#but i sure am vastly aware of one example of it

[lttleghost]

wait I said this in the tags of another post and have previously tried to express these thoughts but did so poorly; while I don't think canon compatibility necessarily has as much importance in fandom with lgbtq+ headcanons if there isn't a queer reading of a character that is canonically compatible, and I don't think that fandom having differing headcanons for characters not meant to be lgbtq+ can ever fully be categorized as erasure in general

I do think when there is a queer reading of a character that is completely compatible with canon and is relevant to the themes of the story yet is given significantly less attention or is all but ignored in a fandom for headcanons that require at least some suspension of disbelief and/or changes to the text to reach their full potential, that starts to tread somewhere at least adjacent to the territory of erasure. and while I think individually people can still prefer whatever headcanon they want, it can say something about a fandom as a whole if there isn't any thought to, or if there's even refusal to give visibility to the more canonically accurate queer reading

and I think it's also important to look out for situations where that reading might be ignored because it's "less palatable", either as an identity itself and/or the presentation of that identity, to those in the community that tend to not like nonconformity or look down on certain identities, like transmedicalists ect...

#I'm not in too many fandoms so i dunno how OFTEN this happens #but i sure am vastly aware of one example of it #meat.txt #while i know lots of people like it for projection i do think its important to recognize transmasc Jesse is also like #a perfect transmasc example for a transmedicalist to latch onto as well #and because theres a higher rate of transmedicalism in the transmasc community this is another area of hesitence #that i have with the popularity of that headcanon vs egg transfem Jesse #espec since while any level of physical transition still could be accurate for Jesse #there's honestly not much indication that appearance is the focus of her identity #really good candidate for being a no-med no-op trans person

[v-tired-queer]

Hey! We don't know each other but I found you through the PNES tag. I'm trying to find out more info about PNES versus temporal lobe epilepsy, to help me figure out how likely it is that I need medication for what I'm pretty sure are focal seizures.

My question is: can PNES seizures have an aura?

Are there any ways you know of to tell the difference aside from an EEG during an episode? I am planning on getting a neuro referral at my next doctor's appointment but it's been giving me bad anxiety worrying about it.

Thank you for your time.

Hello! I really hope things go well with your appointment! I know how scary all of it can be. I have full faith that you've totally got this though!!

So, to answer your question: yes, some people with PNES can and will experience an aura before a seizure, but others won't. The way that PNES affects people and is experienced can vary from person to person. For example, like I said, I do experience an aura sensation before I have a seizure. My head begins to fog up in a way that's kind of hard for me to fully describe. For me, it's almost like I'm slowly becoming mentally numb, like a fog is rolling in that puts me on high alert. But I also have other tell-teale signs that I'm about to seize: my left hand always starts to tremble, and I always become vastly less-than-aware of myself and my surroundings. Other people with PNES might have different cues, or similar cues, or anything else entirely. That being said, the seizures themselves can differ, too. While mine include no longer being in control of my limbs and violent convulsions and twitches, some people may have ones that look like absence seizures, or even another type completely.

Before I was officially diagnosed, I went to two different neurologists and had two different EEG scans done: one in office and one overnight. They monitored how my brain behaved both outside of a seizure and during a seizure. PNES seizures and epileptic seizures look very different on EEGs, which is to be expected due to their different causes. It's actually pretty cool to see the difference, I recommend looking up some different scans to see! But outside of the tests, my doctors ran through my symptoms and how I experience having a seizure, and were able to jot down the differences in what I was experiencing compared to someone with epilepsy. For example, I'm actually able to hear everything around me during a seizure, but since I'm seizing, I'm unresponsive no matter what, which tends to be abnormal for the type of seizure I experience. I also go completely nonverbal after a seizure for anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour. But again, that's just how I experience them. Experiences can and often times will vary from person to person, but the cause is the same: PNES is brought on by an emotional response, while epileptic seizures are caused by a physical response from the brains nerves cells.

Now that being said, temporal lobe epilepsy doesn't seem to be caused by an emotional reaction, but rather, can be triggered by an emotional reaction (usually high stress levels) due to the epilepsy being present in the, well, temporal lobes. Which then circles back around to the overall cause being different, though symptoms can be similar.

To be honest, due to their similarities, I'm not sure if you could be diagnosed with one or the other without having EEGs and other tests done. But the good news is, none of the tests hurt! And for all of them you'll be closely monitored so in the event of a seizure you won't be injured then, either.

(I'm a "glass half full" kind of person lmao)

I cannot stress enough how important it is to be honest with your doctor about what you're experiencing. It's definitely anxiety inducing for a lot of us, but the more open and honest you are with them, the more they can help steer you in the right direction. And if you get saddled with a doctor unwilling to listen or simply write you off, please don't hesitate to really advocate for yourself. You really need to be in your own corner so you can get the correct diagnosis, so you can then get the proper help and treatment you need. It'll take time, and at some points it'll probably be frustrating--I know it was for me--but it's so important to get the proper treatment for the true problem.

I really, really hope that things go well for you and that you can figure out what it is that you're experiencing! I'm rooting for you!!

(Also this got very long very quickly, but I hope it helps nonetheless!)

#bearing in mind that i am not a doctor nor do i play one on tv lmao #the cleveland clinic has some good information on their site about both epileptic and pnes type seizures #i recommended looking there for some more info! #asks #ask #answered #pnes #psychogenic non epileptic seizures #seizures #seizure disorder #non epileptic seizures #epilepsy #temporal lobe epilepsy #tle

[traumatas]

Trigger Warning: Customer Service

Rating: Teen and Up Audience

Category: M/M

Relationship: Reigen Arataka/Serizawa Katsuya

Tags: Reigen Arataka, Serizawa Katsuya, Friends to Lovers, Character Development, Jealousy, Sexual Harrasment, All of it very lightly but it’s there, Protective Serizawa Katsuya, Slice of life, In a sense, Pining

AO3 Link

Summary:

���Of course we offer several options with multiple varying guarantees of success - exorcisms aren’t as straightforward as most people like to believe and need a lot of professional skill, mind you - and I am certain we will find something perfect for your needs.” Falling into his little spiel is easy enough now that he has a jumping off point, the words slipping past his lips almost naturally. Still, as he speaks he begins to notice Serizawa’s eyes on him and somehow he can’t help but want to squirm a little at how intense the other’s look feels. “Our most popular service is the 99% guaranteed exorcism. Lucky for you, we are currently offering a ten percent discount on it - for our first time customers only.”

He waves the pamphlet in front of the client’s face before eventually placing it in his hands. The perfectly stiff smile on his face doesn’t fall as the man’s eyes scan over it, Reigen waiting for a decision to be made.

---------------

Reigen likes to consider himself a master at dealing with all kinds of people. However, that doesn't mean that they don't drive him insane sometimes.

Reigen finds himself suppressing one sigh after another in favor of keeping on his perfectly crafted mask of professionalism. The sun has barely reached its highest point in the sky and lunch break has yet to pass - meaning, it is far too early for him to lose his patience with their clients. 

For allegedly having spirit related issues, the young adult sitting on the chair in front of his desk seems surprisingly uninterested. Reigen has seen far too much of the gum the man is chewing and at this point he wants nothing more than to reach up to rub at his temples in annoyance. 

Instead, his eyes move over their client once more and he briefly wonders how much longer he had to poke and question before he got any kind of useful information out of him. 

When he had accepted this job over a quick phone call the person now sitting across from him had sounded rather serious. However, now that Reigen is trying to figure out anything substantial or useful, he wishes he had just refused - money for rent be damned.

“Do you know what kind of spirit you are haunted by?” The questions almost seem redundant at this point and keeping his voice neutral is taking more out of him than it should. He can’t deny that being able to keep the irritation out of his words might be his most impressive skill yet. Feigning interest, he leans forward and tries to pick up on any sign that he might be able to use to his advantage when it comes to making this client worth the time he is wasting on him.

Sadly, he is still out of luck because his question is answered with a mere shrug that perfectly mimics all the previous ones. Reigen wants nothing more than to throw up his hands in frustration and give up, but that is neither in line with his business practices nor a socially acceptable option. Firstly, he has a reputation to hold up and secondly, he needs to make sure to set an extra good example for Serizawa. 

The ESPer stands next to him painfully ridgid. His fingers are flexing and unflexing in what Reigen assumes is an attempt to relieve some of the tension in his body, and every now and then it’s followed by a nervous twitch that he does his best to ignore. 

He’s more than aware that the other is new to all of this and that simply cleaning up nicely would not help Serizawa to magically feel comfortable or confident around their clients. With how much time he had spent isolated, there’s still a lot he has to warm up to. Additionally, the environment in the office has to be vastly different from what he is used to and it’s even more reason for Reigen to want to get the other accustomed to it all. It is important for him to show Serizawa everything that he has to pay attention to in this line of work. After all, without Mob being able to stop by at his very call, it is essential that Reigen keeps the only ESPer willing to work for him from quitting - in the end, most of his income is rather reliant on having someone with psychic powers around.

The past few weeks he had done his very best to include Serizawa as much as possible and they had certainly made some progress. He had realized quickly how the other responds quite favorably to positive reinforcements and even if he is visibly anxious and never quite able to stop his fidgeting, he's nothing if not eager to learn. 

So when Reigen had accepted this client's rather straightforward seeming request, he had planned to dare and involve the ESPer a little more than usual to help him build some confidence. This, however, is far from how this is supposed to go and for a moment Reigen wonders if he isn’t the one being cursed or haunted. Maybe it is worth it to check in with Dimple sometime soon.

“You truly do not know what kind of spirit, then? Where you could have acquired it, what you did to offend it or how long it has been haunting you. Is that correct?” One of Reigen’s hands shoots up to count along with his points, raising a finger for each of them, and he hopes that it doesn’t translate as impatiently as it feels. 

Once more the man across from him seems to consider his answer and for the first time since coming through their door, he nods. Though, the simple motion is most certainly not as comforting as Reigen had hoped for and far from a good sign.

“Yes, that is correct.” The client confirms. “I didn’t want to believe it was a spirit at first, but you already said you can see its influence, haven’t you? So shouldn’t you know what kind it is?”

“Of course, of course.” Reigen’s extended hand begins to wave through the air, easily brushing aside any possible doubts their client might have. Out of the corner of his eye he can see how Serizawa shifts his weight from one leg to the other, hands now behind his back to allow himself to pull nervously at the fabric of his cuffs without being seen by anyone other than Reigen. “Serizawa, you can see it too. What do you think?”

Maybe it isn’t necessarily fair of him to push this onto the ESPer and he can’t help but feel a little guilty when he’s met with the other’s startled expression. To him there isn’t much of an option, however. When it comes to spinning stories along, he likes to consider himself quite good at bouncing back the information he gets with half truths and lies. Unfortunately, his wits are at an end when there’s little to nothing to work with. Without any insight or idea of the actual problem, his course of action is limited. So, while putting Serizawa on the spot like this doesn’t make him feel particularly great, there’s only so many things left for him to resort to. Desperate times call for desperate measures and he tries to soothe his conscience with the fact that it would be great practice for the other nonetheless. 

“I uh- y-yes, Reigen, sir.” Serizawa stutters eventually, standing so straight now that it has to be uncomfortable. Reigen decides that he would have to buy the other some lunch as an apology - depending on how much money this job is going to get them. “It’s rather weak b-but I do think we should exorcize it sooner than later…. Reigen, sir.”

For a brief moment, his eyes meet the ESPer’s but the other isn’t able to stand their eye contact for very long, snapping his head back to their client. After a few seconds, that seems to be too much as well and Serizawa opts for a random spot on the wall instead.

“I suppose you’re correct.” Reigen agrees and snaps his fingers loud enough to make the man next to him jolt in surprise. He desperately hopes his praise does make up for it at least somewhat. While pushing some of the hair out of his face, he stands up and motions for their client to do the same. “Spirits are an urgent matter and we shouldn’t waste anymore time. If you truly do not remember where you might have gotten stuck with it or how, you will simply have to avoid all ominous or concerning places, including but not limited to cemeteries, parking garages, parks at night and corporate office buildings. All that, additionally to our exorcism services, of course.”

Once the both of them stand, he slips a paper off the surface of his cheap desk and holds it up to the man’s face with a large and bright smile. 

“Of course we offer several options with multiple varying guarantees of success - exorcisms aren’t as straightforward as most people like to believe and need a lot of professional skill, mind you - and I am certain we will find something perfect for your needs.” Falling into his little spiel is easy enough now that he has a jumping off point, the words slipping past his lips almost naturally. Still, as he speaks he begins to notice Serizawa’s eyes on him and somehow he can’t help but want to squirm a little at how intense the other’s look feels. It makes him nervous enough for his hand to stop its gesturing for a split second. However, just a bit later, it continues to move along with his words again. “Our most popular service is the 99% guaranteed exorcism. Lucky for you, we are currently offering a ten percent discount on it - for our first time customers only.”

He waves the pamphlet in front of the client’s face before eventually placing it in his hands. The perfectly stiff smile on his face doesn’t fall as the man’s eyes scan over it, Reigen waiting for a decision to be made.

Everyone stands in silence for a good few moments and Reigen’s eyes dare to snap to Serizawa who looks rather uncomfortable in his position behind the desk. The fleeting thought that it might be his lies and act that made the ESPer feel that way crosses his mind and he prays to whatever is listening that that isn’t the case. 

“If you have an option in mind but are unsure about how to finance it, we also accept multiple payments.” He elaborates, unable to stand the silence in the room much longer. Just to make sure, he follows it up with an encouraging nod to their client, pressing for an answer now. This is taking more of his energy than what he usually has to deal with and the indecisive silence is downright deafening to him. “So is there anything that looks like it would fit your needs?”

Reigen’s smile begins to fall when he sees the client's shoulders pull up in another dismissive shrug and he realizes that he would have to put much more effort into this than he had initially anticipated.

~♥~

After the incident at the Ibogami Hotsprings, Serizawa had opened up significantly. If Reigen looks at him now, it is plainly obvious just how nervous the ESPer had been around him previously

While Serizawa is still trying quite hard to impress and prove himself as a part of Spirits and Such, he doesn’t jump out of his shoes whenever he is addressed or asked for his opinion anymore. Instead of simply nodding along with whatever Reigen is suggesting, he seems to truly consider whether he agrees or not and as it turns out, he has some rather useful and interesting insights that have come in handy more than once.

Over time, Reigen found himself thoroughly enjoying Serizawa’s company and he had realized that the ESPer had not only begun to relax around him, but Reigen himself had started to feel progressively less and less pressured to pose as some type of role model and mentor. 

Pretending and performing is what he is best at - however, being able to unwind a little between clients every now and then is a relief. Especially with someone he is considering a friend at this point. The air in the office had shifted to something different ever since they had started to treat each other more casually and neither of them seemed to want to go back to strictly professional after that. 

The first time one of Reigen’s off hand and snarky remarks had made Serizawa break out in laughter, it had completely caught him off guard. The sound had been surprisingly warm and genuine, causing some of the objects on the ESPer’s desk to lift off the surface. Of course it had been a matter of seconds before Serizawa had profoundly apologized to him - unaware of how Reigen still had to recover from seeing the other’s face pulled into a large smile that made his stomach flip.  

With every day that passes, working with Serizawa becomes easier and soon enough Reigen starts to invite him out for drinks after particularly stressful days. At first the other had politely refused, but Reigen is nothing if not persistent and had gotten him to agree eventually. 

Even on their nights out, the ESPer is incredibly pleasant to be around - maybe a little reluctant still, but weighing in with his own experiences and thoughts to Reigen’s many and endless stories. His own never ending gesturing and talking had dominated the first few times, but soon enough he had started to listen intently to what Serizawa had to say and at this point he is unable to deny that he is looking forward to what the other is willing to share. 

Slowly but steadily, Serizawa starts to think and act for himself and Reigen notices a feeling of pride swell in his chest at seeing the other open up - Pride and something else that he can’t quite put his finger on and would vehemently deny if anyone ever asked him about it. 

In the end all he allows himself to say is that there’s a certain charm about Serizawa - and it affects not only him, but their clients as well. 

While it is unintentional, there’s no doubt about how the ESPer seems to catch the eye of some of the people walking through their door. 

Serizawa is a rather handsome man and with the gentle tone of his voice, his polite smiles and his nicely fitting suit, Reigen can’t really fault anyone for being interested. He feels a little smug about it and likes to hand himself at least some of the credit for giving the ESPer such an incredible makeover. Once the hair was cut and the beard was shaved, he had known almost immediately that the other would attract some attention - certainly not because something had clicked in Reigen at that moment, mind you. 

Every now and then he wonders whether it would be worth it to print  promotional posters with Serizawa's face on it. However one look at how flustered the ESPer gets whenever someone steps too close to him is enough to know that it wouldn’t be the smartest idea - for now, at least. 

“- and you’re such a proper young man, you know.”

Of course - like everything good and fortunate in Reigen's life - even Serizawa’s looks have to come with a downside. Unsurprisingly, said downside takes the form of an elderly lady that keeps Serizawa anchored in a conversation that didn't seem to find an end. There seems to be something rather inviting about him that makes their older clients flock to him like moths to light and normally it results in a nice and pleasant little exchange. This time, though, it had turned into downright torture. 

The woman’s problem had been rather simple. Essentially nothing more than a barely cursed picture frame that caused the curtains in her home to randomly shut at times. It had neither been dangerous nor life threatening and with the ESPer’s help the actual exorcism had barely taken a minute. However, she is somehow still in the office almost half an hour later, keeping Serizawa hostage right where he stands.

His smile is frozen on his face and he keeps nodding along rather stiffly, his eyes showing just how exhausted he is from the conversation at this point. It isn’t as if he - or Reigen for that matter - isn’t trying, but it seems that their client is quite adamant about wanting to continue her one sided interaction with him as long as possible.

“My granddaughter’s fiance is nothing like that.” Her picture frame tightly clutched to her chest, she sighs deeply. The boney fingers of her hand gently rub over the worn looking corners and pick at a small splinter. “Ever since she met him she is not visiting me anymore. Can you believe that? You know, I’m sure it is her mother that did not teach her to respect and care for the elders in the family. My son should have never married her, if you ask me.”

“Th-that’s a shame.” Serizawa answers with his eyebrows knitting and his smile growing a little softer in an act of compassion. The gesture is nice, but it only encourages more words to spill from her mouth instead of cutting the conversation right there. Even if Reigen had been excluded from the beginning on, it is grinding at him unbearably so. In annoyance and disinterest, his eyes shoot up to the clock hanging on the wall and they widen the moment he realizes just how late it is. Suddenly, he is reminded of their next actually scheduled client. They were both expected to arrive within the next hour and considering how long it would take them to get there by public transport, that is a rather ambitious goal. 

“Crap-” He curses without  thinking about it and only when the woman finally pays him attention to give him a deeply disapproving glance he notices how loud his outburst must have been. Almost immediately his smile returns and sweat begins to build on his forehead. “I-I mean. Yes. It truly is a shame. Young people these days can be rather disrespectful, can they not?”

It’s an attempt at covering up his swearing mishap and if the harsh and judgemental look he receives is anything to go by, it is not a successful one. Even so, it doesn't change the fact that they had to find a way to make her pay and leave as quickly as possible. Their next appointment marks the start of a rather tightly packed schedule and they did not have the time for idle chit chat with some old woman. Being patient is important in any professional setting, but so is getting things done. 

“They can be.” The answer is slightly sharper than what Reigen expects from her and it makes him swallow down a lump in his throat together with the annoyance that begins to bubble in his chest. Her wrinkled features are twisted in displeasure and her idle smile only returns when she looks back at Serizawa. Said ESPer gives Reigen an apologetic and lost look. “Now you - Serizawa, was it, yes? - You seem like a fine upstanding man. I wish we had someone like you in our family. You remind me of my own husband when he was still alive. “

By the way Serizawa’s eyes widen, it is obvious that he doesn’t know how to respond and instead he reaches up to fidget with the collar of his button up. Absent-mindedly, he nods and without batting an eye she goes on with her story. Either she is unable to read the room or simply chooses not to and neither scenario is much of a comfort to Reigen. From where he stands he can see how Serizawa's adam’s apple bops when a hand with thin fingers gently reaches out to pat at his arm. The old woman is pushing them into a spot tighter and tighter, but Reigen wouldn’t be Reigen if he were to give up on this so easily. He often prides himself in being an expert in wiggling his way out of tricky situations and he promises himself and the ESPer that he would not disappoint this time.

Right before she opens her mouth again, Reigen takes a step closer, hoping to interrupt her and help Serizawa out. One of his hands finds its way to the other's  back to hit it with a playful slap and he puts on the politest smile he can muster. “I have to agree. Everyone would want to. I’m quite fortunate to have someone as skilled and incredible as Serizawa here with me and-”

“Yes, yes. I am sure you are, but we are having a conversation here as you can see.” 

He had not expected to be dismissed so easily. It isn’t often that Reigen finds himself stunned and at a loss for words, but the boldness of the old woman is certainly taking him by surprise. Usually, agreeing with a client works wonders when it comes to stirring them in a different direction, but this woman seems to be far more stubborn and rude than Reigen had given her credit for. “Now Serizawa, you wouldn't leave your poor, poor grandmother alone, would you? Unlike some other young men you are so considerate and talented as well.”

He can feel his eyebrow twitch in irritation at her jab and he blinks a few times, needing to recollect himself. She cares incredibly little though, her attention solely on Serizawa. 

“My cat was also such a pleasant little guy, but he passed away recently. It’s been so lonely at home ever since. Especially with no one paying me a visit anymore.” Her hand never stops her assault on the ESPer’s arm and he does begin to look increasingly uncomfortable. 

“I-I’m sorry. Losing a pet must be… hard?” It’s obvious that he is out of his element and he dares to look at Reigen once more. When their eyes meet, the look behind them is desperate - almost begging him to help. If this were any other day, Reigen would have considered this good practice for Serizawa, but with each second that ticks by more and more of their precious time slips away from them. He is flooded with a sense of urgency not only for their next client, but also for the ESPer's sake.

Slowly, his hand slips off of the other’s back and he opens his mouth, prepared to finally ask the woman to pay and leave their office.

“Ma’am-”

“-and you see whenever he jumped onto my bed, he’d meow at me and-”

Once again his attempt to interrupt is shot down immediately by her voice rising over his at an almost uncomfortable volume. It makes the rest of his words die in his throat at the audacity the action holds. He decides then and there that he would rather be faced with multiple cockroaches than this one woman - maybe. When Serizawa realizes that even Reigen is unable to break through her determination, his usual friendly demeanor and brave openness to chat with their clients is completely replaced by an anxious expression he hadn't worn in a while. 

“-my granddaughter actually loved to chase him around our backyard! Would you believe that? We would-”

At this point, Reigen can’t fault Serizawa for being trapped by her, because he feels equally at a loss on how to stop her. His skill at convincing people is reliant on them listening to him and all of his previous confidence is out the window by how aggressively she is about ignoring him.

When it had been just him and Mob, clients usually didn’t wish to stick around longer than necessary and even the rather chatty ones would leave them alone within a few minutes or so. He had never truly witnessed someone who seemed to make it their whole purpose in life to waste his time specifically and he finds himself missing the quiet loneliness of the train to Ibogami all of the sudden. 

There’s truly nothing he wants to do more than push the lady along, but he knows better than to make himself known as the business being rude to the elderly - not a smart move if a large part of your income is dependent on superstitious old people.

So instead, he helplessly watches her step even closer into Serizawa’s personal space to continue her rambling about this and that and with a heavy heart filled with disbelief, Reigen has to admit defeat this time. One of his hands rubs over his face and he uses it to slap the ESPer on the back once more afterwards, earning a conflicted and confused expression that makes his chest twist a little. 

“Serizawa, you can take it from here, yes?” He asks, but doesn’t wait for an answer before he reaches deep into the pockets of his suit pants, pulling out his phone and flipping it open in the process. Unrelenting, the hands on the clock keep moving and at this point he knows there’s no way they’ll make it in time. “I’ll have a few phone calls to make, so if you’ll excuse me.”

As he steps away, he gives Serizawa a last apologetic look. His hand moves to give the other an encouraging thumbs up and he mouths an apology, praying that he would be able to pull through just a little longer. 

~♥~

Considering his line of work, danger isn’t something Reigen is unfamiliar with. By running a business that deals with a variety of evil spirits and curses, there is a rather high chance to get scraped and bruised every now and then.

At this point, Serizawa isn’t necessarily shy about telling him that he needs to be more careful, scolding Reigen more often than not whenever he gets himself into danger without thinking - which happens more often than he'd like to admit. What bothers him most, however, is that there’s always a barely hidden distress in the ESPer’s voice. 

The first time he had pulled Reigen aside after one of their jobs, he had looked so serious that Reigen’s chest had tightened almost painfully. 

He can’t help the anxiety that spreads in his gut whenever Serizawa sees the need to remind him that he had promised to be more careful on multiple occasions and at this point Reigen has run out of barely believable excuses to reassure him. Without fail he would see Serizawa’s eyes wander over him to check for any sign of injury and it allows an unfamiliar warmth to sneak its way into his heart. It’s odd for Reigen to know that someone cares enough about him to see the need to be upset at his own stupidity.  Conflicting is probably the best way to describe the feelings swirling in his chest whenever he catches a glimpse of the ESPer’s disappointed expression.

On one hand, he feels ashamed about causing Serizawa so much trouble, but on the other - and he doesn’t dare to dwell on it too long - there’s an almost overwhelming pang of happiness at having someone around him that wants to make sure he stays unharmed. With the way Serizawa looks at him, scolds him and tries to keep him out of harm’s way almost frantically, Reigen indulges in the sensation of feeling taken care off. It satisfies him in a way he can't explain and while the happiness he feels is accompanied by a sizable amount of guilt, he still allows himself to revel in the other's caring but short touches. Having someone right at his side that he feels comfortable with, causes him to feel content in a way that he has a hard time accepting. 

Still, it doesn’t change Reigen is used to the dangers that come with the job at this point - that is, if they are of the evil spirit or falling-apart-building kind. He’s rather unfamiliar with hostility from people, as long as said people are not part of a terrorist organization. It’s not as if clients never yell at him, call him a fraud or throw a fit, but most of the time he manages to smoothly talk his way out of any risky situation with impressive ease and a good chunk of luck. Almost everyone that storms through the doors of Spirits and Such in a fit of anger is usually pretty easy to handle. It’s no secret to Reigen that he has a knack for stumbling his way through conversations without clients necessarily realizing what he’s doing. With a business such as his, it is most certainly an essential part of how it functions.

Even before he had decided to dabble into independence, dealing with an angry and furious client is nothing he would have considered new to him. His way with words and his ability to deflect every accusation thrown at him had gotten him pretty far.

However, that did not mean that he never found himself confronted with people he couldn't get a grip on.

“Sir, please. I understand that you’re upset, but I promise you that all of our exorcism oils are one hundred percent authentic and-”

“Oh shut up!” A loud slap on the surface of Reigen’s desk accompanies the client’s booming voice and it makes him jump out of his chair a little. At the other end of the room, Serizawa looks equally startled. He is still drying his hands and if Reigen had known how quickly this would escalate, he would have not asked the ESPer to handle this particular massage on his own. “No way in hell this was an exorcism! What kind of stupid fraudulent place is this? Should have known all those reviews were fucking fake-”

“Now, now. No need to get this…. aggravated.” Reigen dares to interrupt their client, careful about his choice of words. Reluctantly, he stands up from his chair to get a little closer. His hands feel clammy and the man’s face is colored in a deep and maddened red, trembling with anger. There’s no doubt that he would rather avoid this from getting any more out of hand and as confidently as he can he smiles at the client, ignoring the cold sweat that builds on the back of his neck. “I assure you my associate is more than qualified and physical exorcisms are just an advanced form that take a long time to master, you see.” 

“Physical fucking exorcism, my ass! Listen up you asshole, I don’t buy it.” The man takes a few steps forward, his eyes now narrowing in on him. “Like some backrub will get rid of being possessed!”

“But you are feeling better, do you not?” The room suddenly feels much heavier. There’s a pressure in the air that Reigen is unfamiliar with and for a second he wonders if this man truly is possessed after all. However, he opts to trust Serizawa’s earlier judgment of him not being affected by any type of spirit whatsoever, rather than his own instinct. He does prefer to leave the ESPer work to the actual ESPer - which means he had more or less assigned himself the talking portion of this particular job. Though, as it turns out it is much trickier than it would be on their average day. 

Suddenly, the man in front of him grabs him by the collar and pulls him closer. The tug on his shirt is painful and causes fabric to dig uncomfortably in the back of his neck. Almost immediately, his body responds. His heart beats rapidly and his hands shoot up to feign innocence, his smile has lost a good part of its fake confidence and he prays that the man wouldn’t notice how nervous he is at this point.

“Listen, Sir. There’s- there’s no need to do anything anyone might regret. I am sure we will be able to resolve this without the need of any of this?” His hands gesture widely now and eventually end up on the client’s arm to carefully push at it in an attempt to get some space. The action quickly backfires and causes the hand around his shirt to tighten even more. Reigen swallows roughly and as unbelievable as it may seem, dealing with the 7th division had been far less nerve wrecking.

“I don’t know who you fucking think you are-” At this point, the excessive use of swears is certainly getting old, but Reigen has far more important things to worry about. “- but don’t you think I’ll let you scam anyone else out of their hard earned money.”

With how much force he is pushed backwards, he is sure that his body is about to hit his desk rather harshly. Out of instinct, his eyes screw shut and he expects the unavoidable impact. However, there’s neither a large crash nor any sharp pains or aches to complain about and once he realizes there would be none at all, one of his eyes opens hesitantly. 

Instead of on the ground, he finds himself with a steady and large hand on his back that digs into the fabric of his suit to keep him upright. 

The pressure and stuffy feeling of the air makes a shocking amount of sense now. While he can not see Serizawa’s aura, it is rather obvious that it must be his powers spreading into every nook and cranny of the office. With how the tips of the ESPer’s hair are floating and with how his hand is wrapped around their clients wrist tightly enough to make his knuckles turn white, it is plain to see that Serizawa is angry. Angrier than Reigen has ever seen him for a fact. 

Saying that he feels fortunate to not be on the receiving end of the furious stare on the ESPer’s face is an understatement. Reigen has never considered Serizawa particularly scary looking and to him he’d been nothing if not great company. His bright smiles never fail to make him feel something he probably shouldn’t and his incredible kindness and interest had only made Reigen realize how much he had needed another adult to consider his friend. 

Now, however, Serizawa looks downright terrifying, his eyes filled with an intensity that would make everyone’s blood chill in a moment - with the exception of Reigen, of course, who has to deal with a sudden burst of emotion including but not limited to awe and amazement. Still, he dares to tear his eyes away from the ESPer in favor of looking back at their client. His previous anger is replaced by fear and for a moment Reigen worries that Serizawa grip would tighten further. There’s no doubt that it would be followed by a most likely sickening crack if he did.

Not wishing for any lawyer costs, Reigen’s own hand moves to carefully and gently push at Serizawa’s shoulder. Trying to not be too loud, he clears his throat.

“Serizawa-”

“Sir. I think it’s time for you to pay and leave.” When he speaks, none of the usual warm kindness or determined enthusiasm is left in Serizawa’s voice and his tone is dangerously low. The pencil holder on Reigen’s desk begins to rattle slightly and he realizes that the ESPer is doing a rather incredible job at holding back his powers despite everything. Even so, he is suddenly aware that to him there’s no reason to worry about it either way. It hits him like a ton of bricks, but he realizes right then and there how safe he feels with Serizawa this close and how oddly comforted he is by the steady pressure on his back.

With his voice now lost, their client nods after a moment of silence. He’s shaking now, eyes blown wide and shrinking under Serizawa’s stare. Not only the man’s but Reigen’s attention as well returns solemnly to the ESPer. Though, he has the sneaking suspicion that his own reasons for starring are vastly different from their client’s - that is, if his extra clammy hands and the warm feeling in his stomach are anything to go by. 

One of the drawers of his desk creaks concerningly when the sheer force of Serizawa’s powers pulls it open. The hand on his back lets go almost hesitantly and the ESPer roughly drops the wrist in his grasp to pluck the in-office wallet that is floating closer out of the air. 

Considering the previous attitude of their client and his insistence of not wanting to spend a single yen on them, he seems rather eager to pay now. There’s a significant amount of fumbling with change and in the end Serizawa ends up with a bunch of extra bills and coins being shoved into his hand. 

With his metaphorical tail now tucked between his legs, the man bows deeply before turning on his heels and the door to the office falls into its lock behind him rather loudly. In the now silent room, Reigen can hear just how heavy Serizawa is breathing. There’s a few angry intakes of air, but eventually the pressure in around them gradually dissipates and the other’s breath evens out. 

Reigen’s own heart is still pounding violently in his chest and finds himself wanting to reach out. For now, he hesitates, though, unsure about what the ESPer needs right now. Instead it slowly dawns to him that the reason Serizawa had reacted this strongly is most likely because Reigen had gotten himself into trouble once more and he can’t help and curse himself silently for causing the other to lose some of the composure he had worked so hard on. Whatever he has felt up till now is replaced with shame, but Serizawa doesn’t give Reigen time to beat himself up even further when he turns to face him more properly. 

For a split second Reigen is prepared to be scolded for being reckless and irresponsible. Yet, when their eyes meet, Serizawa’s face is no longer twisted in anger. His eyebrows are knitted now and the crease between them is deep with concern. The hand that had wrapped around their client’s wrist in a death grip is incredibly gentle when it lands on Reigen’s upper arm. 

“I-I’m so sorry.” Serizawa’s panicked tone catches him a little off guard just as much as the sudden proximity of the ESPer when he steps a little closer. For a moment, his lips are pressed into a tight line and his eyes jump over Reigen’s features, causing his heart to skip a beat. When Serizawa continues to speak, his voice is filled with embarrassment. “I didn’t mean to be- to lose control like that.” 

His expression changes rapidly and he shakes his head as if to take back his words, not quite allowing Reigen to open his mouth to respond just yet.

“Are you okay, Reigen? He didn’t hurt you did he?” Within an instance, he brings distance between them again, his second hand moving to rest on Reigen’s other arm. He doesn’t catch on immediately, but Serizawa is obviously waiting for an answer now. 

“I-I’m okay-!” He says, sounding so out of it that he follows it up with an embarrassed laugh. The other’s worry is suddenly far too overwhelming and needs to take a step back. With how much warmth Serizawa’s simple touch makes him feel, he can’t help but feel a completely different kind of worry that makes itself known. “All- all fine as you can see. Still in one piece, unharmed. Splendid, really.” 

As if to emphasize his point, he gestures at himself from head to toe. Even if his smile isn’t necessarily genuine, he still tries to look up at Serizawa reassuringly. However, one look at the ESPer lets him know that he can tell that Reigen isn’t unscathed by the encounter - though, he truly hopes that Serizawa doesn’t know what exactly is bothering him. 

“Are you... sure?”

“Yes.” The answer comes so quick that it is barely believable. Reigen is unable to face the other any longer and he turns around to run a hand through his hair, taking the chance to wipe over his forehead while he’s at it. “Not the first time I had to deal with a complicated client.”

Once again he clears his throat and he dares to turn back again, Serizawa’s hands  now nervously playing with each other in front of his chest. It’s plainly obvious that he isn’t satisfied and is considering how to ask his next question. Reigen, however, doesn’t want to give him the opportunity to dig deeper, scared that he might reveal too much of what he’s feeling right now. 

Before anything more can be asked, he adds, “Thank you.” There’s a second in which he hesitates, his fingers flexing and unflexing much like Serizawa’s often did. Eventually, though, he reaches out to gently slap the ESPer’s arm. “Saved the day once again, did you? Great job.”

A small laugh escapes his throat and he knows that it’s not necessarily making anything better. He reaches into his pockets afterwards and pulls out his key to jingle it in front of Serizawa’s face, not wanting to give the other a chance to think about his words or behavior all too much.

“I think we should close up a little earlier today. I’m certainly ready for a drink or two.” He licks his lips and finds himself asking something he might be regretting later on. “Want to tag along?”

~♥~

“No, it was over there! How would you even know where it was when you’re barely home?”

“Because I definitely saw it there! Our daughter said so as well. You might call me a liar, but you should at least believe her!”

“She’s seven! How would she even know know what she is-”

Even long before opening Spirits and Such, Reigen had experienced just how exhausting most clients could be. However, the kind he has to deal with these days are oftentimes much more eccentric than your run of the mill housewife or fellow business man. They range from old people taking advice from their know-it-all children, over groups of friends all the way to his least favorite category: bickering couples.

A single person usually is able to explain their problem rather well but when it comes to people that are dating - or married for that matter - they always seem concerningly out of sync with one another. It’s either that one of them falls into Reigen’s net of sweet talk and half truths while the other is much harder to convince, or they simply can not decide on who’s version of the problem is the correct one. 

Worst of all, those aren’t even the biggest issue Reigen has with them these days. What bothers him most is that, even with all their bickering and complaining, they do nothing but remind him of how single and pathetic he is himself - and of course his helpless and ever deeper growing crush on the man standing right next to him. 

Almost a little cautiously, Reigen allows himself to look up at Serizawa. The ESPer looks just as much at a loss as him and listens to their clients' exchange with a deep frown. His arms are crossed and his fingers drum nervously on his upper arm that Reigen is focusing on for a moment longer than is appropriate. Only when Serizawa looks back at him does he notice his own staring and he hopes his cheeks aren’t as red as they feel. To his relief, the other doesn’t seem to have caught it. 

“Arataka, should we…” Serizawa’s sentence stays unfinished and it doesn’t seem like he had known what he wanted to ask in the first place. Reigen understands his sentiment. Dealing with people that are actively fighting without much care for who’s witnessing them isn’t his favorite thing to do, but sometimes their line of work requires to get involved with things he’d rather leave alone. 

In response to Serizawa’s unfinished question, he waves his hand and leans a little closer. His voice is only loud enough for the ESPer to hear, though, he doubts either of their clients would have listened to him anyways. “Leave it to me.”

Breaking up disagreements is not far up on the list of his preferred parts of the job. It takes expertise and care to not accidentally make things escalate any further and most of the time it is best to simply let one of them tire themselves out and give in. However, with how this one is going, Reigen isn’t certain that either of them would be able to let go of their pride any time soon.

“You didn’t even want to hire anyone in the first place!” The wife huffs and her arms are crossed tightly over her chest, her foot angrily tapping on the floorboards. Eventually, one of her arms unlocks and she points right at Reigen. “If it weren’t for me we wouldn’t even have anyone here at all and now you’re just wasting their time!”

With their presence now acknowledged, he sees the perfect chance to interrupt, “There’s no reason to worry. We at Spirits and Such know just how to-”

“Oh is that so? Well who is going to pay for this service then? You?”

The utterly offended gasp that fills the room is everything but a good sign and the rhythmic tapping of her foot stops with a rather loud stomp. In response she earns a glare and a cock of her husband’s head. In Reigen’s opinion, this is getting rather ridiculous and he realizes that this situation requires a gentler hand than he had initially anticipated.

“Actually, there’s no need to worry about the payment. I am sure we can figure something out that will sit right with the both of you.” This seems to grab the couple's attention and Reigen finally feels confident that he can turn this around - as long as one of them would be willing to listen to him. A large smile spreads on his face and his hand accompanies his words effortlessly from there on. “First and foremost we are here to prioritize any and all of your otherworldly problems.” 

The husband sighs at his words. “I apologize. This isn’t about payment. We certainly do have the money.” There’s a sense of relief that floods Reigen and with how Serizawa straightens next to him, he must be feeling the same. Finally, it feels like the end of their headache might be getting closer. However, both of them have to face the harsh reality a few seconds later. “This is actually about how my own wife doesn’t believe me when I say, that-”

Within a split second, they resume their arguing as if Reigen had never intervened in the first place. His expression must have been quite miserable, because the ESPer slides up next to him to gently bump his elbow against Reigen’s arm. It’s obvious that it’s supposed to be a gesture of comfort and while he appreciates it, he knows for a fact that Serizawa is much more uncomfortable than him. The ESPer is familiar with the ups and downs of the job at this point, but there’s still a lot he doesn’t know how to deal with and feels more comfortable with Reigen handling. Knowing that quite well, Reigen gives him a questioning and partly worried glance, silently asking if he’s still okay. 

Though, one proper look at Serizawa is enough to figure the answer out himself. The discomfort is almost radiating off of him and he finally gives Reigen an uncertain shrug that turns into a small shake of his head. It fills Reigen’s chest with a sense of accomplishment to know that the other trusts him enough to let him know about how unsure he is feeling with all of this.

“Well, it’s not my fault that you constantly have to deal with that!” At this point, the argument is completely irrational and it makes the ESPer’s face contort in a way that doesn’t sit right with Reigen. It makes his chest feel tighter and in an attempt to lighten the other’s mood he bumps him back a little, hoping the gesture brings him some kind of relief. When he has Serizawa’s attention on him, he moves his hand to signal the ESPer to lean down.

“How about you go and check if there actually is a problem, Katsuya.” Reigen says, his voice lowered. It is less of a suggestion and more of an opportunity for Serizawa to excuse himself. His own eyes drift back to their clients and it makes him click his tongue, one of his hands moving to rub the bridge of his nose. Whatever these two were arguing about is something that had to be bubbling under the surface for a long time and he wonders if he should start adding disclaimers about scenarios like this in the fine print of their pamphlets. “Meanwhile, I’ll make sure to babysit.”

Serizawa’s shoulders relax a little and one of his hands finds their way to Reigen’s shoulder. His smile melts into something so genuine that it makes Reigen’s heart hammer against his ribcage and the sudden squeeze of his shoulder makes it skip a beat. Before he has the time to get too lost in the touch and expression of the other, he reminds himself that there’s still clients to deal with. He has all the time in the world to pine and lament about Serizawa once he is back home. Right now it is more important to have the ESPer’s back and to get the job done. 

“Thank you.” Serizawa says, his voice filled with relief. Reigen can’t help but to return the other’s smile with one of his own, all of his annoyance making way for something different almost in an instant. The warm hand gets removed from his shoulder and Serizawa gives him a determined nod. “I’ll try to be as fast as possible.” 

“Good luck.” One of Reigen’s hands waves through the air a little while his other digs deep into the pockets of his suit pants. He gives the ESPer another once over, his cheeks heating up yet again. “And call if you find or need anything, yeah?”

A soft and sweet laugh escapes Serizawa and he gives Reigen a playful salute in agreement. “Same goes to you.” Though, he looks a little more serious right after, his voice a little quieter now. “Especially if things escalate.”

“Don’t worry, I think I can handle this.” Reigen mumbles reassuringly and the ESPer seems to judge his words for a moment before deciding to believe him - for now at least. 

Without wasting another second, Serizawa politely excuses himself even if nobody but Reigen is listening to him. He gives him one nod before slipping out of the room and Reigen realizes that it’s time to pull his part of the weight now. Whatever the couple is fighting about at this point, is beyond him and he braces himself for the inevitable headache. All that’s left for him is to do his best and de-escalate the situation with as much finesse as he can while Serizawa finds the root of the problem. 

Fortunately for Reigen, his pleas seem to be heard, because the ESPer manages to track down and locate the spirit quite quickly. Considering how much chaos it seems to have caused for these people, it’s no surprise that it’s a rather feisty one. It slips through the house with trained ease and gives them somewhat of a difficult time, but sooner than originally anticipated, they find themselves back in the small rental car on their way home.

Despite finally nearing the end of the day, Reigen can’t deny that he feels incredibly stressed out at this point. He’s glad to finally be out of that place. The constant arguing had never truly stopped and if it were not for Serizawa’s presence he would be completely frazzled. It’s comforting to know that the ESPer is right there with him and at this point he wouldn’t know what to do without him. The thought that the other might leave one day had struck him before but every time he had pushed the idea into the very back of his mind to confront it another time that would probably never come. 

For now, he has to be thankful for having the other at his side and every little bit of self doubt that tries to force its way up is ignored in favor of concentrating on the comfortable silence between them. The sound of the motor is all that fills the space between them, Reigen having gone as far as to turn the radio off to have a moment of peace.

The quiet is interrupted only when Serizawa decides to speak up after a heavy sigh 

“I really hope they won’t ask for compensation for the cupboard I broke.” There’s honest concern in his voice and for a split second, Reigen’s eyes shift from the street towards the ESPer. His cheek is resting against his palm and his gaze is fixated on the road, while his free hand is casually drumming on the fabric of his pants, only stopping to play with ironed in fold every now and then. “Or any of the possible water damage to the walls.”

His lips turn up into a small smile then and with the evening sun hitting him through the window of the car, Reigen can’t help but admire how beautiful he is. When he finds himself getting lost in how nice Serizawa’s hair looks now that it’s a little grown out and with the curls returning, he finally forces his eyes back on the road. There were better times to admire the other in secret and most certainly better places than the middle of the street, even if there is a surprising lack of traffic. 

“I don’t think they will.” Reigen says with a shrug, his fingers tightening around the tacky plush covering on the steering wheel as he speaks. The texture of it is absolutely disgusting. “They might have completely different things to figure out than broken fixtures. Really, I was losing my mind. How can two people who fight like that even be together for that long - and have a daughter! I’m glad she didn’t have to witness that disaster. ”

One of his hands moves to emphasize his point, but he quickly forces it back down when he notices the car drift too close to the side of the street. Talking reminds him of how he’s exhausted not only mentally, but physically as well. It isn’t often that he’s left this drained after a job and he’s quite glad that there isn’t any other waiting for them today. He’s only slightly invigorated when the idea of asking Serizawa to grab some dinner strikes him. Maybe if the other still felt up for it, they would be able to spend the rest of their evening together and there’s no doubt that it would be filled with countless complaints about their clients. 

“There’s nothing worse than to spend that much time of your life with someone you only disagree with. Having a fight is one thing, don’t get me wrong, but this was ridiculous. I mean, shouldn’t a partner be someone that actually enjoys being around you?” Reigen can’t help the amusement in his voice and now that he’s able to talk about it a little more freely, he goes on without thinking. “Kinda like us, right? We spend all our time together, basically, and I’d say we are doing much better. Actually, I’m really glad we aren’t fighting like that, Katsuya.”

Instead of receiving a response, Reigen is met with another short stretch of silence that is long enough to make him realize how strange his statement must have sounded. The wave of embarrassment that hits him also fills him with anxiety. Suddenly, he wonders if that little mishap is enough for the other to see right through him. 

“I mean- I didn’t want to imply that we were together like that. A-a couple or married or anything.” One of his hands leaves the steering wheel once more to move through the air wildly in an attempt to distract from how flustered he is. The plush of the wheel cover comes in quite handy as he absent-mindedly begins to wipe his other hand on it to get rid of some of the clamminess. “I just mean in the office as coworkers. N-no, as friends, obviously-”

With his body switching to autopilot almost immediately, Reigen loses focus of his driving and without him noticing the car slowly begins to swerve dangerously close towards the middle of the street and to the other lane.

“Arataka-”

“I didn’t mean to imply anything or make you uncomfortable, we are strictly professional-” No, that isn’t right either. “Friends. Professional friends and-”

“Arataka, eyes on the road!” The volume and panic of Serizawa’s voice makes Reigen’s attention snap back to the road immediately and once he realizes what is happening, his free hand shoots back to the steering wheel. Maybe a little rougher than is needed, he pulls the car back to where it should be, breath a little heavier now, knuckles white with how tightly they hold on.

“Sorry. I just-” He laughs nervously, hunching closer to the windshield now than necessary and forces himself to focus forward almost obsessively. Partially for their safety and partially because he can’t bring himself to look at Serizawa right now. “Just meant to say I’m glad we are on the same page.”

“I know.” The ESPer sounds equally out of breath and strained, his body shifting to sit up straighter now. It takes some moments of Reigen keeping the car where it’s supposed to be for him to relax again. Though, he doesn’t sink back into the seat the same way. Serizawa takes a deep breath before he speaks again, obviously trying to sound as casual as possible. “I’m glad too, but- how about we stop talking for a little while?”

~♥~

There’s nothing more rewarding than a job well done. Not only does it fill Reigen with a sense of having done something good - at least when an actual spirit has been involved - but the rest of his afternoon is much more rewarding when it feels earned. At the end of the day, he always looks forward to being able to unwind.

A small and genuine smile tugs on his lips and he looks over to Serizawa, who’s standing a little ways away with their last client of the day. The old woman is fumbling with her wallet while the ESPer is busy writing her a receipt for the job. At this point, he is running Spirits and Such as much as Reigen does and it’s something that he had never thought possible when a fumbling and nervous Serizawa had accepted the offer to work for him. Even when he had started to entrust the other with more and more tasks, Reigen still hadn’t expected him to stay for very long. He has a hard time wrapping his mind around the fact that the ESPer had no intention to leave and admittedly, thinking about it too long makes it seem too good to be true. Serizawa makes an incredible effort to let him know that he isn’t going anywhere, though. 

After all, they weren’t only coworkers anymore and neither were they just friends. A bold moment of weakness was all it had taken Serizawa to cross the line they were tip-toeing around and it still makes Reigen’s heart race to think about what they were now. Just a few months ago it had seemed impossible and ridiculous for him to even hope that the other returned his feelings and to now know that he truly does is a realization that keeps overwhelming him every time.

The giddiness and excitement spreading through him as he considers what they would get for dinner tonight feels almost childish and yet, Reigen allows himself to simply enjoy it without doubt just this once. With neither of them having much planned this weekend, he tells himself that there might be enough time to indulge in Serizawa a little without listening to the voice in his head that still tries to convince him that this wouldn’t last. There are more than enough things he can think of that would most certainly distract him and each makes him more eager to get back to one of their homes than the last. Truly, if anyone had asked him what he had thought his future would look like, he would have not in a million years expected that he would run a somewhat questionable exorcism business with his psychic boyfriend. Now that he has it, though, there’s nothing he wants to change.

“You did a pretty impressive job today.”

His little moment of watching Serizawa help the woman count her change is interrupted by her son. He was about their age - maybe a year or so younger than Reigen - and had been around for most of the day. He had assumed that it was to make sure they weren’t trying to scam her, but now that it had come to actually collecting the payment, he had slid up next to him instead of keeping a close eye on his mother. 

“Thank you. We at Spirits and Such are always here for any of your needs concerning hauntings, possessions and the like.” Reigen says and it’s accompanied by a confident snap of his fingers. He reaches inside of his suit jacket, pulling out one of his business cards to hand over. It’s never too late for a little bit of self advertisement and if he had learned anything over the past few years it’s that one haunted family member usually resulted in a few more. “If you - or any of your acquaintances for that matter - are ever in need of any of our services, do not hesitate to give us a call. We pride ourselves in being flexible to your every need, though, short term out of office appointments do come with a fifteen percent price increase.”

The man looks down at the business card, turning it over in his hand a little. When his head pulls up again, he gives him a look.“Oh is that so?” Something about the dip and infliction in his voice makes Reigen shift where he stands and he starts to play a little with the cuff of his sleeve. There's something about the tone that strikes him as strange. He’s heard people trying to be sleazy before, and something about this is far too similar. “I’ll certainly keep that in mind. It’s not bad to have someone skilled and smart like you around in an emergency, is it?”

“Well- y-yes of course. Mind you, our services are for issues of the supernatural kind only. They come in a large variety from in-office physical exorcisms to on-site operations. However, we will gladly refer you to places that fit your needs in case your problems are not related to anything spiritual.” As he talks, he feels the other’s eyes roam over him from head to toe. The response he gets is a short intrigued humm and he doesn’t like the way he’s being watched. A smile tugs at the man’s lips and Reigen can’t help the way his eyebrows knit in confusion when he sees him pull a pen from one of his pockets. There’s a moment in which he scribbles something on the card and just a few seconds later he steps quite far into Reigen’s personal space to hand him back the little piece of cardstock.

Out of reflex and in hopes of the man stepping away after, he takes it and squints at the series of numbers messily added under the office’s contact info. A phone number, Reigen realizes.

“I’m sure physical exorcisms aren’t the only thing you’re good at - especially not with that amount of energy you have. I’m rather interested in those flexible services you mentioned.” Reigen’s head snaps back up from the business card and he notices just how close they were now. When the man has the audacity to wink at him, he allows himself to take a step back as politely as he can. While he is used to being the center of attention, he prefers it being of the professional variety rather than the personal. Blatant flirting isn’t something he’s familiar with and while at some point he might have been desperate enough, he can’t say he is now.

At an arm’s length, he holds out the card to return it and clears his throat.

“I … apologize for the misunderstanding, but my business is not the type to give you a hand in such things.” It’s a horrible choice of words on his part, but with how tense and sick he suddenly feels there’s no time to reconsider them. His free hand flies through the space between them dismissively and he hopes that is enough for the other to get a clue. At this point his forced smile grows painful and the smirk he gets in response makes anxiety curl in his gut.

Throughout the day, there had been a few rather impressed whistles and huffs that Reigen had assumed were meant for the flawless job Serizawa was doing. Now, however, he’s certain that if he had paid even an ounce of attention, he would have realized that they were most certainly not aimed towards any display of psychic powers. It takes him a sizable amount of willpower not to shudder in disgust and to keep up the professionalism. All he has to do is decline the other’s intrusive offer and move on with the rest of his day as planned. Though, it doesn’t seem to be as easy as that - it rarely is in Reigen’s case.

“Oh no. I think you’re misunderstanding my intentions.” He most certainly isn’t with how clear the other’s intentions are. ”I’m not asking for the services of your business. I’m far more interested in what you have to offer. I’ve been told I’m rather skilled at showing people a good time and don’t you think I haven’t noticed the way you look at that associate of yours. So no reason to deny yourself. Actually-”

Reigen’s extended arm is pushed out of the way in favor for the distance to be crossed again and the other rummages through his pockets once more. He pulls out a few spare bills and gently shoves them into the exposed front pocket of Reigen’s shirt. The unwanted touch makes him jolt. “A little tip for today. Enjoyed having you around, Reigen. Make sure to think about it.”

Reigen does not consider himself a particularly angry person and while he tends to get rattled if unprepared, he’s usually able to brush it off at the end of the day. This, however, is going too far even for him. While it certainly isn’t the first time one of their clients had gotten up close and personal with him, this oversteps far too many boundaries. 

“Excuse me, Sir, but who do you think-”

He doesn’t get much further than that before the man suddenly gets pulled back. Not even a second later an all too familiar arm slides around his waist and pulls him close to Serizawa’s side. So lost in his utter disbelief about the advances towards him, he hadn’t realized that the ESPer was done with collecting the payment and had joined them. He looks up at Serizawa in confusion and by the way the other’s forced smile doesn’t reach his eyes, Reigen can tell that he is absolutely furious.

It would most likely be possible for him to count the times he had seen Serizawa this upset on one hand and he realizes that the ESPer must have used his powers to bring some distance between them and the other man. In most instances, Reigen might remind him that this isn’t necessarily up to company policy, but considering the circumstances he’s rather glad for the intervention. With how protective the hand on his waist is holding onto him and with how close he is pressed up against Serizawa, he can’t help but feel a little flustered It isn’t unknown to him that he finds himself incredibly affected by the other’s protectiveness, but it still catches him off guard each and every time.

He’s so distracted by how inappropriately warm he feels under his collar, that it takes him a moment to realize that the ESPer has plucked the business card from his fingers. He reads it over for a moment and his eyes grow a little darker before he uses his powers to crumple it up midair and tosses it to the side right after. 

“We won’t be needing that.” His voice is level but cold and Reigen, despite how in awe he is, still hopes that Serizawa isn’t too affected by his own anger. He knows him well enough to be aware that the ESPer doesn’t particularly like to lose control of his emotions. However, this isn’t his normal protective behavior either and the sudden realization of what it is makes Reigen gasp quietly, his pale cheeks most likely a dark shade of red. Serizawa is jealous. 

“Taka, I think we should be going.” The ESPer’s voice is more demanding than Reigen is used to, but he finds himself too caught up in his revelation to care. While jealousy isn’t necessarily the most elegant way for him to find out, it still finally dawns on Reigen just how serious Serizawa is about him. The thought makes his head spin and all he can do for a moment is nod.

“Ah- Sure. Yes. It is quite late.” His answer is more of a breathless laugh than anything and he knows full well that his expression must be dumbfounded. Even if he would never admit it out loud, he finds himself finding an odd sense of fulfillment in the other’s possessiveness. It may just be for a moment, but he truly feels important. 

Serizawa gives the man across from them a last sharp glare and tightens his hold around Reigen even further. The only answer to the action is an audible swallow and without giving anyone else another chance to speak, Serizawa finally pulls him along. His guidance around Reigen is surprisingly gentle and all he has to do is keep up with the ESPer’s quick and long steps.

Only when they make their way off the premises does the pressure in the air around them fade. Carefully, the hand around his waist slips off in favor of moving to intertwine their fingers, a thumb brushing gently over his knuckles. He gives himself a moment to mourn the loss of contact and warmth and Serizawa a moment to collect his thoughts. 

Eventually, the ESPer sighs deeply, his shoulder sinking and his eyes firmly locked onto the ground. 

“I-” Serizawa’s words die in his throat immediately and his hand squeezes Reigen’s apologetically before he tries again. “I’m sorry. I know that wasn’t called for and I know you can take care of this stuff by yourself. I shouldn’t have- I just- ah. I just really didn’t like the way he was touching you. He was…”

His words drift off and once Reigen knows that Serizawa won’t continue, he allows himself to be the one stepping closer this time, their shoulders brushing ever so slightly.

“He was going too far.” He states matter of factly, huffing a little in annoyance. It’s obvious how nervous and guilty Serizawa feels about losing composure. His free hand is nervously rubbing his fingers together and his eyes are looking anywhere but Reigen. From where said man stands, he can see the ESPer worrying the inside of his cheek. He hopes that his almost casual tone is able to take some of the edge off and keep Serizawa from beating himself up too much. For a moment, he closes his eyes and concentrates on the warmth of the other’s hand in his. “Not only inappropriate, but right next to his mother as well. People these days. Every alleyway behind any old bar would have made for a better place to hit on someone. Really, what nerve that guy had. Is it too much to ask for just one normal client every now and then?”

 One of his eyes cracks open to glance up once more. His smile is encouraging and when he sees Serizawa smile back sheepishly, he is flooded with a wave of relief. The simple gesture is enough to make the last bit of Reigen’s work demeanor melt away and he exhales softly, fully relaxing now. 

When he speaks up again, his words are filled with honesty and much gentler than his previous attempt at being funny. “Trust me, ‘Suya. I don’t think there’s anyone that could ever begin to compare to you. Certainly no one I’d rather have here with me than you.” 

Reigen himself isn’t prepared for the amount of adoration his statement is laced with and faintly he wonders when he had started to lay his emotions out in the open like this. It makes him a little nervous but the small blush that spreads over Serizawa’s cheeks makes saying it worth it. 

Eventually, both their steps come to a halt and for a few seconds they do nothing but study each other’s expression, Reigen taking in the ESPer’s beautiful smile and any wrinkle that it comes with. 

The intimacy overwhelms him soon enough and he feels silly for not being used to it at this point. They had gone much, much further than just holding hands, but Reigen still isn’t able to feel so seen by someone else for longer than just a few moments. Though, if it’s for Serizawa, he is nothing if not determined to work on it.

“E-either way. Next time let’s try not to scare potential future clients to death. That isn’t good for the business.” His lecture is a weak attempt at distracting from how hot his face is and how fast his heart is beating and without much of a second thought, he adds, “Even if I have to admit that I didn’t mind it all too much. So don’t worry. With- I mean you looked-”

Serizawa looks at him with wide eyes and curiosity now. With the redness of his cheeks it is almost the complete opposite of his furious expression from earlier. Reigen can’t help but feel a little awkward now, not quite sure where he had expected himself to go from here. In the end, they still had a lot to learn about each other and he isn’t exactly sure what his words mean to the other. His free hand busies itself with flailing through the air when he continues, trying not to embarrass himself any further, “I-It’s good to know that you care that much. A-about me, I mean. Not that I doubted that or anything.” 

He isn’t able to keep their eye contact for much longer than that, but the last look on the ESPer’s face had already told him that trying to save himself had long gone out the window. Serizawa is already turning Reigen’s words over in his head and by the way  his hand squeezes once again, it is obvious that he starts to catch on. With the last of his dignity and his voice dropping into a slightly more serious tone, he tries to cover up at least some of the humiliation, “Still, try not to do it again.”

“Oh. I-I see.” The infliction of his words makes Reigen’s stomach twist in sudden excitement and he isn’t sure whether that’s a good or a bad sign. He has the feeling that his last statement hasn’t necessarily been taken seriously and he has the sneaking suspicion that Serizawa is working on his own plans now. Soon enough, the ESPer’s hand slips out of Reigen’s own sweaty one, just for an arm to find its way back around his waist.

“Won’t do it again, ‘Taka. Promised.” Considering the urgency and eagerness in Serizawa’s steps, he isn’t inclined to believe him. However, with how quickly he is matching the pace, he shouldn’t be allowed to point any fingers. “Let’s head to my place for today. It’s a few stops closer.”

Even from this angle, Reigen can see the way the other bites his bottom lip in excitement, his cheeks a few shades darker than normally and they just had to look ridiculously in love to everyone they pass. He finds himself not caring all that much, though, as long as he wouldn’t have to think about any other clients for the rest of the weekend. 

#Serirei #Mp100 #Mob Psycho 100 #My writing #can you believe i actually decided to upload this on tumblr too <3

[anheliotrope]

Shallow Approaches to Transhumanism

I recently watched Rhystic Studies' video on Phyrexia. In case you aren't aware, Phyrexia is a hellscape and a faction where horrific and runaway transhumanism features heavily.

I am often disappointed by how shallow even (supposedly!) great works of art treat transhumanism. I don't think Phyrexia says much that is meaningful on the topic of transhumanism's political problems -- and I'm pretty sure that was never the goal. I don't think MTG has to be deep on this axis, people don't go to fantasy for realistic political analogues, but despite that, people are drawn to trying to suggest strong connections to real world political issues. And this always makes me focus on the inadequacies of art rather than its virtues.

We live in a world where, sans AI risk, the main threat from technology is unequal control, which will lead to the class that has control over technology dominating the class that does not -- and this process can accelerate. This social problem is rarely represented in media and it is ongoing. It is not a problem of the future, it is a problem of the present. Those who do not have access to technology are forever at the mercy of those who do. And technological progress accelerates technological progress.

More on Phyrexia

To take Phyrexia as an example of shallowness -- it has beings that are just stronger than others. The resulting hierarchy is somewhat arbitrary or fueled by fantasy worldbuilding -- it is not generated by the societal structure of Phyrexia. The concept of Phyrexia generates the social structures as needed, in order to serve the themes the artist already wanted to depict.

And a lot of these themes of technology-induced spiritual degradation are used purely because it is a popular and easy theme to approach. It has been affixed to the shared artistic consciousness of humanity though sheer repetition because it is an easy way to introduce a tension where none would otherwise exist, and to explore interesting and messed up things.

Its origins lie in two places. Religious opposition and economic fears. For that matter, I can freely admit it is delicious for Phyrexia to have religious overtones -- this embraces spiritual degradation, it's just on the nose now, but it also assimilates a desire for spirituality within that which supposedly destroys it. I think MTG fails to take this synthesis to its extreme however -- Phyrexia is never a genuine religion that just happens to be extremely messed up, but rather it is a monument to the sin of pride, ala Divine Comedy.

Phyrexia's language is vastly more developed by the creators and has its own unique beauty, but the same care isn't given to its religious worldbuilding, which remains, in most cases, just an inversion of good, failing to emphasize the alien.

Human Revolution [spoilers]

Looking at Deus Ex: Human Revolution, the endings feature a pretty insane set of choices. I am going to explain them very expediently, feel free to look them up in more detail.

Reveal the truth about what corporations have been doing with augmentation technology and let humanity decide.

Pervert the truth, blame extremists, so that skepticism of augmentation technology does not rise.

Pervert the truth, to make all of it look as just an accident that can be resolved by increased government regulation.

Destroy the mcguffin facility, never share any information to humanity, to "let them decide".

The fourth ending is so idiotic we can ignore it.

If you have any respect for your fellow humans, casually creating an extremely potent distortion of reality by falsifying evidence on such an important matter should be out of the question (2 & 3).

If you pick ending 2, Adam talks about how it is in humanity's nature to rise above its limitations. Ending 3 is like a dumbass centrist take, humanity should self improve, but we need more oversight.

Ending 1, which is, on the object level, the least morally objectionable one, triggers Adam to say some extremely opinionated shit at the end such as "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal". Technology is bad and humanity cannot be trusted with it.

The common theme in all of this is that there are never specific groups at fault or specific features of how we have set up society. It's always about the essential moral value of technology and whether humanity's nature is good enough to handle technology. It is inherently both a collectivistic view and a strongly morally essentialist view. Phyrexia investigates transhumanism from the same angle, in this respect. I could rant for two hours how extremely Christian brained this is, but I'll spare you that.

What I mean to say in the end is that the vast majority of media is completely allergic to dealing with object level problems, with specificity. It is easier to repeat existing themes than to look again at the world and investigate something more relevant to our lives.

#transhumanism #phyrexia #deus ex #anpost #human revolution spoilers #the world really needed another mid rant #vidya #worldbuilding

[snugglyporos]

// So. I was reading some story someone sent me about what they considered a 'good' isekai, and at first I was kind of okay with it, but then I hit something like ten chapters in that made me go NOPE.

And it's the concept of differing morality.

Let me explain. Let's say you have a character from say, our world, entering a medieval fantasy setting. The medieval period, and indeed much of history, had vastly different ideas about morality, specifically, capital punishment. Meaning that for a society where death is everywhere, as people don't live as long, violence is endemic, and getting a cold means flipping a coin to see if you die, executing criminals is pretty routine.

Now, if you're someone who has been dropped into this world, and you see someone being accused of crimes, some of which seem pretty bad, such as murder or maybe magical ones such as necromancy, would you immediately think to stick your neck out to declare that executing them is wrong?

Because I feel like that's a really, really stupid thing to do.

Like it's one thing to believe that such a thing is wrong. It's another thing to insert yourself into a society you know nothing about and declare that they are wrong, that their laws are wrong, that their cultural beliefs are wrong, especially when you're the fish out of water here.

The saying 'when in rome, do as the romans do' exists because the best way to survive and get along is to go along with things even if you don't entirely approve of them!

Like if I was dropped into a fantasy world my primary drive would not be centered around trying to object to whatever weird laws the locals have. I would be asking for a copy of their legal code so I could learn what they were before I got myself in trouble.

Also! Just because you're not from a fantasy world doesn't mean you have no concept of what kinds of magic are like!

Like if you live in a world with say, RPGs, then you should be vaguely aware that in general, necromancy is bad. Sure, individual necromancers might be okay! But on the whole, they're usually the antagonists, and people who grave rob are usually not good people. Probably shouldn't stick your neck out for them on a whim.

Like I've said a lot about how sometimes lawful good can become lawful asshole, but I've not said enough about how chaotic good can become chaotic moron, because doing things that are theoretically altruistic but which make no sense is not a good thing!

There's a difference between 'I am against capital punishment because I believe people should be able to redeem themselves' and 'I believe that there should be no punishment for people doing transparently evil things because it makes me feel icky.'

Like I believe this strongly when it comes to tabletop especially. When you write a character or roleplay a character whose alignment differs greatly from the party or the society's norm, you need to establish how they coexist with them without causing problems!

For example, I often bring up my chaotic evil Oozemancer character who existed within a party of mostly good characters. To me, good/evil is actually altruistic/selfishness, and so he gave not one fuck about anyone or anything else except his oozes. And obviously, the BBEG is going to pose a threat to his beloved oozes, and so he is entirely willing to go along with the Paladin and company and acquiesce to their goals, because it provides material benefit to him.

Conversely, a paladin surrounded by evil characters might rationalize it by saying they're trying to provide an example for them to follow or trying to curb their worst excesses. They won't go along with obviously awful things, but you also can't object as strongly to mostly neutral actions. Dishonorable is not the same as evil, after all.

My point is, I cannot stand when characters grandstand about their morality systems in a situation which makes absolutely no sense for them to do so.

It's like if you were transported back to the height of the Aztec empire and witnessed human sacrifice, you're not going to stop the ceremony because they'll just sacrifice you next! That's not doing good, that's just being a moron. And it shouldn't be presented as the morally correct thing, because that's just character centered morality.

#ooc

[jackmfvegas777]

How is hormone therapy going? I've considered it myself but I'm nervous about it. Can you tell me a little about what its like? :)

Ah, thank you so much for asking!! I appreciate it!!

Well, the experience is really quite vastly different for every person on HRT.

For me, it was one of the best choices I have ever made in my life. I was hopelessly and horribly dysphoric for my whole life to the point of nearly not being able to function (dysphoria coupled with severe mental illnesses is for sure A Bad Time) and I was lucky enough to be able to get on it fairly early, thank God because I probably would not have lasted longer-apologies for that dark subject but it is necessary to mention for how much it turned my life around entirely.

I am still not fully transitioned to my liking per sé, as the full range of Testosterone's complete effects is a maximum of 5 years according to my research. I have been on it for nearly 2 years now. I plan to be on it for the rest of my life if possible, as I'd like all effects to stay forever-- I fucking ADORE every second of it, honestly I'm not afraid of needles either like most are so I literally get ecstatic & excited every time it's time to inject LOL!! Probably a weird reaction but--it legit makes me wanna throw a party every time those 2 weeks pass & it is time to.

(Not all forms of HRT have to be injected however, though it is the "strongest, most evenly distributed form" especially if done every 2 weeks instead of every 1 week,

as my doctor described it, which made me choose it--and coupled w my lack of giving a shit about injecting lmaoo)

I have had a lot of effects, I am also finally growing actual facial hair which is nice-though I learned I prefer my face clean-shaven or at least mostly, which is a hilarious twist tbh as I thought I'd want a full beard. I'm cool with both but I definitely prefer how I look without, so I shave every now & then currently.

My body looks entirely different, at least my shoulders and arms HELLA, I've had strong asf cis men say I'm built better than them which gives me giggle-fits of pridefulness LMAO--im petty ig--

but anyway to get to the true point--I would not be where I am today or perhaps here at all, myself, if I didn't go on it and exactly when I did. I am so extremely grateful for it occurring and that I have access to it at all--I am honestly hardly feeling dysphoria except on Really Bad days when it still hits me. Even things I should be dysphoric about and was in the past, idgaf about now. My chest barely bothers me now, and used to be my personal Hell. I have even decided to not do top surgery in the future which is... really bizarre as I was DESPERATE for it before (however this most-dysphoria-removal effect seems to be rare, so don't expect it to "cure" dysphoria, it didn't for me either but I'd say reduced it by like 90% or something lol. But most don't have that strong of a reaction)

My advice for you and every trans person on the fence about it, would be do a CRAP TON of research, on its every effect, type, etc. and talk to or read about/etc. as many people you can find who can give their opinions on their own experiences-as everyone has a different story!

If it is a "HELL YES" after that, then definitely go through with it. If there is still doubt, I'd wait. There is no rush as you can always decide to begin in the future

Know though, that if you do start it, but wish to stop later,

in some ways there's a "reset button",

but in some ways there is not.

Some effects will reverse if you stop taking T, like the fat & muscle redistribution, etc.

however some will stay, for example any body or facial hair that develops will then grow forever as the follicle is "activated" (male hair is a different subtype of hair, so once it's made it can't be reversed) and etc.

Be aware of which effects do this, and just in general, get as much information you can gather.

This info-gathering also has the added bonus, of impressing TF out of your endocrinologist if you do happen to choose to go the route of beginning taking it--

During the consultation, they'll ask if you know about it well, and for me, I began on a spiel of the things I knew & how much I researched because I was so excited to begin and how much it would help me.

By my Dr's reaction she was blown away by my very informed decision, that I had thought about it VERY hard, & I think that is what assisted me greatly in acquiring the prescription for it so fast.

Basically, if they either know or just think you are going into this without much context or don't seek it passionately, they think you may change your mind and that you're "going through a phase" or that you can't consent due to not enough information that you know on it for such a majour medical decision.

If you come in confident asf that this is what you need, and you're like "Yeah I know this, I got this shit locked down" they know they're dealing with someone who is very damn sure this is the path they need, and thus the doctor doesn't have to worry nor explain more, which speeds everything up.

Overall, I will end this by saying I wish you the utmost good luck, and that whatever path you choose, you feel happy and gender-euphoric!! Thank you for asking my advice & I hope I helped in any way!! 👍👍💜🏳️‍⚧️

(ALSO I SEE UR USERNAME MMMMMNN YES, SOMEONE WITH QUALITY TASTE IN CHARACTERS--LMAOOO SRRY IM A SHAMELESS WILLIAM FANATIC, I GOTTA MENTION THAT

UR USERNAME MADE ME LEGIT SMILE-- HAHDJGNGJGJGJG)

#trans guy tips #transguytips #transgender #trans #transgender guy #trans guy #transgender man #trans man #transgender male #trans male #ftm #ftm trans #transgender ftm #HRT #ftm hrt #transition #gender transition #hormone replacement treatment #hormone replacement therapy #hormone replacement #testosterone #testosterone hrt #advice #transgender advice #trans advice #lgbtqia #lgbtqa #lgbtq #lgbt #queer

[cupcraft]

to add to the conversation about meta and critical analysis and stuff i just want to say that critical analysis isnt bad in general. Hear me out though keep scrolling if you dont want to read a long discoursey kinda post but its not neg for reference /srs.

NOT A VAGUEPOST! I am commenting solely on trends of things in the fandom since my experience being here since 2020 writing meta since january 2021.

---

many people (like me for example) enjoy writing analysis that is through a critical lens even though we enjoy the narrative and character. Some people enjoy writing through that lens and they dont like that character or narrative. some people dont like the narrative or character at all and it would be critical. i think at least in all my experiences in fandoms is a really normal part of fandom analysis and enjoying a story and is fine! if you maintag you for sure should tag your crit and stuff but in general i think this on the whole isnt bad. Gen really weird cc neg is bad, and theres some other nuance of course but thats not the main pt of my post, but i dont think thats the majority of critical analysis in any fandom including this one we are in here. I just want to stress that people engage in this fandom in various different ways as they do in all fandoms.

I think what is really stressful is the vagueing that goes on. and for the record i am not vagueing anyone specifically by saying that and none of my mutual or people i follow or anyone at all, once again i am commenting on trends ive seen /srs! Like meta has become really difficult in my experience in fear of the neg that comes along with it or the thought that people "hate the dream smp/the content" or "hate cc's" etc because of it or even "cc's dont do lore because of posts like this". And i think that's something that needs to be addressed and talked about because it's something that we're all aware of existing and its definitely been a source of contention i think...

I think reblogging someones meta directly to discuss or add your own points (i always include a pls add on personally!) and or sending that person an ask if theyre willing to is also fine. I also think being inspired by meta to write your own points is quite fine too, those are all really enjoyable parts of fandom analysis.

and to use a personal example i know a lot of people who dont like c!ranboo or his narratives and after the ghostboo caimsey stream i remember there being a lot of discourse. I personally dont block crit analysis or anything bc i usually like to read it regardless, but i remember having a vastly different view of that stream and the narratives! So what i did was make meta about the lore from my perspective without vagueing anyone or have ties to what i read. I just was like "i really liked xyz and heres why" kinda posts. Its also crit analysis and all sorts of meta in general that have helped me change my views of characters or explore new narratives because of the different views i see about it.

What i'm trying to say is that like i think we can exist in a world where fandom crit and meta and noncrit meta and silly hcs and etc. can be enjoyable and cohesive together though i do realize there is some nuance to what i'm saying and this doesn't really handle all circumstances within this discussion.

And maybe youre a person who crit analysis stresses them out and it ruins your fandom experience. I think this is very valid but i think in fandom spaces we need to find ways to curate our own experiences. i'll admit some lore discourse has stressed me out too but i generally dont engage with it or i start ask games or hc games or i write unrelated meta or things just to avoid it. I dont have a lot of solutions for this other than: tag discourse and crit in maintagged posts, ask people you are mutuals with or follow if they can tag something (though there is no guarantee someone will and thats a okay!! you may need to block this person or their personalized blog tags for lore analysis), and or do what i do and write meta about how you did love a stream and why and start new discussions. Though i'm not sure of any other solutions off the top of my head, so i'm happy to hear more solutions.

The reason i'm writing this post is because of the crit analysis = you hate a cc and you just hate the narratives and you dont love the dsmp at all and you hold them at too high a standard etc etc etc kinda mindset i've seen since like late 2021. Because i don't hate cc's or the narratives. if i did i wouldn't be in this fandom, i woudn't write meta or engage with the content at all. and the vagueposting that i've seen is very discouraging to see at the very least especially as i've noticed how things have evolved since 2020 fandom.

I'm not sure if this is a good post, or if it adds to the discussion well. Tbh im afraid this will start discourse in itself which isnt really the point (though i tagged it that way for blacklisting...). This post is intended to help our fandom space be more cohesive to allow people the space to take narratives where they want (with nuance of course!) and for people to curate their fandom experience how they want too.

So as i always do with meta please add on, please send me asks about this. Reply. correct me even!! though i have turned off rbs because im kinda nervous for such a large discoursey style post being rb-ed around. All i ask is just dont vague me or sc this...like my anons are on i'm happy to discuss this and vagueing stresses me out which should be obvious from me writing this whole post.

because i want us to have a healthy fandom experience if we can and I see how stressed out its made me and many people on dsmp.blr during lore discourse days/analysis moments/etc.

let me know your thoughts <3!

#discourse #fandom discourse #cup.dsmpblr #not crit or neg just kinda opening up the discussion #not a vaguepost #long post

[aronarchy]

in your opinion, what should an anarchist and post-carceral society do about dyed-in-the-wool wrongdoers who *will* make the active choice to hurt people *deliberately* regardless of the societal conditions or measures taken to prevent harm?

(i'm not meaning to sealion here, i am just genuinely thinking about this question myself)

not really sure what you’re counting under “measures”—for example, taking a measure such as “killing them” would, obviously, ensure they stop hurting people. other things like (hypothetically) “isolating them w/no resources & no way out” would, also, drastically reduce to likelihood of them hurting people—no matter how much they want to & are willing to, if they don’t have the physical means, they can’t

though, I’m not in favor of things like imprisonment, bc to be able to lock up & hold someone like that already means you have some degree of disproportionate power and other things built and set up in place, and also it would be way overkill causing vastly more harm than needed which is bad

I struggle to imagine a world without any more prisons, bc I’ve never lived in one & our entire lives are saturated w/prison culture, tho there are some pre-carceral societies you could study; & personally tho I find it easier to think abt these things thru “what can I do right now,” bc it’s already a similar issue—trying to stop harm (a lot of harm happens in my life even rn), but w/o carceral apparatuses (also knowing that those can’t really help us with anything and are the harm, in similar ways)—and really anything we would do once we get to something that could be called a “post-prison” point is already what we’re doing now—or trying to do, tho the carceral state tries to prevent those things

& a key point abt that is that “harm” (esp in the form of abusive relationships) tends to not really follow a “community is in a position to stop it while it’s happening” in the first place, bc of how the entire society has a culture of silence built into it, & how tons of factors go into making these situations hard to escape or resist. & also how communities tend to suck at handling abusers even after they find out (lots of victim-blaming, not understanding how this stuff works, not understanding the risk etc). so w/, like, close interpersonal violence I’m very focused on improving the ability for victims to use self-defense, to escape, to cut contact w/abusers & decreasing the consequences for that, & helping us retake control of our narratives and decreasing tolerance for abuse & abuse apologia in general

there are also people, for example, I might come across near spaces I orbit rn & who are obviously not safe to be around (determined bigots, harassers, abuse supporters, etc) and a lot of the time I’m not in a position to do anything about that directly, but I try to spread knowledge abt right-to-not-interact-with-people-you-dont-want-to (for example), and awareness of how bigots & abusers/supporters use platforms and positions of power to enact harm, and making it easier for ppl to fuck off from them if they’re being toxic (think antifascist tactics, but including how they're applied on a smaller scale—focusing on preventing fascists from building power, denying fascism a platform from which to promote itself, interrupting the problem in its tracks before it can escalate to assaults or state takeovers)

every situation of harm/victimization is different, every manipulative/exploitative/abusive person is different, the treatment each gets from surrounding communities is different—but in general (if these things can even be said to be generalizable) whatever they are using to be able to cause the harm, whatever’s preventing ppl from doing effective self-protection, etc etc take care of that (& no one size fits all ofc but if it’s, like, a person who targets ppl in certain types of communities for attacks then a great first step would be removing them from their projects and disassociating from them and informing other at risk communities abt them)

#ask #profiction-monika #proship-kai #ramble

[doxxienecropsy]

Gender Absurdism

What follows is purely my own interpretation of my own experience. By no means is this an ideology I would feel the need to push on others, but it is a way of thinking that I've found particularly useful in how to internalize and project my own sense of self.

Whenever it comes up with a stranger, my gender expression is quantified as nonbinary, genderqueer, or gender nonconforming. As clunky as the words seem to me in describing myself, they do still have a modicum of being understood by even the less tolerant aspects of the communities I walk in. Whenever I talk about my gender with someone who I care to help understand me, or when I decide it's time to talk over the more esoteric aspects of gender with someone (hi, dear reader, that's you), I use a different set of terms. I am a gender absurdist. I am a gender of one.

I developed this concept at the end of a long line of thinking that began when I started to unravel the concept of the gender binary. What followed wasn't a radical thought, but it's something that resonated. Binary concepts are entirely artificial; they're artificial in relation to gender but equally so to almost any aspect of the material world.

The world, the universe, the uncaring and vastly complex expanse of physics that cannot care, is too complicated for binaries in the vast majority of cases. I'm not educated enough, I'm sure, to say anything with absolute certainty, but that kind of absolutism would just be another point of enforcing a binary. Do you see what I'm getting at?

The complexities are overwhelming. It's true that we are but wee little meat-sacks that have been blessed with the curse of sentience. Our level of cognition allows us to be able to grapple with some of the complexities, but conversely we also need boundaries. Where we decide these boundaries are often where it's asserted that there's a binary in existence.

Let's take gender for example. If we take a very conservative view, it's broken into a binary of masculine and feminine. Masculinity denotes boy and manhood, and femininity denotes girl and womanhood. But what features contribute to masculinity or femininity? Are they biological? What about the complexities written into our code that create biologically functional intersex people that are hidden these days from general awareness? Are the defining aspects social, cultural, or behavioral? That's a deep pit to start digging, trying to assign a masculine or feminine denotation to every facet of humanity. What happens when someone commonly accepted as a man is compelled by circumstance to be the primary caretaker to children? Does that make him a traitor to masculinity? I maintain that it all strikes me as absurd! It's just as complicated as any other part of our existence.

I look at myself as a weird and wild amalgamation of characteristics, both behaviorally and physically, that is probably unique to my own circumstances of birth and environment. I'm just as complex and special as the person standing next to me, the person subtly denying me service at a restaurant, and the person reading this (which if you still are, bravo. You deserve a kiss blown in your direction.). If we're all a gender of one, then there's no rationale capable of defining our inner experience and outward expression of gender beyond that of the absurd.

Predictably, there's a lot of dissent over just what the definition of absurdism is. More dissent than, I think, exists in a lot of other ideologies, or manifestos on how to view and interact with the world. The most widely accepted commonality is that the world is absurd (duh), lacks meaning, and is not fully definable by reason.

Our post-enlightenment society is kinda all about reason and rationality, which puts us in a bit of a predicament trying to justify our existence as beings outside the simplified binary of masculine and feminine. To that I have very little advice beyond what's worked for me so far: be as loud about it as you can safely be. Be the most joyful, kind, and complex version of yourself as you can imagine.

I mean ffs, I take pills that have taken my existing biology and added tits I grew myself. I'm a traditional small business owner, but I also make weird artsy porn. I have it in me to be assertive, haul wood out of the forest, and dig a drainage ditch, but I'll spend the rest of the day mending workpants by the fireside. What role do I have in society? I am absurd; I am a gender of one.

#gender #philosophy #absurd #nonbinary

[bluemoose86]

Also I feel your friend. After I turned 18, anytime I saw any moderately attractive guy who wasn't obviously older than me, I go and check just to make sure and nope the way out of there if they're too young lol. I swear everyone looks older than their age nowadays 😭 like I couldn't believe Dior was only 16 cuz she literally looks like she could be 20. It's wild. It's dangerous out there for us 18-20 year old lmaoo

No worries anon, I totally get it (replying to all your asks in one post just to make things easier). It’s definitely a weird age range to be in even without adding COVID to the mix, and you do have a point about people looking older than they are—I was also taken aback by Dior’s age bc I thought she was 17 or 18 and not 15, but I’ve also only seen the picture they posted with her announcement so it could have just been the way she was in the picture. I also thought Charlie was older than he was when I saw his picture. I think genetics over time has just lead us to this point lol.

In terms of where the line is, mental and emotional maturity has a lot to do with it, as well as where you are in your life. That’s why, for example, an 18 year old and a 16 year old is a little dicey, where as a 23 year old and 25 year old are not. At 18 you’re normally in college or about to go to college, while at 16 you’re still in the middle of high school. You’ve also probably had more life experience at 18 than 16, and that’s a period when people change a lot—personally, I was a completely different person at 16 than I am now at 18. A lot can happen in 2 years. That’s also why large age gaps between older adults are not considered weird or creepy, while age gaps between younger adults and older adults are: for example, a 19 year old and a 32 year old would probably be considered weird/creepy even if it’s not illegal, while a 32 year old and a 45 year old wouldn’t be even though they’re separated by the same number of years. A 19 and 32 year old are at completely different stages in their lives and have had vastly different life experiences. Meanwhile, a 32 and 45 year old are at similar places in their lives and have similar levels of experience. Does that make sense?

I think a good rule of thumb for “am I too old to like this person?” is if you’re worried about it, or feel like you’d have to bend over backwards to justify it, it’s probably better to say yes and avoid it, if only to save yourself the mental hassle. Like I said, you are approaching the line in my opinion, but you’re not on the same level as say someone who was 25. That’s definitely strange. I also want to reiterate that I’m not trying to call you a creep/predator/anything like that or demonize you in any way. Intention has a lot to do with that—you’re not immediately jumping to justify yourself and you’re consciously aware of all these factors. It would be a different case if you knew all of these things and just brushed them off entirely, yk?

In terms of sexualizing someone vs just saying they’re pretty, it comes down to physical/sexual attraction vs aesthetic attraction. Sexualizing means you see someone as sexually appealing and you’re sexually attracted to them. A lot of people would bang their celebrity crushes if given the chance (which I think is weird no matter the context, but that has more to do with me being on the ace spectrum lol). On the other hand, finding someone aesthetically attractive is similar to saying a sunset is pretty—I’m a lesbian, but I still think Chris Hemsworth is attractive. Sexualization is also related to objectification a lot of times (but not always), which can definitely add to the weirdness meter.

Again, these are all just my opinions, and I’m speaking from my own understanding and experiences on these matters. Some people may say differently, and some probably will explain themselves much better than I do—I’m sure lots of people have made videos or articles about this kind of thing, since it is an interesting subject and one that’s becoming more prevalent in our society.

I hope I was able to help!

[miazeklos]

Popular opinions about the Lannisters that you disagree with?

Oh, Anon, you've unleashed something terrible. ;D I disagree with so many popular fandom Lannister-related opinions. I'll try to keep it short - and likely fail. All opinions mentioned are show-based unless otherwise specified. I tried to highlight names here and there so that you can just read the parts of this rant that you care about if you want. ;D

- To get the worst out of the way: 'Jaime and Cersei only love each other because they see themselves in the other' makes literally zero sense with their show relationship and personalities and I am sick to dеath of seeing it in meta based on show events.

- I've said this before, but: Cersei was not crazy, was not ~spiraling into madness~ and never would have. Yes, she did a lot of terrible things because she was cornered into it or because she's ruthless, impulsive, has anger management issues, and sometimes is straight up just a bad person. Getting rid of her enemies the way she did, spreading propaganda and being neurotically aware of everyone who could possibly be a danger to her family is not a madness symptom, it's a 'Tywin Lannister raised this woman' symptom. Being a war criminal doesn't mean you're insane; it just means you're a war criminal.

- And while we're on the topic: she was genuinely just a pretty decent, organised and effective ruler when you consider that the decisions she made that we saw consisted of trying to keep the parts of Westeros that she did have control of fed, out of ridiculous amounts of Iron Bank-related debts, and out of danger. Yes, they were a meat shield, but the Red Keep was the safest place for them to be anyways. She did literally anything she possibly could to defend the city, even if it was only to defend herself, and it was impressive how much damage she did considering that she was vastly disadvantaged by her enemy having the faux medieval equivalent of nukes.

(And I will never not be delighted at the show calling her more efficient and effective than Tywin, literally never.)

- Tyrion wasn't stupid in seasons 7 and 8; he was just plagued by severe conflict of interest. Yes, he made mistakes; yes, a few domino events that could have been prevented (like, y'know, the Wall falling down and other minor mishaps) were rooted in questionable decisions he made, but it was literally all because he was trying to have his cake and eat it too. The only genuine mistake he made was thinking that Casterly Rock would be the main line of defense; everything else was a deliberate, if bad, choice that he could predict the outcome of.

- (both book and show) Jaime is responsible for 100% of his own decisions, like. Not sure how this is still an argument. A popular take on everything from him entering the Kingsguard to pushing Bran out the window to returning to KL at the end of the show is that it's all somehow Cersei's fault because she was so much more mature and clever when they are. literally twins. He was cognisant enough to make his own choices the entire series. For the majority of the time, no one asked him to do all that, but he did, and anyone but Jaime getting blamed for that is wild.

- While Jaime does have his moments of 'hey I'm kind of being a terrible person right now', he;s much less remorseful than people seem to think he is. Riverrun, both in book and show, is an excellent example of that, IMO, even if his speeches in the two sources took different directions. Most of his good deeds feel like more of an attempt to prove himself to himself rather than putting his heart into the good deeds in question, if that makes sense.

- Once they were out from under Tywin's influence and the truth about Joffrey's dеath was revealed and they got all their unreleased drama out of the way, Cersei and Tyrion got along surprisingly well and I dearly wish that we'd seen them actually talk at least once more even though I understand why it wasn't possible.

- Tyrion is neither a villain nor a saint; he's pretty much the definition of anti-hero, IMO.

- Tywin dуing was entirely his own fault and Tyrion was right to kill him. (Is this an unpopular opinion, actually? I don't think I wanna know)

- This might just be me enjoying the Game (TM) more than any other aspect of the show as per usual because I know plenty of people who found it dull, but the Cersei vs Daenerys political storyline in season 7 was genuinely the most engaging/intriguing/entertaining/analysis-worthy part of the show for me. Just, Cersei being a ruler with such off-handed ease was a treat in general.

- And finally, back to Cersei, book version: even in the books where she's far more chaotic than she is on the show, she's still just genuinely doing her dаmn best with the education she had to rule (which was minimal because Tywin never wanted her to rule in her own right) and, like... prior to reading the books (I started with the show), all the discussion boards and forums and the like had led me to believe that her chapters, when I eventually would get to them, would pretty much be just crazy talk and completely incoherent delusional stuff. They were not and the inside of her mind was actually a really fascinating place to be. Even when she made mistakes, I could see where she was coming from, and a lot of her feelings honestly made perfect sense to me and I gradually started to distance myself from the ASOIAF fandom because the whole experience led me to discover that the majority of these people just. do not like or respect women very much, or at all.

This got about as long as suspected. :/ Thank you for the ask, Anon!

#Cersei Lannister #Jaime Lannister #Tyrion Lannister #house Lannister #asks #got

[fleursowl]

Remus & Lily friendship drabble

Remus was definitely the first marauder Lily tolerated

James was, well, James, Sirius was almost as bad, and Peter just went along with what either of them said 

despite Lily’s tolerance of Remus, they didn’t become friends until they were both made prefects in fifth year

Lily walked into the prefects carriage and stopped at the door in shock when she saw a scowling Remus Lupin already sat in there, and she immediately looked around for any evidence of his little gang

“Are you planning a prank?”

“No, I think it’s more like someone’s pulling a prank on me- what’re they doing, making me a prefect?”

Although Lily very privately agreed with this, as she was perfectly aware of just how many rules Sirius and James were now able to break that they had a prefect on their side, she sat down next to him anyway, laying a placating hand on his shoulder

“I mean, I’m sure it won’t be that bad, will it? Little kids like you, you’re very calm and collected, and certainly know all the rules as you know which ones Potter and Black have broken.

“Which is all of them,” Remus agreed, laughing before his face fell again. “It’s not just that, I mean- a whole separate carriage? The journey to Hogwarts is like a thing for us, and Prongs will be right pissed when he finds out I’m gunna miss them all unless I can get away. And Sirius hasn’t had a good summer- if someone doesn’t kick him out of it soon, he’ll be in a mood all week.”

Lily watched Remus rant and ramble with raised eyebrows, surprise settling in her as she was reminded yet again just how oddly close those boys were. No matter how much she disapproved of them, she couldn’t help but admire how much they cared about and looked after each other. 

Lily and Remus spent the rest of the train ride up to Scotland forming a friendship that went beyond their usual mutual respect- they were now allies, both rather put out at having been made prefects as they would now be expected to deal with James and Sirius

however, it wasn’t until the Halloween party later that year that Remus and Lily’s friendship properly solidified  

Lily had been keeping an eye on Remus all evening in a rather futile attempt to not stare at James, who was dancing rather too attractively with Marlene- and yes, Lily knew Marls was a lesbian, but didn’t mean she could be jealous disapproving, did it? James was not being a good example to the first years, that was all

Remus was also not being a good example to the first years- he had drunk far too much, and was currently stumbling across the room to where Lily was leaning against the wall 

“Orright?” he asked in a thick voice, his welsh accent particularly strong in his inebriation 

Lily tore her eyes away from where James and Sirius were dancing together suspiciously inappropriately seeing as they were practically brothers, and was surprised to see that Remus’ eyes were also glued to the pair

“You’re off duty, you know? You don’t have to be keeping an eye on them,” Lily grinned, nudging Remus with her elbow teasingly, though she was secretly glad someone was watching the pair as they had now clambered onto a table and were continuing their show so that the whole of Gryffindor Tower could see

“I’m not watching them to monitor their behaviour, I’m watching them because I’m in love with him,” Remus answered bluntly with a laugh, then clapped his hand over his mouth in shock. “What in Merlin’s underpants is in this bloody drink?” he moaned, regarding the bottle in his hand with the height of distrust

“You’re in love with James?” Lily asked in horror, not sure why she was taking this so badly, and felt rather offended when Remus laughed openly at her

“I thought you were meant to be smart? No, of course not, it’s Sirius.” Remus said brazenly, again looking vastly surprised with himself at his honesty. “Has someone spiked the bloody Firewhisky?” 

“You’re in love with Sirius?” Lily spluttered, feeling like she was repeating herself but she couldn’t quite wrap her mind around it. “Oh, wait- yep. That makes sense.” she smiled smugly, leaning against the wall and folding her arms in front of her chest.

Remus snorted, rolling his eyes at her. “Bit hypocritical of you to act all high and mighty- anyone with sight can see that you’re arse over tit for James.” he replied confidently, a shit-eating grin curling at his lips

Lily opened her mouth quickly to indignantly protest, but closed it again as soon as she did. Groaning, she hid her face in her hands as she shook her head at herself. “Yeah, I suppose I am.” she grumbled, and Remus wrapped his arms around her shoulders comfortingly as the pair thought longingly about how irritatingly irresistible the objects of their desires were

Little did they know, from across the room James and Sirius were watching them with frowns on their faces. 

“Why is Moony touching her? She’s laughing- Pads, she never laughs at me. I’m going to have Moony make me more funny and-”

“Hang on, I think she’s crying now? And Moony’s- no!- he’s wrapping an arm around her!” 

“What! Around my girlfriend?” James thundered, beginning to march over to them before Sirius hastily pulled him back. 

“She’s not your girlfriend until you ask her out, you idiot- and until she says yes.”

“Well, at least I’ve got further than you. You haven’t even asked Remus yet.” James snorted, a put still on his lips as he watched Remus and Lily stood so close together. 

“I’m sure it’ll all work out in the end, mate.” Sirius said breezily, slinging his arm over James’ shoulders and steering him over to the drinks table. “And until then...” 

Four years later, Remus and Lily leant against each other as they watched from the doorframe as James and Sirius performed a puppet show for Harry tucked up in his cot, making each other laugh more than they made Harry with their squeaky voices as they pranced Remus’ socks around on their hands. 

“Sirius is good with kids.” Remus said fondly, warmth growing in his heart as he watched Sirius’ face glow when he coaxed a little chuckle out of the small child. 

Lily hummed in agreement, her head falling onto Remus’ shoulder as she watched her family. “Yeah, he's a good godfather. Next one’s yours though.” 

#Remus Lupin #Lily Evans #James Potter #Sirius Black #remus x sirius #Sirius x Remus #james x lily #lily x james #remus and lily friendship #remus and lily #remus lupin headcanon #lily evans headcanon #remus lupin textpost #lily evans textpost #jily #jily textpost #jily headcanon #wolfstar #wolfstar textpost #wolfstar headcanon #jily fluff #wolfstar fluff #sirius black textpost #sirius black headcanon #james potter textpost #james potter headcanon

[bottlesandcats]

hiii!! i hope it's okay to just ask you, i really want to start writing fanfiction but i'm so embarrassed of my writing style and in general, ever showing it to anyone? do you have any tips for beginners? 🥺

Hey there Anon! Sorry for the delay in getting back to you, but I was at work when I saw your ask, and wanted to really think about what to say before responding. With that in mind, I hope you don't mind a really lengthy answer.

I have to say I’m incredibly flattered to have someone ask me for writing tips, and will do my best to provide some insights based on my own experience. I'm no expert, but I've done a lot of writing both academic and creative. Of course, it goes without saying that the following strategies are what work for me, personally. Everyone works and thinks differently, so some of my suggestions may not fit the way you work and that's totally okay!

Because I am an anal nerd, I've organized my responses into categories.

Writing Style

Firstly, remember that your writing style is unique to you and you have nothing to be embarrassed about! But honestly, I think a lot of writers feel the same way; I don’t actually like my fiction writing style, either, and am always working to improve it.

One thing I’ve found that helps: find authors whose style you really like, and read and reread their stories and study how they write. What’s their sentence structure like? How do they write dialogue? How do they set up scenes? Is it through dialogue or more through the use of a character’s thoughts? This is what I do. I have three authors, who all write in a particular way that I really love, that I tend to reread and study for inspiration. Just know that your style is not set in stone and you do have the ability to adjust it, it just takes practice.

At the end of the day it's easy to wish we could write like our favorite authors, but don't be too hard on yourself; your style is special, too!

Getting Started

When I used to write research papers in school, I was a big fan of creating outlines before I'd start writing the actual paper. However, for creative writing, I don't use outlines because I find that I'm constantly changing things around. The outline would either have to be so basic in order to allow for flexibility that it wouldn't be of much use, or it would become irrelevant three chapters in.

Writing that first sentence is probably the hardest part of writing a story. What I did, for the story I'm working on now, is picked a part that I was really excited to write about and just started with that, first (I'm pretty sure it was something that comes much later in my story, that I haven't even posted yet). That helped me to get really into the process and feel confident about what I was doing, which made it easier to move onto other sections. What I'm trying to say is don’t be hemmed in by feeling like you have to write sequentially. I tend to write scenes as they come to me; I don’t force myself to write consecutive chapters, if that makes sense. For example, in my current story, I had chapter 14 finished before chapter 11 bc I had a burst of inspiration and just wrote it all out. Just be aware that sometimes this can lead to you writing yourself into a corner (which did happen to me in this fic), but the beauty of it all is that it’s your story and you can change whatever you want!

If you’re writing a story with chapters, keep a point in mind. My beta reader actually taught me this. With each chapter, ask yourself “What is the goal of this chapter?” Think of chapters as mini stories that, when combined and read in order, create one big story (duh). Therefore each chapter should ideally have a purpose that moves the overall story forward.

Write about what you know. If you don't know -> research

Authenticity is really important to me. I have googled the most random shit for this story: "Did soldiers have to repair their own uniforms in WWII?" "Popular slang of the 30s and 40s." "How to make jambalaya." "Popular cigarette brands of the 30s."

I have also been very careful around race in my story as it involves POC and I'm as white as white gets (I got a hyphenated name and everything). When I address a character's emotions around race I try to match it to how they acted in the show/movie. I don't rely on conjecture or how I think they'd feel, bc as a white person, it's impossible for me to truly know what it's like to be a POC. This also goes for dialogue; it can be easy to turn people into caricatures. I've watched TFATWS at least three times, and have watched numerous interviews with Anthony Mackie to try and make sure I write dialogue and emotion that fits him as an individual and not a stereotype. It's not perfect, and I'm sure I've made some mistakes, but it's something that's really important to me and I try my damndest to make sure Sam Wilson comes across as authentic.

Getting Edits

I see a lot of people suggest sharing your work with friends or family to get feedback. I'm not really a fan of this because I'm pretty private about my writing. I don't want anyone that I know reading it bc, frankly, I'm embarrassed (hey look how we came full-circle there!). Besides AO3, Tumblr is the only space that I feel comfortable enough to share my work without fear of judgement. I think the preferred alternative is to get yourself a beta reader. This is the first fic that I've worked on with a beta reader and...wow, what a huge difference it has made! I found my beta reader when he posted on tumblr expressing an interest in beta'ing, and so I messaged him (hey @3dg310rdsupreme). It’s the best decision I ever made. He has truly made me a better writer, and my current in-progress fic wouldn’t be nearly as good without him offering edits, acting as a sounding board, and reigning in my excessive use of lengthy paragraphs (he will probably cringe at these paragraphs, here).

Posting Your Story

If/when you do decide to post your story in a public forum, try to maintain a loose posting schedule. When I first started uploading I committed to a chapter a week, but by the eighth chapter I was getting too stressed and found myself glued to my computer 24/7 trying to keep up. Hold yourself to goals so you don't wind up abandoning the fic, but remember that you are your own boss and this is meant to be fun, so go easy on yourself. I'd also recommend getting several chapters finished BEFORE you even post the first one, to give yourself a head start. You think you have plenty of time but it's surprising how much time edits and rewrites can take.

It can be really scary to share your work with others. Writing is really hard, can be very personal, and it's an incredibly vulnerable feeling to put yourself out there like that and leave yourself open to the judgements of others. I was terrified when I first started to upload chapters because I just wasn't sure what reader etiquette was like. The last time I posted a fic was on FanFiction.net almost 10 years ago and ppl did not hold back their criticism (I think things have vastly improved since then or maybe AO3 readers are just nicer). I can't emphasize this enough: you are not obliged to take readers' criticisms/feedback whether they are constructive or not. I don't ever leave criticisms or corrections when I comment on other writers' stories; I honestly don't feel it's my place to do anything other than support them as they are sharing their talents for free. Some writers welcome constructive criticism, and will typically state that in the notes if they are open to it. I do not; it's why I have a beta reader. I did have one reader post a public comment correcting me on a couple things (one of which was a misunderstanding on their part) and I politely requested that in the future any corrections should be sent to me privately, not publicly shared.

Wow...I think that's a good start. I really hope at least some of these tips will be useful to you! Thanks for reaching out, feel free to do so again, and if you ever want to send some pages my way you are more than welcome to! Just remember, be kind to yourself and have patience bc seriously…

#seriously this turned out way longer than planned i'm so sorry anon #but i had a lot of feelings and thoughts to share and i'm just so flattered you think highly enough of me to ask #long post #asks #writing is hard #tips for writers #writing #creative writing #good investments #but also invest in yourself #fan fiction

[theharellan]

Marking Time

Part one of a series of headcanons discussing holidays and celebrations in Elvhenan, both in the empire itself and the rebellion that later challenged its power. I’ll be laying out my influences more clearly in the next part, but for now I’ll just say that my major influences in writing this are Jewish and Celtic. I’m doing this with feedback and may make adjustments as I go forward. I’m also happy to share headcanons and I’m also just as happy to make room for one another’s headcanons should they conflict in roleplay.

As a final note: conlangs are not my specialty, I am just doing my best. Oh, and please don’t reblog this without asking me first!

Elvhenan

Cole: Look at all the stars. Their light is very far away. Some of them are gone.

Solas: Vast but still. Does it bother you, how different it looks than the sky in the Fade?

Cole: At first, I didn't remember. Now I just want to forget.

Before the Veil time was, shall we say, a nebulous concept. We know it existed in some sense from codices such as the Hundred Year Duel and Birds of Fancy, which both refer to “years,” indicating that the idea exists, but is treated much differently from how we might treat a year. There aren’t birthdays, traditional New Years, and everything else we associate with a calendar year. From what we know of Thedas, it takes the same amount of time for the plant its on to rotate around the sun as Earth, and I think Elvhenan were cognizant of that fact but didn’t consider it particularly remarkable. If they had anything resembling months, I think there would only be four— spring, summer, fall, and winter, beginning on the equinox and ending on the solstice, or vice versa.

Rather than measure time based on the rotation of the planet, or even the rotation of the moons around the planet, Elvhenan measured time on other celestial bodies. The elves and spirits of Elvhenan are consistently associated with the air and sky, in contrast to the dwarves, they also through the Fade seem to perceive the heavens differently than we do. As I highlighted above, Cole is aware of the fact that many of the stars they see are dead, and I think this would also mean that Elvhenan possessed knowledge of things such as the expansion of the universe, the the death of stars, the passage of comets, the rotation of whatever system their planet lies in around the universe’s center, et cetera. It was through these that they marked the passage of time and designated particular holidays. For example, a centenary comet which passes beneath the boughs of the constellation now known as Fervenial might kick off a holiday honouring the goddess Andruil.

In Elvhenan sacred space was also considered more important than sacred time. Pilgrimages were common and often important parts of the lives of the faithful, but there was never a set time of year in which to take them. It was always the where instead of the when, and I mean “where” in two senses of the word. Where could mean the sacred lands of Mythal, or the wooded paths in deep, dark woods, with only the distant stone gaze of Fen’ara to mark the wilderness, but “where” could just as easily be a state of being (or sometimes both). Attaining a particular state of mind through meditation was an important step in reaching the Deepest Fade, a mark of spiritual achievement that took years of work and practise. Being in the right emotional state of mind to embark on a pilgrimage was important, and failing to do so would risk the wrath of the god in question.

Elvhen Revolution

Vir sulahn'nehn Vir dirthera Vir samahl la numin Vir 'lath sa'vunin'

Come the rebellion, time is measured differently. It begins first and foremost as a survival tactic and a war tactic, I’ve mentioned in prior headcanons that the rebellion employs guerilla tactics in order to get the edge on Elvhenan’s forces, which vastly outnumber theirs. One way they subvert the manner in which war is waged is making battles much shorter than is expected. We see in the Duel of a Hundred Years that some battles could last a century and the most noteworthy thing about them was not their longevity, but the reason for which they were fighting (preventing a war between the gods). By making battles that are expected to last years last weeks, days, hours, retreating into dreams as quickly as they manifested, they catch the enemy off-guard. By inventing the concept of weeks they’re living in a way that their enemy doesn’t even fully understand. It allowed things to be put on tighter schedules, enabled meetings to be arranged and carried out on short notice, enabled rotating shifts for things such as uthenera where oftentimes someone had to be the person to rise and make sure the others’ bodies would not starve to death in dreams.

And it enabled sacred time rather than sacred space.

Often deprived of the places they would consider sacred, the rebellion created their own sacred ceremonies from wherever they happened to be. Battles that were fought and won on one cold winter morning would be marked again the next year in celebration and memorial, but carried on no longer than the skirmish itself had. When it is their freedom upon the line what time they have cannot be eaten up by weeks or years of frivolity. Not when tomorrow could be their last day alive.

Their years began with summer and their weeks began and ended with sundown, each month contained twenty-nine or thirty days, divided further into two fortnights, and there are twelve to thirteen months in a year (every two and a half years an intercalary month is added).

Days of the Week

The week begins with Saturday night/Sunday morning and continues on to sundown on the following Saturday.

Sa’laia — First Night (sah-lie-a)

She’laia — Second Night (shay-lie-a)

Tanalaia — Third Night (tah-na-lie-a)

Nehlaia — Fourth Night (neh-lie-a)

Uylaia — Fifth Night (ooth-lie-a)

Valaia — Sixth Night (vah-lie-a)

Var’laia — Our Night (var-lie-a)

Months

There are twelve to thirteen months in the year, with a leap month every two and a half years to compensate for the shift in the year.

Enasalas — The Triumph of Joy Over Grief — Justinian-Solace / June-July

Bella’serannas — The Time of Many Thanks — Solace-August / July-August

Valelgar — The Sun’s Waning — August-Kingsway / August-September

Adhalana — The Time of Trees — Kingsway-Harvestmere / September-October

Elvhen’al — The Gathering of the People — Harvestmere-Firstfall / October-November

Sethenerava — The Time for Dreams — Firstfall-Haring / November-December

Estarasyl’an — The Month of Stars — Haring-Wintermarch / December-January

Fen’banal’ras — The Wolf’s Shadow — Wintermarch-Guardian* / January-February

Mi’avhena — Winter’s End — Guardian-Drakonis / February-March

Thenalava — The Time of Waking — Intercalary Month, occurs every third year

Ghilana’ma — The Time of Guidance — Drakonis-Cloudreach / March-April

Anallas — The Month of Clouds — Cloudreach-Bloomingtide / April-May

Balam’shivana — The End of Duty’s Chains — Bloomingtide-Justinian / May-June

* The month of Guardian is a remnant of the Elvhen calendar’s influence upon the Tevinter calendar, as wolves are/were considered guardians in Elvhen myth.

These calendars later went on to become the Dalish calendar. After the fall of the Veil, refugees from both Elvhenan and Fen’Harel’s rebellion were overtaken by Tevinter, and their traditions melded and informed what is now contemporary Dalish culture. It is likely this calendar fell out of use during the period where Elvhenan’s survivours were slaves of Tevinter, and picked up again after they won their freedom. Names and meaning likely also changed as memories of the evanuris and their tyranny faded from memory.

#( long post ) #( headcanons ) #this place of love ( elvhenan ) #i will die with you and you will be reborn again with me ( rebellion ) #v; we were everyone ( elvhenan ) #v; gods will fall but we will rise ( elvhen rebellion )

[makeste]

just another long rambling post trying to explain why I, a Bakugou fan, would treasonously want him to lose his quirk

this is something I had originally intended to post about later down the line, after we actually know for sure whether or not Bakugou is going to lose his quirk. but seeing as parts of this post (see: point #5) also indirectly address some issues that people had with the latest chapter (283) as well, I decided I might as well jump the gun.

this is a topic I’ve gotten a lot of asks about, and so I’ve tried to gather all of those various arguments into one single post with my own comments and rebuttals. however, the purpose of this post isn’t really to convince anyone or change anyone’s mind. it’s pretty much just an explanation of why I am so sold on the idea. I think it’s a little defensive at times, and I definitely feel like one of the side effects of getting asks like this...

...is that I feel compelled to explain that yes, as the veritable mountain of Bakuessays on this blog can attest to, I am in fact a Bakugou fan, and have not been standing here this whole time just waiting for the perfect moment to rip off my disguise revealing my secret “#1 Deku Stan!! BAKUGOU CAN SUCK IT” shirt underneath while cackling nefariously. like. just so we’re clear on that here.

I know I’ve said this repeatedly, but it’s precisely because I’m such an adamant fan of Bakugou that I’m excited over the story potential of him possibly becoming quirkless. as for why I keep bringing it up, honestly it’s mostly just because I keep getting the asks, lol. and so my options are basically to either say “ah you know what, you’ve convinced me,” or to keep trying to explain my reasoning at the risk of making everyone increasingly mad and/or bored.

anyway, so there are five arguments which I want to address, and they are as follows:

it’s repetitive/boring/we’ve already had the plotline of a prodigy student losing their quirk.

it cheapens Bakugou’s character development by directly “forcing” him to learn something, instead of him arriving at the conclusion on his own.

losing his quirk would put him on the back-burner, story-wise, and exclude him from further fights and story development.

Bakugou doesn’t need to learn anything more/there isn’t anything important Bakugou could learn by losing his quirk that he couldn’t learn in some other manner.

losing his quirk would mean him falling hopelessly behind Deku, and playing second fiddle to him when he should be Deku’s equal. it would render his whole story and all of his development meaningless.

before I get started, please be advised that this is a very long post. like, tragically long. idk I did my best to rein it in but it just got ramblier and ramblier sob anyways so here’s a cut.

okay!

1. it’s repetitive/boring/we’ve already had the plotline of a prodigy student losing their quirk.

have you ever heard people pose the argument that all of the good stories have already been told? the idea is basically that there’s no such thing as a truly original story anymore, because humankind has been telling stories for thousands of years and we’ve exhausted any and all original ideas by this point. the problem with this, though, is that it assumes that (1) stories must always be 100% completely original in order to be good, and (2) if the basic building blocks of two stories are the same, then those stories must basically be identical. which is very much not the case. classic story structures are classic for a reason. the best stories are based around themes and conflicts and story beats which have been reimagined in a million different ways, and which work precisely because they’re familiar, and because they still resonate with people each and every time. and each and every time, it’s still a different story, because even if the ideas and themes and even some of the emotions are the same, the people are different, and no two people’s stories will ever be exactly the same.

all of which is to say that firstly, just because someone has already lost their quirk doesn’t mean it’s not an interesting enough concept to explore again. but more importantly, Bakugou and Mirio are not the same person. Bakugou is a completely different character than Mirio, with a completely different personality and history, and completely different relationships with the other principal characters. in other words it is absolutely not the same story at all. Bakugou won’t react the same way as Mirio. he’s not a character who can be faded into the background like Mirio unfortunately was. and most importantly, he’s a character whose own personal history with the formerly quirkless main character makes this an extremely personal and compelling character arc which would hit in a vastly different way than Mirio’s. I don’t think it’s repetitive at all, any more than “the heroes fight the villains” is a repetitive plotline. basically this argument, which is subjective to begin with, just doesn’t hold any water to me, I’m sorry.

2. it cheapens Bakugou’s character development by directly “forcing” him to learn something instead of him arriving at the conclusion on his own.

okay there are two counterarguments that I want to make here. the first is that this has always been Bakugou’s character development process since day one. he has never simply just arrived at a zenlike conclusion on his own through stern self-reflection or anything like that. his entire story has been him learning and growing from one humbling experience after another. examples:

he stops bullying Deku after Deku saves his life.

he undergoes a huge shift in attitude after Deku beats him in their training fight on the second day of school. he eats a healthy serving of humble pie and listens to the constructive criticisms that Momo, Aizawa and the rest pile onto him afterwards, and the result is that he becomes less cocky and starts taking his training much more seriously.

he wins-but-loses to Todoroki in the school festival and it serves as a reminder that simply winning isn’t everything. being the best is meaningless if it’s handed to you. as a result his determination is fueled even more.

he is LITERALLY FORCED POINT-BLANK to work together with Deku in order to pass his final exam. he is dragged kicking and screaming. I can’t stress enough how completely unwilling he was to learn this lesson otherwise lmao. it’s abundantly clear that he would never have done this on his own had the lesson not been almost literally beaten into his own head.

his experience at Kamino -- being targeted because he was perceived as villainous, and feeling responsible for All Might’s retirement afterwards -- is perhaps the best example of how Katsuki takes a terrible experience and uses it to grow leaps and bounds as a person. he develops a new awareness of how his actions can potentially be perceived by others (a vital lesson if he ever hopes to make it to the top). and he’s profoundly humbled (I keep using that word, so I just want to pause a sec to clarify that I mean it not in a “humiliated and crushed” way, but in a “freedom from pride and arrogance” way; in other words this is ultimately a positive thing, even if it comes about in an unpleasant way) by the experience, enough so that he finally lets his walls of pride crumble enough to have his weirdly violent heart-to-heart with Deku. and as a result the two of them grow closer, and All Might sets him down the path of Win To Save and Save To Win. something which I feel compelled to note that he still had ABSOLUTELY NO CLUE ABOUT beforehand. this is another thing that literally had to be spelled out for him before he could grasp it. it’s very hard for me to conceive a way of somehow spinning this particular development, which is by far the most important in his arc to date, as being something he just “learned on his own.”

and I forgot to mention it, but him failing the provisional license exam also directly contributed to the character development mentioned above! that was what finally tipped him over the edge. even though he was reeling from everything that had happened at Kamino, he still had too much pride to actually open up to anyone about it until this second “loss” of sorts finally convinced him that he really was doing something terribly wrong, and pushed him to talk to Deku about it.

and that brings us to where we’re at currently! there are a few other things I didn’t mention, like Jeanist lecturing him on the meaning behind choosing a hero name, and his internship with Endeavor teaching him... something. tbd lol. but anyways my point here is that Bakugou has always been a character who learns chiefly through his mistakes and painful experiences. it’s extremely rare for him to just arrive at some new tidbit of enlightenment all on his own, and if it does, it often still originally stems from a past -- often painful -- experience. that’s just how he is. his stubbornness is one of my favorite things about him, but it’s also always hindered his growth to some extent, and has made it harder for him to change his viewpoint all on his own, even though he is to his credit very open to change once something finally does sink in. he’s someone who’s always trying to be better. it’s just that a lot of times he needs to be nudged and pushed in the right direction, particularly on those few occasions where the thing he has to learn is something that runs counter to his current viewpoint to such a degree that he’s resistant to learning it (see, again, working together with Deku in the final exam).

and that finally brings me to my second counterargument to this point, which is that I very strongly feel that having to learn something “directly” in this very blunt manner does not make it cheap. that actually comes off as a bit insulting to all of Bakugou’s previous character development if I’m being honest. his development isn’t cheapened just because something was harder for him to learn. he’s not less of a good person just because he had a harder struggle to learn those things, and needed help and guidance, and made mistakes along the way. I feel very strongly that people shouldn’t be judged on how they grow, or their reasons for that growth. that to me feels like gatekeeping the concept of being a good person. “Bakugou isn’t as good of a character because he only started saving others and caring about people after he got kidnapped.” like, come on. people grow through their experiences! that’s literally where all growth stems from, even growth that on the surface appears to be self-fueled and motivated. every single action, every single motivation, happens because at some point or other, that person experienced something that led to them thinking and feeling that way, and deciding to do that thing. we are the sum total of our experiences, I believe is how the saying goes. and that goes double for characters in a story, because watching them go through those experiences is how we the audience discover who these characters are.

anyway so this argument is also a miss from where I stand. if it takes losing his quirk for Bakugou to have an epiphany about true strength, and what truly makes a hero on the inside, then goddammit, good for him. that’s nothing to be ashamed of. in the end that’s still his hard-earned growth, and he’s not any lesser for having learned it through adversity instead of just stumbling upon the answer somewhere along the way.

3. losing his quirk would put him on the back-burner, story-wise, and exclude him from further fights and story development.

hard disagree here as well. losing his quirk would be the single biggest thing that ever happened to Bakugou. a development like that would almost demand we focus on it. perhaps not right away (just like we didn’t immediately focus on him right after Kamino), but it would be inevitable. in fact, I’d argue that Bakugou losing his quirk is one of the only ways to guarantee that the story puts his character development back at the forefront again at some point, and doesn’t just drop the plotline entirely in an “eh, good enough” manner. it’s a development that basically makes his character development the focus of the plot, instead of us only ever getting little side anecdote scenes of “slowly becoming less of an asshole” for the rest of the series. it’s character development on hard mode, to be sure, but the fact of the matter is that Bakugou is not the main character, and so his personal character journey is only going to make it back to the forefront of the story if and when something significant enough occurs so as to make it worthy of being a focus.

as for the other half of this argument, the thing to understand here is that “Kacchan loses his quirk” is NOT the beginning, middle, and end of that storyline all in one. it absolutely won’t be “welp too bad, guess you can’t be a hero after all” and that’s that. “Kacchan loses his quirk” is only the first act of a story arc that continues with “Kacchan struggles with the aftermath of losing his quirk”, and concludes with “Kacchan regains his quirk and reemerges stronger than ever.” how that will ultimately play out, I don’t know! Vestiges; Eri; OFA; the quirk-restoring bullets which the villains also had at some point unless I’m misremembering things; whatever! the key thing here is that I have faith that it will play out. every single argument you see here is in the context of me believing that the endgame here is not a loss for him, but a win. it’s actually the win, because if all goes well, he comes back stronger than ever because he’s finally done away with the one remaining thing that was holding him back -- that lingering unnecessary fear, insecurity, and pride that’s still at the root of so many of his actions even now.

which brings me to my next point.

4. Bakugou doesn’t need to learn anything more/there isn’t anything important Bakugou could learn by losing his quirk that he couldn’t learn in some other manner.

you’ve no doubt guessed it, but I once again disagree here lol. he definitely still has more to learn. Bakugou’s character development thus far has been extraordinary, but all the same, I still want more for him. I don’t think this is the best he’s capable of. his ceiling is much, much higher, and to say that this is as good as he gets is to underestimate him imo.

here’s an incomplete list of things that Bakugou, at present, is still clearly struggling with, numbered alphabetically so that I can explain afterwards how losing his quirk would address each one.

a.) he still obsessively compares his progress to Deku’s at every turn. we got a little bit of insight into his thought processes just recently in chapter 275, and it was extremely revealing. his rivalry with Deku has been a good thing thus far, but this is primarily because up until this point he has been able to keep pace with Deku. so much of his confidence and self-worth seems to hinge on this one specific thing which is notably outside his control, and that’s troubling to me. but more on that further down in a bit.

b.) he’s still incapable of admitting that he cares about people (which is endearing to be fair, but nonetheless indicates that he still views caring as a weakness, and is uncomfortable acknowledging or expressing it).

c.) he has not yet sorted out the problem of coming off as hostile, vulgar, and aggressive even when a situation necessitates him to be more cooperative. to put it plainly, he’s incapable of dialing back his personality even the slightest degree and as a result gets edited out of interviews and has his friends constantly scrambling to apologize and/or interpret for him. I know that a lot of people -- myself included -- actually adore this feral side of him and even consider it one of his most endearing traits, but still, the fact of the matter is that it’s not a good thing that he’s entirely incapable of even the slightest bit of emotional regulation. at some point he’s going to have to sort his shit out at least a little bit; even Endeavor and Mirko are capable of reining it in when it comes to dealing with the public at large and with the press. if he wants to reach the top ranks he still has a lot of growing to do here.

d.) he still thinks of his own worth purely in terms of physical strength. this is a big one. Katsuki has always defined his own world in terms of strength and weakness. “strong” is good; “weak” is bad. people who win are strong. people with quirks are strong. he has a good quirk so he’s strong. Deku doesn’t have a quirk so he shouldn’t be strong (which becomes a paradox and a source of great fear and confusion to him when he realizes on a deep subconscious level that Deku somehow is strong in spite of lacking a quirk). All Might is the best hero because he’s strong and never loses. he’s going to be even better than All Might, and he’ll do it by being strong and never losing.

except that these ideas are all limited, and limiting. physical strength is not the only kind of strength. All Might wasn’t the number one hero and the Symbol of Peace only because he was strong. Katsuki isn’t strong only because he has a good quirk. but he’s still stuck on this idea regardless, and everything he does, everything he is is defined by this idea. even now, with everything he’s learned, he’s still stuck in this limited perspective. and the very obvious problem with that is that it places him in a precarious emotional position where if he ever actually loses, or something happens to strip that physical strength of his away, his entire core of self-worth stands to fall apart as a result. he’s put all his eggs in that basket. and it’s the source of all of his insecurity, and it’s a weakness that’s just waiting to be exploited, and which is holding him back from discovering and acknowledging so many other good things about himself.

e.) and last but not least we’ve got what is by far his biggest current failing (and I say not to put him down, but rather in that same spirit of “learning to acknowledge your own weaknesses” which he himself has so readily embraced), which is that he is still only focused on himself. mind you, I’m not saying that he’s a bad person, or that he doesn’t care about other people! but I am saying that he is self-centered, and that’s just a fact, and I would defy anyone to try and argue otherwise tbh. he is constantly and completely focused only on his own goals. and on top of that he also has great difficulty seeing things from any perspective other than his own, which has been the cause of numerous clashes and misunderstandings with other people, some more disastrous than others (see: that one time he thought Deku must be looking down on him because he couldn’t conceive of a situation where anyone would actually want to accept help from someone else, rather than being self-sufficient, and thus assumed that Deku’s attempt to help him was in fact an insult). he casts himself in the role of the main character, and dismisses most everyone else as “extras.” and it took him an extraordinarily long time to learn the importance of learning from and helping other people (and again, this was something which had to be explicitly spelled out for him. I’ll say it again and again if I have to, because it’s so important in understanding where Bakugou is coming from and what his mindset is in all of this. he had to have it spelled out, because it was genuinely something which wouldn’t have occurred to him otherwise, because it’s so alien to everything he grew up believing up till that point, and because he has so much difficulty seeing other perspectives).

and again, I’m not saying this to dump on him or imply that he doesn’t care! because he does; we’ve seen that demonstrated on multiple occasions. he has compassion for others. he wants to do the right thing and he wants to be a good person, and he tries very hard in his own way. but he is nonetheless still stuck in his own perspective. he struggles with empathy and being able to see from other people’s points of view. and that is a huge barrier to his becoming the greatest hero of all time, and it’s probably the most difficult barrier to overcome. the behavior is something he can and has been chipping away at little by little, but the root causes of the behavior are still there.

anyway. so now that I’ve said all of that, which probably could have been its own essay in and of itself, how would losing his quirk do anything to address these issues? so let’s now break that down point by point as well, using the same alphabetical numbering system as before. I’m skipping the first one because I’ll address it further down, so we’ll start with b.

b.) it makes him more vulnerable in that it’s a huge blow to his pride. how is that a good thing you ask? because pride is always a double-edged sword. the downside is that losing it hurts his self-esteem (but more on that in a sec), but the upside is it opens him up more to accepting kindness from other people, and allowing himself to express kindness and caring himself in return. pride is almost always the biggest obstacle in doing that. so the short of this is that it could lead to us seeing a more open, willingly vulnerable side to him that would strengthen his relationships and serve him well in the long run.

c.) in a similar vein, the ego check would probably help to address some of his emotional instability as well. a not-insignificant chunk of his tactless exterior is basically just a projection; a tough guy persona he’s constructed over the years as part of his neverending quest to be strong. there’s also a fair amount of insecurity (interpreting everything other people say in the worst way possible and reacting with defensive hostility), arrogance/boastfulness, and fear of vulnerability (aka weakness) mixed in as well. so I could see the whole experience leading to a softening of his personality. in my ideal world this would mostly be just temporary, with his usual Bakuattitude gradually being restored piece by piece as his soul searching adventures wear on and he starts acting like his old self more and more. but I do think that in the end, the loss of that insecurity in particular would go a long way towards helping him gain the ability to chill out just a little bit more when the situation calls for it.

d.) it strips him of that physical strength he’s depended on and defined himself by his whole life. sometimes we need to lose something in order to see and appreciate the other things we take for granted or don’t even realize that we have. Katsuki has so many other qualities that make him a good person and a great hero. he’s intelligent, perceptive, brave, resourceful, and extraordinarily determined. he’s strategic and analytical and quick-thinking. he inspires devotion in others and is a natural leader. and he is honest and sticks to his principles and stands up for his beliefs. there is so much more to admire about him than just strength. so many other kinds of strength that he has. and stripping his quirk away would force him to see that at long last. he’s not just a nobody without his power. the things that make him a worthy hero at his core have very little to do with his quirk.

e.) and then the big one -- learning to see past himself. the truth is that Bakugou has always led a relatively privileged life. he was good at everything, the things he wanted came very easily to him, and he’s basically been at the top of the food chain since he was very young. but the downside of this is that it led to a deep-seeded fear of losing all of that, or failing to live up to it. and because he feared weakness so much, he’s spent his entire life looking down on weaker people. his fear of weakness led to him despising anyone with those “weak” qualities that he secretly feared, rather than having compassion for them. add to that the fact that he just has a hard time seeing outside of his own perspective, and we’ve got a situation in which perhaps the only way for him to really gain that kind of compassion and empathy is to experience some of these things for himself.

becoming quirkless is a way of presenting new challenges to him that he would have never faced otherwise. it forces him to answer questions he’s always been too afraid to ask. it forces him to look at himself in a way he never has before, to take a good long look at his own fears and desires. what if you can’t become the number one hero? do you just give up? do you stop trying? do you stubbornly push back against the inevitable? what happens if you do become weak? do you just accept that for the rest of your life? just sit back and watch as everyone else moves on without you? how can you fight without a quirk? what can you do without a quirk? why did you want to become a hero in the first place? why did you seek out strength? what was it for? why do you struggle with everything you have to reach the very top??

and I’d like to think that some of the answers to those questions are, yes, I am still strong. and, no, I can’t give up. and, no, I won’t accept defeat, no matter what. and, I’m not sure, but no matter what happens I’ll keep on fighting. and, because the person I admired taught me to never, ever give up. and, because I wanted to surpass my limits. and, because I want to be the best version of myself.

and that is growth. and it’s precisely the kind of growth you can’t achieve until you’ve searched deep within yourself and laid your soul out bare. and it will make him a better character, and a better hero in the end. and that’s what we’re all here for isn’t it? that’s literally what this story is about. the journey of these kids growing up to become spectacular heroes. so, just, I don’t know. is it really such a great surprise that I want to see it?

anyways, this was by far the longest of these answers and this post is really starting to wear on, so let’s just get to the last one and wrap this up.

5. losing his quirk would mean him falling hopelessly behind Deku, and playing second fiddle to him when he should be Deku’s equal. it would render his whole story and all of his development meaningless.

okay, listen. first of all, this argument often comes bundled with a whole host of other arguments about Bakugou’s relationship with Deku, and how the narrative has already given him numerous other “losses” to Deku, and how this would just be the latest and greatest loss of all. and I’m just going to say it straight up: this argument is ridiculous to me. actually, what it reminds me of is the very same flawed mindset that Bakugou himself has which I mentioned earlier (the forgotten point 4.a), where he is obsessed with comparing his progress to Deku’s at all times, and only considers himself a success if he beats out Deku. the idea here is basically that Bakugou and Deku are running along parallel tracks with the same end goal/finish line of becoming a hero. and so if Deku gets too far ahead and starts lapping Bakugou or something, then it’s like a slap in the face with regard to all of Bakugou’s hard work, and it makes Bakugou’s whole journey pointless because no matter what, he’ll never be able to catch up, especially if he loses his quirk, which is like the metaphorical equivalent of him spraining his ankle.

the thing is, this entire analogy is flawed. first of all, if Bakugou doesn’t sprain his ankle at some point, he'll miss out on discovering and healing a separate underlying injury that’s been unknowingly hampering his progress this entire time. and second, the race isn’t timed. it’s more like an infinite series of races where the finish line is never actually set in stone, because the finish line isn’t actually “beat the other person”; the finish line is “run as fast and as far as you possibly can, and do it in a better way than anyone has ever done before, and while you’re at it maybe stop and save a few million people, because being the best runner isn’t actually about being faster than each other, even though that admittedly makes this a pretty crappy analogy.” anyways though, so what this means is that the sheer magnitude and scale of this race is such that little victories and losses here and there are ultimately meaningless in the big picture. maybe Bakugou sprains his ankle. maybe Deku breaks an arm or two or three or four. maybe someone shows up at some point and starts uprooting the entire track all around them and they have to put the whole race aside for the time being, because what the fuck. and maybe after spraining his ankle, Bakugou eventually comes zooming back ahead on a segway. and maybe Deku stops running for a while without Bakugou there, because he loses sight of his goal without his rival there to keep him on pace.

but anyway! the point is that declaring a winner and loser in this race before we reach the end is kind of absurd in that it ignores the whole nature of the race and how long-term it is. you see the beauty of the race is that it’s actually the opposite of footraces in real life. in this race, the longer the two of them run, the faster and stronger they become. and this same logic applies to any hurdles which are placed in their lanes along the way. the goal of these hurdles isn’t to trick or punish or humiliate them; it’s to help them get even faster and stronger and ultimately closer to their goal. and also, tbh? it’s a long, long race you guys. and so sometimes, as a fan, you almost start to want to see those hurdles. because otherwise it’s just a lot of endless running and running and running. so yeah, go ahead and throw in a damn hurdle or two and some traffic cones and maybe even a long jump here and there. because that’s part of what makes the thing great to watch in the first place.

and I don’t care whether or not Deku is ahead right now, because I also love Deku too by the way, and because I’m not invested in prematurely declaring a winner. and if Bakugou himself gets upset that Deku is ahead? if Deku pulling ahead of him is enough to send him spiraling into despair, and questioning everything about his life, and losing hope and purpose? well then honestly I would say that’s all the more reason for him to go on and get that new character development, because I don’t want him to always be hindered by those kind of toxic thoughts his entire life. their rivalry should serve to make each other better, not bring each other down. so if Bakugou’s ego is still so fragile that he can’t handle a loss to Deku -- a loss, mind you, not the loss, because ultimately these are all just little battles, and not the actual war -- then I want him to grow the fuck up and get the fuck over that, goddammit. he’s a bigger person than that. I want him to grow beyond that. I want him to develop the real, actual confidence that allows him to bounce back from something like that, and to move on better and wiser and stronger, instead of getting dragged down by the pettiness of it all.

in short, if losing to Deku would really be enough to render his story meaningless, then maybe it’s time for Bakugou to find some meaning in his story that’s not dependent on him winning or losing to Deku. because I for one am not actually in this thing just to see which character “wins.” I couldn’t care less who actually wins. I just want to see my boy grow up big and strong and self-actualized, the better to kick ass without anything holding him back. that’s it.

so this brings me at last to the end of this seemingly neverending post. I have no doubt this won’t be the last of my quirkless!Bakugou debate posts in spite of me trying to comprehensively address every single point I could think of lol. but for now it’s my best attempt. and by the way, if it doesn’t actually happen, that’s fine! I love the idea, but I’m not gonna go full on “oh happy dagger” with it if it doesn’t actually pan out lol. the downside is it will mean that I’ve posted this entire 5600-word dissertation for nothing, but you know what, sometimes that’s just how fandom goes.

#bnha #boku no hero academia #bakugou katsuki #quirkless!bakugou #bakugou meta #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #anon asks

[fatehbaz]

Weird, eerie, uncanny ecology

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Horror fictions are very much about ambiance, place, surroundings and environment. Sometimes this engagement with place, as in the work of China Mieville, involves the invention of new and weird topographies, while for other writers, the places described are known regions and even seemingly familiar locales. [...] It was the New England landscape, with its “vast and gloomy forests in whose perpetual twilight all terrors might well lurk” that gave birth to Edgar Allen Poe and Nathaniel Hawthorne (and surely also to Lovecraft [...]). Jeff VanderMeer openly admits the importance of the Quinta da Regaleira in Sintra, Portugal as well as the Saint Mark’s wildlife refuge in Florida as sources of inspiration. [...] The most strikingly original aspect of the best weird fiction’s expression of place is the ways in which it deforms or veers [...] our ordinary [...] ways of talking about the environment. [...] Strangely enough, though, [some] ecologically engaged critics have barely cast an eye towards this kind of writing. [...] This overlooks the functioning of explorations of place in horror. [...] Our world [is] weird, our reality horrifying. Living in the Anthropocene implies [...] that we are aware that the world has dimensions that exceed the grasp of our senses, [...] there are dimensions or depths to the real. [...] The genius of horror and the supernatural [...] is the acknowledgement of a gap between the real [existing autonomously outside of humans] and the Natural [translated and systematized by human sciences, cultural institutions]. [...]

If ecology is the study of organisms and their relations to their   environments -- relations between objects and the other objects composing places around them -- then being a realist ecologist is being sensitized to  that which not only is visible but which is also withdrawn or wholly other; that which is reality but also ungraspable within some naturalist accounts of the ambient world. [...] Re-encountering familiar scenes after having read horror is to see these scenes with heightened senses, with an awareness of straining for sight beyond sight. Thus the weird hardly leads us away from the places in which we dwell. On the contrary, it brings us back to them with x-ray attentiveness and extraordinary humility.

Brad Tabas. “Dark Places: Ecology, Place, and the Metaphysics of Horror Fiction.” Miranda. 2015.

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When would-be settlers arrive in a so-called new world land, they are disconcerted by the strangeness of what they find: impenetrable swamp-forests and unintelligible biodiversity [...]. In order to forge a future in such a land, settlers need to be able to master this space by seeing it as another kind of potential place -- “relational, rectangularised, beholden to agriculture” [...]. The transformative work of settlement involves reshaping the threatening, chaotic, destabilising and alien elements so that the place can be re-born as home: familiar, safe, controlled and controllable.[...] For this reason, settlers must also proceed by adopting an oblique angle of vision which enables them to see -- in their mind‘s eye -- their permanently situated homeland-to-be. [...] As the ecosphere in a settler place undergoes radical transformation [...] existing cultural landscapes become submerged under roads, buildings, farmlands, towns, cities and reserves [...].

In order to make their new homes in existing Indigenous homelands, settler populations induce ecological crisis by altering the environment, seeking to reproduce European geometries and ways of life. Settlers set about felling forests, draining swamps, diverting waterways and converting wetland plains to make way for pastureland and urbanisation; they divide the land into alienable parcels comprising differentated zones and categories [...] and they implace vast numbers of new plant and animal species, unleashing feral ecologies in the process. The organisms selected for introduction in so-called new world palces are those deemed “familiar,” “useful,” “missing,” and “missed” (McDowall) and they are intended to replace the “monstrous” creature that already populate these places [...]. Despite efforts to elongate or stretch it to fit over the place, short settler history is undone by longer Indigenous histories, revealing the doubleness or splitness of the place [...]. Anamorphosis, then, is profoundly a perspectival mode of settlement, and it accentuates the discontinuity, defamiliarisation and decomposition associated with founding a so-called new world place. It signals doubt and disturbance and it is not controllable as a trick of the artist’s trade or as a fashionable perversion or contrived effect or matter of cunning or virtuosity. Rather, it is a distortion that is experienced in intermittent and profoundly vertiginous ways by settler culture. For settler populations, the horror of settlement is to be returned to a state of freefall, with the solid ground of the settler endeavour shearing away or appearing to disappear.

In such moments, the settler nation emerges as a fantasy or absurdity or spectral “non-place”; cataclysm is revealed as a permanent half-state; settlement becomes disintegration.

Anna Boswell. “Anamorphic Ecology, or the Return of the Possum.” Transformations. 2018.

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It disturbs the very idea of what it means to be local, to be accustomed to and understand one’s environment. [...] The multifarious texture of home, or locality, is itself an abstraction. Morton writes that ‘The wet stuff falling on my head in Northern California in early 2011, could have been an effect of the tsunami churning up La Nina in the Pacific’, and heavy rain ‘simply a local manifestation of some vast entity that I’m unable directly to see’ (2010: 52). This vastly interconnected way of reading the environment intensifies dark ecology’s bid to render landscape and resources as systemic, complex, and in-process, as well as variously connected to human being. It also problematizes views of the environment that make it originary (how one might mischaracterise national parklands as ‘raw  nature’ for example, when in fact it has been changing and settling for many thousands of years), pristine (when in fact it includes much that is dirty and violent), or separate (when we are already breathing it, when it exists as much in our gut microbiome as it does in the protected Grand Canyon) [...]. No longer capable of the ‘man-in-space’ postmodernism of the 1980s, we are aware of ourselves now as deeply enmeshed in the processes we consume[...], resulting art forms attempt to approach flattening ontologies: local with universal, humans with objects, quark with mountain.

Danielle Barrios-O’Neill and Michael Collins. “At Home with the Weird.” Revenant. 2018.

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For Fisher, the eerie is something altogether more abstract and strange than that of the weird in the way the eerie concerns itself with the presence or absence of something, and such places (or non-places) are often where there is an absence of humanity, or where there is something or some agency at work that is just beyond our realm of understanding: “The eerie concerns the most fundamental metaphysical questions one could pose, questions to do with existence and non-existence.” As such, the eerie “is constituted by a failure of absence or by a failure of presence. The sensation of the eerie occurs either when there is something present where there should be nothing, or is there nothing present when there should be something.” [...] On a material level, the eerie is often not located in the humanistic confines and locales of the family and home. Often, it is located in marginal spaces, in landscapes, sites, and structures where there is either a distinct lack of human presence, or there was once a human activity which has since disappeared. Various ruins, such as [...] ancient sites [...], to more modern locations such as abandoned buildings and houses underline several aspects to the eerie, as the failure of presence that is the absence of humanity almost certainly leads to various forms of speculation as to the source of said absence. [...] More importantly, Fisher asserts that the eerie turns on the issues of agency in the way that:

It is about the forces that govern our lives and the world […] In the case of the failure of absence, the question concerns the existence of agency as such. Is there a deliberative agent here at all? Are we being watched by an entity that has not yet revealed itself? In the case of the failure of presence, the question concerns the particular nature of the agent at work. We know that Stonehenge has been erected, so the questions of whether there was an agent behind its construction or not does not arise; what we have to reckon with are the traces of a departed agent  whose purposes are unknown. [...]

Non-places refer to capitalist and technological sites [...] that, while having a human presence through that of work or transit, are a-historical, non-relational and lack any definitive connections with their locale. Augé sites non-places as spaces of   transit or temporary waiting and congregation -- shopping malls, business parks and corporation “campuses”, motorways, roundabouts, carparks, and hotels – all places that give a semblance of seamless connectivity and ease of movement. From an architectural and organizational viewpoint however, non-places are considered sterile and affectless, exuding an overriding sameness [...]. Through their overriding spatial conformity, and the mechanical nature they invoke in the individual towards consumerism and social control, non-places invoke forms of eerie alienation upon the body in that they allow the individual to psychologically disconnect, to drift in an aesthetically impoverished landscape and the seeming absence of presence.

Bob Cluness. "I am an other and I always was…" On the Weird and Eerie in Contemporary and Digital Cultures. University of Iceland MA Thesis. 2019.

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Unlike the sublime, with its axiomatic relationship with nature and its place in a history of “the outdoors,” the uncanny is more readily associated with anti-natural concerns - degrees of deadness; animated corpses, ghosts, and artificial beings; dolls, automatons, and doubles. [...] Modern shopping malls that replicate identical layouts [...] right down to the pearly patina of the laminex on the bench-tops. The placelessness of trading zones is particularly insidious because of the recurrent [...] acts of consumption such spaces are styled to bring about. Generica: a neologism adapted to describe the urbanity of middle America, structure by the uniform architecture and visual parroting of Wal/Marts, Apple/bees, Best/Buys, Starb/ucks, and Borders. [...]. This doubling of place not only arouses the unnerving suspicions -- “I’ve been here  before,” and “am I here, or am I in fact elsewhere?” – but additionally reaffirms the underlying unnaturalness of all place-based experience. The local is eerie on account of it being familiar. In other words, it is precisely because the local is “homely” that it is capable of being shot-through with the “unhomely.” The uncanny exists because there is an environment. [...] As multinational corporations seek to comfort and disarm through their “commonplace” design, they also run the risk that such places become indirectly disturbing in their duplication. Things are ambiguous where there is too much multivalent, ambient information coming in from all angles.

Human-animal-machine. Everywhere-anywhere-nowhere. Alive-dead-simulant. Evolve-devolve-mutate.

Rebecca Giggs. “The Rise of the Edge.” Draft. 2010.

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#compilation of some recent similar excerpts