#and this is pushing it a bit but if my autistic mess of a brain may project for a moment

[merp-blerp]

Why I think Rachel Berry is Autistic/Neurodivergent (Coded)

So I think Brittany is the best example of an autistic Glee character, but i think you could make a case for Rachel too. I don’t want to pretend Rachel would be the greatest representation of autistics ever or anything, but I like neurodivergent headcanons as a neurodivergent person and neurodivergent representation is very lacking in quality and quantity, so we currently must make do with coded characters. This is all just my theory, and I don't even claim it to be perfectly air-tight. It's more than okay to disagree with me. Don’t take it too seriously, this is all in good, self-indulgent fun. I should note that I don’t have any credentials to diagnose anyone; I don’t recommend using this as a way of diagnosing yourself. They’re are better forms of research you could do. I also apologize if this post offends any fellow neurodivergent people. Rachel can be a particularly negative character for some and I don’t mean to imply that all neurodivergent people are like her or that neurodivergents that do see themselves in her are bad; I also see some of myself in her a bit and this neurodivergent interpretation of her makes me like and understand her a bit better. I also don’t want to make it seem like I think neurodivergence is a negative thing inherently. It isn’t at all. I think Rachel’s personality could make her do negative things, but the neurodivergence itself isn’t negative. The post was very inspired by @smolbrittana and their post on Britt’s neurodivergence. Definitely recommend it you’re interested.

So let’s start with some autistic traits and assessing how they might fit Rachel:

Special Interest/Hyperinflations

Barbara Streisand, Funny Girl, West Side Story, theatrical things in general. Need I say more? I will, no matter what you think. Rachel is obviously very obsessive over the things she likes, but also what she wants. From wanting tons of attention from her various crushes in high school, wanting Quinn’s friendship, wanting to be a the best constantly, getting into NYADA and not even really considering alternatives, etc. These are flaws in her character in some situations, but I don’t think it comes from a place of malice… typically. The crackhouse stuff was messed up, but I think this comes from her brain just latching onto things, to the point where these things become a part of her personality almost and in her head there’s no alternative positive situation conceivable to her other than getting what she wants. All or nothing. If something doesn’t happen the way she wants it it feels like a personal attack. Like being a star and shaping her life around being like her idols, but when she feels like someone could upstage her she… sends them to a crackhouse. I bet the reason why she’s so talented from such an early age is because she hyperfixated on being great at what she want to be, great like Barbara Streisand. I also think that this is why Rachel is so forgiving. She hyperfixates on belonging and others liking her, so she’s willing to forgive those around her no matter what they’ve done to her, best example being Quinn. She obsesses over her own perfection; for example, her NYADA audition where she messes up and feels like she has to completely start over and perfect it all the way through rather than continue through it (which I believe is what you’re supposed to do in a situation like that—I know I’ve seen real broadway actors push though their mistakes). Perfection is the only option to her at times.

Social Difficulties

Rachel is not good at social interactions. I think she feels things very intensely and sometimes can’t “properly” express emotions, at least not in a neurotypical way, therefore coming off as awkward or like a jerk. Sometimes she is a jerk, but I digress. Her first interactions with Finn are very awkward because of the way she goes about them. She goes in too strong, clearly feeling a lot for him already, and freaks him out, but it happened to be in a way that seemingly still endeared him. From his perspective, she’s also just… off putting, probably, because she’s neurodivergent and he’s neurotypical. He still falls for and cares for her, of course, but knows she’s different. Essentially in Season 1-2, her interactions with others are often turned up to eleven in terms of intensity/awkwardness.

“Abnormal” Speech

In the early seasons Rachel has this very fast, high-pitched, matter-of-fact way of speaking. This speech pattern goes away as the series goes on so gradually it might not even be noticed till it’s gone (and I have a theory on why it goes away, but more on that later). I think it’s departure is most noticeable in S4 E12, where Rachel imagines communicating with her younger self. There’s a clear difference in how to two Rachels talk and even sing and it’s interesting to see that contrast (and I gotta applaud Lea for being able to show that, however annoying, she is talented). She also has a very colorful vocabulary, which could also be a symptom.

Intense Emotions & Aggression

Totally. Rachel gets very upset when she doesn’t get her way, to a fault sometimes. Her taking it so personally when Tina was chosen to play Maria in West Side Story, saying it was “my part” (another example of her connecting to her special interest so personally). Her pissed off behavior towards Finn after she tried to cheat on him with Puck and kept telling him to forgive her rather than letting him come to a conclusion himself in S2 was very unselfaware. Sending Sunshine to a crackhouse when she felt threatened by her talent. Disrespecting her dance teacher when she grades her “Oops I Did It Again” number. She takes what she perceives as threats very personally, which might be a Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria (RSD) thing. Santana has a lot of rage, but damn so does Rachel. This could also be related to her feeling very intensely about her special interests or her strong sense of justice, which I’ll get into later.

Hyper-empathy/Low empathy

Rachel’s tendency to not take other’s feelings into account might exhibit low empathy. Now, it’s worth saying that just because a person doesn’t have emotional or cognitive empathy doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. I believe that as long as they’re able to have sympathy and/or compassion they’re good. Empathy is like being able to put yourself in someone’s shoes; feel the things they feel on a personal level, whether you’ve been though what they have or not. Sympathy is only being able to look a those shoes; seeing and logically understanding the other’s emotions, but not feeling them on a personal level. And you can still show compassion either way.

Stimming/Fidgeting

Now this one was hard to find evidence for, and that’s fine. Not every neurodivergent person stims or fidgets in a particularly neurodivergent way. Most people, neurodivergent or not, stims in some way. Any movement can be stimming. I feel like that fast, peppy walk thing she does, particularly when she’s angry, might be a stimy thing. Like she has so much stimulation that she has to really move and get it out of her system. I also do this when something excites me. I’m pretty sure I remember Santana (?) calling it a “bird walk” or something and said that she walk with a “weird pointy toe” way. Rachel’s body language does remind me of a bird some times, like how when she’s upset she’ll move her head in these very quick, twitchy or jerky movements. She holds herself in a certain way when she sings, which became most apparent to me when Jenna Ushkowitz (Tina’s actresses) talked about mimicking these movements in the behind-the-scenes for S3 E20. She jumps up and down and touches her face when she’s happy, and presses her face against the wall when she’s distressed. Might be stimy things too.

“Abnormal” Body language

Rachel has some very upright posture. It’s very proper in the earlier seasons. Somewhat “stiff��, if you will. Her facial expressions are very, for lack of a better word I can think of, extreme. Always the most they could be. If she’s smiling, she’s really smiling. If she’s crying, she’s really crying. Et cetera, et cetera. Like her speech, this relaxes as she gets older, however, I’ve noticed that during her time with Funny Girl, especially during the understudy auditions and her fight with Santana, both her straight lace posture and body language, “bird” mannerism, odd speech pattern, and other traits comes up again, but for the negative. It was like Rachel was hurt and regressed.

Anxiety & Depression

As I mentioned, Rachel regresses into a negative version of her traits in S5. This isn’t to excuse her, I hate Rachel’s actions during this plot-line as much as the next guy, but this could explain it. I’ve theorized that Finn’s death, the pressure of being on Broadway and the excitement yet anxiety of reaching her dreams so quickly to the point where she felt stuck in monotony might have made her somewhat regress back to how she was in early high school after having grown past it. Like she wanted things to be the way they had been before and lashed out against her own success, almost subconsciously/unknowingly sabotaging herself due to this regression. And then after losing her TV show she’s at her lowest in terms of people seeing her talent as something worth putting value into and she does have her come-to-Jesus moment when she goes back home, her actions finally weighting on her and her having to rebuild herself. Somewhat alternately, you could say that Rachel started masking in New York; maybe she knew that not masking in high school made her a target for bullying, so in NYADA she attempted to mask her neurodivergent traits so she could fit in better. This could explain her change in clothes, makeup, mannerisms, speak-pattern, et cetera. Of course, you can’t truly hide you neurodivergent traits, so Rachel is still quite othered in NYADA. Neurotypicals often can tell when someone’s neurodivergent though subjective social data and other them, whether they know they’re doing that or not. So her masking leads to a breakdown because masking is exhausting and painful for a lot of neurodivergents. She breaks. A covert mental breakdown is honestly the only way I can rationalize her leaving Broadway for TV; logically it doesn’t make much sense for her to have done that in my opinion. That’s why I think returning to Lima was good for her to start fresh and grow again in S6. A part of me almost wants to call it a neurodivergent burn-out or masking that led to a shutdown/meltdown. Rachel definitely fits the quota for “gifted kid syndrome”, being surrounded by yes-men all her childhood, and that could led to burn-out when you’re no longer around that. I think Rachel had been struggling for a while but hadn’t expressed it in a healthy way that was true to herself and so she didn’t really process her feelings or shit actions till her “meltdown/shutdown”, if you will, till S6. But that’s just a theory on what happened to her character. It’s hard to assess this part of Rachel’s arc because even though I think it could’ve made sense and it could’ve been interesting, it ended up being one of the worse written plot points of the show, and that is saying something because Glee fans are well aware this show’s not a perfect masterpiece.

Gifted Kid Syndrome

Many autistic people are seen as gifted or special in youth, and sometimes that expands into adulthood. Rachel definitely was seen this way by others and saw herself that way too. There are countless examples of character going on about how talented Rachel is at singing, whether they’re praising her or insulting her. And we know from the first episode of the series that she’s been seen that way for a while.

Rituals, Sensory Processing, and Perfectionism

Rachel has a strict morning schedule and moisturizing ritual. She also flosses between classes, which could be a ritual thing and/or a sensory thing. I feel like her very preppy clothing style in the early season could’ve also been a ritual thing and/or a sensory thing. It’s like she had to dress this way either because it’s a routinely thing or because she felt uncomfortably in other clothes (probably routine, because she does stop dressing like that in the later season, unfortunately—that style was so cute. But hey, putting yourself through clothing sensory hell for the sake of masking, due to the fact people made fun of your preferred clothes in the past, could add to that meltdown/shutdown theory I have). She also has moments where, while stressed, she rest the top of her head on the wall. Also likely a sensory thing to me. She seems very strict on these being done perfectly. She can’t do imperfection and things not being done her way. (Also, I don’t know how true it is, but I swear I remember hearing a trait of autism could be having perfect pitch. Of course Rachel seems to, but I’m not a super smart music person so I don’t know how to tell myself).

Deep intreats in animal

Rachel often wears animal themed clothing in the early seasons and she’s vegan. She also berated that woman for caring her service dog in her purse in S5 E19, assuming she knew more about the woman’s service dog needs than the woman herself. She cares about animals a lot.

A strong sense of justice

This part of Rachel gets forgotten or undermined I think and I wanted to acknowledge it. Especially by S3, Rachel really fights for her friends and against whatever she believes is an injustice. This isn’t to say she’s always in the right with these behaviors or that she’s the best ally to everyone, just that these traits are here. Before Glee club she joined in a lot of advocacy clubs (some she really shouldn’t have been in, but it’s framed that way), she wanted to start a “Gay-Les-All” (The Gay-Lesbian-Alliance), and she regularly protests Mr. 👞, whether it’s by storming out of class or putting tape over her mouth in silent protest when she thinks he’s undermining her talent. In S1-2 it feels entitled most of the time, but I think it becomes a bit more selfless in S3, at least for a while, with her being very for Kurt during the student election, to the point where she stuffs the ballot box and gets suspended for it. Still not a good action, but with good, selfless intentions. She berates that one woman in S5 E19, which is still bad and misinformed of her, but it’s an example. She also stands up to her teacher when she didn’t like her “Oops I Did It Again” performance. And I think, while in the wrong, Rachel was just trying to stand up for herself against a teacher who bullied her a lot.

Difficulty “Fitting in”

This is Rachel’s entire story. Trying to find somewhere she felt she belonged. She wanted to be a part of something special to make her special. I believe this is a part of why she is obsessed with feeling like the best in the room. She was bullied and different from others so she felt very othered; maybe she tried to interpret this othered feeling as “I’m better, they just don’t realize” as a coping mechanism, but I think deep down she knew that wasn’t the case and everyone hated her for other reasons (some justifiable, some ableist if you say she’s neurodivergent) and she had to learn she could share the spotlight and shine along with people at her level. A very “Oh No!” By Marina (and the Diamonds)—“I feel like I’m the worse, so I always act like I’m the best” type deal. In S2 she begins to take down the pedestal she (and others) put herself on as a defense and become self aware and this continues into S3, then the cycle happens again in S4-5 where she starts putting herself up on that defense pedestal again, then takes herself down once more in S6 to her own rock bottom so she can be on healthy ground again by the flash forward and the end of the series. This isn’t perfectly done, but it’s done well enough where I can see that was the goal they might’ve been going for with her, and I appreciate that type of nonlinear character arc, it just wasn’t done well here. Like, not only was it nonlinear in story but also in writing quality and that’s where it’s faulty. Even when you take away all the neurodivergent framework—all the stuff about rituals, shutdown, et centra—this reading could still make sense for Rachel. She’s queen of the outcast who has to humble herself in order to thrive.

Thank you reading! I hope I was clear and coherent enough in this. If you have anymore points to make about this reading of Rachel let me know—I’d love to see!

#glee #rachel berry #neruodivergent #autism #autistic #actually autistic #asd #character analysis #character interpretation #autistic character interpretation #autistic interpretation #autistic coded character #autistic coded characters

[funnywormz]

any thoughts on Soona disco elysium? I like her.

also btw DE came in #1 again on PCgamer's list of top 100 PC games.

I LOVE SOONA!!!! she's definitely one of my fav npcs. she has a rlly interesting design and her personality is great, perhaps im projecting a little bit but she comes across as very autistic coded to me. she's a little grouchy but has a good heart when it comes down to it. i think she's the kind of character where her instinct is to be prickly/rude/defensive to ppl, perhaps bc of bad past experiences, but i don't think she necessarily wants to be rude. like it's shown in canon that she has to actively remember to thank ppl and be nicer sometimes, even though it doesn't come naturally to her. and i rlly like that aspect of her character, that she's trying to get along with ppl more even though it doesn't come naturally to her, it's sweet and relatable.

it's only hinted at but i rlly enjoy her big sister-ish dynamic with acele as well. so many dudes everywhere so the girls gotta stick together........ soona strikes me as someone who doesn't let ppl boss her around or take advantage of her (maybe she did in the past but not anymore), so it's interesting to see her interact with someone like acele who is passive and lets herself get pushed around and excluded/taken for granted by her friend group. i hope that some of soona's personality can rub off on acele, so that acele realises her own worth......... the way the other ravers treat her doesn't sit right with me. i hope that soona can help acele get the respect she deserves.

side note but soona is definitely a lesbian in my brain lol. i actually rlly ship her and ruby, i think they would be good for each other... they have similar interests so they would have a lot to bond over i think, and their dynamic could be fun and interesting with ruby being a bit more streetwise and impulsive and used to evading the law and doing things that are illegal and dangerous, compared to soona who seems more straightlaced/reluctant, but also still has a side of her where she seems to enjoy danger and things that are exciting and odd, even if she wouldn't admit that openly. ik they never interact in canon but in theory they would make a great duo, imo. from what i can tell, ruby is probably a lot more chilled out and possibly kinda flirtatious when she isn't in a tense confrontation with cops (when we see her in canon she's literally in a life or death situation and assumes she's either going to have to kill someone or get killed/kill herself, but even so she's still remarkably calm in that situation. i think that normally, when she's not under stress, she would probably be pretty chill and easygoing to be around), so it would be fun to imagine her trying to flirt with soona or smooth-talk her and soona is just oblivious to it bc she's too busy messing around with her radiocomputer lmao.

(also, FUCK YES. it deserves that.)

#soona the programmer #soona luukanen kilde #disco elysium #anon ask #tysm for the ask!

[solarianvoidthearoace]

So I started my series about SaguKaiShin and Akai-Furuya-Shinichi household. So far it’s only an introductory one-shot but I’ll get there!

I’m playing it fast and very very loose with the canon-timeline around the Black Org – which will be more relevant in later instalments. The whole canon BO timeline still happens but I push it around some to suit the ages/ time skips I decided to use.

Basically, Conan gets to be 12,

Kaito, Saguru, Ran, etc. are accordingly 22,

With Furuya being 34 and Akai being 37 (32 as Okiya)

This whole thing hinges, upon other things, mainly on this post. But I also just happen to have opinions on these idiots, so. What I’m saying is, this will hopefully turn into a bit of a character study as I work my way through this stack of vaguely-connected ideas.

I fully intend to make Furuya aromantic in this and I stand by that I think Amuro is 100% gay, Furuya being 80/20.

Kaito is going to be genderfluid because he deserves to be a pretty girl, as a treat.

And just everyone aside from Furuya is autistic. Kaito and Shinichi AuDHD, obviously.

Plot:

After spending almost 5 years as Conan, Shinichi can’t stand Ran (s)mothering him any longer. Looking for a way to get out without needing to get emancipated as a 12-year-old.

He also finds two boyfriends and happens to know two NOCs who could very well use some additional support and stability in their lives.

Well, as much as Akai, Furuya, and Shinichi offer stability to each other.

Basically: SaguKaiShin-Sandwich as entree to Akai-Furuya-Shinichi-Family

Shinichi gets a loving, caring, ragtag family that is willing to commit crime for each other. Reasonable amounts of crime, that is.

(Series title is because I called those three a sandwich, yes, and Amuro’s knack for sandwiches.)

I feel like these five have all the brain cells but if you ask for some common sense, any one person who isn’t completely enmeshed in the Current Mess Of The Day(tm) just sighs and offers you some coins. (Get it? Because common cents? I’ll see myself out.)

#shinichi’s family sandwich platter for five #shinichi’s family sandwich platter #my writing #my wip #fanfiction writing #my fanfic #my fanfic writing #my fic writing #DCMK fanfic #dcmk kaishin #DCMK AkAm #dcmk double whisky #double whisky #bad pun #canon divergent au #canon divergence #DCMK canon divergence #dcmk fic #sagukaishin #kaishin #au fanfic

[nokingsonlyfooles]

Art Week Hangover! And Here's Milo!

More tarot card designs/illustrations for my various characters. These folks are in a story, which is free to read, and everything is licensed under Creative Commons, BY-NC-SA, so it's yours to play with as long as you share. More description and various notes under the cut.

Poor Milo. Feeling sorry for him is kinda like feeling sorry for myself, but I just can't help it. It's not his fault I didn't know how to define my deal when I gave him my trauma and anxiety, but now he's all complicated and problematic and shit. At the moment (because the language does tend to drift a bit) Milo is autistic, trans, nonbinary (he doesn't know that part yet), and he either exists as two people or is sharing his body with a friend - depends on what "Ann" is and what he did to his brain when he made her. He does have access to magic, so that may or may not be involved. (Sorry to any systems who may trip over this, I know you don't need magic to exist as a multiple, but the ambiguity is necessary to Ann's character and I really thought they two of them would be a lot simpler when I made them.)

Among my few fans, he seems to be a favourite. We're not quite at sexyman levels of moral ambiguity (yet) but he certainly is willing to maim and kill to protect his loved ones and he could use someone willing to take him home and fix him. (He has a girlfriend and a kid and a big family by the end of it, but not at the point of this illustration!)

I screwed up his original card and I'd merged some layers I needed to have separate, so I could only kinda fix it.

...It's easiest to see in the glow on the lightning. I'm happier with the redraw, but it's a little harder to tell you're seeing his scars where his sleeve's pushed up. It's not super important you realize at first glance, anyway. You know he's messed up, that's all you need to know.

Milo and Ann's cards have a nonstandard design, because they're both reversed and upright at the same time. Here's Ann again, for reference.

Ann's got a triangular cutout at her feet (representing a red carpet) and Milo's got one coming from the top down (a lightning bolt), so you can sorta pretend you really did flip the card.

Milo really swung for the fences when he learned to mask his weird brain! An advantage of this method is the ease with which you can turn it off when you're tired and you just want to be you. Also, if your mask is a discreet individual, you can negotiate with it and make friends.

Ann and Milo are very good friends, but a little codependent and overprotective at times. They have occasional fights, but it's usually when one of them wants to do something scary, or stupid, and the other one doesn't.

If I ever develop a fandom, I foresee Ann and Calliope dying a lot of silly deaths so people can box Milo up and take him home like a lost kitten. I'm cool with that! I've got the original version and he's got his own things going on, but you can torment your version to your heart's content. I know he's adorable when he's suffering.

And, finally, here's the first, crummy version of Milo's introductory illustration, because you've been a good listener and read to the end!

#original characters #lgbtq characters #nonbinary character #tarot cards #tin soldier and soldier on

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: Self-doubt, just a whole mess of what is real vs. what is fake/mistaken. Identity crisis?

Looking for: Advice, maybe just lending some knowledge if you have it.

I am an alter in an autistic system. Recently, we consumed a piece of media (I like how that feels, consumed media, it's funny, nice texture phrase) and I latched onto one of the characters. Hard.

At first I didn't think much of them besides relatability, which is common for me. If I get fixated on that character a little, sometimes I'll get a little...idk...shifty into them? Like not mimicry but a more intense version where there's just a touch of them in me, and usually this either fizzles out or another alter splits the day or two after and it turns out I was just doing a weird split.

But this time it grew over time, which isn't something that happens usually. And now I am hardcore on them, to the point where I'm having trouble with my normal memories and I'm getting memories of them instead, related only in sense of metaphors or tangents. I'm feeling phantom limbs and my inner voice and appearance is altering, as well as my outer world facial expressions (a clear tell-tale of who's fronting for many of us).

My first thought was, okay, this is normal when I fixate on a character, but even when I waited for a little bit, it still hasn't gone away. Some part of me misses the people from the show. I started panicking and I freak out every time I think or innerspeak in the character's voice. It's not uncommon for me to have trouble hearing the right voices from other people (pretty sure we know why), but my voice has always remained consistent. My outer voice is more or less the same, except I have to push down a couple of specific mannerisms from the character that would be concerning to people around me.

The character is also half-blind. The body is not. In the outer world the eye is really weird, like my brain feels like it's not supposed to be used but is (other disabled alters have the same feeling), and the only way I've managed to reduce that is by closing the eye. But that's not really gonna happen, so...idk how to deal with this other than just kinda. Hope it stops. Which sucks because I front a LOT.

I managed to half-convince myself that it was a new fictive influencing REALLY FREAKING HARD but even when I tried to get them to speak, I did my usual 'fake or real?' test (my imagination gets mixed up with alters sometimes so I developed a strategy to tell the difference) and it was fake. I asked another alter in the fronting room if there was anyone else there and they said no, checked with our Gatekeeper and they said no, but I was a bit weird.

I have severe issues with the lines between real and fake blurry sometimes, but I'm currently not in an episode of that, so it makes literally zero sense for that to be the case, plus in that case my memories aren't altered, just my perception of reality. This is vice versa.

We have partial and mixed fictives in our system (partial brain, partial fictive), so at this point all I have is either I am having an extremely odd real-fake-blur episode (which doesn't make sense as my confusion is the only thing causing distress, not the blurring itself, as well), or like. Somehow completely brain-made me is partially fictived?

I went on Google and saw things about fragments/not formed pieces/alters without identities finding characters that matched them near perfectly and attaching to them/forming into them, but I've been formed for a year now. Some parts of identity might not be fully filled in, MAYBE, but most parts are, and as much as I related to and connected with the character, I didn't see anything about it happening with formed alters.

I know that this isn't silly but it frankly feels ridiculous that I'm jumping to so many different possibilities, and what my brain is doing feels faked, but it's just...I know my brain (sort of). I know myself (sort of again). I know what it does when it screws around at least. It's not screwing around with me, I know it. The Gatekeeper already commented on it, I mean...

If you have literally any advice, thank you. Please note when responding that while I do have a therapist, she hasn't talked to us about the system and our Protector decided that we weren't going to say anything else for a while, so she's no help to me in this place right now.

It may seem kind of funny, all things considered, but I feel alone, and even if all you can give me are cat pictures, it'll make me feel less alone. Thanks.

Hi anon,

Please know you're not alone and that what you're experiencing is real and valid, and there is no right or wrong way to be a system, and every system is unique in their own way. It's up to you how to define or describe your experiences, but I can help flesh some of it out for you.

If I'm understanding what you're saying, you're wondering if it is possible for an alter to become a fictive over time. This can happen. In some cases, an alter may present as an original personality but over time may begin to identify more strongly with a fictional character. This happens for a variety of reasons, including exposure to media featuring that character, a desire to escape from reality, or a need to feel more in control. A resource that talks about this more is "Amongst Ourselves: A Self-Help Guide to Living with Dissociative Identity Disorder" by Tracy Alderman. The text discusses the concept of fictives and how they can develop over time.

Also please remember that it's an extremely common experience for systems to feel that they're faking their symptoms in some way, and it doesn't necessarily mean that they are faking it. As you may already know, the covert nature of OSDD/DID (assuming you're traumagenic) can mean that systems go through phases of denial, even after validation from a therapist or a clinical diagnosis. Please remember to be gentile and patient with yourself during this time as you're trying to make sense of your experiences and your identity.

Ultimately, if your protector eventually feels comfortable discussing this with your therapist, that could be super helpful in navigating what you're experiencing right now, as well as figuring out how to move forward. That being said, it is completely up to y'all what to do here, and y'all know yourselves best.

If anyone else has any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help. Please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

#mod bun #trauma talks

[bushido-jack]

Hello everyone! It’s been, uh, a while! Much longer than I initially said my hiatus would be! My god, SO much longer. A LOT of stuff has happened in the 9 months I’ve been away, and a few have been potentially life changing. Content warning, this post will talk about COVID and mention a death in the family. Don’t read if this is content that upsets you.

TLDR; I’ve had quite a few significant life complications that have taken precedence and prevented me from engaging in my hobbies, and maintaining this blog, and while I can’t promise consistent activity from now on, I am determined to break the hiatus and get back on here to write! After all, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy! (Of course, Jack could never be the dull one around here but Sharkie very much was. I know this joke isn’t funny just let me get it out) I’ve even commissioned a promo along with some fresh new icons that will be coming soon to kickstart my break from hiatus and into some semi-regular activity!

So first off, right around the time I made my last few posts, I got COVID a second time, and this time it really messed me up. It has left me even more disabled physically AND mentally, and my stamina in both is nothing short of abysmal. I got severe long COVID that I’m still battling with, and it made functioning in any way a monumental task. I’m almost positive I have some minor brain damage. My already bad lungs and chronic pain got worse, my mental health dipped extremely badly (I developed some new OCD rituals that have made typing a nightmare unfortunately) and I was trying to survive all of this while keeping a job that was extremely physically demanding. I’d already had to quit a previous one due to my disability and a lack of understanding that pushed me much too hard, and I really wanted to keep this one because I actually had training and a certificate in that line of work. Unfortunately I was forced to quit my second as well due to my stamina being severely reduced by COVID making it so that I could no longer handle a day of work without at least two days of recovery, as well as long term damage to my body from work itself that I was not comfortable with continuing to sacrifice for my paycheck. (most significant and the ones that have affected my return to writing have been significant tinnitus, carpal tunnel and tendinitis, lung damage, and even more brain fog, this time due to fatigue and constant sensory overload). Not long after I recovered from COVID the second time, my Uncle also got COVID and unfortunately passed away. It was sudden and traumatic and for a good while all of my emotional energy was spent with my family and trying to help my aunt who suffered a severe emotional break from the event. And during all of this, ever since the day I made my hiatus post, I have been struggling with some severe burnout in pretty much every category imaginable. I have been dealing with severe autistic burnout which has affected me since December and made recovery that much more difficult, as well as creative burnout that has prevented me from drawing or writing much since even before last December. That burnout plus the overwhelming exhaustion from overwork and physical and mental health issues has made it so I have barely drawn anything in over a year, and I haven’t written consistently for around a year. Along with those challenges, I haven’t had much time to engage in my hobbies as I’ve been working towards independent living, which as a disabled person is a nightmare of an obstacle coarse. In some ways this effort has necessitated my hiatus as well as the overwork I’ve done to myself in order to have enough credit and money to become independent legally. I’ve gotten pretty far, but until I’ve got everything in order I may still be struggling on finding a consistent and healthy work and hobby balance. But that’s where something came to help refresh my creativity a little bit. I got a new muse, funnily enough connected to Samurai Jack! I started checking out Lupin the Third while I was going down the rabbit hole of influences and references that appeared in the Samurai Jack show (and also trying to research the existence of the Japanese dub for Samurai Jack) and got hooked on the treasure trove of an animation history foundation block it is. As someone interested in pursuing a career in animation and loves old cartoons (shocking.) I was drawn into the old 60-70s originated show like a moth to a flame. Soon after watching a bit I found a great muse to help me recover from burnout without abandoning Jack, and in fact supporting him due to the fact that there are clear inspirations and references within Samurai Jack to Goemon Ishikawa XIII. While I allowed Jack’s muse to rest so as not to push him to the point where I didn’t enjoy it anymore, I decided to switch over to him for a while. By now I have reached a point where I’m in a place to bring back Jack and rp them both, and I may even do crossovers with them! Thankfully not everything personal has been gloomy: in a purely positive update, I dyed my hair pastel lavender like I’ve wanted to do since I was in middle school! This is something that’s helped lift my spirits a lot so I thought I’d share. If I ever do a mun day I may share, my entire face not included.

#//death tw// #『 out of robes 』 #//no new banners yet :( those are up next! #//on my computer the spaces look irregular but when i check it its only one? weird #//anyway I've wanted to be back so bad! it may take me a bit to get back in the groove of writing Jack so feedback is SO appreciated! #//I want to keep writing this man like I did before The Happenings #​//my laptop died RIGHT after posting this 😭 looks like the promo will be tomorrow #​//also tumblr has decided it hates bushido-jack and has loaded my main w glitches! hate and war

[crimsun-n-clover]

i went non verbal for a bit today.

i went to band practice with the metal band and couldn’t catch my breath enough to sing, so i kept missing cues or cutting off lines early. i was shaking and dizzy, trying to keep the three chords of the easy song we were playing in order. i was shaking, barely there mentally.

after that, i got in the car with mom, and she asked me how it was. i said it was bad, but that was my fault. i kept stuttering through everything i said, and talking got harder and harder. i just stopped altogether because it hurts in a way i can’t explain. it’s a tough strain, but i don’t know what part of me is straining.

i can talk a little better now, but i feel useless.

yesterday i went to a waterpark with my family. it was fun and all, but a total sensory nightmare. i woke up with sharp pain all over and feeling like i just had a panic attack. because of that, all my bottled up stuff was too hard to hold back. i’m reliving stuff i pushed out of my head. i don’t have the energy to stop it, and as it keeps happening, i lose all energy at all and can’t stop it for a long time.

i might be this way for a month now. who fuckin knows.

i wonder if there’s an alternate universe where i’m happy right now.

i doubt it, seeing as i’m fundamentally fucked up, and that’s how my entire personality and perspective was built.

if i wasn’t autistic, anxious, depressed, adhd, fighting suicidal ideation, and a lesbian, i wouldn’t be me. i wouldn’t be the creative, punk, protective person i am. i wouldn’t have such strong opinions and strict morals. i wouldn’t have bad coping mechanisms. i just wouldn’t be me at all.

i don’t think there is a world right now where i’m happy. maybe i’m playing dnd every day, am in a long term relationship, playing as a character in rocky horror locally, touring with my band, whatever. all things that i would love. i’d still be pretty messed up.

and i think there’s probably more universes where i’m in prison, dead, or addicted to more severe substances than the ones i’m already on. seeing as i’ve been tap dancing on thin ice my whole life, other versions of me probably already fell through.

i wanna be put in a washing machine. spun around until all the filth comes out.

thrown against the walls and coming out better, even if i’m a bit rougher. i’m already pretty rough. i don’t wanna be a scratchy jacket that you push to the back of your closet because you don’t want to get rid of it, but you can’t stand to wear it all the same.

i know i mean something to a lot of people. i have a family (even if they don’t know me at all), close friends, kiddos i gotta look after, a cat who loves me more than anyone else, a car that my parents will scrap the second i stop defending her, a bunch of half finished projects that wouldn’t be finished ever if i was gone, all that.

i just don’t mean anything to myself. i’m trapped in this body and this brain, and it’s like i’m being punished for existing. it wasn’t my choice. my parents didn’t abort me (conservative assholes) and now they’re stuck with a mean burden who believes the exact opposite of everything they do. i’m a burden to myself. i don’t understand how other people love me

i know they do. i won’t deny that. but i can’t stand myself. and i know that’s probably because i tend to stay in a lot of pain in some way or another. i can’t love me. i’m better than a lot of people, i know, but i don’t like being in this state. i like my creativity and my tastes and my stances, but the rest of me is eating me alive.

i’ll be a hollow fucking shell before i’m 30, if i make it that far. the weird meds i’m on, my stupid behavior, and my willingness to put everyone before myself suggest i might not make it all that far. chaotic good is a genuine, faithful, and loving alignment, but any character like me probably went after some immoral piece of shit boss who was just a bit too powerful. killing us and snubbing out all the love we try to share in whatever indirect way we can.

you know, i always hate saying the word love. it’s so destructive. it implies that whoever is on the receiving end should love you also, and i never want to ask that of anyone.

i never told sugar. it scared me. i couldn’t say that i loved her, because i meant it in a different way than i meant it with everyone else. it was too big and scary to confront. i felt wrong for catching feelings over a friend, so i just didn’t let it show at all. i didn’t want to make her feel like she had to feel the same.

i love my friends, but it’s weird to tell them. it makes me uncomfortable, because they don’t know some of the bad shit about me. they don’t love all of me, and i don’t want them to have to say it back. it makes my skin crawl to the point that i can’t say “i love you too.” it’s just “same here, ya crazy bastard.”

i can tell the kiddos sometimes. i take care of them and they look up to me. they deserve to have a role model tell them that they’re loved. i may be a bad role model, but i’m one fuckin loving bad role model. if you see something in me that you want to be, that makes me think that you might not be completely okay, or maybe you’re repressed and don’t know how to be unapologetically yourself yet. i worry about them. they should be encouraged to be who they are at their core, so might as well try and tell them that they’re already enough and should just keep being more and more authentic.

i don’t know what’s wrong with me. i’m stimming so hard that it hurts. i keep seeing things moving out of the corner of my eye. i can’t stay still or focus. i’m dizzy every time i move. i can barely get words out.

i don’t like anyone seeing this blog, but if someone does, please explain to me that i’m not about to die. i don’t know why i feel like this and i’m at the point where i want to call a hospital just to be sedated and tested for stuff. i won’t feel anything or think anything, and maybe they’ll be able to stop everything from hurting as much.

i just started crying because i got tangled in my blanket. fucking christ i’m at a low. goodnight tumblr

[lanyuan]

LAN WANGJI [WangJi, meaning; to not seek fame or wealth, forget about worldly matters, and be at peace with the world]

irony and sentimentality || for the @mdzsnet birthday event

#mdzsnet #cql #mdzs #the untamed #lan wangji #really hoping this makes sense #i've been thinking a lot about it #about how out of the two of them you'd expect lan wangji to be less focused on material objects and places #but whilst wei wuxian has his full attention on the people in his life #lan wangji has had two loved ones leave him by choice and he's learnt that people are not constant #there are so many more things that fit this theme that i didn't include #like wangxian and buying a-yuan the toys #(although that probably comes more from his deprived childhood tbh) #(see surreal game of drunk tag) #and this is pushing it a bit but if my autistic mess of a brain may project for a moment #he doesn't know how to keep hold of a relationship #made worse by his mother's and wei wuxian's deaths ofc #so he focuses all his attention to what he's already got #he can't go wrong with a memory #those aren't going to leave him #so he'll take what he's given and not let it go #which is such a great character theme #and also not very WangJi of him #l.gif

[thescarletwitchsapprentice]

A Pure Soul: Nearly Taken (Yandere!Wanda Maximoff x ADD!autistic!reader)

*Not my GIF.

Summary: The day (y/n) comes back to the compound after being told all those nasty things takes a toll on their mental health and self-esteem. Unfortunately it gets to a point that Wanda hoped it would NEVER reach.

Request?: Still none.

Word Count: 3,456

Warnings: Ableism, eugenics mention, r-word slur, attempted suicide, attempted overdose, hurt and comfort.

Notes: This is a sort of “in-between scene” from “A Pure Soul.” The rate of suicide is 3 times higher in autistic people because of the world’s lack of understanding and willingness to accommodate us. Plus being told the world would be better off without you, along with people looking for ways to make sure we’re not born....that’s gonna take a toll. So it makes sense for these feelings to emerge.

=============================================

You know that the world isn’t very kind to the disabled.

You know that the world wishes people like you wouldn’t exist.

But that doesn’t make what happened hurt any less.

You were out shopping when you ran into your best friend from high school. Except....this friend wasn’t the same as you knew them. No, instead they showed you their true colors.

“Oh hey, (y/n),” they said.

Tone has never been your specialty.

“Hey!” you exclaimed happily as you were looking through the books at your local bookstore. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you! How are you?”

“Better. How’s the treatment coming along?”

This confused you.

“Treatment?”

They nodded.

“For that disease you call autism.”

This struck a chord, and it struck HARD. How could they say something like that?!

“D-disease?!”

They smirked.

“I mean, it just makes us humans lives harder to be around your kind.”

What?!

“What the hell’s gotten into you?!” you exclaimed. “I thought you were my best friend!”

“Oh?”

They pretended to wrack their brain.

“Oh! Yeah, I was such a great actor in that part. I should get an Oscar. Here’s the tea; I lost a bet and had to be your best friend for those four hellish years. I can’t believe they wanted me to suffer that much.”

Your heart began to crack. It was all....an act?

“You took my high school years away from me, made me miserable. I could’ve won prom royalty, but no one voted for me because I associated myself with your species. I’m glad you’re out of my life now. You’re nothing but a burden and the world would be so much better off without you. Why not do us that favor?”

Your heart shattered. You were so plagued with shock that you didn’t notice them push you to the ground and spit on you before walking away with a satisfied chuckle. For the next few minutes, you couldn’t say or do anything. You were just frozen to the spot, their words bouncing around your head.

Finally you were able to feel both the physical and emotional pain. Pursing your lips, you got up, kept your head down, and quickly left the bookstore, trying not to let the tears fall.

===============================================

In the elevator, heading up to your floor, you can barely form a new thought. All you can think of is that hurtful interaction. 

Burden, your kind, your species, disease....

It all hurt. 

And the worst part is that you can’t help but think that they’re right.

But your thoughts are jolted by the elevator bell. As usual you find the Avengers hanging out in the lounge. Nat and Clint are chatting with Wanda. Tony and Peter are working on homework. You can barely see what the others are doing. 

Almost instantly, Wanda’s eye falls on you. She has a smile on her face, but it falls when she sees you, as she instantly knows that something is wrong. 

“(Y/N)!” she whispers worried.

She rushes over and gives you a gentle hug, but you practically squeeze the life out of her. The other Avengers also come to your aid. 

“What happened?” Wanda asks you.

You gulp as she and Nat lead you to the couch.

“I....” you begin as you sit down. “I was out shopping....and I ran into my best friend from high school....”

You tell them the entire interaction. Shocked looks are nearly all around by the end.

“That’s seriously messed up,” Nat says in a mix of disgust and anger.

The others nod in agreement, except for Wanda. Instead she begins to tear up. 

“My sweet angel,” she weeps softly as she hugs you closer and pets your head. “Oh, my sweet, sweet angel. None of what they said is true, not one bit of it. You’re an absolute joy to have around and you’re one of the kindest souls I’ve ever met. You bring so much to the Avengers and to our lives. Autism is not a disease. It’s a part of who you are, and I wouldn’t change it for the world.”

“Wanda’s right,” Peter nods. “You’re wonderful, (y/n). You’re one of the best friends I could ever ask for.”

“And you bring a lot of new perspectives,” Nat adds. “You came into our lives when we needed you the most, especially Wanda.”

They all take turns giving you words of comfort and encouragement as well as letting you cry. Wanda stays the closest to you, to no one’s surprise, hugging you tightly. Her embrace is exactly what you need right now; so warm and loving. 

Tony, though not the most emotional person, does feel sympathetic and even angered at the person who said that to you; even though you’re on the opposite side of the Accords, he decides to get your favorite food for dinner. It’s not the greatest gesture of sympathy, but it’s definitely something. After that, you take a nice, warm shower and get into some fresh, soft pajamas. Wanda’s waiting for you in your bedroom, and surprises you with some soft socks that match your pajamas.

“I removed the fabric tags too,” she tells you.

Your heart melts a bit more for her. How someone as kind, attentive, and loving as her could ever be considered a terrible person is beyond you. You let her put them on your feet and they feel amazing. You wriggle your toes in them, smiling. 

“You like them?” she asks you.

“I love them,” you giggle before turning to Wanda. “And I love you.”

She smiles and gives you a kiss on the forehead.

“I love you too, my angel.”

The two of you spend the rest of the night together, cuddling up close with one another, watching sitcoms, singing quietly. You doze off in her arms.....

But that doesn’t mean it’s over.....

==============================================

You’re not someone who easily forgets how things make you feel, and what that person said still makes you feel like shit. Now whenever you go out, you’re worried that you’re going to run into them. You keep your guard up and walk as quickly as you can. Every outing feels like a fight for survival, but you try to stay strong so that you don’t bother the others. You try to keep a smile on your face. You need to be strong.....

.....But even the strong reach their limits.

It’s a little after you found out they became catatonic. You’re at a coffee shop, nearly empty, when someone else walks in. It’s a friend of that person. You keep your head low as they place their order; four cups of black coffee, extra hot. Your anxiety is increasing, but you don’t want this person to think you’re weak. You keep your back to them, hearing the door open again. 

The other person is called for their order. Maybe you can finally get out of here.

The next thing you know, you feel something steaming hot being poured down the back of your shirt, on your head, thrown in your face, (which you luckily cover most of with your arms) and splattered on your arms and legs. Standing up, you cry out in pain as you whirl around to see 4 people from high school, among them the friend of your former best friend.

“It’s your fault my best friend can’t function, you retard!” the friend snaps as they push you around roughly.

“No one wants you on this planet,” spits another.

“You’re nothing but a parasite!”

“You just weigh people down!”

“You’re an embarrassment to society!”

“Why don’t you just end this?”

“It’ll be better that way!”

“Your birth was a mistake!”

By this time, you’re hardly a thread’s width away from a meltdown and you look at the cashier for help, but nothing. You try to take out your phone to call for help, but you end up slipping on the coffee, falling to the ground hard and in an odd position, hearing a crack. Pain surges through your body as you look at your arms; burn marks are beginning to form.

After they kick at you for a bit and spit on you, they leave. You look up at the cashier. 

“Why....didn’t you help?” you whimper with a whistle in your voice.

No answer. 

They don’t help you up either. Crawling to the door, you use a nearby booth to bring yourself back up to your feet. Suddenly you feel an intense surge of pain in your left leg, and not just from the burns. You look to see that it’s swollen and turning reddish-purple. You reach into your coat and get out your phone only to discover that it’s dead. Wanda’s going to be worried sick....you hate making her worry, and she’s been worried sick these last few weeks to the point where it’s taking a toll on her; so on the way back, you decide to take one worry out of her life for good.

======================

It’s dark when you get back to the compound. And lucky for you, the elevator is closed for repairs. You limp up the stairs, finally reaching the compound. As quiet as a dust mite, you open the door, biting down on your lips to keep yourself from crying out in pain; unfortunately, your lips took some burn damage as well. Limping to the bathroom, you shut and lock the door. You search the medicine cabinet and find some pills.

“This should do the trick,” you whisper.

You try to quietly position yourself on the floor so that you won’t hit your head. You want to be able to pass as peacefully as possible. But something gives in your left leg and you fall, letting out a loud cry of agony. Realizing your mistake, you quickly fiddle with the lid of the bottle as you hear footsteps rush in. You finally get the lid open and begin to pour out the whole bottle into your hand, hoping to get it in in time--

Click!

The lock turns scarlet, clicks, and the door swings opens. 

“(Y/N)!”

A terrified Wanda immediately snatches the pills and bottle from you with her powers. She makes them disappear before heading to your side, tears already flowing from her eyes.

“My sweet angel.....” she squeaks as she kneels in front of you gently taking ahold of your hands. “I didn’t realize you were feeling this terrible. I’m so sorry things have reached this point.”

You look away guiltily. 

“No, I’m sorry....it’s my fault. I never said....anything. You....you’ve been so stressed these past few weeks....all of you. I didn’t want to make it worse on you, so....I just kept quiet.”

Wanda shakes her head.

“You have nothing to apologize for, (y/n). It can be scary, but there’s no shame in reaching out. We all need help sometimes.”

Other footsteps rush in.

“What happened?” Nat asks. “Did (y/n)---?”

“Almost,” Wanda gulps. “We need to get them to the emergency room.”

“I’m fine,” you lie.

“Are you fine?” Wanda asks.

You realize that it’s pointless to lie, and you shake your head.

“No, I’m not....”

“Then we need to take you to the emergency room.....”

That’s when she sees the burns and leg.

“Especially to treat these.....what happened?”

As they carry you to the car, you tell them about the run-in at the coffee shop, them pouring the hot coffee on you, how they were telling you all of these things, how the cashier did nothing to help, how you heard that crack. Both of them are disgusted and horrified at those monsters.

“I don’t care what they say,” Nat tells you as they get you inside. “I’m glad that you’re here.”

“I am too,” Wanda agrees as she gets in the front seat. “We’re here for you.”

“But.....my autism.....”

Wanda gently takes ahold of your fingers, careful to avoid the burns.

“My angel.....I can only imagine how isolating it feels to be in a world that’s not made for you, but your autism is part of who you are. It’s what makes you unique. If the world refuses to accommodate for people like you on their own, we’ll help them to see that they need to, and we’ll help advocate with you.”

Nat nods as she starts the car up and the three of you head for the ER.

“I....I feel selfish worrying you like this and even attempting....I just thought....you’ve been so stressed and I thought it’d be better to take one worry out of your life.”

“You have nothing to feel selfish about,” Wanda assures you. “What you did wasn’t selfish. You’re in pain, and wanting to do something to stop that pain isn’t selfish. But there are better ways to deal with the pain, and I want to help you with those. (Y/N), I can say with 100% certainty that I’m glad to have you in my life, through the good and the bad.”

Tears flow down your face as the three of you silently drive to the ER.

=============================================

It takes several hours for you to be treated, along with a few more hours of consultation for your mental health. Some of the burns are treated through surgery, so you have to stay for a little over a week to make sure you recover and stabilize. Your leg is put in a cast, and Wanda comes to visit you everyday. You feel much better with her and Nat.

A psychologist comes in to discuss a safety plan with you. You decided to ask Wanda if she’d come and discuss it with them. She said yes and Nat also decided to help. You all work out what works in terms of coping mechanisms, people you can talk to, calming techniques, etc,. The psychologist also recommends regular counseling. Wanda asks if there are any remote options for counseling, as it’s going to be difficult for you to get there with your leg, (Also, she’s a little worried that the therapist might try to take you away from her, but she does show concern for your leg) and to her relief, there is. 

You’re discharged after about a week, but you’re not to be left alone for a few days to another week or two, just to be sure. Well, it’s more of Wanda’s recommendation than psychologist’s orders, but the psychologist also thinks that that could be a good idea. You’re not really complaining; it’s more time to spend with Wanda. And she’s certainly not complaining either.

For that time, especially, she makes sure you know that you’re loved, wanted, valued. She practically dotes on you; as if she hadn’t been doting on you before, she’s especially pampering you now. The other Avengers also get the 411, and decide to help. If you need pain or sleep medications, one of them brings the proper dose to you. They take turns spending time with you and getting to know you more. If they need to go out on a mission, Wanda volunteers to stay with you, but if she’s absolutely needed there, she entrusts your care to Vision, a robot who’s exceptionally caring. You and Wanda regularly discuss possibly adding him to the relationship, but you’re not sure if she’s being serious or not. 

On one night, Wanda’s caring for you. After applying the prescribed cream on your burns, she helps you find an oversized t-shirt to wear as PJs. 

“This one’s softer than the others,” you note.

“I went looking for a shirt with a softer material than normal,” she tells you as she prepares a small dose of melatonin for you, one that you’ve been taking to combat the nightmares of those events in the hospital. “I know how much it tends to make you feel discomforted if there is one. I also made sure it was a tagless shirt.”

You smile and sigh.

“I don’t know what I did to deserve an angel like you, Wanda,” you tell her.

Hearing this she smiles and blushes.

“If anyone’s the angel, it’s you,” she says as she gives you the melatonin. “You’ve been there for me even when I’m at my absolute worst.”

“So have you.”

You take the melatonin before Wanda brings you your toothbrush and toothpaste. You brush thoroughly before spitting it into a cup that Wanda disposes of. 

“You know, I could go to the bathroom and do this myself,” you tell her kindly.

“I know,” she sighs. “I’m just worried, my angel.”

“What if I wash my face tonight with the door open?” you suggest.

Wanda gives this a little thought and nods. 

“I can work with that.”

Using your crutches, you walk to the bathroom where you sit on a stool in front of the sink. You wash and dry your face before heading to the bed with Wanda helping you get tucked in.

“You’re seriously an angel,” you tell her. “I don’t think I’ve ever met someone outside of my family that’s been as concerned about my well-being as you.”

“And you’re too sweet,” she smiles again as she finishes getting ready for bed herself. “If anyone’s the undeserving, I don’t deserve you.”

“No, it’s the other way around,” you say.

“No, I’m certain I’m right.”

You giggle.

“Wanda, if we try to prove one right over the other, we’ll be going at this all night.”

She smiles as she goes over to the other side of the bed. 

“Well, I know you’re an angel,” she tells you as she gets under the covers. “You came to me in a dark time, and you shone a beam of sunlight through the shadow.”

The two of you look at each other as the fairy lights hang above you. Of course you’re looking at the bridge of her nose, but you can’t help but glance up at her eyes a few times; one time they catch you, and they are stunning. They’re like emeralds to you; vivid, entrancing, mystical. Just a single glance, and you know there’s so much to know about, so much to discover, and you become lost in them. 

“I’m so proud of you, (y/n).”

Wanda’s gentle voice echoes against your eardrums and dances around your mind, soothing you into drifting even more. But then she boops you on the nose, making it twitch like a bunny’s and snapping you out of your trance.

“Huh?” you ask, looking lost.

Wanda giggles.

“You are too cute,” she tells you. “I was saying that I’m so proud of you for pushing through all of this. It’s not the easiest thing to do, and.....well.....I’m glad you’re still alive, my sweet little sunbeam.”

You blush upon hearing this and turn away, but Wanda gently redirects your face forward.

“There’s no need to hide, my angel. I want to see your lovely face.”

At that moment, you begin to feel drowsy and bring yourself closer to her.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough, Wanda,” you sigh.

She brings you in closer and you melt into her embrace.

“Being with you, and you being safe and happy and alive.....that’s the only thank you I need.”

Leaning in, she kisses you gently on your forehead and you shyly return one on her cheek. 

“Goodnight, my angel,” she tells you as she brushes a strand of hair out of your way.

“Wait,” you say as she turns to switch the lights off. “Will....will you sing me those lullabies again? Please?”

“Of course,” she smiles. 

Turning the lights off, she returns to embrace you and softly sings the Sokovian lullabies her parents used to sing to her. As you drift off to sleep, you don’t know what’s going on in her mind. What’s going on with her mind? Her master plan, of course. Tonight’s the night she will finish what she started. Those monsters at the coffee shop messed with the wrong person. For the past few nights, she’s been paying them visits, doing the same things she did with your former best friend, and sending subconscious suggestions for them to gather in one place, thinking they’d be safer together. And now they have.

Tonight she’s going to make sure their minds are gone for good, but not before making them feel the pain and agony she imagines you felt. Her anger with them is in full throttle, so it’s going to be even worse for them. Telekinesis, fear projection, hypnosis, inducing extreme fear, she’ll do whatever she has to. Wanda will not leave until they’re nothing more than hollow husks, shadows of their former selves. With how they’d been acting on those nights, and how much Wanda has done so far, it won’t take too long. 

Because no one-and she means no one-gets away with hurting her precious angel.......ever.

#cw suicide attempt #yandere x reader #yandere wanda maximoff #yandere wanda maximoff x reader #yandere marvel #wanda maximoff x reader #yandere avengers #wanda maximoff #scarlet witch #yandere scarlet witch #wanda maximoff x autistic!reader #autistic!reader #marvel imagine #avengers imagines

[whumpster-fire]

His Dark Materials Thoughts: Daemons and Disability / Neurodivergence

More stupid His Dark Materials thoughts and headcanons because I still can’t get over this series.

I’m really curious how various disabilities would interact with having a daemon. I’d guess that for a lot of conditions the daemon could basically fill the role of a service animal, especially if the person had the condition from childhood so they could settle in a form that was capable of helping - e.g. daemons assuming forms with strong senses of smell to check for allergens. And this would probably be true for some neurological conditions where there’s something physically messed up in your brain.

However, I think for neurodivergency, it’s different: if the human is neurodivergent their daemon is neurodivergent as well. And while a human and daemon are “one being,” daemons still have their own personalities and emotional needs.

Using autism as an example because I’m autistic and can speculate based on my own experiences:

Autistic people are usually very close to their daemons, even by the standards of the setting, because while anyone’s daemon inherently understands them better than other people do, the gap is much, much wider for ND people. Real talk, I think I was drawn to this series and the concept of daemons so strongly because the idea of a companion I could fully trust and interact with without the constant fear of breaking some unknown and unspoken rule and who fully empathized with me was something I wanted soooo badly.

A lot more sensory information is “transmitted” between human and daemon than most people notice because the brain tends to filter it out. Autistic people’s brains aren’t as good at filtering out “junk” sensory info though, and this includes what comes through over the bond between them. You can’t actually see through your daemon’s eyes but autistic people tend to feel shared sensations more intensely and pick up on things like smells and textures that a neurotypical brain would tune out (and this works in both directions). This makes autistic people more vulnerable to sensory overload than in our world.

Sometimes only one of the pair is verbal, or at least verbal with others / much more comfortable talking to others. If it’s the human, people tend to not notice because “daemons should be seen and not heard” is kind of the norm in the setting but if the daemon is speaking for the pair most of the time it’s seen as weird. Some autistic people may also be more comfortable talking to other people’s daemons than to the humans, which isn’t technically part of the taboo but it’s pretty frowned upon.

For both tactile-seeking and tactile-defensive people, the daemon’s settled form is often determined by the need for physical affection - either because as they grow into teenagers it becomes less socially acceptable to touch other people as much as they need to, or because the only touch that feels safe for the pair is with each other. A settled form doesn’t always follow the human’s preference, but is always a form the daemon is comfortable with and likes. Daemons settling in forms their human actively hates is rare, and usually means there was already serious conflict between them with the human refusing to accept their nature - i.e. sailors’ daemons usually take seabird forms or mammals like otters or minks that can stray away from the water, settling in a dolphin form was noteworthy for a reason because it’s such a drastic act, and IMO that was probably caused by the human trying to abandon the sea entirely and fighting with his own daemon about it until she was like “Let’s see you take us away from the sea now!”

But anyway: daemons don’t just settle in forms based on symbolism or social convention if it’s going to make both them and their humans miserable and/or mess up their relationship IMO, and usually they show a preference for forms similar to their settled one in the years leading up to settling (e.g. Pantalaimon clearly liked his stoat/ferret and wildcat forms and mostly took other ones for reasons of practicality and convenience, and I said this in another post but I think he became a pine marten because it was the closest he could get to combining the two). If a pre-adolescent human and daemon are super cuddly with each other and that touch is really important to them, the daemon will probably settle in a form that’s compatible with that. It’s rare for autistic daemons to settle as something as small as a mouse where they could only be carefully pet with one or two fingers, for example, and they usually take mammalian or sometimes avian forms.

Brushing a daemon’s fur, and other techniques such as joint compression that are hard for a person to perform on their own body, can help both of the pair calm down and cope with sensory issues.

Unfortunately, given how fucked up the culture in Lyra’s world is, I shudder to imagine how they treat neurodivergent people. I can totally imagine people treating this closeness as the cause of autism and not a symptom, and treating it as a child “being socially impaired because they only interact with their daemon / let their daemon do too much for them and never learn to socialize with other people.” Aside from attempting to cure autism with Intercision, there are probably a bunch of horrible, abusive treatments passed off as “therapy,” like forcing children to do therapy sessions with their daemon trapped on the other side of an opaque, soundproof wall (doesn’t interfere with their bond if it’s within the separation limit, but keeps them from seeing / hearing / touching each other), caging the daemon, muzzling them to keep them from speaking for their human, or even not letting them sleep in the same room.

Another common problem is parents / educators treating an autistic person’s daemon like a service animal and offloading their responsibilities on them. Just expecting them to handle something like a meltdown or panic attack by themselves because “You’re part of them, you understand them!” and ignoring that the daemon also has fears and anxieties and sensory issues.

Expectation: Your autistic child’s daemon understands them better than you ever could and will be able to quickly and discretely calm them down from a meltdown / sensory overload without you needing to get involved and actually do your job as a parent.

Reality: You have two autistic children who share a soul and feel each other’s emotions and pain, and one of them likely has at least one sense that’s way more sensitive than a human’s. They can certainly be a source of comfort and support to each other, and can pick up on each other’s warning signs and remind each other to use coping strategies / get out of stressful situations and not try to “push through,” but this is a skill that takes time and maturity to learn, and it only works before the pair are completely overwhelmed. As stated above autistic people feel sensations and emotions from their daemon extra-intensely, and vice versa. A full-on meltdown or panic attack is such an overpowering flood of negative emotions that, combined with the stress of whatever caused the meltdown in the first place, usually just overwhelms both partners, especially in children. The best you can hope for is whichever one holds it together a bit longer is able to help their partner into a safe place and ask someone for help. Even if the daemon (or human) doesn’t have a meltdown their emotional battery will still be absolutely drained for probably the rest of the day.

#His Dark Materials fandom #daemons #silly headcanons #autism #not whump

[glowingspence]

Prompt list: 44 & 98, for if you want to write something hurt/comfort-y or angsty with autistic Spencer and Hotch [platonic, father/son]

I really love your work!! I hope you can have some fun with this one.

[Thank you!!<3 Yes I had, I hope it is what you wished for :)]

"Hotch?" Hotch's head snaps up when he hears the trembling voice from inside the bathroom attached to their shared hotel room.

"What's wrong?" He calls walking closer to the door.

"I really messed up" Spencer admits his voice sounding close to break.

"I am gonna come in okay?"

"Please" Nervously Hotch opens the door to the bathroom seeing Spencer sitting on the floor, blood dropping down from his arm, running out from underneath the hand that he presses onto the wound, "Please fix me."

Quickly Hotch grabs a towel crouching down in front of him. "What happened?"

[More under the cut]

"It was an accident" Spencer whispers flapping his blood smeared hand.

"How did this happen?" Hotch questions skeptical.

"I- I didn't want to cut so deep. I promise" Spencer crouches down lower so he can make Hotch look him into the eyes, "Please"

"What did you use?"

"A pocket knife." He admits and reaches for it before Hotch stops him, seeing the old knife he got from Gideon when he started working at the BAU. "Sir?"

"I'll drive you to the hospital"

"No- No hospital"

"This is not up for debate." Hotch grabs Spencer free hand, "This stays on the towel, you press down the whole time okay?"

"I am not going to the hospital."

"We are, come on." Hotch grabs Spencer at his upper arm pulling him up. "It's gonna be okay."

"Please just do it here-"

"Not gonna happen, these need professional help."

"No-No-"

"Spencer this is not debatable. I am either gonna call an ambulance or we are gonna drive down there." Hotch raises his voice slightly while Spencer tries getting out of his grip. "Come on"

"No"

"Spencer please." After a moment of fighting he turns Spencer around, sitting down onto the floor with him, having him lean with his back against his cheat. "Take a deep breath"

"I hate you- I hate you!"

"We are gonna calm down together first"

"Just fix my arm!" Spencer yells panicking at the sight. "Fix it please"

"I am gonna call an ambulance now okay, buddy?" Hotch keeps Spencer steady against his chest and reaches for the phone in his pocket, "You are okay, it's gonna be okay"

He sits with him on the floor, rocking them from side to side as Spencer cries in his arms, "Why are you doing this?"

"It's okay" Hotch wipes his hair back pushing Spencer's head to lay on his shoulder, "It's gonna be okay, they are just gonna help with your arm, we will talk about everything else once everything is okay."

"They are gonna lock me up."

"Nobody is locking you up." Hotch ensures him. "They will only take care of the cut and we will see what we can do to help you afterwards and together okay? We can discuss options."

"They are not gonna want to discuss options."

"I do. And I am not gonna leave your side okay? It's all gonna be okay."

"They are gonna lock you up."

"Nobody will lock you up and even if we decide that a stay in a mental hospital is going to help you the best, then that is not a bad thing."

When the two paramedics arrive he is quick to get intimidated by them, even though they try their best not to be. "We are gonna go with them okay?"

"Sir we need to keep moving." The man pushes when Spencer stops dead in tracks at the thought of going into the ambulance.

"I will be with you." Gently Hotch guides him to lay down inside and starts letting his fingers run through his hair and it doesn't take long for Spencer to go non verbal and eventually his eyes start to get heavy from the blood lost and it's all so confusing because his thoughts don't end before new ones start and his brain is just a big mess, "You are gonna be okay, kid" Hotch speaks to him when he hears him whimper. "Keep your eyes open."

"I know you are tired, Buddy. But you gotta listen to your friend here, you need to stay awake for us. Can you do that?" Apprehensive Spencer nods and looks at Hotch again, making a motion to grab something with his hand and it takes the older man a moment to understand what he wants but when he does, he takes Spencer's hand into his, letting him play with the wedding ring on his finger.

"How long till we got there?"

"Three minutes top" The medics tells him.

"You heard that? Three minutes." Hotch repeats to Spencer keeping one hand laying on his face the other at his hand.

It takes a while at the hospital until Spencer is finally situated in a bed, the wound sewed and he himself sleeping. "Hotch, what happened?" Worried Morgan steps into the room.

"He is okay"

"Why didn't you call us?"

"There was no time okay?" Protectively Hotch shields Spencer from him, even though he knows that Derek has nothing but love for him. "He is okay you hear me?"

"Did he try- did he-"

"I don't think so" Hotch tells him while Derek rans his hand over his face, letting out a breath. "He is gonna need some quiet, make sure the team is informed not to crowd him. I am gonna talk to him about treatment options-"

"Like you did when he was addicted-"

"Derek" Hotch presses, "I've got this."

When Derek comes back in the evening he finds Spencer alone in his hospital bed, playing with a puzzle. "Hey you"

"Hey you" He shoots Derek a soft smile.

"Where is Hotch?"

"Where is Hotch? Hotch fixed me" He tells him, letting his hand run over the bandage. "Hotch is gonna fix me, it's gonna be okay."

Hesitant Derek steps closer putting a hand on his back seeing the brochure on the table before he leans down and places a kiss in his hair, "Listen, we are never gonna leave your side okay? Can you do me the favor and listen to Hotch very carefully when you two talk about what will happen? I know how terrifying this is right now, I have been there too but closing your ears is not gonna make things better. Hotch is gonna make sure you are safe, he doesn't do anything to hurt you."

"I know" With a tear in his eyes Derek wipes back some hair out of Spencer's face, seeing a little bit of blood at his neck that hasn't been wiped away. "Hotch is gonna fix me now"

[Prompt list]

You can find other versions to this prompt here and here

#tw self harm #tw cutting #tw blood #thank you for your requests!!🦎 #aaron hotchner #spencer reid #autistic spencer reid #derek morgan #i love you prompt list works #my writing

[alwaysahiccupandastrid]

How Bad is Sia’s “Music” really?

I watched it illegally (because there was no way I was paying for that bullshit) and found out. It’s not as bad as we thought... It’s worse.

TW for ableism, Sia, drugs, alcohol, just in general a terrible movie, meltdowns, blackface

Literally the first thing you hear while they’re showing the production companies is THOSE stereotypical noises. If you’ve seen the trailer, you’ll know what I mean.

And yes, she does this for the WHOLE fucking movie

What was the need to show her in her underwear? Maddie Ziegler was 14 when this was made, so what was the need??? And why did Sia prolong the scene by having her hitting herself?

Less than a minute in and my reaction was already “what the fuck is this shit?”

So the opening number not only had stereotypical exaggerated facial expression, it has Maddie in BLACKFACE?!? And with culturally appropriated hair?!?

The exaggerated facial expressions are literally constant and I took photos during the film to show it, more later, but I’ll keep mentioning it

ITS LITERALLY THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME SHE IS ON SCREEN

Even her way of walking is fucking offensive, Jesus Christ

The vocalisations just had me cringing so hard, I cannot describe how awful it made me feel

Why do all the neighbours need to be paid off and help her when she goes for a walk? I don’t-

Yes, by about the five minute mark I was already seriously debating all my life decisions. It was that bad.

Kate Hudson really didn’t give a fuck that her grandma died

I will keep saying it but WHY are the facial expressions/vocalisations CONSTANT?!! Literally they do not stop at all. I work with a child who is actually similar to this in that he’s nonverbal and he makes similar noises/faces, but the way they’re in this movie is so over-exaggerated?!? And even the kid I work with doesn’t do it 24/7?!?

Sia, calling your characters Zu and Music doesn’t make them interesting in the slightest. They’re still painfully terrible and one dimensional

Literally ONE minute after being left alone with her autistic sister, Zu calls the mental health service asking if they could “theoretically” “pick up” her sister?!? Like she wants to get rid of her already?!?

“A magical little girl” - autism isn’t a magical power?!? And Music is a young woman, not a little girl?!? Why are you infantilising her?!?

Okay I’m not being funny but this choreography is NOT hard. ANYONE can do it, so claiming that you needed to hire a dancer to be Music because of the numbers is literally bullshit (and even so, there are so many amazing autistic actors and dancers?!?)

20 minutes in and I wanted to give up

So she had her first meltdown because her hair didn’t get braided immediately and that’s... certainly interesting??

The fact that Leslie Odom’s character says “I’m going to crush you now”?!?

AND THEN HE FUCKING PICKS HER UP AND FULL-BODILY PINS HER DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR

“I’m crushing her with my love” - oh fuck you, just fuck you

So Sia lied, the restraint scenes were NOT removed and there was no warning. She’s a fucking POS liar

I have no idea why he’s called Ebo or why he has such a cliche African accent?!? I might have missed out on why because I was busy trying not to bang my head into the table while I watched this film but just... yikes

“He (his brother) liked to be held” - YEAH, HELD. NOT FUCKING CRUSHED

“He is dead now” - IM NOT FUCKING SURPRISED IF YOU CRUSHED HIM LIKE THAT

The constant babying and patronizing of the autistic character is so exhausting to watch. I’m so tired

“Planning on sending her to the people pound but I guess I’ll keep her a little longer” - SHE WAS JOKING BUT THAT WAS NOT EVEN REMOTELY A FUNNY JOKE. NOT EVEN IN AN AWKWARD WAY

STOP THE FACES IM-

^ YEAH, Sia, totally a fucking love letter to the autistic community here ^

So Zu finds this necklace she made as a kid that had a little dog on it, and she says to Music, “He had seizures too, just like you”... MELTDOWNS AND SEIZURES ARE NOT EVEN REMOTELY THE SAME FUCK THIS MOVIE-

It’s like Sia is trying to make the movie funny but it’s really not at all

Is Zu implying that Music is autistic because the mum was a junkie?!?

For real though, the dialogue in general is so fucking awful and cringey. Whoever wrote this should never be allowed to write again

Did she seriously leave her autistic sister alone to talk to who I’m presuming was her dealer or loan shark?!?

Also why is he - a white dude - wearing cornrows?!?

So who is the film really about? The autistic girl or the older sister saviour? I think we all know the answer to that one

WHY IS SHE WALKING AROUND WITH HER TEETH JUTTING OUT LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME

The musical numbers are literally so painful to watch. The overly bright colours, the flashing... my eyes were hurting and so was my brain

Autism representation aside for a second, the musical numbers/choreography are all fucking atrocious. Ditto for the costumes

LIKE WHAT THE FUCK WERE THE PINK OOMPA LOOMPA FRUIT THINGS?!? THEY LOOK LIKE THE PINK VERSIONS OF VIOLET BEAUREGARDE THE BLUEBERRY

I wanted to cry by this point, this movie is far more awful than I thought

“I’m not saying she doesn’t want to change, I’m saying she can’t” - FUCK YOU. Why is it okay for him to assume what she can or can’t do

Can I just say that autistic people aren’t constantly in a coked up wonderland state?!! We don’t see the world as a wonderland fantasy world 24/7?!!

“She can hear you from two rooms away” / *shows her listening through two brick walls to a conversation* — Also, we don’t have super fucking sonic hearing?? WE CANT HEAR THROUGH FUCKING BRICK WALLS?!?

“She can understand everything you’re saying to her” - she’s autistic not fucking deaf

Less than 45 minutes in, there’s another meltdown in the park

“I’m not climbing on top of a small screaming white girl in public” - yeah please fucking don’t

So Zu fucking pins her down with her weight 🤦‍♀️

“She doesn’t know who she’s hitting” - IM SORRY WHAT

EBO LITERALLY SAID “TREAT HER LIKE A BEAR” when talking her through the prone restraint, I fucking CANNOT

“Tell her she’s safe” - NOT IF YOU FUCKING RESTRAIN HER LIKE THAT SHE IS NOT

The fact that she gets up, smiling and happy after a meltdown and immediately is excited to get a snow cone... I can honestly say that after a meltdown, I am in no way happy or smiling. I am often not very verbal and I’m withdrawn/not myself for at least several hours, usually the rest of the day. Fuck this film

This film is literally just about Zu, and Music is there for a plot device to give her character development. That’s all she’s there for.

Love how Sia shoehorned Zu being suicidal in there. You know, just to try and make her more easy to sympathize with (it doesn’t work)

This film is literally just a 1 hour 47 minute Sia music video with ZERO plot

WHY WERE THEY WEARING PILLOW DIAPERS IN ONE NUMBER-

I really did not feel into the side plot with that guy who was fighting but it was still better than the actual movie so...

I am SO DONE with the NON STOP CONSTANT vocal shit. So tired.

LOJ’s only role in this film is to be the stereotypical wise black guy who assists a white woman’s story. There’s like hardly any other depth there

The Ebo/Zu romance is so fucking stupid and pointless and out of NOWHERE. I couldn’t even tell if they were into each other or not

I was already so bored of the musical numbers by this point. They added NOTHING to the plot but they pretended they did, and I was so over it. And it’s not because I’m not “creative enough” or anything to understand, I love musicals and I think it could have been cool if done right... but it wasn’t. They were a mess. It’s just bad.

Sia really tried to pretend her movie was deep but really it’s a shallow mess

So Zu is meeting rich drug clients and says to Music “try not to have one of your freak outs up there” and “if you could try to get it out now”... FUCKING YIKES. It’s not an on/off button, shut the fuck up

YEP THIS WAS THE SIA CAMEO FUCK THAT BITCH

The fact that she just calls “DRUG DEALER?!? DRUG DEALER IS THAT YOU”, fucking end this please-

I fucking hate this bitch I’m dead serious

“We’re gonna send them to Haiti cause there’s been an earthquake. All these buildings fell down, children’s bones were dislocated” - WHY WAS SHE SO CHEERFUL ABOUT IT

“Gonna buy a shit load of pain meds, gonna but them on my private plane” - FUCKYOUFUCKYOUFUCKYOU

“Pop stars without borders” - Sia thinks she’s so clever but I would give anything to punch her I swear-

ANOTHER MUSICAL NUMBER JUST STOP IM BEGGING YOU

There’s this awkward conversation/bit with Zu and her drug dealer/loanshark about his outfit that was clearly meant to be funny but was just flat and painful

Yep, Sia really showed Music eating chewing gum off the underside of a park bench. Of course.

Look, the kid I work with does similar stuff by putting literally anything and everything in his mouth but like... why would you put that in your movie?

And there’s no indication before this that Music puts everything and anything in her mouth, she just randomly decides to get on her knees, under the bench and eat chewing gum, like she calculates that it’s there and gets it???

She has a THIRD meltdown after an allergic reaction to a bee sting and her sister just yells at her before realizing... I’m not here for this movie, I feel like I drifted off and was not really there

So Zu got angry because she left the drugs at the park but she’s not that upset that her sister had an allergic reaction???

Zu gets absolutely drunk because a) she lost Sia’s drugs and b) she’s stressed out by her autistic sister... wow, great message, Sia!

She really fucked off and left her sister alone to go clubbing/on a bender

The less said about the musical number here the better

Sia’s movie also checks the box of having stereotypical Asian parents, specifically stereotypical Asian dad being harsh/angry and hitting his wife!

ALSO HE PUSHED AND KILLED HIS SON WTF IS HAPPENING

Less than 3 minutes after the last, there’s a musical number that I think was about this side character going to heaven... another shitty Sia-esque number

The patterns during the number made my brain hurt.

Also there are so many autistic actors who can also dance, and yet Sia chose the neurotypical one because ✨ N E P O T I S M ✨

I just want to know how it was deemed necessary to show the fact the autistic character peed/wet herself? I mean... ??? It’s just so undignified and not at all necessary to the plot. Nothing happens after that, it just moves onto the next scene and it didn’t do anything

“I have no one” - 1) YOUR FUCKING SISTER. 2) GEE I FUCKING WONDER WHY, couldn’t be that you’re a shitty human being?!?

There’s a scene where Music is walking and she does ALL the stereotypical behaviours at once... just YIKES

Zu somehow stopped another meltdown just by grabbing Music by the shoulders and sitting her down???

Aaand yep. Another shitty musical number

Zu really goes to put her sister in a fucking facility and claims it’ll be “better for her” - BULLSHIT. Better for Zu, maybe, not Music.

Ah yes - the girl who the characters have said has problems with routines being changed/change in general... you’re now going to fuck up her routine by dumping her in a facility. Perfect Plan.

The nonverbal autistic girl suddenly speaking to say “don’t go” - you can just predict it from the off, can’t you?

Love that as soon as Music starts talking, Zu is like “fuck it, I’ll keep her!”

Zu really went and crashed Ebo’s brothers wedding... in a fucking bralette... YIKES

“I almost gave Music away” - SHE IS NOT A DOG YOU DONT GIVE PEOPLE AWAY

“We should sing a song” - PLEASE DO FUCKING NOT

Also that kiss/romance montage between Zu and Ebo was the CRINGIEST fucking shit ever

This movie seems to be implying that Music has locked in syndrome or something, like she’s locked in her own head or whatever it’s called, and I just... *sigh*

Oh and now Music magically fucking sings in a room FULL of strangers... this is literally embarrassing, please let this end

I mean it, this movie was fucking painful to watch on ever level

She got a service dog puppy which... okay?

Oh look, it’s the only decent song on the soundtrack but with an absolutely shitty over-stimulatory music video with the credits!

I can only name 5 characters in this film. Maybe 7 at a push, but even then I would be guessing

AND YEP SHE THANKED AUTISM SPEAKS OVER THE CREDITS. FUCK YOU SIA 🖕🏻

Let me reiterate: this is a movie about a neurotypical former drug addict whose character development comes from the autistic character, from having an autistic sister she has to take care of. I’m so tired.

We are NOT plot devices or tools for character development. Not once does anyone in this film treat Music like a human being - she’s treated as a burden, a problem, and then like a pet that they decide to keep. Not once is the film focused on how she is feeling - it’s always about Zu or Ebo. The performance itself was so over exaggerated and it made me want to cry when I watched it because this is how the world sees us, and this movie will make it ten times worse. It’s stuff like this that made me think “I don’t want to be labelled as autistic because people will think I’m a certain way”, that made me wait so long before going to the GP to get a referral.

As I said, poor autistic representation aside, the movie is just so appallingly bad. It truly is one of the worst films I’ve watched. If you’re going to watch it, please don’t - or, if you want to because you want to see how bad it is/to raise awareness/critical posts, at least do it illegally. Do not give Sia your money.

#sia #music #music 2021 #music movie #autism #tw ableism #tw meltdown #tw blackface #anti sia #lol sia

[hyperfixatinglove]

Connor for the new ask game! (and/or Frank if you'd like to <3)

!!!!!

Connor

What made me like them

He's so much! He's awkward but also highly intelligent (given, since he has supercomputer as brain), he's literal, can be empathic but have self-doubt, doesn't know where he stands in life and is just barely begun to finding out his place in the world. It's a lot. His story is also the best of the game and I highly wish the whole game would've been just Connor and Hank shenanigans.

I think the bottom line is how I just could project him being autistic onto his traits. The coin tricks? Stim! The tasting of blue blood? Stim again! The programming he can use to blend in better with humans? Masking!

I know robots = autistic is harmful trope in fiction that has been for centuries, but I think Connor unintentionally gets it at least somewhat right.

My favorite thing about them

He loves dogs!

I can easily see him post-revolution spending time in dog parks and taking care of Sumo whenever he can.

He also can save fish in his very first chapter, so I think he likes aquatic life as well.

Then there's the interpretation of when exactly Connor deviated. I know he deviates because Markus persuades him to, but personally I believe he was deviant for far longer, he just didn't want to admit it. His potential saving Hank multiply times, saving the fish, letting deviants go, admitting he's afraid to die (which is explicitly noted to be exclusive to deviants for androids).. There's lot of evidence if the player chooses that Connor has been balancing the line of deviancy a long time.

Also I love how from the very first proper scene with Hank, Connor utterly refuses to listen to his directions and orders despite androids being designed as forced to execute orders. (If only bc at the time Cyberlife's orders were more important but hey stubborn!Connor)

Nicknames we have for each other

I would probably call Connor "my favorite android" or variation as fond joke. I doubt he'd appreciate being called Connie and it sounds a little weird to me.

I have not decided on my Android name since it gets bit boring to have same name in every AU. Maybe Abbess or Albany.

If Abbess Connor would call me Bess. And I like that, so Abbess it is.

A headcanon of our relationship/friendship

Here's two androids meeting each other because they're next door neighbors.

I have this elaborate AU where I'm housekeeper android post-revolution who ends up in Ushio's care but after Arcadia is dealt with I find my own place and end up meeting Connor.

I personally don't think Connor is truly as confident as he displays himself to be, especially after deviating and being ashamed of his past as deviant hunter. So we're both anxious messes, but we help each other. Moral support androids unite!

Connor also tends to be quite logical when trying to connect dots, but he brings up interesting points, so I could see us gently debating about many subjects ranging from philosophical questions to what dog breed is the best.

My favorite image of them

There's something in this little moment where Hank pushes him, asking why he didn't shoot two deviants when he had the chance and if Connor's been empathic to this point he gets visibly shocked by being pushed. It's neat.

Anything else!

I hate how part of the fandom has made Connor out to be some baby who needs to be protected. He has puppy eyes, is cute, but he's designed after a man in his 30s! He's killing machine! He's free to do his own choices and it's the whole meaning of the game & his own storyline!

I also hate how some claim Connor's replacement of Cole (Hank's deceased son) by claiming Connor is his son. You simply cannot replace a child and the game already showed how wrong & how easily that kind of scenario can turn abusive with Todd & Alice. The venomous hate towards Hankcon is also uncalled for, just ship and let ship & use blacklist my god. (I say after being in Hankcon hell for 2+ months straight)

I like to think me & Connor would get along, from what we see of Deviant!Connor he seems like gentle man. My favorite fanfics have been ones where he can slowly make a life for himself, gain friendships and find little hobbies like taking care of fish tank or going to dog parks on weekends. The focus on him just finding what he finds enjoyable in life after he's basically left with no purpose.

I doubt I'd get along with Hank much, aside from our love for swearing.

I'm yeeting the damn triangle things off of the uniforms smh.

Frank

What made me like them

He's realistic, he's uneasy around zombies, he's ambitious, he's bastard but still chooses to help others, showing he has heart of gold underneath all his less than stellar aspects. He's naturally curious, which most likely contributed to his career choice. He's almost just some guy, but has such wrestling moves I doubt he fully is. There's just a lot to like about Frankie for me.

I also easily latch onto the protagonists of zombie games as coping mechanism :D But Kyle, Frank & Deacon are all so different from one another I don't really mind.

My favorite thing about them

The balance between serious and corny jokes. He knows when to take things respectfully and when to joke and I laugh at every single one. Also how he doesn't attempt to joke in Willamette since he's constantly on the run and on edge.

His fashion sense is another, he has such variety from typical "hideous" dad summer clothes to turtleneck and jacket combo.

How deep his character can be, his joking in OTR can be taken as extreme and inappropriate coping mechanism to his PTSD that's constantly aggravated by the outbreak, his stoic way of speaking and silence in DR1 can be taken as him being aloof (god I feel that so much), he can be taken as glory hound with secret heart.

Nicknames we have for each other

Mine will always be Frankie. I love how it's canonical, used by the villains and even Chuck! For pet names, I'd use lovely, dear and baby. I feel like Frankie would itch to use baby for me too, but I don't like it. I say it purely because he has said he likes it.

He exclusively calls me AMV, unless there's pet name like sweetheart or darling involved. Frank would also call me his missus.

A headcanon of our relationship/friendship

We are both aloof and it takes time for us to "get" each other, after the dust settles from Willamette. We did form attachment quite quickly, in part due to the massive trauma of being in the middle of first ever outbreak. We were both insecure our feelings were nothing more than shitty coping mechanism that would fade away easily and soon. Despite the intensity of our respective crushes that evolved into full bloom love.

Him constantly bolting in and out of security room didn't provide a lot of opportunities to get to know him, so my crush was superficial at first, he was cute and seemed kind so there was crush. I knew next to nothing about Frank, even after we moved together out of impulse weeks before he started to work on his book that would make him famous. Not that he already wasn't by leaking the story of Willamette. The first nights we just discussed whatever came to mind in effort to truly to get to know each other.

Though by the time he had his TV shows and radio podcasts, we were deeply in love with each other.

My favorite image of them

I headcanon first pic is his character tic when he thinks and also the one where he grips his own chin.

Anything else!

He's my bastard.

Also I'm pretty sure his bite mark is in his neck. I have headcanon where you need to apply Zombrex close to where the bite is located to maximize the drug's effects. Frank always dosages Zombrex through his neck and this fits his personality but why neck? Katey was shown receiving it through her shoulder (bite mark in wrist), so clearly it could be applied almost anywhere that's close to the mark. It's clearly painful for both of them as even Frank winces from the needle. But neck is more sensitive than wrist?

Frank are you just so extra?

#friends #frankie #letters of love #long post #you always deliver huh sunny ♥

[dionysianfreak]

some spicy things I do in my practice because of ADHD

given that it's literally my brain, adhd takes over a lot of things in my life. it finds a way to wiggle into everything I do in both bad and good ways. it's just how it is being neurodivergent and it's just how life goes for me, but that doesn't mean it doesn't aid me in many ways. growing up we aren't taught about mental divergency. we're taught the abled and neurotypical way and that's it, but in truth neurodivergent people only struggle due to not having the resources to do things the way that'll let them work efficiently. so here is a list of ways my personal adhd effects my pagan practice and ways I incorporate it into my worship !

stimming

stimming ! i stim a LOT and sometimes, if the emotion I feel is strong enough, they turn to uncontrollable tics. this also means that when during things like rituals, I'll have to pause so I don't tic and ruin something. this is totally normal and okay ! I've never once had a problem with it, and the Gods just patiently waited for it to pass as it always does. we both know it's just something that happens and it's apart of me, it isn't something to be ashamed of or hide.

accepting stimming once I was diagnosed was also something I did as a devotional act to Dionysos ! instead of trying to mask or push down the urge to stim, I'd allow myself to just let it out. my stims vary between very overt to covert, and accepting the overt ones as normal was a feat worthy of devotion imo. you can also keep stim toys on your altar when you're not using them, if you wanted to.

time and schedules

consistent worship ????? never heard of her. same goes for offerings. sometimes I give 294894 offerings in a day and sometimes I've given one offering in a week, it just depends on my ever changing behavior. there's no need to be stuck on a schedule if you don't want to or even make one to begin with. when I first started out, I asked Hermès, Apollon, and Dionysos (who I worshipped at the time) if I should make a schedule and the no was so hard I haven't asked since. my worship is a part of my daily life, as just like I don't drive places every day I don't worship every day. both are still important in my life regardless if I'm actively doing it or not. if you stuggle with consistency, I urge you to speak with the Gods you worship and see if making things more fluid would help !

hyperfixation is also a pain in the ass sometimes, especially when it becomes something other than paganism. due to the free nature of my practice and that I've chosen to devote, it sometimes translates into "well I don't haveeee to do this" and suddenly poof, all the motivation is gone. it's VERY hard to come back when your brain is so wired on something else entirely, and I understand the feeling. during these times I personally do very small things to keep up. if I make dinner for myself, I'll offer a portion and eat with the Gods just to show that I'm participating even when I'm struggling to. the small things count.

RSD - Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria

my RSD is crippling in my life, and it's reach extends to paganism sometimes as well (if you're unaware, RSD is the extreme sensitivity to perceived rejection in any form). sometimes during readings I receive a card that I believe is saying something "negative". sometimes it's criticism, sometimes advice, sometimes it's a slap on the wrist, but no matter what it is in reality I'm at the mercy of my brain to interpret it. so this has lead to meltdowns, long depressive/anxious episodes, and crying fests when I think a deity is angry with me. it has gotten so bad before that delusions have appeared and made me believe false memories or feelings of hatred from the Gods.

it's so hard and I'm so sorry if anyone else has to deal with it. to help with this, I have to fight to remind myself that advice is not an attack. the Gods are trying to help me and, even if They were angry at me, I've made mistakes before and They've allowed me to grow from them. i also have a checklist of questions I ask myself to allow logic and reality back into my head. a few questions include "have i done anything recently that's worthy of anger from a God ?", "is this something that will last forever ?", and "is this a message that has something to teach me ?".

impulsiveness

ask most people with ADHD about being impulsive and you'll probably receive a nervous side glace. we're impulsive often, which can do a multitude of things in paganism. one, starting a devoting and never finishing it. i am SO guilty of this one, and it make me feel bad even now. i have plenty up unfinished plans, drawings, and other devotional items that look around and guilt me. I've been in this cycle for a year and I don't think I'll ever grow out of it, but from what I've noticed the Gods don't mind. doing some of a devotion is a wonderful feat, and the energy that took is a wonderful offering even if you don't finish it.

I'm sure other adhd people and probably some autistic people have been in the position of "I just discovered this new Deity and oh my god I NEED to worship them RIGHT NOW or I'll DIE". They're just SO COOL and you automatically feel a connection. then three weeks later you feel demotivated to worship Them and now you feel terrible about it. don't worry, me too. to help with this nowadays I personally honor for a bit then worship if the worship relationship doesn't involve any help between us. this is what I did with Pan, and it worked VERY well for me. i recognized our connection but I didn't feel the pressure to consistently worship Him.

back to the start of the second paragraph, if you're stuck in that situation just communicate with the Deity. it can be hard to admit you're wrong, especially with adhd. however, just sitting down and calling to Them to let them know how you feel and that you think you made a mistake is a huge communicative step !

demotivation

this. one. sucks. inbetween hyperfixations, being stressed out or anxious, going through a depressive episode, and more can cause very deep demotivation and loss of energy in people with ADHD and other disorders. sometimes I'll just lay in my floor with my headphones on for hours because I literally can't find the energy to get up. a lot of people worry that this directly conflicts with Paganism and would slow progress. i understand why it seems that way, especially since adhd is a very "GO FAST, DO THIS THING N O W" disorder. there's actually a few solutions here I can think of

devote your personal healing to the Gods as this can give your brain a "reward" and can help you personally feel better in many ways. after weeks without a shower, devote a bath to a Deity or maybe eat breakfast at Their altar if you haven't been eating much. allow Them to be your motivation

take a break entirely. paganism certrainly isn't a 24/7/365 commitment and your practice molds to your needs. if you're just absolutely knocked out and need rest, take a break. I've taken MANY breaks before. I've been forced on breaks too because the Gods noticed my mental health declining before I did. never feel ashamed for needing time for yourself

do multiple small things rather than big things. a little bit of your dinner when you eat, redecorate Their altar or space, listen to music that reminds you of Them, think of Them when you're out and about in case you see something. you can weave devotion into daily acts in order to reinforce mundane things you need to do and calm your mind about paganism.

and finally, miscellaneous list of other things I do that are too small for their own section.

if you need to keep track of divination readings, no need to write down every reading you've ever had in detail. you can voice record them as you go, take photos of the cards, or use apps like Labyrinthos that can act as a tarot log.

your altar doesn't need to look perfect, it should reflect your worship and your devotion to a Deity. this means if your altar looks like a mess, as mine ALWAYS do, it's perfectly okay ! clutter aesthetic altars are the most beautiful altars in my eyes, and they're so worthy of adoration. I've never once heard of a Deity disliking an altar, They appreciate our work to put in a space just for Them. let your altar look messy and wild as you want, altars don't need to be aesthetic or color coordinated

you see everywhere that many of us are devoted to one deity in particular or multiple, I fit in here too. i just wanted to say that you never have to devote to any Deity if you don't want to. you could worship when you need help from a specific Deity or worship a different deity every month. never feel like you have to tie yourself down just because other people feel comfortable doing so.

you don't have to celebrate every festival. it's okay to skip celebrations that don't really apply to you or are at an inconvenient time ! you could also reschedule if you find yourself wanting to celebrate but burnt out or busy.

#hellenism #pagan #Paganism #hellenic #hellenic worship #hellenic pagan #hellenistic polytheism #polytheist #polytheism #greek gods #deity #greek paganism #adhd #neurodivergent #neurodivergent pagan #tips and tricks

[softer-ua]

in regards to what you pointed out a few posts ago, ngl one of my least favorite fandom things is when they make Kaminari the Har Har Stupid Joking ADHD Bi Playboy Who Is Never Serious Trope. like, he's very smart, 'worst in ___ area of a UA course' is very impressive and I don't remember if it even said that or just that he was studying with some other students, worried about his grades overall, calls himself stupid with implied insecurities about it, and didn't think he was very smart compared to the other people in the course. quirk overuse makes him loopy, incoherent, and think everything's funny. and yeah, he's a bit of a flirt and made a few perverted comments and actions that he clearly didn't think through that well. I'm pretty sure he's not ever stated to be bi in the manga because it was written by a coward, so I think people should think more about why they're associating and pairing together the idea of "hot flirty playboy who if legally able would sleep with everyone he meets" with emphasis or joke in the captions of whatever the content is on him being bi. I don't think this is inherently bad, even put together, but the execution feels kind of :/ and shallow. and I mainly just wish they'd pause to consider if there's any reason (subconscious or intentional) why one of those makes them think about the other, and at the very least lean back to see if they're blatantly making those traits centric around each other and tweak how they're showing them a little. Part of this is also because it's basically his fanon sexuality, but then they stick together "oh he's bi and everyone thinks that" and "he's made flirty or perverted comments and actions in canon at some point" and then mentally exaggerate and have this Canon Image of him as *waves hand at above* and I don't think that's happening consciously in most cases but. again. Cookiecutter Bi Party Playboy Who's Made a Date Offer to Everyone In The Building. not a flirty Person or a Playboy who is bi and flirts with more than one genders

I myself headcanon him as adhd and while the exact sexuality depends on my mood I think of/have him as bi in a lot of my content, but it's the same thing with why non adhd people see how he acts and label "adhd!" Especially about comprehension speed and derpy acting and intelligence and attention span jokes/tropes. Again, not bad in and of itself, but the specific parts of his behavior that make them think he's adhd, or that they start making jokes about or Ha Ha ADHD'ing, or that they think is why we project ADHD on him, (which they aren't necessarily wrong about, but like right in a really disrespectful look at how funny this is oh look squirrel way that's only funny when adhd people are doing it and it isn't all mocking like that) when they see other people calling him adhd, are the wrong ones, I think, and it shows in their characterization of him.

I'm not saying that any of those traits are bad in a character, but as a queer adhd girl with very high annual test scores and Gifted Kid Intelligence but extremely poor grades, focus, and brain damage (admittedly nothing like his, it was a longterm passive thing that mainly just made me have a Lot of Really Bad headaches, and closest thing it did to me was make me sluggish and emotional on bad days and also techincally have the potential kill my language bit if left untreated or the surgery messed up, which it didn't, and it won't be a problem again. but even after explaining that it wasn't cancer or any sort of tumor, and after seeing it do very little at all to affect my behavior outside of irritability and performance, because y'know, constant migraines, gone after the surgery but this was before that, Certain People I Was Vaguely Kind Of Acquaintances With started to treat my like I was a fragile glass thing going to to drop dead and revive myself speaking like a comic relief cartoon crazy person at any moment which was. patronizing.) I've since had surgery for, the way the fandom combines them into stereotypes and portrays them really just rubs me the wrong way- "Flirty Bi(tm) Playboy" "Har Har ADHD Can't Focus Or Get Things After They're Explained To Him, He's Still Confused And An Idiot" "Stupid Person With Brain Damage Who Can't Take Care Of Or Think For Themself And Acts Stupid And Funny For People To Laugh At" which tbh is super ableist even and especially when people irl do fit that description, and also reminds me of the Autistic Person Freaking Out And Being Dramatic sense of humor. And I know it's not helped by canon, because it done for comic relief and to limit his powers, but explored more I think it as a limitation could have been used way more interestingly than canon did and also call me biased but that quirk induced brain frying sounds at least as concerning as Izuku's quirk's backlash.

And it's a shame!! Because he's so much more interesting than that! Instead, the fandom gives me the Cookicutter Funny Bi ADHD Flirt Who's An Idiot and I am sad about it.

tbh it reminds me of what happened to percy jackson, esp with the ADHD Idiot Trope thing. which sucks because apparently it originated in the author making up stories around characters like his adhd and dyslexic kid inspired by Greek myths to tell him after running out of actual myths because it was his special interest and he wanted more. and then the series got kind of all over the place and the fandom processed that the adhd and dyslexic main character who does dumb things sometimes but is very combat smart and great at strategizing and leading gets bad grades and has trouble focusing and has, y'know, adhd, and made him the ADHD Idiot and erased his Gifted Kid girl friend's traits and ADHD and dyslexia into No Nonsense Calls Him an Idiot And Thinks He's Stupid And Has To Tell Him What To Do And Manage His Life For Him and honestly that just kind of sucks and it reminds me of what happened to fandom Kaminari. and now that I think of it people have jirou like that around him a lot too.

im fine with you answering this publicly if you want or have something to add but probably tag as ableism and maybe a biphobia mention content warning for people who don't have the energy to deal with thinking about those kinds of negative things rn because I kind of Went Off About It

I love this! Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experiences 💚(and double thank you for tag suggestions)💚

I couldn’t agree more that a lot of fandom has messed up Kami’s character, which is why I’ve kinda been posting more about him cause he’s just stuck in my head.

I think a lot of fandoms have trouble with characters like this, people have a hard time with duality in characters and fast/fun posts are easier to make if you flatten a character down.

The did it to Kami, they did it to Percy, they did it to Ron Weasley, they do it to Thor, the list goes on. If being the Smart One ™️ isn’t your thing and you can be goofy than you get pigeonholed into the idiot trope.

I feel for Kami a lot(probably because I have adhd/brain damage too)

It sucks when you’re smart but it’s not the traditional, measurable kind of smart(even if by national comparison Kami technically is).

I got terrible grades growing up, and I pretty much got the absolute lowest gpa you can get and still graduate. But absolutely no one would have known if I didn’t tell them, because I’m not dumb.

(It’s okay if you are “dumb”, I love me a head empty just vibes friend. You’re 100% valid, stil worthy of joining discussions, and should be listened to and taken seriously. This just isn’t about that tho)

I joke sometimes that I’m clever and witty but not smart, because that’s exactly what it feels like.

I have lots of thoughts and ideas that I think I articulate pretty well, I am excellent at finding the humor in things and expressing it in a way that’s funny to others too, and there is almost zero problems I can’t find a work around. And the people in my life love it, and they love to use it.

But eventually everyone in my life finds out that I’m not smart. They see the way I have to pause to Google how to calculate a tip, that I don’t know the name of all 50 states or even where to find them on a map, or I legitimately just can not spell (if you ever see a post where it looks like I used a weird word choice it’s probably because I tried 4 times and autocorrect+Google couldn’t help me and voice to text wasn’t an option)

No one ever questions my intelligence until they find out about my adhd and/or catch me struggling with it. After the mask comes off it’s like they can’t even hear me anymore, nothing I say could be true or matter because I’m now just the goofy accident prone spacy girl. My family literally calls me Spacy

And ya know what sometimes I just let people think that because it’s easier, it’s easier than explaining that I’m dyslexic and that I didn’t have a single geography/history clas until 10th grade and shocker the capital of Iowa doesn’t come up much by then. And it’s easier for me to laugh off losing my keys again than dwell on the fact that sometimes it feels like I’m losing my marbles.

And I wouldn’t be at all surprised if after this post I get a lot more “fact checkers” and push back on anything else I post.(not talking about people who want to genuinely engage,y’all are always welcome, I’m talking those people who don’t wanna look it up themselves but no longer trust me to know what I’m talking about)

Kami is a sweet brilliant boy. He’s in a nationally high ranking school, he loves the weather channel, he’s careful about his quirk that could easily hurt his friends in combat, he has a very high emotional intelligence level, he wears dorky shirts with electricity puns on them, and he pays attention to his friends and remembers a lot of little things about them.

He wants to be a hero and he takes that seriously, and the series has tried time and time again to tell y’all that smiling and laughter are an important part of that. Kami excels at this part! So what if his history grades don’t rival the top of the class, the top 5 students would struggle hard to do what Kami does.

Iida can’t relax, Momos rather shy, Todo struggles with social cues, Midoriya is canonically not funny, and jfc where to even begin with Katsuki. I’m certain they’ll all grow up to be excellent heros in their own right, but none of them are going to bring the level of joy and camaraderie that Denki can. You can’t test that into someone.

Kami also just notices people differently and has any easy way of joining in with them, he doesn’t struggle approaching Katsuki or Shinso. Sure he doesn’t hit the the nail on the head the same way Deku does but he’s the only one who has the guts and skills to try. Also he’s not that kinda friend, he’s not looking to a save these guys but pal around with them

I think Kami 100% realizes what a special case and tough nut to crack Bakugo is, I don’t think he’s just careless or too dumb realize his life’s at stake or whatever.

I think he’s purposely testing Bakugos boundaries all while trying to not be a threat to Katsukis actual ego and calling Bakugo out when he needs it in a way that not to serious. Kami knows how to be just goofy enough that he’s approachable. He’s also keyed in that the way to Bakugo is through Deku, meanwhile everyone else is stuck believing the opposite.

Kami also realized how important music is to Jiro and saw an opportunity to let her display her skills and combin the two worlds she lives, and he wasn’t afraid to get some back lash from her for it.

Like Deku Kami isn’t afraid to be uncomfortable. You really can’t teach that level of social ease, you can teach the posture and feed people a couple of lines but it’ll never hit the same. Funny approachable people have spent a lifetime learning the craft, usually out of necessity.

It’s actually what gives me the biggest adhd vibes from him, because adhd is (speculated to be) a dopamine deficiency disorder. People with adhd are constantly trying to raise their dopamine levels, and that means looking for praise and reward and nothing makes the human brain light up faster than postative human connections.

Adhd children struggle a lot with connecting with peers and often find making people laugh a fast way into people’s circles and makes it more likely people will overlook being interrupted or spaced out on.

Also adhd people are pretty much forced by their own brain structures to be genuine in all they do, low dopamine levels make it very hard to do things you don’t enjoy because there no promise of dopamine from the activity and you don’t have enough to spare, plus impulsiveness makes it really hard to not show when you do or don’t enjoy something.

I agree that Kami is also painted as overly perverted at times, he’s a little flirty but in a fun casual way but it’s not the foundation of his personality and it’s really mellowed out over the course of the series.

And while I subscribe to the bi hc from his interactions with Jiro and Shinso, we should all be very mindful that we don’t lump these characteristics together. The are separate facets of his personality that are not dependent on each other in anyway.

Kami deserves all the respect and love, I can’t wait to see our electric king again 🖤⚡️🖤

#tw ableism #ableism #tw biphobia #biphobia #softy answers #I have a sorta sad one shot about Kami and his quirks effects #should i post it?

[divine-motion]

don’t fucking interact if you ship t/cest and minor/adult ships

more shitty phone photos of sketchbook sketches for my tmnt fan incarnation/tmnt 2012 rewrite bc i have no shame and i’m having fun with it! pictures should have captions since i spent time writing them out, but tumblr might mess it up, so in case captions doesn’t work: 1. left to right: leo, donatello up, raphael down, michelangelo 2. Casey Jones up top, April O’Neil to the right, donatello in the middle and karai at the bottom 3. casey and don again, raphael to the left, mikey at the bottom just bc i liked how their their expressions turned out and didn’t want a bunch of negative space so don and case appear again 4. size chart featuring turtles. left to right: leo, don, mikey, raph 5. sketchy Slash design. big boy.

general thoughts character stuff below the Keep Reading. A Lot of rambling below so beware!!

April: 15 years old, trans and bi. local fifteen year old telepath finds out that not everyone is able to feel what other people are feeling, something she’s been able to do since she was six after she played in that one weirdly glowy puddle (early Kraang mutagen attempt that only managed to mutate April in the sense that it gave her telepathy, was originally intended to make humans become part of the Kraang hivemind). she’s largely unfazed by the existence of mutants and aliens, taking it in stride, and finds out about the Kraang - and meets the turtles - while snooping around TCRI business (aspiring journalist that she is) and accidentally witnessing the mutation of Snakeweed. her telepathy, which later as she grows in power alongside the turtles extends to telekinesis and basically possession, is very useful whenever she gets into a scrap since she can predict what moves her opponent will make, thus letting her dodge their blows effectively. personality wise she is a very determined and driven young girl, incredibly curious (and cannot mind her own business, she wants to know all the drama while not having to be part of it... which makes her very fortunate to be a telepath. listen she’s 15 she’s allowed to misuse her powers a little bit. as a treat.), playful, and cheerful, and she’s an extroverted autistic. in her spare time between her studies, she likes to play bass, sing, read, and write. that, and investigating whatever shady business is going on in town, and she makes it very clear to the turtles that even if they weren’t going to deal with the Kraang, she’d continue to try to stop them herself. she would like to not live under the threat of her or her loved ones getting mutated, thank you very much! and, you know, it’s kind of exciting. kind of.

i know it’s bc i have brain issues when it comes to parent figures but i am very much leaning towards Splinter not being... a good dad. i don’t think 2012 Splinter is a good dad anyways but i’d probably amp it up, make him a mix of 2012 and idw probably. i’m still mulling it over but like, remember in the season 1 finale when leo is watching his show and thinks the captain guy making a totally unnecessary sacrifice is a heroic move, and then Splinter tells leo (his fifteen year old child) that leo should know what or who to sacrifice, more or less telling him to sacrifice his brothers’ lives, potentially?? i know there was a lot at stake but hello??? i remember watching it and being like me: ah i see, this is showing that splinter is wrong and there is no need for any sacrifices as seen in the show when the captain Goes Down With His Ship for no reason other than just sacrificing himself, and leo will see that- leo: *tries to sacrifice himself twice in the finale, both times being kind of unnecessary/seemed like if he had just hurried or done something slightly different there would be no need to stay behind, and he gets out fine with no consequences, seemingly no injuries, and does Not learn anything, his brothers don’t even get sad when they think he died or get mad at him for pulling such a dumb move) me: surprised_pikachu.jpeg

like that moment haunts me. has any other splinter told their sons to sacrifice himself or his brothers? has any other splinter put that on them??? idw doesn’t count if he has bc he’s more explicitly supposed to be bad so???

sometimes writers think they’ve made an uncle iroh but they really, really, really haven’t. also his backstory is the same as in the show

anyways. Donatello: 15 years old, bog turtle, nonbinary (he/they, doesn’t mind being called brother but doesn’t like to be called “boy” or “girl” or whatever), bi. he isn’t in love with April. no creepy incel shit here. donnie is instead more like a mix between his Rise and 2003 self. he has trouble expressing himself and is pretty introverted, but he is very altruistic, kind, and compassionate. a lot of his inventions are made to help people and he was driven to learn about science and engineering because he wants to find a way to reverse splinter’s mutation, to give splinter his life and humanity back. he feels like he needs to know if splinter would just abandon them if he wasn’t a huge rat man, needs to know if there’s any part of splinter that blames them for being constant reminders of his mutation. other than that, he also likes to make inventions because he’s a dreamer and wants to experiment to see how much of the unknown he can push beyond. also, the best liar out of the turtles. also fairly good at compromising and prefers to solve conflicts without violence he can get a little... “obnoxious 15 year old genius” at times. even when he’s helpful it can come off as a bit “poor dear isn’t as smart as me”, and while he usually gets along well with Raph, he doesn’t handle Raph’s temper well at all (calls him “Wrathael/Wrath” and thinks he’s being super clever) and gets really dismissive of Raph’s “outbursts”.

Michelangelo: 13 years old, diamondback terrapin, unsure about the gender and sexuality thing but he doesn’t think he’s exactly cis and definitely not straight. a bouncy ball of sunshine and surprising emotional maturity and emotional intelligence! more so than his emotionally constipated brothers, at least. it’s on his thirteenth birthday (it was leo’s idea for them to pick dates that would let them have their own birthdays instead of sharing the “Mutation Day”, Mutation Day being another special “holiday”) that the Plot would be set in motion, as he’s finally allowed to go to the surface same as his brothers, and on this first night out they meet April and the Kraang and other mutants. he is a goof still, but he’s capable in his own right and gets frustrated when people treat him like a baby or an idiot because he’s not. he doesn’t always treat everything with the seriousness it should but like. he’s thirteen, he’s having fun. even so, he’s very insistent of taking responsibility whenever he does do something wrong and gets mad if someone tries to take the blame for something he’s done. definitely the most compassionate and empathetic out of the turtles, he’s quick to make friends and is very persuasive due to his earnest nature and good heart. much like donnie, he prefers to solve conflict without violence but does enjoy knocking skulls a lot more than donnie. unlike donnie, though, he is almost overly forgiving and not petty at all. he’s well aware that his kindness and forgiveness may be taken advantage of, but he still likes to approach people with an open hand, even if he knows that it may end up getting bitten. oh, and his hobbies include drawing, cooking, singing, and dancing. he likes to express himself!

Raphael: 14 years old, mississippi map turtle, trans, bi. all his fury is compressed within his tiny body, that’s why he’s so angry all the time! no, he’s not angry all the time, but he does have a short fuse. he absolutely hates his anger issues which leads to a lot of self-loathing, and a lot of frustration as his family members either don’t take his anger seriously or don’t have the tools to help him with it. he’s the physically strongest out of the bunch and the least agile. he loves animals and plants a lot and keeps a lot of flowers in his room, hoping that he can one day become a gardener. as his idw self, he wants to watch things grow, but no matter what he does he seems to be best at destroying things. he’s also the one most self-conscious about how the human world perceives them, as he greatly fears rejection, and is the first one to see something positive with people getting mutated - namely, that maybe this way mutants will be more well known and finally accepted by society, so he’ll no longer be trapped in the sewer until the end of his days. so yeah, he’s a huge optimist, in truth. also he’s great at knitting - great at creating and taking care of things in general - and there’s no leo and raph rivalry this time around. he can get mad at leo but not really more than he gets with his other brothers.

Casey: 15 years old, nonbinary (they/them), bi. teen vigilante who gets inspired to fight mutants and the big time criminals (no beating up pickpockets or shoplifters or whatever, just the ones that are really hurting people) and gets roped into the turtle fam after meeting raph and becoming unexpected friends (everyone was expecting it, once Casey realized that mutants are people and not weird monsters. well, not all the time, anyways). they struggle a bit in school not because of a lack of trying but a lack of time, as their parents work full time jobs and someone has to take care of casey’s little sister. their parents are very loving, but they only have so much time, so casey takes it upon themselves to take care of their little sister when their parents are busy and/or burned out from work. that, and they run into the classic dilemma of vigilante work clashing with school work. as always, they have a short fuse, they’re pretty cocky, they like beating ass, and they like hockey a whole lot. hockey, vigilante work, school, and taking care of their little sister... yeah, they have a lot on their plate. oh, and making their little inventions like the taser glove and their puck bombs, something that they bond with donnie over.

Leonardo: 17 years old, Central American wood turtle, trans, gay. he doesn’t fall in love with his sister oh my god. ahem. so, leo is raised from the start to be a Leader and has to mature very quickly, learning to be an adult way earlier than he should’ve, and as such he is very stoic and quiet, and doesn’t seem to have any hobbies, instead just doing chores and training almost constantly, and when he’s not doing that he’s reading or sleeping in his free time. he’s incredibly protective of his younger brothers and his other allies/friends, even if he acts distant and detached most of the time, and removes himself from situations where they’re having fun to not be the stick in the mud. he loves his brothers and admires them greatly, believing they could be So Much if the surface world would just accept them, and as a result he tries to be The Soldier so his brothers won’t have to. alas, they still get caught up in the Kraang and Shredder business, which frustrates him internally. he is the best fighter out of the turtles on account of having more years to train (and convincing Splinter to wait a few more years before they got Real training bc Come On Dude They’re Kids) but it’s the Only thing he’s good at, along with stealth and his sharp eyes. he absolutely sucks at talking when it isn’t about a mission or something he can script easily in his head. in his mind, he’s supposed to be more of a weapon than a person, an idea that isn’t exactly encouraged by Splinter... but not exactly discouraged either. his arc would be very paralleled with Karai’s, as they would both learn to hate their dads... also, absolutely down for murder, and a lawful neutral at best, putting his family and friends’ safety above all other things and following a strict personal code. doesn’t care too much for society’s laws, though.

Karai: 16 years old, demigirl, lesbian. same backstory as in the show, she’s born as Miwa but gets taken by Oroku Saki and raised as his daughter. however, she doesn’t exactly want revenge against Hamato Yoshi because she believes that he killed her mother. she never knew her mother, so it’s much more difficult to hate someone for taking her mother away, even if it does mean that she never got to know her mother. especially since her father rarely spoke of what her mother was like, and much more about how much he hates Yoshi. instead, her need for revenge is more for the possibly idyllic life she was robbed of, since she believes that maybe, just maybe, her father Saki would’ve been a kind father that would’ve let her have a normal childhood and not be molded into a warrior from the start if her mother still lived. and hey, maybe Tang Shen would be a nice mom too. being trained in the art of deception, Karai has a tendency to talk a lot and say very little, or at least very little that is true. she is rarely ever sincere and acts as if she’s taking nothing seriously, which is part of her defense mechanism to never let anyone close or see her true self. she mocks pretty much everyone, ally and enemy alike, but especially likes to make fun of her father’s henchmen and is always the first to point out their failures. while she does value honor to some extent, she is a bit “flimsy” when it comes to loyalty, especially after the truth about her father is revealed. when that is revealed, she at first just feels very numb, learning that not only has she been nothing but a tool and a weapon for the Shredder from the very start, but also that the idyllic fantasy where her mother still lived, perhaps her life wouldn’t be so different after all. she looks at leonardo and sees a reflection of herself, that her “real” father chose to train his sons the same way the Shredder trained her. she feels stupid for feeling like she’s been robbed of even a fantasy, but it still enrages her. of course, this also inspires her to stay with the Foot Clan... just to get the kill on Shredder.

... yeah. that got long. ahem. i’m very passionate about this unfortunately!! anyways i might draw/write more for it because no one can stop me and i’m having fun

#tmnt #leonardo #donatello #raphael #michelangelo #april o'neil #casey jones #karai #tmnt 2012 #tmnt au