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latina4rmbx · 2 months

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I Can Buy Myself Flowers...

Sometimes I need to figure my shit out. Sometimes I take so long to figure my shit out that it loses it's luster. I've been pondering this post for a bit and it's learned me a few things:

I need to charge my laptop. As I lay in bed, stroke of insight comes to me, but if I pick up my phone, I'm going straight to social media and there goes my insight. At least with my laptop I don't have social media embedded in any of the apps, I think, and I can get what I need to get off my chest.

I sometimes over/underestimate myself and it's to my own detriment

I was in an extreme emotional state yesterday with no real outlet. I had no reason to cry but I felt that ache or that hollow in my chest. I even asked a friend for a sad movie suggestion so I can get it out. I still haven't seen the movie

I know I've said this before, and I guess I will repeat it until I understand, you really don't realize the impact you make/have made on a persons life sometimes. If you're lucky, people will give you your flowers while you're still here

This is a great segue into the whole reason we're here...

Yesterday I posted a Meme that reads: Her: I ordered us new phone cases. The fucking phone cases (if I can add the pic here I will) then I wrote: Me as a GF. Let me just try to post this thing because 1. it was the catalyst and 2. I think it truly sums me up as a GF and 3. It's cute AF. Take in the entire post lol

An ex-boyfriend reaches out to me to make a joke about the phone cases.

His joke: "This was us but I had more ass than you."

In case you were wondering what my response was...this is the lead up to the crux of this AM post. From here on out I'm going to refer to him as Guy. Another person comes into play and I'll call them Man.

Me: But that's a real message I sent to a real man who probably has more ass than I do too 😂 I haven't checked it out enough. We haven't done sexy time yet 😃

Guy: Whaaaaaat (I didn't count the A's but there were quite a few)

Me: Stop it

Guy: This is real?! Not a drill ?!?

A little more chatting about Man

Guy: Ok well he gets you. That's important

Here is where the mood changes. Up to this point we were laughing, well Guy was laughing at my antics (because I be antic-ing)

Me: Well we don't see each other much cuz life be lifin' the shit out of us but it's good lol. Thanks for inquiring about the drills.

Side Note: He speaks to me in voice note after a bit so I'll have to transcribe. I'll do it verbatim but I KNOW I will cry.

Guy: Good speaking to you again. Instead of us, just sending funny videos to each other... Though I like that too.

Me: Thank you for being everything.

Me: I'm really lucky I met you Guy. I hope you know that. Good or bad you always have a special place in my heart

Guy: Can I say: Ditto. One day I'll be able to put into words what our time together has meant and always meant to me

Me: It's not necessary. I appreciate it anyway

Guy: Well I think people need to get their flowers!!!!

See the correlation to the title now?

Me: I do too & life is shorter than we realize.

Here's where his voice notes start. There are only 2 but each is about a min long so it may take some time (& Coffee) to transcribe. I did not respond to him in VN form. As a matter of fact the conversation between him and I's portion will end with my first response, then I'll move on to something else. It'll make sense

VN1: No, I I I mean that in all truthfulness. Uhm, people deserve their flowers cause you never know when somebody's gonna go or somebody saying I'm never going to talk to you ever again. So, No I wanted to always tell you thank you because I wasn't always uhm I dunno. I guess life gives you perspective once you get some distance and time. I'm not trying to speak deep or like philosophical. It's just one of those things where you know. I remember being young. I remember, you know, being infatuated with you and not knowing how to handle that and also not knowing how to handle when I had unfinished business or you know uhm. There were so many things I was learning on the fly. It's like flying a plane and fixing the wing while you're flying it. I should've just landed the plane and learned my lesson.

VN2: But even when I was flying the plane, so to speak, or hanging out with you uhm, I always wanted to thank you. I mean, you know, there were times that, you know, I really made you feel like shit and I'm sorry. And there's times there, you know, where you and I were at odds for whatever reason, and you know. I wasn't always great, you know. I learned a lot from you. I learned about forgiveness, and I learned about, you know, about how to truly love somebody or what to have when you truly love somebody. Or that so much, that that that our multiple interactions have taught me. From the beginning all the way to the last one. And it was so fun in a weird way to have you in my apartment that day when we were saying good bye to T. And that was kinda like uh, if this was a sitcom, and that was the last episode, it'd be a good one.

Me: The one where we said good bye

If you didn't get it, my response is a nod to ye olde show "Friends."

Here's where it gets interesting/sad, I was crying typing that response to Guy. However, I went to the counsel, which is 2 people. 1 who knows him and one who doesn't. I'm going to only share the conversation with the one who doesn't know him because it was sweet, our back and forth. For the sake of consistency they will be dubbed, C1 (LOL - is that consistent?). Ok, ok, Lady. She'll be dubbed Lady. As in, I spoke to the Lady

Me: Listen to this. It's my ex boyfriend & THIS made me cry.

Lady: Awww O

Me: You know how you feel like you didn't mean anything to someone and then you find out you meant everything. This did it for me. Bad timing. But when the timing was right...It was too late. He broke up with his GF and I had broken up with *CENSORED*. We were ripe for the picking but it didn't feel...the same.

Lady: Yes I now the feeling

Lady: At least you now know you meant something big to him

Me: Yeah. It's comforting

Me: I always wondered if I was doing love wrong

That's it. Not the end of the conversation but the point that he was helping me with, without even being aware. I always wondered if I was doing love wrong. Craziness because some people never think of love in terms of something to consider or work on, it's just what they feel or do. But what does that mean? To feel love. What does it mean to DO love? You know.

Lady: I don't think you've ever done love wrong. Just was given to the wrong people at the wrong time because as a friend you are very loveable and you're giving, attentive

Me: Thank you

Me: I had to work on the friendship love too

Lady: No need to thank me for the truth

Me: I know I used to do friendship wrong

Lady: Well I'm glad I get the best of you ❤️❤️

That was literally the end of hers and I's conversation.

In the other conversation I mention feeling validated. I think this is the part that kept me up half the night. Why did I need him or anyone to validate me? Then it clicked, I value his opinion of me. He's one of the very few people who can tell me "O, it's not a good look." He does it with such a pure and true heart. It doesn't hurt when he's putting me in my place. Again, I'm speaking as a friend here, not as a lover. That ship has sailed a long time ago. Two years ago, when we reconnected through mutual heartbreak, solidified it.

We were GREAT as lovers and being in love but we're sooooo much better as champions for each other. We cheer each other one from the sidelines. I guess that's what happens when time and distance give us perspective.

Thank you readers for reading. I truly appreciate you taking any moment out of your day to read through my posts.

I can buy myself flowers...But why would I have to?

XOXO

Thanks for Reading

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latina4rmbx · 3 months

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The Madonna & The Whore

I feel like I’m being judged for my sexual past. Which is weird because I don’t judge people for their sexual pasts. Actually probably not being judged due to my sexual past but due my positive sexuality. I think that’s the issue. The fact that I’m so open with my sexual past.

It’s weird really. Sort of The Madonna & the Whore. I’m going to assume some don’t know what means so I’m going to do as I always do…To Google!

I’ll be honest it’s not what I thought but it was close. See below:

In psychoanalytic literature, a Madonna–whore complex (also called a Madonna–mistress complex) is the inability to maintain sexual arousal within a committed and loving relationship. First identified by Sigmund Freud, who called it psychic impotence, it is a psychological complex that is said to develop in men who see women as either saintly Madonnas or debased whores. Men with this complex desire a sexual partner who has been degraded (whore) while they cannot desire the respected partner (Madonna). Freud wrote, "Where such men love they have no desire, and where they desire they cannot love." Clinical psychologist Uwe Hartmann wrote in 2009 that the complex "is still highly prevalent in today's patients".

In case you are unaware The Madonna is a painting of a depiction of Mary, mother of Jesus. A whore is a whore. I’m sure 98% of you know what that is. Plus the explanation above states it.

I’m a whore when I should be a Madonna because I wrote about sex. MY own sexual experiences. My own sexual experiences which I enjoyed! As a Madonna I shouldn’t like it. Im a Mom & I’m a grandmother so sex shouldn’t even be on my radar.

Maaaaan listen, I’m not dead. I’m 46 (going on 47) and ALL my parts work perfectly fine. Better than fine actually.

Although at present I am not having sexual relations with any one in particular, the prospect of, is exciting. I’m open (nooooo not in that way) to the option.

Why should I be labeled a whore because I like sex? Don’t you? Have I had sex with a lot of partners? What’s the definition of “a lot of?”

How many partners is too many or too few?

Also, what business is it of yours if I have? You think because I post on this app, gives you the right to judge me? Because I’m sharing? I get that if I share, I have to handle what comes with it. Reader(s), if your opinion is constructive or even rude to the point where I giggle because it’s so insane, THAT I can handle but that’s not what’s happening.

It’s just so weird to be judged for something that most people also love. Is that the basis of hypocrisy? I think it is.

It’s ok though. I’m not going to judge anyone for liking sex. It’s not my business.

You know the best thing about this whole thing is I AM the Madonna and I AM the whore.

When I write that I’m not talking about what Freud thought. This isn’t about a man. Not for me anyway. My sexuality is about me. I am those two things concurrently. There’s no harm in that.

I love me and the opinion of those who don’t increase my worth, in any of the fundamental ways, is ever going to change that.

XOXO

Thanks for Reading

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latina4rmbx · 8 months

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Flowers

I bought myself flowers today To mourn the girl I was yesterday and celebrate the woman I will be tomorrow

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latina4rmbx · 9 months

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Am I Lonely or Am I Bored?

I want to put a disclaimer here because of my followers who read this, will know I'm referring to them, if I am in fact, referring to them. I won't say your name(s), I promise.

So here's my dilemma. I am single. No, that's not my dilemma, bare with me. I already feel this is going to go off on a tangent, but I'll try to reign in the scattered thoughts.

A friend of mine asked me why don't I get my degree and go into therapy. HAHAHAHAHA, not that I NEED therapy (I'm sure I do) but that I should become a therapist. I've said this before, but it should be repeated.

I explained that I have no degree and if in fact I do return to school to become a therapist or psychologist, if I had to start all over, I'd be getting a degree at 50 then having to intern and do a residency (because if I'm going to do therapy, I'm going to do it BIG). That's too much time, I don't have and too much money, that I also don't have.

Not saying that I can't do it. I could, but the thought of going back to school turns my stomach. Even and especially on line. I have never actually done on-line classes and I know for an absolute fact that I'm an in-class learner. Not stadium seating either. I like small classes, I sit in the first or second row, ask questions, pretend I understand what I'm saying...so on and so forth.

I mention this to remind you, because I haven't in a while, that my people come to me for advice, even though they know for an absolute fact that I do not have all my shit together. It's appreciated. Honestly.

So a few of these friends have been fairly low when they contacted me and they have told me the same thing. When I say they, I DO mean more than 1 person and on more than 1 occasion. I'm not exaggerating for effect, I promise you. I'd tell you.

The theme of these conversations seem to be loneliness. They have all told me they are lonely. I listen and I explain to them that they're better off lonely than being in horrible relationships where they aren't appreciated or loved the way they should be. I have told every single one of them...I can't relate.

Here's the friggin' kicker, because they have emotionally poured out to me, I tend to sit with the conversation and just consider what I should've said that might've had more tact (I'm definitely not an expert) or maybe I should've said something and didn't. Whatever the case is, I tend to rethink some of the things we converse about. Please don't think that I say things meanly and what you say doesn't affect me. It does, I just don't hold on to it nor internalize it. It's not my burden to bear.

I digress!

As I am considering these other people's feelings, I tend to place myself in their shoes. When I do this, not only do I place myself in their shoes with their experiences but I also put myself in their shoes with mine. Let me explain!

I put myself in their shoes and I wonder if I should be feeling the same. Do I have a damper on my emotions where I refuse to feel loneliness?

NAH!!!

So let me explain. Think of being lonely. You have no one to speak to. You have no one to go out with. You have no one to cuddle with.

Guess what, being bored makes you feel the same.

It still poses the question: Am I bored or am I lonely (or however I posed it above).

Let me look for the definitions of both words to see if there is some sort of correlation I can make between the two to explain myself.

Bored: Feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one's current activity.

Lonely: sad because one has no friends or company

Can you see the correlation? I hope so, at present, I do not have the presence of mind to explain it. I can see the string that connects them but it's so difficult for my mind to articulate what I want to say and for that I sincerely apologize.

Back to me (shoo). I think we need one morek definition before I go on.

Weary: Feeling or showing tiredness, especially as a result of excessive exertion or lack of sleep.

Ok, i had to add weary to this list because I wanted to make sure that it didn't mean something similar to sad. No, what I wrote above wasn't the only definition, but the others don't mean sad either.

Ok, now really back to me. I put myself in their shoes and then wonder if this is how I should be feeling?

If I tell you how many times I've had to tell a person that I love myself, like truly and deeply love myself you'd ask why. Are you asking why now? Ok, you pulled my arm. I've said it because I truly love my own company. I love driving alone with the music loud and the windows down. I love sitting in bed reading a book alone with my thoughts. I thoroughly entertain myself, but at times I get BORED.

I wouldn't mind sharing some time with another human being, but I'm truly an empath and i draw others feelings into me. They may feel better, but I need to rethink about the conversation and what's making me feel empty, sad, angry, etc and then let it go.

Remember I said I don't internalize anyone else's BS? I guess that's sort of true. I don't internalize other's BS for long. I feel what I need to feel to fill my cup and then I let it go. There are times and situations that are a little harder to let go, but trust me, if I can compartmentalize my own trauma, I can compartmentalize yours.

Someone might say, but Sadness, that's not letting go. Trust me, I say it that way, but I definitely let it go because what I can really do? I am limited in the way I can help you. I started asking: Do you want Fluff or Tough?

Wanna know a secret? I'm not great with the fluff (SHHHHH)

But in all seriousness, there isn't much I can do, but I can listen, I can advise and then I do this...this is my speciality, I ask heavy questions. I ask "how does that make you feel?" because sometimes I need to understand how that experience is making you feel. It how I best pull my advice.

But I ask the heavy questions, more introspective questions. What did you do to cause that? What is it about you that you're allowing that? What is it you don't see within yourself that is causing you react in this manner?

The best thing is I think I'm so smooth, I tell them "you don't need to answer me now. Think about it and get back to me...or not". Is that douchebaggery? It's probably douchebaggery and I'm sooooo sorry.

But yes, I don't know the answers to those questions above. Only you do and only you can answer them. Just like a therapist, I'm not here to give you the answers, I'm here to help you draw out the answers yourself. You need to do the work. I'm doing the work.

NO, i'm not in therapy. Yes, I need it. Eventually, I'll get to it. At present, THIS is my therapy.

So am I lonely or just bored? If i'm honest, I'm sometimes one and sometimes the other and I'm absolutely ok with that. I love myself for being self aware enough to realize that. Like I said, I love my company and I give pretty good advice so giving myself pep talks and advice and strategies for the day...I mean who could be better?

Well familia, I'm exhausted and I should go to bed. Goodnight!

XOXO

Thanks for reading

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latina4rmbx · 9 months

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I Am a Killer

Shocking!

I'm watching this show on Netflix and I'm like 2 or 3 seasons in. Maybe 12-16 episodes watched and this is what I've learned (I've also learned this with life, but that's a story for another day).

You aren't supposed to speak ill of the dead. Right? What if the person who has perished was your tormentor? Are you supposed to speak of the good times? What if there weren't any?

I'm watching people speak of the deceased and of those who are incarcerated and I see an underlying theme: You don't know who someone is when they're around another person.

Your family may consider you to be the gentlest, most humble and caring person in the world. Is that who you present yourself to be with everyone around you? Do you treat your partner with that same gentleness, humbleness or care?

Do you know how many serial killers had families who loved and adored them and had ZERO clue that they were capable of murdering anyone? Let alone murdering several someones?

Yes, i want to see from the families perspective that their brother or sister or mother or daughter or son or dad was amazing, but I also am paying attention to the prisoner when they say he/she beat me or pulled a knife out on me.

The adage of: "You never know what happens behind closed doors is so true." You don't. Unless someone is willing to open the door for you.

I'm not judging anyone on the show. Not the person who has taken a life and most definitely not the deceased. I'm just saying, you don't know who a person is until they let you in completely and most people don't know how to surrender that type of power to another.

Reserve judgments for whatever higher power you believe in. You live your life and you live in your truth with any individual who is graced with your presence. The universe or God will handle the rest.

Be kind to yourself and to others (did I just quote Jerry Springer?")

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

#love #family #sadness in the mundane #blog #my thoughts #thinking #meaning #adulting #life #books #jerry springer #i am a killer #netflix #netflix series #compassion #hurt #unalive #incarceration #serial killer

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latina4rmbx · 10 months

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Value & Body Count

This is going to be sort of a stream of consciousness post. A train of thought, if you will. I promise, it will make some semblance of sense in the end.

Yesterday I watched "Betrayal" on Hulu. It's only a three-part series, based on a REAL woman's experience finding out her husband betrayed her (hence the name) by cheating on her multiple times and sexually abused a student (multiple students, I'm sure but we'll stick to the one this documentary focuses on). This series comes because of a podcast. I didn't really get into the nitty gritty on the podcast. Maybe, wife, wanted to share her feelings and her situation so that if anyone is going through the same can know they're not alone. I do recall there was a part where she asked if anyone has slept with her husband to call in.

Here is where my stream of consciousness comes in.

This reminds me of a tiktok I saw of a lady gagging because SHE listened to a podcast and she would be deemed the "ideal" woman because she has only had 1 man in her entire life.

You know when I say "had 1 man", I mean she's only had sex with one man in her life. So when you see me refer to women has "having or having had a number of men" i mean sex. Otherwise I'd use the word fucking.

Continuing...

She went on to say that she would be horrified if her daughter or daughter in law would feel less than because they have had multiple partners. Let me interject here because I do not know that her daughter nor sons are actively engaging in sex, so when she said it it was more like when the time comes and they're fucking around good for them.

Sorry returning to my thought...

She doesn't want her daughter or any potential partners of her sons, to look at her as the "ideal" woman because she was lucky enough to marry the man she lost her virginity to and still be married to him today (God bless that union).

Train of thought gets switched to another lane...

Which led me to think of a conversation I had with a really good male friend...Uh wait!

Which lead me to remember a podcast post I saw on IG regarding a women's value based on her "Body Count."

See how my train of thought is CRAZY?!?!?

The video was of a group of men and women speaking about how lower or higher the body count of a woman seems to be more intrinsically linked to her value than it is of a man. Meaning, the higher the body count, the lower the value. They weren't opining because that's what they believe, they were speaking more of societal misconceptions.

Now it brings me to the conversation I was having with my friend. A lot of times, women have a high body count because things have escalated to a point where a woman doesn't know if she says stop if the request would be honored and all of the repercussions that comes with that. Women tend to have a higher "body count" because they feel they have put themselves in positions where "No" isn't an option.

He was shocked by this revelation. I told him: I'm sorry to break it to you buddy, but I'm almost certain, not everyone who's had sex with you wanted to.

This surely is a taboo subject, but a subject that should be broached. Men do not have to worry (at least not always right?) whether a woman is going to strangle her in the back of a car because of rejection. Men get stalked but women get killed.

You may think, this is a far jump, but it's not. Unfortunately, in society today, men tend to have a sense of entitlement. They are entitled to X, Y and Z. I put in all that effort and she didn't comply with the program. I'm not talking books or movies or podcasts. I'm talking real life.

How many women have been assaulted because she rejected a man? I was trying to find the stats on line, but it got brutal. Men are killing women due to rejection, however I don't want to pull those numbers because they can very well be inflated or singular and I'm trying to be fair. The information I did find was Intimate Partner Crime, but I'm not speaking just from a DV standpoint.

If/When I find credible information I will post it. At present, I'll keep on chugging along.

How many women have been assaulted because she rejected a man? A lot! You know the saying "1 is too many?" Yeah, 1 is too many. A woman can't even walk down the street and say No Thanks without fear. How is that a way for us woman to live?

I digress, and I apologize. Back to the conversation with my friend...

Body Count: Sometimes a woman's body count is high due to fear. Please don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean the man in this scenario has actually done or said anything to make the woman fearful. Past experiences may have her brain wired to "If I say no, I'll get hurt." Then she may rationalize with herself. "It's just sex. A few minutes and it'll be over. It's just my body..." etc. All of the thoughts that may run through a woman's mind to convince herself to follow through. Believe me, it happens more often than not.

This is why consent is so important, but that's for the end of this post.

So why would the number of men a woman has had sex with affect her value? Why would society care? How would you even know? Why do women feel the need to lie about how many intimate partners they've had? Why should it matter? These are legitimate questions I'm asking.

For any person with a dick dangling between their legs who may decide to respond to the above questions, please don't respond from a societal or religious standpoint. I'm asking YOU, why does it matter? Why do you feel a woman has less value if she's slept with more men? I'd love to know your thoughts honestly, as long as you keep it respectful.

Women! Girls! Ladies! Your value is not tied to how many people you lay with. Like I said, you can always lie and no one has to know, but that is up to you to share. Your value is tied to how you regard. yourself. You are a Queen and it is your right to uphold yourself as one. Don't tell me Queens don't have multiple lovers LOL. I'm just saying if you want to save yourself for marriage, ala Jane the Virgin or you want to screw every Tom, Dick & Harry, ala Samantha on Sex and the City, that is your prerogative. No one should judge you off of your choices.

You may say, well, she's obviously more Samantha than Jane and I will say You are abso-fucking-lutely correct, but I have daughters and a grand daughter and nieces and little girls whom I love who's value, in my eyes, will not change due to whatever part of the spectrum they fall under.

Women should be free in their sexuality. Not be ashamed of it.

Back to consent...This is why consent is so important in this day and age. Conversation, Conversation, Conversation is the most honorable thing you could ever have with someone. Honest conversation that is.

Getting to know someone is a huge deal now. What I have learned and have seen is this: Although someone may present themselves as one way today, they may very well be someone totally different. Follow your gut. Once you feel they're kicking up your anxiety, high tail it out of there. Sometimes it's NOT butterflies. Try to keep aware of that.

Even if a person (this is men and women) misrepresents themselves, there are conversations that should be had. Stand firm on your boundaries. Tell them the hard No's. You can explain, or not, why they're hard No's and someone who respects you will respect that. This is a way to weed out the riff raff from the prince.

We have been so conditioned to believe that toxicity and anxiety is love. That we have to stick it out through the bullshit because there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Yeah, ok, this may be true. I'm almost certain this is true, but you don't have to. You don't have to stay for the sake of the children or the sanctity of marriage or business. You don't fail because your marriage didn't work out. IT failed, not you. Not if you put everything you could into it and tried to do what it takes to function. Sometimes things just don't work and we have to be ok with that.

Before someone comes for me, I'm not saying to leave that man/woman alone. I'm just saying if you're losing more than you're gaining what are you staying for? There is strength in admitting defeat. Staying with a partner that doesn't respect you isn't giving up, it's choosing yourself and I wish more people got this.

Consent, I'm sorry I went off on a tangent. Consent is very important. Now, you know those little flirty overtly sexual conversations you have when you're chatting with someone and getting to know their likes and dislikes? Well, that shit changes and it changes fast. I may want you to finger my ass today, but not really feeling it tomorrow. You get what I mean? So consent should be a constant live thing in your love life. Ask the question, do you want to do this? How do you want me to do that? Because it changes on a daily. Depending on the weather and the feeling.

Mind you, consent isn't just for women. Men also should be giving consent. Do you want your ass fingered? lol (I'm probably going to lose my 4 male readers with this one). But seriously though, these are ongoing conversations. The sounds a person makes because something feels good today may not be what they want tomorrow, ya dig? So continually ask for consent ask make it dirty talk if you can? I won't regale you with my top notch dirty talk, lol. Just figure a way that works for the both of you.

I will end it like this...A woman's value shouldn't go based off the number of men she has slept with. Her value should be based off how she treats you and serves you and loves you. The same for a man. His value isn't based of the amount of money he has in the bank or the type of car he drives. It should be based off of how he treats you and serves you and loves you.

This is a two-way street and you better make sure you look both ways before crossing.

XOXO

Thanks for reading

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latina4rmbx · 10 months

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Jane the Virgin

This is the second time I am watching this show. If memory serves me correctly, I might've blogged about it back while I was watching it.

What I don't recall seeing, when I originally watched the show was episode ninety-nine.

Episode Ninety-Nine wasn't an actual program. It was a BTS scenes look at some of the plot twists and we got a glimpse of what Jane the Virgin means to the people who are part of the show. The EP and the main characters.

The show is about family. I wasn't going to say this but it made me miss my grandmother so much. She was our strength.

The show was written like a telenovela. I understand that some of you don't know what a telenovela is so I'll break it down in the simplest of terms.

A telenovela is a Spanish Soap Opera, but unlike English Soap Operas, they end. Not every telenovela gets wrapped in a bow and ends things tidily. But this one did.

It made my heart feel like it was glowing.

As I type here and revisit some core memories, I cry and understand why us latinas are as dramatic as we are. If you've ever seen a telenovela you'd understand. Susan Lucci level drama, I tell you.

However, I want to focus more on the strength. Mainly the strength of women. We go through hardships in life and in love, but we rarely give up our strength. Even when it looks like we have taken the backseat to a man or to our children or even our workplaces, we are fierce and we are strong. That's not just for latina women either. All women.

So I guess this is a love note to women. Embrace your femininity. Embrace who you are and what you present to the world. Embrace YOUR beautiful heart and always always always keep your strength.

That strength is the core of who you are and no one can take that from you. Regardless of how that looks because strength comes in many different forms. Just because my strength doesn't look like your strength it doesn't mean you're being strong with all of your might.

I applaud you! I love you! I aspire to be all of you at one time or another in my life.

To the women in my family, y somos muchas, I see you. I see to the core of you and I love every messy, dramatic, misunderstood, complicated beings you are. Thank you for making me who I am.

To the woman i love with all of my heart, for ever and ever and ever, my Abuela. i miss you so much and I thank you for being patient with me and loving me unconditionally. For showing me what real love looks like. For never judging me and for always allowing me to make mistakes and always being there when I fall. I will go to sleep tonight with a heavy heart because you are not here, but that just means that there was an abundance of love.

XOXO

Thanks for reading

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latina4rmbx · 10 months

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It's Bigger than Me...

Received a phone call and I was asked what does this mean...Depends on who said it, right?

It's bigger than me...It could relate to children, a marriage, GOD!

But what does this mean? It's bigger than me?

Does that mean you don't know what to do or that there are circumstances that are beyond your control? What can you control? Your emotions? Your reaction? What you allow? Are those bigger than you too?

So what is bigger than you? What is the circumstance?

Ok, I'm beating a dead horse. Here's my reaction to that comment...What is bigger than you? What do YOU mean by that? Explain what's bigger than you so I can see if I want to/can/will handle it. Say it with your chest meng!

Just come straight out and say what it is, don't give a BS phrase stating it's bigger than me. Shit, it's bigger than me too but I'll be upfront and explain what it is so you can see if you want to/can/will handle it.

I refuse to understand it. I'm going to leave you with this...If you can't be upfront and explain what exactly is "bigger than you," then don't say the words.

I get it if you have to take a minute to explain it. If you need to get your thoughts together. I give you that, but don't drop an open ended bomb on me like that and expect me to be pleasant. I'm an overthinker and I'm going straight to doom & gloom. You've been warned.

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

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latina4rmbx · 10 months

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Why I Read...

For those of you who don't know me IRL, I am an avid reader. Like anything in my life, I do it nonstop for a period of time and then give it up for a period of time. Not sure if that's balance, but this is how my mind works.

I was talking to a gentleman friend and he asked me about the last book I read. I believe he asked me what I was reading at the moment and I informed him that I wasn't reading anything. He asked me why

Here's part of the point of the post. I truly have to thank him because he's the reason behind the inspiration.

I said: You know when you're binge watching a show and it ends? Either the season or the series? Sometimes you need to wrap your mind around the ending. Let it sink it or simmer into the recesses of your mind and heart and soul.

Ok, I didn't say all of that. But the sentiment is there.

He said: Yeah I can get that. You're letting the finishing of the book leave your system (or something to that affect).

EXACTLY!

I read and when I finish a book, sometimes it takes days or months for me to stop thinking of the book. It needs to leave my mental portfolio before I can start on a new journey.

Then he said this: You know they say reading sometimes is better than watching it on TV or a movie.

Me: Yes, because of your imagination

There you have it folks. My imagination (or yours) is what propels what is being read forward. If a writer is good, you're able to imagine where and how and why. If a writer is better, you're able to feel and taste and smell.

I've probably said it before but for those of you who don't know, I have an active imagination. I may not be able to do all the things I imagine, but I am able to imagine myself and picture things so vividly. It's why I write, honestly and I write the most mundane things. Regular ol' day to day stuff. I don't have a lot going on in my life, but I have a lot of stuff going on. Things that I may share. Things that aren't mine to share, yet.

However, its the imagination of the mundane that gets me through another day, another week, another month. Even if my real life doesn't turn out the way my imagination sees it, I'm ok with that. My life is pretty great. I wouldn't trade that boredom for all the chaos in the world. Luckily, I don't have to.

You may want to know what book I was reading that prompted the exchange above (or not). It was Reminders of Him by Colleen Hoover. As a matter of fact, I'll just give you a little list at the end of this little rant and you do with it as you want. I promise, I'll only write the ones that affected me in some way.

At present, meaning TODAY, I am reading Darling Venom by Parker S. Huntington. It's the first time I'm reading something by this author. I'm loving the book. I'm almost done with it.

I have this weight on my chest because I saw a review of the book and the lady was bawling. Although the book has made me tear up a couple of times, I feel the steam building up and I'm afraid I'm going to blow. I hope this book scars me...in a good way. It's what I'm anticipating. Parker, don't let me down :)

Well guys, let me try to finish this book in the hour before I have to log in to work. Below is a list of reading material that I like/love. Again, do with it what you will.

Until next time family.

XOXO

Thanks for reading

______________________________________________________________

Reading List/Suggestions/Books I Love (In no particular order):

Reminders of Him - Colleen Hoover

Where We Belong - Emily Giffin

Something Borrowed - Emily Giffin

The Midnight Library - Matt Haig

Something Blue - Emily Giffin

The Rescue - Nicholas Sparks

Me Before You - Jojo Moyes

How the Garcia Girls Lost Their Accent - Julia Alvarez

The Divinci Code - Dan Brown

Small Great Things - Jodi Picoult

A Spark of Light - Jodi Picoult

The Left Behind Series - Tim LaHaye

The Wedding - Nicholas Sparks

The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue - V. E. Schwab

Sundays' at Tiffany's - James Patterson

The Book of Two Ways - Jodi Picoult

The Lottery - Shirley Jackson

The Time Traveler's Wife - Audrey Niffenegger

It Ends with Us - Colleen Hoover

The Last Letter from your Lover - Jojo Moyes

The Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer

The Maze Runner Trilogy - James Dashner

The Game Series - Terry Schott

Divergent Series - Veronica Roth

Everything Everything - Nicola Yoon

I found a list in my Notes on my Phone. These don't have the authors names (some may be repeated above):

The Alchemist

Fahrenheit 451

The Game Series

The Left Behind Series

The Giver

The Receiver

1984

Call Me by Your Name

Small Great Things

A Spark of Light

Sapiens & Homo Deus

How to Win Friends & Influence People

11/22/63

The True Blood Series

Paradise Lost

Paradise Found

Sloppy Seconds: The Tucker Max Leftovers

The Gift of the Magi

The Lottery

The Divine Comedy

The Scarlet Letter

Anything by Edgar Allan Poe

The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao

How the Garcia Girls Lost their Accents

The Book Thief

The Kite Flier

If I Stay

Where She Went

Anything by John Green

Inferno

Digital Fortress

Angels & Demons

The Lost Symbol

Origin

Deception Point

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latina4rmbx · 10 months

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Sometimes a Short Term Loss is a Long Term Gain

I will not be giving you any financial advice. As a matter of fact I probably can (a little) but I am not expert with finance soooo take what I say at your own risk.

Short Term Loss is a quick loss of money. Right? 401K, Stocks, Bonds, CD’s…adding funds into these accounts are short term losses. You have to spend money to make money, so on and so forth. However, the interest rates may net you a long term growth. Meaning you’ll be making money on top of money you’ve made. With me so far?

You’re not? Yeah me neither. Initially this quote is regarding heartbreak. Letting go of what’s not good for you (short term loss) will yield you peace and tranquility, after all the tears (long term growth).

I mean it’s really that simple. If I weren’t sitting in my car in the parking lot of a supermarket I might expand on that more. However, I am sitting in my car in the parking lot of a supermarket that has just opened up so I gotta bounce.

Like I said, I’m not a financier. The quote was taken to imply my love life, at the time.

Left him for the peace I have now.

#winning

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latina4rmbx · 11 months

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3 Things You Could Never Buy: Respect, Loyalty & Integrity

Respect: a feeling of deep admiration for someone or something elicited by their abilities, qualities or achievements.

Loyalty: the quality of being loyal

Loyal: giving or showing firm and constant support of allegiance to a person or institution

Integrity: the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles

The 3 qualities listed above are rare in this day and age. They say the internet is forever, so when I say this "day and age" I'm talking about 2023. That's the year we're in.

The year I was born was 1977. Look how far 1977 looks from 2023? They're definitely not in the same century but it looks so odd to see.

Being born in the late 70's, I was around when the internet was born. Before Social Media and "Likes" and "Followers." I know what it is to look through an encyclopedia and what the Dewey Decimal System is. The Dewey Decimal Classification, colloquially known as the Dewey Decimal System, is a proprietary library classification system which allows new books to be added to a library in the appropriate location based on subject.

I know what it is to take a picture on a camera and not know how it's going to look before the film is developed. Waiting a week for the pictures to be developed at Woolworths.

I know I'm making myself sound older than I feel, but these are facts, not something I'm conjuring up in my brain.

I activated my first social media account "AIM" when I was maybe in my early 20's. I had a Juno email address, LOL. who remembers Juno?

With the advent of The Facebook, I had it when I had a college extension

Side Note: Facebook was originally known as "The Facebook" and you had to have a college email address to get in. Mine was @lehman.cuny.edu. (I wonder if it's still active?)

With the invention of Facebook, The Facebook's predecessor, then came other socials like MiGente, MySpace, BlackPlanet, etc. I might've mentioned these before in past posts. A few were "hook up" sites, but I never really understood that, until (dare I say it) more recently.

Things got wild when Instagram came into the picture. Let me tell you right now, Instagram is my most favorite of the socials, but even my most favorite is tiring me out.

Here's the thing, the internet was to keep people connected. Even this Tumblr's purpose was to originally keep people connected in a way that's more a newspaper and less magazine.

Instagram came out and it was a happy free-for-all. You know damned well, no one is happy 100 % of the time. If they are, they are on good drugs and I need to be signed up for that!

No one is happy 100% of the time, however the perception of these social medias was...I putting my best foot forward. You're only going to see me at my best.

Mind you, I say perception, because all anyone really wants to post is the happy thought.

Side Note: I once told someone I have an tumblr account and he said "what are you an emo teenager?" Should I be offended? Should you?

If everyone is only posting the good sides of themselves, those who have grown up (or are growing up) and will never know what MySpace or The Facebook is. Their entire lives there was always an IG, when their minds are forming and they're trying to figure themselves out what is going to happen?

You emulate what you see the most. If everyone around you is seemingly always happy, but that's not how you feel, what happens? You end up feeling conflicted and lonely and like no one understands you (sounds like a regular teenager to me). If the people you look up to glamorize guns or drugs or partying and not having any responsibilities, what will you aspire to be?

I promise I'll get back to the quote.

Please understand that this is all perception. You're perceiving this person to not have responsibilities. That MAY be the truth. They may be struggling too, but that's not what they're showing you.

Back to Social Media...It was invented to keep people connected. Look at your friends/followers list. Shoot, look at mine? I have people from Cali to PR to Turkey on my page. People I actually know in real life.

If not for social media, I wouldn't have seen my nephew (California) in his prom attire. If not for Instagram, I wouldn't have known the O Twins are going to 3rd grade (Turkey).

I wouldn't have found my sister that I hadn't seen since I was 7 years old. So I'm not saying there is not GOOD in socials. There is a lot of good. Here's where the floor gets sticky.

Respect

I respect every and anyone's beliefs as long as they're not trying to shove those beliefs down my throat nor bringing harm to anyone.

People lose their damned minds when it comes to social, political and religious issues. There are somethings I have to draw a hard line at.

Trans/Queer hate, I won't have it. They are people. Who gives a flying flag who they sleep with or who they present as. They want to be respected as much as anyone else.

Political Belief systems are great, if you know what you're talking about. A lot of time someone is repeating what someone else said because it aligns with what they feel. Doesn't make it truth.

Religion is hard one. Some people believe in something. As a matter of fact, all people believe in something. Even if it's the belief that they believe in nothing. No higher power, no reincarnation, we just live and die. That's great. You believe in yourself and that's good enough for me.

However, social media has given us, it's users, the platform to word vomit (how ironic huh?) all of our thoughts for other people to see and acknowledge. That's ok. What is NOT ok is the lack of respect and boundaries. Why am I blaming social media? I'm actually not trying to. It's people. PEOPLE RUIN THINGS!

Before SoMe, no one dared speak of political leanings. You were Republican or Democrat or Conservative and you cast your vote and came out and no one knows you voted for Nixon.

Now, every blanket thought that comes to some peoples brains are put up and like I said before...they say the internet is forever people. So all of those rants and raves you have vomited off your tongue are saved somewhere and sometimes it will bite you in the ass.

Remember that the next time you upload a picture of yourself in Bunny Pajama's (I'm talking about myself because I surely did that)

Loyalty

We have forgotten what it means to be loyal in todays society. We live in an era where communication is instantaneous. Almost everything and anything we want can be found in the palm of your hand. I can be delivered or waiting for you. Instant gratification has made us forget what it is like to wait in anticipation for something.

I will admit, I am guilty of this. I'll Instacart some shit. I pay for the convenience of not having to see commercials (or have someone else pay for it lol).

We realize that there are plenty of fish in the sea who share the same stupid ideals as we do. Maybe the same sense of humor. Maybe the same family members. Then it gets "hard" to be loyal because there's that over there and I want that but i should stay here.

Now, loyalty has it's cons. You can not be loyal to a fault. Where you see someone doing some dumb ass shit and allow them because you want to support them. No honey. That's not loyalty. Loyalty is unwavering in your support, but you don't support the dumb shit. You are able to tell your friends, that is some dumb shit and you shouldn't do it, but if you do I need video. That, to me, in loyalty.

To be able to have all of these options, but still remain where we are because i build you up when you're down and you build me up when I'm down and we love each other in spite of our stupidity.

That to me is loyalty. Not forgetting that this person has stuck by me through thick and thin and has loved me through the best of the best of me and through the worst of the worst of me. That to me is loyalty.

We need to instill that beefing with your friend just because your other friend is beefin' with them is blind loyalty. This is the loyalty people crave, but it diminishes the one emitting it. I'm not going to follow you off of a cliff just because you think it's fun. That is NOT my idea of fun.

The definition states CONSTANT support, not TOTAL. There's a subtle but most notable difference. I can constantly support you without being in total support of you. I am your person (be it family, significant other, friend) and I'm always going to be here for you. That is my loyalty to you. I will tell you when you playing dumb and being dumb, but won't dumb you down in front of other people (unless you trying to play me like I'm dumb in front of other people) because it's not their business and I'm loyal to YOU.

Integrity

Being honest and having strong moral values. The three, respect, loyalty and integrity, definitely go together. You lose one, you lose all three.

Be honest with people. Don't be honest to the point you're hurting them. I know some truths hurt and that's ok. Just don't be mean about it.

Having strong moral values will keep you from hurting those you respect and are loyal to. You eventually learn right from wrong. Cheating is bad, whether it's on a test or on a person.

This one is a bit harder for me. Here are the Values of the Wise:

Honesty: talking straight, being genuine and ethical (these may have to get broken down a little more but I don't want to insult whomever is reading this)

Courage: taking accountability for results, being up front about. mistakes and taking considered risks

Fairness: treating people justly and equitably

Respect: treating individuals with dignity

Caring: listening carefully to others, working together to achieve shared goals

Trust: keeping our promises

Please know that I am NOT high and mighty. I have faults because I am a spirit having a human experience. I don't think I'm better than anyone, even if my demeanor states otherwise. These Integral Values are the core of any society, but we lack them in the world.

We bullshit our ways out of everything. Trying not to hurt someone or as to not get in trouble of our own. We like to place blame on others and never say we're wrong. We don't treat anyone equitably. Go back a few paragraphs and re read my "I won't stand fors." We don't listen to learn anymore. We listen to respond without even considering how the other person may feel.

Please take a breath before you come for me. This went way longer and in depth than I originally anticipated.

Please recognize who you are and what you say and how it impacts the world. I am not perfect, not by any measure. I am perfectly imperfect. This is what my experiences have made me and I love every imperfect inch of myself for it.

Be back soon

XOXO

Thanks for reading

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latina4rmbx · 11 months

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Quotes for Stability

Hi!

I've been missing writing and have had some thoughts in my head that I just haven't gotten out. It's like i have the memory of a goldfish because its definitely fleeting.

Here's where the stability comes in. I have a bunch of quotes in my notes section of my cell phone. I post the quotes daily on my socials but I feel I can do more with them. So here's my thinking...

I will post a quote, if it's short, as the title of my posts here. Whatever feelings or memories or thoughts the post conjures up, that's what I will write about.

I need to hold myself accountable for my feed and I need to practice discipline in this particular instance. Force myself to get whatever feelings/thoughts/commentary that needs liberation out so that I can be more engaged with you and myself.

The first post will be named: 3 things you could never by: Respect, Loyalty & Integrity.

I hope I make you proud. I hope I make myself proud.

I thinking of setting a clock on my phone for when I should post. Eventually it'll become second nature, but for right now I'm going to need constant reminders. Here's the best part, I have this app on my cell phone and since my cell phone is always with me, whenever the alarm goes off, I can type my post and then go about my day.

Hopefully I can keep this up long enough for it to become a thing. I would really like for this to become a thing. What thing? Just something to keep my thoughts from invading at the most inopportune times.

Be on the look out. I want to start posting more steadily. I didn't start this Tumblr to let it fall by the wayside.

Wish me luck!

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latina4rmbx · 1 year

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Real. Not Real

I usually post about perspective and how people see things as people are and not as the situation actually is, but this time, this is about memory.

Memory is a tricky thing. You can trick yourself into believing something is true although it may very well not be. This could be due to circumstances that aren't very good or plain ol' good imagination. I have some situations where I don't know if the situation is real or not real so I'm just going to share a few of these with you.

REAL: I am an army brat. I grew up in military housing for a good portion of my young life.

REAL: I've lived in Texas and in Germany

REAL: I went to kindergarten in Germany

How old is a person when they're in kindergarten? 5? 6? The scenarios I will pose are during those 5 to 6 year old stages.

REAL: Living in Germany, my mom was a housewife. She made everything from scratch. Pies, cakes, cookies, even clothes.

Scenario 1: Outside of the living complex there was a field. to a 5 year old it looked like hundreds of acres of grass. I used to cross the road and eat the nectar from the stems. REAL? I'm not sure. Why would I be out there alone eating stems? How didn't I not kill myself? Did I know what I was eating?

Scenario 2: I came home from school, alone. My snack was Chips Ahoy cookies and Pepsi (at least I think it was Pepsi). I go to the bathroom because my stomach hurt and vomited all over the floor. I cleaned it up and no one was ever the wiser. REAL? Why would i be getting home alone? Where was my mom? Was she asleep? Why did I throw up and clean up and no one ever knew? I'm not too certain this one is real.

Scenario 3: Playing hide and seek and I got locked in the laundry room for what seemed like hours. I cried myself to sleep. REAL? I don't have the foggiest idea.

These 3 scenarios I specified above seem to be CORE memories for me, but in truth, I don't know if they actually happened. I like to joke and say I have a vivid imagination and that can be true, but to imagine a life and scenarios that didn't really happen and have my brain process them as core memories is a scary notion for me.

What else do I have in my brain? What other Not Real things happen that my mind processed as real? Can I trust my brain and my memories?

Scenario 4: I lived with my dad and his new wife in Texas, when I was about 7 or 8 years old. They were on the outs and she kicked him out. In doing so, she kicked me out too (not sure if she actually kicked me out or if the fact that I was his kid and not hers, he just took me with him) and we used to live in the car. REAL! We lived in the car for a couple of days. Maybe a week. I remember us eating a lot of Church's Fried Chicken.

Scenario 5: Before we got kicked out of the house, I used to walk to school on the side of the road and it seemed like I was walking hundreds of miles (so when people say: When I was your age I used to walk barefoot in the snow for 5 miles to get to school, they're not actually wrong. This is how they're small brains saw the trek). i had a bestfriend Susie who used to live in a lone house on the way to school. I would stop and pick her up. She had very long straight here. like down to her knees. One day I picked her up and her hair was short and very curly. REAL? Partly. Like I said, I did walk to school, alone, and I did have a BFF Susie who had long hair and one day cut it. The NOT REAL part is...the walk. I'm sure, at 7 or 8 years old, I wasn't allowed to walk long ways alone. I'm almost certain the school was maybe up the road (like maybe 3 city blocks). The fields weren't as long (because 3 city blocks) and Susie's house probably wasn't the only one on that side of the road. But yet again, another core memory.

Scenario 6: After the living in the car situation my dad and I moved in to a 1 bedroom apt. I used to drink Carnation Instant Breakfast every morning before school. He was teaching me to iron using a handkerchief and I burned my stomach. REAL! We did live in a one bedroom apartment. I slept on the pull out sofa in the living room. I drank the Vanilla Flavored Carnation Instant Breakfast (may be why I like Prolessa) and I have the burn mark to prove the whole ironing thing. Yes, over 30 years later, I still have the little line where the hot iron met my belly flesh :(

Scenario 7: I had never ridden the bus before (huh, this explains a lot, I'll tell you what I mean after this scenario) but my dad was in the military and he had to go to work. I had to go to school so I'd take the bus. There was another hispanic little girl in our complex who used to take the bus too. I was advised to get off the bus when she does, so I could make it home. At the end of the school day, I got off the bus and followed the wrong little girl to her complex. REAL! Now this was definitely before the age of Cellphones and I was only 7 or 8, maybe 9, so what would I be doing with money? I walked up and down a street that would be akin to lets say 3rd Ave and 145th Street. A street with lots of shops. I walk into a bar and a biker looking man asked me what was wrong. I was crying and I said I was lost and didn't know how to get to Prince Street. He said, I was just around the corner and walked me over. REAL? How the fuck do I know? Yes I did get off on the wrong stop and followed the wrong girl. I was walking up and down a street but in truth, I might've just been circling the same block. I did walk into a business crying and said I was lost, but I don't think I went into a bar. Why would I? I'm almost certain it wasn't a biker who helped me get home. Maybe just a kind older man (I have to say older because I'm older and I don't want to call him old, although that's how I saw him at the time, in case he was the age I am right now) who showed me Prince Street was just around the corner. Was the name of the street really Prince Street? No clue, but another core memory for the books because I distinctly remember saying Prince Street.

Side Note: The realization I made above has to do with my son. Mind you, he isn't 7 or 8 or 9. He is a 13 year old, intelligent young man. All his life I have driven him to and from school. I wanted to put him on the bus because them Bronx highways are always jammed with traffic, but was always too scared to. Why? I'm going to guess it's because of my little Scenario 7. I'd die if he got off on the wrong stop and he was lost. That's my shit though, not his. Now that I'm moving, I'm afraid to put him on the bus at the new spot because he's been getting driven to school and takes the bus home. What if he gets off on the wrong stop? I'd die if he gets lost. Did I mention that I'd die?

Scenario 7 (cont): When I finally got home, the little girl, her mother and my father were there waiting for me. i'm sure they were scared, but I have a feeling of, the mom was more scared for me than my dad. REAL? Who knows. What I do know now, but didn't know then was my dad and the lady had exchanged numbers and he wanted her to call him when her daughter got home to make sure I made it home. Oh boy, that must've been one doozy of a conversation. The next day, the little girl sat next to me and when I went to get up, at the wrong stop again, she stopped me. REAL? I believe so. I hope so.

I know these stories are boring. I'm not here really to entertain. At least, this post isn't for that. I wake up with these thoughts in my mind and I have to let them out. Mind you I've been awake since like 3 AM. Do with that, as you will.

The brain is a complex body part. It controls everything. Can you even fathom that? If what they say is true, we only use 10% of our brains, then the complexities are just beginning. The memories stored in our brains are for a reason. Either to help guide us. Like to use as a tool to do or not do something. Like, as a kid, you touch a flame. You burn yourself. your brain stores that into the "Do Not Do" column. Get it?

Memory is a trickier part of the brain. Memories can be manipulated. Obviously memories can be created out of fiction but there is something REAL in every NOT REAL. Something did happen to create that particular memory. It may not be exact, or even close to what your memory perceives it to be, but in the memory there is some core of truth. I mean, why in most of my CORE Memories I'm alone? That has to be the NOT REAL part of the memory. Who knows? That may be the only REAL part. Either way, accessing some of these memories, or when they flood in (and they do from time to time) I tend to pay attention to what I see in my minds eye. I try to take in the view and try to access the sounds, smell the smells.

Ok, last Scenario. Scenario 8: I lived in a military building in Germany (REAL). The complex was shaped into a 3 sided square (REAL?). In the back or the middle of the 3 sided square there was a playground (REAL). I used to play outside because our balcony faced the playground (REAL). The play ground always smelled like fresh laundry (REAL?). I fell and busted my chin open in said play ground (REAL).

The things that I mention above that are REAL, it's because I have tangible evidence (I don't have it on hand though) of their existence. I have pictures of the playground from our balcony (at least I hope it's our balcony or I really need to rethink my memory). The playground always smelled like fresh laundry is iffy. The laundry room was in the basement of the building. The vents did ventilate outside to where the playground was. I probably walked by those vents every time I went to the playground and it's why whenever I smell Downy I can picture the playground. Well as for the busted chin, you be the judge.

Well my sweets, I need coffee and badly. Thanks for joining me on the trip down memory (?) lane.

Thanks for reading

XOXO

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latina4rmbx · 1 year

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Online Dating

Hola Familia! I've taken on a new venture and it's been brief but insightful.

Yes family, I dipped a toe in the online dating pool. I won't get into the specifics of which pool I dipped my toe in but I've noticed a couple of things...

Women are considered desperate if they're doing online dating. Most men would say they don't consider the women desperate. As a matter of fact, the ONE man who answered the question said there's an unspoken rule to online dating that both want the same things, but in truth, that's not true.

There are different dating sites/apps for different wantings. Tinder is just for hook ups (although LOVE can be found on Tinder). Plenty of Fish can be used for hook ups and for true love, if that's what you're looking for. Ashley Madison is for the Married looking to venture outside of their marriage. Feeld is for couples who want to have someone join their already established relationships. There's OKCupid, Zoosk, eHarmony, Bumble, SilverSingles, etcs.

So depending on what you're actually looking for, I'm sure you can find it.

SIDE NOTE: I am no longer active on the dating site :)

Men tend to not listen to what women want, because they're on the dating site. I'll explain below:

I was "talking" to a gentleman from the dating site. We'd text and talk on the phone. It wasn't going on for long. A few days, maybe a few weeks. A couple of weeks.

Anywho, during our LAST telephone conversation, he mentioned the prospect of having children. Ok, what he asked was, "Do you want anymore children?"

Family, if you're new to this page or you've forgotten, I am a mother of 3 and a grandmother of 2 going on 3. I made a promise to myself that once I became a grandmother, I wasn't going to even entertain the thought of having children.

I am still of child bearing age (45) and my oldest is 30 and my youngest is 13. Yes, I had my children super young, at least the first two (14 & 18 years old) and I know that if I wanted it I COULD have a child. All the parts are functioning, if you know what I mean.

I adminantly and certainly and emphatically said "No, I don't want anymore children." His response was (brace yourself) "and what if I want to have more children?"

First off Mr. Man, I don't KNOW you. We've only just met and have been chatting on the phone for the past couple of days. No I didn't say this I just said: I don't care if you want kids, I'm a grandmother. That's not something I would want to do.

After that conversation we never spoke again, and that's ok. I heard what he was saying: "I should want to have children if I've found the guy I'm going to spend forever with, right?" Love makes you change your mind on all sorts of things. I get that. I understand that however having my children were never about the men (and YES I mean men). My children were, and have always been, about me.

I also promised myself when I became a grandmother, I knew it was going to happen to me while I was still young and I am grateful because I have enough energy (meh) to run around and play, I wouldn't have any more children. I know I went off on a tangent so let me get my thought process together so you understand.

I promised myself, when I became a grandmother, I wouldn't have any more children, no matter how old I was. I knew I was going to be a young grandmother because I had my girls young (I was 14 & 18). I knew that option was going to be taken or better said, I was going to be giving up that option at a young age and it's ok with me, because I don't want anymore children.

Why didn't he listen to me? Is it because I wasn't giving in to what he wanted? I'm not saying that he's a bad dude. On the contrary, he seemed legit up until that point.

So no, women who join online dating sites aren't desperate. Some just want a quick fuck or a free meal or to be part of a polygamous relationship. What you want is not a bad thing. What you don't want isn't a bad thing. You CAN have it all or have nothing, if that's what you choose.

Ladies, make sure you always choose yourself. If there is anything I've learned in the past 2 years, that's how long I've been single and getting to know myself, that it's not selfish to choose yourself. There is nothing wrong with choosing yourself. We're generally made to feel guilty for putting ourselves first, but in truth, how else will you take care of anyone else if you're not good?

Be good.

So online dating has helped me realize what I want, but it's also helped me realize what I don't and that's a beautiful thing.

XOXO

Thanks for reading

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latina4rmbx · 1 year

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For Fun...

Does anyone ever do anything for fun anymore? I mean, the kiddies know what fun is but when does the fun become work?

I'm not even sure I'm making sense.

For example, writing. I read. I'm an avid reader (like this blog, I do everything in spurts) and I see that most books I read, there's an Q&A. The most common question is: What is the author trying to convey?

That's a HEAVY ass question. What IS the author trying to convey? Why does he/she/they/them have to be conveying anything? Why can't they just be writing to write and YOU'RE seeing into it?

Do we write for fun anymore? This blog is my fun. For me, and I hope for you too but realistically, this isn't my job. So it's still fun. I feel if I HAD to do it, it wouldn't be fun anymore. I wouldn't be fun anymore.

The same goes for reading. In HS (and i'm EONS away from when I was in HS) I used to love to read. English was actually my favorite subject, but when I had to read, for the grade, I didn't like it so much. Don't get me wrong, I have read some amazing books in HS (may be banned now) and then I went to College and same deal: English, amazing subject, but I had to read for CLASS. FOR CLASS people! I had to read for a grade and I went into it with the mindset of: This shit is going to be boring. (it wasn't).

The books were amazing. They're still some of my favorites still, maybe I'll give you a quick list at the end of this brain dump. Back to what I was saying...The books were amazing, but the writing, although ALSO amazing, was sooooo not what I wanted to do. I didn't want to analyze the thought process of Poe OR what Milton was trying to convey. I just wanted to read a book and enjoy it.

Here's the kicker...As I grew up (still growing) I started analyzing the thought process of Poe and tried to consider what Milton was trying to convey. Was it school that taught me the art of the think OR was this always going to happen? Was I always going to read prose and stay stuck on a line or paragraph?

Do they write with the purpose of teaching? Is the person really trying to show me the vulgarities of life or were they writing with the intent of writing? Jotting notes and words on a page because they love it and then they have to go back into their words and see what mirror they were holding up for the world to see?

Then take the individual doing the reading. We all read and take what we want to take from it. We see things from our own perspective so what I may see as horrible, someone else may see it as hope. Again, we see perceive everything from our own experiences, not from the perception of others. What if we get it wrong? Who's to tell me it's wrong? What if I didn't learn anything and I was just entertained? Is that bad?

I don't know. I guess I'm just dumping my confusion on you. I'm sorry but thanks for joining me on this ride.

XOXO

Thanks for reading.

#books #prose #poe #milton #confusion #purpose #sadness in the mundane #love #family #blog #my thoughts #thinking #meaning #adulting #life

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latina4rmbx · 1 year

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Humble?

I don't think I'm hot shit. I'll go on record as stating, I don't think about myself in certain terms always. I never believe I'm the smartest, prettiest, coolest, etc.

Is that because I'm humble or is it because I'm fucked in the Brain? Those who know me will say that it's because I'm humble but those who REALLY know me will say it's because I've experienced a childhood of trauma that makes me feel irrelevant in even when I am the most relevant person during a situation.

Odd huh? I could unpack these thoughts and try to get to the root of my trauma. I'll save you time and I'll save myself $100/hr...YES I have trauma. My parents were fucked up. That's truly the long and short of it. I know where the trauma comes from and I know why I sometimes feel irrelevant.

Here's the thing though, I AM RELEVANT. YOU are relevant. One relevance doesn't negate the other.

Before I go into a dialogue on making you feel better about yourself I'm going to interject the part of me people love. It is also the part of me people love to hate...My honesty!

When I say YOU are relevant, I'm not saying you're relevant in my day to day life. I am saying that you are relevant in whatever capacity you show up to the world. Want to know why? Because you SHOWED UP! You fought the hard battle and you showed up. That ALONE is relevant.

When I say I am relevant, doesn't mean I'm relevant to you. I'm ok if I'm not, but you're missing out 😉

So what brought this on...I was told yesterday that I might've saved someone's life. I do not see it that way. I see it as I'm a friend and I did what I hope any friend of mine would do for me...send help.

Don't get it confused, I don't need help right now. I'm good, sad, but good. However, as a friend, I HEARD a friends cry for help without them actually asking for it. I knew they needed help because things didn't sound right to my ears.

In truth, if they didn't need help and I sent it anyway, all I did was show them that I care. Maybe a little exaggerated, but I care.

The saying "Not all heroes wear capes," doesn't have to mean that some heroes are regular people. It can mean that it can come from an unexpected place and you wouldn't recognize them. You know me? That's how I'm going to choose to view the phrase.

Please know that YOU are relevant. Regardless to what is happening in your life. Everything that happens in life is for a reason. You may have to learn a lesson or see a person for who they really are. It could also be what's needed to get you to the next step in your journey. You'll never know if you don't show up.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

That's me clapping for you for showing up.

That's me clapping for your effort.

One doesn't get more than the other. Putting in effort, even minimal (at least with life) is you showing up and you should be proud of that.

Please take this moment to show love to someone, anyone in your life and remind them how great the world is with them in it.

I love you back!

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

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latina4rmbx · 1 year

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Black Coffee ☕️

Good Morning Family. Some of you, even those who know me fairly well, don't know this...I drink my coffee black with 1 or 2 sugars, depending on the spoon/packet.

I'm going to be frank, I think of the things I post until it's a garbled mess and lose my train of thought, so this post may be all over the place. I will apologize in advance. Reminder, I have a ton of crap swirling around in this curly haired head of mine so here's sort of a mental dump.

This Thanksgiving my family and I rented an AirBNB in Bumpass, Virginia (The names of these cities are hilarious sometimes). It wasn't a warm "vacation" but it was definitely a beautiful space. On the last morning of our stay I went outside in my pajamas with a cup of black coffee in a black mug.

The coffee was piping hot and delicious and the air was brisk but not too chilly. As I sat and contemplated my life up until that point something happened. I'd get a bit of chill and taking a sip of my coffee warmed all the parts of me.

Have you ever played with snow, you're cold down to your bones but your mom or partner or friend gives you warm mug of tea/coffee/hot chocolate or a bowl of soup? You know that feeling when the warmth goes from your mouth down in to your soul? That's what those sips of coffee were for me. I even did my own little experiment. I sat there contemplating and every time I got a chill I took a sip and every single time the warmth hit.

It just made me grateful for all the little things that calm my soul.

Did you think this post was just about Coffee? Nah man...It's about being grateful. I don't know what you're grateful for but I have a host of people I am grateful for. Instead of listing names and probably forgetting some I'm going to share part of a conversation I had with a really good friend of mine:

I am and have been really lucky in my life. I have met some truly extraordinary people who have blessed my life in different ways. I don't feel I'm deserving of these angels that have been placed in my life for whatever reason.

I have to go a little back, I realize. Seems like I'm monologuing and although I AM on here there was more to the conversation (of course).

My life looks very different than it did last year at this same time. I won't get into the particulars. Those who are in the know, know. Those who aren't, will know in time. When I look back and see how and why my life is so different I see a sea of faces that makes my heart glow. Family & Friends who helped me through the worst of my life; shown me the beauty of what I have and the lessons in what I've lost. Some don't realize they're showing me how to move forward with life. Like I've said in previous posts, I find inspiration in everything.

So I have this village of people who have helped grow me in to the person who is typing right now and let me tell you I literally owe them my life.

There are some who have lifted me up behind the scenes and in small ways and there are those who have lifted me loudly, screaming and crying. If they read this, they'll know who they are.

I guess this became a dedication to those who I'm grateful for. ALL of you have made some sort of impact in my life. It's why I keep you around (because if you know me, I'm quick to kick a friend out of my life). You not only have told me what I've needed to hear, you've told me what I didn't want to hear. You've cheered me on when I was winning and consoled me when I was losing and every single time you were there. Who's luckier than I?

Thank you thank you thank you, from the bottom of my heart to the depths of my soul: Thank You!

Thanks for reading.

XOXO

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