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memoriesoftanalorr · 11 months

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Note: That's my Trigun Stampede 2023 sona and plus it's au where's Nai is getting redemption arc in the season one finale. I don't remember where's I find this bio template, should I credit on the original? I'll do it later. I'm promise, I just can't find the original oh. I know I'm said before that I wanna make a break but I want to finish this bio. Sorry for slight grammar mistakes. It's a bit embarrassing but l will check on the text soon. I need a break.

Have a good weekend and I highly recommended to watch this anime or old one or manga if you prefer manga. Any of Trigun is awesome.

Bio: Ayumu Nagatsuki

"Hatred and jealousy is not good for anyone's health. You need to let go. I don't know what happened between you two but… I think you need to understand your brother. Everything will be okay someday." Ayumu to Nai/Millions Knives about their conflict with his brother Vash.

First Name: Ayumu

Last Name: Nagatsuki

Alias: Kazu (her nickname), Ayumu or Ayu (By Meryl and Vash), goth girl (By Roberto), Silent Miss (by Wolfwood), Human or worthy one ( by Nai/Millions Knives)

Gender: Female

Age: 27 years old/29 years old (timeskip)

Species/Race: Human/Japanese and Chinese

Sexual Orientation: Straight/Asexual/Aromantic

Birthday: 1st of September

Height: 5'1/154

Weight: 43

Eye Color: Brown

Hair Color: Black Hair

Style: She has a pale skin, thin lips, brown eyes, short black hair, bangs above the eyebrows and back hair is undercut. She is quite a goth and wears a black leather jacket with a hoodie, she wears long, purple fingerless gloves that cover her forearms, gray top and corset, sometimes her back hurts and it helps to keep her back straight, gray pants and flats shoes, no makeup, she wears a helmet mask, when is not, she's wearing red framed glasses since she has bad eyesight. Later on, she began to wearing hat, black T-shirt, grey jeans and boots, either light-blue easy jacket, white t-shirt with dark blue strips and light blue jeans and brown shoes.

Body Type: She's pretty short and slender, pale skin.

Scars: N/A

Piercings: N/A

Makeup: N/A

Accessories: A backpack containing her weapons, a notebook, a pen, a pocket radio. She also wears a gold heart locket. Ayumu mostly wears hood on but later on when she wears easy jacket she started wearing cart-wheel hat.

Personality: Ayumu is kind, caring, humorous, naive, depressive, sad, sarcastic, mindfulness, disciplined, she has sense of perseverance, punctuality and patience, also she's emotional empath.

Backstory:

Ayumu graduated Archival science courses well but unable to continue studying higher education because of her family problems. Ayumu's mother passed away from illness two years ago and she grieves sometimes but tries her best. Some time later, Ayumu studied martial arts Tai Chi. She had a good mentor.

Ayumu was in the desert and lost her way, she could see a large thunderhead clouds and noticed that the wind is picking up, it's was a hint that sandstorm is coming. Suddenly she noticed someone coming her way, when figure get closer she could see a tall guy with blond hair and glasses wearing red jacket. "Hey, I think we're should hide before the sandstorm. My name is Vash." he smiled friendly.

"Hello, my name is Ayumu. Nice to meet you. Do you know a good place for hiding?" A young lady asked.

"Nice to meet you too. Yes, see the ruins far away on the west? How about to come with me?" Vash said.

"Alright, thanks for inviting me."

"Not a big deal." Vash rubbed his neck with his arm awkwardly.

"Let's go then!"

When Vash and Ayumu get inside the abandoned house, she giving him some bread from her backpack and Vash was actually hungry and said thanks to Ayumu. He fall asleep and starts snoring and a girl didn't sleeping.

When sandstorm was over Ayumu woke up Vash carefully and both walked outside. "I hope we're see each other again." Vash said.

"I hope so too." Ayumu replied.

"Bright Light, Shine Through the Darkness"

Some time later at Jeneora Rock, Hamilton who's enjoying killing people with bombs attacks Vash and the others people in the town, also he tried to steal the town's plant, while Ayumu takes away her family for safety then wanted to help others. Things gets even worse when Knives arrived and destroyed and killed or injured some of the townspeople. Vash screaming to Ayumu that she should leave quickly. When she glanced at Vash's brother, she could feel like her body began to tremble, she was scared. Knives was interested in mysterious women in the mask, she was strong enough to survive after his attacks. In anger some of the townspeople telling Vash to leave the town when they're realized that Knives his brother. Ayumu was upset hearing this. A young lady wears off the mask and introducing herself to Meryl and Roberto. Ayumu decided to catch up with Vash and two reporters after she will be sure that her family is okay since she wanted to help her friend.

"Hungry!"

While driving Vash and Roberto alongside with Ayumu to July City, Meryl accidentally hits a traveling priest carrying a large wrapped cross. They take him to a nearby refueling station where they find the inhabitants murdered except for a young boy. Ayumu has a strange feeling about the whole situation but keeping herself calm and quiet, she's okay with Wolfwood and he seem to making her a nickname 'silent miss'. Suddenly, the whole group is swallowed from below by a Grand Worm. Inside the cavernous body, the boy runs off, and Meryl and Roberto disappear as well. Vash and the priest with Kazu are then ejected from the worm through its spout, but Vash allows them to be swallowed again to save the others. Vash realizes that the boy is controlling the worm and the priest unwraps the cross to reveal a highly advanced weapon which he uses to fire at the boy and slice the worm in half from the inside. After the group is reunited and dine on worm meat, he reveals that his name is Nicholas D. Wolfwood and offers to travel with them. Later, Wolfwood secretly meets up with the boy, who is really Zazie the Beast, revealing they are both working on Knives. While this Ayumu wandering why she joined the group, she wants convince Knives that his ways is wrong.

Fun facts:

Ayumu means 'dream', ,'walk', 'vision' and Nagatsuki is old name for September. Kazu is her nickname which means 'harmony, peace.'

She has birthmark on her right hand, it's like a dot.

Ayumu is left-handed. Her writting is a mess but she gonna to improve on her handwriting.

She get a crush on Nai/Millions Knives though she's never knew that she would in love with someone. Ayumu feels his pain and anger and she feeling compassion towards him.

She's rather in love with the voice and eyes of and personality of the person if she even wanted a lover.

Weapons:

Yanchidao or Goose-Wing Saber - A variety of liuyedao, the yanchidao has a clipped tip, which can be straight, hollow, or decorative. Some scalloped edges resemble the ends of feathers on a bird’s wing, hence the name. It is also called fengchidao, which means phoenix wing saber. The other of her weapons are Jian -- an a straight double-edged sword and feng huo lun -- wind and fire wheels, she most keeps it on her belt over her back.

Background

Note: Huh this is the continue of the her backstory cause I'm paste other half in a wrong place of the bio cause I'm on my phone lol.

"Child of Blessing"

Vash and his friends come across an abandoned settlement which relied on wind power instead of plants for survival. However, the wind has long stopped. They are suddenly attacked by massive cyborg, which is intent on killing Vash. As Vash evades the cyborg, it is slowly revealed that the god-fearing village was struggling due to the lack of wind and a boy named Rollo was picked to be the next "sacrifice" to obtain God's blessing. Rollo ran into the desert and was found by Vash, who promised to protect him. However, Rollo was still sacrificed and taken by Knives's organization. Their experiments turned him into a powerful cyborg. He was then set loose and returned to slaughter the entire village, including his mother. Knives is now exploiting Rollo's resentment towards Vash for failing to protect him. Vash tries to calm Rollo down who hesitates. However, Wolfwood shoots him through the head, killing him. Vash is furious at Wolfwood, but he reminds Vash of his failure to protect the boy who had his humanity taken from him. Ayumu a bit confused by the fact that Meryl and Roberto found an a old photograph of Vash and baby Rollo. Former archival science student was angry and emotionally overexhausted and decided to meet with the group later, she's also was scared.

Ayumu travels through desert and being attacked by some people, they are fought her and she get wounded, a young archivist fainted, Knives was nearby and caught Ayumu while she falls on the ground unconscious, he carried her away. She woke up in the room lying in a bed bandaged in Knives' organization. Ayumu still feel herself weak, she rubbed her eyes and about to lay in the bed a bit longer. Then she remembered everything and get up and wears her glasses on. "Wait, how I got here? Where I am?" She looked around the room and then get a deep breath to calm herself down. Ayumu start to remembering every second of the previous events before she got into this room. She closed her eyes and started to remaining of all the sounds and feelings, she remembered she felt that someone grabbed her and probably rescued her. Is this Vash? No it's can't be him neither Nicolas or Roberto. Ayumu decided look outside the room but she heard someone's steps walking towards the room and she lay down in the bed and wear her glasses off and pretended she still asleep.

A scientist William Conrad who working on Knives comes inside the room and walked near a young lady. "Wake up. Miss Nagatsuki, you should follow me. I'm the one who take care of your wounded leg. You need to go with me without questions."

"Oh, alright. I'm coming and thank you by the way." she put her glasses on her nose.

A scientist left Ayumu in the room with a person in the huge and weird clothes in a hood, her body starts shaking in fear, she recognized a person in front of her, it was Millions Knives. Also Ayumu heard how Vash called his brother Nai. "Your name is Ayumu Nagatsuki, right?" he glanced at the young archivist. "That's right." Ayumu replied looking at him, rubbing her arm nervously.

"I don't think I have to introduce myself to you." Nai spoke.

"I've seen you before…" Ayumu closed her eyes in anxiety.

"I had watching you as well." He said calmly. "Why have you do all of this?" She asked.

"You humans…" He said angerly.

"Humans? So you want to say that you're and Vash are Plants?" Ayumu guessed.

"You're clever. I underestimated you." "Why you that hate humanity?" Ayumu asked again.

"I have many reasons to hate humanity but I can tell you one of them. Because Vash, my brother choose humans over his own kind! He left me!" Tears flowing down his face, he was full of pain and anger. Ayumu feeling his pain, she stepped towards him. "Hatred and jealousy is not good for anyone's health. You need to let go. I don't know what happened between you two but… I think you need to understand your brother. Everything will be okay someday." Ayumu said softly. "Shut up, it's not your business! How dare you!" Knives shouted furiously. "I'm sorry, I'm didn't meant to---" Ayumu lowered her head, somehow her voice calmed him down, Knives stared at the girl's eyes when she watching him for a second. He walked in piano room not caring if Ayumu follows him or not.

Ayumu walked after him, "Wait, you didn't tell me why I'm here." Knives seat down next to the piano and started playing, his fingers dancing on the keyboard and Ayumu standing in silence and enjoying the music. When he finished a young lady spoke again. "That was wonderful."

"I'm bet you never played piano, right?" Knives made a smug smile.

"What a lame insult. I heard better. I have another talent. I think hearing, listening and empathy is my thing." Ayumu said calmly.

"I think you don't think highly of yourself as a skilled fighter. You're an a worthy opponent." Nai looked at Ayumu.

"Oh, you're giving a compliment to a human or it's seems to me." Ayumu teased him. Knives stared at her bitterly. Ayumu stay silent for a moment. "Can you do me a favor?"

"What?" He frowned.

"Can you promise me that you're never hurt me and can I leave?" Ayumu leaned her back against the wall.

"I promise you and I didn't have plans on kidnapping you against your will." Knives said calmly.

"Seriously? But you want something from me, right?" A young archivist replied.

"You're here because I wanted to heal your wound. Actually I wanted you to join me." Knives made a little smile.

"So I thought, I need to think about that." Ayumu hide her face.

"What you promise me in return?" He walked towards her.

"What you want me to say?" Ayumu lowered her head again.

"I thinking of meet up again and you owe me a duel. As I said before, you're worthy opponent." Knives told her.

"I promise." Ayumu sighed in relief. "Goodbye for now." Knives finished the conversation. Ayumu taking her belongings and weapons and walked away. "What a weirdo." She thought. William Conrad lead her away.

Some days later

Ayumu fall behind from Vash and the gang, she stayed on the abandoned house for a while, a young archivist wants to think about everything on her own. Ayumu sitting on the roof and watching the sunset. Then she jumps down and take a walk over ruins. Knives knows where she is hiding, he walking towards her slowly in the shadows. Ayumu feel someone's presence and take her sword and turned to him. "You?" She still holding her sword over his neck, she glances through his eyes, she was stunned for a second but she could see pain, loneliness and coldness inside his eyes.

"Ayumu." He made a little smile and that surprises her because this smile wasn't evil or smug. Also she noticed he wears a white suit with markings, this suit making him look skinny which makes Ayumu blushing. What a show off. Miss Nagatsuki take her sword away from him and stepped beck, lowering her head. "Why don't you just leave me alone?"

"No way I'll do that, you owed me a duel." He grabbed her hand when she turned away from him. Ayumu blushes again. "A little warm up won't hurt. But remember you're promised me that you'll not hurt me."

"Yes I remember."

Ayumu standing up holding her sword, concentrating and become calm. Knives attacked first and she used self-defense kind of attacks and gracefully avoided his attacks, then blocks him but after some time she losing her focus when he grabbed her arm and pushed her against the wall and her hand starts trembling causing her sword falling on the ground, he stepped away a bit and Ayumu looked away confused. "Not bad, human." He make a smug smile.

"Not so good either." Ayumu blushing.

"What's wrong or you're can't face your losing in a fight?" Knives chuckled.

"Not quite." Ayumu take a deep breath. She turned away from him and walked away dramatically. Nai following her through ruins. Ayumu standing and looking at the skies, still silent. Nai touched her hand again. "Why you're so silent?" He asked annoyed.

"Because today I'm thinking of a person I loved and that person is gone for two years now. I'm sad. Let me just a minute to think in silence." Ayumu answers coldly. Nai let go of her hand annoyed. Several minutes later, she glanced at him. "Why you're followed me here?"

"Do you decided will you join me or not?" Nai asked.

"It's hard… I didn't think of this for a while." She confessed.

"Then I'll give you more time to think. I can admit you're not like the other humans." Nai replied. "Seriously? I'm flattered." Ayumu hiding her smile.

"Goodbye, Ayumu."

"Bye, Nai." Ayumu turned away again and walked inside the house.

"Millions Knives"

Vash wakes up in Ship Three, which intervened to stop the sand steamer. The much older Luida shows Meryl and Roberto a huge terrarium containing flora with which they plan to terraform Noman's Land. Also Luida found Ayumu and said her friends already waiting for her. Ayumu was glad to see Vash and Meryl and Roberto again. Meryl was happy to see her too and asked Ayumu where's she been all this time and she replied that she get into a fight on the way in the desert.Later on, Meryl and Roberto and Ayumu are kidnapped by Zazie and taken to Knives' base in July. Zazie reveals that they are in fact a hive mind representing the collective will of the indigenous Worms of Noman's Land, who are trying to determine whether they would benefit most by aligning themselves with humans or plants. Knives takes Ayumu and told her about his plans. Ayumu begging him gave a chance to the humanity and gave up on his plans. Knives was angry hearing her words, he asking her several times joining him but she can't choose between Vash and Nai's side.

"To a New World"

Vash is dropped into a tank, where Knives forcefully initiates mental connection with him. Meanwhile, Meryl and Ayumu heads to find Vash and is outraged when Wolfwood states that Vash is no longer his concern. She reaches Conrad's lab where he explains that plants are a conduit between their physical powers and its source in a core which exists in a higher dimension. Knives intends to synchronize with Vash, using his unique ability to open a two-way gate to the higher dimension. Knives plans to use the core to give every plant a soul, making them all Independents and guaranteeing humanity's extinction. Vash resists as Knives manipulates his memories and shows him that there was a third Independent child on their ship who was used for cruel experiments. Knives finally breaks Vash's will by saying he brought down the colonial fleet for Vash's benefit. When the brothers are fully synchronized, Knives opens the gate and travels to the core. Outside, Vash begins spawning tendrils that begin destroying July as they form a massive flowering humanoid figure while Knives proclaims the Independents will bring a new order to the world. Ayumu wandering again, she's halfway gave up on Nai. In the same time she's don't want to face him but Meryl needs her.

"High Noon at July" Knives makes contact with the Core to birth a new generation of Independents. Meryl pleads with Vash to wake up, and her voice causes him to regains his senses, ejecting Knives from the higher dimension. Shortly beforehand Ayumu distracted Knives with saying, "Do you remember what I'm told you about hatred? You need to let go, Nai! Please! You promised me you won't hurt me." Tears flows down her face. Knives become confused but answering. "Join me or leave." Ayumu was scared for Meryl cause he is about to kill her, Vash saved Meryl just in time while Ayumu get a bruise. Knives then battles Vash for control of the Core as Wolfwood takes Meryl to safety, Ayumu coming after them. Eventually, Vash loads the Core into his gun and fires it into space to safely dispose of its energy. Vash then impacts in July City, inadvertently destroying the entire city. Nai somehow in emotional breakdown and refuse of his plans because he couldn't cause pain for Ayumu. He approaching his brother saying he can't do this anymore and saying he never wanted to kill Rem and begging Vash to forgive him, Vash hugs him and saying that he's forgiving him. Then Ayumu face Nai some time later after the city blows.

"Ayumu." Nai's voice cracks. "Nai? What happened? What's makes you change your goal to get rid of humanity?" she said coldly.

"I'm… I did it for you." Nai spoke.

"Why?" Ayumu asking.

"Because I promised you I'll never hurt you." Nai's voice cracks.

"Oh, Nai. How's Vash? You two become whole again?" She squeeze his hands.

"I hope he'll forgive me. Will you?" Nai said.

"I think I will."

Two years later, Ayumu get back to her family and get a job as archivist. Nai was afraid that humans will not forgive him for his murders and hides somewhere only he and Ayumu knows. She visits him, both care for each other but both not sure what they're feel for sure, at least Ayumu will be his emotional support and making him healthier but she's unsure if his hatred for humanity return again or not.

Vash has become a fugitive again, with the remaining cities posting an billion bounty on his head. Meryl and Ayumu pays a visit to the city's ruins to pay her respects to Roberto, she plsced a photo, on the photograph is Roberto, she, Wolfwood, Vash and Ayumu, then the two was warned by Zazie that other humans from Earth will be coming. Meryl is informed by her superiors that she is being assigned a new partner named Milly Thompson. Ayumu proud of Meryl and wishing her luck. Meanwhile, an amnesiac Vash is living quietly in a small settlement. In outer space, another human colony fleet led by the Independent Chronica detects a Gate disturbance and traces its location to Noman's Land.

#trigun stampede 2023 #trigun stampede au #trigun sona #trisona #vash the stampede #meryl stryfe #roberto de niro #nicolas d wolfwood #millions knives #zazie the beast #trigun self insert #trigun nai #original character #oc bio #my thoughts #trigun stampede

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acespec-ed · 2 years

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hello!! you’re the first blog that comes to mind when i think of an acespec who’s really nice and kind and your ask box feels like a safe place, if that makes sense 😅

i go by graysexual, but i feel like i’m actually experiencing sexual thoughts for the first time?? and um… how do people do this without a guide???? ive actually been pretty much strictly aroace since i’ve been old enough to understand orientation, but then this guy comes along… it’s really weird to me too, because i also have a crush on him, but i don’t even know why.

where is my manual 🥲🥲🥲 where is the book called “If You Never Thought You Were Going to Experience Attraction But Now You Are (Kind Of?) Here’s a 10 Step Reference Guide For Dummies!” i have literally no frame of anything whatsoever and i don’t understand how the allos do it 😭

i’m still not sure whether anything i feel actually counts as attraction. they say you’ll know it when you feel it but i’m still ??? it’s definitely the closest thing i’ve ever felt to it, but i feel like i’m missing all the physical reactions… no warmth in my body when i think about the sexual stuff, no butterflies or nervous excitement for the crush aspect (plus i don’t really know if i even wanna go on dates with him). maybe it’ll just come later? i’ve known Mr Guy for a while but for whatever random random reason i realized i kind of liked him differently a couple of weeks ago.

i’m just very nervous because all of this is so new and i feel like as an aspec person, it takes you so much more off guard than an allo going through the typical phases? like i’m so out of my depth, and i don’t know what i’m doing. i’m assuming nobody else really knows either, but i thought i was aromantic and asexual and now i want to cuddle and kiss a guy and if he wanted to i’d let us do other things?!?! it’s just a little bit unexpected 😅 idk my only experience with attraction is aesthetic and that also never had any risk of what if it’s all unrequited so that’s fun. seriously there’s so much to deal with all at once i truly don’t understand how this is just another tuesday for some people lmao

anyway i hope this ask wasn’t too much and i hope you have a good rest of ur day!!

Oh God this ask is a big mood. I'm sorry you're going through that. I've gone a good while now without sexual attraction in my life but when it popped up last year it was just... the most confusing shit in the world. I needed a god damn manual too! And it happened towards two people in the span of a year which did wonders for my self-confidence in being ace. I honestly don’t get how allos put up with it either. I was asking myself that multiple times a day. It was all very distressing and I hope it never happens again. (And aphobes say we’re “just allos.” Like allos spiral into a state of confusion every time they feel attraction. 🙄)

It sounds like you could be sexually attracted to them, but without the physical aspects. It’s the fact of how you sound about as confused and weirded out as I was, that makes me think you’ve got some form of attraction going on. It’s very possible the physical sensations will hit you later. It did for me, though one of the cases I felt the physical sensations before having sexual thoughts. I guess it’s different for everyone, and even a different process each time. Meanwhile for me, I feel romantic attraction for a bit, and then there’s a possibility of having questionably sexual thoughts. Once I start getting those thoughts, I end up with full-blown sexual attraction. Maybe you’ve got something similar going on. Or it’s just a weak case of it. But if a weak case is causing this much confusion for you, God help you if you ever experience a strong case.

I wish I could give you actual advice on how to handle sexual attraction. But I never had any idea. I ended up just, putting up with the thoughts. I felt so guilty and perverted in the beginning, for having those kinds of thoughts about the person. Like I was somehow violating him. But I was having a damn hard time keeping myself from thinking those thoughts and also, I wanted to keep thinking those thoughts anyway. So I eventually gave in, telling myself that he'll never find out about them anyway and, chances are, he's done the same thing with other people. Basically, you gotta ride it out. The feelings will end eventually. And then all will be right with the world. (Similar advice for romantic attraction. For any attraction, come to think of it.)

Unless you decide you want to act on your attraction. If so, I can't give much advice on how that works either. I guess just, try talking to them. Ask them questions about themselves. If all goes well, you can see if they want to hang out with you. And see where that takes you. (That's pretty much how it rolled with me landing my first and only boyfriend. Though I had to have friends tell me what to do.)

Whatever you decide to do, I wish you the best of luck! 💜

#asks

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ezrasarm · 3 years

Text

Coming Out As Asexual/Aspec

Pairings: Javier Pena x reader, Marcus Pike x reader, Din Djarin x reader, Ezra x reader, Frankie Morales x reader

Word count: 2.3K (oops)

Warnings: discussions of sexuality, depictions of main characters as Aspec

A/n: I apologize these were meant to be head canons and a few of them wound up turning into mini fics. I would like to thank @dishonouringmycow for supplying many ideas and helping me concoct these for you and @kiss-evans for her insight as well. These were a lot of fun to write! We’ve written these HCs in hopes that they will be inclusive and relatable to most ace/demi-/greysexual folks and anyone in between. We hope you like them!

[masterlist]

Javier Peña

Telling Javi is a little tricky.

Given the time period, and the fact that asexuality was hardly a word let alone a widely accepted concept, Javier didn’t stand a chance when you went about explaining to him your “unconventional” relationship with sexual attraction.

You didn’t even fully understand it yourself at that point which is why you were terrified when you felt you owed him an explanation for turning him down.

You and Javi had been dancing around each other since pretty much the moment you landed in Bogata.

You knew you cared about him more than the average coworker and Steve didn’t hesitate to tease either of you mercilessly for it with every chance he got.

But there was a reason you had been avoiding acting on those feelings you harboured for him and a reason you were so terrified when he reciprocated them.

Silence overwhelms the small stakeout vehicle when you tell him.

He doesn’t get it.

“Oh.”

The disappointment that pours off of him is palpable.

This really wasn’t the reaction he was expecting to the heartfelt confession he had mustered up the courage for only moments ago.

“Javi,” You sigh, “It’s not like that. It’s not personal. I don’t feel attracted to anyone that way.” You reiterate but he still seems convinced that this is just an elaborate attempt to spare his feelings.

“You don’t have to do that, you know? You don’t have to let me down easy.”

“That’s not what this is. I really just don’t operate that way.”

You had seen the girls coming and going from his apartment across the hall. You knew how he chose to blow off steam after stressful days at work and you knew you couldn’t keep up with that.

“I don’t think I can be there for you like you want me to.”

It takes a moment for it to dawn on him what you mean and you think he finally takes the hint when another ‘oh’ escapes him.

“I don’t need-“ He starts up but cuts himself off when you give him a pointed look.

“I really, really wanted this to work.” He says after what feels like hours of you discussing all the reasons you would wind up resenting each other if you went down that path. All the fears you had of starting something up with him.

“Me too.” You hum solemnly when you deflate to lean into his side and rest your head on his shoulder. “I’m sorry.”

He’s quick to shake his head and whisper a quiet “Don’t apologize.” When he wraps an arm around you and places a kiss to the top of your head.

You both walk away from that stakeout with heavy hearts but lighter shoulders and although it takes some time to heal you learn to show how much you care about each other in different ways.

Now he slings an arm around your shoulders when you’re getting unwanted attention on a night out.

You stay up drinking with him so he doesn’t have to brood alone after a particularly tiring day.

Soft touches and reassuring words come easier between you two.

Most importantly you’re both happy and you haven’t lost each other.

Marcus Pike

Marcus is a little less clueless.

He knows Asexuality exists and has a vague sense of what it is, he just doesn’t know a whole lot about it.

There’s not much pressure when you tell him.

It comes as a bit of a disclaimer early in your relationship and you try not to make a big deal of it. You just want to make sure that he’s aware as your relationship progresses.

Marcus, ever the sweet and compassionate boyfriend is attentive and understanding as you speak.

The words that seem to stick out in his mind come at the only point when the slightest bit of doubt weens it’s way into your voice, “I just wanted to make sure that that’s- that I’m enough for you.”

His heart stops and he’s overcome by a feeling of both shock and sorrow that you could ever think such a thing of yourself.

“Of course. Of course, you’re enough.”

“You’re more than enough. You’re… you’re everything.”

What you don’t see is the way that after this conversation he finds himself wracking up more and more questions that he’s too scared to ask you. Not because he’s afraid of the answer but because he doesn’t want to overstep or make you uncomfortable.

So naturally, he turns to the next best thing.

The internet.

What he fails to realize is how broad a spectrum of asexuality there is and all he gets is more and more confused.

Marcus accidentally develops a following on Aspec Reddit forums for trying to ask people questions and them all just going “aww, Hun” at this poor clueless bean and swooning over how much he cares about you.

Despite the enthusiasm and volume of their responses, they don’t really add much clarity beyond “Hey, maybe you should ask your SO”

Instead, he runs around treating you like glass while he tries to buck up the courage to actually talk to you about it until on a movie night as he awkwardly tries to contort himself around you so he’s cuddling you… without touching you, you finally snap.

“Marcus! What is going on?”

That’s when he finally and rather sheepishly admits that he wants you to tell him more about your sexuality.

“Oh.”

You pause the movie and give him your full attention as you try and talk him through as much as you’re able to explain until suddenly you’re stuck for an answer and you look up at him with rather watery eyes as you admit you have no idea and suddenly you’re the one having the existential crisis.

“Oh, oh no. It’s alright, we can figure it out together! Shhh, it’s all fine. Please don’t cry! Reddit didn’t tell me this would happen!”

“Who-ddit?”

Din Djarin

Coming out to Din is rather anticlimactic.

He doesn’t have much to say beyond “Okay.”

You’re a little confused at first.

That went… too well.

It’s a while later when he brings it up again that you begin to realize why.

There’s no hesitation or taboo, he’s quite straight forward when he asks why you were so nervous.

At first, you’re not so sure what to say. Wasn’t that kind of obvious?

“Not everyone takes it so well.” You shrug thinking back to past relationships where your partners seemed to expect you to give them more than you were willing to.

You could practically see the gears turning behind his visor and it’s only now that you connect the dots and his reaction from before seems to add up.

To him, that was the norm.

It makes sense the more you think about it.

In all the time you had spent travelling with him, all the objectively beautiful women, men and everyone else in between that had crossed your paths, all the slurs that had been thrown at him by drunkards in cantinas about how he fucks with all that armour on, all the rather compromising situations you had found yourself in with him before and you had never caught his gaze wander or heard him express any indication of interest in yourself or anyone in that way.

You had always put it down to his creed. As far as you were aware such things were forbidden for people of his faith but you’re left with an odd sense of comfort as you realized that wasn’t the case.

Perhaps this was his strange little way of letting you know you weren’t alone.

Ezra

When you met Ezra you were prepared for the worst.

A guy as cocky and loquacious as him and you just trying to keep your head down in the busy bar and enjoy your drink in peace after a rough day.

You didn’t have high hopes when he swung into the booth across from you and started down whatever elaborate story he had decided would impress you enough to get you into bed.

“It’s my missing appendage, isn’t it?” he asks when you quite clearly don’t bite.

He’s already moving to leave you be when your eyebrows knit together in confusion and your eyes blow wide as you’re hit with a sudden wave of guilt.

You had grown used to deflecting advances like this but something about the way he said it, the bold, charismatic man suddenly looking like a kicked puppy made your guts churn.

You didn’t normally give an explanation, you didn’t feel you owed anyone that, especially not a stranger and yet here you were.

“What? No! No, I actually think you’re very good looking and charming and all those things people look for in a partner, I’m just not particularly one for casual hookups.” You say looking around the room where you now felt wildly out of place with just about all of its inhabitants presumably looking to get laid or trying to forget someone they couldn’t do so with.

“...Or any hookups really.” You correct yourself and watch as the disappointed look on his face morphs into a glint of curiosity.

“You a uh- a spade?” He asks resettling into the booth, an oblivious smile settling on his cheeks when you laugh at him.

You spend until last-call deeply enthralled in conversation and comforted by one another’s company.

That’s all either of you were here for in the first place, to feel a little less lonely.

You’re only pried apart by the closing of the bar, the nag of sleep hot on your heels and the promise that this wouldn’t be the last you saw of each other.

Frankie Morales

Frankie knew you were asexual.

You had told him before, he just didn’t entirely understand what that meant until much later on.

He seemed familiar with the term but his knowledge of the concept didn’t seem to extend beyond a basic definition.

Frankie’s first wife was his first for a lot of things. First girlfriend, first kiss, first love, first lover, first breakup.

He took the divorce pretty hard, as anyone would.

They’d gotten married so young, before he was deployed, that the guys had never seen him single before and neither had he really.

It took a long time for him to recover and by then he was content. ‘not in a particularly big rush to start down the relationship path and get hurt again’ is how he had phrased it to you once in confidence.

But another factor that he failed to recognize fully at the time was that he just hadn’t found anyone he was interested in in that way.

He’d tried going on a couple of dates but none of them clicked and it just left him feeling more alone.

It was after Tom died, almost five years after his divorce that the guys finally called him on it.

At first they just assumed the way he had been acting was about Tom and in a sense it was, Tom was the only one who had been through a divorce before, he was the only one who really understood and talked him through it when the going got tough.

Will was the one to put the pieces together and realize that the issue wasn’t Tom so much as Frankie getting more and more tired of being on his own.

His intentions were well meaning. They were just trying to help.

All they wanted was to see him happy but the more the boys seemed to try and set him up, the more resistance they were met with and even Frankie couldn’t figure out why until he was sat, venting to you about it one night.

“How did you know you were ace?” He blurts out suddenly and you’re a little lost for words, you weren’t really expecting this conversation to go this way but it was obviously something he had been considering for a while.

“Sorry that wasn’t a fair question,” He says when he notices you’re struggling, “I just- they keep trying to set me up with, who I’m sure are some really great people, but it’s all on this little tiny screen and all you see are a couple photos and maybe a blurb if you’re lucky and there’s just no…”

“Connection?” You suggest. Those big puppy eyes shoot up to you from where they were fixed on the counter in front of him and he gives you a slight nod.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” He sighs and your heart breaks a little looking at him like that before you round the counter and pull him into a hug. “I’ve felt attraction before but I look at the guys and it feels like it takes so much more for me to get to that point than them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” You assure him gently, brushing your fingers through his hair when you pull away to give him a reassuring smile. “Sounds like you could be on the asexuality spectrum.”

“There’s a spectrum?”

[masterlist]

Permanent Taglist: @agirllovespancakes @chaoticspaceidiot @engineeredfiction @pedropascalito @dreamgirl-67 @wickedfrsgrl @hillarymurray4 @din-damn-djarin @yespolkadotkitty @wille-zarr @oloreaa @browneyes-djarin @marydjarin @roxypeanut @opheliaelysia @cryptkeepersoul @prxtty-boah @aliciaxglasgow @elena-myth @theocatkov @bioticgoddess @edencherries @kandomeresbitch @mrsparknuts @hayley-the-comet @rachelxwayne @thirstworldproblemss @andriecastana @justanotherblonde23

Pedro Boys Taglist: @theravenreads @mrschiltoncat @seasonschange-butpeopledont @dishonouringmycow @deafspaceperson

#javier peña x reader #din djarin x reader #frankie morales x reader #marcus pike x reader #ezra (prospect) x reader #frankie catfish morales x reader #ace!reader #asexual!reader #demi!reader #demisexual!reader #greysexual!reader #graysexual!reader #frankie Morales x demi!reader

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feifood · 3 years

Note

I saw your Haikyuu asexual friend hc's and I wanted to request one but with the carrot top and blueberry boys Hinata and Kageyama😋 also gotta have Yachi also cuz she's such a sweetheart. Maybe the s/o is female to help even out the trio's dynamic, and she's always teasing Yachi about being so shy around guys and making innuendos with her😂 meanwhile the boys are just confused cuz they don't quite understand why Yachi is freaking out over the jokes😆 maybe s/o brings snacks and food when their practices run late and she sorta just pops in unannounced with bags of food and drinks🤷🏽‍♀️ just something cute between friends.

Asexual S/o who Gets Along with their Friends

Kageyama, Hinata

yesss more love for Hinata and Kageyama lets gooooooo okay so I hope that I got everything in the request in my hcs because I was so paranoid that I kept missing an element aksdhfksjhf but yeah so here are your hcs and I hope you like it !! I didn’t include the Fem part because I didn’t use any pronouns or any specific descriptions in the hcs so I hope that’s okay but regardless the idea is very very cute so thank you for requesting it + take care <33

Kageyama:

With Kageyama, you’re definitely going to have to explain to him what asexual means

He get’s the overall concept, but really not enough to consider himself as properly educated in this area

So please teach him and after you team him baby is gonna spend a very long time trying to make sure he remembers the ‘unwritten/unsaid rules’ to make sure he never offends you or says something that’s out of line

Kageyama and Yachi aren’t as good friends as Hinata and Yachi but he still thinks it’s kind of funny when you’re teasing Yachi

YEAH OKAY So maybe Kageyama doesn’t get the majority of the jokes that you say to Yachi because they’re about how Yachi’s so shy around guys BUT he still laughs along okay he’s not about to ruin the playful atmosphere

Not to mention you are !! The snack saviour !! Always stocked up on snacks (all the different brands, all everyone’s favourite) and you never forget to bring them when you visit them during practice

Everyone’s so used to you bringing snacks to the point where you coming in to see their practice = break time because they’re munching on those snacks immediately askdjhfjsd

But yesyes aside from all that Kageyama is very thankful that you’re able to get along with his friends

He’s really big on working as a team now that he’s learning from what happened in middle school and while you + his friends aren’t actually a volleyball team together,, the familiarity between everyone is something that he’s very grateful for

Hinata:

Babes Hinata literally grew up with only his mom and sister so if you think he’s not respectful you need to go rethink this entire character

Probably also has no idea what asexual really means SO PLEASE JUST BE PATIENT WITH HIM

But after you explain it to him in full he totally understands it dwdw

He doesn’t get why you were so hesitant/worried to tell him though because Hinata believes that someone’s sexuality literally has nothing to do w/ their worth and it’s not other people’s place to tell others what’s valid or not

That being said, he probably won’t bring up that you’re asexual a whole lot -- because he just loves talking about other amazing things about you more but if you ever want to tell him about some of your struggles/obstacles you’re dealing with he’s there patient + ready to listen

Hinata literally LOVES that you can get along with his friends

He is definitely someone that finds it more fun when talking to groups of people rather than one-on-one,, so the fact that you can get along so well with his friends makes his lil heart swell with joy

Like he loves watching you poke fun at Yachi sometimes just to get a reaction out of her, or when you’re always willing bring snacks to whichever group gatherings are going on

Before you two really became official Hinata was really worried that you wouldn’t fit in with his friend group but now that he sees you laughing along at their jokes he’s very very relieved and just so so happy overall

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hinerdsitscat · 3 years

Text

So Let's Talk About Star Wars: Into the Dark

I yelled a bit about The Light of the Jedi so now I guess it’s time to unleash all of my thoughts about the next book in the High Republic series.

I liked Into the Dark more than I liked LotJ, partially because I just really like Claudia Gray’s writing (writer of the most iconic scene in the new canon novels, in which Leia shows up to a party in her most Obviously Sinister outfit after the big public scandal about Vader being her father in Bloodline), but also because Charles Soule had to put a lot of energy into introducing the entire High Republic universe over the course of the first book, whereas CG could just get down to business. I also think the slightly pared-down number of characters and plotlines in ItD helped a lot: I spent a lot of LotJ not knowing which characters I should get invested in, because the first third of the book kept introducing characters and then immediately killing them off.

So let’s talk characters because DAMN they are delightful:

Reath Silas, You Fucking Nerd

No, really, the number of times I yelled “oh my god Reath you FUCKING NERD” out loud while reading this book was well into the double digits.

This precious city boy who just wants to read a book and be left alone, to the extent that they unofficially gave him his own desk in the Archives. Bless.

Also, just the sheer innocence of this child thinking that all the adults around him have everything figured out

But also: “I understand prosthetic arms are more advanced than prosthetic legs. More comfortable too.” and then CUTS OFF SOMEONE’S ARM (I had to edit this post like a week after the fact because I can’t believe I forgot about this scene)

The absolute lack of danger sense on this child, I stg... Meeting the scary genocidal plants? "OH MY GOD YOU'RE SENTIENT PLANTS CAN I ASK A FEW QUESTIONS?" Face to face with a Nihil soldier holding a blaster? "I REALLY WANT TO TALK PHILOSOPHY WITH YOU!" Having Cohmac dump a Massively Worrying Bit Of Heresy in his lap? "OH HELL YES, WE'RE GONNA TALK PHILOSOPHY, BEST DAY EVER!"

Speaking of Cohmac...

Cohmac Vitus, A Parade's Worth of Red Flags

Hoo boy...

This guy is the walking embodiment of Every Problem That Is Going To Bite The Jedi Order In The Ass When Anakin Skywalker Comes Along: trauma, repressed emotions, questions that Jedi dogma can't sufficiently answer, got an unexpected Padawan but can barely take care of himself... like, the only thing he's missing is a forbidden romance (Avar and Elzar seem to have that plotline covered, I think/hope...)

None of that is a criticism, by the way: I'm 100% over here with popcorn screaming "YES, FUCK THIS GUY UP"

Everything's going to hell and people are about to attack one another? FLOAT IN MIDAIR BECAUSE WHO'S GONNA MESS WITH THE GUY WHO CAN FUCKING FLY

Orla Jareni, Heading Off to the Jedi Order's Version of Hampshire College

Her plotline felt very much like something from SWTOR, but that might just be because I started playing the Jedi Consular storyline, like, yesterday?

I really liked her flashback plotline because, like with Cohmac, this was another example of "I really wish the Order had addressed this issue before Anakin came along..." Namely, that she spent the flashback mission trying to ignore her instincts in favor of what she was told, and it naturally led to a catastrophe. I got a lot of shades of "I keep having dreams about my mother dying! Eh, it's probably nothing..." so anyway, I spent a lot of Orla's plotline silently yelling.

Also THANK YOU CLAUDIA GRAY for this amazing new addition to canon: "Orla had recently declared herself a Wayseeker--a Jedi who would operate independently of the dictates of the Jedi Council. Some Jedi, from time to time, found themselves drawn to a period of solitary action, whether that meant meditation on a mountaintop, helping revolutionaries on a tyrant-ruled world, or even, in one legendary instance, becoming a minor singing sensation on Alderaan." I HAVE ABOUT HALF A DOZEN FIC IDEAS NOW, MOSTLY AROUND OBI-WAN BECOMING A TEEN HEARTTHROB POP IDOL.

Dez Rydan, the Cool Kid?

This guy gave me serious Ganner Rhysode vibes and so I was not in any way surprised when he got the absolute shit kicked out of him, because he basically had Doom written all over him. I was, however, surprised that he survived?

The Barash Vow was really interesting, and I was actually relieved that the Jedi Order had something close to rehabilitation, even if it was just "meditate a lot."

Leox Gyasi, aka "Master Yoda on (Medicinal) Spice"

There's a canonically asexual character in the GFFA!!!

Which would make him...

...wait for it...

...

...an ACE PILOT

(ducks)

Anyway, Leox is played by Tim Rozon-as-Doc-Holliday-in-Wynonna-Earp and you cannot take that mental casting away from me.

Affie Hollow, You Sweet Summer Child

Yeah, that about sums it up, though I love that she really did think she could change her Bird Mafia Mom.

I also really hope that this isn't the last we'll see of her.

She suffers through Reath's explanation of what Jedi are and then asks what is quickly becoming The Question of the High Republic series: "So do Jedi have sex or not?"

Geode: Stone Groot

I just want to say how ELATED I am that there was NO EXPLANATION for what Geode's deal was other than: he's a Vintian, from Vint rock person. That's it.

#star wars #star wars the high republic #the high republic #star wars spoilers #into the dark #star wars into the dark

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shouta-aizawow · 4 years

Note

1) Hope u are ok, i will let you this one here. Bakugou coming out as asexual-aromanitc, and having to explain to everyone what is it. (And if you want angst, people not believing him, that he's not grown enough to know, all that bullshit) Sorry is a little bit of proyection.

I’m doing well, thank you!!! And dw, I project HARDCORE and I also LOVE aroace Katsuki so it’s all good!! (i’m actually gonna project a bit in this one lol)

OKAY!!!

When the other kids were busy talking about crushes and who they were dating, Katsuki was focused on becoming a hero.

He had no time for romance, especially that sappy type he always sees on tv.

No, Katsuki was gonna become the greatest hero, and he would do that alone.

He never thought much of it. It didn’t seem unusual to him that he never had an interest in anyone else, that he couldn’t join in on conversations where the topic was romantic love or sexual attraction.

In fact, he felt smug when all the other extras were held down by girlfriends and boyfriends and datemates while he was forging on ahead. Seeing the confusion and awe on their faces when he told them that he had never been attracted to anyone was enough to erase the slight embarrassment he felt at not being able to relate to them.

Katsuki was invincible, unaffected by the curse that is romantic and sexual attraction, and he needs to let everybody know it.

(A few years later, at the tender age of 13, Katsuki finds he isn’t a superior being, he’s just aroace...

Well... okay then.)

He is aroace and still unaffected by the curse that is romantic and sexual attraction!

He didn’t really have friends to share his epiphany with, and the extras that followed him around were too dense to know what he was talking about to care. Besides, they’d probably just hear that he wasn’t attracted to girls and throw a fit.

Anyway, it’s not like he really wants to share this. No, this information is for Katsuki and Katsuki only.

But when he gets into UA, starts building a, admittedly reluctant at first, relationship with his classmates, the desire to tell them something he’s kept locked away grows.

It all comes to a head one night at the dorms. It’s a rare night of him hanging out in the common room with most of his other classmates.

Katsuki doesn’t know how the conversation steers this way, but the topic is now crushes. Some people are coming out, some people are just observing. Katsuki is becoming bored, and just as he gets up to leave, he’s noticed and asked, “Who do you have a crush on?”

He’s tempted to ignore the question, but surrounded by this open group of people that showed their support whenever someone revealed themself to be gay or bisexual or pan, he has the urge to let them know this part of him as well.

So he replies. “I don’t have one.”

“So who did you have a crush on?”

“Never had one either, Earjacks.”

Everyone becomes interested now.

Jirou looks skeptical, “It’s not weak to have a crush, yknow. If you don’t wanna tell us, fine, but to lie—”

“I ain’t lying, I’m aroace.”

There’s silent confusion, and Katsuki’s heartbeat thunders in his chest.

Someone asks what that is and, huffing, Katsuki tells them, “It means I don’t experience romantic, aro, or sexual, ace, attraction.”

They ignore his muttered “dumbasses” in favor of questioning him with a “You don’t, or you haven’t?”

“I just said I don’t. What are you on about?”

Kaminari then decides to speak up. “Dude, just give it time! You don’t know who you’re gonna meet that’ll knock you right off those stubborn feet of yours.” And he punctuates it with a wink.

Katsuki is getting annoyed.

“Okay, whatever. If that happens, that happens, but right now, it hasn’t. Therefore, I’m choosing the label aroace.”

Momo, with a finger on her chin and a contemplative expression on her face decides to voice, “But aren’t you acting a little hasty, Bakugou-kun? You shouldn’t use such a definitive label when you’re so young.”

Some people are voicing their agreement, and Katsuki feels like screaming, but he’s too busy being frozen in shock, looking at Momo with with the most incredulous look he could muster.

“What the actual fuck? How is me calling myself aroace any more ‘definitive’ than y’all calling yourself gay?” He can’t help the crack in his voice as he continues, “I’m genuinely confused.”

Before they could reply, Katsuki asks his own question with the most deadpan look he could offer:

“Do you ever wanna date a cat?”

There are exclamations of “No” and looks of bewilderment, but Katsuki continues, crossing his arms.

“Well I don’t think you should act so certain. I mean, maybe you haven’t met the right cat, yet.”

They’re telling him that that’s different, shouldn’t be used as an argument.

But then Kirishima perks up, and Katsuki feels dread consume him.

“Love, or don’t love I guess, who you... don’t... love, bro!”

And Katsuki feels hope bloom in his chest.

Only to have it crushed with his best friend’s next words.

“But we’re just trying to help you! We don’t want you to feel like you’re moving too fa—“

“Not only did I not ask for any help, but how is any of this helping me?!” Katsuki throws his arms in the air. “I came out to you guys, something we’ve been doing all evening, and you have the audacity to tell me I’m wrong?!”

He’s pacing now.

“Why the hell are you acting like I’m signing a death wish with my identity! You guys are the biggest fucking hypocrites, holy hell.”

Katsuki shakes his head and storms off, unwilling to be in that toxic situation any longer.

The next few days are met with guilt-ridden eyes from his classmates and the cold shoulder from him.

They don’t try to approach him, and for that, Katsuki is grateful, because he doesn’t know what he’d do if the people that rejected who he is tried to act like they did nothing wrong.

Yeah, maybe they weren’t being malicious, maybe it was just ignorance, but Katsuki is by no means obligated to forgive nor teach them. Until they pull their heads out of their asses and realize there’s a plus after LGBTQ for a reason, he’s perfectly fine with the distance.

OKAY SO TWO ENDINGS

1) The class that was there does their research and apologizes and are forgiven and whatnot (happy ending)

2) The class doesn’t do their research and just assumes that Katsuki doesn’t want to have sex or kiss anyone. They apologize, but the relationship is still tense with their ignorant comments and jokes. Katsuki is still hurt, especially when they start dating each other or other students, and he’s left to be the only one that values a strong friendship over romance. He feels left behind. (Angsty ending)

OR WAIT!!! ANOTHER ENDING!!!

3) The class doesn’t apologize or do their research, because they think Katsuki was making a big deal out of nothing. After those few weeks of the silent treatment, they try to approach him and act like everything is great.

Katsuki is angry and hurt, but eventually he finds comfort and very close friendships with Todoroki, Tokoyami, Shinsou, and Shoji. Not all of them are aroace, but they’re on the spectrum for one or both (bittersweet ending)

IM DONE!!! This honestly didn’t go the way I was thinking it would go, but I ain’t upset so it’s all good.

So ofc I projected with the being annoyed when people act like my sexuality isn’t a real thing (which is lots of ppl online and the classmates I told when they asked)

Also, that part about telling people that you’ve never had a crush and being smug when they’re like :0? Yeah, I used to do that until I was 13 when my older sib was like “yeah, you’re aroace” and I was like :0 “i saw that term in one fanfiction years back but i genuinely didn’t think abt it when i looked up to see what ‘ace’ meant but it fits perfectly”

So anyway, my sib also told me that what I was is Agender (which I knew abt but thought “that’s not me,,, right?” wrong) and I realized when they asked me if they could tell their friend my gender identity. I was confused like sure?? and then they said i was agender and their friend asked for my pronouns and i said i didn’t care

like,, i thought i was nb, but i wasn’t sure exactly what “type”(?) idk, but after that, i looked at the definition for agender that i didn’t understand before and was like :0 yep that’s me

ANYWAY YOU PROBABLY DIDNT WANT ALL OF THAT PERSONAL MUMBO JUMBO BUT THIS HC RELATES TO ME A LOT SO

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS 💖💗💕💞💝

#wow! asks!#bnha #boku no hero academia #mha #my hero academia #bakugou katsuki #bakugo katsuki #bakugou #aroace #aromantism #asexual #tw aphobia #but it’s due to ignorance #bakugou headcanons #bnha headcanons

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infinite-beginnings · 3 years

Text

Happy Asexual Awareness Week!

I wanted to take some time to share my personal Ace story and how I took the long and slow and confusing and sometimes scary journey to realizing I was Asexual.

I probably would’ve been able to identify myself as asexual all the way back in middle school, that is, if I had known what it was. Unfortunately, I didn’t learn the term until many many years, and several failed dating attempts later. In fact, I didn’t start identifying as an Asexual until I was 22 and out of college.

That is why I am writing this. It is not because I am an expert on Asexuality or because I have all of the answers. Because trust me, it’s five years later and I am still figuring this whole thing out. This is my personal story and everyone’s experience is different but I am writing this because I hope that if I share my experiences, some beautiful person somewhere will read it and think “huh, that’s sort of how I feel,” and that will be the missing puzzle piece they need to figure out their sexuality.

If anyone knows me, you know that I tend to write A LOT, so this is ridiculously long and if you choose to read the whole thing, you have my great admiration.

Let me tell you a little bit about my journey from a straight woman to a biromantic asexual.

Let’s start back in middle school and high school. I can sum up my love life in one word: Nonexistent. I remember feeling left out when my more boy crazy friends talked about their crushes. I for one, had a severe lack of crushes. There were boys I thought were cute and nice, but I couldn’t relate to the intensity of the feelings of my friends.

Looking back, I think I forced myself into having crushes. I would be talking to a male friend who I thought was cute and wonder if this was a crush. Then, my friends would all tell me that we looked good together and I would admit that I thought that I liked them and we would all squeal over the possibility.

Of course, nothing ever happened. I used to blame it on my shyness and awkwardness, and while that might still be a part of it, I think the bigger reason that I never acted on any of my “crushes” was because I simply didn’t want to. I enjoyed being friends with these boys and that was good enough for me. I remember thinking repeatedly that I wouldn’t have wanted to date a boy because I hadn’t acted soon enough and now we were too good of friends to ruin.

Fast forward to sophomore year of high school. I was running a retreat through my church and we were playing a game to get to know the leaders. One of the questions asked us to describe the worst date we’d been on. I was last in line, so I sat there and listened to the other peer leaders describing their dates. As time went on I grew more and more uncomfortable. I excused myself to go to the bathroom before it was my turn to speak. Once there, I cried my eyes out.

Now, it may not seem like that big of a deal, a sophomore who hadn’t even been on a single date yet. But it was the first moment where I really felt like something was broken inside of me. I felt so disconnected from the stories the others were telling and I didn’t know why. I had no idea why I didn’t have the same experience as everyone else in the room. It hadn’t really occurred to me that I was missing out on anything until that moment.

I didn’t know what a panic attack was back then either, but looking back, I’m pretty sure I was having one. Eventually, one of the other peer leaders found me and helped to calm me down. She assured me that it didn’t matter one bit that I hadn’t been on a date yet. I accepted her reassurances, but I couldn’t tell her how empty I was really feeling.

Fast forward again to my senior year. This is when I think I had my first honest to god crush. We met at a summer camp and were friends for a couple years before things started to get more intense between us.

The summer after my senior year we spent a couple weeks together at this camp. One night we snuck out together and stayed up talking for hours. That’s all we did, talk. To this day, there are still people who think that there is no way that all we did was talk...but anyways. He was a sweet boy and I loved spending time with him. Sitting and talking for hours on end felt right to me.

A couple days later, I remember this boy telling me that he had really wanted to kiss me that night.

I honestly cannot remember what my response was, but it was probably awkward and not at all what he was looking for. I was so shocked and had no idea how to respond. After the week ended we were texting and he told me that him saying he wanted to kiss me was his way of telling me that he liked me. This I was better equipped to deal with. I told him that I liked him back, because I honestly did. He would hold my hand and it would make butterflies erupt in my stomach.

A lot of boring and awkward teenage flirting later, we ended up kissing on my front porch. My first kiss. And I froze. I literally did not move a muscle. I chalked it up to first kiss nerves.

I remember afterwards I went inside and leaned against the front door and smiled like girls do in cheesy romance movies. I was happy and glad that I had finally experienced my first kiss, but I wasn’t as happy as I thought I was supposed to be. Again there was this weird disconnect that I couldn’t explain. I was glad to have gotten my first kiss, but there were no emotions deeper than that.

I tried talking to one of my more experienced friends about it and he just told me that the first couple kisses were always awkward and I just had to give it a couple more chances.

So I did. My freshman year of college, whenever I was home I would see this boy and the nights frequently ended in kisses.

Now, I really liked this boy. We talked all the time and I felt comfortable talking about pretty much everything with him. So I really wanted this to work. And I could tell he liked the kissing, so I kept trying.

But in the end I came to the conclusion that I didn’t enjoy it. I would find myself in the middle of what should’ve been a steamy make out session feeling bored. I would wonder how much longer the kiss would go on.

I didn’t understand it, because I loved cuddling with this boy and the little physical touches of affection would give me goosebumps, but I did not enjoy the kissing.

Eventually what we had fizzled and we went back to being just friends. And I tried to rationalize my feelings by thinking that him and I just didn’t have chemistry or that I didn’t know how to kiss correctly so it felt wrong.

I had no idea what to do with these feelings, so I just pushed them aside.

I didn’t date at all through college.

I told myself that it was because I didn’t go out and party and that was how people seemed to meet each other. Truth is, the whole hook-up culture really freaked me out. I don’t judge people who participate in it, but I just couldn’t even in a million years think of doing something like that. It made me uncomfortable to think about, so I stayed away.

Then, my senior year of college I read a post on tumblr that changed my life. It was a post about Sam Winchester from Supernatural and it called him a demi-sexual. This piqued my interest so I read more about it. I learned that this was a term for people who could only feel sexual attraction to people who they had developed a close emotional connection with.

That sounded like me. It explained why the college hook-up life was not appealing to me and why I had trouble dating. By the time I felt close with someone, they were my friend and I was “stuck in the friendzone”. I figured my main problem was that I didn’t know how to get that close to the guy I was trying to date.

After college, my sister convinced me to try a dating website. I was dubious about it, but I did it and managed to find a couple really sweet guys. One of them I actually dated for an extended period of time.

I still thought I was demi-sexual at this point, so I told him I wanted to take things slow. And we did, and he was very respectful about it. Eventually we got to the point where he asked if he could kiss me and I said yes.

So we kissed. And the only thing I can remember is disappointment. I was disappointed because this kiss didn’t feel any different than my other ones.

The next day, this boy texted me that he’d been thinking about our kiss and couldn’t wait to do it again. This was a tipping point for me. As sad as it made me, I knew I had to break up with him. He obviously felt a lot more intensely towards me than I did him and I didn’t want to lead him on. The truth was, the only thing I’d thought about since our kiss was how I might be able to avoid kissing him again soon. It was only fair that I broke things off with him before they got any more intense.

Plus, I had to figure out what the heck was going on with me. Demisexuality was close, but it didn’t seem to be a perfect fit.

So I went back to the internet and tumblr and I finally found out about asexuality. At first I really tried to talk myself out of identifying as an asexual because it sounded a little scary. Sex is just an important part of our culture and dating life. How was I supposed to navigating dating if I didn’t want to have sex or maybe even kiss? Was that really who I was or was the problem that I hadn’t just found the right person yet? I read every article I could find, but honestly they weren’t much help.

The problem is that asexuality is such an umbrella term. In simple terms, Asexuality can be defined as a lack of sexual attraction. But that being said, I read that there were some asexuals who still felt sexual attraction and some asexuals who enjoyed having sex. There were other asexuals who were sex-repulsed. The list goes on and on. There are dozens of different unique terms within asexuality and honestly, it’s all kind of overwhelming.

I just wanted to know if I was asexual or not. I wanted to be able to take a test or check off a list or something, but it’s not that simple.

I anonymously reached out to a few asexual tumblrs and told them my story. They all responded in similar ways. They said that it sounded like I could be asexual, but ultimately, only I could really make that decision.

I let this stew for a few months. I went back and forth. Sometimes I tried talking myself into asexuality and sometimes I was talking myself out.

Eventually, I decided that the asexual umbrella was big enough to cover me. The more I thought about my life, the more things seemed to make sense through an asexual lens.

The way I used to read the Nora Roberts books that my older cousin smuggled me. I would often skip over all of the sex scenes, not because they made me uncomfortable, but because they bored me. I was much more intrigued in the story.

How I never really enjoyed watching sex scenes in movies.

How I cringed at the smacking sound that kisses made both in movies and in real life.

How much I hated reading fanfiction that was smut and couldn’t even properly write two characters kissing.

Everything that used to make me feel out of place and different from my friends could be explained by the fact that I was asexual.

I have not tried dating since I figured out that I was asexual. The already daunting dating world gets a lot more scary when you remove the sexual aspect.

I know I am not aromantic, because I really want a partner to go on dates with. Who I can cuddle with and hold hands and share secrets with. I yearn to find someone to share my life with. I really want the romance part that comes with dating. It’s just hard to find someone who wants to do those things but is okay with not kissing or having sex.

I haven’t quite figured out how to navigate that one yet (like I said, still figuring stuff out). I do know that identifying as Ace made me feel a lot more comfortable with who I was. I no longer tried to explain away my lack of sexual feelings. I no longer feel like something is wrong with me because I don’t want to kiss a pretty boy who’s into me.

Now, I’m sure some of you picked up on the biromantic thing and are wondering why I have only been talking about boys. That is because I thought I was straight. My lack of sexual attraction was disguising my love for women and everyone else. When I told my sister I was Asexual she asked if that meant I could like women if I wasn’t interested in sex.

I told her that Ace people could still be Pan or Bi or heteroromatic when it came to who they found appealing, but her question made me start to think about whether I really only liked boys or not. Now, I think I definitely gravitate more towards men. Most of the characters in shows I find myself obsessing over are men. But that being said I can definitely think of times where I was into a girl. I would think of how attractive a woman was and be fascinated by her. I just thought my appreciation of her stemmed from either friendship or jealousy.

This is all slightly hypothetical since I haven’t actually tried dating a woman, but when I picture it in my head, it feels just as comfortable to imagine being in a relationship with a woman as it does with a man. Because of this, I choose to identify as biromantic. At the end of the day, labels should make us feel comfortable with what we are and they are not set in stone.

Maybe someday I’ll date a woman and decide it’s actually not for me. If that happens I can drop the Biromantic part. If you take anything out of this very long story, it’s that you should identify with whatever makes you feel comfortable.

If you are questioning whether or not you are asexual, try sitting with it for a while. See if identifying as Ace feels like it fits with you. If it doesn’t, keep searching. There’s no perfect answer and labels are not perfect and are not necessary. Labels simply help us form a community of people who feel similarly to us.

Since I’ve started to identify as asexual I’ve told my closest friends and my family. For the most part I’ve received unconditional support and a few of them told me that they were not at all surprised to find out I was Ace.

I’ve also experienced my brother telling me that maybe my lack of sexual feelings stemmed from confidence issues and maybe if I lost some weight I would feel more comfortable in my body and feel comfortable having sex. I’ve also experienced my mother telling me not to worry about labeling myself because I didn’t want to limit my options. She then proceeded to pretend that we’d never had that conversation at all.

Coming out as asexual can be a little bit complicated because of the lack of knowledge surrounding asexuality. I find myself often having to explain what asexuality is along with telling them that I am ace. It adds a bit of chaos to an already scary process.

Here is my humble advice to anyone considering coming out to your friends or family. Educate yourself on asexuality. I will include some of the resources I turned to at the end of this. Try to have answers to give them about it. Be strong. You know your feelings and your mind. Tell them honestly how you feel. Answer all of their questions up until the point you are comfortable with. If you are not comfortable talking about your feeling surrounding sex or anything like that, simply tell them that.

I’ve had some friends ask me some pretty personal questions surrounding my asexualtiy. For me personally, I encouraged it, because I was trying to educate them and help them know how I felt. But for you, you might want to set boundaries about what you are and are not comfortable with.

To all of my Ace people out there, happy Asexual Awareness Week! You are valid, you are loved, you are perfect, and you are whole.

I am always here to talk if anyone has questions, stories, concerns, or just looking for a sympathetic ear!

Here are some websites and tumblrs I turned to while looking for information on Asexuality! This list is by no means excusive or the best one around, it’s simply what I used!

https://www.thetrevorproject.org/trvr_support_center/asexual/

https://www.asexuality.org/

https://www.healthline.com/health/what-is-asexual

@fuckyeahasexual @perksofbeingace @thehumorousace @asexualadvice @asexual-society @life-of-an-asexual @asexualawarenessweek

#if you read this whole thing i love you and don't deserve you #asexual #asexuality #ace #aaw #asexual awareness week #trinatalks

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nny11writes · 4 years

Note

For the fic writer ask game: What’s a trope that you’d like to never hear about as long as you live, let alone write? (Feel free to rant :) )

Hahahaha, sorry were you looking for one trope?

I’m usually so positive so now you’ve done it. You’ve unlocked me complaining about random shit that doesn’t usually matter. Because the damn busted wide the fuck open! Okay, so I’m going to approach this as outside of smut fics with intense kinks I can’t stand (vore, foot fetish, scat play, etc), because that’s me getting squicked and/or triggered and not just tropes that I wish would die in a fire.

My only disclaimer up front is that if you love most of these (hopefully it’ll be obvious which ones I will not forgive/excuse you from), that’s awesome! Go for it! Read it, write it, print it out to loving re-read and paste on the walls! Fandom is, in large part, about finding your niche and enjoying what you enjoy pretty much shamelessly. So I’m not passing judgement on anyone who enjoys reading or writing (most of) these.

CW: rape, sexual assault Also I’ve had a shit few days, so if you don’t want to read someone just being negative and bitching this is probably not the post for you friend. But it all below a cut so people can avoid!

Crossover Fics/Rule 50

My main gripe with this is that without fail a series I love get crossed over with a fandom I either don’t care about or hate. Every time I’ve tried to force myself to read one it’s never worked out for me. Sometimes fics aren’t properly tagged and I’m getting into the setting only for other characters from another fandom to suddenly show up and literally I instantly loose interest. The closest I got to writing a crossover fic, was on FF.net where I had all the characters I wrote for “talking to me” when I hit a big wall of writer’s block in the hopes that writing something so different and strange for me would help. It didn’t. It was interesting for 0.2 seconds to wonder how characters would interact, but then I instantly lost interest because I end up leaning so heavily of character tropes to make it work which, for me, isn’t fun to read or write.

Like, just write fusion! I like fusion! I’m currently writing a SPOP-SW fusion! It allows me to play with characters in a fun world that I already understand, but without the frustration of characters becoming more 2D or very OOC (or both) to force them to interact with one another. Rage Fics

Honestly? If you write and post rage fics, fuck you. Full stop. Fuck you.

I’m about to tangent, but I swear it’s related. This is the equivalent of someone tagging a character or ship or fandom they hate in a post bashing them or blasting them to hell and back. Fucking beyond rude and obnoxious. That’s what rage fics are cranked up to 11. You are 100% allowed to hate on fandom/character/ship/trope/whatever the fuck, but when you do that shit you are forcing people who enjoy the media to see/interact with your BS because you fucking tagged it to show up where we are. A great example here in SPOP is Catra. I love her! I understand why some people don’t, and they’re 100% allowed to hate her and resent that so many people like her. Recently I went to the Catra tag to find art and fic, maybe some of the top notch meta this fandom puts out if I was lucky, and got stuck seeing post after post after meta post comparing her to another character in the show to explain why she’s an awful person, badly written character, and anyone who likes her (but didn’t like the poster’s fave) was an idiot/asshole/troll/bitch/dumbass and you know what? I went from having a decent time decompressing after a shitty day at work to getting fucking sent around the sun with stress. Like, bro, I’m here to ENJOY myself thanks, and when you tag things I go to for fun and fluff when I’m out of spoons and ready to snap to ranting about hating it, you make me want to scream.

Y’all don’t know how many people are lucky that I write up responses in word so I can get it out of my system and then just DELETE the whole fucking thing. Rage fic is that same fucking set up, but instead of being a relatively quick post (where I can block the poster here on tumblr), it’s a fanfic that people are going to continue to click into over and over and over again for fun only to get body slammed. There’s no way to warn people on AO3 if something is a rage fic beyond not leaving a kudos and dropping a comment. I don’t know a lot of people who read comments first so it doesn’t always work.

If you post rage fics, grow up. Stop that shit. Fuck you. Instead, try not purposefully interacting with fandom that makes you so mad that you think doing this is an appropriate reaction. Block tags, block users, regulate comments, go whole fucking hog. You should be able to enjoy fandom too! But if you can’t do that without tearing down other people in fandom then you make me want to beat you over the head until you self-isolate to play by yourself in a different sandbox. Seriously. Fuck you if you do this.

Troll Fics

Did you think I came on strong for rage fics? This is worse.

If you do this? Fuck you. You get NOTHING but my pure rage and if I find this shit I will report you however I can and then shout from the rooftops about it. And I’m sure if you do write troll fics because you enjoy being purposefully offensive and triggering then you’re probably delighted that my reaction to just thinking about this is wishing I had the power to fuck up your life.

Like, the ONLY thing I can say for rage fic is that at least typically the person writing it actually enjoys some aspect of the fandom or fandom in general.

Troll fics are just meant to be offensive on purpose and if you write and post that you’re a bad person. No exceptions. You can make different choices and work to become a better person or a good person, but right now, right this second as you do it? You’re a bad person. You should probably figure out why you get so much joy out of posting things with the sole purpose of hurting/triggering/being cruel to others. And you might need help to do that. I legit think you should reach out to people with different opinions from your own to try and break out of it. Get a therapist. Do fucking something worthwhile, because posting troll fics is not worth anyone’s while. Fuck you. Rape as a Backstory

I hope I don’t have to fucking explain why this makes me want to literally explode. I’m purposefully not writing that as R*pe so that people with rape tagged don’t see this.

If you think that rape is the only way to push your story forward or is a great way to give a character “free and easy trauma”, literally stop. Just. Fucking. Stop. There are other ways. Really look at your work, really think about /why/ it’s so important to you that the character /has/ to be raped. Most of the time the real answer is you don’t have a reason you just chose it because you either don’t care, think it’s not a big deal, or never considered other possibilities. There are stories where rape does need to be included, stories that address the topic kindly and/or tag appropriately for it. I’ve read some of these that were really amazing, both short (<1k) and long (>100k) because the author actually took a hot second to address the topic in an intelligent way. Whether that was to dive into how it’s harmful, address their own trauma, or (honestly) even for the smut porn of it but with all the proper tags on it. If you have it to be purely enjoyed by yourself and/or others with dubcon or noncon kinks, cool, good for you, TAG IT APPROPRIATELY. Fucking bless writers who still use “Dead Dove/Do Not Eat” tags y’all are doing great work. But the vast majority using this trope?

They aren’t that, they aren’t anything like that at all, they aren’t always tagged correctly or at all and that’s by design, it’s often for shock value or a quick ‘well that’s why they’re anti-social’, it’s sometimes used as an excuse for one character to swear off sex until the “right person” comes along to “cure them”, and they shouldn’t have ever been posted.

Redemption Equals Sex/Sexual Karma

I know this is spring boarding a bit, but please stop writing these two tropes.

I’m exhausted y’all. And not just because I’m asexual. This trope is disgusting and usually comes with heaps of sexism, racism, and homophobia. If you want to write smut please just write the fucking smut. I’m literally posting smut fic and am planning to work on another one tonight! JUST WRITE SMUT WITHOUT MAKING IT DISGUSTINGLY ANTI-MINORITY GROUPS AND PLAYING INTO HARMFUL STEREOTYPES. If bad guys become good(ish) guys because a woman saw past their barriers, took care of them, are a surrogate mother, and then had wild and kinky sex with them then it’s a bad fic. Likewise, if a character is punished for having sex, or is sexually assaulted to show that they’re now bad then it’s a bad fic.

If a character’s suffering is rewarded with sex to “cure” them and “make them better” then it’s a bad fic.

There are so many ways that this shit becomes a seriously harmful fic.

Please. Please, stop doing this. I am on my knees. Stop!

I am sick of ‘Draco’s in Leather Pants’ (can’t fucking believe I’m whipping that term out again holy shit what year is it) getting redeemed because they slept with someone and now found a reason to care. Sex leading someone on the path towards redemption is so EXTREMELY rarely handled in a way that’s well done. Just. Don’t. Be an unapologetic villain lover, slap them in an AU where they aren’t a pure villain, but don’t do this. Like I wrote above, I’m also just sick of (usually, but not always) dudes who put rape in to punish (usually, but not always) female characters or to punish weak/pushover characters (usually, but not always males). And equally tired of traumatized characters “casting off their shackles” to enjoy wild and kinky sex because someone with a magic dick/strap/fingers/tongue “showed them it’s okay” and “made it all better”.

Just, don’t. Be a fucking decent human being and don’t.

Character/Reader Fics

I...I really just don’t get this? It’s very uncomfortable to me and I’m assuming that’s due to me being aroace, I can’t read them and if I try to I either become so uncomfortable I stop or so rage filled I stop.

I don’t mind 2nd person stories, but most of the ones I see are character/reader fics and it’s...like, it’s just bad. Not “cringe” just enjoyable for me. I can’t explain why I hate this so much considering I do enjoy some 2nd person fics. Idk, I really don’t have the words to explain why these bother me so much. :\

I ain’t got an alternative, if you like these you like them, and if you don’t you just don’t. Thank you for tagging so I can avoid. Have fun on your own! Song Fics and/or Audio/Sound Cue Fics

Sorry guys, I just hate it. I can’t really read a fic and listen to music at the same time, it becomes background noise 100% and detracts from both for audio cue fics.

Fuck, just realized I don’t know if people know what those are. Audio/Sound cue fics are fics where you’re reading along and all the sudden there’s a link or URL that you’re supposed to follow to help set up the next scene/enhance it. Hate it. Hate, hate, hate. It detracts from your story and makes it weaker while being annoying and breaking me the reader out of my enjoyment of your story. Hate! Telling me in the A/N that this (or these) are the song(s) you listened to while writing, song(s) you based the story on, or even that you think they’re good songs to get you in the mood for the story is totally okay! I’ll probably ignore it unless I went head over heels for it, in which case I WILL go back and listen to all of them. (Why hello Rhythm and Blues, you punched me in the face and I now listen to every song even vaguely mentioned in the story or A/N, you’re that good, it’s so fucking good guys, I can’t stop talking about this fucking series it’s just so good?????????) Song fics are also typically in this boat for me. And I want to be really clear, not fics where a character is singing in the fic with lyrics written out. That doesn’t bother me, that song is now effectively part of the story and draws me in. But if it’s paragraphs of description before suddenly cutting it’s annoying. Why, oh why, do I put up with this misery? Still looking for a reason For now it is a mystery to me Why, oh why, do I put up with this misery? Still looking for a reason But for now it's ancient history to me

So yeah I’m making an example to complain about the example.

But question.

Was that needed?

All I did was make overly explicit my feelings in this text that was already there in what I’d written. Song fics feel to me like writers who aren’t confident that their writing is good/understandable/relatable and so they are desperately throwing someone else’s creation into their own in the hopes the reader will get it. Friend, I promise you, we’ll get it without the song! The song lyrics detract when they’re just floating out there, and have taken goods fics and made them frustrating. Either that or you think you’re so amazing that your shit don’t stink and the rest of us idiots can choke because of your brilliance. I’ve found several song fics that if I copy and paste them into a word document and delete the song out, I really enjoyed the fic itself on it’s own merits in a way I literally couldn’t with the lyrics in there. Again, if you are weaving music into your fic, weave it in. Have characters sing, write the lyrics out as a character is listening to the music, quote the song in your fic (preferably without it being super obvious. I’m not saying my take on that was the best, but I did write a Catradora fic on giftly request based on a song and I 100% used lyrics from it in my prose and built my whole plot around it without breaking out to quote the song explicitly), just do something that’s not, like, punching me in the face because “clearly I couldn’t get it” or from a fear that “they won’t understand”. At best you seem insecure and unsure about your story, which is fantastic without the song. At worst it seems like you’re saying your fic is so beyond the average reader that we would never understand your vision without someone else’s original content in it.

#cw: rape #tw: rape #negativity #fandom #fandom negativity #me actually complaining about shit explicitly #and I still edited it a lot to make it not rage ranty #my anxiety won't let me live if I don't #about the author #tag game #writing game #writer game #fic game #fanfiction game #oh my god Imma post now otherwise I'm going to dive back in and scream A LOT MORE BECAUSE MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM #bobkitten

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imaginebeatles · 4 years

Note

hey, I hope this isn't too personal that it makes uncomfortable,but I'm kind of starting to learn about my sexuality and knowing that you're asexual I was just wondering how you figured it out, u know that ur asexual, and this might be the stupidest/longest question you've aver got but like if you fell in love with someone does things change and how did you deal with it?

No! It doesn’t make me uncomfortable at all. I know how tough it can be trying to figure things out and having someone tell about their own experiences can really help. This answer may end up being a little rambly (figuring stuff out was confusing for me and took years). This answer is long, so I hope it’ll help you.

If you have any questions, message me. I don’t mind talking about it :)

Basically, I never really questioned my sexuality at first. I grew up in a very open-minded household (my mum’s bisexual herself) and I always figured that I’d fall in love with whoever I fell in love with. If it was a girl, then it was a girl. If it was a guy, it was a guy. I never really experienced sexual feelings towards anyone, but I did like the idea of romance and intimacy (still do) so I figured it would come later when I met the right person. Sex was always taught to me by my parents and school as a natural thing that everyone will engage in and that you’ll start feeling those desires when you’re older. For me, I thought sex was weird (the idea of actually doing it or people actually having done it kinda seemed very weird to me), but it still interested me and I liked reading smut fics and having private me time ;)

When I had my first serious crush at 16/17 however, things got... complicated. He was a friend of mine from school and we began hanging out more during a school trip to America, at which point I began to slowly realise I kinda fancied him. However, even though I wanted to hang out with him and be with him and touch him (hold hands, etc.) and kiss him, I never thought about him in a sexual way (I tried once but had to stop after five seconds because... no). At that point, I had started to learn more about lgbt+ stuff (although my country is accepting, they can do a lot better in terms of education. basically all our sex ed was about heterosexual sex with one a few lose comments along the lines of “sometimes girls like girls and guys like guys” but nothing more in depth than that. The joke was mainly that you didn’t have to worry about getting pregnant.)

Nothing ever happened between me and the guy (we went on a double date once and flirted a little, but we were both too shy to do anything, and right now I’m kinda glad, seeing as I didn’t know I was asexual yet and having a romantic relationship would have made that whole thing so much more difficult), but it got me to question my sexuality, especially because I realised that even though I liked girls and thought they were beautiful and had strange feelings sometimes, I never wanted to have sex with them, but neither did I want to have sex with guys, making me question if I was bi again (which I am) (also, at this point, people kinda started thinking I was gay (friends and family), so that got me thinking too).

At this point, I knew about the asexual label, but I didn’t fully understand it (there was a lot of ace discourse happening back then, which didn’t help at all with making me feel like I was experiencing a normal thing). Having always been taught sex=love=sex, I thought that if you were ace you couldn’t have a relationship with anyone and would never be able to love anyone. I really did not want to be asexual, not wanting to die alone. Now, I know this is, of course, complete bullshit, but I was still figuring stuff out. I did find the gray ace label at that point, which offered me a bit more freedom, so I adopted that privately when I started university two years later, though I never came out to anyone.

At uni I came into contact with other lgbt+ people and we had a lot more academic discussions about gender and sexuality too, which made me question a lot of stuff again. I did more research on both gray ace and asexuality, and got more confident with the gray-ace label. On a holiday to London with one of my closest friends, I came out to them, and we talked and while she didn’t understand it, it did help me think about it more. That was the summer before my third year of university, which I would spend abroad in Edinburgh. Before leaving, I did more research on asexuality and got a more thorough understanding, and finally realised that maybe asexual described me better, so I adopted that label for my exchange year. There, I also didn’t come out, but I did more research and used the label privately for myself for half a year, before I finally came out to @chut-je-dors when I was certain it fitted me. I talked with her about asexuality and she kinda understood. That’s when I fully realised and accepted I was asexual.

Coming home that summer, I told my mum, who started to learn more about it too and then my step-dad. Then, last spring I accepted I was bi too, and that’s kinda where I’m at right now. I’m “out” in the sense that if anyone were to ask about my love life or sexuality, I would tell them, but because I’m generally quite private, I haven’t really told anyone else yet.

I’m sorry if this was rambly and i don’t know if any of what I told you will help in anyway, but basically, for me, it was a relatively long journey. I was lucky to grow up in an accepting environment, but still the lack of information and the negativity around asexuality really did not help me accept myself. I still struggle with it sometimes, but now I do like being asexual. I wouldn’t want to change it. It’s just who I am and I don’t miss it.

I did a lot of research on the internet (AVEN is a great resource, as well as youtube videos), and talked about it with people who I could trust, even if they didn’t know anything about asexuality themselves. But yeah, I really didn’t know I was asexual until I was 21 and even then, I didn’t fully accept myself completely until quite recently at 22/23. University was especially a struggle at times, because of certain courses I took where this kinda stuff around my sexuality came up, but it forced me to really look within myself and analyse myself and listen to what exactly i wanted, both in a relationship and sexually.

The important thing to keep in mind is that asexuality is a broad umbrella term and everyone’s experiences are different. People’s attitudes to sex are different, as well as if they still want a romantic relationship (I do, though I only experience romantic feelings for someone I have an emotional connection with) or not. Also, some things that you may be taught are sexual, aren’t necessarily that. I’m a very sensual person when it comes to romantic relationships and I love intimacy and closeness and touching, but actual sex is a big no for me (though I’m open for negotiations, as I may have forms of sex to satisfy my partner and for closeness with them, but it’s about intimacy, not sex. I can get it through other ways too). This means that my experience of sex is different from others, even if the act itself is similar. Lots of ace people also have kinks for example, but it’s about emotional trust and connection (or something else), rather than sex itself.

In terms of romantic relationships... I’ve only ever really wanted to date one guy and I didn’t. However, being in love didn’t change anything for me. I still liked him romantically, and I still see people who I fancy romantically or sensually or aesthetically. It’s just that I don’t want to have sex with them. However, as I’m quite neutral about sex, I’d be able to negotiate something with my partner if they want, but this depends on the partner as well as personal boundaries, which differ from person to person. Also, I didn’t really feel like dating anyone until last summer, because that’s when I figured out what kind of relationship I want. Now that I know who I am and what I want, i’m more comfortable putting myself out there and getting a romantic partner.

Asexuality can be rather frustrating when it comes to dating, however. It makes it a bit more complicated, because you have to be sure you’re compatible in bed as well. That doesn’t mean you can only date ace people when you’re ace, but it requires good communication. However, anyone should probably have good communication with their partners, so to a certain degree, I’d say it’s better because it forced you to do this. The important thing is to know what you want and what your boundaries are. But really, in terms of feelings towards another person, it’s not that different. I just don’t want to have sex with them, but I still want to be with them and do all the other stuff couples do. Sex is not a requirement for a good and healthy relationship :)

Aside from this, I had some very ace moments of walking with my friends in the streets and not noticing cute guys, because it’s not what I’m thinking about, or feeling weird when people bring up their crushes or sex life, because it seems so foreign and strange. Sometimes the idea that people actually have sex is still a bit weird to me. I just don’t have that desire with other people.

Anyway, I hope this someone helped you, at least a little bit. If you wanna talk more, please don’t be afraid to message me. Figuring out your sexuality can be lonely and I sure wish I had someone to talk about it back when I was first questioning myself. Just take your time and don’t worry too much. Stuff will make sense eventually.

#asexuality #personal #answered

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aegon · 4 years

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Aly help me cause I feel like shit. So yesterday I went to a club, got really drunk and had my first kiss by some white guy I don’t even remember the name of. They were actually three kisses; one he gave me without warning, another one I gave him because I hated the first one and wanted to try another one to see if I liked it better, and then another he gave me just cause. I feel so grossed out and used. Like I always wanted my first kiss to be something special or at least nice. (Cont)

2) Like I didn’t think much about it, and I kinda feel I might be asexual because I don’t feel that kind of attraction towards people, but still I didn’t know I would feel so grossed out by a kiss, I never felt uncomfortable with the idea until now. He shoved his tongue in my mouth and I felt like throwing up. Like now that I’ve finally been kissed I don’t feel special or like I’m a different person, I just feel kind of empty and disgusted with myself, and like I never want to kiss (cont)

3) another person in my life. And now I’m scared that maybe I will get the chance to kiss someone else in the future but won’t want to because of that experience and I don’t know if ALL kisses will feel that way to me or it was just that particular guy and I don’t even know if I want to find out. Sorry for crying with you about it I needed to share it somewhere

Don’t ever be sorry for needing to tell someone about something that’s made you so upset. I’m really glad you did because bottling it up doesn’t help, and ends up making you feel worse. I know because I went through this myself. I hope telling you some of my own experiences might help you see that your worth is not tied to some dick who can’t keep his tongue to himself.

My first kiss was taken from me too. I was in a club with some friends and one guy asked if I wanted to play a game. He said he’d guess where I was from (my ethnicity) and if he got it right, he’d get a kiss. This was my first time I was in a club and I was hella nervous being there and he was insistent whenever I said no so I figured I’d give this cute boy a shot, but I really didn’t actually want to kiss him. I hadn’t been kissed before and I wanted it to be special, not in some club with this guy I knew I’d never see again.

Anyway, my feelings on the matter didn’t mean anything because he had one wrong guess, and before I could tell him that, he shoved his tongue down my throat as I was speaking. And it was so gross, and by far the worst kiss of my life. And I’ll forever regret it, but in that moment, I thought it was me that was bad because I’d never kissed anyone and just like you, I went for another go and it was even worse. It was like making out with a fucking Magikarp. And he wouldn’t let go either, so I kinda had to wait for him to stop before I could get out. It was a horrible first kiss.

I didn’t want to tell any of my friends how gross I felt because I didn’t want to ruin their nights and think I was some drama queen. I eventually rationalized to myself that it wasn’t a big deal and I was being a prude. Very bad reasoning.

So I completely understand how you’re feeling - I felt so gross, so used and disgusted with myself. I’d grown up watching all these films where the first kisses were something magical and with someone that genuinely liked you, and I was young enough to think it would happen to me. Having my mouth invaded by an overtly enthusiastic tongue in some dingy club with some random dude without my consent was not how I pictured it, and like you, it seriously changed how I saw all future kisses. Like a gross act rather than a pleasant physical connection with someone. And eventually, I rationalized to myself that maybe I did want it and maybe I was the bad kisser and maybe maybe maybe - fuck no, bad bad very bad reasoning, do not go down that road.

But eventually, after meeting the right friends and spending time with the right girls, I realised that it wasn’t my fault, as it isn’t yours, and we shouldn’t be giving power to these assholes to dictate how our future relationships or our future kisses should go. It took me way too long to figure that out. Even if you did kiss him back, like I did, that is still not any justification for him kissing you without your consent. And the fact he was shit at it is his fault. Not yours. It was your first time, and probably not his! If this was anything else, the one with more experience is expected to be better than the one without any, so yeah - don’t take any blame for it being shit.

Re: future kisses - please don’t think they’re all like that. I know it’s easy to assume so because your first experience was so horrible, but I promise you that is not the case. He was a bad kisser. He doesn’t represent everyone else. I finally had the kiss I always wanted by a guy I knew really liked me for me, and it was far from gross and disgusting and it was so lovely. For me, that was the kiss that really mattered and I almost never think about the disgusting first time. Because it doesn’t matter and he doesn’t matter and you nor I should ever judge ourselves for the mediocrity of men.

It’s okay to be uncomfortable. It’s okay to be grossed out. It was an uncomfortable and gross kiss, and I can only imagine it felt worse if you think you’re asexual, but please don’t ever ever ever take it on yourself and your own self-image. If you ever get a chance to kiss someone, don’t give this guy the influence to affect your special moment with another, because that special moment might just make you feel like everything you should have the first time around and erase that disgusting kiss from your mouth for good.

Be kind to yourself, okay? Don’t let this one moment by a shit guy get you down. Like first loves aren’t always the one for you, the first time someone kisses you won’t always be great and that’s alright. Sometimes it’s the fifth or twentieth kiss, but the real first time is the one that you genuinely enjoy and the first one you’ll remember fondly. That’s what a real first kiss is, not this asshole and his weird gross tongue. Just be kind to yourself ❤️❤️ thanks for telling me this and know that I’m always here if you ever need to chat ❤️❤️

#anonymous #answered #long post #listen you are amazing and he is not fucking worth it #we should stop feeling bad because men are lacking

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fearfearer · 4 years

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more thoughts about the magnus archives as i reread the transcripts

i was thinking about how gertrude robinson was really an extraordinary person (not extraordinarily Morally Sound, but extraordinary) just because of who she was, whereas the only extraordinary things about jonathan sims are things that have been arranged for him (i.e. his role). i don't mean this as a diss for jonathan, as i'm not extraordinary either. it's just striking that gertrude was so driven and confident compared to jon. of course, now we know that basically everything she did was in the pursuit of a moot goal (i.e. killing people in order to stop rituals that were already doomed to fail) so maybe my point is somewhat moot as well.

i've been doing some rereading of episodes on my phone (i.e. away from this text document on my computer) and i'll have a realization like "right, i should note that down when i get back to my computer" and i have forgotten all of them now that i am back at my computer. suffice it to say there are quite a few things i misheard/misunderstood on the first listen, unsurprisingly.

reading through the first 20 or so episodes i'm surprised by how well i remember each of them, considering i was listening like 4 episodes a day when i started. then again, it was only a month or two ago that i even listened to them, so one should hope my memory is at least this good. anyway the first episode i'm re-listening instead of rereading is 22 bc that's the first one where we hear martin's voice, i'm pretty sure

i've also noticed some errors in the official transcripts, which aren't a big deal because obviously what matters most is the audio, but still... some of them have been simple typos. magnus archives hire me as your official transcriptionist and i'll make all your transcripts 100% error-free bc im smatr

(reading through the rest of the transcripts and my standards went way down in terms of grammar/stylistic consistency, as most of the later ones are fan transcripts by several different people. i found quite a few mistakes, but obviously i have no particular way to help fix them short of sending an email to the tma transcripts fansite person like “hey there’s all these mistakes. upload my good version instead?” bc i’m not that much of a dick)

the whole reason martin went to the spider guy's building was because he didn't want jon to be disappointed in him for not doing Due Diligence. he says so twice. then he went back for the same reason. it seems the fandom joke is "jon asks his assistants to do crimes for him" but in this case martin is like "oh no maybe i didn't do enough crimes to satisfy jon"

jon was doing his archivist voice HEAVILY in season 1, huh?

tim's first appearance is so jovial compared to how he ends up...

if this boat lady is speaking spanish in brazil, then it doesn't matter if it was "bad spanish" or not. anyway now i understand why we already knew peter lukas was serving the lonely by the time jon mentioned offhand that peter lukas was serving the lonely. it was my whole “let’s not bother noting down any FREQUENTLY RECURRING names”

well i guess robert smirke was a real person. should i feel dumb about this? idk. it’s such a fictional-sounding name, to be fair. but i guess that set the precedent of using a real person as an important historical figure in the fiction that we see happening again when edmund halley is referenced later on. also episode 35 has foreshadowing for the separation of 14 powers, and people thought it was 13 because they mention 13 halls PLUS the one they came through.

totally forgot about tim goofing around in episode 39... he was really not having the worst time at this job before bad things started happening and he realized he was trapped, huh

the worms were trying to make a doorway into the Worm Wealm

ep 40 jon's like "I need to hear it. I need to record it. Or else I can't finish." (lightly abridged)

listening to the season 1 Q&A for the first time and EARL BIGMAC

also good to know there's only going to be 5 seasons. very good to know. this seems like a good kind of series to write with a fixed endpoint in mind, as it's very easy to do an episode that has effectively no bearing on the MetaPlot but which is still a short story in itself and therefore doesn't count as "filler"

jonathan sims performs with a mythical space pirate music cabaret. so he IS a ham

jonny says, "no rude words. i could say bums, maybe..." (alexander j newall does a laugh while i do the exact same laugh irl) "...but i won't."

some dumbass writing into the Q&A to ask if the background music is diegetic... get a podcast brain, ya fool. though for my part, i have to say that one of the most striking things about this podcast when i first started listening (though i never made a note of it before) was the Too Spooky Music, and i didn't like it at all. the reason was that i am, and have been, vulnerable to Getting Spooked about irrational things at night, such that it becomes really hard to fall asleep... and one of the things that has an outsize effect on my level of Spookédness is spooky audio. so if i was watching a video at night and i was worried it would Get Me Spooked, i would just turn the sound off, and it would turn out fine. but obviously you can't turn the sound off on a podcast. and i've been listening to podcasts after work, i.e. after 5pm, and i go to bed at like 8 or 9pm because i'm old. so the way it turned out was that even if the actual subject of the podcast wasn't that scary to me, the music would amplify it in an unpleasant way and make me more likely to have trouble sleeping. also i think most of the episodes would have been fine without the music, or maybe with some less intentionally-disconcerting background music.

this just in: i seem to have totally missed episode 50 on my first listen-through, despite having gone in linear order. bc i'm listening to it now and i've definitely never heard this before. fortunately it doesn't seem to have much of a bearing on the rest of the series, so it's not like i missed any crucial information. tbh the only worthwhile bit was a brief moment of tim being a ham, which was good. i hope i didn't miss any other episodes the first time... still don't know how i managed to miss this one.

the official transcript said [EXTENDED SOUNDS OF BRUTAL PIPE MURDER] ...

so gertrude and leitner WERE played by jonny's parents <:3c i'd thought as much when i saw the cast names but i like that it's confirmed. his mom is a really good actress too. i always find the gertrude episodes to be striking in a certain way

"it's Fine working with your parents. it's Fine." as someone who worked with my mom for like a year i can confirm this

i'm tickled to find that the official transcripts have a sense of humor. i wonder who is behind them. i also wonder, what is the excuse for not having a full set of official transcripts when it is a script-based show? surely you know what is going to be said beforehand, and you have it written down, and if someone ends up saying something different in the final recording, surely it wouldn’t be too hard to give the original script a little edit, and bam! that’s a transcript. i wonder if this approach is not feasible for some reason.

whenever martin reads statements, he says something about jon... whenever he talks to someone, he says something about jon

i think episode 110 is an instance of the tape recorder turning ITSELF off... at the end of the episode. because they walk away, and they say something distantly, and then it turns off. lots of other times, there had to be a diegetic reason for the tape recorder to turn off at the end.

i noticed something which i missed last time, which was that there is a rumor between melanie and georgie and basira that implies that jonathan is asexual. worth noting, i think. [side note added in later: yeah it’s canon. cool]

also i listened to episode 103 again and yes. i had thought-- i had been SURE-- that the person interrogating the traffic cop (using the asky ability) was martin. but it was actually jon. how did i possibly manage that mistake? i'm not great at distinguishing voices, but i'm not THAT bad. the only possible answer: when i was listening to the episode for the first time... i must have been eating a crunchy snack.

"it doesn't have to make sense! alex has to make it sense." (jonny sims re: writing the spiral)

glad to know that jonny sims regrets using his own name for the protagonist. doesn't make a difference either way at this point but yeah

YES i knew episode 100 was improvised. and i see, all the statementers had actually had supernatural experiences, but because the archivist was absent, their statements didn't have the coherence and clarity normally lent to them by the eye (in exchange for becoming cursed). i think melanie or basira actually said pretty much that in the episode itself, but i still couldn't be sure that all of those people had something real to talk about.

"in the same way that tim is dead, michael is helen." good shit

the archivist is canon a bit of a drama queen. the first bullet point in my first tma notes document is vindicated

jonny sims mentions another podcast (apocrypals) that sounds 100% up my alley, so that is appreciated, i will add that to my list i think. (listened to episodes 0 and 1 of apocrypals and i'm heavily struck by how VERY clearly i can hear the smiles in chris sims's voice. i did not know smiling could be so audible, truly.) (listened to quite a few more episodes of apocrypals and it’s certainly entertaining at times. i should’ve been reading along though. maybe some other time)

I DIDN'T LISTEN TO THE SEASON 4 TEASER THE FIRST TIME AROUND.........................................

i must confess something that people who know me well may already know: i hate when stories have a bad ending. an unhappy ending. a painful ending. a hopeless ending. bittersweet is the furthest in that direction i can tolerate. my perspective, which is pretty deep-seated, is that there's no point in getting to know and love characters if you're only going to be hurt by that connection to them when the end turns out to be bad. if i have even a mild inkling that a story is heading toward a bad ending, i make a conscious effort to regard all characters from afar and not develop any strong attachments. this is not so much "how i think all stories need to be," but rather, "the characteristics a story needs to have to appeal to me personally." so i understand that my view is very subjective and mostly based on my own mental weakness. but i can't help but apply it to the media i consume. and the idea that someone would do something like "make characters very human and strongly developed" IN COMBINATION WITH "heading toward a bad end" makes me upset. like, picture a horror movie. think about the characters in a horror movie. with the exception of a main character, if there is one, there's no guarantee that anyone is going to survive to the end of the film... BUT... the characters generally aren't fleshed out and very sympathetic. i wouldn't go so far as to say they're disposable, but you're not SUPPOSED to cry when they die; you're just supposed to get scared. their purpose is as objects of fear, and you never expect or even hope for a happy ending. but in the magnus archives... all i'm saying... is that i would cry if any of the remaining members of the main cast died. and it seems clear that we're not heading to a happy ending. so i'm somewhat afraid, and not in a good way. i don't know how much i can trust jonny sims to give me the story i want, and obviously, i'm not entitled to it.

if your name is jonathan and you want to shorten it, the short form is jon. it ain't john, no matter what the official transcripts say. where'd you get that h, huh? stole it from someone else's name? are you shortening it like JOnatHaN? you can’t just be that sneaky!

i listened to scrutiny again and it hits so hard. now, in heart of darkness, when manuela begs jon not to force her statement, it's really heavy given the direct context of the previous two episodes where we see how compulsion works and how it hurts.

also when jon was talking about how to destroy the dark sun and he was like "i just need to see it," when i first heard it, i assumed he meant something along the lines of, "by seeing it, i will learn how to destroy it." but now i understand that the mere act of the eye seeing it destroys it, because being known is what the darkness is weakest to.

the magnus employees who work in the library probably at least have a LITTLE BIT of a feeling that they work in an almost normal place, given that jon and all his assistants were able to have that impression before transferring to the archives. so i wonder how the magnus library people feel about their institute's director getting arrested for double murder and now the big boss is a completely unrelated ship captain who seems to want nothing to do with the place but simultaneously is trying to continue business as usual

on second listen, listening to jon ask helen when the guilt stops (wrt hurting people in order to feed one's patron fear) is pretty chilling. because it seems like he's definitely accepting that he will have to hurt people, and what he's concerned about is how bad it makes HIM feel. of course, helen then answers with precisely what i just wrote, so...

i should've read the transcript for episode 159 instead of relistening because i forgot that peter lukas's actor got so gravelly and hard to listen to in this one. anyway, time to re-listen to the season 4 finale... then i'll listen to the season 4 Q&As and stuff... and then the new episode. (DOKI DOKI DOKI DOKI DOKI)

i heard in the Q&A that the voice of peter lukas did multiple takes for episode 159?! but it was because of technical difficulties. right. because i can’t imagine the way it turned out being deemed the best take. sorry

ok, things i missed last time i listened to 160: daisy and the other two hunters are missing. also jon mentioned "magnus's body" and martin mentioned "an old man's corpse" and at the time i took this to mean (somewhat unthinkingly) that when jon and martin returned from the lonely, they killed elias/jonah's body. which would be a weird thing to happen "off-camera," so to speak. so i think i must have been wrong? slightly confused. ok, no, i'm now sure that elias survived, so i must have misunderstood. definitely alive.

as martin leaves and jon is about to begin the statement, he sounds so peaceful and satisfied. that's good acting.

by the way, in one of the previous few episodes, i noticed that jonah seems to have body-swapped by switching out his eyes into his preferred body, which i'm pretty sure i missed the first time.

i like that jonny sims checks reddit to see whether people have solved the mystery. that's just a really funny way to do things, sneaking a peek like "hmm how mysterious is my mystery? let's see who has figured it out..." and for the record, i wasn't even close to figuring it out. but to be fair to myself, i didn't try. like i said from the beginning, i started listening with the intent of going along for the ride. plus the mystery had already been solved before i started listening to the series, so it's not like i had a lot of time in between updates to contemplate whether elias was jonah, etc.

JON'S AMERICAN ACCENT FOR THE IONIZED YEAST AD

ALEX WAS THE VOICE OF JARED HOPWORTH?! i mean it was so messed up it could have been anybody but god

ALEX DIDN'T LET GERTUDE CACKLE

i've listened to the bloopers (including a gertrude cackle?) and the season 5 trailer (martin seems slightly cavalier about the end of the world but maybe he's just trying to keep his shit together for jon) and i'm going to listen to the new episode Soon.

final conclusion on rereads/relistens: i had pretty poor comprehension of some important happenings. i’m realizing just how easy it is to mishear/fail to hear exactly what is happening in a podcast when you’re doing other stuff at the same time. there are still a couple things i don’t quite understand, but i think i’ll have a look around the wiki one of these days.

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comicteaparty · 4 years

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February 8th-February 14th, 2020 Creator Babble Archive

The archive for the Creator Babble chat that occurred from February 8th, 2020 to February 14th, 2020. The chat focused on the following question:

Which of your characters is most like you, and how does the similarity affect how you write them?

Nutty (Court of Roses)

Every one of my main characters in Court of Roses https://courtofroses.spiderforest.com/ has a little piece of me, but Merlow takes a big chunk of me, and/or the person I try to be, in his character. I tend to feel for him a lot and get deep into his emotional highs and lows.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

In Whispers of the Past (https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/whispers-of-the-past/list?title_no=191366), I am actually most similar to my villain, Ryukou, which.... is a bit concerning and also oddly cathartic at the same time. Ryukou, like me, is book smart rather than street smart, just an absolute nerd. He obsesses over details and frequently gets lost in his work (often as a detriment to his health, forgetting to eat and sleep and such). He is a severe overthinker about pretty much everything, and he bottles his emotions inside. He is also asexual and generally has a hard time showing affection. This is to the point where when he finds someone he really cares about, losing them is like losing the one friend he ever had. Pretty much all of these traits are directly inspired by me, which leaves behind an interesting feeling, because even through all of his evil acts, his horrible deeds and unforgivable sins... I still want to redeem him. I don't want to call him "evil," because to do so feels like accepting myself as evil. So I do a lot of labeling him as "troubled" instead of "evil."

Mei

People say that I'm a lot like my character Bruce but with a spattering of Kenneth's sardonic nature. I feel as if I just split myself in two to write them! My friends do joke about Kenneth being the vent for all my frustrations, and honestly... they are not wrong... I do think a lot of my characters have a bit of me in them. Whether it's the sense of humour or the sass, I think it's just a part of the writing process for me. That being said... I love all my lil characters beans and I cherish them and I just want the best for them, even if I sometimes write them into terrible situations... what can I say, I am a terrible parent to my lil characters

DanitheCarutor

Both my main characters have a little bit of me in them. Apollo has some of my music interests, which is old country and 70's - 80's stuff, mostly rock. Julian, even though their interests and general personality are being overshadowed by their mental state right now, they like science and reading. Although their interests aren't exactly like mine, I like geology as well as biological sciences like medical science and zoology, while Julian enjoys biological plant sciences like botany and horticulture. They're not really THAT similar, but I guess I consider them so since it's all nerdy science bs. I do have more than just interests, but I'll put those behind a spoiler since they're generally sensitive topics and also really personal: SPOILER Since my comic is a vent comic, I use my characters are tools to explore my own issues, and see them from a different perspective. I filter a lot of my mental issues through Julian, which is stuff like long-term suicidal depression and self-hate. Not gonna lie, I've been living with urges to die since I was 11, and have been feeling like crap for longer than that. Apollo is loosely in a position of a kid seeing a parent in an abusive relationship, having that feeling of being powerless and not knowing what to do, although he doesn't take notice of the situation till the end of chapter 5/beginning of chapter 6. (Although it can also extend to the friend or non-child relative, 3rd party type affected by the situation. I've been in that position as well...) Also later on living with a person who has PTSD and other serious psychological issues. Being a person who was raised by a parent with PTSD and anxiety due to an abusive ex-husband, it quite an experience, especially since neither of us were educated in the slightest on mental health. (I was a child, so you know, I didn't really know better.) In my teens she married a guy who was all emotional abuse, so that's where the "helpless kid" stuff comes from.(edited) END SPOILER

DanitheCarutor

Even though people who know me who've seen the comic think it's a bad idea, working on it actually been super cathartic. It puts to paper emotions and experiences that I have a lot of trouble putting into words, while also letting me see "myself" from a different perspective. Also with how dedicated I've been to researching for this comic I have explored a lot of the good sides to mental health, good coping mechanisms, and general self-care. Which later on becomes the main focus in the story. So my comic has been really nice for me. You can say I'm personally invested in seeing it through till the end.

Lol you know, the more I post on the more I feel like I just make everything uncomfortable. Uh, just kick me from the server if you all feel like I'm ruining the mood, I'll totally understand! xD

keii4ii

It's totally fine as far as I'm concerned! I just hope you're not feeling too uncomfortable

DanitheCarutor

I see stuff like this as me just using myself as an explanation or example for the nature of my comic, the focus isn't really on me specifically so it feels less awkward. It feels more technical and less personal, even though the subject matter is super personal... if that makes any sense.(edited)

So yeah, I'm good!

DanitheCarutor

Er, better explanation: It's easier to talk about personal stuff when it's for my comic than when it's for me. Sorry, my wording was bothering me.

kayotics

I mean, you're not the only one to use comics or characters as a way to deal with things emotionally. I've absolutely done that before. Both Toivo and Rosemary in Ingress Adventuring Company (https://www.ingress-comic.com/) are inspired a lot from me and my own experiences. Rosemary is modeled after me as a teenager: irritable, a know it all, annoyed, and then has a single parent who she has a very hard time relating to because of how different emotionally they are. Toivo is inspired in a different way. He has traits that I wish I had (like emotional vulnerability and cheerfulness), and faces problems that were inspired by events in my life. both of them seem to actually share a lot of the flaws that I have, just manifested in different ways.

DanitheCarutor

Pff I mean making people uncomfortable by going into detail about it. Usually I'm more vague, or don't bring up personal stuff, but it's behind a spoiler so eh.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

I don't think there's anything wrong with that. The nature of the question itself is to be personal, considering we're talking about how similar we are to our characters.

I have similarities to one of my other characters as well, but I decided not to talk about it because I'm still working through my issues atm The fact that you're able to talk about these sensitive topics means that you've made a lot of progress.

Eilidh (Lady Changeling)

I personally put bits of myself into my characters deliberately, because it makes it easier to write them in a way that feels authentic to my own experience and feelings (the only first hand references I have for reality)

DanitheCarutor

@Cronaj (Whispers of the Past) It helps a lot that my previous job had an on-site Psychologist who I used to talk to. Before she moved out of state she helped me through a board interview, and got me in the mindset to be open about discussing mental health issues. Although I don't usually talk about my own issues since most of them are self-diagnosed, and saying I have that stuff for sure doesn't feel right, when the Psychologist was around we really only got around to diagnosing and tackling my social anxiety.

It's funny because a lot of our discussions were me asking her about the nature of her work, along with experiences she had with patients since therapy and stuff like that is a large part of the later part of my comic.

But back on topic, poor Julian gets the brunt of my issues, poor thing! Poor comic characters, they deal with so much shit. Lmao!

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Indeed they do.

LadyLazuli (Phantomarine)

It's not well-hidden that Phantomarine's (http://www.phantomarine.com/) main character Phaedra is extremely similar to me But over time, she's become less of a carbon copy, and more of a critique/exploration of myself when I was younger. Partly just because the comic has gone on for almost five years now - she's remained locked in time, while I've gained clearer hindsight as to who I was at 19. At my best, I was caring, empathetic, hard-working, and thoughtful - at my worst, I was stubborn, stiff, quick to judge, slow to change, and mightily self-righteous. But when some bad life events happened, I was forced to mature in unexpected ways. I wanted to channel that same energy for Phaedra. She's strong in her convictions - but maybe a bit too strong.

Her journey doesn't involve a total invalidation of her convictions, but more of a broadening. Someone inflexible becoming more willing to question her beliefs in the event of new knowledge. Especially with the threat of death/erasure on the line. It's my greatest critique of my younger self - not something I outright hate in retrospect, but something I needed to work on. Phaedra both annoys me and stirs up great pity in me. I think that's a healthy and relatable combination for a teenager/young-adult.

snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights)

In terms of, like, her backstory, and how her life unfolds in general, Mizuki is basically nothing like me. But in terms of dialogue... Mizuki talks exactly how I talk in real life.

Tuyetnhi

a lot of folks asked me if Cara is a self-insert when I explicitly states she's kind of an experience between me and my mom's relationship with each other. Though she has some personality from me, that's the same goes with everyone else I create for my comics or written stories.

idk it might just an inherent thing I recognize

twothirty

Like most people have mentioned all my characters in Verse (http://versecomic.com/) have parts of me in them, it's the only way i can write them in a believable way. But if i had to pick just 1, it's definitely Fife. Just 100% anxiety, a constant inner dialogue of self-doubt, and my own nervous tics like playing with hair and picking at nails. It makes writing how he handles problems kind of weird, because I get a bit too much in my own head with it.

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I can relate with all my characters in some way and definitely throw some of my own culture and experiences in mental illness into them. I feel like I'm able to write those things in better and make them feel more natural because I know what it's really like and how I would be responding to a situation. There's also one character I'm about to introduce (in an update for tomorrow or Monday) who's kind of like how I was as a child.

Capitania do Azar

I feel like I'm just going to repeat a lot of the replies I see here by saying I sprinkled a lot of traits and issues through the characters so I can see them interact and figure things out I don't think there's one of them that gets more than the others though. And it's usually really small things here and there, nothing too big because that would ruin the purpose of trying to have my characters being their own persons

Tuyetnhi

yep, i agree on that

renieplayerone

same here, I kinda spread out between a bunch of different characters. I really wanted to be deliberate in not having a self-insert character while still being able to talk about things I've experienced. I think for me what helped was figuring out what werent things I related to about these characters and went out and talked to people who did have that experience

DanitheCarutor

I dunno, I think it's all in what kind of people... creatures you make your characters. Like, I only have the two and really give Julian the majority of my personal stuff, to where they can superficially be a carbon copy of myself. Although overall their background, personality and how they deal with issues are different. You can put a lot of yourself into one character but it's all in how you have them handle those traits, coupled with what kind of personality they have, and where they come from that makes them their own person, so to speak. People are complicated, you can put a group who share the same interests through the same scenario, and how they react or what they take away from that experience will always be a little different.

Urg, sorry if I'm coming off rude, or stating the obvious!

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

You know, I was thinking, "none of my characters are like me," but then @snuffysam (Super Galaxy Knights) 's comment made me remember that, wait, they do sort of talk like me. I don't really like it. Especially when I catch them using words that I use too often, like "just" and "actually." It doesn't help that my friends have said that I have a very "particular way of speaking," whatever that means. How do you guys prevent that kind of thing? Obviously my natural instinct when writing dialogue is to write in my own voice. It feels unnatural to go against that.

keii4ii

One tool you can use is to model a character after someone else. This doesn't really show in my comic, as it's in English only these days, but the characters canonically talk in Korean most of the time. The MC is not fluent in Korean. I modeled his speech after two Korean-American dudes I know IRL, who are not fluent in the language. He doesn't talk exactly like them, as they have very different personalities, but knowing the exact level of brokenness (as in broken Korean) helped a lot back when I was writing the comic in Korean.

Tuyetnhi

I sometimes caught that too with my characters. I try to think of the type of vocabulary they'll use to speak. also what keii said too. I have a handful of characters based on people I knew, and experiences I had in the past as well.

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

Luckily, my my comic takes place in a much "older" setting, so none of my characters really speak like me. The language is so dated at times that you would have a hard time comparing it to my style of talking at all. Actually.... I do have ONE character who speaks like me. But he's also a 4th wall breaker.

Tuyetnhi

we love characters like that lol

carcarchu

My verbal ticks definitely slip into my characters's dialogue but some of my characters have super wacky speech styles such as the character who only speaks in haiku and the one that only talks in kaomojis so that helps to differentiate them

Deo101 [Millennium]

I give everyone an accent and then just by trying to read it in that accent it kind of loses my voice in that process

DanitheCarutor

To add onto what Keii said, depending on the language, the person who isn't a native speaker may also speak more formally. I used to work in a squadron with a bunch of Dutch pilots, and while their English was exceptional, some of them never used word shortcuts like 'they're' or 'you're' but would instead say 'they are' or 'you are'. Their English was very proper compared to people who were native to the language. You can also base a character's speech off their education level. Like a person who isn't well versed in their grammar, or has a limited vocabulary is going to have related issues while speaking. You can also akin this to how they were raised, if their parents had a specific speech pattern, or they grew up in an area where everyone spoke a certain way they might as well. They might also use different words, such as when I lived in Ohio for a bit I noticed how most people referred to soda as pop, and said words like creek (crick) or pond. As opposed to where I grew up, Arizona, where I rarely heard those specific words being used. Especially creek and pond since we don't have an abundance of natural bodies of water, we usually call everything rivers or lakes regardless of size.(edited)

Uh, to answer more directly. I usually figure in the character's education level, upbringing, and location. For example one of my MCs is a hardcore hick, and doesn't like reading or learning in general, so his speech is very simple and not always grammatically correct. As opposed to my other MC who isn't a native English speaker but put a lot of effort into learning the language, is a very technical person, and worked really hard to hide their accent. Even though they do use shortcuts, their speech is more proper and they use a larger vocabulary because they like reading. They also cuss a hell of a lot more than the other MC because they're extremely salty.(edited)

kayotics

Getting a character's voice right is really hard, honestly. What I have to do when writing dialogue is ask myself "Is this in the character's voice?" dialogue is my favorite thing to write, but it's hard to remember to keep in a specific voice. Sometimes i go back a few times in the dialogue to tweak it so there's the right words being used, and the right sentence structure. It's always a battle between how to say something in the most concise way on the page, but still keeping in the right character voice. Like Dani above me said, there's a lot that goes into figuring out a voice, like education level and upbringing and localisms. I just ask myself "ok, how does this character speak? He feels like he's dumb and he wants to make himself sound smart, so he might use words that are too big here" Eventually with each character I figure out what they're like, but for side characters I try to pick a quirk so they don't all mesh together.

DanitheCarutor

@kayotics Aah! The best thing is when that dumb character uses the wrong big words. "Ah yes sir, I love your work! Your brush strokes are very circumlocution."

Cronaj (Whispers of the Past)

See, I have a dumb character who knows he's dumb, so he just doesn't talk if he thinks he doesn't know what he's talking about

Which is quite often

sssfrs (JOE IS DEAD)

I have a very specific tone I use in my comic & I honestly find it harder to avoid slipping into that tone when writing normal stuff than slipping into my own voice writing the comic

Eightfish (Puppeteer)

you do have a very specific tone, sssfrs. Big part of why I read your comic(edited)

I like and agree with kayotics and dani's advice to try to put myself in the character's mind.

Problem is, most of my main characters have similar education levels and grew up in the same place. I mean, there's a reason they're friends.

But that's kind of an excuse, now that I think about it. I've never met two real people with the same voice, even if they're superficially similar. It's probably just a matter of effort differentiating fictional characters.(edited)

Capitania do Azar

How dialog is structured is a great way to show the relationship between the different interacting characters I have two characters who are interested in each other but don't know each other very well and are constantly tiptoeing between using closer pronouns and first names or going back to formal speech and last names/ranks when they feel they're not getting their way. Similarly, a character may speak only in very short, concise sentences to one and be more expressive and take up more words with another. And don't get me started in the weight of silence

AntiBunny

I originally said Hannibal is the most like me in http://AntiBunny.net/ but he and I have grown in different ways since the comic began. Though much of the main cast has bits and pieces of my personality.

sagaholmgaard

I feel like I'm the most like Styrka, mind-wise. I gave her all my anxieties and she's the way I feel like I'd act if I weren't also lucky enough to be in a very positive place in my life, lol. She's the easiest for me to write at least, because I feel like I have the best understanding of her mind out of all the characters. (Behavior-wise, though, I'm more like Albus. I try to be positive if I can!) https://tapas.io/series/_Reclaim_

#ctparchive #comics #webcomics #indie comics #comic chat #comic discussion #comic tea party #ctp #creator interview #comic creator interview #creator babble

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a-singing-carebear · 5 years

Text

Coming out-honestly

*Fair warning - it came out (pun intended) very very lengthy, you really don't have to read it, it’s just a mess-salad.

I decided to wait until the last day of pride (kinda, i won’t have the computer in the next couple of days so it’s now on the 28th and not the actually 30th) rather than on the first or some random day.

Last year i posted on Pride Month a short post about my sexaluy-just stating for those who didn’t know that i'm homoromantic (/ace lesbian / whatever) and happy pride...

A few weeks (or days) after i deleted that post.

I was scared, it was the first time i ever came out in a social/"public" place, and i know that a lot of other people who are closeted outside of the net find places like tumblr or twitter as a safe place.

But i panicked and the fact that an ex-friend (yes that a word i’m using) is following me didn't help. (even though i'm pretty sure she hasn't touched her account in years...)

I’ve known i'm queer for a while. Actually i was raised in a very heteronormative environment, (and in a pretty lonely and closed childhood, so i wasn't aware of a l o t of things) until i was 12 i didn't even knew what the LGBTQ+ community was (other than hearing people use "homo" as a curse word or an insult).

When i found out it was just like "oh cool". Then realised that i was falling in love with my best friend, what started everything. I started looking back and realising things that i thought were just me being too young, a late bloomer or just not interested in all of that. The thought process-maybe i’m bi-i think im bi-no lesbian-oh asexal is a thing- Until i finally understand myself completely. (Maybe one day i will make a post about that)

Almost two years ago i finally fully came out to myself (as weird as it sounds) as asexual homoromanrtic. I was desperate to find the correct label and explain it to others. I felt like i couldn't just be “queer”, that no one will take it seriously or believe it without a clear specific tag(\label). (i’m not that much into labels, they can help and make you feel comfortable but why can’t i just say:

“i don’t think i have sexual attraction to anyone, i don’t want a sexaul relationship, i like girls, i want a girlfriend, and hey maybe there will be a guy someday that i will want to be with, in like a 2% present if even but still” .

(found this post a few days ago, it made me happy, like it was waiting just for me to read it, so thank you - https://atalana.tumblr.com/post/184952782507)

Now i’m almost 19, and knew for the past 7 years that i'm not straight, but it was really hard for me to be out to someone else. What if they will not accept me? What if they will hate me? What if it will make things awkward and uncomfortable? What if they'll tell me i’m wrong? (It has come to a point that i feel more comfortable coming out to people at my base (military) then my closest friends)...

I always said to myself that when i will have a girlfriend, this will be how i would come out - "...this is my girlfriend..." But it’s so much harder, still single, been single all my life, i don't really know how the whole “asking out” thing works (especially with my self-doubt, anxiety, being an introvert, and of course my sexaulty- first i need to find a girl that i like than for her to be wlw then for her to want me and then for her to be fine with me being also ace.

Switching things up a bit, let's talk about Pride Parade. For almost three years now (maybe more) I wanted to attend Pride. but combining: closeted, social anxiety, not loving very big crowds and being alone (like not having anyone to go with), and you can kinda see why i haven’t even though i do want. i can celebrate in my own way for now, looking at gay stuff in tumblr, re-reading the events of Stonewall ,listening to The Prom or Ben Platt’s “Sing to Me Instead”, watching Steven Universe, rewatching Love, Simon, making some(bad) queer art for myself etc.

For some reason it's really really hard for my to celebrate pride...cause i’m alone(feel alone at least). And i'm really terrified of being out. Even at home, even a simple thing like putting a flag or commenting gay stuff...

"Cause no matter what, announcing who you are to the world is pretty terrifying, cause what if the world doesn't like you." [-Love, Simon]

It’s all i want to do, to come out. I’m happy to be a part of the community, In silence and alone i embrace myself and everything… but, my feelings are so complicated.

"I feel like I’m stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, then the next I’m at rock-bottom." [-Love, Simon]

I want be be proud, but It's just... For example, last week i was talking to someone and told her a story with two girls getting married, which ended in a big discussion with me defending and explaining the community, and finding out she's pretty homophobic. Then she asked me "wait are you a lesbian?"

"Ya, what of it?" That's what i wanted to say. i panicked, just froze and didn't answer her. And i know what you're going to say "we do understand, you just found out she's homophobic". It's more than that, i'm not sure if i would have acted differently if she wasn't...

It's so hard to be closeted, especially when your trying so hard to keep it that way (for some damn reason). I don't think there something wrong with me because i’m lgbtq+. i just think i couldn't handle the types of rejection/denial that i could receive.

Being in the closet is hard, growing up changing the pronouns in love songs, having nothing to say in "boys talk" etc. My little personal bubble is colorful (like a soap bubble in the sun), it's just so hard to me to show it. I need the courage, the self-confidence and the safeness of my surrounding, i just don't have them…

[This is what i love about people from the community wearing pride colors, it helps. it gives me hope and validness, it’s makes me so happy, i don’t feel that alone. it’s like holding a big sigh “hey i’m queer too, you’re accepted & safe!”]

Here, My closest friends for example, we’re friends for almost 5 years now, but i haven't told them. at all. I know they will accept me. But it can affect our relationships so much. I hope it doesn't... It's like a bandaid, i just need to rip it off, but it will hurt. Like opening Pandora's box, who know what will come out.

I’m out to my younger brother, but he doesn't like that i talk about it too often. I told my previous therapist. I came out to a new friend of mine, and then(of other reasons)a few weeks after we stopped being friends. My mother kinda know but not really. Two weeks ago i came out to a good friend of mine (but that i know only 4 month), and the only reason i felt comfortable telling him was because i knew he moves away in a couple of weeks (so even if it will be a disaster, i wouldn't have to see him again).

That's it.

So I was wondering for a while lately why didn't i already came out yet to any of my close friends? To my family? Yes, we already realise that it’s because i'm scared of what will happen,

I think i get another reason why, Because what if i’m wrong? What if it will change? What if i am just a late bloomer? If it’s false? Or what if i tell someone for example that i’m homoromantic and down the line i will find out i’m actually biromantic or vice versa or just a lesbian...

The amounts of anxiety i’m dealing with on a daily basis in every aspect of my life and my low, non existent self-esteem, make me qustion evey single time my sexualty.

Even when i’m already out to myself and know what i like, there's this voice keep telling me that maybe i’m wrong. I’m fine with just being queer, with not using a specific labels (and i’m fine with). But it feels like the others, the society around me, need those tags. It can't end with “i was in love with that girl” or “i want a girlfriend”, and furthermore, a lot of pepole have no idea about asexalty. so telling them that i’m also ace or that i’m homoromantic will be completed...

Don’t get me wrong, i know who i am, what i like, i’ve known for a long time. But i also know that it’s a spectrum and its flexible, it just, like i said, I don’t think anyone will except/believe me if my "tags" would "change".

Then i realised. It’s ok... Even if i’m not totally sure, even if it could change, it’s an exploration, an experience. And most importantly- it matters, it’s real. whoever i am, now it’s real and i have to be more confident with myself (and not to let my already existing tons of self-doubt affect how i accept my own sexualy).

So “i’m gay, gay means Happy”.

Happy Pride! LOVE IS LOVE IS LOVE

Sorry for the huge, huge, enormous post. Thank you so much for listening, if you stayed until now (and coungration!) Just hope i don't regret it and delete this too…

Still not sure what to do… If you have any advices for me (or something else to say) i would love to hear.

Sorry again for the length, mess and probably grammar mistakes. I really needed to get it out there.

#pride month #pride #lgbtq #lgbtq community #coming out #closeted #lesbian #gay #asexuel #ace #homoromantic #wlw #gay pride #bi #love is love #queer

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miasswier · 5 years

Text

miasswier’s ultimate glee ranking: no 24

24: I Do

Written by: Ian Brennan Directed by: Brad Falchuk

Overall Thoughts: This one is a tough one to rank, mostly because the parts that I love I love so goddamn much, but the parts that annoy me annoy me so goddamn much. It’s pretty high up on the list because, objectively, it’s a really strong episode. It’s smack-dab in the middle of the strongest set of episodes in season four (lasting from “Sadie Hawkins” to “Guilty Pleasures”), and has really good entertainment value, while also showing a fantastic portrayal of the difficulties of living with mental illness. I originally had it higher on the list than I do now, but I re-watched it again and ugh, seriously, the parts of this episode I dislike drag it down so goddamn much. Still, it’s really strong, and it has some of my favourite moments in all of Glee history.

What I Like:

Finn telling Rachel that not everything is about her. What I like most about this moment is that it’s true. It’s not just Finn telling Rachel that to ~conceal his true feelings or whatever. Him kissing Emma legitimately had nothing to do with Rachel.

Okay, this whole storyline annoys the fuck out of me, but the scene before Jake and Marley sing their duet is pretty funny. It’s too bad they didn’t give Ryder more of a chance to be funny, because Blake Jenner has fantastic comedic timing.

Kurt and Blaine making out in the backseat of that car. Obviously.

“This is just bros helping bros.” “I love it when you talk fratty.” These two are the biggest fucking dorks.

“Tell me that’s not Tina again!”

Becky as the angry flower girl, throwing her petals with so much fucking force.

Jake calling Ryder out on his racist assumption that Jake would steal, or that Marley would assume Jake was stealing. As far as I remember there’s been no indication that Jake has ever actually committed a crime? He’s just lippy with teachers and sleeps with tons of girls and thinks that makes him a badass, but he isn’t a thief.

Jake and Marley not having sex. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: nobody can convince me that Marley wasn’t asexual. Still, I remember hearing the spoilers that five couples would go into hotel rooms and that four of those would be having sex and instantly hoping that Jake and Marley would be the ones that didn’t. I mean, Jake talks a big game about “taking it slow” but they’ve only been dating for four episodes, so that’s, what, a month? Maybe two? I’m glad that Marley didn’t let herself be pressured by the romantic gestures and such.

Santana raising her arms above her head while she follows Quinn into the hotel room. She’s so excited for the sex she’s about to have.

Honestly, Santana and Quinn in general in this episode. Everything about it is perfect, other than Quinn instantly shooting down the possibility of bisexuality, but my absolute favourite exchange is when Quinn tells Santana that the only non-gross guys are Will (ew) and Al Roker and Santana goes “Al Roker is disgusting, by the way.”

Seriously, though. Santana and Quinn had sex. Twice. That is a canonical thing that happened. I think about it every day tbh. God bless Glee.

Brittany taking pictures of Sue as she walks down the aisle and whispering “you look so good.”

“Oh, look, it’s the glee kids.”

Kurt very obviously hiding his boner behind his jacket as he gets out of the car, and Blaine’s adorable “oh my god.”

“You do realize how trashy blasphemous this is, right?” “Oh, come on Mercedes, everybody hooks up at weddings.”

Kurt pulling Blaine into the hotel room by the fucking tie.

I really enjoy the entire montage of couples post-sex (or post-not-sex, in the case of Jake and Marley). Obviously the Klaine scene is my favourite, but even the Artie/Betty scene is pretty cute. Also, Finn and Rachel’s scene is really heartbreaking in hindsight, since that’s the last time we see them on-screen together (in the same location, at least), and it’s the last kiss Rachel ever gives Finn.

Honestly, although it does annoy me in the context of the episode and in the context of when it aired, in hindsight the whole “we are endgame” speech is pretty sad. Hearing Finn talk about how he and Rachel are going to end up together, no matter what, is like a knife to the heart. Like, wow. There’s so much stuff on this show that in hindsight is just gutting.

That being said, it’s hilarious when Finn gives that whole pseudo-deep metaphor about seeds and Rachel just responds with “are you telling me you want to be a gardener?”

“Will Schuester is a weepy man-child whose greatest joy in life is singing with children. And his best friend? Nineteen.”

“Well, don't say that to Will Schuester. He'll have you singing a stripped down acoustic version of I Will Survive in a choir room full of teenagers with meaningful looks on their faces.”

Rachel telling Finn the honest truth that Emma running off has literally nothing to do with him. I’m glad that we’re at the point in the show where Finn making every woman in his life’s drama about himself is getting nipped in the bud.

Blaine and Kurt flanking Tina in red and white. They look like the angel and devil on her shoulders. Also, they’re totally going to make out during Showgirls.

The portrayal of Emma’s downward spiral over this episode and the previous one is so fantastic. Because it’s real. Here is a woman getting ready for what is supposed to be the happiest day of her life, and she’s just dreading it. Her anxiety gets worse and worse, and that just makes her OCD flare up even more-so than usual, and the result we get in the scene leading into “I’m (Not) Getting Married Today” is so wonderfully acted by Jayma Mays. I can think of very few TV shows who accurately dealt with this downside of mental illness: not even being able to enjoy the things that are supposed to bring you joy. Emma wants more than anything to marry Will, but she just can’t do it. It’s so raw, and emotional, and I’m so glad that we got to watch her perspective and not just Will and Finn’s. It’s just… god, I love that whole scene and that whole story. It’s just so goddamn real.

What I Don’t Like:

Mercedes calling Kurt and Blaine her “arm gays”. No thanks.

Okay, yeah, in hindsight the Finchel stuff is really sad, and I did tear up at a few of their scenes, but for fuck’s sake. It’s season four and we’re still dealing with this bullshit? They don’t have that much screen time, but it feels like every one of their scenes is never ending. And just exhausting. Plus, one of those scenes takes place while Kurt and Blaine are singing and I’ll never forgive Glee for that. Never.

In a similar vein, Artie and Betty have way too much screen time considering she was a one-episode character, and they also have a scene during Klaine’s song. It’s almost worse than the Finchel scene because it involves Artie literally annoying a girl into dancing with him via insulting her. She said no, bud. Leave her alone.

Jake/Marley/Ryder is SO ANNOYING OH MY GOD. Of all the annoying heterosexual bullshit I’m forced to put up with in this episode, theirs annoys me the most. First of all, we’re supposed to be rooting for Jake and Marley, but Glee is clearly showing us that Jake is the worst. But then Ryder kisses Marley, who is dating his best friend, so guess who just got added to the list of “the worst”? Seriously , why were these two the only two options given for Marley? She would have been way better off dating Unique.

I know this is a stupid, nitpicky thing, but I hate when Ryder says “she’s just a sophomore” about Marley, because I’m 98% sure that he and Jake are also sophomores, but this makes it sound like they’re both these mature adults or at least seniors, which just ends up making it seem creepy that these two guys are trying to get with this girl who they both clearly see as innocent and inexperienced, and seem to like all the more because of those qualities.

Again, one of the few episodes where I could accept Will having a lot of scenes, and he’s barely in it. Why does Glee always shove Will down my throat when I don’t want him, but hold back on him when he should actually be there? This is his goddamn wedding and he just got stood up. At least show him going to the honeymoon sweet in the hotel alone or something.

Another nitpicky thing but Mercedes isn’t at the reception and that makes me sad >:(

Songs:

You’re All I Need to Get By: I like the scene that comes before this, but the actual performance is boring, mostly because I do not give a rats ass about Jake and Marley. Also, it’s weird that Marley has solo lines in this. I would understand her singing along to some of it, but why is she singing parts by herself? She didn’t know this performance was happening!! HOW DID THEY CO-ORDINATE!!!

Getting Married Today: An awesome performance and amazing vocals by Jayma Mays. I love all of this except for the weird, floating Will Schuester head that is horribly green-screened to hove over Emma running away.

Just Can’t Get Enough: I really, really like this song. The performance, however, frustrates me. You barely see Kurt and Blaine! There are two scenes interjected in the song of straight couples talking, and almost all of the shots during the song are of straight people dancing. WE GET IT FOX! You didn’t want too much gay on your TV, and this episode already had two boys making out, and the implication of them having sex, as well as two girls having sex. Can’t let the boys actually be seen singing together after all that. (Seriously, though, the cover itself is fantastic).

We’ve Got Tonite: Despite my frustration with Finchel in this episode (and always), I really adore this song. It’s the last time they sing together, but even before it was that I still loved it. It’s slow, but sweet, and has fantastic emotion behind it. Plus, we haven’t had Finchel duets shoved down our throat for quite a while now, so I can appreciate how nice they sound together all the more-so. I also love the sneak-attack group song approach they took. Having everyone sing one line and then Finn and Rachel close it off was really clever and makes for a cool song and a great performance.

Anything Could Happen: This is a fun, upbeat song, and it’s a fun, upbeat scene, but honestly, it feels out of place. We aren’t at a fun, upbeat place when this episode ends. Rachel thinks she’s pregnant. Will can’t find Emma. Finn still feels guilty even though Rachel told him explicitly that it wasn’t his fault. Marley feels weird about Ryder kissing her (even though it wasn’t her fault!). The only storyline that really had a happy ending was the Klaine/Tina one (technically Artie/Betty too, but since we literally never see her again…), so I don’t know why this is suddenly all upbeat and happy. It feels like a really odd note to end such an emotional episode on.

Final Thoughts: I’ve always held this episode close to my heart. There is so much that happens in this episode that is so important to me (mostly Quinntana sexy times, but a lot of it is the Emma stuff too). Yeah, some of it annoys me, and the stuff that annoys me really annoys me, but it doesn’t outweigh all the awesome parts of this episode. Just, overall really strong and well-crafted. A+ Glee!

#ultimate glee ranking

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popliar · 5 years

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junghope fic links

disclaimer - this is all a bit random, I bookmark so many things and sometimes I don’t remember what I actually thought about them… But they are all readable and worth a click imo.