#I sort of got an autism diagnosis and despite knowing it was coming I’m having trouble processing it

[lololollywrites]

So I’m honestly looking for help or advice here. I’ve gone my entire life believing that I’m neurotypical, despite never quite feeling like anyone else or fitting in. I just always thought I was... I don’t know. Quirky, weird. It’s mostly been internalized. I doubt my family would agree, for example, despite any one of them being the first to say that I’m a loner with special interests (they don’t know the half of it - not about tumblr or fanfiction, for example) who has carved out my own little niche of the world in which I can feel most comfortable (academia and travel, amongst other things). “Oh, Lauren’s the smart one who corrects our grammar and doesn’t want a typical life and doesn’t notice when men hit on her and can talk for hours about anything and remembers every detail of her childhood! She was reading novels at 6 years old, isn’t that funny?!”

But recently I’ve come across online content about ASD in adult women and how it looks different than we have long been told (and therefore how it gets overlooked and undiagnosed) and, well. It’s been resonating with me. Hard. I’m not necessarily struggling with life, but I’m also lacking a long-term relationship, a core friend group (it’s hard to fully connect with people or reveal my full personality, though part of that is also because I move a lot), and am finding myself more and more alone. Which is okay for the most part. It is. Honestly, the idea of sharing my apartment and giving up decision-making autonomy and even decorative control stresses me out. I’ve tried to work on myself by expanding my comfort zone - I’ve worked at it my entire life, which is why I traveled - but also... what if I could understand myself better? What if there’s more to it? (I did discover that there might be more but it got long, so... sorry in advance. But if you can relate, I would LOVE it if you did read and could help me!)

I just took the RAADS-R assessment (a bit frustrating, as many of my answers would generally depend on the situation and there was no option for that); I tried my best to be conservative and practical with my selections. I still scored a 104. Scores range from 0-227, and a score of 65 is when ASD is considered (and even likely), though obviously one online test is not enough for a diagnosis. Non-autistic people can score as high as 90, apparently (and autistic people can score as low as 44), so 104 is not conclusive, but it’s made me think.

It’s sort of a relief in a way, but it’s also something I don’t think my family would ever be on board with or understand since I’m the “normal”, stable, level-headed, successful one. Which obviously doesn’t preclude autism (honestly many of these traits have helped me tremendously), but there are so many misconceptions out there. And they love me and mean well, but I know they’d also ask why it matters, since I’m 33 years old and have done fine until now. But they don’t know what it feels like to scratch at your skin and never truly feel like you’ve figured yourself out. Why you’re different and why nothing has ever made sense. Why other people are so infuriating.

My traits? Well, they don’t all fit. Or at least I didn’t think so until I started typing them out.

I am easily overwhelmed by social situations (I can’t stand nightclubs and had an anxiety attack before I first went out in college), but I’ve gotten better. I’ve practiced. Interrupting can be a problem for me because I get excited when people say things that interest me. I don’t find sarcasm or jokes or social cues difficult to understand, but I’ve also... practiced. I’m very, very aware of what I say, how I act, and how others perceive me, though this has become more natural with age. I was always so gullible as a kid that it was a joke in my family. I’m compassionate and empathetic to a fault; I believe the best in people, which has hurt me. Textures and noises don’t particularly bother or overwhelm me, but I did once burst into tears in a Shanghai bar because it was too much. Just... too much. I never once believed in Santa Claus or the Tooth Fairy and grilled my parents with very specific questions regarding why I should be expected to (though only when my little sister wasn’t around). Despite this, between the ages of 5-7, I slept at the very edge of my pillow so as so leave plenty of room for my parents to take my tooth in the middle of the night and not accidentally wake me, as I knew it would be embarrassing for them and potentially also wake up my sister.

I once slept in an inflatable raft for an entire summer as a kid because I felt like it was a safe cradle. I used to be such a perfectionist that my parents considered homeschooling me. I got in trouble for reading too quickly because teachers thought it was impossible to complete the assignments at the rate I did. I always completed all the group work at school - not because my group mates took advantage of me (though there was a little of that), but because I couldn’t stand what they turned in to me and wanted to do it myself. Travel was my way of proving to myself that I didn’t need the same daily routine; I learned to create my safe space wherever I was in the world. I didn’t want my worries and anxiety to limit my experiences, so I didn’t let it. Then travel just became a new part of my comfort zone. I would self-soothe and reassure myself it would be okay by imagining my new safe space, which would always involve my computer, my Kindle, an internet connection, and being alone. With those things, I’d be okay.

I used to talk so fast as a kid that my mom joked I should be the person who spoke at the end of radio commercials (when they share all the legal disclaimers at high speed). I’ve practiced that too and gotten better, but I always need to be aware of my rate of speech. I went into teaching to sort of... practice public speaking, eye contact, and increasing my confidence (as well as to try to build that natural cadence). And it’s helped. This has always led me to the assumption that yes, see, I’m neurotypical. Everyone has these thoughts and foibles. When I discovered fanfiction in high school I told everyone about it, mind-blown at how miraculous it was, before I realized that people were looking at me funny and thought I was weird. So I stopped. And then discovered online communities.

Even as a 24 year-old, on a Fulbright orientation in an Indonesian hotel, sitting in a circle on the floor in a group of 30 fellow Fulbrighters about to embark on a year-long placement around the country, I apparently talked too much. I had no idea. I was two-months fresh off a year in China and we were participating in ice breakers, sharing advice and travel stories, and I thought I was being helpful. I felt free - finally I was in a community of fellow travelers, and I guess I let my guard down. My family couldn’t relate to all of my China stories and eventually got bored, and I was still processing my experience. I thought that these fellow travelers cared what I had to say. That it was safe. One of the girls I liked (and we did later become friends when she apologized months later) came up to me after one of these sessions and said “As much as I like your stories, Lauren, don’t you think you talked too much?” I was mortified. I totally shut down. I felt pushed to the side in that group - my only real friends, looking back, were the few other loners, including one girl who openly discussed her ASD. We were in contact for years after that and we naturally understood each other. She asked me to talk *more* about China with genuine interest. Maybe that says something.

Anyway. I’m having a bit of an emotional moment right now. I guess this could all be nothing. Or something. I know maybe I should pursue an official diagnosis, but I don’t know if that’s worth it or not. I trust people here. Has anyone else had a similar experience? Or have you self-diagnosed at any point? Does the truth of that label impact your life, and in what ways? Thank you. And sorry for the very, very long ramble. (And that’s something I’ve become accustomed to doing - apologizing!) And I truly hope I haven’t offended anyone or made it seem as though I’m acting like this is a confirmed diagnosis. That’s not it at all - I am very unsure. I just truly would appreciate some guidance. ❤️

#this seems so personal but i'm not sure what else to do #this has been eating at me for weeks now #asd #autism

[billdecker]

a life update...

i was meant to go to robbie williams’ homecoming gig at vale park this saturday gone. i made the decision a few weeks ago i wasn’t going to go because of covid anxiety and general health stuff. it sucked bc he was my childhood/teen absolute favourite and the last time i saw him i was 11 years old and it was his last tour with take that. i also wanted to go bc i’d be spending time with my mum. despite her living like 10mins away and my dad visiting almost every sunday she NEVER visits. it’s been since christmas 2018?? so i had this nice idea we’d spend some time seeing him and i could take her to see him like she took me to see take that. it sucked and it sucked even more she took my sister to see him when she said she was going to take my dad. 

anyway, she asked me if i wanted anything recording and i said no regrets (teen angst) and angels (my nan loved him too and it was her fav). and i was fine. a bit sad on saturday but i coped. then i was bombarded with videos and pics from her and my sis of different songs. the first i opened was he sang could it be magic. that song was/is my fav TT song. it means a lot. when TT were first around they were pure escapism for me when my dad got made redundant and things were absolute shit as a kid growing up in major’s britain. likeTT were the one thing that made me happy. and as soon as i saw the video i LOST it. i went from feeling like ‘this sucks’ to full blown breakdown where D almost called out family/medical help. 

it didn’t just felt like another thing i’ve lost in my life due to my agoraphobia. i’ve missed plenty of gigs. missed baynton do the play holes. i didn’t even get to visit my nan before she was fine. i’ve rationalised all of this fine. it’s not my fault. but this time i absolutely lost it. i haven’t been that bad in YEARS. like, i didn’t want to be here anymore. what’s the point of my life when i have no life at all? i can’t go out and enjoy things. i don’t see anything or anyone. my own mum won’t even come to see me. i just felt hopeless. 

but then i chatted to a very good friend and i felt better. watching the videos from within the crowd made me feel ill alone. i’m scared of open spaces but also packed crowds like that. the claustrophobia was choking me as i watched the videos. i realised i wouldn’t cope with how loud it is, the bright lights, all of the pissheads surrounding me (my sis said everyone was tanked up), and maybe it’s ok to accept my limitations. it’s difficult when people say you have no life and you’re small minded if you don’t travel or experience things, or that you see people flaunting their lives on social media and you’re just stuck in your flat. if i got some sort of diagnosis then at least i could begin to work towards coping mechanisms. i could live a small life but a happy one. 

i’m not depressed. i know what it’s like to be depressed. i’ve not been on any medication for 11 years now. but when it’s the outside and sensory stuff i just can’t cope. i’m not gonna get an nhs diagnosis any time soon (they’ll just go on about trying to get me to have a gastric band) so i’ve gotta sell most of my jewellery collection to get the money for a private one. but i’m also tentative to do that because 1) it’s a couple of grand and 2) what if i pay that money and they go lol no, you don’t have that diagnosis (we suspect autism from everything). i’ve been misdiagnosed constantly with various mental illnesses since the age of 15 and none of them fit me at all. i’m almost 39. i don’t know if i’d cope again. 

so now three/four days on i’m still completely drained. i’m spending my days zoned out. my drafts post saved is huge because i can’t bring myself to watch any dr who yet to make gifs to put in the queue (my martha gifs have nowhere near the numbers the rose ones did, surprise surprise). today is the first day i feel a bit more myself and i can write this. 

it just all sucks.  i wish i had something nice to tell you all about. 

at least love island is back 

#mental health stuff here lads #it's not been great here

[llamamonger]

I’m not dying of blood clots, it turns out, but as I mentioned, I was going to have to clarify the friendship with my dear friend regardless of whether I’m dying or not. I texted what I needed to say, asking whether they wanted a real, balanced friendship with me or not. They decided they wanted to talk in person about it, but when they had to cancel the meeting for being sick, they never rescheduled. I was pretty sure I wasn’t a priority at that point, so I wasn’t hopeful for when I finally did get a meeting, and my instinct was right—they said they didn’t think it was going to work out. I told them I’d respect that decision if it’s what they really want, but they have to own it & they wouldn’t. They felt like they couldn’t do anything right & it was pointless to keep trying. I pointed out that in everything, including their romantic relationships, they have no problem making an effort for what they really want, but they’ve made very little with me. They claimed they weren’t good at being attentive & intentional, but I said I was sure they didn’t have a problem being that way with their romantic interests, & I wasn’t contradicted.

They claimed they did want a friendship with me, claimed they missed talking with me, though they said it was anxiety-inducing to think of talking to me. They’d just been assuming the worst about me, that I’m just being controlling, despite everything I’d told them, and all I could say was everything I’d said before. That it’s so hard to mask when you’re in physical pain every day, all day, for months & I stopped sugarcoating things. That everything I’ve said & done has been out of deep love & rational concern, not a desire to control. I told them I didn’t know what else I could say or do to convince them, but I could try harder to be less abrasive. We did come to an understanding, and I did feel like they did truly want to be my friend. They only got emotional once, when talking about their dog & how long it’s been since it had seen me. I’ve always wondered a little if they sometimes used the dog as a surrogate for themself when talking about my value in their life. When we had the first serious talk about showing gratitude, instead of telling me about how much I meant to them, they talked about how much I mean to their dog & cat, how they appreciate the treats & attention. It was odd & unsatisfying at the time, considering that was the first time I told them I loved them, but perhaps it was a way around saying things plainly. Or it was nothing. They were glad we sorted things out, and they talked to me more afterward, though I still think they’d rather me be on the outside of their life. They & our mutual made lunch plans one day pretty much in front of me without including me, despite the countless times I’ve included both of them in my lunch plans. It felt awful, and I was in a lot of pain that day anyway, but it took a couple days before I broke down crying in the shower about it & what it said about the future. I don’t know what to do about any of it. I’m letting my friend decide how they want this to go, and I’ll stay out of where I’m not wanted.

The pain is getting worse, and it may be a month before I get any medicine to relieve the pain or more imaging to confirm a diagnosis, and in the very likely event the medicine isn’t worth the side effects, I’d be faced with neurosurgery, so I don’t know how functional I’ll be. My value among people has always been tied to my functionality—my usefulness, what I do instead of who I am—because of my autism. And yet everything I’ve done & worked so hard at, from the bottom of my heart, for my friend seems ultimately worthless in the end. But to stay in the world in any meaningful way, I have to stay at least superficially function, with what little energy I have. It would make all the difference in the world if I knew my friend cared about me & thought of me & wanted me around, but that’s not a reality I have access to.

#live blog of my stupid little life

[hargrove-mayfields]

Billy has to stick up for max a lot because of her autism, at school he walks to her class and their afraid of him because just,,, look at him

warnings for mentions of bullying and ableism.

It isn’t easy to make Maxine Mayfield cry.

At least, Billy had almost never seen her shed a tear in the six years he’d known her but maybe two times: once when she was still little, and just learned her step-family was going to move into her house and replace her real dad forever, and once when she was told they would be leaving California. Both times she’d run off to her room and slammed the door before anyone could see, but Billy had noticed. He always did when it came to Max. Had to when he knew damn well how much trouble he’d be in if things went wrong while he was watching her.

Beyond that there were a few teary eyed looks that got wiped away, maybe a sniffle she’d try to cover up by complaining about her allergies, but it was very rare, even during meltdowns, that she’d be full on crying, tears streaming down her face so quickly she couldn’t wipe them away while sobs wrack through her and make her shake.

So Billy knows first thing that something is very, very wrong when she’s already at his car after school, her face buried in her balled up jacket and doing exactly that. He can hear her from outside the car, so he sighs and knocks on the window before he yanks the door open, but Max doesn’t even flinch, just curls up tighter in the passenger seat and ignores him.

That’s a bad sign too, the fact she isn’t even trying to hide it from him, “What’s a’matter Maxi?”

“None of your business.” She snaps at him, voice thick and wet with tears. It’s unfamiliar seeing her like that and it makes Billy feel tense ang guilt even though he didn’t do it this time, so he tries, “Come on. It totally is my business. You get tears on my leather seats n’the salt’ll stain ‘em up, and you’ll be the one to clean it up.”

All it gets from Max is another heavy sob, instantly hitting him with a pang of regret for trying to be light about this, “Shit. M’sorry, Maxi. Didn’t mean it like that. Just tryin’ ta make you smile.”

“Well it didn’t work!” Max sniffles, throwing her jacket on the dash and finally turning to look at Billy, face flushed red and tracked with tears, her bottom lip still wobbling, “I’ll never ever smile again..”

“Why not? I know it’s not just because of your dumbass brother.” Billy sees a twitch at the corner of her lip, the slightest hint of a smile at him insulting himself, and he counts that as a small win, a sign he’s getting at least a little bit through to Max, so he prompts her again, “What happened at school today, Max?”

Her gaze drops to her lap, and she shrugs her shoulders slightly, stiffly, as she mumbles an explanation, “Remember how I told you about that boy, who's mean to me and my friends?”

“‘Course I do. I never forget anythin’ you tell me.”

Max wipes her nose on her sleeve, and corrects him, “Except for when you forgot I told you I had AV club and you came in the school looking for me and then you got stuck talking to a teacher for like, three hours after I was done.”

“Yeah, well that was one time. N’I was already havin’ a bad day when you told me, thank you very much.” He encourages her, his face serious though their tone is light-hearted, “Keep goin’, what’d this kid do now?”

Again Max’s features close off, and she tries to lie, “He was just.. Well it was my fault.. I-I don’t know.”

“Max. I need the truth.”

Talking fast, like she’s fighting against her thoughts, she makes him promise, “Promise me you won’t do anything dumb, first.”

Billy lifts a hand from the steering wheel, “I won’t. Cross my heart, Maxi.”

At this point, in the silence that builds while Max wills herself to speak, Billy starts to drive, since it’s clear he won’t be going back into that school. It isn’t lost on him the way Max takes a deep breath, out of relief that he meant it when he said he wasn’t going to be dumb and march back in there.

Quickly, once she’s ready, she explains, “Okay. Well he kinda sort of told me that I was annoying ‘cause I laugh too much, and I told him it was just a stim n’that I couldn’t help it but he said that made me a baby and I told him I wasn’t and he called me a retard instead and I was already stressed so I started crying like a dumb baby and he laughed at me and none of my friends said anything or helped me and I just.. yeah.”

All Billy can do is raise his eyebrows, has about a hundred and one pissy and angry things he could say, but he doesn’t utter a word, because he doesn’t want to make Max more upset than she already is.

Clearly just the change in his expression spooks her though, because she insists, sounding like she could cry again at any second, “You promised me!”

He puts his hands up sort of defensively, though he has to grab the wheel again when the car veers, swallowing his anger to tell her calmly, “I didn’t even say anything. I promised I’d be nice and I’m gonna keep that promise.”

She nods hesitantly, more to show trust than agreement, so Billy continues, “But Maxi that’s.. bad. Why don’t you tell a teacher or some shit?”

“Yeah, like they would even do anything. They already hate me for being in their coed classes.” Max mumbles the last part, looking away, “They’d probably rather Troy beat me up so I wouldn’t be bothering them anymore.”

“Tell me you’re being dramatic.”

But Max just shrugs again.

“Fuck, I hate this fucking place.” Billy tears his eyes from the road to look Max in the eyes as she says it, even knowing she can’t return the gesture, “You know you don’t deserve to go through this shit, Maxi?”

“It.. is kinda my fault though.”

He lashes out, just a little, hearing her talk like that about herself. Because it’s not fair that a thirteen year old girl looks at herself that way, yeah, but also because he knows it’s in some ways his fault too, and their parents for the way she’d been brought up, and the shit she'd been around that she even thinks to say shit like that.

He hits the palm of his hand against the rim of his steering wheel, rather he goes to before he catches himself, slowing it before it really hits, tapping it more than anything, “No the fuck it isn’t. It’s nobody’s fault but the assholes that make it into a problem. And fucking Neil’s for dragging us to this close-minded little spot on the map. I hate this fucking town”

“Oh.” Is all Max says.

Billy waits, but he can see she doesn’t know what else to say, so he sighs, “Look, I made my promise to you. Can you make one for me now?”

Max looks confused, “Okay?”

“Promise me that the next time somebody says some shit to you, you stand up for yourself.” Max scrunches up her face, like she immediately disagrees with that, but Billy insists, “Look, I don’t care if you’re crying like a damn baby or you can’t even talk while you do it, just don’t let ‘em walk all over you like that again.”

“I’m not fighting anyone, Billy. I’m not.. like you.”

“That’s not what I said. I said to stand up for yourself. It’s different.”

“Yeah right. How am I supposed to do that?” Billy knows that some asshole had to have said that to Max, that for whatever bullshit reason she couldn’t stick up for herself. Damn kid can’t catch a break in life, so he tells her, at this point not sure if this is even advice or just him ranting at Max, “This kid calls you a slur again, tell ‘im at least you got the diagnosis. Make him feel like he’s the stupid one. And if a teacher ever pulls some shit about the way you learn, tell ‘em you’ll go to the board of education and personally get their asses fired. Your mom would fight for you.”

“No she wouldn’t.”

“Then dammit I would. Your friends would if they understood. I know Sinclair would kick ass for you.”

Max’s toughness finally cracks- she learned that from him, to put on that hard exterior and fake it- Billy's determination stronger than her stubbornness. She looks up at him with a look in her eye that says he’s said all the right things, “You really think so?”

“No shit. Big brothers know all about this kind of bull.”

“I guess.” Max smiles just a little, and tells him matter-of-factly, “But you’re not that kind of big brother. You’re too cool.”

“Hell yeah I am.” Billy hums proudly, adding with humor in his tone, “But it’s even more cool to be nice to your little sister than it is to be an asshole. Remember that one.”

Max nods, listing it off on her fingers, “Stand up for myself, but don’t be an asshole, and Billy's secretly a big softie. I think I got it.”

“Good. Now out of my car, shitbird.”

Giggling in that way that says she knows she got him, Max swings open her door and runs into the house, leaving Billy to watch after her. He turns off the car but doesn’t get out, trying to bury his worry for her under his expression, not because he didn’t care, or even because he didn’t want her to know, he was long past that, but because he was worried what would happen if Susan saw his concern.

She’d weasel the truth out of Max if she knew something was up, and somehow, despite her promises, Neil would find out once he dragged his ass back home from the bar later tonight, and then it would somehow be Billy’s fault. He just hopes, if Max lets slip about the bullying, she at least doesn’t get too mouthy and mention the part where she was crying.

That was a Friday when that all went down, so Billy has the weekend, which thankfully does not include any snitching, to decide what he’s going to do about it. It’s not like he was ever going to go beat up on any tweens anyways, but he promised Max he wouldn’t be dumb, and he knew that meant no passive aggressive bullshit either. At least not while she could see him.

Because that ruled out like, half of his options, he’s still kind of clueless on what he’s going to do that next Monday morning when schools back in. He’s sitting in the middle school parking lot, fingers twitching against the steering wheel without a cigarette to busy them with, waiting for 7:30 on the dot when Max always goes in.

At this point, he’s considering just ditching with her to go get ice cream or something so she doesn’t have to face any bullies today, but his epiphany comes in the form of watching Jonathan Byers walk the littler one all the way to the front doors, his hand protectively hooked through the handle on the kid’s backpack. When the clock ticks the right time and Max opens her door, he knows what he’s going to do, and he turns the car off.

She freezes, can tell he’s up to something. “What are you doing?”

“Nothin’. M’just walking you in.” She glares at him in response to the smug smile he wears, so he swears, “Honest. I got basketball today. No way I’m missing that shit ‘cause I fought some little kid.”

“You’re lying.”

“Can’t I just be nice to my little sister?”

From the look on her face, she’s still skeptical, but it's enough to get Max to agree to it, grabbing her bag from the backseat and mumbling, “Whatever. Just don’t embarrass me.”

Billy chuckles, giving Max a head start towards the building before he follows, “Hey now, I thought just yesterday I was your cool older brother.”

“Cool older brothers don’t walk their sisters to the door.” She calls it over her shoulder, and Billy can’t help but tease her more, correcting her in a sing-songy voice, “Who said I was stoppin’ at the door? I’m walking you all the way to your class.”

“Oh god.” Max stops walking, but Billy keeps up, this time pulling ahead enough to call back to her, “Come on shitbird. Don’t wanna be late.”

“I hate you so much.”

“Yeah, right. You love that I would take the time outta my morning to do this for you.” He props open the door for Max with his boot, pretending not to notice the way all the little middle school kids at their lockers turn to gawk at them, letting her shove past him with her face flushed deeper than the color of her hair in embarrassment.

Pulling on her backpack straps, like she’s trying to physically make herself smaller, she mumbles, “No, I actually hate you.”

He almost feels bad for embarrassing her, but that’s the other part of his job, and he reminds her of that, “Good. There’s some more advice for ya, little sisters should always hate their big brothers, or he’s doing something wrong.”

They get a little ways down the hall, Max’s confidence going up just some as the shock wears off and people start to turn away, but Billy hardly notices. He doesn’t even come close to being bothered by eighth grade politics anymore, and if he’s intimidating the poor kids, well that’s exactly what he’s there for.

When he’s met with a particularly harsh glare from some snob nosed brat, who happens to remind him a lot of one Tommy Hagan, he bumps into Max on purpose, and announces louder than he needs to in hopes the kid’ll know he was looking for him, “That the little asshole s’been givin’ you trouble?”

Glancing nervously between him and Billy, she nods, “Yeah..”

Billy just nods, a cross between acknowledgment and judgement, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You said-“ Again Max panics, but Billy cuts her off this time with a simple assurance of, “And I didn’t do anything.”

Her eyebrows knit together, realizing that that wasn’t a lie, “I.. guess you didn’t.”

“What’s your first class anyways?”

“We report to the cafeteria before first period.” She informs him, leading him that way, but he hooks two fingers through the strap on her bag to stop her, “Not gonna happen, Maxi. Being shoved in a tiny room with three hundred other kids makes you feel all ‘meltdowny’ I think was your exact word. So you’re not doin’ that anymore. I just decided.”

“But that’s against the rules.”

“Yeah, so’s me bein’ in this building during school hours, but nobody’s saying shit to me, are they?”

Max narrows her eyes at him then, and he knows he said too much, that he’s been found out, “That’s your plan isn’t it.”

There’s a crooked smile on his face he can’t hide as he plays innocent-like, “What is?”

Max pushes him a little and he pretends to misstep while she accuses him, “Coming into school and being all intimidating so nobody will bug me anymore.”

“Pfft, yeah right.” Billy denies again, getting nothing but an eye roll in response at first, but when it’s clear it’s he’s not going to give up and admit it, Max does, glancing shortly over at him, “Well thanks anyways, Billy.”

She adds, realizing he’s wandering with no idea where they’re going, having never been in the middle school himself, “My first class is in B-18.”

“Which one is’at?” He asks, just curious, but Max deflects the question, giving a short, “It’s taught by Mr. Clarke.”

Just from how quiet she is, Billy can tell that she's hiding something, “Max. You seriously don’t even know what class you’re in?”

“No I don’t, okay?” Max stops in the middle of the hallway, ranting at her brother, “It’s already not the same as my old school, and then they moved my schedule all around again after they decided I didn’t qualify for special ed, so now I just go where I’m s’posed to, and I know my teachers better than my classes.”

“And you didn’t tell anyone, did you?”

“No. There’s nothing anyone can do so it doesn’t matter.” Her tone implies she thought a lot about it, maybe even wanted to, but decided not to.

Billy insists right back, these past two days feeling like he’s constantly petitioning for Max to trust and rely on him, “Oh I could do somethin’. You know I could.”

“I do. But I don’t want you to. Sticking up for me is enough.”

That’s what makes Billy understand. The firmness in her voice says everything she needs him to hear: Max doesn’t want Billy to do for her what she can handle. This is bigger than just being the older brother. This is her setting boundaries, asking for help without wanting to be controlled. That’s something he never really got how to do, being raised by a dictator and all, but it’s something she needs. Sometimes he forgets that.

He doesn’t say anything else, just lets it sit while Max takes him down some stairs to the right room. She stops outside, scuffing up the dusty marble floors with the toe of her Chuck Taylor’s, “Could you.. stick around for a little bit in case he says something?”

Billy clicks his tongue, remarking, “I dunno. I got a class in a few..”

But his sarcasm falls short with Max, which, that’s his bad for not realizing that it would, and her face falls, “Oh, well I guess I can just-”

“Was just funnin’ you shitbird. I don’t give a fuck about my classes.” Max grimaces in that all too familiar way of uncertainty, so he promises, “I’ll be right out here. Go talk to your teacher, ‘n if he says some shit to you, remember I only promised not be stupid about the bully.”

He at least gets a smile for that one, before Max rolls her eyes, “You’re not fighting my science teacher, dummy.”

“Whatever. Just get in there, brat.”

He can see Max holding back a smile as she listens, bounding into her classroom with another quick glance back at Billy to check that he wasn’t lying and going to walk away.

Billy waits until the door fall closed to lean against the row of lockers opposite it, watching her through the little meshed over windows. By now, he’s pretty well versed on what arguments with angry authority figures look like, and the conversation between Max and her teacher is not one. He still stays though, just because Max asked him to, but maybe, just maybe a little for himself, a reassurance that the second he leaves shit isn’t going to get worse, and Max’ll have at least someone other than her equally as nerdy little friends behind her.

Then they both turn and give him a little wave, Max and her teacher, an acknowledgment to Billy that this new routine was indeed going to work out. The way the school district had handled everything else, he wonders if the guy even knew Max wasn’t like his other students until now.

Still, seeing that, Billy gives a half nod in response, and decides his job is done here, at least until tomorrow when he does the same. Max’ll get used to it, and his hope is that the little bully brats won’t. He’ll just have to keep them on their toes.

Which is exactly why, while on his way out, Billy has to break his promise to Max, just slightly, and do something dumb. He finds the Troy kid again, and waits until the little punk is at his peak to knock him down a few pegs.

He’s complaining about some teacher, which is pretty typical for a thirteen-fourteen year old kid, but the other things he’s said to Max make it not as relatable, not as innocent. So he does what any logical, mature adult would do, and scares the piss out of him.

Billy waits until the kid gets a laugh from his troop of assholes, and slams the locker door beside him shut, uncaring of who’s it was. All eyes are quickly on him, all too wide against too pale faces. It’s too easy.

“What are you little shits whining about over here?”

The one in charge steps forward, trying to be tough despite the way he has to practically bend backwards to look up at Billy’s face, “None of your business. Did the freak send you after us to scare us? It ain’t gonna work.”

“Oh I’m not here to scare you. I’m just here to give you your final warning. We’re past the point of intimidation. Matter of fact, next time I have to come here.. it won’t be looking so good for you.”

“You’re lying.” The kid accuses, despite the obvious doubt written behind his features.

Billy can work with that.

“I might be. But I’m still an authority figure over your sorry little asses, and if you don’t start respecting that..” He bends down a little further, still nowhere near the kid but making his whole troupe flinche back, and drops his pitch, “well, I can’t promise what’ll happen to ya, but unlike your teachers, I don’t play by the rules. You got that?”

Straightening himself back out, Billy pretends to start walking away before he adds, “Oh, and if you pick on my kid sister ever again, I will know. Just remember that, uh, Troy was it?”

The kid nods dumbly, literally vibrating with something like fear, and Billy can say he’s pretty satisfied with that. He pats the kid on the shoulder, a touch so gentle it wouldn’t’ve hurt a fly, and notably couldn’t get him in any trouble, but the little shit scampers off, three other puffy head bullies trailing after him.

Everyone sees it happen, Billy with his nasty smirk and his distinguishably high-schooler way of carrying himself, Troy running for the hills in the other direction. He leaves feeling like his point has been thoroughly proven.

It isn’t easy to make Maxine Mayfield cry, but it’s even harder to get away with it, and Billy knows it won’t be a problem from now on.

#billy & max #billy hargrove #max mayfield #autistic max #tw r slur #tw ableism mention #tw bullying mention #ej writer #story by ej! #anon my beloved #you so read my mind with this #I had half a fic written out like this for ages and then this ask popped up (a while ago. I’m sorry I’ve been so slow at requests) #so have this little projection fest my beloved anon #i mighta went a little crazy with this #<3 <3 <3 #thank you for sending me this! I love requests!

[ot3]

Hello, I've notice you mentioning in a couple posts that you are autistic, and I'm wondering how old you where when you found out? I've thought for a while that I may have autism but my age and my unavailability to resources have left me with many doubts, any thoughts?

this is gonna get a little bit long so i'll stick it under the cut.

the answer is i still am not entirely sure but it's really just the only thing that makes any sense. i got a bunch of expensive neurological testing done and the woman testing me came to the conclusion that i was too socially well adjusted to be autistic despite the fact that 1. most of my friends are autistic or otherwise compatibly messy in the brain and 2. my social skills were the result of very very very careful and hard-won work by my parents. she basically asked me 'do you have friends' and i said 'yes' and she said 'can you make eye contact in conversation' and i said 'yes i can if i force myself but i hate it and its exhausting' and apparently that was enough to counteract all of my sensory issues and processing issues as far as she was concerned. which i'm still really bitter about

but the thing about any atypical neurobiology, and especially autism given it's presence as a Media Boogeyman, is that once again they can pretty much only diagnose you based on a failure to adapt to mainstream society, so if you Can force yourself to function in mainstream society, no matter how difficult or harmful it is for you to do this to yourself, you pretty much bar yourself from an official diagnosis and any of the resources that come along with that. it's a pretty horrible catch 22.

but i know myself a lot better than the woman who spent a total of two hours running me through standardized tests and everything about the way i navigate life gained a lot of clarity when i started viewing it through the lens of autism. parts of myself that seemed to be inexplicably fucked up or i thought were genuinely just some psychosomatic oddity that i was inflicting upon myself for No Reason suddenly had a pattern and logic behind them. and the thing about autism is that being able to have that sort of rational scaffolding to my own behavior feels Really Good. it makes sense now.

if you look at people within your age group (or older) and see autistic individuals describing their autism in a way that resonates with you, i think it's really worth considering. ignore the labeling aspect of it for the time being. dont think of yourself as either having it or not. instead, look at the symptoms and behaviors that you exhibit that you think might align with autism, and see if they match up with factors that autistic individuals attribute to their brain chemistry. try strategies for dealing with life intended for autistic people and see if they work for you. if these strategies and this way of understanding you helps, whether or not you actually label it as autism is completely secondary. what matters is having the tools to get through life, and if the tools autistic people have come up with prove to be helpful to you, no one would fault you for using them regardless of whether or not you are an autistic person.

so really, i never 'found out' i was autistic and never truly will and there will always be a bit of doubt that eats away at me, but whatever sort of guilt comes from that doubt is completely secondary to the relief of having a framework to apply to my life that makes it more manageable.

i recommend looking through the #actuallyautistic tag on twitter and whatnot to find autistic creators detailing their experience, as personal experience is going to be a nice and easily accessible way to sort of get a feel for the experience.

on top of that, autism in adulthood is a peer-reviewed journal focusing on the study of autistic adults, and if you're like me and enjoy reading papers theres a bunch of good stuff here. even without reading the whole papers you can learn a lot from just browsing and skimming abstracts to get a feel for things.

in general there are a lot of really good academic types on twitter who are either autistic themselves or just incredibly solid researchers who do great stuff with autism and are really looking to break a lot of the stigma and boundaries that prevent people from being properly diagnosed and given tools to navigate life, and browsing around related twitter accounts should help you.

hope this was helpful!

#should clarify that the neurological testing ikm talking about #was only done within the past year #this is a Process

[nagichi-boop]

I’m gonna explain the situation behind my previous post cuz I think I’ve hit a bit of a rock bottom with my mental health and I’m not sure what to do.

TL;DR - Tried getting diagnoses from doctors for mental illness, didn’t go well. Need to get a health note for work benefits as I feel unable to do full time work (too stressful), but need to talk to a doctor for that. Unsure what to do (push for diagnosis, ask for health note for just anxiety first, suck it up and keep struggling, etc).

During lockdown I learned a lot about mental illness and neurodivergency. I’m not saying I’m self dxing, but I suspect I may have one or a combo of the following; autism, adhd, ocd, cptsd, DPDR. Currently none have been diagnosed - the only progress I’ve made is being referred to a (still closed) autism clinic which will likely take years to actually do anything.

A gp/doctor said that I have “severe depression and anxiety” (based on a questionnaire that took like 5 mins) on a call where I asked to be referred to a psychiatrist to be assessed tor diagnosis. I even brought up that I thought that I may have ocd. She asked where I got my info from and I said “online”, and she basically dismissed it after that. Like sorry I didn’t go to medical school, where else would I get my info?? But I literally spent hours a day researching mental disorders…hmm, kind of like an ocd compulsion, which is the disorder I gave as an example??

I also did CBT for a bit but hated it. The “therapist” (but probably not cuz apparently social workers are allowed to do CBT for the NHS) said she didn’t think diagnoses were helpful, that symptoms should be addressed. Every session she focused on social anxiety but it made me feel worse - either I’d say “I don’t know” to her questions and she’d push me for an answer and cause me to make something up (due to, uh oh, anxiety) or I would give an answer and she’d be like “that’s not a social anxiety thing, please read this worksheet with the symptoms for social anxiety”, which made me feel like an idiot. Anyways, maybe 4 sessions in I decided to quit because it was too stressful for me. Funnily enough when I told her I felt like I didn’t always know the answer, she said “when that happens, you need to say you don’t know”. LIKE LADY, THAT’S WHAT I DID!!

Needless to say the combo of the two things made me somewhat reluctant to try again to ask for help, so I’m STILL undiagnosed. Now you may be wondering why this is important.

Well, as of a few days ago, I am once again unemployed. Which means I need to (if I want money) go on benefits. The problem with that is they tend to expect you to dedicate your life to job searching and push you to take whatever comes up, which includes full time work. But I really don’t think I could do that. Even working 20 hours a week at my old job was mentally draining. I tried to bring up to the benefits people that I had anxiety and was referred to the autism clinic, but that’s not enough for them. They just told me I needed to get a health note from my doctor. And again, remember how that went before? How would I even ask for that?

I feel stuck. I know logically I should probably just try and talk to a different doctor or something, but I have no idea where to start. Do I bring up ocd? Or just say I’m generally struggling? Or ask to see a psychiatrist again? Do I ask for the health note first or try and get assessed so I know what I’m dealing with?

It’s gotten to the point where my brain is screaming “hurt yourself” or “you’re better off dead”. I feel so useless and dysfunctional.

As the icing on the cake, I don’t rly have a support system. I love my parents, but much like the counsellor I had, they think I have social anxiety and nothing else. They don’t think a diagnosis would help. And they don’t really react at all when I say I’m pretty much suicidal (like they seem unconcerned). It’s not because they don’t care, they just don’t understand (despite claiming to). I also don’t really have any friends, so no support there.

On a good day, I feel emotionally numb and/or disconnected from myself. On a bad day, it feels like there’s an intense pressure building up inside of me and it sucks cuz I can’t let it out and all I can think of is wanting to hurt myself to relieve the feeling. (Also just to to clarify, I don’t actively self harm and have not and have no plans to attempt suicide, but I also don’t have sort of outlet or support for when I have the urge to, so I just bottle it up.)

…any advice?

(Sorry for the long post)

#long post #autism #adhd #ocd #cptsd #dpdr #anxiety #social anxiety #depression #undiagnosed #nagichi talks

[luna-tiel]

What Entrapdak Means to Me

On the eve of Entrapdak Positivity Month, I thought it was as good a time as any to share my rambling thoughts on a ship that’s affected me in a way I didn’t think was possible. 

Entrapdak is the first ship I have ever been invested in. It’s such a new experience for me that it’s taken me the last few months to wrap my head around the whole thing. I may relate to the characters in a show, but when they form romantic attachments I view it with a degree of passive distance. I don’t understand what it’s like to have those sorts of feelings for someone (I am aromantic and ace as a brick), and, well, I’m honestly not curious enough to give the subject a thorough study. My mind tends to fixate on other things. 

What does this have to do with Entrapdak, you ask? Long story short for people who don’t want to read my meandering essay -- I relate a lot to these characters, and the way they bonded together struck a deep chord in me that I can’t ignore. 

Let’s start with the characters. I knew going in that Entrapta was neurodivergent-coded, but I took it with a grain of salt. When I actually watched the show, however, I found myself relating to her so deeply it shocked me. Never have I felt such a kinship with a fictional character! We don’t share every trait, but it was still like seeing my brain put to life on screen. I related to her enthusiasm over her special interests, her struggles to fit in, her desire to make friends who accept and understand her for who she is. 

The fact Entrapta is completely herself is something I love about her. Over the years of growing up undiagnosed, I developed a lot of masking strategies. Human psychology is one of my special interests, and even with all that accumulated knowledge, masking isn’t easy. It’s extremely mentally taxing. Masking can certainly look easy -- I can, when I have the drive and energy, “pass” as neurotypical, and only people who know me extremely well can tell I’m dying inside. All that effort is taken for granted by a lot of NTs because that’s how people are “supposed to” act, and surely I can “do the bare minimum.” The accumulated stress of near constant masking has led me to the darkest moments I’ve had in my life.

Entrapta’s struggle with leaving Beast Island hit me hard. It threw me back to a time when my feelings of isolation and worthlessness got so bad that I lost the energy to do anything, even the creative pursuits that were the obsession of my life. I retreated so deeply into my inner world that I hardly interacted with anyone. That total apathy shocked my family into getting me professional help, which gave me my autism diagnosis, the coping skills to move forward, and a good start on the road to self-acceptance. It also opened a channel between my family and I, allowing me to feel heard and understood. (An important side note on mental health: if you or someone you love needs professional help, please seek it! Sometimes you have to try out several therapists -- it took me three to find a good fit -- but you are worth it!)

It took me longer to realize, but I also relate to Hordak in some ways. Mercifully I was not raised in an extremist cult environment. However, I know what it’s like to feel defective next to a sibling that seems perfect. I was constantly being compared to my younger brother, and in all areas but art, he was superior. He was smart, athletic, and above all, he fit in with everyone. I didn’t hate him for this -- I hated myself. Trying to measure up to his standard is what caused me to develop such strong masking strategies. Underneath it all, I felt the despair of knowing my peers would reject me as soon as the mask cracked. I also live with chronic joint pain, starting at around age seven. The jury is still out on what’s causing that (the worst of it was due to a previously unknown food allergy, but the pain still comes and goes, even though it’s a lot more manageable than it used to be). This cocktail of pain, stress, and sensory issues I had to deal with gave me a very short fuse at times. 

As an aside, just because I sympathize with Hordak does not mean I am excusing his actions. He is still going to have to face the consequences of his choices, and work to adjust to life post-Prime. The series end gave him a new beginning, the opportunity to be redeemed, and I prefer this to a rushed redemption arc. 

What I love most about Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship is how they accept each other as they are. Hordak gives Entrapta near free reign of his sanctum, he listens to her when she talks, and he respects her opinions. Even when he pushes her away, he still considers the logic of what she tells him, and sometimes ends up doing things her way despite his initial instincts. This is something I do in my own life; I am easily overwhelmed by new information, so my initial response to an idea/activity is almost always a firm (and sometimes rude) “no,” until I have time to properly process and think about it. Hordak is the first person in Entrapta’s life that truly listens to her. He still has things he needs to work on, but it’s a lot better than how most of the princesses are with Entrapta. The Alliance treats her as someone to be managed -- she is useful, but unreliable. Hordak, in contrast, trusts her to get things done in her own way. 

On the other side, Entrapta is the first person in Hordak’s life to accept him without judgment. Hordak spends so much of his energy putting up a front of strength and intimidation, and Entrapta cuts right through that. She’s not frightened by his appearance, and even his outbursts have little effect on her until the two of them start to bond. Entrapta doesn’t come into their interactions with any preconceived ideas of what Hordak is like, or more importantly, what he should be like. This lack of expectation leaves her completely open to accepting whatever Hordak does and says, and it also relieves Hordak of the burden of needing to put on a front around her. When Entrapta sees him at his most vulnerable, she reaches out to him with compassion, something he has never felt before. Entrapta also does this in a way that doesn’t belittle Hordak. His imperfections are not something to pity, they are a valuable part of who he is. 

I loved watching their friendship develop. Entrapta and Hordak’s shared time together evolved slowly into a bond that gave each of them a sense of belonging they had never experienced before with anyone else. It gave me the hope that, despite what an oddball mess I am, perhaps I could find someone who understands me too. 

When a romance subplot inserts itself into a story, I tend to gloss over and ignore it (if I pick up on it at all). I’m even less interested in sex. Way back when I was first getting into fandom I was so excited to go online and meet fellow fans of the books and shows I liked, only to discover the spaces being dominated by arguments over character pairings. I was baffled. This is what people are most interested in? Oh well… back to the hermit cave I go! 

I was late to the party with SPoP. I’d watched a few episodes, but the show didn’t really hook me. This was partially because all I ever heard people talk about online was Catradora, and if that was the main appeal of the show, I wasn’t sure I would enjoy it (sorry Catradora shippers, romance is not going to entice me to watch a show, even if it’s rep). Quarantine was the ultimate cause for me embracing my curiosity and diving headfirst into SPoP, binging the entire thing a few months before the release of season 5.

I vaguely knew about Entrapdak as a ship going into the show, and I admit, had I not been primed for it, I probably would have missed the romantic potential entirely. In no way did I expect to become invested. I was immediately intrigued by their dynamic, and as they got closer, I found myself thinking “oh, I see why people ship these two.” I didn’t understand this realization until months later. I was relating to the characters, and for the first time in my life, I was relating to their relationship.

I headcanon Entrapta and Hordak as an asexual couple. I’ll elaborate on this at a later time (asexuality is a spectrum with a lot of nuance, and this post is plenty long already), but at the core of it, I find joy in imagining these characters in a loving platonic relationship, something I hope to find myself one day. I hope this love comes across in my artwork and in my fanfictions <3

To those of you that read this far, wow, you must be patient! Have an imaginary cookie! I hope this ramble has provided a decent picture for why I, as an aro ace on the autism spectrum, have come to cherish Hordak and Entrapta’s relationship. It’s my first and only OTP… I’m still in shock thinking about that… I guess we’ll see where things go from here!

Take care of yourselves out there!

#entrapdak #entrapta/hordak #entrapta #hordak #autistic entrapta #autistic experiences #relatable characters #fandom ramblings #spop #spop headcanons #asexual headcanon

[the-flowers-never-bloom]

*Raises hand* Hello, person not diagnosed with autism OR adhd, what if like, you're into a piece of media to the point where you cant even sleep without thinking about it, and you can't move onto/get into different content cause the thing you're into has a stranglehold on your entire thinking, and you're like "Oh! This is an interesting show i really wanna watch," but the other media is like "Lol that cool i guess, but don't you wanna read me for the 7th time, that'd be cool right :)?" And the main character goes through something awful and you're like "Wow I know I shouldn't be in actual distress over a fictional character," but you CAN'T HELP IT. Is it then called a hyperfixation? Because I feel like that's the only word I can use that makes me feel normal, but it also feel disrespectful because i actually haven't been diagnosed -Cow anon

hello anon!!! (long answer srry being concise isn’t my strength)

i'm going to take this from my perspective hoping maybe i can help you out, but if i miss completely the shot, feel free to tell me.

Because of the family I come from and the years I was born and raised in, I never ever got a diagnosis for any mental illness or neurodivergence despite not being the most normal kid. My family (although they are lovely ppl) and the people around me had a very specific idea of what "normal" was, and sticking out back then wasn't considered acceptable.

In adolescence, I bottled up and repressed all the things that made me "weird", trying not to let other people notice, making it seem like I'd left that in childhood, where being "weird" is a little more acceptable.

I'm going to assume you come from a similar-ish background, I'm assuming you feel somewhat alienated from "normal" people, but not different enough for an external person to have sought out diagnosis in your place. (or you learned to hide your differences)

I know that when I did go see a school counselor in HS, they were like "I can't officially diagnose you but you very very very likely have generalized anxiety" and I only mentionned like. one "issue" to them.

Now, I'm not a therapist, I'm not a professional of any sort, I can't tell you for sure, but if you have reasonable doubt that you may not be NT and it affects your ability to function/your happiness, maybe it'd be in your favor to seek diagnosis! But in the end, all our brains work in different ways, and trying to pretend like there's only one "normal" way to exist mostly relies on capitalism's need for productivity.

I think using a word that's specific to a disability or a condition, etc. without having the proper diagnosis takes away from the people who actually know they have it, because as far as you know, it's like 50/50. However, there should not be any shame in seeking information about yourself, especially if it helps you in the long run be happy and function. Sometimes, just knowing you have something is helpful, even if you don't actively do anything about it!

(also if you look up synonyms for obsession you’ll find quite a few!! i think passion is the least stigmatizing/weird one. obsession feels kind of creepy, but passion conveys, imo, just the right thing.)

[firesfelt]

hi hello ! i’m pace ( she/her ) and i have really horrible timing, as i need to go to bed like asap and also have a packed day tomorrow so can’t be on then either ( rip ) but i rlly wanted to get at least one thing posted before i go ! i’m in the gmt, and am just realising now while i think about intros that all my fcs ( for the moment ) have names beginning with ‘a’ ? inch resting. but i’ll hopefully be able to get intros up for my gals too asap & i rlly wanna do the tasks for everyone and get writing and just have a Hoot. this is the exact environment i need, u know ? exciting !!! anyway, lemme introduce my first character before i end up writing some rambled essay about,,, literally nothing.

( asami zdrenka, 26, demigirl, she/her/they/them ) EMIKA BLAKE was seen listening to HEARTBEAT BY SCOUTING FOR GIRLS on their way to TATTOO ARTIST. EM is known to be CREATIVE & STANDOFFISH.

➜ i always find emika’s personality hard to describe, but i think the best way to begin is ‘misunderstood’ ? she has good intentions, and a kind soul, but the social skills of a wet trout. she’s quiet, and reserved, and has a serious case of resting-grump-face, and it very much leads people to get the wrong sort of impression of her, through no fault of their own. the sarcasm doesn’t help, either. she’s very much a loner ( and therefore a pain in the arse to plot with ) but i always enjoy developing relationships of any kind with her and seeing how things unfold.

➜ obviously, her job has a very social side, and that’s the one thing she can manage. she has no problems communicating in a consultation, getting ideas out there, easing the nerves of an anxious first-timer, expressing herself and what could be best, but that’s often because she knows exactly what to do. she does it day in, day out, and can almost follow a script in a way. sit the same person she had the consult with down for six hours to actually have the tattoo done, and unless they make the effort to keep the conversation going, em has nothing. it’s not even that she doesn’t want to talk, either, she just struggles. and then when she does think of something to say, it can come out abrupt or abrasive, so it’s often best to just keep her mouth shut.

➜ is it obvious yet that emika’s autistic ? she has no idea of this, herself, but it’s canon, just undiagnosed. and it was, admittedly, unintentional. i’ve revamped em from a character from long ago, and the first time i played her, i didn’t set out for her to have autism, and then when i realised that she’s definitely, definitely autistic, everything made sense. it just never got picked up on at school for her, and her mother never paid enough attention to notice or care to do anything in terms of getting a diagnosis or trying to help, so it’s gone undetected. thus far, anyway, who knows ? that could be interesting.

➜ speaking of her mum, let’s talk upbringing. emika was actually born in brighton, england, to her mother, mayumi, and father, stephen. on account of him being a cheating bastard, their relationship fell apart when em was seven. stephen made an attempt with his daughter, but he was in and out of her life for the following five years. at aged twelve, she realised that he really wasn’t worth the effort it took to force a relationship with him, and told him where to stick it. three years later, mayumi would want to uproot to huntsville to follow the latest in a long line of boyfriends --- and stephen didn’t so much as protest. the relationship between mayumi and her canadian lover didn’t last ( here is where em would bitterly mutter ‘they never do’ ) but they never went home.

➜ growing up, she had two escapes: art, and books. she’d always been creative, and always been trouble. think drawing on the hallway walls in crayon at four, getting paint on the living room carpet while creating a ‘masterpiece’ at seven. aka, not trouble, just a kid being a kid, but w/e. try telling her mum that. it was easy to get lost in a drawing or a painting, and she found comfort in reading, too. she’s still a bookworm now, despite not having much free time.

➜ em works too hard. she adores her job, and doesn’t take a single day of it for granted, but she works too hard. there’s nothing she’d rather be doing, and it’s by her own choice, but her time isn’t filled with much else. she specialises in neotrad, but likes to dabble a little and expand her styles when she can. she’s so unbelievably grateful to be doing what she does, especially as it very easily could never have happened for her.

➜ with a home life that was rocky at best, em definitely struggled. as a teenager, she turned to alcohol, and long before she was even legally allowed to drink, she developed a dependency on it. even now, she’d never say she was an alcoholic, but she’d definitely admit that it was a problem, and steers clear from the stuff now. wanting nothing more than to become a tattoo artist was the motivation she needed to get sober, and she knows it very easily could’ve gone in the opposite direction. she got an apprenticeship in the end, and the rest is history.

➜ but ! she’s still young !!!! like super young !! i always like to pick a fc a couple of years younger than however old i’m playing her, because it’s kind of a thing that emika looks even younger than she is. but where a lot of asami’s resources are from a couple of years ago, i thought a year’s difference would do ! but em knows she’s young and still has so much room to learn, and she’s eager to. she just wants to get better and better.

➜ so as an individual who speaks to her mum as little as possible, has no other family in canada, and has very few friends ( if any ? ) who keeps emika company, i hear you ask ? why, it’s her two goldfish and  her chinese softshell turtle, of course. named fred, george, and dobby, respectively. she loves her tank full of friends far more than she’d ever care to admit. ideally, she’d love a dog, but doesn’t have the time to dedicate to caring for one, nor does she have the space. emika moved out at eighteen, the second she could scrape enough money together to do so, and moved into the tiniest box of an apartment, and hasn’t moved since. despite its size, she truly loves her little flat ---- and hates change.

➜ going forward, i’m open to,,, anything. with all three of my goblins, i’m really open to absolutely anything. including just vibing and seeing what happens, but i’m coming in really open and just wanting to Explore. i have an idea for a wc for em, which should be super interesting, but other than that, it’s all just vibes and goin with the flow !!

➜ i hate to wrap things up abruptly, but i really gotta go to bed lmao ( i should’ve written my intros out earlier, rip. isn’t hindsight amazing ? ) so just some things to note: when it comes to gender, em mostly idenifies as ‘ ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ‘ and really just doesn’t think about it. she’s probably never talked to anyone about it, either, not properly/in depth. she doesn’t really think about it, and it doesn’t really,,,, matter ?? to her ?? it just sort of,,, Is. she/her absolutely flies with her, they/them is also appreciated, she really just,,, doesn’t mind. sexuality is one she did have a big crisis over ( and is it still ongoing ? kinda ) but eventually just decided that bi was the label that fit best so that’s what she goes with. she still,,, has no idea. and doesn’t know if it even matters. she split her life between brighton and huntsville, so it was never like she’d never be accepted, but it was all a big Internal Yikes for her.

➜ tldr: dog loving, artistic book enthusiast, who has more coffee in her system than blood and loves her job and her fish more than anything. a total pain in the arse, but a hard worker and bringer of sarcasm. and bitterness. but also bad jokes and gossip --- it’s easy to forget she’s there when she’s so quiet; she hears all kinds of shit.

➜ ooh ! one thing to note ! while em is obviously covered in tattoos, she doesn’t actually share any of asami’s irl ones, so pls keep that in mind ! and ignore in photos/gifs ! will have more details when i do her stats/first task, but for now i really have to go bed !! i’m v excited to be here though, ty for having me and i’ll be here properly soon <3

#about ➜ emika. #intro ➜ emika. #sero.intro #alcohol tw

[gerrydelano]

hey guys! gonna consolidate this here for ease and access real quick, these got long. one at a time!

ANON ONE

OKAY, yes, first thing to realize is that psychiatrists are not always right. in fact many doctors are wrong a LOT of the time because it’s a fallible field by nature. literally only one doctor actually Finally acknowledged my autism and that was at intake at the psych ward when i went in for a totally unrelated problem. literally No One Else Has Ever Believed Me Despite Overwhelming Evidence. i’ve been told by psychs that there’s no way i could possibly be autistic specifically because i can make alright eye contact when talking vividly about my passions (aka infodumping lmao) and i’ve faced mountains of institutionalized ableism that i’m not gonna get into here because it just, isn’t important.

these doctors are working with whatever WE relay to them, in the end. it’s glorified guesswork and checklists a lot of the time. it is important to recognize that they’re only human, too, and are capable of interpreting the signs wrong.

so if your psychiatrist isn’t specializing in this field (and even if they ARE, which can get REALLY BAD) then it seriously isn’t the word of g-d y’know? just because they say they don’t think you’re autistic does NOT mean you Aren’t. 

that’s not to say always undermine doctors and whatever (they went to school blah blah blah) but as someone who has had 98% bad experiences with every doc i’ve ever seen in my life and have always figured my shit out First only to be doubted doubted doubted and then Finally confirmed after the fact, i do believe that generally speaking, you know your body and mind a lot better than anyone else ever could. 

and when it comes to autism in particular, self diagnosis is often times the only tool a lot of us have! BECAUSE the system is so rigged from the inside. it’s extremely sexist and rigid and ableist and overall Not geared to acknowledge the different presentations of it that HAVE been documented but are NOT always examined or talked about. (looking at you, autism speaks!) the ASAN, meanwhile, encourages well informed self diagnosis. 

people who know what they’re talking about will Never tell you that self dx is inherently bad, wrong, or ill-advised. there are some things you can’t do it with (a lot of physical health conditions) but there are some things you ABSOLUTELY can, and autism is one of the biggest ones.

in the end, a prof. diagnosis is usually specifically for narrowing down what treatments are administered, a lot of the time it’s not even necessary to put certain things on paper even if they’re there. it’s a BIG complicated mess, i hate the entire health field most of the time (as someone who did try to work in it myself more than once haha OOF) so just.

grain of salt! if you have a strong gut feeling, do hefty research, talk to a community of people who go through the same things, and find ways to cope with your symptoms/experiences just based on that, then that’s uusally good enough when it comes to this sort of thing unless you wanna pursue actual accommodations.

ANON TWO

this one is tricky. first off, i’m really sorry that you’re stuck in this mindset right now; it’s very unfair that you were put in a position like that when you deserve to feel comfortable and at ease with yourself, whatever is going on.

it’s definitely not healthy in the end, for you or for others. very common! but ultimately not going to serve you. internalized ableism is a very painful thing to unlearn, but it would benefit you and other folks you interact with because just. 

even if you turn out to not be autistic, you have to examine Why you Don’t Want To Be, y’know? what about it is something you’re afraid of, or unsettled by, or any of it? is it because of how your symptoms have impacted your way of getting around the world (which is DEEPLY understandable and NOT your fault in the slightest), or is it because you don’t want to fit into a stereotype/you have a view that you need to dismantle?

i’m not accusing you of like Hating Autistic People of course like it’s just something we all have to ask ourselves when we get into a situation like this. 

chances are, and i’m just guessing, it’s definitely the first one. and it’s okay to be bitter or uncomfortable or unhappy about a difficulty that you face that no one around you seems to understand, or hasn’t been able to help you with. SO many people feel that way, i also feel that way sometimes, you’re Not alone there. 

the thing is, knowing what you need help with is the first step towards mitigating that! and being able to find words for it can often come from immersing more in a community that has shared experience with you.

so, i brought this question to my friends quick because i don’t have any blogs or resources for you and was wondering if they might, and here are some responses i think might help you:

ryl said,

i have no exact resources but i would tell them to get involved with autistic community, especially on twitter (since that's where most advocates go and not tumblr) and follow stim blogs? if you want you can direct them to me and i can find some particular recs, also the autistic self advocacy network has good things

so, ryl’s blog is @lilacqueerr​ if you want stim blog recs from them, go for it. i can vouch that they’re soothing and do tend to reblog positivity posts as well!

and DEFINITELY check out the ASAN, they have resources that are great!

parker said,

i was gonna rec the asan as well, and maybe rec they just spend some time in the actually autistic tag, like i know a lot of how i cope with shit like that is just immersing myself in positivity around it, and also maybe encourage them to like, 

1 get a good therapist [NOTE FROM RON: GOOD THERAPIST is the ticket here! refer to what i said to anon one]

2 try and reflect on the actual things that are bothering them like, Are they frustrated b/c they get sensory overload? Don't blame urself, fix your environment. Are they irritated b/c they have trouble connecting with people over stuff other than their special interest??? look for other autistic people with the same special interest

also fucking mood about that shit the only reason i realized i wasn't just (insert internalized ableism here) and was autistic was b/c i saw other autistic people talking about their experiences and projecting them on characters, i mean i didn't feel.... allowed??? to accept the label until my therapist said she thought i might be a little on the spectrum and also found out the ASAN is supportive of well researched self dxing

which i big agree with! don’t don’t don’t blame yourself for the way your symptoms might be impacting you - it’s not you, it’s your environment! the world, overall, isn’t constructed to be comfortable for anyone with a disability and it Sucks A Lot. but there are things we can do to make the littler things a LOT easier on us, and tbh? the first step IS accepting that we have these particular setbacks, so that we can address them!

it’s not bad to need help; it’s good to know what you need help with, so you can ask for it.

marley said,

yeah like, scrolling through the actuallyautistic tag helped me at first? nd i was like. kinda in a weird place bc i learned what autism was from. a headcanons post before i heard about it from anyplace else, but when i struggle with internalized stuff, it helps me to see ppl w said identity or something similar just like. living their life and being proud of who they are. the redinstead tag might help too

the actuallyautistic tag and the redinstead tag are both GREAT places to start, too! that’s honestly how i started looking into things, as well. talking to people about this stuff helped me more than any doctor ever has LOL.

which means now is the time to pull out my catchphrase: solidarity is my medicine of choice. 

and i’ll close this by saying that in addition to everything i pasted from my friends up there, they also added in SO many well wishes and positive thoughts and hopes for you to be able to pull yourself out of whatever sunken place you’re in. that’s support from a Bunch of people who know what you’re going through, and believe you deserve better, whether this is the thing that’s going on or not.

so, if you’re autistic? cool, so are we! and it’s a really wonderful thing to be, when you think about it. i know if i had the choice between being autistic and just taking it out of me, i’d not give it up for the world! it can make some things difficult, no doubt, but when you adjust your environment and interact more with like-minded people who know who you are and can communicate with you in a really special way that really displays the individuality and care in there? it’s worth EVERYTHING.

there is so much beauty in being autistic and i hope that someday you get to see it!!!! whatever happens, it’s gonna be alright. start small, maybe visit those tags and scroll through and see if you find any blogs and references in there. surround yourself with positivity and people who understand. you’ve got this! 

#internalized ableism tw #asks #anon #autism party #i should be tagging these i just gotta Group my Big Topic Things #the second response here is important i really hope anon sees it

[nope-body]

I talked to my therapist about my sensory issues and how it fits into sensory processing disorder pretty much perfectly and I know that we’re trying to work through a whole lot of things right now but it feels like she’s not actually listening to me on it? She sent me an article on sensory processing sensitivity, which isn’t what I was talking about and the article itself came off as sort of... weird? Something about it seemed off and I usually trust my instincts when it comes to that stuff because they’re never wrong. It also just. Didn’t fit what I was describing to her. Here’s what they say about someone with sensory processing sensitivity:

“A highly sensitive person — whether child or adult — processes sensory stimuli and information more strongly and deeply than do others. Individuals with SPS express these characteristics:

Deeper cognitive processing

More attention to subtleties

Greater emotional reactivity

Pausing before acting

Greater awareness of environmental and social stimuli, including the moods and emotions of others”

And half of those are the exact opposite of what I experience! I don’t even know what “more attention to subtleties” even means, but I don’t pick up on things that everyone else does, much less pick up on more things. I don’t pause before acting; I realize I’m doing something halfway through the task! Others moods and emotions? No clue! None whatsoever! I’ve only learned to identify when someone might be upset because of my parents- if they were having a bad day or were angry or frustrated or tired or anything negative, I have to be able to pick up on that or I will end up getting yelled at. Some of the identifiers I use for them can be generalized to others, but not always. And usually I think someone is irritated when they aren’t, so if anything, I’m less aware of “the moods and emotions of others”, not more.

And the stuff that does fit me? Can all be explained by other things. Deeper cognitive processing? Possibly adhd, possibly just genetics; I can’t say for sure because the wording is so vague that it could mean almost anything. Greater emotional reactivity? I’m traumatized! What do you want from me? And yeah, I have “greater awareness of environmental stimuli”- again, vaguely worded and can be clearly explained by my adhd- adhd brains don’t filter out the stimuli that neurotypical brains would deem unnecessary and filter out. I’m aware of everything happening and every sound and touch and bright light because my adhd doesn’t let me ignore them.

And my issue isn’t that I’m overwhelmed because my brain isn’t filtering stuff out. The issue is that I have so much difficulty processing any sensory input, which is made worse when I’m trying to process everything with no filter, and when it gets to be too much, it is physically painful to me, something that no one seems to get.

I don’t understand what people are saying half the time! Not because I can’t hear them or because they’re talking about things I don’t know about. I don’t understand them because the sounds they’re making, the sounds that everyone else seems to understand perfectly, sound like garbled gibberish to me. And when my brain gets tired from trying to process something (or everything)? The stuff it can’t process just becomes painful to me. The lights? Not even as bright as outside, just regular lights you’d see in a school or a building or wherever, they are too much for my brain to process. They are too bright and they hurt my eyes and to be honest, light in general hurts my eyes. When I’m in the shower and I think I got soap in my eyes, and I close them and rinse them off? I have to cover my eyes when I open them or else I won’t be able to tell whether the pain I’m feeling is soap or just the light.

And I looked at the Wikipedia article (as a base point) for sensory processing sensitivity, and it seems to be almost entirely based off of the research of one psychologist, Elaine Aron, and it started with a book she wrote, which seems to be the origin of the term “sensory processing sensitivity” and “highly sensitive person”, and only after the book was published did they formally establish the terms in any scientific context. Despite asserting that sensory processing sensitivity was a trait, and highly implying that it was a personality trait (she published an article connecting it to Carl Jung, who is a widely known psychologist who studied personality, in an academic journal), previous research 20 years earlier connected high sensory sensitivity to a lower stimulus threshold in the thalamus.

In non psychological terms, Elain Aron says that her sensory processing sensitivity is a personality trait, but other research shows that high sensory sensitivity is because the thalamus, the part of the brain that all sensory information passes through before it’s essentially “sorted” to the other parts of the brain, lets in more sensory information. The extra information that it lets in is what would be filtered out by a thalamus that belongs to someone without sensory sensitivity.

Elain Aron seems to be the driving force behind the term and concept of sensory processing sensitivity, based on her many books on the topic and her research articles, which, when looking up “sensory processing sensitivity” on scholarly google, seems to be the only articles cited on sensory processing sensitivity when it’s then used to look at how it impacts businesses people and technology use and pretty much anything. When sorted by relevance, she is an author of half of the “most relevant” articles on it (5/10), and almost everything else is taking her research and adding onto it through their own lens. Her first article using sensory processing sensitivity in a scientific context (as I said above, published a year after her book on the topic was published) has been cited by almost 800 other articles according to google.

She seems to be the only primary source of information on “sensory processing sensitivity”, and some of her conclusions, primarily the ones about “highly sensitive people” having a greater awareness of others’ moods and emotions, seem to be a bit. questionable. She has an article where they did MRIs on “highly sensitive people” and found that they all activated the same areas of the brain when looking at happy pictures, but I haven’t seen anything comparing the awareness of others’ moods and emotions between highly sensitive people and not highly sensitive people. And since she was also the one who created the questionnaire that establishes whether or not you’re a highly sensitive person, I’m starting to question things a bit.

I think that “sensory processing sensitivity” is simply not a thing, at least not in the way Elaine Aron defines it. I definitely believe that sensory sensitivity impacts people, some more strongly than others, and I think that being aware of others’ moods and emotions is a trait that can be present more strongly in some than others, but I don’t agree with how they are seemingly lumped together into “sensory processing sensitivity”, and the subtle wording around it that makes those with it, so called “highly sensitive people”, seem better and special and different, in a good way.

Sensory processing disorder, on the other hand, fits my experiences. The symptoms aren’t very clear cut, since it is not an official diagnosis in the DSM-V (though the symptoms of it are listed as possible symptoms of those with autism spectrum disorder), but from what I have gathered, it can be simply listed as

Hyper-responsive or over-responsive to sensory stimuli

Hypo-responsive or under-responsive to sensory stimuli

Sensory stimulation seeking

It seems like basically your brain processes sensory stuff weird and wants a certain level of input from each sense, beyond which that sense’s input ranges from mildly irritating to excruciatingly painful, and under which your brain almost ignores it completely. To get the correct level of input for each sense, your brain creates drives to seek out that correct level of input, and those drives can be distracting if there isn’t enough input or painful if there’s too much. So you then would take an action in response to that drive- whether it’s fidgeting with something (adding touch input), listening to music (adding sound input), turning off the lights (decreasing visual input), pacing (adding proprioception input, or your sense of your body in space), or something else.

Additionally, sometimes your brain just doesn’t process something right, like not understanding a word being said, not recognizing what’s in a picture, not recognizing the taste of something you’re eating, even if you’ve had it hundreds of times before, or something else. I think this may fall under hypo-responsive to sensory stimuli, but that symptom is more of a reaction to the actual symptom of your brain not processing a sense. If it’s not processed correctly, how can you be expected to respond the way you would otherwise?

This is what I’ve sorta concluded based on what turned up in my searches, because they were either unreliable, unhelpful, or both, so this is my understanding of sensory processing disorder. I might be wrong, but what information I’ve gathered on it makes sense for me, and fits my experiences. “Sensory processing sensitivity”, on the other hand, doesn’t, and I’m not even completely convinced it’s a “personality trait” that makes sense.

#I guess I’m just frustrated #I did fall down a rabbit hole there of what is sensory processing sensitivity and when did it become a thing #whoops #miiiight have hyperfocused on that for a quick minute #like an hour or two #it’s fine #I’m also not entirely convinced that sensory processing sensitivity was created in part for the money #because she has. a lot. of books on it #and it’s framed as if hyper sensitive people are special #sorta like empaths and how that’s a whole thing #but with their special stuff comes difficulties and wow! lookie here there’s someone to help

[champions-of-spirits]

New Fic Preview

Hey there, kiddos! Sorry for the long hiatus, my offline life has been crazy lately. But we’re back with a preview of what my next project is gunna be! Since this is a large project, I have a lot of background material on it and I’m working on writing the actual fic for it. In the meantime though, I’m posting the rough outline for the story as a birthday present to the amazing @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors​. But feel free to send in any questions and I’ll be happy to answer them as best I can!

This project was inspired by this post by @sandy-sides​. I’ve been sitting on this for quite a while though, but thanks to @tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors​ amazing story and their general awesomeness, I’ve finally got the inspiration to continue working on this again.

*****

Title: [In Progress, lol]

Summary:  Everyone is born with a heartbeat tattoo on their wrist. It’s the heartbeat of your soulmate and the color changes based on what’s happening in your soulmate’s life. (Ex: red for injury, blue for depression/loss) Once you meet, the heartbeat twists into a symbol representative of them.

Pairings: Eventual Prinxiety, Eventual Logicality, Platonic Logince, Adoptive Familial Moxiety

Warnings: Mentions of abusive families, panic attacks, homophobia (If there’s any I missed please let me know!!)

Notes: Patton and Virgil have been friends since high school. Virgil has autism, severe anxiety, and depression. Pat, despite being RA on their floor, is Virgil’s roommate. Logan and Roman were roommates their freshman year and are now best friends. Logan is also autistic. I do not plan to add Deceit or Remus to the story at this point, but that is not to say that there isn’t a possibility of them being added as I continue to write.

Outline:

Roman and Patton met at auditions

Patton invites Roman to meet him and Virgil for lunch the next day

Roman and Virgil end up having Creative Writing together right after lunch

Virgil spent all of lunch and all of class texting Patton

Pat has work while Virgil is in Creative Writing

Roman thinks Virgil just doesn't care about this class at all and is very irritated

Roman goes home and vents to Logan about it

Patton suggests that Virgil tries working backstage on the play, they're shorthanded this semester and Virgil did enjoy doing it in high school

Logan is in Patton's Gender Studies class the next evening

Patton invites him to dinner with Roman and Virgil

Virgil spend the entire meal on his phone (texting Pat)

This, once again, annoys Roman to no end

Virgil eats quickly and leaves claiming he has homework

Pat knows that it was a rough day and leaves soon after

Cue very irritated Roman 

A few weeks later, Roman explodes on Logan

Feels like Virgil is only tolerating him because of Patton

Logan informs Patton, with Roman's consent, as feelings are not his strong suit

Patton and Roman have a long, in-depth conversation in Roman's room after rehearsal that night

Logan overhears part of the conversation

Decides to tell Pat about his diagnosis, seeing how understanding and compassionate he's being with Roman and Virgil's situation

Logan studies outside his room for a while until he's certain that the topic has changed to something much lighter, then enters the room

"Oh! Hello Patton, I was not expecting to see you. How was rehearsal tonight?"

Patton stays a little longer to talk while Logan finishes an assignment for their gender studies class

Pat realizes that he hasn't finished it yet and leaves

Virgil is having a panic attack when Patton gets home

Virgil thinks that Roman hates him

Patton asks for his permission to tell Roman about his diagnoses

Virgil agrees

Logan tells Roman about his decision to tell Patton about his diagnosis

Ro thinks it's a fantastic idea and is very proud of his nerd

Secretly suspects that Logan likes Patton and plans to discuss it with Pat

Patton has another conversation with Roman the next night after rehearsal about Virgil's diagnoses

After Patton leaves, Roman realizes that Logan should've been home by then and goes to find him

Logan is having a meltdown in the library over something happening at home with his little sister

Roman attempts to calm him down, it sort of works

This is new territory and Ro tries his best

In Gender Studies the next day, they watch a rather upsetting video

Patton is crying by the end

Logan sneaks out part way through, unable to handle it after yesterday

Pat realizes that Logan must have left and goes after him

Logan is having a complete breakdown in the hallway

Turns out to be a panic attack but he doesn't know that

Logan freaks out even more when Patton comes out to find him

Patton brings him back down and they sit together and talk until class is over

Logan tells Patton about his diagnosis, Pat tells Logan that Virgil has the same thing and he's done a lot of research on it

Patton is overjoyed that Logan trusted him with that information, Roman hadn't told him the night before because Logan was planning to tell Pat himself

Patton goes back to get their bags and explains the situation to their professor

Prof is super understanding

The notetaker for the class (Thomas) happened to still be there and offered to send them both a copy of his notes

Patton and Logan head to dinner

Logan notices that Pat's tattoo isn’t moving

"Patton, did you recently meet your soulmate?"

"I don’t think so, why do you ask?"

"Your tattoo does not appear to be moving"

"What?" Patton looks at his wrist "Oh my goodness! It's knotted and I didn't even notice!"

"How odd. That's the same color as my tie." Patton gasps "I wonder…" Logan looks at his own tattoo "My tattoo was not knotted before class"

"Lo, we're soulmates!" cue extremely excited Patton and very flustered Logan

Patton and Logan walk into dinner holding hands

Patton is giggling, Logan is still blushing

Cue money transaction between Virgil and Roman who had some sort of bet

Roman and Virgil proceed to tease them relentlessly

Dress rehearsal is the following night

Virgil gets assigned to do all of Roman's changes (there's quite a few)

The rest of the crew not so secretly ships them

Opening Night!!

Virgil accidentally brushes Roman with his fingers while doing a change

Ro realizes ON STAGE, MID SCENE/MONOLOGUE that his tattoo has changed

Barely manages to make it through the scene until his next exit

Virgil is backstage having a panic attack as he watches his tattoo knot

Roman finds Virgil backstage and quickly starts to bring him down from the panic attack

Roman almost misses his next entrance, Pat finds them just in time

Patton helps Virgil through the rest of his panic attack

Roman asks Virgil out during intermission

Patton is crying in the background and texting Logan, who is in the audience

As always, my ask box and dms are always open if you guys have questions or just want to scream at me. You can send them here or to my main blog @flamingfawkes, fair warning though, anything asked on my main will be answered here and then reblogged over there. This is a work-in-progress, but if you guys have ideas or wish to be tagged in updates, please let me know! If this inspired you to do something of your own, feel free to do so and tag me! I’d love to see what you kiddos come up with. I’m almost done with the first chapter of this fic and it’ll be up as soon as it’s done (glares at that one section that has been giving me trouble for months). If you guys need anything at all tagged, please feel free to let me know. I do check the reblogs or at least i try to but you can also send me an ask or dm me.

#sanders sides fanfic #my writing #sanders sides soulmate au #sanders sides college/university au #ts sanders sides #tagged #flower child tag #tulipscomeinallsortsofcolors #sandy-sides #linked post #new fic #new fic means new tag #ff sanders sides soulmate au #sanders sides autistic sides au #ts logan #ts logic #autistic!logan #ts virgil #ts anxiety #autistic!virgil #ts patton #ts morality #ts roman #ts creativity #does this count as #bullet fic #??? #ive never actually done one of those before #so i have no idea #tw homophobia

[studiash]

Or How to Survive School with Learning Difficulties

I recently got officially diagnosed with a significant specific learning difficulty (SpLD) in the area of mathematics or Dyscalculia after years of struggling with the most basic parts of mathematics, and I felt this was a suitable topic for a studyblr post.

My numeracy and maths fluency (addition) on the WIAT III both were in the 2nd percentile (Meaning I scored lower than 98% of people), and the highest percentile on any of the maths subtests was my problem solving, coming in at the 18th percentile, which is still disastrously low

And yet despite of all this, I’m currently in IB Higher Level maths, and actually doing somewhat alright, and I had to be pretty good at maths in school throughout the years in order to allow this to fly under the radar for so long, so how did I do it?

Showing. Every. Single. Step. Of. Your. Work. 

I know for a lot of people it seems like just a waste of time to show everything you do, especially if it’s something supposedly as simple as “2-1″ when you could just write “1″ right away, but if you’re like me... it’s not as simple as that and as it gets to more and more complex “basic” bits your likelihood of messing it up is higher.

I can’t speak for any other curriculum but in the IB the majority of your marks in maths come not from the answer itself but the working, even if your answer is completely wrong if you’ve shown every step of your work you will get the majority of the marks, but sometimes they will only award the marks if they see where you went wrong, and if it’s not clear why you might’ve messed up you could lose a mark.

Proofread, proofread, go over your work, proofread

Whether it’s an essay, a lab report, or an exam, always proofread and check everything over again n again. You can never be too safe.

Your calculator is your best friend

You know all those memes that have a picture of a calculator with 1+1=2 and a caption like “just to be sure”, yea that’s been my entire life. The majority of my maths tests in IBMYP were with a calculator, and that’s a huge part of how I managed to actually be one of the star students, it wasn’t until the last year or so of MYP and then this past year of DP that I started struggling because things became non-calculator, and that’s how my dyscalculia finally got picked up on, and I’ve got accommodations now (which I will go over in the next section) that will help with that.

But when it comes to calculator exams like DP paper twos, you get your graphing calculator, and even for people who are great at mental maths, your calculator should still be your best friend because it saves so much time, and if your calculator can do something for you, don’t waste the time doing it by hand.

You need to graph a function? Put it in the calculator and use that as a reference. You need to solve an equation? Graph it. You’ve got an integral or some other long calculation needs doing? Don’t bother to simplify it heaps to do it on paper, just type it in.

Your graphing calculator saves you time and provided you type everything in properly your answer will be difficult to get wrong, just make sure you show some sort of “working” on your paper. If you graphed something to solve it, do a quick sketch with basic labels to how you got your answer paired with “GDC” written somewhere in the corner. Whatever you type into your calculator, make sure that’s written somewhere on your paper (and whatever steps you had to take to get to that point).

Access Arrangements (Accommodations)

If you have a diagnosed learning difficult or any other condition that may affect your performance (This includes stuff like ADHD and Autism and even most mental illnesses), you may be entitled to inclusive assessment arrangements, different schools will have different processes for different things but most school/exam boards, from the IBO to APs and the US college board, to AQA and Edexcel and all other GCSE/A Level exam boards have systems in place for inclusive assessment arrangements.

Whilst schools are supposed to have processes themselves in place so that you don’t have to be the one looking at all this, sometimes you have to be the one to self advocate. Remember that these arrangements exist for people who need them, not just because you want an extra advantage, do not abuse them if you don’t need them. If you’re doing IB your school’s IB coordinator is the one who has to submit the applications for any arrangements requiring authorisation, most schools will also have a dedicated special education or learning diversity team for these processes, approach any people involved about these arrangements if you believe you do need them.

I don’t know much about other systems but it should be fairly easy to locate information online (If you can’t, feel free to HMU and I might be able to help you with my googling prowess) but click here for IBO’s document detailing the possible arrangements and requirements to receive those arrangements

The most common arrangements that people get however are:

Separate exam venue, you don’t actually need authorisation from your exam board in order to receive this, your school may require certain things like a diagnosis or evidence that you would be better suited for it than others to consider it but ultimately this is usually one of the easiest accommodations to get. Additionally, or by itself, if you have difficulties with noise/your surroundings, even if you’re in the main exam venue you should be able to wear noise reduction earmuffs (they mustn’t have any sort of audio capability or electronic function, think construction earmuffs) and/or have mini “walls” placed around you on your desk to block external viewing.

Rest periods, similar to separate exam venues you don’t typically need authorisation for this either, in fact all students (at least in the IB) are technically entitled to a certain amount of break time per hour (for the IB it’s ten minutes per hour), your school may already provide all students with this option or it may reserve it only for people who’ve asked in advance, if you feel you’d need it, ask about it. It’s also possible to apply for additional rest period time if you need it but that does require some form of diagnosis or doctor’s note giving proper reasoning why and depends on exam board/school/why you want/need it.

Extra time, now this you need authorisation for pretty much no matter how much it is BUT the requirements are fairly lenient, with the IB as well as most other boards (I believe) you can easily get 10-25% extra time for the majority of conditions provided it can be shown you need it, so even if you only have a diagnosis of depression, if it’s shown that your depression interferes with your speed or quality of work you can very easily get 10% extra time and possibly even 25%. Once you’re looking at higher percentages like 50% or 100%+ it gets increasingly more difficult to qualify, 100%+ is incredibly rare and 50% is somewhat rare, but the process is similar. Either way: Talk to your school about it

Modified papers (large text, braile, coloured paper), a reader, a scribe, or the option to use technology to type written responses. There are specific requirements for obtaining these arrangements, and they differ from board to board and school to school, typically you will know if you require this sort of thing or not and it’s easiest to do your own research, and then get a doctor’s note or other medical certificate for these applications. Talk to your school about what you need for them to consider it.

And my personal favourite: four function calculator. This is possibly one of the hardest accommodations to get and you need to have a certain standard score on a mathematical related psych test (IB wants below 90 on a test of mathematical fluency), which means you need to get properly evaluated by an edpsych to even have a chance at receiving it.

And last but not least:

Do not be afraid to ask for help if you need it

#studyblr #study #study spo #study motivation #study inspo #study inspiration #student #studies #studysp #study tumblr #learning disorders #learning disabilities #learning difficulties #dyslexia #dyscalculia #international baccalaureate #international baccalaureate diploma program #international baccalaureate diploma programme #international baccalaureate diploma #IB diploma #IBDP #IB diploma programme #IB diploma program #IB #IBO #IB student #IB studyblr

[anarkhebringer]

i like your version of a modern au too can i have some more info on felix

Am I in Heaven? Have I been blessed? Of course I will gladly do more infodumps about how our favorite tsundere boyo is going in all this.It’s pretty beefy in length so yeah.

The thing I mentioned in my Ashelix infodump about “many an incident costing him the ability to fight forever and also get even a small job” was basically one thing leading to another that got him thinking “hey, maybe I should uhhhhh see a psychiatrist for these anger issues” and his diagnosis he received in time got him legally deemed disabled. So out the window his dreams of pursuing a career of battle went. Or rather, they were ripped away from him, as it felt like to him. He fell into a depression after that, and he became even more isolated. Since Glenn and Rodrigue are both long gone in the AU, I have done the honors and created him an aunt to live with instead.  He likes her though, and his cousin (pretty much seen as a little brother to him at this point) has autism like he does, so he doesn’t feel so alone in this whole deal.

Though getting closer with Claude was already helping him get out of his depressive rut slowly but surely, since he felt less alone in this front too since Claude is autistic too, and he can easily relate to Felix in ways his cousin can’t because he isn’t along the more developed parts of the spectrum in communication, and isn’t as verbal as Felix is. But when Ashe came in even more overall, not just as a boyfriend, he started making even more positive strides, and he started coming out of his bedroom and fully out of his apartment way more often to at least take some walks around his apartment complex for some direct sunlight.

He has three cats, a black cat with a pretty pink nose and pink toe pads named Cherry, a tabby and Siamese mix named Aqua, and a Russian Blue named Lily, and he spoils all three of his fur daughters to death with love and affection. They’re still well behaved though despite that since he knows when to set boundaries.

Shortly after he graduated from the Officers Academy, he came to a realization after some deep thought about some personal things that he’s nonbinary. He’s only recently come out to Claude, who told the others in his stead since he asked Claude to do so, when he couldn’t make it to the meetup between the Blue Lions and Golden Deer on the day he planned to come out to them all. Everyone took it much better than he expected when he got back from what he needed to do and asked Claude about it. He felt the most comfortable doing it this way since he wasn’t exactly sure about much involving these sorts of things until asking Claude for help looking into it. Since Claude is trans, he felt it was best to go to the only other person who isn’t cis among the peers that he truly interacted with in any way that was more than greetings and occasional small talk, to get it out there and proceed from that point forward.

He’s started to let it show in his fashion sense too, and is willing to show his fondness of cute things to very specific people. He has a growing collection of wigs too, so he doesn’t have to mess with his actual hair to get the style he wants in various situations if h wants something that he can’t just style his actual hair for without any cutting or dying or anything (he has a HATRED of people touching his hair and the idea of cutting it in general). His favorite wig is a black and red ombre one that goes down to the middle of his back since it’s easiest to match to his outfits he chooses.

Since he’s starting to open up slowly but surely, he’s going with a message he remembers the base of, but not the exact wording, that if he loses his purpose in life, he’d just need to find a new purpose. He doesn’t realize it, but he’s remembering what Flayn had said to him in his past life. He has no recollection of anything from his past life, so he literally has no clue why he remembers this or where it came from. Thanks to just rolling with it, he went with it when Claude encouraged him, and he started drawing. He’s very good at it, but doesn’t show anyone but Claude. He doesn’t like the idea of others knowing, and it takes his relationship with Ashe being established to even mention it to someone other than Claude. Though once he mentioned it and showed some of his work to Ashe, and Ashe reacted with as much amazement as he did, he started drawing things to give Ashe as gifts.

He eventually opened up to the idea of Claude introducing him to a friend that Claude holds very very dear, who happens to be Lukas. They all basically bonded quickly over having others who understand what it’s like being autistic and having the usual difficulties with communication and social cues and such. Felix met Python and Forsyth too, but overall he’s just in this for Lukas when Claude invites him to join in with he and Dimitri to go visit them. Python is too lazy and like a more cynical Sylvain to him, and Forsyth is too laser-focused on his ambitions and high expectations for himself for Felix’s tastes. Despite this, he doesn’t dislike them, and can hold conversations with them when he gets a good flow going. He’s just on a more neutral view of them and wouldn’t be bothered if he didn’t ever get to know them better.

Despite being in a relationship with Ashe and being more than happy, he’d always had feelings for Sylvain too. He’d even contemplated asking Ashe how he feels about polyamorous relationships to see if they could fit Sylvain into the mix somehow for a while. Fortunately, luck was on his side and Ashe had already known Felix feels for Sylvain too, alongside supporting the idea, so eventually they managed to get Sylvain on his own with them to offer the opportunity to him. Now they’re all established. At first Ashe didn’t have any feelings for Sylvain himself, but he grew on Ashe pretty quickly since he turned out to be really loving and much more loyal than expected. He even cut down on flirting with girls, which threw Felix and Ashe both for a loop.

Alrighty, I think that’s a good amount for now. Thank you for the ask, and I’m happy others are enjoying my modern AU stuff so much! I’ll happily tell more if there’s anything else anyone would like to know about, so feel free to send an ask my way about whatever you’d like to know about the AU!

#long post #asks #anonymous #Fire Emblem AU #FE Modern AU #Fire Emblem Three Houses #Felix Hugo Fraldarius #FE3H Felix

[dicloniusgames]

The Good Doctor: My Prediction On The Two-Part Season 3 Finale

Season three of ABC’s hit show The Good Doctor has had its ups and downs, but on March 23rd, 2020, something unexpected hits the residents of St. Bonaventure....an earthquake, 

That’s right. An earthquake hits the hospital and everyone inside is in danger, including the resident genius Dr. Murphy. Tonight’s episode left Shaun off at the bar pretty much getting drunk and then going back to the parking lot with a baseball bat about to smash up Lea’s car as he had seen someone do to a patient’s car. Obviously, drunk, Shaun pretty much let Lea have it and threw back everything she threw at him saying she’ll end up alone but didn’t go through with said car destruction and threw the bat down in a fit of drunken rage/depression. The episode also saw Claire admit to her therapist she’s in love with Dr. Melendez, which was an obvious thing that was fleshed out over the course of the season. Morgan also finds out she has Rheumatoid Arthritis and is advised against performing surgeries which at first she declares it’s her final surgery but then admits to Dr. Glassman that she won’t give up on what she wants despite the diagnosis. 

With these four major plots going on all at once, it sets up the final two episodes given the catastrophe that hits St. Bonaventure. 

While I’m not a fortune teller, here’s my predictions of what could happen when the two-part season finale beginning March 23rd. 

1. Someone Dies

Obviously, someone doesn’t make it out as the promo states, but the question is who? While this is just my prediction, there’s a chance it could be Reznick. With her diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis pretty much hampering her surgery skills over the course of the season and just discovering the diagnosis, it’d be a way to write her character off as performing surgeries with arthritis is a major risk not only to her but her patients as one wrong move or ache could spell disaster. 

2. Lea & Shaun Finally Take The Next Step 

While yes Lea has said she doesn’t want to be with Shaun because of his autism, she also admitted she loved him. Kind of a mixed signal if you ask me. But, what if something happened to either one of them that made them realize they’re meant for each other like if Lea saves Shaun from the rubble or if Shaun saves Lea? With Carly pretty much written out, Shaun went for it and while he was shot down, part of him can’t quit on Lea...even if he left her in tears at the end of tonight’s episode after his drunken tirade. Being drunk can get you to admit the truth that not even you know is in you. Shaun pretty much went off on Lea, but I think when it comes down to it, there’s a part of him that refuses to give up on her, even if people tell him to do so and focus on what he does best. 

3. Claire & Melendez End Up Together 

There’s been a connection between Dr. Melendez and Dr. Browne this season that sort of came out of nowhere but also got steam going over the last few episodes. It came to ahead when Claire admitted to her therapist she was in love with her boss. Putting the pieces together, this meant Dr. Melendez. Both of their track records with relationships has been far from good, especially when it comes to Melendez dating Dr. Lim last season. Claire hasn’t had that much better luck with her “relations” with Jared in season one. The chemistry’s there for these two but..

With an earthquake hitting San Jose in part one of the two-part season finale, anything’s possible. One thing’s for certain: Come season 4, nothing’s going to be the same again. 

[withasmoothroundstone]

[Lyrics at bottom of post, past all the footnotes.] 

Before anything else, I have to say I love Susan Boyle’s singing.  I saw an interview once where a guy who worked with her to record songs, said that he’s never really met someone like this before -- where basically, if she identifies with the characters the song, her singing is amazing, and if she can’t identify, she doesn’t sing well at all.  Which is something that makes total sense to me.

It took me a long time to be able to watch or listen to her, though.  I found other people’s reactions to her painfully familiar.  I guess I identified with her too much.  Both in watching how other people treated her and talked about her, and watching her trying to adjust to the new attention and publicity in her life.  I was glad people were recognizing her talents, but I boiled over with rage at the fact that most of the people who put her on a pedestal now, would have continued making her the butt of every joke if they’d never realized how well she could sing.  It’s like her singing skills made her human, and that made me beyond enraged.  

Hearing stories of how even as an adult, little kids would find ways to poke fun at her in public, reminded me too much of my own life.  Having recognition of my humanity depend entirely on recognition of my talents -- same.  Watching her try and fail -- spectacularly and publicly at times -- to handle the ugly side of celebrity... I’ve never been and hope I never will be a true celebrity, but I’ve had my fifteen minutes of fame (which I only consented to because I thought it would get certain messages out there and was told hiding from all publicity might be selfish) and it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.  So there have been many times I’ve found it too acutely painful to follow her, because I could identify with too much of what I was hearing.  It was like touching a raw nerve, I couldn’t handle it so I just looked away.

And also... and also.  I recognized her the moment I first saw her.  I recognized her as ‘my type of people’.  (Something that, while it has more overlap with some labels than others, is not tied to one specific disability label.)  I was not surprised to hear she was labeled as having some kind of nonspecific developmental disability growing up.   I was thoroughly unsurprised when, after all the publicity, and after some very public meltdowns, she was diagnosed with autism(1).  These things were on the order of “How did other people not notice?”

Which leads me to a question I’ve had for a long time:

Some autistic people are absolutely and totally obsessed with finding and listing famous people that they believe are autistic.  Much of the time, the people they’re calling autistic are either undiagnosed now, or were born and died long before they could’ve been diagnosed, so they’re guessing.  (I’ve got some problems with that kind of guessing, at least the way they do it.)  Sometimes, they do list people who are officially diagnosed.  But at any rate...

Of currently-living people, Susan Boyle may be the most famous person on the planet with any kind of actual official autism label.  She’s not famous for having autism, but she’s famous and she’s been diagnosed with Asperger’s, and these are facts that are readily available.  She’s certainly way more famous than Temple Grandin -- she’s a worldwide household name, Temple Grandin isn’t.

I have never seen Susan Boyle on a list of famous people with autism.  And these lists are circulating all the time.

There’s probably a lot of reasons this doesn’t happen.

But I suspect I know one reason that it sometimes doesn’t happen.

One way that I identified with her right off the bat -- she’s embarrassing.

Before anyone gets mad at me for saying that, I’m not saying I’m embarrassed by her.  I am saying that lots of autistic people probably are.  I can’t explain how I know this.  I just know that she has qualities that I also have, and I have been outright described many times by other autistic people as so horribly embarrassing to look at that it’s a terrible thing that videos of me even exist, or that people look at those videos and pass them on.  

She’s visibly odd in ways that some of us are and some of us aren’t.  So am I.  We’re not visibly odd in identical ways, by any means.  But... I can sort of map out the reaction some people have to me, and map out the way she moves and responds to things around her, and map out the fact that some autistic people are not going to respond well to her.  Also our physical appearance is... I wouldn’t call us ugly (I find people with distinctive appearances attractive, actually -- probably an outgrowth of faceblindness), but a lot of people definitely would.  And autistic people are far from immune to judging other autistic people based on things like our weight, face, dress sense, mannerisms, etc.  And while being nerdy and geeky have become cool in some circles, it’s still never cool to be dorky.  Susan and I are dorky.

Also I have to wonder if there’s any element of this related to the fact that she’s famous for something that’s part artistic skill (including both creativity and technical skills), and part emotional skill.  She’s got a great voice, but that’s not what people respond to.  People respond to her ability to put herself into the shoes of whoever the song’s point of view is from, and then translate that raw emotion into a way to use her talented singing voice.  If all she had was a good voice, nobody would know her.  What she has is empathy.

And according to stereotype, autistic people aren’t even supposed to have empathy, let alone rely on empathy to guide our greatest talents in life.  Even autistic people who know intellectually that this is not true, tend to view other people with autism as having talents primarily in technical areas, not emotional areas, and if they are in emotional areas, they’re to do with self-expression, not empathy.  But, in fact, some autistic people are if anything over-empathic to the point it can become painful, like another source of sensory overload.  I’m one of many such people.  She’s another.  And if she didn’t excel at putting herself in a character’s shoes and then expressing the innermost feelings of that character artistically, nobody would know or care who she was.

So I think all of those things add up to why she’s not on many -- not on any I’ve seen, but I can’t claim to have seen them all -- of those lists of “famous autistic people”.  Despite the fact that she’s world-famous and actually (unlike half the people on those lists) officially diagnosed.  It’s also possible that some of the people making those lists simply don’t know this about her, but I can’t buy that nobody making such a list would have noticed by now.

Mind you, I don’t think she’d care whether she’s on such a list or not.  She doesn’t strike me as someone who gets caught up in the identity of being an autistic person.  She strikes me as someone who sees that as one way of describing some of who she is, but that who sees themselves primarily from outside the lens of autism.  (Which I find refreshing.  People who get too caught up in autism-as-central-identity tend to lose sight of important parts of who they are, even if their view of autism is broader and more positive than the official one.  There’s something dehumanizing about the whole thing that even the most ardent supporters of ideas like ‘neurodiversity’ have never been able to fully remove from the concept of autism.)

The only reason I care, is that... well... I don’t like to see people treated as too embarrassing or too non-stereotypical for recognition of that kind.  And because I don’t know of anyone else who is both officially recognized as autistic and famous primarily for an empathic skill.  Lists of people who all have skills in roughly the same (usually science/technology/etc., sometimes artistic but still in a sense that’s viewed as somehow solitary and unconnected to people) skill areas, give the impression that we can only be good at things in a narrow range of areas.  Or even that we shouldn’t even try in other areas, because those things are ‘not for us’. And that can become incredibly limiting and confining. 

I have a friend who says that people with intellectual disabilities are often stereotyped (even by people trying to “highlight their strengths”) as ‘mindless hearts’, while autistic people are often stereotyped as ‘heartless minds’.(2)  It’s time people recognized that autistic people can be interested in or excel in “heart-related” areas and people with intellectual disabilities can be interested in or excel in “mind-related” areas.  But most of all, it’s time people recognized that all of us have both minds and hearts.

(1) I stopped differentiating between the different diagnostic sub-labels of autism long before the DSM lumped them all together as one diagnosis.  It’s not that we don’t vary from each other in important ways.  It’s just that those ways are not captured by any division anyone has ever come up with to split us up into categories, whether that’s “high functioning” or “low functioning” or purported differences between Asperger’s, autism, and PDDNOS.  Also, in times and places where various diagnostic labels have been used, they’re not always used by the book.  Meaning there are lots of people who fully more than qualified for a straight ‘autism’ diagnosis who were labeled with PDDNOS or Asperger’s because of age or stereotypes.  Age?  Adults getting an autism diagnosis are often labeled with Asperger’s whether they actually meet those criteria or not.  Because, even (as in one person I knew personally, and she was far from unique) in someone who didn’t speak a word until their mid-teens and grew up labeled with a severe intellectual disability, both of which make you disqualify massively for an Asperger diagnosis, the fact that she could talk in her late twenties meant she got diagnosed with Asperger’s.  She actually had mild Rett syndrome which was only discovered genetically after her daughter was born with severe Rett’s -- but if they didn’t know about the Rett’s, the appropriate label would’ve been ‘autistic disorder’. 

It may seem odd that I care so much about people inappropriately getting Asperger’s diagnoses, if I don’t see Asperger’s as separate from autism.  The reason I care is that every time you get someone saying “If you made it to your thirties with no diagnosis you couldn’t possibly qualify for an autism diagnosis” or “If you’re talking really well now it doesn’t matter what your speech development was like,” it strengthens the stereotype that “real autism” can’t be missed in children and also strengthens the stereotype that every autistic person capable of talking to you about the matter actually “only” has Asperger’s and not “real autism”.  So it’s actually my objection to the way stereotypes are employed that makes me care about people using Asperger’s as a catch-all term for anyone who went undiagnosed until adulthood and anyone who can use language with superficial fluency at least some of the time.

So there ends my long explanation of that, there’s a reason I put it in a footnote.

(2) It’s more complicated than that.  Some of us get seen as both heartless and mindless.  Some autistic people (even without ID) get thrown into the mindless heart category.  And there’s a huge array of related disability stereotypes in general that I’d love to discuss someday.  But right now I don’t have the time or energy, so I’ll stick with my friend’s basic way of saying it.

LYRICS (”Mad World”, originally by Tears for Fears, as sung here by Susan Boyle, the lyrics are different from the original in some places):

All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces Bright and early for the daily races Going nowhere, going nowhere Their tears are filling up their glasses No expression, no expression Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow No tomorrow, no tomorrow

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very Mad world Mad world

Children waiting for the day they feel good Happy birthday, happy birthday Want to feel the way every child should Sit and listen, sit and listen I went to school and I was very nervous No one knew me, no one knew me Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson Looked right through me She looked right through me

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very Mad world Mad world

And I find it kind of funny I find it kind of sad The dreams in which I'm dying Are the best I've ever had I find it hard to tell you I find it hard to take When people run in circles It's a very, very Mad world Sad world Mad girl Mad world

#actuallyautistic #Susan Boyle #actuallyDD #actuallyneurodivergent #empathy #famous autistic people #mindless hearts #heartless minds #singers #singing #embarrassment #Mad World #Tears For Fears #music #songs #favorite singers