dehartmusicblog

[dehartmusicblog]

#second a day #2019 #wrapup

[dehartmusicblog]

New single + music video out in September! Preparing for an album launch, looking for a charity to donate album sales to.  Music video shot and edited by The Way LLC You can find everything on my website :) 

#anouncement #emo music #new music video #indie artist #suicide prevention #charity

[dehartmusicblog]

Made a playlist with just my best music, way easier to listen to than all 52 songs! 

#playlist #spotify #new artist #thing a week #jonathan coulton

[dehartmusicblog]

I’m Alive!!!

DeHart’s Thing A Week 2018 is FINISHED!!! If you only want to hear the best of the 52 songs, check out this playlist!

#vlog #january #second a day

[dehartmusicblog]

THING A WEEK 4 ... HAS BEEN OUT FOR A WHILE!!!

The final installment of my vanity project is now complete. I was pretty sick of the project towards the end and I guess I missed telling tumblr people about the launch. I know most of you on twitter anyway, sorry for anyone who was out of the loop! This album also exists as a video playlist on YouTube if you find that more to your liking. I have a few more things in the works and will update you in the coming days!

#album launch #music video #devil #hero's journey #to hell and back #hell and back #concept album #vanity projec #wtf am i doing here #no more hastags plz #k

[dehartmusicblog]

52: Don’t Kill Yourself

THING A WEEK IS NOW FINISHED!!!! THE ALBUM IS OUT!!!! Please boop it on spotify, it would be a great help for a small time independent artist like myself.

Lyrics: The deep never looked so good Keeping me safe is but a scrap of wood My secrets never to be explained The winds are howling my name

I’m running out of breath At least I can sink knowing I did my best I finally learned how to let go

Now, I’ve got horns, and you’ve got angel wings You’re everything I want because you’re nothing like me You blazed into my life like a falling star Straight from my dreams as lofty as they are And you thought I was here to save you To spare you of your fate

I’m running out of breath At least I can sink knowing I did my best I finally learned how to let go I’m running out of breath And in this endless sea I’ll rest I finally learned how to let go

Don’t frame me as your angel Don’t pen me as your saint I’m just another helpless soul who lost their way And you thought I was here to save you To spare you of your fate

Right now I’m in California, sister is just out of the hospital, and the memorial video for my late grandfather is finished. Fuck December 2018, seriously.

My mom asked about the suicide warning at the end of this video, and I lied to her through honesty. The source material depicts a dude in the matrix running from ‘Big Brother’ hoping Neo will unplug him before he is eliminated. All I show is the chase scene and his act of suicide. Worrying that my message could be seen as fedishization of suicide, I included the end message to get people to find help if they need it.

But every time I talk about suicide, warn against it, denounce it, I am really trying to convince myself of the same message. Methinks I doth protest too much. The truth is, my broken brain sees killing myself as the most poetic and extreme way to close out this Thing A Week project and the thought crosses my mind more often than it should. I won’t, and don’t have the means to do so, so chill.

I think Digressing still holds as the best reflection of the chaos in my brain. “You see, I like to think about death some times.” In high school, I fell down an extreme depression. It didn’t make sens; I was driven, talented, came from a loving family, but I felt like ending it all. It first manifested in cutting. In a moment of blind rage in the middle of class, I gashed my arm open with a broken protractor. I had to wear long sleeve shirts for at least a year to hide the scars. Death is in the future, but the dripping wound was all I could think of in the moment, a welcomed distraction, one I would repeat at least two times over. 

After a few weeks, I looked down the barrel of a loaded shotgun and saw nothing, which is where I would have ended up if I had the courage to make the worst decision of my life. I sat and stared down it, wondering when the black darkness ended, and it didn’t. The inside of that barrel was the blackest black I’ve ever seen, and after a moment, a pause, I unloaded it and put it away, both afraid of myself and mad about pussying out. 

I began to negotiate and dissociate with myself, manifesting a life coach who gave me a tantalizing ultimatum. I told myself, “If you still feel this way at the end of tomorrow, go for it, but not right now.”

The next day was complete shit. It was actually just a normal day, normal friends, normal food, normal class, but my brain was fixed on the clock and the deepest depths of despair. Some time later that night I got distracted by something, maybe a joke over the dinner table, I can’t remember. At the end of the night I was pissed again but remembered the deal I made with myself. Because I got distracted and the day wasn’t totally unredeemable, I couldn’t commit to such a permanent end game, so my mental coach gave me a day extension. Then a week extension. Then another, and another. Then a month, and another until I lost track. The suicidal episodes became more and more spaced apart, but they have not completely left me. I had studied and learned myself. With a degree of certainty I maintain today, I know those very intense and real feelings are temporary and pass in 2-3 days. No matter how pissed I am at myself for no reason at all, I know I will be grateful I didn’t follow through with some time.

To cope, I’ll sometimes pretend I have already killed myself, walking around ‘The Corpse Bride’ status. As morbid as it sounds, I become very happy because every experience and sensation feels like the magical first time. I find simple things around me absurdly captivating because I know if I was dead, I wouldn’t have had the chance to appreciate the breeze of a warm desert night, the hum of a family of cicadas, the crunch of snow under my boots, sound of rain on a street of newly fallen leaves.

Instead of cutting as a distraction, I will start a project saying “you’re not allowed to die until you’ve finished what you’ve started.” Which has helped push me to make many personal achievements…. 

But I’m done…

The Master’s is done. Thing A Week is done. Next thing I know, I assign myself Vlogmas to work and am collecting metal earth puzzles to build. I never cared about these things before, but I think my brain is latching onto them because I know if I didn’t,… I would be dangerously complete….

…

If it keeps me alive, I will master every craft under the sun while enjoying good beer with good company. I know I will die eventually, but I’m in no rush for the ride to be over. When I feel down, I remember my coach, “be kind to yourself.”

Well, this might be my last blog in a long while, the final page in a long chapter, but not the end of the book. It’s been quite the year. Thank you, thank you, thank you for reading these, for listening to my musical development, and for allowing my story to live on through you. I hope we all have a good 2019 and every year after that. 

My love for you is the in the music. With repeat on, I hope you find it never ends. Take care, D

#the last song #thing a week #jonathan coulto #the animatrix #the matrix #indie #rock #self published #self destructive #suicide #suicide prevention #don't let me buy a gun #suicdie storry #attempt #musicians of tumblr #musicians on tumblr #alt rock #alternative

[dehartmusicblog]

Album Launch Day

Please add the album to your Spotify playlist or download it for free on Bandcamp. It’s been a long year, thank you for your support <3

#albumrelease #album launch #concept album #Spotify #new music #thing a week #jonathan coulton

[dehartmusicblog]

51: THE MASHUP

I’m exhausted. I should have posted this a week ago, but you know. This was a more elaborate collaboration with friends of mine and I’m glad it turned out as well as it did. Cashing in on the nostalgia ticket hard with this one featuring Clone High, an early 2000′s cartoon that ran for just one season, but what a season it was. Thanks again to Triss & Keno Nifty for taking this song to the next level!

On a personal note, my grandfather passed away shortly before my trip to California. My mom and sis are doing their best to keep their chins up while planning the cremation, sorting through his belongings, and explaining again and again how he died to extended family (inoperable lung cancer + old age). I still don’t think I’ve processed it. I would rather not whore out this tragedy on YouTube / Twitter and the last thing I want right now is a flood of condolence messages. I really just want peace and quiet time with my family. 

With sleepy eyes and just enough love to get by, D<3

#weezer #the pixies #mashup #clone high #keno nifty #chazz forte #triss tunes

[dehartmusicblog]

50 FLCL / Crazy:

YouTube and creators of FLCL consider this copyright infringement, or at least far enough in the grey area to be black listed. So I’ve re-branded this as an example of how to fail at appealing to ‘fair use’.

Lyrics:

I see the way you look at me You make me feel like it was meant to be So tell me why is it that you're all I see While we drop to this crazy beat You drive me crazy

Now, girl I must confess I think your dancing is  fine, But I gotta tell you I have half the mind To ask you how those shoes do on the street Lets show this whole city our dancing beat and drive them crazy

Now the city is bumping and shouting Lets take this train wherever its going We'll spread this funky beat to whoever we meet lets keep it crazy

P.S.

You know, Daft Punk was so cool how they had an entire anime OVA produced to follow an album... If it makes you feel something then, I’ve done my job. Otherwise, I still have some learning to do, and that’s just fine with me. I’m pretty drunk. The album’s done! Listening to the final draft right now and making my final notes to correct in the morning before publishing. Please watch Vlogmas and bring some validation to this god forsaken project. I’d appreciate it. 

I was super into “Hey” by The Pixies at the time if you catch my vibes.

Drunk love feels like the same thing, D<3

#anime #ova #evangelion #music industry #indie #crazy

[dehartmusicblog]

VLOGMAS

I’m doing Vlogmas this year, half of December is gone already. They’re short, sweet, and I guess help you see another part of my life if that’s what you’re into. Subscribe / Follow / All that Jazz  D<3

#vlogmas #vlog #daily #december #producer #musician #independent artist #indie #album #albumrelease #anime #amv #copyright #youtube #content #creator

[dehartmusicblog]

49 Evangelion / Crashing:

I find creativity when I’m pressured for time. I hated the idea of ruining the power of this expressive song with lyrics, so I finally decided to sample a tragic news story to match the emotion and chorus of what I had written. I made sure the samples tell a new narrative or at least cause the listener to think about what they were doing on  February 1, 2003. This visual story I put together from Evangelion also serve as a cautionary tale for wielding technology beyond our control.

p.s. 

It all came crashing down.

The flight of the space shuttle is a powerful symbol of American pride, freedom, and the aspiration for scientific pursuit. Kids in my generation and in the generation that witnessed the Challenger tragedy had to re-evaluate the careers we dreamed up in kindergarten. The idea that we were born too soon for viable space travel quietly took over us. Innocence lost.

At the same time, the shuttle represents how I see my careers in music and physics. It also ties together nicely with my early production of Discovery.

Looking back at the news tapes, I was reminded of a few things distinctly post 9/11 America, a time I imagine many of us have tried to forget. News stations collectively reassured the public that the event was not an act of terrorism while also stressing the fact the first Israeli astronaut was on board. I remember in California back then, my surrounding democrats would consistently shit on president Bush. Re-watching his speech now, it was exactly what America needed. His words gave us hope which is something we need a lot more of in 2018.

With hope and love, D<3

#columbia #space shuttle #bush #george w bush #anime #amv #9/11 #nostalgia

[dehartmusicblog]

48 ONE PUUUUNCH!!!

“Some creature of the deep has laid its eggs inside of me” are lyrics in this Todd Fogarty cover which made me think of the sea monster battle in One Punch Man. This was an expressive and experimental piece; I hope you enjoy it!

This song will be track 5 on the album and illustrate the horrors our protagonist is met with in Hell.

Lyrics:

I need a remote for my life Brand new batteries So I can skip the scenes Of heart ache and catastrophe  Wreck the frantic manic fuckin voices in my head, Disguise my Zombified insides a bit  Well my thoughts are such a mess Like broken cigarettes A toxic mix of chemicals adrift inside my head I don't know what to say, neither does my brain, the feelings are fucking hard for me to grasp and even harder to explain  And in my dreams I'm choking on flies They fill my mouth, they fill my nose, and then they fill my fuckin eyes And now your gone, now your gone And I don't know how to feel. I never know, Oh Still I can't pretend that I don't care, that half life of that feelings still there, but it's not its not It’s not enough, not enough.  Like cave in victims my mind is stuck On the way things used to be and the changes in both of us, Its like pulling shards of glass out of a bloody pair of feet Its difficult, and painful and hard to see  My thoughts are such a mess Like broken cigarettes, A toxic mix of chemicals a drift inside my head And God knows I hate change or maybe he don't, cause God is just the i-ma-gi-na-ry friend of the pope  And in my dreams, I crawl out of the sea I find some creature of the deep has laid his eggs inside of me And now your gone, now your gone And I don't know how to feel. I never know, Oh Still I can't pretend that I don't care, that half life of that feelings still there, but it's not Its not enough, not enough.

p.s.

*Crunch crunch crunch*

Hear that?

*Crunch crunch*

It must be CRUNCH TIME!

I have less than two weeks to finish the last song, master the album, and prepare it for a New Years release. Then I have to worry about making videos for the last 3 songs, and winding up the hype machine on social media. I sincerely hope this year hasn’t been a giant waste of time. If the creativity required to finish this project isn’t enough to impress future employers, maybe having the tenacity to follow through with this 52+ song project will be enough. That and the Master’s degree. And the two years of work experience in a national lab. And the thesis.

Through out this year, I’ve had to reflect on my motivations. This project is sort of a quarter life crisis; I’ve sacrificed so many relationships in pursuit of academic prowess and now I sit lonely on my not-so-modest hill of achievements asking myself if it was worth it all. 

I’ve always felt compelled to demonstrate my worth; it’s an attempt to redeem myself for being a friendless flunk out as a kid. 

In my academic pursuit, I’ve managed to be hospitalized three times for life threatening conditions I had no control over and I’ve realized having “He really wanted a PhD” on a tomb stone is kinda sad. If I can’t build relationships in this life, then perhaps I can build them in the afterlife. Perhaps I can create something worth singing along to for now and the future. Maybe when the last shuttle leaves earth, the internet will be backed up on a flash drive for the very last time and my music can escape Earth’s gravity well; maybe I can leave this place and everything will be alright.

With love, every time, now and forever, D<3

#one punch man #anime #amv #folk #punk #western #emo #skum shine #todd fogarty #quarter life crisis

[dehartmusicblog]

47 ‘Hypnotize your crush into liking you’ Song:

Couples fight or at least disagree on occasion. I imagine this song is from the perspective of someone trying to make up after a conflict. The anime, Nodame Cantabile, features an almost-relationship and lots of piano, so I hoped making a short story of ‘hypnotizing your crush into liking you’ might be a good fit.

Lyrics:

Oh, I can be sun shine I can be a rainy day With you by my side, baby We can take this thing all the way

Do I make   you crazy Tell me, do I drive you up the wall If I make you crazy It's only 'cause I love you most of all

I'll screw up, from time time, yea   But I'll do all I can just to   make things right I'll get you cake or a root bear float, yea and maybe even later we can rock the boat

Please don't tire of my sleepy eyes You're the only one they see My love is true, don't have time for lies When I'm near you I feel complete Stay with me and we can be happy If you want to, you know you want to

p.s.

I’m sleepy and want to spontaneously exist in the future where all my work is finished and published. I’m very slowly writing the last four songs in this project, but it’s slow. Keeping these songs driving and high energy is ironically wearing on me. I’ll survive. Wish me luck.

With love, forever

D<3

#anime #amv #nodame cantabile #nodame #piano #funk #musicians of tumblr #musicians on tumblr #hypnosis #crush

[dehartmusicblog]

46: An EMO Breakup Song

Hard at work finishing the album, just 4 more songs / videos after this one! I was in a happy relationship when I lived in Manitoba, but it was doomed to fail. Winter became synonymous with pain literally and emotionally. This song existed as an acoustic demo for the last two years and here it is now for better or worse.

Lyrics:

The door, to my heart has been closed for years But you got me, to open up a window It's too bad, the window is on the 8th floor And I am sorry, for not doing you any favors

Now, It's starting to get cold in here Snow is drifting in from the windows, left wide open I should close them to spare myself from winter's burn With regret, I should have just let you in

You ran away, ran away, when we were getting close But You ran away, ran away, from me Oh, You ran away, ran away, shattering all of our hopes But this is what I get for being honest

But it is futile, it's temporary. I have known this, and I am sorry [You've, got me, soaking my thoughts, in this bottle You've, got me, hoping that some day I'll change]

p.s.

Dianne incited me to dig up an old folder with a BUNCH of old break up songs. A lot of them come raw feelings and aren’t terribly written! It’s all coming together and I can’t wait for it to be finished. I haven’t been depressed in a long while and have leveled out nicely. You could say I’m generally tired, but it’s hard to feel bad when I know every day has been at least a small step to finishing this album.

#breakup #song #songwriter #batman #superman #dcuniverse #emo #Manitoba #canada

[dehartmusicblog]

45: The Last Song

This was written as a farewell from a Texas bounty hunter, as inspired by Dianne’s fixation on RDR2, my recent watch of Cowboy Bebop, and having absolutely nothing to do with the absurd reality that plagues my existence. I was Freddie Mercury for Halloween and I worked out that Bohemian Rhapsody works as his swan song. If music is played at your funeral and you had the chance to write it, would you?

Lyrics:

Mother Carolina, brought me up good and well, Raising a boy who was raising hell demons between us, with love would disperse But I know, I know it could be worse

I showed no fear at the hand of a gun I won't be broken, I'm my father's son The study of law did I immerse But I know it could be worse

Dallas was broken and Houston got fixed I never asked to get caught in the mix Where life is our story with love interspersed But I know, I know it could be worse

I haven't feared death since my right lung gave out The angel of death I no longer doubt, Will take me to rest in a slow moving hearse. But I know, I know it could be worse

p.s.

This album is in an optimistically morbid place? I know how it ends and have just a few songs left to flesh out the plot; it’s last call and my last chance to say whatever it is I need to say.

I don’t know if I’d want this song played at my funeral, but that’s the emotional space it was written in.

I really loath singing and am quantitatively a shit, unrehearsed singer. What you hear is the work of a good producer lining up the temp and correcting pitch. 

I’m tired. Thank you for reasons. smooch smooch.

Love and forever, D<3

#rdr2 #freddie mercury #queen #funeral #cowboy bebop #bebop #cowboy #texas #amv #anime

[dehartmusicblog]

44: K-On!

An instrumental experiment that is cute and fun. The song was originally developed to be a J-punk piece for FLCL, but it fit K-On! better. It doesn’t really have a name and the up beat mood doesn’t really fit the narrative of the concept album. I might swap this an next week’s song on the final album. 

p.s. 

I’ve been working on my visual story telling with these videos. What you see isn’t just ‘something to watch‘ or a straight cut from an anime; I have to sift through hours of material usually until I find a flash back or the appearance of of a very expressive character. These scenes tell a story without dialogue which is really important to me.

This AMV was flagged for copyright over a week ago and I’ve been sitting on it since. This song might be omitted in the final stage of the project, but it does exist now as a place holder at least to keep me honest. 

I have a lot of works in progress that need to get finished so wish me luck!

With love, always, D<3

#k-on! #anime #rock #instrumental #amv #rockband #high school

[dehartmusicblog]

43: Abandon All Hope / Hellboy

Continuing with the concept album’s narrative, our protagonist now finds them-self trapped in hell. It’s also the spooky month, so why not. Hellboy happens to be a favourite graphic novel series I follow. I happened to have an animated Hellboy movie and I developed a visual narrative from a flashback scene for a music video. I think this is how I want to move forward with my branding. Loads more content soon! Lyrics:

Where we've been taken, the city of lost souls How can we leave this place nobody knows

Believe me I've tried to escape, there is no way

At the gates I met a man, with eyes sunken in I never caught his name

He said if you're afraid to die, you no longer have a reason why Welcome to the END

Welcome to Hell, welcome to hell where Every single day is somehow worse than third grade

Before me things create were none, save things Eternal, and eternal I endure. Abandon All hope ye who enter here.

p.s.

I am seriously a huge Hellboy fan. This trench coat has soooo many buttons, it’s awesome. I have a mug and the entire collection of volumes of the comics and try to keep up to speed with it. I think right now, Hellboy is actual dead? But because of the prophecy he now roams hell, fighting The Big S and running into lost forsaken souls. Maybe this is the sort of narrative I want to explore with the rest of this album. 

Alright, If I work diligently enough, I can keep the no-no thoughts from creeping up on me. I’m bushwacked (I swear it’s an appropriate adjective). 43 weeks into this project and I suddenly decide the direction it’s going to go. 

Yikes.

Because of this, I’ve been spending time making videos for already released songs, and have straight-up rewrote entire sections of songs instead of moving forward and having one ready this week....

And that’s a lie. I have ~3 songs ready this week, but one is being shut down by copyright reasons, another one is waiting for collaborator parts but is basically done, and the last one is sort of special and I might want to save it for the finale of the album....

As my manager, I acknowledge all the extra hours I’ve been pouring into this project and I would rather this season prioritize quality over fascist punctuality. So I have a back-up song in the works and it might take an extra day or two, but it will be worth it.

So Halloween / November 1st:

I was Freddie Mercury for Halloween, with leather pants, the mustache and everything. The day after, I got to see @loscampesinos in Vancouver, and it was an awesome set! I went back to listen to an old old cover I did and it was very nostalgic, but you should probably listen to the original instead, haha.

I’m too tired to be sad. I like not sad.The Stockholm syndrome is doing it’s magic. If you’re reading these p.s. notes, you might be the only one who ever has, and this moment we share feels special to me. I hope you know that. Thank you for spending this year with me. It could have been worse. A lot worse.

With love, always, D<3

p.p.s. Mustache or no? I’m gonna regret all pictures taken in this window of time, aren’t I?

#amv #hellboy #animation #anime #music video #hell #rock #musicians of tumblr #musicians on tumblr #branding #freddie #mercury #queen #costume #halloween #los campesinos! #AKIRA #trench coat