#yes i did post this while listening to summertime and feeling like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. why do you ask | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

phawareglobal · 2 years

Text

Karri Reynolds - phaware® interview 386

CTEPH patient, Karri Reynolds spent years bouncing from specialist to specialist due to her failing health. She details how self-advocating led and a desperate facebook post led to her being diagnosed at age 40 (by a pediatric cardiologist)!

My name is Karri Reynolds. I'm 46 years old. I received a diagnosis of pulmonary hypertension when I was 40 years old, so about six years ago. I had a lot of misdiagnoses in the process. I found in my situation, that the importance of self-advocacy was huge. I learned how to become vocal about what I needed, or I believe the diagnosis would've taken longer. I kept Googling my symptoms and it kept coming back that I had heart failure. I did not have insurance at the time. To be honest with you, I was working a temp job, because I had been let go from my other job that I had at the time, due to absences, tardiness. I worked at a large hospital, so I had to park far away and walk the hospital. I lived in the Midwest, in the summertime. I could not breathe. If I left 10 minutes earlier, I would still wind up walking into my office two, three minutes late. Yes, I had several warnings and notifications about being tardy, being late, or missing work due to being sick. I was very cautious about going to a doctor, because I thought, it's very humid out this time of year in this area, so maybe that's my problem. I lived in a third story apartment that was stairs, no elevator. There were a lot of times I was pulling into my driveway at home and I was sitting in front of my building. I was just looking at the door. I was just trying to mentally prepare myself to go into the building and walk those stairs. That was especially hard, as well. I got into work on Monday and I wasn't there but two hours and I went up to the lady who was going to hire me for a full time job and I said, “I'm sorry, but I have messaged my doctor and I'm going to have to go in and see him because I'm not feeling well.” I remember driving across town to get to the doctor's office. He took x-rays and he said, “It looks like pneumonia.” I've had this general practitioner for quite a while at this point. I said, “Listen, I am telling you, this does not feel anything like an infection of any kind.” He said, “Well, I think it will be best if we sent you up and got you an MRI today.” So they had me wait out in the lobby while they were calling around. When I went up to the hospital, I told the lady at the desk, “I'm sorry, but I'm going to need a wheelchair or something to get back there. I can't even walk.” I'm 40. I don't look disabled in any kind of way. I remember her looking at me a little strange. She did get transport for me. I remember them telling me I had to lay down to go into the MRI. I told them, “I don't know if I can lay down at all.” I did the very best I could. I remember just sitting there just wanting to sleep so bad. All of a sudden, I see people running. I saw some other people coming down another hallway. They were all running. I thought, “What's going on?” I'm looking around and I'm hearing the overhead say code whatever. They were running at me, because I had Pulmonary Embolisms on both sides of my lungs. I ended up spending about six or seven days in the ICU. I remember doctors saying, “You don't know how lucky you are.” I don't think I understood at the time. They said, “You could have had this, from a long journey.” I had just gone on a cruise and stuff, but we were very active on the cruise. What they were telling me caused these blood clots did not make sense to me. I hadn't really done any very long trips or anything. They said, “Well, that's the stuff that causes them.” Then the conversation would end. Before I ever even had the Pulmonary Embolism, I was nearly intubated twice. I spent my 40th birthday in ICU. The very first time I went to the hospital, (at the time they were telling me that I had severe asthma). I said, “Well, I'm 40. I've never had asthma before. I guess I don't understand how I can wake up and have asthma.” “Oh yeah, it can happen,” they said very dismissively. They set me up with an allergist. I even had an episode at his office where they were going to call the ambulance and have the ambulance come and get me and take me to the hospital. The doctor did a whole bunch of tests. I had blood work that was like $2,000 worth of testing. I was not insured. They all knew that I wasn't insured. The doctor came back to diagnosis of lightning asthma. I said, “What is lightning asthma?” He sent me all this information on it. He said basically, I live in the Midwest, especially during these humid months, what can happen is, the air gets thick like soup and had something to do with electrical charge that happens in the atmosphere. I remember thinking, okay, well this is a medical doctor, he's told me I have lightning asthma. I even made a post on my social media saying, I guess I've got lightning asthma, which means every time that there's a change in the atmospheric pressure, right before a storm, it will cause me to have a severe asthma attack, to the point that I'm almost intubated. This made a little bit of sense, because a lot of times I was having more difficulty breathing when I would go outside and it was humid out. The more humid it was, the harder it was for me to breathe. Typically, on weekends when I would go home, on Friday, I'd get home and I'd stay in my apartment till I had to leave on Monday morning, because I just had no energy. I slept all the time. So many people have told me this, “What's the common denominator?” Well, it's me. I've talked to pulmonologists. I've talked to doctors. I've talked to asthma people and just on down the line. I've lived a pretty active lifestyle prior to getting some of the symptoms of having pulmonary hypertension. I enjoyed being active. It was almost like lecturing myself. You don't like sitting around like this, so what are you going to do to get up and get more active? What can you do? I just remember how deflated I would feel. My body just would not do it. I was trying all sorts of different things at that point, because like I said, the common denominator was me in every one of these scenarios. Every one of these doctors I went to, they looked at me and they thought I was overweight. They thought that I needed to diet and exercise. They claimed I had too sedentary type of lifestyle is what led to my problem. During this time, I'm just gaining more and more weight and I'm gaining it fast. I'm tried to take the stairs as much as possible and I just could not manage getting up those stairs very well. It was worse somehow. It's not better. What I always missed was that there was a gut feeling that I had that things just didn't add up. When I would see that there was no treatment that they were giving me that was improving my daily quality of life. It would never take me very long to say, “That's not it.” I had a few providers get very short with me. When I say short, I pick up on people's attitudes and demeanor when they're talking. It was easy to sense, this is what I'm telling you to do. I even have one doctor write it on a sticky note for me. The immediate reaction that I got from all these doctors is I wasn't doing my part. But I was the one that was watching what I was eating and drinking. I was the one spending three hours in a park to even try to walk a hundred yards. Every time I would leave their office, I would leave feeling like, it's me. It made me very, very depressed. All the physical results that came from me trying was more weight, more fluid, and increased inability to physically do anything. After I was released from the hospital with my pulmonary embolisms, even though they're telling me those clots are gone, there was something wrong that I cannot breathe any better than before I got diagnosed with the clots. This pulmonologist, he was very, almost arrogant in a way. I said, “I've done some research. I'm looking at the possibility of this being CTEPH (Chronic Thromboembolic Pulmonary Hypertension). A doctor had mentioned that to me in the hospital. He told me I needed to follow up with my pulmonologist to get the rest of the test, to get the diagnosis, but so far it's checking every box. He seemed like he couldn't wait to cut me off in what I was saying. He said, “Listen, I'm not going tell you that you have pulmonary hypertension. I'm not going to tell you don't. I am going to say that you need to take your Warfarin, your blood thinner, like you've been prescribed to do. If you had done that, you wouldn't have concerns of reoccurring embolism.” He said, “There's nothing preventing you from getting healthier. You need to get some weight off,” and just matter-of-factly left it at that. He added, “We'll recheck this in six months.” When he said six months, I pictured my head living another six months, just like I spent the last six months. I thought, how can I possibly continue living like this? Again, I leave the doctor's office deflated. I ended up making a social media post. It was Facebook. I was just absolutely at my wits end. I didn’t know what to do. I really have no idea what I can even possibly do anymore. What they're telling me to do, I've already known that I've done it. I had a high school friend and she responded to this and she said, “Karri, I work at a children's hospital, I am a case manager and I work for a doctor who does pulmonary hypertension and heart failure with children. Do you want me to talk to him about this?” I said, “Will you please?” It was maybe a week or two later, she contacted me on the social media. The doctor had sent the articles that he wanted me to review about the information that I had provided. It was all information on CTEPH and Pulmonary Hypertension. I read through a lot of that and I got back her. I said, “This is me, but I can't get the doctor to test me for another six months. He's pursuing this other blood thinner that is not going to work for my condition, according to these articles.” I was even more upset at that point because I was actually taking a medication that will not respond to what I have, which means my prognosis of getting more blood clots was actually higher. I asked her, “Where do I go? What do I do? Can you refer me to anyone. What can be done?” She said, “He will see you on this day and time.” It was within a week. Of course, this is kind of a funny story, because I went there and it was at a 5:00 PM appointment and it was in the children's hospital. They had the tiny little children's exam table and stuff that I couldn't even sit on. It was all built for children. The doctor came in and he looked at me and he had two inters with him. He said, “Kerri, I reviewed the tests that you had done at this facility,” (because there was an adult hospital attached to the children's hospital). He said, “You have CTEPH, and you are dying.” He dialed a phone number on his phone right there in front of me. He spoke to someone on the other end, “You know the patient I was talking to you about the other day? Well, I've got her here in my office and I think you need to see her.” This was a doctor that had a waiting list of three to four months to even get an appointment into, who said, “Yeah, send her by Thursday morning.” I went in. This was a cardiac surgeon at that point. He said “We can do this kind of surgery. These are the tests that we've got to get done.” I said, “OK, so where do I go to get those done, because my pulmonologist, they're not going to do it. I don't know where else to go.” He said, “Oh no, you're working with, we call him the Right Heart Wizard, because he's the best right heart specialist in this entire area. He doesn't even take a lot of new patients, but you're going to be seeing him, you're going to be working with him. He's going to get to every test you need. In fact, I'm going to send you over there right now.” He had me walk like two doors down and Dr. Ronald Zolty comes in and he said, “We're going to get this pulmonary angiogram done. You're going to get a right heart catheterization done. These are all outpatient procedures. It's going to take a couple months of getting you scheduled for these, but as you get scheduled for them, we'll get the test results. Then we're going to get you to a surgery in California. This is going to be a process that's going to take at least six months.” It ended up taking almost a year. He said, “Without any treatment, you will not live past the year.” It was a very long, complicated process, because not everybody's approved for surgery. I went through the process. I got approved for surgery. It was a waiting game to get all the test results sent in and everything reviewed. There was only one place that I could go to and get this done and that was at the University of San Diego. During all of this time, I was still struggling to try and keep working so I could keep insurance. The advocacy part never ends. I will say a lot of the doctors, and I certainly understand, they have a lot of patients. They have very tight schedules. They don't have a lot of extra time. Especially with a lot of regulations with insurance and everything else, they're having to not spend a lot of time looking into things. I can name at least six doctors I had, that I wasn't arguing with, but I was pushing a little bit harder. I just didn’t think that that was the thing. They all said, “Well okay, we'll talk about it next time you come in. We'll see how it's going,” as they're walking me to the door. If I would've allowed that and if I would've accepted that, then I would be dead. There's no doubt in my mind. I don't think there is a magical phrase that you can say to make anyone understand. My condition is rare. Even when I was finally diagnosed, I had a lot of people telling me, “Yes, it is a two to three year diagnosis process for this disease.” Had I not made a Facebook post, I would be dead. That's quite literally what would've happened. I saw the top people, professionals in my area. I had no indication that I had heart trouble. I had no indication that I needed to see a surgeon or a right heart doctor at all. The best thing I can say is, you have to follow your gut. I went home with every one of these doctors with their opinions and their suggestions and recommendations and I felt so terrible. My quality of life was that of a very old, very limited person. I didn't go anywhere. I didn't do anything and I was 40 years old. I know the effort I took and for not to see any improvement in any of the efforts I was putting forward, that did not add up. It's the same as somebody telling you two and two equals five and you know that it does not. The only other piece of advice I can tell you is, you go to another doctor and you keep going to another doctor until you find one that will listen to you, because I will tell you, Dr. Zolty, my cardiologist, I drive two hours one way to see him. That's because this man saved my life and he took the right steps. There is no one medication for things and I know that everybody believes that a lot of conditions are cookie cutter treatment, whereas if a patient has this condition, you treat them with this. That's very true in some instances, but not every medication that works for every other person is going to work for you. Even when the doctor's not liking what you're saying and then you're picking up on any of that stuff, find another doctor. If they don't know the answer, you ask them where you need to go. I was so frustrated at that point. I didn't care if I had to see 10 doctors. I didn't care if I was in a waiting room of a children's hospital, I was going to keep seeing a new face until somebody could tell me, what was wrong with me. It's easy to tell when doctors are asking questions, “Does this happen, do you notice this?” That was the very first thing I noticed about Dr. Zolty. There's an easy way to tell if you have a doctor who's going to look for any possibility for you, compared to a doctor that has a lot of clout or maybe a lot of recognition in the community. There were just too many appointments where, looking back, hindsight's 2020, I knew the doctor was reaching for something, like lightning asthma? It affects less than 2% of the population. What I do have is rare. Everything did not line up. I didn't reject everything they said right away. I tried, I was on breathing treatments every two hours. I haven't had a breathing treatment in the last couple years, because they did nothing but increased my heart rate somewhat. Doctors will never see that some of their advice or recommendations could actually cause more harm, but if you're not experiencing any improvement, the answer is to find a new doctor. I don't care if I had weekly appointments, I would drive two and a half hours to my doctor, because the quality of life he was able to provide for me compared to the quality of life I had for the whole year and a half, two years before that was so much better. My name is Karri Reynolds and I'm aware that I'm rare.

Learn more about pulmonary hypertension trials at www.phaware.global/clinicaltrials. Never miss an episode with the phaware® podcast app. Follow us @phaware on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, YouTube & Linkedin Engage for a cure: www.phaware.global/donate #phaware #ClinicalTrials Share your story: [email protected]

Listen and View more on the official phaware™ podcast site

#pulmonary hypertension #phaware #rare disease #lung disease #clinical trials #podcast #PH #asthma

0 notes

peachyysugaa · 3 years

Text

enhypen members on a café date ☕️♡ requested by anon

– heeseung

what kind of café he takes you to: his local favorite, it's on the cozier or quieter size, which gives him the privacy to spend quality time with you~

the menu: now serving your favorite coffees, teas, and sandwiches! from iced americanos to milk teas (bubbles/boba if you want) to paninis, this café has got all the regulars. what would you like to order? ♥

activities you do: while the two of you should probably go to a gaming café for this, you and heeseung always sit in a more private booth/area side-by-side and play multiplayer games on his switch. if you're not gaming, the two of you casually talk about your days while sipping your drinks, resting your head on his shoulder or working on your respective things, schoolwork maybe for you or producing for heeseung.

short blurb: "heeseung, you let me win." "no, you're just really good at this game, love." (˶◡‿◡) you just laugh and roll your eyes, pinching his cheeks before resting your head on his shoulder in the middle of your favorite booth, in your favorite café that was filled with precious memories.

rest of the members under the cut! <3

what kind of café he takes you to: either the most expensive café ever or the most aesthetic (which tends to be pretty expensive anyway), you already saw this coming because we all on that rich boy!jay agenda.

the menu: how do you even pronounce most of these drinks? ಠωಥ is that a caviar-flavored drink LOL say sike 🅱ls ‼ ahem, so order something familiar to you or let jay pick something for you (it might be expensive, but that's okay let him spoil you 🥺 you deserve it, king/queen/royalty)

activities you do: jay loves listening to your day, and you love listening to his. he often likes to tell you about new things he's learned, and you watch as his eyes brighten over these, loving every sparkle. with jay, i don't see him going to the same cafés all the time: he likes to explore, so the only thing that's consistent is the amount of quality time you two spend together.

short blurb: "jay..!" "hm? what's up? is something wrong with your drink?" "no, it's just...?" you take a second to think about your phrasing before you answer. "is there supposed to be gold foiling on this?" "oh yeah, it's on trend now, babe. i heard it tastes as expensive as it looks." "and as it costs?" 🤨 "don't worry about it, y/n. this is my treat for you since you've been working harder than usual these days." (۶ •̀ᴗ•́)۶

– jake

what kind of café he takes you to: a dog café, let's be honest he really wants to pet dogs and he would get along so well with them. it's the golden retriever energy 🤩

the menu: aside from dog treats to feed the puppers (not jake), re-energize with refreshing drinks from lemonade to peach tea! the dessert menu also looks enticing, honey brick toast and pancake art shaped like the many dogs that prance around the vicinity.

activities you do: pet and feed the dogs, of course, duh you're at a dog café 🐕 for some reason, they take after jake very well, so well that one is practically attached to the hip with him as he pets it, an australian shepherd. he asks you nicely to take pictures of him with it and you tell on him to layla.

short blurb: "y/n, y/n, look! this one loves me!" "i can see that, jake." "y/n, it's an austalian shepherd, do you think he knows i'm aussie too?" "maybe he does." "take my picture with it?" "oh, so proof for layla that you're cheating on her?" "NOOO LAYLA ㅠㅠ"

– sunghoon

what kind of café he takes you to: a modern chic café. it's got the industrial feel to it and perfectly matches his sophisticated vibes.

the menu: only coffees and plain teas! specializes more in hand brewing coffee and the like. also has some sandwiches or pastries for you to taste.

activities you do: with sunghoon, it's mostly talking. the way you two can talk about anything and everything really makes your relationship so comfortable. you two also watch videos and make side comments here and there together. don't forget to take each other's pictures and selfies together, there is no visual hole here and the setting is perfect, what are you waiting for? 📸

short blurb: "are you getting my good side?" "huh, but every side is your good side." "oh yea, you're right." you shake your head at his way of getting a backhanded compliment and simply snap the picture of him and his coffee. looking at it makes you smile, but he quickly pulls you into his side and holds up his phone. "now time to show off my beautiful s/o."

– sunoo

what kind of café he takes you to: a character café! whether it's kakao or line friends, you two are both there to enjoy the too-cute-to-eat types of food, taking many pictures before savoring it.

the menu: character-themed food and drinks! they're carefully planned out from the ingredients to the witty names, all to match the theme of the café. you order a full course meal with sunoo, sharing your entrees with each other and drinks, so you both have the chance to taste what you can!

activities you do: did you hear me? a full course meal 🗣‼️ you two are eating your weight's worth of food because (1) it's cute and (2) it's expensive! sunoo is a chatterbox, and i just know he scored you two a picture with either one of your favorite characters at a lower price. both of you also take part in any chants cheerfully~

short blurb: "you're as cute as all the characters here, y/nie!" "yah, we're both cuter than all of them, don't lie." "yes, you're right, we would be doing them a favor by taking a picture with one of them." "cheers to us then?" you ask holding your glass already. "cheers~" he replies and clinks yours with his. all of a sudden, your favorite character comes by with your plates of food. enamored, you ask if you and sunoo can take a picture with them, to which the servers agree happily as long as you pay accordingly. the two of you pose to your hearts' content with the cute character. after which, you think sunoo unintentionally charmed the servers to give him a lower price for the photo by signing it and letting them post it somewhere, which you can't help but think is so befitting of him.

– jungwon

what kind of café he takes you to: a cottage-style café or specifically, the sheep café in korea. the latter is actually located in hongdae and literally 2 sheep roam around! (search up thanks nature café) he would just want to touch their fluffy fur 🐑

the menu: very green, as in matcha and mint and pandan and the like. also has some cute garden-themed pastries/drinks like the good ol' throwback, dirt in a cup, (basically some crushed oreos with gummy worms), which jungwon is all over.

activities you do: when one goes to animal cafés, you pet the animals! so pet the sheep you two do, but very cautiously, of course. jungwon tries to ba with them, maybe even asks if they make clothing out of their wool.

short blurb: "do you make anything with their wool?" jungwon suddenly asks the worker nearby. "huh? oh yes, we actually do have some sweaters in store if you would like to see them." "yes please." "alright, one moment please." "wonie, will you actually buy one?" "i mean, yea, who else is able to say that they met the sheep their clothing came from?" it's overly priced, but he buys a scarf anyway and wraps it around the two of you despite it being summertime. "jungwon, it's hot in this!" (/Д`)

– niki

what kind of café he takes you to: manga café or a café with really cool latte art. riki would have fun either way, reading manga together or trying out latte art himself!

the menu: the manga café has all your regulars and even offer comfy snack foods like bungeoppang and ddeokboki! on the other hand, the latte art café really focuses on their art, thanks to the machine that prints out any design you want on top of it (which riki is amazed by).

activities you do: in a manga café, you would have a private room together and just chill and roll around in it. at the latte art café, he's having so much fun seeing all the characters and drawings are put on top, even when they're not his (he orders shin-chan or doraemon). they offer 3d latte art classes and the two of you take one!

short blurb: "y/n, your cat looks funny." "riki, it's deflating :(" "draw the face anyway." "how come yours is so nice?" "oh, i just frothed the milk myself." "what? riki, you are so cool~" he becomes bashful and makes use of his classes by buying the necessary materials to make you different 3d latte arts every day.

a/n: YAYY this was so cute thank you for your request again, anon! <3 i hope you liked it, especially the format hehe

220 notes · View notes

msleasalonga · 3 years

Text

Why are you haunting me?

I’m sitting here minding my own business, listening to a YouTube loop of jazz music combined with rain, creating an ambience akin to that of a favorite coffee joint around the corner. I’ve been in my share of these; warming my hands with a latte while people-watching, wondering quietly about the lives the people around me must live.

On this day or all days, when it’s clearly the summertime in this part of the world, while I’m seated quietly doing next to nothing, why did your face... that thoughtful, smiling, freckled face that infused any and every room you occupied with palpable joy... why did it just pop into my mind?

As far as I know, it’s not your birthday. You and I weren’t actually close to one another by any stretch of the imagination, so for sure no one is celebrating a significant occasion. Not an anniversary, not a graduation, nothing. My last image of you was of a memory... I was sitting in on an acting class you were teaching. Some new faces, some more familiar, all of them devastatingly beautiful. There was a late night powwow that followed, I no longer remember where. All I know was that I was saying good-bye to my life in Los Angeles, and I know that I needed to say good-bye to you, as you were in some way a big enough part of it.

I never really got to thank you, you know? Not in any way that would’ve really mattered. And I know that you can’t hear me anymore since you’ve passed away. God, that’s way too benign a way to describe how you left this mortal coil. You “passed away.” I’m still angry, you know? Angry that it happened at all.

And yes, I’m grateful that our paths crossed at all. I remember you clearly when I see my classmates being their badass selves. Misha, Sumalee, Joe, Kate, just to name a few. When I see them, I think of you. And I’m grateful.

I miss you. I know, it’s been a minute, but I miss you. I was going to take a class with you again, just to do a checkup of my chops. But mostly just to see you. But it never happened, be it due to jet lag, or schedules or whatever.

I was so proud when you created your own studio. Yes, a space to call his own! He’s going to touch so many lives in the way he touched mine, and I couldn’t help but feel my heart filled with glee at the thought of that.

But you’re gone. It’s a loss they will never know, a loss that those you have touched will feel for, maybe forever.

I don’t know why you’re haunting me today. Maybe it’s because I have a self-tape to do in a few hours, and you would’ve been the one to guide me through it (I’ve been aided by someone truly excellent, so I’m in safe and able hands, don’t you worry). I remember the one time I sought you for a private coaching session; you knew how to make me feel safe and ready to take on that audition panel. No, I didn’t get the job, but it didn’t matter. You made acting feel like it wasn’t as intimidating as I once thought. And every time I act now, I keep you at the forefront of my mind, as if you’re right there behind me, guiding me through it.

I’ve rambled on enough, I think... this long-winded post is my roundabout way of telling you how much I valued you as my teacher. If your spirit is still floating around somewhere, I want you to know that.

Thank you, Stan. Until we meet again.

#StanKirsch #ActingTeacher #StanKirschStudios

42 notes · View notes

defstolemyheart · 3 years

Text

even then - bang chan

tags and warnings: angst, royal! au, depictions and allusion of suicide, blood

note: cross-posted from my instagram page, I guess this is my first tumblr post now ehehe. I recommend listening to Rosyln by Bon Iver and St. Vincent while reading because I was inspired by the song.

word count: 2k

“Stop it!”

His voice was carried by the wind, he was sure of it, but it didn’t reach her.

“Your highness, please! Stop!” Christopher yelled with all of his chest, knuckles turning white as he grabbed onto the window sill for balance with all his might.

Just a few steps ahead of him, she stood, seemingly unfazed by the sloping of the turret, unbothered by the moss-slippery roof tiles, thoroughly uncaring of the fall that awaited her if she slipped even just a step. Even as the violent breeze collided with her body, she kept going, closer and closer to the edge.

Christopher braved himself, fear of her falling propelling him forward, though he tried his best to guess which tiles would be less likely to cause his own accident.

“Your highness!” His throat felt raw, his chest burning for air. Yet the pain he felt right now, he knew it was not from him voicing out his concerns. It was from the sight of her- her sleep robe flying about from the wind, she looked like she was swaying.

His eyes scanned the horizon. The sky loomed over the two of them, its darkening clouds shifting about, casting shattered shadows and highlights that further added to the ache in Christopher’s chest. As if the world was reflecting what was in her heart.

The smell of salt and iron was sickeningly thick in the air. The easternmost tower of the castle faced the sea. While it was pleasant to be here during the summertime, where the tide looked soft and kind, now in the winter, the waters were murky and dark, and violent.

Echoes of the crashing waves against the shale and corals hundreds of feet below them were warning signs that they shouldn’t be here. They shouldn’t be standing near the edge of the turret, in nothing but their thin sleepwear.

Christopher took a few more careful steps closer to her, who was standing still despite the shaking wind.

“You know, Christopher…” her words barely audible, but he caught them. “I never wanted any of this…”

Christopher caught her pain too, and the broken sobs spilling from her lips. She swayed, her back hunching as more of her cries escaped her.

“I-I just wanted to live- with y-you.” she choked, figure shaken.

“Please, your highness… come with me now…” he pleaded and she turned half-way to face him. Her expression stricken, and she rolled her lips, as if she was holding back a word.

He reached out his hand, wishing silently that she would take it.

He could see it, the emotions swimming and swirling in her glassy orbs. Her cheeks trembled as more tears streamed down from the edge of her lashes.

“Your highness, I promise we’ll be together, always, okay?” Christopher muttered, feeling his eyes burning.

“LIES!” her voice broke, startling the young man. “Nothing but empty words! Stop lying to me! I told you to stop lying to me!”

“I am not lying- please, your highness, I’ll always be there for you…”

“No, it’s not the same… It’s not! The! Same!” her hands crumpled her hair in frustration. “You will always be there on the sideline, while my father whores me to a self-entitled royalty. That’s not- I don’t want that Christopher…”

She looked up, despair painting her face and Christopher was sure he had the same color on him.

He knew it was not the same, but there was nothing he could do about it.

He was a mere knight of a lesser standing noble family, assigned to the princess’s aide. He knew their worlds would never collide, no matter how close he stood by her side. Though he would rather take the chance of staying by her side and let his love stay unreciprocated than losing her. Anything would be better than losing her.

And he feared that he was about to lose her now.

He sucked in a sharp breath, attempting to settle the fear that was rattling his chest.

“I know it’s not the same… but please, please, your highness let’s return to your chamber. Let’s talk there, okay? We will discuss what we could do after we get to your chamber, okay?”

Lies. Lies. Lies.

Christopher lied.

There was nothing to discuss, but he needed to keep her alive. Not for the crown prince of the far off kingdom she was promised to. Not for her parents. It was for himself, for his own selfish reason as he could not fathom living without her.

“I never wanted to be born into this world....” she looked straight at him, eyes tinged with something he couldn’t quite place and Christopher felt fear dancing quicker in his heart. “I never asked to be born royalty. I never asked for any of this, and it’s my right to end it.”

Christopher took another step, his right hand still reaching out to her, but she took a step back.

His chest heaved with horror. Two more steps, and she would fall, crashing onto the rock below. Two more steps-

“Please!” he begged. “Please, princess, please! Take my hand!”

The knight’s stomach flipped in nerves with every passing second the princess took to respond, her lips quivering with words she could not seem to mutter.

Then he could hear it, the commotion coming from the small window that was the only access to the turret.

“Your highness!” Christopher recognized the voice to be Lia, the lady-in-waiting for the princess.

The princess looked past Christopher’s shoulder, and made him turn his head as well. Tears smudged Lia’s pretty face, fear glazing her eyes. The same expression was worn by two other young ladies-in-waiting, who were all calling for the princess to come back.

Then came a figure they all knew quite well, despite the lack of his crown or his gilded robes, Christopher could recognize him anywhere. The King stood behind the window frame, proud and angry.

“Princess!” his voice boomed, though Christopher couldn’t miss the crack of it. Fear seemed to have poisoned the monarch as well. “Get back here!”

Cacophonous laughter filled the air and Christopher’s heart broke as he saw the princess, holding her stomach and laughing as if she just saw the most entertaining play, yet tears kept racing down her pallid cheeks, staining her skin and sleeping gown.

Christopher’s eyes would not stop burning and his breath hitched as she took another step back.

One more-

“I will not bend to your will, father! I will never bend to your will!” fire filled her eyes as her screams stunned everyone, including the King.

She turned to her knight, whose face was twisted with pain and fear, whose trembling hand was still open to take hers, if only she would reach out.

“Chris,” her voice hoarse, yet fragile. Like she would break any moment. “Do you love me?”

He didn’t need to second guess himself. He knew very well the answer to that question. His heart knew.

So Christopher nodded, “Yes, your highness, I love you. I love you, so much. So please, please come back. Please, my love, I beg you-”

“That’s all I need.” she smiled, though it didn’t reach her eyes. “I love you too.”

Christopher screamed as the princess let herself fall backward to the grey horizon. He scrambled forward, his fingers brushing with hers, but not quite.

Shrieks and shouts of horror filled the air around them, but they fell deaf to Christopher’s ears as he could not hear anything else but the rustling of her silken gown and her solemn cry.

He caught the fear flashing in her eyes, and the regret on her face. Her arms flapped midair, the ivory silk she adorned painting the illusion of wings as it bloomed from the frigid winter wind.

He wished for those wings to carry her against the wind, against Gravity.

However, Gravity loved her more than she did her knight, and more than the knight did his princess.

Gravity smiled at her, despite her late regrets and vain attempts to fly back to her knight’s embrace. It pulled her closer, letting her in Its embrace instead. She cracked against the rocks and the tendrils of the sea.

His throat burnt from his wailings, voice scratchy as he blared her name repeatedly. The fingers of his right hand were desperately seeking hers, which now laid limp by her side, while his vice grip on the turret’s edge turned his other hand pallid. He kneeled, vision blurry from tears, but he could still make out as the ashen rocks below began to take on a darker shade, only to be washed away by the crashing waters, carrying red over white and grey.

He sat still on the tiles. Heart shattered, mind broken. Crimson seeping in his chest.

She laid still on the shales. Bones shattered, skin broken. Crimson seeping from her pores.

Christopher wondered, as he looked between his shaking fingertips and the broken remains of the love of his life... Mayhaps… Had he properly confessed the ever growing fondness for the princess, rooted so deeply in his heart it became the sustenance to his will to live, would she have not even walked the steep stone staircases of this cursed tower?

Had he promised to take her away from this wretched land, to convince her earlier that he would do anything to get her away, to run and live the life they want together outside the roles that the wicked world had fated them to grow into, would she have taken his hand?

His eyes stung from the tears that were falling to the damp, bloodied ground where his love now rested on.

His words never reached her heart.

They never did, probably from the very start.

He gazed upon his own hand, where the ghost of her touch tingled his freezing skin.

Christopher yearned nothing more than to feel her soft hands in his again.

And suddenly the hundreds of feet that separated him and her didn’t seem to be that far-

“What would you do if I died, Chris?” she asked one night. Her soft features were basking under the gentle moonlight as she leaned an arm against her stone balcony, her cheek resting on her folded arm. Her glassy eyes were intent on the knight who stood quietly two feet away from the insomniac princess.

Christopher was not supposed to be in her chamber, but only in the dead of night when they both could not rest would the two forlorn people be able to converse without the barrier of their status between them.

His eyes widened, grip on the sword on his waist tightening as he was taken aback by her questioning. Retaliation was on the tip of his tongue but he bit it back and let his thoughts simmer.

He ran his gaze across her figure. From her soft, tousled tresses, to her chilled cheeks, down to her plump, unchapped lips and further to her fingers, hidden by the sleeves of her thick woolen robes. She shifted her stance, looking straight into his eyes. The mere sight of her in her most vulnerable moment made his heart swell with warmth, but remembering her question sent chills running down his spine.

If she dies… Christopher felt his chest tightening at the thought of losing her.

He met her gaze gently, “I would rather not think of that possibility, your highness, surely not any time soon, but… ” he smiled, warm, loving, “I would follow you wherever.”

She perked up, amused. “Even in death?”

He stepped closer, suddenly washed by the yearning to hold her. “Even then, yes.”

#skz oneshots #skz imagines #skz scenarios #bang chan #chan imagines #chan oneshots #stray kids oneshot #stray kids imagines #chan blurbs #i guess this is kind of sad

35 notes · View notes

lookalivefrosty · 4 years

Text

Summertime

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Female Reader (but, really, Winter Soldier Bucky x Female Reader)

Summary: Three days ago, the Winter Soldier walked away from Hydra. They’ve just sent you to bring him back.

Word Count: 7,656 words (!!!)

Warnings: a heavy helping of angst, descriptions of injuries and pain, canon typical violence. The reader is an enhanced human with the ability to manipulate pain. (Let me know if you come across any others I’ve missed, I’ll gladly add them!)

*Reblogs of course are welcome, but please do not repost this story to any other websites without my permission!!*

A/N: This was written for @jbbuckybarnes‘s birthday writing challenge. Happy belated birthday, and thank you so much for reassuring me that it was okay to post this past the deadline! I didn’t mean for it to take this long, but the good news is, this is the first thing I’ve written and actually liked in about five or six years. So, yay? I really hope you and everyone else who reads it enjoys it!

P.S: my prompts are bolded, the not too shabby moodboard was made by me, and the title of the fic and lyrics within said moodboard are courtesy of My Chemical Romance’s ‘Summertime.’ Oh, and, the totally awesome text divider seen just below (and several times throughout the fic) was created by @writeyourmindaway (thank you)!

EDITED ON 5/24/2021 - no major changes, only a change in spelling for two of the characters' names.

“You ever think of where you’d go if you got out of here?” you’d asked the Soldier once, the two of you hunkered down in a safe house somewhere in Alaska. It’s been so long since then that you can’t even remember what mission had brought you there - or maybe you should say, so much has happened since then that you can’t remember.

He didn’t answer your question. He couldn’t. His programming limited his dialogue to giving orders to those ranked below him and answering the questions of those ranked higher. You’d been able to see his answer in his eyes, though, sitting there on the opposite side of the hallway from him, your faces illuminated by an oil lamp he’d found while sweeping the basement for any threats.

They had narrowed slightly, his way of wordlessly saying, ‘No.’

No, because he never thought he would ever escape from Hydra; and neither did you, for that matter. But it was nice to think about, especially back then. Freedom.

“I can remember,” you’d said slowly, not missing the faint look of surprise that crossed his usually stoic face at the words. You shouldn’t be able to remember anything that occurred before they wiped you the first time. But you remember this vividly, too vividly for it to be a mere fragment of your imagination.

“I can remember,” you’d started again, “this place my parents and I used to go to along the Blue Ridge Parkway.”

And then you’d told him about it. How after visiting a few tourist attractions you’d park the car at a lookout spot and stare out over the miles and miles of autumn colored trees in the valleys below, untouched by man aside from the randomly placed house. Far away from where you stood, blue tinted mountains pierced the overcast sky - and it was beautiful.

He’d listened to every word you’d spoken intently, his gaze never straying from your face as you reminisced on happier times. And when you’d finished, he’d looked sad. You could feel the longing in his chest within your own, and see a sparkle in his stormy blue eyes that seemed to say, ‘I would take you there, if I could.’

And he has, hasn’t he?

Here you are, standing at the very same lookout you’d told him about that night. It’s warmer than you remember, greener, seeing as it’s summertime - but it’s no less beautiful. If you squint you can see ghosts of the past; two figures standing against the most breathtaking of backdrops, smiling with their arms around one another as you took their picture.

You miss them.

Your parents.

You wish you could remember more about them.

About yourself.

Your old life.

“Empat.”

His voice startles you, but not because you didn’t know he was there. You’d felt his presence step within the reach of your powers almost twenty minutes ago; had known it was him because you know his aches and pains as well as you know your own. The phantom pain where his left arm used to be, the carpal tunnel syndrome in his right wrist and hand from years of holding a gun, and all the other wear and tear seventy years of assassination work has put on his still visibly young body. New to the roster, though, is the break in his right forearm - no doubt an injury gained during his fight in D.C. three days ago. A fight you’d been sidelined for, but should have been battling alongside him.

If you had been, that break wouldn’t be there. You’re certain of that.

You could only do so much with the amount of distance between you, but because you care, because you wanted him to know that you knew he was there, you’d cast your healing warmth over the fracture, numbing it until you could touch him and heal it completely. As thanks, he’d given you this time with your memories. Time before the inevitable had to happen.

But time is up now, and he’s standing right behind you, his voice startling you not because it’s unexpected but because he’s never been able to call you anything, let alone the name Hydra had given you. Empat, meaning Empath. His programming simply didn’t allow for it. To hear his voice say it now - after months and years of knowing each other, fighting alongside each other, nearly dying for each other - well, it’s quite a shock to the system.

Three days, you think. It’s only been three days since he walked away from the Triskelion wreckage, walked away from Hydra, and already he’s regained the ability to speak autonomously. And here you are, sent here to drag him back to the very same people who stripped him of his ability to do so in the first place.

You, because they know that in spite of their best efforts to keep him as emotionless and empty as possible, he feels something for you. Because if it’s you asking him to, he might come back willingly, without a fight. Because if it comes to a fight he’ll hesitate before killing you, and give you the opening you need to-

“Empat,” he says again, interrupting your internal ramblings. The sound of it threatens to bring tears to your eyes.

You don’t want to do this.

But you have no other choice.

“Hi, Soldier,” you greet him gently, and he takes that as his cue to move to stand at your side. He places himself on your left and it’s such a familiar position: you and the Soldier shoulder to shoulder, against the world. Normally it would bring you comfort; but today, it just makes you sad.

As if he can sense it - which he probably can; he has a knack for reading people - the Soldier brushes the back of his hand against the back of yours in a silent offer of comfort. You turn your wrist and intertwine your fingers with his without a second thought, and together you gaze out over the mountain range, silence hanging thick in the air between you for what feels like a lifetime.

And then, “Is it what you remember?”

So you were right. The red star on the tracking device had stopped in this town with a familiar name yesterday not by coincidence, but on purpose. He’d traveled west, deep into the peaks and valleys of the Blue Ridge Mountain range just so he could bring you here, to the location of your only remaining memory.

It’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for you - that you can remember, at least - and, God, do you want to cry.

“Yes,” your voice and your smile is strained, “Thank you.”

He squeezes your hand tighter in response, causing a bolt of pain to shoot up towards his shoulder and down to the tips of his fingers - but he shows no signs of feeling it when you glance in his direction. He was trained to suffer in silence; if you weren’t, well, you, you wouldn’t have the slightest clue that he was in any pain at all.

“Your arm?” you inquire, turning your head to face him at the same moment he turns to face you. It’s only then that you realize what he’s wearing: a black baseball cap pulled down over his brunette tresses, a dark denim jacket over a black t-shirt, blue jeans and his usual pair of boots. The shoes are the only part of his attire that you recognize, but you have to admit, this casual look he’s got going on…

You like it.

“Steve,” he tells you, as if you know who Steve is. You raise your brows. “The guy on the bridge,” he amends. “Captain...Captain America.”

Right. The target Hydra had sent the Soldier to kill not once, but twice - an anomaly, as he usually gets the job done on the first try. You’d been as shocked as your superiors when he came back from the fight on the bridge to report the mission as failed - but more so due to the foul mix of emotions churning within him than the failed mission itself.

It was astonishing to see him in such anguish so openly; to feel the full force of his normally repressed guilt, anger and sadness. You’ve gotten glimpses of it in the past, during those precious few minutes between him being awoken and being wiped. But only one other time had you seen him so distraught, which could only mean one thing.

The target - this Steve, whoever he is - had somehow broken through decades of wipings and programming to free the man Hydra had tried so hard to keep contained, and every sour emotion he’s felt while locked in his cage - though only for a moment before Alexander Pierce ordered him to be shoved behind the bars again.

It’s not easily done; liberating the man that lingers beneath the surface of the Soldier.

You would know.

You’ve done it before.

“You knew him,” you say simply, recalling the trembling words he’d spoken that day. Words that, when combined with the look on his face and what had happened after he’d uttered them, had shattered your already broken heart into even smaller shards.

“But I knew him.”

“I don’t know,” the Soldier replies eventually, and he’s lying - to you and himself.

But that’s okay.

You assure him as much with a small smile.

“Here,” you change the subject, “let me…” you turn your body towards him and bring your right hand up to cup the back of his, which still clings to your left one, as he turns to face you as well. You close your eyes and focus on the break, casting your warmth over it and holding it steady as it guides his bones back into place. As it does, your body takes his pain and converts it into ammunition, adding it to what’s already been piled high within you thanks to the metal choker around your neck.

Hydra’s scientists had designed it especially for you; a necklace that would, whenever your handlers deemed it necessary, electrically shock you continuously so you would have to be constantly taking your own pain away. Whenever you use your healing abilities - regardless of whether you’re using them on yourself or someone else - your body absorbs the pain and stores it within until you either unleash it on someone or your handlers shut the necklace off and the power coursing through your veins is allowed to dwindle away on its own.

It flows through you now, but you’re so used to the uncomfortable prickling feeling that accompanies it at this point that you hardly even notice it’s there anymore.

How sad that is.

“Thank you,” the Soldier says after you’ve finished healing him and open your eyes again. That’s another first: the Soldier thanking you aloud instead of with his eyes and soft, secret touches. If it weren’t for the current circumstances, it would have brought you joy.

“Don’t thank me,” you beg with a rapid shake of your head. “Not when you know what I’ve been sent here to do.”

“Empat, it’s okay-”

“No,” you interject harshly, dropping his hand and retreating a few steps backwards. “It’s not okay, Soldier. It’s not. Because you knew,” your smile is sardonic as you point a finger in his direction. “You knew they’d send someone - that they’d send me - after you. You knew what they’d make me do to bring you back. So why, Soldier? Why didn’t you cut the tracker out? You could have been free,” your voice cracks on the last word, and you feel his chest ache in response.

He holds your gaze for a moment longer before dropping his focus to the grass between his boots. You stand there, blinking tears from your eyes and waiting for him to say something - anything - in defense of himself, but he doesn’t say a word.

He’s maddeningly silent.

“Why would you do this?” you demand again, your voice frail in spite of the anger rising inside of you. The Soldier is slow to raise his gaze back to yours, and even slower to give you an answer.

“‘Cause I wanted to.”

It hits you like a punch from his left fist, and you find yourself unable to speak.

He... He wanted this? He wanted you to be sent after him? To potentially have to fight him, to have to drag him back to the people you’ve always told him you wished you could help him escape from?

“Listen,” he urges, seeing the look of hurt and betrayal that’s overtaken your features. He’s lifted his hands in a pacifying gesture, and his left one catches your attention, as it’s donning a black winter glove. Where did he even find one of those this time of year? “I did it because I didn’t know how else to find you. I went back to the bank after...after the fight, and everyone was already gone. You were gone, and I had no way of knowing where you were but I knew that if I left the tracker in, it wouldn’t be long before they sent you after me. It...It was the only way I had to be able to see you again,” he finishes with a sad, tearful smile, the same one he’d given Alexander Pierce that night after his first encounter with Steve.

It pulls at your heart now just as it did then, but at the same time -

“You could have been free,” you echo your earlier words, sounding every bit as devastated as you feel. Your tears make the Soldier a blur as he steps closer to you, raising his hands to tentatively cup the sides of your face. You blink and a pair of them slip down your cheeks only to be quickly smeared away by his thumbs, gloved metal and bare flesh alike.

“I don’t want to be free if you’re not free with me,” he tells you softly, and you see those words for what they are: a testament of his love for you. It’s the first time he’s been able to voice such a thing, and you want to find joy or at the very least solace in it. Truly, you do. But right now, with the situation at hand, knowing he’s tossed away the only chance at liberation he’s had in seven decades all because he didn’t want to leave you behind, you can’t.

You just feel guilty. So incredibly, debilitatingly guilty.

“I’ll never be free of them,” you state grimly, pulling out of his hold and putting some distance between you. “As long as this necklace is around my neck, I’m stuck. They’ll ramp it up as soon as I get too far for their likings and kill me. But you - you had a chance. And you threw it away because of me,” you practically choke out the last word. You pause for a few moments to collect yourself before continuing to speak, your eyes fluttering shut to send another pair of tears down your cheeks.

“I’m begging you, Soldier. If you love me, cut the tracker out and leave. I’ll tell them you beat me unconscious before I could move to apprehend you, or… I don’t know. Something. Just please don’t make me take you back there. Don’t make me the reason you go back there, I…” your throat gets too tight for you to speak any further, so you open your eyes and try to communicate with him through them, as he used to you.

I won’t be able to live with myself if you do.

He lets your unspoken words hang between you for exactly seventeen shaking breaths, and when he goes to speak, he looks apologetic, telling you he’s not going to change his mind even before he confirms it aloud.

“You know I never get to choose what I want for myself,” he says, a pleading tone to his voice. His eyes are equally as imploring as they stare into yours, trying to get you to see just how much he needs you to do this for him. “I want this, Empat. I do. So, please, for once in my life - let me have what I want.”

…How are you supposed to say no to that?

The answer is simple:

You don’t.

“Alright,” you sound as defeated as you feel. “Alright.”

The corners of his lips twitch upwards, but the glossiness of his eyes conveys what you feel twisting inside of him. The fear. The sadness. The anger.

He reaches out, asking for your hands, and you unfold your arms to give them to him, biting back a sob as he intertwines his fingers through yours.

“Whatever you have to do,” he says slowly, “Do it.”

You squeeze your eyes shut and inhale deeply to gather what little strength and courage you have left in you; then, you breath out a single word:

“Sputnik.”

A moment later, the Soldier collapses at your feet.

…

...

You couldn’t do it.

You’d told him you would, and had fully intended on honoring his wishes - but it was one hour into the three hour drive back to the safe house your handlers were waiting for you within that you realized you just couldn’t. You couldn’t take him back to the people who have been holding him hostage for over seventy years, doom him to another who knows how many more years of brainwashing and torture. You couldn’t, and you wouldn’t.

So you turned the car around, much to the displeasure of your handlers. The wattage of your necklace shot up almost immediately after you’d made the u-turn, and you’d almost driven into the guard rails due to the sudden onslaught of pain. You’d quickly smothered it, though, and righted the vehicle on the road, backtracking until you reached the abandoned house you’d spotted only a few minutes prior in the drive.

It had caught your eye because of its reminiscence of that safe house back in Alaska. It’s a small and barely standing home made of deteriorating wood, its front door hanging by a single hinge. Upon entering it you’d found it had the same damp, moldy atmosphere, and a similar, familiar layout - a ground level with two bedrooms and a bathroom, a living room and kitchen area, and a basement. Its windows were shattered, parts of the wood flooring were either caved in or missing altogether, and you’d even found an oil lamp while you were scoping out the basement.

Talk about déjà vu.

As for getting the Soldier into the house, it was as much of a struggle as it’d been to get him into the car your handlers had sent you out in. Somehow, though, you’d managed, and had tied him to a weathered dining chair that had squeakily threatened to collapse under his weight when you’d dropped him into it.

What had happened after that is nothing more than a blur of blood and tears, right up until you’d collapsed into an identical chair in front of a boarded up window, staring as if you could see right through the planks to whatever lies beyond.

You don’t know how much time has passed since then, but you haven’t moved since you’d sat down. You’ve barely even breathed.

There’s a pounding in your head from previously shed tears and there’s dried blood on your hands, your clothes. You’re shaking so badly you don’t know how you haven’t vibrated right off of the chair and into a clump on the floor.

He hasn’t woken up yet. You’re starting to worry he may never - that there’s another code word that has to be used to wake the Soldier after he’s been shut down by ‘sputnik.’

Wouldn’t that be just your luck? To do everything that you’ve done in the time since he’s been unconscious just for it all to be futile because-

A soft groan sounds from behind you, and you hold your breath.

Did you actually hear that? Or did you-

“Empat?” he rasps, a confused lilt to his voice. You almost start crying again at the sound of it.

He’s awake.

Everything you’ve done isn’t for nothing, after all.

“I’m here,” you get to your feet and move towards him slowly. Taking in his disoriented expression, you ask, “How do you feel?”

You being you, of course, you already know how he’s feeling; he’s got a headache similar to your own and he’s discombobulated, stiff and sore. Still, you ask him - not only because it’s nice to do so but because you want to hear it out of his own mouth.

However, instead of answering your question, he raises one of his own. “Why are you covered in blood?”

You stop right in front of him, shaking your head.

“It’s not mine,” is all you offer, reaching forward to brush his hair out of his face since he can’t do it for himself. You then trail your fingers down the side of his cheek, watching as his eyes flutter shut briefly in response to the gentle touch before he seemingly forces them open again, assessing you with his stormy blues.

“Where are we?” he asks. You freeze in your movement.

“Hour away from where we were,” you supply. He ponders that for a few moments, tearing his eyes from you to take in what he can of the room before meeting your gaze again.

“Are they coming to extract us?”

You drop your gaze.

“Empat,” his tone is low; dangerous - the closest it’s been to the one he uses while giving orders on missions this entire time. You turn away from him and clasp your trembling hands together.

Every so often your handlers have been knocking up the voltage of your necklace to tell you to hurry up and get you and the Soldier back to the safe house. You’ve been having to use more and more of your powers to keep yourself from feeling it, from being harmed by it, and it’s drained you more than you’re willing to admit.

You don’t know how much longer you can fight against it. You need to get moving before they ramp it up beyond the reach of your powers and kill you, which they’d very clearly told you they would if you failed them.

You’ve only hung around this long waiting for the Soldier to wake up to make sure that he would wake up; you didn’t want to leave him behind without knowing for a fact that he was going to be okay.

But he’s awake now, and really there’s no reason for you to be here anymore... Yet, you can’t bring yourself to move any further away.

“Empat,” the Soldier calls for you again, this time more desperate. “What did you do?”

You close your eyes.

He’s going to be so upset with you over this.

But perhaps that will make it easier for him to move on.

“I cut the tracker out,” you inform him, hearing him inhale sharply in response. “I…Understand why you didn’t do it yourself. I’d do the same thing, to see you one last time - but you know that if our roles were reversed you would refuse to take me back to them. So you shouldn’t expect me to,” you face him again, letting him see the tears that started running down your cheeks as you were speaking.

He looks as devastated as you feel.

Biting back a sob, you walk back up to him and cup the sides of his face, as he had yours earlier, and lean down to rest your forehead against his. You remain in that position for only a moment before pulling away enough to peer into his tear-filled eyes.

“I’m sorry I have to be another person keeping you from what you want,” you brush your thumbs over his cheekbones, “but I can’t do this to you. You’ve been with them so much longer than I have, Soldier; you’ve been through so much - too much. You deserve to be free, to live. And you’ve got a chance,” you smile at him sadly. “I can’t take that from you.”

Those words appear to be what takes him over the edge, as with his next blink, the Soldier’s tears spill over. They run down his stubble covered cheeks and quickly find themselves wiped away by your waiting thumbs.

“They’ll kill you if you show up without me,” he chokes out. And he’s right. You know he is. But,

“You would do it for me.”

You have him there, it seems - because he has nothing to say to contradict your statement. You nod, for no particular reason, and press your lips to his forehead; your silent I love you, your wordless goodbye.

You pull away from him with the intentions of leaving, but before you can even straighten your spine he says, “Y/N.”

You freeze.

That name…

You pull further back and meet his gaze.

“What?”

“Y/N,” he says again. “That’s your name. Your real name.”

Your breathing hitches.

You don’t know how, but you know he’s right. You can feel it.

“How-”

“You told me,” he answers your unfinished question. “When we first met, before they wiped you that first time - no one told you I couldn’t talk and you - you introduced yourself to me. You were terrified of me, I could tell - but you still stuck your hand out and told me your name. I couldn’t,” he pauses to gather himself, Adam’s apple bobbing. “I couldn’t have told you my name even if I could have remembered it, but I put my hand in yours, and you smiled at me. Do you know how long it’d been since someone had smiled at me? Without any malice behind it?” he leans forward against his binds, baring his wet eyes into yours.

You don’t say anything. You’re completely and utterly speechless, staring at him with wide eyes and a trembling lower lip. You drop your hands from his face and take a step back, absorbing every single word he has to to tell you.

“They wipe me to make me forget, but I never forgot that moment, Y/N, no matter how many times they did it. I never forgot your name even though my own was long gone.” The Soldier presses on, “I don’t know why, but I feel like it was for a reason. Like I was supposed to be the one to remind you what it was - to help you remember who you were. But I can’t do that if you’re...If you…”

He doesn’t finish, but it’s not hard for you to figure out what he was going to say.

I can’t do that if you’re dead.

“I don’t know what you think I can do,” you force the words out around the lump in your throat, “I die if I go back without you. They’ll kill me if I stay with you - either way, I’m dead. There’s nothing we can do-”

“Yes there is,” he insists, desperate. “We can go there - we can fight them-”

“And they’ll kill me as soon as they realize what’s happening,” you dismiss the suggestion, “right in front of you. I don’t… Want you to have to watch me die, Soldier. I don’t want you to have to carry that around with you for the rest of your life - can’t you understand that?”

“Untie me then. Let me try and get that thing off of you-”

“What?!” you take a step back as if he’s struck you. “Are you insane?! You’ll get electrocuted if you touch it!”

“Not if you protect me from it,” he counteracts. You shake your head and go to protest against the idea, but he starts talking again before you can. “Don’t you remember the day you realized what you could do? What you could really do?”

Of course you do. That’s another memory Hydra couldn’t rip away from you no matter how hard they tried: the day you found out the true extent of what powers Loki’s scepter had bestowed upon you. The day that you were promoted from the Winter Soldier’s nurse to his partner in crime - literally.

Seeing the look of recognition in your eyes, the Soldier latches onto it. “You can do it again. I know you can.”

“Your arm,” you point out. “It’ll conduct the electricity - send it straight towards your heart. And I don’t know if what I can do is enough to protect you from the damage that would cause.”

His face falls.

Clearly, he hadn’t thought of that.

He parts his lips to make another argument but before he can get a single word out the wattage of your necklace suddenly increases again, making you cry out and fall to your knees. You just barely manage to smother the pain this time; if they turn it up any higher, you’re not sure you’ll be able to.

“I knew you couldn’t do it,” a voice taunts in Russian from somewhere behind you. Recognizing it, you lift a hand in the general direction it came from and feel the power coursing through your veins gather in the palm of your hand before a cloud of black smoke erupts from it. The man lets out a scream of pure agony a moment later before hitting the weathered floorboards, dead. You look over your shoulder and take in the lifeless form of the handler before turning back to the Soldier, wide eyed.

“Untie me now,” he orders, and you know better than to argue with him.

As Hydra’s motto claims, ‘Cut off one head, two more will take its place.’

You’re gonna need his help.

So you scramble to your feet and round the chair he’s tied to, unsheathing the knife strapped to your thigh. It’s not easy to cut through the rope, which had been specially designed to restrain the Soldier, but it’s not impossible, either. You have him free before long and he puts his hand out for the blade, which you hand over without even thinking just in time for two more figures to step through the doorway.

“Sput-” the handler who had been just a syllable away from shutting down the Soldier again gets cut off by the knife you’d given him embedding itself in his chest. A cloud of black smoke engulfs him a moment later and he chokes on it for a moment before collapsing just as the first had.

Next, gun shots ring out. If any bullets hit you, you don’t feel them - all you can feel is the power in your shaking hands, the slight ease of its pressure as more of it is released onto the third Hydra agent. She does little more than gasp before her eyes roll back in her head and she lands on top of her comrade.

The Soldier surges forward, scavenging the closest body for any weapons. He finds a gun just in time to get a head shot on a fourth agent.

“We need to get out of here,” he states the obvious, taking a shot at a fifth one.

He doesn’t miss.

You clench and unclench your hands, the power surging within them making it impossible for you not to fidget. “My tracker’s still in, they’ll just follow us,” you remind him, “and the necklace-”

“Search them for the remote,” he meets your eyes briefly over his shoulder. “Someone here has to have it.”

You nod and kneel beside the body he’d taken the gun from. You rummage through the handler’s pockets, coming up short on finding the device that would free you from the necklace. From Hydra.

It’s unreal to you that this is even happening right now; you never thought you would ever have even a chance at freedom, but now -

As if it’s punishing you for even thinking about escaping, the wattage of your necklace suddenly spikes. And as you’d predicted, this time you can’t completely cover the pain it’s inflicting on you - it’s too strong, hurts too much.

You scream and fall sideways, clawing futilely at the electrified metal around your neck. For several long, agonizing moments, all there is is pain, pain, pain - and then, suddenly, it’s gone.

You think at first you’re dead; in fact, you’re certain of it. But then a hand taps on your cheek and you open your eyes - when had you even closed them? - and see the Soldier’s face hovering over your own. It melts with relief and he says something to you, but you can’t hear whatever it is over the ringing in your ears.

You’d tell him that, if you weren’t so dazed.

After some time the Soldier gives up on getting a response out of you and helps you to sit up, watching you closely afterwards, presumably looking for any signs that you’re going to pass out. You don’t, though your head does swim, and find yourself blinking rapidly trying to get your eyes to focus. They land on the doorway when they do, where a familiar man stands holding a familiar object, the sight enough to make your blood run cold.

Having noticed the shift in your demeanor, the Soldier follows your line of sight, tensing just as you had when he realizes what you’re looking at.

The ringing in your ears fades away just in time for Talon, the highest ranking of the handlers, to speak.

“Drop the gun, Soldat,” he commands, shaking the hand holding the remote to your necklace pointedly. “Or watch your precious little empath die.”

The Soldier swallows thickly. Then, he obeys, the gun clattering onto the wood floor just beyond your reach.

“As I thought,” Talon muses, his smile anything but friendly as he approaches you and the Soldier at a slow pace. His eyes are fixated on the latter, but his thumb hovering over the red button on the remote is enough of a deterrent to keep you from trying anything.

You don’t refrain from openly glaring at him, though.

“You’d do anything to keep her safe, hm?” Talon inquires coolly, his lips falling into their natural frown. “First chance at freedom in almost seventy years... And you toss it away for a girl you’ve known for two,” he holds up two fingers on his free hand for emphasis, and you flinch. Even though they’re the same words you've been telling yourself this entire time, they somehow sound even worse coming from someone else’s mouth.

The handler doesn't show it outwardly, but he notices how his statement hits a nerve. You know this because, for a moment, his irritation gives way to amusement; he can tell you're feeling guilty, and he's enjoying it.

Bastard.

Talon comes to a stop a few feet away from where you and the Soldier are sat. His eyes, their irises the color of green peridot, flicker back and forth between the two of you a few times before he seethes, “She makes you weak.”

The Soldier tightens his arm around you, and you can feel the anxiety rising within him; the anger. You want to spare a glance in his direction but opt to keep your gaze fixated on Talon, afraid of what he might do if you were to be momentarily distracted.

“It’s pathetic,” the handler goes on, “and if we didn’t need her help to sort out the mess your failure-” he jabs an accusing finger at the Soldier “-created, I would have you kill her. Slowly and painfully, to punish you both.

"I should regardless, considering what she was about to do,” he moves his focus onto you, now. “You should count yourself very lucky, Empat, and pray that I still find you useful when all this is said and done.”

Your glare turns deadly at the threat. In response, Talon hits a button - not the red one - to make your necklace come to life, albeit on a much lower setting than it’d been on before.

It’s a warning more than anything, but it still hurts.

“Yes, you will both be punished harshly for your recent acts of disobedience - eventually,” Talon states, tossing the remote into the air and catching it, quite literally playing with your life. “There’s simply no time for it now, as we leave for Sokovia tonight, per von Strucker’s request. He’s made a call for all of his creations to return and help defend their birthplace,” he stuffs the hand holding the device into his pocket and seems to consider you before adding, “He’s very interested in seeing how your powers have developed since he’s last seen you, Empat.”

Unease claws its way down your spine at the words, and though you’re not sure why - you trust it. You may not consciously remember von Strucker, but there’s a girl locked away in your mind who does; who’s warning you that he’s no one you’ll want to see ever again.

You trust her.

Talon sighs exaggeratedly, having seemingly grown bored of this one-sided conversation he’s been having with the two of you.

“Get her up, Soldat; we must get going,” he commands. You feel your heart lurch, and finally tear your gaze from the handler to look at the man who’s yet to let you go.

There’s a look of calculation on his face; the one he bears whenever a mission goes wrong and he has to come up with a new plan on the spot. What could he possibly-

“My name,” the Soldier snarls through gritted teeth, glaring up at the other man with pure hatred swirling in his chest. “Is James, Buchanan, Barnes. Not Soldat, not Asset - James. Bucky.”

You gasp silently in response to what he’s just revealed, and place your hand over that of his that rests on your waist, squeezing it tightly. Right now is the most inappropriate of times to feel happy, but you are, because the Soldier, your Soldier, he has a name. Well, he’s always had one - but now he remembers it; now you know it. You know his name and you know your own - your first one, at least - and, wow. You have names. Real, genuine names and it feels so surreal, so right, even if you are currently standing on the verge of losing them again.

“I gave you an order, Soldat,” Talon emphasizes the title pointedly, and you whirl back onto him with a glare even more murderous than the first had been. “And I expect you to follow that order, or I’ll-”

In your peripheral vision, you see the Soldier - James, you remind yourself - pull out a gun and line up a shot with expert ease. You barely register the action before he’s pulling the trigger and an ear piercing bang echoes throughout the abandoned house.

The bullet hits its mark, of course - a fatal head shot.

Talon’s body falls towards the ground and when it makes impact, whether his hand was just carrying out his last request or your luck is just that bad and he happened to land on it, the red button on the remote gets pressed.

The wattage of your necklace spikes, and it’s the most excruciating and unbearable pain you’ve ever felt. Your lips part to scream but the cry doesn’t even get a chance to escape before you succumb to the pain being inflicted upon you, your world going dark.

And then…

And then there’s light.

Not a heavenly, bright light, but a dim, golden glow.

You blink against it a few times, trying to focus your vision, all the while casting your healing warmth over the pain in your head. The world around you finally aligns and you realize that you’re in a car, sprawled across the back seat with your head lying on top of a rolled up denim jacket.

Your last few moments of consciousness return to you as the headache is successfully smothered to nothing, and immediately your hand shoots up to grasp at your neck - the action sending a jolt of pain through your arm.

Brows furrowing, you withdraw the limb and bring it to eye level, finding a bandage wrapped tightly just below your elbow. You bring your other hand up and pull the bandage down carefully, revealing a stitched up wound right where Hydra’s scientists had implanted a small tracking device beneath your skin seemingly so long ago.

The implications the sight brings forth make your heart stutter.

Slowly, almost afraid of what you’ll find, you lower your hand back towards your neck -

Finding nothing there.

And the fact that your necklace is gone is your second indication that something huge happened while you were unconscious, as the only time your handlers ever take it off of you is when you’re off mission and locked away in a cell. Gingerly, you rub at the scarred skin where it usually rests, putting the few pieces you’ve gathered so far together.

Your tracker has presumably been cut out, your necklace is gone, and both of those things could only mean-

You stop yourself short, realizing you’re getting ahead of yourself.

You can’t let yourself think that until you know for sure it’s true.

So without moving - because if it isn’t him, you’re gonna want the advantage of the person in the driver’s seat not knowing you’re awake - you close your eyes and reach out with your powers, studying the only other soul in the car. You take into account every familiar ache and pain in their body, the fragile hope within their chest, and you smile.

“Soldier?” you call, ignoring the pain in your arm as you push yourself up into a seated position. Startled, his icy blues snap towards the rear view mirror.

And then they melt.

“No,” he responds, a smile tainting his tone. “I’m Bucky.”

Disbelieving and overjoyed, a laugh bubbles up in your throat. He maneuvers the car to park it on the side of the rural road and you slide off of the back seat, leaning over the center console to look at his face. He turns to look at you, too, grinning - something you’ve never seen him do before.

He’s offered you slight tugs at the corners of his lips in moments where he was more ‘James’ than ‘Soldier,’ yes, but not ever this - this flashing of his teeth and crinkling at the edges of his eyes. Bathed in the golden glow of the rising sun and freedom, he’s one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen.

“Hi, Bucky,” you greet him breathlessly, smiling so hard your cheeks hurt.

“Hi, Y/N,” he returns, and the next thing you know you’re being pulled - squealing - from the back seat towards the front, and his arms are around you, holding you tight against him. In the cramped space of the car, the embrace is awkward and even on the verge of painful - what with all the levers and the steering wheel digging into you; but you don’t care. You just wrap your arms around him, too, and pull him impossibly closer, a different kind of tears filling your eyes as you bury your nose into his dark hair.

“I thought I lost you,” he heaves out the shaking words against your chest, trembling in your hold. There’s so many emotions twisting within him that it’s hard for you to decipher them from one another, but most prominent of all is his guilt; his overbearing, gut-wrenching guilt. It makes you realize, with a sinking heart, that not only had he thought you dead, he’d thought he’d been the one to kill you - inadvertently - by shooting Talon.

“I’m right here,” you murmur into his hair, pressing a kiss to it after. “It’s alright - we’re alright, Bucky. We’re free.”

At your words, he pulls back enough to meet your gaze, an almost mystified look on his tear-stained face. It’s the smallness of his voice as he repeats your last two words back to you that causes your own tears to spill over.

“We’re free.”

He almost sounds like he doesn’t really believe it, and you can understand that, as you hardly do yourself - but still, you try and reassure him, nodding quickly.

“Yeah, Bucky, we’re fr-”

Bucky presses his lips against yours, cutting you off.

Taken aback, you stiffen at first - but then you melt into him, one of your hands moving to cup the side of his face and pull him closer, the other sliding down to rest over his heart. It beats strongly against your palm, setting the pace for the kiss, the first the two of you have ever shared. And, oh, what a first kiss it is: gentle yet passionate, grounding but freeing all the same.

It warms you from the inside out and tingles beneath the surface of your skin in the most exhilarating of ways, making you feel so alive - reassuring you that you are, as it would be so easy for you to convince yourself that you’re not, since this is the closest to Heaven you’ve ever been.

If you could have it your way, it would never end; you would stay in this moment for the rest of your life, reveling in the feeling of Bucky’s lips moving against yours and his arms encasing you, the mix of positive emotions swirling in your respective chests. Your lungs however eventually betray you, and you have to part from him to catch your breath - but you don’t go too far. You only move to rest your forehead against his, a happier rendition of a moment lived not too long ago.

You stay like that, just basking in one another, for an eternity. And then he asks you, in a tone that tells you he’s open to anything you might suggest, “Where do you want to go?”

You smile as you open your eyes, meeting his waiting gaze.

“Anywhere,” you tell him simply. “As long as I’m with you.”

A/N: first and foremost, if you’re reading this, bless you for making it this far, and I really hope you liked this one-shot! I’d love to hear any thoughts you may have on it :).

I’ve been planning the story of Bucky and this specific reader in my head for months now, so to see them finally “come to life” is a pretty great feeling. I hope you guys love them as much as I do, because I’ll hopefully be sharing the journey that led them to this ‘epilogue’ with you soon 💜.

One last thing, I want to give a shout out to every single person who has given me words of encouragement and advice over the past few months as I’ve talked about picking up writing again. Especially @stop-obsessing-over-those-actors, whose reaction to just a snippet of this one-shot and constant support throughout the writing process pushed me to keep going even when I felt like giving up and dropping out of the challenge. I’m so sorry I kept you waiting to see what happened for so long! I hope the wait was worth it!

( @buckyreaderrecs and @stop-obsessing-over-those-actors, I did it you guys!! 💜)

178 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #335

“on my forehead, a birthmark / remove it with the kiss of a knife / even if it causes me to die”

Do you recover well from surgery? Judging by the two surgeries I've had, oh yeah. I was hyper as hell when I came home from getting tubes put in my ears as a little kid, even though the doctor said I'd be very sleepy. Then, after my cyst removal, I was put on very strong painkillers but was still warned it was going to be a painful recovery, when it totally wasn't. I literally only took painkillers the first day. What addictions have you had? Caffeine, technology. Would you change your name if you became famous? Nah. If Cupid were real, would you hire him to make someone love you? No. I don't want somebody forced to love me. Ever been to an auction? No. Which word(s) do you generally use to describe someone attractive? (e.g. “fit”, “sexy”) It kinda varies with gender. Women I tend to call "beautiful" or "gorgeous," sometimes "hot" or "cute," while men I usually refer to as "handsome" or "hot"/"sexy." The last person you kissed - are they older or younger than you? She's a bit younger. When was the last time someone wanted you to do something, and you refused? Hm. I dunno. I have a hard time saying "no," so. When was the last time you had Pop Tarts? What flavour were they? Many months ago; I kinda stopped eating them because they're truly not filling and just a load of sugar that veils itself as an actual breakfast choice. But anyway, I liked the chocolate sundae ones. Have you ever felt a temperature below 0? No. Did you ever play Spyro? I LOVE!!!!!!!!!!!! SPYRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those games were my CHILDHOOD, and it's half the reason I'm dying for a PS4 to play the remastered trilogy. Speaking of which, it'd be awesome if they remade the The Legend of Spyro trilogy as well. I might just like those games more than the originals, but that's a bold statement I'm unsure about. Have you ever dated someone who was of a foreign origin? I dated a Hispanic guy for less than a day. Have you ever read any of your idols’ books/autobiographies? Ozzy Osbourne's, yes. I'm just fucking waiting for Mark to write one, but he's always said he has so little interest in writing about his life. DO IT, YOU FUCK. Do you own any succulents? No. I think they're pretty, though. Do you have a drone? No. What’s your favorite Netflix series? *shrug* What is something a lot of people like but you don’t? Summertime. The heat, the humidity (at least here), the sunburn from just standing outside for ten minutes... I hate all of it. The ONLY two things I enjoy about summer is swimming and then flowers, though spring is the more floral season here anyway. Do you have revenge fantasies that you never actually play out? They've... happened. Did your first real significant other change you at all? Pretty sure forever. Are you waiting to have sex until you’re married? Once upon a time, that was the plan. Now, nah. I'd just want to be in a healthy, stable, and long-term relationship. What do you think about divorce? It's sad, but necessary for some people in order to be happy, which everyone has the right to be. I used to be very firmly against divorce except in extreme cases like abuse, etc., and I'm still definitely no fan of it and think couples should do their best to work things out, but it's incredibly unfair to believe that someone should be stuck for the rest of their life with a person they just don't love anymore. Getting married can be a mistake; don't damn people forever to be chained to their bad decisions. Do you remember the first time your heart broke? What was the reason? It was probably when Dad just abandoned us. What's the worst prank someone has ever done to you? I don't think anyone's ever pulled a sick joke on me. Have you ever seen someone sleepwalk? Yes; my little sister deadass tried to walk outside late at night. Thank God I was on the computer in the living room and stopped her. What song are you listening to right now? I just turned "Mutter" by Rammstein on. When is the last time you cursed? I'm not re-reading, but I have probably cursed fifty times in this survey already. It's so deeply ingrained into my vocabulary. Are there any words on your shirt? No; it's just a plain gray tank top. Why do you forward forwards? I never do because they annoy the fuck out of me. How many people are you interested in at the moment? Just one in a healthy and logical way. I can't be truly interested in Jason because like come on I haven't spoken to him in four whole years. My PTSD just ensures I never forget the memory of who he was, who probably no longer even exists. I mean, look how much I'VE changed in four years. Do you know any mechanical stuff about cars? Nnnnope. Who was the last person (apart from family) that you spent time with? What did you get up to? Apart from family, I have no idea. If you have pets, when was the last time one of them got on your nerves? Venus never does, but Roman can get on my nerves sometimes when I don't let him lay on me when I'm on the laptop in bed. He's a large cat (not overweight, just a big male cat) and blocks the screen big time unless he lies down properly, which he doesn't always do. He still tends to win when he tries to come over, but sometimes I'll block him with my arm, and this spoiled brat will actually slap it a few times before walking away lmao. Would you rather live in a house with a swimming pool or an indoor cinema? Absolutely a pool. I want one badly. Do you own a credit card? If so, do you currently owe any money on it? Could you afford to pay it off tomorrow if necessary? No. How many hours of sleep do you typically get each night? Is that enough to function or would you rather have more? Especially lately, I don't get nearly enough. Like at the time I'm answering this question, it's 4 AM, and I've been up for almost a couple hours. I struggle with falling asleep, I will ALWAYS wake up at least once in the night, and I jerk awake from nightmares regularly still. It's a big reason why I pretty much require naps. Does your house have a loft/basement? Are they functional or do you just use them for storage? We only have an attic. Do you suffer from road rage? What kind of thing tends to set you off or wind you up while driving? No. I'm way too timid of a driver to get that outwardly pissy about stupid people. I'd just judge them in silence, haha. What kind of animal did you last see in the wild? Is that a common sight where you live? Because of just how common they are, I'm going to assume this excludes birds, in which case it was probably a squirrel? Yeah, the normal brown ones are common. Do you post a lot on social media? If so, what kind of thing do you tend to post on there? Since I was fucking stupid enough to post a suicide note on Facebook (I don't want to hear a goddamn thing about "attention seeking," I genuinely wanted to say goodbye), I almost never, ever, share things about my personal life. Even before, it was rare for me to actually share what's going on with me. All I really do now is share relatable, wholesome, or funny shit I find, as well as political things I'm in firm agreement with. What are some habits you have in common with your parents? I pace like my dad, and it drives people crazy because it apparently makes them anxious? I can't think of an obvious one I have with Mom, but I'm sure one exists. Where's your favourite place to swim - the ocean, a pool, river, lake etc? I feel safest and most clean in a pool, but c'mon, swimming in the ocean is so much fun. When you're saving your place in a book, do you use a bookmark or fold your pages down? Or something else? It depends on the book, it seems. Especially if someone else owns it, like in school or something. Is any part of your body hurting at the moment? Is there a specific incident that caused the pain? My legs always hurt. I've shared enough as to why; it wasn't an actual, singular "incident." What was the last thing to make you laugh out loud? OH MY FUCKING GOD. So in group therapy the other day, one of the girls had her bearded dragon out, and he was being aggressive. I think he tried to bite her aND SHE SAID WITHOUT REALIZING HER MIC WAS ON, "fucking dickhead," and everyone d i e d. She's a really cool chick, I'll miss her when I'm finished with PHP. Who was the last person you heard sing? Myself, surprisingly enough. I barely ever sing. Do you bite your lips a lot? Yes, especially when they're dry. .-. What part of your body would you never get pierced? Anyone who gets a piercing "down there" has a greater pain tolerance than this bitch right here. Have you ever dated someone with tattoos? Juan had quite a few. I don't remember if Tyler did... but I think maybe a The Legend of Zelda-related one? Have you ever failed gym in school? No. Are you scared of dogs? No; I love dogs. What is the saddest movie you’ve ever seen? Man, idk, I'm a little bitch when it comes to emotional movies. The Boy in the Striped Pajamas is high up there, as is of course Johnny Got His Gun. Old Yeller, too. Which one of your friends is most likely to be famous one day? Why? Sara's gonna write a fuckin book series ok you can't convince me otherwise. What is the worst present you have ever gotten? Damn dude, what an ungrateful question. I'm just appreciative someone even thought TO give me something. Do you shave your arms? My armpits, yes, but not my arms themselves. How many people have you dated? I only count three as even remotely serious: Jason, Sara, and Girt. Have you ever performed in a play? I remember back in Sunday school as a tiny kid I played Mother Mary in one we did in class. Do you chew gum? I have been more lately since my doc upped the dosage of one of my mood stabilizers (which I think is actually helping); I mention that because apparently a side effect is dry mouth, and it's the fucking Sahara in there. He advises those who deal with it to always carry around hard candy or something like that for the sake of forcing salivation, so gum works for me. How old were you when you first started dating? I was in the 7th grade when I had my first "boyfriend," but it was total puppydog love. I started dating my first "real" bf when I was just shy of 16. Are/were your parents strict? Dad, no. Mom, only to a degree that I feel was pretty reasonable. She only ever wanted to prepare us to be functional, independent adults. Didn't work so well on me though, ha... Do you wear glasses? Yes. God, I need new ones. I'm blind as hell. What do you miss most about your childhood? Being so outgoing and happy to just be weird lil me. Do you write “To-Do” lists? Not really, no, but I do have notes on my phone about a couple things, like a bulleted list of planned monetary investments by importance, as well as a list of drawing ideas. Do you have a favorite quote? What is it? I don't, really. There's loads I like, but no one favorite. Could you survive as a vegetarian? I pretty desperately want to, but I don't know if it's realistic. I am so, SO picky, and without meat, it's very questionable as to where I'd get an adequate source of protein. I still want to try again though once I'm at my goal weight. Has anyone ever asked you for your autograph? Lol no. Has someone of the opposite sex ever told you that you were sexy? Yeah, but that was a looong time ago when I was actually some semblance of pretty. Do you prefer to take your showers at night or in the morning? I used to be someone who firmly stood by nighttime showers, but now I'm all about them in the morning. It's a nice way to wake up and start the day with productivity. Could you handle living with a male roommate? I mean, I lived with my then-boyfriend once, but I'm going to assume you'd consider him more than a "roommate." We lived with our two other friends, though, also a couple, and I was totally fine with living with them. Has anyone taken their shirt off in front of you? Yes. Do you like Freddy Krueger? His concept is very scary, but all the movies I've seen bits of have always been super cheesy. Which do you prefer, Naruto or One Piece? I haven't seen either and really aren't interested. What do you think of Rob Zombie? I've never really watched his movies, but I'm a fan of his music. What’s you fetish? I don't have one. Have you ever been in the “friend zone?" Well, what I'd call a "fake" one with Jason after the breakup until I was blocked on Facebook. I know now he absolutely did not want to be friends; he was trying to appease me. Is the area you live in more liberal or conservative? Definitely conservative. Do you know anyone who had to have tubes put in their ears as a baby? Yeah, me. Were either of your parents baptized? I'm certain Mom was, but idk about Dad. I think so. The last concert that you were at, was there a mosh pit? No. What was the last computer game that you played? World of Warcraft. Does your bathroom have a theme to it? No. Are any rooms in your house themed? No. What was the last thing that you recorded? I think Mom and I singing "happy birthday" to my late dog Teddy; we knew it would be his last. Do you like the show Futurama? Not really. Have you ever been in a choir class? I was in the elementary school chorus, as well as the choir at my childhood church. Are you ashamed of any of your family members? No, only myself. Were you a chubby child? No. Did you ever have senior photos done? No, even though I wanted them. Who is the person you dislike the most? God, this is so petty... but it's the girl Jason dated after me. I know it's childish as hell to feel like she "took" him from me, and I just feel this horrible hatred towards her that is entirely uncalled for. I just can't get myself to move past it. Do you take part in paying the bills for your household? No, as I'm unemployed and also don't have disability, so I literally can't. How do you usually celebrate New Years? I really don't do much. Sometimes Mom will grab a pack of daiquiris, but that's pretty much the extent of it. Does the place you work have music playing? What sort? N/A What was the last job interview you went to? At a local grocery store to work in the deli. Got the job, lasted there for not even two hours. :^) Do you know anyone with autism, mood disorders or learning disabilities? Autism and mood disorders, yes. I myself may have high-functioning Asperger's (yes, I know that term doesn't technically exist anymore, it's just the umbrella term of "autism," but w/e). Have you ever had an immediate relative pass away of cancer? My grandmother died of pancreatic cancer, and it's pretty much guaranteed that, unless there's some sudden accident, my mom will die of cancer, too. Hers got too bad to entirely eliminate every trace of cancer cells, so it will inevitably re-emerge at some point, just obviously some place else given that she had a total hysterectomy. Would you rather work in an office, warehouse or on a retail shop floor? Office. Are you a fan of sweet, sour, salty, or savory snacks? I enjoy all of those, but sour I think tops the list.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''mutter'' by rammstein

7 notes · View notes

juniorgman187 · 4 years

Text

auggie & esther (OC screenplay) Part 1

*GIF BY @tana-the-dreamchaser *

Summary: Auggie’s life turns around when a baby is dropped off at his doorstep.

Category: OC screenplay

Couple: Auggie (Masc!) x Esther (FilipinoFem!)

Content Warning: Profanity, mentions of alcohol, reference to pregnancy

A/N: I wrote this screenplay months ago during the summer with the intentions of Auggie being portrayed by MGG, but you can depict Auggie however you’d like.

I wanted to post pictures of my screenplay so that you could read it in the way it’s intended to be read, but Tumblr only allows for 10 pictures to be posted at a time, so I had to format the screenplay differently than how a screenplay should be formatted so that you could read it more clearly here on Tumblr.

Note:

Where there is simultaneous or quick dialogue in the script, there is a SLASH “/” in the middle of the speaker's dialogue, representing where the next actor should begin. The following actor's line will be started with a SLASH “/” to indicate that it is interrupting another line.

Brackets “[ ]” around words represent the english translation for the Tagalog words that were previously spoken.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

INT. AUGGIE’S APARTMENT - LATE SUMMERTIME

The birds are chirping. The sun is out. It’s practically a perfect morning, but AUGGIE, our protagonist, is clearly miserable nonetheless. The twenty something, disheveled mess nurses a beer while staring into nothingness.

A knock on the door snaps Auggie out of his trance. He sets down his beer on the coffee table and groans as he exerts effort to get up. The mirror that’s placed right next to the front door reveals his appearance to himself. Even he’s shocked by how gross he looks. The bags under his eyes are heavy and dark, his bed head mixed with his scruff is remarkably unattractive, and his eclectic robe isn’t even tied properly enough to hide his childish superhero boxers. He’s utterly disgusted by himself.

With what little dignity he has left, he opens the door. Thankfully, but also strangely, no one’s there. He peers out further into the hallway and towards the elevator landing, but still nothing.

That is until he looks down.

A newborn baby sleeps peacefully inside its infant car seat. Auggie’s eyes enlarge.

AUGGIE: What . . . the . . . fuck.

INT. AUGGIE'S APARTMENT - LATE MORNING

TOBIN, Auggie’s roommate, and Auggie are huddled around the child, peering down in awe. The baby is like an exhibition in a museum. While Auggie and Tobin are onlookers.

TOBIN: Don’t worry, dude. I’m sure it’s not yours. Someone probably left it here on accident.

AUGGIE: (in denial) Yeah, yeah, I bet this happens all the time.

Suddenly, a voice from behind them speaks. It’s RENE, the final branch of the triad that is their friend group. In his hand, he holds a folded sheet of notebook paper.

RENE: Someone leaving their child on accident with a relinquishment deed and a note saying specifically it’s Auggie’s? (cackles at their stupidity) Yeah, okay sureee. Just listen to this. (reading the note aloud, imitating a valley girl’s voice poorly) Dear August, I thought I could handle being a mom, but now I realize she’s better off in your care.

Both Auggie and Tobin tilt their heads as they look at the baby closer, as if to say, “Huh, I guess it is a girl.” To be fair, the baby’s dressed in unisex clothing, so it’s hard to tell.

RENE (CONT’D): (continuing to read letter) I’m sorry to spring this on you, but I’ve decided to relinquish my rights in case you want someone to adopt her. Otherwise, I grant you full custody, because of that, I thought that you should be the one to name her. I wish you both well. Take care, Jackie.

AUGGIE AND TOBIN: (gasp and look at each other) Jackie?!

RENE: Damn! She broke your heart and had your kid.

Auggie’s mind swirls. He collapses onto the couch, but this only puts him closer to the baby. Seeing her up close and being able to distinguish his own features in her freaks him out and he spirals a little more.

AUGGIE: GOD, she doesn’t even have a name yet. FUCK! /Shit!

RENE: /You can’t cuss anymore.

RENE: What about Marlene? She was a fan of mine back in my drag queen days. Lovely girl. Miss her to death.

TOBIN: Marlene? Hell no, she looks more like a . . . Agatha. Yeah, Agatha. That’s perfect!

RENE: Agatha? Are you fucking serious?

Rene and Tobin continue to argue in the background, while Auggie is still fixated on the child.

AUGGIE: Wait, shut up. Shut up! I know what to do.

INT. PRIMROSE BOUTIQUE - EARLY AFTERNOON

Auggie, Tobin, and Rene wander around the Primrose Boutique - the store ESTHER works at. Esther is Auggie’s childhood best friend, and secretly, his first (unrequited) love. Tobin and Rene mess around in the store, while Auggie trails behind Esther and waits for the right moment. As the visual merchandiser of Primrose, she’s busy dressing a mannequin and later, she finishes cashing out a customer, until finally, Auggie sees his window of opportunity.

AUGGIE: Jeez, I didn’t realize I had to schedule an appointment to talk to you.

ESTHER: (curtly, stoic) Are you bleeding, burning, or on the verge of death?

AUGGIE: (uncertain) Uh . . . no?

ESTHER: Then can you come back in an hour? My shift will be over then.

Auggie lifts the baby carrier and sets it on the counter. Esther was so busy she didn’t even notice it earlier.

AUGGIE: Granted, neither one of us is burning or bleeding, but I’d consider this urgent.

Suddenly, Esther’s attention is undivided. She begins to unbuckle the baby and hold her - something Auggie has yet to do.

ESTHER : (to the baby, in a baby voice) Oh my goodness, aren’t you just the cutest little thing? Hi, princess.

Notably, the baby nibbles on the tip of Esther’s finger. This small connection is already far stronger than the one Auggie has with the baby, or rather the lack thereof.

AUGGIE: I got Three men and a Baby’d by Jackie this morning. Remember her? Guess it wasn’t enough to dump me on my birthday, so she decided to drop off an extra gift for good measure.

ESTHER: And you came to me why?

AUGGIE: I need your help.

Esther carefully places the baby back into the carseat.

ESTHER: Like I said, I still have an hour before my shift ends. I can’t help you right now.

Auggie groans in frustration.

ESTHER (CONT’D): In the meantime, you should probably go to a store. There’s a Target just a block away. I can meet you there when I’m done.

Auggie knits his brows together in confusion.

ESTHER (CONT'D): Unless, of course, along with that baby, Jackie left you clothes, a crib, food, a stroller, bottles -

Auggie throws his head back and sulks. It never dawned on him that he wasn’t properly equipped to take care of her.

Esther sees her exasperated friend and summons a coworker to cover for her. As Esther collects her things and prepares to leave early, a loud clutter erupts. All eyes turn to Tobin and Rene. They managed to knock down a jewelry display while walking mindlessly around the store, using sequin scarves as blindfolds. Esther shoots a deadpan stare at Auggie for the actions of his friends.

ESTHER (CONT'D): (facetiously) How can I ever repay you for bringing Dumb and Dumber into my life?

INT. TARGET - NOON

Tobin and Rene mess around with a breast-feeding system, which earns a judgmental side glance from the worker Auggie and Esther are speaking with.

STORE WORKER: (asking Esther) So, Mom, are we looking for a new breast pump? We have a portable -

ESTHER: (interrupting) Oh, no, no no. I’m not the mother, just helping out a friend.

The worker nods, pretending to understand.

STORE WORKER: (asking Auggie) Oh wondeful. So, Dad, is this little angel’s mommy breastfeeding?

AUGGIE: (bashfully) Actually - funny story. (beat) Um, have you heard of the movie “Three Men and a Baby?”

Esther hides her face under her hand in embarrassment. The store clerk nods slowly.

AUGGIE (CONT'D): Well that’s exactly what happened to me this morning. Yeah, I kinda just found her on my doormat. But um, the note didn’t really have information regarding (coughs) breasts, so yeah, I, I know virtually nothing.

STORE WORKER: (unsure of how to react) . . . Oh, congrats. I’ll get you guys a registry list. It has everything you need on it. (just politely asking) So does she have a name?

Auggie nervously laughs.

STORE WORKER: Sir, does she have a name?

AUGGIE: Yeah, yeah. It’s . . .

He panics and his eyes wander. He scans the entire baby section. His eyes land on an entire shelf of baby soap.

AUGGIE: (uncertain and quietly) . . . soap? Soap?

STORE WORKER: Sorry, I’m not sure if I heard you correctly. Did you say Soph?

AUGGIE: (blurting out) Yes YES, a nickname. Short for Sophie. (actually realizing he likes the name) Yeah, Sophie.

Auggie smiles down at the baby with satisfaction. SOPHIE is perfect for her.

INT. AUGGIE’S APARTMENT - LATER

While Esther changes Sophie’s diaper, Auggie, Rene, and Tobin watch from a comically far away distance - grimacing each time they see something gross.

ESTHER: (baby voice) There you go, princess! Does that feel better? New clothes and a fresh diaper!

Auggie approaches Esther and Sophie with caution.

At this point, it’s undeniable that Esther has made a significantly larger amount of physical connection with Sophie in comparison to Auggie.

AUGGIE: Thank you by the way.

ESTHER: Oh yeah, it’s no problem. I’m happy to help.

Esther sets the peaceful baby inside a crib that she not only bought but assembled, too.

ESTHER: I should get going now, so -

AUGGIE: (interrupting her): Whoa, whoa, whoa you can’t leave. We need you.

ESTHER: I have to take the opening shift tomorrow morning because I left an hour earlier today. And I’m not always gonna be around. You need to learn how to do this on your own. You’re her dad. It’s time you start acting like it.

With a heavy heart, Esther leaves, but not before planting a kiss on Auggie’s cheek.

ESTHER: (whispering in his ear) I believe in you. (pulling away) And if you really need me, you can call me.

As Esther leaves the apartment, Auggie stands completely still as if he’s been paralyzed with fear.

RENE: Toby, did you see that? (singing) Auggie and Esther sitting in a tree -

TOBIN: (mocking Auggie) Oh, my dearest Esther! I beg of you, darling, do not leave me!

Tobin and Rene crack a few more jokes about what just happened, until they realize Auggie has yet to laugh or defend himself. He’s still staring at the door that Esther just left from.

TOBIN: Hey man, we were just kidding.

Auggie fully turns around to his buddies. His face has visibly gone pale.

AUGGIE: What am I gonna do?

Sophie starts to wail.

INT. AUGGIE’S KITCHEN - EVENING

Rene and Tobin munch on Chinese takeout, looking at something on Tobin’s phone and making calm conversation. On the contrary, Auggie paces around the room holding Sophie as she cries uncontrollably. He’s a mess.

TOBIN: Rene and I found Jackie’s insta. She’s pretty hot for a new mom. Lucky bastard.

Auggie gives a “really?” look. Tobin immediately puts his phone away apologetically.

AUGGIE: Yeah, I’m definitely feeling lucky right about now. Sophie’s been crying for two hours and nothing is working. I tried feeding her, changing her, I even tried reading to her. (frustrated groan) I’m gonna call Esther.

Objections from Tobin and Rene fade into the background as Auggie calls Esther.

INT. AUGGIE’S LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Rene and Tobin are seated at Auggie’s desk with his computer, looking up ways to get a baby to stop crying. They recite them to him as Auggie tries each recommendation in his living room.

AUGGIE: (checking his watch) Where is Esther? I called her like fifteen minutes ago.

Immediately, the door opens. Esther barges in with a large bag on her back. It’s a guitar case.

ESTHER: Sorry I’m late, I had to dig through the storage unit for this. (pushing Rene out of the desk chair) Move.

Esther takes the desk chair and places it right across from the rocking chair that Auggie and Sophie are in. She pulls out a dusty vintage acoustic guitar from its case. Frantically, she tunes it.

ESTHER: (with the guitar pick between her teeth) By the way, there’s like three noise complaint papers taped to your door. Gotta hand it to you, Auggie, kid’s got some lungs. I could hear her all the way from the lobby.

Esther strums a chord and with satisfaction, she takes the pick out of her mouth and starts to play Landslide by Fleetwood Mac.

ESTHER: (singing) I took my love, I took it down.

Her voice not only captivates Sophie, but it’s so beautiful that even Auggie, Tobin, and Rene are caught off guard. Not even Auggie, the closest friend she has, knew she sang so well.

A calm settles over the room. The atmosphere’s changed. Sophie coos. She likes it. She’s already calmer.

ESTHER (CONT’D): Climbed a mountain and I turned around. And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills. ’Til the landslide brought me down.

As Auggie rocks Sophie back and forth, his attention diverts to Esther. Auggie looks at her, really looks at her. As if for the first time, he’s truly seeing her.

Tobin and Rene are in the back, hugging each other like they’re proud parents watching their son and the love of his life interact.

ESTHER (CONT’D): Oh, mirror in the sky. What is love? Can the child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the changing ocean tides? Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Sophie’s almost fast asleep. Esther can’t help but smile.

ESTHER (CONT’D): Well, I've been afraid of changing. Cause I've built my life around you. But time makes you bolder. Even children get older. And I'm getting older too.

Sophie finally smiles as she drifts asleep. Esther laughs in awe. Her singing almost stops, before she notices that Auggie is tearing up.

ESTHER (CONT’D): Take my love, take it down. Climb a mountain and you turn around. And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills. Well the landslide will bring it down. And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills. Well the landslide will bring it down. The landslide will bring it down.

As the song comes to a close and Esther let’s the guitar fade, Sophie is fully asleep and peaceful again. Esther places her guitar back in its case and Auggie sets Sophie into her crib. As he does, Esther takes a deep breath and wipes the sweat of her palms on the sides of her leggings. She looks like she’s got to get something big off her chest.

AUGGIE: You are awesome. I can’t believe how fast that worked. You should record an album and -

ESTHER: (interrupting him) I think we should talk.

Auggie is confused at first, but the fact that her voice yields no sarcasm, he knows she’s serious. He takes a seat on the couch, while Tobin, Rene, and Esther sit across from him on top of the coffee table.

ESTHER (CONT’D): Look, I know you wanna do the right thing here, but just because Jackie gave her to you, doesn’t mean you have to keep her. And you are not any less of a good person if you let someone else take care of Sophie.

AUGGIE: Jesus, what is this? A fucking intervention? I’ve only had her for less than a day and you guys are already saying I can’t do it?

TOBIN: Augs, it’s not that - we just think you’re way in over your head.

Auggie is completely stunned by what he's hearing.

RENE: There’s no shame in giving her up for adoption. I know so many couples who haven’t had luck with a surrogate. So if you do give her up for adoption, maybe one of my friends could adopt her. She’d be going to a really good home- I’d make sure of it. I’m sure they’d even let you co-parent.

ESTHER : Auggie, we aren’t trying to be pessimistic, but the reality of it is, you aren’t ready to be a parent yet. Much less a single parent.

Auggie zones out a little. Sophie catches his eyes. He looks at her pensively.

EXT. A PARK - 5:00 a.m. NEXT day

Auggie’s jogging through a path in a park. Not many people are around considering it’s so early in the morning. A nearby car chirps and unlocks. It’s Esther. She looks up for a quick second, only to realize the jogger is Auggie.

ESTHER: (calling out to him) Hey, Auggie! Wait up!

Auggie notices and jogs back to see her.

ESTHER: What are you doing up so early?

AUGGIE: I could ask you the same thing.

ESTHER: I’m going to an earlier spin class so I can get a workout in before I have to open the store. Your turn.

AUGGIE: I find that in times of distress, running clears the mind. And after last night, consider me very distressed.

ESTHER: Well, there’s also the saying “Sleep on it.” But from the looks of you, I don’t think you’ve tried that approach. (caresses his face and sees the exhaustion) Did you sleep at all last night?

AUGGIE: (passive aggressively) Well I couldn’t get my own daughter to go to bed last night, so how could I get myself to?

ESTHER: August, I was just trying/ to help

AUGGIE: /That was out of line. I apologize.

ESTHER: I was going to meet you after my shift to tell you how sorry I was about what happened last night. I know it seemed like we were ganging up on you, but I promise it was out of love.

AUGGIE : No, I get that, but the only reason I was mad was because it was true. I know I’m not prepared to raise Sophie, but my pride is telling me I can’t let her go. If Jackie never gave her to me and let another family adopt her, I’d be okay with that, but knowing about her - knowing I am a dad - that makes all the difference. The unfairness of it all is holding me back, too.

ESTHER: What’s unfair?

AUGGIE: She’s already been abandoned by her mother. And if I do this, I’m abandoning her too. Only because I don’t think I can handle it. Isn’t that just selfish? There isn’t even a guarantee that she’s better off in the system. What if she’s never adopted and is forced to move from foster home to foster home? Each one being worse than the last. I know what that’s like.

Esther nods understandingly and holds her head low in guilt.

AUGGIE (CONT’D): My parents, now they - they are prime examples of people who should never raise kids, but I’m not them. I’m not perfect, but at least, I’m not bipolar. Or addicted to methamphetamines. I am nothing like them. And I’ve spent my entire life trying to prove that, but if I just gave up on Sophie, and she suffered the consequences, I don’t know how I’d live with myself. I’d be perpetuating the cycle. (beat) I was doomed from the start. But Sophie - I’m gonna get better for her.

Esther sighs and smiles. She takes her free arm and puts it around Auggie, embracing him in a tight hug.

ESTHER: I support you. (on the verge of tears but still cracking jokes) You know, Landslide isn’t the only song I can sing. I can play Fast Car, too.

Auggie laughs as a tear falls down his cheek. To suppress his sobs, he lets his lips press on Esther’s shoulder. She feels this and rubs her hand up and down his back - still hugging him.

ESTHER (CONT’D): I’m proud of you.

Auggie’s finally grown up.

EXT. A PARK - EARLY NOON

Esther and Auggie are sitting on a big comforter with little fixings laid out. Their conversations are tranquil as they nibble on some of the food. They even make a toast using champagne glasses filled with sparkling cider. In the distance, Tobin, who’s wearing Sophie in a baby carrier, and Rene are throwing around a frisbee.

AUGGIE: By the way, you’re not a very good liar. Was I that bad of a teacher? I mean, really, spin class was the best you could come up with? Correct me if I’m wrong, but it’s not ideal to go to Soul Cycle in a tank top and jeans.

ESTHER: Okay, well, telling the guy who runs for leisure that I’m going to a spin class speaks more highly of my character than admitting that I had an urge to completely rearrange the store and redress mannequins.

AUGGIE: I wouldn’t judge you for doing your job. I might’ve even applauded you for waking up that early to execute a plan that you could’ve done during your shift. I wish I had a job I was that passionate about.

ESTHER: I like it, but it’s not my passion. I’ve only been working there for as long as I have because I needed a stable job while I searched for my true calling. And now it’s been a few years, but my vocation has yet to call me back.

AUGGIE: Why don’t you pursue a music career? (Esther shakes her head and laughs) No, I’m being serious. You’re talented, E. I’m sure you could make a career out of it.

Esther’s smile fades. With a sigh, she changes from sitting on the blanket, to laying her back completely flat on top of it. She stares up at the cloudy blue sky.

ESTHER: I always thought about it, but I just think my window of opportunity closed. I’m what, 25 almost 26 now? And doing something as impractical as trying to be a singer - it takes years for people to build up their music careers. So I’d be nearly 30 when mine would presumably take off, and by that time, I’ll want to settle down, be married, live in a cozy home and start a family. All of the things my friends already have or are going to have soon. I mean, Francine’s engaged, Clara has twins on the way, and Julie’s living somewhere in a little European villa. (sigh) I realize that I can’t have it all, but right now, I don’t even have any of it. I feel like I’m waiting around for my life to finally begin, while it’s simultaneously passing me by.

Auggie’s face softens as he listens to Esther. He knows exactly what she’s feeling.

AUGGIE: For as long as I’ve known you, I don’t think I’ve ever seen you lose hope before. It’s what I envy about you most. I used to think the way you viewed the world was so naive, but now I’m jealous. I wanna believe in what’s to come as strongly as you do.

Esther’s moved. Her eyes cut away from the sky to look at Auggie, really look at him.

Esther rolls onto her side and shifts closer to Auggie. He imitates her actions, and soon enough, he presses his forehead against hers - their purest exchange of love.

Auggie’s so tempted to kiss her, but he wills himself not to. Before he truly loses his control, he pulls away and sits up.

AUGGIE: (clears throat) So, how’s Lola? [Filipino word for Grandmother. Esther is Filpino.]

ESTHER: She still asks about you. Except now with her alzheimer’s, she refers to you as “my skinny boyfriend.” (laughing) She’s good though. My aunt and I both agreed she’s better off with people that can actually help her. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t feel less guilty that I can’t do more for her. I owe her so much. Like she took me in, no hesitation, and raised me all on her own. And I’m biased, but I think she did a really good job.

AUGGIE: (smiling) I definitely think so. Anytime I walked you home, she’d always come outside and offer me food, or welcome me to stay in the guest room when I didn’t feel like going back to my foster home at the time. I probably felt more at home at Lola’s than anywhere else.

ESTHER: (beat) You don’t have to say yes, but would you maybe want to visit her with me? She really misses you and I’d think it’d be good to see another familiar face.

AUGGIE: (nodding rapidly) Yeah, yes, yes, of course.

INT. NURSING & CONVALESCENT HOME - A WEEK LATER

Auggie and Esther are seated beside Lola. She’s weak and slow, but she’s still got quick wit and a smile that never seems to fade. Esther and Lola are holding hands, while Auggie catches Lola up in his life.

LOLA: So, August, do you have a girlfriend yet?

AUGGIE: (blushing)Ah, not yet, Lola.

LOLA: Maybe then you should date her. (pointing to Esther) She's always complaining to me about how she is single.

ESTHER: (embarrassed) Lola!

Auggie laughs and blushes.

He wants to date her. He’s always wanted to date her.

LOLA: I’m not joking, ah! You two will get married and you can move into a nice neighborhood and raise Serena.

Auggie and Esther look at each other. They notice how Lola got Sophie’s name wrong. It could just be an easy mistake, but it’s not - they both know it.

ESTHER: (planting a kiss on Lola’s forehead) We’ll think about it, Lola, but you should get some rest. I’ll be back tomorrow, okay? Do you want me to bring you anything?

LOLA: August, are you going to come visit me tomorrow, too?

AUGGIE: I’ll be here, Lola. I promise.

Lola settles into her bed and smiles.

EXT./ INT. OUTSIDE THE HOME AND IN AUGGIE'S CAR - AFTER VISIT

ESTHER: You don’t have to come back tomorrow. She won’t remember anyway.

AUGGIE: No, no I wanna come. She was the closest thing I had to a mother figure and I want to be there. For you and her.

Esther smiles to herself. When they reach Auggie’s car, he opens her door first.

AUGGIE: So did you mean what you said back there? About thinking about us?

ESTHER: I kinda just said that in the moment to get her to stop. But I do think about us a lot, just not romantically.

AUGGIE: (slightly disappointed) Oh, okay.

ESTHER: Why do you ask?

AUGGIE: (shaking his head and driving out of the parking space) Oh no reason.

INT. AUGGIE'S APARTMENT - LATER

Auggie and Tobin are sitting at their dining table with Sophie in her high chair beside Auggie. Tobin and Auggie are nursing beers.

TOBIN: Yeah, she’s definitely lying. Girls always say the exact opposite of what they mean.

AUGGIE: But that’s just it - I’ve liked her for so long, how could she not know? (beat) You know, when Lola was talking about living together and raising Sophie, I started to picture that future, and call me crazy, but I think Esther could see it, too.

TOBIN: What’d Esther say?

AUGGIE Nothing really, because Lola forgot Sophie’s name so/ Yeah, I know.

TOBIN: /(winces) Oh.

TOBIN: Maybe that’s why she’s hiding how she feels. She’s got a lot to lose and she’s already losing some of it. Her grandma, who is really the only family she has, has Alzheimers. And if she confesses she likes you, but you don’t feel the same way, she loses you, too. I think maybe you should take the first step here. Put yourself out there and let her know that you want the same thing she does.

AUGGIE: But how do I do that without putting my neck on the line?

The apartment door swings wide open as an excited Rene comes running through. Behind him follows his other half, GIOVANNI. Auggie and Tobin see him and give him a small wave and an acknowledging nod. It’s obvious they’ve known each other for a while.

RENE: Gio and I are engaged bitches!

Rene waves his hand around and shows off his ring. Tobin and Auggie are quick to stand up and rush to Rene to embrace him. They congratulate Gio, too.

AUGGIE: So when’s the wedding?

GIO: Well, this one has been waiting for three years to get hitched, so now that we’re engaged, the wedding’s in six months.

TOBIN: Wow, so soon?

Rene snuggles up in Gio’s arms.

RENE: I’ve been waiting my entire life for a wedding, and I don’t plan on waiting another year. And six months from now is our four year anniversary.

A lightbulb goes off in Tobin’s mind.

TOBIN: Can people bring plus ones?

RENE: Well, we haven’t gotten there yet, but yeah I/ guess

TOBIN: /(turns to Auggie) Dude. That’s it.

AUGGIE: Wh/at?

RENE: /Why? What’s going on?

TOBIN: I’m like 99% sure Esther likes Auggie, but she’s just too scared to admit it. So if Auggie grows some balls and makes the first move, he shouldn’t have to risk it all in case she doesn't actually like him back. Asking Esther to be his date to your wedding is a perfect way to test the waters. Plus, if Auggie’s feelings for her are real, they’ll still be there in six months.

GIO: Are you sure you wanna ask her to the wedding? Six months is a long time to wait for a first date.

TOBIN: Like I said, he still needs to grow the balls to ask her. I’d argue six months isn’t long enough.

Auggie glares at him.

INT. AUGGIE'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Esther, Rene, and Tobin are lounging on the couch. They’re watching a horror film while Auggie is alone at the dining table with a lamp specifically placed on the table for light. Sophie’s in her high chair beside him as he drafts a list.

AUGGIE: (speaking loudly over the movie) What about a dog walker? I could use the baby carrier and then use both my hands for the leashes.

TOBIN: (speaking to Auggie, but staying focused on the movie) You’d have to scout out people so rich that they can’t be bothered to pick up their dog’s shit. Not a stable job if you ask me. (beat) I still say just go back to Elements with me. For just being a waiter, it has pretty decent pay. And we can coordinate our shifts so that one of us will always be home with Sophie.

Auggie nods to agree politely, but he’s clearly still conflicted. Glancing at a view of his list, there’s nearly three pages worth, but the first two pages have jobs that have already been crossed out.

Esther notices the stress that’s manifested within Auggie. She gets up from the couch to hold Sophie and sit beside him. Tobin lowers the volume on the TV, while Rene turns his upper body around to fold his arms on the top of the couch.

ESTHER : Don’t think about what pays well or what works for the schedule. You know I’ll babysit if you need me too.

RENE: (raising his hand) Me and Gio really want to babysit, too. It’d be good practice for when we have our own kids.

ESTHER : See, everyone’s here for you and Sophie. And if it's the salary you’re worried about, don’t be. You know, I’ve got you. But don’t choose a job you feel like you need to take but a job you want to. If you’re going to be spending hours at a time away from your daughter, and coming home to the job of being a dad, your work should be well worth the time you spend away and it should be something that doesn’t add to the stress you already deal with.

AUGGIE: Yeah, you’re right. (sets aside his list and actually thinks) Well, I’m addicted to coffee, so I wouldn’t mind working in a cafe. And I like to read, so working at a bookstore would be kinda fun.

ESTHER: Okay, good, that’s a start. Lemme think, right across from Primrose is this cafe called The Last Drop. We’d be working right next to each other so I’m always close by if you need me.

AUGGIE: Yeah, I think I’ve been there once or twice before.

ESTHER: Sweet, I’ll check in with the place tomorrow and ask if they’re hiring.(adjusts watch to check the time) But I should probably get home now.

Esther places Sophie back in her high chair and kisses Auggie’s cheek. She grabs her purse and waves goodbye to Rene and Tobin.

As soon as the door shuts, Rene and Tobin rush over to sit by an oblivious Auggie.

TOBIN: Du/de!

RENE: /Oh my god!

AUGGIE: What?

RENE: What do you mean “what?!” She’s literally in love with you- I’m calling it.

AUGGIE: Okay, you need to calm down/ I don’t even know what you’re talking about.

RENE: /She likes you!

TOBIN: She kisses you but Rene and I get a distant wave? Rene’s gay! She could’ve kissed him goodbye if it was just a friendly gesture, but she didn’t! Because a kiss like that is to show affection.

RENE: Not that I know anything about women and affection, but Tobin’s right. I’m not saying I want a goodbye kiss, but it definitely means something that you’re constantly getting one. And not to mention the whole sentimental speech about doing what you love and saying she’s got you if you have financial problems. She’s literally going to The Last Drop tomorrow to ask if they’re hiring for you.

AUGGIE: You guys don’t get it. Esther is just caring like that. And the kiss thing, doesn’t even -

The front door cracks open just a bit.

ESTHER: Hi, sorry to barge in again, but I was in the lobby when I realized I forgot to ask if you still want to go visit Lola tomorrow?

Tobin and Rene immediately hear this and they exchange subtle smirks and glances.

AUGGIE: Yeah, I wouldn’t miss it for the/ world.

TOBIN: /(whispering to Auggie) Ask if she needs a ride there.

AUGGIE: Do you need a ride there? I can pick you up from work.

ESTHER: Yes, that would be great. Thank you!

Esther shuts the door behind her, and chaos erupts. Rene and Tobin’s voices overlap as they each go off on Auggie.

INT. PRIMROSE BOUTIQUE - AFTERNOON

In a remote breakroom, Esther packs her things and prepares to leave. FRANCINE, Esther’s coworker and friend, scrolls through her phone while eating a snack.

FRANCINE: You’re leaving already?

ESTHER: No, I just have to stop by The Last Drop and see if they’re hiring before I visit my grandma.

FRANCINE: OMG, are you quitting?

ESTHER: No, no, I’m just asking for a friend.

FRANCINE: Is it for that guy that came in with the baby a couple days ago? Do you like him?

ESTHER: (blushing and uncomfortably laughing) I- I don’t really know. We’ve been friends for so long that a part of me just can’t picture dating him. But yesterday, my grandma was talking about what our future could look like if we were together, and you know that I’ve been struggling for so long with my life plan. But hearing her say that, it felt like everything was falling into place. Like that’s the life I want to live.

FRANCINE: If it’s any consolation, it’s obvious to me that he likes you.

Esther finally makes her way out of the breakroom to officially leave.

ESTHER: Well, I have yet to see any proof of that being true, but I’ll keep you posted.

Esther is about to walk out fully, when Francine catches her before she really leaves.

FRANCINE: Is he going with you to visit your grandma?!

Esther doesn’t respond, but her body language says it all. She smiles to herself and shakes her head.

INT. THE LAST DROP

Esther makes her way to the counter. No one’s there to help. Most workers are in the back making drinks, but some are waitering.

She taps on her watch and glances out the open windows to check if Auggie’s outside yet. When she turns her head, there’s a waiter making his way around the corner to help. He twirls a toothpick in his mouth and wipes his hands on his apron while Esther reads his nametag. His name is ROMEO.

ROMEO: Sorry about the wait, we’re understaffed today. What can I get for you?

ESTHER: Actually, I’m not ordering anything, but I might have a solution to your problem. Are you guys hiring?

There’s something in the air. The way that Romeo’s looking at Esther and the way they’re leaning in.

ROMEO: (with particular charm) Depends who’s asking.

ESTHER:(weak laugh) Ha, I would apply, but I’ve got a job just across the street.

ROMEO: No kidding. You work at Primrose? All this time I’ve been working across a beautiful girl and I’ve never known.

Esther smiles and her cheeks flush, but this flirtatiousness is foreign to her, so she isn’t sure how to react. So rather than play along or address it, she brushes it off.

ESTHER: Yes or no?

ROMEO: Yes, I will have lunch with you sometime.

ESTHER: (slaps his arm playfully) Hey I’m being serious, yes or no?

ROMEO: I’ll answer you when you answer me.

ESTHER: I asked you first.

ROMEO: I’ll think about it. Now you.

ESTHER: Ditto.

Romeo’s even more interested. He raises his eyebrow. Esther slides him Auggie’s resume and in this moment, there’s clear tension and chemistry. Suddenly, their moment is interrupted by the tap on Esther’s shoulder. It’s Auggie.

AUGGIE: Hey, I’ve been outside, but you weren’t answering my calls. You ready?

Romeo pushes himself away from the counter, while Auggie puts his hand on her back to guide her outside and away from Romeo. There’s something subtly territorial about this interaction.

ESTHER: Yeah, yeah, I’m ready. Let’s go.

Esther and Auggie leave The Last Drop, with Romeo in the background following Esther with his eyes.

As Auggie opens the door for Esther, he can’t help but ask.

AUGGIE: Who was that?

ESTHER: No one.

EXT. A BENCH UNDER A TREE - LATER

Lola, Auggie, and Esther are seated on a bench underneath a cherry blossom tree. Auggie’s fixated on Esther, Esther’s fixated on Lola, and Lola is looking out into the distance.

LOLA: August, do you have a girlfriend yet?

Lola’s already forgotten that she asked him this yesterday. Esther gives Auggie a look of “just go with it.” But Auggie already understands.

AUGGIE: Not yet, Lola, but I’m open to it. A mother figure for Sophie would be great.

A shift in Esther occurs. She’s listening more intently. This wasn’t the answer he gave Lola yesterday.

LOLA: You know who would be a good mother. Esther. She was always offered babysitting jobs because people thought she was so good at taking care of their children. Maybe you should date her.

Yet again, Lola leads Auggie and Esther down a path that they’re too scared to admit they both want to explore.

ESTHER: That’s not true. The kids would always ask me to come babysit them because I’d sing to them. Other than that I wouldn’t say I’m very maternal.

Auggie interjects.

AUGGIE: She’s just being modest. I’d love it if Esther helped me raise Sophie. My only hope is that Sophie grows up to be just like her.

Auggie looks over at Esther and exchanges a soulful glance. Esther smiles back.

LOLA: (to Esther) Anak [child], can you bring me my sweater from my room? It’s getting a bit chilly outside.

Esther obeys and leaves Auggie and Lola on the bench. Lola watches Esther go inside the home and places her hand on Auggie.

LOLA: August, I am not what I used to be, but I’m sharper than you think. (beat) Esther and I spend hours just talking about you. To me, it is obvious that she wonders about your relationship, but she’s too scared to ask. So I ask for her, even though I already know the answer. I know you’ll never say you have a girlfriend until it’s her you’re dating.

AUGGIE: Tama, po. [You’re right.]

LOLA: I always knew you two would end up marrying each other. Ever since you came to the house with a suit on to take Esther to the dance. I only remember it so vividly because she didn’t eat dinner that night she was so sad. I regret not telling her you came by. I think it would’ve made her very happy.

Auggie laughs, not only because food is attached to the memory (something very Filipino of Lola) but because he remembers that day too.

AUGGIE: Lola, does she love me?

LOLA: Do you even need to ask?

EXT/INT. OUTSIDE OF ESTHER’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Auggie opens Esther’s car door and walks her to her apartment.

ESTHER: You don’t have to walk me to my door. I’ll be fine.

AUGGIE: No, no I want to make sure you get there safely.

Esther smiles gratefully at him and mentally notes his chivalry.

There’s a comfortable silence that falls upon them. As they climb Esther’s staircase, very few words are shared, but it’s okay.

ESTHER: So I’ll see you tomorrow then.

AUGGIE: (cheekily) Tomorrow.

Esther begins to unlock her door, but when the key turns, she hesitates.

Esther and Auggie share a brief hug before she goes inside. After locking the door behind her, she lingers for a moment. As she presses her back against the door pensively, Auggie does the same on the other side.

Another missed opportunity.

EXT./INT. PRIMROSE BOUTIQUE - NEXT MORNING

Esther makes her way from the parking lot into Primrose. As soon as she walks through the door, she can hear a crowd in the backroom. When she finally gets there, she sees Francine handing out papers.

FRANCINE: (handing her the card) Oh good, you’re here. These are my official save the date cards!

The card reads “Save the Date for the Wedding of Francine and Alonzo”

ESTHER: Wow, I can’t believe you’re getting married in six months. That’s crazy! I swear it was just yesterday that you were engaged.

FRANCINE: I know right!

ESTHER: Are Julie and Clara coming?

FRANCINE: I tried phoning Julie, but no response. Probably with some Italian hunk on his yacht where there’s no reception, so I won’t be counting on her to make an appearance. And Clara wants to come, but it’s just too close to her expected delivery date for her to tell.

Instantly, Esther shuts down. As if she didn’t need another reminder that she was far from experiencing the milestones her friends were lucky enough to be experiencing now.

Esther fakes a polite smile and thanks her. She puts the invitation in her purse and walks to her locker. A bouquet falls out.

FRANCINE: Oh yeah, some guy came by earlier asking about you. He gave me those roses to put in your locker. That’s not the same guy with the baby, was it?

Esther reads the card. “I guess finding out your name was Esther was worth the hassle. -R”

ESTHER: No, he’s this guy that works at The Last Drop.

FRANCINE: Ooh, playing the field now are we? Go you.

ESTHER: No, no it’s not like that.

FRANCINE: So which one are you gonna invite to the wedding? Baby guy or coffee guy?

Esther stops in her tracks when she realizes the opportunity that lies ahead.

✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*

14 notes · View notes

secondhand-trash · 5 years

Text

Five Hargreeves(UA)- Three Times He Proposed and the One Time You Said Yes

A/N: Ok fine, so this was the fic that i originally planned to post last week. I was having a major struggle with the plot and I abandoned it mid-way to work on the one that I posted yesterday. Glad that I succeed in finding the motivation to finish this.

Description: He wanted to get married, you did not.

Warning: Blood, fighting?

Wordcount: 2634

Playlist:

Loving is Easy//Rex Orange County

All Out of Love//Air Supply

Summertime//My Chemical Romance

“Marry me.”

“No.”

You put the book you were reading down onto your lap and looked up to see your very unimpressed boyfriend.

You two were assigned partners in the Commission. Being a well-trained assassin before being recruited, you were one of the most skilled in the organization and was beyond annoyed to be paired up when you were doing fine on your own. At first, you couldn’t stand Five but came to develop a liking towards him after going on multiple missions together, being more empathetic after learning what he had been through. You hated to mention it as you felt that it boosts his ego way too much, but being the more powerful one out of the two of you(he did have an upper hand, superpower and all), he did save your life on multiple occasions.

You were 50 and he was 58 when you went on the mission to stop the assassination of Kennedy. You soon noticed that he wasn’t paying attention to the mission at all and you confronted him about it.

“Five, our target is getting close to where we need him to be. Can you just stop flipping through that notebook for a second and focus? It’s really unlike you to...”

“Shush. I’m almost there, almost done...”

It ended up with him pulling you into the portal with him. The next thing you knew, you crashed onto the ground, shocked to see that both you and Five had the body of a child. Obviously, you were infuriated but eventually joined in on Five’s plan to stop the apocalypse with his siblings. You were glad to say that the plan did work, no one knew for sure that there is no more apocalypse in the future but at least everything seemed fine for the moment being. No longer having to kill people for a living and regaining the youth you had long lost, you got to experience the joy(pain) of growing into an adult all over again, this time in a modern world and with new friends. It didn’t took long for your relationship with Five to develop into something most certainly more than platonic.

And that’s how you ended up right where you were at. Trying to read a book on a sunny afternoon at the building that used to be the Umbrella Academy, when Five suddenly tells you to marry him.

“And why, exactly?”

“We’re a mess, Five.” You said and Five rolled his eyes, walking away from you.

Sensing his annoyance, you quickly got up and followed him down the corridor towards the bar. You went in to see him picking up a bottle of tequila and you instantly cover the glass he was holding in his other hand. “Five, put that down.” He turned his gaze from the liquor to you, putting the items down and crossed his arms in front of his chest. You sat down across from him and stared back at him, resting your head on your palm, waiting for him to say something.

“Was it something I do?” Five questioned, looking more defeated and confused than frustrated now. You regretted your bluntness earlier. You hated seeing him like this, feeling so guilty knowing that you caused the pain that he tried so hard to conceal yet you stood by your answer.

“No, it wasn’t you,” you reached out to touch his cheek, “We both went through so much. You got stuck in the apocalypse all by yourself for decades, no don’t give me that look pretending to be all tough and whatnot, I know how much it affected you. I was literally raised to be a killing machine who does not know anything but how to kill. It was all I know and now that I don’t have to do that anymore, I’m lost.”

The young man furrowed his eyebrows, “And how does that correlate to what I was asking you?”

“It’s just... you know?” you struggled to find the right words, “For once, everything is so peaceful. No more killing, no more assassination, no more apocalypse yet I feel so out of place, so.. without a purpose. I don’t want to go into marriage with that kind of emotional burden, there’s so many stuff we have to work on. I don’t know how to put it in words but I just don’t feel ready and...”

“Alright, I get it.” Five stopped you from rambling, a forced smile plastered on his face, “Forget that I’ve said anything.” With that, he teleported away, leaving you alone in the bar.

The following days were torturous. He made a point to let you know that he was ignoring you on purpose, teleporting pass you every time he wanted to walk past you. Five avoided all kinds of interaction with you, not even a simple “good morning” at the table. The silent treatment was driving you insane, especially when you two live in the same building. You two had fought before, but never for this long. It hurts but you couldn’t help from being frustrated as well.

“You can’t just ignore me, Five.” You said to the man sitting on the far end of the table who was mindlessly stirring his cup of coffee. He looked up and gave you a cold stare for a second before turning his gaze back to the black liquid. You sighed, “Come on, Five! Just give me a response, anything!” Nothing, not even a glare this time.

“Fine,” You threw your hands in the air in defeat, “I’ll stop bothering you.” Shoving the chair back, you got up and walked away from the table.

“I don’t understand your reluctance towards marriage,” the voice stopped you in your tracks.

"The last time we had this conversation, it ended up with you ignoring me for days.” You turned back to look at Five, folding your arms in front of your chest as you recall the last time you talked to him.

“Well,” Five said bitterly with a mocking grin on his lips, “I’m not sure if you noticed but when you proposed to someone and got rejected, feeling hurt is a completely normal reaction."

"I've told you, I don't feel like I'm ready for it yet." You said, a hint of frustration in your tone. After knowing Five for so long, you had come to realize that his experiences in life made him stubborn and target-focused, you did find it to be a loveable trait sometimes but right now, it simply felt like he was not listening to anything you had said.

"I'm not saying that your concern is invalid but I just don't see how that has to do with anything." Five said, propping himself up by placing his arm on the table. He seemed so calm and collected, too nonchalant that it was almost forced. It was the silence before the storm and you could sense that he was starting to loose patience, you two read each other like a book after years of companionship.

The annoyance in his tone almost ticked you off. "Five, I do want to marry you," you said, "and we will get married one day, just not now. Not while there are so many things we need to figure out."

"You're avoiding my question."

"Why are you rushing this?" you said, raising your voice without noticing.

Five snapped, "Why can’t you see that this could be our chance at happiness?”

You were taken back by his burst of anger, the shock was soon replaced by your own annoyance. “Did you even listen to anything I said?” you bite back.

He let out a dry laugh, “Yeah, and I don’t see how that makes any sense.”

You were lost at words, he didn’t seem to pay much attention and carried on, "We finally stopped the apocalypse and for once, everything is at peace. Like you said, no more killing, no more Commission here to give us orders. Why should it matter that we are messed up? We have each other!”

As sweet as that sounds, it disturbed you way more than such a confession should. “Marriage is a commitment and getting married means sharing a life, relying on nothing but another person is not healthy I-”

“I can’t lose you.”

It came out like a roar. Both of you froze in place. Five sighed and his shoulder sank, “You are the one good thing I have and I can’t live with the thought of losing you. Which is why I am asking you this right now, marry me.”

You stared your lover who looked so small, the shadow of the old man who went into the battlefield with you hidden deep in his eyes. Neither one of you were ready. “My god, listen to us,” you said with an almost trembling voice, “we can’t even talk about marriage without getting into an argument. How are we suppose to get married?”

“(y/n)...”

“Our issues won’t just go away if we get married. A happy marriage takes work, it takes communication.” you paused as you felt tears welling up in your eyes, “I can’t marry you when we are like this. I’m sorry, Five” He tried to say something, but you didn’t give him the chance and walked out the room.

“Agnes, I feel like a bitch.” you mumbled while you rest you head on the counter. You needed to sort things out and being in awkward silence with Five did not seem like a good option. So you headed out for your favourite spot in town(Five brought you here first, but you got so hooked on the doughnuts that you ended up visiting on your own all the time).

The waitress put down a plate and gave you a soft smile, “I’m sure he’ll understand. Getting married is a big deal, you should always respect the other person’s opinion no matter where they are coming from.”

You looked up and sighed, “If only he understands. I have no idea how I’m suppose to go back and face him.”

“He’ll come to his senses, you two always manage to sort things out after you fight.”

“Sure, but things are different this-” You held onto your mug as you speak when you saw a shadow of what seems like a person flickering from its reflection. You moved it slightly towards the light source to get a clearer image. Your heart skipped a beat as you finally make out what the shadow was. Gunman, and more than one.

“Hide in the back room.” you quickly whispered to Agnes, trying not to move as to avoid suspicion.

“What? But I-”

“Just do it,” you muttered, “lock the door and don’t come out.” Agnes was confused but did as you told her to reluctantly. You could feel your palms sweating as you clenched your jaw, there was only one reason to explain why gunmen were here.

The Commisson found you, and they want you dead.

Upon regaining your youth, your physical abilities were better than the time you worked as one of them but you were out of training. It had been a while since you last had to fight someone, let alone a group of armed fighters. But there was no choice but to act on your instincts as you heard the sound of the doors opening and the clicks of the trigger. Sliding a knife in between you fingers, you spun around to face the group of men pointing their guns at you. You recognized each and every single one of them, you trained some of them yourself. They were good, but you were better.

Without a single thought, you sprint towards the closest man and knocked his gun off his hand. There was no time for thinking and you did what years of experience taught you to do.

Quick movements, no hesitation, no mercy.

It was a tough fight, you were more skilled but outnumbered. But the blade had yet to lose its edge and the group of men were now lying lifelessly on the floor. You could taste the copper tang in your mouth as you pant, a sharp pain spiked through your body and you hissed in pain. You put your hand on your waist only to pull back and saw it covered in blood. One of those bastards must have hit but you were too focused to notice right away. You tried to move towards the door but your breathing got heavier. Your legs gave in and you collapsed on the floor.

The last thing you saw was a flash of blue light before your vision gone black.

The light almost hurt your eyes when you woke up and you had to fight to force them open. Lying on what seems to be a bed, you tried to get up but yelped at the pain in your waist. “Careful.” a pair of arms supported your back and slowly helped you lay back down. You turned to see a very concerned Five by the side of the bed.

“How did I get back?”

“Agnes called me, I heard the fighting and got there immediately. I arrived to see you on the ground, covered in blood.”

“Oh.” you whispered, staring at the ceiling.

“You’re reckless for going into a fight against so many people WEAPONLESS.” he said, widening his eyes as he emphasized on the last word.

“Well,” you said matter of factly, “they were blocking the door and most of us normal people would need to physically walked through an exit to leave a place. Would be convenient if I could teleport though.” Five let out a humph and rolled his eyes in a mocking manner. You smiled, relieved to see that at least he was responding to your jokes again.

Five’s expression returned to a more serious one, he pursed his lips and opened his mouth hesitantly, “About earlier,” he avoided your eyes, a sign of doubt that was rare to see on him, “I’m sorry for pushing you to do something you don’t want to.”

You tried to say something, that you were sorry too but he stopped you. “I never got to have a ‘normal’ life and with the peace that I have now, I’m so afraid to lose it again that I wanted some sort of… some sort of reassurance that things are stable, and I figured that marriage would be the thing that could do that.” He lowered his head in embarrassment and you reached out to push the hair out of his face, showing him that you get it and you did not blame him at all.

“The Commission sent people after me, they’ll sent people after you. They won’t stop until they hunt us down.”

“Then we take them down,” Five said, holding your hand in his, “the best of the best, fighting together.” You chuckled. Looking into his eyes, you were reminded of the many reasons you fell in love with him in the first place, one of them being the way his eyes glisten when he speaks of things that he cares about.

“I want to marry you,” he said with his eyes fixed on you, “because you mean the world to me. We can do it tomorrow, next month, next year. Hell, next decade, I don’t care. I’m ready whenever you are ready.”

At this moment, you realized that you had found the purpose you were so desperately looking for. You wanted to grow old with this man, getting better and better each day. Whatever you set your mind on, you want him by your side as much as you want to be there for him.

“Five?”

“Hm?”

“Ask me again.”

“Will you marry me...?”

“Yes.”

#Five hargreeves #five hargreeves imagine #five hargreeves x reader #five #five imagine #five x reader #number five #umbrella academy #the umbrella academy #umbrella academy fanfiction #umbrella academy fanfic #umbrella academy imagine

4K notes · View notes

talkfastcal · 4 years

Text

you can tell a lot about someone by the type of music they listen to 🎵🎶

rules: hit shuffle on your media player and write down the first 20 songs, then tag 10 people. no skipping!

Thank you for tagging me! @i-like-5sos

1. Long Way Home - 5SOS: Oh! I haven’t heard this song in awhile. This is one of my favorites from self titled (although I will always prefer the acoustic version) I still remember when they changed the lyrics to “white snake on the radio” during my ROWYSO show. My favorite lyric is “so we’re taking the long way home cause I don’t wanna be wasting my time alone”

2. Bloody Mary - Lady Gaga: I remember the first time I heard this being 11 years old and shocked LMAO if I’m being real honest I love the beat (AND THE BASS) of this song. ALSO the chorus “I WONT CRY FOR YOU” is so GOOD

3. Not Warriors - Waterparks: y’all are in for a TREAT THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE WATERPARKS SONGS. I cannot just listen to this song just once. It’s always at least 3 times and it’s ALWAYS blasting (and yes I did replay it 3 times and blast it through my headphones while typing this) When the beat drops and “THERES NOTHING IN MY SYSTEM SO IM FEELING WHAT I FEEL FOR YOU” so POWERFUL!!!! My favorite lyric is “but hey for what it’s worth I think you saved my life”

4. Best Song Ever - One Direction: I still refuse to believe this song is about sex LMAO this is such a fun song to dance to though I love it. My favorite part is Niall’s solo “I said can I take you home with me, she said never in your wildest dreams”

5. Strong - One Direction: OH! FUCK! MY FAVORITE ONE DIRECTION SONG DON’T EVEN GET ME STARTED I LOVE THIS SONG SO MUCH THE CHORUS “IM SORRY IF I SAY I NEED YOU” I CANT I CANT. If you have not heard them acapella sing this do me a favor and go listen ITS SO GOOD ALSO! Zayn’s high note. My favorite lyric is ofc Louis’ solo “think of how much love that’s been wasted people always trying to escape it move on to stop their heart breaking but there’s nothing I’m running from, you make me strong”

6. Kids In The Dark - All Time Low: YES I LOVE THIS SONG I LOVE THIS ALBUM I LOVE THE MEANING OF THE SONG I’m not joking when I say that I found this song and this band during the hardest time in my life and this song just really hit me hard. My favorite lyric is “beautiful scars on critical veins” AND the firework pop towards the end!!!!

7. Olivia - One Direction: I will admit this song has grown on me big time post hiatus (also the fact that now I’m not hiding my sexuality from myself I can freely listen to this song without feeling ashamed) I! Love! This! Song! It’s such a cute love song!! My favorite lyric is “the summertime butterflies all belong to your creation”

8. I Love You 5 - Never Shout Never: another band I was obsessed with back in 2015 I haven’t listened to this song in awhile!! I remember loving this song though and using it everywhere. I also like in the beginning he says “I love you one a two a three shoobe-doo I love you four that’s more than I can afford”

9. Only Angel - Harry Styles: idk not much to say about this Harry song it’s not in my top 5 but it’s a good song! I like listening to it but it’s just not my favorite. My favorite lyric is “open up your eyes shut your mouth and see that I’m still the only one who’s been in love with me”

10. Viva La Vida - Coldplay: no one: - me: AHHHHHHHHH literally this song will never be the same ever since 1d performed it on xfactor. Idk what to say about this song other than the fact that I like it??? I also like 1D’s cover of it??? Yea cool. My favorite lyric is “Never an honest word but that was when I ruled the world”

11. Glitter & Crimson - All Time Low: this song has definitely grown on me since the release of wake up sunshine. ALSO THE BRIDGE! My favorite lyric is “lets start lets start a riot hard to sit still when your head’s on fire”

12. (Love Will) Turn Back The Hands Of Time - Grease 2: don’t clown me y’all but this movie and soundtrack are a guilty pleasure. I love the original grease BUT grease 2!! It’s such a stupid movie but the soundtrack is fantastic. Anyways this song is another guilty pleasure LMAO I love the whole song so I’m not picking a “favorite lyric”

13. Savior - Rise Against: OH!!!! OH!!! THIS SONG RIGHT HERE!!!! fun fact: the first time I actually heard this song was when I watched a video of someone on YouTube burning her littlest pet shops because a trade went wrong and she got scammed so she took her anger out on that. I literally forgot about this song until one day I heard it in my junior year literature class and had major deja vu. Okay anyways I love this song LMAO my favorite part is the chorus “that’s when she said I don’t hate you boy I just want to save you while there’s still something left to save. That’s when I told her I love you girl but I’m not the answer for the questions that you still have WOAH OH OH WOAH OH OHHH”

14. National Anthem - DE’WAYNE: okay THIS SONG it’s so good and it describes what it’s like growing up in America as a POC. I don’t wanna say too much about it since I’m not a POC so I know I will never fully understand the song because of my privilege but I appreciate the fuck out of this. I love the entire song I don’t have a favorite lyric

15. Your Love - Nicki Minaj: I miss this Nicki Minaj. UM not much to say about this song either??? It’s a good song and I like it?! My favorite part is the chorus OH and the outro I love it

16. Just Dance - Lady Gaga: another pop classic from my childhood alright I MEAN ITS JUST DANCE?! HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE THIS SONG??? ALSO THIS LADY GAGA?! Don’t get me wrong I love the lady Gaga we have now BUT THIS ONE WILL ALWAYS BE ASSOCIATED WITH MY CHILDHOOD AND PRETEEN YEARS. I remember feeling like a badass singing this song when I was 10 years old LMAO I don’t have a favorite lyric I love the whole thing it’s a bop

17. Dear Patience - Niall Horan: Oh!! One of my favorites from Heartbreak Weather. His voice in this song is just so beautiful ugh yes. I absolutely love the chorus of this. My favorite lyric is “feels like you don’t even know me just me and the stars can get lonely”

18. San Francisco - 5sos: OH MY GOD I LOVE THIS SONG ITS IN MY TOP 3 FROM SOUNDS GOOD FEELS GOOD. I hardly see anyone appreciate this song so I’m here to tell y’all: ITS A GOOD SONG?!?! have y’all listened to the live version AS WELL!!!! masterpiece. This song makes me happy especially the guitar at the beginning. My favorite lyric is “reminds me of when we were free I swear that it’s still haunting me” BUT! I do love that pre-chorus

19. They All Float - Waterparks: NICE a song from their first EP okay but I love this song it’s much heavier compared to what they sing now and that’s what I like about it. My favorite part is THE BRIDGE!!! “this is the part where you cut your losses this is the part where you get a job this is the part where you settle for less just like you never wanted to”

20. We made it finally Adrenaline - Simple Creatures: OH MY GOD THIS SONG LISTEN this is the first song I listened to from this band (which btw if y’all didn’t know is made up of Alex Gaskarth from ATL and Mark Hoppus from Blink-182) I mean while it’s more pop (which is what their intention is) ITS STILL A GOOD BAND!!! ESPECIALLY THIS SONG!! ITS SO GOOD DAMN I love the music video omfg. I’m just a sucker for dance choreography since I grew up surrounded by dance (I did competitive dance for a couple of years and my sister was a competitive dancer until she graduated) okay enough about me this song is so damn good I can’t stop saying that alright! My favorite lyric “I think we’re failin to connect you don’t what you do to me do to me do to me” and I LOVE THE CHORUS

This was fun!!! And it took me forever LMAO I’m not tagging 10 people but I’ll tag some

@louhazzabeingloudandloud @28-oops-hi @devilatmydoor @glitter-cal and anyone else who wants to do this!! 💜

#tag games #mutuals 💜#long post

11 notes · View notes

jaypelt · 4 years

Text

Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships. The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

#this is probably littered with mistakes and things that didn't need to be there #Like the sheer amount of context provided for how poorly I was doing #But too late to change things now!#My brain hurts too much to bother proofreading #So take this raw and unfiltered thing and do what you will with it #Or don't #It's a rough read #Don't push yourself through it if you can't #Or simply don't want to #long post

3 notes · View notes

thegeminisage · 4 years

Note

5 headcanons for Arthur, Merlin, Morgana, and Gwen

ANON I LOVE YOU thank u

im doing these in reverse order bc i wanna save the best 4 last

GWEN:

i think she genuinely enjoys taking care of people. it’s a role she’s forced into a lot - she takes care of her dad, elyan, morgana, uther, even merlin and arthur once in awhile, even HUNITH - but i think she’s the kind of person who finds genuine fulfillment in doing that kind of thing (she picked FLOWERS for morgana just because), and if she hadn’t been the blacksmith’s daughter she would have made a fine apprentice to gaius herself

she’s a better rider than you. and arthur. and elyan. and morgana. and everybody

we never hear word one about gwen’s mom but i like to imagine she died just before gwen and morgana met (which i’m assuming happened shortly after morgana came to camelot) - and gwen, who had just lost a mother, could easily sympathize with morgana, who had just lost a father and was somewhere new and unfamiliar - and that’s why they became such fast friends

gwen is probably a few years older than morgana - i like to think she was morgana’s maidservant from the start, but i don’t think they would have let her be a maidservant to the king’s ward at age 10, so maybe she’s 3ish years older - not so much older she strays into big sister territory, but old enough to do the job required of her

nobody among the knights/guards really knew what to make of gwen or arthur’s feelings for gwen because she’s ??? just a serving girl ??? like they didn’t dislike her exactly and they respected arthur’s choice for the most part but they also didn’t know anything about her and couldn’t see why the fuck arthur would make such a stir over her when it would be so much easier not to. this changes 100% after gwen’s shenanigans with smuggling leon out of camelot; leon comes back singing her praises like ok ok i GET HER now y’all ain’t gonna believe how she got me outta that cell and on leon’s word (and because she’s elyan’s brother and he’s a knight now too) everybody else warms up to her too

MORGANA:

this is practically canon but she’s a lesbian, obviously. gwen was the first girl she had a crush on

this isn’t a headcanon exactly but i wish bbc merlin had had a better budget because you know who deserved a black cat familiar? morgana. like, aithusa made a wonderful foil to merlin’s relationship w/ kilgarrah and i would not wish aithusa’s fate on any creature let alone some poor innocent cat, but also, the IMAGERY...it could have been so good

this is also sort of canon but i think she dresses expressively, hence the goth look after she goes evil. @dellesayah & i joke about her “evil girl eyeliner” in season 3 but honestly look the way the girl wears 100% black in s4 and s5 i think the eyeliner was her own private expression of her inner angry goth post-poisoning when she still had to be wearing those colorful dresses to fool everybody into thinking she was the same good girl morgana in s3

same age as arthur. idk why most fics have her being older - tho i admit her being older but still not being able to inherit the crown is a VALID source of her rage - but if she was born w/ magic is makes the most sense for her to have been born after the purge started, aka after arthur. i guess it depends on when you think uther cheated on his wife lol. but i never really thought of morgana and arthur as having like an older/younger sibling thing - to me they were more like twins, so definitely within a year of his age, whether it’s slightly older or younger depends on how you feel that day i guess

wintertime birthday. i think arthur has a summertime birthday (more on that below) so it makes her a nice balance to him in that way

MERLIN:

the Most doting son ever. i imagine he had a few difficult teenage years (being a warlock and all) and that he still gets himself into trouble out of sheer stupidity sometimes but aside from that he was probably really well-behaved for the most part just because he didn’t wanna make his mama sad

autumn birthday, since we went there with morgana (to complete the quad in Balance, gwen’s would definitely have to be in the spring)

ok i know colin morgan had to like put on a nice “proper” english accent for the show because katie mcgrath didn’t have one but in my heart merlin sounds like a HICK (whatever the ye olde englishe/modern british version of hick sounds like, he’s it) and his accent only gets worse for all the time they’re at ealdor. like arthur THOUGHT it was bad he probably picked on merlin about it all the time but he had NO IDEA how bad it gets! none! and EVERYBODY in ealdor sounds like that except somehow EVEN WORSE! gwen and morgana think it’s UTTERLY charming but arthur is SO GLAD to get back to camelot and away from all that nonsense! and so then ok when they meet balinor in s2 (who speaks like a normal human being) he listens to merlin talk for 5 minutes and IMMEDIATELY knows exactly where the fuck he’s from. #hicksrepresent

merlin SAYS and BELIEVES he understands magic should only be used for great deeds blah blah blah but when he gets overworked and short on time, yeah, that armor’s gonna be polishing itself while he works on 4 other things at once - he just gets better at not being caught. it’s a great deed to keep arthur’s armor in peak condition, right? arthur says he’s a terrible servant but actually being magically aided he winds up being like...really good at his job, once he gets into the swing of it. he’s just fucking insubordinate always 24/7

*** ****** no i will not be taking constructive criticism

ARTHUR:

he knew they lied to him in 2.08. he always knew. canon evidence supports this in 4.03 he says “i lost both my parents to magic” listen to me he ALWAYS KNEW!!!

canon also semi-supports a summertime birthday - i read somewhere once that they made it a point to only show camelot in spring thru early fall so they didn’t have to explain why there wasn’t snow on the ground. arthur’s coming of age ceremony (which i assumed either followed or preceeded his birthday) was in the middle of season 1, which would have been mid or late summer, hence: arthur is a summer baby.

i really like the gay!arthur headcanon but i also think he and gwen have incredible chemistry and i really like their relationship so like...maybe gay with one genuine exception. also that boy EMBODIES internalized homophobia :( poor lad

fond of DOGS and sometimes HORSES but refuses to show it because that’s not very manly of him. he’s too into hunting to truly be an Animal Person but since you don’t hunt dogs or horses generally he has a very very secret soft spot

the writers didnt do this on purpose but in my heart i believe the reason he was willing to risk SO much to save mordred in 1.08 was because of what he did to that druid camp from 4.10......like at first yeah he tries to be hard-hearted about it & just do his fuckin job but i think once his conscience was tripped he couldn’t stand to see a druid kid die again under his watch for no good reason. he’d’ve never agreed otherwise, not even for a kid. he wouldn’t have ratted morgana out but he wouldn’t have helped her either

(send me a character & i’ll give you 5 headcanons)

#personal #liz answers asks #ask memes #merlin blogging #bbc merlin #long post

16 notes · View notes

flwrcrwnbncr · 5 years

Text

Best Non-Studio Hanson Tracks

(In no particular order)

Troublemaker - Billboard’s Mashup Mondays Sessions // This is definitely a favorite. It sounds nothing like the original and I think that’s a good thing? I like the original, don’t get me wrong, but this is like a whole different song and I love that fact so much. Go in with an open mind, there are some... interesting, I think is a good word. Interesting lyric changes, but it’s not enough to ruin the song.

Kiss Me When You Come Home - Tay’s Music Exchange // This song was one of my favorites already, but this version is so much closer to the way I remember hearing the song at the Stand Up, Stand Up EP recording. It’s a little bit more calming than the studio version, but doesn’t sacrifice the wonderful piano solo in the process of stripping it down.

Hey - Underneath Acoustic // Why is this not on YouTube????? This is far superior to the album version, even if you only base it off that bit with the jump to a higher note near the end that ISN’T INCLUDED IN THE STUDIO VERSION, WHAT WERE YOU THINKING HANSON?????

Strong Enough To Break - Strong Enough To Break // This one took some thought, I almost equally love the Underneath Acoustic version. The deciding factor was that this version showcases their voices just that much more. There’s something about the more stripped down sound it has, as well as the abrupt ending, that resonates with me in a way other versions of this song don’t.

Runaway Run - Chicago, IL 10-13-2013 // I’m so bummed that I didn’t have the chance to experience this one in person, but thanks to some amazing fans, it’s available to listen to on YouTube. This is the best version of this song, in my opinion. It’s got all the beauty of the Underneath Acoustic Live version, but somehow it’s better? I’m a sucker for songs that showcase Tay’s piano playing and this is an amazing example of why.

Gimme Some Lovin’/Shake A Tail Feather - Live From Albertane // Hanson are the kings of good opening songs, and this is a top tier example. The way they manage to amp up the crowd, the adlibs, and the way they manage to make the two songs work so well together, get me every time. Also, I challenge any fan to listen and not say the “It is great to be here in Seattle” bit along with Taylor.

Rock ‘n’ Roll Razorblade - The Best Of Hanson: Live & Electric // I’m still bummed this song never made it onto one of their main studio albums but this version makes up for a lot. The piano breakdown is something I didn’t know I needed until I heard it, and Taylor whining his way through the adlibs gives me a very specific brand of life.

Something Going Round - Anthem: Live In New York // Okay I love every single live version of this song I’ve ever heard but this is a standout. Not only are the boys completely on point (Zac’s drumming makes me so hyped up I want to take on world hunger by myself), the audience gives 110% when it’s their turn to sing. I blast this song in the car and hope people hear it and wonder “Who is this band that has such a cool fanbase?”

Thinking Of You - 5 Of 5 // This song has stood the test of time, and this version just shows how their voices dropping was the exact opposite of the problem critics were predicting way back when. This one shows that you don’t need to change a song to make it just as good 13 years after release.

Me Myself And I - String Theory // This song was amazing to begin with (if you don’t believe me, @changecanbebittersweet has talked about it already), but this version is even better. First of all, the fact that they re-recorded the vocals so it’s split between all three brothers, adds depth I wasn’t expecting. Additionally, the song’s pacing is better. While I loved it originally, having the same vocalist sing so many verses made it feel longer; this version just *feels* like a perfect length. Secondly, this song feels like it was written to have the orchestra and somehow it was released as a demo by mistake on Shout It Out. The strings are just so flawlessly integrated it makes you wonder why you didn’t realize it needed strings in the first place.

On The Rocks - The Walk Acoustic Live // I had a discussion once about this song, and without my prompting, the other person made the comment of this being the superior version. I had been nagging people about that opinion for a long time prior to that conversation and I’m still thrilled someone else gets the perfection of this track. There’s just something about how Zac sings “We’re gonna fight” that gives me chills every single time I hear it.

Use Me Up - Stand Up, Stand Up EP // I’ve had so many conversations about why I only listen to this version and they all boil down to two things: 1) the simplicity makes the song and 2) there’s one tiny little lyric change that ended up happening in the Shout It Out version that changed how the song hits and I refuse to give up this version.

Dirrty - Underneath Acoustic 2003 Tour // I don’t have anything to say about this except that it’s fucking hot and I would pay so much money to hear a full version of it.

Thinking ‘bout Somethin’ - ABC Greatest Hits // This one is perfect ‘cause Echosmith brought something to the table that I didn’t even realize was needed until I heard it. Also the video is adorable, Sydney of Echosmith just seems so happy to be playing with Hanson and I love it.

Hold On I’m Coming - National Post Music // While I’m sad that Zac wasn’t able to sing as much for this performance, the other boys doing his parts ended up sounding amazing. Also, I’m a sucker for the little interaction between Zac and Tay when Tay hits that high note.

Summertime Blues - Japan // This is amazing but I think I’d rather use this space to talk about how funny I find it that they sang this (very American, omg the lyrics are about the struggle of American teenagers) song for something recorded in Japan????? Why, Hanson?????

Lost Without You - Anthem: Live In New York // This song puts me in a very indescribable mindset, and I think part of what I love about this version is that the ending pulls me back to reality in the best way possible. The “I could be the one that you’re holding on to” outro just makes this version for me.

Where’s The Love - String Theory // Holy harmonies, Batman. As @tragic---love said, this song got the best glow up of all the songs from this album. I also think this falls into the same category as Thinking Of You for “songs that have stood the test of time”; this version takes a song that’s still amazing, and somehow makes it BETTER.

Waiting For This - Stand Up, Stand Up EP // I’m not sure why I prefer this version to the Shout It Out version, but I do. Maybe it’s the energy? I think this one feels more positive than the studio version? I’m not sure but I listen to this one almost exclusively. I also say the “You can’t deny it until you try it” bit every time I hear any version of it, you can pry those lyrics from my cold, dead hands.

Cecilia - Albany, NY 10-16-2009 // Even with almost the entire tour being sick with the flu, this performance was amazing. I had the good fortune of being at this show (the linked video is my footage), and I still listen to this one a lot. I’m realizing as I read this back to edit it, I’m Team Hanson Singing Older Folk Songs.

Teach Your Children - Underneath Acoustic Live // There’s something about the harmonies in the second verse that gives me chills every single time I hear this song. There’s also the added personal bit where this is the song that turned my mother into a fan.

Underneath - Underneath Acoustic // WHY DID THEY DITCH THE HARMONICA ON THE STUDIO VERSION?????????????? I literally can’t stand the studio version, but this version is one of my favorite Hanson songs of all time. I also need to draw attention to how amazing they sound when they sing “something missing”, it’s like I’m in the horrible relationship, they sing it with so much emotion.

Rip It Up - Underneath Acoustic Live // I need more Ike singing old school rock ‘n’ roll more often, this song is a blessing and I’m grateful for it on the daily.

Breaktown - Leaked Demo // I have talked about this before, but I’ll forever be bitter that this wasn’t released with Underneath, Taylor’s voice was absolutely perfect for it at that point and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to this one over the years.

Madeline - Middle Of Nowhere Acoustic // There’s a place in my heart reserved only for the ending “woah”s of this song, and getting to hear them in the stripped down, more mature, version made me so happy. This song was so well written to begin with, and they make it even better when they play it acoustically, and this performance is the best example of that fact.

Save Me - Anthem: Live In New York // I love the piano driven sound of this track, and this performance just emphasized that part of it. I also love the “yeah” that Tay adds after the second “yes I’m wrong” for some reason, catch me singing it passionately alone in my room at 3 am.

Crazy Beautiful - Underneath Acoustic Live // #BringBackThisVersionOfCrazyBeautifulNextTour

Good Lovin’ - Jack Frost Soundtrack // I have heard other bands cover this song and every time it pales in comparison to this performance. It’s short but it never feels short? And I end up in such a good mood after listening to it.

Magic Carpet Ride - At The Fillmore // I remember coming across more recent performances of them doing this song and I’m forever disappointed ‘cause this recording just had something about it that they haven’t recaptured on recent tours. If you watch the video, there’s a girl in a white tank top, going balls-to-the-wall throughout the whole song, and I just relate so much.

With You In Your Dreams - 5 Of 5 // When Taylor talked about how they pictured this song with a choir, I was skeptical at first but holy crap the audience vocals just make it that much better. I also get chills when Zac yells “Like you mean it!” every damn time.

#hanson #isaac hanson #taylor hanson #zac hanson

33 notes · View notes

stateofgrace-acoustic · 5 years

Text

lover - first song ranking & thoughts

first of all i just need to say i legitimately don’t feel ‘meh’ about a single song on this album. on any other album. i always had one or two songs i was just kind of ‘take it or leave it’ about. but Lover really did that - they’re all amazing and wonderful. but here’s an attempt at an order of how much i love them!

18. it’s nice to have a friend

this really reminds me of you are in love in the way it recounts all the small gestures and steps involved in becoming close to somebody. it’s really cute and at the perfect space on the album, leading to daylight. not a mindblowing song or anything, but the vibe fits onto lover really well. i’m glad that it’s here

17. you need to calm down

yeah, i cooled down on this one a little bit. it’s fun and the message is important, but me! is the better single tbh. still though, the feeling of empowerment this gives me over my nonexistent online haters is wonderful. and i love the attitude of the song of just looking at the assholes who live their entire lives putting energy into hating people and just being like....why are you like this. it’s pathetic. calm the hell down. so needed in our current debate culture

16. me!

a real grower! taylor and brendon urie have such good chemistry, tbh that’s really the backbone of the song. it’s just a really nice carefree spring/summertime self love song, a perfect soundtrack for when you feel happy and content with yourself.

15. the man

just dropping the complete truth on us with this one. i’ve wanted taylor to make this song for years (and i know she said she’s been wanting to but just never found the right words!) the bridge really elevates this too. and it’s sad how relatable the entire song is in literally every aspect of professional (and personal) life for women. i don’t think it’s quite as strong as it could have been, but still really solid

14. i think he knows

this is like the fun version of dress. that’s all i got to say. just as explicit, but this time around it’s super cheeky and i love it. also goals of self confidence if i’ve ever seen them

13. paper rings

the joyful energy this has!! just makes you smile and want to dance immediately, a wonderful wholesome happy bop

12. false god

listen.....this is special. i absolutely think this is the most experimental song on the album, both in terms of the music (is that a saxophone in the bg?? it’s almost got a jazzy vibe? completely uncomparable to anything she’s ever done and still so distinctly Taylor), but also with the lyrics, where she goes into the love = religion theme which honestly....as a Florence + the Machine and Hozier fan, i don’t even need to go into how much of a vibe that is. I couldn’t have imagined it working so well for Taylor though, but honestly, this song feels perfectly brooding, summertimey, melancholy, - it’s almost like taking the darker underside of Cruel Summer and exploring it in depth! this is very much a song i need to be in a Specific Mood to really appreciate, but it’s damn well made

11. afterglow

i love the maturity of this. not just the apologizing for picking a fight, but explaining how it came to be - at the end, from a place deep seated anxiety. ‘it’s all me, in my head’ (those high notes are beautiful) you can really feel how sorry she is. at the same time, the song sounds like something bigger, like an anthem - almost like that place high above that she’s trying to elevate them to.

10. i forgot that you existed

SO MUCH FUN i keep repeating that but that’s just the mood of this album tbh, playful and mature at the same time. this song is just like, when you’re over someone but you just can’t help yourself and have to throw shade one last time before moving on. i love the bouncy beat!!

9. lover

this song is literally the feeling of ‘home’ in music. so cozy, comfortable, blissful. dreamy. perfect title track. also completely timeless - i think this is one of those songs that we will look back on in years as a classic in her catalogue, a song you will always want to play again

8. the archer

this was my definite favorite of the pre released songs. anxiety, doubts, the way they all just keep coming back and eating at you, it’s described so perfectly and painfully. and the production really makes it sound like you’re in a separate space from reality, just stuck in your head trying to find a way forward, to soothe yourself. the ‘they see right through me / i see right through me’ transition in the bridge is fantastic and keeps giving me chills. so much personal connection to this one

7. soon you’ll get better

feels weird to even rank this but......just wow. the harmonies with the dixie chicks are so beautiful, and the way the lyrics talk about the feeling between denial and desperate hope, the transition from “because you have to” to “because I have to” - I have to cling to this hope, or i won’t make i - it completely broke my heart. and the fact that Taylor can conjure all these complex emotions with just a guitar and a few words is incredible. i’m so so sorry for them and i wish all the best for Andrea with my entire heart.

6. london boy

i already see people underappreciating this, what is going on??? there are multiple cute bouncy joyful songs on this album but this is my favorite because it’s just got a fantastic flow and melody, and i love all of the references to places and dialect specific words and it’s just so wholesome?? but what really makes this is (once again) the bridge. stick with ME im your QUEEN like a tennessEE stella mccartNEY, just the energy!! the fun!! excuse me while i listen to this every day for the rest of my life

5. miss americana & the heartbreak prince

okay, taylor’s brain in this one. i made a post talking about how this song has three layers - at first there’s the high school setting, then it references the ‘cancelling’ of Taylor’s public persona, but then it can also be seen as a comment on US politics and the whole climate of society right now. and it’s all tied together perfectly because high school is the perfect metaphor for this!! she’s basically saying we’re all behaving like immature school children, bullying each other for the stupidest reasons, mob mentality, stupid contests, fabricated stories made up to tear people down, and the feeling of loneliness but also fear and horror that comes with all that for the people who are the victims of it.....it’s literally all like high school in the worst way. i just love this concept, and the melody and production give me a little bit of a reputation vibe almost? which is perfect for the song, the dark dramatic vibe shows the feeling of fear most of all and that’s just....too real.

4. death by a thousand cuts

........listen, i surely didn’t think that Taylor would write one of her best breakup songs in the year of our lord 2019, but here we are. it’s once again, the small moments she recounts. taking the long way home. the uncertainty if it will ever be fine again. and the bridge/second verse / whatever that part is but that entire part. ‘paper cuts from my paper thin plans’, excuse me. the fact that she wrote this about a movie where a couple breaks up after years really shows tbh, because it’s especially that kind of....not being able to find a part of yourself that isn’t influenced by the other person, that’s so horrible and makes moving on so painful. i also love the production which makes this sound so uptempo, contrasting the lyrics! idk the entire song just clicks into place for me

3. daylight

this is like a summary of the entire album (and with the reference to the past and especially red, it’s even connecting her entire discography together). it’s like the clean of this album, except this time around it feels more complex - all the subtle references to past mistakes, ghosts, that might not be so easy to wash away. i’ve already mentioned that i love about the album (and this song especially) how it doesn’t gloss over negative experiences but addresses them directly, like looking them in the eye and then saying ‘you don’t have the power to define me’. that’s what this song feels like - it’s not unabashedly celebratory, it’s actually quite melancholic, but also full of real healing, a feeling of peace and reconciliation. and the ‘i once believed love would be black and white / burning red, but it’s golden’.....excuse me.....how dare she

2. cornelia street

god, what a magical song. the kind of episodic buildup that Taylor excels at. the vibrancy of the production matching the vibrancy of the relationship as it develops, revolving around this one place in its multiple stages, and then the repeated, deep seated fear of losing all that. it’s just. ugh. what can i even say. and so so catchy. the “listen..” killed me. just like delicate, the vibe between fear and being drunk on happiness is so so well done.

1. cruel summer

oh yes. and here we have an absolute perfection of a pop song. incredible catchiness. smart, clever lyrics but also that underlying vibe of sadness and anxiety. seriously, the complexity this has?? and then that soaring bridge, the chaotic but beautiful but painful reality of all of it coming together. ‘i love you, ain’t that the worst thing you ever heard?’ idk this song just transcends everything for me friends. it’s like the vibe of out of the woods or maybe even style but the lyrics are even more sharp, they cut a little deeper, literally ‘summer’s a knife’. this is a song she only could’ve written influenced by reputation: there’s happiness but there’s that edge in it too. idk if anything i’m saying makes sense. i love this song so so so much.

#lover #taylor swift #vanessa talks #lowkey an album review lmao

3 notes · View notes

surveys-at-your-service · 3 years

Text

Survey #338

“i can’t decide if you’re wearing me out, or wearing me well”

Are you a fan of techno? I've gotten more into it lately, actually. I've never minded it. Who’s your favorite horror movie villain/monster? Pyramid Head, though he's called Red Pyramid Thing in the movies. Do you have a favorite muscle car? Nah. I'm not big into cars. What would be a total deal-breaker for you, relationship-wise? You so much as lift your hand at me, bye, motherfucker. Would you consider yourself to be accepting of others? Yes, but not as much as I used to be. There are certain opinions I just don't tolerate in people anymore; I feel like by staying associated with people whose views invalidate or in any way harm others (racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.), you're on the side of evil as well, even if indirectly. However, I genuinely do feel I have a wide range of viewpoints I'm willing to accept in others, even if I don't agree with them. Are you flirtatious? No. I think I'm only capable of flirting with someone I'm already with and very comfortable around. I'd feel way too shy and awkward otherwise. Have you ever just felt "drawn" to someone, but you didn’t know why? "Didn't know why," no. I've felt drawn to people with good reason, like if I was romantically interested in them. Is there anyone you currently want to reach out to? There's a number, honestly. Especially with the aid of therapy, I'm being motivated to strengthen bonds with old friends and/or acquaintances via Facebook. Freddy or Jason? I think Jason is scarier. Freddy tends to come across as cheesy for me. Have stickers or gems on your cell phone? Nah. Ever teased your hair? Bitch I damn well tried in high school because I wanted the ~ l e g i t ~ emo hair, but mine was just too heavy to hold, at least with the hairspray my sister had. Have any friends with benefits? Nah, that's never been my thing. Ever lost of bunch of valuable information? Ummm I don't believe so. I've lost massive RP posts before, but I can't really call those "valuable information." What drinks or food make you hyper? None, really. Most expensive thing you ever bought? With my own money, my snake. She's a champagne morph ball python. What type of toothpaste do you use? Crest. How much time to spend putting on makeup daily? Zero. When listening to a song, what do you listen for (lyrics, bass, beat, ect)? The beat, more than anything else. What is the color of your toothbrush? It's a white electric one. What is your favorite color(s) of eye-makeup? Black. Just black. Are you sexually active? I'm not. Do you have sensitive skin? Very. Are you attracted to several guys atm? I'm actually not attracted to any guys in my personal life atm. How many toilets are in your house? Two. Do you have an older sister? Excluding the one I don't know, I have three older sisters. Favorite song by Owl City? Probably "Hot Air Balloon," but I don't know many at all. What color is your mum’s car? White. Do you truly understand the (LDS) Mormon religion? I don't know what "LDS" means, but as my former best friend developed into a Mormon, I learned some stuff from her in her self-discovery. I don't remember a lot of it, not that I knew all that much in the first place. Where do you keep your kitty litter box? Ugh, Mom's unmovable about it being in my fucking room for some reason. And we have an extra goddamn room no one uses yet. Roman's shit STINKS, like we think something might actually be wrong, but nope, it has to stay in here. e_e It would literally inconvenience nobody if we moved it in the spare room. Are you a lighter complexion than your father? MUCH lighter. He's very tan. Do you like apricots? No. Solid soap bar or liquid body wash? 100% body wash. Bar soap slips so easily, and as someone who lives with another person, I'm not rubbing my body with the same bar my mother uses, no offense to her. Sharing it's just gross. Where do you live (country or state)? Shitty 'ole North Carolina. Do you use plastic, wooden, or wire hangers? I think we have a mix of them, actually. What is your favorite shade of yellow? I only like pastel yellow. Otherwise, it's one of my least favorite colors. Are there any shades of blue that you don’t like? If so, which ones? Ehhh not really. What is something you want to accomplish before you turn 30? God, can I please have a stable career by then. Who has the best decorated house in your town? I don't know. We live in a cul de sac community thing where it's just houses next to houses, so there's a lot to choose from. I don't pay attention to them. What is your favorite part of Halloween? The decorations. Do you feel a connection to the moon? "As above, so below," as the saying goes. What does your heart long for? Peace and contentness with myself. Did you decorate a pumpkin this year? Last year, I didn't. I do want to this year, though, if I can just think of a really good idea. I have to be motivated. What are some fall activities you would do with your kids? I'm not having kids, but I'll follow along, hypothetically. With how much joy Halloween brought me as a kid, I'd want to do SO much as a family with them. Homemade decorations, carving or painting pumpkins together, and hell yeah I'd be taking them trick-or-treating once I felt they were ready and they wanted to. I'd be one of those parents that probably spends too much on whatever costumes they want, haha... Oh, and then besides Halloween, I'd certainly rake leaf piles together for them to jump and play in. This question has brought to mind like ONE thing I could enjoy as a parent, haha. Have you ever seen a fox? I have; besides in a zoo setting, I've seen one or two in the wild run out of sight, and I also found one poor fellow as roadkill that had been disemboweled by I'm assuming vultures. With my whole roadkill photography thing, I literally almost kneeled into a strand of intestines I didn't see at first. :x What color are the squirrels where you live? We only have brown ones. Is there anything about Halloween you find offensive? lol no What do the trees look like where you live? Lots, and lots, and LOTS of pine trees... There are others, but I'm not well-informed on tree species and such. Oh, then of course there are dogwoods (our "state tree"), which are unmistakable because they smell like fucking manure. What is your dream vacation? Maybe the mountains on the western side of NC during the fall... ugh, that would be breathtaking. We actually have an abandoned The Wizard of Oz-themed park around there that allows tours at certain times of the year, and I'd love to visit and photograph there. As well, western NC has the zoo, which would be spectacular to visit with autumn weather and, once again, load up on photos. Did you like field trips when you were a kid? I LOVED field trips. Do you find museums boring or interesting? Very interesting! Would you ever wear a shirt with your country’s flag on it? No. I'm not patriotic enough at all for that. What’s a medicine that makes you sleepy? Historically, larger doses of Klonopin can knock me the fuck out. Do you like bath bombs? Never used one, because I don't do baths. Who are your favorite small YouTubers? I'm going to guesstimate you mean less than 1M subs as "small," because I really don't know what you consider to fit that description. I watch a lot of people with less than 1M, so it's hard to say, but lately it's probably been a let's player John Wolfe. He's really funny. Then there's some tarantula YouTubers, along with the animal educator Emzotic... and really just many others. I think most of the people I watch actually have sub-1M, but more than 500k. Who are your favorite big YouTubers? Markiplier is absolutely, positively #1. I also really enjoy Snake Discovery, GameGrumps, Jeffree Star (don't judge me ok, he's a fuckin hoot), and while I haven't watched them in years, Good Mythical Morning will ALWAYS be deeply, deeeeply embedded in my heart. What was your favorite girl group when you were growing up? Ummm probably the Spice Girls? Have you ever used an outhouse? Ugh, yes, at old childhood sports games. What was the last good cause you donated towards? When I cut off like 8+ inches of hair to accomplish the style I have now, I donated it to Children With Hair Loss. My hair has always been mega-thick and healthy, so why in the world waste it? One of my most cherished items is the certificate I got in return many months later that my donation had been used. Have any of your exes gotten married or had kids since your breakup? I haven't had contact with Juan in many years, don't know what Tyler's up to either, and I haven't spoken to Jason since 2017, so. I'm very doubtful he's married or has kids yet, though, just knowing him and how "I need to be fully prepared for this" he is with big life stuff like that. Does it bother you when people get super emotional? Not at all. I'll do my all to comfort them. Have you ever worked in a restaurant? No. Do you get a lot of thunderstorms where you live? Depends on the time of year. Summertime? Brief but super intense thunderstorms every late afternoon. What was the last drive-thru you went through? Taco Bell w/ Mom. Do you know anyone who claims they can see/feel spirits or other supernatural ‘things?’ No. Do either of your parents have a mental illness? My mom has depression, and Mom is also convinced Dad has either depression masked as anger and/or bipolarity, but following the divorce, I don't see it in him at all. He's never seen a doctor in that field to be diagnosed with any mental illness. What fun things are there to do where you live? Jackshit. Do you know anyone with a really poorly-trained dog? Mother of fucking god, yes. My little sister lives with her best friend, and said friend has a colossal black lab named Hudson that is absolutely uncontrollable because she neglects the shit out of him. Won't listen to you even if it saved his life. He jumps on you, barks endlessly, and if he escapes the house? Good fucking luck getting him inside. She has absolutely no right to own a dog with how shitty of an owner she honestly is. When you were growing up, did your family rent or own your home? They owned it. The idiots who were moving in after us accidentally burnt the place to a fucking crisp, and my parents were SO not happy to lose that house because people were dumb enough to place boxes atop the goddamn stove. Do you do meal-prepping? No. Do you know anyone who got preggo less than a year into their relationship? Multiple people, not that that's my business. What did you dream about last night? I don't remember it clearly, other than I was with Jason and his mother was also present. What's the biggest age difference you've ever had in a relationship? That would have been with Juan, but I don't remember exactly how old he was. I just know I was a freshman and him a senior that got held back a year or so in HS. If you could save one animal from ever becoming extinct, what animal would you pick? Probably bees, given how vital they are. Name the coolest thing about one of your grandparents. My maternal grandmother worked at Disney World. I can't remember what her position was, though. Do you ever eat peanut butter straight from the jar? If I want a healthy snack, sometimes I'll have a scoop. Do you prefer your clothes loose or close fitting? They need to be loose. Favorite thing you’ve ever painted? This big painting of meerkats grooming on burlap I did in high school. Do you always wear a bra? I question the self-love of anyone who can sleep with a bra on. ;__; Do you normally finish one book before starting another? Oh yes, I can't read more than one at a time. Do you prefer reading books, comic books, manga/graphic novels, magazines, or the newspaper? The normal book. Do you know how to play chess? I don't. Are you watching anything? No, but I do have Manson's "Third Day of a Seven Day Binge" on in another tab. What is your blood type? A-. Has anyone ever borrowed something from you and never returned it? Yes. Do you twitch when you're falling asleep? Dude, I more than "twitch." I can just suddenly spaz out and look like I'm seizing for a moment. Another side effect of my nightmare suppressant medication. Are any of your pets “overweight”? No. Has anyone ever bought you a ring? My mom has bought me a few, and Jason gave me one for one of our anniversaries. Where was the last place you took a bath/shower, other than your own house? My sister's place. What first attracted you to the last person you kissed? Just how unique and happy that way she is. And her pretty much undying loyalty. Has someone ever taken a pic of you while you were making out with someone? No, considering I wouldn't go that far with someone unless we were alone. Had a crush on someone you thought shared your sexuality, turns out didn’t? Yes. What’s your favorite color to wear? Black. Does it gross you out if a guy has hair on his chest? I personally don't find an excess of it attractive, but it doesn't "gross me out." If they bathe themselves just like everyone else, why should it? Do you think sexuality is a choice or not? It is absolutely not a choice. If it was, I'd assume most people would choose to be straight, given phobias, hatecrimes, etc... I could write an essay on this. Do you like industrial piercings? Yeah. Do you think stretched ears are disgusting? "Disgusting" is, once again, the wrong word. Gauges don't really gross me out - hell, I want tiny ones -, but they can reach a size that, to me, is not visually appealing. Did you watch animated Barbie movies when you were little? I do remember loving Princess and the Pauper as well as the Rapunzel one; my sister was addicted to them. Oh yeah! Then there was the Swan Lake one that she adored, too. We usually watched movies together. Do you like fruit in your cereal? Big No. Do you like raw vegetables? Ugh, no. Do you listen to A Day to Remember? I do! They're on my list of faves. Do you like funnel cake? I actually don't. Have you ever been with someone while they were getting a tattoo? Yuh.

#survey #surveys #questions #lyrics: ''third day of a seven day binge'' by marilyn manson

4 notes · View notes