#because i swear it adds to the anxiety of 'what if someone calls me out on this'

[malyen0retsev]

i feel like gen z need to be sat down and explicitly told it is ABSOLUTELY OK to say the wrong thing and do the wrong thing sometimes. growing up actually means fucking up, and if you spend your whole life paranoid of being ‘problematic’ then you are legitimately going to drive yourself into an anxiety induced meltdown. watching or reading ‘problematic’ media does not make you a bad person, and tbfh sometimes watching or reading said media (provided you keep your analytical brain switched on) is a good thing to do. because just as we learn by seeing what’s right to do, we also learn by seeing what’s not right to do. 

and without wishing to sound horrendously horrendously ‘i am in my mid twenties’, you don’t need to let the entire world know what you’re watching and reading. you actually don’t need to let the entire world know a damn thing about you, and i feel like a lot of the anxiety i see from gen-z online is this terror of being called problematic precisely because the boundaries for oversharing are next to non-existent. growing and changing and learning are a fundamental part of being a teenager, and you will say and do ‘problematic’ shit which will make you cringe in your twenties, and that’s absolutely ok because you will have learned from it. 

#and on a serious note too for the love of god stop digging up peoples tweets from a decade ago. that adds to this toxic cycle #i was an absolute moron in my teens idk how many times i have to say it #i grew up in a conservative area and went to christian camps do i need to Spell Out the sort of nonsense i believed as a teen #and would u look at me now. age 26 and queer and very open about the nonsense i used to say #and nobody judges me even slightly for it. because the consensus is just 'you were a teenager. you learned. you don't believe that anymore' #HOW SHOCKING THAT THE WORLD KEEPS TURNING #anyway that's admittedly my somewhat extreme experience lmao #but seeing younger teens rip themselves apart online for OH MY GOD I CAN'T BELIEVE I WATCHED THIS PROBLEMATIC TV SHOW #like my dudes when we were teens we used to look up clips from Saw on youtube FOR FUN #it's ok to make mistakes it's ok to be an idiot #what you've gotta be aware of is to stop documenting every single thing you have ever done online #because i swear it adds to the anxiety of 'what if someone calls me out on this' #just live and let live and don't actively be a prat and you'll be all good #ANYWAY #saw several posts about this this morning hence The Rant #sarah rambles #gen z #i guess??? #important

[michelleleewise]

okay so im not sure how man requests are allowed lmao but i spend to much time thinking of scenarios to not submit another 🤣🤣🤣



So i was thinking loki & the reader have been together for a while now, mutually bonding over the love of books, exploration, art ect) you really can add whatever commonalities you’d want but it’s prominent. even the rest of the avengers around the tower know you have loki absolutely whipped & there’s about nothing he wouldn’t do for his princess. well after and incident during a super solder base raid with the team, nothing horribly wrong let’s just say you get ambushed and engage in a fight till y/n happens to get blasted back and knocked unconscious, getting lost in the rubble and continuation of the fight. loki flips out and saves your ass, once back at the tower & you have been cleared by the team doctor, loki has a serious conversation with you. about how he believed you had been taken or worse killed. he’s been thinking about this for awhile and at first what was stopping him was fear of rejection but if this situation taught him anything it’s that he cannot go any longer without calling you his wife. tomorrow is not promised so he wants to make sure y’all will be linked for eternity, getting to my final point. the “Asgardian” way of proposal between two warriors. a love lock, he would magically several lock of his hair from his head and a lock of hair from yours and then magically rebined the opposite locks to each then making the lock into a single braid mixed it with some of your natural hair think magical extension but one bonding you to your future husband. his promise to you. of course ending in smut but i think just passionate love making cause it fits the plot lol.

i hope you take this into consideration, it not i completely understand!!! have a great day hun🥰

Heeeeey!!! Sorry it's taken me so long to get to this!!!!! I need to get my life together lol thank you so much for sending this to me!! I hope i do it justice!! 💚💚💚

====================================

Bonded

Pairing: Avenger Loki x female reader

Warnings: fight sequences, mild violence, panic, anxiety, all the feels, established relationship, soft smut, mild swearing, p in v, unprotected sex

Summary: After an incident on one of your missions, loki makes a decision....

A/n- graphics by @harlequin-hangout

You walked into the kitchen seeing Thor sitting on a stool at the kitchen island, Loki making a sandwich "Hello love, would you like something to eat?" He asked smiling at you "no thank you, I'm ok." You said leaning on the counter. "I wouldn't mind one." You heard Thor say "you know where the food is brother." Loki snarked turning his attention back to you "what are your plans today princess?" He asked mirroring your stance "I was going to ask you if you wanted to join me, they're hosting a new exhibit at the art museum today." You said wrapping your arms around his middle "I would love nothing more, go get ready I shall be right behind you." He said leaning down pecking your lips seeing you smile.

He watched you leave, turning his attention to Thor when he heard him laugh "is there something amusing brother?" Loki snarled glaring at him. "Not at all, I think it it quite sweet seeing you two." He smiled standing up "to think, the once dark prince of asgard brought to his knees by a mortal woman." He said walking around the kitchen island "so you intend to make jest on my behalf?" Loki snapped crossing his arms. "Not at all, I am very happy for you, I'm glad you found someone who could handle you." He smiled grabbing the bread. "Your mortal princess is quite the woman." He said "that she is." Loki said looking down the hall "now if you will excuse me my love awaits." He said following behind you.

And it was true, Loki would do whatever you asked of him, bend to your will...your every want and desire because he loves you. Loki has kneeled for no one, but for you he would gladly humble himself at your feet in a heartbeat. No one had ever held the prince's heart like you do, and everyone knew it. But Loki couldn't care less, because as long as you were happy, nothing else mattered. He knew he wanted to spend the rest of his life with you, marry you, he wanted only you to be the mother of his children. He thought about proposing many times but his own insecurities would always best him. Would you want to marry someone like him, the man who tried to enslave your planet, the lunatic who attempted the take over of an entire realm...no, you deserved better then that...then him. So he pushed it aside, deciding to bask in your light for as long as you would allow it.

He walked into your shared room seeing you slipping your shoes on when both of your phones started ringing "shit, well have to go to the gallery tomorrow." You huffed throwing your phone on the bed "and we will love, I promise you." Loki said wrapping his arms around you "well, let's go see what the emergency is." You sighed, kissing his cheek you laced your fingers with his guiding him to the conference room. You sat listening to Steve drone on and on about the mission, where you were going until finally "ok, any questions?" He asked as everyone remained silent "Alright, we leave in ten." He said leaving the room. "Oh Mischief." You smiled turning in your chair "I may need some help getting into me suit." You winked seeing his cheeks pinken "anything for you my love." He said standing up hearing everyone groan "oh shut up" you snapped at everyone, grabbing Loki's hand you headed back to your room.

After ten minutes and a pretty intense make out session you both walked out onto the helipad "wow, that was fast. Old age getting to ya?" Tony snarked as you punched him hard on the arm "ouch! What was that for!" He yelled rubbing his arm "you will not speak to him like that." You growled stepping closer "and as far as his...adequacy should I tell you of the other night when he bent me over the..." You snarked "God no....sorry loki." Tony said shuffling inside. "Darling, you didn't have to." He trailed off as you leaned up kissing him deeply "no one speaks to my prince in such a way. Now come on let's find a seat." You said winking as you walked inside. He felt his heart flutter in his chest at your words, no one had stood up for him like that before. Maybe you did love him as much as he loved you....

"Hey firecracker, I could use a little help over here!" You yelled into the coms as another super soldier came barreling at you. You knew this mission was going to be hard, but you weren't expecting there to be this many of them, hydra really had bumped up their numbers. You were about to throw your dagger at him when you felt mjolnir fly past your head taking the man out. "Took you long enough." You huffed leaning over "my apologies my lady, I was a bit detained." He said summoning his hammer back to him. "Well next time..." you were cut off as an explosion rocked the building sending you and thor flying back, you head hitting the wall as parts of the ceiling came down landing over you "y/n! Are you alright!?" You heard Loki yell through the coms "loki...im...." you tried, your head throbbing as your vision darkened feeling yourself slump to the ground.

The next thing you saw were large pieces of rubble being pulled off of you "y/n! Where are you!?" You heard Loki's voice resonate through your mind "loki." You said squinting as the light slowly filtered through the cracks. You lifted your arm, sticking your hand through a small crack waving your fingers when you felt someone grab them "y/n, I'm here, just hold on." You heard loki say as he squeezed your hand before letting go, beginning to remove the rest of the rubble around you "Thor, help me!" He yelled, looking up squinting when a large chunk of concrete was shifted, light shining in your eyes making your head pound harder. "Darling, give me your hand." He said, looking up seeing Loki's panicked face looking back at you.

You reached up grabbing his hand as he pulled you up through the opening, looping his arm under your legs picking you up "loki, I'm fine I can walk." You said rubbing your temples, glancing down seeing your suit covered in dust and blood "hush love, I'm going to get you out of here." He said walking quickly around the rubble. "It wasn't that bad, I'm fi.." you were cut off as his eyes shot to yours "not that bad! What if...if you..." he trailed off looking ahead as he made his way back to the jet, laying you on the gurney you chose not to argue and laid back watching him take the seat next to you, keeping ahold of your hand as the others filed in.

You arrived back at the tower, being taken directly to med bay to be examined while Loki stood across the room, arms crossed not taking his eyes off of you. He hadn't said a word since you entered the jet, the silence was deafening as he stood watching you "ok y/n Your all set. Luckily you just have a few bumps and scrapes, as well as a minor concussion but nothing to worry about. Just get some rest and you'll be good as new." The doctor said smiling as he walked out. You looked up watching Loki unfold his arms, slowly walking towards you "come y/n, there is something I need to discuss with you." He said holding out his hand.

You hesitantly reached out, grabbing his hand as he interlocked his fingers with yours gently guiding you off the bed. "Loki, i.." he cut you off raising his other hand "we will talk when we get to our chambers." He said walking with you to your shared room, opening the door he waved you ahead as he followed, closing the door behind him. "Please sit love?" He said. You sat on the couch watching him pace back and forth. "Can you say something please?" You asked fidgeting with your fingers when he stopped and looked at you "I am sorry I was upset earlier, it was not your fault I just.." he trailed off sitting on the coffee table in front of you "love, i...I can't lose you." He said grabbing your hands. "I'm fine Loki. You heard the doctor." You said squeezing his hand "yes, but when I couldn't find you...I wasn't sure if you were taken or..." he trailed off again looking down

"Y/n, I do not have the words to tell you how much I love you." He said, sliding to his knees in front of you "I cannot spend another day of my life without making you mine." He said "but I am yours loki." You said watching him hold his hand out, a dagger appearing in a puff of green mist "my love, would you honor me and become my wife...my queen?" He asked gripping the dagger in his hand "i...I don't know what to say." You said feeling your eyes burn "say yes..." he smiled "y..yes! Of course yes!" You smiled, reaching forward wrapping your arms around his neck, pulling back kissing him.

"Love, there is something I would like to do, I know here on Midgard you exchange rings to your betrothed, on Asgard we perform what is called a binding, it will bond you and I together for eternity." He said watching you "would you allow me to perform the bond?" He asked "um...yeah...yes!" You said scooting forward watching him bring the dagger to his hair, pulling a lock to the side he cut though it holding it in his palm as he reached up to your hair behind your ear cutting through it placing it in his palm next to his. He grabbed you hand closing his fist around the two locks of hair "are you ready love?" He asked as you nodded. He closed his eyes, chanting something in a different language as his hand glowed green, opening his palm seeing two braids.

He grabbed one, reaching up behind your ear you felt the braid begin to knit into your hair making your scalp tingle. "It tickles." You laughed seeing him smile as he reached up doing the same with the other braid in his hair. You reached up running your fingers down it smiling "I will get you a ring as well, but in case anything happens to either of us the bond will lead us back to eachother." He said grabbing your hands. "Oh loki...I love you." You said leaning forward pressing your lips to his, you felt his arms wrap around you pulling you to him as you tilted his head deepening the kiss. You slid forward, straddling his lap joining him on the floor, your fingers running through his hair feeling his fingers crawl up your sides, finding the zipper of your suit, slowly sliding it down as his tongue swiped across your bottom lip, parting your lips you swirled your tongue with his, sealing your lips to his.

You moaned into his mouth feeling his cool fingers slip under your suit, slowly pushing it back sliding it down your shoulders. You pulled back, nipping his bottom lip looking into his eyes "loki...I need you." You panted, looking down at his leathers, dipping your finger under the hem at his neck "p..please Loki." You whispered when he closed his eyes, engulfing you both in a green light leaving you bare to eachother. You shivered feeling his fingers glide softly over a bruise on your side "are you sure? You are hurt my love." He said looking up at you "im fine loki." You said grabbing his shoulders "make love to me.." you whispered, pressing your forehead to his "please...loki." you said. "As you wish." He breathed. You wrapped your arm around his middle, the other gripping his hair holding him to you feeling his erection press against your thigh.

You lifted your hips as he reached between you, lining himself up "are you ready love?" He asked, moaning feeling his tip press against you "y..yes..please." You breathed, gently pressing your hips down, the need to feel him in you overwhelming. His arm snaked around your hips, pressing you to him as he guided himself to your entrance, his other hand gripping your hip as you slowly sank down onto him, spreading his knees wider opening you up more as he stretched you to your limit. "God...Loki..." you moaned, digging your nails into his back as he bottomed out. "Your God y/n...I am only...ahh...for you." He panted, holding his forehead to yours his fingers dug into your hips, guiding you up to his tip, his hips lifting to meet yours as you lowered back down.

You threw your head back, feeling his lips latch onto your neck, kissing down to your chest as he slowly thrust his hips up into you. "I...ahhh I love you..." you moaned, the feel of his cock rubbing against your walls making you clench around him. "I...mm...love you t..too..." he panted, his thrusts beginning to speed up as his fingers dug into your skin, adding to the collection of bruises that littered your skin. You tilted your head forward, kissing him deeply, your teeth grazing his lip as you rocked your hips to meet his "c..come with me love..let me...ahhh feel you." He moaned against your lips. You felt the tightening in your stomach, tugging his hair as you came hard around him, digging your nails into his back sure you would leave marks "l..loki!" You yelled, your orgasm washing over you, your vision blurring as the feeling overwhelmed you.

"C..come Loki...aahhh shit...give it all to me." You moaned feeling him twitch inside you as his thrusts became faster....harder. "y..y/n...i...." he groaned, thrusting up hard into you, holding your hips to his as he spilled inside you "h..Holy fuck..." he moaned, screwing his eyes shut laying his head on your chest. He slowly rocked into you, riding you through your highs as he lifted his head meeting your gaze "are you ok? That wasn't too much?" He asked pushing your hair back. "It was perfect...you are perfect." You smiled, gently kissing him. "Would you join me for a shower? I think we both need one." You laughed pulling small piece of concrete from his hair. "Of course my love, but I cannot promise to keep my hands to myself once this beautiful body is lathered in your soaps." He smiled. "I would expect nothing less..my king." You purred kissing his cheek hearing him groan "keep speaking like that and you won't make it to bathroom." He said sternly.

You leaned forward, kissing his neck under his ear "I'm counting on it" you whispered feeling him shiver. "You are playing with fire love." He growled making you shiver "I will gladly let it consume me." You breathed as he stood, wrapping your legs around his hips you grabbed onto his shoulders "allow me to feed the flames." He growled, his hands gripping your thighs as he walked towards the bathroom. "I love you my king." You said kissing his neck "and I love you, my queen." He said smiling up at you. You looked deep into his eyes knowing your were home in his arms.

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[dbnightingale24]

Menace In Sheets, Menace In the Streets

Andy Barber One Shot

~~

I’m just gonna start this off by saying I’m an asshole. Honestly, relationship wise, I’m happy as hell. So, I don’t know why the fuck I made this. Lol, I’m clearly still working through some trauma. That being said, here ya go! Another fucking novel of angst. Yes, there will be a part 2, but there was no way I was gonna post a 40,000+ story on Tumblr. Sorry, but no no, I’ve gotta stop making these so damn long lol. I was gonna add pictures and a mood board, but it’s so fucking long. Maybe in part 2, if I can control myself. Also, I promise to update and finish my stories soon. I don’t know what my damage is lol. I hope you all enjoy!

Also, fucking SUPPORT SEX WORKERS!!!

Word Count: 38,125 (I’M SORRY)

Warnings: 18+(MINORS DNI),Smut, Sex Worker Reader, Dark(ish) Andy, Sugar Daddy, Daddy Kink, Swearing, Drinking, Unidentified Illness, Loss, Mourning, Coping, Arguing, Open Marriage, Lying (but only a little), Depression, Anxiety, Longing, Regret, Envy, Jealousy, Insecurities, Anger...I think that's it? I’ve been working on this story for almost a month. Be nice to me.

Song(s) That Inspired This Story: I Really Hope You All Like the Playlists I Put Together

Summary: Under the world’s worst circumstances, you find yourself having the one job you swore you’d never have. When you catch the eye of the last person you ever thought would be interested in you, do you take the offer or run for the hills?

I do not give consent for my posts/stories/works to get posted elsewhere. 

~~

You never wanted to work at a Gentleman’s Club. You saw all the hell your best friend went through and told yourself you’d never do it. You told yourself that there was nothing in life that would make you resort to something you despised so much. It’s not that you looked down on the women that worked there. You despised the men.

They all reminded you of your father.

They were older or, at least, old enough; they were usually cheating on their significant others, they were handsy, disrespectful, and they were assholes. Your best friend, Mary, had told you a handful of times how horrible the men at those clubs were. Especially when you slept with them. They treated you like trash and half the time, when all was said and done, they’d just throw the money at you. Which made sense to you; men only respect sex workers until they’ve gotten what they need.

So, you promised yourself that you’d never even consider doing something like that, because you refused to ever let men think they had something over you. You refused to be the crack in someone’s happy marriage. Someone’s happy life.

It’s funny how life has a way of making you eat your own words.

“Your favorite table is asking for you,” Lindsey smiles at you sympathetically.

“Is it Tuesday already?” you groan, looking over at the table full of lawyers eyeing you like starving jackals.

“Hey, they know the rules. They can’t touch you. If they do, they know Samantha won’t allow them back, and they’d rather die than have that.”

“You say that but-”

“But nothing. I know how worthless they can make you feel, even without you taking your clothes off, but do your best to remember that they can’t and won’t do anything to you.”

“I just don’t know why they won’t leave me alone,” you scowl.

“The same reason no other man in this place will leave you alone; they know you’re a virgin.”

“Yeah, why Samantha needed to let them know-”

“Because she’s a cunt who cares about money,” Lindsey snaps as she cleans out a glass before filling it halfway with Jameson.

“Linds,” Allison calls as she makes her way downstairs “Tim is asking for you.”

“For fucks sake, is he alone?” she sighs as she lets her hair down.

“For now,” Allison responds sympathetically.

“Love that for me,” she mutters as puts the last drink on your tray. “Remember, they don’t have any power over you unless you give it to them,” she smiles weakly towards you before walking away and making her way upstairs.

“She’s not wrong,” Lindsey echos softly.

“She isn’t, but still,” you sigh before grabbing the tray and slowly making your way over to the table you dread most.

“Our favorite little cherry,” one of the lawyers smirks and it makes your skin crawl. “How come you’re never as excited to see us as we are to see you?” he questions, feigning hurt.

“Well, you’re always catching me towards the end of my shift-”

“We could make the end of your shift better for you if you’d just let us take you upstairs,” one of the other lawyers smirks suggestively.

“Then what reason would you have to come and see me?” you smile sarcastically.

“Oh, if anything, it’ll give us more reasons to come and see you,”another one chuckles.

“Sorry boys, tonight isn’t your lucky night. Whose card is all of this going on and do you wanna leave it open?” you smile the best you can, feeling extremely uncomfortable as all of them ogle you.

“Mr. Barber here is the big spender of the night,” the first man laughs.

Andy Barber.

The gorgeous, pompous, smug bastard. He came at least three times a week, and you were always his main focus. He liked to look you up and down as you served drinks, served other tables, and cleaned them off. He always had a dirty little smirk tugging at his lips, and tonight is no different.

“Here ya go, Darlin’,” he smiles at you, making you lean across the table so he can get a better view of your cleavage as you grab his card. “Keep it open,” he chuckles.

“Will do,” you mutter, practically snatching it from him.

You hate him. You hate all of them.

However, the tips are generous and money is something you’re in desperate need of at the moment.

What can you do?

As the night wears on, the drunker they get. Some of them disappear upstairs with the other girls, while others stay and let you know just how much they want to take you upstairs. None of them are shy about showing you the tents you give them.

Except Andy.

He’s quiet as he watches you, amusement in his eyes as you do your best to hide just how disgusted you truly are and how much you hate being there.

“It’s last call,” you tell them, finally showing some sign of happiness as the night comes to an end. “Would you like another round or do you wanna close out?”

“I think it’s best we close out. What do ya say, Tyler?” Andy questions the almost passed out man.

“Oh, you’re no fun, Barber,” the man drunkenly mumbles, barely able to stay upright.

“Let me grab the check for you,” you mutter, rolling your eyes.

When Allison hands you the bill, you scoff in disgust.

$512.74.

The fact that these men spend all this money, weekly, only ever adds to your disgust. Plus, what do their wives say? Do they even notice? There’s no way they can’t notice. All of these questions and more run through your head as you make your way over to the table, Andy already ready for you with his pen in hand.

“When are you gonna let me fuck that perfect little cunt?” Tyler drunkenly asks you as Andy snickers, signing off on the bill. “Someone as gorgeous as you? No way you’re really a virgin.”

“It’s time for you all to leave,” you huff, telling yourself that you only have to keep your cool for another 15 minutes.

“Leave our little Cherry alone,” Andy quips, putting on his suit jacket.

“Whatever, as much of a prude as she is, there’s no way she isn’t a virgin. That or shes never been fucked by a real man,” Tyler smiles menacingly.

“You guys get home safe,” you mutter as Andy helps Tyler up.

“You too, Darlin’,” Andy winks at you before he and Tyler make their way to the door, meeting up with the rest of their asshole lawyer buddies.

You roll your eyes as you grab the receipt and check to see if he left you a tip.

$450.00

You shake your head and roll your eyes, but none the less can’t fight the extremely small amount of gratitude you feel towards him. As much of a dickhead as he is, Andy always tips well.

And every little bit helps.

By the time the club is cleaned up and set up for tomorrow, it’s almost 3am and you’re more than ready to go home.

“Y/N, I need to speak with you, it’s important,” your boss calls as you put your jacket on.

“Samantha, it’s really late. You know I have to get home,” you sigh, fishing out your car keys. “Can it wait until tomorrow?”

“Come in early tomorrow,” she states firmly, but you can tell she feels bad about something.

Now what?

“Will do,” you agree with a nod before dashing out.

You practically speed home, hoping that you get there in time. When you pull up, you sigh in relief at the site of the home nurse just leaving.

“I’m so so sorry,” you offer sympathetically, running to meet her at the steps.

“Please don’t be, I’m sorry. I’d stay longer but-”

“No, oh God no! Please don’t worry! Tonight was inventory and deep clean and I couldn’t get out of it,” you grumble, letting your hair down and running a flustered hand through it. “How was she tonight?”

“As good as she’s gonna be,” the nurse offers sympathetically. “Y/N, you have to start preparing-”

“No, things could turn around,” you quickly interrupt, fighting back tears.

“You know what the doctors said.”

“Still...miracles happen all the time,” you smile weakly.

The nurse just nods and gives you a sympathetic smile. “She’s asleep. She was able to keep her food down today and she was pretty lucid. It was a good day.”

“Good...that’s good,” you sniffle before clearing your throat. “You should get home. Once again, I’m so sorry it’s so late, I’ll do better tomorrow.”

“Don’t worry about it. Get some rest,” she offers kindly before walking down the steps and making her way to her car.

You’re quick to get inside and change into your nightclothes, before brushing your teeth then making your way back downstairs and into the little makeshift hospice room.

“Is that you, Sweet Pea?” your mother calls softly.

“Hey mommy, it’s me. You should be asleep.”

“I can never sleep comfortably until you’re home,” she smiles softly, looking up at you. “How was your shift at the grocery store?”

“Good. Slow. Why we have a 24 hour grocery store, I don’t know. I’m grateful for it though. The pay is good.”

“They’re lucky to have you,” she smiles before she starts coughing, a few droplets of blood coming out.

“Mommy, you need your rest so you can build up your strength,” you quip, quickly pouring her some water and handing it to her.

“Sweet Pea,” she starts after catching her breath “you know I’m not-”

“It’s late,” you quickly cut her off. “It’s late and we both need rest. I love you,” you smile weakly before kissing her forehead then settling in the chair by her bed.

“I love you,” she responds weakly, and you know she’s worried about you.

As you start drifting off to sleep, you try to think of anything to keep her around just a little bit longer. If you’re doing the devil’s work just to keep up with her medical bills, there’s gotta be something out there in this big wide universe that’s gonna help you out...right?

Andy’s P.O.V

“You were out late last night,” Laurie mutters as I make my way into our bedroom, picking out a tie for the day.

“You have your life and I have mine. Isn’t that what we agreed to? What you wanted?” I scoff, annoyed with having to deal with the third degree again.

“I know what I said, Andy,” she snaps “I just didn’t think you’d spend half the week staying out late as all hell.”

“Yeah well, you have your fun and I have my fun. I don’t say anything to you when you spend all night out, and I have to hear about it, do I? You cheated, you said you wanted an open marriage, and you said you wanted a divorce when he graduates. From what I can tell, you’re getting everything you want,” I smile mischievously at her.

God, I love seeing just how much she hates living with the choices shes made.

“I didn’t think I’d barely see you. The only time I see you is dinner and when we’re taking Jacob out.”

“That’s what you wanted!” I snap, finally hitting my boiling point with her.

“I know, Andy! I just-”

“Then shut up and drop it!”

It’s not like I mean to lose my temper with her, but I’m also done keeping my cool. During Jacob’s trial, she gave up on us, not me. She got caught cheating, not me. She stopped believing in Jacob, not me. She demanded an open marriage and now bitches about it every week. Why the hell should I have to play nice? Why the hell should I care that she’s upset?

She didn’t give a fuck when I was.

“You two fighting again?” Jacob asks lazily as I make my way into the kitchen.

“It’s nothing for you to worry about, bud. Did you study for that exam?”

“Yeah, but mom didn’t wanna review any of it with me.”

“She didn’t want to or you didn’t want to ask her?”

“She didn’t want to. I asked her while she was watching some Hallmark movie and she said it wasn’t a good time. I asked her again an hour later, after her third glass of wine, and she told me to ask you when you got home.”

“She knows I work late,” I mutter, irritation over childish behavior showing itself. “Well, just go over the notes at school, I’m sure you’re gonna do great. You coming home for dinner?”

“No, because you won’t be home and having dinner alone with her sucks. Sarah’s parents have been inviting me over a lot anyway, so I figured I’ll just hangout there we’ll go to a party at Sam’s.”

“Whoa, when did you tell me about a party?”

“I didn’t think you’d mind since you’re always working and mom likes to pretend we don’t exist.”

“Be that as it may,” I bite, swallowing the pain I feel at how out of control all of this is getting, “you don’t make choices like that without asking us first. Who’s gonna be at this party?”

“Dad, I’m not 10 years old. I know how to-”

“That’s not the point here, bud. I know you’re almost out of the house and off to college, but for the time being, you’re still a child and living in this house. Now, who’s gonna be at this party?”

“I don’t know, half the class,” he sighs, frustrated with me. Probably frustrated with everything.

It’s not like I can blame him.

“Any drinking? Drugs?”

“Probably,” he shrugs.

“Jacob-”

“I know better, dad. Plus, I’m not gonna do anything that would put Sarah at risk. Not after everything we’ve been through,” he sighs heavily.

“I want you home no later than 12,” I contend, the guilt becoming too much.

“It’s a Friday!”

“12:30 Jacob. I mean it. I don’t want you sleeping all day tomorrow. We’re going fishing in the morning and I’m not about to spend 20 minutes dragging your ass outta bed.”

“Fine, fine,” he scoffs sheepishly. “I gotta go.”

“Have a good day, buddy,” I smile, wrapping him in a hug. God, I’m gonna miss this little shit when he goes off to school. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Dad,” he smiles, giving me a halfhearted hug, before letting go and making his way out. “I love you, mom,” he says as he meets her at the landing.

“I love you too, Sweetie. Have a great day at school,” she smiles, wrapping him in a tight hug.

I genuinely wonder how much she means that.

With one final nod and wave, he’s off and out the door.

“You told him he could go to that party?” Laurie scowls.

“He’s responsible and he works hard. He deserves a night out.”

“You would know.”

“Why didn’t you help him study with his exam?”

“If you would’ve been home early enough, you would’ve been able to. Maybe if you stopped spending so much time with all of your little whores-”

“What I do in my spare time is none of your fucking concern. When our son is home and asking for help, your first thought shouldn’t be to fuck me over,” I bite before grabbing my briefcase.

“You used to not be such a dick.”

“Yeah well, you used to love me. Shit changes,” I shrug as I make my way out.

“Are you gonna be home for dinner tonight?”

“No,” I call over my shoulder, continuing my way out. “Maybe you should call up one of your boyfriends and fuck him in our bed again. I won’t catch you this time.”

**

“You don’t need to spend so many hours working,” your mother sighs as you bring her lunch. “I have some money-”

“Mom please,” you sigh with a soft smile. “You’ve worked hard your whole life to take care of me and Viv, let me work hard and take care of you.”

“How is your sister?”

“I don’t know and I don’t care,” you huff.

“Sweet Pea, I’d really like for you two to work things out before I-”

“She deserted us, Ma. Just like dad did. She blames you and...no. If she wants to make things right with me, she can start by making them right with you.”

“She can help with-”

“We don’t need her help. We’ve been on time with all of the bills and we’re getting by.”

“Y/N, your father called last night while you work at work,” she tells you softly and that has you freezing in place on the chair by her bed. “He said he’s been trying to speak to you for the last few months and you haven’t been responding.”

“I have nothing to say to him.”

“Sweet Pea, I’m not gonna be around much-”

“Mom-”

“No, you’re gonna listen to me!” she snaps. “I know that you’re not ready to accept it and I’m not ready to leave you, but the fact of the matter is that I’m dying. In a few months, it’s just gonna be you and I don’t want you to be alone. I know you have Mary, and she’s practically your sister, but she isn’t blood. If they’re trying to make things right with you...” she starts to cry.

“Hey,” you call softly, fighting back your own tears as you gently get in next to her “I’m gonna be alright. You raised me...I’ll be alright.”

“I’m so sorry,” she sobs into your shoulder.

“None of this is your fault. Not him cheating, not him leaving, not Vivian taking his side, and not you getting sick. You have nothing to be sorry for. You did the best you could and this...this is where we’re at,” you sob, quickly wiping away your own tears. “Besides, maybe-”

“They’re no miracles coming our way, baby. I just want to enjoy these last few months with you the best I can, and I want you to forgive the people who love you before I’m gone.”

“Lets talk about something else for a while, okay?” you smile weakly, you both laying back. “Literally anything else.”

“Have you met anyone special yet?” she chuckles, wiping away her tears and you can’t help but throw your back out and let out a full bodied laugh.

“No, no, no I have not.”

“You are the pickiest person I’ve ever known.”

“I’m not picky,” you quickly defend with a smile “I just refuse to settle. Every guy that approaches me is a tool. Just because someone is attractive doesn’t mean they deserve my attention.”

“Oh, I’ve set a horrible example for you,” she chuckles softly, shaking her head.

“You’ve done nothing of the sort,” you smile before kissing the top of her head. “Nothing of the sort.”

You two spend the rest of your time together watching soap operas and taking Buzzfeed quizzes, before you force yourself to get ready for work.

“What do you wanna do this weekend?” you ask your mother as the nurse sets herself up.

“Go for a hike,” she smirks at you.

“A true smart ass.”

“Maybe we can have your sister over for lunch.”

“I’ll take hell no for $300.”

“Y/N.”

“Maybe,” you sigh as you make your way over to her and kiss her on the cheek. “I love you and I’ll try not to wake you when I get in.”

“Tell those grocery store not to keep you so late tonight.”

“I promise I won’t let them,” you smile.

You thank her nurse, Gloria , for agreeing to come early before rushing out and quickly making your way to work. The tone and look on Samantha’s face last night had you riddled with anxiety, because whatever she was going to tell you wasn’t going to be good. When you reach the club, you don’t even bother to change, you just go straight to her office. The looks you’re getting from the girls around you only make your anxiety worse.

What the fuck is about to happen.

“You didn’t even bother to change?” Samantha scoffs as you make your way into her office.

“My mother thinks I work at a grocery store and I have severe anxiety. I can change after we talk,” you state flatly as you take a seat in front of her desk.

She takes a deep breath and you feel as if you’re going to throw up. “Now, Y/N, I don’t want you to freak out-”

“Sam, please just tell me.”

“You’re gonna be Andy’s girl...Andy’s girl alone.”

“Andy who? Andy Barber?! No...no. NO!”

“Just calm down,” she tries to reason. “He’s not gonna do anything to you-”

“Bullshit! He has a reputation around here for a reason! I’m not about to be one of his playthings! I refuse!”

“If you don’t do it, I have to fire you.”

“Sam, I’m a damn good worker and I bring in a lot of money!”

“My hands are tied on this,” she sighs sympathetically.

“It’s your club!”

“It’s complicated,” is all she responds with.

You’re quiet, accepting your fate with as much dignity as you can. “He’s gonna be here tonight?”

“Yes and you’re to go straight to his room, 793.”

“Where he can do-”

“Y/N, I promise you. He’s not going to do anything to you that you don’t allow. I didn’t tell him your situation, but I did tell him that you’ve got your own reasons to work here. You reason for not going off with guys is your own and he’s going to respect that.”

“Sure he is,” you scoff. “Well, I guess I better start getting ready.”

“Y/N, I’m truly sorry about this,” she tells you sincerely.

“Yeah, me too.”

As you change in the bathroom, you barely get into your skirt before you burst out into tears. Why had you talked yourself into taking this job? Why didn’t you just keep working 3 jobs? Wasn’t that better than this? Wasn’t it better to suffer the exhaustion than to suffer with the weight of this?

‘You have more time with your mother this way, and more money to help with things she needs,’ you kept telling yourself over and over again.

“Sweetie, it’s not gonna be that bad,” Lindsey tries to calm you through the door.

“Mary warned me about Andy!”

“If there’s anyone who should warn you, it should be Mary,” she sighs “but he’s not gonna force himself on you. If you tell him to stop, he will!”

“I want nothing to do with him!”

“Just don’t fall for his bullshit, that’s all. He likes to build girls up and takes joy out of breaking hearts. You’re smarter than that. Smarter than him.”

“I fucking hate this.”

“I know you do, babe. I know,” she sighs opening the door and wrapping you in a hug “but it’s gonna be okay. Just keep your head on straight and you’ll be okay.”

You can’t stop your shaking, so Lindsey finishes does your makeup for you. You put your hair up in a high bun and take a deep breath.

“Hun, if Samantha says she told him not to do anything to you, then she did. She may be a roaring bitch, but she is very strict about keeping us safe.”

“I just need to keep reminding myself how much I need this job.”

“How’s she doing?”

“Dying,” you scoff humorlessly. “This day fucking sucks, I swear to God.”

“Well, isn’t Mary coming home for the weekend? We can go out! You, me, Allison, and Mary!”

“Don’t you and Allison have work tomorrow? I don’t wanna get either of you in trouble. Plus, I can’t afford for my mother-”

“One night won’t kill Samantha. She can give our shifts to Madison and Jillian, since they’re bitching so much about lack of shifts.”

“If Jillian and Madison find out they’re covering shifts so you two can hangout with me, they’re gonna hate me even more.”

“Who gives a fuck? Both of them are the worst kind of scum. Allison and I will take off and we’ll all go out on Saturday.”

“There’s still my mother-”

“We’ll scrape up some coins and pay for it.”

“Lindsey no. I can’t ask-”

“You’re not asking me anything. I’m offering and I know Allison will be more than happy to help. Besides, its been forever since we all got to hangout with each other.”

“Linds...are you sure?”

“Yes, now lets go out there and get this night over with as quickly as we can,” she encourages, pulling you out of the bathroom.

“I don’t want to!” you groan, slowly following her lead.

“I’ll tell you one thing, he’s gonna have a hard time not wanting to touch you,” she smirks.

“LINDS!”

“I’m sorry,” she laughs “I couldn’t resist!”

“I’m finding you both in a better mood than I thought you’d in,” Allison smiles as she meets you two at the bar.

“You missed all the tears and stress,” Lindsey smiled sarcastically.

“I mean, not be a bitch, but I’m happy I did. I probably would have screamed at Samantha,” Allison scowls.

“None of that because we’re asking Samantha for tomorrow off so we can hangout with babycakes and Mary tomorrow.”

“Yes! I’ll be on my best behavior tonight!”

“We’re also gonna put together some money for someone to watch her mom while we’re out tomorrow.”

“Sounds good to me,” Allison beams.

“You two are too good to me,” you smile before wrapping them both in a tight hug.

Lindsey and Allison do their best to keep your mind occupied until Samantha announces that the club is open for the night.

“Just take a deep breath, you’ve got this,” Allison reassures the best she can before making her way over to the bar.

“Remember what I told you,” Lindsey smiles, following suit as she lets her hair down. “Keep your head on straight, no matter what, and you’ll be fine,” she promises before walking off.

You aren’t sure whether you’re supposed to be serving tables or not, but you figure it best to look busy instead of waiting for Andy to saunter in. Besides, keeping busy, helps your mind stay busy. However, you don’t even have a chance to start taking orders before Marisol lets you know that Andy’s in his room and waiting for you.

You make your way over to the bar, asking for a tray with a glass and a bottle of Old Rip Van Winkle. Allison gives you a weak but reassuring smile and all you can offer is a small nod before grabbing the tray and making your way upstairs.

‘Your mother is worth all of this. This job helps you take care of her the best you can,’ you repeat to yourself as you get on the elevator and make your way up to the floor he’s on. When you finally reach the floor you slowly make your way down the hall to room 793.

‘Of course he gets the suite,’ you think to yourself as you knock on the door. ‘You’ve gone through worse, you can do this,’ you tell yourself.

“Didn’t think you’d get here so quick,” Andy smirks as he opens the door and steps aside for you to make your way in.

“Wasn’t much of a trip,” you mumble as you make your way inside and look around.

You’ve never been in any of the rooms and aren’t sure what to expect, but you don’t find yourself being all that surprised by the crimson color walls and sexual paintings hanging up. The black satin pillows on the crimson red sofa do nothing to heighten your experience.

In a sense: everything is just how you expect it to be.

“There’s only one glass here, why?” Andy questions, opening the bottle of bourbon and pouring a glass.

“I can’t drink.”

“Are you underage?”

“No, I’m working.”

“Hmm, you are, aren’t you?” he chuckles softly before going into the tiny kitchen area and grabbing himself a glass. “You work for me now, don’t you?”

“Haven’t I always?”

“Now, you only work for me...we’ll just keep it under the guise of you still working for this little club,” he smirks as he pours you a drink. “However, Samantha told me I’m not to do anything to you that you don’t want or ask for. I’ll respect that,” he agrees as he hands you the glass.

“Gee, thanks,” you mutter, taking the glass from him and looking at it.

Did you really want to have a drink with Andy Barber?

“You are going to have to adapt to your schedule-”

“No,” you stated firmly, meeting his heated gaze.

“No?”

“No, you’re going to have to adjust yours. If you want me to be your girl, and yours alone, then you’re going to have to meet my needs,” you finish, taking a sip of your drink, hoping to keep your resolve as you feel it start to chip away.

You really can’t afford to lose this job.

Andy chuckles before looking you over. “You really are a pistol aren’t you?”

“You’ve forced me into a corner and I don’t like it.”

“What corner? I always tip you well, I keep my hands to myself, and I keep my comments to myself.”

“The corner of making me choose this or my job.”

“Oh Sweetheart, that’s Samantha’s doing. Sure, I keep her out of trouble, but if she’d run a cleaner operation, she wouldn’t have to worry about me covering up anything, now would she?”

“Whatever business you two have doesn’t concern me. I can only look out for myself and that’s what I intend to do.”

“And if I don’t agree?”

“Then I guess I’m out of a job,” you shrug, secretly hoping he won’t accept your terms and conditions.

Andy looks you over before he speaks. “Take your shirt and bra off.”

“Excuse me?”

“What part has you confused?”

“I thought you said-”

“I didn’t say I wasn’t going to touch or look at you. Now, I told you to take your shirt and bra off,” he smirks at you. “I need to make sure I’m getting my money’s worth. While you’re at it, let your hair down. I wanna see as much of you as I can.”

You take a deep breath, reminding yourself how much need this job, before slowly removing the extremely tight uniform top followed by your bra. When you take him take a deep breath, your toes curl as you let your hair down.

Just because you’re repulsed by the man, doesn’t mean you’re not happy at the fact he finds you attractive. You have standards but that doesn’t make you an idiot.

“Fuck, I’m tempted to tell you take that skirt off, but I don’t think I’ll be able to follow the rules if I do,” he groans as adjusts himself on the sofa. “Spin for me.”

You quietly do as your told, closing your eyes and praying that by some miracle, the clock has sprung forward by 6 hours and you can go home.

“Jesus, why can’t you adjust your schedule? What’s so important that-”

“It doesn’t matter why I can’t. I just can’t. Yes, it is that important and no, I won’t budge. I’m not an idiot, Mr. Barber. I know just how much money I stand to lose if I don’t make you happy, but they’re certain things I just won’t negotiate on.”

“It’s always about money with you girls,” he chuckles, taking a sip of your drink.

“& it’s always about sex with you boys,” you bite back, losing your temper.

It’s not like you mean to lose your patience, but it’s not as if he knows anything about you. What right does he have to question you and your reasons for doing what you do?

“You want your weekends off and Mondays, right? So, I can’t fuck you, can’t see you on weekends, and I don’t get to ask about your personal life. Any other rules you need me to follow for this to be mutually enjoyable?” he questions with a cocked eyebrow, his eyes still glued to you.

“You don’t get to make any bold statements or assumptions about me. You don’t know me and you don’t know why I do this. Despite all of the feelings you may have towards the other women who work here, who are all more than worthy of respect by the way, you don’t know the first thing about me.”

“You work at a Gentleman’s Club and think I don’t know all there is to know about you?”

“You pay women for sex and frequent said Gentleman’s Club, so you really think you’re in a position to throw stones?” you question, crossing your arms.

Andy’s thoughtful before he speaks. “That’s fair and a good point. Fine, no witty remarks or judgment on my end. Anything else?”

You’re thoughtful as you try to make sure you’ve covered all your bases. “I don’t think-”

“Need you to know for sure, Sweetheart.”

“No,” you quickly snap, not liking how dumb and inexperienced he makes you feel.

You should’ve taken more time to think on it.

“Good. Now, these are my rules and you will follow them,” he warns as he sets his drink down. “You’re not to serve any other guy, besides me. I don’t even want you helping the other girls out with orders. When you get here, I want you topless and waiting for me. I want a glass of bourbon ready for the both of us when I get here, because I want you drinking. I don’t want you drunk, I just want you loose. We’re not gonna get anywhere if you’re always so fucking uptight. Also, what we do stays between us. I have a kid at home and I don’t need him going through anymore hell than he already has.

When we’re together, your focus is on me and no one and nothing else. If you start seeing someone outside of work, you’re telling me. I don’t like sharing my things and that doesn’t change because of what we do here. How much do you make in tips a week?”

“$8,000,” you blurt out without even think about it.

“Of course you do,” he chuckles. “Pretty little thing like you...$10,000 a week it is. Bonus if you’re good for me.”

“10...Andy-”

“Trust me, I can afford it,” he chuckles at your confused state.

“Andy, I collectively make $8,000. It’s not just...you don’t have to...”

“If I want you to make it worth my while, I need to have something to offer, don’t I? Especially since we’re not fucking...yet,” he smirks. “So, whatever you’re being paid by Samantha and me giving you $10,000 a week...that’s a decent setup, isn’t it?”

“Y...yes,” you stutter, still trying to come to terms with your new reality.

“I expect you to be on time daily. If you’re going to be late, you let me know; not Samantha. If you’re going to be late, you tell me. However, unless you’re dying, I don’t expect you to miss a day.”

“What if I’m sick?”

“Let me know in advance and we’ll work around it.”

“Andy...what do you...why do you want me?”

“Because you hate me,” he shrugs as if it’s the most simple thing in the world. “The fact that you despise me makes me want you. It’s fun and it keeps everything exciting. You’ve only been here a few months and you’ve made it a point to avoid me as much as possible, so why wouldn’t I want you? Why wouldn’t I want to make the playing field as uneven as possible? That makes it all that much more fun for me.”

“Yeah but...”

“But what?”

“It’s not like I’m the only one here who despises you. Most of the women here despise all the men who come here.”

“You’re gorgeous and, if I’m honest, the fact that you’re a virgin turns me on. How old are you?”

“25.”

“You’re 25 and still a virgin? Bullshit,” he laughs before pouring himself another drink.

“I’ve done some things,” you mutter, feeling small “I just haven’t done it.”

“What have you done?”

“A few hand jobs, making out, I’ve been fingered, and I’ve let a few guys down on me,” you sigh before downing the rest of your drink.

All of a sudden, you feel very stupid and very out of place.

“So basically, you’re a virgin,” he chuckles as he beckons you over.

“Isn’t that the draw of me?” you ask, holding out your glass as he fills it.

“One of the many,” he smirks as he looks you over. “You’re allowed to ask me three questions about my personal life, then we agree on this.”

“Three?”

“After we shake on this, it’s an agreement. After we shake, you have your boundaries and I have mine.”

“What does your wife think? Does she even know?” you ask without thinking, taking a sip of your drink.

“I’ll count that as one question,” he smirks. “She knows. We have an open marriage, so she does what she wants and I do what I want. Weekdays are her days to play and weekends are my time...well, up until now, which I���m sure she’ll be happy about.”

“You don’t ever-”

“Careful, you only have two questions left,” he warns as he takes a sip of his drink.

You’re thoughtful, keeping in mind that your window into his soul is limited. “What do you get out of this? You know what the women in this place think, thanks to me, so why? Why go through the cycle if you already know the ending?”

“Lets just say...it counts as my therapy,” he laughs humorlessly. “I’m working through some shit and all of this...it helps. Maybe one day I’ll be right in the head again, but until then, this is all I have. Last question?”

“Why did you break Mary’s heart?”

That caught him off guard. “You know Mary?”

“I’ve known her since I was 5. She told me about this place.”

“Doesn’t seem like a very good friend if you ask me.”

“Well I didn’t,” you defend, not liking his tone “I asked you why you broke her heart.”

“Ask another question.”

“No.”

“No?”

“No,” you respond, raising your eyebrow this time before taking a sip of your drink.

“What did she tell you?”

“That she told you she loved you and you abused that love.”

“Only as much as she abused mine,” he shrugs, a cynical look coming to his eyes. “I’m fine with the world hating me. I’m a lawyer, most people hate me. However, I don’t start doing any of this shit without letting you girls know how it’s gonna be. I told her that I’m in an open marriage, I told her that I’m not looking to fall in love, and I told her that I just want to have fun. She said she was fine with that and understood it,” he sighs before taking a large sip of his bourbon. “ She said she was fine with it and wasn’t looking for anything besides a hefty tip to get her through school. We had an understanding.”

“Then?”

“She caught feelings. We caught feelings. No, I never loved her, but I did like her. I liked her a lot, but I never made her my regular. She didn’t like that. I fucked up by buying her jewelry and shit, and letting her entertain the idea of her and I being something more one day, even though that was never my intention. Mary is too...she’s not for me. So, when she asked me when I’d stop sleeping with the other girls, I told her I didn’t know. She asked me if I thought she was enough and I told her no. So, she in turn, started to hate me and I don’t blame her. It’s not like I didn’t deserve it but, in my defense, I never promised her anything. She knew what this was from the beginning.”

“Then why-”

“Three questions, Sweetheart. That was the deal,” he quickly interrupts, letting you know that he’s more than done with the conversation as he stands up. “Do we have an understanding or not?”

You look at his hand and contemplate all of the possible futures you could have. However, none of them seem as bad as not being able to have more time with your mother. “We have a deal,” you agree solemnly as you shake his hand.

“Oh, Sweetheart, I promise I’ll make this as fun as you let me,” he laughs as he breaks out your grip and starts to undo his pants.

“You said-”

“I said I wouldn’t do anything to you, I never said I wouldn’t tell you to do anything to me,” he advises as he takes himself out his pants.

“I’ve never...I don’t know how...” you start as you look at his size.

What the hell did you just get yourself into?

“I’ve got all night to teach you,” he coaxes; his smile sinister.

You finish off your drink before slowly sinking to your knees. ‘Might as well get this over with,’ you think to yourself as you open your mouth wide for him.

“Fuck, if only you could see you fucking good you look for me right now,” he chuckles before pulling his phone out and taking a few pictures. “You look like a fucking angel.”

You ignore the excitement his praise makes you feel as you start to stroke him. You lick his tip softly a few times, gaining a few low groans from Andy, before taking him into your mouth just a little.

“That’s right, Sweetheart, take your time,” he husks guiding you slowly.

Little by little you take him into your mouth until you can’t anymore.

“That’s a good girl,” he groans before throwing his phone down and starting to guide you on his cock. “you take me so well, baby.”

You can’t help but close your eyes as your own pleasure starts to build. You’re not sure if it’s because you’re pleasing him or if it’s because he’s controlling you, but the more you try and fight it, the more excited you become.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk,” he taunts as he grips your face with his free hand “eyes on Daddy.”

The muffled moan that escapes you makes him chuckle.

“So that’s what my good girl likes? You like being good for me?” he smirks down at you.

All you can do is look up at him nod, your cheeks feeling hot from embarrassment.

“Then be a good girl for me and make me cum,” he demands, his grip on your hair getting tighter as you pick up your pace. “God, you’re such a good little cock slut, baby,” he moans.

You clench your thighs together as much as possible, trying to fight off your own release, and you can see the idea forming in his eyes before he even says anything.

“Get up, baby,” he breathes, letting go of your hair. You eye him warily as you release him and slowly stand up. “Get on the bed.”

“Andy-”

“What did you call me?”

“Daddy,” you quickly correct, slightly tempted to test those waters. “W...why do you...?”

“Don’t worry, Sweetheart. Daddy’s not gonna touch you,” he coos gently as he makes his way over to you. “You’re gonna touch yourself,” he whispers hotly against your ear.

The mortification you feel at your arousal is apparent as your body shudders at just the thought of what he wants.

“Don’t get shy on me now, Darlin’,” he chuckles. “You need the release, I can see it and I wanna watch you fall apart, unless you want me to do it for you,” he taunts as his fingers trace the outline of your body.

“Fuck,” you moan before slowly making your way over to the bed.

You take a deep breath as you make your way over to the bed, climbing onto it before crawling to the center and laying on your back.

‘Of course this creative fucker thinks of a way to get me on this bed,’ you think as you slowly lift up your skirt a little.

“Take it off,” he demands softly, stroking himself while he gaze on you is intense.

You bite your bottom lip as you quietly obey, trying to force yourself to be in the moment. You’ve never done anything like this, and you never imagined your first heavy sexual encounter to be like this. However, it wasn’t about you and your comfort. There was something much more important a stake, and you weren’t about to fuck it up because you were uncomfortable and unhappy.

However, at the moment, you’re not sure if you’re unhappy with the current situation you’re in...or if you’re unhappy with how turned on you are by it.

“Fuck,” you sigh softly, sliding your hand down into your panties and playing with your clit. “Shit!”

“God, you’re so fucking sexy,” he grunts as he picks up his pace.

“Daddy,” you whimper, starting to massage your left nipple with your free hand. “Feels so fucking good!”

“I wanna taste that fucking pussy so bad, let me see it,” he groans, his voice strained, and you can tell he’s close.

“How bad do you wanna see my cunt?”

“So fucking bad, baby. Thought about that perfect little pussy so much.”

“Then beg,” you demand with a gasp as you start to fuck yourself.

“Shit, please. Please baby, I need to fucking see it. Fuck, I’ve thought about it so much.”

“Yeah? Did you fucking jerk off to thought of eating me out?”

“You have no fucking idea how much,” he pathetically whimpers as he slowly makes his way over to the bed. “C’mon, be a good girl for Daddy and let me see that perfect little soaked pussy,” he begs.

“Fuck,” you moan, removing your hand and tasting yourself on your fingers before slowly removing your panties.

“Jesus Christ,” he pants, stopping at the foot of the bed. “Every part of you is fucking beautiful. You’re so fucking perfect.”

“You think so, Daddy?”

“Fuck yeah,” he groans as his movements starting to come quicker, as if he’s desperate for release. “Fuck, get over here, Sweetheart. Need to finish off in that filthy little mouth,” he demands weakly.

You quickly get on your knees and make your way to edge of the bed, never breaking eye contact as you open your mouth for him.

“Fuck, keep fucking yourself, I want you to cum for me, Sweetheart. I need you to,” he breathes heavily. He watches as one of your hands makes its way between your legs, and the silent whimper is all he needs. “Shit!” he shouts, shooting his load into your mouth.

It’s more than enough to send you over the edge into your own euphoric trance, as your force yourself to stay up right and steady. You keep your eyes on him as he continues to jerk off into your mouth, groaning satisfaction when the last bit of his hot seed touches your tongue.

“Don’t swallow just yet, Darlin,” he pants with s smirk, before fishing for his cell phone.

You can’t imagine how fucked out you look, and you don’t want to think about it, as he takes a picture of you. When he spits into your mouth, you expect to find yourself disgusted, but you only find yourself ready to do more to please him to your dismay.

‘When did you become this person?’ you think to yourself as look up at him and await his next command.

“Fuck, I wasn’t expecting you to be like this at all,” he chuckles before taking one more picture. “Swallow.”

You do as your told and keep your eyes on him, reluctantly finding yourself loving how much control you may have in the situation.

“Oh Sweetheart, you and I are gonna have a lot of fun together,” he smirks mischievously.

Over the next few hours, Andy is creative in the ways he makes you bring yourself off for his amusement. Loving how submissive you are but also relishing in how dominant you can be at times. He takes his time learning what you actually like and what you’ll do just to make him happy.

Always leaning more towards what you actually like.

By the time the night is through, your throat is sore, your body is tired, and you’re exhausted,

“I expect you to be on time, Tuesday,” Andy states as he zips up his pants, pulling out his money clip and throwing the money down on the bed. “Expect a punishment if you’re late.”

“Of course,” you mumble, looking down at the money next to you.

You’d never gone from feeling so blissed out to feeling like total shit so fast.

“Hey, cheer up. This will be fun for the both of us,” he smirks at you as he puts his suit jacket on.

“Sure it will. Don’t forget your wedding ring,” you remind him lazily as you get up and make your way to your bag.

Andy’s hesitant before he makes his way over to get it. “There’s nothing for you to feel bad about, Y/N,” he states softly as he puts his ring back on, and you can hear the sincerity in his tone. “What we do...it’s just for fun. It’s just sex. I’m free to do what I want and so are you.”

“Then why doesn’t it feel like it?” you question before grabbing your bag and disappearing into the bathroom.

You take your time in the shower, letting the night’s events play over and over again. No, you didn’t sleep with him and besides grabbing your hair, he hadn’t touched you.

However, it all still felt wrong. You didn’t feel like you. How you were going to tell Mary and try to avoid telling her how much a part of you enjoyed it, isn’t something you think you’ll be able to do.

But you know you have to.

You quickly dry and dress yourself in the bathroom, brushing your teeth the best you can without making your gums bleed, before making your way back out to the bedroom. Andy’s gone but he left a piece of paper with his number on it, next to the wad of cash on the bed.

You take a deep breath and throw both into your purse before making your way out of the room, wanting nothing more than to distance yourself for the new world you’ve made for yourself as much as possible.

“Hey, how’d it go tonight?” Allison asks, greeting you with a small smile as you make your way off of the elevator.

“Well, I’m still a virgin,” you mumble, walking by the bar and making yourself a drink.

“Oh shit,” she sighs, taking a seat next to you and making your own drink.

“We did...things. We did things and he allowed me to ask him three questions, so I of course asked about Mary-”

“Y/N....no,” she groans.

“Of course his story is different than hers, and for some reason, I believe him because it sounds...very Mary.”

“How so?”

“She thought she could change his mind and became upset when she couldn’t.”

“Well...yeah, that does sound very Mary,” she scoffs, taking a swig of her drink.

“How am I supposed to tell her, Ally? She’s going to be so-”

“You know just as well as I do that she’ll be understanding.”

“And you know just as well as I do that it’ll be to an extent.”

“She’ll come around, babe.”

“She never stopped loving him, fuck! What did I just get myself into?! He didn’t even know that I know her, let alone that she’s my best friend. He didn’t even wanna talk about it.”

“Wait. He didn’t wanna talk about it, and you made him talk about it?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged, finishing off your drink before pouring yourself another. “He told me to ask him something else and I told him no. However, by how hard he face fucked me tonight, I’m pretty sure I paid for it.”

“Did he-”

“He didn’t do anything I didn’t find myself liking, which is apart of the problem. I don’t want Andy, but I want the release he brings. Yes, at the end of the day, it really is all about the money, but I feel guilty for enjoying the things that get me the money.”

“Honey, if you’re lucky enough to end up with a fuckhead that you actually enjoy, there should be no guilt or shame in that. Andy Barber is fine as fuck and he chose you. Do you want to be with him?”

“Fuck no!”

“Then there’s nothing to feel bad about. He’s just a paycheck that you get to enjoy along the way. Take what you need while getting what you want,” she smiles reassuringly.

You both make small talk before she tells you that both her and Lindsey have off tomorrow, so they’ll text the plans for tomorrow in the group chat. You finish your drink and give Allison a tight hug before making your way to the exit. Samantha offers you a small sad smile before handing you your check and wishing you a great weekend.  

When you’re finally settled into your car, you open up your check and chuckle humorlessly.

$717.19.

You do quick math in your head and realize that you’ve made $10,717.19 without barely lifting a finger.

By the time you get home, you’re exhausted and don’t want to think anymore. You ask Gloria if she minds spending her Saturday night with your mother and she’s happy to tell you ‘no’ if it means you’ll go out and have fun for a change,

“Are you sure? Because you have your own life and-”

“Honey, I’ve never seen someone who works quite as hard as you do. You deserve a night off and some fun. If anything serious happens, I promise I’ll let you know,” she smiles reassuringly.

“How much do I owe-”

“This is on the house. For as long as I’ve been caring for your mother, you’ve never asked me for anything more than that’s been required.”

“I can’t just-”

“Yes you can,” she promises softly. “Be young and have fun, even if it’s for a night. Reality will be waiting for you when you get back,” she states sympathetically before making her way down the steps and to her car.

You watch her drive off before taking a deep breath and heading inside.

“You’re home early!” your mother beams as you make your way into the living room.

“No inventory, just regular bullshit,” you smile as you sit down in the chair next to her.

“I missed you today. Grease was on!”

“You watched Grease without me?!”

“Before the end of this life, I need to know why they literally fly off into the sunset,” your Mother jokes as you feel your heart break.

“What have you come up with?” you ask, doing your best to mask your pain.

“I don’t know just yet, but I will figure it out,” she giggles before turning her attention back towards the television.

You give her a small kiss on the hand before turning your attention back to the television. Soon enough, you hear her soft snores and do your best to fight sleep, trying to hold on to the moments that will soon be no more.

But you’re so tired.

You’re not sure how long you’re asleep before you hear your sister’s voice faintly in the background.

“She’s been working hard, honey. Let her rest,” your Mother says softly, but the happiness in her tone is very apparent.

“I know, but I just wanna talk to her. This is the first time I’ve actually seen her in years. She looks so grown up and I miss her. I know she hates me, and I don’t blame her, but I really-”

“She doesn’t hate you, Vivian. She’s just hurt,” your Mother corrects softly.

It takes all of two seconds for you to realize that you’re not having a nightmare and that your sister is, in fact, in the house.

“Vivian,” you yawn as your eyes slowly open “I didn’t know you’d be here today.”

“Hey! You’re up!” she smiles at you, going in for a hug, and instantly move away.

You feel terrible for being angry with your mother, but you don’t like being ambushed. At all. You see the pain in your sister’s expression, but you can’t find yourself feeling bad at all.

“What’s up?” you ask tentatively, your gaze flitting between the both of them.

“Um, mom asked me over for lunch today and I was hoping the three of us could-”

“I have plans,” you interrupt instantly, ignoring the scowl that leaves your Mother’s lips.

“Oh,” she replies weakly “well maybe this week-”

“I’m taking care of mom and I have work,” you reply with a shrug.

“Honey, why don’t you get started on lunch?” your Mother smiles at your sister, the best she can as she hides her annoyance towards you.

Your sister merely nods before slowly making her way out.

“Y/N-”

“Don’t,” you quickly interrupt. “You didn’t tell me she was coming over.”

“You didn’t tell me you had plans.”

“I guess it’s a good thing I didn’t, because you would’ve tried to ambush me another day.”

“I told you-”

“No mom. I get it, I really do. She’s your daughter and things are...I get it, but you don’t get to force me to make nice with her. She didn’t just walk out on you, she walked out on me too. She didn’t care because she was happy to blindly follow behind dad, even though he was in the wrong the entire time. I’m finer with her not being in my life. I’m fine with the both of them not being in my life.”

“You can’t hold on to this hate in your heart forever,” your Mother sighs.

“There’s no hate. I just don’t need them and I don’t care. They made this choice, not me.”

“Y/N-”

“Gloria is going to come over in a few hours. I highly doubt that Vivian is gonna be able to take care of you on her own. She doesn’t know a thing about your medication or diet.”

“Y/N-”

“I called her, ya know,” you almost sob. “When you were first diagnosed, I called her to let her know. I called her multiple times. I called her cell, her house, and her job. She couldn’t be fucking bothered. She never returned a call, always had someone answer for her to say that she was too busy...she made the choice for things to be this way and I’m not gonna feel bad for wanting nothing to do with her. For wanting nothing to do with either of them,” you sniff as you wipe your eyes.

“Who are you meeting up with?” your Mother sighs as she wipes her own eyes.

“Mary, she’s home for the weekend, so we’re gonna go out with a few friends.”

“You can’t see her tomorrow?”

“I want to spend time with you. Not you and Vivian.”

“Y/N-”

“We have tomorrow and Monday,” you smile weakly. “You have a lunch and I have to get ready for my day out.”

“I don’t want you mad at me, Sweet Pea.”

“I’m not mad, I’m just tired.”

You quickly make your way upstairs and put together an outfit before getting into the shower. You do your best to push your feelings of anger and irritation aside, but you truly can’t wrap your head around the fact that your mother tried to force you into spending time with your sister. It’s not like you don’t get why it means so much, and you truly want to make your mother as happy as possible while you still can, but you’re just not ready to speak to your sister or Father again.

You’re not sure if you ever will be.

As you dry yourself off and start getting dressed, you hear a faint knock on your door.

“Are you ever gonna stop hating me, Y/N?” your sister asks softly as she opens the door.

“I thought you had to wait for someone to say ‘come in’ before you make your way into their space,” you scowl.

“Y/N-”

“I don’t hate you, Vivian. I just want nothing to do with you or Dad. I think that’s fair.”

“Y/N, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry and I get it, okay? I was selfish, I was stupid-”

“You broke her heart, Vivian!” you finally snap. “You blamed her for something that she had no control over! You don’t think she tried to stop him from leaving? You don’t think it broke her heart that he’d rather cheat than be a better man for his family? She did everything she could for us, and you just...it doesn’t even fucking matter,” you sniff as you wipe your eyes, before putting on your sneakers. “She’s dying so you both need to make peace with your consciences. Whatever.”

“That’s not-”

“That’s exactly what the fuck it is. I’m not stupid. You’re lucky though, cause neither of you had to watch her fall apart in real time. You didn’t deal with the hair loss, the vomiting, the emergency hospital visits, the bills, the breakdowns, the freak outs, the coughing up blood, the weight loss, none of it. You guys waited till the end and I gotta say, you made the smart move. Avoiding any true guilt and coming in when you have just enough time to enjoy the few good days she has left? Genius.”

“Y/N,” she sobs.

“Gloria will be here around 5. I don’t know what time I’ll be home, so just try not to run out on her again until I come back, okay? Thanks,” you smile sarcastically at her, before grabbing your purse and pushing past her and making your way downstairs. “I’m gonna get going, Mama.”

“You won’t stay for-”

“I love you, but I can’t do it. I’m sorry, but I’m just not there yet,” you sigh with a weak smile. “But we’ll do something tomorrow, okay? We can watch ‘Grease’ together and try to solve the mystery.”

“Don’t be mad at me,” your mother pleads softly, gently placing her hand on yours.

“I could never,” you promise, kissing her forehead and slowly pulling your hand away “I just can’t be here right now. Gloria will be here in a few hours, okay?”

“Yeah...have fun and be safe,” your Mother encourages weakly. “I love you.”

“I’ll see you later,” you respond meekly before rushing out.

The minute you start your car, you start crying. Is it not enough that work just got extremely complicated? Now your personal life has to get complicated too?

By the time you arrive at Mary’s parents’ house, you’re spent and just wanna go home. But you know better. Going back to chaos will only cause more of it, and you need a break.

From everything.

“You’re here!” Mary squeals, running down the steps as you get out of your car, and you can’t help but chuckle. “I missed you so fucking much!”

“I missed you too,” you giggle as she tackles you with a tight hug. “Are the girls here?”

“No, we’re gonna meet them at the bar! Which means...”

“Oh God, please don’t make me!” you groan, stomping your foot.

“You get to help me get ready!”

“Can I just stab myself instead? It’s just as painful.”

“Ha ha, get your ass in here,” she smirks before pulling you inside her parents house.

As both of her parents hug you and welcome you in, your mind can’t help but wonder if they know. Know what Mary used to do, know if she helped you land your current job...how she’s able to pay for school without a cent from them...they have to at least be curious, right?

“So, catch me up! I feel like I haven’t spoken to you in forever!” she sings as she makes her way into the bathroom that connects to her room.

“What do you wanna know about?” you ask, fighting off the inevitable as your phone buzzes.

Unknown Number: Are you sure you can’t come in tonight?

Y/N: How did you get my number, Andy?

Unknown Number: Samantha will basically give me anything that I want. Any information I want about you, I can easily get.

Y/N: Jesus, did you help her cover up a murder or something?

Unknown Number: Something like that lol. Now, about tonight.

Y/N: I told you, Andy. My days are non-negotiable. I’ll see you on Tuesday.

Unknown Number: Are you sure?

When the text that follows is a picture of his hard cock in his hand, you’re feel your cheeks heating up at the arousal between your legs.

“Well, I’m guessing you’re not in the mood to talk about your Mother,” Mary sighs heavily, as you jump a little and hide your phone. “Sooo, I was thinking we could talk about work?” she asks hesitantly.

“Um, I mean...we can...”

“What don’t you want to tell me? Did someone hurt you? Is Samantha being a cunt? Because I swear to God I’ll-”

“No...no, nothing like that,” you chuckle nervously.

At that moment, your eyes land on a picture on her nightstand of you two when you were 6, and you truly want to die.

“Is it about Andy?” she asks softly.

“Yes,” you all but mumble. Her silence is enough to make you want to run away and leave, but you know you can’t. Mary’s your best friend and you need to be up front with her. “We don’t have to-”

“You may as well tell me,” she mutters and you can tell that she probably has her hands balled into fists.

“He uh...he wants me to see him...only him,” you confess nervously as you start to fiddle with your hands. “He knows I’m a virgin, and Samantha made him swear not to force himself on me, but we did...stuff last night. He obviously doesn’t know why I work there, and I don’t want him to, but the money he’s paying...it’s really good money, plus what Mary pays me at the end of the week. I need every bit of it.”

“He’s such a fucking asshole! I swear to Christ!” she exclaims, slamming her hand down on the sink. “Let me guess, Samantha made it known that you’re a virgin?”

“Yup, because you know how guys like that are. They want to be the first and they want to know they’re the only one whose touched you like that. Of course, the minute the word got out that she hired a virgin, business started booming,” you mutter, looking down at your feet.

You feel so fucking small.

“I’m not trying to be a bitch, I know how much you need the money. It’s the only reason I told you about the club in the first place, but do you-”

“It’s $10,000, Mary. No matter what happens with Sam, I’m guaranteed $10,000 with Andy. $10,000 a week? That covers expenses in spades,” you explain, trying to fight off your feelings of guilt. “It’s not like I’m happy about this or happy to be with him. I even asked him why he broke your heart,” you say before you can stop yourself.

“What? What did he say?” she asks, coming out of the bathroom half dressed, toothbrush still in her mouth.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Y/N, tell me-”

“Mary, why are you gonna put yourself through all of this again? Stop thinking about-”

“Please don’t,” she practically sobs. “I know, okay? I went through it and I know what...I know. It’s just not fucking fair!”

“Then stop thinking on it,” you beg, getting up and wrapping her in a tight hug. “You deserve better and you’ll have better. You’ll have the dream man you’ve always wanted, but you have to stop being so hung up on him.”

“Why does he get to have everything he wants?”

“Because he’s rich, babe. He’s rich which means he can afford to have everything he wants,” you smile sympathetically as you back away.

“Help me finish up?” she asks softly as she dries her eyes.

“I’d love to.”

You two spend the rest of the time at her house helping her get an outfit together and telling her about how about how Vivian and your Father are trying to come back into your life now that your Mother is nearing the end of hers. As you do her hair and explain everything that’s going on, you can tell that Mary feels bad at suggesting you not see Andy anymore.

“So, she just wants you to welcome her back with open arms like she didn’t fuck you both over?” Mary asks as you curl the last part of her hair.

“Yup. Vivian tried to give me a whole fucking story about how she’s not coming by to clear up her conscience.”

“What a bitch. Honestly, fuck the both of them. You’ve been taking care of your mother, for almost 2 years without any help from anyone. They have no right.”

“She wants us all to make up before she...but I’m not there yet. I don’t know if I’ll ever be there.”

“And that’s okay, babe,” she sighs. “I know all the hell you’ve gone through because of them, and they honestly don’t deserve your forgiveness, or even a fake act of kindness. Fuck them.”

“It’ll make her happy though and isn’t that what matters most?” you ask as your phone buzzes.

“I know how much you love her, hell, I wish she was my mother, but you have to draw the line somewhere,” she says firmly as your phone buzzes again. “Are you gonna answer that?”

“No,” you mutter, handing her your favorite eyeliner.

“It could be your mom.”

“I promise you it isn’t.”

“Oh,” is all she says. “Why-”

“He wants me to come in tonight,” you mumble as your phone buzzes again.

“You may as well answer it,” she gripes.

Unknown Number: You can’t say it’s not a good photo.

Unknown Number: C’mon, whatever you’re doing tonight can’t be more fun than spending time with me.

Y/N: I can’t tonight, Andy. I told you, my days are non-negotiable.

You’d be lying if you said you didn’t want to, because a part of you does. The release he gave you the night before is the only thing you truly crave right now, and it’s hard to believe that anyone else will give it to you.

That and the fact that there’s a small part of you doesn’t want anyone else to make you feel that way. It’s hard enough to accept that Andy makes you feel and act a certain that you never thought you would, but thinking that there’s possibly someone else that could unlock that inside of you?

That has you terrified.

By the time you and Mary make it to the bar, you’re more than ready to get trashed.

“Finally! Took you two long enough!” Lindsey squeals as you and Mary make your way inside the bar.

Allison practically knocks you over with the hug she gives you and you can’t help but laugh, knowing full well that she’s already buzzed.

“I missed you!”

“You just saw me last night,” you laugh.

“Yeah, but that’s work. I haven’t hung out with either of you in so long!” she whines before letting go of you and tackling Mary with a hug.

“Someone’s having a good time,” you giggle as you hug Lindsey.

“Like the rest of us, she’s in need of a night off,” she chuckles, hugging you tight.

“What happened?”

“She’s gonna bring it up later, but her and Tyler got into another argument about work. He doesn’t want her working at the club anymore.”

“Then maybe he should get a fucking job and do something? Besides, it’s not like it’s some fucking surprise. She’s been up front with him from the very beginning.”

“Trust me, I know exactly how you feel. I went off too. She needs to leave his ass, but you and I both know she won’t.”

“It’s really fucking sad what we’re willing to go through just fucking feel normal outside of work.”

“You’re telling me,” she sighs heavily.

As the night goes on, you all drink and talk about how life is currently being a bitch to all of you.

“You need to leave his ass, Ally,” you slightly slur as you grab your drink. “He’s a piece of shit and has no right to talk to you like that.”

“I love him,” she sighs before finishing off the rest of her drink. “I know I shouldn’t but I do. He wasn’t always like this and I get why he’s mad, I would be too. I sleep with other men for money, but he knew that. He knew that, he knows why, and he still...I just don’t know.”

“Exactly,” Mary jumps in. “He fucking knows why you do it. Outside of Lindsey, I don’t know anyone who stays at the job as long as we all have for shits and giggles. Well, Lindsey and the fucking terror twins,” she scoffs.

“Yeah, but I’m not a piece of shit like the terror twins!” Lindsey quickly defends as you all laugh.

“We know, babe. We know,” you encourage as you pat her arm.

“My point being,” Mary starts again “Tyler doesn’t like what you do, but he likes the money you make. He knows why you do it, but he literally does nothing to help you. He knows first hand how good you are at your job, but does nothing to keep other men from knowing why you earn so well. I don’t know, maybe he should take his fucking college degree and take care of you, instead of berating you because his fucking feeling are hurt,” she snaps as your phone starts to ring.

You take one look at it and scowl, before rolling your eyes and ignoring it.

“Looks like you’ve got Barber wrapped around your finger,” Mary scoffs before finishing off her drink.

“Don’t,” you bite before waiving a waiter over and asking for another round of drinks.

“I’m not,” she huffs “I just fucking hate him.”

“I didn’t decide on this lightly and you know that.”

“I know and I’m truly not mad at you. Honestly, I can’t even bitch about it that much because he didn’t even know we know each other. This isn’t him being a dick, it’s just him being attracted to someone else. The shittiest part is that the someone else is my best fucking friend.”

“I’ll just tell him that I can’t do it,” you shrug, grabbing your phone.

“Stop it, I’m sorry,” she sighs, rubbing the back of her neck. “You need that money and I know that. I want your mother to be as comfortable as possible, I’m just...I still love him. I shouldn’t and he doesn’t deserve my love, but that doesn’t change the fact that I do,” she almost sobs as your phone starts ringing again. “Just answer him,” she laughs humorlessly “I know him and he isn’t going to stop until he gets what he wants.”

“I can be persistent too, ya know.”

“Just answer him.”

You slowly make your way out, grateful for the soft breeze and the sound of the water hitting the rocks, before finally answering him.

“What?” you snap, leaning against the balcony ledge.

“You could be a little nicer, ya know.”

“What do you want, Andy?”

“You know what I want.”

“And you know that I can’t. Why are you-ow!” you exclaim as you almost fall over, but land on a metal table instead.

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine! I just...just lost my balance.”

“Are you drunk?” he scoffs.

“Maybe.”

“So, you can’t work on weekends because you’re an alcoholic?”

“Oh fuck off!” you snap and he laughs. “Mary is home for the weekend, so I was bullied into taking a night off so we can all hangout.”

“A night from...?”

“None of your business.”

“You’re a mean drunk.”

“And you’re a nosey man.”

“She mad at you?”

“I mean, she’s not fucking happy about it.”

“So you did tell her?”

“Why are you so surprised by that?”

“Most people choose the easy way out.”

“Do I seem like most people to you?”

“Fair point,” he chuckles softly. “You’re not driving home, right?”

“I’m not that stupid.”

“Text me where you are and I’ll send a service for you and your friends when you’re ready to leave.”

“There’s really no need, but thank you,” you sigh softly, not liking how his genuine concern makes you feel just a bit special.

“Y/N-”

“Mary’s already upset, Andy. You sending a car will only make her upset. We can get ourselves home.”

“At least let me know when you’re home.”

“Why do you care so much?”

“I just made a hefty investment. I can’t have you dying on me after just a day,” he jokes and you can’t help but burst out laughing. “I like your laugh,” he comments after your laughter dies down.

“Blame the alcohol.”

“I just might,” he scoffs. “You’ll let me know when you’re safe?”

“I promise,” you state softly.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Andy.”

As the night goes on, and you all get drunker, you do your best to push your thoughts about everything away. You don’t want to think about Andy, you don’t want to think about the fact that your Mother is on her way out, and you definitely don’t want to think about your sister and father. You just wanna stay in the moment with your friends and feel a temporary sense of relief, but as 2am hits and you’re holding Alison’s hair back, you know it’s time to go.

Figuring out how to get home is a bit tricky, but you all manage with you deciding that the three of them will sleepover at Lindsey’s and you’ll go back home. The second you stumble into your Mother’s house, you’re ready to go to sleep, but you remember that you promised Andy you’d let him know when you’re home. You plop down on the chair next to your Mother’s hospice bed and pull out your phone.

Y/N: I’m home safe.

You were ready to settle into the chair when you’re phone started ringing.

“Why are you up?” you yawn once you answer the phone.

“If I’m not fuckin’, I’m workin’,” Andy jokes and you chuckle softly. “Did you have fun?”

“Mhm, I think we all needed it. You need to get sleep.”

“Soon enough. Jacob’s still out.”

“Don’t be a boner when he gets home,” you muse lazily and Andy lets out a hearty laugh.

“I just wanna know he’s home safely. I trust the kid.”

“Always have.”

“See you Tuesday?”

“Mhm,” you hum as you start to drift off.

“Goodnight, Y/N.”

“Goodnight, Andy,” you smile before hanging up.

Sleep comes easily enough as you kick off your shoes and settle in the lay-z-boy. As you slip out of consciousness, you can’t help but feel anxious. Anxious about your Mother, your sister, your Father, your future...

Anxious about Andy.

You mentally tell yourself that everything will be fine and fall into place as they should, because life always has a funny way of working itself out.

However, the feeling of dread and vampires flying around in your stomach has you thinking differently.

If only someone would give you a crystal ball to see your future.

In the next two months of you seeing Andy professionally, a lot has happened.

Your Mother’s condition has taken a turn for the worst, both your sister and Father have been hounding you to spend time with them, your relationship with Mary has gotten rockier by the day, and Andy has become obsessed with spending as much time with you as possible.

Andy.

To say that you’ve developed feelings for him is a stretch, but you’ve definitely started feeling something towards him.

“Daddy, it’s gonna hurt,” you moaned as you looked up at Andy.

“Only for a little bit, Sweetheart. I promise that it’s gonna feel so good after a little bit,” he cooed softly.

“Why did you have to get one that’s so big?”

“So we can both pretend that it’s me fucking you,” he coaxed devilishly as he softly rubbed the head of the dildo against your clit “don’t you wanna make Daddy happy?”

“That’s not fair!” you pouted as Andy chuckled, and you could tell that he was doing all he could not to kiss you. “You promise to take it slow?”

“I won’t get aggressive until you tell me to.”

“I never tell you to,” you quickly defended.

“Sure you don’t, Sweetheart,” he laughed softly as he slowly pushed the head of the dildo into your pussy.

“Fuck!” you hissed at the pain new feeling of being stretched out. “Daddy!”

“I know, sweet girl, it’s okay,” he encouraged as he kept pushing it in further “just give it time.”

“Shit!” you moaned as the toy filled you, trying to stop the tears that were brimming in your eyes from spilling out. “Andy please!”

“I know, baby,” he urges gently as he starts to move it in and out of you slowly “just give it a minute,” he egged on before kissing your forehead.

You knew it was against the rules that you two set but, in that moment, you’re more than happy for the soft display of affection. In the short amount of time that you two had your little arrangement set up, Andy had done his best to figure out what you truly loved and what you tolerated. He knew when you were doing something to make him happy, and when you were doing something that you genuinely enjoyed and made you happy. That’s what got him off.

You slowly learned that Andy loved to please you. If you weren’t satisfied, he didn’t get off. He hated finishing before you did and he hated when finished yourself off instead of him.

“Fuck! Andy!” you moaned as the pain slowly started to turn into pleasure.

“Yeah? You like that, Sweetheart?” he groaned as he started to pick up his pace.

“Please...please don’t stop,” begged, your toes curling once he turned it on. “Fuck! It’s a fucking vibrator?!” you squealed as your back arched.

“You know I love to surprise you,” Andy chuckled as he started to pick up the pace. “You’re the best little slut I’ve ever had. Did you know that, Sweetheart?”

“No Daddy!” you whimpered as you tried to hold off on your release. “I just wanna make you happy!” you mindlessly confessed, too blissed out to mask your feelings.

“Yeah? You really like making me happy?”

“Yes! I love making you happy, Daddy! I love it when you’re satisfied!”

“Then cum for me,” he demanded hotly against the shell of your ear. “Cum for me right now, baby!”

“Shit!” you whimpered, gripping the sheets as you cum hard for him. “Fuck,” you sighed, trying to regulate your breathing.

“You know, I should be mad at you,” he said in a warning tone, still hovering over and looking you over. His pupils lust blown.

“Wh...what did I do?” you stuttered, your excitement quickly building again.

“You still won’t let me taste or fuck this perfect little pussy, you think that’s fair?”

“You know better, Daddy.”

“I still don’t fucking like it,” he muttered darkly, sitting up before turning off the vibrator and slowly pulling it out of you.

“Daddy!” you whined, not liking how empty you felt.

“You’re such a little brat, you know that?”

“Well, whose fault is that?” you snapped glaring at him.

“Oh, so you’re gonna get smart with me now? You clearly wannna get punished tonight,” he smirked with a dark chuckle. “You’re gonna suck this dildo clean, before sucking Daddy’s cock until I’m satisfied.”

“No, I’m sorry! I’ll be so good-”

“Too late, open up,” he demanded with a cocked brow.

That night, Andy kept you on your knees for over an hour and fucked your mouth until you were both too blissed out.

It’s not that you don’t want to fuck him, but taking that step will just make things too complicated and you know it. The only thing that makes you so sure are the fact that they’re nights when he doesn’t want sex at all. Yeah, he still wants you topless, but he mainly wants you to lay by him while he’s working on a case.

“So wait,” you sighed, sitting up, “what’s the issue? I’m missing something here.”

“You and me both, Baby,” he sighed, laying his head against the headboard.

“Isn’t it evident that the guy has a history of violence?”

“Yeah.”

“And it’s obvious that he was in location in question at the time of the assault, right?”

“He was in the area, but there’s nothing to pin him to being at the park at that time.”

“Well, there’s nothing to show that he wasn’t either. What did the victim say? She takes that route as a shortcut, but she only felt comfortable because of the amount of security cameras there?”

“Yeah, which is why I’m so fucking pissed that the trail keeps going cold whenever I think I’ve made a break in the case.”

“Okay, well, lets stop and think,” you propositioned as you leaned your head against the headboard. “The guy met her at the store, right? That’s how they got to talking?”

“Yeah?”

“Now, they both have said that he asked her out a few times, and each time she said no. I think it’s fairly clear that this guy became a little obsessed with her. I think he started stalking her and started following her patterns. If he’s as crazy as I believe he is, he probably noticed the cameras too. Noticed where they were and which ones worked and which ones didn’t.”

“They all work.”

“No they don’t. I know exactly what park she’s talking about and I know for a fact that some of those cameras are just for show. I got mugged there a few years ago. That park’s got dummy cameras, which makes no sense cause they could just fix the ones that don’t work, but whatever. Those are my tax dollars hard at work,” you muttered, rolling your eyes before grabbing your drink before taking a sip of it.

“Wait...what?”

“They have dummy camera’s in the park, Andy. They look like they work but they don’t, they keep them up anyway as a deterrent. But some of the cameras actually do work. The part of the park where she was attacked, they’re 2 dummy cameras there. I’m more than sure that one of those cameras at least got a shot of him.”

“Y/N, you’re a fucking genius, did you know that?” he beamed at you before practically bouncing off the bed, phone in hand, before dialing Lynne’s number.

When he saw you the next night, he gave you a silver chained necklace with a diamond red rose at the center of it.

“Andy,” you gasped, “you didn’t have to do this,” pressing your fingers to the necklace. “This is too much.”

“Thanks to you, little Miss, we were able to go over the footage from those dummy cameras and the case practically made itself,” he smirked as you both looked yourself over in the mirror. “It’s just my small way of saying thank you. You saved my ass.”

“It must have cost-”

“Don’t worry about the cost. Do you like it?”

“I love it.”

“Then keep it,” he smiled before pressing a soft kiss into your hair.

In those moments, you truly are at war with yourself over your feelings towards Andy. You’re not stupid. You know the arrangement and how he feels, but fuck all if he doesn’t make you feel like you’re the most important person in the world sometimes. The way he can be so gentle and soft with you. The look in his eyes when he’s simply checking on you or after he gives you an intense orgasm. The way he confides in you about work, Jacob, or Laurie. He has a way of blurring the lines, and while it makes you insanely frustrated and annoyed, you also don’t want him to stop.

That doesn’t mean that it’s always sunshine and rainbows between you two.

“Andy, you sound like a fucking idiot right now, stop it,” you griped as you got on the bed and laid down on it.

“You were the one all over-”

“All over?! Andy, your co-worker said hi to and hit on me, which I politely rejected. Why the fuck you’re so upset is beyond me, but it’s not my job to figure it out.”

“Exactly! Your job is to do whatever I pay you for, like a fucking slut is supposed-”

“A slut?!” you exclaimed as you sat up. “I’m the fucking slut, but you’re paying me just so you can fuck me with a fucking vibrator?! But I’m the slut?!”

“I may be the one paying, but you’re the one who’s more than happy to take the fucking money!”

“Fuck you!” you spat before getting off the bed and starting to get dressed. “Go find someone else to bitch to about Laurie! Or to whine to about the cases you can’t figure out! Go ahead! Go fucking do it! Go do it and see who genuinely gives a shit about you! Who genuinely gives a shit about seeing you happy!”

“Y/N-”

“GO!” you roared as you pulled your top on. “I’m fucking done! Literally everything is going wrong in my life! I don’t need your shit on top of it! Go pay someone else $10,000 to play mistress with!”

“Stop it-”

“I’m done!” you yelled before grabbing your things and storming out.

Andy left you alone for two days before he finally caved and text you.

Barber: I’m sorry.

Y/N: I fucking hate you.

Barber: No you don’t.

Y/N: How the fuck would you know?

Barber: Because you responded.

Y/N: Go bother someone else. I’m done. If I lose my job, I lose my fucking job.

Barber: I wouldn’t let Samantha fire you and you should know that by now.

Y/N: Well, you were all too willing to let her before.

Barber: Things change. It doesn’t matter. Just come in tomorrow, I’ll make it up to you.

Y/N: I don’t want to see you.

Barber: Y/N, just please.

Y/N: I’ll fucking think about it.

Of course, you caved and went the next day, but you went fully dressed and didn’t even bother to make him his drink

“I’m not even slightly surprised about this,” he scoffed humorlessly as he closed the door behind him.

“I don’t want to do this anymore,” you stated flatly, arms folded across your chest.

“Y/N-”

“No Andy. You’re far too comfortable with belittling me when you’re not happy about something in your own life. You don’t think I have shit going on that pisses me off? That frustrates me?”

“In my defense, I barely know anything about you.”

“Apparently, it’s better that way, cause you’ll probably use it against me.”

“You know I didn’t mean it.”

“You still said it!”

“I’m sorry, I’m truly sorry,” he sighed mournfully as he leaned against the wall. “You’re the one part of my life right now that doesn’t drive me crazy. No, I don’t like it when any of these other assholes talk to you, let alone look at you, because they don’t deserve to. I was already angry when I got here the other day, so when I saw Tyler talking to you, I lost my cool. You’re my girl-”

“No, I’m not Andy,” you sighed as you felt your eyes start to water. “I’m not anyone’s girl.”

“For 4 hours, you are my girl.”

“Andy...we should stop now.”

“Why? I like spending time with you and you like spending time with me.”

“We’re not dating, Andy. You pay me for sexual favors and that’s it. We’re not in love, we’re boyfriend and girlfriend, and we aren’t together.”

“There’s nothing wrong with two people enjoying each other’s company.”

“Tell that to Mary,” you scoffed, shifting your weight from one foot to another.

“What’s she upset about? We’re not fucking.”

“We’re just as good as!”

“Listen, you say you need this money, and if she’s your best friend, she should support it. Especially seeing as she’s the one who got you into all of this.”

“Don’t. That’s not fair Andy,” you warned, straightening up a bit. “That’s a low blow and you know it. Jesus, why do you want me to stay so bad?”

“Cause you’re not like the other girls, Y/N. I’m not saying that I want to get married, but I at least wanna be your friend. Your friend with benefits,” he smirked.

“That doesn’t seem like such a good idea for us either.”

“It’s not a bad one.”

“Then what happens when you decide you wanna stop?”

“Then we’re just friends,” he shrugged.

You were thoughtful before you spoke. “You can’t talk to me like that ever again, Andy. I mean it. Do it again and I’m done.”

“It’ll never happen again, I promise,” he stated sincerely, and you couldn’t help but believe him. All you did was nod before starting to pull your shirt up. “What are you doing?”

“What I’m supposed to?”

“I told you, I’m gonna make it up to you. I’m taking you out.”

“Wh..what? Taking me out where?”

“Have you eaten?”

“No.”

“Then this works out perfectly.”

“Andy, wherever you plan on taking me...I’m not dressed for it, no matter what outfit I’m wearing.”

“Guess it’s a good thing I’m taking somewhere that I’m sure you’ll love. Grab your stuff, lets go,” he smiled at you.

It’s not like you could ignore all the stares that were burning themselves into the both of your heads as you two walked out, but what could you do? At the end of the day, no matter what Andy said, you still had to do whatever he wanted. Sure, his words were sweet and nice enough, but they were still just words.

The car ride to wherever he was taking you was filled with awkward silence, while you tried to find a decent radio station, but nothing seemed right. However, happiness overwhelms you when he pulls up to O’Hara’s Food & Spirits.

“Who told you?!” you beamed as you looked out the window.

“Who told me what?” Andy chuckled, genuinely confused by the change in your demeanor.

“That this place means everything to me! This is one of my most...who told you?”

“No one? I just thought you’d like it,” he smiled sincerely.

That’s when your feelings for Andy truly started to change. O’Hara’s was special to you, because it had been a place you and your mom would go to once (maybe twice if the money was there) a month when you both just wanted a night out. It was just the both of you and you both had decided a stress free Mother/Daughter dinner was the best thing every once in a while.

When her sickness got worse, you had to stop, because she couldn’t physically handle it. Being parked in front of the restaurant brought back so many happy memories, that you couldn’t help but shed a few tears.

The fact that Andy had thought (on his own) that you’d like a place like that, meant more to you than you were ready to admit. The best you could do was lean over and kiss him on the cheek.

“You did great, Andy,” you smiled at him “I love this place.”

“You ready to eat?” Andy grinned at you sheepishly.

“Lets go.”

Almost as soon as you two made your way inside, waiters and waitresses were greeting you, happy to see you and asking about your Mother.

“Okay, you’ve gotta tell me something,” Andy pressed as the waiter walked away with the drink order.

“Tell you something about what?”

“Well, you kissed my cheek in the car, every server in here seems to be happy to see you, and they all keep asking about your mom,” he stated matter-of-factly. “At least give me something.”

You sighed heavily as the waiter dropped off your drink orders, before taking your meal orders and walking off. “I used to come here with my Mother after...after everything that had happened, we decided that Mother/Daughter dinners would be good. When we could afford it, it was nice for us to just have a night where we didn’t worry about drama, dishes, cooking, work...it was just us talking and talking having a nice time, and forgetting for a bit. When she first got sick, we still kept it up because we were hopeful. As she got sicker, I started placing orders for pick up. Then I stopped ordering all together because there were other things to take care of.”

“How is she now?”

You swirled your drink around in your glass before taking a sip. “I work at the Club for a reason.” Andy’s silence made you roll your eyes. “This is why I don’t talk about it,” you scoffed humorlessly as your food arrived. “Besides the fact that it sucks and I don’t wanna think about it, I don’t need or want anyone feeling sorry for me either. I’m not some pity side show.”

“It’s not pity, I just feel like an asshole.”

“That’s because you are an asshole,” you smirked as he let out a soft chuckle.

From that moment on, the conversation was more lax and flowed easily. You both made each other laugh, challenged each other mentally, and found yourselves getting lost in conversations that you wouldn’t have with anyone else.

You both just enjoyed one another.

In fact, you both enjoyed one another so much, that you lost track of time.

“Ya know, I can’t remember the last time I stayed at a restaurant till closing,” Andy scoffed as he pulled up to the club, next to your car.

“I can’t remember the last time I went to a restaurant,” you laughed. “Thank you for apologizing and thank you for tonight. It was nice. When you’re not being a complete piece of shit, you’re a lot of fun to be around,” you smirked.

“I’m working on it, I’m working on it,” he chuckled. “Thank you for forgiving me and coming out tonight.”

“Yeah yeah, Barber,” you smirked before opening the car door and getting out. “Goodnight Andy.”

“Goodnight, Sweetheart.”

From then on, there was a shift between you two and everyone noticed.

“So, how’s Andy?” Mary slurred into the phone as you rolled your eyes.

“Can we not do this tonight? I’m really not in the mood,” you sighed as you laid on your bed in your room.

“All I did was ask-”

“No, all you’re doing is starting another argument that I don’t have the energy for. Do you even realize what day it is? It’s a Thursday, Mary. It’s Thursday and I’m not working, because he text me and told me not to come in and that he’ll see me next week. Which means he’s currently fucking someone else. So, whatever you think is going on, clearly isn’t,” you snapped.

“You seem pretty fucking irritated by that,” she scoffed, followed by a hiccup.

“No,” you lied, “I’m irritated because I don’t know what the fuck you want from me! I told you that I’d call the whole thing off and you said no. I asked you again the next night and you said no because it’s good money and I need it. Now, every other call or text is about Andy, and it’s like you’re mad at me for being upfront with you! If I don’t tell you, you’re mad at me! So Mary, what the fuck would you like for me to do?! Please tell me what the fuck you want!”

“I want him to stop loving you!” she cried. “You don’t think I hear myself?! You think I want to be a bitch?! I know I’m being an asshole, but what the fuck do you have that I don’t?!”

“For the millionth time, he doesn’t fucking love me,” you sighed.

“You both may be too fucking stupid to see it, but I’m not! He’s different with you! The gifts he gets you, the fact that you’re his main girl, the fact that he actually cares when he makes you upset...he’s definitely-”

“He’s definitely not and you’re thinking too much of it. I’m tired of having this talk, Mary. You’re my best friend and I’ve literally done everything in my power to do right by you, and it’s not fucking enough. You told me about the fucking job, I told you when he propositioned me, and I tell you the truth when you ask me about seeing him. So I really don’t know what the fuck you want out of me anymore, but I’m done trying to figure it out. Talk to me when you’re done obsessing over him,” you huffed before quickly hanging up.

You knew you’d pissed her off, but you didn’t think you’d actually pissed her off to the point where she’d go too far. But then again, she was drunk.

“Uh Y/N,” Allison called as she awkwardly walked over to you. “There’s someone here to talk to you.”

“Can you ask them to come back? I’m already behind and I need to get ready.”

“Uh...she says she’s your sister,” she all but mumbled.

The last bit of patience that you had snapped. “What?”

“I know you and Mary got into a huge argument, but please don’t-”

“I’m gonna fucking kill her,” you growled before grabbing your bag and making your way to the entrance. “Outside,” was all you said before breezing past your sister. “What do you want?”

“So this is what you do? Instead of making peace with me and accepting my help? Dad’s help? You do this?!”

“Don’t paint yourself as some fucking God, Vivian,” you scoffed. “You both fucking left. I called you when she got sick and where were you?”

“That was then-”

“Where were you?! Not fucking here! So, I took on three fucking jobs so I could help pay for her medical expenses, because her job didn’t help with shit! The little bit of money dad bothered to leave before running off with his young bride keeps the lights on and the water running! When I put my pride aside and went to you for help, your fucking assistant kept saying you couldn’t be reached! When I text and called you, you never returned either of them! When she got worse, I tried reaching out to you again, because I was missing out on time with her, but once again, you couldn’t be bothered!”

“Y/N-”

“No! You don’t get to come here and judge me! Acting like you’re some fucking patron saint because you’ve come riding in on your white horse at the last possible fucking minute! Mary is the one who told me about this job. Did your new best friend even bother to tell you that?!” You practically screamed at her. Her silence told you everything you needed to know, as her eyes started to well with tears. “Oh, don’t fucking start crying me a river now, Viv. You don’t know the hell I’ve gone through trying to keep Mom as comfortable and happy as possible! Fucking waitressing here till closing, getting little to no sleep, spending as much time as possible with her as I can, just to have to leave again and come back here! So yes, when a nice man offered to pay me $10,000 just to fucking stand topless in his room and pour him drinks, you bet your ass I fucking took it! It’s not my fault that Mary is in love with him! Did she tell you that I told her I won’t take it? Or that I checked with her multiple times to make sure she’d be okay with it? That she’s the one who told me to take the money because it was good? No, she fucking didn’t! Everyone is so quick to fucking bitch me out and throw stones, but I’ve been busting my ass trying to figure this shit out and I’ve been doing it alone! So you can go straight to hell with your fucking judgment! You care so fucking much? No, you need to get rid of the fucking guilt you feel because you’re a piece of shit!”

“Y/N, please just-”

“Get the fuck out of here! We’re done here and my shift is about to start,” you boil before turning and walking away.

The minute you stormed back inside, both Allison and Lindsey were on your heels.

“Please calm down,” Lindsey begged, “just text Andy and tell him you can’t-”

“She fucking called my sister?!” you yelled as you aggressively pressed the ‘up’ button on the elevator. “She called my sister and of course bothered to leave out all the parts that would make her look like a piece of shit, right? Cause I’m such a greedy little bitch!”

“Wouldn’t get too comfortable in that suite, Honey,” Madison scoffed as the elevator doors finally opened. “The way Andy fucked me last week...looks like he’s about over you.”

You went to lunge at her but both Allison and Lindsey held you back.

“Fuck off Madison, or I’ll choke you to death myself,” Lindsey warned with a low growl that had Madison running in the opposite direction.

“Hun, please don’t-”

“Nope, I’m a fucking professional. I’m a horrible best friend, and a slut, but I’m also a professional and I will not call out last minute,” you scoffed. “Fuck, I forgot the the stupid drink!”

“I’ll get it,” Allison sighed, “just get up there. The last thing I need is for you to run into Madison and kill her. It’s not like she doesn’t deserve it, but still,” she mutters.

The minute you’re in the room, you pull out your phone and start typing furiously.

Y/N: We’re fucking done. You are dead to me. You told Vivian of ALL people?! I would’ve NEVER done something like that to you! I’ve always done my best to be the best friend I can be, I’ve always done my best to be there for you, and you pull this shit because you’ve decided Andy is in love with me?! I fucking told you I’d stop seeing him and YOU told me not to! So you can fuck right off and go to hell!

By the time Allison got to the room, you were furiously pacing.

“Y/N-”

“I really can’t talk about it right now, Allison. I love you to death, but I can’t do this and have this talk.”

“Just please don’t do anything you’ll regret out of anger. What Mary did was completely fucked, but don’t let it drive the choices you make tonight,” she pleaded softly before setting the tray down and walking out.

You let her words roll around as you got ready, but you couldn’t calm down. After you finished up in the bathroom, you filled your glass and started drinking. When Andy didn’t show up on time, you continued to drink.

By the time he got there, you were teeter-tottering between tipsy and drunk.

“You’re late,” you slurred, not getting up from the chair as you took a sip from your glass. The look on his face let you know that he was already pissed about something. “Uh oh, someone’s mad,” you giggled.

“I thought I told you I wanted you loose, not drunk,” he stated with an irritated sigh.

“Well, lets just add it on to the list of things I’m doing wrong today, cause it apparently is every fucking thing,” you shrugged before finishing off your drink and pouring yourself another. “Anyway, you’re late. Why are you late, Mr. Barber? The members of the jury are dying to know.”

“Laurie,” was all he said as he looked you over.

“Ah yes, the evil witch. Your wife.”

“Watch it,” he warned as he unbuttoned the sleeve buttons on his shirt and rolled them up.

“That’s right, I’m not allowed to use the ‘w’ word,” you scoffed. “Cause then we’re both reminded how bad we feel.”

“What the fuck is with you tonight?” he finally snapped.

“I got two hours of sleep, Andy. You wanna know why? Because my Mother had a really bad night and I was handling it, by my fucking self, like I do everything else in my life. Can’t do much because it’s hospice, so ya know, she’s just going to fucking die at home no matter what, ya know? But that’s fine. I’ve come to terms with that. So, I took care of her and got her to calm down, then I cried for about an hour before falling asleep. Woke up two hours later, made her some food, gave her medicine that helps her deal with the pain. I told Gloria, her wonderful nurse, about her episode last night, then left to come here. Ya know what happened when I fucking got here? I’ll tell you,” you smiled sarcastically before taking a sip of your drink. “My fucking cunt of a sister was here to berate me for working at this lovely little Gentlemen’s Club. Of course, it’s not like I didn’t try to ask for her help financially when our Mother was first diagnosed. She couldn’t be fucking bothered, because she was still hanging onto her misplaced anger about our father walking out, but now the both of them are coming in at the last fucking minute and I’m supposed to be fucking grateful. The fact that I open my legs for you makes her better than me,” you laughed humorlessly.

Andy’s demeanor softened, and you could see that he felt awful. “Baby-”

“Oh wait, it gets better!” you scoffed as you poured him a drink “C’mon, have a drink with me! We’re having fun!”

“Sweetheart-”

“Andy, you have to drink with me! I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet!” you encouraged, holding out the glass. Andy sighed but reluctantly took the glass and took a sip from it. “Thank you! Now, for the best part, you wanna know who told my sister I work here? No? That’s fine, it’s less climatic if you guess. It was Mary!” you beamed as Andy dropped his head in frustration. “Do you wanna know why she told her? Because she’s convinced that you’re in love with me! She called me last week, for what has to be the millionth fucking time, about it and I fucking snapped. So, in return, she ratted me out. Didn’t think the little bitch had it in her, but well fucking played,” you muttered before taking another sip of your drink.

“Sweetheart, please-”

“But I keep telling her you don’t love me, because you don’t. If you loved me, you wouldn’t only see me here, you wouldn’t pay me for my fucking company, and you wouldn’t have fucked Madison senseless last week, little cunt. Oh! That reminds me, since you fucked hers so good last week, she’s under the impression that you’re gonna put me out to pasture soon, so I guess I should really make our last few days together pretty fucking great.”

“Stop it, Sweetheart. Just stop it. Nothing is changing any time soon.”

“You paid me $10,000, but you were busy with her, so I guess I didn’t really earn the whole thing, did I? Should I give you back $5,000? $6,000? Wanna make sure I’m being fair about this whole thing.”

“You don’t have to give any of it back, baby. Please just-”

“Oh, hold that thought,” you interrupted as your phone started to ring and you got up to answer it. “I have a pretty good fucking idea who that could be!” you beamed as you made your way into the bedroom. “Mary! How did I fucking know?”

“Y/N, please just hear me out-”

“Oh, no tears! No tears cause guess what? Guess who’s here! Andy!” you beamed, making your way out of the room and back into the living area, putting your phone on speaker. “Say hi, Andy!”

“Sweetheart, don’t do this,” he begged softly.

“What do you mean? This is gonna be so much fucking fun! Cause you can finally tell Mary why you don’t love her! You can finally tell her what’s so fucking wrong that you just couldn’t love her back!”

“Stop it-”

“You don’t wanna say anything? That’s fine, cause I’ll say what I think! Ya know Mary, I think it’s just because you’re a selfish fucking bitch! I think it’s because you just care about your own selfish needs and wants, because it doesn’t seem to matter who you hurt in the process, just so long as you feel better about your fucking self!” you snapped.

“I’m so sorry, Y/N! I was just angry and I was drunk-”

“I was your best fucking friend you fucking snake! I’ve done nothing but go out of my fucking way for you time after time and this is how you look out for me?! This is how you tell me you love me?! You go to Vivian, of all fucking people, and you tell her?! After everything she fucking did?!”

“Please, just hear me out-”

“No, because there’s nothing you can fucking say that will justify the way you betrayed me! Even if Andy does love me, even if I have feelings for him, did you really think I would hurt you like that?! That I would try and have something with him even though it would hurt you?! Break your heart?! I’m not you!”

“Y/N-”

“You’re fucking dead to me, Mary. Don’t call me, don’t text me, don’t come the fucking funeral, don’t ask about me, just stay the fuck away!” you yelled before hanging up the phone and throwing it across the room.

“Sweetheart, take a deep breath,” Andy begged as he made his way towards you.

“I’m fine! Fan-fucking-tastic!”

“Stop it, just stop it,” he sighed as he tried to wrap his arms around you.

“You stop, because I’m fine. We’ll do exactly what you pay me for.”

“Y/N-”

“What Andy? What? You’re the reason she fucked me over, the least I can fucking do is actually let you fuck me. You pay me $10,000, so I may as well just let you fuck me, finally. She thinks we’re fucking all the time anyway, so lets just fucking do it!”

“Sweetheart,” he sighed heavily. “you should know better by now...just come here.”

“No! I’m fine!” you started to cry as you backed away from him. Andy said nothing as he kept coming towards you. “Stop it!” you yelled as you backed yourself into a wall, tears now streaming freely. When he finally wrapped his arms around you, you fought against him. “I don’t need your sympathy because I’m fine!” you yelled, trying to fight against him.

“Baby, you’re not fine. Just calm down,” he cooed, not breaking his hold as he gently stroked your back.

“I’m fine!” you repeated, finally giving in to him. “I’m fine,” you sobbed.

“Shh, it’s okay,” he cooed and you could hear the strain in his voice.

At some point he picked you up, carried you to the bed, and laid you down gently. When he went to walk away, you pulled him back to you.

“Don’t,” he warned softly.

“But I want to.”

“You’re drunk, Sweetheart.”

“So what? I still want to.”

“If you still want to when you’re sober, I’ll be more than happy to, but you need to lay down right now.”

“Andy-”

“Just rest, Sweetheart,” he told you gently, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead before walking away.

You were in and out of sleep that night, mainly because you just wanted to feel Andy. Even if it was just him holding you, you wanted him close. At some point, you woke up to him yelling at someone.

His tone was throwing you off, and you couldn’t tell if he was yelling at Mary or Laurie.

“How could you do that to her?! She’s supposed to be your best friend!”

Mary.

“It doesn’t fucking matter what you think of me!...See, this is part of the fucking problem! This is why I can’t fucking love you! You don’t think about the things you say or do! You don’t fucking hold yourself accountable for anything! You have your own ideas, try to force them on everyone, then get mad when things don’t go the way you think they should!...She was your best friend! Despite what happened between us, you had no right to railroad her life like that! On top of everything else, now she has to deal with this too?! ..Good! You should feel like shit!...I don’t wanna fucking hear it, Mary. I’m done with you...no, I fucking mean it this time. Don’t call or text this number again!”

You stared at the ceiling as you tried to keep your emotions at bay, but you now had a million more questions rolling around in your head. Had they been talking the whole time? Was he seeing her? Had he fucked her recently?

“You’re up,” Andy smiled softly.

“Water,” was all you responded with before sitting up, quickly realizing that you were still very drunk.

“I’ll get it for you,” he chuckled softly.

The question left your mouth before you could stop it. “Have you been seeing her the entire time?’

“Ah, so you heard that,” he sighed as he made his way back inside, putting the water down beside you. “I wasn’t seeing her. She text me about a week after we started this, and asked me why I chose you. I told her I liked you. I liked the way you carried yourself, I liked your smile, I liked your subtle way of rejecting men, I liked your laugh...I liked you. Of course, she didn’t like that and wanted me to break it off and I told her no. We argued and she hung up on me. A few days later, she text me and asked if we could have dinner and I told her I don’t think it would be a good idea, but she insisted, so I met her for dinner. We talked, she cried, and we came to the conclusion that I was going to keep seeing you. She tried to talk me into going back to her place with her, I said no, and she left. She’s been texting me on and off, I’m assuming when she’s drunk, but I haven’t been responding,” he finished, getting beside you. “How do you feel?”

“Drunk, angry, and hungry.”

“What do you want to eat?”

“You’re already taking care of me, please don’t feed me,” you muttered, taking a sip of water. “I’m sorry-”

“Don’t apologize for anything,” he quickly interrupted.

“I need to though, because that...that was bad.”

“You’ve been holding a lot in and you have a lot going on. That would’ve sent anyone over the edge because it was fucked up. I obviously don’t know the whole story, but she does. She had no right to do that to you.”

“Still...I had a fucking meltdown,” you groaned, laying your head on his shoulder as he laughed softly.

“Yeah, now I know how much to avoid your bad side.”

“As if you don’t already,” you chuckled softly. “Andy?”

“Hmm?”

“What are we doing?”

“Lets not get into that right now,” he sighed.

“Why not? We need to. I asked you if you love me and you couldn’t give me an answer.”

“Y/N-” ”Andy, was she right? Do you love me?”

“No,” he sighed “but I’d be lying if I said I don’t have feelings for you. Strong feelings for you which is why I told you just take those days to yourself, because I just needed to distance myself from you. I don’t want to stop but I can’t keep spending all my time with you, because if I do...”

“If you do, what?”

“I will fall in love with you and I don’t want that. I don’t wanna fall in love with anyone else ever again,” he mumbled before getting out of bed and making himself a drink.

“Then why don’t we just stop now?”

“Do you want to?”

“I don’t know what I want anymore,” you mumbled, just as frustrated as he was.

“Well, do you love me?”

“No, I don’t believe I do, but I do like you. I like you to the point that it pisses me off that you fucked Madison, of all people.”

“Yeah well, she’s fired anyway.”

“Andy! What did you do?!”

“She shouldn’t have said what she said to you,” he shrugged as he got back in next you.

“Andy, you can’t just have people fired because I don’t like them.”

“I can and I did.”

“For fucks sake,” you whined, getting close to him. “Andy, you’re gonna make everyone here hate me.”

“Then don’t work here anymore. You barely work here now.”

“Stop, don’t start that,” you quickly dismissed.

“I can take care of you.”

“I can take care of myself.”

“I’m well aware, but you don’t have to.”

“You just said you don’t want a relationship or to fall in love again. Don’t set me up just to hurt me.”

“Just because I don’t want those things doesn’t mean that I don’t care about you.”

“I’m fine as I am now.”

“No you’re not.”

“I don’t wanna argue about this.”

“Just...just think about it, okay?”

“No, because that means that I am yours and I don’t wanna be some ready made whore.”

“You wouldn’t be!”

“Yes, I would be. I basically am now, since you pay me to only see you while you get to see whoever you want.”

“If you’re that so hard on about it, you can see other guys,” he muttered and he didn’t do much to hide the irritation in his tone.

“You say that but you’re already pissed at the thought.”

“You’re right, lets not argue about this tonight,” he huffed. “What do you wanna eat?”

“Nothing.”

“Stop it. You need to eat.”

“I’m fine.”

“Jesus Y/N!”

“What Andy?! What?! We’re two idiots in like with each other and neither one of us wants to be. You don’t wanna stop and I don’t wanna stop, but we’re also trying to keep this as ‘just friends’. How fucking stupid are we?!” you exclaimed.

Andy sighed in defeat and hung his head. “I won’t take up so much of your time and I won’t get mad-”

“Yes you will, just like I’ll get upset when you sleep with other women. Lets not fucking lie to ourselves. I’m too drunk and too tired.”

“Then what do you propose we do?”

“Stop. I don’t like it and you don’t either, but I don’t see any other way.”

“So, I’m just supposed to watch every other guy flirt with you and be okay with it?”

“I’m supposed to watch other women sleep with you and be okay with it?”

“What will make you happy?”

“If you kiss me,” you stated softly.

“Don’t.”

“You asked me.”

“It goes against your rules.”

“I let you fuck me with a vibrator, I send you nudes, I blow you, I let you spit in my mouth, I send you videos...I’m pretty sure we’re way past my fucking rules.”

“I told you before, not while you’re-”

“I’m not asking you to fuck me, I’m asking you to kiss me. You asked me what will make me happy, and being kissed by you will make me happy.”

Andy was hesitant before he dipped down and kissed you softly. The kiss was soft and sweet, but it wasn’t enough for you. You pulled him closer and deepened it, sliding your tongue across his bottom lip.

In no time at all, you were straddling him and making out with him, grinding your hips against his as his hands travel up your bare back.

“We should stop,” Andy husked as you two broke apart. “We should stop before I can’t.”

“Just a little bit more please, Daddy?”

“You’re nothing but trouble when you’re drunk,” he chuckled darkly. “You know exactly what you do to me but you keep pushing.”

“If you really want me to stop, I’ll stop,” you told him honestly.

“Like I said earlier, baby. If you still want this when you’re sober, I’ll be more than happy to do whatever you want over and over again. Until then,”

“I’ll wait,” you whined as he chuckled.

“You’re so fucking sexy, did you know that?”

“You have said it a time or two.”

“Lay down, you. You need your rest.”

“I should be getting home soon-”

“I told Allison about tonight and she said she’ll go to your place and ask...Gloria? She’ll ask her to stay for the night.”

“How pissed was Allison?”

“She said she’ll talk to you about it tomorrow.”

“Fucking great,” you muttered, slowly getting off of him and settling yourself under the covers.

“Just sleep for now, Sweetheart,” Andy told you softly before pressing a kiss into your hair.

From that night on, you and Andy did your best to try and distance yourselves from one another. Andy still paid you the same, but let you go back to serving tables. It’s not as if you were happy about the return, because every guy thought they’d be able to take you upstairs. There was no one who believed you hadn’t slept with Andy, no matter what either of you said, but you were beyond caring. Nothing was getting better at home and you knew your days with were coming to an end.

It didn’t help that, with you going back to serving tables, Andy went back to sleeping with the other girls. On those nights, he made it a point to avoid you and you knew it was because he didn’t want to make you upset. However, you had both decided that, if were going to keep seeing each other as you were, you were both going to need to stop spending so much time together.

With that being said, Tuesdays and Fridays are your favorite days, because they’re the days you two reserve for each other.

“Fuck! Daddy, I love it when you eat my pussy!” you whimper, clawing at his back as you arch your own.

You caved about two weeks after “the incident” and decided that you two needed physical contact. No, he still hadn’t fucked you, but you two always found ways around that.

“Gonna cum for you so soon! Please!” you moan, your release building up.

Andy slides two fingers into your soaked pussy, while his tongue focuses all of its attention on your clit, his grip on your right thigh getting painfully tighter, only adding to your pleasure.

“Fuck!” you yell, cumming all over his fingers, tossing your head back as the relief of your release washes over you.

Andy fucks you with his fingers a little bit longer before removing his finger and holding them up for you to lick and suck clean, while he continued to clean up the mess between your legs.

“Made me wait so fucking long to taste this pussy,” he pants when he finally decides he’s finished.

“I’m so sorry, Daddy,” you moan as he kisses up your body, stopping to lick and suck on each of your nipples, before continuing a trail up to your lips, kissing you deeply. You run your hands through his hair, loving how obsessed he is with every inch of you, trying to bring him as close to you as possible.

“I missed you, Sweetheart,” he breathes hotly against your ear as one of his hands travels down between your legs. “Missed you so fucking much.”

“I missed you too! Shit!” you hiss, feeling yourself come to life for him again.

“Yeah? Did you let any of those assholes down there touch you?”

“N-no! No one can touch me besides you, Daddy!”

“Such a good little slut for me,” he groans as you start to stroke him. “Fuck baby!”

“Any of the other girls get you excited as I do?”

“You know they don’t, baby. They can’t even come close, fuck! Just like that!,” he moans into your neck before biting and sucking on the part of it that always makes you crazy for him.

“Andy! Andy please!” you beg, clawing down his back. “Fuck, I need it! Need to feel you, all of you!” you beg.

That has him stopping.

“Sweetheart...?”

“I’m ready, Andy. I need to feel you,” you pant sincerely.

“Baby, are you sure?”

“I want you, Andy. All of you,” you tell him as you cup his face.

“Get dressed, baby,” he tells you as he forces himself upright and gets off the bed.

“W-what?”

“Our first time, your first time, isn’t gonna be in some fucking whore house. I-”

“Watch it,” you warn, sitting up and searching for your panties.

“You know what I mean. This isn’t the place for something like that. This isn’t the place for us.”

“It’s where we met,” you counter before pulling your skirt on then grabbing your bra and putting it on.

“Stop arguing and follow me out,” he smirks before pinning you against the wall and kissing you deeply.

“I don’t wanna wait anymore, Andy,” you breathe once you two break apart.

“It’s gonna be worth it, I promise.”

You quickly finish getting dressed before Andy leaves and you follow behind a few minutes after.

“Is everything okay?” Lindsey asks as you step out of the elevator. “Andy seemed in a rush to get out of here.”

“Yeah no, everything is fine. We just...uh...”

“Oh,” she smirks. “Are you sure you’re ready for that?”

“if there’s anyone I trust for something like this, it’s Andy,” you confess, trying to hide your smile as your phone buzzes.

“I’m not trying to rain your parade, but you know that Mary won’t forgive you for this.”

“Well, I don’t forgive her so I don’t care.”

“She feels awful, Y/N.”

“Did she tell you that Andy called her that night and told her to never talk to her again?”

“Wait what?”

“Exactly, she doesn’t feel bad because she should. She feels bad because Andy won’t talk to her, and she think he’ll warm up to her if she makes nice to me. Linds, I’m not dumb. I know the whole place think we’re in love, but we’re not. We have an understanding. He does his own thing and I do mine. Of course, we both like each other, a lot, but he doesn’t want a relationship and I don’t want my heart broken. That’s why things are the way they are. We both have a clear understanding of what things are.”

“He fucks other girls but you don’t fuck other guys?”

“Because I don’t want to. I barely wanted to fuck Andy before I got to know him,” you scoff.

“Just be careful, babe. Be careful and have fun,” she smiles at you.

You give her big hug before practically running out of the building and to your car. You check your phone to see that Andy’s sent you to the address to the place he wants you to meet him at and you can’t help but feel relief that it’s not his house.

You’d dropped him off a time or two when he’d been too drunk to get himself home (too upset with Laurie and some of the choices he’d made), and even that always made you terrified. Yeah, Andy swears he’s in open marriage but, somewhere in the back of your mind, you’re never sure if you can truly believe that. People will say anything to get what they want.

Your phone buzzes again while you’re at a stop light and the smile on your face quickly falls away when you see who it’s from.

Twin Flame: Please talk to me. I’m so fucking sorry and, if you could just hear me out, I really think we can work this out. Please, I miss you.

Y/N: Fuck off.

When you finally reach your destination, those damn butterflies appear all over again. You feel strange and you don’t know why. It’s not like you and Andy been physical (what feels like ) a million times before, so why does this have you so nervous?

You jump as your phone goes off, forcing you out of your thoughts.

“Where are you?” Andy asks as soon as you answer.

“In the parking lot.”

“Then why don’t I see you?”

“Where are you?” you chuckle, making your way to the entrance of the lavish hotel.

“In the lobby,” he responds and you can hear the smirk in his voice.

“You’re such a smart ass,” you scoff.

“And you’re slow. Get your gorgeous ass in here,” he chides before hanging up.

You quickly make your way inside and the moment Andy spots you, he makes his way over to you and kisses you deeply, clearly not caring about the lobby full of people.

“Andy,” you breathe softly with a small chuckle as you two break away “someone could see.”

“So what? Who cares?”

“You will when we’re done.”

Andy opens his mouth to say something, but stops short and chuckles instead. “Lets get to our room, huh?”

You don’t miss the way the older receptionist looks at you with pure disgust, and you can’t blame her. Andy is older and wearing a wedding ring, and you? Well, your outfit isn’t in the least bit modest, no wedding ring, and you don’t look old enough to be the wife who lost your ring.

“Is there a problem?” Andy asks, noticing how uncomfortable you are.

“No problem at all, Mr. Barber,” the woman quickly smiles as she hands him the room key.

“Leave her alone, Andy,” you mutter, knowing the he’ll have no issue with seeing to it that she gets fired.

Andy looks from you to the woman before nodding. “Thank you,” is all he says before taking your hand and walking off.

“What was that about?” you ask as soon as you two are in the elevator.

“I didn’t like how she was looking at you, and I didn’t like how uncomfortable you were.”

“Andy, it’s not like we’re a couple. There’s a wedding ring on your finger and there isn’t one on mine. I don’t blame her,” you shrug.

“Stop that.”

“Stop what? Telling the truth?”

“Sweetheart, we don’t say it, but we know this is more than just some arrangement at this point. What I decide to do with my time away from Laurie isn’t anyone’s concern. When I’m with you, you’re my main concern.”

“I’m sure you say that to all the girls,” you chuckle humorlessly.

“Let me fix that; no matter what I do with anyone else, you’re my main concern,” he corrects with a stern voice as his intense gaze softens on you.

“Andy-”

“You know you mean so much to me. Too much to me. Stop saying you’re some mistress, because we both know you aren’t,” he states as the elevator finally reaches the top floor.

“As long as you’re married-”

“Jacob graduates soon, and when he does, my marriage is over. That’s what Laurie wanted, so that’s what she’s getting.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I want nothing more.”

“Then what happens?”

“With what?”

“Oh, don’t play coy now,” you smirk as you two reach the hotel room.

“I’m not going to lie and say I’ll want a relationship, because I’m still not there. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be, but I know how I feel about you. I know that I won’t want to stop seeing you, and I hope you won’t want to stop seeing me,” he sighs as he leans against the door. “I know I’m a wreck, Y/N. I never told you I wasn’t, but you...there’s just something about you and I can’t let you go. I don’t want to. I like having you to myself, the way you look at me when you’re fighting the urge to kiss me, the way you roll your eyes when you’re fed up but trying to be polite. I like how loyal you are, how strong and independent you are, how generous you are, how feisty you are...I like you, Y/N. I like you a lot. I don’t do things like this. You see how I do things. I take what I want and I leave. I don’t care how anyone else feels as long as I get my way, but with you...God, I just wanna make you happy.”

“Why Andy? Why me?”

“I really wish I knew, Sweetheart,” he chuckles humorlessly “then maybe I could finally figure out how to be a better man and let you go. However,” he sighs softly leaning in close and wrapping an arm your waist “I’m just not there yet and I don’t want to let you go. If you want to stop right now, I’ll understand and we won’t go a step further,” he promises quietly and sincerely, his gaze burning a hole into your soul.

“Andy...”

“I didn’t think things would get this far, Y/N. I didn’t mean for things to and I didn’t want them to. You’re the smarter of the two of us, because you keep saying that we should stop, but the thought of any of those assholes other knowing you the way I do or touching you the way I do...I’m a selfish man, Y/N. You know that.”

“What do you want me to say?” you practically beg as your desire for every part of him grows.

His heart, his mind, his soul, his body...all of him.

“I want you to tell me the truth.”

“I don’t want you to quit me and I don’t want to quit you,” you confess mindlessly, too lost in his words and your feelings to guard your heart.

He forces you to face forward before pressing his card against the door, “then lets get lost in each other tonight. Tomorrow can worry about itself,” he promises before opening the door and leading you inside the suite.

You can’t stop the gasp that escapes your lips.

“Baby-”

“It’s your real first time and our first time together. I wanted it to be special,” he chuckles softly before kissing the shell of your ear.

“You didn’t have to do all of this,” you marvel as you look around the room.

They’re black and deep red rose petals scattered around the room, champagne and your favorite wine, small candles lighting up the room, and one of your favorite songs is playing on the little speaker set up in the corner for you.

“Andy...this must have cost-”

“Don’t worry about the cost. Besides, the hotel owner owes me a few favors.”

“How many people owe you favors, Andy?”

“Do you like the things I get you? The things I do for you?”

“Yes but-”

“Then don’t worry about it, Darlin’,” you whispers into your ear as he wraps his arms around you and pulls you close to him. “Are you sure you want this?”

“No,” you chuckle softly, “but not being with you...not being with you completely...I don’t like it, Andy. I know that we’re not together, but I want as much of you as I can have. I know this is a bad idea, but I just...you make me happy. When you’re not being an asshole,” you laugh softly as he chuckles. “You make me so happy and I just wanna live in that happiness for a bit. None of this is ideal, or how I pictured it in my head a million times, but I’m with you. I’m with you and that’s all that matters.”

Andy starts to trail kisses down your neck to your shoulder and you’re embarrassed by how excited you are by the simple gesture. It’s not something he hasn’t done before, but everything feels different. You two have been more vulnerable and honest with each other in this moment than you have been the entire time you’ve been seeing each other.

“Andy...does this mean as much to you as it does to me?” You question desperately as you lull your head back onto his shoulder.

“Maybe more,” he husks as he unzips your skirt. “The way I feel for you...it terrifies me, Sweetheart,” he confesses as he slides his hand down your panties. “But I just can’t fucking quit you, because you’re so fucking perfect. Perfect for me,” he groans, starting to rub your clit.

“Andy,” you moan, your back arching a bit at the pleasure he’s making you feel.

“I want tonight to be perfect for you, because you’re always so fucking perfect for me. I just wanna make you happy, baby.”

He turns you around and kisses you deeply, as you get to work on getting the button and zipper on his pants open before forcing his pants down. He slowly walks you both over to the bed, never breaking the kiss, as his hands slide underneath your shirt and unhook your bra.

“Andy,” you moan as he trails kisses down to your shoulder again, “I need you, please.”

“Soon baby, I promise,” he moans, getting on his knees as you lift up your shirt. “Just wanna taste you a little bit more. The fucking sounds you make...fuck,” he groans, pulling your panties down. “I’m gonna make you feel so good tonight, baby.”

Andy’s tongue is on your clit before you have a chance to respond, and it makes you mindlessly numb. You use one hand to grip the bed as the other grips his hair. You can’t stop yourself from pulling him impossibly closer as you start to grind yourself against him, needing more of him as you always do.

“You’re so fucking good to me, baby, so fucking good,” you whimper as you feel yourself coming undone.

Andy slides two fingers into your aching cunt, and without even moving within you, it’s more than enough to send you over the edge. You can’t tell if it’s because you’ve been dreaming of having him to yourself just like this for the past month, or if it’s because you’re so excited to finally have him away from everyone and truly all to yourself. Your need for him is stronger than ever.

“Fuck, you’re so needy tonight, baby,” he huffs once he finishes cleaning you up.

“I’m sorry-”

“Don’t you fucking dare apologize, I fucking love it,” he smiles devilishly. “Get on the bed for me, Sweetheart,” he instructs, “get on the bed and take your shirt off,” he demands softly before removing his own.

As you settle into the center of the bed, the reality of what’s about to happen hits you hard. You’re very aware of how naked you are as Andy kisses up your body. Your brain is telling you to call it off and to run for the door.

“Hey, be here with me,” he coos softly as he cups your face in his hands. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

“I do want to, so bad, I just...is this a bad idea?”

“Probably,” he chuckles humorlessly, “but I don’t care. I’m self destructive anyway. I just wanna be with you, Y/N. I don’t know what’s gonna happen tomorrow and I don’t wanna think about it. All I know is that, right now, I have you to myself. There’s no pretending, no lying, you’re not working, and I’m not trying to forget about shit that still hurts. It’s just us, Sweetheart. If you don’t want to do this, I’m perfectly fine with that. I’m happy to just be here with you and hold you. I’m just happy just to have you to myself for a little while,” he states sincerely, his loving gaze cast on you.

You cup his face and pull him close before kissing him deeply. “Show me how happy you are to be with me, then,” you tell him softly once you two break away.

Andy dips down and kisses you again while slowly pushing himself inside of you. You hiss a little as you try to get used to his size. Yeah, he’s fucked you with toys that are almost his size, but none of them are exact.

Or real.

“Jesus,” he husks as he bottoms out, “you feel better than I ever imagined,” he moans as he starts to move within you slowly.

“Andy,” you moan softly as you start to move your hips with his, gipping him tight. “God, yes!”

“Shit, just like that baby. You’re so fucking good for me,” he praises as he starts to pick up his pace. Using one hand, he pushes himself up a little and gazes down at you, never breaking his stroke. “You’re so fucking beautiful, did you know that?”

“Baby please,” you whine, unable to handle the heat of his gaze and your excitement starting to build as you pull him close to you, needing to feel as much of him as possible. “I need to feel you!”

“I’ve thought about having you just like this for so long,” he grunts, his hand sliding between the both of you. “All mine, below me, and desperate,” he grunts he starts playing with your most sensitive bud. “Desperate for only me.”

“Fuck!”

“And I’m gonna give you everything you want,” he promises hotly against your ear before biting the shell of it.

“Andy...you’re so fucking good to me! Please, I’m so fucking close!”

As his pace quickens, he starts to bite and suck on the part of your neck that drives you insane, and you’re more than sure he plans on leaving a mark.

“Fuck!” you cry out, your nails digging into his back as you cum hard.

“There’s my good girl,” he smirks down at you before flipping you both so you’re on top. “I wanna watch you get yourself off on my cock.”

“Andy I-”

“I’ll guide you, baby. Don’t worry,” he encourages as he places his hands on your hips and gently starts to guide you. You bite your bottom lip, suppressing a moan as you place your hands on his chest and slowly start to grind your hips against his. “Fuck, just like that, Sweetheart,” he groans.

His gaze on you is intense and you feel like, just for a moment, you two are the only two in the world. You belong to one another, even if it’s only for a little while.

“Shit, you stretch me so fucking good, Andy!” you whimper as you start to pick up your pace.

“Yeah baby? You like the way I fuck this tight little pussy?”

“I fucking love the way you fuck me! I love the way you pull me apart for your own pleasure!”

“Jesus, Y/N! Keep it up and I’m gonna cum!” he warns with a deep growl as his hands travel your up your body, stopping at your breasts, starting to massage them.

“Fuck, that’s what I want, baby! Cum deep inside this pussy! I wanna feel you! Need it!”

“Shit!” he growls, kneading your nipples between his fingers. “The way this fucking cunt is squeezing me...shit!”

“Please baby!”

“Fuck!”

As his seed spills into you, his name leaves your lips like a silent prayer as you get lost in your euphoric pleasure. It’s not the first time Andy’s given you an orgasm, but it’s never been like this. Your whole body feels as if it’s been blown apart and put back together in the most pleasurable way. The fact that you don’t want the feeling to leave you has you terrified, because you’re now aware just how much you truly care for Andy.

“We’re...we’re done, right? This is all you wanted from me?” you question, the words breaking your own heart as you look down and meet his gaze.

You seen the pain in his eyes for a split second before he masks it and a sly smirk comes to his face. “Oh Sweetheart, we’re just getting started.”

Andy fucks you in every part of the hotel room he can, only stopping when you tell him that you need to get home. He’s reluctant to let you go, but he quietly watches you get dressed as he drinks a glass of wine while laying in bed.

You go to leave before turning to face him. Against your better judgment, you walk over to him and kiss him deeply. When you takes your face in his hands he runs his fingers through your hair. For a split moment, you contemplate staying.

But you know that’ll make everything that much more worse and complicated.

“Thank you for tonight. Everything was perfect,” you breathe against his lips as you two break apart.

“I don’t want you to leave.”

“I know baby, but we both know I have to. For multiple reasons.”

“We can meet here on Tuesday.”

“Andy-”

“It’s not like you want anyone knowing that you’re not a virgin anymore, and I don’t want to share you with those other assholes.”

“I share you with half the club.”

“Y/N-”

“See, this is why I need to go. Tonight was perfect and lets just leave it at that.”

“Don’t leave mad.”

“I’m not mad, Andy. I’m just back in touch with reality. I’ve gotta go, babe,” you sigh before kissing his lips and walking away.

The entire drive back to your house, you’re at war with yourself over the choice you made. Andy isn’t yours and you’re more than sure that he’ll never be. However, you can’t find yourself regretting the choice you’ve made because you were with Andy, and despite everything, there’s no one else you trust more.

“You seem to be coming home later these days,” your mother coughs as walk into the living area.

“Work is something else, what can I say?” you sigh, sitting down beside her bed.

“That or you finally met someone,” she smiles softly.

“I met someone I can never be with, so please don’t get excited,” you scoff.

“Why not?”

“It’s complicated.”

“My brain may not work as well as it used to, but it’s still got some juice.”

“Don’t worry about it, mom. I’ll get over it.”

“Listen, you and I both know I don’t have much time left-”

“Mom-”

“Just listen to me, babygirl. We both know I don’t have much time left and I just don’t want you to be alone. Mary came by today and told me you two had a falling out that was her fault. You won’t talk to your sister or father and now you’re falling for a guy. I just want you to be okay when I’m gone. I know you’re strong and can make it on your own, but that doesn’t mean you have to be,” she says softly.

“Lets just watch the movie, Ma,” you smile as a single tear escapes from your eye. “This is the best part.”

As you both slowly fall asleep, your brain is at war with your heart. Andy means more to you than you ever wanted him to, and you find little solace in the fact that he feels the same. He can get rid of you at any time and then what? Why did you let it get this far?

As these thoughts and more run through your head, you fall asleep hoping that there may be a silver lining for you somewhere...and that it’ll show itself soon.

Andy’s P.OV.

“Who is she?!” Laurie yells for what feels like the hundredth time, as she follows me into the bedroom.

“She’s someone who is none of your concern. Why were you going through my phone?”

“It kept going off!”

“That doesn’t explain why you went through it, Laurie.”

“I went to answer it and when I grabbed it, it stopping ringing. I saw the name ‘Angel’ in your texts and I got curious-”

“So decided to make yourself upset and go through my shit and now you’re mad at me? Mad at me for doing the same thing you’re doing?”

“Is she where all of the money is going?”

“Lower your voice, Jacob is home,” I warn as I take off my tie. “I don’t owe you an explanation, Laurie. This is the set up you wanted and in 2 months, we won’t even be married. So drop it.”

“No! I’ve been trying for months to try and fix the mess I made-”

“Exactly! The mess you made! What did I do when I found in bed with James? I fucking tried to make it work! I loved you! I loved you and I took responsibility for everything that happened, and you didn’t want me! You didn’t want our life anymore! Now, you’re getting what you want and you’re still not happy!”

“I thought this is what I wanted! I fucked up, Andy and I’m sorry!”

“You know what makes this all that much worse? This woman that you find yourself hating, for absolutely no reason, is fucking amazing! She’s amazing and I want to love her and commit, but I fucking can’t because of you!”

“Doesn’t that mean there’s still a chance for us?”

“You’re not understanding me!” I snap, no longer giving a damn that Jacob can hear us and finally hear about whats been going on for the last few years. “It’s not because I still love you, it’s because you fucking ruined me! Jesus, do you think of anyone but yourself? Honestly, do you even care that you fucking crushed my heart?”

“Andy, if you could just-”

“I need to go for a drive,” I huff, pulling out of her hold.

“Please just stay and talk to me.”

“I can’t Laurie. Not right now. I just fucking can’t,” I sigh before slamming the door shut and walking out.

“Is everything alright?” Jacob asks as soon as I reach the landing.

“No, no they aren’t. In fact, they’re far from all right.”

“Dad, what’s-”

“We’ll talk about it when I get back,” I mutter as I hear Laurie starting to cry.

“Dad...is this my fault? Did I-”

“You did nothing wrong,” I smile sincerely before pulling him in for a tight hug, “things just change. People change.”

“Are you coming home early tonight?”

“I’ll back in a couple hours, bud. We can watch a movie or play chess. I still have to kick your ass from the last time,” I chuckle softly and Jacob laughs too. “No matter what, everything’s gonna be fine, okay? I don’t want you worrying about us when you’re so close to finally getting out of this hell hole.”

“Dad are you-”

“Everything’s fine. Don’t worry,” I promise as I clear my throat, taking a look at the grown man that once used to beg Laurie and I to stay up with him for 5 more minutes to watch cartoons.

Things really do change.

“I’ll be back in a little, bud,” I smile before patting his shoulder and walking out.

The minute I get in my car I pull out my phone and text you because, if I’m being honest with myself, you’re the reason for my outburst. It’s been two weeks since we fucked and you refuse to meet at the hotel. It’s not like I can say you’re in the wrong, because we did fuck up.

I fucked up.

I knew better than to give in to what I want, but everything about is all consuming. It’s not even just the sex. For a moment in time, we can pretend. We can pretend and it’s just us. You make every part of me come to life, and if I could, I’d spend every moment of ever day with you.

It’s never lost on me that I wouldn’t have even met you if you didn’t want to take care of your mother. Who the fuck does that? Who the hell is that selfless?

Andy: Is there any way that I can see you tonight?

Angel: Andy, it’s Saturday. You know I can’t.

Andy: Well when?

Angel: You see me Tuesday-Friday.

Andy: Is there no way you can see me tonight? Even for just five minutes?

Angel: Baby, what’s wrong?

Andy: What isn’t wrong.

Angel: Andy.

Andy: Laurie went through my phone.

Angel: Fuck.

Andy: Yeah, she’s pretty pissed and it led to a big argument. I said some things...I said them out of anger I shouldn’t have. I just need to see you.

Angel: Things aren’t going well today. I can give you 10 minutes at most.

Andy: That’s more than enough time.

Angel: Meet me by the water front?

Andy: I’ll see you there

Here I go again, asking too much of you, and here you are not making a fuss. Why can’t I just let go? Why can’t I just give myself to you, the way you deserve? It’s not like I don’t think about it every second of every day. I can barely even fuck the other girls, because I know it hurts you, even without you saying anything.

It’s not fair of me to ask you to only be with me while I fuck away my feelings, but I just can’t bear the thought of you being with someone else. I see it every time you look at me. The things you want to say but won’t, the longing, the hate, the passion, the begging, the desire, the pain...I see all of it.

I see all of it because I feel all of the same things. I feel it all and it makes me feel like shit.

So what do I do? I offer you all of the things you could care less about, because it’s easier to do that than give you my heart and soul. It’s easier to guard myself than to try again.

If your Mother wasn’t sick, you wouldn’t care about money. You don’t care about jewelry, you don’t care about flowers, and you don’t care about sweet nothings because it’s hard for you to believe what anyone says.

However, all of it is coming from me. The sweet words, the flowers, the jewelry...if it wasn’t from me, it wouldn’t matter at all to you. You tell me all the time about how I have nothing to worry about because none of the guys who try to buy attention have anything to offer, but I know it’s different with me. It’s not-

“What happened?” you ask as you tap on the driver’s window.

It takes me a split second before opening the door, pulling you in and onto my lap, and closing it again. “Why can’t we just live together?”

“Baby, what’s wrong?”

“She knows and I can’t just make her leave, no much how I want her to.”

“I thought you were going to give her the house.”

“It doesn’t matter,” I sigh, resting my head in your shoulder as you adjust yourself on my lap. “Why can’t we just stay this way forever?” I sigh before kissing your neck. “Lets just leave right now-”

“Please don’t, Andy,” you moan, your grip on my thigh tightening a little.

God, I love the things you do to me.

“Lets meet at the hotel on Tuesday,” I press, kissing down your neck as my hand travels between your leg. “I need you.”

“Andy-”

“Sweetheart...I know. I know and I’m sorry, but I need you. Every part of you and I need you to myself.”

“Will it make you happy?” you ask innocently as your hand caresses my arm.

Why do I have to be such an asshole? “Anytime I get to spend with you makes me happy, Sweetheart. You know this.”

“I know, but will it make you feel better?”

“Only if you want to.”

“You know it’s not a matter of me not wanting to,” you sigh and the heaviness in your tone matches the heaviness in my heart. “It’s because we are what we are.”

“Yeah, that’s my fault too. Fuck, I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry,” I grumble into your shoulder.

I really wish I could tell you just how much I care for you. Care about you. I want to make you the center of my universe and take care of you until my last breath leaves my body.

I wanna tell you that I love you and that I always will.

But I can’t.

“Don’t apologize because it’s not like I’m any better. I’m still here, aren’t I? I’m still desperate to make you happy. I’m just as dumb as you are. I have to go though, baby.”

“It’s been 10 minutes already?”

“It’s been 15,” you scoff. “I’ll meet you at the hotel on Tuesday, okay?”

“You sure?”

“Yeah baby, I gotta go,” you sigh before kissing me.

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t help it. I pull you closer and deepen it, not ready to let you go yet.

It’s never been lost on me just how truly selfish I am.

For just a moment, you let me explore you as we both get lost it each other. Just like we always do. Once I start tugging at the hem of your shorts, you force yourself to break away, and it’s just as painful as when you leave me.

“Tuesday baby, I gotta go,” you breathe, your grip on me still tight as you try and calm down.

“Please wear these shorts.”

“I promise I will,” you chuckle softly before kissing my cheek one final time and opening the car door and getting out.

As I watch you start your car and drive away, i can’t help but try and think of the last time I was ever this excited to see someone and make plans to see them again, but not a single time comes to mind.

What are you doing to me?

**

“Fuck! Andy! Just like that, please don’t stop!” you moan as Andy fucks you senseless from behind.

The moment you walked through the door, Andy was all over you. It caught you off guard, because you’re never sure of his feelings for you. Sure, you believe he cares about you to an extent, but it’s still an arrangement. He pays you, he fucks you, then goes home to his wife. It would be easier to believe some of the things he says if things felt like they were changing even a little. You wanna let yourself fall for him, but he’s just too much of a risk.

Yet, here you are on your hands and knees for the man you can’t get out of your head, or heart.

“Fuck, you’re such a good girl for me, baby! You take me so well,” he grunts, his grip on your hips getting tighter. “I missed you so much, baby! Missed the way you explode for me, the sounds you make, this tight little cunt...I missed everything about you!”

“Jesus, that’s it!” you cry out as he finds the spot deep within you that makes you come undone for him. “I missed you too, Andy! So much!” you confess, the pleasure once again becoming mind numbing and you forget to keep your guard up. “Thought about nothing but being with you tonight since the last time I saw you!”

“Yeah? You love seeing me, Angel?” he taunts as one of his hands travels down between your legs and starts to teasingly rub your swollen clit.

“Ye-yes, Andy! Fuck! I’m so fucking close, baby! Please...shit!”

“I love the way you come apart for me,” he husks as his movements start to become erratic and you know he’s close. “Fuck, I love you, Y/N!” he accidentally confesses as he spills his seed into you.

You don’t even have time to think on it, because his release sets off your own, while mindlessly clawing at the bed, trying to keep yourself upright. That’s the third earth shattering orgasm hes given you, and you’re not about to complain about it.

You want nothing more than to focus on all the pleasure you’re feeling, but you can’t because he said it.

He said it and you’re not sure what to think at all.

“Sweetheart,” Andy grunts as he pulls out of you and pulls you out of your thoughts “say something.”

“W-why...why did you say that?”

“I’m sorry. I’m so fucking-”

“Andy, why would you say that? What is wrong with you?”

“Baby, if you just let me-”

“Is this a game to you? Why would you say something you don’t mean? You can’t mean?

“Y/N, please just listen to me. I just-” he starts but is interrupted by your phone ringing for the millionth time.

“Fuck,” you sigh, crawling over to the nightstand and grabbing it. “Hello?”

“I need you to come home,” Gloria, your mother’s nurse, states frantically.

“What happened? Is she okay?” you ask, slowly starting to panic yourself as you start to get dressed.

“She just keeps crying and screaming for you to come home. I can’t calm her down.”

“I’ll be there in 20,” you promise before hanging up.

“What’s wrong? How can I help?”

“I just need to get home, now. I can’t...I have to go,” you sob as you finish getting dressed.

“Sweetheart, please just-”

“You can’t call me that anymore, Andy. I can’t talk about this right now...there’s just too much...I gotta go,” you explain before practically running out.

The entire time you’re driving home, you try to put everything that happened with Andy out of your mind, because you can’t deal with that and with whatever is going on with your mother at the same time. By the time you get home, you’re mother is in full on hysterics and it takes both you and Gloria the rest of the night to calm her down. By the time you two calm her down and get her to sleep, you can tell her energy is all but gone from the episode.

“I think you should spend the next few days home, Honey,” Gloria states solemnly as you two stand in the doorway.

“Yeah...I think so too,” you sob softly.

“She just wants your company. We all know it won’t be long now and I think she’s just scared. She’s scared to leave you.”

“I’m scared for her to leave me,” you cry softly.

“It’s gonna be okay,” Gloria whispers as she wraps you in a tight hug “just make the best of the next few days.”

So, you do just that. You ask your sister and father to come over (at your Mother’s request), but stay in your room the entire time they’re there. You called Samantha and let her know that you’re taking the next few weeks off, and all she does is offer apologies about everything. Lindsey and Allison come by later in the week to spend time with you and your Mother, and you can’t remember the last time you saw her smile and laugh so much.

Andy keeps texting you and can’t find the energy or courage to respond. It’s been three days since the ‘I love you’ incident, and while you feel bad about ignoring him, you’re heart just can’t handle having that talk at the moment.

You can’t handle him telling you that it was an accident and he didn’t mean it.

However, you don’t find yourself all that surprised when he shows up at your doorstep on Saturday.

“How did you even find my house?” you ask softly, stepping outside and leaving the door cracked.

“Samantha,” he says simply and you know he isn’t proud of himself.

“Andy, I can’t do this right now. You can’t be here.”

“I know you have a lot going on, but the way you left that night...I never wanted to hurt or make you upset. You deserve-”

“Andy, I really can’t handle this right now. I need some time and I’ll text you in a few-”

“Sweet Pea, who’s at the door?” your Mother calls weakly from the living area.

“It’s no one, Ma.”

“If it were no one you wouldn’t be out there so long,” she teases with a small laugh. “Let them in, maybe they can help us solve the mystery to the end of ‘Grease.”

“He really can’t-”

“He? Oh, now you’ve gotta let him in!”

“Fucking great,” you mutter stepping aside. “c’mon in.”

“I don’t want to make things worse.”

“Yeah, it’s a little too late for that,” you smile sarcastically.

You don’t miss the gasp that escapes your Mother’s lips when Andy walks in, charming smile on his face. “Andy Barber, I didn’t know you knew my daughter!” she beams and you can’t help but chuckle.

Even on her deathbed, your Mother is still the most adorable proud Mother in the world.

“I met her in the grocery store one night, I shop when I can’t sleep, and we just hit it off. She’s been a really good friend to me ever since,” he smiles sincerely at your Mother and it’s hard for you not to smile at her genuine happiness.

If only you could tell her the truth.

“Well, Mr. Barber, if you-”

“Please call me Andy.”

“Andy, if you have time, I’d really like for you to join us. Besides, I’m sure Y/N could use more other company than me.”

“Ma,” you groan as Andy laughs softly.

“I’d love to spend some time with the both of you,” he smiles sheepishly at the both of you.

You hate the little flutter that happens in your heart.

“Are you sure no one will mind me trapping you here with us?” your Mother questions, and you chuckle as you shake your head, knowing what she’s getting at.

“Nah, Jacob is off with his girlfriend then staying over a friend’s house,” he scoffs.

“And your wife?” she questions, eyeing the gold band on his ring finger.

“That’s uh,” he answers awkwardly, shifting his weight to his other foot “that’s over with. This is just for show until the end of next month,” he finishes softly, before looking at you with all sincerity.

“Then, by all means, make yourself comfortable,” your Mother grins looking from you to him.

“Does anyone want anything to drink?” you question, raising an eyebrow as you kick your slippers off.

“Can I have more ice chips?” your Mother questions with a slight cough.

“You can have the moon, as well as an answer to your life’s greatest mystery,” you smile at her, gaining a small laugh. “Andy?”

“Water?”

“You seem like a bourbon guy,” your Mother states, waiving off his request for a water. “We still have bourbon, right?”

“That we do,” you laugh.

“Get him a bourbon, me some ice chips, and you some wine.”

“Ma, I don’t need-”

“Trust me, I know you don’t need it, but I know you want it. You don’t have to drink water and juice all day because I can’t have it.”

“You sure?”

“I have a feeling that one of us is gonna need to be buzzed in order to solve this case,” she smirks at you as you giggle.

“Three drinks comin’ right up,” you nod before escaping into the kitchen to make them.

You can’t remember the last time you worked so fast to get two simple drinks together, and a cup of fucking ice, but you don’t want either of them alone together for too long cause who knows what they’ll say to one another. You’re all set to bring the drinks in when your phone goes off.

“Hello?” you answer without even checking to see who it is.

“Hey Baby Doll,” your Father says softly and you can feel your heart rate speed up. “Do you have a minute to talk?”

“No, not really. What do you want?”

“I uh...I um...I wanna see you for lunch next week, Kiddo,” he beams excitedly. “I know you don’t wanna have anything to do with me, which is more than understandable, but I was hoping-”

“I really can’t have this talk right now. Mom and I have company over, so I gotta go,” you say abruptly before ending the call.

You take a deep breath and take step back, doing your best to mask all signs of irritation and frustration, before clearing your throat and starting back on your short trek to the living area, only to find them laughing about something that clearly has nothing to do with the movie.

What’s so damn funny?

“Hey, that took longer than I expected,” your smiles at you with a small cough “everything okay?”

“Yeah, I just got an unexpected call,” you shrug, passing the two of them their requested drinks. “What’s so funny?”

“You,” she muses.

“Me?”

“You really used to think that carat and carrot were the same thing?” Andy laughs in pure disbelief.

“I was 6! How was I supposed to know?!” you defend, laughing yourself as you take a seat on the sofa.

“She would come in and hold up a bag of carrots and say ‘Mommy, you never have to work again! We can turn these into rings and be rich!’ , and I never had the heart to tell her,” your Mother laughs.

“Sweetheart, how did you think you’d turn the carrots into diamond rings?” Andy chuckles, trying to calm his laughing.

“She was the adult, so I figured she’d know what to do!”

“And when she wasn’t able to make them into diamond rings”

“I just thought I got bad carrots,” you shrug with a giggle as Andy laughs harder.

“Oh Baby...no,”  he sighs, catching his breath finally.

“I don’t see how this helps us solve our ‘Grease’ issue,” you mumble as a smile plays on your lips.

When you press play, your Mother and Andy quickly fall into conversation, and you let yourself almost forget who Andy really is to you at the end of the day. It’s almost easy to forget what the arrangement you two have is. It only feels so right because, in the back of your mind, it is.

If this had been any other life, or any other time, maybe you and Andy would have a fighting chance. You’d be able to introduce him as your complicated boyfriend, and your Mother would have more time to adjust to the idea. You would have more time to adjust to the idea. However, the situation is what it is, and can only enjoy what’s left of it.

No matter how much it breaks your heart.

“I genuinely think the car us able to fly away because the woman says that ‘if the car were any better condition, it would fly’. Since Danny and Sandra decided that they’re meant to be, the car has everything it needs. Oil, a good muffler, a great engine, quality breaks, and true love. True love is what put it in the best condition,” Andy shrugs before finishing off his 4th drink.

“Ya know what? That’s not a bad way to think about it. Sweet Pea, we have an answer! I can die happy,” your Mother chuckles as you roll your eyes.

“Simmer down you,” you warn, giving her a smirk. “What do you wanna watch next?”

“Oh, what’s that movie you used to love as a kid? That Disney movie.”

“Mommy....no.”

“Oh, what was it? You used to make me watch it with you every weekend! You broke the damn tape!”

“Mom!” you beg as you hear Andy start to chuckle. “Don’t you have somewhere to be?”

“I’ve got nothin’ but time today, Sweetheart,” he smirks at you.

“The Little Mermaid!”

“Mom...please don’t do this to me,” you whine as Andy bursts out laughing. “I’ll do anything, just please...no!”

“I haven’t seen it in so long! Lets watch it!”

“Yes, I think we should,” Andy agreed once he caught his breath.

“Oh no you don’t,” you quickly correct, turning to face him. “If you’re gonna stay here and watch the little bit dignity I have left quickly fall away, you’re getting us food.”

“I’ll happily get you food if it means I get to watch you sing Disney songs.”

“I will not be singing along!”

“Oh yes you will,” your Mother giggles.

“The two of you together is no good,” you snip at her sarcastically and she laughs.

“You want the usual?” Andy asks, taking out his phone.

“Yes please. Oh! Ask them for chopsticks please!” you beg as Andy smirks and shakes his head.

“Can I get you anything?”

“Eh, I’m not supposed to, but I’ll have an egg roll,” your Mother shrugs as you cut her a look. “What? I’m gonna die either way. I may as well eat what I want.”

“You’re very annoying, did you know that?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t ever wanna be any other way,” she teases.

“I’ll go and place the order,” Andy smiles before exiting the room.

“Your usual, huh?” your Mother smirks knowingly.

“Don’t start.”

“Hes been calling you ‘sweetheart’ and ‘baby’ since he got here.”

“That’s just how Andy talks.”

“He hasn’t called me either of those.”

“Yeah well, that’s your old.”

“I’m not that old!”

“You’re the oldest person in here,” you tease as she lets out a hearty laugh. “We’re just friends, Ma. No more and no less.”

“A mother knows, ya know.”

“There can never be anything. He’s in his own shit and I’m not strong enough to deal with it.”

“I don’t know anything about him except what comes on the TV, so I’m not gonna make a judgment, but I do see how he looks at you. How you look at him. There’s definitely something there and maybe, with time, it could be something more.”

“If only,” you smile softly, holding back your tears.

“Alright, the food has been ordered, please play ‘The Little Mermaid’,” Andy beams as he quickly makes his way back inside.

You do nothing but shake your head and look for the movie on the streaming service you always use, while your Mother starts laughing.

As she predicted, you’re singing along as soon as the first song starts playing. You hear your Mother and Andy laughing softly, but you don’t care. You can’t remember the last time you felt so safe and happy, and you feel extremely happy that you get to experience the feeling with both your Mother and Andy.

You want to live in the moment forever.

You’re barely 15 minutes into the movie before there’s a knock on the door.

“That was quick,” you say, checking your phone for the time. “I’ll get it!” you volunteer before getting up and sprinting to the door. “I think that’s the fastest we’ve ever...oh,” you say flatly when you see the person on the side of the door is Mary. “Whatever you have to say, I can’t hear right now.”

“Y/N, please, if you would just hear me out-”

“There’s literally nothing to hear. There’s nothing you can say.”

“There’s so much to say! Just give me five minutes, please!”

“No! I have nothing to say to you and I don’t want to hear anything you have to say!”

“Y/N, we’ve gotten through so many other-”

“Not like this, Mary. I don’t care how drunk you were, you fucking knew what something like that would to me. How much it would hurt me and you still decided to hurt me. I didn’t deserve that, especially from you,” you spit, your eyes watering. “Whatever you have to say, I’m not ready to hear it and I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to. You don’t get to force your friendship on me because you’re lonely.”

“I’m not...I just want-”

“Hey babe, is everything...oh,” Andy stops short seeing Mary at your doorstep.

“So you two are-”

“We’re just-”

“Whatever we are or aren’t isn’t any concern of yours,” Andy interrupts harshly. “You need to leave.”

“You can’t tell me-”

“I can and I just did. She doesn’t need this right now and you’ve done enough.”

Mary looks from him to you before shaking her head and practically running off.

“Are you okay?” Andy sighs as you close the door.

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”

“Sweetheart-”

“She’s having a really good day, Andy. That’s all I can focus on right now,” you state softly, looking up at him.

Andy dips down and kisses you softly as he wraps his arms around you. “I’ll answer the door next time, okay?” All you do is nod before laying your head on his chest. “Lets get back in there.”

“Just a few more minutes.”

“That’s fine too.”

You don’t care that you’re upset with Andy or completely confused by his words and actions. In this moment, it just matters that he’s here and he’s comforting you. Out of all the ways that he could’ve chosen to spend his day, he’s choosing to spend it with you and your Mother. He’s choosing to stay and make both your Mother and you happy, instead of going out and doing whatever he wants.

Andy chooses you.

You both stay there for a few more minutes before going back into the living area. You assure your Mother that every thing is fine before pressing ‘play’ on the remote, resuming the scene where she starts singing ‘Part Of Your World’. When the food finally does arrive, Andy is true to his word and answers the door.

As the night goes on, your Mother drifts in and out of sleep as the final movie of the night (Alice in Wonderland) starts playing.

“Are you okay, Mom? Do you need anything?” you ask, noticing her nod off for the 10th time.

“I’m fine, Sweet Pea. Just tired,” she smiles at you weakly. “Wanna do pancakes in the morning?”

“Mmm, I think tomorrow is gonna be more of a waffle day.”

“Pancakes are better and I’m tired of you pretending they aren’t.”

“One day you’ll know peace and I’ll be proud of you.”

“You’re such a little shit,” she laughs. “Give me a kiss goodnight.”

“So damn needy,” you tease before getting up and giving her a kiss on the cheek and the tightest hug you can muster without hurting her.

“I could stay in your hugs forever,” she murmurs, and you hear the strain in her voice.

“I think you should.”

“Don’t start that. I love you.”

“I love you, Mommy.”

“Sleep tight and I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“I’ll do my best.”

You give her one more kiss and she kisses your cheek softly before letting go of you. You make your way back into your favorite spot on the sofa. You cuddle up close to Andy as he presses play on the remote and resumes the movie. You wait until you hear her soft snores before you settle in closer next to him.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly as he wraps his arms around you.

“Andy, now isn’t-”

“We don’t have to talk about it, I just want you to know...I am sorry. I didn’t mean or want to make you upset, and I never meant to make your life more complicated. I just...I’m sorry.”

“Did you mean it?” you ask softly, terrified of hearing him say ‘no’.

“I don’t know,” he sighs, making no attempt to hide the pain in his voice. “I want to. I truly want to, because at this point, I’m convinced you’re the only one for me, but...I’m still damaged goods, Y/N. I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with you, but I know I’m happy. I’m so damn happy when I’m with you, and it just...I went too far and I know that. I’m sorry,” he sighs, pulling you closer and placing a soft kiss into your hair.

You’re thoughtful before you speak. “Don’t say it again. Don’t say it unless you mean it, because I can’t handle something else breaking my heart. I can’t handle you breaking my heart.”

“Do you love me?”

“That’s not fair and you know it. I didn’t say it, you did.”

“I know, but we both need to know how deep we’re both in this. That’s only fair.”

“Some days I think I do and other days...”

“Other days...?”

“I really fucking hate you, Andy. I hate you for complicating things, I hate you for choosing me. I hate you because my friendship with Mary is destroyed, I hate you for still being married, even if it is only temporary...I fucking hate you the most for making me care so much. When we started this, it was so simple, but we both wanted more and neither of us were smart enough to walk away.”

“You were.”

“I was smart enough to suggest it, but I never actually did. That’s why you’re here now. We’re here now.”

“I won’t say it again, Sweetheart. I won’t say it unless I’m ready to commit. I promise,” he says sweetly before checking his watch. “I need to get going.”

“Stay...unless you have something you need to do or someone you need to see.”

“I’m as free as a bird, Baby.”

“Then stay. She likes you, a lot, so stay. She’ll be happy to see you in the morning.”

“Anything to see you both happy,” he encourages before placing another kiss into your hair.

You both lay down and he pulls close, taking in your scent and warmth, while you just take in the comfort of him being there. Him holding you, kissing you every few seconds, and cuddling you close are some of your favorite things.

It’s heaven.

In no time at all, you both are drifting off to sleep to the infamous ‘A Very Merry Unbirthday’ scene.

You’re not sure how long you’re asleep before Andy gently wakes you. The tone in his voice has your heart breaking instantly.

“Baby...she’s-”

“Don’t. Don’t fucking say it, please,” you sob, unable to look at your Mother in her hospice bed. “She’s not, Andy. She’s just sleeping hard.”

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry,” he says solemnly wrapping you in a hug.

“You can’t be sure-”

“I checked, baby. She’s gone.”

You’re unable to do anything except cry, so Andy takes it upon himself to call everyone who needs to be called. When they come to take your Mother away, you’re even worse off.

“It’s gonna be okay, Sweetheart. I’m here,” Andy coos gently as strokes your back.

As the days go by, they all seem to blur. You pay attention to nothing and you care about almost nothing. For the most part, you’re just numb, going through the motions. Andy is with you for as much as he can be, and when he can’t, he won’t leave your side until Allison or Lindsey show up. You hear the arguments with Laurie and you truly feel bad because you know you’re the reason for them. However, you can’t bring yourself to tell him he doesn’t need to stay. You won’t bring yourself to that point.

When it’s late, and you allow yourself to be honest with only yourself, you know that Andy is the only reason you haven’t gone completely off the rails. It’s not lost on you that you really do love the man, but it’s also not lost on you that life is a bitch.

By the time the funeral comes, you’re not even sure what day it is.

“You gotta get up, Sweetheart,” Andy tells you as he leans against the door frame to your room.

“What time is it?”

“7am.”

“I can stay in bed a little longer,” you mumble, turning over as he sighs.

“Baby, after this-”

“After this, I have to deal with her not being in my life anymore.”

“She’s always here, just not physically. As long as you keep her in your heart and mind, she’s always with you,” he tells you softly as he lays down next to you.

“I don’t want to go, Andy.”

“I know you don’t, Baby, but you know it would make her happy.”

“I just want her back. I tried so hard and worked so hard...” you trail off as you start to sob,

“I know, Sweetheart. I know. We just gotta get through today and we’ll figure the rest out.”

“You have to get home.”

“I’m here for as long as you need me.”

“I hear the arguments, Andy. I know she’s furious and I know-”

“She’s furious because she’s coming to terms with the reality that she’s set. That has nothing to do with me and she’ll figure it out on her own.”

“Andy-”

“With the exception of Jacob’s graduation, I’m here for as much and as often as you want me.”

“You don’t have to worry about me, I’m putting this place on the market.”

“And where are you gonna go?”

“I don’t know. A fucking box on the corner.”

“You’re insane if you think I’m gonna let you be homeless.”

“I just don’t care. I don’t care about anything.”

“Let me take care of you, Sweetheart. It’ll be your place, your name will be on the papers and everything. I’ll just pay for it until you’re on your feet and we’ll go from there.”

“Andy-”

“It’ll be your place, Sweetheart. I just wanna help. I care about you and don’t want to see you struggle, especially after all you’ve been through. So, what do you say?”

In this moment, you’re truly faced with a decision you’re not ready for. Do you follow your heart and trust Andy, or do you keep your guard up and tough it out alone? When you turn over and look at him, his eyes hold all of the promises you’ve been longing for; but it only tugs at your heart because it doesn’t know if you can trust it fully and completely anymore.

Do you choose love or sensibility?

~~

Taglist: @fuckingbye, @maroonsunrise83, @whxre4cevans, @sweetflowerdreams

#andy barber #Andy Barber smut #andy barber fic #andy barber x reader #andy barber x you #Defending Jacob #defending jacob fanfic #defending jacob smut #defending jacob fanfiction #defending jacob one shot #Andy Barber x Reader #andy barber x y/n #Dark! Andy Barber #Smut #fan fic smut #fanfiction #fan fiction #fanfic #fan fic #Story Time #Lawyer Andy Barber

[equallyshaw]

𝔟𝔯𝔲𝔱𝔞𝔩. - 𝔮𝔲𝔦𝔫𝔫 𝔥𝔲𝔤𝔥𝔢𝔰.

inspired by miss o rodrigos: brutal.

part of the "sour" imagine series.

Sour Masterlist:

Part two: all i want.

warnings: swearing, mentions of suicide indirectly (not named), mental health issues and angst.

word count: 3.5k

slight time jumps, 2018-2020-2022.

—

I'm so insecure, I think

That I'll die before I drink

And I'm so caught up in the news

Of who likes me and who hates you

And I'm so tired that I might

Quit my job, start a new life

And they'd all be so disappointed

'Cause who am I, if not exploited?

—

we broke up right after my 18th, because somebody was scared about what my supposed 'celebrity' status would do to his career. we broke up two weeks before i was awarded the gold medal for figure skating, at the 2018 olympics. he broke up with me because, he could not deal with the attention i got. attention, you say?

as much as i love this life, i hate what comes with it. i was barely 17, when the media turned me into a sexual icon for skating, or was a scapegoat because i came in 2nd at worlds and said that team usa did not have a chance at gold. they were wrong ofcourse, but you don't think i hated it too? i hated people on social media, following our every move. following yours, and sending me pictures + videos of you at parties with girls at your disposal and all up on you. that team usa's golden couple, were not as perfect as people made them out to be? because of my position i am terrified of what people will say, and what my coaches, teammates and managers think. always trying to please people, be the perfect starlit that i needed to be to win.

right before the olympics, and right after you broke up with me, i broke down. and some people will call me a baby because a lot of it was over you but was also, because of the amount of hate i had gotten. the amount of accusations of cheating, and apparently i was 'caught' drinking at a party which made team usa upset or that i went after a team usa hockey player that was not quinn. all untrue, ofcourse. i remember so clearly, thinking about dropping out because my mental health and anxiety were at a all time low and nobody did anything to supress the rumors, you even played along with it liking comments about me being in the wrong. i remember wanting to pull out, and doing a big fuck you to team usa and you, quinn. i wanted to be petty and disappear from the world. completley. it had gotten that bad. my coach shannon though, was one of the first to notice. she noticed how i didn't participate in anything other than what was required of me, and was one of the only people who tried to intervene on my behalf to no luck. team usa, pathetically, only and truly cared about hockey. skating, they could of gave two shits.

but then again, if i quit that would feed into there power. people would reval at the thought of tearing me down and 'winning' because i quit. i didn't want to give them that satisfaction but i didn't want to deal with it. also, the skating world and team usa needed somebody to not only be there scapegoat but somebody they could use to there advantage, not my personal. all they cared about was using me and then dumping me. so quickly, after taking a week off to personally sort out treatment options, i went back out into the plymoth ice and worked my ass off. tweaking parts of my routine, to add extra points and showed off my 'hard' side. something we had never explored before i needed to be soft and pretty. but the comittee, wanted me to win and to overshadow the rumors of why i took that week off. they told me this was it, if i didnt pull off a gold medal.

and i think about to this day, what would of happened if i did pull out of the 2018 games. who would i be now? where would i be? would i be with who i am today?

—

Where's my fucking teenage dream?

If someone tells me one more time

"Enjoy your youth, " I'm gonna cry

And I don't stick up for myself

I'm anxious and nothing can help

And I wish I'd done this before

And I wish people liked me more

—

ever since i had come to plymoth to continue my training at the age of 12 because the skating window was small, i hadn't lived a normal life. even more so, my parents had me homeschooled instead of going to public school with the rest of team usa. they believed that i would achieve more and quicker, if i spent more time in there. i had no friends. my coach shannon being my best friend and closest confidant, made me closed off. i mean i spoke to my teammates but becuase they were older, it was difficult to make that bond but i loved them nevertheless. and that's when you came into the picture. skating me off my feet, at the age of 15. literally. somebody decided to skate backwards during a open skate and bumped into me without realizing. i remember rolling my eyes, getting up and skating off the ice to disappear to the second rink. away from everybody.

you were so curious about me, asking anybody you could to find info about me. again, i didnt really have any friends so you relied on the trainers and coaches to coax information about me. i wish people my age, liked me more. it was so lonely, skating everyday and then going home to do school and then go back to the rink to do some off ice training. people thought i was weird becuase of it, even some of your teammates. it wasn't normal, and then you and some of the others our age, pulled me into a small knit group. where i thought for once, i was normal.

and then the rumors began, and nobody stood up for me. this was before we even started dating. i didn't stick up for myself because i wasnt given the oppurtunity or clearence to do so. i was scared to even walk by a camera when i had to. i tried to hide, and make myself small so i wouldn't be seen. nothing would help, though. and then once we broke up, i finally set the record straight in a instagram post after i won gold.

"to all the doubters, naysayers and drama fanatics- this is for you. i have worked my ass of since i was 12 to get here, through all the upsets, injuries, and extreme isolation as a kid, i have won. i won gold, baby. take that."

—

All I did was try my best

This the kind of thanks I get?

Unrelentlessly upset

They say these are the golden years

But I wish I could disappear

—

and then i wasnt seen until 2020, when the pandemic hit and my training was halted. i was seen on my way out of the training facility in plymouth. my manager said to the media, that my time was not over. that i still had a huge shot of making the 2022 team, despite this set back. i hated having the 'spotlight' back on me. i hated people watching my move again, fearing i would misstep and be looked down upon.

people still felt like i owed them something. people believed that despite me winning gold, i should of cleaner, sharper then what i did on that ice. i remember a rumor swirling around about how you had liked another instagram comment, about my routine and how i was apparently sloppy. does that make you feel good? does it make you upset, that i went to the olympics and you didnt? are you jealous?

god, i could never win with you. after everything, you still want to bring up old shit? shit that neither of us, had ever commented on? after seeing that swirl around on twitter, i shut the world out once again. my amazing boyfriend who was on the 2018 hockey olympic team wanted to reach out on my behalf but i kept telling him no. that you didn't deserve the time of day or energy spent. that he seriously didn't need to drive ten minutes down the road, to make a point. my skating would take care of that.

and then my mom was terrified during quarintine that i wouldn't be able to get a second gold because of not being on the ice. saying that even though i was in my prime, and my golden years, i might not be good enough because of this set back. so as soon as the rink reopened, i spent hours upon hours going over the basics and then moved my way onto the harder stuff that i had never attempted before. but i had moments where i felt like, i wasnt enough. that two of the closest people to me at one time, felt like i wasnt good enough. and i hate that you still have some power over me. that your opinion matters, because it did at one point.

—

I feel like no one wants me

And I hate the way I'm perceived

I only have two real friends

And lately, I'm a nervous wreck

'Cause I love people I don't like

—

even days before leading up the 2022 olympics, i still felt like i was not enough. and even though my boyfriend, from across the sea kept trying to keep my spirits up i was still sad and very lonely. a lot of people think that the olmypics are fun, and that is true, but it's also isolating. im also not the most outgoing or boisterous person to be around, so it made things difficult. yeah, i had friends from other countries that i got to hang with but i also just wanted my boyfriend. besides, shannon my coach- he was my best friend. i wish he was here again, but he was living out his dream in the nhl. now newly, apart of the seattle kraken. (a/n an hour plan ride from vancouver....) he couldn't be here. and then he went to post a picture of us two, and for the first time since we got together in 2019, we were finally public with the world. it was a shock to say the least. i enjoyed five minutes of blissfullness, before all the rumors and comments started to come in. and i know you saw that picture, and grew uncomfortable. im glad it did, because i know you cared more about me than you ever said.

and the days leading up to my final event, i freaked. i was a nervous wreck, thinking i sucked and that i would choke. and people were reaching out, thinking they were calming my nerves but no, it made it worst. and then you sent me a dm on insagram, thinking my number had changed. it was a simple, "go usa! cheering you on from vancouver." and im not gonna sit here and say i didnt appreciate it or love it, i had a tendancy to love people i didn't like becasue im a doormat. i allow people to walk all over me, and then just shut myself out from the world. it's what i do. it's what you do.

—

All I did was try my best

This the kind of thanks I get?

Unrelentlessly upset

—

i didn't win. i did not win the gold, i set out to get. maybe outing our relationship jinxed me? maybe the comments got to me and gave the other skater an edge? no, i couldn't blame it on him. he had done everything right, i just didn't win gold on my own accord. and now people are coming after me saying that i shouldn't have even gone to the olympics. i shouldn't have had the oppurunity to represent usa all these years. after everything i've done for the sport and country, this is how you repay me? so me, winning gold in 2018 doesn't matter? im only being reduced to my 2022, performance? a silver medal? like yeah, i wanted to win gold, but silver i think is still pretty good.

you did too. you messaged me right after the podium saying how phenomominal i was and how much you were rooting for me. even joking that you got some of the canucks team too, despite not being from there home country. and that you were there if i needed somebody to talk to, as friends ofcourse. i thanked you, but didn't go any further. god forbid that got out, and rumors ran wild.

my boyfriend welcomed me with open arms, as i touched down in seattle. i wanted to go there first, before going home to plymouth and seeing my extended friends and family. he was so sweet, and proud. he wanted to show me off every chance he got, which i liked but dreaded at the same time. i knew after the olympics were over, it would take a lot of convinving to get me to be in the public eye again. i hadn't even thought about the next four years and what it might entail. if i wanted to do another olympic run and to finish my career off with another gold.

and then he wanted me to go to the seattle vs vancouver game at home ice, the second week i was with him. i had ofcourse, laid low and kept pushing off the detroit parade/rally of me and another winter athelete's welcome home event like last time. my boyfriend kept saying that the kraken wanted to honor me, since i was thinking about extending my trip and potentially moving here. i mean, him and i had been dating for almost three years. the next logical step was to move in with him, but i wasn't sure i wanted that just yet. i wasn't sure if it was him, i wanted to do it with.

then the night rolled around, and i was being honored with my lovely silver medal. i took a deep breath and stood near the ice, shaking with nerves. i hated these things, again- explortation got old real quick. i walked out, waving my arms in the air and plastered my gold and fake winning smile to the sold out crowd. i could feel the thump of my heart beat in my ears, as i posed for the obvious picture with the captains. as i was walking back to exit the ice, my boyfriend stopped me trying to give me a full on kiss. and i freaked, turning my cheek in time to have him give me a kiss on the cheek. he knew i hated pda, and to do it on this stage- was so very uncalled for. i hated things like this. but then matty beniers who i knew back in plymoth skated up and saved the day. he greeted me with a huge smile, and we hugged. and then will borgen who was also at the 2018 olympics team, skated up as well and hugged me. they marveled at my silver, and congratulated me once again. i then tunred back towards my boyfriend and i gave him a small, flushed smile and turned back to the camera one last time. waving, before walking back off the ice. the seattle kraken gave me one last boisterous cheer, and i turned towards them blushing like a fool. and it was impossible to miss your gaze, from afar. i turned away quickly, and headed off.

later that evening, everything blew up. after a dissapointing loss again the canucks he broke up with me. my boyfriend of three years and friend of four, broke up with me. why? i never got a direct answer. and that night, i got on a red eye back to michigan. again, shutting out the world. i pushed off the parade/rally once again, apologizing to my fellow usa athlete stating that i was going through something personal. once again. they understood, and appreciated the extra time to spend with friends and family.

i was walking through the local coffee shop, and saw the one person i hadn't seen in person for a few years. mrs. hughes. the person that quite honestly, acted more like my mom then my own. she cared more about what i felt, thought and did outside of the rink. whilst, my mom cared more about my accolades and what i needed to work on or fix. the hughes at one point, was my chosen family when we were dating. always there to hang out, advice and a needed laugh. i ordered, and walked over towards and empty table pulling out my laptop to go over some school that needed to be done. being a senior at university of michigan was going to be over soon, and i couldnt be happier. but that didnt last long, when i felt ellen tap my shoulder. i turned in my seat, freaking out before a soft smile appeared on my face. she saw my under eyes that were now chronic from the lack of sleep, she saw the exhaustion plagueing my eyes, the messy hair from not bothering to tame my natural curly hair. she saw i was falling apart, and that everything was becoming to much. it was brutal out here.

she sat with me, and we spoke for three hours. going over the break up between quinn and i, why i left skating for a week, after the 2018 olympics, quinn's draft, me and ryan's relationship, getting back into the public eye, this olympic run, the breakup and now i was here. i was in the present. she gave me advice, comfort and motherly love that i ached for. she told me that quinn wouldn't stop bombarding the family groupchat about my every move at the olympics. he would stay up late to catch my skates or early. nearly missing a morning meeting, but it was worth it since i won silver. ellen told me that i won despite, the color of my medal. and that i should be proud no matter what. opposite of the words my mother chose. ellen said that i shouldn't rush another run, until i was for certain i was ready. i joked that i'd need a hughes by my side for that one and at this point i'd take any one of the three. she laughed, claiming that having some hughes drama might be good luck after all. i mean, i did win a gold medal after what quinn put me through.

she told me that when i was ready, i might reach out to quinn again. as a friend, ofcourse. what did i have to lose? she didn't say it to get us back together, but to mend that brutal breakup between us. that quinn stubbornly, never moved on because he still held out hope for the two of us. i nodded, claiming that i might reach out to him soon.

—

Got a broken ego, broken heart

And God, I don't even know where to start

—

i reached out to you via text after confirming it with your mom, that it was still the same number. after some back and fourth on our break up, i finally was able to make peace with it. i was able to make peace with you, after all these years. and then we got onto face time, and i saw that stupid face of yours. one that brought me back to the good times. and then you asked me about my relationship with ryan and i sat there for a few seconds debating on telling you. but ellen would tell him, if i didn't. i told him that ryan broke up with me after the game, never giving me a clear reason. and now i had to put together a make shift reasoning and mend my broken heart. i didn't know where to start though. i saw that it made you uncomfortable, and i understood why. even though we had broken up, you still had a huge love for me. you still cared about me, and with the rumors throughout the years, you still kept up with me. hanigng onto any sliver of information on me when i kept my profile low. always hoping to see me in michigan when you came home, always hoping that luke would run into me at practice and say something. we did, but it never went past the how are you's and good luck's. you still loved me, in the most stubborn way. and then you suggested sarcastically, that i take a trip out to vancouver once, i had the parade/rally. i caught your eye and smiled. "i mean, what's stopping me?" i innocently asked. you took that sliver of information and ran with it. arranging everything, and coordinating his schedule to accomidate my flight in. in the back of my mind, i discarded the return home flight. knowing full well, that by the time it rolls around- i wouldnt be needing it.

i would be flying in with a broken heart and wouldn't leave simply because, i wouldn't want to. knowing, just knowing that you'd be back in my life in more ways than one. Until you know, you become a traitor once again.

—

i hope you all enjoyed!!! there will be a follow up imagine for this becuase, why not? i can't not now, im too invested in this relationship. please reblog and like!

Tags: @jayda12 @dazeddobson

#Quinn hughes #Quinn Hughes blurb #Quinn Hughes imagine #nhl #hockey #nhl blurb #hockey blurb #nhl imagine #hockey imagine #figure skating #Quinn Hughes x oc #usa hockey #sour hockey imagines

[wonderlandleighleigh]

How does the ‘real date’ go?! You can’t leave us hanging like that!😤

It's been raining for days, and it patters down on Lenny's well-used umbrella as he waits for Midge out side of their agreed-upon restaurant.

A quiet spot with good comfort food and a homey atmosphere. It's been around for probably a good sixty years serving the same stuff it always has, and Lenny sneaks in here sometimes before shows to grab a bite.

Midge is late, because it's raining and also, she's Midge. Perpetually tardy, but worth the wait, honestly.

"Sorry!" she calls, dashing up. She's wearing a an almost-blue, almost-lilac dress, and she looks...

Well she always looks beautiful. Worth the wait, indeed.

"S'okay," he shrugs with a grin. "It's just a little rain."

Midge smiles at him as they deflate their umbrellas and head into the restaurant, setting them next to each other in a little basket by the door. His black, hers a silvery-gray.

They're seated relatively quickly and Midge looks around, smiling.

"It's nice here. Cozy."

"I like it," Lenny admits. "I come here before shows sometimes. Get something to eat. Have a moment."

She beams at him; at his seemingly new ability to share bits and pieces of his life with her.

He always could, he swears, he just-

Fucks it up sometimes. A lot.

They look at their menus and Midge asks the million dollar question.

"So? California for six months?" she queries.

"Yes," he nods, glancing up at her. "For a number of reasons. First and foremost, my kid was having a hard time. She's got issues with nightmares and anxiety and it was time to step in and help my mother handle things."

Midge looks up, surprised. "That sounds rough. Is she okay?"

Lenny nods. "She is. Now. A lot had to change very quickly for her to be okay, so things are a little...in flux at the moment for me."

She tilts her head, looking concerned.

"I had to get my shit together in some very real, very jarring ways," he tells her. "The bag you found was unceremoniously tossed into the garbage, and I've been mostly taking a break from performing. As I told you, I got a place here in the city, and she's living with me now."

"Wow," Midge breathes out. "That is a lot of change. So if you're not performing...?"

"Writing," Lenny says. "Op eds. A memoir for Playboy." He looks back down at his menu. "When your six-year-old is on the verge a breakdown, it tends to put things into perspective."

She nods understandingly. "I mean...if there's anything I can do to help..."

"I appreciate that," he grins. "We're still kind of settling in, but I will let you know." He takes a breath. "So? What about you? Gordon Ford's show. Gigs around town. What else?"

"Child rearing of my own," Midge tells him. "And fending off advances from my newly-single ex-husband. That's been stressful."

Lenny wrinkles his forehead, looking confused. "He left you."

"Yes he did."

"Now he's..."

"Yes he is."

Lenny rolls his eyes and it makes her laugh.

"It's ridiculous," Midge says. "Things felt...less stressful when he was with Mei - his now ex-girlfriend who is seven months pregnant with Joel's baby and took a medical residency in Ohio."

He snorts out a laugh. "Oof. Left for Ohio, of all places." He takes a breath and regards her thoughtfully. "Well, you and I could always start seriously dating. That might scare him off."

She laughs a little. "Yeah? I should go on Gordon Ford Thursday night and talk about my new boyfriend, Lenny Bruce?"

"Boyfriend," Lenny ponders. "It's been a long time since I've been someone's boyfriend, I wonder how that works nowadays. Do I pin you?"

"You already did," Midge reminds him with a quirked eyebrow and a smirk.

He chuckles and puts a hand in front of his mouth, gazing at her. "I suppose that's true."

"Three times, if I recall," she adds.

"I'm a very focused individual," Lenny admits. "Also, it was a lot of fun."

Midge laughs softly. "It was a lot of fun." She keeps smiling, but the look in her eyes a little vulnerable. "Maybe a little more than fun?"

He nods in agreement and swallows, going serious. "Yes. More than fun."

They sit in the silence of that for a moment, before they both look back down at their menus.

It goes well, the rest of the date. They make each other laugh, and share kid stories. Midge tells him about the set at Gordon Ford and how insane it can get.

They split a bottle of wine with dinner and they don't leave until the restaurant closes up.

It's still raining when they leave, and Lenny drapes his trench coat over her shoulders to aid her umbrella in keeping her dry.

"I like this," she tells him. "You and me and quiet dinners. Not that...busy nights of television appearances, and bizarre clubs who may or may not sacrifice their patrons or police raids in the snow aren't exciting, but..."

He nods in agreement. "This is good, too. Really good."

Midge smiles at him and leans up, kissing him softly, a hand cupping his jaw so gently he feels like he might burst into fucking flames as he kisses her back.

She pulls away reluctantly and takes a breath before hailing herself a cab. When one pulls up, Midge slips his coat off and holds it out to him.

Lenny regards her for a moment before kissing her again as he takes the coat back. "Goodnight, Midge."

She smiles against his lips. "Goodnight, Lenny."

She closes her umbrella and hops into the cab, waving to him a little as it pulls away from the curb and Lenny tugs his coat back on.

Her perfume lingers on he collar where she tugged it close and Lenny shakes his head before calling himself a cab.

#fic #au #tmmm #Midge/Lenny #Midge x Lenny

[growup-thatbeautiful]

i think i’ve seen this film before

warnings: canon compliant, major character death, anxiety, angst, grief, loss of loved one,

summary: What happens in the time skip when Steve finds out about Eddie and Max

*

“Where’s Eddie?” Steve asks, pulling back to look Dustin in the eyes. He hates what he sees there, the fear and the pain. He’s never seen such a hopeless look on Dustin, and he wants to brush it away the same way he would brush away tears. “Henderson, where’s Eddie? Is he hurt? I swear, if he got hurt pulling some shit-“

“Steve,” Dustin interrupts, but he doesn’t listen, can’t listen, not when he knows the news is bad.

“-I’m going to fucking kill him because I told him not to do that.” Steve doesn’t look in the eyes of anyone around him, not Dustin or Robin or Nancy. Somehow, it seems safer if all he can see is the swirling red and black sky.

“Steve,” Dustin begs, his eyes shut against some unseen pain. There’s a waver in his voice, but he stays strong, bracing through the ghosts. “He didn’t make it.”

Steve must be hearing things wrong, because it sounds like Dustin is telling him that Eddie’s gone. “Eddie can’t be gone,” he says, ears ringing. He can hardly hear his own words. “Eddie’s okay. Tell me he’s okay.”

“Steve.” Dustin steps falteringly closer to him, hand fidgeting at his side like he wants to reach out.

“No, he- he said he wasn’t going to do that,” Steve says, words coming out too fast. “He wasn’t going to be a hero, we weren’t going to let him be a hero. Dustin, come on man, where is he? Dustin? Where- where is he?” Steve’s voice breaks, a shaking hand coming up to cover his mouth. “Why did he do it? We were all supposed to make it this time.” The horribly familiar feeling of tears in his eyes suppresses him, takes him down to his knees in the spongy ground. Walking seems like too much of a task, a burden he can’t take.

Steve can’t look up, can’t tear his eyes from the ugly, mangled grass, but he can hear Dustin’s sobs and Robin’s panicked breathing. Nancy is repeatedly asking “what” to no one in particular, a rising hysteria to her voice.

“We need to keep moving,” says Steve eventually, when staring at the ground doesn’t help. “It’s still not safe.” Despite their wounds and their fight. Despite Eddie’s sacrifice and their losses. It’s never safe, maybe it never will be. People, good people, like Eddie will keep dying, keep trying to fight the good fight, and Steve will live through it all. Just to be in pain. Just for nightmares and sweat-soaked sheets.

Steve stands up and makes it all of three steps before he empties his stomach onto the grass, hands placed firmly on his knees.

“Jesus Christ,” he gasps, straightening up. “This is so fucked.”

“Yeah,” agrees Robin numbly. If Steve was in his right headspace, he would be all over Robin, asking her if she’s okay. Because she never says so few words.

“I mean, I thought for once we all were going to live through something.” A horrible, gut-wrenching thought comes to him, ripping whatever remorse he was going to add on to his speech straight out of his mind. Grief is strong, but panic grips him stronger. “We need to get to Max and Lucas. They’re- they’re going to be okay, right?” He doesn’t wait for the rest of them to follow as he takes off, scrambling along, to the gate.

“Steve, wait-“ calls Nancy, starting after him. He hears their footsteps and trusts that they’re behind him.

As he moves through Eddie’s trailer, he tries not to let his mind wander, but he can’t hold the thoughts at bay. How Eddie won’t ever come back here to plan a DnD campaign for the kids, spending hours on the little list details on their planned escapism. Dust will gather where he used to pace the floors, sheets will remain rumpled and the bed will forever be messily unmade, like they’re waiting for someone to come home. School, when it comes back, will be missing their loudest, gentlest, most accepting hero, but not because he graduated like he wanted to so badly. Guitar strings will grow old and snap, paint will chip, and his Guitar will slip out of tune, never to be played again by the person who took such good care of it.

With these thoughts racing in his head, Steve grabs one of the chairs and stacks it on top of the couch. Half of the rope that was hanging from both sides lays uselessly on the floor, a sprawling white snake.

Luckily, the mattress is still on the other side of the gate, and Steve jumps through without caution, landing roughly on his shoulder. Pain rockets up his arm, but he ignores it in favor of rushing to his car and struggling with the keys in the ignition. His hands shake furiously as his mind catches up with the rest of him. Dustin must have jumped back through the gate at some point, without the rope or mattress, which explains the limp. Steve’s heart suddenly and fully aches for Dustin and all that he’s been through. Dustin finally, finally found someone to understand him completely, to share his passions, and to lead his insane imagination somewhere beneficial.

Impatiently, he waits in the car, engine stalling and doors open, for the others. Nancy comes first, out of breath but determined, biting her cheek. Robin is next, helping Dustin along, his labored breathing a rising crescendo of anxiety within Steve. On both of their faces, and he’s sure his as well, there are tear tracks through the grime.

He floors the gas pedal, ignoring stop signs and turning corners much too fast. Hawkins is grim and burning, buildings in pieces around them. Cursing comes from all around him, Nancy and Robin watching as the scenery of their home unravels as a horror movie. It almost feels like a nightmare, but it’s horrifyingly real.

Creel House comes into view. Any breath that Steve had left leaves him all at once in a devastated exhale.

Flashing red and blue lights blind his eyes from seeing beyond the wailing ambulance and police cars. Without turning the car off, he rushes out into the street, ducking past the officers and peering neighbors. There aren’t as many people watching as there usually would be, but Steve chalks that up to the whole town being exposed to their first inter-dimensional experience.

He thinks the rest are following behind him, but he doesn’t care; he just needs to know if Max is okay. If she’s laying broken on the floor.

Erica is sitting on the sidewalk, head in her hands. Without having to ask, she points towards the back of one of the ambulances. Steve leaves her with a sobbing Robin and heads towards the ambulance in a daze. Lucas is pacing near the side of it, rapid steps back and forth. When he sees Steve, he stops in his place, hands fidgeting at his sides.

“Is Max..?” Steve asks, fearing the worst based on Lucas’s puffy eyes and wet cheeks.

“She won’t wake up,” he says, desperation and fear on his tone. “But she’s alive.”

A shaky breath Steve didn’t know he was holding exits his chest, his shoulders physically losing some of their tension.

“She was dead. She stopped breathing,” Lucas wavers, tears filling his eyes again. Steve doesn’t think he’s ever seen Lucas cry, for all the times he’s been the one to go on late night check-ins.

Steve takes three bounding steps forward and grabs Lucas by the back of his neck, pulling him in tightly. For a second, Lucas’s hands remain floating in the air, but then he’s clutching Steve’s shirt tightly between his fingers.

“We were going to go see a movie,” Lucas whispers into Steve’s shoulders. “She was finally going to go to the movies with me.”

Steve can’t respond without choking on his words, so he holds Lucas tighter. Puts all the words he can’t say, can’t come up with, into the hug.

“Steve?” Lucas pulls away from the hug and looks into Steve’s eyes, fear written on his face. “We’re you crying before?”

Steve closes his eyes against the tightening in his throat and the pressure behind his eyes. His eyes scrunch up together in the way Eddie always made fun of him for, but this time he’s not here to smooth the wrinkle with a ringed ringer.

“Yeah, man, I was. Something- something went wrong down there. I don’t know what yet, but Eddie- he didn’t make it out.”

“Can we go back and get him?” Lucas asks earnestly, preparing for another fight already, picking the broken pieces of himself up.

“No, it’s not like that.” Steve balls his hands into fists and digs them into his eyes. He doesn’t want to talk about this. He wants to go into the woods and scream for hours, he wants

to curl up into a ball somewhere dark and never come out.

“Oh.” Lucas’s hands come up to his chest, wrapping them around himself. “Oh.” Steve’s heart breaks when Lucas’s face twists again into that agonized, hopeless look. His own face is a mirror of that look, he’s sure. There’s only so much support he can provide when he’s feeling so broken, so torn up, himself.

Steve nods and motions for Lucas to follow him. They make their way through concerned officers and panicked helpers to the curb where the rest of them sits. Dustin is a little further away getting help with his leg and holding his head in his hands.

It’s Erica’s turn to be crying, Steve sees. She’s leaning against Robin, arm around her neck, sobbing into her shoulder. “I just want him to be here,” she’s saying, over and over, words dissolving into cries and silent sobs.

“I know,” Robin agrees, her voice quiet. “I do too, kid.” Her eyes meet Steve’s, and she blinks her own tears away rapidly, taking a deep breath. Whether it’s for Steve’s sake or for her own he doesn’t know, but he appreciates the reminder anyway. “We all do.”

Steve wants nothing more for that familiar, teasing voice to fill the air and tell them to stop crying. He wishes to catch a glimpse of uncontrollable black curls bouncing around Family Video and asking him for movie recommendations. He hopes to hear Metallica playing at an insanely loud volume when he’s picking Max up from her trailer.

But none of those things are things he’s going to have again, at least not in the way he wants. He’s sure he’ll get blurs of them in dreams, more commonly in nightmares. No matter how firmly Steve believes in fairy-tale endings and happily ever after, Eddie can’t be part of his or anyone else’s. Eddie’s role in history is cemented as a hero only a few of them will recognize.

Steve believes one thing for certain, though. Things would be so much easier if Eddie was here.

#steddie #steve x eddie #steve harrington fic #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve harrington x eddie munson #eddie munson x steve harrington #steddie fic #steddie fanfic #steddie angst #major character death

[lifeofafangirl1234]

The New Girl (Pt.3)

“You saw me with Chrissy so you cancelled our date?” Eddie asked. “Do you know how fucking crazy that sounds?”

“Don’t treat me like I’m insane Eddie. I know what I saw.”

“I’m not denying that you saw Chrissy and I. I just don’t know how that adds up to you going and ending up with Jason?”

“So you were with Chrissy?”

“For Christ sakes! I was with Chrissy last night, yes!”

“Why?” I sighed. “Why were you with Chrissy after I left?”

“Why does it matter!?” He almost yelled.

“Because you asked me out! You acted like you liked me.” I argued back. “Was this some sick game?”

“No.” Eddie whispered. “It was never a game.”

“Then why were you with Chrissy?”

“I....we.... I can’t.”

“Got it.”

“(Y/N) listen to me. There is nothing going on between Chrissy and I. I swear to God.” 

“Then tell me what is going on. Prove to me that I’m being crazy!”

“I can’t (Y/N).”

“Thought so.” I sighed. “Nice talking to you Eddie.” 

I walked away and found an empty classroom to sob in. How could I fall for someone so quickly? It’s been less than 48 hours and I’m already hurt. Plus, Chrissy hates me. What did I get myself into?

The final bell rang and I was at my locker packing my backpack. I looked down the hallway to see Chrissy coming my way. She approached my locker and I broke down.

“I’m so sorry Chrissy.” I almost cried.

“Me too.” She smiled. “I really like hanging out with you (Y/N) and even though it’s been a day I feel like we’ve been friends a lifetime. I have a lot going on that is hard to explain.”

“I like hanging out with you too. Maybe we can do a sleepover and you can explain everything to me?”

“You’re on.” She confirmed.

Later that night, Chrissy came over with a bag packed full of snacks and movies. 

“So about today.” I whispered. “Um, I just need to know. What is going on with you and Eddie?”

“Absolutely nothing is going on (Y/N). I promise you.”

I wanted to ask more. I needed to ask more. But I stayed quiet. I stopped myself from ruining things again. But I think Chrissy saw me struggling.

“(Y/N).” Chrissy whispered.

My heart sunk into my ass.

“Yeah?” I answered.

“I was buying drugs from Eddie.” She confessed. “We aren’t hooking up, we aren’t dating. There is absolutely nothing between Eddie and I.”

I sat there confused for a bit.

“Why didn’t you just tell me today?” I asked.

“I have an image to uphold. Plus, if anyone found out I’d be kicked off the squad.” She explained. “My anxiety has been really bad and I heard that weed can help it. And who better to ask than the town drug dealer.”

“But.. I saw you two. It seemed like you guys were flirting, he was beaming with every word.”

“He couldn’t stop talking about you (Y/N). All he talked about was how great you were and how excited he was to go on a date with you.”

“Really?” I whispered.

“He likes you a lot (Y/N). Like a lot a lot.”

FUCK. I fucked up.

“I yelled at him. I told him that Jason was right. That he was a freak.” I started to panic. “I thought he was two timing me. I.... I messed up.”

“Breath.” Chrissy said. “You can talk to him tomorrow.”

“I can’t wait until tomorrow. I need to talk to him now. Please tell me you know where he lives.”

“I’ve bought drugs at his place a couple of times.” She chuckled. “Go, I’ll cover for you.”

I gave her a big hug and snuck out my window. I ran into the woods towards the trailer park where Chrissy said Eddie lived. When I arrived I panicked not knowing which house was his. I heard heavy metal music blasting from a house on the far left. I think I have a 99% chance of knocking on the right door.

I took a deep breath and knocked on the door.

“What are you doing here?” Eddie asked.

“We should talk.” 

He welcomed me into his house. All I wanted to do was rip off his clothes, pull his hair and show him how sorry I really was. But, I couldn’t do that. Not after the shit I pulled today.

“Eddie. I am so sorry.”

“About what (Y/N)? Accusing me of playing sick games? Calling me a freak?” 

“All of it.” I whispered. “I was so wrong.”

“When I saw you with Chrissy, I thought the worst. I thought you were playing me, that it was some sick trick to fuck with the cool kids.”

“I can’t believe you think I would do that.”

“Eddie, I don’t even know what to think right now. Everything is crazy. I don’t know anything about anything. Except I do know one thing. I was completely and utterly wrong. I fucked up and I know there is nothing I could do to make it up to you.”

“Eddie, I really really like you and I got scared of being hurt again. I’ve been cheated on before and played with. I didn’t want to do it again. I’m sorry I made assumptions and I’m sorry I was a fucking bitch.”

I tried to catch my breath but I kept rambling.

“And you’re an amazing friend to Chrissy. You could have ratted her out to convince me you weren’t together. But you knew how important it was for her secret to be kept. I am so sorry about my actions and I will do anything to prove how sorry I am.”

“Anything?” He smirked from under his fingers.

“Anything.” I stated confidently.

“Beg.” He demanded.

“Wh....what?” That’s not what I was expecting.

“Beg for forgiveness.” 

I got down on my knees in front of him, begging for forgiveness.

“Oh Eddie the Great, please forgive me. I apologize greatly about my actions. You are high and mighty and deserve only the best. Please forgive me and let me make it up to you.”

“Stand up princess.” He said as he helped you off the floor. “I forgive you.”

I couldn’t control myself and jumped into his arms.

“I’m so so sorry Eddie.” I cried.

“(Y/N). It’s okay.” He chuckled.

He helped me stand on my own two feet before wiping a tear off my cheek. 

“Things happen. You made a mistake. And so did I. I should have told you about why I go to that spot in the woods. I go there to sell.” He sighed. “I didn’t want you to know.”

“I don’t give a shit Eddie. Fuck, I’d smoke with you if I knew.”

“Oh yeah?” He seemed surprise. “Down to smoke?”

“After the day I’ve had, I definitely need it.”

He lit a joint and we sat and smoked.

“So, you live here alone?”

“Kind of.” He explained. “I live here with my uncle but he works a lot. Right now he’s on a business trip. Honestly, he’s not around much.”

“What about your parents?” I asked before catching myself. “Oh I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to impose.”

“Don’t worry princess.” He smirked. “They ran out when I turned 15. Said I was old enough to fend for myself.”

“I’m sorry Eddie.” I sighed. 

“Don’t be.” Eddie laughed. “It’s given me character.”

We sat and talked a little longer before I realized the time.

“Fuck!” I panicked. “I have to go before my parents find out I left.”

“This time I’m walking you home.” Eddie demanded.

“Fine.” I smirked. “Only because I owe you.”

We left his house and trekked through the woods.

“I really would like to take you out on a date sometime soon.” Eddie said. “Would you, maybe, wanna go on a date with me?”

“I will 100% go on a date with you Eddie Munson. Friday night, your place? Pizza and a movie?”

“You got it sweetheart.” He smiled.

We stood at the opening of the woods where the trees meet the street.

“I’m really glad we figured this all out.” I sighed.

“You have no idea.” Eddie laughed.

“Eddie?”

“Yeah?”

“I can’t wait for our date.” I whispered as we separated.

“Me neither.” Eddie smiled.

As went were about to go in for a second kiss, a car sped down the street.

“What the fuck?” We both asked confused.

The car pulled up next to us and Eddie stepped in front of me. The driver side door flew open and Jason stepped out.

“So you ditched me tonight for this freak?” Jason growled.

“What do you mean I ditched you?” 

“We had plans to go for a drive tonight. I came to pick you up and Chrissy said you ran to the store. I thought I’d come back and check on you but it seems you’re doing perfectly fine.”

“Yeah, she is.” Eddie said. “We had a great night.”

“What did you say freak?”

“(Y/N) and I had a great night.” Eddie repeated.

Jason looked at me and could see I wasn’t myself.

“What did you do to her?” Jason growled.

“What the fuck are you talking about Jason?” I asked.

“You’re high.” Jason stated. “I can see it in your eyes. Did you drug her?”

“Are you dumb?” Eddie asked.

I could feel the tension boiling and knew I had to disperse it.

“Listen Jason. I totally forgot about our plans tonight. Chrissy wanted to do a sleepover and I agreed. We were having fun doing our girl stuff and my dog got out. I ran to chase him and ran into Eddie. We hung out and he offered to walk me home.” 

Jason looked suspicious while Eddie gave me a weird look.

“There is no need to fight or anything. It’s late. I’m home safe. Please just let me go to bed. Please.”

They both sighed and stepped back from each other.

“I’m just glad you’re home safe (Y/N).” Jason said. “I’ll walk you to the door.”

I looked at Eddie and nodded my head.

“Thank you for getting me home safely Eddie. I appreciate it.” I smiled. “I owe you one.”

“Anytime sweetheart.” He retreated back into the woods as Jason walked me to the door.

“You need to steer clear of Eddie Munson (Y/N). You are too smart and beautiful to be hanging out with the likes of him.”

“He’s a good guy Jason.” I sighed. “You need to give him a chance.”

“Yeah, that’ll be a cold day in hell.” 

“Thank you Jason.” I faintly smiled as we approached the door. “Have a good night.”

I closed the door and ran upstairs to find Chrissy sleeping in my bed. I changed into my pajamas and passed out right next to her.

Part 2 | Part 4

#eddie munson #Eddie x reader #stranger things #Joseph quinn #Eddie fanfic #Eddie edit #eddie the banished

[dzpenumbra]

2/15/23

Things have been in a pretty steady decline lately. I'm sure it's pretty apparent in my writing. Today was especially difficult.

I'm just turning off a skate video I had on so I can focus on this. I should really get this out. I heard back from my old therapist, the one who worked with me the summer before the pandemic and bridging through the beginning and peak of it. He was very nice, thoughtful and kind in how he responded. But I did not process the response well. At all.

I'm still trying to think more positively, see the silver lining, all that. I really am trying. But there's something very deep and very... hurt... that got set off. Again. He's not going to help me. I swear to god, the most common phrase I've heard out of people in the mental health field over the past 5 years has been "I can't help you" or "I don't know how to help you". Can any of you just like... point me in the direction of someone who can?! I mean, it's not like... once you just walk away and say "sorry dude, I can't be your friend", or whatever they're saying to me... it's not like my problems just... disappear. It's like they expect me to just wake up someday and just... be a different person... who doesn't have the struggles that I have. That I'm just going to snap out of it and suddenly my life will just fall together.

So I try to be patient. I try to be proactive. I do my research, both internally and externally. I study. I learn. I strategize. But... what fucking good is my study, what good is my research and strategizing when I only have half a fucking picture?! I don't have perspective. And the fucked up part? Most people detest perspective. It usually sets them off. Critique, criticism, feedback, whatever phrase you want for it. Most conflicts I've witnessed involved this. I need perspective. And the whole fucking state is making me jump through hoops for this, not a single person is volunteering to assist.

Right now I'm referring to the ADHD screening, I can tell I'm being vague. Let me sum up the history here. Problems in highschool - ADD screening: positive. Got a diagnosis and a 504 plan. I was in special education for a fucking year, when my older brother was valedictorian, talk about humiliating. Flunk out of my first semester of college due to PTSD - ADD screening: positive. Got into a special education college which I promptly dropped out of because they tried to cram me in a dorm room with 2 other students, one of which brought his girlfriend over to stay the night on my first night there and... brought back even more trauma. And, on top of that, I got screened for ADD a third time back in... probably 2017 or 2018? And they never fucking gave me my results. I drove an hour to this medical building that was like completely empty, I sat in a silent room with someone and did this stupid test thing, and never got the fucking results. I was just so fed up at that point, I just gave up on it.

Now, 2023. And I can't get my current therapist, my former therapist or my brand new GP to just sit down for one fucking hour so I can either confirm this and start studying new skills... or cross it off the list and look deeper, try to understand how my trauma, depression and anxiety are creating these insanely disruptive barriers. I feel like all I do is just... wait. I just fucking wait for people to give me one hour of their time. And at that point, the pressure on me to make months worth of progress in one fucking hour is just... it's impossible. The pressure cracks me.

This may be hard for others to relate to, but this is something extremely familiar to me, try to imagine this. Imagine you are living 100% alone. That means no calls, no texts, no friends, no family. And your only social interaction is one 45 minute Zoom meeting. Per week. I doubt most people can even imagine that. Like... I don't even know how to catch others up on how much has even happened in that week in less than an hour, let alone talk about super important shit. And when all your social needs are condensed into one venue, it overwhelms people, it repels them. I swear, this shit is disastrous.

And I just feel really fucking lost and powerless. I don't know who I am. I don't know why I struggle so much with such simple things. I've been waiting for over 2 months to just... explore this possibility. And here I am.

My old therapist gave me the names of two places he could refer me to. Yeah, I know, after that tirade, right? Yeah. It'll make sense in a minute. There's a doctor in my area he can refer me to, but he doesn't know the guy personally. And... he can refer me to a Psychiatry place... that I used to go to 10 years ago. The place where my med problems all started. Where the floodgates were opened. And, being completely honest, just reading the name of that place just made me collapse in on myself. Like... wow... I'm literally exactly where I started. A fucking decade down the drain. For what?

Sounds like depression? Correct!

I'm tired. I'm tired of being tossed around for different people to study and pick apart and figure out what's broken in me and try to mold me into their ideal version of a human. I'm tired of trying so fucking --- I can't even let myself type it. Like I didn't even finish the thought and went "you could try fucking harder and you know it." Good lord. I'm so mean to myself. -_-

All of my life, all I've wanted was to make cool videos, or make cool music, or make cool art. For people. For friends. For people like me. For people who want to experience cool stuff. I want to share the interesting things I've learned, the unique perspective I have, the skills I've devoted countless hours to developing. I want to share my passions. And no one seems to want to share them. Not my friends, not my family, no one. No one even really seems to miss me when I'm not there. And that really just... it makes me feel... obsolete. It makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. Like there's something wrong with me. Like I'm not trying hard enough. Like I'm not good enough, interesting enough, attractive enough, in shape enough, funny enough. Like I am not worth seeking out. Like my contributions, my perspective, my self, are easily replaceable.

And the only venue I can think of to go to in a hail mary for social connection is basically just becoming a cesspool of advertisements, corporate shills and carbon copy fad-chasers. And the audience isn't much better, and they all seem very satisfied with what they are consuming. And I miss my people, man. I miss my fucking people. Because Twitch isn't my fucking people anymore. Call of Duty hasn't been my people since like fucking 2009. Minecraft hasn't been my people since they sold out to Microsoft and rebranded to target microtransactions to children. I just... I don't really know where my people are. Or how to find them. And honestly, I'm not even really sure entirely who my people are anymore.

There are some skaters I get along with, but we're a ragtag bunch and there are a lot that I don't. There were a lot of gamers that I got along with, but gaming got so fucking big that like... the title "gamer" could mean anything from a retiree to a high school jock. I could try to connect with fellow artists, but I honestly don't know how or where.

I guess I'm just scared. Scared of rolling the dice, after looking around at my friend roster and realizing that not a single one of them really cared that much about me, they just cared about how they felt when they were around me. How I made them feel. How I would visit them, and entertained them, and listened to them, and inflated their ego. And the second I asked them to get involved in my life in a meaningful way? KABOOM. Screamed at. Like I just cussed out the Lord himself. Not even exaggerating. It's so surreal looking back at it, like... I never really though people actually acted that way in real life. Even in the moment, I was like... "what are they misunderstanding?" "They can't possibly believe this is too much to ask..."

So yeah, all of this, all this shitstorm that's pouring onto the page right now, that's been swirling around in my head like a poison soup all goddamn day. And I have no idea what to do about it. And frankly, I'm ready to just throw it on a shelf and say fuck the mental health, I just wanna make cool beads for right now. So let me catch you up on what I did today.

I measured out a bracelet mala. The number of beads is symbolic, I guess it's derived from Buddhism, but also Hinduism (which is more of a collection of belief systems than an actual religion). Typically they are multiples of 9, the standard is 108, which I'm guessing my necklace is. I decided to try 27 out, to see how that worked length-wise. I had to downsize it to smaller beads but the size worked decently, it's just weird because since the cordage isn't elastic... I need to have it be big enough to squeeze over my hand, but not big enough to fall off. And it does, it fits pretty well and doesn't fall off, it's just very loose fitting. From there, I did a test bead. I did a black basecoat and some very basic opaque pink line work over it. From there, I did 5 layers of Mod Podge in about 30 minute intervals. Then I sanded it, which I think I fucked up a little bit by not wet-sanding it, unfortunately. I don't know why, I just had it in my head that like... if I wet sanded... the glaze was going to dissolve or something. Like... it better not... XD But I used water very sparingly in the rough sanding and I think I paid for it. So next time I'm going to do a 600 grit instead of 400 and I'm going to make sure I wet sand. But even with the slip ups, I brought it to a nice buff shine and it looks pretty good, it looks like it could be plastic. I think that's going to work nicely.

The next thing I need to figure out, which was baking my noodle (thanks The Oracle for getting that stuck in my head since the 90's), was how to get these beads on some kind of thing that stably rotates. Like a lathe, but... for painting. So I can get nice symmetrical equatorial lines. I'm giving up on longitudinal lines, I'll wing that shit, but latitudinal symmetry makes a very big visual impact and I'd really like to get that figured out. So, in my head, I'm picturing some kind of mount to fit a wooden dowel into. The wooden dowel needs to be the right size for the holes in these beads, enough to snugly fit and hold them. Then the dowel sits in the mount and I can put a crank on the other end of the dowel. The crucial part of that is that the beads do not move. Or... I can just continue to freestyle it. Either way.

I'm tempted to take another trip to Michal's and see if they have any kind of contraption like this. It would make my life so much easier. To paint that bead, I had to wrap a piece of paper around an eyelet screw, put the screw in the vice, and then flip the bead when it was time to do the other side. It... wasn't the most convenient setup. All in all, though, I've had some decent results from these past 2 days of bead medium tests. I'm excited to see what this culminates to.

I have also had a project in mind for my mom. I think it might actually be a really thoughtful and helpful thing for her. I got a bunch of garnet beads for her christmas gift that... never really got made. Fights and all that. I had all the materials, but... I just... it's really hard to make a gift for someone who is fighting with you, you know? So... the beads and the centerpiece just kinda sat there for months. And her birthday came and went and all that. So... I was thinking of making a small mala with them, with the intention of passing it along with some documentation on what they are for. I want to try to use mine to experiment with mantra meditation, prayer and all that, which is very new to me. But she may find use from this in a very practical way through... grounding. Hell, maybe I need one deliberately intended for that as well. The intention is to have every bead represent a breath and to track your breathing exercise with it. So I was just thinking, maybe I should split it. Do 9 garnets, then a... something different, maybe a wooden bead, to mark an interval. Then repeat that twice, but the last one is a distinctly bigger one intended to signify the end of the cycle. They call that the guru bead. So you can do smaller breathing sequences with it too, not just the big 27 breath one, which might be a tall order in the middle of a heated conflict or a busy workday or something. Or at least it might seem like one. But 9 breaths? I think we can all make time for that. And the tactile nature of it lets you keep your eyes closed and know where you are, and if you want to do another 9? Just keep going. The intention is to use the tactile, maybe even smell association(I read people will douse the tassel in essential oil sometimes), to bring awareness back to the present moment. Especially in a moment of acute stress or panic, overwhelm, whatever it might be. To take a second, breathe, let the rest go for a minute until you get to the wooden bead, then choose how you want to go forward with a clear mind.

The more I talk about this, the more I am making myself aware that I need to practice this more as well. I'm sure it's going to be glaringly obvious to me when I read this back, too. (edit: It is.)

Before I wrap up, I should mention. Today was really hard for me emotionally. It was a such lonely day. And it's mine. The most loneliest day of my liiiiiife. (sorry) I don't know about downstairs, because I can't hear them - though they can probably hear me, sorry... - but all of my other neighbors are couples. From about 5:30 on, I had happy couples in fuckin surround sound. And here I am. More alone than I've ever been. It just sucked. I even made cookies and it didn't make it better. So yeah. Just...

I've had like... maybe two decent Valentine's Days my entire life. I've had maybe 5 Valentine's Days where I was actually in a relationship in my life. And I'm a romantic. And, to be blunt, the women who received my generous romance, they didn't deserve it. And they didn't appreciate it. And they sorta... planted seeds in my head that it wasn't worth being romantic in those ways, that it will be undervalued and unappreciated. I'm really sad that I let myself walk away from those gestures. But I'm really glad that I'm no longer there. Because once I find my partner, they're going to get the most thoughtful, kind, loving gestures from me, with no reservations. Because if I feel I need to hold back those expressions, I must learn from my past relationships and really try to understand why. Why would I not want to shower them with my genuine affection? Because others took advantage of it, and didn't even want it? Or is it because I feel like my partner won't believe it's genuine? Or that they will reject it or find it overbearing? If those are the case, I'd need to address those immediately, because it might be incompatibility.

Good lord, even my fictional relationships are dysfunctional! <head in hands>

I need to find a good place to meet people like me, where I will feel comfortable and not utterly overwhelmed. I thought the internet was going to help with that, but it's changed so much over the past 5+ years. I don't know where the real people are anymore. So... I might have to just give up on that and brave the real world. Which seems more likely to bring me a solid connection in my life: a yoga studio, a weird witchcraft store, a zen center, a board game shop, a small coffee shop? I honestly don't know. But one of these days coming up, I'm going to try one. I mean it. I just need to cultivate the confidence, because my confidence meter is like an imperceptible sliver right now.

Good vibes to end on? I've been playing Rimworld offline. I haven't really let myself enjoy it because of that but... the main character got married, which made me really happy. I went to get my cookies out of the oven and the game is on No Pause Challenge, so it was just running without me, and I came back and Lissandra and Slick were getting married! It made me so happy. They both worked night shift together, it's how they met. She's a sanguophage, the revered holy leader of the colony, and he was a young former criminal refugee, who she has now given the gift of immortality. So basically, the high priestess and the janitor became lovers because he was a night owl and she's a vampire. So... I guess he won the jackpot as far as climbing the social ladder goes! They seem really happy together so far, and I'm very curious to see if they naturally try for kids or not (I'm very new to the new DLC mechanics) and whether the sanguophage (vampire) gene can be passed on through birth or only through gene conversion. I did lose my other starter colonist, Omni, she was such an amazing soul. She was a level 18 builder with a 12+ specialization in architecture, and... for a tribal... that's really goddamn impressive. It was a very painful loss. She got jacked by a cheetah doing field work, no one could get to her in time. It sucked. A lot. But, that's life, and we move on. Lissandra will plan a ceremony for her soon. And I quit right after getting an insane raid that did a shit ton of damage so my colonists are going to have a lot of cleaning up and mourning to do tomorrow. I chose to do Rimworld again because it's a game I can actually have play itself in the background while I do art. Not a lot of games work like that.

Alright, bed. Here's hoping for an easier day tomorrow. Maybe I can even get out into nature? Or to Michael's? We'll see.

#diary #journal #online journal #stream of consciousness #stream of thoughts

[btsqualityy]

A little glimpse from one of Carson and Min-seo's therapy session (I tried! Lol!)

"Seo, you told me last time your most important symtomps. Which the biggest one is anxiety and in general, anxious thoughts. Right?" Her therapist asks to her.

"Yes" she nods, looking down at her husband's hand caressing her thigh.

"So, today I want to address the elephant in the room, if you let me call it like that: you not bonding with your son. Do you want to tell be about it?" Her therapist asks again softly.

"Sure uhm... I really don't know how to explain this because I'm afraid I will misunderstood but.. It’s just feels so different from when I had Kai"

"Can you explain?"

"When I had Kai it was just the most beautiful moment of my life. Like, when everything happens for a reason you know?"

"It was also shortly after our wedding" Carson adds.

"Yes, that too. Kai is our honeymoon baby and I'll cherish those moments forever, and I can't wait to tell him when he's older. I mean, he was unplanned too but I was ready to become a mom at that point. When I held him for the first time I... I just couldn't believe it. He was a part of me a few moments ago and then a whole human being with his little face and hands and toes" Seo tears up at the sweet memory "I felt so vulnerable the first few weeks home with Kai because he was completely dependent from me, you know? I was his mommy and I had to protect him. Well, I don't feel that way with Ash" that's when she stops, tears already falling down from her cheeks. Carson brings her hand to his mouth to give it a kiss and then hands her a tissue.

"It's like I am babysitting someone else's baby. Yes, he's cute and adorable. Yes, I care about him, I cuddle and nurse him, but I don't feel like.. like I am his mommy."

"And how does this make you feel?"

"How does it make me feel?" Seo repeats sarcastically "It makes me feel like shit. Because he doesn't deserve to have a mom like me and what will I tell him when he's older? That I cried my eyes out the day I found out I was pregnant? That he was an accident? That his mom didn't love him at first?"

"Everything you're saying is valid and you know what? Perfectly normal" her therapist reassures her "when having a traumatic birth, it's quite difficult for mothers to bond and it could take them months for that to happen. And you're right! You may not love your son now, or feel a connection with him, but you will, eventually."

"That's what I tell her all the time" Carson interrupts and moves his chair closer to his wife before speaking"I'm sure Ash doesn't even notice since he's still a baby. He's also so loved and spoiled by our parents and his uncles and aunties" he adds with a smile

"He's completely right" the therapist confirms "and if you're worried about the future, it's best to put things in perspective. You said Ash was an accident. An unplanned baby, yes. But he was also born because his parents loved each other so much and love is unpredictable. You don't have to go into details" she giggles.

"That's a nice way to put it out" Minseo whispers.

"Which is also the truth" her therapist smiles at her.

.....................

"So basically us being parents that love each other so much is a PG13 way to say that we were horny as fuck and I hate condoms" Carson says as he's cuddling her in bed

"Carson, I swear to God, stop" Seo rolls her eyes but he can tell she's close to smiling

"You know it's true" he laughs and leans over to kiss her. She sighs as she welcomes the kiss, a well-known burning sensation settling in her stomach as she feels him hiking up her nightgown slightly. Carson moves his kisses all over her face and neck, and it doesn’t seem like it's gonna end soon

"Oh my godness Car, let me breath a little" she giggles

"Hey! You know physical touch is my love language"

".... you don't say..." She smiles again, and her eyes soften when he whispers in her ear

"We'll get through this together yeah? I love you so much" She nods and whispers back "I love you more" before meeting his lips in a passionate kiss.

I love this 🥺🥺🥺Seo would have so much guilt over how she feels about Ash’s birth, and Carson would be determined to help her any way that he could 🥹

#adult carson

[cryptonyx]

𓅪 A Crow’s Boundaries! 𓅪

Y’all cool as fuck, but heed the rules, please. <33 - Crypto

𓅪 Ask Rules & General Boundaries! 𓅪

- no NSFW, racism, homophobia, transphobia, etc.! just be a generally decent being.

- swearing in asks & in general perfectly ok- HOWEVER, no slurs, even if you can say them pls and ty

- NO CRITIQUE ON MY WORKS UNLESS I ASK FOR IT, THANKS <3

- no personal info in my asks! (location, age, etc.) ‘preciate it :)

- no reposting my art or works. ever. not even with “credit”-because I won’t give it. only exceptions are commissions done by me posted by the commissioner on their page, and those MUST be with credit to me, preferably linked back to my account.

- do not my print out my art without asking. ok for personal use (with permission), definitely NOT for public or profit. do not do this. I will sue you.

- ask for permission to use art as profile pictures or wallpapers! I’m more than happy to give it, but I’d rather know that it’s being used and that it’s going to be used with credit. thanks <3

- DO NOT ASK ME FOR (extremely) PERSONAL INFO. General rule of thumb - If you wouldn’t want it asked of you, do NOT ask me.

If we do not know each other personally, do NOT ask me for my name, or call me something other than Crypto or Crypti. Just a personal preference :)

- this really shouldn’t have to be said, but if you are a or support pedophiles, incest, homophobes, AI “art[ists]”, cryptocurrency, cryptobros, etc, get the fuck off my page.

- sex work is cool! but please do not interact with me if you are a page solely for NSFW and porn. thank you, I appreciate you, have a nice day <33

𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪𓅪

𓅪 Rules About Writing & Fics! 𓅪

DO:

@ me with fanart for my fics or ocs! I enjoy seeing everything you make :D

Leave comments, reblog, kudos, etc! Appreciated & encouraged.

If you’re inspired by me, feel free to make something with that inspiration, as long as the idea is credited back to me! Any spinoffs or oneshots about my fics or series must be credited back to me as the original author.

Ask me questions about my fics! I absolutely adore sharing lore or info someone might’ve missed on their read through. Additionally, I LOVE hearing theories about things!! I most likely won’t confirm or deny things to keep an air of surprise and suspense about things, but. I may lead you astray with red herrings. Just a fair warning. ;)

Ask me if you can make physical copies of fics!! As long as it’s for personal use, that’s cool as shit and the answer will almost always be yes.

DON’T:

Repost my works. Ever. No cross-posting, no reposting with credit. If I find a work of mine on a website other than my ao3, I will get it taken down. Please don’t do this, thanks.

Translate my fics without asking/permission. I think it’s really cool that someone would want to translate my fics, and I’m more than ok with it-with permission.

Do not sell my works. Literally, wtf?

Pester respective CCs about my fics. It’s a lot more anxiety inducing and bothersome to both parties than you think. Even if you really enjoy something I’ve written, for the love of god, do not shove it in their faces. Christ alive.

Take works out of context. What do I mean by this? Tags are there for a reason. If it wasn’t tagged, it either didn’t happen, or you can ask me (in my asks) if it’s a theme. If I don’t answer it-or if I do-the answer is no, it wasn’t, or I’m gonna clown on you for bein’ a weirdo. Publicly. Exceptions are if it was an innocent question, because then you’re cool and thank you for askin! You’ll know if it’s a weird question to ask because it will be one of the things I’ve already said for you to fuck off my page for.

 DO NOT PESTER ME TO ADD ON TO FICS OR SERIES, OR PESTER ME ABOUT WHEN THE NEXT CHAPTER OR PART IS GOING TO BE PUBLISHED. I will clown on you publicly, block you on all of the platforms I know you to be on, and delay whatever time I was going to post the next part by a month. I am completely serious. Bad apples ruin it for everybody else, sorry guys.

If you check my pinned post and it says that a fic or series is discontinued, it’s discontinued. End of story.

#a crow caws #crypto cryptonyx's boundaries #rules for interaction #cryptonyx cryptfern

[purplesurveys]

1455

survey by -xoxo

Do you have a gay uncle? I have a feeling, but that’s it. 

Do you have braces? Not at the moment, but I used to have them as a teenager.

Do you like ice cream cake? No, I honestly don’t get the point but that’s also probably because I am not a big fan of ice cream.

Do you wash your hair everyday? I try to, but sometimes it ends up being every other day.

Do you have trouble sticking to promises? Not at all; I’d do anything to keep them.

Have you ever made out with someone of the same sex? Yep.

Do you have pothead neighbors? Uhhhhh no, at least I don’t think I do.

Do you know how to change a tire? Nah, that’s something I’d have to make calls for should it ever happen.

How big is your backyard? Big enough for the dogs to theoretically run around in. I do wish we could add things that could liven up the space a bit more, like dedicating a corner to have a table and chairs for when we’re having guests over, maybe a string of fairy lights and such; but it’s just not a financial priority.

What kind of headphones do you have? I don’t own headphones but I do have a pair of white earphones. It’s just this generic pair that I got from Mumuso but it does its job really well, so there are little to no complaints from me.

Do you ever dream of yourself dying? I have had a few nightmares where it has happened, but I typically wake up the moment I ‘die’ in the dream - usually in a heaving, heart-pounding mess.

Do you know any Simmish words? xD I mean, are Simmish words a ‘thing’ i.e. they have words that technically exist? I just thought it was a bunch of flabba gabba neener gibberish lmao.

Where is your second home!? That would be my university alma mater.

Ever used a swear word the wrong way and sounded completely stupid? No? I’m not sure how you could use a swear word incorrectly, either.

Do you have a webcam? Yups.

Do you know what 143 means? I do.

How often do you go to parties? Not very frequently. You’ll find me in bars every now and then though.

Do you sleep in awkward positions? I sometimes will, but for the most part I sleep on my side with my arms wrapped around a pillow which is fairly a normal position to sleep in.

Do you experience a lot with new looks on yourself? I’m not sure what this question is supposed to ask.

What are you doing right now? Taking this survey while half-watching, half-listening to a 2 Days 1 Night episode in the background. Oh and also occasionally taking a sip of coffee.

Do you wish you had more money? Yeah.

If your computer shut down for a month, would you die!? I don’t think so because I’d have my phone to do personal stuff with, and my work laptop to continue being functional at my job. I think the biggest inconvenience would be not being able to take surveys, though.

What song always makes you sad? Find Me Here, Hayley Williams.

Have you ever played a game that required removing your clothes? Hmm, I don’t think so.

Where is your favorite place to be kissed? Cheek or hair.

Do you ever quote your favorite movie in normal conversations? Never. It’s not a very quotable film to begin with.

Do people ever tell you that you look stoned when you're not? No, I literally never get that comment.

Do you suffer from anxiety or depression? I probably do with the former, but I’ve never been diagnosed.

Waffles or pancakes!? Waffles.

What kind of car do you drive? I have a Mitsubishi Mirage.

What are you wearing right now? Rainbow-striped top with a pair of gray shorts.

Have you ever seen The Happening? No.

Where were you on Valentine's Day? Oooooh I don’t actually remember...I think Valentine’s this year had been a weekday? in which case I was 100% at home working.

Do you think Hallmark holidays are pointless? I have no idea what those are.

What is the exact time that you were born? 9:11 PM.

Where did you live in 2000? Same city I live in now.

What do you do when vending machines steal your money? I’ve never experienced that but I imagine I’d just accept the situation and walk away, then find another place to get the thing I intended to get from the vending machine.

What do you do on a typical Friday night? Order in food then do a mix of taking surveys/watching BTS clips/playing Rhythm Hive on my phone. Sometimes I’ll plan a night out with friends.

Are you currently using a laptop or desktop? Laptop. I haven’t used a desktop since high school, lol.

Do hospitals freak you out? They kind of do, yeah. I honestly thought I could stomach hospitals until I had to make a hospital visit myself a couple of months ago to visit my mom post-surgery. Two main things that made me feel unsettled: 1) the fact that there could be people behind some of those ward doors in critical/bad condition, and 2) all. the damn. tubes. and. needles.

What about cemeteries at night? No, not really. I remember visiting one late at night before a few years back and the whole experience was more fascinating then eerie to me.

Do you floss your teeth every day? No, not everyday.

Do you have any nervous habits? Biting my nails is one. I also fidget in my seat a lot.

What is your favorite Nintendo 64 game? We never got to have an N64.

Can you count to 100 in Spanish? Yes, because we count the same way in Filipino. We usually use the Spanish terms (adjusted to Filipino spelling) when referring to money, so words like bente, trenta, kwarenta, etc.

Were you mean as a little kid? I definitely had an attitude but I wouldn’t say I was destructive. My mean-ness was mostly channeled toward other kids but I was well-behaved when it came to everything else.

What's bothering you right now? I’m super antsy about the election results later. I don’t plan on sleeping tonight since we’ll be leaving the house by 6 AM anyway to cast our votes, so I plan to distract myself all night.

Have you ever given your number to someone then later regretted it? Nope.

#survey #surveys

[vesperewrites]

Ik you probably want to bury this subject so it's ok if you don't respond, but seeing so many people talk about how new writers for lcmd aren't as good, or how old ones were "seasoned" writers is really disheartening. One, because I feel like this goes so far against fandom etiquette where everyone is appreciated and everyone understands that this is literally free content that people share for fun. I've been in fandom since 13y.o. and it was always a huge no-no to even imply someone's writing isn't good - I swear fandom has become much more unwelcoming in recent years.

Two, I'm also kind of discouraged to do anything for the fandom myself, because I stopped being creative around 4 years ago and reentering creative spaces like the lcmd fandom makes me want to draw and write again, especially because there are so many people here that I want to interact with more, but I feel like nothing will be appreciated. Especially with how much people accuse others of jealousy, or of being "talentless" or "contributing nothing to the fandom"... so now I really want to interact with others and be creative but am too scared to.

On a positive note, seeing you saying that you only really started writing a year ago and having read one of your works I am amazed at how incredible your writing is! I read Sovereign Deadly Perfect and I remember thinking "this person has been writing for YEARS they should be writing BOOKS" your prose, vocabulary and character study is all so amazing and to find out you've only cultivated that talent for a year is very inspiring. Sorry to add more to whatever that shitstorm of anons was, but thank you for writing for this fandom and defending authors!

Hi Anon (you can choose an emoji if you want me to specifically address you, if you like!), 

Oh, I don’t mind discourse at all, provided that it is done in good faith! Disagreements are healthy and I respect people's opinions/experiences. See here.

To your first point: Yeah, I agree with you. It does go against basic fandom etiquette. I’m not disheartened at all, but I find it discouraging for other people. I think it’s important to note that the sample size is so small. Even if a few people (let’s say, twenty people on TL as an example) all say, “lol new stuff sucks”, that’s their opinion, and isn’t indicative of the entire fandom as a whole. :] There’s a lot of folks without twt/tumblr that comment. Or people that silently kudos.

Fanfic and fanart is free! It’s for the fandom. It’s not done to “elevate the quality” /mustache twirl lol.

Personally, I think 1-3(?) anons saying whatever they want as a means to instigate something is childish (calling people delulu isn’t discourse btw. See here.) Don’t let a few ppl ruin or dictate your fun. Even if it were 10 neg anon asks in your inbox, chances are, it’s the same person trying to bully you out or to seek a reaction. It's important to understand the motivations of those people is meant to scare and harass you. Which isn't okay, but I refuse to let anyone do that to me. The block button is there if I need it. Curating your online space is super important.

To your second point, I totally understand that fear and anxiety completely! I was in the same boat in my other fandom. If you want to create, I say, do it! I only joined fandom about a year ago in July 2022. Never did I think I would do fanart either. And it's all because one author that I was inspired to start creating.

It is scary to put your work out there. It is scary being judged no matter what. If you think you’d be too affected by it, it’s okay to engage from the sidelines, but I would love to see you create. Trust me, if cute Worm!Luke art and Hamster!Luke can be welcomed, I think you will be too <3 Engaging in a new fandom is really scary and I was actually put off at first.

The hugest thing to examine is why you create. Is it for validation? Is it to share your work? Is it for social engagement? How much? Personally, it’s not healthy to expect too much validation or social engagement from strangers on the internet. I write primarily for myself, to get the demons out. Regardless if I get kudos or comments or not, it’s for myself. That deserves its own post of course. The reason I post something up, is to share it. And if one person likes it, that’s enough for me. I’m very happy :]

There are going to be a few people that would love to have you here, me included. I can't promise that everyone is going to be nice, but I've met and engaged with a lot of nice people through honesty and compassion, and they've been nothing but welcoming.

Ad hominem attacks like “talentless” does not affect me at all because these are strangers looking to control/hurt others. Often, it stems out of jealousy. As for copying: as long as you’re not plagiarizing or directly tracing another artist’s work (Van Gogh or other massively well-known historical artists or reference book artists are OK lol), it’s fine. 

And ahhhh, thank you!! I sincerely appreciate your kindness. I met random strangers, now fandom friends, hyping up my work. And oh god, my first fic, VG, is almost unreadable now lmao and I say that with fondness and love. I am extremely self-critical of my own writing and that has pushed me to become a better writer. Even if a person insults my writing (hasn’t happened), it doesn’t affect me because I’d be straight up, “fuck yeah, I agree lmao”. If I ever seem neg my own writing, it doesn’t mean I’m upset at all, it means that I’m striving to do better for myself. Of course, there’s a difference between real criticism and insults (insults are just funny).

I have supportive friends and fandom friends (especially within the DNF fandom). Being surrounded by some incredible writers really motivates me. And I want to support others too.

If you ever want to send me something like art or a fic piece but don't want me to publish the ask, I'd love to take a look at it! And I'll respond with my thoughts in a separate post <3

#author asks #im so sorry anon for the long post #i hope you are well

[theforgottendrummajor]

Day 94 of Being a Drum Major

Hey.

I’m just gonna get into it. I hate myself right now.

**rant incoming— TW: car accident and self-hate**

Last night, the band leadership team was hanging out at one of the section leader’s houses. And as my co-drum major and I are leaving, I ran my car into another section leader’s car.

I hate myself.

He was pissed (rightfully so) and I had at least three anxiety attacks last night. Add onto that two more this morning. It’s been fun.

But, yeah. I’m actually so fucking scared to see everyone again on Friday. I think they all think the problem is my parents, and how badly I’m gonna be punished. But what they don’t know is the amount of self-loathing I’ve gone through within the past 24 hours. I’m not kidding. The amount of times that I’ve thought it would be so much easier to be unalive is insane.

And there it is. My co-drum major texted me. And now I want to cry.

I hate myself.

Don’t worry, little tiny people in my phone reading this. I’ll talk to my therapist about it when I see her next week.

But I’m not gonna lie, I’ve been contemplating quitting marching band. If my director hears about this, I’m even more dead. Like, how the fuck do you see someone who’s supposed to be “the face of the band” as the girl who hit the trumpet guy’s car?

Yes, it was on accident. Yes, it was pitch black. Yes, I couldn’t see shit. Yes, I’ve hardly done anything but stare at the wall. I made myself sleep on the floor, using my mini sundress as a blanket last night (but I couldn’t fall asleep). I really have no idea how low you have to get before you start thinking of yourself as the worst thing in existence, but it’s there.

But yeah. I hate myself.

I feel like shit, and it’s not gonna change. I don’t want to see anyone, or do anything.

I see my drum major (she’s alum now) tomorrow, and I swear to God, I might break down when I see her. She wasn’t there. She knows nothing. But just seeing her…

She’s been there for me through everything. And I’m telling you, I wanted so bad to call her last night and ask her to take me home. Because I didn’t want to see my family.

Of course, I didn’t do any of that.

I hate myself.

I haven’t even been able to get the drum major experience, and I’m already about to take myself out of it. Which I don’t want to do. But I feel so bad, I hate myself so much that I’m willing to ruin my entire future. And to think that my drum major and I were talking yesterday (before the accident) about college auditions and shit.

I really don’t know what to do anymore.

See you on the field (or not, because I won’t be there)

—theforgottendrummajor

#my castles crumbling down #castles crumbling #block me out #i hate my existence #i hate my liiiiife #band kids #drum major #marching band #musicians #fuck cars #fuck the world #i hate everything #i hate it here #hate me #still don’t know what i’m doing

[advotproject]

Anxiety

On a recent trip, I became riddled with anxiety.

I couldn’t sleep, I couldn't eat, and I started to drown in the “I could have, I should have, I would have. Why didn’t I? I can’t. I want to.” 

It got a little out of control.

It ruined the vacation, not only for me, but for my family as well. The thing about anxiety is that she doesn’t ask permission to come hang out. She appears uninvited and rips through you with no rhyme or reason. She becomes a voice in your head, a knot in your stomach and the reason your eyes stay wide open and make your nights sleepless.

A good friend told me that anxiety is our bodies telling us that we need to do something. Anxiety is here to push us into motion. Anxiety is a calling card to pay attention to things you might have on the back burner or shoved behind the closed door.

A different friend said: “Your heart will crack open with anxiety because the things inside have to come out.” 

I don’t know about that. 

I do know it took me a while to get back into balance. I know we need to take anxiety seriously. We must listen to her and do something so that she does not come back harder next time. Anxiety does not like it when we do not pay attention. I say this as a person who is not often visited by anxiety, but when anxiety comes, she comes with a vengeance. I really don’t know how people tolerate her on a regular basis.

“Ms.,” he said. “I have been coming to your class since 2015.”

The class is an anger management class that I teach at Homeboy Industries.

“I have been in and out, locked up and out again. This shit is slow and hard.”

“Yes, it is,” I say. 

Someone says, “That should be on a T-shirt about life. ‘Life is slow and hard.’” Everyone laughs. Then someone adds, “‘Anxiety is a motherfucker’ should be on the back of that shirt. Life is slow and hard, and anxiety is a motherfucker. Kinda’ sums it up, Ms. Doesn’t it?”

I smile and say, “Not really. You know, between the slow and the hard is beauty and joy.” 

“Okay, now you are talking like the self-help books,” he said to me.

“What do you have to say about anxiety, Ms.?” He waits for me to answer.

“She is a motherfucker,” I say. They all laugh. I typically don’t swear in class. My students do that more than enough. 

They are surprised by my answer. 

“Ms, what about anxiety? What can we do about it?” he asked again.

 “What do you do about it?” he asks. 

“I listen to her,” I responded.

“Don’t go doing that, Ms. Anxiety is like a bad Homie who comes to visit you, makes you feel like shit and then leaves you to question your fucking existence. My advice is ignore that fucking Homie. Know you’re better than that. Know you’ve made choices that have nothing to do with the Homie. I don’t know. Be careful of the Homies that pull you down.”

“No, no,” someone said. “Anxiety is the good Homies coming to say, ‘Motherfucker, get back on the path. Don’t stray. Do the right thing.’”

They all wait for me to weigh in on this.

“I’m getting anxious from this conversation,” I say and laugh. “I’m not sure if anxiety is good or bad.” I pause. “She is kind of a constant that comes and goes,” I tell them.

“Honestly,” I add, “sadly, I don’t have deep advice. I do know that we must listen to her.”

“Fuck that!” someone says. “Ignore it! Say, ‘Hey, I see you. I got you,’ and then figure out what the fuck you’re gonna do about all of the shit, then fucking go do it. It’s like the dude said. Life is fucking slow and fucking hard. That’s the T-shirt. Life is hard. Life is slow. Goddamn anxiety! She is a motherfucker.”

I stand there and think to myself: I don’t have deep wisdom about all of this. I wish I did.

I tell them how I, too, struggle with sleepless nights. They find that hard to believe. I promise them I do. Oh yes, I do. I share with them that I try to breathe, to meditate.

I do all the things they say will help. I’m not huge on medication, but some people swear by it. “What I do know,” I tell them, “is to lean into the people that are close to me. I know that I am lucky to have a village that I can cry, kvetch and share my burdens with.” I teach my class what the word “kvetch” means. They say, “That’s Jewish for bitching. It’s like ketchup and bitch together,” someone says.

I add, “The people who love me remind me of who I am, they tell me that I am more than that annoying anxiety bitch who comes to visit.” 

Again, they love that I use a curse word.

My beloved older brother, who is my safe place to fall apart and the collector of my tears, always tells me, “Nomsalach, remember what John Lennon said, ‘Everything will be okay in the end. If it is not okay, it is not the end.’

I share this with my students. They think that’s funny. Funny and deep.

I tell them to breathe and talk to someone who loves them.

I tell them to think of one thing they can do to take action. Action might not make anxiety leave, but it will definitely make it harder for her to stay.

#therippleeffect #theadvotproject

[sunflower-butch]

okay babe, I love talking to you(never apologize for rambling) and I gay panic too, but please if you take anything out of this interaction let it be this.[in the most affectionate way possible] DO NOT PUT YOUR PLANTS ON A WATERING SCHEDULE (this is coming from me who has over 20 house plants. usually I let mine dry out completely unless the little instruction labels on the side of the pot says to keep damp but that's mostly for tropical plants) k with my horrified plant obsessed-ness out of that way.

my wrist is okay, it acts up every now and then ever since my brother pushed me off a rope swing in the middle of winter (so there was snow) and we didn't see there was a rock under it. I'd take you up on the offer to kiss it better if I could.

I do play both! I don't have an electric but i do have 2 acoustic (both are hand me downs but I repainted one and it's my pride and joy. the other one is blue)

singing at the top of my lungs in the car holds some of my favourite memories.

yes you get it! vibes and colours, but also vibes and places i your life.

I like folk music too but the closest I get to listening to it regularly is the band fleet foxes, but they're more of a 'you wander into the woods and get lost in time for 1,000 years but it's okay' kind of band. I listen to like every kind of music, in your reply name a genre and I bet I can give at least 1 song rec.

I fell the stutter thing it really only gets bad if i'm tired or like almost having a meltdown/anxiety attack.

it does apprear you've met your match because golden pothos are low water/low light ( I really want one lol)

my favourite house plant is a little Bolivian Inch Plant because it's leaves because the bottoms are purple (my second favourite colour) and the tops, when you look closely are almost glittery and look kinda like a fake plant.

My favourite plant in general is wild purple roses (ngl i'm not actually sure if they're wild or not that's what my grandma called them tho) they smell like everything good in the world and look pretty too!

you have a tattoo! that's so cool! I kinda want one too lol

yes, ew why do men. I told him no, motioned at my shirt and he kinda just... walked away? which i think actually went pretty well.

your eternally swooning damsel

-el

Ahdjakkdkaks I swear I’ve learned my lesson! Becky just gets watered when the soil is dry or she’s looking droopy! She’s doing great, I swear! I’ll get a picture in the morning or something as proof, but rn I am very cozy in bed haha

Oh dear! That sounds like it hurt! I’m sorry it hurts sometimes, and I hope it feels better soon! Mine acts up too, but mine is carpal tunnel (thanks for the awesome genetics, mom)

That’s literally the coolest thing ever. I have dreamed so much of repainting a guitar. I bet yours looks awesome! I’d love to see a picture, if you’re comfortable sending one! Did you repaint it a different color or add a design? <33

Yes! Vibes and places and people too. I love having too many playlists connected to random things and people in my life. It’s fun but sad to listen to the ones for people that have drifted away—but it’s something special to put together a new one when someone new and wonderful comes into my life!

Okay okay okay, hmmmmm. I know country isn’t a popular genre, maybe too adjacent to folk, but I grew up on the stuff. Any country recs? Alternatively, something like pop punk? Or anything random you feel like sharing! I know they’ll be lovely

Yeah, I think I’ve finally found the one plant I can’t kill 😂 Honestly it’s thriving. I’d still love a garden though, if I could keep it alive. Especially strawberries.

I definitely had to look those up, but they’re so adorable!! I love the tiny leaves and the overlapping shapes. And such a beautiful coloration! Are they very high maintenance?

That’s so cool! I love the smell of flowers, even if the pollen does tickle my nose. I wish we had more wildflowers around. I do see the occasional sunflower, but my favorite is Indian paintbrush season! They pop up EVERYWHERE around the same time every year and they’re so beautiful. The landscape around here is so boring and they liven it up so much.

If you’re ever looking for an excuse to infodump about plants, this is your invitation! <33

I do! I want more. Tattoos are cool as hell, and I was pleasantly surprised when this one didn’t hurt so much. On the topic of flowers, I’d really, really love a linework floral sleeve, just all kinds of pretty flowers!

Better than it could have! The shirt absolutely kills me, I don’t know how a man could see you wear that with cuffed jeans and rings and go “ah yes, a heterosexual” 💀 The cishets really are so blind to these things lmao

Your hopeless romantic of a knight,

- Max/Lo

#elmax anon

[lotus-flowerz]

hello hello I love your writings so far sobs I couldn't help but do an ask myself aa (it's my first ask ever help hwkajd) could I request perhaps gn reader that flinched away from the boys by reflex? (preferably with Diluc, Kaeya and Kazuha but you can add or remove someone if you want to!) like they were hanging out and reader was lost in thoughts and suddenly when they see in the corner of their eyes how the boys raise their arm for smth reader quickly raises their arms above their own head to protect it- how would they react and how would they comfort the reader? I hope it's not too much or if you're uncomfortable with it you can ignore it if you want to whaaaa

AHHH TY IM SO GLAD YOU LIKE MY WRITING! i actually do this too, some of my old friends would make fun of me for it, so i hope that my writing here is accurate >.<

i also added beidou in here, hope you don't mind, i just had to since she's my favorite character <3

TW!! FLINCHING, ANXIETY, PAST TRAUMA, MENTION OF DEATH AND INJURIES

SLIGHT INAZUMA ARCHON QUEST SPOILERS

KAEYA BACKSTORY SPOILERS

The cherry blossoms fell silently from the trees under which you and Kazuha were sitting. Those had remained unchanged since you and Kazuha were children. The beauty of the pink blossoms falling towards the green earth without a care.

It had remained the same through the vision hunt decree, through the war, through watching Tomo get killed by the shogun, through both of you getting injured during said fight. Kazuha's hand was burnt from Tomo's vision, and your body had a large scar running from your knee to the side of your neck from a stray bolt of lighting from Tomo's divine punishment. If not for Kazuha's determination to not lose another friend and Beidou and her crew caring for you, you would be dead.

These days, although you and Kazuha both carried the same trauma, he seemed to be doing leaps and bounds better than you were. Your eyes flitted to Kazuha, who was writing poetry. The only sound that could be heard was his pen gliding across the paper, filling it with his eloquent words that always seemed to flow so smoothly.

You were deep in thought, when out of the corner of your eye you spotted something coming towards your face. Instinctively, your hands flew out to shield yourself, leaving a very confused Kazuha, who was only scratching his head, looking at you with concern in his eyes.

"Dove.. did you think I was going to hurt you?"

You slowly lowered your arms, guilt washing over you.

"No! It's just- sometimes, when movements are too sudden.. I.. you know, I try to protect myself because uh.."

His eyes drifted to your scar, then looked up at your face, only to find it tilted to the ground. He put a finger under your chin, bringing your eyes up to meet his, then kissing your forehead.

One hand snaked around your waist while the other traced lightly over your scar, sending shivers down your spine. You wrapped your arms around him as well, putting a little of your weight onto him.

He kissed your lips, squeezing you tight against him.

"I'll never let anyone hurt you again. I promise."

"Kazuha, it's not-"

"I know it's not my fault. And I know I couldn't have prevented it. But I promise you, you're safe now."

He brought his hand up to cradle the back of your head as you buried your face in the crook of his neck.

"Thank you." you said, squeezing him a little tighter.

"No need to thank me. I love you, Y/n."

"I love you too, Kazuha."

You had been a part of Beidou's crew for just over a year now, after meeting her in the wharf of Liyue harbor after finally finding the courage to leave your abusive and toxic partner. You didn't have a place to stay and you were clearly distraught, so when she asked if you were okay and you immediately began to cry, she offered you to come on her ship. You trusted her, since she was the well-known captain of the Crux. After you had explained your situation, she offered you to join her crew. You agreed, and began dating her about six months after joining the Crux.

Because you had been aboard the Alcor for a year, you knew the crew was loud and prone to get drunk. You had never liked to drink, preferring to quietly sip a small glass of dandelion wine while sitting next to Beidou while she drank a few beers and talked with her crew.

It was now the one year anniversary of when you had left Liyue Harbor, and conveniently, the Alcor was anchored there for a bit for a supplies run, imports drop off, and exports pickup. While out and about with Beidou, you had seen your ex in the wharf. They were about to come and talk to you, when you had pointed them out to Beidou. Beidou had slipped her arm around your waist, glaring at your ex, who glared back and turned heel to walk away.

Now, you sipped your wine beside Beidou, deep in thought. The loud atmosphere wasn't helping your anxieties, and you couldn't get your ex's glare out of your head. You didn't even realize you were completely zoned out until Beidou raised her arm to sling it around your shoulders, after she noticed you were zoned out.

Your arms flew up to shield yourself, and you spilt wine all over the both of you. The cup clattered to the floor, but luckily no one else noticed what just happened.

Beidou's face dropped and she quickly picked up the cup, setting it back down on the table.

"Men!" she called out. "Y/n and I are turning in early tonight! Make sure you scallywags have this cleaned up by the morning!"

The crew cheered their goodnights, raising their beers to their captain and her first mate. Beidou smiled, slipped an arm around your waist, and led you back to your guys' shared quarters.

"Alright doll, what happened just now?"

She closed the door behind her and sat on the bed next to you, looking at you with a certain softness that made you melt.

"I'm.. I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my ex, and how we saw them earlier, and I couldn't get their glare out of my head.. and I left them exactly a year ago.. I don't know why I flinched away from yo-"

Beidou cut you off by taking both of your hands into hers.

"Y/n, don't say sorry! You know, your ex wouldn't stand a chance against even my weakest crew member. They will never hurt you again."

"I don't doubt that for a second," you said, a small smile growing on your face, "Thank you for taking me in, Beidou."

"No, the pleasure is all mine. I couldn't ask for a better first mate. You're safe now, okay?" she smiled, squeezing your hands.

You looked into her eyes for a moment before throwing your arms around her. She squeezed you back, kissing your head.

"C'mon, let's shower and get this wine off of us." she giggled.

You laughed. "Yeah, let's."

Kaeya had told you his backstory, but you never mentioned yours. You just weren't ready to talk about it. Your parents had never been great, you always walked on eggshells around everyone, and everyone was all too rough with you, emotionally and physically.

You had met Kaeya in the tavern one night, while trying to drink away what you were feeling. Kaeya had noticed how obliterated you were and let Diluc know he was taking you to stay at the Knights Headquarters, and would keep an eye on you. The rest was history, and now you and Kaeya had been dating for a little over a year.

Kaeya had told you his backstory on Monday. That same day later on, you had a run in with your parents at Blanche's, where they had yelled at you for deciding to become a Knight, and proceeded to pick you apart from your very core.

In turn, you had been drinking a little more than usual for the entire week. You seemed more withdrawn and just not fully there. And it all came to a head when you were laying in bed next to Kaeya.

He went to put his arm over you, a loving gesture, but your arms came up on instinct to shield yourself. He sighed loudly.

"You're scared of me."

"Oh Archons- I didn't mean to- no, I swear it isn't-"

"You've been acting all angry and cold ever since I told you about my roots. I thought you would be the one who didn't leave me after I told them."

"No, Kaeya- please, just let me explain!"

"I'm listening."

You began to hesitantly tell him about your parents. His face grew angrier and angrier every time you told him another thing your parents had done to you.

"I'll kill them. I had no idea that that happened though. I'm sorry for assuming."

"It's alright, Kaeya. I didn't even consider that you might think I was acting weird because of where your confession."

"I swear they'll never get near you again, alright? You're safe now. It's alright."

He pulled you into him, wrapping you up in his strong arms and putting his legs over yours, making you feel protected and safe.

"No one will hurt you, not on my watch. I love you, Y/n."

"I love you too, Kaeya. I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner."

"No need for apologies, you were gonna tell me when you were ready. Now let's get some sleep, that dandelion wine I downed earlier is starting to get to me."

You giggled, burying your head further into his chest.

"Alright. Goodnight, Kaeya."

"Night, prince/ess."

You and Diluc had been dating for a few months now, you had met when he had needed to hire a new bartender, and you volunteered your mixing skills to the Angel's Share. You had caught his eye immediately, and he had asked you out on a date soon after you began your work there.

Your ex wasn't a kind person, to say the least, so you had been hesitant to say yes. You assured Diluc that this was just because your ex was unkind to you, but you had never mentioned physical harm. You hadn't wanted to worry him.

You were sitting on the couch with Diluc, his arm slung over your shoulders while you stared into the crackling flames of the fire burning before you. Diluc wasn't paying attention, as he was reading a book in his free hand.

He raised his arm up, attempting to adjust to a more comfortable position, but you misread this. Your arms were shielding your face in an instant, and Diluc was looking at you with a shocked and concerned face that quickly morphed to anger.

"I'm going to kill him." he growled/

You lowered your arms and looked down, avoiding looking him in the eye.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that."

"Did he hit you??"

"I, um, didn't want to worry you."

"Barbatos.. and this domestic abuser is just, what, roaming around Mondstat? No punishment for the pain he put you through?"

"I didn't tell anyone because I didn't want him to come and hurt me. I also didn't want to cause any trouble."

Diluc rubbed a hand over his face, before wrapping you in a hug.

"You're safe here, alright? I will never lay a hand on you to hurt you. I won't let anyone else hurt you either, okay?"

"Thank you.." your eyes welled up with tears, "I thought you would be upset that I didn't tell you."

"No, never. It's a hard thing to talk about. If you'd like, I have connections. We can have him arrested."

"I don't want to cause trouble.."

"You won't. He won't be able to hurt anyone else this way. But we can discuss this later. Would you care for a cup of tea?"

"That'd be nice. Thanks, Diluc."

"You're welcome, angel. Tell me if anyone hurts you again, alright? I'll protect you."

"Will do. I love you."

"I love you too."

#genshin comfort #genshin fluff #genshin x reader #genshin impact #diluc comfort #diluc #diluc fluff #diluc x reader #kaeya #kaeya comfort #kaeya x reader #kaeya fluff #beidou #beidou comfort #beidou fluff #beidou x reader #kazuha #kazuha fluff #kazuha x reader #kazuha comfort