#yes he has his broom too but that only works outdoors so | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

headcanonsandmore · 2 years

Text

The Turtle Moves, Chapter One

Summary: In the bustling city of Ankh-Morpork, a murder has taken place. Not especially unusual, but such a case happens to be the first for a new recruit to the City Watch; a working-class boy from the Ramtops called Ron Weasley.

(This is my first time writing for Discworld characters and my last writing for HP characters, so hopefully I haven't messed up any characterisations too badly)

Tagging: @thefandompixie

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Read on FFN. Read on AO3.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

The night had always been a time to be afraid of.

It was ingrained into humanity, a distant memory from the time where a fire in a cave was the only safe harbour from the things that lurked beyond. Things with teeth and instincts that came canine-in-canine with them.

Ankh-Morpork at night was roughly similar. Except the creatures in the dark took your wallet as well.

It was that sort of cold winter night that encouraged all sane people to stay inside in their bed, cosy or otherwise. The sort of night that made you feel sorry for the poor buggers working out in it.

The care-taker at the prestigious Mrs Chuttington-Warbley’s Finishing School For Young Ladies* was not one of these poor buggers. In fact, he was of the opinion that any outdoor activity should only be conducted by stout men who’d been brought up for that sort of thing.

The care-taker did have a name but, after so many years of being referred to as “caretaker” by those around him, had just decided to accept the majority vote and go by that title instead. His first name was ‘care’, his surname was ‘taker’ and his middle name was ‘dash’. Which made him rather dull company at parties.

As the new academic year was due to start within the week, the care-taker was making his usual preparations around the school. The sort of things that people only complain about if they go wrong. Staircases without wormwood. Windows that didn’t creak. And doormats that didn’t complain when you stepped on them**.

He was just about to turn in for the night, when he heard a noise from within one of the teachers offices.

The care-taker sighed, put down his broom, and trudged over to the door in question.

‘Bloody rats get everywhere,’ he muttered, opening the door. ‘Oh, sorry, Ms Smith, I heard a noise and I wondered if it were… were…’

He trailed off, noticing that Ms Smith, the new form tutor, was lying on the ground. And that a small pool of red liquid was slowly growing around her.

‘Oh, dear…’ the care-taker said, taking off his hat. ‘Oh, dear-oh-dear…’

‘How rude of them!’

The spirit of Ms Smith was glaring over at the open window, her hands on her hips. She was the sort of practical-minded person who wasn’t impressed by people making themselves out to be smarter than they actually were. And that included the person who had just ended her life.

The care-taker couldn’t see her, of course. In fact, he turned on his heel and left the room.

IN MY VIEW, RUDENESS IS ONE WAY OF READING IT.

Ms Smith turned. A large, cloaked figure was stood nearby. Very thin sort of chap. Almost skeletal, in fact.

‘It’s the principle of the matter!’ She continued, fussing with the sleeve of her cardigan***. ‘I hadn’t finished my lesson plans; how can a substitute continue without me if they don’t know what curriculum I had laid out?’

USUALLY, replied the figure, PEOPLE DO NOT WORRY ABOUT THOSE THINGS IN THESE CIRCUMSTANCES.

‘Not worry?’ Ms Smith repeated, as if offended by the very thought. ‘Well, maybe some people might, but I have my students to think about! I can’t have their education disrupted just because of a small thing like this.’

MS SMITH?

‘Yes, young man?’

ARE YOU, PERHAPS... AWARE THAT YOU ARE DEAD?

Ms Smith stared at Death.

‘Really?’

I'M AFRAID SO.

‘But I have so much to do! We have new students arriving within the week, and they’ll all need to sorted into classes and dormitories…’

Ms Smith’s form began to fade.

I'M SURE THAT WILL BE TAKEN CARE OF.

‘I really wish they’d just left it a week,’ Ms Smith continued. ‘There’s nothing I hate more than leaving without a proper goodbye.’

IF IT MAKES YOU FEEL ANY BETTER, I'M SURE YOUR STUDENTS WILL NOT BE OFFENDED.

Ms Smith smiled.

‘So… where do I go from here?’

Death couldn’t smile, but the eye sockets of his skull seem to round slightly. He reached out and took Ms Smiths’ hand.

ONWARDS.

* Known to its students by a variety of aliases including “the warblers”, “the finishers”, and -to a few of the more frank-minded girls- “a complete bloody waste of my time”.

** That last one was due to a rather unfortunate incident involving a travelling con-man, one very naïve housemaid and several sentient objects obtained “semi-legally” from within Unseen University. The care-taker would never forget the time he had stepped through the kitchen door, only to be told by the doormat that his left boot was smelling strongly of bird mess and would he kindly get his dirty great feet off my face-.

*** Well, technically it was the spirit of her cardigan, but it was a very good cardigan, after all.

For the moment, let us pan away from the sprawling streets of Ankh-Morpork (over which the sun was now dimly rising) and out over the Sto Plains, where the only things sprawling were the cabbages and their farmers who did not mind a) a strong smell of cabbages attached permanently to their person and b) having no friends.

A carriage was making steady progress down the long dirt road from the Ramtop mountains.

Or, at least, that was the case until two passengers decided that the carriage should stop by the side of the road so they could have a look around. For the seventeenth time.

‘C’mon, gel,’ replied the shorter of the two passengers in question, to a young redheaded girl sat on the seat opposite. ‘You go with Mistress Weatherwax while she looks for herbs.’

The girl let out a sigh, but followed the aforementioned Mistress Weatherwax out of the carriage.

The short lady then turned to the young man sat next to her.

‘Oh, don’t look so serious, lad!’

‘Sorry, nanny.’

She wasn’t actually his grandma, of course. Like many people in the small kingdom of Lacre and its surrounding countryside, Ron Weasley was (in some way he wasn’t sure how) related to Gytha Ogg. He had given up trying to understand the complicated familial relationships, vendettas and petty squabbles that went on within the Ogg clan. All that mattered was that Ron had far too many relatives for his own liking; all of them determined to elbow into each-others’ lives whether the person liked it or not.

Mercifully, Ron was -at most- a distant cousin of the Oggs. Somewhere on his mum’s side, through marriage, apparently. He never was much good at family history. Ron didn’t think he was good at much, to be honest. And his older twin brothers had encouraged this assessment at every opportunity.

Ron had been the odd-job man in his family for as long as he could remember (which, since he was sixteen, wasn’t that long, admittedly). He was the resident boot-maker, cook, baker, carpenter and snow-clearer.

He was also bitterly fed up with his lot.

His parents could tell. The youngest boy of seven children, Ron had always found it difficult to make his own place. To Fred and George, Ron’s place was “off the end of the bench”. Ron didn’t particularly like that place either, so he had asked his parents if he could do something that didn’t involve the jobs no-one else wanted to do at home.

Actually, Ron didn’t mind helping out. He often worked with his second-oldest brother Charlie with hauling carts up to Copperhead. Ron liked this because Charlie didn’t chuck wood chippings at his head like the twins did, and also because the dwarfs were a very straightforward sort of people.

Ron had also started to notice that, after several months of hauling carts up to the mine entrance, the twins had started to avoid chucking things at him. And that his shirts didn’t fit properly anymore.

His parents had seen that it was time for Ron to make his own way in the world, hopefully somewhere he wouldn’t be stuck with half a dozen brothers crowding his style.

So, Ron was being sent to join the Ankh-Morpork City Watch. A sensible profession, he had been told.

‘Now,’ Nanny Ogg said, grinning knowingly. ‘I heard you get a decent bit of money in the Watch. But I don’t want to hear that you’ve been spending half your pay packet over at the Guild of Seamstresses.’

‘Oh, you won’t need to worry, nanny,’ Ron replied. ‘I already know how to darn my socks.’

Nanny chuckled, although Ron wasn’t really sure why. But Ron could feel his mood improve already, which was a good sign. While he was looking forward to seeing the big city, he had also been a little nervous. After all, coming from such a small place as Lacre to city of over a million inhabitants was a big step.

Ginny, on the other hand, was not in such a good mood. She was being sent to a young ladies finishing school. Ron wasn’t entirely sure what a finishing school was, or why a place for young ladies would want Ginny, but he didn’t enquire further. He had spent most of his childhood learning from the twins that asking questions got wood chippings thrown at your head.

‘Oy, Esme!’ Nanny Ogg called out the window. ‘Let me have a talk with Ginny, will you?’

Nanny grinned again at Ron, before leaving the carriage. Ron instantly felt himself sit up straighter as Mistress Weatherwax climbed back into the carriage. Ron had a sneaking suspicion that Nanny was going to be talking to Ginny about the sort of potions that women back in Lancre only alluded to with hushed voices.

‘You packed everything you need, lad?’

‘Yes, Mistress Weatherwax,’ Ron replied, politely.

‘You aren’t going to ignore Ginerva when you’re in the Watch, are you?’

‘No, Mistress Weatherwax. She’s my sister; I’ll make sure to watch out for her.’

Like everyone in the Ramtops, Ron knew that being polite was very important to Mistress Weatherwax. It was a trait that she thought very highly of. Not for herself, but for everyone else to have, of course.

Mistress Weatherwax didn’t smile, but the sides of her mouth did raise slightly. Ron took this as a good sign.

‘I knew exactly what I wanted to be when I was a gel,’ Mistress Weatherwax said. ‘I’m sure Ginerva will too; she’s a bright one.’

Ron nodded.

He hadn’t been expecting for Mistress Weatherwax to give him any advice, but he did wonder whether what she had said was more for his benefit. After all, he knew that he didn’t want to do anything that his brothers had done. Or claimed not to have done, in the twins case.

‘C’mon,’ Nanny Ogg said, as she and Ginny climbed back into the coach. ‘Time to get going, driver!’

To the audible relief of the other passengers, the coach pulled away.

Ankh-Morpork was a sign for sore eyes. And sore ears too. Generally speaking, it was a place for soreness.

The city seemed to grip the surrounding area like a limpet. Ron had imagined wide towers and walls, elegant avenues made of marble. But Ankh-Morpork looked more like what a city spat out. Houses awkwardly cobbled together in a slapdash fashion, streets that seems to cling to the earth beneath like a limpet. A city that looked like it was constantly on guard, just in case someone tried to tell it that it was loitering.

The city seemed to thrive in the outdoors. On every street, people were jostling for position, as well as carts, animals and goodness-knew-what-else. And the smell…

Ginny gagged slightly.

‘Winds in the wrong direction,’ Nanny said, cheerfully. ‘That’s the river for you.’

Ron nodded, patting Ginny softly on the shoulder. She smiled queasily at him.

Eventually, the coach stopped and the two Weasleys followed their guides out of the coach and into a bustling open area. A dirty sign nearby labelled the place as ‘Sator Square’. Ron was already feeling wary, as if someone would make a ploy for his wallet at any moment. Which, given that he hadn’t paid the Thieves Guild rate for that financial year, was very accurate.

About ten minutes later, they managed to break through the crowds and crossed the Bridge of Size, passing across the river (Ginny and Ron making sure to breath only through their mouths and, when that failed, their ears) and into the more respectable Rimward side of the river. Ron really wasn’t sure what made it more respectable, but at least the air didn’t smell so bad.

The four of them headed across Hen and Chicken Field and into a smaller road, eventually coming to a stop outside a large gated building. Sure enough, a well-polished sign on the wall indicated this to be Mrs Chuttington-Warbley’s Finishing School For Young Ladies. A few girls of Ginny’s age were leaning out of windows and eyeing the younger redhead with slightly wary expressions.

‘Bye, Gin,’ Ron said, turning to his sister. ‘I’ll come and see you after my shift finishes tomorrow.’

Ginny smiled. She didn’t hug him, but Ron hadn’t expected her to. He knew she wanted to appear confident and cool in front of any other students that might be watching.

‘Thanks, Ron; see you later, then.’

Ron nodded, and waved as she walked in with Nanny Ogg, who had the letter written by Mrs Weasley addressed to the headmistress.

Feeling as awkward as he always did around Mistress Weatherwax, Ron stood in the road. Mistress Weatherwax didn’t say anything, but muttered something under her breath about ‘city people’.

A few minutes later, Nanny reappeared, grinning.

‘All settled in,’ she said, slapping Ron cheerfully on the arm. ‘C’mon, lad; let’s get you over to the Watch.’

Ron nodded, swallowing nervously.

He followed the two witches down a large avenue, passing several huge mansions and houses of the rich. There were less people here, and Ron got the distinct impression that, if he was ever caught here alone, he would have been asked to move along by some indignant butler*.

Eventually, this avenue ended and the two witches (for whom everyone dodged out of the way, including many who seemed surprised at having done so) veered left onto a large road that stretched back towards the river. Looking behind him, Ron could see that the road stretched all the way to the city wall in the far distance. Judging from the various cartloads of onions clattering along beside him, the road eventually led to Quirm**.

About ten minutes later, the witches and Ron emerged into another huge square, this one having the centrepiece of the Ankh-Morpork Opera House. Skirting around the impressive structure (albeit one which seemed to be missing parts of its roof), the two witches led Ron over to a building nearby. It wasn’t nearly as imposing, but it had a distinct earthiness to it. Like it had more important things to worry about than grandness.

“Watch House”

Ron swallowed, clutching the strap of his small satchel.

‘That’s the Watch house, lad,’ Nanny said, patting Ron cheerfully on the shoulder. ‘In you go.’

‘Oh, right…er…’ Ron said, turning to the two witches. ‘Thank you, Mrs Ogg and Mistress Weatherwax. For bringing me and Ginny down to the city. I really appreciate it.’

Mistress Weatherwax didn’t smile but nodded in reply. Nanny grinned, showing why Lacre was not known for its large index of dentists.

‘You’ll do fine, Ronnie,’ she said. ‘Don’t worry.’

Ron smiled, before turning and entering the Watch House.

He was immediately met by a mass of noise. Everywhere he looked, people were yelling and running back and forth. Representatives of every race on the Disc seemed to be represented, none in a “we are all together” way but instead in more of a “when does our bloody shift finish” situation.

Ron approached a set of desks. A dwarf was sat behind the moth-eaten wood, looking very bored as an irate vampire tried to submit a complaint.

‘I tell you, it’s a disvase,’ the vampire said, hotly. ‘Anyone vould think the place didn’t vant a vampire vorking there. I can work verever I vont!’

‘Yes,’ replied the dwarf. ‘But at Stronginthearm’s Garlic Wholesalers?’

‘That’s discrimination!’

‘What can I do you for, lad?’

Ron jumped slightly. The sergeant sat behind the desk next to the dwarf had a large red face and kind, albeit somewhat dim, eyes that stared over at the young redhead.

‘Er… Acting Constable Weasley,’ Ron said, quickly throwing up a salute. ‘Reporting for duty, sir!’

‘Ah, you’d be that lad down from the mountains,’ the sergeant replied, realisation dawning on his face. ‘Lacre, yes?’

‘Yessir!’

‘Okay… er-’

‘I’ll field this one, Fred.’

A captain had appeared behind the desk. He was enormously tall, and about as wide across the shoulders. He had short red hair and was wearing armour that Ron could see himself reflected in. Ron knew exactly who this was; he was a living legend back in the Ramtops.

‘Okay, Captain Carrot.’

Ron saluted again, feeling just as awkward as he had done the first time.

‘That’s alright, Acting Constable,’ Captain Carrot said, walking round the desk. ‘Please follow me this way for your orientation.’

Ron hurried after him up a staircase and into a room.

‘Tell me,’ the captain said, brightly as he gestured Ron towards a seat and taking the other. ‘How is shaft nine coming along in Copperhead?’

‘Er… I think they’ve almost completed it,’ Ron said, putting his satchel down next to him. ‘My brother Charlie was helping them with the final preparations earlier this week.’

‘Carrot, stop asking him about home.’

Ron felt the temperature of the room drop suddenly. A woman had entered through the door. She was short, with long blonde hair. He knew instinctively that this sergeant was not someone to be trifled with.

Ron swallowed, and stood up again, before saluting.

‘Constable, this is Sergeant Angua,’ Captain Carrot said, smiling.

‘Sergeant Angua is a werewolf, yeah?’

There was silence in the room for a second.

Ron felt a shiver go up his spine as Sergeant Angua turned to look at him. Bollocks. Why couldn’t he have kept his big mouth shut?

However, at that moment, Carrot leaned forward.

‘Care to explain how you noticed, Acting Constable?’

‘Er…’ Ron said, feeling very awkward. He had never felt all that comfortable talking about his thoughts. Generally because the twins usually made sure he felt uncomfortable after doing so. ‘The collar she wears; it’s a type of leather that can expand and retract easily under pressure without breaking, isn’t it? Perfect for having to change between forms on short notice.’

Angua stared at him.

‘Yes…’ she said. ‘That’s right. You’re very perceptive, constable.’

‘Thank you, Sergeant. Er… sorry, I wasn’t trying to be rude.’

Carrot stared down at a piece of note paper that he had pulled from somewhere.

‘You say you’ve got experience with herbs?’

‘Er, yeah,’ Ron said, still feeling Sergeant Angua’s steely gaze on him. ‘I used to help Mistress Weatherwax with collecting things around the countryside.’

Carrot looked up and smiled at him.

‘In that case, I think our forensic division could use you very well. Report to Forensics, and ask for Cheery Littlebottom.’

‘Forensics is a couple of floors up,’ Angua continued. ‘In the old privy.’

Ron awkwardly saluted. He didn’t think he’d ever get used to doing this whenever he had to leave a room.

*This is what is often referred to a “class memory”. It doesn’t have much to do with class, although the people clamouring to use the whips often like to believe themselves to be men of it.

**Ankh-Morpork does use onions in many recipes, but all of them are labelled as “foreign food”, being just foreign enough for the rich to enjoy.

Ron headed up the rickety stairs, until he eventually began to smell something like an old latrine mixed with chemicals. He followed the corridor along, and slowed to a stop before a door labelled ‘Privy’. He was just about to knock when the door swung open.

‘GET DOWN!’

Ron got a brief flash of a bearded face, before he crashed backwards onto the floor. There was a colossal explosion.

Ron waited for the ringing in his ears to fade, before reopening his eyes.

There was now a dwarf lying on his chest.

‘Er…’ Ron said, saluting. ‘Acting Constable Weasley, reporting.’

‘Oh, sorry,’ said the dwarf, before climbing off Ron and helping him to his feet. ‘Experiment went a bit wrong.’

‘No problem,’ Ron replied, as they headed back inside the room. Which did indeed appear to be an out-of-order toilet. ‘Er… are you… Cheery Littlebottom?’

‘That’s me!’ Cheery said, grinning. Ron was suddenly aware that the dwarf was wearing lipstick and eyeliner. ‘I take it you’re the new recruit? I’m not bothered by the title, so you can just call me Cheery, if that’s okay with you?’

Cute.

Ron felt his cheeks flush.

‘S-sure,’ he said.

‘Now, I’m sure Captain Carrot’s explained a few things,’ Cheery said, not seeming to realise Ron’s flustered expression. She pulled a tube of paper out of a pocket on her belt. ‘Used to dealing with herbs in the mountains, by the sounds of it. That’s why you’ve been put with me. Just between us, I’ve never had to manage anyone before; forensics isn’t something most Watchmen know much about.’

‘I’ll do my best,’ Ron said.

Cheery smiled, patting him on the arm. Ron felt goosebumps raise up his arm.

‘So, how’s Copperhead doing nowadays?’ Cheery asked, climbing up and onto a rickety stool nearby. ‘I imagine you probably got grilled by Carrot about it; he’s always enquiring after news of the old place.’

‘Y-yeah,’ Ron replied, sitting down next to Cheery. ‘He’s a bit of a legend back home; we’re pretty caught up with what happens in Ankh-Morpork.’

‘I take it that’s why you didn’t say anything about me being a woman?’

Ron felt his face turn red. Copperhead dwarfs were generally a lot more progressive than some of their contemporaries over in Uberwald, but… well, Charlie had said that the subject of dwarf gender was something of a private matter still.

‘I… I don’t mind!’ he said, quickly. ‘Really! I think it’s brilliant!’

The last thing he wanted was his commanding officer seeing him as some backwards idiot from the countryside. Gender was something Ron had never really understood anyway, so who was he to say what was correct and what wasn’t? This was the century of the anchovy, after all. Or would be, once the astronomers had finally agreed.

‘That’s lovely of you to say; I appreciate it,’ Cheery replied, smiling. ‘Now, new recruits are scheduled to do patrols a few times a week during their orientation period. Get your bags unpacked in the dormitories upstairs and then head over to Uniforms; you need to receive your armour and helmet. I’ve got a few things to finish up here, but I’ll meet you downstairs in the main reception in twenty minutes ’

Ron nodded, before saluting and leaving.

There wasn’t anyone in the dormitory, but he found a bunk with ‘Weezely’ engraved above it*.

Ron packed his scant possessions (a change of clothes and a nightshirt) under the bed and headed downstairs to Uniforms. Mercifully, they had one in his size. It wasn’t very well polished and smelled vaguely of radishes, but Ron didn’t complain. Anything was better than wearing Percy’s old trousers.

Ron was just heading down to the main reception when he rounded a corner and walked straight into someone. Who promptly crashed to the floor.

‘Ow. Lad, you mind watching where you’re going?’

‘S-sorry!’ Ron exclaimed, hurrying forward and helping the man to his feet. He was short, with the bearing of someone who had previously had an awful diet but had finally started eating properly. ‘Are you alright?’

‘I’m fine, lad,’ said the man, wearily. ‘You new here, then?’

‘Er, yes,’ Ron said, before hurriedly saluting. ‘Acting Constable Weasley, sir!’

‘No need to salute,’ said the man, waving his hand. ‘I’m not a lord. You need to go on patrol, I take it? C’mon, I could do with a walk.’

‘But Cheery said-’

‘I’ll leave a note for her,’ said the sergeant, already writing a note and sending it into the pneumatic tubes that seemed to be used as a form of messaging within the Watch House. ‘Don’t worry, lad; I’ll show you the ropes.’

Ron followed the old sergeant out of the Watch house and into the sprawling city streets. Coming from the Ramtops, Ron still felt very shocked by the sights and sounds (not to mention smells) of a city that over a million inhabitants called “home”**.

They crossed Bronze Bridge and into Sheer Street, on the hubwards side of the river. This unfortunately meant that the air smelt of the river, but Ron was already finding that he was growing used to it.

‘No gagging, then?’

Ron shrugged.

‘And before your first day in the city is even finished?’ The old sergeant clapped him on the shoulder. ‘Nice going.’

‘Thank you, sir.’

‘Gotta learn to read the streets, son,’ said the sergeant, now lighting a horrible-smelling cigar and taking a deep draw on it. ‘It’s a dirty old slagheap, but we’re here to keep the peace.’

Ron nodded.

‘I’ll do my best, sir.’

‘That’s all any of us can do, lad. Well, that and learn to use your elbow in a fight.’

Ron nodded again.

‘Not a talkative one, are you.’

‘Sorry, sir.’

‘Where you from, lad?’

‘Lacre, sir.’

‘Huh,’ replied the sergeant. ‘That kingdom in the Ramtops you can spit across?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Don’t worry; Captain Carrot comes from those parts too. Funnily enough, you even look a bit like him.’

Ron nodded, not sure what to say.

As they continued through the streets, Ron became aware that many of the passers-by seemed to recognise the old sergeant, and a few even darted away from him as he passed. Must be a proper old Watchman, then.

‘Is… is Commander Vimes tough?’ Ron asked, hesitantly as the two of them slowed to a stop to stare out over the river. ‘To work for, I mean?’

The sergeant stared at Ron, drawing on his cigar in apparent thought.

‘Hmmm. Yeah, I guess he is, a bit. Mind, between you and me, he’s a bit of a miserable old bastard. But you’ll do fine. You’ve just got to get some experience under your belt.’

‘Thank you. I… I just don’t want to let everyone down.’

The sergeant smiled at him. It wasn’t a particularly cheerful smile, but Ron could tell the sentiment was positive.

‘Excuse me?’ came a voice from somewhere near Ron’s right elbow. He turned.

A girl was glaring up at him. She was roughly Ron’s age, and about half his height, with an enormous mane of bushy brown hair and rather large front teeth.

‘I’m very sorry, Miss…er…’

‘Granger,’ said the girl, quickly. ‘Listen, the Dwarf Bread Museum has been closed for most of the past two weeks; how am I supposed to organise an educational excursion if it never seems to be open anymore?’

Ron stared behind her. Sure enough, a sign labelled “Dwarf Bread Museum” pointed to a small, slightly musty looking building.

‘Miss Granger,’ Ron said, sighing. ‘Have you tried sending a Clacks to Captain Carrot? I believe he often looks after the place on his days off. I’m sure he’d been thrilled to help organise this excursion with you.’

‘I…’ Miss Granger replied, her mouth opening and shutting. ‘I… I didn’t think of that.’

‘Well, there you go.’

The bushy-haired young woman smiled, apologetically.

‘My apologies, I shouldn’t have yelled. I’m a student teacher and I need this exertion to be a success.’

‘No problem,’ Ron said, tapping the side of his helmet and feeling immensely glad that Charlie had once mentioned that fact about Captain Carrot. ‘Happy to help.’

‘Thank you, Constable… er…’

‘Weasley.’

The girl smiled shyly up at him.

‘Constable Weasley, then. Thank you very much.’

‘It’s what I’m here for, Miss Granger.’

The young woman smiled once more and walked away. Ron felt strangely cheerful all of a sudden.

He turned back, to find the old sergeant giving him a very knowing look. This particular look could have held multiple degrees and at least twelve school leaving certificates.

‘What?’ Ron said, his ears turning pink.

The old sergeant grinned.

‘Nothing, just admiring how well you diffused that situation. You really are sure this is your first day?’

‘Er, yeah-’

‘Unlicensed thief!’

The cry had come from just across the street, where a woman was pointing towards a figure who was darting into an alley, holding a handbag that was clearly not their own.

‘Sidney Pickens!’ Exclaimed the Sergeant, throwing the remainder of his cigar into the river***. ‘You get back here right now!’

The sergeant sprinted off after the thief, putting on a burst of speed that wouldn’t have seemed natural coming from a man his age. Ron was just about to follow, when a hand patted him on the arm.

It was Cheery.

‘I see you’ve met Commander Vimes,’ she said, smiling up at Ron. ‘He’s alright. Bit weird but alright. Don’t worry; he’ll catch up with Pickens. C’mon; we’ve had a clacks come through, we’re needed over in Hen and Chickens Field-Ron? Ron, whatever’s the matter?’

Ron’s mouth had fallen open. He was now staring in horror after where the older Watchman had sprinted off.

‘You’re telling me that was… Commander Sir Samuel Vimes?’

‘Yes,’ Cheery replied, looking concerned. ‘Why? What’s wrong?’

Ron shook his head.

It was his first day and he’d already let slip all his worries about joining the Watch to the leader of the entire bloody organisation. Oh, he was never going to live this down…

* Captain Carrot’s doing. Although a very good captain and able to recognise every resident of Ankh-Morpork by name and tax details, the finer points of spelling had always eluded him.

** Actually, most of them referred to it as “a stinking heap”, but it meant the same thing in the end.

*** For any environmentally-minded readers, please rest assured that the river suffered no ill-effects from this. While the cigar did eventually sink through the yellow crust covering the river Ankh, it was quickly dissolved by the lifeless miasma of grease, silt and faeces below.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thanks for reading, everyone! If you enjoyed it, please like, reblog and comment. If you want to be added to the tag list, please let me know.

#'the turtle moves'#crossover #discworld #discworld fanfiction #discworld fanfic #ron weasley #sam vimes #granny weatherwax #nanny ogg #ginny weasley #hermione granger #background romione #carrot ironfoundersson #angua von uberwald #fred colon #cheery littlebottom #cherie littlebottom

30 notes · View notes

midnightghastly · 3 years

Text

Ink Pages pt.1

This is fan fiction that is posted on AO3 by the same name. It features Inkypages/Tintedlenses (Macaque x Tang) Hope you Enjoy!!

https://archiveofourown.org/works/33650371/chapters/83623204

The day was plain, Macaque leaped from roof to roof. It’s been two days since fought with Monkey King and was defeated by Monkie Kid. Furious, he tries to figure out another way to defeat Monkey King. Staying in the dojo wasn’t much help so he decided to get some fresh air.

“Come on, think! What type of weapon is out there that could kill that immortal bastard” - the thought to himself. That’s when he spots Mk running down the streets.

“Now what do we have here.” - he grins, getting a better look at Monkey King’s successor. Mk stops for while, catching his breath.

“*huffing and puffing* C-Can’t be late … gotta get … the package” - Mk says to himself before running off again.

Macaque decides to follow him, waiting to know why he’s in such a hurry. After a while, Mk stops and enters Outdoor Market Place. Macaque stops and makes his way down an alley. It seems like Mk is looking for someone. He sees an opening to attack Mk without anyone knowing.

‘Your mine now’ - he says to himself, preparing to attack.

He gets startled as someone calls out to Mk. Mk turns, smiles, and runs towards the person who called him. Macaque gets irritated. Who dares interrupt him?!

He peeks at the corner and sees … someone … beautiful. Macaque sees the most beautiful human being he’s ever seen. A man with glasses, a red/white coat, and a scarf.

“There you are, Mk! Where have you been?” - the scholar says.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, Mr. Tang. Pigsy gave me more orders to deliver.” - Mk replies with a weak smile.

“Pigsy, Pigsy. He’s giving you way too much work.” He replies, shaking his head in disappointment. Tang pats Mk’s head.

“I’ll talk to him later about your work. He shouldn’t give you so much work. It’s not healthy for a growing boy.”

“You know I’m 22 right? I’m not a kid anymore”. Mk replies, fixing his hair.

“I know but, you’re my kid.” Tang chuckles and wraps his arm around Mk.

Mk and Tang laugh it off, not knowing the shadow monkey observing them

Macaque’s heart can’t stop beating. He looks at Tang, he looks at his body, up and down. It’s perfect, his body is perfect. His skin… it’s smooth and soft. His eyes are beautiful. So is his smile.

“Well, we better go get Pigsy’s delivery. It’s getting late and the market is starting to close. Let’s not keep Pigsy waiting.” Tang says leading the way.

“Yes, sir.” - Mk replies, following not far behind.

Macaque follows them around the market. After a while, he winds up following them back to Pigsy’s. He sees the pig waiting outside, hands crossed and with a frown. Tang and Mk arrive with the package.

“What took you two so long? Do you know what time it is? I’m about to close the store!” - Pigsy scowls.

“Sorry about that, boss. With all the extra deliveries, I arrived at the market late.” - Mk apologies.

Pigsy gives a heavy hump. Tang looks at Pigsy with a glare.

“Pigsy, you can't be angry with Mk, he works extra hard and is the Monkie Kid, fighting DBK and hanging out with Mei and Sandy. Give the kid a break.” Tang says with a sad expression. Mk joins in, making puppy eyes.

“Ya, like a day off?”

“Don’t push it, young man, now go set the package on the counter.” - Pigsy snaps back.

“Ugh, fine.” - Mk makes his way into the shop with a frown.

“Don’t drop it, or you’re fired!” Pigsy yells out.

“You know you can’t fire your only employee, Pigsy.” - Tang replies with a smirk.

Pigsy sighs. “Must you always be a smartass?”

Tang lightly chuckled. His voice made Macaque’s body numb, he felt a sudden heat run through his body.

‘What … am I feeling?’ He thought to himself. He snaps back when he hears Pigsy yelling at Tang!

Macaque could feel something boiling inside of him. Suddenly Pigsy hits Tang on his head, making the scholar fall back.

“You should think twice before saying anything smart, you freeloader!” - Pigsy shouts.

“Ow, that hurt!”

The boiling turns into a flame as Macaque is triggered by this. The Lamppost nearby light suddenly went dark by Macaque’s sudden anger. It startles Pigsy and Tang, Macaque quickly hides in the shadows, not being seen.

“What was that?” - Tang said, concerned.

“Not sure. The bulb must have popped.” - Pigsy replies, reaching a hand out to tang, helping him up. In a single pull, Tang gets up.

“Wow Pigsy, have you been working out? You seem to have gotten stronger, you could almost lift me with one hand.” - Tang smiles on. Pigsy’s face turns red by the sudden compliment and prays he gets from Tang. Macaque notices this and gets even angrier, making him kick a garbage can. Pigsy and Tang suddenly turn in the direction where it came from.

“You head inside, I’m gonna go check it ok?” - Pigsy says patting Tang on his shoulder.

“ Ok, be careful.” - Tang says, heading inside.

Pigsy grabs his broom and heads towards the alley. Macaque quickly hides in the shadows.

“Who’s there? Come on out!” - Pigsy demands.

That’s when a raccoon pops out, startling Pigsy. He shoos it off and it runs off. Pigsy turns back heading inside the shop. From inside, Macaque can hear Tang asking what happened. Pigsy tells him that it was just a raccoon. Macaque makes his way out of the alley but runs back in when he sees a green motorcycle park. A girl gets off and runs off, calling out to MK.

“Mk! There you are! I thought you said we were going to meet at the arcade?!” Mei yells, angry from waiting for an hour.

“Sorry about that, Mei. Had a couple more orders plus had to get a delivery for Pigsy.” - Keeping his head down in shame.

“*sighs* I guess I could let this slide.” Mei looks at Pigsy, “You shouldn’t give so much work to Mk. He works so hard, fighting DBK clones plus training with Monkey King.” Tang gives Pigsy a smirk. “Told you so.” Pigsy opens his mouth but closes it knowing he isn’t winning this argument. Everyone starts bursting into laughter. Macaque focuses on Tang’s voice. Hearing him laugh, warms his heart, it makes him smile. He wants to feel this feeling forever, and more. He wanted to do things, he never imaged he would do. But how could he get close to him when his enemy is near him at all times? Unless … he isn’t his enemy. Not anymore.

“Hey Mk, can I ask you something?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Whatever happened to that weird purple thing that attacked a few days ago?”

“Oh-oh that, um … well uh … Me and Monkey King took care of it. Don’t worry about it. W-why do you ask?”

“Oh no reason, it just, don’t get me wrong but that thing kinda looked like him?”

“W-What no it doesn’t look like him at him at all.”

“He’s right, it looks more like me. ” - a sudden voice enters the conversation. Standing in the door was Macaque, hands on his hips and a smirk on his face.

Everyone but Mk has confused looks. This guy looks like Monkey King but is very different from him, besides appearance. Macaque looks at Tang and gives a small wave. Mk quickly takes out his staff and stands in front of his friends.

“What are you doing here?!” - Mk yells at him.

“Wow, easy there kid. I just wanted to stop by and say hello to my favorite student.” -Macaque replies with a grin on his face.

“I’m not your student, not get out of here before I knock that smudge clean off your face.” - Mk threatens back. Pigsy can see the look on Mk’’s face, anger, and fear.

“How did you know I was here?” - Mk demands.

“I saw you at the market,” Macaque leans over, looking directly at Tang. “With your cute friend back there.”

Tang feels uncomfortable by the sudden flirting the demon is giving him. Without a second thought, Pigsy stands next to Mk, ready to fight. Mei joins in.

“Leave this place Macaque or else.”

“Ya! Leave you Monkey King Imposter!”

“Easy there. At least here me out-”

“I don’t need to hear anything from you. You just can’t come in and threaten my friend like that.”

“Threaten? Now, why would I threaten a cutie like him.” Macaque winks at Tang, angering Pigsy.

“Get out of my shop, Now!”

“Mk!” A sudden shout comes from behind Macaque. Wukong walks in, looking at the ground, not noticing Macaque.

“You left your-” he sees Macaque. “Jacket…” There was a long silence between them.

“Monkey King! Nice to see you again, ‘bud’. ” - Macaque chuckles. Wukong drops Mk’s jacket and launches himself at Macaque, violently pinning him by the throat on the wall.

“How dare you come back! You didn’t get the memo, to leave us alone.” Wukong takes the staff from Mk.

“Looks like I’ll have to get rid of you myself.”

Tang, not far from the demon monkeys sees what is about to happen. Not a fan of violence plus not wanting Pigsy ‘s shop to end up destroyed, he speaks out.

“Wait!” - Tang yells out, making Wukong and Macaque turn and look at him.

“I’m not sure what exactly happened between you three but clearly violence doesn’t solve anything. If we want him to leave, we should at least hear him out, despite his” Tang gives Macaque a worried glare “odd approach towards us.”

Macaque smiles.

“See, he gets it.” Macaque turns into a shadow, freeing him from Wukong’s grasp. He makes his way to Tang, appearing behind him.

“Tang!” - Pigsy yells out.

“Cutie here knows how to treat an alley.” Macaque places his hands on his shoulders leaning his head on Tang’s shoulders. Wukong quickly grabs Tang, yanking him away from Macaque. Tang gets behind Wukong.

“Keep your filthy hands away from him!”

Macaque snarls at Wukong for taking his price away from him.

Mei interrupts “What do you mean by alley?”

“Ya, spill.”

Macaque looks at Tang, stops, and takes a quick breath. “Ahem, as I was saying.” He looks at Wukong.

“I want to redeem myself.”

#inkypageshipping #tintedlensesshipping #tang sanzang #six eared macaque #inkpages

32 notes · View notes

rebellconquerer · 3 years

Text

Another prompt fill, this time for @woobeau and the prompt "what if I kissed you right now". I hope you like!

"Sarah! How lovely to see that you could make it, and you brought the Sergeant as well… how nice." Abigail's voice is like nails on a chalkboard. Sarah doesn't even twitch at it, just turns smoothly from where she is gathering the trays of baked goods from the car, a polite smile painted on her face.

"Hello, Abigail. Yes, of course, I wouldn't miss this. The boys were both so excited about it." Sarah says brightly. Ice wouldn't melt in her mouth.

Abigail makes a face at the use of her full name. Sarah knows that she prefers being called Abby, but then again Abigail knows that Sarah prefers her name to stay out of her mouth and yet still here she is, hand playing gently in her blond hair, fake smile in place.

They both stand facing each other, eyes flat for a moment before James approaches them. Sarah sees him over Abigail's shoulder and watches him roll his eyes, making a lightning fast funny face for her benefit before he clears his throat.

Abigail turns around slowly, smile going much too warm as she adjusts her hair.

"Hey there, stranger! Long time no see!" Abigail says, swaying towards him.

It's Sarah's turn to roll her eyes.

James gives her his 'I'm too polite to say fuck off' smile and a head nod.

"Abby," he mutters in greeting. "Why not let me get those, Sarah?" He says, stepping in between the two of them and grabbing the last few trays before walking off again.

Sarah watches Abigail stare at his ass. She turns, slamming her trunk loud enough to grab Abigail's attention.

"So nice to see him out and about down here." Abigail says to her, eyes still staring after James.

Sarah shoulders her bag and refuses to roll her eyes again. "So you mentioned, Abigail." She replies, heading into the school while high heeled footsteps follow behind her.

"We are going to have you assigned to table 14 with Leslie, his daughter is in 4th grade, that's where the sweets and drinks will be sold." Abigail chatters.

A school fair wasn't something that she had much experience with as a kid in public school, but she's gotten used to the private school life and the strange rituals it seemed to entail. Not to mention the strange people.

"Sounds good," Sarah replies, trying to get the woman to move along. She sees James has already located the right table, a small tower of baked goods piled high on a ugly, green table cloth. As she approaches he looks up from conversation with an older man with kind eyes and greying temples.

Sarah smiles distractedly as she approaches.

"You must be Sarah. Leslie." The man says, standing to shake her hand while Abigail continues to hover.

"How long will you be in town this time, Bucky?" Abigail asks with a wide smile.

"Oh not long probably. A week or so."

"And Sarah has you here working, no one around to show you a good time? You really should take me up on that offer of dinner. I know a little place right on the water that's just to die for." Abigail continues, leaning into James' space.

Sarah watches his smile go a little stiff. She turns her back to them, focusing on unpacking her little stand while Leslie watches the conversation with a look of sick fascination on his face.

"Thanks, Abby. Yeah, one of these times..." James mutters, trailing off as an uncomfortable silence starts creeping in.

One of the other mother's calls out to Abigail just then and she has to move along, apologizing (only to James) for cutting their conversation short and promising to pick it back up later.

The moment she's out of hearing range, Leslie turns to James. "I honestly thought she was going to whack you in the head and drag you off to her Prius. I was kinda interested to see if you were gonna be beating her off with a broom."

Sarah can't help the boisterous laugh that escapes her at that sentence and the absolute horror that dawns on James' face.

"I like you." Sarah says, eyeing Leslie. He shrugs.

"I call 'em like I see 'em, and that was one hell of a mating ritual. You think she's in heat? I think she's in heat." Leslie replies easily, helping to organize the table.

Sarah glances over her shoulder to see James pinching the bridge of his nose.

"You okay there, soldier?" She asks, laughter clear in her tone.

James glares at her. "And see, if I tell her to shove her dinner invite I'm anti-social and demonstrating maladaptive behaviors. I'm gonna go find the boys. Hopefully they’re far away from her." James mutters the last bit before turning and stalking off.

Sarah glances up to see Leslie staring after him, eyes most definitely focussed on his ass.

"Really? You too? I thought Abigail said you were married." Sarah huffs.

Leslie does not look the least bit called out. "Yeah, married not dead… and even if I was dead I think I'd sit up and say yes sir to that behind."

Sarah shoots him a dirty look, it takes a fraction of a second but Leslie clocks something in her expression.

"Oh my god! I'm so sorry! I didn't realize he was spoken for. Why the hell didn't you scratch Abby's eyes out for staring at him like a slab of meat?" Leslie questions, face contrite.

Sarah purses her lips. "So I can be told I'm an angry black woman? I think not. Abigail and I have enough history without me going postal on her for making eyes at a man who'll never give her the time of day."

Leslie grins at that, wide and feral. "So he is spoken for then? You and him? Lord have mercy, do you have enough friends? Could you have more? I could have lived my whole life without seeing a man that fine in person. Tell me you're just dying to share some details with a group of girlfriends." Leslie says in a manic rush, words coming fast but with a lazy drawl.

Sarah laughs again, flopping into one of the chairs right as Leslie does as well.

"You really just say whatever is on your mind, don't you?" She asks, with a sidelong glance.

Leslie shrugs. " My husband calls it verbal diarrhea. Says it's endearing."

Sarah smiles at the honesty on his face. This man is clearly totally comfortable with who he is. She wasn't lying, she does like it.

"It definitely won't be boring, that's for sure." She responds and Leslie huffs out a small laugh.

**********************************

The rest of the booths are set up over the course of the next hour, the indoor gymnasium being transformed into a food hall as the outdoor field becomes a fair, complete with rides of questionable safety, clowns and screaming children.

The school puts on this fair once a year, ostensibly to raise money for extracurriculars, but Sarah thinks it's really an excuse for the parents to have a culturally appropriate dick measuring contest. She was over it within 5 minutes of being here the first year the boys started, but she will not let them feel, for even one moment, like they don't belong here as much as every other child. So, here she is, polite smile plastered on her face and socially acceptable conversation topics at the ready.

She hadn't even invited James, not really, but Sam got called away and James had mentioned he'd be at the base for a few days and wanted to see her and when Sarah had mentioned she had to do this, he'd just invited himself right along. He'd been to a few other school events before and if it gave him some time with her and the boys, he said it was worth it.

She glances around and spots him clearly trying to disengage from a conversation with Abigail and her flock of desperate housewives. It's almost amusing watching from across the room as James continues with his polite but distant 'fuck off' smile. Within a few minutes he orchestrates his escape and makes a beeline straight for her.

She smiles as he drops into the chair Leslie vacated moments ago, back to his admirers.

"Having fun?" She questions lightly, it's joking but also very real. He still doesn't like… well… people, and sometimes he needs to just leave. All he does is smile tiredly at her, however.

"I don't remember women being this aggressive in the 40s. Did I just miss it? I used to have to work for this kind of attention." He mutters, leaning over to steal a cupcake from the table. She scowls at him, but can't be bothered to slap his hand away.

"Oh please. I've seen pictures of you before the war. I don't believe that for one second." She mumbles.

That brings a slow, dangerous smile to his lips."Sarah! Are you trying to tell me you think I was pretty?"

She bites the inside of her cheek to prevent an answering smile. "Was, is. Don't fish for compliments. There are whole internet forums dedicated to deciding which version of you is prettiest, 1940s you or 2020s you. But hey, if you really wanna hear it said, I'm sure Abigail would love to wax poetically about any number of your virtues, probably starting with your ass." She replies dismissively.

His smile starts to verge into smirk territory. "Whoever said anything about my ass? Maybe you're projecting, Sarah?" He asks, eyes flicking obviously down to her mouth.

She shakes her head lightly in laughter, leaning just a bit away from him. She needs just a little breathing room before the full effect of Bucky Barnes flirting with her starts to get to her head.

"I think the number of people who have stared at it today speaks for itself." She mumbles, attending to her next customer, trying to ignore that she can feel him staring at her, his entire attention on her in that way that he has.

She glances over at him as the kid and his mother leave her stand. "What?"

"You know I've told Abby and her troupe no in a couple different languages at this point, but there is something I haven't tried yet." He whispers to her, leaning into her space again.

Sarah flicks her eyes over James' shoulder and she can see Abigail staring at them.

"Oh yeah? What's that?"

His face gets a little more serious, the wattage of his smile turning down a little as his eyes flick down to her lips. She watches him take a deep breath and lick his own lips before he speaks, the motion sending a jolt of heat to her core.

"What if I kissed you right now?"

The question stuns her and she pulls in a sharp breath. "Here?" She squeaks.

"In front of God and all his angels." James replies, eyes coming back up to meet hers. "Think she'd get the message then?"

He's leaning in even closer, just on the wrong side of social decency and she can smell his cologne, something dark and earthy, mixed with the leather of his jacket and gloves. It's heady, almost intoxicating.

A part of Sarah wonders if he's joking. They aren't dating publicly or anything and so yeah, he follows her around a bit, but they could be friends, friends do that. But she meets his gaze and there is no hint of humor in them. The gears of her mind start to turn a mile a minute. Is this his way of saying he wants them to be more public? To have more borders than whatever 'definitely a thing' means. Or maybe he really is just giving Abigail the shake? Sarah suddenly feels like she's back in high school.

She sways in towards him, the move automatic, before she catches herself and pulls back a little.

"Um, that's probably not a great idea." She manages to whisper back, her own eyes straying to his mouth. "Probably wouldn't deter her too much and then she'd hate me even more than she does now. She's the umm… president of the PTA you know, dangerous enemy to have. Plus someone might get a shot of us, then that's in the magazines and there goes peaceful Delacroix."

Most people here don't know exactly who he is, but someone might, so she's not wrong. Still the mumbled excuses are just that, excuses. She whispers them instead of the truth, which is that if she's kissing him in public she wants it to be because they both really want to and are ready to.

The intensity of his gaze doesn't change, even while he leans away from her again, back into a socially acceptable distance. She can read nothing from his face about how he took her denial.

"Fine, but I'm keeping track. I'm exacting one kiss for every innuendo I have to suffer through." He murmurs and that draws a shocked laugh from her.

"Fair enough." She responds and the dark promise of the smile he gives her as he stands is enough to send her pulse soaring.

The moment he's gone, Leslie comes wandering back, eyes once again focused on James walking away.

"Holy crap, the two of you have enough heat to warm a small Canadian town." He says, dropping into the seat James just vacated.

Sarah starts to reorganize the line of snack sized juices on the table, attempting to ignore him.

"I don't know what you are talking about. You're the only one that has even noticed that we aren't just friends." She mutters. She sees Leslie shrug in her peripheral vision.

"Most people don't see chemistry anywhere they don't expect it. I'm a photographer. I spend half my time trying to get people to fake what the two of you are just dripping."

She smiles softly. She doesn't know why, but the fact that this man, this stranger, sees what she feels from James is… nice. Reassuring somehow.

"It may sound a little strange, but… thank you for that." She replies, unable to maintain eye contact.

Leslie just shrugs again, joining her in her unnecessary task of reorganising their wares.

"People don't always see the chemistry between me and my husband either." He says softly.

There is silence for a moment.

"Then again, if my husband looked at me in public the way that man just looked at you I'd be giving all the kiddies a real detailed sex ed lesson, right here on this table. You are a stronger woman than I, Sarah." Leslie says with a giggle.

Sarah smiles softly in response. Yes, yes she is.

#prompt fill #writing prompts #bucky x sarah fic #ficlet #sarah x bucky #sarahbucky #Bucky Barnes #tfatws #sarah wilson #rebellwrites #fleur de louve

21 notes · View notes

seungmoroll · 4 years

Text

Heather | Lee Minho

Word count: 3.8k

Genre: one-sided love au, slight angst, mentions of Weki Meki Doyeon

A/N: this is the second part to the Heather series. you can read the others here. I hope you guys enjoy reading!

“Fergalicious def-

Fergalicious def-

Fergalicious definition make the boys go crazy

They always claim to know me

Comin’ to me, callin’ me Stacey –“

“What the heck are you doing?” That’s when the broom you’re holding drops.

Clutching your chest, you look at the owner of the voice with a shocked and embarrassed face. “Gosh, Minho. You can’t interrupt someone when they’re in the middle of a concert.”

Sniggering, “Concert my butt, you sounded like a train going off its rails.” You glare at him as he leans against the doorway, giving you his signature smirk. “You know, you’re supposed to attract customers, not scare them away right?” Grabbing the closest thing to you, you throw and wet rag at Minho, who manages to dodge it.

“There are no customers, we’re closed anyways. Did you finish cleaning everything in the front?” You had applied to your local boba shop six months ago in need of money, but not only did you get money out of it, you got a co-worker who annoyed you every chance that he got.

“Yep, everything is all spick and span. Practically shining like my visuals.” Rolling your eyes at him, you go and put the broom up, ready to lock the doors to the shop.

Minho waits out in the front for you, taking selfies on his phone with his crazy snow app filters. “Took you long enough. Got so bored waiting for you I had to take selfies.” Whacking the back of his head, you turn around to lock the doors. “I wasn’t even gone for long, you’re just impatient.” Putting the keys up in your bag, you turn back towards Minho, but your vision becomes white as the flash of his phone goes off. Showing you his phone screen, he says, “Look, you’re a strawberry.” Thinking you look hideous, you tell him to delete it, in which he responds with a laugh.

“We should get going, don’t want you to miss your bus.” Looking at the time on your phone, you see that you have 10 minutes until your bus arrives, but the bus stop was a 5-minute walk from the boba shop, so you and Minho began your mini trek. Minho actually had a car, but whenever you guys worked the night shift together, he always made sure to walk you to your stop, not wanting anything bad to happen to you. The first few times he offered to walk you, you told him that he didn’t need to, but he didn’t listen anyways. So eventually you gave up on telling him he didn’t have to, and it became routine for you guys.

This night happened to be particularly windy, but you didn’t have a jacket, so you decided to endure the wind for a few extra minutes, but you guess that Minho had notice your slight shivers because he pulled out his sweater from his backpack and handed it to you. “Aigoo, what would you do without me?” You try to give back his sweater, telling him that you didn’t need it because your bus was coming soon anyways. “Now Y/n, I’m just trying to be a gentleman and you won’t let me. How sad, but seriously though, just take it. You can always give it to me tomorrow.” Hesitantly, you retreat your arm holding the sweater, and hold onto to it, waiting for you to arrive to the bus stop to put it on.

“You know, I don’t mind driving you home after work, right?” You did know, but you didn’t want to hassle him, plus you enjoyed the time you spent on the bus. It gave you time to yourself to think about your day, and more importantly, it gave you time to daydream about Minho.

“I know, I just don’t think I could survive more than 10 minutes after work with you.” Gently pushing with his body, he chuckles. “What do you mean? I think it’s a blessing you get to spend extra time with me.”

Giving him a side eye, you say to him, “You think too highly of yourself. Someone needs to knock you down from your pedestal.”

“Give it all you got, but you can’t knock me down from my high horse.” That was something about Minho that made you like him. He wasn’t afraid to be himself, even if it meant that he arrogant, scratch that, he wasn’t arrogant, it’s more like he was confident in himself; it was just that he has an arrogant, beautiful face.

By the time you’ve reached the bus stop, your bus was already there. Not wanting to miss it you quickly run towards it, bidding Minho a goodbye. As the bus starts to drive, you see Minho’s retreating figure, and hold onto his sweater a little bit too hard.

The next day.

“Oh hey Y/n.” Looking up, you see one of your favorite customers, who just so happens to be one of your very good friends.

“Hi Doyeon, you here for your usual?” Doyeon often came by the boba shop after her dance lessons once you started working there, so you ended up memorizing her order pretty quickly. However, this time around, she seems to be acted a bit odd, eyes not meeting yours, but instead watching, no looking, for something or someone behind you. Before you could ask her, Minho comes up behind you, bringing a finished drink for another customer. Once he’s given the customer their drink, he sees Doyeon and says hi to her.

“Hey Doyeon, how was dance practice? You getting your usual today?” You watch as she shyly tucks her hair behind her ear and fiddle with her bag. “Practice was great, but so tiring, and I was thinking of getting something different this time. Got any recommendations?” Your eyes slowly drift to Minho and see that he’s got that look on his face that you’re afraid of.

“I got the perfect drink for you. This will give me the chance to make a new drink that’s not on the menu. Don’t worry it’s on the house.” He immediately heads to make the drink as you yell out to him, “Nayeon said you can’t keep giving away free drinks!” You don’t see it, but you know he stuck his tongue out at you. Turning your attention back to Doyeon, you see that she’s already slid a five-dollar bill on the counter, and before you could object, she urges you to take it.

“Like you said, he can’t keep on giving away drinks. Hey, if you’re free, want to sit down and catch up?” You motion to the empty shop and say, “I think I have some time.”

Once Minho comes out with Doyeon’s drink, he patiently waits beside you as the two of you watch her take a sip of it. Her face doesn’t look like she’s disgusted with it, so you ask Minho what he made. ”It’s ube milk tea with cheese foam.”

“It’s actually really good, thanks Minho.”

Pumping his fists in the air, he lets out a cheer. “Yes, now if you two need me, I’ll be in the back, admiring pictures of my cats.” After he heads to the back room, you motion for Doyeon to pick and table to sit at and follow her.

“So Y/n,” you watch as she slowly takes a sip of Minho’s drink, “Anything new in your life? Perhaps a new romantic interest?” Surprised by her question, you frantically shake your head no, sputtering on your own drink.

“Me? Love interest? You know I don’t have time for that.” Too be honest, that was a lie, you and Doyeon both knew that, but you weren’t going to admit to her that you had feelings for Minho. “What about you? Anyone catch your eye?”

She fumbles with the plastic lid as she shyly admits to you, “Maybe.” Eyes wide, you urge her to tell you. “Maybe? C’mon you have to tell me. Do I know them? Oh my gosh, I do know them. Is it Bang Chan? Please tell me it’s not Bang Chan, I heard that he finally got with someone.”

Nodding her head no, she says, “No it’s not Bang Chan, plus I already knew that. I was there at the outdoor movie when I saw them together.” Wanting for her to continue, you give her your best puppy dog eyes, but her response isn’t what you were looking for, “I’m sure it’s just a fleeting crush, it doesn’t really matter who it is.”

Not wanting to push any further, you respond, “Okay, if you’re sure, just know if you want to talk about it, I’m here for you.”

“See, that’s what I like about you Y/n. You always offer your time and advice to people. That’s why I’m surprised you’re not taken yet.”

You scoff at her statement, “You’re surprised? I’m surprised you aren’t, like you’re beautiful, talented and you have a great personality.”

Sighing, she says, “I could say the same about you. I guess we’ll just be lonely together.”

Just then, the door opening alerts you of new customers. Getting up from your seat you head back to the counter. Doyeon gets up as well and bids you a goodbye, explaining that she should get home. Waving Doyeon a goodbye, you focus your attention to the newly arrived customers, three boys that come to the shop often.

Once you and Minho had began to close up the shop, it started pouring outside. “Great, it’s raining, and I left my umbrella at home.” Minho sneaks up behind you, peering out the window, “Let me drive you home, you shouldn’t be walking out in the rain.” Turning around and trying your best not to redden from the sudden closeness between his body and yours, you say to him, “I don’t want to bother you. You can just drop me off at the bus stop.”

“Nope, no can do. If you get in my car, it’s to take you home, not to the bus stop.” You look between him and the window, contemplating your decision, “Oh c’mon Y/n, you can’t seriously be contemplating your choices right now. Me driving you home for one night can’t be the worst thing in the world.” The look you give him makes him think otherwise.

In the end you agree to let him take you home. The two of you quickly run out from underneath the awning into Minho’s car, laughing as you try not to get soaked, which you ultimately did because Minho had left his umbrella in his car. Once the two of you were seated in Minho’s car, he had turned up the heat and reached in the back to grabbed something. Emerging from the back, he hands you a shirt. Eyes going back and forth from the shirt and him, you give him a confused look, “Your shirt’s soaked and I don’t want you to catch a cold.”

“One, my house is only a 20-minute drive from here, and two, I won’t be changing in front of you.” He rolls his eyes at you, which you realize is a common action between the two of you. “One, can’t you see I’m trying to be nice, and two, I’ll close my eyes,” he says, mocking you. Taking the shirt, you mumble, “You better.” Once you’re sure his eyes are closed, you change into his shirt, and then flick his head to let him know you’re done. Looking down at the shirt, you question what’s on it.

“It’s from back when I was in high school. I usually wear it out to the gym.”

“Minho, I swear-“

“Don’t worry, it’s clean…I think.” Secretly taking a whiff of his shirt while he reverses out of the parking spot, you smell the fragrance of his car and a hint of his…cologne?

“Minho, why does this shirt smell like febreze?”

Shrugging, “I prefer it over cologne.”

You chose not to question it any further. ‘Electric Love’ is playing softly through the speaker as you look at the window, watching the raindrops race each other on the window. Snicker escapes from Minho, “Is this what you do on the bus? Act like you’re in a sad music video?” Turning your head, you glare at him, “No…maybe, just sometimes. It’s more like I daydream while looking out the window.”

“Ah, Y/n is a little daydreamer. Hmm, I wonder what they could possibly be daydreaming about? Maybe…someone they like?” Your eyes widen from his last question. It made you wonder if he knew about your crush on him. ‘Impossible, I’m not that obvious. Am I?’ Speechless, you try to find something to say, “What? No. Nope. Not at all.”

Stopping at a red light, Minho turns to you with a smirk on his face, “So you do daydream about someone you like.” You smack him in the chest causing him to laugh. “Don’t worry I won’t ask who. Though I’m sure it’s me because who could resist me?” ‘Huh. You’re not wrong.’

You scoff at him, “In your dreams Lee Minho.”

“Oh? How’d you know?” Though you may sometimes act like he annoys you, you really enjoy the playful banter between the two of you. He was the first person you were able to get comfortable with at CuTea because of his playfulness, and for that you were thankful for him. Even though you wished you were more, you were happy to say he was your friend.

“So how do you and Doyeon know each other?” That’s odd, of all the times Minho has met Doyeon, he’s never asked about her.

“We went to high school together. We were in the school play together and after we graduated, we kept in touch.” To be honest, out of all your high school friends, she was the only one you kept in touch with. Everyone else seemed to have started their new lives, and you just weren’t a part of that, but you didn’t mind. Doyeon was enough anyways.

“I see. Is she…dating anyone?” His question catches you off guard. A wave of apprehensiveness overcomes you as you watch him focus on driving. Wondering why her could be asking about her status, unless…

“She’s single.” You work the nerve to ask the simple question you’re afraid to hear the answer to, “Why?”

“Just curious that’s all. Of all the times I’ve eavesdropped on your conversations she’s never mentioned anyone.” His answer leaves you unsettled, but you don’t want to push any further in attempt to avoid getting your feelings hurt. You don’t bother to respond to him, leaving the two of you riding in a slightly uncomfortable silence, sans the music and the rain.

By the time you arrive at your house, the rain has stopped pouring. Minho pulls up to the driveway, and before you can begin to speak, he tells you, “Keep the shirt, I got plenty at home.” All you can do is simply nod. Once you’re out the car, you turn around to see if he was leaving, but you see Minho motion for you to get in your house before he can leave. When you get inside your house, you peek out the window and watch as his car drives away.

Heading straight to your room, you plop into your bed. The unsettling feeling is still there, but once you’ve showered and done your nighttime routine, you choose to ignore it. Slumber takes over you, the second you hit your bed, and if anyone were to ask, you only slept in Minho’s shirt because it was comfortable, not because it smelled like him.

A few days later.

“Hey, Y/n.” Minho calls out to you as you’re making a drink. “I got plans tonight, so my shifts ending earlier than usual. You can walk to the bus stop by yourself, right?” Nodding your head, you tell him that you’ll be fine, though you’re curious about his plans since this was the first time since you’ve started working here that he’s left early, so you ask him about it, “What plans could you possibly have tonight?”

Leaning against the counter, he says to you, “I got a date.” The spoon you’re holding drops from your hand onto the ground, and you scatter to pick it up. Minho’s laughter fills your ears as he watches you. “Dang Y/n, is the idea of me going on a date that surprising?”

Stuttering, you say, “N-no, not at all. You’re you, so of course you’d be going on a date.” Your sentence fades as it goes on, and a slight blush is now forming on your face.

“I’m pretty sure that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.” Playfully bumping him with your hip, you go back to the front and give the waiting customer their drink.

Hearing the bell to the door, you see Doyeon come in wearing a pretty white flowy dress, “Wow Doyeon, you look gorgeous.” Looking at the clock on the wall, you notice it’s two hours early for Doyeon to be here. “No practice today?” Shaking her head no, she explains, “Thank you Y/n, and no, the instructor wanted to give us a break.”

Nodding, you ask, “So why’re you all dressed up?”

“Actually-“

“Oh hey, I didn’t know you were here. Just give me a second and we can head out.” Looking between Doyeon and where Minho disappeared to, you make the small connection. Focusing your attention back on Doyeon, you slowly ask, “You’re going out with Minho?”

Noticing the small blush on her face, she shyly answers, “Yeah, he asked me out the other day after practice.” It must’ve been when you took your day off, you realize. You wonder why neither of them told you beforehand.

Maybe that’s why he’s been so distracted these past few days.

“Oh, I see...is he the one you were talking about the other day, and do you know where he’s taking you?”

“Uh, yeah, he is. He’s taking me to this little Italian restaurant. We wanted to get to know each other better, so we’re just going to talk over dinner.”

“You ready?” Minho is no longer wearing his apron and black t-shirt, he’s now clad in a white t-shirt with a black leather jacket, hat hair gone.

“Yeah, just making small talk with Y/n.” You watch as he finally takes his attention off Doyeon and focuses it on you. Acting like your usual self, you roll your eyes at him and say, “You better treat her right. If I hear of anything bad, I’m going to spit boba from a straw at your car.”

Placing a hand on your head and gently shaking it around, he says, “I preferred if you didn’t, but you don’t have to worry about anything. I’ll make sure she’s treated like a princess.” His attention goes back to Doyeon, who displays a flushed face.

‘I want you to treat me like a princess.’

Checking the watching on his wrist, Minho says, “We should get going if we want to make the reservation.” He walks up to Doyeon and before they head out the door, he turns back around, “You’ll be okay with closing, right?”

Nodding your head, you shoo the pair away, “Yes, don’t worry about me, I have Nayeon. Go have fun.” Minho gives you his signature playful wink and heads out with Doyeon. You don’t miss the way their hands shyly intertwine as they make their way to his car. Pitifully sighing, you clean the counter to distract yourself from your sad thoughts. You should be happy for them, Minho seemed like he was really happy, and so did Doyeon, but you couldn’t help but wish that you were in her place instead.

Even though cleaning was supposed to distract you, you couldn’t help but let your thoughts consume you.

‘Of course Minho likes Doyeon. She’s prettier than me. She’s Ms. Popular. She’s got the kindest soul. She’s everything a guy wants in a partner. I’m just plain me. Minho wouldn’t want me.’

Your thoughts are interrupted when the bell to the door alerts you of a new customer. As he approaches the counter, he asks you, “Are you okay?” You didn’t realize that there were tears falling down your face, so you quickly turned around and said to them, “Oh, yes. Could you give me a second?” Quickly making your way to the back room, you grab a tissue to wipe your tears and take a moment to recollect yourself. Your manager managed to catch a glimpse of you, and walked up to you asking, “Hey what’s wrong?” Waving her off, you tell her it’s nothing.

“It doesn’t have to do with the fact that Minho just walked out with a pretty girl, does it?” A sob comes out of your mouth, “Gosh, I look so pathetic. I’m crying over Minho, when I never even had a chance.” She gentle gathers you in her arms and gives you a tight squeeze, “You’re not pathetic, you’re human.” Enjoying her embrace for a bit, you remember that there’s a customer waiting outside for you. Breaking the warm embrace, you go to clean your face again, “I got to go, there’s a customer outside.”

“No, I’ll take their order, why don’t you go home early?”

Shaking your head no, “Then you’ll have to close the shop by yourself. I’m fine, Nayeon. Anyways, if I left early, I’d just be wallowing in sadness at home.” Doing one last check up on your face, you make your way back to the front. Luckily, for the business the customer is still there, but unfortunately for you, he saw you crying.

“Sorry about that, what can I get for you?” It takes him a moment to respond, and when he does, it’s not an answer to your question.

“Are you sure you’re okay?” The look he gives you is full of genuine concern, and that’s when you finally realized that you’ve seen this customer before. You couldn’t remember his name, even though he came quite a bit often with his two friends.

“Oh, please don’t worry about me, I’m fine. It’s just allergies.” ‘Allergies, really Y/n? Is that all that you could come up with?’

A small chuckle comes from the customer, “Allergies…sure. If you say so. Well I do hope these allergies stop because someone as pretty as you shouldn’t be crying.”

‘Oh. That was quite bold.’

“Yeah, I thought tonight I should be a bit bolder than usual.”

Cringing you ask, “I said that aloud didn’t I?”

“Yep.” Before he could add anything else, you ask him for his order, even more embarrassed than you were before. He orders a winter melon milk tea with tapioca, and when you ask for his name, he says,

“Jisung.”

A/N: I'm sure that wasn’t the ending you guys were expecting right? maybe it’s a little hint😏 I hope you guys are enjoying the Heather series so far, let me know what you guys think of it! Also, who do you guys think are the “Heathers” of kpop?

177 notes · View notes

im-just-trying-to-get-bi · 3 years

Note

takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay wit' you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay wit' you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...?

(Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A

masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40

stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give

the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell

me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of

a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it

hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten?

FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world

anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast

it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a

tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's

okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I

said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So

you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very

clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless

us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

Omg

3 notes · View notes

phenomenal1500 · 3 years

Text

The Blood In My Veins | Black Sails

Chapter 34: A Lion's Den

For Chapter 33: Fuego Del Calor click here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

My cold body shivered and I smiled as I felt a warm hand on my bare arm, knowing it was the one from the blue eyed man sitting down behind me.

I was happy to see that we succeeded, but what I didn't want to think about was climbing the even bigger ship than the one we set on fire.

~~~

(POV Charles Vane)

With my boot leaning onto the higher side of the railing of the ship, I watched the light turquoise sea as my mind went to Naida. It had been a few days after sailing into the dark horizon and her wound was healing better now she had rest. The only thing that concerned me now was the fact that it was getting visible that she was carrying my child.

I could have expected it.

She should be around three months by now and I noticed I was getting even more protective over her. My fear went towards her safety and health and it affected my mood a lot. Besides all that, the men of Teach started to know about her and the kid which wasn't an amazing thought either. Perhaps Teach was right. I definitely changed in a good way which I didn't mind, just, it also gave me something to lose and that uncomfortable feeling bottled up every time I saw the woman I loved.

I was pulled out of my thoughts when Teach walked towards me and stood upright, looking down at me.

Wind's in our favor. Should be arriving in Ocracoke in three days' time."

I nodded at Teach and right away felt the feeling he was going to tell me another story because of the strange silence.

"My fourth wife. Constance.... a sweet girl, bright, but she had her notions. Cricket in the house means good luck, a moth in the house, bad. And the bed.... Jesus the bed. No hats on it, no brooms near it, nor any clothes in it that were worn outdoors. Any violation of this brought great misfortune. I mean, for an otherwise sane woman, she had these pockets of complete and thorough madness within her. Although, it's been six years since I've seen her face.... to this day, if I.... if I see a broom by a bed, I have to move it."

I raised an eyebrow at the man standing in front of me and narrowed my eyes as I couldn't focus on the meaning behind his weird talking.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"A woman has that power, God-given, to leave her marks on you. And it's far harder to dispose of the marks than the woman who left them."

"You think I'm having second thoughts about leaving Nassau? That that is the mark Eleanor Guthrie left on me?" I furrowed my eyebrows before tilting my head slightly.

"I know it is. And I know that you're conflicted about what you have left behind. But the question is whether you can cling fast to the truth we both hold in our hearts, the truth that makes us of the same mind."

"And what truth is that?"

"That a lion keeps no den. Because the savanna, all the space within it, everything that walks and crawls upon it belongs to him." With unbelief, I stared at the clear ocean again and shook my head.

"When I talked like that, they all looked at me like I was mad-.... They never understood."

"There's hardly any of us who do."

"Sails!"

In the distance we heard a man who I recognised as Reuben shouting, he was mostly serving on the vanguard.

He appeared to be spying the merchant ship sailing before us and as we walked closer he was still watching it until we ended up standing next to the red haired man, leaning onto the railing.

He nervously looked away from his spyglass towards us and lowered his head.

"Three masts."

"Colors?" Reuben suddenly hesitated before speaking up and answered Teach with something I rather not wanted to hear.

"Spanish."

"Signal the fleet. Set a course to pursue." Reuben shortly made eye contact with Teach before nodding and left the higher floor to give the orders around.

Teach was about to break a long tradition of pirates not to attack Spanish ships and was acting totally normal about it. I on the other hand wasn't agreeing with my former mentor.

"It was never a rule. No one ever decided it. It was just something of an understanding. Spanish ships are to be avoided."

"Yeah, for fear of reprisals against Nassau. I suppose that's one less thing to worry about now, then. Wake up your woman." I rolled my eyes before I took action, leaving my spot to, indeed, see Naida.

Walking a few stairs up and then down, being accused by crew members for help along the way, I finally arrived at Naida's hammock. To my surprise she wasn't asleep at all, she was fully awake while staring at the ceiling with her hand laying next to her and the other one on her rib cage. "Naida?" I called, trying to get her attention and she weakly waved at me when she took note of me. I slowly got closer and sat down next to her hammock on a small, wooden side table. She looked pretty rested.

Suddenly, she shot upright and held her hand for her mouth as I grabbed her by her back automatically, trying to comfort her.

"I couldn't sleep.... I'm way too nauseous for that-.... And I miss us sharing a bed." I spotted a small smile being painted on the Captain's face as I gave her a sign she was totally right.

I missed it too, the feeling of her curling up into my side, her head laying on my chest. Hearts beating the same rhythm, same as our breathing being in sync.

The feeling of her warming up my bed, just the safety I felt around her, I indeed missed it.

Naida threw her legs over the side of her swinging hammock and I caught her when she almost fell to the ground.

"Perhaps we need to find another way for you to sleep properly."

"With you, don't forget that." I smiled, an idea popping into my head.

Teach already had a big liking towards her, even trusted her, so perhaps he would let us sleep in his cabin if he was in a nice mood when I asked.

"Naida, we are pursuing a Spanish ship at the moment."

"On Teach's command?"

"Yes. Listen, within an hour or two they or we will board them and I don't think they will surrender."

"Fucking great." She rubbed her temples before sitting on my lap.

"I thought the same.... and.... he wants you on board."

"What?"

"Can you fight without being harmed?"

I looked down at her and out of a sudden her eyes lit up.

"Long range?"

"If that works for you, yes." I nodded.

"Fuck yeah."

"Good." I smiled back before pulling her into a hug.

9 notes · View notes

an-itzy-bitzy-boi · 4 years

Text

In case you thought I cared about myself

SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! �� SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

#Shrek #shrek full script #my post #if I lose followers for this #good #if I anon hate for this I will no be suprised

11 notes · View notes

fandom-necromancer · 5 years

Text

601. If you kill them, you’d better kill me too, because otherwise I’m going to kill you.

This was prompted by the awesome @smolandangry001! Thank you so much for the prompt, this has gotten a bit longer than the normal stories but it actually has story, not just fluff or angst XD Enjoy!

Fandom: Detroit become human | Ship: Reed900 (Warnings: Undercover mission gone wrong, kidnapping, violence, offscreen mentioned torture)

‘Nines! Anderson! Connor!’ RK900 looked up from his screen towards Fowlers office. What could possibly have happened for him to be called up there? And why him and the others? The only times Fowler had called him it was because and together with Gavin, something that was impossible now. The man had been on an undercover mission for three months now and one would have thought he had adjusted to him missing in the workplace and in their flat. But no, the void space opposite to him and at home felt weird and even hurt sometimes. He missed his partner dearly. He missed the man’s rare moments of cuteness, the little sweet things he did for him and the habits Nines had developed to return them. He missed their fights, their snarky comments and most of all he missed someone having his back and someone to care for. Sure, he had their cats at home and whenever it was safe, Gavin contacted him via a special chat-program, Nines had written and installed on his phone. They still were in contact relatively regular, but it just wasn’t the same.

The android got up from his seat and followed Connor and Hank into the office. Fowler stood up as soon as he entered, coming around his desk and laid a hand on his upper arm. This wasn’t good and immediately Nines tensed and felt his LED glowing red in his temple. ‘Nines, I… This isn’t good, okay, but I need you to stay calm. We will take action. We will do everything we can. But we have to plan beforehand to make it work.’ Yeah, this wasn’t good at all. ‘What is it?’ Nines forced himself to not let it show how panicked he was. This was something about Gavin, it had to be. But, oh, how he wished it wasn’t. The Captain leaned back to turn his screen and immediately Nines’ analysis-software went haywire.

The screen showed a paused video. Some figure sat slumped down on a chair, held up only by ropes around legs, chest, arms and throat. It was a bit blurry, but the clothing matched Gavin’s. Still, there was a 0.2% chance they were just wearing similar clothing and it all was just coincidence. He held onto that calculation. Fowler sighed and hit the spacebar letting the video continue.

“Hello, fellow boys in blue out there!” The voice was distorted heavily, but Nines was already trying to restore it. “Didn’t think we would find your man, huh?” There was laughing and Nines immediately knew he hated the idiot behind the mic more than anyone else he had ever met. “Well, maybe next time find someone who has less qualms and a more polite mouth.” The words were emphasized by a clangourous slap across the chained man’s face, that let their head bounce back, so the camera could get a good picture. Nines had been about to step forward in an useless attempt to stop the person who hurt the man. The 0.2% quickly dropped to zero. This was Gavin. This was his partner, his friend, his- Gavin woke up from whatever it was that had him hang in the ropes and shifted with a painful grimace. ‘No.’ Nines had whispered it, but the room was dead silent. “I don’t know what to do with him yet, so maybe you could help me? I could kill your friend here, but I think he could be useful still. We demand a school bus. And a safe passage out of this state. Once we left, you get your idiot back, how does that sound, huh?” Only as his artificial skin retracted Nines realised how hard he had pressed his hands into fists. Everything in him screamed to run, to help, to do anything. “Two am. Monday. Location is attached. No tricks. I won’t hesitate to play with him a little, so if you want him alive and in one piece, better do as we said.”

The video stopped and restarted as they watched it again and again, Nines fixed on his love in that chair, wincing every time they hit Gavin. It was Hank, who reached over and stopped it, speaking slowly and low. ‘I think that’s enough. What do we do?’ Nines was still staring at the screen, at the clearly visible bruises and the ropes that dug into his skin, and his combat profile rose up. What do we do? We run. We find Gavin, we free Gavin, we kill anyone who stand in our way. That was what the soldier said. And that was what he wanted.

‘Connor!’ As Fowler cried out the order, Nines was already flying out of the door and down the bullpen, before the other RK unit could throw himself at him and stop him. ‘Nines, stop! Don’t do this!’ ‘They have Gavin!’, Nines hissed against the floor he was laying on and pressed against the weight of the other android on top of him. ‘What would you do would they have the Lieutenant?’ ‘I know. But you can’t just run out there without a plan. We will do our best to safe him.’ ‘Your best is not enough, Connor. You are an obsolete model saved by deviancy. Your careful planning and rational actions will get him killed!’ He didn’t want to be so cruel, but he had to go, he had to help his partner! ‘Nines, I agree. That’s why we need your power on the team, not wasted!’

Nines went lax. Still everything told him to follow his prime directive and the soldier wasn’t about to back down. But he knew he couldn’t and wouldn’t fight against his brother. As he was sure Nines wouldn’t try anything, he let go. ‘Okay, calm down. You will get him back faster than you can think. I promise. Concentrate on the case at hand, okay?’ ‘Okay.’ ‘Good. First of all we have to find out where he is.’ ‘I already know that.’ Nines was still bouncing to let this spiel fall and run. ‘What? How?’ ‘I sort of programmed a form of a pseudo-android-network on his phone. Until three hours ago I know exactly where his phone was. And if they demand a bus, I don’t think they want to leave now.’ ‘Good. Where?’ ‘A house in the suburbs. Still marked as vacant since a family left during the revolution.’ ‘Do you have a building plan?’ ‘Of course I have, Connor, I would be far quicker had I just already gone!’ ‘But do you know how many there are? What weapons? No. I figured. Stay here. It won’t help Gavin when you are killed trying to save him.’ ‘Fine.’

Nines played along precisely long enough for his shift to end. ‘I’m off, Connor. See you tomorrow.’ ‘Nines. Where are you going?’ ‘Home. The cats need to be fed.’ ‘Are you sure? Don’t lie to me.’ ‘This isn’t a lie.’ ‘Good. Then stay safe.’

It wasn’t a lie. He did drive home and fed the cats. Even cuddled a bit, just in case. But then he left. There was no way he was sitting around doing nothing, when Gavin was hurt and in possible danger. Who knew what these criminals would do to a police officer. Maybe they would stay true to their promise and care enough to let him stay alive. But that didn’t equal unharmed.

He was quick to be back outside again and stopped in his tracks as he found Connor leaned against Gavin’s car. He sighed. ‘I hope you are not here to stop me.’ ‘I don’t think I would be able to if I tried. I got you by surprise, but I am no match for you being the obsolete one.’ ‘I’m sorry, Connor, I really am. But I’m worried. If something happened to him… I- I wouldn’t-‘ ‘Don’t. I know what you feel. I would do the same for Hank. That’s why I came.’ ‘You won’t stop me.’ ‘I didn’t come to stop you. I want to help you. It’s the least I can do for my brother.’ ‘Thank you. I’ll make it up to you, I promise.’ Connor already entered the passenger side. ‘Try not to kill anyone, that would be enough.’

Nines speeded across town on the fastest route there was. ‘What do we tell the precinct once we have him?’, Nines asked. ‘I wanted to take you somewhere to keep you from running to Gavin’s rescue. Then we happened to come across some illegal activity and coincidentally this was the house Gavin is kept captive in.’ ‘They won’t believe that.’ ‘They can’t prove it either.’ ‘Anderson knows of this?’ ‘I left him a note. He’ll understand.’

They parked the car a few blocks away and got out. Nines dropped his Cyberlife jacket in the car. It was already dark, so he would blend in with his black turtleneck and trousers. ‘I can make out three persons in the front, you see anything else?’ ‘Three in the front. There is a laptop I could try hacking. Not sure if they would notice.’ ‘What about the phone? You said you built an android network?’ Nines nodded. It basically felt like an extended part of him now. ‘I’ll try to access it.’ His LED spun yellow for a few seconds. ‘front camera is dark, back camera shows a lamp on a ceiling.’ ‘All the lights upstairs are off. A cellar?’ ‘Yes. There is one. No outdoor access, there is a stair down.’

They came nearer and hid in the neighbour’s bushes. ‘There is a window’, Connor pointed out and Nines zoomed in on it. ‘Possible entrance. But they might notice. It’s closed.’ Connor smiled. ‘But it is a digital log. I can hack it. The whole house is connected to a central processing AI. I could try and hack it, while you scout around the place. You get in, get Gavin and come back, I’ll distract them. Sounds like a plan?’ Nines nodded. He crawled out of the bush, while Connor’s eyes started to flutter. Not much more time passed, and the window opened silently. Nines stuck his head into the space and scanned the place. The window led into some empty broom closet. He signed Connor an okay and squeezed himself through. He barely hadn’t made it as his frame was designed broader than most humans. But he made it and pulled up the floorplan in his HUD. Outside the door was a narrow hallway leading to a single room intended for storage. Most likely the place they kept Gavin in. He fetched some duct tape from a shelf and ripped off a piece to cover his LED, then made way for the door. From the heat signatures, there are two persons outside, Connor sent him over their wireless connection. I’ll create a distraction upstairs. Maybe that will get them out. Nines waited, until he heard a scream from upstairs. What did you do?, Nines asked. Someone was dumb enough to sit on the stove. Nines grinned. Weren’t you the one who said no person harmed? No person killed, was his answer.

Nines waited some more. Any movement on our two guards? Can you see Gavin? Still there. And yes, he is in the next room. I’ll try something else. Nines saw the flicker of light under the door. Soon enough footsteps. Nines pressed himself against the door until the person was right in front of it, then he opened it and put his whole strength into the blow. The door smashed into the man’s face, Nines took him by the collar and yanked him inside the closet, closing the door again and making sure the idiot was unconscious. Then he used his duct tape to gag and handcuff him and let him drop to the floor. One out, he reported. One left. She has heard the commotion. Is coming towards the door. There is an 87% chance she’ll open it. Nines nodded although Connor couldn’t see him and pressed himself to the adjacent wall. There were footsteps again. Then there was light, as the door opened. Nines waited until the woman entered, then grabbed her back and throwed her against the wall and preparing her just like the other guard. Now the way was free. Gavin was nearly safe!

Nines jumped out, ready to run towards his partner. Nines, stop, there is another heat signature there is- He saw him. Standing behind Gavin, smiling devilishly at him, was a well-dressed man, holding a gun to his head. ‘I told you no tricks. I knew you would come. And I’ll tell you what you’ll do now: Go back out and maybe I won’t kill him.’ ‘If you kill him, you’d better kill me too, because otherwise I’m going to kill you’, Nines growled low. ‘Please, no one has to die here. Just go, get your boss to get us that bus and no one will be harmed.’ ‘Oh, but maybe I want to see you harmed?’, Nines hissed. ‘I’m not sure you know my model, but you would either be fast enough to kill him or to save yourself by shooting me. If you kill him, you are dead. If you let him live, there is no need for me to kill you. So, what is more important to you? Proving a point or continue to live?’ Switch off the lights, Connor!

In pitch darkness there was a shot. Then a clatter. Back on!

Nines was on top of the asshole that had threatened his partner, who was holding his bloodied, cleanly shot through hand. Nines didn’t hesitate to punch the man over and over again, until he was unconscious. And then, for good measure, again. After that, there were more important things.

Gavin had been gagged since the video and was barely awake. There was blood on his face, bruises all over and red marks from the ropes around his throat. Nines couldn’t be fast enough to untie him and catch him as he fell towards the ground. ‘Gavin! Gavin, I’m here! You hear me? All is good, we are going home. You are safe!’ Are we safe? This was Fowlers plan. They arrived a few minutes after you entered as backup and are now cleaning up the upper storeys. I needed distractions after the stove. Stay there. Ambulance on its way.

Nines exhaled heavily and pressed Gavin to his chest. He was safe and with him and nothing else mattered.

#detroit become human #dbh #Reed900 #RK900 #Gavin Reed #Gavin is gone time to go into full terminator mode #Fowler: Okay we can't keep Nines from bulldozing into there what is the plan?#Connor: This /is/ the plan

101 notes · View notes

cecilspeaks · 5 years

Text

156 - The Trouble with Time

‘tis better to have loved and lost Than to be slowly eaten whilst still alive. There are, on the whole, Many things worse than having loved and lost. Welcome to Night Vale.

Well, listeners, we have all been grappling with the same problem. Time has become normal in Night Vale, or as normal as time ever is. Time is pretty weird everywhere. As a result of this shift in our experience of time, none of us are remaining the same age for centuries anymore. We are aging one year per year, one month per month, one second per precious second. Every moment that passes our skin is less supple. Our mind is less pliant. Our joints ache just a little more.

The entire town is in an uproar, as we are all coming to terms with the idea of getting older. Gym memberships have soared. Everyone is talking at the same time and they’re all recommending green juice diets to each other. The City Council has tried to make ageing illegal, but it turns out this would be unconstitutional as the Supreme Court decided that slow deterioration of the mind and body is an American right.

I myself am not immune to these worries. When I think about what my life would be like after Carlos or, what his life would be like after me… These are the kinds of fears that can’t be shaken off by the light of day. That linger, even after all the shadows of evening have faded. Is love a gift in a finite world? I’d like to think so, but oh, my stomach is in knots. I’m sure your sis too.

And now a word from our sponsors. Afraid of ageing? Terrified of the tides of time? Spooked by the sequential nature of existence? Stop looking at the calendar and moaning. Sure, it may be cathartic to start every morning by picking up your alarm clock and shouting: “You are a murderer! Your numbers are murder weapons! I am the murder victim!” But it’s not helping you out. Instead, try lotion. Just lotion those limbs. Lotion that face. Got any other parts? Lotion them too. Rubbing lotion on yourself won’t stop time. It won’t end the inevitability of death. But when you die, you will be silky smooth, and folks will whispers: “Why, it doesn’t look like they’ve aged a single day.” Buy lotion now and we will send you a box of other things that will not stop you from dying, but will make you feel a little better on your way out the door. Such as fish oil pills, a pair of running shoes, and books with titles like “Get Happy Now, or Else”. Lotion – you can’t stop ageing, so settle on mitigating the surface appearance of ageing. And this has been ma word from our sponsors.

In a new press release, Night Vale resident Leah Shapiro announces the Mariam McDonald memoriam fund. This fund, in honor of the recently deceased Mariam, will be used to finally fulfil Mariam’s lifelong dream, a dream she did not live long enough to see come to fruition: the removal of all sand from the Sand Wastes. Mariam hated the sand, thought it looked frightfully untidy, and that it made a bad first impression for folks just coming to town. She could often be seen when she was alive out with her broom, dutifully sweeping the dunes into her dustpan, and depositing the result into a black trashbag. Obviously, this was slow going, but Leah has vowed to continue Mariam’s quest. “It’s a stupid wish, a real dumb one,” said Leah. “I hate it! I hate it so much, but I don’t know, it’s what Mariam wanted. And so I feel obligated for some reason to keep after it. God, this sucks!” Leah concluded. According to the press release, the Mariam McDonald Memorial Fund currently contains 3 dollars, and is not taking donations. Well, isn’t that the feelgood story of the year? Good luck, Leah. I do hope you get rid of all that sand. Mariam was right, sand is very untidy.

And now for the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner. So today, we will be discussing how to tell whether something is a person. Here are simple tests that can be done at home with whatever you find in your parents’ cabinets when they don’t know you’re looking. Does it grow? It’s a person. Does it bend? It’s a person. Is it square or similar to a square? That’s a person. Nodes or nodules? Person. A frank and enticing laugh? Person. Can it hold liquid? Person. Is it a dog? Yup, that’s a person too. That ooze at the back of your closet? Not a person. We don’t know what hat is, best not to touch it, best not to think on it. Perhaps it is the thinking that gives it its power. This has been the Children’s Fun Fact Science Corner.

In response to the current “time is normal” crisis, many companies are moving in to offer services to alleviate ageing. Arby’s is suggesting that a regular diet of roast beef has been shown to extend life expectancy by up to 20 years. When they were asked who showed that and how they did so, Arby’s kind of mumbled and sad that they would have those sources for us soon, but in the meantime, come on down and buy yourself a meal.

A number of new gyms have opened up in town, promising advanced workouts that will keep the body and mind tiptop. There is an LA Fitness, also a 26 Hour Fitness, which promises workouts at any time day or night, plus two bonus hours every day that are only experienced by members. And local legend Louie Blasko has started what he calls a Crossfit gym, but it appears to be just the burned out remains of his old music store, untouched since the night of the fire. “Oh yeah,” Louie said. “You can really get a good workout in here, believe me.” His eyes flicked back and forth nervously.

A different angle is being taken by newcomer to town, Casper Rhodes. Casper says that he has conquered the ultimate obstacle: death itself. He does this by freezing the brain upon death until it can be resuscitated by advanced technologies of the future. “Cryogenics means never having to say ‘I’m dead’,” Casper declared, whirling around the red cape he wears and wiggling his eyebrows. “Oh yes, this is a completely real technology. Once you die, we simply and safely remove your bran and freeze it in here.” He indicated the disused grain silo on the edge of town. “That thing is full of brains,” he said. “And each of those brains will be reanimated to a bright and beautiful future hundreds of years from now, and you can too, for a mere 10,000 dollars. Payable upfront, no refunds offered.”

Suspicious journalists asked if they could take a peek in the grain silo and see if it was actually full of brains. But Mr. Rhodes blocked the door with his body. “Uh oh uh,” he said. “Opening the door would mess up the, uh, freezing process. Uh, wouldn’t want that to happen. You just have to trust us.” Hmmmmm.

And now traffic. It’s looking pretty clear on the roads right now. There isn’t a single car to be seen. The parking lots are barren, the highways are mere doodles of the gods without the roaring machines that give them purpose. Where did every car disappear to? We wonder this as we walk to work. Walk to school. Learning the limits and the capacity of our own legs, magnificent machines attached to our own bodies that we had long ago discounted, but now can only propel ourselves by the length of them. And then again and again, one after another. The hours pass and we gradually pass through them, and where are the cars? Did they ever exist? The factories where cars once were built are now full of robots with no purpose, arms ending in specialized tools and drills, all designed to construct a thing that no longer is there to be constructed. And so they bob and weave for nothing. In this way, perhaps, it could be said that they are dancing. To take purpose from a movement is to suggest the possibility of art within it, that perhaps the movement could have meaning merely for itself, but I ask again: where are the cars? Where did they go? Every other form of transportation still exists. Planes still claw their way into the stratosphere, while boats wobble on churning seas. Motorcycles even, given the compete freedom of the highway, tearing into the turns and straightaways at dangerous speeds, but no cars. Was it something we did? Is this our fault? At least there’s no traffic, I guess, and we’re all getting a little more time outdoors which is nice and, oh – Nevermind. The cars are back, all of them. Aaaall at once, driverless and speeding. Well, it’s nice to have them back. This has been traffic.

And now for corrections. In a previous editorial aired on this station, a reporter indicated his belief that peanut butter is a type of rock. That reporter sincerely believed, based on a half remembered lesson from elementary school that he now realizes might have actually been a cartoon he watched, that peanut butter along with sedimentary, metamorphic, and ignius was in fact one of the main types of rock. This reported harbored no ill intent when he lectured for what may or may not have been two hours about his belief that peanut butter was a type of rock. This well meaning reporter may have ignored several calls from his scientist husband, who was trying to get through to correct this completely understandable mistake. But the reporter was on such a roll that he didn’t even notice the calls coming in. Which could happen to anyone. The reporter may have even printed up posters for local schools showing the types of rock, with peanut butter prominently included. If that is the case, these schools should feel free to return the erroneous posters, or keep them, if they feel it might be in some way educational. In any case, the reporter in question regrets the error and now amidst that maybe, peanut butter isn’t a type of rock. Maybe that’s true. Decide for yourself. This has been corrections.

Casper Rhodes and his Quality Cryogenics Corporation continue to advertise their dubious service all over town. He has bought a billboard next to the Waterfront Recreation Area declaring: “A new life awaits you in the future”, with a picture of a disembodied brain that is somehow both smiling an giving a thumbs up, despite its lack of hands and mouth. The Quality Cryogenics Corporation strung a banner along the top of the disused grain silo on the edge of town saying the name of the company. Except the word “quality” has been misspelled, as has “corporation”. Listeners, I am not one to editorialize, not after the recent peanut butter debacle we’ve heard so much about. But it does not seem to me that this Mr. Rhodes is on the up and up. Nothing about this strikes me as a scientific operation, and trust me, I know from scientific operations. Despite these warning signs, a few people have in fact taken them up on their offer, including weekday shift managers at the Ralphs, Charlie Bear, whose lifetime ambition of becoming a ghost has recently curdled into a frantic fear of death. “I thought we had eternity. Now every minute spent is a minute lost,” Charlie said to me when I asked him if they had any more cilantro. So that was a bummer on my afternoon. I must warn everyone not to buy into this Casper charlatan’s lies. Cryogenically freezing brains is not going to save you. In fact, it is time for me to bust this scam wide open. I will sneak into the disused grain silo, and I will tel you what is inside. Then all of us will know the truth.

As I head over there, Let’s all head over To the weather.

[“Revolution Lover” by Left At London http://leftatlondon.com]

OK, listeners I’m.. hold on. This portable recording rig is just a little heavy. Whoo! I have got to get back to my weight training. I was deadlifting as much as 15 pounds, and now look at me.

OK, I am looking up at the towering disused grain silo on the edge of town. The silo that one Casper Rhodes would claim contains cryogenically frozen brains, destined to be reawakened in the future. Well, I’m sure Mr. Rhodes, but allow me to just check in on it myself. The door to the silo is locked with a padlock and heavy chain. Fortunately, I don’t go anywhere without my Special Reporter’s welding torch. It comes in handy more than you’d think. [welding noises] And off it goes. Another win for the first amendment. Listeners, I am opening the heavy metal doors [creaking], and inside it is dark even in this late afternoon sun. I am stepping in. [voice echoing] My eyes are adjusting and oh my god! Listeners, oh my god! The tanks are full, frozen intact human brains, attached to various support equipment, it is all completely clean and seemingly running well, this – this isn’t a scam! The great Casper Rhodes is telling the truth! Death is now voluntary, aging is meaningless! We will all see the future! We will ALL see the future!

Listeners, I must go, I must talk to my husband. We could be together forever, don’t you see? A new world awaits us in the future! I must talk to Carlos, I must! [equipment drops]

Today’s proverb: On one hand, you have skin. On the other hand, you don’t- oh man, what happened to that hand?!!

#welcome to night vale #wtnv #wtnv transcirpts #episode 156 #the trouble with time

63 notes · View notes

purplesurveys · 4 years

Text

971

Halloween-themed asks (Part 1)

Afraid: What is one of your biggest fears? Being stabbed or poked with a knife or pencil or blade or whatever. I just hate the idea of being anywhere near a sharp thing.

Aliens: Do you believe in them? Why or why not? I like to hold out belief for them; I just think it makes a life a little more fun and interesting to be a bit open-minded about extraterrestrial life. But I don’t think they’re what the media usually portrays them to be. Who knows, they could just look exactly like us...

Boo: Do you get scared very easily? It really varies. Sometimes I’m super jumpy and other times I’m simply unfazed. One thing I constantly do not appreciate, though, is being surprised. Like, coming out from behind a wall and screaming to shock me-levels of jump scares - hate those.

Bat: Have you ever seen a bat in real life, not just in photos? Yes. There are tons of bats in the underground river cave in Palawan. I think we got peed on when we traveled there, too.

Black Cat: What is your favorite type/breed of cat? I don’t know if I have any and I’m not really familiar with their breeds...I like the orange ones. They’re the ones who’ve been consistently nice to me, haha.

Beware: Do you have a “Beware of Dog” sign on your fence? Nah. But it would be hilarious to put up one of those, actually. The only dogs I have are a senior dog who has since resorted to being chill and doesn’t get disturbed by most things anymore, and the friendliest beagle who’s just out to give kisses.

Black: Do you own a lot of black clothing? I used to have so many black pieces up until my second year in college. Eventually there came a point where I wanted to put my effort in my outfits and so I started to buy more colorful, more trendy items, so now the clothes in my closet are definitely more balanced out.

Bones: Have you ever broken a bone before? Nope, and I hope I’ll never have to go through that.

Boogeyman: Were you ever afraid of the Boogeyman as a child? There used to be a wrestler called Boogeyman and he had pretty freaky traits, but he mostly entertained me as a kid because his character was so out of this world that it stopped being scary. He had smoke for his entrances and he ate worms and banged alarm clocks against his head, and idk man that was pretty darn cool for my 9 year old eyes haha. I don’t know the actual Boogeyman that’s being referred to in this question, though.

Broom: Are you more likely to clean with a broom and dustpan or a vacuum? I use a broom. It’s my mom who mainly uses the vacuum cleaner.

Cauldron: What would you cook/make in your cauldron? Green curry sounds so good right now, yum.

Cemetery: Do you find cemeteries to be unsettling or peaceful? I’ve only been to a cemetery like once, and I didn’t feel anything in particular because I was only there to tag along with Angela’s family, who was visiting a deceased relative. I felt nothing but intrusive, lol. My family does often visit our local columbary to visit my grandpa though, and I guess it does feel peaceful when I’m there. The vaults there are always filled with notes and flowers and it makes me happy to know that the deceased staying there are visited by their loved ones.

Coffin: Do you know anyone who has been cremated instead of buried in the ground? Yes, I know my grandpa and Nacho were.

Chilling: When’s the last time you felt chilly? This morning was pretty cold.

Candle: Do you prefer candles that you light with a match or a lighter, or do you like the little candles you can turn a switch on? I’ve always understood that you manually light up candles. Candles with switches don’t count as candles, at least to me.

Cackle: How would you describe your laugh? It’s a demure chuckle for the most part, but the funnier I find something the higher-pitched it gets as well.

Candy: What’s your favorite kind of candy? Gummies! I love Trolli’s gummy versions of food, like their gummy burger and pizza, the most.

Celebrate: Do you even celebrate Halloween? In what ways? When did you stop dressing up? Sure. I’ll either have a horror movie marathon with myself, or if my friends and I are able to plan out something, we get together and go to a party and wear costumes. And I never really stopped dressing up...there’ll be years where I’ll dress up and years that I don’t, but it’s a never say never situation for me, honestly. I’ll always be down to have a Halloween costume.

Cobweb: When’s the last time you accidentally walked through a cobweb? I’m not sure about walked through, but yesterday I was reaching out my left hand to grab something and I felt a cobweb.

Carve: Do you make a Jack-o-Lantern every year? No, that’s not a practice here.

Caramel Apple: Do you prefer caramel apples or candy apples? No apples, heh.

Costume: What was your best/favorite Halloween costume? That time I put on a super low-effort costume dressed up as Sofie using only eyeliner and a little black dress and I still got the most compliments and laughs on social media, even though my friends worked hard as all hell for their costumes lmaooooo. I remember Eva painstakingly making her Frappuccino costume from scratch and Kaira and Chelsea spending on an Elsa/Anna couple costume. I never expected anyone to be entertained by my costume choice and just wanted to let my friends shine, but it was nice to see people finding my outfit hilarious hahaha.

Creepy-Crawler: What is your least favorite bug/insect? Cockroaches.

Dark: Did you ever used to be afraid of the dark? Are you still afraid of the dark? I think I’ve always been afraid of the dark only when it’s deliberately used as an element in a scary setting. I have no problem spending a few minutes in complete darkness, but I’m bound to freak out if, say, I ride the horror train at the local arcade because I know there’ll be other jump scares.

Decorate: How do you decorate your home for Halloween? Do you have indoor AND outdoor decorations? We don’t. It’s not even a legit holiday so I don’t see the point in spending on Halloween decors...the only situation I see myself doing so is when I have kids. I’d want them to have fun during Halloween and get into that trick-or-treating spirit, so I’ll definitely buy some decors for them.

Doorbell: Do people usually knock on your door or do that ring the doorbell? (not necessarily on Halloween) Kids usually do trick-or-treat in our village in general, but given that we live at the very end of the subdivision the kids don’t really walk all the way here, so no.

Dracula: Were you ever a fan of the Twilight series? How about the Vampire Diaries? Blue Bloods? Vampire Academy? I liked Twilight, yeah. Still do. Unabashedly, lmao.

Demon: Do you think that a demon lives inside certain individuals? I don’t believe in demons per se but I know what you mean and yeah, I certainly think there are people that simply...aren’t fit for society either because of how psychopathic/socipathic they are or the crimes they’ve committed - or worse, both.

Disguise: If you were invited to a costume party, what would you go as? Dalgona coffee. I’m sure I can come up with a way to make that costume happen, ha.

Eerie: What’s the last creepy yet unexplained thing that has happened to you? Haven’t had experiences like that in a while. Possibly ever.

Eyeballs: What color are yours? Dark brown. Or black, I never know how to answer this.

[created by bionic-beth]

#survey #surveys

1 note · View note

missjosie27 · 4 years

Text

Year 2 Part 6- Bill Weasley

Hey, guys! Sorry about the late chapter. Being in self quarantine has actually caused a degree of 'apathy' so to speak and it's tough trying not to let that infest your creativity.

But in any case I am back with a new installment and I'd like to say a few words beforehand.

For the first three years of this series, Slytherin isn't going to look good. But there's a reason for that (not the least of which includes shipping my MC with Merula xD) and it will reveal itself in good time. To all my Slytherin readers, portraying your house as the 'bad guy' is not my endgame. Not even close.

Anyway on the with the story!

The party following the triumphant victory over Slytherin could only be described as pandemonium. In one fell swoop the Gryffindors had opened up a huge lead in the standings and were already being favored to win the entirety of the Quidditch season. Hufflepuff was no serious obstacle and only the Ravenclaws stood as the last major threat to their title chances. It was also the first time in three years the lions had beaten the snakes in a major match such as this and dancing on their misery tasted almost as sweet as the butterbeer.

David and company could hardly keep track of anything during the celebration, but they didn’t care. He had never seen such a spectacle and though listening to Quidditch was always a popular pastime, to actually witness it in person in addition to crushing your biggest rival went far beyond expectations. Though he didn’t say it openly, he privately imagined Merula and the rest of the Slytherins sulking in their cold, black dungeon.

Let them. It’s no less than they deserve

He made his way through the crowd in search of Charlie, seeing as he was the hero of the day (seekers usually were) and also a roommate in need of basic congratulations. Along the way he passed Adolphus Blishwick and Henry McLaggen who were engaged in a chugging contest of sorts though the substance did not look like butterbeer. In addition, he encountered the fearless chaser herself, Skye Parkin.

“Great game, Skye!” he yelled out to her.

Looking around, she spotted her admirer and gave a cool thumbs up before resuming conversation with a crowd of Gryffindor boys and girls who sought her attention.

She’s going to be the talk of the whole school for a week after this. Let her have the moment.

Resuming his search, it didn’t take long to spot Charlie. The second eldest Weasley brother was being hoisted up in the air by several older Gryffindors, broom still in hand, chanting his name repeatedly.

“CHARLIE! CHARLIE! CHARLIE!”

“Come on, mates! I’m going to get bloody sick!” he laughed, clutching his stomach.

David could only watch in amusement as the crowd finally let him down onto his feet, breathing heavily from the day’s excitement.

“Butterbeer for the rookie of the day?” he offered.

“Ha, no thanks, Dave. If I have another one of those things, I think I might actually vomit.”

“Mate, you didn’t just win today. You crushed Slytherin into the dirt. No one will let you buy another drink again.”

Charlie laughed good naturedly.

“Wasn’t just me, Dave. Team effort won the day. In case you haven’t noticed, we have a pretty good chaser over there,” he said, indicating Skye.

“She’s as confident as they come,” David observed. “Didn’t seem to know who I was, though or anyone else besides her Quidditch mates.”

“She has to be,” Charlie shrugged. “With the family she hails from nothing less than winning is acceptable. As for the second part, don’t take it personally, she keeps to her own crowd. Likes the attention but not really a people’s person if you catch my drift.”

A glance back and David saw Skye flick the blue colored braid back almost as if it were an act of God himself. Several of her ogling fans ate it up, whilst the Parkin girl gave a small smirk but no audible reply.

“Yeah, you don’t say.”

The second born Weasley chuckled before turning serious for a split second.

“Listen,” he said in a low voice which was just audible above the noise of the ongoing party. “I heard about what happened on Halloween.”

David’s eyebrows became sharp.

“What did you hear?”

“Relax, Dave,” Charlie reassured him. “No one told me anything, just rumors. But from what I gathered you and Rowan are still searching for that cursed vault? The one with the cursed ice that’s been entrapping people.”

“And if I were to say ‘yes’?”

“Mate, it’s not exactly a well-kept secret. There was no sign of you or Rowan at the feast. Many people around here still remember when your brother was chasing the vaults, they expect the same from you.”

Memories and headlines flooded David’s brain, ones he did not want to think about at the moment.

‘Aw, but Jacob why won’t you tell me?’

The older boy shuffled a vast assortment of papers into his drawer, his appearance slightly disheveled.

‘Pip, what I’m working on is top secret and cannot be revealed to anyone. You have to trust me on that.’

‘But-’

‘You’ll understand someday when you’re older.’

“I’m not my brother,” David responded quietly. He did not want to discuss the matter further as he pushed the guilt ridden feelings into the darkest recesses of his mind.

“I know you’re not, that’s why I want to help. Or make a suggestion rather,” Charlie responded, no malice or ulterior motive in his hazel eyes. It was then that David realized he may have spoken too harshly.

“Fire away,” he said, the light, jovial tone returning. “Better be good or I’ll have those blokes lift you up and down in the air again.”

“If you want some assistance in your search, talk to my brother.”

That gave David some pause.

“Bill? Why would he want anything to do with this?”

“Are you kidding? He’s almost as obsessed with breaking curses as I am with dragons…well maybe not quite that obsessed but it’s a goal of his and make no mistake,” Charlie explained.

“You’re sure? I can’t exactly go around telling everyone what I’m doing, lest I get expelled,” David spoke candidly.

“He’d never rat on you, that’s one thing I am certain of. I’ve known him my whole life. He’s caught me doing loads of things I shouldn’t have, and he’s always had my back. Believe me, there’s no one better.”

“Well I’ll consider it. Thanks, Charlie.”

“Anytime.”

The new star Gryffindor seeker was led back over to the center of the party leaving David to ponder in the middle of the celebration. He did not want to risk trying to bust down that door again at least not without help. Two second years weren’t strong enough but adding Bill to the team might prove to be the deciding factor.

He would have to ask Rowan what he thought of the idea.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

“Are you kidding? That’s a great idea!” Rowan exclaimed at lunch the following Monday. “Why didn’t I think of it?”

“A good question considering you talk about him more than you do about your tree farm.”

Rowan lightly swiped at him with his book (and missed) before continuing.

“In all seriousness, think of the possibilities. He’s older, he knows more spells than we do, not to mention he has an interest in what we’re doing according to Charlie. What’s there to lose?”

In truth, not much. But that didn’t mean it was a sure thing.

“I plan on asking him today,” David shrugged. “Just don’t get your hopes up, okay?”

“Why not? He likes you, already. He taught you a few spells last year.”

The twelve year old Gryffindor took a massive bite of shepherd’s pie.

“Dat was ifferent,” he said before swallowing. “Merula was terrorizing the entire first year class. This is ten times as risky.”

“Since when has that ever stopped, you?”

“It never does, and it never will,” David proclaimed. “That also doesn’t mean I go looking for trouble. It just happens to find me most of the time.”

“Well we could save a lot of trouble if we could get him on board. I can read an entire book about potential curses in this school but if we don’t have the know how or power, then this ice could spread even further by year’s end.”

Rowan was never short on logic and he couldn’t fault him this particular time either. The worst Bill could do was say ‘no’ and that would be the end of it. As if to confirm his own intentions, Charlie suddenly came up behind him.

“Hey, David. Bill is waiting for you at the training grounds. Says he has an hour before his next class if you want to talk.”

“Wait, he’s already waiting for me?”

“I put in a good word for you,” Charlie said with a sly grin. “I think you’ll find he’ll be very interested in what you have to say.”

Rowan gave him a look as if to shout ‘what are you waiting for?’ before returning to his grilled cheese sandwich.

“Suppose now is as good a time as any,” he muttered getting up from the table. “Make sure Charlie doesn’t steal my pie, Rowan.”

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” the red head called back, digging his fork into the pie and shoving it into his mouth.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

The route to the training grounds was simple enough, one simply had to traverse two stories and past the dungeons to reach the outside door that led to the cold, autumn outdoors. David was hardly giving much attention to his surroundings as he adjusted his hat and scarf, very eager to see what Bill had to say.

Suddenly, he stopped in the middle of the dungeon corridor, instincts going haywire. Though this part of Hogwarts was always dark and gloomy, he couldn’t shake the feeling he was being watched.

“Hello?” he called out into the empty nothingness.

His natural reflexes kicked in as he just barely ducked a sickly-looking purple jet of light that created sparks on the stone walls.

“Goddamn it, what the hell?!”

Out of the shadows stepped a pale, black haired girl, one eye shrouded by the perpetual greasy mass of mop that never seemed to move. David immediately recognized her as Ismelda Murk, the same girl who had given him that creepy smile the previous week.

“So, you are going to see that blood traitor, Bill Weasley,” she said in a quiet, but deadly tone. “No doubt to discuss the cursed vaults.”

Her wand was trained on him, but David did not reach for his. At least, not yet. Any sudden movement would likely trigger another curse being sent his way.

“And how did you know that?” he stalled.

Ismelda rolled her visible eye.

“Please, your voice is loud enough. It’s not hard to overhear you.”

She took a step forward wand still pointed directly at his chest.

“But it makes no difference. You Gryffindors are all the same- cocky, arrogant, always hogging the spotlight for yourself.”

“Hey, Izzy, if this is about kicking your ass in Quidditch don’t take it out on me. I’m sure there’s a small, defenseless animal somewhere around here you can torture.”

Another jet of purple light barely missed his head.

“I didn’t have to miss,” Ismelda spoke with quiet fury. “Now here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to tell me everything you know about the vaults and I won’t have to hurt you…much.”

At this point, David had had enough. It was already irritating to constantly deal with one crazy Slytherin girl, two went beyond his patience.

“Yeah, okay let me tell you what’s actually going to happen. I’m going to hex you and I’m going to walk out that door.”

Without another second’s hesitation he whipped out his wand and fired the same spell Merula had used on him last year.

‘ Petrificus Totalus! ’

He caught her square in the chest, sending her toppling over like a four by four to the ground. However, she managed to fire off one more curse before it did, and this time he wasn’t quick enough to avoid it.

“GAH!” he winced as he felt his shoulder catch part of the blast. Still, he didn’t waste any more time waiting for Ismelda to regain use of her limbs and ran as fast he could out into the nippy, November air.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

So fast did he run that he barely noticed that after a minute or so, Bill Weasley was right in front of him. When he finally did, the older boy was already looking down on him with an eyebrow raised.

“Whoa, there David Grant. You look out of breath. What happened?”

Still panting from his recent escapade, it took a moment for the 12 year old Gryffindor to form sentences.

“Slytherin girl attacked me. Threatened me over the vaults. Managed to get away though.”

Bill leaned and took a glance at David’s shoulder.

“Not completely. Let me take a look at that wound.”

David saw for the first time the extent of the damage Ismelda had wrought. The top of his robes were cut open to reveal a nasty looking purple and black bruise which had the look of something that had festered for days.

“Ew,” he remarked dryly.

“Let me see if this helps,” Bill said as he pointed his wand at the injury. “ Episkey. ”

Much of the swelling went down and the size was reduced though there remained a remnant of the blackish/blue color in the center.

“Madam Pomfrey probably could have gotten rid of that in an instant. But I’m pretty rubbish when it comes to medicine, that’s the only healing spell I know.”

“It’s fine,” David shrugged. “No lasting damage. What was that curse anyway?”

“Only seen it a few times but it’s a nasty one, especially if a powerful dark wizard uses it. Bone bruise curse. Can cause severe internal bleeding in the hands of a real psycho. Sometimes kids at Hogwarts will use them in duels, but it’s generally taboo.”

“That explains a lot,” he muttered.

“It sounds like you were waylaid on your way down here,” Bill surmised. “Who was it?”

“Ismelda Murk. She’s my year. Makes Merula Snyde look like a flower girl by comparison.”

“I’ve heard of her,” Bill said darkly. “She apparently attacked Charlie on the train this year simply for bumping into her by accident. You were there for that if I recall correctly.”

“Indeed, I was.”

“Well in any case this might be the perfect opening into what you really came down here for. Charlie told me you needed some help with these cursed vaults.”

David nodded in the affirmative.

“I do. Rowan and I actually found the entrance, but there was some sort of enchantment on it. I don’t think we can break it, just the two of us. Charlie said you might be interested.”

“Interested? Hell, David I wish you had come to me sooner. I’m in.”

David didn’t know what to expect, but the fact that Bill accepted his request so readily was a tad surprising.

“Huh, well that didn’t take much persuasion.”

“You didn’t need to,” Bill said seriously. “This ice is becoming more and more dangerous by the week and doesn’t appear to be dissipating any time soon. If we can get through that door you spoke of earlier there’s a strong chance we can break this curse.”

His face broke into a reluctant smile.

“I’d also be lying if I said I wasn’t a bit excited too. This is my first curse breaking adventure and I’m honored to be a part of it.”

“The honor is all mine,” David grinned. “Seriously, I can’t thank you enough.”

“Don’t thank me yet,” the eldest Weasley warned. “It’s going to take a lot of preparation and even a little pain to break into a cursed vault. We’ll need to do a lot of research and spellwork if this is going to be successful. It’ll also give us the opportunity to learn a few more jinxes for dueling, especially considering you were just attacked.”

“Rowan will eagerly take care of the research. He’ll also be pretty happy to know you’re in on this little quest of ours.”

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me,” Bill laughed. “Come on, let’s get started.”

And so they did. For the next few weeks, the trio met once a week to either study in the library or go to the training grounds to learn new spells and practice them on the wooden target dummies. This became steadily more difficult as time went on as the weather became colder the first snowfall hit but it was still good practice and it also provided an opportunity for Rowan to progress in his own dueling prowess, which steadily improved over time. Now and then they were also joined by Penny and Ben, who were eager to help in any way they could. For Penny that meant assistance in brewing certain potions that they would need in a tight spot- fire breathing and pepperup potions came to mind. For Ben, it meant assistance in some of the research and moral support…and the occasional training session.

“Remind me why I have to learn the fire making spell again?” he asked one cold December morning between the crunch of white powder on the ground.

The snow was also a good outlet to begin practicing a spell that would be quite useful in keeping warm and potentially knocking down the giant snowflake that fired concentrated freezing spells at those who tried to enter its domain (Bill did a double take when he was told that story). Incendio would create large blasts of red and blue fire, though it was still somewhat difficult to control, especially for second years, and so Bill supervised their progress.

“A freezing day in December is almost as bad as the sensation you’ll feel inside the vault,” David told him as he shifted his scarf to reveal his pink, rosy nose, clearly whipped by the slight wind. “What better way to practice?”

“No offense, David, but I’m not sure I’m the right person to go inside the vault with you,” Ben said glumly.

“We will cross that bridge when we get to it,” Bill interjected. “For now, being prepared to break the protective enchantments is the best way to go. We’ll need a full arsenal to do so.”

Penny beamed underneath her hat, coat, and mittens.

“I’m just glad we’re finally learning something that could be considered proper defense. This year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is complete rubbish.”

“Yeah, well I’d be lying if that also didn’t factor into it,” the red head muttered. “I also figured the fire making spell would be a top priority based off what Dave and Rowan told me about this vault.”

“Speaking of curse breaking, I actually brought you something,” David said, remembering suddenly his gift. “I bought this through mail order a week ago.”

He stuck his mittens into the bag and presented it to his friend.

“ Patricia Rakepick: A Guide to Cursebreaking,” Bill read aloud his eyes lighting up. “Wow, David this is amazing. You didn’t have to get me this. Madam Rakepick is one of the best in the world.”

“Good practice for when you become a cursebreaker yourself,” he replied with a wink. “Not to mention it’ll be good for all of us when we enter the vault. Rakepick has been around the globe and back again. Seen and done it all.”

“We’ll pour through it once we get back inside. In the meantime, let me see your fire one more time.”

David point his wand in the air.

“ Incendio! ”

A large stream of flames issued forth, crackling the air before ceasing altogether.

“You really have a talent for this stuff, don’t you?” Bill chuckled. “Took me a lot longer to learn that spell. Penny, you next.”

The blonde obliged, sending a lesser but still decent amount of flames into the frigid December day.

“Not bad. You need a little bit more power but otherwise you’re coming along fine,” Bill encouraged.

“I know,” Penny said a bit sheepishly. “I’m just afraid I’ll burn one of you guys.”

“You can burn me any time you want. Feels like my ass is about to freeze off,” David quipped.

“Well we certainly wouldn’t want that,” Bill responded dryly but with a cheeky grin. “One more from Ben and then we’ll grab some hot cocoa.”

Shaking heavily from the cold, Ben nevertheless loudly proclaimed the incantation.

“ I-Incendio !”

The amount of fire that issued from his wand was so vast that David actually had to grab Penny and duck to avoid minor injury. Even Bill took a step back, a look of shock plastered on his face.

“Well that’s one way to do it,” he offered in his gentlest tone. “Maybe say it a little less loudly next time.”

David began laughing as he picked himself up from the frost bitten ground, putting an arm around his friend.

“That could have melted the entire door down. And you say you’re not worthy of going into the vault,” he ribbed him.

Ben only offered a weak grin.

“Heh.”

The rest of the month continued like this, with spell learning sessions occurring inside rather than the increasingly frigid outdoors of Scotland. As they continued to meet together outside of class, at lunch, and in the library the group also took extra pains to ensure the Slytherins were not following or attempting to sabotage them. After the embarrassing loss to their rival, Merula and her ilk were becoming more vocal again and more than a few times, David caught her messing with his potions again. She constantly whispered about how she was closing in on key information on the vaults to distract him, which he did his best to ignore. Merula loved to exaggerate her own achievements so it wasn’t particularly concerning. Nevertheless, he made a point to keep an eye on her and her prime lacky, Ismelda Murk.

As December wore on and the holidays grew closer, David grew more anxious to revisit the vault, especially with all the planning and preparation they were doing. Bill, however, aired on the side of caution. He too was eager to visit the first cursed vault but opined it would be more prudent to wait until after they returned from Christmas break. It gave them all time to practice their spellwork and would throw off the scent of anyone on their trail, namely Filch, who was always scouring the 13th corridor at night with Mrs. Norris. In the end, the group largely concurred with such thinking.

It wasn’t until the last day before the holidays that the pressure to enter the vault ramped up a notch. The three boys were on their way back from their final class of the day, a potions extravaganza that featured pre-Christmas goodwill from the Gryffindors and Slytherins tossing acid pops into each other’s cauldrons, until they noticed a crowd stood outside the 9th corridor. Though no one was panicking as of yet the murmuring became louder as David, Rowan, and Ben approached.

“What��s going on?” David asked aloud. “It’s not supposed to be this busy. Not until the train leaves Hogsmeade station anyway.”

“No idea,” Rowan shrugged.

“Can we find out what this is later?” Ben said nervously. “Ismelda threw an acid pop in my cauldron and I think some of it burned through my robes.”

But curiosity overrode the other two Gryffindor boys as they slowly weaved their way through the crowd and towards the front.

“You guys! It happened again!” Tonks said to them. But there was no need to expound further. Reaching the front, they witnessed a fourth year Ravenclaw covered nearly head to toe in the cursed ice, face dangerously blue, eyes barely open. It was quite a revelation and also quite disturbing. No student, not even Ben had been entrapped so thoroughly. The only part of his body that remained free was his head and neck, everything else remained submerged.

It didn’t take long for the whispering to turn to proclamations.

“The ice won’t stop until it gets us all!” a random girl shouted.

Thankfully, any mass hysteria was quelled by the sudden arrival of Professors McGonagall, Flitwick, and Snape.

“Students, remain calm!” the deputy Headmistress shouted over the low hum of gossip. “Please be on your way to prepare for the train. Those who are staying at Hogwarts over Christmas break, return to your dormitories until further notice. Prefects, see that everyone is accounted for.”

“You heard her!” Snape barked. “Away with you!”

The intimidating leer of Severus Snape was more than enough to disperse the crowd, but not before David overheard the professors commenting on the situation.

“The ice has never spread this far before,” Flitwick said with a note of anxiety in his voice. “Should we not alert the Headmaster to return?”

“Dumbledore has enough on his plate,” Snape replied. “He will not come back to Hogwarts until after Christmas. We can handle things until then. If the ice is getting stronger, we should not allow that information to spread beyond these walls.”

“I will letter Albus. But for now, let us focus on unfreezing Mr. Isaacs. Madam Pomfrey will need to attend to him for quite a while,” Professor McGonagall spoke, taking out her wand.

David, Rowan, and Ben looked at each other as Tonks and the Hufflepuffs headed towards the kitchen. All of a sudden, containing the ice was looking more and more impossible. If all of Hogwarts was threatened to be consumed by it, they had less time than originally thought.

“Happy Christmas, everyone,” David said ironically as they approached the Fat Lady to pack.

Though most holidays were spent opening presents, eating pie, and retelling school stories, this was once incident he planned to keep away from the ears of his mother and father, knowing both of them would panic if they found out he was attempting to break into the vaults himself.

Rubbing the back of his neck, David couldn’t help but wish for a quick end to December.

There was much more work to be done, yet.

#hogwarts mystery #hphm #hphm fanfiction #fanfiction #david grant #rowan khanna #charlie weasley #bill weasley #penny haywood #ben copper #nymphadora tonks #ismelda murk #gryffindor #slytherin #hufflepuff #minerva mcgonagall

6 notes · View notes

god-fucking-dammit-mizutani · 5 years

Text

[Title still in progress] Rating: G | Word Count: 2,100 Bokuroo Week: Day 5 - Tattoo Tags: Tattoo Shop AU, Coffee Shop AU, Humor, Romance, Minor Background Relationship(s), Bokuroo Week Day 5 Part: 1 / 2 “I'm new,” Bokuto says. This, Kuroo knows. Someone like Bokuto is hard to forget. “To coffee,” he clarifies with a shrug. Kuroo's not really sure if it was a necessary addition, sensical even, but god if he doesn't feel some type of way just listening to this man talk. “Tea drinker?” Kuroo asks, grinning. Bokuto grimaces. “Not a chance. Stuffs like wet salad.”

“Uh-huh,” Kuroo agrees. It's been so long since he's used his phone to actually call someone that the irritation against his ear feels raw despite how shortly he's been using it. Quickly, Kuroo switches to his left ear and laughs quietly into the receiver, “it sure is a sight. I thought it was a myth, you know? Oh my,” his mouth pulls along both syllables as long as it'll stretch.

The brunette in front of him narrows his eyes up at Kuroo, fingers curling down impatiently against the laminate wood. Watercolor petals and inked vines shine beautifully under the dusty sun, all the way down the length of his arm until they wrap around each digit like rings.

The guy's companion hasn't stopped scowling up into the other's hairline since Kuroo had come to their rescue. He grins.

“No, no, I'm still here,” Kuroo tells the person on the other line. “Yes, so are they. Don't think they're going anywhere. Like I said,” he squints between them, what little space there is, and tries to hide his amused smirk by switching ears again,”they're very stuck. The stuckiest.”

“Tell hi--” the brunette starts, only for his companion to yowl, choking on, “don't spe--!”

“He's writing something,” Kuroo narrates.

The brunette waves the now ink filled napkin at Kuroo, instinctively moving forward to hand it off, but this jolts the darker haired man to follow. There isn't much give between them, what with the clefts of their mouths held fastly together by golden ringlets.Sun glares off the gold of their combined jewelry, directly into his eyes and--Ok, serves him right.

Kuroo takes the paper and recites in as a dry tone he can conjure, “Get your ass over here and help me, you owl turd.”

The other line erupts in the loudest, gut deep laughter Kuroo has heard in ages. He checks briefly to see if he somehow cheeked the speaker icon. Even at a distance, Kuroo can hear the laughter ringing.

“Ok, bye bye.” Kuroo hangs up. “You’re welcome,” he tells the two, one glaring straight at him, the other trying to from the corner of his one visible eye.

“You--” the brunette starts before the darker haired man slaps the table. But that's a whole other mistake, because the brunette jumps and they both yelp as their mouths tug away from each other, and then collide.

Kuroo slips his phone into his apron pocket, biting down his laughter.

“Thank god,” Kenma groans, slinking into his usual set up, chair turned all the way up to the wall.

Kuroo huffs a laugh as Kenma quickly summons his DS from his pocket. There's a minute of eight bit music before he kills the sound.

“I thought they'd be here forever,” Kenma sighs, resting his head against the wall. Above him this week's current art exhibit sits tilted, a cross-stitched masterpiece that proudly exclaims, Damn with an appropriately centered rainbow accompanying it.

“They're still here,” Kuroo reminds him, falling back into the empty chair. He rests his broom up against the wall and it tilts down and away from him, catching on the main door’s frame. “And I think they can hear you,” he leans back in his chair.

Kenma looks up at the group now huddled a few feet towards the room's center with a tempered scowl. “That’ll teach them to make out in public.” He returns back to his game, unbothered.

One of them mutters, probably a complaint.

“Hold still,” their newest member chastises them. Kuroo’s never heard someone sound so cheerful and commanding before.

Bokuto. Kuroo remembers the name from the first napkin that'd been thumped against his chest, the demand, call him underlined twice.

So late in the evening, the sun has hidden itself quite well behind the taller buildings in the shopping center. He looks through the window sitting between himself and Kenma, watching as people hurry on their way home from work. He thinks about checking again, to see if he really did turn the open sign over to closed, but Kenma will just call him paranoid again.

Kuroo turns at a flash of light. The flashlight of a phone hits him in the eyes. One of them holds it up higher while Bokuto works. Kuroo snickers. Someone had told him the first time he complained about the dim lighting of the cafe's interior, trying to scrub down the dark counters, that it was for the ambiance.

He's not sure ‘customers can't find the connection between two lip rings that idiots got stuck together while making out in the dark’ would be an adequate enough of a need to get the owner's to shell out for better lighting.

“And--!” Bokuto says, somehow sounding like he's got an ensemble drum roll on his payroll, “We're done!”

The bell above the entrance door chimes and slams shut as the darker haired man runs out upon immediate extraction.

It chimes again, a second later, and he's back. Kuroo sees the scarlet hue to his face just before he doubles over in a half body bow.

“Very sorry for causing trouble!” he shouts. The door slams back shut. Kuroo watches him stiffly power walk past the window. Kenma looks up for only a second, shrugging when Kuroo meets his eyes.

“That adorable brat,” the other scowls, chasing his boyfriend? out the door. He doesn't come back.

Bokuto pulls off his sanitary gloves and drops them in the nearby receptacle. He is a stout man, the spring jacket he's wearing perhaps a size too small to contain his arms. He grins at the two of them at the table, resting his hand on his hip as he says, “Thanks for helping Oikawa!”

Confidence exudes from this man.

Kenma doesn't look up. “You did all the work.”

“He's right,” Kuroo nods, folding his arms at his chest. “I wasn't going to touch them with my bare hands.”

Bokuto cocks a dark eyebrow. A single stud just beneath the hair raises with it. “This place doesn't have sanitary gloves?”

Kuroo feels his eyes widen. “No, no we do. Let me rephrase. I wasn't going to touch them.”

Kenma snorts. Bokuto lets out a short, coughing laugh.

“I've got to get back and finish closing up,” Bokuto tells them, waving. Kuroo sees him to the door. Watching the man jog lightly across the street is just an added bonus for his trouble. Bokuto makes it two stores down before disappearing into the tattoo parlor over there.

Kuroo checks the sign on the outside of the door before locking up again. He grabs for the abandoned broom and gets back to sweeping. Kenma turns the volume back up, and Kuroo sweeps in tune to the background music of TWEWY.

When he looks up, Kenma catches his stare.

“Yes,” he says. “You remembered to change the sign.”

Bokuto grins at him from the other side of the counter the next morning, just a little bit too brightly that Kuroo feels himself go still like a deer caught in the headlights.

“Morning!” he greets, cheerily, his voice reverberating over the humdrum of customers who's outdoor voices are barely half what Kuroo suspects is his indoor.

Sans his jacket, Kuroo's eyes lead him to Bokuto's well inked, well muscled arm.

Damn.

Oikawa's arms had been intricate, beautifully rendered plants that somehow danced between each other as if they had grown together in the wild. Bokuto's different, an eclectic mess of interests and loud colors buzzing up and down the length of his arms, curving at his shoulders and blending into his natural skin.

Kuroo holds back an impressed whistle.

“You work at the tattoo shop,” he says instead. His face burns when he realizes his first words were not the standard, corporate approved greeting. Bokuto doesn't seem to mind.

“Yep,” he says, distractedly, “I help run it.”

His wide eyes run the length of the board, darting about every which way. His gaze never seems to settle and Kuroo wonders if he can read like that.

When he asks, Bokuto goes pink about the ears.

“I'm new,” Bokuto says. This, Kuroo knows. Someone like Bokuto is hard to forget. “To coffee,” he clarifies with a shrug. Kuroo's not really sure if it was a necessary addition, sensical even, but god if he doesn't feel some type of way just listening to this man talk.

“Tea drinker?” Kuroo asks, grinning.

Bokuto grimaces. “Not a chance. Stuffs like wet salad.”

“That's a new one,” Kuroo snorts. “Caffeinated wet salad.”

Bokuto laughs. It is every bit as loud and twice as infectious in person.

“I don't usually take any caffeine,” Bokuto admits, leaning on the counter just a bit.

“Can't relate. I'm on a waitlist for an IV drip,” Kuroo grins. He too leans forward on the counter, crossing an arm in front of him and resting his cheek against the other. Kuroo breathes in and it is amazing that under the burnt coffee and the settled scent of wood around them, that he can smell the thick, heady cologne clinging about Bokuto. “Did you want a recommendation?”

“Sure!”

Kuroo pulls back, grabbing for a small cup and writing the man's name across the bend of it with directions for Daichi. Bokuto watches excitedly as he hands it off.

Those eyes, Kuroo thinks, are so bright, so bewitching when they fixate back on him that he is so very, very glad when Daichi starts the grinder because he thinks his heart could be heard jack hammering away otherwise. He runs his hands against his half apron and swallows thickly.

#bokuroo #bokuroo week #bokuto koutarou #kuroo tetsurou #haikyuu!!#kuroo is a smitten kitten #sparkle garbage #Fic will be posted to ao3 once I've finished the second half~#tumblr eats my italics #and I just let them win this war now tbh

12 notes · View notes

palecroissantgothstudent-blog · 5 years

Text

Yo yo bro

SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. �� OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. �� GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. �� SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe. THE END

2 notes · View notes

precious-bunny · 5 years

Text

SHREK Once upon a time there was a lovely princess. But she had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. (laughs) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - (toilet flush) Allstar - by Smashmouth begins to play. Shrek goes about his day. While in a nearby town, the villagers get together to go after the ogre. NIGHT - NEAR SHREK'S HOME MAN1 Think it's in there? MAN2 All right. Let's get it! MAN1 Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing can do to you? MAN3 Yeah, it'll grind your bones for it's bread. Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs. SHREK Yes, well, actually, that would be a giant. Now, ogres, oh they're much worse. They'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. MEN No! SHREK They'll shave your liver. Squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. MAN1 Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (waves the torch at Shrek.) Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly and long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark. SHREK This is the part where you run away. (The men scramble to get away. He laughs.) And stay out! (looks down and picks up a piece of paper. Reads.) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures."(He sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder.) THE NEXT DAY There is a line of fairy tale creatures. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. Some of the people in line are Peter Pan, who is carrying Tinkerbell in a cage, Gipetto who's carrying Pinocchio, and a farmer who is carrying the three little pigs. GUARD All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! HEAD GUARD Next! GUARD (taking the witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over. (breaks the broom in half) HEAD GUARD That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! GUARD Get up! Come on! HEAD GUARD Twenty pieces. LITTLE BEAR (crying) This cage is too small. DONKEY Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! OLD WOMAN Oh, shut up. (jerks his rope) DONKEY Oh! HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? GIPETTO This little wooden puppet. PINOCCHIO I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (his nose grows) HEAD GUARD Five shillings for the possessed toy. Take it away. PINOCCHIO Father, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! Gipetto takes the money and walks off. The old woman steps up to the table. HEAD GUARD Next! What have you got? OLD WOMAN Well, I've got a talking donkey. HEAD GUARD Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. OLD WOMAN Oh, go ahead, little fella. Donkey just looks up at her. HEAD GUARD Well? OLD WOMAN Oh, oh, he's just...he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. Talk, you boneheaded dolt... HEAD GUARD That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! OLD WOMAN No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. HEAD GUARD Get her out of my sight. OLD WOMAN No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan's hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly. DONKEY Hey! I can fly! PETER PAN He can fly! 3 LITTLE PIGS He can fly! HEAD GUARD He can talk! DONKEY Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground.) He hits the ground with a thud. HEAD GUARD Seize him! (Donkey takes of running.) After him! GUARDS He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek. HEAD GUARD You there. Ogre! SHREK Aye? HEAD GUARD By the order of Lord Farquaad I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. SHREK Oh, really? You and what army? He looks behind the guard and the guard turns to look as well and we see that the other men have run off. The guard tucks tail and runs off. Shrek laughs and goes back about his business and begins walking back to his cottage. DONKEY Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! SHREK Are you talkin' to...(he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him.) Whoa! DONKEY Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. SHREK Oh, that's great. Really. DONKEY Man, it's good to be free. SHREK Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? DONKEY But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. You're mean, green, fightin' machine. Together we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. Shrek turns and regards Donkey for a moment before roaring very loudly. DONKEY Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time...(Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand.) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. SHREK Why are you following me? DONKEY I'll tell you why. (singing) 'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, But you gotta have faith... SHREK Stop singing! It's no wonder you don't have any friends. DONKEY Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. SHREK Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? DONKEY (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? SHREK No! I'm an ogre! You know. "Grab your torch and pitchforks." Doesn't that bother you? DONKEY Nope. SHREK Really? DONKEY Really, really. SHREK Oh. DONKEY Man, I like you. What's you name? SHREK Uh, Shrek. DONKEY Shrek? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and you can see Shrek's cottage.) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? SHREK That would be my home. DONKEY Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. I guess you don't entertain much, do you? SHREK I like my privacy. DONKEY You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? SHREK Uh, what? DONKEY Can I stay with you, please? SHREK (sarcastically) Of course! DONKEY Really? SHREK No. DONKEY Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. You gotta let me stay! Please! Please! SHREK Okay! Okay! But one night only. DONKEY Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) SHREK What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair.) No! No! DONKEY This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. SHREK Oh! DONKEY Where do, uh, I sleep? SHREK (irritated) Outside! DONKEY Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek slams the door.) (sigh) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone...there's no one here beside me... SHREK'S COTTAGE - NIGHT Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff. SHREK (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. DONKEY (from the window) I am outside. There is another noise and Shrek turns to find the person that made the noise. He sees several shadows moving. He finally turns and spots 3 blind mice on his table. BLIND MOUSE1 Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? BLIND MOUSE2 It's not home, but it'll do just fine. GORDO (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. SHREK Got ya. (Grabs a mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder.) GORDO I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) SHREK Ow! GORDO Blah! Awful stuff. BLIND MOUSE1 Is that you, Gordo? GORDO How did you know? SHREK Enough! (he grabs the 3 mice) What are you doing in my house? (He gets bumped from behind and he drops the mice.) Hey! (he turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table.) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. DWARF Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. SHREK Huh? Shrek marches over to the bedroom and throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is sitting in the bed. The wolf just looks at him. BIG BAD WOLF What? TIME LAPSE Shrek now has the Big Bad Wolf by the collar and is dragging him to the front door. SHREK I live in a swamp. I put up signs. I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do get a little privacy? (He opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land.) Oh, no. No! No! The 3 bears sit around the fire, the pied piper is playing his pipe and the rats are all running to him, some elves are directing flight traffic so that the fairies and witches can land...etc. SHREK What are you doing in my swamp? (this echoes and everyone falls silent.) Gasps are heard all around. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent. SHREK All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) DONKEY Hey, don't look at me. I didn't invite them. PINOCCHIO Oh, gosh, no one invited us. SHREK What? PINOCCHIO We were forced to come here. SHREK (flabbergasted) By who? LITTLE PIG Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he...signed an eviction notice. SHREK (heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers. DONKEY Oh, I do. I know where he is. SHREK Does anyone else know where to find him? Anyone at all? DONKEY Me! Me! SHREK Anyone? DONKEY Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! SHREK (sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale things. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd goes wild.) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. DONKEY All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! DONKEY (singing) On the road again. Sing it with me, Shrek. I can't wait to get on the road again. SHREK What did I say about singing? DONKEY Can I whistle? SHREK No. DONKEY Can I hum it? SHREK All right, hum it. Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again'. DULOC - KITCHEN A masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. Lord Farquaad walks in. FARQUAAD That's enough. He's ready to talk. The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered. FARQUAAD (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the gingerbread man. GINGERBREAD MAN You are a monster. FARQUAAD I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell �� me! Where are the others? GINGERBREAD MAN Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye.) FARQUAAD I've tried to be fair to you creatures. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll...(he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) GINGERBREAD MAN No, no, not the buttons. Not my gumdrop buttons. FARQUAAD All right then. Who's hiding them? GINGERBREAD MAN Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the muffin man? FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man. FARQUAAD Yes, I know the muffin man, who lives on Drury Lane? GINGERBREAD MAN Well, she's married to the muffin man. FARQUAAD The muffin man? GINGERBREAD MAN The muffin man! FARQUAAD She's married to the muffin man. The door opens and the Head Guard walks in. HEAD GUARD My lord! We found it. FARQUAAD Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror. GINGERBREAD MAN (in awe) Ohhhh... FARQUAAD Magic mirror... GINGERBREAD MAN Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid.) No! FARQUAAD Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? MIRROR Well, technically you're not a king. FARQUAAD Uh, Thelonius. (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist.) You were saying? MIRROR What I mean is you're not a king yet. But you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. FARQUAAD Go on. MIRROR (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a kingdom far, far away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three? GUARDS Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! FARQUAAD Three? One? Three? THELONIUS Three! (holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! FARQUAAD Okay, okay, uh, number three! MIRROR Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... MIRROR But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. FARQUAAD I'll do it. MIRROR Yes, but after sunset... FARQUAAD Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and DuLoc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. (smiles evilly) DuLoc Parking Lot - Lancelot Section Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 stories high. DONKEY But that's it. That's it right there. That's DuLoc. I told ya I'd find it. SHREK So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. DONKEY Uh-huh. That's the place. SHREK Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot.) DONKEY Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. MAN Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. SHREK Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek.) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just - - I just - - (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into DuLoc.) DULOC They look around but all is quiet. SHREK It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? DONKEY Hey, look at this! Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden people inside and they begin to sing. WOODEN PEOPLE Welcome to DuLoc such a perfect town Here we have some rules Let us lay them down Don't make waves, stay in line And we'll get along fine DuLoc is perfect place Please keep off of the grass Shine your shoes, wipe your... face DuLoc is, DuLoc is DuLoc is perfect place. Suddenly a camera takes Donkey and Shrek's picture. DONKEY Wow! Let's do that again! (makes ready to run over and pull the lever again) SHREK (grabs Donkey's tail and holds him still) No. No. No, no, no! No. They hear a trumpet fanfare and head over to the arena. FARQUAAD Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... As Shrek and Donkey walk down the tunnel to get into the arena Donkey is humming the DuLoc theme song. SHREK All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. DONKEY Sorry about that. FARQUAAD That champion shall have the honor - - no, no - - the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of the dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it's a sacrifice I am willing to make. (cheers) Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? It's hideous! SHREK (turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. FARQUAAD Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have it him! MEN Get him! SHREK Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) CROWD Go ahead! Get him! SHREK (holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? CROWD Kill the beast! SHREK No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! He takes the mug and smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer behind him. The beer comes rushing out drenching the other men and wetting the ground. It's like mud now. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. Suffice to say that Shrek kicks butt. DONKEY Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkeys. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd. SHREK Yeah! A man tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him. WOMAN The chair! Give him the chair! Shrek smashes a chair over the guys back. Finally all the men are down. Donkey kicks one of them in the helmet, and the ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild. SHREK Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! Ha, ha! (laughs) The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek. HEAD GUARD Shall I give the order, sir? FARQUAAD No, I have a better idea. People of DuLoc, I give you our champion! SHREK What? FARQUAAD Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. SHREK Quest? I'm already in a quest, a quest to get my swamp back. FARQUAAD Your swamp? SHREK Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! FARQUAAD Indeed. All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. SHREK Exactly the way it was? FARQUAAD Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. SHREK And the squatters? FARQUAAD As good as gone. SHREK What kind of quest? Time Lapse - Donkey and Shrek are now walking through the field heading away from DuLoc. Shrek is munching on an onion. DONKEY Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back a swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? SHREK You know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. DONKEY I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grinds his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. SHREK Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? DONKEY Uh, no, not really, no. SHREK For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. DONKEY Example? SHREK Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (he holds out his onion) DONKEY (sniffs the onion) They stink? SHREK Yes - - No! DONKEY They make you cry? SHREK No! DONKEY You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. SHREK No! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) DONKEY (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. {Sniffs} You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. SHREK I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. DONKEY You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. SHREK No! You dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! And of story. Bye-bye. See ya later. DONKEY Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. SHREK You know, I think I preferred your humming. DONKEY Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. They head off. There is a montage of their journey. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. DRAGON'S KEEP Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano. DONKEY (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. SHREK Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. DONKEY Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding. SHREK Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) DONKEY Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? SHREK Oh, aye. DONKEY Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves. SHREK Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. DONKEY You know what I mean. SHREK You can't tell me you're afraid of heights. DONKEY No, I'm just a little uncomfortable about being on a rickety bridge over a boiling like of lava! SHREK Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support., we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. DONKEY Really? SHREK Really, really. DONKEY Okay, that makes me feel so much better. SHREK Just keep moving. And don't look down. DONKEY Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! SHREK But you're already halfway. DONKEY But I know that half is safe! SHREK Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. DONKEY Shrek, no! Wait! SHREK Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (bounces and sways the bridge) DONKEY Don't do that! SHREK Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (bounces the bridge again) DONKEY Yes, that! SHREK Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) DONKEY No, Shrek! No! Stop it! SHREK You said do it! I'm doin' it. DONKEY I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, �� I'm gonna die. (steps onto solid ground) Oh! SHREK That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (walks towards the castle) DONKEY Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? SHREK Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (chuckles) DONKEY I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. INSIDE THE CASTLE DONKEY You afraid? SHREK No. DONKEY But... SHREK Shh. DONKEY Oh, good. Me neither. (sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. SHREK Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. DONKEY Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. SHREK (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. DONKEY What makes you think she'll be there? SHREK I read it in a book once. (walks off) DONKEY Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) EMPTY ROOM Donkey is still talking to himself as he looks around the room. DONKEY I'm gonna take drastic steps. Kick it to the curb. Don't mess with me. I'm the stair master. I've mastered the stairs. I wish I had a step right here. I'd step all over it. ELSEWHERE Shrek spots a light in the tallest tower window. SHREK Well, at least we know where the princess is, but where's the... DONKEY (os) Dragon! Donkey gasps and takes off running as the dragon roars again. Shrek manages to grab Donkey out of the way just as the dragon breathes fire. SHREK Donkey, look out! (he manages to get a hold of the dragons tail and holds on) Got ya! The dragon gets irritated at this and flicks it's tail and Shrek goes flying through the air and crashes through the roof of the tallest tower. Fiona wakes up with a jerk and looks at him lying on the floor. DONKEY Oh! Aah! Aah! Donkey get cornered as the Dragon knocks away all but a small part of the bridge he's on. DONKEY No. Oh, no, No! (the dragon roars) Oh, what large teeth you have. (the dragon growls) I mean white, sparkling teeth. I know you probably hear this all time from your food, but you must bleach, 'cause that is one dazzling smile you got there. Do I detect a hint of minty freshness? And you know what else? You're - - You're a girl dragon! Oh, sure! I mean, of course you're a girl dragon. You're just reeking of feminine beauty. (the dragon begins fluttering her eyes at him) What's the matter with you? You got something in your eye? Ohh. Oh. Oh. Man, I'd really love to stay, but you know, I'm, uh...(the dragon blows a smoke ring in the shape of a heart right at him, and he coughs) I'm an asthmatic, and I don't know if it'd work out if you're gonna blow smoke rings. Shrek! (the dragon picks him up with her teeth and carries him off) No! Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA'S ROOM Shrek groans as he gets up off the floor. His back is to Fiona so she straightens her dress and lays back down on the bed. She then quickly reaches over and gets the bouquet of flowers off the side table. She then lays back down and appears to be asleep. Shrek turns and goes over to her. He looks down at Fiona for a moment and she puckers her lips. Shrek takes her by the shoulders and shakes her away. FIONA Oh! Oh! SHREK Wake up! FIONA What? SHREK Are you Princess Fiona? FIONA I am, awaiting a knight so bold as to rescue me. SHREK Oh, that's nice. Now let's go! FIONA But wait, Sir Knight. This be-ith our first meeting. Should it not be a wonderful, romantic moment? SHREK Yeah, sorry, lady. There's no time. FIONA Hey, wait. What are you doing? You should sweep me off my feet out yonder window and down a rope onto your valiant steed. SHREK You've had a lot of time to plan this, haven't you? FIONA (smiles) Mm-hmm. Shrek breaks the lock on her door and pulls her out and down the hallway. FIONA But we have to savor this moment! You could recite an epic poem for me. A ballad? A sonnet! A limerick? Or something! SHREK I don't think so. FIONA Can I at least know the name of my champion? SHREK Uh, Shrek. FIONA Sir Shrek. (clears throat and holds out a handkerchief) I pray that you take this favor as a token of my gratitude. SHREK Thanks! Suddenly they hear the dragon roar. FIONA (surprised)You didn't slay the dragon? SHREK It's on my to-do list. Now come on! (takes off running and drags Fiona behind him.) FIONA But this isn't right! You were meant to charge in, sword drawn, banner flying. That's what all the other knights did. SHREK Yeah, right before they burst into flame. FIONA That's not the point. (Shrek suddenly stops and she runs into him.) Oh! (Shrek ignores her and heads for a wooden door off to the side.) Wait. Where are you going? The exit's over there. SHREK Well, I have to save my ass. FIONA What kind of knight are you? SHREK One of a kind. (opens the door into the throne room) DONKEY (os) Slow down. Slow down, baby, please. I believe it's healthy to get to know someone over a long period of time. Just call me old-fashioned. (laughs worriedly) (we see him up close and from a distance as Shrek sneaks into the room) I don't want to rush into a physical relationship. I'm not emotionally ready for a commitment of, uh, this - - Magnitude really is the word I'm looking for. Magnitude- - Hey, that is unwanted physical contact. Hey, what are you doing? Okay, okay. Let's just back up a little and take this one step at a time. We really should get to know each other first as friends or pen pals. I'm on the road a lot, but I just love receiving cards - - I'd really love to stay, but - - Don't do that! That's my tail! That's my personal tail. You're gonna tear it off. I don't give permission - - What are you gonna do with that? Hey, now. No way. No! No! No, no! No. No, no, no. No! Oh! Shrek grabs a chain that's connected to the chandelier and swings toward the dragon. He misses and he swings back again. He looks up and spots that the chandelier is right above the dragons head. He pulls on the chain and it releases and he falls down and bumps Donkey out of the way right as the dragon is about to kiss him. Instead the dragon kisses Shreks' butt. She opens her eyes and roars. Shrek lets go of the chain and the chandelier falls onto her head, but it's too big and it goes over her head and forms a sort of collar for her. She roars again and Shrek and Donkey take off running. Very 'Matrix' style. Shrek grabs Donkey and then grabs Princess Fiona as he runs past her. DONKEY Hi, Princess! FIONA It talks! SHREK Yeah, it's getting him to shut up that's the trick. They all start screaming as the dragon gains on them. Shrek spots a descending slide and jumps on. But unfortunately there is a crack in the stone and it hits Shrek right in the groin. His eyes cross and as he reaches the bottom of the slide he stumbles off and walks lightly. SHREK Oh! Shrek gets them close to the exit and sets down Donkey and Fiona. SHREK Okay, you two, heard for the exit! I'll take care of the dragon. Shrek grabs a sword and heads back toward the interior of the castle. He throws the sword down in between several overlapping chain links. The chain links are attached to the chandelier that is still around the dragons neck. SHREK (echoing) Run! They all take off running for the exit with the dragon in hot pursuit. They make it to the bridge and head across. The dragons breathes fire and the bridge begins to burn. They all hang on for dear life as the ropes holding the bridge up collapse. They are swung to the other side. As they hang upside down they look in horror as the dragon makes to fly over the boiling lava to get them. But suddenly the chandelier with the chain jerk the dragon back and she's unable to get to them. Our gang climbs quickly to safety as the dragon looks angry and then gives a sad whimper as she watches Donkey walk away. FIONA (sliding down the 'volcano' hill) You did it! You rescued me! You're amazing. (behind her Donkey falls down the hill) You're - - You're wonderful. You're... (turns and sees Shrek fall down the hill and bump into Donkey) a little unorthodox I'll admit. But thy deed is great, and thy heart is pure. I am eternally in your debt. (Donkey clears his throat.) And where would a brave knight be without his noble steed? DONKEY I hope you heard that. She called me a noble steed. She think I'm a steed. FIONA The battle is won. You may remove your helmet, good Sir Knight. SHREK Uh, no. FIONA Why not? SHREK I have helmet hair. FIONA Please. I would'st look upon the face of my rescuer. SHREK No, no, you wouldn't - - 'st. FIONA But how will you kiss me? SHREK What? (to Donkey) That wasn't in the job description. DONKEY Maybe it's a perk. FIONA No, it's destiny. Oh, you must know how it goes. A princess locked in a tower and beset by a dragon is rescued by a brave knight, and then they share true love's first kiss. DONKEY Hmm? With Shrek? You think- - Wait. Wait. You think that Shrek is you true love? FIONA Well, yes. Both Donkey and Shrek burst out laughing. DONKEY You think Shrek is your true love! FIONA What is so funny? SHREK Let's just say I'm not your type, okay?Fiona: Of course, you are. You're my rescuer. Now - - Now remove your helmet. SHREK Look. I really don't think this is a good idea. FIONA Just take off the helmet. SHREK I'm not going to. FIONA Take it off. SHREK No! FIONA Now! SHREK Okay! Easy. As you command. Your Highness. (takes off his helmet) FIONA You- - You're a- - an ogre. SHREK Oh, you were expecting Prince Charming. FIONA Well, yes, actually. Oh, no. This is all wrong. You're not supposed to be an ogre. SHREK Princess, I was sent to rescue you by Lord Farquaad, okay? He is the one who wants to marry you. FIONA Then why didn't he come rescue me? SHREK Good question. You should ask him that when we get there. FIONA But I have to be rescued by my true love, not by some ogre and his- - his pet. DONKEY Well, so much for noble steed. SHREK You're not making my job any easier. FIONA I'm sorry, but your job is not my problem. You can tell Lord Farquaad that if he wants to rescue me properly, I'll be waiting for him right here. SHREK Hey! I'm no one's messenger boy, all right? (ominous) I'm a delivery boy. (he swiftly picks her up and swings her over his shoulder like she was a sack of potatoes) FIONA You wouldn't dare. Put me down! SHREK Ya comin', Donkey? DONKEY I'm right behind ya. FIONA Put me down, or you will suffer the consequences! This is not dignified! Put me down! WOODS A little time has passed and Fiona has calmed down. She just hangs there limply while Shrek carries her. DONKEY Okay, so here's another question. Say there's a woman that digs you, right, but you don't really like her that way. How do you let her down real easy so her feelings aren't hurt, but you don't get burned to a crisp and eaten? FIONA You just tell her she's not your true love. Everyone knows what happens when you find your...(Shrek drops her on the ground) Hey! The sooner we get to DuLoc the better. DONKEY You're gonna love it there, Princess. It's beautiful! FIONA And what of my groom-to-be? Lord Farquaad? What's he like? SHREK Let me put it this way, Princess. Men of Farquaad's stature are in short supply. (he and Donkey laugh) Shrek then proceeds to splash water onto his face to wash off the dust and grime. DONKEY I don't know. There are those who think little of him. (they laugh again) Fiona: Stop it. Stop it, both of you. You're just jealous you can never measure up to a great ruler like Lord Farquaad. SHREK Yeah, well, maybe you're right, Princess. But I'll let you do the "measuring" when you see him tomorrow. FIONA (looks at the setting sun) Tomorrow? It'll take that long? Shouldn't we stop to make camp? SHREK No, that'll take longer. We can keep going. FIONA But there's robbers in the woods. DONKEY Whoa! Time out, Shrek! Camp is starting to sound good. SHREK Hey, come on. I'm scarier than anything we're going to see in this forest. FIONA I need to find somewhere to camp now! Both Donkey and Shrek's ears lower as they shrink away from her. MOUNTAIN CLIFF Shrek has found a cave that appears to be in good order. He shoves a stone boulder out of the way to reveal the cave. SHREK Hey! Over here. DONKEY Shrek, we can do better than that. I don't think this is fit for a princess. FIONA No, no, it's perfect. It just needs a few homey touches. SHREK Homey touches? Like what? (he hears a tearing noise and looks over at Fiona who has torn the bark off of a tree.) FIONA A door? Well, gentlemen, I bid thee good night. (goes into the cave and puts the bark door up behind her) DONKEY You want me to read you a bedtime story? I will. FIONA (os) I said good night! Shrek looks at Donkey for a second and then goes to move the boulder back in front of the entrance to the cave with Fiona still inside. DONKEY Shrek, What are you doing? SHREK (laughs) I just- - You know - - Oh, come on. I was just kidding. LATER THAT NIGHT Shrek and Donkey are sitting around a campfire. They are staring up into the sky as Shrek points out certain star constellations to Donkey. SHREK And, uh, that one, that's Throwback, the only ogre to ever spit over three wheat fields. DONKEY Right. Yeah. Hey, can you tell my future from these stars? SHREK The stars don't tell the future, Donkey. They tell stories. Look, there's Bloodnut, the Flatulent. You can guess what he's famous for. DONKEY I know you're making this up. SHREK No, look. There he is, and there's the group of hunters running away from his stench. DONKEY That ain't nothin' but a bunch of little dots. SHREK You know, Donkey, sometimes things are more than they appear. Hmm? Forget it. DONKEY (heaves a big sigh) Hey, Shrek, what we gonna do when we get our swamp anyway? SHREK Our swamp? DONKEY You know, when we're through rescuing the princess. SHREK We? Donkey, there's no "we". There's no "our". There's just me and my swamp. The first thing I'm gonna do is build a ten-foot wall around my land. DONKEY You cut me deep, Shrek. You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? I think this whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out. SHREK No, do ya think? DONKEY Are you hidin' something? SHREK Never mind, Donkey. DONKEY Oh, this is another one of those onion things, isn't it? SHREK No, this is one of those drop-it and leave-it alone things. DONKEY Why don't you want to talk about it? SHREK Why do you want to talk about it? DONKEY Why are you blocking? SHREK I'm not blocking. DONKEY Oh, yes, you are. SHREK Donkey, I'm warning you. DONKEY Who you trying to keep out? SHREK Everyone! Okay? DONKEY (pause) Oh, now we're gettin' somewhere. (grins) At this point Fiona pulls the 'door' away from the entrance to the cave and peaks out. Neither of the guys see her. SHREK Oh! For the love of Pete! (gets up and walks over to the edge of the cliff and sits down) DONKEY What's your problem? What you got against the whole world anyway? SHREK Look, I'm not the one with the problem, okay? It's the world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go. "Aah! Help! Run! A big, stupid, ugly ogre!" They judge me before they even know me. That's why I'm better off alone. DONKEY You know what? When we met, I didn't think you was just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. SHREK Yeah, I know. DONKEY So, uh, are there any donkeys up there? SHREK Well, there's, um, Gabby, the Small and Annoying. DONKEY Okay, okay, I see it now. The big shiny one, right there. That one there? Fiona puts the door back. SHREK That's the moon. DONKEY Oh, okay. DuLoc - Farquaad's Bedroom The camera pans over a lot of wedding stuff. Soft music plays in the background. Farquaad is in bed, watching as the Magic Mirror shows him Princess Fiona. FARQUAAD Again, show me again. Mirror, mirror, show her to me. Show me the princess. MIRROR Hmph. The Mirror rewinds and begins to play again from the beginning. FARQUAAD Ah. Perfect. Farquaad looks down at his bare chest and pulls the sheet up to cover himself as though Fiona could see him as he gazes sheepishly at her image in the mirror. MORNING Fiona walks out of the cave. She glances at Shrek and Donkey who are still sleeping. She wanders off into the woods and comes across a blue bird. She begins to sing. The bird sings along with her. She hits higher and higher notes and the bird struggles to keep up with her. Suddenly the pressure of the note is too big and the bird explodes. Fiona looks a little sheepish, but she eyes the eggs that the bird left behind. Time lapse, Fiona is now cooking the eggs for breakfast. Shrek and Donkey are still sleeping. Shrek wakes up and looks at Fiona. Donkey's talking in his sleep. DONKEY (quietly) Mmm, yeah, you know I like it like that. Come on, baby. I said I like it. SHREK Donkey, wake up. (shakes him) DONKEY Huh? What? SHREK Wake up. DONKEY What? (stretches and yawns) FIONA Good morning. Hm, how do you like your eggs? DONKEY Oh, good morning, Princess! Fiona gets up and sets the eggs down in front of them. SHREK What's all this about? FIONA You know, we kind of got off to a bad start yesterday. I wanted to make it up to you. I mean, after all, you did rescue me. SHREK Uh, thanks. Donkey sniffs the eggs and licks his lips. FIONA Well, eat up. We've got a big day ahead of us. (walks off) LATER They are once again on their way. They are walking through the forest. Shrek belches. DONKEY Shrek! SHREK What? It's a compliment. Better out than in, I always say. (laughs) DONKEY Well, it's no way to behave in front of a princess. Fiona belches FIONA Thanks. DONKEY She's as nasty as you are. SHREK (chuckles) You know, you're not exactly what I expected. FIONA Well, maybe you shouldn't judge people before you get to know them. She smiles and then continues walking, singing softly. Suddenly from out of nowhere, a man swings down and swoops Fiona up into a tree. ROBIN HOOD La liberte! Hey! SHREK Princess! FIONA (to Robin Hood) What are you doing? ROBIN HOOD Be still, mon cherie, for I am you savior! And I am rescuing you from this green...(kisses up her arm while Fiona pulls back in disgust)...beast. SHREK Hey! That's my princess! Go find you own! ROBIN HOOD Please, monster! Can't you see I'm a little busy here? FIONA (getting fed up) Look, pal, I don't know who you think you are! ROBIN HOOD Oh! Of course! Oh, how rude. Please let me introduce myself. Oh, Merry Men. (laughs) Suddenly an accordion begins to play and the Merry men pop out from the bushes. They begin to sing Robin's theme song. MERRY MEN Ta, dah, dah, dah, whoo. ROBIN HOOD I steal from the rich and give to the needy. MERRY MEN He takes a wee percentage, ROBIN HOOD But I'm not greedy. I rescue pretty damsels, man, I'm good. MERRY MEN What a guy, Monsieur Hood. ROBIN HOOD Break it down. I like an honest fight and a saucy little maid... MERRY MEN What he's basically saying is he likes to get... ROBIN HOOD Paid. So...When an ogre in the bush grabs a lady by the tush. That's bad. MERRY MEN That's bad. ROBIN HOOD When a beauty's with a beast it makes me awfully mad. MERRY MEN He's mad, he's really, really mad. ROBIN HOOD I'll take my blade and ram it through your heart, keep your eyes on me, boys 'cause I'm about to start... There is a grunt as Fiona swings down from the tree limb and knocks Robin Hood unconscious. FIONA Man, that was annoying! Shrek looks at her in admiration. MERRY MAN Oh, you little- - (shoots an arrow at Fiona but she ducks out of the way) The arrow flies toward Donkey who jumps into Shrek's arms to get out of the way. The arrow proceeds to just bounce off a tree. Another fight sequence begins and Fiona gives a karate yell and then proceeds to beat the crap out of the Merry Men. There is a very interesting 'Matrix' moment here when Fiona pauses in mid-air to fix her hair. Finally all of the Merry Men are down, and Fiona begins walking away. FIONA Uh, shall we? SHREK Hold the phone. (drops Donkey and begins walking after Fiona) Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold on now. Where did that come from? FIONA What? SHREK That! Back there. That was amazing! Where did you learn that? FIONA Well...(laughs) when one lives alone, uh, one has to learn these things in case there's a...(gasps and points) there's an arrow in your butt! SHREK What? (turns and looks) Oh, would you look at that? (he goes to pull it out but flinches because it's tender) FIONA Oh, no. This is all my fault. I'm so sorry. DONKEY (walking up) Why? What's wrong? FIONA Shrek's hurt. DONKEY Shrek's hurt. Shrek's hurt? Oh, no, Shrek's gonna die. SHREK Donkey, I'm okay. DONKEY You can't do this to me, Shrek. I'm too young for you to die. Keep you legs elevated. Turn your head and cough. Does anyone know the Heimlich? FIONA Donkey! Calm down. If you want to help Shrek, run into the woods and find me a blue flower with red thorns. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Okay, I'm on it. Blue flower, red thorns. Don't die Shrek. If you see a long tunnel, stay away from the light! SHREK & FIONA Donkey! DONKEY Oh, yeah. Right. Blue flower, red thorns. (runs off) SHREK What are the flowers for? FIONA (like it's obvious) For getting rid of Donkey. SHREK Ah. FIONA Now you hold still, and I'll yank this thing out. (gives the arrow a little pull) SHREK (jumps away) Ow! Hey! Easy with the yankin'. As they continue to talk Fiona keeps going after the arrow and Shrek keeps dodging her hands. FIONA I'm sorry, but it has to come out. SHREK No, it's tender. FIONA Now, hold on. SHREK What you're doing is the opposite of help. FIONA Don't move. SHREK Look, time out. FIONA Would you...(grunts as Shrek puts his hand over her face to stop her from getting at the arrow) Okay. What do you propose we do? ELSEWHERE Donkey is still looking for the special flower. DONKEY Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. Blue flower, red thorns. This would be so much easier if I wasn't color-blind! Blue flower, red thorns. SHREK (os) Ow! DONKEY Hold on, Shrek! I'm comin'! (rips a flower off a nearby bush that just happens to be a blue flower with red thorns) THE FOREST PATH SHREK Ow! Not good. FIONA Okay. Okay. I can nearly see the head. (Shrek grunts as she pulls) It's just about... SHREK Ow! Ohh! (he jerks and manages to fall over with Fiona on top of him) DONKEY Ahem. SHREK (throwing Fiona off of him) Nothing happend. We were just, uh - - DONKEY Look, if you wanted to be alone, all you had to do was ask. Okay? SHREK Oh, come on! That's the last thing on my mind. The princess here was just- - (Fiona pulls the arrow out) Ugh! (he turns to look at Fiona who holds up the arrow with a smile) Ow! DONKEY Hey, what's that? (nervous chuckle) That's...is that blood? Donkey faints. Shrek walks over and picks him up as they continue on their way. There is a montage of scenes as the group heads back to DuLoc. Shrek crawling up to the top of a tree to make it fall over a small brook so that Fiona won't get wet. Shrek then gets up as Donkey is just about to cross the tree and the tree swings back into it's upright position and Donkey flies off. Shrek swatting and a bunch of flies and mosquitoes. Fiona grabs a nearby spiderweb that's on a tree branch and runs through the field swinging it around to catch the bugs. She then hands it to Shrek who begins eating like it's a treat. As he walks off she licks her fingers. Shrek catching a toad and blowing it up like a balloon and presenting it to Fiona. Fiona catching a snake, blowing it up, fashioning it into a balloon animal and presenting it to Shrek. The group arriving at a windmill that is near DuLoc. WINDMILL SHREK There it is, Princess. Your future awaits you. FIONA That's DuLoc? DONKEY Yeah, I know. You know, Shrek thinks Lord Farquaad's compensating for something, which I think means he has a really...(Shrek steps on his hoof) Ow! SHREK Um, I, uh- - I guess we better move on. FIONA Sure. But, Shrek? I'm - - I'm worried about Donkey. SHREK What? FIONA I mean, look at him. He doesn't look so good. DONKEY What are you talking about? I'm fine. FIONA (kneels to look him in the eyes) That's what they always say, and then next thing you know, you're on your back. (pause) Dead. SHREK You know, she's right. You look awful. Do you want to sit down? FIONA Uh, you know, I'll make you some tea. DONKEY I didn't want to say nothin', but I got this twinge in my neck, and when I turn my head like this, look, (turns his neck in a very sharp way until his head is completely sideways) Ow! See? SHREK Who's hungry? I'll find us some dinner. FIONA I'll get the firewood. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? Oh, man, I can't feel my toes! (looks down and yelps) I don't have any toes! I think I need a hug. SUNSET Shrek has built a fire and is cooking the rest of dinner while Fiona eats. FIONA Mmm. This is good. This is really good. What is this? SHREK Uh, weed rat. Rotisserie style. FIONA No kidding. Well, this is delicious. SHREK Well, they're also great in stews. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I make a mean weed rat stew. (chuckles) Fiona looks at DuLoc and sighs. FIONA I guess I'll be dining a little differently tomorrow night. SHREK Maybe you can come visit me in the swamp sometime. I'll cook all kind of stuff for you. Swamp toad soup, fish eye tartare - - you name it. �� FIONA (smiles) I'd like that. They smiles at each other. SHREK Um, Princess? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I, um, I was wondering...are you...(sighs) Are you gonna eat that? DONKEY (chuckles) Man, isn't this romantic? Just look at that sunset. FIONA (jumps up) Sunset? Oh, no! I mean, it's late. I-It's very late. SHREK What? DONKEY Wait a minute. I see what's goin' on here. You're afraid of the dark, aren't you? FIONA Yes! Yes, that's it. I'm terrified. You know, I'd better go inside. DONKEY Don't feel bad, Princess. I used to be afraid of the dark, too, until - - Hey, no, wait. I'm still afraid of the dark. Shrek sighs FIONA Good night. SHREK Good night. Fiona goes inside the windmill and closes the door. Donkey looks at Shrek with a new eye. DONKEY Ohh! Now I really see what's goin' on here. SHREK Oh, what are you talkin' about? DONKEY I don't even wanna hear it. Look, I'm an animal, and I got instincts. And I know you two were diggin' on each other. I could feel it. SHREK You're crazy. I'm just bringing her back to Farquaad. DONKEY Oh, come on, Shrek. Wake up and smell the pheromones. Just go on in and tell her how you feel. SHREK I- - There's nothing to tell. Besides, even if I did tell her that, well, you know - - and I'm not sayin' I do 'cause I don't - - she's a princess, and I'm - - DONKEY An ogre? SHREK Yeah. An ogre. DONKEY Hey, where you goin'? SHREK To get... move firewood. (sighs) Donkey looks over at the large pile of firewood there already is. TIME LAPSE Donkey opens the door to the Windmill and walks in. Fiona is nowhere to be seen. DONKEY Princess? Princess Fiona? Princess, where are you? Princess? Fiona looks at Donkey from the shadows, but we can't see her. DONKEY It's very spooky in here. I ain't playing no games. Suddenly Fiona falls from the railing. She gets up only she doesn't look like herself. She looks like an ogre and Donkey starts freaking out. DONKEY Aah! FIONA Oh, no! DONKEY No, help! FIONA Shh! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA No, it's okay. It's okay. DONKEY What did you do with the princess? FIONA Donkey, I'm the princess. DONKEY Aah! FIONA It's me, in this body. DONKEY Oh, my God! You ate the princess. (to her stomach) Can you hear me? FIONA Donkey! DONKEY (still aimed at her stomach) Listen, keep breathing! I'll get you out of there! FIONA No! DONKEY Shrek! Shrek! Shrek! FIONA Shh. DONKEY Shrek! FIONA This is me. Donkey looks into her eyes as she pets his muzzle, and he quiets down. DONKEY Princess? What happened to you? You're, uh, uh, uh, different. FIONA I'm ugly, okay? DONKEY Well, yeah! Was it something you ate? 'Cause I told Shrek those rats was a bad idea. You are what you eat, I said. Now - - FIONA No. I - - I've been this way as long as I can remember. DONKEY What do you mean? Look, I ain't never seen you like this before. FIONA It only happens when sun goes down. "By night one way, by day another. This shall be the norm... until you find true love's first kiss... and then take love's true form." DONKEY Ah, that's beautiful. I didn't know you wrote poetry. FIONA It's a spell. (sigh) When I was a little girl, a witch cast a spell on me. Every night I become this. This horrible, ugly beast! I was placed in a tower to await the day my true love would rescue me. That's why I have to marry Lord Farquaad tomorrow before the sun sets and he sees me like this. (begins to cry) DONKEY All right, all right. Calm down. Look, it's not that bad. You're not that ugly. Well, I ain't gonna lie. You are ugly. But you only look like this at night. Shrek's ugly 24-7. FIONA But Donkey, I'm a princess, and this is not how a princess is meant to look. DONKEY Princess, how 'bout if you don't marry Farquaad? FIONA I have to. Only my true love's kiss can break the spell. DONKEY But, you know, um, you're kind of an orge, and Shrek - - well, you got a lot in common. FIONA Shrek? OUTSIDE Shrek is walking towards the windmill with a sunflower in his hand. SHREK (to himself) Princess, I - - Uh, how's it going, first of all? Good? Um, good for me too. I'm okay. I saw this flower and thought of you because it's pretty and - - well, I don't really like it, but I thought you might like it 'cause you're pretty. But I like you anyway. I'd - - uh, uh...(sighs) I'm in trouble. Okay, here we go. He walks up to the door and pauses outside when he hears Donkey and Fiona talking. FIONA (os) I can't just marry whoever I want. Take a good look at me, Donkey. I mean, really, who can ever love a beast so hideous and ugly? "Princess" and "ugly" don't go together. That's why I can't stay here with Shrek. Shrek steps back in shock. FIONA (os) My only chance to live happily ever after is to marry my true love. Shrek heaves a deep sigh. He throws the flower down and walks away. INSIDE FIONA Don't you see, Donkey? That's just how it has to be. It's the only way to break the spell. DONKEY You at least gotta tell Shrek the truth. FIONA No! You can't breathe a word. No one must ever know. DONKEY What's the point of being able to talk if you gotta keep secrets? FIONA Promise you won't tell. Promise! DONKEY All right, all right. I won't tell him. But you should. (goes outside) I just know before this is over, I'm gonna need a whole lot of serious therapy. Look at my eye twitchin'. Fiona comes out the door and watches him walk away. She looks down and spots the sunflower. She picks it up before going back inside the windmill. MORNING Donkey is asleep. Shrek is nowhere to be seen. Fiona is still awake. She is plucking petals from the sunflower. FIONA I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him, I tell him not. I tell him. (she quickly runs to the door and goes outside) Shrek! Shrek, there's something I want...(she looks and sees the rising sun, and as the sun crests the sky she turns back into a human.) Just as she looks back at the sun she sees Shrek stomping towards her. FIONA Shrek. Are you all right? SHREK Perfect! Never been better. FIONA I - - I don't - - There's something I have to tell you. SHREK You don't have to tell me anything, Princess. I heard enough last night. FIONA You heard what I said? SHREK Every word. FIONA I thought you'd understand. SHREK Oh, I understand. Like you said, "Who could love a hideous, ugly beast?" FIONA But I thought that wouldn't matter to you. SHREK Yeah? Well, it does. (Fiona looks at him in shock. He looks past her and spots a group approaching.) Ah, right on time. Princess, I've brought you a little something. Farquaad has arrived with a group of his men. He looks very regal sitting up on his horse. You would never guess that he's only like 3 feet tall. Donkey wakes up with a yawn as the soldiers march by. DONKEY What'd I miss? What'd I miss? (spots the soldiers) (muffled) Who said that? Couldn't have been the donkey. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona. SHREK As promised. Now hand it over. FARQUAAD Very well, ogre. (holds out a piece of paper) The deed to your swamp, cleared out, as agreed. Take it and go before I change my mind. (Shrek takes the paper) Forgive me, Princess, for startling you, but you startled me, for I have never seen such a radiant beauty before. I'm Lord Farquaad. FIONA Lord Farquaad? Oh, no, no. (Farquaad snaps his fingers) Forgive me, my lord, for I was just saying a short... (Watches as Farquaad is lifted off his horse and set down in front of her. He comes to her waist.) farewell. FARQUAAD Oh, that is so sweet. You don't have to waste good manners on the ogre. It's not like it has feelings. FIONA No, you're right. It doesn't. Donkey watches this exchange with a curious look on his face. FARQUAAD Princess Fiona, beautiful, fair, flawless Fiona. I ask your hand in marriage. Will you be the perfect bride for the perfect groom? FIONA Lord Farquaad, I accept. Nothing would make - - FARQUAAD (interrupting) Excellent! I'll start the plans, for tomorrow we wed! FIONA No! I mean, uh, why wait? Let's get married today before the sun sets. FARQUAAD Oh, anxious, are you? You're right. The sooner, the better. There's so much to do! There's the caterer, the cake, the band, the guest list. Captain, round up some guests! (a guard puts Fiona on the back of his horse) FIONA Fare-thee-well, ogre. Farquaad's whole party begins to head back to DuLoc. Donkey watches them go. DONKEY Shrek, what are you doing? You're letting her get away. SHREK Yeah? So what? DONKEY Shrek, there's something about her you don't know. Look, I talked to her last night, She's - - SHREK I know you talked to her last night. You're great pals, aren't ya? Now, if you two are such good friends, why don't you follow her home? DONKEY Shrek, I - - I wanna go with you. SHREK I told you, didn't I? You're not coming home with me. I live alone! My swamp! Me! Nobody else! Understand? Nobody! Especially useless, pathetic, annoying, talking donkeys! DONKEY But I thought - - SHREK Yeah. You know what? You thought wrong! (stomps off) DONKEY Shrek. Montage of different scenes. Shrek arriving back home. Fiona being fitted for the wedding dress. Donkey at a stream running into the dragon. Shrek cleaning up his house. Fiona eating dinner alone. Shrek eating dinner alone. SHREK'S HOME Shrek is eating dinner when he hears a sound outside. He goes outside to investigate. SHREK Donkey? (Donkey ignores him and continues with what he's doing.) What are you doing? DONKEY I would think, of all people, you would recognize a wall when you see one. SHREK Well, yeah. But the wall's supposed to go around my swamp, not through it. DONKEY It is around your half. See that's your half, and this is my half. SHREK Oh! Your half. Hmm. DONKEY Yes, my half. I helped rescue the princess. I did half the work. I get half the booty. Now hand me that big old rock, the one that looks like your head. SHREK Back off! DONKEY No, you back off. SHREK This is my swamp! DONKEY Our swamp. SHREK (grabs the tree branch Donkey is working with) Let go, Donkey! DONKEY You let go. SHREK Stubborn jackass! DONKEY Smelly ogre. SHREK Fine! (drops the tree branch and walks away) DONKEY Hey, hey, come back here. I'm not through with you yet. SHREK Well, I'm through with you. DONKEY Uh-uh. You know, with you it's always, "Me, me, me!" Well, guess what! Now it's my turn! So you just shut up and pay attention! You are mean to me. You insult me and you don't appreciate anything that I do! You're always pushing me around or pushing me away. SHREK Oh, yeah? Well, if I treated you so bad, how come you came back? DONKEY Because that's what friends do! They forgive each other! SHREK Oh, yeah. You're right, Donkey. I forgive you... for stabbin' me in the back! (goes into the outhouse and slams the door) DONKEY Ohh! You're so wrapped up in layers, onion boy, you're afraid of your own feelings. SHREK (os) Go away! DONKEY There you are , doing it again just like you did to Fiona. All she ever do was like you, maybe even love you. SHREK (os) Love me? She said I was ugly, a hideous creature. I heard the two of you talking. DONKEY She wasn't talkin' about you. She was talkin' about, uh, somebody else. SHREK (opens the door and comes out) She wasn't talking about me? Well, then who was she talking about? DONKEY Uh-uh, no way. I ain't saying anything. You don't wanna listen to me. Right? Right? SHREK Donkey! DONKEY No! SHREK Okay, look. I'm sorry, all right? (sigh) I'm sorry. I guess I am just a big, stupid, ugly ogre. Can you forgive me? DONKEY Hey, that's what friends are for, right? SHREK Right. Friends? DONKEY Friends. SHREK So, um, what did Fiona say about me? DONKEY What are you asking me for? Why don't you just go ask her? SHREK The wedding! We'll never make it in time. DONKEY Ha-ha-ha! Never fear, for where, there's a will, there's a way and I have a way. (whistles) Suddenly the dragon arrives overhead and flies low enough so they can climb on. SHREK Donkey? DONKEY I guess it's just my animal magnetism. They both laugh. SHREK Aw, come here, you. (gives Donkey a noogie) DONKEY All right, all right. Don't get all slobbery. No one likes a kiss ass. All right, hop on and hold on tight. I haven't had a chance to install the seat belts yet. They climb aboard the dragon and she takes off for DuLoc. DULOC - CHURCH Fiona and Farquaad are getting married. The whole town is there. The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Revered Silence'. PRIEST People of DuLoc, we gather here today to bear witness to the union.... FIONA (eyeing the setting sun) Um- PRIEST ...of our new king... FIONA Excuse me. Could we just skip ahead to the "I do's"? FARQUAAD (chuckles and then motions to the priest to indulge Fiona) Go on. COURTYARD Some guards are milling around. Suddenly the dragon lands with a boom. The guards all take off running. DONKEY (to Dragon) Go ahead, HAVE SOME FUN. If we need you, I'll whistle. How about that? (she nods and goes after the guards) Shrek, wait, wait! Wait a minute! You wanna do this right, don't you? SHREK (at the Church door) What are you talking about? DONKEY There's a line you gotta wait for. The preacher's gonna say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace." That's when you say, "I object!" SHREK I don't have time for this! DONKEY Hey, wait. What are you doing? Listen to me! Look, you love this woman, don't you? SHREK Yes. DONKEY You wanna hold her? SHREK Yes. DONKEY Please her? SHREK Yes! DONKEY (singing James Brown style) Then you got to, got to try a little tenderness. (normal) The chicks love that romantic crap! SHREK All right! Cut it out. When does this guy say the line? DONKEY We gotta check it out. INSIDE CHURCH As the priest talks we see Donkey's shadow through one of the windows Shrek tosses him up so he can see. PRIEST And so, by the power vested in me... Outside SHREK What do you see? DONKEY The whole town's in there. Inside PRIEST I now pronounce you husband and wife... Outside DONKEY They're at the altar. Inside PRIEST ...king and queen. Outside DONKEY Mother Fletcher! He already said it. SHREK Oh, for the love of Pete! He runs inside without catching Donkey, who hits the ground hard. INSIDE CHURCH SHREK (running toward the alter) I object! FIONA Shrek? The whole congregation gasps as they see Shrek. FARQUAAD Oh, now what does he want? SHREK (to congregation as he reaches the front of the Church) Hi, everyone. Havin' a good time, are ya? I love DuLoc, first of all. Very clean. FIONA What are you doing here? SHREK Really, it's rude enough being alive when no one wants you, but showing up uninvited to a wedding... SHREK Fiona! I need to talk to you. FIONA Oh, now you wanna talk? It's a little late for that, so if you'll excuse me - - SHREK But you can't marry him. FIONA And why not? SHREK Because- - Because he's just marring you so he can be king. FARQUAAD Outrageous! Fiona, don't listen to him. SHREK He's not your true love. FIONA And what do you know about true love? SHREK Well, I - - Uh - - I mean - - FARQUAAD Oh, this is precious. The ogee has fallen in love with the princess! Oh, good Lord. (laughs) The prompter card guy holds up a card that says 'Laugh'. The whole congregation laughs. FARQUAAD An ogre and a princess! FIONA Shrek, is this true? FARQUAAD Who cares? It's preposterous! Fiona, my love, we're but a kiss away from our "happily ever after." Now kiss me! (puckers his lips and leans toward her, but she pulls back.) FIONA (looking at the setting sun) "By night one way, by day another." (to Shrek) I wanted to show you before. She backs up and as the sun sets she changes into her ogre self. She gives Shrek a sheepish smile. SHREK Well, uh, that explains a lot. (Fiona smiles) FARQUAAD Ugh! It's disgusting! Guards! Guards! I order you to get that out of my sight now! Get them! Get them both! The guards run in and separate Fiona and Shrek. Shrek fights them. SHREK No, no! FIONA Shrek! FARQUAAD This hocus-pocus alters nothing. This marriage is binding, and that makes me king! See? See? FIONA No, let go of me! Shrek! SHREK No! FARQUAAD Don't just stand there, you morons. SHREK Get out of my way! Fiona! Arrgh! FARQUAAD I'll make you regret the day we met. I'll see you drawn and quartered! You'll beg for death to save you! FIONA No, Shrek! FARQUAAD (hold a dagger to Fiona's throat) And as for you, my wife... SHREK Fiona! FARQUAAD I'll have you locked back in that tower for the rest of your days! I'm king! Shrek manages to get a hand free and he whistles. FARQUAAD I will have order! I will have perfection! I will have - - (Donkey and the dragon show up and the dragon leans down and eats Farquaad) Aaaah! Aah! DONKEY All right. Nobody move. I got a dragon here, and I'm not afraid to use it. (The dragon roars.) I'm a donkey on the edge! The dragon belches and Farquaad's crown flies out of her mouth and falls to the ground. DONKEY Celebrity marriages. They never last, do they? The congregation cheers. DONKEY Go ahead, Shrek. SHREK Uh, Fiona? FIONA Yes, Shrek? SHREK I - - I love you. FIONA Really? SHREK Really, really. FIONA (smiles) I love you too. Shrek and Fiona kiss. Thelonius takes one of the cards and writes 'Awwww' on the back and then shows it to the congregation. CONGREGATION Aawww! Suddenly the magic of the spell pulls Fiona away. She's lifted up into the air and she hovers there while the magic works around her. WHISPERS "Until you find true love's first kiss and then take love's true form. Take love's true form. Take love's true form." Suddenly Fiona's eyes open wide. She's consumed by the spell and then is slowly lowered to the ground. SHREK (going over to her) Fiona? Fiona. Are you all right? FIONA (standing up, she's still an ogre) Well, yes. But I don't understand. I'm supposed to be beautiful. SHREK But you ARE beautiful. They smile at each other. DONKEY (chuckles) I was hoping this would be a happy ending. Shrek and Fiona kiss...and the kiss fades into... THE SWAMP ...their wedding kiss. Shrek and Fiona are now married. 'I'm a Believer' by Smashmouth is played in the background. Shrek and Fiona break apart and run through the crowd to their awaiting carriage. Which is made of a giant onion. Fiona tosses her bouquet which both Cinderella and Snow White try to catch. But they end up getting into a cat fight and so the dragon catches the bouquet instead. The Gingerbread man has been mended somewhat and now has one leg and walks with a candy cane cane. Shrek and Fiona walk off as the rest of the guests party and Donkey takes over singing the song. GINGERBREAD MAN God bless us, every one. DONKEY (as he's done singing and we fade to black) Oh, that's funny. Oh. Oh. I can't breathe. I can't breathe.

#shrek

1 note · View note