4damien

[4damien]

Hi all!

Find me on tiktok

@4.damien!

Im super active on it and have cool stuffs

[4damien]

How you've been doing lately?

Pretty depressed lately but pushing through. Got engaged, got a degree (waiting for September for master’s school). Life’s looking up, just fighting for those happy chemicals, lol.

[4damien]

What is the meaning of life?

To answer that question.

[4damien]

NON-BINARY DO NOT HAVE TO USE ‘They/Them’ PRONOUNS!

I am gender fluid, I feel more masculine than feminine. Guess what pronouns I use?

She/ her

There are no rules. Do as you please.

#lgbt #girl #trans #gender #fluid #pronouns #he #him #she #her #they #them #hir #zir

[4damien]

I’m not an old school Disney Princess

My boyfriend and I both got a pretty bad cold. On Tuesday he decided to take off because he felt so sick he couldn’t work. I happened to not be needed at work so we relaxed all day and recover.

He kept pestering me for sex 😑.

Bro. I’m SICK. I haven’t been able to sleep well for three days. My body is getting its ass kicked by the tiniest speck 🦠.

‘Oh come on, I’m sick and tired too.’

THEN FUCK OFF.

The day after (Wednesday) he got home from work and learned he didn’t have work the next day (today/ Thursday).

So Wednesday I feel mostly better and decided to get myself all girly and lay down in bed when his mom (whom we live with) leaves (as she does every night). He decided to drink and I hint to him that we can have sex later. He gets the hint.

I wait for his mom to leave then go up stairs, light candle, lay on bed, send cute pic, and he says no. He gave me attitude about denying him yesterday, but I just rolled my eyes and blew out the candle and went back downstairs. Rejection for sex is no biggy for me at all.

I was sitting on the couch and he comes up half an hour later (still drunk) and says ‘you’re not even on the bed!’

Bitch.

What.

Did.

You.

Just.

Say.

Did you think I photoshopped those pictures I just took? I WAS ON THE BED.

Did you expect me to still be up there, half an hour later, braiding my hair, singing ‘some day my prince will come’ waiting for you?

Fuck the unrealistic expectations Disney puts on girls. Look what it does to boys.

She’ll wait for you, until you’re good and ready, to rescue her.

Because the story doesn’t start without you, prince. 🙃

Today, Thursday, he gave an umbrella apology saying ‘sorry about last night.’

I said ‘it’s okay because you are sorry.’

He could look me in the eyes.

Hm.

We need to talk.

[4damien]

‘You can’t pour from an empty cup.’

Bitch I don’t even HAVE a cup. Life never GAVE me one. All the ones I try to make have cracks in them and have never held water.

I gave up trying to fill my own cup.

I’ll spend my life helping others fill their own.

#depression #life #sad #depressed

[4damien]

*sees pregnancy tests with baby on cover*

Me- why would you put a baby on the cover?!

Me- *remembers some people actually WANT babies*

Me- oh yeah…

#baby #birth #control

[4damien]

Watching episode two of Altered Carbon and...

This woman wanted to sleep with the main character. She unbuttoned half of his shirt and he said 'That's enough' calmly and she said 'enough? I don't know the meaning of the word' and continued. It's a SciFi, so she explained how she had a pheromone in her saliva that was literally a drug and irresistible. She licked her finger and put it in his mouth, and of course he slept with her.

My boyfriend said, 'Wait, that's not fair, she drugged him!'

I was like 'You're right! She raped him.' GOOD BOYFRIEND. YOU VERY SMART AND HERE IS A COOKIE I LOVE YOU AND GOOD BOI.

#rape #drug #girl #boy #abuse #altered #carbon

[4damien]

Me- Hey, i need air.

Them- Um, actually, everyone needs air.

Me- Well, i am literally drowning and am about to die. Please get me air. I need air right now.

Them- So, you think you are the only one that needs air? Last year, my cousin choked and needed air. Where were you?? Everyone deserves air.

That’s BLM.

Yes, every life DOES matter equally.

But RIGHT NOW, the focus is on black/ brown lives. They are the ones currently drowning.

#blm #black #lives #matter #black lives matter #race #racisim #america

[4damien]

When I was younger I always hated not being able to give good presents. I either didn’t have the money or the means of getting it (transportation to store, no idea what to get, stuff like that).

But now... I get to do this.

And it makes me feel so warm inside. Now I can spoil my grandmother and friends with gifts whenever I want. It makes me feel complete.

#family #gift #mother’s day #mother #mother’s #day #grandparents #grandmother #grandma #flowers #gifts #presents

[4damien]

I remember once...

In middle school, my friend would give me lunch money because my dad stopped giving it to me. He didn't say why, he just said something like 'we can't afford it'. You sat down in the order the line went so she would give me 50 cents to get a milk so I could sit with my friends.

After about a year, my mother finally got Social Security disability. As her dependent, I got money as well for stuff for school. Like lunch. I remember when my parents told me I was going to get money every month, that was the first time I ever teared up from happiness.

I said 'I can finally get lunch since you used my lunch money to buy her (mother's) cigarettes.'

Apparently, that comment started a fight. Later he told me 'that little comment got me in trouble'.

I didn't care.

I finally could have lunch.

#parents #mom #dad #mother #father #lunch #school #food #security

[4damien]

The fact that SO MANY PEOPLE think ‘don’t do a crime, you won’t go to jail! Simple!’ proves why we need BLM and some serious fucking education on the facts about America’s incarceration problem.

People use this to dehumanize inmates and it’s disgusting.

They act like :

False imprisonment

Over imprisonment

Bias against race, religion, color, wealth, and background

Don’t exist.

If you get accused of a crime and you can’t post bail (usually because of lack of money instead of means to get money) you GO TO JAIL UNTIL YOUR TRIAL. This can be MONTHS. Then you STAY IN JAIL during your trial, which can take YEARS. During this time you have no job, so what happens to your house? Car? Family? And if you were the bread earner?? And after all this they can just say ‘oh, we were wrong. Bye.’ Now what? Your job knows you were arrested. Do you think they CARE you were not convicted? Especially with something like rape? Where is your house and car? State and bank have it. You couldn’t post bail you DEFINITELY can’t pay the money to get them back. Your kids? With family or foster system. Good luck starting your life over. ‘Don’t commit a crime, you won’t go to jail!’ Okay. Hope you like it up there on your privileged high horse.

OR. They can find you GUILY of a crime you didn’t commit because you couldn’t afford a lawyer. But, you know, there are NO innocent people in jail 🙄🙄🙄.

‘Oh, just get a loan.’ How are they going to pay it back if they couldn’t even afford the bond in the first place? ‘Oh, they’re not in REAL jail, just with other people waiting on their trials.’ Yeah, black Anthony over here who got arrested for walking while black is now in the same population as white Billy who raped a girl but was ‘just having a bad day, he’s really a very good person’.

Not only that but just because someone committed a crimes does NOT MEAN they are NOT HUMAN FUCKING BEINGS. They are now wards of the state, same as a foster child, and the state should be taking care of them.

Suzy over there was brought in for possession because she has a mental health problem and gets high to try and fight off the demons. She isn’t being given pads, because those are a luxury.

Jeremy over there was a friend of a bank robber. He had no idea where he was driving them that day. He gets abused and the guards don’t care.

Frank had no idea he was carry a gun in his suitcase his friend asked him to carry through the airport. His medical issues aren’t being taken seriously.

Jack killed a stranger for his car. Sure, he did wrong, but he’s been in a room with no window or human contact for years. He’s beyond rehabilitation and can never re-enter society (which is the GOAL of prison).

During the polar vortex, the prisoners could be heard yelling from the streets because they had NO HEAT.

NO ONE IS PROTECTING THEM FROM THE VIRUS AND IT IS JUST A FUCKING PETRI DISH IN THOSE PRISONS.

They get shoved in over crowed rooms, and we look down at live stock farmers for the same thing.

Can we PLEASE open the dialogue about inmates being fucking human? Please??

#prison #jail #crime #people #right #human #rights #inmate #inmates

[4damien]

Ohhh, siblings always pick on each other.

CAN WE STOP NORMALIZING THIS?!

My half brother, whom I barely knew as a child (lived with his father), used to terrorize me and my parents just brushed it off as 'just picking on' me.

He would lock me in closets. This caused me to develop claustrophobia.

Hold me upside down by my ankles when I did not even want to be touched by him. This caused migraines lasting the rest of the day, usually resulting in puking by nighttime.

Used to play pranks on my parents then blame them on me, and they believed him. This caused one of my deepest fears of not being believed.

One day, he found my diary (I was like 7, so he was about 15), and read it. When he saw me, he mocked me about it, opening it and reading form it loudly. It humiliated me and broke my trust, invaded my privacy, and caused me, a fucking 7 year old, to have a full on emotional breakdown. Hysterically sobbing, I ran to my room and locked my door. He told me he had the key (usually kept on top of the door jamb of my parent's bedroom door) and was coming in to make fun of me again. I pushed my toy chest (a big fucker) against the door and no one could get in, not even my dad who tried to push in later. I stayed in there for hours despite his bullshit half assed apology my mother made him give me.

To this day, I have reoccurring nightmares of my family not listening to me, and no matter what I say or how loud I scream, they won't listen. I'll try and run to my room and close the door just for some peace, but the door won't latch. They constantly barge in, and I scream at them, kick and push them out, and try to barricade myself in. It never works. I'm stuck in this loop of them not listening to my shrieking pleas for them to leave me alone and am often woken up by my real feet kicking in the air. My boyfriend says I'll be doing it for about an hour before I wake up. I call these 'screaming dreams' and I always wake up mentally and emotionally exhausted. My boyfriend knows when I tell him I had a screaming dream last night I'll be down all day.

My parent's response to this harassment was almost none.

Mother would always half heartedly tell him to stop and he never would.

Father will tell me to just stop reacting. 'They only do it for a reaction. If you stop reacting, they will stop.' (Sometimes my sister would join my brother in teasing me.)

HOW ABOUT YOU TELL THEM TO STOP FUCKING BULLYING ME.

When I grew up I told my dad that recently my sister had been making fun of me a lot. I have no fucking idea why I confided in him, it was just conversation. He said something along the lines of 'Siblings always pick on each other. I pick on (his brother).' Sometimes his brother does something not so smart.

I said 'But there is a difference between poking fun and putting your sister down.' He grumbled something and didn't respond.

I guess people think abuse is supposed to happen?

It did not make me stronger.

It did not toughen me up.

It did not mature me.

It hurt me.

It scarred me.

If anything it has made me weaker on so many levels.

I can't trust.

I can't move on.

I can barely god damn function.

And 20 years later it's still raw on my heart.

#siblings #bother #sister #family #mother #father #mom #dad #half #abuse #prank #bully #emotional #mental #parent #parents #child #children #just fucking kill me please

[4damien]

As a starting artist...

When I started writing, I wrote ALL the clichés.

-Unpopular, bullied kid falls in love with the most popular and beautiful girl in school

-A war between heaven and hell

-Lines like 'you are sorely mistaken'

The first book I wrote was over 300 pages and it was absolute TRASH. Half way through the story, I couldn't even read the beginning anymore because it was too cringey.

In the beginning, your lines will be sloppy, your writing will be armature, you will sing and play off key. It's FINE. You are still learning! You will use those clichés and mistakes to learn how to write, how to draw, how to sing.

Don't let ANYONE get you down when they say 'that's so cliché' or 'that sounds boring', you need time to build. Continue to build and nothing you make will be cliché after enough time.

There is nothing wrong with starting easy.

Everyone does.

Just keep going.

#art #writing #write #story #sing #voice #clichés #cliché #music #instruments #don't give up #keep moving forward #paint #draw

[4damien]

Me - Uhg, if I were on drugs or something I would tell my physician. They NEED TO KNOW to be able to TREAT YOU! They can’t even get you in trouble! Why do people hide stuff and not get proper treatment?!

Also me

Therapist - how is everything?

Me - rainbows and unicorns doc

#therapy #joke #health #mental #illness

[4damien]

I started watching Modern Family and here are the thing I feel they did right (still in season 1)

The gay couple are not completely (over the top) effeminate but are still realistic gay men.

They have an amazing relationship, even though they don’t always agree, they don’t fight. They talk.

They adopted a child! Yay!

This show finally shows the HAPPY side of having a child and not just the ‘new parents can never sleep and hate their lives’ shit played over and over.

The brother and sister (adults) have a realistic adult sibling relationship.

The show shows that age gap relationships CAN work and they are based on LOVE, not money and looks.

They show the struggle and acceptance of blending cultures and how wonderful that can be.

Gloria always wants Manuel to remember his roots and she encourages him to do anything he wants. Wear his poncho, try to woo girls, and try new things.

They show how hard it is to be a stay at home mother.

They show married couples still being in love after years.

They show the pain of divorce on kids, which some people seem to gloss over.

It’s a pretty complex and dynamic show and I really like it.

[4damien]

I'm haunted by the times I chose not to act.

One time when I was driving a bus full of high schoolers, I saw three middle schoolers walking home (they get out at the same time in the district I worked for). There where two boys and one girl and as I got closer, I saw they were harassing her. It looked like they were pulling her back pack or hair and probably talking nasty. As I passed, she whipped around and yelled at them.

I'm so haunted by this memory.

I should have done something.

As I drove away I thought of the options, but I could quite possibly face legal consequences if I stopped and let her on my bus. As someone who was bullied, mostly physically, by my neighbors, and mostly at the bus stop, I die inside.

This memory, almost three years ago, still plays in my head. I still run through it and wish with all of my soul I could go back and have helped her. I would have brought her back to school and told her to go to the principle's. I could have just drove her further up the road so she had some distance between herself and the boys. I should have done SOMETHING.

Fuck my job. Fuck what the police would say. Fuck the angry parents. I failed her. I became a bystander.

I will probably live with his regret my whole life.

That tiny moment haunts me.

#school #high #middle #elementary #harassment #boy #girl #bully #bullying #truama #student