#i spent so long on my last meta about the punisher and that has no notes

[transboykirito]

kazuto and anti-hero, meta lyric analysis featuring me crying

i'm literally crying to this song as i write this so let's see how this goes. it's him, y'all. it is.

here's the song (the music video is a masterpiece)

i have this thing where i get older but just never wiser,

this is basically saying "i don't learn my lessons, i keep making immature mistakes and i don't know how to grow up". it reminds me of the scene in war of underworld where kazuto revisits the moments of his past, with the perspective of a few years. it also reminds me of the scene in the fairy dance arc where he says he's going to give up and accept reality, because it was immature to think he could overcome the system just because he wanted to.

midnights become my afternoons

this lyric refers to staying up all night, working yourself late into the night overthinking

when my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people i've ghosted stand there in the room

"when i stay up all night in self-loathing and regret and worry and depression, i think about all of the people i left in my past" basically. it obviously puts me in mind of the scene in war of underworld that i mentioned before, looking back on his past in his darkest hour, and the moment where asuna, suguha, shino and eugeo appear as "ghosts".

i made a gifset of this lyric with that scene.

it especially resonates with his relationship with suguha, in my opinion. he ignored her for years and did pretty irreparable damage to their relationship (even they admit it, no matter how close they become now, the years they spent apart have done damage). he regretted it for so long, and he spent so much time in aincrad hating himself for it.

in a cruel irony, he keeps finding reminders of her in that world, when she's out of reach - agatha, silica, even sachi to a degree. when he's already overthinking everything and in crisis, it's like she's a ghost in the room haunting him with his guilt and regret.

i should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, i end up in crisis

kazuto is someone who, surprisingly, doesn't do well when he's alone. in fact, most of the times when we see him isolate himself, he's doing it to punish himself, like when the black cats died and he swore off guilds and people because he didn't protect them, or when he and suguha fight and he shuts himself away from her because he hurt her again. the last time kazuto is "alone" (despite alice), he tries to kill himself. that's a crisis. this lyric essentially says "when i'm alone i end up overthinking and i end up going down self-destructive and detrimental paths".

tale as old as time

this is part of the last lyric, but. it's a tongue-in-cheek, minorly sarcastic jab at the narrator (taylor swift, kazuto kirigaya, etc. the person narrating the lyrics, you get the idea) saying "i've been doing this (the self-destruction) forever, i always do it and i've come to expect it, so has everyone around me".

this tone carries through most, if not all of the song. the narrator is tired of themself, and they can feel everyone around them growing tired of them too. it's self-aware and self-deprecating, confessional and open with just a hint of sarcastic predictability.

i wake up screaming from dreaming one day i'll watch as you're leaving, 'cause you got tired of my scheming for the last time

the obvious parallel first, "i wake screaming from dreaming one day i'll watch as you're leaving" is kazuto so many times through the series. he struggles with ptsd, obviously, and we see him struggle with imposter syndome and feelings of inadequacy, especially involving feeling like he isn't good enough for the people he loves, and that he'll fail to protect them.

so, for the second half of this lyric, it actually just reminds me of that sarcasm and self-awareness i mentioned earlier. the original intention of the lyric is closer to "i plan everything meticulously and i need to have the upper hand in every situation to protect myself" which i think kazuto would relate to to some extent, but... for him specifically i think of it more referring to his little habits and pranks and impulsive behaviour, asking "how far do i have to push it before this annoys you too much and you get tired and leave?"

everyone knows kazuto as being a lovable pain in the ass. off the top of my head i can think of asuna and eugeo chiding him for beinf distracted and reckless, the water gag he pulls on suguha, when he bites leafa, the way he takes jokes at klein and agil, etc. how long can he keep all that up before they get tired and leave?

it's me, hi. i'm the problem, it's me.

it's a very self-explanatory lyric. kazuto feels like he's the problem a lot. he gets himself into shit and then he ends up accidentally dragging everyone else into it too.

at teatime, everybody agrees

this one i just LOVE because it's literally not true. but the narrator feels like it is. it's only really touched on briefly, but kazuto has felt like everyone around him think he's the problem in their lives. suguha and their parents, asuna (especially around the fairy dance arc), shino, eugeo and alice.

we see him decide to take the death gun project all alone, without telling anyone what he's doing, because he doesn't want to worry them. he's afraid of suguha and asuna finding out because he doesn't want to get them involved too.

it just... it reminds me of that imposter syndome again. he feels like everyone is disappointed by kazuto because they want kirito instead.

i'll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror

so i personally have two interpretations of this lyric, and the one i'll be using for this post is "i'll do something that's going to hurt me because i'm overly ambitious and think i can't be hurt, but i'll never look at myself and adress the root causes of my behaviour. i'll just distract myself and burn myself to avoid having to change, even though i have to."

kazuto wants to be the hero. if someone needs help, he'll help them, even if it's detrimental to him, even if it nearly kills him. he plays the part of the hero, the invincible black swordsman who can rescue the princess and save the world.

and he knows that doesn't match who he really is. he knows he can't keep reaching for "the sun" (being a hero) because it's weighing down on him too much. he knows he needs to step back and work on himself, who he is as a person, as kazuto rather than as kirito. he hates feeling like he has to constantly live up to those standards or risk disappointing everyone, but he does it anyway, because it's easier than admitting out loud that he feels inadequate.

it must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero

this lyric refers to the narrator's fear that the people around them are bored of them and tired of their bad habits. the narrator thinks it must be exhausting trying to cheer for them when everyone knows they're constantly fighting an uphill battle with themself.

i mean... see above. kazuto feels like everyone wants kirito. suguha sees him struggling in fairy dance and phantom bullet, he admits all his ptsd and insecurities to shino in phantom bullet, eugeo sees him struggle practically daily, asuna sees him at all his lowest points. they see the damage that he does to himself, and yes, they love him and root for him anyway, but aren't they tired of it? aren't they tired of seeing someone they love destroy himself over and over? he gets there in the end, but he's so tired, and he thinks the ones he's closest to are tired of it too.

sometimes i feel like everybody is a sexy baby and i'm a monster on the hill, too big to hang out, slowly lurching towards your favourite city

the sexy baby lyric is good end of discussion that isn't what we're here for. this lyric pretty much just says "i feel like i'm too much to handle and feel like an outcast from everyone around me"

kazuto feels like he as a whole complete, complex person, is too big and too much to handle. asuna and eugeo are really the only people he lets see everything, he pulls himself back around almost everyone else.

"slowly lurching towards your favourite city" is essentially just the narrator saying "i'm a monster who destroys everything and i'm going to destroy the things you love most if you stay around me" which. kazuto.

pierced through the heart but never killed

"i've been absolutely heartbroken and i kept going". again, it reminds me of the scene from war of underworld where kazuto literally rips his own heart out. he tried, he wanted to... but he's never killed. he has to keep going with this wound in his chest (heartbreak, anxiety, depression, etc) that hurts, but it doesn't finish the job.

did you hear my covert narcissism i disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman?

one of the most kazuto kirigaya lyrics of all time imho.

the lyric basically asks "do you notice how many of this nice things i do so that way people tell me i'm doing a good job and praise me for being nice?"

kazuto plays the hero. he goes out of his way to save people, to protect people, to be the knight in shining armour. he does so many good things... and he wants it to be recognised. he wants people to think of him as a hero. especially suguha and asuna.

but then... do they notice? do people notice how hard he's trying to play into that hero role? does eugeo notice when he starts wanting to save everybody? does asuna notice when he says he just wants to run away together?

it's such a loaded lyric and i'm not doing this parallel justice, just please. it's him.

i wake up screaming from dreaming one day i'll watch as you're leaving, and life will lose all it's meaning for the last time

eugeo. this is him about eugeo. and also asuna. and sachi. when he lost them, his life lost everything.

when sachi died, he just kept aimlessly fighting with little sense of purpose. when he lost eugeo, he tried to kill himself because he couldn't bare to go on anymore.

when he thought asuna died, he literally says he lost his reason to do anything. "fighting in this virtual world, returning to the real world, continuing on with my life - it was all meaningless."

i have this dream, my daughter-in-law kills me for the money, she thinks i left them in the will

okay so this lyric is like... A Lot, it's pretty much saying "i'm scared that all i am to people is what i have and not who i am". also worth noting she specifies daughter-in-law, its someone she had no control over entering her life, and they only did it to get her money.

in the context of kazuto... i don't think it's about money, exactly. for kazuto it would likely be something more to do with notoriety or infamy. it kinda reminds me of eiji and their battle for the top spot in ordinal scale, or vassago's obsession with him, or his duel with kayaba, etc.

the family gathers round and reads it and then someone screams out, "she's laughing up at us from hell!"

so, in the music video, taylor leaves her children 13 cents each, and everything else goes to her cats. then a fight breaks out at the funeral and she watches in disgust and horror that she didn't really mean anything to these people (even her own family)

kazuto has mentioned before that he would sell his soul to the devil to protect the people he loves. trying to think of this lyric for him just makes me think of him waking up from his coma in the underworld and fighting vassago. because... like... if that wasn't him metaphorically laughing at him from hell idk what else would fit here.

it's me, hi, i'm the problem, it's me. everybody agrees, everybody agrees.

the narrator is tired of themself. the s in the final "agrees" is drawn out to sound like a snake hissing, implying the narrator feels that someone around them will grow tired of rooting for them and instead turn on them because they would know every weak point.

kirito vs eugeo s32. that's all i have to say.

anyway... this song just reminds me of kazuto so much, and a few lyrics put me in mind of some other sao characters too (eugeo, asuna, leafa, sinon, mito, bercouli, quinella, oberon) but yeah. it's like, 5:39 in the morning and i've been awake since 3am yesterday so sorry if this is like. a mess.

thanks if you read this much, sorry i force you all to read taylor swift lore on my sao blog <3

#kirito #meta #saoxmidnights

[whitewolfofwinterfell]

Angel and Cordelia (Cangel) - an in-depth analysis of their relationship

Angel and Cordelia are a ship I never expected to ship before watching Angel, but since finishing the show around November, I’ve fallen in love with them (and the show generally) and wanted to compile a post where I could express all my thoughts and feelings about them. This meta will be very in-depth and is divided into 9 sections: 

1. ‘Pensiver Face’: Opposites Attract - Will explore Angel and Cordelia’s personalities and the ways in which these two unlikely characters came together and brought out new and wonderful sides to each other. 

2. ‘Help the Helpless’: Finding purpose - Discusses the way in which Angel and Cordelia found purpose in their lives through meeting and the creation of Angel Investigations.

3. ‘We’re family’: Belonging and Family - Insight into how Angel and Cordelia created a family and home with each other that provided them with a sense of belonging (perhaps for the first time in their lives).

4. ‘My Dearest Friend’: Friendship and Love - Looks at Angel and Cordelia’s friendship and how that was at the core of their relationship throughout the series.

5. ‘You’re not alone’: Emotional connection - Uncovers the profound emotional connection Angel and Cordelia established with each other.

6. ‘It’s the stars’: Everyone can see it - Reflects on the common ‘Everyone can see it’ trope and how that was important to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship.

7. ‘Were we in love?’: Romantic love - An exploration of when and how Angel and Cordy’s romantic feelings for each other developed.

8. ‘I’ll be seeing you’: Missed Opportunity - Analyses the writing in seasons 4 and 5, and the ways in which Angel and Cordelia’s relationship was hugely disadvantaged by the writing.

9. ‘There are no people like us’: Why Angel/Cordelia are misunderstood and live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow - Unpicks some of the common misconceptions I’ve seen about Angel and Cordy’s relationship and the how comparisons made between their relationship and Buffy and Angel’s is unfair and does a disservice to both couples. 

As you can see, section 9 does discuss Buffy and Angel, because I really couldn’t discuss Angel and Cordelia without also talking about Angel’s relationship with Buffy since she was so significant to Angel. It won’t be anti-Buffy/Angel (because I’m a huge Bangel shipper, as anyone that follows me will know), but I just wanted to give a warning for those that are a big fan of the ship as you might not want to read. However, the primary focus throughout will be on Angel and Cordelia’s relationship on ATS (I don’t really give much focus to BTVS since their interactions were so brief and lacking).

Before we get into it, I wanted to say this post is long, (coming in at around 9k words, whew! I had more to say than I realised), so if you’re interested in reading you might want to grab a drink or a snack and make yourself comfortable. 

1. ‘Pensiver Face’: Opposites Attract

What makes Angel and Cordelia’s relationship so special is that it’s between two unlikely characters who, on the surface are polar opposites, but that compliment each other beautifully. Cordelia was specifically chosen to be a regular on ATS because she was the opposite to Angel - Whedon stated that Cordelia’s bright smile was needed to counteract Angel’s broody persona (x). The fundamental differences in Angel and Cordelia’s personalities meant that together they brought out different sides to each other. Angel was known for being reserved, contemplative, melancholy, deep and pessimistic, whilst in contrast Cordelia was known for being outgoing, bubbly, outspoken, shallow and optimistic.

Both characters came to ATS season 1 displaying these characteristics which they were well-known for on BTVS, but through meeting each other, they changed. Angel smiled more with Cordelia than arguably any other character in the Buffyverse (x) (x) (x) (x). Her infectious personality, witty sense of humour and straight-talking attitude coaxed him out of his shell. Also, because he was more submissive by nature, Angel responded to Cordelia’s assertiveness - she wasn’t afraid to take charge, call him out on things, make demands of him and ensure he stayed on the right path. She was the one that took charge of the business, launching Angel Investigations from practically nothing; she persuaded Angel that he should pay Gunn for working with them; she didn’t easily relent after he fired her, Wesley and Gunn; she told him he needed to set boundaries with Fred when she had a crush on Angel to prevent Fred from getting hurt; she held him accountable for getting Darla pregnant in season 3; she consistently encouraged him to fight for Connor no matter how hopeless or difficult it became and even in her brief return in season 5 she continued with this pattern. She straight up told Angel that he’d lost his way, lost sight of their mantra to help the helpless and had become entangled in the messiness of W&H. In doing so, she set Angel back on the right path. It’s strange because generally people view Angel as having more positive traits than Cordelia, but despite his good intentions, he was more prone to giving up and wallowing than Cordelia. Angel was more malleable, more willing to accept the bad in the world whilst Cordelia, on the other hand, persevered no matter what obstacles came her way and was firm in her morals. She knew what she believed to be good and she didn’t stray from that no matter what. That clear-cut attitude really helped Angel, who being a vampire and having seen so much evil, often become lost in the blurriness between good and evil, and became disheartened about fighting the good fight on numerous ocassions. Cordelia was truly Angel’s centre of gravity and moral compass - she was the one he relied on most in his redemptive journey and helping the helpless. That’s why throughout the series there was such a heavy emphasis on Angel needing Cordy (x) and why he proclaimed to be lost without her. Angel needing Cordelia was also demonstrative of a deeper emotional connection between them, which I’ll discuss later on.

Whilst Angel and Cordelia’s differences helped/changed Angel, they did the same for Cordy. Cordelia as a person was very focused on superficial gratification. She sought popularity and status, and she enjoyed money and material objects because of the pleasure they brought her. Her desire to become an actress reflects those desires she had. Although Cordelia demonstrated on BTVS that she was much more than the stereotypical popular-shallow girl she was portrayed to be (x), she wasn’t inclined to be considerate of others and empathy didn’t come naturally to her. In comparison, Angel spent a majority of his time thinking of others and had a wealth of empathy, for everybody regardless of whether they were those he loved or strangers; good or bad. There’s no doubt that the visions were a large part of what enabled Cordelia to be more empathetic since she was quite literally experiencing the traumas of others, but being close to Angel also impacted this. Until Cordelia became friends with Angel (and Doyle, Wes and Gunn), she’d never really been prioritised or cared for unconditionally. Angel’s kindness, consideration and support enabled Cordelia to open up emotionally in a way she never had before, not just to those closest to her, but to everybody. Ironically, a vampire (albeit a vampire with a soul) was the deepest insight Cordelia had gained into humanity. Angel devoted himself to helping others and Cordelia witnessed first-hand the positive impact that had on others and the rewards it brought. Whilst she fought against evil alongside the Scoobies on BTVS, it was being part of Angel Investigations that truly showed her the true meaning of fighting. It gave her purpose and belonging, which in turn allowed her to blossom in an entirely new way.

2. ‘Help the Helpless’: Finding purpose

Despite being different in many ways, Angel and Cordelia had one main thing in common - they were both seeking purpose, meaning and belonging in their lives at the start of ATS  - and they found that with each other.

On BTVS Angel went through a traumatic ordeal with losing his soul, being killed by the woman he loved, being trapped in a hell dimension, coming back to life and then having to break up with Buffy. After Angel was cursed and his soul was restored, he retreated into the shadows and lived like a hermit for a century. He no longer belonged in the vampire or the human world, and he was so consumed with the guilt about his actions as Angelus that he was paralysed. He lived a lonely and purposeless existence - until the moment he saw Buffy. Buffy symbolised hope for Angel, because she was destined to fight evil and helping her provided him with a purpose for the first time in decades and I strongly believe that this (amongst other reasons) is why he fell in love with her. So when he split up with her and left for L.A. he lost his purpose along with Buffy. It’s clear that Angel’s time with Buffy and the Scoobies had been so significant to him that he couldn’t return to the life he had before he met Buffy, he needed to continue helping people, but he didn’t know how. Meeting Doyle immediately provided him with a sense of purpose by providing him with a connection to the HP, but as I already mentioned above, Cordelia really cemented that. Although Doyle knew he and Angel had a mission that they needed to work on together, he didn’t know how to make that a reality. Cordelia’s practicality, pragmatism and organisation is what took an idea - helping the helpless - and made it a reality - Angel Investigations. Like I said, Angel knew he wanted to help others but he didn’t really have a plan. When Angel Investigations was born, it became so much more than simply helping the odd person in distress after having stumbled upon them by chance. It became an indefinite commitment and mission which provided Angel with a true purpose - a purpose he realised was the singular most important thing to him in ‘Epiphany’ (2x16).

Cordelia was also in a similar place to Angel when she arrived in L.A. at the start of ATS. During her time on BTVS Cordelia’s character was built upon her status in high-school - she was pretty, rich and popular. Although she wasn’t afraid to stand up for what she believed in (such as defending Xander against her HS friends), she generally sought the approval of others. In HS Cordelia felt that she was somebody and that really came from her popularity and status. However, she admitted that that popularity came with a downside and that she was in fact, very lonely as a result of it (x). Cordelia’s experience in her relationship with Xander only fuelled that loneliness she felt because she isolated herself from her friends to be with him, and when he cheated on her, her ‘friendships’ with the rest of the Scoobies were revealed to be superficial in nature and quickly broke down. By the time she came to ATS, she had left high school and therefore was without her boyfriend (Xander), friends and the status that HS afforded her. This explains why she was on a mission to become a famous actress - to reclaim that status that she’d lost but on an even grander scale. The problem with this is that regardless of how shallow Cordy may have appeared, she clearly craved more than just popularity, fame or money. She’d already had that but it hadn’t  fulfilled her. Enter Angel. Cordelia saw that Angel (and Doyle) needed guidance and that she could bring something important to the table. When she joined Angel and Doyle and set up Angel Investigations, she found her purpose just like Angel did. Initially, Cordelia’s desire to stick with Angel may have been because she didn’t have any other particularly appealing options, but it became so much more than that and by the end of season 1 Cordelia was wholly devoted to helping the helpless (x). In ‘Disharmony’ (2x17) she told Harmony that despite the popularity she had at HS, she was happier than she’d ever been because of the work she was doing, and having that sense of purpose came from meeting Angel. ‘Birthday’ (3x11) further reaffirmed this, when Cordelia chose being with Angel and helping the helpless over her dream of being a famous actress. 

The creation of Angel Investigations (not just the business but also the family) wouldn’t have happened if Angel and Cordelia hadn’t of come together in the way they did. From the beginning, they were the heart of everything it was and when Angel lost Cordy in season 5, he admitted that he lost his way and was lost without her (again, this beckons back to Cordy being Angel’s centre of gravity). Poetically, Cordelia kissing Angel in ‘You’re Welcome’ (5x11) and passing on the vision to him quite literally set Angel (and co.) on the path to their final battle and brought purpose back into his life. But in addition to bringing purpose to each other’s lives through their shared mission of helping the helpless, they brought something else, perhaps more significant - belonging and family.

3. ‘We’re family’: Belonging and Family

Although Angel and Cordelia had bonds with others prior to ATS - Angel had relationships with Darla, Dru, Spike, Buffy; Cordelia with Harmony, Xander and the Scoobies - they never had with anyone else what they found with each other (and the rest of Angel Investigations) (x). In season 1 Cordelia referred to Angel as being her family and Angel reiterated that later in the series. The unconditional support, acceptance and care Angel and Cordelia had towards one other was unlike anything they’d had in any of their previous relationships (particularly for Cordelia).

Angel prioritised Cordelia, he devoted himself to keeping her safe (x) (x), he was always concerned for her well-being and he took the time to get to know her as a person. He didn’t like Cordy because of her status or popularity, he liked her for her and he expressed that numerous times - he told her he liked both versions of her (old and new), that she was an extraordinary woman and that he’d never known anybody like her (x) (x). Likewise, Cordelia accepted Angel - warts and all - without white washing his past or being ignorant to his darkness. She knew Angelus had done terrible things, and that Angel wasn’t immune from making mistakes and she held him accountable for that. But she also encouraged Angel to be open with her about that side of himself, telling him to drink blood in front of her and reassuring him that she and Doyle wouldn’t judge his vamp face (x). Cordelia came face to face with Angelus multiple times and she knew that even with a soul Angel had the capacity for darkness, but she still saw the good in him and believed it out-weighed the bad. She was never under any false illusions that Angel was perfect and that’s why she was firm in her promise that if needs be she would stake Angelus without hesitation.

It’s really that unconditional support and acceptance that led them to consider each other family. What’s most significant about this is that neither of them really had that before ATS. Angel (Liam) grew up in a volatile family situation with an abusive father and Cordelia’s family was so insignificant in her life that we only had a few references to them throughout the course of BTVS and ATS and not a single appearance from them. Neither of them really had a true home or family until they found each other. The friendship they found with each other (and the rest of Angel Investigations) truly was one of the most beautiful things that ever happened to either of them and provided them with a true home for the first time in their lives. In fact, in season 4 Angel explicitly said when Cordelia was missing “We’ll do whatever it takes to bring her home, where she belongs”, which perfectly sums up the title for this section about belonging and family. The bond they forged was one of the first they established with another that felt completely secure and contented (which is also why Cordelia reacted so negatively to him abandoning her, Wes and Gunn in season 2 over Darla), because at it’s core it was a friendship built upon familial love, which in my opinion, is the strongest and most enduring love there is.

4. ‘My Dearest Friend’: Friendship and Love

The most common argument I’ve seen against Angel and Cordelia as a romantic ship is, “They should’ve just stayed friends, they were better that way”. My issue with this is that Angel and Cordelia didn’t just fulfil one or the other - friendship or romance - they fulfilled both and so much more (x). What makes Angel and Cordelia’s relationship so special is that they morphed from acquaintances, to coworkers, to confidantes, to friends, to family, to lovers and were often some (or all) of these things to each other at once. Their feelings for each other cannot be boxed in, because they encompass so much, but there is no disputing that they loved each other.

Angel and Cordy had a profound connection spanning across the entirety of ATS, that no amount of words I type can quite express. They were a constant presence in each others’ lives for years, they were by each others’ sides through some of the most significant events of their lives and they shared it all - the highs and lows, the good and bad. Even when their romantic feelings came into fruition, their friendship remained unchanged. Nothing could change that fundamental dynamic between them or the ease with which they communicated and bounced off of one another. Any scene between Angel and Cordy has a natural chemistry (the nature of that chemistry is up to interpretation), and even when Angel was a awkward, bumbling and flustered fool, their interactions never felt strained or uncomfortable. This is because they knew each other so well and were so attuned to each other, but also because their relationship was already so well established by the time they realised they had romantic feelings for each other that there was no danger of those feelings complicating or endangering that friendship. It’s why in ‘Spin the Bottle’ (4x06) Angel told Cordelia that she was his dearest friend and he wanted that back. He was able to push aside his romantic feelings and desires because her friendship was more important to him than anything else.

Some may claim it’s weird for two people who referred to each other as family to be in love with each other, but when you’re in love with someone they are your family. The fact that Angel and Cordelia had that kind of connection provided them with the closeness, comfortableness, familiarity and security for those romantic feelings to blossom. Angel, in particular, had an aversion to romance because of The Curse and his experience with Buffy, but he felt so safe with Cordelia that it’s almost like he allowed himself to feel that way about him. Likewise, Cordelia was rather guarded in matters of the heart given her romantic history with Xander, but she felt so safe with Angel that she was able to finally open herself up in that way without even really realising she was. That profound connection between them can’t really be quantified, but can be seen in their actions.

5. ‘You’re not alone’: Emotional connection

When I say that it would do them a disservice to try and box Angel and Cordelia’s relationship into the platonic or romantic arena, that’s because of the emotional connection they shared which extends beyond such labels.

According to Wiki, ‘Emotional intimacy is a psychological event that happens when trust levels and communication between two people are such that it fosters the mutual sharing of one another's deepest selves.’ It involves trust, mutual trust, sense of community, understanding, open communication and sharing a duty. As you read this I’m sure you’re realising that Angel and Cordelia had all of this. They lived in close proximity day after day for years - they worked together, they fought together, they laughed together, they loved the same people (Doyle, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Connor), they grieved together (for Doyle and Connor), they shared the same beliefs and morals and they were united in the same mission to help the helpless. All of this led to them developing a profound emotional connection whereby they came to rely on each other and trust each other, and were able to open up to each other without fear of judgement or rejection (x). Throughout the series Angel and Cordy had multiple heart to hearts in which they confided in each other, encouraged or reassured each other and those talks became more regular as their connection grew. Something as simple as Angel calling Cordelia ‘Cordy’ (which he didn’t do until ATS ‘Are You Now or Have You Ever Been?’ 2x02) demonstrated that developing connection between them.

Again, it would be futile for me to list every example of when Angel and Cordelia had a scene that showed this emotional connection (particularly since you’ll have seen them all if you’ve watched the show), but off the top of my head some key examples would be - Cordelia helped Angel open up about Doyle’s death after Angel accidentally called Wesley Doyle; Cordelia helped Angel to open up about Buffy’s death after he’d spent 3 months trying to come to terms with it; when Cordelia fell ill from a vision Angel reassured her that her value to him wasn’t invested solely in her visions; generally Angel supported Cordelia repeatedly through the trauma of her visions; after Connor was born Angel developed an overly-protective paternal instinct and wouldn’t let anybody hold him, and Cordelia was the first he allowed to hold him; after Connor’s kidnapping Cordelia was able to simply sit with him in the silence and provide the emotional support no one else could and when Angel was insecure about bonding with Connor (after his return) she reassured him he was a capable and loving father. 

Nothing showed the depth of that emotional connection more than the beginning of season 4 when Angel was at the bottom of the ocean. In order to hold on to his sanity, Angel repeatedly dreamt of Cordelia in various romantic scenarios and admitted to Wes and Gunn when he returned that the one thing that had kept him holding on was the thought of returning home to Cordelia. Cordy and his love for her was the tether to his humanity, his hope when everything was hopeless, his light in the dark. 

I could continue exploring this because their emotional connection is demonstrated in nearly every scene they have together, but the point has been made that Angel and Cordelia consistently opened up to one another and were by each other’s sides through the hardest of times. Although they both had the rest of Angel Investigations (Wesley, Gunn, Fred and Lorne), they primarily turned to each other in their time or need or when they were feeling low. They instinctively knew what to do/say to ease each other’s insecurities, fears or anxieties and were each other’s source of emotional strength. What’s even more significant about this is that their connection was so profound, that even those around them noticed it. 

6. ‘It’s the stars’: Everyone can see it

‘Everyone can see it’ is a popular romantic trope whereby a couple are perfect for each other but don’t realise their feelings for one another, but everyone else around them does. This was an integral part of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship since they found it very difficult, as friends, to make sense of their romantic feelings for each other and to acknowledge those feelings.

The first person to notice the chemistry between Angel and Cordelia was Fred in ‘Offspring’ (3x07). After seeing them sparring Fred spoke about kyrumption (two heroes meeting in battle and recognising their same fate) and moira (the gut physical attraction between two larger-than-life souls). Angel’s feelings for Cordelia had already been present long before then, but Fred’s observations provided him with an opportunity to acknowledge them for the first time and reflect on them. 

Lorne being an empath naturally had an insight into Angel’s feelings and in ‘Waiting in the Wings’ (3x13) he revealed that he’d read Angel and knew he had feelings for Cordelia. Like Fred, he also spoke of kyrumption and told Angel that the way he was feeling for Cordelia was real. Lorne consistently was attuned to Angel’s feelings for Cordelia and understood that they’d grown beyond friendship. He also actively encouraged Angel to act on them because he believed Cordelia felt the same way about him and he shouldn’t miss the chance to see what they could be. 

I watched ‘Waiting in the Wings’ with commentary from Whedon last week and in that he explained that the spell was a way for Angel and Cordelia to act on the feelings they had for each other (that they were only just starting to realise) in a way whereby they didn’t actually have to admit that they had those feelings and wanted to act on them (because they were afraid of the consequences). Fred and Lorne’s observations are very much the same - they’re a conduit through which Angel was able to internally explore his growing romantic feelings for Cordy and slowly come to the realisation that he was in love with her. 

7. ‘Were we in love?’: Romantic love

Although I’ve been primarily focused on the general connection between Angel and Cordelia and what they brought to each other’s lives, there was definitely romantic love and attraction between the two of them and it’s important to discuss that.

I think when people compare Angel and Cordy’s relationship to Angel’s relationship with Buffy people feel Angel’s love for Cordelia wasn’t romantic or passionate, but it was, it’s just that the love he had for Cordy and their relationship was so fundamentally different from his relationship with Buffy that the two can’t really be compared. Buffy was Angel’s epic, great love - it consumed him from the inside out, it was intense, passionate and devastating - but Cordy was something entirely different. She wasn’t supposed to be some big epic love, she was supposed to be a friend with whom he developed a strong bond with and slowly came to fall in love with over time. Their love wasn’t characterised by angst-ridden scenes, grand speeches of forbidden love and sexual tension - it was grounded in family, friendship and emotional connection (as I’ve explored above). Their feelings for each other weren’t sudden and didn’t start out big (they truly were just acquaintances at the start of ATS season 1), but as they spent time together, shared experiences and got to know each other, their romantic feelings quietly grew in the background until neither of them could ignore it anymore.

It’s frustrating that we never got a clear admission of love between the two (all of their love confessions were to other people or cut off before they finished), but there is no doubt in my mind that Angel and Cordelia were in love. Their actions proved that and from a personal perspective, I could feel the love between them. Everyone will have different interpretations of when they believe the pair fell in love, but interestingly, I don’t think there’s supposed to be ‘one moment’ that they fell in love, because the whole point of their relationship is that it was never that clear cut. They didn’t go to bed one night as best friends and wake up the next day a think, “I’m in love with Angel/Cordelia!”. It was a subtle evolution of feelings over time, which neither of them truly noticed until it was brought to their attention by others, because they were so used to being friends and navigating within the realms of that, that they didn’t consider the possibility that their feelings could have gone beyond that.

Since ATS was primarily focused on Angel’s POV, it’s very easy to follow Angel’s evolving feelings for Cordelia and attempt to pin-point the moment at which his romantic feelings came to fruition. Like I said, I don’t think there was one particular moment where Angel realised his feelings for Cordelia, but in my opinion, they had definitley developed by ‘Dead End’ (2x18). At the beginning of season 2, Angel had a crisis due to Darla’s return and he fired Cordelia, Wesley and Gunn. It was really the darkest we saw Angel get in ATS whilst he had his soul, he truly lost his way for a while and Cordelia was so hurt and angry by his actions that she couldn’t forgive him. When Angel finally realised he’d made a mistake cutting his friends out of his life, he did everything he could to make amends, but he seemed most affected by the loss of Cordelia’s friendship and he was determined to earn her forgiveness. What’s interesting about this is that at this point one could argue that Angel’s friendship with Cordelia wasn’t that profound and it didn’t particularly matter if they made up, because they still could’ve worked together as co-workers (although it might’ve been a little awkward and uncomfortable). But Angel was adamant that he wanted her friendship back and almost the entirety of ‘Epiphany’ (2x16) was focused on Angel’s desire to make amends with Cordy and his devastation when she refused to accept him back. This continued in ‘Disharmony’ (2x17), with him desperately fighting to earn her forgiveness and ending with him winning Cordelia over by buying her clothes, which he was visibly happy about (x). Angel’s reaction at the prospect of losing Cordelia beckons back to ‘To Shanshu to L.A.’ (1x22) when we witnessed for the first time how scared he was to lose her and also suggests that at this point in season 2 his romantic feelings were developing for her. In the following episode ‘Dead End’ (2x18), he was so focused on making Cordelia feel better (and this was likely a continuation of him making it up to her) that he brought her food and his reaction to her saying she loved him was perhaps the brightest smile I’ve ever seen on Angel’s face (x). In ‘Belonging’ (2x19), Angel’s attraction to Cordelia was made clear when he saw her in a bikini and he also expressed anger at the director of the commercial she was filming for treating her like a ‘commodity’ and a ‘slave’, forcing him to apologise to Cordelia for the way he spoke to her and telling Cordelia he would rip his head off if she wanted him to. When Cordelia was sucked into the portal to Pylea in ‘Over the Rainbow’ (2x20), Angel’s profound emotional connection to Cordelia was clear (x) - he just wanted her back, he didn’t care how or what they had to do and he expressed that he couldn’t lose Cordy again after just getting her back (also that one line, ‘It’s Cordy’, that Angel says to Wesley when he tells Angel it’s too dangerous to go through the portal and they may never get back holds so much emotion). When Cordelia admitted to loving Groo in Pylea, Angel mistakenly thought she was saying it to him and was disappointed to learn otherwise. So basically, by the end of season 2 Angel undoubtedly had romantic feelings for Cordelia, but wasn’t yet aware of them. Season 3 continued to build on that by allowing Angel to heal following Buffy’s death and reach a resolution  in ‘Heartthrob’ (3x01) whereby he could start to process his feelings for Cordy, putting him a situation where he was faced with the prospect of losing her again, therefore cementing the depth of his feelings for her (‘That Vision Thing’ 3x02) and having Fred share her observations about his feelings for her, finally allowing him to fully acknowledge them for the first time. 

From Cordelia’s POV it’s much harder to guess when her romantic feelings for Angel developed, because we didn’t get as much insight into her. I do think her feelings for him didn’t come as soon as Angel’s did for her and neither did the realisation that she felt that way. ‘That Vision Thing’ (3x02) hints that Cordelia’s feelings for Angel may have begun to grow beyond friendship when she said, “If I lose the visions I wouldn't be able to help you anymore. You wouldn't need me.” Notice, Cordelia was concerned with Angel needing her, not the rest of the team. Also, since Angel was so devoted to saving Cordelia and explicitly told her she was more important to him than his vendetta against W&H, we can assume this impacted Cordelia’s feelings towards him since this was perhaps the first time she noticed how committed he was to keeping her safe and how much he wanted her in his life. I also think that witnessing Angel go through the process of becoming a father significantly impacted Cordy’s feelings for Angel. Seeing him take on the role of a father showed an even softer, nurturing side of him and the bond Cordy developed with Connor also brought them closer together. However, ‘Birthday’ (3x11) is the first episode that properly affirms the depth of Cordelia’s feelings for Angel. She was given everything she ever wanted - fame, money, stardom - and she gave it all up to return to Angel. Despite having no memory, upon seeing Angel so broken, Cordelia instinctively leaned in and kissed him fulfilling the old fairy-tale trope of true love’s kiss breaking the spell. I think from Cordelia’s POV, she was much more closed off to allowing herself to acknowledge her romantic feelings for Angel because she didn’t even consider Angel a romantic option given The Curse. This also explains why upon Groo’s return in season 3, she resumed her relationship with him despite having clearly developed profound romantic feelings for Angel that led her to prioritise him above Groo repeatedly to the point that Groo himself noticed that she had feelings for Angel.

This brings me back to the main point about Angel and Cordelia’s romantic feelings for each other never being straightforward or easily defined. In ‘Waiting in the Wings’ (3x13) it was clear - spell or no spell - that Angel and Cordelia shared a mutual sexual attraction and that Angel’s canonically confirmed romantic feelings for Cordelia were reciprocated. Yet Cordelia didn’t confirm her feelings for him explicitly to the audience until 9 episodes later in the finale of the season. This is for a number of reasons, but primarily because it was easier to continue denying their feelings and remain friends than face the complications that a romance posed. Even if they had been given the chance to openly express their feelings for each other, what would’ve happened next? As Angel said to Lorne in ‘Waiting in the Wings’, what could he offer her (as a cursed vampire)? It would’ve been too complicated and they knew that.

That criss-cross and complexity of their love is part of the reason I love them so much, because it’s authentic and relatable. Particularly in the case of friends who have fallen in love - it’s no easy transition and it’s definitely not easy to make sense of your feelings Plus, Angel and Cordy had the added complications that went with their life (Angel being a vampire, The Curse, Darla, their friends, Angel Investigations, W&H and the supernatural world generally, to name a few). In an interview a long time ago SMG said that the most heartbreaking thing about Buffy and Angel was that it was unfulfilled love, and in this respect so are Angel and Cordelia. It’s heartbreaking because they truly loved one another but they were never even given the opportunity to see what they could potentially be. They missed their chance and because of that they were always left wondering ‘what if?’ 

8. ‘I’ll be seeing you’: Missed Opportunity 

The fact that Angel and Cordy never got their shot to be together (which they discussed in ‘You’re Welcome’ 5x11) is the tragedy of their love. However, it wouldn’t be the same love story if it didn’t have that unresolved element to it. Everybody longs for closure and resolution with their ships, but the truth is, in real life few people truly get that, they simply have to move on and live with their regrets. But whilst I love Angel and Cordelia’s relationship and story as it is, there’s no escaping the fact that they were done dirty in seasons 4 and 5 in regards to the writing and as a result their story did go in a...shall we say unfavourable direction? 

Everyone that’s ever watched ATS has problems with season 4 (I could write a separate post about the problems with season 4, particularly in regards to Cordelia’s character), and when it comes to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship, there’s a lot that was handled badly which unfortunately, derailed the beautiful development that took place between them in season 3. We still had a lot of key moments that played out between Angel and Cordelia in season 4, but the main problem with the season is that we don’t actually know when Cordelia was actually Cordelia. At what point was she herself, if she ever was? Did she really have amnesia? If so, can we count amnesia!Cordy as still being Cordy to an extent? When did Jasmine start to take over? Did she have any agency at all when she was possessed by Jasmine, even if it was only the briefest of moments? All of these questions remain unanswered and make it very difficult to fully assess the Angel/Cordelia relationship during season 4, but I’m going to try to anyway. 

What remained clear throughout season 4 was that Angel loved Cordy. In fact, despite Cordelia technically being absent for the majority of the season, it was very Cangel-heavy, perhaps more than the seasons before it. Angel had multiple dreams/fantasies about Cordelia, devoted himself to finding her when she was missing at the start of the season, was visibly distraught to have her lose her memories and strike up a relationship with Connor, and lost his soul from a fantasy of making love to her. In my opinion, this is the season that really affirmed that Angel was in love with Cordy beyond any doubt. When Angel asked Cordelia if they were in love and she replied, “We were”, I strongly believe that was Cordelia. She’d just gotten her memories back so Jasmine hadn’t had chance to worm her way to the forefront yet, and I believe in that moment that was Cordelia finally breaking through and telling Angel that she loved him. Although the circumstances are ambiguous to say the least, I believe this to be the first admission of love exchanged between the two whereby the words were said plainly (because obviously they said ‘I love you’ to each other repeatedly before this moment in other ways). However, this doesn’t undo the dirty that was done to Angel and Cordelia in this season. Despite the fact that we know Cordelia wasn’t responsible for any of her actions since she was possessed by Jasmine, it’s still very hard when watching her with Connor to separate Jasmine from Cordelia. And from Angel’s perspective, he literally watched the woman he loved have sex with his son. Finding out afterwards that it wasn’t actually Cordelia doesn’t reduce the devastating impact of witnessing that and the way the Cordelia!Jasmine arc was written did taint some aspects of their relationship by forcing Angel to have to witness ‘Cordelia’ enter into a romantic relationship with Connor and have a child with him. Also, it was utterly ridiculous and unbelievable that Angel and co. wouldn’t recognise that Cordy wasn’t herself. This is definitely a writing issue, because the whole possession thing was handled so badly in the respect that Cordelia seemed like herself (even her sleeping with Connor was believable due to her amnesiac state), but it was still not in-keeping with the show that none of her friends (and especially Angel) would notice that Cordelia was possessed. Overall, season 4 did a huge disservice to Angel and Cordelia’s romance (although the biggest disservice was definitely done to Cordelia’s character) and whilst their relationship was beautifully developed in seasons 1-3, season 4 stopped that development in its tracks. 

Season 5 continued to do a disservice to Cordelia (and Angel and Cordelia) by practically erasing Cordy from existence (I know that backstage issues with the cast need to be taken into consideration here, but the lack of consideration to Cordelia’s character is still a valid point to discuss). Despite how utterly terrified Angel was whenever faced with the prospect of losing Cordelia, in season 5 he was visibly fine about Cordelia being in a coma and wasn’t even attempting to pull her out of it. The fact that Angel (and co.) would simply stand by and go on with the rest of their lives without devoting every single second to waking Cordy  is ridiculous and completely OOC for all of them. Angel, Wes, Gunn, Fred, Lorne and Cordy were deeply connected and would have done anything for each other, and there’s no way they would’ve given up on Cordy like that. But back to the point, despite Angel being in love with Cordelia throughout season 4, there was no reference to his feelings for her until ‘You’re Welcome’ (5x11). Now, don’t get me wrong, I love that episode and I always will, but I also can’t help but notice how out of place that episode feels within the rest of the season. In the episodes leading up to it Cordelia was barely mentioned and in the episodes afterwards, her death was completely ignored with only a few passing references from Angel near the end of the season (don’t even get me started on the fact that she didn’t even get a funeral. What the hell was that all about?!?!? This is Cordy.) Furthermore, Angel reverted back to being actively in love with Buffy (particularly in ‘The Girl in Question’ 5x20, which is honestly such a bad episode, I can’t even) with no consideration given to the fact that he had feelings for Cordelia. Personally, I believe all of these consistencies come from fan pandering - the reaction to Angel and Cordelia becoming a couple was very negative so they reverted back to the Angel/Buffy relationship because it was so popular and well-loved. But back to, ‘You’re Welcome’, the episode definitely redeemed some of what was done to Cordelia (and her relationship with Angel) by giving her/them a satisfying ending after an horrendous season 4, but nothing can truly make up for the fact that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship was so abruptly ended in the manner it was. It also can’t make up for the fact that we missed out on two entire seasons worth of development that we would’ve potentially got if the Jasmine plot hadn’t taken place (again, I understand this was largely down to behind-the-scenes complications with Charisma and Whedon). 

These flaws in the writing (and execution of the relationship) in seasons 4 and 5 is far and above my biggest criticism of Angel and Cordelia’s relationship as a whole (although it’s a criticism of the writers more so than Cordelia and Angel or David and Charisma). It never would have made sense for Angel and Cordy to have a plain sailing fairy-tale romance, but they had so much more potential and could have grown to become something even more beautiful if season 4 had continued to build upon their development from seasons 1-3. ‘You’re Welcome’ perfectly demonstrates the potential they had and what they could’ve become if Cordelia hadn’t been possessed by Jasmine. And that was only a taster and we could’ve had, we could’ve so much more. In my opinion, there were no limits on where their relationship could have been taken since it was so well written, built-up and established leading up to season 4. The fact that we’ll never know how the relationship would’ve played out if it had continued is sad, but as I said, that missed chance that they had is key to Angel and Cordelia’s relationship. It’s the one that got away, the love that could never be and that one person whom we always wonder, “What if?” about. 

9. ‘There are no people like us’: Why Angel/Cordelia are misunderstood and live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow

The final section I wanted to do is an exploration of the reasons why I feel Cordelia and Angel are misunderstood as a ship and how I believe this primarily stems from the fact that they live in Buffy/Angel’s shadow. This is where I’ll be comparing Angel/Cordelia and Buffy/Angel, so if you’re a fan of Buffy/Angel, you may not want to read this final section. However, this isn’t anti-Buffy/Angel, it’s really me working through my own thoughts and feelings as both a Buffy/Angel and a Angel/Cordelia shipper (yes, we exist haha). 

People have a tendency to make comparisons between the Angel/Cordelia and Buffy/Angel relationship two relationships, when in reality (as I’ve mentioned above) the two aren’t really comparable. Angel’s relationships with Buffy and Cordelia were distinctive, took place under completely different circumstances and brought different things to his life. Angel was fully engaged in a romantic relationship with Buffy for 2 years (on and off), but he never had the opportunity to do that with Cordelia. The romantic feelings were there, as was the potential for them to act on that and see what they could be, but it didn’t happen. So to compare the two relationships (when technically Angel and Cordy never entered into a romantic relationship) is futile to say the least. However, people naturally make those comparisons and when they do they seem to come up with two key reasons Angel/Cordelia are inferior to Buffy/Angel:

1. Sexual relationship/chemistry - It hasn’t escaped my attention that Buffy and Angel have a lot more sexual chemistry than Angel and Cordelia. Honestly, in my opinion, nothing can really compare to SMG/David chemistry, it’s so damn good. However, this criticism simply fails to understand that Angel and Cordelia’s love/connection never was primarily one of a sexual nature (notice that every fantasy Angel ever had of Cordelia was romantic not sexual). Romance was definitely part of their relationship (particularly in seasons 3, 4 and 5) and they had an attraction and they had chemistry (’Waiting in the Wings’ damn well proved that), but their relationship was never about sex. In comparison to Angel and Buffy, their relationship was deeply rooted in attraction. From the moment they meet each other they’re very physically attracted to each other and in seasons 1 and 2 they both make references made to how badly they want to kiss each other whenever they’re together, whilst in season 3 they discuss the difficulties they find in fighting against their sexual attraction to each other. As a result, Angel and Buffy’s relationship was always heavily steeped in sexual tension. The fact that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship didn’t have the same level of sexual attraction doesn’t make that relationship any less important, just different (which I know I keep saying, but it’s kind of my whole argument here - the two relationships are so fundamentally different you can’t compare them). 

2. Buffy is Angel’s one and only true love - There’s no denying that Buffy was and always will be Angel’s great love, but to quote one of my not-so-favourite shows (The Vampire Diaries), contrary to popular belief, people can (and usually do) have more than one great love in their lives. Clinging too tightly to the Buffy/Angel relationship ignores the immense changes Angel undergoes on ATS and the fact he moved on from Buffy (up until Spike’s return in season 5, which reverts him back to being kind of obsessed with Buffy, which is such bad writing and so inconsistent that it annoys me. And this isn’t  including crossovers either, because damn, they’re so problematic/inconsistent and I didn’t even realised until I watched ATS, but I can see now why the writers didn’t want to do too many crossovers despite the fans wanting them). Buffy was always in Angel’s heart and he always carried her with him, but he didn’t actively pine over her or yearn for her when he moved to L.A. (he did more so in season 1 and particularly after the events of ‘I Will Remember You’, but he slowly moved on). Angel conclusively and healthily moved on from Buffy - he established a life for himself which he loved and made him happy, he found a home, friends and embarked on a new love with Cordy. When two people have shared a love like Angel did with Buffy, it never goes away but it does change and it almost grows dormant (for reference, there’s a brilliant meta that discusses Angel moving on from Buffy which you can read here). To use a real life example here, my mom (who’s now 50) has been in around 5 serious long-term relationships in her life and has been with her current partner for 5 years and is completely in love with him. However, she’s openly admitted to me that she loved my dad more than she’s ever loved any man and she still regards him the love of her life. That doesn’t mean she’s still in love with him, because she’s not. She hasn’t seen him in two decades, she’s moved on and she’s found love with someone new. That love she had with him is a memory in her head and her heart, but it has no place in her life now. She’s a different person, her life has changed dramatically and that love is in the past. If he rocked up now he’d be a stranger to her and regardless of those memories she has of him, he’s no longer the person she’s in love with. That’s exactly what happened with Buffy and Angel. They always loved each other, but Angel truly did move forward (whether Buffy moved on is something I’m less unsure of). In ‘Heartthrob’ (3x01) Angel told James that he’d lost the woman he loved (Buffy) and that he had loved her with his whole heart. In response, James said that that couldn’t be true because if it was, when she had died Angel would’ve died along with her. After that, in a scene with Cordy (x), Angel admitted that he was okay and had dealt with Buffy’s death and how he felt guilty about that. In my opinion, this episode (and those scenes in particular) confirmed that Angel had moved on from Buffy and had gotten to a place where he could finally open himself up to Cordelia wholeheartedly. In fact, David spoke about how Angel had moved on from Buffy and that Cordy was what he needed (he also mentioned Darla, which is a topic I won’t get into because I could write an entirely separate post about that too) and here’s what he said: 

Interviewer: Darla killed herself, right? The baby's mother? Who's gonna step up and help Angel raise the baby? Buffy?

David: God, no. Buffy's pretty much out of the picture. They've played their storyline and that's just the past. I think between Cordelia and Fred he'll be mommied to death. But, Buffy's just the past.

Interviewer: Oh, come on. Buffy can never really be just the past, can she? I mean, that's Angel's soulmate.

David: I think Darla was probably his soulmate. I mean, they spent a hundred years together, then made a baby. You can't just--

Interviewer: Well, then Buffy was his first love.

David: Angel was Buffy's first love, but Angel loved Darla in a sick way.

Interviewer: I'm a Buffy/Angel fan. Sorry.

David: You're forgiven. No, I'm just saying that the two shows are on different networks and it's not gonna happen. There's no more story there for those two. Buffy isn't Angel's priority anymore. In season one and two of our show, she was always in the back of his mind, well, now it's all about the baby and Buffy is just, well, she's just a person he used to know.

Interviewer : Awww, come on! The story there was so incredible.

David: And like every good story, it came to an end. And then started over. On. Different. Networks. (again with the emphasis)

Interviewer : Is Angel going to hook up with Cordy?

David: Well, I'm all for it. I don't know what the writers have planned in that regard, but I'm a fan of Charisma's work and I'd love for our characters to be romantically involved. Cordy is really what Angel needs, I believe. (x)

See, it’s important to acknowledge that as amazing as Buffy and Angel’s story was, they broke up and went their separate ways. As David rightfully pointed out, it was the past and Buffy was no longer his priority. It’s always frustrated me that Angel was expected not to move on and to pine for Buffy, whilst Buffy was allowed to move on and find love again. The argument is that Angel was so much older than Buffy that he couldn’t or rather shouldn’t want to find love, whilst Buffy was still young, but the problem is, although Angel was technically old, he was still a teenager himself in terms of his experiences in love. He didn’t have a soul for 100 years so was incapable of love and then he spent 100 years when he had a soul cut off from the world. He had barely experienced anything the world had to offer and he certainly hadn’t had the opportunity to forge connections with others or explore the world of love. Buffy was able to move on from Angel and experience different types of relationships/loves with Parker (urgh), Riley and Spike (amongst others who she flirted with or briefly dated post-BTVS season 3). Angel deserved the same opportunity to experience new types of relationships that were different than the one he had with Buffy. I’m going to use another quote The Vampire Diaries because I feel it sums this up perfectly, “I realised that I may not be able to explain what I feel for her, but it is something, and, yeah, maybe all love isn't true love in the messed up way that you and I have experienced it, but I think this could turn into something even better.” This right here is exactly how I perceive Angel’s feelings for Buffy and Cordelia to be. Angel had only ever loved one person, Buffy was all he’d ever known of love and it was so big, messy and all-consuming , but with Cordelia he realised that love didn’t necessarily have to be like that and that there are different types of love. 

There’s no disputing that Angel never loved Cordelia in the same way he loved Buffy (which this post explains perfectly) - Angel will never love anyone the way he loved Buffy, but he did fall in love with Cordelia and she enriched his life in new ways and filled a void in him in much the same way Buffy did. During ATS Cordelia surpassed Buffy in importance simply because of the place she had in Angel’s life - she was the center of his world and without her it wouldn’t be the same (we saw that in season 5). It would be unfair to claim Angel couldn’t or shouldn’t love someone else just because he had such an intense love with Buffy. What makes his relationship with Cordelia so special is that it was so different than the love he had with Buffy. Those two loves will always sit in contrast to each other, but will never overshadow or replace one another because they’re both significant and special for different reasons. 

The point of talking about this was really just to highlight that Angel and Cordelia’s relationship is not by any means invalid or inferior because of Buffy/Angel. Both relationships are important and exist in contrast to each other. Angel and Cordelia’s relationship does tend to be misunderstood and/or unappreciated due to the nature of the writing (which had a lot of problems in seasons 4 and 5, and even a little in season 3) and because they’re too heavily compared to the hot and heavy romance between Angel and Buffy. However, Angel and Cordelia’s relationship developed organically over time in a subtle way and is demonstrative of how much relationships can evolve as life progresses and circumstances change, and how two people can grow together. Theirs was a story about two people, who in the beginning were indifferent to each other, but grew to know each other profoundly and found a lot through being in each others lives - purpose, belonging, family, friendship and love - and through having and sharing that, they fell in love. It’s not a conventional romantic love as most of us would expect, and they didn’t have the chances to fully explore their romantic connection because their story ended prematurely, but it was a beautiful relationship embedded in human connection and friendship at the deepest and purest level.

If you got to the end of this, thank you so much for reading. This took me days and days to write and edit, so I’m really grateful to you for reading and would appreciate likes/reblogs if you found this interesting. I’d also love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so if you have any feel free to stop by my ask box :)

#angel the series #ats #cangel #angel x cordelia #ats meta #angel the series meta #cangel meta #mine #my meta #i can't even explain how long this took to write #i just hope that at least one person reads it now lmao #i spent so long on my last meta about the punisher and that has no notes #i guess even if no one reads it i get the enjoyment out of writing it and that's what counts

[bigskydreaming]

Okay, not to get into the TW discourse again today, because I am so done with that, but I do have to say one last thing about yesterday’s posts, because the ones I made really didn’t sit well with me in hindsight.

For years I’ve always stressed that I will never even try to defend Scott’s actions with Isaac in 3B, because they were flat out wrong and don’t need to be defended. I should have just stopped there. Every single other point I made in regards to THAT specific argument was irrelevant, because that’s the only thing that matters there. 

The scene was bad. Scott was wrong. It doesn’t need to be defended. 

HOWEVER.

(C’mon, its ME. You HAD to know there was a but coming.)

We are now willfully shifting gears to engage with another aspect of this entirely, the one we should have been focusing on all along:

The thing is I fell for one of the more obvious but effective discourse tactics, the shell game (hide the real argument behind a bunch of smaller arguments JUST tangential enough to the original topic that its easy to claim no derailment is happening - its basically the online equivalent of bigger law firms drowning their opposition in so many minor suits and filings that they eventually just can’t keep up).

Okay, because see.....here’s the problem. ‘The other side’ of this argument keeps trying to make it about that singular scene in 3A, and attacking Scott’s actions in it so obviously people are defensive....but we keep responding by trying to defend Scott’s overall CHARACTER rather than justifying a single scene. And we should be focusing on the scene, not the character. Because their fundamental argument has always been ‘well how can you defend THIS scene?’

And the actual answer to THAT has always been.....uh....we don’t?

There’s not a SINGLE Scott stan I know that likes that scene. It wasn’t something we wanted to see repeated, something we celebrated because Scott was exercising his primal Alpha power and right to rule or whatever the fuck. At no point have I EVER seen a Scott stan try and justify that scene as it being something RIGHT to do. Some people try and create a context for it to make sense of it in terms of why and how Scott could do that at all, but that is still aimed squarely at disavowing that scene as something we REJECT as an example of his characterization. We flat out DO NOT WANT IT.

Now.

Try and tell me the same can be said of Stiles and Derek stans defending THEIR abusive moments. Claim that nobody’s ever argued (extensively) how Stiles was JUSTIFIED in that hospital hallway scene in 5B. Imagine for a moment, what fandom would even look like if huge swaths of people hadn’t gone to fucking town defending Stiles for his actions in Lunatic, saying Scott deserved it and it wasn’t that bad, honestly. Same with Heart Monitor. Say people didn’t laugh and hope for more scenes like that instead of being eww why the fuck are they acting like this is normal BFF behavior. Pretend there weren’t YEARS of arguments justifying Derek’s violence with Scott and his betas by saying oh Scott did bad things too and also he said mean things so he deserved it and Derek was just teaching them how to survive and it was his right as their alpha, they knew what they were getting into, etc, etc, etc. 

No but seriously. Go on. Make those claims.

Y’know. So I can laugh at you for being dumb and saying dumb things.

See, THAT’S the difference here. THAT’S the ACTUAL issue constantly getting shoved behind endless attempts at obfuscation.

Yeah, Scott’s actions in that scene in 3B were bad. We’ve literally never disagreed on that point. Show me a single post from my blog or any of the Scott meta blogs, where one of us ever tried to argue that Isaac DESERVED what Scott did. Said ‘well Isaac did kiss his ex-girlfriend, what did he think was gonna happen?’

And the nerve of some people to habitually - for YEARS - harass Scott fans and hone in on that ONE Scott and Isaac scene like they actually give a single FUCK about abuse or abuse survivors, and like that scene has ever had anything to do with them not liking Scott.....

Because the truth under the right shell is the reason they never let the arguments focus on Derek and Stiles’ most abusive scenes at all....

IS BECAUSE THEY DON’T THINK THERE’S ANYTHING WRONG WITH THEM.

They’ve ALREADY spent years justifying that shit. We’ve seen it. Endlessly.

And like I’m gonna take deep thoughts on abuse from people who claim that taping up your friend and throwing lacrosse balls at him, getting him beaten up, treating him like an actual animal to humiliate him.....that all of that is normal, acceptable behavior between friends? People who have so little conviction on these matters that you just KNOW they would be screaming about how abusive it was if the roles had been switched and it was STILES being physically punished and it was SCOTT filling up a dog bowl and treating Stiles like a dog as payback for something? 

Nope.

This farce has gone on too long, and fuck your bullshit tactics of trying to weaponize issues you know some of us actually truly care about just for the sake of turning people against a fictional TV character. Why are we acting like you actually give a shit about what was actually wrong with that scene in 3B? You don’t! We have a literal decade of proof! Of you being willing to go to any lengths to defend not just Stiles and Derek’s actions....no, but their RIGHT to be physically abusive with the other characters. Saying that the other characters DESERVED this behavior, that they were JUSTIFIED in the HOW of their specific interactions.

You’ve never tried actually defending Stiles and Derek’s worst moments because you don’t think you have to. You're fine with them.

And then you turn around and act like you actually give a shit about what Scott did to Isaac, when you know damn well that none of us have EVER tried to argue that he was RIGHT to do that, or that Isaac somehow deserved it.

Like. LOL. Fuck off.

Anyway, I’m done with this particular discourse for good, there’s literally nothing more to say because its actually always been really simple all along....but like, free soundbite for anyone who does still run into these assholes and have them try and pull this shit per usual. They raise this argument again, just say this:

“Scott shouldn’t have done that, agreed. And we can talk about that.....after we talk about whether or not you think Stiles and Derek were justified in their worst actions in Heart Monitor, Lunatic, Ice Pick, etc. Otherwise we’re just not on the same page here and never will be, so bye.”

The End.

Anyway, I am literally done with this forever and ever, that is henceforth the only thing I have to say on this subject, everyone feel free to do whatever you will with this post, @ me and I’ll just smile and wave at those in the rear view mirror, its been a long road but at least we’ll always have Paris, etc etc etc aaaaaaand scene. 

[lynkhart]

MAJOR spoilers for the C2 finale of Critical Role so read at your own risk of you haven’t caught up!

I have so many feelings regarding Caleb and Essek’s intertwining character arcs I needed to explore, so strap in folks, you’re in for a bit of a ride! (But seriously though, this is like 4000 words long, I basically wrote an essay 😂)

At the start of the campaign, Caleb Widogast was dripping in guilt and self loathing and refused to believe he could ever absolve himself of his sins. Essek Thelyss was a cold, aloof individual who betrayed his people for selfish goals, and their differing yet mirrored narratives have been an absolute delight to watch unfold.

In the beginning Caleb truly hated himself. He shot down any attempt at a compliment, described himself as a ‘disgusting person’, outright rejected the idea that he was worthy of love, and never let the blame shift from him for what he’d done. When Beauregard and Veth/Nott pointed out that he was coerced and manipulated into killing his parents, he reacts in an incredibly visceral way, and I’ve seen several comments likening it to a victim of child abuse who was groomed into believing they were as responsible as their abuser, and I think that’s exactly how it was meant to be read. He doesn’t see himself as a victim, only a murderer, and punishes himself for it every day. We see this in the way he presents himself, dirty and unkempt because in his mind he doesn’t deserve to feel good about himself in any way. Other than Nott/Veth and Beau to a certain degree, he purposefully isolates himself from the rest of the group and it’s a long time until he feels relaxed enough in their company to drop his defences a little.

(Speaking from a purely meta point of view, Liam did an absolutely phenomenal job of showing this through body language and I’d love to see someone do a compilation video of it. He starts off very hunched and guarded, leaning his body away from the closest person to him and avoiding eye contact and physical touch; but by the end stands tall and sure of himself.)

Early on there were a few moments where he had the option to do some pretty dark shit, and I’m sure there’s a possible timeline where he gave into his desire for revenge and really lost his way, but I’m glad he stuck it out and worked through his trauma in the way he did. His PTSD and disassociation when casting with fire was tragic, but over time he was able to work through it thanks to the constant love and support of his friends who kept him from going off at the deep end.

Molly’s death was the catalyst for change in a lot of the party, and Caleb is no exception. On the verge of leaving the group prior to his death, the grief they shared, combined with their frantic attempt to rescue the other half of their party put things in perspective and gradually he learned how to be a person again, to care.

Altering time to save his family had been Caleb’s only goal in life, and so when Essek and by extension, dunamancy was introduced, you could see his eyes light up at the possibilities.

A huge turning point for him is aligned so closely with Essek’s redemption arc which feels quite apt I think. When Essek confesses to his crimes, Caleb delivers a beautifully iconic piece of dialogue where he acknowledges their similarities and how much he himself has changed as a person since meeting the Mighty Nein. (Source - CR wiki)

‘You listen to me. I know what you are talking about. I know. And the difference between you and I is thinner than a razor. I know what it means to have other people complicate your desires and wishes. And I was like you. Was. I know what a fool I have been for years. You didn't account for us. Good. That is life. Shit hits you sideways in life and no one is prepared. No one is ready. These people changed me. These people can change you. You were not born with venom in your veins. You learned it. You learned it. You have a rare opportunity here, Thelyss. One chance to save yourself, and we are offering it.’

This is not the same Caleb we met back in the Nestled Nook inn way back in the first episode. While not yet fulfilled or entirely convinced of his own worth, he knows he’s on the right path. That alone is progress enough, but that he uses his own experiences to help another escape those same chains of guilt says such a lot for his development. When he tells Essek that his ‘venom’ was learned, he’s also talking about himself and his own history of being manipulated and gaslit, with the implication being that it can be un-learned just as efficiently.

Caleb Widogast is selfish no more, or at the very least, doesn’t let his goals undermine anyone else’s anymore. Contrary to what he himself might still think, he is in no way a bad person. He loves fiercely and cannot abide seeing those he cares about in pain.

Early game Essek is what Caleb could have been if he’d rejected his friends and focused solely on his own selfish goal to undo his mistakes. Both are impassive at first and see the Mighty Nein as means to an end...until they get to know them and then their fate is sealed. The Power of Friendship wins once again!

At the beginning Caleb said he wanted to ‘bend reality to my will’ (sic) and in the end he does just that, though not in the way he originally intended. Destroying the T-Dock, and by extension the one thing he’d been building towards from the start, the chance to go back and change time, for me personally was the absolute peak of his journey. I rewatched the scene where Caleb revealed the truth about his parents death today, and it was really jarring to see just how far he’d come since then. It made me oddly proud actually.

I always felt like his plan to save his parents was the one thing holding him back from truly accepting their deaths, which is why the final scene of him in the cemetery with the letters for them hit so hard. He never truly gave up hope that they’d be reunited, but ultimately he realised he was merely postponing the inevitable and never allowing himself to live his own life. While time travel shenanigans would have been incredibly interesting to explore in game, choosing to let the past lie and not go back for them finally allows him to grieve and move on, and perhaps most importantly of all, to forgive himself at last.

I know some people were annoyed by Caleb’s decision in the finale to spend the rest of his life teaching rather than continuing to adventure, but I see it as the natural conclusion to his whole arc and his own personal victory.

He looked Trent Ikithon in the eyes, a man who he’d spent years wanting to kill and run from in equal measure, stripped him of his power and his voice (and ultimately his ability to harm anyone else) and finally spared his life so he had to live with the indignity of his defeat for the rest of his miserable existence. You couldn’t have asked for a more damning rejection of everything he’d been brainwashed into believing as a child. His dismissal of Trent’s position in the Assembly played into that as well. He never really wanted power for the sake of it; he had no desire for politics, he just wanted his family back, and while he didn’t get the one he started with, he made a new one for himself in the end.

As Caduceus once very wisely said:

‘Pain doesn’t make people; it's love that makes people. The pain is inconsequential; it's love that saves them.’

Caleb gets to break the cycle of abuse and teach a new generation of mages the way he should have been, with kindness and respect, and I’m pretty sure he’d have introduced a handsome drow as a guest lecturer from time to time. 😉

Speaking of...

Essek described himself as selfish and as a coward, forever putting his own wants and desires first, yet over the course of his journey with the Nein we see his priorities change drastically.

Having friends gives him people to care about, something he’s never had before, and it changes his outlook on life completely. For me, the first time we really see this is when he joins them for dinner in the Xorhaus and stops levitating. It’s a subtle thing, but meaningful. He explains that it had become an expectation of him, a quirk he’s known for, and so to feel comfortable enough around the Nein to drop that pretence is quite bold I think.

Much later, when he chooses to destroy the mini beacon they discover in Aeor in order to give everyone a long rest before the final confrontation with Lucian, he’s essentially giving up everything he betrayed his people for, just to keep his friends safe. The existence and context of that single artefact could have had an earthshattering impact on the Dynasty’s entire culture, forcing them to reevaluate their entire belief system and attitude to the Luxon, something he’d wanted from the start, something he helped start a war for, but he offered it up as a sacrifice without a second thought.

I’d say that’s a pretty big morality shift, and I’m super interested to see if Matt reveals if his alignment changed in the post campaign Q&A. I have a feeling he set him up as a potential BBEG but the party was like ‘no, you can’t have him, he’s ours now’ and that was the end of that. 😂

I think it says so much about the other characters too, that they befriended this person they barely knew, and when he was revealed to have done such terrible things, their first reaction was to give him comfort and an opportunity to atone. Jester held his hand while he confessed, and afterwards, while they didn’t immediately forgive him, they saw the good in him and wanted him to be better, which ultimately feels like what the entire campaign was about, leaving places (and people) better than they found them. It’s obvious that he’s never really had many friends before and has therefore never had the opportunity to be emotionally open with anyone, so seeing him gradually warm up to the Nein and allow himself to soften around them was really lovely to watch.

(Obviously, from a realistic moral perspective, he still fucked up big time. He’s still a godsdamned war criminal and really should have been put on trial for what he did, but I think from a narrative and personal point of view, his redemption arc was far more satisfying, so I’m glad it happened the way it did. (And not to derail but the rest of the gang have done some pretty horrific stuff as well, though perhaps not quite on the same scale)

He has a few moments towards the end that I absolutely love because they show that beneath the guilt and anguish, there’s an incredibly sweet and sensitive soul in there, just wanting acceptance. His dry jokes which often don’t quite hit, (the ‘I will punish the bakery’ line is such an under-appreciated one 😂) his simple joy at learning to garden in the Blooming Grove, and realising that he’d never been asked what his favourite food was before was actually kind of heartbreaking, because it highlighted how lonely his life must have been until that time. There was a moment pretty early on I think when he cast disguise on the party and Jester asked if he could cast it again to change the look of her outfit a bit and while he seemed to find it amusing, he refused, not wanting to waste a spell on such a frivolous request. Cut to their time in Aeor where he burns a fly spell just so he and Caleb can flirtatiously swoop around each other for a couple of minutes, all the while trying to beat Lucian to the city.

His breakdown when Molly’s resurrection failed really cemented to me how much he’d grown as a character. He never met Molly, his only knowledge of him was secondhand, through the eyes of his friends, but seeing it fail just broke him because he knew how much it hurt them to go through it all over again.

His comment to Caleb about not admitting defeat and wishing he could do more did get me wondering at the time if he was going to try and do something crazy, perhaps sacrificing himself via the Temporal Dock to make amends or somehow forcing another reroll, but I’m glad he didn’t. The conversation following that with Fjord was one of my favourites- he shows him acceptance and belief in his potential for the future, something he’s lacked for a long time, and when Caleb bluntly affirms afterwards that he is indeed an official member of the Mighty Nein, it’s the start of the rest of his life, and something he’s exceptionally grateful for.

It all leads to that final moment in Aeor with Caleb, when, presented with the opportunity to alter time and undo everything, he chooses to accept his decisions and carry the weight of his sins for the rest of his long life. That’s...huge.

He’s essentially choosing to live the rest of his existence as a fugitive, forever on the run, with no guaranteed peace or safety. He chooses to spend his life making up for his deeds, rather than looking for an easy way out.

I think that may have had a big impact on why Caleb ultimately made the same decision, as if Essek had been up for altering his timeline I think he’d have struggled to resist it himself. The conversation they had earlier in Aeor about their priorities and resisting temptation really comes to mind as well.

Now, to the relationship.

It was subtle, and not as ‘in your face’ obvious as the other characters, but I’ve been watching and hoping for a long time and I must say, it feels good to be vindicated.

(And if you have any doubt, both Matt and Liam confirmed on Twitter that their post finale relationship was 100% romantic)

I’d been hoping that Shadowgast would be a canon endgame relationship for a while, so the finale, and the aforementioned T-Dock scene in particular had me quite literally shaking with emotion as I watched live. Here you have two men, both damaged and guilt-stricken in their own ways, who find in each other a kindred spirit and a path to redemption.

They’re both very guarded and closed off people, but Essek in particular has a definite shift in the last arc of the campaign especially when it came to his interactions with Caleb. At the start he was quite aloof and stoic, though charming, and they had an instant connection through their shared love of the arcane, (anyone who couldn’t see them making heart eyes at each other when Essek was describing the different types of magic he could teach Caleb was clearly blind) but by the end he was incredibly open to showing his vulnerabilities and that takes a lot, especially for someone whose primary focus was to stay in control of every aspect of his life. The ‘Caleb, I’m scared’ moment during the Trent fight in particular made my heart ache.

No, we didn’t get a dramatic declaration of love or a cinematic mid-battle kiss, but I’d argue that their relationship was just as, if not more intimate than any of the other main characters were. They understood each other in a way the others didn’t, their shared guilt, feelings of inadequacy and their obsession with magic forged a deep connection from the get-go. Neither of them are big fans of PDA I think, though Caleb is tactile as hell (forehead touches and kisses, oh man, I’m so weak for those 😩👌) and some of their most iconic moments have them putting themselves in harm’s way to protect the other. Essek shaking off his forced guilt trip immediately after the now infamous forehead touch in ep140 was beautifully poetic, as was using his fortune’s favour to pull Caleb out of the rubble moments before. Caleb trying to include him in his Sphere of Invulnerability in the finale and Essek staying close to him the whole fight despite being obviously terrified of Trent was the icing on the cake. It’s clear that they care for each other a great deal; whether by the finale they’d consider it love is up for debate, but we know that’s eventually where it ended up and honestly, I love that. I deeply appreciated the fact Matt and Liam both emphasised that they took their time with their relationship, letting each other heal in their own way before they took the next step. All too often in media, and real life too sadly, a romantic relationship is seen as some kind of quick fix, and that a lover will somehow complete you or make all your problems vanish. They knew this wasn’t the case here, and that made it all the better.

While I would have *loved* to have seen them together as a couple right to the very end, the change in their relationship felt right, if bittersweet. I doubt they ever stopped loving each other, and if anything, choosing to shift to a deep and lifelong friendship over a romance that would cause them both so much pain is one of the kindest things you could do for someone you love. After all, friendship isn’t a downgrade, just another way of experiencing that same love, and it wasn’t as though they broke up and never saw each other again, it was pretty strongly implied that they remained a major feature in each other’s lives, they just changed their label slightly. Caleb would hate to have forced Essek to watch him wither away, and although his eventual passing would hurt Essek regardless, incompatible lifespans being what they are, having a period of time to adjust to it, to give them a buffer between the inevitable heartbreak was actually really sweet.

Their romance was no accident, they knew going in that it had a time limit, that it wasn’t going to be forever for one of them, and the fact they did it anyway says so much. They began their adventure wholeheartedly believing that they were both, in their own way incapable of love, only to later find it with each other. Whether their relationship lasted for a couple of years or multiple decades is irrelevant, what matters is that while it did they had a happy and fulfilled life together.

I know some folk wanted Caleb to use the transmogrification spell on himself so he could live on with Essek as another elf, or make him human instead, but that would have been way out of character for both I think. If they could have backwards engineered one of the rejuvenation stations in Aeor and used it to extend Caleb’s life by a hundred years or so, so he’d have a similar lifespan to Veth, now, I could have seen him possibly doing that, so he could spend more time with his best friend too, but nothing further I think. He longed to be reunited with his parents too much to postpone death unnaturally like that.

That both Caleb and Essek ultimately chose to live with their mistakes and make peace with themselves was incredibly cathartic, and I couldn’t imagine it playing out any better.

The fact Matt has explicitly stated Essek is Demi too means so much to me personally because the latter is a label I’ve been identifying with a lot recently, and it’s so rare for aspec relationships to get any representation! It has honestly given me a lot to think about over the last few days, and I really appreciate it.

To conclude, here’s a bit of shameless self promotion. I wrote this after watching the finale and honestly feel like it sums up my feelings on the nature of their relationship pretty well.

‘A casual hand on a shoulder, a waist, a wrist; a gentle kiss placed on a forehead is common between them now, an intimacy born of trust and mutual affection. Over time it grows, like a fire born of seasoned timber; gradual and steady, no spluttering kindling that flares and sparks, but a slow burn, one which lasts.

Their love is embroidered into every aspect of their lives together. Acts of service, of comfort, of understanding.

Sometimes a kiss leads to more than a kiss, sometimes it doesn’t. Either way they are content.‘

So yeah, I love these two wizard boys so very much and I couldn’t be happier with the conclusion of their stories. ❤️

#Critical Role #Critical Role Spoilers #CR Spoilers #shadowgast #Essek thelyss #Caleb Widogast #C2ep141 #C2ep141 spoilers #critical role finale

[rinharu-purple]

Emmm 👉👈 can i request Gavin's spring festival date analysis?! Ehem especially when Gavin said "I've waited a long time for today.." 💙

But Of course if you're not busy.. I'll wait patiently.. I just.. love read your analysis 💙 like i can feel your love and dedication for Gavin.. a lot of Gavin stan is very smart and loyal.. just like Gavin itself

Hello nonny and of course you can! Thank you for your lovely ask and reading my posts. It makes me really happy to hear this 💞 I can also double up what you've said, Our birdcop is smart and loyal and I really love being a part of Gavin-standom which includes so many talented writers, artists, analysts and it has @cheri-translates! There are so many great posts from various accounts and one can feel the love, passion and loyalty towards Gavin in all of them! 💫

An analysis on Spring Festival date is so overdue, so it is me who should apologize for not having written this before. I will more than gladly include your request scene, I hope you enjoy it ^_^

MC Testing Waters: Spring Festival Date

At the beginning of the game, MC is a young woman with lots of love in her heart, however without much experience in love. Fortunately this starts to change when she meets LIs as adults.

Spring Festival Date takes place after Firework Date and before the Romantic Date, although the timeline is quite messy, which I will come to by the end of this analysis.

If you look closely, you can see MC checking Gavin's romantic feelings towards her by using this "boyfriend game" and also uses the opportunity to get beyond his hardened exterior and touch his vulnerable side 💗

Spoilers start below this line

This date comes to, because MC lies to her aunt about having a boyfriend to avoid arranged blind dates and even promises to visit her on New Years with her boyfriend. Speculatively it seemed like a solid play, until...the time literally came.

Thinktanking about a way out of this with Kiki and Willow, they weight different options as to tell them she broke up with him, leave the city or call in sick but then the best wingman on earth Minor saves the way and suggests that she just takes a "fake boyfriend" with her, surely enough with Gavin in his mind.

MC goes through her contacts list to search for a suitable candidate, but her heart Whispers her the answer by skipping a beat as her fingertips scroll down to one name.

... Gavin

As such... MC has chosen her player for the game and Gavin's Heart Trial with MC's family commences...

---Press Start---

Creativity Test

Unluckily Gavin actually shows up for this highly important date late, with his phone off! From the storyline he arrives a couple of minutes late to MC’s aunt's place, thus starting the game one point behind. He was late because he was buying presents for the whole family! With the spot on gifts which are well received by the family because they're expensive, imported goods, limited products, cute and thoughtful he makes up for the lost points.

But it's just the first stage and he has 3 more stages to clear, the pressure is slowly rising.

This gray suit has a lovely story behind it, which you can find by the end of the story.

Decision Test

Gavin has passed the creativity test with flying colors, but in the second stage more challenging questions are on the menu. The eldest aunt wants to know Gavin's age, occupation, salary(?!) and possessions(?!). The last two questions are fairly over the line and is a no-no in my country. Asking people about their financial status as well as bragging about it is perceived as rude and insolent, that's why the way Gavin answers these questions skillfully without bragging about his wealth adds just another brick on my Gavin-temple.

Age: 24

Occupation: Police Officer

Salary: Covers the bills

Possessions: A flat in the city and a motorcycle.

In my Prank date analysis, I've mentioned about Gavin's ability to deal with impertinence and also here, he stays friendly, but only answers the questions necessary to get through with the situation. MCs family is checking whether he's wealthy enough to take care of MC (which is sad that in the 21st century that in some countries women need to be financially secured by men). So Gavin just gives them just the right enough of information to pass the test and pass he does.

There is another aspect to his way of answering though. You see, Gavin is an unmaterialistic man. He doesn't care about money or any other meta. He doesn't touch upon the fact that he's coming from a wealthy family, or that he inherits his grandparents house or that he can afford designer dresses, overseas travels or gems without giving a second thought. That shows just how humble Gavin is and I love him for it. What defines him is not his wealth, nor does he allow anyone define him on his financial status. It's his character, the values he stand for, the vision he embodies, the way he treats MC.. Ehm.. And.. His champion body and drop dead gorgeous looks (comes as an extra;))

But the game is far from over, because the family council is now going to challenge him on...

Affinity Test

This is where things get rosy as the family would like to know how they've met and whether they've been together since high school.

Look, Gavin is actually not playing a game, but living the moment. He is well aware of the fact that once he and MC become an official pair, he will be standing on the same spot a year later. He is serious...

So when they ask about their affection, he gives them his genuine answer and confesses his crush on her during high school and says that they've been going out since fall. This dazzles MC, as if she hasn't been dazzled enough lol.

The three glasses of drink he gulps surely has a role in this sincerity and taking three glasses of a drink as a punishment also becomes a tradition for MC and Gavin in the future.

And so, he proudly passes the Affinity Test with flying colors, effortlessly. Only one more stage and he's done it!

Execution Test

Every hero has his moment, when the fight takes a gloomier turn against his favor and the odds don't look good as before when he gets a strong blow, that is when the family hits him with the question "Don't you get alone well with your family?".

This is Gavin's weak spot, his cryptonite, his bleeding wound and MC's family just pressed on it. What makes this scene so heartbreaking is not just the topic itself and we know why it is a sensitive topic for Gavin but also that Gavin actually tries to signal them that this is not his favorite topic. He tells them he doesn't go home for holidays (friendly warning number 1), the aunties pushes by telling him to take some meal with him to which he replies "Thanks, but that's okay. I've been away for a long time" (friendly warning number 2) the family pushes further and as a one last resort he tells them that during college he rarely went there and spent holidays working afterwards (friendly warning number 3). Sadly the auntie than ignorantly ask whether his family doesn't worry about him and now because he's given three fair warning shots which, he downright gives them a brief and resolute answer:

- No.

That's usually the latest where people with common sense stop digging in further. Unfortunately then the auntie asks whether he doesn't get along well with his family to which Gavin no longer responds. This is the perfect way of dealing with such people and Gavin has a very intuitive talent for dealing different people from different mindsets. Give them three friendly and fair warnings, still pushing? Then give them a last chance by one final brief and to the point answer, they choose to ignore the signal? Stop interacting, you can only waste time beyond this point.

The only problem with this situation here, is that these people are not just somebody, Gavin wants to win these people over, so he cannot just ignore them. But also he cannot do it without a timeout, so he goes to grab some wine. (God it makes me so sorry everytime he has to face his family drama or is misjudged. I just wanna hug him bring him hot cocoa, give him a backrub and bring spicy food for him. Luckily he has MC ^_^)

But let's not talk only about about Gavin, because MC is struggling too. And we should recognize her stick up for him with the most cherishing words:

-Auntie, you got it wrong. He is a decent and pure man and has come to my aid many time and in quite dangerous circumstances.

When she comes back however cannot find Gavin, once she does, a heartwarming moment blooms between them.

This scene is very crucial in Gavin and MC's relationship because this is the first time MC sees Gavin tired and flustered. She feels sad for him but also happy for herself, for she feels as though she gets closer to him, thus seeing the real Gavin. By the way she show him her genuine care, Gavins heart melts and kisses the back of her hand as a gesture and so the first intimate moment involving them having a kiss ensues. Furthermore, they show each other their mutual care, which brings them one step closer and this gives Gavin the only courage he needs to tackle the situation.

When our hero gets the courage and the stamina he need from his girl, nothing can stop him now. Having gatherer his strength, Gavin returns to the dinner table:

“I am so happy to be here with you all today. In fact, I haven't felt this atmosphere of family in a long time. I have a very strict father and a brother I seldom see...I don’t even know when I turned into such a loner. Eating alone, sleeping alone, doing everything alone...until I met her. It was a beautiful autumn day. The gingko leaves were floating in the wind. I was also going through a pretty dark time. But she saved me before I hit bottom...It’s she who told me I could live a stronger life. And it’s also she who told me I could live a more tender life. I never felt lonely before, until I met her. I started to get used to star-gazing with her, having dinner with her, spending the New Year’s with her. In the future, I'll give it my all to stay with her, to take good care of her and love her. I wanna make up many times over for all the times I wasn't there”

MC’s heart stopped, aunties eyes teary, the elder Aunt want his actions to back up these words and thus Gavin has a pass from MC's family. Now that he's won the game, it's time to collect his prize.

After they leave MC's aunt's house, our lovebirds walk together in the night full of fireworks and Gavin tells Mc that Minor has mentored him on being the perfect son-in-law, hence he was late. He also asks her what she would do if he didn't show up, to which she says that her intuition says that he won't fail her and he murmurs quietly:

- I've waited a long time for today.

Of course he doesn't repeats himself when MC asks him about what he just said. But that's what kept him going all night long.

He has waited for six whole years to meet her again, to stand by here, take good care of her and love her. Tonight, he could do them all by being her "boyfriend", giving his word to her family and having their blessings. He could see that she also cares a lot for him, worries about him and wants to be there for him. He landed his lips for the first time on her delicate skin and could give her warmth.

He could finally confess his feelings for her and say the genuine things he will only say to her.

So yes, he has waited for a long time for this moment to come and when it came, he made sure to grab it tightly.

----—----—---

Timeline issues:

- The order of the dates in the game doesn't always reflect the real course of events. The grey suit that Gavin wears is actually bought after Romantic Date, which takes place after this date.

-Even though MC plans this whole game to avert blind dates, but she still gets set up later on a blind date by another aunt lol.

Thank you once again for your patience nonny and I hope that the analysis proves to be worthy of your wait 💗

Masterlist

For MC's confession let me take you here

For Gavin and MCs relationship milestones here

For a fun trivia about this date you can click here

#Meeting the family is important #Gavin preparing for being the perfect son in law #And getting help from Minor #Anon asks #mlqc #mlqc gavin #mlqc bai qi #mlqc haku #mlqc baek gi #mr love queen's choice #koi to producer #Meta #Analysis #Saturday night #Saturday

[phantomchick]

Hello darling Phantom!! <3 It's been a while, I hope you are happy and healthy ^_^ If you're still up to that last ask game, for the DC fandom? Take care of yourself and have a lovely week <3 <3 <3

Oh wow hey het, it sure has and likewise <3

Thanks for the ask, because you chose one of the fandoms I'm most into, be excited for a detailed response! <3 Hope you have a great week as well.

Blorbo: Jason Todd my beloved

Scrunkly: Jason Todd again, because on every level except physical he is baby. But also Captain Atom because that is a whole traumatised lump of silver who just wants to be free and cheer up those around him. Supergirl because holy fuck she lost a whole planet when old enough to remember it and I have feelings about that that I want to explore, her poking out from under Superman's cape is an experience in cuteness only equalled by the robins doing it with Batman. Speaking of Batman, him too but like Batman from b:tas and legend of the dark knight not the gross mean one. Well written batman who needs to be protected from writers who think he's coolest when he's unkind and controlling, I mean the one who's just a shadow with pointy ears who shows up to help people, that guy. He's a scrunkly, must protect.

scrimblo bimblo: Lady Blackhawk because she has all the flavour of Steve Rogers being displaced in time to another era of superheroes (with the blackhawks being her version of the howling commandos) but none of the distraction from it, she's all of the sass and ten times the style. Also she's air force which is cooler (I don't make the rules it just is). I want to angst about her but there are no fics. Also her only run worth mentioning is birds of prey by gail simone and since flashpoint she like most of the older gen heroes has been scrubbed from existence as far as I can tell so that makes her even more worthy of the category. And Wildcat. I'm gonna put Black Orchid down too because I've never seen much with her in fandom despite Neil Gaiman's famous work on her title.

glup shitto: Dawnstar, Static Shock, Alan Scott

poor little meow meow: Jason Todd - I spend an unreasonable amount of time reading h/c fic with him so yes can confirm HE IS THE POOREST OF LITTLE MEOWS! Also he gets labelled as the violent dumbass of the robins who comes from crook stock and is now just a crook in a vigilante way, it's awful and I want to help him, in both a meta and textual way. But he murders people so I can't deny the fact he's a problematic fave. Batman being a pathetic fan favourite is basically canon but also he's here because he is being written as a domestic abuser a lot lately and that hurts as someone who wants to like the character. Fond distant memories of the times he's written as a likeable hero worthy of admiration. That time he adopted an alien starfish recently was neat. Captain Atom because again traumatised lump of silver just trying his best to exist but the man is keeping him down, he is like wolverine if wolverine was more pathetic and had no way out of the military who experimented on him enslaving him and also no support system. Free him. Problematic because he blew up bludhaven that one time. Still king though.

horse plinko: basically any character I fixate on is on the table here, I have needs and they involve my favourites being tormented and patched back together more whole than before

eeby deeby: Amanda Waller, Anton Arcane, Black Mask, and Joker are all going straight down the tube to eeby deeby long may they suffer, but like - with regards to Joker I wish he was a better written villain? Miss the days when he made sense, getting labelled batman's nemesis was the worst thing to ever happen to this character but I'm prepared to punish him with superhell for it anyway. And lastly Harley Quinn because she's annoying and being bi doesn't change that in fact it makes it worse that she's a redeemed anti hero now when she spent ages murdering people - being in a relationship with an eco terrorist doesn't make her or the eco terrorist less guilty of mass murder even if she has the excuse of an abusive relationship with the joker for some of it and actually I would like better representation instead of a flat redemption of zany clown girl. Like Poison Ivy grew plants out of random civilians intestines to make cool trees but is that retconned now? No? Redeeming a character takes an actual redemption arc not a relationship one and even if she had one she would still be annoying as a character and would still be guilty of the birds of prey movie being all about her when she was never a part of BoP. Superhell the moment she's done making out with Poison Ivy so we can have an accurate rendition of the supernatural scene. Also double pisses me off because it means batman now has no super evil female villains left, they've all been through villain decay and Selina wasn't a villain villain to start with. Bah humbug.

Alright I had a lot of fun doing that hope my answers were fun to read.

#ask game #I had so much fun doing this #thanks for the ask #dc fandom

[midnightactual]

Yoruichi, Kūkaku, Kisuke and the Soul Society Arc

The relationship between Yoruichi, Kūkaku, and Kisuke isn’t explored much at all in canon, despite the fact we’re expected to take away that they’re friends (if not best friends). However, I think this relationship explains a lot of what happens within the early Soul Society arc. We know from chapter 175 that:

Aizen states he knew the Ryoka would be coming from West Rukongai. Why? Well, the only reasonable answer is Kūkaku. While it seems extremely evident that Yoruichi can enter Soul Society undetected in her cat form, using the Senkaimon, and has done so to remodel the Study Chamber’s annex, her going back and forth constantly is likely undesirable, and also probably didn’t happen, as chapter 78 indicates:

Kūkaku’s repeated emphasis of it having been a long time since she and Yoruichi have met suggests they haven’t done so since she went into exile. This is corroborated by the implication that Yoruichi does not know Ganju:

Her reaction to him introducing himself is the same as everyone else’s. You might say this is just a comedy moment, but think about it. How many people are there in Rukongai named Ganju? How many of them know some kind of strange earth magic? Yoruichi did not attach any importance to Ganju’s appearance in chapter 76 and 77, regarding him as a waste of time... when she’d literally just determined to find Kūkaku. If she knew Ganju was a Shiba and they already wanted to find Kūkaku, the sensible thing would’ve been to demand Ganju take them to her, not wander around using a map the next day. We also know from chapter 83 that:

Ganju was just a child when Kaien died, which happened sometime after 1952. (We know Hisana died “50 years ago” in 1951, Byakuya found Rukia the next year and brought her into the Gotei 13, and Rukia presumably spent at least a few years with Kaien.) This makes it likely (though by no means guaranteed, given the example of Nanao, but Ganju describes himself as “just a child” which Nanao likely wouldn’t have) that he was born after Yoruichi’s departure in 1901. They are likely to have never met before. (This also implies that Kaien, Kūkaku, and Ganju’s parents were alive until very recently, or may still be!)

So we can say 1. Yoruichi has been back to Soul Society and set up the the Study Chamber as a supply depot, and 2. she has likely not interacted with Kūkaku since leaving initially. Why the second? Well, pretty obviously, because meeting with Kūkaku would put her at risk and make things rather obvious. So, what does this have to do with Aizen? Well, that touches on another mystery: how does Kisuke get products from Soul Society?

We know from chapter 70 that Kisuke cannot go through his own Senkaimon. It follows that the same is true of Tessai. We know Yoruichi can as a cat, but likely can’t in her proper form. (Since she also comes back from Soul Society as a cat too, which is her last canonical use of the form.) We also know Kisuke’s Senkaimon can only stay open for four minutes:

We also know that transit through the Senkaimon is perilous. So, does it make much sense that Yoruichi run through the Dangai as a cat, hauling potentially heavy cargo which might get snared in the restrictive current and lost? Nope, especially when it’s likely that Yoruichi is not often at the Shōten (as Ururu and Jinta don’t know her and they’ve likely grown like normal humans). So what is the solution then?

Kisuke opens his Senkaimon above Kūkaku’s Flower Crane Cannon and she fires cargo shells through it containing his required items. Aizen noticed this and deduced how they were operating.

Kisuke’s Senkaimon opens in the air for some reason, almost as though to accommodate the height of the cannon:

Kūkaku launches crew with Method Two and the jolt isn’t so bad. (What’s Method One for then?)

The projectiles can also make sharp turns and accelerate after launch with no visible propulsion:

So, this presents a very obvious method of safely and securely getting cargo through the Dangai without risk to anyone. It is, however, conspicuous, and it also requires a method of communication.

Kūkaku moves around a lot, but appears to stick to West Rukongai. There may be some association between the Shiba and West Rukongai (as CFYOW tells us the Shiba lived in Rukongai even when they were a Great Noble Clan) which results in Kūkaku having an association with Jidanbō, which lets her easily enter the Seireitei even when she shouldn’t be able to (per CFYOW), or maybe she stays in West Rukongai for easy access to the Seireitei through him. Maybe both.

(We never hear what Yoruichi’s original plan for infiltrating the Seireitei was, but it appears to not have involved Kūkaku. My personal bet is that the canals under the Seireitei that 4th Division use empty out somewhere, as the water has to go someplace, and Hanatarō is wrong that only 4th Division knows them: it would make perfect sense that the Onmitsukidō know them too. But that’s a different piece of meta.)

It’s also very evident that Ichigo’s use of the Spirit Core in chapter 81 is what tips off Aizen that they’re coming. His use of it is extremely obvious, with Kūkaku noticing his reiatsu from the surface:

This flare is probably similar in output to the one he emits in chapter 116, which Jūshirō says could “only belong to a Captain”, making it likely readily obvious to Aizen’s surveillance (and Kūkaku also seems very surprised at the magnitude of it). Right after Ichigo stops using the Spirit Core, an intruder alert interrupts the meeting Yamamoto is holding to discuss Gin’s punishment, and all the Shinigami are kept up all night patrolling even though the Ryoka will not actually arrive until the next morning. This was very clearly orchestrated by Aizen, from within Central 46, in order to tire out and agitate the Gotei 13 so the Ryoka would be more successful at evading capture.

(This also means that the Aizen who attended the meeting, who Tōshirō saw exchange words with Gin, was not actually Aizen. That Aizen notably sweatdrops beforehand and behaves rather weirdly during the meeting and alert. It’s Substitute-san, nervous that the show’s started, delivering rehearsed lines with Gin. Probably a different guy than the one in TBTP since this once is much better at acting. Whatever happened to him anyway?)

In other words, Aizen observed that Kisuke’s Senkaimon only operated in West Rukongai (although his assertion that it only can operate there seems to be conjecture) and posted surveillance which detected Ichigo’s reiatsu emission, thus cluing him into the Ryoka preparing to move, just as he said.

That this pattern had long ago been made was probably predictable from Kisuke’s end, and he likely deliberately played into it to encourage Aizen’s arrogance, leaving Yoruichi to improvise on the ground.

As for how Yoruichi or Kisuke could communicate with Kūkaku during this time so as to place orders for equipment without visiting her, that’s a little more complicated. It’s obviously impossible to establish a hardline connection, and any kind of emitted signaling could be intercepted. Kisuke can’t run messages through his Senkaimon without sending someone on a perilous journey or building his own launching device. But there is an easy, expedient, covert, and disposable system: couriers.

There are plenty of souls left wandering around by Shinigami on Earth: you simply give them an encoded message and tell them to find Kūkaku once they arrive in Rukongai. While where they’re sent is random, if you do this a fair number of times, one of them should be able to make it to her. (Their reward is that given she always seems to live near the Seireitei, they wind up in a pretty safe district.) As for how Kūkaku would decode such a message, a cipher could’ve been left by Yoruichi as a dead drop during one of her rare visits.

If you wanted a darker but more “express” option, you would find someone fairly tough and violent (say, Yakuza enforcers), use a memory replacer to give them a memory of the message (it seems likely that Kisuke has iterated on the standard Gotei 13 Kikanshinki, given Yoruichi mentions a Kikanshinki Deluxe in CFYOW), and then kill them and give them soul burial. Such individuals would be far more likely to survive making it to Kūkaku regardless of where they were sent. (Depending on what they were guilty of, you could encode that into the message too and let her deal with them as she might.)

Anyway, I think it’s very obvious that Kūkaku is Yoruichi and Kisuke’s main point of contact in Soul Society. Jūshirō may also be involved, given his interest in Earth (vis-à-vis Ginjō and the Fullbringers) and how unlikely it is that nobody in the 13th Division ever noticed Kisuke, an infamous criminal (both Isshin and Ikkaku immediately recognized his name), was operating openly in Karakura. Indeed, Jūshirō may be directly involved. When the Ryoka are coming down over the Seireitei, we see that it has a radial design:

The four gates create four quadrants, each of which is divided into three. This makes for twelve slices. We know 1st Division occupies the center, so the most obvious orientation for the divisions’ physical territory is that each is simply a slice. If that’s the case, it is entirely possible that 13th Division is one of the two slices along the road coming from the West Gate, which would make it very easy for Kūkaku or her retainers to reach the Study Chamber at Sōkyoku Hill, gather supplies, and leave, or to augment them directly from 13th Division’s stocks.

#Out Of Character #Long Post #Meta #Headcanons

[c-is-for-circinate]

I’ve got like 2000+ words of wordspew in a draft trying to explain what the fuck is going on in Veth’s head, because she makes sense, I swear she does, but the real problem is that I’m pretty sure I’m trying to explain my mother and that’s just never a good place to be when doing character meta.

Some key points:

It is so important that good people get good things and bad people get bad things.  Veth desperately needs the world to work that way, because that’s how the world is supposed to work when it makes sense.  Obviously the world hasn’t actually made sense in years, but--isn’t that the entire point of everything the M9 have been doing this whole time?  Putting the world back in order the way it’s supposed to sit?  Isn’t that what ending the war was all about?

“Good” or “Bad” get assigned based on some mysterious essence at the heart of a person, rather than their actions.  The fact that Veth thinks about the world this way makes a ton of sense when you think about her childhood, where she spent hears getting bullied and harassed for who she couldn’t help being, rather than what she chose to do, at least from her point of view.  Even the people who really loved her (her parents, Yeza, Luc) probably came at it more from the point of view of “of course we love you, you’re our daughter/my mom/yourself” than because of anything in particular she did.

Veth’s spent a long fucking time not entirely sure where she fell on the Good vs Bad spectrum, which has never actually been about guilt for her, because it’s not about actions, after all.  It’s always, always been about shame.  She’s spent a long time so very ashamed of everything about who she was.  She thought she’d done wrong just by existing.

Between meeting the goblins of Xhorhas, reuniting with a Yeza that still loves her, and the companionship and support of the M9, plus getting her own body back, Veth’s come down on the “I can be good” side of the line.  She really likes it there.  She wants to stay there very badly.  (And being good has never just been about virtue--it’s about being smart enough, pretty enough, special enough.  Who you are, not what you do.)

Being the person who actually gets to make the world function properly, who gets to make good things happen to good people and, particularly, bad things happen to bad people?  Well that definitely makes you special.  Which Veth is, now.  For the first time ever.

She is and has ever been a tiny ball of impulse and emotion and reaction and terror and fear, and that sends every other thing on this list into overload.

It’s quite possible that she wants to be Essek’s friend, that she doesn’t want to put him on the list to punish.  But bad things have to happen to bad people.  They have to.  That’s the only way the world makes sense.  A world without that basic karmic law is just a whirling cataclysm of disorder, without anything to grab onto or trust, a place where nobody can trust in anything good at all.  So Essek has to be punished.  He has to be on the list.  He can be last.

(“We’ll be last,” says Caduceus, who fundamentally doesn’t believe in good people or bad people in the first place.  If everybody who does anything bad is punished then that means everybody who draws breath.  And Veth doesn’t say anything, because the M9 have to be the good guys.  They saved the world.  They have reasons for the bad things they do.  That has to make them good people.  Saving the world is absolutely a Good Person thing to do. And if that’s not enough to make them Good People, then--what would be?  If they aren’t Good People, who on Exandria is?  They have to be Good, or the whole system falls apart. And what would Veth have to cling to then?)

#critical role #cr spoilers #driveby meta attack #so maybe this is just the version of this post I'm actually going to post #somehow this is the MORE coherent version? #idek man

[malachi-walker]

Catra and the Performative Nature of Villainy and Abuse Survival

(Yeah, with a title like that you can tell I earned that English lit masters. -.-)

Ok, so I have a lot of She-ra meta bouncing around my skull I need to get to one day, but let’s start with the big one post s4: the psychological and symbolic implications that are made explicit in DT’s epic call out of Catra (please note that I specified “made explicit” not revealed, because a lot of the stuff I wanna talk about was already there if you knew where to look.)

1. Catra’s villainy is inherently performative.

Yeah, pretty obvious but I’m going somewhere with this. If you pay close attention to Catra throughout the series, her words (the stuff on the surface) and her underlying actions don’t match up. Not entirely. No tsundere jokes, please, because it ultimately leads back to a very common pattern among abuse victims and some very interesting implications for Catra herself.

Basically it’s not horribly uncommon for abuse victims, especially those in domestic or child abuse situations, to end up performing on multiple levels. Level one: performing for the abuser in the hopes that this will minimize or stop the abuse. (Check.) Level two: performing for loved ones so as not to either worry them or risk them leaving if the abuse becomes obvious.

Oh, double check.

And lastly, Level Three: the act of performing as a method of keeping people on the outside away from you, either out of fear of more pain or fear of further judgment, which is a huge bulk of what we see Catra spiralling through this entire series.

Like, I myself was a child abuse victim for the first twelve years of my life (I’m fine now after about a decade of therapy) and I operated on all these different levels; alternating between placating my abuser to avoid punishment or rebelling to take back some form of control, deflecting from my other loved ones so as not to worry them, and being absolutely resistant to outside forces coming in, because at that point I had so little control over my life that I was more comfortable with embracing the hell I knew as a way to give myself some measure of control and stability than have someone save me from that situation but take that control away from me. Fucked up, but true. Which brings me into my second point:

2. Words have no inherent value for Catra except as weapons.

Which again, makes perfect sense considering her upbringing. Unlike Adora, Catra never had the luxury of buying into the Horde propaganda. She knew they hurt innocent people because she’d already been enduring torture from the time she was a small child–as other people have pointed out before. Moreover, she grew up in an environment that treated words with varying levels of consistency, where Shadow Weaver can praise Adora for doing one thing and then mercilessly put down Catra for doing the exact same thing equally.

This not only teaches someone about lying, this teaches someone that words are weapons, and Catra took that lesson and ran with it. Even when she and Adora were on good terms, she would still lightly drag her or put her down, but I don’t think it was from any inherent malice at that point. Good example: in episode one she’s perfectly content to mock Adora while she’s stuck in the pit, but immediately after she reached down and helped pull her out. “Actions speak louder than words” is an old clichè, but it’s super important to keep in mind when analyzing Catra’s character. Out of all the characters on Spop, she is the last one who can be analyzed from surface words alone, because so much of it is an act.

In fact, I can think of probably only one instance in which Catra did actually wholeheartedly believe in words…

Yeah, y'all know what I’m talking about.

And again, that makes perfect sense. Because Adora wasn’t just Catra’s best friend, she was explicitly her lifeline. Shadow Weaver’s exact words to little Catra were: “I’ve kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you. But if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself.” On top of that, the other cadets show clear signs of having sensed the blood in the water, so to speak: it’s an open secret to everyone but Adora that Shadow Weaver hates Catra’s guts, and therefore it stands to reason that in a cutthroat culture like the Horde’s, Catra was probably seen as easy prey until she learned to defend herself. Because it wasn’t like Shadow Weaver would do anything about it.

So Adora was the only person Catra could count on, but that also leads into the double edged aspect of words I’ve been talking about: Catra could let herself believe in their promise, but not enough to actually reveal to her what was going on. In the same way Shadow Weaver lightens up on the abuse when Adora’s around (just compare her use of lightning on Catra in Promise vs the Sword pt 2–the former is very subdued and looks almost like a simple hold, while the latter makes it very obvious this is painful torture) Catra deflects away from the subject around Adora, and the few times she does approach it “Why does she hate me so much” she tends not to get the reassurance she wants because Adora isn’t as clued in on the situation.

I mean, it’s pretty telling that Catra’s first leap off the slippery slope after being more of a nuisance than anything else up to that point came after Light Hope deliberately pushed her buttons by basically taunting her with the one thing that Catra had ever allowed herself to believe in.

I mean, her younger self looks at her as if to drive in the point of “you were a fool to believe in it!” After what we found out in S4, you cannot make me believe that wasn’t Light Hope deliberately twisting the knife to make sure they didn’t reconcile. And immediately after Catra pitches Adora off a cliff. Good times.

Ok, that was a big fucking lead in to my main point, but here we are:

3. Pretty much everything Catra says from that point onward is an act.

And it’s an obvious one, all things considered. Because that’s when Catra gets vicious. That’s when all her verbal barbs start cutting deep. That’s when combat between her and Adora goes from almost playful to outright brutal. And that’s when we start seeing Catra using her words as weapons against herself in addition to everyone else.

Because that’s the point when Catra starts feeding into her constructed persona of being this smug, confident, in-control villain who most definitely isn’t capable of being hurt like that ever again, no siree. We get to see several times across s4 in particular where her feelings clearly aren’t in line with her actions, and what does she do? She forces herself to say something cruel or hard-hearted as a way to essentially drag her actions and internal feelings back into line with that constructed person. Good example is the locker room scene with the Horde Trio: Catra very clearly wants to reach out to them and experience a little of their camaraderie, but she forces herself back into “I’m the boss” mode. And when it’s misinterpreted as her simply being a bitch, she goes into a rage because it’s one thing for her to want to reach out and deny herself that, but another for someone else to try to force their way in.

And all of this ties back into my main point, and why I think DT’s speech is particularly brilliant from a symbolic and psychological standpoint.

Actor vs Actor: Fight!

I’ve already established that Catra is somebody who is a performer and has been all her life in order to survive. That’s part of why Catra is such a tough nut to crack in terms of getting through to her: it’s hard to make accurate hits on someone who is putting on a persona. It’s damn near impossible to get a point through when you don’t have a clear idea of what you should be aiming at in the first place. So how do you beat a consummate actor?

You bring in a better performer.

Now, I do have my problems with DT’s speech: as others have pointed out, tossing Shadow Weaver and Hordak into the guilt trip is severely messed up and victim-blamey, though I do believe that has more to do with the fact that DT themself is not omniscient and therefore doesn’t have all the facts there (though given their sadistic streak, I’m also not sure they wouldn’t still cross that line even if they did know.)

But here’s what made that scene rock me to my fucking core: Catra almost pulled it off. Think about it: she has spent three seasons up until that point convincing her former friends, allies, boss and even the viewers–remember the post Portal moral panic–that she was this completely villainous monster. That she didn’t care, that she wasn’t worth saving, that everything she does is ultimately self-serving and terrible… Only for DT to see right through the disguise.

Adora couldn’t get through to Catra when she couldn’t even pinpoint the real problem. Scorpia couldn’t get through because by that point the defenses were fully up and Catra was going all in on her mask of villainy.

What finally got through? Being outclassed by a much better actor. By someone who is both a world class actor but also in touch enough with their own personality and wants that they don’t interfere with their own performance.

Because that’s the difference between DT and Catra: for Catra, acting the villain has been a matter of psychological survival up until that point. DT, meanwhile, acts for fun, work, and a certain level of sadistic pleasure. They have no moral dilemmas about what they do and thus they experience zero cognitive dissonance, whereas Catra may as well be the poster child. And it’s not too much of a stretch to think that once they figured out Catra’s deal, they probably found it quite amusing to completely demolish the act that had practically everyone else on the planet completely fooled.

That’s also part of the reason why Catra was so suicidal and lifeless after: the crutch she’d been using just to keep herself upright for four seasons just got yanked out from under her along with all chances of ever getting to double back down on that villainy again. Nowhere to go, and not even a mask to hide behind any more.

And honestly, I could keep talking on and on about just… The amazing amount of narrative complexity and precision and psychological depth that went into pulling this moment off. It’s amazing. But I’ve also spent like two and a half hours working on this post, so that’s that. If you read this far, get yourself a cookie or the snack of your choice. You earned it.

#spop #spop spoilers #catra #double trouble #spop meta #my meta #child abuse #and probably #ptsd #if we're being honest #abuse survival psychology

[topcatnikki]

Okay so I wanna talk about the Phat High School flashbacks. I wanna talk about continuity and I wanna talk about Prans insane amount of self-worth issues when it comes to his narration because Holy Crap balls there's a lot to unpack. And because @ablazenqueen has enabled my rambling :')

Genuinely I think Phat has felt this way about Pran for a long time. He didn’t know it because hindsight is 20/20, but I think he’s been subconsciously telegraphing his intent from the very very beginning. I’m also gonna just put this out there, half of all the bullcrap is Pran fault because he’s trying so so hard to live to the expectations of his family that he consistently and neverendingly pushes Phat away until it’s absolutely necessary to talk to him, or interact with him. Phat is already on board to be around Pran in the HS days, it’s Pran and always Pran who pushes for distance.

So the first flashback we get is of Pran being put into the band as the vocalist.

In the moment we see Pran giving Phat a look like he’s beaten him, like he’s won something. He looks so proud of himself *istg* it’s adorable. And then we cut to Phat. And Phat doesn’t look annoyed, he doesn’t look pissed that he has to work with his ~~boyfriend~~ mortal enemy. Nope. Phat has a tiny smile on his face and is watching Pran for the reaction.

And then we get the chaos of the actual show. Of Pran’s parents turning up and the fallout after with their bandmembers.

Until ep5 I spent like 90% of this scene always watching Pran, but after ep5 and everything about the gd song I rewatched and like… my dudes Phat is fucking blushy and adorable in this scene? Like he’s watching Pran play and can’t keep his eyes on him because he’s like half embarrassed because on some level he knows what Pran is telling him and he’s stupidly happy?

In the fallout of the gig we have Pran mother looking like she’s gonna shiv someone, Pran’s dad consistently looking horribly uncomfortable about everything that exists on the planet, and Phat being blamed for everything. Even in the present he blames himself for it, even though Pran was assigned the role to play in the band and either one of them could have chosen to bow out of it, yet Phat blames himself for all of it because…? He wants to take the weight. He wants to take the blame and the baggage for it so that he can be in the same boat as Pran, so Pran isn’t the only one punished for the truly outrageous concept of not hating the love of your life because your parents said so.

~~I have so much to say about this scene but it’s a meta in itself so later maybe~~

Then we have Pran remembering the Pick™.

Now this one is excellent. 11/10 content for their first interaction in the band together, cuz like cut to the next memory and they’re hanging out and writing songs and flirting so – how did they get to that? They got there because Phat is an asshole who absolutely *wants* to be there beside Pran. When he walks in Pran is so uncomfty™ that he doesn’t even wanna talk to Phat, he shrugs him off and shifts position so much in this moment and he’s visibly uncomfortable and 11/10 for the body language there Nanon ur killing it bae. And Phat gives him his first gift ~~which is a whole other meta in itself because heck Phat wants to love and protect and serve his beloved end me~~ and makes Pran the Pick™. Like during this scene Phat is so happy? He’s so happy to talk to Pran and have an excuse to hang out, and to help Pran and I like have mini meltdowns watching it.

And our last HS flashback is the writing.

Phat claiming to own 50% of the thing they’re creating together and basically signing his sodding marriage license because I love this big dumbdumb and protecc the idiot who spends literally years just looking at Pran like *that*™

And Pran is separate again, he’s away from Phat. He puts himself in a position where his back is to him and he’s focusing on the notepad to write, and Phat pulls him in, drags him into acknowledging him by stealing the notepad and basically throwing down the gauntlet to say ‘I trust you on it, I’ll even put my name on it because I support you and know you’re amazing.’ ~~also pls marry me ilu here’s my credit card and blood type can we look for auspicious dates yet?~~

Phat has always pushed for Pran. He’s always reached for him and tried to scale the walls Pran puts between them. He wheedles, he whines, he flirts and touches. He pushes himself into Pran’s sphere and tries to keep within it even when Pran consistently throws him out of it. He tries to make light and keep things fun so much of the time because he knows that Pran is always over analysing and overthinking everything. He engineers scenarios where they can be close, he pulls to Pran so much that Pran never really stood a chance.

I was thinking about ep5. I was thinking about guitars snuck into rooms and secreted away for three years without being found by Phat’s parents and fricking burned to ash. I was thinking about Pha’s speech about knowing if someone likes you and I was thinking.

What if Phat isn’t analysing his own reactions, but Pran’s in the moments in the music shop. He’s watching and waiting and trying to see how Pran reacts to him and he finds nothing in these moments and he runs. He runs because he’s disappointed, he runs because he’s scared he’s alone in it when they’ve always been in it together. He runs because he doesn’t know to bridge this last distance and just ask.

Phat isn’t ever really unsure.

Phat is intelligent and shrewd and he – like Pran – fills the roles expected of him.

He listens to his parents, he’s playful and sweet and honest with his lil sis. He drinks and fights with his friends.

But he doesn’t have a script for the interactions after the music shop. He’s unsteady and unsure and uncomfortable and he starts to spiral the moment he’s misaligned. All of this because Pran has never not shown these signs before, they’re been trundling along together and they have their roles and they know the scripts but something changed and Phat doesn’t know what.

~~obvs we know it was his apparently suicidal urge to say he liked Ing and then immediately start listing reasons why Pran should like him, thus breaking his heart but again hindsight is 20/20~~

So the timeline is jacked right? We get to see it out of order. We see Pran being assigned and the fallout, and then their interactions inbetween afterwards.

This is why Pran looks so fucking guilty when his parents show up – He didn’t just join the band (by request of their teacher which I mean come on they were assigned a task by their teacher man, they gotta do it) he joined the band, was won over by a guy who’s actively spending time to be there and show he’s in it too and that he wants to change the dynamic. That Pran has actively been engaging and joining in on this and has, sorry to say, fallen for the idiot who can’t stop pushing them together.

Like. Come on. How can Pran’s parents even hold him accountable for being in a school band unless there’s more? Unless Pran has been changing and acting differently and idk like… texting a cute across the street and hiding it? Or something more? ~~legit I want them to already have kissed and the rooftop being them just fucking giving in to it again and Pran leaving because of what it cost them the last time, but idk if that could even be a thing~~

When they discover they’ve been pushed together again what’s Phat’s MO?

He chases, again. He follows Pran around like a lost puppy and puts himself back into proximity in the hopes of getting anything.

And Pran? Pran lets him. AGAIN.

He puts up perfunctory resistance and sticks to their ‘no public interactions’ but that was set down by Phat when they were freaking babies jfc. He whines and tells Phat to leave and fights and flirts and oh wait is that a pattern emerging oh goodness…. :’)

The only times Pran changes his behaviour is when they’re under scrutiny. Only when the screaming reality of their situations is slapped in his face does he stop and change. He’s sat in ep1 saying ‘Okay it’ll be fine we fought it out it’s over’ and Phat’s response kick it in his face.

He’s hiding under the bed when Phats Dad comes in to fucking wreck everything and remind him why its a terrible idea to be close to Phat.

He’s hanging out with Phat and flirting and racing when the consequences of their actions come to kick him in the face and their friends ruin everything.

The consequences are always the thing that will hold Pran back.

#Bad buddy #bad buddy series #patpran #because bad buddy is eating my brain #i'm crying

[thewebcomicsreview]

Hey, it’s Hamsteak 2! The last double update month since they fell below 2000 patrons.

Previously, on Homestuck, Jane blew up John’s home, and he’s been stuck there.

For a second I thought this was inexplicably John’s dad back from the dead, but I presume it’s Solid Karkat

Post Theme:

Yep, there we go. The red outline on the eyepatch is a bit much, but otherwise it’s a solid post-apocalypse outfit. Also one with no Cancer symbol, so if Kanaya’s new outfit not having the Virgo and Vrissy not having a Scorpio didn’t confirm it already, looks like Candyland trolls don’t use signs anymore (even though Meat Karkat still does). 

KARKAT: ROUGH DAY, HUH.

Nice subtle reference. I’m reading this in David Hayter’s voice.

The hard transition from that hero shot back to the standard sprites is great, and I think one of the few times either Homestuck has actually been funny with its multiple art styles.

JOHN: i guess i'm used to thinking of home as somewhere far away from all that war stuff.

KARKAT: JESUS *CHRIST* JOHN.

KARKAT: I CANNOT EVEN BEGIN TO LIST ALL THE WAYS IN WHICH THAT CONSTITUTES A SHORT-SIGHTED AND PUKE-WORTHILY IGNORANT THING TO SAY TO ME, PERSONALLY.

I gotta admit, I was kind of hoping that Karkat would just straight-up be Big Boss now and not even vaguely resemble his HS1 self. 

KARKAT: NOT WANTING TO POINT OUT THE OBVIOUS, BUT I FEEL LIKE THIS WAS A PROBLEM THAT YOU OF ALL PEOPLE WERE UNIQUELY AND MAGICALLY EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH. JOHN: huh? KARKAT: YOU KNOW. KARKAT: WITH YOUR SHOOSH THING. JOHN: my shoosh thing. KARKAT: YOUR SHOOSH THING. KARKAT: THE GUSTY NONSENSE? THE GIFT OF GAS?? KARKAT: YOUR SBURB ALLOCATED BLOW JOB???

Karkat speaks on behalf of the forums asking why John didn’t just put out the fire. Apparently John didn’t think of it. Which, in fairness, John’s kind of slow.

KARKAT: OH BOY. WHERE TO START.

KARKAT: SO FIRST OFF, IN HINDSIGHT, TODAY WAS PRETTY OBVIOUSLY JUST ONE HUGE BAITED TRAP.

KARKAT: I SAY "IN HINDSIGHT", BUT FORTUNATELY IT WAS ALSO EXTREMELY APPARENT EVEN IN FORESIGHT TO THOSE OF US WHO SPENT A FEW SECONDS THINKING ABOUT IT.

JOHN: ...right.

KARKAT: OH COME ON EGBERT, SERIOUSLY?KARKAT: KIDNAPPING A PERSON OF IMPORTANCE, ONLY TO LET US KNOW PRECISELY WHERE AND ON WHAT OCCASION THEY WOULD BE MOST ACCESSIBLE FOR A RESCUE ATTEMPT?

KARKAT: HAVING THAT OCCASION BE NONE OTHER THAN THE CORPSE PARTY OF A HIGHLY NOTEWORTHY POLITICAL FIGURE, WHOSE CASKET MIGHT AS WELL HAVE HAD A GIANT "KICK ME" SIGN DAUBED ON IT?

KARKAT: THERE WAS BASICALLY NO WAY IT WASN'T A FRONT FOR SOMETHING HUGE. AND IT WAS!

Oh boy.

So, there’s a little bit of a meta “Ha ha, you thought Jane’s nonsense plan was us being bad writers but it actually made sense!” going on here, but if Homestuck 2 is going to have Gamzee’s corpse randomly teleport into a closet and explain it behind a patreon paywall or have two NPCs with silly names that are subtle Easter eggs paired with an NPC who’s silly name is just a silly name and the joke’s on you for trying to figure it out, you can’t then turn around and dunk on your audience for not thinking enough about what’s happening in the story. I’ve tried thinking about Homestuck 2 and making predictions, and I’ve repeatedly been punished for it with sloppy nonsense non-answers. You can’t make fun of the readership for not analyzing the events of your story when half the fucking thesis statement of your story is dunking on the kind of reader who likes to analyze stuff! You’ve trained me not to think critically about Homestuck 2, and if this is an attempt to try to retrain me then fine but you can’t be surprised this happened. If your story doesn’t make sense and someone strange happens, people will just repeat to themselves “It’s just a show, I should really just relax”.

KARKAT: THE VRISKAS, PLURAL.

JOHN: shit.

KARKAT: THEY'VE BOTH BEEN CAPTURED.

JOHN: shiiiiiiiit.

On the one hand, it’s deeply hilarious and cosmically fitting that Vriska’s “Walk into the trap on purpose so as to heroically fight our way out of it” plan failed. One the other hand, how did a handful of human mooks defeat Vriska, who is on the same power level as Bec Noir? 

KARKAT: YOU LITERALLY HAD ONLY ONE JOB, AND YOU MESSED IT UP IN THE EQUALLY SINGULAR WAY IT WAS POSSIBLE TO DO.

JOHN: urgh, i know, i know. ):

(Also John FYI you have a son somewhere you really ought to be more concerned about right now)

JOHN: doesn't vriska, the original vriska, still have her magic alien mind control powers?

JOHN: it seems like it should be basically impossible for anyone to kidnap her.

Okay, fine, you’re addressing this and it’s a mystery I’m supposed to speculate over. Cool. If Homestuck 2 is making a concerted effort to present mysteries and then answer them instead of just being nonsense, that’s a change in direction I welcome.

JOHN: no offense, but when you're around, it's usually a lot...

KARKAT: A LOT WHAT?

JOHN: a lot funnier.

KARKAT: FUNNIER.

JOHN: how to put this.

JOHN: normally listening to you go on and on about how much we've fucked everything up is just very funny!

JOHN: but now it's just not the same.

JOHN: maybe it's part of what's going on with this entire reality? i don't know.

Christ, this comic is so fucking meta. 

KARKAT: I APPRECIATE THAT YOU SEEM TO HAVE DUG YOUR PAN OUT OF YOUR OWN CHUTE THE FEW MICROMETERS NECESSARY TO NOTICE THE PRECISE DEGREE TO WHICH THE WORLD IS BEING JUDICIOUSLY BATFUCKED RIGHT NOW.

KARKAT: AS HARD AS IT IS TO BELIEVE, THAT'S A FEAT WHICH NO SMALL NUMBER OF PEOPLE ARE COMPLETELY INCAPABLE OF DOING!

KARKAT: BUT NOTICING THE PROBLEM AND MAKING MEANINGFUL PROGRESS TOWARDS SOLVING IT ARE TWO COMPLETELY DIFFERENT THINGS.

KARKAT: THE NEXT TIME YOU GET THE IMPULSE TO "LEND A HAND", YOU'D BE BETTER OFF CANNING IT FOR FIVE MINUTES AND LISTENING TO THOSE OF US WHO'VE BEEN TRYING TO SOLVE IT A LOT LONGER THAN YOU HAVE.

KARKAT: THIS ISN'T AN EXERCISE BEING CONDUCTED IN ORDER FOR YOU TO PROVE YOUR PERSONAL DEGREE OF MORAL RECTITUDE.

KARKAT: AND IF IT WAS, YOU WOULD HAVE ALREADY FAILED MISERABLY! SO DO YOURSELF AND EVERYONE ELSE A FAVOR AND STOP TREATING IT LIKE ONE.

DO YOU GET IT. IT’S ABOUT CAPITALISM. KARKAT IS A PORTLAND PROTESTER AND JOHN IS A WHITE LIBERAL. I HOPE YOU UNDERSTOOD THAT AND I WASN’T BEING TOO SUBTLE.

Anyway, long story short everyone told Karkat about Yiffy but neglected to mention that Dave was presumed KIA. That was rather rude of them.

#Homestuck 2 #Homestuck 2 Liveblog

[windstormwielding]

How did you come up with Kotaro's zanpakuto? (i really love the bird theme of his attacks!) did you go through a lot of changes when coming up with names, abilities, and the general concept?

{ ooc } bUCKLE UP KIDDOS ‘CAUSE IT’S TIME FOR SOME LONG OVERDUE GODDAMNED KŌTA META-

Kōta’s zanpakutō was essentially conceived out of my own love for great big storms and heavy winds – and yes, I have a story to go with that! On one occasion many years ago, I hopped on a bus to visit a friend in town, but I was ill-prepared in that it was about to rain heavily and I had jack shit but a jacket. No raincoat and not even an umbrella. I thought I would make it there on time, buuuuut evidently, I did not. It already started raining and thundering hard by the time I walked out of the bus and had to walk a few blocks by myself.

And honestly, Plouton, looking back? I would not have changed a single little detail that day. Those several minutes I spent outside at the mercy of a live thunderstorm left such a huge impression on me! The incessant rain keeping me tethered to the ground, the sheer volume of deafening thunder cracking so hard and so loudly that the air around me quaked... pair that with times I’ve enjoyed feeling myself at the mercy of heavy winds, or even the smell of the outside after rain falls...

...pretty much all of that served as the biggest source of inspiration behind the wind and storm-oriented zanpakutō, and I wanted Kōta to embody that himself.

Besides, aside from Senna herself in Memories of Nobody, the Gotei 13 lacked a dedicated air-manipulating shinigami barring Kensei’s unique take on the topic with Tachikaze, and we’ve only seen antagonists use this power (Dordoni of the Arrancar within the main story, Kariya if you want to go filler with the Bounts... whom I’ve honestly forgotten about prior to creating Kōta WHOOPS) in the traditional sense. Not to mention, air as an element is SUPER malleable and there’s so much you can do with it if you get creative?? So, given we’ve got some real powerful element-leaning shinigami already with water (lbr Kaien would’ve been a beast had he not been nixed), fire (Yama), snow (Tosh), and electricity (Sasakibe), why not keep adding to the idea?

With that, we’ve got the main concept locked down. Powers and general theme? Check. Bird-like zanpakutō spirit? Check. Defined attacks? ...noooooot quite there yet—in fact, those were a fairly late addition well after the blog reboot. As for what led to it, this never took off since the other mun blipped on an indefinite hiatus, but our thread would have likely turned into a fight thread between our muses and uh...

...yeah, I realized named techniques are kind of an important thing to have, especially when writing within the context of an action-oriented series like Bleach. It wasn’t just about the cool factor, but having a readily available kit for reference (for myself, my writing partners, and folks reading in) was a must, not to mention it helped better define just what his main friggin’ weapon is capable of like those of most of the existing cast. In case a fight thread does come around in the future, it’d be an ideal thing to have ready to go and bring him further up to par with other fighters!

Just like that, I subjected myself to extra homework. Coming up with the moves themselves came to me simply enough, in seeing how air was played with in other media I was familiar with (key ones being Sonic the Hedgehog, The Legend of Zelda, and Avatar: The Last Airbender) and fashioning some of my own spins on top of some original ideas. I knew I wanted to lean hard on the bird motif since his zan spirit is a tengu, and given the wide variety of things the element of air/wind can do, I thought to make full connections between the two by theming each special move after certain species of bird! Creating those moves and naming them were the easy parts.

Naming them, that is, in English. Naming them all in Japanese was, by far, the hardest part. Why? Parce que je ne suis pas japonais, et aussi parce que je ne parle pas la langue, you see. On top of language barriers, the Japanese tongue operates on a whole other set of rules, compared to the Latin/Germanic-based ones I’ve grown used to with English, French, and (at one point) German. I did take some Japanese classes as an elective back in university, but that was only in first year – my own understanding, as a result, was threadbare and surface level at best, so that was not going to get me anywhere. I did not want to half-ass it with romaji and I love Bleach too much to not want to do these ideas justice.

I am a stickler when it comes to detail and canon-compliance, so getting the naming right by abiding to the proper conventions as best as I possibly could became my topmost priority. Google Translate was not going to fly because lord knows it’s no good without proper context between wholly different languages in English and Japanese, and it only gets wilder once you throw Chinese into the mix, given I’m supposed to use kanji. Thus, the name of the game here turned out to be “reverse engineering,” and I had to go in accepting I probably wasn’t going to get it 100% right the first time.

“What rules do zanpakutō names and special attack names follow?” “How do I apply on- or kun-reading in spelling out a group of certain kanji?” “Where are the common denominators in those rules that I can identify?” “Which language conventions have I already picked up from watching god knows how much anime over the years that I can replicate?” “Which set of words best conveys this particular English word that has no direct Japanese translation?” “How does [x] roll off the tongue? Does it sound right and fluid enough, or does it still feel super stilted and weird?” It was a loooooooot of this until I was finally satisfied with each individual end result!

Tl;dr: Jisho.org and Wikipedia were godsends during this whole process. I also want to thank @tigrextoque who gave me some helpful pointers after the fact!

ALSO... the ones on the Battle Info page aren’t even all of the ones I’ve thought about. Because I’m a glutton for punishment apparently, I purposely went and submitted a request for a certain ask meme on an ask meme source blog, JUST so I could play around with more ideas that came or would come to mind. This time, however, it was through the form of COMBINATION ATTACKS (which, by virtue alone, are honestly peak awesomeness). Those that implicated other shinigami got new bird motifs to meld the aesthetics of both muses, while I did get a couple of Quincy ones (with their referenced attacks actually using romaji as a base! Whoo-hoo for saving me the effort!) as a bonus to mix things up!

I’ll link them all right here (and later on the Battle Info page) for your convenience:

Noboru no mai, Shiro Fukurō (騰の舞・白梟, Rising Dance, Snowy Owl), with Rukia Kuchiki

Ahōdori Kyōka: Flying Battery (群烏強化: フライング バッテリー, Albatross Strengthening: Flying Battery) with Bambietta Basterbine

Muragarasu Kyōka: Galvano Volley (群烏強化: ガルヴァノ ボレー, Flock of Crows Strengthening: Galvano Volley), plus upgraded variant Muragarasu Kyōka: Galvano Storm (群烏強化: ガルヴァノ ストーム, Flock of Crows Strengthening: Galvano Storm), with Candice Catnipp

Hagetaka Rinbu (禿鷹輪舞, Vulture Round Dance) with Rangiku Matsumoto

Senkō-fū: Kitsutsuki (穿孔風: 啄木鳥, Drilling Wind: Woodpecker) with Nemu Kurotsuchi

Gyaku-fū Fūsa: Benizuru (逆風封鎖: 紅鶴, Headwind Blockade: Flamingo) with Byakuya Kuchiki

Hikuidori Hinshō (火食鳥 頻傷, Cassowary Frequent Cuts) with Ueno Chie​

Yes, “Flying Battery” was a deliberately written Sonic the Hedgehog reference. No, I will never apologize for that.

...might I reblog that meme again in the future though...?

...probably not right away.

So, uh... Plou, I should probably apologize for giving you a lot more than you likely bargained for, but hey, I just didn’t want to leave any stone unturned! Thank you so much for sending me your three questions, I enjoyed writing these little deep dives into my Bleach OC, and thanks for taking interest in Kōta! I hope all of my responses have been both enlightening and to your satisfaction.

#deivorous #{ i’m falling free in the wind ☁ headcanon ☁ } #{ cut for length } #{ whispers in the wind ☁ replies ☁ } #{ beyond the sky ☁ ooc ☁ } #{ ooc: we hope to return to our regular programming tomorrow-! } #{ i just could not focus much until i answered all of these hahahaha- }

[rachello344]

My Final Supernatural Meta

I’ve been reading quite a bit of meta the last few days (thank you, @castielflipsmypancake) but I haven’t seen anyone talking specifically about Don’t Call Me Shurley (11.20).  Full disclosure, I dropped Supernatural after season 10 (because they killed Death), and I’m only just now going back through a highlights reel of sorts.

So I watched 11.20 for the first time AFTER the penultimate episode, and I think everyone would be well-served by watching that one again.  To recap, this is the episode where Chuck and Metatron chat about writing the autobiography and Chuck’s philosophy and everything else.  Chuck intervenes for the first time in millennia, etc.

So moving ahead really quick, the thing that bothered me the most about the penultimate episode was that...  if God is all knowing and all powerful...  There isn’t actually a way to defeat him.  There can’t be.  I’ve been wondering how they’d dig their way out of that hole for MONTHS now.

And then, tonight, I watched 11.20.  And now?  I kind of get it.

I think Chuck set the dominoes up and let the Winchesters do what they always do: save the day.  I think Chuck wanted to retire.  And I think these last two episodes were his goal the whole time.  (Bearing in mind that I have no idea what the finale has in store for us.)

Now, let me be clear.  I don’t want to discount the free will aspect.  I think free will is a given.  But I think that Chuck made arrangements.  I think it shows how well he knew his characters in the end.

We hear in 11.20 that Lucifer and Cas are some of Chuck’s favorite angels.  And we hear this from Metatron who is playing the role of Chuck’s most trusted confidante.  The ending we watch Metatron read, the ending that Chuck “thinks he’ll like,” it makes Metatron look sad.  Heartbroken.  Metatron, who loves Chuck more than anyone or anything else, looks up with heartbreak at a Chuck who is singing a song that includes lines like “Fare thee well,” and “And one day the day will come / you’ll call my name and I’ll be gone.”

Come on.  Come on.  A goodbye song?  Really?  And I’m meant to believe Chuck wasn’t hoping to be made human by the Winchesters?  I’m meant to believe that Chuck was overlooking one of his favorite angels?  No, I don’t buy that anymore.  I think he set up the dominoes and then got into character.  He became the villain so that the Winchesters could stop him and free themselves.

I think he wanted to see what they would try, and see what they could accomplish when all the chips were down.  I think he knew that Cas would galvanize them.  I think he knew that Cas’s love for Dean would be enough to save him, and, in the end, save Chuck.  Cas’s belief that Dean is fundamentally good and loving is what finally breaks Dean from his hate and his anger.

If Cas doesn’t make his sacrifice and confession (sacrifession?), Dean kills Chuck.  But with Cas’s love, Dean is able to choose something else.  Living and dying in obscurity.  Human.

Is being human a bad thing, all of a sudden?  That isn’t the narrative we’ve been shown.  Metatron gives a whole speech about how incredible humanity is.  Chuck’s longest chapter of his first draft of the autobiography is about the things he did when he was human.

How is it that Chuck becoming human is a punishment, but Cas becoming human would be a reward?  Is it a good thing to be human, or a bad thing?  How am I supposed to believe that the Chuck who was so happy about his stupid cat blog wouldn’t love being a human?  And properly this time?  Being allowed to learn things instead of just giving himself the ability?  Loving and being loved, truly living?  Isn’t that what being human is all about?  Isn’t that was Supernatural has spent the last several seasons reminding us?

Also, I’ve been holding onto an earlier line from Supernatural for a long time, something that’s bothered me ever since we reached this point.  Ever since Chuck was THE GOD and not simply A god.  Death told Dean that one day, he would reap God.  How could that be possible with this God, unless he were made human first?  As it stands, Death now WILL come for Chuck.  Plain old, nothing special, entirely human Chuck Shurley.  It might even be simply old age.  But Chuck IS wholly mortal now.  And maybe Death always knew that something like this would eventually come to pass?

(If nothing else, it comforts me.  That line was always one I loved, so to have it so blatantly ignored bothered me.  But this way?  This way, they can still keep that line true AND power Chuck up to “created everything” levels.  Did they mean to do this?  Probably not, but I’m glad that they did anyway.)

So, look, was the penultimate episode a good one?  No.  It was fine.  But it wasn’t exactly winning any awards.

But damn if it didn’t do something interesting.  And damn if I’m not excited for tomorrow.  I genuinely think they’re going to go all the way here, Destiel, the whole nine yards.

And hey!  If they fail, and they really and royally fuck it up, then they get to let me down one last time.  For old times’ sake.  And I’ll be nostalgically disappointed.  But maybe, just maybe, for once, they might actually get it right.

And maybe even on purpose this time, instead of by accident.  (It would take a miracle.)

#Supernatural #Supernatural Meta #Destiel #my meta #one last meta for the road #I can't believe the episode tomorrow is THE final episode #It's been a long time #and honestly #I'm glad they chose to end #I was so worried they'd get canceled in a bad place like so many shows before them #But they're gonna be able to end on their terms #I hope they make it a good one

[noonaduck]

In the eye of storm pt.2

Pairing: reader x Hoseok /OT7 Genre: Superhero &super villain AU, Smut, fluff, angst. series. Warnings:  angst, gore themes Words: 4055

Summary: You lived in a world where superhuman abilities were reality. Around 15% of world population went through a mutations in their mother’s womb that scientists weren’t able to explain. These people with supernatural abilities were called meta-humans. Some of meta people decided to serve the world as superheroes whose job was to keep everyone safe. Like every coin people gaining superpowers had its down side. Because there wasn’t choosing who would born with extraordinary abilities sometimes the powers ended up manifesting in wrong people. Those people used their abilities for their own gain and the counter force for the superheroes was born. A/N: At first I’m sorry for the wait. i have been lacking the motivation to write so that’s why publishing the second part took so long. I wanna give big shout out and thanks to my new beta @s0seo​ . I don’t know where I would be without her patience to fix my grammar mistakes and her suggestions on how the plot should proceed.

1. < 2. > 3. coming soon. 

[GIF belongs to it’s rightful owner ]

9 years ago in Scarlet City

Min Yoongi was proud to call himself super. Even though he hadn’t  gained his superhuman abilities through  a mutation like other super humans, he didn't mind.  His  father was one of the leading scientists in the field of gene research following the discovery of the first superhuman. Their home was filled with  articles detailing the accomplishments and crimes of these super humans. Many of them were decorated with scribbles from both yoongi as well as his father. You could say that he was obsessed in figuring out the secrets of supernatural abilities. That was the main reason that he had spent most of his time in his laboratory focusing on his work. Yoongi's mother died in a car crash when Yoongi was only two. Although Yoongi couldn’t remember much about his mother, he could  vaguely recall the comforting scent of her hair and how patient and kind she was always with him unlike his father. Following his mother’s funeral  Yoongi’s father buried himself even deeper into his work than he had before, and Yoongi found himself spending most of the time with his father in his cold, desolate  laboratory playing with empty test tubes and befriending the lab rats his father used for his experiments. Dr. Min looked like a real life mad scientist with his too big lab coat, messy black hair, and half moon glasses that he kept pushing up his crooked nose. He didn’t ignore his child on purpose; it was just that he was always so focused on his work that he sometimes forgot that he even had a son. The lack of other kids' presence in Yoongi's early years robbed him of any potential social skills and later caused him to become an outcast.  When Yoongi was old enough he was sent to one of the strictest boarding schools in the country. He was often punished harshly for insubordination and  was often misunderstood, because he struggled with expressing himself in ways that didn’t make him seem rude. He spent countless hours scrubbing dishes and mopping the halls as punishment. However,  kitchen duty had its own benefits, and it was through those countless hours that he learned how to make basic meals, and was able to sustain himself and his father during school holidays when he was sent back home.During his free time Yoongi often buried his head in his comic books and closely followed the news about his favorite  heroes while continuously finding himself wondering if he was one of them would his father finally notice him? Yoongi had always had mixed feelings towards his father. He wanted his father to see him as someone who was worthy of his love and attention. At the same time Yoongi found himself becoming more and more frustrated with his father. The only things he seemed to care about were the super  humans he was studying and the powers that they processed.

The city was covered in a heavy blanket of snow, and Yoongi tried desperately to make his way through the buzzing city. Christmas was already knocking on the door, and panicked shoppers were running around like headless chickens hunting for their last minute Christmas presents. As he got close to the large building, he felt a shoulder ram into him from the side almost causing him to drop the plastic bag which carried a christmas gift of his own. 

After glancing angrily towards the stranger only to find him already walking away with his phone glued to his ear, Yoongi  let out a heavy sigh and watched a cold puff of air escape from his lips. He didn’t know what had come over him when he had decided to visit his father while he was working. When Yoongi finally reached the wide glass two story building he  frowned and felt snow begin to fall from the sky. It was getting dark, and the only lights in the building were coming out from the second floor where he knew his father's laboratory was located. Yoongi knocked on the front glass doors and a few seconds later a security guard appeared from his booth to unlock the door for him.

‘’Merry Christmas Yoongi.’’ The familiar old mad man greeted him while flashing a toothy grin. ‘’Merry Christmas to you too.’’ Yoongi answered back, his lips in a straight line. He had always hated the holiday season. ‘’Is your father expecting you?’’ ‘’No. I bought him food.’’ Yoongi raised his arm holding his plastic bag to show the guard. ‘’Ah that's good. I don’t believe your father’s been eating enough. He didn’t even leave for his break.’’ ‘’I see.’’ Yoongi nodded as the guard stepped to the side. ‘’Say hi for your father from me.’’ ‘’Will do.’’ Yoongi nodded as he  headed towards the main hall and ascended the stairs leading to the second floor.  He  walked  quietly through the dimly lit hallway, stopping just outside of his father’s door. He hesitantly reached for the handle and released a deep breath before raising his  arm and knocking on the locked door. After a few minutes, and a bit more knocking, his father finally appeared in the doorway looking surprised to see his son standing in front of him.

‘’What are you doing here, shouldn’t you be at school?’’ Dr. Min asked, confused, his mind already returning to his current experiment. Yoongi looked at his father and took note of his disheveled state

“He looks like a mess’’, Yoongi thought to himself. The  stains on his shirt, his messy hair, and the bags under his eyes spoke volumes. Not to mention one of his lenses was missing from his glasses. ‘’Christmas is in two days.’’ He responded dully. ‘’Really? I didn’t even notice. Well, come in since you’re already here.’’ Dr. Min said, stepping away and letting his son in. Yoongi wasn’t surprised at how unorganized his father's workplace was. ‘’I bought you soup.’’ Yoongi told him reaching his arm out to hand the bag to his father. ‘’I see, thank you.’’ Mr. Min said, his mind elsewhere as he put  the bag down near a metal table. ‘’Follow me I want to show you something.’’  he called over his shoulder already walking away, his face, lighting up and his hand gesturing to Yoongi to follow. 

Mr. Min led Yoongi towards the tables where the cages containing the test animals were held. He saw a white rabbit with red eyes and three mice sleeping in the cage next to it. ‘’Animals. Why we are looking at your test subjects?’’ Yoongi asked his father with a raised eyebrow. I might have figured out a way to extract the DNA from one species, dissect it, and place it into another species to expand their traits. ‘’Seeing only confusion on his son’s face he continued. ‘’For example those three mice are paired with the DNA of snakes.  I’m waiting for results now. I hope that I’m able to implant the ability to produce venom for these small creatures’’ ‘’Don’t you think that what you are doing is unethical. We shouldn’t mess with nature?’’ Yoongi questioned. Despite all he has been through he had high morals.

‘’Don’t you see son?! If this works we can soon create real life hybrids! Human’s with reflex like a boa and sight like a hawk! With enough time we could even create super humans of our own. just think about it, no more worrying about being too slow or too weak, we could make ourselves gods"  Dr. Min’s face looked almost lunatic. ‘’Do the higher ups know what you are doing?’’ ‘’They wouldn’t understand! just think of the possibilities! I’m sure you understand after all you  know how much this means to me! Before Yoongi could respond, one of the mice woke up and started coughing up blood. Soon the other two started coughing up blood as well. Yoongi saw that one of them had already begun to bleed from its eyes. ‘’The mice are rejecting the combination of the dna chains!’’ dr. Min yelled and pulled at his his hair in panic. ‘’What I did wrong!’’ Yoongi took a few steps back and turned away ,barely managing to reach a bin before emptying his stomach. Dr. Min, not even noticing his son’s distress hurried to open the cage of  the now dead mice.Yoongi glanced towards the rabbit whose breathing had started to hitch, and in the spur of moment  pulled the cage door open and picked up the shaking animal. The next thing he knew, he was running down the hallway  holding the rabbit to his chest as he faintly heard his father yelling after him.. The only thought in his mind was saving  the rabbit from the same fate that the mice had experienced at his father’s hands. However, what Yoongi didn’t know was that the bunny had already received an injection of something that would change both of their  lives. ~

You knock on Yoongi’s bedroom door quietly and step in. Heavy black curtains are pulled in front of the long glass windows and only light in the room is coming from the slightly ajar door of the ensuite bathroom. You walk next to Yoongi’s double bed and look at him with worry covering your face. 

 Yoongi is moving restlessly in his sleep and sweating heavily. ‘’Yoongi wake up.’’ You shake Yoongi’s shoulder and he wakes up with a loud gasp, his hand reaching around your neck in reflex to defend himself. ‘’Yoongi it’s me.’’ You rasp as you feel the growing pressure on your neck. Yoongi’s gaze is wild and unfocused until his eyes finally make their way to  your face. ‘’Y/N! I’m so sorry.’’ Yoongi cries out letting go of your neck, and you see a mixture of  shock and guilt covering his face. 

‘’It’s okay. It was just a dream.’’ You tell him as you take a seat on the bed next to him and take his still raised hands into yours. ‘’I could’ve hurt you.’’ Yoongi whispers quietly with an ashamed voice. ‘’Please,I was never in real danger. If I thought I was you would be on the floor right now suffering from literal and metaphorical shock.’’ You assure him as you rub his hands gently and ask. ‘’Do you want to talk about your dream?’’ ‘’I don’t remember it anymore.’’ Yoongi says, looking into your eyes. Even though his face doesn’t expose anything, something in his voice makes you feel that he isn’t being honest, but you won’t push it. ‘’Okay then, we need you in the meeting room. Namjoon wants to go through today's plan one more time. ‘’ ‘’I will be there in a bit. Can you give me maybe like fifteen minutes to shower?’’ Yoongi asks and pulls his hands away from yours. ‘’Sure. Come downstairs whenever you’re ready.’’ You get up from Yoongi’s bed flashing him an assuring smile and exit his room closing the door quietly. Your home was a penthouse  located on the top two floors of one of the highest skyscrapers in the city. On the first floor was the kitchen, living room, one smaller bathroom, and Namjoon’s bedroom which sat next to a small home library (not by coincidence). The second floor was made of a balcony that opened over the living area granting clear view to the space. On the second floor were 4 other rooms, three of them being bedrooms in use paired with an ensuite bathroom in each and the fourth unused room had been turned into a gaming room. Even villains needed to let loose sometimes. You start walking down the stairs leading to the living room when you hear a door open behind you. ‘’Y/N wait!’’ Jimin hurries after you and stops you on the halfway point of the stairs. ‘’Yes?’’ You turn to look at him over your shoulder already prepared to hear bad news. ‘’Nothing, I just wanted to go to the meeting room with you.’’ Jimin grins and you roll your eyes in response. ‘’Let’s go then.’’ You say with a little sigh and lead Jimin towards a wall where a huge painting hangs. The painting wasn’t anything extraordinary. In fact the huge size of it was the only thing worthy of any attention. The picture was a abstract mix of red, blue and yellow lines and shapes.  You touch the right side of the painting gently and a small hatch slides out of the wall next to the picture and reveals a small keypad. You type  in the code, and the painting swings open like a door revealing the small hallway behind it containing three doors. On the left side of the hallway is a door that leads into the room where you keep your gear, your suits, weapons and other objects used for combat. On the right side of the hall is your practice room where you have  some basic gym equipment and a large area  to train your skills. You walk straight past the doors on both sides of the hallway and stop in front of the final door resting at the end of the hallway which leads to your meeting room.  You push the door open and are greeted by the familiar space. The walls of the room are cluttered with multiple monitors displaying data, police reports, diagrams and other classified information.. what pulls your attention though is the big round glass table placed right in the center of it.you look across the room to find the all too familiar half moon shaped work desk thankful that it's placed right across the entrance.This table has even more monitors than the wall and is  the place where Yoongi spends most of his free time. The table is faced towards the door so Yoongi can  see whoever enters the room.  However, this time it's not Yoongi who you spot behind the table. Namjoon is standing up and leaning over the work desk rapidly typing something into  the keyboard while mumbling to himself.  You sit in one of the( many chairs surrounding the round table, and Jimin takes a seat right next to you. Noticing that Namjoon is still unaware of your arrival, you raise your brows at Jimin in amusement , and  he puts his finger to his lips to signal you to keep quiet. A wicked grin  makes its way to his face but is quickly replaced with a focused frown and furrowed eyebrows. You watch as  the half empty water glass on the spot where Namjoon usually sits at the table makes its way towards Namjoon. You can hardly keep yourself from giggling when Jimin stops the glass in the air right above Namjoon and begins to tilt it forward. Just as  Jimin pours the glass of water on top of Namjoon's head Yoongi arrives, causing Namjoon to look up and  instead feel the liquid pour down his face. Yoongi only smirks, quietly amused from the sight and takes his seat next to Jimin. Namjoon’s shocked face is hilarious, and a burst of giggles escapes your lips followed by Jimin’s cheerful laugh. ‘’Jimin!’’ Namjoon grunts angrily and wipes his face on his hand. ‘’Are you twelve or something?’’ Instead of answering Jimin answers between his laugh. ‘’You should have seen your face. It's usually so hard to catch you off guard with your hearing and all, but  this is hilarious. The mighty RM completely misses me and Y/N entering the room and finally falls victim to a prank.’’ Jimin wipes his eyes, breathing  heavily. 

Namjoon sighs and shakes his head in annoyance. ‘’Well, since we’re all here, let's start our meeting.’’ He continues and comes to sit on the edge of  the table across from everyone. Your giggles dry, and your faces turn serious as you all straighten your posture. You knew when it was time to focus on the situation at hand, and although Jimin liked to play around; he did too. Yoongi continues sitting quietly in his seat  taps the glass table with his nails causing small clicking noises to erupt through the sudden silence. Namjoon clears his throat  and the meeting begins. ‘’Thanks to Yoongi we have gained information about the whereabouts of the key. An armored convoy escorted by the Big hit’s private agents will be arriving in our city on the tomorrow night. At first Yoongi and i tried figuring out how to break into the van, but then we figured out that the van is just a decoy.’’ ‘’Are you saying that we were going after a false lead again?’’ You ask frustrated and squeeze your hand into a fist  already feeling your temper rising. ‘’No, but we almost did.’’ It's the first time Yoongi speaks since  his arrival. ‘’The real key will be arriving to the city on the 8:15 pm train from Sunside City escorted by three agents dressed as civilians. Isn't that the same time as the decoy?’’ Namjoon points one of the bigger screens on the wall with a remote, and a picture of a train car seating system comes into view. ‘’The problem is that we don’t know what the agents look like or where they are going to sit, but luckily we know its the fifth cart from the engine.’’ Namjoon circles the picture with a laser pointer and you arch your brows deep in thought.

‘’So how are we gonna find the key? Are we just supposed  to raid the whole cart?’’ Jimin asks tilting his head on the side. ‘’No,  that would draw r too much attention. We have came up with a better plan. Y/N and I will board the train in our civil clothes and pretend to be young couple.’’ Namjoon says, smirking. ‘’I have few ideas in mind how to get the key without being detected but I will return to them in private with Y/N’’ ‘’Are you sure that it's safe to show our faces in front of the agents?” you ask.

You know that you are capable no matter what you do, but you’ve never committed a crime without some form of disguise. Even when you were just a teenager breaking into stores in the middle of night you used a mask that you had stolen from a Halloween store. The irony of that was it was that the mask was shaped like a bat to represent a fictional superhero. ‘’I know that you aren’t the fan of putting your face out there but it's our best option.’’ Namjoon tries to assure you. ‘’Wait, won’t the guards notice that the key is missing?’’ Jimin asks. ‘’What's the point of revealing your faces if they are going to notice anyway that the key was stolen?’’ he adds frustrated. ‘’I was getting to that, but I’m being interrupted constantly.’’ Namjoon sighs brushing his damp hair backwards. ‘’I had to pay a long penny but I got JB to forge a replica of the key for us.’’ Namjoon reaches for his pocket and pulls out a small package from his jean pocket. You had heard of JB. He was the leader of a group called GOT7. Even though none of the seven members of the group had  powers, they were highly respected in the business when it came to possessing items or information you weren’t supposed to have. The group runs a blackmarket tightly connected to the spiderweb. Some people believed that their gang was the one who ran the organization on the spider web, but no one could say for sure. There was a saying that if you didn’t find what you were looking for in their hands; it probably didn’t exist. ‘’He made a copy?’’ You ask, surprised. ‘’Yes, Jackson told me once that when JB was a teen he was a forger. He was skilled with art, passports, and money. If there was something that would make money he would learn to copy.’’ Namjoon confirms. Jackson was one of the members of GOT7 as well as one of the few people Namjoon could call his friend, and in this business that was rare.  ‘’So let me get this straight. We are going to sneak on to the train as civilians, somehow switch the real key with  fake one, get out and pray that nothing goes wrong and leaves us  exposed?’’ You repeat slowly to understand everything. ‘’That sounds wonderful, I just have one small question.’’ ‘’Which is?’’ ‘’How we are sure that the BTS won’t be disturbing our plans?’’ ‘’I’m glad that you asked.’’ Yoongi answers instead of Namjoon. ‘’Jimin and I  will attack the fake convoy escorting the decoy key and cause the attention to fall on us.’’ Yoongi’s eyes flash with excitement. ‘’We are going to be a decoy?’’ Jimin smirks pleased.  ‘’Indeed.they went through all the trouble just to fool us, it's only fair that we have a decoy of our we should return the favor.’’

#fanfiction #fanfic #kpop #kpop fanfic #kpop fanfiction #kpop smut #kpop smut fanfic #kpop angst #kpop au #bts #bts fic #bts fanfic #bts fanfiction #BTS au #bts smut #bts smut au #bts ot7 #bts ot7 fanfic #bts ot7 x reader #bts x reader #bts ot7 x reader fanfic #Poly BTS #bts hoseok #bts namjoon #bts taehyung #BTS jungkook #bts yoongi #BTS jin #BTS jimin #BTS v

[morelike-bi-light]

As much as I love our meme culture where we romanticize or slam our favs, I do genuinely think there's really interesting flaws to explore with all of the Twilight vampires. It's not developed super well in the series, not front and center since whether we see main characters make mistakes with consequences largely depends on how Meyers personally feels about them and what they represent to her, but the complexity exists and there's a whole heap of potential to explore.

Like Carlisle's need to 'save' and how it conflicts with itself. There's that post that points out exactly how selfish his decision was, seeing as how he views vampirism as damnation, and yes! That makes it so much more interesting. What would he be without this conflict? A pretty one dimensional saint figure with a million PhDs. I love that Carlisle spent hundreds of years denying himself company and then crumbled beneath a single Chicago mother's plea to save her son, in my mind as an excuse to soothe his own crippling loneliness. And then when he had someone to exist beside, he just... he did it again, ostensibly because Esme deserved better. And again, this time for Edward. Then he did it for Rose. And then they picked up Alice and Jasper, and I wonder if he felt that much more guilty knowing that if he'd just waited a decade or so more, he might've found family anyways without having to 'damn' the others. Exploring how that interacts with his religious beliefs? Sign me up.

Then there's Rosalie's resentment. It's been covered in much better depth by other users, and I think I've reblogged those posts, but the validity of her anger and fear of losing the only things that give her comfort in a life she never chose bears repeating. Not to mention how this possibly affects her relationship with her coven - it's like when your child or spouse or sibling or best friend who has depression. How do you interact with a loved one who wishes they were dead? Who thinks life, even with you, whom they claim to love, is a prison? How do you interact with the man you believe to be your soulmate when you genuinely believe that you would be better off having died before meeting him? What does it say about her sense of self prior to death versus as an immortal?

Which leads perfectly into Edward's self-flagellation. He murders and feeds, because he's a monster who deserves to feel like one - but he's not the only one who suffers from that (though we give him some points for understanding that from the get-go and targeting people he thinks deserve it). But then he feels bad for acting like a monster and he has another reason to punish himself. He deprives himself of joy and distances himself from his family because how dare a monster like he ever find comfort in others like him, and how dare he enjoy a life that's so unnatural - but his family suffers alongside him. But then he feels guilty for being a dick to them, which gives him another reason to punish himself. He sends Bella mixed signals by alternating between caring, coldness, and cruelty, because he wants her to be happy but he also doesn't want himself to be happy - but Bella suffers because of this. Then he feels guilty about putting her safety at risk, which gives him another reason to punish himself. It goes on and on, and this line of thinking hinders his growth as a character through the entire series without being properly addressed.

Bella's bull-headedness. Jasper's survivalism. There is so, so much to be said here. Even with the three least developed of the coven, Alice has her impulsivity, Esme has her passivity, Emmett has his impatience.

On the flip side, we have the native characters, who are all either poorly developed or most characterized through off hand, arm's-length negativity, so as to make the vamps look better, and all I want for them is more content exploring all the good they have to offer.

Like, Jake's defining quality is his loyalty - Smeyer may have butchered his character, but I'm not talking about the bullshit she had him do in the last two books. I want to see more exploring how warm and good and patient and generous he is with his friends, no matter what it is he's up against, be it social conflict or an emotional crisis. I mean, in the books, we only ever get to see him really care about Bella. What about Embry and Quil? There's an entire foundation to their friendship that's hardly brushed by canon. I want to see his loyalty to his father and sisters and the memory of his mother. IT is interesting when loyalties conflict, preferably with greater nuance and weight than the Uley vs Cullen dilemma, but what's more satisfying is getting to see Jacob act in his element. I wanna see his other good traits explored too, the ones that exist outside of the necessity that he be a good friend/alternate LI for Bella - like the passion he has and his down to earth attitude.

And don't get me started on the Uley pack. Sam himself had so much potential to be a nuanced foil to Carlisle - I'm going to need to make an entire other post on it, it gets me so worked up, so keep an eye out for that! But also there's Paul, who is literally just an angry caricature version of Emmett, Emily whose entire characterization is built on a mess of racist and sexist tropes, and how many of the others even get characterized at all?

And Leah. Was she done the dirtiest of not only all the native characters, but also all the females? Arguably, yeah. I'd say so. Again, there was so, so much potential to explore her even in subtle ways through the later narrative and literally next to none of it was fulfilled. By the end of Breaking Dawn I was genuinely irritated, even as a kid, because it felt like Leah had been pointed out time and time again as being so special - only important native woman, only pack member to have been ostracized through the entire series, and the only female werewolf, hello - only for none of it to be relevant literally at all to the major plot. There wasn't even any follow up. Why is she the first female wolf? What does that mean for the future of the shapeshifters? (I'm absolutely thinking about this for my - probably shorter than planned - fic, jsyk.)

Thank God for Seth, I guess. We all love Seth, but still I think even he is basically just a puppy's personality given human form. It's as if Smeyer thinks that complexity is counter blank to goodness, friendliness, and openness. (And I think this is an issue with Emmett, Alice, Esme, and Angela, too, to be fair. It's just that where those four are just Defined by a trait - boisterous, fun, gentle, and nice in turn - Seth's behavior specifically plays into a... cutesy... paternalism? That makes me narrow my eyes a bit.) Anyways, I wouldve liked to see his feelings about Charlie and Sue, or about his sister's transformation and his father's death, or uh, any of the violence against the newborns many of whom were literally his age from Eclipse? And not just in an, oh, sad boy is sad kind of way. He's not a care bear - there's gotta be some conflict about what he's been through seeing as it's a LOT.

To be real, though? In some ways, I'm actually okay with it that Smeyer dropped the ball on so many of her characters, while still giving us what we have to work with - largely because it's actually so cool to think about all the potential buried in the content we have, waiting to be unearthed. It's why, regardless of when or why it started and how long it should've lasted, I don't see myself exiting the Twilight fandom for a long time. There's so much work to be done, you know, stuff to be said, and I think it's been and is and will be a beautiful conversation. This was just meant to be a long meta, but really, I have to take a moment and celebrate everyone in the fandom who has kept it alive and funny and interesting, whether you're a staple like @howlonghaveyoubeenseventeen and @shittytwilightaus or you're just here to reblog and enjoy. We all sort of rediscovered this thing we liked in our childhood and just collectively decided to fix it and make it something worth loving as the people we are, and it makes me proud to be here!

#twilight #twilight saga #twilight meta #edward cullen #jacob black #carlisle cullen #rosalie hale #leah clearwater #seth clearwater #sam uley #wolf pack #uley pack #black pack #olympic coven #cullen coven #cullen family #esme cullen #jasper hale #bella swan #emmett cullen #alice cullen #quil ateara #embry call #bilight's bs #bilight talks #bilight's meta #bilight writes #bilight's headcanon #bilight's headcanons #long post

[vvakarians]

I need to be vulnerable for a second.

It’s been a year. I’ve made a lot of progress and am still uprooting shit I’ve been wading in for a while now. I’m growing and learning. But I’ve never gone into detail really, maybe on twitter and mentioned it a couple times but yeah. Been thinking a lot.

TW for Homophobia / Abuse

TLDR; My best friend was a shitlord and I spent ten minutes painfully sobbing about it. I’m fine lmao just needed to make a messy post.

Won’t be mentioning who they were on SM here but if mutuals who are and were friends w/ both of us want to know, hmu lmao. I sincerely hope y’all didn’t get shit on like I did

I’m so tired. I’m tired of knowing that someone I used to call my best friend literally cyberstalked me in a discord server and when I told them I wanted to have a space without them/wouldn’t be interacting with their character, they lost it.

I’ll call this person A. They were there for me through a lot but it got weird towards the end for sure. A was always clingy, always needed to be right (passed it off as an OCD thing), and always felt like they needed to be included in things I was doing. Abandonment issues due to trauma they said, still doesn’t excuse it but you know? Fine.

I identified as aro/ace for a long time bc I was severely traumatized. Someone thirst followed me and cornered me into a relationship/took my kindness for granted (Not A, not yet). A’s reaction was to assume I would never have time for them and we would drift apart, just because I had a partner. They complained about this to me and said that even if I was just their friend and QPP (we were both aro/ace) that they still felt I would abandon them. I tried to calm them down the entire time, this was October 2018. Three days later I had a severe PTSD break (unrelated trauma) and broke up with my ‘boyfriend’. A said it was the right decision and we left it at that.

Cut to me a year later having recovered a bit and realizing I had romantic feelings still. That I *wanted* to kiss and take someone out, and do heavily romantic things. During this time A and I had severe issues with D&D parties also where they would break down if they didn’t know everything and said that I couldn’t produce any part of my worlds for profit bc theh had contributed in a small way. It was a bad time. It lead to the complete disintegration of two relationships that I can...probably never get back. One of which I’m not sure I *want* back, but that’s a different story.

Basically they wanted to be the DM with half the credit despite only making npcs I could easily replace or cut out entirely. Now that I started playing again, I have.

I still was friends with them, still waveringly QPP’s with them. Though I’d often feel my skin crawl when they touched me or wanted to be in my space. This was all the time, not when I got triggered into a PTSD episode. I was annoyed when they wanted to always be in my space and have all my attention. But I felt obligated to A and had been recently traumatized again.

Even with all of this I wanted to come out as gay / mlm but still keep part of my aceness with me. Of course in feeling this, I approached A to let them know. Their response was to immediately come back with ‘we can do all of those things you want to do with a romantic partner’. Which I felt may be true for some aspecs but not me. I wanted to *be* with someone and not just...a friend. I wanted to have a boyfriend and be cheesy. I told A that it was probably true but I wanted something else. That I wanted space to think on what they had said. They came back with ‘you’re abandoning me. You just don’t like me. Everyone always leaves me’. Once again with the ‘you get a bf you’ll forget I exist’ rhetoric 🙃.

I told them that they weren’t the person I wanted to be romantic with. I was looking for someone else. I wasn’t attracted to them that way. They took that as an insult. Though to me they relented. Come to find out A got one of our mutual friends involved bc they lived in the same area. They vented and complained to them that I was going to abandon them, that I was punishing them, that they didn’t know what they did wrong. Which was behavior my parents exhibited when I was forced out as trans to them. That Inwas punishing them somehow for a misdeed or that they knew me better, they did something ‘wrong’.

The only outlet I had away from A was TikTok, we weren’t really doing D&D anymore because the party had dissolved due to their controlling habits. Every account I had was heavily monitored by A, I would vent and they would immediately pull it up and ask if I was okay. Even if I had explicitly said before that I was alright and needed some space. But TikTok was a place they barely went on. So I cosplayed more after our last visit (October 2019), and got a small following after joining a lovely d&d tag ran by one of my now closest friends. I also met my boyfriend through this tag, and several other very close friends. I made an oc that I integrated in one or two sessions of D&D before I completely stopped DMing.

Now, it gets worse. I get a following for cosplaying my oc Asariel Whately, join a server, and for a time have a pretty okay place away from A. Some breathing room. When I mentioned that Asariel (who we had talked about maybe being w/ an oc of theirs) was going to romance my now boyfriends oc in the tag, they got upset. They said that they were sad to see them with someone else, and asked if it could all be before my campaign/not actually be real. I told them no and that I’d continue doing what I wanted.

Well, after that and scouring my TikTok (i made the mistake of saying anything in the first place), they got invited to the server and started RPing/cosplaying in the tag. Which they’re allowed to do, but A has a history of wanting to be in my things and being the center of attention. When I say A got involved with *several* other characters, including a possible *minor*, that doesn’t even cover the worst of it. They got involved in a huge polyam relationship (which is fine, i’ll explain why their behavior was weird tho) that LITERALLY took up chunks of the whole server. Any time my bf and I got into chat to rp out some scene for Asariel and Fraanic, A was there to bury our scene in their own garbage. Could have been conicidence but who knows. Then the minor got added into the mix and most of us just had the server on mute/rped in DMs. It was so bad that other people noticed their bad behavior, meta gaming, and needing to be right.

Our relationship ended when someone from a private close knit server made up of all the people who wanted to remove ourselves from the toxic environment, outed our server. Said there was an nsfw server and A immediately jumped to say they wanted an invite. I panicked and DMed them for the first time in weeks to say that they couldn’t. That I needed space from them and this was the one place I had. We had a fight, they said ‘they’re my friends too’ and I pointed out that they had forced their way in, that I said I needed space. Eventually they gave up on it, thank god. But it left me wrecked for months. I didn’t create, I retreated into a two person server with my best friend who is now my boyfriend and just never looked back.

While I’m grateful that this massive upheaval gave me a new support network, got me into a good place for a romantic partnership, and allowed me to heal...I still have a lot of pain. I felt like I had been commodiefied, like an object because of how kind and soft and pliable I was. Because someone thought I was beautiful and *theirs* in the worst way. My ocs who are some of my largest coping mechanisms were tainted, I could barely play Dragon Age, couldn’t think about it. Because someone had conpletely obliterated my love for it. I hate to think they then continued to do that same thing to other people but I honestly have no clue what A is doing now. They dropped off the planet and honestly good riddance.

#i dont even know what to tag this as #personal #idk my person tags change a lot #tw homophobia #tw abuse