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siriuslytproblem28 · 2 months

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upon finishing past lives

okay, so, as the final credits of past lives showed upon my laptop at around 4AM last night, i felt a giant urge to simply sit and write. i didn't do it right then, deciding to let the feelings and thoughts simmer for a while longer. then, i decided to read the reviews on letterboxd and came across a beautiful story. i went to bed promising myself to go back to what i wanted to write, so as not to lose momentum which is a very big motivator for me. otherwise, i'd simply let the moment slip and this is most definetely not something i wanted to happen with this beautiful piece of media.

i was opening my notes app rn and then decided to write here, for some reason. i've often been feeling the need to share some of my experiences with narrative fiction here, since i started with posting only about jegulus fics, but ended up talking about a movie or whatever. since no one reads here, it's basically my journal and my archive. i have terrible memory so i love to have all kinds of records and archives for things that moved me.

after this enormous introduction, let's talk about past lives.

i had such huge expectations after seeing one of the people in whose opinion i trust the most having loved it, and the general vibe i felt seeing the promo pics and the poster (i just don't like watching trailers for movies), that as i pressed play i was afraid it might turn to disappointment. what i wasn't expecting was the extent it actually surppassed the meeting of them, becoming most definetely my favorite movie i watched for the award season (very late in the game, i know).

something about it felt so familiar and yet so intriguing, i loved the pacing and the dialog. but especially the subtext. i've seen some reviews talking about how much they felt a lack of connection on a deeper, personal level, and my experience watching it could not have been more different.

not all parts of it clicked immediatey with me, i've later read reviews from people who immigrated to the US and realized i totally missed some details about this particular aspect, being a brazillian who never left Brazil. Though i think that, as a latina, there are some cultural aspects that i could absolutely relate to, probabbly from the perspective of a non north american and that was really interesting.

i don't wanna dwell much on the technicalities of the movie, though i believe it so beautifully shot and placed, i loved how much the scenarios add to every frame that appears on screen, the meaningfullness of the backgrounds that add to the subtext. Which is exactly the point i want to dwell on: the subtext. For me, it's one of the strongest aspects of the movie. Unfortunately, i haven't had the best experience on watching to analyze the writing properly, since i watched it via the jack sparrow way (it's not available in brazil ok) and the portuguese subs were kind of botched. Still, the content of every single conversation and it's weight was not lost on me. Though sometimes simple, it was always majestically written (and obviously i can detail better my opinions the english parts, the language i do, in fact understand without needing translation) and powerful.

i've had multiple experiences in my life with people that seem to come and go, but when i take a closer look i come to realize they have never really left. so i connected to the story sooo much, i even dreamt about of of my biggest crushes in middle school, and my first love, who i spent my whole adolescence loving and still is one of my best friends.

timing and the passing thereof, has always been a complicated thing for me to deal with. i remember writing about changes and my loathing of them from a very young age. now, in my early adult life, i find myself seeking those narratives more than i did as a kid. still kinda fearing the absence they'll leave inside me, but also yearning for the reflections they might bring.

i was around 12 years old when i watched boyhood. it was probabbly one of the first movies to ever cause me a hint of an existencial crisis. not in a way you'd expect, though. not in a "omg i need to get a career and wtf am i doing", but in a sense of how it portrayed relationships, the passing of time, etc etc.

as i grew older, focusing on the past 3 years, then came normal people and just this last january, before sunrise.

I re-read np in late 2023 as i felt the need to, when i realized i was falling really in love for the first time ever since my first love, which had a hold on me for almost 7 years (and i'm 20, that's a lot haha). i found that, somehow, it had meant even more to me the second time around.

january, this year, i caved in and watched before sunrise. i also had super high expectations but nothing could ever prepare me for what i received. it became one of my favourite movies ever, and it spoke to parts of me that i had either left uncared for.

to me, past lives came and fed that specific part. all of these pieces of media i spoke a lot on, they talk to and help me understand a feeling i've had in my heart ever since i can remember.

i always had a fascination with something i've come up with, to explain basically the foundation of everything i love, in art, in myself, in life, "the unsaid".

my definition of it, is that the unsaid lies within the dialog, the text, the spoken word, the writing itself. in media and in life. it's like subtext, but maybe even deeper. it's the look you give to your best friend across the room. it's the goodbye that gets trapped inside your throat the last time you talk to someone. it's the touch that never reaches itself out. it's the i love you you don't dare to let slip. it's the look you give someone when you stopped kissing them to just look at them. it's how your eyes light up whenever you see one of your favorite persons in the world. it's when you stop in your tracks in the middle of a party and gaze at your friends, and realize that life can be, in deed, beautiful, and how lucky you are. it also kinda relates to frances ha definition of what she looks for in a relationship, that really stuck with me.

i live for the unsaid. either be it in the art i consumme, or how i experience it in my life. it's what makes existing worth anything, personally. as past lives dialogs sm with this notion. all the scenes where hae sung and nora don't say a word to each other, their look speak millions. that reminded me of one of my favourite scenes from before sunrise, the famous booth scene. in all of the above, i sat unsable to shake a small laughter, or maybe a sly tear, in response to the volume of what was being communicated there.

i consider myself really lucky with the people i have in my life and this movie spoke to this, too. i have a childhood best friend who remains close to me, a sister, really, for over 10 years. i have another childhood friend, who was my first big crush and baby love i ever had, who i used to think i was gonna marry and have children with, to the extent i have drawings of it, still be my best friend to this day. i have friend since middle school, who i fell deeply in love with at the tender age of 13 and who remained my muse very well util my 19th year of being alive, and she was my first girlfriend, the first girl i kissed, and remains my best friend. i've also been lucky to experience such a short but beautifully loving experience with a close friend i made in college, in the latter part of 2023. i haven't really gotten over him, but it's fine, cause ever since watching before sunrise, i realized i had multiple - and i can't believe i'm refferencing tfios in the year of the lord, 2024 - infinities with. though i had grieved what seems to be the ending of our never named, never labelled, situationship, and i still feel a lot of things for him, i've become gratefull for having experience such interesting and soul touching things with him. for opening myself up for it. for admiting my feelings to him. for the leap of faith i took, even if i ended up stranded or hit by rocks at the bottom of the cliff. i'm grateful it happened, even if i still cry about it and have written many songs for him. no matter how long it'll take me to get "over" him, i'll live. and i'm happy it happened. he's become one of my favorite people in this life and this is something i don't say lightly and don't take for granted.

i think to me, the "meaning of life", is to collect this feelings and experiences that turn you into the person you are at the moment. i have no idea of who i'd be without all my influences. i've written mysel, but i was only able to, with the refferences and quotes of every friend i had, every person i loved, everyone who became my family or stopped being it. maybe it's my cancer moon and venus. but i'm really nothing more than a mosaic, a reflection of every single person present in my life (real or parassocial), a collection of words, spoken or not.

and yeah, i barelly spoke directly on past lives, but it's what i always tend to do anyways. i'm not here to make a detailed runthrough, analysis over the cinematography and the script, i might be an acting major but i lack the knowledge (or maybe just doubt i do). but this is, still, my journal, to track my experiences and thoughts. so that's what i did. and i don't think, at least right now, that this movie can really fit into aything i could try to say.

#past lives #celine song #before sunrise #you dream in a language i can't understand #left unsaid #in-yun #this is not a review

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inkedmyths · 11 months

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[[So I just woke up from a Fucked Up Dream and I just. Yeah. Not 100% accurate to what I dreamed, mostly bc I'm already forgetting some details]]

Statement of Inked Myths, regarding the passing of an ill relative. Statement given June 18, 2023. Audio recording by Jonathan Sims, Head Archivist of the Magnus Institute, London.

---

Statement begins.

I wasn't supposed to be home.

That's the thing I keep coming back to. I wasn't supposed to be home at the time. If I hadn't been home, my mom would be dead. Maybe the rest of us would be dead too. I don't—

...I don't think I want to think about that.

Anyways. I guess I should start off with the background, first, right. You have to understand that first.

I live with my family. Well, my mom's side of the family. Sometimes I think it makes me a disappointment, you know. Twenty year old still living in the house. I try not to dwell on it, though. Did you know the whole "move out right at 18" thing only really became a thing in the 1950's? Same with the nuclear family model. It was a couple of decades worth of a fluke, a country wealthy enough that you could do that. Now, it's so damn difficult to make a living wage, and people still expect you to move out—

Er. Sorry. Back on topic.

So, yeah, I live with my family. It's me, my mom, my grandmother, grandfather, and...

...And my great grandpa. Or, was.

That last one, um. That's why I'm here today.

My great grandfather had been ill for a long time. So's my grandfather, but Grandpy was worse off. It's just, life, you know? He was so old, and you rarely get that old and stay in good health. So he just kind of sat around most days, sitting in his chair, watching television or reading or whatever it was he did to pass the time.

I– God. I feel. I feel so bad, you know? I barely know what he even liked. I just... like he was always just kind of there, in the background, and I never... never really talked with him. I had my life and it was going too fast to stop and just. Just talk. God, who knows how long that— that thing—

Right. Getting ahead of myself.

Point is, he was sick, and had been for a long time. We took care of him, as best we could. Not really qualified, since none of us are really caretakers, but. Well. Homes cost money, and the best one we could find was so far away, so. We did our best.

...He used to talk. Just, a lot. To anyone who happened to pass by his chair. Just, about anything. What he was watching, recent news, reminiscing about times gone by. Sometimes it was just nonsense. He just liked talking. My grandmother always said to try and listen to him, if just for a little bit. That he just wanted some comoany for a while. I was never— never the greatest, at sitting and listening. Just. Don't like sitting still, and it tended to be boring, and. God, I feel like an asshole. But I mean. We all tried.

It should have been a huge red flag, when he stopped talking one day.

I think... I think we all assumed it was a sign of his health taking another bad turn. That happens. One day they can chatter your ears off, the next they can't. Perfectly natural.

Life went on, but it was. Unnerving. He'd always been talkative. Always. And he stopped watching his television, so it was always silent down there now. It freaked me out, so I avoided the downstairs even more than I already did.

I wasn't supposed to be home, that day.

Last week, I'd gone to school, you know, as normal, but. God. Have you ever had a feeling of dread so, so awful, you feel actually sick? I thought my unease would go away, but it just. It stayed, evolved, and I just couldn't shake that gut-wrenching feeling that something bad was about to happen.

Mom was off early, so I called, and had her pick me up. Not that home felt much better but, god, I didn't want to sit through fucking pre-calc while I felt like this. I figured it was just a particularly nasty bout of anxiety. I don't usually get, like, the whole shaking and crying and having a hard time breathing panic attacks, but I do get, like. Deep bouts of anxiety where I can't eat and feel really jittery.

Mom picked me up, asked if I was ok. I just kind of, shrugged, said the anxiety was bad today. She nodded. Her phone went off. My great grandfather was calling. Mom groaned, and ignored it.

He'd been calling all day, she said. Asking when she'd be home. Over, and over. When would she be home?

In hindsight this is. God. I wasn't supposed to be home. He— no, it. It didn't plan for me being there.

So, we got home, and went up to our rooms, like we always do. I sat down for a while, tried to take comfort in more familiar, quieter surroundings, but couldn't. That feeling of dread just felt like it was growing, and growing, and.

You know, I just read the other day that it's a symptom of a heart attack. This overwhelming feeling of dread. That it's your body knowing something is really, really wrong, without being able to tell it to you specifically. I've never had a heart attack, but I imagine that feeling is probably not to far off from what I was feeling then.

I decided to go down and grab a snack. Sometimes, when I'm feeling particularly jittery, it's just because I haven't eaten enough. So, I got up, and stopped by mom's room, asked her if she wanted something, and she said she'd be down in a second.

I turned away, walked to the top of the stairs and.

And was face to face with my great grandfather.

He was standing. He was on the stairs. He he hadn't— he hadn't been able to walk unassisted in— in years! He was standing on his own, walking up the stairs, in a way I'd never seen him do! It looked wrong. Like the slightest breeze should knock him over, like he should be shaking from the effort of standing. But he stood, like it was normal, though it was anything but.

The dread turned into terror when my eyes met— met it's. Because in that moment I knew that this? This was not my great grandfather. It was something else. Something pretending to be him. Empty eyes stared back at me, devoid of that little twinkle he'd always had, no matter what he was talking about. They were just... just empty, like glass.

I didn't even have time to scream. He— it lunged at me, grabbed me, and.

You know that thing in dreams, where you can't move or scream? Where you like, try to scream, but nothing comes out?

It is so, so much worse when it happens in real life.

I struggled, tried to break away, trying to scream. I couldn't. I could barely move, the moment it grabbed me. It was like it was... draining, me. Of my strength, my life even. I couldn't— I couldn't fight back. I fell backwards, wheezing, desperately trying to free myself, to scream, to hit something and make a noise. It's grip moved towards my throat, and there was nothing I could do.

I don't know if my struggle managed to make enough noise, or if my mom had just arbitrarily decided that was when she was going to get up and go join me downstairs. Or maybe she, too, had felt the same dread I had, and couldn't stand it anymore.

She walked out of her room to my struggle for my life.

I don't really remember exactly. I just know she knocked it off of me, and we both ended up downstairs.

And I know it lunged for her, next.

Free from its weird, freezing grasp, I ran. Fight or flight, and for maybe the first time in my life, I was choosing fight. I'm not a strong person, but, but that was my mom, she was in danger, and so was I, and. I ran into the kitchen, and grabbed a knife. Cliche, maybe, but what else was I supposed to do.

I ran back, to where it now had my mom in that same, awful grip. She was frozen, like I had been, unable to do more than try and not fall over, unable to shake it off as its cold, thin fingers dug into her arms.

But all its attention was focused on her. Maybe it thought I had run away completely. It's back was to me, and I had an opening.

I've never, in my life, killed anything more than a bug. Never gone hunting, never slaughtered a pig or whatever. Never really had the stomach for it.

I took the knife I grabbed, and without hesitation, plunged it into that thing's back. It plunged deep, like through sponge, a streak of blood spurting out. I guess it didn't have much substance. It just kind of... shuddered, squirmed a bit around the knife, and then it just... went still.

I didn't expect it to be that easy. Maybe it wasn't built to be stabbed, or whatever. With an ability to render someone imobile with a touch, other physical defenses aren't a priority I suppose.

My mother and I stood in silence. Then, realizing how this looked, I set about cleaning up. Not really, I mean, I was in shock, but I got the body out of the front entryway. Dragged it outside, back behind the house. I knew we had to properly dispose of it or something, but didn't know what else to do about it, for now.

Then me and my mom just kind of. Sat there, for a moment. And she said, "I should have known. He just kept calling, and calling, asking when I'd be home."

I wasn't supposed to be home. It had been planning on going after my mom, and wasn't expecting me. That had probably saved our lives.

The rest of my family came home, along with my uncle and his family. They'd been talking, apparently, about how something was wrong with my great grandfather, how he'd just stopped talking and they needed to figure out what was wrong.

Mom and I exchanged a look.

I don't know what she told them. I'd had enough for the day. I wandered back up to my room, closed the door, and collected myself.

I... I don't remember when exactly he'd stopped talking. That must have been it, right? When he'd been... been replaced? How long had it been? How long had we had that thing in our house, biding its time and waiting to kill us?

It's gone now. My uncle burned what was left of it. We haven't talked about it since.

I'm not sure I'll ever feel safe in my home again.

Statement ends.

If I didn't know any better, I'd say someone just walked in here and confessed to murdering their ailing relative in the midst of some kind of fit. I debated calling the police on this matter, but decided against it. I have some doubts as to whether or not it would be taken seriously, or, given our Institute's reputation, if it would be passed off as not enough evidence, if not outright a prank.

It does fit with the running theme of doppelgangers that I've noticed in several statements. I'm not sure if that lends it more or less credit.

There is... another reason, I did not call the police on this. I had Sasha do some digging on the family, to try and figure out which members were referred to, particularly this "great grandfather". As it turns out, the man in question was recorded as having passed peacefully in his sleep... 16 years before this statement was given.

Statement ends.

#tma #writing #is it fic if its based on a dream? i have no idea #so yeah waking up was a relief

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nonclassyparty · 2 years

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ngl i wonder what boyoung's reaction to all of that was. idk if it's just me, but i wouldn't feel good about being the "special" one or the one to "fix" a playboy after witnessing how said playboy would string along girls for entirely self-serving purposes. my whole thing with hookups and friends-with-benefits is it's only gonna work out if both parties are completely aware that they're just in it for the pleasure and know for themselves that there will never be anything more.

my problem with san is that he doesn't do that, he gets with girls that might actually fall for him because it's probably easier. if i was boyoung and i heard what san said to y/n about listening to her "crappy artworks" just to get laid, i wouldn't want to keep pursuing a relationship with that kind of person, regardless of how "in love" san might be for once. because why would i expect him to change for me? why would i expect him to fall in love with all the little details about me, why would i expect him to care about my interests? it's so very clear that he hasn't in the past. is that just me?

idk i'd really like to get boyoung's perspective in all of this, and tbh san needs to go through a MAJOR redemption arc like i'm talking zuko level shit after what he pulled.

also i'm not sure how to feel about y/n. i know that last chapter was purposefully trying to highlight how much of a bitch a woman like y/n can be when they want a man and can't have them, but there truly was no need to take it out on boyoung. y/n is a very polar character to me because she does these nice things for others and at least has some basic human decency (like at the party when wooyoung was in trouble), but then she almost seems to negate that by going after someone's looks and assuming she's gone through more than another person has even when she doesn't know? just because she wants a boy. it's astounding what "love" can turn a person into. how a person can and will betray their own morals just to get the person they want in the end. i guess the main takeaway here is that people like her are constantly on paths to grow and overcome that more selfish part of themselves, and i truly hope that by the end of the story y/n can do that. maybe one day apologize to boyoung (because no man is ever worth destroying a person's self-esteem over), and then maybe even find true love like yeojin (and i say true because although san was completely cruel in how he said it, he was right in that y/n doesn't truly love him, just the idea of winning someone like him).

i also think that mingi might play a big part in this, giving y/n the reality check she needs. so that one day, she'll look back at these times and laugh at herself. SO sorry for the long ask btw 😅

let me tell you something, male validation is like the finest crack cocaine you get hooked on it QUICKLY so fat chance is that being the 'special' one would make anyone feel good😭 and boyoung wasnt the one to "fix him" that was just yeojin talking but she doesnt exactly know whats going on between san and boyoung (and i don't plan on dwelling on the romance part between them too much or why she's special to san bc there are enough stories like that out there) but i totally get what you mean tho!

why IS boyoung into san even after knowing how he treats other girls?

i never understood it either which is why i decided to take that basic trope and reverse it so we can all see the player/fuckboy/bad boy that everyone fell in love with while reading fics for what he really is and what he's actually like towards girls who he isn't in love with 😭 because there are countless stories where the male oc in san's place treats the mean girl like trash but no-one bats an eye bc you know you're not supposed to be on the mean girl's side.

as for y/n... she's one of the most complex characters i've ever written. yn knows that boyoung didn't deserve that, in fact throughout the chapter, she compliments her even when she's trying to put boyoung down in her head and she ( i think two?? or three?? times by now in the story) says that she'll feel bad later when she thinks of what she's done to boyoung but in the moment it makes yn feel better so she let's the ugly side of her win.

yn is a very flawed character here so its okay if you dont know how to feel about her. after all, you would hate her if i was writing this story from boyoung's perspective😭

and my mingi...my sweet mingi 😭 i'm not going to comment on his relationship with yn just yet, its too early.

but thank you so much for reading and sending this message, i love LOVEEE reading what you guys actually think and just discussing the characters like this ❤️ hope you have a lovely day

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the-land-of-eternal-winter-novel · 2 years

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Chapter 20 – The Pleasant Memories

The illness drained them, and the mood was made even gloomier by Anatoliy's comments.

"When I was younger, some people used to say that I was so sick in the head because I had had a high fever as a baby... and I recently learned that I did suffer from an illness much like this when I was one year old. This is also how my twin brother died."

"I know, Sveta told me a long time ago... But stop thinking about death and the such!"

"That's not what I was worrying about in this particular moment. What I wondered is whether I would've been normal had I not had a fever then."

"Are you going to let the insults of some people convince you that you're mad? If it helps with anything, I say you would've been the same even if you had been healthy as a child."

"How do you know?"

"It seems like it runs in your family. Sveta told me that you're very much like your father, and Sveta herself resembles some of your quirks."

"There was never anything unusual about their behaviour. Dad was always so level headed and wise, and Sveta is very intelligent and mature. However, they never made me feel stupid, which I am still grateful for."

"You may be more alike than you think: if they understood you, then they may have a similar frame of mind. I didn't know your father as much as I had liked to, but, Sveta, for example, has many senseless fears, much like you do, and she behaves quite oddly, as you put it, but only when not in sight. She rarely tells me what is going inside her mind (because she likes to solve problems by pretending they don't exist), but when she finally does, I understand why she acts as she does. The first such example is when she had her first pregnancy. When she learned she was expecting, she started crying and wheezing, as if panicked. I was very disturbed by her reaction, confused as to why she could have possibly been upset with the news, given that we both wished to have children. Only afterwards did she tell me that she had watched her little brother die, when she was only 11, and now, suddenly, she couldn't get over the fear that her children would die as well, for seemingly no reason."

"Well, she may do all these things you mentioned, but that is just a painful memory that left its mark on her, creating a fear of losing her children. I doubt she has dark thoughts that creep into every aspect of her life, like I do. The more I try to imagine good things, the more nightmarish scenarios enter my mind. I get slightly angry, I imagine what if I killed another person, then I think that it's the last thing I'd want, but somehow that thought got into my mind, and I wonder, did I mean it?! But I don't, I don't want to be a criminal anymore! Yet I have thoughts like these. Or if I look out the window to get fresh air, I think I should jump out, but I don't actually want to die, and I get horrified as I imagine falling and plunging into the ground. I'll spare you the graphic details. I don't want to kill anybody ever again, and I don't want to kill myself, and there are so many things I don't want to do, but I think if them, and so many good things I want to do, but I don't think of them! Clearly, the only explaination here is that I'm mad!"

"You're not, but..."

"How do you know?"

Radek didn't know what to say, but he wanted to encourage him, so he deeply pondered upon his words. As he suddenly remembered a quote, he opened the Scriptures and read: "For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me."¹

"It was one of the apostles who wrote that." concluded Radek, slightly surprising his brother-in-law. "Each of us struggles like that, whether with sinful deeds, or thoughts. You have the tendency to think of those things, though you desperately want not to, I tend to lose my temper and speak harshly, although I really want to be peaceable, and so on."

"I'm not sure if those two are comparable..."

"I admit I often can't understand you, but I don't think you're mad."

"I'm not normal, either. Sane people don't think like that."

"Sane people are lucid, and they are aware when their thinking is distorted. A real madman would be gleefully, and dangerously, ignorant of their surroundings, but also their own mind, as if living in another world. You seem quite grounded in reality to me. Too grounded."

"I often act irrationally."

"So do we all. You just don't stop thinking about it."

"If only it were that simple."

Radek found it hard to grasp the concept, but he tried his best not to judge him, and not to make him feel even more discouraged, although such self censoring was difficult. He only advised him to rest. Some nurses gave the both of them their medicine, and they brought some ice bags for Anatoliy's fever. Radek hated to see him suffer. He had never wanted him to die, just as he never wished anybody to die, but now he found himself genuinely preoccupied with his physical, mental and spiritual well-being.

The following day, after Anatoliy woke up, Radek proposed more cheerful subjects to discuss. He started by reminiscing about his childhood, the schemes he and his friends did during school, his successes as a student, and many happy memories with his family.

"I can't believe you liked the military academy! It was the worst time of my childhood and adolescence." responded Anatoliy at a certain point.

"I have always liked physical activity more than reading or studying, and I have always been quite competitive."

"How can you be a military and a pacifist at the same time?"

"During peace times, officers participate in parades and national holidays and the such, and this is mostly what I had in mind at the time, aside from the fact that my dad was a military as well. Indeed, I'd hoped, maybe naively, that there would be no war during my lifetime. When I was at school I was one of the only ones with such a belief system. (Don't get me wrong, we were all very proud of ourselves, it's only that they took pride in the idea of dying in a war, and I, in the idea of being seen by the crowds as I carry the flag during a national celebration.) However, it was also there that I met your sister. Seeing as there weren't many women at the academy, and there were only a handful of people sharing my beliefs, it was quite a wonder that I met her. Sveta wasn't happy to be required to study there, but I was more than glad to get to know someone like her. Now, if I'm being honest, she is more of a pacifist than me. I tend to believe that self-defense (or defending the innocent) is considered an acceptable form of violence, but she holds that absolutely every dispute can be solved diplomatically. I would never endorse a war, but if I were forced into one, I would fight if I really must, but I wouldn't initiate it. She disagrees with me on this one, as well. Maybe I really need more integrity."

"You are a very moral man. I, personally, would have never thought it necessary to follow such principles. It even seems a bit excessive to me. Then again, I have my own set-in-stone rules that I follow scrupulously, so to each their own." he snickered.

"We do compromise when necessary. However, I don't know if I would've fallen for her if I hadn't admired her high standards first. She was very shy and anxious, but when it came to defending her principles, she didn't cower. Even then she was very mature and intelligent. The first time I met her, she was having a debate with her classmates, and, despite her obvious nervousness, she stood up for what she believed in. It didn't matter what the others said at the time, to me, she won the debate. One such speech was enough for me to think of marrying her. I befriended her, and we got along well from the beginning, except for the aforementioned disagreements, but she eventually made a compromise. (Later on, she told me she loved me because I always encouraged her and cheered her up.) I am so grateful for a wife such as her."

"I'm glad to hear you're still happily married. You know, this reminded me of Ingrid. After having been rejected and ridiculed by all the possible suitors, I happened upon her almost by accident. She was skating on the pond in a sort of inner garden of the castle. As soon as we started talking, we noticed how similar we were. I'd never thought there would be someone to make sense my tangled mind, and she thought the same. This drew me back again and again, and I finally felt accepted and understood. We found many things in common, aside from our idiosyncrasies, for example a passion for music. Of course, we had our differences, and I had thought patterns she didn't understand, and she had tics I found confusing, but these never constituted big conflicts. She seemed perfect, and everything she did was adorable to me. I still love her so much, and I was afraid she would leave after what I've done, but we reconciled."

"I'll admit, back when you got married, I thought that your relationship was rather superficial, because you only talked about common interests, but not also shared values. Now I'm glad to be proven wrong, and I wish you the best."

"Thank you. All I wish right now is to be reunited with my family."

"Me too... I wonder what they're doing right now."

Ingrid and Sveta were also sharing various memories from their childhoods, and not only. Sveta talked at length about her cousins, all of which were abroad, presently.

"The one I miss the most is Akim, uncle Grigoriy's son. We practically grew up together, and he was like an older brother to me; he was five years my senior. Sadly, his mother took him far away when she divorced my uncle. I tried visiting, but my old aunt avoided everyone related to uncle Grigoriy, at all cost. I gave up, eventually, but, until I met Radek, I hadn't found a good enough friend to compare to him. Not that I went out of my way to meet many people, I've always been a shy person. Most of my time was spent doing indoors activities... I've liked reading since forever, but I've never tried writing yet. I might start a diary, at first. There has been a lot going on in our lives right now... What did you wish to do when you were a child?"

"Like many girls, I wanted to be a ballerina, but I was discouraged, and even forbidden to do so. My mother said that I already embarrassed her enough for me to try dancing on stage with a short skirt on. As if ballet, of all dances, was improper..."

"Nevermind what your mother was saying, let's talk about happier memories."

"Sorry, I remember no matter how hard I try to forget... let me think of a good memory..."

Ingrid knew there had to be something, but it didn't come to her in that moment, despite her efforts. Multiple thoughts were circling her mind, including doubt that she had forgiven her mother, imagining that she must only remember only the good about her childhood for the forgiveness to be considered real. Sveta saw her staring at the ground, and she became concerned.

"Don't worry if you can't think of anything right now, you'll tell me later."

Ingrid was fidgeting slightly, changing her sitting position regularly, and absent-mindedly pinching and scratching her left hand with her nails. She made a great effort to remember something good, but more and more painful memories resurfaced. She wished she had had a different childhood, if only for this moment in which she had to be honest. The thought kept repeating in her mind, until she finally questioned it.

"Are you feeling well?" asked Sveta, putting her hand on her sister-in-law's shoulder.

"Y-...yes, I'm fine!"

She had not been paying attention to her, but answered instinctively.

"I also had a bad childhood, if that helps you, but, to be honest, it was because of very different circumstances..."

"...Please, don't feel sorry for me - I want to stop feeling sorry for myself, too." she finally responded, after she had finished her train of thought and prepared her answers. "Yes, sometimes I wish everything had been better, but you know what thought hit me just now? If my life had occurred even slightly different than what it's actually been, I wouldn't have been the same person, either. And if it hadn't been so bad at first, maybe I wouldn't have had the chance to experience the good I lived right after. Maybe I wish I had grown up in a family like yours, but then I wouldn't have been an Ingrid, but a Sveta. That's not to say that I'm completely satisfied with myself; I know some things in life changed me for the worse. On the other hand, I can't really imagine myself without taking my flaws into consideration. I decided I want to be content with my life, despite my past. I don't want to change anything from then anymore, but I now wish for a better future."

"That is a profound sentiment. You're much wiser than people think."

"Thank you..."

At the hospital, just as the two finished their conversation, another patient, a man in his late thirties, was brought into their room, which was on an upper floor, far from their first room, and the others, as well, so as not to transmit the disease to his roommates. He didn't speak to them yet, but they recognised him as the man they had met at the sauna, and he only lay in bed for the following few days. Both Anatoliy and Radek had fevers, but Anatoliy, unable to shake the worry that his sanity might deteriorate, followed Radek's words to the letter, so as to check if his mind was still intact. Radek was getting slightly better, but Anatoliy, on top of feeling sick, nurtured such thoughts. He developed a system, based on the criteria that Radek had mentioned: if he was lucid and self-aware, he was still sane. He defined self-awareness as knowing details about one's identity, and lucidity as being able to think logically, and he took counting as a practice. Every morning after he woke up, he recited in his mind his full name, his age, his address, and he counted up to a certain number, just to make sure he hadn't forgotten.

Anatoliy was now asleep, recovering from a fever. Radek was reading a newspaper the nurses brought, thinking about anything but the content of the news. He was worried about his brother-in-law, and, at the same time, he wondered who their new roommate was and why he hadn't talked to them since they met in the sauna. The other man, approached Radek just then.

"May I have the newspaper?"

"Sure, I don't need it. I don't usually read the news."

"That's too bad: the news are the only way I can learn about things happening in the other side of the world..."

__________________

¹ Romans 7:13-20

#the land of eternal winter #my novel #draft 1 #chapter 20

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helloalycia · 2 years

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⇇ chapter seven ⇇

story masterlist | main masterlist | wattpad

⇉ chapter nine ⇉

author’s note: i’m not THAT cruel that i’d give you angst so soon, don’t worry. hope you enjoy this one ♥️

33 years old

With majority of my life going to utter crap quite quickly, it was hard to expect anything more.

But a year had passed since I'd been freed from Dreykov's control, no longer a weapon to be used by anyone, and everything was going great. Better than great, in fact.

For the first time, ever I think, I was truly enjoying life. I'd been promoted to an assistant manager at the stationary shop I worked at and though some may have believed that was boring, I loved it. Meeting the regulars, helping people find the right items for their various craft projects, chatting the day away... it was a dream. Such a massive change of pace to what I'd been used to. And I thought I'd get bored of it, missing the action I once had, but I honestly didn't.

The repetitious routine of waking up early, watering my plants, having breakfast, saying hi to my neighbour, doing a full day's work and coming home to unwind for the evening, only to do it all again the next day, was a dream. It was so easy for me to find joy in the little things – deciding whether to have a coffee or hot chocolate with my biscuit, trying out a new recipe, making plans with some friends from work – and I wasn't sure I ever wanted to give it up.

Everything I'd fantasised about whilst being in the Red Room and graduating as a Black Widow was finally true. Well, save for one little detail... but I tried not to dwell on that because that was impossible.

Yelena and Nat had visited once more in person since our Scotland trip, staying over for a week to get a glimpse into my new life. Yelena loved it, but I think she just loved trying new things. Nat didn't hate it, but I knew it wasn't for her... which hurt a little, since she was the one thing missing, technically speaking, but those were dreams from an old me. I was just grateful for our friendship now.

It was my turn to visit them in New York soon enough and I planned to stay for a week, excited for the break from work and mainly just looking forward to seeing them both again. Though, the first day I was arriving would also be the day I would finally meet Clint Barton AKA Hawkeye AKA Nat's best friend, the one who'd given her an out.

It was Nat's idea to invite him, since it was apparently long overdue for them to see each other again since she'd been on the run and he happened to be in town. She thought it would be nice for Yelena and I to meet him, too, like we had with Vision and Wanda, and I wasn't opposed to the idea... but I was a little nervous.

This was the man who had taken her in, given her another chance at life. The man who she only ever spoke highly of, looked up to, considered true family. It was a little intimidating to say the least, but I was also curious to know what he was like.

When I got to New York after a very long and tiresome journey, the first thing I did was sleep in the comfy hotel I'd booked. Yelena had offered to have me stay with her and Nat, but her flat only had one room and there wasn't much space since it was bought for only her and Nat occasionally stayed with her when she wasn't off freeing Widows.

After a well-needed nap, I got ready for the evening meal that I was pretending I wasn't nervous for and headed over to Yelena's. Sucking up a deep breath, I made sure I looked presentable a final time and knocked on the door.

"Someone took their time," Yelena said once she opened the door, and I instantly panicked.

"Oh my– am I late?" I asked, wondering if I'd got the time wrong.

She grinned, shaking her head. "Nah, I'm kidding. Come here!"

Before I could say anything, she pulled me forward and almost crushed the bouquet of flowers in my hand as she squeezed me into a hug.

"It's so good to see you, Y/L/N," she said exuberantly, before standing back to get a better look at me. Then her eyes fell to the bouquet and her smile widened, if possible. "Are those for me? You shouldn't have!"

I suppressed a laugh as she took the bouquet and studied them. "They're actually for you and your sister."

"For me, got it," she said jokingly, before putting an arm around my shoulder. "Come on. You're just on time. Nat wouldn't stop talking about you."

I felt my neck grow warm at the thought of Nat being just as excited to see me, and let Yelena lead me into her living room after kicking the door close behind us.

"By the way, you look very nice tonight," she complimented, looking me up and down. "Great choice with the boots. I love them!"

I laughed quietly, missing her vibrancy. "Thank you, Yelena. You look great, too. Did you get more ear piercings?"

She winked. "Don't you know it."

We stopped in her open-plan living room/kitchen, where Nat was finishing setting up some place settings on the dining table. She looked divine, I wasn't afraid to admit it for a change. It wasn't anything fancy, just an off-white blouse and black trousers – but she made it work. Especially with the bright red lipstick she wore. I was certain red lipstick was only ever made for her in this moment.

"Look who's here?" Yelena said, pulling me from my daydream and letting go of my shoulders.

Nat stopped what she was doing and looked up, an instant smile spreading across her lips when her eyes found mine. "Finally."

"It's not a quick trip, is it?" I teased, before moving toward to meet her halfway.

"It's not, but you still should've been quicker," she mumbled into my shoulder when she hugged me, making me weak in the knees admittedly. "How are you? How was the flight?"

"I'll be sure to fly the plane myself next time," I jested, making her shove me in the shoulder when we broke apart from our hug. She rolled her eyes playfully and I couldn't stop smiling. "The flight was good. I'm good, too. I did bring flowers, but–"

"But they're for me, not you," Yelena finished for me, and we both turned around to see her filling a vase in the kitchen sink. "Thanks again, Y/N!"

I smiled apologetically at Nat. "She kinda took them, sorry."

Nat shook her head, a smile ghosting her lips. "It's fine. I appreciate the thought."

Looking around at the table, I said, "Do you need any help setting up anything?"

Nat was already ushering me to the living room. "Don't worry about that. I'm pretty much done. Food is almost ready and Clint will be arriving soon."

"If you're sure..."

She smiled endearingly. "I'm sure, Y/N."

Yelena joined me in the living room soon enough, whilst Nat faffed about with the last few things to do, and we had a nice catch up whilst drinking some fancy cocktails she'd made for everyone. Eventually, a knock was heard and Clint had arrived.

"I got it," Nat called, already going to the door.

Yelena and I stood up, and I suddenly grew nervous, flattening my hands down my clothes subconsciously.

"Have you met him?" I asked quietly to Yelena, who I noticed also looked a little nervous.

"Once, yesterday," she answered as we heard Nat and Clint exchanging greetings in the hall. "He's nice enough."

I smiled awkwardly, panicking a little. "Very helpful, thanks."

She snickered before we both straightened up when Nat led Clint inside. I wasn't sure what I was expecting – probably a uniformed superhero holding a bow and arrow, since that was his thing – but he simply rolled up in casual dinner attire and a small smile on his face.

"Yelena, you already know Clint," Nat began the introductions.

"Barton," Yelena said with a nod and smile.

"Belova," he returned, just as awkwardly.

"This is Y/N, who I told you about," Nat said, motioning to me as she spoke to Clint, before looking to me with calming eyes. "Y/N, this is Clint."

He offered out his hand and nodded towards me. "Nice to finally meet you, Y/N."

I returned his handshake, noticing the strength in a simple grip. "You, too, Clint. It's great to meet some more of Nat's Avenger family."

He snorted as he pulled away. "Is that what she calls us?"

"Shut up...," Nat mumbled as she busied herself with getting Clint a drink.

"Not exactly, but it's what you are, isn't it?" I said jokingly.

He shrugged, accepting the beer from Nat. "I guess."

Not much of a talker, I noted.

As we all took a seat on the couch and chairs, Nat warmed up the conversation between us all, filling the gaps when nobody knew what to say and making us all feel comfortable with one another. It was the most I'd seen her try, not in a bad way, but she usually had such a cool, collected manner that this was foreign to witness. But it made me realise how much she wanted this all to work between us, for whatever reason, so naturally I did, too.

Clint was a pretty laid back guy and gave off peak dad energy, so it wasn't hard to talk to him. I did feel like, at the start, he was weighing me up and deciding whether I was friend or foe, probably a natural reaction of an Avenger. Plus he'd known Nat the longest, so no doubt he was cautious of who she kept in her life.

He must have approved soon enough, since he loosened up and lost the curious stare as time went on. Yelena and Nat left at one point, going to check on the food, and I was left alone with Clint.

"She talked very highly of you, you know," he said in a low voice. "I can see why."

I took that as a compliment and scratched the back of my neck awkwardly. "Thanks, I think."

He smiled with amusement, reading my mind. "It's a compliment."

"Right..." I crossed my legs and returned his smile. "Well, she did the same of you. After all, you're the person who set her free."

"I wouldn't say that..."

I lost my smile as I looked to him seriously, gratefully. "Thank you for doing that, Clint. For getting her out when you did."

He shook his head, eyes avoiding mine out of embarrassment – he wasn't one for compliments himself. "I was just doing my job."

"Still."

He pressed his lips together thoughtfully, before glancing at me with apologetic eyes. "I'm sorry I couldn't get everyone else out sooner. You, included."

I shook my head, not even thinking about that. That wasn't what I meant at all. "You don't need to apologise. None of that was your responsibility. I'm just– I'm glad Nat had someone looking out for her when I couldn't anymore. Not that she ever needed it."

He chuckled quietly in agreement. "You're not wrong there. She's always been fine on her own."

"Dinner is served!" Yelena called from the kitchen, and I exchanged smiles with Clint as the two of us stood up.

We approached the table and saw a lovely spread of roasted vegetables, roasted lamb, mashed potatoes and gravy.

"Bon appetite," Yelena said, before motioning for us to sit down. "This was a joint effort."

"I did most of the work," Nat mumbled as she pulled up a seat beside me.

I held back a laugh as I took my seat, opposite Clint and Yelena. "It looks great, both of you. Thank you for going through all this effort for us."

"I second that," Clint agreed, looking between both sisters with a smile. "Can't wait to try it."

Nat did the honours of serving everyone's food and we all dug in. It was delicious to say the least, and the first time I'd ever tried Nat's cooking. She must have had more time for it over the years than I'd imagined.

The dinner went well, quite nicely actually, and it felt great to be able to enjoy conversation about the randomest of things whilst having some good food and drinks. Being nervous to meet Clint felt so silly now. I should have anticipated my nervousness to see Nat again to be honest.

I tried not to think about how her arm would brush mine whenever she'd take a bite of her food, or the tug in my stomach whenever she laughed quietly to herself at something someone said, or the way her eyes intensely met mine whenever I spoke. I tried not to think about any of it, but God it was hard. I'd like to think it was because I hadn't seen her in a while, but I knew it wasn't that.

It was never that.

By the time we finished eating and were simply lost in talking, the conversation moved onto the likes of the Avengers and the atmosphere changed slightly.

"They don't track my whereabouts, hence why I'm able to see you," Clint was saying in response to Nat's question about how he managed to get away from the government's prying eyes. "In all honesty, I think they think we hate each other. You know, since you tried to kick my ass."

Nat smirked. "I don't think you're remembering that correctly. I'm pretty sure I did kick your ass."

"Debatable."

Nat rolled her eyes before losing her smile. "What about the others? You been in touch?"

"I haven't spoken to anyone since... yeah," Clint answered with a sigh, looking to Nat. "Stark checks in every now and then. Sometimes asks about you."

Nat had her arms crossed over her chest, nodding slightly as she was listening. But she didn't say anything.

"Would you all ever reunite?" I asked curiously, looking to Clint since he was more likely to answer. "You know, get the band back together, that sort of thing?"

Clint shrugged, a humourless smile on his face. "Half the band is on the run, so... I don't know."

"Maybe if everything blew over," Nat finally spoke, and everyone looked her way; she was still staring at her empty dinner plate. "For now, probably not."

I still didn't entirely understand the whole Avengers thing. It was important to Natalia though, clearly, so I tried to be as supportive as I could.

"I'm sure it will," I said gently, offering her a small smile when she glanced up.

Sensing the shift in mood, she sat up straight in her seat and uncrossed her arms. "Never mind that." Her eyes fell to Clint. "Barton. How is the family? Laura? The kids?"

Clint automatically smiled at the mention of his family. "They're doing good, yeah. Miss their Auntie Nat."

Nat closed her eyes briefly, a smile on her lips. "I miss them, too. Maybe I can visit soon."

"I'm sure they'd love that," Clint said.

"Okay, but is she actually a good auntie?" Yelena asked between sips of her drink, glancing at Clint beside her. "I really can't imagine it."

Nat rolled her eyes as Clint chuckled.

"Surprisingly, yes," he answered honestly. "She's a natural with the kids. You wouldn't think she'd be built for the homestead life, but she makes it work."

"Okay, you, stop telling them my life story," Nat settled, pointing to Clint, before glaring at her laughing sister, "and you, shut up."

"What? I'm only saying it how it is!" Clint defended innocently as Yelena covered her mouth to stop laughing. "You're good at the traditional family thing, Romanoff. You ever think you're gonna take the plunge? Settle down?"

Nat rolled her eyes, though a humoured smirk was on her lips. "Me? Settle down? Who's going to want to settle down with a fugitive?"

Yelena, who had stopped laughing but was very close to starting up again, exchanged a knowing look with her sister. "I can think of some people."

Nat must have kicked her under the table since Yelena jumped, laughing all over again as Nat glared at her. I furrowed my eyebrows, wondering who those people were. The thought of someone settling down with Natalia, her being with someone... it made me feel sick. Jealous.

"I'm not sure," she answered Clint's initial question, looking to him. "I try not to think about it to be honest..."

I frowned to myself, looking down at my empty dinner plate. Being aware of how I was feeling was something I'd been working on the past year, and right now, I knew I didn't like the idea of Nat being with another person. Having a life with someone, being romantically involved with someone.

Someone that wasn't me.

"Sorry, I need to use the bathroom," I said suddenly, feeling uncomfortable the longer I sat there.

I ignored everyone's confused looks as I pushed my chair back and headed for the bathroom, needing a minute to clear my head and reign back my jealousy. It was so stupid to be jealous at a possible future Nat may or may not have. I had no right to be, but I couldn't help it.

Closing the door behind me once I reached the bathroom, I leaned against the sink and closed my eyes to release a deep breath. Maybe my feelings towards Nat were stronger than I'd realised...

I opened my eyes, startled, when I heard the door open.

"You–" I exhaled slowly, getting over my temporary fright. "You shouldn't be here."

Nat tilted her head like it was obvious, then closed the door behind her carefully. "How else was I going to make sure you were okay?" she asked, and for a split second, I saw the young blue-haired girl who had come to check on me back in the Red Room for the first time.

I licked my lips, chewing on the bottom one as I watched her quirk a brow with mild concern.

"Are you?" she asked softly.

It was always circles with her. I never knew where I stood, but then again, I never had. She'd always kept me close enough to want her, but far enough to never get her. Not unless she wanted to make the move. After all, what the golden child wants, the golden child gets.

For once, why couldn't I get what I wanted?

"Y/N–"

I stupidly took a leap of faith and stepped forward, pressing my lips to hers. My hand rested on her neck and I relaxed at the taste of peppermint, a taste I'd almost forgotten when it came to her. She seemed surprised, but then her hands rested on my waist and she squeezed gently, kissing me back.

When lack of oxygen became a problem, we reluctantly disconnected lips and I opened my eyes to be immediately submerged in seas of green. She was too close to make out any specific details, but I noticed the shade of pink dusting her cheeks and it warmed my heart, knowing I still had that effect on her.

"Sorry," I said breathlessly, but I don't think I was.

She shook her head. "I'm not."

I swallowed hard, my eyes drifting to her lips. Red lipstick was smudged slightly and I had no doubts where the remnants were. My hand moved up her neck, to her jaw, and my thumb traced the outline of her lips tenderly, just like I'd once done before. Same shape, same taste, same girl.

"I don't want you to settle down with someone," I admitted quietly, eyes rising to meet hers. "I want you. It's always been you, Natalia."

"There's nothing stopping either of us now," she said, eyes flickering between mine.

Had she wondered, too? What it could have been like if we'd gotten the future we'd dreamt up?

"Isn't there?" I asked, a small part of me expecting something to get in the way like it always had.

Her lips curved into a small smile that left me weak in the knees. "Not that I can think of."

She was right. And yet, I still worried.

"There's no rush," she assured me, sensing my reservations. "Only if you want to."

She didn't need to be explicit with her words, I knew she meant us. And I was still half in awe, wondering how I was lucky enough that she still wanted this after so long.

"Want to what?" I asked anyway, needing to hear her say it. "Actually be with you? After all this time? Isn't that crazy?"

Her thumb rubbed gently on my waist. "I don't think it is."

My heart was racing, thumping so loudly I prayed she couldn't hear it.

"Guys, are you coming back?!" Yelena called from inside, breaking our bubble momentarily. "We have dessert!"

After all this time, being with Natalia didn't seem like such an impossible thing anymore. And though I was terrified of what it could mean, I was learning to choose what I wanted and nobody else. And I wanted this.

"I don't think it is either," I muttered, swallowing down my nerves before kissing her once more.

"Guys!" Yelena called once more, and we had to break apart before she would decide to come and see what was happening for herself.

Nat tried not to laugh as we stepped back, then she raised her hand and swiped her thumb across my lips, it coming back with red lipstick.

"That's better," she said with sparkling eyes. "You should go in. I'll sort out my own lipstick and see you there."

I nodded, feeling like I was on cloud nine when she flashed me another smile. Heading back inside, I returned to my seat just in time for Yelena to set a chocolate cake in the centre of the table.

"Everything alright?" Clint asked with a quirked brow.

Trying very hard not to break out into a smile, I nodded. "Yeah. Just felt sick, but all good now. Nat is just washing her hands."

He nodded, seeming to believe me, and paid his attention back to Yelena as she served up a slice for everyone. Nat returned when Yelena had finished, and looked around.

"Sorry about that," she apologised with a smile. "What did I miss?"

Yelena pointed to the cake with her fork. "Cake."

"Chocolate," Clint added, making Nat roll her eyes playfully.

"It looks great, thank you," I said to Yelena gratefully, before glancing at Nat beside me. "Both of you."

Nat held my gaze a second longer than she should have, but enough to make me forget what I saying.

"Dig in!" Yelena ordered, and only then did I sigh upon realising the effect Nat still had on me.

She winked playfully, a teasing smirk on her lips, before digging into her food. I dug into my own, but not before feeling Nat's hand slip into mine under the table. She gave it a comforting squeeze and I realised, as I glanced around, that this was all I'd ever wanted. Enjoying a dinner with people I cared about, doing such a normal person thing and enjoying the evening.

Every bit of this moment was perfect, everything I'd fantasised about, including the stunning redhead sat beside me.

I'd finally fulfilled my dream. Completely.

————————

I was enjoying a lovely lie-in the morning after, sleeping off my exhaustion from the previous day, when a knock on my hotel door woke me up abruptly. I sat up at the noise, blinking as if there was an emergency.

Then I realised where I was, what was going on (kind of), and that someone was still knocking on the door. Who could that be? I was trying to–

Shit, it was Nat.

Still half asleep, I could vaguely remember what happened last night after Clint left. I'd helped Yelena and Nat clear up before Nat said she wanted to see me tomorrow morning, as in today, and I'd agreed. Though I'd definitely forgot to set an alarm and now I had to see her looking like shit. Great.

Trying to look slightly more presentable in the mirror and questioning why I had suddenly become that girl, I rushed over to answer the door, hoping I looked less tired.

"Hey," I said when I opened the door, seeing the beautiful smile on her face and the two cups of coffee in her hands.

"Good morning," she said, eyes looking me up and down before her smile turned into an amused smirk. "You totally forgot I was coming, didn't you?"

I scrunched my face up, giving in. "Maybe."

She chuckled as I stepped to the side to let her in. "Of course. Well, I brought you a coffee anyway. I assumed you were ready, but I'm happy to wait around. Thought we could go out for breakfast if you want?"

"Thank you," I said, closing the door and turning around to see her stifling a smile. "And I'd like that, yeah. I just need to..." I glanced down at my joggers and tee shirt. "Get ready."

"Take your time," she said, sitting on the couch and setting both coffees down.

"Is Yelena okay not being invited?" I asked, hoping it wouldn't bother her.

"Yeah, she's okay with it. She's happy for us to spend the day together."

I quirked a brow. "The day?"

Nat cleared her throat, avoiding my eyes with embarrassment. "I mean, if you want to obviously."

Smiling now, I took advantage of the upper hand. "Hmm, I'm not too sure. I kind of already had plans."

Knowing what I was doing, she shot me an unimpressed look. "You're really gonna do that when you've got a drool mark on your shirt?"

My eyes widened and I lost my smile, looking down to my shirt. I'd like to say she was kidding to annoy me, but there was indeed a small drool mark on my shirt. Covering it with both hands, I avoided her eyes.

"Don't look!" I exclaimed, before leaving to go and change asap.

I heard her laughter from the other room and was definitely awake now. She'd seen me look a mess many times – after all, we'd grown up together – but now that she liked me as more than a friend, I actually cared about how she saw me. And in my pyjamas with a stained shirt, eye buggers and messy hair wasn't the plan.

After spending some time getting ready and drinking off Nat's coffee to wake myself up some more, I was ready to go. It was risky with her being in New York, considering someone could recognise her as an Avenger which would get her found out, but she seemed to know the best ways to blend in and the best places to eat.

We ended up at a cute café that served some killer waffles and pancakes, and were sat at a corner booth away from prying eyes after ordering our breakfast.

She smiled at the waitress as she left with our order and I leaned back, watching her with a small smile. Would there ever be a time when she didn't look so mesmerising? It wasn't a regular beauty that you saw in magazines or on runways, it was a different kind. I just hadn't pinpointed it yet, even after all this time.

"So," I started, making her eyes flicker to mine across the table, "what happens now?"

We hadn't spoken much of what we were since last night, as there had always been something in the way and this was the first time we'd truly been alone. She seemed to know what I was referring to and, thankfully, didn't play dumb.

"Well, I was hoping that I could spend the week with you," she said in her sultry deep voice that always made me nervous.

"Obviously," I said, luckily without stuttering. That was my plan anyway, whether I'd kissed her or not.

"This can be whatever we want it to be," she continued, before motioning to me with her hand as she spoke, "but you're free to make your own choices and it's up to you what you want."

I didn't look away as I said, "I meant it when I said it's always been you, Nat."

At this, she pressed her lips together as she looked across at me, eyes softening. Her hand rested on the table between us, palm facing the ceiling, and I rested my hand in hers, squeezing it gently. We didn't let go.

"I really missed you when I left," she said faintly. "It's always been you, too, Y/N. I'm sorry I never showed you that."

My insides felt like they were melting at her words, both out of being touched by her statement and feeling bad that I'd made her feel bad for not showing it.

"You don't need to apologise," I assured her, thumb rubbing her skin gently. "It was a lot, all of it. Everything we went through... you didn't owe me a thing."

She grimaced slightly, as if disagreeing, but then said, "We don't have to talk about any of this now. I just want to spend time with you this week. Do everything we could have done together. Without having to be secretive. Without worrying about getting in trouble. Just us. Just like it used to be."

And as she watched me with determined eyes, jaw set firmly, lips pursed, I realised something. Startlingly beautiful, that's what she was.

"Just us," I repeated in agreement, before smiling. "I'd like that."

She mirrored my expression and my heart fluttered in my chest. This week was only all I'd been waiting for all my life.

#marvel #marvel imagine #mcu #mcu imagine #natasha romanoff imagine #natasha romanoff x you #natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff #black widow x you #black widow x reader #black widow imagine #black widow #scarlett johansson

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dreamiesdotcom · 3 years

Text

celestial | h.rj

Summary: To attribute full sight and still have the ability to describe things to someone who's never seen them means that you've felt the world deeper than anybody else.

Word count: 2164

a/n: idk whats up with me and midnights

Renjun's first question goes like this: "What does the pool look like?"

Naturally, Jeno panics; how do you explain a pool to someone who's never seen it? He's been so used to seeing it on a daily that he didn't even pay mind to the details. He debates on describing a rectangle, and then describing the waters, and then whatever the hell his 12-year-old mind could come up with. Naturally, he fails.

For him, you saved everything that day. You grabbed Renjun's hand, intertwining your fingers before grazing the water. "Do you feel that?"

"What exactly am I supposed to feel?"

"The water. Do you feel that constant flow and the relaxing cold?" you laughed then, patient even for the moody boy. He huffs out his cheeks and nods, you let go of his hands. "That's blue, Renjun. The water reflects the sky, and a pool is like a little ocean. An ocean is like a world filled with blue."

He tries to think of it, vast and endless fields of freedom. He couldn't, though; all he's known about the sky is that it was blue, and that blue is associated with sadness. He takes advantage of the fact that someone's willing to answer his question, and he asks again, "Is it scary?"

"Mhm, for some, it is. I'll let you in a secret, come here." You nod, and then he tilts his head to the side. He hears a splash, and doesn't expect it once he hears your voice after — "I'm actually scared of swimming pools."

"Didn't you just go in?"

"No, that was Jeno. I'm here." You poked a finger on his left arm, and he could tell you're wearing that cheeky grin. His stance softens. "I'm just beside you."

###

It was morning, the sun was shining and the scorching summer heat was kinder than everyone expected it to be. Somewhere around the room, Chenle and Jisung successfully trapped a sleeping Jaemin in a domino prison, Jeno's trying to convince them why this is such a bad idea and Mark is getting scolded by Hyuck. The TV fades to background noise, the plan of cooking extra pancakes long forgotten. Renjun leans his head on your shoulders, "What does the night look like?"

It felt like an odd question to ask as the sun is halfway to its peak, but Renjun's curiosity piques in no time. You hum for a bit to think, "The night is very different to a lot of people."

Very different for a lot of people... yeah, many things in the world are like that. He figured it out years ago when you told him about the swimming pools, and the airplanes, and the rollercoasters. He figured it out when you talked to him about books, when you taught him about colors, about shapes.

He still doesn't know what different looks like, and what importance it holds.

"Hyuck loves the night. You hear his laughter, right? He likes going on adventures and feeling the wind. I think, to him, the night looks like a harsh passing of the breeze you felt when we went out on a drive." He takes in your words. These days, he gets better with understanding metaphors — he learned that blue is not just a shade of sadness, and that sky doesn't always mean blue — he understands your words better. "But me... I just sleep. I don't like the night very much."

"Huh?"

"Have you ever been in a silent place, Jun?" you asked softly. "Not the silence you can fill with music. I'm talking about blank, emotionless silence; the one that echoes. The one that haunts you. The one that makes you feel alone. That's what the night looks like for me."

Renjun wanted to nod, and he wanted to say yes because he's been in that silent place for the longest time. It's all he's ever known, and it's all that he's ever seen; it's the only thing he sees — black, echoing, loud nothingness.

He didn't, though.

Instead, he asks a question, "What do you think about the night?"

"I think it's a question." comes quickly in a reply. "I still don't know how a nightmare town gives life to dreamers, but it does. It's a question I do not want to know the answer to."

Renjun knows of the stars and the sky, and you'd tried to explain their light by telling him what blinding comfort was — think of all your loneliest moments being washed away by the fire I told you about, and that's pretty much it, 'jun — and he knows of the big, gazing moon that changes shape now and then. It's what makes up most of the night, Jeno had said, so he knows that too.

What he doesn't know is why it seems so vicious to you, and what he doesn't know is that if he could see, would he have chosen to close his eyes to not witness such complex sadness.

###

It's at times like this when solace blooms in his heart. The rest of the world seems to be fast asleep, but he's so awake, so aware, so alive. You sit beside him, yet again brought him to the place you and Jaemin frequents in, and he ignores the jealous feeling in his chest. It's at times like this that Renjun realizes he's falling.

"Your smile must look beautiful," he wonders out loud. "Can you please tell me how your smile looks like?"

"Me?" You replied nonchalantly. Your chuckle passes as cold as the night breeze, and he wonders how the poet would write themselves as poetry. The blankness of your words dulls the hope in his eyes, "I... don't like it. My eyes... they always look tired. I always look tired. I hate myself."

For a moment, he dwells on his thoughts — Jaemin's brought you here, and you're more frequent here together, and he's seen how you looked against the glimmering stars. Did he fall in love? Did he want to keep you all to himself, like a little secret? Did he want to kiss you until all spite of yourself vanishes from your soul? Jaemin must've, Renjun knows. He knows because even blind, he's aware of how beautiful you truly are; not only he's heard it from his friends, but he feels it strongly. He couldn't see the city lights that he's heard of so many times, but he knows you shine brighter than them.

Hell, he couldn't even see you — he couldn't even see anything, but he knows you do. He knows you are. You think he's wrong, that he's more gorgeous, but he reaches for your hands.

He doesn't know what beautiful looks like. He just knows that it's breath-taking, soul-stealing, ethereal, and you.

"I think you smile like euphoria. I think you smile like the sound of music boxes, those with lovely tunes," he says, eyes closed and breathing fast. "I think... "

'I love you.' oh, how he wished it's easy to say those words. He purses his lips. "...you're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, right next to my mother."

Beside him, you chuckled and held his hands. "You're sleepy."

"I am. Right now, I'm sleepy and I know you're beautiful." He squeezes your hands, looking at the direction he knows you're at. He lets out a shaky smile, "Tomorrow, I will be wide awake and I'd still think you're stunning."

It's at times like this that Renjun realizes he's falling. It's at times like this that he fears how much he can't wait to crash.

###

Renjun's biggest fear among many is that he'll never feel like this again.

He fell too hard. He fell too quickly and too harshly and he's only noticing it now when the impact makes itself known and he couldn't stand up. He knew that he was scared, he knew that he was afraid then, but only now did he know what it truly meant to be terrified; when he's sitting beside you on the roof, feeling the wind pass by, and he couldn't help but wonder what if it's not us, but I can never love the person meant for me because they're not you?

It's a silly thing, maybe. He did not believe in many things and fate is not one of the few he believed in. He thinks that love is something you choose for yourself — it's something you decide on your own. He thinks that the only problem in 'not being made for each other' is that you relied too much on what the stars wrote, and didn't write your story on your own. What even are these stars, aside from unknown giant speckles of light? Why should they decide someone's life?

He adores them, he knows, and now he can't help his curiosity: "How do the stars look like tonight?"

"They're bright. Very bright."

He swoons at the content sigh you let out before speaking, and he lets himself indulge. It's at moments like this when he lets himself feel, where he relishes in the adoration he nestles.

"They ought to be," he whispers to himself. "They gotta be bright if they're trying to outshine you."

Giggles fades to laughter, and genuine words burn forced. He could almost taste the bitterness of your words, "You haven't seen me."

Does he need to?

"I don't need to," he concludes. "There's so much more to you than what I couldn't see."

Because it's true. All those years you held this something in you, a piece of an old soul and an unknown heavenly something you ignored just so you could spite yourself. You had this way with words, this certain understanding of the world that he's never found in someone else. Renjun thinks that to attribute full sight and still have the ability to describe things to someone who's never seen them means that you've felt the world deeper than anybody else, and to know that the world is cruel but still choose to keep your eyes open is something that should be admired.

Right now, you're the closest to him you've ever been, and he bathes in the feeling of your lips hovering above his.

"I'm a mess, Huang Renjun."

"You're an art in progress," he whispers back, eyes fluttering shut as you close what little distance you have left. "But even half-made, you're a masterpiece."

###

If somebody asked Renjun if he ever saw this coming, he'd say "Why the fuck would you even ask me that question?"

Alright, jokes aside, never in his mind did he think life would turn out this way. First of all, a lot of unexpected things have already happened, but he's stubborn so of course, that doesn't convince him. He should've felt it coming, but of course, he refused to. After all, why would he even think of his best friend laying beside him on his bed, talking about random things all night in every way domestic? Why would he even think of you two being together, whispering sweet nothings to each other? He's guilty of doing those, yes, but that doesn't mean that he knows the answer. In a spur of the moment decision, he asks another question — "Why'd you choose me?"

"You're the only one who wanted me—IT'S A JOKE! Hey, hey, I was only kidding," you laugh, finding so many things entertaining about the fact that he's unamused. He preens at the soft kiss you placed on the edge of his lips, and then even more when you whisper, "You're the only one I wanted."

Normally, this is where his heart would do those weird flips and antics. This is the time where he'd feel like he's in another world, like he's invincible and oh so lucky to be thoroughly adored by the person he loves so much.

It's only that sometimes, Renjun feels unreasonable. He's sensitive and insecure and it's so much easier to find flaws in himself than to appreciate the things that made him who he is. Sometimes, he needs to ask some things he's not exactly sure of, things much like: "Even with... even with my eyes... like this?"

And it's you, and it's never dull when it's with you, everything is always beautiful and poetic. He doesn't know where that voice was coming from, but he hears it in his mind, and it tells him to trust you.

A butterfly kiss on each of his eyelids. A hand warm on the top of his hands. The rain pours heavily outside but it's muffled enough that it's calming, and all that he can think of is warm, so warm, so loved. You hold your foreheads close and keep them close for seconds, before you press a soft kiss on his lips, "Your eyes are beautiful, my love."

And for once, Renjun's not afraid to ask — "How do they look like?"

Beautiful and so much more.

"As if something straight out of a magical dream, because you are. You are magical," you whisper, breathing in slow intervals. "You are the closest to celestial a human could be."

#nct dream #nct dream drabbles #nct dream blurbs #nct dream scenarios #nct dream imagines #nct dream x reader #nct dream one shots #nct dream fluff #renjun #renjun drabbles #renjun scenarios #renjun blurbs #renjun timestamps #renjun angst #renjun fluff #renjun imagines #blind!renjun

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deltaengineering · 3 years

Text

Spring Anime 2021: Embarrassment of Riches

So this current anime season absolutely stinks, which just makes the last one look even more impressive. Well, maybe not all of it...

Zombieland Saga Revenge

First off, you don't need to tell me that the following is a severe outlier opinion. We good? Ok. ZLSR is, in a word, subpar. I liked S1 back in the day, but it was already in the process of getting lazy towards the end. S2 continues this trend and is basically just another idol show. And as someone who actually does watch other idol shows I have to say that it's not a particularly good one of those either. The zombie gimmick has mostly stopped mattering and we're just doing what every idol show does, only with the odd occasional sight gag. The alleged subversive qualities mostly amount to a flashback for Yuugiri, which is admittedly the best part of the show but feels like it barely has anything to do with anything. Apart from that, it's a bunch of generic idol plots, rehashed character beats, shoddy attempts at twists (while not connecting to any setups from S1), and the obligatory "idols give us hope" ending, which is terribly hackneyed and flat out bad. Tae gets further memed into the ground, because of course she does. And there's stuff that was simply never good to begin with, like Kotarou and his comedy schtick, which gets truly insufferable now that there's no qualities to distract from it. It really makes me think that S1 wasn't even all that good to begin with and seems like an attempt to turn this surprise success into an easy money longrunner with no edge and no ambitions. "The idol show for people who don't watch idol shows" indeed, but not the way you mean it. 4/10

Bakuten

But not to dwell on the failures, with the second show we're already above the cut — barely. This one got my attention with its really impressive performance scenes early on and it totally sticks to that, which is even more impressive. But besides that? Well, this is by far the most predictable show in a season where I watched an unambitious Kiraralike and put ZLS on blast for having no ideas. The characters are a mixed bag, some are cool (Shida, Asawo), some are very annoying (Mashiro), but those are the supports. The main cast is extremely one-dimensional, which is fine until they try to heap a ton of pathos on their lead, which doesn't go well. But I guess execution matters, and Bakuten is slick enough to get by. Writing this down in stark daylight I feel like I overrated this show somewhat (I actually put it over the next one originally, which definitely doesn't hold up when thinking about it), but I was indeed mostly entertained. 6/10

Yakunara Mug Cup mo

Yeah. Of course Mug Cup definitely doesn't invent or subvert anything either, but it's a pretty good Kiraralike that's always entertaining to watch. Explaining the qualities of such a nothing genre is as difficult as ever, but it mostly comes down to me liking the characters and it having nothing to annoy me. It's shorter than normal, which is a plus for slim shows like this. And yeah, you can make an excessive amount of dick jokes with the clay fondling. That helps too. Looks are just fine, pleasant but nothing out of the ordinary. Comfy low-effort anime. 6/10

Vivy: Fluorite Eye's Song

This one is decent, but sadly still a major letdown. Because the first few episodes of Vivy were excellent and kicked ass, but then it became increasingly clear that the writing can't cash the checks the ideas wrote while the action starts running into severely diminishing returns. Vivy just keeps slowly getting worse and worse as it goes on, not by a huge amount each episode but by the end there's a pretty sizeable gulf between potential and result. Going into detail would probably be a little much for this venue because there's a lot, but from the top level view the issue is that while Vivy has good fundamental ideas and steals at the right places, it just isn't a smart show — it's schlock, and by the end, poorly thought out schlock that tries to smooth out every problem with liberal application of the big feels hammer and le epic twist at that. Yeah, couldn't tell that the Re:Zero dude was aboard here, for sure. That said, it still works pretty well as entertaining schlock that is not to be taken too seriously, and the characters are generally just very fun to watch even when they're doing stupid things. Still, I can't in good conscience rate this higher than Beatless, a show that looks like butt but properly executes on its ideas. 6/10

Super Cub

So this is 100% a Honda commercial, and I got really mad a Yuru Camp last season for being a blatant shill. Yet I'm feeling this, what gives? I think the main difference is that Super Cub is specifically a commercial for one product (and a very iconic product at that), while Yuru Camp is so all over the place that it ends up mostly a commercial for consumerism in general. And when Super Cub goes too hard on the product (which it does), it's at least pretty entertaining. That's something about Super Cub in general: It goes hard. Your regular Kiraralike this is not, because it's uncommonly slow, focused and moody - yes, it almost measures up to Yuru Camp at its best and demolishes it at its worst. Also, it's just extremely amusing to see sadblob Koguma grow a huge grizzly biker beard and become a badass outlaw dad to her goofy wife and cute daughter, all thanks to the power of afforable personal transportation. Needless to say, that can get unintentionally silly, but Super Cub has so much charm that it doesn't matter — it's great when it's good and still funny when it's not. 7/10

Shadows House

Shadows House turned up with a lot of potential, and I have to say it at least delivered on most of it. It has some problems; notably I'm not a fan of how the entire middle turned out to be a tournament arc of sorts that seems curiously inspired by Resident Evil memes, crest-shaped intentations and boulder punching included. I also think that this is a show that would be perfectly fine without explaining much, but I guess it is a shounen manga after all so we got dumped on eventually anyway. At least that came late - close relative Promised Neverland didn't show that much restraint. Shadows House is generally well written though, with great characters, interesting interactions and a great hook. But what really makes it memorable is that it's exceptionally good at the cute/creepy contrast, something that is often tried but rarely works as well as here, with great character designs and very appropriate production. I hope this gets a sequel, because it seems like it's just getting started. 7/10

SSSS.Dynazenon

Coming in with a fondness for Gridman, Dynazenon didn't have to do much to convince me. The surprise though is that it's not a rehash even if it's basically the same show, a character drama where occasionally huge and goofy fights break out. Dynazenon is Gridman done better, and the interesting part is how it accomplishes this - mainly by being far more conventional. I do appreciate that Gridman went for something weird and almost experimental, but that only really paid off towards the end while most of the show was a distraction/holding pattern. It just didn't feel like there was enough material for a full series there, more like a movie maybe, if even that. Dynazenon fixes this by just being a TV show, with an actual cast of characters that each have their own arc. And by spreading the material this way, Dynazenon ends up having a lot more nuance than its intensely focused predecessor, while having the same themes and not actually being any deeper. In a way, Gridman ends up looking like the spinoff in retrospect, while Dynazenon is the full package. 8/10

Thunderbolt Fantasy S3

So how good was this season? So good that Thunderbolt Fantasy doesn't end up at the top, that's how. And all the elements that made Tbolt such a sure thing are still there, big hammy puppets doing stunts and scheming never gets old. However, I do have to note that at this point, the writing appears to have gotten too comfortable. I don't expect it to ever top the amazing S1 ending, but at this point it's like Tbolt has stopped trying to deliver on endings at all and seems in the process of retooling itself into a longrunner instead. Barely anything gets resolved in S3 (the climax is that the climax of S2 is resolved again, for good this time... maybe), and everything else is just setting up plotpoints for the next season. Tbolt is truly lucky that it doesn't actually need to resolve anything to be a great time, but at this point I have to say that I'd appreciate it if they wrapped it up with S4. 8/10

Nomad: Megalobox 2

Speaking of sequels to shows I liked, Nomad doesn't so much improve upon its predecessor but steamrolls right over it. This is a tall order, since Megalobox was surprisingly good for a sports shounen and had a real nice, heartwarming ending that Nomad instantly negates for purposes of drama and everyone being extremely miserable. That sounds like a pretty terrible idea - and it would be, if Nomad wasn't as excellent as it is. To call it not the same show would be an understatement, because it's a true sequel, not just the same characters doing their thing some more, or new characters doing the same thing as the old ones did. Indeed my biggest problem with Megalobox was that it still closely adhered to its genre template and was very predictable; Nomad fixes this issue thoroughly. Nomad is about questioning what being a hotblooded shounen protagonist eventually leads you to, and how to fix everything you screwed up by being one. You could call it a deconstruction, but that term has been so abused for cynical, edgy "thing you like actually sucks" takes that I feel like it doesn't really fit here. Nomad isn't cynical at all, it's just a character drama about some boxers past their prime, and it being a sequel to a show that is indeed rather formulaic just enhances the experience. My biggest issue with it was that I really like what they did with Joe in this story, so the big focus on Mac's backstory felt like a distraction for a long time. But in the end that turned out to be absolutely necessary to make the ending work. The ending's just great, by the way, and I shall say not more about it. 9/10

Odd Taxi

Yeah boy, here's the show that has apparently become somewhat of a "greatest show you didn't watch" meme, which I can feel smug about because I don't need YouTubers to tell me what's good and followed this from day one. Anyway, Odd Taxi is indeed great, the greatest show in a few years even. What starts out as seemingly a relaxed hangout show in the vein of Midnight Diners quickly turns into a psychological murder mystery while never losing its quirky humor. The character writing is outstanding, with even small bit players being on a level that the average anime wishes it could have for leads. And the rollout of the mystery is exemplary, with answers given and new questions raised every episode with a satisfying and logical payoff in the end. This is also the rare anime that has rock solid production from the first to the last second; it's never really flashy but excellently done and highly consistent nonetheless. And the music just owns. I have a few complaints, mainly that there's a few logical weaknesses in the story (which wouldn't even register in a lesser show, but sticks out here since the rest is so immaculately constructed) and that the ending overextends on the emotions when the rest of the show is so reserved and dry in comparison. But those are only the reasons why I didn't give it perfect marks, and I almost did that anyway. 9/10

#Zombieland Saga #bakuten #yakunara mug cup mo #vivy: fluorite eye's song #super cub #shadows house #ssss.dynazenon #thunderbolt fantasy #nomad megalo box #odd taxi #anime #review #spring2021

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hannie-dul-set · 4 years

Text

saturday came rolling by quicker than you'd expected.

standing near the entrance of the rather expensive restaurant (you swore that even the plants by the door are worth more than everything you were wearing combined) you opened your phone, double checking to make sure you were at the right place that jaehyun's mother messaged you.

admittedly, it was a bit weird that you were hanging our with your new friend's mother whithout the knowledge of that said friend, but even if you wanted to back out, you couldn't because it would be rude to do so.

you returned your phone back into your white sling bag after confirming that this was indeed the place and made your way into the entrance, the restaurant's guard opening the door for you.

the moment you stepped in, you started to feel a bit self conscious. you were only wearing a simple navy blue wrap dress underneath a cream cardigan and a pair of sandals to match— deeming you absolutely out of place inside the fancy interior of the establishment.

to the eyes of the occupants of the restaurant, you probably looked like a lost puppy considering your attire and the fact that you had no idea where the hell mrs. jung was.

"miss, can i help you?"

your search was interrupted by one of the waiters, you assumed.

"oh, um, i'm looking for mrs. jung..?"

were you supposed to say that? at that point you didn't even care— you just wanted this whole lunch thing over and done with.

"ah, then you must be y/n l/n, correct?" you were slightly confused, but you nodded anyway.

"follow me, miss."

and so you did, carefully treading along the restaurant floor. you were afraid if you even breathe in the wrong direction, you'd end up breaking one of the many expensive decorations littered all around the place.

the waiter lead you to a secluded part of the restaurant. sunlight was beaming into the large arch windows that were adorning the walls and there were only three tables set up, all of which were unoccupied save for the one at the very end.

as you moved further inside, the two people that were sitting at the last table had noticed you and the waiter walking in. their heads turned towards your direction and you stopped in your tracks.

one of them was mrs. jung, obviously, but the other one you weren't quite expecting.

"miss y/n?"

"jaehyun?"

amidst your shock, the waiter had already left, leaving the three of you alone. your eyes were frozen stuck on jaehyun dozens of question marks floating around his head.

you were confused, but then you remembered that this was her son, of course he'd be here. but couldn't she at least have told you?

"y/n, dear, it's good that you've finally joined us! i was worried that you wouldn't come."

jaehyun was the first to snap back into reality. he diverted his attention from you to his mother.

"mother," you couldn't pinpoint the exact emotion he was carrying in his voice. "care to explain why miss y/n is here?"

"i invited her, of course," mrs. jung seemed to be completely unbothered by not so pleasant demeanor that her son was baring.

"sorry, i can just leave if you'd like," the atmosphere was unbearably uncomfortable and you'd much rather just leave if you could. you gave them a small bow before turning your heels, hand clutching your bag as you were about to leave.

"no, it's alright—" the screeching of a chair was heard and you felt a hand grab onto your arm, preventing you from moving forward. you turned around and you were met with a rather frantic looking jaehyun. "you can stay."

eyes wide from the sudden close proximity, your gaze moved back and forth from jaehyun's very very close face to his hand that was holding onto you— you could feel the heat slowly rising to your cheeks.

jaehyun must've noticed the situation that you two were in and he let go of you hurriedly, a coughing out a small sorry in the process. from the corner of your eye you could see his mother looking at the both of you with an amusement in her face. mostly because of his son's absolutely uncharacteristic behavior but you weren't aware of that.

"i apologize if my words sounded rude," jaehyun started, finally managing to get himself back together. "it wasn't my intention to send you away— i was just surprised to see you again."

"no it's okay," you gave him a smile of assurance and he visibly relaxed.

you nearly forgot that his mother was actually here (not to mention she was the one who invited you) until you heard her speak up.

"maybe i'm the one who should be leaving?" she teased, jaehyun giving her a disapproving look.

"you're staying. i believe you still have some explaining to do, mother."

much to your surprise, lunch went a lot better that you'd expected, especially taking into account the prior events that took place. mrs. jung eventually told jaehyun everything— the fact that she contacted you last time as well as her reasonings. jaehyun wasn't really upset that his mother was trying to set you two up, he was absolutely flustered to the highest point— cheeks flaring and avoiding eye contact from you as much as possible, you couldn't help but laugh at him, furthering his embarrassment.

"i apologize for my mother's behavior," he tells you (although, his eyes were looking everywhere else except for you).

the evident unease that was present earlier was replaced with comfortable air to which you were surprised, but nevertheless you were thankful. the conversation went on until the topic eventually landed on you.

"y/n," jaehyun's mom started, taking a sip from her peach-colored drink before continuing. "i realized i never got to ask your age."

"ah, i'm turning twenty-one this year," you replied, earning a hum from the older woman.

jaehyun places down his fork, diverting his attention towards you instead. "you must be in school then. do you mind me asking what your major is?"

"oh, no i'm not, actually,"

you continued to eat your food (you asked jaehyun what it was called but it your ears failed to understand the rich language) while the two of your companions promptly stopped, expecting you to continue. the sudden attention directed on you was a bit discomforting, so you placed your utensils down and wiped your lips with the napkin available.

"i can't really afford college so i'm still trying to save."

"what about your parents?" jaehyun asked, concern lacing his voice. "shouldn't they be the one's supporting you?"

"they sort of abandoned me after i graduated high school," you reply, staring at the untouched drink in front of you. "so i had to do things on my own from there."

you didn't really have a problem talking about your situation— you'd always been one to believe that all things happen for a reason, so you don't hold anything against your parents. you were never one to dwell on things; you'd rather choose to just keep on moving forward no matter how many setbacks you encounter. but of course, even though you had moved, emotions from the past sometimes resurface.

"i'm so sorry to hear that, sweetie," mrs. jung tried to sympathize with you. "i hope you're not too uncomfortable talking about this."

"no, it's okay, i've moved on," you pressed your lips together into a smile. "and although i'm not exactly in the best place financially, i'm pretty happy with my life right now. the experiences i've gathered and all of the wonderful people i've met— i'm very thankful for all of that."

after your mini speech, you looked over to jaehyun, who was looking at you with an expression that you weren't able to pinpoint.

"you really are an amazing person, miss y/n."

the words that left jaehyun's lips left you stunned, unable to think of a response. he might've said this to you through chat but this time he was looking at you— looking at you so so intently that you lost your entire train of thought.

"oh— um, thanks," you managed to sputter out before going back to your food.

"you know, dear, i'd be more than willing to help you with your financial situation right now," jaehyun's mother says and you politely decline.

"no, no, it's okay! i've saved up quite a bit already, and on top of my many part time jobs, my art has been doing pretty well recently," you explain. "i don't think it would be right for me to take money from you."

mrs. jung thinks momentarily before speaking up. "art? are you an artist, y/n?"

"i remember her mentioning it to me at one point," jaehyun joins in the conversation.

"well... i'm not exactly well known but i do a bit of freelance work here and there," you meekly mumbled. "i also do commissions."

until now, you couldn't tell what exactly was going on in jaehyun's head, but mrs. jung seems to be elated from your words.

"that sounds wonderful, dear!" jaehyun's mother beamed. "if you aren't too busy, i'd like to commission you, as well."

"really?"

you perked up from hearing her suggestion. you still had a few paintings lined up to be finished, but you'd be a fool to pass up on this opportunity.

"i still have some things to work on," you began. "but if you could wait until those are finished, then i see no problem!"

"there's no rush, dear! work on it as you see fit— we can discuss the details privately in a later time."

"alright, thank you so much, mrs. jung! i'll be sure not to disappoint you."

the day went on and the lunch you spent with the two jung's was over. after bidding then goodbye and thanking them for the nice meal, jaehyun had insistently offered to drive you home, but you politely declined, saying that you can just take the bus instead.

sitting on one of the benches at the bus stop, you pulled out your ear buds, deciding to listen to music as you waited. today wasn't as bad as you expected. jungwoo and haechan were wrong about mrs. jung— she may be a bit excessive and a bit too evasive regarding her son's affairs, she seemed like a genuine and sweet lady, none the less.

amidst your thoughts, you felt someone sitting beside you so you instinctively scooted away. you heard a cough from the said person, so you looked over to them. surprised, you pulled your ear buds away.

"jaehyun?"

"miss y/n," he looked at you. "i would like to formally apologize for my mother's behavior— she tends to cross boundaries without meaning to, i hope you don't take anything against her."

to be honest, you never expected jaehyun to run after you. it appears that the tables have turned seeing that he looks extremely out of place in his expensive looking coat inside the vicinity of the run-down bus stop. jaehyun still looked a bit embarrassed talking about it seeing that his face was painted a light dust of pink, causing a mirthful laugh to bubble in your throat.

"it's okay," you smiled at him in assurance. "i was definitely caught off guard, but i can see that your mother doesn't have any ill intentions."

jaehyun let out a sigh, visibly easing up upon your response.

"thank you for understanding," he gave a you smile and you were taken aback— jung jaehyun smiled at you for the first time that day and holy shit he has dimples.

before you can conjure up a response, the bus came into view and you stood up in haste, moving closer into the street. as the vehicle neared, you looked behind to see that jaehyun was now on his feet but he was yet to leave. the both of you made eye contact and you grinned at him.

"i'll be going now, jaehyun. thank you for today!"

his expression mirrored yours, hands snugly tucked into the pockets of his coat.

"likewise, miss y/n."

you curtly nodded before finally entering the bus. as you sat down, you looked outside the window only to see jaehyun still in the same position as before but he had his phone in his hand, fingers tapping away at the screen. he noticed you looking at him, giving you a small wave before walking away.

your phone buzzed from inside your back and you quickly took it out. a laugh escaped your lips and a wide smile blossomed into your face.

gold painted canvas

the classic rich boy and poor girl love story but with less prejudice and more happiness

13 // safe ride home

a/n: written part!! :D pls enjoy hehet <3

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yeongwvnhi · 3 years

Text

》만나다《

Supernatural creatures AU

Taglist (send an ask if you want to be added): @twancingyunhoe @vickylamore @glxwingstar @se0--0ho @seohospepe

Genre: angst!!, fluff, suggestive

Rating: 16+

General Warnings: Supernatural creatures (vampires, werewolves etc), blood, violence, weapons, language, death, poisoning and just dark themes in general.

Chapter Specific Warnings: mentions of a funeral and a mortuary,talking about death, blood and talking about internal bleeding, needles, refusing to eat (mentioned once), talking about cause and time of death (mentioned once), mentions of a lack of anatomical activity, lots of crying lol

Pairing: ONEUS x fem reader 》 choose your ending

Synopsis: somehow you came back to life just about a day after dying, scaring the poor guys who work at the mortuary one late night as you flee, not knowing where to go before they found you.

Word count: 3k [thanks to @moongaera for beta-reading <3]

–> for reference: Y/N - Your Name,, N/N - Nickname

》Previous《》Next《》Masterlist《

》><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><《

"Hyung, stop thinking about what could have been" Leedo interrupts the sorcerer's train of thoughts. "I know what you're thinking and it's not your fault. No one is mad at you for failing. You tried your best"

Seoho remains silent and Leedo sighs, the two of them making their way back to their residence.

"Oh you're ba- What happened?!" The owner of the house greets them first, almost losing it at the smell of blood and the way the two men's hands are covered in the now dark red/brown-ish substance.

"Seoho Hyung was asked to try and save someone, but turns out the poor girl got so heavily poisoned he was powerless" Leedo explains. "I'll explain to you in a bit, we're just gonna go and wash up"

The man just nods and watches the two of them walk away with pity swimming in his eyes. He knows how much it hurts his friend to not be able to help someone who so desperately needs it.

—

"Hwanseok.." your mother speaks and puts her hands on your father's shoulders. "We should… organize Y/N's funeral"

Yongjun hasn't come out of his room again after Haeryeong explained to him that you, his older sister he looked up to, has died.

Your father just nods, knowing he has to let go.

So about an hour later a van from the city's mortuary came and got your body. Your parents filled out all the papers regarding your burial and watched as the workers drove away.

—

Everything was pitch black and so… cold. But not the kind of cold that made you shiver, no, that type of cold that keeps you cool but at just the right temperature. It's hard to describe, yet you found comfort in it.

It's like you're dreaming of nothing but that nothing was still something.

And you felt heavy. So damn heavy that you can't move a muscle, it's like you're paralyzed.

The only thing that indicates you're still somehow awake were the distant voices. You couldn't differentiate them except for one deep voice.

After that, you kinda flaked out and now you were just confused. What was happening? and why couldn't you wake up or anything? Because it felt like an eternity.

—

"J-Junghwa please tell us you're pulling a sick prank on us right now" a close friend of yours says with a shaky voice.

"Yeah! No way- No way did that happen!" Hae-in also says, tears welling up in her eyes. "You were with her, what happened?!"

Junghwa rubs his face and looks at the three girls in front of him. "I'm telling the truth - I swear I am! I had to get the Necromancer but even his efforts were in vain. She died and her parents probably already had someone pick her up…"

Hae-in breaks out in tears, sobbing into her hands before Yura takes her into her arms, also silently crying.

"This feels so unreal" Hana says, trying hard to not break down as well.

"I know… I'll miss her so much" Junghwa says, eyes getting glassy. "I just… thought I'd let you guys know.."

Yura and Hana nod at him while Hae-in continues sobbing into Yura's shoulder.

Junghwa turns around and wipes his eyes, making his way back home.

—

"Seoho, how do you feel today?"

"Numb"

"You have to eat" He says, pushing the plate of toast towards him. "Woong is going to short-circuit when he realizes you are not eating the breakfast he prepared for you"

"But I don't feel like eating, Hyung" The sorcerer fights back, hands going up to hold onto his head. "I just failed a very influential and nice man! I couldn't save his daughter because I didn't see what poisoned her!"

The older one frowns and sits down next to his friend, taking his hands and looking him in the eye. "Listen Seoho, this is not your fault. Everyone makes mistakes and it does not help you one bit if you dwell on them. Instead, take them as a lesson for what you can do better next time. There is always a chance for you to prove yourself and this was not the last one, okay?"

The sorcerer feels tears building up in his eyes at his Hyung's words and nods quietly, afraid his voice will break if he speaks.

The older one gently guides Seoho's head to his shoulder and lets him cry it out. He understands the pain his younger friend feels almost too well.

The younger one of the two quickly composes himself and wipes away his tears. "Thank you H-Hyung"

Said man just smiles gently and pats his shoulder. "It's okay"

"Seo-ie Hyung~ did you eat your food?"

"Ah shit, here we go…"

—

You could feel your senses coming back to you one by one, hearing being the first.

"Cause of death?"

"Spirit-Iron and Vampire-Root poisoning and rapid internal bleeding"

"Time and date of death?"

"4:37pm, January 25th 2920"

"Name and age?"

"L/N Y/N, 23"

"Species?"

"W-"

The two men got interrupted by a loud banging noise.

"Ah shit, what did the intern do this time again"

"We should check it out, it's not like she's going anywhere"

"You're right, let's go"

That's when you opened your eyes, sterile white light shining down on you as you sat up.

To your surprise you were still in your clothes which were soaked in blood, but luckily not sticking to you anymore. You sat up and your feet met the ground.

You tiptoe around the examination table and towards the door, carefully peeking around before navigating your way through the building with the help of signs hung up.

"HOLY FUCK!!" you hear one of the two men scream. "THE CORPSE IS GONE! WHAT THE FUCK!!"

You were surprised you weren't panicking, but that was a problem for later as you sprinted outside and into the forest which was near the mortuary, not paying attention to your surroundings.

—

"What?" Your father's voice sounded through the living room and your Mother peered up. "What do you mean 'her corpse is gone'???"

Haeryeong could feel the feeling of dread creep up inside of her as she listened to what Hwanseok was saying.

"Oh god" he mumbles. "N-No I don't think you should try and find her body- I'll take care of it. Yeah goodbye"

"What the hell happened?" Haeryeong asks, eyes wide.

"The mortuary called and said Y/N's body is gone" Hwanseok explains, "this must be some sick joke"

"Do you think the Necromancer has something to do with it?"

"As much as I want to believe he's not at fault, he's the only one who's capable of such thing"

"What do you plan to do, Hwanseok?" Haeryeong asks, eyebrows furrowed in worry.

"I'm going to pay him a little visit tomorrow"

—

You finally stopped running when you felt like you were far enough into the woods, sitting down against a tree.

That's when you started noticing the details.

No breathing, no racing heartbeat or pulse, no sense of fear or threat.

What the hell was going on? Weren't you just on your way home from that frat party with Junghwa? Your drink tasted weird and everything was spinning until it just went black.

Did someone put a weird potion into your drink?

You don't know for how long you've been sitting there, but it somehow felt like an eternity and it dawned on you that you were most probably dead.

The lack of a heartbeat and breathing was worrying and so fucking confusing, if your body would still be able to you would've totally panicked. Yet here you were, sitting totally calm against the bark of a tree, trying to grasp the situation.

It was just so illogical how your brain is still working but your heart doesn't beat. It defies all the knowledge of the body's anatomy and it drives you wild.

Slowly getting up again you try and see where you can go, but everything is just so dark and you can't see past the thick trees and small rays of light the moon provides, but you heard what felt like every little noise.

And then the crunching of leaves and twigs snapping got your attention, head whipping around to look towards where the noise was coming from.

You were on high alert as you kept your eyes on the spot.

"Are you lost?" A male voice asks you, but you remain silent and press yourself against the tree. "Hey don't be scared"

You hold your tongue at the snarky reply that was about to slip out when the man steps forward onto a spot illuminated by the moonlight.

"Who are you?" You ask, getting ready to defend yourself.

"I-" the guy stumbles over his words, probably not having expected this question, "I'm Seoho, the Necromancer"

That's when you notice the black outline of the Spellmark around his left eye, a stark contrast to his light skin.

You take a tentative step forward, more into the moonlight and you see the man's eyes widen. "No- No this can't be real"

Furrowing your brows and tilting your head you ask him, "what can't be real? Do I know you?"

He sinks to his knees in what looks like shock and you go closer, squatting down in front of him. "Hey what's wrong?"

Seoho looks almost mortified as his eyes meet yours. "I-I watched you die just a few hours ago! There w-was so much blood!"

A confused pout forms on your lips as you tuck a strand of hair behind your ear. "That explains a lot…" You mumble, "I woke up in this mortuary and ran into the forest without knowing where to go"

Your little explanation seems to have stirred something in the guy as a sob wrecks his body and you don't know what to do with yourself right then and there. "Hey- please don't cry!"

He laughs dryly and wipes his eyes. "I'm sorry this is just- overwhelming"

"But aren't you used to seeing dead people come back to life?" You ask.

To your surprise Seoho shakes his head. "That's what everyone thinks, you know?" He sniffs a little and regains his composure. "But I have only ever revived one person"

"Oh"

"Yeah so… it's kind of new to me" He says, "and I actually didn't revive you, Y/N"

"What? Hold up- what?" You're taken aback by his statement and look into his eyes, disregarding the fact that he knows your name. "What do you mean? Are you saying I came back to life by myself??"

He runs a hand through his black hair, exposing his forehead briefly before answering you. "It looks like you did, yeah. I don't know how that's possible but-"

"Hyung, where did you run off to?!" Someone yells from a distance away and you see the man tense.

"You should go back to your friend, I'm sure he's worried" you suggest and stand up. "I think I'll go back home-"

"No!" Seoho frantically exclaims and you give him a surprised look. "I mean- don't go home! I should check up on you first!"

Playing with your fingers, you think about it for a second before the new voice calls out again.

"Seo-ie Hyung~" he chimes. "Where are you~"

The sorcerer gives you a pleading look as he also rises back onto his feet, his taller figure slightly towering over you.

"Fine" you give in and a smile breaks out on his face, a cute eye smile hiding his eyes in a crescent moon shape.

"Hyungie I found you!" The voice exclaims from behind Seoho and quick footsteps approach you two as the guy jumps onto the older one's back. "Ohhh who's that?"

The guy is shorter than Seoho and his hair a bright pink, his eyes flashing yellow for a second as he curiously blinks at you.

"Uh.. hi?" You awkwardly greet and wave your hand at him.

He hops down from Seoho's back and approaches you, circling around your figure. "How would you never want to die?"

The question catches you off guard and you furrow your brows while watching his movements. "I guess being burnt alive sounds pretty gruesome"

He starts laughing hysterically only to stop after a few seconds. "I see~" he says and stands in front of you, holding out his hand for you to shake while Seoho watches you two closely. "I'm Hwanwoong! What about you?"

You take his hand cautiously and shake it, his strong grip startling you slightly, not having expected someone of his size to be so strong. But then again; never judge a book by its cover. "I'm Y/N"

"Your hand is awfully cold, N/N-ie" He comments. "Are you sick?"

"Uhm-"

"Woongie, that's enough" Seoho finally steps in, "we should head back, yeah?"

Hwanwoong releases his grip on your hand and nods with a big smile. "Should I hurry back first and tell Grumpy Hyung about your guest?"

You hold back a laugh at what he called his older friend.

"Yeah, do that" Seoho nods and cracks a smile. "But don't call him Grumpy, you know he hates that"

"That's why he is grumpy hyung! But okay, I'm going~" Hwanwoong giggles like a child and starts running away.

"I'm sorry for this… weird encounter" The sorcerer turns to you with a sheepish smile. "You know how shapeshifters are"

"It's fine don't worry" you wave it off, "he's actually quite alright"

Seoho snorts at what you said and clears his throat. "Just wait until he has a fit… then he's not so alright anymore"

"Wh-"

"We should go now"

You bite back the question you were going to ask and opt for just nodding as you follow beside him, navigating through the woods.

—

"Are we there soon? It feels like we've been walking for days" You complain and Seoho chuckles.

"Don't worry we'll be there in 2 more minutes, Y/N"

Then you suddenly realized that he knew your name before you even told him or his friend.

"Wait.. you knew my name before"

"Did you forget what I said? About watching you die under my hands?"

"No.."

"Your father had someone get me"

You remain silent, since it made perfect sense now.

Seoho leads the way through a particular dark part of the forest before a giant building comes into view.

"That's it" He says and looks at you.

"Woah" You comment in astonishment and meet his gaze. "This is where you live?"

The sorcerer gives you a proud smile and nods. "Yup. I live here with five other friends. They're my family"

A soft smile also reaches your face.

"Ohh Seo-ie Hyung is back!" Hwanwoong's voice is loud as he practically yells that.

Both Seoho and you turn your gazes to the front door, Hwanwoong's bright pink hair standing out against the dark interior, a taller man in a red suit standing next to him.

Seoho takes a hold of your wrist and drags you towards them. "Hey Hyung" he greets the taller one. "Did Woongie tell you?"

"Yeah" the guy nods, his attention then on you. "May I ask for your name?"

He speaks very… formal, detached even, you notice. "I'm L/N Y/N"

The man gives you a tight smile. "You can call me Ravn for now. Nice to make your acquaintance"

"Ah, me too" you awkwardly bow a bit, making a chuckle erupt from the tall guy.

"Let's head inside" Seoho speaks up again and enters with you first up, practically shoving you inside before the other two follow close behind.

He shows you into a hospital-like room and makes you sit down on one of the four beds. "I'll be right back okay? I just need to get my assistant"

"Alright" you nod and watch him leave, closing the door behind him so you decide on just looking around the room.

It looks pretty sterile, IV-Bags next to every bed but without fluid, monitors of all kinds and also a sink next to the door. It looks like they took lots of instruments from a hospital room.

You don't remember where you heard it, but you're pretty sure someone once told you that the Necromancer's healing abilities were pretty weak, so he had to rely a lot on potions and normal things like they are in here.

Just when you finished your thought, the door opened again.

"No way" a green haired man says and looks at you, calmly sitting on the bed while Seoho closes the door behind them. "You- How?"

"I told you, I don't know. That's why I got you to help me check her up"

The two guys go and grab some stuff from around the room and put it on the table next to the bed you're sitting on.

"Hey uhm" you speak up, "I heard you're not that good with healing stuff"

A pang of hurt flashes across his face for a second after your comment.

"Ah! I'm not making fun of you! It's just that-" with frantic hand motions you try to explain yourself, "I'm one of the best healers in this land so maybe I could help you out..?"

The hurt in his face immediately gets replaced with relief and he exchanges glances with his companion. "I mean, I don't see why not" Seoho bashfully smiles at you. "It would mean a lot to me"

You smile back at him. "Okay we can talk about that later, right? What kind of stuff do you need to check?"

"Well first of all we need to check your blood" the green haired guy starts explaining, "then we need to check your vitals and brain activity and lastly abilities"

"No physical tests or anything?" You ask and raise a brow.

"What Leedo forgot to say" Seoho now answers, "is that yes, we will do physical tests, but they come after the stuff he listed"

"Ohh I see" you nod in understanding.

Seoho goes to grab a syringe and you watch him closely. "I hope you're not afraid of needles"

"Actually I am" you reply, bending back a bit to get away from the instrument. "I've always hated them"

A frown pulls on the sorcerer's lips. "I'm sorry. We do need a bit of your blood though…"

You fight yourself for a few seconds before giving in. "Please make it quick" and the man nods, patting your knee briefly.

#yuki writes #kwritersworldnet #oneuswewriters #oneus #oneus angst #tw funeral #tw mortuary #tw blood #tw needles #tw ed mention #내꺼 하자 #yeongwvnhi.txt

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moonstruckholland · 4 years

Text

Sober (t.h)

Word count: 1,918

Warnings: drinking, fluff, tiny bits of angst

A/N: The second oneshot for Cosmic Souls! I really hope y'all like this 💕 let me know what you think if you do and if you want, you can find the first oneshot in my masterlist 🥰 also, as always, shout out to the amazing @fangirlwithasweettooth for reading this over

It was obvious by the way you were dressed you hadn't originally planned on having Tom over.

Usually, you didn't care much for getting dressed up when you hung out with Tom at your place, opting for a pair of sweatpants and a loose t-shirt. Not that he ever minded, he loved that you felt comfortable enough to be yourself around him.

Tonight though you had on a pretty floral dress that complimented your skin and more makeup than you usually cared to put on, pops of color and shimmer on your lids that added to the natural sparkle in your eyes.

Tom thought you looked beautiful.

Though, to be fair, there hadn't been a moment since he met you three years ago, in the music history class the both of you were forced to take, where he hadn't thought you looked absolutely stunning.

"So, what exactly happened tonight, love?" He looked up to where you were sitting next to him on the couch, hoping he didn't seem too eager to hear your answer, "You were pretty vague with the details over the phone."

"Fuck, Tommy, it was horrible," you took a sip of your cup, that was mostly filled with vodka, scrunching your nose as the liquid went down your throat, "I had a date tonight with that dude I was telling you about the other day, from my child and family development class."

Tom felt a pang in his chest as he remembered exactly who you were talking about, recalling how you fawned over him while the two of you were having lunch together, mentioning something about wanting to jump his bones.

He felt just as jealous then as he did now, wondering if you'd ever noticed the fact that he would literally do anything for you.

"Not only was he almost an hour late, didn't even bother to warn me, by the way," you rolled your eyes, bringing your cup to your lips again, "He wouldn't stop talking about his ex the whole time, but I'm getting ahead of myself, let me start from when he finally picked me up."

You continued on, taking large gulps of your drink as the details of the story got worse and worse.

Tom followed in your footsteps, drinking more from his cup than he had originally planned when you first handed it to him, each sip helping him refrain from blurting out what he actually wanted to say to you.

It was safe to say by the time you were done talking, the two of you were definitely tipsy.

It was safe to say by the time you were done talking, Tom was definitely buzzed. You on the other hand were on a completely different level, taking shots in between drinks, going harder than Tom had ever seen.

You had just finished your third cup, already working on your fourth one, while Tom had barely taken sips of his third one, figuring it'd be best if at least one of you slowed down.

"How do you manage to find the worst guys to go on dates with?"

You sighed, "I don't know, I just want one actually nice guy to want me, that's it."

'I want you,' is what Tom's thoughts were begging him to say. Instead he gave you a sympathetic smile that didn't quite reach his eyes, "You'll have that some day, darling."

You leaned back on the couch, sadness overcoming your features, "I wish there were more guys like you, Tommy."

He barely had time to register your words, his head fuzzy from the alcohol, before you distracted him with an awkward cough, mumbling something about it being too warm.

"Maybe you should take that as a sign to take a break."

Just like that the sadness washed away, replaced with a wicked smile, "I don't know what you're talking about, I'm only getting started."

Tom rolled his eyes, getting up from the couch with a groan and walking over to the fridge to get a couple of water bottles and the bag of chips on the kitchen counter, knowing you'd have the worst hangover if he didn't get some food and something non-alcoholic in your system.

He brought them over to you, handing you the bottle and putting the chips on your lap, "Eat something please, darling."

"Don't wanna eat," you shook your head stubbornly, "I wanna dance."

Before Tom could protest, you downed the rest of your cup before jumping up and grabbing his hand, pulling him up with you. "C'mon, dance with me, Tommy, please."

"But there's no music."

Tom expected you to do the easy thing and connect your phone to your Bluetooth speakers and play one of the dozens of playlists you had on Spotify, instead you caught him off guard by belting out the lyrics to What Makes You Beautiful.

He couldn't help the laughter that bursted from him as you started swaying and twirling while you sang.

It was totally ridiculous, but Tom found himself singing along with you, wrapping an arm around you and pulling you close so you could sway together.

After a while you stopped singing and put your head on his chest, making his heart hurt. He wished this was more than what it was, more than him comforting you after a bad date.

Tom tried not to dwell on his negative thoughts, deciding to just close his eyes, lay his head on top of yours, and enjoy having you close to him like this.

He got lost in you, the feeling of your hands in his and the way your body was pressed against him, so close he could smell the scent of your favorite perfume.

He'd been close to you so many times over the years, but something about this was inherently different, more intimate than you'd ever been before.

There was nothing he wanted more than to stay in this moment, in your embrace, for the rest of the night and honestly he would've if you hadn't somehow tripped over his feet, resulting in the two of you falling back onto the couch.

You landed on top of Tom, drunken giggles escaping your lips, "Are you okay?"

"I'm cutting you off for the night," he huffed, making you laugh even more as you attempted to apologize.

You rolled off of him after a moment, your chest rising rapidly as you tried to catch your breath. It took everything in him not to pull you back, his body aching for your warmth as soon as it was gone

"I think...it's time for bed."

"Good idea," Tom stood up, holding out his hand to help you do the same.

"Will you pretty please carry me? I have jelly legs."

Tom couldn't help rolling his eyes at you, "Jelly legs from what? You're the one that fell on me."

"Please?" You pouted, "Because you love me?"

'I really do.'

If he had wanted to, he would've put up a fight, but deep down he knew he would do anything you asked of him. You had him completely wrapped around your finger.

"Fine," he said, pretending to be annoyed, as if he hadn't already decided he would carry you the second you asked him to.

He hooked one arm underneath your legs, the other under your back, holding you close to his chest as he carried you to your bedroom.

"Thank you for taking care of me, Tommy," you said softly as he laid you down, pulling your blanket over you and pressing a kiss to your forehead.

"I'll always be here to take care of you."

'I'd do anything for you.'

He was about to leave your room and pass out on the couch, when you grabbed his arm, "Stay with me? Please?"

He nodded, wordlessly crawling under the covers beside you.

You turned over so you were facing him, your hands in between you, just barely touching Tom's, an unreadable expression on your features.

"What are you thinking about?"

You shook your head, "It's so dumb."

He gently nudged your leg with his, "Tell me, darling."

"I-fuck, okay," you looked down, suddenly very interested in the pattern on your blanket. "I swear there wasn't a moment tonight where I hadn't wished I was with you."

"After what you told me, I wish I was there too."

"No, Tommy, you don't get it," you chewed your lip nervously, looking everywhere but at him, "I don't just feel this way about this date, it's every date."

Your words weren't really clicking in Tom's head and he was starting to think the alcohol was having more of an effect on him than he originally thought.

"I want you to be the one to pick me up and take me to dinner. I want to hold your hand when we go to the movies," you voice got lower the more you talked and you shyly peeked up through your lashes to gauge Tom's reaction, "I want to kiss you and murmur how much I love you against your lips."

Tom's heart was beating hard against his chest, the sound so loud in his ears he could barely hear you.

He couldn't believe it. Were you really saying the words he's been wanting to hear since the day he met you?

If his head wasn't buzzing with a million different thoughts, he probably would've kissed you or at least said a few coherent sentences but all he could manage to blurt out was, "You love me?"

Something in you seemed to switch, your words stuttering and your eyes widening with shock as you realized exactly what you just said to Tom.

"Shit. I-I'm so drunk," you turned over, your back now facing him, "I, um, I'm tired. I need to go to sleep."

"Y/n-"

"No, Tom, it's okay. Please just Forget I said anything."

He laid there in complete silence, his eyes glued to your back as he contemplated what he should do, if he should say anything or do as you said and put tonight behind him.

'Don't be an idiot, tell her.'

"Y/n?"

You didn't say anything for a moment too long, making Tom's stomach clench. What if you were asleep and he missed his chance completely?

"Yeah, Tommy?" You said so quietly Tom could barely hear you.

"I love you too."

He felt like he was going to be sick as he waited for you to say something or just do anything to let him know you hadn't suddenly changed your mind.

Tom was starting to wonder if you heard him or maybe you just didn't care when you reached behind your back and grabbed his arm, pulling it towards you. You laced your fingers through his as you brought his hand to your lips, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

He let out a breath of relief he hadn't realized he'd been holding before hesitantly scooting closer to you, closing up the little space between you.

Once again Tom found himself in a position he'd been a million times, wrapped up in you, but the air had changed and it was almost like it was the first time.

In the back of his mind he knew there was a chance you were only saying this because of the alcohol in your system, but he pushed the thought away, and nuzzled his face into your hair before closing his eyes, hoping you'd still mean what you said when the sun came up.

Tagging: @fangirlwithasweettooth @bravest-at-heart @hollandsamor @constellatinq @aidiastyles @ravenclawmarvel @cosmicholland @sleepyhollands @devildisguiseasangel @fairytaleparker @hollandsosterfield @now-imagine @officiallyunofficialperson @stealth-spiderr @xxxxdelenaxxxx @its-the-aerieljeane @petersstarcadet @babebenhardy @antoouu @lovinnholland @kxrtwxgner @sleepybesson @awkwardfangirl2014 @brookeelee98 @nedthegay @petersmparker @parkeroffline @snjms02 @the-queen-procrastinator @tomhollandsumbrella @spideyosterfield @thollandx @styles-balor4eva @80sthottie @marvelobsessedteenager @marshyrebelcloud @sixwyrxstuff @itscaminow @tomshufflepuff @jillanaholland @howdyherron @undiadeestos @quaksonhehe @theslytherinwarrior @itstaskeen

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rixxy8173571m3w1p3 · 4 years

Text

The Truths Found On Petram Viridios IV (3/?)

A/n: this is a long chapter. Hope you guys like it. In this chapter I referenced @hoodoo12 fic Inked

Read Part 1, Part 2

________

Chapter 3: Do You?

"Are you having a good time?" he wondered as you were picking at your meal, and drawing faces in it.

"It's been pleasant enough." you admitted; shifting in your seat to sit up properly. "You've certainly made it easy on me."

You appreciated how the time passed so easily with the chemist's want and eagerness for conversation. He was well-spoken, and nothing lacked but whether it was you or your wandering mind, you had the feeling of wanting to go home; to relax on Rick's couch and watch a silly movie, but the night would go on. Intrigued by your earlier statement, V'gha studied you for a moment, not so unlike the way Zeta-7 would. Flexing his thick fingers, and smirking as though he had found the secrets of the universe and not intending on sharing it, he rested his chin on his now clasped hands."Would you care to elaborate?"

"Sure. I believe it's because, despite our differences, you're not so bad. I was worried that you were going to be overly serious, but it's been fun chatting with you."

"Well," he started, "I hope you won't be offended by me saying this, but I thought you were going to be more Neanderthal."

"You know," you giggled. "I get that a lot."

It never occurred to you to expect anything to really happen right now, but through half-lidded eyes, there were flecks of melancholy along with another emotion you couldn't quite detect. It passed quickly as light amusement colored his voice. "Is self-deprecating humor common among your kind? It doesn't matter. You nonetheless contain an intellect that I can only describe as affable. Are all humans this way?"

"I don't know, I can't speak for my kind, but I can speak for myself. I think in my case," You considered with seriousness, trying to refrain from sharing too many details. "it's what happens when you live as I do; close to a mad genius who enjoys his work as much as his garden. No really," you paused, playing around with your cloth napkin. "it's nothing special. I wish I could give you a highly detailed explanation, but I don't consider myself much of an intellectual. I do learn something new everyday. I think that counts for something."

Nodding in agreement, he made an attempt to consume his meal of fried klema paste, but could only manage a small bite as he too gave up on trying to believe it was halfway edible. "If I would've been in my lab, I could've shown you a recipe for a formula that attracts insectoids large enough to feed a family for a month. Even the bitter, old, beetletoids would taste better than what we've been served tonight."

You had a feeling that the meals were chosen by a machine that couldn't determine what would be better; pleasing the taste buds or feeding the vitamin deficiencies; it seemed to be the latter.

"I'm sad to tell you that I don't eat insects or insectoids. Though," you smiled. "I appreciate the sentiment. Where I'm from, you either love them or despise them. There isn't much of an in-between. For my part, I admire them. Like, there's these cute little guy's called roly-polys. They kind of look like little pills and they hang out in dead leaves and stuff. Oh, and don't even get me started on iridescent insects. They're just so beautiful, like living jewels. Too bad I don't have an eloquent explanation to give you."

"Do you mean to say that insectoids or insects as you refer to them, are minuscule creatures where you're from? How fascinating. And stranger still," he gestured at your outfit. "I was just thinking that you appear somewhat iridescent yourself."

He must've been referring to the sequins on your dress which were mildly reflective and multichromatic. "That was the point," you joked readily. "to look as though I could fly away at any moment. At least that's the story I'm sticking with, but don't tell anyone I left my private jet at home."

"Well, it does suit you. Has anyone told you that?"

If he meant either your dress, attitude, or both, then Rick had but you weren't going to tell him that. "No, but thank you."

"Really," he insisted. "I mean it. I…..I can't help but feel as though I know you." Leaning slightly forward, though not so much that it would violate the law, and squinting, he wondered. "Are you sure we haven't met before?"

The multiverse thing was another classified subject on the infinite list of what you weren't allowed to talk about. For all you knew, he might've met another version of yourself or met you in passing in your travels with Rick. "No, we haven't. Maybe I remind you of someone."

Realization struck him, and he dug around in his pockets and pulled out a blank white card. Laying it out on the table, he pressed the corner of it, and it produced a hologram; it was a Salamandrian with vibrant coloring and stripes that made you wonder if they glowed in the dark. "That's why I've been perplexed. You remind me of her; an old colleague of mine."

"She's beautiful."

"Yes, I thought so too. We used to work in the same lab together and were close to a breakthrough which could've assisted with premature aging which my species are prone to, but it wasn't meant to be. We ran out of funding and while working on another project, she collapsed. Before I knew it, she succumbed to rapid aging. Cha'thxa was amiable like yourself and loved to joke around. I believe that's why we were good friends."

"It's always the good ones. I'm sorry."

Replacing the card back into his pocket, he sobered. "It's alright. That was half a lifetime ago, but it's odd how events can trigger these recollections. Thank you."

"For what?"

"For these interactions of ours. It made me feel youthful."

What? Now that couldn't be right. If it hadn't been such an odd thing for him to say, you wouldn't have given a second thought to how he had spoken and carried himself. Really, you thought he was younger than yourself. "How old are you exactly? You don't look mature."

Taking a long sip of his beverage, he admitted with amusement. "Let's just say that the equivalent in human years is roughly 64.322 years old."

"What? No way. I wouldn't have ever guessed, but it shows what I know."

Though you weren't an expert on reptiles either, so how could you have known?

"Would it have really mattered? The only difference it would have made was perhaps in the way you would've treated me. I don't enjoy being treated as though I'm feeble-minded and will collapse at any moment."

"I promise, I wouldn't have."

"If only it were that simple. I've done the same, except I did the opposite and discriminated against someone far younger than I was and believed them foolish, but now that I've seen more of the world, and have familiarized myself with the universe through my travels and mostly through my studies, I realize how wrong I was. These days, I intend to live out the rest of my life to the fullest and to not be ashamed of it. And keeping in mind with that," he paused, ruminating on what he was about to ask. He continued. "I hope this isn't presumptuous of me to ask, but I'd love to invite you to my home planet." And with that winning, sharp-toothed smile, he explained. "Warm bodies are now allowed to visit and I would love to show you my dwelling. I believe you'd enjoy the view of the river. You seem to be the type that would never tire of good company."

It was a shame that he was such a fascinating creature, for you two might've been able to be good friends in a different life. "I do enjoy good company and most likely I would love the river, but under my current circumstances, I'm sorry to say it probably wouldn't be a good idea."

Calmly, he wondered. "Is it because of that human we saw a few hours ago is your mate?"

"Yes," you answered without hesitation. "I would consider him so."

"Forgive me then, for I didn't know, but I should have come to that conclusion." he remarked sheepishly. "You reek of him and your hormones changed every time I asked you about him."

"Look," you sighed, feeling a little embarrassed at the series of events which led up to this. "it's alright. I think it's the guidelines of this event that prevent us from being in each other's presence, but even if it's a crime, I wish he was here. I'm sorry if I acted out of place otherwise."

Giving you a wink, V'gha rose and gently took your hand; not only was it against the law, but against his character. You were going to pull away, but he said in Rick's voice. "Terminate simulation."

______

You removed the headset you had forgotten you were wearing. "Oh no, did I mess up again? Would I have died of food poisoning? Dysentery? I swear this is harder than the Oregon Trail."

"N-no, you did alright." he said at first, thoughtfully tapping at charts across his multiple screens set up. "Every time you were presented with a-a challenge, you followed the protocols and procedures just as you were instructed, but it's when you depart the ship which has my calculations going all over th-the place. Gosh, I now realize that it - it doesn't matter which of the guests are assigned as your companion. There is a 33.682% chance that they'd take a romantic interest in you, while there's only a 7% chance of you taking interest in them."

"Ricky, what in the world are you talking about?" You were sure that all of it was simply meant to be a learning experience and that none of it was real. However, considering it was meant to be a realistic simulation, the possibility of romance was there, despite how minimal the chances were. "I thought the reason we were going through the simulation was so that I wouldn't jeopardize the mission. Am I to understand that you don't want me to go because you discovered there's a small chance that a guest or two might fall for me?"

He scratched the back of his neck, wary to meet your questioning gaze. "Gee, I wouldn't have phrased it th-that way. I just....I-I don't like it."

"Oh my goodness," you couldn't help but exclaim. "Rick, are you jealous?"

It was always surprising when he was for it happened so rarely, and when it did you were more flattered then concerned. You continued. "I thought these scenarios always end the same way. You know I only want to be with you, even at the risk of my life. Why these aliens would take an interest in me, I'll never know, but it's cool that the people I'm assigned to are fascinating characters. Doesn't it prove that I'm ready for this mission? I kept the sharing of valuable information to a minimum, and I got along with mostly everyone."

"Gee, I don't know. Y-you're almost ready. However," he pointed at his computer screen. "there are anomalies in some of the earlier models which are concerning. In scenario 3, 7, and 15, the chances of my extermination were 18.475% because I-I allowed myself to get distracted from the mission. In scenarios 17, 19, and 25, there's such a minuscule change that we can forget them altogether. Yet, in the last five scenarios, especially this last simulation, it jumped to 42% and I ended it before things w-would've gone sour. Golly, studying the patterns between them all taught me that you're attractive t-t-to multiple species."

"What can I say, must be my animal magnetism." you teased as you wiggled your eyes brows.

Thoroughly worried, he sighed. "It appears so."

"Come on Ricky," you softened. "I'm only kidding. Listen, why don't you disguise yourself as V'gha, while one of your robot clones handles the mission? Out of all of them, V'gha was one of the nicest. We can knock him out temporarily."

"That could work, but that's highly risky."

"How so?"

"Because staying alive means I-I can't do this."

Wrapping an arm about your waist, the beginnings of a smile were taking place. "For this, I'd get my arms chopped off. It's due t-to the fact that centuries ago a war broke out from a single incident that occurred b-between two rivals who fought for the love of a Milleannos grounds protector whose sole purpose was to guard and tend to the bud that would never bloom in their lifetime. So, this kind of behavior between us is a big no-no. At least as non-royals of Petram Viridios IV." And pressing a kiss to your temple, he chuckled. "I don't know what'd happen to me if I did that, but I-I wouldn't want to find out."

"Do the inhabitants of that planet learn their traditions through tall tales?"

"I-I don't know, but it doesn't seem that far-fetched. It's um - it's possible that over time, they've needed t-to learn sets of skills in order to survive in the once harsh terrain, but seeing how they were able to preserve their culture for hundreds of thousands of years, they must be doing something right. Still, knowing all this, I-I doubt I could keep my cool and stay away from you. Apparently, the simulations tell me the same thing."

"In that case," you softened. "I might have to remove myself from this mission. After all, I don't want you to think I'm trying to woo a few strangers."

"Boy, I-I didn't mean it t-t-to sound that way."

"Of course not, but you told me the truth. And you're entitled to it in some respects. Though, while you spoke of data and calculations, you didn't ask me how I felt. Why not dear? I'm not ashamed to tell you."

Yet, he seemed ashamed to ask. "Did - did you feel anything?"

Smoothing out the lines about his mouth and eyes with your fingers, you confessed. "I felt flattered by their attention, and their company wasn't that bad. I felt……well, like a person in society, who meets and meets dozens of people, and only really takes interest when the conversation is somewhat comfortable and familiar, but I wanted you there to enjoy it too. " Pointing towards the monitors, you continued." If you take a closer look at the data on my brain waves, changes of hormones, and heart rate, then you'll see where my mind and heart truly was. In nearly all of them, I saw parts of you. Not so much physically, but there were personality traits that were so much like your own, I almost didn't feel so lonely. Yet, I never stopped searching for you in them, and in the world around me, in silence, in smiles over knowings, and in reminiscences, hoping you would come and could be in my reach."

Resting his hand atop yours, he sighed. "Th-that explains a few things."

"Does it? I know you were watching as it played out. And don't think I didn't know what you did this time around. I know it was you on that stage, veiled, and far away. Was that also part of the simulation? It…it felt so real. Somehow our souls were closer then they'd ever been."

"I added the possibility of being asked t-to play the Tremen orb bush. When played, it does induce a trance-like state, but during that part of the simulation, I-I tried to keep you calm because y-you were in the beginning stages of a panic attack."

It must've been because of the claustrophobic feeling of being in a chamber. So you hadn't been alone. "Dear, did you hold me and keep me safe?"

"In a manner of speaking. Y-you weren't in any immediate danger, but I didn't want you to feel uncomfortable. So I - I moved my chair over, held your soft hands," he confessed shyly. "and talked to you for a little while. It must've helped for soon enough your vital signs were back to normal."

Yes, he was that sort of man; the kind who'd want to take care of you, and make sure you're alright; who'd give up a day in his garden to spend a dozen ensuring that within dreams you'd live to see another. What did you ever do to deserve him?

"I see. You know Rick, despite not bringing it up, I'm sorry that I had to pretend not to know you."

"That's okay."

He understood, way too easily did he understand. Digital planes with hundreds of foreign figures, blades of grass duplicated to fill in spaces, dreamland feelings which were wisps of real ones, he withstood them all. Slipping in and out of realities were preparations for the real tests which had and would continue to come your way. You admired his fortitude because till now he's dealt with the hardships incurred purposely and accidentally.

"Even if it was potentially part of the mission, and you knew I had to do it, it didn't feel good. How….how could I hide the fact that I have such a wonderful friend? You've been one of the dearest, closest friends that I've ever had."

Leaning down, he touched your forehead with his; releasing a breath you didn't know he had been holding. "El mayor - el mayor obstáculo para el amor es… es el temor s-secreto de no ser dignos de ser amados."

"But you are worthy." you reassured him.

"So I am." he accepted.

"Dear, in trying to protect what we have, lying was necessary. Yet, I don't want to pretend that we aren't anything. I love you too much to do that. I don't have any sign or mark of belonging to anyone, and that could've been one of the reasons there were misunderstandings. With V'gha and the others, I was only being friendly."

"I-I know."

"Even if you know, I'm still going to remind you." Resting a hand on his chest, his nervous heart seemed to dance. "Underneath my hand, lies the kind heart of an emotional, passionate genius, and I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world."

Holding you a fraction tighter, his breath ghosted your cheek. "Really?"

"Mhm."

"Can I-I tell you something?"

"Yeah?"

"Everyday with you is better than the last. If we lived on Venus," he chuckled. "our days would've been 5,832 hours long. That's th-the equivalent of 243 Earth days."

"That's a long time. Hmm," you sighed, relishing in the nearness of him; breathing in the scent which wafted off his sweater and labcoat. You thought to yourself, this is how it should always be. "I wish I could've been born sooner so you wouldn't have had to be lonely. If I could've done that much, I would've been able to repay you. Still, despite my disbelief about our relationship at times, it's one of the reasons I carry the necklace. You know, the one you had given me on that memorable day that you were…" you paused as you felt him sag into himself, pulling away from you slightly as though he were ashamed. You continued on. "on that day when those Guard Ricks came because you were needed on the citadel. I regret that I put you through so much stress that day, but I'm glad you don't resent me for it." Pulling out the necklace, you couldn't help but tear up a little. "I look at this beautiful gift every time I need to be reminded that you always believed in me, adored me, and was part of your world."

"Y-you're not part of it, you are my world."

"And you are mine. There's no way I'll ever forget you."

Though, there was a chance you could or that he could have your memories erased; there were things you weren't supposed to know, but did. There had been stranger cases before, and just in case, you had made copies of your memories. "Why, if you ever have to use that memory eraser thing on me or on yourself, I promise I'll remember for the both of us. So please," you urged, giving him a half-impatient, half-loving shake. "don't think that what we have is so easily broken, because I love you and believe in what we are together."

Neither of you spoke for a while after that, but he gave your hands a good squeeze when he came to a resolution. "What if….what if I gave you a sign?"

"I'd think of an Ace Of Base song," you lightly teased. "and then I'd wonder what you could mean."

Rubbing your back, he said above a whisper. "I mean t-t-t-to say, do you…..¿Quieres casarte?"

"What? Did you just…can you repeat that?"

"D-do you want to get married?"

Pulling away from him, you wondered. "Wait, is this real?"

He nodded. "Y-yes."

"And I'm not in a lotus-eater machine right?"

Smoothing out your hair, he confessed. "N-no, I hope not."

After spending days going through multiple simulations, it was easy to assume that everything wasn't real, and was still part of another simulation within a simulation. You pinched yourself and saw that everything was in place. It's not that you weren't happy, it was just that this was a surprise you hadn't been expecting. For his part, he studied you and found that he liked what he saw and pulled out a little box. "I had wanted the moment t-to be perfect, but I don't think that's possible. I can't…..I don't want to be without you anymore."

"I think I need to sit down for this."

Leading you over to the computer chair, you took a seat while he stood before you; antsy and ready to confess. "Mi corazón, I have wanted to do this for so long, but I - I was too afraid t-t-to ask. I think now, I finally can."

Removing his labcoat, and setting it down, he pushed up the sleeve of his sweater; displaying the tattoo he had gotten a few years ago; a single sunflower with such detail it almost looks three dimensional. If it weren’t for the curve of his arm, it would appear that he took the bloom, shrunk it down, and simply laid it on his inner forearm. "When I got this, I wanted something as beautiful as you with me, always, and - and sunflowers are your favorite. You told me they were the epitome of happiness."

You nodded. "My best memories are associated with them."

"I suppose that still holds true, so I'm going to put my faith in that. To explain, I would like to tell you a few things concerning happiness. Everyday I-I go to work, I look forward to the moment I get to see you when I return. Though, when I come home, and the house is quiet, it's easy to remember that I live alone. However, when I see that the pillows have been rearranged in a way I um - in a way I hadn't left them, or find a mug in the sink, or piles of books that hadn't been read yet, I know I'm not alone; that y-you've been here. Gosh," he sniffled, doing his best not to cry. "when I see your sleeping figure on the couch or in the hammock outside, I think to myself that I want this t-t-to be my life. T-to be our life. You're what's missing in th-the equation to my happiness. When I met you, it's like the sun finally came out and I could finally bloom. We might carry bits of - of happiness, but I-I feel incomplete without you by my side. And I think y-you feel the same."

Taking hold of your left hand, he kissed it and his voice was colored with happiness again. In earnest, he wondered. "So, my beautiful little sunflower, as far as getting married is concerned, do you - do you want to?"

Tbc

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wrathfulspark · 4 years

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xreznikovx

The she wolf had given her guard detail the night off. Though the Compound was still full of wolves and heavily guarded she herself had intentions of slipping off unnoticed and alone if she could help it. Only letting those who needed to know where she would be the Alpha for the most part kept her plans silent from those that they didn’t exactly involve. As she packed up a designer bag of clothes she may or may not need with other items her thoughts raced over what Elidi’s home actually would look and smell like. Considering how drawn Tamryn was to the witch as it was she could only imagine what waited for her as she finished packing and then turned to her large walk in closet to get dressed.

She stood for longer than most would staring at the endless rows of outfits before she settled onto something less elegant and more casual. She dressed how she would if she were going to be lounging around the compound or going for a run.Settling upon some loose fitting sweats and a tank top she finally grabbed the bag and headed out Seeing many were already starting to party she slipped past their chaos unnoticed given how dressed down she was and made it to her own personal car. Running her hand along the front of Freyja she unlocked the butterfly doors and slide into the driver seat. Pushing the button to start the engine she pulled out her phone and sent one more text before she pulled off the compound parking lot and headed towards the detective’s home.

She pulled up to the address she had been to a few times mostly to pick Elidi up and parked. Faster than she intended to be she was at the door and pressing the door bell. Her heart for some reason began racing the moment she could smell Elidi’s natural scent coming closer to the other side of the door. As the door pulled open she met the eyed of the detective and matched her smile with that usual smirk of her own. Hearing her nick name only caused her to narrowed her eyes in approval as she let her gaze fall upon Elidi’s hands as they tied up her hair, though she was then drawn into what the witch said next about having to move plants,

“You had to actually move some?”

As Elidi stepped aside Tamryn almost naturally moved past her and entered the home, her hand reaching up to rest on the witch’s collar bone as she passed by before she was distracted by the aesthetic as she entered. Her hand dropped to her side as she walked in further and smiled as she looked around,

“At first impression you don’t seem like this type, but the more I have gotten to know you Eli, this is exactly what I expected your place to look like. Maybe with a little less plants, but that's kind of what is extremely charming about it all. And for future reference, you don't have to change anything for me..Show me around, I want to see everything.”

Tamryn's touch dwells along her collarbone, the unexpected approach from the alpha leaving Elidi stupefied. Slowly her brows settle back into place her thoughts slowly clearing as Tamryn speaks. A second time her cheeks flush, a mirthful chuckle leaving pinkened lips.

"Believe me, I had to move some." For a brief moment, Elidi ponders why she feels a little abnormal. Not because Tamryn was here but ... Lucent hues drifted upward toward the moon, scintillating and full. Her contemplation shifts toward the corner of her eye. A peculiar case left her distracted lately, it was very foolish of her to forget the full moon. Digits tap against the wood before she shuts the door after Tamryn.

"A tour? Sure. Well as you can see this is my living room, which opens up into the kitchen." The witch explained, as she entered the kitchen herself to fetch a bottle of wine and two glasses. Aside from the living room it was one of the larger rooms, perfect for brewing and cooking. With those items set aside on the living room table, she approached the hallway her back to the alpha.

Elidi paused in the threshold, a subtle falter in her step as her hand gripped the doorway. While she was careful to particularly hide the scar along her back, it seems with Tamryn she's easy to make mistakes and in the comfort of her own home didn't consider the thought. She resists the urge to cover the base of her neck with her palm, a nervous habit that would only draw attention to the scar in the moment. She turns over her shoulder to grin at the alpha, letting out a faint laugh, "almost fell.."

"Anyhow," she turned to face Tamryn walking slowly backwards, "I even had plants in the hallway, so I moved them into the spare room and the extras... You're welcome to peek inside but.. I'd prefer if you didn't. It's... A lot."

The bathroom is viewed next, mostly colored darker grays and of course a few flowers scattered around.

Her bedroom is mostly cooler colors, ivy strung around her room, dimly lit by lavender candles. As soon as the door opens, Binx trails inside, making himself comfortable on the bed, after brushing himself against the duos ankles. He didn't seem much too interested in Tamryn's appearance, unbothered unless called or fed.

"Well, it is definitely not a large home, but it is mine." She shrugged indifferent, her hues focused on the redhead, a small smile quirking her lips. "I figured we could hm, chat a little? Get to know one another as suggested." Elidi explained, moving to stand in front of the alpha, openly admiring her features, "and why not have a little wine in the process."

#trch:tamryn #her: yeah im checking u out #gay af witch

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theangrypokemaniac · 4 years

Text

@its-whitetomorrow

I appreciate that you take the time out of your day to read my witterings, and respond to them in detail, but I'm somewhat intellectually limited and it takes a while to write an answer.

The final one is a bit of a problem. The original post is long, your bit is long, and my addition is probably twice both put together.

Did you know Tumblr has a limit: no more than two hundred and fifty text blocks per post? I discovered this from experience, unsurprisingly.

I think the only solution is to split it across several posts.

I wasn't going to say anything, but I suppose I should.

I started this blog last May, to relieve the boredom of my main embarrassment, whose only likes (all three of them) were from porn bots.

It wasn't even meant to be about Pokémon. I'd left the fandom years previously. It was odds and ends, but I happened to find a few silly screen shots so wrote a couple of joke remarks, not expecting a ripple of interest.

Within a couple of hours I got more notes than t'other's managed even to this day. I had the idea this was where I was more at home, so I started taking it seriously.

My pseudonym was just daft thing I'd made up previously, to reflect that, whilst still in love with old days, I'm not exactly pleased with how it's gone.

I thought it might stand out as memorable, plus I like acronyms, so it affords me the opportunity to call myself 'T.A.P.'

In the early days the focus was on the 'maniac' aspect. Anger as a description didn't fit at all. The farther back you go, the more stupid and clownish it gets. It's not been like this all the way through!

Seriously, it used to be an entertainment blog, designed to make people laugh. It's all ages: no swearing, no porn, nothing to put anyone off.

(This post under discussion contains the only profanity I've ever deployed. I thought saving it up might add some oomph.)

I mean it, it's was all light-hearted ridicule. Every so often, there would be a slightly cutting remark, but mild compared to now.

Then, last September, someone I spoke to regularly, who assured me we were friends, suddenly cut off all contact.

At first I wasn't aware of it, but by October it became too glaring a silence to ignore.

I thought rifts started because of massive disagreements, but as far as I remembered our last exchange ended normally.

I found out by accident that the reason for it was because I am repugnant and morally inferior and so swollen with my own ego that the existence of others doesn't register. Instead they are but soulless droids built to worship the great T.A.P. mollusc.

Well that was news to me. I had no idea I came across like that. As far as I knew, I was on my best behaviour when we interacted.

I was polite. I tried to be ingratiate myself. I kept talk to the fandom. I didn't pry. I attempted humour when the opportunity arose.

I thought I'd done all I could to be liked, but apparently I hadn't. It was a revolting experience for them, for all of saying they loved me and I was 'honey'.

It really, really, really got to me, and the feeling hasn't abated, if anything it's worse.

As I said, I don't know what I did wrong, and because I don't, I can't mend my ways. If I am this repellant waste of flesh I'd like to change, but if I'm not told my offence, what am I meant to do?

If what I thought was the best I could be wasn't good enough, and instead was so sickening I don't deserve their presence, then I have no idea how to interact with people.

Maybe every time I respond to someone, thinking I'm at worst, civil, is really grotesque conceit, because my arrogance is so extreme I'm not even aware it's there. In my head it sounds normal.

It'd be too easy to scoff that they were the one with the problem, but, given all the arguments that happen in life, it can't always be someone else's fault. It's got to be you at least once.

They obviously think they were justified, so who's to say they weren't?

You may say not to let it worry me, that I should just get over it, and you'd be totally right. Being bothered makes me feel pathetic and petty on top of the rest, but this is me you're talking to, not a sane person. Self-hatred is more instinctive to me than breathing.

I always dwell on the negative. If one hundred people were assembled, ninety-nine of whom declared me the most wonderful being ever to live, and one remarked I wasn't all that special, it's him I'd remember.

It's called ghosting because that's what happens. There comes a moment when you accept that, no, it's over, rejected again, and it's like realising I'd died, and had been gone for a while.

Except I hadn't noticed the process, so I was always dead in a way, and they spoke to the silvery silhouette left behind, until that too dispersed into untraceable nothingness. Again, the silence is my fault for dying, not theirs.

I feel there's no point in messaging anyone, because I'll only disgust them too. Some blogs encourage contact, and when I see it I always think:

Yeah, but they don't mean YOU.

If it's another person I already spoke to, I can't shut up. I bombard them with text in the hope they know I don't think they're a menial droid. Every one I immediately regret, and wish I could take back, because that will irritate them until I'm just a sad, nagging past.

The Ghost-Maker used to reblog 99% of my work. This dropped to nothing overnight, so not only am I worthless, but so is everything I do.

Posts G.M. didn't like got 0-5 notes. Ones they did had 20+. Many a time, it took their reblog for anyone else to notice.

It was like others used that blog as a filter to pull the fool's gold from the murk of this one. Once their favour evaporated, so did a lot of the goodwill from elsewhere, so it's was as if Tumblr agreed I was scum.

Saying that above just shows they were right, because it takes one smug bastard to believe their existence registers with anyone else.

Please don't think I'm demanding likes, that my stuff deserves them, although as I'm arrogant I am. It's just that 99% to 0% is a bit of a fall.

Up til then, I held back much of what I thought about the current state of the anime, as they liked it, but now I have no reason to stop.

If I'm to be accused of all these vices I might as well have them. I'm dead, so who cares what I say? No one listens to a ghost.

It's not that I'm unconcerned if I upset anyone, it's just the truth that I don't matter enough for what I write to be valued enough to offend.

As a ghost, I think of this blog as invisible. It's there, but not really, so how can anyone mind?

Incidentally, the first week I was here I got blocked by someone who hates all fans from the Nineties. I don't care about that, as they sound like a cretin, and I'd have to be defective to gain their approval.

I just want to say I find that moronic. I don't hate new fans at all. I wouldn't block someone because we disagreed.

Blocking denies people access to your blog, stating they don't deserve your ART. That's arrogant to me.

Blocker likes Ghost-Maker, but...

Ever since around October, I've progressively become angrier and angrier. Whenever I'm here or Pokémon enters my head, it just reminds that I'm pond slime, about the most crude, malformed half-life freak you can envision.

I don't like being here anymore. I keep intending to leave, the site and the fandom, and set fire to it all before I go, wipe away the slug trail to spare people's stomachs.

I kept quiet until now, but holding it in just made it more intense. If I may describe myself in ridiculously flattering terms, I feel like a shaken champagne bottle, but the cork is welded in, so the only option is for the glass to shatter.

If anyone's reading this, wondering where the fun went, well this is why I flipped. The red mist won't clear. I can't see beyond it.

I won't name Ghost-Maker, because I don't want to start anything, plus most will take their side. They may see this as they still rifle round these parts occasionally for posts that aren't mine.

Well done, Ghostie. You're the lucky one. We'll never meet and you haven't seen me. Pity the poor sods I've encountered. There must be vomit trails across the land provoked by my vile condition. I wasn't aware of this until you let me in on the secret.

There's an English television presenter called Caroline Flack. She killed herself yesterday and everyone loved her. I feel guilty that I'm alive and she's not.

#Pokémon #Tumblr

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