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seedleaflesssapling · 3 years

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Ver 2.0? Turning Point?

I can't really identify to which point in my life that i started to doubt myself but im pretty sure that it was because of UP. Damn, that school, my uni. It do really have the ability to make you feel small; i was in a disadvantaged side when i entered it, you know. I was acquainted, no we did not really talked one-on-one, but i heard when we did introductions - Pisay, UP High, science comprehensive schools, Xavier University, who wouldn't be intimidated by that when you came from Col. Ruperto Abellon National School (who would know where that is? I was lucky enough for a teacher recognized it and my classmates be like 'ahhhhhh,' .....really?! I dont even know where xavier is, it just sounds cool). Another thing is that, i wasn't a stem shs graduate - a leverage(?) or excuse (?) that i always use for them to know that i am at disadvantaged side here, not their competitor, probably a NOBODY. They, being stem graduates, have capstone projects you never thought that they have at that age, but i would hear them saying that it was publish in this journal (whatever, idk the journals lmao, i dont even understand their studies 2nd lmao, but that was some smart shit you know, a shit that makes me feel pathetic for being too proud of my what? Correlational study from inconsistent surveys?!!! Wtf, wtf, wtf). But it was a very good peer pressure you know, i kinda turned it that way. Being left behind, being on the rock bottom, i have no other place to go but up. It wasn't the goal, like making or taking the top spot, i just need to survive.

Inevitably, the exams came. I had hard time adjusting chem but math was kind to me. Who would have thought that i would get two 1.0 at my math subjects for the first semester, the sem that i thought i would barely pass. I was even a CS for that sem. Who would have thought? Our first chemical engineering subject that involves computations was on the list the next semester and the first exam, out of 100 i got something like 20ish. WTF. THAT WAS MY FIRST FAILED EXAM. but no, never did cry but tears were flooding inside. So apparently, i have to focus more on this subject and i did. Some were still failing, but i raised my average up. We also had physics, my first ever physics. I really love physics that time or that sir rommel is just a very good professor. I got the highest score on our second LE, everybody else did fail. Small victories. Not that they lose, but i just won. But i heard one time they were talking about me re: passing the physics exam and even getting a high score. They were uhm.. a guy i really look up to cause his good, the other was a girl that idk but i think she didn't like me back then. They were friends but eventually the girl transferred uni because who cares why. i heard the guy saying something like sin.o gid na si franklin nga taas iya score man, maybe even worse than that, i still look up to the guy even until now. But wtf. I really took it in that time, like i wanted to cry but did not. With all that, i got a fair grade at physics. I still got 1.0 at maths that sem and even maintained being on the CS list. S M I L E. BECAUSE WE HAVE A MIDYEAR CLASS. VERY EXHAUSTING FOR SOMEONE WHO DONT WANT ANYTHING BUT JUST ADJUST, SURVIVE, AND FIND MEANING OF BEING A UP STUDENT. It was just one subject and it was math, but i got 2.0?!!! I have no excuse to that, i am very grateful for the family who accommodated me. After midyear class, i did got sick, it sucks, really sucks. I wanted to file an LOA for the next academic year, it is the only thing i can think of for me to go back on track (i haven't said that my parents pushed me to graduate with latin honor and i wanted to also for my resume to look good because everything else in me is effed up). I really wanted to pause and be free for a while but i also wanted to graduate on time (mostly because i want to give the bitches who dared to have expectations be put on my shoulders not the satisfaction, but the audacity to tell them 'i aint did it for ya') so i asked mama. THANK GOD, SHE DID SAY NA KUNG ANO LANG KAYA MO, AMO LANG DA IH 😭😭🤧🤧 so i enrolled, but went to school late, haven't attended the school opening but all is good. I did kind of reset, just enough for me to face school again.

Second year, it was fucked. I did really love coding on octave and doing sheets at ms excel though. On that year, we have formed the che 103 bagsak group. Together with two of my classmates on 103 and math 55, we became buddies after failing che 103 on the first LE, another 30 over 100 exam hahahahaha. We made bawi just enough for us to pass the subject hahahahahuhu. I have thermodynamics sub, i barely pass. Thank G na wala ko nag removal. If ever i did, i am so sure that i wont make it. My GWA for that sem was not enough for me to be a CS. Who cares? I still did, actually but mama was never been too pushy since then, even since after midyear, after getting that 2.0 grade from the only subject i am good at. Btw, my math 55 for first sem, second year, was 1.25. Not a 1.0 but still, it's good. Second semester that year was when pandemic hit so there's nothing much to tell. I was, sorry but i was really, glad to be away from school for a while, not until for a while became forever. Virtual university set-up was very hard. With too much from taking in whatever i see and hear on my surroundings, even just at home, everything is difficult. It is very hard to find motivation and discipline in studying when i was surrounded with people who do nothing. Even to this point i am writing, everyday is like a battle, but is mostly an internal one. Self vs self, a war no one knows who will win. So the confidence, the tower of knowledge i did build, exponentially went down. I did really well when i was in grade 10, i did my best that time and it can be seen at the achievements i had that year. Being consistently on top 1 the whole year, placing second on division MMC (even getting the highest score on the written elimination round for the whole cluster), doing well sa physics under maam andico, placings on cluster journalism competitions - it was like a record best, best record (?) Whatever. But it wasn't enough you know, i eventually came fourth like wtf. I had read from somewhere Newton saying like the two years when he did write the three laws of motion and the calculus stuff were the two best years of his life, and it kept me thinking that what if mine already passed? That it was when i was in high school?

But, back when i was in school, every time that i was belittling myself or even at random times that i would feel nervous for nothing, my classmates and close friends would say na:

Uno mo man ang Math, uno mo na na (it was a one or two time thing, what if chamba lang to???)

Ikaw man highest sa first le sa thermo (it was really an absolutely one time thing, i barely passed that sub)

Alam ka man sa physics (i was just invested on physics and maybe nachambahan lang na ang ginpractice ko solve kay parallel sa exam ni sir)

Alam ka, d ka lang confident (OKAY???!)

I was ignoring those shit cause who cares if i did really good that time. Yeah, it felt good but it wasn't fulfilling. Satisfied but not happy. But with recent events, i think i would be changing. This post will be a written contract that i will push to be better, to start trusting myself, and build that confidence glow behind me; to believe that i am bright and i can hack it, whatever it may be.

For coherence, i would itemize na lang all of the events that brought me to epiphany lol

It was Friday, 17 Sep, when Dean, in our plant design subject, gave an activity for us - to come up with solutions that would address problems he presented. 1 off grid island community (either you address the water, electricity, and phone reception/signal problem under a 100k budget) and 2 vinegar packaging with a 500 mL volume and should cost less than the cost of vinegar. The due's on Monday, 20 Sep. The challenge is that you should come up with an idea that is not the same with those who already turned in their proposed solutions. I haven't turned in mine until Sunday afternoon. We are 23 in class, hence there should be 23 proposed solutions for each problem. However, only 20 or 21 turned in their solutions and as a student who decided to do it three days after the sheet was given, i was at the second to the last of the entries hahaha. I have limited choice since a lot have been proposed. And ngl, i did entered my idea for the first problem at Sunday evening and for the second problem it was on the afternoon of the next day. Those were basic solutions cause who am I? Am just your basic guy.

Tuesday, 21 Sep (#NeverForget #NeverAgain), class again for plant design (PD). Dean discussed stuffs which im ngl, i did not listen because im bored (not until he said 'we'll have a 5-min break and we'll have a quiz after that' like wtf, how will we do our quiz???!). After the short break, I did study cause i panicked as hell, he presented the prospects of the course, that we will be divided in groups and that the leaders were chosen based on the solutions they turned in the activity previously given. So there's no quiz, i was calm the whole time after that until my name was called. Like wtf??! Your basic guy will be a leader???! Hello!!! So i chat people, asked them if it was a good thing (course it was!!!? So dumb right?!). And then, i asked another leader and she agreed to my argument that we should only be divided into six instead of seven as what dean has decided. So i chatted dean (pic below). I just accepted the role half-heartedly.

As leaders, we should be hiring people for our team and we should make pubs. I dont have a canva account to help me do pubs. I made mine at MS ppt HAHAHAHAHAHA but im good so its cute. We were assigned with projects and i get to have the 4-member team. The vacant roles were project maven and liaison officer for a 3-member team. In my pubs, i included scrummaster as position to be filled, cause who am i to lead?! So yeah, that's it. I did the pubs Wednesday and I submitted my resume Thursday (third to the last hahahaha but my resume's cute hahaha).

Thursday. So i had this invite by a classmate to join the Shell event long time ago. He was reaching out for someone to ask Dean for his approval because Dean did not replied to the email he sent. So, i volunteered. I really want this competition cause this will be my first and maybe last competition as a UP student. So i DMed dean and blah blah blah he asked for selection process. I relayed the message and apologize to them for being me because i was thinking that it was me who made him come up with the decision of having the team be selected. Like, wtf i was just asking for his approval. Getting kicked out of the team was not my intention. Those whom i chatted that night were telling me that it wasn't my fault blah blah blah. So i half-heartedly agreed to them.

Friday came, yesterday, the interview. I am very anxious for someone who will be the one asking the applicants lmao. I already have been interviewed before for college applications and somehow remember the feeling, nerve wracking, whatever. To calm my nerves, i listed questions which i never got to ask properly btw, but at least i have concrete ideas on what to ask. The first interviewee was my very closed friend and so we just laugh and laugh and laugh HAHAHAHAHA. IDK if dean saw it but who cares. And the next and next and next. 3:30 passed by fast and guess what??? YOUR BASIC GUY HAS THE MOST NUMBER OF APPLICANTS TO THE POINT THAT DEAN CUT MY LIST. IT WAS EXHAUSTING BUT VERY FLATTERING. I FEEL SO HONORED. i really thought and very scared at the thought that no one will apply to me but wtf, just wtf. Ranking my applicants was damn hard. 1 i have a dream team but one was cut by dean; 2 this could make my friends mad; 3 this will be the group for the whole year; 4 i am really exhausted. But still, i submitted the list. I was hoping for the people i chose to choose me back. Only two out of three did, i am forever grateful.

Still on Friday, the classmate who invited me to the Shell thing and Dean had a zoom call and discussed about the competition. That classmate told dean what i told him the other day that i might be the reason for the decision of having the selection process done. He told me this through a voice memo, katamad daw magtype. A voice message that i played over and over again. Dean actually find me interesting (?), Invested (?) Idk exactly but the classmate told me na 'may nakikita daw talaga sya sayo. Na grabe ka ka-practical as a person like yung ideas mo daw sa plant design napakasimple lang pero napaka practical to the point daw na madami nag apply sayo kanina. And then, you need more confidence lang daw talaga' so ig, you basic guy is a practical guy now. It's just flattering.

Now, whatever happens, i must meet those expectations right? This could be a lousy motivation but what is if there's none? I dont know why im writing this. I just thought i should get my thoughts out. Ver 2.0? Turning point? Let's just do good 😌

PS I put this on my bio on FB, guess im getting more public, and if you happened to read this because you saw the link on my bio, send me a message about you thoughts.

PPS if your initials are JTZC, these have been my week and i miss you even though you're not interested in me anymore, you are hard to forget

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asd-n-me · 4 years

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so I’ve been trying to figure out what disorder I have for years and recently I learned about autism. (I think it’s grossly over stereotyped because I thought it was weird until I looked it up) and it describes me for the most part. I stim when happy like the flapping. I have sensitivity to textures. Executive dysfunction is very real. I get distracted easily and motivation is so hard to come by. I have small routines rather then large ones. Your account has been really helpful in this process

Pt2 but I’m nervous that I’m just trying to fit a box.Like my social skills are horrible but I speak and understand sarcasm. I don’t get sensory overloaded but i hyperfixate on things. I have a special interest(s) on weird things but I also like things in the “normal way” I stim a lot and have weird mood fluctuations that I try to keep down so no one asks or sets me off.But I’m almost 18 and there should have been a earlier signs?Idk do you think it’s possible Or am I just trying too hard to fit

I am sorry my response is a little late, I’ve been having technical troubles but I am back.

Friend, I am so glad that you find my account helpful because that is always my goal.

I have always disliked people asking these things in asks, just because I know the typing is limited so it’s hard to describe all your experiences in 500 spaces or less.

Hyperfixation, executive dysfunction, distractability, mood fluctuation, and some stimming and sensitivities can be seen in our ADHD cousins. I’m sure you are aware of that already.

1.That being said, if you’re just discovering your autistic traits recently I am sure you are missing earlier signs that you haven’t even put together yet. That doesn’t mean they aren’t there.

Not to mention the fact that, “high-functioning” considered individuals tend to be able to somewhat handle things in their youth, but start breaking down as they excel in age.

2. You do not have to have sensory overloads to be autistic. Many autistics are adept at self-regulation and can for the most part avoid overload.

But I hope you realize you do not have to meltdown or shutdown to be in overload. If a sound or texture or anything else sensory related has ever had you afraid you might yell at someone, scream into the abyss, or had you white knuckling the table or breaking a pencil or ripping paper to keep your cool etc. than you have suffered the effects of sensory overwhelming you.

If the last thought in your head is, “how did i manage to not lose my shit?” It’s because you were being overwhelmed.

3. No need to differentiate between little and small routines, if you’ve been on my blog you know I am a big supporter of people who experience small routines. You are no less.

4. Plenty of autistics understand sarcasm and use it frequently. It doesn’t somehow disqualify you despite what certain Neurotyicals think. Late diagnosis autistics often manage certain aspects of socializing with their deficiencies written off as being awkward or quirky.

Something to think about as well. A. did you always understand sarcasm? B. how much sarcasm do you not realize you are missing?

I live in a sarcastic household, we use sarcasm constantly, but there are still times I don’t realize someone is being sarcastic and no one explains it. I have felt very proficient in sarcasm my whole life, but I was quite surprised to find out how much I was still missing. Not saying that’s your story, but it is something to think about.

5. Now that I’ve been talking forever, sorry for that, there are always some earlier signs of autism because it is a lifetime disorder, however that doesn’t mean people around you or even yourself will notice them.

Don’t stop looking into autism. If it resonates with you look deeper. When I first read about autism I didn’t think it was me at all. You’d think that would be ridiculous and that I should have seen myself immediately but I didn’t. It wasn’t fancy articles and informational videos that helped me see it either, although they helped, it was through the experiences of other autistic POV.

I can post somethings about recognizing earlier signs or autism soon, I would recommend for now watching the video I posted about being a teenage aspie, neurowonderful and invisible I are good youtubes for learning about autism. Neurowonderful is more informative and invisible I is a little less accurate but fairly relatable.

A good blog to look into on tumblr is asdmemory tagged #ASDmemory because they talk a lot about childhood autistic memories. undiagnosedautismfeels is off track of its real intentions, which I know drives the admin nuts, but has stories of before they knew they were autistic.

Save the things that resonate with you, write em in a book, whatever you want. I wish you well in your journey to self discovery and no friend, I don’t think your are just trying to fit it. I think you are trying discover who you are. <3

(if you still have questions feel free to hit the ask box again i will answer, if you’d like to talk more please don’t be afraid to send me a message. if you still prefer asks because of the anon feature than don’t be afraid to spam me with like 5 in a row. whatever helps you feel like you explained yourself. dont be afraid to ask the same question either if you didnt feel i answered it as it was intended.)

Have a great day!

#Autistic asks #am i autistic #late diagnosis #autistic experiences

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red-will · 3 years

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I don't know what to do with good white people.

I've been surrounded by good white people my whole life. Good white people living in my neighborhood, who returned our dog when he got loose; good white teachers in elementary school who pushed books into my hands; good white professors at Stanford, a Bay Area bastion of goodwhiteness, who recommended me M.F.A. programs where I met good white writers, liberal enough for a Portlandia sketch.

I should be grateful for this. Who, in generations of my family, has ever been surrounded by so many good white people? My mother was born to sharecroppers in Louisiana; she used to measure her feet with a piece of string because they could not try on shoes in the store. She tells me of a white policeman who humiliated her mother by forcing her to empty her purse on the store counter just so he could watch her few coins spiral out.

Two summers ago, my mother showed me the welfare reports written about her family. The welfare officer, a white woman, observed my family with a careful, anthropological eye. She described the children, including my mother, as "nice and clean." She asked personal questions (did my grandmother have a boyfriend?) and wrote her findings in a detached tone. She wondered why my grandmother, an illiterate Black mother of nine living in the Jim Crow South, struggled to find a steady job. Maybe, she wrote in her loopy scrawl, my grandmother wasn't searching hard enough.

This faded report is the type of official document a historian might consult if he were re-constructing the story of my family. The author, this white welfare officer, writes as if she is an objective observer, but she tells a well-worn story of Black women who refuse to work and instead depend on welfare. Occasionally, her clinical tone breaks down. Once, she notes that my mother is pretty. She probably considered herself a good white person.

In the wake of the Darren Wilson non-indictment, I've only deleted one racist Facebook friend. This friend, as barely a friend as a high school classmate can be, re-posted a rant calling rioters niggers. (She was not a good white person.) Most of my white friends have responded to recent events with empathy or outrage. Some have joined protests. Others have posted Criming While White stories, a hashtag that has been criticized for detracting from Black voices. Look at me, the hashtag screams, I know that I am privileged. I am a good white person. Join me and remind others that you are a good white person too.

Over the past two weeks, I've seen good white people congratulate themselves for deleting racist friends or debating family members or performing small acts of kindness to Black people. Sometimes I think I'd prefer racist trolling to this grade of self-aggrandizement. A racist troll is easy to dismiss. He does not think decency is enough. Sometimes I think good white people expect to be rewarded for their decency. We are not like those other white people. See how enlightened and aware we are? See how we are good?

Over the past two weeks, I have fluctuated between anger and grief. I feel surrounded by Black death. What a privilege, to concern yourself with seeming good while the rest of us want to seem worthy of life.

When my father was a young man, he was arrested at gunpoint. He was a Deputy District Attorney at the time, driving home one night from bible study when LAPD pulled him over. A traffic violation, he'd thought, until officers swarmed his car with shotguns aimed at his head. The cops refused to look in his wallet at his badge. They cuffed him and threw him on the curb.

My father is mostly thankful that he'd stayed calm. In his shock, he had done nothing. That's what he believes saved his life.

I think about this while I watch Eric Garner die. For months, I avoided the video, until we arrived at another officer non-indictment. Now I've seen the video of Garner's death, as well as a second video I find even more disturbing. This second video, taken immediately after Garner has been killed by a banned chokehold, shows officers attempting to speak to him, asking him to respond to EMTs. They do not yet know that he is dead, and there's something about this moment, officers shuffling around as an EMT seeks a pulse, that is so bafflingly and frustratingly human, so different from the five officers lunging and wrangling Garner to the ground.

In the wake of this non-indictment, a surprising coalition of detractors has emerged. Not just black and brown students hitting the streets in protest but conservative stalwarts, like Bill O'Reilly or John Boehner, criticizing the lack of justice. Even George W. Bush weighed in, calling the grand jury's decision "sad." But even though many find Garner's death wrong, others refuse to believe that race played a role. His death was the result of overzealous policing, a series of bad individual choices. It would have happened to a white guy. The same way in Cleveland, a 12-year-old Black boy named Tamir Rice was killed by officers for playing with a toy gun. An unfortunate tragedy, but not racial. Any white kid playing with a realistic-looking toy gun would have been killed too.

Darren Wilson has been unrepentant about taking Mike Brown's life. He insists he could not have done anything differently. Daniel Pantaleo has offered condolences to the Garner family, admitting that he "feels very bad" about Garner's death.

"It is never my intention to harm anyone," he said.

I don't know which is worse, the unrepentant killer or the man who insists to the end that he meant well.

A year ago, outside the Orange County airport, a white woman cut in front of me at the luggage check. She had been standing next to me, and soon as the luggage handlers called next, she swooped up her things and went to the counter. She'd cut me because I was black. Or maybe because I was young. Maybe she was running late for her flight or maybe she was just rude. She would've cut me if I had been a white woman like her. She would've cut me if I had been anyone.

Of course, the woman ended up on my flight, and of course, she was seated right next to me. Before the flight took off, she turned to me and said, "I'm sorry if I cut you earlier. I didn't see you standing there."

I often hear good white people ask why people of color must make everything about race, as if we enjoy considering racism as a motivation. I wish I never had to cycle through these small interactions and wonder: Am I overthinking? Am I just being paranoid? It's exhausting.

"It was a lot simpler in the rural South," my mother tells me. "White people let you know right away where you stood."

The problem is that you can never know someone else's intentions. And sometimes I feel like I live in a world where I'm forced to parse through the intentions of people who have no interest in knowing mine. A grand jury believed that Darren Wilson was a good officer doing his job. This same grand jury believed than an eighteen-year-old kid in a monstrous rage charged into a hailstorm of bullets toward a cop's gun.

Wilson described Michael Brown as a black brute, a demon. No one questioned Michael Brown's intentions. A stereotype does not have complex, individual motivations. A stereotype, treated as such, can be forced into whatever action we expect.

I spent a four hour flight trying not to wonder about the white woman's intentions. But why would she think about mine? She didn't even see me.

In elementary school, my older sister came home one day crying. She had learned about the Ku Klux Klan in class that day and she was afraid that men in white hoods would attack us. My father told her there was nothing to worry about.

"If a Klansman sat at this table right now," he said, "I'd laugh right in his face."

My mother tells stories of Klansmen riding at night, of how her grandmother worried when the doctor's son—a white boy—visited her youngest sister because she feared the Klan would burn down their home. When I was a child, I only saw the Klan in made-for-TV civil rights movies or on theatrical episodes of Jerry Springer. My parents knew what we would later learn, that in the nineties, in our California home, surrounded by good white people, we had more to fear than racism that announces itself.

We all want to believe in progress, in history that marches forward in a neat line, in transcended differences and growing acceptance, in how good the good white people have become. So we expect racism to appear, cartoonishly evil like a Disney villain. As if a racist cop is one who wakes in the morning, twirling his mustache and rubbing his hands together as he plots how to destroy black lives.

I don't think Darren Wilson or Daniel Pantaleo set out to kill Black men. I'm sure the cops who arrested my father meant well. But what good are your good intentions if they kill us?

When my friends and I discuss people we dislike, we often end our conversations with, "But he means well."

We always land here, because we want to affirm ourselves as fair, non-judgmental people who examine a person not only by what he does but also by what he intends to. After all, aren't all of us standing in the gap between who we are and who we try to be? Isn't it human to allow those we dislike—even those who harm us—a residence in this space as well?

"You know what? He means well," we say. We lean on this, and the phrase is so condescending, so cloyingly sweet, so hollow, that I'd almost rather anyone say anything else about me than how awful I am despite how good I intend to be.

I think about this during a car ride last weekend with my dad, where he tells me what happened once the cops finally realized they had arrested the wrong man. They picked him up from the curb, brushed him off.

"Sorry, buddy," an officer said, unlocking his handcuffs.

They'd made an honest mistake. He'd fit the description. Well, of course he did. The description is always the same. The police escorted my father onto the road. My father, not yet my father, drove all the way home without remembering to turn his headlights on.

Brit Bennett recently earned her M.F.A. in creative writing at the the Helen Zell Writers' Program at the University of Michigan. She is currently a Zell Postgraduate Fellow, where she is working on her first novel.

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strangerfictions · 4 years

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Coming Out To Billy Hargrove

Request: Hey! I saw requests were opened and I’ve been thinking about this since August. Idk if you write things like this, so if you dont ignore this. If you do, can you write something that states the readers as LGBTQ and billy finds out. How he reacts is up to you.

Summary: You have recently realized you are bisexual and you are afraid to tell Billy but you suddenly work up to courage to tell him.

Warnings: Mentions of homophobia, a lot of fluff and maybe angst if you squint.

Words: 630

A/N: I really loved this request from @theroyalbrownbarbie and so I hope I did it justice. I really wanted to keep it very soft and gentle because honestly when you come out to someone you love you that’s the ideal reaction really. Sorry it is so short but I thought it was better as a short rather than dragging it out! As always my requests are open!

You had been questioning your sexuality for a while. Hawkins in 84’ wasn’t the most accepting place in the world but you knew things were changing particularly with the younger generations. You knew you liked guys but you also knew you liked girls which confused you for the longest time but you had accepted it and moved on.

You had been dating Billy for a few months by the time you accepted the fact that you were bisexual. You weren’t sure how he would take things when you told him and that scared you. You knew Billy better than anyone but this was something you had never really heard him speak about. You knew he had grown up in California and so his views on things were a little different than the average Hawkins resident but still that didn’t mean he would be accepting.

You were both hanging out at your house when you decided to tell him. He was laying on your bed sifting through all your records and picking out a few to play after reading the track lists. You were sitting at your desk doing your homework when you felt the wave of motivation and determination wash over you. You knew this would be the best time to tell him.

“Billy?” Your voice shakes

“What’s wrong” Billy is instantly concerned hearing the shake in your voice.

“I don’t want you to be worried but I’ve been wanting to tell you something for awhile. It’s kind of hard for me to tell you this but I understand if you don’t want to be with me anymore” You are still facing your desk away from Billy. You can hear Billy sit up on your bed but you stay turned around.

“Baby you’re worrying me” You can feel the anxiety building as this entire process drags out.

“Billy please just shut up and listen. This is hard for me to say especially to you because I care about what you think…I’m bisexual Billy…I like guys and girls. I get if you don’t want to be with me I really do but don’t drag this out please for both of our sakes.” You hadn’t realised you had started crying but you felt the tears hit your cheeks.

You hear Billy get up off the bed with a clunk. He places his hand on your shoulder and turns you towards him. You cant even look him in the eye. You were afraid of what was about to be said or done.

“Do you seriously think I would break up with you over this?” Billy kneels down in front of you and reaches out to wipe away your tears.

“I don’t know Billy. We live in Hawkins. It isn’t the most accepting place ever and I wasn’t sure what your opinions were.” You knew now that it was stupid to consider Billy as homophobic but you got so caught up in everyone else that you had lumped him in with them.

“Baby of course I wouldn’t. You know I grew up in Cali. We are all very accepting out that way minus my dad of course. Now come here” Billy stands up pulling you with him to your bed. He lays down and pulls you into him so he is spooning you.

“Are you sure you don’t mind?” You ask holding his hand as tight as possible afraid of letting go in case he changes his mind.

“Positive baby girl! It just means I expect more threesomes” You can hear the joking tone in his voice. You laugh with him as he pulls you closer to him if that was even possible.

“No way ! I’m not sharing you with anyone!” You both laugh until the room falls silent. Eventually both of you fall asleep.

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nightmaretyrantvantas · 5 years

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So I’m finally getting around to writing out a bunch of info about my Sander Sides au so I hope youre all ready--(its like 1 am im so sorry for any spelling mistakes and missed tags)

So its 1 am on a work night and I cant sleep and I’ve had lots of ideas and canon things for this au bouncing around my head for days and now TONIGHTS THE NIGHT ITS HAPPENING IM DELIVERING YOU ALL THE DETAILS AND EVERYTHING I CAN THINK OF AND TYPE

Also please feel free to ask about this! I know I got a few new followers from all my recent sander sides art and also thanks to @sugarglider9603 reblogging some art I made of their au I got the biggest flood of exposure and attention on my art ive ever had and I have so much to thank them for, for all recent exposure ive gotten the past couple days( theyre so sweet and lovely and easy to talk to sugar deserves all the love--) and its given me a huge surge of motivation and confidence to post this. And please, my inbox is always open to talk about my aus or my art! Ask questions, send requests, send headcanons or ideas, send fluff angst im open to anything and I try to do all requests sent to me(sooner or later)

Oh oh! and please id you catch any and all the little inspirations or anything let me know

And finally this au is a LAMP au with Remile and Demus on the side

Ahem ahem anyway onto the au!!!

More under the cut so I dont flood your screen too bad!

Ok so!

This Au was originally inspired by @residentanchor‘s amazing fanfic A Lesson in Practicality and also a little bit by @prettyinaccurate‘s fanged virgil au( I’ll get more into that further down)

So it takes place in a (currently) unnamed bigger city I based off San Francisco and Sacramento( because I live in Cali and those are the two major cities ive really visited ya know?) The boys are all in various stages of their twenties when they move into a four bedroom apartment together: Patton Foster is the oldest of the roomies at 27, then Logan Masters at 26, Roman Prince at 24, and finally Virgil Collins at 22. They move in together because it all works out for them really, the apartment is in a good distance to all their current jobs, whether by bus or even in Pat’s case in walking distance and with all four of them it was well affordable and was pretty nice. I mean hey it even came with a little communal balcony ( since theyre on third floor of the building)

Things are understandably a little rocky at first , i mean isnt it always though?

Virgil has alot of anxiety and so he tends not to talk really at all at the beginning unless he ABSOLUTELY had to, mostly communicating in noncomittal noises and soft grumbles, and he was fresh out of collage and barely two years into his job and out on his own for the first time and he wasnt really ready for it either like christ too many people

Patton was bright bubbly and caring. This wasnt his first rodeo with roomies, I mean cmon, hes been sharing a room with his older brother Damian(deceit) on and off almost all his freakin life, nor was it his first time living on his own with strangers(hes lived in two different parts of two when he was job hopping before he settled down in his current part time job)

Roman was extroverted loud and exciteable, he too was used to sharing his living space( he had TWO siblings after all) and before he had moved into the apartment he had tried living on his own and with other roommates while he attended collage, but those just didnt work out well ( he ended up staying with his older brother Remy in his studio apartment across the city while he finished out that semester and searched for a job to keep an income.

Logan was serious minded stern toned and confident, he had a minor degree in teaching that he was slowly repursueing and had been out on his own for awhile before he had moved in. And though cold at first he soon found his group of housemates...enjoyable.

Its about a month into them living together that they learn exactly why despite slowly getting close and getting to know each other Virgil still kept a wide distance: He had entirely sharp teeth.

“ I dunno....I was born with them..theyve always been a sharp pain in my ass...” - virgil, about his teeth

Of course just having sharp teeth wasnt bad enough oh no. You see a few years back when he was about 18 he was young and dumb and made horrifically stupid and reckless decisions under peer pressure and ended up doing something that not only pointedly (haha oh god im not funny) chipped his front teeth but it fucked up his teeth pretty majorly, he went from having a normal overbite to almost having a goddamn underbite and crooked all his teeth, and the only way to fix it( because somehow miraculous for all the damage done it turned out to be mostly reversable aside from the chipping) was getting braces to realign his teeth. So he’s had pretty purple braces over his fangs since he was 18 and they werent expected to come off until he was AT LEAST 25 and he was insecure about them. ( he got mocked for them through his two and a half years of junior collage)

Once the gang finds out they are understanding and helpful and dont make a big deal about it( though virgil gains a significant amount of more vampire related nicknames from roman)

Once they get close and comfortable around each other the apartment is pretty warm and lively!

Virgil works at the art store as an assistant manager and head stocker( a bit of a dream come true since he was an art student)

Roman works as a part time waiter at a family resturant as well as working at a nearby theater( he was of course a lovely theater major)

Patton worked at a nearby cafe and bakery as a bit of everything! He helped wait tables, serve behind the counter, and helped in the back in the kitchen( the owners were family friends and he’d been working there almost four to five years at that point, boi knows how to do everything)

Logan worked at a big name bookstore, and also provided tutoring sessions for highschool students on the side by commision

More FACTS~~

Family ages for the big families go as follows:

Fosters: Damian(28), Patton(27)

Prince: Remy(26), Roman(24, older twin by 10 minutes), Remus(24, younger twin)

Emile is 27 and is a licensed therapist and works as a counselor for young adults that volunteers at the nearby library to ready to children

Remy works as a coffee barista in Emile’s building

Remus does alot of odd jobs, kinda working as an independent for hire and gets a surprising steady flow of work and pay. Hes still a trash man though, but hes a successful trash man( partly thanks to Damian calling in favors with connections)

Damian works at a law firm slowly moving into the position of prosecutor

Virgil doesnt really get along with his family and at some point Emile offers to take virgil in as his adopted brother, with Damian assuring him if he wanted concrete legal papers to start changing his last name, cutting ties with his family, anything needed for it he’d see to it that they’d be providing(something our boi really appreciates)

Remy visits Emile on his breaks since hes literally just...two hallways down and vice versa

Damian and Remus live together in the next, slightly smaller city over because Damian’s work transferred him to a different office in order for him to keep moving up in the ranks so to speak.

Hes also good at what he does.

Family nights happen whenever they can

Patton got to teach them how to cook alot of complicatied dishes from scratch, a bonding time he adores

Roman got Virgil an Espeon hoodie after they all start dating and virgil loves it and wears it alot around the house because its a thicker hoodie and warm( though he tries to ignore the big ears and the obnovious tail

Virgil also loves visiting Roman’s work on what Ro likes to refer to as “ hellish days” AKA kids day which means goofy kid friendly theme days. His favorite was probably alice in wonderland day when Roman was Tweedle Dee

Roman played J.D at the local theater and likes to hum some of the his songs to switch up the Disney

The balcony is covered in houseplants and and a corner of old blankets and pillows to sit and chill on

Once a month Logan and Patton have what is affectionately referred to as the Cat Discourse

After any particularly rough days at work Patton tends to massage Logan’s shoulders and back to make sure Lo doesnt get any really bad stress knots

in return when Logan sees Patton’s head a hard day he makes Patton’s favorite drink and pulls him into a hug and let the older man fall asleep in his arms while they watch movies

Pat and roman sense each other’s bad days and order in some cliche diner food and hole up in pattons room with Pattons computer and relax the shittiness away with comedy specials and movies

Likewise Virgil has a knack of picking up Roman’s bad days and always grabs a couple glasses and a bottle kinda cheap wine and they end up curling up together on Romans bed marathoning Disney movies on Virgil’s laptop

and when Virgil closes himself off more than normal Logan manages to lure him out of his room and they end up sitting out on the balcony quietly talking and stargazing

so loving and fond and soft with each other

you hurt one of them you gonna get BEAT by the others.

Speaking of getting beat, never EVER mess with Roman or Remus in Remy’s proximity

Remy Andrew Prince can and WILL fuck you right up if you hurt his little brothers. He’s protective.

and where Remy will rearrange your face Damian will ruin you mentally and legally if you so much as mistreat a single freckle on his little brother’s face, despite knowing that Patton is fully capable of taking care of himself.

Everyone protects Virgil, dont mess with or hurt virgil or you have the pack coming for ya throat

aaaaaaaaaaaaaand thats all I have for right now! Of course more will be added but now its almost three in the morning and I have work at 1:30pm and im sleepy finally! But I hope you guys like this! And please, feel free to talk to me about it, my inbox is always open!!

Taglist: @phantommoonpeople @sweetsweetemo @loganberrysanders

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worstlovesong · 4 years

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I'm sorry ppl have been rude about your stories ☹It's annoying bc tbh I've always enjoyed your stuff. I've read bad fics and yours aint it. I think your writing has always had good flow and the characters aren't one dimensional caricatures. But it's understandable if you dont have motivation for it, esp if it brings out rude commenters. Take your time, love. We'll wait until you feel like posting again or if you dont decide to ever again. That's okay too, gotta do what's best for you. 💞💕💓💓

Thank you, lovely 🥺💕 I am happy to hear you enjoy my writing and it’s always reassuring to read things like that.

I currently don’t have motivation to write, not only due to comments (or lack thereof) but also because I hurt my hand recently and typing hurts 😅. But yeah, bad comments and criticism always hit me harder than they should, I’m too anxious for it I guess. I just spend so much time and energy writing something I want people to enjoy so when I get no comments except for complaints it hits me as a defeat or disappointment yknow.

I won’t stop writing because I genuinely love it and it makes me happy, but I don’t know when my motivation for anything more than oneshots will return. I’m also very apprehensive to write angst now, even though it’s my favourite thing to write, because I get so much hate on my more angsty work. Hurt/comfort is my favourite genre to write and also the easiest for me, but most readers only want happy-ending-cliché-fluff. Nevertheless I don’t want to or plan on giving up due to some criticism, I think I just need to take a step back and remind myself why I write rather than listening to the bad reviews.

Thank you for being so supportive and taking the time to send an ask like this, it’s readers like you that keep me from giving up honestly 💜💜

#i should also give my hand time to heal lmao #typing is painful #asks #answered #anonymous

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sagittariusboyfriend · 5 years

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lmao oh man. ok ive been talking to a guy who from the start knew i wasnt interested in any romantic stuff - i told him up front, he told me he wasnt either. cool cool. so we met for a coffee and yeah im not attracted to him, but he is intellectually stimulating u know. like where you can have many hours of conversation because hes really communicative and blunt and honest and has a very different view on life than me etc. which i like about him. i learn so much from direct opposites. we become friends. well, flirty friends, but honestly he is the only one doing the flirting during this entire time. ive been very specific not to as to not send any mixed signals, and have had to dodge some straight-forward sexual stuff a few times. not at all because i dont want to talk sex, we have absolutely talked sex, but not with each other, and i just really dont want him to think im attracted.

however he turned out to be a pretty... petty and unchill person. at times, anyway. as i said i like talking to him and do so quite often, or did so anyway, up until recently. a while ago he started to get very contrarian, like, edgy? rude, but at first in a playful way. i dont have a problem with rude when its in a playful/comunicative way, im amused by that and i indulge in dishing it back playfully from time to time. but it was very obvious he was doing it because i mentioned i was into "rude" guys, maybe once, when we were talking about my former love interests. and by rude i definitely dont mean as in someone whos all high and mighty, self-entitled, or stuff like personal attacks, im talking about a kind of humor, or in a charming, charismatic and mischievous way. and maybe that is my fault for not specifying what that actually meant, idk. its still kind of strange completely rearranging your personality based on something i said once, you know? it all felt very contrived to me.

but anyway, he also started to get pissed off that i would see my friends but couldnt see him (he lives in a different city...) and about how i could afford to go drink beer with my friends and not drink tea at his place (he also doesnt drink and, again, lives in a different city) and im like... ok first, im not even that into you in comparison, i will always pick my friends over others, i prioritize my money (i am by NO MEANS wealthy omfg) the way i want and on what is proportional to what i get out of the experience. im not going to put out a lot of money on a train ticket to sit at home with you, a guy ive met in public ONCE, when i have all of my biggest friend groups in this city, here, where i live, and we enjoy drinking beer, watching soccer, going to the beach, hanging out in parks, having game nights and hosting and going to parties etc etc. heck yes im going to spend my last money on being with them. and i have told him this, and also that if i had more of a disposable income right now i would obviously be freer to do whatever. ive never been against going to his place to hang out and not having it involve any alcohol, thats all cool, but right now i just cant afford it, and i would prefer to hang out in public some more. but hes not into my scene, so what am i gonna do. and i dont think its strange to think like, i know my last bucks will get me two beers at the cheapest bar, but two beers are still not the price of a (one-way) train ticket. but he just... gets mad about it. in a very childish way. and i keep a very open an honest discussion with him, and most of the time he gets it. hes not dumb or socially awkward, i know hes not, but hes kind of... hard to deal with, i guess is the right word, when there is a personal relationship. in a not so charming way. where he can come off as uncertain, distristful(!) and a bit egocentrical. a classic "ive been hurt by hierarchy for most of my life so now im always on high alert and im going to be as obtuse and snarky as possible so i can feel like i have some sort of control and i WILL take up space and society WILL give me what i feel ive been cheated of my entire life also emotionally im a scared child and really really need validation but im never ever going to admit that". most of the time hes not, but when he started "demanding" to know why i couldnt hang out, or what my expenses were(!!) i immediately got turned off. having to motivate or explain your life and choices to a person youve met once and that you, sure, appreciate, but that you dont really know? no thanks. people not trusting me or my reasons makes me angry, because i put so much value in honesty, so i got angry at him (which is VERY not my character). and he kind of took a step back.

we havent spoken as intensely since then, maybe two weeks ago, and i honestly dont mind except for i like to write and communicate with a lot of people about a lot of stuff to keep myself occupied and he is now one less person to do that with i guess. but now he casually struck up a convo on my snapchat on a post "where i looked hot". i was like heh thanks! and he went on saying "i need to remind myself of how good-looking you are sometimes... kind of stupid actually"

so im like... uhuh... why would you need to remind yourself of that? already finding it a bit cringey

and he says "because i forget about you? xD"

aaaand im rolling my eyes trying not to gag. he is obviously looking for a reaction and im like wtf are we 15

then he fucking says, all philosophical like: "sometimes we need to be reminded why we start talking to/hitting on someone in the first place" and i was just like...... ok stop... what a fucking backhanded compliment. that actually was you telling me that i havent been paying attention to you that much and you want my attention.

god.

again, so turned off by this kind of personality. and i dont mean that only sexually, i mean... i dont think we can be friends, man. youre acting kinda gross. "we" as in, people of the earth, dont need to be reminded of that. that is not a universal truth. this is cringyness, a wounded ego on a high horse.

idk maybe he was trying to be nice or trying to say hes sorry because he was out of line earlier, but i genuinely dont think he thinks so himself, but... ugh. i am not into this. i am not into him. i have been doing my best not to string him along by the way, by being veeeery open about the fact that i sleep with different people, and not just guys, and that i like being single right now and that i have many issues to take care of and heal, so i hope he doesnt feel like ive been doing that to him for some reason.

im just very over this guy. i basically answered him that it sounded more like a backhanded compliment than anything else and that i know ive been bad at ~paying attention~ to him in that way lately, and that im aware of that because im just not interested in paying that kind of attention to anyone at all right now. lets see what his response is. i bet on either a douche guy "lmao ok i was just giving you a compliment chill" or a niceguy/neckbeard "wow youre not better than me". or perhaps hell be an adult about it. i feel like i do have some faith in him still.

but jesus christ the cringe

update: this was a while ago and i dont remember what he answered but it surprisingly wasnt any of the above. we stopped talking for a few months tho and now im in love with a gorgeous person that i recently became exclusive with. this guy is still someone i talk to now and then on snapchat. he semi-regularly drops compliments on my selfies and i guess thats just fine, but his snaps are very very bitter and sometimes i can tell he wants to get my attention. 🤷‍♂️

#what a fuckin #nice guy #right??#honestly... it hurts me to say but he kind of reminds me of a #neckbeard #not an #incel #although he can come off as bitter at the world but i know hes not delusional #im just... so done #hey!#cuestar

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poisonichors · 5 years

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⋆ ◦ ° ☾ taylor hill + cisfemale + she/her — have you seen valery ‘val’ kashnikova? they sure have been hanging out at valdez county park a lot recently. they are a twenty-one year old known as the uncertainty principle*, and they currently work for the savages as a soldier, which they’ve been doing for five months. a heterosexual taurus, they are determined + independent, as well as stubborn + two-sided. thorns on a rose, lips against a loaded barrel, the moon cradled in tufts of white. × lacey. twenty-one. she/her. est. ×

* ❝ THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE articulated, in 1927 by the German physicist Werner Heisenberg, that the position and the velocity of an object cannot both be measured exactly, at the same time, even in theory. ❞

throwz this post on2 th dash like a shit flingin monkey hENLO i’m lacey bt u may also refer 2 me as? mr steal yo girl cos i will kindly respond 2 both ty

also i am so sorry for those of you who have to read this bible if u dont wanna read the whole thing its totally ok i’d jst cover the personality n valdez sections ja feel

plots and stats pages will be coming soon but until then!! click that heart button and i’ll hurl myself full force into those DMs whether you like it or not

ANYWAYS HERE’S VAL!! MY BADDEST BABE OF EM ALL

so, the breakdown.

VAL KASHNIKOVA

Valery is the poster girl of a family based off money and status. Her father who fronts as an owner of establishments on Wall Street also operates as the undercover head of a Russian mafia syndicate. Her mother is an ex-model, now focusing on the social aspect of the family.

Her mother consistently pushes her to play the role of the socialite’s perfect daughter, and prospective wife. Shoulders back, chin up, tummy in. Smile, Valery. No one wants to marry a scowling woman.

According to her mother, Valery’s sole purpose was to marry into another family of money. Valery was taught to walk, talk, and breathe etiquette growing up. The wife of a rich man must not be outspoken, opinionated, or insubordinate. She must always do as told, and with a smile on her face.

Being an only child, Valery finds it increasingly difficult to do anything but what she is asked of her parents. Choices were always made for Val before she could open her mouth; which remains the prime reason as to why she has such a tough time deciding things for herself, no matter how small.

She always feels the need to appease her parents, now that she’s all they have left. After Mikhail passed away, that is.

MIKHAIL KASHNIKOV

Mikhail was Val’s older brother of four years. He was the favorite, seeing that he excelled in everything he did. Valery was inevitably compared to her brother, growing up. Being neglected didn’t bother her as much as seeing Mikhail take on all the responsibility of carrying on the Kashnikov name.

One sibling had to deal with all the pressure while the other child was merely pushed away. An unlikely bond was shared between the two of them, despite being in polar opposite positions. Mikhail gave Valery the affection she was denied from their parents while Val was Mikhail’s escape from the world of law and politics. This shaped a very close bond.

Mikhail was a good influence on Valery to say the least. Though she’s independent in nature, Mikhail was always there to guide her through agonizing public events, seemingly impossible assignments, or give her advice through trying times. Valery could easily say that her brother raised her more than her parents ever did.

Most would say that Mikhail was incredibly protective of Valery, but only few truly knew that she was just as protective of him. In the midst of superficial families and business deals beyond them, Mikhail would always find them ways to run up to the roof and act their age like they very much deserved. It was only during times like these which made Valery’s childhood actually feel like childhood.

IN LOVING MEMORY

On his way home from a friend’s party, Mikhail’s Bentley was severely hit by an oncoming car. Word returned that a member of their rival mob deliberately drove into her brother’s vehicle.

Mikhail was rushed to the hospital and tended to by the best doctors in the country, but it was to no avail.

Mikhail Kashnikov, 22, was pronounced dead on August 29th, 2015.

After learning what had happened to her brother, Valery, age 18, stepped in and was immediately taken under her father’s wing to train and avenge his death. She slowly turned into a fighting machine driven purely by hatred and an insatiable need for vengeance.

SEPTEMBER 2015 - AUGUST 2018

She trained heavily with weapons, only needing two year’s time to become a skilled marksman and know her way around guns and knives (which are her specialty). She’s basically good at anything that requires a target. Hand-to-hand combat could use some work, but Val is never one to leave home without a weapon of self-defense on her person.

Valery operated more as a decoy when she first began, simply gaining trust and seducing information from rivals. As her confidence with firearms and blades grew, she gradually began to carry out more gruesome tasks, thus leveling up in her field. Jobs always were a little easier for Val than the other men. Besides, who would've thought a pretty girl knew how to use a gun?

TRIPLE-THREAT

The only part of growing up that Valery didn’t mind was learning music ━ let it be singing, dancing, or playing an instrument.

Dancing operated more as a front for combat and other agile ways. However, it slowly blossomed into a passion she shares heavily with singing and playing the piano.

Mikhail would play the piano while Valery sang along, they almost found comfort in such a cheesy activity. To this day, everything Valery knows on the piano is because of him. She sometimes likes to take private trips to it; she finds an odd comfort in the belief that when she plays the piano and sings, he can still hear her.

VALDEZ

Valery ’s family has shared an amicable bond with the Savages for years. Upon news of the outbreak in Valdez, the twenty-one year old was sent to serve the Caitos as a symbol of Kashnikov support. This isn’t out of the ordinary, seeing that Val’s training included working under other alliances to gain combat experience and further networking.

Val’s current rank is a Soldier in the Savages. She’s only been there for five months, so she’s diligently working on gaining trust through carrying out tasks and slowly making her way up the ladder.

The Kashnikova’s only condition is that she is allowed to conceal her visage when operating. She’s not open to showing her face around Savage halls and prefers to seek cover as a civilian when out in public. She prefers that very limited people know of her identity as a Soldier (maybe if you’d like to snatch up a plot about that?), which proves the importance of her saving face when not on the job.

PERSONALITY (HER FRONT)

Valery, finally away from home and family for the first time, is beginning to find herself. She’s naive and wide-eyed, seeing that she was always under direct authority and her choices were always made for her. A small fish in a big pond, if you will.

Despite not having many prior experiences, the brunette is very playful and open to new things. This makes her quite impressionable, seeing that she always chooses to see the best in people and has a hard time telling when someone doesn’t have her best interest in mind. Nonetheless, all she wants is to have fun! Bringing a smile to her company’s face is of utmost importance to her.

You can find her hanging out in Valdez County Park during the day. She can be seen either feeding the animals, teaching yoga, or trying her hand at some new instruments.

THE UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE

so the reason i gave her this label was because while she has two personalities, it’s impossible to pinpoint who she really is or at what point she’s transitioning from one mentality to the next. I decided it was a good play on the chem theory insert collective groan here, seeing that there’s no telling if she’s just being nice or has an ulterior motive. while it’s stated above that its a “front”, it’s more so her just trying to go back to being her normal self before her life in the mafia and crime syndicates. this causes a constant teetering back and forth between how she identifies herself in varying scenarios.

PERSONALITY (ON THE JOB)

Valery can be cold and calculated if need be, just how she was back home. Her work comes first and foremost to anything else. Fooling around isn’t in her nature when it comes to tasks at hand.

Her forté includes destruction of property, extraction of information, seizure, arson, armed combat, and termination.

uhhHh still figuring her out

omg figuring almost was fingering i cried a little bye

#outlaw.intro #finger guns my way off the dash to set up som pages wAho #gang tw #death tw #gun tw #knife tw

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five-hour-anxiety · 6 years

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depresssion vlog 😥😴👎💭🏳️ | The Theory Of Real Activity | thursday vlogs

Taglist: @zerogettie @spacevirgil@tree4life25@thebiggestnaturaldisaster @pailettehazel@jordandobbertin@thecityofthefireflies @the-fabulous-kimball@azuranightsong@virmillion @erlenmeyertrash @irish-newzealand-idian-dutch @the-sanders-sides @punch-you-with-friendship@captaincantatrice@clovenpinetree @jughead-is-canonically-aroace@aplaceinthevoid@that-random-fandom-girl @zennyo

Word Count: 4431

Warnings: depression and talks of anxiety

Pairings: platonic prinxiety, platonic logicality, platonic analogical

Summary: Virgil is in the middle of a spiral and the back to back bad days are making it hard to function. He texts a few friends for help, and this is the result.

Designated Nerd: Virgil, it has been some time since I’ve heard from you. Are you feeling well?

Me: i mean, am i ever fine

Designated Nerd: Well that is indeed worrying. Is there anything I can do for you, or would you rather I contact our more… emotional friends? Do you need me to come visit?

Me: no, i dont want anyone over right now. this is gonna sound so stupid but,,, could u tell me what u do when ur upset

Designated Nerd: If it helps, of course. I tend to listen to stimulating music and take hot showers. Please try to brush your teeth sometime soon as well, as hygiene is something that we all tend to be lax with in these states.

Me: i should have expected advice like that

Designated Nerd: Is it not useful? I apologize.

Me: o no, its good. thx lo

Designated Nerd: Anytime Virgil. Do not hesitate to contact me if you need anything else.

***

Sir-Sing-A-Lot: hey panic at the everywhere, u still breathing

Me: wow didnt kno u cared that much

Sir-Sing-A-Lot: of course i care u ass how u doing

Me: i mean im not dead. thats a fucking victory dude can i get a hell yeah

Sir-Sing-A-Lot: hell fucking yeah bro im proud of u

Me: hey while ur here,,,, how do u deal with ur bad days.

Sir-Sing-A-Lot: poorly

Me: damn dude

Sir-Sing-A-Lot: yeah well thats life but i also light candles and fucking moisturize. unlike u u heathen

Me: thanks u fucking prick

Sir-Sing-A-Lot: hate u too u asshole c u this weekend~

***

Pat-Dad: hey kiddo!! haven’t heard a peep outta you lately, just wanna make sure you’re still okay!!

Me: im not okay, actually. but im glad u texted bc i have a q for u

Pat-Dad: anything for you kiddo, tell me how i can help!! :)

Me: wat do u do on bad days. like, how do u deal with the shitty emotions

Pat-Dad: language kiddo.

Me: hellcrab.png

Pat-Dad: i dont have the profanity manatee on me so just pretend i sent that. anyway! i like to watch a bunch of funny shows and sit around in my favorite clothes! gotta feel good somehow!! and like, a lot of pillows are involved.

Me: is this permission to turn my living room into a pillow fort

Pat-Dad: absolutely!!! but make sure you eat something today kiddo,,, making food is gonna be better than takeout btw. Feels good to have made something, trick the brian into enjoying the food more.

Me: brian

Pat-Dad: *brain, oh hush up

Me: thanks 4 the help. <3 u

Pat-Dad: anytime kiddo!!!! :) <3 love you more!!!!!

***

“Welcome back to the Theory of Real Activity -- today’s vlog: not what you all signed up for.” Virgil sighed, running a hand through his hair. “As I’m sure a lot of you have noticed, or at least the twitter crew has, I haven’t been as active on the channel lately. And I’m sorry about that, but I think I’m ready to talk about why now.

“As many of you know, I have depression and anxiety. No way around it, there’s the truth. Often, these diseases prevent me from functioning like a healthy person would. That’s what’s been happening to me for the last few months. I’ve had a hard time getting up and dragging myself anywhere, much less making new content for all of you. Talking to friends via text is really hard too, so Twitter is something I can’t deal with either.

“And I know a lot of you out there are the same way -- heck, when I do use Twitter and the likes, I see messages like that all the time. And I’m happy I’m able to help you all through those days when I can. But I can’t always be around to make stuff like that, so today I’m gonna talk you guys through helping yourselves when the days get bad and the voices get loud, okay?

“But don’t let the start of this video fool you -- this isn’t a ‘oh we’re all gonna be okay if we just believe!’ kinda thing. Because there’s a lot of those. Don’t get me wrong, those are all wonderful messages and I really appreciate them, but I don’t think we need another one right now. What’s the point in trying to be motivated when the energy just isn’t there? I don’t know about any of you, but I almost feel worse when I watch those because I know whoever is on the other side of the screen wants me to work for happiness and I just… can’t. I can’t do it when I’m that low. So, no, this is not one of those videos.

“This is something completely different, I really hope it clicks with a few of you.”

The camera switches out of selfie mode to reveal a table full of shopping bags. Virgil laughs off-screen and there’s the sound of papers shuffling.

“Ladies, Gents, and everyone beyond the binary welcome to ‘How to Kinda Cope with Shit Brains’, starring yours truly. Let’s begin, shall we?”

***

“Logan, you didn’t tell me you were uploading a video today! What’s this one about?” Patton squealed, clicking on the notification. Logan peered over his shoulder, trying to make out the display behind layers of smudges and a few cracks.

“I- I did not upload a video today as Thursdays are typically reserved for anything Virgil wishes to post. That’s why there have not been any midweek videos recently.” Logan pulled out his own phone, giving up on Patton’s, and quickly unlocked the screen. “There is no one else with access to the account, so who- oh never mind. That is clearly something of Virgil’s creation.”

“My goodness, he sure loves emojis, huh?” Patton giggled, reaching into his pockets. Logan groaned something like ‘you have no idea’ and pulled out a screen cloth for Patton. The younger man took it and quickly cleaned off his screen before pulling out his earbuds

“Do you wanna watch it together?” He asked, dangling them in front of Logan. Logan stared at him, grimacing.

“Do you know how unsanitary sharing earphones is, Patton? I have a split connector in my bag, allow me to retrieve it and we shall view it together.”

***

“So, I have compiled a list of things my friends do when they’re having bad days, as well as a few activities of my own, and we’re gonna test them. I’ll take note of how I feel before I start, do the activities, and then I’ll rate them by how I feel afterward. And if that sounds complicated, it is! Kinda. Logan says it’s the proper way to test things, by having a starting point and an end point, so go ask him? I don’t know, he’s always talking about control groups and I don’t know about any of you but I don’t want to make myself have bad days back to back just so I can test a bunch of things ‘fairly’.

“Anyway, first up: Roman’s list. He- he actually didn’t have much to say, just “moisturize bitch’ so I just pulled ideas from what he normally does on off-days. Sorry, Ro, but you brought this upon yourself.”

Virgil reaches into the bag marked “Bed, Bath, and Beyond” and fishes out a bottle of something pink, as well as a purple container of lotion and a green candle.

“I know for a fact Roman prefers grapefruit face wash, so that’s what we got here,” he shakes the pink bottle, “so we can gift this to him when we’re done here. And we have a bottle of lavender-scented lotion to go with it. I read somewhere that lavender helps with anxiety or something, but like,” he points at the camera, “it just smells good, and I am not ashamed to admit to that. Don’t read too much into this.

“I also bought a scented candle, because that’s the only other thing Roman offered advice-wise. I fact-checked this one, and apparently good scents are supposed to help you think more clearly? Or something. I don’t know, I read the article at four in the morning, there’s not much I can really remember about it. Four am Virgil is really bad at retaining information.”

The camera jostles as Virgil picks it up and walks into his bathroom. “Uh, just for like, the starting point? The best way to describe this type of anxiety is the buzzing and tensing of your muscles and the tightness in your chest. There’s nothing I want more than to dive under my bed sheets and sleep until tomorrow and try again later.

“But I’m going to do this, so wish me luck.” He mutters, turning the tap on and grabbing a washcloth. The screen cuts away to black as an upbeat nineties song plays, and the text on the screen reads ‘Roman’s results’.

“So,” Virgil starts, his face covered in white foam, “this stuff kinda burns? Roman, what the hell is wrong with you, you like this stuff? Ugh. Also, just so everyone knows, the smell of artificial grapefruit and lavender do not mix. Like separate, they are really good smells but just… don’t mix them together. It’s a really bad idea. We may have to do my list next so I can let the house air out for a while. As it is, I didn’t even try to light the candle, we do not need to add spearmint to this stink bomb.

“Beyond that? The face wash is definitely waking me up. I feel a little more ‘oh hey, I’m a person’ that I did before so, yeah. This wasn’t a total bust. And my skin is soft! I understand the appeal of moisturizing now! Roman, how dare you keep this a secret from me?” Virgil laughs, rubbing his hands together. “Holy shit I feel like a million bucks. I am keeping the lotion, you can take this demon face scrub.” Virgil reaches off screen and picks up the pink bottle, scanning the back panel of text.

“So overall, I’d say Roman’s tactics work. You just gotta like, make sure you get complimentary smells so you don’t stink yourself out of your house,” He says, still reading the bottle, “And you should definitely read the instructions on the bottles because this,” He holds up the pink bottle, “says to wash off after a few minutes, and it’s been ten. I’m gonna go get this off my face now.”

***

“Babe, you seriously didn’t read the instructions?” Roman howled, throwing his head back into the couch. He could hear Virgil scoff from the kitchen.

“Excuse me, but I thought it was like one of those face masks you leave on for half an hour! How was I supposed to know!” He asked, walking back into the room and plopping down beside Roman. “They look the same when you put them on, and you have a few long-lasting ones that smell like grapefruit! I had no way of knowing!”

“You could’ve called, man. I would have helped you!” Roman lifted his arm, inviting Virgil to crawl under it. He took it and wrapped his arms around the taller man’s chest. “You bought face scrub, which is definitely not the same thing. Both are good though! Just, not that same.”

“Yeah, well, I know that now,” Virgil muttered, burying his head in Roman’s hoodie.

“We can do actual face masks after this if you want.” Roman offered, picking his phone back up. “Your pores could really benefit from one.”

“You’re a dick. Turn that thing off.”

“Love you too, bastard, but there’s no way in hell I’m turning this off.”

***

The camera cuts again, and this time Virgil is in his bedroom. The window is open, and the sound of passing cars is almost inaudible but still present. His peach walls are bathed in a warm glow of the setting sun, a light breeze pushing his bangs up every so often.

“Okay so, next up is Patton’s list. As per my own ‘rules’, I’m feeling mentally exhausted and ready to check the fuck out right now. But despite this, I’m actually… really excited for this one? It involves food, there’s no way this can go poorly.”

The video cuts to footage of Virgil screaming as food on the stove erupts into flame. The 1812 Overture is playing the background. Whatever was in the pan is no longer food, as the burnt sustenance is bubbling in an ominous manner. The oven mitt is no longer on Virgil’s hand and is instead in a smoky heap on the kitchen counter.

“No way this can go poorly” Virgil’s voice echoes as he runs off camera screaming. He returns with a fire extinguisher, the lens becoming jammed with foam just before the video cuts back to Virgil in his room eating Chinese takeout.

“Okay so. It turns out it can go poorly. Patton said that making sure you eat, like, actual food and not six servings of chocolate cake with a glass of cherry coke on the side is supposed to help with the depression thing but like. It definitely didn’t help with the anxiety. Something about the food you worked to make tasting better?

“So, I cheated and ordered take out. But hey! This stuff has got a bunch of veggies in it, so I think I won this round. Moving on,” Virgil puts the food down and leans down to grab something off the floor, “Patton also recommended watching some shows that I know I enjoy, so let’s do that next.” Virgil puts on the purple headphones he had grabbed and pulled his laptop onto his lap. He clicks off the light on his desk and plunges the room into darkness with only his computer light illuminating his face.

“We’re watching the entirety of the Brooklyn Nine-Nine Halloween episodes, so be prepared for a highlight reel of that while I stuff my face with rice.” He twirls his finger around in a ‘roll film’ motion and kicks his feet up on the desk.

The camera cuts to a black screen once more, the same upbeat music playing in the background. The text now read’s “Patton’s results”.

The next few minutes is a series of clips strung together, many of them consisting of Virgil mouthing the lines along with the characters, and screeching with laughter. The last one shows him crying into his takeout, mumbling about how much he loves the relationship between Jake and Amy. He had taken his feet down from the desk at some point, now curled into his chair and bundled in his hoodie almost entirely.

The video cuts away to a slightly more composed Virgil, who is now cuddling a pillow and scraping the bottom of the takeout box. His eye makeup had run down his face over the last few hours and he looked unnaturally pale in the weird lighting.

“Yeah that uh,” He coughs awkwardly, “that worked. Ten out of three Patton, way to go. Got my brain to shut up for like, I don’t know, two hours?” He takes a deep breath and puts the takeout container on the desk. “It’s late, I think I’m gonna just do Logan’s and I’s lists tomorrow.”

***

“Should I be concerned that he set the kitchen on fire and didn’t call anyone?” Patton whispered, pausing the video. “Why didn’t he call anyone? Did he get burned?”

“I do not think you speeding to his house would have done any good, Patton, as he got the fire out by himself. That being said,” Logan pinched the bridge of his nose, “he is not allowed to cook for game night. Ever. What was he even trying to make?”

“He can join me in the kitchen ban, then. The store-bought cookie club just gained a new member.”

“God help us if you ever cook together. I’d have to take out a loan for a new apartment. I already cannot pay my student loans, I fear the possibility of adding to my life debt.” Logan shuddered, reaching over to unpause the video.

***

“Okay, good morning internet. It’s buttcrack early outside, I don’t even think the sun is up yet? That’s good, actually, and I’ll get to why later.

“So, all that’s left is Logan and I’s lists, and to be honest? Logan may have already won the whole thing, looking at this on paper. He actually cares about like, not dying by germs or some shit.,I can guarantee his list will be practical. I gotta go set some stuff up for my list, so hang tight.” The screen cuts to a slightly more awake Virgil.

He grins and gives a tiny wave before tapping the screen to switch the camera and show a hammock.

“So, I’m next. I’m also gonna save Logan’s advice for the end of the video so you guys watch this whole thing. Give people an incentive for sticking around. Because I can see the stats on this, I know half of you like, exit the video halfway through. Stay for the whole thing, dammit, I need the ad money.” He laughs, gently putting the camera down. The screen shows a new sunrise, one full of soft purples and oranges. Above the sun and its halo are a few stars that have yet to go out for the day, barely visible behind the hazy clouds. Virgil picks the camera back up, the footage shaky.

The camera stills to a shot of Virgil’s legs, the hammock swaying gently in the breeze. A few frogs can be heard singing in the background and Virgil hums a few notes. His voice is low as he speaks, still rough from sleep.

“Again, to follow my own rules: I feel so awful I don’t even want to talk about it, guys. Sorry.” Virgil is quiet for a while longer, the occasional whispered lyric picked up by the microphone. Eventually, he speaks once more, a lighter tone to his voice.

“Sure, this looks peaceful, but if you could all hear what kind of music I’m listening to right now, you’d be calling my therapist. Hey, Paul, I apologize my bro, but wow are you not gonna like me the next time I’m in.

“So yeah, my list is just ‘get sun and get songs’. You Gucci fam, just stay out here until you either feel good or get cold. Probably gonna be the last one but, hey, you tried. Gold star. Bring a blanket if you wanna aim for the best possible outcome.”

The camera cuts again, this time looking down from what is assumed to be a porch. The sky is dark once more, and the only source of light is a small candle.

“Huh. What do you know, the candle works after all. Spearmint -- the poor man’s anti-anxiety. You know, I actually looked that up. Spearmint is supposed to be a good stress reliever and some kind of mood booster. The more you know, huh?”

***

“Virgil, what the hell does that mean?” Roman chuckled, rubbing Virgil’s arm.

“It means that when I’m panicking at work I just pop in a breath mint and BAM I am suddenly closer to reality than I was ten seconds ago.”

“Do I wanna know how you discovered that?”

“I had a hangry panic attack in high school and the only thing I had to eat in my bag were breath mints I was meaning to gift to you.”

“Oh, that’s pretty- hey.”

“You could still use some, man. Keep your nasty breath away from me.”

Roman just hummed, looking at Virgil from the corner of his eyes. He smiled softly, his eyes sad and concerned. Pulling him closer, he unpaused the video and listened as he continued to hold his friend.

***

“And last but certainly not least, is the list of the late, great Logan. He’s not dead. He’s just always late to dinner dates. Like a pretentious nerd, his excuses are ‘oh, I was studying’, ‘oh, I had an exam’, or ‘Patton set the kitchen on fire again, call 911’. What an ass.

“Anyway. This list, which doesn’t have a cool name because Logan is against emojis and stuff, just has like, five items on it. In order that is: brush your teeth, put on some clean clothes, wash your hair, put on some socks, and the last one is a surprise. Because it really took me off guard and I need you all to be as surprised as I was.

“And right now, I just feel apathetic. In case someone gets upset that I didn’t mention I felt going into this, I just feel apathetic.”

The video cuts away to Virgil’s bathroom once more, and the leftover mess from the other day can be seen in the sink.

“Uh. Just, just ignore that mess. You know what it’s from, I don’t feel bad about that. Anyway, teeth brushing. Let me just find the toothpaste…

“You know, I can’t remember if I bought toothpaste at the store. Of all the crap I bought, don’t think toothpaste made it into the bin. So, let’s just see if I still have any of the travel samples from the dentist.”

Virgil riffles through his cabinets, pulling out items such as combs, hair dye, bleach, and a bottle of pills. He hums for a second, before crouching down to look under the sink.

“I feel like, and I could be the only one who experiences this, I feel like anything that gets put under the sink will never see the light of day. So maybe I won’t be brushing my teeth today- wait. Wait! Oh gosh, thank you Jesus- there’s a- there is a bottle in the back there, but I can’t reach it. Outta my way, makeup kit, I got teeth to be cleaned!”

Virgil pops back into view, holding up a half used mini bottle of toothpaste. It’s the kid’s kind, that tastes like berries and bubblegum. He uncaps it and starts to squeeze it out onto his toothbrush buts stops short.

“Why the hell are there sparkles in this thing? That- isn’t that a, like, choking hazard or some shit? Okay, sorry Logan, teeth brushing is not happening in this video. I think you’d agree with me on this. When you get to this point in the video, feel free to add toothpaste to our shopping list.”

***

“Jokes on you, Virgil, I added it yesterday when I spent the night and had to use that monstrosity.”

“I use that stuff all the time, Logan, there’s nothing wrong with it! Look at me, I’m perfectly fine!”

“That’s… that’s a, uh, great point Patton. Explains a lot.”

***

“Okay, so next on the list was clean clothes. I’m doing that off camera, you nasties, so hang tight for a word from our sponsors.”

The screen is black, with white text reading “crofters plz sponsor us logan is desperate.”

Virgil reappears, in the same hoodie and shirt. He smirks, pointing at a pile of clothes on the floor.

“Ha, I own two of these hoodies and three of these shirts. I am a cartoon character, y’all will never see me in a different outfit. You can dream, but my job is to crush those dreams.” He makes a fist as he says this, laughing through his teeth as he tries to appear tough.

The camera cuts again, this time showing Virgil singing into a hairbrush while a towel is wrapped around his head. The scene doesn’t last long, as we are once again taken back to Virgil’s bedroom where he is set up with a laptop. This time he’s on his bed and the curtains are drawn.

“It said to wash your hair, and you can’t wash hair without serenading the monsters living behind the shower curtains we all feared when we were little. Just because we aren’t afraid of them doesn’t mean they aren’t real!

“Anyway, this is the last part of Logan’s list. It’s actually really sweet? Like, I am a grown ass man, and I am not ashamed to say I sobbed over this.” He continues, voice starting to tremor.

Virgil spins his laptop around to show a YouTube video that’s about half an hour long. The title reads, ‘the best of Bert and Ernie from Sesame Street’. Virgil sniffs real fast, raking a fist over his eyes.

“He uh, he knew these guys were my heroes growing up. And he knew it would cheer me up. Guess w-hat man,” Virgil sniffs again, “It- it worked like a fu-fucking charm. I uh, I’m actually feeling things after going through your list, so like. Nice work, I guess, I owe you dinner. Like, dinner at a restaurant, not a cooking dinner because I don’t want to poison you.

“Ahem. Anyway. That’s the best thing in this whole video, you win Logan. And that about wraps up the Thursday vlog. Thanks for listening everyone, here’s the obligatory ‘we’re gonna be okay’ message, because as corny as that is -- it’s true. Find yourself a Bert to go with your Ernie and it’ll be okay. Maybe throw in an Elmo or a Zoey if you wanna round out the group. And my metaphor is getting too complicated, so! Virgil out! See you this weekend for the next Theory of Real Activity -- Logan and I are joined by Patton this time and we get into wild shit this week, let me tell you.”

***

“Well, what are we still waiting around here for?” Patton asked, turning his phone off. He disconnected the earbuds, stuffing his haphazardly into his front pocket. Logan winced at the sight, and quickly but carefully wound his up into their case.

“I’ll text Virgil to make sure he knows to expect us. Patton, if you could text Roman?” Logan asks, standing up and smoothing out his shirt. Patton nods, already poking away at his phone.

Me: Greetings, Virgil. Patton and I are on our way over to your house if that is okay?

Virgil Jackson: cant tell you no, you practically live here

Me: Yes, well, that is true. Is there anything I should bring with us?

Virgil Jackson: would it be lame to say a hug

Me: Not at all. If there is anything this group is good for, it’s hugging and crying. The occasional yelling, but that could go either way.

Virgil Jackson: whatever nerd, get over here already

#sanders sides fic #virgil sanders #logan sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #thomas sanders #prinxiety #logicality #analogical #ali writes #its another vlog fic sue me #i wanted to you all can fight me later #the theory of real activity

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eatplantswanderoften · 6 years

Text

Routine

Well...it’s been another hot minute, at for that I apologize. The past few weeks have been crazy hectic for me, and I’m still not sure my body knows what time zone its in. Throughout all of that craziness, there was alot of change. Anyone who knows me knows I live for my daily routine. And hell, has it ever been sidetracked recently. So lets start from the beginning shall we...(if I can even remember where that is). Going to be honest here, this is going to get personal. Any men reading this that do not want to hear about women’s bodily functions, abort the mission now.

First big event was I finally found a doctor, and realized my thyroid medication was way too high for my current size. Dropping the medication was tough in my mind. Even though scientifically I know how it works, for some reason all I could think was “fuck, my metabolism is going to slow down. I need to start dieting again or I’m going to turn into a whale”. When I really should be thinking about all the good it will do, not having it wear away my bones, causing brain fog, etc. But, I did it, on the newer, lower dose of medication and feeling good about it.

In doing this, I also started letting myself eat a bit more fats. FATS? They don’t actually make oyu fat apparently. They keep me full, they clear the brain fog, not to mention they taste hella good. Andyou know what happened when I stated increasing fatsin my diet? I GOT MY DAMN PERIOD BACK! Its not regular, its not normal, but its fucking happening. This is huge. It means my body may, be it very slowly, actually be starting to rebound from all the shit I have put it though. In the back of my mind I still had this voice saying “if you got your period back, it means you gained weight. Best put a stop to that asap before you grow a huge gut”. But as time goes on, and as days pass and I feel better and stronger, its getting far easier to drown out that voice. Over the past few weeks people have been telling me how healthy and happy I look. My face has more color, I have more energy, I’m even lifting more weight at the gym. Its these points right here that make the recovery easier, no matter how much that little devil inside me is screaming.

Then there was the travel. First came Morocco. The most exotic, beautiful, and hectic place I have ever beheld. I was worried going there. What will I eat? There is SO much bread. OMG I’m going to balloon. But then I thought, I am NOT going to let this ruin my experience. So you know what? I didn’t. I went there and savored every delicious morcel. The bread, the oils, the dates,the nuts (see below for some delicious photos). Sure I had the little voice screaming inside me (and honestly, I know that will take years to fade, if ever), but its slowly making its way to a dull roar. And you know what? I couldn’t be happier with this. I finally allowed myself to live and damn, I ain’t ever looking back.

Houston came after this. Not so exotic, not so exiting, but still outside of my normal routine and way outside my comfort zone in terms of eating. While there it wasn’t soo bad. Got to taste some delicious vegan goodies we dont get in Canada, and some fabulous vegan options at the conference and local resturants. But then there was the travel back. Delay after delay, stuck in airports, completely and utterly exhausted. I had some tasty snacks with me, all of which were nuts, chocolate, things I would notlet myselfhave too much of. So in the airport, after hour 3 of my flight beeing delayed, I broke downand got a burrito. Logically, I know its just veggies, a wrap, and some guac. Healthy, fulling and delicious. But I did the badthing and looked up the nutrition. ~750 calories...in one sitting. This basically sent me on adownward spiral from here on out. That voice started screaming, louder and louder as the day went on. It took me until the next day, after a few hours of much needed sleep, to finally realize that this was totally ok. This is a normal lunch meal for most people. Sure I may not be comfotable eating like this quite yet, but it was not gluttonous, not binging, just simply a meal.

Throughout all of this travel not getting to go to the gym was hitting me hard. No morning gym, no evening yoga. So I made sure I went for long walks each day to ensureI was keeping active. But I didn’t force myself to workout, which, in and of itself, was a huge step for me. Not only have I been restricting food all this time, but I have likely been overexercising too. Working out every morning, doing yoga every evening, and never really giving my body time to recover. So this trip, even though somedays I walked 30+ km, I didn’t lift a single weight...and it didn’t kill me. Let me realized that maybe my body does need rest afterall.

So there you have it. The last month in a nutshell. I am finally getting back to my regularily scheduled programming. I’m sorry if this post was a complete clusterfuck of thoughts and stories, but hey, that word describes meperfectly right now. Bottom line is that voice, that little devil inside me is slowly starting to quiet down. I’m allowing myself, trusting myself, to eat what my body needs, not what I think will be the lowest calorie option for it. I feel SO much better for it, and its motivating me to keep it up. So now that I’ve got all of that out, here are some photos of amazing vegan Moroccan food!

Juice was everywhere here. Fresh pressed and DAMN delicious. AND I let me self drink it. LOTS of it.

Moroccan Tapas: Marinated beets, carrots, beans, and zuchinni, zallouk, olives, potato, moroccan salad and bread. Fresh OJ for dipping! From Clock Cafe in Marrakech.

Vegan apple deliciousness from Earth Cafe in Marrakech.

The most amazing mixtures of Moroccan salads known to man.

Vegetable Couscous. This was truly enough food to feed a small village.

Fresh oranges with cinnamon. Simple and delicious.

Roasted veggie meal from Rick’s Cafe in Casablanca.

My Daily breakfast, which I continue to have now that I am home. Nuts, dates, fruit, olives, hummus and BREAD.

Traditional Harrira and zallouk from the most adorable little resturant in the medina in Rabat.

Vegan deliciousness from Earth Cafe in Marrakech.

What I like to call the best damn sandwhich known to man. Found this in the Medina in Rabat. Fresh bread stuffed with fried eggplant and potato, moroccansalad, roasted peppers, Moroccan salad (cucumber, tomato and onion) and harissa <3<3

#vegan #veganfood #eatingdisorderrecovery

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stilinski-jpeg · 7 years

Text

The Preacher’s Daughter: Part 2

Author: @stilinski-jpeg

A/N: I’m sorry this took so long to post, there was a second there that I wasn't sure if I was going to go forward with this series, but I am and here’s part two. I really own @minhosmeanhoe for keeping my motivated and pushing me, she’s my soulmate and I love her. I was going to wait for her to post this, but I know you all have been hungry for some Mitch so I’ll post mine now and Camile will post hers later. Also, the rest of the series is going to be in the readers POV.

Warnings: Cursing, Smut (NSFW 18+).

Word count: 6,085

Parts: 1

I was warm when I woke up, my phone buzzing violently at me from somewhere unknown. I hadn’t remembered falling asleep, the after effects of the alcohol from the night making my brain fuzzy. I cracked my eyes open a sliver, only to see a white wall in front of me. ‘Where am I?’ I thought as I tried to get my eyes to open further. The morning seeped into the room through the windows, trying desperately to wake me up. My phone buzzed again, but I still couldn’t tell where the noise was coming from. ‘Where am I?’ I said again in my head, trying to remind myself of any memory from last night. A groan sounded next me, followed by an arm enclosing around my waist and pulling me in towards a warm body, was what finally woke me. I felt a layer of stubble, scrape across the upper part of my back as the stranger nestled into me. I became increasingly aware of my naked body as I willed my mind to bring back something of the previous night.

My phone buzzed again and I lifted my head to see where it was coming from. Looking around, I could tell I was in a hotel room. Although nice, the room was small with a dresser topped with a TV down by the foot of the bed. There was a table and chairs in the corner of the room, big enough for two people to sit at comfortably. Near the front door was another door that I could only assume lead to the bathroom. The entire place was scattered with clothing, bringing back subtle memories of the guy's hotel room I’d stumbled into last night.

I wiggled out of his grip before sliding to the edge of the bed and sitting up. I rubbed my temples as I finally regained some more recollection of the night before. His face flashed across my mind and I smiled. He was tall, lean, and a bit brooding and I remembered him arguing otherwise. His smile was beautiful, although I could tell he didn't use it often. He watched as Camile and I danced, his eyes beautiful even from a distance. I wasn’t a stranger to men staring at me, it's what I lived for, but he was different.

When she suggested we go get another drink, I didn’t fight Camile. She knew the bartender very well, so well he would serve us drinks even though he knew we were underaged. Our fake ID’s also helped with that. He liked to call us the troublesome twosome, because we were always doing something we shouldn't be. Like drinking at bars and catching the eyes of men without any regard to the fact that they were thinking dirty things about us. That was the whole point though wasn’t it? The danger of it all? I wasn’t always so chaotic, not up until recently.

The thing is, I grew up painfully religious. My mother and father met at a church that my dad was a deacon at. They fell in love, got married, and soon after my father became the Pastor of the very same church they met in. Not too long after, my mother had me in the same church. It wasn’t purposeful, I don't think, she just happened to go into labour and couldn't make it to the hospital in time. So there I was born at the altar of the Lord. Ever since then, my parents drilled religion into me. Constantly telling me about how it was by God’s grace that I was born at the altar and I was destined to be a servant to the Lord. Don’t get me wrong, I was honored they thought so highly of me. I was a good kid, anytime the church was open I was there, I sang in the choir, helped out in the nursery. But the more my dad preached about the sins of the world and how unholy they were, the more I was intrigued by them.

When I was sixteen, I talked Camile into going to a party that some college boy had invited us too. I’d met him at the mall and lied to him when he asked me how old I was. Camile was my conscience, telling me how much trouble we’d both be in if we were caught. I could only agree with her, but I kept thinking about all the things I’d miss out on if I didn’t go to this party. So the night of, we told my parents goodnight and went off to bed only to sneak out of my window thirty minutes later.

The party was a rager, boys bellowing and drunk and girls flirting with any boy that’d give them attention. The music was loud, the drinks flowing, and the atmosphere electrifying. I had my first drink at that party, knocking back six shots in a row like a pro and still able to ward off any guy getting a little too handsy. It was also when any boy looked at me with /that/ look, you know the one. Their eyes are dark and sinful, their mouths salivating at the sight of your body spinning and twisting to the music. The obvious bulge protruding from their pants. All signs of pure unadulterated lust, and I was addicted immediately.

From then on, I craved to be looked at that way all the time. But being the Preacher’s daughter and daddy’s little girl didn’t always provide an opportunity to get laid. Couple that with the modest clothing and the sweet girl act, and I as doomed to a life as a nun before I even had a chance. Which is why Camile and I got fake ID’s and started clubbing on weekends. This however was the first time I’d ever gone home with someone, well technically. I’d fucked in cars, made out in back alley ways, gave blowjobs in bathrooms, but I hadn’t actually ever gone home with someone.

I glanced over my shoulder at the guy, his name was lost on me and I wasn't even sure he'd ever told me. He looked so different as he slept, his features softer. I swivelled around to plant a kiss delicately in his cheek. He stirred but otherwise didn't move as I permanently removed myself from the bed and began collecting my clothes from the floor until I heard my phone buzzing again. I followed the sound to my red dress and lifted it to find my phone with a picture of my best friend flashing across the screen. I picked it up, pressing the large green accept button before hauling it up to my ear.

“Hello.” I whispered as I found my other black heel and attempted to redress myself.

“Where the hell are you?” Camile’s voice screeched out from the other side of the line. I swiveled my head over to the bed making sure the sleeping man hadn’t been woken by my best friend’s voice.

“I’m… actually I have no clue where I’m at.” I said in a hushed voice, trying to zip up my dress and hold my phone with my ear with my shoulder at the same time.

“Well, are you okay?” She questioned, her tone filled with worry.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just had too much to drink and can’t remember the name of the hotel.” I had wedged on my shoe and was on my way to the door, when I realized I wasn’t wearing my earrings.

“Good, because when I get my hands on you - I’m going to kill you.” She spat.

I rolled my eyes at my best friend, knowing she couldn't see me. She was the worrier and no matter how many times I told her worrying turned your hair gray, she still did it. I spotted my earrings on the bedside table and rushed over to them. “Will you just come and get me, I still have to change for church.”

“You’re lucky I love you enough to have grabbed you a change of clothes before we left your house last night.” She said as if she had done me the biggest favor in the world. Which she undoubtedly had.

“Thank you, now hurry your ass up.” I hissed, walking purposefully towards the door and exiting it, making sure not to wake up guy’s name I didn't know. I hung up with Camile, promising I would send her my location when I did. As I waited from my best friend outside of the hotel. I let the memories of last night roam my brain. The feeling of his lips on mine was so prominent still, like they were embedded there forever. In all the nights I’d spent with random guys, something about this one was different. Something about how his touch made me nervous or the way he stared into my eyes made me blush, giving me a feeling that I hadn’t felt in a long time. Before I could give anymore thought to it, Camile pulled up in her car. I could see her scowl even through the tinted windows, but I choose to ignore it as I plopped into the car.

“The only way you’ll make this up to me is if you tell me every single detail.” She said seriously, before pressing on the gas and speeding off.

When my father preached, it was beautiful. It was like he was reciting his own words and not the words of the Bible. It always had the power to make me momentarily rethink my sinful choices. That is until he started spouting off words about the women in the bars only dressing so as to entice the men there, getting drunk off the devil’s water and committing acts only wedded couples should. At some point, I hated my father telling me what I could and couldn’t do. I hated how I couldn’t read a current book or watch a current movie because there was kissing in it. I hadn’t even seen The Notebook up until a few months ago.

The service dragged on and my head was practically throbbing from the loud music and voices booming over the speakers. I was relieved when my father stood from his spot next to my mother and announced the picnic, him and my mother had worked tirelessly to put together. Indicating church was over and I could go outside, drink a lot of water and soaking up all the vitamin D I could. We stood next to him when everyone was dismissed, shaking hands and giving hugs to the congregation before they excused themselves to the festivities outside. As the last few people exited, walking up the aisle way I spotted one of my fathers old family friends, Stan Hurley. My face lit up instantly as I rushed over to him.

“Stan!” I half yelled, as I embraced him into a hug. He hugged back tenderly, lifting me off the ground slightly and making me feel like I was a little girl again. When he finally put me down, I smiled up at him. He was like an uncle to me, often showing up unexpectedly and bringing me treasures from all his worldly adventures. I was far too old from such childish things now, but there was a part of me that still hoped that dear old Stan had brought me something.

“I got this one from Istanbul.” His rough voice spoke, pulling a small golden box out of his pocket and handing it to me. My eyes twinkled as I looked up at him with childlike wonder. I took the box out of his hand, opening it delicately. A beautiful necklace with a blue stone dangling from it sparkled up at me. My mouth dropped open and I tried smiling through my amazement.

“Oh Stan! You spoil her!” My father laughed from behind me as he walked up to greet his old friend.

“Someone’s got to.” He teased back as him and my father collided in a huge hug. I could hear the loud back slapping through my daze as I assessed my new treasure. Their laughter came a second later until a question interrupted my thoughts.

“And who is this?”

I had barely notice the person lying in the wake of Stan, but I could only make out his long sleeve black shirt and dirty jeans from where I stood. I knew my dad was mentally shaking his head at the attire of person hidden behind his old friend. Stan rolled his eyes, turning to make the person behind him visible.

“I was hoping he’d go unnoticed,” Stan practically groaned. “But this is Mitch Rapp, my partner.”

I instantly dropped everything in my hands when my eyes finally gazed upon the person Stan was talking about. He looked completely out of place, standing in the middle of a church dressed like he’d just come from a biker club. His eyes were only on me, an unreadable expression on his face. I gulped, frozen in place, not knowing what I should do. Run? Hide? Did he even remember me? Was the way his eyes raked over my body just my wishful imagination taking over.

“Sweetie, are you going to pick that up?” My mother’s voice brought me back. It was then that I noticed everyone's eyes on me. I could feel my face redden as I bent down to pick up the box and necklace. The rest of my family proceeded to greet Stan’s friend as I stood back, my mouth still hanging open slightly. I tried to convince myself that it wasn’t the same guy, that I was just being paranoid. Which I very rarely was, but for the uncanny resemblance to the guy I was just in bed with three hours ago, gave me every right to be.

“This is my daughter.” My father introduced me, spreading his arm out and coaxing me forward. I smiled sweetly, walking as slowly as I could without seeming suspicious until I was standing before him. This was definitely the guy from the club and the hotel room. He had the same brooding expression he had on his face last night and for some reason that made me smile.

“Nice to meet you - Mr.Rapp, was it?” I asked, extending my hand for him to take. He cocked his brow at the sight of my smile, but shook my hand anyways.

“Just Mitch.” He answered, the warmth of his hands spreading into my body. The familiar feeling I got when he looked at me returned, his honey colored eyes melting me without even trying. It was something I wasn’t used to. I recoiled my hand quickly, turning to look at anything but him. Even though I could still feel his eyes on me.

“Mark, If it’s okay with Nancy, I have to talk to you about something privately.” Stan said, slapping his old friend on the shoulder.

Both men looked over at my mother for approval and she laughed, her smile lines ever apparent, nodding before ushering herself and my brother out to the lawn where the picnic was being held. When I looked back at my father, him and Stan were already walking away toward his office leaving Mitch and I alone. We stood there awkwardly with each other before it became too much and I thought I better take my leave.

“I better go see if my mom -”

“You look different in white.” He cut me off, a rye smile on his face.

I blushed, looking down at my pure white dress. “Everything’s the same underneath.”

“I can only imagine.” He chuckled slightly. Despite the lighthearted conversation, the awkwardness still loomed in the room.

“Well, like I said I should go see if my mom needs any help.” I said shyly, fiddling tirelessly with the box still in my hand.

I wasn’t normally this nervous around guys, literally ever. But this guy had the ability to ruin the saintly reputation my parents had of me. He was a living, walking, breathing example of my sins. Not to mention he looked at me with those same bedroom eyes he looked at me with last night. It made me squirm in a way I wasn't used to squirming. He only nodded in reply and I turned to leave when a thought came to me.

“Can you not tell my parents about last night? Like any part of it?” I asked, turning back to face him.

“What do you think I’m going to say, ‘Oh hey, I fucked your daughter senselly last night. Please continue with your sermon’?” He teased, but I didn’t laugh. I felt like a child asking her babysitter not to tell her daddy that she broke the vase.

“We’re in a church.” I said, tisking him for cursing in God’s house.

He looked cautiously at the ceiling like God would send down a bolt of lightning to smite him any second. I laughed at him and smiled before attempting to leave once again.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were eighteen?” My stomach lurched at the question. I wasn't sure how I was suppose to answer, or what his intention was concerning the question.

“Why does it matter, I’m legal. It’s not like you committed a crime.”

“Expect for buying alcohol for minors.”

“I’m not a minor, I’m just not suppose to drink.”

“Still illegal.”

I smirked, wondering if that’s what was really bothering him or if it was the fact that I left this morning without saying goodbye. He had that brooding expression still on his face again and I took a daring step closer to him filling the gap that was between us only leaving inches of room.

“Well next time, I’ll be sure to let you in all my secrets.”

“I think I know them all by now.” He said in a hushed voice, looking curiously over my face.

“I might have a few more up my sleeve.”

I watched as his adam’s apple bobbed and his eyes flickered from my eyes to my lips rapidly. He began to lean in like a make out session was about to happen right there in the middle of the pews, but I leaned in slightly before flashing a quick smile up at him and pulling away, finally exiting the slightly less awkward but more so sexual tension filled room.

I sucked in a huge breath once outside, letting my lungs fill with fresh air before exhaling the sin I was breathing in by just being near Mitch. I knew when I woke up that morning I wanted to see him again, but I never imagined seeing him this soon and here. My mother spotted me and rushed over to me with her fake smile she only wore when something was happening and she didn't want anyone else to know.

“There you are!” She said through her smile. “I need you to play host while I go help Brother John refill the lemonade pitchers.”

“Okay Mom! I’m on it.” I reassured her as she bustled away from me. I shook my head after her, wondering how refilling the lemonade pitchers was a crisis. I started my rounds to the group of tables, saying hi to everyone and making friendly conversation. I had just made it to the table where all the elder ladies of the church could be found. They were the ones that sewed and knitted and their idea of a crazy night was playing Phase 10 until nine instead of eight thirty. Suddenly, they all burst into laughter which was strange for them and when I was close enough, I saw Mitch sitting between Mrs. Meyers and Ms. Sheldon. He wasn’t laughing nearly as hard as the rest of them, his eyes catching me as soon as I was in sight. I eyed him skeptically, subconsciously thinking he was telling them about our escapades last night.

“Hello Ladies, gentleman.” I said in my sweet preacher’s daughter’s voice. “I see you all made a new friend.”

“Oh yes, Mitch here is such a charmer.” Mrs. Henderson said, taking my hand and squeezing it.

“Well thank you Ethel, you’re too kind.”

I had to try really hard not to let my mouth fall open for the second time that day. Mrs. Henderson never let anyone under the age of 45 call her by her first name. Yet Mitch was spouting it off like it was her only she had. I wasn't sure why, but it irritated me that these old hens thought he was so great. It made me wonder what he had told them about himself. Because I, admittedly, knew nothing.

“I’m sure he gets all the ladies from — hmm, where is it that you said you were from again?” I challenged. Mitch open his mouth to talk when he was cut off.

“Oh, don’t pry dear. You’ll scare him off.” Ms. Sheldon said, her eyes fixed lovingly at him.

I rolled my eyes as Mitch soaked up all the attention he was getting, taking that as my queue to walk away. It was clear I could do nothing to tarnish the spotless reputation he'd built with them in such a short time. Just as I did, I heard Mrs. Henderson say something far too loud to be a whisper. “The girl is such a prude. She’s not worth your time, son.”

I looked over my shoulder at the group that had already forgotten my existence, glaring. Mitch was looking at me like he hadn’t taken his eyes off me even after I’d walked away. He was smirking, something dark crossing his face for the faintest of seconds. “I don’t know ladies, anyone can have a dark side.”

“Oh, not her. Her dark side is when she doesn't pray before bed.” The gaggle of ladies all cackled. I frowned, wishing the the older women could know the real me, the secret me. Something like rage boiled up inside me and I stormed back to the table, circling it until I reached Mitch.

“I need to talk to you.” I hissed, grabbing his by his bicep and pulling him up to a standing position. He tried to say something, but I ripped him away before he could.

“Woah kitten, slow down.” He chuckled, but I snapped my head back at him warding him off. Those old hens wanted a dark side, they were about to get one. I lugged him over to the side of the picnic where no one could hear us talk before releasing my grip on him.

“What the hel - ” I stopped for a second, looking up at the cross on the church and remembering where I was. “heck, was that?”

I folded my arms over one another, my eyes burning a hole into his brain. I could tell that I wasn’t the least bit intimidating by the smirk on his face, but I didn’t falter on my anger. There was no way I was letting his charm wear me down.

“I was just making friends.”

“Oh, really? Seemed like you had ulterior motives.”

“I’m the one with ulterior motives?” He asked presumptuously.

I understood what he was talking about, but I chose to ignore it. He was trying to get under my skin and exposing me wouldn’t work. I simply smirked back at him, biting lightly on my bottom lip.

“All my motives are pure.”

“As pure as your virginity.” He retorted, chuckling softly when I squirmed. I was losing and he knew it. I could feel my cheeks growing redder as silence set between us. I couldn't think of a witty enough comeback to counteract what he has just said.

“Love bug,” My mom chimed, adding to the embarrassment I was already feeling. She was about a yard away waving frantically at me for my attention. I smiled awkwardly at her and she finally ascended upon Mitch and I.

“There you are, dear. I’ve been looking everywhere for you. I need you to go and get the boxes that are in the backseat of my car.” She dangled her keys in front of me with a sweet smile. I smiled back weakly, taking them from her. I started walking away when my mother spoke again, causing me to stop and look back.

“Do you mind helping her?” She asked Mitch with the same sweet smile. “With your help, I know the two of you will dominate this.”

She gave him a small squeeze of the shoulder before someone called her name and she was off without getting an answer from Mitch. He watched her leave and when she was out of earshot, he looked back to me his devious smirk returning. “Dominate, huh?”

He arched an eyebrow and I rolled my eyes before I walked away. Swallowing the annoying lump in my throat and ignoring the wetness forming between my legs. He trailed after me as I lead the way to my mom’s car, the whole time trying to ward off the memories from last night that kept surfacing in my brain. My body buzzed as I remember the way he whispered ‘kitten’ into my ear as he pounded into me, cumming almost instantly. I knew this was not the place to be recalling those things, but I couldn't stop it. This man was different from any I’d ever met before, he had the ability to break me and that scared me.

The parking lot for the church was across the street, the church being so old and never building it’s own parking area. I got to the edge of the road and crossed the street without even checking if Mitch was behind me. The more distance I could put between us, the better. I weaved in and out of the parking slots until I spotted my mom’s white Jetta Volvo. I clicked the unlock button on the key fob and a small chirp indicated the command was successful. Pulling open the driver’s passenger side door, I slipped my head inside to assess how many boxes I would be lugging. To my relief, there were only two. Making me think that I didn't really need the help after all. A second later, the opposite door opened and Mitch’s face appeared. I huffed in frustration, grabbing the box out of the car roughly and ultimately causing some of the contents to fall back into the car. I groaned aloud, again in frustration, that nothing seemed to be going my way today. I dropped the box on the ground and climbed into the car, searching the seat for what had fallen. Mitch had already pulled himself and his box out of the car, but popped his head back in to check on me.

“Want some help?” He asked, placing his box on the ground.

“It would help me if you weren’t here.” I snapped, reaching under the seat and feeling around for any objects.

“That’s not what you were saying last night.”

“Can you, just like, stop for two freaking seconds? God, we fucked last night, I get it. You don’t have to keep reminding me of it.” I hissed, glaring as he inserted himself in the car too.

“I haven’t said anything about us fucking, gorgeous.” He had that stupid smirk on his face again and his eyes were glowing as he looked into mine. I could feel myself slipping and I knew how easy it would be to just give in to him.

“Yes, you did.” I pointed out, but I know he knew. He knew I couldn’t get last night out of my mind. He knew that I wanted to reenact a few of the things we practiced last night.

“Why are you even here, Mitch?” I asked, out of sexual frustration.

“I’m helping you with boxes.”

“No. Why are you /here/? You could be eating the free food or socializing with old ladies. Yet here you are, helping me with boxes. Why?” I challenge, genuinely curious of his answer. He seemed to think about his answer, but it didn't take him long to respond.

“I’m here for the same reason you are, kitten.” He said, his voice an octave deeper. His eyes had suddenly turned dark, lust taking them over completely. I knew he was right. I could have told him to get lost at any moment, or ignored his very existence but I couldn't hide from the truth. I wanted him here, I wanted him around me, I wanted him.

I didn’t hesitate before I lunged toward him, grabbing his face and pulling it towards my own. Inserting my tongue into his mouth, right away, as we both climbed into the car. He didn’t let my dominance last for too long before his tongue was the focal point of the kiss. It collided with my own, swirling around and over it while his hands went to my waist pulling me closer to him. It was incredible how easily the same carnal need for him pooled at the surface, making me throw everything good I knew out of the window.

“Close the door.” I said into our kiss and we both pulled apart to shut our doors only to be pulled back together again. I weaved my fingers into his hair and hoisted myself up as I climbed on top of him. His hands moved to my thighs, sliding up and down them and every time scooting my dress up higher and higher up on my waist. Our lips stayed connected as I blindly fumbled with his belt and jeans, trying to undo them quickly. I was eager for him to fill me again, my core ached for it. I got stuck on his zipper and I pulled out of this kiss to focus on my task.

“You were quicker at this last night.” He teased, as he finally slid his hands up high enough to reveal my ass. He kneaded and squeezed it before landing a smack on it. I jumped, letting a small moan slip from my lips. Still I continued to mishandle his pants, trying my hardest to free his cock.

“Do you want my help?” He asked, smacking my ass again. I hissed, letting the harsh sting fester until it turned into a pleasurable burn. I looked at him with seduction in my demeanor, finally undoing his button and zipper in one quick motion. I reached into his pants, pulling out his hard swollen cock. I could feel my mouth water at the sight of it. Precum glistened from his tip, begging to be licked clean.

“Come throat daddy’s cock, kitten.” He rasped, landing another blow to my backside.

Somehow the blow gave me a surge of confidence and I brought my hand up to his mouth, covering it. “I need you to stop talking.”

With my other hand, I position his erection so I could easily slide down on it. We both sighed when my slick walls encompassed his hard member. I clenched around him, easily remembering the feeling of him inside me. The feeling of him stretching me felt so perfect and I finally began sliding myself up and down on him, never moving my hand from his mouth. As my pace quickened, the car was filled with groans and muffled moans. I could feel the car rocking as I grinded against him. His hands remained on my ass, smacking every now and again to coax me on. I looked down at him and he was watching me, watching how much I was enjoying riding him. The intense look in his eyes as I slammed down on his lap and rose back up was rejuvenating. I knew I would cum easily like this, I felt in charge as if I had all the power. He muttered something into my hand and I removed it, allowing him to speak for the first time in minutes.

“I think I’m going to cum.” He growled, using my ass to guide me along his cock.

“Already?” I teased, clenching around him.

He sighed, not even trying to bite back. I got the sense that this was something that was new for him, not being in charge. From the looks of it, he was enjoying it. What he didn’t know, is me being in control of everything turned me on even more. I was used to being dominated, but the tables were turned and it was a whole new experience.

“You can’t cum until I do.” I breathed, kissing him softly on the lips.

“Fuck, I don't know if I can.”

“You’ll have to try.” I said, quickening my movements. I could feel trails of fire, coursing through my bloodstream and pooling in my abdomen - cumming wouldn't be hard for me. The very atmosphere between us mixed with the utter lust painted on Mitch’s face was enough to make me orgasm, but add in the car fucking, the way he was looking at me like I was the sexiest thing he had ever seen, and the last good smack on the ass and I was thankful we were in a car where I could scream without being heard. My walls tightened around him, my legs growing weaker as I came mercilessly around his cock.

“Oh shit.” He grunted, before pulling me up off his dick, cum shooting out of his slit and covering his shirt. He stroked himself, finishing himself off while I leaned back awkwardly trying to reach the napkins my mom kept in her center console. His head was resting against the seat, sweat dotted over his forehead when I turned back around. I climbed off of him and he lifted his head suddenly. I smiled, before tossing the napkins in his lap and scooting out of the car. There was an attempt at a protest of me getting out that was silenced upon shutting my door. I pulled my dress back down properly before resuming with the task that brought me to the car in the first place.

I was halfway back to the picnic when I saw Mitch emerging from my mom’s car. I giggled to myself before walking a little faster to ensure he wouldn't catch up. My dad and Stan were exiting the church through the front doors just as I was passing them and they stopped me.

“Hey Lovebug,” My dad smiled, pulling me into a side hug as I cringed at the pet name that I wished my parents would forget.

“Hi dad. Hi Stan.” They both smiled but seemed less than involved with talking to me as they both surveyed the guests at the picnic.

“Love, you haven’t seen Mitch by chance have you?” My dad asked.

I had to bite the inside of my cheek to hold back the smile that was so close to being let out. “You know, I think I saw him cleaning up around here somewhere.”

“Hmph.” My dad sighed, “I guess we’ll just have to tell him later.” The words weren’t directed at me, but Stan who nodded at him agreeingly.

“Tell him what, daddy?” I said, knowing full well that cozying up to him would get him to tell me anything he wouldn't normally.

“Stan and Mitch are going to be staying with us for a few weeks.” He said without faltering, because it wasn’t a secret.

My stomach fell to my ass as I tried to process the news. I thought that Mitch being there that day was a one off. That it was God’s way at saying my slutty ways would catch up to me one day. That I would just have to get through that day and I would never have to see Mitch Rapp ever again. But he was now following me home, where it was going to be hard to pretend that the past sixteen hours didn’t happen. As Mitch came into view, carrying his box,I bid farewell to my dad and Stan so I could bring the box I was still holding to my mom. As I walked, I knew what we had between us couldn't continue. There was no way I could keep up my good girl act with Mitch living down the hall from me. So as I set the box down next to my mom and began to unload it, I promised myself that no matter what — I would not fuck Mitch Rapp.

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byunbells · 7 years

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11 Questions Tag

Rules:

Post the rules

Answer the questions given to you by the tagger.

Write 11 questions of your own

Tag 11 people

I was tagged by @vanillabyun @freckledksoo and @ratbyun thank u loves !! <3

This is super long so its all under the cut!

Questions from @vanillabyun (im screeching u did 12 questions on accident dw ill answer them all)

1. What is your middle name?

lol its Nicole <3

2. Favorite season?

FALL!

3. Favorite EXO album or repackage?

its complicated.... i would say the lmr repackage but i feel like power of music is abt to destroy that so ??

4. If you could only spend the rest of your life surrounded by one other person, who would it be?

I was gonna b sentimental and say my mom but...... bbh

5. Breakfast for dinner or dinner for breakfast?

ahhhh it depends on what the food is oops i dont eat breakfast ever so i would probably go with breakfast 4 dinner

6. A place you want to visit?

I’ve already been but my favorite place to visit is Paris (im a hoe 4 history)

7. What would you change your name to if you had the chance?

honestly? would just change my name to my middle name (nicole) mostly so ppl dont ask me what gwen is short for anymore (its not short for anything)

8. You biggest dream?

realistically... being able to travel as much as i want n have money i guess. the biggest dream is me snuggled up on a couch with hot chocolate while bbh plays the piano and sings 4 me tho

9. You favorite dessert?

cheesecake! or anything mango flavored

10. Movies or dramas?

dramas! I’ve never rly liked movies bc I dont get attached to the characters

11. Favorite color?

dark shades of purple.. i feel like purple is underappreciated

12. The eve or artificial love?

i would say the eve, but i’m a fake and artificial love is probably my most played exo song to date so idk

Questions from @freckledksoo

1. How did you get into exo?

I slept on them until lmr comeback and then cried over the album until Ex’act came out and then i joined the fandom... the #1 reason i got into exo though was bc of bbh (also jongin a lil bit) in call me baby so yeah

2. Favorite genre of music?

R&B, but i’ve gone through numerous alternative phases, pffft i only listen to exo atm tho

3. Are you an organized person?

im that person who tries to be organized and is motivated by cleanliness and boxes to put ur pens in, but eventually it turns into chaos.. the only consistent organization i have is not leaving things on the floor

4. Most underrated exo song?

HEAVEN

5. Who is your bias wrecker and why?

erm im the most loyal so i dont really have one, but ksoo. yixing and pcy are the members i cry about the most besides bbh

6. Do you believe in personality types, astrology etc?

i definitely believe in personality types and to some extent in astrology, but we shouldnt put expectations or judgements based on types or signs (sometimes ppl take it too far n its annoying)

7. Favorite thing to drink?

water!!!!! <3 im not healthy though im a fake

8. Growl or Call Me Baby?

growl.. bc i still get overexcited about it when it comes on n i do (a really bad version of) the dance

9. What are some of your talents/achievements?

i draw things sometimes and im in uni so thats an achievement i guess

10. Best and worst hairstyles on your bias?

this is impossible .... the best hairstyles on bbh were all the ones from exo’luxion and i have to say the worst was the perm from wolf, but lbr.. bbh can pull of any hairstyle

11. If you could pick one of the members to be your friend, who would it be?

besides the obvious answer of bbh... minseok or ksoo

Questions from @ratbyun

1. If you had to get any exact tattoo that a celebrity has, what would it be?

i just realized most celebrities dont have like.. any good tattoos? so i guess it would be some thing like that flower eyeball tattoo that brendon urie has.. but honestly not even that lmao

2. Washing dishes or folding clothes?

I used to love washing dishes but then i learnt how to fold clothes real fancy and since then i kinda like folding clothes.. but also..... i avoid both

3. If they already aren’t, would you think your ult would make a good leader?

i think bbh is better at setting the mood and making sure everyone is happy than keeping people under control.. so absolutely not. i also wouldnt want him to have to sacrifice any part of his personality to be a leader (bc his wild self is perfect)

4. What’s the first song in your music library? The last?

its alphabetic so its starts with 4 Walls and end with a Monsta X song with a korean title. but out of the playlist i actually listen to (not alphabetic) its starts with artificial love and end in hey mama!

5. If you had to choose one your favorite celebrity hairstyles to have for the rest of your life, what would you choose?

idk i really like my hair :( but so i guess whoever has a better version of my hair then.. long wavy dark brown/black hair and doesnt look like its dying of thirst

6. Would you ever get a face tattoo? If so, what would it be?

the closest i would probably get would be behind my ear n it would be like some boring flower thing or smth

7. You have a choice of two piercings on your whole body, what are they?

erm a regular ear piercing (i never had mine re pierced so i just dont wear earings lol) and a lip ring

8. What is your laptop/phone bg?

pfft on my laptop its the group pic from kokobop and my phone lockscreen is bbh from that one recent magazine photoshoot i think and my homescreen is the bbh teaser photo 4 pom

9. Was the last thing you ate a meal or snack?

snack!! i ate popcorn

10. What song got you into your favorite band/group?

idk whether it would be call me baby or lmr, i dont really remember that well

11. Last movie you saw at the cinema? Rating?

Guardians of the Galaxy 2 i think 10/10

Now here’s the hard part where i have to make up questions...

1. Favorite solo/collab song from any exo member?

2. Favorite slow exo song?

3. How many pillows do you sleep with?

4. Favorite disney movie?

5. How many albums and posters do you own?

6. Something about your ult that is underappreciated and you wish more people paid attention to?

7. Have any unpopular opinions about biases or ults? (Ex. bbh stans and mullets)

8. Do you like going to the beach during the day or at night (or not at all)?

9. What concerts have you been to?

10. If you had one day to spend with a person of your choice, who would it be and what would you do?

11. How often do you dream and what do you normally dream about?

I tag @oshnverse @poutydaes @squishy-do @94-hun @ylxlng @baekhyuneeeee-exo @ehanyeol @starsehun @royalyeol (totally not 11 people but its 3 am) sorry if u didnt want to be tagged, only do it if u want <3

#i did this instead of sleeping it literally took me 2 hours #now the mv is out in like 2 hours and i might as well stay awake #me #tag

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imsarabum · 7 years

Text

Responses to {Part 23} I Won’t Stop You // Jeon Jungkook, Vampire!AU Asks~

Please ‘Keep Reading’ to find my response to your ask ^^ As always, I have copied and pasted all asks into this post in regards to last night’s chapter to avoid clogging up people’s dashboards and to avoid spoilers for those who may still wish to read the chapter. Thank you ^^

(I have also included asks that I received in the hours before IWSY was posted ^^)

Anonymous said: I love tuesdays because of you hahaha I can't focus on my assignment bcoz im really excited !!!!!! More strong power thank you !

Oh my god please try focusing on your assignment too! TT I want you to do well and so does Jungkook c: hehe~ Thank you so much love :D

@qigoyangi said: and finally it's Tuesday again!! the only other day in the week that I wait for is Fridays. You left me hanging on the edge with the last update and I'm soo excited for todays update. I loved the concept with the reader being a domitor and I'm looking forward too see how you evolve that. lot's of love and support from Qi

Yes it’s Tuesday! I’m so glad you look forward to Tuesdays because of IWSY! And I’m happy that you’re loving the lore and the concept :3 Thank you so much my love and I hope you enjoy tonight!!

Anonymous said: I just finished taking a test and remember u were uploading today 🙌💞 U light up my days -wifey anon

Hello wifey anon! And good job on finishing your test! I’m sure you did an amazing job =D Awwww you’re so cute!! You light up my days too :3 I really hope you enjoy tonight’s chapter :D

Anonymous said: I had a really shitty and stressful day and I have just realized it's Tuesday and now I'm like ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) can't wait for tonight's update

Shitty and stressful days are the worst, I’m sorry your day was so crappy :( But I hope that the new chapter was able to cheer you up and make your day a little better :3 Thank you so much babe!

@jynxy24 said: I'm breathing out tge air of my lungs for the upcoming smut!! :3

*breathes with you* I HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT MY LOVE!

@animeimmortal said: I had such a shit day and all I'm waiting for is IWSY cuz like yes it does make me angry at times cuz of cliffhangers but then again its SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOD ❤

I’m sorry you had a shit day my love *hugs* but I hope that IWSY can make you smile today! (apologies again for the cliffhangers :P )

Anonymous said: Girl, I'm dying here. I need my IWSY fix!

Go go go get it!!

@cotylovesbands said: I can't wait for IWSY!!!!!! I love it so so much 💗

I really hope you enjoyed it my dear! *hugs*

@mocking-butts said: Okay but seriously you're my fav writer ever and I look up to you for writing and I'm way too excited for this chapter you are now the mother of writing I'm calling you mumsy~! I'm so excited I can't stop looking at my phone 😭💕

Omg mumsy *heart flutters* that’s so cute ajkgnakjgadg you’re so sweet what did I do to deserve you?! hehe~ I really hope you enjoyed the chapter babes! Thank you so much :)

Anonymous said: Omfg I'm so excited for the next part, like I've been procrastinating for about an hour on meaning to do homework and this has only solidified that I shouldn't be doing work until I've read the update 😂

Let’s be professional procrastinators together yaaaaay I love doing nothing and leaving everything till the last minute so I can stress cry and worry about everything LOL xD I really hope you enjoyed it my love :3

Anonymous said: I'm buzzing for ISWY, I've had such a shitty time editing this essay and your update is giving me motivation

I’m so glad I can offer you the inspiration to keep editing your essay! You’ll do a good job my dear ^^

Anonymous said: That was such a good chapter!!! But this caught my attention, in a previous chapter, Jungkook mentioned not to let a human become pregnant because it will end badly for everyone? Did he decide it was okay since she was a domintor? Will she die? Will he change her? So many questions! Such a good story, I love it and I love you!

Ahh thank you so much and I love you too!! As for your questions my dear - as always, I never reveal spoilers so you will just have to live with your curiosity for the time being ;D I hope you can understand asdfg :3 Thank you so much for reading and I hope you have a great day/night!!

@audreymv said: Yes Yes Yes. I love at the end especially where they said "You" I can't so much. I love this and omg what is Yoongi actually wanting to do with the reader. Can't be good. God Smut and Fluff. Well this is just my lucky day and I just am so sad that this series is going to end soon. But so relieved and happy hopefully. God this makes me happy. You make me happy with what you do Sara. Thank you

I’m so happy you liked it c: AND HEY WHO SAID IT WAS GONNA END SOON? It ain’t over ‘till it’s over...and my god, nothing has even happened yet! :3 I really hope you’ll look forward to and enjoy what I have planned. I hope that it was be interesting, shocking and enjoyable all at the same time. I’m so excited to write it! And my dear, you make me happy because you’re happy. Thank you for always being amazing :)

Anonymous said: THAT CHAPTER WAS SO GOOOOOOD! I RECENTLY GOT MY FRIEND INTO BTS AND NOW WE LITERALLY JUST WAIT THE WHOLE WEEK FOR YOUR UPDATES!! THANKS FOR WRITING THIS WONDERFUL FANFIC! LOTS OF LOVE❤

YAAAAY THANK YOU SO MUCH! I’M SO HAPPY THAT YOU AND YOUR FRIEND LOVE BTS AND READ MY SERIES :3 you’re so welcome and thank you for reading it and messaging me c:

Anonymous said: LOVE LOVE LOVE IWSY -anon who just read chp.23

Thank you so much for reading it and loving the story so far!! It means a lot to me :)

@mocking-butts said: IM SCREAMING AT THIS CHAPTER I CANT HANDLE THE FEEELS. I'm just going to go cry in a corner while waiting for next weeks update I'm in love with this story how do I properly live?

No don’t cry in a corner that’s not good! :c *hugs* eheh thank you so much for reading it dear ^^ I’m so happy you enjoyed it!

@vtstigmarmy said Omg it's out! Finally! Its 2am and im hyped!!

Wow it was so late for you! :c I hope you managed to get to sleep after reading it, and thank you so much for staying up so late to read it too!! I hope you liked it!

@animeimmortal said: Oh that was hell of a chapter. Wow like this the smut was spot on and the "I will move mountains...swim an ocean for you" type of thing got me internally screaming for how much I liked it ^^ (so cheesy ^^) my mood went up 100% ❤❤❤ love you 😘

Ahhh I wish I could find someone who would say those words to me and mean them with all their heart ^^ I’m not a huge fan of cheesiness - I find it to be rather cringey most of the time but, when it’s heartfelt and when it’s right for the moment, I accept it :3 lol Ah I’m so glad the chapter could bring your mood up! I love you too and thank you so much :D

@ayedemi said: Iwsy is so good omg, but like vampires and human or half human, gettig kids, i hope it won't be as dramatic as Twilight omg 😂❤

Do not fear! There will be no Twilight fuckery in this story xD You can be sure of that :D thank you for reading love ^^

Anonymous said: Fuck... u NEED to create a TV show out of IWSY I would literally watch it over and over again... 😭 How I wish this could be real life..... 😍 Going through hard times I know I can always count on you xxxx

I would love to make IWSY into a TV show! Omg that would be so cool~ And I wish this world could be real life too....but, I don’t think this scene would be allowed to air on television (not before 9pm anyway lool) I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through hard times. Keep your chin up and keep doing your best, and I’m always cheering you on ^^ Thank you so much my love.

@theninjachan said: "Do I need to ask you a second time, sweetheart? Don’t you wish to please your Prince?” I just busted a nUT I'M LEAVING PLANET EARTH GOODBYE

SAME GOODBYE GOODNIGHT WHEN WILL A PRINCE EVER WHISPER THAT INTO MY EAR FUCK STOP THE BUS LET ME OFF I

@sorrehbae said: Glad to know im not the only one whos obsessed with iwsy I legit have an alarm and set it in my schedule lmao I dont even have alarms for school im- Thanks for creating a masterpiece Bye omg （⌒▽⌒)

Oh my god that’s so cute Cx YOU ARE SO CUTE LET ME HUG YOU ;; Thank you so much for enjoying IWSY, and thank you for reading th new update as well ^^

Anonymous said: It was amazing. I. cannot. live. THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE BABBIIIEESSSSS?! But JK needs to turn Y/N because otherwise he will live much longer than she?! But which of the three scenarios (Vampire, Nothing happens, Die) will happen? AHHHH xxxxx UK anon

Baby talk yikes!! I wonder what will happen?! Ahh so many questions! Will Sara answer anything? heeeeeh c: Thank you so much for reading babe ^^

@mysr3 said: Saraa! I LOVE YoU and MAD at YoU at the same time! So GoOd OMG I did feel hot and bothered! Your writing indeed hit my emotional spot again! JK shows who the BOSS here! "I didn’t know what love was....My life was but a barren wasteland…until you walked into it and shed your wonder upon it" ahh Tears at this whole thing- so touching 😭 Give you lot of Hugs and KiSses Thank you Love! Thought last week I struggled hard enough😒 this week seems to be worse! Luv Ya 💖

Nooo don’t be mad at me why!? :3 Lots of hugs and kisses for you too - and I really hope that this week won’t be as bad as last week. Please stay strong okay? You can really get through everything because you are stronger than you think! You have survived all of your worst days so far...remember that ^^ I love you too and thank you so much for reading the chapter my dear :)

@deboracorreia26 said: I'm definitely out of words after this love confession. IWSY is absolutely my favorite fanfic ever, and you are my favorite writer. Love you!

I’m so happy you liked his gentle pillow talk c: *blushes* thank you so much beautiful - thank you for reading the new chapter and I love you too!

Anonymous said: Last week I was like "hmm chapter 22 and there hasn't been another smut scene yet... Suspicious." And then when I was reading it I was like "OOOOOH JUNGKOOK IS MAD I BET THERE'S GONNA BE SOME THINGS GOING ON NEXT CHAPTER....." And then at the end of the chapter I was like "YEAH MAN I CALLED IT THERE'S GONNA BE SOME ~spicy~ SCENES NEXT CHAPTER!" And now I read it and JEEZ LOUISE WAS THAT SOMETHING. Also THE END HAS ME SQUEALING ITS SO CUTE AHH Thank you for writing IWSY it is truly amazing! ~Ro❤️

Hiya Ro! I’m glad you enjoyed the much needed 3rd smut scene in this series :3 muhaha~ Thank you very much for reading it, as it is my pleasure to write it and post it! ^^ Have an awesome day my dear!

Anonymous said: Me trying to be calm after reading IWSY pr 23: well shit, sara... tbh you just made me love you like a billion times more . I applaud you once again on your exceptional writing. Me in all honestly after reading it: HOT DAMN THAT WAS PRETTY JUICY! I SERIOUSLY THOUGHT JUNGKOOK WAS GOING TO PROPOSE AFTER HIS LITTLE SPEECH TOWARDS THE END! anyways... ;'-' please take care of yourself, and you have once again impressed me with your writing! <3 - army anon

But I love you way more, so c: Hello Army Anon! You’re welcome for the hot, sexy juiciness~~ And oh my god a post-sex proposal :3 Prince Jungkook is so romantic, right? :3 I’ll do my best my love! Make sure you take care of yourself too and thank you so much for reading the new chapter :3

Anonymous said: I'm not crying. You are.

You’re not wrong

@koreaisanaddiction said: SARAAA!!! it was so GOOOOOOD!!

THANK YOU MY LOVE!!!

Anonymous said: Idk how many words that chapter was but it was basically en entire chapter of pure smut and I'm happy I waited to read it till I got home because otherwise I'd be fanning my face at school.

I believe it was around 5k words? So, considerably less than the previous chapters but still substantially full! Oh god yes you made a wise decision to wait until you got home :3 Thank you so much for reading it and I’m glad you enjoyed it my love :3

@coppertopging said: AHHHHHHHH why do you do this to us!!! You're a heartbreaker! She's gonna get pregnant! And then Yoongi's gonna get her!!! I just feel it... dammit, woman!

Ahhh you think you have it all sussed out...*giggles* Thank you for reading baby!

Anonymous said: Wow look at all the smutty goodness in that new chapter of IWSY like I was legit jumping on my bed and throwing my phone 😂

All le smutty goodness yay :3 LOL thank you so much for reading it and enjoying it?! :3

Anonymous said: Seriously, "I won't stop you'' is AMAZING -cat anon

Hi cat anon! Thank you so much for liking I Won’t Stop You! :3

@noceurash said: BLESSS , i won't stop you is a blessing to this world. As always ~~ Ily and have a good day today (or tomorrow pft ) ♡♡♡♡ . You're one of my favorite blogs tbh haha ♡

You’re so sweet aghsgksjnds thank you so much for your kind words. I love you too and I hope you have an amazing day or night as well my dear! Take care and thank you so much for reading :3

Anonymous said: I feel emotionally attacked. The most recent update of IWSY hit me in the feels highkey. You never fail to impress :) <3

I feel so happy when you tell me that I impressed you, thank you so much for that sweetie :) And you’re welcome for feeling emotionally attacked! It was my pleasure ~~~

@kookies-hoe said: OH MY GAWDDDDDDD HOW CAN SMUT BE SO CUTEAND FLUFFY AND SEXY AT THE SAME TIME 😭😭😭 Thank you for the new part! Cant wait for 24~ 💕❤

I think the best sexy time is sexy time that is both smutty and fluffy :3 Hehe~ You’re welcome and thank you so much for reading it my love!!

Anonymous said: Omg yassssss THEY BUMPED UGLIES. THIS WAS WHAT I NEEDED. OMFG IM SO HAPPY. LIKE JUNGKOOK IS SO DADDY AND IM A SINNNER BUT I CANT HELP IT. THAT BOY DOES THINGS TO ME. Y/n was getting that good 🍆! 😏😏😏. But on another note I'm so depressed I can't go to see jungkook this weekend. But I still love him from a far and one day Ima touch him. Mom I hope you've been doing well. My surgery went great and I'm doing fine. It wasn't a big procedure. I love you so much. 💜 ~LilKookieAnon

Hello LilKookieAnon! YES LMAO THEY BUMPED UGLIES and my dear I am so happy that your surgery went well. I hope you are recovering nicely and taking plenty of time to rest and restore your energy! ^^ I’m sorry you can’t go and see BTS :( But I know that one day you will, never give up okay?! I love you so much too and thank you once again for reading the chapter ^^ Take care of yourself okay?

Anonymous said: IWSY, incredible yet again. I will never get over how every single chapter leaves me satisfied AND anticipating the next one! You've really developed the plot so nicely. It's overall one of the best of its kind in my opinion. Keep up the fantastic work Sara! Can't wait for next Tuesday!!! (Also, "I would want no other woman to mother my children..." I'm DED) - 종달새 <3

‘One of the best of it’s kind’ - you are far too sweet, I’m crying at that :c I’m so happy that you like the plot and you’re enjoying the storyline, I really wanted to create a world that everyone can enjoy! And I KNOW RIGHT GOD DAMN IT I HURT MYSELF WITH THAT LINE GOODNIGHT lmao thank you my dear ^^

Anonymous said: IWSY update is the only thing that keeps me going on Tuesday

I’m so happy that it keeps you going *hugs*

Anonymous said: Omg I completely forgot that today IWSY was going to be posted like it was raining earlier and I was making a paper mache(?) piñata with a couple friends but like YES THE SMUT IT WAS GREAT AND SO IS YOUR WRITING

Ooooh paper mache making is so fun! Invite me next time pls :c hehe ^^ Thank you so much for liking and reading the chapter my love :3

@jiyongyu said: There are only a few fics that I absolutely adore and IWSY is one of them. Seriously, I'm always waiting for Tuesday to roll around because I can't wait for the next chapter haha! Thank you for writing such an interesting horror-esque fic! As a fellow horror fan, it's quite refreshing ^^ Anyway KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK ILYYYY ♥

Thank you so much for saying that :) It seriously makes my heart go all dokidoki lmao ~ (I don’t know how to say that in english? haha) I’m so happy that you like my addition to the horror fic genre! That means so much to me~ I will keep doing my best and I love you too ;3

Anonymous said: Idk how you managed to turn to atmosphere of the room from dom!jungkook to something all lovey dicey is beyond me 👏🏼

I really wanted to portray the healthiness of their relationship. Like, he’s definitely a dom but he’s how a dom should be in those type of bedroom adventures~ He is of course authoritative and likes to be in control, but he reads her body language and is attentive to her needs and security and of course, he loves her ^^ I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it :3 Thank you dear!

@jynxy24 Is it wrong that i'm reading this but, I'm like, 14? Sara, you make the best of smut😂 But, I should really stop reading smut what is wrong with me😳 THANK YOU AGAIN FOR A GREAT CHAPTER!! And also, I love the new theme! :3 Have a great day, Sara. Stay awesome!!

JYNxY YOU’RE 14 OH MY GOD YOU POOR CHILD I’M SO SORRY LMAO but tbh, I *do* have it marked as MATURE and there is a warning on it :P I can’t stop minors from reading what I write, just as long as you are mature enough in your self and you are sensible and safe in the real world when you make your own decisions ^^ Thank you so much for loving the new theme! And thank you for reading the new chaptER YOU BAD CHILD (kidding lol) but I think you are mature and sensible so ^^

@ananyak26 said: Part 23 was damn sexy! The last part was so beautiful though! Omg Jungkook's love .. It just killed me! Why can't there be more guys like himxD.. Jk anyway. Beautiful writing as usual

There are no guys like him - only Vampires ;D muahaha(my jokes are so bad forgive me but I try) lol xD THANK YOU so much my love, I’m so happy you enjoyed the chapter :) That means so much to me ^^

@toxic-seoul said: OH MAH LAWD OKAY THAT WAS AMAZING AS ALWAYS. oh god seriously tho I really love Jungkook in this. Yoongi better back the fuck off. I take back all words I said about Yoongi taking reader away & wooing her even tho he's my bias. But.. u kno.. he did kill her parents.. like.. that's a deal breaker. I still love him in this tho like ugh kill me as well. Jungkook and reader are just 2 god damn cute & 2 invested in each other like I can't. Sara ur killing me here & I love it. Keep killing me pls lmao

LOL BACKPEDDLE FROM WANTING YOONGI TO FUCC YOU AGAINST A WALL like fuck lmao~~ they are pretty much 100% invested in each other now, you’re absolutely right. But...I wonder. c: You’re welcome for the death and the smut hehe ^^ thank you so much for reading it and always being super amazing. Take care and have an awesome day love!

Anonymous said: Chapter 23 was some kinky shit

You’re welcome ;D

Anonymous said: I have never liked Vampire!AU or supernatural au but damn WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME !! I CANNOT GET ENOUGH OF VAMPIRE JUNGKOOK MAN OMFG 😭😭😩😩🖤🖤🔥 love your writing 🖤🖤 stay healthy and amazing 🖤🖤

That means so much to me!! Thank you for liking my addition to this type of AU :3 Thank you so much and I hope you will stay healthy and take care of yourself too my dear :)

Anonymous said: hello! I am writing just to thank you for writing the jungkook vampire fanfic!!! I just found it yesterday and I read the entire series already!! seriously looking forward for the next chapter. you write so well, I think you can do well as a legit story writer HAHHAA. anyways thanks for all the hard work and for satisfying my fantasies!! <3 u and <3 kookie!!

Thank you very much for writing to me and letting me know! Ahh you read it all in such a short space of time?! *cries* thank you!! you’re so sweet and I hope you will look forward to the rest of the series too my dear. I love you and Kookie as well! Take care love ^^

@wanda-rog said: "If it happens, it happens" JUNKOOK BEFORE IT HAPPENS omg im so exited for the next chapter!!

Hehehe :3 Thank you for being excited for the next chapter! And thank you for reading this chapter too ^^

#IWSY #I Won't Stop You #Responses #Asks #imsarabum

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