#i am tired of being tired and enraged but god i am so tired and enraged | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ajortga · 3 months

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i'm not coming home.

pairing: vada cavell x fem reader

warning! sensitive topics ahead include: character death, suicide, overdose, massive angst with NO happy ending.

thank you egg for your request! cried a little making this which usually.. isn't quite normal to happen. hope this might make your angst heart pour a little.. p.s this was partially inspired by some other fics i read that i loved and this was particularly based off the lyrics im not coming home, not really my future:o

I just saw that song fic you made, it was very nice. So I’d like to request one of my own…

My future by Billie Eilish?

Obviously for my favorite girl Vada Cavell. Who else would I request for?

Her eyes looked at the moon, Vada’s brown eyes looking at the way the moon shone across the city.

“The moon is pretty, isn’t it?” A voice said beside her.

Vada's eyes glanced at you, a small smile forming on her lips.

“Yeah. But you were always prettier.”

“You used to say that a lot.”

“I know. It’s because I think it’s true.”

You stood there in silence, Vada scooted closer to you, pointing at the flowers right ahead of you guys.

“Do you remember when we planted those?”

“Yeah, they grew so pretty. We wanted to make a whole flower garden together.”

“The garden is growing I think.”

“I think so too.

Silence once again, the only sound was the dark trees rustling in the blue moonlight, stars above the two’s heads. Vada bit her lip, looking at the stars, her knees tucked under her arms.

“Do you think in another universe, we’d be in love?” You whispered, catching her off guard as she looked at you, seeing the way your eyes looked hurt.

Vada shrugged, thinking for a moment, “I don’t know..”

Another pause.

“Maybe in another universe, I never so badly wished it was this one though.”

She heard a small laugh, hurt laced behind it, “It once was.”

“In this universe we’re not. Because you’re no longer here.”

…

“I know.”

Vada wishes she could take those words back.

Vada needed space to herself after trying to heal from traumatic experiences it was so hard for her to deal with. You were just trying to help.

You were just trying to help.

Offering to hold her hand in the hallways, reassuring back rubs, kisses on the forehead, sticking by her side.

It was too much for her. She just wanted to be left alone, but she didn’t want to tell you.

You just were so worried, you made sure to love her.

The day Vada was the most stressed, she took all her anger out on you for just trying to comfort her.

“Can you stop being arrogant for once and get it into your brain that you need to leave me alone? You have to let me go and it’s getting so frustrating you can’t get that into your system! Just give me my space when I need it!”

Vada’s voice echoes through the house, her eyes looked enraged as she saw the way your figure looked so small.

“Okay.”

That was the last word she heard you say before you left the apartment to just.. Process.

Vada felt bad, seeing the way your shoulders dropped as you walked out the door. But she was just so frustrated with all these events she couldn't bring herself to apologize. She was too tired.

Ding

...

Ding

....

Ding ding ding ding ding

"Oh my god.." Vada groaned tiredly, her phone light almost lighting up the whole room as she rubbed her eyes, stirring from bed.

Who the hell would be notifying her at 2:43 AM?

Her hands flipped her phone over as she looked at the messages, the way her eyes widened was indescribable.

my sweet y/n♡: vada they won't go away.

my sweet y/n♡: i'm so scared.

my sweet y/n♡: it won't stop, vada it won't stop.

my sweet y/n♡: i can't breathe

my sweet y/n♡: i just want it to stop.

my sweet y/n♡: baby please i need you. i don't feel good.

4x call missed

my sweet y/n♡: i'm sorry.

my sweet y/n♡: i love you.

my sweet y/n♡: i love you with my whole heart and i promise that you can finally be left alone like you wanted.

"No! No no no no no!.." She said louder to herself, immediately jumping off the bed and hitting the call button. No response.

"Please just pick up!"

She grabbed her keys and slammed the door shut, immediately going to your house with an inhaler and meds.

She kept ringing and ringing as she heard you pick up, immediately putting the phone to her ear.

"Baby! Baby.. Talk to me. Talk to me please."

"...Vada.." you cry, your voice barely a whisper, "It hurts."

"What did you do? Y/N.. Tell me please, what did you do? Did you take something bad?"

"I just.. I..."

Vada hears you breathing heavily, making small hurtful breaths.

"I just wanted everything to stop... I'm so tired.."

"I'm almost there baby.."

Vada makes a full on swerve as she busts out of her car, hearing the way your labored breaths were gradually beginning to grow shakier. The call ends as she makes a plead of frustration. She grabs the keys she snagged when she left the house and frantically unlocked your door.

"Y/N!" she cries, the house was dark as she turned every corner before rushing into your room, barging in.

There you were, curled up on the ground, your arm over your stomach as she saw the way your chest shook, the way you let out cries. There were pills scattered around you, your hand holding a pill bottle that was almost half empty. Vada screamed as she immediately knelt down as you turned.

"Baby, Y/N, wake up!" She cried, shaking you

You were barely able to make a noise, she could only hear you say her name, your voice barely an audible whisper with tear-stained cheeks and glazed over eyes.

Vada let out a painful cry as her hand reached up to caress your now cold skin. You were shaking as Vada picked you up and cradled you, calling the 3 numbers as quickly as she could, begging for the ambulance to come as quickly as they could.

"Everything is going to be okay. Don't close your eyes sweetheart. I promise you'll be okay.."

You curled your body into hers, your head drooping down as you look at her, your vision unfocused.

Oh how your eyes were the ones she loved so much, the ones she loved so much now looking like this. Lifeless, barely hanging on.

"I'm so sorry. Vada's so sorry baby. I should have never said those mean things to you. You mean the w-world to me. I love you so much," The guilt was stirring in her stomach, unlike anything she's seen before.

You whimper against her, "I-I d-don't feel good... I-I feel s-so c-cold.."

Vada sobbed as she wrapped a blanket around your shaking, fragile body, hugging you tightly.

"I'm here. Help is coming," she whispered, looking down at you, fallen tears beginning to drop on your clothes.

Your eyelids were half-open, Vada's voice was beginning to become muffled. You knew Vada was beyond worried, you just wanted everything to stop for a while.. You also knew deep down, you wouldn't be able to make it. You wouldn't be able to make it out alive. You wouldn't be able to spend the rest of your life and marry Vada. Maybe live in the green meadows like you always dreamed of, cuddling as you watched the stars at night. Maybe have had a cat too and looked like the romantic sweethearts everyone envied of, sharing small gentle kisses in the corners of every place you traveled.

You knew you couldn't be with her till her last breath, but you knew she would be with you till yours.

You knew you wouldn't be able to live your love, so you mustered all the left-over strength you still had and croaked out the 3 little words.

"I love you."

You felt it. Vada did too. The way your eyes glassed over, it was no longer the warm, pretty eyes she adored, they were now foggy and dark. The way your body began to lose it's warm comfort that Vada ever so loved feeling when she cuddled you to bed. It was all fading. And she knew your life was fading too.

Vada cried, she didn't want to loose you. She was sobbing and she couldn't do anything about it, she was so so scared.

"I love you too. I love you so fucking much Y/N. I.. I.." She didn't know what else to say, she was so scared that she couldn't speak anymore, wailing.

You gave her the weakest smile you could muster, though she knew that it wasn't the smile you gave her when your eyes would light up as soon as you saw her, it was the smile that you finally understood.

You understood. The cracking smile that showed you were ready.

"That's all my heart can ever ask for. I-I'll be there with you, as a pretty deer in the moonlight, or the shiniest star. I-I'll be there whenever y-you need me.. It was never your fault.." You whispered, before she could see your eyes go still, your shaking body beginning to slow. The last teardrop that would ever fall go down your cheek.

"No! Open your eyes Y/N! Baby! Please! I'm here! You can open your eyes now! Wake up!"

Vada didn't know love could make her cry this hard as she felt your skin turn cold, she wished she could just take it all back. She'd remember you through every memory. But she'd remember that the memories of the person she loved most would never exist in the future. It was all in the past. She knew that you were gone as she cried into the wind. The ambulance was just too late as they saw her hugging your soulless body, never wanting to let go.

"Vada's so sorry.." She cries in a whisper.

Vada felt herself sniffle, she could feel the way her memories invaded her brain. She could never forgive herself for it. On every shooting star she wished that it could've never happened in the first place.

She then noticed the way she felt her cheeks suddenly stain with tears, seeing your pretty body fade away in the moonlight above. Seeing the way that you bit down a hurtful expression, smiling with a cracked heart as she sniffled. The night sky is now beginning to reflect through you.

It was all her fault. She couldn’t bear to hear it. But she knew now that you weren’t going to come home. You never would.

She knew one day you would fade from her mind completely. She couldn’t bear to know that one day, she’d forget the way you sounded. She knew that one day, your ghost would eventually fade away, your faded presence beginning to slow as time healed. There would be a day that your ghost would stop showing up completely.

She knew that one day, all your memories would turn into months, years, decades.

Until it’ll all be too old for her to remember. To remember you and the way you were the first person Vada felt her stomach tingle with fluttering butterflies as you kissed her so gently. To remember the way you would hold your umbrella for her as it poured rain, seeing the way your forehead would drip with water from protecting her before you could shelter yourself.

"Keep our love special okay? Keep it just between us. Keep it in your heart." You whispered, before you faded away, knowing one day you'll appear once again.

Vada nodded, slowly, she still can't believe she isn't over it. How could she be?

Her hair was wet, she was so used to feeling a hood over her head. She was so used to being protected by you. Rain drenched her clothes as her body shook, staring at the way the city lights dimmed below her.

She knew that you weren’t going to come home.

Because there she was, sitting on a wet patch of grass, drenched in the rain. Knowing that once before, you sat with her in the rain, holding an umbrella over her head as you hugged her, cuddling for warmth.

Vada let out a shaky, broken sigh as she looked up, seeing the way the stars shone. One shone so bright as she smiled. Her star.

From the wind blowing so gently in her hair with rain showering across the city, the deer peeked behind the tree, making a soft noise.

"Every night and day I wish I could feel your cuddles, kiss me and tell me it was all a nightmare, but it's been too long to know it's not just stupid nightmare. I miss you more than words can possibly describe."

Vada rubbed her cheeks, wiping the tears that were falling, feeling the rain drizzle with her sadness, making a quiet cry.

"It's been 5 months Y/N. I love you. I wish you were here with me. "

Maybe you wouldn't be with Vada till her last breath, maybe her grieving wouldn't last that long. But she was there for yours, that's all you could ever ask for. Your girlfriend hugging you as you took your last breath. That was special.

#jenna ortega x fem!reader #vada cavell x reader #jenna ortega x reader #jenna ortega x you #tara carpenter x reader #jenna ortega imagine #tara carpenter x you #jenna marie ortega #jenna ortega x y/n #vada cavell x y/n #vada cavell x you #Spotify

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save-the-villainous-cat · 4 months

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The secret relationship between a Hero and a Villain gets exposed to an enraged public and now they gotta go on an apology tour together

"There's been a severe and continuous lapse in my judge-"

"Don't you DARE fucking say that! My reputation is on the line!"

“This counts as community service, right?”

The hero took in a deep breath and finally managed to pull their eyes away from the piece of paper which had been given to them. It was a long apology, written for them by someone else. Meaningless words thrown into a pot and stirred.

More than frustrated the hero loathed the next speech, the next apology. They knew it was all politics, supposed to show around what kind of power they had over the villain. It was explained as a misunderstanding, as a scheme the hero had come up with to control the villain.

Which was a lie.

“Community service for you, yes. Though I doubt they will actually count it as such. You’ll go to jail. No doubt.”

“Eh. Amazing.” The villain looked through the drinks on the cart and hummed quietly. For quite a while both of them had decided to…take a break. The hero didn’t like it and they didn’t dare thinking about someone else. God, they didn’t want anyone else but the people were mad and the hero was too afraid of the public to stand up for their relationship.

The public really was a leviathan. An uncontrollable mass of complex human beings that wouldn’t stop once they found a reason to complain.

“I’ll try my best to bail you out. I never thought we would have to apologise for being in love.”

“I don’t think the people buy it anyway,” the villain said. They shrugged and found a bottle they liked. They turned around to their lover and smiled sheepishly. “Maybe I should try to sing my next apology.”

The hero sighed and pinched the bridge of their nose.

“Stop joking about this. I’ve told you my reputation is on the line.”

“We both know you don’t really care about that.” The villain turned the bottle in their hand, looking at it intensively as if it could turn into wine eventually. “You’re sick of your own obedience. Sacrificing yourself for the queen in the beehive — you’re tired of it eventually.”

“No, it’s the right thing to do. I have to set an example. I know it sounds odd…no one should apologise for being in love. But given the circumstances and who we are it’s relatively understandable,” the hero said. It was an easy lie. Obviously they hated this.

But they had to keep up the charade. Even in front of the villain.

“Hm. Keep telling yourself that.” Suddenly, the bottle was on the table and the villain’s fingers slid down the hero’s neck. Involuntarily, the hero’s eyes widened. They hadn’t actually touched the villain in a long time. “You can keep apologising all you want but you know it won’t change anything. People aren’t blind when it comes to love.”

“People are blind whenever they want to be.”

“That a confession?” The hero looked up at them, felt their cold fingers moving up and down.

“Merely an observation. They will devour us if we don’t repent.”

“I’d rather be devoured than let some…scum dictate my life.” They paused. “I love you. Is that so wrong?”

“Yes.” The hero swallowed. They weren’t in the mood for fighting. They were afraid of it, actually. Afraid that their mask would crack and splinter and that they would be tempted by the villain. That some brilliant scheme of theirs made the hero decide otherwise, made them run away or choose a different path. “Compassion towards the enemy is wrong. That’s what they think. That’s what they’re supposed to think.”

“And what do you think?”

Shit. The hero hadn’t paid enough attention. The villain got them.

The villain used their nails to scratch the hero’s neck gently.

“Am I a waste of your time?”

“No,” the hero whispered. “It’s…more difficult than that.”

“Oh, I am sure it is.” The villain let go of them and their attention jumped back to the bottle. “Just be careful that you don’t devour yourself. You know our end is always our own fault.”

They kissed the hero’s cheek gently and just for a moment, the hero allowed themselves to feel loved again.

#iykyk #writing snippet #heroxvillain prompt #heroxvillain snippet #heroes and villains #hero #villain #hero x villain #heroxvillain #an answer for an ask #request

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danikamariewrites · 7 months

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imagine dark reader who is azriels sister x lucien, she is possessive and obssesed with lucien and has plotted her way into his life. From the second she lied her eyes on him when he and feyre came to velaris she knew she had to have him no matter what. reader goes to great lenghts to make sure nothing stands between her and her precious lucien. She pushes elain towards her brother and slides in comments about how they make a great couple and that the mating bond isn’t really a big deal. She cringes while she says it bc she would kill for a mating bond with lucien, and cannot stand how elain is ignoring him. it enrages reader so much but also pleases her bc now she has him all to her self. Now lucien turns to reader for comfort and ofc reader gives him just what he needs. when they share their first night, she almost doesn’t let him leave their bed, she knows how charming he can be and the thought of someone being on the recieving end is nauseating. and anytime she hears the ic says something sbout lucien she defends him to no end, even with him there, she almost lets her mask slip, she calls mor out calmly when mor says something mean about him being there for starfall. still the next day someone broke into mors house and ruined all her dresses. no one knows who did it👀👀👀👀👀👀👀

please you would write this so good, like i’ve read through everything you’ve written. pls i’m so desperate for lucien being protected, i’d pay so much money for s fic. literally like do you take comissions??? i’d pay frrrrr

Fox Hunter

Lucien x Az’s sister!reader

A/n: As soon as I saw this I put my glasses on and opened my laptop. I love evrything about this and loved writing it. And thank you very much for reading all my stuff and liking it anon, that means a lot.

on the topic of commisions (it's been on my brain for a while), I have been thinking about setting something up to do them for a while now. So if that's something you guys are interested in let me know. I'll probably do a poll or something.

Warnings: dark!reader, manipulation, Elain slander, suggestive

When he stepped through the front door of the Town House for the first time I swear I stopped breathing. Though he was caked in dirt and tired looking, the seventh son of the Autumn High Lord had to be the most beautiful male I had ever seen.

His that tan skin glowed under the Fae lights. The scar over his eye gave him a handsome, rugged look. And that golden eye. Oh how entrancing that golden eye is.

It simply broke my heart when I found out he is mated to the middle Archeron sister. But Elain is a shell of a female now. It would be easy to dissuade her from accepting the bond.

Truthfully, I am jealous of the girl. Jealous and angry. She has one of the most beautiful males in Prythian willing to throw himself at her feet, and she will not give him a second of her time.

I watched as they sat together for the first time. How she reacted when he tugged on the bond. Elain was angry. I couldn't imagine being angry.

I placed my hand over my heart. Hoping against the Mother, the Cauldron, and the Gods that they made a mistake. That I would feel the tug in my chest for him.

I noticed the small glances she and my brother share. Azriel seemed so intent on keeping her from Lucien. Good.

If he kept Elain for himself I could keep Lucien. Another easy task. Azriel is desperate for love. They will not be hard to manipulate.

Lucien broke my heart again when he left for the Continent. I know it is necessary for the coming war, but it didn't hurt any less. I had made sure to say goodbye to him. To wish him well on his journey.

He seemed happy that someone in the court was treating him with kindness. Lucien had kissed my hand, thanking me and asked me to be safe as well. It took all of my power not to lose my composure in front of him.

After the war, after everything with Nesta, life calmed down. It has pained me to wait this long to truly set my plan into action. But good things take time.

I had made sure to spend time with Elain all these months. To gain her trust and show her friendship. "I must admit," She said to me, one afternoon in the garden. "I was afraid of you at first. You and Azriel were so simialr with your silence. Then you opened up to me and I'm so happy to have a friend like you, y/n."

I smiled at her. Although it was fake part of it felt real.

"I'm happy to have you as well, Elain. You can bring anyone out of their shell I'm sure." I smile at her from the stone bench I'm perched on. My wings spread a little to soak up the sunshine. "Well, not everyone." Elain says solemnly, looking back at her tulips.

I gently place a hand on her shoulder, "Keep trying with him Elain. I can tell Azriel is in love with you. You see the way he looks at you, yeah? There's no denying it."

Elain looks back up at me with those hopeful, doe eyes. "You think so?" "I know so." Happiness flashes across her face for a moment. Then she goes back to that somber look.

That look drives me crazy. Elain needs to stop feeling sorry for herself. It's not cute and it is driving me crazy.

"But what about Lucien...and the mating bond?" And there was what I was waiting for. "Your sisters, Rhysand, and Cassian make out to be this glorious thing. For them it may be that way. But you get to decide to do with yours.

"Do you feel connected to Lucien?" She shakes her no. "Do you feel the need to be close to him? To have him hold you?" She shakes her head again.

"Then the mating bond doesn't matter. Reject it of you must, but follow your heart, Elain. Not tradition." The fool smiled up at me again. Standing, she wrapped her arms around my neck tightly. "Thank you, y/n." I hugged her back for the theatrics of it all.

I watched as she scurried off inside. Most likely to fling herself at Azriel. It did hurt a little, telling her to break the bond. If someone had said that to me I'd most likely slit their throat.

The mating bond was something I had longed for since I was a little girl.

I had never had many friends or lovers growing up. It was just me and Azriel in that dungeon for most of our lives. And if we hadn't met Rhys I would be without wings.

When we got older I watched as Azriel had females fling themselves at him. While many of the males in Windhaven showed their intrest in me, I did not return the sentiment. I knew those relationships would never go anywhere.

So, I'd stick around for the fun they'd offer for a week and move on to the next. None of those males ever excited me the way Lucien did. Never made me feel love.

A few weeks later Lucien was back in Velaris. Rhys had sent him to the human lands for emissary duties. I made sure to ask him to lunch before the rest of the Inner Circle tortured him with their questions and scared him off.

We went to a nice restaurant with a view of the Sidra. Lucien pulled my chair out for me like the gentleman he is. Before sitting I gave him a small peck on the cheek. Holding his smooth face in my rough hand.

I could've swore I saw the corners of his lips twitch and his cheeks turn red. I bit my lip, taking my seat.

As Lucien sat across from me we fell into easy conversation. Mother above, he's just so perfect. And charming. Any female would be lucky to have him. And that female would be me.

A lull settles between us and I sip on my water. Lucien clears his throat and I meet his gaze. "Elain has asked to meet with me." His tone changed to serious, leaving the playfulness I love so much behind.

"Do you know why?" I ask, my tone coming out more clipped than I meant. "I have a feeling it's about the bond. I know her and Azriel have been...together." He said that last part like he could feel it. I could sense his discomfort.

I hated that look in his eye. That look of feeling unwanted. I had seen it in my own eyes so many times as I stared at my reflection. I reach across the table to hold his hand with both of mine.

"You deserve love Lucien. If she doesn't see how hard you have been trying for her then she doesn't deserve you. I want to see you happy, fox." He gave me a loving smile at his nickname. "Thank you, little bat. You have always shown me kindness when you family hasn't. I love that about you."

Love. My heart fluttered at the word falling from his lips. It sounds so right. I want him to tell me he loves me. Tell me he'll do anything for me like I would for him.

That night, my fox came to the Town House. I had taken it over since Rhys and Feyre moved to the River House. It was empty and quiet here.

Opening the door I saw the distraught look on Lucien's face. I felt a pang in my chest. I had caused this for him. I have to stop this feeling. Have to make him better. "Lucien," I breathed out, "come in."

I drag him over to the couch and sit next to him. We're so close our thighs are touching. I drape a wing around his back for extra comfort. "What is it, fox?"

Lucien takes a deep, shuddering breath. "We broke the bond." I want to breathe out a sigh of relief, but I have to keep the facade up. "Oh Lucien, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain you're going through."

He looks at me with a pained smile, taking my hand in his, desperately kissing my knuckles. "I am hurting, yes. But Elain made realize something." I held my breath. I could feel my eyes going wide. Could this be it? Could all the work I had planned to do already be done for me by that little fool I call a friend?

"The love I have been searching for has been in front of me all along. I was never meant to be with her." Lucien slide off the couch onto his knees in front of me. My hands still trapped in his. "I love you, y/n. And I curse the Mother and the Cauldron for not putting us together. I need you little bat. I cannot bear another moment without you."

I am frozen in shock by his declaration of love. All this time I thought it would be me on my knees before him. Telling him sweet nothings and saying how we belong together. This is all I needed to hear from him.

Before anything can change I grab Lucien's face, my lips colliding with his in a heated kiss. It's all teeth and tongue. Want and desire. Lucien pulls me to his chest, holding the back of my head.

"Take me upstairs fox. Show me how much you love me." I whisper against his lips. Lucien stands, holding me by my thighs. I wrap my legs around him. I feel his hard cock pressing against my core and grind against him letting out a moan.

Lucien gently places me on the bed, careful of my wings. We undress together. Baring ourselves to each other. Feeling a bond that should've been ours.

The next morning I lay awake staring at Lucien's sleeping form. I trace his scar a few times and play with the ends of his hair that are splayed on the pillow. As his eyes slowly open he sends me a smirk. "Morning my love." Gods I want to keep him like this so I can hear his morning voice forever. It's gravely and deep, sending heat straight to my core.

"Good morning, fox. How are you feeling." Lucien thinks for a moment. "Hurting still. But I feel better with you." My smile widens. It feels genuine this time, it almost brings tears to my eyes.

Lucien moves to get up. My hand flys to grip his bicep, pulling him backdown to the mattress with all my strength. "No," I practically yell. "Stay with me? Let's stay here all day and rest." He lightly kisses my lips and pulls me to lay on his chest. "Ok little bat," he whispers.

We lay in a comfortable silence together. We trace patterns on each others bare skin until I ask, "Lucien, I know things have changed now but I need to know," My heart is pounding so hard. I hate to ask him this but I need him to feel in charge, like he wants me and I need him.

I look up at him as I force tears to line my eyes. "Are we...please say I'm yours now." His lips form a sweet pout I want to kiss. Lucien squeezes me to his body, placing a chaste kiss to my forehead. "There is no one else in this world for me. I love you, y/n. Last night was just the first of many. We have a life time ahead of us together and I don't plan on wasting another moment of it without you."

I cradle his cheek in the palm of my hand. "I love you too, Lucien. And I never want to be without you either."

#acotar #acotar fanfiction #acotar reader fic #acotar reader imagine #acotar imagine #lucien acotar #lucien vanserra #lucien x you #lucien x reader #lucien smut #lucien vanserra x you #lucien vanserra x reader #lucien vandaddy #lucien

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navstuffs · 8 months

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Ghost of You

Pairing: Leon Kennedy x GhostGN!Reader

Summary: Leon Kennedy is being haunted and couldn't be happier about it.

Warnings tags: shortfic, horror elements, hurt/some comfort, mention of death, alcoholism and suicide

Author's Notes: hello september!! though i always told myself i would never write for ghosts due to personal reasons, here i am lol just a heads up: my requests have been put to a halt because SPOOKY SEASON! all my attention will be on my halloween event until the end of october (this shortfic is part of it unofficially). and lastly, my inspiration came from wuthering heights, where catherine haunts(?) heathcliff. enjoy!

taglist - @roseglazedlens

"Ghosts. What happens after we die? Do we stay stuck in the place where we died, where we lived, or do we get to pass to another dimension? Reincarnation? Heaven? Hell? All those questions bring another even bigger one: Does God even exist?"

Leon yawns, tired, as the narrator continues discussing what exactly ghosts are. You munch your popcorn with interest, your eyes focused on the TV ahead of you. Leon's arms surround your body, bringing you close to him, your stare focused on the TV. Leon then tries one last time with a dramatically loud yawn that finally catches your attention.

"What is it?"

"Should you be watching this late at night? You know you won't be able to sleep later."

You chuckle, rolling your eyes. Leon is right. Though you loved anything spooky and scary, you always had nightmares later at night. You would have to hold tightly to your boyfriend's body like a teddy bear. Not that Leon complained about that part, just primarily worried about your sleep quality.

"No, I shouldn't. But you know I can't stop."

"Do you watch any of that stuff while I am gone?"

"Not really. You know I need you to face my fears." You chuckle, hitting Leon lightly on the arm.

After the show ends, you turn off the TV and finally cuddle properly with Leon. It is so good to be back with you and feel your warm presence near him. It always gave him peace. Leon could feel himself falling asleep when he heard your voice asking something.

"W-what?"

"Do you believe in ghosts, Leon?"

Leon pauses briefly, thinking about the best way to answer. Even if for him, knowing the next location of Big Foot didn't matter, that the Lochness monster could not be a pre-historic dinosaur, or entering supposedly haunted mansions to find ghosts for the 18th century weren't important, they sure mattered to you.

"You know what my feelings are about those, hun," Leon answers, his voice tired, and you nod.

"Yeap. All baloney."

"It might be nonsense to me, but it is not for you. And I take that very, very seriously. You know, I will always be your partner, no matter how spooky it can get. You are having fun, and that is what matters." You smile happily as Leon holds your cheek, rubbing it with his index finger.

"What if it was my ghost, Leon?"

"Your what?"

"My ghost. If, for some reason, I died, and you saw my ghost? Would you believe it then?"

"Honey, I seriously don't think..." Leon can see how serious this is for you, so he sighs before he answers, "Yes. I would believe. I wouldn't be afraid. I would welcome you with open arms."

You seem finally satisfied with his answer and let go of the topic, to Leon's relief. He knows how morbid you can get, but talking about your death is a whole other level.

Because it would feel wrong and unfair.

And no matter the circumstances, Leon would be mostly enraged. He probably wouldn't end up saying nice things to your ghost anyway.

-x-

Six months later

The TV's sound in the background talks about a recent sight of a Mothman as Leon is lying on the sofa. His house has all the lights on, and Leon got used to it by now. There are a few bottles on the floor, some old, some new, but much less than six months ago.

Six months ago, he found your body lifeless in the middle of your bedroom. Leon tried CPR as he called emergency, thanking the years of training for not breaking down under pressure, his mind focused on getting any heartbeat. Any sign of life.

But it was too late. A heart attack that causes sudden death is uncommon at your age, explained the emergency doctor. There was nothing they could do or what Leon could have done. You were probably dead for a while until he found you.

Time passed. Leon doesn't have any particular memory, going in and out of long periods of melancholy, thinking what the hell he has done to deserve all that shit.

But he gets better eventually (everyone always said he would anyway), or in other words, Leon learns how to function without you. It isn't easy in the first weeks, and Leon got close to joining you. But he remained strong. He knew that whenever you were, you would hate him if he joined you earlier than he should.

Recently, Leon adapted to a routine if he isn't on missions: wake up, go on a run (your favorite playlist is his choice of music, though not appropriate for a run), get home, shower, and then try to occupy his mind with anything that was about you. And most of the time, that involved your horror shows. Those shows could bring just a little of that warm feeling only you brought to his chest (Leon wouldn't admit it, but he also tried an Ouija board to contact you. It didn't work, and he felt like an idiot).

It doesn't take long for Leon to hear strange noises in the house. The noises of footsteps he knows so well behind him disappear when he looks back. Or when there is a shadow on a wall. He would recognize that silhouette anywhere in the world, but before he can follow, it disappears in the next ray of light. The scratching sounds coming from the glass windows must be your way of saying hello, I am still here. I am never leaving you.

Late at night, when he is trying to sleep, Leon thinks he can feel your presence as soon as he closes his eyes. Your voice whispering his name. As soon as he opens them, you are gone.

He isn't scared. On the contrary, Leon Kennedy wants to see you.

He makes sure you feel at home: he leaves all lights on and the TV on with your shows. He wants, no matter where you are, to feel comfortable. And if he is lucky enough, he might be able to actually see again someday.

Until then, he is happy enough being haunted by you.

#leon kennedy x reader #leon kennedy #leon kennedy x you #leon s kennedy #leon kennedy horror #leon kennedy fanfic #leon kennedy fanfics #im proud to say SPOOKY SEASON IS OPEN #though this is more sad than spooky lol

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your-mom-friend · 6 months

Text

Part 26 broke my fucking heart

“She was so young. She-she trusted me. My baby”

I am being so serious I heard that and I had to physically sit down and cry about it.

He fucked up so bad. He messed up with Faroe so bad but by god he loved her so, so much. He wrote her a special song and got her a music box and had her buried with it so that she’d always know that daddy loved her so so much even though he wasn’t good enough. He loved her so much that the idea that someone would kill their beloved child for power, for anything actually, enraged him so much he flew into a homicidal mania. He couldn’t imagine that anyone could duck up being a parent more than he had until he met that guy who murdered his daughter on purpose and seemingly without remorse.

He tried so hard to not let King win and he still lost but he’s gonna keep working and get better but when he fell he fell hard and he’s so, so tired of people trying to kill him and cults fucking with him and demons and gods and monsters and spirits trying to take away his best friend that he’s sort of in love with that he hates and loves in equal measure and those measures are exponential

Arthur Lester is a beautiful bastard and he’s trying so, sp hard to be better than he once was and I hope with every fibre of my soul that he gets to it

#rem rambles #malevolent #malevolent pod posting #arthur lester

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mikariin · 7 months

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For that one prompt you're doing where Crocodile and Mihawk really hurt Buggy when all he was doing was tending to their weapons for them, I just picture the absolute despair Buggy would be in besides being immensely enraged. It's torture for him to sleep in his own bed alone when he's used to being surrounded by warmth. When he's not glaring at his lovers and barely tolerating their presence anywhere near him he's holding back tears. Buggy being Buggy, I picture him literally finding some dark corner or even a cave in the forest where he can cry as loud as he wants because he's absolutely heartbroken. One night Mihawk and Crocodile follow him and then have to listen to Buggy's despair on full blast as his sobs and wails echo through the place he'd hidden himself away in. The sounds are nightmarish and actually leave Mihawk shedding a tear and Crocodile grinding a boulder under his hand to dust. When Buggy finally drags himself out he's face to face with his remorseful lovers, but he's to damn tired and in no mood for either of them.

I AM SHOOKETH ONCE MORE DHDHCIFNFN GOD THAT IS SO VALID and ABSOLUTELY TRUE—!

#ao3 writer #writer thoughts #fanfic writer #one piece #writer things #writerscommunity #writerscorner #head empty rambling #crocodile one piece #buggy one piece #mihawk one piece #crocodile x buggy x mihawk

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sammyboyimagines · 2 years

Text

Road Trip Pt.2

Summary: the long car ride with Steve ended when you stopped at a motel for the night. The tensions snap and feelings are released. 1.7k

again, this is loosely based on the Nancy/Jonathan plot from season 2.

Warnings: angst, arguing, language, Steve and reader are VERY MEAN. SLOW SLOW BURN

//this will probably be a 3 parter, maybe a short 4th part? Like 1k word 4th chapter? how do we feel about the one-bed trope mixed with enemies to lovers and a slight slow burn? I'm just shoving every genre in there tbh.

Two days. Two days spent trying not to strangle your ex-friend/ex-crush as he talked about his ventures with women all over Hawkins. "Do I really have to know about Heidi, Steve?" you were beyond frustrated as you sat in the passenger seat of his car.

It was hard not to notice his hands grip the steering wheel a little tighter every time you said anything. "If you don't want to hear about it, tell me. It's not that hard.." you scoff in disbelief. "Are you kidding me-" he cut you off.

"Uh uh, no more arguing. That's what we agreed upon and I refuse to argue with you anymore." he put his finger in your face as he focused on the road, making you roll your eyes. As much as you enjoyed your times with him, he could be annoying when it came to conflict. "Yeah, whatever, mom.." your snarky comment only enraged Steve more as he pulled into a hotel parking lot. "I've had enough of this. Either you stop attacking me or I take you back home and we never talk again! Because it really sounds like you don't want to do this." Of course, he blames you...

"Remind me again who ditched who?" after no response, you had your answer. "Let's just stay here tonight and we'll go to Murray's in the morning." he starts grabbing his overnight bag, but you couldn't shut your mind off.

"I don't understand why we're doing this anyway. It's all over, isn't it? Will's home and that thing is dead!" you thought back on all the late-night drives you went on with Steve while he explained in detail how his ex just left him for the second time. You thought it was funny then, seeing how bad he was with women. Now, you just pitied yourself for not being brave enough to tell him how you felt. Felt

Those feelings left a long time ago when he decided to ghost you. "It's a Demogorgon, and don't you wonder why it even came to Hawkins in the first place? Don't you want that lab to be burnt to the ground so all of this can be over? Things keep happening with that damn lab and I don't want anything to happen to my friends and family here. Don't you want to end this?" sure you did, but nothing would change the fact that it happened and the worst-case scenario is that they move locations. You couldn't tell Steve however, he'd go off on another conspiracy rant.

"Fine, I get it." you lay your head back on the seat and look out the window. "Did you really ask everyone? Was I your last choice?" it hurt to know that he would have chosen anyone before you, but frankly, so would you. Steve gave you a look, but you couldn't tell whether it was anger or confusion. Steve wasn't angry at you, he never really was. The truth was, he didn't ask anyone else. He knew you lived for adventures like these.

"Let's just get a room. I'm kinda tired from the long drive." Steve snuck a glance at his watch. After a 2-hour drive with you, he was exhausted. Not because he hated you, but because he couldn't look at you without feeling betrayed. After his shitty friends spread the rumor about you, he couldn't even be in the same room as you without feeling double-crossed. Also, it was now around 5 am. You just nod and open the car door, slamming it for extra effect. Yes, you were mad. He was dodging your questions!

"Can we get a room for one night, please?" Steve shifted awkwardly in his spot. You watched him, how he messed with his disgustingly perfect hair. God, he was so annoying.

"Yeah, sure thing." the man at the counter handed him a key to a room. The hotel wasn't a five-star establishment, but it'll do for one night. Steve opened the door and sighed. "One bed. This is great." He put his bag down and rubbed his face tiredly as if it would magically fix the situation.

"I'll take the chair, don't worry about it." you held your own bag in your hand, watching him turn to you as he shook his head. "No, you take the bed." he sighs.

"Steve, you and I both know you wouldn't get any sleep if I took the bed. You need all the energy for the drive tomorrow. Just take the bed." you appreciated Steve wanting you to take the bed. Unfortunately for him, you both were experts in being stubborn.

"Nope, either you take the bed or I'm gonna sleep on the floor." your jaw dropped, sometimes he was fantastic at getting his way. Charming asshole. "Fine! Neither of us will be taking the bed that we paid for!" You crossed your arms. "I'm gonna go take a shower, you either take the bed or neither of us is sleeping tonight."

You turned your back and ignored the frustrated sigh that came from Steve as he sat on the bed. Steve liked to be a gentleman, and he was beyond furious that you were being so stubborn. He understood though, he wanted to argue with you but he knew it wasn't worth it. Even if he could somehow reignite the friendship, he was sure that he would not be able to look at you without thinking about the rumor about you, that you were using him. He wanted to believe that you wouldn't, but he couldn't take a chance and have his heart broken.

He was enamored by you, and he would have told you if his friends hadn't told him about your secret plan to use him for his money and his popularity. Deep in thought, he didn't see you walk out in your towel after your shower until you were snapping. "Hello? Steve?" he broke out of his trance and tried his best to focus on your eyes. The warm steam from the bathroom made him yearn for a long shower to clear his mind. He stood up. "I'm gonna go get some air so you can get dressed." as much as he enjoyed the view, he didn't want to make you uncomfortable, even if he disliked you sometimes.

He sighed and breathed in the fresh cold November air and smiled. It was stupid, how affected he was after such a long time. Friends separate, it happens every day. He ran a hand through his hair and sighed. Why did you have to be so complicated?

Steve came back inside, only to be met with you sitting on the bed crossing your arms. Shit, what now?

"Alright, tell me what's going on? Why are you so quiet, ignoring me?" part of you felt he was tired of you, the same way you felt when he suddenly ghosted you. "There's a lot we need to talk about and I don't want either of us to go to bed angry. Can we at least try to talk it out?" Steve noted the hopefulness in your voice and it annoyed him.

What was there to talk about? You were using him! Pretending to be his best friend so you could get a leg up in the 'popularity war' in sophomore year! "I'm not angry. There's nothing to talk about." He sat on the chair on the other side of the room, making you laugh.

"Really? Then why are you sitting on the other side of the room?" you pointed out. He didn't realize it himself until this moment. He was avoiding you even when you two were in the same room. He'd rather die than admit that though.

"Oh my god, can you just accept that not everything is a microaggression and that you're not always the victim?" he winced at his own harshness. You stopped fixing your clothing. "Excuse me? Since when have I said I was the victim?" he felt anger boiling inside him.

"Since I knocked on your door, Y/n. You've acted like I've slighted you. Meanwhile, I've only been reciprocating the bullshit you've put me through since we separated!" You scoffed. Is he serious?

"Me? My bullshit? You ghosted me, and acted like we were nothing out of nowhere! Do you know how much that hurt?" Steve stood up and walked towards the door, flinching when you grabbed his arm.

"Don't walk away from me. All this time I've been thinking about why you decided to leave!" He turned around, and his face was flushed. It looked like he was holding back. "Just tell me!"

"How long have you been using me, Y/n? How long have you been leeching off of me and pretending to be my friend?" your heart sank. "What are you talking about?" Steve chuckled and shook his head in disbelief.

"No. What are you talking about? You've acted like you're so upset that we aren't friends anymore but you never even liked me! Using me for my popularity, my money, I honestly didn't think you could ever stoop that low but here we are!" Steve threw his hands up dramatically. He was done, done talking with you.

"Using you? Steve do you honestly think I would do that?" you felt yourself tear up at the thought. He didn't believe you?

"No! Don't try to lie your way out of this! You might have thought you were smart but you got caught. I was too blind to see it but my friends could. They let me know who you truly are, a snake!" he opened the door.

"I need some air, don't wait up for me."

//whew y'all! Are you ready for part 3?? Definitely some angst smut next chapter!! Who's up for some one-bed trope?

#steve harrington #stranger things #stranger things netflix #stranger things angst #eddie munson #robin buckley #steve stranger things #steve fluff #steve harrington smut

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yuichi-ro · 2 years

Text

─I am so tired therefore, Megumi must suffer cw: fem!Reader, established marriage, mentions of a son, fluff, unedited word count: 1.1k

ʙʟᴀɴᴋ, ᴀɢᴇʟᴇꜱꜱ ʙʟᴏɢꜱ ᴅɴɪ || ʀᴇʙʟᴏɢꜱ > ʟɪᴋᴇꜱ ────────────────────

The plaster on the bedroom ceiling never looked as ornate as it did with the slowly encroaching sun. Spilling in past the curtains even though you both got them as snug to the window sill as possible.

None of it matter if what woke you wasn’t the sun. But the literal son you had in the next room over kicking his feet for the past two hours.

‘This has to end.’ Is exactly what you’d thought to yourself in the pitch black room over an hour ago.

Minutes had ticked by. Now you could make out every cobweb on your ceiling. Sure there wasn’t a lot of them. But that magic morning sun really highlighted the last hour and a half you’d been awake listening to your son kick his feet like there was no tomorrow. For him though, he’d wake up fresh as a peach ready for a new tomorrow.

You, not so much.

Restless in bed you tried to make the most of the reprieve every few minutes when the kicking stopped. Praying to nonexistent gods that you could magically fall asleep in less than five minutes. Only to turn over with a scowl on your face when your husband hogged all that sleep magic. Still out cold after the last hour of leg workouts your toddler had been doing since well before the sun came up. Even with the monitor set right beside him. Going on two years now and you had no idea how Megumi slept through this awful noise.

Then came the disgruntled noises.

Megumi was a lot of things. But absent he was not.

Groggy as he might have been the noises both through the wall as well as echoing in the baby monitor had him stirring within a second. If things hadn’t already been terribly sleep deprived for you. It sounded like the kid had lost his pacifier among his exuberant kicking in the early stages of the morning.

“He doesn’t have his pacifier.” Arm draped over your tired eyes, groan muddled with all the sleep you weren’t getting, you shook your head not ready to be alive today.

Ready for the gut reaction to get up. You shifted in bed but were put on hold when Megumi got up first.

Mess of unkempt black hair. Thankful his son had been seeing his father this way since the day he was born because chances are if that walked into any other kids room this early in the morning. They’d be screaming bloody murder that the boogie man was getting them.

Megumi still disappeared out of the bedroom before you could say anything. Gone for any amount of time. You couldn’t tell in all honesty. Could have been five minutes or five seconds. Just the sudden reprieve of no kicking had you sinking back into bed with a sigh. Counting, waiting, expecting. But the thud that woke you hours ago never started. Never irked every inch of you with it’s repetitious sound. Or made your blood boil over with the simple fact Megumi could sleep through it and yet you were left to stare awake and enraged at the ceiling unable to do anything.

Just as too many thoughts overshadowed the fact you didn’t hear a single noise from the other room finally. You felt a weight dip at the foot of the bed. Jolting out of the half daze you were laying in. You saw Megumi had reappeared in your room without a sound. And no sound coming from the kid’s room either.

“You been up long?” He murmured, sounding just as groggy as you felt, as he crawled his way up the length of the bed to you.

Not an answer, your groan in response was enough though.

He laid himself on top of you. Making it impossible for you to move. Comforted by the weight as well as the warmth as Megumi acted as your personal blanket. His head resting next to yours as well worn hands came up to brush through your hair. Sending a calming shiver throughout your body as if the first time since being rudely awoken you were able to breath a sigh of relief.

“Go back to sleep, I’ll get up with him later.” Megumi mumbled. Methodically stroking your hair as he laid listless on top of you.

“How do you not hear that at night?” You didn’t understand. In fact you felt like you were always going insane with the things you heard and felt while Megumi remained unfazed by it.

“Blessings of motherhood I guess.” His thumb rested along your jawline as his petting had stopped and he was very clearly falling back asleep.

You hated it. You loved your kid but hated biology. Swarming back into your thoughts. No longer just those of your dirty ceiling. Megumi quickly yanked you right up from those drowning thoughts when he rolled off you just to bring you into his chest. Snuggled down together suddenly reminded you how tired you were.

“But that’s what you have me for.” Megumi muttered into the pillow beside you as he remained on the edge of sleep again, “I’ll take care of it, you sleep.”

Easy for him to say he could sleep through the trampling march of your son’s feet in the wee hours of the morning. Ready to fight back that sentiment and just get up. He then drew his fingers lazily up the middle of your back and even up across your neck. Right into gently running his fingers across your scalp and pulling you closer.

He was right. He would take care of it. He had been taking care of it since before the little tyrant was even born. Doubting him was the silliest thing you could do in your sleep deprived state.

“...you’re such a good dad.” You finally relaxed in your own bed. Letting your arm drape over his side and enjoy the close warmth in bed.

“Only because you’re such an amazing mother.” Though his eyes were closed, Megumi still leaned forward to press a sticky tacky morning kiss to your forehead.

Then without a shadow of a doubt the kicking began all over again. Your eyes fluttered open to see his green ones, though half lidded and tired, staring blankly back at you. For a full thirty seconds you both laid their in each other’s embrace listening to the kicking symphony of your son doing literally nothing but bang his toes into his bed. Neither of you able to see the sun coming in through the cracks to reveal a dirty ceiling. Instead only staring at each other in the golden light of the magic hour when the sun was just right and made everything somehow beautiful.

“We’re never having another one.” Megumi finally popped off the second the kicking stopped.

But before you could say anything the thud came back and it looked like neither of you two were going to sleep the rest of the morning, “God no never. Don’t even mention that.”

#jjk #jujutsu kaisen #jjk x reader #jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk fluff #jujutsu kaisen fluff #megumi #megumi fushiguro #fushiguro megumi #megumi fluff #megumi fushiguro fluff #megumi x reader #megumi fushiguro x reader #fushiguro megumi x reader

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haveyouseenthisskeleton · 1 year

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One day Skeleton wakes up in bed next to... Another him. It's not another AU version. It's just him, except it's not him because he is himself. The clone is here for one day and then just vanishes. What are the skeletons doing on this weird day?

Undertale Sans - They should, you know, probably do something. But man, they are both so tired just looking at each other. Both Sans agreed to do nothing at all and hope things will get better alone, and goes back to sleep in the same bed in a pile of bones. That is until they both realise they can make Papyrus crazy by being in two places at once and make his brain crash. Not an hour later, Papyrus is screeching hysterically as he can't continue with their shenanigans. Sans is a little sad the other Sans disappeared the next morning.

Undertale Papyrus - After the first shock of waking up in such a beautiful company than himself, Papyrus immediately takes things in hand to make the other Papyrus feel nice in his house. He goes into a full clean up session, in front of a very lost other Papyrus who's not really buying his shit. Papyrus is a bit anxious, and he's kinda stress cleaning and act like the other Papyrus is not here. Eventually, Sans will wake up and try to comfort them by saying it's just temporary. After that, the two Papyrus plots a revenge on Sans' pranks because clearly now they are in superiority.

Underswap Sans - They both jump out of bed, gun in hand and scream-asks at the other who he is. This is awkward, they talked at the same exact moment. Honey runs in the room after hearing the chaos and he just... sighs. This is going to be a long day. Once the two Sans calmed down, they obviously wants to hang together, which ends with them in a zoo riding a tiger while laughing hysterically. Honey wants this nightmare to end.

Underswap Papyrus - They both scream out of terror and throw themselves on the opposite sides of the bed. Once they realised it's just... Uh... Himself, it's very awkward, as none of them wants to talk first. So they kinda just stare at each other for a whole hour until Blue comes to wake his brother up and finds them like this. This is going to be a very weird day where Honey tries his best to avoid himself, while Blue tries to comfort the both of them, as they are scared of each other. Thank god it's only temporary.

Underfell Sans - "damn you look dumb" "fuck you, you look exactly like me!" "hell if i am, you're clearly weaker" "no you are" "you are" "you are" "shut up" "no you shut up asshole" They both growl like enraged animals for two hours before deciding that... man, that's too much work. They're going to try to figure what the hell is happening at Grillby's. Two hours later, they are doing a dirty jokes contest as they are both drunk.

Underfell Papyrus - Well, obviously, they immediately go full royal guard mode and try to kill each other, which is revealing hard as they somehow knows the other moves. They both accuse each other to be some evil clone send to replace the other and none of them are going to let go of this. They basically spend the day defending a side of the bedroom and threatening each other of murder if they dare to get close, until the other Papyrus suddenly pops out of existence the next evening. Edge will then trap the whole house to make sure it's not happening again.

Horrortale Sans - .... Uh. Oh well, he's probably hallucinating. It happens all the time. He laughs nervously. Wow, he really just imagines there was another himself in the room. But then he looks up, and the other Oak is still here, looking as confused as he is. They both realise it's real at the same time and then, uh... Just stare at each other like preys, ready to flee or attack if the other moves. From time to time, one of them let go a worried low uncomfortable growl or hisses. Willow opens the door. Both Oak freak out and starts to jump and run everywhere in the room like crazy cats, trying to escape one another.

Horrortale Papyrus - Man, it's too early for this. Willow ignores the other Willow and gets out of his room to go in the kitchen. He then proceeds to stress cook the entire day. Some time later, the other Willow joined him and now there's enough food to feed an entire city. Not that Oak will complain, sitting on the table and eating everything they give them. He's not bothered at all there's two Willow in the house.

Swapfell Sans - Well. That happened. They are both not too pleased about the situation, but that's ok, it's just for one day. They can totally be cordial and not try to kill each other before the end of the day... right? So they both decided to do something they know they would agree off: make themselves a cup of coffee. Except they can't agree of the type of coffee they want. When Rus wakes up, the living room is a war battlefied as both Nox are trying to blast each other behind the couches, screaming insults at each other that they are impostors because they clearly don't know anything at the art of coffee. Rus decides to let them fight and leave the room.

Swapfell Papyrus - They both giggle like idiots in bed, looking at each other. They have no idea why they're laughing. It's not funny. They probably broke the space time continuum, but man, they can't stop laughing. That's so stupid. They're both in feminine underwear. Rus wanted to try just for one night. He didn't expect to wake up with another Rus who had the exact same idea. They can't breathe anymore because something like that could only happen to them. If they have only one day together before it's the end of the world or something, they have to do something stupid. They broke in the national natural museum in feminine underwears and dresses all the animals and dinosaurs with feminine underwear. The only problem being the other Rus disappear in the middle of the operation and he accidentally ringed the alarm doing so. Nox refuses to take him out of jail before two days.

Fellswap Gold Sans - Wine is not happy another Wine just... appeared in his room. After all, it can only be one of them, his huge ego can't take the fact he's not unique. And the other's one ego is just the same. They immediately jump at each other's throat and won't stop attacking until they are both laying on the floor with only 1 HP left, unable to even move. They end the day insulting each other on the floor until they pass out. That's pathetic.

Fellswap Gold Papyrus - At first both very shy, they both quickly realise the advantages of being two like... the ability to hug each other without having to ask anyone to do it. Man, they are already planning a life of ermits where they would only need each other to avoid social life. That's so cool. Until the other Coffee disappeared, that's it. Coffee is hearbroken and he refuses to leave his bedroom for two days after that, begging Wine to bring back the other Coffee. Wine has no idea what the hell he is talking about.

#undertale #underswap #underfell #horrortale #swapfell #fellswap gold #sans #papyrus #undertale ask blog #undertale asks #undertale imagines #undertale headcanons

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circular-bircular · 5 months

Text

Clearing The Air About Sophie

I mean, since she posted something, and since I still get regular asks about her, and since we’ve had a whole grudge and personal feud thing going on for (months? years? time is an illusion to those of us with trauma based amnesia), I do kind of want to respond. Going to put it under a cut for all those uninterested in Sophiecourse.

Side note: This isn’t for Sophie. Like she says on her post, this isn’t an olive branch. It’s just… Getting thoughts and feelings out.

TL;DR: I actually agree with what she said about my personality flaws, I know them and work on them in therapy! I don’t hate Sophie, and I don’t really hate anyone else for that matter. I believe everyone needs chances to grow and change – transphobic, fakeclaiming assholes too. I’m tired of people punching at the mods of SAS who try their best and are pro-endo. I’m tired of people lumping me in with anti-endos when I really do not hang out that much with them. I’m tired of hearing the term “hate-group” thrown around because it has a very different definition than what’s being used and also I am white and privileged I should not be the voice on this! I’m tired of people yelling about SN when I’m not even in that server any longer. And, most of all, I’m tired of people dragging this drama on continuously in the public eye. Let it fucking rest, and please let this be the final essay I have to write about the topic.

Firstly, I want to address: A lot of what Sophie says is absolutely correct. I am loyal to a fault. I have allowed myself to get into a lot of situations that are incredibly fucking harmful, all in the name of being loyal to either a cause or a friendship.

This has led to me being set so far back in my recover lately that I’ve flinched at my partner touching me, split a new part in August of this year, and started obsessively stalking blogs again in the desperate need to know everything, just to appease anyone who might be curious.

I also agree that I mean… I really don’t hate Sophie. I hate a lot of her actions, and a lot of her takes, but I don’t hate her. I simply don’t hate people. It isn’t in my nature. I have a very intense dislike for her, but as she said – coke and mentos. I would likely go “oil and water,” but I think coke and mentos fits more, given my propensity for exploding. Trauma does shake one up.

Secondly: I want to address some of the negatives she’s said that I disagree with, or I feel her personal grudges might be impacting too much.

That’s how I see SAS, who will adopt labels like “syscourse enraged” or “pro syscourse conversation” on Tumblr, while their partner heads over to r/systemscringe to tell the anti-endos that SAS is “100% anti-endo” so they can get that sweet r/systemscringe demographic. SAS’s stance is whatever they think will convince the most people to listen to them.

I would greatly appreciate if people were to stop lumping SAS under that anti-endo label as well, as me and the person they’re actually referring to (Dude) agree on many things (and yes, disagree as well, as is only healthy in a fucking friendship). People so frequently ignore the things SAS has posted about endogenic systems that acknowledges their existence, while simultaneously condemning the entire mod team for the actions of… [checks] a singlet on reddit?

I would not be friends with the mods of SAS if their beliefs fundamentally opposed mine. If any of them were regularly fakeclaimers, harassers, or doxxers, I would be blasting them on each of my blogs that I could, with screenshotted proof (as I tend to do). The fact is, none of them are anti-endo. The one I would say fits closest to that label is Mod Signal, who’s opinions on endos seems to simply be, “god, I don’t want to fucking talk about that, can I PLEASE talk about the etymology of the word dissociative and the intersection of POC and medical spaces?” (Signal, you can correct me if I’m wrong on that, I just feel that’s the vibes).

The fact of the matter is, SAS – every mod there – is a traumatized individual who has made countless mistakes. I disagree with a lot of what Mod Dude has done and said, but not in such a way that it makes me ignore the words being said. He genuinely wants people to live their best lives and recover, while also groaning and laughing at the frankly ridiculous ableism in the world. And he calls that out, and points it out, and tries to clarify.

I don’t find that bad. There’s a reason why we’re friends.

Say, for instance, your friend is under fire for fakeclaiming and transphobia, and your response is to come up with a list of things the victim said to deserve it.

Sigh.

I am no longer a moderator at the Survivor’s Network. At the time of the post Sophie is referring to here, where the user fakeclaimed her with vicious transphobia, I wasn’t online, nor active in the server – I was busy that day, and couldn’t be attentive. I’ve raked myself over the coals endlessly about not being present 24/7 to discuss every last take coming from individuals in that server due to this obsession tumblr has had that any take from SN was clearly supported by everyone there.

It wasn’t.

I nearly left that day, and only stuck around because (as Sophie herself said) I am intensely loyal. And the individual took a step back, and when they came back, some new fire needed putting out. They had lost all memory of the post in question – and I had as well. It’s unfortunate.

When the post resurfaced, the user in question was guilt stricken and absolutely mortified that they had done that. This does not excuse the behavior. They could identify which part had gotten triggered enough to say that, and what led to them being triggered from her blog. This does not excuse the behavior. They wrote an apology to the server, as their actions now (somehow, someway) reflected on every individual in the server, and (more importantly, and accurately) apologized for how their actions might be making the server members feel unsafe. This does not excuse the behavior.

The “making excuses” she lists is the list of things I wrote out while in an incredibly triggered state where I tried to provide context for what could make an individual state such heinous, disgusting things about another person. Because I do not hate others. Not even transphobic, fakeclaiming assholes. They are all simply people, and I understood why this happened. I did not defend the action, but I defended the person. He didn’t deserve hatred; he deserved the chance to redeem himself.

Perhaps I’m too kind. But I believe everyone deserves chances to change. And given that he immediately privated the post (but not deleted, so that if people had questions, he still had the post to show them so he could prove his transgressions), stepped back massively from syscourse, and started discussing more about the self care he was doing to become a less hateful person, I believed he was making that change.

When the place this individual made alongside my friends came under fire for things that were complete fabrications and lies, I included that list in the document detailing each and every allegation. For transparency. Just like the document stated. I also wrote that piece while, once again, triggered and dissociated out of my mind. I was fully in my headspace, as a new part who did not even know her name, and having just abandoned everyone I knew and loved from Survivor’s Network.

I am no longer friends with that individual. Please do not lump me in with that space any longer, as they deserve better than syscourse drama in a space that is dedicated to growth and healing.

I will say this again, for those who did not hear: I do not, and never will, condone transphobia or fakeclaiming of others, regardless of your beliefs about them. Everyone deserves a baseline of respect. No matter their beliefs about anyone else, they deserve basic respect.

I have been harassed endlessly for that belief. It genuinely hurts the amount of times I’ve been accused now of defending transphobia, bullying, harassment, and fakeclaiming (not just from Sophie, but from various hate anons I’ve blocked or the countless plural servers I am no longer allowed to venture into due to being banned for “my actions” when they weren’t mine to begin with). I am not that person, and I’m so tired of being painted that way due to my desire to give people second chances.

Ugh. Anyways.

(Again though, this is only my opinion as an outside observer. And there could very likely be private conversations about their friends’ conduct I don’t see because it would be handled in DMs.)

This is fully accurate, and I wanted to highlight this for everyone in syscourse.

The majority of my syscourse takes place on discord. I’m always hovering between around 7 and 12 system servers that I’m present in at any given time. I’ve always used online spaces as a dissociative crutch to try and help myself focus on something while also dissociating, without losing myself entirely. According to my phone, while I get the most notifications from Tumblr (825 daily, on average), I spend around an hour a day on Discord at least. (Fun Fact: Since leaving SN, I now spend an average of 4 hours on my phone, which is down from 5-7 hours daily! Progress!) Discord is also the first thing I open each day, and I read through all of the servers I usually check for.

I conduct a lot of conversation in private. I don’t feel that the majority of this sort of… business… should be on a public forum like Tumblr. Honestly, I’ve frequently lamented about the fact that Sophie isn’t on Discord much (I’ve been in servers where she was banned due to inactivity) because I feel like I have such better communication there. There’s more time to have a back and forth, rather than these essay long posts that drain my energy and take me days to write (usually).

I do call people out in DMs. I have ticketed a lot of spaces I’m in to discuss with mods the actions of other users, to clarify for myself if I am being triggered, if I’m squicked out, or if I am in the right and they are acting inappropriately. I have blocked many individuals on Discord.

What you see on Tumblr is one of two things: carefully filtered, but edited for passion and attempting to sound as clear as possible, or not filtered in the slightest while highly charged. This post is one of the latter ones, believe it or not. The length of the post doesn’t change the feeling behind it!

The fact is, I can only really call out pro-endos… here. Because I am banned from so many pro-endo spaces… for… calling out. Pro-endos. And discussing their posts in servers that are condemned (wrongfully) of being collections of people in hate groups. Therefore supporting hate groups.

See the issue? It’s a never ending cycle.

I’m trying to join more endogenic oriented spaces currently, but… we’ll see. I find them incredibly stressful for my system, due to past experiences and the increasing need of people to find the “label” that fits others, but. We’ll see.

I’ll still use scare quotes when mentioning their syscourse alignment because I find them to often be out of touch with the endogenic community and our interests.

See above. It’s incredibly difficult to view and understand the endogenic community when each one immediately declares you a fakeclaiming bigot who supports hate groups…

I think because of their friendship with anti-endos, they still want to try to appease both sides as much as possible.

I want to write more about this at the end of the post, but believe it or not… I’m really not friends with many anti-endos. I think I can name 2 off the top of my head who actually do not believe in endogenic systems. And of those two, I only share a server with one.

I don’t believe there’s a world where endogenic systems and anti-endos can both find total acceptance

Hmm.

You know?

I don’t really disagree with this point as much as some may believe.

I actually do want the entire world, one day (or at least, the relevant people in the world) to agree that endogenic systems exist. I fully want anti-endo, as a label, to go away, and I want people to open their eyes and fucking understand what endogenic systems are actually about.

I do not believe there will be a world where anti-endos will continue to be a norm, and I think those who insist on crying about how there’s “people faking having a disorder” need to actually… you know… look. At the evidence we have so far (which is not much, I will admit, but is still there) and at the experiences people are having (which is far more telling and vast). I do not believe that there will be a world where anti-endos and endos can fully co-exist with everyone feeling safe and happy together.

I also do not think that is bad.

There is no such thing as a completely safe, tolerant space. Regardless of someone’s wishes or beliefs, we cannot all be together. We cannot all believe the same things. My heavy Christian upbringing has led to even my own system being at odds with its spiritual beliefs; I am a demonic protector who regularly talks to an angelic part, who both keep an eye on our demonic persecutor, and all three of us have different religious beliefs.

We cannot believe the same things. We will disagree.

That does not mean we cannot work together, cooperate, and exist in the same spaces. I think we need to learn how to, actually, in order for the more ideal “no more anti-endos” future to come to be. If anti-endos are not accepted as people, are not welcomed in by kind endogenic or pro-endos (like I was), then how would they ever learn?

Not that people need to risk their safety like that. I would never want that. But for those individuals who can handle that burden… I feel it is needed.

But this is all beside the point. That’s a good syscourse post for another day.

Circ doesn’t like me calling anti-endos a hate group because, in my (again, outside) opinion, they’re friends with anti-endos and don’t see how the people they’re friends with could possibly be part of a hate group.

I do not like people referring to anti-endos as a hate group due to them not fitting the definition of a hate group. I don’t like it because my POC friends (both neutral, pro-endo, and unaligned) have felt spoken over by others who insist that the actions of anti-endos are somehow comparable to the actions of groups like Nazis and the KKK.

Just a quick google search:

Anti-endos are not a cohesive organization or group, and does not have equal goals across the board. I believe extremist anti-endos could potentially fall under the label of having a goal, but they are disorganized. “The group itself must have some hate-based purpose.” Most anti-endos I have had both the pleasure and displeasure of knowing… just want to be left alone. And for those who do not want that, I call them out regularly on tumblr.

What leaders? What official statements? Again, this is vastly different from groups with an actual creed or motto, groups who are a real crisis in today’s life. Some asshole on tumblr who is rambling about “The People Faking A Disorder!!1!!” is not systematically oppressing endogenic systems. They are not killing them in the streets, or dragging them behind cars via rope (an event I will not be forgetting soon as a queer individual).

Okay, if we use this definition, I could see it. I could see someone calling anti-endos a social group that practices hostility. But that is assuming that every individual who uses the label anti-endo agrees with everyone else in that social group. Which is not the case.

There’s three options, all of which, I could only loosely tie to the term hate-group.

Regardless: It is not my fucking place. I am so incredibly privileged. While I live in fear to hold my partner’s hand in public, queer rights have come leaps and bounds from where they used to be, particularly in the incredibly democratic state I live in. There are individuals who are being killed daily for their race, gender, sexuality, religion, nationality, ethnicity – any element of identity – and I do not have that same sort of fear. It is not nearly as much of a reality for me as it is for others.

That’s why I uplift and repeat those calls that POC around me say. Those POC, again, are not anti-endos. They are pro-endo, predominately. I’ve also had many “endo uninterested” friends, to quote a few.

I do not like calling anti-endos a hate group because I do not believe they are one.

(Not saying this is the only reason they dislike me, obviously. I’m certain they can find lots of other reasons. But it does seem a recurrent theme that these are the topics that make them the most heated.)

There are many more reasons, you are correct! I do believe that there are some that make me far more heated. I just also don’t think saying them here would be any benefit. I’ve already aired out my issues with you on my completely privated side blog, which nobody can see.

That doesn’t need to be public, and hopefully never will be.

And of course, the SN document which included many outright lies or just massively twisted my past statements.

I tried to display everything I saw from Sophie’s blog as I saw it at the time, based on how the individual who fakeclaimed her read them. This is how they were viewed. That isn’t a lie – that’s how they were interpreted.

Also – I was not the only person who wrote that document. I abandoned that document before finishing it, tossing it to the very few current moderators who were left after working on it for a straight week. I cannot, at this point in time, recall what I wrote on it. For all I know, they bastardized what was written and changed every last word.

(They wouldn’t do that. They cared about getting the truth out as clearly as possible. Everything that was on that document should be the fullest, clearest interpretation of events from our perspectives. Nonetheless – I have no recollection of the details that were written anymore, beyond I think some of the section titles, and the allegations that were directed directly toward me).

I’m so tired of people saying I’m lying about what I read. I’m sorry, now, that I didn’t go back through again while on my vacation in August to link to each and every claim I made, to provide the context of the posts. I’m also glad I prioritized my mental health.

Particularly: if I read things that badly, it’s very clear I was far too triggered to be handling those topics in the first place.

And good lord, yes, everything you said at the end, though I’ll address the reverse as I know I have a wider anti-endo audience on my blog:

Do not fucking send hatred to Sophie. Do not go rallying against her. This is what I said on my callout post about her over a year ago, now. Do not interact with Sophie.

That isn’t about her. It’s about you. (At the time, it might have been about her – I abandoned MotCR for a reason. I was a dick back then, and while I stand by the call to action, I actually don’t necessarily stand by that post any longer. But I very rarely delete posts, so people can hold me accountable).

Sophie’s content often triggers those of us with trauma related to many topics – endogenic systems, tulpamancy, racism, spirituality, hallucinations, religion, and many other topics. She discusses those topics in conjunction with endogenic systems.

Someone who triggers you by talking about something that triggers you is not worthy of harassment. Nobody is worthy of harassment.

Someone you feel is spreading misinformation is not worthy of harassment. Nobody is worthy of harassment.

Stop fucking bringing me up to her! Stop bringing her up to me! I’ve said it so many times! I’ve begged her not to post asks about me in the past, but it’s just. Unavoidable when we share the same spaces, at this point, for us not to see each other’s posts. And when I see things, I address them, because that’s the point of a discourse space.

But you all are only harming everyone by trying to “defend” those you care about. Including those you care about! Have faith that the individuals you are trying to support can support themselves. Dragging my name into people’s inboxes to try and support me only continues drama that I would rather be left well enough alone, buried deep in the amnesic recesses of my mind.

Normalizing hatred toward Sophie will normalize pro-endos sending hate to those they view as Not One Of Them. This has happened before and will happen again if it becomes the norm. Pro-endos have been harassed to deletion and even death. Anti-endos have experienced the same.

Stop fucking doing it.

…

And for the last point, as an aside at the end, I have a genuine question.

How many anti-endo friends do you people think I actually have?

When I mention my anti-endo friends, I typically mean… like… 5. Max. And that number has severely dwindled, both due to the fact that I’ve made a lot more people open to endogenic plurality, and due to the fact that I’ve cut many individuals off.

I do not have many anti-endo friends. And of those friends I have, we don’t really discuss any syscourse. I have, I believe, one anti-endo friend at this point whom I share a server with. We discuss very little as we are both fairly inactive in that server. I believe the most recent discussion was “is it morally okay to steal from a big super market” (yes) and “what should I get for christmas this year” (thanks for the suggestion on the diamond painting, I’m kinda looking forward to it if I get it!)

The majority of anti-endos don’t like me. They don’t interact with me. Those that do often find themselves no longer identifying as anti-endo, or already didn’t blast their syscourse stance everywhere in the first place.

The anti-endos I do associate with are the kind that simply want a space away from Endogenic systems. They admit endos exist. They simply don’t want endos around them, and find that the anti-endo label is a quick and easy way to get endos to stay far away. (Huh, it all circles back to that “we should be more accepting of others, regardless of label” idea…)

Look. At the end of the day, one thing remains true: me and Sophie do not need to get along. She will continue arguing against the takes I make that she disagrees with, and I will continue arguing against hers. Honestly, that is far, far healthier than what was happening when I was trying desperately to avoid mentioning her at all. I feel now that I can actually engage in the discussions happening. There’s a lot of reasons for that -- the biggest I think being that I really could not give a rats ass about this topic anymore. I don’t care about what she posts.

The majority of what she posts nowadays are either vagueposts or takes about plurality, which I think is fine and dandy. It’s not my territory, and if I have problems or thoughts, I’ll typically post them on my own. Which I have been! Remarkably, our takes can often exist in conjunction.

Me and Sophie are not at war with each other. It’s more “you stay in your corner and I’ll stay in mine.”

Please let us keep it that way?

#sophiecourse #pleeeeease let this be the end #I’m so tired of this garbage #beauty and poison go hand in hand #kitty caught the rabbit

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frecklystars · 1 month

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i hate that i see one gifset of stsc and my whole body just. locks up. and starts shaking. i hate that i immediately feel like im going to die. im not in danger oh my god im just. im just looking at a fictional robot and my body makes me react as if i have to run. run from what??? im so tired of feeling so nauseous and dizzy and angry every single day. my god i miss stsc more than anything. loving ken is great but it is not the same. nothing is the same. i have come to truly hate TF with my entire being, even tho TF didnt hurt me, it was someone i associated with TF. but i am so bitter about what happened to me and i wish the franchise never existed bc then i never would have met my abuser. but at the same time i miss TF so badly i just want to be able to look at an insignia without crying, or think of a flower meadow without my heart breaking, or listen to the 400 songs collecting dust on my TF playlist. my god there is so much music i miss, but every time i listen to a song on that playlist, my brain just associates it with my TF ships and then i miss them too badly and i cant enjoy the music for what it is. i have tried associating them with ken. i have tried associating them with barbie. it doesnt work. the furthest ive gotten is associating 7 out of 200 megakeri songs with patrickeri but !!! thats just!!! 7 songs!!! out of!!! two!!! hundred!!!!!

i dont know how to explain it to someone who doesnt get triggered but its literally like... spikes of adrenaline shooting through my body and making me shake every time i see something related to TF or even something that would remind me of a TF selfship i had. and my breathing either becomes very short or i just hold my breath entirely. and i start sweating and my body locks up and there's this urge to run, to hide, to call for help, but i cant do any of that, i just freeze up. and like lol thats so stupid bro. ill see a color and it triggers me, ill see a honeybee and i start crying, i see a flower meadow, or like. just. the word starlight. or hearing a song that reminds me of my TF ships. i miss them all so fucking badly. i see hailee steinfeld and it hurts so bad bc i loved her the most in the bumblebee movie, i loved charlie so dearly, she was one of my favorite main f/os years ago, now its like... i just have such a horrible horrible horrible association with charlie and bee and TF in general and i . dont know. how to reclaim that. and seeing them makes my body react like "you're gonna die holy shit" just automatically. immediately. i cannot control it. it just happens. it sucks.

steve blum hugged me so so so tight just days ago and said stsc would never hurt me. like three times. and that stsc misses me and loves me. growled it, as if stsc was truly enraged for being ripped away from me. and yet my brain is still like... numb. i watch the video with steve and im numb. he hugged me tightly and rubbed my back and, like, okay great i didnt have any "oh my god im gonna die" feelings when he was voicing stsc for me, but i was just... numb. totally shut down. i didnt expect seeing him again to fix me, but i was hoping so terribly that it would do something. anything. but i am tired of feeling this way and i want to try to do something about it even if theres almost nothing i can really do except try my fucking best one day at a time

i think one of my main problems is ive spent three years LOVING TF, feeling good with it, la la la. and then BAM about nine-ish months of being isolated with someone who ruined my fucking life. now spent about 16-ish months looking at TF whether it's a gifset or a photo or even just a flower that reminds me of a character or something, then having a trigger reaction where im crying/vomiting/hyperventilating, and then disengaging with TF entirely and spending days trying to come down from being triggered. for over a year, i have been unintentionaly training myself to believe i cannot look at TF. like. i am unable to ground myself when im triggered, i am supposed to say "ok im scared right now but he would never hurt me" or whatever. but i havent been able to do that, i just get triggered and immediately try to get away from whatever i saw that triggered me, and its wired my brain to believe TF is genuinely something to avoid.

i think i need to get into the habit of drawing myself with a TF character at least... once every two weeks. or once a week if i am able to. but i cannot just sit here, missing TF every day, get triggered if i see it, and then avoid it and then cry about avoiding it, and the cycle continues. i cannot keep fucking doing that. dude there has to be a way for me to fix myself. i need to train my brain to believe its gonna be ok even if it takes a long ass time. and then the next time i meet steve blum maybe ill feel? better? cmon, if the voice actor can hug me and say stsc would never hurt his little starflower and my brain doesnt believe that, then there is something else i gotta do. i cant just sit here and feel bad!!!! i have tried several forms of therapy and then i ran outta money, i have tried watching the shows but got a BAD reaction out of that, i tried commissioning ppl to draw myself with TF characters but it's done nothing but waste my money bc i cannot look at the pics, i have tried talking to friends about TF and associating it with them, but none of this shit has worked. but you know what did genuinely make me feel better back when this was really fresh? me drawing myself with TF characters and people commenting nice things about it. me posting drawings of me with stsc and people writing a nice tag or a nice comment. that helped the most. i need to get back into the habit of doing that even if i just get one (1) nice comment, i know it will make a difference. nice comments have always made a significant difference for me whether it's my inbox or dms or replies, any time someone shows me kindness, it helps a lot. and maybe if i just. keep. doing that. i can slowly but surely condition myself to believe again that im safe when i see TF. because i am. i am safe and i am loved and i am missed even if i dont believe that at ALL i know it's there even if i'm completely numb to it

my goal isnt even to hyperfixate on TF again. its to just... be indifferent to it, god that is the best case scenario for me right now, realistically. i just want to not be immediately triggered. i'll have reactions with ken or driver sometimes where i'm like "what if they hurt me" but that's not a trigger. i dont feel like im going to die when i look at them. but i feel like im going to die when i look at TF and im so sick of that. lol im done with that. fuck that. i shall take matters into my own hands. even if it takes years i am NOT giving up!!! no matter how many times i cry and scream and stress vomit and jolt awake from nightmares and make vent posts saying "its hopeless ill never ever ever reclaim them" i WILL fucking reclaim them i dont care if it takes me until im 90 years old!!!!!!!!! i hate living like this and i KNOW if i keep kicking and thrashing eventually something's gotta give. i cannot just lay here on the ground and cry. i gotta get up and scream the entire time and claw my way out of this deep dark depressing pit so i can eventually get out. what is that saying - fake it til you make it??? well ill keep drawing myself being so so so loved by these characters, and faking it until i finally fucking MAKE IT

#vent #delete later #im not back online btw im just venting. my god. i am hurting so bad

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crsentfairy · 8 months

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Odds foe Llyod plz 🤪

LMAO (i am going to jump off of a cliff oh dear god)

1.) What memory would your OC rather just forget?

lloyd would rather forget.. the bat incident. its like everyone who's ever gone to school with him make it their life's mission to highlight that situation as lloyd's entire character or lack thereof. it kills him, because he's better than that now.

3.) What is your OC's fatal flaw? Are they aware of this flaw?

his impulsiveness and lack of emotional control. oh and trust me honey, he knows.

5.) How far is your OC willing to go to get what they want?

its less a matter of how far lloyd's willing to go for what he wants for himself, but rather for who he's doing it for instead. when you add that crucial varible to the equation well... its limitless.

7.) What's one way your OC has changed since you first came up with them?

i would say he's grown to be more vulnerable and willing to back down from a fight once and a while, when critical thinking's used. and i say this sparingly considering last week he grabbed the guy by the neck and sent him flying into a wall at Marshall's.

9.) Do you have a specific lyric or quote which you associate with your OC?

Too many times, I've been wrong I guess being right takes too long.

(Find Your Love- Drake)

11.) What is your OC's weapon of choice? Have they ever actually used it?

his hands. and the occasional nearest-object-he-can-get-his-hands-on. lol

13.) If you met your OC, would the two of you get along?

aahh geez. well, under the right circumstances we'd be pretty cool with each other. but if one of us is having a bad day, we're basically beefing for life. funny thing is, it wouldn't be over something crazy or grave, but we'd just have a scuffle and stay enemies because we're BOTH prideful and too childish to take initiative to apologize first! LMAOO (i'd like to think the hate sex would be insane)

15.) Does your OC have a faceclaim? If so, who?

a blend of august alsina and ludacris! (who're both virgos as well might i add. funny to think about)

17.) What is the worst thing you have put your OC through story-wise?

cherish's disapperence. teehee :3

19.) How does your OC behave when enraged?

haha...

21.) Does your OC have any illnesses or disorders? How do they handle it?

he has anger issues as a result of his general anxiety disorder (GAD). he also has other (undiagnosed) disorders that contribute to lack of impulse control and irrational thoughts/behaviors/outbursts-- all are direct components of his trauma. his way of "handling" it all kinda makes him a familiar face at the police station. other than that.. weed. lots of weed.

23.) What emotion is the hardest for your OC to process? How about express?

grief. definitely grief. "i can take it. i deserve it. nothing's wrong!" you'll hear that from him til' you're tired. but he'll never get tired of it, because he believes it.

25.) What is your favorite thing about your OC?

his unhealthy levels of selflessness. he's like an old loyal dog barking at nothing, because he's trained to bite something. something evil. he will turn to bite himself if he's the evil that must be vanquished.

#ask #nepotisim #crsent.sims #oc #lloyd miles #WHEW!! ryn you officially killed me #my god

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amusementmidway · 2 years

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Kaioshin Headcanons

Because I am a hoe

There's a subcategory of Golden Apples that you can't quite differentiate from the normal ones, the gist is that they're fine on the outside and rotten on the inside.

In many of my AUs Zamasu is often one of these apples instead of a regular Kai.

Speaking of Zamasu and rotten gold apples, I headcanon that those specific Kais grow horns and hate mortals by nature.

Shin's one of them, too, but he doesn't act like it anymore.

He was a nightmare as an apprentice tho and Daikaioh had to care for him like a feral child.

Shin only starts liking mortals by the Buu Arc honestly but they still tire him.

We all know most Kais are named after actual gods, most of them anyway. Some like Gowasu break this rule. Shin's actual name is stated to be Neptune (like the Roman God).

Because of this Shin has a good connection with water.

Kais can grow tails, but only Grand Supreme Kais really get to grow enough for them to be noticable. In my AUs, because Chronoa is way beyond the average age limit for a Kai, she has a really long tail.

Chronoa sees Shin as a little brother in my AUs okay I need this.

Returning to the horns, they're not made of any typical material, their horns are instead made out of wood, like branches, since they come from apples.

Kais taste like apples if you bite them.

Shin tastes like Apple Juice tho.

Before the Goku Black arc Zamasu and Shin used to meet in secret and Shin would try to normalise Zamasu to mortals.

Speaking of Goku Black, in my AUs he's named himself Goku "Black" because he's from an apple that was rotten on the inside.

The Kaiju tree isn't really eternal and can be destroyed, in some AUs Shin has to grow his horns out and replace the Kaiju once she's been taken out.

The Kaiju is also sentient and was a Kai at one point.

In some other AU's, the Kaiju can be turned to a Dryad via the Super Dragon Balls.

Shin made the Milky Way and Earth as a whole, Earth is ultimately his favourite planet.

In some AUs he moves to Earth, taking the tree with him along the way, he's alone on his planet anyway and could be closer to the Z Fighters.

I like to imagine Beerus wasn't a GoD while Shin was an apprentice, and instead, they were both apprentices at the same time and met.

Beerus annoyed the crap out of Shin.

Shin once called Daikaioh dad during training and had a "just called the teacher mom" moment, he is yet to forget.

There are AUs where Shin notices the destruction of planet Vegeta and comes forth to help the leftover saiyans escape Frieza's rule.

Shin is effectively Vegeta's dad in some AUs.

Zamasu and Shin have some AUs where Shin joins Zamasu instead and the Goku Black arc continues, because Shin allows Zamasu to take advantage of the life-link so Beerus can't erase him.

Zamasu wishes Shin back with Super Dragon Balls in those AUs, too.

Creation Ki, like the Ki Kais use to create (the opposite of Destruction Ki in a way), can be learned.

Shin is too Pacifistic to battle, but wants to be useful, instead of fighting, he tends to distract the enemy. Shin's style is usually creating and running, basically making a whole new area to ensure he won't be hit.

He's small so he's hard to hit anyway.

And fast.

Also I just like the mental image of Earthly platforms and mountains rising from the ground during a battle, I feel like it'd look so cool animated.

Anato is the Supreme Kai of U6 in my AU's, Fuwa taking U1 instead. This is because it enraged me how U6 and U7 are sister universes and look so alike, but Shin and Fuwa break that whole idea. I picked Anato because he looks most like Shin.

Calling Shin by Neptune is something only his mom does and he will take it as a threat to be called by that name.

I like the idea of Kai outfits being more detailed, I sometimes give Shin floral patterns and add a 7 to his entire uniform.

Shin was taught by Bulma how to stop being so awkward/nervous, atleast not take shit from anyone.

That being said Shin bitch slapped Beerus with Bulma in BoTG.

Beerus and Shin are definitely secretly lovers.

Speaking of GoD and Kai relationships, most times Kais and GoDs are life-linked at the Kaiju tree.

This is because the Kai inside the Kaiju is the only one who knows how to life-link, that knowledge is passed on to the offspring with horns, so if anything happens, all replacement will go amazing.

A Kai grows taller if planted in the ground, like a tree. The reason the Sacred World of the Kai is so powerful and nearly indestructible as a planet is because the Kai under the Kaiju grew so much that they're the entirety of the Planet's core.

They can be let out and yes they will be gigantic.

The Kaiju of U7 is a she/him kai named Kitzu.

Kitzu used to have a solid friendship with Whis, so Whis visits the tree sometimes for the Girl Talk.

Kitzu comes from Kitsune so we're clear.

Every Kai meeting feels like a highschool reunion, U7 is seen as the Florida of the universes so everyone immediately puts microphones up to Shin so they can hear WHATEVER ELSE they've done.

Cae gets the same treatment coming from U11 but he doesn't tend to tell the stories as much.

Shin tho, that hoe spills everything.

Shin is effectively blind in my AUs, which is why some species on Earth are straight up weird as shit.

Beerus had to correct the colours for Shin most the time.

Zamasu can't understand how Shin interacts with mortals, seeing as they both are horned Kais. Many AUs he tries to get Shin on his side.

This is a real issue in Time Patrol and its been the cause of many Time Breaks.

Chronoa lectures Shin each time.

Kais age incredibly fast, to the point it scares some people.

Kaioshin are very attached to trees and forests because they come from the Kaiju, Shin being blind sometimes confuses himself and hugs random trees.

The Kaiju can see this and finds it amusing.

The Kaiju CAN move so remember that next time.

Shin is very proud of all his creations, but at times just dies inside seeing how they act. Vegeta and Goku had this man wishing he would evaporate during the Buu Arc.

After the Buu Arc, Daikaioh becomes more active even if infused with Buu, he looks over Shin like a son, but secretly in a way.

Shin doesn't know this.

Angels and Kaioshin have a pretty good relationship, with many Kais sometimes attaching to Angels more than to the GoD.

The Angels often allow it to happen because they enjoy the company.

Kitzu used to paint Whis' nails.

Beerus, Shin and Whis are polyamorous in some AUs, often this is literally just seen as Beerus and Whis making out while Shin sits next to them eating a bag of chips.

He's asexual he's there for the cuddles.

In the AUs where Zamasu corrupts Shin, Zamasu and Shin have a partners in crime relationship. It feels homo but its actually just two mad asexuals being left in a room together.

Beerus picks Shin up like the fat rat image.

Shin does not mind, he doesn't need to breathe.

Shin has beef with Frieza, I'm talking REAL beef.

Words cannot express how much Shin has wished to hit Frieza over the head with a chair made out of swords, made out of hammers, made out of axes.

Shin's weapon of choice is a bat, this is mainly because Yamcha once wanted to play baseball with him and he has some really MEAN swings.

He never uses it tho.

Shin and Anato meet in secret, too. They are friends in my AUs.

Shin knows everything about his universe and approximately nothing about anything else. It's also unknown how much he knows about any given topic.

Kais sometimes go down to HFIL just to watch. There's nothing to do and that's some damn good action.

OK thats it bye

#shin #zamasu #anato #Universe 7 #kaioshin #kaioshin headcanons #aizen rants #i love kais okay #maybe I'll do acrosians headcanons next #I would risk it all for Zamasu #I would also risk it all for Whis

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