#i'm just. so tired of it all. guess i'll go back to writing depressive songs and crying (and maybe worse) for the rest of the night | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

onlyoneofyouu · 7 months

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the plan was to write a fun and light-hearted review but i guess that's not in the cards for me today ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ here's a bunch of feelings instead!

(no lore, literally just a lil rambling. feel free to ignore ofc - i'll probably post some unhinged reviewy thoughts later anyway :)

soooo... since this morning I've been trying to write a fangirling review full of memes for the name chapter: freefall like i've done before for other albums or their previews. you know, to have fun and scream about how good they sound or that line that made me go feral! and i do have something for a couple songs that i'll probably post later, but overall i kept failing because honestly that's not what feels right right now.

apart from back for more and do it like that (that are like an ass shaking break from dehydrating yay), i honestly sobbed my ass out with this album and i'm on the verge of doing it again as i'm writing this and listening to it.

the aspect that affected me the most was the lyrics and the way they delivered them. you can hear and tell how much txt grew musically. their vocals are really really great in every track, their styles more defined, and their overall group color too. they got back to the genres that fits them best (i think) - rock and disco -, experimented new ones - 80's new wave -, and something in between - rnb with dreamer that literally devastated destroyed demolished me btw, in more ways than one. when txt said in interviews and at the comeback showcase too that they keep trying to deliver relatable lyrics about their own struggles and feelings as well as their peers and the young, they weren't joking or overestimating themselves, they really are.

this album feels very personal to me. txt's songs always did, but with this i think we reached a new peak. i connected to it heart and soul.

personally, probably the one thing i love most about txt is how we share being in our twenties at the same time and how, despite different ethnicities, backgrounds, experiences etc, we are connected by our feelings and are able to sympathise with eachother and help eachother out, like, ahh... it just warms my heart. their music feels so close to me and that's honestly what any musician needs for them to become my favourite. once i connect on a deep level with their music that's literally all it takes.

I haven't opened up about this on tumblr before, but i've been pretty depressed this year. that's also part of the reason why i haven't been that active, together with being busy with uni stuff. i did had good days, i've been hanging in there, trying to focus on the good things in my life, but overall it's been hard, and i'm trying my best to get better soon because it's been tiring. i get so angry at myself because i have so many things in my life to be happy and grateful for, but i still get anxious and i'm still unsatisfied. i've been so frustrated about where i am in life, all the things i expected to be different by now, that i want to change but still can't, i've grown beyond impatient.

so, today, this album felt like the kind of understanding hug i've been looking for this year. growing pains is probably going to become what can't you see me was for me during the pandemic - an outlet to vent my anger and frustrations. chasing that feeling is going to be what take me home by ateez also is for me - my reminder to keep chasing what feels like home despite the hardships. dreamer is literally me condensed into a song (!?). deep down is there to remind me that even if my peculiarities can feel like a burden they're part of my identity and they shouldn't feel like it. happily ever after says it's okay even if things didn't go as i planned them, to embrace my failures and keep going even if life it's not a fairytale and it's unpredictable. i'll find my way. skipping stones feels like reading one of my journal entries where i write to my past and future self. and blue spring, a promise, has been here for me everyday since i heard it at the concert. with this album i didn't feel alone anymore, i felt that company and reassurance in a way i struggled to find until now, and i'm deeply grateful to txt for that 🤍

#jothingz

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ripjulie-gone · 10 months

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5 SONGS THAT INSPIRE YOU TO WRITE YOUR MUSE

I. ALKALINE - sleep token

ooh, let's talk about chemistry. 'cause i'm dying to melt through, to the heart of her molecules. 'ti the particles part like holy water. if anything, she's an undiscovered element. either born in hell or heaven-sent, but either way i'm into it. she's not acid nor alkaline. csaught between black and white. not quite either day or night. she's perfectly misaligned.

II. THE GREY - bad omens

gave you way too many chances, you ran through 'em all. got everything i could want, but it wasn't enough. nobody left for me to talk to, nobody to call. got everything i could want, but i still wanted more. there's not another way, don't let me go. don't dig another grave today. i'll make the same mistakes, i'll never know who i was before i faded away into the grey.

III. PARASITE EVE - bring me the horizon

really we just need to fear something. only pretending to feel something. i know you're dying to run, i wanna turn you around. please, remain calm. the end has arrived. we cannot save you, enjoy the ride. this is the moment you've been waiting for. don't call it a warning, this is a war.

IV. TAKE ME BACK TO EDEN - sleep token

come now. bite through these wires. i'm a waking hell and the gods grow tired. reset my patient violence along both lines of a pathway higher. grow back your sharpest teeth, you know my desire. i will travel far beyond the path of reason. take me back to eden, take me back to eden.

V. MIRACLE - bad omens

i wanted to dress a blade up in red with both of our necks but i wasn't able, and i wasn't stable. i guess. but nevertheless, i'm fucking depressed. i hide it with sex, and drink till it's fatal. it's so fucking painful. it's a mess. so give me something beautiful. so give me something else. i need another miracle, i really need some help.

#I HAVE SO MANY #but these are the current ones #DASH GAMES ✧ ⎨ 𝑑𝑜 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑤𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑡𝑜 𝑝𝑙𝑎𝑦 𝑎 𝑔𝑎𝑚𝑒? ⎬#PLAYLIST ✧ ⎨ 𝑚𝑖𝑥𝑡𝑎𝑝𝑒 𝑣𝑜𝑙. 𝑜𝑛𝑒 ⎬

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alietohelpyouseethetruth · 1 year

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Ladies and Gentleman I am jumping on the bandwagon.

(PSA: this is a super long post so if you only get through one sentence or one paragraph or the whole thing I am equally grateful for your attention, no hard feelings even if you give up after this sentence.)

It's time to talk about Anti-Hero.

"I have this thing where I get older, but just never wiser" bro same.

"Midnights become my afternoons." Midnights is a concept album which is always cool to me. You can make a concept album about any concept and it will be interesting to some degree. If someone made an album with the concept "going to the grocery store" or "getting my car inspected" I would be all over it. Can you really go wrong with a concept album?

Back to the point- Midnights is a concept album about sleepless nights throughout Taylor's life. Anyone who has been conscious in the past month has probably already heard that whether they want to or not. Only slightly less known is that this album was made with Jack Antonoff, producer of everything I love.

("Midnights become my afternoons." ) This line carries the feeling of what happens when you start to lose track of being a real person.

"When my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people I've ghosted stand there in the room." When I heard this line I knew in my heart this song was going to be phenomenal. What a turn of phrase. How else could you simply explain the way it feels when it's a little too late and you're a little too depressed? How else can you express how haunting and real all your past mistakes, especially in relationships, become to you?

"I should not be left to my own devices, they come with prices and vices, I end up in crisis" WOW. This line took me a couple days to learn because it's that much smarter than me. They way she wrote that structurally is so incredible that this level craft would be a record-breaker even if it wasn't about any kind of real substance. But it is, lucky for us, as Taylor has called this one of the best songs she's ever written (source: just believe me I'm pretty sure I'm right).

"(Tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I'll watch as you're leaving cause you got tired of my scheming (for the last time)" In her beautifully crafted music video, she is seen running from these 'ghosts' wearing ridiculous sunglasses and her grandma's curtains, and it's cute and silly, right? She's having some fun with us?

(she is not) It perfectly showcases how our deepest fears can look ridiculous to those on the outside. The idea of leaving her might be ridiculous to the ones she's speaking to, but in her mind it is a real and present danger. It keeps her up at night and forces her to create incredible albums.

"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me."

Moment of silence for how relatable that one is.

For years there was a joke on the internet that Taylor Swift should write a song called "Maybe I'm the problem." I love the irony of that being used to cut her down so to speak, but when she finally does it it becomes one of her biggest songs ever overnight.

"At teatime, everybody agrees" Now in our video we get to meet the Anti-Hero, and guess what? It's Taylor Swift. Her Anti-Hero persona shows up encouraging normal Taylor to do shots and smash things. One thing I really love about this is that the 'normal' Taylor is really enjoying her company. Don't we all love hanging out with the devils on our shoulders? Isn't it fun to indulge?

"I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror." Anti-Heroes of stories seem so stubborn, it would be so simple for them to just change their ways so we could love them right? Why can't they just look in the mirror instead of trying to self destruct?

Again, she uses very simple words to capture something we all hate ourselves for doing. Who do we beat up most for just refusing to look in the mirror? Who do we get most frustrated with for refusing to change? Am I the Anti-Hero?

"It must be exhausting always rooting for the Anti-Hero." Spoiler Alert: Taylor knows she's famous. She also knows for years many of her fans have been teased or belittled for liking her. She knows the reputation (see: album reputation) that society and the media created for her, and she knows that sticking with liking her through that is going to at times be difficult. She knows that enjoying her product, especially in the past, came at a price. This line has a deeper meaning but to me, but initially it almost sounded like a thank you, like she was saying to us "Thank you for sticking with me when I was the Anti-Hero, I know they didn't make that easy."

Her Anti-Hero takes on fully the role of the bad influence, teaching her "Everyone will betray you." Like all misunderstood underdogs, there is a feeling of rejection, and an even deeper feeling of pain that gets unleashed in all these chaotic and self-destructive behaviors.

I would like to pause this post for a moment to point out the way Taylor holds this pen -

Moving on.

"Sometimes I feel like everybody is a sexy baby, and I'm a monster on a hill." Ok truthfully this line is the reason I wanted to do a post on this song because everyone hates it and I have to give my two cents.

The use of the term "sexy baby" is supposed to make you a little uncomfortable. That's what she was going for. Not only does it briefly point out the way we are trained to focus on appearances and how that infantilizes us, but the use of an awkward phrase is driving home the point about her being an outsider. The intense contrast of a sexy baby versus a huge monster expressed how big her feeling is, how much she feels like she is different from what people want her to be.

"Too big to hangout, slowly lurching toward your favorite city" She expresses her feeling further by showing us a huge Taylor crashing a dinner party, again, an almost comical demonstration that doesn't hurt your feelings if you don't think about it, but really hurts your feelings if you do. How many times have we walked into a room and felt that ridiculous, even though we likely weren't that big of a deal at all?

"Pierced through the heart, but never killed." A galavanting young man comes in and shoots Taylor with a bow and arrow. She starts bleeding, but it's not red. It's purple. It's sparkly. And she immediately tries to hide it in shame. Could she be telling us that what she is on the inside isn't dark and red and strong, it's vulnerable, glittery and almost childish? Is she just too soft for all of it?

Am I reaching? Yes, but I stand by it.

"Did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some kind of congressman?"

Everyone sit down and shut up that line is so awesome.

The dinner guests react by running from her tiny display of her true, vulnerable self, and she places a pin saying "Vote for me for everything" over the wound. Because where does the need to constantly campaign come from? What causes us to always be working to gain approval from others? Fear of rejection. So what does she do? She becomes altruistic, selfless, entirely focused on others needs and wants, but all the time internally hearing "Do they like me, should I have said that, am I cool enough, is everyone hanging out without me?" This narrative thought the eyes of a critic looks narcissistic, like why won't you just get over yourself? That critique just reinforces the concept and the process starts all over again.

(Tale as old as time) I wake up screaming from dreaming one day I’ll watch as you’re leaving and life will lose all its meaning (for the last time) Don't all of us, when that layer of anxiety rears it's ugly head, feel a sense of impending doom? As if this is our last chance, we better pull it off this time! Doesn't that feeling really kill the joy of using up that 'chance'?

"It's me, hi, I'm the problem, it's me. At teatime, everybody agrees. I’ll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero".

We welcome back with open arms Anti-Hero Taylor, watching her push her off the bed, forcing her to do more shots than she can handle, shaming her for her weight. The fun Anti-Hero that initially seemed friendly begins pushing her, driving her toward more and more destructive thinking and habits. We know we feel like crap when we drink too much, why do we do it? We know logically our bodies are fine and never going to be perfect, so why do we hate them so much? There in the back of your mind is your most loyal Anti-Hero, reminding you, just in case you started forgetting, that you're not good enough. What a b.

"I have this dream my daughter-in-law kills me for the money. She thinks I left them in the will." This is my opinion the most heartbreaking part of this song.

"Everyone will betray you." Even your own family. Even your own children. And the worst part is, Taylor knew it was coming. She already wrote them out of the will. What kind of life pushes you to be so distrusting? To strike even your own children preemptively, because you've learned ultimately even they will turn their back on you and use you?

"The family gathers ‘round and reads it, and then someone screams out “She’s laughing up at us from hell!”

Who gets the beach house? Cats. Why? Because pets don't betray you.

What kind of lonely life is it when the only people you trust to love you unconditionally and be worthy to inherit your legacy are cats?

Now let me be perfectly clear, I do not think that this is the constant state of Taylor Swift's life, nor do I think that cats do not deserve money. I'm zeroing in on what she's really telling us. Because it's not funny. This video is not funny.

"It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me.

It’s me, hi I’m the problem, it’s me." Taylor looks up from her own casket to see absolute chaos from people who should be devastated to lose her, but are devastated to lose her money. And what's the common denominator that everyone in her life has? Her. She is the only thing that she knows for a fact they all have in common, so she's left with the belief that she elicits this reaction in people and it's her responsibility, when in reality they are all garbage and deserve 13 cents. But are they going to let her believe that?

"It’s me, hi. Everybody agrees, everybody agrees..." no. They're going make her the bad guy, because they can, so why wouldn't they?

"It's me, hi (hi), I'm the problem, it's me (I'm the problem, it's me) At tea (tea) time (time), everybody agrees (everybody agrees) I'll stare directly at the sun, but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting, always rooting for the anti-hero."

After being fully convinced she's the problem, she's met again with her Anti-Hero, except this time, she's offering the booze. The Anti-Hero has trained her well. They sit on the roof and are joined by not-sexy-baby-monster-sized Taylor, and finally they seem somewhat relaxed. Why? Because everyone will betray you. You can only trust yourself.

I could go on and on and on about the mental health issues and deep emotion this video gives us access to, but I think the one that stands out to me most is this - it is exhausting rooting for the Anti-Hero. And we are all our own Anti-Hero in our mind. It takes work to be on our own side, to ignore the voices telling us that we are worthless, and to remember that no one views us as negatively as we tend to view ourselves. Taylor Swift has obviously had to learn to overcome her Anti-Hero, and she wanted us all to know that it's not a unique struggle. We're all doing our best. Don't beat yourself up.

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#anti-hero #Taylor swift #midnights #spotify #songwriting #it must be exhausting #am I the anti hero?#sexy baby #jack antonoff #music video #concept album #Youtube #Spotify

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tjsplace · 16 hours

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Apr 29

10 am

still so much shit to do. even though i'm going at the speed of light it feels like sometimes. blondie plays in the background. rapture. i've been so obsessed with benny that i hadn't listened to anything else since saturday, till this morning. today is monday. i'm high and i think that's a bad sign. i gotta talk to my therapist today about my anxiety skyrocketing apparently. i don't notice it a lot in my emotions, but i do take a lot of bad decisions. like not eating before a party and then drinking and smoking weed till i was so nauseous i almost threw up and then came back home at 1.30 am. that's early for me. i've been more careful with my money though. i guess. but also getting high in my room a lot. i was alone all weekend at our apartment. i missed my roomies. then one of them came back last night and we drank beers and got high. what other stupid things have i done the past week? i bought weed on wednesday, i think. or maybe it was thursday. a gram, and there's none left since yesterday afternoon. my hands are cold because i smoke cigarettes in my room. i feel so guilty about money, even though my mom said i shouldn't. but i did go to the gym twice last week, that's cool. i procrastinate a lot. but, like i said, i'm still doing a lot. just not fast enough. but i'm not supernatural. i don't have endless amounts of energy. i gotta remember that. i've been trying to write the song (golden blue) but i'm not convinced by the verse's melodies. or chord progressions in that section. i really like the chorus though. the war on drugs starts playing. thinking of a place. the song is eleven minutes long and it feels shorter. because it's that good. not a dragging moment. what do i want to do? i should rehearse. vocal exercises. shit. i'm not sure if i have the energy. i mean, i do. i know i do. but the hardest part is always starting. maybe i'll feel better but i can't move. i'm not depressed, maybe a little down. or just tired. i woke up, took a shower and washed my hair. i went out to buy cigarettes and then made sure everything was okay with our document (for a class) and sent it. we didn't have class because our teacher had a problem with the production schedule of something, i guess. what else today? is that an acceptable amount of activities to do before 10 am? or is it too little? too much? i never know. i wonder this stuff all the time. am i acceptable? i talked with my grandma the other day and she said "everyone can do whatever they want, as long as it's correct." like, morally correct i guess she meant. something that's right. and it weighed down on me because i think i think like that too. judging everything, but also being told by my roommate that i'm not judgemental at all, and she likes that about me. interesting. maybe it's because i'm too hard on myself and i don't want others to feel like that because of my words or actions towards them. i think i need to read this to my therapist. maybe that would help. i've gotten good at translating in real time. that's cool too.

10.33 am

why is it that the tarot is always so fucking right? i got current status: three of wands. reversed. resistant to change. task: the empress. reversed. creative blocks. solution: five of pentacles. reversed. all about money. i think it's pretty spot on. except i also feel like i'm working each of these. i'm trying to be more open to change. i don't know if i'm succeeding though. i'm trying to cut through the creative blocks by caring less about what others think. i'm still worried about money, and i'm trying to not feel guilty. i don't know. maybe i deserve to feel guilty. fuck.

#tj #apr #2024

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the-crustoadian · 3 months

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Alright time for a depressing rant that I feel I need to type out to feel better

I'm fucked. I can't find a job and I have negative money in my bank account. Rent is nearly 900 dollars. I have two bills still needing to be paid. There's barely any food in the house. If I can't get a job or find some money somehow, then what? My parents will let me stay with them, but that's not in the city I live in. It's in a rural town away from all of my friends and all opportunities to go out and have fun or do anything. There's less jobs out there. If that happens I've fucked over my best friend and roommate, who can't afford this pace all on her own, and I don't know what might happen with her if I leave. Oh, and I'd have to abandon my cat, which makes me feel like a literal monster, because my Dad is allergic to cats and not very healthy. A cat in the house could actually kill him, so I don't want to do that either. So what can I do? Just go back to my parents and... Do nothing until I die? I always think about trying to stream, but I don't even have a computer. I doubt I could gain an audience by just streaming from the twitch app on my Xbox and using my mic to talk. I also just... Don't think I actually like streaming. Or anything I "want" to do for a career. Streaming. Drag. Singing. There's a few things I "love" and "wish I could be doing" but the thought of actually doing them... I don't think I'd enjoy it. Streaming for months on end with no viewers. Trying to do drag with no make-up skills, no fashion sense, and no idea on how to move my body. Everyone says I have a nice voice but, honestly, so what? I love to sing but I'd never be a good artist. I can't write songs, I have no actually knowledge of making music like my sister does, and she's barely getting anything from being in a band. Nothing seems to be worth it. None of my "passions" seem like they should be pursued, because what's the fucking point? I'm never going to succeed in them. Not fat fuck me from fucking nowhere, knows no one, no fucking drive to do anything. I'm just so tired of this struggle. I've been "lucky" that I could stay in the city for this long while unemployed, but that's only because my fucking grandmother died and I got my portion of the inheritance. But I miss her so fucking much. It's not fucking fair, none of this is fucking fair. The way the world is, the way I am, the way I'm going to ruin my best friends life because I'm a fucking failure at everything. And my cat. My fucking cat. I don't want to live without him, I can't fucking abandon him like this, he's already been abandoned by those he's loved before. I'm fucking cruel for putting him through this again. And also passing the burden to someone else. Probably my best friend. "Hey I know you're minus half of rent but could you also cover the expenses for my cat now? Thanks." Fuck. God I'm so bad with money too. This is mostly my fault for being in this position. I'm so so so so so fucking bad with money. It all goes away on fucking Uber eats or door dash and fucking weed. And the occasional video game. I don't know when to fucking stop. And now that everything is so fucking expensive it goes even quicker. Ten years in this city is all I'll get I guess. Ten years that were filled with mostly me crying about how stressful living is. Some fun, some good times and memories, but... It's been nothin but shit for a long time. And it won't get better. I'm fucked. I wish I had the balls to kill myself.

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myucornerorg · 1 year

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So it's WAY overdue, but inspired by @real-life-senshi's New Year's post from a while back, I wanted to write a post about my plans for this blog for 2023.

So I haven't posted on here a ton cause a lot has been going on in my personal life. Our house (mine and my parents) has been in a crazy semi-livable state since last October, due to a leak that we found that took them AGES to find the source of. We are just starting to put things back together. But since the downstairs floors need to be replaced anyway, my parents decided to replace all the carpet upstairs, which means I'll need to move out my furniture and pack up pretty much everything except my hanging clothes and the stuff on shelves in my closet in the near future. (Later edit: I've already started this process and am thankfully nearly done).

Also, in mid-January it was announced that the grocery store I was working at was going to close. Not the whole chain, just that location. They then had me start working full shifts a lot. I technically did get off earlier, but because I started at noon, and I take the bus, I couldn't really stay up late. And on my days off, I'd be too tired to do much. It's honestly too bad my work doesn't let us have our phones on us (or wear earbuds) cause towards the end work got really boring (since we got fewer customers) and honestly pretty depressing (with the increasingly empty shelves and having to explain the situation to customers like 10 times a day at least). One of my coworkers ended up playing Pokémon Go most of the time (he didn't follow the "no phones" rule - in fact I'm probably one of the few that actually did, and even I've broken it a few times).

On top of everything, I was focused more on my writing and thus not really working on my cover channel.

But I still want to do covers, so I'm not getting rid of the channel just yet. I may start doing non-Sailor Moon songs on it, since I'm running out of Sailor Moon songs to use.

I may also change the username of this blog, since the website it was associated with (myucorner[dot]org) no longer exists. I'm not sure what to change it to though...

So I guess ultimately I'm not very sure what I going to do with this blog and my YouTube song cover channel. It'll take some thought. Just wanting to put some thoughts out there on the topic.

#site update #personal post #sailor moon

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melodramatic-girlll · 1 year

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January 23, 2023

Dear Yuan,

Hey! hehe it's been so long, I can't believe i'll be back here again writing letters to you. Uhm what's new? I guess a lot happened and changed during the last months of the year 2022. I know, I kinda forget writing here when things are good and going smoothly. I mean there are times that things doesn't go the way i wanted it to be but I can manage naman.

Hmm, Okay! so tbh the reason why I am here is something got in to me during the start of 2023. I suddenly feel exhausted. I wanted to restart my life. I hate to admit it but studies shows that the exhaustion i feel is also a sign of depression. Yeah, I know here we go again. but I guess it didn't go away, maybe i am just good in hiding it by doing spontaneous things that made me forget about it once in a while but the traumas are still there.

So i'll try to give you some highlights from the last few months,*drum rolls* I met someone. haha! funny because for the past years of building myself and making my walls high enough assuring that no one can hurt me, I gave in. I gave someone a chance to see a little bit of what's behind the surface. I allow myself again to be vulnerable with someone but I was wrong for believing. I was wrong for believing that I can be like what I am to you. Do you think it is wrong to compare what we have to someone else? Hahaha of course it is wrong! but let me explain myself.

I am done with us, I am completely moved on with you. What I was saying is that I want to feel the same way I feel when we were together. I always give my all when it comes to love and I thought that was normal until I realize that not everyone can understand your vulnerability. not everyone can take what you can give and reciprocate it. I know love wasn't supposed to be this hard. Love is supposed to be reassuring, calming, and safe. I wish I can feel that again. but hey! at least give me a plus for allowing myself to try again in love. It didn't work but at least I tried again. I'm hoping that when i tried again next time that would be the last time im gambling for love because next time it will be the right person, the right time and the right love that i deserve! kasi i'm getting tired na with all of these heartbreaks! my heart is too soft to handle all of this as if you didn't know how much of a soft-hearted-cry-baby i am inside this strong independent careless woman they see outside. >.<

which goes to my next update. Remember when you told me "You should ask for help sometimes" "you are always helping everyone but you are afraid to ask for help when you need it" yep I continued living like that which one of the many reason why i am so tired and no will to see or talk to anyone right now. During the first days of the new year i reflected on myself, realize things that made me to have a dopamine detox.

I ghosted everyone. I disappeared from the context. I leave the idea of me being available to everyone. I forgive myself for not having enough time to do the things that I wanted alone, or for being so available that I adjust everything in my schedule to accommodate and please everyone, to fit in. it continues until I don't know who am I or what I want. I've been busy mirroring everyone's personality to the point that I am now in another episode of existential crisis. It's hard, and it is addicting, especially when the time flies so fast and you didn't notice it because you are enjoying and living in the moment. But I need to end it, I am starting again, rediscovering myself is a process, and luckily during these times of being quiet and away from the internet. I find myself doing the things that I used to enjoy before. you know like reading books, journaling or just listening to music or you know how much I like it when I discover underrated songs. I also go back to taking care of myself from physically to mentally and by emotionally and spiritually where getting there.

I really wanted to take things slow right now and give everything a time to develop and grow. Pressure doesn't produce it's best outcome. I wanna enjoy a slow pace growth that I know i will earn in the future.

Whoa! can't believe that i'll be making it this long but yeah it always help me to process things by writing it to you so i can't have all the feelings i have inside be bottled up and will be too much to carry. after I deactivated my FB weeks ago, I also deactivated my Instagram today and deleted tiktok. Yay! for more me time i guess? hahaha Anyways I'll be ending this right here. HCNY pala!! osha gtg naaa!

PS.

after you, i keep on attracting Chinoys na! what's with the pattern Yuan? do you all Chinoys have mommy issues that wants to be cured by someone who has a loving and nurturing energy like me? charot! hahaha okay bye na talaga.

Love,

Gellie

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tomitomitomi · 1 year

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tw // depression

sunshine, we don't belong here

we got no flowers to grow

everything makes me so sad lately. Or not sad, just exhausted, maybe both, probably both. It all seems so overwhelming, every little thing towers over me like a death sentence. I think I'm getting depressed again, not in like the quirky tiktok way but in the 'this cannot be ok' kinda way. I've been here before and I know how it feels, yet, I can't bring myself to talk about it. I don't want to admit it. I don't want people to know I'm back at it yet again. Do I have no cure? Sometimes I think not. Everything I feel, I feel too deeply, too strongly, and it just tires me so much. I'd be listening to a song and tears pile up, then I'd be staring at a cloud that it's too pretty and I'd become sad because I can't have the kind of life that it has. I know it sounds stupid, but I guess I'd like to be a concept of some kind. I was talking to Bunny about it today, I told her I'd like to be that feeling you get when you find a little rainbow on the wall or floor and its really nice. I'd like that warmth and simplicity. On the opposite, I know myself to be too fiery and complicated, not delicate in the slightlest.

I think i might be thinking about dying again. It's nothing too strong so I'm not very worried. Some days ago I read that trauma survivors simply enter this passive suicidal mood permanently, like it really never goes away. I don't know if it's true, it could perfectly be a lie, but I gues that's how I feel, too. I've been thinking about harming myself a little. Well I guess I've been even doing it, in very subtle ways. Like, i won't take a shower until I'm disgusted with myself, or I won't turn on the heating and instead let myself be freezing cold for a while. I've been eating lots until I make myself sick. I'm never hungry anymore and food has started to disgust me, but I keep eating, cause that's what I do. I'm so fat and huge that I can't tell if the shortness of breath comes from my size or from the crippling social anxiety that I try so hard to overcome. The only thing I know for sure is that everything makes it hard to breathe. Even thinking. Mostly thinking.

I've also started to scratch my skin more. I've been producing some wounds, nothing too big, nothing that would stand out. I don't consider any of these real self harm because I've been doing stuff like this for years. It's like, if I'm not cutting, then it's ok. And I'm not. I won't. Though I want it, but not too badly. I just toy with the idea every now and then. But it's been years, long years since I last did it and I just know that it would be devastating if I relapsed. I wouldn't be able to stop. It would all go to hell.

Maybe i'd be happier if I had any money, but I know that's also a bad thing to wish for. I'd spend all of it on useless shit and it wouldn't make me feel better, at least not for more than 15 minutes after the purchase. Then I think, 'I'd be fine if I was thin' but then again, I don't feel like I can do it and I'm too embarrassed to even try. I go trough possibilities like dealing a deck of cards, looking for possible reasons. Deep down I know it's just me. There's always a different reason but the constant it's that I'm just too filled with nothingness. It can be temporarily put away, but it never really goes away. It just fades and then comes back, and it's going to be like this until it isn't, because I won't be anymore, either.

I'm not saying I truly want to die or anything. It just makes me exhausted to know I'll have to deal with this time and time again for the rest of my life. It almost makes me wanna quit. I wouldn't, because I know happiness now, too, and I don't wanna lose it. I don't wanna lose my wife or my friends or my family. I don't wanna miss the stories I wouldn't be able to write or read. All the ugly drawings I wouldn't be able to work on.

It's hard cause my life is beautiful and I want to enjoy it so badly. And I even do, sometimes. Some days I really do, but then I ruin it. Or my brain does, i don't know, and it doesn't really matter. It's just fucking depressing to know you have it all going on for you and you're still a (literal) ball of sick, disgusting nothing.

#rant #tomi talks

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anonymous-swiftie · 3 years

Text

If you are on twitter, please retweet this:

https://twitter.com/ASwiftie00/status/1334245577933148164?s=19

Dear #Swifties,

I'm new on tumblr, and I really don't know how to use it.

I know you are the best supporters of the music industry and I'm here to ask your help.

I'm fighting with a crippling depression, that due this covid situation just got worse.

I'm at my lowest, I truly don't know if I will make it through this time.

I always dreamed to talk to Taylor, since I was a teenager. She is the only one that make me feel like I do fit in this world.

I've created this account because I know she is very active here, and I'm trying to reach her with this part of my story.

You can read everything below.

I didn't write any personal information because I don't want this to be seen by my family or somebody that can recognise me.

I don't want upset anyone.

I know that everyone hope to meet or chat with her, and so you are probably wondering why you have to share this here.

You're totally right, maybe it's a stupid idea to ask you this, but I haven't anything left in my pocket to fight this situation, and you're my only hope right now.

Thank you.

#taylor #swift

*******************************************

Dear Taylor,

I keep writing and deleting this, over and over again.

I feel so dumb to write my personal story here, but this truly is my last chance to feel better and try to overcome this giant monster called depression.

I genuinly don't know if I can make it through this year. It's the worst period of my entire life and i don't even know if it's worth living this hell anymore.

I know you have millions of supporters (that probably write you every single day, and they are all better fans than I am, that's for sure) but I know that you proved, time after time, to be so down to earth and to use your time to read your fans messages.. so, in this moment, I'm just trying to share a part of my story with you.

You are the one that make feel understood, since I was like 13teen.

I'm so sorry if my English isn't very good but I'll do my best.

I'm not very active on social media , because I'm very shy when I have to talk about myself.. but If this could work, I must do it.

I will try to send a letter, If I can find the strength to mark this feeling on paper.

**IF I'M WRITING TO SOMEBODY FROM HER STAFF, PLEASE JUST LET THIS MESSAGE REACH TAYLOR**

I'll try now to resume, because I don't want to bother you too much.

This has been a crazy year so far, and the all the time I spent by myself during the lockdown didn't help at all.

This situation brought me back to childhood.

I spent a lot of my days back and forth in hospitals, due to my allergies.

I had to wear a mask all the time I wanted to go outside to avoid severe allergic reaction (that's why this Covid thing awakened some hurting memories)

I didn't have real friends back then, 'cause I've spent most of the summers at home, watching other kids playing around, from my window, or from the windows of my classroom.

It was so hard to make new friends, because the only thing that other kids saw was my mask.

I was the masked kid.

I was the strange kid.

I couldn't play with them.

Everytime I tried to play with them, the only thing I heard was "oh you are ill , I don't wanna be like you so stay away".

This situation made me start to write things in my personal diary.

I wrote small sentences, as a kid, and that was the only thing I could do alone inside an empty classroom during all summer.

This situation continued for many years.

I wasn't the cool kid before, I wasn't the cool guy after.

The only things that let me enjoy those days were writing and listening to your songs.

I started to listen to your music thanks to my English teacher. She was a fan of folk and country music and she gave me a pic in which you were singing near a lake (I still have that photo somewhere, I strongly remember the white banner with your name written in red on it) and told me to listen to the cd she gave me that day.

I immediately fell in love (I think I still have a crush on you, I'm sorry).

I loved your album. I loved your voice. I loved the lyrics.

I remember having a "test" in school: each one of the class had to write their favourite lyrics and let the others guess the song.

If the someone guessed It, We could play the cd.

I chose Love Story and I translated it in Italian.

The class guessed the song, and I played it.

After the lunch break I went back to my desk and I saw some bullies that were breaking my cd-album and they started to laugh at me because I loved your music an I loved writing poems.

I was a boy so I was a loser because I enjoyed those things.

That felt terrible, but I continued to love your songs even more .

Those were my inspiration to write and to study english.

I felt so good when I listened to your album and this still happens.

Then I went to a private high-school.

Nothing changed, I still was the nerd guy that always got good grades and I have to say that the first year was quite good, but the second year was the start of the apocalypse.

I choose that school because two girls that I knew from childhood went there.

One of the cool new guys started to spread a fake "news" about me.

He said to everyone that I was the boyfriend of one of the two girls that I mentioned before.

So he was the cool guy and one of the girls believed him and told me to f*** myself.

The other girl was her best friend, so you could imagine by what happened next.

After 14 year spent together, I was nobody.

I didn't have "friends" in that class anymore.

I didn't say hello to anybody for 4 years, and nobody would say anything to me.

Nobody to talked with me.

That's great when you're a teenager.

I hated to wake up every morning.

I had an eating disorder, I lost like 22pounds in less than a month. Got hospitalized twice. I kept vomiting for 3 years, every single morning before school.

During that time I only talked with one of my cousins, who lived like 2 hours by car from me.

He was older than me but he always tried to help.

He knew that I loved to write poems so he started to give me guitar lessons.

I made it through a lot of things thanks to him.

I'm sorry, It's hard for me to write this part of the story.

I still get emotional when I think about this.

On the 10TH of December 2013 (some days after his birthday) we received a phone call from his mother: She warned us that he didn't return home after the last working shift.

I wrote a message to him like 3 hours prior to that phone call.

Never had the opportunity to get a reply again.

This year is the seventh year that he is missing.

That destroyed me.

I felt empty.

I felt like nothing couldn't help me.

I still feel that everytime I care about someone in my life, it will disappear someday.

This have happened several other times.

You know when ignorants say that men don't cry, is real bullshit. Men cry. I cried a lot.

I wrote so many poems , lyrics, thoughts in that period of time, that I destroyed my hands.

That was the only way to close my eyes and let me reach another reality because the real one was way too much for me.

Be a sensible man in this world is somehow a curse.

All these things made me afraid even to hug someone 'cause I feel I'm too ugly or just to scared to be refused.

I will stop here my story, but there's so much more to tell.

I make it through all of these things and memories because I keep dreaming that one day I could meet you and we could talk together.

Dreaming about the fact I could spend a day with you made me find the power to battle my depression.

I'm 25 now and this year I'm not dreaming anymore.

I was going to start again university, I wanted to get a degree in marketing and have the chance to live in the us.

For years I believed that I would make it and hopefully be part of your marketing team.

I'm so stupid. All these years I kept dreaming to avoid pain.

I wanted to pursue my passion and continue to write lyrics but all I was doing was putting myself in unrealistic realities.

This covid situation made everything clear.

When everyone had someone to facetime (or video call) I was alone.

When everyone had someone asking them "how are you?" I only had myself looking in the mirror saying: "Will I ever feel better?"

I've never been the one for anybody, and I think I'll never be.

I won't be the one among all your fans to realize his dream.

Nobody likes me, and I'm exposing myself once again just because I want the opportunity to smile at something that could happen to me.

I'm tired to smile only for others best moments.

I've always seen the sun through a window.

I want to feel happy.

I want to burn my face with the sun.

I'm so sick of hiding my pain,

sick to cry when I'm alone in my car before going to work,

sick to let my eyes rain on my pillow every night.

I'm sick to say to my mother that I'm fine, just because I don't want to make her feel bad.

It's not her fault.

She is battling with a degenerative autoimmune disease, why I should put other weight on her shoulders?

I didn't give up to my weakness before because I don't want to hurt her.

I always say to her that soon she will feel better, that's why your song It's stuck in my head.

But when she won't be here anymore, how I can go through all of that?

I don't even know if will ever get better for me.

Will this pain ever stop?

Sometimes it's so hard to live and so easy to die.

Hope that my dream to spend some time with you can become true.

Thank you for everything, you gave me the strength to go on for many years.. But this time is so hard to put on my armor and continue this battle.

But is this even worth if thy I try to surround myself with people and I always feel lonely?

@taylorswift @taylornation @jackleopards-thedolphinclub

#swifties #taylor swift #folkore #music #ts spoilers #lover taylor swift #taylornation #swiftified13 #day 13 #pop music #books and libraries #writers #history #musicians #quotes #loneliest #love taylor #hopes and dreams

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dumbass-mha-simp · 3 years

Text

Hawks x Reader: Bad Idea

Another self indulgent Hawks fic that I've literally had in my notes for months. He lives in my head rent free along with my other 22 fake boyfriend's because I'm ✨mentally unstable.✨ It is a song fic tho, Bad Idea ft. Shiloh Dynasty https://youtu.be/kH9hJnT7KkE

youtube

Tw: food, depression, Hawks is honestly just feeling it bro- same dude,

Word count: almost 2k? I think

Requests are open! Honestly I'm probably terrible but the only things I can think to write are those imaginary situations I put myself in

(Y/L/N)- your last name

(Y/N)- your name

Thoughts or emphasized talk are in italics

Also idk why but I imagine he removes his feathers to shower since they probably need different cleaning conditions and also they just seem like a hassle in showers.

~~~~~~~~~~~

Here he was, the number two prohero. Everyone assumed his life was perfect, anything he wanted served on a gold platter. He felt the guilt creep up into him.

I should be thankful. The thoughts ate away at his mind in the rare seconds he got alone. You shouldn't be so selfish. So annoying. So insufferable.

Takami pushed these thoughts back. "No one needs to know how you think, Keigo." He whispers out to himself in his office.

He scrawled at paper work, trying to not let the self depreciating thoughts feast away on his mind. Unfortunately for him, different thoughts came up.

His best friend, Rumi had this friend. (Y/L/N). Smart, attractive, sometimes a little rough around the edges, but amazing. He found his mind wandering to them all too often.

They were mostly unknown, despite their insanely strong quirk. They preferred to stay out of the lime-light, through that irritable exterior sat overwhelming anxiety and shyness. But they always denied it.

He stopped himself as he realized he's spent 10 minutes only thinking of them, a friend. Yeah right.

He lazily walked out of the office waving to all his employees as he made his way outside. His eyes slowly dragged to the darkly faded blue sky, dusted in clouds. Cold, tired, aching. Just how he felt.

He took a slow brisk flight to his house, feeling the wind bash his face and the air flow through his feathers. He gently placed a foot on the metal railing of his balcony, taking a deep step to the ground and opening the door.

The emptiness rung through his apartment like a blaring siren. You have everything. How can you still want more?

The voices in his head screamed and clawed their way out. You're nobody. No one ever loved you. You're so alone. You're nothing but a tool to the commission. You're actual character is useless.

He shed his coat, boots, and pants. Looking to himself in the mirror as he removed most of his feathers. He looked exhausted as he stumbled into the shower, numbly.

The next ten minutes seemed to elude him when he wondered how much time has gone by of him staring at the shower wall blankly.

He dried off a bit then looked around his kitchen for something to eat. Have I eaten today? The buzz and light of his phone on the counter startled him.

"Hey, Hawks." A single, simple message from (Y/L/N). Okay don't panic.

"What's up?" He replied swiftly.

"I had this feeling something was wrong and wanted to check up on you."

"Why would you think that?" He tried to play it off like it wasn't true without actually lying.

"I'm not sure. Do you maybe wanna join me?" You asked.

"Where?"

"Well, every once in awhile when I need a break I go and stargaze with a night picnic. It helps me relax, and if you think it might help I'd want to. I can tell something's off." You were always so convincing. It felt like you weren't too nosy or snoopy but you understood.

"Text me where to be and when?" He let out a gentle smile at his phone.

"The dollar store on 4th in 10 minutes? So we can choose some snacks together?"

"I'll be there."

Did Takami think any problems where going to be solved with some food in the dark? No. But would he skip the opportunity to be with you, to find out how he really felt when it was just you two? Absolutely not.

He landed down on the broken pavement outside of the old dollar store, scanning around to see you.

"Boo!" A bump from behind had him flinching to see the sound as you stood behind him giggling. "Got ya."

"Very funny (Y/L/N) the most amazing trick yet." He rolled his eyes with a slight smile.

"C'mon let's go grab a bunch of terrible snacks and call it a picnic, bird brain."

You two walked into the store and walked a large circle around it, choosing chips and candy and drinks at your leisure. Once you got to the counter, he fights you to his wallet.

"It's my picnic."

"And I'm the very special guest who was so generously invited. I'm paying." He grins as you pout at him.

Grabbing the bags you placed them in the back seat as you offered passenger side to him.

"I don't like cars."

"Why not?"

"Cramps my wings."

You look at him with the biggest puppy eyes you can manage. "You already agreed to keep me company and pay for the snacks, let me do something for you?"

"Fine, but only cause you're pouting kid."

He gently sits in your passenger seat as you strap yourself in and turn the car on. The car hums and the music playing softly on the radio are the only things heard. The peace feeling too good to break.

Once you pull your car up into the parking lot of a small park and grab your bags, you begin leading him to your usual place.

"Hold these." You hand him the bags as you jump and climb up on top of a big metal container. You peer over the side with big eyes and a smile as you say to him, "now hand me the bags and do what I did!"

He looks at you with a wide smirk before simply flying up to join you. "Or you can do it the cheater's way." You pouted and bumped his shoulder.

"It's not cheating, it's using my resources." He says with a triumphant smirk.

"Your cheating resources." You pull out your gummy candies and started eating as you leaned back till you were laying down.

"Do you like the stars, Hawks?" You say like your sleep talking, staring into the night sky.

"Keigo." He shifts to lay down about a foot away from you. "You can call me, Keigo. And... I don't think I've ever taken time to look at the stars."

"No sneaking out away from parents to sit on vans and stargaze? Or watching the sunrise with a partner while eating fast food?"

"What kinda date is sitting in a car for hours staring at the sky and eating?" He laughs.

"Ah one that never really happened, he just said he would. But never mind that repressed shit." A sad laugh forces itself out as you stare between the stars.

"Was he cute?" He tried to sound funny but it came out more sympathetic.

"Sometimes," you laugh with him. "But he had really nice hands."

"Hands? That's an odd thing to find attractive." He turned his head over to look at you as your eyes seemed to burn holes in the dark milky blue sky.

He continued laughing with you about this guy but couldn't help an overwhelming feeling of jealousy. Who was he? Did he look anything like him? Was this recent?

"Keigo?" A voice snapped at his train or thought, "Yes, (Y/L/N)?" He replied rushed.

"Do you want your mini cookies?" You ask looking to him with the bag.

"Oh, yeah. Thanks." He mentions grabbing the bag from your finger tips.

He ate his cookies and thought as you seemed either lost in your head, or lost in the stars.

Loving you would be selfish. As such a high ranking hero, he's made a target for himself and anyone around him. He's broken down, can't feel. You obviously have other people on your mind. Someone like you wouldn't be single long.

"When did he leave?" He blurts out without thinking. Maybe it's a sore subject-

"Long ago." You look lost, your eyes searching and wandering but never grabbing hold of exactly where you should be. "Why?" Well I guess if I'm gonna start prying might as well go all the way.

"He thought that maybe he could love me. But now that's just ridiculous," you laugh coldly. "Who would love me?"

"Falling in love with you seems like a really bad idea. But not on your part." He whispers into the wind, hoping it'll carry his words away from you.

"What do you mean?" You look completely confused, almost scattered.

"You're quiet, and I'm someone who puts a spotlight on practically anyone around me. You'd constantly be put in danger. Plus I'm arrogant and cocky, nothing at all like you." He acted like he could see the stars as you could. He stared into them finding any way he could to avoid your eyes.

"You could get hurt or I could annoy you." He whispers.

"I had no idea you felt that way, Keigo." You whisper back, shock keeping your voice quiet.

His eyes burned holes into the night sky, he felt he shouldn't look at you. The mental image of you already wouldn't go away.

"You wanna know something, Keigo? I can read people like books, I can read stars like stories, and I can read in-between lines like they were in bold font. But, you always catch me off guard. Reading you is like a mystery novel. Sometimes intense, sometimes peaceful, but always keeping me wondering." You smile into the stars, you can tell he desperately doesn't want to see your eyes. "You're always leaving everyone on the edge of their seat, and when you leave you can't stop thinking of the next time you'll come. What you'll bring."

"I....I don't think I understand (Y/L/N)-" Keigo's soon cut off.

"(Y/N)"

"Well, (Y/N)- I don't think I understand." He tries to sit up and look at you.

"You catch me off guard, something about you speaks to me in ways I know you never actually would. I can see it, the way you stumble or hesitate. I can tell somethings scared you into silence." You've never had much chance to talk about the ways you analyze people, you wanted to tell him how you could tell the way he acted wasn't always good.

"I think you might be reading too much into this, kid." He tries to intervene.

"I get if you don't want to tell me." You stared up at the stars, waiting for him to do the same. "You see there?" You pointed to a star. "That's a constellation."

"They just look like stars." He seemed a bit disappointed that he couldn't see stars the way you did, with such knowledge and wonder in your eyes.

"That's cause they are," you giggled to him, "it's not like I can actually see the pictures either."

"You.. you can't?" He looked to you confused but slightly hopeful, how could they look at them but not see too?

"That's the whole point, Keigo. It's being able to see what's not really there. Sometimes I stare into the sky hoping to see any semblance of hope, but that's not how it is. You have to teach yourself to look at what could be there." He stared to you, a small content smile graced your face. You were beautiful.

"(Y/N)?"

"Yes?"

"Maybe, loving you isn't such a bad idea.." he looked remorseful, staring into the stars. Maybe he could see it too one day.

"What do you mean?" You glace to him.

"You see so much, you can read and see the things I want to see. I want to learn, (Y/N). I want to see how you do."

The smile on your face spread.

"I'd love to show you."

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freddiefcknmercury · 3 years

Text

A Promise(part 2)- Crimson & Clover

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader(Black coded/Genderless)

Word Count: 2.7+

Warnings/Disclaimer: SMUT. ANGST. cursing. mild depression/heart-ache. etc etc. if something needs to be tagged please lemme know.

A/N: LOL I'm back on my bullshit yall. heavy angst/depression from the previous Steve centered storyline so if you haven't read "You really think I didn't know?" I'll do some magic linky links here and at the bottom just in case. Also I'm trying something kinda different with the way I post the fics so feedback is welcome.

ALSO this one comes with a tiny playlist! there are Bolded lyrics throughout if you want to get a deeper sense of where I was emotionally writing this and where reader is as well you can Def give these songs a listen, they are in order of appearance:

Crimson & Clover- Tommy James & The Shondells

Every Time I Breathe- Arlissa

Navy Blue - Hasani

Summary: Bucky takes an extended leave for "work" related reasons and reader slips back into some dark places in his absence...

~*As always, be Nice to me I’m Delicate*~

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

He said he might be gone most of the week. Sam called the day before and all you know is it's something important. He didn't go into detail, just packed a bag and you'd never seen him do that before. But he was also only gone a day or two at a time and never felt the need to tell you about it before now either.

Up until recently you'd tip-toe around each other. Not like you used to with Steve though, worse. Bucky is a lot better at making sure you don't know he's there until it's too late. It felt like you'd never get used to each other, or more likely that you'd never want to. You might've still been secretly hoping that he'd stop caring and go away... after a while you got tired of your own bullshit and realized he's giving off that vibe on purpose. Wordlessly telling you how you should feel about him, not wanting to get too close. You never much liked being told what to do.

It was only about two months before you became a Barnes' expert. You'd sit up at night listening intently for when he'd shower, get in bed, or wake up. He never slept more than five maybe six hours at a time, you'll never understand how he can function like that. You know how he likes his coffee, which angle he holds his cup. How and where he takes off his shoes, how much ice he puts in a drink, the way he likes to cut his toast, and what time he has to do all of it. There's an almost unnerving pattern to him, one that's always been there and you were just unwilling to notice for so long, and you're not sure if he's even aware of it.

You woke up to him already gone. You knew he was leaving but actually being left alone like that unsettled you more than you anticipated, a serious case of Deja vu. You went into your routine like normal, because everything still was, but by the fifth day... you stepped into the front room and got that empty feeling. One you hadn't really had since...

It stopped you for a few seconds longer than you liked and a large knot formed in your stomach. You spent the whole day trying to ignore the feeling but it only got worse. Like a hunger pain but much more vague, crawling through each muscle. You'd catch yourself staring at his room, Bucky's room but also... Steve's. It's the first time you let yourself admit to him fully crossing your mind in over a year.

You laid up in bed, trying to count the metaphorical sheep to no avail. Getting up thinking that a snack or a warm drink will stop the restlessness, you pause in the tiny hallway shared by your bedrooms. The low blue light from the moon outside dustily illuminating the space through a cloudy bathroom window. You stare at the door like any second he's going to ask what you're doing up so late and you can tell him to mind his own business while pouring two cups of tea.

You just wanted to touch the knob; turn it to make sure it still works- that you're still "allowed in there if you want". But stepping inside was too far, an invasion of Bucky's privacy, and you felt it. But you couldn't help yourself. You needed to know.

They were definitely cut from the same cloth. Sparse furnishings and no decorations, save a few very small trinkets he'd held onto from who knows where. There is exactly one row on his bookshelf filled with composition notebooks that were beat to hell and back. Sticky notes lined the edge of most of the pages, so much so that they easily could've been mistaken for feathers on a quick glance. You dare not touch them. Observing someone with a past that checkered is very different to reading into the things they deem worthy of physically writing down.

Where Steve used to leave small drawings and notes Bucky left half empty ink pens and a few well used pairs of gloves. You saunter to the far corner of the room and caress a worn leather jacket hanging precariously on the lowest peg of a coat rack. Doing a slow sweep of the space something in the otherwise barren closet catches your eye. The knot in your stomach that had almost disappeared was back and it brought friends. Your shirt. His shirt. The big one that said BROOKLYN across the front, what you didn't know was your "going away gift." The one you balled up and shoved in the top corner of his closet, at the time hoping you'd never look at it again. You're amazed that it's still here, that Bucky hadn't tossed it out or tried to give it back to you when he moved in.

So you put it on. You're still not sure why but you needed to wear it. To feel it drape over your skin, enveloping you in warmth and that beautiful clean familiar scent you... loved once. It sent a shiver down your spine. The knots in your stomach were gone but now there's one in your throat. You can feel the tears seated right behind your eyes. You sit on the bed holding your face pleading with the water to stay put but it's too late. You miss him. You hate to admit it, but it's true and it always has been. You're angry and you should be, you loved him- you thought he might've loved you. Pulling the hem of the shirt up you wipe the tears off your face and fall into a pillow, trying to calm yourself out of your rage unintentionally drifting into sleep.

*****************************************************

You wake up to the sound of music in the kitchen.

...Ah, now I don't hardly know her, but I think I could love her...

You sit up quickly checking your phone: 11:34am. You'd fallen asleep in Bucky's room, in his bed. A blanket had been placed over you and a short scan of the room returned a brown leather duffel bag and set of black boots that weren't present last night. He'd come back early this morning and found you here. You can feel your heart fall straight out of your ass, the void that was left being filled with pure embarrassment. Is he angry? He did tuck you in...

As slowly and quietly as possible you make your way towards the door, poking your head out just enough to assess the situation. You can see his back in the kitchen, he's hovering over the sink. You notice the couch, the spare blanket and pillow from the bathroom closet folded neatly on one of the arm rests, he had to sleep there. The void gets deeper. You pull the door open just enough to slip out of and there's a quiet creak. Steve never did fix that, and you just figured out why.

Bucky didn't turn around but definitely noticed. He steps to the side, now in front of the stove and you here something crack and sizzle. You're not sure what to do here. You can try to apologies and explain but there's no un-embarrassing way out of this one. You fold your arms over your stomach trying to hold all your very delicate pieces together while you attempt to speak up. Finally reaching the bar and fully prepared to say good morning when he quickly sets a hot bowl down in front of you. White rice and a fried egg- runny yolk. You'd make it for breakfast when you'd get up early or couldn't sleep, a friend from school put you on to it. Looks like he's been studying you too. You make eye contact but, just briefly. From what little of the expression you get on his face nothing indicates that he's mad. But he hasn't said anything to the contrary either.

How was your trip? Dangerous I bet-sorry you couldn't come home and sleep in your own goddamn bed! Oh?! AND you made me breakfast!

You feel like a crazy person.

"Comfy last night?"

He's pouring himself some coffee, not yet turning your way. There's no hostility in his voice.

You chuckle nervously.

"Yeah.. sorry about that."

"Don't worry about it."

He sets a small glass of juice down in front of you. Heavy eye contact this time, but his expression is soft. He didn't ask for an explanation and you really didn't want to give him one. But you still feel guilt looming over you. You take the glass in both hands and nurse it.

He nods at you with a squint, taking a big sip of coffee.

"If I knew that was yours I would've given it back."

The shirt. You forgot you actually put it on. You hold your breath stroking the fabric gently. Contemplating your next words.

"It's not- well, not really."

He raises an eyebrow.

"It was a gift, so I guess it does belong to me..."

Glancing back down at it you can see him realize it says "Brooklyn." His expression changes to a knowing one and it reads like regret but he quickly tries to box it back up for you. This is a new move for him.

There's a much longer pause in conversation than either of you would like before he shifts his weight awkwardly.

"Sorry."

You push glass, now empty back across the bar towards him.

"Don't worry about it-"

You swivel in your seat quickly, taking your bowl and getting up to leave. He steps out from the kitchen after you.

"Thanks for breakfast."

The tears had been welling up and started to pour over as you left. You're still in no state to pretend to be a functioning person right now. Trying to save him from your ugly cry face by escaping but he grabs your shoulder gently suggesting you backwards.

You cover your mouth to hush a sob. You can see your chest start heave but there's nothing you can do to stop yourself. He grabs the bowl setting it down carefully, then you feel a warm metal sensation squeezing the back of your neck.

"You don't have to be over it."

He's been back a couple hours and already knows you're still a mess. You scoff, laughing at yourself really.

"What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing."

He whispered back quickly, exasperated, but tender.

You sniffle; pathetic.

"That's not how it feels."

"He fucked up. He just doesn't know it."

He wrapped his arm around your shoulders pulling you into his embrace.

It's nice to feel another person. A real solid human being; you can't remember the last time you hugged someone like this. You turn in his arms to face him. He looks tired. Not just 'had-to-sleep-on-an-old-couch' tired. Emotionally repressed. Maybe he has actually wanted to talk to you. He pulls you into him, it's just a hug but it almost hurt how sweet this was.

Then a thought came to you, not really sure how, you can't handle more rejection right now; but you kissed him anyway, hard. Like him being gone almost killed you- because it did. He pulls away from you, just a little, reading your face his own expressionless. You search his eyes for any kind of hint as to what's going on inside his mind. You're not ready to admit this was a mistake yet. There's no real way to know how long you stood there like that. You only dare to move after you hear the song change in the background.

Words... thought they just fade away

but hurt... gave them a place to stay

"Do something."

You were sure it was just in your head but it creaked out past your lips in less than a whisper, pleading with him.

He covered your mouth with his, smoothing both hands down your neck to your shoulders gripping them gently, intently. You cling to his waist almost afraid to explore anywhere else, then slowly drag nails along his back. He pulls you back into him, you want to fuse with the warmth radiating off of his body, he bends and you collide onto the floor with a muffled thud. He cradles your head quickly so you don't get hurt but you wouldn't care at this point.

The way you fit into each other is unnerving, like your bodies weren't meant for anybody else. You both scramble to undress him in between breathy wet kisses and he's... magnificent. He pulls off his shirt and you swiftly run fingers from his neck down each arm. The metal one is warm, this surprises you for some reason. You watch as each "muscle" dances at your touch and you catch a small glimpse of something on his face that resembles insecurity... or fear. He shelves it quickly in response to you bucking your hips up to dismiss your underwear.

He buries his face in your neck, warm breaths ghosting your skin. Hooking his hands behind your knees he hoists your legs up around his waist. He bites down gently and you gasp. It's too much. He's everywhere, all at once. The last person to touch you event remotely close to this was-

"...Steve."

It just came out, you almost didn't notice it. Bucky stops, pulling back and away. He scans you, a pitiful, panting mess on the floor. The most vulnerable you've probably ever been and definitely in front of him. He shakes his head slowly once, chest heaving.

"No."

Knots line your stomach once again. He grabs your wrist to hold your arms in place up above your head and presses his forehead against yours.

"Look at me."

You hold eye contact there for a solid minute, you're sure of it. He leans forward delicately dragging teeth against your ear.

"You're gonna keep saying it until you can't forget."

He drops his hips and lines up with your entrance. You feel a thick wash of euphoria from the pressure, throwing your head back as much as possible given the floor. You roll your hips along to his, cradling each other perfectly.

His eyes didn't leave your face until you both feel your legs begin to tremble.

"Oh Bucky."

The only words you can remember.

You feel every stroke hasten and all his muscles tighten each time his name falls from your lips. He pulls your shirt up to your neck looking to spatter kisses and bite marks across your torso. You futilely dig one set of nails into the floor and the other in his shoulder as he hungrily growls into your stomach, cursing, longing for mercy.

"Fuck."

You pull him back up to your face demanding his tongue. You hear the floorboard creek from the pressure of a metal hand, the flesh one surely bruising your hip by now. There's a deep enduring moan from the back of his throat as he finds his release inside you. You gasp at the sensation and you both pant into each other, nothing but a mess on the floor now.

He presses a long, firm kiss into the bridge of your nose then falls gently on his back beside you. You roll your head up to look at his face, whatever it is he's feeling isn't immediately obvious as he stares up at the ceiling. You shift onto your side placing a light, cautious hand on his chest and he glances over at you, reaching to squeeze your thigh reassuringly.

The sky is Navy Blue soon to be baby blue and baby you got nothing but time...

He looks over your face in a deep sigh before retiring his gaze to the ceiling.

"I don't know him... The guy that left you like that."

You watch intently has his jaw clenched, he's never been able to hide that bit very well.

"I don't know what kind of..."

He trails off, clearly upset.

You sigh deeply.

"I was gonna die that night."

He rolls his head back to look at you.

"The day I met him? I had pretty much made up my mind."

You start to fiddle with the hem of your shirt. Almost reminiscent.

"But he found me in the staircase..."

You hate how subtly he did some things. If you weren't lying next to him. There's no way you'd ever be able to tell his breathing had changed.

"Essentially-"

You pick your head up, chin on his sternum.

"He saved my life."

You state matter of factually. You watch his body relax in a short, bitter way.

He rolls his head over just enough to look you in the eyes. You kiss his chest once tenderly before moving to stand up. You extend a hand down for him to grab.

"That isn't good for your back."

"You really think I didn't know?" Part1

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cloudylovemuses · 5 years

Text

All Of Me

Pairings:Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: lots of angst, depression low self esteem, cursing, but loads of fluff in the end I promise.

Summary: You are dealing with depression and sometimes your breakdowns were really bad. Although you never let anyone know or help you. Not even Bucky, your best friend and your crush. You loved him, but your head was so messing with you that whenever you got on a state like that you shut him out. But not this time.

Author's note: Well first of all, Hello everyone. I'm Nefeli, I'm a really messed up writer and a lazy one, they told me that I had a good writing, I never really believed them, but anyways I decided to write fanfiction about a year ago and these are the results. I hope you like it. I love feed back so feel free to comment. I love comments.

Anyway, I wrote this after my own breakdown when I just prayed for a Bucky to hold me on that state, 'cause ya know, I feel alone. Oh and now that I said alone, if you ever feel this way feel free to message me, I'll always be there for you, whatever it is I can listen.

I hope you like it, enjoy❤

It was one of these days. When your head was so fucked up and playing tricks on you. And you are so tired. So fucking tired.

Mentally and physically.

You just returned from a fucked up mission. Well, it was supposed to be an easy one. But no. No. You had to fuck everything up. You couldn't even had to look at the others to see their disappointed faces. You could feel them on you. Through the whole flight home you kept your head down. Not wanting to talk to anyone.

Not even Bucky.

Poor guy, tried desperately to talk to you and calm you down, but you refused to even look at him. He understood. From first hand knew that feeling. But he heard you. He heard your struggling heart beat. The little trembles and the small sobs, that were escaping your mouth.

When the quinjet landed, you run outside like there was no tomorrow. You needed to be at your room, immediately.

Bucky tried to come after you, Natasha and Steve stopping him from doing so, saying it was better to give you time. He didn't want to leave you alone on your dark times. He knew that you needed something, someone, to hold on. He had to find you. Be with you. Hold you.

You were on the floor, on the edge of the bed. Crying. Knees on your chest and hands hugging them tightly. Your room was so dark. So small. So lonely. You felt your breath cutting from your lungs when the voices came.

You hated them.

You couldn't think straight when they were talking so loud. Saying; you'll never be enough. You'll never be like them. They are gods. You are a nothing. You are just a pathetic stray that was peeked from the road. You. Are. Nothing.

"God, please stop." You tried to say between your sobs. It was pointless.

You will die alone. Don't expect them keeping you. They'll kick you out the next time you do something wrong. They'll leave you without even thinking about it. He would be with a burden less. He will be free from your petty ass. He will never love you. 'Cause who's looking at someone so broken? Who will give you a second glance. You. Are. A. NOTHING.

"Please. Oh god. Please stop" you silently cried again, keeping your head between your knees.

You believed them. Them voices were so convincing. You believed every word they said. You couldn't get them out of your mind. You couldn't let the team see you weak, so you couldn't tell them about it.

Only Bucky knew. He've seen you. In one really stressful mission that was too far from home. He had hold you, after you told him a thousand times no, he had hold you. He didn't judged you. He just held you until you fell asleep. Oh, it was the most peaceful sleep you've ever had. In his arms, you felt safe.

The knock at your door scared you and you shot your head up.

"Doll, can I please come in?" Bucky. Ohh Buck. I wish I could let you in. You thought to your self.

He'll pity you. Don't let him in.

"Go away!" You shouted, half hearted.

"Sweetheart, you know I won't leave if you don't open the door." He said, tapping slightly the door.

"Buck, please leave." Your voice was so weak. He thanked god that he had enchanted hearing, to hear your small and tired voice.

"Doll, please I need to know you'll alright. And I'm pretty sure you're not. Please. Let me help you." You could hear the worry in his voice.

Those damn voices told you to stay were you are. But you didn't want to. You wanted him. You needed him.

Slow steps opened his eyes wide. A little hope hiding behind them. And then you opened the door and his heart stopped. You were still on your bloodstained suit. Hair still dirty. And your eyes... Oh those pretty eyes, that he so loved were full of pain. And your pretty face tearstained, lips and eyes puffy from crying.

He immediately pulled you in his arms. He had taken a bath. You smelled his shampoo and the fresh washed T-shirt. Steve had to push him in the bathroom so he would take a bath. When he just wanted to be with you.

A metal arm on your back and one on your head, keeping it close to his heart. He kissed multiple times the top of your head, saying soothing words to calm you down. Your hands were around his waist holding him close, not wanting to let go, crying.

You couldn't keep yourself on your feet and you fell on your knees. He followed you. Keeping you close.

"I'm right here sweetheart. I'm not letting you go." He whispered in your ear.

You don't know how much time had passed, but you stopped crying and you rose your head to face him. He smiled down at you softly.

"Do you want to take a bath and then go to bed? I know you don't want to talk about it yet. We can talk in the morning. Take a walk or just stay here. Whatever you want. Just please, let me help you bath and take you to bed." He quietly said, pushing some hair out of your face.

You wanted to cry again. He was so sweet and kind. You thought you didn't deserve his kindness. But you couldn't deny him. So you just nodded.

He took your hand in his and guide you to the bathroom. He filled the tub with hot water, just how you like it. He put your favorite bath bomb and let you undress your self. Your movements were really slow. You didn't had the strength to do it more quickly.

He heard you struggling to get in the bath. He turned and gave you a hand to hold on, his gaze never leaving your eyes. You settled in and he started washing your hair.

You felt so numb. You couldn't even lift your gaze to see the loving emotions his eyes hid when he washed your hair. He then started washing your body. Taking his time on all the places you got hurt. From small scratches on your hand, to the big wound on your stomach. He took his time on your scars from old battles. He took his time at your numb hands, that were hanging on each side of your body. He took his time at your tired legs, that were so bruised from the fighting. He took his time at the curves of your body, that you always said how you so hated them.

He did this to show you how much he loved you. How much every single thing on your body was perfect.

You couldn't understand him. You couldn't understand why he did it.

The water got cold and dirty. He helped you get out of the bath and gave you some underwear and one of his T-shirts. You raised your head, a questionable look on your face.

"I didn't want to dig on your clothes, and I brought you one of my shirts. The underwear were out of your closet. I hope you don't mind." He softly said and you shook your head.

He must had left when you were undressing, you thought and changed on his shirt.

He took one towel and dried your hair a little and then took your hand in his again. He took you to your bed and tackled you in.

"Goodnight, Doll" he whispered and kissed your forehead. He tried to leave, but you pulled his hand.

"Please, stay with me. I don't want to be alone." you said and his heart broke. He gently pushed you further in bed and laid beside you. He pulled you closer to him and putted your head on his chest. Flesh hand drawing circles on your back. Metal arm rubbing gently your hand, that was spread on his stomach. It felt like you were doing this for years. It felt normal. And you felt peaceful. Relaxed. Your eyes started to close, more and more and soon sleep found you curled up together.

The next morning he woke up first. He spent some time admiring you. Your beautiful face. He wanted to keep that picture forever. Your peaceful pretty face right next to his. Legs tangled together and hands holding each other close. He could get used to this. He wanted to wake up every day like this. With you by his side, hugging and kissing him the way you did on your sleep. You had kissed his neck while trying to get further on his hold and he swore it was the best thing that happened in his life and that his heart had left his body right then and there.

You slowly opened your eyes and saw him staring at you. "You're staring" you lightly laughed at him and his just shrugged "I guess I'm enjoying the view" he smirked down at you and you giggled, blushing like crazy.

"How are you feeling?" He asked stroking your cheek. "I think I'm good. Better than yesterday. Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me, doll."

"But I want to. And to thank you more actively, I'll make you breakfast. What do you say?" You smiled at him.

"Doll, you don't have to" he said already defeat in his voice.

"Yes, I do!" Yes you did. You needed distraction from last nights events, and baking was just perfect.

You stood up and dragged him with you in the kitchen. He groaned not wanting to leave bed, but your sweet laugh woke him up.

The kitchen was empty, a note on the fridge saying that half of the team was on a mission and other half didn't want to be woken up. Bucky took it as an opportunity to do something more to light up your mood and show you how much you mean to him.

You had started making the pancakes and you suddenly stopped to listen to the song that started playing.

"What would I do without your smart mouth. Drawing me in, and you kicking me out. Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can't pin you down."

All of me.

You turned around to see Bucky with an extended hand to you. You took it and he pulled you closer to him and started to sway both of you to the rhythm. You hugged him close, keeping your head on his chest. You hadn't realized that he had started to sing the lyrics quietly.

You rose your head and locked your eyes on his. Tears were already falling from your eyes. He meant it.

All of it.

"What's going on in that beautiful mind. I'm on your magical mystery ride. And I'm so dizzy, don't know what hit me, but I'll be alright."

You slightly smiled and didn't know what to do. He was meaning every single word he sang. You knew he meant it. You saw it in his eyes. Oh those beautiful grey-blue orbs said everything you wanted to know.

"Love your curves and all your edges. All your perfect imperfections."

He always said that to you. How your curves and stretch marks made you beautiful. You were just perfect to him. Even the smallest scar that you hated it, he loved it and made sure to show you that he did.

"How many times do I have to tell you.

Even when you're crying you're beautiful too. The world is beating you down, I'm around through every move."

He had told you before, while a movie night when you had started sobbing on an emotional scene "don't look at me, I don't want you to see me like that" you had told him hiding your face, "why? I think you look beautiful" and those god damn butterflies had a whole ass party on your belly.

"My head's under water. But I'm breathing fine. You're crazy and I'm out of my mind."

He couldn't imagine what he might thought, when you never answered him while you had your anxiety attacks or your breakdowns. He was out of his mind for believing in me you thought.

"Cards on the table, we're both showing hearts. Risking it all, though it's hard."

You where still swaying on the rhythm, when you looked up at him finding him staring at your eyes, and he broke the silence. "I love you doll, I love you so freaking much. I can't think of you dealing with this all alone. Knowing that I could help you. Be there for you. I don't want you to be alone. I want to be with you. Helping you. Holding you. Loving you. I love you."

Happy tears filled your eyes. your hands left his waist and went on his chest, standing on your tiptoes you brought your lips almost on his and whispered "I love you too". You had said it so quietly that he thought he imagined it, but when your lips met his, the whole ground got lost under his feet. His lips were soft and danced with yours perfectly, it was like you were doing this forever.

You smelt smoke and you broke away "Oh my god the pancakes" you shouted and pulled away from his embrace and turned to the stove. He laughed and you felt strong arms hugging you from behind, while you removed the burned pancakes, you smiled and bit your lip when you felt a kiss on your neck.

It felt so good. So normal. Like you meant to do this, every day. And you wanted to. You hoped to.

#bucky barnes x reader #bucky x reader #marvel #all of me #natasha romanoff #steve rogers #reader insert #reader #you #bucky x you

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