dxrksxul - Tumblr blog

dxrksxul · 3 years

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Return

Where do you turn

When even the ones that made you

Dont want you?

Where do the lost souls go?

Do we hide

In the darkest corner of our minds?

Is this what they meant

When they said reality is unkind?

I miss feeling alive

To be in a moment

That lasts an eternity

In our minds

Oh, how I wander

To return to that feeling

|12-6-2020|

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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🌐/ Forward /🌐

Forgive me I’ve seen the devils corner

Although my body is still foreign

I paint my soul with layers of art

This is to a new start

Once drained and dwelling on memory

I use my euphoric enegry

Tearing away the faded scratched layers

Saying goodbye to the doomslayers

A new direction is imminent

Battling with behavior so discriminate

I am becoming a self made man

Creating an ultimate plan

To which, my image isn’t so distorted

Yet, I am still supported

Marching toward equality

I sense tranquility

Forward is the only sensiable direction

There is so much complexion

The soul within identity is multiplex

So is the mind of the sex

Together I am becoming one

I look for the sun

|9/28/2020|

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#drown in my mind #ftm transguy #ftm #dark poetry #healing #equality #poetry #forward #my writing #college student #self made #emo aesthetic #thoughts #anxitey #recovery #sad boi hours

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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| Thieves |

Ran around picking flowers for your garden

Now I ask myself if we are done

Through the Spring, the birds echoed your name

Lovers to strangers, why am I to blame?

Beginning to lose myself in the sun

I wish I had a gun

Wandering along side time, Fall creeps over the garden

To seal the fate of our story, has the garden become a burden?

We built this together, our safest place to be united

You became wildly blind sighted

The sun had contaminated our bones

Wooden planks crafted by our chemistry deteriorate

Our plans to become soul mates eroded

Winter runs away with the roots left in our garden

-

6/24/2020

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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| Same Dance |

Over the months I’ve been filled wirh guilt and shame

I’m not deserving of you, I have lost claim of my mind

I should’ve left you alone, because I’m a disease

Sleep has become my worst nightmare, it’s unobtainable

Anchored down and drowned in sleepless nights

I’ve realized how cruel and selfish this reality is

Digging my roots back into soil- must be done alone

No one is truly there for you, the realest piece in the game of life is you

We’ve always been utterly alone in this life, surrounded by selfishness and greed

In order to survive- it’s a matter of fusing both body and soul

This process must be done alone, both selfish and strict

That’s what our reality is- lies destruction and chaos

I’ve chosen the only sane path left, myself, and forever for myself

To the wolves I’m fed, because in the end it’s only me

6/23/2020

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#emo aesthetic #sad poem #thoughts #forgotten #anxitey #dead inside #drown in my mind #ftm transguy #ftm #bpd #sad boi hours #alone #i feel nothing #heartache #blockout #original poem #original photography on tumblr

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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| deadeye |

Do you still think about me, as I drown in your memory

I can’t seem to capture your energy as I once did

My eyes bleed blue and begin to blacken

I’m afraid you took my soul with you when you left

Please find me in a place that was always ours

I’d wait for you timeless lifetimes

Nothing is worth it more than you are, and forever will be

In another lifetime, we made it to the end together

I watched you grow, encouraged you, stood by your side

I cannot forget what it felt like to be wrapped in your euphoria

I’d give my life to feel your presence one last time

As I should’ve never said goodbye

Maybe that’s what fools do?

I hope you are growing, learning, and experiencing

But if you ever want me again, you know I’ll always be here..

#emo aesthetic #sad poem #thoughts #forgotten #anxitey #dead inside #drown in my mind #ftm transguy #ftm #bpd #i love you #forever #loyalty #i'll wait #come home #original poem #love poetry #heartache

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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| Restless |

Where do you rest your head when sleep doesn’t fix you

How do you stop playing their favorite songs

Will I ever forget her?

When your heart aches for a text that will never be received

You know they’re not thinking about you

But how do you give up?

I wish she would look at me as she did the first time we met

We had everything together

Separation has only made me want you more

To hear your voice one more time, to have a second chance

We were supposed to be unstoppable

Now I cannot sleep without your blanket

My bed doesn’t feel the same anymore

Not since you left, a hole was permanently ripped in my heart

I ache for the slightest reminiscence of you

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#emo aesthetic #sad poem #thoughts #forgotten #anxitey #dead inside #drown in my mind #ftm transguy #ftm #bpd #original poem #i love you #second chances #heartache #depression #never let me go

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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have a nice day :)

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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| Medicine |

I’m here to admit that you were my medicine

Now I’m but a skeleton

I never gave myself proper time to heal

I acted as thought my heart was steal

Lately I’ve begun to find myself lost

Waves churn as a storm at sea is tossed

You gave me peace

Now I must let my feelings cease

I’ve begun a journey to find myself

My feelings have been placed on a shelf

The things I do now, are for me

It’s time to become free

-5/15/2020

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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“And maybe one day I’ll find someone who will love me just as much as I loved you.”

— a.a. // maybe

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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I kept on making myself smaller and smaller to keep you in my life.

— reminder to NEVER let anyone make me feel that way again

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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“I wish I could write something that will make you want to change your mind. I don’t get it. I’ve tried everything. I wrote, I ran, I read, I worked, I slept, I kissed someone new. I got under someone new. I tried everything to feel what you made me feel and nothing will work. my heart will never beat for someone else. It always belonged to you. It was yours before I even knew you. We were destined to be together and I know you feel it too. I’ve never felt so connected to someone before. Everything pulls me to you. Its impossible to let go. How could you be okay with it all? I can’t help but wonder if you look for me in every person you see too? I can’t help but wonder if everyone you kiss makes you wish it was me. I guess not, because if it was the same for you then we’d be together because what would be the point in all this misery. I can’t stop sleeping because every now and then you visit me in my dreams and I get to feel having you all over again. And I know its just a fragment of my imagination and what I feel isn’t actually real but when we kiss it feels pretty close to the real thing and I never wanna wake up. Isn’t that sad? I had you and I lost you and now you only exist in my dreams, I can only feel your touch in my dreams and soon that’ll be gone too. I can’t think of a life where I exist without you. I don’t like to think of that so I keep you alive in any way I can. I write about you, I listen to songs with lyrics that make me feel you, I drive by the hill by your house we used to kiss at, I read the book you lent me over and over again trying to find newer pieces of you in between the lines. I keep you alive in every single way I can and I know that by keeping you alive I’m killing myself slowly. I know its not healthy. I know I need to forget you but I can’t. I dont think i ever will. I want to hold on because what if one day you come back. I’m not holding my breath for it but the idea is whats keeping me alive so I have to hold onto something. I hope you know I miss you too much to be mad anymore.”

— hurt hurt hurt hurt

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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| Assuming Body |

Identity is debated to be evolving rapidly

As the growing complexity of the mind becomes discovered

Oftentimes, the theory of embodiment is used to describe the ways in which individuals view and capture the material body

We begin to realize that the inadequacy of the term gender

It has become old and outdated to fit the needs of our evolving society

Instead we must teach our youth the fluidity of the terms gender and indentity

It’s argued that identity has little to do with the material body

Rather it is shaped by the experiences by which an individual encounters

This would suggest the need for a revamped definition of these terms

To assume body one searches of aligning not only the mentality but rather the physicality of the self imposed body

With this, find the body in which embodies your truths most adequately

We mustn’t live in fear any longer- we must become the change in which we seek..

|4/20/2020|

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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dxrksxul · 4 years

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| Interwoven Souls |

For so long I thought I had known what true love was

Stared it in the eyes multiple times, throwing the word around like it was weightless

Unfortunately..it never makes itself known until you reflect back into what you had

To have your soul interwoven with another

The chemistry that it brings to a crowd of strangers

The kind of feeling where no matter how restless the crowd becomes you only see each other

The crazy glances you shoot to one and other, the smiles that shoot like stars between two souls

When you feel like you want to climb the highest of mountains and explore the world in each others company

To enjoy the little moments, the late nights and uncontrollable laughter

As you take turns sharing your favorite music and talking about the experiences that make or break you

To want to listen to their stories for the rest of your life and watch them blossom into the most beautiful flower you’d have ever laid your eyes on

I crave to feel how I felt in her presence, how weightless she made me feel

To feel wanted and appreciate not necessarily in a dependent kind of way

A way in which you feel connected inside and out and every little thing they do makes your skin crawl w beds of flowers

Once you loose it things never feel the same, and I took that word for granted most of my life

Now looking back I realize that I only found love once and it was the most beautiful but painful thing

4|14|2020

To the one that will never see this, you showed me a new world. I will never forget you even as your voice begins to fade..

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