and looked fine. Though should you decide to upgrade, understand it might be quite costly, and also a bit difficult to find considering we're still technically in a chip shortage.

Memory

16GB is pretty standard these days, anything more is for those into heavy multi-tasking, however some games are beginning to suggest 32GB.

SSD

Main drive needs to be a 500GB SSD minimum... 250 will absolutely get you nowhere with how Windows updates gobble that shit up. You'll also be storing all your saves, mods, and cc on this main drive, so honestly if you can, go for the 1TB, you won't regret it, especially since upgrading mine to a 1TB was an absolute nightmare.

You'll likely need a second drive as well, and although it's common a second drive will be a regular ol' hard drive ( HD ), which is fine, you've gotta install your Spotify app somewhere, do absolutely consider getting another 500GB or larger SSD installed later, games these days basically start at 80GB install size easy, this doesn't include updates and dlc added later, and a drive doesn't run well when it's almost full.

Brands

I've had my Acer Predator desktop for roughly 7 years now, and it's an absolute champ... my husband's Acer Predator Helios on the other hand... crapped out like two years in, he only ever played Skyrim, and only ran it on medium-high settings. So when it comes to brands it's kinda... eh, I would just try to avoid anything that's like HP or Dell... they're kinda iffy and difficult to upgrade unless you're willing to drop 2k+ on an Alienware, I hear a lotta pretty good things about Lenovo tho, and MSI, if a laptop is more your thing.

Finally, a lotta straight out the box gaming rigs are outfitted with AMD processors and cards these days, and they've come a long way over the years. They're pretty powerful now, almost equal and at times even better than their Intel or Nvidia counterparts, but can be more cost effective if price is a big concern.

#sorry this is long #lol #asks #anon

[anxietywriter]

bleeding heart character things

the kind of characters that feel a need to help anyone when they can. and they feel guilty when they can't, even if it's not their fault. they don't want anyone to worry about them and tend to spare people's feelings rather than be honest. in other words: the perfect character for angst and a tragic backstory

recieving a flower for free from a homeless person and feeling guilty because that's their source of income, they press the petals/flower to remember

not being able to watch animal shelter ads because the sad animals tug at their heartstrings

volunteering at an animal shelter and feeling guilt at not being able to do more or adopt

volunteering at a homeless shelter and feeling guilt at not being able to do more

not having certain social medias (like twitter or facebook) because they know there's a lot of discourse there that will feed their guilt

trying to ask for preferences during every event but at the same time trying not to ask too many questions so they don't annoy people

they often feel useless and helpless, which leads to them feeling like a failure

avoids saying anything negative to spare people's feelings

struggles to say no when someone wants to buy them something because the person thinks it'll "suit them" even if they know they'll likely never use/wear it bc they don't want to seem dismissive/mean

would rather shop in person on their own bc then they won't have to worry about anyone trying to pay for them

muting group chats rather than leaving entirely even if they're never on

struggles to cut people off from their life, even if they're toxic

struggling to correct unwanted/problematic behavior/wording bc they don't want to start "drama" and also bc they're afraid that they might be overreacting and lose friends

they struggle to confront people or tell people that they're unhappy because they know the other person will feel bad

even when people apologize and they think it's disingenuous, they let it slide to spare the person, give them the benefit of the doubt. they never bring it up again, even when the person's actions don't match the apology and if the apology was never really accepted in the first place

tbh struggling to communicate in general because they tend to say what people want to hear rather than what they actually want to say

hero complex

getting over the i can fix [love interest] trope bc they're understanding that it's unhealthy

understanding what is/isn't healthy for them and still struggling to correct unhealthy behavior they find in themselves because "i don't want to hurt anyone"

feeling guilt at refusing a request from any of their friends/family, even if they think the request is unreasonable/selfish/entitled

not liking recieving gifts because they feel like they have to give one back

they probably have anxiety

they love the movie encanto and probably relate to it too much and daydream on what it would be like if they could do something important like mirabel because they don't think they could do something like that

joining clubs and communities at school so they feel connected with their peers and like they're actively helping

having a list of ideas on what their school could do differently and wanting to share them but like also not wanting to unintentionally insult anyone

#writing prompts #prompt list #story prompts #am i spelling recieving right? #damn ie words #at least anxiety i can sound out

[arytha]

why do you only read chinese fiction?

I'm going to hope this isn't in bad faith and that you're actually just innocently curious. If you're not being innocent about this, I don't have to explain anything to you about what I decide to get into. Thanks 💜

Anyways, I've certainly leaned towards reading mainly Chinese fiction lately, but its not the only thing I read. (See: ORV and TCF obsession, both Korean novels) I've been reading a lot of chinese novels lately bc I like them? I mainly read on my phone, so translated novels and the like are the easiest to get into. I mainly find novels through NovelUpdates, and I tend to want to read similar things bc it keeps my brain in check. I also take recommendations from friends, which is how I found out that I like these novels in the first place. I'm also (now) comfortable enough about what I know with MTL translation errors in Chinese that I can read unfinished translations without too many issues besides using more brain power with some phrasing (and completely avoiding novels set in the palace bc mtl does not play nice with all the terms of address), which opens me to reading more novels, because if I'm reading something I prefer it to be complete because of how I read.

I grew up reading mainly English authors. In my teens I read a lot of Japanese visual/web/light novels (Fate, Umineko, Shield Hero, Death Mage, DenYuuDen, etc) and manga, but its harder for me to get into manga rn (latest was Toilet-Bound Hanako-kun). I've been wanting to read more Korean novels, but I haven't found many that I like, and I'm totally up to suggestions. I actually tried reading Worm (english webnovel) last year due to popular demand but couldn't get through it bc I wasn't in the right mindset. It is still on my list of stuff to read later tho!

I rotate through hyperfixations, and I just happen to like a lot of the tropes (Infinite Flow, I'm fascinated by Cultivation novels, etc) and novel types that Chinese novels have to offer right now. I guess I'll probably rotate out of this and off to some other obscure-or-not media type that's as weirdly niche at some point. Idk. I just need something to occupy my brain while going through my day and reading helps me with that.

#mara's shit #if ive ever said anything that seems to be like... bad its completely unintentional. i do really love these novels a lot #i would love to get into reading japanese and korean mtl (i could probably do jp but i'd need to familiarize myself with korean more) #to have more novels to read

[princessdreamie]

DBH part 17

At the cemetery

Na stood infront of the gate, starting to have doubt's. She was hesitating if she should really go further with her mission or just forget it all together. But after gaining some more confidence in herself she passed through the gate.

The place was for the most part empty. Just a few ppl were present to visit their loved ones. She approached some old lady that was tending to the yard and asked for Yv's grave. The old lady chatted with the little girl as she took her there.

The woman was pretty helpful with her information. She was apparently someone who was some what close to Yv's mom, they werent talking a lot many years ago tho. The news about her friend's daughter's death hit the whole family hard.

She just knew that she had to go through a lot of misery, especially at the end. Na got to know about Yv's husband as well. Le gave her some information about him too but Na wasnt sure if he was of any importance in her opinion.

The lady heard that the man committed suicide after his wife's death. Na felt sad hearing that but her thoughts were interrupted as they arrived at the gravestone. Yv's name was somewhat legible but the weather over the years took a number on the writings.

Na ask the woman if ppl still visit her regularly. The adult thought for a bit and answered her truthfully: „The first few years, yes. But you know how it is. Things change, visits decline but there are still a few who visit every now and then.”

That got the little girl thinking. Aunt N and her mom sometimes go away once or twice a year but they would come back after 2 hours or so. She used to ask where they went but both of them avoided her quarries until she stopped entirely. „Come to think of it”, Na realized „They usually go out roughly the same date. If they had more work to do they would either go a few days earlier or later. Maybe their reason for going out on that date was to visit Yv's grave?”

Her mind was turning and only came to a hold when the lady excused herself to go back to her duties. Na thanked her and stayed for a couple more minutes. She didnt want to leave immediately not to raise suspicion but mainly to pay respects to her mom's late friend she never came to know.

A bus ride and short walk later

Na was about to enter the house, as suddenly the door flew open, seeing an anger K towering over the little girl. Na was very certain that she was in big trouble.

And she was right. K angrily berated his daugher of going out w/o their permission. Or not giving them any kind of way to find her. J was mad at her as well but she hardly said anything. Na was aware that she was supposed to inform them but she wanted the reason to herself in the moment.

The day passes and the Stanton's were invited for a family dinner at Fl's house. While his sons and their wives were acting normal, Na noticed something was not right. N was uncharacteristically quiet and Br was just hanging on her phone. Which wouldnt be unusal for her cousin but this time the teenager was very cold looking.

Na's parents acted like their usual self's but she knew that these 2 were still angry at her for leaving unannounced. At the end of the main course, N had an announcement to make.

N asked for the kids attention. Especially from her own daughter. Na was confused what she was doing but she didnt need to wait for too long.

N started by saying that the last couple of months have been chaotic and that things have strained their relationship.

The younger kids (Na and Ke) were not sure where she was going with this but the teenagers werent as interested as N would have liked. Thats were she finally told them the story about Yv and her kidnapping.

|dont feel like recapping bc some might know already and if not just know that i skipped at least 80% of her story bc the Yv arc went on for way too long.|

After finishing the story and revealing how it ended for Yv's husband, it went quiet. Br was shocked to say the least. She knew that her aunt Yv had an accident but he ad no clue how it actually went down. And now it made sense why she never saw her husband after that day at the ski resort. Lv wasnt as close to Yv as the others really, but he really felt bad for the unfortunate couple. Ke sat there as if he was not sure what he was supposed to do with that information.

But Na? Na was furious. Most of the things she already knew from Le's findings but those didnt mention anything about the hospice visit, or the earrings or any other instances they could have helped her. And she called out the whole tabel: „You call yourself her friends but she was not imoprtant enough for you to get her out?? You could have just let uncle Ct find her and see how to rescuse her from her ex. Or even better, HAVE HER TAKEN STRAIGHT FROM THE HOSPICE AND DEAL WITH HIM AFTER THAT!!!!”

The whole room was in shock at her outburst. Fl was about to order his granddaughter to behave but he didnt get a word in as the little girl jumped up from her chair, slamming the table glaring at Gr: „And as for her not being family. Have you ever considered that not every person has to be blood to be be one?”

She glared around the table: „Mom and Aunt N were Clearly worried about her. But all she got from you all was one visit and some useless earrings she never even used in the end?! You call yourself her friends but all i see are victim blaming, selfish, ENTITLED FAKES!!” Her voice raised with ever word when stating the last part.

N stood up, arguing with her that it was not true while at the same time trying to justify her actions. But that only made the girl more infuriated.

„Dont try making it about you, Aunt N. I know that you are nothing but a Self-centered woman, not caring at all for ppl that Actually need desperate help. You are not better than the ppl that took your friend-, No, sister from you. Her blood is on your hands. And thats a fact.” Her last 2 sentences shook them to their core.

With that the girl ran out of the dining room, J & K followed suit, calling out to her.

The table was silent for a long time. It was only when Lv spoke up first: „Wow. I cant really say i am shocked but my little cousins is right. You guys practically Abandoned her.”

Gr slapped his son at the back of his head pretty hard for his remark.

After some looking, k & j found their kid ouside in the garden under a tree. Crying her eyes out. Na didnt know why she was so upset. She never met the woman and only knew about her bc of their stupid fight on that day.

But she still found it so unfair. She didnt see any morality in their actions. Just self serving protections.

K wanted to hug her but the girl just shoved him away. Screaming at their hypocritical behavior. She once thought that the Stanton family was about standing up for others and take on leadership. But that was obviously a lie. She saw the signs, the big red flags but she tried to see beyond that. That night her trust in her family, especially N & Ct, was broken. She didnt blame Lv since he also was not aware of the truth. Or Ke, The boy obviously had no part in this what so ever. But the grown ups had no right to be idolized as they have been over the years.

After she calmed down more, J apologize for not telling her sooner but she wanted to leave the past behind and make the best of what she had now. After some time Na left with her parents, even tho she was asked to say sorry to the others for her outburst. But she refused to do so, only wishing to leave the place and to sleep in her bed.

#alternative ending #altenative #better ending #billionaire heiress #chance #dbh #divorced billionaire heiress #eric #eric ferguson #nicole stanton #nicole

[shepherds-of-haven]

Hi Lena!! Happy April! I also binged s2 (and while I have my Thoughts, it still fulfilled my lil regency meter) and now I want to know... Shepherds as regancy tropes? Or the context of the show even? (Shery as a Whistledown could you imagine? Using that persona as a way to connect with another woman too bc haha im GAY) and also how do we tame a rake like Chase? (you already know i'm seeing him related to Lavinet and Prihine bc i CANT unsee it and also just made myself miserable seeing them as kate and edwina 😅😅😅)

Hi Renè, happy April to you as well!!! 🌷 Yes, I definitely had my thoughts on season 2 as well, but they also fed us well with tropes I guiltily love, so I got my fill regardless gfldjgdflg 😩 And ooh, I love this question! I’m just going to go with a loose Bridgerton AU if that sounds good! Except instead of being biological, alphabetically-named siblings, a lot of the “orphan” characters were adopted by the... S-Shepherd...ton... family... ...

Let’s just go with it!

In our imagining, the heirs and order of succession in the Shepherdton family (lmao) aren’t determined by age, since most of the characters are grouped closely together in age and are only separated by a matter of days/weeks/months, but by order of adoption. Also, there’s a Queen (probably just a somewhat nicer version of the Autarch) and probably war brewing on the horizon, but it’s a fringe concern for most people of the ton for now, but it partially explains why everyone is so ravenous for Whistledown gossip: it distracts from the troubles brewing in the distant future!

So it goes:

Shepherdton family: one of the oldest and most prestigious families of the ton. Their rank equates that of a Marquis, and the Autarch looks upon them with favor. As a result, the social season is always rife with scheming mamas who want to marry their heirs into the Shepherdton family, though all Shepherdton scions have remained stubbornly unattached and single. 

Blade: the first Shepherdton son. He takes his duties and responsibilities as “firstborn” extremely seriously and is known to his siblings for being extremely strict and no-nonsense, which makes them tease and irritate him all the more. While he takes matters of propriety, honor, and upholding social protocols and manners very seriously in order to preserve the family reputation, he still comes off as curt, intimidating, and a man of few words to people outside of his family. In short, he knows the proper protocols and has memorized them, so one could never say he was impolite or discourteous, but his gestures usually lack warmth and come off as stiff or obligatory. While aware that he will someday have to marry as part of his duties as firstborn son, he’s so far successfully avoided any form of social intimacy outside of friendship and will usually decline to dance with anyone at balls for fear of leading them on in regard to his intentions. He is a talented fencer and tactician and is being eyed by the Autarch for future military service as a high-ranking officer if he doesn’t have the excuse of marrying and starting a family soon, putting him in a precarious and stressful position.

Trouble: the second Shepherdton son. The rebel of the family. An enthusiastic horseman and talented boxer, he tends to be the apple of many a hopeful suitor’s eye during the social season, lacking the brooding intimidation of Blade and the rakish, scandalous reputation of Chase. He is perfectly at ease in company, brave, honest, kind-hearted, generous, and handsome, able to win the trust of friends and the hearts of admirers with a mere smile and a handshake... but he remains completely oblivious to his effect on others and has no idea that he’s sought-after amidst the ton. While a little unconventional or even sloppy in his mannerisms (loosening his tie at balls, rolling up his shirtsleeves, smoking on the balcony), his general likable demeanor earns enough goodwill that most people tolerate this behavior or even find it charmingly endearing. However, his eccentricities and careless attitude about the social machinations of the ton have a darker side: Blade and Tallys are constantly chasing after him and covering up evidence of his gambling, drinking, and brawling habits during the secret hours of the night. He tends to hang out in rougher social clubs, in the company of boxers and streetfighters, and generally consorts with the blue-collar working class far too much for an heir of his status. It’s only a matter of time before Lady Whistledown exposes this information and sends the Shepherdton family into a tailspin of scandal, leading to him and Blade butting heads time and time again. 

Chase: the third Shepherdton son. A rake with a capital R. While Trouble has his rough-housing habits, Chase is an incorrigible skirtchaser, artist, and libertine. Under the guise of attending “art school” and attending “artist” parties, he can usually be found in bohemian clubs (often regarded as hotbeds of sin) or luxury gambling clubs, rubbing elbows and making friends with liberal-minded hedonists who advocate for free love, physical pleasure, and everything in between. While by far the most charming, charismatic, and socially-perceptive Shepherdton, his reputation as a rake ensures that no mama will ever encourage a match with Chase--though he’s never outright ostracized and usually gets to flatter them a little anyway. Regardless, nothing stops him from being able to talk himself into closets, gazebos, or even beds with willing partners during parties and balls. After catching a con artist named Kato at a gambling den and preventing him from making off with his friends’ money, Chase is beginning to learn the addictive thrills of running cons, picking pockets, and pulling the wool over ignorant nobles’ eyes, but so far has only flirted with the danger. He is contemplating helping Kato with a scheme where he (Chase) paints fraudulent art pieces and replaces the real ones with his perfect replicas, without anyone ever knowing, starting with the households of the people he likes the least among high society. His sister Tallys theorizes that Chase’s destructive behavior began after an ill-fated romance with an opera singer named Saya broke his heart, and he’s been numbing himself from the pain ever since. 

Tallys: the only Shepherdton daughter, and the fourth scion to be adopted. While she is grateful to have been placed with such a wealthy and privileged family, she secretly feels isolated from her more humble childhood roots, her culture, and her sensibilities, and she dislikes the frivolous concerns of the social season and the nobility. Incisive, witty, and clear-eyed, Tallys longs for freedom and independence, always striving to find privacy from the prying eyes of the ton. She deliberately makes herself as prickly and unsociable as she can without seeming uncivil so that people will leave her alone. She is happiest when taking long rides or walks in the countryside, despite the impropriety of traveling around without a chaperone, and resents the idea that women don’t share equal rights or freedom with men, often fearlessly voicing these objections at unsuitable or awkward times. While she usually dutifully helps Blade wrangle their two unruly brothers into line, she has begun secretly attending women’s rights assemblies under the influence of an apothecary she often converses with--another secret that would damage the family’s reputation if Lady Whistledown knew about it. She is good friends with Shery Acquell, their childhood friend and neighbor. 

Caine: the youngest Shepherdton heir. At 12, he is not yet out in society and is largely shielded from the dramas and turbulences of the social season, instead being left to happily play with his dog and his friends.

Acquell family: a more modest family with mercantile origins, they gained land and became a titled family as part of an initiative by the Autarch to expand the gentry. As a result of their “newness” as well as the timid wallflower demeanor of their only daughter, they are often overlooked or given the cut by more established families. The Acquell parents are often scheming to elevate their social status and wealth, despite the protests of their quiet daughter, who would be content not to draw attention to herself. 

Shery: a neighbor of the Shepherdtons, she’s often thought as “invisible” due to her shyness and her lack of skill in the areas of socializing, dance, or athleticism. Initially a good friend of the more determined Tallys, she comes off as absent-minded, dreamy, and more concerned with her tea and romance books than she is about finding herself a love match or bemoaning her position in life. However, she is secretly the writer of the Lady Whistledown scandal sheet, using her wallflower status to seamlessly eavesdrop and report on various gossip around the ton. While this pursuit starts off as a way to assert herself and her opinions and gain control over her own life, especially with her overbearing parents, the endeavor begins to spiral out of control. Shery becomes engrossed in a friendship (and budding crush) on the headstrong Prihine Naveen, a newcomer staying with her cousins who becomes determined to unmask Lady Whistledown as a way to prove herself and gain social clout among the ton. She recruits Shery to her cause without putting together that Shery herself is the gossip writer, and the hunt for the elusive Whistledown brings them closer together. 

Naveen family: an extremely established family equating to the rank of Duke, the Naveens are second only to the Shepherdtons in terms of prestige--and outstrip them in terms of wealth. Unlike the Shepherdtons, the Naveens flawlessly set the standard in the ton in all ways, including fashion, trends, hobbies, social events, and love matches. Everyone aspires to be like the Naveens, but despite their power and status, they are generally amicable and pleasant to all.

Lavinet: the eldest Naveen scion, she is considered an icon among the nobility and is a favorite of the Queen’s. Ambitious, perceptive, sleek, and well-bred, Lavinet sports impeccable manners, sharp intellect, diverse talents, and a polished cunning when it comes to playing the social game of the aristocracy. Despite receiving dozens of proposals every “bargaining season,” she has remained the ton’s most elusive debutante. Rumor has it that she refuses to settle for anyone less than the Crown Prince, the eldest son of the Autarch, and that she has ambitions to become the Autarch’s advisor later in her career. Before the appearance of Lady Whistledown, she was always the first person to go to when it came to hearing about the latest gossip, scandals, or events happening around the ton, and she was always prevailed upon to use her social standing to engineer matches, parties, reconciliations, and sometimes even the downfalls of rivals. After Lady Whistledown’s appearance, Lavinet finds her position of power and authority being threatened, and her resulting annoyance becomes a growing bone of contention between herself and the anonymous gossip columnist, who seems to enjoy hassling her. She has two other sisters, both well-meaning but a bit silly, and her closest confidantes include Lady Clara and her betrothed, Lord Pendric.

Prihine: a cousin of the Naveens hailing from a minor branch of the family from the countryside, she’s sent to London to make her official debut during the social season and find a love match. However, her brash, blunt, and sometimes spoiled attitude as well as her country origins highlight her as an outcast, and despite her cousin’s best efforts, Prihine fails to be named diamond of the season by the Queen. Embittered and slighted, she hovers on the outskirts of the proceedings for quite a while before deciding that uncovering the identity of Lady Whistledown will be her ticket to gaining the recognition and admiration that she deserves. She outwardly comes off as jealous and angry about her cousin, exaggerating the ways that Lavinet neglects her as a way of acting sullen and being dramatic. She makes a new friend in Shery Acquell, one of the few people meek enough to go along with Prihine’s bullying demands, and a genuine friendship develops between them. However, a misunderstanding develops when Shery (as Lady Whistledown) increases her campaign against Lavinet as a way of helping Prihine gain the upper hand over her cousin. This ramps up into an irrevocable scandal that severely damages Lavinet’s reputation, and Prihine, upset by her cousin’s struggles, swears revenge on Lady Whistledown. When Shery notes that Lady Whistledown may have only been trying to help Prihine, who seemed to truly hate her cousin, the ensuing argument causes Prihine to realize that Lady Whistledown has been Shery all along.  

Syndran family: a mercantile family who became part of the titled gentry alongside the Acquells, the Syndrans are ruthless industrialists who have made their fortunes in the Americas, becoming wealthier than almost all of the families in the ton. Despite their vast wealth, however, many dislike the parents for their obvious ruthless and cutthroat ways, while reluctantly associating with them because they find their money and connections useful. 

Riel: the only scion of the Syndran family, Riel is just as cunning and ruthless as his parents, and even more determined to make the nobility bow down and acknowledge his family’s superiority. He despises pleasantries and meaningless gossip, finding them to be a waste of time, and typically avoids balls and dances in favor of keeping to his rooms to delve into books, paperwork, or business contracts. He makes an appearance now and then at the opera and at exclusive social clubs, where other young nobles will approach him with investment opportunities and business proposals. Other than that, he is aggressively reclusive and has no interest in finding a love match, preferring to make his mark through his deeds rather than through marriage. He discerns the true identity of Lady Whistledown almost instantly, but cares so little about the social games of the season that he doesn’t bother divulging this knowledge to anyone. Shery eventually approaches him for help in repairing the situation with the Naveens. 

Prince family: another prestigious and celebrated family holding the rank of Duke. They are distantly related to the royal family and are also distant cousins to the Shepherdtons.

Halek: the firstborn son. As firstborn heir, he has a duty to marry and carry on the family name and bloodline, and has been engaged in a betrothal with a wealthy young lady since he was a teenager. However, he greatly resents this arrangement; but because an engagement cannot be broken by him without ruining the reputation of the young lady involved, he has decided to seem so unpleasant and irredeemable that she will decide to break the engagement off herself, simultaneously freeing him and letting her escape with her reputation unscathed. So far, this plan has not worked, and his fiancee remains doggedly attached to him, despite his best efforts. He generally sleeps around, partakes in various drugs, attends as many scandalous and libertine meetings as he can, and generally attempts to wreak havoc to make him seem as unappealing of a match as possible. He has the odd penchant for falling asleep in random places during parties and is an unrepentant dawdler, preferring to lounge in the sun and get day-drunk at picnics than to keep up appearances. However, his family and fiancee continue to look the other way in order to preserve order, harmony, and their family reputation. He secretly harbors desires to open up his own social club and bar. He and Blade are particularly close friends, both due to their statuses as cousins as well as their shared positions as firstborn sons. He sometimes slyly sets up situations where Blade or Naolin are left to escort his fiancee while he disappears in the hopes that she’ll find them to be a more desirable match, to no avail.  

Naolin: the secondborn son, and Halek’s twin. Dutiful, courteous, and the picture of the perfect gentleman, he is an extremely popular bachelor (especially among the mamas), but according to an ancient family tradition, cannot be married before the scion of the household, Halek. He enjoys hunting, riding, and raising carrier pigeons. He is constantly exasperated by his brother’s antics and is used to running damage control for their family.  

Antiqua family: a middle-ranking family with the title of Lord, the Antiquas are generally known as warm and genial people who would prefer to read their books than host grand parties. They are an extremely tight-knit family who are generally seen everywhere together. Despite their lukewarm interest in social events, they are generally well-liked and never thought to be scandalous or ill-reputed people--they are simply known and accepted to be academic-minded. 

Red: the youngest and only son of five, he is a cheerful, genial young man with impeccable manners, a talent for emotional perception, and a sincere warmth to his demeanor. He is talented at many things, from athletics to music to ancient languages, and is generally considered a charmer, a favorite of mamas and potential suitors alike. However, he is extremely focused on his university studies and is rarely interested in discussing the gossip of the social season, preferring instead to talk about his various travels or learn about diverse subjects from other intellectuals. He has a bad habit of flattering people so thoughtlessly and politely that many become convinced that a marriage proposal is impending, only for him to remain utterly clueless. Although an excellent dancer, he sometimes wanders off during parties to examine the local flora or to observe the stars. He is a good friend of Riel and Shery’s and initially encourages her to pursue Prihine. His academic nature and interest in writing leads Prihine to begin to suspect that he is Lady Whistledown, causing Shery to publish a false rumor that Red’s father bribed his way into his prestigious university in order to absolve him. This launches Red into an identity crisis, even though no one else really cares about the rumor. Riel finally snaps him out of it, and they go into business together at the end of the season. 

Stormbreaker family: a pair of sisters from a faraway land, they are both the adopted children of noble parents who absconded from London many years ago due to the disapproval surrounding their engagement. After the death of their adopted parents, the sisters have arrived back in the city in order to reclaim their lost family fortune. However, raised in another culture entirely, they find the social season utterly perplexing and are completely alien to the ways of the nobility. Raised in a country where women shoot, ride, smoke, drink, and fight regularly, without knowing how to dance or even curtsy, the two sisters are regarded as curiosities and spectacles among the ton.

Ayla: the older sister, she is considered something of a spinster as well as a fearsome guardian, as she is quite fierce and overprotective of her younger sister. Having had to work various jobs in order to ensure their survival, she is hardened, blunt, and impatient with the social niceties of the ton, refusing to wear their dresses or dance with their aristocrats to avoid being made a fool. She has no issue with swearing, spitting, or even threatening to fight people who look at her the wrong way, and no bachelor or bachelorette has met her exacting standards for her sister so far. She has no interest in finding a match for herself and only wants to claim the family inheritance, marry Briony off so that she’s provided for, and depart back for their homeland, where she can live a life of independence and freedom. Incredibly, her rough demeanor has charmed a few rather than offended them, making the pair of sisters an object of fascination rather than scorn... for now. 

Briony: the younger sister, she feels the weight of having to find a love match in a foreign country far more acutely than her sister does, becoming extremely self-conscious about their obvious lack of knowledge, manners, or fashionable clothes. By her own request, she is quickly taken under Lavinet’s wing, another reason for Prihine’s resentment--because, under Lavinet’s tutelage and with Briony’s bright and winsome personality, she quickly delights the Queen and is named the new diamond of the season. Despite her bubbly demeanor and willingness to adopt the culture and habits of the ton, however, she is just as strong and capable of a fighter as her sister, having trained under the same masters. Their skills with a rifle, riding, and hand-to-hand combat have made the sisters objects of both fear and desire across the town. However, a secret about their heritage and background is eventually discovered by Lady Whistledown, shaking the very foundation of their new home. 

#Shepherds of Haven #Bridgerton #Bridgerton AU #AU #all characters #sorry Red I shat on you a little but lovingly #it's not Bridgerton without someone having a crisis about something that doesn't matter all that much lol #long #long post #also why did i make shery crushing on prihine a thing? #for the whistledown drama! #in the long run they would not be suited to each other AT ALL and it's just an innocent infatuation but it leads to BETRAYAL and FALLOUT #really renè put it into my head

[yesimwriting]

Hello! Your Nikolai fic tranquility is so beautiful! Can you write more for Nikolai? Maybe the opposite with reader having a nightmare? Or whatever you want just please give me more! If you have a tagging list I'd love to be included btw :)

A/n hii!! first off,, thank you! i was a little nervous about writing him for the first time,, but i love him so much (even though i love a good villain/morally grey character in love i think nikolai would probably make the least toxic bf in the grishaverse lol)

you gave me a little too much freedom here lol bc i have so many ideas for him!! lowkey might need to give him a longer fic/series soon when i catch up with requests!! WOW THIS FIC IS SO LONG AND FOR WHAT

Summary: Reader is a handmaid who has grown up assisting Nikolai. Through the years, the two have developed a special relationship that most definitely breaks royal protocol--they’re best friends and rivals on a good day, and dangerously close to being something more the second either of them is remotely upset or extremely happy. Learning about the fact that Nikolai was almost engaged to Alina (a good friend of yours) and being reminded of the fact that as royalty Nikolai has many prospects (both serious women worthy of his title and women only suitable for trysts meant to relieve tension) has you both realizing something you should have years ago.

Word count: 31210

Warnings: disclaimer--may not be the most cannon thing ever,, but i wanted the ‘child of the help competes and falls in love with the child of royalty’ energy okay?? Lol

I could do a whole blurb series with this dynamic nikolai x reader,, like just stories of them growing up together and randomly realizing they might like each other romantically?? I probably shouldn’t rn but i ADORE this trope.

--

The perfection of the room is disappointing. Idle hands, idle thoughts--so I work to smooth out a perfect duvet. Still, the thoughts come--aggressive and unavoidable. It’s silly, maybe even sad, to feel possessive over something that’s never been yours, something that could never be yours, but the harder I fight off the feeling the stronger it grows. Jealousy is a weed growing quickly in my chest, vile roots planted firmly in my heart.

Normally my favorite part of the day would be waiting for Nikolai to return to his room in the palace after dinner and his evening duties. He’s always a bit softer in the evenings, during my last check-in of the day. I’m normally thrilled to be done organizing his room early because that means the second he arrives there will be no distraction. Most evenings, he’ll find me perched in the seat by his bed, reading. He’ll mock-scold me for daring to defy his orders and reading ahead from the book we both take turns reading aloud from each night. He then warns me that I better react exactly the way I did when I first read it or else. That threat is always followed by a gentle laugh.

Tonight I’m in no mood for our nightly banter or even our nightly reading. My mother had warned me of the dangers of getting too comfortable with the royal family. I should have heeded that warning when she first gave it to me, the morning she found Nikolai and I fast asleep on a couch in the library as children. The palace likes to bring up the children of the staff by training them to attend to the next generation of royals. It makes the staff more efficient, a lifetime of knowing what someone wants makes you better for them. It also creates some level of connection, making betrayal a little less likely. Nikolai and I might have taken it farther than most. But now I want a reminder of the way we’re supposed to be--maybe if I detach now the bleeding of my heart won’t kill me. That has to remain secret, because if I explain it to Nikolai something in me will break. The one line between us will be crossed.

This will be the sixth secret I’ve kept from Nikolai in my entire life.

--

The secrets:

I don’t know why I was picked for Nikolai. I wasn’t particularly skilled, but still, the day came when my mother was told that I now worked directly for the Lantsov boy. It’s an honor, a true one, but my mother had been a little nervous. To whom much is given, much is expected--and I detested Nikolai. Not for being a prince, but for being a prince who thought girls couldn’t race or fight.

The day my mother came looking for me because I never showed up for dinner and she found Nikolai and I attempting to fight in the way only a ten-year-old girl and eleven-year-old boy would, she had looked truly mortified. Nikolai had only laughed, either oblivious to my mother’s embarrassment or uncaring about it. He had then hugged me--an expression of care that had left me reeling. I saw him more as a rival than someone to tend to, but in that moment I saw him as a friend. Even more so when he told me he didn’t want me to go yet and that he was upset that so much of the day had been wasted by studies that kept him with boring people and away from me. And then he invited me to his lessons--my mother was quick to attempt to decline politely, but the desires of a prince at any age outweigh that of a mother.

After that, everyone kind of just stopped trying to remind us of our propriety. The tutor at first was concerned about my presence, but Nikolai remained stubborn. I wasn’t a big enough deal to cause an argument, so I began to attend lessons with him almost every day, only staying away when my mother needed aid with laundry or cleaning. His parents must have been somewhat aware of our friendship, but they must have been oblivious to our closeness because it was never mentioned.

My mother’s worry began to ease, she’d even started to take some pride when I’d come to our room proudly proclaiming that I scored two marks higher than Nikolai. She did, however, warn that it might be more tactful to let him score higher.

The comment was casual, just a suggestion, but it left me feeling wrong. It was the first time since we met that I had thought about our different statuses. I didn’t tell him--and that was the first secret I ever kept from him.

As we grew, we traded physical competition for academic rivalry, trying to best each other in both lessons and games of strategy like chess and cards. But with growing comes responsibility. Nikolai started to have obligations that were meant to be private. I couldn’t follow him at all times. But he’d always come back from locked door meetings grinning like he carried schoolyard gossip instead of government secrets. He shared everything with me, even when I playfully warned against it.

He’d always step closer when I teased that perhaps he shouldn’t tell me everything. And then he’d say, “If I can’t trust you, then I can’t trust anyone--and I don’t want to live in a world like that.” Often, he’d give my hand a light squeeze before moving on like he had not said anything intimate.

On a day in which Nikolai was in one of those meetings, I became a woman. When I first saw the blood, I had been horrified--but my mother was quick to explain that it was natural. She said that I was now a woman, a wonderful thing, really--but a thing that came with obligations. She told me that I could no longer have the impromptu ‘sleepovers’ with Nikolai unless he ordered it. I told her he’s never ordered me to do anything for him.

She didn’t ease, something in her had started to become nervous again. My mother had recently started to act the way she did when Nikolai and I first became friends. I didn’t want to fall asleep in Nikolai’s bed while I was bleeding, but I didn’t want to never have another sleepover with him again. Especially not when she refused to explain why being a woman changed so much.

I had decided to avoid Nikolai as much as possible until the sting of my mother’s new rule faded. Unfortunately, that night Nikolai was extra talkative--excited as he insisted I stay for a little longer. Soon, I found his familiar good naturedness melting away my nerves and before I knew it I was laughing in the middle of the night. When my eyelids started to feel heavy, I had moved from the chair, ready to head back to my room.

Nikolai had looked at me oddly before he asked why would I leave so late when it would be easier for me to just sleepover? It was an innocent question, he did not know about my change and I had wanted to keep it that way.

I tried playing coy, but Nikolai has always had a talent for getting around my better judgement. I don’t recall exactly how it happened, but I remember him standing in front of me. It was the first time I noticed how much had actually changed over the years--he was now taller than me for the first time in his life. His hair had started to grow a little longer, golden and soft-looking--and his face seemed much more angular. But he had not lost his boyish charm.

“Y/n?” My name fell softly from his lips, and that was the first time I had ever noted the fullness of them. I didn’t understand why I considered that something worth noting. “Did I do something to make you mad at me?”

Perhaps I had been a little curt--nerves and hormones had left me not feeling like myself. I didn’t tell him about the bleeding, I couldn’t. That became the second secret I kept from him--but I did tell him that my mother had told me I was a woman now, and that women can’t have sleepovers. Not with those of the opposite gender. I made no effort to hide my confusion because I expected him to be as perplexed as I was. But he was not confused--in fact, he had the audacity to laugh. My face flushed, but I did not know why.

“Why is that funny?” Maybe he thought I was still too much of a child to be considered a woman. I assumed it a fair assumption, I had not grown the way he had--my shoulders had not become sturdier and I had not become particularly broader. Still, I would rather melt into the floor than tell him about the reason my mother now considered me a woman. “My mother did say that, and I don’t know what being a ‘woman’ has to do with staying in your room at night.” Something strange had crossed over his features then, something much more brooding than I was used to.

I had blinked at him as unexplained nerves pooled in my stomach. Perhaps that look would have been enough to keep me silent if he had managed to not grin. That self-assured grin that had always challenged me. “Well since you know everything about my mother now, maybe you can tell me why she’s been acting strange. She’s starting to act the way she did when we first became friends.” I expected him to at least pretend to be worried. Perhaps his parents had spoken to her and had mentioned wanting our friendship to end. But his grin had only grown. Pride left me angry. “She did say that I could stay if you ordered it--but I’m glad you’ve never ordered me to do anything, so I can leave right now because you’re acting as odd as her. I don’t understand what you could find funny about our friendship ending.”

He had stopped me from storming out of his room by placing one hand on the wall between me and the door. “Y/n, don’t be cross--I’ll explain it all, I promise.” Angry pride made me want to storm away from him, but curiosity and something unknown and warm kept me in place. “Do you remember when we read the play about the rival families, how the two main characters had kissed?”

I remembered that part of the play especially well. The concept of kissing so casually, outside of marriage, had been jarring to me. “Yes.”

“Now that we’re older, your mother must be worried that we might do that.” He paused before leaning against the arm he placed on the wall to keep me from leaving a little more. “Kiss.”

The clarification was not needed--in that brief pause, I had allowed myself to imagine no distance between our lips. Something in me burned with embarrassment when I realized that some part of me found the thought appealing. The only thing I wanted in that moment was assurance that Nikolai would never know I felt that. That was my third secret, and the weight of it was heavy against my chest.

Still, though, all of my confusion had not yet left. “Is there much harm in a kiss?”

The question had left an odd smile on his lips. “There’s potential harm in what it could lead to for the woman, but not so much for the man.” He exhaled slowly as my face tensed. He could always read me too well because he was quick to add, “What it could lead to isn’t a bad thing, it’s meant to be pleasurable, but it’s serious.” I did not understand, but a part of me was starting to grow okay with that. Nikolai’s voice had started to become lower than ever, and his gaze remained tense. Perhaps if I accepted the confusion for now, things could go back to normal. If the conversation ended, I could stop thinking of his lips and his hands and what it would mean for them to touch me. “It’s considered a vice, like drinking or gambling.” The additional comment helped more than it should have. A vice--not scary and not painful, but not something to indulge in. That’s enough explanation for now. “If you want to know, I won’t deny you.”

I appreciated the offer tremendously. The vice that comes after kissing is clearly something that’s been intentionally kept from me. It’s something he was privy to that I was not, and he offered it to me like so much else. But if knowledge that my mother feared us kissing made me think of his lips, then I doubted I could handle knowing what comes after kissing.

“I’ll let you know when I want to know, but I appreciate the offer.” It felt like a fair response. His snarky grin came back immediately. Irritation rooted itself in my stomach. I hated not knowing more than him for once, but I still had one question I could not relinquish. “But what does that vice have to do with orders?”

At that, his smugness faltered. “It’s not unheard of, for princes and handmaids--for a prince to obligate a handmaid in order to fulfill his vice. Though many handmaids fill the vice of their own will for benefits.

The explanation left him like a confession. I didn’t understand his hesitance--it’s not like he’d ever make me do anything I didn’t want to do. Even when I worked, he was hesitant to ask me to go out of my way to bring him a glass of water. And I couldn’t imagine gaining anything from offering Nikolai something I didn’t really understand. I wasn’t naive to the fact that my life had more privileges than many palace servants. “Oh.”

His eyes hardened. “You know I’d never--”

“I know.” It was finally easy to smile again. “I never thought otherwise.” Something in him seemed to ease at that, his eyes went from hard to warm in less than a second.

I had no more questions for him and I was also no longer a flight risk, but Nikolai did not move. He did not step back to create a more appropriate distance and he did not drop his arm. His gaze, however, did move--dropping downwards, and slightly away from my eyes. I did the same, my eyes falling to his lips.

The silence between us began to make me feel like something in me was in danger of overflowing. “Then I guess my mother is once again worrying for no reason.” Strangely, I did not feel the need to feel embarrassed about staring at his lips. “Because I would never particularly want to kiss you, Nikolai Lantsov.”

The comment was meant to be teasing, a joke to clear away unknown tension. I should have known better than to challenge his pride because he instinctually moved his hand off the wall and beneath my chin. I did not flinch when he tilted my head upwards slightly with his fingers. “I could get you to want to kiss me if I wanted to.”

Three secrets in one night. I did not think I could bear a fourth one. “Hm…” The ground we treaded on felt unstable, but something in me trusted Nikolai to not let me falter. “I should--I should go before I give my mother anymore cause to worry.”

His fingers had brushed down my chin easily as he dropped his hand. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

And that he did. The days passed without mention of the last time he asked me to sleepover. It was as if nothing had changed except now I found myself noting things I most definitely did not want to note. These didn’t feel like individual secrets because it felt easy to group each admirational thought into one secret. Soon, that became my new normal--easy banter, easy touches of hands, and easy yet silent admirations of his beauty.

I never wandered too hard about what the vice that kissing can lead to entailed. I didn't particularly want to know, but knowing that I could ask Nikolai at any time brought a sense of security to me. But besides that, I never thought of that conversation until the day I was asked to look for Nikolai because he was late for dinner.

That in itself was odd, most of the time when Nikolai was late it was because he was with you. I checked his room, two other rooms he was known to frequent, and then finally the library. First, I noticed a handmaid two years older than me. I was finally at an age when one begins to compare their beauty to those around them, and I recognized the girl as gorgeous. She was better endowed than me, physically, and she always seemed fun. And then I noticed Nikolai, standing closer to her than I’ve ever seen him stand to anyone. His expression was serious as the girl giggled.

Nikolai’s expression shifted from tense to shocked when he saw me. “Y/n.”

It took me a moment longer than it should have to realize what I had interrupted. Guilt and jealousy were quick to twist in my stomach. “Dinner--your parents sent me to look for you.”

He was quick to walk around the girl, who was quick to glare at me. I attempted to disappear down the hall after mumbling a quick apology, but Nikolai was faster than me.

“Y/n,” he did not hesitate to grab my wrist.

It shouldn’t have irked me the way it did, after all, neither of us had ever really hesitated to touch each other. I had always reached for him when I wanted him, and he had done the same. But the thought of the same hands that touched the most beautiful girl I had ever seen on me left me bitter in a way I didn’t understand.

Still, I pushed through all of that. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt anything, your mother asked me to look for you because she assumed you’d be with me when you were late to dinner. I didn’t think that there’d be--”

“You didn’t interrupt anything.” The words came out flat as his eyes took on the same quality they did the night he explained my mother’s concern to me. “Valaria wishes there was something to interrupt, but there wasn’t.”

Oh. I refused to let the correction inflate me. “Would you like me to not come to your room tonight?”

The offer felt awkward to make. “No,” the answer came quickly, “In fact, go there now--I want to see you right after dinner. I’ve missed you today.” The instruction left my face feeling warm. “We could read an extra chapter of our book if you’d like.”

Despite myself, I grinned. “Yes.”

“Looking forward to it.”

True to his word, Nikolai was quick to return to his room. He had come back to me eagerly, going out of his way to squeeze my shoulder as he entered the room.

I opened the book to the chapter we had left off on, but before I could start reading, Nikolai stopped me. “Sit next to me?”

The question came softly. It had been some time since we sat next to each other on his bed. Still, I moved off of the chair and to his bed. Something in me longed for the familiar closeness of childhood. I allowed him to play with my fingers as I read.

“You know you could take one night off from me if you wanted to.” The admission left me softly, part of unsure if he was still paying attention to my words. “She was pretty, it wouldn’t have hurt my feelings if you told me you wanted me to not come tonight.”

Nikolai exhaled easily, squeezing my fingers once. “I said I wanted to see you and I meant it.”

It took all of my energy to push past the way his words made my stomach leap. “In general, if you ever--”

Nikolai cut me off by laying his head on my lap the way he used to. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore.” It was the first time in years that he spoke to me in a way that acknowledged his authority. “Keep reading please.”

And that was the last time we had ever mentioned other handmaids in that context. The fifth secret I ever kept from him was the way I worried that one day that would change.

--

The door creaks open while I’m in the middle of fluffing an already pristine pillow. Nikolai steps into the room, but I continue to work.

“Darling,” he breathes too easily, “Today has been painful.” I straighten, looking at him as casually as I can manage. “And now I have to deal with you being mad at me.”

Damn him and his ability to read me with one look. “I’m not mad.”

“You know you can’t lie to me,” he sighs, stepping forward, “We’ve known each other too long for that.”

I press my lips together, irrational anger pushing itself into me at an odd angle. “We’ve also known each other too long to keep secrets.”

His eyebrows draw together, a look so quizzical I’m reminded of our schooling days. “What secrets have I kept from you?”

Mentioning that had been a mistake. I exhale as flatly as possible. “I shouldn’t have mentioned it.” My dismissal only has Nikolai’s expression hardening. I drop my gaze. “Unless you need something, I’m retiring my services for the evening.”

I take a reluctant step towards the door, eyes attached to the floor. “Y/n,” his voice is gentle. “What is it?”

“It’s nothing, I’m just tired.” Please let that be at least somewhat believable. “I’m sure I’ll feel more like myself in the morning.” I take another step, a little more assured. Nikolai’s hand is on my shoulder before I can escape. “Nikolai--”

“Y/n,” his voice is that of velvet, “I can’t have you be mad at me. Not now.”

Sighing, I meet his gaze. The tiredness I see behind his eyes is almost enough to chase away my nerve. What I’d give to be able to melt into our familiar routine. “Then you should have told me you were almost engaged to a literal Saint--the same literal Saint who’s one of my closest friends.”

Nikolai’s expression shifts as his hand drops from my shoulder slowly, fingers brushing down my arm before he finally intertwines our fingers. I bite my tongue to avoid squeezing his hand, but I don’t move to separate us either. He studies me silently, eyebrows drawn together. The longer he stares, the more whatever turmoil he’s experiencing seems to dissipate. After a minute of silence, I can read his expression perfectly. His lips are pressed together in that coy way--the way he only looks when he’s suppressing a smile.

I loathe him for it. “Nikolai Lantsov, don’t you dare laugh--not after what you did. Do you have any idea what it felt like to have Alina casually mention the fact that you almost married her casually? Like that was common knowledge to everyone but me?”

My words break away the last of his self control. He grins, flashing his annoyingly perfect teeth. “Do you have any idea what it feels like for me to want nothing more than to see you and then you let me believe something may actually be wrong when the only issue is your jealousy?”

The amusement in his tone is like poison to me. I find the strength to jerk my hand away from him. “I am not jealous.” He laughs; I am further enraged. “I am not.” The genuineness of my anger must finally register on some level, because he tries to suppress his smile. “I have every right to be mad at my best friend for not telling me that he was almost married.”

“We didn’t exactly come close,” he manages, expression still much too light for my taste. “I’m glad for Alina’s sake, I’m not sure being a Saint would be enough to protect her.”

He is infuriating. “I’m not sure anything you have will be enough to protect you.”

Something in his gaze shifts, softening the tilt of his mouth. “I don’t doubt that.”

I don’t know what I expected from him--but not this. I thought he’d be at least somewhat apologetic. “You should have told me.”

“I would have if I felt it was significant.”

“I’m your best friend--your marriage is significant to me. And even though it’s not like you’re engaged to her right now, you should have told me. You know I talk to Alina all the time.”

He sighs once, a hint of apology threatening to ghost over his eyes. “If I knew not knowing would have upset you so much I would have told you. I was--I was just so excited to be around you again I didn’t see much relevance in anything that didn’t involve you.”

The intensity that Nikolai regards me with is enough to wither all of my fury. But without my anger, I am left spiraling in emotion that I’ve been pushing against for years. My mother’s warning about relationships with those above us rings in my ears--sharp and headache inducing. I am still when he reaches for my hand again, but I do no allow myself to return the gentle squeeze of his fingers.

“I’m not sure much outside of you has significance.” He’s giving me a look I am familiar with. A look he often uses to chase away my anger.

Without my anger, I have nothing to keep me from melting into him, indulging in his presence fully. It’s so easy with him and I blinded myself to the danger of that. He may not be marrying Alina, but one day he will marry someone. A person worthy of his status--and what would I be left doing? Washing their laundry? Tearing up when I dusted the library and came across a book we had read together? Enough damage has already been done--I need to cut myself with this blade now in hopes of making sure I can one day recover.

He will get married one day, and nothing will be the same. And that’s a good thing--he deserves the love of a princess or queen. I want his happiness, even if it’s not with me. But some vindictive part of me hopes that some part of him will miss me. That some part of him will be dulled without me.

I’m a fool--he will remember me as the handmaid from his youth. The girl who made him laugh once or twice before he grew up. I force my hand out of his grasp. “You can’t win me over with words every time.” I need to get out of here before he says something that makes me lose all resolve. “Tomorrow morning I’ll be here to prepare you for breakfast.”

“Y/n.”

I step forward, refusing to look at him. “Goodnight.”

He sighs, his hand quick to grab my arm. Before I can question him I feel myself pulled back. I expect him to pull me just close enough so that I have to meet his gaze. He continues, pulling me sharply before placing a quick hand on my shoulder, forcing me down. My back hits his bed.

I sit up as soon as the reality of what just happened seeps into my mind. “Nikolai, what in the Saints--”

“If you’re going to act like a child, I’m going to treat you like one.”

I scoff, thoughts of escaping him put on hold by the principle of pride. Fine. I’ll beat him one last time, and then I’ll let us separate. I shove him. He laughs--of course this is funny to him. He got to keep fighting past the age of about eleven. His laughter adds to my anger, I move to shove him again, but he catches my wrist easily. I struggle against his hold, shoving him a third time with my still free hand. He pushes me slightly. That’s all it takes to unleash familiar habits.

Our small fight is hardly fair. He has all the advantage--more training, and he’s standing above me. When I finally make a move that might give me some success, Nikolai leans forward. He practically tackles me, his weight forcing me flat against the bed.

I move an arm, ready to push him off of me. Nikolai snags my wrists, holding them above my head. “This means I win.” I roll my eyes, anger returning.

“Let me go.”

He sighs tiredly, but the smugness radiating off of him is suffocating. “Admit that you were jealous.”

There are a lot of things I am willing to do for him--but never that. I cannot give him the one separation I still have. “I wasn’t.”

“Then why are you mad?”

I press my lips together. “I told you--”

“Do you really think you could lie to me?”

“You don’t know me that well.”

Nikolai moves his freehand, touching my chin as a way to ask me to look at him. I meet his gaze hesitantly. “Yes, I do, and that’s never bothered you before but it does now.”

Maybe this is a conversation better had bluntly. “It bothers me now because you’re too old to hold onto the daughter of a palace handmaid and I’m too old to pretend that our different statuses don’t matter.”

“Y/n,” he breathes, “Nothing’s changed. Status didn’t matter to me when we were children, and it doesn’t matter to me now.”

“You can afford to say things like that.”

“What good is my title if it means I can’t,” he pauses, eyes hesitant, “If I can’t keep things the same between us?”

I smile, the sadness of the look weighs on me and I can’t even see it. “Nikolai, you always knew things would change.”

“No, I--”

“You can’t tell me you think your future wife would like you having such a close relationship with a handmaid.” I press my lips together. “One day you’ll fall in love and get married and you’ll want me to leave your bedchamber as soon as dinner is over because you’ll be eager to spend time with your wife.” His gaze hardens. “And that’s not a bad thing. It’s actually a really good thi--”

The last syllable of my sentence dies in my throat. Nikolai, who must be possessed by something, leans down and presses his lips against mine. I beg myself to resist, but his gentleness is everything I’ve ever wanted. He releases my hands in favor of holding my face. That’s all it takes--my hands move without my permission, into his hair--pulling him closer to me. What am I doing? I’m insane. Placing my hands on his chest cautiously, I push just slightly. He’s quick to obey, pulling away while allowing his teeth to brush against my bottom lip.

I gape at him--taking in his now slightly swollen lips. “Nikolai.” He can’t do this to me. We’re friends. Despite the fact that I’ve loved him more than I should--we’re friends. “You’re being extremely unfair.”

He draws his eyebrows together, sitting up quickly and moving off of me. “I’m being unfair? I have spent my entire life loving y--”

I sit up, furious in a new way. “You have not!” This is the dumbest I have ever been. I move to stand, still feeling the softness of his lips against mine.

“Your tooth fell out.” The sharpness of his words forces me to still.

“What?”

I can’t bring myself to turn and look at him, but I’ve always been able to feel any heaviness he bears. The weight of it leaves little room for air in my lungs. “You were ten. I told you ‘girls couldn’t fight’ so you punched me in the face. That was the first time we ever fought--I didn’t mean to hit you in the face, but you moved. You moved and I hit you in the mouth and your last baby tooth fell out. I expected you to cry or get angry, but you just blinked at me and laughed. You were happy to lose your last baby tooth because it meant you were grown up. And then you smiled and asked me if you looked older. If anything, the gap in your smile made you look younger but I told you that you looked like a grown-up because I wanted you to keep smiling. Because your smile made me feel like I won something.” I turn on my heels, but I cannot meet his gaze. “That was the moment I fell in love with you--so don’t tell me I haven’t spent my entire life loving you.”

The weight of his words is harder to survive against than the heaviness of his feelings. “Nikolai, you know we can’t ever be together--”

“Why not?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know,” I manage, voice low, “You almost married the Sun Summoner--”

“That was political--”

“Exactly, your marriage is meant to be political, and if it happens to be out of love--which is what I hope you get, because it is what you deserve--it will be to someone of status.”

Nikolai stands, the movement is that of a king, not the boy I know. “I do not want status or to love someone else--I want you.”

“I can’t take that from you--”

“You can’t take anything from me because I’ve already given it all to you.”

I press my lips together, heart tearing for him. “I love you too much to ruin you.”

My words seem to snap something in him because his eyes darken, the way he watches me adjusting accordingly. “You can’t ruin something that’s always been yours.”

I let myself smile. At him. At his words. At the foolish hope the child in me has clung to after all of these years. I reach for him thoughtlessly, because I have the right to. Because I’ve always had the right to. He’s quick to respond, kissing me with much more security than before.

This time, he pulls away of his own regard. “You still haven’t admitted that you were jealous.”

His teasing smugness isn’t as sour to me anymore. “I wasn’t.”

Nikolai pulls me towards him easily, lips threatening to brush against me, warm breath against my face. “Are you sure, darling? You were awfully quick to claim what’s yours.”

I roll my eyes, grinning so widely I’m surprised my face doesn’t yet hurt. “You’re the one that fell for a ten-year-old girl with a bloody mouth.”

When he smiles back at me, he places a hand on my hip, pulling me forward slightly. “That I did.” He pulls me forward slightly. "Does this mean you can sleep in here again?"

"If anything, this is more reason for me to sleep in another room." He rolls his eyes, pulling me even closer. "But I won't tell if you don't."

Nikolai leans forward, pressing his lips to my forehead. "Deal."

tags: @deardiarystuff @theincredibledeadlyviper, @grishaverse7 @benbarnes-supremacy  @tranquilitymoon @kaitlyn2907 @lunamyangel @christinawxxx @deceivedeer @real-mbappe @tonks33

#nikolai lantsov #nikolai lantsov x reader #nikolai lantsov x you #shadow and bone #shadow and bone fic #shadow and bone fanfic #shadow and bone imagine #grisha #Grishaverse #grishaverse imagines #grishaverse imagine #grishaverse x reader #shadow and bone netflix

[nevermindirah]

Do you have any thoughts on the use of AAVE for Nile (or lack thereof) in TOG fanfiction? I've been reading some Book of Nile fic and some writers seem to write her as a Millennial™ (using words like "fave" and "woke") but never acknowledge her Blackness in her patterns of speech. I know we don't see her use as much AAVE in the films, but I would argue she's in situations where code-switching would be valued (first in a "professional" environment in the army, then around a group of non-Black strangers).

Hi anon! I have many thoughts on this and I'm honored you asked me! But I should start by saying I'm white and any thoughts Black fans and especially Black American fans have on this that they want to share would be beyond lovely. (I'm not gonna tag anybody bc that feels rude but please add onto this post if any of y'all see this and want to!)

The main reason I personally avoid AAVE for Nile in my own fics is because I'm not Black. But Nile-centric fics by Black writers tend to avoid using much of it too, at least from what I've noticed/understood, and my guess is it's largely for the reason you mention, that she's in situations that encourage code-switching.

In movie canon Nile is highly competent at tailoring her language to each situation she finds herself in. This fantastic linguistics analysis meta shows how skillfully Nile chooses her vocabulary and grammar to meet her goals with different conversation partners in different contexts. In comics canon Nile had a bunch of different civilian jobs before joining the Marines, so she would've had experience code-switching in the ways that made sense for all those different contexts as well as the Marines and her family and high school and wherever else she spent her time before we met her. And now she's spending her time with a handful of immortals none of whom are native English speakers and a fellow Black American but one with a Queen's English UK accent whose professional experience is in the CIA where high-status code-switching is often an absolute must for success or even survival.

Fics featuring Nile are charged with extrapolating from that to how it might show up in her use of language that she's coping with a traumatic separation from her family and her career and pretty much everything she's ever known and now she needs to be able to make herself understood to people who seem to care about her and each other but are super duper in crisis, three (soon to be four) of whom predate Modern English entirely and the only one who's anywhere near her contemporary she's not supposed to talk to for a century. All of these people are telling her that pretty much any contact with any mortals poses an existential threat to her and the rest of the group. How the FUCK is she supposed to cope with that, like, generally? And would it be a more effective way for her to cope if she talked to Andy Joe and Nicky using the speech patterns that she used to use with her mom and brother, to at least retain that part of her identity even if it means having to do a lot of explaining, or would it meet her needs better to prioritize Andy Joe and Nicky understanding what she means with her words over using the particular words and grammar forms she used with her family?

I've seen several fics, both Nile-centric / BoN and otherwise, explore this a little bit in how/whether Nile uses Millennial™ speak. It's often a theme in Nile texting Booker despite the exile because of the popular headcanon that he as The Tech Guy is the only other immortal who understands memes. But Nile's much-younger-than-Booker mom probably uses Boomer and/or Gen X memes and Andy has been adapting to new communication styles for forever as evidenced by her canon high level of fluency with standard-American-accented English.

Which brings us back to people avoiding AAVE because they're not Black and they don't want to make mistakes (or they're not Black and they don't want to get yelled at for making mistakes, though I think many people overestimate how much they'll get yelled at while underestimating how much these mistakes can hurt). I can imagine some Black fans hold back from using much AAVE in fic because they don't want to share in-group stuff with white people who are likely to then adopt and ruin it, as white people so often do with Black cultural stuff. Some links about this including a great Khadija Mbowe video. I'm saying this gently, anon, because you might not know: woke, an example you cited as Millennial™ speak, is AAVE, and that's gotten erased by so many white people appropriating it and using it incorrectly online.

And also there's the part where fandom is a hobby and you never know when you're reading a fic that's the very first thing someone's ever written outside of a school assignment. This cultural considerations of language shit takes a level of effort and skill that not everybody puts into every fic, or even could if they wanted to because they haven't had time to build their skills yet. It's definitely easier for non-Black fans to project our millennial feels onto Nile than to do the layers of research and self-reflection it requires to depict what Blackness might mean to Nile, and it's not surprising that often people sharing their hobby creations on the internet have gone the easier route. There's not even necessarily shame in doing what's easier. It's just frustrating and often hurtful when structural white supremacy means that 3-dimensional Black characters are rare in media and thoughtful explorations of them in fandom are seen by the majority of fans as not-easy to make and therefore Nile Freeman, the main character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood, has the least fic and meta and art made about her of our 5 main immortals.

I've been active in different fandoms off and on for twenty years and I barely managed to write 5,000 words about Sam Wilson across multiple different fics in the 7 years since I fell in love with him. There's an alchemy to which characters we connect with, and on top of that which characters we connect with in a way that causes us to create stuff about them. Something about Nile Freeman finally tipped me over the edge from a voracious reader to a voracious writer. It's not for me to judge which characters speak to other individuals to the level of creating content about them, but I do think it's important for us to notice, and then work to fight, the pattern where across this fandom as a whole Nile gets way less content, and way less depth in so much of the content that's in theory about her, than any of these other characters.

Anyway, back to language. My two long fics feature Nile with several Black friends — Copley and OCs and cameos from other media — but all of those characters except Alec Hardison from Leverage aren't American. It's very possible I'm guilty of stereotyping Black British speech patterns in I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore. I watched hours and hours of Black haircare YouTube videos in the research for that fic and I modeled my OCs' speech patterns on what I heard from some of those YouTubers as well as what I've heard people like John Boyega and Idris Elba saying in interviews, but the thing about doing your best is you still might fuck up.

I'm slowly making progress on my WIP where Nile and Sam Wilson are cousins, and what ways of talking with a family member might be authentic for Nile is a major question I need to figure out. For that, I'm largely modeling my writing choices on how I hear my Black friends and colleagues talking to each other. I haven't overheard colleagues talking in an office in a long-ass time, but back when that was a thing, I remember seeing a ton of nuance in the different ways many of my Black colleagues would talk to each other. Different people have different personalities! And backgrounds! And priorities! A few jobs ago my department was about 1/3 Black and we worked closely with Obama administration staff many of whom were Black and there was SO MUCH VARIETY in how Black people talked to each other, about work and workplace-appropriate personal stuff, where I and other white coworkers could hear. There are a few work friends in particular who I have in my head when I'm trying to imagine how Sam and Nile might talk to each other. From the outside looking in, God DAMN is shit complicated, intellectually and interpersonally and spiritually, for Black people who are devoting their professional lives to public service in the United States.

One more aspect of this that I have big thoughts on but I need to take extra care in talking about is the idea of acknowledging Nile's Blackness in her patterns of speech. There's no one right way to be Black, and Nile's a fictional character created by a white dude but there are plenty of real-life Black Americans who don't use much or even any AAVE, for reasons that are complicated because of white supremacy. (Highly highly recommend this video by Shanspeare on the harms of the Oreo stereotype.)

Something that's not the same but has enough similarity that I think it's worth talking about is my personal experience with authenticity and American Jewish speech patterns. My Jewish family members don't talk like they're in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I've known lots of people who do talk that way (or the millennial version of it), some of whom have questioned my Jewishness because I don't talk that way. That hurts me. Sometimes when another Jew tells me some shit like "I've never heard a Jew say y'all'd've," I can respond with "well now you have asshole, bless your Yankee-ass heart," because the myth of Dixie is a racist lie but I will totally call white Northerners Yankees when they're being shitty to me for being Southern, and this particular Jew fucking revels in using "bless your heart" with maximum polite aggression, especially with said Yankees. But sometimes I don't have it in me to say anything and it just quietly hurts having an important part of me disbelieved by someone who shares that important part of me. The sting isn't quite the same when non-Jews disbelieve or discount my Jewishness, but that hurts too.

Who counts as authentically Jewish is a messy in-group conversation and it doesn't really make sense to explain it all here. Who counts as authentically Jewish is a matter of legal status for immigration, citizenship, and civil rights in Israel, and it's my number 2 reason after horrific treatment of Palestinians that I'm antizionist. But outside that extremely high-stakes legal situation, it can just feel really shitty to not be recognized as One Of Us, especially by your own people.

It can also feel really shitty to be The Only One of Your Kind in a group, even if that group is an immortal chosen family who all loves each other dearly. Sometimes especially in a situation like that where you know those people love you but there are certain things they don't get about you and will never quite be able to. I'm definitely projecting at least a little bit of my "lonely Jew who will be alone again for yet another Jewish holiday" stuff onto Nile when at the end of I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore she's thinking about being the only Black immortal and moving away from the community she'd built with a mostly-Black group of mortals in that fic. Maybe that tracks, or maybe that's fucked up of me.

Basically, this got very long but it's complicated, writing about experiences that aren't your own takes skill which in turn takes time and practice to build, writing about experiences not your own that our society maligns can cause a lot of harm if done badly, it can also cause a lot of harm when a large enough portion of a fandom just decides to nope out of something that's difficult and risky because then there's just not much content about a character who deserves just a shit ton of loving and nuanced content, people are individuals and two people who come from the exact same cultural context might show that influence in all kinds of different ways, identity is complicated, language is complicated, writing is hard, and empathy and humility and doing our best aren't a guarantee of avoiding harm but they do go a long way in helping people create thoughtful content about a character as awesome and powerful and kind and messy and scared and curious and WORTHY as Nile Freeman.

#nile freeman #linguistics #TOG POC Love Fest #nileweek2021 #tog meta #tog #long post #mine #antiblackness #jewish things #hi i'm an antizionist jew no i don't really want to talk about it

[spencersawkward]

if you feel comfortable with it, I’d love a prof Spence where reader is a student and goes to office hours to initiate ~smutty goodness~ but Spencer is reluctant at first bc his job but they flirt more and eventually sleep together

me n my professor kink when i saw this: 😏 anyway yes i am quite comfortable writing about this lol. i took some ✨creative liberties✨ with your request so i'm sorry if it isn't exactly what you wanted! 

summary: reader is a student in Dr. Reid’s class, but she’s been something of a poor student-- office hours are the only solution.

relationship: Fem!Reader/Professor!Spencer

content warnings: unprotected penetrative sex, fingering, rough sex, super brief hair-pulling, creampie, dirty talk, spanking, age gap, degradation-- he gets pretty dominant oops.

word count: 4.5k

masterlist

popping in a piece of gum, I make my way to the back of the hall. there are a few people here already, but it's a little early. I'm never early. in fact, I'm usually late; my other class is on the other side of campus, and getting here involves a lot of embarrassing speed-walking.

but here I am, five minutes ahead of schedule and actually in a decent seat. as I flip open my textbook and pull my laptop out of my bag to prepare to take notes, my gaze slides down to the corner of the room, where Dr. Reid is standing up with a pile of papers. he walks over to the girl in the front row, handing her the stack and gesturing for her to pass it along.

I resist the urge to roll my eyes. he's a total luddite. the first day, Dr. Reid spent about ten minutes rambling about the importance of reading from a physical book rather than online sources-- which, although I definitely agree with, means a lot more lugging around folders and organizing all the readings he gives out. if he wasn't so hot, I would have switched into another course.

and I know it's wrong to be daydreaming about my professor slamming me into a wall while he discusses the intricacies of quantum theory. the complete cliché of it is embarrassing. but still, I just can't stop thinking about him: how his fingers would feel around my throat, the smooth wooden surface of his desk against my cheek as he bends me over and pulls my panties to the side--

"glad to see you've decided to join us, today, Ms. Y/L/N." Dr. Reid's voice startles me out of my thoughts. he's standing towards the front of the room while students file in. his hands are resting in his pockets with his eyebrows pleasantly raised.

"glad to see you've noticed." I retort, too irritated with his comment to care about being polite.

a couple people look at me. even though I'm generally not on time, he tends to just glance my way when I walk in and leaves it at that. I know he doesn't like it, although I personally don't care. I hate this course.

he seems visibly surprised by my response but doesn't reply, gaze lingering on mine before he turns to speak to a student trying to get his attention. I bite back a smile. fucking asshole.

as usual, Dr. Reid writes in his thin, messy lettering on the board while wandering around the front of the room. he's quite fidgety, even though his voice doesn't betray any sort of nervousness. it's like he's naturally overactive.

every word out of his mouth is enunciated, sometimes spoken faster when he gets particularly impassioned by the subject. he's interesting to look at, too. messy curls and a nice suit, stubble that straddles the line between refinement and ruggedness.

I type quickly, but it isn't fast enough and the strange illustrations he does on the board only complicate things. I try to write them down in my notebook, but my handwriting is jagged; sometimes it's hard to read. when a student raises her hand for a clarification, I take the opportunity to catch up.

my head jerks up as soon as I'm finished and he's looking at me while he speaks. even from so many feet away, the intensity strikes me. he's gesticulating and crossing the room. I hold eye contact.

I wonder if he dates often; a couple of the girls in my row always stare at him throughout the lectures. he seems to be completely unaware of the effect he has on people. sometimes I'll see him in the hallway and he has his nose buried in a book, or a to-go cup of coffee, or both. either way, there seems to be no more room in that head of his for romance.

which, naturally, makes me curious about how he looks when he's on the edge of orgasm. if that composure is replaced with a contorted pleasure. I want to break him.

it's like he can read my thoughts, because Dr. Reid averts his gaze. my stomach twists with a strange anticipation. he avoids looking my way for the rest of the time.

towards the end of class, I start to pack my things to go. I have three papers to write, and my utter lack of interest in this is making me eager to leave. I shove my textbook into my bag the second my professor starts to make closing remarks.

"don't forget that we have a midterm in two weeks!" he says in a slightly louder voice as people start to move around. "if you have any questions, my office hours are posted on the bulletin board outside."

at this, my eyebrows rise. I forgot about the midterm. I have a study calendar set up for all my subjects, but I've purposefully been putting this one off. I'm not super into math. and it doesn't help that most of my time is spent not listening. when I am, it doesn't make sense.

as I stand up and gather my stuff, I hear someone clearing their throat a couple feet away. my head turns to see Dr. Reid leaning against his desk.

"Ms. Y/L/N, can I see you for a second?"

my heart stutters in my chest. is this about my attitude? he's never asked to see me outside of lessons before.

I frown, making my way to him with a deliberate pace. the tension in the room builds as I watch the last of his students shuffle out of the room. my head turns from the door to him; my breath catches a little in my throat at the set of his jaw. part of me hopes I get yelled at.

"I'm concerned about your participation in this class." he says. his voice isn't cruel, but it is brutally honest— which is worse. participation? I feel my fist clench at my side. my professors don't usually say anything if you aren't doing things up to their expectations; if you aren't, then they give you a bad grade. simple as that.

"is this about me being late?" I ask. he lets out a sigh before answering. he sounds disappointed.

"you're constantly tardy, and when you hand in your homework, you barely seem to have put in the effort. it's messy."

"messy?" I start to get annoyed. I'm only doing this so that I can get my degree. it's a fucking requirement. even though I'm not the biggest fan of mathematics, I still do my best and hand in my assignments on time. plus, the latest I arrive is five minutes-- it's not like I'm stumbling in halfway through the lesson.

"you've never come to office hours to ask for help or explained your lateness, which I, as your professor, would have appreciated." he scolds. honestly, I don't know what to say. my eyes narrow.

"I have my studio class on the other side of campus." I explain. "I should have emailed about that and I'm sorry, but I'm also not being lax about my work."

he goes around to the other side of his desk and glances up at me while he organizes some loose documents to pack away. he looks way too good when he's exasperated: his hands tighten around the papers, his eyebrows come together in this cute way. his tie is a little crooked, too.

"are you struggling with the content?"

"sometimes, yeah. but I can handle reaching out for help if I need it." I reply. he's pissing me off with these questions. I can see from the expression on his face that he's surprised by my reaction.

"really?" he slides some books into his messenger bag. that was definitely sarcastic; I know it was. "because it doesn't really seem like you have."

"I like to find help on my own." I shoulder my bag and cross my arms over my chest. there's no way he's gonna talk to me like that and expect me to not respond in kind.

"I'm reserving a slot on Wednesday evening for you," he looks up and holds my gaze. hazel irises that dare me to challenge him further. "I want you in office hours so that we can figure out how you're gonna catch up before the midterm."

"fine." I turn on my heel and leave. I know I'm not supposed to talk to my professor like that, or even to behave with such apprehension. but something about him makes me angry in the kind of way that settles in my stomach. I hate that he's right. I'm not going to do well on that damn test if I don't get some help.

but that doesn't mean I can't have some fun with it.

when I rush into his office on Wednesday evening, the sun is just starting to set through his window. there's a pinkish glow that smooths over Dr. Reid's desk as he glances up at me. I had to run to get here.

"you're late." he nods to the clock on the wall. I roll my eyes.

"only one minute, though. I had another class."

he sighs and folds his hands on his desk. "how are you doing today, Ms. Y/L/N?" a strangely polite question for the look on his face. he's frustrated with me.

"I'm quite well, Dr. Reid." I smile brightly, slightly excited by the anger on his face, and sit at the chair in front of his desk.

"I didn't know you were interested in art." he says simply. I'm confused for a moment before I remember that I told him that the course before his is a studio lesson.

"I didn't know you cared."

"do you make a habit of that?" he quirks an eyebrow.

"of what?" my expression is saccharine.

"being rude to people who control your grades."

"unless you're considering being unethical in your practices and allowing your personal opinion of me to influence my grade, then no." I counter. he's silent for a moment, taking in my words like they've left a mark on him.

"well, you'd most likely fail if I asked you to leave my office hours right now. whose fault would that be?" he fidgets with his hands and leans forward just a bit, his voice dropping to a lower tone. I bite back a smile.

"you wouldn't."

"and why is that?" he baits.

"because you're not a shitty professor, Dr. Reid," I lean back in my chair and cross my legs. "as angry as you are, you wouldn't be able to live with yourself if you kicked me— a struggling student— out of here for giving you a little attitude."

"a little attitude?" he scoffs. "you've spent the whole semester completely ambivalent."

"not completely." I shrug.

"Y/N, you draw all over your tests and leave at least one problem half-finished every time. you obviously aren't learning." he chuckles mirthlessly. I concede this point; I like to doodle when I'm bored. and there's absolutely nothing more boring to me than numbers.

"okay," I sit up and rest my elbows on the edge of his desk, staring at him. "then teach me."

Dr. Reid holds my gaze for a long moment. we're suspended, it seems, as his lips part and he finds himself speechless. the way I said the words obviously has another layer to it-- he just has to decide whether or not to take the bait.

"what are you struggling with?" he clears his throat and sits up a bit straighter in his seat. that answers my question, I guess. I poke my tongue between my teeth gently, but then pull out my notebook and flip it to a page with some problems outlined on it.

"these." I toss the thing onto his side and he begins to run through the assignment. I watch him pick up a pen and start to explain the steps, slipping into his usual educational tone. his shoulders relax a little as he writes.

I can't see right from the angle I'm at, so I stand and come around onto his side. I hear him pause his speaking for a moment at my proximity, but he doesn't move away.

"does that make sense?" he asks me once he's finished running through the first problem. he basically did all the work. the professor's head turns to gauge my reaction to the explanation, but his eye line is right at the hem of my skirt-- which is already pretty short. for all his attempts to be subtle, he gulps and looks up at me.

"mostly." I brush a piece of hair behind my ear and pretend to scratch at a spot on my upper thigh, dragging the edge of my skirt with it until he can see the smooth skin beneath, practically begging for his touch. "can I ask you a question?"

"sure." he keeps his eyes almost too focused on mine. I try to hide the smile tugging at my lips. now or never, I guess.

"what's your policy on professor/student relationships?"

"my-- my what?" this time, he's audibly scattered when he turns to me. his eyes are wide, dark. even he can't hide his feelings.

"you know," I run my fingertips over the tweed shoulder of his jacket. I can sense the tension beneath his clothes. "like, your policy on fucking a student."

"I--" his cheeks turn pink. he's flustered, albeit not rejecting my touch. "I've never had to think about it before."

"hmm," I look off to the side as if considering this point. his chair is fully turned to face me now, and I'm standing in front of him, almost completely his for the taking. all he has to do is close the gap. "well, what are you thinking about it right now?"

"it's wrong." he stumbles over the words.

"why?"

"well, I mean, you're a student--"

"for a semester that's almost over." I cut him off. he opens and closes his mouth. I take a deep breath, toying with the hem of my skirt. "I know you've been looking at me during class."

"w-what?"

"you're pretty good at hiding it, but you call on me a lot and you get all messed up when I hold eye contact too long during lectures." I say.

he looks down and back up apologetically. he's just sitting there, lap wide open. so I do what any sane girl in my position would do: I climb into it, straddling him and resting my arms around his neck. he sucks in a breath.

"you pretend I'm such a pain," I lean down by his ear, my core drawing over his pants. he tenses as I speak. "but you like that I'm your little problem."

"Y/N..." he trails off, but his hips are bucking up into mine.

"see?" I look between our bodies at his movements, then at him. I smirk as I look into those lust-darkened eyes. after a moment of him not speaking, I straighten. "look, I'll leave you alone if it really bothers you--"

as I start to get off his lap, he grabs me and pulls me back down. the force hits my center at just the right angle and I let out a slight mewl. he hears the sound and before I can register the pleasure, he grabs my face and yanks me closer to kiss him.

god, he feels so good. I rock my hips against his while our lips pass over each other hungrily. so much tension built up over the past few months, so many thoughts I've had of him, now coming to fruition. it's amazing.

"not so 'wrong' now, is it?" I chuckle against his mouth.

"shut up." he orders. one moment of broken contact to slide my top over my head and throw it on the floor.

I sigh as he starts to kiss across my jaw and down my throat. "I like when you talk like that, Dr. Reid."

one hand grips my hips tighter and he releases a groan against my skin.

"is that why you're such a fucking brat in my class?" he bites my collarbone and I moan. "because you want me to put you in your place?"

"mhmm." I hum. his fingertips move under my skirt, sliding up my thighs and toying with the waistband of my panties. he teases me by grazing my slit over the fabric, inhaling sharply at the wet patch.

"sitting in the back of my room, fucking dripping..." he mumbles to himself as he starts to rub me.

"touch me." I breathe out, trying to gain the friction that I need.

"not if you're gonna be a brat." he removes his hand and I let out a frustrated noise as I try to find the pressure I need elsewhere by grinding down on him. he grunts at the way I pant into his mouth, trying to kiss him with every chance I get. his lips are so smooth and sweet against mine. there's something affectionate about it even in its ferocity.

"I'll be good." I practically beg.

"that's what I thought." he slides his tongue over his bottom lip as he watches me whimper on top of him.

"come on, Spencer..." I use the name for the first time and he grabs my face in his hand, squeezing my cheeks.

"not my name, sweetheart." he stares into my eyes expectantly and I smirk.

"you're fucked up, doctor."

"so are you."

after he says that, he lifts me off his lap and stands up, pushing between my shoulder blades until my face is pressed onto the desk. I let out a needy whine, wiggle my ass back in hopes of finding his crotch, but he's not willing to give me that, yet.

instead, he gently touches my skirt, flipping it up so that he can see my ass. immediately, he starts to knead it. my palms are pressed flat against the desk with anticipation, silently thankful that my panties are still on. I think I'd be dripping down my thighs if they weren't.

"are you gonna be more respectful?" his voice is low, one hand tracing over my back. I shake.

"mhmm."

"I won't spank you if you don't use your words, sweetheart."

"yes." I choke out, no longer wanting to give any sort of resistance. I had no idea there was this side of him, and I love it.

he loves it too, apparently, because his hand comes down sharply on my ass. I yelp at the contact and he runs his fingers over the point of impact, rubbing the flesh gently.

"too hard, baby?" he checks.

"harder." I beg. I can't see his face, but I can sense his smile as if it's my own. his palm hits me again, and I gasp.

"you like being punished?"

"yes." strangled and desperate.

he slips his finger beneath the fabric of my panties, collecting my essence and letting out a quiet moan when he feels me. I push my hips against his fingers, partly expecting him to remove all the pressure, but he doesn't bother waiting.

he slips his index inside and I gasp. starts to push in and out, his silence proving his arousal. I can practically feel his eyes on me. the pace increases a bit and he slides in his middle finger. I buck against the desk.

"oh fuck!" I cry out as he starts to go faster. he curls them against my walls and I arch my back.

"two fingers and you're already breaking?" Spencer chuckles as he moves inside me. he keeps one hand on my ass while he does it, starting to finger me at a ridiculous speed while I pant and moan and cry.

"I--" I gulp down air. "I need you in it."

he bends down by my ear, never breaking his rhythm. my legs are shaking from the force. "you need my cock?"

"yes," I feel myself closing in around him. "god, yes."

"you're lucky I wanna fuck you so bad." he mutters. I grin as I hear the clink of his belt coming undone, the sliding through the belt loops, the sound of him stripping down to nothing. I can feel my excitement on the inside of my thighs, spread around by his reckless fingers as he removes my panties and skirt.

he grinds himself against my pussy, coating himself in me, while he releases low, longing moans. I suck in a breath when the head pushes in, every inch pushing me open a little more. I don't have the ability to form words, so I bite my lip and grip onto the edge of the desk until my knuckles turn white.

his breath stops for a moment before he groans.

"so ready for me."

he's not even all the way in, and he has to pause to let me adjust. when he taps the inside of my thigh for me to part them more, I do it quickly and beg him to fill me up. I can barely take the pressure between my hips, but it burns in an inviting way.

"keep going." I direct him. he runs his hands over the curve of my waist and starts to thrust into me at a rate that leaves me panting. it's not too fast or slow, just impatient and needy. every sound that spills from his lips turns me on more.

"where'd the attitude go, huh?" he digs his hips into mine. his cock hits my cervix and I squeak against the wood, but he holds my back down. I don't even try to argue with him, too overcome with the pleasure that's coursing through my limbs. he starts to build up his speed. "don't have much to say when you're getting fucked?"

"Dr. Reid--" I moan.

he plows into me so hard, the desk shifts on the floor and he grabs my ass with both hands.

"take it, baby. fucking take it."

I get up on my elbows to look behind me, just to glimpse how he looks as he gets closer. his curls have fallen more in his face, and his shirt is gone. I want to touch him desperately, to feel the lovely skin of his torso and arms and everything else, but he keeps me down for the most part. all I get is the sight of his mouth open and his hips moving quickly against mine.

"look at me, there you go." he grabs my face and holds me there, our eyes locked. mine are welling at the sheer overwhelming pleasure inside, but his are dark and intense. they search mine for something I can only hope to offer.

"that feels so good, Dr. Reid." I pant. he bites his lip as he watches my mouth hanging open in lecherous shock.

"I bet it does," he explores my body. "coming in here, hoping I fuck you like you deserve. you're lucky I'm going easy on you."

"thank you." I whine.

"you might need some extra lessons, yeah?" he grunts out, moving into me with a bruising force.

"yes, please." I whisper. my voice is practically gone at this point, my mind entirely focused on the knot building in my stomach.

"what was that, baby?" he pulls my hair gently.

"yes— fuck— yes, please, Dr. Reid."

"what a beautiful girl." he smirks. I whimper when he runs his fingernails down my ribcage. I can feel it coming from the way he starts to move tumultuously, every thrust pushing harder and seeking more release. it's fervent, how he takes me and grips my hips like the force itself will push him over the edge.

"I'm so close..." I breathe out as I try for as much friction as I can.

"show me," he drops down so his stomach is flush to my back. "show me how you cum, Y/N."

the way he says my name-- husky and warm and full of lust-- causes me to snap. I cry out as he reaches around to clamp a hand around my mouth, climaxing and pulsing around his dick as I drop down against the surface again. I want him to finish inside, so I do my best to keep him here. and his thrusts are getting more staccato as he chases the sensation my walls create.

"can I fill you, angel?" he asks. he's breathing right by my ear, and the feeling is sending shivers down my spine. I love how his weight feels.

"yes." I moan and he slides his fingers into my mouth. I suck on them while he orgasms, jerking into my pussy and letting out unholy sounds of ecstasy. he says unintelligible things in the throes of his orgasm. pounds into me until I'm sure I won't be able to walk tomorrow.

"jesus christ, Y/N." he slows to a stop. when he pulls his cock out of me, the absence makes me whine. I miss his body already.

"oh my god." I clench my hands into fists as I try to catch my breath. I'm still bent over the desk as though I've been completely sapped of all my energy. I suppose I have. he doesn't touch me for a moment in the spirit of letting me recover from the small shudders still running over my skin.

"that was great." he says after we've both had time to fill our lungs. I push myself onto my elbows again.

"correct." I grin and straighten up more until I'm standing. he stares at me, at the cum now dripping down my legs, entranced.

"let me get you something to clean up." he snaps out of it a little. I can't stop looking at him, either, in love with the way he moves and the way he breathes after exerting himself on my body.

"come here." I bite my lip. for some reason, despite what we just did, this is scarier than everything else. he steps closer and I reach up, kiss him softly. part of me worries that he'll pull away and be terrified. maybe that he'll tell me that I've read too much into this.

he's much gentler than before. our first kiss was full of need and primal desire, but this is more affectionate. I remove myself from his embrace.

"okay, you can go now." I giggle. his fingertips linger on my waist and he smiles. I push his shoulder. "I literally have your cum all over me-- go."

"fine." he starts to put his clothes on.

"does this mean I get an A?" I joke. Spencer shakes his head.

"nice try. when we're done cleaning you up, we're gonna sit down and figure this out."

I let out a whine, and he kisses my cheek before looking me in the eyes. "it'll be fun. I promise."

"math is not fun."

"I can't believe I like a girl who doesn't enjoy such a beautiful subject." he rolls his eyes and I giggle. he's perfect.

#spencer reid #spencer reid one shot #dr. reid #criminal minds #spencer reid smut #spencer reid x reader #professor reid

[astrologybyana]

lot of spirit / part of spirit

hii babies, i'm back! in this post, our focus is on our lot of spirit ✨

lot of spirit tells us about where we can experience abundance in life

it is also believed by some astrologers that this placement in our chart shows how our spirit guides are like

so i'm just gonna connect those two and say it's your higher self whispering in your ear how your soul can find satisfaction hahah

its formula is ascendant + moon - sun

however, to find where your lot of spirit is located, you can simply go to astro.com, choose “free horoscopes” and then “extended chart selection”

from house systems, choose “whole signs” and write "37452" to the additional objects part, and there it is!

you can also access to my masterpost, here 🎈

it’s a long post so i cut it from here 🧚🏻‍♀️

lot of spirit in aries / 1st house

very passive earlier in life, you probably didn't like arguments and confrontation

and gave in easily bc you didn't wanna be alone

which means u might have been taken for granted a lot

you have learnt / are learning / should learn (lol sorry...) how to overcome this fear of yours tho

let people come to you and when the time comes, let them go, to let abundance in your life

once you get the hang of it, your need for indepence will take over and you'll see success comes easily with your leadership abilities 🌸

lot of spirit in taurus / 2nd house

you might not have felt good enough while growing up

in relationships, you might be the one who is more giving

pulling back from intense people might be good for you because you are prone to sacrificing yourself

and what you need is your own sense of "self", what you need is "you" separately

you are probably drawn to people who are wealthy and materalistic

others might challenge your self development but this is the area you need to work on anyways ✨

lot of spirit in gemini / 3rd house

you might have felt like you haven't been understood / listened enough while growing up, you might have had communication issues

you can read between the lines

you observe how people communicate, you can understand body language and gests and mimics easily

so it's hard to manipulate you, though, it might be easy for you to manipulate others

you probably make scenarios in your head to see how things can go

you might need to work on mind flexibility 🕊

lot of spirit in cancer / 4th house

family approval is important to you, uou feel like you need to belong somewhere, anywhere

because you might not have felt the emotional connection you wanted to feel as a child

the lack of emotional connection might have been with one parent or both; they might have been aloof or distant, physically or emotionally

in relationships, you may feel responsible like you need to carry the traditional roles of a gender

you like knowing what's going to happen, it might give you a feeling of security

having a job that where you take care of others will probably be good for you 🦄

lot of spirit in leo / 5th house

you might feel like you haven't been a child really, or you haven't had fun a lot

you might have grown up in an area with people that are very different than you

you wanted to be popular, but those differences did not really let you

and feeling neglected by your peers probably blocked your creativity and heart chakra

you might have developed a wall around you, which you think protects your self esteem but the only thing it does is not let love in

you should learn how to be comfortable letting that wall down and reach out to others 💖

lot of spirit in virgo / 6th house

you might have grown up having to out a standart for certain stuff

you might have felt like you had to do what you were told, and you put high standarts to do those things, in order to get your parents' attention

however, this probably led you to put too much effort into everything you did

which might have made you feel like you were responsible for anything and everything

you might have a tendency to take things too personally

high standarts are good, don't get me wrong, but it might feel good to not critisize yourself and others too much and let things loose a little 🎈

lot of spirit in libra / 7th house

you love harmony and getting along and all that, but when you see unjustice, whoops 👀

you can't stand that shit. but good for you!

when you defend someone who feels support, you feel good, it's like everything is as it's supposed to be

but while fighting for others, you might tend to ignore your own problems

and no, sweetie, that's not good. you need harmony here, too

pls learn how to set boundries and take as much as you give 🌠

lot of spirit in scorpio / 8th house

you probably have developed a strong sense of self which lets you know when to help people, and when to step back

you might feel like you are unintentionally attracted stuff that are about other people's values

fear of failure, ✨a lot✨ which makes you driven to use your full potential in like anything

people might try to use their power on you, which triggers your sense of defence

you need to trust, but it's hard for you, you need to feel like you are loved as who you are

doing your own thing and achieving your personal success will open doors for you 💸

lot of spirit in sagittarius / 9th house

you might not have felt confident enough while growing up

you might have been in situations where you felt like you had to speak up, but you just couldn't because of your lack of confidence

you have a philosophical approache to life and you love expanding your mentality

you're intuitive, you just know when someone is genuine or not

you don't like small talk, you want to dig deeper and deeper

following your intuition and avoiding gossip etc. is the best thing to do here 🎀

lot of spirit in capricorn / 10th house

you had to learn how to take responsibility at a younger age

you were probably someone to step back and observe, you might have felt suppressed and feared of stepping outta line

because you knew there were consequences to face after doing something

as you grow up, life has probably challenged you by leaving you in situations where you have to deal with self esteem, and eventually developing it

you might also like to challenge yourself and see how much more you can accomplish

you'll find a feeling of satisfaction by facing your fears, gaining control over who you are, making your goals clear and achieving them 👑

lot of spirit in aquarius / 11th house

you might have no or little control over your identity while growing up, and it might have affected your social life

you might have had mood swings every now and then, which probably made you feel like your life was full of ups and downs, like a rollercoaster

although you're a very friendly person, but you might have felt like you never fit in, so you learnt to rely on yourself only

you are still discovering yourself, and that's beautiful

expressing your unique ideas will make you meet people like you

however, you should overcome your impulsivity in order not to experience outbursts 🎈

lot of spirit in pisces / 12th house

you probably think you are here to help people

what makes you think this way is that there have been so many people who needed you

you try to see the best in people, and while that's good, sometimes your sight might get too cloudy, which could lead to not seeing red flags

whenever you feel like your energy is draining, you need to get away

you tend to bottle up your own problems, and open up when you feel like you can trust someone 100%

you may find it difficult to say no, but that's exactly what you should learn 💖

#astrology #astrology chart #astrology houses #traditional astrology #astrology observations #astro notes #astrology notes #astro observations #zodiac #zodiac signs #astrology signs #lot of spirit #part of spirit #spirit #aries #taurus #gemini #cancer #leo #virgo #libra #scorpio #sagittarius #capricorn #aquarius #pisces #new blog #new post

[cinnamonest]

which yan do you think would react the best and worst at a darling who just tries to make themselves smaller? like in the sense of they’re kind of listless and tend to either give simple answers to their yan or none at all. just tends to avoid doing anything out of fear of getting punished.

Oof that's a good question I like this one

Three best, I'm gonna say Zhongli, Diluc, and Venti

Three who would be pretty bad, probably Xiao, Xingqiu, and, hear me out, Bennett.

It's also worth discussing Scara and Razor here bc they're kinda unique cases, also a Childe/Kaeya bc their reaction would be more or less the same

====================

The thing with Zhongli is he has supreme patience and knows that these things take time, you know? So like, it doesn't bother him too much at first. What's a year when you've liked like, thousands of them? So while with most yans you run into the issue of impatience, that's not an issue with him, especially if there's a way to make darling immortal. He won't force anything, he won't push you to do things you're uncomfortable with. He'll just isolate you. If you want to be away from him, well, that's fine, you can enjoy being completely an entirely alone. Eventually, you will give in, and you will realize that your silent streak and cowering only makes you more miserable, and when that day comes, you'll come running to him. Diluc would have some issues, but the good thing about him is that he's sorta good at giving space and he's very good with silence. He wouldn't solve the problem, but he'd kinda... effectively avoid it, because he's a man of few words, and he's ok with you not having many words either. He can just kinda live silently, and be ok with that, he might not even realize there's a problem because he himself is so used to being reclusive and quiet. Cowering is a different issue. Even though he's one of the better ones overall, he is still the worst out of these three, because although he would make an attempt to deal with it gently and patiently, his patience will eventually run out, and he'd get more irritated and force physical interaction. Venti would work things out to the best of his ability. He tries to even hide his hurt for a while because he doesn't want you to feel bad, tries to keep a smile on and make the best of things, but it does wear him down eventually. But he really tries hard in the beginning to act like it doesn't even bother him, like he doesn't notice, his logic is that maybe if he keeps a smile and acts like it's all fine, then you will come around. Of course, as time goes on, it falters, and he becomes a lot more depressed about it all. Now the three worst. The thing with Xiao is that he doesn't know how to handle it, which, to be fair, is true of him for a lot of situations. He's easily frustrated and doesn't know how to go about anything in a gentle, normal way - his world is one in which physical violence solves all of his problems and he doesn't know any other way of making people do what he wants. He likes his darling talking -- he can take some nice silent times, but unlike Diluc, he can't handle it all the time. He gets frustrated and well, he resorts to that one thing he knows -- violence. And it works, so it's just positive reinforcement when you respond.

Xingqiu's just... kinda a brat. A lot of mature yanderes prioritize what makes the relationship between them and darling better, they think about the long run, or the more selfish manipulative ones work towards what works out in their best interests in the long run, which often means sacrificing or doing things they don't enjoy in the here and now. Xingqiu, however, has a strong immature streak, his focus is on getting what he wants and getting it now without a lot of thought about the bigger picture. So while he's not one to physically hurt his darling too much, he's willing to do a lot more in terms of being difficult to deal with because he doesn't really consider that he's just making the problem worse long-term, his focus is on what he wants in the moment.

Now, Bennett probably seems like an odd choice because he's a mild yandere, but he can be, without even realizing it, so manipulative with pity and guilt that he'll more or less force you into a state where you either are forced to talk to him more, or live with feeling like a monster. He's one that never really lets you out of his presence, and is a master of pity-fishing. So that guilt and pressure is constant -- the sad puppy eyes, the soft hurt voice, and especially the self-deprecating comments and apologizing. In the end he kinda unintentionally psychologically forces you into talking to him and being with him because otherwise you literally cannot escape the emotional, psychological pressure of it. Being talkative and accepting him is better than dealing with the emotions. And to be fair, he'd probably choose a darling that he knows is sensitive to that sort of thing, and will take pity on him like he wants.

Unique cases. Razor is a mix because he can tolerate wordlessness better than anyone, after all, he spends most of his life not using words. Once you actually come to the point of living with him, he too resorts back to his natural state and stops using words as much, communicating with a lot of grunts and gestures. But if you won't communicate at all? Razor's problem is similar to Xiao -- most of his problems can be solved by killing it or maiming it. His mind is fairly simple. He gets almost conditioned to it, begins to become habitual and so he just asks a question while holding your arm or hand -- not in affection, but a subtle threat. He's got his usual thing going on where it's not malicious, not mean-spirited, like most would be, he just kinda... does what works.

Scaramouche is... temperamental. See, sometimes he's fine with it. He gets a powerful feeling from other people's fear. So really? The cowering is fine by him. ... Well, he says it is, but deep down it does bother him a bit, not that he'll ever let himself dwell on it or let it show. The communication is a different issue. Especially if he's talking to you, he expects a response back, and will bark at you to be louder because talking quietly is insulting to him. Of course, he'd get mad at you for talking too loudly too, but, well, you get the idea. That's the issue -- for a timid darling, you just never really find respite because he likes having something to get mad over, really, he likes having an excuse to punish you so he'll intentionally find problems in your behavior no matter how you behave.

Childe and Kaeya both would be really, really bad, because that would be like, the worst thing for both of them and drives them up the wall, they’re both talkative people and feeling ignored is a blow to their pride. So both would get physical about forcing you to talk back to them, although Childe is notably more patient and will do things like starve you or isolate you until you’re willing to talk, whereas Kaeya, as a less patient person, would be more about physical pain right then and there. Both will condition you to talking to them pretty quickly out of fear of consequence. Childe likes to smother you with physical affection, so cowering isn’t going to do you much good, he’ll just pick you up and hold you no matter how much you squirm. Kaeya less so, but he still suffocates you with his presence all the time.

#lena's asks #atml

[tau1tvec]

Hello! I love this glowing effect in your reshade (especially on the white/highlight parts) and at the same time how it doesn’t whitewash your sims, would you mind sharing your settings for it or do you have any tips for creating a similar look, what shaders and what to think about/the settings etc? Thanks a lot!!

I would, but I'll be honest, I still to this day got no clue exactly what I did to get it, lol.

Plus it technically does wash out my sims, but mainly the lighter skinned ones, and bc the bloom is so strong, I gotta avoid too brightly lit of rooms, white backgrounds, and too light of blue skies, otherwise it'll basically swallow my sims up, especially my darker skinned sims... so it isn't perfect, but I assume it's just the general limitations of applying third party shaders on top of a moving image, rather than actually overhauling the way lights and shadows carry and work on sims, and everything around them inside the game.

My main advice to mitigate this is Photoshop, adjust lights accordingly in your sim's homes, avoid using too much light, and too many cieling lights ( they can look either harsh or overblown on sims ), use lighting mods for both indoor and outdoor, and also your sims, and find custom skin colors that give richer more contrasted undertones... and if they're still too light, which can happen, even all the ones EA added tend to still be too light, try using overlay skins with different opacity options.

I do have my Reshade I'm using up for download if you wanna poke around and look at its settings. I assume a lot of the "glow" and balancing of lights and shadows you're seeing is one of three shaders, AMBIENTLIGHT, LENZFLARE, and ceejay's Bloom.

The download for it is here.

#asks #anon