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ichorai · 8 months

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reset me ; wade wilson.

track twelve of BROKEN MACHINE.

pairing ; wade wilson (deadpool) x mutant!reader (gender-neutral)

synopsis ; charles sends you to recruit deadpool into the x-men. expectedly, the bastard tries to weasel away from you—and when that doesn’t work, he resorts to his most lethal method: flirtation. that, and taping a kick me sign on your back.

words ; 1.3k

themes ; comedy, mild fluff and action, mutant au

warnings / includes ; mild injury/violence, sexual jokes and foul language, a lil bit of banter/terrible flirting, reader has the mutant ability to harness energy into ropes, wade steals blind al's crocs, reader's implied previous romantic relationship with wolverine, mentions of the rest of the x-men :)

Wade’s place smelled like greasy pizza, put-out cigarettes, and old socks. The door wasn’t locked—in fact, it was slightly ajar, and you could clearly hear Wade and Al bickering about missing Crocs.

“I swear I put them right here!” she vehemently exclaimed, gesturing to a potted plant.

Wade rolled his eyes. “Right—because you always hang your Crocs on our leafy greens.”

Al shuffled somewhere into the back of the house, complaining loudly to herself.

You took that as your cue to silently step in, standing just behind Wade, noting with mild amusement that he was wearing a pair of white Crocs. The very ones Al was searching for, you presumed.

In the blink of an eye, Wade whirled about on the heel of his squeaky, rubbery footwear and brandished a knife. Its strangely warm blade slotted against your throat just as you defensively raised your hands.

“Watch it, Wade,” you warned, though you were not at all worried. His knife lowered and flipped back into the depths of his fluffy bathrobe when he realized who you were.

“Oh. It’s you,” he said. The discolored flesh of his face twitched with a grin. “Did Mr. Metal Dick send you? The bullwhip substitute to watch over the class?” He snickered at his own joke, recalling your mutant ability to harness energy into the form of ropes.

“Piotr is off on vacation with Kitty,” you replied, propping your hands up on your hips.

Wade tipped his head back and guffawed. “Do you think he stays that way under the sheets?”

With a grimace, you pinched the space between your brows and sighed loudly. “Jesus, Wade—I don’t fucking know. Why don’t you ask him next time you see him?”

“Good idea.” He shuffled off to shuck open a box of day-old pizza on the table. “You want?”

“No thanks.”

“You sure? It’s pepperoni. You know how expensive it is to get pepperoni nowadays, in this economy? I’m offering you gold flakes on bread, here.”

“Mhm, I’ll pass.” After a considerable silence, only filled with Wade’s loud munching, you tested the waters by saying, “Charles actually sent me.”

Wade gestured at a chair and nudged for you to take a seat. “McAvoy or Stewart?”

“What? Charles Xavier, who’s McAvoy and Stewart?” You sank down onto the creaky wooden chair, frowning at the baby powder rimming the backboard. It was probably Al’s. Wouldn’t be surprised if it was Wade, though.

Ignoring your question, Wade tilted his head and asked, “How’s Yukio? And her emo-face Megasonic Nuclear Bomb-Head girlfriend?”

You smiled slightly, remembering how they were pestering Logan, who’d been working on fixing a motorcycle back at the mansion when you left.

“They’re fine. Wolvie, too.”

“No way!” exclaimed Wade. “Logie’s there, too? Jesus—whole damn gang’s there.”

“Except you,” you pointedly said.

Wade paused mid-chew. “Oh. Oh-ho-ho, I know what you’re doing here. Charles wants me to join his rag-tag team of circus freaks.”

“Wade—”

“The answer is no.”

“Come on—”

“And he wants me to be around all those kids? In a school? Has he met me?”

“Believe me, I don’t know what he’s thinking, either,” you told him, scoffing. “You’re the last person I’d expect to be on the team but… I trust Charles. If he wants you in, there must be a reason why.”

Holding his hands out, Wade shook his head. “Listen, I’m flattered, really, but Deadpool works solo. Except for that one time I formed the X-Force. But that was a team of people I hand-picked! The X-Men just doesn’t sound up my alley, y’know?”

You blew out a breath and fixed him with a serious expression. “Some day you’re gonna have to pull your head out of your ass and realize that there are people out there who are willing to be your friends. Your family. Don’t throw it away, Wade.”

A muscle in his jaw ticked as he studied you.

“You’re really bad with rejection, aren’t you?” he finally asked, quirking up a brow—or, at least where his eyebrow used to be—and crossed his arms. The Crocs he’d stolen from Al squeaked as he stood up and gestured to the door. “I’m surprised you didn’t go running back to Charles the moment I said no. I’m beginning to think you have a crush on me, or something. Not that I blame you. My face may be fucked but my dick works better than ever. Just ask Al. She’s blind as a bat, but she hears everything in this damn house.”

Immediately, you grimaced. “Ugh. Don’t be crass.”

“What? I thought you were into broken men. Like to pick up their pieces, don’cha? You and Wolvie had that fling once, no? He told me all about it.”

In truth, Logan had told him little to nothing about his brief relationship with you, but Wade had ruthlessly pestered him anyway.

You stiffened at his words, glowering. “You’re exasperating.”

“And you’re looking awfully lovely today. That frown really accentuates your eyes. Makes you look about a decade older.” Wade leaned his weight onto the table, leering over you, patting your back twice. “I find it very attractive.”

With a flick of your hand, a crimson coil of your harnessed energy shot out and thwacked him in his side, and he hissed out a string of curses, backing away from you. You’d burned right through his fluffy white robe, to his simultaneous dismay and astonishment.

“Jesus!” Wade glanced incredulously from you to the slight, shallow gash that formed by his ribs, already starting to heal itself. “That’s actually—that was so fucking cool. Do it again!”

Clearing your throat, you pushed yourself away and stood up. “Final time I’m asking. Yes or no?”

Wade pretended to give it a long, hard think. “Mmh…” He wrinkled his nose. “No.”

“Fine,” you said, rolling your eyes up to the ceiling. “When Piotr comes back from vacation, he’s going to find you and he’s not gonna go as easy on you as I have.”

“Ooh, ouch. Hope he brings some lube with him.” Wade grinned wolfishly.

Completely fed up with him, you ripped out a wad of paper and a pen from your jacket’s pocket, scribbling down your phone number. You folded it in half before shoving it against his chest.

“I’m not giving up on you. I’m a competitive person, Wade. If Piotr was the one to convince you to join, I just wouldn’t be able to bear it.”

“Yeah, yeah, you’re literally obsessed with me, I get it,” he remarked, sparing you a lopsided beam. He made a show of pocketing your number on the side of his robe that wasn’t burnt. “You little minx, you.”

With a final flick of your hand, you lashed out another coil around his foot, and made your way to the door just as he fell back onto the couch with a muffled oomf!

Just as you left, you heard Wade cackling to himself through the door you left partially ajar, just as it was when you came in. You chalked it up to him finding it funny that you managed to trip him over with your powers, and strode away from the shoddy house with your lips twitching upwards.

Wade, however, was laughing because he’d successfully pulled off taping a kick me sign onto your back without you noticing. A low and childish blow, but would certainly make for some fun banter whenever he saw you again—which, he suspected, would be pretty soon.

Plus, Wade thought you were pretty cute when you were riled up.

#wade wilson x reader #deadpool x reader #deadpool fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #deadpool fanfic #deadpool imagines #deadpool drabbles #wade wilson imagines #wade wilson drabbles #wade wilson scenarios #deadpool scenarios #wade wilson fanfiction #marvel drabbles #wade wilson fluff #deadpool fluff #wade wilson x you #deadpool x you

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crazyk-imagine · 8 months

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Russian is Different from Rushing

Pairing: Wade "Deadpool" Wilson x Mercenary!reader

Characters: Wade "Deadpool" Wilson, Mercenary!reader

Warnings: Wade being an idiot, this was too fun to write, reader has known him for so long, reader was kicked in the side before this, Wade and reader are trying to help the x-men, wade being himself naturally this needs a warning

Word Count: 383

Based on this post

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

You and Wade run into up the stairs (after a minor detour from the guy who was complaining about the number of stairs y'all have to go up). "Hurry up," you run ahead of him.

"I am, you're just freakishly in shape."

"It's called being healthy."

He mimics you while following after you. "It's called, you're insane."

You roll your eyes and jam your elbow into the bad guy's side. "Go take care," you grunt, adrenaline keeping you from feeling the pain in your side. "Take care of the guys in the room."

Wade glances back at you and salutes. "On it." Screams of many men dying in there brings you to a halt. You wait till there's nothing. "Is it safe?"

"Use your safe word."

"Wade!"

"Kidding, obviously." He turns, "or am I? Oh, you can't tell because I'm wearing my mask but I'm winking."

"Stop talking to yourself and get over here."

"Coming, darling."

You both rifle through some piles.

"I can't understand any of this."

"No shit, you can't read it. All of it is in Russian."

"I don't care how fast they were writing; it makes no sense."

You take a deep breath. "Okay, we need to find the blueprints, right?"

"Yes..."

"Why'd you say it like that?"

"Say what?"

You place your hands on your hips. "Do you even know what we're supposed to be looking for?"

"Definitely," he nods and looks back at the cluttered desk. "Maybe. Alright, alright. I know what you’re thinking and it's definitely blue because when teenage warhead brought it up, I thought of us all going out and getting slushies."

A dreamy sigh escapes him. "I'd definitely be getting red and you'd for sure get cola because you're weird and teenage warhead and her girlfriend would get blue and red so they can make purple because they're disgustingly cute."

"Uh huh." You shove him off the table, letting him fall backwards. "Grab everything you think is important."

You're wheezing as you try to catch your breath but falling on your back, especially when you're tackled is never easy. "What the- fuck, Wade."

"You said grab everything important and I am."

That sounds so sweet coming from him. "Plus, I don't want everyone thinking I'm the reason you died."

You groan. "My hero."

#deadpool #deadpool imagines #deadpool imagine #deadpool fanfiction #deadpool fanfic #wade wilson imagines #wade wilson imagine #wade wilson fanfic #wade wilson fanfiction #wade wilson #wade wilson x reader #wade wilson x you #wade deadpool wilson imagine #wade deadpool wilson imagines #wade deadpool wilson fanfiction #wade deadpool wilson fanfic #wade deadpool wilson #crazyk-imagine

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skylarinfinity · 8 months

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villain: [looking at deadpool and m/n with scared] who are you?! [pointing his gun at them]

m/n: [smirk under his mask] we-

deadpool: wait! [pull out his phone and play song] ♪and i don't dress for villains or for innocents i'm on my vigilante shit again♪

m/n: [sighed] please ignore him [shot the villain on their head]

tags lists @sonicqaulan @graysonfriggason @thebettermaximofftwins @sloanalistair @acienthazard @starlinggoldeneyes @ortegaolsen @wednesdaywanda @sandwichmarvel @gardenofmarvel @wanda-cabin-natasha-jacket @panandinpain0 @badblondebisexualboy

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random-imagines-blog · 1 year

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Imagine Deadpool’s reaction to finding out that you have four arms.

Enemies were coming from every which way, and although your boyfriend Wade had an unlimited lifespan, his ammo did not, and you were starting to feel swarmed.

Whether it was the stress, the adrenaline or maybe even your will to survive, your body started reacting, your mutation starting to show itself. Your uniform, nearly as tight as Wade’s ripped as your second set of hands ripped through the fabric, and your extra arms sprang through, pushing off the surprised enemies who thought that they had you bound.

You sent them sprawling, groaning a little at the pain because releasing your extra limbs was not the most pleasant experience - usually they were just inside of your skin, much like Wolverine’s claws.

And then HE noticed - of course he noticed; won’t ever notice that he leaves his half-drank glasses of chocolate milk out so that they stink to the high heavens, but the second your mutation shows, bam, you’re in the spotlight.

“Oh my god, y/n, are those BONUS arms?” Wade called over, excitement loaded into his voice despite the inopportune moment.

“FOCUS WADE,” You shouted, pushing through more of the bad guys. Your broke through your bonds and grabbed hold of their weapons, two guns, two swords, and started slashing behind you while shooting in front of you.

“Look at her go,” Wade said, pretending to wipe a tear out of his eyes, which were still hidden behind the mask. “She’s like my own personal Stitch-”

“If you start calling me six-two-six, I’m going to kill you,” You grunted, taking down all that were around you, and then threw the gun at someone who was trying to sneak up on Wade, hitting him in the head and sending him sprawling down. You looked around, satisfied that they were all down. You weren’t sticking around for clean up. But for now, you inhaled sharply, and absorbed those arms back into your flesh.

Wade had skipped over the dead bodies to come up to you. He raised your regular left arm and poked at the exposed ribs through the holes the arm had made. “Whoa, you really are like Stitch,” He laughed, not feeling a thing. “I can think of a few ways we can get kinky with those later-”

“Yeah, I bet you can,” You sighed, shaking your head and leaned up against your boyfriend. You rested your head on his shoulder. “Let’s just get some beers and then go home - I need the rest of tonight to be normal.”

“You know I’m not letting that rest, right?” Wade asked. “Show me again, do you have another two hidden so you’re like Doc Oc?”

“I’ll use all four hands to strangle you, I swear.”

Requested by: Anonymous

#Wade Wilson #Wade Wilson x reader #Deadpool #Deadpool x reader #Marvel #Marvel imagines #Wade Wilson imagines #Deadpool imagines #request #imagines #wadew

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underatedcharactersunite · 2 years

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Going Apple Bobbing with Wade Wilson

🍎Wade loves apple bobbing. What is there not to like about ducking your head into a bucket trying to achieve an apple. There are so many endless opportunities.

🍎Wade is proud to admit that he's perfectly talented at using his mouth to achieve things. Although Wade does question how he managed to become so good at it so quickly.

🍎 Wade is good at giving encouragement, although it tends to be in true Wade Wilson style. WIth many dirty innuendoes and encouraging pet names.

🍎Wade is more than willing to fight off anyone who tries to call you a cheater or tries to cheat. Wade being literally invisible, he doesn't mind taking a bullet or two.

🍎When it's Wade's turn, all he can hear is your encouragement and Wade can't feel any more proud of you. He loves how you're unapologetic as you cheer him on.

🍎Wade shocking everyone when he manages to fit two apples in his mouth at once.

🍎Wade is extremely proud of himself and he wants you to see how talented he is. This has you called him 'your dork' Wade is ecstatically happy about that.

🍎Wade asks if the two of you can do this when you get home. You think he's joking, he's not.

🍎While you acknowledge his request, you don't know how you are going to actually do it.

🍎 Lastly, two of you turn it into a drinking game. For every apple either one of you collects, the other takes a shot which sounds simple enough. Except. Wade has a high metabolism so he struggles to get drunk. Which means you lose every time.

🍎Which is why you vow to get a hold of a liquor strong enough for wade to drink. Perhaps Thor can give you some of his Asgardian mead.

For @deansamore end of year challenge

#Deadpool imagines #Deadpool imagine #Wade Wilson imagine #Wade Wilson imagines #Deadpool one shot #Deadpool oneshot #Wade Wilson one shot #Wade Wilson oneshot #Marvel imagines #Marvel imagine #Marvel oneshot #Marvel one shot #Headcanon #deansamoreendofyearchallenge

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cobbbvanth · 2 years

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you're laughing. the big announcement that ryan reynolds and hugh jackman are reuniting as deadpool and wolverine for the first time in 15 years was over shadowed by a youtuber who made his entire brand about loving his wife then cheated on her and you're laughing

#dude imagine being ryan reynolds and hugh jackman today #try guys #ned fulmer #deadpool 3 #ryan reynolds #hugh jackman #marvel #i feel so bad for ariel and the kids this is so messy #how stupid do you have to be to pull a stunt like this come on ned #**#*hits #*25k

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tarufai · 2 months

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#spiderman #deadpool #spideypool #comic #I did this for a class #an ENGLISH class #but we're learning about comics as literature and for the most recent paper we had an option to make a comic #and the main theme we're studying this semester is power so i made this #anyway I forgot how goddamn hard these two are to draw #I hate how complicated their costumes are like its so unnecessary #but I also think this is the most accurately I've drawn them #and they looked consistent through this whole thing #so I'm really proud of myself #and yes this is gay but i'm imagining that in this scene they don't realize they have feelings for each other yet hee hee #some of these were fuckin hard angles too what was i doing to myself!!! this was hard af!!! wtf!!!#and to be honest i drew all of this yesterday and today!!! that was so much drawing!!! og my god!!!#but it was fun he he #except i will always hate the webs on spideys costume. hell world #they have to look such a specific way and it is not easy #enough rambling. enjoy #also sorry im reuploading this because i had accidentally colored in one of spideys speech bubbles as yellow

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cryptidclaw · 24 days

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If Deadpool was a cat he would be hairless but he would wear one of these + a mask

Also Deadpool is a valid wc name.

#cryptid rambles #sorry i just watched Deadpool #all characters i like i end up imagining as cats #deadpool

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societalenemynumberone · 5 days

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Deadpool quotes but with my Lucifer's older sibling!reader idea-

Reader: [First day in Hell, in the middle of a fistfight] Have you seen this woman?

[holds up a bad crayon drawing of Charlie]

Sera: You've been warned, Reader. This is a shameful and reckless use of your powers. You will be coming with us

Reader: Look, Sera, I don't have time for the goody two-shoes bullshit right now

Alastor: Do you have off an switch?

Reader: Yeah, it's right next to the prostate. Or is that the on switch?

Reader; [after finding out about Charlie's existence] You're clowning. You're not clowning? I sense clowns

Charlie: Feeling a bit lonely?

Reader: Only sometimes when I'm by myself. Or other times when I'm with other people.

Reader: [First ever conversation with an awe-eyed Charlie] You're probably thinking, "My dad said that his older sibling is the second most just being in all of creation, but his sibling just turned that guy into a fucking kabab!" Well, I may be just, but I'm no hero. And yeah, technically, that was a murder. But some of the best love stories start with a murder. And that's exactly what this is, a platonic love story.

Reader: [to Sera] Listen, the day I decide to become a crime-fighting shit swizzler, who rooms with a bunch of other little whiners in the Lord's Kingdom with some creepy, [points to Adam] Heaven's Gate-looking motherfucker... on that day, [points to Emily] I'll send her shiny, happy ass a friend request

Reader [Helping in the second extermination]: Daddy needs to express some rage.

[starts firing their guns]

Reader: Listen, Angel, if I never see you again, I want you to know that I love you very much. I also buried 1,600 kilos of cocaine somewhere in the hotel - right next to the answer for getting out of a soul contract. Good luck.

Angel Dust: [Grinning] You fucking asshole

Alastor: Morningstar!

Reader: How can I help you? Besides luring women into dark, creepy basements.

Reader: [Just learned how to use a phone, looking at a text from Angel] What is that?

Husk: That's the shit emoji. You know the turd with the smiling face and the eyes. I thought it was chocolate yogurt for so long

Sera: I've given Reader every chance to join us but they'd rather act like a child. A heavily armed child. When will they grow up and see benefits of joining the Angelic Council?

Emily: Which benefits? Commiting genocide for amusement? Or the Angel that falls every few decades?

Sera: Please, falling out of Heaven builds character

Reader: Superhero landing. She's gonna do a superhero landing. Wait for it...

[Lute jumps from the platform and lands]

Reader: [clapping their hands] Whoo! Superhero landing! You know, that's really hard on your knees

Charlie: [Stopping Reader from killing Valentino] I can't allow this, Reader. Please, come quietly.

Reader: You blonde cock-gobbler!

Charlie: That's not nice.

Reader: You're really gonna fuck this up for me? Trust me, that squeaking bag of dick-tips has it coming. He's pure evil. Besides... Nobody's getting hurt.

[a dead body falls off an overhead building]

Reader: That guy was already up there when I got here.

#hazbin hotel 2024 #hazbin hotel imagine #hazbin hotel headcanon #hazbin hotel x reader #hazbin hotel #hazbin lucifer #hazbin charlie #hazbin alastor #hazbin angel dust #hazbin husk #deadpool quotes #incorrect quotes #hazbin hotel insert #hazbin hotel incorrect quotes

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mischievous-thunder · 1 month

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Person A: What do you think is the safest way to survive a horror movie?

Person B: Be the cameraman.

Person A: Even they aren't 100% safe these days.

Person B: True. But even if you don't learn from other people's mistakes, you'd at least be the last one to go.

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ichorai · 2 years

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dancing choose ; wade wilson.

track three of DEAR SCIENCE.

pairing ; wade wilson x gn!platonic!reader

synopsis ; when you said he’d come crawling back to you on all fours—you weren’t really being serious.

words ; 2.3k

themes ; comedy, action, angst

warnings / includes ; strong profanity, graphic depictions of blood/injury/violence/trauma, mentions of getting drunk and high, sexual innuedos, wade makes fun of vegans i'm sorry, one mention of edward cullen our sparkly vampire, hulk's ben and jerry's ice cream flavor, dumpster flowers, rumor has it wade is still waiting for the avengers to reply to him to this day, getting beat up by girl scouts, mentions of carnage bcs yes carnage and deadpool did fight in the comics, and mhm wade is quite literally on his hands and knees for you in this one

main masterlist.

Wade Wilson wasn’t good at life. If there was an award that went to the person who was the worst at existing, it’d go to him annually. He sucked at maintaining healthy relationships, consistently neglected his own well-being, and rarely ever took anything seriously. On the grand pyramid of shitty things that could possibly happen to a person, Wade was most likely at the very tip top of the food chain. He was the great white shark of the ecosystem that were unfortunate events that a person could endure—not that it was something to be proud of. Besides, Wade never really liked sharks. He’d much rather be a seahorse or something in the next life. If he could ever even get out of this life.

You had once mentioned that he was purposefully sucking at life as some sort of coping mechanism for his childhood trauma, but he merely responded the only way he was really good at—like a three year old throwing a tantrum. He had stuck his fingers into his ears and yelled out, “I CAN’T HEAR YOU! LA LA LA!”

Besides, what were you, his therapist?

No, seriously, though. What were you?

You had appeared into his life around three years back, when he crashed clean through several buildings in a row (thanks a lot, Carnage), eating mouthfuls of rubble and inhaling pure dust and shards of glass. After the fourth building he was thrown into, he crashed out of a window, stumbling into you, an innocent pedestrian just on their way to try out the new vegan restaurant down the street. He collided into you with enough force to send the both of you toppling over onto a busy road, asphalt scratching painfully against your cheek. Cars screeched to grueling halts only inches away from the two of you, angry honks erupting from a dozen vehicles at once. Wade almost had the gall to feel guilty for a second upon meeting your wide eyes. Then he spotted your trembling lips start to open into a horrified gape, which then gave way to the most awful, ear-splitting scream he’d ever heard.

He began screaming with you shortly after, because he promptly realized that his legs were gone and the pain was nearly enough to have him pass out.

“FUCK! FUCK, OH MY FUCK! SHIT! JESUS CHRIST, SO NOT COOL, CARNAGE! SO NOT COOL,” he yelled, using his arms to drag himself across the road, spitting out obscenities at the cars honking at him. There was a thick trail of blood and bits of mutilated flesh and skin following his severed knees, and you had to physically force your eyes away before you could feel your breakfast move its way back up your digestive tract. You pushed yourself up onto shaky feet, grabbing Wade’s suited hands and dragging him to the sidewalk with a groan.

“What the fuck happened to you?” you panted raggedly, staggering away from him as soon as he wasn’t under the imminent threat of being run over by a white man’s dirty Toyota. “Do you need to go to the hospital?”

“Oh, I’m fine,” Wade winced, completely not fine. “They’ll grow back in a day or two. I’ve had my legs cut off way too many times to count.”

Your brows furrowed. “Jesus. You’re one of those Avengers folk, aren’t you? Fuck.”

“Nuh-uh! That is so offensive. Just because I’ve got superpowers, doesn’t mean I’m an Avenger! I’ve been sending them my resume for months now, and they still haven’t gotten back to me.”

You had the audacity to roll your eyes. “Listen, hot-shot, I don’t know what I can do for you, then. I have a reservation I can’t miss. Are you gonna be okay on your own?”

“Ooh, reservation. Sounds fancy. Where are you going? You got a date or somethin’?” Here he was, bleeding out on the side of the road, and nonchalantly asking you about your love life.

You blinked twice. “Yeah…” you started hesitantly. “Just down the street at that new vegan restaurant. It’s my first one with him and I don’t want him to think I’ve stood him up.”

“Must have a humongous penis to get you dressed up all fancy shmancy for the first date. At a vegan restaurant, no less! Listen, here’s a life lesson that I had to learn the hard way: vegans only gain happiness from two things and two things only—tofu and being mean to millennials on Twitter. Save your time,” he hummed glibly. You absentmindedly wondered if he was going loopy with the amount of pain he was enduring. Blood began dribbling from his nose and leaked past his cracked lips, and he sat up abruptly, spitting into his mask. “Oh, gross. Gross! Fuck, all I taste is blood now—Edward Cullen you nasty fucker. Look, I’m sorry to ask this, you seem like a really nice person and I really don’t want to drag you into my shit but I’m gonna drag you into my shit anyways. Do you have a place I could maybe lay low for a while? There’s this really awful alien after me and I don’t think I can take them without losing any more limbs.”

After a beat of silence, you pinched the bridge of your nose and sighed heavily. God damn it—you couldn’t just leave him here alone, could you? “Yeah. Yeah, it’s just down a block. Let’s go.”

So, that was how you met him for the first time. Blew off a tofu-loving, millennial-bullying vegan (his theory, you never actually got to meet him), in order to save his ass from a goo parasite from space.

You quickly realized that this was nearly an everyday experience for him. It eventually became a routine pattern. He’d go out, get himself beat up by some otherworldly beings (there was that one time a gaggle of girl scouts beat him to a pulp, but he made you vow never to speak of that again). Then, he’d come slinking back to his apartment where he’d call you and whine until you begrudgingly agreed to come over with a pint of Ben and Jerry’s—specifically requesting the Hunka-Hulka Burnin’ Fudge flavor or he’d threaten to set himself on fire. Dramatic fucker.

And sometimes he’d come to your apartment, dripping vermilion blood everywhere, or high out of his goddamn mind, or so drunk that he could barely formulate a coherent sentence. Usually it was some infuriating combination of the three. Nonetheless, you’d tuck him into your couch with a fleece blanket and a throw pillow he often complained smelled like nacho cheese, but he slept like a baby despite it all.

And when you woke up? He was never there. No notes, no crude pencil drawings of dicks on your wall, no trace of him whatsoever. The process would continue to repeat itself a million times over, and you began to find yourself unsettled with your predicament.

Who was Wade to you? A friend? A stranger? A man who occasionally slept on your couch and constantly made you worry for his well being despite knowing that he was practically immortal?

The day you finally exploded at him, bombarding him with questions he had no answers to, he hadn’t meant to start yelling back. Insults were traded, scathing and cutting far too deep for either of your liking. He particularly remembered you hissing out, “Please, you can barely even function without me! You’re awful at taking responsibility for yourself, Wade! You don’t eat well, you barely ever sleep if not passed out on my couch, you’re always high or piss-drunk or beaten up halfway to hell! You know how fucking exhausting that is? Taking care of someone that doesn’t give two shits about you? I bet you wouldn’t last a fucking day without coming crawling right back up to my door on all fours! Like a little bitch!”

Wade knew you were just caught up in the heat of the moment—that this wasn’t really you. But damn if your words still hurt.

The fact that so many of your angry tirades were falling upon deaf ears and a stonily blank expression only seemed to fuel your frustration more, pushing you to the brink of tears glossing over your reddened eyes. That night ended with you telling him to never come back, and you had to physically shove him out of your apartment, slamming the door with such ferocity that the floor rattled beneath his feet for a split second.

Wade had stood outside your door for a full minute before coming to and realizing just how much of an asshole he’d been. You didn’t owe him anything. Hell, the two of you barely knew anything about each other. He began knocking softly, asking you, begging you to open the door, apologizing over and over and over. Then, he proceeded in his attempts to bribe you—with chocolate bars, movie nights, free vegan dinners, the chance to shoot him in the ribs, he put it all on the table for you. He was in front of your apartment for hours.

The door never opened.

That was around six months ago.

Now, as he found himself back in front of your apartment after so long, things were different. He wasn’t wearing his superhero suit like he usually did, there were flashcards of what to say in his hands just in case he completely blanked upon seeing you, and clutched in his other palm were half-wilted flowers he scavenged in the back of an alley dumpster (listen, he didn’t have the time nor money to buy you proper ones, so it was the thought that counted).

After rapping his knuckles against the wood three times, the door swung open.

Fuck, Wade was nervous. Suddenly his sweaty fingers fumbled and flashcards were fluttering to the ground, making a mess of pink little cards, some filled with doodles of extremely realistic (a style commonly known as ‘stick-men’) depictions of what he thought he looked like while fighting bad guys, and other cards with his lines of what to say to you. He dropped to his knees, hurrying to grab at the scattered pieces of paper.

“I knew you’d be back,” you sneered, staring down your nose at him with thinly-narrowed eyes. “Jesus, Wade. It’s been… forever. I didn’t—I thought something might’ve happened—”

With a heavy sigh, you got down on your knees beside him, picking up some cards with a curious hum. “When I said you’d come crawling back to me on all fours… I wasn’t actually being serious, Wade.”

“Shucks,” Wade said, nervously taking the cards from you, uncharacteristically tentative. “And here I was thinking you were into that.”

Your expression immediately soured. “What do you want from me, Wade? Come to mooch off of me again? Make me care about you and leave just before things get heavy?”

“Y/N,” he breathed out, mentally going fuck it and setting the cards back down on the floor. “You’re wrong. All those months ago you said I couldn’t give two shits about you. I did—I do give two shits about you. In fact, I give so many shits that the toilet would be clogged with just how many shits I give about you! I don’t know how to deal with this. I don’t know how to care for someone properly. I don’t know how I’d do it right. But I wanna try. Please, Y/N, let me try.”

The way your jaw set made Wade swallow nervously. Then, the slight quirk of the corner of your lips made Wade tilt his head in surprise. “Are these… flowers? You got me flowers?”

“Yeah, but they’re from the dumpster.”

“No need to put yourself down, Wade. They’re lovely.” You took the wilting bouquet from his grasp with a mild grin.

He didn’t have the heart to tell you that he was telling the truth. Just as long as you didn’t stick your nose into them, he supposed he’d let you remain blissfully oblivious.

“So what are you asking?” you asked, thumbing the bruised stems of the flowers. “You wanna try being friends? Real ones?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’d like that,” he whispered with a near watery chuckle. “Whose balls did I have to fondle in my past life to get lucky and crash into you all those years ago, huh?”

The way you wrinkled your nose in distaste made Wade snort. “Don’t be crass, fuckwad. I missed you, too, for the record. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean most of what I said that night. I was being really harsh for no reason. There’s nothing wrong with struggling with things like that, Wade, you just need a bit of help, is all.”

There was a beat of comfortable silence before Wade sighed, pushing himself up to his feet, dusting off his pants before offering you a hand up. You took it gingerly, opening the door wider for him to step in.

Glancing once at one of his cue cards, he cleared his throat. “My name is Wade. Also known as Deadpool, founder of X-Force, and an Avenger-in-waiting,” he declared, gazing at you fondly. “I may suck at this whole living thing, but at least I look amazing while doing it.” When you shot him a halfhearted glare, he lifted his hands in surrender. “Kidding, kidding. I look like a chewed up piece of gum, let’s be honest. It’s nice to meet you… friend.”

The brilliant smile that painted itself violet over your features made just a slight fraction of the same expression mirror itself onto Wade’s face. “Nice to meet you, too. I think we’ll be getting along just fine.”

Wade Wilson wasn’t very good at living, but he liked to think he was just a little better at it now because of you.

#wade wilson x reader #deadpool x reader #deadpool fanfiction #marvel fanfiction #deadpool angst #deadpool fanfic #marvel fanfic #deadpool imagines #deadpool drabbles #wade wilson imagines #wade wilson drabbles #wade wilson scenarios #deadpool scenarios #wade wilson angst #wade wilson fanfiction #marvel drabbles

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crazyk-imagine · 10 months

Text

Wade Wants to Reminisce

Pairing: James “Bucky” Buchanon Barnes x Plus size!Super!reader, Wade “Deadpool” Wilson x Super!reader (platonic) Characters: Plus size!Super!reader, Wade “Deadpool” Wilson, James “Bucky” Buchanon Barnes, Natasha Romanoff, Steve Rogers, Sam Wilson, Tony Stark Warnings: Wade things, the avengers coming to save the reader, Bucky and the reader share a past, Nat and Wade are trying to get their friends laid, this is totally not inspired by a bunch of Bucky and Soldier Boy fics I read all weekend (don’t judge me), the deadpool gif is literally the reader and wade, this 100% does not make sense, I was bored and wanted some deadpool content, I also may have gone down a Bucky rabbit hole and here we are Word Count: 971

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He wouldn't tell you anything about his plans [I didn't want my plans to get ruined]

He'd make sure nothing bad would happen to you (nothing too major at least) [I wouldn't let them murder you or charge you with a B and E, chill]

Reenactment flashback

You were fine until he set off an alarm [I didn't do that. It was Fabio. *Wade points to the intern*

The poor guy starts shaking-

The real reenactment

"Wade," you pinch the bridge of your nose. "Did we break into a building we shouldn't have?"

"Yo soy no hablo Español."

"You're hablo-ing Español right now!"

"Fine! You caught me. I'm trying to help you suppress your kitty urges."

"Wade!"

"What?" He shrugs, eating a chimichango. "You kept whining to me how lonely you are and I know there's a lot of- ow, hot." He licks his fingers before trying to hold his chimichanga. "What was I saying? Oh right, there's a lot of fine men here for you to pounce on."

"I'm going to kill you."

"You know you can't. I'm just doing my friendly duty."

"You're a problem for society."

"That hurts." He places his hand over his heart.

"I hope it fucking does you crackwhore."

"Woah," he raises his hands. "There's no need to bring Blind AL into this."

"We both know it's you I'm talking about."

"Uh- hey," Tony waves his hands. "I don't mean to interrupt whatever the hell this is but you two just broke into the Avenger headquarters so we're gonna need to detain you for a couple of hours."

"Detain him." You point to Wade before raising your hands up in defense. "I had nothing to do with this."

"You bitch," he replies, extending the words.

"Slut."

"Whore."

"Old avocado."

"Dick sucker."

"At least my partner is satisfied."

He gasps, placing a hand over his chest. "What'd she tell you?"

"Nothing I didn't already know."

"Doll?"

You spin around with furrowed brows and then your jaw drops. "James?"

"Wait- you two know each other?!" Tony and Steve shout.

"She's your coffee date?" Natasha asks him with her hands on her hips.

"You've been getting laid and I didn't know?"

You pinch the bridge of your nose again. "I'm going to kill you. I swear on all that is holy Wade. I'm going to grab that hammer and smash you with it."

"That's not the kind of hammering I planned on doing today."

You purse your lips and pounce.

James stepped closer to you just in time. "Hey, hey. Calm down."

"Not until he's mush."

"Doll."

"But-"

"No."

"Bucky," you whine. "Just a little?"

"Not a chance."

"Would you two mind explaining how you met?" Natasha asks.

"Coffee shop."

Sam walks into the room, taking a second to see what's going on and then he sees you. "Oh, hey."

You turn and smile at him. "Sammy."

"Why does he get such a nice greeting?" Wade whines.

"He's not you."

"I take major offense to that."

"You should."

"Rude."

"I'm still stuck on the fact that Tinman went to a coffee shop and got a date. He doesn't even like coffee," Tony complains.

"I like a certain type of coffee."

"From a cute girl?"

"No."

"Yes. Man, you thought she was cute and bought her coffee," Sam rats James out.

You spin around in his arms. "You did?"

Usually he likes to think of himself as someone who doesn't get embarrassed but right now, he's plotting ways to get back at Sam. He doesn't look up at you. "Uh- I- I did."

"Well aren't you sweet," you smile up at him.

"I need to call Vanessa."

The smile is wiped from your face. "Go home, Wade!"

"But then I wouldn't get some memories I can play on repeat with my unicorn or Vanessa later."

"For fucks sake- Wade, get back here."

James lifts you over his shoulder and walks towards his room, locking the door behind him. "This makes things a lot easier." He sets you down.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, I planned on calling you and asking if you wanted to go out."

"If I say yes," you trace shapes on his chest, before staring at him through your lashes. "Can we stay here for the rest of the day?"

"If I say yes, will you stop using those eyes on me? You're killing me, doll. You know I'd say yes without that look."

You smile up at him and practically bounce as you walk away and aim for his bed.

A voice can be heard through the airvents. "So, does this mean you'd rather get ducked down than hangout with me?"

"100%"

"Cool. Just checking. Text me the details. I want to know how big."

"Wade!"

"I'm curious to see if he's a queen or a king."

"Liar."

"You've caught me but I already know."

"Go home."

"Bye kids. Use protection, unless you're into that." [And you all know what I'm talking about. Don't act like your Tumblr isn't full of those fics. Yes, I know about them too. Who do you think will write some about me?]

Wade closes the laptop he stole (from you) and sighs. “This was nice.”

You throw your boyfriend's alarm clock at him.

“Ow!”

“Go home, Wade. We’re trying to sleep.”

“Doll, what’s tumblr?”

“Wade you’re dead!”

Wade’s screaming alerts the rest of the compound.

“Why is your friend screaming?” Steve asks you.

“He taught James something he shouldn’t have, and he knows it. GET BACK HERE, WILSON!”

“Never!”

“I hope you’re proud,” Natasha pats James’ back.

“Why are you saying it like that?”

“Your girlfriend brought home a parasite.”

“It could be worse.”

“It could be worse!?” Sam screeches.

“It could be so much worse, Sammy.”

“That’s my nickname for him. You don’t get to steal it.”

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skylarinfinity · 9 months

Text

[m/n and deadpool waiting for she hulk and daredevil at a rooftop]

daredevil: sorry we late-

she hulk: [look at m/n and deadpool with confused] since when yours suit rainbow?

deadpool: [jumping up and down to show off his wig and suit that attached to rainbow tutu skirt] happy pride day!!!

daredevil: isn't pride month only on june?

m/n: everyday is a pride day!!! [toss daredevil and she hulk rainbow suit]

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random-imagines-blog · 1 year

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Imagine being a magical girl dating Wade Wilson.

The fight had started to grow more intense. These thugs - they weren’t using guns but they had all manner of other weapons. One was coming towards you and Wade with a flamethrower. Where does someone even get a flamethrower in the middle of a city? Weren’t there rules and regulations on that? Your knives and fighting skills were somewhat helpful but - shit. You were going to have to transform, weren’t you? This was the last thing that you wanted to do in front of Wade. You looked to see him skipping off to go and fight some large guy, so you ducked the other way behind a car. Unfortunately, he saw you.

“Y/N, what are ya doing? The bad guys are this way-” He stopped, pointing in front of him.

“Look away, Wade.”

“Why? Oh - are the chimichangas hitting you now? You gonna pull a Bridesmaids and go in the street? That’s nasty.”

“I mean it! Look - away - now!” You gritted your teeth, and the muttered the magic words beneath your breath. God, this was embarrassing. You could feel Wade looking at you. You should have distracted him, told him that Colossus’s ass was on display in another direction. Now you had an audience.

Bright light surrounded your body. A wind blew out of nowhere, blowing your hair back and up into pigtails. Like you were a child. Your rather form fitting outfit of camo pants and a tank top changed into a ruffled black and red dress, all frills and bows and corsets. A choker with lace appeared on your neck. Gloves that went from wrist to above your elbow and swelled with volume. And to top it off - the damn platform shoes.

The wind died away and there you were, now holding a magical gun rather than your knives. You looked over your shoulder to see Wade still staring at you - along with most of the thugs. “What - haven’t you ever watched Sailor Moon? Magical girl transformation? Hellllo?”

“You look like you got bit by a radioactive power puff girl,” Wade stated.

“Just shut up and help me get these guys. My feet are going to be killing me in about five minutes.”

“Yes y/n-chan! I’ll do anything you ask!” He shot off once more with a giggle before turning back to the perps. “Not sure she should be calling herself a magical girl, she’s definitely over twenty-”

“WADE. FOCUS.”

“Wanna blow some of that wind over my way? Maybe a dress like that would take care of my wedgie problem-”

“I hate you.”

Requested by: Anonymous

#Wade Wilson #Wade Wilson x reader #Deadpool #Deadpool x reader #Deadpool imagines #Wade Wilson imagines #Marvel #Marvel imagines #x reader #imagines #request #wadew

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hanasnx · 21 days

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x gon' give it to ya.

MINORS DNI 18+ ᶻ 𝗓 𐰁 .ᐟ NOTES: @fuckmyskywalker introduced me to the concept of talking to a pussy i think via an anakin smut post and it changed my life so i'd like to dedicate credit to the idea. WARNINGS: fem reader | sex in the suit | deadpool calls himself daddy ironically and talks to your pussy.

A deep groan reverberates from low in DEADPOOL's throat. "Baby, I can't believe how good you look right now, seriously never looked better." he praises, commending the space between your legs as she's stuffed full of every inch of his dick. Another inexplicable thing about his mutation—he grew.

"'Talking to my pussy again, Wade?" you scoff, amused and breathless as you rock back on him, tossing a glance at him over your shoulder. Your spine is in a deep arch over the bed, and the nine inch heels you're wearing are the only reason you're able to compete with his height bent over like this.

"She needs to know what a good job she's doing otherwise she'll get discouraged. Poor thing needs a lot of love." he refutes your judgement, however playful, lovingly stroking the flesh of your ass with his glove. "Give us some privacy, please. Jesus." he tsks, shaking his head at you while you bury your face in the mattress. If his dick wasn't yanking your brains out along with it, you might have more to say. He turns his attention back where your bodies conjoin. "Thank God I put zipper on this thing. Who knew a onesie would be such a hassle to take a piss in?" The sounds of the room are filled with him running his mouth and your cunt's wet responses when he pulls out and shoves back in. "Now look at us." A particularly moistured sound squirts out, and he laughs knowingly, like your hole's said something entertaining at a tea party. "Zipper makes it too easy, you know? We've gotta stop meeting like this, maybe next time we can just sit and talk—"

"Wade!" you giggle, banging your fist onto the mattress. "Just fuck me, already!"

"Don't worry about her, she's just jealous." he tells your cunt, "You and I have something special, don't we? 'Specially when Daddypool says to christen the suit." A wave of wetness wells up from his comment, and he gasps in pleasant surprise. "Oh, you like that, you dirty thing. Next time I crotch-shot a bad guy he'll smell you all over, is that what you want, you freak? C'mere, I'll give you something real to leak about." Big rough hands grip on your hips, slamming into you so hard your ass ripples from the effect, and your happy pussy gargles around the dick it chokes on.

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