#everything about ILY is a tragedy the more you look at it

[trashlie]

Rand the Damned

Something that has become really apparent to me about ILY, especially the more I have these deep dives into the characterizations, is that ultimately, ILY explores characters who are trying to survive. Nearly every character in ILY is clearly someone trying to survive their circumstances, and while some are very obvious (Shinae, Nol, Kousuke) others you need to examine differently in order to see they, too, are trying to survive (Alyssa, Rand, Yui). Something I feel that ILY does especially well is the interpersonal relationships based on both context and circumstances, and why certain characters are able to better get along with each other and others continue to butt heads. For instance, Nol and Kousuke have always struggled because Nol was never able to see what Kousuke's real battle is - that his quest for Rand's acceptance has been but a small part of his psyche. Without understanding how Kousuke has been manipulated, gaslit, and literally drugged, how could Nol ever begin to understand why Kousuke treats him that way?

Abuse and trauma alters peoples' brains. It's not something that you just... one day wake up from and move on. We will spend our whole lives trying to unlearn our unhealthy behaviors, our coping mechanisms and that's for those of us who haven't experienced such brain-altering abuse and trauma. A very common theme of ILY remains repeating cycles - that people who never get to heal, or don't heal in a healthy way, will continue to perpetuate their cycles of abuse, of their trauma, of their unhealthy learned behaviors. Someone who grows up feeling like they are not allowed to express emotions, feeling like they must tiptoe around others' emotions is going to struggle to open up about their feelings, to feel like their emotions are valid, that they're allowed to feel and talk about what they feel, and thus, their relationships with others are impacted. What happens when they are close to someone who feels like they are being deliberately locked out and left in the dark? How do you resolve issues when you feel like you have to pack away your feelings and pretend you're fine, everything is okay?

This is something that permeates ILY at all corners, because it's fundamental to every interpersonal relationship - that we unwittingly pass on the hurt that has hurt us, that our experiences alter our perception, alter our behavior, alter the way we handle things. When I talk about Everyone x Therapy, this is what I mean. Nearly everyone in ILY carries some kind of hurt, some more deeply than others. This includes even the characters we as readers perceive as hurtful: Sangchul, Rand, Yui. Perhaps even Gun Kim, but frankly that is something I cannot bring myself to get into and I think we lack enough information to examine (but even in his case we can look at his father and glean how Gun would turn out the way he did).

Perhaps this will eventually become a series, where I sit and examine some of these characters more closely, as I have with Kousuke and Alyssa. But at this time I'm focusing on Rand, because I find him to be an incredibly polarizing character depending on the take you have. How dare you sympathize with someone who has been such a terrible father tends to be the main gut reaction, but as with all parents of ILY, there is no such thing as a good, perfect parent. At the end of the day, parents are people also trying to navigate their lives with the extra responsibility of someone else they're meant to take care of, to look after, to raise, with few resources and no guidebooks. The one thing ILY has taught me is to re-examine my own life, my relationship with my parents and the ways they hurt vs helped me, and their circumstances. Ultimately, we will always be victims of our circumstances, the results of our experiences.

So! Let's talk about Rand!

Firstmost and foremost, I want it to be clear that I'm not writing this in an effort to make people care about Rand or make him into someone's favorite character, but instead just to help people better understand him and his motivations. Too often I think we fall into the trap of believing that we can only like good characters and that liking those who hurt others or cause harm makes us bad people. But ILY is a fictional story. No one is being hurt. What I think ILY provides us, though, is a deeper understanding of real people and the ways that all people are complex, no matter how shallow they seem. This isn't about making Rand into a favorite character, but instead it's about examining Rand's circumstances.

When we examine characters through a lens of survival, it helps us to better understand their motivations and choices, as well as what is at risk and what they stand to lose which heavily factors into their motivations and why they make the choices they do. There's a lot we still don't know about the nature of Rand and Yui's relationship: were they ever lovers; did she ever fool him into thinking she was something else; was it always a business arrangement? This leads us to further questions, like did he meet Nessa before or after he married Yui? Because so much of ILY is about these cycles and parallels, we can look at Rand and assume that maybe, much like Nol has tried to do, Rand denied himself something he wanted in favor of something else, something he thought he needed more. As a businessman, it's easy to see how perhaps he and Yui were an arranged marriage, something not for love but instead for mutual benefit (and this feels even more plausible given how likely it is that Yui herself was not allowed to inherit the company but instead needed someone who would be adopted into the family via marriage and treated like a true Hirahara and needed him in order to have any role in the family business that she coveted). If Rand knew Nessa before, perhaps he told himself that what he felt about Nessa was a thing that would pass, something he could live without. Perhaps he convinced himself that the ends would justify the means, that his life would be better if he made this choice and denied himself something else he wanted. Love? Love can come and go. You can move on from anyone, anything.

But it's clear to us that Rand never moved on from Nessa. Long after he lost her, he carried her with him in that Bible. He may have told Shinae that it didn't hold luck for him anymore, that it hasn't for a long time, but that doesn't mean it stopped mattering to him. In a time when Nol needed it most, Rand gave up something that had brought him comfort in solace, in hopes that it can provide something of comfort for him, too.

What has been something of a safety raft for Rand to cling to as he treads the waters of survival has now been passed to his son, and I think this is as good a time to examine Rand through this lens of survival, and to better understand why he has made the choices he has and further, that I fear no choice Rand could have made would have been the right choice; it never existed, he was always damned if you do, damned if you don't.

A special interest of quimchee's appears to be female-enacted domestic violence. This has come up a couple times before, and is a theme she's talked about before on streams about wanting to explore, but I think we are seeing that quietly explored in ILY as well, though it's not the forefront of the story. Yui as a character very much is one who leads a reign of reign of terror, who so confidently believes that she is the hero of the story and everyone who stands against her opposes her, and thus are an obstacle to be taken out. Now, I still intend to write at great length about how I view Yui and what are her motivations and drivers, but the watered down summary is: I believe Yui was once the victim of abuse in addition to having always felt like she is lesser simply for being born a woman and bears a grudge against men and deeply resents them for what they are so easily afforded that she is not, that she was never given the opportunity or the space to heal and internalized this to believe that people deserve what happens to them, that those who are incapable of fighting back are deserving of what happens to them. This is integral in understanding Yui and how, yes, Rand's hands have always been tied by her.

I think when I say this, people think this immediately excuses Rand from the hurt he's caused, but it is so very important that we examine the ways that Rand's hands are tied, so that we can understand how nothing could really have been different, to understand why (in his eyes) he is doing the best he was able to. Again, an underlying theme is that people very much are often the victims of their circumstances. Yui herself even touches on this, noting that she is aware she is afforded opportunities, privilege, that most aren't. She herself also takes advantage of circumstances, in order to better orchestrate what she wants. For instance, consider the way Kousuke was left isolated - she took advantage of her husband's unhealthy work/life balance and further drove a wedge between him and his son so that Kousuke would forever feel like he is working towards an (unobtainable) goal, so that Rand would always be greatly out of reach, so that they could never become equals, be peers, so that Kousuke would always feel that feeling of inferiority and then she learned to utilize that inferiority as a weapon against Nol as well as to further isolate Kousuke, leave him dependent upon her.

Yui knows what she's doing, and Rand's circumstances are very much the base of this analysis.

What was the nature of their relationship? Was it simply a business arrangement Rand thought stood to benefit him? Or, a possibility I explore a lot more lately, was it possible that Yui tricked him in some way, took advantage of a more sympathetic nature perhaps Rand once possessed? I don't think we necessarily need to know yet what the circumstances are, because what matters is where that left Rand.

The mukoyoshi theory becomes ever more important the more we learn about these characters, and as we view their situations through the lens of this theory, we start to better understand the dynamics it's created. Supposing this theory holds true - and I believe it must, since we have canonical proof now Rand has taken the Hirahara name as his own - it sets the following precedent: through marriage to Yui, Rand has been adopted into the family as though he himself is a true Hirahara born of their blood, and as it appears that men are afforded more rights/opportunities, in some way Rand holds more rights in Yui's family than Yui herself does. She could not inherit the family company herself and instead had to marry someone else in order to carry on the lineage, had to give birth to a son to carry it on from them. I'm not going to get too deeply into this, because I think this is for another post, but again, this precedence is important because we need to understand why Yui would resent Rand for reasons beyond his affair, why from the very moment he married her he was likely trapped in her web, and why his circumstances were always against him.

Truly the greatest "mistake" Rand likely made was marrying Yui, but we're well beyond that now.

Yui very much is a controlling, abusive partner and it's clear to us now how she's been manipulating and abusing far longer than Rand's infidelity existed. We can see in Kousuke's early memories that the agitation between Rand and Yui in their clashing parenting styles had already become a thing that was wearing him down, that she gloated from her throne where she maintained the upper hand. Yui possesses incredible finesse when it comes to how she orchestrates things, how she nudges the truth, how she hardly has to do any heavy lifting for things to fall right into place. There's a whole essay that could be written on Rand's role in both the company and as a father and the crux of it always comes back to: he was damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. As part of the mukoyoshi concept, Rand has a duty to the company he has inherited, to the family he has been adopted by, to oversee things to ensure things run as well as they can. But as a husband and father, he has an obligation to his family. We see it often in businessmen, in people of the corporate world whose entire livelihoods depend on their career that they must make a choice. At this time it appears as though Yui's father regards Rand favorably, but would he have if Rand had chosen to downsize his responsibilities? Had Rand chosen to be around more as Kousuke was being raised? Especially if it's as we think with the Hirahara family, where childrearing is seen as a woman's role, that this is what Yui should be focusing on and that Rand, the mukoyoshi, had a role to fulfill separate of that?

When Yui told Kousuke that they are different from others, she was not wrong. We cannot view Rand through the same lens we would a man of lesser stature than him. We have to view him through his circumstances.

And his circumstances lead us here: to a man whose wife has probably been playing mind games with him from the get go who is trying his best both as an obligation to the family and his company and also to himself. We get enough glimpses into Kousuke's past to know that it's not that Rand had no interest in his son's life. In fact, Rand on many occasions is seen trying to instill something in Kousuke, trying to help him be aware of both his opportunities and privilege as well as the limitlessness of all that he could grow to be. I can only speculate, but with what we know, I have no doubts there was a lot of clever orchestration on Yui's part as to Rand's availability. They're both chairpersons of the company, and yet one of them was far more tied up - the one of them who is seen as more valuable to the family and company.

I want it made clear: what exists between Rand and Yui (and Kousuke) predates the affair and Nol. Yui was never a scorned lover who took things out on her lover's mistress and son. Had Rand never had an affair, he would still have been in this predicament with Yui and Kousuke, would have always struggled to reach his son as Yui continued to drive that wedge, to orchestrate their differences, to run interference. It was always Yui's intention that Rand be someone so completely out of reach of Kousuke that he would always be stuck vying for his attention, always trying to reach and surpass him, always so hungry or that approval that never came through. It just happened to be that Rand’s affair yielded another child, a potential heir (because it’s through Rand’s blood that the company goes), that she married this commoner man and afforded him everything she’d coveted and he embarrassed her, threw it all in her face, and made her look bad, created a threat to Kousuke’s position. But she already resented him, I think. She already had every intention of using Kousuke to take back what she believes is hers.

At some point, Rand must have grown exhausted, and maybe he gave up. Was that right, was that fair, when he had a child? When giving up hurt that child? When it comes to Rand, I think a lot about the safety demonstrations on airplanes, when they tell you not to try to help others (like your children) until you have helped yourself, until you've got your flotation device, your oxygen mask. If Rand himself is drowning, with Yui running laps around him running him ragged, how can he possibly help Kousuke? How can he possibly keep walking out into a hurricane, getting buffeted and thrown backwards by the wind, using all your energy just trying to catch up, much less ever getting where you need to be?

And that's the thing. When I say Rand's hands are tied, I don't mean it to absolve him - I say it to explain him. That Rand was always losing, that Yui has always had the upper hand. Rand has spent all of his time simply trying to catch up, much less ever getting to make an attack, much less ever getting to be a father.

I think a lot about the fact that at one time, Rand and Yui were separated, but they clearly never divorced. Why? What did he stand to lose if they did? I don't even mean just in his livelihood - though he certainly stood to lose a lot, and what happens to a mukoyoshi if they divorce, what assets would he lose? But more importantly: Rand stood to lose Kousuke. Even married to Yui he cannot protect Kousuke, but to be outside her reach? How much worse could it have been? Kousuke is already so incredibly isolated but we also know that Rand has tried to be Kousuke's father, that he has tried to reach out to him in ways that never reached Kousuke because of the interference Yui ran, because of the mindset that she had instilled in him as a young child that became such an inherent belief to him, because his love was commodified so that nothing he did or said to Kousuke could ever get through to this brain-washed child.

Another aspect of Rand's circumstances that are worth exploring is: he grew up an orphan. He was never adopted, he aged out of the system. Rand never had anyone to rely on, anyone to convey that warmth and love to him as a family might. He aged out and then took his life into his hands and became a self-made man with only his own back to rely on. Think about what that does to a person. Think about the way that might warp their perception of people and kindness and love. Maybe this was why it was so easy for him to choose a marriage for convenience. Maybe this was why he could pass up on the opportunity for real love. Maybe from a young age Rand was disillusioned, thought the world had nothing to offer him - the parallels between him and Nol are honestly staggering. Wouldn't it be so easy to make the choices he did, only to come to regret them later? To get a taste for something you thought impossible, or maybe something you thought you could give up, and be haunted by it?

It's not hard to surmise that Nessa must have been his true love, the one he could not quite give up, the one he couldn't let go of no matter how many years it had been since he made his choices, since he lost her, since everything went so wrong. And I think that as a result, it means that no matter what, his relationship with Nol would always, always be complicated. Nol would always be a reminder of what he had and what he lost - both in love and also in himself.

The parallels are truly staggering, and they extend far beyond the Rand Yui Nessa/Nol Alyssa Shinae cycle repeating itself. The kind of man young Nol described Rand as very much sounds like Yeonggi, like the kind of person Nol presented himself as. Yeonggi wasn't a mask just for Nol's friends - this was who everyone saw him as, including his family. Yeonggi was a means of staying off peoples' radars - never being so bad that he is in trouble, never being so great that he's also in trouble (with Yui and Kousuke). He was pleasant, got along with people, never caused trouble if he could help it. Not once was he roped into the family company - for better or for worse. He joked and laughed a lot, he seemed to always be there for friends. He was so much of what Nessa once saw in Rand.

Was it just that Nessa was the only person who drew that out of Rand? Or was it more of a parallel to Nol, that no matter how hard his life, these were integral core parts of him? Was he, at some point, taken advantage of? Did he trust the wrong person, reach out to someone undeserving? Was his kindness and friendship misconstrued by someone with far more nefarious intentions than he expected?

Something I can't help but think about a lot is the way that Rand always says what he means, but in cryptic ways, in ways Nol - and even often readers - cannot see through, that we have to reread again later. He never explains himself, never says what he means, and what is Nol to do with it, when everything Rand says comes off like a criticism of him no matter what? Much like Rand, Nol is damned if he does, damned if he doesn't. Does he please Rand or does he protect himself? Ultimately, they both have Nol's survival in mind, but one looks far less like it.

Consider Rand's words to Nol at the Kim formal - I don't deny that Rand said truly awful things. Does he fully mean what he says? Probably, in more ways than he can explain. When he tells Nol that he should be at Alyssa's side before someone less pathetic than him catches her attention, it feels both like "Do not leave her alone in a place like this with people like this because she will naively trust the wrong person and end up in a dangerous situation" and also "Behaving like this will drive away people like her". Is this the advice Nol needs? From his perspective, no. From his perspective, Rand finds him pathetic, finds him frivolous, thinks he's childish for being so lonely that he seeks out friendship at any opportunity, thinks he acts out just to spite him.

But from Rand's perspective, perhaps he thinks he is preparing Nol for this life - the family, the company, their social circle - the only way he can. He cannot reach out to Nol. He cannot be a father to him, lest Nol get punished more simply for existing. Rand knows all too well. He knows all too well what Yui is capable of - what she has done - and knows that in order to protect Nol, he had to create a buffer, the distance. In a way, it's like he sacrificed his right to be his father in an effort to keep him safe. For better or worse, Nol belongs to this society, too. He, too, needs to be aware of those around him, know who he can trust. In Rand's perspective, maybe Nol DOES look like he's foolish, going around trying to befriend people who might really be someone looking to take advantage of his kindness, who might be in Yui's pocket, who might be someone who doesn't have Nol's well being in mind. In staying with Alyssa, he's also keeping Nol out of harm's way, because he's not getting involved with anything.

Even though what happened to Shinae at the formal was clearly about Kousuke, Gun, and possibly Rand, it did still ultimately involve Nol. It did still ultimately get him involved and hurt - he wound up arrested and blamed for a crime he didn't commit and later took the blame for in court. Rand isn't entirely wrong: when Nol gets involved, it leads to more trouble, because Yui will take any and every opportunity to make his life worse. Even though this wasn't her ultimate goal (and it could be seen that Nol pleading guilty is not what she expected because Nol needs to be around and near Kousuke in order to be effective against him) it still worked to her advantage that it further plays into Nol's image that the public holds against him, that ensures Yui will be believed over Nol.

Rand isn't wrong: Nol underestimates Yui greatly, because he believes everything is about him and doesn't see how much worse it is, how much more of a monster she is, that this isn't about the illegitimate bastard son being a blight against her marriage, that it was always about so much more. And unfortunately we have seen that Rand is correct about other things, too - about how Nol's emotions get the best of him and while the "shove your feelings down and repress them" route is also not correct and healthy, we can see and at least understand why Rand operates the way he does, why he worries the way he does about Nol.

When I say Rand's hands are tied, I mean this: I mean that Rand has never had the opportunity to be a father to his children because Yui has deliberately run interference between him and one and if he shows any sign of affection, any sign of preferential treatment, any indication that he is trying to protect the other, it would make things worse for him.

He knows this.

Rand probably has an inkling about the night Nol was taken away - the first time he lost Nol. More than anyone else, Rand knows who Yui is, but has always been powerless against her. Without any proof of what she does, what can he do? How do you tell people that she is abusive when she doesn't lay a hand on you? When people make jokes of male domestic abuse survivors? How do you get people to see something that barely exists - because Yui doesn't have to get her hands dirty, because she never has to be direct. How do you make people see it?

When I say Rand's hands are tied, I mean whatever choice he makes would never be perfect, would never be right. What if he did it, left Yui and went to be with Nessa and raise Nol. What would change? Kousuke would be left even more alone. At least until now Kousuke felt that he wasn't good enough to receive Rand's care (even as Rand gave it) but what if he was convinced he was abandoned? And anyway, would Yui have stopped had Rand left her? I doubt it. It was never about the infidelity. If anything, it might have been worse. How dare this man, this commoner, come into her family and embarrass her - THEM - this way, to be given everything no one would give her just because he married her and then throw it away for what? Love? For a healthy relationship? To throw away everything she has coveted and worked so hard for? It would be such a slap to the face, an insult to her.

I don't think there was anything Rand could have done that would be "right". Yui would never let him know peace even if he left. If he fought harder, tried harder, maybe she'd have taken him down sooner. Perhaps not - she needed him to get this far so that Kousuke had someone to work towards, so that Kousuke can surpass him - but that doesn't mean she wouldn't have run him more ragged.

Do I agree with every choice he makes? Of course not. But I acknowledge that in his position, his choices are limited. I also acknowledge that in a man like him who has had to repress his emotions (lest Yui have something more to use against him), who has had to deny that he deeply cares (lest Yui continue to use that against him, to leverage it against him), who has been trying his damndest to survive and to help his sons survive when at every opportunity Yui is there to interfere has limited his choices. I understand where his agitation and fear and anger meet and how sometimes they are the same: how he wishes that Nol was never born because none of this would be so bad because if he'd never fathered another child then he wouldn't stand the possibility of being heir there would be no threat - that Nessa might still be alive, that Nol would never have existed to endure the abuse he did. I understand how he can mean and not mean the terrible things because he knows his role in all of this - that this was never about the infidel but it's still about the infidel, that Nol was always in danger no matter where he was. Reading 149 was the first time I really noticed, on a more immediate level - the way Rand speaks in double meanings, and how his fear and anger come out so often in what he says to Nol, because of how much he fears for him, because of how helpless he’s always been to protect him. “Why do you have to be my son?” Because maybe he both regrets that Nol is his son but more than that - what it means for him to be his son, the danger it put him in – that were he anyone else’s son, Yui wouldn’t have cared about him. He wouldn’t be in a position where he ever had to stand before the judge at all, let alone plead guilty for a crime he didn’t commit. “Why am I even trying, all of the effort will just go to waste”. And is he wrong? No matter the outcome, what good is all this effort? Not only that Nol himself can’t read Rand’s mind, but what if it went differently? Yui doesn’t stop - she has no intention and Rand knows it! If not this, it would be something else! “I should have just sent you away to boarding school from the very start.” Again, I don’t deny that a part of Rand probably means what he says, but I think the secondary meaning is still clear - at least if he’d sent Nol away maybe, just maybe, it could have protected him better. Maybe Rand thought keeping him close would be better, where he could see what was going on, maybe he worried he’d be in more danger if he couldn’t monitor him. Maybe a part of him couldn’t help but send away that one tie he had to Nessa - their child - had wanted to protect him for her.

I think that's the difficult thing about Rand. On some level, he acknowledges that thing are worse because Nol exists - but not in a "I hate my child" way but the guilt of a man who knows his child has suffered for his choices, the guilt of a man who knows that two peoples' (three when we include Kousuke, four when we include his own) lives have been ruined because of choices he made. It's not that Rand doesn't love his children - it's that he loves them so incredibly much and he is powerless to help them, that the effort he makes is never good enough that it makes it worse that it can't get through. That's the great tragedy: Rand was always damned if you do, damned if you don't, and it doesn't absolve him of the hurt he's caused Nol, but I also step back and acknowledge: what could he have done differently, that wouldn't have further endangered Nol? On some level, Rand has done what he thought was right. Only in hindsight can you look back and see how your choices were wrong, but even in hindsight you can only speculate, can only suppose. Would it have been better to send Nol away to boarding school, where he could have been away from everything? But that’s the thing with Yui, isn’t it? Her reach seems to extend as far as she wills it and she always gets her way. If she didn’t want Nol to go to a boarding school, she’d still find a way to stop it. And what if Rand had said screw it, stood up to her? Everything Rand did was ultimately to keep Nol and Kousuke alive, even if it was at the detriment of their relationship. He could have more openly defied Yui, but would she have let him get away with it? And who would protect Nol and Kousuke in his absence, if she did away with him sooner rather than later, if he went from being a fun game to an obstacle to be eliminated? 

Rand was always doomed to fail. That is the thing about Yui's trap - she was always set to have that advantage, Rand has always been trying to keep up. There was never a route where he succeeds here, because she always has the upperhand. What could Rand do for either of his sons that wouldn't have backfired? In a way, Rand's game has really been about the long haul. At some point, he must've known he'd never get to be their fathers. He tried! He continued to try. His methods aren't good but he tries to protect Nol, he tries to get through to Kousuke, he tries to give them the comfort he never had the opportunity to, but it's too late, it's all too late, but they are alive and that is what matters.

When Rand shows up after that night of absolute concern and worry, concerned about both of his sons, for the second time he runs the risk of losing Nol. He knows that it's too late, that nothing he can do at this point will help. He knows that at this point it's better to walk away, to leave Nol in the hands of those who can openly love him and openly take care of him, in the hands of those who don't endanger his life for caring. But we know that Rand loves him, no matter how much he has let his fear and anger mix up. We know what it has cost him, what he has lost.

The version of Rand that Nessa spoke of has never shown up. I don't think it's not that he never existed - it's that somewhere along the way he lost himself, the price he paid for perhaps the mistakes he made or the greatness he amassed. Maybe it was both. But he lost himself. He lost his sense of self, his identity. He lost both his sons, in more than one way. Rand, like so many others, is a character whose choices are rooted in his efforts at survival - but unlike others who are struggling to survive themselves, Rand's choices have been rooted so heavily in trying to help his children survive, too. He, more than anyone else, knows how dangerous Yui truly is, knows what she is capable of, knows that this is not only about Nol was never about Nol or the infidel, that it was always about more.

And yes, part of the tragedy is that when it comes to these cycles of abuse, sometimes the abused goes on to abuse, too. Rand closed himself off, repressed his feelings, tried to pretend he doesn't care, tried to hide how much he cared, and it still had ramifications. He did this to protect himself but look how it hurt others. And had done the opposite, it would have further hurt him and them. Something we as an audience come to realize is that Yui is so skilled at her manipulation, her execution of abuse, how she uses everything against everyone. Even her own son tries to hide his interests from her, tries to shut her out of his life because he, too, knows all too well what happens when Yui catches wind of any interest. So Rand closes himself off, he becomes an isolated fortress, an impenetrable island of a man that no one can reach and can reach no one. Maybe it's better, in his mind, that he was a cold, terrible father than one who couldn't protect him.

But the unfortunate truth is: there was so little Rand could ever do to protect them. He failed them, and not for lack of trying, but regardless, it was a failure still. And worse, because he was so blinded to what was happening, because so much of it was happening out of his line of sight, not only did he fail to protect Nol, but he drove him to another unforseen danger, one that he had hoped might be a life raft after all.

In the end, a man struggling cannot do much to save others when eh can barely save himself.

In the end, when Yui ties someone's hands, she does so expertly.

#I Love Yoo #ILY Brainrot #Randulph Hirahara #Yui Hiraha #Nolan Oliver T. Lochlainn #Kousuke Hirahara #Nessa Lochlainn #there's a lot going on in this post and it's mostly me exploring my new favorite subject: that in some way everyone is trying to survive #that Rand is such a polarizing character but also in his position what could he have done differently and it been better? #that this doesn't absolve him of the hurt he has caused but that also as a readers i can understand his choices #and that it sucks #everything about ILY is a tragedy the more you look at it #even Yui is a tragedy I think #and it's just so devastating that these tragedies continue to hurt over and over and over #I understand why people hate Rand and that's fine but #i also hope people understand that Rand has very much had his hands tied all along #that i don't think there was ever anything he could have done differently to yield a better outcome #and that is so depressing

[soleilnomoon]

Hiiii! :D <3 I owe you another event request that I announced.. sitting at work, yet another late evening, and dreaming of some Ace goodness. So may I ask for an ice cream sundae, donut hole, oatmeal raisin cookie, affogato and toffee? With female reader? :D If possible with the one serving the ice cream sundae being the reader? I need lotssss of caramel and whipped cream to get me through the week! Thank you so much!!!! <3

i can’t believe it took me so long, i’m so so sorry, but!!! it’s finally here *sobs continuously* so sorry bb that i took forever, but i only like to give you guys quality writing (esp with ace, i love him) so forgive me pls thank u & ily 😭💛🥺️

3.3k words, fem reader, nsfw, 18+ mdni; only a tiny bit of angst (yay), fluff!!!! and smut!!! ace needs to do better, and reader isn't as slick as she thinks she is (but lbr, when is reader ever slick). friends 2 lovers (surprise, surprise i know who am i), feat. v cute things like oral (m receiving), oral (f receiving), a lil roughplay but nothing crazy, a lil dry humping, idk other stuff probably idr anymore ૮₍˶ •. • ⑅₎ა but i had fun writing even tho the fluff almost killed me but for u i persevered! (if u see spelling/grammar errors no u didn’t <;3)

“look how we bleed from all this wanting” — ama asantewa diaka

unease is something you’re well-acquainted with — a painful, yet comforting, reminder of things that may or may not come. its slender vines wrap meticulously around each bone in your rib cage, lying in wait as your heart beats faster. it’s a pathetic, melancholic melody; a lullaby you can never escape. anxiety pours into you slowly — poisonous and haunting, tainting the lush, untamed garden that’s grown deep inside of you; one you’ve painstakingly tended to for most of your life, where your childhood dreams remain dormant, where your fears slither around in the thick vegetation ready to strike when given the chance. everything becomes fuzzy and unbearable, but you somehow manage to inhale several large gulps of air before continuing. 

it’s not easy keeping secrets, but you do it anyway. for him — only for him. today’s no different, as this is one secret you’re more than happy to keep to yourself.

contrary to popular belief, ace is much more particular about certain things than he lets on. for whatever reason, he’s adamant on keeping his birthday hidden from his crew mates — something you don’t quite understand, but respect, nonetheless. he says it’s because he doesn’t want the fuss and awkward fanfare of celebrating, but you know there’s another reason — one possibly drenched in tragedy and grief, so you refrain from asking again.

instead, you decide to celebrate with him in private; you’re best friends, after all. and after a few months of prodding, he finally concedes, giving you free reign to do as you please. a man like ace isn’t simple to shop for; you stress over his birthday gift for weeks, desperately wanting to find something unique — something that no one else would think to give him. it keeps you up for several nights in a row, where torn pieces of paper with scratched out ideas litter the floor in your room. at a certain point you scream into your pillow, desperate to get all your frustrations out before going back to sift through your failed gift ideas.

you pass out in the middle of ranting to yourself about your own incompetence, and the idea comes to you in a dream. when you wake up the next morning, you’re a little nervous but you’re sure this might be the one gift he wasn’t expecting — the one gift that he’ll appreciate and possibly cherish.

the thought of that only serves to rattle the tiny box of nerves that sits in the middle of your stomach — the lid barely attached; the contents ready to spill at the next inconvenience that comes your way. 

ace intentionally kept vague about what he wanted as a gift; he hates the idea of people scrambling around trying to surprise him, and instead keeps his expectations low. life, it seems, has helped him learn that lesson time and time again; it’s better, in his opinion, to snuff out any residual hope — the one that lingers behind all the disappointment that tends to follow him around — before it’s too late.

still, he’s curious to see what you’ve been working so tirelessly on. you’ve kept quiet about everything, and no matter how many times he tries to pry the answers out of you, you remain steadfast and keep the secret to yourself.

he's impressed, to say the least, and a flicker of excitement courses through him as he spends the morning of his birthday obnoxiously guessing what your surprise gift is. you wave him off, tell him to stop pestering you, but he doesn’t let up. there were times when you almost told him, but he has to hand it to you — you’re incredibly determined and stubborn. 

you convince him to come off of the ship with you and explore the main town of the island your crew is visiting. he knows you’re not that interested in exploring, that you’re doing all of this to distract him; he smiles to himself in secret, away from your curious and trusting eyes, unable to come to terms with the warmth that’s taken hold of his chest, pitifully churning his insides around. if he had more sense, he’d realize it’s his nerves that have gotten the best of him; but that’s ridiculous, what would he have to be nervous about?

especially on his birthday?

while he thinks he’s being stealthy by trying to hide his emotions, you catch him several times; you don’t say much about it, instead wanting ace to fully enjoy himself unrestricted. you admire the shape of his jaw when he excitedly looks around, nearly trip when you notice how sunlight drapes itself along his freckled, light brown skin, and choke on your drink when he glances over at you. the corners of his lips quirk upward, and a small, devastating, dimpled smile crawls onto his face. 

you’re rarely rendered speechless, but your inability to function properly causes you to let go of the cup in your hand — not that it matters, really. you don’t even care that the drink splashes near your sandaled feet, nor do you notice the way ace’s brows furrow together at your sudden clumsiness. a frown works its way onto his lips while you stand there stupidly, trying to remember what it is you’re supposed to be doing.

he tilts his head and briefly wonders if maybe the heat has gotten to you — you’re usually much more with it, but today you’re quieter and spaced out. when he opens his mouth to ask if you’re okay, you simply step over the fallen drink and keep walking down the street. something about your insistence on ignoring your recent faux pas makes him laugh out loud; he doesn’t mean to, but it’s just so damn funny to him.

and while you could be mad at him for the way he can’t seem to stop laughing at you, you know that the small bout of annoyance will fizzle out shortly. you can never actually stay mad at him, even if you tried — and yes, you have tried and failed several times over.

ace eventually catches up to you and that familiar teasing grin stretches lazily along his lips as he playfully grabs your arm and pulls you towards him. you steel your features as best as you can and narrow your eyes at him; the residual embarrassment from earlier lingers obnoxiously, making you stumble over your words.

or, that’s what you tell yourself, anyway.

because if he knew that it was because it’s become increasingly difficult to be around him for extended periods of time, then you’d never hear the end of it.

the problem is: ace already knows, and has known for quite some time. he never brought it up, because then you’d find a reason to keep yourself busy and stay away from him intentionally. he’s selfish and will continue to monopolize your time however way he can, especially today. you’ve never had an issue with ace touching you before, but for some reason his skin is warmer than normal — or maybe it’s because you’re still too nervous about the gift. you know that he’ll like and appreciate anything you give him, which is why you let out a soft sigh and rummage through your purse to shove a small piece of paper into his hand.

“i wanted to wait until we got back to the ship,” you say quietly, tongue suddenly much too big for your mouth; you try pulling away from him, but ace’s grip is firm, and you’re not trying that hard anyway. “but, um… happy birthday!”

he watches you curiously before glancing down at the paper in his hand; in a cute, neat script, you’ve written: birthday coupon (1 use only). and before he can ask anything unnecessary, you explain quickly, words tumbling out of your mouth in a rush.

“basically, you have my services for exactly twenty-four hours only.”

and, as ace is constantly in a state of perpetual confusion, he glances back at you to see if this is a joke or not.

“really?”

he wants to believe you, but he also knows that you’d never actually let him have his way for a day — or, would you? now he isn’t so sure.

your usual bravado leaves you faster than you can handle, so you nod a few times and finally manage to free yourself from his hold. after giving yourself a bit of space, you realize that you can think clearly now that he isn’t so close to you.

“yes,” you say lightly, hoping that he’ll buy your false confidence as legitimate. “whatever you want me to do, i’ll do. no questions asked.” you know you’re treading dangerously, but this was the best idea you could come up with. unease finds you again when ace remains quiet — a feat for him, as he’s usually boisterous and vocal about everything — but all of that doubt dissipates when a small, sly smile appears on his face as he pockets the coupon and beckons you closer.

“thanks, let’s go.”

you don’t bother asking where, because ace has already grabbed your hand and tugs you along with him. you want to tell him that he doesn’t have to hold onto your hand like that, but you decide that you deserve a bit of selfishness too. the day passes fairly quickly — you end up eating at several places with him, purchase enough sweets to put you into a sugar-induced coma, and laugh so hard you end up in tears.

he likes seeing this side of you, the part that’s carefree and full of energy; he admires how smooth and soft your skin is and thinks it’s impossibly cute that you can’t stop sneaking glances at him. you’re not as inconspicuous as you think you are, but ace doesn’t tease you about it. already he’s had you do silly things like balance on one leg like a flamingo in the middle of the shopping plaza and cartwheel as long as you can down to the pier — the latter was him testing the waters to see if you’d really do it, but you rise to the challenge and only fall over twice.

embarrassment be damned, as long as ace is happy today that’s all that matters.

when you make it back to the ship, the sun has set, bathing the ocean and sky with a pretty mixture of bright colors. you take a moment to lean against the railing to watch the sky, mesmerized by the artistry, while ace watches you and contemplates how best to proceed with you. he’s normally much better at hiding his desire and attraction, but today he’s at his limit. he doesn’t bother looking away when you feel his gaze on you; it’s always intense, having ace’s undivided attention — and while a small voice tells you that it’s dangerous to let this tension build to a frenzied state, a much bigger voice tells you to just let go and embrace whatever happens.

it's ace who grabs your arm and tugs you with him to his cabin, locking the door behind so that no one would interrupt; and it’s ace who plucks the coupon out of his pocket again, playfully waving it around as your brain scrambles as you try to guess what he’ll request next. it should alarm you that your excitement starts to build all over again when ace plops down lazily in a nearby chair, legs spread; something compels you to move closer and before you can say anything remotely foolish, ace pulls you onto his lap.

you tell yourself that it’s purely for the sake of ensuring he has a memorable birthday, but the truth won’t let you off that easily — not when you shamelessly straddle him as your skirt rides up your thighs; not when you thread your fingers through his hair and tugging on it impatiently; and not when you softly press your lips against his and mumble something along the lines of, “hurry up and ask.”

it’s refreshing seeing you take initiative like that, so ace tosses the coupon onto the floor unceremoniously before gripping your hips firmly. that warmth from earlier comes back in full force, and suddenly you’re wondering why the both of you are still dressed. he doesn’t hesitate when he runs his tongue along your lips, and you, in response, roll your hips forward and grind down hard against his stiff cock. a dangerous game, you know — you know — but you can’t help yourself; not today, anyway.

it's you who kisses him first — clumsy and rash, but after a moment, your lips move against his with more certainty; he guides you with his tongue, heat shooting up your spine, making you pliant and eager. each time he kisses you, you have to remind yourself that it’s not another dream, that it’s actually happening. and even if, after all of this, you both go back to pretending you’re just friends, you’re sure you’ll be fine.

maybe.

you don’t dwell on that thought though, and focus on the way ace keeps rubbing his hands along your thighs — slow and tortuous, the callouses on his hands rough, but welcomed on your skin. you’re panting and whining softly, the heat radiating off his body stifling, but also addicting. he’s not sure how much longer he can hold back, and you somehow get the hint when he bucks his hips against yours, your panties already damp with arousal every time your pussy rubs against his cock.

there’s a slightly dazed look in his eyes when you managed to climb off of him without your legs giving out, and it’s his own selfishness that drives him to watch you as you take off your clothes without prompting. is it adrenaline, lust, or the intoxicating effects of ace’s presence that has you in between his legs and on your knees. when he realizes what you’re about to do, he opens his mouth to tell you that it’s not necessary, but his argument dies in his mouth and fizzles out completely when you unzip his shorts and pull out his cock.

ace inhales sharply as a warm breeze slips in from the open window and tangles itself around both of you; and, although the moon hides sleepily behind a few clouds, some of its light filters through, giving you an ethereal glow as you run your tongue along the length of his cock before wrapping your lips around the tip. it’s not often that ace finds himself powerless in front of someone, but you’ve rendered him weak beyond comprehension. you suck and swirl your tongue around, dragging it along his slit and licking off the precum that leaked out.

it invigorates you — watching him through your lashes as your hands wrap around the rest of his length, twisting and pumping mercilessly, every stifled moan giving you the encouragement to keep going. you inadvertently rub your thighs together, pussy slick with your wetness, but, surprisingly, you don’t feel ashamed about it — not when you take more of ace’s cock into your mouth, relaxing your jaw and letting him have free reign for a bit. ace juts his hips forward, feeling only a tiny bit remorseful when he sees you gag, but the determined look in your eyes tells him that you refuse to back down.

when you feel like you can’t breathe, you lick down his length and massage his balls, earning a string of unintended, slightly incoherent curse words from ace under his breath. it’s a sensitive area — and, try as he might, he can’t help but moan your name out loud, his breathing growing unsteady, making you all the more delirious and obsessed. your teeth accidentally grazes his skin and he tugs on your hair more forcefully than he means to, startling you but not for the reasons it should.

his voice is low and gruff when he speaks again. “y/n… behave.” which is all he really needs to say, because while it was an accident, something forbidden swirls around your lower abdomen, making you bold and somewhat reckless. before he can say anything else, you suck on his balls, melting his resolve and small bout of annoyance.

he wants to ask if you’re trying to kill him, but he partially knows the answer to that already. goosebumps prick his skin as you look at him equal parts mischievous and full of adoration. he’s not sure why, but he likes that he’s only ever seen you look at him like that.it makes all of this that much more intense, and he knows that after tonight he can’t go back to being just friends with you.

it’d be impossible.

you take his cock back into your mouth again, bobbing up and down, his girth still a challenge, but you take it in stride anyway. and its when you suck on his sensitive tip again that ace’s restraint finally gives out; you feel him jerk underneath you, and his cum is thick and hot as it spills into your mouth. he half expects you to spit it out, and even through that post-orgasm haze, he’s amazed when you swallow it all.

with his face flushed — from the force of the orgasm, from how he can’t seem to keep his eyes off of you, especially after you lick some of his cum off of your lips — ace runs a hand through his hair before standing up and pulling you to your feet. he kisses you again, sloppy, yet domineering; your hands work on tugging the rest of his clothes off quickly, and it doesn’t take long before he has you on your back thighs clamped around his head as he devours your pussy.

nothing can compare to the high you feel right now, hips rolling forward, shamelessly tugging on his hair roughly, moaning his name louder than you mean to. anyone passing by can hear you, the walls are thin enough, but you don’t care now. his tongue glides along your slit, your arousal spilling onto his tongue before he flicks it against your clit.

something about the way he’s handling you — as if you’re able to take whatever aggression he tosses your way, especially when he slides his fingers inside of your pussy, finger-fucking and enjoying how you’re falling apart underneath him — makes you that much more reactive to him. and when he sucks on your clit — merciless, just like you were being with him a short while ago — you don’t hold back.

your cries are music to his ears, and he knows he should tell you to keep it down, but he also likes how loud you’re being. almost as if he wants other people to hear that he’s the one making you writhe around on his bed like that. the orgasm is sudden, brutal, and life changing; a blinding light practically incapacitating you, momentarily robbing you of your vision. your chest heaves as you try to gather your thoughts; a lightheaded feeling takes over, making you shiver, your sweet whining only makes him want to keep torturing you with his tongue.

but he refrains, for now.

after pulling back, you both look at each other for a moment before you pull him down for another kiss — this one tender, sweet, and slow. ace lets himself fall further under your spell, not wanting to ask if you complied with his selfish whims because you wanted to or because of his birthday coupon. and if he did ask, you know, deep down, that you’d tell him it’s very obviously the former — that it wasn’t only his selfish whim, that you were equally to blame for letting things escalate like this. not that it matters much right now, since all you can think about, is how you don’t plan on leaving his bed for the rest of the night. and how you know you’ll be plenty sore once he’s done with you later on.

#*sobs into hands* #i have so many more to do but don't worry i'm working on them <3 #fic request #500+ followers event #milestone event #🍭✨🍨sticky & sweet event🧁✨🍭 #one piece fluff #one piece smut #one piece x reader #one piece x y/n #portgas d. ace #portgas d. ace x reader #portgas d. ace smut #ace x reader #ace x y/n #ace smut #ace fluff #one piece imagine #one down... 1493984 left

[sea-dwelling-wizard]

my interpretation of stolas and blitz's relationship + ranting that goes nowhere

just look my way was the most beautiful mv ive ever seen. stolas 😭😭😭😭😭 bbg are you okay (he's not)

i've read through the comments on this video and i agree with, well, all of them! one really struck me, though:

i love this theory!

i have another one to add to this; several, actually!!

can the moon signify blitz's heavy emotional barrier? blitz is shown hiding behind the moon's outer crust in a protective position.

what i think is that he's protecting his heart, his soul; one that has been hurt many times in the past. he's suffered through the accident that led to fizzarolli losing his arms, his horns, etc., he's been through a breakup for a relationship that meant to validate his feelings, that yes, he can love, he could have someone love him, but all that happened was a breakup and public humiliation at asmodeus's lounge. and then there's his presumably dead mother and frustrated sister.

blitz doesn't want that to happen again. he's built such an emotional wall around his heart and his body that he doesn't realize stolas loves him. he doesn't want to get hurt. he's shown tucked away into the depths of the moon, curled up.

now, stolas--

i've been thinking about him a lot. the end really got me theorizing. he falls into the water, and he reaches his hand out only to 'drown' and wake up to reality, the asmodeus crystal on his desk.

i love that segment of the song so so much!!!!!!!

my favorite depressed owl boy hshshshshshshshhshs ily stolas <3

the moon affects the waves of the sea. it reflects its light on the water and no matter how far they go, they always go deep. the moon provides light for the creatures above and below. the sea is deep, it's alluring, and it drowns those who are too weak, cowardly, or overconfident.

stolas is drowning in it. the sea implies his deep feelings for blitz. what started as a one-night affair led to something more, and that was love. he's never been in love, and all this is new to him, but he's being acknowledged yet pushed away by blitz (see emotional barriers above). i feel like their emotions are mutual; however, neither can express it properly.

stolas is trying so hard.

at face value, blitz seems... ignorant? cold? busy? i, on the other hand, think he's trying not to get too close. there was a theory in that episode's comment section that blitz is not too educated and is trying his best to communicate. i have mixed feelings about that one.

the lyrics signify stolas letting blitz making his own choice, whether he wants the crystals or if he wants to continue the deal. i fear blitz will have the wrong idea on seeing the crystals. hopefully they clear everything up??????????? i might be hoping too much for a show that's bound to end in tragedy 😔

one more thing!!!

in the truth seekers episode, stolas had blitz on a leash.

could this mean that blitz thinks stolas is truly in control? that stolas decides where their relationship goes from now on?? stolas is royalty, so its natural blitz thinks so. he looks scared? hesitant? is he too hesitant... to do what? to accept stolas loves him? to accept that their relationship is bad in a way? to accept that he loves him? to accept what?!

stolas is smiling in this scene, but it was all a truth poison trip, meaning that's how blitz perceived him before. in the later episodes, i feel like this perception changed. it still hurts to see this, though.

tl;dr: the sea, or the water body seen near the end of the mv can either be stolas's deep feelings for blitz or a metaphor for his chaotic life. blitz has protective walls around his heart to protect himself from further harm. blitz feels stolas is in control of their relationship.

dear god this show is so well written- i could write more but alas i have other things to do

#character analysis #ranting #character relationship analysis #stolas #blitzø #helluva boss #character theory #vivziepop #hellaverse #helluvaverse #fandom theory

[boyfhees]

TAKE TWO | diluc

PRECIS. amidst rain and regrets, diluc asks you for another chance ( 1.58k )

GENRE. angst, bittersweet maybe, exes to ?

WARNINGS. they only talk like, 5 times in the whole fic, mentions of breakups, reader has emotional trauma bro, tea ( literally ) bc im a coffee supremacist, unedited version my old friend 🫶

NOTE. for my bestie and the best writer on this site @wolfhookk like u can never not fall in love with her writings, someone tell this to her until it's imprinted in her head. bff ily i hope u like this red hair man angst 🧎 ps there are a lot of lang leav references. ALSO THANK HER BC IF IT WASN'T FOR RI I WOULDN'T HAVE WRITTEN ANOTHER GENSHIN WORK ANYTIME SOON LMAO

“i don’t usually invite my exes to my house,” diluc shoots you an apologetic look, or maybe that’s how you perceive it. you were once good at reading his expression, now you no longer know how to do that, for the person in front of you feels like a stranger.

he doesn’t say anything, not that he has to. diluc thought it was fate, but then he realised it’s a mere coincidence. it rained without a forecast and you being the kind soul you are, let him stay over until the rain stops. and even though you told him to not read too much into the situation, you don’t think diluc understood a word, judging from the way he still looks at you with a lovelorn smile.

something shifts in the air after you step into the kitchen, almost half-a-way through the process of making his preferred choice of tea. there’s a dramatic pause right before you pour it into the cup, watching the wisp spin into the despairing air surrounding you in the kitchen. you take a step back, running your mind over all the moments you and diluc spent together, looking through the first mention of him in your memories— it’s gone, you conclude, faded or perhaps, hidden behind the blankets of sorrow and remorse.

your attention shifts back to the tea as you proceed to pour it into the cup, wondering why you still remember how to make his favourite tea the way he taught you, or how much sugar he prefers. you press your mind to come up with an excuse before all these things, they don’t make sense to you; not anymore.

“you still buy tulips everyday,” his voice drives you out of your thoughts. you pick up the tray, making your way into the living room, placing it on the centre table before taking a seat by the farthest corner on the couch.

your gaze follows his eyes, settling upon the wilted tulips resting on your kitchen counter. the truth is— you don’t want to buy them, but something about watching the tulips every time you pass by the kitchen puts you at ease. you don’t know the reason, you don’t wish to know either. the first time you bought tulips was for diluc’s first birthday after the of you had moved in together. it wasn’t the first time; in fact, he had a habit to buy flowers for you. a new bunch, a new arrangement, every single day. but something changed after that birthday. whether for good or for bad, diluc never purchased anything flowers except tulips. he says it’s because they reminds you of him, and you reasoned it saying that you’re down to settle with anything that makes him happy.

though, you don’t know if that’s the case anymore. the tulips, perhaps they’re for you. a reminder to never forget what you had, and a mnemonic for everything that you both could’ve been before everything withered down.

“and the tea still tastes how it used to,” he mutters above the silence intoxicating the atmosphere. there’s a sense of nostalgia in his voice, a hint of yearning in every word that rolls off his lips; and it all contradicts the words he said to you two years ago.

his words would’ve meant a lot more if he said them before he made mistakes that could never be corrected and before you decided to cut the string and walk on a separate path. that’s the tragedy of growing up— you’ll run out of feeling something new for the first time. the sad thing is; you only get so much of those moments— a handful if you’re lucky— and then you spend the rest of your life turning them over in your head.

maybe that’s why he meant as much to you as he did, and why you held on for so long even after knowing things wouldn’t work out. you didn’t know it back then, but he was the last time you would ever feel anything new.

“diluc—” your voice is almost quite, a bit above what classifies as a whisper, dripping with hesitation and groundless assumptions. “this means nothing.”

the need to classify that stays far beyond your comprehension, but you take a look at him and realise that he knew it, nonetheless. his hopeless eyes tell you that it’s all because of the impromptu rain; the way his gaze flutters all around the room, never residing upon you hints that diluc knows you invited him out of decency, and there’s no point hoping for this to morph into something more.

“i know,” he smiles, because you invited him over as someone you used to know; someone you wouldn’t have looked back at if not for the comical play of destiny.

you let silence lead the next few minutes. the sound of rain fading into nothing as it ceases to pour; a question pops inside your head— is he in a relationship? it’s stupid, knowing it’s none of your concerns now that he isn’t a part of your life anymore. your mind knows it’s useless, your heart craves an answer, and you wonder if the mind ever answers the heart. the way it keeps conjuring up what’s no longer there. you don’t know why you keep swinging like a pendulum between pulling him close and pushing him away, which you know the mirage will never be true. but the heart does not have eyes and the mind cannot resist when it asks, just one last time.

diluc puts the cup back on the tray, mumbling a soft thank you before wiping his hair with the towel around his neck, the one you had given him before letting him inside. “i heard you never dated after we broke up,”

there’s a look in his eyes you’ve never seen before, and it takes you a few minutes to recognise it for what it was— remorse. he looks at you, half defeated, half hopeful, as if he’s aware of the damage inflicted upon you, all because of his mistakes. you feel something linger in the silence, a broken fragment of memory, or perhaps the essence of unsaid words pressuring the air, forcing you to succumb to sorrow. it takes you back to when you were looking at him, desperate and with your hands into front of him to intertwine with his, and he called your name as if it pained him to say it. you don’t realise when it had stopped raining, or when the clock struck eleven, just the way you didn’t realise when the love between you and diluc shattered down to a chore.

he stands up, typing something on his phone which seems like texting, before his attention shifts back to you. “i’ll get going,”

“right now? it’s eleven at night. you can stay—” and a pause. it’s reminds of the very first time you had asked him to stay over; the night that ignited sparks of something between you and him that set ablaze when you kissed him because of a game of spin the bottle. “i mean, it’s too late and dangerous to drive back, especially in this weather.”

“i’ll stay at a friend’s for the night.” he states, you nod in response. there’s a glint of disappointment in your voice; perhaps you were hoping for something more, perhaps a closure— a chance. you don’t know why you had high expectations when you swore to never see him again. falling in love is dangerous. it’s like holding your heart in your fist and letting it go— one finger at a time. you know it’s getting out of your hold, slipping through your fingers, yet you can’t do anything. there comes a point when you’ve let it get out of your grasp, surrendering it to someone; and falling out of love is like walking hand in hand with death because your heart lies somewhere astray, with someone else, but you have to move on.

because first love is never the first person you give your heart to— it’s the first one who breaks it.

you follow him to the door, noticing his every single move as he slips into his coat, followed by his shoes. you realise that you’ve always loved him more than yourself; so much more than even after all these years, every single piece of your heart years for him, or even a part of him, knowing that if there’s someone responsible for all the days and nights you’ve spent spilling tears on your pillow, it’s him. it’s like a tender sacrifice; like a faint silence felt in the lost song of a mermaid; or the bent and broken feet of a dancing ballerina. it’s in every considered step you’ve taken in the opposite direction of him, and his every word that drove you away from him.

diluc stops as you were about to shut the door, looking you in the eyes for the very first time that night. “i know everything that happened was my fault,” he begins, and you wonder if you’re ready for another one of those apologies he offered you after you broke up with him, but his eyes tell a whole ‘nother story. “but in future, if you find yourself in a position to fall in love again, please fall in love with me.”

and the second you tried to tell yourself that you weren’t in love anymore was the moment you realised you were, and you’ve always been.

taglist in the rbs.

#prod. — caelin. #album. — genshin. #genshin x reader #genshin impact #diluc ragnivindr x reader #diluc x reader #genshin diluc #diluc angst #genshin angst #diluc fic #genshin fic #diluc headcanons #genshin headcanons #diluc drabbles #genshin drabbles #naur i need to know ab popular genshin tags i cannot copy the hq format 😞💔

[finniestoncrane]

28. Arkham Riddler! "Tell me you love me." He's had it with hero!readers shit and getting pissed off. TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM BEFORE HE POPS OFF AND BLOWS UP THE CITY OR SOMETHING.

ok omg this one was hard because i honestly can't imagine having to be forced to tell arkham!ed that i love him, it would be harder for him to get me to stop because he is baby (also ty ily omg vanity my bb pls everyone stop reading my trash and go read hers)

Tell Me You Love Me, Arkham!Riddler x Hero!Reader, word count: 688 (just a lil ficlet, a baby if you will)

request info • prompt list • send me a request • kofi minors DNI!! 🔞 sfw, no big warnings

“You have…” you watched as the Riddler, standing in front of you on the roof of the apartment building you were on, checked his watch. “…just over three minutes to say it.”

“Well then, we’ll die together in three minutes and take a lot of innocent people with us.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be the hero?” He chuckled lightly, scoffing at your callous attitude.

“I suppose… but you’ve underestimated just how strongly I dislike you.”

“Oh, you’re seriously testing my patience! How hard could it be to just admit it!?”

“Because I’m not willing to lie in order to inflate your ego.”

Ed raised an eyebrow at you, his face screaming ‘seriously?’. You took a moment to reflect as the timer he held ticked down with irritating, pulsing little beeps. Of every villain you had encountered so far in your desperate bid to at least chisel away at Gotham’s crusted layer of crime and tragedy, from a low level thief to extravagantly dangerous rogues, Edward Nygma had so far proved to be the worst. Not in action or methods, far from it actually. He was handsome, oddly muscular and with a unique and intriguing smile. Charming, somehow, beyond his grating need to turn everything into a puzzle, a challenge. And his irritating self-confidence and boastful nature only inspired some awkward feelings of reverence and a desire for him to pat you on the head and tell you that you were clever for finally catching him.

“Time’s ticking! Are you ready to admit I was right yet? I mean, I always am. I’m The Riddler for God’s sake.”

“I can’t! It’s not my job. It’s the antithesis of it, actually.”

“Oh, what a fancy word! I’m surprised that someone dumb enough to let themselves and hundreds of others die in a horrific explosion would have been too stupid to know what that meant.”

You scowled at him, but he offered a softer smile than usual in return. There was no unpleasant undertones of mockery or self-importance. It was sincere.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad to admit it. But then again, you’d be the laughing stock of the city, never trusted again among your peers. What kind of hero falls for the villain? A weak one. One that can’t be trusted to do their job right. But if they knew him like you did. If they’d spent the time you had learning about him, conversing with him, basking in his charm, his humour, and his intelligence. Would they understand a bit better? Or, more likely, would they come to the conclusion that he was in fact more of a nuisance than they originally though and come after you both with fire and pitchforks.

“Listen, Riddler…Eddie. I can’t. You know I can’t.”

“No, you can. You shouldn’t, maybe. But that’s a whole other matter. You know I’m right.”

“Even if you did, I doubt much good would come of it.”

“Ah, that’s a risk we take though. And what is life without some risks, some challenges?”

You looked at him, deep into his eyes for the right answer, since he seemed to always have it.

“Time’s almost up. Just say it. Stop trying to play games with me, to best me. I know it, and I know that somewhere in that silly little brain of yours you know it too. It’s impossible to miss the signs, and I’m growing tired of your attempts at ignoring them, and me. Now quickly. Tell me you love me.”

You watched as the timer ticked down, quicker than seconds usually passed, six, five, four, three…

“I love you!”

He didn’t move, and the timer continued. You squeezed a few more out in the last remaining seconds of your life and his, and the hundreds below you in their beds or watching tv, blissfully unaware.

“Ed! I love you! I love you! I LOVE YOU!”

Zero.

Nothing.

You opened your eyes, which had instinctively but uselessly scrunched close to protect themselves from the blast. Ed was smiling at you, a smug, self-satisfied grin spread across his face.

“I knew it. I’m right. I’m always right.”

#finnie writes #coming in clutch with the content today fellas #arkham #arkham riddler #arkham!riddler #arkhamverse #batman #riddler #the riddler #riddler x reader #riddler fanfic #the riddler fanfic #the riddler fanfiction #riddler x you #the riddler imagine #q

[zukkaoru]

HI, MY LOVE!!! how about 17, 27, and 29 <333

HI BELOVED ILY 🥰💞

17. Your favorite character to write this year?

megumi (no one is surprised) listen he just. he's so blorbo shaped. he's just like me fr. he literally just wants to be loved but he would never say that because he doesn't think he deserves it. he's my bestfriend. my silly little rabbit.

27. What do you listen to while writing?

it changes with every fic i write tbh sometimes i will loop 1-2 songs that fit the vibe of the fic exactly, sometimes i'll shuffle the playlist for the ship/character i'm writing about, and sometimes i'll just shuffle my current repeats playlist - it kinda depends what mood i'm in. sometimes i will also write without listening to anything (like if i'm writing during work or in class.. or if i can't find any music that fits the current vibes) i did also listen to the prison realm lo-fi while working on a fic bc nothing else was working skdhsjsk

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

ah yeah,, this one comes from itafushi soulmate au,,,, i wasn't going to share it before posting the fic but for you my love i will do anything <3

Megumi never even met Geto. He doesn’t really know how dangerous Geto was or what Geto’s plans were. In his eyes, Geto was more mythical than human. He was intangible, a lost love, nothing more than the kuroyuri on Gojo’s skin. Always kuroyuri.

When Megumi had looked up the meaning of the flower, he found two: Love and Curse.

Geto was the clouds floating overhead; always there, but never reachable. Gojo could never outrun him (could never scrub the flowers from his skin) but instead of tearing himself apart over it, he learned to dance in the rain.

To Megumi, Geto is a figurehead of everything wrong and terrifying about having a soulmate, but also a symbol of an entirely unconditional love.

And now he’s dead, killed by the hand of the only man who never stopped loving him.

honestly i'm not sure i can exactly explain why this sticks out to me so much but it's just.. there's something abt megumi only knowing geto in theory - only knowing him as gojo's soulmate - and therefore having an entirely different perception of him than everyone else. megumi gets into this mindset where he almost idolizes the idea he has of geto bc to him, geto isn't a real person. he's the flowers on gojo's skin and he's a tale of tragedy and he's what megumi's future may very well look like. but if megumi's soulmate left jujutsu high with blood on his hands, megumi would follow.

#i love a lot of this fic haha #you would know bc i keep reading parts of it out loud to you skhdjgs #anyway ty so much for the ask beloved ily <333 #corey tag #ask game #(i keep forgetting) there's no love in the end

[katherine-mcnamara]

hey! it's been a hot minute lmao but i return! i was wondering, is there someone i can find more info about your muses? -rph server person

Hi there!!! and also Happy Hannukah or Merry Christmas eve or just Happy holidays if you celebrate you amazing kind person! 💕💕💕💕

I haven't rped outside of jcink really  so sadly there is not! I did put a couple of my faves personalities under the cut however from their bios. so IDK if that helps sorry i am so difficult ily

Tw’s for cass and ronans bios I think. And some of these are long bc..... I love them. I have like 70ish chars so ADLFASLDLF rip  and i mainly play in fantasy/powers type genre so there will be mentions of that.

Cassia -  Katherine McNamara

Cassia was taught from a very young age to hate herself and everything different about her. that she was wrong, a monster, and that she would only bring death and pain in her wake. something she still believes to this day, it’s not something you just simply decide to stop believing when everyone you’ve ever loved died as a result of something you couldn’t stop. she has failed to protect everyone, and that, in her mind, just proves her father right in that regard. she has a lot of self loathing and self hatred.

But she is not her father. and she refuses to be associated with him. she doesn’t believe in his work either. she is very pro supes. she’s pro a lot of things that she was ‘made’ with the intention of eradicating and being used against. and while she’s not a people person, while the very thought terrifies her, she has no problem standing up and being in the way when it counts.

She’s a selfless person with an extremely altruistic nature. she sees nothing wrong in hurting in the place of others. especially those more deserving of living and of being pain free. that isn’t limited to people she knows either. she would put her life in danger for a perfect stranger without even thinking twice about it. the nature to protect others, is very prominent in her. no matter how much she tries to play it off or act like its the same as anyone else would do.

She cares about people, and while she can’t really say it, she can definitely show it and she does in both subtle and not subtle ways. she doesn’t let anyone she cares about not know it, whether that’s through touch, looks, concern, or just constantly checking on them. or even just using a softer voice with them, or listening to them more than she would a normal person. she’ll never walk away from anyone she loves. and make no mistake she does know what love is. and she is one of the people who loves deeply and without remorse over it. both platonic and romantic. she rarely makes the distinction because to her they are both equally as important to her. one isn’t less than the other.

Part of her resistance to let the words be out there, to really throw her cards on the table, to even consider a relationship, or anything else of permanence, is that she has a huge fear of abandonment. of being left again, of not being enough. she’s suffered so many losses, so many setbacks, messed up so many things, and hurt people, that she doesn’t think she ever can be good enough for any of that. never mind deserve it.

She’s been broken and remade in the name of one man’s mad vengeance quest, and then broken again through even more tragedy and loss. but she clawed herself back up and rebuilt herself. she’s made of iron and steel. that’s the one thing people forget when they set out to break someone. to strip them down to nothing for their own purpose. they forget that the person knows what it’s like to be at rock bottom. to have nothing, they know what it’s like to go through the worst in life, and survive. and that’s cassia at her core. she’s a survivor. she will walk through hell and come out of the other side. no matter what you throw at her, no matter what you do to her, she’ll survive, she’ll push herself back up from the ground. because she’s endured worse and survived. so she knows she can. and god help anyone who pushes her to that extreme.

She’s not hard to get along with or speak to, she’s a good person at her core, and as much as social situations make her uncomfortable, she won’t be rude about it, unless the other person is too. she tries her best and that’s all she can do. but if people start unnecessary drama, she’s out, she’s gone, she will climb out the window if she has to. that sets her anxiety right off and she doesn’t know how to deal with that. and she doesn’t think she should have to anyway. she has social anxiety, so she's not the best at making friends. but she does try to keep the friends she has. even if she can’t really handle a lot of attention.

Cass has a penchant for trouble. she has a sarcastic sense of humour which doesn't help and she will make jokes to ease situations, or just because she thinks it’s funny. even if it might not be the best time or place. her mischievous probably doesn't win her any points either. another thing that probably doesn't win her any favours with some people is that she won't hesitate to call someone out on their bullshit.

She finds it almost impossible to trust people. it would probably be easier to win the lottery than it would be to earn her undoubting trust. she'll always have that thought in the back of her mind that it's a trick, that she's going to end up betrayed all over again. though she's not intentionally cruel, she's actually quite shy. but after her father all but tortured her, she finds it hard to accept kindness, her lashing out with words, and sometimes physically is just her way of trying to protect herself. it's an unhealthy way to think but she knows no different

Though while she's bad with trusting people, she does build up affection for people in her life and she’s naturally softer with them both emotionally and humour wise, without noticing. her loyalty can be earned, if you can put up with her. and to those people she's extremely protective of. there isn't anything that she wouldn't do for them. legal and very much illegal wise. she would legitimately die for those she cared for. and while she can't trust other people, she does help people if she can. whether that be with giving them a roof over their head for a few nights or hurting someone who has hurt them. she's a giving person deep down. and she knows what it's like to suffer, and she doesn't want anyone else to have to.

She doesn't really advertise she's a hacker to unknown people. she has circles she travels in that get her steady business, and if she feels like it she can hack into a huge business and siphon off some cash without them ever being able to trace it back to her. though she's only done that twice before, and neither was for her own benefit. it was for the benefit of people who needed and deserved much more than money from the companies that had fucked them over.

She was always a bit of a computer genius and hacks into anything no real questions asked, for money. it's not her dream job, but it lets her feel like she has control. control that she'd been missing all her life. and that’s a huge thing for her, to have control for once, it’s why she can freak out if she loses control of a situation. she never learned that not being in control isn’t always a bad thing.

She'd assist wanted criminals much more than she'd help the police. it's not morally correct but she's gotta pay her bills somehow. and it comes with the added benefit that she has contacts in very dangerous places that she could call on to help her out and they gladly would. because she’s helped them in the past, and she despises the police a lot more than they do. she has the trust of a lot of dangerous criminals, and vice versa.

Nobody's perfect and i can see people not liking her at all. she's insubordinate, reckless, impulsive, sarcastic. all that fun stuff that makes her not the most easiest person in the world to like. she might be a pacifist to some degree, in the regard that she doesn’t want to hurt or kill anyone, and she probably couldn’t take any more blood on her hands, but if she has to step on a few toes, or break the law. it's worth it to her to protect those she loves.

Cassia never attended any sort of school or college, she never had a mainstream education. though she was taught the basics in the program she was confined to. but there was something about that, that, when she was able to, she taught herself more than she needed to know. it was like she was trying to make up for things she had lost by proving to herself that she could hide scars and faults and damage under intelligence. and she is intelligent, she has a big iq, and she studies things for fun, even to this day.

People could say that cassia has a high pain tolerance, but, with her, it's not that she doesn't feel pain, or cry out after a point. it's that she's just used to pain and torture. it's true that she'd most likely have more of a reaction to emotional pain than physical pain, something that she was trained to be used to. she could get injured and not even notice she was bleeding. because it's something she was so used to that it doesn't even register in her mind to check on herself. it just happens. she's also stitched herself up more than once.

Cassia has trouble with doing nothing. she can’t really stay still, she always has to be doing something, always has to be on top of things and stimulating her brain. she gets restless super easy and part of it is that she’s not good at thinking things through. she acts on impulse. she doesn’t wait she leaps into things head first with no safety net. which is both a blessing and a curse. she’s always been impulsive.

She has a heavy heart, and she feels things intensely, especially negative things like guilt and remorse. she will forever carry the guilt of things she’s done and caused, of the people she couldn’t save. she’s hard on herself and she doesn’t let herself forgive herself. she doesn’t seek out forgiveness either. doesn’t think she deserves it or ever will.

She's the type of person to face her fears head on when challenged with them. deep down she knows the only way to overcome something is to stand and face it. she spent years running from her problems, from everything she fears and it only ends in disaster. people get hurt, she gets hurt. but sometimes she forgets that she's just a human being, that she can hurt and feel and fail. that she can feel fear and have things she's scared of losing. just like she has things she's scared of.

Her own emotions are often strangled and pushed to the back burner, in aid of helping someone else, or in aid of not feeling them and their effects. she hasn't cried in several years for example. and she knows she struggles with putting herself first, with dealing with her own emotions. but she's a master at compartmentalising and acting like nothing is ever wrong or gets to her

.On the fear front, she hates being in small, cramped spaces. she loathes elevators, refuses to even get in them. it's a fear dating back to where she lived most of her life in the labs. the cages, the tests. the confinement. forcing her into a situation like that is a guaranteed breaking point. she also has a fear of birds.

Lunara - Hande Ercel

despite being sick since she was a baby, lunara has a very lively and playful spirit. she often finds ways around her illness to do things she wants to. and even as a child never let it really control her. her vivid imagination only growing stronger as she got older rather than dampening

due to being sheltered all of her life, because of her parents beliefs and who they were, she can come across as a bit naive and like she lives in an entirely different world to the one she's actually in. often having to be snapped out of her daydreams, something she used to cope when she was isolated by her parents with nobody to talk to.

this has led to her not being very good with strangers, she's extremely shy and often trips over herself and her words when she meets new people. however she is extremely kind to everyone she meets. friend or stranger. she finds it hard to hold things against people or to not see the good in others. her patience is unmatched.

she believes in herself just as much as she believes in others, she knows her value so to speak. she tries to be as independent as possible, a need striving from her years of being suffocated and sheltered by her parents. to be a burden is the last thing she ever wants to be. despite this she does falter sometimes, and will seek reassurance from those she trusts.

loyalty and bravery run deep in her core. she'd never betray anyone she cared about, no matter what bad things befell her for it, and she would go to the ends of the earths for her loved ones. even when she's scared she can find the courage to push through and be brave. for herself and others.

lunara is an extremely affectionate and caring person. she is in love with the mere concept of romance and love and believes in soulmates. though, she believes there can be more than one. in her own words, a soul is a very large and magnificent thing. people have so much love in them and she believes that loving someone or multiple someone's is just part of nature and doesn't detract from any other feelings or relationships.

Shiloh - Steven Yeun

Shiloh has a way with animals, he can communicate with them, though his strongest bond, and link is to nola. electus realised early on they could get him to tame their animals and keep them under control. which, usually he does without question, because he doesn’t trust them not to hurt the animals given how distressed his own was when he first saw her again.

He has a better grip on english than he did 90 years ago when he first landed in superno, but that doesn’t mean that he still doesn’t use the fact that it’s not his first language to his advantage. if he doesn’t want to talk to someone or is trying to get around something he’s being told to do by the higher ups he defaults to acting like he can’t understand them/his english isn’t as good.

Though he understands almost perfectly. he’s very resistant to actually speaking of his own accord. that is, unless he has something worthwhile to say. he’s more than happy to go days, even weeks sometimes without talking, until someone strikes up a conversation with him or asks him something. he’s never been one to place himself into things just for the sake of it.

he tries to see the good in everything, and the good with being stuck here is his family, the troupe, and he looks out for them the same way they do him. in any way he can.

He enjoys the simple things in life and doesn’t take them for granted. he’s very calm and relaxed and has a happy go lucky attitude that he tries to cheer others up with. they’re all dealing with their own personal hells and demons, shiloh has picked that much up. he doesn’t want to be someone who only adds to it.

He’s a friend to anyone who needs one, though he doesn’t jive with anyone who is being awful for awful’s sake. and there’s only so much stupid he can stand before he shakes his head and walks away. real connections mean a lot to him and he values the people he has in his life. any troupe member can come to him for anything and he'll make the extra effort he wouldn't normally with them. because the troupe is his family just as much as his animals are.

Romance is whatever really. he’s not going to fall into bed with anyone who bats their eyelashes at him but he does like the comfort of sharing something intimate with someone when there’s a level of care and love between them. aka i don’t even know my dudes, he likes who he likes and i’m not gonna get in his way if it happens.

Ronan - Dominic Sherwood

he ended up flunking in school. he'd always struggled in school, always struggled in general understanding things. but lord he tried. he tried so hard at everything he put his hand to.

He became reliant on his humor and his sarcasm to get him through each day. making a joke out of yourself is easy when you've been made to believe that you're the worst person on the planet and make your family's life hell. 

he soon learned the only good thing about himself was his looks and used those to his full advantage. he even stars in adult movies when his labouring work dries up. though he gets so out of his mind at the time he couldn't tell you the first thing about them.

He's not the type to give you the shirt off his back, mainly because he likes being alive too you know. but he's not going to leave someone to die and be an asshole either. not unless someone deserves it. basically don't fuck with his brother and you'll be golden. he might be the youngest of the two but he's always been the more protective of the two and the strongest. his brother means the world to him and he'd take a bullet for him any day of the week.

He has a strong moral compass, if he's against something then there's no budging him on it. he doesn't give a shit if someone else wants to do it, he ain't your mother. as long as you don't expect him to follow suit. not unless he wants to.

If he's helping you, it doesn't necessarily mean he likes you. don't expect something from him, and you won't be disappointed. it's not that he doesn't like connections. or isn't a rather friendly person when someone isn't trying to hurt him. but they're all trapped in the city, and given his past. you're going to have to excuse him if he runs a mile if someone tries to cling to him or force emotion down his throat. him caring about anyone, unless he knew them before would be a slow process. most people are going to give up long before he starts to feel anything for them.

Humour is his comfort of choice. he has a kind of cheesy, self depreciating humor that's mixed with sarcasm that he leans on like a crutch when he's uncomfortable or stressed. it was a coping mechanism he learned early on in his life and it's served him well.

You can try to get him worked up, but one thing he's learned in his life, is to internalise his feelings and not to give away what he's feeling. you'd have to push him a hell of a lot to get an emotional response from him, and even then it wouldn't be a positive one. let him warm to you gradually, don't try to push him. not unless you want to be met with extreme aggression. i guess he's a bit like marmite. he doesn't go out of his way to start things either. but he'll definitely finish them.

Flirting is like breathing to him, he does it automatically without thinking. 99% of the time he doesn't even mean it. it's just his nature and what he's done to survive. he's gotten by on his looks and his charm for so long it kind of blended in to his personality. he can be warm and loving and soft however. but it would take a miracle to get through to the deeper sides of him.

Ceren - Cemre Baysel

born into a prominent coven of witches descended directly from a royal bloodline. all of the hazan children were destined for great things as foretold before each of their births. the twins were no exception. before ceren and her brother’s birth it was said that they would be the ones to end centuries long feuds. a grand prophecy for the youngest children of the bloodline who were expected to not have much powers, if any at all.

coming from such a prominent family all the hazan kids had their lives pretty much set out for them before they could even walk or talk, and the twins were no exception. though they were both a handful in their own way. much to their parents and nanny’s chagrin.

bubbly and inquisitive, ceren was more of a handful than expected. she wasn’t a trouble maker per say, but she was one who was always getting into stuff and sometimes that meant trouble. she was a dreamer and curious, wanted to know the hows and whys of everything.

she frustrated her parents to no end. especially when she clearly didn’t share their same views on other species. no matter how much they tried to scare her or terrify her of others. she just got more curious. they almost lost their minds when she befriended a vampire and when trying to scare her over what vampires did to fae didn’t work she was banned from seeing them.

she trusts easily and wants to see the best in everyone. due to years at the hands of her abusive and controlling parents, she's not very knowledgeable in the world or in reading people's intentions. she also doesn't have much self esteem and blames herself for everything. but she tries her best. and in the end just wants a simple life full of affection and love

#rphservergifts

[kendallroynsfw]

Hi! I adore your fics, I've been following you since your theonsa fics, they were honestly my faves ever. Your style feels both simple but complex in the best way, like when you see some dancer doing a choreography that you know it's difficults but it looks effortless. A weird metaphor I know, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say. Anyways I wanted to ask what are your favs books :)

ahhhh you are so so so kind to say! thank you so much, this message seriously made my day <3 i can't believe i'm lucky enough to have so many people read my silly little fics, and the fact that they actually like them???? insanity.

i've got quite a few fave books, i'll try to list all of the ones that are REALLY special to me (and tack more on as replies to this ask as i remember them! in no particular order fyi

1)The Phantom Tollbooth by Norton Juster. my most read and re-read book ever. a work of art on every single page. the “no order” thing above does not apply to this one; tollbooth is absolutely my favourite book of all time. it’s the book that made me fall in love with writing as a child. truly life-changing.

2) Play It as It Lays by Joan Didion. i just love books about women who go batshit you know?

3) Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro. this book is my favourite of the past 5 years at least - i utterly adore everything kazuo writes, but Klara is just...there's nothing quite like it. it's a masterpiece imo.

4) The Hobbit by JRRT. I don't feel like i need to explain this one!!!!!!!

5) Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut. if i think too much about the part where he talks about lot's wife and the pillar of salt i will literally go insane.

6) Tin Man by Sarah Winman. it's about the young queer love and longing and tragedy and heartbreak and and and and

7) Neverwhere by my most beloved @neil-gaiman!!!!! i have spent all my life wanting to be Door.

8) Also... Stardust by Neil as well. the most feel-good delight i ever did set my eyes upon, it never fails to cheer me up.

9) do graphic novels count? because if so, Uzumaki by Junji Ito. i love me some deeply deranged horror and uzumaki is just...eesh. it settles into your bones and makes itself right at home there. masterwork.

there will definitely be more that i'll add to this list at some point but those are the main ones, thank you so much for asking ily etc etc etc xoxoxoxoxo

[unintentionalgenius]

One line, any fic

rules: pick ten of your fics, scroll to somewhere midpoint, pick a line chunk and share it, and then tag ten people.

Tagged by @kitkatpancakestack (ily). All of these are on AO3.

Mah tovu ohalecha, Ya'akov (9-1-1, Gen)

“You’ve got to be really assertive,” she giggles. One hand to her yarmulke, she tosses back the last of her wine and crumples a napkin into the cup. “Otherwise, they’ll race right past you.” Like she’s confiding a secret, she whispers, “They all get the extras, so sometimes they’ll try to make sure there’s lots of extra.”

my lost was saying found (Teen Wolf, Peter/fem!Stiles)

He starts to flip through, looking for the right section; it’s not like ancient bestiaries have tables of contents. He only makes it through a few entries before he’s distracted by Stiles, her torso still angled towards him from her chair. She hasn’t gone back to her book, and he wonders why, and he’d also spend the night naked and human in the Preserve before he’d let on that he’s noticed. He can’t see her face from this angle, and if he shifts to see her, it’ll be obvious.

Put Away Childish Things (Teen Wolf, Peter/fem!Stiles)

And then, he must have let his attention lapse from her for too long, because Stiles starts tossing popcorn and trying to catch it in her mouth and missing. She’s just an absolute tragedy, hasn't caught a single one, and he watches this go on for entire scenes - it’s much more interesting than the movie itself.

He’s paying plenty of attention - he’s transfixed - but he still doesn’t manage to dodge when she overshoots by a mile and a piece hits him square in the face. She jerks, slightly, like she’s remembering that he’s here, even though she’s been dodging around him the whole time, chasing after pieces of popcorn.

They're not cuddling, exactly, but Stiles is - will smell like Peter, when she leaves.

A Twisted Thing Cannot Be Made Straight (Teen Wolf, Peter/fem!Stiles)

“You don’t suppose it has anything to do with the guy we’ve got in the basement, do you?” Cora asked, acerbic and rhetorical. The betas had, apparently, more or less recovered from the compulsion in Peter’s call.

Peter gave her a sharp look for her flippancy, but the lines around his mouth tightened and he was forced to concede, “We don’t know that for certain. But I am very skeptical of coincidences,” he finished, with a significant look at Stiles.

the bane of honor, the death of duty (Game of Thrones, Jaime/Brienne)

He parries, “You do not usually think so highly of yourself, that the machinations of queens and kingdoms are aimed to hurt your feelings in particular.” She does not flinch; it was no true blow, he put no strength behind it. He cringes, though, and sighs. “I - I would not trouble you for anything less than this,” he says, with an aborted gesture around them, at everything they both know is outside these walls.

so throw away your baggage and go forward (9-1-1, Eddie Diaz/Evan Buckley)

Eddie can’t keep looking away; there’s nothing left to distract him.

So he has to look at Buck, standing there so sure, cracking open his ribcage for Eddie to see inside like it’s no big deal. It makes him want to offer up something in return. He’s got longer friendships, sure, high school football and Army buddies and cousins who don’t really count, but he can honestly say: “You’re my best friend.” He should’ve told him long before now, because Buck’s face just lights up, and Eddie’s a little embarrassed to admit it makes his throat feel tight, all of the sudden.

Come then, and be broken (9-1-1, Eddie Diaz/Evan Buckley)

“Oxy,” Eddie replied, reading the bottle. He shook a pill out into the cap and then set the bottle back down on the counter. From the dish rack, he grabbed a glass and filled it one-handed with water. “Just so you know,” he said on his way out of the kitchen, nodding towards the pill bottle, “I’m only leaving that uncapped because you’re here to watch it and the boys are outside.”

“Eddie, I’m not really worried about you being cavalier with controlled substances,” Hen said, but picked up the bottle anyway.

Kon alegria i plazer (9-1-1, Gen)

As he awaits Chris’s return, his phone vibrates in his hand. He unlocks it and opens the message that just arrived, a photo from Sophia, his favorite new amateur genealogist. In it, she and her boyfriend are lit only by a pool of warm yellow light, eight candles glowing brightly enough to illuminate both their faces fully. They look happy. Sophia, in particular, looks like something finally just - fits. Eddie feels a brief, agonizing pang of jealousy before Christopher clambers back into the chair beside him, an entire tube of aluminum foil in hand.

Litost (Supernatural, Gen)

She can watch other things, too. They never force her, but sometimes, if she’s not paying attention, the static click of the TV sounds behind her, followed immediately by the sound of voices, of a fist fight, of a negotiation. She turns it off as soon as she realizes. Over time, she catches names, bits of detail, key words she might cling to if she desperately needed something, anything new. Anything from outside. Names like Winchester, Michael, Lucifer. Places - Heaven, Hell, South Dakota. Angel blades and holy oil and demons and fire and brimstone and falling. 

Bless These Wicked Hands (Sons of Anarchy, Chibs/Tara)

The flare of the cigarette falling from the sky startled her; she watched as steady fingers lit another, though she knew anyone up there had to be three sheets to the wind, that late at night. In the flare of the flick of the lighter, she recognized Chibs. She watched him smoke, sat on the picnic table for half a cigarette, living vicariously through him. Each inhale lit his face, dimly, washing it orange; the moments he toyed with the lighter in his hands did the rest.

I'm tagging @ongreenergrasses, @ragequilt, and frankly if we're mutuals and you write fic and I don't know it, you should consider yourself tagged too.

#ao3 #my fic #writing #i love the variety of fandoms on display here #also even though I have read SO much more derek/stiles #I somehow have only written peter/stiles

[smoosnoom]

i think this daily compliment will be long :)

i want to start with the title, bc as a non-native i just learned what a “salubrious” is. thanks for enriching my vocabulary i guess.

so i highlighted a few phrases that i particularly liked:

“Contrary to popular belief, he doesn’t like crying” yeah... cause will isn’t crybaby, just something doesn’t allow him to live in peace and without tears.

“voice the bare skeleton of what it should be” ur analogies 🥺

“and the reminder of what he’s lost makes him cry just a little harder” oh will :( this boy already awakens my maternal instinct and it breaks my heart that he has a broken heart.

“He’s a mistake when he’s awake, a murderer in his sleep, and a monster in both” i was starting into the void for a couple of minutes when i first read this.

“The air is cool and tasteless” you so accurately conveyed the state after a panic attack, when you calmed down and begin to notice such small things like air temperature.

“Mike holds him like he isn’t revolted, isn’t disgusted by the mess that Will is” and he isn’t!! every time will thinks badly of himself a piece of my soul dies.

“Mike feels all-encompassing, bigger than life, with long limbs and a bold personality” once again: i love the way you write! for some reason i felt so happy and satisfied after i read this sentence.

“you know you’re my best friend” im too soft for a reminder that they are best friends above all. like i know everything about you and still love you.

““I care about you,” Mike repeats, like he’s trying to say something else” the way you don't make Mike say "I love you". he’s a teenager, and scared, and in love with his best friend. of course he’ll choose another word.

“Mike’s staring problem seems to be heightened, now, when he shamelessly looks at Will” as he should! will is too pretty to not look at him.

“and Will feels vulnerable and exposed, but he’s also tired, and – it’s Mike” you emphasize one more time that they’re best friends and know each other better than anyone else. and that's why i love them so much.

“He fists the hand on Mike’s chest, and tugs him closer by the shirt, and Mike meets him halfway” i love that even though will is scared he still does something, still pulls mike closer.

“Will doesn’t deserve this kind of care. Mike keeps kissing him like he does” he does :( my poor little insecure boy.

“Mike is warm all over” nothing special im just a firm believer that despite the fact that mike is made of bones and skin he always has warm hands.

i also liked how mike left kisses on will's face. it's always so tender and sensual and vulnerable.

one again ily, i love you, I LOVE YOU. idk how many times i could repeat it bc i genuinely love u and how u create this fluttery worm things in my stomach ♥️

(im so sorry for such a long comment)

phhggmy god . jesuss christ im having heart palpitations i need u Permanently expelled from the face of the earth i am using u as a garnish i am feeding u fish food ohh my god . I Love U

if it helps i Also just learned what salubrious means ! i am always trying to expand my vocab :D

EXACTLYLY u get me so well . will doesn't Like crying but his life is literally a shakespearian tragedy it ISNT HIS FAULTTT

my analogies . what if we smooched

anytime will byers comes onto the screen i feel like a mother Joyce Byers I Understand You

HEELKGP so sorry for sending u into some sort of crisis 😭

:D im so glad u think so !!! i try rly hard on those kinds of aspects, i did it in "asunder" as well with him trying to calm himself down !!!! imssoo happy u thought so !!!!

will byers Therapy arc when

!!!!! thank u so much what if i figuratively literally die

YEYEYS they were friends first !!! they have that stable foundation !!!!! it will always come first !!!!!! that's why they work so well !!!!!!!!!

that is so true and real mike wheeler is a little scared too and i think that's valid

SSOOO TRUE will byers i need to paint him immediately

friends to lovers my adored <3

i think that's their whole dynamic u know Like . even tho they're both scares they still care abt each other and want each other close . despite the fear . Yeah

will byers Therapy arc Part Two

!!!!! and with will's aversion to the cold !!!!! mike warming him up !!!!!! daily anon u get me like no one else

YAYAYYYYY im so happy u liked the kisses i hoped it wasn't cringe or fail or loserish or Yikes !!!!! thankuuu so much

i Love u actually . i am taking u off to greece and we r sharing a bowl of strawberries . thank u always for being so so kind to me, u cheer me up endlessly !!! thank u !!!!!! 🫂🫂

#/ask #daily alya #long post #wow #anon u were Not Messing Around #AND NEVERRRR APPLOGIZE AGAIN #ill track u down and steal all ur fucking shoes

[trashlie]

FP 215 and 216 + some shippy commentary

Whew boy! It has, yet again, been a while since my last one, and I’ve had SO MANY thoughts rattling around my brain, but I’m so bad at juggling my multiple hobbies. I’ve recently gotten back into learning watercolor painting and having so much fun with it, but there’s such a limited number of hours in a day and I lose hours while I’m painting, aaaaaaahhhh! 

Anyway, I really want to try to gather some thoughts before this week’s ILY update, because my GOD I have LOVED where we’ve been with the story. I know as readers we collectively have looked forward to this never-ending night lol but I feel like there’s so many things I was personally waiting for that are finally coming to fruition and my GOSH it feels so rewarding and so exciting! 

Now, you guys know that I have been chomping at the bit re: Kousuke, but I’m going to save him for a separate post. I’ve been yelling about him a LOT lately and I want to take a break, hehe, and dig into some other aspects, so we’ll be covering FP eps 215 and 216 in this post, but I swear I’m going to try to get my Kousuke thoughts out this week before the next episode drops ;_____; I have... so many thoughts about him and especially Kousuke + Nol as family and enemies aaahhhhhh. But for that - LATER! 

I mean, okay, I guess I do have to touch a little on Kousuke lol and how we got here, since I never really dropped my thoughts about the episodes leading up to this hhhh I’m really behind! Kousuke being his own worst enemy all these years and thus bringing about his own downfall (of sorts) is just sooo poetic. And don’t get me wrong - I have a lot of deep feelings about this because, as we know, while Kousuke has been on a shitty path, there are reasons he ended up there, and the dramatic tragedy of him fighting something that never really existed feels like such a sucker punch. He has spent so long making an enemy of someone who only wanted alliance, and in his quest for Rand’s affection - for his father’s LOVE - he has brought the utmost of disappointment to him. I think it’s worth acknowledging that this was not Kousuke’s intention. He had no intention of punching Nol and fell to his knees when Nol pushed him and jeered so there’s only so much of this I’m willing to pin on him, because I doubt he expected his punch to land so much damage, you know? Nol goaded him and he got more than he bargained for. It’s not so very black and white. 

But regardless of intention, we arrive at a hospital - mercifully not Hirahara Memorial - with Nol in a really, really bad shape, and to no surprise, it is Shinae (and Lil Buddy!) waiting on him to wake. 

I love everything about this for so many reasons! It’s very much a sort of parallel to the night Shinae was in the hospital, with Nol sitting outside the door, except now we so much more friendship between them since then, and shinae doesn’t sit outside his door but is dozing off on the side of his bed. When you think about everything that has happened since that scene, it feels surreal! Nol and Shinae both have been through so much beginning with that harrowing night of the gala. and though Nol has tried to run away, all of it has only brought them closer, whether or not he’s able to admit it. 

And this is actually something that I love so much about these episodes! In the episodes leading to this, at Minhyuk’s party, Nol was so cagey and edgy, all sharp edges and dangerous shadows, as if he was daring her, as if he was trying to see how far he could push. It’s not that he dropped away the Yeonggi mask entirely and revealed who he really is as much as he adopted his Nol persona and pushed it forth. After all, Yeonggi is just as much a part of who he really is, as much as his sharp edges he tried to soften by pushing Yeonggi forward. That’s what we get to see in this episode: he is as much the boy who initially approached Shinae as he is the man who’s tried to push her away, whether or not he’s willing to accept it. Even after confirming their mutual care and respect for each other, Nol (inebriated at that) pointedly shared his darkest, hidden side - and it didn’t scare Shinae off. 

Certainly Shinae was exposed to the most private side of Nol - the darkness and sharp edges he uses to push back against the world, the part of him that he was so desperate to hide - but in these episodes, we see the most authentic aspect of him. Where all the alcohol he drank earlier in the night brought out what some might consider the “worst” of him, I think the morphine drip brings out a more authentic take on Nol. No inhibitions, but no edges, no sharp bites, and just enough honestly that he may regret it later. 

And I love it! I loved seeing how Shinae dealt with such a dark, edgy version of the friend she was so desperate to catch, but I REALLY love getting to see Nol and Shinae return to their roots in these episodes, in terms of their rhythm, their beats, their chemistry. I think they play off each other in such a surprisingly natural way - Nol certainly has been taken by surprise by it before, but I don’t think Shinae is as aware of it. The way she responds to his prank (which is, admittedly, such a dark, cruel prank lol) and turns her own despair around to prank him back was just beautiful, absolute art lol. He’s always had the upperhand, but since climbing up to join her on the rooftop, they stand toe to toe on equal footing. 

But honestly, it’s so nice? To see Nol laugh again? Even if it came to him via a mean prank, even if it’s because he’s so at ease on morphine. Isn’t that so weirdly twisted - this is what it’s taken to bring him a well-deserved moment of peace, for the waters to become placid, even if temporarily. He came so close to dying! And only then has he found his peace. (Very similar to the pool fall at the black and white formal, where he denied himself a different sense of peace.) 

I love their rhythm! How they go back and forth so easily (with Lil Buddy’s assistance heh,.. Nol can’t catch a break!) and they just feel so NATURAL. It’s almost hard to believe that just a few months ago, Shinae wanted nothing to do with him, and now she has been exposed to the most raw and vulnerable parts of who he is, has become acquainted with him in a way that no one else yet has. 

I love it, I love them! There’s a sense of intimacy woven into the episodes, with Nol allowing himself what he’s never before, resting on her should. He is metaphorically as much as literally allowing himself to lean on her, finally, after all the struggles he’s endured alone. After everything he has faced alone, he is allowing himself to share a moment with someone, even if he can’t admit it fully out loud. Would he have done the same if not for the morphine? I guess it’s pretty much a moot question, because we only get to have this moment because of how much he’s endured, finally hitting that limit. He nearly DIED - and he would have, had Kousuke not gone out after him. How far would he have gotten before he collapsed and bled out in the snow, perhaps Rand wouldn’t have even seen him. It’s scary just how close he came to no longer existing. 

So I suppose there may not be a scenario where Nol would allow himself to lean on a friend. He doesn’t say it, but I expect it’s at the back of his mind - his fear. Is he relieved? Would he rather have been left there in the snow? I suspect as much as he’s been suicidal in the past, that’s not how he wanted to go. Idk, I have a lot of quiet thoughts about this - about how painful recovery will be and would he rather have let his flame go out like that? Or does Shinae’s presence make him rethink those ideations? Is the presence of someone who cares - who has seen his darkness and still cared about him, who has been hurt by him and still cares about him - enough to make him feel relieved that he is still here? He’s so weary, so exhausted, and look at what extremes he went through before he allowed himself any reprieve.

In a really weird way, this reminds me of the phone call in episode 73 while Shinae is in the hospital with her dad and Rika, which is funny, because Nol spends that whole phone call deflecting and lying about his condition. But it still carried that sense of tender intimacy - the two people alone while the world around them is at rest, just a stolen moment of comfort in their sea of storms (although during the phone call the solace is definitely more so for Shinae’s benefit than his own). Here we have a similar scenario - two people alone while the world around them is asleep, the snow blanketing the city around them, no one aware of this moment transpiring, except this time Nol allows himself to benefit from the solace and the comfort. How many times has he reached out only to deny himself whatever it is he seeks? How many times has he made himself prop himself up, unable to allow himself to take comfort (denying that he deserves comfort)? 

“I thought you didn’t like the silence?” “I don’t.. but I like THIS silence.” 

Perhaps it’s just the morphine, but there’s something about that exchange that just GETS to me - that silence is otherwise so constricting, so claustrophobic, so unbearable, except this one. This one is special. This one is nice. This one is comforting. Again, that layer of tragedy underlines it - that this wouldn’t be happening had he not nearly died. That he’s in so much pain but it is, for now, masked by something that can take it away. Isn’t that what he’s wanted? Something that softens the blow, that little moment to catch his breath? 

And GOD the way Shinae reacts! So many times this evening she’s found herself flustered, found herself feeling something unusual in response to him - whether it’s his honesty or his dark edges or this - whatever this may be. Nestling her face against his shoulder as she relays the way they found him, the way they barely managed to get him in in time (losing blood so fast there was truly NO minute to spare!) and how he seems to take comfort in knowing it’s not the family’s hospital when he turns his head and buries it against her. I love it, I love them! I keep saying that but aaahhhhh I always love their intimate moments, these little moments stolen in the stillness of the night, when no one else is around to mind them. A song shared during her lunch break, a phone call in the night, a passing moment when she puts his earbud back in his ear, a moment of banter before work. And just like every time, no matter how Nol tries to resist her, to turn away, to place a barrier between her, it always fails. He’s SO drawn to her, whether it’s because she’s the only person who shows him concern, the only person who notices him, who pays attention to him - or something more - he has only once been able to push her away. 

I also really love how quimchee plays with the rhythm here -  the comedy feels so organic, spliced between little moments of tenderness that is reminiscent of the earlier episodes’ comedy. It’s so light and playful in those ways - everything has been so heavy as everyone has struggled through their own plights, but Nol’s sneezing, Shinae sneaking in Lil Buddy, her impression of Rand and his laughter, it’s all so playful and light, such a delightful contrast to the moments preceding ad following. Again, they just have this way of being with each other that is so comfortable and wonderful to read. To be fair, I think Shinae has wonderful chemistry with a lot of characters - she’s always fun to read with Soushi, Minhyuk, and even sometimes Kousuke - but what’s really good about this is how Nol falls in line with her, the ways they play off each other. Everything about their collective panic over the machine beeping is so comical and feels so much like Yeonggi and Shinae! It just feels... idk, authentic. This is him, no fronts, no masks, nothing played up, just a lack of inhibitions and their shared rhythm. 

I usually try to read these scenes without a romantic lens - is this just friendship? Is this platonic? We know they’re soulmates but where do they fall on each other’s radar? Is it just that this feels like such a secretive thing? How do they affect each other? But I cannot deny how SHIPABLE these moments feel - how Shinae has spent this whole evening so affected by him! It’s so hard to read Nol, because he hides things so well. Does he, too, feel affected by the intimacy of their stolen moments? I’ve always felt he’s so caught up in what he’s running from and what he’s hiding from that he probably has never allowed himself to be honest about his feelings. Numerous times we’ve seen surprise on his face when Shinae shows him concern but is it just surprise that she sees through him or is he ever delighted (or scared) by her ability to do that? It’s so hard to tell! I’ve been of the mind lately that she’s the one feeling something - or at least showing it, but I wish I could get a better read on him. I feel like Nol allowing himself that moment on her shoulder is something, maybe? It feels a little reminiscent of their hug in 151 - one of the only times he was able to create the distance between them, and also one of the only times he allowed himself that moment - but the emotions of it are incredibly different. 

This is where I’ll allow myself to get into the shippier thoughts, though. Like I said, it’s just so difficult to get a read on Nol - I feel like on some level we’ve barely scratched the surface of him, even though I also think we’ve seen some of his most raw angles. But as far as shipping stuff goes, there’s still so many questions. The way he talked about Alyssa never really indicated that there were ever feelings as much as him trying - and failing - to keep her out of Yui’s reach. I still wonder what their friendship was like. Is he just blinded by futility? He can only look back on it this way, because all of the good times - when they were friends - have been overshadowed by her need for Yui’s approval? I bring this up because it’s the only real comparison we have as an indicator of Nol’s feelings. He never even mentioned Alyssa when he was in the alley with Lil Buddy - and I guess there could be a couple reasons why. After all, he was speaking of the friends he was leaving behind, the ones who he didn’t want to let go of, and Alyssa wasn’t part of that group. But it could just as easily be that he thinks it’s a lost cause - Alyssa has chosen her path and there’s no point in trying to fight her. 

At any rate, we’ve always been shown the different ways that Nol and Shinae interact and behave, especially contrasted to Alyssa. I wonder how much of Nol she’s met - does she only know happy-go-lucky Yeonggi who has never put his own needs ahead of anyone else’s? That’s what I assume, based on the way she talks about him and how “easy” their relationship was - that he is someone who never made a fuss and had no issue with her doing whatever she wanted without him. But again, I think it’s safe to assume that Nol is the most himself we’ve seen with Shinae, which makes sense given that he struggles so much to draw that distance between them. She just brings something out of him, and it certainly has a lot to do with the fact that she pays attention to him, she notices the little things he got used to people not noticing, she showed him the kind of friendship he was denying himself. 

And, damnit, I can’t help but ship them, when they have these moments. This is why I find myself shipping them, rather than enjoying the possibility of platonic soulmates - because how do you develop this bond, this kind of relationship, and then move in different directions? How do you share this kind of tender intimacy without it feeling like something Else? I am a big fan of intimacy =/= romance and there are ways it could have played out between them, but I also think that so much of their intimacy has been these little pockets of calm shared together in the shadows that have changed who they are as people. And just like intimacy does not necessarily always equate to romance, attraction doesn’t always indicate romance, either. We’ve seen that Shinae is definitely attracted to Dieter, but I think the way she’s drawn to Nol is different. That intimacy is there - Shinae has been able to share things with Dieter that she couldn’t easily share with others at first - but idk, it just feels DIFFERENT in a way that’s so difficult to articulate. 

Because of their shared and similar experiences, Nol and Shinae have this rather innate understanding of each other. Shinae is both understanding of why Nol is the way he is, but also pushes him and doesn’t allow him to make those excuses - look at the way she verbally assaulted him when he feigned forgetting his memory lol. I think it would be difficult (although not impossible) for anyone else to feel that with him. In fact, in general, it makes me wonder who Nol will be in the future - will he ever be able to forge other, genuine relationships outside Shinae, Dieter, and Soushi? 

Shinae has made it abundantly clear how important Nol is to her, both to him and to others. Is she as important to Nol? Does it scare him that someone now knows so many of the things he’s hid and tried to mask, or does he find comfort in it? 

The thing about romance is that there’s not an easy before and after - it’s the kind of thing that happens over time, little by little, sometimes moments more noticeable than others. The night of the black and white formal, Nol spent so much of his time and energy looking out for Shinae, taking care of her, trying to keep her safe, and since that night she has returned the favor, doing just as he did - reaching out and opening herself up and making a point to be there for him. What is that to him? Is it friendship? Is it something that blurs the line? I don’t expect them to figure it out any time soon, if there’s something, if it means anything, but in the same way I just wonder how he sees it. Like I said, I think it’s more evident with Shinae - she’s had the signs more frequently, but what about Nol? 

I genuinely just love watching them play out and develop, the way their experiences bump into each other and their lives merge. Whatever path Nol is on, I hope he’s realize that Shinae is a part of it, too, in whatever form he wants her to be. I hope he realizes that there is someone who has his back completely, who can accept him at even his darkest, his lowest, his absolute worst, and will continue not only to just root for him, but assist him. It’s one thing to cheer someone on, it’s another to assist with the heavy lifting. That’s what it is about them that just GETS to me; they have found in each other something they denied themselves. Shinae built her walls tall, so afraid of being hurt again, and lied to herself about not craving that companionship. Nol forged fake friendships because he didn’t think he deserved real ones. In each other they have found someone who unconditionally accepts who they are, who pushes them to be better, who has their backs. It’s hard not to ship that! 

All I ever hoped of this night was that Nol would go back to his friends, that they’d find a way to make up - or begin to make up - and now look what we’ve got! And we’re left with Shinae discovering that this whole arduous terrible night was his birthday! RIGHT after he pointedly evade it, too. There’s been so many opportunities for him to tell her - she invited him to the very party! lol like!!!! To discover his birthdate as he pointedly avoided answering to the nurse - is she going to call him out on it? I think given everything she’s learned, she’ll probably understand why it was something he didn’t share, that it was part of the secrets he carried but I still want to see what she does with this knowledge. Because it’s not the fact that he never divulged it but rather the fact that a. he’s still hiding things which is much more likely because b. he has endured the absolute worst shit on this very night. On his birthday. No one told him Happy Birthday - instead he just nearly died. ;________; Isn’t that so fucking SAD?! 

In very different ways, Shinae and Nol have both had the same goal in mind: to make each other happy. Just like earlier in the night she offered to help him relive one of his last, happy moments about Christmas, I’m sure she will once again offer to give him at least one happy memory about this birthday. Something worth celebrating, if it’s only that he’s alive and loved and that people care about him and he is worthy of his love. ;~;

IDK i feel very incoherent at this point so I think I’m going to end it here lol JUST KNOW THAT I HAVE SO VERY MANY FEELINGS that I have been rereading these episodes in awe of the tenderness and the intimacy. I’m such a fan of Nol and Shinae’s Stolen Moments of Calm aaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh 

#I Love Yoo #ILY Spoilers #ILY FP #ILY Brainrot #Stalkyoo #Shinae Yoo #Nol #Nolan Oliver T. Lochain #Aegi #I ADMIT IT at the end I went into some shippy tangents #I WILL NOT DENY MYSELF THE JOY AND THE PLEASURE OKAY #genuinely i have LOVED this whole arc from the very beginning of the company party to where we are now #all of the tension that has built and cultiminated #Nol going through his edgy little fit #the confessions and make ups #the comedy interspersing the intensity #the episodes leading to these were SO INTENSE just choking with intensity #and here we have one of my favorite ILY features #Nol and Shinae's Stolen Pockets of Calm #I LOVE THEM OKAY #i have talked SO MUCH about how their friendship forms in the shadows out of the direct eyesight of others #so much of the way they've come to know each other has been divulged in the shadows in the dark in moments stolen in the night #in harrowing experiences #in shared experiences #in those rare moments of calm #it's the way he taught her to be a friend and she used that experience on him and he didn't even expect it #it's the way he tried his best to cut ties and he failed so miserably #it's the way that after everything he cannot stop her from caring. she's unstoppable #and why would he want her to be anything but? #AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH PLSSSSSSSSS I JUST AM AWASH WITH FEELINGS OKAY ;A;

[moonmeg]

//The Owl House - Hollow Mind Spoilers!!

Sweet cheese and crackers I knew Hollow Mind would be wild (haha funny) but I seriously am gonna need a minute-

Hunter is a grimwalker, and the chilling thing about that is that he's one of multiple previous tries that ALWAYS WERE INTENDED TO LOOK LIKE OTHER WITTEBANE BRO since Belos/Philip says Hunter is the one to look most like him. And all those previous Grimwalkers and Golden Guards lost their life, most likely when they no longer were on Belos' side. He says it himself. As long as Hunter stays on the right path, meaning Belos' path, he will live. That makes Hunter's hyperventilating, fear and panicked run away from the Owl House after Luz and him end up there just SO MUCH MORE terrifying. Because Belos knows. Hunter is no longer the obedient little puppet. Not after this episode.

I FEEL SO BAD FOR THIS BOY PLEASE SOMEONE KEEP HIM SAFE

Also,,, WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED BETWEEN THE BROTHERS?? Philip doesn't even see him as his brother anymore. Just an old friend. All memories with his brother in them are ripped and torn right over his brother's face. The Grimwalkers were tries to replicate his brother's appearance and everytime they no longer are on Belos' side he destroys them again.

Look obviously there was some big drama and betrayal of some sort. In the childhood memories they seem to get along from what can be seen (also yes!! Philip really is the younger brother! I always had that feeling!) but if everything was great til the end and Wittebane bro died because of wild magic like Philip claims, he wouldn't be so distant and cold about and to his own brother. You could say the rips are because of the loss. And while every person deals with grief differently I doubt many RIP AND TEAR APART OR OTHERWISE TRY TO ERASE THE PERSON FROM THEIR MEMORIES. That's a tactic to let someone go after they hurt you (break up, betrayal etc.) and you don't want to see their face anymore, be part of your life anymore.

So I guess I'll just stick to my theory that the other Wittebane bro was the first ever to go against his little brother's plans and it ended in some horrible fight for life and death and we all know the winner of that one. I don't think Philip cold-heartedly murdered his own brother but that it was more sort of an accident with wild magic that they used. It wouldn't make sense why else he'd try to get him back trough obedient Grimwalkers that are the spitting image of him and have them pay with their lives when they betray him. He can't let him go, but he's sour over the first ever betrayal and can't have "his brother" going against him again. The story of the Wittebane brothers must be such a tragedy, goodness. But that's just my thoughts.

ALSO LUZ NOW FINALLY KNOWS HE'S PHILIP AAAA

And of course, Raine, Darius and Eberwolf my beloved. You're doing great ily

TLTR: MAN WHAT AN EPISODE I'M????? SAT THERE ON TGW EDGE OF MY SEAT THE WHOLE TIME BRO

#toh spoilers #toh #the owl house #the owl house spoilers #hollow mind #gonna need some days to process #?!?!?!?!?!?

[toutallyahoe]

Hey, just asking. Will you do an alternative part for the.. percy x male reader, battle of hogwarts? I'm eventually a sUckEr for aNgSt and when I say sUckEr for aNgSt I love crying my eyes out until.. next week, but me no have standards something sad makes me wanna mourn in my room. Take your time doe if you will do another part for it. WE LOVE YOU!

requested by: anon

pairing(s): percy weasely x male reader

warnings: cursing, character death, harry potter spoilers

a/n: asdfghjkl im so sorry for taking so long to write this! i am currently having some issues here and there atm but here it is now!

and lmaoooo im a sucker for angst (whether reading it or writing it) and i just am so happy someone actually wants the alternative part of my percy hcs afajdhsjdbjsd as much as i love this boi, this has too much angst potential yall

anyways, on to the angst! also, ily TwT <333

percy was trying to find you, [name]

it was already the end of the hogwarts battle and he was frantically looking all over for you when he finished checking up on fred and making sure his dumb brother was still alive (fred was and even joked that percy finally lost his uptight attitude on that joke)

fear still crept into percy's system as he looked around the area and trying to ask people where [name] was

and the fear had gotten more and more as minutes passed by when percy asked where you, [name], were and only gotten sad shakes of head and getting told they didnt know where you are

percy still had hope though

even if the fear and dread settling into him, percy still believe you are alive

you have to be

all that hope went down the drain when percy gotten the new by another wizard that [name] didnt made it

percy wouldn't believe it

he wont fucking believe it

percy would call that wizard a liar and would frantically run around the whole battle in search for [name]

screaming loudly on where the fuck is he and that the battle was over

people who witnessed percy could only look in pity, especially the ones who saw [name]'s end

it took a few wizard for percy to get a hold of him to then bring percy to where [name] was

percy was in shock and was ready to collapse when he saw the familiar clothes [name] wore before the battle

percy had immediately got out of the wizard's grips to run over towards [name]'s body. screaming and yelling that this wasnt suppose to happen

percy still hope this was just a random wizard with the similar fashion sense and maybe looks to his fiancé although it sound so wrong

but percy didnt care because he just want [name] alive

but seeing the familiar tuff of [hair color] hair in a mess, the bloodied and bruised [skin color] skin and those [eye color] eyes that always looked into percy and knew that they understand him was dulled and lifeless

percy knew this was [name]

his [name]

his fucking fiancé who is dead

percy wasted no time to embrace [name]'s body as he screamed and cried

percy was in hysterics as he screamed for his fiancé to wake up

"no— no, no, no!!! dont do this to me [last name]! wake up! please wake up!"

percy was in denial as he cried

he wont believe it

he wont ever fucking believe it

percy would yell about their promise to each other before the war had even started

hell, before they were even dragged into this and was just oblivious to everything in the world

"you promised you stupid git! you promised we'll survive this! you promised!!!"

"you said you wont leave me! please! dont fucking do this to me [name]! please..."

percy only cried and cried as he wished for his fiancé, the man he was supposed to marry after the war, the man who promised to always be by his side, his [name] was gone

as percy cried with [name] still in his arms, the weasleys found percy and [name] and it was a saddening sight

molly let out a gasp as she immediately hid her face on arthur's chest as she couldnt bare to see the sight of her son heartbroken and also seeing [name], her soon to be son-in-law dead

arthur immediately consoled molly as he tries to keep the tears in check on his son's grief

both fred and george stood frozen in shock as this was the first time they saw percy cry and seeing [name]'s corpse, the twins felt the grief

both bill and charlie were in the same fate as the twins as they looked sadly at their younger brother and the tragedy that happened

ron and ginny were in tears, especially ginny who was excited to have [name] as a family

[name] was so close to the weasleys and his untimely death caused so much grief for them

the other wizards who witnessed the tragedy could only look down and respect the lost of many lives in the war

the weasleys consoled percy as best as they can despite their own grief

percy wouldnt let go of [name]'s body and would go in hysterics if anyone tried to separate him from [name]

percy would still be in denial as he sobs about [name] supposed to marry him weakly

"you promised... you promised we'll be together you stupid git... please... please dont do this to me..."

[name] died protecting a fellow wizard, cursing a death eater but was unfortunately hit with the death curse that took his life away

[name]'s last thought before the curse hit him was percy and his promise

[name]'s promise before the war on being with percy's side until the end and marrying the ginger was never fulfilled

"im sorry... percy..."

#ask #2 #tou responds #you asked for angst and here you got one #afahdjakdhajrhjwhr i want to write this so fucking badly ajdgajdhhahrjshe #hmmmMMmmmmMMMm im sad now tbh and i did this to myself akdhsjfhwjhe #percy x male reader #hp percy #percy weasley #percy weasley x male reader #hp percy x male reader #harry potter #hp #harry potter x male reader #male reader #x male reader #male reader insert #seme male reader #dom male reader #headcanons #hc #headcanon #angst #heres the angst

[sadclearance]

could u do male reader's been friends with todoroki from mha for since ua (they're newly pros now) and tells him ily and is like ik ur not good with that stuff tho so it's no big! i don't expect an ily back! and todoroki's like :O and doesn't say it back but later when reader's hurt during a mission todoroki's like oh dang i do love u but it's too late cuz he died

pairing: shoto todoroki x male!reader

summary: todoroki says "i love you" back eventually. it just happens to be too late.

category: angst

warning(s): death

word count: 1649

key:

s/t - skin tone

italicized - text

he's not sure how he got to this exact moment.

if you had told him at the beginning of his high school years that not even just a year after graduating, he'd be running around a deserted parking lot with the cold breeze of the night air nipping at the skin that wasn't covered by his pajamas--which happen to be from a two-years-old matching christmas set with the person he's trying to catch--todoroki would've looked at you as if you were a lunatic.

never in his wildest dreams could he ever imagine this.

but he thinks this is part of what being friends is, and back then, he never would've dreamt of having one of those either.

he doesn't notice the warm breath right next to his ear until a steady voices says, loud and clear, "i love you."

he turns his head so fast his face almost smacks into y/n's, and y/n laughs out visible puffs in the crisp air.

todoroki doesn't even speak. he just stares with wide eyes, not knowing what to do.

this is all just too new to him, and this came out of absolutely nowhere.

"glad that got your attention," y/n smiles when the silence continues. "you were so lost in your thoughts you just stopped moving. i was starting to think you didn't want your phone back."

todoroki now remembers the reason why he was chasing his best friend of four years around an empty parking lot at this ungodly hour, where half of his body was uncomfortably cold.

he does want his phone back, but he doesn't go back to running.

"was that why you said that?" todoroki eventually asks. was it only for the surprise factor? because if so, he's both relieved and disappointed--two things that he recognizes as contradictory and doesn't understand. well, todoroki's never been too good at understanding feelings, so that's not really news.

"nope," y/n answers without skipping a beat, and if todoroki didn't know better, he'd think y/n wasn't nervous at all. the s/t fingers playing with the edge of todoroki's phone case lets him know otherwise. "don't take it too seriously, though. i get it."

get what?

that answer doesn't make todoroki happy at all. now his brain's just muddled and confused, and he can barely process his surroundings. what's he supposed to make of that interaction? don't take it too seriously? he gets it?

when y/n's ran a lap or two without todoroki making a move to get his phone back, he lies down on the floor.

todoroki settles on "you're going to get dirty" because he wants to get back to the present. his head hurts, and thinking isn't getting him anywhere right now.

"come look at the stars with me," y/n reaches his hand up toward the skies, and he looks ridiculous, but todoroki complies because he wants to enjoy the time they have together for as long as he can. they won't have time to see each other for a while, being busy growing heroes and all. 

"is this considered stargazing?"

"we're gazing at the stars, so yeah, i'd say so," y/n jokes.

and now todoroki's out of things to say that aren't questions about y/n's confession.

y/n turns his head to look at todoroki, and todoroki instinctively does the same.

"you're taking that thing i told you not to take seriously seriously, aren't you?"

"i'm having trouble understanding everything you've said in the past few minutes," todoroki admits, turning his head back to face the stars again.

"okay, well, i love you," y/n says.

"you've said that, but--"

"but i don't want you to take it seriously because i get it."

"again, you've said that in almost those exact words." todoroki feels like a frustrated child who's getting cranky over a math problem he doesn't know how to solve.

"i love you in the way that i want to kiss you and go on dates with you and maybe do more stuff," y/n's face reddens at his own words, but his voice is firm.

todoroki's eyes go back to y/n's, and he opens his mouth to say something, but nothing comes out.

"i know you don't see me that way, and it's all good. i didn't expect anything in return. i just wanted to say it."

"i... i wish i could give you a response, but... you already know that..." todoroki struggles with his words. were these the right ones to say? which are supposed to come out next?

"that you're not good with people stuff. yeah, i remember the first year of me trying to court you into this friendship," y/n laughs.

todoroki wants to laugh while reminiscing the memories too, but he doesn't feel like doing so, especially with how he's pretty sure he just rejected his best friend.

"i told you, no expectations here. just wanted to get that off my chest." y/n rises from the floor and todoroki's eyes follow. "c'mon, we should get going. it's cold, and our schedules are packed for the week. we can't afford to be getting sick."

"yes, it is late," todoroki nods and gets up as well.

the car beeps to signal that the doors are open, and todoroki's about to get into the driver's seat when he sees y/n walking off somewhere else.

"y/n?" todoroki calls out.

"i'm gonna take the bus," y/n answers before todoroki even asks.

"they aren't running at this hour."

"my place is close. i'm gonna walk."

"but--"

"text me if your schedule clears at all!" y/n waves without turning around to face todoroki.

︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵

it's been a week, and todoroki still feels the pressure of having to give a proper response.

y/n said it was fine, but even someone with as little experience with these types of things as todoroki recognizes that it's not kind.

i haven't thought about--

i've never kissed anyone--

human relationships--familial, romantic, platonic, and otherwise are all things that are new to me--

no matter what he types, he feels like the words are all wrong. what's in his drafts are all things that y/n already knows. that's why he said he "gets it".

but todoroki's still so frustrated. he wants to respond properly. he feels like it's only right.

but holy shit is it hard to come up with anything at all.

before he can come up with another poorly worded apology, excuse--whatever it is that he's trying to say--he gets a notification.

assistance required in x prefecture. requesting all available heroes.

todoroki, being the good hero he is, rushes to the sight as soon as possible.

he recognizes the name of the location, but he brushes it off as past experience. after all, within the past year, due to his rising popularity, he's had a lot of opportunities to work in different places.

"what's the situation?" todoroki asks one of the heroes that's trying to stabilize the building that the villain appeared to be in.

"one guy with a geokinesis quirk. he's alone, but his quirk's pretty strong. took out the whole village one town over. we don't know his goal, but the whole building's stone, and we don't want to take any chances."

"is there any way you would like me to help?"

"i'd say ice the whole building, but this guy's got quick reflexes. try going in discretely and trap him in ice when he's caught in surprise."

todoroki nods and is about to enter the building when

"also, try not to ice the other hero in there. i think his name's y/--"

the building crumbles at an incredible speed, and he barely has time to throw both himself and the other hero out of the way.

once the other man is stable, todoroki goes to assess the damage. the rocks are still tumbling down, but they're slower now.

they feel a lot faster when todoroki catches a glimpse of an all too familiar hero costume.

"y/n!" todoroki shouts as he loses the ability to think rationally. he runs with his heart in his throat and a terrible tense feeling that starts to overwhelm his entire body, trying to reach y/n before the large boulder does.

ice spreads from his feet and meets with the chunk of stone before it can fall on y/n's head.

"i'm going to get you out of here," todoroki promises when he makes it to y/n. he calls for help while looking over the pieces of the building on top of y/n's body.

"todoroki," y/n coughs weakly, and todoroki notices a pool of red slowly start to grow on the concrete below them.

"don't talk." todoroki's voice sounds so weak and helpless, and he hates it.

y/n just smiles, but the blood dripping from the corners of his mouth keep it from spreading warmth and happiness within todoroki like it usually does.

todoroki's already seen lots of tragedy in his one year of hero work, but he's never felt so panicked in his entire life.

he tries to shift a rock, but it only makes y/n groan.

"help!" todoroki yells again, but everyone's too preoccupied with catching the villain and tending to their own serious injuries to come and rescue y/n.

"shhh, todoroki," y/n says weakly.

"don't talk!" todoroki yells this time. it's still helpless, but it's loud, and y/n starts to laugh to the best of his ability.

"hard when... when you're just so funny. that's why... i..."

"don't close your eyes." todoroki feels like his heart's stopped.

"i..." y/n's eyes droop.

"look at me!" todoroki shouts with wild eyes.

and so he does. y/n looks at him with tired eyes, but todoroki can tell that he's straining himself to do so.

"i love you," todoroki's eyes feel heavy and his nose burns. "please... i love you, too..."

but it's too late.

the open eyes are quick to lose their life, and y/n's skin loses its color.

"i love you."

❥๑━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━๑❥

a/n;

deadass i was listening to my discover weekly on spotify and when i was writing the last few sentences i love you by wavves came on

i didn't know what to title it so i just left it

i hope it was satisfactory anon!

#todoroki shōto #shouto todoroki #x male reader #todoroki shoto x male reader #male reader insert #bnha x male reader #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #mlm

[didsomeonesaydaddydraco]

Drown your demons | Draco Malfoy one shot

Request: yes! @daltonacademia (maybe draco with the prompt "are you drunk?"(You don't have to do any of this) but I imagine him drunk on the astronomy tower because his home life is too much and you find him and comfort him maybe???Also ily)

Word count: 2,834 words

Warning: drinking, dark thoughts

Pairing: Draco Malfoy x reader 

Note: This was a requests from the prompt list. Used prompt: “Are you drunk?” (22.)

Everything has changed since the Ministry announced that He Who Shall Not Be Named returned. Hogwarts, the place that once was home and safety for its students became the main target. Darkness shadowed the place and everyone who was there. It felt like everyone was fighting with their own demons, some of them with even bigger and meaner ones. Students were afraid to walk to class or back to their dorms alone, always going in smaller or bigger groups. The Golden Trio acted even stranger than before, and the Professors kept a closer look on everyone and everything. Everyone had secrets, even those, who looked innocent. Trust became the most fragile and important thing, but they struggled to trust each other. It was impossible to tell who was loyal, and the biggest question was, if they were, who they were to? 

“Hi, guys” Y/N greeted her fellow housemates and sat down next to Pansy Parkinson, who quickly hugged her friend and offered her a cup of pumpkin juice. Blaise Zabini and Theodore Nott greeted her with a smile, but immediately went back to their conversation about Quiditch. Y/N looked at the students from Slytherin, seeing familiar facies from higher years, some of her friends, but not who she was looking for. She hadn’t seen Draco Malfoy all day, which was odd, because he never missed a class. They weren’t exactly close friends, but they were in the same group of friends, and Y/N acknowledged the young wizard’s strange behaviour. Draco became even more distant with his friends, and skipped their study sessions in the Common Room. He looked paler than ever, and dark circles shadowed his porcelain like skin. He hardly ever joined them for any of the meals, and when he did, he just played with his food and excused himself shortly after sitting down. 

“Where’s Draco?” Y/N asked her friends, but the look on their faces told her everything. They didn’t know where he was and what he was doing, but they were getting worried about him too. His behaviour wasn’t unnoticed, but every time any of them tried to ask him about his struggles and problems, he shove them away and said they should mind their own business. She sighed and shook her head. This whole situation was affecting their friendship, and she hated to see how her friends chose to act like the problem wasn’t even there in the first place. Their friend clearly needed help, or just someone who checked on him from time to time, just to see that he was alright and wasn’t harming himself “I’ll go and find him” she stormed out of the Great Hall, not exactly knowing where to find Draco. She didn’t know him too well, but she knew he was good at sneaking up to places he wasn’t supposed to. She tried the library, knowing that during dinner time, it would be almost completely empty, leaving it a perfect hiding spot for Draco. But Madam Pince told her Draco wasn’t there, and she hadn’t seen him in weeks. Which was odd, because Draco told them several times, that he couldn’t hang out with them because he wanted to study in the library alone. She was wandering around the castle, trying to figure out where he could be. She even asked Peeves, if he had seen Malfoy, but he only looked at her and vanished away without a word. She was getting worried by every minute, and she almost gave up on finding him, when she remembered something. Draco was fascinated by the Astronomy Tower and he sometimes sneaked up there is the middle of the night when he thought everyone was asleep. Students weren’t allowed to go there alone, but this never seemed to concern most. It was a well liked hiding spot for secret lovers to meet up without anyone noticing them. So of course it was perfect for someone, who wanted to be left alone. She made sure nobody was following her, and Filch wasn’t anywhere to be seen before she sneaked up to the Tower, cursing herself for not bringing her robe with herself. It was the end of October, and the weather was terrible all week. It rained non-stop and the cold headwind of November was already running through the corridors of Hogwarts. The higher she got, the more audible the sound of rain get. She was praying to find him there.

“Y/L/N?” Y/N took a deep breathe and looked up when she heard someone calling her name. Draco was sitting on the floor, his back leaned to the wall. A half empty bottle of Firewhiskey was placed by his side and his long fingers were holding a crystal glass “What are you doing here?”

“Are you drunk?” Y/N was more worried than before. She wasn’t a saint, she knew it. They shared their fair amount of parties that ended pretty badly with a terrible hangover the next morning, but seeing Draco sitting on the ground and drinking by himself alarmed something in her. She felt in her bones that something was wrong and maybe his problem was worse than she imagined.

“You didn’t answer my question” he chuckled darkly and lifted the glass to his lips. She watched as he emptied the glass with only one sip and refilled it right after. She didn’t know if she was supposed to stay right where she was, or if she was supposed to sit down next to him. She just stood there and tried to find the right words or figure out what to do. 

“Neither did you” she bit back and took a step closer to reach the bottle on the ground and take it away from Draco, but the boy was faster and grabbed it before she had the chance “Malfoy, what’s going on with you? You’re not the…”

“Same?” Draco laughed and stood up, but he had to lean back to the wall to stay steady “Oh, please. Don’t act like you know me or care about me” he rolled his eyes and turned his back to her. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to be left alone with his thoughts and sorrow. Everything was getting too much for him, and he knew he couldn’t ask his friends help, because he wasn’t allowed to say anything at all. He was alone in that madness and no-one was there to help him. His thoughts were in a very dark place, and there were days when the only solution he could think of was ending his pain. Hogwarts used to be his safe place, where he couldn’t wait to come back every year to be away from his toxic father. But now, no matter where he was, Voldemort was there. At school, people were whispering about the dark wizard and everyone was waiting for the moment he would show up and kill everyone. At home, Voldemort was walking around their home like it was his own. Draco couldn’t found his place in this world anymore, and the only way he could tolerate that sorry excuse of life was if he was drunk. 

“Stop pushing us away” her tone surprised Draco. He always knew she wasn’t someone you wanted to mess with, because she could turn from literal sunshine to deathly ice in just a second and ruin your whole life is she wanted to, but she never used this cold and demanding tone with him before “You think you’re such a good liar, but the truth is, you’re terrible at it. So please, spare us the unnecessary drama and argument, and tell me what’s wrong with you, so I can help”

Draco watched her. She was standing a few steps away, her hands folded in front of her chest. He watched as her chest rose and shrunk with her deep breathes, the mixture of determination and worry was written all over her pretty face. He always found her the most beautiful girl in the whole school. Something about her made Y/N absolutely irresistible, and he often found himself just watching her basically just existing. She was stronger than she looked like. But she was naive. She wanted to believe everyone was good deep down so she treated everyone the same. And Draco knew this would be the end of her one day. Could he trust in her? Could he just open and tell her how much he hated his sorry excuse of a father for ruining their family? Could he tell her how scared he was that his mother would get hurt or worse, killed? Could he tell her about the burning mark on his  left arm, remembering him about all the bad things he had already done and the bad things that were still waiting for him? Could he ruin her with the truth? Draco scoffed and gulped down the liquor in his glass. He needed the alcohol to numb his pain and silence his thoughts. He loved the floating feeling and how he stopped thinking and feeling for a few hours. But he also knew it wasn’t the solution. Draco was used to pushing people away and not caring if someone wanted to help him, but his mind was so dark, he knew he had to found the light again. Maybe Y/N was the light he was searching for for so long.

“Everything seems to be exhausting me, no matter how much sleep of how much coffee of whiskey I drink, or how long I lie down” he looked at her “Something inside me seems to have give up. My soul is tired” his eyes were fixed on her face, looking for the slightest sign of sorry, but all he could see was calmness. She was actually listening to him. She didn’t try to tell him to get his shit together and stop acting like a whining baby. She looked like she knew exactly what he was going through “Every fucking time I ask myself if this whole thing is my fault, the way I feel” he was raging. His lips were moving without his permission and his words were slipping out. Maybe he was saying too much, but he didn’t care. Not there and then. All he knew was he finally had someone to talk to. He was selfish. He knew this could end up with a tragedy, but he also knew he would never let anything bad happen to her. Just the single thought of Voldemort going any near to any of his friends made his blood boil and without thinking, he threw the glass to the wall with full force. He watched how the crystal fall to tiny pieces, and he ironically found similarity to how he fell apart during summer break, when everything changed in his life “This molten inside me screams at me that of course it is. I am sensitive, stupid. I’m making this worse and worse. Everything is my fucking fault”

“Sometimes the word place you can be is in your head” Draco found her voice rather calming and kind. It was new to him. The last few years, the only kind voice was his mother’s, but after everything that happened, she hardly talked anymore. Draco knew she was trying to stay strong for him, but he heard her crying in her bedroom so many times. He hated that he didn’t know how to talk to her about feelings. He wanted to be there for his mother and protect her. 

“I’m a fucking coward” he punched the wall hard. And again. And again, until his skin was bruised and blood was leaking from the wounds on his knuckles. He felt a soft hand stopping him from another punch. Y/N was holding his nasty fist in her small hands, looking up at Draco with a knowing look. Her eyes were so pure and clear, Draco never wanted to look away from them. He found something in there, that he thought he would never be able to find in his life. He found peace. 

“You wake up every morning to fight the same demon that left you so tired the night before, and that Draco, is bravery” she said in a calm voice. Y/N knew it wasn’t going to help if she starts yelling at him. Draco was in desperate need for a soul, who was there to protect him from his own self. He looked at the bottle in his hand and could imagine how pathetic he would have looked like. Standing there, so drunk he could barely think straight or stand of his own legs. Trying to drown his demons, only to realise, the only demon was at his childhood home, plotting a murder on Harry Potter and everyone who was trying to defeat him. He took one huge gulp from the burning liquor and throw it down from the Tower “Draco”

“I’m a bad person” he turned around to face her again. She was shaking, but it was hard to tell is she was just cold or she was scared. He wouldn’t have been surprised if she was terrified of him. He would have hated to be in the same room as him. 

“You’re not a bad person for the ways you try to kill your sadness” she smiled softly at him. Draco felt a little warmness in his heart. She had a pretty smile, it could lit up the whole Common Room. Such a small gesture, but it was a foreign gesture for him, it almost broke him down is loud sobs. 

“Look at you, so pretty and naive” he said and placed two of his fingers under her chin to tilt her head up so he could take a better look at her. Her beautiful eyes were studying his featured, trying to figure out what was going on in his mind, what he was feeling, what he was fearing, but all she could see was darkness and how lost and lonely he was “I’m not talking about the drinking, darling” 

Y/N caught Draco’s quick glance to his left forearm and it suddenly clicked to her. Everything was crystal clear. She wasn’t stupid, she knew what was going on out there. Everyone knew Voldemort was building his own army, and he needed to followers to join the Death Eaters. She knew about Lucius Malfoy being one of them, but she would have never imagined that he would force his one and only son to be one of them too. Draco was a git. A filthy little, arrogant asshole who enjoyed torturing others with his pathetic insults, and he was brought up in a family who only believed in pureblood, but he was a good person. A good, but lost boy, who was never told how to be good. He did what he thought would make his father happy and proud. Death Eater or not, Draco needed someone. 

“You know” he breathed “In another life, where there is no war, no dark wizards” he shook his head “In another life, I would grab your hand and hop on the first plane to take you away from everything and everyone bad, to marry you” Draco couldn’t believe his own words that were leaving his mouth. They were true though. He found his peace in her, and she was still there. Draco knew he didn’t have to say those words, because she already knew. She couldn’t hide the shock on her face, but she was still there, holding his hand that was still tilting her head up and stroking the side of his palm softly. 

“It doesn’t have to be another life” she sat down on the ground, pulling Draco with her and pushing him down to lay his head on her lap “I’m here now. You’re not alone anymore, Draco” that was it. Draco reached his breaking point and let out a loud sob. He buried his face in her stomach and let out everything. All the pain, all the fair, all the loneliness. He was finally breaking free from his own prison and he was trying to found the answer how he got so lucky to have her by his side in such a dark time. She knew she was getting herself in so much trouble, and getting detention was the less scariest one of them. But she didn’t care. Draco was someone who deserved to be loved, and she was willing to do it. She stayed there with him, leaning her head to the wall of the Astronomy Tower, watching the pouring rain, listening how Draco’s sobs slowly calmed down and turned into soft snores. She held him all night, trying to keep the demons away from him for a few hours. From then, Draco was only scared of one thing. That he was falling in love with someone for the first time in his life - and the last time too.

#Draco Malfoy #draco malfoy requests #Draco #daddy draco #draco fanfiction #draco x reader #Draco Malfoy one shot #Draco Malfoy imagines #Harry Potter prompt list #Harry Potter ones shots #Harry Potter imagines #voldemort #death eaters #drunk draco #Harry Potter and the half blood prince #Harry Potter and the deathly hallows

[lavenderbau]

my in depth analysis of evermore by taylor swift (very long and if u read this ily)

willow: is a very angelic song a nice opening to the album is about letting a guy control your life and immediately would do anything for him and your love

champagne problems: i love this song it perfectly captures the struggle with commitment issues and how you don't even realize that you have them until you do and how someone who's still broken hearted can only inflict more heartbreak

gold rush: this song is what it means to imagine a life with someone out of you reach and it's the slow fade in and out of a daydream and how quickly your mind can go from barely thinking of a person to seeing a life together

tis the damn season: when you break up with the love that was too mature and real for high school because of college and they come back to town while you're there and you reconnect because deep down you'll always love them. reminds me so much of my sister and her ex.

tolerate it: it's the definition of trying. putting your all into someone and doing everything for them only for them to only acknoledge you and never having that reciprocated love that you always long for.

no body no crime: to me this is the definition of having a best friend. i am in no way condoning murder but i take it as a metaphor that captures the phrase "i would kill for you" and what that really means and the depth of having a true friendship. also haylor verhicular manslaughter.

happiness: sums up what it's like trying to convince yourself that after a heartbreak or tragedy that the pain will end and that you can figure out how to be happy again

dorthea: the constant state of wondering if your on the mind of the person on your mind

coney island: it's when you see the one person who you thought you'd always know and you don't know them anymore. the feeling of looking into someone's eyes who you used to love and not seeing that person anymore. shows the change that life causes.

ivy: the all consuming love the phase where all you can think about is your significant other

cowboy like me: when two broken hearted people use each other to fil the void of the person they actually want but cannot have

long story short: describes what happens when you fail people's expectations and what happens in the aftermath after you deal with it

marjorie: the regrets you have after someone you love dies and all of the things you wish you did/remembered when they died

closure: when you try to convince yourself that you don't care and that you're over them when deep down you're still constantly fighting the battle of being in love with them

evermore: the feeling that the pain will never end. that only bad things will keep happening to you and that you don't deserve/will never get anything good

#taylor swift #evermore #no body no crime #happiness #champagne problems #cowboys like me #closure #tis the damn season #tolerate it #i have an obsession #coney island #i overthink a lot #long story short #willow #ivy #gold rush #dorthea #marjorie