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honeyandbloodpoetry · 3 years

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Gender Thoughts Pt 1 and 2

The first time I put a binder on, a little under a week ago, I felt euphoric. Ever since I hit puberty very early on, I felt uncomfortable with my breasts. They never felt right on me, and even though I’ve come to love them sometimes, they still don’t always feel like they match up. I hated how people always looked at them, pointed out how much they showed in low cut shirts when I never even noticed they were--or even wanted them to. They were just there. I liked the way low cut shirts feel and look on me, I just can’t help these giant sacks of flesh that sit on my chest.

Except...now I can! I ran my hands over my smooth chest, feeling bright. I looked into the mirror, and felt something warm wash over me. I put on my new masculine clothes, letting my partner clip on my new suspenders. I realized that I was shaking as I looked at myself again… I looked like a boy. I felt like a boy. Like a man. And I liked it. I wanted it. Admitting that to myself was like coming home.

I remember being in sixth grade, walking around the track for my civil air patrol class. I had been slotted in with the rest of the girls, the boys walking ahead of us. I remember feeling uncomfortable being shoved in with only girls, and looking at the gaggle of boys ahead. The exact thought that whispered in my brain was “I wish I was a boy. I want to be like them, with them.” I never forgot that moment, and how strange it made me feel. How it was easier to shake that thought away, and dismiss those feelings. Except they never really left, did they?

I remember sitting on my bed, crying with my best friend kneeling in front of me. I remember telling her how I didn’t like feeling like a woman all the time. That I wished I could be a black shadow, monstrous, androdynous. Specifically like Venom. She took my hand, did my makeup all in black and helped me pick out the perfect black outfit to achieve that dark, gothic look. I was so incredibly happy and validated. But I still felt like something was missing.

I remember going into an Adam and Eve for laugh, not expecting much since I am an asexual with a low libido. I remember seeing packers and feeling my chest tighten. I never liked my genitalia--I had wished for a cloaca or something akin to that, but since that was biologically impossible for a human… I sometimes wished I had the opposite of a vagina. I frequently imagined what it would be like to have a penis. I frequently lamented the fact that I didn’t have one. I took the box up to the counter to ask some questions, my dress swishing as I went. The cashier told me it was for trans people only, and a girl like me couldn’t have it. She didn’t know what asexuality was, and had tried polyamory once but decided it was bad when her girlfriend kissed her boyfriend. I was upset, disheartened, and left the store empty handed feeling frustrated and lost.

I remember finally cutting the long, curly locks that had frustrated and imprisoned me for so long. Seeing all of my hair fall to the floor, staring into the mirror as the barber buzzed the back of my head… It made me want to cry tears of joy. It was the first time in my entire life that I had looked at my hair and was happy. The first time I could look in the mirror and feel like myself. Then I remember wanting to go shorter, and my barber encouraging me to keep it a little longer so I didn’t look manly, so I could still be soft and feminine. The way my stomach dropped and the sick feeling in my chest only increased when he began to make fun of the gay men who came down the street near his favorite restaurant. I never saw that barber again. I instead found a nice local place down the road from my apartment, where the kind lady cut it all off without question, other than “Why?” and accepted my warm “It makes me happy. It makes me feel beautiful.”

But wearing that binder for the first time? It was as if a beam of light had funneled its way directly into my heart. I felt like a handsome man, with just a little bit of striking man boob, and it felt so right. My partner called me a dashing boy and my heart began to race. I still feel his hand tracing my jawline as he called me handsome, and the butterflies it sent up through my belly, even after more than eleven years.

I love my partner--he identifies as agender and primarily masculine, and has been on the lookout for a good pair of size thirteen shoes to wear with a dress. They also wear joggers and flip flops and graphic tees and can’t seem to stop talking about the ocean and outer space. They’re probably one of my biggest inspirations for finding myself, and being authentically me.

I’m not super sure who or what I am right now. I’m still figuring that out, but I’m pretty sure I’m somewhere between agender and genderfluid. I feel like me more than anything else, but all pronouns make me feel good. I feel like all of them and none of them at once, but I swing between wanting to be feminine and masculine pretty strongly, though I enjoy being masculine most of all--even when I’m wearing dresses and pink. I feel like a beautiful person in a dress or a button down, no matter what gender I feel like today or tomorrow.

I am me. And I am one dashing boy, and one beautiful girl.

4 July 2021

XXX

Since first writing this little essay, I’ve been doing a lot more examination of my gender. I have come to the conclusion that I am transmasc and nonbinary, and am shaky on the title of genderfluid. I am feeling less and less like a woman--if anything, occasionally adjacent to a woman rather than actually being one. I love feeling like and presenting as a man. I have my first appointment with a gender services doctor at my local community clinic for consultation on starting hrt testosterone. I am planning to start with low dose first, and see how I feel.

I am still unsure of my exact identity, but I have found great euphoria with being and presenting as a man. I love being a man and everything that entails. I have loved myself like never before. Being with my partner is amazing, and he has been endlessly supportive--even recounting little things they had noticed throughout the years. One of the funniest being that I only ever referred to my body parts--my belly, hands, hair, genitalia--with masculine pronouns. I always seemed to see my body as male even if I had a certain sort of dissonance from it.

Coming out has been difficult. I have had both positive and negative experiences from it. I have been told going on testosterone would be self harm, and that I can’t be something I’m not. I’ve had coworkers I trusted out me without my permission. But I have also had positive affirmation, polite questions, and discussions. I am terrified to tell my mother and her boyfriend--I have no idea how they will react and am terrified that I will be disrespected and disowned.

But I am prepared to do whatever it takes to be my happiest and most authentic self.

I have been binding a lot more often, wearing sports bras for long shifts at work, and occasionally going without either when I feel like letting my man boobs hang free. I’ve had the delightful experience of going to a men’s big and tall store and finally wearing pants. I grew up as a fat girl and felt as if I had to perform high femininity to be taken seriously and be treated well--and had been told by someone I trusted that I was too fat to wear pants, which I heavily internalized. So I had completely cast them away in favor of dresses and skirts, bows and gaudy jewelry. Realizing that I could wear pants was...totally wild. That I could be comfortable and look good in pants and shorts, and that it didn’t matter what people did or thought of me was life changing. Maybe I’ll feel like being feminine again someday, but right now this masculinity and masculine clothing, with perhaps the added spice of funky earrings, feels like home.

I also grew up autistic and with PCOS, both which I think have affected my gender identity. Being autistic, I truly struggled to connect to others socially, and especially to understand societal norms. Being a proper woman felt like I was making up for everything else I was lacking--I may have been awkward, semi-verbal and weird with no friends, but at least I was cute and girlish. I never connected to womanhood though, and always felt out of place no matter how hard I tried. With PCOS, I had heightened testosterone, which meant wider breasts and shoulders, a lack of periods, and excessive body hair. I recall the endocrinologist asking high school age me if I had excessive body hair around my stomach, breasts, etc. and my mother jumping to say no I didn’t...even though I did. I remember suddenly feeling very self aware and ashamed of something completely natural, and even something I started to enjoy. I started shaving my entire body then.

I even remember being in middle school, and thinking nothing of my hairy legs. In fact, I loved my body hair and how it felt. A rude girl began making fun of me though, tutting her tongue as she cooed, “Aw, does your mommy not let you shave?” Among other things, all throughout many years of severe bullying and abuse. I remember feeling ashamed, but not knowing why, and immediately shaving my legs, covering them in nicks from my shaky and unsteady hands, that same night.

So many things set me back in my gender expression. So many things contributed to me willful ignorance and denial. I remember wanting to be butch, and everyone in my life laughing at me and saying I was too soft for that. That sweet, sharp ache in my chest. I remember going to a salad bar with my mother, wearing a button up and telling her I wanted to wear some more boyish clothes around that same time--I had already told her that I was bi sometime earlier. I remember her lip curling, looking uncomfortable, and telling me that I better not become one of those boy girls. My late father was very vocal in denouncing homosexuality and specifically men loving men--something which always sat horribly wrong with me on a deeper level.

I think I might ending up being a trans man. I am still unsure and figuring myself out, but I struggle greatly with the autistic need for sameness vs. the trans need for change. My sapphic love of women has always been very important to me, and fully becoming a man rather than genderfluid is scary for that very reason. I am still navigating my identity and what it means to me and my reality--but no matter what, being a man, being masculine is integral to who I am.

I was called a “sir” at a job interview for the first time the other day, and nearly began to bawl from sheer joy. The gender euphoria from that and so many moments is worth so much more to me than the years of suffering and ignorance and my ongoing struggles with dysphoria. I finally got a packer and have had help from my partner in learning to position it properly--I am thinking of cutting my hair even shorter. I have almost perfected a pretty basic tie tying skill. Okay, not really, but I’m getting there. I feel deep inside that even though my father loved me, he would not like who and what I am. Still, I wear the last watch he ever wore, and hope to be a good man like him--and to learn from the toxic parts of him to be an even better man.

I am very excited to start hrt. I am terrified of hair loss and vaginal atrophy, but I look forward to so much more. I cannot wait for bottom growth and body hair, for the voice drop that will hopefully get me misgendered less. I have always felt disconnected from my voice and look forward to getting to know it better as it changes with me. I look forward to meeting with new facial hair. Working out and growing muscle. I just look forward to my second puberty and becoming more like myself. I look forward to navigating and exploring my gender even further, both with loved ones, support groups, and myself.

More than anything, I am just happy to be me.

25 August 2021

#transmasc #ftm #ftx #gender #genderqueer #transgender #trans #lgbt #lgbtq #trans man #nonbinary #genderfluid #poets of tumblr #spilled thoughts #gender expression #low dose t #hrt

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binniesthighs · 3 years

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eehee here it is the long awaited results of my chaotic ass survey about our hornies it’s so long holy heck, but I have seperated it into a couple sections to make sense of it all (omg if you read all of it lemme give you a kith teehee) ahhhh lol its SO nerdy haha but i hope that ya enjoy nonetheless! ✨

In this essay, I will....(hahah jk jk this is just all for fun)

1. Demographics Analysis

2. Polls on Fic Content

3. Member Specific Analysis

4. Deep Dive into the Juicy Questions (Confessions)

5. General Thoughts and Conclusion

6. Cute shit that ya’ll said that made me giggle

*Unpopular opinions will be made into their own post to give them ample space and analysis!

Other Notes:

Out of 100 individuals surveyed, 44 were readers, 2 were only writers, and 54 were both readers and writers.

Statistical significance can be effected by sampling, selection, and response bias (yeah i took a stats class teehee) and personal biases

All the the opinions and other analysis presented by me (Ro/binniesthighs) are purely my own oponion and are not factual. you are entitled to interpret all of this information however you like! Anything that i analyze is not definitive!

while this survey is mostly about stay smutblr, i hope that it can also maybe serve as a template for other fandoms as well with the more general questions! this is a survey for everyone!

i’d love to hear about what you think about anything presented in this analysis! feel free to send me an ask or comment! reposting is permitted within tumblr or on other platforms if proper credit is given! ❤️ (uwu hehe if you could please help me spread this i would appreciate it so much! i worked really hard on her 🥺)

1. Demographics Analysis:

Gender Identities of those Surveyed

~My thoughts: this really came as no surprise to me considering how the majority of kpop fans (especially boy group fans) identify as female! Seeing as I am a Stray Kids/Seventeen blog (both of them boy groups) it makes sense to me that my readers would mostly identify as female!

Another important thing to note (from a writer standpoint at least) is the wide array of identities that we still have present within the general audience of stay smut blur (SSB)! I’ll get into this later when i discuss favorite pairings to read, however i think that this gives us one more reason to write for a diverse audience of readers who can identify with different types of self-insert fics!

Top Five:

Female (81%)

Non-binary/gender non-conforming (13%)

Changes by the day (6%)

Male (4%)

Demiboy/Demigirl (3%)

Sexual Orientation of those Surveyed

Other identities mentioned:

????, unlabeled, aromatic bisexual, bicurious, demisexual, “just liking who i like”, experimenting, heteroflexible, sapiosexual, depends day by day, “i just like anyone”

~My thoughts: okkkkk i see us gays of SSB 😏 these demographics were really exciting for me to see! i think that it’s super cool that we have such representation across the board when it comes to sexual orientations present in our community! As someone who personally identifies as pan, this was super comforting to see that there are so many others like me in this little space of the internet! I think it’s safe to say at least from my lil survey that all the bi cuties out here own SSB 💗💜💙

From a literal standpoint, it also makes sense to me that heterosexuality is strongly present as well considering that often the pairs that we read are male idol x female reader so this is the perfect niche!

Top Five:

Bisexual (40.8%)

Heterosexual (26.5)

Pansexual (17.3%)

Queer (7.1%)

Asexual (4.1%)

Stay Creators!!

~My thoughts: this one i was THRILLED at seeing oml hahaha and i was so interested to see that this was nearly an even split!

I think that there’s something to be said about how sometimes we can take our hobbies: (movies, videogames, books, kpop, anime etc)--all things which we really like in totally normal and healthy ways but also kinda like....get hornies about them too? if that makes sense? for example, i have a friend who really likes certain video games/characters from these games as a fan and he’s shared with me that he also doesn’t mind watching porn containing those same characters! (ahahah ya all know what i mean don’t even lie haha)

what this question proved to me as that there are stays out there who practice “being a stay/being a stay creator” who also are interested in the more...horny side of this hobby/interest 😂

what is even more interesting to me is who i wonder if i’ve have consumed any of ya’ll’s content while you have consumed mine??? this i am DYING to know aha but it think its best for all of us to stay anonymous teehee ;)

either way, good on ya for doing what ya do!! you are so so treasured in this community too!! <3

2. Polls on Fic Content (a long section lol)

Favorite Pairing to Read

*other options selected were rankings of favorite pairings so i just added each of them as an entry to the respective category mentioned.

Top Five:

Idol x female reader (69%)

Idol x gender neutral reader (19%)

Idol x reader x Idol (poly r/ship) (14%)

Idol x reader, Idol x reader (threesome, not much interaction between the two idols) (8%)

~My thoughts: once again, this category was pretty self explanatory to me considering that the majority of readers are female identifying, so it would make sense that they would prefer to read smut that aligns with their identity! This is also super present anyway of SSB as i do feel like the majority of writing pieces that I do come along are idol x female reader, and most authors too often disclaim that they are the most comfortable writing this type of pairing as well.

What’s signficant as well is the interest in reading fics with gender neutral reader self inserts as well! this is my personal philosophy when it comes to writing (specifically with requests) but i think that writing gn!reader is always the safest bet to go as to not make assumptions about readers! for writers i think that seeing this 19% is something important to take into consideration!

An outlier to me with this demographic was the “poly r-ship” poll garnering a notable 14% in comparison to the idol x idol option which got 10 less votes (4%). what is a little confusing to me about this is how poly r/ships often (but not always) contain idol x idol content, however there is discrepancy with the amount of readers outright saying that they enjoy reading it alone. I’ll get into poly fics later with the unpopular opinions section--however i wanted to plant the seed here hehe. One other caveat to this is the fact that on SSB i feel like idol x idol content is really in the minority and is much more present on a platform like AO3 so this could be another explaination!

What is kinda cute to me is the fact that readers do really like poly r-ship dynamics more than a threesome (as i defined it, “with less interaction”) so this makes me feel like we are all saps for the fluff that comes with poly r-ship fics ;)

Favorite Kind of Smut to Read

male idol smut (67%)

i read both! (female and male idol smut) (25%)

depends on my mood (7%)

female idol smut (1%)

~My thoughts: Again, this is super expected to me as well considering the above statistics. Since i am a skz blog (a boy group) --as are my moots-- it really makes sense that those who filled out this survey would be into male idol smut!

what was cool for me to see as well was the number of readers who also read female idol smut as well as male idol smut! personally, i more predominately a fan of boy groups compared to the amount of girl group content that I consume (note: i do also consume gg content). because of this, i think that its really up to personal preferences and the content that you consume that can be reflective of the smut content that you consume as well and ya know, whoever gets your hornies going ;)

Favorite Genres...Ranked!

*so this was my fault lol i totally formatted this question poorly in google forms so i’ll try to summarize the most popular rankings with my words haha

*bc of the way that i miffed it (lol) i wasn’t able to get exact measurements, but rough ones!

Top Five:

Smut, fluff, angst

smut n’ fluff (with specific emphasis angst is not desired)

smut, angst, fluff,

fluff, smut, angst,

angst, fluff, smut

~My thoughts: by far, the most popular ranking that i saw was as follows: smut, fluff, angst. i saw this sososos many times haha also...ya’ll got really creative with your rankings and it made me giggle hehe. So! seeing as this is stay smutblr haha makes total sense that the three most popular rankings that we have were lead by smut! since we’re here for the hornies, i totally get this.

as for the “smut n’ fluff” or “fluffy smut” category, there was a decent amount of readers that expressed that this mixture is their fave! i’m kinda looping this with the “mixture” option that i also provided for this question since this was the most popular mixture that i was able to observe along with angst + smut. interestingly, i saw a couple mentions of “hurt/comfort” fics with this question too so this went well with this preference. as for number three on this list, we dip into that smut + angst category that I just mentioned as well. there were several individuals who said that they really really enjoy reading smut with angst!

lastly we get to the four and five on the list: four being fluff, smut and angst. i think this category can also properly represent the folx who tend to like more fluffy fics over the smutty ones, but that can also have suggestive themes too! in five, we have angst, fluff and smut which also is representative of another theme that i saw: as far as plot goes, several people mentioned that they liked fics that start with angst, get fluffier, and then end up in smut, so i think that this could be easily compared!

*there were also several readers who simply said “all of them” or opted not to rank, (lol me) so this really shows the variability in results!

Cute stuff ya’ll said (kind of out of context too LOL)

“... hehE I HOPE THIS MAKES SENSE.”

“...I KNOW IT [my ranking] LOOKS TERRIBLY SPECIFIC AND IM SO SORRY and I guess the better way to describe that was one that has all 3 with a happy ending lol my b my b.”

“ ...it just depends on the mood my dude.”

“... (the smut doesn’t have to be soft i just want the relationship to be soft and i want aftercare and general affection).”

“(but almost no angst oops)”

“angst honestly makes me so sad.”

“... but long fics with angst and slow burn smut/fluff is just WOW.”

“ my favourite thing is when it's fluffy smut tbh with a little bit of angsty backstory. that is *chefs kiss*”

“(I'm a sucker for good angsty fics but I cant seem to find them???)”

“Smut, Fluff, Angst (I tend to be a bit of a purist so no mixture here).”

“(i can't read pure angst lol) “

“(I love how much plot there is in angsty fics but I personally can't read anything without a happy ending, i just can't take it)”

“ i literally couldn't rank them bc my mood is always changing lmaooo.”

“ smut, fluff, angst. i know what i’m about.”

Favorite Length of Fics

Top Five:

5k-8k words (27%)

2k-4k words (25%)

1k-2k words (20%)

10k-20k words (15%)

20k words (12%)

~My thoughts: this one was super helpful for me to see!! and writers i hope that this is helpful for you too! as someone who tends to rambles (lol) it was very comforting for me to see that long-ish fics are actually preferred! what is really cool about this data too is that it is all super well balanced for the most part and nearly edqual in some parts! how i see this, i think that when it comes to preferences of length, its really reader specific so anyone could like anything! this goes into a little bit the slow burn question that i asked as well too, but it’s really cool to see that when readers do read, they kinda like something to sink their teeth into!

i wanted to look into how long it takes you to read these words, and it appears that on average, a 5-8k fic can take someone 30 mins to read whereas a 2-4k fic takes about 15mins! idk if this says something about attention spans, but as a writer it warms my heart to know that you’re willing to spend 30 minutes of your time reading something that i wrote! 🥺

another thing i wanted to bring up is the “hard and fast” smut readers--those who like to get straight to the point, get right to business and to the juice! they are also a decently large group too! as for readers who like a nice long fic or a chaptered fic, they are super close in numbers! from this, it’s safe for me to assume that maybe those who like reading longer fics are more inclined to strap in for the long haul with chaptered fics too!

Favorite AUs to Read

*the top category that got cut off (thank you google forms lol) is friends to lovers! the one that says “...love” at 48% is enemies to lovers, and the one that has a blanked out title at 35% is strangers to lovers!

Top Five:

friends to lovers (65%)

enemies to lovers (48%)

high school/college au (40%)

roommates/neighbors to lovers (38%)

strangers to lovers (35%)

Other AUs mentioned by you!

office au, royal au, vampire au, fake date, idol au, slice of life, boarding school au, childhood friends, soulmate au

~My thoughts: ok ok so this was RAD to see! i often wonder myself the kinds of aus that my readers would like to see so this was really helpful! circling back on how readers tend to favor fluff n’ smut (friends to lovers) and angst n’ smut (enemies to lovers) i think that we’re seeing some more themes here teehee.

i like to think that since most of us are of the college age, the college au is super relatable therefore we really like to read it! not to mention that college and high school au’s are super duper cute as well! this is also relatable to the roommates/neighbors to lovers category which is also relatable to us who may or may not have experienced having a roommate or crush on the cutie next door ;) as a couple readers mentioned, they liked more “slice of life” au’s--which both of these categories fall into! i think we as readers like scenarios that feel the most real to us, bc they are the easiest to insert ourselves into :)

fantasy and thriller, action, more “fiction” tropes are in the minority, however i think that this can be for the exact same reason as i mentioned above where readers like more relatable scenarios.

Opinions on Slow Burn Fics

~My thoughts: during polling of this category, this pie cart stayed basically the same the whole time!! that was pretty cute to see! the important take aways from this survey for me is the fact that slow burn fics are generally really loved! again, lol as someone who writes big ol’ long slow burn fics this made me feel a lot better hahaha basically, the general consensus is that slow burn fics are welcome most of the time, however some readers might need to invest a little more time into them! this is also very easily comparable to the above statistics on the length of fics preferred (longer ones being the ones more popular) so here’s a lil more supporting evidence!

3. Member Specific Analysis

Bias Survey

Top Five:

Chan (19%)

Changbin (18%)

Hyunjin (16%)

Jisung (15%)

Minho (14%)

~My thoughts: ok ok ok so this is where it starts getting JUICY hehe (also i apologize once more for making you pick LOL)

the reason why i asked this question was because i wanted to see if there was a correlation with biases and if there was a probability that members who had more people biasing them (or popularity I guess) were more likely to be read more in smut fics! AND I WAS RIGHT haha isn’t this so fkn cool??? (see more in the next section!)

for comparison, i went to kprofiles to see their little survey on bias popularity and their top five.

Kprofiles Top Five:

Hyunjin (15%)

Felix (14%)

Chan (12%)

Minho (11%)

Jisung (11%)

SO oh my god my nerd brain is loosing it over this REE so, what i should note that is those who took this survey on my blog are likely generally different based off of the fact that they are here to read smut specifically, rather than the general holistic popularity survey. It is for this reason that we see Felix much higher on this list and Changbin much lower too (as we know Felix is really well known generally and globally and there are *generally* fewer Bin biased fans). What was really interesting to see what that with Hyunjin, Chan, Jisung and Minho, they still all stayed within the top five! Soooo what i’m saying is.... all of you Hyunjin, Chan, Jisung and Minho fans really must like your smut 😏 and I think that it’s safe to assume that the majority of hard stans come from these four members too ooP (and of course our Binnie too! ;) i see all of ya’ll 👀)

Members That Get Our Hornies Going

~My thoughts: AHH DOESN’T THIS LOOK SO SATISFYING? I’M SO PROUD OF HER!!!

First off, i would like to acknowledge the all mighty power of Bang Christopher Chan for pooling this most hornies god DAMN while i kind of expected this, it is also evidenced in the fics that i write! recently i’ve been tracking the number of notes that my Chan hard thoughts get in comparison to other members and the differences are usually ASTRONOMICAL. He is most def the most popular member for smut for several different reasons, lowkey bc i think that it’s kind of part of his brand?? hahaha if ya know what i mean?

As for preference from Minho on, we can see a super obvious trend that as age order decreases, we get less and less interest for reading for the member. I’m fairly inclined to believe that this has to do with the fact that most often fans (especially fans older than skz) have a harder time seeing the younger members in a sexual way, so the lack of interest totally makes sense here! As referenced above too, we found that the oldest five members (Chan --> Jisung) are the favorites for smut reading which we can see here as well when the numbers really drop after Felix (Felix coming in at 6th place on my “popularity” survey).

Bc of these statistics, i do really feel like as a reader, i tend to see much, much more fics involving our top five! As for Seungmin and Jeongin, I’ve also seen people state that they do not read or write content for these two members bc they do not feel as comfortable, so this can also explain the lack of content. Also as we have heard many times, Jeongin is a bit of a hot topic lol within the SSB community, so this makes sense that his readership would be low as well.

4. Deep Dive into the Juicy Questions (aka confessions)

Is the fact that you read smut a seggsy secret?

~My thoughts: JUICE TIME JUICE TIME

Before I say anything, i wanted to tell you all how all of the juicy questions were totally optional, but i got 100% participation for every single one of them which if find HILARIOUS i guess you all are just as curious as i am?? ;)

So! for this question, we have an overwhelming amount of readers who said that only their closest friends know which is so cute to me! i love how we can trust our friends with this hehe. i also fall into this category bc like, it’s lowkey kinda fun to talk about? maybe also the fact that i run a smut acct makes me care a little less about it all hahah

secondly, we have the rather large group of people who said that they wouldn’t dare to tell anyone which is also sooo cute haha idk how to explain it but this was the category that i started out in too until i found the right people! But i totally get ya, reading smut--especially-- kpop smut-- can be embarrassing or cringey to share (not to mention that it is somewhat morally grey LOL) so this is really understandable!

also my fkn hats off to all of you who said that you didn’t care about who knows that you read smut. here, you dropped this: 👑 you’re much braver than i could ever be.

When you read smut, do you really feel the hornies?

~My thoughts: ok, so this one to me was also very interesting for me to see as well! (also if you get uncomfy reading about personal masturbation habits you can skip this one lol)

the reason why i asked this question was because i wanted to see if people “get off” by reading smut (whether reading it turns you on, or if you choose to use it for “material” to get off on however this might look, might be more of a mental simulation without any real like, physical getting off) candidly, I use smut to get myself off every once and a while, so i wanted to see who else might be in the same group! since becoming a writer however, i read much less and reading it doesn’t hit the same when i was just a reader bc i have a different perspective of being the one writing the smut so i look at it more analytically--i digress.

it was exciting (teehee get the pun?) for me to see that others also “get off” on smut too--and that they are the majority! teehee it is an honor for me to provide you with the hornies LOL. at the same time, we still have a large group in the “don’t take to seriously” category which was interesting to me too! i can’t speak for these readers, but i interpreted these kind of readers to be the kind who read smut to imagine the scenes and are like “hm, that’s hot, i like thinking about this.” but it doesn’t extend much outside of these thoughts.

What is the most popular position pairing we like to read?

*smaller slices of the pie represent multiple favorites which i also seperated back into the categories corresponding to get the best count into what was the most preferred.

Actual Breakdown:

dom!idol // sub!reader (51 votes)

switch!idol // switch!reader (32 votes)

subidol! // dom!reader (11 votes)

all of the above (5 votes)

depends on my mood (2 votes)

~My thoughts: i feel as if there is a bit of a conflict between which position really is “the best” and while we really can’t know the answer to this question since everyone has different preferences, we can at least find out which one is the most popular to be consumed!

again, going off of the content that I also see as a reader, i see TONS of dom!idol fics, like, left and right. also, if i may come for all of our necks, 👀 but...there’s really something to be said about the fact that the majority of readers are female and historically and socially, women are typically socialized to be submissive, so i can see why this would be why we would favor this among fics--this is even further evidenced by the fact that male idol smut is also preferred, thus further perpetuating the fact that women have been socialized to be submissive to men specifically. i’m not saying that this is the end all be all reason that this trend is present, but i merely offer it as a possible explaination. this is a much larger sociological conversation, but i think that this trend also showed itself in the types of smut that readers seek out as well--according to demographics.

sub!idol fics are few and far in-between, and i think that this can also be for the exact same reason as i talked about above!

When you read smut, do you pick faves to read for?

~My thoughts: what’s cool about this question is the fact that the “half and half” nature of it also resembles what we saw in the section for favorite members to read! As we see in that chart, 41 out of 100 people said that they read everyone, similar to this question where 48 out of 100 people said that they read for everyone. What this proves to me once more is that when it comes for reading fics, there's a 50/50 chance that the reader will look at, and read it based off of who it is about alone. This is a really powerful statistic, meaning that the members who that a writer might write for really dictates their readership! At the same time, it’s super comforting to know that regardless of what you as a writer might write, there’s always someone out there who is willing to read it! (as evidenced by the 52% of people who read for anyone! this is still a large number)

Readers: Do you only use Tumblr for smut?

~My thoughts: when i first started out reading smut, i was in the “i just look up skz smut” group LOL so i wanted to see again if there was anyone like me--which there is! This was more of my interest in seeing if some people view tumblr as “their smut dealer” AHA so that my initial motivation. I was surprised to see that this is not the case! out of 100 readers, 39 of them have their own non-smut blogs and the second largest group of 26 people use tumblr for smut exclusively.

idk why, but when thinking of this question, it really got me thinking back to the question where i asked if reading smut is a seggsy secret, and there was the group of people who said that it is for them--i’m assuming that these people might be part of the group have non-smut blogs and read on the side teehee.

at the same time, there is a combined 40 people who said that they use tumblr for smut purposes only which makes sense to me, as those who filled out my survey are readers of my smut blog if you catch my drift haha

Writers: Do you read smut, or just write it?

*56 responses correlate with those polled who identified as writers/both as mentioned above

~My thoughts: this survey is really really cute for me to see bc it means that there is a whole support network or writers out there reading, supporting and here to hype other writers work!! if anything, as a writer because it takes so much time to write, it can become hard to find time to read, hence the “when i have time option lollll (*cough cough* me LOL) thank you all for your honesty with this question!

5. General Thoughts and Conclusion

Survey on Exposure

~My thoughts: i kinda wanna close off this survey by getting on my soapbox for a sec lol. At least for me, the most common ways that readers found my blog were: looking up a tag, and from a repost. i think that this really goes to show the power of exposure and certain tactics that you can use to increate readership of your account! new readers, if you’re reading this and you’re just starting out, tagging your stuff is so so important!

also, as i have said and so so, many other content creators have said countless times before, reposting is so crucial and it takes little to no effort to repost a creators work so that it might reach others! as a writers, we spend hours, and i mean hours creating content, editing, drafting, creating headers all out own time to publish something that we are proud of and for you to enjoy! it means the world to authors when you reblog their work and even more when you give feedback too because this is our passion! we write for free in the middle of our busy lives so the validation makes it all worth it!!

Conclusion

~phew! so that’s it! once again, i wanted to thank you all from the bottom of my heart from participating in this lil study! i really hope that it is helpful to writers and readers alike! i wanna give ya all the biiiiiigest Ro huggies!! 💕💕

as i mentioned above, the answers for the unpopular opinions will be made into their own post bc there is a ton of them and i didn’t want to clutter up this doc lol

don’t ya ever forget that you are important, loved, and special! happy hornies my cuties ;)

~R 🌹

6. Cute shit that ya’ll said that made me giggle (and hopefully makes you giggle too)

~you all are the light of my life!! each of these comments brought me so much happiness and i love you all so fkn much for that!! also, to those of you who said, “Ro date me” PLZ haha i will date you too!!! too all of the super sweet comments about my writing, thank you so so very much and thank you for reading! it means so much to me!! to all of the i love yous, ahhhh i love you toooooo 💕

“I DUNNO IM BAD AT FUNNY STUFF BUT KNOCK KNOCK I GUESS? -whos there

-ro who

Me, in chan voice: RObber ducky you're the one

yeah...

yeah

bYE”

“ I didn’t know changbin’s thighs were of such importance until I saw your username but now?? 👀 I am looking respectfully.”

“ every time chan doesn’t reply to my bubble message i hold my breath and try to die💆‍♀️”

“ here are my favorite emoji combos: 😐☝️ 😫🖐️ 😂🤏 (i use that one when i get a dick pick and it's rlly small but the person thinks its big-) “

“ you are EVIL for making me choose just ONE bias OT8 EXISTS OK!?”

“ I hope this survey provides you with a lot of useful feedback! -sincerely a big tiddie committee member (you know the one)” [hehe yes i do hai M ;)]

“ chan’s tiddies... that’s it.”

“jeogiyo noona hokshi namjachingu isseoyo?“

“ Jeongin is appropriately baby bread because his face is puffy in the morning so it's kinda like yeast rising 👉👉 “

“ someone needs to tell hyunjin to put some vaseline or something on his cuticles like I love him a lot but his recent live made me scream sir your cuticles are hanging on for dear life please I'm literally begging you “

“ I squeal whenever I get a notification from you and my family think I’m secretly dating someone. It’s nice knowing that they think I can get someone during a pandemic 😁 “ [this one had me SENT]

“i hope ur dreams are blessed with skz thighs.”

“ HS Bin supremacy!!”

“Sta”

“Ro(ses) are red, violets are blue - DaVinci painted Mona, cause he couldn't find you :') “

“✨ dInG dOnG ✨ “

“You're doing God's work as a changbin stan xD “ [thank you so much aHA]

“damn gorl, are you a wifi signal? cause i’m tryna connect 🤔🥴✌🏾 “

“Good luck with your survey! I hope you get a big response! You know what else is big..?

Chan's feet. (I'm sorry, that was my attempt to make you giggle but I'm clearly not a comedian)”

“What's the internal temperature of a taun taun? Luke warm! (Haha sorry star wars joke) “

“egg“

“just because you’re garbage, doesn’t mean you can’t do great things. It’s called garbage can, not garbage cannot <3 “

“Soft-Dom Minho Agenda is the best agenda. I have spoken. Sincerely yours, Javi (@itsapapisongo) “ [this is the way javi]

“Bang chan daddy supremacy”

“ro, ro, ro your boat gently down skz’ dick hell yea.” [this also had me SENT]

“stay smut writers should take “maknae on top” literally“

“idk man i’m just vibing. hope ur day is going well. (changbin voice) da DA da”

Fin.

~🌹~

Bunch of (Ro)ses!

@minaamhh @dazzlehoseok @synnocence @jjewibeans @hyunsluvv @unexceptional-h @bobawithchaitea @lechanters @sailorhyunjinz @silencefavarchive @lunarskzzz @yourdaddychan @bubblelixie @spnobsessedmemes @chaangbin @lmhmins @eunaeiekim

#PHEW #haha this was so fun!!#binniesthighs helpdesk #skz smut #stray kids smut #kpop smut #bang chan smut #lee minho smut #changbin smut #hyunjin smut #han jisung smut #felix smut #seungmin smut #jeongin smut

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general-kj · 3 years

Note

What did that person you named that you apparently hate do??

Oh God do I really want to go through this again? I mean, I might as well, I have you-said-yes blocked so the only way they will see this post is if their friends show it to them which at that point its their fault not mine for causing drama so here we go, its a long story.

At first you-said-yes was just another random Byler I followed who posted cute things about Byler but after a while they started posting opinions I disagreed with more frequently. This in itself is fine because everyone is entitled to an opinion but I found them to be really aggressive that their opinion is the only right one and everyone else is wrong. I do also find it interesting how most of their opinions are based on their personal headcanons rather than factual evidence. Like they hate certain theories like DID but thinks half the cast is asexual and bi because that is what they identify as and anyone who says otherwise is wrong.

A while after this I notice that they are someone that starts smear campaigns against theorists and other people they don't like and makes up untrue accusations about them behind their backs. This is particularly true in the case of the DID theory. Fairly sure it was them who started the whole ridiculous thing of nobody respecting Robin and lesbians because people found Byler references in Rebel Robin and how dare anyone suggest Robin help out Mike with his gay issues. Apparently that makes her less of a person because its suggested she interacts with other characters? I also think I saw them accuse a lesbian of hating lesbians.

Now we get to the things they did against me personally that lead me to block her. The above evidence is simply of them being a terrible person and a snake in my opinion. So whenever I get toxic responses to things etc I tend to post it on here under the Byler tag which lead them to write a post complaining about the tag being clogged up with toxic Milevens responses which is just hypocritical considering the amount of times they have had rants about things. Are they the only one allowed to have rants about things they are passionate about?

Next after my hilarious rebuttal to a Mileven using British slang they once again complained about me clogging up the tag and saying that we shouldn't engage with Milevens. I snapped slightly at this and replied and had a conversation with them where they constantly said I was missing the point by arguing with their post that arguing with people who disagree with you is pointless because you wont get them to change their minds. What they didn't understand is that I knew what they was saying I just thought it was a BS point. I am allowed to argue with Milevens if I want to if they leave toxic comments on fics I have spent literal hours on. You have no say in that bitch.

Finally I want to say that they made a post complaining about one of my posts saying that I want to make Byler fics where Mike cheats on El to piss off Milevens because that would piss them off more than Milevens but clearly they don't know that I made that post and that there's nothing I would love more than to piss someone like them off. So expect more of that kind of fic in the future lol, if they get pissy about it then they are proving my point and they are purposely getting upset as no one is forcing them to read it.

So I don't want this mentioned again, if you're friends with them, don't try and convince me that they aren't a snake, I have nothing against you personally but I consulted with my friends for a long time before coming to the decision to block them and they blocked them at the same time so I am happy in my decision. Thanks for the ask.

#personal #ask

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system-of-a-feather · 3 years

Note

Have you considered that the whole Super straight/bi/lesbian/gay thing came about specifically because y'all are so quick to call people transphobic? I don't understand why supporters of trans rights are so interested in whether or not people are willing to date trans people.

Like, if that's your biggest problem, you're doing well. Genuinely, what is this oppression trans ppl face if the biggest concern is getting a date? And if someone doesn't want to date a trans person, why, WHY would y'all wanna pressure them into it? What does that do for you? Isn't it dangerous for the trans person to pursue the issue once they've been turned down? Why are you encouraging them to be in a place of danger? Who cares if some people don't want to date trans people? If they're as oppressed as y'all say, that is literally the least of their concern.

I absolutely fully agree with that. It absolutely isn’t an okay thing to do and people aren’t transphobic for not wanting to date or be with a trans person. I have absolutely nothing against that.

What *does* bother me is how people go about using the “trans people are mad that we won’t date them” to straw man that most people that say that follow it up with saying “trans men aren’t real men” or combine it with “I only want to date real and natural men” which is inherently transphobic.

I fully support anyone who is just not interested in dating trans people. That’s fine, and I really don’t care. We are a blog of people who have been traumatized, abused, and sexually abused and forced upon. We would never put that upon anyone else. Our blog is first and foremost about trauma and consent and harassments is absolute big “N-O”s for us

If the majority of the people who said they didn’t want to date trans people didn’t start using “real” women and men lines, then I would have no issue with being “super straight” or “super lesbian”.

Similarly to you assuming everyone who is against it cares about if you can get a date or not and is upset about it, we are forced to assume everyone who thinks it is about that is going to use and talk like a transphobe / TERF and de-legitimize their gender identity. Most of the shit talking and memes in the Super Straight tags are dissing “new” gender labels like nonbinary or whatever and trans identities and all that, so don’t act as if this is all about predatory trans behavior and not about people being disgustingly transphobic.

If your tag and movement was solely about addressing toxic behavior in the trans community that is predatory, I would be standing with you and in support, but instead a large majority of the people in your “movement” take it as an opportunity to diss, disrespect, and let blatant transphobic / TERF rhetoric spew disgustingly on your floor and I just can’t stand for that.

As for the Trans community, our largest issue **isnt** getting a fucking date. It has never fucking been getting a date and if you really think that is the largest issue, god are you blind and deaf.

I think the largest issue would be the overall stigma hatred and disgust many people in society hold towards people who are trans. There are also all the people who regularly threaten violence and state that they would kick the head in of anyone who they saw if they were trans or saw “a man in a dress.” There are people thinking people who are trans are secretly just pedophiles that want to fondle children. There are people who murder people for being trans. There are people who just regularly bully and make fun of people or completely cut ties with people because they are trans. There are people assaulting - physically and sexually - people who are trans just for being trans.

“In 2009, 17 percent of all reported violent hate crimes against LGBTQ people were directed against those who identified themselves as transgender, with most (11 percent of all hate crimes) identifying as transgender women.8 The remainder identified as transgender men, genderqueer, gender questioning, or intersex.” - x

“People may assume that being visibly transgender or having a transgender history is a direct cause of sexual assault. There is some truth to this: A number of murders of transgender people (particularly transgender women of color) have taken place when new sexual partners "discover" their sexual partners were assigned male at birth and/or have a penis. “ - x

I promise you, almost any of the bigotry and exclusion that people who are lesbian, bi, and/or gay experience, people who are trans also experience, but they also get it from people who are lesbian, bi, and gay.

If you want to have a discussion about the predatory nature of some people who use being trans as a means to attack and pressure people into sex or a relationship, we would be more than glad to sit down and talk about that. It is a huge problem and a disgusting one.

If you are trans and you get rejected and then use your trans identity to try to pity and victim cry yourself a date or sex, then you are scum and worse than any transphobe out there. You don’t deserve to look at this blog or group yourself with us. Don’t be a fucking predator.

If you are one of those people, lick my boot and cry because fuck you.

I’m not against “supers” because I think they have a right to your body. I’m against “supers” because they parade behind “I don’t like the predatory behavior!!” to be transphobic.

I understand that if some of your have been pressured into shit like this, it might be a trauma response and I understand that. I’m not actually mad at you for that because I very much understand how that works. We have been there before and have generalized horribly, but please do know a large majority of the community is not just about sexuality and who they will date. We aren’t predators. We are just people and most of us just will handle rejection like a normal god damn person. Please don’t generalize us with abusers because of a negative experience you or someone you know might have experienced.

A lot of people who are trans are far more busy and concerned with how having to choose between who they actually are and living in a constant lie to themselves and others, and being their true self and risking to upturn their entire life, loose many acquaintances, and naturally have a target on your back if you aren’t living in an area that is considerably tolerant and even then its still a risk. I don’t know where you got that getting a date is the largest issue about being trans because it never was and never is.

Please, take some time to really try to listen to us and our experiences and please don’t immediately group all trans people in with abusive people. A lot of us really don’t care about getting in people’s pants and most of it is really just about trying to live and be ourselves.

I understand the experiences are horrible and anyone who puts that pressure is horrible, but don’t let that be an excuse to spread rhetoric and hate on a group that already has an insanely high suicide rate.

People aren’t killing themselves because they aren’t getting dates. They are killing themselves because being trans is hard and insanely difficult. Dating someone is a speck of sand in a desert.

Please don’t use that straw man on us and please don’t use it to paint all trans people as bad and worthy of hate.

Thank you.

-Ray (Gatekeeper)

#discourse #discourse tw #alter: ray #lgbt #tra #trans rights #superstriaght #superlesbian #superstraight tw #long post #longpost

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spaceshipkat · 3 years

Text

part 1 of my Rea///lm Brea///ker recap will cover the prologue - chapter 8

prologue: we learn that no living mortal had ever seen a Spindle bc “the passages closed, the gates locked” and Allward is “a realm alone”. Andry, the narrator, says it’s a good thing and it should stay that way. Andry, a “honey-brown” boy (who is later also called “brown”), is a squire for Sir Grandel Tyr. it’s spring and at dawn. Companions of the Realm wait in a clearing below a hill, some guarding the “pilgrim road” and others waiting for “the enemy”, and still more patrol a temple where a Spindle once stood, though Andry doesn’t know where that particular Spindle once led. Sir Grandel doesn’t like being awake at “this Spindlerotten hour”. Andry imagines himself in Sir Grandel’s armor bc Sir Grandel is “a fearsome and stirring sight to behold,” and Andry wants to be a knight one day. they’ve been on the road for two months. Andry identifies one of the Companions as “Dom, a prince of Iona” and has a full name that’s “difficult to pronounce”. there are six Elders as well, who Andry says are easy to distinguish amongst the Companions. Elders are immortal. Elders call themselves Vedera. the Companion Dom happens to look up and catch Andry staring at him. Sir Grandel asks if immortals bleed and Andry says he doesn’t know. here’s information on the Elders and Companions. “Corblood princes” are descendants of the “old empire”. Cortael of Old Cor is introduced. Sir Grandel wonders if Corblood princes bleed, too, and says he supposes they’ll find out before joining the other mortal Companions, but Andry says he hopes they don’t find out if Corblood princes bleed. Bress the Bull Rider, a mercenary, likes to needle the knights, to Andry’s delight. Okran of Kasa, a man with “jet-black skin,” says that Andry should pray to the gods before battle. Andry says that he doubts the gods would listen to a squire, Okran asks if that’s what Sir Grandel tells him, and Andry apologizes for Sir Grandel’s mood bc they’ve been on the road for a long time (two months). Andry asks if Okran is afraid of “the thief and his wizard” and Okran says “the Spindle is the danger, not the men seeking it”. Okran explains that they’re there to guard the Spindle bc the Elder monarch and Cortael told them that they needed to. Andry speaks Kasan and Okran is surprised and pleased, and Andry explains that his mother was born in Nkonabo. Okran says that Andry should visit him in Benai one day and Andry, knowing he probably will never be able to, says one day. Dom joins Cortael and says he hears “them” and that there are only two. Bress says they should take precautions against the wizard and the immortals of Sirandel say they’re the precautions. Cortael says “the Red” is a trickster and then orders everyone to encircle the temple. Andry tells us that Cortael is mortal. Cortael gives a speech. the bell tolls immediately after Cortael says it hasn’t rung for a thousand years and vows it won’t for a thousand more. Dom insists it’s an illusion. something tells Andry to move far away from the bell but he doesn’t. two people approach on the road: the wizard is called The Red and wears a red cloak, and is also young and has red eyes. the other man is Cortael’s brother. Cortael calls his brother Taristan a “fool”. Taristan asks how long it’s been since they’ve seen each other, and then he says “since birth” when Cortael doesn’t reply, and says that Cortael probably had a cushy upbringing being Spindleblessed. Dom tells Taristan to return what he stole (the Spindleblade sword he carries that’s twin to Cortael’s). Taristan tells Dom to come get it himself. Cortael tells Taristan to surrender and he’ll be spared. Taristan says the Elders raised Cortael to be heir to rebuild the empire, which is evidently to do what Taristan himself wants to do: bring the Spindles back into crossing and rejoin the realms. Dom says to “tear a Spindle open is to put all the realms in danger,” and Cortael tells Dom to stop wasting his breath bc Taristan’s “fate is chosen” and Taristan retorts “my fate” in rage. Taristan info-dumps at us about Cortael’s past and purpose, chosen by the Elders. Taristan removes his helm and reveals he and Cortael are actually identical twins and everyone, including Cortael, seems surprised by this for some reason. Taristan reiterates that Cortael’s fate was chosen, not his own, and Cortael asks what Taristan chooses to do now. the wizard Ronin raises his hands at Taristan’s command. the Sirandels shoot three arrows each but they’re burned up before reaching Ronin. Ronin claps his hands and strange creatures begin to emerge from the temple holding the Spindle. a light pulses inside the temple and shadows race out of it. Rowanna of Sirandel says “the Ashlands,” which i gather is where these creatures are from. Cortael and Taristan are still fighting and Taristan declares the Spindle has already been torn and the crossing made. “foul, living corpses of the Spindle” emerge from the temple with weapons, though many corpses are already broken. the corpses circle the Companions and are likely going to overwhelm them as Cortael and Taristan keep fighting. Arberin, a Sirandel Elder with supposed immortality, is killed by one of the corpses. the Companions keep being killed by the corpses. Andry waves for Sir Grandel to run toward him and Sir Grandel does, and Andry shouts “with me” which is the Lionguard battle cry, and then Sir Grandel yells at him to run as the corpses catch Grandel. Andry frees the horses while Cortael and Taristan continue to fight and the other Companions die. Cortael stabs Taristan through the chest. the corpses and Ronin the wizard all stop to stare. Cortael asks for Taristan’s forgiveness and Taristan pulls the sword out of his own chest before standing up. Taristan says the bells toll for his god, for “What Waits”. Taristan stabs Cortael’s sword into the ground and then uses his own to kill Cortael. Taristan raises his sword to cut Cortael apart but Dom blocks the blow and says “leave him” and stands between Cortael’s corpse and Taristan. Dom looks up the hill at Andry on Dom’s white stallion, and Andry nods, and then Dom whistles and the stallion charges down the hill to go around the battle. Dom does some trick and tears Cortael’s sword from the dirt and throws it like a javelin. it lands in the grass and then Andry grabs it. here’s the excerpt.

chapter 1: we’re now in Corayne’s POV. Corayne is walking the “ancient Cor road” carved along the cliffs above the Long Sea, which crashes fifty feet below. it’s summertime. her guardian is named Kastio, and is old and weathered, and is also a Siscarian sailor (they’re both currently in Siscaria). Kastio asks if Corayne has had anymore dreams lately, and she lies and says she’s just excited, then tells us that she’s been having dreams and knows Kastio would only tell Corayne’s mother. she dreams of white hands, shadowed faces, and “something moving in the dark”. towers along the Empress Coast are still manned by old soldiers and sailors. they pass a tower and Corayne greets its keeper. the keeper says he saw two ships, but Corayne sees three and tells us that only those who knew where to look would see them. she pays keepers of other towers so she can keep them allied with her, as per her mother’s instructions. they enter the bustling port and we get more description of what it looks like. Corayne and Kastio head for the docks. we get more description of the docks and the ships moored there. the universal language for trade on either side of the Long Sea is called Paramount. Kastio says that Corayne has a head for business and that no one can deny that, and Corayne says she hopes so. she greets “Officer Galeri”, who we learn is fifty, ugly, and wealthy--which therefore causes sex workers to like him. she pays him off. Corayen notices someone at the stern and gives Galeri a paper stamped with a noble family seal, which is the cargo listing containing salt and honey. noble shipments can’t be taxed. Corayne is excited by the sounds of sailing. Galeri welcomes her aboard the ship and she tells us she’s now the ship’s agent. we meet the Captain Meliz al-Amarat, who is Corayne’s mother. Corayne and her mother start discussing what shipments will go where. her mother mentions a “misunderstanding” and Corayne tells us it led to three dead sailors and the Tempestborn, their ship, nearly sinking. we learn Corayne has “desert blood” in her. Meliz is bi, apparently. Corayne has golden skin like her mother, as well as dark hair and black eyes, but she’s not as lovely. Corayne starts to ask her mom something but Galeri interrupts. Galeri challenges her mom about markings on the shipments not matching up, and Meliz grins back in a sort of challenge she’s sure to win with her entire crew behind her while Galeri has only a few ill-trained soldiers. Galeri wisely drops the accusations. Meliz is referred to as “Hell Mel” on the open sea.

chapter 2: back in Andry’s POV, we learn he traded his chainmail for food, and his tunic is “little more than a rag” after his journey. he’s now in the capital and trying not to fall asleep bc he doesn’t want nightmares. he’s kneeling before the throne and recognizes the two Lionguards on either side of it. the Queen enters, sitting on her throne, and Andry clenches his teeth. she’s 19, thin, pretty, and strong-willed. Queen Erida greets Andry and tells him to rise, then asks if he needs a doctor, and he says no, the blood isn’t his. Queen Erida then asks if he’s seen his mother yet and he says no bc it’s late and she needs her rest. Queen Erida asks if Andry can tell her what happened to the others he was with, and he remembers his nightmares of “White faces, red hands, black armor, knives dripping blood, ash and smoke and rot—” and finds it difficult to speak, so the queen tells her Lionguard to leave. they’re shocked bc she’s rarely without them, loyal unto death as they are. one Lionguard protests but the queen says that she’s known Andry all her life and he’s terrified and doesn’t need an audience while recounting what happened. she tells them again to leave and they finally do. when the Lionguard leaves, the queen seems to relax and become her age again, not a queen. Andry remembers the queen when she was young and they played on ships. she says that she “answered the Elder call” and pulls a piece of paper out of her robes; Andry wants to burn that paper for what it says. we get a flashback of the call from the Elder being announced. the queen wishes she had ignored the call and her “own curiosity”. Andry comments how no one could have known. the queen says that she is to take the blame for what happened, since she’s the one who sent them to guard the Spindle temple. Andry tells us important information about Taristan and Spindleblades. he tells the queen everything that happened. he says he should have fought instead of running, but the queen says he survived and brought a very important message. she says that Allward was once a realm of crossing. she says she trusts him bc he’s never been a liar and that she’s sorry for what he experienced. she tells Andry to speak to no one about this. Andry protests that people need to be warned, and the queen interrupts and explains how it would cause panic bc Spindles are myth and legend to most people. Andry tells us what Ascal, the capital, looks like and what happened after the queen ascended the throne (lots of protesting bc she’s a girl). Andry says he doesn’t understand, for some reason, and she says that it’s not for him to understand, only for him to obey. she calls her Lionguard back in. he says okay and bows, and she thanks him for coming home and says at least his mom won’t have another knight to bury. the queen leaves, as does Andry. after a page break, we see Andry’s mom and get a description of her; she’s still beautiful despite being sick. she has dark skin and dark, curly hair. it’s hot in her room, but he still feels cold. voices tell him “It must be hidden” and “It must not be spoken of” and he tells the voices that “It is hidden” and that he hasn’t told anyone about “it”. the voices began when Andry was riding home away from the attack in the prologue. the voices say “This you are bidden. Keep it hidden” and Andry tells us that he hid the Spindleblade beneath his mom’s bed, a secret only for himself.

chapter 3: back in Corayne’s POV, she’s had two glasses of wine and is already drunk, “dreaming of lands beyond Lemarta,” and there’s more info dumping. they’re in a tavern, and with Meliz back, Kastio doesn’t have to “nanny” Corayne so he gets drunk, too. Kastio has “lightning-blue eyes”. the Tempestborn has two new crewmembers after losing four. Corayne tries to talk to her mom, but her mom interrupts and says that they need new oarsmen and wants Corayne to put out the word, to which Corayne says they can sail shorthanded. Meliz insists, Corayne asks about where and when, and Meliz says “are you my mother now?” and specifies that she wants good recruits. Corayne again asks where Meliz is going and again Meliz deflects. we learn the Jaiah of Rhashir has died and left 16 sons to viw for his throne, and there are different stories of how he died (old age, illness, murder). Corayne says that Meliz will be gone for months, if she’ll return at all, and Meliz says it’s a good opportunity and that they’ll leave in three days. Corayne begins to say “I must ask” only for her mom to interrupt her and say don’t ask, and Corayne says Meliz made a promise over the winter, and Meliz denies doing so. Corayne argues about being let to come along, explaining her skills and that she’s a year older than Meliz was before Meliz started sailing, and Corayne elaborates on how she’s more use on the water and how she is instrumental in making the Tempestborn become what it is. Meliz says her decision is final, that not even the gods can challenge it, and that Corayne doesn’t know what she’s asking for. Corayne says she does and continues to talk about being good at her job. Meliz says she won’t risk Corayne’s life on her dangerous profession. Corayne points out the latest two new recruits survived. the argument is really long and i don’t feel like summarizing it, so here’s the full excerpt. Corayne looks over the crew, notes they’re like a family of sorts, but recognizes the brutality they exhibit to the world at large, not someone who’s used to seeing it. Corayne knows her mom wants her to recognize the killing status of all the sailors, but Corayne refuses to be afraid, even after her mom says everyone’s a killer, herself included. Meliz says that Corayne doesn’t have the spine for her kind of life, and Corayne says that at least her dad only abandoned her once. after a page break, Corayne is on the cliffs overlooking the Long Sea. Corayne names all the stars and constellations in another info dump. she belatedly realizes she’s not alone on the cliff’s path. two hooded people approach and Corayne moves aside to let them pass, but instead they stop. one of the people has a wound on his face that’s still healing. Corayne says the port is behind them, this path is the way to Tyriot, and one person says they’re not here for anything in Lemarta. one tries to grab her but she wields her dagger and says to stay away. the person lunges and she doesn’t think she can do anything, and then he kneels before her and says “I beg your forgiveness and your mercy, Corayne an-Amarat”. the other person is a woman who snarks at whether or not the man intends to scare her. the woman also calls Corayne “mortal” in a way meant to imply that the woman and man are immortal. Corayne asks who they are and then immediately knows they’re Elders. Corayne again asks who they are and the man says he’s Dom, aka Dom from the prologue with Andry. he says he is the last of Corayne’s father’s Companions and seeks her aid, and has a story to tell.

chapter 4: now we’re in Dom’s POV. the horse he’s riding is dying, though he’s not sure how he escaped on one Companion’s horse. days pass and we get more world-building dumped on us as he travels. the city of Iona is home to thousands of immortals and hundreds of Glorianborn. the horse Dom’s riding dies at the steps of the palace after Dom leaps off her back. guards flank Dom, their prince. feeling like a failure, Dom enters the palace and walks toward the throne room to talk to his aunt, the Monarch. one of the councillors to the Monarch is Dom’s cousin. Dom kneels before the queen, who says she will not ask how they died bc she can see it weighs heavily on him. he says he’s failed and his cousin argues that he lived. Dom has known Cortael all Cortael’s mortal life. Dom is asked about what happened by one councillor. here’s info on what is coming now that the Spindle has been torn open. Dom says the warriors of this realm can still fight back against Ashlander and Asunder creatures. the Monarch says the Army of Asunder is inconsequential bc What Waits means to devour. info on Spindles and What Waits. Dom tells the Monarch to throw down the branch and take up the sword to destroy the Ashlander army, close the Spindle, put Taristan in the ground, throw What Waits back to His hell. the Monarch traces the cut down Dom’s face and says it’s not like them to bleed, and Dom says “you’re afraid”. the Monarch says they’re already defeated and no monarch would send their people to die. Dom says they die if they do nothing and says they’re of the Ward (Allward), to which the Monarch says no, Glorian awaits. Dom says Glorian is lost to them. the Monarch says the balance of Spindles is delicate and thus they’ve lost their way back, but the boundaries will weaken as Taristan tears open the Spindles. the Monarch says that if they can find the realm of the Crossroads or even Glorian herself they can find their way home. Dom says and abandoned Allward and the Monarch says it’s already lost. Dom says that the Monarch is a coward and her council is angry but she waves them down and says she’s sorry Dom thinks that. Dom leaves and the Monarch asks what he will do, if he has Corblood in him or a Spindleblade. he says that better men and women than him died in vain and it’s only fair he does too. after a page break, Dom’s cousin Princess Ridha (and the Monarch’s daughter) finds him in the stables as he mucks out stalls. Ridha is now decked out in armor. Dom asks where she’s going and she says that she wants to talk to every monarch and see if they agree in giving up like her mother. they discuss where they’ll travel first. Ridha says he needs Corblood and Spindleblade, and Dom says he knows where to get a Spindleblade (thinking of Andry). Ridha once slept with Cortael, as did many women, apparently. she says that he needs to find Cortael’s child, which Dom didn’t know existed, and he wonders if the child is a bastard or not, and how much Cortael kept from Dom. Dom says he can track down an assassin and torture him for info on how to find Cortael’s child. Dom says “Ride well” to Ridha and she says she always does. Ridha says she didn’t know Cortael had a twin, that her mother the Monarch separated them. Dom says he didn’t know either. Ridha says that she supposes her mother thought it was for the best to protect and raise one to be heir to Old Cor, which Dom doesn’t agree with. he thinks the Monarch did it for herself and for Glorian. Ridha and Dom bid each other farewell. Dom rides south.

chapter 5: we’re now in a character whose POV is someone named Sorasa. Sorasa stands over the bed of a fat, evil merchant king with a child bride. Sorasa thinks she’s doing the child a favor and cuts the merchant king’s throat. she removes his left ear and index finger, then tosses them onto the floor, which is the mark that proves the kill was hers. Sorasa escapes through the window by swinging on a whip. apparently it’s midday. a bell sounds to mark the merchant king’s death and the crowd surges. a hand grabs her, she twists out of its grasp, and she says “Garion” as the crowds thin. Garion says he didn’t take Sorasa for a thief and she waves him off. she says she stole a man’s life from him and wonders that the stealing is what concerns Garion. Garion says there are rules to follow and Sorasa wants to roll her eyes but simply turns and says that jealousy doesn’t become Garion. she prepares herself should Garion draw a blade against her. he says he’s not jealous, that she’s been named and inked, and no amount of blood will rewrite what has already been written. a tattoo down her side itches. it’s one she wasn’t given by choice. she tells him to go back to his cage and wait for another easy kill that she’ll steal from him, and he tells her to have caution. he mentions someone named Lord Mercury, who Sorasa fears, and she tells Garion again to go home. he pushes off his hood and reveals his blades and says that this is a warning. she asks if he really wants to do this in the middle of the street, and they survey each other. Sorasa comes up with how to kill him and escape. Garion tells Sorasa she should disappear. she tips her head back so the sunlight shines on her face so he can see the “long year written in her flesh”. he steps away and says that “few of us” get the chance to leave, and she says few want to. then he vanishes. after a page break, Sorasa leaves the inn where she had stashed her belongings, thinking about how she’ll never get the stench of it out of her clothes. she misses the simple days but knows “discord is a better shield than steel.” she walks toward the harbor and pushes her hood off bc she wants to feel sunlight on her face, and then she’s grabbed by a man who isn’t thrown off her her evasive maneuver. she throws a handful of “stinging blue smoke” and unclasps her cloak, running away with eyes and mouth closed while her attacker coughs from behind her. Sorasa runs away through the city, but looks back and finds the man is following her. he has golden hair and she adds him to her list of people to fear. the man is gaining on her quickly. a plan comes together in her mind. she wonders if he’s been sent by Lord Mercury. she ducks down another alley, dodging shit so she doesn’t destroy it, but her persuer doesn’t bother and is only confused when he’s reprimanded by the owners of the stalls he destroys. she feels excited that this will be her first real fight in a year. she scrambles over a pile of crates and then leaps from pole to pole of stalls and tents, believing he can’t follow bc he’s bigger, but he manages it easily and she’s shocked that someone so big can do what she does. she curses Lord Mercury and flips her hood over her head, the man just a stall behind her. she sees he has a scarred face, and he says he wants to talk to her, and she tries and fails to place his accent, though he speaks in Paramount. she says he’s speaking to her now and unfurls her whip. the guy says he’d prefer to talk somewhere else, and she says that’s a shame. he says he isn’t here to harm her and she says she’s heard that before, and he says he will if he must. she sees his longsword and knows it’d be difficult to use when they’re balancing on top of poles of a fruit vender’s stall. she says “try me, then” and he says “very well” and they fight and she remarks to herself that even though she’s been trained perfectly he’s somehow faster and better. he crashes into the fruit vendor’s place as she slips away on her whip, then grabs a new cloak and flips the hood over her head. the man appears to be scenting the air for her but she slips away before he can find her. she walks through the crowds thinking about how badass she is, leans against a pen full of black bulls, and removes her hat to bare her face. she bites into a peach as she finds the man in the crowd, easy to spot for his height and blond hair. when the guy sees her, he starts forward and she opens the bull pen, breaking a man’s teeth when he tries to stop her. she cracks her whip and sends the herd of bulls running, expecting the man after her to be trampled, but he instead stops a bull in its tracks by grabbing its horns, then tosses it aside with a broken neck and the rest of the herd parts around him, and Sorasa realizes he’s an Elder/immortal. she runs away as fast as she can, in as many places as she can, with as many disguises as she can. she keeps trying to get to the docks, but he’s always there, waiting for her, to stop her from boarding any boat or ship. they sword fight, she spits in his face, he stops to wipe his face, she tackles him and climbs onto his back, then manages to stab him but he throws her off. he again says that he’s not here to hurt her and only wants to talk and says “Come, Mortal”. he repeats it, she says no, and runs away again after dropping her sword. after a page break, she sits down at a table in a tavern. she orders a drink. Dom shows up and sits down at the table across from her. she slides one of the drinks she ordered to him, and he hesitantly takes a drink. she feels triumph when he downs all of it and then tells her that immortals are immune to poison, and she says it’s a waste of arsenic. he says that she’s tried to kill him three times today, she says it all amounts to once, so he says she came close three times. she then asks how he’s gonna kill her, and he says again that he isn’t here to hurt her. he then gives her sword back to her. he says he wants information and is willing to pay and pulls out a massive pouch of coins, then asks if a coin of gold will do. she wonders how she can measure how much info is worth if she doesn’t know what he’s asking for, and he says he’s searching for Corblood mortals and was told the Amhara will know. she says the Amhara are few and far between after taking three gold coins from his pouch. she takes coins as he says he’s searching for the bastard child of a Cortael and she says he’s no prince of any kingdom in living memory but tells us the name is familiar. she continues to take coins as he says the father is dead, so she won’t face any trouble from him. she says it’s not her father he should be worried about and tells us it’s the pirate, and he gasps that it’s a daughter. he tells her that’s enough coin and takes his pouch back, and she says she can find the daughter and has settled on a price. he smiles, she names her price (we don’t learn of it), the smile drops, but he still agrees.

chapter 6: back in Corayne’s POV, we learn that the last two chapters are basically the two characters recounting what led them to her. Dom is still kneeling while Sorasa paces, barring the way back to the port. Corayne wishes her mother or Kastio were here. Dom says that Sorasa led them both here to her bc she’s the only one who can save the world, and she says it was good to meet them and turns around to walk away, only for Dom to follow her. Dom says that the Ward will fall if Corayne doesn’t help, and Corayne says her answer is no, that they should return to Lemarta to find someone who believes in whatever tripe they’re sharing. Sorasa says she doesn’t believe Dom either, for what it’s worth. Dom says he swears on Iona that it’s true. Corayne says she’s no lady, Dom starts apologizing and says he’s not sure what her mom told her, and Corayne says she knows exactly who her dad is: Cortael. she says none of who he is makes her his daughter. Corayne tells Dom to give her the gold and go, Dom is confused, and Sorasa implies that Cortael must have left something to Corayne, but Dom says he has nothing of his to give to her, to which Corayne shrugs. Sorasa looks back at Lemarta, the port, and says that it’s no wonder what Corayne’s mom has the best ship: she had Cor gold to support it. Corayne feels afraid and asks if Sorasa knows her mom and Sorasa says she knows her reputation. Corayne says she can bring both Dom and Sorasa to her mom, since her mom knew Cortael better. Dom says it’s she they need and that it’s in her blood, and Corayne says she wants nothing to do with them or her dad. silence falls and Dom looks to his feet, then Corayne says she’s sorry for his loss bc she can tell that Dom is saddened by Cortael’s death. she apologizes to Sorasa, too, who says she’s not involved in any of “these dramatics”. Corayne opens the door to her cottage and Dom says that though she says she wants nothing to do with her dad or them but this (the cottage) can’t be what she wants either. Dom says that Corayne’s blood is of Spindles and distant realms and lost stars and that she wants the horizon, and that her dad was the same. she tells Dom to give her three days and shuts the door. after a page break, it’s the third day and Corayne is in the cottage making arrangements, looking over a map of the known Ward. she finds the place where the forgotten Spindle temple is, where her dad died. Corayne’s mom wakes up and makes a lot of noise, and Corayne knows she’s seeking attention, which Corayne refuses to give. Meliz (her mom) says that Kastio is late. Meliz says that Corayne needs to stay close to him while Meliz is gone bc the roads are dangerous, longboats are disappearing, and summer storms are sweeping in, and that the realm feels twisted. there have been things all over happening that are strange, and Corayne wonders if they’re coincidences or “chaos unfolding”. Corayne says everything is ready for Meliz’s departure. Corayne asks to go with her again, thinks that it might be the only thing to save her from whatever road she’s decided to go down, and Meliz says she will not. after another page break, Corayne, Kastio, and Meliz walk the path toward the port. Meliz says she’ll return in a few months with enough gold to keep them for a hundred years, and Corayne says they already have that, knowing everywhere that her mother’s gold is hidden and kept, and Corayne knows that it’s no longer money that sends her mother out to sea. Corayne says Meliz loves her life and wouldn’t give it up for anyone, even Corayne, and Meliz says that it’s still not a life she wants for Corayne. Corayne says Meliz doesn’t get to decide what Corayne does or wants. Corayne says that there’s something in her blood that won’t let her sit still and that Meliz knows this, and Meliz throws up her hands and wonders if now is the time Corayne wants to talk about her dad. Meliz says that she promises it’s only a few months and Corayne says “farewell” through gritted teeth. Meliz hugs her goodbye and says to keep her feet on shore and face to the sea. Corayne asks how fare the winds and Meliz says “fair” because they carry her home. after another page break, Corayne watches the Tempestborn disappear over the horizon, and Corayne tells Kastio she hears that Doma Martia has just received a few good barrels of wine, and Kastio says that it’s a bit too early for wine, even for him. she holds out a coin and says to try it for her, Kastio says “this is a bribe” even as he takes it, and Corayne says she needs to be alone for just a few hours. Kastio eyes her for a long time and then says Meliz was wrong not to take Corayne. Corayne goes looking for Sorasa and Dom, who find her first. Sorasa says “three days” and Corayne agrees “three days”. Sorasa isn’t wearing her hood today, so Corayne spends a long time taking Sorasa in, and Sorasa says there’ll be time for examination later bc they don’t want to keep the “immortal annoyance” waiting. Corayne wonders if Sorasa will call her “Spindlerot” the entire time or just today, and Sorasa says she’s still deciding. Corayne knows Kastio will know she ran away and that her mom won’t return even if she hears about it. Sorasa says it’s good Meliz left Corayne behind, that ti’s better this way, and Corayne asks why, and Sorasa says that Rhashiran civil wars are boring. Dom waits in the market and greets Corayne, but apologizes after calling her “my lady” and Corayne remarks that she’s heard him apologize a lot. she says that he needs her to save the realm, he agrees, and she asks how do they save the realm. Dom says that two things are needed to open and close a Spindle, and those are Spindleblood and a Spindleblade, and that the Spindleblade is in the Royal Court of Ascal.

chapter 7: this chapter is in the POV of Erida, the queen of Galland, who wishes she could burn the list of suitors for her hand. she knows that her beauty and wit aren’t what draw people to her but the crown. she’s ruled for four years and is nineteen years old. she’s been in the council chamber for an hour but is already sore from sitting straight thanks to her tight gown and the uncomfortable chair. Erida always holds the council in one of the high towers, even in summer. her councillors listen as someone named Lord Ardath reads a letter while coughing bc he’s old. they mock the author of the letter for being a bad speller, since he’s asking for Erida’s hand in marriage. the councillors argue and bicker but Erida lets them bc the longer they argue, the longer she can go without getting married. we learn it’s been weeks since Andry returned, and Erida continues to wonder if he told the truth. sitting next to Erida is Lord Konegin, who is a cousin to Erida’s father, and she asked him to join the council to keep an eye out for usurpers to the throne. Konegin eventually puts a stop to the bickering by saying to add the name of the letter’s author to the list. it’s pointed out that while the suitor is a second son, he would protect the northern border. Erida stands and approaches the map on the wall. Erida says that their armor is five times larger than his, the army of Trec, and that she won’t wed herself to a kingdom that needs hers more than she needs theirs. she also points out Trec’s own geographical disadvantage. it’s pointed out one other country hasn’t conquered in two decades, and Erida thinks “for now” and returns to her chair, saying that that emperor is older than she is and thus isn’t willing to gamble on his sons. she will also not send her soldiers to fight in another’s war, and the councillors praise her intellect. we learn a lot about another army’s strength. Konegin says the Galland armies are prepared to fight and defeat any opposing army and that they have something more important at hand, and Erida says he’s right even though she doesn’t want to. she asks if there are any other names to add or remove to the list of suitors. a cousin gave his intentions, as does a female clan leader of the Jyd. people can marry any gender, but not ruling queens, who need heirs. the Jydi choose their heirs rather than birthing them. one suitor can be crossed off the list bc he’s marrying someone else, and Erida wonders if she can’t be dangled a little longer bc she wants to give her soldiers more time to gather at the border to Madrence bc she wants to push to the ocean and doesn’t want the Madrentine prince to be wed to the Siscarian princess before Galland begins so she doesn’t have to fight two armies. we get description of where armies of Galland are moving and whatnot, and Erida asks how long the armies need to be ready and is told two months, so Erida asks a councillor to get her three with another suitor. she’d rather be bait than a prize, and Konegin says there are more suitors to discuss, but “talk of war always emboldened her” and she tells Konegin that none of the suitors tempt her. she wants a husband who will strengthen her throne and uphold her family’s legacy, which she knows is a high bar to hurdle, if possible at all. if such a man exists, she knows she’ll marry him. Ardath says there are funerals to see to, though the bodies of Tyr and the Norths haven’t been found. Erida says the knights are to be buried properly, bodies or no, and Konegin asks about Andry. Erida says she’s sure another knight will take him on. Konegin again asks what Andry told her when he returned. she says that what Andry said is for her ears alone, and we learn that she says the people Andry was with were killed by a horde of Jydi raiders. Konegin is angry bc he has no idea why anyone was sent to the temple bc Erida didn’t tell anyone why she sent them. one councillor points out that they hadn’t seen the Elders in a generation, so surely Konegin would have done the same as Erida had, though Erida knows that Konegin would have gone himself. Konegin says he wants to hear what Andry says for himself, and Erida says that his words are for her alone, such is the cost of the crown, and Konegin surrenders to it. after a page break, Harrsing, one of the councillors, sits alone with Erida in the council chamber and points out that Konegin hasn’t put forth his own son as a suitor. Erida says it’s bc Konegin would rather sit on the throne himself than have Erida marry his son. Harrsing points out that there are still suitable men, and Erida says that she decides who is suitable, and so far no one is. Erida says that before her dad’s death, he had only two wishes: that Erida choose her own husband, and that none be forced on her. even though Erida is a queen, she’s also a woman, and people think her lesser for it. Harrsing says that the council is behind Erida, but Erida knows that that could change if someone they preferred came along, even for Harrsing, who has known Erida from birth and served her dad before her. Erida asks Harrsing to send word to Andry and his mom that she’d like to visit, and Harrsing says after the petitions. Erida wonders how many present themselves as suitors, and Harrsing says only one but she hears he’s a looker, and Erida asks to be told something useful and all thoughts of Andry vanish in favor of the “demands of the crown”.

chapter 8: back in Andry’s POV, Andry makes tea for himself and his mom, Lady Valeri. he likes making tea bc it allows him to think about something other than blood and slaughter. his mother says “have faith in the gods” in their native tongue, and he helps her to sit down. we’re told that Lady Valeri is still beautiful despite her illness. Andry sits down next to her and thinks about his home. he’s happy to not be in the barracks anymore, where he was as a squire to a knight, but also wishes that the circumstances that allow him to live with his mother hadn’t ever happened. he continues to angst about what happened in the prologue (it’s fine, i just don’t feel like summarizing all of it). Andry’s mom asks how Andry’s petitions are going, since he’s been petitioning lords and knights bc he’s told her that he’s trying to find another knight to be squire for. he tells us that he’s sent letters, but not about being a squire. Valeri asks if there are any promising ones, and Andry says that Konegin’s son recently became a knight and will be in want of a squire. we’re told that the queen’s doctor is set to visit them today. Valeri says there’s no need, that the queen shouldn’t fuss over her, and Andry is annoyed and tells her that he’s university trained in Ibal, named Dr. Bahi. Valeri wonders why the queen is bothering with her, Andry says that Valeri served the queen’s mother and knew Erida from birth, and that Erida is compassionate. Valeri says that Andry knows the histories better than her and wonders if a ruling monarch of Galland has ever been known as compassionate. Valeri looks at the tapestries on the wall, one of which features the sword and shield of Andry’s dad slashed in two, and Valeri asks if that was the shadows of the old empire forged from compassion or blood. Andry says “Mother, please,” but Valeri stands up and tells us about her backstory: coming to the Royal Court of Ascal as a foreign bride, set apart thanks to her skin and voice. she says that she has not remained here in high esteem by being foolish and she won’t let her son be a fool either, and asks what Erida wants of him. Andry is “reluctant to put such a burden on an already burdened woman” and thus doesn’t tell his mom that the last time Erida visited, it was to try to get more information out of him as well as to warn him against saying anything about what he knows. so Andry tells his mom that she’s told Erida everything he’s told Valeri. Vlaeri wonders if Erida believed him, and Andry says he doesn’t know, but that everything she’s asked of him he’s already given, and Valeri wonders if that includes the sword he hid under Valeri’s bed. Andry is surprised and Valeri says she’s not foolish. he says he’s told no one of the Spindleblade, and his mom scoffs and says “not even me,” and he explains it was Cortael’s blade, to which Valeri says it’s “a fine blade” but wonders why he hasn’t given it to Erida or the Elders. Andry feels foolish but says that something in him tells him that he shouldn’t, and wonders if that makes any sense, and Valeri wonders if that voice belongs to the gods or simply his own instinct. he knows the voice isn’t his, and says that he dreams of what happened every night and wonders if his dad ever did the same after battles. we learn Andry was six when his dad died. Valeri says his dad never talked about it like this. Andry asks if Valeri believes what he’s said, what he’s saw, and she says “I do.” he says that they need to make arrangements, then, and be prepared for travel, and Valeri begins to protest but Andry says that they go together or not at all, and Valeri says “Then we go.” after a page break, Andry tells us he sees the shadow of the Hill of Heroes every day, and also hears “with me,” said by Sir Galland. Andry is walking with other squires for the funeral mentioned in Erida’s chapter, and one elbows him and says they’re talking to him. a squire who is called Lemon by the other boys says he deserves to know what happened, just as much as Andry. Andry says that Lemon has the right to be quiet and show some respect to the knights who died. Lemon mocks that Andry is too good for the rest of them and wonders if that’s why he survived the attack, which is being played off as an attack by Jydi raiders. Lemon says that they wouldn’t find him on the Hill, with his lord dead and himself still alive bc of the shame of it. Andry tells us that he feels shame every day, and continues to ignore Lemon’s jabbing elbow and jibes. the procession reaches the section of the Hill reserved for knights of the Lionguard, though the queen and her entourage hasn't yet arrived. three wagons bring the coffins to the Hill, draped in finery. the queen finally arrives with “a somber call of trumpets”. Andry wants to be overlooked even as he watches the queen and thinks about how he and his mother will escape. Andry decides he’ll tell the Elders what happened and give them the Spindleblade. this is what follows, about the voices.

#kat reads r breaker #spoilers #r breaker recap

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hollyhomburg · 4 years

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(1) I find everyone's reaction to your belief in Yoongi's not-straight-sexuality more than a bit telling. Kpop is full of hysterical gender/sexuality policing. Lot's of straight girls/women who don't mind the idea of 2 men sexually as long as their self-insert is inbetween. G-d forbid any depictions of actual male bi/pan/gay identity come about. The men ALWAYS have to be dominant. G-d forbid you write femdom, they clutch their pearls. Gotta split this into 2 asks as I'm running out of room.

(2) Then if you write a bisexual female as actually having sex with another woman, they freak out. And that's if you can find F/F/M in this fandom, I have found 3 whole fics with it. And the writers had loads of comments about how the readers weren't into other women. It's complete and utter crap. So it's not you, it's a whole bunch of jerks who aren't as "open-minded" as they think they are and can't handle their fantasy being messed with. I feel this needs to be said: I'm not straight, I'm bi.

(i know i said i wasn’t answering asks on this but i wanted to give your ask it’s day in the sun!), yeah its honestly like- so hard to be in this community as a queer person sometimes, because for all its faults- the twitter army community actually is pretty open. and at least there they don’t shame people for just talking bout their idols in a queer way. I saw a thread that was nearly identical to the one I posted- and it had easily 10k retweets. some hate comments sure but still.

recently I've been thinking a lot about writing a story, IDK how many people saw the little snippet I posted with like, transman Jimin, transwoman Tae, non-binary Koo, non-binary reader. and then Hyung line who are just like aggressively supportive in the “if you touch a hair on my babies heads or miss gender them at all i will absolutely shank you” “Yoongi no one says shank anymore” “okay i will absolutely BEAT YOUR ASS FIRST”

and the story would just deal with like- tae figuring out she’s trans, and then having a kind of camaraderie with the reader because at the beginning of the story she identifies fully as female. and through the story she kinda starts to feel like she can’t come out because she and tae are just- they’re the babygirls of the group- she loves the kinda bond she and tae have when they talk about makeup and fashion and feeling pretty and wanting to feel pretty.

but the m/c slowly starts to realize that liking makeup and wanting to be pretty has nothing to do with actually identifying as a woman and it kinda builds and builds until Jungkook comes out as non-binary and she kinda like breaks- and no one really knows why except for Jimin. Jimin who knows how hard it is to be one thing but still love things that alienate you from your identity.

but it ends up being mostly positive! she and Jungkook start to explore non-binaryness together. with some conversation about how its really hard to be considered a ‘real’ non-binary by the community sometimes if you started on the female side of things. like- no one questions jungkook’s non-binariness if he wears sweats one day and skirts the next. but the second the m/c does anything at all feminine they’re “just faking it for attention” and there is a sweet moment between the two of them where jungkook is like. “you’ll still be not a girl if you wear dresses in skirts, we know who you are and we get it- and if you decide you want to lean heavily one way or the other that's fine too- we’ll still love you”

i just like the idea of Jimin and jin help the reader cope with dysphoria. and jin never minds when you flip between calling him “Hyung” and “oppa” from sentence to sentence. languages can be hard and honestly, he doesn't mind, he just feels soft and protective and so possessive over you four. the youngest of your group, it makes his heart swell with pride when he sees you happy.

you have little parties where you all decide “for the next 4 hours presentation doesn't matter- I just don't want to wear a fucking binder anymore” and you do facemasks and Hobi does all of your nails because he has the steadiest hands in Bts. Namjoon is always super soft with Jimin making sure he gets up in time in the morning to take his T, being all soft and swabbing the area on his hips, finishing it up with a bandaid when he’s done.

this page for me has always been about giving comfort to the people who couldn't find it in other places in the fandom. I’ve always been willing to unpack this kind of emotional story, the trauma, the nitty-gritty. and i really think that we need to be more comfortable discussing queerness and gender identity- personhood- without distilling it down to “this is wrong” vs “this is right”

because once we start classifying things that way- we’re only a shade off from bigotry and I don't like the idea that I create content for people who are in some way homophobic. one thing certain to me- if you saw my posts about Yoongi and me saying “huh- seems like he’s probably not straight” and felt the need to send me hate because of it- you have internalized homophobia in some way shape or form.

cuz for me honestly- when I see something I don't like on the internet that I don't like- I just have a little icky feeling- and then I move on. maybe if I'm particularly upset about it I’ll make a post about it on this page- away from where anyone can see it most of the time. but to feel so enraged by the simple insinuation that someone isn’t straight- when that insinuation comes from the person's own mouth- that you need to go try and tear down the person who just wanted to talk about it- that's homophobia. plain and simple. it gives me the vibes of like- if you went to your parent and you were like “sometimes i feel like i might be a little gay” and they go “no you’re not.” like- not even letting you question or explore your identity.

well anyway- this has been a long rant. don’t know if I’ll ever write that super queer BTS drabble but who knows.

#stealth-liberal

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theexecutionerssong · 4 years

Text

SKAM FRANCE BTS MASTERPOST

This is a master post of BTS anecdotes told in interviews, at cons, screenings and on social media. Don’t click the read more if you don’t want to lose some of the magic. I know sometimes knowing too much of how a show was shot can ruin it. Also, it’s very obvious that there was more promo starting around season 3 than for the first two seasons, don’t hold it against me. Feel free to message me if you think of something else as I must have forgotten a ton of things.

CASTING, REHEARSALS, BTS IN GENERAL

Skam France had the rights for the 4 seasons first but had to follow the original script almost to a T for the first 2 and if the audience was big enough then they would be allowed to distance themselves from OG

Skam France casted actors that were as close personality wise to their characters as possible, which made it easier for the cast to identify with their characters and made the friendships developping between the characters more believable since it was also developping off screen

They were not allowed to cast underaged actors who would have been closer to the real age of the characters due to the long hours of the shooting conditions

Most of the actors come from theatre and many had no or little previous experience with shooting for a camera before

The cast isn’t allowed to watch the clips before they air.

Most of the clothes they wear in the show are their own.

During rehearsals of the first seasons, Philippine went to the board with everyone’s names on it and wrote something funny next to Zoe’s name and wanted to send it to her but she messed up and published it on her ig stories, leaking the entire cast when it was still supposed to be a secret.

Lula’s first reaction when she got the script and “met” Daphné was “oh no I’m scared. I just want to slap her, she’s insufferable”

Assa almost didn’t audition for two reasons: the casting call didn’t specify they were looking for a woman of color and French casting calls almost always say whether they are specifically looking for a black woman. If it says nothing then they are usually looking for a white person. She thought she had no chance because of that. Second reason, after accepting the casting call, she did some research and found out OG Sana was from the Maghreb and she’s not. But her agent convinced her to go through with it, the only thing the skam france team wouldn’t negotiate was that they wanted a Muslim actress. There was no way they would have casted a non muslim actress/actor for Imane and Sofiane.

Skam France was the first TV show on French TV to have a black muslim woman wearing a hijab as a main character

Paul, Robin and Axel knew each other before shooting, they’d met in Avignon.

Coline was still in her last year of high school when she shot the first two seasons.

Niels is the one who came up with a raccoon as Eliott’s spirit animal

They shoot about 15 minutes of usable content per day which is impressive (it’s usually 2-3 for movies released in theatres, 5-7 for TV programs)

When France TV told David the first two seasons were a success and they were renewing the show, he gave them a list of things he wanted to change so that he’d agree to come back to direct the next seasons, including a different camera, renewing the writers team (they included Niels), storylines, the ig content, etc. The new camera they got was a SONY Venice which allows them to play a lot with the focus/blur ratio and the cold and warm undertones, which made a major shift in the visual quality of seasons 3 and 4 compared to the previous 2.

David named Eliott after his son.

Having the teaser from Eliott’s POV was David’s idea. It’s the first remake to have a clip from the French Even’s POV

The bus stop from season 3 is fake, it doesn’t exist. It wasn’t even shot in Paris itself but in Saint Ouen.

Maxence didn’t watch OG - besides the towels in the bathroom clip - because he wanted to create his own Eliott without being too influenced, and he didn’t watch s1 and 2 of skam france either because he wanted Eliott to discover the characters without knowing their backgrounds.

Maxence wasn’t supposed to audition. He wanted to be done with his acting school before shooting anything but the head of the casting team came to watch a public class at his school and asked him to audition for Eliott at the end. David and Niels knew right away he was the one. Niels watched the audition tapes and was very impressed with another actor but within the first 3 seconds of watching Maxence, he knew it wouldn’t be anyone else. Maxence met Axel after the 3rd call back and they clicked right away. He’d broken his foot two days earlier so he was in crutches. They watched Even’s manic episode and had to improvise a similar scene but had to do with the crutches. They also went for a drink before shooting and they talked for hours, their connection was instantaneous.

When he learned Maxence was cast, Axel went on his instagram and saw the model pictures and thought he was way too hot with the abs and everything and he himself would look like a potato during the nude scenes next to him. So he got a coach and for 3 months he trained and got on a very strict diet. He was disappointed that there were no shots where you could actually see his abs properly in Skam. He had also said months before that he had gotten a coach because before they started shooting seasons 3 and 4, he had met up with Marilyn to get advice on how to carry a season and she had told him to get a coach otherwise he wouldn’t be able to keep up with the pace. So what is the truth?

It leaked that Maxence was casted in July 2018 because someone on a Korean website recognized his shoes in an IG story from when he’d been spotted at the airport months earlier but it was kept mostly under wraps. Then his and Lais’s names leaked too a couple of months later but most people hadn’t seen his face before the trailer.

David asked Axel and Maxence to give up their phones and social media during the couple of months they were shooting to be really focused and not get distracted by the outside world and they mostly did. Axel bought an mp3 to still have music, he wrote “LUCAS ♥” on it with a white out pen. He created a playlist for Lucas, including songs like Run Boy Run and I love you by Woodkid, and To Build a Home by the Cinematic Orchestra.

Maxence’s process to get ready for a shot: he does yoga and dances a lot in the morning. he puts music on and paces a room while picturing himself standing on the edge of a cliff and if at some point he feels like falling and loses his balance, it means he’s got it. He asks that all the scripts he gets be printed on the right side of the page and on the left he takes notes about what the character is feeling through 7 different states: love, hate, fear, power, vulnerability, sex and i hate myself for not remembering the last one. To play a scene properly, you have to conjure up 4 states to create one emotion. He loves that David respects his method and is able to adapt to every member of the cast’s method. He also uses his body as a tool, for example if his character has to feel lonely or unsure, he will curl up into a ball for an hour without moving and then he’ll be in the right mindset because his body is telling him he’s isolated. That’s the method he used for Eliott, he created “lost scenes” that weren’t in the script, moments in between scenes with Lucas, to get more into Eliott’s mindset.

Maxence wrote a letter to Eliott, drew a picture of him, and spent hours adding notes to the script about his personality before even trying to get into his mind.

There was a contest for the drawings in season 3. Maxence participated but didn’t get picked. Jeanne Lelièvre did!

All the social media content for seasons 3 and 4 were shot on the same day in December 2018 which is why you can see heavy winter clothing even when the content was published in May. For season 3, most ideas were Axel’s, and Maxence said no to 90%.

While shooting for seasons 3 and 4, Axel was also on stage every night for theatre

To prepare for his role in s3, Axel watched CMBYN, Moonlight, and The Office

They received more feedbacks from international fans than French ones at first. It was even a private joke between Niels and David, there were no comments in French on Youtube. Then the piano clip happened and David’s phone went crazy with notifications. He was in the editing room with Jérémy and the buzzing from his phone was non stop. They banned phones in the editing room after that.

Skam France owes part of its popularity to how accessible the cast and crew are, either on social media or IRL, with 6 entirely free events organized to get the fans and the cast and crew to meet, watch episodes together and have Q&As during seasons 3 and 4.

Skam France shooting locations have become extremely popular for the fans to hang out at and leave little mementos, to the point that the mayor of Paris has asked the team to pick completely untraceable locations, or make sure they are not in Paris itself for the next seasons

Skam France was the first remake to get renewed for 2 (possibly 4?) original seasons

Alexia and Daphné were supposed to have their own seasons they but couldn’t get the green light from Norway. He got the idea for Arthur’s story quite quickly after but they had to rework the scripts for seasons 5 and 6 a lot. Robin talked to David about his addiction to video games and how it could be a potential theme but in the end David chose deafness instead.

SEASONS 1 AND 2

It was Coline’s idea to make Alexia bi. There was a scene when Alexia mentions an ex boyfriend and she asked David “why wouldn’t it be a girl?” and his only reaction was “Ok. What’s her name?” and that’s how bi!Alexia was born.

It was also Coline’s idea to give Alexia’s colorful hair. She later regretted it because she had to bleach her hair twice to get the blue to stay and it fried her hair.

Assa’s worst memory of shooting s1 and 2 is when the girls have to carry Daphné, she kept dropping her and was afraid of hurting her.

Marilyn and Lula ruined the scene when the girls are having breakfast all together when they are on the countryside because they couldn’t stop laughing over carrots and the crunchy noise it was making. It was the last day of shooting and their nerves were all over the place.

SEASON 3

The first scene in the common room didn’t hit them that much, they didn’t realize the impact it would have because the whole shooting was just David yelling at them to look at each other then stop then do it again then stop etc

Nobody realized how big of an impact the “Moi c’est Eliott” line would have and then when they watched the clip, it was obvious.

The check de gang wasn’t scripted, it was Paul’s idea to make it a running gag. David wasn’t sure about it but after doing it just once, he was sold. Basile tripping over the bench was also Paul’s idea but he didn’t warn anyone he was doing it so Xavier started laughing and the camera was shaking so bad that they couldn’t keep it and had to reshoot the scene. They noticed during the editing process that Robin also tripped at the same time in the background during one take so they had to keep that one.

Lucas playing the piano was Axel’s idea even though he didn’t know how to play properly. He sent a text to David at the end of June with different ideas for songs and David picked the most difficult one. He then practiced anytime he could until they shot the scene in october. It took him two months to learn it completely and then a little more to make it look easy. (Niels later said it was his idea and that Axel was a cheeky little shit). Maxence had never heard Axel play the song before that moment so Eliott’s reaction is genuine. He didn’t think he’d manage to get in the right state of mind because the apartment was too small for the whole team and they were all very cranky, it was 3 am, but the moment he heard the first notes, he forgot all about it and was completely amazed.

The infiltration party: David asked that Basile pushes Daphné a bit, like shoves her out of the way when they have to run, but they hadn’t had the time to rehearse anything. After a couple of takes, Paul pushed Lula a bit too hard and she fell on her knees quite hard. He felt so bad because he never wanted to hurt her and they all had to take a half an hour break because her knees hurt. David after that was like OKAY NO MORE STUNTS EVER.

Axel got mad at the makeup department because the two lines on his face were not on the same place when they shot the outside scene and then once inside. He got so angry he could have cried that they wouldn’t believe him. So during the shooting he looked straight at the camera and wiped them away with the back of his hand to force them to draw the lines properly.

The first kiss scene: they had been shooting for 12 hours. It was raining intermittently all day so the team had to pack up the cameras often and wait it out when it was too much. They ran 4 hours late. They had a fake rain machine but no change of clothes so they could only shoot once. Below the bridge is not easily accessible, it’s a long path from the gate, so they used ropes to get things up and down from the bridge. They only had one shot. They had already shot kissing scenes but David was always telling them it had to be more passionate and kept yelling at them to use more tongue so for that shot they gave it their everything on the first (and only) take they did. 5 minutes later they were shooting the Remember scene.

They shot all the scenes in the colloc on the first week of shooting. Minute by minute was shot right before Samedi 9h17. They had to restart shooting samedi 9h17 four times because something wasn’t working between Axel and Maxence, they were clumsy and stressed. After taking 5 minutes to themselves with David to remind themselves of how pivotal the scene was, Axel and Maxence said they were ready and they shot the opening scene that made the cut.

The Phase de latence clip : Axel and Maxence felt like terrible actors because they had already shot all the big very emotional scenes and this was a bit tamer since Eliott doesn’t show much emotions. They felt that way about all the scenes shot in the school.

The Fête de trop clip: They shot the fight with the guys 8 times but it wasn’t enough for David until Robin slapped Axel on the 9th. After that they shot Chloé yelling at Lucas. Axel was still out of it due to the slap he’d gotten earlier that he hadn’t expected. At 3am, they finished with Lucas injuring his hands. Axel cracked the metacarpus in his hand and only told David two days later.

Leo has talked about the coming out bench scene and said Yann took it a bit too far and was too dramatic, he was like “i don’t know if i can say that… but c’mon… I mean. C’mon… that’s your best friend… who cares if he didn’t tell you right away, he had bigger problems on his mind, right?”He would have done it differently.

The “viens on n’en parle pas” scene was shot in 50 minutes in the middle of the night on the second day of shooting. Marilyn and Axel’s emotions were briming under the surface so it was one of the easiest scene to shoot.

The hardest scene to shoot for David in s3 was the intervention clip. It was the second day of shooting, the 4th clip of the day. Axel’s first take was not good enough and David was scared it would set the tone for the season. He had a stern talk with Axel. Thankfully, they shot a second time and it was the right one, everyone on set was crying and Axel was completely drained.

The scene where they go get the couch from the creepy place is the one they shot last for season 3.

The paint scene: they only had one try. Axel and Maxence hadn’t shot together for a week, David had done it on purpose and they’d missed each other. It was shot on a Friday at the exact time it was supposed to happen IRL. The whole thing lasts 14 minutes long. David took their pants off because they were slipping too much. Xavier almost stopped filming he was like “is he serious? did he just take their pants off??”. They shot a part when one of them slips on the ground and the other follows but that didn’t make the cut. There were 25 people on set, everyone in a suit to protect from the paint, but Axel and Maxence forgot everyone and just got lost in their characters. When David yelled cut, Axel and Maxence didn’t hear him and kept making out. David had to separate them. Then they all were so happy that they yelled their joy but then saw all the people who were behind the camera, and everyone was crying, like they had witnessed something too intimate. They showered for an hour, emptied 2 bottles of soap and even then it wasn’t enough, Axel still had paint running down his neck at a party that evening. The music used on set was Dreamer, the Khlar remix. Maxence was upset it wasn’t the one they ended up using in the clip, it felt like a betrayal because it “wasn’t the song they had made love to”.

Maxence fought with the costume department over the briefs he was wearing in the paint scene, because they had shot the PONI scene first and he could remember which ones he was wearing for the PONI scene and he wanted to wear the same ones. He was sure people would notice.

The first scene Maxence ever shot was the PONI scene.

The boat scene was quite special. It was a big moment for Maxence, he was extremely nervous, so David reduced the team on set as much as he could. Maxence got upset at Axel for being too present during the scene. Being used to a theatre stage, Axel is always a bit over the top, eating his ham with a flourish, stuff like that, but this was supposed to be Eliott’s big scene. Maxence asked for a break and told David that if Axel didn’t tone it down, he’d kill him. That also got resolved quickly.

The Remember Me scene: the priest is Lula’s dad. Lula and Niels both make a cameo in the church. They forgot to warn Axel that a car was coming when he’s running so his reaction is genuine. He was running so fast, the minivan with the camera couldn’t keep up so they shot it twice. They shot Lucas finding Eliott under the bridge just after shooting the first kiss. Maxence only had 4 minutes to get into the right state of mind which was extremely challenging and during that time he had to change his clothes, dry his hair and redo his makeup. Axel wasn’t feeling very well, he was exhausted after having shot 4 clips that day, but David told him he could do it so he ran on the path to the bridge harder than ever (David thought he was going to hurt his sinews) and when he fell to his knees, he was close to passing out, you can actually hear when he says the first “t’es pas tout seul” that he’s about to throw up / can’t breathe properly. They only shot that part once and after it was done David told them they should hug each other because what they had just done with Lucas and Eliott was precious and a moment to remember.

There was supposed to be a scene after the Remember scene but it was cut. Eliott is sleeping, Lucas brings him food and starts reading his book and then Eliott wakes up. They say hi, Eliott is confused about the time it is, it’s already late afternoon. He says he needs to leave, but Lucas tells him no. He keeps saying he has to go, he has to go to his parents. Lucas tells him it’s fine, they’ve been warned of where he is. But he says he’s got to leave anyway. Lucas asks him why he keeps insisting he needs to leave and Eliott tells him he just doesn’t want Lucas to see him like this. Lucas tells him he doesn’t mind. Then he starts teasing him, saying Eliott just wants to leave because he doesn’t want to own up to the fact that he lied to him. Eliott is confused. Lucas reminds him that he’d said there was no way he would ever be able to sleep next to a guy that hot (on the boat) and yet here they are actually taking naps. So Eliott must have lied to Lucas about finding him hot. Eliott says he’s an idiot and Lucas tells him that at least he’s not a liar at that what matters is that he is his idiot. “Congrats, you’re now the owner of an idiot… more or less hot” Eliott tells him he’s won and asks what they should do now. Lucas answers that they should start by saying hi properly and they kiss, and when they pull back they just look at each other whispering “salut”. Axel said he was upset at David for cutting the scene because it was so soft and intimate, he called him when he watched the episode to ask why he cut it, but it would have been too repetitive with the following Lundi 17h21 clip.

Lundi 17h21 is the second clip Maxence shot. Lucas’s “T’es beau quand tu rigoles” wasn’t scripted, Axel changed the script, he was supposed to say something about liking seeing Eliott smile.

The Je t’aime scene: the first shot they did was the most emotional one, it was one of the hardest scenes emotionally for Axel. He was crying so so much, he had tears and snot everywhere, and Maxence was just wiping it away so tenderly that David thought about keeping that shot but the snot was REALLY disgusting so they didn’t keep it. They shot it a few more times, except that then Maxence had to leave. So the shot of Lucas saying Moi aussi is actually to David. Axel said it didn’t feel weird because he does love David so it felt true.

SEASON 4

Assa sat down with the team before they wrote anything for the season and told them her whole life story. It lasted 4 hours and she cried when reading the script because they had included so many things she had told them, it felt like her and Imane were one.

Making Assa dance was Philippine’s idea. David asked her what she thought about when thinking of Assa, something that was really her and Philippine said “Dada, you should see her dance”

Moussa and Assa knew each other before since they had filmed together 5 years prior, a movie in which they already were siblings. They feel like siblings in real life.

The worst clip to shoot was on Lais’s first day of shooting, it was the bus clip. The shooting conditions were terrible, there was too much noise, and the crew was tired from having shot the 3 bus stop clips from season 3 earlier that day. David was convinced there would be nothing to save and they would have to rent another bus but the team worked their magic in post prod and it turned out amazing.

They shot the scene with Imane, Lucas and Eliott in class the day after Halloween. Maxence was at a party the night before and lost track of time. He had to take a taxi straight from the party to the set at 6am and showed up in full zombie costume and makeup.

Charles come back: it had been cloudy and raining all day but the moment the camera was on the girls’ faces, a ray of sunlight appeared and the wind blew in their hair, making it a real dramatic moment. Too good to pass on, it’s the shot they kept.

The fight between Lucas and Eliott that we vaguely hear in the background was just gibberish. Axel and Maxence hadn’t prepared anything and Axel just ended up shouting at Maxence things like YOU LIED TO ME BEFORE ABOUT LUCILLE YOU MIGHT BE DOING IT AGAIN ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE and Maxence NO I WOULD NEVER - BUT YOU DID - NO I WOULDN’T - YES YOU DID - NO and they kept going in circles so David was like “guys…. please, you might want to start screaming about something else or this is gonna sound very repetitive” but in the end we can barely hear anything so it didn’t matter much

When Alex comes to pick up Emma to go to the cinema, Assa had a break down and couldn’t stop laughing, hiding under a blanket and making all the girls laugh too with her. David had to scold them a bit to get them to stop.

Lais also ruined a clip by laughing for 15 minutes straight, it’s the clip at Imane’s house when they talk about the fair. It was the longest 15 minutes of the crew’s life.

The oui oui song during Daphné’s birthday party wasn’t planned, the team just lost control of the cast. Axel started it and everyone followed. The cast are actually terrible extras. They are too dramatic and noticeable in the background so party scenes like Daphné’s birthday were a nightmare to shoot.

Assa and Laïs rehearsed the Unknown dance clip every chance they got between every take, everyone kept tripping on them in the corridors.

The last sequences they filmed were actually the last clips at Imane’s house for the Eïd. Axel isn’t in the last shot because he had to leave for his play. He actually ruined the very last clip of season 4 by shouting his goodbyes to David from across the corner.

SEASON 5

The auditions for season 5 and 6 were held in June. Lucas was spotted through his youtube channel and asked to audition.

Coline learned sign language by herself after an initiation class with the whole team. She started signing in July and has been practicing ever since. Robin took a one week class in September and then kept practicing by himself and with the D/deaf people on set. David and the rest of the team also took an initiation class.

Robin doesn’t like water and was anxious about the scenes in the pool. David got in the water with Xavier, Robin and Winona to reassure him and direct them better. They limited the number of extras around the pool because of that.

The place where Eliott works is where David used to work when he was younger.

Coline wrote a song for the season

They couldn��t leave the mural in the high school so they took it off the wall (it wasn’t actually painted on the wall itself) and cut it into pieces. There are a few pieces framed on the walls of Lucas and Eliott’s flat.

#skam france #skam france bts #gaelle parle

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nini-trash-forever · 3 years

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I'm sorry those anons are being so inflammatory towards you. You don't deserve to be spoken to that way, and even if I disagree with your beliefs, I see you mean well and you are a part of my community. Here's an article I found helpful in explaining bi and pan to me aninjusticemag. com/the-history-and-troubling-present-of-the-pansexual-label-9e535e15277 I hope it's interesting, if not illuminating

Hey, thank you so much. I read some of it, I will definitely come back to the article later if I feel like I need to add on (as I’m a little busy right now). But at the very start there is something that needs to be addressed: “No sexuality inherently excludes transgender or nonbinary people.” I completely agree with this, but it’s stating this as if most Pansexual people don’t agree with it. Most of us do! I feel like most of the misunderstanding comes from pansexuality trying too hard to differentiate itself from bisexuality. In the process, there has definitely been some missteps in how things were explained. As someone who is nonbinary, I would hope that the person (or people) I end up with accept me for me and not take on a label to “be inclusive” or something. The past of pansexuality is controversial but so is bisexuality. So much of the two identities are twisted together, especially their pasts (for better or worse). I’ve said before that the distinction isn’t big but it matters to some people. That’s okay. I tried to identify as bisexual for a long time, but I felt more comfortable with Pansexual. “Almost every modern description of pansexuality not only denies this history but bases itself on — and perpetuates — the misconceptions listed above, if not other forms of bigotry.” This— I don’t know how well I can explain this— but it’s false. Bisexuality is its own identity but also an umbrella term, much like transgender. That’s why many people use the definition of “attraction to two or more genders” for bisexuality. It allows for those who identify as bisexual and have attraction to more than two identities to be recognized, while also making room for sexualities that have similarities to bisexuality such as pansexuality, omnisexuality, and polysexuality. At the time of the creation of the term Pansexual in it’s early stages, trans people had very little representation, and most straight people wouldn’t dare be with trans people. Trans people felt excluded. Bisexuality was a great stepping stone just as pansexuality. To say it was only pansexuality with a problematic past is disingenuous. What was considered the correct definition in the 70s is very different from what it is in 2021. Languages change over time, they have to adapt. Think of how quick some memes have died on the internet. It is the principle of how societies change. You don’t hear many people use the term “transsexual” anymore because there was a lot of ignorance, and how people viewed it and talked about it changed over time. There is definitely some misinformation about pansexuality out there, and it is being used against us. I encourage you to look into how many of those quotes from the article timeline are actually from Pansexual people (if you are even able to find that information). My bet is, most of them are straight and cisgender. It is hard to describe a community you are a part of because everyone is different, it’s even harder if you’ve never been from that community. I, as a white person, could never truly explain or understand the struggles of black people. So much of what I saw as a child was stereotypical. Seeing a minority of a certain group should not confirm a bias of a group of people. Most of the people that I know who are Pansexual had identified as bisexual at one point, are dating a bisexual, or openly speak out against biphobia. Not only that, but because Pansexual falls under the bi umbrella, biphobia also affects us. There is so much more I want to talk about from what I’ve stated so far, but it will have to wait until later.

#pansexual #panphobia #bisexual #biphopia #transgender #transphobia #nonbinary #enby #enbyphobia

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sanderssidesfanfiction · 3 years

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If There’s a Place I Could Be - Chapter Twenty

If There’s a Place I Could Be Tag

January 23rd, 2001

“Ew, Valentine’s Day is coming up,” Remy said, checking their calendar and wrinkling his nose.

“What’s wrong with Valentine’s?” Emile asked.

“It’s an excuse for people to raise the price of roses and chocolates and if you so much as think that it’s not a big deal, you get two dozen people in your face trying to tell you otherwise,” Remy said. “Commercialism at its finest.”

Emile laughed. “I like Valentine’s. It’s a day where you can show who you love without any worry about being shamed or picked on for it, because you’re supposed to be a sap on Valentine’s day.”

“Of course you’d see it that way, you’re bi,” Remy scoffed. “You don’t have to hide your romantic intents from the world if you want to feel safe.”

Emile was stunned, and when the silence prolonged, Remy went back to whatever he had been doing before. But Emile was still reeling. Did Remy not...feel safe pursuing love most of the time?

If that was the case, why did he tolerate Emile being close with him?

February 14th, 2001

Emile saw Remy wearing that outfit again, the one that he had worn when they had gotten back from the thrift shop. He didn’t know what that outfit signified to Remy, but it was certainly important. Emile smiled at Remy as they both worked around each other for breakfast. “Morning, girl,” he said casually.

Remy nodded, almost as if he didn’t realize Emile had used “girl” for him...her? No, Remy said he wasn’t a trans woman, so it must have been him. Emile continued to butter his toast until Remy said, “You know, you can’t just call me girl in front of your friends or at my work.”

“Well, if you start doing it to me, too, everyone will assume it’s an inside joke or something. And it seems to make you comfortable, and I want you to be comfortable,” Emile said.

Remy turned to him, and Emile winced at the look on Remy’s face. “Still, I’d rather not risk it just yet, you know? Just using ‘Remy’ or ‘Rem’ is fine.”

The fear in Remy’s eyes hurt Emile. “Okay,” he said. “Should I avoid pronouns?”

“Nah. I’m still a guy, Emile. I just feel more feminine today,” Remy said, pouring himself coffee. “He and him are fine. Maybe avoid calling me ‘dude,’ because that just feels weird, but I’m not picky about pronouns.”

“Have you ever considered...you might be trans?” Emile asked.

“I have,” Remy said. “And there are days where I wish I had been born a girl. But it more has to do with how my mother treated Vanessa, I think. It’s not even a permanent thing. I don’t always wish that, I don’t even wish for it often. Today I just...I don’t know. I feel more like indulging my feminine side.”

“Okay,” Emile said. He didn’t think much more of it. He had heard some individuals talk about people who didn’t feel like a guy or a girl, but Remy had said he felt like a feminine guy, so he didn’t identify with...whatever they called that label. He hadn’t come across it often. “Got any plans for Valentine’s today?”

“Not really,” Remy said. “We could go to the club, but that hasn’t been as much fun lately. I don’t have anyone who’d be willing to be my date, either, so I’m probably just gonna be stuck here for the night.”

“Who says that you’ll be stuck here for the night?” Emile asked. “If you don’t have plans we could go out together as friends.”

“On Valentine’s Day?! Are you crazy?!” Remy asked.

“I mean, people have called me crazy before, but I don’t understand the correlation here,” Emile replied simply.

“People will think we’re a couple, Emile!” Remy exclaimed.

“And that’s...a bad thing?” Emile asked.

“It’s not bad, but it’s not...it’s not good, either,” Remy said, looking away and blushing deeply.

“Why are you so embarrassed?” Emile asked. “You don’t...see me being around as a bad thing, do you? It’s not that you don’t want to associate with me?”

“It’s not that at all!” Remy exclaimed. He crossed his arms. “I love getting to hang around with you! It’s just...on Valentine’s, people will definitely think we’re an item.”

“But you’re not trying to get any guys to date you as of late, so why is that a bad thing?” Emile pressed.

Remy threw his hands up in the air as he exclaimed, “Because maybe I want that to be the case and it hurts when I remember it isn’t!”

The apartment fell silent. Emile stood there, thoroughly shocked. How was he supposed to respond to that? He stood, rooted in his spot, unable to move. Remy was staring at him expectantly, before his eyes dropped to the floor. “You don’t feel the same,” Remy said, voice hollow.

“Rem, I—”

“No, it’s okay, Emile,” Remy said, hugging himself. “I knew it was a long shot anyway. After all, you’re always so insistent that we’re friends. Nothing more. It’s fine that you don’t feel the same way.”

“I...just because I don’t have feelings for you like that, Rem, doesn’t mean I don’t care about you,” Emile said. “You’re my best friend. And I know that might not be what you want, but it’s no small feat, either. I wouldn’t suggest dinner out on Valentine’s with just any friend.”

Remy took a shaky breath and Emile could feel his heart starting to break. He hoped that Remy wasn’t regretting being friends with Emile. “I’m so stupid,” Remy muttered, voice choked up. “I told myself, no catching feelings. And what do I do? I get feelings and make a fool of myself, on Valentine’s Day no less.”

“Hey, Remy, no,” Emile said. “You’re not stupid, and you didn’t make a fool out of yourself, okay? It’s all right. I just...I don’t...I know this probably doesn’t help right now, but this doesn’t change anything. You’re still my best friend.”

“You’re right, that doesn’t help,” Remy spat, but the venom didn’t seem directed at Emile. “I need...I need some time. Do you...don’t you have a shift today?”

“Yeah,” Emile said. “Yeah, I do. I’ll be out of your hair soon enough.”

Remy sniffled, and Emile reached out a hand, but Remy flinched away. He grabbed his coffee, grabbed a granola bar, and retreated to his room. Emile watched him go, feeling a heavy weight settle in his chest. There was nothing he could do to help Remy right now. When he got back from work, maybe they could talk as they watched TV. But Emile had to eat and run.

So that’s what he did. He ate his toast quickly, put the plate in the sink, changed into his uniform, and left the apartment. After the door closed, faint screaming could be heard, and tears welled up in Emile’s eyes. He didn’t mean to hurt Remy, not ever, but especially not like this. He was worried. He really didn’t want Remy to do anything drastic while Emile was gone, but there wasn’t anything he could do.

Still, today was a Wednesday, and with any luck, Remy would be able to talk about this in therapy. Emile hoped that Remy would hold out that long as he got in his car and drove to work. He had classes afterwards, and the next time he’d be home was when it was time to give Remy a ride to his therapy appointment. He had been hoping that they might be able to do dinner afterwards, but clearly, that wasn’t going to be good for either of them.

Emile spent the whole day thinking about Remy with worry. Remy had a shift at work for the lunch rush, but other than that he wasn’t doing anything. That left him with a lot of time to think, a lot of time to do something drastic if he decided it was time for that. Emile nearly snapped his pencil in two in class when he realized that Remy could very well be hurting himself as he sat here, taking notes.

Swallowing thickly, the second class was over he sprinted out of there, getting into his car and driving home. He sprinted up the apartment steps, tears clouding his eyes. He flung the door to the apartment open wide, and called, “Remy?!”

He got no immediate response, and his heart leapt into his throat. He closed the door, setting down his stuff at their table. He turned to find Remy sitting on the floor in front of the TV, eyes glassy. “Remy?” Emile asked, walking over and crouching down in front of him. “Remy, are you okay?”

Remy finally seemed to notice his presence. “Emile?” he asked. “Class over already?”

“Yeah, we’ve gotta get to therapy soon,” he said. “You okay?”

Remy looked away from Emile and sighed. “I’ve been thinking about what you said this morning,” he said. “And...and I’m glad that even if we can’t be together, we can still be friends. Because...because I don’t want to lose you.”

Emile sagged in relief. “Good,” he said. “I was worried all day that you would do something drastic.”

Remy snorted. “Nah. I’m not really the self-harm type. Besides...” Remy trailed off. “I’m not sure if you want to hear that, actually.”

“Besides what? It’s okay,” Emile said, standing and offering Remy a hand.

Remy took it and stood. “I knew that if I hurt myself you wouldn’t approve,” he said. “And you’d blame yourself. And I don’t want that.”

Emile smiled softly. “You think of me with that?”

“Is that weird?” Remy asked.

“If it keeps you from hurting yourself, I’m all for it,” Emile said. “I don’t think it’s weird at all. Plenty of people have lists of reasons not to harm themselves or others.”

“Ah. So I’m not unique in this scenario,” Remy said with a chuckle.

“Not a bad thing,” Emile pointed out. “It means you can relate to other people and they might be able to help you add to that list.”

“Mm,” Remy hummed.

“Remy...you’re not drunk, are you? Or high?” Emile asked.

“No,” Remy said. “I did have...a very long nap this morning, and then worked a three-hour shift, and then came home and sat down, and slept more, I guess. So I’m just...very very groggy.”

“Do you still think you’re up for therapy?” Emile asked.

“I don’t know, but I know I need to talk about this morning with someone,” Remy said. “So I guess I’m going.”

Emile paused. He didn’t want to apologize to Remy, because he wasn’t sorry about being honest about how he felt in their relationship. But at the same time, his heart ached to see Remy like this. “Hey, Rem?” Emile asked.

“Yeah?”

“Don’t beat yourself up over this, all right?” Emile pleaded. “I’m glad you told me. That’s better than suffering in silence while I take you on pseudo-dates that wind up hurting you more. And if you want, we can stop going out for dinner together as much, if you think that would help.”

Remy shrugged. “I can’t guarantee I won’t beat myself up,” he said. “But I don’t want us to stop the dinners. Maybe just...once a month or so instead? Make it a special treat, maybe invite some of your other friends. You know, make it feel less like a date.”

“I can work with that,” Emile readily agreed. “You ready to go?”

“As I’ll ever be,” Remy said with a sigh. He grabbed his leather jacket and Emile laughed. “I almost regret getting you that thing, you’re gonna wear it through.”

Remy made a concerned noise. “But I love it, you can’t say you regret getting me something I love!”

“I said ‘almost,’ Rem,” Emile said. “And besides, I’m not the one who’ll have to buy you a new one when you wear through the old one you have now. That duty will fall onto you. Or your significant other at the time, who knows.”

“I don’t really want to think about significant others at the moment, Emile,” Remy sighed.

“Fair enough,” Emile said.

They drove to the office that held the therapy practice, and Emile dropped Remy off before going to the store and buying the cheapest candy they had left, a bunch of Tootsie Pops tied with ribbon. Hopefully Remy wouldn’t take the peace offering too poorly.

When he got back to the therapy practice, it was just as Remy was walking out of the back office. It was clear to Emile that Remy had been crying somewhat. But he smiled when he saw Emile, which Emile would take as a win. “Hey, I got you something that we can share, if you want,” he said, offering the bouquet of lollipops out to Remy.

Remy laughed, genuinely, and took a grape one from the bunch. “Sure, why not, you dork,” he said.

Emile grinned and took that, too, as a win. “I would argue that you’re the bigger dork.”

“You keep telling yourself that, girl,” Remy said with a grin. “But I’ll always know the truth. You’re the best worst dork I know.”

#if there's a place i could be #sanders sides fanfiction #remile #emile picani #ts sleep

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the-queer-look · 3 years

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Couple Theory

Name: Lucy Age: 24 Location: Glebe Occupation: Bush Regenerator Sexual Orientation: Lesbian Gender: Female

Name: Aisling Age: 21 Location: Glebe Occupation: Customer Service Sexual Orientation: Queer Gender: Female

Lucy – I feel like I’m still figuring out how I’m comfortable presenting because I didn’t come out till I was twenty, which was quite a time after I realised I was gay at sixteen. When I moved to Sydney I really wanted to show people that I was queer, and with much of my influence being from the internet, I wore a lot of the stereotypical lesbian clothing I saw on there – mostly sporty sorts of clothing – but as I’ve gone through, whenever I find something that I don’t hate myself in I wear it over and over again until something new comes along. Recently I’ve been vibing with the look of boots, singlet tops, and making my tattoos very visible. I make myself look somewhat unapproachable with my resting face being a frown, and my outfits being if not aggressive, then non-welcoming, but if people do actually come up to me I really want people to like me, so it all falls away.

Aisling – My daily presentation is just the easy T-shirts and jeans, lots of bouldering merch, maybe a button up if I’m being a little fancy, just a classic chapstick lesbian.

Lucy – Where did your inspo for that come from?

Aisling – What? Jeans and a shirt? Does that need inspiration? I guess I tuck my shirt in to make sure its queer? I have a lot of Vans, and a milk crate full of socks I guess. I used to save up money when I was in high school to put towards my first pair of Vans and I was so excited. I think I have twenty pairs now? Lots of converse, runners, and climbing shoes as well. Colourful socks and shoes are my thing I guess.

Lucy – I remember I was sixteen when I realised I liked girls, but I don’t know what triggered it. I think it was something on TV? I think it was an NCIS episode and they had a really awful portrayal of lesbians, who were identified as gay because at the end of the episode they held hands, and that triggered some kind of twinge in my chest that I’d never felt before.

Ailing – That was your gay bone

Lucy – My gay bone?

K – Yeah, your sternum is your gay bone

Ailing – I’ve torn that twice from being too gay

K – you need to remember to stretch before going out and being gay all night.

Lucy – It was a really weird feeling, I didn’t know what it was. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, so I went and found out about the episode, and it was of course one of those “oh no homosexuals are evil” sorts of plots. I think that negative portrayal contributed to my negative feelings about being gay, and being so scared to come out. I don’t know where else that would have come from because my parents never expressed any opinion about homosexuality. Those feelings were confirmed when I had my first crush on a girl in my school. I was nauseous more than anything when I realised it, and I just ignored that feeling for years which isn’t healthy. What helped me overcome it though, as I’m sure helped a lot of people from small towns with not much queer representation was the internet, and YouTubers, The Legend of Korra, and Tumblr. (The ending of Legend of Korra) was ust so beautiful, and so revolutionary as well. I remember seeing the ship of Korra and Asami come up on my tumblr, but it was years before the end fo the show, when it actually happened. I remember watching it on a family holiday trip and had to leave the dining table and I was shaking and crying because it was such a huge, beautiful moment that was probably one of the most significant moments of accepting myself. Looking back I definitely associate that final image of them holding hands before going to the spirit world together with my final stage of accepting who I am.

Moving to Sydney was my time to finally come out and explore. I came out to one of my Canadian exchange friends who was here, and they took me to Birdcage (lesbian nightclub in Sydney) where I met some of my friends. My first time in a queer club was like being surrounded by a family who I felt like I knew even though I hadn’t met any of them. That was also the year that the marriage equality vote was passed, So I took that opportunity to find out what my parents thought about homosexuality by asking them what they were voting for. They both said they were voting yes, which made me feel comfortable enough to come out to them the next week.

I’m still learning what are the most appropriate ways to describe myself and my relationship with myself, and how to present myself to the world. The more I learn, the more I will change the way I present myself, and there is a lot more of myself to explore.

Aisling – I think I was around thirteen or fourteen when I saw the show “faking it” - a show about a girl in high school figuring out her sexuality – and I just noticed that I was relating to every situation that the character was going through, and suddenly realised I was questioning my sexuality. I mentioned it to one of my friends that I used to walk to school with, and she would just keep egging me on with “come on just say it, just say you’re gay its fine”. I came out to her as bi at one stage, but I didn’t like that term, I didn’t like the term lesbian either, and still don’t, I prefer to think of myself as queer, or just gay.

When I actually came out two or so years later, I remember telling my close friend group that I was bi… and then later that week just said “nah I’m gay actually”. It was about 7:30pm, on a Wednesday night, after basketball, in the shower talking to myself saying “im gonna do this, im gonna do this”. Just me and my dad home, I psyched myself up for ages and then walked in and out of the kitchen about five times before going “Dad, I have something to tell you” sweating bullets “Dad, I’m gay la di da.”

Lucy – La di da?

Aisling – yes, Father, it’s la di da for me I’m afraid

Lucy – please put my sexuality down as la di da

Aisling – The first thing he said to me was “yeah I always thought you had a bigger obsession with the female tennis players than the men.” and yeah damn he had me there. I hate that I remember the day and everything… like the first of September 2016?

I moved out from my mum to my dad’s mostly because my mum’s partner at the time was very homophobic, and any dinner conversation would turn to him deriding gay marriage, or coming out with some racist shit. Eventually I decided “this bothers me too much, I’m going to have to say something” and it was… really upsetting when he didn’t agree. So of course I came out to my dad first and made him tell mum, which was then an interesting conversation…

“Your father tells me you’ve told him you’re gay?”

“yep, that’s it”

She contacted my school supervisor that night and told all of my teachers to look out for any homophobic acts towards me, letting them know that I was gay and to look out for me.

Lucy – I feel like together we tick a lot of stereotypes

Aisling – We really do

Lucy – We moved in together really quickly

Aisling – We own a cat together

Lucy – Theres that Subaru…

Aisling – I also had a lot of influence from those same queer YouTubers, and seeing their coming out videos and how free they felt afterwards made me really want to share it.

Immediately after I came out everyone at school was very supportive, like they already knew and assumed I was gay because I was just that sporty chick, so being gay just sorta went with it?

Lucy – I think I looked for validation from my parents. When I came out to mum there was no huge deal made about it, butI think validation from them comes in small snippets. Every time mum sends me something, like recently she arranged her coloured chopping boards into a rainbow and sent me a picture with “these are for you!” it’s very small, but its very significant. When I had a really big hickey on my neck, my dad said

“oh who gave you that on your neck? Does he sleep in a coffin?”

“it was a she actually”

“oh does she sleep in a coffin then?”

he just wanted to channel it into a dad joke, but it was a weird way to come out to him actually.

Aisling – To me the term Queer means “everyone included” even just an ally of the community, or a parent of an LGBT person doing your best to make them feel safe and welcome, you’re welcome in the community you know? By properly supporting something, you become a part of it.

Lucy – For me it’s very similar with those lines of community and family. It can be a label, but I feel that its evolving more into a term that indicates embracing all people. I use it sometimes to refer to a collective group of… well queer people. I refer to my close friends as my queer family.

Aisling – It feels better to use than assuming someone’s sexuality or gender without knowing the specifics.

Lucy – Individually I wouldn’t refer to any of my friends as queer. I know one friend refers to himself specifically as a bisexual, man, rather than a queer person. So I definitely like its a more family, community term, rather than a specific label, though It can still be used as one.

Aisling – I like the term because when I first came out I identified as bi, then gay, then bi, then gay, than they? And it feels more appropriate to use for myself because I’m still working it out, and it can cover a lot. For example I don’t think of myself as completely feminine, but I also don’t like the term non-binary to refer to myself, but the idea of “They” still, rather than just being she/her, I like the idea of she/they. And referring to myself as queer feels more of an accurate description.

Lucy – Ever since moving to Sydney and coming out and going to that first club night I’ve always thrown myself into as many queer events as I possibly could. I want to be able to contribute more to the community rather than just be involved in it, a lot of my friends are very engaged in the queer community, and I feel like I don’t have that level of involvement. I love that I’m never scared or intimidated to go to queer events, by myself or with my friends. Whilst I feel very connected to the queer community, I wish I could be more involved. I’m scared that since my friend group is all finishing university and looking to the future, that I’ll lose that sense of connection as everyone moves away, even though I’m sure we’ll all stay in touch.

Aisling – I feel little to no involvement in the queer community at the moment because I’m focusing so hard on my training. I’m involved with Queer Climbers Sydney though, and am looking to get more involved in the future, as soon as I have the time to do stuff.

Lucy – Challenges facing the queer community here isn Sydney… I feel like we need to create a wider variety of safer spaces in more areas. There’re certain areas of Sydney where queer people I know just don’t feel as comfortable. And the ones we do have are always pubs and clubs. Not to detract from queer nightlife; but having so much of queer culture based around adult only areas reinforces the idea that being gay, or trans, or whatever is an adult thing, and makes it easier for people to excuse restricting education about it to kids, which can be so harmful growing up and not having the education to understand yourself.

Aisling – I feel like theres more acceptance towards gay, lesbian, and bi people. But there’s less of an acceptance of trans people, like they can understand being gay, but they cant seem to understand what a trans person even is, much less how to approach them. Probably need more education about it in schools. More comprehensive sex ed instead of just how to put a condom on a fucking banana.

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