#< which is how he's brought it up to sam himself in past seasons

[ardentpoop]

#i could try to write a cohesive caption but im tired and sad so messy notes in the tags it is #spn #liveblog tag #12.22 #it shouldnt have felt like such a weight off to hear dean recount how much pain sam's experienced like this but it was #saying ''he lost his soul'' like it was indeed something awful that happened To him as opposed to a ''mistake'' he made #< which is how he's brought it up to sam himself in past seasons #funny that it seems he's only able to acknowledge sam's suffering when sam isn't present. moreover - only when dean's suffering is #centered as well. inextricable from sam's bc of their shared upbringing #and only when there is a more culpable figure to bear the brunt of dean's feelings (often john and now for the first time mary) #she was dragged back to earth as a gift For You. she doesn't fit and the family she knew is gone and you have an idea of her in your head #that she will never be able to mirror in real life bc that mary never existed #and she's been tortured and brainwashed into killing people she knows and she's trapped in her own mind trying to seek solace in #a happy memory - a vestige of heaven which is a vestige of life #and she has no choice but to listen as you rip into her heart for choices that she already hates herself for #sam/mary parallels holding strong but as always sam got the short end of the stick #anyway. ow :) #tag vomit

[jogetsobsessed]

Little Life - Paul Lahote

It was a seasonably warm day as the sun shone through the canopy of the towering evergreens. The buzzing of honey bees darting from flower pot to flower pot and the rustling of squirrels running along tree branches. 

The small laughter and water splashing added to the forest's serenity. Hissing came from the grill as burgers and hot dogs were flipped. The sound of a soccer ball being passed back and forth and PG trash talk mixed with the Sunday afternoon melody. 

The creaking of the old porch swing, one that held so many core memories for so many different people creaked as your feet pushed against the old floorboards of Emily's front porch. 

Gazing out past the porch steps and into the vast front yard you couldn't help but smile when your daughter erupted into a fit of giggle as her dad cupped his hand and poured a small amount of water on her head. 

The wobbly water table was gifted to you and Paul from another young couple on the reservation after their son outgrew it. There was no doubt in your mind that it was gifted to them as well. You were probably the sixth or seventh family to own it. The years of usage were evident as the paint faded after spending long summers baking outside in the stuffy heat. But it didn't matter to your little girl. 

Since the rain had begun staying away and the temperatures started to pick up, the pack had gotten back into the routine of the weekly family-style barbecues. Today was the first day that it had been warm enough to break out the old water table and your daughter was jumping up and down with excitement when she saw Paul loading it up in the back of the pickup. 

You watched as she talked Jared and Kim's ears off and as they nodded along probably having no idea as to what the two-year-old was talking about. Paul pushed himself off the ground, leaving your daughter to talk about her nonsense, and strode towards you. 

Emily decided to go and find Sam at the grill to inquire about how much longer lunch was going to take, leaving the other half of the porch swing empty. She and Paul shared soft smiles as they passed each other on the front step. 

“Don't tell Em, but I think Kim has her beat for a favorite aunt,” you laughed at his statement. No matter how much your daughter loved Kim, she was always going to love Emily just a little bit more. Those two had been connected since you and Paul showed her off to the pack when she was just a few days old. Emily offered to be her babysitter when she found out you wanted to go back to work once your baby girl had hit eight months old. Which was an offer you and Paul gladly accepted, feeling at ease at the thought of your girl in the caring hands as special as someone like Emily. 

“Kim can butter her up all she wants but there is no way,” he laughed, this time wrapping his arm around your shoulder. His warmth brought you happiness and comfort even in the warm summer months. “What even is she talking about I don't know if I have ever seen Embry so confused". 

“I think she’s trying to tell them that story we read last night, but you know it's coming out of a two-year-old mind, one who fell asleep before she even heard the ending”. 

“Oh boy". 

-----------

“Sweetheart you need to come eat something”, you called over to where your daughter was still standing in the grass, playing with her toys in the shallow water of the play table. 

You saw her physically recoil at the thought of not playing so she could eat lunch and you couldn't help but roll your eyes. Why did toddlers have to be so defiant? 

After calling out to her a few more times you looked over at your husband who was standing at the grill with Sam, your pleading eyes burning holes into his. 

You watched as he pushed off the grill and waltzed over to the water table, crouching to your daughter's height. 

Everyone was invested in this battle between her and the two of you all of them turned from their spots at the picnic tables so they could see if Paul was going to be victorious. 

Your daughter seemed to be putting up a good fight, even cocking her hands on her hips as she tried to reason with her dad. But luckily, Paul knew how to resist the puppy dog eyes. 

After a long standoff, you could see your daughter starting to cave once she saw Emily come outside with a platter of freshly baked famous brownies. A few of the boys saw it, so they each grabbed a couple and threw them on their plates, talking loudly about how they wanted to eat the whole platter. 

That was enough for your little girl. She set her toys down and stretched her arms up towards Paul. Triumphantly, he picked her up and carried her towards the picnic tables, where you had a plate of pre-cut food waiting for her. 

“You need to eat your lunch, and then you can have a brownie that your aunt Emily just made. 

------------

The day faded into night as the cotton candy sunset faded into darkness. The glow of the fire lit up the front yard at Emily’s and provided enough warmth to ward off the brisk early summer nights. 

With great force, you had convinced your daughter to trade her polka-dot swimsuit for a light sweatshirt and sweatpants. 

Now she was sitting on Emily's lap, Sam helping her make another s’more. You knew all that sugar was powering her awake since she had skipped her nap earlier in the day. She had to have been exhausted, you knew that more likely than not Paul was going to be carrying her inside once you got back home. 

“How’d we get so damn lucky?” you and Paul were snuggled under a blanket the log the two of you were sitting on was just perfect in size for the pair of you. The clear night sky had caught your eye so you only hummed in response. No matter how many years you lived in the great Pacific Northwest, you would never get tired of its beauty. “More importantly, what did I do to deserve this perfect little life? I've got the most drop-dead gorgeous wife on the plane and the most perfect daughter”. 

“Yeah, I don't know how you swung that how much did you have to bride the big guy upstairs”, you cackled at your joke as Paul chuckled and pulled you closer. 

“You know your something huh”. 

“Says you”. 

You shared a nice moment of comfortable silence as both of you watched your daughter bounce around from pack member to pack member victoriously showing off the s’more that she assembled with the help of her favored aunt. 

“You wanna know something”, you questioned, your eyes never leaving your daughter. 

“What”. 

“I'm glad I get to live this little life with you”. 

#edward cullen #fanfic #imprint #paul lahote #paul lahote x reader #twilight #x reader #fem reader #sam uley #seth clearwater #jogetsobsessed

[watching-sam-and-dean-again]

Supernatural, Season 8 Sam Musings (Ranting):

There are many things I love about Season 8, like The church scene in Sacrifice, or the four (four!) brother-hugs we get throughout the season, or the moments of Dean trying to take care of Sam (even though Sam fights it), or having side characters that I actually like (for the most part … not Amelia), or the good moments of bad-brother-communication (there are some), but what I absolutely hate is the sacrificing of character for "story" that we see in this season.

So, shocking as this will be to the few who follow me or have read my thoughts (rants) before, but I’m a Sam-leaning brothers fan. And as someone who is Sam-girl adjacent, the beginning of Season 8 makes me ragey. Ironically, it was partially the "abuse" of Sam's character by the writers (among other things) that actually confirmed my tilt towards Sam because it forced me to think more deeply about Sam and his motivations. The writers also pulled some shady crap with Dean's character.

So, you can find my ramblings under the cut, if interested …

So, let’s tackle Sam's oft considered worst offense first: Sam not "looking for" Dean. What the actual fuck was this? I mean, I get it in theory; they brought Sam low in the start of the season, making him "betray" and "fail" Dean again, in order to high ten his rise to Savior Sam 2.0, but it was lazy writing, and almost unforgivable in two ways, out of character actions and failure to meaningfully explain said actions.

First, I’m sorry, but it’s just out of character to have Sam—Psychotic Without Dean—Winchester not look for his brother. We have so much canon proof of this that him not looking for Dean in season 8 is almost offensive. In "Faith" when Dean is going to die, Sam finds him to a "faith healer," and when it turns out another life was exchanged for Dean's, Sam obviously isn’t happy about it … but, I don’t exactly see him wishing to undo it either. In "In My Time of Dying," Sam is totally distraught throughout the entire episode because Dean is dying, even willing to embarrass himself in front of Dean by pulling out a "talking board" (or whatever it was called) just to try and communicate with him, and he wanted to save him so badly but didn’t know how. These two episode alone show us that Sam would not be okay with just "loosing" Dean, and that if Sam thinks there is even a hope of saving Dean, he isn’t just going to shrug and walk away. So, at the end of Season 7, if he thought Dean was still alive, the Sam we know should have been exhaustive,y hunting for Dean.

Second, if Sam thought Dean was dead, which I think was what the show was suggesting but could have made it more explicit, Sam should have been going insane, as he’s done in the past. In Mystery Spot, Sam basically becomes a revenge-driven automaton, even stabbing Fake Bobby in hope of getting Dean back. And when Dean is killed by the hellhound in "No Rest for the Wicked," Sam is destroyed. Season 4 shows us that Sam tried to trade his soul for Dean's, just an instant trade, but the demon wouldn’t deal. We see that Sam was full-on suicidal after losing Dean, basically attempting suicide by demon, drinking and taking pills. If Ruby hadn’t intervened (for her own evil purposes, but still…), he would have gotten himself killed, not might have. When none of the immediately self-distractive options worked, Sam once again went into full-on revenge mode. Sam without Dean, or at least Sam without a Dean alive somewhere in the world, is not okay. He is desperate and frightening.

Arguably, he’s not actually okay in Season 8 either, but his distress after losing Dean was too subtle, to the point that it almost makes him look a bit cold. So, to me at least, not seeing Sam very obviously fucked up, in some way beyond dating Amelia, over Dean's disappearance/death is a disservice to the character.

On the other hand, if the writers just needed Sam to not look for Dean because the drama was just too delicious for them … more important than, you know, staying true to character … then they should have bloody well shown us why. And showing us Sam shacking up with a bitchy pain in the ass Veterinarian was not giving him anything like fair treatment or good characterization, or understandable motivation.

Now, the subtext is that there was more going on in Sam's head than, "Oops, I hit a dog and met a rude vet. I guess I’ll just give up wondering if my brother is alive and move in with this woman who isn’t even particularly nice to me." He even said that hunting had gotten everyone he loved killed, and he that just "ran," in the first episode of the season. So, to me, this means Sam definitely thought Dean was dead, but the show doesn’t actually make it explicitly clear, at least I don’t think so. And this matters because there is a big difference between thinking Dean was lost and not looking for him VS thinking Dean is dead and not trying to sell his soul (or something else mystical and dangerous) to bring him back to life. It’s actually breaking the cycle and healthier for Sam to believe Dean is in heaven, and try to move on, but the show frames his actions, through Dean and Bobby as this huge failure of character. Also, Sam choosing running away from hunting (which has gotten everyone he loves killed) VS giving into revenge and basic insanity again, while not healthy in its escapism, is actually better than becoming an obsessive psycho. So, not just the fact that Sam didn’t look for Dean that is the problem, it’s the execution of how and why he didn’t look for Dean, or lack of exploration around these issues, that I’m especially annoyed by.

So, because we got what we got in the start of Season 8, my explanation to make it work, or headcanon, is that when Sam thought Dean was killed (not just missing) in the explosion of dick 😏, he utterly fell apart. As in, he collapsed in a heap and lost himself in his own head for a while. Maybe he even went a little insane again, sure that he was having a terrible hell-ucination again, even though Cas had supposedly taken his insanity onto himself at this point. Maybe he even feared he was still in the cage after all, and living through yet another nightmare scenario. So, Sam shattered. When he finally pulls himself together, he realizes he has two options, lose himself again in revenge and obsession over trying to bring Dean back to life, or give up the life that has brought him nothing but pain (and Dean, but Dean's gone now). So, he goes with the latter, thinking surly Dean would prefer that he try to live a normal, non-hunting life rather than utterly losing himself in suicidal behavior and revenge again … right?

What the show doesn’t bother to address either, and what many fans seem not to consider or care about, is that pre-Season 8 Sam has only had the devil out of his head for a matter of weeks/months at this point, and he’s still chalk full of fairly newly recalled hell trauma from being stuck in the cage with said devil for over a hundred years. Dean still wasn’t okay in Season 5, a season after getting out of his 40 year stint in hell, and the show addressed this pretty clearly, which is good. With Sam, the show doesn’t bother to remind the audience of his trauma or link it in any meaningful way to Sam's decision to give up hunting and not try to get Dean beck.

I think that’s the most unforgivable part of the first half of the season for me, not showing us in a way that, while some fans might still not consider it a good enough reason, the audience can at least understand why Sam made the choice he did. If the writers wanted Sam to make a decision that was not consistent with what we have seen of him this far, then they needed to show us why he acted differently this time. The show gave us a buttload of flashbacks (often not smoothly), so they could have very easily given us a few flashbacks of Sam falling apart, choosing to try to live without going insane over Dean, grieving his brother. We could have seen these things and still had time for him to meet and stay with a woman (not Amelia) for even, say, six months before Dean gets out of purgatory. Dean could even not be satisfied with Sam's explanation, or Sam could get defensive and not tell Dean how bad he was doing at first, so the brother drama could still be in tact, but at least the audience would understand Sam's motivations more. In a show where Dean usually gets the benefit of the doubt due to being our more regular POV protagonist, the narrative, and his protectiveness, it was a poor choice not to flesh out Sam's decisions more.

Season 8 was one of the rare times we actually see things from Sam's POV fairly often, and they wasted it on an unlikable love interest and half-explained motivations. The way the season is structured, it looks like it’s actually trying to argue that Amelia was the reason Sam gave up hunting (and Dean), but then it depicts her as incredibly harsh, annoying, and, frankly, not worth giving up Dean for. Giving Sam this particular love interest, one he has no chemistry with, makes it even harder to empathize with him because we (or most of the audience) don’t like her.

The real reason Sam gives up is essentially that hunting cost him too much, and he was too broken to carry on after losing Dean. But, the emphasis on the relationship, even though it’s explained that Sam and Amelia were basically just two broken people pulled together by their pain, doesn’t do enough to actually make it appealing, or to make me buy that Sam even loves her. I get that the show isn’t on the side of Sam living a normal life, and that’s actually fine, but making the relationship so … lame just helps stack the deck against Sam.

Meanwhile, Dean's friend-who-isn’t-Sam is incredibly likable, so we sympathize with Dean giving up Benny for Sam mid season, but most of us have been waiting for the moment when we no longer have to see Amelia being grating all over our screens since pretty much the first time we saw her. Thus, Dean's jealousy, dismissive remarks regarding Amelia, and his casual cruelty in letting Sam think she’s in danger just to get him out of the way, have less weight with the audience because so many of us don’t like her anyway. Whereas, Sam's sudden hate for vampires when he’s always been the more sympathetic brother when it comes to monsters, feels like it comes out of nowhere. And he ends up looking like a dick because the audience knows that Benny is a good guy (vampire), even though Sam doesn’t. Dean is no less jealous of Amelia than Sam is of Benny, but it comes across as more unreasonable in Sam's case. And he seems to be the only one who is often considered to be acting petty.

Here too, I feel the show does a bad job showing Sam's motivations. Sam has an instant hate-on for Benny, and his stated reasons are pretty much … he’s a vampire. And when arguing with Dean, the show has Sam bring up Amy. I mean, sure, Amy was a more recent monster and issue in their lives, but she isn’t a fitting Benny parallel, in my opinion. To me, Benny was to Sam, what Ruby was to Dean. They are both monsters: vampire VS demon. They both saved a brother’s life: Ruby saved a suicidal Sam VS Benny saving Dean in a land of Monsters. Both fought alongside a brother for a shared goal: Sam killing Lilith vs Dean getting out of Purgatory. Both monsters caused jealousy for sort of replacing the other brother: Sam chose to trust Ruby over Dean regarding Lilith VS Dean literally telling Sam that Benny (unlike Sam) has never let him down, and he lies to Sam to protect Benny. Sam should have brought up the mistake of trusting Ruby in their argument, if he thinks Dean is wrong to trust Benny. Of course, if Sam so much as said "Ruby," Dean would probably just fixate on Sam not listening to him back then. The thing is, looking at the Benny issue in relation to Ruby, it’s actually fair that Sam distrusts Benny. Of course, i do I think he’s also jealous and feels guilty.

Anyway, the season then sort of tries to make up for Sam being hard to sympathize with, by making Dean be straight up cruel to him a few times, which I don’t love either.

#supernatural #sam and dean #spn meta #sam winchester #dean winchester #Season 8 #ranting ahead #Season 8’s treatment of Sam #my thoughts #thanks to the gif makers

[bombingqueen]

I might make a rec list of all my favorite wincest and j2 fics. I wouldn't mind receiving some recs if anyone is interested. I decided to just list my wincest recs because I read more sam/dean fics then J2. I have no idea how many parts I'm gonna have.

Updated:

Wincest Recs Part 1

Favorites (these are pretty much rated E):

the blood in your mouth (5306 words) by hathfrozen Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Dean wishes he could sink his hands right through Sam’s skin, his ribs, wishes he could touch straight down to Sam’s heart. He’d feel the strong muscle of it, the clench and release of every beat, the thick heat of blood. He could take a bite, all for himself. (In which Dean starts experiencing cannibalistic thoughts about Sam, and Sam just needs his brother. Season 11.)

take the things you love (4784 words) by hathfrozen Chapters: 1/1 Summary: The thing is, Sam’s reinforcing every bad behavior Dean’s ever had with this kind of shit. Fucking Sam stupid over the hood of the Impala? Dean’s wet dream—unfortunately also Sam’s—but more importantly the implicit validation of every claim Dean thinks he has on Sam—unfortunately every claim Sam’s lizard brain wants Dean to have. (Sam knows his brother wants to possess him. It's a point of internal conflict.)

brother only wants (64098 words) by hathfrozen Chapters: 11/11 Summary: Sam breathes like it takes effort, and then he says, "Wanting you was the very first thing I realized was wrong with me. It was how I knew there was something sick inside." (One of them had to fall first. A story about devotion.)

an act of faith against the night (5953 words) by hathfrozen Chapters: 1/1 Summary: When Dean kisses him again, he tastes like Sam's tears. "I hate you," Sam whispers into Dean's mouth, still trying to get Dean to fuck him faster. No one should ever love this much. "It's your fault, this is your fault." Dean gave him this, everything that Sam never wants to lose, and now Dean's just going to tear it all away. He's going to throw himself away, like he's nothing, if Sam can't save him. (Angsty porn set sometime in Season 3. In lieu of actually talking things out, Sam and Dean have a lot of sex. Sometimes, like now, Sam breaks down.)

Bullet for my Valentine (8840 words) by merle_p Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Supernatural Summary: Stupid. He is so goddamn fucking stupid. Running his mouth like a fucking idiot, not knowing when to leave well enough alone. Bad enough that he just practically talked dirty to his little brother, which, Christ – he must be more stressed than he thought if his self-control mechanisms have started malfunctioning that badly. But no, no, he came up with a scenario straight out of a bad slasher film, as if that is something normal people talk dirty about, as if that is something Sam would seriously enjoy. As if – As if Dean hadn’t hunted his own brother through the maze of the bunker, eyes black and hammer raised to strike, not even a full year ago. As if Sam hadn’t, just a few weeks back, knelt at his feet, neck bared, waiting for Dean to deal a fatal blow with a fucking scythe

Sam has a serial killer kink and Dean indulges him. There is no explicit consent discussion prior to the kink exploration. But there is a safeword that Sam is fully able to use.

With Your Dreams Untold (10157 words) by waywardelle Chapters: 1/1 Summary: For the past ten years, Dean has been bookmarking porn on the laptop for Sam to watch. Sam figured it would never go further than that, until one night, not long after killing Hitler, Dean decides to be brave. One thing is for sure: Dean is never going to let Sam live down the fact that porn is what brought them together, in the end. Set between 12x06 & 12x07, but not necessarily a coda.

Walkin' the Tightrope (24702 words) by non_tiembo_mala Chapters: 1/1 Summary: It’s 2036, and twenty years since Sam and Dean called it quits on hunting to take up a secluded, quiet life. Maybe Jesse and Cesar gave them the idea, but after Amara, they realized they’d done enough. And they wanted a proper life together even more. Known as Sam Wesson and Dean Smith to the residents of the nearby town they call home, Sam and Dean keep mostly to themselves, their immaculately kept ‘67 Chevy Impala, and their cabin in the woods. That is, until someone from their past tracks them down, desperate for help. Sam and Dean can’t say no, not when it’s their dear friend Jody Mills in deep trouble – she’s missing – but the wedding bands they wear make going back to their old life just that little bit more complicated…

because you want to die for love (27299 words) by hathfrozen Chapters: 1/1 Series: Part 1 of Heaven verse Summary: He almost misses it. “Seventy-eight days.” A beat passes. “What?” That’s the face of twenty-four year old Sam staring at Dean with the eyes of the thirty-six year old Sam he left behind. Dean can’t get a read on him, on the expression there when Sam clarifies, “It was only seventy-eight days. I lived for seventy-eight days without you, and then I ended up here.”  (Sam and Dean settle into their Heaven—and into each other, too.)

Just about everything by hathfrozen is awesome. The author really knows Sam and Dean and hathfrozen explores their unhinged dynamics well.

Strange How the Night Moves (2282 words) by dollylux Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Sam and Dean talk about Sam's night with Piper.

Kings of Christmas (4987 words) by brokenlittleboy Chapters: 1/1 Summary: During the holidays at the bunker, Sam and Dean engage in a tense competition over who can decorate the bunker the best. Things get out of hand, but in a good way.

The Exodus (14189 words) by waywardelle Chapters: 1/1 Summary: So. Dean left with Cas over a week ago on some sort of recon mission, and yeah, Sam has been trying to bury himself in research, but he's just not coping all that well with the long-term separation. He wakes up early one morning, expecting the day to be like all the rest, except it's even worse than all the rest, because he's completely and totally alone on his (brother-less) thirty-fourth birthday. His bleak outlook quickly changes with an unexpected phone call, and he has to admit that maybe someone, somewhere answered his embarrassingly needy birthday wish, despite his lack of candles to blow out.

Promise Me (9281 words) by brokenlittleboy Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Supernatural Rating: Explicit Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Dean Winchester/Sam Winchester Characters: Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester, Castiel Additional Tags: Soulmates, Fluff, Romance, Marriage, Marriage Proposal, Men of Letters Bunker, Domestic Fluff, Domestic Winchesters, Canon Compliant, Top Dean, Bottom Sam, Frottage, Anal Sex, Sleepy Kisses, Minor Character(s) Series: Part 4 of Commissions Summary: Dean makes a promise to Sam. He'd already made a commitment to his brother in a church, but this time is more significant and meaningful. Their lives are already weird enough that one incestuous marriage proposal won't flip things upside down.

Sweet Sin, So Naked and Bare (16105 words) by HandsAcrossTheSea Chapters: 1/1 Summary: “Have you ever thought about us doing it bare?” Sam pauses with his coffee cup halfway to his mouth and brings his gaze up. “What do you mean?” “You know. Fucking bareback.” Dean’s not looking at him and Sam really, really wishes he would. Sam sets the cup down and exhales slowly. “Maybe.”

the need to choose (4542 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Castiel tells Dean something he never expected to hear.

This is an amazing fic. It does involve Mpreg and Non-traditional A/B/O dynamics. Dean is told he is pregnant. It also discusses the possibility of abortion due to the possibility of Sam and Dean being vessels and their war with Heaven and Hell. I think the concept is utterly brilliant. Sam and Dean having a child would really make it so that Heaven and Hell hunt them down or they give up their child.

reclamation (4152 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Once they're finally on the same page again, once things are okay, Sam realizes there's just one thing missing.

femme (4460 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Rummaging around the internet, Dean finds a kink he hadn't seen before; Sam explains, and demonstrates.

the beams of our house are cedar (7864 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Summary: While they're still cementing the bunker as theirs, Dean remembers something he used to play with, when he was younger. He decides to give Sam a surprise, whenever he gets home.

there will be better days (9430 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Sam and Dean settle into their heaven.

ambiguity (4155 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Sam has a fantasy that he's long wanted to see realized. Dean misunderstands, at first, but Sam sets him straight.

a gift; win-win (967 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Sam wants to watch; Dean obliges.

oh so good, oh so fine (7580 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Series: Part 1 of it started with the kinks Summary: Zachariah gave them their memories back, but he didn't erase what had happened in the time they were other people. Dean Smith made a mistake, and Dean Winchester--well. He's still living with it.

kansas city (4231 words) by deadlybride Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Sam dies in a barn, and Dean tries to live, after.

deadlybride is one of my favorite wincest authors. everything they write is certified gold. Also, I'm a simple woman, I enjoy reading about Dean in panties.

Good Clean Fun (6050 words) by nigeltde Summary: Loose lips sink ships.

Fair warning, if Sam and Dean having sex when Sam may not be fully with reality squicks you then proceed with caution. It is not stated out right and it is left ambiguous.

Lips That Unlock Doors (2668 words) by AlulaSpeaks Chapters: 1/1 Dean may have the lips that unlock doors, but it’s Sam’s mouth that drives Dean crazy.

Dean just wanted a taste.

You Have Always Been a Fire, Burning Under My Skin (6037 words) by faequeentitania Chapters: 1/1 Series: Part 1 of Sharing is Caring Summary: The first time Sam woke up to the sound of Dean jerking off, he was twelve. Hearing your brother stroking himself in the middle of the night shouldn't be a turn on at twelve. And it definitely shouldn't be a turn on at twenty-two, either. But here he was.

The entire series is awesome. There is hetero sex but Sam/Dean has a pretty established thing going on throughout. Sam and Dean enjoy sharing their sexual experiences with women and they enjoy having threesomes.

Giving Thanks (23271 words) by chiquititasnewsong Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Sam forgets it’s Thanksgiving until he finds Dean in the kitchen at the bunker getting ready for a huge holiday spread. Whether it’s the day or the atmosphere or some kind of odd cosmic synchronicity, Sam takes a chance that turns out to change his life in ways he never dreamed possible.

I love this fic so fuckin much. The mutual pining and the increasing sexual tension is everything to me.

To Have and To Hold (3668 words) by fallingintodivinity Chapters: 1/1 Summary: It’s while standing in the middle of the vegetable aisle at a Wal-Mart, a slightly wilted head of lettuce in one hand and a six-pack of beer in the other, that Dean Winchester realizes he’s married.

A Warm Respite from a Chilly Night (1854 words) by doilycoffin Chapters: 1/1 After spending a good chunk of their evening freezing their asses off, Dean decides to warm him and Sam up with some good old fashioned spiked hot cocoa. And if it results in him getting to have a little fun with a very tipsy and horny Sam, then who is he to complain?

It's all consensual.

In the Chair Next to Mine (14407 words) by chiquititasnewsong Chapters: 1/1 Summary: This was written for this prompt from the SPN Masquerade Round 10: WINCEST - CAMPBELL BROTHERS, MARRIAGE KINK from: (anonymous) they really do love their little life in lebanon; the cozy quaint togetherness, the domestic bliss of coupledom, and they definitely get off on fooling the townspeople—letting everyone think they're mr. and mr. for real. (matching rings, the occasional pet name slipped, no one around them realizing they're getting an eyeful of incest every time a kiss is shared in public.)

Sam has a serious and intense incest kink. Dean gets into it.

Cri de Cœur [The Heart's Cry] (37817 words) by kelleigh Chapters: 7/7 Summary:

Sam and Dean could use a break after banishing God’s sister to the far reaches of oblivion. However, a new case drops into their laps when they receive a message sent to the Men of Letters using a strange old code. The name Campbell makes it impossible for them to refuse. The hunt takes the Winchesters back to Charleston, South Carolina, a city they haven’t been through in almost twenty years. It plunges them into the obscure and bloody history of an old plantation where ghost sightings and a consuming madness mean the clock is ticking.

Using every resource they have, including the help of the last Campbell ancestor in the South, the testimony of a powerless ghost, and the expertise of a handsome young historian, Sam and Dean need to uncover the truth behind the haunting before it claims another innocent victim. Based on the short story, The Yellow Wallpaper.

This is the second part of a series but it can be read as a stand alone. I love reading case fics and love reading ones that read like it could be on the show. This is awesome. Takes a divergence after Amara reunites with Chuck.

Sticking With You (10522 words) by smalltrolven Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Sam’s soul has been stretched to the limit after being attached to Chuck via the damn bullet in his shoulder. But now he has something to decide: whether or not to fill Dean in about what had really happened to Sam while Dean was off hunting on his own and killing his old buddy. It takes him the whole drive to Alaska, and nearly the whole way back to work up the courage to spill the whole story.

Dean helps Sam's soul heal and it is a beautiful thing.

nothing's gonna hurt you, baby (17652 words) by orphan_account Chapters: 1/1 Summary: “You get to have this, Dean.” The brush of Sam’s mouth against his own is the sweetest ache. Lips catch and drag and Sam whispers into his mouth, “You get to have this. If you want this, I’m giving it to you. Let me give this to you.” Dean wants to say yes. He wants to say please and I love you and thank you. For the trust, the devotion, the care. It’s not something that has ever needed to be verbalised but god, in this moment Dean wants nothing more than to tell this boy just how much he loves him. “Yeah. Yeah, Sam — I want this.” The words taste like the sweetest freedom and a thousand more years of damnation but Sam’s tongue soothes the burn of them. Long fingers cradle the back of his head tenderly, so tenderly, like he’s something precious to be taken care of, and Dean’s chest feels fit to bursting with how much he loves this kid.

I adore this fic. I really really do. and its sexy hot. This has Daddy kink. Sam calls Dean Daddy and it has undertones of subdropping.

Every New Beginning (1881 words) by remy Chapters: 1/1 Summary: one night you realize you love him, you love him in a way you shouldn’t, in a way you can never tell anyone, least of all him because he is not here. he is miles and miles and miles below your feet, so far out of your reach that you can’t even imagine it, and your chest hurts so sharp and vindictive you can’t breathe. and here’s the thing – without him, you don’t want to.

This is written in second person but it is an honestly beautiful depiction of Dean's feelings for Sam.

they were each other's toxic cure called codependency (2172 words) by nowhere_blake Series: Part 8 of codas for the damned and the brokenhearted Summary: Mary’s back, Dean is gone and Sam stops sleeping. She thought she understood how deep her boys' relationship goes, but when Michael takes over and Dean disappears, she needs to reevaluate just exactly how scarily codependent the two of them are. Coda to 14x01 Stranger in a Strange Land.

There's No Normal After That (6274 words) by Fenix21 Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Dean discovers the truth behind the words of what it really means to love his brother.

Dean's turmoil after Sam's non-death is good stuff. This fic is set after Red Meat.

O Heavenly Christmas (8124 words) by SmackTheDevil Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Reunited on a bridge in Heaven, Sam and Dean have much to catch up on and slide back into their close relationship as if they had never been apart. Sam is reflective about a life long lived, while Dean is his usual self; cracking jokes and teasing his brother. But without the weight of the world on their shoulders, for the first time, in a long time they are both able to relax and talk about their time together on Earth, relive a few memories and enjoy their first Christmas together in Heaven.

amazing work and the progress of their re-joining is beautiful

ain't it a gentle sound, the rolling in the graves? (ain't you my baby?) (3367 words) by pilotflyingj Summary: Five times Dean calls Sam "baby," and one time he doesn't.

Monsters Are Always Hungry (27458 words) by untraceablegirl23 Chapters: 1/1 Summary: He peers down at him for just a second, a second that skips on like hours, because looking at Sam is like giving something up, like air, like space, and being replaced entirely with devotion. (Nonlinear depiction of the time Sam and Dean are found out and how it all comes to in the months beforehand which are Heaven and Hell at once. Or an acknowledgement of just how far they’d go for each other, even when it’s beyond wrong, because how can you hide when you’re entirely made for someone else?)

Midnight Ride (2749 words) by ani_coolgirl Chapters: 1/1 Summary: Sam really just means to get some sleep. But if he wants Dean’s good mood to last, he may as well indulge and enjoy the ride.

Sam indulging Dean's cowboy while Castiel and Jack are in the next room.

#wincest #I have over 100 saved wincest fics #I have a problem #personal #wincest fic recs

[profoundbondfanfic]

☆ Horror Destiel fic rec group Sometimes you remember just how scary SPN used to be during the early seasons and you just want a feel of that chill running down your spine. Here’s a few Destiel fics that will have that effect on you.

--All fic links go to our tagged reviews--

A Different Kind of Monster by roadtonowhere (lastoryx) & xfancyfranzi [Explicit, 89k words]

Something in Bodie, California is luring truckers to their deaths and Dean’s on his way to take it out. It’s the first time Bobby’s given him a case and, with Sam at Stanford and his dad off chasing demons, he’s finally hunting monsters on his own. When an accidental encounter puts an as-of-yet-unknown monster in the passenger seat of his car, Dean decides to ice him, taking his dad’s old adage to heart: a monster is always a monster. Unfortunately, Dean can’t seem to figure out what kind of monster “Castiel” is and he certainly can’t shake him.

A Million Ways to Go by ChasingRabbits [Explicit, 91k words]

Castiel Novak is a preacher’s son living in a world of black and white. Pragmatic and dutiful, he doesn’t understand why anybody would want to make waves. Then the Winchesters move in down the street. Soon many of the skeletons in the Novak family’s closet are exposed, and as the family faces them, Castiel begins to understand that there are many ways to see the world and so many more ways to live than what he’s been told.

Between Love and Agony by Duckyboos [Explicit, 53k words]

Dean Winchester is in love. Like, bonafide heart eyes and deep sighs, hung-the-moon love. There’s just one problem: the lucky guy is his husband’s identical twin, Castiel. The two of them have been having a kinky affair for years, burrowing under each other’s skin and setting up camp. Which is why, after Castiel goes missing, Dean’s about ready to tear the world apart looking for him. When Castiel eventually returns to him, he’s been through literal hell, managing to drag himself out, bloody and raw, for Dean. Together, they discover a way to make Castiel whole again — though the price will be gruesome… and there will certainly be hell to pay.

et florum magica: (And the Magic of Flowers) by wiccanstiel [Explicit, 52k words]

There’s a large, leafless tree and a road, a hand on a gnarled cane, a stoutly man in a black suit, his face scratched out. When Castiel Novak moves to the small town of Fox Hollow, he’s looking for a fresh start. Only his past seems to be–quite literally–haunting him, and even through his best efforts of settling into his new life, there’s a darkness in the shadows that he can’t seem to shake. And after meeting an otherworldly being named Dean during what was supposed to be a simple walk through the forest, he’s left with more questions than answers. But like it’s residents, Fox Hollow has some well-kept secrets, and things quickly turn to life or death when one of those secrets finally steps from the shadows and into the light.

Half Empty by sinnabonka [Mature, 37k words]

Raging storm, boundless cornfield surging, churning, like an angry ocean crashing its waves over steep shores. Dean comes to in the passenger seat of his car with no memory of what could have possibly brought him to the oddly named bar on the outskirts of the small town in the middle of nowhere. Investigating what first looks like a regular, run-of-the-mill missing people case and trying to bring back memories he’s lost, Dean ends up discovering truth he’d rather remain hidden. Welcome to Half Empty, where nothing is as it seems, and even shadows have secrets of their own.

Number 1 Crush by Duckyboos [Explicit, 103k words]

Dean, Benny, Charlie, Garth, and Cas are old college buddies. In their thirties now, they meet up once a year to shed their adult responsibilities for a week. This year it’s Garth’s turn to choose where they go and he’s still as obsessed with horror and weird shit as he was back in college. He ends up picking a supposedly deserted hotel in the friggin’ mountains. The place is creepy as hell and as night falls, two things become increasingly apparent. One: the place isn’t as deserted as they first thought, and two: Dean’s college stalker is back from the dead.

Revelation 13 by fullvoid [Explicit, 43k words]

It’s Dean’s day off, and he’d like to spend it how he always does—by kicking his feet up with a cold one and watching soap operas—not by discovering an enormous, creepy hole in his bathroom wall that definitely wasn’t there when he went to bed last night. But it’s no big deal. He can just patch it up and still devote plenty of time to Dr. Sexy afterward. There is only one problem. He can’t leave his apartment, and there’s a message on his front door written in…is that blood? And why is it signed by someone named “Cas”? Things can only get better from here, right?

The Angels of Freetown by FriendofCarlotta [Explicit, 50k words]

Freetown is the sort of place where hardly anything ever happens — a picturesque, close-knit town in the foothills of the Appalachians. Professor Castiel Novak loves his job at the local university’s history department, and he loves his husband, Chief of Police Dean Winchester. Then, one night in September, all the leaves around town drop and an eerie fog descends. Before long, people begin to disappear. When Dean becomes the latest resident of Freetown to vanish, Castiel and an unlikely band of allies set out to bring him back and free the town from the things that roam the fog.

The Lover’s Song by FriendofCarlotta [Explicit, 48k words]

Running an independent bookstore in one of the less glamorous California towns doesn’t make you rich, but Dean Winchester’s life is pretty much perfect anyway. He’s got amazing friends, a whip-smart brother and a husband he loves more than anything: novelist Castiel Novak. Then one night, driving home from work, Dean accidentally runs over a cat. The cat’s grieving owner curses Dean: his beloved will lose all memory of him, and Dean has only a year and a day to bring the memories back. Of course, there’s no such thing as a curse. Is there?

#destiel #halloween #group rec #horror

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

This might be a hot take but I've gotta get this off my chest:

I have seen so many times in the past two years the point being made by a particular section of the fandom that Sam was the hero of SPN, the "Luke Skywalker" of the series as Kripke himself stated, and that the finale ending made sense for not only Sam getting to live but also for Dean's ending. And in the very same breath, it's mentioned that the show was always about the brothers, no one else, that's what Kripke always wanted, etc., but this argument is always made from a very pro-Sam slanted/skewed anti-ship (and sometimes anti-Dean) point of view without taking into consideration of just how much the story of SPN evolved even before Kripke left the show.

Like say what you will about Sam being the hero of the story, and I'm not going to disagree with you about that being Kripke's original intention because you're right. Sam was the main protagonist; that's clear from the outset of the series. The whole first season is everything being told from Sam's POV. It's evident in every single episode in how each case has resolution thanks to Sam. He is made to be the hero. The whole arc of season 1 is about Sam being dragged back into this world due to his desire for revenge for what happened to Jessica which turns into something more aka Sam is naturally a hunter and he wants to help people/help his family->Dean. It's even Sam in the season finale that chooses a different way compared to John's quest for revenge by choosing Dean/his family over his revenge.

So, yes, you're right when you say in the beginning of the series that Sam was the hero/main protagonist. Absolutely. But what is not being mentioned/realized is that somewhere along the way, during Kripke's era, Dean's own story within the series became just as integral to the main story like Sam's as did their relationship as brothers. Kripke developed the story to include both. They both become essential to the main overhead arc of the entire show. The whole reason John and Mary even got together (through Heaven's intervention as per SPN canon) was to bring about both Sam and Dean's existence. Dean becomes the complement to Sam's role. We find out that Sam is the chosen vessel for Lucifer, and then we find out Dean is the chosen vessel for Michael, which leads to the showdown between Heaven and Hell essentially through the two. Both have a decision to make; both are tapped on the shoulders by both sides (i.e. Cas/Ruby); both are essential to the main plot while having their own separate arcs/journeys. Dean is no longer a side character or even the "Han Solo". His story is developed and we not only see his own hero's journey that he has to go on (when physically separate from Sam for example; going into the future though this is still intertwined with Sam's journey itself; going back in time, etc.) but his own desires, thought processes, relationships (outside of Sam), are also brought into the forefront for his story. Can this happen with side characters? Sure. But that's not what happens here because Kripke not only develops/beefs up Dean's story but also interweaves it with Sam's very carefully, to the point that the show doesn't work without both characters. Hence, Sam is no longer the sole main protagonist.

Which is why, for example, Dean is the one to kill the YED even though Sam had been determined to make YED pay for what happened to Jessica. And Kripke masterfully balances the main plot between the two as the show develops, so much so that we get payoff for Sam's journey (which leads up to Swan Song but I'll get to that in a moment), by fulfilling big plot points such as his killing Lillith and setting Lucifer free. He even still gets the hero's end by choosing to sacrifice himself to save Dean and the world in 5x22. Kripke beautifully takes Sam's original journey and tweaks it in such a way that while Sam had his dad's training and a similar quest for vengeance, he made a different decision and he did that while having much more on his shoulders (literally the weight of the world) than John ever did. And we still get payoff for what was initially set up way back in season 1. We get a close out to the Jessica story line, to Sam's powers story line, all of it, before Kripke dipped out.

And in the same fashion, we also got a closeout to Dean's story line. If he would ever get out of hunting, would he allow Sam to go into that dark night alone, would he be the same as John -- all of it.

So the ending to 5x22 absolutely makes sense. And we get: Dean surviving and going to live a "normal" life & Sam making the sacrifice (as the hero the series started out with) while also somehow surviving & making his way back to his brother. That's Kripke's ending. Now to be fair, Sam making his way back to Dean more likely had to do with them setting up the next season, but ultimately he wasn't dead after throwing himself and Michael into the pit.

Then in the later seasons, which some fans like to exclude or dismiss (but it's still part of Sam and Dean's official story), their stories were still integral to the main story but they had also evolved to include other characters (such as Cas, Jody, Donna, etc) and they had developed over the next ten years. So when looking at the series as a whole, Dean and Sam's endings in the series finale do not make sense. Kripke already got his ending in 5x22 and the show moved past that, and quickly set out to dismantle it in 6x01. This theme continued and the idea of free will became the center stage even more than it had in the first five seasons. By the time the last season rolled around, Dean and Sam had different desires, their stories had not only been completely intertwined to make both of them the main protagonists but both the heroes, and how their ends/hunting boots were hung up in the end would both matter.

So if you watched all of the seasons, 15x20 doesn't make sense. Because Dean and Sam wanted very different things by that point, they had both built relationships with other characters (Cas and Jack were the biggest ones but those two were not the only ones), and their story had effectively changed.

And if you didn't watch any of the later seasons (or you dismiss it), 15x20 still doesn't make sense because this wasn't the ending Kripke had for the seasons 1-5 Sam and Dean. If anything, it felt like it could have been 1x02 instead of the Wendigo episode, ending Dean and Sam's story in two short episodes with nothing in between.

That does not make sense.

Imagine we were discussing the show Buffy the Vampire Slayer. We all know how that ended (I'm talking TV only, not the comics). Buffy saved the world, she survived (finally!), and she was free from Sunnydale. Now imagine she had been killed off. Not only would it feel redundant but it wouldn't feel like a true ending for the story told over the past 7 seasons. What would have been the point of her being resurrected in season 6 then? What would have been the point of her relationship with Spike, Dawn, and the others? Could Joss Whedon have made it into another hero's sacrifice (instead of Spike doing the heroic/redeeming sacrifice), that she got Dawn, Willow, Xander, and the other Slayers ready to defend the world that she would die saving? Sure. But again, when you compare that ending to her story, it doesn't really make sense. There is no payoff, for the viewers or for the character of Buffy. She had earned that ending, the freedom from the Hellmouth and from the burden of being alone as the only Slayer (aka Chosen One). Which is why we get that great shot in the end:

Willow: "Yeah, the First is scrunched so...what do you think we should do, Buffy?"

Faith: "Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just got to live like a person. How's that feel?"

Dawn: "Yeah, Buffy, what are we going to do now?"

The hero, who had already made the hero's sacrifice more than once, finally earned the ending that she wanted: freedom and the ability to choose to live her life for herself. The burden of being The Slayer had been removed and spread out to others (effectively building a network, hold that thought for a minute), she was no longer alone, she had defeated the Big Bad (which was effectively the Hellmouth since it kept creating/calling to these other Big Bads she faced over the years as well as the monsters she started out fighting), she might have more to face in the future, but it's up to her now what she wants to do. She is given the choice aka free will and that's what she earned after everything she had gone through during the duration of the show.

That's an ending.

This isn't:

Death wasn't supposed to be their ending. While some might be able to turn to you and say 'but they end up in Heaven together, they're at peace', that doesn't make it a payoff ending, for the viewers (early seasons only or all seasons) or for the characters of Sam and Dean. That's not effective storytelling. Neither ending was heroic or earned.

Dean dying, while again wouldn't make sense given the story, could have been painted as heroic if it happened during the battle with Chuck for example. Their final battle with the ultimate Big Bad. Even though they both died heroically quite a few times before this, it could have been done and while ultimately disappointing, it could have been the hero's end for Dean (just like Sam's end in 5x22 was the hero's end for him). This death wasn't heroic; instead it was from vampire stunt guy #4 who apparently juiced before that scene getting an upper hand on the hero and impaling him on a piece of sharp rebar. During a milk run hunt. Now imagine if that were Sam. Ask these people who think that by the end of the series that Sam was the only hero, ask them if that happened to Sam instead, would they still be praising the finale? Or imagine that was Buffy. That she survived like she does, the Hellmouth in Sunnydale was finally gone, only to be killed by a random forgettable vampire who she had faced off with in the first season and got away, only to suddenly return and take the hero out, thus negating the payoff/earned ending she and the viewers got. Doesn't make sense, right?

Now imagine if say Dawn was killed off in a similar way (though tbf Dawn's role was not the same as Dean's in the story) or during the battle, and we see Buffy living her life through the years, getting out of slaying, having a family which consists of a daughter she names Dawn, wearing her own Party City wig and looking at a picture of Dawn all teary-eyed, dying in her sleep as an old lady, and then reuniting with her in Heaven. It doesn't work. Not only because Dawn had a very different role in the show when it came to the main story but also because it DOESN'T WORK. What kind of hero's end is that? What payoff is that? Is it great that Sam gets to choose to get out of hunting and have a family? Sure. But that's not where his story was headed, in later seasons, or even during Kripke's era.

Going back to the network thing I mentioned with Buffy, Sam had done that. Not only were there strong hints of leader!Sam near the end of the series, but he had effectively built a network of hunters for a time until Alt!Michael killed them all. But he and Dean still had a network going through Jody, Donna, Claire, even Jack until he turned God!Jack. Wayward Sisters might not have taken off when it first aired but the point was made: a hunter network still existed. And these characters, this network, even though not shown in the finale, still survived no matter what happened with Sam and Dean in the end. Why is this important? Because not only does it extend the hunting universe, but it also removes the burden from the heroes' shoulders. So they could have gotten out of hunting if they wanted to, just like Buffy could have laid down her axe (or stake). The heroes had earned it.

So for Dean to die on a random hunt and for those few to say that it was being foreshadowed this whole time with Dean's quotes (from before season 15 btw) and a proper ending to his story...they really don't know what show they were watching or how storytelling works in general. Because when they say that, they negate Dean's whole arc of season 15 (while also negating his whole series arc). Dean was angry in the beginning of the season because he thought not only had his free will been taken from him, but also because he thought he hadn't had any free will this whole time. There's a reason why he says what he says to Cas in 15x02. There's a reason why he was so gung ho on letting Jack sacrifice himself, and only once once Sam and Chuck say what they say in 15x17 does Dean make a different choice: his family (and the world) vs his own desire (his idea of free will, not fully realizing that he's actually utilizing it by making that choice). It's only when he chooses not to kill Chuck in 15x19 that he is completely self-aware and that he is using his free will to make a choice. A choice that affects how the Big Bad is ended/defeated. "That's not who I am."

He was given the hero's choice and he made it. And his decision was the right one that had payoff from not only the events in 15x17 and 15x18 but for his overall story. That's why what Cas says to him in 15x18 about who he is as a character was so important. It set Dean up to not only have self-realization but to also act upon it. Think about how many times over the years Sam and other characters have told Dean this about himself but he never really believed it. Why? Because he hadn't reached that part of his journey yet. Because he hadn't reached the end of it yet. So it makes perfect sense how 15x17, 15x18, and 15x19 play out. This is the appropriate ending battle for not only Dean but Sam as well:

This was the hero's sacrifice they made. They could have been killed from Chuck beating on them as he did. He could have chosen to snap his fingers at any point. They made the sacrifice in order to get Jack the time and energy he needed to power up to overpower Chuck. And they never stayed down no matter the pain, no matter the potential of their deaths at Chuck's hand. They refused to give it up. This is why Sam helps Dean back up and why they're laughing/smiling. Because they know that no matter what happens to them, Jack/the world is going to win. "Why are you smiling?" "Because...you lose." And their sacrifice not only hands victory over to the new generation aka Jack but also instates the new God who replaces Chuck aka The Big Bad of the entire series. EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS SCREAMS HERO.

So it's not only payoff for Jack's story (as well as Chuck's) but also for Sam and Dean's. And both brothers were the heroes. Which is why Sam tells Chuck that he loses and Dean tells him that they won. Why both of them tell Chuck about their plan that they formed together (and Jack doesn't say a word). Which is why Chuck says he's going to die at both of their hands, both Sam and Dean look at each other, and then Dean makes the choice not to kill Chuck. "See, that's not who I am. That's not who we are." Because they both were the heroes and main protagonists of the series. Something that Kripe had set up long before 5x22.

"What kind of an ending is this?" One the heroes had earned. Chuck as the Big Bad wanted violence and death, an ending he would be entertained by. And even for an ending he hadn't imagined for himself (where he loses), he still expected a grisly death at the hands of the heroes. Had either Winchester done that, then Chuck would have gotten what he wanted and it wouldn't be the heroes' end that they had earned.

This was the ending that Sam and Dean earned:

The choice to continue on if they wanted or to get out of hunting for good. To go see Jody, Donna, and the girls, or go get Cas out of The Empty, or go on milk run hunts for a while, or even to go to a freaking baseball game (screw you, John!); the point is it was their choice. That's what they had earned by the end of the series.

The ending that Chuck earned was not only the worst he could imagine but it was punishment for everything he had done. Both brothers say as much:

Sam: "I think it's the ending where you're just like us. And like all the other humans you forgot about."

Dean: "It's the ending where you grow old, you get sick, and you just die."

Sam: "And no one cares. And no one remembers you. You're just forgotten."

This was not the heroes' ending or the ending both characters had earned/deserved:

This was:

For the ones who insist that Dean's sacrifice was the right ending for his story and that he got a new Heaven as a reward are incorrect. Heaven wasn't what Dean wanted, not before he got what he earned.

For the one who insist that Sam's ending was right for his story and that he got to have a family and choose to get out of hunting as a reward are incorrect. Sam wanted Dean to be a part of that life (however it looked) and he had no desire to get out of hunting by the time the series came to an end.

15x20 is not the right ending for either Winchester.

And for those who say that Dean hadn't become one of the heroes in the series or that the finale was right because Sam was the sole main protagonist by the end (or even Kripke's ending in 5x22) clearly weren't paying attention. Not only did Sam not get the heroes' end or the end he wanted and earned, but neither did Dean who had been developed into the other main protagonist of the series, by the series creator himself before he left the show.

Bonus:

15x20 was not their real finale and here's how you know:

Next shot (after cutting to black):

Nothing after it.

SPN:

Next shot (after fading to black):

And then:

(while still in costume, the two leads thanking the fans and then the crew/bridge drone shot complete with show music)

Compare this to how 15x19 ended as well. We get the montage, the drive off shot, and then the scene from 1x01 of Sam shutting the trunk of the Impala as Dean watches. Then cuts to black.

That's their finale.

#dean winchester #i'm not tagging the other guy because...ya know #both deserved the ending they had earned #with both being given the choice of what they wanted to do #that finale was shit #don't let “industry experts” on this site tell you different #it's storytelling 101 #spn #spnposts #anti spn finale #anti 15x20 #that episode was pure garbage #no disrespect to the cast and crew who worked hard #but that was shit writing #it negated 15 years of storytelling #even kripke's own story for both brothers

[perfectlybriefmoon]

Season 3 faves

One of my favorite storylines from season 3 was Cordi and Liam's kidnapping I love how unlike when Officer Chen and Detective Lopez were kidnapped in season 2 and 4 of The Rookie they weren't found in the first episode and I love how they showed just how traumatic it was not only for Cordi and Liam but to the people who love them and it's heartbreaking to watch how devastating it was to not only the rest of the family but to Cassie, James, Trey and Ben and this was what was missing from when Chen and Lopez were kidnapped in the Rookie we didn't see the Devastation in caused to their families and for the most part the Midwilshire division behaved themselves when. It came to looking for one of their own

Compared to how Cassie as well as the kids went full on nuclear (understandable given their past traumas and Cordi's and Liam's disappearance brought up everything to the surface for both of them) Cassie broke into protective custody to talk to her previous partner Miles to see if he knew something and he did which ended up with how the Rangers found Cordi and Liam meanwhile Stella and Auggie went off on their own to speak to Shannon and her goons which ended pretty badly with Auggie getting beaten up and Stella forced to give up her Mom's mustang (which is what her Dad would've done if the situations were reversed)

As for Bonham and especially Abby they seriously broke my heart in both episodes Bonham being a rock for his wife and trying to comfort her the best he can meanwhile having faith in both of his boys to get themselves out of their situation and poor poor Abby after everything her family has been through she no longer has the emotional strength to hope that both her boys would come home alive and I wanted to hug her so badly

Cordi and Liam I love how in 3x01 Cordi had Emily's ghost to give him mental and emotional strength despite the horrors of being tortured by Sean and his goons I love his defiance which reminded me so much of Sam in the first 2 episodes of season 12 of Supernatural and while for the most part he doesn't break his situation get 1000 times worse when they being in baby brother Liam so not only does Cordi have to worry about himself he now has to worry about his baby brother and Cordi knows that Sean would have Liam killed if they don't get out of there now and they managed to escape just in time to be reunited with James and Cassie

Poor James not only having to keep his promise to Abby that he won't come to the Ranch until he had Cordi with him now he has to tell her that Liam went missing as well (i wonder how that conversation went down) then having Cassie go off on her own to talk to Miles despite him telling her to wait until she clearance and Stella going off with Auggie to talk to Shannon

#cordell walker #bonham walker #cassie perez #abeline walker #larry james #liam walker #august walker #walker #walker 3x01 #world on a string #walker 3x02 #sittin on a rainbow #walker hiatus holdover #season 3 faves

[and-stir-the-stars]

society if Mary mentioned to Cas about how she was brought back to life really just so she could make Dean (and Sam, but mostly Dean) feel better like she was some kind of tool, and how being resurrected feels like a punishment sometimes because everyone she's ever loved or known is dead; her entire support group is gone, and it feels like the only people she's supposed/allowed to surround herself with is Sam and Dean.

Cas, of course, understands this. He's felt like he has been brought back to life over and over again as a punishment because he needs to fix his past mistakes for years now; Cas is literally billions of years old but everyone he has ever known and loved (except for Sam and Dean and Jack) is dead by season 14 because they stood up for him, OR these people ended up betraying Cas in some way, as though Cas is being punished for caring about people outside of Sam and Dean. Cas too would feel like the only people he's allowed/supposed to surround himself with is Sam and Dean, which is further supported by the fact that Sam and Dean all hated (or at least expressed dislike in Cas being around) Castiel's other friends (Balthazar, Uriel, Kelly, Meg, Hannah, etc; not even Jack was safe from the Winchesters' criticisms or threats).

Anyway, both Mary and Cas were horrifically isolated and parallel each other's trauma to a certain extent; they could relate to each other and should have been able to discuss these things on screen.

#mary winchester #castiel #spn #cas friendships #mary and cas #cas and mary #marystiel #cas meta #mary meta #mary winchester meta #castiel meta

[fancoloredglasses]

The saga of Al’s leap (The hologram has turned!)

  [All images are owned by Universal. Please don’t sue me or alter my past...though if you did, how would I know?]

One of the great things about Quantum Leap is the various stories that can be told and the various roles that can be done centered on a single actor (or should I say a single actor playing a character being an actor)

This review is about an episode (the finale for Season 3) where Sam Beckett revisits a number of his former roles...just before the script gets flipped to start Season 4!

If you would like to watch the episode, it’s available on Roku TV.

We open to Sam leaping into...

(Thanks to Quantum Leap Clips)

Roll the opening credits!

We open to Butch bringing “Sam Bedderman” (AKA Sam Beckett) back to the main psych ward after Sam (normally I would put quotes around whomever Sam has leaped into, but given he has the same name as Sam, there’s no point) has been recovering for 4 hours! Butch the orderly gives a not-so-veiled threat that he’ll do the same to anyone else.

One of the other patients, a man named Tibby, comes over to accuse Butch of trying to kill Sam. Butch (the sadistic bastard) says he could if he wanted to, and if he does it would be because of Tibby. After Butch leaves, Tibby takes a close look at “Sam” and sees Sam!

Then Al shows up, happy that Sam gets to use his own name (where was he four hours ago?)

Then Sam wakes up, scared out of his gourd (especially toward Nurse Chatam and Butch) due to his shock therapy. What’s more, he doesn’t recognize Al and thinks he’s in the room, which isn’t helping his case with Nurse Chatam, who is trying to calm him down. Fortunately, Al manages to calm him down and sorta-kinda explain things before the attending physician, Dr. Masters, enters the ward.

Eventually, Sam says he’s not “Sam”, but “Samantha”!

No, Sam isn’t going questioning his gender (though given how many times he’s been a woman...) The shock treatment scrambled his memories more than normal and he thinks he’s...

...Samantha Stormer, a woman he Leaped into in the episode What Price Gloria?

That’s when Tibby starts talking with Al. So now it’s dogs, kids, and crazy people who can see him! Al tells Tibby not to say a thing or they’ll throw him in a rubber room. Fortunately for Tibby, he believes Al.

Dr. Masters things “Sam” is suffering from Multiple Personality Disorder (he’s not completely wrong) and puts him under observation. Al manages to talk “Samantha” into telling Dr. Masters enough to make him go away.

Once Sam is able to send Dr. Masters away, Al does his best to explain to “Samantha” (and apparently Tibby) what’s going on at tells his team to get Dr. Beeks (the team’s psychiatrist...and believe me, Sam’s gonna need a LOT of therapy if he ever gets home) to help him sort out how to fix Sam’s brain.

Tibby asks Al about his future, to which Al promised to do so...

...as soon as he gets back from finding Dr. Beeks. In the meantime, Al asks Tibby to keep an eye on Sam.

Meanwhile, Dr. Masters is fascinated by Sam Beederman’s new condition. He’s considering drugging Sam to learn more.

Thankfully, there’s at least one person on the staff who’s actually trying to help the patients. Unfortunately, Dr. Masters brushes off Nurse Chatam.

Later, Al returns and Tibby once again asks about his future. Al says he’s the reason Sam’s here. Unfortunately, Sam’s not exactly himself right now, so Al decides to take up the slack.

With a bit of questioning, Al finds out Tibby was brought (and left) by his parents due to him having chronic headaches that he still gets. Al reveals that when he’s released (in 7 years) he winds up homeless. Hopefully that can be changed!

Then Sam wakes up as an orderly comes to move him to an observation room. Fortunately, he longer thinks he’s Samantha (that’s good) Unfortunately, he now thinks he’s...

...Jesse Tyler, a black man he Leaped into in the episode The Color of Truth. (that’s bad) What’s more...

...whatever the shock therapy did to Sam’s brain weakened his connection with Quantum Leap, making it harder for Al to stay in touch. If Sam doesn’t Leap soon, he may be trapped in 1954 forever!

Later, once “Sam” “Jesse” Sam (this is gonna get confusing) is moved to observation, Dr. Masters runs him though a Rorschach test and Sam has a flashback to that leap...

...where “Jesse” knew how to treat “his” granddaughter who was dying after a hit-and-run. Dr. Masters asks how “Jesse” could know that (of course it’s because, in addition to the six PhDs Sam Beckett has, he also has an MD. Did Sam ever have a social life...or sleep?) and of course “Jesse” has no idea.

Sam asks for water, and an orderly brings it in. Three guesses which one.

The trauma of seeing Butch triggers yet another of his earlier Leaps to manifest.

This time he becomes Vietnam combatant Herbert Williams from The Leap Home. [Quick note: following Sam’s Leap, Williams earned the nickname “Magic”, worked his way to Admiral, became the head of the restarted Project Quantum Leap, and was played by Ernie Hudson of Ghostbusters fame in the 2022 series]

“Herbert” freaks out, seeing Butch as part of a Viet Cong ambush! Even after Dr. Masters sends Butch away, Sam is still in fight-or-flight mode. Al manages to talk him down and convince Dr. Masters to send him back to the general population.

That night, Al tells Sam that, in order to help Tibby, Tibby needs to learn how to read. Problem is, Sam is no condition to do that, so...

(Thanks to My Music)

This is enough to change history in Tibby’s favor, but Sam hasn’t Leaped.

The music wakes Sam up. The good news is that he’s not reliving Magic’s memories any more. The bad news is he now thinks he’s...

...Air Force test pilot Capt. Tom Stratton, who was Sam’s very first Leap in the pilot (heh) episode.

What’s more, Sam’s connection is getting worse with every new personality.

That night, Sam’s dreams are filled with visions of previous Leaps until he wakes as...

...prize fighter Clarence “Kid” Cody from the episode The Right Hand of God.

Al has brought Dr. Beeks with him (He has to maintain physical contact to Sam can see her)...

...and she theorizes that Sam needs another round of shock therapy to reset his brain so he can Leap. Needless to say, Sam is not happy about this. However, Al call upon his years as a Naval officer to get Sam to agree to this plan.

The next morning, yet another of Sam’s former leaps comes to the fore. This time...

...Jimmy LaMotta, a man with Down’s Syndrome from the episode Jimmy.

The doctors on the outside of the observation room speculate why Sam Beederman would be acting this way when Al shows up and says it’s time.

Al goads Sam into getting violent to the point that he needs to be restrained and they prepare him for shock therapy.

Needless to say, Al is heartbroken by this. However, this is Sam’s only chance to get out of this Leap.

In the shock therapy room, Al tells Sam he needs the same power levels as before. That’s when Nurse Chatam reveals that Butch gave an unauthorized treatment. As the doctors verbally berate Butch for doing so, Sam begs Nurse Chatam to light him up...

(Thanks to Back21978)

...which brings us to the second half of our saga. For whatever reason, Roku does not have this one episode available out of the entire series, so you will need to breach the paywall at Amazon if you would like to watch it.

Following the cold open (which replayed the above clip after the Leap) and the opening credits, Al is screaming for Gushie (the head programmer, played by comedian Dennis Wolfberg, who died shortly after the series ended)

Meanwhile, Sam is enjoying life as a hologram. Al is trying to beat his handlink into submission, but to no avail.

Sam theorized that, since they switched places, the Leaps would occur within Al’s lifetime. Sam asks Al when he was born so he can get a baseline for when they might be, but Al can’t remember (meaning Al’s memories are as screwed up as Sam’s usually are) Sam asks Al what his last name is.

Uhhhh...yeah, your memories are screw up, Al.

Al keeps screaming for Gushie, but since he’s not the hologram he can’t access Quantum Leap through the handlink.

Oh boy...

Without the handlink, Sam has no way to communicate with Gushie. He’s effectively as trapped in the imaging chamber as Al is in the past!

Unfortunately, Al’s constantly screaming for Gushie to open the door to the Imaging Chamber has attracted the attention of one of the locals.

The local milkman calls Al “Tom” and starts filling in a few of the gaps. Apparently “Tom” was released from a German POW camp after 3 years (so at least they know it’s in the mid-1940s. Yes, you can see the date by scrolling up a bit, but Sam can’t)

A bit more awkward questioning reveals that Tom’s girlfriend Suzanne thought he was dead and moved on, and the wedding is in two days (damn, she moves fast!)

Sam is becoming increasingly concerned because (1) he can’t figure out what Al’s supposed to do without Ziggy (which he can’t without a handlink) and (b) Gushie should’ve figured out something was wrong and opened the Imaging Chamber door by now. Al says there was a lightning strike about the time of the last Leap, which might be why they switched. San guesses the lightning strike caused an error, causing Ziggy to seal the Imaging Chamber. It’s possible to override the error...using the handlink (it always comes back to that, doesn’t it?)

Thanks to the magic of calendars, Sam figures out the date Al has Leaped into, but he’s no closer to figuring a way out of the Imaging Chamber.

Then Suzanne shows up, making things even more awkward. Of course, things go downhill since Sam seems to have gotten Al’s lecherousness when they switched places and is encouraging Al...until “Tom” accidentally proposes to his ex and she says yes! There’s just the little problem that she’s already engaged.

Speaking of the fiancé (Clifford)...

...he shows up to see the woman he’s about to marry playing tonsil hockey with her ex! Eventually, Al challenges Clifford to take their disagreement outside.

Well, that didn’t take long!

Later, “Tom” is driven to his old house...

...and Sam is not getting tired of scaring the crap out of Al for a change.

Sam tells Al he knows how to get out of the Imaging Chamber: all Al has to do mail a letter to the address for Project Quantum Leap to be delivered on the actual date (which Al conveniently remembers) with instruction on how to override the Imaging Chamber lockdown!

[Quick note: I know “mailing a letter to yourself in the future” is a common time travel trope, but according to the USPS, it’s not possible at least in modern times. No clue about in the past before machines did most of the sorting]

When Al gets ready to mail the letter, Sam’s memory returns. As soon as Al drops the letter in the mailbox...

Sam rushes through the door to...

...his wife, Donna!

Once the tearful reunion is over, Gushie congratulates Sam in escaping the Imaging Chamber. Sam then asks Ziggy for information about Al’s Leap, but Ziggy doesn’t have that information, as Sam wasn’t born in 1945. Sam has Ziggy start downloading news files from that year so he can figure out what Al needs to do.

Meanwhile, I don’t think Al’s too worried about what he’s supposed to do.

And back in the present, I’m not sure Sam is either. Sam is mad at Al for not telling him that he was married. Donna says it would’ve made it harder for him to do what he had to in his Leaps (given how many times he fell for a woman in a Leap, I can’t argue)

Just as things start getting too hot for the network censors, Ziggy chimes is and says that Tom and Suzanne...

Oh boy...

Sam rushes back to the Imaging Chamber to find...

Sam has Al excuse himself so he can brief Al on the original history. Al says that the last thing Suzanne wants to do right now is kill herself, which means it must’ve been murder

About that time, they hear Suzanne scream! Al rushes off to find Suzanne unconscious as...

CLIFFORD, YOU RAT BASTARD!

In a flash of desperate inspiration, Sam rushes back to the Project hub...

...and Leaps back to 1945...

...replacing Al as “Tom” (sending Al back to 1999)...

...and gives Clifford what for, sending him hurtling down Lovers’ Leap.

Fortunately, while Sam was in 1999 he updated the retrieval program, giving him a chance to return home.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work, meaning Sam is once again trapped in the past.

Back in 1999, Donna tells Al not to mention her to Sam until he’s able to come home as we return to the status quo and the credits roll.

#quantum leap #scott bakula #dean stockwell #time travel #Fan Colored Glasses

[spellsword177]

Predictions for Stranger Things Season 5

Now that the penultimate season has ended, it’s time to string together a few predictions for how it all ends in Season 5.  It was always fun to do this once upon a time after every Harry Potter book and see how far off the mark I ended up.  Understand, that there will be spoilers for those who haven’t watched the latest season to its conclusion and I have no special insight on what will happen.

Hawkins, IN is finished.  Starting with the most obvious, there have been small signs before the community may have been struggling for survival even before Will Byers disappearance.  With the town believed to be cursed and the Upside Down now bleeding through, it is unlikely the town will survive the last battle and may even be quarantined by the US Government as an unsafe location like a few communities have been in the real world.  Forever is a long time, however, and things may end up better in the end.

The end fight will be between Vecna vs. Eleven and Will.  Admittedly, I have seen the reports suggesting Will is going to have a major role in Season 5.  This has always been Will’s story just as much as Eleven’s and Vecna just proved himself to the be at the center and the source of the evil they’re fighting.  Some questions still have not been fully answered beyond believing in coincidence and sheer dumb luck.  Why was Will Byers a target of the Demogorgon?  How was Will able to survive when everyone else taken for an extended period died in the Upside Down?  It will also be curious to see what happens when the souls of those murdered by Vecna are released.

The other parents will be brought into the loop.  This will most likely be out of necessity for their safety and the fact they can no longer hide the secrets of Hawkins as easily as they could in the past.  We’ve seen them band together to try and save their children when it became obvious the Hellfire Club was a target.  Karen Wheeler has already shown herself to be a potentially strong ally for the fight ahead.  Ted Wheeler, on the other hand, will never be ready and is likely the be least prepared to accept the truth.

The Satanic Panic group will still be around.  When things go wrong, people tend to cling that much harder to the familiar shunning anything new or different.  Even though Jason Carver is dead the group he founded lives on.  There is always a chance they could help, but it is far more likely they could still hinder our heroes in the fight ahead.

Surviving members of the Nina Project will help against US Military.  In Season 4 we had a strange situation in which the Department of Energy was at war with the Department of Defense.  We know Agent Ellen Stinson is alive and free, Dr. Sam Owens is possibly alive and imprisoned, and Lt Col Jack Sullivan was temporarily stranded in Nevada. No mention has yet been made of a reconciliation leaving the possibility for future conflicts.  Sullivan can either choose to be an ally or the enemy, but he will not survive if he chooses the latter.

Someone will have healing powers.  Max has barely survived her encounter with Vecna, but she’s been broken, gravely injured, and beyond the ability of modern medicine to save.  There is no way to save a person who is brain dead.  As we’ve progressed through the series, new powers have come to light and not all of the possessed by Eleven.  It is an ability she may learn, Will may possess, or someone else may bring to the table.  I am confident Max will walk, see, and speak again.

Will Byers will die.  As much as I long for his happiness, I see him being set up to eventually sacrifice himself in order to save his friends and family.  How this will play out I cannot say.  He is hopelessly devoted to Mike and views Eleven as his twin sister sacrificing his own happiness so they can be together. All I can say to will is prove me wrong and beat the odds.

#Stranger Things #Season 5 #Predictions

[zeta-in-de-walls]

Another aspect of Tommy’s character which doesn’t get discussed enough is his very worryingly low sense of self-worth. 

His character used to have a fairly healthy view of himself. He may have come across ass arrogant to soe people but most of his ego is just jokes, perhaps even a cover for for his true feelings of inferiority. 

Tommy’s character gets called a problem an awful lot. He is regarded as a huge source of conflict on the server and this is an exaggeration but the character has internalised this. Best seen in scenes where he says he won’t argue about who blew up the community house as its easier not to, or where he doesn’t want to destroy the egg in fear of being responsible for another big war, saying he feels responsible for Doomsday. 

Before he got exiled, Tommy got called a liability to L’Manburg. The others cared, yes, but more like he was an issue they had to deal with rather than a person who made them stronger. And Tommy tried to point out how much he’d sacrificed for L’Manburg - but that was in the past to them - what was he giving up now? Was he not being selfish in going after his music discs? (Sure, it was - but he should’ve been allowed to. He should be allowed to be selfish and focus on himself rather than forever being asked to give.

In exile, Dream talked about how much better L’Manburg was without him, how nice the server looked now that he was gone. He explained how none of his friends relaly cared about him and that they were better off without him. Tommy began to see any sort of kindness as just pity because he didn’t feel valued. No one wanted him for himself. These feelings quickly grew to the point of despair with Tommy’s character contemplating suicide.

These feelings didn’t go away. He had some purpose at Techno’s place buteven Techno incidentally made things worse in calling him useless or talking about how he was just beginning to respect him. Tommy was in a very low-spot. That’s why the festival was such a triump as Tommy affirmed his own sense of worth when he chose to stand by Tubbo. Him keeping the axe of Peace was a moment of him declaring himself worthy. 

But more loss followed. He didn’t give up but his preparations for Dream felt like saying goodbye, preparing for his own death.

Finally defeating Dream, having the rest of the server band together to save him and finally getting that seemingly impossible win. For a while, things seemed to get better, finally assured that people cared even as former friends plotted to kill him. 

A lot of Tommy’s interactions with others in season 3 can be seen as Tommy looking for validation. He brought up Phil repeatedly, wanting him to be proud of him. (Phil though, views Tommy as a kind still.) He built his hotel as a way to show everyone that he could do things. He became closer to Sam, who genuinely seemed to care about him. 

Then he got trapped in prison and this time, no one saved him. He died only to be brought back forced to face that Dream was the one controlling his life. 

He got out, but was seeing how people seemed to be moving on. Tubbo had Ranboo now. He had his mansion and his own hotel and a husband and seemed to be thriving while Tommy was weak. 

Jack had stolen his hotel and yelled at him, saying he should have stayed dead. 

Tommy was afraid of Dream, feeling like he couldn’t be happy because anything he got attached to would get used against him or destroyed by Dream, why bother caring about things? He still had a really low sense of self worth and had moments of contemplating death, even knowing it was so awful. He was so very traumatised by everything and hated it - seeing his panic attacks and fear of damage as a weakness.

His plan to remove Dream from his life forever so he could move on backfired and he lost Ghostbur from his own actions. Sam told him he was the biggest problem the prison had and suggested he should have killed him. 

Now Wilbur has returned and Tommy hates that but he’s also missed him so much. Things went bad when Wilbur died, when he wasn’t there to look out for him. And Wilbur’s telling him he cares about him and Tommy’s missed it so much. But Wilbur’s also in a bad way and Tommy’s so very, very conflicted.

Aaaah. His sense of worth is so alarmingly low. Every seemingly healthy relationship seems to mess him up more and people keep affirming that he’s a problem, something he’s internalised. He just wants people to care about him! To respect him for who he is! To be able to love things and get attached without them dying or being used against him!

#tommyinnit #angst #meta #analysis #character analysis #tw suicidal thoughts #exile arc #sorry aaaah his character gives me such pain

[brodependent]

Sam loves Dean as much as Dean loves Sam: a meta

Much as I love reading good meta, I don’t often write meta. Thus please accept my apologies if this is mediocre, and let me start with a simple topic sentence:

Sam loves Dean as much as Dean loves Sam.

A little longer, now: Sam is even better at loving Dean than Dean is at loving Sam because of Dean’s profound and abiding love for Sam.

Confusing, right? But not really.

We all know how Dean lives and breathes SammySammySammywatchoutforSammy. It’s his defining mission, his ultimate purpose, or, as a therapist might say, his “core belief.” But sometimes I think that we allow adult!Dean too little autonomy. We assume that he can’t help himself: he’s locked into this single-minded focus, on loving and protecting the only family he has left.

That sells Dean short. (Hang in there, I promise I’ll get to Sam in a moment.)

Even people who have been forced into a certain way of life have choices. Even people who have been told who they are all their life have choices. Dean tells us, in Season 14, I’m good with who I am--and I, for one, believe him. Whether we follow canon all the way to 15x17, when Dean is finally brought back from the edge of his desire for revenge against Chuck by his love for Sam (the only thing that’s “real”), or whether we keep to season 1 when Dean said--that’s all we have...that’s all I have... and I want us to be a family again and as long as I’m around, nothing bad is gonna happen to you--Dean has always accepted his role as Sam’s big brother. Dean’s life is unabashedly Sam-centric. He’d change a lot of things, but in the end he’d change nothing, because he wouldn’t change that. 

Some fans get very het up about the codependent aspect of this. Others (in my opinion, rightly) defend it. There’s scads of meta on why the Winchester dynamic IS necessary for their mythic role in the narrative, and their human role in the narrative (more importantly), so I won’t write that meta now. All I’m saying is what I think you already know: Dean lives for Sam, his baby brother, and despite the grief, the growing pains, the occasional cruelty of desperate love, Dean said it all when he told Sam (and us), Don’t you ever think that there is anything, past or present that I would put in front of you.

So where does that leave Sam, and his love for Dean? Let’s start with that line I just quoted. Building on the above, Dean’s goal in life is to give Sam a life. He wants Sam to be happy. He wants him to be free. He also wants to keep him by his side forever, to control him for safety and comfort’s sake, and sometimes those instincts of a frightened-child-turned-traumatized-man win out. Dean isn’t perfect. Dean’s full of contradictions. But time and again he goes back to stone number one: what he can do for Sam. What he can offer Sam, by being the grunt, by standing in harm’s way. 

When we begin the story, Sam has succeeded in the path Dean helped carve for him. I’m not taking all the credit from Sam here, and giving it Dean: merely pointing out that Dean stepped into traditional parental roles and helped send Sam into adulthood, even though that meant Sam leaving him. We know that the night Sam left for Stanford was one of the worst of Dean’s life, but even in mid-season 1, Dean tells Sam he’s proud of him. You always know what you want. You stand up to Dad. Hell, sometimes I wish I--

(this, of course, is beautifully echoed in the series finale itself)

Dean is telling Sam what so many parents tell their children: you have gone places I never could, accomplished goals I never could, grown in grace and understanding like I never could. At least, I like to think that’s what the best parents tell their children.

To Dean, Sam is always the one with more hope. More wholeness. More options. To Sam, Dean is stone number one. 

You asked how Sam loves Dean, and my answer is: just look. Look at how Sam goes out into the world young, stands up to their father, makes his own decisions, fights back against Dean’s own nihilistic narrative through their primary losses and setbacks. Dean gave Sam the safety to build a better worldview than Dean himself has, and Sam turns that right back around and tries to give it to Dean. 

What do you think my job is? You’re my big brother--there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you. 

I can’t lose you.

You’re not a grunt, Dean, you’re a genius.

This is my life. I love it. But I can’t do it without my brother. I don’t want to do it without my brother.

I am going to save my brother. And then I’m going to kill you dead.

If you ever need to talk about anything with anybody, you got somebody right here next to you.

I believe in us.

This is just a small collection of Sam quotes showing his love for Dean. A small collection showing the persistent theme of Sam’s persistence. He knows that pushing chick-flick moments and emotional conversations can get jokes for a dime a dozen, and even the occasional punch thrown his way. He keeps at it anyway. When Sam knows Dean’s hurting, he wants to help. He’d do anything to help. He won’t sit around and see his brother turn into an embittered killer (season 2), go to hell for saving his life (season 3), take on the Trials (season 8), be irrevocably corrupted by the Mark of Cain (seasons 9-10), let him despair (seasons 11 and 13), let him sacrifice himself to an archangel’s grave (season 14), or let him lose his goodness to the whims of a vicious god (season 15). Sam fights for Dean with full use of his considerable gifts--intelligence, rationality, resourcefulness, and yes, the occasional blind rage. Sam looks to Dean, first as a leader, then as a judge, and finally as an equal. Sam has been looking up to Dean since he was four, yes, but over the course of the show he comes to look at Dean. With love, peace, understanding, humor, pain...whatever their inimitable connection requires.

The quotes I noted above also reveal Sam’s own conflicts rear up. Sam and Dean (again, in my opinion) are equally developed characters. Both have flaws and inconsistencies. Both have struggles inherent to their personalities and upbringings, distinct from those imposed on them by supernatural forces. 

Sam had a glimpse of a different life, once. He had the smarts, he had the drive, he had the sheer stubbornness to live a different life than John or Azazel or hell, even Lucifer had planned for him. But also in Sam--innate in Sam--is his core of goodness and compassion and the principle of doing right, which leads him back into the life and to soul-crushing sacrifice again and again.

Sam breaks and is broken. Sam suffers and ages and spends more time in hell than even Dean, who went to protect him.

But what keeps Sam going? Dean. Dean can’t live without Sam. We know that. The flip side is that Sam doesn’t want to live without Dean. Importantly, I think, he has more choice in the matter. Dean focused his whole childhood identity on giving Sam a life that meant he had choices, even if Dean didn’t know he was doing that. Sam can move through more crowds, more roles, more relationships. He has a better education, he has a more powerful ability to intellectually reason and detach. He would have made a great lawyer. Yet he casts all this aside out of sheer willpower, choosing instead to love Dean and live with Dean through the chaos of their lives, and to go near mad when Dean is gone. Consider Sam in season 4, Sam in season 10...Sam in season 8 trying to atone for the very choice that Dean (the best part of Dean) wanted him to make, even if the real muddle of Dean’s psyche couldn’t forgive him, for a time, for making it.

All of this leads us to the finale. 

You said you wish Sam had said I love you back to Dean in the finale. I argue that he did. He made his love perfectly clear to Dean in that moment by holding his hand, by looking in his eyes. He said, you can go now, when all he wanted was for Dean to stay. 

The best part of Dean wanted Sam to have happiness and freedom. At the end of his life, Dean was finally able to communicate that without fear or reservation. 

But the bittersweet brilliance of that moment is that Sam--the Stanford boy who went to hell and back, who saved the world, brought down one god and raised another--no longer wanted any kind of happiness or freedom that didn’t include the one person who’d been by his side all along. Dean was giving his blessing for a path that didn’t beckon Sam anymore. And yet: Sam said yes to it out of the love for Dean. Sam went out of that barn, out of the bunker, out of that day and that year and that decade and into the next and the next, out of love for Dean. Sam loved Dean by living. He loved Dean by raising another Winchester. He loved Dean by holding all their contradictions, flaws, and heroisms in his heart (in their car), until he’d done what he set out to do many times over. 

Then he met Dean on a mended bridge, dressed in old clothes that said: I was happiest at the beginning. I was happiest when we could be brothers again. I took my time getting here anyway, because I know that was what you wanted. I took my time so that we could be happiest now.

If that isn’t love, I don’t know what is.

#my meta #meta #spn meta #the epic love story of sam and dean #sam winchester #dean winchester #spn positive #spn #supernatural #carry on #spn finale #sam loves dean as much as dean love sam #winchesters #sam n dean #sam and dean

[chainofclovers]

Ted Lasso 2x7 Thoughts

“Headspace” is a very apt name for this episode, in which we learned almost no new information about the characters in Ted Lasso but learned a great deal about the way many characters’ brains work.

Most of the episodes this season have been so full of new information (if you wanna know something about how my brain works, the critique that early s2 episodes lack conflict does not compute), so full of dramatic irony (Sam and Rebecca don’t realize they’re messaging each other on Bantr! Rebecca’s voicemail to Ted doesn’t actually indicate that she spent a significant portion of time panicking and looking for him!), and misunderstandings that it was really nice to spend a bit over thirty minutes on an episode with very easily mappable plotlines.

Ted and Sharon and Therapy

Ordinarily in my little recaps I talk about the characters as real people making their own decisions, because every character on this show feels very real. But I have to take a minute to just, like, celebrate the acting in these scenes. Sarah Niles and Jason Sudeikis brought the perfect energy to each of their three scenes in Dr. Sharon’s office.

The drinking bird toy! The way he switches from nodding along with it to shaking his head no while the bird continues to shake its head yes, just like Ted shook his head no while saying yes, they should hire a sports psychologist! The way he finally stills the bird in the final therapy scene in the episode...but performatively throws the tissue box.

(Someone is going to need those tissues, Ted. It might be you.)

I also LOVE that this is the first time we see Sharon in an extended scene that takes place in a session. We’ve seen her rapport with the players, we’ve seen the results, and we’ve seen the things she does to make someone feel comfortable at the start of a session, and that’s all the information WE need to know to feel confident in her excellence as a psychologist. But because Ted hasn’t been able to fully appreciate those things, it’s so fitting that his sessions are a time for us to learn more about Sharon’s approach along with him.

It’s just...such good acting. The way she tells him he doesn’t need to worry. The kind of charming (but not performatively charming, just...charming) smile on his face when he claims he knows he doesn’t need to worry. And the way his voice changes a little as the conversations progress—deeper, less controlled, with some very genuine Midwestern “ma’am”s.

Sam and Rebecca and Awkwardness

Sam and Rebecca were so awkward when talking to each other in the hallway! If I had been in that hallway I would have been physically unable to stop myself from doing something even more awkward and diverting to make it stop. (I say this as someone who is neither disgusted by or delighted by the direction of the Bantr storyline. This is a good story about two good people who are in very different places in their lives existing in both a manufactured connection and the real, and very different, connection they have when they aren’t glued to their phones. This story is supposed to be awkward and uncomfortable.)

I did like the parallels of their friends sort of urging them on/coaching them through the inherent panic of the three dots that appear and disappear—a source of panic whether you’re the one creating the dots on the other screen or watching them and feeling at their mercy.

I like that in this episode both Ted and Rebecca are loudly broadcasting “I AM NOT IN THE RIGHT HEADSPACE FOR A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP”—Ted with his rueful awareness that Michelle would be upset if she heard him still referring to her as his wife, Rebecca with her insistence that relationships are doomed and awful even though she’s talking to two people (Keeley and Higgins) in committed relationships.

Roy and Keeley and Space

This plot was a really wonderful...counterpoint? complement? to the places both Ted and Rebecca are in as Ted starts to come to terms with the fact that he’s going to have to deal with his past and the losses he’s suffered (including the loss of his marriage) and as Rebecca questions whether she’s really going to embark on the next phase of a relationship with someone whose identity she does not know.

Because Ted and Rebecca are stuck apart, it was great to see Keeley struggle with needing space from Roy without worrying for a second about whether or not this challenge was a threat to their relationship. (Keeley and Roy aren’t used to long haul relationships, so they both see it as a threat, but the audience doesn’t have to.)

There was so much going on in that boot room. I love the coexisting realities there—Rebecca and Keeley and Higgins treating the boot room as their personal room for secret smoking, but as the crowd grows all these other unspoken dynamics emerge (it’s been two days since the panic attack and this is the first time we see Ted and Rebecca in the same room and there’s no evidence that they’ve talked about what happened with the panic attack or Rebecca’s parents or any of the big stuff).

Everything about Keeley’s plotline this episode reminded me of how Ted and Keeley are so similar (and, to a lesser extent, Rebecca and Roy are so similar). Rebecca and Roy both tend to write things off (Rebecca is so certain any relationship she has will be doomed, but it’s just because of how hurt she already is; Roy wanted to convince himself he was happier as a pundit than as a coach, but it’s just because he was scared of how much he wanted to be back on on the pitch), only able to deal with things when a safe person like Ted or Keeley sort of startles growth out of them. (We talk a lot about how Rebecca should be in therapy, but Roy should too.) And Ted and Keeley! Everything’s great, everything’s sunny, but look at how Keeley stands on her couch and screams in sadness and anger when she blows up at Roy and he leaves.

This time, things work out between Roy and Keeley because he figures out what Keeley was trying to communicate and respects what she needs, but in the future she’s going to have to figure out how to articulate herself more clearly. (And so will Ted...not only in therapy with Sharon, but as everything with the other coaches and the team and Will and basically everyone in his life come to light.)

Nate and Beard and Twitter-Insecurity-Rage

Ahhhhhhhhh.

This plotline made me feel almost as nervous for Ted (the things he doesn’t know) and Beard (the things he knows) as it did for Nate and Colin and Will and everyone.

At first I was really bothered by the repetition of Nate checking Twitter. We know! He’s on Twitter a lot now that he’s semi-famous! He’s obsessed! But then it occurred to me that it’s extremely perfect that Nate checking Twitter becomes this silent refrain building him up or tearing him down based on the latest 280-character compliment or take-down. Because this is how the internet works! You get obsessed with something on it and then check it a million times per day until you feel sick. It could be a dating app, or a trending story, or almost anything. If you check it often enough, the internet won’t even have anything truly new for you...it just feels like it does. So the repetition of Nate scrolling Twitter wasn’t meant to deliver us new information, but rather to mimic the old information coming through again and again.

I feel so deeply for Nate, who’s brilliant about football but unfit to coach because the power dynamics of coaching are a totally foreign concept to someone like him, who relies entirely on external inputs to take his actions. Ted and Beard and Roy all go and learn things and bring them back to the pitch, but none of them have had the capacity to teach Nate how to do this. Even Nate’s private thoughts, which he wrote down during s1, only come to light when Ted prompts him. And when your external inputs are coming from social media and an unappreciative father and a hyper-awareness of insult after years spent on the receiving end of bullying...it’s very dangerous. Maybe even literally physically dangerous.

I also feel so deeply for everyone who interacts with Nate right now, particularly Will.

Some Bonus but Never Extraneous Trent Crimm

Trent in the pub made me NERVOUS. Seeing him in this new place where Ted goes to wind down, almost coaching Ted through lying to him about having had food poisoning?! When they both clearly know that isn’t what happened?!?

It felt very fitting that this uncomfortable yet kind-of-mercifully-executed lie takes place towards the end of an episode full of such positive and negative growth for the characters. Such movement. It felt all wrong (in a good way), like covering something new and smooth and precious with spackle because maybe you actually wanna paint something else after all even though it won’t serve you in the long run to do it. To paraphrase Dr. Sharon, the truth will set you free but first it will piss you off, and Ted’s conversation with Trent is a reminder of all the layers there are to cut through on the way to the truth.

If Apple TV could simply release 2x8 - 2x12 this week, I would bargain with something crazy and miserable like giving up caffeine until October 8, the air date for the season finale. I continue to love this season and to feel the serenity of watching excellent actors execute on excellent scripts...but we’re getting to the point where the momentum’s built up and is heading to ever-scarier places, and I neeeeeeeeeed to knoooooooow.

#ted lasso #ted lasso s2 spoilers #meta by me #ted lasso 2x7 #a lesbian watches ted lasso

[lysteriaposts]

I've seen a lot of showrunners act dumb on social media because they like the attention they get from fans, but H*yden is on another level. At this point I have to assume the other 2 don't say anything to him because they're used to their friend being like this. What's funny is that he claims that Tory was trying to make Miguel jealous... then why did she jump into Robby's lap to make out with him, when Miggy wasn't there to see?? Why was she super worried about Robby during the tournament?? Does he think we're all stupid?? She also kicked Miguel's face at the party with Robby's help lmao. H*yden has Tor*guel shippers calling him a king and celebrating their "endgame", but as annoying as he is, no one is going to give out a major part of their show's ending on Twitter... not to mention the show is far from over and I doubt they have the series finale script already. Miguel didn't give a rat's ass that Tory was with Kreese, who he knows is a bad dude, and Sam threw a tantrum at Robby dancing with Tory but didn't care he was training with two dangerous men. How is that true love?? Not to mention that if Miguel and Robby are finally going to start their step-brothers journey next season, I doubt the best way to do it is by... switching gfs?? This show still has a couple of more years, so I don't know how I'm gonna put up with H*yden starting shit on Twitter so he can laugh at fans who come into his mentions. I feel like the show itself has made it clear over the past 4 seasons that Sam is the one for Miguel, so idk why they'd suddenly do a 180º and make Miguel dump Sam to get with a girl he hasn't interacted with much for 2 seasons.

Then again, I get a weird vibe from the showrunners because they love the ex-nerd/popular hot girl trope with H*wkMoon, Yasm*tri and I guess Samguel/Tor*guel are also an example of that.

Let me directly address that last part... it is *nauseating* to see them obsessed with that trope and also write them so unrealistically. I absolutely hate all those relationships BECAUSE of that trope. Especially the Yasmine/Demetri one because it is TOO cheesy. She's so 2D and unlikable and Demetri was like my favourite character for the first three seasons, his development was really interesting and then it just halted because "he got the girl of his dreams". Lame. I basically wanted to gouge my eyes out everytime they were on screen, which were too many, this season.

They've also ruined Sam/Miguel because of their on-and-off. I was never that into them, but the constant self inflicted problems and trust issues definitely has not helped make it look attractive nor functional. I wouldn't mind Miguel getting together with someone else after his dad drama, just not Tory or any of the girls we know, he doesn't need the baggage. I also think that they should do more with Sam as a firstborn Larusso kid, and not make her always be in the middle of all the love mess... I feel like they dropped the ball with her ever since the beginning of the series, there was so much you could've done with her but no they chose "love triangle", tragic. Now it's too late because they've brought Anthony into the mix.

I am not a big Hawk fan, but the fact that they had to forcefully make Moon get back together with him for him to gain his confidence back was lazy and forced writing... he should've gained confidence by himself not through her. And the fact that they dropped the ONLY lgbt rep they had with Moon/Piper for yet another nerd/popular girl story is tasteless lol. I could see Miguel/Tory vaguely falling into that stereotype, but I just can't put Tory in the same category as Sam/Moon/Yasmine especially not after s4. That's also why I'm against Tory/Sam becoming friends because I don't see that they have anything in common except love interests, and I just find it unrealistic. I would be here for a peace treaty though and stop the antagonism, like Amanda said.

And when you look at all these copy-and-paste relationships, you actually start appreciating Robby/Tory much more because they are NOT cookie cutter and "forced" (a lot of people don't know what that term means clearly). They're actually the pair that makes *most* sense and feels *most* natural out of the relationships I mentioned and out of the love square. They would bond in whatever circumstance because of their similarities, whereas Sam/Robby and Tory/Miguel happened because they were in the same house or the same dojo and because "boy and girl" basically. Now no more switching, or you won't just ruin Sam and Miguel but Robby and Tory too. As I said before you have to start deepening relationships at a certain point and not just have a bunch of meaningless drama.

And you bring up a lot of good points from the show that shows complete lack of logic in what Hayden is claiming. But again, I think that's the purpose of his tweets. He's fanning the flames, not being serious, trolling. Is he bored or why is he doing it? Beats me. I'm just going to go by what the show tells me like you usually do, and it tells me this nonsense is over at least for Robby and Tory.

#cobra kai #miguel diaz #robby keene #tory nichols #sam larusso #keenry #cobra kai spoilers #cobra kai season 4

[deans-haunted-baby]

Okay I see there are those who are confused as to why most of us are pissed about 15x19 I will gladly explain in depth:

Let’s start off with our boys Adam Milligan & Michael. These characters have not been seen for 10 fucking years. During that time there were Adam stans like myself campaigning like mad to have him and the infamous archangel return for some much needed closure. We had to content ourselves with headcanons, fanfictions and metas based on what we briefly knew of Adam and Michael as people while they unfairly sat in Hell. You might have seen the “Adam’s Still in Hell” memes that circulated. WE WAITED OVER A DECADE FOR THIS. And finally SPN answers our prayers and returns these boys back into the story for the final season. None of us anticipated what their arc and dynamic would look like. Before we could only imagine who these two characters were/are after having been trapped in a cage so long; what their personalities would be like and if they’d be antagonistic to TFW. 15x08 was a surprise because not only were Adam and Michael likable right out of the gate but the writing for them and their dynamic was damn near flawless! And Jake fucking stole the show he killed it as these two. It’s a crime they were not featured in more episodes because the chemistry between these characters is amazing and they’re played by the same dude.

We were given so much background into both Adam and Michael’s psyches in just a short period of time. Their motivations, interests and how they viewed those that wronged them (like the Winchesters); how Hell affected/changed them both and how they viewed their families. We got to see them banter, cooperate with one another and most importantly their different personalities. With Jake Abel appearing in only a handful of SPN episodes, he still fleshed out Michael and Adam beautifully; giving them layers and complexities that most side-characters (who’ve appeared more times than they have) didn’t. The way Jake played Adam’s anger and resentment towards his brothers was brilliant because it’s more under the surface compared to his angsty teenage self in 5x18. He’d become somewhat restrained, laid-back, gentler and wiser which works because Adam displays traits similar to Sam and Dean. He’s kinder and has a sense of humor but none of that distracts from rational thought as he’s quick to analyze and dissect situations. Man, he would’ve made a great hunter/Men of Letters recruit. We know right off the bat Adam’s pissed at his brothers for abandoning him in a thousand-year-prison-sentence and didn’t lift a finger BUT that ironically doesn’t compromise his willingness to help them unlike his past self in 5x18. Jake gets the point across with this character without saying much and that’s what made him so compelling to watch in this episode.

Now Michael was even more of a mystery onion since he wasn’t onscreen as much as Adam had been in past episodes so Jake got to really build on top of this character. Going from the uptight, cold-blooded merciless celestial warrior/dutiful son of God we saw in 5x22 to someone whom despite his arrogance and regal princely demeanor was very human, intelligent, fair, mindful and compassionate. He trusted Adam and respected his opinions even if he didn’t agree 100%. Whereas most angels take over the vessel completely from their original occupant; Michael chooses to share his vessel with Adam as a mutual agreement which says a lot about who he is. He’s fascinated with humanity and wanted to explore it instead of returning to his throne in the clouds. We know that Michael was created specifically to be Humanity’s protector and guardian of Heaven and Earth so these quirks he’d demonstrated in 15x08 aren’t too far off. He holds a lot of pain inside from his abandonment issues with his father whom he loves to a fault and grief over the death of his brothers. On the surface there’s very much an abused child syndrome thing going on with him though he masks it with a domineering presence. And above all this we saw that he was capable of forgiveness. Whether or not Michael always had these traits inside to begin with, its very evident that his friendship with Adam influenced the person he became post-Hell. And that was someone who, like Castiel, chose to rebel for the sake of free will by aligning himself with the Winchesters after witnessing the evil his father had committed. He actually cared about saving the world. This is what we call character development.

What does 15x19 do? It shits all over that. We don’t get to see Adam and Michael’s dynamic at all; and this was perhaps one of (if not the first) most healthy portrayal of a relationship between an angel and its original vessel occupant in the history of Supernatural. Adam is just killed off-screen Thanos style without so much as one last word and Michael barely reacts like he gives a crap. It was just established to us in 15x08 that he’d developed an emotional bond with Adam through years of inhabiting the same body. He protected Adam while they were trapped together in Hell. They were each other’s only friend and source of comfort. They’d developed a certain co-dependency on each other while respecting one another’s space. They’d both made peace with their joint situation. All they had was each other and the writing in 15x19 basically tells us their relationship meant absolutely NOTHING to Michael based on his OOC actions in this episode. He shows up much darker and shadier now that Adam is gone and its like all those years of friendship, things like that independence, newfound strength and humility he’d gained from living with a human for so long are erased. Michael just reverts back to Chuck’s 5x22 bitchboy persona in the most ridiculous 180 shift I’ve ever seen in my whole damn life. And all because his little brother called him mean names. Pitiful. Just when he lectures Lucifer about standing up for what’s right; he betrays his own words, his allies and the rest of humanity in T-minus 2 minutes. That is total character assassination. Nothing about this motivation makes any sense.

There’s no build up to it, no foreshadowing in 15x08 or throughout 15x19 until they get to the lake. He’s completely deconstructed as a character in this episode and rendered weak. It’s like 15x08 never happened. Stripped of all his development for lousy shock value. Instead utilizing all of what he’d learned through Adam and sticking it to Lucifer by proving he could be more than what Chuck tried to mold him into; Michael becomes just another NPC in the story forfeiting the hero he was. And his reasons for siding with Chuck are never specified. Was it about about saving Adam? Was it about proving something to Lucifer (whom he’d already killed in anti-climatic fashion)? Was it all an act that he was in on with the Winchesters; cause there’s absolutely NO FUCKING WAY they could’ve predicted he’d flip on them like that for their magical plan to work. Not after everything Chuck’s done, killing Adam and Jack and leaving Michael to rot in Hell for eternity. And why would he suddenly go along with destroying the Earth when defeating Chuck would probably get Adam back (if that was his goal) which IT DID not to mention its his sworn duty to freaking protect humanity, hello? So his betrayal meant jack shit in the end as it got him killed by his fucking dad!! He’s brought back into the show only to be ruined forever and killed off in the stupidest fashion.

Moving on.

Jack Kline & Castiel. This iron-clad relationship has been in development for 4 in 1/2 years since before Jack was even born. And next to Adam & Michael its the other most healthy relationship on the show. Castiel, a million year old celestial being, spent the first 9 years of his arc on Supernatural following around the Winchesters, being torn between his loyalty to them and to Heaven. He rebelled when he was supposed to be a straight-by-the-book warrior of God. And he defied every rule in the process even when the odds were stacked against him. There was an endless rinse and repeat cycle of love, loss, betrayal and redemption when it came to his relationship with Sam and Dean. It made his character complex, interesting and layered but it still didn’t give him an arc that was his own. Castiel started out moreso being written as just the Winchester’s angel BFF/side-kick. Until Lucifer got Kelly Kline pregnant in 12x08 then things really took off. Before this, Castiel was a lost soul. His faith was broken, he was depressed, lonely, battered and rundown from years of being conflicted over the other angels and Sam & Dean. He felt he’d lost a sense of self and meaning in his life. And didn’t have a mission. Once he turned on Heaven’s orders, Castiel was a rebel angel without a cause so to speak. But like I said this changes the moment he meets Kelly.

Originally Castiel was suppose to kill Kelly in 12x19 because she was carrying the child of the devil and Nephilim are considered forbidden abominations. Told that if Lucifer’s kid was born he could unleash even more evil into the world. But instead of doing what he thought he should, Castiel decides to runaway with her. Choosing to protect her from all threats (Lucifer, demons, other angels, princes of Hell); this especially included the Winchesters. During this short time-frame the angel develops a strong, emotional bond with Kelly and her unborn son that stretches all the way to the S12 finale; to the point where it actually gave him a power-boost. From the womb, Jack appoints Castiel to be his father and protector and he’s given a glimpse into the child’s destiny that he’ll bring paradise to the world. A prophecy that the writers establish head on. This is an unusual circumstance because right here is where Castiel’s solo arc apart from the Sam & Dean takes shape. The journey of becoming a first time parent and guardian. Its a new kind of independence that for the first time has nothing to do with his friends or his family members/colleagues in the sky. Its his own personal mission that he willingly accepts, the second he connects with Jack from inside Kelly. Castiel immediately falls in love with him, before they even see each other; and adopts the boy devoting himself to keeping him safe. Making a promise to Kelly that would later become a vital plot-point in the seasons to come.  

Castiel literally risks everything (Heaven and Earth) to ensure Jack’s birth and ends up dead by 12x23′s startling conclusion. Leaving the newborn infant Nephilim alone in the care of the Winchesters going into season 13; scared, confused and aged into a seemingly 18 year old boy for his own protection. And Alexander Calvert who is a fantastic addition to the cast really brings something wonderful to this role; he’s like a breath of fresh air and a bright light in the middle of a dark room. Jack’s naïve, innocent and curious about his surroundings but also as Castiel once put it “remarkably intuitive”. Right when he’s introduced his arc is intentionally paralleled with Castiel’s. Their alien-fish-out-of-water beginning is practically identical as is their adorable stoic facial expressions. Like father like son. And this helps because while the angel is currently dead in the beginning of season 13, there’s an empty void he’s left behind. So Jack is kind of his temporary stand-in. Odd enough this type of switcharoo would’ve been considered very controversial but it’s handled quite well. Alex is so likable and charming I almost wish Supernatural had introduced him sooner. I mean I really thought I was looking at Castiel’s actual mini-me and not the son of Satan. But I digress Jack’s story in the first half of this season is pretty much about discovery and reuniting with Castiel. He’s a baby so everything is new to him but he’s also one of the most powerful beings in the universe destined for greatness which makes the Winchesters very nervous.

Jack remembers choosing Castiel as his dad which is why he already feels strongly connected to him. Its a bond so powerful that it actually resurrects Castiel out of the Empty the first time. Something Chuck himself was unable to do (that was until the mess that is 15x19). When they’re finally reunited the payoff comes so naturally. Misha and Alex have such a phenomenal onscreen chemistry starting with that first hug; they really play off one another so well that it doesn’t feel like two angels interacting but a genuine father and son duo. So much of what makes Jack and Castiel’s relationship so relatable, deep and endearing is because of what the actors bring to it. But they’re not just a fascinating relationship, they’re compelling on their own too. Both trying to find their way in the world and within the Winchesters’ lives. Death is no stranger to either of them (tragic being that Jack is only a toddler). They’ve each experienced their own personal pain, traumas, life lessons, mistakes and decisions. The biggest for Castiel would be his deal with the Empty to save Jack in 14x08. While for Jack it was the consequences of said deal that would lose his soul causing him to accidently kill Sam and Dean’s mom in 14x18 as a result (something that Jack struggles with immensely to the brink of depression from so much guilt and regret that he’d rather die). Repercussions that would follow into the shows final season. What’s interesting about this deal though is that Castiel made it on parental instinct alone not as a promise to Kelly. He chose to sacrifice himself for the sake of his son as a selfless act of love and kept it a secret from Sam & Dean until his death in 15x18. That’s the extent how much this child meant to him. The other great thing about their family dynamic is that it parallels nicely with the Winchesters. Castiel and Jack share this unconditional love that can never be broken. its even greater than their ties to the Winchesters themselves just as Sam & Dean’s love for each other is greater than any of their other relationships. They would do anything for each other. Castiel would go to the ends of the earth for the little nougat baby because that’s his son.  

Each time these characters were faced with danger or died, Castiel and Jack were overcome with extreme devastation and distress. That said its not just pain that binds these two its happiness. Jack is the best thing that ever happened to Castiel. Literally becoming a father to that child saved him. It brought him back to life, restored his faith and gave him a sense of self-worth and hope he’d long since abandoned. And for Jack, Castiel is the best dad he’ll ever have! He gave this baby comfort, wisdom, nurturing, strength. Was always there when he needed him whether it was to talk or to have his back. No other person in Jack’s life has ever made such an important impact nor made him feel more safe and loved than Castiel. Even when Jack had done such a horrible thing to Mary alienating himself from his family; it was Castiel’s unyielding devotion to Jack that ended up being his salvation. This was huge because once again he’d chosen over the Winchesters proving that no matter what (whether it be the world ending) his son comes first. So when Castiel’s pact with the Empty finally comes due in 15x18 you’d think it’d have an earth-shattering affect on Jack in 15x19. I mean for the first bit it does...until he becomes God. Then its like to hell with that relationship. Castiel is a complete afterthought to Jack and the rest of TFW in this episode. JACK DOESN’T EVEN GET TO GRIEVE HIM PROPERLY. And he just lost his dad because of a deal he’d made a year ago for him. A DEAL JACK HAS BEEN FUCKING DREADING WHILE HE WAS SOULLESS MIND YOU. And when he finally has the power to bring him back, he doesn’t? Jack just walks around with a conceited smirk on his face, bids Sam and Dean adieu and fucks off. I mean who gives a shit right, its only your dad that you love more than anything. This was extremely OOC given that time in 14x14 Jack nearly lost his shit when Castiel got infected with gorgon poison; the anti-venom wasn’t working so Jack resorts to using his powers putting his soul at risk.

I mean if he was so limited to helping Castiel in the Empty AT LEAST FREAKING CLARIFIY THIS TO THE AUDIENCE. This is not about shipping a certain pairing btw. Jack becoming God is not the issue its his characterization after the fact. His first instinct would’ve been to save his dad above getting in touch with the Earth. Yes we knew this transformation was coming it was foreshowed way back in Season 12. Does that justify bad writing or character assassination?? HELL NO.

This is what I’m talking about, episode 15x19 deliberately butchers these characters and their relationships. It shat all over them. No one is behaving like themselves. The pacing is wonky and inconstant. The script feels like it underwent several rewrites and I swear there were scenes cut out. The acting is off too and maybe the pandemic could be blamed for these things but it ultimately falls on the writer. Buckleming screwed up by showing us they don’t know who the hell these characters are, their motivations nor do they give a rat’s ass. And its noticeable on screen. I’ve known better fanfiction writers for SPN than these guys. It’s like they all came back to work but just didn’t care to put the effort into it. That’s why people like me are upset and we have every freaking right to be. Some of us have been with this series for the entire 15 year run. I at least expect these characters to be handled better and for things to make sense. 15x19 doesn’t and its not satisfying its just a cruel joke. The writers and Dabb should be embarrassed to have put this out there thinking we’d just swallow it and shut up. But far as I’m concerned the only thing this episode serves is to disrespect and ruin everybody while angering long-time fans.

MICHAEL. ADAM MILLIGAN. JACK KLINE AND CASTIEL DESERVED BETTER. And that’s the tea.

#adam milligan #Jack Kline #supernatural #castiel #michael the archangel #michael spn #SPN #midam #dadstiel #adam x michael #castiel x jack #spn 15x19 #supernatural season 15 #michael #spn spoilers #spn season 15 part 2 #spn rant #spn meta #THERE IS NO JUSTIFICATION FOR WHAT HAPPENED HERE #supernatural 15x19

[lipstickbisous]

𝐢𝐟 𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐢 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐲𝐨𝐮 | 𝟏

notes: this isn’t gonna be a long series, maybe like three or four parts!! but i feel like something with bucky was much needed! and it’s honestly impossible for me to write a pure fluff for him bc he’s such an angsty character.

and it’s going to sound like a stucky fic but maybe that's foreshadowing, maybe not...and (you’ll see later) but this isn’t skinny shaming!! it’s just sort of to exaggerate how hurt the reader is

pairing: bucky barnes x reader, former!steve rogers x reader

summary: in which steve rogers is the villian, and two stranded strangers find solace in each other.

warnings: ANGST, steve is a dick, mentions of anxiety and not eating,

word count: 3.9k

masterlist - series masterlist

⊱ ────── {.⋅ ✯ ⋅.} ────── ⊰ bucky’s alone now, but then again, he always has been. that feeling of emptiness that sits deep inside his stomach and visits him every hour of the day isn’t foreign. in fact, he’s been living with it for seventy years now and in a lifetime, he’s gotten used to it. bucky used to be terrified of the void he’d see when he went to sleep every night. his room in siberia was dark, the walls were drab, and the floors were dirtied with mud and dried blood. thankfully, that was his past. he thought bucarest would be his new home, even if it was a tiny apartment with creaky floors and a leakyceiling, it was his. he’d even placed a few flowers he’d picked in a small vase on his dining table, but they’d died in a matter of days and bucky had never gone flower picking again. however, when the newspapers read of the winter soldier and the attack in vienna, he knew it was time to run again. steve had been waiting for him. he had every reason to be cautious, but to see a face that was slightly familiar--bucky’s memory was still foggy--made him realize that maybe...he wasn’t so alone anymore. maybe steve could explain to tony that it wasn’t bucky at the UN, maybe they would invite him into their home and help him, and maybe he would finally have a family. wrong. bucky felt that it was partially his fault that steve could no longer return to his life. steve rogers was now a fugitive on the run because his best friend couldn’t control himself. but even bucky found hope in that--they could be on the run together. “it’ll be like old times” he’d told himself before falling asleep on the quinjet, only to wake up in a foreign country and steve saying goodbye. if bucky was being honest, his time in wakanda had been the most peace he had in over seventy years. he’d been frozen for six months, but it wasn’t the same way HYDRA had done it. before, he would wake up with freezer-burn bruises, unhealed cuts, and random sore spots. but when he’d opened his eyes to a utopian city-like view, bucky was...relieved. the sight of the jungle every morning was a soothing reminder that the violence of his previous life was over. there was no strange ache in his back anymore. “when healing, the best thing to do after caring for yourself is caring for others”. the goats had been a gift from t’challa, and bucky’s heart was constantly swelling as the year passed and they grew. he’d traded the metal arm for a patterned cloak and lived in the outskirts of the city. it was the quiet, peaceful life that bucky had been looking forward to since 1945. until steve rogers wove his way back into his life with the reasoning that “the world is in danger and we’re the ones to save it”. of course, bucky was glad to see a familiar face after two years, but steve was also a nudge that the quiet peace was over and would be for a while. all bucky could remember was calling out to steve and a dryness in his throat as his stomach rumbled like he hadn’t eaten a single piece of food in months. his bones started to wobble in their places, he lost control of spasming muscles before he watched his fingers, hand, and soon arm turn into particles of ash that would collect on the forest floor of wakanda. his eyes closed and his mind rested. it was almost like being frozen again, except there wasn’t the stinging sensation of ice collecting on his skin. when he woke, a strange man in a red cape was telling him, “we have to go. they need us.” he’d watched tony die without ever receiving a real apology from bucky. not that it was necessary, but bucky still held guilt for every assassination and mission he’d done. he’d comforted steve with the loss of his friend, and just for a split second, bucky had hope. life would be good from then on--he and steve would finally be there for each other. it’d be like life in brooklyn before super heroes and mad titans taking over the universe. he knew that steve would help him settle, find his own place, walk through public without strange stares, and maybe even get a girl. “i’m gonna go back for her,” steve had said one night. they’d been sitting at the dining table in his apartment. he’d been gracious enough to let bucky stay until he could get back on his feet, but the place suddenly didn’t feel like home. “i saw her...when we went back. i just- it felt so right. to see her right then and there.”bucky was speechless to say the least. he didn’t need a name to know who had their hand around steve’s heart. his hand gripped the couch cushion, feeling the stiff stuffing crumple in his palm.

“but what about (y/n)? a-and i’ll need help finding an apartment, a small one in brooklyn is fine, but-”

“you can have this one,” steve shrugged, crossing his arms and leaning back on the couch. his eyebrows were furrowed in such a way that he almost looked confused, but bucky knew that steve had already made up his mind. he would return the stones tomorrow and never come back. “and she knows, buck, i wouldn’t just leave without telling her.”

it all hit bucky like a brick. “that’s why i haven’t seen her around lately,” he nodded slowly, but there was a pit in his stomach. it left a shaky feeling in his throat and the contents of his dinner were threatening to spill.

steve nodded, but he didn’t seem to be so bothered. “she’s not happy...obviously,” he sighed. “but i went without her for five years. i know this sounds awful, buck, trust me, i’m the one who had to tell her, but...i just sort of got used to life without her, as hard as it was.” meanwhile, bucky was still processing being alone all over again. “but you can have this place. sam will be here, and (y/n)...it’ll take time but i know she’ll heal. it’ll be okay.”

the next day, bucky noticed that (y/n) didn’t arrive to the lake house. she wasn’t there to wave steve goodbye, or to watch him return with gray hair and a wrinkled forehead, to hand off the shield to sam. it was hard to imagine how she felt--a man she’d abandoned her own life for now abandoned her. steve knew she had every right to be mad, but something about the way it didn’t even bother steve to leave her behind was infuriating. bucky had turned from the platform, ignoring sam’s yells of confusion and banner’s frustrated only to see a white-haired man sitting in front of the lake.

he wanted to run towards steve and wrap his arms around him, but the thought of her alone now angered the deepest pit in his stomach. bucky wanted to collide his fist into the old man’s cheek—steve’s been punched before, sure, he can take it again—but bucky froze. steve’s eyes were old and withered, and as heartbreaking as it was, they looked tired. the wrinkles on his cheeks and forehead showed he’d lived his life and experienced it well. and deep down, bucky knew it was what he deserved. but why’d he have to leave the people who loved him to do it?

―

(y/n) was seeing a world of crimson and blazing fire. everything in her mind was crumbling while everyone else celebrated reunions. families were brought back together, loved ones returned, but instead, she was left alone. steve rogers had taken her heart in his palm and toyed with it for seven long years. she’d followed him blindly and let him lead her through flames.when she’d returned, she could sense that time had passed. five years that could’ve been spent with steve—maybe even marrying and finding a home, starting a family—were gone. of course, that was the first thing that came to mind when (y/n) felt herself awaking from a sickening sleep. she had risen in the forest floor of wakanda and noticed bucky by her side, just as confused as she was. but instead of realizing the world needed saving, she thought of steve.

it’d been a month after tony’s funeral. she’d settled back into this new world rather well in her opinion and finally she had a peaceful life with the man she loved. a small apartment in brooklyn was a big enough home for (y/n) when steve was there with her. bucky even stayed during the nights. life felt...normal. she could get used to this. “you know i love you,” steve had told her one night. the tv had been quietly playing a stupid reality show that (y/n) had five years worth of season to catch up on. with his feet propped up on the couch, one arm on the back and one around her shoulders, he squeezed.

there was a giggle—one that steve hadn’t heard in half a decade and missed it dearly. “i know, stevie,” she smiled before popping a chip in her mouth. she offered one to steve, but when she turned to face him, (y/n) was met with a blank expression and a deeper one of discomfort. “hey, are you okay?” panic attacks had become frequent with steve—he’d been alone for so long and having everyone back all at once (while losing a few as well) was overwhelming. he nodded slowly before gently taking the bag of chips from her hold placing it on the coffee table. he switched the tv off and pulled (y/n) closer to him. her eyebrows knitted in confusion before he blurted,

“i need to go back.” from there on, she had no reaction. the salty taste of potato chips was gone and her throat was empty. whatever he said next was hard to hear as her hearing was muffled but the words were burned into (y/n)’s mind. “i don’t belong here, doll, you always knew that. i have the chance to go back, to have everything in a time where i should be. and honey...it’s been five years. i’ve been so alone for five years, it’s hard for you—and everyone else—to just come back like this.”she didn’t fight it. she didn’t argue or slap his chest, she didn’t bite her tongue or cry. there were words she threatened to scream—“i can help you through this”, “you belong with me”, “i can go back with you”, “how can you do this?”—but instead she kept in silence. her lips gently parted with a breath of air, but suddenly, the oxygen in the shared home felt toxic. and it was then she realized it.

steve always sugarcoated things. he could never be the one to tell someone they’ve been diagnosed with cancer; he’d do it so politely the person wouldn’t even realize it. it was in his dna to be kind. (y/n) used to think that steve had inherited it from his mother. but he wasn’t leaving because he belonged in the past. he wasn’t telling her this with honesty. steve rogers was an honest man but even when sugarcoating things he could lie. he was going back to be with peggy simply because he loved her more.

maybe that’s what hurt the most. she could deal with steve leaving—so many people in her life had left and she’d hoped he wouldn’t be one of them—but how was she supposed to live with the fact that his heart belonged to someone else? had peggy been holding his heart while he was holding (y/n)’s this entire time? it was lie that had its truth and she didn’t want any business in knowing it. so she left. gone that night while he slept on the couch. she didn’t even need to kick him out of the bedroom; steve always knew what was good for him. but when the clock read 12:00 in a harsh shade of red, (y/n) had jumped to the closet and began packing as much as she could fit into one large suitcase. she supposed that after he returned the stones and was reunited with his first love, she could come back to the apartment and retrieve the rest of her belongings. when she tip-toed past the living room and kitchen, slipping on a pair of shoes at the front door, there was a stinging her heart. she watched as he soundly slept, large arms clinging onto a thick pillow. steve’s lips let out the smallest snores that (y/n) once found sweet and gentle. but spending anymore time in that apartment would tear her apart, so the next second she was gone.

sure, there’s been at least fifty unanswered and stranded texts and calls left by sam and she had no intentions to respond. he was a constant reminder of a man that she used to (and still) loved. then, one day, she’d listened to the countless voicemails—and a special one left the news that steve had finally left. sam sounded frantic and upset but (y/n) knew there was content deep down that he felt for steve. “this is the life he deserved, i know that,” sam had sighed. “but i’m so sorry, (y/n). from the bottom of my heart and i know steve is too.”

his words meant nothing to her. no apology could mend whatever was left of (y/n). and she knew she wasn’t the only one hurting. instead of giving the apartment—the one that she and steve had bought together as a home—to her, steve gave it to bucky. she’d never gotten to know the ex-soldier, but how could steve, someone she spent seven years of her life with, leave her alone without even a place to stay? (y/n) was ultimately alone. she no longer had steve, along with tony and natasha. the three people she loved the most, one of them a man she thought she’d spend her life with, were gone. and the worst part was, there were people who were trying to comfort her so she wasn’t as alone. she’d managed to find a cramped apartment that, for some reason, always smelled like cheese, and sam would show up at the door with groceries or flowers every wednesday morning. sometimes, he’d stay outside and knock for an hour straight, but (y/n) was stubborn.

“you know, you’ve gotta out there someday,” steve’s voice would talk to her with that brooklyn drawl that she missed. “it’s not good to stayed cooped up like this. besides, i don’t think the air quality in this building isn’t the best, doll.” (y/n) would either shoo away the imprinted shadow he’d left behind in her mind or fall into its dark pit. “maybe none of this would’ve happened if you hadn’t left me alone those five years”, “you just weren’t good enough”, “i had to go back, she’s just better than you are.” he’d spew harsh truths to her, ruining good dreams into nightmares and it was becoming constant. when (y/n) awoke in a cold sweat, the sight of steve—with golden hair and smooth skin—still burned in her mind, she’d pinch herself to remember that steve now had gray hair and wrinkles, and he’d lived his life with someone else.

fortunately, (y/n) wasn’t alone. bucky barnes was just as exhausted and isolated as she was. there were countless missions being via mail or through this strange thing “email”, but he hadn’t bothered to check them. he’d locked his doors and closed the blinds, bidding farewell to the outside world. bucky did deserve it--seventy years spent killing and hurting others without a sense of control for himself. he deserved to live peacefully. but it was hard for both (y/n) and bucky to do so when the image of steve rogers lived on in their minds.

bucky knew a life of loneliness wasn’t a life at all. he’d gone by himself for so long, and although he enjoyed staying inside the apartment that still slightly smelled like steve and being able to deny any source of socialization, he was aware that being alone would take its toll soon enough. it’d taken a few tries to get (y/n) to pick up the phone. the first time she had, she’d let it sit by her ear for three seconds before hanging up--three more tries later and a breakfast at the small diner three blocks away was planned.

bucky had been sitting patiently at a booth with incredibly uncomfortable seating, causing him to rapidly jump his foot up and down. he’d worn a black hoodie with ripped hems around the cuffs, but as long as it covered up the metal arm, he was fine. there was a jingling sound as the front door opened and a hissing as it shut. sunlight poured from behind (y/n), casting an elongated shadow across the cliche checkered floor that reminded bucky of his first life.

she wore discreet and dark clothing--something incredibly unlike her. her combat boots hit the tiles with gentle footsteps but something about (y/n)’s entrance set a tension in the air and every person in the restaurant could feel it. however, she walked past them unnoticeably. it’s her job. bucky reminded himself, but felt a little spiral in his stomach when she sat herself down across from him. there was a strand of hair that fell from behind her ear, and it complimenting the frame of her face but she was quick to brush it back.

at first, it was silent--so silent that their ears picked up even the smallest conversations of other customers and waitresses. they scanned over the plastic menus, took occasional sips from their waters, and earned suspicious stairs from their waiter. “breakfast or lunch?” bucky had muttered, looking above his menu to peek at (y/n). her expression hadn’t changed since she entered the diner.

“you choose,” she shrugged, leaning back in the booth and slapping the menu shut. “not that hungry, though.”

he uncomfortably nodded and shifted in his seat before picking his order. their waitress--a short girl with curly blonde hair pulled back into a slick bun with tiny fly-aways, dressed in a cheesy pink dress--returned to their table. “d’you know what you want to order?” she giddily smiled, covering the suspicions she had; why were there two avengers in the restaurant...and why did they look so sad? (y/n) looked up threw the corner of her eye to the waitress name badge. it read ‘peggy’ in capitalized golden letters, and (y/n) suddenly felt sick. thankfully, bucky noticed her discomfort.

“just the eggs and toast,” he politely smiled, but there was a sting in his heart as well and it was getting harder to ignore. “over medium.” he looked over to the girl across him and motioned for her to talk.

“just another water,” (y/n) deeply gritted, barely even moving her lips to speak. her eyes burned into the table and peggy was quick to return to the kitchens. the former avenger clenched the plastic pepsi cup in her hand and spun it around so the melting ice inside clinked against the edges. bucky’s eyes didn’t leave her frame.

he leaned forward on his elbows and held his right hand his metal one he’d covered with a glove. it definitely looked odd to be wearing one glove inside when the summer air was returning, but it was better than the stares he’d get if he revealed the prosthetic. “don’t you think you should eat something, (y/n)?” bucky gently pushed, leaning even closer to make some sort of eye contact. her arms were smaller, her cheeks were hollow, and her jaw protruded from her neck. she covered it well with a bulky sweatshirt but her entire frame was thinner.

with another small shrug, she swished the water around before taking a small sip. it was chilling the back of her throat when a tiny piece of ice made it past her lips. “don’t like breakfast food.” it was a lie and bucky knew it. although (y/n) had been tried to lie her whole life, he wasn’t stupid. her lips slightly twitched to the left with her fabrication. and if there was one thing bucky did know, it was that steve rogers was a believer in good breakfast food. bucky could imagine the countless morning meals he cooked himself for (y/n), but the soldier didn’t push her to talk about it. both were in pain, it was evident to anyone who walked past them. “why am i here?”

“i thought we could talk,” bucky’s shoulders relaxed with the quietest sigh. the sudden aroma of bacon frying and the sizzling of fried eggs filled the restaurant, adding onto the white noise flowing through his ears. “it’s been a month, and i know you don’t want to see him-” your eyes snapped to his and he held his hands up cautiously. “i won’t make you. because i understand.” her left eyebrows arched. “he left both of us. i know sam’s dealing with it, but it’s not hurting him the same, hun,” she internally cringed at the name. “i think--and there’s a chance i’m reaching too far, if i am, just tell me--but we’re sharing the same situation. maybe we can help each other through it.”

before (y/n) could even being to process his offer, peggy returned with a large plate of steaming eggs and bacon. she set it in front of bucky, along with three small packets of butter, and in front of (y/n) a second glass of water. once she returned to her other tables, bucky harshly cut into an egg with his left arm, releasing a screeching noise of metal against porcelain. there was a dark line against the plate and he set the knife down. “still getting used to it,” he motioned to the arm with a hesitant laugh. (y/n) responded with a nod.

“but i’m serious. it’s not this good to be alone, i should know,” he lathered one side of his toast with the pale yellow-colored butter, watching it melt into the grain. “we don’t have to talk about him. although, it might pay off at some point...but what do you say?”

everything was spinning inside (y/n)’s mind. the voices partaking in other conversations were drowning out with the clinking of forks and knives, the bustling in the kitchens, and the clinking of the cash register. eventually, they all began to mix together and soon enough, bucky’s plate was empty. he allowed (y/n) to sit in the silence of their discussion blended with other various noises. the ice in their waters had finally melted so that the drinks became room-temperature and were now untouched. however long they’d been there, they didn’t know. it had been a while since (y/n) was able to sit in peaceful quiet with another person without the constant questioning of steve rogers. 

outside the window, the sun was lowering in the sky, hanging by just a thread. (y/n) wasn’t exactly sure about everything going on in her mind, but she found a sense of calm in the man across from her. the new haircut suited him well, sharpening his jaw and chin already more so than before. his stubble contrasted the image of a clean-shaven man that sat inside her mind, but the blue eyes were the same. “sure,” she tried to smile, but pathetically curved her lips in an unflattering way. however, bucky’s heart fluttered. (y/n) extended her arm towards him with her hand flat out.

“friends.”

―

tags: @babyyhoneyydarling @honeysucklesteve @emmabarnes @fallinforevans @saint-bvcky @steverrogers @just-one-ordinary-fangirl @rxcklessly-bratty @brattycherubwrites @hevans-angel @geniedetails @inactivewhore @steebsbabygirl @sultrygoblin @learisa @nony-bear @cloudystevie

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