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#but my medications changed me HAHA
twptwp · 7 months
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I am somewhat tempted to write a fanfiction, not a romance one though as those things do not interest me so much. I wonder if anybody would read Noelle and Berdly being friends?
Furthermore, if there are any fanfictions already on this topic? I would love recommendations if so!
Whenever I try looking I just end up seeing lots of shipping stuff with all different characters, it's an oddly difficult search for me
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pink-car · 10 months
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got to really fully see my top surgery results for the first time today which was v nice
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running-in-the-dark · 9 months
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oh, yeah! I forgot that I wanted to update you guys on the Colestyramine situation (sooo exciting, I know)
I've completely changed my mind about the chewable tablets. I hated them at first, and now - well I don't love them, because they're still gross obviously. but I've figured out how to chew them without really tasting them too much, and now I much prefer them over the powder!!
it's really convenient to just put them in my bag and take them when I'm somewhere else. I don't have to prepare anything to take them (any extra step will honestly just make me not eat), and I've found I really don't need 2 of them 3 times a day. I've been taking 3-4 a day (usually one before breakfast and one after - I just can't do two right after each other, and then one before lunch and dinner) and it's enough - so yeah I'm glad I tried them and I'll be sticking with them!
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clenastia · 2 years
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you know people say "if it sounds too good to be true it probably is" a LOT, especially in like, stories and shit.
...i've never had it actually SLAP ME IN THE FACE though.
until yesterday.
still viciously swinging between total apathy and nebulous panic attacks and don't expect it to stop any time soon.
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southernvampire · 2 years
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am I having a negative and possibly dangerous reaction to one of my prescription drugs or am I just being dramatic and anxious? not sure if I'm willing to pay a lot of money to find out
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tamberella · 2 months
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Congratulations on your author debut, I'm so excited for your book!! 😇💕
Would you consider talking about the whole process of becoming a book illustrator /children's book author?
Thank you so much, I really appreciate it!! And I'd be happy to share the process!
It all started for me with my 3dTotal artbook. 3dTotal is a small publisher in the UK, and they mainly focus on collections of artists' work. They use Kickstarter to fund each book, and my agent (the amazing Seth Fishman at Gernert) discovered me through the Kickstarter for my artbook Windows to Worlds!
He asked if I had any interest in working on graphic novels or picture books, and I had already been thinking about picture books! He found me my first picture book project with Penguin Workshop, Mother of Sharks, written by the awesome Melissa Cristina Márquez, which came out last year!
While I was working on Mother of Sharks, I was also talking with him about developing The Bakery Dragon, based of course on this painting, which was (and is) one of my proudest artistic moments.
For a little background on the painting, I painted it right after a really challenging couple of months medically - I was dealing with medical complications from my chronic illness for about 6 months, and I wasn't able to finish a single painting the whole time, I was just too exhausted from hospital visits and being in pain. That painting was the first piece I was able to actually complete (both emotionally and literally) in about half a year. So it always held a really special place in my heart, and I really wanted to keep living in that little world. I think there's something in it that is very special to me, about being outside in the cold, seeing warmth and love through a glass barrier, and wanting desperately to reach it.
With Seth's guidance, over a couple months, I developed a pitch for it. The script developed slowly alongside the designs for characters, locations, etc.
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(Early version of Ember above! He has changed a bit!)
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I thought I had already read a lot of picture books, I've always loved them, but I read hundreds and hundreds during this process. There is something uniquely fun and challenging about telling a complete narrative in 48 pages (which is already a long picture book, many are 32!) My book also pulls some elements from comics, such as speech bubbles, which I found to be incredible assets for humor and character development.
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My pitch included designs, some early example spreads, and a rough script with story beats and jokes! My agent took it out into the world, and the publisher we ended up going forward with was Knopf, an imprint of Penguin Random House! I absolutely love the Knopf team and the beautiful books they put out! My editor, Katherine Harrison, really understood what I wanted to accomplish and has been so incredibly helpful in her guidance!
And from there... through rewrites, dialog adjustments, and lots and lots of drawings, it became a book! I'm happy to answer questions about the process! I'll leave you guys with a little preview from the interior of the book! (And of course you can pre-order it here, gotta learn the author skill of always including that link haha!)
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somanyratsinthewalls · 3 months
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Heyy! I’m new here and I absolutely love your writings wksiwksjwjshe is your 300 event still open?
if yes I would love to req a cinnamon + poplar ! hehe thank you! (If it’s already closed then don’t mind me)
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*HI sorry this took forever! But I hope you love it ;) Ace is such a filthy boy in this one, EYE certainly enjoyed it*
Pairing: Ace x Fem Reader
WC: 2200
Prompt: “Shh I know baby, I know it’s good. You’re doing so good for me…” 
TW: SEX, shameless flirting in public, Ace being kind of a pervert, reader is a bit older than young buck Ace, p in v sex, unprotected sex (don't) creampie (also don't) fingering, teasing, pet names, filthy language. the usual?
— — 
You sat at your desk in the medical ward of the ship, up to your ears in paperwork. Blood test results to log, supply order forms to go over, you had so much on your plate and it was eating away at you. The rest of the crew was in the galley drinking but you were stuck working. 
Suddenly the door to the med bay swings open and in waltzes the crew’s head doctor. 
“Ok little chicken, that’s enough work for tonight.” Marco smiles warmly at you as he approaches your desk. 
“Please stop calling me that." You sigh and rub your eyes. "And I still have more releases to sign off on, and the IV tubing we use for Dad is on backorder, so I have to decide if we go up a size or down a size and did you know-“ You ramble on and on while Marco rolls his eyes. 
“I’ll handle it. Go out and have a drink.” Marco eyes your tired face. “Gods know you need it, kiddo.” 
You sigh. You feign a smile as you rise from your desk chair, the joints in your back and knees popping from how long you had been sitting. 
“Was… was that your back?” Marco asks with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes. Shut up.” You say as you push your way out of the med bay. You follow the sounds of music and riotous laughter towards the galley and enter quietly. You slunk between the groups of pirates towards the center of the room and grab a beer from the barrel full of ice. You pull your cigarette lighter out of your pocket and use it to pop the cap off your beer. You stow the lighter back into your pocket. 
“Hey, y/n! Over here!” 
You turn around and see a somewhat intoxicated Ace waving you over to his table. He had that stupid, goofy grin on his face. You smiled back and headed in his direction. He was standing around a wooden table with Thatch, Izou and a few other Whitebeard pirates and nurses. 
“Jeez y/n you look like you’ve been up for a week.” Ace teases you. 
“I think I have, now that you mention it…” You say and take a sip of your beer. 
“Man I haven’t seen you this down before, y/n. What the hell is going on with you?” Izou asks. 
“Well, since you’ve asked! I’m exhausted. I’m bored. I’m stressed. I can’t tell if I want 5 more beers or to fall asleep on the floor! I am wildly overworked and under-fucked.” You finish your rant and slam your beer. 
“Anyone else need another one?” You ask to the now silent group of people that surrounded you at the table. You were met with mostly blank stares, shocked at your sudden outburst. You turn and head to grab a new beer. 
“I’ll come with you!” Ace is quick to join with a mischievous smirk on his lips. 
He follows you like a puppy as you head towards the beer. 
“You know I can help you with that, right?” Ace grabs your arm and pulls you to face him. 
You laugh. 
“I don’t really think Marco would trust you enough to run my blood tests for me, but thanks.” 
“No no, the other part. The being under-fucked part.” Ace smirks down at you. Again, you laugh. 
“Haha, oh yeah? What are you, like 23? Like you’d know what to do with it if you had a chance.” You smile playfully and wiggle out of his grip, finally retrieving another beer. Ace does the same and sidles close behind you on your way back to the table. Suddenly Ace’s breath is hot in your ear as he leans in to whisper something to you. 
“Well I’ve got an 8 inch cock that might change your mind on that…” You stop dead in your tracks and your eyes widen. 
“Wha-?”
Ace passes by you and goes to join the table again. “Only if you want, though! Come on, let’s have another drink!” Ace beckons you over like he hadn’t just whispered the most crude, filthy thing in your ear 30 seconds ago. 
Convincing yourself you had imagined it, you snap out of your trance and return to the table to drink. 
You enjoy a few more rounds of drinks and you notice with each beer, Ace slides his body closer and closer to yours. You could attribute this to the size of your party shrinking as people headed off to bed, but at this point he was basically pressing his side into yours, occasionally grazing his warm hand over your hip. 
His touch was fleeting, but hot… it made you crave more. You found yourself leaning into him and he pulled you closer in return. He felt you shudder. 
“Oh man, y/n, you must really be tired. Do you need help getting back to your room okay?” Ace looks down at you with a devious smirk.  You knew what he was really asking.. and you were far too quick to respond. 
“Yes, I think I’d like that, Ace.” You smile and he wraps his arm around your hip and pulls you away from the table. 
Ace is all but giggling as he brings you back to your room, pinching and squeezing your skin anywhere he could tease it. He stops at your door and looks at you expectantly. 
You laugh. 
“Would you like to come inside, Ace?” 
“Hell yeah!” Ace practically jumps into your room behind you and slams the door shut. 
From the instant the door is closed, Ace’s lips are on yours. You barely had time to react to the kiss before he started tugging at your clothes. You laugh and pull back from the kiss. 
“Haha slow down!  We have all night Ace… I’m not going anywhere.” You purr at him and stroke his cheek. What a sweet, eager little thing he was. 
Ace nuzzles himself into your neck and plants a wet kiss. 
“‘M’sorry, just hate seeing you like this…” Ace continued licking and biting at your neck. You whimper. “Gonna fix it… gonna make you feel so good, baby.” 
Your cunt clenched in anticipated of what he was about to do to your body. Ace pulls your dress over your head and tosses it to the floor. He distracts you with more kisses as he unclasps your bra and pulls it off of you. Ace kisses down to your stomach and gently pulls your panties down. You step out of them and realize you’re completely bare in front of your friend. 
You covered your breasts instinctively. Those doesn’t go unnoticed by Ace, who was coming up to meet your eye again. He pulls your arm gently away from your chest and smiles. 
“Aww are you shy, baby?” Ace coos at you. You blush so hard you think your face might be on fire. Why was he having this affect on you? He was a young blowhard at least 5 years your junior, and yet he ended up with all of the control in this situation…
“That’s ok, come here…” Ace gets on your bed and sits up with his back against the pillows and headboard. “Let me show you why you don’t need to be shy.” He smirks and holds out his arms to you. 
You lick your lips and climb into Ace’s waiting lap. He positions you with your back again his chest, sitting between his legs. This position reminded you how Ace was still fully clothed and you were completely naked. Something about being so vulnerable in front of him was intoxicating… 
“Spread your legs, sugar. Show me that cute pussy.” Ace whispers in your ear as he pulls your legs over his own, spreading them as far as they could go comfortably. 
“Ace…” You whimper quietly, trying to turn your head away. You were embarrassed at how aroused he had made you, all while barely touching you… but not nearly embarrassed enough to ask him to stop. 
Ace wastes no time before his hands are on your dripping sex. 
“Holy shit…” Ace glides a finger up and down your slit. “Look at how wet you are, pretty.” His one finger turns to two fingers as he collects more of your slick from your hole and brings it up to rub firm circles onto your clit. 
“Ace! Fuck!” You throw your head back, body feeling like it was filled with static electricity. He had you so worked up that every little touch felt like it was amplified by 100. 
“You’re so wet that I bet I could just slip my fingers in..” Ace smirks and swiftly plunges the two digits into your hole. You moan. “And I bet that if I do this…” Ace begins to firmly pull and tap his fingers into that delicious spot inside of your cunt. “… you’ll cum.” 
“Shit, fuck, Ace! O-oh my- Ah! ACE!” You cry out and explode all over Ace’s arm and the bed in front of you. 
“Looks like I was right, huh baby? That’s a good girl, give it all to me.” Ace playfully reacts as he rubs at your clit to prolong your orgasm. 
“Fuck… Ace…” You lay heaving on your bed in Ace’s arms, the spasms from your climax finally ceasing. 
You feel Ace smiling into your neck as he peppers it with sweet kisses. 
“I wouldn’t know what to do with it, huh???” He chuckles into your damp skin. 
“Shut up and fuck me already.” You roll your eyes. 
Ace gently moves you out from between his legs and he rises from the bed to remove his vest and shorts. You audibly gasp at the sight of his huge member springing free from its confines. 
“Jeez you weren’t kidding…” You say softly, eyes not leaving Ace’s cock in front of you. 
“I’m a pirate, baby, not a liar.” He flashes you that stupid grin again. “Now face down, ass up, sugar.” 
You quickly oblige, grabbing a pillow to cushion your face that was now stained with mascara. The first thing you feel is a warm hand sliding up your spine and massaging your skin, then you feel the prodding of Ace’s thick cock at your sopping wet entrance, the heavy mushroom tip barely breaching your hole. Ace dipped his tip teasingly in and out… 
“Ace…. please…” You whine as you push your hips back to entice him to fully enter you. 
“Okay, okay, I’ll give it to you, you don’t ever need to beg for me, pretty.” Ace plants both hands on your hips and pulls your ass flush against his pelvis, sinking his cock as deep as it will go into you. 
Strangled moans leave the both of you as he bottoms out. Ace pulls out slowly, looking down to admire the wet mess you’ve already left on his cock. He pushes back in and you moan again, squeezing him involuntarily. 
“Gods you were right… this tight little pussy is under-fucked.” Ace speeds up his thrusts and you gasp, the wind nearly knocked out of you. “Don’t worry baby, I’m gonna make sure that never happens to you again… gonna fuck you every day… make you feel so fucking good…” 
Ace was slamming into you at an animalistic pace and you felt a second orgasm creeping up on you. You could feel the droplets of sweat from Ace’s face splatter on your back, as well as the crazed, possessive grip on your hips almost certainly leaving bruises. You couldn’t form words, only broken sobs and shrieks as your lover drilled into you, dead set on making you cum again. 
Tears fell from your eyes against the pillow and you whined, so close to reaching your peak again. 
“Shh I know baby, I know it’s good. You’re doing so good for me…” Ace coos at you. “Cum on my cock and I’ll fill you up, ‘kay sugar?” Ace leans forward and presses his chest to you as he continues his brutal assault on your pussy. He reaches one hand from your hip down and around to rub at your clit. The stimulation sends you over the edge and your orgasm rips through your whole body. “Ace!” You scream out and lurch forward, no longer able to hold your torso up with your arms anymore. 
“Good fucking girl! Now I’m gonna make you mine…” Ace praises you. 
You try to mumble out “please” but you truly have no idea if you were saying anything coherent.
“Haaa, fuck!” Ace cries out and spills his load impossibly deep into your warm hole. You whimper as you feel rope after rope of Ace’s hot seed filling you. Ace rubs firm circles into your hips as he calms down from his release. 
Suddenly, Ace pulls out of you and flops back into your bed and pulls you to his chest. You nuzzle into his sweaty pecs as you throw a leg over his hips. Ace pulls the blanket over the two of you, briefly leaning upwards to make sure your whole body was covered and comfortable before settling back on the pillows. 
“So you were serious?” You ask quietly. 
“About what, baby?” Ace answers as he strokes your hair. 
“About fucking me every day?” You chuckle. 
“Mmhmm…” Ace kisses the top of your head. “Tomorrow. And the next day.. and the next day… and the next day… and the next… and…” 
You hear Ace start snoring and smile. 
xx 
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somerandomdudelmao · 6 months
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Hi Cass! First off I love all your stuff, huge inspiration ❤️💜💙🧡
You mentioned that you have to work fast because you’re in the animation industry then in the tags said you have ADHD. I’m a animation student struggling with my ADHD so I was wondering if it would be ok to ask how you handle staying focused and being motivated? Cognitive dissonance hits hard sometimes 🙃
Hm. The thing is, I work in the animation industry, but I'm not an animator. I'm a storyboard artist. It's very different.
When I was going into this whole thing, I was thinking a little bit about becoming an animator. Because let's be honest, the final product coming out of the hands of animators looks a lot cooler than a rough and crude storyboard. But I also realized very quickly that being an animator is literally the worst thing for my brain. It requires attention, perseverance, precision, and worst of all, it takes time. I tried to do one animation and realized I had none of those things. My brain was turning the whole process into torture.
So I started looking at other options and turned my attention to storyboarding. Because storyboarding is pretty much the opposite of animation when it comes to the creative process.
Drawing has to be fast and rough, you constantly have to come up with something new (and an adhd brain loves novelty~) And most importantly, angles, composition shots and characters are constantly changing.
I don't get stuck for two hours drawing the same face 500 times with careful precision. I play out whole scenes with lots of action and different emotions going on. It's entertaining.
And because some stages of the work can be done very sloppily, it makes it easier for me to overcome my paralysis and take it on.
I'm not going to say this will work for everyone. But for me personally? I think I've found the perfect job for my adhd brain haha
Of course, some amount of struggle is still present, but I'm stuck in a country where it's almost impossible to get adhd medication, so I've just accepted it~
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ruified · 4 months
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I realyyyy love angst :D
There's a oneshot or a scenario that i've been thinking about that's been rotting all over my head where what if reader / s/o is in their deathbed and about to die soon to a uncurable illness and (character) (i guess chuuya or sigma? idm) who thinks of reader as someone special to them is watching over them until their very last breath
LIKE
WHAT WILL THWY DO AND HOW WILL THEY REACT BEFORE AND AFTER DEATH!?!?
Haha my silly little idea is getting the best of me i just wanted to share this idea because i want my feelings to get hurt
❝ until your last 𝒃𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒉 ˎˊ˗
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warnings: death . characters: dazai osamu, atsushi nakajima, sigma, fyodor dostoevsky, chuuya nakahara . synopsis: their s/o is on their deathbed, they all have their own ways of coping with it . a/n: sorry this took me so long to get to, i was thinking very hard! i hope this is to your liking and you don’t mind little ideas like this instead of a scenario ^^;
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DAZAI —
— Dazai doesn’t know what to exactly make of the whole situation, you are so incredibly important to him and now he’s going to lose you? It’s sending him into a downward spiral.
— He refuses to touch you anymore, he just can’t do it
— He wants to make the most out of what little time you have left together but he also has an urge to cut ties with you and make it easier on both of you
— He eventually decides that he can hold your hand at least while you lay in that hospital bed
— After you pass, he tries his best to take care of himself because he knows that’s what you’d want, but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard
— He visits your grave frequently at first, then it dies down to your birthday, anniversaries, and holidays
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ATSUSHI —
— He has been keeping a close eye on you since he first noticed you were sick, and he’s been taking great care of you ever since! However, that doesn’t stop the inevitable
— When he heard the news, tears welled in his eyes and he had to excuse himself, he didn’t want to cry in front of you
— He kept you company as much as he could
— On days where he had a lot of work, he’d ask someone else like Kyouka to go check on you
— He would prepare little lunch boxes for you every day and bring them to you
— He brings a lunch box to your grave for you
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SIGMA —
— He paced around a lot in the hospital room, especially after he heard the news
— He tried so hard to think of a solution but nothing realistic came to mind
— He had you come stay in a room at the casino so he could at least still be close to you even when he had work
— Your room was kept away from any other visitors and was close to his office, making it easy for him to check on you
— He asked his staff members to change your glass of water frequently and give you a new warm blanket when you needed it
— He kept himself busy with work to try and keep away the dread of your passing
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FYODOR —
— After hearing the news, he decided it would be best to care for you at home instead of being kept in such a dreary hospital
— He would read books to you to keep you entertained
— He’d bring his laptop into your room sometimes so that he could at least keep you company even while he worked
— He’d cook soup for you frequently, sometimes even feeding it to you
— He asks you if you have any wishes before you go, he doesn’t want you leaving with any regrets, and he does whatever he can to make it all come true
— He attends to any possible unfinished business you may have before your passing so that you can go without worry
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CHUUYA —
— He really doesn’t believe it at first
— He contacts Mori and asks him to look over the medical records and tell him the truth; Mori tells him that it is in fact all real
— He’ll often sit next to you and squeeze your hand, refusing to let go
— He’ll fall asleep with you in your hospital room, draped over you in your bed
— He sits next to you and cuts your apple slices into bunnies, or sometimes other, more intricate shapes
— He asks you often if there’s anything you need him to do for you, also wanting to fulfill any last wishes you may have
— He makes sure you have a proper funeral, he’s tired of those he cares about not getting one.
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cozygold · 2 months
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Mystery of Lilia's ring
Lilia x Reader
Warnings: angst/fluff, fem reader, general lilia, book 7 spoiler
Pt. I Pt. II
Lilia wears a wedding ring under his gloves. However when asked he doges the question or makes up some silly excuse
Malleus is aware that he had wife. Lilia confirmed it a while ago but did not elborate further
It was only during the Malleus overblot incident that Diasnomia family found out about her and who she was
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(it takes place after Malleus have put everyone to sleep Silver/Sebek/Yuu watch Lilia dream play in front of them like movie)
Lilia woke up in unknown place. His whole body was burning with pain, he barely had the strenght to open his eyes
Everything was blurry but he could make out soothing humming and chopping of knife against a wooden board. It made him relax his muscles a little before the noise stopped. At the same time he realized
'Wait...it sounds like.. a human language?!'
He shot up sitting up on the bed before tumbling back down from the anguish
"My,my don't strain yourself like that, dear"
His eyes widden in horror when he felt hot breath right next to his ear along with voice that he heard ealier. He quickly reached to his waist trying to grab his weapon. But it wasn't there
"Sorry, love I had a feeling you might try that so i had to take your toy away so my head will stay on my shoulders"
He whipped his head around and saw a human woman. Now standing good few feet away from him. She was wearing a dark cloak and a long dress. Both looked pretty torn down and dirty
"What do you want, human? Even without my weapon i can take you down easily"
His eyes started intensly at her. A sight simillar to a wounded animal
"Haha, you would be right if you weren't in a state you're currently in. I barely saved that leg of yours. I'm medic that specilizes in humans, you see~"
She took few steps closer to him. Smile never leaving her face
"I'm (y/n)(y/l), i'm a traveling medic. I manged to save you from that abush that you got yourself into earlier"
Lilia squinted his eyes, trying to recall what happend. He remembers how fast his heart was beating, the metal that tore through his flesh...
Green fire, and a figure with what looked like horns
"Meleanor?! What the hell was she doing there?! Speak human!"
"Oh, i'm sure she's safe and sound in her castle"
"What?! Don't try to make fool out of me. I know what i saw. This green fire and the horns must have belonged to her"
"Oh no it was just me"
She deadpaned looking blankly at him. They stared at each other in awkward. Lilia pinched the bridge of his nose
"Care to explain yourself?"
(y/n) giggled and puffed her chest proudly
"It looks like two twigs on my head and some plant colored fire was enough to send the fools running. I honestly suprised you fell for it too"
She tilted her head to the side, looking smugly at him. Lilia felt his cheeks warm up. How could he had fallen for such simple trick?
"Hmph!"
He quickly turned around on the bed facing the wall and hiding his red face
Meanwhile Sebek, Silver and Yuu watched as the dream played in front of them
"Who is this woman?! How dare she mock Master Lilia!"
"Shh, Sebek that might be her. Father's wife..."
"Nonsense! He never even mentioned having a wife. Let alone a human"
"Never directly. But i once overheard Lord Malleus try to speak about her with him. After confirmation Father quickly changed the subject"
Silver scratched his chin, deep in thought
"as much i feel like inviding Father's privacy, this might be our only chance to really get to know her"
Back to the dream
"Awww, come on General! You gotta i eat! I didnt work so hard to save you just for you to die out of starvation"
Lilia scrunched up his face, turning away from the spoon being held to him. He spent about 4 days in the human's cottage refusing to eat, still not being able to stand up from the bed.
He didnt trust her one bit. She has no reason to do it so. What kind of motive drives her? Trying to gain his trust to poison him? Is she secretly a twisted woman trying to make him in some sort of fae pet for her amusement?
He has to get out as soon as possible
"I have no intention of taking anything from you, woman"
His tone harsh as it always been, red eyes glaring at her
She sighed, pulled out a chair and slumped down on it, setting the bowl of soup on the table. (eye color) eyes looked up blankly at the ceiling
It was her first time taking in a fae patient. She did as much reaserch as she could on them during such short amout of time. She knew that they could survive longer without food than humans. They also recovered faster
But his state was quite serious. Regular man would have probably passed by now. Used to enduring injuries in battle he's probably not even aware of it.
She Has to make him trust her. Just enough for him to her treat him
"You never told me your name. I just know you by 'general' "
She finally broke the tense silence, turning her head in his direction. He still refused to meet her eyes
"There is no need for you know it"
"Huhhh, no fair, i already told you mine"
Her attempt at teasing him got ignored making the room go quiet once again
"I never wanted this war. And i know you didnt either"
She dropped the teasing letting her tone get more grim
"Tch, don't act like you know me or what i want"
It was clear from his body language that this conversation was getting on his nerves, yet she continued to press further. It was now or never
"I know that my people caused you unimaginable pain. No matter what either side has to gain from its not worth all the suffering.
Fae, human, merfolk, beastman...i was taught to treasure all lives. I swore that i will save as many as i can as a medic. Just like you swore to protect your people as a general"
Lilia despite still being sceptical for first time seemed to not ignore her
"My parents were medic as well. They made me what i am today, taught me how to treat people. My whole village fell victim to this conflict"
Her voice shaked, eyes starting to get watery. She took a deep breath to remain composed before speaking futher
"I will not ask for your pity or gratitude towards me. Just please let me treat you. We already lost enough"
She bowed her head to him, her voice pleading almost like she was begging for her own life. Lilia let out a heavy sigh
"Rise your head, human. I do not want to be subjected to such a pitful sight any longer"
Few stray tears streaming down her cheek, her eyes looked up him hopefully
"I will eat your soup so cease your whining"
A bright smile adorned her features. She clasped her hands together letting out a joyful laugh
"Thank you sooo much! Don't be afraid to say if you don't like it i will adjust it to your taste next time! Please enjoy it!"
She handed him a bowl and a spoon
"I will be in the kitchen mixing up some healing herbs for you!"
"Sevens, quit talking my ear off! J-just go do what you're supposed to do"
"Right! Please call me if you need anything"
She skipped towards the door and just about when she was about to leave the room she heard her patient speak up
"Hey..."
"Hmmm?~"
She turned around, tilting her head curiosly
"Its Lilia Vanrouge. My name"
Suprise washed over her features for a moment before her lips spread into a thoothy grin
"Nice to meet you, Lilia"
162 notes · View notes
hugmekenobi · 4 months
Text
Return to the Light
A Bad Batch Post S2 Oneshot
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Gif by @spacemagicandlaserswords
Hunter x femaleJedi!reader
Summary: Being separated from one another had taken it's toll and the search had been hard but in all the darkness, a glimmer of hope remains
Warnings: Mentioned canon-typical violence, swearing, my made-up timeline, limited use of y/n, some choice interrogation techniques, sad flashbacks, mentions/descriptions of torture, mentions of death, mentions/descriptions of injury and sickness, reader is not in the greatest of headspaces and takes it out on Lyra, talks of self-sabotage/sacrifice and self-loathing, my interpretation of all things Force, dodgy Star Wars medical techniques, slight manipulation/miscommunication, kissing, overall a pretty angsty time but there's some fluff sprinkled in
Masterlist for S1 and S2
Word Count: 18.2K (don't look at me, idk what happened lol)
Rating: 18+
Author's note: Huge shoutout and thanks to my friend @burningfieldof-clover who supported and provided many helpful tips as I struggled though this!! And its finally here! I am so sorry it took so long but I hope you all enjoy it despite the wait! I have another one planned to follow that hopefully will not take as long haha so I'm excited to get to work on that too! Also praying that by posting this, I can manifest a S3 trailer haha
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Nelvaan
Ever since the disaster of Ord Mantell and from the second they’d managed to flee; Hunter had been doing everything he could to find you and Omega again. He’d tormented himself with the various possibilities of what could be happening to the two of you. Every day he’d been apart from you both had seen him fighting with himself. Possible informants and Imperial soldiers he could cope with just fine, what had been proving to be a struggle was fighting the complete hopelessness that had overwhelmed him as the weeks dragged on with no sign or information on the whereabouts of either of you. Every failed lead had left the bitter taste of disappointment and there were times when he felt like he would be crushed by the weight each defeat brought.
Things had started to shift however when they came across the various wanted posters and holoimages of you that were strewn across the galaxy, particularly in the Outer Rim. So, when Echo had decided to do some work on his own and went back to working with his contacts within the Empire and reported back that you hadn’t actually been taken, he’d felt that flicker of hope he hadn’t been able to find for a long time and the plan changed. Echo would continue to utilise his allies in the search for Omega whilst he and Wrecker looked for you. Once Hunter had you back, the four of you would reconvene and find Omega.
To get to Omega, they needed your skills and… and Hunter just needed you but there were moments in the early stages of the search where it seemed impossible. Knowing you were out on your own helped with finding his way out of the darkness but knowing you were alive and finding you alive were very different things, the latter was proving to be incredibly challenging.
You may had stopped hiding what you were, but you were remarkably good at making an impression somewhere but still finding a way to go unseen. Every location they’d gone to, they’d been too late, and you appeared to have moved on. You never stuck around anywhere for too long and it was making things a lot harder.
The most recent trail of half-baked information he and Wrecker had followed had led them to this pawn shop- ‘Hidden Gems’. According to rumour, you’d been in asking about them, yet another piece of knowledge that only added to his frustration that they always seemed to miss you by a matter of weeks. Hunter opened the door, but the owner’s back was still turned to them as they pashed the threshold.
Kedrin heard the bell clang as the door opened and shut. “I’ll be with you in a flash.” He said as he finished writing up the recent sales. He closed the book and turned around with a salesman smile on his face, but that and his words of welcome instantly died on his lips as he saw who had walked in.
Immediately upon seeing these men, Kedrin was reminded of a description given to him a while ago by the Jedi everyone had been talking about and he did not want them here. He did not want to deal with this anymore. “Ah, well actually gentlemen, I was just closing up for the afternoon. You’ll have to come back.” He said, wringing his hands nervously as the bigger one split off and began wandering the shop whilst the one with the bandana stayed where he was.
Hunter leaned his back against the door and lazily played with his vibroblade. He knew by the beads of sweat on the owner’s brow and the anxious pounding of his heart that they were in the right place. “Where is she?” He asked, his voice low and hostile as he turned the sign from open to closed, his eyes never leaving the owner.
Kedrin retreated to behind the counter. “I um…” His throat was as dry as sand and he swallowed to get some moisture back so he could speak properly. “I don’t know who-” He cleared his throat again. “Who you are referring to. Perhaps-”
“There’s not point in lying to him. If I can tell you are, he definitely can.”
Kedrin’s eyes darted to the bigger one who had offered the advice, but he had to bring his attention back to the tattooed soldier who was staring at him with such cold and dark eyes that fear creeped up his spine, making his hair stand on end and goosebumps rise on his flesh.
“Where is she?” Hunter asked again as he pushed off the door and steadily walked towards the man.
“I’m- I’m afraid I don’t- don’t have the answer you seek.” Kedrin stuttered. As the soldier drew closer, Kedrin reached under the table and grabbed the blaster he kept concealed there. But, as he lifted it out, in the blink of an eye, the weapon was shot out of his hand and his head was smacked down and being pressed harshly into the countertop- a strong hand on the back of his neck reducing his struggles to break free to be no more than a pitiful effort. His resistance ceased altogether when he felt the sharp tip of a blade being pushed into the back of his hand and he cried out in discomfort as the metal broke the skin and blood began to spill from the cut but there would be no respite for him.
“Try again.” Hunter hissed as he brought his head down to the man’s level.
But all Kedrin could do was whimper in pain.
“She was here. We know she was here. Where did she go?” Hunter growled into his ear, applying more pressure to the point of the blade, ignoring the agonised yelp.
“I don’t know!” Kedrin protested in distress, his voice slightly muffled as his lips touched the cold material of the counter. He hated this part of the job, it wasn’t his fault he had access to other ports of information, it just worked out that way and for the most part he hadn’t gotten into too much bother. But ever since that Jedi woman had come to him with her threats, he’d vowed to himself that he would turn over a new leaf. He’d leave this element of his work behind, and he wouldn’t just be a pushover to whatever or whoever came in demanding his extra services. He felt the hand leave the back of his neck. He uneasily straightened up and tenderly analysed his injury on his hand but was grateful to see that it had felt and looked worse than it was. He took out a handkerchief from the lapel of his jacket and wrapped it up before he tidied his hair in an attempt to regain some calm and control over the situation. “Now, I ask that you leave this instance before I call the proper authorities.” He demanded, but he couldn’t shake the quiver in his speech which removed any forcefulness. He walked around the counter and gestured to the door.
Hunter ignored his requested. He simply took a step back and nodded sharply to Wrecker who cracked his knuckles and neck in intimidation.
Well, he could always start next week. “Wait wait wait! I actually might have something!” Kedrin back peddled fearfully as the larger one stalked towards him and grabbed him by the lapels of his jacket, raising him to his tiptoes. “My brother runs our partner pawn shop on Christophsis and he’s said there’s been Jedi activity there. Apparently, it’s been going on for a while now. Could be who you’re looking for?”
Wrecker glanced back at Hunter who signalled to him to drop the man.
Hunter silently turned on his heels and led the way out of the shop and back to the Marauder. He’d been powerless for far too long and had failed one too many times but that wasn’t going to happen anymore.
This time they weren’t going to miss you.
--
Christophsis
When the hour had finally got late enough, you grabbed your blaster and sheathed your vibroblade and made the final adjustments to your armour before you sneakily opened your door to dark and empty main room of the run-down apartment. You pulled your hood and mask up as you stepped out and headed for the exit.
You got as far as activating the panel for the door to open before the lights turned on.
“You’re going out again.”
You closed the door and huffed out an irritated breath. You swivelled on your heels to see Lyra standing in the doorway of her room. You tugged down your mask. “Yeah… and?”
“And I thought after the last time, you were going to take some time and-”
“You know I can’t do that.” You interrupted icily.
“You’ve barely recovered. I just think-”
“I’ve recovered enough.”
“It’s just one more night. If not for your sake, then do it for mine… please.”
“We’ve already settled here for you, didn’t we?” You retorted.
“After I begged you too! If it were up to you, we’d still be living on that hellhole of a ship and never staying anywhere for more than two weeks! And I don’t know if what we have right now is all that better!”
“I gave you an out months ago! Back on Ord Mantell and again on Corellia! You didn’t have to follow me!” You snapped angrily.
Lyra scoffed. “Corellia was when you finally deemed it fit to fill me in on the whole story after I saw you choke the life out of a man without laying a hand on him. I had known something was off in the weeks since Ord Mantell and then Corellia told me you needed someone. Forgive me if I wanted to stick around to try to help you!”
“I don’t need saving.” You said tightly. “And anyway, he got what was coming to him.” You said utterly uncaring with a simple shrug of your shoulders. “Now, can I go now? Are you done scolding me?”
Lyra looked at you imploringly. “Don’t you see what this is doing to you? You’re losing who you are and it’s-”
You couldn’t listen to the speech again. “I’m not doing this with you again, Lyra. Just go back to bed and I’ll be back later.”
Lyra looked at you in disbelief. “Later? Last time you said that I didn’t see you for three weeks and you came back tortured and half-dead! You’re no good to them if you die in the process of finding them!”
You just shook your head and lifted your mask and turned to open the door again.
“I can’t watch you kill yourself for this anymore.” Lyra said quietly to your back, her words laced with pity and sadness.
“Then don’t look.” With that, you stepped outside into the night.
--
Kirion stepped into the small kitchen in the back of his shop and sifted through the second cupboard. Instinct meant he didn’t need the light and he found what he was looking for.
“Trouble sleeping?”
Kirion yelped and dropped his mug. It smashed to the ground but that was not his concern anymore. The dark outline by the window was. “I don’t want any trouble.” His voice trembling.
“Do you know what they say about people who can’t sleep at night, Kirion?” You asked as you hopped off the counter, the yellow hue of the streetlights coming through the window illuminating your figure.
“N- no.”
“Plagued by a guilty conscience. The crushing weight of knowing you’re not doing enough, or you’ve gone too far can get to you. Or say, being a pawn shop owner intent on ripping everyone off for that extra bit of profit.”
Kirion cleared his throat nervously. He didn’t know how you knew that, but you’d gathered quite the reputation in the time you’d lived here, and he didn’t want you around. “Why are you here then?” He asked shakily. “Guilty conscience too?”
You laughed humourlessly. “You get the pleasure of my company because you have something for me.” Somewhere deep down, you had a different answer, but you wouldn’t allow yourself to bring that to the surface. It would get you nowhere.
“I don’t. I swear I-”
“Oh, this’ll go a lot better if you don’t lie to me.” You said, your voice hardening. You patted him roughly on the shoulder as you stepped past him.
“I don’t know if I have the information you’re looking for.”
“You know who I am?” You flicked the light on and waltzed into the storefront filled with clear glass cases with various pawned off items. Heirlooms, artifacts, jewellery, random items- all seemed to have a place here, whether they were genuine or not. You beckoned him to come in.
“It’s um kind of hard not to.” He wringed his hands anxiously as he followed you in and signalled to the front of the store. He took that opportunity to press the button under the table by the credit register.
You followed his stare and chuckled as you saw the backs of the posters in the front window. “I can sign one for you later.” You started scanning variety of items he possessed. “Quite the business you’ve got here.”
“Keeps-” He swallowed nervously. “Keeps the credits coming in.”
“Shame a lot of it is all garbage.” You smashed your elbow against one of the glass panels. “Anakin Skywalker’s lightsaber?” You snickered as you picked up the item and sure enough, you got nothing from it. “Please. Nothing here but a bunch of dressed up metal material and a design anyone with access to an old holonet could copy. Then again, you probably knew that, but it doesn’t stop you underpaying for it and then charging a steep fee for the poor sucker that falls for it.”
Kirion gulped as he watched you continue your assault on his store.
You shattered a few more glass panes with claims of ‘Jedi artifacts’ in them. “Some of this is just embarrassing. You actual convince people that this stuff is worth the price?”
“What do you want?” Kirion interjected swiftly as he saw you getting ready to break another one.
You paused your movement and angled yourself to face him. You mimed applause. “That’s the right question. See, you gave yourself away earlier, Kirion. I’d expect you to know who I am, but to know that I’m after information? You had no way of knowing that, not officially and it’s the fact that you do know, that makes you of use to me.”
“Of use?” Kirion repeated fretfully.
You stalked closer to the desk register, the broken glass crunching beneath your feet. “You run this place in a back alley and get everyone from all walks of life coming in here pawning off their shit that you then rip off, but I really don’t give a fuck about that. What I do give a fuck about is that you hear things. People will tell you their stories, the things they’ve seen and overheard in the streets or on their travels. You are a fountain of knowledge of the underground happenings in this galaxy. Or, at the very least, you know people that run in the circles that have what I’m searching for.
“I-”
You placed a finger on his lips to shush him. “Here’s how this will work: So long as you don’t lie to me, and you don’t call the Empire, I won’t hurt you and you get to keep your life. Are we clear?” You removed your finger.
“C-crystal.” Kirion stuttered, very much regretting what he’d done in the beginning of this meeting.
“Good.” You released a short breath. “Now, I’m looking for a group of clones. They don’t look like the ones you may come across these days, rare as that seems to be now. One wears a red bandana and has a tattoo on the left-side of his face. Looks like this.” You pointed to the white insignia on your top. “But it’s black. The other is tall and bald with a scar on his left temple and he’s blind in his left eye. Heard of anyone like that?”
“I don’t know. No one like that’s come here.” Kirion shifted his feet awkwardly.
You tossed your head back in aggravation. “I really don’t have time for this.” You summoned the Force and lifted him against the wall and started to compress his airway. “I told you; I don’t like liars.” You gave him a pitying stare as he couldn’t help but clutch desperately at his throat. “Wanna try again?” You relaxed your hold slightly to give him the chance to speak.
“Okay- they- they- could be- be- coming here.” He gasped.
“They’re coming here?” You double checked as you eased your grip and let him get his feet back on the ground.
Kirion panted as he felt the invisible hold around his neck loosen. “Yes, my other store got a visit from some men that match what you’re saying. The manager there told them there was a Jedi here and called me earlier to let me know they might pass this way. That’s all I know, please, get out!”
You narrowed your eyes at him because despite his now honest words, you could tell he was getting anxious, and it wasn’t all because of you now. It was then that you heard the familiar pounding footsteps grow closer and halt outside the front door. You released an exasperated sigh and tutted. “Kirion… I thought we had an understanding.”
“No- wait! I-”
You called on the Force and snapped his neck before he had a chance to finish his plea and a second later, you heard the door crash open.
“You’re-”
“Under arrest?” You finished as you watched Kirion’s limp body slide to the floor. You heaved a sigh and turned to face the squad of ten stormtroopers that were lining the rows and blocking the path between you and the door.
“Get-”
“On my knees? Place my hands behind my head?” You interrupted, boredom evident in your tone as you crossed your arms and leaned against the till counter.
The troopers faltered slightly at your blatant dismissiveness of them.
You pretended to look confused for a moment. “Now, I can never keep track of where the Empire is in that whole phasing out thing so I always gotta ask this- any of you got a CT number?” You straightened up and hovered your hand over your blaster. “It’s always much simpler when none of you do.”
“Last chance, Jedi!” One of them called out as they readjusted their stances.
You scoffed and rolled your eyes. “Yeah… you all say the same thing.”
--
You quietly walked into your place and pulled your hood and mask down, ignoring the sting of pain as the material caught on the cuts on the bridge of your nose and your lip. You ran your tongue along your mouth and could still taste the harsh metallic taste of blood as it continued to ooze from the wound. Your nose was also still bleeding so you turned on the dim kitchen light to find something to stop it.
“Thought you’d be outta here by now.” You commented cooly without looking up as you heard her door open, and the soft padding of footsteps walk towards you. You fished out a cloth and ran it under some cold water and wiped away the congealed blood on your face before you held it to your nose.
“We don’t have a ship anymore, remember?” Lyra reminded you as she sat by the small kitchen table.
You’d forgotten about that. After the two of you had found this place, you’d sold it to someone who claimed to have word from Hunter. Unfortunately, that had turned out to be a rather bad deal and it was your first experience of dealing with the Imperials stationed here. “There are transports.”
Lyra just shook her head at you. “You still don’t get it.”
“Don’t really see what there is to get. Just hop on the next ship outta here, I won’t stop you.”
“I care about you, dumbass. Whatever is happening to you, I can’t just leave you alone in it.” Lyra replied wearily. Part of her wanted to, she’d even started packing a bag this time, but after these months spent with you and especially after what you went through recently told her you were one step away from a full-on breakdown and whether you would admit it or not, you still needed someone.
You ground out a sigh and stared down at the floor. She kept doing this. She kept having that faith in you that you couldn’t see but you didn’t deserve it. She should leave, she’d be better off without you but you didn’t have it in you to give her that final push. So, you worked on freezing her out, pushing her away until she realised you weren’t good for her or anyone else. But she refused, she was still here with you, and you couldn’t fathom why.
“Did you get what you were looking for?” Lyra asked, deliberately avoiding asking the state of the people that had clearly got in your way tonight. She’d seen what you were capable of but found that living in as much ignorance as she could saved her a lot of trouble. That and reminding herself you were not yourself right now.
“Yup.” You rinsed out the cloth and got ready to move into your room.
“I need to check your stitches. You weren’t ready for a fight yet.”
You knew what she would find if she looked. “No, you don’t.”
“(Y/N), let me see.” Lyra caught your arm as you went to move past her.
You huffed out another irritated breath but took your armour off before you lifted your first layer over your head. “Knock yourself out.”
She pushed up your vest top. “Yeah, you ripped a few open.” Lyra winced as she saw the lines of blood secreting from the sore and irritated looking now open wounds on your back.
“It’s fine.” You said dismissively. The pain wasn’t bothering you. You needed to come up with a plan of how to know when they got here.
“It’s not. Sit down.” She insisted as she went for the medkit. She had gotten well-acquainted with the item over the months, the most recent incident in particular had really tested her skills.
You released a resigned sigh and sat across from her and let her start cleaning them and closing them up again.
“They’re coming here, Lyra.” You found yourself whispering into the silence.
Lyra paused her process. “You’ve been told that before. The same thing happened on Cermau a couple months ago and it didn’t pan out. You-”
“I know what happened on Cermau. This isn’t like that.” You said defensively. It had to be different. You thought to yourself. You weren’t sure how many more dead ends you could take.
Lyra finished up the last few stitches. “You can’t know that.”
As soon as you felt her complete that last stitch, you stood. “Yes, I can.” You grabbed your armour and strode had over to your room without another word and shut the door.
You braced your hands against it and took a few deep breaths. You did have a way you could do but it had been so long since you’d gone near it, and you didn’t know if you could cope with the failure it might bring.
--
You settled in the middle of your crappy bed, the mattress sinking to the bedframe beneath as you shifted around to attempt to find some level of comfort. When you had found what you figured would be the ‘best’ spot, you crossed your legs and placed your hands on your knees.
You inhaled slowly, deeply, blocking out all the distractions of your mind and the sounds of the late-night life outside, and closed your eyes. You reached into the Force but what met you wasn’t any familiar signature. It was scenes and voices that you had tried so hard to forget.
Flashes of the people you’d hurt… you’d killed.
All that happened to you a week ago.
Tech hanging below the rail car.
Plan 99.
Omega, unconscious and injured on the ground.
Such an exquisite creature.
The torture he made you go through... and enjoyed.
His words to Hunter- To lose one of your own, it must weigh heavily on you as their leader.
Omega being carried off.
Hemlock letting you and Hunter have one last goodbye before you were taken away.
I love you.
No, it was too much. You couldn’t do it. Your breathing was shaky as you tore yourself out. You wiped the cold sweat from your palms. “Come on, get it together.” You told yourself as you took a long calming breath. You needed to do this right.
You centred yourself and went again. Except this time, all you could see was a vast space of darkness. No light, no hope, only darkness. Was this to be your fate? To be tormented by the fact you had let yourself fall and there was nothing left for you. How could you find them in this? You had no light left in you to give.
Spark.
You felt yourself twitch in discomfort. You knew that voice. That name. Only one person ever called you that.
Spark, you’re still not focused.
Let go of your anger. You’re not as lost as you view yourself to be.
No, no it couldn’t be. How could it be? No, this wasn’t right. You pulled yourself out and you looked around your room in a blind panic as you fought to get your distressed breathing back under control.
But it was only you in there. How could you hear him? It had to be some trick your mind was playing on you. Payback for all you’d done.
You exhaled heavily and braced your hands behind your neck as you looked to the ceiling. You stood and paced the confined space, shaking your hands as if you could shake away the bad feeling sitting on your chest.
You sat back on the bed and rolled your shoulders as you found your focus again. Faint rays of sun now came through the cracks in your window along with the sound of rain pattering against the fractured glass, but the new time meant nothing to you.
You didn’t care how long it would take; you were going to find them.
--
Hunter and Wrecker walked out of the ship and departed the bay to enter the streets of Christophsis- the rain sliding down their armour as they moved between the crowds.
“Well, we’re in the right place.” Wrecker commented as he nudged Hunter in the direction of the first holoscreen that had your image appear and a quick look at the immediate buildings followed that theme since they all had multiple paper posters in their windows and on their doors.
Hunter swallowed tightly as he saw holographic picture of you. There’d been one too many ‘right places’ in his search for you. He wasn’t going to accept that philosophy until he had something more than a wanted sign for you. “Come on. We’ll start with Kendrin’s brother.”
--
“So, you’re saying you saw a figure head in that direction after the disturbance last night?” A trooper pointed in said direction as she questioned the current resident on her list whilst the rest of her squad proceeded to clear the pawnshop.
“This looks like her handiwork, Sarge.” Wrecker uttered from the corner of the street they were observing from as he studied the scene ahead. Squads of troopers had cornered off the street and where questioning the civilians that appeared to live in the neighbourhood. And being carried out on stretchers were the dead bodies of troopers, but not all had blaster burns on their armour.
Hunter nodded his agreement and felt his heart beat that little bit faster with the flutter of hope. “Come on, we can’t stay here too long.” He directed as he and Wrecker turned away from the pawnshop.
As Hunter began to track your movements based on what he’d heard the trooper say, this finally being the right location was starting to feel a lot more plausible now.
--
There it was! You saw that faint glimmer of light in all the dark. It had to be them! You could feel it!
You jumped from your bed and grabbed your top and armour, hastily putting them on as you opened your door and bolted for the exit.
--
The weather had taken a turn for the worst, but you barely registered the pouring rain as you left the building. Your clothes were already soaked but it didn’t matter, you were too focused on holding onto that feeling of them.
“You’re the Jedi everyone is searching for.”
You whipped out your blaster and turned in the direction of the voice.
“No, wait! I don’t mean you any harm!” She came out from behind the skip with her hands in the air. “My name is-”
“Don’t tell me.” You interrupted sharply as you studied the Twilek before you. “How’d you find me?” You asked coldly. You didn’t lower your blaster either.
“It wasn’t easy. I’ve been following you since I knew of your arrival here. I thought I’d lost you when you disappeared for those three weeks.”
The fact you hadn’t sensed her presence at all told you that you were not what you used to be. You never used to be so sloppy. “I can’t have you knowing where I am.” You rested your hand over the trigger.
“Wait!” She reached a hand out to you. “I haven’t told anyone, and I won’t. I just need your help!”
“My help?” You repeated. “I can’t help you and I’ve got somewhere to be so-”
“Please.” She begged. “My sister, she’s sick and we barely have enough credits to feed ourselves, let alone get medicine.”
“Not my problem, I’m sorry.” Satisfied though that she wasn’t a true threat, you put your blaster away and got ready to leave.
“It wasn’t my sister’s problem that she got caught in a blaster fight and her wound got infected! No one asks for that!”
That made you pause. You’d had your fair share of shootouts in this place but you’d also you’re your best to minimise the damage to outsiders. “Where was the fight?” You found yourself asking quietly.
“About a month ago by the old shipyard on the outskirts of the city. We’d been told we could find some cheap transport off world, but something went down with the Imperials stationed there and my sister… I didn’t tug her down fast enough. I didn’t know what to do and then I heard of the Jedi that had landed in Christophsis and I knew I had to find you.”
A month ago… but that was where and when you’d gone to sell the ship… where’d you’d first been ambushed by the Imperials… no, there wasn’t meant to be anyone else there. Maybe you could… no, you didn’t have the time. Your aim was always good, it wouldn’t have been your shot that hit her. “I can’t.” You said dismissively, but there was a fading sense of conviction in your voice. Some part of you wanted to do the right thing by her. But it wasn’t enough to stop you pushing past her.
“I thought Jedi helped people!”
You stopped in your tracks and made a noise of resigned frustration as you turned around to face the young Twilek. “Wait here.”
You hastily ran back into your building, silently entered, and grabbed a few spare medical supplies from your kit before you ran back out to meet her again. “Alright, show me.”
--
Your place looked like a luxurious penthouse compared to where this young twilek and her sister were staying. It was virtually a single room with cracks in the walls and ceiling and there was a distinct damp aroma in the air. It was no wonder that they wanted to leave this place.
You then saw the smaller and younger twilek lying on a small mattress in the middle of the floor. There were drops of sweat dotted across her brow and she was shivering uncontrollably.
You’d never wanted anyone innocent to be affected by what you were doing yet it had happened with Lyra and now this child. “I’m sorry.” You whispered to her as you kneeled down beside her. You saw the bloodstain on her clothing and delicately lifted the end of her shirt to see the wound on her hip being covered by nothing more than a ripped piece of a shirt.  
“Can you help her?”
You half- turned to face the sister who was looking on fretfully. “I can clean the wound and reclose it. After that, it’ll be down to her. But the fact that she’d held on for so long is a good sign. She’s strong, she should be okay.”
The sister sighed in relief.
You brought out the supplies and recleaned and applied to bacta before you re-dressed the wound. “Do you have water?” You asked.
The sister nodded and dashed over to grab a cannister. She passed it to you.
“Lift her head.” You instructed gently.
She murmured words of comfort to her sister as she propped up her head.
As tenderly but as effectively as you could, you pushed the pill past her lips and got her to swallow it down with some water.
When her breathing had grown more controlled and her shivering had subsided, you go to your feet. “I’m leaving you some bacta and wound dressings along with some pills that’ll help with the fever. That’s all I can do now.”
“Thank you.” She clasped your hand tightly. “I won’t forget this.”
“It’s better that you do.” You said grimly. “And once she’s better, if you still need a way out of here, use the actual transports off this planet.” You chucked a bag of credits on the ground before you walked out of the room.
You rounded the corner but swiftly pressed your back against the wall since there was a group of stormtroopers directly in your path. You would have no chance of finding them with those soldiers in your way. You needed to find a way around them and what better way to do that than going from roof to roof. You summoned the Force and jumped to the top of the building and got moving.
You would get a better view from above anyway.
--
When another small squad of troopers made their presence known ahead, Hunter signalled him and Wrecker to an alleyway out of the line of their sight. He knew they were close to you, but the Imperial presence was making it hard to track you effectively.
“We can’t keep hiding like this, Hunter.” Wrecker grunted in frustration.
“I know, Wrecker.” Hunter agreed, equally as irritated. “If I could just-” He stopped suddenly.
“Hunter?”
“Someone’s here.” Hunter muttered quietly as his hand fell over his blaster.
“You’re getting sloppy, Sergeant. I’ve been following you the past 3 blocks.”
The voice that he’d been longing to hear and that was so familiar, he’d recognise it anywhere. His breath hitched with the realisation at what this finally meant. Hunter took off his helmet and turned around to the distant sound of feet hitting a puddle in the ground. And it was you. Standing there before him. It was finally you.
“Hello, Hunter.” You said softly, so softly you could barely hear the words themselves due to the sound of your own heart thundering in your ears. If it wasn’t for the flash of recognition in his eyes or the way Wrecker’s jaw dropped as he propped his helmet atop his head, you wouldn’t have been certain that you’d said anything at all. You tugged down your coverings and let yourself be unprotected to the rain.
He felt like the air had been punched out of his lungs. Hunter dropped his helmet and something akin to a choked gasp fell from his mouth as he could at long last lay his eyes on you. He started to slowly walk towards you but that soon became a run, water kicking up against him, but he didn’t care.
Your feet slapped against the wet ground as you met him halfway and crashed into his arms with a thankful sigh and buried your face in his neck. Even as you held him tightly to you, part of you still couldn’t believe that it was him. You felt something swell in your heart, a feeling you couldn’t place but knew you hadn’t felt in a long time.
Did you deserve this? Did you deserve to have him back after all you’d done? Pushing the thought away, you readjusted your embrace as if you could somehow hold him even closer.
He twisted his hands in your clothing and breathed you in. He’d imagined this moment for so long. When things seemed too dark and hopeless, he’d clung on to this. To think about how it would feel to finally see you again. To hold you again. And imagination couldn’t compare to the utter joy in his heart that reality brought him. He almost didn’t want to let you go for fear that you could be taken away again but practicality took precedence, the two of you couldn’t stay this way forever, as much as he might want to.
Tears mixed with rain streamed down both your cheeks as you parted from one another.
You cupped his face in your hands. “You’re here? You’re actually here?” You murmured, your voice cracking with emotion. You’d driven yourself crazy with picturing this moment, you needed to make sure this wasn’t your brain’s idea of a cruel joke.
Hunter removed your hands from his face and kissed your gloved knuckles. “I’m here.” He whispered back, his breathing still shaky as he pressed pressing his forehead into yours.
“You’re here.” You repeated as you looked into his soft brown eyes.
Hunter’s thumb gently caressed the cut on your lip, and he noticed the other wound on your nose. “Did they-”
You pulled his hand away. “Doesn’t matter. This is all I care about right now.”
Before Hunter could push the matter, he felt his brother approach.
“And what about me?”
You glanced past Hunter to the indignant but affectionate voice. “Hi, Wrecker.” You met his open armed invitation and let him swing your around as he hugged you.
“Good to see you, (Y/N)!”
“How’d you find me?” You asked as he placed you back down.
“You didn’t make it easy.” Wrecker griped. “We always seemed to be two steps behind you.”
“I haven’t exactly been hiding though.” You disputed as you pointed to a discarded wanted poster on the ground beside you.
“Between the Imperials and dead end leads and your rather annoying ability to hide in plain sight, it was tough. We got a lucky break with a guy whose brother owned another pawn shop here. Saw the results of a fight and figured we’d finally caught up with you.” Hunter explained as he came to stand in front of you and took his helmet from his brother.
You gulped. You’d be careful to make sure the people you’d gone after had no one they’d be leaving behind. You didn’t realise you’d messed up with that this time. “He- he had a brother?”
Hunter tilted his head at the unusually emotive response. “Apparently but I’m assuming you had a good reason for ending it the way you did.”
You coughed. “Yeah, totally.” You straightened your back and changed the subject. “Where’s Echo?”
“Using his contact to try to get more intel on Hemlock. We still don’t know where he’s holding Omega.” Hunter kicked the ground. “Don’t suppose you have anything?”
“I wish I did but everything I gathered was either old or what we knew already. He’s good at laying low.” You seethed.
“We’ll get him, though. We have too.” Wrecker stated firmly.
“How soon can you leave?” Hunter asked.
“Um, well-” You cut yourself off as your sight drifted past Hunter’s shoulder to the end of the alley at the lone trooper that had a blaster pointed at Hunter’s back.
“Watch out!” You yelled as you pushed Hunter out the way of the incoming blaster bolt. You drew your blaster and fired a shot that landed in the centre of the trooper’s chest, and he dropped to the ground. But you knew, where there was one stormtrooper, there would be at least five more behind them.
“We need to move out.” Hunter urged as he got back to his feet and put his helmet on. “A firefight will draw too much attention.”
“No time.” You stated simply as you pulled your hood and mask back up.
“We’ve got more incoming!” Wrecker confirmed as he lowered his helmet and opened fire on the small squad of troopers that had arrived.
The three of you took cover behind a skip, only firing defensive shots back. You needed to draw the soldiers closer before going on the offensive.
When they had gotten close enough, Hunter threw a smoke bomb, the action allowing the three of you to advance and take out the troopers one shot at a time.
As the firefight continued, however, you began to feel unsteady on your feet and your movements felt unbalanced. Your tingling limbs ensured that your aim was skewed too. All that, combined with the wetness you felt pooling from your stomach meant the trooper had better aim than you credited them for- you’d been hit. You couldn’t afford to think about what this meant, right now, you needed to get outta here.
But you’d been distracted long enough for one downed soldier you’d dismissed as being a threat to come around and jab their blaster against your knee. You grunted with the impact but turned your blaster on him and he lay limp on the ground.
Hunter and Wrecker tidied off the few retreating stragglers. They could deal with this small group but anything more would prove difficult.
With the last trooper taken care of, you braced yourself against the wet wall. The fading adrenaline in your system now being replaced by agony and you ripped your mask down and took deep but laboured breaths.
“Their reinforcements won’t be long. We made a bit of noise.” Wrecker said as he holstered his blaster.
But Hunter wasn’t paying attention to what Wrecker was saying. His gaze was fixed on you and the way you were struggling to hold yourself up against the wall. “(Y/N), what-” He stopped as he saw the crimson drops that mixed with the rainwater drip from the hand pressed to your stomach onto the ground. No, no, no. He thought to himself. This couldn’t be happening. He couldn’t lose you when he’d only just found you again.
Your knees buckled and you fell to the ground, Hunter catching your shoulder was the only reason you were able to stay sitting up but without the distraction of the fight, the pain was overwhelming. Black spots danced in the corners of your vision, but you couldn’t succumb to them, not now. Not after all this. You tried to lift your head to speak but all that left your mouth was a tortured groan.
As collected as he wanted to be to deal with this, he couldn’t totally keep his panic at bay. His hands trembled as he attempted to get you to look at him. He delicately brushed some loose strands of hair from your face. “Sshh, I’ve got you.” He whispered tenderly, fighting to keep the worry out of his voice. What made it all the worse was that he knew this wound didn’t occur through the fight they’d just seen out, you’d been hurt shoving him out the way of that first shot that drew the rest of the stormtroopers in.
How could he have allowed this to happen? What good were his enhanced senses if he couldn’t protect the people he loved. You shouldn’t have needed to push him out the way of that blaster bolt, he should’ve known the trooper was there and now you were paying the price for his mistake.
“What can we do?” Wrecker asked quickly.
You winced and tried for words again. “Medical centres are a no. Where’s- where’s the ship?”
“Landing bay 6.” Wrecker replied.
You inhaled sharply. Your current state made things all too easy for the Imperials to catch you making your way there. “Too far. We- we gotta get to my place. She- she might kill me but- argh!” You broke off with a cry of pain as you reached a hand up to Hunter. “But it’s safe there and- and she’ll know what to do.”
“Hold on.” Hunter rasped as he took a grip of your forearm and signalled to Wrecker to keep an eye out as he pulled you to your feet.
You pressed your hand into your side with a pained gasp as Hunter put his arm around you and supported most of your weight and the three of you got on the move.
--
“This is it?” Wrecker asked- his scepticism evident despite the pressing matter at hand- as he stared at the condemned building.
“All the regular penthouses were taken.” You kidded before you swayed on your feet as a wave of dizziness struck.
“Woah, easy.” Hunter cautioned as he strengthened his grip.
“Second floor.” You hissed. “And mind the fourth step on the second staircase. Half of it is missing.”
“It can never just be simple.” Hunter grumbled anxiously as Wrecker opened the decrepit door to the building.
“Would it really be a reunion if everything went well?” You joked deliriously.
“Right now, yes I would definitely prefer it.” Hunter fretted as he saw your head dip. You were losing the battle of staying conscious with each passing second. The next time it happened, he wasn’t sure you would be able to lift your head again.
--
Lyra had barely any time to process the familiar people standing in her doorway as she answered the pounding knock. All she could do was stare at you, half collapsed against Hunter’s side, your hand cradling your stomach, and then her eyes caught sight of the trail of blood that had followed your path up. “What-”
“Hey, girl. Remember- remember how I promised I wouldn’t put you through something like this again? Turns out, I shouldn’t- shouldn’t have done that.” You said through gritted teeth before you stumbled as you tried to take a step forward, prompting Hunter to lift you up.
“Please.” The hoarse plea was all Hunter managed to say.
“Lay her here.” Lyra quickly stepped aside to let the three of you in and pointed to the couch.
Hunter hustled inside and delicately placed you on the worn soft. He took off his helmet and kneeled by your head and stroked your hair back from your forehead. “You’re going to be alright. You need to hold on for me, okay? I’m not losing you again.” He whispered against your temple before he left a light kiss on your brow.
“Good news, it’s not as bad as last time.” Lyra said as she examined the wound before getting up to go gather the medical supplies.
“The bar is rather low on that front, Lyra.” You moaned.
“Last time?” Hunter found himself asking as he tore his stare from your bloody injury to Lyra.
Lyra didn’t respond, she was too busy staring at the depleted supply of medical care. She took a deep breath and braced her hands against the countertop. “(Y/N)… what happened to the bacta?”
Seemingly forgetting that you were currently in severe pain and bleeding out, you went to prop yourself up but Hunter’s hand gently pushing against your shoulder stopped you. “Hey.” You protested wearily.
“You can answer the question like that.” Hunter chastised.
“The bacta?” Lyra pressed as she rifled through the other cupboards in case it had somehow been misplaced.
No, not yet. You told yourself as the black dots returned. You blinked them away and took a strained breath before you answered. “I- I may have given it away…”
“You-” Lyra had to take a deep, calming breath and pinched the bridge of her nose. “You gave it away? What in all the galaxy would possess you to do that?”
“Well, I saw someone in need and decided-” You broke off with another pained wince. “Decided to finally be a good citizen.”
Lyra released an exasperated sigh. “Do I need to remind you of your track record? You need bacta like the rest of us need water.”
“In my defence, I wasn’t planning on needing it anymore. This- this time really wasn’t my fault.”
“I quite frankly don’t give a fuck! You can’t just-”
“Can we do this later?” Hunter interrupted as he saw your face contort in discomfort. “Preferably when she’s able to hold a conversation without convulsing in pain?”
“I can run back to our ship and get some.” Wrecker offered as he lifted his helmet.
“Go.” Hunter said with a nod, but Lyra held out a hand to stop the bigger clone from going.
“She doesn’t have that kinda time. I can cauterise it the old-fashioned way, but it’ll just hurt like hell.” Lyra said with a grimace.
“That’s fine because I don’t think I’m going to be conscious for much longer.” The darkness encroaching on your vision was all too tempting and you were completely exhausted.
“No, you stay awake.” Lyra ordered sternly.
Hunter and Wrecker turned their attention sharply to you.
“Come on, (Y/N). You gotta hang in there.” Wrecker urged as he reached over the back of the couch and placed a large hand on your shoulder.
“Sweetheart, keep your eyes on me.” Hunter begged as he saw them flicker open and shut but it was a battle that he knew you were going to lose.
You wanted to; you really did but you just couldn’t. You shut your eyes and embraced the peace of the darkness.
 “Hunter, she’s still breathing right?” Lyra asked as she picked up the last few things she needed.
“Shallowly but yes.” Hunter said with a thankful sigh.
“That’s good enough.” Lyra ran back to the couch and began to start to process of stabilising you.
--
You were in a dim corridor. The only light seemed to at the end of the long passageway. You made to walk towards it, hoping it would show you a way out but as you walked, it seemed to move away from you. You broke into a run but the distance between you and the light only grew. You paused your run as you thought about what this could mean. It was then though that a voice spoke up and a figure appeared next to you.
You won’t get to it.
You faced the figure. It almost sounded and looked like you but there was something off about it. There was a yellow shimmer in the eyes and the face was gaunt and mean-looking, with lips that seemed to be in a permanent sneer. The voice carried a cruel, sinister overtone that made your blood run cold and the hair on the back of your neck stand up.
It’ll keep staying away from you.
But why? You studied whatever it was before you as they circled you. When it walked, it was cast in constant shadow.
You think after all you’ve done; you can have that light back? You think you deserve it?
Before you could form a reply, your attention was drawn to a scene unfolding to your right.
Aww this was your first failure. But it brought me to the surface, so I remain pretty grateful.
Your breath caught in your throat as you recognised the moment. You saw your master completely surrounded by battle droids, taking hit after hit. And you saw yourself as a Jedi Knight sprinting to reach him. You went to turn away, but a strong hand grabbed the back of your neck, forcing you to keep looking.
There’s you. Being too late to save him. Do you remember the last words you said to him?
You did and they were words you had regretted ever since.
‘Stubborn, foolish, out of touch, old timer whose only purpose was to be a pawn for the orders of the Jedi Council’ I believe they were.
Stop it.
He died knowing you failed him.
You squeezed your eyes shut as you heard the final shot that sent your master crumbling to the ground.
You got a taste for it then.
Despite the fact you wanted to refuse, you found yourself opening your eyes to seeing yourself utterly decimate the remaining droids by your master’s dead body. You saw the merciless gleam in your eyes and the callous smile that graced your face as you destroyed them. You had enjoyed that. The scene finished with you repeatedly bringing your lightsaber down on the final droid, the blue blade moving in unrestrained fury. Why did you show me that? You asked bleakly.
But the darkness didn’t give you a proper answer. It only pushed an icy finger on your lips. Pay attention, we’re not done yet. It took you a while to accept that this was always in you. You worked on shutting me out. You managed for a while… but then she left.
You wanted nothing more than to leave this place and this darkness before you, but all control had been taken from your body. Your feet began moving of their own accord and you were directed to another moment on your left this time. You were stopped and the hand took a harsh grip of your neck again. You were forced to watch Ahsoka walk out the Council Chamber doors, with Anakin following her and then you viewed yourself in horror as you saw the rage written across your face and heard the venom in your words as you yelled at the Council. Had you really been that uncontrolled? That angry?
Even though you finally left those uptight pricks, you still insisted on keeping me hidden though. Rather irritating I must say. I wondered what it would take for you to accept me. And then he came into your life.
You were pushed along the hall again to the next part which was replaying your first interaction with Hunter and your chest felt tight. Leave him out of this.
Oh, but he’s the best part. Your figure taunted nastily.
The scene switched and were now being greeted with flashes of your intimate moments with Hunter. Enough.
The only reply came in the form was an unkind laugh.
Giving into that lust felt good, didn’t it? The possessiveness, the selfishness that came with having someone just for you was too enticing to pass up.
No, that wasn’t what it was at all. Stop.
You liked the feeling of knowing you could use that attachment to excuse any darker actions. You would be doing it for him, so it made it okay. It wasn’t love for him you were feeling, it was a love for the freedom to channel me that you craved. He was merely a convenient vessel.
No, you’re wrong! You insisted but your voice lacked conviction, everything was getting so twisted that you were now doubting the feelings you thought you never would.
The darkness just gave you a pitying look. Just keep watching and you’ll see I’m right.
So, you did. You were shoved further up the corridor to see you and the Batch together. Memories that you once would’ve looked back on in fondness were now tainted by pain and disappointment that you’d dragged them into your mess. The darkness took no notice of your distress, it just continued talking.  
Much to my delight, you grew to care for all of that group. I knew that attachment would lead to something marvellous for us and then it finally happened.
You moved along to the next scene and your breathing grew uneven as the image of Eriadu appeared. You couldn’t bear seeing this again but once more, you were left with no choice but to hear Tech say that dreaded plan and watch him fall to his death.
Of course, he was another one you were too slow to save but-
You wouldn’t hear this. No, we didn’t have the time. There was nothing I could’ve done. What happened was-
Oh, I know you tried telling yourself that, but my very existence tells me that you know if you’d allowed me in earlier, the situation itself wouldn’t have happened. You’d have killed Gerrera before he even had a chance to set those explosives off.
No, you’re wrong. You said through a shaken whisper, but you didn’t believe the words you were saying anymore.
Although I must say, I’m glad you didn’t quite give in then since I am rather pleased with how it all turned out. His death was the catalyst to a glorious chain of events. So much loss and broken trust. Finally, you had the reason to welcome me without restraint or regret.
You felt your anger rise as the voice kept talking whilst the scene changed from his death to Cid’s betrayal and Omega being captured and you being separated from Hunter. Nothing about that had been a blessing. It couldn’t have been. Shut up. You snarled. But the figure only smugly beamed.
There it is. There’s that power. You can deny it all you want but that was the best thing that happened to you. You let me in and from that point on, nothing stopped you getting what you wanted. And it felt divine. You know it did. Look at how formidable you are with me being a part of things.
You were dragged along the hall and all that appeared around you were the people in the galaxy you’d threatened, brutalised, and murdered. You had no other option but to watch and hear their tortured pleas and screams. You didn’t need the darkness to talk you through these this time, you recalled very clearly that during all of this, you’d felt not one bit of remorse. You’d thought they deserved it. You’d fallen so far, and a way back now seemed impossible.  
The darkness commented on a particular time where you were torturing a woman who’d been very difficult to track and get information from. Even when you did find her, she’d been loyal to the Empire, insisting you should’ve died with the rest of the Jedi traitors. You’d responded by cracking the individual bones in her fingers and hands before moving up to the bones in her arm. You’d broken her right clavicle before she’d finally told you what you needed to know. I particularly liked this moment. Do you remember how she couldn’t stand afterwards? All she could do was writhe on the floor in agony. Quite a humorous sight.
You remembered them all and it made you feel sick to your stomach now as you watched the endless stream of tormented and pained faces of people you had tortured and killed in your quest for information.
The last scene disappeared and despite the fact you had been walking along the corridor that whole time, the light had still remained far out of reach.
See? No matter how far you go, you’ll never reach that light. Why bother searching for it anymore? You know you’re better off alone. All you need is this power and you’ll be unstoppable. But since I know some part of you still cares for your clones, don’t trouble them with this. It’s not something that can be shared or fixed.  
The figure faded and you collapsed to your knees in defeat. You had succumbed to that darkness and hurt and killed too many people. You’d crossed that line, and you weren’t sure there was a way back for you and you wouldn’t take Hunter down with you. Or Wrecker and Echo. They deserved a chance to rescue Omega and set things right, and if being with Hunter meant that chance would be at risk, you wouldn’t take that from them. Even if it would kill you, it would be the last thing you did to protect your family. ‘No attachments. There is no emotion, there is peace.’ You had to finally listen to that part of the Jedi Code that you had fought against for years and… and you would let them go.
--
Once it seemed things were more under control, Wrecker broke the quiet. “I’m going to go keep watch.” He said before walking out.
There were a few minutes of silence, the only noise being the quiet hiss of Lyra sealing shut your injury now that she’d cleaned it.
“Didn’t know you had this skill set.” Hunter said into the quiet as he watched Lyra.
“I tell myself it’s not so different from stitching and making clothes. Plus, she kinda made it that I had to learn quick. There were just some things she couldn’t handle on her own.”
There was a dip in conversation again.
“I was sorry to hear about your kid... and Tech.” Lyra said quietly as she worked on you. She placed a bandage over your now closed injury and started to put away the medical supplies.
The mention of his brother’s name had him stiffening his posture. “Yeah, well, we’re going to find her.”
Lyra nodded understandingly before she indicated to you. “She’s been non-stop since Ord Mantell. She wouldn’t rest until she found you. Didn’t matter how dangerous things got, she wouldn’t stop.”
Hunter continued to stroke your brow. “She’s not the only one.”
“I almost wished she would. I thought the search was going to kill her. Especially after what happened last time.”
This wasn’t the first time she’d mentioned this now. And from the dynamic between the two of you since arriving here, he figured there was key subtext he was missing. He glanced over to Lyra. “What are you talking about?”
Lyra took a short breath. “It was a few weeks ago. She-” Lyra stopped as she heard you let out a soft groan.
“Hey you.” Hunter said softly as you slowly opened your eyes. “How are you feeling?”
You didn’t answer him. Whatever soreness you were experiencing wouldn’t come close to the misery your next course of action would cause you. “Thank you. Again.” You said to Lyra instead.
Lyra nodded. “I’ll go keep Wrecker company.” She said before grabbing her sniper rifle and making her exit.
Hunter brought his focus back to you and provided a supportive hand on your back as you sat up. “Take as long as you need. I figured once you’re feeling more up to it, you can say your goodbyes and leave with us. After-”
“You have to go.”
“Yes, I know…” Hunter said, tilting his head at you. “But you need a bit of time and-”
“No, you need to leave without me.”
Without you? No, you couldn’t mean that. “What’s-” He stopped for a moment to try and recover from the confusion your statement caused him. “What’s changed between that alleyway and now?”
You knew he wasn’t going to make this easy but every minute you had to do this was tearing you apart. “Everything has. The Empire knows what I am. It’ll add unnecessary heat.”
“We’ll cope.”
You swallowed harshly and grimaced as you readjusted your sitting position. “It’s not just that. Things changed when we got separated. I changed.”
“That doesn’t scare me.”
“It should. All I’ve done…” You trailed off and gulped. “I’m not who I used to be.”
 “I’ve done things I’m not proud of too. But we can-”
 “Hunter, I don’t belong with you anymore.”
Hunter couldn’t accept that. “You’re one of us. You always have been. Since the first moment you stepped in front of those droids on Devaron, you were one of us. I don’t understand why-”
“There’s someone else.” You blurted out and fuck you hated yourself for it. You knew by the way he recoiled from you and from deep hurt and betrayal that flashed across his face, you would’ve been better off hitting him. You knew you had to hurt him. Even if he left hating you, you could find a way to let him go. But you hated that you had to do it.
“There’s someone else.” Hunter repeated quietly, his throat bobbing as he kept his voice tight.
You had to push it. It was the only way, but it felt like your heart was being ripped out of your chest as you said the next words. You forced yourself to keep your voice cold and level. “I’ve moved on. I only needed to know that you were alive. And now I do. You can go now. Just leave and don’t think about me again. It’ll save us all a lot of bother.” You couldn’t face the wounded look in his eyes and you turned your own away from him and had to blink away the tears that threatened to fall.
Hunter clenched his jaw and swallowed thickly. “Look me in the eye and tell me that again.” He implored.
He knew you too well. You wouldn’t do it. If you did, he would know you were lying. So, you opted for something worse- you would manipulate his heart. “If any part of you still cares about me, you will go. That’s all I want now. I need you to leave. You’ll only be hurting me more if you stay.” You said firmly as you faced him again.
You sounded so sure, and even if he thought he could see something in your eyes that took the conviction out of your words, he’d never want to cause you pain, he wouldn’t be able to stand it. Better him be the one to take the hurt, no matter how unnatural it felt, no matter how much every fibre of his being yearned to stay by your side and work this out. So, Hunter got to his feet and walked over to the door. “Every part of me still cares about you.” He murmured back to you before the door opened and he walked out. He was walking out on you- something he thought he’d never do- and it left him feeling like he had a gaping hole in his chest.
--
As you heard the door shut, a broken sob left your lips and you let the tears fall.
--
“Where is she?” Lyra asked as Hunter came out from the door behind them.
“Keep her alive.” Hunter said numbly to Lyra before he walked away.
“Hunter-” Lyra started to say but the clone wasn’t stopping.
“Eh, well, I guess it was nice to see you.” Wrecker said hurriedly before he darted after his brother.
“Bye.” Lyra said with confusion as she watched the two clones go. She turned to go back inside and hopefully knock some sense into you.
--
You’d managed to drag yourself into the sanctity of your room, but the isolation wasn’t helping things. The regret you were feeling was overwhelming but what was done was done. You needed to stand by your choice, it was what was best for them, you just needed to learn how to cope. You needed something, anything, to distract your brain from the self-doubt running rampant in your head so, staying mindful of your wound, you tentatively sat back on your bed and closed your eyes, drowned out the pouring rain smacking against the glass, and found your centre again.
Not to your surprise, you were only surrounded by darkness. You’d let the last light in your life go, there was nothing left for you now.
Spark.
Not that voice. Not again, you couldn’t handle that. “No, I’m not doing this.”
Yes, you are. You need to listen to me, Spark.
You sighed and saw the figure of your old master appear in the vast space before you. “So, either I somehow took a turn and I’m dead or I’m hallucinating.”
Your master simply chuckled. Must it always be extremes with you?
“You taught me what I know, you tell me.”
Well, based off your past choices, I would say you’ve forgotten much of what I taught you.
“This is why you’re in my head? To lecture me about my choices? Yes, I broke the code, big whoop. I never liked it anyway. And now I’ve given into the dark side, sorry to have disappointed you.” You grumbled as you looked down at your feet.
He sighed. It hurt him to see you look so defeated, this wasn’t the young Jedi he’d raised. Evidently, you were going to need more help than he expected. This isn’t some meditative trick. I’ve always been with you, Spark, and now I’m with you because you need help. You’ve strayed from your path, and you need guidance.
“You’re a few months too late, Master.” The title came back into your vocabulary so naturally, you’d nearly missed the fact that you’d reverted back to your student/teacher dynamic so quickly.
That defeat you’re feeling is exactly why I’m here now. This dark side you seem to think is your destiny is not decided, but if you continue to stand by the decision that you just made, it will be. There’s a chance for you, Spark, don’t throw it away.
You couldn’t bring yourself to believe him. “If you’ve truly been around for all of this, you’ll know what I’ve done. You’ve seen what I’ve become. I wasn’t as strong I thought I was.”
You haven’t fallen yet. He reiterated. What you’ve gone through would wreck most people, the fact that you’ve only strayed from the light now is a credit to you. But this choice you’ve made to let them go is what will seal your fate.
“What are you talking about? I was on this path long before what happened on Ord Mantell. I saw it!” You said, your voice rising in frustration and distress. Why was everyone around you so insistent that you could heal from this? You’d shown your true colours years ago, you were only doing what you were obviously meant for.
He raised his hands to calm you. Spark, listen to me. You’re not-
“I had to let him go! I had to let them all go! You should be glad, Master! I’m finally following the teaching you worked so hard on getting through to me!” Your breathing grew more uneven and the word that left your mouth were filled with self-loathing, but you couldn’t stop them. “I’m damaged goods, I have been from the beginning, and I couldn’t bring him down with me! I couldn’t bring any of them down with me!” You felt tears slide down your cheeks as the emotion you had been trying to hard to push down came crashing to the surface.
And is letting attachments go part of the Jedi or Sith philosophy? He asked gently.
His genteel manner caught you off guard. You huffed out a quick breath. “Why does that matter?”
Answer the question, please.
You released an agitated sigh. “Jedi, I guess but-”
And let me ask you this, you said you saw what you’ve done? How?
You regained some composure. “I don’t know how to describe what it was I saw, but whatever it was took me down a lovely stroll through memory lane and I saw what I was. There’s no denying it now.”
It was starting to make sense to him now and with this new understanding, he finally knew the best way to help you. Yes, the dark side can be very manipulative that way. Especially when it knows there’s been pain plenty of pain and sorrow. It preys upon that and I’m just sorry it got to you before I could.
“What are you talking about?”  
What you saw, it wasn’t the whole truth.
Not the whole truth? “What do you mean?”
He looked at you with intrigue. What do you think I mean?
You inhaled deeply to find some patience. “Master, please. I’m not your padawan anymore.”
He bowed his head in acknowledgement. You’ll always be my padawan, Spark. But I understand this may not be the best time for one of my lessons.
Despite everything, the nostalgia his teaching persona brought you had you humming out a quiet laugh. “I guess working together on whatever cryptic lesson you’re going to impart on me will be fine, for old times sake if nothing else. Just don’t leave it all to me. I’m not clear-headed enough to do all the thinking.”
He nodded and smiled knowingly at you. It will be less cryptic that the lessons I used to give you. Let us begin.
You knew that gleam in his eye and you forgot that no matter how agitated or frustrated you’d been growing up as his pupil, he’d always found a way to put you at ease and you’d been more open to learning again. Even dead, he still seemed to possess that ability. And it was because of that, you found yourself getting ready to welcome whatever wisdom he felt could get you out of this hell you’d put yourself in.
Now, I understand that you are feeling a lot of guilt and self-loathing, correct?
Feeling it? You felt like you were drowning in it.
And you have convinced yourself that your clones, particularly… Hunter, isn’t it? He waited for your nod before continuing, are better off without you because you’ve done too much. Stepped over that line one too many times? A lost cause, yes?
“I guess you could say that.” You mumbled.
He hummed in thought before he spoke again. You mentioned something about you were this way from the beginning. Can you tell me to which beginning you are referring to?
You inhaled shakily. “I- I saw you die again. I watched myself destroy the rest of those droids in undisciplined rage and- and I was reminded of what I’d said to you.”
Ah yes, that was quite the day. Rather humiliating on my part, I must say. I should’ve just listened to you from the start. My we exchanged some choice words. He ruminated with a small chuckle.
You remembered him having a rather dry sense of humour, but this just seemed absurd. You’re laughing about this?! I was awful to you! I saw you die and all I could do was wreak havoc on a group of droids and I enjoyed it! I held your dead body in my arms and the last thing I had done was insult you and forget everything you’d taught me for some fucking battle droids!”
He held up his hands to appease you. You’re right, I shouldn’t have laughed but that wasn’t quite how it went.
You furrowed your brow. “What? I saw it! I remember it pretty clearly, even without the reminder. I’m haunted by it and you’re telling me that wasn’t what happened?!”
He shook his head. Not quite. Remember, the dark side has a remarkable ability to alter events to fit its needs. It only picks out the moments necessary to draw out those darker emotions. What you saw was true, from a certain point of view, but it didn’t show you everything.
“Then what am I missing?” You asked, desperation in your voice because if there was anything that could help ease the ache from that day, you needed it.
I wasn’t dead when I hit the ground. Fret not, no amount of medical attention would’ve saved me. He interjected hastily as he saw the panic that graced your face. Although the sadder truth is I did in fact die in your arms but… He angled his head to catch your eye again as you had shied away from him upon hearing that. He started again, but your last words to me were not fuelled by irritation or cruelty, you apologised for what you said as well as how you handled those droids. You told me that I was the best teacher you’d ever had, and you promised you would continue to work on what I taught you and to make me proud. That was the last thing you said to me before I passed on. And I can honestly say, Spark, that you kept your promise, despite how it might seem currently.
You went to speak but found that you didn’t have the words. All these years spent being tormented by a memory that in fact had another side to it, could that be right? Seeing it again had made it seem all the more true but there was nothing but sincerity in his face and voice as he told you this. He wasn’t looking to feed you a false narrative, there was no vindictiveness in his tone.
You don’t have to believe me immediately, I know things have been tough but we’re going to go through this and I’m going to help you see the truth, okay? He said tenderly.
You could only nod.
Okay. He straightened up. I’m going to make an educated guess and say that if that incident was the starting point, the next situation would’ve been that unfortunate time with Ahsoka and the Jedi Council and also the day you decided to leave?
You gulped and found your voice again. “Um, yeah.”
And I expect you were shown yourself in an untamed rage with little concern over the words you used?
You gave a stiff nod of your head.
Uh huh, well, once again, you were shown a manipulated memory created from shame. You were unhappy, and I can’t say I blame you, they really fucked that up if you pardon the phrase.
You couldn’t help but snort at his gentlemanly manner and you were reminded of the many telling offs for language you’d received growing up.
And while you were disappointed in them and frustrated, you never lost control of yourself. Your voice was raised but level. You were clear in your points, and you never said anything untoward save for some unsavoury language sprinkled in. He watched you impart the familiar eye roll as he said that last statement, but he took that as a positive sign. Your attachment to Ahsoka didn’t cloud your judgment, your decision to leave was made with a steady heart and a focused head. And I watched you do it and I knew it was the best decision for you. It did set things in motion, but they were good things for you, Spark, and it’s important that you realise that again. He looked at you earnestly.
You held his gaze, and, in his eyes, you saw the master that had been with you through thick and thin. The master that had put up with your questions and doubts about the Jedi Order that the Jedi Council could hardly tolerate. You saw the master that had mentored you and fought by your side for years. He was one of the people that had known you best. He wouldn’t lie to you, and you felt your heart opening up to what he was saying to you.
Shall we continue? He asked after giving you a minute to process.
You shook your shoulders and exhaled heavily before you looked at him and give him a single, firm nod.
--
He had taken you through various events bit by bit. Pointing out that elements that demonstrated you were still being pulled towards the light. Things like you would’ve either left or killed Lyra the second she’d gotten you out of Ord Mantell and her use was over. Things like you wouldn’t have offered so many opportunities for people to talk to you before you injured or killed them, you would have hurt them first and asked questions later- killing and pain had never been your first port of call. And any firefight that ensued, when possible, you made sure you remained the primary target and civilians would be out of harms way.
Concern for others and worry about the consequences of your actions… Sith and dark side users tend not to feel or allow for these things. He surmised.
Even if what he was revealing to you was the whole picture, there was still the pressing matter of how you’d been in the recent months. “But Eriadu and everything that followed after… I let something in, what was it if not the dark side?”
He gave you a sympathetic smile. You had never experienced loss and betrayal in such quick succession before. What you let in was the anger and anguish you were feeling which you weren’t trained to handle properly. The more you went on, the more those emotions twisted your brain which allowed the darkness to creep in and make it more effortless to act on said emotions. It was easier for you to get what you needed with your emotions being what they were, and you didn’t have to think about who was getting hurt. You got a rather bad case of tunnel vision- you were doing bad things for good reasons, but they were not senseless acts of violence.
“But I have done so many bad things.” You said with self-directed disgust.
Yes, but what you can do now is work towards finding that line again. To finding that control you had in the past. You’ve been on that path since this morning, the self-awareness of what you’ve been doing wasn’t present in the months before today. However, you cannot get back to that place alone anymore, you’ve changed since you left the Order and most of it was for the better, but more attachment means more support. You will not be able to find that balance if you let your family go. He said with a sense of urgency. He needed you to grasp what he was telling you, no matter how unnatural it might feel.
Your pulse quickened. Surely, he wasn’t suggesting what you thought he was? “What are you saying, Master?”
Do you know where your nickname originated?
Confused as you why this was suddenly relevant, you angled your head at him. “I always figured it was because word spread that I made my lightsaber slightly wrong the first time and nearly set it on fire when I first ignited it.”
He chortled. That acted more as a visual aid and a helpful addition to the true origin.
“Then where did it come from?”
He took a deep breath. In the weeks leading up to the time for us to choose a youngling to take under our wing, you caught my eye from the start. It wasn’t just your natural ability with a lightsaber or your quick grasp of the Force, it was how you interacted with the people around you. During the trials, you had a heightened care for how the others were performing and you aided them whenever you could without a second thought. It made you more focused, more effective. You were unique from your peers in that sense and in a way that I’d never seen before, and I knew I had to get to know you more to understand what it was I was picking up on.
“Yeah, I remember. I’d never expected someone to choose me so eagerly, especially since my disciplinary record was far from perfect, even at that age.” Youreminisced with a sigh.
Yes, my fellow Jedi were surprised at my decision, but there was just something within you I had to see for myself. As we got to understand each other and I could officially begin your training, I watched you continue to demonstrate this quality and I could feel it residing in the Force within you. You had this spark, this fire that drove you which would worry even the most disciplined Jedi Masters but with you, it was as much a part of you as the Force was with the rest of us. You were completely at peace with it, and it was something you probably didn’t realise was so rare. You could feel attachment without rejecting the light side of the Force to do so.
So, the name made a bit more sense after all these years, but you still couldn’t see why this was being brought up. “Okay…”
He could tell you were still hesitant to all this. Do you know which General had the most victories with the fewest casualty numbers? Quite a feat to have during war time I might add.
You huffed a heavy breath from your lips. “I have no idea. The war was such a mess and there were so many of us that it was hard to keep up with the results of each battle.”
Fair point. He conceded, but that doesn’t change the answer which is that it was you.
You were taken aback for a moment before you thought back to that period and part of it did make sense. Many of your strategies had seen you take on the most dangerous elements for the sake of the clones in your battalion despite protests from them, your master and pretty much everyone that was involved, but all that mattered to you was that they worked, and you did what you could to protect everyone else.
He knew you enough to recognise that face and he figured whatever it was you were thinking about would relate to his next question. And which General had the most visits to the medical wing? Another impressive award. He added with a hint of disapproval, his mask of control slipping slightly as he frowned at the memories of the countless notifications he’d receive of your admittance to the healing wards of the Jedi Temple.
You cringed as you remembered the fact you had been on a first name basis with all the medical personnel. “I did.”
He nodded. Attachments didn’t bring you down, they lifted you up. Their most negative consequence in that period seemed to be the recklessness they gave you- and my hair greying faster than I would’ve liked. He couldn’t help but say before he continued, but they didn’t unbalance you like they did most of us. And it is on that point my dear Spark, that I failed you.
“Failed me?” In what galaxy could he have possibly failed you when you were the one that had forgone all you stood for and was one slip away from total self-destruction.
When it became clear to me that this was indeed one of your best qualities and strengths, I was thrilled! It presented a challenge for me as you Master that I was looking forward to exploring! Your emotional attachment to people and causes was one I wanted to teach you to manage, not forbid. Your love and care didn’t make you more susceptible to the dark side and its dangers, it drew you closer to the light. That fire that burns within you isn’t a threat, it’s your way to become something greater. But the Council… He trailed off with a regretful sigh. They rejected my proposal that I mentor you in this way. So instead, as you got older, I worked on forcing you to dampen that flame within you but- He stopped for a moment and chuckled wryly. As you may remember, that was when the root of our conflicts started. Foolishly and rather selfishly-and this is an example of how even those of us that followed the Jedi Code to the letter slip from time to time- you passing your trials into Knighthood gave me profound relief. Not only did it mean I could see you become the Jedi you were always meant to be, but it meant my duty as your teacher was over and I could stop doing something I was against. But I shied away too much and stopped teaching you altogether, had I just been less of a ‘pawn of the Council’ as you quite rightly put it, what you’re experiencing now could have been avoided.
You took a moment to let his words sink in, but you wouldn’t let him blame himself for how you’d behaved in recent times. “I still made the choices to hurt those people, Master. You’re not responsible for my actions.”
Perhaps not, but I could’ve done more to make sure you were better equipped to deal with the loss attachment could bring rather than just tell you to stop feeling it altogether. Not that you listened to that anyway. He added with a slight grin.
You allowed yourself half a smile at that before his face turned sombre again.
But I should’ve stood up for you and for that I’m sorry.
You bowed your head in acceptance of his apology. “But what does all of what we’ve talked about have to do with where I am now?”
Everything I’ve shown you, everything you’ve felt in these recent months illustrates someone who had to cope with a tremendous amount of grief when they had been told their whole life to not feel or get attached. Even with your strength and abilities, Spark, that was a big ask, your actions, and the internal conflict you’re going through is an understandable outcome. But even in dealing with that struggle, you were never purely evil or sought to abandon your Jedi teachings. The only time I grew truly worried before now was whatever you did a few weeks ago. Even I couldn’t see you; it was like the very light around you was getting snuffed out. Care to tell me what you did?
You shook your head adamantly.  
Very well. As I was saying, all you’ve learned, all you’ve done and means you can heal from this. You are not a lost cause, not a source of darkness and despair. You are good at heart, Spark!
But Master, I-
No, don’t talk yourself out of this. Really think about what I’m telling you. You never abandoned Lyra, you did your best to ensure no civilian would be caught up in your fights, you offered chances to those people before you hurt them. And you were able to sense Hunter and Wrecker arrive. That source of light wouldn’t have shown itself if you were too far down that dark path.
Maybe so but-
He wouldn’t let you second guess yourself anymore. And when you realised that they were indeed on this planet… what did you do first?
You pondered for a moment before you remembered. I helped those sisters.
And when you found one another, you felt alive and hopeful again but because you’d been lost and confused for so long, it got manipulated into that guilt and regret and hurt you are experiencing right now that has left you exposed to this darkness. But before that, you were ready to free yourself of it, whether you truly realised it or not.
“Right…” You said distantly as you were slowly starting to understand what revelation he was guiding you towards.
I can see you working it out, you’re almost there. He encouraged.
Each lesson and aspect of this entire conversation began to click into place. “So, you’re saying that Hunter’s my light? He’s my way out of this?” You uttered quietly.
Isn’t he? He challenged with a supportive smile. And I believe he too made that fact very clear before you sent him away.
“I thought that was what I was supposed to do.” You said in dismay as your mind finally began to listen to what your Master had been telling you and you gained some proper clarity. What had you done?
He looked at you fondly. You were always a bad student when it came to applying and learning the history of our Code, it would fit that the first time you apply the philosophy to your life would be the poorer choice. They never unbalanced you, Spark. At the very least, they’re your way of staying true to the light side and your dark side knew that, hence it’s enthusiastic efforts to turn you.
You hid you head in your hands in embarrassment. You wouldn’t know a right decision if it smacked you in the face.  
Oh, and with regards to Cid and Hemlock, I leave that side of things entirely up to you, with your family by your side, I know punishing them however you like won’t ruin you.
“Thanks, Master.” You replied, a smile in your voice.
Not every Jedi gets the chance at a family, Spark, don’t throw it away now.
You glanced up in time to see him fade away but what was around you wasn’t pure darkness anymore; rays of light had broken into the gloomy space, with more fighting to get through.
--
You opened your eyes sharply and wiped away the damp residue of the tears that had escaped your eyes from your cheeks. He was right, they were the light in your life, and you’d been so stupid to let them go.
Ignoring the lingering pain of your injury, you hastily got to your feet, grabbed a couple bags of credits, and left your room only to be greeted by the disappointed and unhappy face of Lyra. “Hey, I was just-”
“You need to go after them. I’m sorry but I’m drawing the line here. I have not watched you put yourself through hell and risk your life month after month to find your family again only for you to throw it away for some stupid, fucked up, self-sabotaging reason! If you let them go, it will destroy you and as someone else who cares about you, I cannot allow you to do that! They’re your family, you need them, and they need you. And your kid needs you, you can’t just stop! And Hunter… that man is so in love with you it’s sickening, and you are as equally disgustingly in love with him! Whatever is holding you back, the two of you can get through together!”
“Lyra-” But she held up a finger to stop you.
“And you don’t need to worry about me, I will be fine. I’ll get a job and might even find a place that’s not a condemned building to live. You have to go!” She finished with a nervous exhale as she awaited your reaction.
“You’re right.” You agreed.
“Yeah, I am and- wait… what?” Lyra stared at you, shocked.
“I’m going after them.”
“You are?” She double checked.
“Yup.”
“Oh, thank fuck!” Lyra exclaimed before she darted forward and wrapped you up in her arms.
“How long were you coming up with that speech?” You kidded as the two of you hugged.
“For however long you were holed up in your room.” Lyra said with a laugh. “And in case you didn’t listen to that, I had my rifle set to stun and was fully prepared to drag you.”
“Glad we could avoid that.” You replied drily. “Also, ‘sickeningly in love?’” You quoted.
“I meant that as a compliment. Most people can only dream of that.”
You managed a short laugh. “I was an ass to you.” You mumbled shamefully.
“You were, but you were going through a lot.” Lyra said kindly as she removed herself from your hold.
“I was broken and hurting but that wasn’t an excuse to treat you how I did and I’m so sorry. I’m truly grateful for you and your friendship and well, just everything you’ve done for me. I won’t ever forget it. There are some spare bags of credits from those jobs I pulled whilst we were on the move in my bedside drawer, take them. And if there’s anything, and I mean anything you need, I will be there. You only have to get in touch.” You passed her the details of the Marauder’s comm channel.
“Go get ‘em.” Lyra said with a grin.
You gave her one last quick hug before you ran out the door, concern for your injury was pushed far to the back of your mind. You only prayed to the Force that you hadn’t left it too late.
--
“But I still don’t understand why we’re going without her. What you’ve said makes no sense.” Wrecker questioned as he followed Hunter up and down the Marauder as he got stuff ready for take-off.
“Not my problem, Wrecker. I don’t really want to relive it all again so that it makes sense to you.” Hunter said gruffly as he avoided making eye-contact with his brother and instead focused on keeping himself busy.
“She met someone else and you’re basically doing the whole ‘if you love someone you let them go?’”
“I guess that about sums it up.”
“That’s bullshit.”
“Wrecker-”
“I’m sorry, Sarge, but it’s true.”
“You weren’t there. You didn’t hear her.”
“She can’t have meant it! She still has your insignia, if there was someone else, why would she keep that?!”
“Wrecker, drop it.” Hunter said sharply. His brother’s insistence that you were making all this up was only rubbing salt in the wound.
“We’re really just going to leave and forget about her?”
“Yup.”
Wrecker just couldn’t accept that. “If you love someone, you fight for them! Otherwise, what’s the point in what we’re doing right now, why should we bother going after Omega?”
Hunter paused his pacing by the doorway and released an exasperated sigh. “What do you expect me to do?”
Wrecker went to speak but changed his mind as to what he was going to say as he saw the figure in the background. “Actually, I don’t think you’ll have to do anything.” Wrecker said, looking past Hunter’s shoulder.
Hunter turned to follow his gaze and that was when he saw you. Standing in the torrential rain a few feet away from the steps to the Marauder, was you and you were obviously trying to catch your breath.
--
You started to speak before you caught your breath, so your words were leaving you in a desperate and winded manner. “I was always a bad student.” You raised your voice over the sound of the pouring way. You wiped some drops away from your face, a futile gesture given the intensity of the downpour, but the motion assisted in grounding you for this moment.
Hunter studied you from afar for a second, unsure as to why you’d started this way.
Sensing his uncertainty, you cleared your throat and started again but your words still spilled from your lips in a nervous ramble. “So, it turns out I was always a Jedi who developed attachments and love for people, but apparently that’s a pretty strong and unique quality and applying the Jedi philosophy of ‘letting attachment go’ is a mistake and- and it felt like one. I have such a poor grasp of that concept that even when I went to use it properly, I got it all wrong. I was always a terrible student but for once, for once in my life, I have never been more grateful for it.” Your voice quivered as you said these next words. “I love you! I love you so much it hurts but it’s the kind of hurt that I can’t imagine not having in my life. You, this team, are what keep me balanced and alive, and I was stupid to think letting you go was the solution to everything I have done!”
Hunter could feel his heart thundering in his chest as he listened to what you were saying.
“Finally seeing you again made me feel hope and brought a newfound sense of purpose in my life I didn’t think I’d have again but it got all twisted, I let it get all messed up! I saw you and Wrecker, and I felt that love again and it terrified me at first! I had been acting out and miserable for so long that I didn’t think I deserved to feel this way again or that I should burden you all with my past. I needed to be punished and this was the best way I could think of. I allowed whatever darkness that had been driving me for that period we were apart to convince me that you were better of alone and I had to say whatever I could to get that to happen and for that, I am sorry!” You were in full flow now, all the emotions you’d been supressing came crashing to the surface and for once, it actually felt good. You weren’t existing as a husk of armour anymore.
Hunter couldn’t stand the gap between you anymore and he got his feet in motion. He needed to be near you, he needed to hold you again. You didn’t seem to notice his movement though because you carried on talking.
“There was never anyone else, there could never be anyone else! You’re it for me and this-” You stopped and gestured to the half white skull insignia on your top layer. “When I had this and said that you were a part of me, I truly meant it! Even when we weren’t together, that feeling never faltered. Half my heart beats for myself and this family I was fortunate enough to find. The other half beats for you! You are so deeply engrained in my very being that when I didn’t have you, I could hardly call it living! And then I got you back, and I was flooded with all the emotions I’d been missing since that day we were separated, and they collided with everything I’d done wrong, and I just panicked! I entered self-sabotage mode and thought letting you out of my life was what I had to do! I ruined one of the few remaining good things in my life and was preparing myself to let it be so. Thankfully, it was pointed out to me just how incorrect I was and I’m sorry!”
Hunter kept slowly walking down the steps towards you, the heavy rain instantly cascading down his face and body, but he didn’t care. His sole focus was on you now and the words you were saying. The words that were now healing the open wound he’d had since leaving you in that run down apartment.
“I need to come back. I need to be with you and I’m sorry I got everything so wrong! I will spend the rest of my life making it up to you, but you have to let me come back!”
“Yes.” He said as he continued to shorten the distance between you both.
“This family is the light of my life. You are the light of my life. So, either, let me come with you or just shoot me because without you, without this squad, I am just a shell of a human being and I’m done feeling like that now! You have to let me come back!”
“Yes.” Hunter said again as he stopped in front of you.
“And I-” You cut yourself off as you finally registered what he was saying and that the space between you both was now only a matter of inches. “Really?”
Hunter nodded and his hand fell to your waist whilst the other cradled the side of your face.
“I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.” You whispered softly as your hand rested on his now unarmoured chest and you got utterly absorbed in the feeling of his heart pounding beneath your fingertips- each beat emphasising that this was real, you were actually with him now- and you had no doubt that he could pick up on the way your own pulse was racing.
“It’s okay.” He breathed. “I love you too.”
“I love you.” You croaked out again as you felt the emotions rise in the back of your throat.
“You never stopped being a part of me either.” He murmured, his breathing heavy as his self-restraint was hanging by a thread, but he needed you to be sure. “Can I-” Hunter started to ask as he angled his head and slowly brought his lips closer to yours.
“Yes.” You cut him off. If he didn’t kiss you now, you felt as though you might stop breathing.
Hunter swiftly bridged the remaining distance and the dread he’d been experiencing at the idea of never finding you, at the idea of leaving you behind instantly evaporated in this moment as he finally placed his lips on yours.
You sighed into the sensation of experiencing this again and what began as hesitant and careful, soon became a kiss between two people fuelled by passion who had been apart for far too long and who would never be apart again. You wrapped your arms around him and pressed yourself against him.
Hunter first made sure he held you securely in his arms but as the kiss progressed and both of you became more immersed in feeling each other once more, his hands started caressing everything he could find. The actions elicited a small but desperate noise from you which he already felt drunk off of and he needed to hear more of you. The rain that had once felt like a harsh cascade of cold, damp water now felt gentle and tepid. He got utterly absorbed in your warmth and he tasted the water on your lips, but the interference didn’t bother him, he just relished the feeling of having you back in his embrace again.
You faintly registered the sun breaking through and the rain lightened in its deluge as you kissed him. If it wasn’t such a perfect moment, you might’ve laughed at the cliched nature of it all, but you were too caught up in this feeling that you ignored it. You threaded your fingers in his hair and lightly tugged, soliciting that raspy and familiar groan from him and your stomach fluttered at the feeling.
Unfortunately, you couldn’t ignore your current injury any longer and you felt it strain as Hunter held you tighter to him in response to your actions.
Hunter forced himself to pull away upon feeling your wince, his chest heaving as he worked on getting oxygen back into his lungs, but you interrupted his incoming question by continuing to plant light, affectionate kisses on the rest of his face and he couldn’t help the low but happy laugh that he let out. He lightly grabbed your shoulders and took a slight step back to take you in. The way the sun fell across your face had his breath catching in his throat. Your eyes were bright and looking at him with an adoration that he knew was reflected in his own gaze and the blissful smile on your lips beautifully captured the feelings of this moment. He rested a hand on the side of your face.
You looked into his own shining dark brown eyes and leaned into his touch with a soft and content sigh.
Hunter continued to slowly caress your cheek. “Not to disrupt your healing journey, but I have to ask… where do you stand on Cid and Hemlock?”
“Oh, don’t worry, they’re getting fucked up. I have permission on that front.” You said with a decisive nod. “I just have to watch the line with those that aren’t exactly personally involved.”
Not going to question where this permission came from exactly, he was just grateful whatever had happened, had brought you back to him so he just focused on the last part. “I can help with that. And you can look out for me too. We don’t have to do this alone anymore.”
You gave him an agreeing and grateful smile before you planted another tender kiss to his lips and grabbed his hand as the two of you walked back to the ship.
“This you officially back with us now?” Wrecker asked with a grin as you stepped aboard.
“You won’t be able to get rid of me.” You replied with a small smile as you gazed around you. There were times where you had felt uncertain as to whether you would stand amongst these comforting and familiar walls again, and your senses were flooded with the memories you had created and shared here. You swallowed harshly as you saw Omega’s and Tech’s spaces, but you regained your composure as you walked along the hallway. Your hand traced along the bunk you shared with Hunter and a soft sigh left your lips as you were instantly reminded of the slightly more personal moments you had experienced there.
It felt good to be home.
“Ready?” Hunter asked as you finished in the cockpit. He came beside you and wrapped an arm around your waist and pulled you tight to him as Wrecker put the ship in hyperspace.
You nodded. “Let’s go get our girl.”
Next Oneshot>
Tagging: @noeasyisnoisy, @fuckoffthanos, @tpwkcalli, @graciexmarvel, @arctrooper69, @nightmonkeysstuff, @brujaporfavor, @flyingkangaroo, @sunkissedclones, @ladytano420, @keep-calm-and-drink-caf, @yyourmotherr, @xxeiraxx, @dragonrider9905, @skellymom, @lokigirlszendaya
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calypsocolada · 10 months
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PRACTICAL | s. shinazugawa
synopsis: you work at the butterfly mansion and your least favorite hashira comes to visit.
authors note: this is my first fanfic so please be nice haha I kinda just wrote this without any direction. I know nothing about medical stuff so bear with me.
cw warnings: mentions of blood, some cussing, slightly suggestive. that’s it I think let me know if I missed anything!
wc: 2.5k
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One word that you’d use to describe Sanemi Shinazugawa was cold. Cold like the icy morning air that stung your cheeks. That made you grab scarf and pull it up over your nose to hide from its sharp bite.
You worked at the butterfly mansion, all the great Hashira’s came through here. All of them so different. Giyuu was quiet but kind. Mitsuri outgoing and thankful (you always liked when she was around). Tengen was flirty, claiming that he had room for another wife before winking at you. And although that offer was tempting he was far too much for you, you did like his wives though. You never really saw Obanai much but on the off chance you did you gave him space, he didn’t seem much of a talker. You never met Gyomei. Rengoku was one of your favorites, he went completely out of his way to make you laugh, to share his food with you and sometimes while he was training, he’d teach you a few things. Tokito was adorable, he wasn’t around much but when he was you loved talking with him. Explaining things that he didn’t understand and smiling when he did. Now Sanemi, he was your least favorite hashira. He was rude, loud and obnoxious. You’d pray that you got someone else’s bedside to take care of when you saw him being carried into the mansion, bloody and bruised. He wasn’t even conscious this time and still you were annoyed.
You remember when you first met him, you smiled as you brought his food and medicine and although he didn’t return the sentiment you still were polite. You asked how his day was, he grunted. You helped him eat (both of his arms were broken) he gripped at you to go faster. You gave him his medicine and he laughed when you dropped the cap on accident. When he was a bit better to be able to stand and train his body back he was 10x worse! He called you healer girl even though you reminded him of your name countless times. He never left you alone, he’d follow you around and crack stupid jokes, he’d splash water in your face multiple times during the cup game and once when you were talking with another girl, he eavesdropped and laughed at something you considered a low moment in your life. Right then and there you decided Sanemi Shinazugawa was your least favorite person.
The next few times he came around you purposely made sure you were halfway across the mansion at all times, busying yourself with other things. You heard from some other healers that he was in bad shape after your second day of hiding. You felt terrible.
“Is he conscious?” You’d asked one of the girls.
“No! We’re all very worried!” She answered back. You sighed. You were the best healer and if you kept hiding out because of some stupid things you’d feel responsible for not helping. So you dragged yourself to Sanemi’s room. He was currently sharing a room with Rengoku. A smile lit up your face at the sight of him.
“Ren! What’re you doing here?” You exclaimed as you ran across the room, he jumped to his feet to meet you in a hug and spun you off your feet. You laughed happily as he sat you back down.
“Got here at the same time as Nemi here, I was in a bit better shape then him.” Rengoku fills you in. You turn to look at Sanemi. He was pale, his cheeks flushed, he had cuts and bruises littered all over his skin, his torso was wrapped with white gauze that clearly needed to be changed because some blood was seeping through. “Wondering where you were, thought maybe you were away or something.” Rengoku says as you walk over to Sanemi’s bedside. He was sleeping fitfully, obviously uncomfortable from the pain. You reached out, the back of your hand pressing against Sanemi’s forehead. He was burning up, his cheeks and forehead clammy.
“Don’t tell anyone,” you whispered as you reached for a cloth, dousing it in cold water and ringing it out. “I was hiding.” You told Rengoku. His brows turned in in confusion. You made a face and signaled to Sanemi. Rengoku’s eyes grew as he mouthed the word ‘oh’ as though he understood. You pressed the cold cloth to Sanemi’s forehead and he seemed to relax just a bit.
“I too like to hide away from my feelings.” He joked and your face instantly blushed.
“Negative feelings.” You corrected quickly.
“Negative?” Rengoku echoed. “You don’t have a crush?”
“No! Of course not!” You burned, trying to keep your voice as a hushed whisper. Rengoku cocked his head like a dog at you, you rolled your eyes, turning back to Sanemi. He’d moved closer somehow, clearly unaware of who was currently taking care of him. You pulled the rag away and rung it out with cold water again, pressing it to his cheeks as you pulled the cover from his body. He was radiating heat so before you could change his bandage you needed to get his temperature down just a bit. Rengoku watched quietly as you got to work. Slowly evening out Sanemi’s temperature.
“He likes you.” Rengoku whispers into the silence. Your eyes snap up to his, hand pausing before you checked his temperature again.
“I think you’re very mistaken, Ren.” You corrected as Rengoku squinted his eyes.
“He told me you were his favorite…” Rengoku trailed off, looking up as if trying to recall the memory fully. You shook your head with a laugh.
“Ren, please.”
“No it’s true! He asked for you before he lost consciousness.”
“He probably said healer girl, there’s tons of us.”
“He said y/n.” You paused, looking over at Rengoku.
“He doesn’t know my name.”
“Of course he does! He talks about you the most when he’s drunk.” You blushed deeply suddenly. There was no damn way Rengoku had this all right. The man wouldn’t lie to you but he must’ve misheard. “He talks about your hair, he likes the color, and your laugh and-“
“Shut your- damn mouth.” Sanemi suddenly growled causing you to jump, his eyes were narrowed at Rengoku. Rengoku held in a laugh as Sanemi starts to sit up.
“No, no. You can’t-“
“I feel fine.” Sanemi pushed your hands away but he was grimacing and getting paler by the second. You swallowed before pushing him back down by the shoulders.
“You are not well!” You snapped. He looked at you surprised. You’d raised your voice at him, your eyes like molten lava. He was quiet, didn’t push your hands away this time. Your jaw tightened as you backed up. “You never listen to me so I’ll call another healer to-“
“No.” Sanemi cut you off. You stared at him.
“No?” You echoed angrily. He didn’t look at you, his cheeks were turning red, he must’ve been heating up again from being awake. He didn’t look even when he talked to you.
“I don’t want anyone else to help, I want the best.” You felt every nerve in your body heating up, your throat dried. The once anger you felt slightly calmed in your chest. Replacing itself with embarrassment or something close to it. You’d forgotten Rengoku was in the room, observing this moment when he cleared his throat.
“I think I’ll go for a nice walk, leave you two to… this.” He said, leaving swiftly. When the door shut and silence prevailed you cleared your throat.
“I’ll help if you don’t fight me on everything.” You said in the silence. For a moment you think he hadn’t heard you until slowly he nodded his head. You sighed, grabbing the rag that had fallen and running it back under cold water. “Lay back.” You directed and just like he promised Sanemi laid back as you dabbed the cold water on his cheeks and forehead. This moment was silent and intimate and for once you didn’t dread being beside him. That was until Rengoku’s words drifted back into your head. About you being his favorite and how he talked about you often when drunk. You almost laughed out loud at the thought.
“What is it?” Sanemi asked and suddenly, you had checked out slightly but blinked and you were back to reality.
“Hmm?” You hummed in response.
“You look— amused.” He says. Your thoughts must’ve shown a bit on your face. You masked over it and shook your head. You reached back on your cart for some more gauze and some solution and when you turned back Sanemi was watching you, not angrily like usual but almost reverently, like he was interested in what you were doing.
“I’m gonna replace your bandages.” You said and he nodded his head. You helped him sit up, he shivered at your cold touch as you unwrapped his torso. It wasn’t terribly bad, but the stitches were coming loose which had caused some bleeding. “Did you try and get up last night?” You asked as you reached for you medkit. Sanemi cleared his throat and you looked at him. He looked guilty. “You did didn’t you.”
“I felt fine.” He says sheepishly. Then adds. “But I passed out in pain before I could get out of the room.” He says and this time, even though through a patient doctor relationship it wasn’t funny, you laughed.
Stubborn as hell Sanemi had passed out because of his stupid actions. Karma. Sanemi looked at you, watched as you softly laughed and slowly the smallest smile spread on his lips.
“That’s not very professional of you.” Sanemi said and suddenly you realized he was teasing. He wasn’t some angry hashira he actually had a personality.
“You’re right,” You start in doing his torn stitches carefully. “It’s not funny.” You said but you were still laughing. That was when like the world had tilted on its axis and flipped 180 degrees. Sanemi pushed up slightly, damning the pain in his torso to press a fervent kiss to your lips. You froze, the moment slowly dawning on you. Sanemi, who claimed to dislike you and not know your name, was leaned over, hand tangled in your hair as he kissed you as if you were going to disappear at any moment. It was odd, but not a bad odd, just crazy. You’d sooner think lightening would strike you inside rather than this man kissing you. And something even stranger was that you were enjoying it, it felt as though everything else in the world had paused around you. Allowed you to have this one moment to yourselves. He kissed you feverishly, like he’d die if he pulled back. That was until Sanemi cursed against your lips.
“Fuck,” he grunted, pulling back, pain splintering all through him. You blinked back to reality at the sight of fresh blood flowing from his wound.
“Oh-“ you gasped, reaching for a cloth, pressing it against the flowing blood. Clearly he’d lost his mind, so sick and riddled with pain that he kissed you. He probably had no idea he’d done it. You rationalized stupidly as you pressed the rag a bit more and slowly the blood cotted. You both didn’t say a word as you slowly stitched his wound back together, lifting him up to rewrap the gauze. When you laid him back down he weakly caught your wrist. His eyes were so soft on yours. You shook your head. Whatever he had to say it wouldn’t really be him thinking it.
“You’re not yourself right now.” You said but his grip tightened just barely.
“You think a little pain would make me kiss you?” He asks. You burn red all over, you open your lips to speak but he pulls you to him by your wrist, you mouth falling against his. He kisses you more desperately this time. A hand reaching up and sliding into your hair, pulling you even closer to him. You’re coaxed entirely to easy into his lap and you feel him whimper in pain against your lips. It’s a sobering sound. You pulled back, this couldn’t happen.
“Sanemi, we shouldn’t-“
“I want you.” He whispers into the space between you. Rengoku’s words coming to fruition right in-front of your eyes. You shook your head in disbelief. “I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you.” You laughed, fully pulling back from him.
“You’re sick.”
“I’m not that sick.” He refuted, you reached your hand out, pressing against his forehead, he was warm but not burning up like before. “Y/n-“
“No. I don’t want to hear what you have to say.” You snapped. Sanemi watched you curiously as you gathered up your things.
“Why not?” He asked as you looked at him in disbelief.
“Because I don’t believe you.”
“I kissed you twice, what’s not to believe?” He argued.
“That you kissed me in the first place! You— you hate me!”
“No I don’t.”
“Yes you do!” You threw back. Sanemi shook his head with some sort of finality.
“No. I really don’t.” You stared at him, anger bubbling up.
“Then why call me healer girl? Never using my name when I tell you too! Or annoying me and being rude? Is that how you treat people you care about?” Sanemi stared at you as you spoke. He swallowed and looked away. Nodding his head a moment later.
“I didn’t want to.”
“You didn’t want to what? Treat me like a person?”
“I didn’t want to fall for you.” Sanemi growled, eyes jumping to yours. Your mouth fell open with the confession. “I thought if I was rude to you that you’d just— that you’d stay away from me. But you didn’t. You kept showing up, being charming and unbelievably beautiful and stupidly funny I couldn’t— I couldn’t help it!” Sanemi growls, huffing. You blinked. You felt as though this was for sure a dream. You pinched yourself but you weren’t waking up. You were really unsure what to say. You’d spent so much time despising Sanemi and now you weren’t sure how to feel about him at all. Everything made sense now. He was always around, you were always trying to help. You tried to make him laugh and talk when he didn’t. He was falling for you all this time and you had no idea. “Say something.”
“I don’t know what to say,” you said truthfully.
“Maybe you feel the same?” He asks and you shook your head.
“You never really talked to me. I barely know you.” You said practically and he looked away from you embarrassed. But you were attracted to him, you felt something when you kissed. That had to count for something. You swallowed dryly and set your stuff back down. You walked and set on the chair by his bed. You went through the motions, checking his vitals and temperature. It was quiet and awkward. When you were done Sanemi caught your wrist as you stood.
“Let me apologize.”
“Apologize?” You echoed.
“For how I treated you.” He says and you roll your eyes.
“Shut up.” You said and when his eyes widened in surprise you leaned forwards and pressed a kiss to his lips. The kiss lingered this time, something fluttered in your stomach when you felt his hand just barely under your jaw. When you pulled back he huffed, his breath tickling your cheek. “You better be very nice the next time you see me.” You whispered in the space between you.
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yanderemommabean · 1 year
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I love doctor Lee so much. Half of my brain is like 'haha he's so cute, he has a snake called Gilbert that's adorable'. The other half of my brain says:
'what if you were a patient at the hospital's mental ward, and Dr Lee was assigned to your case? He's generally caring and sweet, checking in on you every day to make sure you're alright.'
What if Lee comes in, asking you about side effects of the new medication that you're trying, but the line of inquiry soon grows uncomfortably invasive. Have you been feeling happier? Have you experienced a decrease in libido? How frequently do you think of masturbating? Do you think of anyone? Do you think of him?
Lee's a bit too friendly, actually. He examines you in ways that aren't strictly necessary, asking for you to disrobe so that he can check to see if you've injured yourself. The nurses would ignore you if you told them about what Lee does. He's already warned the staff that you're not the most trustworthy. Nobody would believe you. You're his lovely little patient, and he hopes that one day you'll accept it.
“I-I want to change doctors…I have a right to do that don’t I?!” you asked in a hushed, panicked voice. The nurse sitting before you sighs in annoyance, and while you don’t blame her, you’re also hurt because to her you’re just another patient causing problems.
“Dr.Lee has already notified us about why you’d want to change. You’re so lucky he hasn’t fired you as his own patient! You trying to get those drugs from other doctors could put you in jail you know? Lee is trying to actually help you”
You grit your teeth in frustration, trying not to lash out and shake the woman to get her to pay attention. You’re clearly not a fucking drug addict, or some psycho patient to just ignore. “No! No listen to me! Please!”
“Ah, I see our little butterfly is awake and eager today!” a deep, amused voice purrs from behind you. “Mrs. Williams, Ill take it from here. Go on, take an early break! It’s almost the holidays, you could use a bit longer to relax after working such a hard shift for me”.
Your face drains of color as the nurse happily leaves, thanking him as she walks away with a pep in her step. You shiver as he nuzzles into your shoulder and inhales deeply, murmuring something about how he loves the scent of your hair.
“You know, you trying so hard to escape me…It should make me mad” he sighs deeply, as if trying to keep himself calm. His hands wander down to clasp yours, pulling your knuckles up to his lips as he kisses them. “It should make me want to kill…but you have this way of being adorable even when panicked and upset”.
“You’re a sick fucker if you get off on me being terrified of you!” you hissed, trying to pull away, only to be yanked right up to his chest, face forced to look up at him as he grabs your chin. “Oh no no, dear butterfly, I don’t think you’re sexually appealing when scared. I think you’re adorable when scared of me. I get protective of you when you’re scared”
He forces you to press closer as he noses up the column of your neck, kissing right behind your earlobe “What makes my cock rock hard is knowing you can’t escape me, and that every night I get to indulge in you and your body…even if you insist that you hate me”.
You brokenly sob as his teeth begin to tease your skin, not hard enough to leave a mark but enough to make your body betray you. “I feel those shivers” he states with a smirk, turning you to face the wall as he presses right against your back “I feel the way your body craves me, butterfly. Why must you always deny it? If you would just let me love you, this wouldn’t be so hard anymore”.
His hands cup your crotch, fingers pressing down firmly to massage and grope you, making your thighs tighten and shake as your breath quickens. “I-I hate you. I hate you!” you scream, but your voice soon becomes breathy and shaky while his hands slip into your underwear with ease. “Say that all you wish darling, I'm a professional. I know when my patient is lying to themself”
(Hiya! Sorry if this isn't up to par, I'm still recovering and work is kicking my ass mentally lol, but I love these types of scenarios! I hope you enjoyed! -Mommabean)
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gadriezmannsgirl · 11 months
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Hola amor!
A fluffy request about the reader (idk what nationality, I'll let you choose) tryna learn spanish for Gavi, but what he didn't know was you're starting to master it. So maybe one day you surprised him by suddenly speaking fluently in Spanish. Hehe I got inspired by this girl I saw on tiktok, the boy's reaction was priceless! Haha and I was also learning Spanish too. Gracias!
Doing this with 🇵🇹 nationality😌 THANKS FOR THE REQUEST, LET ME KNOW IF YOU LIKED IT AND SORRY FOR THE LATENESS😭 I've been so busy lately😭
Also, fic celebration for the 700 followers... I still can't believe it. Thank you🥹🫶🏼
Una Experta -P.G
Summary: You surprise your boyfriend by showing your skills in Spanish
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"Come on, mi amor. It's easy" Your boyfriend of a year and half said softly
"I know it is, I just can't get a hold of it sometimes, Pabs!" You exclaimed a bit frustrated whenever your tongue didn't connected with your mind whenever you had to speak Spanish and yelled when you burned your hand with the heating pan "Não foda! Essa merda é quente. Vou ficar com uma chaga tremenda e bem na palma da mão!" (Fuck! That shit is hot. I'm going to have a tremendous sore right on the palm of my hand!)
"Amor, be careful!" Pablo said inmediately grabbing your burned hand and the other on your waist guiding you towards the sink and bringing your hand under the cold water as you hissed from the temperature change "Lo siento"
"It's fine" You hissed when his fingers carressed your burned palm "Amor"
"Sorry, mi vida" He kissed your cheek as you let out a few tears of both, pain and frustration. He let you quickly to grab the ice pack and came back putting it in your hand "Let's go to the bedroom, amorcito" He kissed your cheek again and dried your tears with his hand, guiding the two of you upstairs.
He took off his shirt and got to the bathroom to grab the medical kit, you sat on his side of the bed and watched him come back to you ready to take care of your burn.
After he was done, he left a kiss on it and left a kiss on your lips as well, before getting you inside the covers, he putted away the things he used and turned the TV on, getting under the covers with you in his arms.
"Amor" He said softly after a while "I love the effort you are doing in learning my language but don't stress too much because of it, okay?" He said against your hair "I love you too much and I don't want you sad or mad about it. You will eventually do it at perfection, I know it. Spanish isn't easy and we just gotta keep trying" You smiled softly. "Like, I barely know three words in Portuguese and still I am trying" You laughed
He was so cute and he was-is, so yours.
But the thing on this is... You already knew Spanish and were trying to perfection it, Pablo though doesn't know that, how did you communicated with someone before him? Yes, with broken Spanish and lots of English.
But it doesn't help the fact that you confuse Spanish words with your native words, since some of them sounded and were the same. It was a bit hard processing it and your mind sometimes shortcircuited because of it.
"I know, mi amor" You said kissing his naked chest "I know, I just-" You sigh "Wanna be able to communicate with you in your native languague. I know how hard is English for you sometimes" He smiles softly
"I can handle that" You giggled "However, Portuguese is really hard and I'm still trying, mi linda"
"I know you do and I'm proud of you for it" You smile "Além disso, você fala muito fofo em português, seu sotaque sevilhano soa muito pesado com isso. Eu amo isso" (Besides, your way too cute talking in Portuguese, your Sevillan accent sounds way too heavy with it. I love it)
"¿Ah? You said Love, right? You said love" He confirmed as you giggle "I hope you said you love me because I love you too" You smile nodding and gave him a kiss on his cheek when his phone dinged and he grabbed it showing you, proudly, his lockscreen.
A picture of the two of you appeared and you smiled hiding your face into his neck "Nos vemos lindos" (We look pretty)
"Of course we do" He buffed as you shook your head rolling your eyes secretly loving his confidence. "It seems like we've got some company in five days"
"Who?"
"Your suegros" He winked and you blushed
"They'll be staying?" You ask smiling as he nods
"Two days" You sigh softly
"Gotta tidy up the guest room tomorrow then"
"I'll help you, amorcito. Don't worry"
...
"¿Y Pablo?" (And Pablo?) Belén asked as you chatted with her meanwhile el señor Pablo, her husband, showered.
"Ha salido a hacer unas compras de último minuto. Mañana quisiera hacer su platillo familiar, que me has dado la receta pero no había podido ponerla en prueba" (He went out to do some grocery shopping of last minute. I wanna do your family dish tomorrow, you gave me the recipe but I couldn't put it on test) She laughed "Y bueno... Que mejor situación, que ustedes estén aquí" (And well... What better situation than you guys being here) She let out a little aw and you blushed
"Es bastante sencilla, nada de que preocuparse, ¿Eh?" (It's pretty simple, nothing you had to worry about) She smiled "Eres muy buena cocinera, de seguro te queda exquisito, pero si quieres te puedo ayudar" (You're a really good cooker, I'm sure it will be delicious, if you want I can help you out)
"No te molestes, ustedes son los invitados. Tendré que poner a Pablito que me ayude con la ensalada" (Don't worry about it, you are the guests. I will have to make Pablo help me out with the salad) You both laughed
"Que la va a incendiar, estoy segura" (He'll make it fire, I'm sure of it)
"No, que va. Ha mejorado bastante en sus skills de cocina. Esperemos que no me deje en ridículo luego de haberle defendido si se llega a cortar en lo más mínimo" (No, he won't. He has gotten a lot better in his cooking skills. Let's just hope he doesn't leave me ridiculous after defending him, if he gets to cut himself at least a little) Belén laughed as you smiled when you felt someone gasp.
You turn around and see Pablo with the bag of grocery in his hands
"You're speaking Spanish? Perfectly?"
"How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough to hear your pretty voice speaking my languague fluently!" He exclaimed and almost let the bag fell to the floor if you hadn't grabbed it before. "¡AMOR!" He yelled with a smile on his face "Say it again!"
"¿El qué?" (The what?)
"¡Joder, hostias! ¡Lo estás haciendo!" (Fucking hell! You're doing it!) Belén and you were full on laughing
"Pablo, para" Belén asked (stop)
"I won't, mamá! She's speaking Spanish! That sounded so hot, you don't know how turned on that made me" He told you and you blushed rainbow colors. His mom was sat in front of you.
"¡Hey! Your mom's here!"
"She knows we do those stuffs, right mom?" Belén smiled shaking her head in disbelief "Mi amorcito hermoso, I'm truly happy for you!" He picked you up as you laughed hugging him by his shoulders "But... ¿Desde hace cuánto sabes Español? ¿Y por qué no me habías dicho?" (Since when you speak Spanish? And why you haven't told me that?)
"Surprise?" He smiled shaking his head
"Necesito urgentemente ponerme en clases de Portugués, no me puedo quedar atrás" (I need urgently to take Portuguese classes, I can't be left behind) You and Belén laughed.
"You will not, amor" He smiled and high fived you, intertwining your hands in the end
"Just like I will not let you down tomorrow with the salad, mi experta en español"
°°° °°° °°° °°°
Taglist: @gaviypedrisbride @stuckinaf4nfiction @elijahslover @azzpenswrld
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starrylothcat · 9 months
Note
If you’re still taking prompts, I’d love to see 12.) “Just lay back and let me take care of you” with Wolffe and an independent female reader who does things on her own and struggles to be vulnerable. I know that’s a lot, so please disregard if it’s too much :)
Look After You
Summary: The burdens of being a war medic are weighing you down, but Wolffe is here to comfort you.
Pairing: Wolffe x Fem!Reader. No pronouns used.
Warnings: NSFW, 18+. PiV sex, cunnilingus, feelings of self-doubt / being overwhelmed / compassion fatigue. Mention of death. A lil’ angsty. Soft Wolffe. Established relationship.
Word Count: 2900
A/N: Ohh thank you for the ask, and it’s def not too much! This became a little personal to me, as compassion fatigue is a large issue in my field of work and something I have experience with. It was the first idea I had for this prompt, so sorry if it’s kind of angsty, haha. I hope this is kind of what you had in mind. I hope you enjoy~
Ni kar'tayli gar darasuum: I will know you forever.
Ner ca’tra: My night sky
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Wolffe let out a long sigh as he crossed his arms over his broad chest, watching you pour over reports that were splayed across your desk. Wolffe had been standing in your personal quarters for a few minutes now, and you hadn’t noticed.
“It’s time for a break.”
You mumbled something incomprehensible in return, continuing to shuffle through the piles of flimsiplast reports, not paying attention to Wolffe whatsoever.
Your elbow was on your desk, your palm keeping your head up as your tired eyes flicked back and forth between documents.
Wolffe could tell you were stressed, and you have been for the last couple of rotations. You were returning from a difficult campaign on an outer rim planet, and though it was a victory, heavy losses had been sustained. Morale was low on the ship, as it was whenever they returned to Coruscant with less men than they started with.
It hit you especially hard, being a medic for the 104th. You weren’t immune to stress or grief, but you worked efficiently under pressure, not letting your emotions compromise your top-tier medical care when it was needed most.
That’s why Wolffe fell for you in the first place - your endless compassion and sense of duty. Wolffe has watched you save the lives of his brothers, doing everything in your power to give them the chance to fight another day.
Sometimes you worked too hard, Wolffe needing to remind you to rest. You knew you struggled with it, but the thought of being idle meant lives could be at stake.
The war was not stopping, and if you stopped, what were you left with?
These thoughts were troubling you more and more, especially after this mission.
Death was part of the job, you knew that and have fully accepted it. But each death was starting to weigh heavier on your soul, wondering if you could have done more to save them.
You were beginning to doubt your skills, a heaviness on your chest that wouldn’t quite go away.
You wanted to tell Wolffe, but didn’t want to worry him.
He had enough on his plate and didn’t need to be reminded of the losses. At least that’s what you told yourself. You knew Wolffe would want to listen, but you couldn’t bring yourself to talk about it.
The only thing you could do was work, and hope that was enough of a distraction until you got back to Coruscant.
Wolffe cleared his throat, trying to get your attention again, but to no avail.
Wolffe knew something deep was troubling you, he’s noticed your change in behavior the last few rotations.
You've barely left your quarters on the Republic light cruiser you were currently stationed on, and your usual organized space was a mess. Half-filled cups of old caf were precariously pushed to the end of your desk, your bed was unmade, and plates from the mess hall stacked on the floor by your door.
Wolffe wished you would give him the chance to help you, or at least admit something was bothering you.
You were so caught up in making sure other’s needs were met, you often forgot about yourself.
Wolffe rolled his eye, having an idea of what was going on. He strode behind you, placing his gloved hands on your hunched shoulders.
You didn’t even flinch, murmuring to yourself and typing at hyperspace speeds on your datapad.
Wolffe gently squeezed and felt your tense muscles instantly relax under his fingertips.
Wolffe lowered his head toward yours, lips brushing against your temple.
“Can you take a break…for me?” He whispered, digging more into your shoulders, eliciting a small groan from you.
Finally, you broke free from your work, turning toward him, snapping out of your concentration.
“Wolffe, I have a lot to do…”
Wolffe grunted in response.
“So do I.���
You couldn’t help the small, pleasured exhale that left your lips as Wolffe continued to release the tension out of your stiff muscles, planting kisses down your neck.
“You need to rest. It’s an order from your Commander.”
You turned to him, and though his tone was stern his eyes held something deep, a glint of tenderness only reserved for you.
You let out a breath, pushing yourself away from your desk.
You stood up, stretching your aching back, feeling bad for ignoring him. You hadn’t even noticed he entered your room, thinking he was going to be busy with his own reports and meetings the rest of the night.
Wolffe wrapped himself around you, holding you close as he gently placed his finger and thumb under your chin, tilting your head up toward him.
“Ner ca’tra…”Wolffe touched his forehead against yours as you melted against him, only calling you that special name when you were truly alone and speaking heart to heart. “What’s on your mind?”
You were silent, biting your lip that was threatening to quiver.
Wolffe had noticed your odd behavior, and knew you couldn’t keep it from him forever.
“It’s just my reports…” You mumbled, not finding the courage to admit what you were really thinking.
Wolffe grunted as you leaned your head against his chest, hearing his heartbeat. He wasn’t wearing the top half of his armor, so his body heat radiated onto you, a comforting feeling.
Wolffe sighed. “I know that’s not what’s bothering you. You can talk to me. If you’re not ready, I understand. But I don’t like seeing you like this.”
Wolffe felt you tremble against him as you gripped the front of his blacks.
You wanted to tell him how tired you were, how burnt out you felt, how you were doubting your skills as a medic and every soldier that died under you care was a failure on your part.
You couldn’t speak, a small sob leaving your lips as you pressed yourself into Wolffe’s chest, gripping the front of his blacks harder.
The hidden emotion was threatening to spill out, the nagging thoughts you usually tried to keep at bay, tucked deep down where it couldn’t affect your work.
Wolffe stayed silent, rubbing your back as you let out another sob, falling apart in his arms. Though Wollfe wasn’t speaking, his silence was loud and clear.
Tell me, it’s okay.
“I…I’m just…tired. Tired of the fighting. Tired of death. Tired of seeing good men die for no reason.” Your words were muffled as you wept, fully crying into his chest. Wolffe rested his chin on your head, still quietly rubbing your back. “I…don’t feel like I’m doing enough. No matter how many lives I save, it doesn’t matter…”
Your voice trailed off, trying to catch your breath as more sobs waited in your throat, hot tears spilling down your cheeks and soaking the front of his blacks.
“I didn’t want to add to your burdens, you’ve already lost so much -
“Never think of your burdens as less than mine.” Wolffe cut you off, speaking finally. He pulled you from his chest, his thumb tracing beneath your now puffy eye, wiping away the tears.
“How many times have you helped me through my weakest moments?”
You had soothed Wolffe through many periods of grief, times where he was so angry, so devestated, he couldn’t speak, only quietly weep in your arms as you held him, just as he was holding you now.
Wolffe was eyeing you intensely, his brows furrowed.
“You’re always helping others. It’s okay to let others help you. You’re worthy of that, ner ca’tra.”
The stoic and battle-hardened Commander then kissed you so tenderly and held you so reverently, you couldn't stop the tears from welling in your eyes once again.
“I am always here for you. You know that.”
You nodded, leaning into his large, warm hand.
“I know, Wolffe. I’m…sorry I kept it from you.”
Wolffe traced his thumb over your lips. “You never need to apologize, not for this.”
Wolffe kissed you again, this time more passionately, his tongue tracing over your lower lip as you released his blacks and brought your arms around his solid neck.
You opened your mouth fully for his tongue to caress your own, both of you emitting a small groan as your mouths danced.
“You always take such good care of me…” Wolffe rumbled against you, desire now bubbling in his good eye, his hands ghosting at the hem of your tunic.
“Just lay back and let me take care of you. Is that okay?”
Wolffe kissed your neck, lightly grazing his canines on your skin. His gloved hands now fully under your tunic, delicately roaming up your torso.
“Yes.”
Wolffe wasted no time walking you backward to your bed. Your knees hit the edge of the mattress, and Wolffe laid you down onto the plush blankets.
Wolffe’s tight blacks highlighted his wide chest and rippling muscle underneath, his biceps flexing as he quickly removed his lower armor.
To anyone else, he would look immensely intimidating as he peered down at you, his cybernetic eye almost glowing as he drank in your form. Though his expression was as serious as a lothwolf, you caught that tender look again as he climbed on top of you. That look that said I’m here, I’m yours.
Wolffe made quick work of removing your tunic and breast band, kissing down your chest, leaving small marks to remind you of him later.
“Relax.” He mumbled into your skin, still feeling how tense you were. “I have you.”
Wolffe’s lips trailed up the side of your breast and he took one of your nipples in his mouth. He gently sucked and rolled your sensitive bud on his tongue, feeling it harden under his careful ministrations.
You whined, breathing out his name, letting him take full control over you.
Wolffe released your nipple with a pop and looked up at you, his singular eye once again filled with such gentleness you blinked back tears.
You moaned softly as Wolffe took your other breast in his mouth, giving it the same lavish attention as the other, alternating between using his teeth and tongue, gently sucking and pulling at the sensitive flesh.
Wolffe could hear your labored breathing quicken as he worked your nipple, one of your hands grasping his cropped hair, warmth spreading between your legs.
Once Wolffe decided both of your breasts received proper treatment, he continued kissing down your stomach, moving down your body as he did so. Wolffe slipped off the bed, kneeling as he carefully pulled your body to the edge of the mattress.
He didn't say anything as he removed your pants and underwear, taking off his gloves and stroking a finger through your slick pussy. You keened and whimpered his name as Wolffe kneaded and massaged your thighs, staring at you intently.
“You've saved the lives of my brothers, and mine, more times than I can count. Never doubt your abilities, cyare.” Wolffe murmured, still caressing your thighs.
“I know it feels like it’s never enough. Wolffe kissed your inner leg, tracing his tongue over the sensitive flesh. “But it is. I promise.”
Your heart swelled at his words, breathy gasps escaping your lips as he gently probed your pussy with his tongue, focused on licking and exploring, knowing exactly what you needed.
“Wolffe…oh…Wolffe…” He slowly licked a stripe up your pussy, swirling his tongue around your clit, applying perfect pressure as a thick finger slipped into you.
You grasped the bedsheets and bucked your hips as he lazily fucked you with his finger, pressing to the top of your walls to maximize your pleasure.
He increased his pace as he focused his mouth on your soft labia and clit, bringing you to an explosive first orgasm that shook your body, causing more tears to stream down your face.
Wolffe worked you through it, kissing your inner legs again, leaving a warm trail of kisses back up your torso to wipe the tears away before going back down between your legs.
Wolffe continued to take his time warming you up with his fingers and mouth, bringing you to release too many times to count.
Every inch of your body was claimed by him, worshiped by him, your heart ready to burst with every touch.
Your lovemaking was usually intense, not knowing if it was the last time you had together before being apart on missions, but tonight was different.
Wolffe was touching you as if it was your first time, re-learning your curves and dips, slowly drawing ecstasy from your body and leaving you breathless.
Finally, when you were too tired to move, thoroughly blissed by his ministrations, Wolffe quickly stripped himself of his blacks, laying his body on yours. You felt his rigid cock against your thigh, knowing he was probably desperate for his own relief.
You reached down to grasp him, wanting to give him the same amount of attention as he just gave you, but he gently moved your hand away.
“Next time…” he murmured. “This is all about you.”
Wolffe rubbed his cock against your folds, which were thoroughly soaked. “We don’t have to if you’re not feeling-” Wolffe started. You grasped his hair and pulled him in for a kiss.
“I want to. I want you.” You looked up at him, your eyes begging to have this moment where it’s just the two of you, no one else.
You wrapped your legs around his waist, pulling him in flush against you. “I'm yours.”
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Wolffe was so deep inside you, your vision was blurred and you were delirious with euphoria.
You couldn’t speak, every thrust of his hips punching the breath out of your lungs.
Wolffe was talking to you, guttural saccharine murmurs between his own pleasured groans only meant for you to keep close to your heart.
The ever-strong, stalwart Commander, never showing weakness on the battlefield or in front of his brothers, opened his soul just for you in this powerfully private moment.
It almost overwhelmed you, how much he trusted you. You felt guilty for keeping your feelings from him the past few cycles, but as he ravaged your body so devoutly and thoughtfully you couldn’t linger those thoughts long.
Your final orgasm was quickly approaching, Wolffe’s brutal pace not slowing as he felt you clench around him, knowing you were close.
Your knees were pressed into his chest, his cock plunging impossibly further as his large arms caged you in, his fists digging into the sheets around your head.
Wolffe was watching you intently now, observing how your head was thrown back, your mouth open but unable to make a sound as Wolffe gave you everything he had. “Let go, cyare,” Wolffe grunted above you, his end nearing too, your sweet cries and velvety muscle milking his cock becoming too much.
“Let go. I’m here.”
Wolffe’s messily pressed his lips to yours as you fell over the precipice of pleasure, swallowing your cries as your body shook and toes curled at the unbridled pleasure that overtook your being.
Wolffe’s wild pace did not slow, your fingernails digging into his shoulder blades as every thrust of his hips sent shockwaves throughout your body.
Feeling and hearing your orgasm sent Wolffe over, growling your name against your swollen lips, his hips stuttering as his cock emptied inside you. His warmth filled you, leaking onto your sheets as he pumped into you with a few final, shallow thrusts, his back muscles tensing and quivering under your palms.
He pressed his face into the side of yours, his heavy breath tickling your skin as he stilled, laying on top of you, careful not to crush you under his weight.
“Ni kar'tayli gar darasuum.” Wolffe spoke it so quietly, you almost missed it over the sound of your own pounding heart and heavy breathes.
You smiled, repeating back the words, understanding their meaning. You were learning Mando’a from Wolffe, still trying to nail down the correct pronunciations.
Wolffe smirked softly. “Good effort, but you need more practice. I think you told me I was your loving idiot.”
You giggled, feeling lighter now, the burdens of war momentarily forgotten as you lay with Wolffe. “I guess I’ll have to keep saying it.”
Wolffe grunted, a ghost of a rare smile still on his face.
With some effort, Wolffe rolled off of you, your bodies slick with sweat. Leaving you on the bed, he went into your small refresher. You could hear the sound of water being turned on, and he emerged a few moments later, coming back to the bed.
You thought he was going to lay next to you again, but he slid his arms under your legs and torso, effortlessly lifting you up. “Wolffe, what are you…?” You gasped as he nestled you into his arms.
“I’m not done taking care of you, cyare.” He rumbled, striding to the bathroom where the tub was being filled up.
You smiled as he let you down from his arms, stepping onto the cool tile, your legs wobbly from your lovemaking.
“I thought you said you had a lot to do?” You teased as Wolffe stepped into the tub, sinking into the warm water.
“I do, but it can wait. You’re more important than reports and meetings, cyare. At least tonight.” Wolffe smirked, his cybernetic eye flashing, gesturing for you to join him.
You stepped into the tub, the hot water relaxing your sore muscles, your mind finally at ease. You faced him, the steam filling the room.
“Thank you.” You muttered, reaching toward him and running your hand over his scar, tracing your fingers under his eye.
Wolffe turned and kissed your palm. “No need.”
You smiled, leaning back against the tub, sitting in comfortable silence. Your previous anxious notions evaporating with the steam rising from the water.
You knew there were tough days still yet to come for both of you, but at least right now, you could forget.
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junolupe · 11 months
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“Bathtub testosterone”
This piece was kinda my magnum opus being the climax of my SI I wanted to depict all of the tinkering that goes into transition by showing some of my and other trans mens insecurities. I Displayed this through my gushing love of horror and Frankenstein literally becoming a self made man by stitching my own top surgery, sewing on a mustache, and plucking out eyelashes because “I look like a Disney princess”. This piece came to me when me and my trans sister were talking about places I could get hrt and at the end she brought up “bathtub testosterone” this word come from the old process trans women used to do where they would make their own estrogen in a bathtub. The idea intrigued me with this mad scientist angle I could take showing me physically changing my body being that trans health care is extremely inaccessible where I’m from. Im hoping to get a job, set up my own business, or get some commissions soon so I can afford to start saving up for hrt with the idea of being able to go through with this and medically transition one day all the more exciting. btw I’ve been submitting my old portfolio to competitions so hopefully my actions have no consequences haha
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