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worminstuff · 3 years

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mcyts as teachers

in my brain. lol. thisisjustmyopiniondontattakpls

dream smp edition!!!

i got way to carried away HOLY

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Mr.Wastaken - math

he’s that one math teacher dude whos friends with all his students

funky👏tys👏 and👏 button ups👏

somehow teaches everything so everyone understands

the students won’t bully eachother if he bully’s them first.

everyone does their work and then when everyone is done and just chillin, he’ll tell a story or just talk to them

Mr.Blade - english

he’s that english teacher that if you ask the right question they’ll go on a tangent and you’ll get to not do work for like 30 minutes minimum.

Mr.Blade seems mean but is super sweet to his students. (especially the quiet ones)

never makes them do presentations

Mr.Jacobs - history

is 100% best friends with his students.

so many handshakes

Mr.Karl is literally the best dressed teacher there is and is so nice to all his students. he is easy going on grading but is a tad hard on late work.

totally doesn’t sneak off to kiss coach sapnap sometimes

Mr. Quack - spanish

HOLA NIÑOS

gets so hyped with his students.

kahoot kahoot kahoot sm kahoot

Mr.Quacks class is the one everyone hopes they get and constantly looks forward to. thinks like baking spanish food, watching spanish soap operas, and many more fun ways Mr.Quack has thought of to show them different aspects of spanish culture

Mrs. Nihachu - art

the classroom the kids with anxiety sit in during lunch

gives her students hugs whenever they need them

has art her students have made for her all over her classroom walls and desk

drawer full of candy

Coach Sapnap & Coach Punz - PE

LETS GOOOOOOOO

so scary. they are so so scary.

also the sweetest somehow.

the duo is always constantly trying to create new games to keep students active and they work hard to make sure everyone is happy and being included if they want to, or have an alternative if they don’t.

they play in team games like kickball and get HELLA competitive, it makes for a whole lot of fun inside jokes between them and their students.

the smack talk- holy-

Mr.Fundy - furry science- jk. biology

the👏most👏fun👏science👏teacher

every time they have labs he wears a funky lab coat and goggles

his students make fun of him and he loves it

is a tough grader but makes the class easy and makes it a comfy place so kids won’t be scared to ask questions when they need

electives:

Mr.Notfound - engineering

he’s the type of teacher to put up a video on days he’s tired

actually really enjoys bantering with students, and is super lenient with how much they can talk during classes

a lot of his work is hands on so there’s many bits and bobbles around his room and it’s always a mess

“you’ll need the stuff for the soddering machines but i’m not actually sure where they are...”

the students are well aware that class is WAY more fun when Mr.Notfound is in a good mood.

Mr.Wastaken drops by when he has free periods cause he loves to annoy visit Mr.Notfound

Teacher Eret - sociology

his room is the safe space where you go if you need a good hug or a good cry

kids also eat lunch here

memes on da walls and things hanging from the ceiling

talks with his hands and laughs with the students when they mock him and do it when he does

“TEACHER ERET! you will not believe what sarah did!!” “tell me right now!”

Mr.Dude - comp. science

is always asking students how they feel like they’re doing

brings lunches for students he notices not having any

“snack break anyone?” opened drawer full of goldfish

stands in the hallways during passing time so he can watch out for his kiddos and make sure no ones being mean to anyone

high-fives all the time constantly

Mr.Soot - drama

literally so dramatic all the time for no reason

relentless hamilton references

he’s the type of drama teacher to adore his students and have them adore him back. he loves hearing all the unique ideas and loves to watch kids grow into their shell as they take his class

his favorite thing is watching quiet kids learn they love acting and become more confident

students share their own scrips and plays they write and he absolutely melts every time

Mr.Shlatt - political science

the teacher that everyone tries to get mad cause it’s funny

starts arguments between students because he loves to watch kids grow into their opinions and learn to debate with others

teaches them how to win arguments and it blows up in his face cause they start using his tactics against him

Mr. Halo - self defense

no 🚫 swearing 🚫 zone

gives the biggest hugs to kids that seem sad

he teaches in mostly talking ways where he explains everything but he also loves demonstration lessons

he always has kids talking to him about other teachers that may annoy them or have given them a bad grade because Mr.Halo always has their back

Mr.Skeppy - money management

he’s that one teacher that isn’t really close with his students but every once in a while he’ll get a group of kids that he enjoys and it makes the class a lot more fun

pizza party after tests if everyone passes

actually holds meme contests for literally no reason

Mr.H - hospitality

has whiteboard desks in his class cause he is THAT cool

is always asking kids what the drama is atm cause he wants to be in the know

has holiday party’s in class for EVERY holiday. if you have him as a teacher you’ll be celebrating every holiday for however long you have him. he just lives for a good party.

also has a snack drawer

Mr.Frost - horticulture

shelves and shelves of plants. gives his fav students ones to take home

literally the sweetest teacher, every student understands you can not be rude to Mr.Frost it’s just criminal to do so

another huggy teacher. he just loves his kiddos with his whole heart

the least amount of work for a class out of all of them

he’s definitely that teacher thay takes his class outside every chance they get, and the students l o v e it

staff:

Mr.Minecraft -headmaster/principal

he’s the reason the school has like 0 REAL trouble makers.

everyone’s scared of him, but only because they don’t want to disappoint him.

he creates the best rallies and makes school events fantastic

100% dances at school dances sometimes

Mrs.Puffy - councilor

everyone adores her. even other teachers.

she councils Mr.Wastaken when he needs dating advice. *cough cough* Mr.Notfound *cough cough*

literally 3 drawers full of snacks.

is the founder of their schools GCA and it’s the best thing

let’s kids skip class in her office when they have a panic attack or are to anxious to go

had to have a chat with Coach Sapnap because of how many kids were coming from his PE class having panic attacks (he felt really bad, he’s just intense sometimes)

loves to sit in on Mr.Quackitys classes

Teacher callahan - substitute

he subs in sometimes and when students find out Teacher callahan is subbing that day they freak the fuck out

so much kahoot

how can one man start such party’s without speaking a word

terrorizes Mr Wastakens classes when he can and LOVES to pop in on the PE classes especially when they’re doing something wicked fun and he feels like beating sapnap at something

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pdaliceliveblogs · 2 years

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Asks pt1 (TOH and misc)

Haha, thanks, once I was told that was what ‘raeda’ meant I laughed a lot too. I love Raine so much. And I also love raeda ;)

I haven’t really seen many AMVs! I’ve seen a couple animatics, some of which I’ve really loved-- there was a great Blight twins one to the BDG ‘Siblings’ song, and a Hunter one to the Bo Burnham song ‘Shit’ that was good too. On the more serious/less silly side, yes I’ve been shown Little Miss Perfect and Ordinary! The vocal style isn’t one that works for me personally but they’re moving songs and the art was great!

You know, I don’t have anything against it in theory-- I did fine blogging the Revue manga, after all-- but because I’ve been so inefficient at getting to Tutu, I’m not really looking to add to my blogging roster at the moment u_u If you wanna recommend stuff, feel free, I’m just... not gonna get to any of it any time soon....

While we’re talking about comics/webcomics, though, I highly recommend Death and the Maiden (datmcomic dot com) it is fantastic

(the only other webcomics I actively keep up with atm are Gunnerkrigg and xkcd, though I’m still a big nerd about Hanna is Not a Boy’s Name)

Thank you! It probably comes of just... really liking Lilith. And jamming every scene she’d been in deep into my brain and overthinking it all xD;;;;

Eyyyy it didn’t occur to me to draw connections between the Hexas cards and actual Tarot cards, but you’re right, you could totally ID them as those cards and it super works!! That’s awesome!!!

...for they can produce a few notes, tho they are very flat, and it is nevar(eth) put with the wrong end in front....

#owl house #the owl house #owl house liveblog #owlblog #pdaliceblogs #owl 210 #TOH spoilers #asks #anonymous #strejdaking

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dreamteamspace · 4 years

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So this stream I got a bit confused with what was going on with the whole spiel with schlatt and dream, and I dont actually think theres a traitor. However if there was one why not niki ya know? I mean, he kept saying how it would be way more unexpected than eret in the independance war, and literally everyone so far has been thought of as a potential traitor to pogtopia,, except well,, why not niki? She also had this letter to her "dear friend" that sounded like a new turn for her character and idk man why not?

Alright I’m a very texting type of person and you’ve got my started on my hyperfixation here we go-

My thoughts on the whole situation and why I think Fundy is the traitor:

I think from Dream’s perspective: Everything makes sense. I’m HIGHLY certain that Schlatt’s deal, which Dream said is “Something Wilbur and Tommy would never give him”, was that L’Manburg will either cease to exist (become part of the Dream SMP, and we know neither Wilbur not Tommy would ever do that), or that Dream would essentially become leader of it.

That’s why, in this flip situation, if he wins, he wins all of it. This also makes sense, as Dream is 100% alright with Wilbur just blowing it up, too: Because essentially he achieves the very same thing: L’Maburg/Manburg is no more.

Dream is absolutely right that he was never on their side or really on anybody’s side. Dream is his own side. It’s his server. He IS the Dream SMP, in that sense, just like Tommy is the spearhead of the rebellion right now.

I’m also fairly certain Dream will pull a lot more people than they think into this, and I think they ALSO know, in a meta-way, that they won’t be fighting only Schlatt and Dream and one traitor. He’s just letting them wallow in their security, although I have to say he LOVES dipping in his dramatic implications about what he’s doing or will do. In this case, he might’ve managed to keep quiet to let them think they’re safe.

So for Dream: Either they win, and L’Manburg is his/no more, or Wilbur sees they start losing, and L’Manburg is also no more. Honestly? He just has to make Wilbur panic hard enough to hit that button... and then he wins. It would be bad if he loses, though, so I do think he’ll pull together for this. He’s very competitive.

(Lot more juicy theory as to who the traitor is under the cut)

I predict that a good portion of BadboyHalo, Georgenotfound, Sapnap, Punz, potentially also people like Thunder or Alyssa?, are going to join Dream’s side. Sam seems close to the rebellion, but he’s also friends with George and Sapnap, but I just can’t see those two seriously fighting against Dream. If the stakes really are high, they’ll flip over to him, although I also can’t see them convincing Sam.

Most likely, George and Sapnap are just going to stay out of it entirely, and let Sam fight on the side of the rebellion. Maybe the current pet war might change that, though, say if Sapnap develops a new hatred against Tommy or even Sam? (I dont know what the pet war’s at atm but didn’t Sapnap and Sam fight over pets?), he would join in on Dream’s side. George? I have no idea. Most likely he just won’t be there. He doesn’t want to go against Sam (Who provides him with like. Everything), but he also doesn’t wanna fight Dream. IF he fights, though, I’m tempted to say he’d be on Dream’s side, but I’m honestly not up to date enough on his streams to say for certain.

As for the traitor: I actually haven’t seen Niki’s letter (to my great regret, I saw the news float around though), since I’m very focused on watching Tommy and Wilbur’s POVs. Honestly, if it’s Niki? That would be MASSIVELY surprising, and the biggest brain move I’ve ever seen. It’s possible, but I honestly don’t think it’s likely.

They’ve kept their characters fairly consistent, and while this IS kindof meta to say, I don’t think (with how things are atm), that Niki would betray L’Manburg, UNLESS she’s doing a double-agent thing and plans on tricking Dream in the end. That I could potentially see happening.

But knowing that she changed the anthem from Wilbur’s posessive “My L’Manburg” to just “L’Manburg”, that she’s been loyal even when they kinda half left her alone with Schlatt to tax her, and even during the pet wars she never strikes blood, but rather takes hostages and wants a sincere apology... I don’t see it right now. Then again, I don’t watch Niki’s streams on the SMP, so I could be wrong, as I’m not quite familiar with the intricacies of her character on the SMP besides the surface level.

On on hand... I also doubt whether there is a traitor at all, and Dream is just hoping to drive them apart and make sure they don’t get things done as efficiently as they could, because they’re busy pointing fingers at eachother, suspecting eachother, potentially even throwing somebody out once the tension between them snaps.

He needs to win this fight. If he does, he gets EVERYTHING. What they think of him after that point doesn’t matter, so the lie doesn’t matter. They can laugh at him afterwards, but he’ll still have won. I don’t know how many actually highly important details Dream would drop into conversation like that.

Consider, he does have a traitor. Why would he tell them he has one there? Why tell them that they’ll never guess? It just sows chaos in their group, and that’s what he wants. If he DID have one, he might just not say anything.

On the other hand: He might just be dramatic like that honestly. We all know they’re meta-fighting for the next spot in a sad-ist animatic, so Dream could very well be taking a more active role to insert himself into the story and cause some drama. Even if he DOES have a traitor on the inside, saying it still sows chaos. It’s a little risky, but if it really is something they won’t guess, then the chance that they’ll suspect the wrong person might be high enough, and make it worth it.

If he DOES actually have a traitor, my top sus are honestly Fundy, Tubbo, and maybe Ponk. I’m very sure it’s NOT Wilbur, Tommy, Sam, or Quackity.

Ponk doesn’t seem like the type of person to be reliable enough. He’s just kinda in it for the ride, and he’s too quiet to set a focus on. I don’t think Dream even considered him on the side of the rebellion for certain until today. It is, however, still possible. Tommy seems to trust him, and he’s not in deep enough for them to intently interrogate him on his loyalty, cause they know he’s more laid back when it comes to that. He feels only half in the rp to begin with, just wanting to fuck around with everyone. And then, BOOM, he’s actually been playing a massive role this whole time. It’s a little bit of a safe target, too, albeit a little underwhelming.

Tubbo... listen. We all love Tubbo. Tommy loves Tubbo, and we know Tubbo cares greatly for Tommy. Tubbo also seems(?) to care for L’Manburg. But I just....

It’s Tubbo, man. I have no idea. He seemed SO close to ACTUALLY flipping over to Schlatt before the festival. Everyone keeps pushing him around like this innocent tiny kid when he has the biggest third eye out of everyone and is the only one actually doing any work.

Tubbo has stated before that his official motivation is that he just wants peace for everyone. He just doesn’t want to fight and wants to do fun stuff. So of course he sounds horrified at the prospect of having to hunt down Tommy after Tommy was exiled, but happily went along with the festival. He was excited to do his speech. Schlatt actually placed responsability on them for once. He truly did seem happy about that.

It doesn’t matter as much to Tubbo who’s who. What matters is that the fighting preferrably stops, and they all just have a good time. Dream gave the line “I’m very convincing”, so I think he did actually have to convince the traitor, if there is one, to join his side. It wasn’t automatic.

Technically speaking, if L’Manburg is no more, and they’re all part of the Dream SMP again, doesn’t the fighting stop? If there’s no nation to fight over, then there’s no reason to fight. If L’Manburg is no more, then Schlatt has 0 power, and if Dream takes over, he could’ve promised to un-exile Tommy and Wilbur. And then they’re all part of the Dream SMP! No more fighting! Everyone’s on the same side!

Tubbo seems to care less for nations or sides, and much more for people, and for the people around them to be happy. His switch to enthusiasm at Schlatt’s festival came quickly, because many of the people he cared about still partook in it, and he never did hurt Tommy, because he does care about him.

But Tubbo DID say the line “may the festival begin” after his speech, and they knew what that would start. So why? In a way, I think Tubbo waged his options. Who does he care about more? Tommy, to his knowledge, is on Wilbur’s side. He might’ve decided in a moment of uncertainty that Wilbur and Tommy’s opinions of him are more important to them than the opinions of the other people there. Mostly Tommy, because we know those two would die for eachother. They chose Tommy over everyone else at that festival, potentially even over their own motivations, over their own gut.

Fundy, in fact, has MANY reasons to be the traitor, but isn’t quite obvious in that sense. They thought he was a traitor, actually, but once he showed them his diary, he essentially convinced all of them very certainly that he’s not the traitor, and they believed him. Dream joined the call later, so it’s possible he heard that part or Fundy told him about it (They’ve all been known to listen in on convos sometimes to know whats going in. They have to in order to build a good story line.)

Fundy has all the reasons. Reason number one, to me, is Fundywastaken. It’s canon in the Dream SMP lore, they just surprisingly haven’t done anything with it. During the independance war, that wasn’t a thing yet, and since they ARE a thing in canon now... they’ve never actually fought eachother. In fact, as things are now? We’re EXPECTING to see Dream fight his canon fiancé. Fundy officially joined the fight when Tommy asked him, confirming that they can count on him and that he will fight. We know for certain that Dream will fight.

If Fundy isn’t the traitor and doesn’t become one, then Dream and Fundy are inevitably meeting in battle on the 16th.

Consider his storyline: We’ve all been highly expecting Fundy to either punch Wilbur in the face or at LEAST be dissapointed in him or SOMETHING. He hasn’t, as far as I’m aware. He’s just standing there near him, very very quietly, giving a firm but quiet “yes” when Tommy asked him if they could count on him.

Fundy hasn’t expressed much to Wilbur at all, despite heving been left alone with Schlatt by him, despite how much he deserves to be angry at him for being patronized and not trusted with anything.

And, y’know... He’s officially Dream’s fiancé. The others don’t seem to know yet, and I don’t know how many people do know or not. It’s possible they just don’t know, and of course Dream wouldn’t tell them anything, not even tell anyone, this close before a fight. Dream might not even tell his close allies out of fear that the information could spread or that they could turn on him.

So honestly... Fundy seems the most likely for me to be the traitor, especially because there’s been plenty of foreshadowing for it, there’s a good setup, he has good reasons, and it wouldn’t seem like a cheap plottwist, but rather a gradual change.

Not to mention that meta-wise, Fundy has been actively involved in the rp and been dropping some pretty good lines himself. This isn’t something that Dream would have some non-rping person do.

I’m also kindof sure it’s not Technoblade, because Dream laughed it off and half-indicated that it is (Tommy: “I bet it’s Technoblade” Dream, cracking up: “I didn’t say that, you said that”), because he profits from doing so. He profits from them thinking Technoblade is the traitor. And also I really, really don’t think Techno would team up with Dream in this rp. Then again, Dream recently proclaimed to be on the side of chaos.... so who truly knows? I’ll definitly be surprised if it’s Techno, but I suppose it is a possibility. I just don’t think Techno can be convinced to much of anything, unless of course all it took was saying “Hey it’s Schlatt and Me against like 6 people so if we want an actual fight for once-” “Finally some bloodshed and war. I’m in”. I mean, I doubt it, but I’m leaving the possibility open.

TLDR: Dream wins if he wins the fight OR if Wilbur blows everything up. The traitor is likely either Fundy, Ponk or Tubbo, and I think there will be more people fighting on Dream’s side than just Schlatt and one traitor.

#mcyt #dream smp #mcytblr #dreamwastaken #itsfundy #fundywastaken #fwt #tubbo #nihachu #wilbur soot #dreamteamspace speaks

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sylvctica · 2 years

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HAPPY MUNDAY !

THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE ; mun & muse - meme.

fill out & repost ♥ this meme definitely favors canons more, but i hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore , and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. multi-muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm.

tagged by: stolen from @zhuangshii

tagging: whoever wants to, this is definitely a big meme

my muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated

is your character popular in the fandom ? YES / NO. / IDK

I don’t like taking assumptions but so far people have been enjoying having Sylvie around, and that’s mostly what matters to me!!

is your character considered hot™ in the fandom ? YES / NO / IDK

They are conventionally pretty(?) MFSHDFHSDGH I’ve had some moots find them pretty hot so I’ll say yes? Sylvie has also purposefully made their vessel look hot so I suppose it kinda counts as a yes UEUEUEUE.

is your character considered strong in the fandom ? YES / NO / IDK.

Considering they’re among gods in terms of level of strength, yes, though against other gods that can vary; against humans and visions wielders they usually do have a leg up due to their age and fighting experience.

are they underrated ? YES! / NO / IDK.

It’s harder to say with OCs, esp in a fandom it’s like ... I don’t feel like I’m invisible on here with Sylvie and all the people I do write with I do happily and excitedly! So I can’t say they are.

were they relevant for the main story ? YES / NO / SORT OF

Sylvie is written more in a way to just compliment the ongoing story, I’m not gonna be actively rewriting portions so it’s more like they have their own arc of exploration and such. They’re a part of it but not a driving force?

were they relevant for the main character ? YES / NO / IDK

Character dependent! They would be a friend to the traveller regardless, but like other characters, they’re a part of the journey ... so in a way yes, but no at the same time.

are they widely known in their world ? YES / NO. / SORT OF

They were as a god for sure, though they faded into obscurity after their ‘death’ and the setting up of the Seven system. Mostly now they’re known for their stupid stunts, taking on dangerous commissions, and probably their loud personality, but it isn’t a super wide-spread reputation.

how’s their reputation ? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL.

Sylvie embodies good for the most part and doesn’t quite actively throw themselves into scuffles. At most they’re seen as annoying, loud, reckless, non-law abiding, but there’s no direct tarnishing on their reputation otherwise.

how strictly do you follow canon ? YES / NO / SORT OF

I adhere to canon pretty on point, though due to there being so many gaps in the story and little info, I usually have to fill in some points and pray to god it isn’t retconned later on.

SELL YOUR MUSE !

Do you like old gods with questionable trauma that’s buried under a memeable personality and sense of humour? Who gives great hugs and is the equivalent to a weed in being stubborn and persistent? Who will probably give your muse random things and will eat anything you give them (minus questionable soup)? I am here to hand you one old god tree-deer who is lacking their brain cells on some days and has no filter on their mouth.

now the OPPOSITE list everything why your muse could not be so interesting ( even if you may not agree , what does the fandom perhaps think ? ).

Uhh god that’s hard ... maybe too silly? I’m pretty light-hearted with my exploration and RPs and dash commentaries, and Sylvie prefers to throw quips and jabs on ongoing situations, sometimes throwing themselves into a few but otherwise observing and rarely delving in too deep into serious topics. That’s also dependent on my energy though and the ongoing game content.

Due to them being a god, perhaps might also offer a bit of a challenge of connecting; Sylvie sees all people as equal, regardless of their species/status, but there is still a disconnect between a person and a god, as well as them not being very open to who they allow deeper than the surface-level connection.

what inspired you to rp your muse ?

Rock hot. I’m kidding MFHDSFHSH that was more in making them in the first place, in terms of picking up RPing them is mostly because I get the best development through tumblr which is why I brought them to here in the first place.

what keeps your inspiration going ?

So many theory posts... the ongoing genshin plot line is my main driving factor for inspiration and for sylvie and I’ve been having fun ripping stuff apart to learn the deeper story.

some more personal questions for the mun.

do you think you give your character justice ? YES / NO / SORT OF

I SURE HOPE SO I’M THE ONE WHO MADE THEM,,,

do you frequently write headcanons ? YES / NO / SORT OF

Pretty frequently? I do keep finding small things to explore and honestly sometimes I do forget what I have written and sometimes either go more in depth or rewrite something. Sylvie is still a big, big WIP due to how Genshin just is in the first place.

do you sometimes write drabbles ? YES / NO.

I do, but very rarely. I haven’t written one in a hot minute cause I usually just prefer exploration through writing with others.

do you think a lot about your muse during the day ? YES / NO / SORT OF

Tree hot and on my brain all day if it’s not occupied with other stuff.

are you confident in your portrayal ? YES / NO / SORT OF

I’d be worried if I wasn’t considering I made them. Only worry is the fact that they’re much wiser due to their age, while I am here but a potato with only 24 years of experience.

are you confident in your writing ? YES / NO / SORT OF

I’m pretty happy with my writing style, it reflects my way of speaking/tone and I’m happy to keep it casual and digestible, which I (hope) I hit pretty well!

are you a sensitive person ? YES / NO

I don’t let stuff get to me but goblin brain be goblin brain sometimes.

do you accept criticism well about your portrayal ? YES / NO / SORT OF

If it’s something I messed up on when it comes to canon compliance that’s super egregious, sure, but otherwise it’s kinda hard when they’re an OC so I’d know them best. We’re all here breaking canon either way MFDSHFSHHSDG.

do you like questions , which help you explore your character ?

ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS, DEVELOPMENT GOOD, especially if it’s a situation I’ve never thought about for Sylvie.

if someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours , do you want to know why ?

Same vein as the portrayal, I’ll hear it out if I missed something in canon or it bends something in canon, but otherwise :shrug:.

if someone disagrees with your portrayal , how would you take it ?

Bro it’s my OC MFHSDFNSFHSHF. My kiddie pool, my city. :elmoFire:

if someone really hates your character , how do you take it ?

Depends if it’s IC or OOC, OOC please just softblock and leave, we’re all here to just have a good time, no need to shit on a character to someone’s face or to people they might know.

IC it offers for interesting food for thought, especially since Sylvie does have someone who hates them (IC, not on tumblr) and it’s an interesting dynamic when it has come up.

are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors ?

Meh, I’ll most likely go back and fix it cause I’ll see it myself, but otherwise no beta we die like Sylvie did.

do you think you are easy going as a mun ?

I THINK SO? People have told me I’m chill and seem older than I am. I’m just tired and here to have fun so I go with the flow even if my social battery is very low and all over the place sometimes.

#OOC // DASH GAMES.#long post /

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thewhizzyhead · 3 years

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HELLO SOME OF YOU GUYS LIKED MISFITS AND SOME OF YOU GUYS LIKED GRADE 11 (i posted about that musical draft thingy back in march and um yea there have been a lot of changes fjxjf) AND GUESS WHAT DUDES I HAVE MORE MUSICAL CONCEPT SHITS TO RAMBLE ABOUT BECAUSE MY BRAIN IS WAY TOO HYPERACTIVE FOR MY OWN GOOD SO SIT BACK, RELAX AND ENJOY THIS CLUSTERFUCK

@ari-is-anxious have fun with this and i wish you the best of luck in trying to comprehend this-

+ Kasaysayan (which means History) - this is the 2nd musical concept thingy i made (the first one being Misfits) and yea i started thinking of this went I was 14. I kinda wanted it to tell a story of like the entirety of philippine history as narrated by students and i wanted to kinda emphasize how history has many faces and how many different factors essentially blur our perspective of what we view as the past. I also wanted to like draw parallels between what our ancestors have experienced and what we currently experience esp when it comes to sociopolitical and economic stuffs and I wanted to like correct a lot of misconceptions about ph history and provide more insight and info about ph's past (i.e how centuries of colonialism have affected our current culture and overall social mindset esp in regards to our want for validation from foreigners aka the whole #PinoyPride thing; how even though activism and revolution is like the main reason on as to why the Philippines even exists, it continues to be demonized here; the ideologies of some of our revolutionary heroes and presidents and why some of them are dicks; etc etc). Also I wanted to showcase like um PH music, art, and dance and how that has progressed and also regressed throughout the years (*shakes fist at colonizers*) and um YEA YOU CAN SEE WHY I EVENTUALLY AND RATHER QUICKLY DISCONTINUED THIS TJCJSJF THIS IS *NOT* DOABLE AT ALL THSJFHF it could work as a concept album and a one-time performance BUT NOT LIKE A LEGIT PRODUCTION SO YEA FOR NOW IT WILL STAY IN THE DRAFT FOLDER FJXNSJF but yea this idea then led to the next two ideas woo

+ Noli/Fili - started wanting to make this at the start of quarantine so like um march 2020 heck i even made a wholeass word doc for this fjdjdv so it's basically a ph-rock-rap-based musical adaptation of Jose Rizal's Noli Me Tangere (Touch Me Not) and El Filibusterismo (The Filibuster) (yes these two novels are like tne national novels here since rizal is our national here and yea these were originally written in Spanish) but the protagonist of El Fili (Simoun) takes charge of telling Noli's story in Act 1 while Noli's protag (Crisostomo Ibarra) takes charge of telling Fili's story in Act 2. Those two books have very different tones and those two characters have um VERY DIFFERENT world views so i thought it would be interesting to tell one's story through the eyes of someone different and yet also the same to provide a lot more insight on how the events in the novels affected these two protags (there is a Good Reason for this and um Filipinos who studied this in 9th and 10th grade know what i'm talking about fhshf if u wanna um know what i'm talking about and don't wanna read the novels (they are very long) i suggest looking up El Filibusterismo and um yea check out Simoun fjsjf). Like for example, there would be times that Noli's narrator (Simoun) (whose general demeanor is like um a lot more cunning and cynical and a lot more resentful of the events that have happened compared to Fili's narrator) would directly question the Noli protag's (Ibarra) actions while Fili's narrator (Ibarra) (he is a lot more um hopeful and peaceful compared to Simoun) often questions how Fili's protag (Simoun) turned into well um a very cynical and cunning person with a taste for revenge (I am trying my hardest to NOT spoil the novels here gjdjf) and yea because the story is set in Spanish Colonial times here, i wanna focus more on the sociopolitical aspects and problems in the novels and how those still remain relevant here, hence the ph-rock-rap-based music. Also I would like to point out that the curriculum here barely like goes into depth about the subject matter of the novels (esp the sociopolitcal parts) and how said subject matter shaped the characters here and HOW EVERY SINGLE THING IN THIS DAMN NOVEL IS STILL RELEVANT,,,so um basically the curriculum is currently missing the entire point of the novels since Rizal wrote these two with the intent to provide socioecononic and political commentary on the pure shit that many of the Filipinos experienced under Spanish colonial rule,,,SO THIS THINGY IS BASICALLY MY MIDDLE FINGER TO THE CURRICULUM AND ESSENTIALLY MY ATTEMPT TO SHOW MORE OF THE NOVELS COMPARED TO WHAT HAS BEEN TAUGHT TO US FJJSJFV this is gonna be a nightmare to write tho cause wow those novels are jampacked

+ Patron - if this ever becomes a thing, I will consider it the greatest thing i'll ever write gjcjdbc I REALLY WANT THIS TO BE A THINGY AAAA so the plot is barebones atm but it's basically about journalism and activism here in the Philippines (and how both can get you killed fjjsjf i'm not kidding these two can legit get you killed wah redtagging sucks shit and the anti terror law can suck even more shit) and how the youth are expected to be purveyors of the country's advancement and improvement despite the fact that our voices are oftentimes dismissed and even permanently silenced when what we say goes against what those in power want us to say,,,those this is basically Misfit's spiritual successor fjxjdjf both of those musicals share similar themes fjxns so yea expect me ranting about a lot of political stuff here and a lot of talking about the ideologies of past and present politics and revolutions and how those affect the masses and how the masses can shape them in return. There will also be talk on how journalism's role in shaping society and how proper dissemination of information and lack thereof can affect people's mindsets aND HOW JOURNALISM IS OFTENTIMES MANIPULATED TO MANIPULATE PEOPLE'S MINDSETS (STUDENT JOURNALIST AND ASPIRING PROFESSIONAL JOURNALIST'S RANTS GO BRRRRR YEA I HAVE A LOT TO RANT ABOUT).

Oh and also this musical is heavily inspired by both the noli and el fili novels and by spring awakening (Everything I Write Will Be Inspired By Spring Awakening dbjxd) in a sense that Act 1's active protagonist (who then becomes Act 2's passive protag) is named Elias and is based on both Elias from Rizal's novels and on Melchior Gabor (which is funny cause rizal's elias is NOTHING LIKE MELCHIOR GABOR SO UM LOOK IT'S GONNA BE HARD TO EXPLAIN JUST UM YEA IT'S MESSY) while the passive protagonist (who becomes the active protag by the end of act 1 and throughout the entire 2nd act) is named Cris Ibarra and is based on Moritz Stiefel and Rizal's Ibarra (more specifically um Rizal's Ibarra's growth into a very different character throughout the events of the two novels).

ALSOOO there is this one concept that made me really REAALLY want to make Patron an actual thingy and that is the existence of um Shadows in the show. Inspired by the voices in Deaf West Speing Awakening, these Shadows can always be found lurking on stage alongside their respective characters like um if Elias is in a scene, his shadow can also be found on stage somewhere. I kinda want them to like represent the characters' innermost thoughts and the other parts of themselves the characters' would like to hide through how the Shadows act on stage and um yea choreography gjsjf Patron is porbably gonna be very dance heavy so um yea it's a bit hard to explain so i'll just point to Alex Boniello and Daniel Durant's Moritz fjxjjf i kinda want it to be like that. The Shadows would be part of the show's ensemble and um yea lots of dancing and prop moving woo also at times they would be singing for the character they are assigned to like um while Elias would be in the middle of doing something on stage, his Shadow would be the one singing in his stead and when his Shadow sings, that's when the character becomes the most vulnerable to the audience because the Shadows often expose their characters' thoughts and worries to the audience that the characters themselves wouldn't really express. So like um the Shadows address the audience a lot gjxjsjd except for one aka Ibarra's Shadow. Instead of addressing the audience, Ibarra's shadow addresses IBARRA directly, often questioning Ibarra's actions (especially their hesitance in Act 1). ig ibarra's shadow is rather representative of what Ibarra would turn into in Act 2 when they take over as the Active protag. But um Ibarra's shadow still questions Ibarra frequently esp in regards to their risky actions so um yea Ibarra's shadow is kinda like the Fates the hadestown wherein they serve to sow doubt but over here Ibarra's shadow is meant to symbolize how insecure they feel in regards to their decisions which well, as the protag, make and break the show. Also um yea the rest of the characters' shadows also start addressing their characters more while the characters themselves start addressing the audience more so woo switcheroo! Also the dynamic that the characters have with each other is similar to the dynamics between the kids in Spring Awakening wherein they are just kids (well in this cause young adults aged 18-20) trying to figure out life in general and all that so woo

(also I would like to note that I really want Ibarra's role to be open to all genders in order to like make a statement that anyone can grow into the character Ibarra becomes throughout Patron but rn hmm i'm still thinking about how that will play out especially given that I kinda wanted Patron's Ibarra to have two love interests here aka Elias and Clara (kiiiiinda based on Maria Clara aka Ibarra's actual love interest from Rizal's novels but um YEA THERE ARE A LOT OF DEVIATIONS GJXSF) but tbh i'm still figuring out a way to make Clara have a much larger role here in terms of pushing the plot cause rn the Elias and Ibarra dynamic have an advantage since um active-passive protagonist switcheroo so I'm kinda thinking of a way to make Clara a secret 3rd protag that is both an active and a passive one? I dunno fjsjd honestly i'm still trying to figure out what Maria Clara represents in the novels cause I know for certain that Rizal did not write her to be a mere demure love interest so um yea WORK IN PROGRESS AND UM ALL IN ALL IBARRA CAN BE PLAYED BY ANY AND ALL GENDERS AND IBARRA IS PANSEXUAL BECAUSE I FUCKING WANT THEM TO BE GJSJJF)

+ Grade 12 - OKI SO LIKE I'VE POSTED ABOUT THIS BEFORE BACK IN MARCH BUT UM I'VE CHANGED SOME STUFF GJXJJD so anyways Grade 12 is well um designed to be a campy-please-don't-take-this-seriously-this-is-just-for-laughs-and-gags musical about 12th graders (i changed the grade to raise the stakes) that makes fun of Filipino TV tropes esp when related to teenagers while also providing a lit more insight on ad to what teenagers go through on a daily basis in terms of trying to grow into the person they want themselves to be while also trying to change to adapt to a world that more often that not goes against them. So yea it's not as heavy as the other musicals, heck I designed this after Preston Max Allen's Carrie 2 musical (dude check it out it has jenny rose baker and it's gold) so woo funsies but i also like this to mean something. Oh and also this is basically me ranting about Everything Wrong In The Philippine Education System (how it more often than not is really detrimental to the students' personal wellbeings through constant overwork and disregard of physical, mental and emotional health issues, its accessibility issues esp the issues experiences by those of the poorer sectors, the um very outdated info at times, how the system perpetuates classism and a shit ton of very detrimental social hierarchy bullshits esp through the implementation of the star sections (speaking as someone who's been in the "lower" sections and has also been in the star sections, I HAVE A LOT TO RANT ABOUT THIS ONE OH BOY FUN FACT I WANTED TO MAKE AN ACADEMIC PAPER ON THIS BUT MY 10TH GRADE TEACHER WOULDN'T LET ME) etc etc) plot is mainly barebones atm but um yea here are some of the updates to the characters: Kyla (formerly named Kate), Noel and Ella haven't changed that much but um I've decided to give the Halos Lagi Nalang number to Kyla and Max (nonbinary student that serves as a foil to Kyla in which Max is constantly being denied opportunities that they want while Kyla constantly refuses opportunities that Max wants; also yea i'll be talking about stories that trans and nonbinary students have experienced in both of my high schools through Max cause i really wanna bring attention to how the trans and nonbinary community is really being shat on despite the um sliiight improvement in the way schools treat the (cisgender) members of the lgbtq+ community; also they are just as ambitious as Ella (i envision her to be like um Draft Eva + Riley jfhdf) um yea major plot pusher woo I'd compare them to Draft Eva + Reese but um I Sincerely And Solemnly Promise To Not Screw Them Over In Act 2 fjjxfj) instead because they will be the ones with queerness being a much bigger factor to their individual plotlines compared to Noel and Ella.

The other main characters are um Marco (typical jock dude who's actually one of the more philosophical and introspective characters in the show; i want to like um highlight the whole sports scholarships debacle, how stereotypes can affect how people are treated in real life and also touch on the machismo culture that's um really being enforced here esp with him being an athlete and all; also he's really good friends with Max and through that friendship he learns that him slightly questioning his sexuality is a good thing so yea), Ruben & Lexi (i don't have that much planned for them atm because woo barebones plot but i do imagine them to be initially framed as the more antagonistic characters and have that like stereotype be taken apart as the show goes on esp considering that both are in the "lower sections" and are um more prone to stereotyping) aND A NARRATOR CHARACTER HMMM WHERE HAVE WE SEEN THIS BEFORE GJXJD oki but this Narrator (can be played by any gender as long as the actor IS VERY FUNNY LIKE COMEDIC TIMING IS A *MUST*) is based on the Narrator in PMA's Carrie 2 but I also want the narrator to be like um more crucial to the plot as the story progresses esp as they interact with both the audience and the characters a lot more so like um it's a bit hard to describe their exact role here because um BAREBONES PLOT FJXJD but altho they can't directly affect the story they are telling (cause so far my plan for them is like um they were a former classmate of 7/8 of the characters here but unfortunately they died due to a car accident), they can and do indeed influence the characters in it and all of the characters (except Kyla) know who they are (especially Ruben) so um yea. Also the solo I have planned for them is called Live On (which is um yea a spin off of Move On fjxjd) and through them, I plan to explore the tragedy of unexpected deaths and what happens to those left behind (this will be based on observations and accounts from many of my former schoolmates) and how many have yet to move on and how they choose to live on despite of that because they know that's what their former classmate, schoolmate, and loved on would've wanted.

SO OBVIOUSLY I OWE GRADE 12 TO SIR PRESTON MAX ALLEN GJXJFJD THANK YOU PMA FOR ONCE AGAIN INFLUENCING MY WORK WOO

+ Concepts - oki so this is the only musical so far that i wanna write solely in English nfjsj so this is inspired by Fun Home in which there are like versions of characters in different ages right? Over here there are 2 versions of 6 characters: the 17-18 year old ones, and the 27-28 year old ones. Through them, this musical will explore two main things: (1) the sad and depressing reality of having to give up one's artistic dreams and passions for the sake of practicality and (2) choosing to take a leap of faith and try to grasp on to whatever chances one may have left to live a life that means more than just making ends meet. Act 1 has the teenagers focus on Point 2 while the adults focus on Point 1; Act 2 has the teenagers focus on Point 1 while the adults end up focusing on Act 2. Once again, um barebones plot with even more barebones characters (heck i dont even have NAMES for them gnxnd) but i think it'll be pretty cool to elaborate upon the shitty circumstances here in the ph when it comes to artistic pursuits and how most of the kids I know are terrified of growing up because they don't want to give up dreaming even though that they know that they have to wake up. I also think it'll be cool to point out thay even though that yea situations like these suck, it'll never ever be too late to pick up the pieces and try again cause at the end of the day, life only ends when you say it will end: there will always be chances, you just need to be gutsy enough to grasp them. Also um yea I originally planned to post like a shit ton of poems this month that would basically be the lyrics of the songs that would go into this musical bUT I'M LAZY SO I'M THROWING AWAY THE POSTING SCHEDULE FJXJSJD anyways here r 2 of the poems/songs that i wanna make for this:

+ In 10 Years - a duet between one of the teenagers and their adult counterpart which is um basically the teen singing their optimistic yet really in-depth and mature perspective on chasing Point 2 while the adult sings about Point 1, wishing that they could tell their teen self about how disappointed they will be; i imagine this to be um kinda like the first version of Dear Theodosia but um more intense maybe fjdjf

+ Run - a duet between two teens who are best friends where one girl tries to convince the other to run and play with her in the nearby playground AND YES THIS DUET IS VERY FUCKING GAY JDJSJDF this was um originally part of Grade 12 tbh and it was supposed to be sung by Lexi and it was supposed to be about a 9th grade event that i personally was a part of where um 9th grade student researchers at a research seminar at a different freaking university took over the elementary students' playground when the seminar finished (I SHALL TREASURE THAT MEMORY FOREVER) and um yea it was basically about holding on to your childhood while you still can...aND THEN I UNINTENTIONALLY MADE IT GAY JFJSJSF Lexi is still getting that song about the research seminar event tho but um it won't be Run cause Run basically turned into a song that's not only about holding on to what's left of your childhood but also to the people you treasure that you know you have to leave behind sooner or later and um yea the girl that the one girl tries to convince to go to the playground agrees to that and then boom go duet stylized after 21 and Alone Now + I Don't Care by freaking preston max allen once again woo (i promise that this won't be plagiarism gndnd) (also altho the two girls have to go their separate ways by their graduation, they eventually meet again at the end of act 2 so woo hopeful ending for the sapphics

OKI THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY FHXHSHD THIS IS WAY TOO FUCKING LONG OF A RAMBLE GOOD GOD AAAAA SO UM IF ANYONE ELSE MADE IT TO THE END, I ONCE AGAIN WILL SEND YOU A SHIT TON OF CARBONARA-

#ari i'm so sorry but this is like...so unbelievably long and convoluted tjxjs GOODLUCK #AND I HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS TJXJSF #so moral of the story is: my brain is too hyperactive for my own good #God help me #also God help those who are gonna try to read this fjxjs #so woo more musical concept rambles aaa #move on tw #move on #ask to tag #izzy's rambles and shit

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edwardforkhands · 3 years

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Asking for help to become not transphobic

This is a long rant, very unorganized. Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going with it. But basically, I’ve been on terfblr in secret for the last 3 years or so, and I’ve become transphobic during that time. I want help to try and change. If anyone could point me to any articles, documentaries, studies, etc to help me get out, I would appreciate it. If you can add in your own two cents, that would be appreciated as well. I’m not sure how much I’ll respond to replies or reblogs on this post, or DMs, as I’m pretty shy and non confrontational (hence why I was on terfblr in secret). But I will read everything!

Basically I agree with a lot of things terf believe, but one thing I want is to find a way to escape the transphobic side of everything. I want to be a radical feminist minus the trans exclusionary part. I’m pretty leftist and progressive, but I hate being bigoted in this way. I almost feel like someone that’s fallen down a neo nazi rabbit hole, in the ways that I have to hide my true beliefs from friends and family. The problem is, I just can’t find a way to for my brain to make peace with a lot of principles of present-day trans activism.

I feel like the only way to make progress is to first just flat out say I’m transphobic. In many ways I’m not, but in a lot of ways I am. That way when I ask my questions, people aren’t just like “that’s really transphobic of you to ask” and shut me down. I want to be kinder, but I need to be able to say what I think. Like how you need to be able to write out your math in order to find any mistakes. But the way things are now, my math looks perfectly fine to me.

So that everyone understands where I’m coming from, here’s a summary of my beliefs:

I agree with terfs/swerfs on a lot of things. I believe there are 2 sexes, gender is a social construct that is not at all innate, women face female-specific oppression, sex work is dehumanizing, there is no such thing as a genital fetish, I think in recent years that some people are transitioning when they not “actually trans,” etc. And there are some more petty things I get annoyed at like saying “uterus owners” or “pregnant people.” I also disagree with the term swerf (though I don’t think terf/swerfs are slurs). I want to protect women and sex workers. To me, this is like calling people who are against child labor “child exclusionary human rights activists.” In my mind I’m trying to do a good thing for them. Sex work is the commodification of consent— which imo can’t be commodified.

But then on the other hand there are a lot of topics on which terfs would disagree with me. I think we should respect peoples’ pronouns, trans people should be able to use what bathroom they want, using someone’s deadname is rude, for many people medical transition is necessary, there are cases where it is appropriate for children to transition, and even if gender roles were totally nonexistent, there would still be trans people.

Here’s where I think I started to get sucked up into “terf” ideology: I think dysphoria is necessary to be trans. I think this was the “gateway drug” that made me into a terf. This stems from my belief that there are two sexes, gender is fake, and your biology is tied to being trans. My understanding of dysphoria is this: It is a state of being dissatisfied with the sex of your body, feeling like it shouldn’t be the way it is. Like how some people feel like a limb shouldn’t exist, and they want to cut it off (I can see how this analogy is a bit transphobic, I just don’t see how else to explain my understanding). Dysphoria is innate, and would exist no matter how men and women are viewed in society. If you don’t have dysphoria, then what is the point of being trans? Is it to change the gender roles you have to/don’t have to adhere to? Could that not be solved by being gnc? And wouldn’t it be more progressive to push to abolish gender? How is transitioning without dysphoria anything other than reinforcing gender roles?

I’m not trying to be bigoted, these are genuine questions and concerns I have that keep me in terf circles.

There are also just so many things my eyes have been opened to on terfblr. Why porn and sex work is harmful to women, why makeup and sexualized clothing is bad, how to read between the lines in advertising targeting women, seeing just how much woman-hate there is everywhere and how acceptable it is in society. These are beliefs I could never see myself abandoning.

Just a heads up: I use the phrase “trans positive” as an antonym to the word “transphobic” (can’t think of a better one atm).

But with the whole trans issue, that’s where I feel like I might have crawled into a hole that I want to get myself out of. I don’t like that in being a terf, many would consider me to be a hateful and bigoted person. I want to be progressive, and on the right side of history. But there are so many things that I see in modern day trans activism that just don’t make sense to me logically, and some that I view as actively harmful. Like reinforcing gender roles, or eliminating the ability to talk about sex-specific and female-specific issues. It seems every few months things that were once considered trans positive to believe are now transphobic. Most of the time, progress like this is wonderful! It’s good when realize they have racist, sexist, homophobic, etc microagressions and work towards becoming better people. That’s great! But a lot of the times the new transphobic things just don’t make sense. For example, I realized saying things like “bitch” or “cunt” casually was sexist, and it made sense. But if I were to say your sexuality is based on someone’s sex, not their gender, that’s transphobic because it implies trans women aren’t real women, or trans men aren’t real men. If they pass, society can see them as being men or women. But biologically, they aren’t. That’s why the word “trans” goes in front of their name. It just doesn’t make sense to me how it’s transphobic to have a sexuality, so having what’s basically a “gender-ality” is the only acceptable thing now. Obviously it would be rude to go around telling every trans person “actually, you’re not a REAL man/woman!” randomly. But when the context permits, like with dating or for female-specific issues, I just don’t see how it’s transphobic to acknowledge a very relevant biological reality.

Trying to say anything relating to feminist issues in a non-transphobic way feels to me like walking on eggshells to escape a maze. It would be easy to give up and just say everything’s related to gender, sex is a social construct yet somehow gender’s innate, and go with the flow but I just can’t if it doesn’t make sense to me. I know I don’t have to understand everything about everyone else’s experiences, especially if it’s not hurting other people, but I feel like in some ways trans activism nowadays is.

I just wish all this made sense to me and I could happily say I support everything trans positive. I don’t want to be transphobic. In some ways I’m not, but in so many ways I am, and I want to change. But I want things to make sense at the same time. Currently it feels like terf beliefs align with common sense, while believing a lot of principles of trans activism takes so much mental gymnastics.

Obviously if you don’t want to respond you don’t have to. It’s not your responsibility to change me— it’s my responsibility to change myself, and fix my beliefs. But if anyone is willing to listen or help, that would be appreciated. I feel like a lot of terfs start out where I did— initially trans positive, but had just one or two issues that brought them to terfblr, and they come out the other side transphobic. Hopefully helping me will help at least one other person down the line.

I feel terrible interacting with trans people, knowing I follow and listen to so many terfs. I have so many conflicting feelings and beliefs and I wish things could balance out the right way.

#tw transphobes #tw transphobia #tw transmysoginy #tw transfobia #tw trans discourse #tw transmeds #transphobia #transphobic #terfs #terfblr #op is a terf #including the tw tags so that people who don’t wanna see this don’t have to #felt good to get this off my chest holy shit #swerf #swerf mention #tw terfs #tw swerfs

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chasingshhadows · 4 years

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so I haven’t used this blog regularly for like, personal updates in many years, but I’m feeling energized atm.

So as some of you might have seen, I’ve been fostering kittens throughout the pandemic because I’m working from home indefinitely (bless having an international and science-based employer). They are fucking adorable and a lot of work but so worth it. I was having a super shitty day Wednesday and I just went and sat on the floor of my living room with them for like an hour. They’re 6 weeks old right now and an absolute joy 🥰 (If you wanna see pics/videos, I post all my kitty-related stuff to @chasingkittehs on Insta).

I’m still working and have been lucky enough to not only stay employed during this time, but elevate myself at work. I recently discovered that my division plans to promote me by the end of the year without my having asked for it, which is so fucking validating. I love this job and my team and the work we do - I work at a large international environmental and conservation nonprofit. It builds on my skills and knowledge from my previous work at fundraising vendors so I actually contribute to strategy and our team direction.

I met a great guy. Idk what compelled me to try dating during a global pandemic, but I’m glad I did bc this guy is pretty fucking great and is nerdy and progressive and his friends are all super cool. We have a great time and he’s been really supportive through everything going on. And he’s on Tumblr, bc all the best people are here 😉 @slytherinlord223 (feel free to judge the url, I did 😜 tho it should be stated he’s had the account and url since he was 16 and what cishet white guy didn’t think himself a lord at 16?)

After a very long process and a lot of stress, I was able to get assessed and diagnosed with ADHD. Tbh, I have Tumblr and @redbirdblogs and @irolltwenties to thank for opening my eyes to the possibility. I’ve been seeing adhd-experience posts for years and always have this moment of “wow that’s me - oh wait, that’s for adhd, nevermind”. And over the last year I started reading those posts through new eyes and started seeing myself in them. The report was 15 pages of very thorough testing and qualitative analysis and I’m still processing it all, but it’s just... so fucking validating. I’ve spent years wondering why I can’t just do things and why my spaces are always a mess because I was taught that women are housekeepers and why I can never finish anything or just fucking focus and I’d been convinced I was just stupid and lazy and dysfunctional and gahhh this just. It’s not my fault. I was working at a deficit I didn’t know existed for 28 years and now that I actually understand how my brain works, I can start to adapt and work with my brain instead of against it. And now I can go back to my psychiatrist with verified clinical results to get the treatment I need. So. *deep breath* I feel really good right now.

I haven’t been as engaged/active in fandom the last several months due to the fostering and my guy and just the overall stress of the pandemic leaving me pretty unmotivated to do anything but sit and watch TV. But I’ve been obsessing over Hamilton and The Old Guard of late, I’m still utterly in love with RNM and Teen Wolf, and now I’ve been diving into the world of Critical Role (it’s nice to finally get all the references here haha). I’m absorbing a lot of content across the board and would always love to talk about anything, just haven’t been spending as much time on my laptop for fic writing and giffing. I’ll be back tho - I always am 😘💜

So anyway. I love you all. I miss my mutuals and I hope everyone is doing well and thriving and can’t wait to catch up on everyone’s creations and flails. And I adore every name that pops up in my activity feed and seeing some of my old posts pop up lately has been really sweet 😊

#chasing rambles #adhd #adhd things #fostering #kittens #*personal #i know tumblr changed their tag thing so this super specific personal post is probably gonna end up in some tags lololol whoops #fandom #sbctag

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lavenderek · 3 years

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hi, A/3 volunteer back again! i hope i can answer your questions properly, but i’m on mobile so sorry if i get a bit confused. it’s also going to be quite long but i hope you can figure out which questions i’m replying to. let me know if you need any more clarification!

1 - as tag wranglers, we don’t moderate content via deletion, etc - we just move fics into the correct tags, and it’s typically on a fandom basis (for example, i might solely wrangle for something like the supernatural fandom only). i’ve never come across ‘problematic’ tags since most of the time, it’s just sorting tags into like... more general tags? so example - someone tags a fic with ‘kinda fluffy kinda angsty’. we would then kind of make it so that tag redirects to ‘fluff with angst’, even though it still appears as the original tag on the fic. does that make sense? i’m also a little unsure of the other questions you had here - which is totally my fault, i’m in the middle of writing an essay for uni that needs to be in in like... 12 hours and my brain is frazzled - but if you were asking about a situation where if i was concerned that a single user had a collection of fics that were all entirely based upon something illegal and reported their entire account to mods, would it be deleted - i’m not sure. tag wranglers are kind of like low-level moderators, and we’re not what would typically be thought of as moderators since we simply reorganise content versus actually removing it. since the reporting process is typically through the site itself and is handled by an entirely separate team, i cant speak for how they think or what their process is.

2 - it’s up to our judgement as to if we want to report it, but again, the tags we wrangle are VERY general. tags like ‘dead dove don’t eat’ and stuff that are typically full of polarising content arent something i’ve come across, because i think they make up a minority of most fandoms when put against tags like ‘fluff’ and ‘angst’ and even stuff like ‘chocolate’, lmao. i’m not certain what happens when a report is processed and the fic is found to be removable - what i do know though is that with fics that are seen as breaking specific laws (i.e depictions of CSA, slander, etc) mods are often a lot more hard-handed for several reasons (reputation both within the community and in terms of the fact they could very much get in legal trouble). again though, i’m a low-level moderator and don’t see that side of the process. however, if i report something and it’s not taken down, i’m not implicated in any way. it’s been a while since i’ve been on the site and reported anything so i’m not entirely certain if reporting is 100% anonymous or if you have to supply details like email, but i think if you DO supply things, it’s to ensure you aren’t mass-reporting someone (bc i think that counts as targeted harassment). email is also possible to fake, so i think you can make the process anonymous if you want to. as for how often i personally report fic - not often. i’m a CSA victim (which is why this topic is touchy for me tbh), and i don’t like to go through the process because i find it arduous - you have to give an explanation as to why you’re reporting the fic, and i find it triggering at times. i’ve also never been in a position where i have found a fic while actively volunteering that i feel has been necessary to report, so i can’t speak for that either. all of that being said - i’ve heard of and seen on one occasion fics and entire accounts be deleted for harassment/slander - in particular, i’ve heard multiple times that accounts dedicated to purposely like... making fun of? or like technically harassing? kpop boy group members have been taken down because even though their content is ‘technically’ fanfiction, it’s obviously just there to incite hatred against a specific person. so, imo, if mods are quick on taking down accounts obviously run by 14 year olds in fandom drama writing numerous fics where boyband member A calls boyband member B stupid and tells him nobody likes him, i think they’re very likely just as serious about taking down more serious content. that’s just my opinion and my personal experience though, and it’s distinct from my volunteering.

overall, on the whole topic of CSA on the website - it’s really tough even just as a basic content moderator. there’s lots of reasons as to why people post it, and though people are very obviously welcome and encouraged to think critically about everything, it’s a fact that the topic is really really difficult to manoeuvre (culture, who is posting it, when was it posted, why it’s being posted aka vent fics, etc). as i said, i’m a CSA victim myself, so i understand the frustration, but it’s too nuanced and difficult a topic to be able to say ‘ban it all’. however, i do think the site is doing their best to crack down on stuff that is very obviously on there for one specific reason, and i also think generally, they’re changing things so people are able and sometimes encouraged to anonymise themselves by not giving any profile info and to protect themselves by turning off comments completely, etc. i find that you can make it really easy to curate your posting experience so that essentially, you can post but nobody can really interact.

3 - i like tag wrangling! i got into it because i saw a position on the front page of the site and decided to go for it. it wasn’t very taxing to get into and you don’t have to put much work in - a couple of hours a week is enough, and they’re understanding about work/uni/etc. it’s easy to meet other people through volunteering, and they ensure everyone is over 18. i don’t read through fic myself - just through tags, and then i sort them into their proper places. if something is tagged wrong, we don’t get in touch with the author, we just do our best to reorganise the tag so it redirects into the correct place - again, for instance, if someone writes a fantasy AU that they tag with ‘high fantasy prince/princess AU’ and that tag doesn’t exist, we would sort it into the main tag for a royalty AU or something like that. re: monetisation of fics: technically, monetised content is not allowed on A/3 - if someone is advertising their patreon or kofi in their authors notes or profile, you’re supposed to report it just as a general user. i think it’s because it puts the site at risk of being sued or something? but as a low level mod, i don’t HAVE to report these things unless i see them while i’m tag wrangling (aka i see a tag like ‘my patreon is XYZ!!!!! send me money!!!!!!’) and i personally don’t report monetised fics because ... i don’t find it a prominent issue, lmao. people are also learning to avoid it by being like this is my tumblr or this is my twitter, and when you click on their social media they link their patreon or whatever There instead. also, idk who decided the colour scheme! i think it was just like a generally agreed upon thing with the site designers. i also think there’s been convo for a few years about dark modes and stuff on the site, but i’m pretty sure the site has to get a few more things out of the way before they’ll prioritise that (i know they’re trying to work on a better moderating system for things like spam and harassment atm bc the spam filter absolutely sucks dick lol). i’ll totally drop a mention like WOW, wouldnt it be AMAZING if we could have this SPECIFIC COLOUR SCHEME, tho <3

thank you so much for responding!!! this is really cool to know, i've never even seen a post by an a*3 worker before so you're a total unicorn right now

heh uni-corn because you're in uni. sorry i'm tired too

good luck on your paper!

#haters #who is this even #long post

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darkgeminisworld · 3 years

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This is gonna be a rant about a probably toxic friend so if you don't wanna read it, this is a heads up.

Okay so for several reasons, most of them being that I need to move on, I decided to write this lengthy rant about a friend I'm pretty sure will not be a friend of mine for much longer, which sucks bc he's almost my only irl friend but also feels good bc he's exhausting and I'm pretty sure he's also toxic.

I've met this guy like 6 and a half years ago, and we pretty much bonded over shared interests pretty fast. The first thing that bothered me was that he'd always be late, which would be absolutely fine if he'd been honest about it. But writing that it's five minutes until he's there and then showing up 30 minutes after that, or writing "I'm on your doorstep" and taking another ten minutes to show up, almost every single time, isn't, especially since I strained to be on time the first months (meaning I'd be too early bc my brain only does too early or too late, nothing in between). And his being late wasn't just 20 or 30 minutes, several times he was over an hour late. Oh, and once when we had agreed to meet he legit wasn't home and I waited around 2 hours, which I really should have held a grudge for back then and been way more pissed at him.

The second thing that bothered me was that he was way too nosy. He'd ask if I'm free to meet and play video games or whatever and whenever I said no he'd ask what I'm doing and if I can't manage my time another way to make time for him. And the thing is, not only did I not ask several times after he told me that he's busy that day, but I actively told him, several times over the course of about the last two years, that it bothers me and asked him to tone it down. My problem here is only that he didn't stop after I asked him to, bc before I told him and asked him, how was he supposed to know.

Coming out to him went well, though he did ask me whether I'm into him, which... No. Obviously it could've gone a lot worse, but still.

The next is more a small annoyance, a small itch, although it might have been a warning sign. He couldn't handle defeat very well. In most video games he was better, but he low-key aggressively denied it when I pointed out the win-lose ratio in my all-time favourite video game series and he'd try to cheat at other games. If it was only about him being competitive I'd understand, but that doesn't mean trying to rewrite the past by blatantly lying about it and ridiculing me for pointing out that that's bullshit, especially since it's only games, played for the fun of it.

We also went to the cinema sometimes, though if it had been up to him it'd have been way more often and that's another point where he really didn't let it go after getting a no. Whether he wanted to watch a horror movie after being told, several times, that I really don't like horror movies, or just the general question of whether we'd be going to the cinema, he'd ask again and ask what I'm doing, why did I not want to go, would another time be good, couldn't I ask my parents for money (which, to be fair, I could have. But I preferred not to bc back then it was really stressful bc we had to move and renovate and I just didn't wanna add more frustration if that makes sense? Plus I wanted to get my hands on some things, which required to save up) etc. Almost every time we did end up going, it was he who initiated it. I mean, don't get me wrong, I wanted to see some of the movies just as badly as he did, but... And if he can't even accept "no" from a friend of several years (also a 100% guy friend as far as he is aware bc I didn't start to address gender issues with him), I'm worried about other contexts with that word. Also we did some kind of text role play (just texting back and forth with OCs inserted into several fantasy works like the Inheritance Cycle, who would parttake in the storyline, no set rulebook or anything) and his characters did some questionable and even outright deplorable things and when I wanted his character to suffer consequences, he always wanted him to get away with it. Like, his idea for one of his characters "pranking" mine in reaction to a prank which in itself was a retaliation to his character's pranks was kidnapping and waterboarding my character. And he kept defending it as a prank and demanded that my character should just forgive his character, like... It really made (and continues to make) me wonder and worry just how much of his darker thoughts I don't know about. And I don't know how accurate it is but I once saw a post with a quote that went along the lines of "man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth." (btw I couldn't think of a satisfactory way to phrase it so I ended up looking up the quote and apparently it's from Oscar Wilde)

So I spent a fair amount of time arguing with him over that and trying to explain to the best of my ability why it was wrong, and for some time it went better.

Fast forward a few months to the blm protests or more specifically news coverage of it and info I sent him. He defended cops and blamed the protestors and even justified the atrocities of the cops, so that was the first instance where we had a huge fight. I practically drowned him in links and videos etc and some weeks into that I thought I'd managed to get through to him (Spoiler: I didn't really get through to him) so I kept it in mind but continued to have contact with him and everything (bc at the time I didn't know that I didn't really get through as much as I thought).

From there on it pretty much went downhill. We had been thinking about doing a trip to London for a few days (his idea but at the time I really wanted to go, it was around 2 years ago when I still practically worshipped that one author, she who must not be named) and to this very day he's not letting it go completely. Even though the pandemic puts lots of obstacles in the way and I have more important things to worry about, namely final exams and applications. Even though London is expensive as shit and I still have no way to earn money atm. And about the vacation, I finally canceled last summer (and gave the aforementioned reasons) and he completely lost his shit and got super aggressive, insulted me and tried to guilt-trip me into taking that back and agreeing to still go on that vacation with him. Then we got into another fight where he wanted me to cancel the vacation with my grandparents, which was already planned and booked and everything in order to make time for the vacation I'd already said I don't want to go on with him anymore and aggressively demanded (he didn't ask, he sent a demand and bombarded me with exclamation marks) to know when exactly I'd be going on vacation with them. Then he went offline after I refused and ignored the next few messages I sent him and only replied when I asked "what I'd I reconsidered my stance on the trip?". I mean, baiting him with that definitely was shitty of me, but the result showed that that was basically what he wanted, pressure me into still going on that vacation. That specific conflict had been going on for weeks, bc despite me telling him that it's counterproductive and detrimental to my mental health to increase the pressure and therefore my anxiety about getting a job to pay for the trip, he kept pressuring me while acknowledging that he's giving me lots of pressure and anxiety and even using that against me.

He also didn't acknowledge that most times we try to meet, he goes offline for hours before replying and disappearing again. That would be absolutely fine if he didn't accuse me of doing that, which btw is his standard technique and it took me a long time to realize that. He always tries to shift the blame to make me look like the one at fault, and he always, always demands that I apologize when we had a fight via WhatsApp.

And when I started enforcing my boundaries and telling him to stop asking again and again why I can't meet, what I'm doing, or demanding other explanations, he started to attack me for the kind of language I use, so when I'm ever so slightly sarcastic he immediately latches onto that and creates a new conflict.

But this still isn't all, oh no. He's also basically an ecofascist, and is fully okay with sacrificing social justice to save the environment, completely choosing to ignore that the people he's protecting are the ones at fault and that the ppl who contribute the least are the ones experiencing the hardest ecological consequences.

He's said multiple times that he thinks both sides are equally bad, in the context of left and right in general as well as antifascism and fascism and that he doesn't "condone the oppressed defending themselves with any means necessary" bc that, too, would include violence. He's defending the "right to free speech" even when right-wingers say really disgusting shit, he disagrees with prohibiting demonstrations of ppl who think that Corona is a hoax, he has zero empathy for ppl who are affected, who suffer long-term consequences from infections, not even for ppl who die from it (he literally said "people die anyway, that doesn't justify imprisoning everyone else") and somehow still thinks he has the moral high ground.

And the last bit he did was explaining to me, from his endocisallohet white guy perspective, how I'm "not discriminated against" bc gay ppl in my country can get married (only since 2017 btw) and when I, despite the fact that I shouldn't have had to and that it was a real blow to my mental health, wrote him a message that was almost the length of an essay, he calmly started to question my replies with the detachedness of someone who's discussing whether pineapple belongs on pizza and demanding further explanation. To top it off, he said that marginalized ppl have to always reply to everyone calmly and politely, no matter if it was offensive bc the person asking might be unaware of that. Otherwise, he said, everyone would be right to stop listening to us. Like, he literally said that we don't deserve human rights if we're not licking the boots of our oppressors if that way of thinking is followed through to the end.

I almost forgot, he also thinks that white ppl should have a say in whether something is a racist slur, or whether something is racist in general (we're both white, but at least I'm trying my best to unlearn what my upbringing taught me instead of being the cliché of the white person who goes "how dare you call me racist, I've never been more insulted in my whole life!", which is basically his reaction)

So up until this last fight, I conceded some ground to him to end the fights and keep him as a "friend" not only bc I feel horrible when I imagine losing one of my only irl friends but also bc I was hoping I could get through to him and educate him, to the best of my ability, on how to be a good ally to marginalized people. But the disregard with which he treats my explanations why the way he talked (wrote) about marginalized people is absolutely not okay and the fact that he just told me that he genuinely doesn't see how he did anything wrong even after I explained it to him in detail is just too much to bear at this point.

Oh, and while looking through the chat to prove him a liar I found that apparently, to him a promise is a promise, no matter whether it was given under pressure or voluntarily, so do with that what you will.

#toxic friendship?#rant

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theharellan · 4 years

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THE POSITIVE & NEGATIVE; Mun & Muse - Meme.

fill out & repost ♥ This meme definitely favors canons more, but I hope OC’s still can make it somehow work with their own lore, and lil’ fandom of friends & mutuals. Multi-Muses pick the muse you are the most invested in atm. tagged by: stolen from @dansiere tagging: @ghiassan, @deathsreflection, @altuspavus, @windrunnerrs (velanna), @hopewrought, @willbeshot, @seahaloed (iron bull), @asterfed (noctis), @ anyone who wants to steal it! also multis feel free to choose a different character

My muse is: canon / oc / au / canon-divergent / fandomless / complicated (i’m open to roleplaying with non-dragon age characters, and have AUs for other fandoms)

Is your character popular in the fandom? YES / NO. solas is both wildly popular and wildly hated. he’s been more consistently popular than the controversial women in the series, like sera or vivienne, who have only recently begun to get to the point where their tags are less vitriolic (although i’m sure it’s still out there), but there’s still a sizable hatedom that can’t have his name breathed in their vicinity w/o them talking abt how much they hate him. even if you’re currently cosplaying him!

Is your character considered hot™ in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. again, you have ppl who are super into him and ppl who think he’s ugly. my personal opinion is that i think he’s weirdly pretty, and wish ppl would commit more to his unconventional features rather than try to chisel him into sb more traditionally attractive and that ppl who don’t find him attractive would maybe chill w/ calling him ugly. find him unattractive by all means, but lets embrace the fact that inquisition let their love interests have skin flaws etc and accept that some won’t be our cups of tea.

Is your character considered strong in the fandom? YES / NO / IDK. its hard to deny at this point tbh.

Are they underrated? YES / NO / IDK. frustrating as the hate in the tags he has enough fans that i couldnt say he’s underrated w/ a straight face.

Were they relevant for the main story? YES / NO. he’s the reason the game starts with a bang and not the inevitable dissolution of the conclave b/c the sides are disparate.

Were they relevant for the main character? YES / NO / THEY’RE THE PROTAG. regardless of solas’ relationship with the inquisitor, there are parallels and contrasts in their stories and he also is the reason they survive inquisition.

Are they widely known in their world? YES / NO. fen’harel is well-known and revered, if feared, among the dalish, yet at the same time he’s not remembered for a lot besides locking the gods away-- and the context of that decision has also been lost. as solas he’s relatively unknown until inquisition and especially trespasser.

How’s their reputation? GOOD / BAD / NEUTRAL. again, polarising!! he has loyal agents and people are willing to speak well of him despite everything, including his enemies sometimes (depending mostly on the inquisitor).

How strictly do you follow canon? — generally i try to have a canon basis for my interpretation, even if i interpret the text differently than the author.

SELL YOUR MUSE! Aka try to list everything, which makes your muse interesting in your opinion to make them spicy for your mutuals. — solas is an immortal who is simultaneously jaded and very much invested in the small moments of life. far from being weary of the day-to-day lives of ordinary people, it is systems and orders he is most tired of. he walks an interesting line that feels far less misanthropic than other immortal characters i’ve experienced, yet still he’s quite cynical. as a character who has fought against religious based tyranny before, but in a completely different era, he is in a unique position where what he sees around him is both horrifyingly familiar and yet completely new. it allows an exploration of the wrongs of thedas’ society from an outsider’s perspective. his motivations are complex and multifaceted, often condemnable and yet also understandable. his character arc in inquisition (if befriended, or regardless in the case of my solas) takes him from a dispassionate, disconnected antagonist to someone deeply invested in the people of thedas, deeply conflicted and actively hoping he will be proven wrong again. i think his story is a testament to human (or elven, or dwarven, or-) connection and how even when we resist we can’t resist creating bonds with the people in our lives. i personally see this bond going beyond the inquisitor hence why i play low-approval solas as conflicted as high-approval, if not when it comes to the inquisitor.

Now the OPPOSITE, list everything why your muse could not be so interesting (even if you may not agree, what does the fandom perhaps think?). — solas is selfish and motivated solely by revenge, he’s clinging to a past that clearly no longer exists, if you ignore all the people from it who are still alive. he’s totally unaware of all his flaws and never owns up to any mistakes ever. no, i haven’t listened to a single word solas has said in my life why do you ask. he’s also critical of my faves which means he’s #cancelled, there is clearly no validity to what he’s saying. ksjdf no but in all seriousness i think a lot of reasons ppl don’t find solas interesting are just... weird readings of his character that sometimes have no basis in the text of inquisition, but also there are plenty of perfectly valid reasons to not find him interesting. usually those ppl don’t like... talk abt how much they don’t find him interesting constantly tho. they just chill and aren’t invested in this particular villain. for one thing i think the game missed out on opportunities for exploring how someone who may not have even had a body at the beginning of his existence would feel about gender and sexuality, so making him presumably straight and cis was a boring choice. i also think that the dragon age games being very protagonist-centric hurts solas’ character, there’s no real reason why the inquisitor is the only one who can throw his plans into question but making the player the center of the universe means he’s not allowed to change due to the effects of other companions or NPCs. thank god this is rp and i do what i want.

What inspired you to rp your muse? — i have a history degree so when the inquisition companions were being teased, solas describing bias in primary sources from the memories he’s seen got me interested in him. but my first playthrough i didn’t actually take him with me all too often, i think my main party was dorian-blackwall-varric. i liked him, and i think he or dorian were my first friends in skyhold, but my initial interest was in other characters. between his dialogue that appealed to the historian in me tho and how his spirit opinions sort of turned everything i’d felt about spirits in the last two games on its head, i started vibing with him more the farther i went in. like merrill set me up for the “spirits are people” thing and solas hit it out of the park. then temple of mythal happened, and i did bring solas with me there. i found his dialogue fascinating and also suspicious, i’d just finished masked empire like the day before da:i came out so i definitely thought solas was an ancient elf in the same vein as felassan. it was after temple of mythal that i actually decided to make his blog, although like as one idk linchpin to cement my status as solas trash... i was hit BAD by the banter bug on my first playthrough, probably got like a dozen banters total. but then at some point late in the game i took solas to the forbidden oasis and he wouldn’t stop talking to people, and i really loved his banter with the rest of my party at the time.

What keeps your inspiration going? — replaying inquisition, new DA content when the bioware gods deign to grant us a lifeline, but the biggest thing is my rp partners. i wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for the people i write with, new and old. my activity of late hasn’t been the best, work and the summer heat has really been sapping me of energy, and does even during years when we aren’t going through a pandemic. but it’s the thought of my rp partners and love of solas that keeps me coming back.

Some more personal questions for the mun.

Give your mutuals some insight about the way you are in some matters, which could lead them to get more comfortable with you or perhaps not.

Do you think you give your character justice? YES / NO / I SINCERELY HOPE I DO? i have my doubts sometimes, but i think i do ok.

Do you frequently write headcanons? YES / NO / SORT OF? there is no headcanon too small for me.

Do you sometimes write drabbles? YES / NO. but not lately * gestures to the low activity * i’ve been in this cycle where i get anxious abt late replies, so prioritise them, then burn myself out and can’t write the fics i want. i’ve had two i’ve been DYING to write tho i just... need to find the space in my brain to let myself.

Do you think a lot about your Muse during the day? YES / NO. i mean it depends on the day. if i work closing shifts at my store it gets very quiet and boring around 8:30 so i spent the next 90 minutes thinking about character stuff.

Are you confident in your portrayal? YES / NO / SORT OF?

Are you confident in your writing? YES / NO / SOMETIMES.

Are you a sensitive person? YES / NO / SORTA.

Do you accept criticism well about your portrayal? — i’m going to say ‘no’ because like, i don’t ask for criticism. this is a hobby based on my interpretation of a character, if you think i write solas too soft then you’re welcome to think that, but i’m happy with the balance i’ve struck with his internal versus external behaviour and how he changes based upon who he’s speaking to. if you think i’m erasing straight people by making solas pan then ksjdfs. ok.

Do you like questions, which help you explore your character? — yes!!! even if they retread ground already trodden, a) my interpretation may have adjusted since the last time i played or b) a reminder is nice. if it’s new stuff then it’s fun to think about.

If someone disagrees to a headcanon of yours, do you want to know why? — it’d depend on why they disagree. if they just disagree on a subjective opinion about what i took from a certain line, then they’re welcome to their opinion but i don’t necessarily care to hear it. if it is unintentionally hurtful then i would like to know. although rather than a comment i’d rather a non-anonymous message.

If someone disagrees with your portrayal, how would you take it? — same as the above.

If someone really hates your character, how do you take it? — if they’re vocal about it i typically just unfollow / softblock if i was following in the first place. people can feel how they want about solas, but i’ve found over the years that if people really hate solas ooc it can often bleed into their ic interactions. it’s really weird seeing your character being brought up repeatedly in threads with others specifically to dunk on, for no reason other than i guess solas is living rent free in their heads, so at least we have that in common. but anyway unfollowing is just the best choice to avoid getting kinda pressed if i’m having a bad day.

Are you okay with people pointing out your grammatical errors? — roleplay is the wild west of writing, so i think it’d depend on what the error was. coming at me like “you shouldn’t start a sentence with a preposition” would get a laugh, but i don’t edit my replies much if at all and mistakes will 100% happen. pointing out typos is chill so long as you do it politely.

Do you think you are easy going as a mun? — it depends! i’ve learned that being too easy going actually just means i’m subjecting myself to negative emotions to please people. so i’ve gotten less easy going as the years go by. how does one define “easy going” anyway? does asking that question mean i am objectively not easy going? the longer this thought goes on the more the answer seems to be “probably not,” but i like to think it could be a lot worse.

#( long post )#( ooc )#( about me )

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secret-engima · 4 years

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Could.. Could I request any snippets you'd be willing to share? Or something you want to ramble about? Mom Regalia? Nox Verse? Your new LC Seer? I'm ok physically but emotionally I'm still a little shaky; my roommate and one of my best friends was wrongfully held at gunpoint this evening and I need a bit of a distraction from the fact I could've lost him.

hgffgh Of course! I’m so sorry to hear that happened to him!

Lemme see if I have anything fluffy.... I think all I have is angst rn but I’ll check-.

... (okay I have a REALLY short bit on my Seer LC one-shot, this is literally all I have on it, I’ll check for other things in just a sec but here)

Static and fire danced just below her skin, fury stealing away the pain that usually came with stomping around shelving books. Even if she had been able to feel the pain —and she would later, she was certain—, she would have done it anyway. Because it was either useful activity or closing the shop so she could go scream into her pillow and probably make the neighbors complain about her “smoking habits” again. She took a step off the stepladder, felt her ankle turn, giving underneath her for no reason other than the fact that her joints apparently hated doing what they were supposed to and she clutched the shelves with a curse and regretted leaving her cane behind the counter. That had been a stupid move of hers to be sure.

She was so caught in her own head she didn’t hear the bell tinkle. But she did feel the soft ripple of ozone and old stones that shouldn’t have been possible in her tiny nook of a shop, and she looked up hastily, still cursing and leaning desperately against the shelves in search of the source. The man who peaked around the corner was not the one she expected —that was good, she honestly didn’t know what she’d do if That Man walked into her shop—, and for a moment the two of them stared at each other. Her half on and half off a stepping stool, clutching her bookshelves like a lifeline and in the middle of swearing like a sailor in all her four foot eight inch glory, him in his casual street clothes and what she estimated to be six feet one inch of surprise.

She finished stepping off the stepladder, tested her ankles for a moment before straightening up with a wince and letting go of the shelf, “Welcome to the Second Sight second hand bookshop and cafe. Can I help you?”

The man blinked and stayed where he was, with the shelf halfway shielding him like she might bite, “Yeah, I was looking for a book?”

Cyra bit back in instinctive sarcasm of how she might need a little more clarification than that and instead gestured at the shelves around her, “Well, you’ve come to a likely place then. Do you know the title and author or are you looking to try something new? I have everything organized by genre, then alphabetically by author.”

The man dared to step around the shelf and stop in front of her and Cyra tried not to feel annoyed with how freaking tall he was. It wasn’t his fault that Cyra had inherited all the short genes of her family at once.

...(Next up is Stand Strong! I have brought you hilarity feels and a much longer snippet)

Of course, while out in the city proper and on their way to one of the few favored plotting spots that wasn’t in the Galahdian sector —less chance of Amissa stumbling across them and putting a stop to their ideas that way—, a few of the rougher Insomnian locals identified them as Galahdian. Their scents stunk of fear and disgust as they made the warding signs that were so popular in the lower sectors of Insomnia —signs to ward off evil and unnatural things, like the Galahdians were monsters in human skin to fend off rather than just refugees missing their homes—. Nyx and Crowe, as always, played along, recoiling with low hisses and quiet gurgling snarls and flashes of their teeth —because if they thought the Galahdian sector was home to horrible monsters, the gangs would stay away and leave them alone and that was worth a little public shunning—.

Behind them, Libertus kept his reaction a little more subdued, but still made a show of flinching away and growling in the back of his throat.

Tredd went overboard, shrieking and recoiling into a catlike spring-warp combination that ended with him perched on top of a lamppost in a way that attracted far more attention than Nyx’s and Crowe’s reactions. Because Tredd. He could never do things by halves, even when they weren’t actively trying to get the attention of the Insomnian passersby so much as scare off the superstitious gangsters eyeing them with pale skin and trembling scents. The gangsters hurried away, still making the warding signs, and pedestrians shuffled away from them with fear and uneasy disgust in their scents that made Nyx growl deep in his chest at them —rude, flinging their scents around was bad enough, but they could at least try to mind their own business and not take the side of the obvious gangsters that had just left—.

As they slunk away from the scene, hissing irritably at Tredd for making that much of a scene, none of them were expecting to hear the Marshal’s voice hail them from a nearby storefront, “Kingsglaives. Is there a … problem?”

Nyx startled and Tredd yipped softly, none of them had sensed the Marshal’s presence. After spending their childhoods with Axis and Amissa, being snuck up on like that was extremely rare, and while Nyx knew the Marshal was skilled, he hadn’t thought he was … that…

Nyx could sense that he was not the only one in the group staring as he blurted in Old Galahd, “Mamaí, why are you holding his hand?”

Amissa, their wayward Mamaí, didn’t even bat an eyelash at Nyx’s squawk, just slightly raised the hand in question, dragging the Marshal’s limb up with the motion because their fingers were intertwined, “This? Stealth training. He got curious. He’s a good student too, for an arrogant prodigy Insomnian.” She added that last part in Old Galahdian with an amused twitch of her lips, as if oblivious to how Nyx’s group were staring in a sort of dawning horror. Tredd took a deep whiff of the nearby air, prowled closer to the two until the Marshal stiffened warily and Amissa chuffed scoldingly at him.

Tredd slunk back and hissed, “It’s him,” in Nyx’s ear, just low enough for him, Crowe, and Libertus to hear. Nyx kept staring in a vague sort of horror as Amissa raised an eyebrow, “Stop acting like pups,” she scoffed, “I held your hands during stealth training.”

The Marshal blinked and, to Nyx’s dawning horror, looked amused beneath his solemn mask as he muttered sidelong to Amissa, “So this is your standard training method?”

“You are a unique and special man, Leonis, but not enough to warrant special treatment from me,” Amissa retorted in a bland voice that was betrayed by the way her different colored eyes twinkled in amusement.

The corner of the Marshal’s mouth ticked up and there for just the briefest flicker, Nyx caught it. The faint scent that had begun to linger on Amissa’s clothing. It was from Cor Leonis. The Marshal of the Crownsguard, the Immortal. The one man outside their Pack and their king that Titus had ever offered his throat to, even if only in a particular vicious spar several years ago. Amissa, their Amissa, was being scented by Cor Leonis.

And the worst part was … Nyx didn’t think either of them were aware of it. Or, if the Marshal was aware and doing it intentionally, he wasn’t giving any sign of it. Not physical, not vocal, and not in the tiny wisps of scent Nyx managed to pick up before they were gone again, locked down tight in that way that had made all the Glaive appreciate working with him over the rest of the Crownsguard. Which meant, if the Marshal wasn’t doing it intentionally, then it probably wasn’t just a Pack-scenting.

Astrals above please no.

Amissa narrowed her eyes at the prolonged horrified staring and the Marshal was beginning to tense again, “What’s wrong with you four? If this is about my training non-Pack-.”

Nyx felt Libertus’s hand clamp on the back of his neck in just the right place to make his knees weaken and his angry words die on his tongue —stupid Lib, abusing Nyx’s instincts like that, at least he was doing it to Tredd too—, “Nope, that’s not a problem, Mamaí. We’re just surprised is all. This where you’ve been running off to every weekend?”

A half-blink and a slow relaxing over her shoulders as she started walking, the Marshal falling in step with her far too easily for Nyx’s brain to handle, “Pretty much.” She tilted her head, “I was thinking of starting in on group training in another week or two, if Leonis has no problem with it. Do you want to help? He’ll have better luck against you than he will against Axis.” The Marshal made a low noise of protest that just made Amissa look amused. Nyx felt like he was watching a slow train wreck as pieces began to click together. The easy touching, the oddly relaxed set to the Marshal’s shoulders now that they were moving and he wasn’t being gaped at, the sandwich the Marshal had brought in all those weeks ago —just one of many, if he remembered what the Marshal had said correctly—.

Nyx groaned, “Mamaí,” he couldn’t keep his voice from a whine, “Mamaí please don’t be doing what I think you’re doing.”

She narrowed her eyes, baffled and annoyed, and Lib slapped the back of Nyx’s head and hissed a dark, “We’ll talk later, not in front of him,” then swapped back to a language the Marshal would understand, “Sure, if the Marshal wants to, we’d be happy to help. Hunt Touch to start with? Or are we going straight to Night Raid?”

“Hunt Touch to start with,” she hummed, “no need to throw him into the deep end quite yet.”

“He,” pointed out the Marshal with a tone akin to long-suffering, “is right here and can hear everything. I’m also going to need an explanation on what those training exercises are before anyone starts off with anything.”

... (and since I’m out of snips atm I shall spiral back to a few quick Nox HCs for you, all hail the Nox/Nyx romance!)

-Nyx likes to steal Nox’s shirts. She doesn’t care that she’s actually taller than him so they don’t fit right and kinda show off her middle just a bit, she likes them and its the principle of the thing.

-Nox finds this habit of hers both extremely annoying (those are his shirts!) and extremely hot (yes, okay, he likes seeing his wife in his clothes, sue him).

-Nyx likes to nip during make-outs. Nox has never been able to figure out if its a Nyx thing, an Ulric thing, or an all-out Galahd thing but when they’re getting really into a make-out, Nyx is basically guaranteed to pull away from his lips for a few seconds to nip his jawline and gently run her teeth down his throat and it always, ALWAYS makes his brain go hgfdghgfds.

-He retaliates by twisting his fingers in her hair at the base of her head and lightly squeezing, often steering her head so he can gently kiss the pulse point of her neck, and once he experimentally nipped her back on the earlobe. He could have sworn she purred, but he was a little distracted by the sudden discovery that his wife was strong enough to pick him up and pin him against the wall.

-Nox has actually worn Nyx’s shirts by accident, because Nyx doesn’t go for girly stuff, but instead goes for black with simple designs often picked out from the men’s sections of stores and her shirts always smell really nice and like her so when Nox is operating 80% asleep (read: most mornings) there is a 50/50 chance he’ll snag one of her shirts instead of his and shuffle around in it until he wakes up enough to hear her snickering.

-Nyx likes to play with Nox’s hair. Anytime, any place. His hair is wispier and silkier than hers and she’s almost jealous, but he lets her do basically whatever she wants with it so it’s fine.

-Nox has played with her hair too, but somehow this is much more likely to devolve into a make-out session than when Nyx is playing with Nox’s hair. Neither is sure why.

-Everyone pls picture Nox having an Insecure Moment, probably not long after he realized they had accidentally married, curling up against her and gently trailing kisses up her neck before breathing in her ear, “Let me love you? Please. Please, let me love you.”

-And she knows it’s not a proposition but an honest plea and so she pulls him closer and catches his lips with hers before touching their foreheads together and whispering, “Forever. Forever and more.” I will have no one else. I want you and you don’t have to be afraid of that. I’m not going anywhere.

(Hope this helps @rayearthdudette!)

#SE asks #rayearthdudette asks #Secret Engima Rambles #Melodies and Manuscripts #Nox verse #Stand Strong Verse #Seer LC verse #i hope your friend and roommate is/are okay #I will pray for the both of you

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themanicmagician · 5 years

Note

i only have extremely fluffy good omens ideas in my head atm but uhhh snek or regular crowley making an adorable nuisance of himself bc he wants affection but he's too stubborn to ask for it with words

Ask for fluff and ye shall receive! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

————————————————————————————-

There was a bit of a mouse problem in Aziraphale’s bookshop. Was a problem, because Crowley has just swallowed the last of the pests down his gullet. He’d scented the mice the last time he’d been over for a visit, and knew Aziraphale would fret himself silly over the mice nibbling at his books if Crowley didn’t do something. He could have just removed the rodents with a tiny demonic miracle, but the primitive, snakey part of his brain leapt at the opportunity to handle the mice the old-fashioned way.

Now freshly sated, he slithers to a sunny patch between two shelves and dozes. At length, Aziraphale’s haphazard itemizing of his newly-restored shop brings him to Crowley.

“Oh! So that’s where you got to, my dear.”

Crowley is about to shift back when Aziraphale’s hands—warm, soft, lovely—heft him up. He handles Crowley’s python-esque form like its staggering weight is nothing at all; which, for him, it isn’t.

“It’s been a rather long time since I’ve seen you in this form. Belize in ’79, was it?” Naturally, as if he’s done it a hundred times before (which he hasn’t) Aziraphale drapes Crowley around his shoulders. Crowley is about to hiss that he is not a scarf, thank you very much, when any protests are silenced by Aziraphale stroking a finger beneath his chin.

Snakes typically cannot shiver, but now Crowley does, just slightly. Aziraphale carries on with what he’d been doing before he’d come across him, humming lowly to himself some tavern song from the 1100’s as he refiled his books. Only, every now and again, as he ponders his shelving method that’s incomprehensible to anyone aside from himself, he absently caresses Crowley’s scales.

Crowley can’t remember the last time Aziraphale has been so…free and open, with his affection. With humans, Aziraphale bestows his touch like it’s nothing. He’ll smooth hair out of a crying’s toddler’s snotty face, he’ll embrace casual acquaintances in greeting. But with Crowley, he has always kept a decided, deliberate distance. Always holds his hands tight to his chest, or clasped together behind his back, to avoid the risk of them brushing hands. When they get drunk together, Aziraphale always makes a point to sit in the lone chair, leaving Crowley to sprawl across the sofa on his own.

The tip of Crowley’s tail curls as Aziraphale continues to pet him. He could get used to this.

~*~

The following morning, Crowley arrives at the bookshop moments before Aziraphale is supposed to open, and quickly sloughs off his human shape to become a snake. He slithers into the back room, where he finds Aziraphale bent over some old tome, in the process of transcribing the archaic writing into modern English. He’s wearing those adorable dorky reading glasses again, not that he even needs them. He’s so wrapped up in his work that he doesn’t even seem to notice Crowley is here.

Crowley should not be jealous of a pile of tree pulp that’s been glued together, and yet he still winds his way up the back of Aziraphale’s chair to drape himself insistently around the angel’s neck. Aziraphale is pleasantly warm, and smells faintly of coca and old paper. Crowley boldly brushes up against Aziraphale’s nape, and is rewarded for his daring with the delightful softness of Aziraphale’s curls.

Aziraphale doesn’t startle, but he does blink out of his revere. He absentmindedly pats Crowley’s head as he checks his pocket watch.

“Goodness, is it that time already?” He beams down at Crowley. “Thank you for fetching me, my dear.”

Crowley’s human face would be making a series of complicated expressions at Aziraphale’s mega-watt smile, but his snake form is mercifully lacking in the expression department. Aziraphale moves to get up, and deposit Crowley on the chair. Crowley tightens his coils in mute protest. Aziraphale looks at him in askance.

“Really? I’m afraid you’ll find it frightfully dull hanging around me as I set up shop.”

Crowley says nothing, and just maintains his stubborn cling. If anything, he tightens a little more.

Aziraphale huffs. “Very well! Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”

And so Aziraphale carries Crowley around the bookshop as he runs through his mundane morning activities, drawing the drapes, arranging the till. Contrary to Aziraphale’s belief, Crowley is far from bored. Never, never has the angel let him press so close, for so long. Aziraphale isn’t rigid beneath him; he isn’t nervous at Crowley’s proximity. Crowley noses at Aziraphale’s neck, drinking deep of his comforting familiar scent, and revels in the tittering laughter his ticklish touch produces.

After opening up the shop, Aziraphale retreats once more to the back room. There’s a patch of sunlight shining on a corner of the desk, but Crowley will not relinquish this scale to skin contact for anything.

Well, almost anything.

At midday Aziraphale sighs, leans back from his desk, and asks, “What would you say to a spot of lunch, my dear?”

Ever so reluctantly, Crowley shifts back.

Lunch is a rather quaint affair. They go to a small diner that’s recently reopened in the wake of a bad fire. Aziraphale declares it his angelic obligation to give the small business owners his patronage after the tough time they’ve had—Crowley knows that Aziraphale really just loves the diner’s chocolate torte.

As their meal concludes, Aziraphale dabs at his mouth with his napkin, and asks, “Have you been feeling alright, Crowley?”

“Er, yeah. Right as rain. Why?”

“You’ve been acting rather peculiar these past two days.”

“Nrgf.”

Crowley drums his fingers on the small table, then realizes it’s an obvious tell for his nerves. He makes his hand go flat and still on the wood.

“I thought you didn’t enjoy your serpentine form as much as your human one. I so rarely see you in it longer than necessary. You’re not sick?”

“Not sssick.” He looks around desperately for their waitress. Where’s the blasted check?

“Ah, so then…”

Crowley starts as he feels something warm blanket his hand. He looks down. Aziraphale has placed his hand over Crowley’s, squeezing lightly.

Aziraphale’s cheeks are a delightful rosy pink. “…if this was what you wanted, you could’ve just asked.”

Crowley sputters, but he doesn’t deny it. Instead, he flips his hand over and squeezes back.

#my fic #aziraphale #crowley #aziracrow #ineffable husbands #this is just pure fluff #snake crowley

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revisionaryhistory · 4 years

Text

Three Days ~ 5

Catch up here AO3

~*~Sebastian~*~

I make playlists for everything. I've talked several times about using music to get me into a character. I use music to regulate my mood too. I have ones for working out anger, songs to make me cry, things to meditate too, songs to help me sleep and give me good dreams, and good start to a morning songs. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that there's a sex playlist. There's really two. One is labeled romance though. Maybe it should be called “foreplay”. It's the glass of wine and quiet conversation playlist. The one called sex could also be rightfully called “fucking”. Every last one of those songs are for slamming balls deep into someone. That Puscifer song is on that playlist. I have a deserted island playlist too. That's where the question came from. I think you can learn a lot about people from what they choose to fill their brains with and why.

It would be an easy thing to reduce Emma's choices down to songs that make her feel. What I got from her list is she likes words. She gave me a line from every song she picked. She didn't even have to stop to think. The words just rolled off her tongue like they were waiting to be said. Again, it would be reductive to think that's all there is, but I bet words are what hook her. She listens. Most of my choices were tied to an activity. Air guitar, dancing, working out, sex. I watch. I notice how things happen. Process is more important to me. That's how I get into a character, the feel of things. Mannerisms. How they walk. How they talk. How they do things. Current example ~ I remember Emma asked if she could help me find the chocolate chips, but not the exact words. I can bring up the exact feel of her hand on my arm when she said it. When I put my hand on her back leaving her house I noticed she leaned back into the contact. Had she jumped, tensed, or leaned forward I would have know I was violating her personal space. But she didn't. She's given me her hand and didn't move away when I put my leg against hers while we ate. All of this is good because I just can't seem to not be touching her. I don't mean in a sexual way. I mean attraction. I like you and I want to feel your warmth. Accepting my hand on her back has absolutely nothing to do with accepting sex. Neither does kissing. Or touching. Hell, being naked in bed doesn't even equal consent for sex.

Wow, I've drifted way off topic. Maybe not. Back to the music thing. Her liking words and me liking activity. Neither is the superior way, just differences. I'm curious about books and movies, but another night. I have no doubts there will be other nights.

As planned, deserted island playlist propelled us into more music. Eventually we're rattling off songs and giving them thumbs up or thumbs down. It was really good. We laughed and told stories, sharing memories. She hit upon one of those songs that you think no one else ever heard of, but was really pretty popular. Usually it’s a breakup song that you get so lost in the rest of the world didn’t exist. This was one of those. I immediately threw up the thumbs down, then up, then down again.

She grimaced, “Break up song.”

She’d shared hers. I didn’t mind sharing mine, but this was my least favorite. “Sort of. It was later. I had a hard time getting over her. We’d been together awhile. Things were good until they weren’t. First she started saying she didn’t know who she was apart from me. Then it was she didn’t know what she wanted. Then it was she knew and it wasn’t me. I’d been doing the things she wanted, making changes, and it turned out she was making them up. I didn’t handle myself so well. I was hurt because I felt like she’d used my better qualities against me. She’d manipulated me into making changes, doing things, that meant nothing. It was like she was playing with me and she knew me well enough to know better. I really internalize that shit. In the end I’m the one who looked like the asshole. I wasn’t perfect, but I kept trying.” After dropping the lyric that had hooked me, I stopped for a second and focused on our hands. God, I was young back then. Both of us and we’d fought with secrets to hurt each other most. I just had more to work with. Emma’s nail tickling my palm brought my attention back to her and I smiled. “I was pretty pitiful for awhile. I couldn’t get past it, past her. That song got me in touch with how angry I was. Not just at her, but myself for getting so stuck in being victim and feeling guilty for mean things I’d said. So, I raged for a while. Took it out on my liver and my lungs . . . mostly. Then I was better.” The smirk on her face let me know she understood my particular healing methods. I wasn’t very original. Sometimes you have to get high, drunk, and fuck someone out of your system.

Emma excused herself to the bathroom. I leaned back and finished off my beer. I looked out at the dark water letting everything sink in. Not thinking, just letting the good time feel good. Even telling the ex story felt good. Well, her reaction to me getting a little lost in. Another round of beers showed up a little before Emma. As she sat down she knocked hers over.

She jumped out of the way as it poured onto the deck beside her, “Fuck!”

I grabbed the bottle before it could empty and Emma stemmed the flow with extra napkins. “Easy clean up with the deck.”

She laughed, but her cheeks were red. Our server showed up to take away the napkins, wipe up the remnants, and bring Emma another beer. She shook her head, “I have an unfortunate habit of knocking over drinks. Even sober.”

“It’s good to have a hobby.” We laughed again and got back to talking.

I was so wrapped up in conversation I didn't notice a group of three guys approach our table. I jumped a little when one of them spoke. They had beers in hand and introduced themselves after one apologized for startling me. I wanted to tell them it was really uncool to interrupt my date. They seemed like the kind of guys who would understand. I stood up because I don't like talking up to people towering over me. Gives me a little more control over the situation too. Most people will read the social cue of me sitting down again as ending the conversation. They were nice enough and the short interaction ended with a picture so they could post “beers with The Winter Soldier” on Instagram.

Emma was smiling when I sat down, “Happen a lot?”

“Um, depends where I am. Sometimes one turns into many. Fingers crossed.” I patted my chest without pockets. “I don't have a pen.”

She chuckled, “I've always thought autographs were the excuse to approach someone when all someone really wants is a minute of your time. Or your phone number.”

There's my opening. “Can I have your phone?”

She gave me a strange look, but still pulled her phone out of her purse and unlocked it before handing it over. Luckily she's got an iPhone and I know how to navigate those. I get that people like the customization you can do on an Android, but for barely tech literate people like me I find comfort in the limitations of ways I can fuck up my iPhone. Also makes it easier when I'm trying to sneak my number in someone's phone. I'm not very sneaky. I put my number in her contacts, saved, and handed her phone back. “Now you don't have to ask.”

She was doing something and a second later my text notification went off. “You don't either.

I put in her name and was reaching for her hand when our server walked up, “I'm sorry, Mr. Stan, but we'll be closing soon.” She laid the black folio containing our bill on the table.

What the hell? It couldn't be after eight o'clock. I glanced down at my phone. It's 2:45. “Oh shit!” I showed the time to Emma who looked as shocked as I did. I looked up to our server. “I'm sorry. Shit. We've fucked you out of half a dozen table turnovers. I'll take care of you.”

“Don't worry about it. I'm glad you had a good night.”

I quickly pulled out my credit card and tucked it in the plastic sleeve. She walked off and I turned to Emma, “I'll be right back. Gonna get some cash for her tip.” Since Emma had worked in a restaurant I knew she'd understand. Even if they cashed her out they might withhold some of a tip to cover the card fees or make her wait for the full amount. I had some cash, but not enough to cover shorting her all the turnover while I sat my ass here talking. By the time I got back from the ATM she was back with the receipt. I asked her to wait while I quickly scribbled my name. I tucked the cash in the folio and handed it back to her. “Have a good night.” She thanked me and was off. I downed the rest of my beer and reached a hand out for Emma, “Ready to go?”

Emma took my hand. As we walked I twined my fingers with hers. I wanted to walk like this for hours. The simplicity of holding hands is something not be overlooked. Fingers laced, palms pressed together, and the necessity of walking a little bit closer. This feeling. The newness. The thrill. The anticipation. I love them all.

The sky lit up with a streak of lightning in the distance. I looked around, unsure of my bearings. “Is that coming or going?”

“We'll be driving toward it.”

The next flash was closer and the thunder rolled loud. Walking hand in hand by the river was out. “Better get you home.”

In the SUV I waited for my phone to hook into the entertainment center before handing it off to Emma with Spotify open. “Play me your five songs.”

After listening to her five songs I had her search for mine. She did like the Puscifer song. She thought it sounded like stripper music. She's not wrong.

I can not believe it's three in the morning. We talked for nine hours. This has to be the longest first date ever. Unless you count the one's that go overnight, but that's different. This is the longest date I've even been on that hasn't included sex. Or a two and a half hour movie. Nine hours sitting with one person talking about family, friends, and music. How in the fuck did we fill up nine hours? I don't feel like I've even scratched the surface of knowing her or showing her who I am. With the exception of a couple of times it was nine hours of nothing conversation. I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm not bothered. I'm amazed.

Now I'm faced with what next? Imminently, not existentially. Realistically most of my dates end up in bed. Usually I go out with someone I've met on set, an event, or a party. We've got on well enough to ask her out. We go to dinner, back to one of our places to get to know each other. Conversation pauses, there's a kiss, and boom we're in bed. Sometimes there's not a real date before the sex. Hit it off when we meet and go home together. Nothing wrong there. Sex is what you do while you're getting to know each other.

Or what you do so you don't have to.

None of this means I don't want to go to bed with Emma. Not even close. How do you go from nine hours of talking with nothing more than holding hands to naked and sweaty? Well, I know how you get there, but I'm not sure I should. Even more amazing. I'm not sure I want to. Evans would give me such shit about what I'm thinking. It's been a sweet first date and maybe it's better to leave it that way. If sex is what you do to get to know someone, but we're doing fine doing, why not wait. Show a little restraint. I could ask her what she thinks. Nope. Awkward, presumptuous, and weird. Somebody once told me if you can't talk about sex you shouldn't be doing it. I thought it was bullshit. Now, I'm thinking they might have a point.

All this could change with a kiss. Just one kiss.

The storm was almost on us by the time we got to her place. I ran around to her side of the SUV and walked her to the door. Holding hands like two teenagers. I do not know what to do next. I'm anxious and afraid my hand is turning into a sweaty mess. She unlocked the door and I leaned against the wall. “I had a really good time tonight. I can't remember last time I talked so much. It was a lot fun. Thank you.”

“I had a great time too. Thank you for dinner.”

Emma turned back to face me and stepped closer. This is closer than we've been all night and I have never wanted to stay in a moment so much in my life.

I reached to put my hand on her face. Her eyes fluttered closed when my fingers skated across her cheek. I start to lean in, to close the distance. I closed my eyes. Suddenly a huge crack filled the air and both of us jumped. I yelled, “Fuck” and put my hand over my heart. It's beating out of my chest for more than one reason now.

Emma jumped too and we both started laughing.

The moment I wanted was gone. Dammit. I grabbed her into a hug, “Scared the fuck out of me.” Another crack of thunder and the rain started. I stepped back, “I'll give you a call tomorrow.”

The deluge started after I shut the SUV door. That's lucky. I guess mother nature didn't want me to kiss the girl tonight. No problem.

I'll probably get in the pool at mom's and wait for lightning to strike me.

**tell me something good, fun, full of anxiety. This lock down is starting to bore me**

#Sebastian Stan #fanfiction #fanfic #sebastian stan fanfiction

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crtter · 4 years

Note

thank you!! essentially: a group I'm in posted pictures and bios of everyone in the group and quite literally every one of them had a bunch of nice comments but mine and I know it literally doesn't matter but it sent me down a self-loathing "why am I always the weird person" spiral and now I'm questioning my self worth, especially because I put some effort in having a unique post and funny bio. any advice with dealing these kind of irrational gut feelings?

Oh, I definitely feel you. I get caught up in “why did this *insert seemingly rejection thing* happen to me, did I say something bad, do people just hate me, did I come off as too X etc etc” endless loops sometimes and they seem inescapable alright! But my therapist taught me a trick to stop myself from doing that, and it works fairly well for me most of the time:

Every time you catch yourself thinking “oh that definitely happened because *negative thing*” you have to immediately tell yourself “I have no way of knowing that, because I’m not inside other people’s heads!”. Like, every time. You brain might try to go around that by saying things like “well but it definitely LOOKS like it’s X” but you have to be persistent and go “but am I 100%, absolutely sure of that? I am not.”

You can also try to actively go against the instinct of thinking it was something premeditated by trying to be your own “devil’s advocate” and offering a counterpoint every time you think of it. Like, let’s say I posted a drawing I spent a lot of time working on and got 0 notes, even if the people who usually like this kind of thing seem to be online. My immediate thought IS going to be something like “oh no, everyone hates it!” but then I try to think about every other possibility that could have affected this:

Social media algorithms are weird! Sometimes, even if you have that “best posts only” thing toggled off, it’ll sometimes show you stuff and sometimes it won’t randomly.

People might be online and even seem to be blogging, but they might be paying attention to other things at the same time! I know I do that.

People might have seen it alright, but they shouldn’t be on social media atm (maybe they’re at work or something) so they don’t like it immediately, but they might like it later.

Time zones exist! I might very well have posted it at a time that equals 4 am in the most popular time zone of the website.

And so on! I’ve found out that, the majority of times I’ve been upset about something like this, it ended up not being the worst case scenario I was thinking about. Also, this doesn’t always work with me because I can be a little one track minded sometimes, but if you can pull it off... you can always like, step away from the thing that’s upsetting you and try to distract yourself with something else you enjoy, like rewatching a favorite movie or something of the sort.

Anyway! I highly doubt it’s the worst case scenario in your situation too because... it’s usually not! But I wish you the best, and I hope the bad feeling goes away soon! 💜

#answers #anonymous

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suicidalcatz · 5 years

Text

DOG DAYS ARE OVER : CHAP 7

Pairing : Jake Kiszka x reader

Genre : College AU

Previous parts : Prologue ; Chap 1 ; Chap 2 ; Chap 3 ; Chap 4 ; Chap 5 ; Chap 6

Masterlist : here

AN : You’re so gonna hate me for the ending. And the twins are Taurus just like me so I based some of their personality traits after some knowledge I have of our zodiac sign... I’m writing part 10 atm ! Please feel free to message me or tell me what you thought of this part! I can’t say it enough, thanks for the love and support ! Each week I’m more excited to post the new chapter.

Chapitre 7 : Won't you come over ?

Replying to Jake's texts after what had happened felt wrong, but I couldn't leave him on read. Our relationship was great so far and I couldn't sabotage it for a misunderstanding with Josh. What I could do, on the other hand, was talking to Josh. So I started testing the waters when I met Jake in front of the school the next morning. It was the last day we were giving out flyers. The festival was coming soon and then we were all on Christmas holidays so we had to give as much as we could today. It was exhausting but every minute spent with the brunette was worth of everything else.

- Just ask.

We were both quiet before he spoke out of the blue, leaving me confused. Did I think out loud ?

- I can see there's something bothering you, he said without looking at me. Shoot.

With a defeated sigh, I let myself slouch, taking a break from our activity. Jake did the same, sitting on a step and gesturing for me to join him. Not many people wandered outside at this time of the year, and the stone was so cold under my butt I felt a shiver run down my spine. A few more minutes sitting there and it'll get anesthetized. Jake must've caught it because he gently rubbed my back in a vain attempt to keep me warm. I couldn't feel it through all the layers of clothing I had on my back but it felt good nonetheless. His caring attitude always succeeded in making me feel better.

- Have you heard anything from Josh ?, I asked tentatively.

The boy next to me raised his eyebrows in a knowing way before interrupting his back rubs, taking a pack of cigarettes out of his jacket pocket and politely offering me one. He lit his own when I declined his offer, and took his time blowing the smoke in the air before answering me.

- Not after his lunch extravaganza from yesterday.

The choice of words made me wince a bit. He didn't sound as patient as he had been the day before.

- I don't know what got into him, admitted Jake while admiring the park before us. He wouldn't talk to me when I got in our room after school, so we just kept silent. He can be very stubborn and never explains what upsets him, expecting you to guess. I tend to be the same, so I know it'll pass. Don't you worry about it.

Even if Jake's advice was to let it be, it bothered me too much to just wait for things to become less awkward again. Was it really siblings' rivalry ? I couldn't tell. And as much as I understood and respected Josh's choice of not wanting to adress the issue, it wouldn't solve anything at all. I couldn't possibly just sit here and wait for him to come talk to us. What if he did that with every little things we did that upset him ? We had to talk it out.

It was now my time to admire the scenery in front of us. The peacefulness of it calmed me a bit. When all the students were already lining in front of their classrooms, the quiet melody of the wind brushing the trees' leaves accompanying Jake's soft inhaling sounds put me at ease. The singular smell of tobacco didn't threw me off, in fact it mixed weirdly well with Jake's perfume. There was something very him in that mix. Tobacco, shampoo, incense, and something that I could only describe as his scent. Something I'd love to make a scented candle of. Sometimes, after spending entire hours together, I could smell it on my coat, or hair, and at times like these I'd smile to myself thinking how it'd be nice to sleep on his shirt, to bath on his scent.

- Mama are you listening ?

- I'm sorry, what ?

Daydreaming of him when he was just a few inches near made me embarrassed enough for my cheeks to turn pink and my voice to crack a little. As someone who tended to be lost in his thoughts a good portion of the time he didn't take offense in it and got on his feet, repeating the part I missed.

- I said you must be real popular because half of the flyers were taken by the Illustration Department.

Always the polite one, Jake offered his hand to help me get up and I took it this time, enjoying the light squeeze of his fingers under mine as he got me on my feet.

- Not really. But I manage to get along with everybody, curiously so.

- I don't think that is.

The brunette spoke seriously, stuffing his cold hands in his pockets as he lead the way to the nearest entrance. Can't say I was a fan of cryptic messages but I couldn't bring myself to ask him for precisions either. Truth to be told, deep down I understood the subtle praise but acknowledging it would mean falling for him even deeper than I had already. And it scared me.

Nobody came to what Mandy had baptised The Lunch Club today. And it wasn't because of the overly obvious movie reference but simply because the four of us weren't comfortable enough to eat or even hang out together given the current situation. Josh would probably skip it because he was still upset, and getting together without him just didn't feel right. Of all things it would just prove Josh's point, if I had understood it correctly. And I would lie if I said that eating in the dorms wasn't convenient. It had a lot of advantages. First of all, the heater. Comfort. And actual warm food.

Mandy came back from the workshop just as I was making pasta, already exhausted and looking like she didn't have a proper night of sleep in days.

- Are you alright ?

- I'm so tired you have no idea, I worked all week-end to finish a stupid dress.

Poor girl, she couldn't feel her fingertips and her hands were covered in band aids. She sinked into a chair and I patted her on the back to try and bring her a little bit of comfort while she explained everything that I missed over lunch, keeping me updated. We didn't have much time to talk these last few days since we were so busy working on our assignments, and also because I went home for the week end.

- By the way, she said with a mouthful of pasta, How's Jake ?

The death glare I gave her only made her grin grow wider as she set her plate aside. To be fair maybe I owed her an explanation because she got caught in that extremely awkward Kiszka situation last time and she doesn't even know anything about it. Well, she did know a bit of it but we didn't have time to properly gossip yet.

- Well... We text sometimes and he's... I don't even know how to put it into words dude, he's dreamy.

Mandy motionned for me to give her my phone so she could look at our texts and I did. There wasn't anything private in here anyway, just friends chatting. Sometimes getting cocky. Studying her face and biting my lip, I saw her blinking a few times, opening her mouth in false shock, or whistling.

- Oh my, you guys get along, don't you ?

I shook my head in disbelief.

- We do. But there's nothing that interesting-

- Not yet, she cut me with a raised finger. But I can tell you're going there, just be patient. Or maybe be more daring, you know ? Test the waters.

Of course I took note of that. Mandy didn't seem like it but she was of very good advice (most of the time). And she had way more luck with boys that I did. Hell, she even had luck with girls. Being more daring, noted. Jake himself, without being flirty, liked to tease and wasn't afraid to sound over-confident, so being bold wouldn't do me any harm, I guess. I'll show him that two could play this game. But right now, my mind was set on something else.

- Do you know where I can find Josh ? I'd like to talk to him.

Pausing, Mandy squinted her eyes, thinking hard. Every hint was good to take, the school wasn't as big as most campuses, but there was enough students to form a small town.

- Try asking Jake ? He must know, she shrugged. Last time I met him was this saturday night, he was carrying snacks and wandering around the school in his Pjs. Man he must love those cheese balls.

Although the last sentence was more rhetorical than directed to me, it made a lightbulb lit up in my brain. Without any explanation, I put my plate in the sink, excused myself, grabed a coat, my sketchbook, and stormed out of the dorms. Saying that I was running to my destination was a bit of an overstatement, but walking very fast was an accurate description. My coat was halfway wore and hung loosely around my shoulders, allowing the cold air to caress my neck and make my skin tingle. My hair must've looked like a mess because I had tied it while cooking, and don't even get me started on my panting, lungs frozen and cold sweat running down my spine because I hurried like someone was after me. By the time I got to the vending machine near the cafeteria, there wasn't anything I wanted more than to nap right here right now. But at least, I caught Josh on time.

- We need to talk.

Was it the heavy breathing or the way my back fell completely against the candy dispenser, I didn't know, but the boy jumped, letting go of his change in the process.

- Fuck you scared me ! What the hell are you doing, surprising people like that ?

- Trying to chat with my friend.

I kept my eyes on Josh as he knelt to get his money, studying his back tense and his movements stop. The boy let out an audible sigh before raising his head to me, searching for something into my eyes, probably sincerity. He couldn't hold my gaze more than mere seconds before focusing on his candy again, and a wave of panic started hurtling my body, setting in my stomach, tying it in knots.

- I'm sorry.

It wasn't me speaking, it was Josh. The boy nervously scratched his neck, refusing to look at me.

- I shouldn't have snapped at you, it wasn't fair. It's not about siblings rivalry or anything, you know ?, he murmured while idly twiddling his bag of chips. I guess I was feeling a bit left out, got a little jealous...

His voice was barely audible now, and seeing him looking vulnerable and ashamed to admit the truth had my heart tighten.

- I can't ask of you to tell me when you text my brother, I don't have any right to do that, it's just... It was stupid, I...

- Josh, I interrupted. It's okay. I'm sorry too. We should've included you or tell you. It wasn't fair of us, and I don't want you to feel left out.

My hand found its way on his shoulder, and I felt him relax a little under the comforting touch. Maybe he knew I was being honest, because he gave a small nod and a bashful smile, a look I didn't know I'd see on his face one day. It gave me the courage to keep up my momentum.

- You know what ? Why don't you drop by our dorm after school ? We'll chat and have a drink. Just the three of us.

Mandy wasn't bothered at all my our improvised get together, on the contrary. She loved the guy, in a friendly way. We both did. When I texted her this afternoon in the workshop she got so excited she said she'll buy some beer when she got out of her lecture. Josh and I had exchanged numbers too, so all misunderstanding was clarified now, and receiving both of their overly enthusiastic texts got me in the mood too. By the time the teacher said we could pack up, I was already at the door, jumping out of my shoes and tidying the room as much as I could before Josh's visit. He needed the key to enter our building, so Mandy picked him up while I was putting some music, and both were already very loud by the time I heard them climb the stairs, laughing and exchanging jokes while carrying huge bags of booze.

- Do you know it's an honor for you to get invited to our lair ?, said Mandy as she put the beers in the fridge. You're actually the first person we ask to come over.

- Are you serious ?!, Josh inquired, pretending to be shocked. Ladies, it's an immeasurable pleasure to be your first. I'll be worthy of it, I'll behave, and you'll be so amazed by my charming self that you'll keep asking for more afterwards.

The dirty joke made us snort real loud, and even made my cheeks color, as I yelled his name, outraged by his unabashed and salacious humor, looking very proud of himself. It was something Mandy and I often used to question a few weeks ago, his flirty behaviour. And whereas we thought he was a womanizer at first, it turned out that it was just his usual self. Josh was over confident, much to handle, loud, energetic, witty, kinky, and all over the place, but damn was he right. The boy was a delight to be around. We went from cracking jokes, to confessing shameful sexual anecdotes, to having passionate conversations about the meaning of life, all the while drinking, and it was amazing and fascinating. The more time passed, the more I was sure we were gonna be long time friends, and it filled me with an indescriptible sense of bliss.

- If you’ll excuse me ladies, I have to go to the bathroom, could any of you show me the way ?

Mandy got up to accompany him to the hallway where the public toilets were, and I took the opportunity to clean the mess we made on the kitchen, putting beer cans in a plastic bag and carrying it outside, with the rest of the dorms' trash. Living in the dorms wasn't exactly what you'd call quiet, since everybody invited everybody to stay for the night, have a movie, sex, or booze. What was great, on the other hand, was all the freedom we had. We were all 18 or above, so the school let us be, not being bothered by boys and girls mixing, or what we did in here, only sending a supervisor once in a while to check for any drugs or broken stuff. In times like these... we all were in trouble. Like a shitload of trouble. It happened a few times, of course, but most of it we behaved, only throwing some parties once in a while.

I put the trash in front of the building, then got back inside, gradually hearing their loud voices giggling maniacally the more stairs I climbed. They probably had way more drinks than necessary and didn't even bother closing the door to our room, voices so heavy I could hear them clearly one floor below.

- Come on, you're telling me you girls are single ? Can't believe it.

- Do you really think we have time ?, replied Mandy incredulously. Besides, she's more into long-haired, most-of-the-time-disconnected-from-reality brunettes.

Okay. This wasn't smelling good. I had a really bad feeling about this conversation. I didn't want to believe it, but deep down I just knew where this was going. Adrenaline rushed through me when I heard Josh's confused voice so out of it he didn't understand why Mandy was being so precise, and it was even worse when I couldn't hear them at all. My shaky legs ran, leading up the stairs, nearly tripping over at the last step and turning right to enter the dorm, not even taking the time to close the already ajar door behind me. They weren't in the kitchen. Why weren't they in the kitchen ? I heard noises and a low admirative whistle in the other room, where our shared bedroom was. Oh no, no no no no no no.

- Mama you've got some real talent, said Josh while glaring at something.

Lump in my throat, I took a step forward to see what he was intently staring at, only to discover a huge painted canvas of Jake's face. My heart skipped a beat, my eyes went wide. Mouth agape, I could feel all the color leaving my face, only able to stay frozen in place, watching our guest trace the outlines of his brother's long hair on the canvas with his fingers, admiring every bump of paint, every detail of the portrait I made. Never have I been so ashamed in this moment. All I wanted was to disappear, to go far, far away. There was no way he couldn't recognize his own twin. My brain, in a last attempt to save my dignity, did the only logical think it could think of at the moment. Lie.

- Why, thank you sir, it was a lot of work. Wasn't too pleased about forgetting all my magazine pictures at home, I had to use what was left. Unfortunately, a selfie of Jake. We should avoid telling him, by the way, he'll get too cocky.

It physically hurt, lying like that. First because I was keeping this secret from Josh, and second because it wasn't true. Jake would never be my last choice, ever. And speaking foolishly about him even if he wasn't here made me feel bad. It was bullshit. It wasn't a lot of work, and I didn't have a picture to look at. All of this, I painted it using my memory, only closing my eyes and remembering the glimpses I captured of him, relishing the memories... But even if it felt wrong to lie, I just couldn't tell him the truth. It was fucking creepy, he'd probably freak out or worse, tell Jake about it. Mandy must've realized her mistake because she went very silent and didn't dare contradict me when I gave Josh that false explanation. With a bit of luck, Josh won't even remember it tomorrow.

#gvf fic #gvf x reader #gvf imagine #gvf fanfic #jake kizka x reader #jake kiszka fic #jake kiszka imagine #josh kiszka fic #jake kiszka #greta van fleet fic #greta van fleet imagine #greta van fleet

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