#apparently i have to love the scary and vulnerable parts of me

[cacaocheri]

all my life I thought I was good at self love until I realized that self love isn't just acknowledging the parts of yourself that you think are lovable. no. apparently it also involves loving yourself when you make a mistake and being gentle with yourself when no one else will be. because APPARENTLY only loving yourself when you do a good job and taking that love away when you make a mistake is conditional love. man. who woulda thunk

#what on earth #ive been thinking about this for a while #apparently i have to love the scary and vulnerable parts of me #apparently i need to love the part of me that i think is unlovable #because who else will? #cherry rambles

[disillusioneddanny]

People Watching (Jason/Danny)

Jason leaned back in his seat at the bookshop, his eyes no longer on his book but the couple in front of him.  They were around college age, from what Jason could see. He had started watching them when blond girl started laughing at a joke until she started to cry. It hadn’t been an all that funny joke, either but it was cute the way she seemed to hang on the brunet man’s every single word. From what Jason got from their eavesdropping, they had been together for four years. Or well, forty nine months since they had decided to loudly count out the months. 

She had a ring on her finger but she still called him her boyfriend. And they had talked about meeting in some class, metaphysical philosophy, the guy had supplied. Jason’s heart felt light as he listened to them, he was happy for them, he was. 

It was why he was watching them, why he was listening to the guy, his name was Jeremy, apparently, as he teased Hannah, the blond, about how she acted around the holidays. His heart felt light and he felt a longing that he recognized so insanely intimately. It was the same ache that he got any time he spent time people watching. 

He wanted to feel all that love and emotion for himself one day. Dreamt of the day that he would be able to be attached to the person he was holding, not just having someone warm his bed for the night. He wanted to fall without caution, to be so utterly in love with someone that he laughed at their bad jokes.  

He didn’t know if that would ever actually happen for him, though. How could it when he had screwed up so many things in his life? He had died, come back, become a murderer, a crime lord and practically ruined any chance he had at a normal life. Jason had dreams once upon a time, hopes that he wanted to accomplish one day. He had wanted to go to college and fall in love like the couple in front of him had. That wasn’t in the cards, though, not for someone who was still considered legally dead. 

“They’re so cute it’s disgusting,” a voice said with a snort. Jason looked up from his book to find someone taking a seat beside him on the plush couch, a coffee mug wrapped in their hands. “But yet, I still always get wistful when I see couples like that,” they said softly. 

“Yeah, me too,” Jason said quietly, picking up his mug of tea. 

“I’m Danny,” the man said as Jason took a moment to look over his new people watching partner. He was just a little shorter than Jason, dark black hair was pulled back into a bun at the back of his head. Jason could just barely see a hint of a tattoo peeking out from the collar of Dnany’s shirt. But the thing that really got him, was the crystal blue eyes that seemed to shine in the low lights of the cheesy hipster coffee shop they were sitting in.

“Jason,” the vigilante said with a small smile. “So, I’m assuming you’re a people watcher too?”

Danny let out a hum. “I suppose, I mean, I’m only looking just to live through them vicariously. I’ve never really been in love, at least not seriously,” he said quietly, his eyes glued to the couple, a familiar longing in his eyes. 

Jason gave him a small, tentative smile. “No I get it,” he said with a soft laugh as he looked back at the couple, the man now holding the woman’s hand in his and staring at her like she was the only person in the world. “I have a problem with cutting people out if they get too close. I end up all alone each time, but for some reason I just keep hoping that I’ll find it one day.”

Danny nodded and took a sip of his coffee before he looked over at Jason and gave him a kind smile. “It’s scary,” he admitted quietly. “To let someone get so close, to let them love you, even the bad parts of you that you try to keep hidden away.”

“It is,” Jason admitted, carefully closing his book, taking note of the page he had left it on. “It’s funny, I read so many romance novels, I love romantic comedies but to actually allow myself to feel vulnerable like that in my day to day life? It’s fuckin’ terrifying.”

At that, his new friend let out a soft laugh and nodded his head. “It’s so scary to let someone know me. It’s just so much safer to just not allow people to get close and know all of my secrets. But at the same time,  it’s all just so monotone and lonely,” he said, his eyes still shining with an unspoken sadness. 

Jason knew what he was going to say next was going to sound cheesy as fuck. Knew that there was a chance that Danny was going to laugh in his face. But he had to try, had to just give himself a moment to shoot his shot and see if maybe it would work. How could it not? Even if Danny didn’t know Jason’s exact problems or hangups, he still understood where Jason was coming from. Knew just as well at how terrifying it was to let someone know him. 

“I know we just met, and I started this conversation in a really depressing way,” Danny started, turning to fully look at Jason. “But I actually came over here to get to know you. I saw you when I was ordering my coffee and I just, I wanted to get to know you,” he said before his face turned a bright red as he looked down at his coffee and blushed. “I’m sorry, I’m being weird.”

“No,” Jason said with a small smile. “You’re not, not at all. I’d like to keep talking to you. You get it,” he said, feeling his own cheeks heat up slightly at the admission. 

“I get it,” Danny asked, the corners of his eyes crinkling. Jason just snorted and shook his head. “What are you reading?”

“Anna Karenina,” Jason admitted, showing the cover. “It’s considered one of the greatest pieces of literature ever written.”

Danny smiled, a beautiful thing showing off dimples in his cheeks. “Tell me about it? I’ve never read it.”

A wide grin spread on Jason’s face as he launched into an in depth summary about Anna Karenina and why it was one of his favorite novels of all time. 

Somehow a coffee meet cute turned into a coffee date, and then a coffee date turned into a dinner date. The dinner date led to Danny inviting Jason over for dinner and a movie. And that led to book dates and movie dates, it turned into spending more days at Danny’s house than he did at his safe houses. It led to nights in bed, the lights out and the blankets over their heads as they learned each others deepest secrets, whispering childhood stories and childhood traumas to one another in the safety of the dark. 

Jason found himself falling more and more as each day passed by. He found himself holding Danny in his arms as he dreamed about a house behind a picket fence, and started building a home for himself in Danny’s embrace. 

“I love you,” was whispered between the two of them late at night. Soon Jason found himself meeting Danny’s family, a sister and two best friends who were like siblings to him. And Danny found himself being dragged to the manor to meet the insane hoard of siblings and an emotionally repressed father. 

Secrets were passed between them, talks about their deaths, their lives as teen heroes, the desire to just have something normal. That led to the agreement of being one another’s something normal. 

It eventually led to Jason moving into Danny’s home, boxes carried between them and friends as they unpacked Jason’s things and melded their lives together. 

“I can’t believe we’re doing this,” Danny said with a laugh as he fell onto the couch beside Jason, throwing a blanket over their legs after. He smiled as he held out his hand to show off the silver band that Jason had just given him hours before. 

“I can’t believe you walked up to a random stranger to talk about people watching and it led to this,” Jason murmured, nipping at Danny’s earlobe. Danny snorted and turned his head to give the vigilante a soft kiss. 

“Worth it,” he murmured, cupping Jason’s face in his hands. “Completely and absolutely worth it.”

“I love you, Danny Todd,” Jason murmured, rubbing his nose against Danny’s.  

“I love you too, Jason Todd,” Danny whispered, his lips a hair’s breadth away from Jason’s. “Thanks for letting me in.”

Jason just smiled. “Thanks for not cutting me out,” he murmured before closing the distance between them and kissing his husband deeply.

Come chat with me on the new DPxDC 18+ SFW Discord Server! Dm me for an invite if you're 18 or older<3

#dpxdc #danny phantom #dis writes #dis dreams #dp x dc #dc x dp #dp x dc crossover #dc x dp crossover

[justauthoring]

the bond - chapter thirteen.

*bond: a relationship between people or groups based on shared feelings, interests, or experiences.

word count: 6458

based off of: 3x04, 3x05, 3x06 & 3x07

a/n: ummm so kenny?

tag list: @ernyaeger - @luvelyxp - @urfictional - @decaffeinatedtealover - @ange-lica-3 - @midzuumi - @leiriswhore - @urfictional - @frasheliza - @echothy​ - @usernamehere91​ - @happygirl5798​ - @dwarfnip​ - @hegdus - @cheoriemoawa - @snapdragon-atelier let me know if you’d like to be added!

Criminals.

That’s what Armin had called you all.

Given everything, you doubted he was wrong. You certainly didn’t feel like a hero anymore, not after everything you’d been forced to do and witness. Not stuck out in hiding, being hunted by your own people – and why? Because you want to save your friends? Because you want to protect them?

Because of that you’d been forced to witness and do things you never thought you would. Soil your hands in ways you thought would always be clean. It was one thing killing Titans, creatures you’d thought monsters that had eaten and terrorized the people you knew and cared for. Killed your mother and Ms. Schneider.

But now apparently they weren’t mindless monsters themselves anymore either. They were people too. You’ve killed people.

Let people be tortured.

Everything had changed so quickly, faster than any of you could comprehend. You still weren’t sure if you were doing the right thing, not completely anyways. You all were just doing what you thought was best, with the limited knowledge you had. You felt that way, and you knew your friends did as well – but, you also knew Levi felt that way. Could see it in his eyes as he sat beside you, in his own thoughts. It was one thing to doubt yourself, to know that your friends did as well and another to have not only your Captain, but a man considered the best of the best to have doubts.

Letting your eyes fall shut, you sigh.

“There,” Sasha calls out from beside you, causing you to sit back up and meet her gaze. She sends you a gentle smile, not quite reaching your eyes as she glances around warily before focusing back on you. “I changed your bandages, you should be good for a while.” Briefly, you watch as she moves your old bandages out of sight, and you frown when you notice how much they’ve bled red..

Shaking your head, you smile back at her, you set your hand over her own; “thank you, Sasha. I really appreciate it.”

Taking back her seat next to you, Sasha nods; “you had me worried. I’ve never seen you look like that.”

Meeting her eyes, you frown; “like what?”

“...Weak.”

It’s blunt, but true. You’ve never felt that weak either… or vulnerable. At least, not since the day Shiganshina was attacked. Especially since you knew you were skilled, exceptionally so – and a part of you had always known that didn’t mean you were invincible, but you always thought that it would be Titan’s that would be your downfall. Not humans. Both because you’d never expected to fight humans and because you hadn’t thought yourself foolish enough to be surprised like that.

You knew you weren’t invincible, yes, but you hadn’t thought you’d ever feel the way you had the day the wall had fallen again. It was a feeling you fought to forget, desperately so. A soul crushing and burden-heavy feeling that had made you feel small and vulnerable and weak as you watched the ones you loved die. You’d never wanted to feel that way again, especially not when you had new loved ones you wanted to protect.

It had felt strange and scary and humiliating, everyone surrounding you, worried… still now, Mikasa and Armin kept sending you glances, Connie had been particularly more quiet and gentle with you (which was very different then how he normally was) and Sasha had made it perfectly clear just how worried she was.

Even Levi seemed concerned in his own small way.

“Sorry,” you offer to Sasha, smiling sheepishly, “I didn’t mean to worry you.”

“I–”

Whatever Sasha had been about to say she doesn’t have the chance to finish.

“–Captain.”

You frown at the sound of Jean’s voice, head tilting slightly to glance in his direction, letting your eyes drift across Mikasa, then Armin and finally Jean in the back – all three of which had come back from sneaking into the inner city. 

“We brought the supplies.”

Meeting Jean’s eyes briefly, you quickly advert your gaze, trying to ignore the way your heart pangs painfully. You don’t see it because you look away too quickly, but a frown curls onto Jean’s at your reaction, shifting his gaze to his face.

You refuse to let what happened get in the way of what was the priority. Saving Eren and Historia is what mattered now. You wouldn’t let yourself get distracted or be a nuisance to the team again; you were still healing from your injury on your arm anyways, making your movements slower if you needed to fight.

Jean had made his feelings clear and it was silly of you to think the outcome would be any different. You’d seen Jean since the day you met him pine after Mikasa, and it was clear his feelings hadn’t changed even though you’d thought they might’ve. He’d practically been smitten the second he’d laid eyes on her, and who were you to get in the way of that?

Besides, this was hardly the time to be worrying about silly things like that.

And it was stupid of you to ever think it was.

“The Military Police were handing out these,” Armin calls out, stepping towards Levi and extending his hand out towards him. Shifting forward, you lean over Levi’s shoulder, raising a brow at the drawing of what is clearly supposed to be Levi on the wanted poster. “If this is true, the Scouts will be disbanded. I heard they’ll be hunting for us tonight. They’re also putting guards on all the vital roads, and it’s impossible to get through without a pass.”

Inhaling sharply, you glance around, meeting Sasha’s gaze as she sends you a worried glance.

“Captain, what now?”

Mikasa leans in; “if we don’t hurry, Eren…–”

“Calm down,” Levi instantly cuts in, casting a glance Mikasa’s way as he lets the slip of paper fall to his lap. “They’re using a wagon. It’ll take at least a day to reach Reiss’ territory. We’ll have to use that time to come up with a plan.”

Mikasa looks like she wants to argue, but before she can, Sasha speaks up;

“Captain,” Sasha calls out from beside me, “I hear footsteps.”

Back straightening, you feel your body tense. 

“They’re coming this way.”

-

With a frown, you watch as Armin and Mikasa tie the hands of the two Military Police that had, of course, been looking for all of you.

Just like they were assigned to.

The both of them look just barely older than you and the rest of your friends. Still a look of innocence and naivety in their gazes as they survey the area around them. You know you have no choice and that if it wasn’t them, it’d most likely be you – but still, the look of fear in their gaze is enough to have your chest welling with guilt.

Shaking your head, you glance back ahead of yourself – this was no time for regrets.

“Now then… Stohess District Military Police.”

Head tilting to the left slightly, you glance at Levi out of the corner of your eye, noting the slip of paper in his hands. Jean’s standing right next to him so you figure that was something he found off of the gear they’d pulled off the two. And by the looks of it, it was their identification. 

“Private Marlo Freudenberg,” Levi calls out, stepping right in front of the boy before making his way behind him. “Same assignment, Private Hitch Dreyse. As for how we’ll dispose of you…” 

You see it, the second the words leave Levi’s lips; their bodies tense and the girl, Hitch, curls into herself as this pure look of terror crosses her face, eyes wide and in disbelief.

Distantly, your hand falls on your bandaged arm, nails digging into your skin despite the pain it causes.

“Because of you guys, over a hundred people from Stohess District were killed!”

Blinking, you freeze at Hitch’s words.

“Huh?” Levi calls out, his blade thrown over his shoulder as he glances down at her.

The boy, Marlo, next to her, narrows his eyes; “hey!” He calls out, hissing the word.

“You people…” Hitch continues nonetheless, unable to stop the way her voice shakes violently, keeping her gaze ahead of herself, staring at seemingly nothing. “You might think that you’re all heroes of justice, but the victims and their families were dropped straight into hell!”

A beat of silence follows as her words hang in the air, you and your friends glancing at each other before Levi speaks up first.

“Yeah,” he calls, voice blank, “I know.”

Hitch shifts at that, narrowing her eyes at Levi behind her, before she blinks, turning in the direction of Mikasa and Armin, “you there… you’re from the Southern Cadet Corps, yeah?” She doesn’t wait for a reply. “Just like Annie Leonhart.”

A gasp leaves your lips before you can stop yourself, shoulders tensing.

How did she…

But then you remember, Annie had joined the Military Police as well.

“Were you friends of hers?” Hitch asks, “no… I doubt she had any friends. Being as gloomy and aloof as she was. It’s like she was a kid afraid of other people… I never got the chance to know anything about her. And the reason they still haven’t found her…” Her body spins, turning to face Levi as her voice raises and she turns distraught, a nasty glare set in her eyes as she spits the words at him; “is because she was pulverized by a Titan into a puddle of jelly!”

Your face falls at that.

That’s right. Not everyone knew…

“No…” Levi shakes his head, “because the Titan in hiding was… Annie Leonhart herself.” 

Marlo and Annie’s faces fall, shoulders dropping in disbelief. 

“Goddammit, it makes me sick.” Levi huffs, stepping in between them. |Nobody knows a damn thing about this world… not us or anyone else. Except for those bastards at the center of it all.” Letting your gaze fall to your feet, you frown. 

Taking a moment to frown at either of them, Levi sighs before conceding. “We’ll release you both as soon as we get out of here.”

But neither of them look all that relieved, the news that Levi had just revealed to them weighs heavily on both of their shoulders. Hitch folds into herself a moment later, eyes distant and glossed over, glancing at her lap; “Annie was…–”

“Captain Levi!” Marlo suddenly bellows, “please let me help you!”

What?

“I don’t think what you guys are doing is wrong!” He cries, turning to Levi with desperation as he lets the words pour from his lips, rapidly and without thought. “If I can help correct this world’s injustice, I’ll do whatever it takes!”

Levi just stares at him. “What’s with this guy?”

“I beg of you, Captain Levi!”

“Not a chance,” Levi cuts in, no hesitance. “I can’t tell how prepared you are about making an enemy of the government.” Stepping forward, Levi sheathes his blade back into his gear, turning to Armin and Mikasa. “Let’s go. Sasha. Tie them up somewhere nearby.”

“Yes, sir!” 

Levi glances at you briefly, and with a frown, you glance away, moving to follow him before Jean’s voice causes you to pause.

“Captain.”

Levi pauses, and although you know you shouldn’t, you do as well. 

“Please let me do it.”

Levi stares at him for a moment, before he shrugs; “do whatever you want,” walking off without another glance back. But you hang back a moment, meeting Jean’s gaze as a look passes through his eyes, causing your brows to furrow in confusion. You want to ask but before you can muster the strength to speak to him, he’s turning away from you.

You watch him a moment longer before turning the opposite direction, following Levi.

- 

It turns out Jean had had a plan when he volunteered to take care of the two Military Police that you’d captured–a test of loyalty. Marlo and Hitch had proven themselves loyal to the cause, a fact that Levi had readily accepted the second he’d been told and Jean further defended them. And as a result, the two had helped you find a Military Police informant.

With the element of surprise, all of you had easily been able to gain control of the camp and successfully capture the informant.

Levi, through means of torture, had been able to pull what information he could from the man. Levi refused to let any of you assist him and instead keep watch for anyone else–a fact you’d been extremely grateful for.

And then Hange and Moblit returned with good news. Great news actually. The Coup d'etat had been a success, meaning the wager you’d all been playing since the beginning was a success and thus you all were free people now. No longer were you being hunted down to be arrested for treason against the government and no longer would you have to spend your days in hiding. As well as, Hange had been able to find some information about where Eren and Historia had been taken, and this meant you could finally rescue them.

And yet, you couldn’t find it in you to be excited.

Everyone around you had cheered and let out cries of relief at the news, and though you had plastered a smile on your face when Sasha had brought you and Mikasa into her arms and had laughed lightly as Connie bellowed out in excitement, your shoulders felt heavy; weighed down with what you’d heard.

The Military Police informant you’d all captured had information about the group the Military Police had hired. Turns out it was a group led by a man named Kenny Ackerman.

-

“Find your father,” she whispers, eyes falling shut as she falls back, and her grip on your hand loosens. She says her words in a haze, as if not completely conscious. “Find him… Find Ken–…”

-

You can’t rightly explain it but your mother’s final words come to mind. A goal you’ve had since you watched the feet of a Titan crush her body beneath its weight. Find your father, she’d said, a man she’d never talked about. A man you knew nothing about. Not what he looked like or what he did… where he lived or where he’d grown up. You didn’t know how he and your mother met, or why he’d left… you didn’t even know if he knew you existed.

Did he know he had a daughter?

Did he ever think about you? 

Did he… regret leaving you and your mom?

All unanswered questions that had always drifted in the back of your mind. A faceless man that appeared in your dreams or a man you swore you saw walking down the streets sometimes; a man you could’ve walked by a million times now. 

A man you’ve desperately wanted to find since you were a little girl, pressured by the words your mother had uttered just before she died.

“Find Ken–”

You didn’t know the full name. She’d died before she could finish but… but–

Kenny Ackerman.

That’s what the informant had said.

You knew nothing about him–you knew that.

You felt like you were crazy because there was no way, right? No way that the man who’d been hired to hunt you down, kidnap your friends… had killed your teammates… was your father… There's no way the man you’ve been searching for has been hunting you this entire time. It just couldn’t be possible.

Not to mention, the fact that his last name was Ackerman – the same as Mikasa. You’d seen the look on her face when she’d heard it, but you haven’t had the chance to say anything. Even if you had, what would you say? My last name might be Ackerman, too? Mikasa would probably think you crazy, especially since it wouldn’t answer any questions that must be swirling around in her own mind. 

There was nothing to say because it was crazy. Absolutely insane. 

He couldn’t be your father.

He just couldn’t be.

But why did your chest feel heavy and your stomach feel tight and your heart hurt? Why was there this nagging feeling in the back of your head? Why can’t you shake this feeling?

Why was everything telling you that he is?

Pressing your hands to your face, you ignore the feeling of eyes on you, knowing that Mikasa who sat across from you on the wagon is probably eyeing you in concern. You’ve seen the concerned glances she keeps sending you since the four of you had gotten onto this wagon. You hadn’t been allowed to ride horseback, both because of your arm and because there weren't enough horses so you’d been elected to join Mikasa, Levi, Hange and then Armin who was steering the wagon.

“Understand?”

Swallowing thickly, you glance up at Levi whose eyes are already on your own.

“He’s Kenny the Ripper,” he continues to explain, slowly letting his eyes drift from your own. “If he’s there, he’ll be our biggest obstacle. In terms of how much of a threat he is, equate him to me as an enemy. No… with those weapons of his, he’s deadlier than me.”

Kenny the Ripper… God–

Could your father really be that much of a merciless man?

“Then he’s unbeatable,” Sasha calls out with a shaky voice, “at least for us…”

Connie nods next to her; “if we could meet up with the troops–”

“Absolutely not,” Mikasa cuts in sharply.

“I know!” Connie instantly agrees, “absolutely not! If we wait until morning, Eren might end up getting eaten!”

“Though,” Armin says, “if what the captain said is true, it’s not like he has no weak points.”

“For real, Armin?” Jean asks, tilting his head back to glance at Armin.

“Yeah,” he nods, “I’m sure he’s trained plenty, but having combat experience is something else.”

Your heart twists as you hear them talk–hear the way they talk about this man, the fear in their voices… what would they think if they knew you might be related to him?

Would they… would they be scared of you too?

“I wonder, how is it that you lived with Kenny the Ripper but know almost nothing about him, Levi?” Hange asks, shaking their head in confusion as Levi who’s sat next to you.

Frowning, you turn to Levi, curious for his answer.

Levi, while explaining who Kenny was, had gone on to say he’d lived with him during his time in the Underground. Another mystery that had been tacked on to the confusion bubbling up in your head – just how many different lives had this man lived?

Father?

Caretaker?

Had your mother met him in the Underground? No. She'd never mentioned living there, besides, you knew it was almost impossible to get out of the Underground as well–not without selling your soul.

“Sorry,” Levi mumbles, “but I only found out his full name not too long ago. Apparently, it’s Kenny Ackerman.” At that, Levi turns his head to Mikasa; “he some relative of yours?”

Mikasa’s lips part, before her face falls; “I heard from my parents when they were alive that my dad’s side, the Ackermans, were persecuted in the cities. My mom’s family was Oriental, so being a different race meant they didn’t fit in anywhere. Both were people chased deep in the mountains near the edge of the walls, so that’s how they met and married. But I never found out why the Ackermans were persecuted. My dad didn’t seem like a different race like my mom was.”

“Has there ever been a moment where it’s felt like power suddenly awakened inside you?”

Body straightening, your eyes widen, glancing over at Levi.

That was like–

Anger burns through you, courses through your veins, and all coherent thought leaves your brain. All you can think is you want to kill it. You haven’t wanted to kill something, a titan, so bad since your mother and Ms. Schneider died. Since they’d been brutally murdered in front of you as well—

“There has,” Mikasa whispers.

“Kenny Ackerman had a moment like that, too,” Levi explains. “One time, out of nowhere, he felt an absurd amount of strength surging within him and he knew exactly what he had to do. I’ve felt moments like that, too.”

There’s a beat of silence, then you feel Levi’s eyes on you.

“Y/N.”

A lump forms in the back of your neck and you’re unable to ignore the fear welling in you as you slowly allow your eyes to drift next to you, meeting Levi’s gaze with a frown.

“Do you have something to say? You keep fidgeting.”

“I…” Your words trail, not sure what to say. Could you actually say it? What you feared? That this man, this Kenny the Ripper, might be your father? 

That this unbeatable monster of a man might be the man you’ve been looking for?

Lips parting, your eyes dart around you, seeing Hange and Mikasa’s wide gazes on you, before your gaze drifts past, and somehow, your eyes find Jean’s. He’s already glancing back at you, eyes stuck on your own with confusion in his eyes; it’s clear he’s been listening in as you figured everyone else was too.

And the answer is clear then. 

You didn’t want everyone to hear what you feared…

Not because you didn’t trust them but because… well, what would they think of you?

Shaking your head, you blink, gaze hardening as you turn back to Levi, ignoring the voice in the back of your head screaming at you to tell the truth as you answer him; “no, Captain. I don’t. Sorry.”

He stares back at you, gaze piercing and never wavering. It’s clear he doesn’t believe you, not a single bit, and by the scowl that curls onto his lips you know he wants to say something more, question you more but he doesn’t. Levi sends you one last look, before letting his gaze trail back ahead of himself, and the second his gaze is off of you, you let out a huff, slumping against the back of the wagon as you pull your knees to your chest, hugging yourself.

There was no way Kenny was your father.

Your mother had never finished what she was saying–and she’d been delirious! Maybe she hadn’t even meant what she said… she was sick, dying and afraid. 

And that moment, when Faye had died… when you’d lost yourself and gone after Annie in her Titan form… that was nothing but a silly coincidence.

It had to be.

-

Johanna Y/L/N had met Kenny Ackerman when she was twenty-six working at a bar as a barmaid to help save money to move out into her own place. Kenny had been forty-three himself at the time, a few years after he’d left his nephew, Levi, in the Underground to fend for himself.

He’d walked into that bar that night at random. A mere walk out late night and the sign had caught his attention, eyes drifting lower and taking note of how busy the bar was. He’d he didn’t mind having a drink and he had nothing better else to do — so with a simple shrug, he’d slipped off his hat and made his way inside.

Johanna had been the first to greet him, with a wide smile and sparkling eyes, to which Kenny responded with a smirk of his own. The first words he’d ever said to Johanna had been said with a light chuckle; “thank you, darling. You’re definitely a pleasant sight to be welcomed with.”

The night had ended with her leaving with him. 

Johanna wouldn’t say she fell in love with Kenny that night, God knows she’d barely known the man when he’d taken her to his home and the two of them had slipped into his room, hands all over each other, kissing, and while she’d admit she’d had a good night, when she’d slipped out the next morning, she hadn’t thought anything of it.

Kenny had been a passing thought on a random night of work and she’d never expected to see him again. Other than some light teases from a coworker who’d caught them leaving together once her shift was over, Johanna had simply forgotten about him. 

“I’ll never see him again.” That’s what she said when her friend had asked, “but it was a good night.”

And then, she got pregnant.

Her parents had been distraught and angry when they found out, screaming and cussing at her and she’d been forced to leave her own home as a result. Alone, scared and now carrying a child, Johanna had found herself back at the home she’d spent the night at over a month ago. Truthfully, she hadn’t even known if Kenny would still be there. The few things she does remember from that one random night was that his home, or what she assumed was, had been bare—not any of the small touches one would find in someone’s home, like decorations, or clothes, or really anything.

Truthfully, she’d known nothing about him other than his first name, but she was completely alone, abandoned by her parents, without a roof to sleep under that night, and he was the only person she could think of that would maybe help her.

Surprisingly, Kenny had answered the door. The look on his face had been one of disbelief, obviously never having expected to see some woman he’d slept with over a month ago. 

“I’m pregnant.”

Those words had left Johanna’s lips in the dead of the night, completely silent other than the heavy breaths leaving her lips, barely holding back the tears that desperately wanted to fall down her face. Kenny had stared at her for a minute before he finally stepped back, silently inviting her in.

And for about two months they had lived together. Two whole months of just the two of them, while Johanna’s belly grew bigger and bigger. Kenny disappeared regularly, sometimes for days on end, but Johanna never questioned what he did because she knew it wasn’t her place. Really, they never talked at all–not about anything important anyways. They were pleasant with each other, and he’d ask about the baby, if she was feeling alright, but that was about it.

They weren’t together — not in any romantic sense.

Johanna knew it wouldn’t last forever. She continued to work and save money with the hope that one day she’d be able to afford a place of her own; somewhere comfortable. Somewhere for her baby to grow up and live the life she knew her child deserved. She did this without ever saying anything because if she was being honest, she didn’t want it to happen.

She’d kept a secret because she hoped, despite the nerves, that maybe things would just stay this way. Even if he never loved her, even if she never moved him—maybe he’d continue to let her stay so that their baby would grow up with a mother and a father and loved. 

But then, one day, in the middle of the night, Kenny had come home in a panic, eyes wild and breathless, slamming things around enough that it woke Johanna up. At first, she’d been panicked, thinking someone broke in, until the realization set in that it was Kenny coming home—he’d left shortly over a week ago and Johanna had been wondering when he was planning on returning home.

She’d walked into the room only to see him grabbing his things, his clothes and other miscellaneous things, barely noticing her standing in the door until she softly called his name.

He’d glanced back at her, still and silent for a moment, before grabbing the bag in his hands and walking right by her, all the way to the front door. The shock had only kept her still for a second before she felt her feet moving beneath her as she raced to stop him. 

“But the baby…” She’d breathed, watching him with hurt eyes.

Kenny at least had the decency to stop. Shoulders rising and falling rapidly with his heavy breaths, as he glances at her over his shoulder.

“Our baby.”

He meets her eyes, lips parting, and it looks like he wants to say something but the silence follows so Johanna continues;

“I have this feeling,” she whispers, letting her hand drift across her belly as she smiles fondly down at it, trying to ignore the way her heart is racing at the thought of being left again. Or the way she feels like crying, screaming out into the air and begging him to stay. But she just continues to whisper, desperate for it to reach whatever part of his heart that had helped her the night she’d shown up at his door.

“I can’t explain it… but I feel like our baby is a girl.” Sniffling, Johanna raises her gaze, smiling through her tears at Kenny. “Our little girl. Our daughter… I’ve been thinking of names, you know? In my head, trying to find the perfect one… I think—I was going to ask you what you thought of Y/N?”

Kenny doesn’t say anything. Johanna doesn’t see the way his grip tightens on the door, nails digging into the wood.

“It’s a pretty name right?”

Inhaling sharply, Johanna takes a small step forward; “our little girl Y/N Ackerman. Because I have a feeling she’ll be a fighter like her father.”

Silence follows. Echoing, swallowing the room up. It feels like eternity before Kenny says something, does… anything.

“I’m sorry.” Is all he says before he steps through the door, letting it fall shut behind him.

He leaves that night. Johanna waits a month but Kenny never returns.

She saves up enough money to move into a place of her own, and having no one waiting for her, she leaves. All she leaves behind is a single letter but she doubts Kenny will ever find it; ever go back looking for her. Before, he’d never been gone longer than two weeks, and although it hurts, makes Johanna feel like her heart has been ripped into two–her priority is her child.

So she leaves and never turns back. 

Kenny never reaches out to her. Never tries to find her. Johanna gives birth seven months after he’d walked out on her to a beautiful baby girl, named Y/N Y/L/N and Johanna refuses to ever tell her daughter about her father; about Kenny. She’s spiteful, bitter. Johanna didn’t love Kenny and she never expected Kenny to love her either, but she expected him to love you.

She expected him to be there for you.

To be a part of your life.

So, Johanna stays true to herself and never says anything; despite how many times you ask, despite the look of longing in your eyes as you watch other children run up to their fathers, giggling and loving. You’ll be in less pain this way, she thinks. Never having to know that your father chose to abandon you.

That is, until you are ten and your mother dies in your arms and Johanna has the striking fear now that you’ll be all alone. You have no one else. 

So, she finally utters the name she’d refused to speak for ten years.

But she doesn’t finish before her final breath.

-

Kenny Ackerman has not thought of you once since he left your mother that day.

The second that door was slammed shut behind him, he vowed to never think about you or Johanna ever again. And he doesn’t. He moves on, he continues on, not once thinking of you, not once having the wish to see you. He doesn’t keep track of how old you might be or what you may be learning and doing.

He never seeks you out.

He doesn’t think of you.

Years later, Kenny doesn’t remember ever having a daughter.

Until now.

-

The sight of Hange hurt causes anger to rush through you, watching with what feels like red vision as they get swung into one of the pillars and knocked to the ground.

Time seems to slow as everyone freezes, what had been a room full of combat and movement completely stills, terror flooding as you all watch with bated breath. And that’s all it takes. The advantage turns against you and your friends as Kenny’s people are able to gain the advantage and create distance so they’re able to retreat and regroup.

Seconds before Hange had been hurt, you’d been heading straight to Levi for one sole reason–where Levi was, Kenny seemed to follow.

The second you’d seen him swing in, you knew he was the Kenny Levi had been talking about. Mainly because Kenny had not gone for anyone else other than Levi and although you didn’t know everything, you’d know that if Kenny would attack anyone, it’d be your captain. So you’d stuck close and waited. 

Because Kenny was your goal.

You needed to know.

And now, just as you’d been about to reach him, Hange’s gotten hurt and they’re all retreating and–

“Shit,” you curse, eyes flickering past Levi, watching as Kenny slips further and further away.

You act before thinking. Clicking your ODM gear into action to race after him, before your body is collided with another, slamming you back as a cry leaves your lips and the sound of a gun blowing off echoes. 

“Y/N!”

It’s Levi.

It takes you a second to process what had happened.

Levi is hovering over you, and your head turns to the left, catching sight of the woman who’d hurt Hange glancing in your direction, her gun pointed where you’d been seconds before Levi had knocked you out of the way.

She must’ve seen you moving towards Kenny and had acted.

But as your head turns to the right, in the direction you’d meant to go, you catch Kenny’s gaze. He’s far away enough that you have to squint to properly see him–but it’s clear he’s looking directly at you. You can’t make out his face, not clearly, but you feel his eyes on you, watching you.

The determination to reach his bubbles up in your chest all over again.

“Get off,” you cry, trying to get out from the tight grip Levi has on you.

You need to get to Kenny.

This was your only chance.

“Back down, Y/N! Now!”

You let out a growl, fighting him, but Levi holds fast, grip pinching, the tips of his fingers digging into your arm as he struggles back against you.

“That’s an order!”

Huffing, you turn to Levi, eyes narrowed; but your face falls when you see the look on his face.

He doesn’t look angry or annoyed like you’d expected. There’s no scowl on his face as he stares back at you. Instead, there’s a deep frown on his lips, one of confusion and concern as he tries to stop you from running off to what will surely be your own suicide.

“Listen to me,” he orders, voice booming as he glances down at you, pressing you back against the wall; “Hange is hurt, we’ve lost the element of surprise. We need to retreat and find a way to Eren. If you go off on your own, you will get yourself killed.”

He looks panicked, you realize somewhere along the way. Genuinely scared. A look you’ve never once seen on Levi’s face and it knocks you to your senses, the tension in your muscles loosening as you stare back at him.

Chest heaving, you lean back, letting your eyes drift past his shoulder to the right once more.

Kenny’s gone.

“Is that clear?”

Swallowing thickly, you meet his gaze.

“Can I trust you to follow your orders, Y/N? Can we?”

He finally lets go, leaning back enough that you can sit up, gesturing behind him to the rest of your friends. Armin and Mikasa have moved towards Hange directly below you, and from the distance you can see Sasha and Connie, frowning your way. It isn’t until your eyes fall on Jean, him having already been looking at you, does all the fight finally leave your body.

Slumping, you nod over at Levi; “yes, Captain. I-I… I’m sorry.”

Levi nods, helping you up but otherwise doesn’t say anything else before jumping off to where Hange is.

With one last glance where Kenny was, you follow after Levi.

-

“Our little girl. Our daughter… I’ve been thinking of names, you know? In my head, trying to find the perfect one… I think—I was going to ask you what you thought of Y/N?”

Letting out a curse, Kenny shakes his head.

You were the spitting image of Johanna. Even if he had refused to think of either of you, Johanna’s face had never quite left Kenny’s mind–like a taunt in the back of his head that he wasn’t completely conscious of or aware of but the second he’d heard that name and seen your face, Kenny had known.

You were his daughter.

“It’s a pretty name, right? Our little girl Y/N Ackerman. Because I have a feeling she’ll be a fighter like her father.”

“Fuck!”

Landing on his feet, Kenny presses his hands to his face, tugging at his hair. This was ridiculous! What were the odds you’d be here, now? Why were you here? Why were you with Levi?

Figures you’d be a Scout. Figures you’d end up working under his nephew. 

The world must hate him for fate to have worked like that.

That, or it was his karma for what he’d done.

Leaving Johanna that day… leaving you… never having ever come back for you. 

Slamming his hand against the wall, Kenny lets his eyes fall shut, taking in what details he could remember of you, the brief look he’d managed to get at you. The anger in your eyes as you’d stared back at him had been undebatable. 

Did… did you know who he was?

No. That wasn’t possible.

You’d never come looking for him before, why would now be the time?

You couldn’t know.

Pushing himself up, Kenny shakes his head. This was ridiculous. What did it matter that the daughter he hadn't even known looked like until this day was here? He’d never cared about you before and why should now be any different?

Sticking to the plan was important. 

Yeah. 

Achieving what he’d set out to achieve–that was important.

He’d never been a father to you and he didn’t expect to start now.

She’s not my daughter.

That’s right. You weren’t. You never had been.

And you never will be.

#aot #aot x reader #attack on titan #attack on titan x reader #shingeki no kyojin #jean kirstein x reader #jean kirstein #jean kirschtein x reader #jean x reader #levi ackerman #eren jaeger

[francesminos-tt]

Lucemond Time Travel AU Part 3

Part 1  Part 2

140 AC, Driftmark

 “Stay still.” Lucerys says and he leans in, one hand gently resting on Aemond’s shoulder to keep him in place, the other holding a small round sapphire.

Aemond tenses, not sure if it’s from anticipation of pain or Lucerys’s proximity.

“It won’t hurt too much, just sting a little.” Lucerys gives Aemond’s shoulder a reassuring squeeze. He brings the sapphire to his lips, kissing it, using his body heat to warm the cold gem. He blows slightly at the gem before pressing it into Aemond’s left eye socket.

Aemond hisses, trying to flinch away, the sensation of an unfamiliar weight in his eye socket too foreign for him. It doesn’t hurt, like Lucerys said, just feels strange.

“There. Good boy.” Lucerys releases his shoulder and moves away, but not before planting a kiss on his forehead.

“I am not your child.” Aemond declares, wrinkling his nose a little.

“No. You are my husband,” Lucerys agrees, a mischievous smile on his lips, “who acts like a child.”

Aemond wants to retort, but Lucerys has already gone to the cradle near the balcony to check on the infant. Jacaerion, it’s called, only 8 weeks old, the new addition to the Driftmark family. The third born son between Aemond and Lucerys.

“Little Jace is a heavy sleeper.” Lucerys says fondly, rocking the cradle. The baby doesn’t even stir, just continue to drool over a small blanket, sucking on its index finger.

Aemond sticks out his tongue, pretending to throw up. He knows how ridiculous he must look, a grown man, father of three children, and apparently one of the most formidable swordsmen in the whole realm, acts like a grumpy toddler. He can’t help it. He can’t believe he actually agreed to name his son after Jacaerys, of all people. Sure, his son is not Jacaerys Jr, but close enough. They even have the same nick name, for Seven’s sake.

“Stop being so dramatic.” Lucerys says, his back still turned to Aemond, but he seems to know Aemond is being childish again. “I am still counting on you to look after little Jace while I am gone.”

“When will you come back?” Aemond asks, trying very hard not to sound too clingy. He doesn’t need Lucerys to babysit him, but he also realizes this would be the first time he stays alone in the room, with an infant no less.

“Already missing me?” Lucerys jests, tilting his head to look at Aemond. As soon as he sees Aemond’s face, stunning and scary with that sapphire, but so vulnerable at the same time, his heart melts. The brunette tiptoes to the armchair that Aemond occupies right now, and sits on the armrest.

“Don’t worry, you will be just fine.” Lucerys runs a finger through Aemond’s hair, gradually smoothing the strands out. “I just have to welcome the Pentos Prince to Driftmark, maybe have a little chat with him. I will be back before dinner.”

Aemond hums, leaning to the touch. He stopped fighting Lucerys’s totally inappropriate intimacy three days after he first woke up. He has to admit, touching Lucerys does calm him down.

Lucerys proceeds to tie Aemond’s hair into a low ponytail using a hair band from his wrist. The hair band is made from two strands of colorful silk, twisted together, one purple and one soft brown. According to Lucerys, it’s a gift from their twin daughter to Aemond. Vaela and Rhaella, both 4 years old. The girls look almost identical, chubby face and silver hair, but Vaela has soft brown eyes like Lucerys and Rhealla’s eyes are typical Targaryen violet.

“The girls miss you.” Lucerys whispers, proud at his finished work. He loves to play with Aemond’s hair, and he knows the girls love too. Sometimes they would beg Aemond to let them braid his beautiful hair. Aemond tells them repeatedly that he has to look tough to scare away bad men who looks at their mother funny, but he always gives in. Lucerys loves him for it. Aemond is such a good father.

Despite Lucerys’s belief in him, Aemond is not sure. He doesn’t know what a good father is because he never has one. Viserys might be a good king, but he was a lousy father.

“Am I, “Aemond pauses, carefully choosing his words, “a good father to them?”

“Of course you are.” Lucerys answers without hesitation. “They love you and you love them, unconditionally. That’s why I am trusting you with little Jace as well. Don’t doubt yourself, Aemond. Never.”

Lucerys says with such determination that Aemond believes him.

“Now be good while I am gone.”

Lucerys leaves their quarter, unaware that when he comes back, he will be met with the adorable scene of his husband sharing cakes with the twins while bouncing little Jace on his lap.

  121 AC Driftmark

 It’s a sunny afternoon, rare in Driftmark, which reminds him of the day his family go on picnic on the beach. Lucerys was heavy with child that time, so Aemond brought layers of soft blanket and fur to keep him warm and comfortable. They sat beside a huge rock, Aemond massaging Lucerys’s ankle to reduce swelling while the girls chased each other down the shore. Lucerys was eating his favorite lemon cake while rubbing his huge belly, the sun painted his brown curls gold. Aemond knows the beach is his husband’s safe heaven. That’s why he finds Luke on the beach again.

“I brought you cake.” Aemond says softly, not to startle his nephew, “Hope you like lemon.”

Luke’s little face brightens at the sight of Aemond and lemon cakes.

“Lemon cakes are my favorite!” The boy declares, standing up to hug Aemond’s waist. “And you are my favorite person!”

“I know.” Aemond hugs back. He knows Luke likes lemon cake and roast meat with gravy. He knows Luke enjoys a glass of good Pentos wine once in a while. He also knows Luke loves him. He knows everything about Lucerys.

They settle down on the beach. Luke pays no mind to the sands that get on his trousers, neither does Aemond. Luke pops a piece of lemon cake to his mouth, chewing while keeping his eyes on the ocean tides.

“Now, can you tell me what’s bothering you, nephew?” Aemond asks, breaking the silence.

“Nothing.”

“Is it because I will go back to King’s Landing tomorrow?” Aemond moves closer, lightly bumping Luke’s shoulder.

“Yes.” Luke admits after a long while. He turns to meet Aemond’s eye, his uncle still has bandages around the left side of his face. Luke dreads the day Aemond has to go back to King’s Landing and himself to Dragonstone.

“You know I will write to you. Everyday, if you wish.” Aemond reaches out to wipe away some cake crumbs on Luke’s chin. “I will fly on Vaghar and go to Dragonstone if you miss me too much.”

“The Hand won’t let you.” Luke laments. “And the Queen. I am afraid, uncle. What if you decide to hate me after all? I won’t be around to convince you otherwise.”

“I am a prince of the realm. I will do whatever I want.” Aemond says firmly. It is true. He defied his grandfather by asking for Lucerys’s hand. His mother was upset at first but came around after the twins were born. Otto has plans for him, Aemond is well aware; to make him into a solider full of hatred, to be used and disposed in the usurpation. He refused to be a puppet then, and he will do it that now.

“I wish I was confident like you, uncle.” Luke casts his gaze down, playing with the sand at his feet. “I am not good at anything. Except maybe flying with Arrax.”

Aemond almost forgets what an insecure boy his husband used to be. The charming and diplomatic lord of the tides was once a boy convinced he was no good at anything.

“Grandpa wants me to inherit Driftmark, but I don’t want it.” Luke continues before Aemond could say anything.

“And why is that?” Aemond puts an arm around the boy’s trembling figure in an attempt to provide comfort. Touching always calms Aemond down, and he hopes it does the same for Luke.

“If I am lord of the tides, that means everyone is dead.” Luke buries his face in Aemond’s shoulder, his voice a little bit muffled and sounds like he is holding back tears.

Aemond gently pats the boy’s back. He waits for a while before speaking again.

“Then you just have to honor their names by being an excellent lord of the tides.” Aemond says. He won’t sugar coating things for Luke; the boy is not wrong.

“I won’t be a good lord of the tides. I get sea green the second I set foot on a ship.” Luke sniffles.

“You will be.”

“How do you know?” Luke snapped his head up to look at Aemond. His nose is red and his eyes are teary.

“I just know.” Aemond brushes a stray strand of curls from the boy’s face. “Do you not believe me?”

Luke shakes his head violently. Aemond chuckles a little.

“Then that’s settled. You will be an excellent lord of the tides. I will make sure of it.”

#lucemond #aemond x lucerys #aemond targaryen #lucerys velaryon #time travel #fix it au

[aroaceconfessions]

tws ahead of time: venting, discussion of medical examinations of sex organs (pap smear), masturbation mention

so i am. very asexual. sex ambivalent but i’m really just not interested overall. i’m also afab. which means when i’m 21 i’m gonna have to get a pap smear. which is gonna SUCK

being trans makes this twice as bad. i’m low dysphoria but the idea of ANYTHING entering my body like that makes me want to cry. like i get panic attacks at the thought of having to put in a tampon (i’m a pads person) it’s like. bad. technically i’d be able to handle it (had a short period of time before realizing i was ace + trans where i thought i HAD to masturbate bc “everyone did it” (my parents gave good sex ed but normalized masturbation a bit too much lmao)) but i’d hate every minute of it

so the idea of a pap smear horrifies me. first off- i have to let a doctor see me half-naked. this part doesn’t bug me too much because . it’s a doctor and it’s completely non-sexual but i still don’t like the idea of anyone seeing . that

then i’d have to just fucking sit there while they put a fucking giant cold metal tool in my body so they can reach my fucking CERVIX???? and THEN they’d have to brush cells OFF of said cervix??? no. no no NO that gives me such bad anxiety it’s fucking insane.

i’m also terrified it’ll hurt because. i’m not gonna be sexually active and i don’t even fucking use tampons. and i KNOW that if i go to a good gyn then they will find ways to help me be less scared or feel it less but i still hate the idea of sharing that vulnerability. i’m a crier and i do not want to cry in front of a doctor because i’m scared of such a normal procedure. it’s less a fear of judgement and more just a pride thing i think. i know they deal with it frequently i’m just kinda horrified. the idea of coming out as ace to someone who has control over my health is also actually terrifying esp bc i live in texas

if i could i’d just get my whole uterus removed and solve the problem but apparently it “produces important hormones” that i don’t want to throw off balance so. guess i’m stuck

idk i need to talk to my mom about it (she gives good advice) or maybe my aunt (similar feelings towards sex as me) but god it just sounds so scary. i’m incredibly scared for it.

that being said if you have a cervix and are 21+ (25 if ur british) then you do need to get a pap smear once every three years. it may be horrifying but cervical cancer is way scarier. i’m sorry it sucks for us but it’s like life-or-death important. can’t really afford to skip out on it unfortunately :(

if anyone else has similar worries and/or has had a pap smear i’d love to hear about it in the notes. no pressure of course privacy n all but it’d make me feel less alone so if you’re comfy sharing. hope everyone’s having a good [time of day]

#asexual #ace #aspec #acespec #sex ambivalent #sex indifferent #gynecology #gynecologist #reproductive health #reproductive healthcare #pap smear #transgender #trans #enby #nb #nonbinary #non-binary #non binary #trans masc #transmasc #trans masculine #transmasculine #trans man #trans boy #transgender man #transgender boy #trans guy #transgender guy #ftm #afab

[gaias-space]

The Maid And The God

Chapter Three

(Fem!reader, Enemies to lovers, angst, spit, cursing, some violence, 18+)

“Mom? What’s going on? Why are you-how?”

“ Shhh my love come here mommy’s got you”

She held your body while you lay in your bed. She made you feel safe. “What’s been going on sweetheart? Tell me everything” you didn’t quite understand what she meant, yet somehow knew exactly what she meant

“oh mom it’s loki. He’s awful! He always has made me feel so out of place and uncomfortable! I-I don’t know how to act. I don’t understand why he is so intimidating! Or why his parents love him! Who could love such a wretched”-

“Uh uh darling” her fingers shush your lips. “There is a lot you don’t understand my dear. I know your hurting. I know your scared but-“

You can’t control the sobs falling down your face “I am scared. I’m so damn scared mom. I don’t know how to do any of this without you. Everything was fine. Then he showed up and he’s ruined everything! I fear anything I do will start fights with him….I’m afraid I’m already on his bad side.”

You can’t stop rambling to her, crying harder then ever before. “I don’t know what I ever did to him. And now I work for him! And -and” you sniffle into your fist. “I feel so helpless. Why am I here? What am I doing? A servant got a greedy jerk! Everything’s so scary without you mom”

She holds you tighter. You missed her every day and you feel years of pain pooling out. “Hush now my little dove. Mommy’s got you”. You cried and cried into her until you could no longer. Exhaustion had hit you. Your eyes heavy and head resting on her chest. She smelt the same. Like lavender and her special perfume. You lay in her cocoon arms until you drift asleep.

The sun hits your skin and you bat your eyes. “Mom!” You call out. Gasping for air. But it was only a dream. You feel your heart sink. “Oh…” that sadness and overwhelming feeling you had comes back. Today was just a sad day. You drag yourself out of bed and step into your shower. You look in the mirror at yourself as you take each item of clothing off. You step into the shower feeling the warm water trickle down your body. You couldn’t stop thinking about the dream you had.

With each motion of washing your body your mind replayed the dream. Her smell, her arms, the way you felt so safe and finally could be vulnerable. But what did she mean? About loki? You shake the thought. You didn’t want to think about him just now. You hadn’t felt so happy and safe in so long. “If only I could sleep forever so I could be with you mom” you say to yourself. You hadn’t been this depressed in a while, and today you just didn’t care.

Your mother was gone. You were alone. You had no friends and The Odinson’s weren’t truly family to you. “Ugh fuck this” you turn the shower off and change aggressively into casual clothes. You weren’t going to wear your uniform today. But you knew one thing for sure; you weren’t taking anyone’s shit today. You were angry now, so angry. Why was life so cruel to you? You didn’t deserve this. And now you have to deal with this monster of a being. Me fucking know it all, better then everyone. Pfft! Who did he think he was? And how dare he threaten you? And intimidate you? The nerve! Had had not near experienced the pain you had been through. So why the hell were you going to sit around and be scared of him?

You acquire your cleaning supplies and began. You started off making sure the halls were clean, polished, and dusted. You took your time today. Why rush? It’s not like your day could get worse. Or were you secretly avoiding seeing loki today? Another thought you pushed aside. It had been a few hours and every part of the palace was perfect. You could see yourself in the floors reflection. You had made Frigga and Odins bed, Thors bed even though he rarely is around. He apparently does quests with a team called the avengers or something sometimes. You don’t pay much attention. Thor was lovely, but something about him never sat right. Yous used to be quite close when you were young, but as he got older and had more purposes and missions to fulfil he was almost too good? Self righteous almost?

Loki had this love/hate relationship with Thor. And you loved getting close with Thor when he visited. It pissed loki off, and he also kept you safe…another thing you never will share to anyone. But god did he bother you. You wanted them to know what it is like to be human just for one day. You close Thors door and slowly make your way to your last room. You dreaded this, you took your time even more. Step by step you ease to his doorstep. “Here goes. Nothing I Guess”. You were defeated, tired, sad, angry, passionate, furious. And holding that in was giving you enough confidence and strength to get through this next half hour. You Bang Open his door- it was locked, unlike the rest. “Loki open the fucking door”. Within seconds it swings open. And behold Loki stands in front of you. A calm expression on his face.

“Can you move. I have work to do like today”. He looked taken aback. “Well my my, aren’t we a grumpy little bird to”-

You raise your hand to shush him “not today loki” you state. Your tone cold and dominant. “I’m cleaning and I’m gone. You won’t even know I was here alright? Save your fighting for literally anyone else” you roll your eyes.

Loki doesn’t speak he just watches you in disbelief. You had never spoken to him like that. A big bubble of energy filled you. Look at you to! You stood up to him and Gods did it feel good. But you also held your breath in fear this would backfire. You needed to do this fast before loki changes his mind from being this calm person to starting another fight. Most of his room was clean from yesterday, almost like it was untouched. His bed and desk were the only things needing attending. “ Gods Y/N, you look like you haven’t slept.” There was a pause. You turn and look at Loki. Was he concerned? Why was he asking? “It’s absolutely disgusting and I don’t want to see my maid looking this way. Oh and your clothes. Why are you not in your uniform?” He scoffs. “Gods your pathetic.” You suck in a tight breath. There it was. Why did you even tempt the thought of him caring? You finishing tucking his sheets in and making his bed look perfect. “Firstly it’s absolutely none of your fucking business. Secondly there’s so much I want to respond to that, but your not worth the air loki. Your room is done, my duties are done for the day. I am leaving”.

You begin to storm out but suddenly hear the sound of a cup falling and smashing. Gritting your teeth your turn around on your heel. “Oops. Guess you missed a spot.” He smirks and watches you as You sigh. Of course he did that. You get down on your knees and pull out paper towel and some spray. “Oh and one more thing” loki says. You see his shoes first, he was right in front of you. You tilt your head up slowly but suddenly feel his hand fist your hair, forcefully pulling your head up. Loki leans in close to you his warm breath touching your face. “Remember who the fuck your talking to before you come in here with that attitude” And he did something you were not ready for. He spits across your face in disgust you try pulling away but your small head is in his large grip. “Your fucking pathetic. You are just a maid and nothing more. Now clean it up” he throws you to the floor your head almost hitting the ground.

You listen to his footsteps walk away and when you hear he’s gone you burst into tears. Today definitely got worse. Your chest ached & your eyes welled with tears. Who did you think you were? Talking to a literal god like that? You hated yourself more. You rapidly clean the mess and race back to your bedroom. You spent the rest of the evening crying. You were so hurt, in such a pain you couldn’t comprehend. You needed your mother. How could you let someone like loki treat you this way? Why did it matter if he was a god or a nobody? Why did he hate you so much?

You cried so hard you passed out asleep and when you finally woke it was still dark. What time was it? You didn’t move, you didn’t eat. You just ached. The room was silent for some time but soon you heard a little creek of your door. Startled you freeze up. “Y/N? …it’s uh..it’s Loki”.

#loki layfeson #mcu loki #loki fanfic #loki x y/n #loki smut #smut #angst #angry loki #the maid and the god #chapter three

[lanymme]

Having just reached Meltryllis’s first appearance it’s very apparent why she’s the leading lady in the SERAPH collab and so on, and why she’s a fan favorite over Passionlip.

As much as I personally like Lip, Melt is undeniably standout, and Saori Hayama’s voice performance of cool intelligent superiority and breathless sadism is really compelling.

She’s not just a favored child—yes, she gets to be the one to break genre expectations and shatter the episodic format, which of course is going to give her a huge boost, but the intricacy of how her parts work together is apparent from just her first scene.

To see what I mean, let’s compare the two sisters.

Lip is very pitiful, and she’s convincingly miserable and mentally unstable. She’s a really compelling character and I really love her arc. But I think she doesn’t really take advantage of the fact that she’s designed after a BDSM concept—Masochistic Constitution feels like it mostly serves as “this is one of the several reasons she’s so miserable and sad.”

Based on some lines from her Punish scene and her SG entries, it seems like there’s supposed to be a sort of temptress angle to her powers—that once you get a taste of hurting her, you lose yourself in her like a fly in a trap, even knowing she’s not well, even knowing she’ll hurt you, until she closes around and devours you.But we just don’t see that in practice.

If she inspires anything it’s pity. Like, yes, we see in her SG2 scene that Robin Hood gets caught up in trying to punish her, but it’s more of a technical process, limited to the scenes where someone is bullying her. She doesn’t represent what’s so enticing about a masochist or a submissive person, she’s not even really portrayed as a closeted or unconscious masochist. Every indication points to her hating that kind of treatment, but being too meek to resist.

As a result, the different elements of her character don’t tie together. The eternal victim who shares the blame for her own loneliness and kills people because she doesn’t want to be alone, but doesn’t want the vulnerability of being known—she doesn’t have that element to tie everything together.

In fact, the line about her being a temptress from her Punish scene falls so flat as to come across as distasteful projection, which seems to imply we’re supposed to know she likes it by the fact she doesn’t fight back. It kind of makes me think Nasu doesn’t understand how to portray the appeal of a submissive, how to represent her as subject and object of desire.

Melt, however, is a different beast.

She’s bold. She’s direct. She’s domineering. She’s scary, she’s a merciless killer, but she’s also a really hot sadist.

It’s hard to fully get across without Hayamin’s breathless perfromance. She just sounds like a dom enjoying the high of Dominance. There’s an intoxicating joy in her violence, a sense that it’s not a warrior’s attack but something that she enacts for her own sake. She’s scary, but she makes that fear feel sexy; that life or death moment where you know she will kill you if you slip up feels almost like a scene between the two of you. It’s hot, and you can feel that almost dulling your extremely necessary fight or flight reflexes.

You can feel the influence of Sadistic Constitution just by being present with her. She goes from cold, beautiful, and fearsome to sounding like she’s going to lose herself in the joy of sadism as the encounter continues.

You can tell she’s unsafe. You can tell she doesn’t have limits and will really hurt you. She’s very obviously messy. But also, she’s so magnificent that you worry if your attention slips, you just might take her offer anyway.

Melt is the femme fatale that Lip fails to be, and that lets her tie her character together.

It makes me sad to think about what Passionlip might have been, but it also makes me really pumped for Melt’s chapters.

#fate extra ccc #meltryllis #passionlip #fate series #analysis

[veryace-ficrecs]

Stranger Things 5+1 Fic Recs

This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :) 

it's alright if you love me by alivingfire - Rated T

 “Oh, haven’t you heard? Steve Harrington doesn’t cry.”

In which Steve Harrington breaks up, breaks a few hearts (including his own), breaks free, and finally gets to break down.

or: 5 times Steve didn't cry, and 1 time he did.

They Built You A Temple And Locked You Away by fangirlandtheories - Rated T

Parentified children are not given the time, care, love, emotional support, grounding, or security needed to develop and thrive. Without a role model, they are deprived of the opportunity to learn through observation and guardianship. For the most part, they are expected to keep it together and never show signs of distress. If they were to be needy or vulnerable, they are either ignored or sometimes punished. Eventually, they internalize the message that having needs and desires is not acceptable. They become ashamed of their vulnerabilities, and eventually, emotional numbness and self-denial become their second nature

Visions Of the Things to Be by findafight - Rated G

***

Or: 5 times Steve was the adult + 1 time everyone remembered that he's barely one.

The one thing Eddie loved that was, for all intents and purposes, mainstream (eugh) was M*A*S*H. Of course it was. Hawkeye Pierce was a…formative experience for a young Eddie, and he wasn't ashamed of that.

The chaos Hawkeye formulated and controlled in his persona was a goal Eddie truly aspired to. His swagger and confidence and easy charm whilst also being a snarky asshole was everything Eddie wanted to embody.

So. It was…frustrating when Henderson swanned into hellfire complaining about Steve goddamn Harrington having a fucking wine night (wine!! Night!!) with his mother.

i met your ghost (he followed me) by hexiewrites - Rated E

OR

Eddie loves M*A*S*H almost as much as Steve does, and fancies himself a bit of a Hawkeye Pierce character, only to find out he is...incorrect. About a lot of things.

OR OR

5 times Eddie was annoyed at Steve Harrington's apparent equal love of the war doctor show, and a few times he wasn't really annoyed at all.

Steve Harrington was losing his mind.

At least, he's pretty sure that’s what was happening, considering he kept seeing the ghost of a boy he let die, and it was starting to drive him actually crazy, in the Pennhurst kind of way.

Except.

Except he’d also always been a little bit gullible, always willing to jump into danger, to look at a situation that probably would be crazy and instead of turning and running, to drive right in. So instead of dealing with the ghost the way one probably should (which is to ignore it and maybe buy some holy water) Steve does the opposite.

And Eddie Munson, who is pretty sure he is not a ghost, is, as always, really fucking glad he does.

 it isn't all about what you see by All_Hail_Queen_Freddie - Rated T

OR:

Five times Steve sees Eddie's ghost, and one time he sees something different.

It's just… He doesn’t understand why it’s such a big deal. It can’t be that rare to like both, right? If Bowie can be bi, then wouldn't that mean other people can be, too? After all, why limit yourself when everyone's hot?

or

5 times Steve accidentally came out to someone, and 1 time someone accidentally came out to him, except I let it get away from me.

All That You Ever Wanted From Me Was Sweet Nothing by t1red_gay - Rated M

“'I’m in love with you,' Eddie says, so casual, like it isn’t 3PM on a Tuesday in the middle of a Family Video in Bumfuck, Indiana. Like they’re somewhere else, like he’s someone else. Like it’s nothing extraordinary."

Or:

Five times Eddie tells Steve he loves him, and one time Steve lets himself say it back.

it feels so scary, getting old by generic_cruiser - Rated T

Five times Robin sees Steve being a mom to the party, and one time she fills in for him 

hot patootie bless my soul by thatsadorable - Rated G

5 times everyone thought steve was just really supportive +1 time they realize he is just a pining and idiotic bisexual

it’s my party (and i’ll cry if i want to) by unkreativstermensch - Rated T

Steve got into his car and drove away, shaking hands and shaking heart, his eyes welling up with every foot of distance between him and the girl that had been supposed to make this day better. More bearable.

And instead he was fighting his tears back because he wouldn't cry, he wouldn't, okay? It was not even an hour into his fucking birthday and that would be a new fucking record.

or: 5 times Steve Harrington cried on his birthday and one time he cried happy tears

Five Truths and One Lie by crow_of_crimes (Theyna_Shipper) - Rated T

Five times Steve and Robin told the truth, and one time they didn't.

Or, "just friends" is a pretty damn stupid thing to call a friendship.

Keep It Secret, Or It Won't Come True by NoBinoDino - Rated T

“What are the plans for today?”

Her brow raised further and her easy smile dropped. “Why would we have any plans today?”

Steve’s heart sank into his stomach. He felt like throwing up. All these years, speculations, and cards from his father’s secretary, that was it. That was the official confirmation, that his parents really never cared to remember him. To remember the day he was born, celebrate the fact that he was here, that he was alive and standing in front of them, their son.

But when he’d pressed further, “It’s April 24th, Mom,” all he’d gotten was a scoff from his father.

“Oh, right. Your birthday.”

Or: 5 times Steve Harrington felt alone on his birthday, and 1 time he didn't.

Second Boys Will Be First Choice by RainbowNixie - Rated G

After his break up with Nancy and defeating Vecna, Steve is scared of falling for someone again. He hates being everyone's second choice. However, as he falls for someone new, he realizes how important he is to his friends.

Or: Five times Steve Harrington realizes he's the first choice to someone at the same time he falls in love with Eddie Munson. Very Steve-centric.

find me somebody to love by genesisofrhythm - Rated T

Steve arrives at Max’s trailer in record time, breaking nearly every driving rule in the book on the journey. The lights are on despite it being past midnight, and Steve can hear some loud crashing sounds even from where he’s standing outside.

never have friends like these again by genesisofrhythm - Rated T

 “Fuck it,” Steve says, deciding he better go in. He runs into the trailer at once, bat in hand, thanking whoever left the door unlocked.

He’s taken aback at the scene. Max is kneeling on the ground, pleading with her mother to calm down. There’s shattered glass everywhere on the floor, broken beer bottles lined up against the walls. Max is barefoot, only wearing thin pyjamas, and is slightly shaking. The whole room stinks of alcohol.

Or: 5 times Steve cared for someone + 1 time someone took care of him.

 Even though Robin insisted that they were platonic with a capital P, Nancy didn’t buy it. Robin and Steve clearly cared about each other, had countless inside jokes and practically spent all their time together. If they weren’t dating then they definitely would be soon. She figured that Robin was downplaying things to not make things uncomfortable with her considering her history with Steve.

 Which was nice of Robin to do but it left a bad taste in her mouth that they weren’t upfront about their relationship. She didn’t want them to have to hide for her sake.

Or: 5 times someone thinks Steve and Robin are dating + 1 time someone knows the truth.

I’m tired of asking to settle the debt by sidekick_hero - Rated E

5 times Eddie warms Steve's hands and that one time Steve returns the favor.

Or: What if Steve and Eddie had met before the events of season 4? What if they kept bumping into each other because it was meant to be?

#stranger things fanfiction #steve harrington #eddie munson #robin buckley #steve harrington angst #steve harrington and robin buckley #steddie fanfic #steddie #platonic stobin #veryace recs #fanfic recs

[sayhelloanimalfriends]

i saw my dude @sodom-hussein (hi i like your blog so much it is good and so fun and keeps me scrolling) RB this post that was like “I compared today to 1930s germany and the results aren’t good”

and then OP proceeds to just make a bunch of very vague and unmeasurable statements like

‘we are about to die horribly in concentration camps because

antisemitism is increasing

LGBT discrimination is increasing

ableism is increasing

indigenous people are continually threatened etc etc’

The post doesn’t have any facts or information to back any of these claims as true, but it doesn’t need it. because it’s using the same kind of rhetoric that Fox News uses with its users. Fox News doesn’t have to prove something is true if it *feels* true.

and firstly if you go find the post and compare it to my wording of that first statement, you’ll see that i’m sensationalizing a little bit

and secondly, i have love for OP and i have love Sodom-hussein both because i am confident they only want to inform with the goal of changing our world for the better.

BUT I believe that these kinds of posts are not helpful, and while my wording was sensationalizing it wasn’t doing so all that much because of what the post is implying. The post’s intent it seems is to strike fear and terror into the hearts of those most vulnerable in society.

So if you are still reading I would like to use a bit of bad news to maybe ease the fears that many of us are having about the state of our world. Let me explain:

There exists a theory of social organization called Social Dominance Theory which was constructed by Jim Sidanius (oh my god i just found out he died in 2021 ☹️ what a legend) and Felicia Pratto. These two psychologists took behavioral sciences and combined them with historical record of societal hegemony to explain why and how humans seem to organize our societies unfairly.

I won’t go into the minutiae of the theory, but my main point of bringing it into this conversation is that according to their writings, when humans define categories on which to base discrimination (such as race, sexual orientation, cultural/religious identity, etc) these categories remain as subjugated for VERY VERY long periods of time.

This part is the bad news but stay with me.

What i mean to say is that as a gay man, I will probably always be discriminated against in our society. That is just the way these things seem to play out. Now, within my particular place in society things may improve or worsen. But there isn’t really any realistic hope of full liberation. And apparently, also according to social dominance theory, even if gay people WERE to be liberated, a new arbitrary category of discrimination would just take its place.

So how can we use this information to cope with our world?

Well the reality is that you may need time to grieve this truth. But once you are done grieving, you can look at our world and realize that nothing is changing. Everything is staying the exact same.

Just yesterday youtuber Matt Baume released a video about Ellen coming out on TV and it was literally all the same shit as what we’re hearing now. Conservatives feigning disgust and fear for what it means to acknowledge the existence of lesbians. Censorship. Blah blah blah. That was 25 years ago but it could easily be today.

So when you are able to accept that society has fixed you at a disadvantage that is permanent, you are more immune to the kind of brain-numbing effects of fear and terror.

And that’s what I really want you all to do.

I want you to Think Critically. I want you to Think Clearly. And when you’re scared shitless you can’t think at your max capacity.

Because yeah I mean shit is scary. But panicking isn’t going to help anyone. It’s just going to ruin your mood and make it harder for us to organize.

We’ve been dealt a shit hand. But we’ve got each other. We’re not alone. And we’re smart! We can figure out how to protect each other and ourselves. We are resilient. There’s no reason to be terrified. There is every reason to be brave. Bravery, courage, determination. These will help us more than fear in the days to come.

Anyway check out social dominance theory it’s really cool. RIP Jim Sidanius. Your work changed my life man.

[candywife333]

Unexpected: A Tale of Grief (Part 2)

Disclaimer: This story has yandere behavior, toxicity in loads, body shaming, ,voyeurism, cursing/profanity, and questionable behavior. Also, the characters do not actually represent the personalities and behavior of BTS in real life. There might be non-con further on in the story. I will make sure to post a warning before if there is any non-con at all. 

This is the link for part 1 of the story. 

https://www.tumblr.com/mred435/691758530362032128/unexpected-a-tale-of-grief?source=share

After I dragged and deposited Clara on her bed, I quickly ran to my room in fear. Since interfering between Clara and Jungkook, I felt this chill of fear and foreboding. I feel like I had committed a terrible faux pas. Clearly, he was trying to drug her and as a good friend and human being I had prevented her from being in such a vulnerable state around him. I had heard stories around campus about the seven boys. They were all bad news in their own ways. However, Jungkook seemed to be one of the worst. He was known to get easily offended, and could be aggressive, cruel, and downright destructive to anyone’s reputation. 

What made me even more afraid, was the rumor that if he got fixated on one thing or person in particular, he had to have it. I had laughed it off initially, thinking how similarly this behavior sounded to a toddler in their terrible twos. Yet with time it seemed very apparent that if you got in his way, he wouldn’t stop even short of killing and torturing. One such incident was when a professor had offended him by deducting marks from a homework assignment in finance. Apparently according to Jungkook, he had not made a mistake on that particular question; it was just the professor’s neglect to grade the assignment properly. 

Hence, the professor got punished in a very cruel way. A video of the professor harassing a female student leaked out a week after Jungkook had been given his marks. The professor was immediately fired and to top it off, his car had been trashed with a death threat written on the window shield. After the professor was fired, it came to be known that the leaked video was fake. But, the professor was never heard of again on campus. 

It was like he had been wiped off the face of the earth. He had disappeared according to the police, not to be found. This was not the last of his and this friends’ horrendous acts on campus that he was never held accountable for. Few days after they had arrived, he invited the most beautiful girls on campus to a party (some of them even had modeling contracts). They had created a ranking of beautiful girls, and to my surprise that even included my friend Miri. 

The top 10 most beautiful girls were invited and according to Miri, they engaged in very questionable acts; some bordering on sadistic and depraved . Apparently orgies were the norm. That shocked me. The level of privilege to get away with literally anything was fascinating and scary. 

The next day I woke up convincing myself I imagined his glare. I put my hair up into a messy bun after conditioning and blow drying it. Throwing on a baby pink chiffon high low dress and white wedge sandals, I grabbed my leather backpack and ran to the first class of the day. Art, my one and only love kickstarted my day. After class I had my pink Adidas tracksuit ready in my bag so I could make a trip to the gym. Usually around 10:00 am most people didn't come to gym as classes would be going on. Perfect time for me to get in some running. 

As I made my way to class, I had the misfortune of bumping into Jungkook and his friends, Taehyung and Jimin. They were all wearing sunglasses and variations of polos and crew neck t-shirts with slacks and fancy leather shoes. But what really scared me, was the condescending smirk on Jungkook’s face. 

He circled around me leisurely like a shark around a bleeding fish. “So, why did you take Clara from me last night bitch? Don’t you have any common sense? I guess nobody told you that messing with me is a death sentence. A fat bitch like you should have known better. You're friend is cute, and I want her. If you get in the way, you’ll be sorry. ” 

His friends cackled behind him as they stared at me. As quickly as they laughed, they all stopped immediately in a frightening synchrony. Jungkook came towards me abruptly before I could move out of the way and pushed me to the ground. I landed on gravel hurting my hands as I fell on them. I knew this would end up in really bad bruising and cuts. 

He sneered at me as though I was mud that had dirtied his pristine shoe. “Get a life bitch. Stop interfering with me. If I ever see you around again messing with me getting a lay, I will end you.” Before he could threaten me further, I scrambled up and stumbled away towards the class building

I wish that had been the last time I saw him. It would have been better for me if he continued to hate me. But unfortunately that wouldn’t be the case.

Jungkook’s POV

The fat bitch had got in my way and blocked me from a good lay. I had been working my way to fuck Clara for a week solid. Too much time wasted. That bitch was an investment that the fat fuck had ruined. I was going to mess up her life. If she thought her poor life was pitiful, I would make it fucking tragic.

My plan was to take a secret video of the bitch when she was showering or changing clothes and post it onto our college instagram page. Instant humiliation for life and she would learn not to interfere in what I did. 

Bitch probably looked horrible under clothes. She already looked too chubby in them. 

He remembered how you dressed this morning in that baby pink sheath dress that came till your ankles. It seemed to be such a loose fit, he couldn’t make out what the bitch actually looked like under that dress. But from what he could remember, you resembled a bedazzled pink trash bag.

I walked down the hall to her room. I had intimidated the girls’ dorm supervisor into giving me the set of master keys they used only for maintenance. She knew who I was and who my father was. So, she didn’t say a fucking word. The fat girl’s room was number 316. I walked into the room after easily unlocking it. Lucky enough for me the bitch was actually showering. 

If she hadn't been showering or changing clothes, I would have forced her to do it in front of me so I could take the video. Not like she could say no.

She had all the luck in the world. This would be relatively painless as she would be unaware. 

Her bathroom door was open a crack as she showered. All the dorms had translucent glass showers which worked perfectly in my favor. As I took out my phone to take a video of her, I was ready to be disgusted. I exclusively fucked skinny, slim thick, and fit girls. Not the likes of this big bird. 

She had opened the shower door and was showering. Possibly to let out the steam that had accumulated due to the hot water. As I was getting ready to grimace and sneer at her ugly body in repulsion, I looked into my camera and to my dismay felt something else all together.

The girl had long black hair that trailed down in a wet spray across her back. She looked so ethereal as water droplets trailed down her back and waist ( which was surprisingly small for her body), that held a small amount of pudge around her bellybutton and lower stomach. 

Her skin was the shade of a fading sunset. She glowed as his eyes beheld her perfectly round, dimpled butt cheeks that lead to equally thick thighs. Her hips were so wide, encased by white stretch marks that wound around her hips like vines. 

As she turned completely to the front to collect a loofa, her lush soft breasts jiggled ever so slightly, with water droplets clinging onto to her chocolate colored nipples. As my eyes traveled down of their own volition, so much so that I forgot about the video for a few seconds. Her little belly button was cradled with fluff and it all led down in a V line to her pussy. 

I didn't know one could be obsessed with a pussy just be viewing it partially.  She had pubic hair covering her for the most part. Black curls obstructed my view of her lips. Yet when she moved slightly, I saw the peek of dark lips exposing themselves through the curls. Her curls traveled to her inner thighs were they stopped. 

The steam from the shower made her dark hair plaster against her back and one of her nipples. Her chest was flushed a vivid pink from the assault of warm water. Her pouty lips that I had not noticed till now were mumbling the words to some song I had yet to discover. She had big eyes framed with extravagant lashes and dark black eyes that gleamed with comfort and ease. 

I couldn't believe how attracted I was to her. She was a goddess. How could I not have noticed her. I could see the bruising and scratches on her knees bleeding into purples and reds from where I had shoved her onto the ground. 

#chubby reader #bts #curvy reader #angst #yandere #toxic #voyeuristic #self love #self hate #jungkook #bully #eventual smut #cursing #creep #bts x curvy reader #fanfic #bangtan #bts x y/n #insecurity #bts x chubby reader #chubby smut #curvy reader bts #possessive bts reader

[cannedbabs]

Hi hi hi! So I'm kinda in love with your Jack x reader fic, I'm especially impressed with how in-character you keep him. I know you find soft!Jack to be a little difficult to write for, but your headcanons on that are just 👌*chefs kiss*, tbh. More on that, I've been playing around with the idea of a childhood friend s/o. Just somebody who's completely used to him being how he is and doesn't shy away from it. Do you think he would feel more comfortable to be soft around them or what? Or just any thoughts you have on the dynamic tbh! Thanks!

So sorry for not posting in.. so long!! Been in a slump!! BUT!! I wanted to give my take on this!! (Not necessarily headcanon formatted but!!)

Tbh yeah, he would be a little soft on them? But you also have to take into consideration his metaphorical growth as a person. I am big and heavy on the idea that Jack believes “Little Jack” is dead, as he says, and basically all from that horrible part of his childhood is gone. The traveling wagon shows, his family owned brand is now HIS brand, etc. he may associate you/the friend with bad memories due to it (or may have bad association if the friend is magical in some aspect). A general jealousy thing!

But it would he a case of “well I sort of knew you so now your basically a mutual. Due to what we were through we are strangers with memories, and i don’t Automatically hate you” but it would just be general respect. If any of his childhood is brought up he tries to shut that train of thought down real quick unless its to gloat. If your mentioning any of the parts he deemed to have cut out he is quick to remind you that he isnt like that anymore. Even talk about his personal life is dismissed (but he exaggerates it to fuck with you. He’s a gloating bastard, but hes not an idiot. all this “Useless crap like that” lines is basically fishing for a reaction, he LIKES taunting and being an arrogant asshole, it makes him feel powerful)

Though the biggest thing with Jack, and it is apparent by the s/o being completely used to this, is to not give him that power. No reaction? Not giving what he wants? Hes quick to deflate. In the movie Puss is talking him up like he’s the scariest monster in the movie (“this is why you dont cross Jack Horner!” “Robbing from big Jack Horner? Tsk tsk, very risky.”) but thats what makes him ‘scary’ is this persona he is built. He isnt magic. He is just a guy who owns a PIE FACTORY. Deflating makes him prone to being a little more vulnerable and open by proxy, and its not something he does on purpose by any means. Though it’s a case of you need to sort of make him falter before you can see genuine feeling come from him, and with most shipping situations that wall is hard to break but due to the closeness the s/o and Jack shared… it would break easier.

It would definitely lead to more personal talks, especially if the s/o experienced it first hand way back when. Jack doesnt need to inflate his backstory, they already know it, and especially if he tried but they corrected him? He wouldnt really try lying about it again unless it was minute details. Maybe in this he would let them be more touchy, too. The opportunity to play with Jack’s hair? Sign me up 😳

Sorry this was formatted so weird I just sorta rambled!! And like stated sorry I completely disappeared im going through some busy life stuff atm and kinda not on a lot of social media <3 but I’ll be back, and hopefully with an updated chapter!!!

#big jack horner #jack horner #big jack horner x reader #jack horner x reader #puss in boots #puss in boots the last wish #pib the last wish #puss in boots: the last wish #big jack horner x oc #jack horner x oc

[aslanlovestheradio]

i just got the news that none of my friends really care what i say about my hyperfocus (alastor) so i'm going to say it here, even if it's the same as talking to myself!

first thing i love about alastor and that made me love him again, his design. i love his silly hair, his little ears that are the most adorable thing about his appearance, the fact that he probably wears eye shadow AND DOESN'T WANT TO ADMIT IT!!! his sharp, yellowish grin is so scary and so cute at the same time. i absolutely LOVE the fact that he canonically has hooves and his arms are apparently hairy (as you can see from the old official summer merch). the parts i like the most, as you can already tell, are the deer-like features he has! It's interesting not only because it's extremely adorable, but it also indicates something about his history when he was alive, maybe something related to his death or his practices as a human - and yes, i know it's probably more related to his death, that a hunter probably mistook him for a deer and killed him, but it's not possible that's all it is, being so prominent for that reason alone doesn't make much sense - and other things. i also love the detail of his monocles - which further highlights his old-fashioned style - along with his formal clothes, which let's face it, despite being a frequent part of vivzie's designs, are still very stylish and suit alastor well - even if they have better options - and in general his design appeals to me and has done since before the pilot.

the second thing i just love about him is obviously his personality. the first thing i want to point out is that i really like the whole "smile! you're never fully dressed without one", it's something that's been a part of his personality since the very beginning of his creation, even more so considering that he was literally created almost completely inspired by the song "you're never fully dressed withou a smile", and it's something that's really ingrained in him and that has remained meaningful from the beginning to the final outcome of his character, Even though there have been several changes, his motivations for smiling have also changed, but at the end of the day he's still always smiling, and the reason will never cease to have at least a little mystery surrounding it, besides his smile being quite captivating, let's face it. now moving on to his personality in general, I'm only going to talk about the final version of him and not the pilot or old versions considering that it's obviously the final version, even though I prefer the pilot's personality; alastor always has this thing of always making it very clear the power he has over simple sinner demons and even many of the sovereigns of hell, he's clearly not afraid to demonstrate this strength even to those who are clearly stronger than him, as is seen with lucifer and adam, as well as demonstrating that he's really sadistic. the only thing that we can really see that scares the alastor and leaves him vulnerable in some way, without considering physical injuries - which often don't seem to bother him that much - is to mention that he is on a leash and that he doesn't have full power of his own. , as we see in episode 5 of the series, in addition to when they do not show concern or importance to him. Another thing that I find extremely comical and also unique about him is the fact that he gets along very well with women, without the slightest ulterior motive! like Mimzy, who he kept friends with from when he was alive until the current moments of the series, even though it's clear that they have their conflicts, he never really showed that he really mistreated her, besides we also have Alastor's relationship with Rosie and nifty, starting with his relationship with Rosie, where he clearly shows happiness and genuine affection for Rosie, when we realize that his eyes even dilate when he's with Rosie - which I think is a really cute detail - and he doesn't She's afraid to count on her in the worst moments, even though Alastor is so mysterious even to her, Rosie probably knows Alastor better than a lot of people in hell, it's incredible to realize that Alastor really smiles without any falsehood when he's with her! and now with nifty, even though he probably owns her soul, he never really showed anything negative towards her, in all the contacts in which we see them together it's clear that they have a really cute friendship, even if it's just based in weirdness on the part of both of them, it's really adorable how they both don't really judge each other and how alastor treats nifty even though he has power over her.

now, to finish - even though there is absolutely so much more i would love to talk about him - i'm going to talk about how incredibly mysterious he has been since forever! he is - for me - the most interesting character in the entire hazbin hotel since the beginning of its creation, it is so difficult to understand his intentions even with so many hints and revelations that he himself says, there is still so much open about him that gives to theorize, such as his true intention in helping charlie with her redemption project, who the hell owns alastor's soul, why he disappeared for seven years, why he was considered such a dangerous demon at the beginning of his afterlife and currently in the series being as vulnerable as we can see, does he really care about the people at the hotel and the project itself? Does he want to achieve something more? What was his life like when he was alive, or what are his true powers? it's so hard to guess everything he hides behind that smile of his, there are so many fragments of answers that will take time to be revealed, both in comics, in the pilot, in livestreams and even in the current series itself, and even putting everything together It's hard to understand what he hides. i want to know more about him so bad!

and an extra, some curious facts that i spent some time gathering about him, looking through several old streams and other things! you can find most of these on his wiki, even though i looked for them myself - and also many of them are probably outdated and no longer canonical, but I still like to talk about them -

between am and fm radio, alastor would prefer am radio, as it has relatively lower quality and is more reminiscent of old radios.

alastor knows how to flirt really well when he wants to, but he avoids it at all costs and so he usually comes off as bad at it.

minnie the moocher by cab calloway would be one of alastor's favorite songs if he was alive when it came out.

if alastor and willy wonka met, they would absolutely get along.

alastor would canonically be a horrible father, even going so far as to hit the child if necessary and, if the child got hurt, he would not be responsible for it. but it is confirmed that he would be a great mentor.

alastor would love to casually join jazz bands that are playing.

alastors creation was not inspired by dr facilier, as he was created before the princess and the frog was released, but more current versions of him are inspired by dr facilier.

yay that's it! expect more of me talking about alastor, i love him more than i love myself /srs

#alastorsz.txt #i love alastor so much i'm going to cry #alastor #he makes me so happy fr #hazbin hotel

[justanagenderperson]

Ok ok ok so the cringe be real in my head but this has been playing over and over in my daydreams so hear me out- (also sorry I haven't posted in a bit, school's been kicking my ass 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭) Also this is really self indulgent- anyway I'm a sucker for platonic yanderes.

Implied FTM Reader but you can imagine the reader's gender as whatever you'd like, Also I believe in older sibling demi boy supremacy 😎😎😎😎

TW:YANDERES, KIDNAPPING, Reader is like 17 so all platonic between the characters and Reader, S I B L I N G S 😱 (scary warning⁉️), Agent 47xyour OLDER siblingxDiana Burnwood (She seriously needs more love), death (this is Hitman)

Okaaaaayy so imagine you like to info dump about your favorite game which is *drum roooollll* HITMAN!!!! :D

Of course, your older sibling (who is secretly a yandere for you and totally has nothing to do with the disappearance of your school bullies who picked on you relentlessly after they found you were trans) vehemently listens because why wouldn't he? They cut up apples for you so you won't starve due to forgetting to feed yourself due to focusing on one of your latest hyper fixations,

Helps you with your homework, and he even lets you vent to them whenever you're stressed or overwhelmed due to school (How they wish they could take all of your problems away, lock you away from the world where all you'd have to worry about is breathing, and he nearly does but then something happens.)

You and your dear sibling get sucked into a mysterious portal that appeared out of nowhere. Now due to plot reasons, the two of you are separated because it's never that simple, and have no way back home.

However also due to plot reasons your older sibling is integrated into the CIA as a handler and gets Agent 47 and Agent Sparrow (Diana Burnwood, also we stan the Agent Burnwood AU) and over the months they build a special kind of bond even though they've never met and have no knowledge of each other's names.

However one faithful winter night it happens.

Diana and 47 not wanting to take any chances begin to stalk their handler to see if he truly is trustworthy or not and in that they begin to fall for them. Everything about them is magnificent. Their corse lips, their kind personality, their height. Absolutely everything was perfect about him.

And then they realize something. It's dangerous for him to be out by himself. They're vulnerable they could be kidnapped or worse! So the two agents take the modt logical course of action and kidnap their handler out of pure paranoia.

Of course, your older sibling is very resistant the first few...weeks (yeah he doesn't last long :::::::::::/) and won't even eat the food they've given them. Of course, the agents resort to force-feeding and apparently feeding tubes are great for that but are kinda uncomfortable.

Either way, once he realizes that the two captors aren't going to hurt them he starts taking advantage of the situation (47 and Diana know but don't say anything) as in gaining more freedom and privileges by giving out affection like there's no tomorrow.

This fairs well with the agents (because they're big simps) and eventually they even let your older sibling garden. Your older sibling now getting everything he wants grows a little complacent but a big part of him is restless and there's only one solution.

You. Meanwhile, you're given a normal 9 to 5 job, and while you see 47 once every few months you make sure to adamantly avoid him whenever he does stop by for his occasional ham and cheese sandwich after a long day of gathering intel and taking down a target with said intel.

Of course he doesn't know that you know and you'd like to keep it that way. But you know these types of things nothing ever goes the reader's way.

Now there are a few ways you can meet up with your older sibling and hence 47 and Diana.

The first one being the most simplest and less complex.

The bell rings as new customers arrive. You put on your best, "I'm-totally-not-sleep-deprived" smile and greeted them, "Hi and welcome to Tony's Deli! What can I get you guys?" Then you had the misfortune of opening your eyes and see your manic older sibling standing there with an equally manic grin on his face.

You see last time you two were in the same room you'd had an argument. A big one at that on how you weren't a baby that needed protection, "Hey Y/n time for you to clock out!" Your coworker oh so helpfully yelled from the back. You let out a sigh and clock out before going outside to meet your ecstatic sibling and his mysterious friends in a very shady alleyway.

Little did you know that'd be the last anyone would ever see of you.

You hear the bell ring indicating that new customers have arrived. You give your best fake smile as one could for being underpaid and overworked. You see you were severely understaffed and the lunch rush had just come to a close. So naturally you just wanted to go home.

You sharply intake a breath, "Hi welcome to Tony's Deli! What can I ge-" You're cut off as a person cuts in front of the newly arrived customers who you never got a good chance to look at, "I ordered a HOT cup of coffee." Your smile widens, 'So today was gonna be one of those days huh?' You think as you open your mouth to speak,

"Sir, I don't mean to be rude but there were other people bef-" You're cut off yet again, "THEY DON'T MATTER!!!" The man is practically screaming now. For the next five minutes, he throws what you can only identify as an adult temper tantrum about how he obviously ordered a hot cup of coffee even though the receipt said he ordered "warm".

Yep, for some reason Tony's Deli also sold beverages. It was truly ahead of its time (Definitely not sarcasm). Of course this only added to the amount of entitled customers that would demand refunds. So a very tired manager coming over and security escorting out the man later you were now officially ready to quit right there on the spot.

But you pulled through and the next batch of customers came in, sure you'd lost the other customers who had the convenient timing of coming in when the stranger had decided to throw a hissy fit but it meant less work for you so, score. It was pretty uneventful except for one order the back had gotten wrong but no one had come to complain which made you feel bad but whatever.

In the end, you clock out with no problem and head to the grocery store. Of course, your dumbass somehow gets lost and ends up in the clothes store since it's a really big mall (a mansion even). So you do what any normal sane, tired, almost adult would do.

You curl into a ball on the bench and try not to cry. This only works partially as you spend the next few minutes on the cusp of a breakdown, "Are you okay?" A voice calls out holding at least some form of sympathy.

You wipe your eyes before raising your head slightly to meet the stranger's gaze. The person's eyes widen at your face and through the tears you think you recognize them but you can't really be sure.

"Y/n...?" Wait. How the actual hell do they know your name!? The mystery person's hand slowly comes up presumably to pet your head. You scoot away from their touch as you blink away the tears. The droplets of water roll down your face. Now you can see a bit more clearly and lo and behold it's B/n.

"B/n...?" You quietly respond trying not to pay attention to the two people beside him that look awfully familiar. The months of being apart from your family member cause you to break down instantly. You don't even remember why you were mad. You just throw your arms around him and have a good sob.

Anyway, after they buy what they came for you're brought home, sorry not your home, THEIR home and 47 along with Diana warm up very quickly to you seeing you as their child.

Anyway, that's all like I said the cringe is real inside my head bc I like self indulgent things. Might write a part 2????? I definitely got too silly 💀

#yandere #agent 47 #diana burnwood #hitman 3 #diana burnwood agent au #diana burnwood & reader #agent 47 & reader #platonic #siblings are a cw in themselves #ftm reader #cw means content warning #siblings are sometimes scary 😨

[whonsper]

even if this isnt posted on the second id like everyone to know that i wrote it on the second. time isnt real these are definitely not excuses

once again thank you @watercolorfreckles for the prompts <3

DAY 2: Staircase

obligatory everything is subject to change

I'm not a fucking hermit. I can leave my home whenever I want to. I just choose not to, on account of the fucking zombies. As much as you guys in the Federation wanna pretend nothing's wrong, and the island's perfect, I'm not so inclined to agree when the island has teeth and hands and fucking talks.

But I went outside today, for the first time since the fourth day on the island, when the sun went down for the last time. Yeah I would've loved to just stay inside but two of my walls were in a very heated argument about Among Us, and I just didn't feel like getting in the middle of that. Might as well leave.

Definitely didn't have anything to do with Roier coming over yesterday. It was really nice to see him, don't get me wrong! No, it was the way he looked when I told him I hadn't left my house in days. Just a look of pity and shock, like I was the crazy one for not going outside when there's fucking zombies everywhere.

Well I've gone outside. Just to prove that I can. Also because I was out of food. And wood. But that's not important. I was doing fine.

And it definitely was totally fine going out, I wasn't scared out of my fucking mind at all. Yeah, not a zombie in sight, made me feel like a fool for not going out sooner. In fact, the sun was out, and the birds were singing, and there was a train waiting right outside to take me away from this fucking nightmare island.

It sucked. Every step was scary, every breeze sounded like a zombie breathing over my shoulder. I had armor on but I've never felt so vulnerable. It felt like I had painted a huge target on my chest, like I was inviting the zombies right to a four course meal of my internal organs.

It wasn't as bad as I thought it'd be though. At least sticking by the wall, having something behind me so I couldn't be blindsided, that was helpful. There wasn't many animals, but I was able to pick up some wheat from a couple small spots, so that was good. A couple fruit trees, now I won't die from scurvy, thank god. I wonder if the Federation can supply vitamin D supplements... Not for any particular reason, of course.

Chopping trees isn't fun, I've found. And surprisingly, that fact doesn't change in the dark. Yeah, still not great. But I'm gonna get buff as hell if I keep this up.

It did make me feel safer to be running around with a big sharp blade, not to sound like a crazed madman. But surprisingly, I didn't see many zombies. There were one or two that wanted to fight, but I made 'em wish they were never born! Turned? Killed? However the zombies on this island came to be, I made them wish they weren't!

I've heard from a couple other people not to use torches unless you wanna be swarmed, cuz the zombies naturally come towards the light. I'll be honest, I don't think I could've done that, I just put down torches cuz without them I couldn't see two inches in front of my face.

Not that it fucking mattered, cuz I'm still a danger to myself! At all times! Somehow, I don't know if the axe just slipped in my hands or I was distracted or I'm really just stupider than I thought, but I chopped right into my fucking wrist.

And the worst part is, I didn't even manage to make it a good clean cut all the way through. No, I stopped when I was like, most of the way through. So I've got an essentially dead hand hanging by a thread, blood pouring from a huge open wound, and a decision to make. Or maybe just a question to ask myself. Do I have the guts to cut off my own hand? Purposefully? Cuz it'll just get infected if I leave it, so it's gonna have to come off somehow.

The answer was yes, apparently. I don't know if it was adrenaline or what, but I had a totally mild freak out, about as much as you'd expect from your local wall hermit, and just cut the rest. It's still out there, somewhere, I didn't really wanna take it with me. I hope some zombie got it and has a taste for me now.

Um, yeah, so now I've just got a bleeding stump of a wrist that's just gushing blood onto the grass. I kinda didn't realize how much you use both hands for things until that moment when I went to tear my shirt to use as a bandage. Cuz apparently without a hand, it's a lot harder to stabilize, so tearing the shirt took more effort than I would've liked. Thank god I've still got my teeth.

I've been rocking the blood-stained crop top for hours now, I think it's gonna be the trend on the island here soon. I mean, it is a summer getaway, we gotta beat the heat somehow!

I could say I was sad that my little outing was brought to an end, but I think that'd be called lying. It was nice to breathe the fresh air, yes, less nice to have all the hairs on the back of my neck stand on end for hours as I just wait for something to happen. I was more than happy to cut my losses, literally, and head home with everything I'd gathered, which wasn't a small amount! I cleared out a sizeable chunk today; who knows, maybe I'll make a nice pool out there, somewhere to relax, enjoy the sun and summer breeze.

As I was leaving, making my way back down the wall, way farther than I had originally thought I walked. Um, I heard someone say "run" to me. Not a great thing to hear when you're already on edge. But I turned around and there was a zombie, I guess I hadn't heard it walk up, I was so distracted chopping off my hand. But it was just sort of hobbling towards me, one of its legs looked messed up, so I wasn't too worried about it. Don't get me wrong, I kept my distance, but I didn't sprint immediately at the sight of it. I did walk a bit faster away from it though, you can never be too careful.

There was another zombie next to it, maybe 10 feet back, then I saw two more coming out of the trees and suddenly I kept seeing more and more. It was like I hadn't put on the glasses before but now I could finally see them, like they were always lurking in the trees, waiting to strike. They were still pretty slow, but it was pretty scary to find yourself surrounded by zombies when you thought you were safe.

And they're all saying "run" still. What had sounded like a monotone note of moans and grunts now was an entire chorus of voices telling me to run. And believe me, I didn't need to be told twice.

Thankfully I hadn't really walked far from my place, cuz the further I ran I had to keep sidestepping zombies that seemed to appear out of fucking nowhere. And some of them were much faster than I had anticipated. I mean there was one or two zombies that were almost sprinting behind me, scared the living shit out of me to look back and see something actually keeping pace. Still surrounded by a cacophony of voices telling me run. I swear I couldn't hear anything besides that and the pounding of blood in my ears.

I made it to my home, more or less safe, I'm sitting on the floor right now. There's zombies at my door, they're surrounding the place. If I didn't literally build my home into the side of the wall, I'd be way more worried they were gonna carve their way in somehow. I really hope that door holds up; it's been doing pretty well so far, but I really don't wanna rely on that and have to deal with it breaking when I need it most.

Um, I don't think my wrist is gonna get infected, crossing my fingers, or at least the ones I have left. I wrapped it in gauze, and it's clean, but I don't have any disinfectant until Cucurucho delivers some tonight.

Can I sue the Federation? For legal reasons, that last part was a joke, thank you Cucurucho, I love the island.

I'm still sat on my floor, trying to drown out the sounds. I really don't wanna hear them. They've gone from chanting "run" to "safe", which surprisingly doesn't actually make me feel safe at all. In fact, I feel extremely unsafe.

They're crawling over each other to get to me though, I can see them through my window. They haven't reached the window yet, it's still too high up for them, but they're trying anyway. Just climbing on top of each other, like some horrible zombified staircase. I just know that whatever's at the bottom of that stack is getting crushed, I don't think those zombies will make it out. Like a really fucked up mosh pit or something.

Really good and productive outing I had today. Really love it here. Disfruta la isla.

#qsmp fanfic #broken eggs #whonspers inktober #haha you thought a staircase was gonna be normal? THINK AGAIN #writober2023

[aarontaylorsjohnson]

“the love witch” made me horribly uncomfortable the first time i watched it. i have “lite” borderline (bipolar with borderline features) and so her stated determination/obsession to find love was just a bit--i hate to use the word here--triggering for me. but after reading analysis and myself transitioning from the anxious attachment style almost synonymous with bpd to the avoidant detached style, wow, ok, this movie is everything. she gets annoyed when men are clingy or emotional, she wants power over them, and she is fairly callous and calculating about all of it. a bit of context from my life under the cut

i did actually derisively ask someone if he was going to make me have a feelings-y talk after my last encounter (first in three years) because apparently he was bothered by a “not there” quality that was part of my affect. we were tipsy so i may have overdone it but i was highly uncomfortable with the idea that 1) i was expected to be emotionally present for the encounter and 2) any absence of warmth or genuineness was exclusionary to him even wanting to go through with it. i used to be ALL emotion, vulnerability, and aching need for acceptance, now i kind of avoid all eye contact or attempts at genuine intimacy. as elaine does, if i no longer find someone useful to my emotional landscape, i just prune them (although she does actually bury them). i actually freaked out a bit because this guy had diagnosed NPD but found me to be the detached, cold one without a lot of empathy for others. 

i talked to someone in the mental health field and they think my detachment will even out over time and not develop into something worse like sociopathy. but like elaine, traumatic intergender interactions made me kind of cold and unable to attach. it’s a new, scary era, but the last one, in my 20s--attaching quickly and intensely due to my mental illness with no emotional protective skin for loss, disappointment, or any kind of loss of my emotional footing--was just so terrible that if i can’t attach the rest of my life, i still see immense benefits to the change. i do love my friends and family and i don’t think they see any loss of warmth.

anyway yeah “the love witch” is incredible for showing a side of borderline few talk about. even looking up borderline detachment online i didn’t see many results that directly addressed what i’m feeling

#the love witch #bpd

[bybdolan]

Celebrity culture is so weird I saw a Tiktok a couple weeks ago about the adad Levine thing making a list of the next husbands that were gonna have a cheating scandal and they're reason were ridiculous like Joe Jonas just because Sophie and him can be that happy or Ryan Gosling because he wants everyone to think he's super nice and eats to keep his family private and other stupid claims like that about people with no valid arguments and all the comments were agreeing and saying they are dying to see it and it's just so sad the way they treat famous people just because they are rich or whatever, someone was claiming that Taylor saying she sometimes doesn't feel like a real person was just whining because she has the money to pay for the best psychologist, like what?

Long-ish answer under the cut because I'm also going to talk about the ask @youareworldsaway sent me.

re your post: its not even just like relationships you see it with people being papped or at award shows or interviews or red carpets. One second captured on camera and the whole world decides what your feeling. Like at Venice with Harry and Olivia sure they didnt interact as much but there are moments but since they didnt go viral everyone was just like “oh they broke up.” Like Joe apparently always looks miserable with Taylor when that could just be his resting face (i can relate my resting face i apparently look sad!) i find it odd we base an entire thought process on someone for .1 second we see them. And like yeah taylor was smiling during 1989 but she was also going through a hard time. How people show themselves as well isnt an accurate description of what they are going through. Human beings are complex! we have good and bad days. Idk i have so many thoughts on this and how swifties in general will make taylors feelings a monolith “shes depressed” or “shes the happiest shes ever been” (ask by @youareworldsaway)

You guys both expanded on the points I was making in the original post very eloquently and probably better than I could so thank you!!! I know that my empathy for celebrities is not something everybody feels and understandably so, but it just seems so HARD to be that surveilled all the time and have people pry apart your every move. The way people will dissect some celebrity videos is honestly disgusting to me because nothing seems more terrifying than a stranger using a moment of vulnerability as ammo to spread rumors about you. It's obviously not a direct treat to your life, but it is tough and scary and just seems super stressful. And it bleeds into the way regular people think about their relationships, too. A recent example is the whole Try Guys shabang where suddenly people were led to believe that it was a red flag when guys talked about their wives a lot, when there is a huge difference between your buddy Craig doing this and Ned Fulmer, who has made loving his wife part of his brand and thus his job and livelihood, saying it. Plus: We only get the tiiiniest look into these people's lives! We don't know them! They are frequently pretending!

#ask #youareworldsaway #anonymous #'they are frequently pretending' would be a great title. keeping it in mind