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vitos-ordination-song · 7 months

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Sobriety has been weird. I could discuss it further but for now I’ll just focus on how breaking my psychological dependency on all substances has coincided with an ability to sleep. My earliest memories, going all the way back to when I was a toddler, are of not being able to sleep. It started when my parents adopted my second brother and they moved me to a room of my own. I was terrified to sleep alone. I never had nightmares really, though I can remember that being how adults explained what was happening to me. What I had was sleep anxiety—anxiety about the period before sleep. In third grade, it got so bad that I don’t think I slept more than a couple hours a night the entire year.

Some of it stemmed from fear, little kid fears, which are actually deeper and longer lasting than most people realize. I had a kind of existential dread and terror of the unknown which I still recall vividly. It’s also connected to being unable to stop thinking, and being unable to give up conscious control. I can remember having loop after loop as a kid where I would realize I was falling asleep, and just realizing it would prevent me from sleeping. I started to dread going to bed—it built up into such a huge thing in my mind and I would be nervous about it all day.

Finally, my parents completely mismanaged the situation and made it way worse. I’m not sure why they’re like this but they genuinely believed that everything their kids did that bothered them was on purpose. My brothers were punished for wetting the bed, and I was punished for not sleeping. There was a literal panopticon situation going on where they would check on us all night and get mad if we weren’t sleeping. How relaxing. When I started seriously freaking out about sleep, all I got was annoyance. I had many a long night standing completely frozen outside the living room, listening to my parents talk (often shit talk about their kids actually), until one of them got up to get more alcohol, saw me, and shoed me away to bed. It got so bad that I eventually asked them if I was demon possessed, completely seriously. Christian brain will do that to you.

Anyway, I kept having sleep issues to varying degrees as I grew up. I was chronically exhausted during my miserable high school years. The overt anxiety lessened, but I had an aversion to going to bed—I used to wish and wish that I didn’t have to sleep, that I could just have all those hours to myself. Growing up in a controlling home with three siblings probably had something to do with it; I reclaimed the night as my time to make myself feel better, after long days of unhappy work.

A lot of my troubles started with that awful stay in a mental hospital. Family issues forced me in and I was only allowed out if I took the drugs. Lexapro sent me into a horrible sleepless night. My concentration broke, I couldn’t focus, I felt scared, disoriented, dizzy, and I wanted off the damn things. When I complained that the drug was just making me sick, the doctors just prescribed me seraquel, a powerful antipsychotic, to make me sleep. And make me sleep it did! I was highly sensitive to it, actually halving the low dose they gave me. If I took one at 6pm, I would fall asleep around 9, sleep the full night, and be up in time for my freshman college courses. It was a relief to be able to sleep, even if they were a bit too powerful for me, and I took them a long time after I stopped Lexapro. I’m definitely weird bc I hear that other ppl had a lot of side effects from it but it only ever made me sleep.

So that was where the association of using a drug to solve my night time problem began, I suppose. I never liked the Kaiser psychiatrist so I stopped going even before I distanced myself from my family. I also didn’t like that seraquel would take up so much of my day—I would sleep 10-12 hours on it, and I’d also have to take them early because otherwise I couldn’t wake up. I ended up only using them to ensure a night’s sleep when I really needed it, and I’ve long since run out.

In 2019, my life went off the rails, and I started drinking. I was doing weed before that, but drinking is where things really went haywire. Notably, in both cases, I’ve only ever used at night. The anxiety was there—like, I’m not gonna be okay unless I’m doing a drug at night. Only the drug will help me cope with the time I have to kill before bed. A lot of that had to do with loneliness and the many problems in my life. Drinking would just put me to sleep with no problem, while weed would help me dissociate.

Even this last year when I’ve been more sober, only doing weed on the weekends, I still haven’t been sleeping the other days. I just never wanted to. I resisted it. And I never felt like going to bed, I never got sleepy, sleep was rarely appealing to me, except in the mornings when I had to get up for work.

I’ve been thinking about getting sober, taking a long term break from all substances and doing them more sparingly, ending my psychological dependence, for some time. It tends to happen all of a sudden for me, and I’m glad it’s finally clicked. I’ve been feeling really good, healthy, more energetic despite recovering from sickness. I knew I’d be healthier if I stopped doing weed regularly. But I was not expecting to have the sleep problem solved. That goes back so far in my psyche.

It must be that I’m healing the thing that caused both my addiction and my sleep problems. I feel more and more mature lately. I’ve been thinking about maturing for a long time, thinking about changing myself, but I had many frustrating years where my desires weren’t aligning with my actions. All of a sudden, things are clicking into place. The fear is subsiding. The deep rift in my personality is closing (this is where I could talk more about how weed actually helped on this front but I’ll leave it. Suffice it to say that getting sober was the last stage in the process). I’m letting go of control, learning to relax, and becoming more in tune with my body. I can sleep now. I want to sleep now. I want to dream. I want to have flying dreams like I had when I was a child.

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mortul · 2 years

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christoph’s opinion on death is lukewarm at best. he doesn’t really hold any strong feelings towards in one way or another-- he thinks that death is simply the end, and that’s about it. if anyone’s trying to engage him in a deep, philosophical discussion about it? that’s pretty much all they’re going to get out of him.

death has always, for better or for worse, lingered around christoph since his own “death”. hell, even before that he’s more than certain that it’s somehow followed him. he would never go as far as to say that the grim reaper himself had an eye on him, per say, but it’s a concept he’s more or less grown uncomfortably... comfortable with at a young age, and now it’s something he’s always going to live with. of course, he did have a certain fear (almost visceral... guttural, perhaps.) of death and dying, wondering what’s on the other side and if it’d hurt.

y’know. all of those good, pleasant, “oh, that just makes my heart all fuzzy!” things.

when he was used as a proxy sacrifice in his ex-friends’ ritual (and they didn’t even do that right. dumbasses.) all those years back, he remembers bits and pieces of it. even now when he tries to recall all of the details, it’s more-so... flashes of what had happened, best described as watching a video game glitch or your computer screen flickering. he knows what happened and can give the general gist (he’d start with a “well, they killed my sis first...” and shrug, rubbing the back of his neck, “... i think, anyway.”) but cannot diverge any further than that.

the sensation of dying wouldn’t be something he’d recommend, personally, but, uh... hey! at least he has experience and could put that on a metaphorical resume for a quick laugh. he dares anyone try and call him out on lying then.

admittedly, he was scared absolutely shitless of dying when he first “woke up” from his death. it was a thing of, “i died once... that means i can die again. ... shit.” with sprinkles of “aww fuck, am i having a fucking existential crisis at twenty-three fuckin’ years old?” added in for flavor. he’s not proud of it, but he was definitely a bit more careful for the next, few months whilst trying to adjust. over time, though, he learned that he could be as reckless as he wanted as long as he could be repaired.

oh, and as long as he doesn’t go up against someone with “fuckin’ excellent with handling a chainsaw and has the current worldwide high-score on fruit ninja” on their resume. because... honestly? he went through something like that once whilst chasing down one of his hits in the early days of his career, and it was bed-wettingly terrifying. would not recommend.

he loves knowing that he’s never going to actually die (as long as he meets the minimum requirements for his basic human ghoul needs, that is.) but there’s always a caveat. it’s part in why he doesn’t like forming deep, interpersonal connections with people-- why involve yourself when you know you’re going to outlive them? ah, yeah, that old as balls cliché... it pisses him off that he fell for that, too, but... ehh?

well, at least, it makes doing his job thrice as easy. after all, who needs friends when you have cold, hard cash?

nowadays, his inability to die -- by normal means, anyway -- is something he lords over others whenever given a chance. it’s used as both psychological warfare and simple “conquer and devour” tactics against enemies and hits alike. he likes seeing relief wash over their faces when they stab him right in the heart only for the color to instantly drain out of them seconds later when he pulls the knife out and comes at them with it, instead.

yeah, kind of fucked up but... also? fucking hilarious.

#HEADCANON ∕ AIN'T EVER HEAR OF A THING CALLED BOUNDARIES?#hmmm #death tw /#just in case this sort of talk makes ppl anxious bc Felt.JPG

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arty-shadow-morningstar · 3 years

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Graveyard Siblings (4)

I am sorry for not posting in a while. School is a total bitch. Here is part 4 of a fic that is not a fic.

[Masterlist]

(Part 1)(Part 2)(Part 3)

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Tall Marinette.(I admit I might be projecting a little here.)

One day, she took out something from someplace high and the whole family realized that ‘holy shit when did you get so tall?’

Bonus if Jason comes back from a long mission and had a wtf moment because she was wearing 6-inch-heels and met his eyes with them on.

“Pixie?!”

------

You know how Bruce has the identity of Matches Malone to infiltrate the Gotham Underground.

While Jason does the drug deals more street crime stuff, Maria uses an excuse of being the representative for Red Hood excuse to mingle with the rich people who does crime on the side (Penguin), she uses it to go to black market auctions and buy some of the lost miraculouses which got into the hands of black market dealers.

Jason knows about it and acts as her ‘bodyguard’ anytime he can or sends one of his henchmen to be one with a death threat if she gets a single scratch on her.

Bruce is unaware of this. Or is he?

------

Mari helps with running WE since she is a little less busy with the vigilante side of things.

It started with Tim panicking about deadlines and Mari offering to help, to Bruce and Tim bullying the board to have her as co-CEO.

She has to be that and head of Afterlife. So she is very busy. Doesn’t know about what comes next….

------

Somehow the class comes to Gotham for a trip. It has been 3 years since her death.

Mari has changed her appearance since the day she left Paris. She has highlights in her hair after a ‘sibling bonding day’ with Jason. Her hair is kept short for convenience and not in pigtails. Along with her tall height and more confident aura, she is almost unrecognizable.

She rides a motorcycle too.

The class waits in the lobby for the tour and in walks this badass woman with aviator sunglasses, leather jacket and designer clothes which was all MT brand, making a lot of people swoon.

She takes off her glasses and walks past the class. Checking stuff on her phone and sipping coffee in her other hand.

She seems familiar but they couldn’t figure out why. (All except Chloe, Alix and Felix who are snickering in the background.)

Lila sees her and comments on how she must be a criminal with the way she dresses. (Lila internally freaks out because were her eyes messing with her? Because she looked a little like Marinette. Also jealous of the new arrival for stealing all the attention.) Alya takes the bait and calls security to ‘arrest’ her.

They just laugh. The class doesn’t understand, speaking in confused French.

-------------

“I am Maria Todd-Wayne, also known as designer MT. CEO of Afterlife and co-CEO of the very company you are in. I am allowed in here. Don’t judge a book by its cover.” she said in perfect French.

“But Lila told us you can’t speak French.”

“Who?”

“Lila Rossi, your friend. She told us that you and MT were dating.”

“Me dating myself. Okay I love myself because self-love is a thing but that is a whole other level. MT are my initials. Anyone who has a brain could have figured that out or at the very least do a Google search. I am not sure where your friend got that notion.”

“Hey, Bean, come on. We have a long day ahead of us.” Tim reminded her.

“Goodbye but cease the rumours or you would be escorted off the premises.”

As they rode up the elevator, “Tim, why are they here?”

“They are the lucky winners of the Wayne Enterprise Young Prodigies Contest. Why, Maria?”

“Lucky, huh.” She muttered under her breath. She might as well tell him. They are the Bats and they will find out anyway. “They are from my old class, the one you know…”

“Oh. Want me to send them back? I can do that if they are making you uncomfortable.”

“Nah. Too much to deal with. And it is unfair to send them back over a petty grudge. Besides, I could have some fun.”

“Anything that Bruce and I should be worried about?”

“I swear no killing. Just because Jason came back from the dead, hell-bent on killing. Doesn’t mean I am too.”

“Cool, just don’t do any property damage or traumatize our employees.”

“I might need you to erase some footage later and tell Bruce about this.”

“Some brownies, my favourite coffee cake, the ‘special’ brew and you have yourself a deal.”

-----

So basically she just showed up around where the class was ‘by coincidence’.

Talk to a few people and take them out of earshot of the rest of the class.

End the conversation by saying a few things only they and her would know. Insides jokes and secrets. (I pick her old childhood friends like, Nino, Kim and maybe Sabrina)

Uses Trixx to turn into a walking dead version of her 15-year old self and disappears as they freak out about how she knew that secret/story.

Freaks them out further by appearing again in front of the whole class and pretending not to know their previous conversation.

Mari manages to get Lila alone.

I should also say that Lila thought that her curse was making her see MT as Marinette.

It terrifies Lila when she finds out that MT is actually Marinette, not dead but alive after all this time and apparently living the high life she wanted. This fact made the Italian swell up with jealousy.

“I hope you are not lying about me again, Lila Rossi. Like you always do.”

“What do you want with me? I swear I didn’t say anything else about you.”

“Aw, Lila. Don’t recognize me?”

Maria flickers and Ladybug is in her place and later, the Marinette that appeared in her bedroom and back to normal.

“You! How? Why are you here? Why can’t you leave me alone?”

“Why not? I mean you did take away nearly all my friends, my parents and made my life a living hell. If you think about it, I am just repaying you the same favor. How are the others? Treating you well?”

“What did you do to me, you bitch?”

“I just put a curse on you. The ghosts of your past will haunt you until you stop.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop Lying, Liar. They all feed and grow in power from your lies. I wonder what would happen in a few years if you kept this up.”

“You think you can get away with this. This is war and I have already beaten you once.”

“Oh Rossi. This isn’t a war. It’s a death sentence.” With that she disappears.

Lila tries to tell her class that MT is actually Marinette. She is met with crazy looks. Some of them look like they want to believe her but don't because they don’t want to look crazy too.

Oh. Adrien wasn’t on the trip because his mother didn’t want him to go to the crime capital of America although the crime rate has gone down a little due to Hellbat curing some of the city’s bad energy..

Right after Lila told the class about MT, Scarecrow came to steal some Wayne tech and the class got caught in the crossfire. So later, it was brushed off as Lila seeing things due to the fear toxins.

-----

Joker made the mistake of kidnapping her. Once was enough to never try that again.

(It involved the use of nearly all of the Miraculouses, old and new. He was thoroughly humiliated at the end of it and his picture by the time Hellbat was done with him was on the Batfam’s Christmas Card. Like I said she doesn’t kill but making them beg for death was okay.)

It coincided with Jason’s Birthday and the video of the incident was ‘the best birthday present ever.’ The uncensored version was watched at the next undead siblings bonding day. Damian included.

After hearing a few rumours about what happened, most criminals were glad for Hellbat’s rare appearances. (which happens once a month and during really busy time of the year)

There was a time where Penguin was carrying out one of their plans and when Hellbat showed up, all of their thugs surrendered instantly. (No Batman did not pout at the fact that this French girl was more imitating than him.)

Scarecrow used his newest batch of fear toxin on her during the first year after she died.

He was astounded to see her still standing and she later proceeded to beat the crap out of him while being under the toxin’s influences.

He has tried to stay out of her way since then.

She saw Scarecrow as Hawkmoth and said a lot of things in French which scared everyone because she said it with so much hate, anger and in a very menacing tone that everyone is like ‘I am not touching this.’

It took Red Hood and Nightwing to restrain her from further beating Scarecrow up.

He was one of the people who sympathised with the Joker after the Incident.

The next was Riddler being so arrogant in his plans and managed to get Hellbat and Spoiler into a death trap.

“You know I have a few regrets in life. And my final one is that I got captured and am now going to get killed by a walking fashion disaster.”

“Hey! I made this myself. I will have, you know.”

“You have a brilliant mind but no sense of fashion at all. When I get out of here, I am going to burn that thing with you in it, for your crimes against fashion.”

“What is wrong with it?”

Cue a lot of roasting of Riddler’s costume and Spoiler adding more fuel to the fire.

They manage to escape while Riddler is crying on the floor, having an existential crisis.

The thing was no one knows why Riddler was silent the entire week after encountering Hellbat and crying when anyone mentions it.

They now think Hellbat is the scariest one in the Batfamily, second to Batman and tied with Black Bat/Orphan.

The few who find out what really happened in the warehouse that night. Blackmail material on the Riddler.

Three ( four if you count Penguin) of Gotham’s biggest villains of the Rogues Gallery scared of Bats’ newest addition. Hellbat was not someone they wanted to mess with.

---------

Magic crisis stuff. Like a world ending event thing. Dr. Fate says they need the Miraculous jewels but the last mention of them had been in Paris a few years ago and had vanished since then.

Costantine looked at Batman. “You know who you have to call.”

Batman calls Hellbat. Who hasn’t been introduced yet to the JL.

“Ah. Bats. Not that I question your authority or anything but how can your newest ‘ward’ help us?”

She takes off her helmet and reveals her face and more importantly, her earrings.

Tikki comes out of her hiding place.

“I am the current Guardian of the Miracle Box and wielder of the Ladybug miraculous during Hawkmoth’s reign in Paris a few years ago. Any other Questions?”

“Oh great Guardian. Tikki. It is an honour to meet you.”-Wonder Woman, who else.

“You too, Princess Diana. Pass on my regards to your mother.”-Tikki

A huge face-off and the big evil is defeated.

WW asks abt HM and gives a horrified face at the end of her story. Nearly everyone who eavesdropped on the conversation was.

"Forgive me, Guardian for not aiding you in your hour of need.”

“It’s okay. I understand that there are other crises, world-ending ones that JL have to take care of. I am better now. Mostly.”

“I doubt it with those revenge schemes I found lying around. But she is getting there with her therapist.”-Batman

“I hate you, Dad.”

“Did you just call him Dad?”

“No….”

“Do you see me as a father figure?”

“I see you as a nuisance with how nosy you are with my personal business. So you are more of a bother figure.”

“I see you as part of the family too, Daughter.” (Got that reference anyone?)

“Jason was the one who adopted me.”

“Legally you are adopted by me.”

Maria with Pikachu surprised face because nobody told her that. “My life is a lie.”

-------

(Part 5)

#graveyard sibling #platonic jasonette #maribat #mlb x dc #platonic daminette #platonic timinette #some class salt #lila salt #lila bashing #joker doesn't look good here either #platonic! jasonette #siblings jasonette #platonic timminette #marinette and stephanie teaming up to rip into Riddler's costume

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mmikmmik2 · 2 years

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Recently I've been coming around to the theory that Amelia is somehow responsible for ghoms. One of my big problems with the theory was that I couldn't see how that fit into Amelia's arc. Ghoms would have been useless to Amelia in her conflict against One, because we saw One-One and the steward seem to be immune to ghoms in Book One. And the way she was acting in The Castle Car, I don't see her doing anything so destructive without a good reason. So if she made ghoms, it would have had to have been unintentional. That fits the way she talks in The Hey Ho Whoa Car about making things that never should have existed. But I couldn't think of an "Amelia makes ghoms by accident" scenario I found convincing until recently.

Trorb (Train Orb) Recap

As a brief reminder, glowing teal orbs are visible in the innards of train cars that are broken/incomplete or have been opened up by a steward. Each of these orbs seem to contribute fundamental elements of a car.

Amelia caused terrible destruction by sending the steward to harvest orbs as parts to create her own cars. She almost destroyed Corginia and forced its four hundred residents to become refugees. Atticus and Tulip, and young Grace, were almost killed by the steward overreacting to their presence. Over the course of three decades, surely many denizens have had their homes destroyed by Amelia's selfish actions, and many denizens and some passengers have been slain by the steward or accidentally killed by the disruptions to the train.

Ransacking cars for orbs is the only thing we know Amelia did as conductor that hurt other people until she started freaking out about Tulip trying to get to the engine with One in tow. Obviously her Alrick Two goal was inherently terrible, but she would have been sitting miserably but harmlessly in a box for thirty-plus years leaving the train be, if she didn't need those orbs.

It's implied that this behavior is new to Amelia as conductor, by the framing of Amelia's actions, and One-One's attitude towards his cars, and also just logic (how could the train be infinite if One had to cannibalize parts of it to make new cars?). Ergo, One must have been able to create or summon or manifest the orbs he needed, and Amelia could not.

Possible Ghom Scenario

Amelia went from an ordinary passenger, to shadowing One as his apprentice/ethical consultant/bestie/???, to seizing power over all reality to recreate her dead lover from scratch, in the span of couple hours of screentime and maybe a few months of in-universe time. Towards the end of what Book Five would have covered, she declares she won't help other passengers, but is still haltingly trying to explain herself to them and offering a final gesture of help and sympathy. And then in Grace's pumpkin car flashback, Amelia doesn't notice or simply doesn't care that she's only a few yards away from a terrified child who could have been killed by the steward. There was so much ground to cover in Book Five, and even further for Amelia to sink in the aftermath.

I think one way to move her along really quickly would be escalation of commitment. She gets an idea, and she already has her heart set on it - she's already living in that reality and wishing and hoping - and when she realizes it's so much more awful than she had planned, she isn't willing to stop.

So how about this. Amelia cooks up her terrible Alrick Two plan. It makes sense to her, and One has probably basically confirmed the idea would work (you know, setting aside the existential horror) or at least she's convinced herself that he has. She'll make the cars she wants, just like One made the cars he wants.

But when she tries to make an orb for "jam" or "university buildings" or "turtles", it spits out a ghom instead. She can't keep spamming deadly monsters until she gets it right. She realizes she's going to have to steal from the train, and she kind of knows how bad that's going to get, but she convinces herself it'll just be enough to make one car (or maybe a handful? surely this won't take her too long), and it's not that big a deal, and she can't give up now.

Alternately… I generally lean towards thinking ghoms are just another kind of denizen, and when Amelia shot Atticus with her orb gun, she was overwriting his Corgi nature with ghom nature (the same way Tulip shooting with a Corgi orb as ammo was able to turn objects into Corgi versions of themselves). But I have seen people conceptualize it more like the orb gun takes away something from denizens, and the ghom is some kind of corruption or emptiness left behind. I think that could work well with the programming metaphors, like Grace and Simon's "null and void" slang. Think of the weird glitches that can happen in situations like trying to reference an object that's been deleted or turned into a vector of length 0 or whatever. Maybe Amelia thought she could use her orb gun to copy information from pre-existing denizens or cars onto another orb without hurting them, until she tried it, and… yikes.

#infinity train #amelia hughes #ghoms #long post

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dear-wormwoods · 2 years

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i would love a more in depth analysis on kyle’s anxiety 👀

I talked about it a bit here, but basically I think Kyle has anxiety, however, as a nine year old, he views mental health struggles as selfish because 'other people have it worse' or 'everyone deals with [insert issue here]', so he's not about to admit to struggling.

In Buddha Box, he tells Cartman, "I got news for you, Cartman! Everyone has anxiety! Everyone gets nervous! Everyone is afraid being around people! Everyone has feelings they'd rather stay home alone! And you know what they do? They get over it. And they stop being a piece of shit!". And like... there's a lot to unpack there. Yes, everyone experiences anxiety sometimes, but not to the extent that Kyle is describing. Being afraid to be around other people isn't a universal experience, but Kyle assumes it is, because HE feels that way and he's unwilling to admit that it's a problem. He's particularly angry about the Buddha Box because he feels like Cartman is taking advantage of a diagnosis that he personally just deals with every day. Kyle is high functioning and feels that everyone else should be able to face life the same way he does.

In a way, he has a point - he says it in a dickish kind of way, yes, but he's not WRONG. The only way to overcome anxiety is to face it. Avoiding anxiety-inducing situations only feeds it and makes it worse. That's what makes Cognitive Behavioral Therapy particularly helpful for people with anxiety. It's not quite "getting over it" like Kyle says in the heat of the moment, but facing it does help to lessen it, and Kyle has always been good about facing his anxieties instead of hiding from them. He knows from personal experience that the Buddha Box will only make things worse for people, and Cartman IS taking advantage, which infuriates him.

Kyle's anxiety most obviously manifests as extreme guilt when he does something wrong or when he has reason to fear his parents. He also puts a ton of pressure on himself to be a good person and ruminates on situations where he knows he isn't in the right. In Toilet Paper he's plagued by nightmares due to guilt, in Good Times With Weapons he's so terrified by his mom that he's willing to kill Butters, in Crack Baby Athletic Association he doesn't appear to even SLEEP because he's so stressed out about the situation he's in, instead choosing to rant to Stan about it in the middle of the night, etc. He also has his pee phobia and germaphobia which was the main focus of Pee and further developed in Turd Burglars. In addition he's a perfectionist and gets really hung up on perceived flaws in himself, especially in The List. He also gets SO preoccupied with and worked up about what is/isn't reality in Tooth Fairy Tats that he ends up having an existential crisis. I'd also argue that his actions in Super Hard PCness are the result of post-traumatic stress from Ginger Cow, though that can't be proven. I've seen some people suggest he has scrupulosity OCD, which is also an anxiety disorder, though I'm not sure I would go that far personally, despite him being very morally driven. I think he has general anxiety, with some social anxiety thrown in during the later seasons after repeatedly being mistreated by his peers and the adults in town for things like making speeches or speaking his mind about something.

I think a lot of the blame for Kyle viewing struggling as selfishness or weakness can be put on Gerald. Gerald responds to Kyle's anxiety by being completely dismissive. In Oh, Jeez he says, "Kyle, you've gotta lighten the fuck up, buddy. Every day with you it's 'Dad, I feel guilty about this. Dad, I'm so confused about that.' You're a kid. You're supposed to just laugh and make fun of shit. Stop being such a pussy, okay pal? Fuck." This is in response to Kyle expressing anxious feelings to him and reaching out for help and guidance, and if that's how Gerald consistently treats him then it's no wonder he turns around and internalizes that. 'Other people have it worse than me so I just need to get over it' becomes his mantra which he then projects onto other people, like Stan or Cartman.

I know this doesn't seem to make a great case for him being a good counselor, but I actually think it does. Kyle understands the NEED to have guidance and support from adults, but it's not something he ever got from his father or anyone at school (Strong Woman dismissed him in Super Hard PCness, and Mr. Mackey completely failed to listen to his concerns in Taming Strange because he was too preoccupied with IntelliLink). I also think that through simply getting older and then taking psychology classes, he'd come to terms with his own struggles and start to recognize the validity of other people's feelings in addition to understanding the power of facing things head on instead of avoiding them.

So yeah, I hope that all makes sense!

#asks #south park #kyle broflovski #sp meta #meta #my meta #rambling about kyle

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nevertheless-moving · 3 years

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Suicidal Misunderstanding XX

Part I - - - - - - - - - - Part XVII - - - - Part XVIII - - - - Part XIX

Star Wars Time Travel AU #27

“I want you to understand that what we’re going to ask of you is entirely beyond the scope of duty and therefore completely voluntary. You are more than free to refuse participation, at any point, with absolutely no consequences.”

Deep within the Healing Halls best-kept medical secret, Eights quelled beneath the full might of the GAR’s highest and most lauded Generals. Yeah I’m sure whatever they ask I’m going to want to say no. Honestly, what kind of soldiers have they been working with?

“What can I do to help, sir? Sirs?”

“I know this might be shocking, but we have reason to believe the GAR is...compromised.”

“Sir?”

Eights thought furiously. This wasn’t about the healers who were hiding them, or the Jedi his battalion never received, or the decommissioning he had escaped. This was bigger.

The General Windu spoke calmly, “We suspect that you may have been trained or conditioned at some point without your knowledge to unquestioningly follow orders, orders that would usually be beyond what you would typically obey. With your permission, we’d like to try and activate that order in a restrained environment in order to gain more information, with the hope of finding a way to help the troops resist.”

“I’m sorry, sir. I don’t understand. You’re just going to give me an order and ask me...not to obey it?”

General Koon nodded (General Koon! General Koon and General Windu were talking to him at the same time!). “In a manner of speaking, yes. But it’s possible that the order will do more than that. The only way we believe this could possibly work” Koon glanced to the man at his side. “And we...do believe this threat is real, is if you suffer from some form of brainwashing. Activating it might cause irreparable brain damage. Activating it might damage or kill the parts of you that make you you. Even if it doesn’t- the ideal scenario is we find something- an intentionally designed tumor perhaps- and surgically remove it. And brain surgery also has its own risks.”

Eights swallowed around a lump in his throat.

“And this is something that could be going on with...my entire batch?”

General Kenobi winced. “The entire GAR I’m afraid. Every clone.”

The General of the 212th! Commander Cody’s General was here! Talking to him! Telling him existentially terrifying ultra classified intel!

The trooper stared up from bed in disbelief. If anyone besides three of most respected generals in the entire GAR (not including Buir Ti) was telling him this he would accuse them of bantha crap fear-mongering, if not outright treason. Instead he was just...outraged.

“What would the order make me...us...do?”

Windu took a deep breath. “Attack us. Try and kill the Jedi.”

“I would never.” Eights straightened up even further. “We would never betray the Jedi- it’s- never. We were made for the Jedi and even if we weren’t- you’re the only ones who treat us with an ounce of respect.”

“No one is questioning your loyalty,” the kind Mon Cal healer (whose name he had never asked for fear of getting her in trouble if this ward was ever discovered) said, obviously trying to sooth him. She spoke with heart-breaking earnestness. “The fact that you would never choose to obey such a command just makes the possibility of something forcing you to do so that much more horrifying.”

“How would something like that even get in our heads? The longnecks designed us to serve the Jedi, why... I’m sorry Generals. I didn’t mean to get out of line.”

“No need to apologize. You have every right to be angry about this intrusion, as well as any number of things,” General Kenobi reassured him, smiling sadly. “We don’t know to what extent the Kaminoans are involved with this plot. Not precisely.”

Eights nodded, clenching his one remaining fist. “I’ll do it. Whatever you need from me. I can’t let my brothers have something this big looming over them without any intel.” I’m not exactly front-lines material anymore anyway.

“Are you sure?” Mace Windu’s eyes seemed to stare into his soul. Eights stared right back.

“I am. When do we start?”

It didn’t take long to shave the soldier and connect a number of glowing vital readers to his skull. He was ushered into a chambered observation room with what appeared to be a sfaraday cage hastily built around it.

“Alright, whenever you’re ready.” Bant (Master Eerin apparently, but she told him to call her Bant) said.

“I’m ready, sir.”

“Let’s start off small, see if we can learn anything without fully activating the order.”

General Kenobi took in a deep breath. He looked calm, but Jedi always did. The General took in another breath. Kriff, two deep breaths. That’s Jedi for freaking out, isn’t it? Right?

Fuck.

“Does Order 66 mean anything to you?” General Kenobi braced himself, staring intently at the trooper in his seat.

Eights wracked his brain furiously. Sixty-Six...that was...

“It’s...a little familiar? Sorry sir, I feel like I’ve heard it somewhere but...I can’t recall.”

“That’s perfectly alright trooper, not to worry.”

A Twilek healer he didn’t recognize spoke into a micomphone from the other side of a transparisteel window. “His frontal lobe might be lighting up a little, but it’s nothing abnormal, and not enough to triangulate for anything intrusive.”

After several variations on the same question as well as a number of scans of different ‘levels,’ the questioning escalated to orders, as well an extremely uncomfortable mock fight that he would probably tell his grandchildren about, provided he survived today, and also was allowed to have grandchildren.

Still, Eights couldn’t quite recall ever learning an Order 66 and was starting to relax, thinking the whole thing was some sort of horrible separatist lie.

They left him alone for an uncertain amount of time before returning with-

“Quickdraw?!” Eights jumped up at the sight of his commanding officer arriving via hoverchair, nervously saluting with his left hand.”I didn’t know you were here!”

“Just got out of bacta. My spine’s not quite what it used to be after the blast,” the lieutenant responded wryly. “At ease, Eights.”

“Our apologies again for waking you prematurely,” General Koon said softly.

Quickdraw waved the General off. “I’m honored you did. For something as serious this- well I’d hardly forgive myself if I just slept through it.”

Quickdraw locked eyes with Eights. “I’m supposed to try giving you ‘the order’ now- General Kenobi suspects that as your superior officer, I might be authorized to trigger whatever the hell the longnecks put in our heads.”

Eights swallowed hard. “The longnecks, sir?”

“Who else?” Quickdraw asked in a tone drier than Jakku. He spun in the chair to face General Koon. “How are we doing this?”

After a brief discussion, the troopers ended up on opposite sides of a sound-proof transparisteel divider, an comm channel open between them. Eights plugged his ears and gave the order first. And giving Quickdraw an order was almost but not quite as weird as giving an order that would apparently make him try and kill Jedi.

Nothing happened and they swapped, this time with Quickdraw using a waxy covering to block his hearing.

His lieutenant stared at him straight through the clear divider and ordered him to execute Order 66. This time he finally remembered his training, and realized he was woefully outgunned. Oh well, he was a good soldier.

Eights stood up. The only visible change in his expression was a widening of his pupils. There was no malicious intent palpable in the force- he didn’t even look angry- just determined.

He lunged at the Jedi next to him, only to hit an invisible wall. He threw himself at the barrier desperately while the traitor backed out of the room and escaped. The wall finally dropped, but it was too late, he was locked in.

Sighing, he picked up the chair with his one good arm, slamming it repeatedly at the door frame. Good soldiers follow orders.

On the other side of the observation window, Quickdraw stumbled back horrified, reaching for his ears before hesitating. General Koon softly tapped his shoulder and indicated they should leave.

“I’ve got a location.” Master Che said quietly as the lieutenant was ushered into an antechamber and the activated trooper continued to beat at the door. “It’s a small but clear patch lit up like the festival of lights- I don’t know why it didn’t turn up in scans but...I’m as confident as I can be. Worst case- it’s a small enough area that removing the grey matter shouldn’t...well it won’t kill him. It’s enough to go on for microscapel surgery.” General Koon nodded, then tilted forward, weight falling heavily in his palms on the counter before him.

Vokara rested a hand gently on his back “...I was hoping it wasn’t true as well.”

Master Koon flinched away. “I am sorry and glad to say you do not understand my feelings on the matter. I think...my apologies but I need some time to meditate.”

“Of course.”

Koon rushed out. After a moment Master Windu stepped in, radiating similar distress as Master Koon. Master Kenobi followed, looking grim but also happy.

‘Oh I’m glad Koon isn’t around him right now,’ Healer Che thought wryly.

Perhaps sensing the mood, Obi-Wan sobered.

“I’m sorry it’s just- I didn’t actually see the order get activated. Of course I believed it wasn’t a choice- and I’m obviously not glad that anyone’s will could be taken so easily-”

“You don’t have to explain anymore,” Mace offered quietly. “I can understand why seeing this would be something of a relief, all things considered.”

The Head Healer nodded in agreement before taking charge. “Kenobi, go in with Eerin and help her sedate him. I’ll prepare for surgery.”

“Wait- shouldn’t we try other permutations first? It’s possible that once activated, a clone might be able to order a superior officer-”

“And it’s also possible that if a lieutenant is activated, the entire army will turn,” Mace snapped. Obi-Wan bent his head, chastised.

“Right. Yes. I’ll go- find Bant.”

An extremely long hour later, Master Che returned from surgery. Masters Mundi, Koth, and Yoda had left to and fulfill the other thousand and one duties of a council member not unravelling a Sith conspiracy at the heart of the Republic, while Master Aerdo had been dispatched to talk with Quickdraw as well as some of the other troopers in the hidden Medical bay.

“It’s a chip,” Vokara said grimly. “Native biological material, but clearly a chip. Like you would find in a droid. Far more complex than any slave chip I’ve ever seen, and no explosive component. It would only turn up on a level five brain scan. I didn’t even think to run it before- it’s overly invasive and typically useless.”

The reduced meeting crumpled at the sight of the infinitesimally small object of control, carefully encased in a stasis slide and placed delicately on the conference table.

Proof of Obi-Wan’s future, a future that the group thought they already believed.

“We should get Master Nu,” Adi Gallia said quickly, “We’ll want our top researchers analyzing it as soon as possible.”

Koon nodded sharply. “Agreed.”

The Tholothian Master stood, “I’ll go at once- we should probably keep any mention of this off comms.”

As Master Gallia swept out of the room, Plo Koon wrenched his gaze from the stasis slide to face the healer. “Master Che, what is Eight’s status?”

“Unconscious and restrained, but he should wake up soon enough. It...might not be a bad idea to have another Jedi nearby when he does.”

Koon and Che left the room, taking the chip with them and conferring quietly.

Obi-Wan leaned forward, elbows on the table and face in his hands.

Master Windu exchanged a glance with Anakin.

Finally Obi-Wan spoke, tentatively addressing Bant, “Could it be possible for someone...besides a clone to be chipped? If Palpatine had access to them as a child...”

Bant drew back, gaze flickering to Anakin. “I- we would have to study it more-”

Anakin interrupted, shifting in his seat. ”Master- what did I do?”

“It- it wasn’t you. It wasn’t you anymore that the person who fired on me was Cody.”

Bant exchanged a glance with Mace, before clearing her throat with a soft gurgle. “Perhaps we should leave the two of you alone to talk this through.”

The Mon Cala Healer stood and exited rapidly. Windu exchanged a glance with Skywalker before he left. “Talk through everything, understood?” Anakin nodded.

The door shut, leaving Master and Padawan alone. “I feel like I’m missing more than two and a half days,” Obi-Wan muttered wryly. “I don’t remember you three having a non-verbal communication system consisting of eye-contact alone before.”

Anakin chuckled once then immediately grew somber, picking at a loose thread in the sleeve of his robe. A thousand thoughts were swirling in his head, and he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

“I- did I hurt you? Is that- is that why you stabbed me, you thought you were defending-”

“I did what?!” Obi-Wan paled, jumping up from his seat.

Anakin winced. “It’s nothing, that’s actually not important. I’m healed anyway so forget I mentioned it-”

Obi-Wan moaned, stumbling backwards over the fallen chair. “Of force- when you were trying to save me- I had a blade. I cut you down-” He tripped backwards, collapsing to the ground.

“Master!” Anakin lurched forwards, but the older Jedi scrambled back.

“I forgot my spray bottle in there,” Bant whispered outside the door. “Do you think it’s too late to go back for it?”

Mace peered subtly through the small window in the door. “Yes. They’re already on the ground. I think they’re both crying.”

“It’s been less than a minute!”

“Yes.”

“...We should go.”

“Yes.”

Unaware of their muffled audience, the two continued their conversation.

“Don’t- don’t touch me!” Obi-Wan gasped, back hitting a wall. “I don’t- I don’t deserve-”

The young knight reared back, falling from a crouch to his knees, “Is this...about the Tuskens again?

Obi-Wan blinked in confusion. “The Tuskens? What about Tuskens?”

“You don’t...remember?” The air grew cold and Anakin forced himself to continue, “What- what we talked about in the cave?”

“What we- I-” Obi-Wan thought furiously. “...Anakin. What did...what were you apologizing for in the cave? What- what did you think we were talking about?”

“Oh gods.” Anakin paled now, shuffling back.

“What are they doing now?” Bant asked the taller Master.

“They’re taking turns chasing each other back and forth on their hands and knees. They both look like they’re seconds away from passing out or throwing up.”

“I...is this a human thing?”

“No. What? Why would you think that?”

“I don’t know! Do you think this is how they usually talk to each other?”

“I think perhaps they don’t talk to each other, and that’s why they’re like this.”

“Right, right... I really want to hear what they’re saying.”

“Hm. I don’t.”

“Why are you also standing outside the door then?”

“I want to be ready to intervene if they start trying to kill each other.”

“FORCE”

“Quiet!”

“Sorry. Sorry. You think they fought then? In the...other timeline?”

“...It would explain Obi-Wan’s shatterpoint remnants better than anything else.”

“Not to mention the spice.”

“I thought we were politely ignoring the spice.”

“...and then I brought her back to the homestead for burial.” Anakin bowed his head, tears streaming against his will. “I thought...Master I know I can’t fix this but I’m sorry- I already stepped down from my position as General so I wouldn’t be in a position to kill anyone else- I need you to forgive me.”

“Oh Anakin.”

“What? What happened?” Bant asked urgently.

The Master of the Order appeared unruffled in the force and human visible light, but the tips of his ears were heating up in infrared. She stood on her toes to see in.

“Oh- they’re hugging? Seriously? That’s what you’re embarrassed to see?”

“They’re clinging to each other like younglings. It’s undignified for a Jedi Master and Knight”

“Alright that’s it- we’re going. I really don’t think Anakin’s going to jump from crying and hugs to murder.”

Unaware of their newfound privacy, the two inside withdrew from their embrace, still sniffling slightly.

“Thank you, Master,” Anakin said in a shaky tone. “I swear I won’t let you down, I’m going to do better.”

“I know, my padawan, I know. I’m going to be there to help you this time, I’m not going to leave you alone with- well I’m not going to leave you alone.”

Anakin smiled wetly at Obi-Wan’s careful avoidance of Chancellor Palpatine’s supposed Sith alter ego, refocusing on Obi-Wan and making intense eye contact.

“What did you think we were talking about?”

Obi-Wan looked down. “It doesn’t matter,” he whispered. “It- it never happened.”

“Ori’vod, please. You- you mentioned younglings. I did something else unforgivable didn’t I?”

Obi-Wan smiled but didn’t look up. “And i forgave you anyway. Even when I thought your apology was just a fantasy. But it wasn’t, it was real, and- and the people actually are unmurdered so...it’s not worth talking about it.”

Anakin bit the inside of his cheek, gut roiling. “You...really think I might have a chip in me?”

Obi-Wan’s eyes snapped up. “I...don’t know. I didn’t even know that Cody had a chip in him.”

“You just...were suddenly betrayed by everyone.”

“Not...everyone. Most who refused to fall in line were executed, of course, but there were a few senators who stood with the Jedi, secretly.”

A new wave of cold terror passed over Anakin. “What happened with the other senators?”

“Like I said to the council earlier, from what I heard they cheered Palpatine on. Thunderous applause.”

“That’s not what I mean- Padme, Was Padme alright?”

Obi-Wan buried his face in his hands, shuddering.

“Anakin- I don’t know what to tell you,” he said in muffled voice. “I don’t want to deceive you but- things were dark. If I tell you everything now, I’m afraid of what you’ll do.”

Anakin winced. “I don’t want you to be afraid of me. I’m not...evil. I just...I messed up, and I want to make things better.”

Obi-Wan sighed, and pulled Anakin so they were seated next to each other in a mirror of the false peace a few days earlier. Anakin leaned into his Master’s side, feeling the cold retreat. “You’re not evil Anakin, but what you did to the Tusken village wasn’t exactly a small thing. I- look- Ad’ika-”

Obi-Wan hesitantly placed an arm around Anakin’s shoulder and the cold retreated a bit more.

“If the council accepts my plan, we’re going to have time together over the next few weeks, to talk more about...everything. We’re going to end the war- save everyone. I know the cave wasn’t what either of us thought it was, but it still meant the galaxy to me. I love you, no matter what...and that conversation, what you said. Well, it gave me the strength to go on, to do what I needed to.” Obi-Wan froze. “Not my, um, self-inflected injuries- that’s- obviously that wasn’t your fault-”

“You thought you were hallucinating. I know.” Anakin smiled, feeling honestly amused at the absurdity situation for the first time. “I’m going to mock you for that for the rest of our lives, you know that, right?”

“I look forward to it.” Obi-Wan smiled.

A vise that had been clenched around Anakin’s heart since he broke down the door to their apartment finally relaxed. “You really weren’t trying to kill yourself,” he sighed happily.

“I was attempting to stay alive. Honestly concerned about dehydration. I wanted to stay in the daydream, but I knew I couldn’t. And part of that was because you gave me the strength to keep going. Sorry I did such a bad job honoring that but, well. You know. Thank you, Anakin. For saving me twice over.” Obi-Wan’s voice was utterly earnest, though it was a touch more embarrassed than he was used to after the single day of utter unrestraint.

Anakin’s eyes welled up. “I’ve been- I hated that you would just leave like that, give up-”

“Never Anakin,” Obi-Wan vowed. “I will never give up on you, or this galaxy.”

He twisted so he could throw both arms around his padawan.

“I swear by everything I am I will keep going. It’s... in my nature but gods is it easier with you besides me.”

“Even though i’m a child murderer twice over and once removed?” Anakin joked weakly, clinging desperately to Obi-Wan’s presence.

Obi-Wan shuddered. “Too soon, Anakin. Too soon.”

Part XXI

#star wars #my au #star wars au no 27 #suicidal misunderstanding au #star wars au #starwars

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starvels · 2 years

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From the anon the prompted and loved your “AI Tony and Ghost Steve have an argument about souls” fic, comes the question,

Ghost Tony and AI Steve have an existential crisis together

Aka, Tony get confirmation that he had a soul this whole time, and Steve gets to be mad that someone (Ultron? Doom? Red Skull, Tony?!?!??) digitized him to this extent. (Maybe it was punishment, maybe it was the answer to a crisis and this was somehow a solution, maybe someone couldn’t let do)

(Not a prompt so much as a brain tickler)

hi darlin'! i hope you are well :')))

you have the funnest ideas! this is a delightful role reversal.

my question is, WOULD tony take this as confirmation of a soul OR WOULD he take it as proof of eternal suffering that he's earned, to never be at actual peace? or maybe both, okay he has a soul but its still not...allowed to end, to rest at the end of things?

i feel like ghost tony would absolutely be at his UNHINGING END with his lack of ability to affect the world around him in any tangible way. not able to touch, to problem solve, to be heard even - would render him so helpless? no chance of fixing his own cataclysmic fate, just kinda doomed be an inactive particle floating along other people's choices. seeing people suffering, unable to do anything for them.

i firmly believe that stagnancy is a circle of hell for tony stark.

for AI steve, i totally agreeee. he'd be hornier than a puffed toad. full sense of betrayal, definitely lashing out at ghost tony, but also i think bowled over by the cognitive differences that being an AI engenders in him? protocols, look-ups, wet ware connections? does he have an LMD? is he amorphous? he would struggle with both having a fake body and not having a body at all.

he'd probably be a bit terrified and distraught that tony is dead and that means potentially there is no one around to 'fix' him? is his body still around actually?

two wild possibilities have occurred to me, writing this:

steve always was a form of AI. his brainwaves were somehow copied and pasted onto the super soldier body the US army grew in a lab.

tony wakes up a ghost after having discovered this, seems conclusively killed because of this knowledge and now has to break it to steve, who is anything but amused by this joke. but the more and more time steve spends as an AI he realizes the truth and an existential crises hits him like a brick to the face. meanwhile, tony is trying to manage steve, keep him going instead of shutting down, and also try to figure out how this was possible in the 1940's, AND maybe slightly more importantly - who exactly killed tony for knowing steve was an AI and who stuck steve in a computer terminal?? can tony catch a fucking break?? he's already dead, how much worse can it get, etc. mystery, intrigue, plot, yearning, maybe a happy ending?? can tony please get a waffle??/

tony has to teach steve how to code/engineer/build a new body (with as little mech or as much as your brain thinks is sexy, obvs) for himself because steve refuses to stay as a hologram.

its all endless time together without the need for sleep or basic human functions like superheroing interrupting them and they get to talking about all the things they both have forgotten and remember and blah blah they fall in LOVE, ALREADY WERE, NEVER HAVEN'T BEEN, ETC. BUT IT;S DOOMED bc tony is dead for good :)))) and the more they share, the more at peace tony feels and the further he fades into the afterlife. and steve realizes this and cries, etc. and tries to sabotage his own body and tony stops him and says i want you to live on, that's what i need to be at peace, i know now. and steve's like, that's such an asshole thing to put on my shoulders, i hate you, don't do this to me. and tony says i need you to live. steve says i need you to be alive and tony says, only one of these things are possible, steve. so it's! unhappy ending?? magical intervention?? pain either way? :) pain either way.

ANYWAYS. good prompts buddy ✨👌

#stevetony #616 #steve rogers #tony stark #ai steve rogers #ghost tony stark #fic talk #ficspo #our talk #ainon #that's ur cute name anon

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thewhovianperson · 3 years

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Inspired by a post I saw about Martha travelling with each doctor, I'm gonna now try and do each companion from Susan through to Present Day travelling with each doctor. Hopefully I keep the motivation to do this, as I want to make it through to Dan. I'm going to do them at a rate of 1 a week. Anygays, without further ado, here is Susan paired with every doctor:

1. Post-TDIOE, she would probably be happy to see them again. I get the feeling she would be right pissed off at them though for leaving her with another man at 15 years old. Yeah... the '60s... what a time... However 1 would soon get back into her good books by doing something suitably heroic now that they're not an asshole, and she would be happy with them again.

2. She would be SO CONFUSED. Like, imagine if your old cranky grandad who kept going on about how back in his day it was all better went out and got a smartphone, and became a professional clown. That's essentially what happened here. I think she'd love travelling with them though, as they would be supportive of her wishes and interests, and would be a friendly parent figure to her in her life.

3. Now we're talking. I feel like 3 is going to pair well with most companions on this list to be honest, but let's see with Susan. I think she'd initially be terrified - the things 3 faces are generally a lot scarier than rats in a french dungeon, so there would be an initial fear factor to get over, and she may or may not manage that. However, she would aBsolUtelY try and set The Doctor and The Master up on a blind date to try and fix their antagonistic relationship, and she would also attempt to move UNIT away from military operations and into science. I could see this going either way at the end of the day, she would either have the time of her life here or she would be too scared to get much done.

4. Oh lord. Yeah, 4 is very Alien. Even by 1's standards 4 is a weird one. I think Susan would honestly be weirded out by just how quirky and insane they were, and I think that even though their attempts at humour would be good and make her laugh once in a while, she would not enjoy this as much as she would enjoy other pairings.

5. 5's calmer persona would be quite comforting to Susan, and I think she would appreciate the younger companions who she could relate to more. But I think that 5's argumentative side, as well as the death of Adric, could make things difficult for her and she may not enjoy it as much as she otherwise could have.

6. BF 6? Yeah she'd chill but maybe be a little annoyed at how their arrogance was returning. TV 6? Hell no. Fuck no. Absolutely not. 6 had some fucked up moments and I think that Susan would want to stay as far away from Joseph and his technocolour dreamcoat as possible.

7. She would probably be very confused as to why 1 had never told her of all these plans that it seems they concocted while in Totter's Junkyard. However she would also probably be one of the only safe companions with them, as The Doctor would be loathe to put their granddaughter in danger. So honestly I think she could enjoy herself here.

8. I don't know 8 too well, so I'm going to go off what I've heard. Essentially she would have fun at first, and find their adventures interesting. However as 8's adventures got steadily more and more fucked up, I can see Susan wanting out.

War. No. Just... no. Susan doesn't need this level of trauma. (I haven't listened to Susan's War yet, so don't spoil that please).

9. Susan would not be happy that 9 had reverted to the ruder side of the personality, but is slightly telepathic and would probably pick up on their need for major therapy. I feel like 9 would meet Susan, spend a day being 9, and then suddenly be in a calming room while someone asked them "how does that make you feel?", because 9 would eventually listen to Susan after a breakdown.

10. Hell yeah, Susan would be all for this "cool dad" approach that 10 would take with her, and would probably also quickly get their mind off Rose and out of the dumpster by virtue of just existing. She would have some AMAZING chemistry with Jenny - they would both sass 10 to space, and Donna would be cheering them on from the sidelines.

11. Yeah no, Susan has a low scare tolerance, and while 11's first season is alright for that, the second The Silence entered the equation she would be out of there. Not sure how she'd deal with River either, I think that could either go well or really badly. Regardless, I don't see her making it past Day of the Moon without wanting out.

12. While 11's adventures were fuckterrifying in a creepy way, 12's are usually fuckterrifying in an existential way and I think that Susan, being the thinking sort, could deal with that. I think she would love 12, and if she ever met Bill it would cause a universal explosion of young and gay. She would quickly get them out of their "am I good" state, and quickly into their "rock star" phase, and would be all there for it. She would love travelling with 12.

13. Series 11 13? Oh yeah, she would be down for this. Fun adventures, nice family environment, friendly Doctor? Yeah this is what Susan would want and honestly I think this could be the best pairing on the list. Series 12 13? Nope. That's a lot of trauma.

Ruth. Yeah no, Ruth would have no time for her screaming and I don't think Susan would last three adventures.

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canon-transgender-virgil · 3 years

Text

Check In (Intrulogical)

A/N: Finished this fic relatively quickly! It's a lot shorter than the Roceit one I posted earlier this week but it's still kinda a long fic lol!

Summary: Directly following the events of WTIT, Remus pops into Logan's room for what he claims is a quick chat, but that quickly grows into something more when the two actually get to talking.

Content Warnings: innuendos, swearing, intrusive thoughts, implied NS/FW (but nothing happens, dw), hurt-comfort

Logan had taken shelter in his room the moment Thomas got home from his outing with Nico. The logical side couldn’t stand to be around the other sides at the moment and he needed to sort out what was going on in his head.

The spectacled side took a deep breath and sat at his desk, staring at the wooden tabletop before slamming his fist down on it. “Fuck!” He yelled at the top of his lungs, infinitely thankful for the magic soundproofing around everyone’s rooms. What would the others think if they heard the rational, level headed (yeah right) Logic yelling expletives at random in his room?

He straightened his tie and glasses and got up, summoning a straw dummy labeled “Thomas”. He stood in front of it and glared at the doll, visibly angry, before he began ranting to it. He talked and talked, yelling at the dummy about how angry he was at being constantly ignored and pushed aside and made fun of, and if the familiar 10 notes announcing a certain Creativity’s presence hadn’t gotten his attention, he would have continued.

“My my Logan, you’ve got so much to say and no one to say it to, huh!” The moustached side raised an eyebrow, smirking at the nerd.

“...what do you want, Remus.” Logan’s words were curt, like he was trying to say just little enough to make the Dark Side leave.

“Gosh, I can’t just talk to a friend?-”

“We are not friends.”

“Ouch!” Remus pretended to be injured. “You’re so prickly, like a kinda sexy cactus! What’s up your ass today?”

Logan stopped and consulted his flashcards, hearing Remus snicker at this and trying to ignore the fact that his face was burning slightly. “Um… Ah.” He found the card he was looking for and examined it a little. “Nothing is ‘up my ass’ today, Remus. You know full well why I’m upset.”

“Uh huh, cuz I called you out on your lying ass.” He sounded irritatingly proud of that fact.

“Yes, well, you got what you wanted. Are you just here to rub it in my face?” Logan stared at Remus, though he noticeably avoided direct eye contact with the gremlin of a side.

Remus frowned. “No, actually.”

“Then you’re here to make me… feel… worse, correct?”

“Nope!” The green-sashed monster grinned.

“Then what do you possibly hope to gain from this interaction?” The blue tied Side frowned. Remus wasn’t here to bug him, or to upset him further? What reason, then, did he have to come to Logan’s room?

“It’s like I said earlier, I wanted to talk to you!”

“...what about?”

Remus shrugged. “I dunno! What do you wanna talk about?”

Logan blinked. “...excuse me?”

“Yeah! Let’s hear what you wanna talk about!” The Duke sat down on Logan’s bed and grinned up at him.

“...” The teacher was silent. “...you’re mocking me, aren’t you?”

“Huh?” Remus blinked and raised an eyebrow. “Why would I-?”

“Yes, I figured as much. Remus, I don’t have time for your games and if you’re simply going to make fun of me you can just-”

“Woah! Pump the brakes Lo, who said I was making fun of you?” The green side looked legitimately confused.

Logan crossed his arms. “Remus, statistically speaking, a total of… Zero sides share any of my interests. A total of three sides have shown aversion to or have mocked the things I consider interesting or enj- er, have a vague liking towards. Why should I believe you aren’t here to add to the latter set of data?”

“First of all, because I sat through that whole talk.” Remus joked. Seeing that Logan just rolled his eyes, he continued. “And secondly, because we also have some of the same interests! Your census of mockery only includes J-Anus, Emo Boy, Hop-Pop Patton and my dumbass brother!”

“Really? Then what are some of those shared interests, oh Duke of Imaginary Death?”

“That was terrible, one.” Remus held up his pointer finger. “And two, we both like chemistry, and poisoning, and astronomy-”

“Wait wait wait.” Logan held a hand up to silence Remus for a moment. “You… like astronomy?”

“Sure! What’s more existentially terrifying than imagining going hurtling right into the sun, or a black hole, or-” Remus’s eyes widened as he talked about the possibilities.

“Thank you, Remus.” Logic sighed. “But… why talk with… me?”

“Cuz… I kinda owe it to you? After being a dickhead all day?”

Logan blinked. “You didn’t have a phallus for a head today?-”

“Figure of speech, teach.” Remus explained curtly.

Logan ‘ah’d’ and nodded.

“And anyways… I wanted to apologize.”

That caused Logan to stop. “...you… wanted to apologize… to me?”

“Yeah, it’s weird for me too, but it’s true! I didn’t mean to make you so mad you - figuratively - blew up, I just wanted to prove a point.”

“I appreciate your use of the word figuratively Remus, and… thank you.”

“No problem!” Remus grinned and thought for a second. “So… wanna talk about forensics?”

Logan’s eyes lit up. “Do I ever!-” He stopped. “Ah, uh, I mean… If you’d like to…?”

Remus giggled. “Cute! But you don’t have to hide that, not around me at least!”

“...thank you…” Logan smiled softly and the duke’s heart just about stopped.

“Uh, um… no problem Nerdy Wolverine.” Remus smiled weakly at the cute nerd.

The logical side rolled his eyes and playfully pushed Remus’s shoulder, which brought the moustached side’s attention to just how touch starved he was - a problem for another day, Mus.

“So what d'ya wanna talk about? Black lights, true crime?”

“Both interesting conversations, but… how about another topic you mentioned earlier?” Logan sounded timid, like he was scared Remus would stop listening if he dared to change the subject.

“Oh? What’d you have in mind?” The intrusive thot tilted his head at a sickening 180 degree angle, but that didn’t seem to bother Logan.

“You mentioned being fascinated by astrology as well. Would you like to talk about that?”

“Of course I would, my nerdy Astro-Boy Toy~” Remus laughed at his own nickname, to which Logan rolled his eyes again. “What about space, starlight?”

Logan’s smile grew ever so slightly, thankfully drawing Remus’s attention to that as opposed to his pink cheeks. “Well… let’s talk about constellations. You’re a storyteller of sorts, what’s your favorite constellation origin story?”

“Ooh, how fun!” Remus grinned. “Well, I personally love the story of Aquila, the king who got turned into a golden eagle messenger thing because Zeus got jealous of how much people liked him! You know, he’s the one who brought Zeus his cupbearer, Ganymede? That’s where the Aquarius constellation comes from! He was some Trojan prince, he ended up being the god of homosexual love! Historians think his name was a euphemism, since it’s a combination of the Greek words for ‘gladdening’ and ‘genitals’!”

Logan nodded and watched Remus explain the stories, smiling at how enthusiastically Remus shared the information. Remus noticed this and stopped. “Well, how ‘bout you, teach?”

“Huh?” Logan blinked, being pulled from his thoughts by the sound of Remus’s voice.

“You wanted to talk about constellations! What’s your favorite story?”

“Oh, um… I enjoy the story of Orion, the hunter who killed so many innocent creatures that Gaea sent a large scorpion to kill him and then put both of them in the stars for all eternity.”

“Huh! So that Scorpio constellation…?”

“Yes, that’s its origin story as well.” Logan smiled.

“Funny! I would never have guessed it!” That wasn’t true. Remus knew each and every constellation origin story like the back of his palm. He loved Greek mythology, but the only thing he loved more than that was seeing how Logan’s face lit up when he got to explain it. “Any other stories?”

The teacher blinked and adjusted his glasses. “Oh, um… I also enjoy the Cassiopeia story…”

The duke’s face brightened, eagerly awaiting Logan’s explanation. The spectacled astronomer’s face turned pink when he realized this, not sure what to do with this sort of attention.

“Well, Cassiopeia was a queen in Ancient Greece and she claimed to be the most beautiful thing in creation, which Posideon took personally since he had made what he considered to be the most beautiful creatures, and those were the sea nymphs. So Posideon sent Cetus, this giant sea monster, to torment the town, and he told the citizens that if they wanted him to get rid of the monster, Cassiopeia would have to apologize. She didn’t, so they asked if they could do anything else, and Posideon said if they sacrificed Cassiopeia’s daughter Andromeda to him that Cetus would go away, so the townspeople kidnapped her and brought her down to the pier. Poseidon didn’t like that, of course, since he was really just trying to get Cassiopeia to apologize and didn’t want some poor mortal’s blood on his hands so he let Perseus save her and kill Cetus.

“As punishment for almost letting her daughter die to save her own pride and for insulting the gods, they put her in the sky upside down on a chair to humiliate her for the rest of time.” Logan had gotten pretty excited while he explained the story, grinning widely as he finally finished it.

Remus was silent the entire time, watching how happily Logan told him a story he’d heard a million times before and thinking about how nice it was to be able to hear it from the nerd’s perspective.

Logan, finally remembering Remus was there, coughed softly and adjusted his tie, his smile fading. “Um, apologies, Remus. Thank you for letting me ramble.”

“Lo, you were telling a story! That’d be really dickish for someone to just cut you off during a story, you know?”

“I know, but I still appreciate it.” Logan yawned and Remus realized he looked tired, like the story had exhausted him.

“You wanna take a nap, teach?” The duke frowned and tilted his head.

“I… I have to finish up my work for the day…” The logical side moved his glasses and rubbed his eyes.

“...Lo?”

“Yes…?”

“You had a long day. Yes it was cuz I was being a bitch, but still, you need to get some sleep. Or, y’know, I’m gonna be even more of a bitch to deal with!” Threatening intrusive thoughts usually worked to get Janus to go to bed when he refused to sleep, so he figured he’d try the technique out on Logan.

The nerd however simply shook his head and laughed softly. “I don’t think so, Remus. I can… I can handle you…”

“You couldn’t today, could you?” Remus accidentally blurted out before immediately covering his mouth. “Oh my god I didn’t mean that-”

“It’s fine, Remus.” Logan stated, rubbing his eyes. “You’re right. I couldn’t handle you today. But I really do have to finish working on this-”

“I’ll stay with you if you go to bed!” The duke once again blurted out. “Cuz I don’t think you’d wanna stay alone with Orange so close by, y’know? I can stay and like, fend him off!”

Logic blinked at the proposition and squinted. “...you… want to stay with me? Why are you so adamant about me getting proper sleep?”

“Well one, cuz it’s already 10:30 at night, and two, cuz… you know, I don’t wanna end up actually hurting you!”

That further surprised Logan. “You don’t want to end up hurting me? I was under the impression that that’s something you enjoyed.”

“Well…” Remus was hesitant to explain - that tipped Logan into the fact that it was probably something more than that.

“What’s really going on Remus?” The stern side crossed his arms and stared at the Creativity.

“...okay, I don’t wanna be alone tonight!” The duke stomped his foot and crossed his arms, looking away. “My nightmares have been getting worse and Janus is hanging out with Roman and Patton today and Virgil hates my guts so I figured I’d at least try to hang out with the one side that for some reason still tolerates my dumb ass!” He sounded a little hurt, and added, “Or, one that wouldn’t immediately kick me out or hit me with a broom at the mere sight of me.”

Logan blinked. “Nightmares? You suffer from nightmares?”

Remus sighed and tugged on his sash. “Yeah, they suck ass - not in a fun way - but it’s part of the job description, y’know?”

“I don’t. But… does this mean you also suffer from intrusive thoughts?”

“...yeah… They’re kinda the reason I came in here in the first place...”

The logical side sighed. “Remus, you could have told me sooner you just needed company. I’m not the best at keeping up conversation but I could have at least put on a movie for you to refocus on something other than your intrusive thoughts.”

The duke blinked. “You… you’re not gonna just kick me out?”

“Why would I? You’re in need of assistance and I’m going to provide it for you.” Logan got up and rummaged through his DVD stack. “What would you like to watch?”

Remus stretched and looked over. “Whatever ya want, Sub-astute but Super Cute Teacher.”

Both sides flushed red when they realized what Remus had said.

“...interesting nickname, Remus.” Logan gulped, looking down.

“Yeah, uh…” The duke laughed weakly. “Well, I guess that cat’s out of the plastic bag it was choking in, huh?”

“What, that you think I’m cute?” The teacher looked over at the moustached Creativity. “You already called me sexy.”

“Well yeah, but that felt less… sappy, than calling you cute. And anyways, I meant that I was into you. Ooh, do you have Coraline?”

Logan stopped. “...repeat that, please?”

“The Coraline thing?-”

“The thing before the Coraline request.”

“Oh yeah, I like you.” Remus was right to the point, like always. “When I saw you take the shuriken to the face and just keep on moving right along… God, that was an image!” The duke gripped his thigh and shook his head, stopping himself from reaching down his pants.

“And you’re telling me this now… why?” The teacher was still reeling from the initial confession.

“We don’t get to talk one-on-one a lot! Plus, I don’t really like talking about cutesy emotions - that’s Roman’s department, y’know?”

Logan nodded slowly.

“Anyways, I changed my mind on the movie, can you put on Monster House?”

The spectacled side nodded and got the CD for Monster House, putting it in the DVD player and sitting next to the green-sashed side. He should have figured Remus wouldn’t be the type to linger on his feelings, and he was grateful for that at least. He couldn’t handle talking about feelings for long periods, especially not his own, but to have one of the most passionate sides just drop the fact that they liked him and immediately move on from that fact? It was odd. He almost couldn’t believe it.

Remus meanwhile was laying on the bed and watching the movie intently, smiling brightly at the screen before realizing that Logan had gotten into bed next to him. He turned over a little and growled “seductively” at the teacher, who laughed softly at the dark creativity. The sound caused butterflies to erupt in the duke’s stomach, flustering him a little. He smiled back at the logical side before returning his attention to the movie.

Logan meanwhile admired Remus, watching as he talked excitedly about the movie. He found it strangely endearing, how excitable Remus got when he was able to talk about things he found interesting. He didn’t have much time to think about it though, as he found himself falling asleep soon after the thought passed through his head. The astronerd yawned and passed out, sleeping peacefully next to the intrusive side.

The duke didn’t notice until he felt warm arms wrap around him. It startled the hell out of him, but he relaxed after he realized it was simply the sleeping teacher clinging to him. He carefully took Logan’s glasses off and turned off the TV before closing his eyes and falling asleep.

**The next morning**

Logan woke up first the following morning, still a little tired but feeling much better than he did the previous night. Vision blurry, the blind scholar felt around his nightstand for his glasses before realizing he was curled up into another person. He quickly got his specs on and saw the sleeping form of Remus below him, remembering that Remus had asked to stay with him the night before.

He looked at the sleeping creativity, who looked much more peaceful (and admittedly much cuter) asleep than he ever did awake. Still feeling somewhat tired, the Sherlock kinnie looked away and closed his eyes, feeling his face start to burn. When did he start thinking of Remus as “cute”?

Logan didn’t have too much time to dwell on it as he heard Remus start to stir. “Ugh… morning starshine…”

The teacher jumped and sighed. “Oh, good morning Remus. Did you sleep well?”

“Like an asphyxiated baby… you?” Remus groaned and stretched, waking up a bit more.

“I slept well too.” Logan fidgeted with his hands. The dark creativity, sensing the spectacled nerd’s unease, sat up and went to get off the bed. He was somewhat shocked to feel Logan tug on his sleeve. “Stay. I wanted to talk about what you said to me last night.”

“Oh… that.” Remus sighed and sat back on the bed. “What about it?”

“I… I’m not entirely sure what it feels like, but I think I reciprocate your feelings?”

Remus’s expression changed from slight concern to a poorly hidden malicious grin. “Oh? You’re into me?”

“I… think I am.” Logan nodded slightly.

The duke was silent for a moment before bursting into a grating cackle. “Oh- oh my god! Oh my god, you’re gonna kill me nerd!”

The scholarly side tensed up and blinked. “Excuse me?-”

“Are you fucking kidding me?! What kind of goddamn loser are you, to think I - or anyone really - would like you?! Especially after the bullshit you pulled yesterday, like Jesus Christ you’re pathetic!”

Logan’s heart sank as he heard Remus say this. “So you were, what, mocking me?!”

“No shit, Sherlock!” The intrusive side cackled once again before morphing into a huge octopus-human hybrid monster and grabbing the teacher. “You’re so fucking stupid! What on Earth made you think someone like me would like someone like you?! You’re lucky any of the others even talk to you anymore!”

Logan panicked as the tentacles pulled him up to Remus’s razor sharp teeth, about to chomp down on his head, when-

“Lo! Logan, wake up!” The logical side heard Remus’s voice coming from somewhere it should not have been, and Logan woke up with a start. Remus frowned as the teacher practically flung himself away from him.

“Get away from me!” Logan’s voice sounded frantic and panicked, like a cornered animal.

“Woah, woah!” The creativity held his hands up in surrender. “Teach, it’s me!”

The teacher took a few deep breaths and grounded himself, looking around. “...right, right… Apologies, Remus…”

“No problem, Nerdy Wolverine. Now, care to tell me what happened?”

Logan sighed and moved over to Remus, explaining to him his nightmare, tentatively telling the nightmare inducing side that he’d tried professing his mutual love to the other before getting horrendously mocked and belittled.

“Sounds a lot like my Nightmare Nico scenario. Has this happened before?” Remus had managed to ignore his thundering heartbeat and the cheering going on in his head - Logan likes me back!! He could focus on that later. Right now, Logan needed his help.

“No. I don’t normally dream, period, so to get a nightmare is extremely unprecedented.”

“Huh… so, I’m the reason you had the nightmare?”

“That would be the logical conclusion, though I had assumed that your effects would be… muffled, in my room?”

“Maybe it’s a mix of psychological and my effect on you guys? Like you were stressed or anxious about last night so my ability to give people nightmares got amplified?”

Logan nodded. “Interesting hypothesis, and it’s… definitely possible. I apologize for yelling at you earlier.”

Remus shrugged. “Eh, it’s okay, I’ve heard worse.”

The nerd nodded and the two were silent for a moment before Remus sighed and asked what they were both thinking. “So. I like you, and you… apparently like me back? What does that make us?”

Logan hesitated. “I… I’m not sure. What would you like us to be?”

The duke grinned. “How about boyfriends?”

The scholar smiled. “I think I’d like that.”

Remus beamed brighter and moved a bit before stopping. “Can I kiss you?”

Once again mildly surprised by the other’s bluntness, Logan nodded and scooted closer to the dark creativity. Remus quickly pulled the former into a kiss.

Logan was the first to pull away, flushed red and smiling to himself. “I think I could get used to this.”

Remus grinned and took the scholar’s hand. “Me too, Lo. Me too.”

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #intrulogical #ts logan #ts remus #tw innuendo mention #tw swearing #tw implied ns/fw (but nothing happens)#hurt comfort #long post #sanders sides fanfiction #lucifer writes

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heartfulselkie · 2 years

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So what do you think about the sentimonster theory ??

I am...currently conflicted about the theory. There's a lot of arguments for and against the validity for it so I'm still kind of on the fence to it being true or not or what it means for the story.

I do like the angst potential (cause we all know that I'm an angst addict) as well as the story telling that can come from such a plot development. But the theory isn't without its issues.

My main problem is that Adrien is an abuse victim, sentimonster or not. And revealing him to be a sentimonster adds an unsettling element to that. So far sentimonsters have been very expendable in the show. There are of course humanoid ones (Ladybug, Sentibubbler) that are meant to replicate a human in every possible way, but these sentient beings literally exist for a single episode, get wiped off the face of the earth and then not a further moment is spent afterwards thinking about it. Obviously we as the audience are a lot more attached to Adrien than a one off sentimonster in a single episode. But it just makes it all the more obvious how impermanent sentimonsters can be. And for Adrien who already struggles with finding where he fits in the world, what kind of person he wants or needs to be, thats just a heavy slap of depressing angst that makes even me a little too over-angsted. It also doesn't help that being a sentimonster would mean his entire existence hinges on some magical macguffin that someone could easily use to abuse/take advantage of him (cough Gabriel cough) or even erase that existence. That is some heavy existential levels of crisis right there. It's honestly a terrifying thought to consider a young boy who has already gone through so much manipulation and abuse to the point where his own autonomy is severly limited (and only overcome by a magical ring at this time) could potential be locked into an existence where his control is tied to an object that can be stolen or broken.

Maybe it doesn't help that the Senti!Adrien theory is just a theory right now, so we have no idea how the show's writers intend for it to be revealed and resolved if it turns out to be true. Because so far they've been fairly competent in writing how Gabriel's manipulation and control over Adrien is abuse without having someone say point blank in the show "Adrien's an abuse victim". They show it in the dialogue and the interactions between Gabriel and Adrien. Adding a "magical" element to an already capable depiction of abuse is treading a thin line. They can either develop it further into something the truly benefits Adrien's character arc, or its going to fall the other way and we're going to be stuck with a very sad and very unfair addition to Adrien's already spiralling depression and isolation. (life of course isn't always fair, but life doesn't involve magical elements that can literally control everything about you with no possible way of changing it)

But maybe being Chat Noir will provide Adrien the way to freedom as its always done for him, that the power of destruction can break his prison and shatter whatever chains hold him, magical or not. I think there's a good chance this is the direction the writers may go if it turns out the senti theory is true. It's probably what I'd do if I were the one writing the story. If a magical element is involved in Adrien's suppression, then it needs a magical element to break it. But Adrien also needs a very real and plausible action to break away from Gabriel's very real abuse. While they would be connected, I don't want the sentimonster problem to combine that fluidly with the abuse and suppression Gabriel has delivered onto his son. Perhaps Chat Noir breaks the chains of being a sentimonster while Adrien breaks free of Gabriel.

So yeah, I'm conflicted about it.

I see the various story elements this can give to the show, but also the pitfalls that would be very disappointing if they were to fall into it. If Adrien is a sentimonster, then he needs a way to separate himself from the Peacock and his Amok so that he can't be attached to an object that overwrites his human will on a whim (and he is human, even if he was born by magical means). At the same time he needs an escape from Gabriel, but a real, grounded one and not by magic means. I think as long as Adrien being a sentimonster is treated as a layer to the abuse and struggles he goes through and not the core reason for it (because it would be so easy to say "oh he's not real it doesn't count/it's not the same as actual people")(and sometimes there just isn't a discernable reason for why someone would abuse another)...

I think I could let the theory grow on me.

The fandom really is incredible on discussing this topic and pitching thoughts and ideas about it.

There's plenty bouncing around tumblr on the problematic side of the theory, but if you want to read a little more on why the theory might not be disastrous, I think @gentil-minou has had the most coherent post on it I've seen so far. It's actually thanks to them I thought a bit more deeply on the theory than just outright not liking it like I had at the start.

#yeah i'm a little all over the place with this theory still #both side of the argument have good points #and i don't think i'm at all the authority to decide who is more right or wrong #so i'm uncomfortable about sentiAdrien but will try to be openminded if that's what the show goes for #ask Selkie

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beingalivebeingalive · 3 years

Text

Becoming Alive: Bravery Through Love

There is a theme in musical theatre that I absolutely love but have not been able to quite articulate. If I were to put it as succinctly as possible, I think it has to do with characters being very tender with one another in the face of great fear and uncertainty. I will use several different musicals that I think quite poignantly illustrate some of these points.

This idea of love in the face of fear can break down further into themes of bravery, loss, and acceptance.

In almost all of these examples the characters are losing something or giving up something to engage meaningfully with another character. The prospect of love can be existentially terrifying. To love a person in a world that is often chaotic and random, when all people are fallible, and life is fragile, and everything is temporary is sort of…well, terrifying. To love another person is to engage in a contract with the universe for inevitable pain. You say I love this person so much that its worth it, and in fact I know the more I love this person the more this inevitable pain will be. There is a positive correlation between love and future pain (on a very not fun graph). Love is inextricably tied to loss. But the instances where we see characters say yes anyway are extremely powerful.

This loss can come in many forms; sometimes it’s the loss of an ideal; the idea of how you thought your life would be.

Alison in Fun Home ultimately choosing to live authentically despite the fact she is giving up her old sense of self and possibly the acceptance of her family is a prime example. This willingness to let go of who she thought she may be and a life she may have allows her to love Joan. It also changes the trajectory of her story from her Father (and her mother) who were not able to do those things. I’ve talked about this before, but you can see this comparison in the songs “Changing My Major to Joan” and “Edges of the World.”

Bobby in Company eventually gives up a sense of security and safety in being alone and simply being an observer rather than a participant in life.

In Falsettos several character have to give up their idea of what a traditional family looks like, and eventually Marvin and Whizzer have to give up the idea of what their life together would be in the future: “They say good men get better with age, we’re just gonna have to skip that stage.” But love is saying yes anyway. When Whizzer asks Marvin in the end “Do you regret?” and Marvin replies “I’d do it again. I’d like to believe I’d do it again and again.” I mean…wow. Marvin knows the heartbreak he must go through, knows the costs of loving this person. Marvin knows how their story ends, but he’d accept that in order to be with Whizzer. Jason also loses a piece of his innocence in a way and the idea of fairness. Despite this he still visits the man who has become like another father and friend to him in the hospital. All the women in Whizzers life express a feeling of helplessness but again they don’t run from his suffering, they support him until the very end.

A willingness to be vulnerable and confused

In Into the Woods After “No More” where it looks like the baker is going to run away, he comes back to Cinderella, Little Red, Jack, and his baby.

All these people have learned what it is like to lose someone important to them and how it can spin your life into chaos, they know grief and they are currently looking into a very uncertain future at the point “No one is alone” happens. But despite not having the answers, instead of running they come together. The adults who feel like they know little more then the children who are currently relying on them, tell them about the importance of empathy and assure them they have people who care about them.

“Unlikely Lovers” from Falsettos is another reminder of the importance of community and family in times of uncertainty. They know love is not about having the answers it’s about being there. And Despite how insanely terrifying to live in that time must have been they knew they needed one another; they sing beautifully “Let’s be scared together.” This is a theme that I think is particularly resonant for LGBTQ+ people.

“Changing My Major to Joan” again is an example of this acceptance and willingness to explore the unknown: “Am I falling into nothingness or flying into something so divine.” Allison must learn to love and accept the part of herself that allows her to love Joan even though she doesn’t not know what will happen as a result.

Characters at pivotal moments where they can accept the challenge or run

After “No More” the baker goes back. Allison’s “Changing my major to Joan” and her father’s “Edges of the World” are actually quite similar you see these themes played out in smaller ways throughout the show but ultimately the conclusion is different for the two (again I talked about this more in depth in my “Maybe Not Right Now” post).

Out of these musicals this is probably best exemplified by Bobby in Company. It isn’t until the second half of the final song that we see any movement forward from the main character. [I could do a whole post just on this show and the crucial moments leading to this epiphany, but I’ll try to keep it brief here] Bobby in “Being Alive” is staring into the abyss he has finally been cracked open and he is confronted with a choice. He can no longer lie to himself, however that doesn’t mean he has to move forward, to make that leap. But he does.

This is very different from “Marry Me a Little” where Bobby envisions a love that involves none of the themes that have been discussed so far, no loss, no uncertainty, no depth. What he describes sounds more like emotionally distant but friendly roommates. Because Bobby knows that alone is safe.

But what all of these characters know/learn, as well as Bobby eventually, is that love is an act of bravery. Life isn’t safe, and heartbreak is inevitable whether you’re alone or not.

Whether it’s a willingness to be vulnerable and confused, a willingness to accept inevitable loss, facing an uncertain future despite our grief, and embracing the horrors of being known, when characters reach out across that chasm and find a hand reaching back…I can’t help but be moved.

Then Bobby sings what is to me one of the most poignant lines of the show

“I’ll always be there as frightened as you, to help us survive, being alive”

Because it really can be a terrifying prospect. To accept our selves and others, to make promises, to see and be seen, to say yes again and again and again despite how the story may end. To allow ourselves that moment of vulnerability where we reach out and hold our breath while our hand hangs there, waiting. To love and be loved by another person is one of the bravest things we can do as people. But we do it. Because it is essential to our survival, because we’re stronger together, because it’s part of what makes us truly beautifully alive.

“There are no answers, but who would I be if you had not been my friend.”

#falsettos #into the woods #fun home #company #love #musical theater #vulnerability #musicals #stephen sondheim #ramblings #william finn #james lapine #Lisa kron #being alive

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vivithefolle · 3 years

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I got into a argument with you before and someone literally private messaged me saying they are proud of me for “taking on for the team” and standing up to you. What??? Why is literally everyone so afraid of you? I’m not trying to be rude or anything but you give off bully vibes. Ron fans are literally scared to say anything to you. This one girl said you posted the argument between you and her and twisted her words then all your fans began to attack her telling her to kill her self. I was even told to go die by one of your fans. What is wrong with you? Honestly.

If any of "my fans" told this girl to kill herself, then know that I'm absolutely disgusted with them and furious that they'd dare to do such a thing. I HAVE TOLD, MULTIPLE TIMES, TO NOT GO HARASS PEOPLE THAT I GET INTO FIGHTS WITH.

I suppose it's legit to see me as a bully. I mean I don't like it when people try to tell me what to think. I don't like being manipulated and I don't like being told I'm wrong without express proof, so I get defensive quickly if I perceive any of such happening. Isn't that so Hermione of me?

If you think I condone anything my followers do then boy do I have news for you: I don't. If you also think I have control of what my followers do, I don't either. I cannot stop my followers from being assholes and doing something as horrible as sending death threats to someone. If it's any consolation I never sent a death threat to anyone, merely got very angry at them and started raining insults upon them, especially when they blatantly lie to my face ("a painful Stunner", still not over that one)...

What is wrong with me, huh... lots of things. Since you asked for my honesty: I am autistic and oversensitive; I was bullied for years at school which contributed to my developing a school phobia; I was manipulated and gaslighted by someone I considered a friend which has led me to become very suspicious of most interactions, since all human interaction is at its core a manipulation; I spent a month in a psychiatric hospital due to depression; I am overly attached to fictional characters, especially Ron Weasley who I identify as having also been gaslit by people close to him, and I also despise injustice since I was done quite big ones in my life which only leads me to empathize that much more with Ron's plight given his treatment by the fandom at large; I take things personally, I am so stupidly sensitive that coming accross a Ron-bashing story can make me cry; I am aggressive when I perceive a slight, which can happen often given aforementioned oversensitivity; I am vindicative, sometimes arrogant and I believe I know better than everyone, and I can't help myself from correcting people sometimes; I am lazy and unmotivated, I can't find it in me to be interested in "real" life and spend most of my time on the Internet since I don't have a job or other such obligations which also adds further to my feeling that I'm useless given how that I live at my parents' and am a burden on their finances; I have crippling thanatophobia, the fear of death, and am plagued by the existential dread that looms over us all so I'd rather not think about it too much; I have a degree of anxiety which makes phone calls into a whole ordeal, also answering to the door or going shopping or pretty much anything that necessitates interacting with another person I don't know; my rarely going outside has also led my muscles and other organs to be somewhat underdeveloped; I'm extremely picky with my food and only know how to cook pasta (which I like, so it's alright); I'm subject to occasional bouts of constipation; my period pains have been known to knock me into bed for one or two days at a time but now that I'm on pills it's gotten a lot better so at least I've got that going for me.

It's a little funny that people are scared of me. I've gone from the designated scapegoat in school to the big bad wolf of the Ron fandom? And that's without mentioning how I am IRL. I mean I'm scared of ordering at McDonald's for God's sake. Shouldn't that say enough about me? I'm terrified of my own existence because I know it will end someday. Isn't that pathetic?

Summing things up: anyone who sends death threats to someone is a disgusting coward and I despise their behaviour with all my heart. The idea that people could be scared of me makes me laugh even though I can understand because my online behaviour is quite different from my IRL behaviour. And finally, what's wrong with me? A lot actually.

#vivi answers #ask #personal life

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