#ill be doing it for real tonight i just forgot after work yesterday
Note
A new prompt for you! (Finally :3)
I'm picturing multiple couples or a family group (4+ adults) who share a cottage together in the middle of nowhere, living off the land. Winter is coming, bringing with it its chill winds and early dustings of snow. The people are hard at work every day, chopping wood and putting aside the last of the food for winter.
It's the worst possible time to get sick, yet someone does, coming down with a miserable, streaming cold and high fever. What do they do about it? How do the others respond?
Could have definite cottage core elements, or fantasy (since you're so good at writing that!) or contagion if you choose. Can't wait to see the results :)
It’s been so long since I’ve written a real, honest to god fic, so this will be my debut back into snzfucker favor!
Okay, okay, who to include in this house of contagion?
We need a soft healer boi that takes care of everyone before themselves, of course. A very strong, stoic, hardworking warrior with muscles of steel - but the same can’t be said for his immune system. A hyper comic relief (like if Scout from TF2 was in a fantasy setting) that insists he isn’t sick, but can’t keep back his sneezes long enough to prove his point. And, of course, a tall, thin scholar whose cold heart is only melted by his fever.
Adventurers packing it in for the winter and preparing for journeying in the spring, now only at most a few yards from each other and having shot immune systems from the exhausting work. Illness doesn’t have to travel far to infect…
Oh, this is gonna be good.
***********************
“Look look look! Otto, you’re not gonna believe this!”
Barlow skidded to a halt, almost tripping over his own two feet before regaining his balance. Otto chuckled.
“Alright, alright, que pasa? What is so exciting?”
Barlow fumbled with his cloak before pulling a shiny coin out of one of the pockets.
“I got this off a path when I was pickin’ berries! Must’ve been a merchant or something…”
Barlow’s eyes suddenly lit up.
“Or maybe a warrior! Ooh, or a knight! Definitely somebody with a cape.”
He flung the back of his cloak behind him and stood tall, crossing his arms with a self-satisfied grin. However, Barlow couldn’t keep the pose long - the frigid air made him close the thin burlap around himself again, shivering. Otto knitted their brow.
“You’re wearing your summer cloak,” they said, looking Barlow up and down. “You must be freezing, chiquito!”
Barlow waved his hand, as if batting away Otto’s concern.
“Don’t worry about it, doc. It’s gonna take more than a little wind to get me down.”
As if to prove a point, he spread out his arms and spun around, laughing at the many leaves he kicked up.
Otto would usually be charmed by the sprite’s antics, but their concern soon outweighed their amusement.
“Just make sure to change into your winter clothes soon, okay? I would hate for you to get sick.”
Barlow stopped spinning, coughing a bit as he caught his breath with chilly autumn air. His hot breath clouded around his face like smoke.
“Okay, okay,” he panted, “I’ll grab it when I go by the cottage. Forgot my basket anyway. See you around, doc.”
With a quick salute, Barlow ran off, cloak billowing behind him, still clenching the coin in a tight fist. Otto shook their head and sighed. They knew that Barlow just didn’t want them to worry - but that only made them worry more. The healer in them couldn’t help but notice red-tipped fingers, congested voices, and pallid complexions. Besides, with a harsh winter underway, a cold could very quickly rear its ugly head, turning into bronchitis, pneumonia, and even infect a person’s magic…
Otto took a deep breath. Their thoughts had run away with them - and now, more than ever, it was important to stay focused.
The doctor gathered up their scrolls, pulled their coat close, and started back to the cottage.
Perhaps a little tea would calm their nerves.
***************
“it’CHEW! CHEW!”
“Salud.”
“Ugh…thanks, doc. Snf!”
Otto looked up from his knitting to see Barlow rubbing his long, pointy ears with a pained look on his face.
“Do your ears hurt?”
Barlow put his hands in his lap. “No! Just, uh, a little itchy.”
Severin, who had been reading on the sofa across from Otto, hid a smirk behind the yellowed pages.
“Someone must be talking about you,” he drawled smugly. “Considering the way you conduct yourself, I’m not surprised.”
Instead of snapping back, Barlow still scratched at his ears. Severin slit his eyes and continued to read. He almost seemed disappointed.
“Could be thragweed,” Godric rumbled from a large wooden stool, rubbing his beard in thought, “but they usually shrivel up by the first frost. Didja see any three-leaved plants while you were out foragin’?”
Barlow shrugged, wincing as he rubbed harder. “Um…maybe?”
Otto frowned. “Be careful. You’ll hurt yourself if you keep scratching like that.”
“S-sorry, I…huh-hold on…”
Barlow buried himself in his cloak, with only his mop of red hair showing.
“hit’SHEW! Huh…it’TCHEW!”
The sprite continued to let out sneeze after sneeze, his wrinkled, pink nose only showing when he needed to come up for air. Otto got up from their chair, and they were soon holding him by the shoulders to keep him from knocking himself over.
Barlow finally finished, snuffling into his sleeve. He looked up at Otto with bleary eyes.
“Sorry, doc, I don’d dow whad’s gotten into be…”
Otto hushed him with a gentle pat, using their free hand to feel Barlow’s forehead. They clucked their tongue.
“Oh, mijo, you have a fever...”
Barlow’s breath caught, and he coughed into his shoulder. “Nah, I…I’b okay, Otto, really. I’ll be…snrk…fide in the morning. Just gotta sleep it off…”
Otto smiled gently. “Well, you’re right about one thing. A good night’s sleep is exactly what you need. And maybe a little salve for your poor ears…”
Their hand still on Barlow’s shoulder, Otto guided the sprite to his bedroom, mumbled protests and miserable sneezes trailing behind them.
***************
Barlow’s fever never grew very high - his burning ears and nose, however, kept him up for most of the night. By the time morning came, he was too exhausted to even feign health. Otto had to put him back to bed, which was only met with pitiful murmurings.
“‘M fide, doc, I…hetch’CHIIIEW!”
“Pobrecito! You sound even worse than yesterday…”
“C’mon, Otto, I…”
“I don’t want to see you out of bed today, okay, cariño? You need to rest.”
“Nngh…”
Otto and Severin split the foraging work, since their respective jobs were mostly planning and budgeting the winter ahead of them. Godric promised to keep a good eye on the patient, but that didn’t lessen the doctor’s worry any.
“I wonder how Barlow’s doing,” Otto murmured, probably for the umpteenth time since they’d begun their work.
Severin scrutinized his severely pricked thumb. “Children always carry around such nasty things. It’s a wonder he hasn’t caught the plague instead of a simple cold.”
Otto froze mid-pick, and Severin hurried to correct himself.
“Peace, my friend. It is just a cold, after all.
He grimaced.
“One I dearly hope he keeps to himself.”
They both continued to fill their baskets with berries, wiping the frost off their shiny, black skins. However, Otto’s mind continued to race.
I shouldn’t have left him. Godric only knows so much. What happens if his fever spikes? I’m a healer, I’m not supposed to leave the sick behind. Should I go back? I should go back. No, I promised Barlow I’d get his foraging done. But I can’t keep a promise if he’s dead. What if he’s already dead? What if Godric’s on his way right now to tell me? What if I’m already too late? How will we bury him, the ground is too hard. Otto, your friend has died and all you can think about is how to bury him. You must be the most selfish -
“Otto.”
Otto snapped back to reality to see Severin giving him a fierce side-eye.
“It’s only a cold.”
Otto took a deep breath. “Right. Gracias. I…I lost myself, didn’t I?”
The afternoon went by in a quiet fervor, both of them trying to fill their baskets before the sun went down. With Otto’s quick fingers and Severin’s thin ones, it was an easy job, and the managed to get back before it got too dark.
Otto wasn’t two steps through the door before they were at Godric’s heels, wringing their hands and stammering through the worries that had built up through the day.
“Are you sure…how…did he…should I…?”
The warrior just chuckled and put a gigantic, calloused hand on the their head.
“He’s on tha’ mend, doc, on the mend. Sneezin’ his head off, sure, but gettin’ better.”
As if on cue, two loud sneezes interrupted them from one of the bedrooms, followed by a mumbled curse and a few wet sniffles. Godric shook his head.
“Been like that all day, poor tyke. When he wasn’ dozin’ off, tha’ is.”
Severin took a few scrolls out of his dragon-scale satchel.
“I understand you have a more…pressing engagement. Why don’t I take the calculations tonight?”
But Otto was already on their way to Barlow’s bedside, medicine bag in tow. Severin only lifted his eyebrows and turned on his heel, setting up the many notes he had taken and a few quills on the oaken table.
“Besides,” he murmured to himself, “I don’t want to get near whatever affliction that sprite’s come down with.”
*************
Barlow was scratching at his drooping ears, which were now covered in a red, peeling rash. Otto gently pushed his hands back under the quilt.
“I know it itches, but you need to try not to scratch.”
The healer took a small glass container out of their bag, dipping two fingers into the greenish-gray ointment inside. They began to apply the salve to Barlow’s ears, taking care not to put on too much.
“Tell me when you need a break,” Otto said.
Barlow nodded, eyes squeezed shut. After a few minutes, his nostrils started to twitch, and he held up a hand.
“G-gudda…huh…!”
He jerked forward into his knees.
“hit’CHEW! hhhit’SHEW! Uh…hut’SHIEW!”
Barlow snuffled into the quilt, and Otto handed him a tissue.
“Salud.”
“Ugh…sorry, doc…”
Otto put the cork back into the glass bottle and set it on the bedside table.
“It’s alright - most sprites have the same reflex.”
“No, I beant…for…”
Barlow bit his lip, his ears drooping even lower.
“For geddin’ sick.”
Otto put a hand on the sprite’s back.
“Oh, mijo…”
“I-I didn’d mean to,” Barlow whimpered. “I…I should’ve god by coat like you told be to…and dow w-we’re - hic - gudda starve…”
Otto hushed him, pulling Barlow into an embrace and rocking him slowly back and forth.
“We will be fine, mijo,” they whispered, their voice soothing Barlow into a sniffle. “We will forage until you are better, and not a day before. That is what friends do. They protect each other, they take care of each other, and they love each other like family. And that is how I love you. Like my family.”
Barlow hiccuped, trying to speak through his tears.
“Shhh, mijo…it’s okay…”
Otto wrapped the quilt tighter around Barlow and laid him down, pushing hair damp with both tears and sweat out of his face. The sobs quieted, then dissolved into shaky breaths. Before Otto even made it through the doorway, they could hear small, congested snores coming from the pile of blankets.
*****************
Scritch scritch scritch…scriiiitch…
Harried quill scratching filled the air as Otto entered the living room, putting on their tweed coat and wool gloves. They stretched out their arms.
“Buenos días!”
Godric lifted his coffee mug as a greeting, his famous half-smile dancing over his lips.
“Well, aren’tcha bright as tha’ north star this mornin’!”
Otto beamed. Barlow had slept soundly through the night, and he was still fast asleep when they had checked on him. Not a sniffle or a sneeze came from that room.
“Severin, I was thinking we could pick up acorns today,” Otto thought aloud, buttoning their coat. “There is a beautiful place in the forest…”
Silence. The quill scratching only grew more manic. Otto glanced up.
Severin was hunched over the table, writing madly on several open scrolls, only pausing to move a few beads on his abacus. Otto went back to getting ready. Sometimes it took a while for Severin to answer if he was engrossed in his calculations. He would respond when he got to a stopping point.
After about fifteen minutes of fidgeting with their scarf, though, Otto tried again.
“From what I’ve seen, we should be ready for winter in a week, maybe less. All that’s left is the dried vegetables and a few more logs for firewood.”
Again, there was no answer. But now that Otto was a little closer, they could see why.
Severin’s eyes were inflamed and painful, as were his gaunt cheeks. His long, usually well-preened hair was matted against his forehead, with stray hairs sticking up this way and that. Thin shoulder blades came together with each labored breath. Long fingers shivered around a red quill, leaving stray marks on the parchment.
“Mi sombro,” Otto breathed.
The shadowling blinked, raising his head stiffly. Pools of sweat, shaken loose by the movement, streaked down their face.
“I…couldn’t sleep,” Severin croaked. “Have I…have I been awake…?”
Godric looked up from his mug, finally noticing the sorcerer’s state. “Stars above, lad! Ya look like hell frozen over!”
The shadowling stared straight ahead, his breath coming in ragged strains.
“Could someone…please put out the fireplace…?”
Otto clucked their tongue, putting their hands on either side of Severin’s neck. His dark eyes fluttered shut, as if with great relief.
“Mm…”
“Ay, tu cabeza,” Otto cooed, putting their hand on Severin’s forehead. “You’re burning up.”
Severin finally looked down at the doctor. His tense gaze was now dazed, vulnerable - even afraid.
“I couldn’t sleep,” he said again, hoarsely.
Otto rubbed their thumb on Severin’s feverish cheek. “I know, cariño. I know.”
***************
It took a lot more doing to get Severin to bed than it did Barlow. Not only did he insist he was perfectly well, only warm from the unlit fireplace, but that he had seen terrifying visions outside the window.
“Their eyes, doctor…they stared into my very essence…a…a beast of some kind…we’ll be killed…”
“Shhh, my love. It’s only a nightmare from your fever. You will feel better soon.”
In the end, the only way Otto could leave the cottage was by taking a small talisman Severin had in his cloak. They weren’t superstitious, but Otto wanted to do anything they could to put the sick sorcerer at ease.
Now with one less healthy person in the group, Otto rushed to get the last of the supplies for the cold winter ahead. The first snowflakes were beginning to fall, which made finding acorns that much more difficult. Before the sun reached its peak, the ground was completely covered in a thin layer of snow. But, for once, Otto’s anxiety was an advantage.
They plowed through every task as if their life depended on it. Another of their friends falling ill had kicked their healer instinct into high gear; whenever they were fatigued or sore, all it took was a few words of the healing oath to get them going again.
“From the monsters of the cave, of the sea, of the heart,” they whispered while peeling wild wolf onions, “I shall protect and provide for those who cannot.”
As morning turned to afternoon, the light flurry of the morning became a bitter gale that howled through the trees like a hungry animal. The world was silent except for the frigid wind - all the creatures of the forest knew well enough that the winter ahead would not be kind to them.
But Otto knew nothing of this.
And so they marched forward.
It was quite past dark when Otto returned to the cottage. Much to their delight, a fire was flickering in the fireplace, and a wonderful, familiar smell lingered in the air - a mixture of tender meat and spices.
As Otto had hoped, there was a pot of stew left over the flames. The broth still bubbled with warmth, and the chicken and vegetables gave off a heavenly steam. Their stomach suddenly felt very hollow.
They hadn’t eaten all day, had they?
With raw fingers, the doctor tried their best to use the ladle, which was as big as their entire arm and weighed twice as much. Gripping the handle with both hands, they brought the brew to their lips, taking care not to burn their tongue.
A beautiful, soothing flavor poured down Otto’s throat. They leaned their head back and closed their eyes, making sure to drink up every last tasty morsel. It was a long time before the ladle was empty again.
Once they were finished, the healer felt a heaviness collect around their eyes. Finally, at long last, they could rest. The cottage was fast asleep - and now it was time for Otto to follow suit.
Sleep came upon Otto too quickly for them to retire to their own bed. Like a hound after a successful hunt, they crawled onto the sofa and curled into a ball, dead to the world before their head hit the soft cushions.
*******************
Otto wasn’t sure how long they slept. They remembered bits and pieces of dreams, of words, or memories - but mostly a comforting darkness that lulled them into a deep drowse.
When they finally awoke, the first thing they saw was the flitting of the fire. The flame had all but burned itself out during the night. Otto rolled over, stretching and sighing with satisfaction. That was the best they had slept in several days.
They indulged themselves in a large yawn and shifted off the sofa, cringing from cold stone against their bare feet.
The cottage was still silent with sleep - not a thing stirred but the creaks and groans of the wooden beams. A frigid wind had picked up outside, and bits of snow swirled in the air.
How cold Godric must be this morning, Otto thought as they padded towards the hallway. The warrior was always up and working by first light - quite before anyone else was awake - but came back inside to drink some hot coffee and see how the preparations were going. Godric made a strong cup of coffee. One could smell it and be ready for a new day; that’s usually all most could stand without sputtering.
Today, however, there was no earthy aroma of it brewing. All Otto could smell was a hint of the stew they had eaten the night before - the husk of a beautiful, delicious dream.
The doctor peeked his head into Barlow’s room. The sprite was laying on his stomach, eyes closed and breath soft. Though they had been feeling better for the past day or so, Barlow’s nose frequently ran away with him, and was still very pink and sensitive. His upright ear twitched ever so slightly, but there was no sign of him stirring any time soon.
Severin, on the other hand, had fared much worse. Despite the many wet rags coating almost every inch of his febrile body, his breathing was still heavy and labored, and his eyes darted under closed eyelids. Bite marks covered cracking lips. Otto made sure they made little noise as they tiptoed from the doorway. Severin needed all the rest he could get.
Otto turned from his patients, a familiar heaviness weighing upon their heart. Such misery in what was supposed to be a warm season of reaping and feasting.
Perhaps it came back with them from market, or from the many travelers that take the nearby road into town. With how hard everyone had been working, and how many nights were left unslept…
Otto massaged the bridge of their nose, dashing from one possibility to the next, feeling more and more ashamed by how little they prepared, how stupid they must have been, how utterly selfish! They had been so busy with preparations that they had barely noticed that their journeymates were wasting away!
They could have done something. This was all their fault, wasn’t it? How could they be a healer if they couldn’t even keep the ones they loved safe?
Otto was roused from their guilt by the sound of harsh coughing. They peeked their head into the past two rooms, fearing that one of them had been awakened by their footsteps. However, both of them were still out cold. Or out warm, in Severin’s case.
No, the coughing wasn’t coming from their rooms, Otto realized. It was coming from the third bedroom - the one that they and Godric shared.
The door creaked open as Otto shuffled inside, already knowing the worst was yet to come.
“Doc? Is tha’ you?”
Godric was sitting up in bed, quilt wrapped around him, his chest heaving with another hacking fit. His cheeks were flushed with effort and fever. Otto went to his bedside, their heart dropping into their stomach.
“Real nice ‘a this cold to leave the healer last, eh?” the warrior joked before laying back down with a quiet groan.
Otto pushed the hair off Godric’s neck and felt his lymph nodes, which were not only hot, but terribly swollen.
“I can chop those few pieces ‘a wood, an’ then I’ll-”
“You are not getting out of this bed,” Otto said sternly. Then, with a kinder tone, “I know you want to finish your work, but you are very sick. You shouldn’t be out in the snow.”
“But how-”
“I will take care of it, cariño. Just rest.”
Godric opened his mouth to say something else, but just coughed and covered himself up with his quilt.
“Take care of yerself, doc,” he said before Otto went to check on the others. “There isn���t anythin’ I can’t do after I’m back on m’feet.”
***************
Between taking care of three sick creatures and the final preparations, Otto ran themselves ragged over the next few days. None of their friends were particularly hard to take care of - especially after Severin’s fever broke - but the heaviness of their heart continued to weigh upon them.
With no other options, they threw themselves into work.
If they chopped enough wood for an extra week, they chopped enough wood for two extra weeks. The larder was more than full. Their fingers and hands and back and everything else was sore, but they couldn’t stop for long without feeling their guilt gnaw away at them.
One frigid morning, Otto had taken to the axe, splitting wood and putting them in the shed to keep them dry. They had run out of pre-cut trunks a long time ago, so they started cutting sticks in half for kindling. Out of the corner of their eye, mid-swing, they saw a figure marching through the snow - lifting their foot high before stomping it down again with a crunch.
After a few minutes, Otto could finally see a pair of long ears fluttering in the cold wind.
“Barlow!”
The sprite grinned as he approached Otto, holding up a steaming container of something in his mittened hands.
“I got soup!” he called out, trying to move faster in the deep snow. “Godric felt a lot better today, so he wanted to try somethin’ new. It’s real good! Even Severin ate a whole bowl of it, so you know it’s gotta be great.”
Barlow sat next to the chopping block, and patted a mound of snow next to him. Otto sat down, wincing as their sore muscles twinged.
“Godric says we’re all packed up for winter,” Barlow continued as he handed Otto the food. “And we’ll even have stuff to eat in the spring, too.”
Otto didn’t answer, but tucked into the soup, not even blowing it off before putting the spoon in their mouth. Barlow thought for a little bit, then spoke again.
“Doc, Godric told me that we got more than enough food and wood to last through the winter. If you wanna come inside, we’ve got a checker game goin’…”
Otto didn’t respond, but they had started to shiver from the cold. Barlow took of his coat and draped it around Otto’s shoulders.
“C’mon, let’s get back. Everybody’s waitin’ for us.”
Barlow took Otto by the hand and pulled them up, then led them back towards the cottage. Otto trailed behind like a quivering lamb, both exhausted and numb. They couldn’t think of much else than putting one foot in front of the other.
When the pair finally got back to the cottage, a warm, cozy scene awaited them. Severin was on the couch, doing needlepoint with half-open eyes and content look on his face. Godric was above the stove, stirring a pot and putting one seasoning or another into it. The fire was blazing in a lovely orange hue that painted the scene with a beautiful glow.
While Barlow went right inside and was greeted by the others, Otto stood in the doorway, weary eyes closed, soaking up the light and warmth as much as they could.
“Doctor?”
Severin was up now, his quiet wisdom regained. Before Otto could answer, the sorcerer started to remove their soaked outer layers with quick fingers.
“If Barlow didn’t bring you here,” Severin said, “you would have worked yourself to a frozen skeleton.”
Otto suddenly jerked his head to the side.
“het’TCH! TCH! TCH’UH!”
“Many blessings, doctor.”
Severin smiled and tilted his head.
“Many, many blessings.”
Otto sniffled, rubbing their nose with stiff fingers.
“Nngh…gracias. Just a little…heh…htch’CHU!”
“Aye, I don’ like tha’ sound of that,” Godric rumbled from the kitchen, turning his head to see the sickly healer.
Otto waved their hand. “Just a li-hih-ttle sdiffle…”
“One that is long overdue, I think,” Severin said, putting the last of their wet things away.
Otto was ushered in front of the fire, still at the mercy of his nose. With each sneeze came a chorus of blessings and, if need be, another handkerchief.
“That’s a real nasty cold, huh?” Barlow commented after a particularly forceful fit. “Even I didn’t sneeze that much.”
As the day came to a close, the group all gathered on the couch, listening to the wind howling outside and treating themselves to Godric’s famous roast and sweet apple tea. Otto didn’t eat very much, but the hot tea soothed their sore throat.
“Tank you for taking such good care of be,” Otto snuffled.
Godric chuckled. “Ya care so much about us, doc. It only makes sense that we’s care an awful lot about you, ‘specially when ya aren’t feelin’ well.”
“And after you tended so well to us, may I add,” Severin said, leaning his head back.
“Yeah!” Barlow agreed, not exactly as good with words as the others, but still just as thankful.
Otto, overcome, buried their face in Godric’s side and began to cry, letting out everything that they had felt in the past few days. They wanted to stop, they wanted to explain, but it was lost in desperate sobs and hiccuping. Godric held them closer to him while the others offered quiet support until the doctor quieted.
“There ya go,” Godric said, putting a large hand on Otto’s head. “It’s gonna be alright.”
Filled with comfort and warm food, Otto quickly dozed off, and the others weren’t far behind. The only sounds were the falling of fresh snow, the crackling of the fireplace, and the snores of deep, contented sleep.
And, as winter finally settled into Harbinger Woods, they all settled down for their long winter’s rest.
******************
Not only do I want to dedicate this to @perfectpaperbluebirds , who gave me the prompt, but also @sneezytomatosquish , who has been feeling emotionally and physically under the weather lately. That may have changed by the time this fic is finished, but I shall gift it to you anyway. You are one of my favorite creators, but I want to create something for you for a change. You deserve it.
Get well soon!
#snzfic#snz#snz kink#snzblr#snz things#snzario#snez kink#snezblr#snz art#snezario#snz scenario#whump#whump stuff#whump fic#whump prompt#whump writing#whumpblr#whump blog#emotional whump#whump drabble#whumpee
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Obey me! The passing of time
Plot: One by one, the brothers start to notice how Mc changes as time goes by.
Warning: None that I can think of
Word Count:2480 words
*********************************
It started slow, very slow. You never noticed, of course you didn't. For you, this was something entirely normal but for the demons, it wasn't. After all, they could live for millenniums without suffering much but a cold but... for a human well... that's another story.
So no, you didn't notice as you grew older and started to look older, but the brothers certainly did.
The first one to notice was Asmodeus. The two of you were in one of those intense cuddling sessions; while he stroked your hair, he suddenly noticed a white hair. It made him froze in an instant.
Aging
It was such a slow process for them, for demons, angels and alike. But for humans, humans didn't even have a fraction of a demons life span. They all knew it. Humans were so fragile that even sleeping in a wrong position could hurt them. Yet, here you were. A human, surrounded by demons and still being able to hold your self with such confidence, sometimes even he forgot you were not one of them. Nevertheless, here you were mortal. Because you were human after all.
Asmodeus stared at your sleeping face, so peaceful... It made his heart ache, how has he gotten so close to you? To appreciate you as much as he does? To cherish you, to adore you...to love you? That night, he vowed to make the best of the time you two spend together. Occasionally, you noticed his sad face while painting your nails... but you never mentioned it.
The next one to notice was Belphegor; you usually napped together after classes every day, to get your energy up. However, he started to notice unusual sleeping patterns, the way you slept less at night and more during the day. At first, he thought it was probably Leviathan keeping you awake while gaming at night or watching some anime, but when Levi made a comment about you not connecting in a few days it sunk in.
He had researched human aging once, not because he cared or any deeper reason. He was just curious. He read that getting older, for some people, implied changes in their sleep routine. After that, he started noticing how tired you were often, the black circles underneath your eyes.
Ever since that day, he found himself thinking of Lilith, death, and mortality. Why? There wasn't any real reason, but just something in his heart that made him remember of how long ago his time at the Celestial Realm was every time he looked at you.
Ever since that, Belphie makes sure you go to bed at a reasonable hour, and even uses just a little of his demon powers to make sure you get enough sleep, and if sometimes he stayed awake just to look at you sleep... well that was for him to know and for you to never find out.
Next, was Lucifer. You both had fallen into a kind of routine; you would help him organize papers and such, nothing too important, just to help him around with minor stuff. Today was one of those days. He was looking at some papers and he gave you the ones that weren’t so important to either categorize or to dispose of. He lifted his gaze from the papers for just one second and noticed that something was off. The scene before him… it wasn't quite right. Maybe it was the fact that you had been looking at the same paper for 4 minutes trying to figure out where it belongs, or how your figure seemed... smaller for some reason.
As he stared at you, he suddenly remembered something. The Exchange Program you had participated in ended a while ago, but you had chosen to stay with them. He tied the knots by figuring that, yes, some time had passed since then and it was normal you didn't look the same. So, he kept reading a paper but then realization hit him…. the exchange program ended more than 15 years ago.
It cut him like a knife. It felt like yesterday you had just gotten into the Devildom and now... it had been more than 15 years. For him, it felt like nothing, but for you, a mere human, it must feel like a lifetime ago. Lucifer put the paper down, and suggested you two went out for dinner that night.
You found it odd, but not unwelcomed, and if this started to become a habit between the two... well you sure were not going to question it.
Then, it was Satan the one who noticed. You were reading with him, when he saw you struggling to read some words. You kept shuffling the book closer and then further from you, making weird faces and sighing in frustration. He put it down as you not being particularly interested in that book. So he suggested that the two of you took a break and watched the new episode of a detective show they were airing.
However, it kept happening every time you read together. So, one day Satan surprised you with a trip to the human world… but for medical reasons, he took you to an oculist. While waiting for you, he was reading a book, and he saw an old person walk by him. He then looked at the book and the first word his eyes saw hurt him.
Death
He read around thousands of books explaining humans. From the way their minds worked on a psychological and biological way, to the way a human’s body rotted after dead. Quite fascinating, but the thought of that happening to you... made him land from his fantasyland. Once you came out you, to no one's surprise, announced that you needed reading glasses, he only smiled and told you to pick whatever style you preferred. As you looked around and asked for his opinion on the glasses, Satan noticed another thing.
Even if you were getting older, your spirit was still the same. And that made him smile genuinely. Afterwards, he seemed to be more and more interested in your health and stuff like that, you really didn't question it, your memory was already bad, so it was not bad to have someone remind you to take your vitamins.
Beelzelbub has been sneaking into the kitchen every night of his long life. But specifically, tonight he sneaked into the kitchen and found you, bent over the counter with just a glass of water. He smiled and asked if you were also hungry, but you shook your head, explaining that the dinner you had eaten earlier made your stomach ache and you just wanted some water.
Beelzelbub stared in confusion, after all it was not often food made him feel ill. But lately, this has been something that happened to you a lot. He figured his midnight snack could wait and gave you a hug, hoping it will make you feel better. You smiled and hugged him back, resting against him.
You felt... tired and it wasn't because it was almost midnight or because you had a tummy ache... no, it was a different type of tiredness. After a while, you smiled at Beel and went back to your room. Beel staid in the kitchen, not eating but thinking. He was worried about you; Lucifer mentioned the other day a little off of hand that you seemed weaker.
Beel didn't pay much attention to it, until now. His mind went from Lilith to you, how that affected him, and suddenly, the answer was clear. Beel slumped in himself and tried hard not to wake anyone up on the way to his room. Ever since that day, he asked you to work out with him, even for just a little bit, and the intense cuddling sessions were now even more intense.
The truth was he was scared of losing you too. Only Belphie knew that, and he planned to keep it like that. And if the nightmares ever shifted from Lilith to you well... at least he had you to hold his hand... for now.
It was 3 am... and if Belphegor knew you were awake at this unholy hour he might kill Leviathan and never let you sleep alone in your room again. But here you were, Levi had told you he would be binging one of his favorite animes all night, and you just had to watch it with him. So there you were, 3 am and both, you and Levi, watching anime.
Levi was all excited about the story, the characters, and the plot but you... not so much. So, you ended up falling asleep. Once Levi noticed, he muttered something about how your normie blood had taken the better of you, before falling silent as he kept watching the anime. There, right in the middle of the screen, the protagonist best friend had been killed. Blood was everywhere and the episode ended. Levi's eyes fell on you.
You were Levi's only friend, and the thought of losing a friend made him break a bit. He’s been noticing how you have changed in the passing of time, but he never actually stopped to think of the implications of that. Humans die, very, very easily. He wasn't certain on how much longer you would be around to spend time with him, do cosplays, and talk about anime or manga. He was going to be as lonely as the Lord of the Shadows was before Henry became their friend.
Leave his room? He never did such thing. At least not for a few days after that realization hit him... but then he realized that he was wasting SO MUCH TIME. So, after that, wherever you were, Levi was. He started to talk more about your own interests and stuff. It was nice, he learned new stuff about you, and while the thought of losing you always lingered in the back of his head, he wanted to be close to you no matter what.
Now Levi spent less than 4 hours in his room during the day, it was a miracle really... that was something absolutely no one has ever done before. And honestly, you were not going to question it.
Finally, Mammon, THE Great Mammon noticed. You two were walking in town after one of his photoshoots. He was going on and on about how amazing he was while you trailed behind him... really behind him. Once he noticed, he slowed his pace to match yours. You started talking about something else entirely when suddenly your D.D.D rang. While you answered he checked the hour, and upon looking at his background, he felt a part of himself die.
As his background, he had set a picture of you and him. Not taken too long ago, just a few years... or so he thought. You looked so different. Your hair was now entirely white, matching his; he noticed the wrinkles around your face and the glasses that you now had to use all the time. Mammon fell silent. You informed him that Lucifer had called and wanted you two home now. He just nodded and didn’t say a word for the rest of the walk. You found it weird because... well, because it's Mammon, but you didn't mention it.
That night, Mammon didn't go to your room. He stayed in his, thinking about everything. Thinking how he didn’t notice that you were growing old. He was always with you, ALWAYS. It was impossible for HIM to not notice. Yet here he was, wondering how time slipped between his fingers, and now who knows how much time you would spend together. Mammon cried... all night, no one knew because he made sure it was a silent cry... but the idea of losing someone he cared about so much. IT hurt when Lucifer confiscated Goldie, and he knew losing you would feel the same... who was he kidding? It was going to be worse, so much worse. And so, he cried, but only for that night, the next day he was his usual self just... now he was aware. Suddenly he was being super kind to you and buying you stuff.
It weirded you out but it was fine, you let him have it... you knew what it was about. You started at him with a smile on your lips, ruffled his hair and made snarky comment about him already being broke and to stop spending in you.
If Mammon never left your side before just imagine now. And he was not the only one. You were constantly followed around by a group of demons that wanted to spend time with you. You knew why, but you never mention it... why would you?
Mammon and the others had never talked about it, they refused to do so but whenever you didn't look, they looked at each other, and with sad expression, they made sure to take in the moment, to save it in their hearts.
It was night. You and the seven brothers have been having a horror night but you were tired already. Your entire body ached. And halfway through the movie you fell asleep.
You woke up by a hand shaking you, once you opened your eyes you saw Lucifer. You smiled at him, sat up, and, to everyone surprise, hugged him. Blame it on your half-asleep state, but you dared to hug him, and even give him a kiss on the cheek. Then proceed to hug and kiss every other brother.
No one knew what had gotten into you, but once you kissed Belphegor and were about to say good night, Beel and Asmo pulled you into another hug, and before you realized, you were in a cuddle mountain with ALL the brothers. Lucifer may have taken a little convincing but at the end, he joined you all. After an intense two hours of cuddling, you went to your room. As you laid down in the bed with a smile plastered on your lips, you felt... at peace. With how your life had been up to this point, with how much you loved those seven idiots. Yeah, you really loved them.
During breakfast the next day, none of the brother ate. Not even Beelzeebub, they all waited patiently for you, they wanted to wait for you, even though... all of them knew you were not going to come down the stairs.
That's how it was, humans are born and humans die in less time than any other creature. It was the sad reality of their world, and as the brothers waited for a human that was never going to come down the stairs, all they could think about was you. It was sad, but it was true. And even if they were never going to see you, again... they really were grateful for everything.
*********************************
Hello sweeties, this is actually the first fan fic I've ever made. I could not get this idea out of my head so I just had to write it. Hope y'all enjoy it!
#obey me one master to rule them all#obey me!#obey me#obey me! asmodeus#obey me! lucifer#obey me belphie#obey me beelzebub#obey me lilith#obey me leviathan#obey me mc#obey me mammon#obey me satan
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Anonymity - Day 5
No-Set-Prompt-List-tober, October 5: MASKS
JayDick, no capes, soulmates, secretary Dick, blowjob, 2,629 words
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The club was a special one.
Everyone who entered had to wear a mask, one that could not be taken off anytime during the visit, even if someone wanted to. The club was a place for complete anonymity.
People who entered somehow forgot their names, their friends’ names, and any personal information. Any meetings sparked within the club were sadly lost after exiting the club because that was just how the club worked. No one could explain it. It was mysterious, and perhaps a bit magical.
Dick liked going to the club just to people watch. At the club, people could really be themselves, behind the masks that let them be anyone they wanted for that night.
Dick sat at the bar, nursing his glass of expensive wine and absently rubbing the spot on his forearm, where his soul mark usually was. However, since entering the club, the soul mark seemed to have disappeared from his skin. Dick missed its comforting presence, but he knew he would get it back when he left.
Dick swirled his wine in his glass and took another sip.
“Hey.”
Dick turned to glance over his shoulder, and he saw another masked man standing there. “Hello,” Dick said politely, turning to face the masked stranger.
“Um,” the man chuckled awkwardly. “My friends told me to come talk to you,” he explain. “They want me to-” the man stopped talking. Then, he held out his hand. “Ah, I’m J-” His lips turned into a frown as he realized he could not get his name out.
Dick laughed. “First time here?” he asked.
The man huffed. “Obvious?”
Dick shrugged. “Not to worry,” he said. “I’ve done it a few times too. You’ll get used to it though.” Dick took the man’s hand. “Call me Ric.”
“Ric?”
Dick nodded. “It’s not what I go by, but I’ll still answer to it,” Dick explained. “And you’re just J?”
The man laughed. “Yeah. Just J sounds good. So, can I buy you another glass of whatever you’re having, Ric?”
Dick quirked an amused smile. “No offense, but it’s a pretty expensive glass of wine,” he said.
J sat down next to him and waved the masked bartender over. “Another glass of wine for him,” he said firmly.
Dick gave a little sigh. “Don’t say I didn’t warn you.”
When Dick’s wine came, J pulled out his wallet and opened it. “How much?” he asked.
“Forty-six.”
J handed the bartender a crisp fifty. “Keep the change,” he said.
Dick raised an eyebrow behind his mask. “Showing off?” he asked. He still curled his fingers around his second glass of wine. After a second’s consideration, he pushed it towards J.
J glanced at him. “It’s yours,” he said. “Yes, that was a bit of a ridiculous price, but I said I’d get you another glass.”
Dick laughed. “Now, now,” he said. “You may be a gentleman, but I can’t let you buy me that.” He started reaching into his own back pocket.
J shook his head. “Ric, really. It’s alright. My friends didn’t let me treat them tonight, so it’s only fair I get to treat someone.”
Dick paused. “You paid fifty dollars for a glass of wine. Really, J, let me-”
“I think you’re really interesting,” J blurted out.
“I’m sorry?” Dick asked. “What do you mean?”
J gave Dick a smile. “Well, a lot of people come here to do and say things they would never say in their ‘real’ life. But this whole time you’ve been here, you’ve just sat here, nursing your wine and watching people. You’re different.”
“Maybe I’m just not in the mood for hooking up with random strangers in the club bathrooms tonight,” Dick said, sipping and finishing his first glass of wine. “Or maybe I was just looking for the right person.”
“No,” J chuckled. “I don’t know how I know, but I know you’re not. I just... have a feeling that you’re special. Special enough for that glass of wine, certainly.”
Dick looked at J intently, staring straight into the blue eyes behind the mask. Dick had not noticed it before, but there was something different about J. Dick could sense his genuineness somehow.
“Okay,” Dick said softly. “Say I am different,” he said. “What now?”
“Let me show you?”
Dick thought about it for a while. He stared at J, his sweet smile and his bright eyes, and Dick really could not find any ill will in the man.
“Okay,” he agreed.
~~~
Dick tapped his pen against his lip, unable to concentrate at the task at hand. Last night was a bit of a blur, but not enough of a blur that Dick did not know what happened after he followed J into the back rooms.
The club had a few rooms specially reserved for those who could pay to use it. And Dick did not even have the time to protest before J slipped security a couple bills that Dick was sure were hundreds.
They had collapsed onto the sofa together, and Dick just remembered laughing at J’s jokes until his sides hurt. His wine glass had to be set aside because he physically could not take any more liquid into his body otherwise he might pee himself.
They also ended up making out a lot. And a lot of groping around. Dick’s shirt may have come off at one point, and J’s hands definitely touched every part of his upper body. Maybe several times.
Absently, Dick touched his neck, where the dark hickies were thankfully hidden by his collar. The night had been one of the best nights Dick had ever had. Two glasses of amazing wine and even better company. Needless to say, Dick was actually quite upset to know that he will never see J again, and if they do, Dick will never know.
“Hey!”
Dick’s eyes snapped up. “Hm? Oh, Bertha.”
The old lady glared down at him. “Do you have Mr. Todd’s reports done yet?” she snapped.
“Uh, yes,” Dick said, flipping through the mess on the his desk before pulling out a stapled packet. “Right here.”
“Humph!” Bertha said. “I don’t see why Mr. Todd had to hire you,” she grumbled. “You are never doing your work.”
“Maybe because he likes looking at my pretty face?” Dick answered half-heartedly, already more than used to Bertha’s bitchiness.
“Mr. Todd would never!”
As the she stormed away, Dick sighed and his eyes flickered across the hall to where Mr. Todd’s office door was open. The man was frowning at his computer screen, eyebrows pulled together in concentration.
Even like that, he was so very attractive. Maybe a little less attractive than yesterday because Dick was pretty sure he was still enamored with J at the moment, so much so that his crush on Mr. Todd was almost a distant memory.
Just then, Dick snapped out of his thoughts, and he realized that Mr. Todd was staring at him, eyebrows raised in silent question.
Dick blushed hard, quickly looking down.
“Mr. Grayson,” Mr. Todd’s voice called from across the hall. “A word?”
“Shit,” Dick cursed. He stood up and reflexively brushed himself off. “Yes, Mr. Todd?”
Mr. Todd gestured for him to come in and close the door. “I’m curious,” Mr. Todd started, leaning back in his chair and tapping his pen against his lip.
Dick licked his own lips as he stared, wondering if he picked up the pen tapping habit from watching Mr. Todd all the time, or if he had always done that. “Yes?” he asked.
“Ms. Bernard mentioned something to me about you once,” Mr. Todd said slowly.
“Bertha?” Dick blinked in surprise. “I- I mean, what did Ms. Bernard mention?”
“She said you liked expensive wines.”
Dick’s eyebrows furrowed slightly. “Uh, yes. Yes, I do. How did she-”
“She was your Secret Santa last year,” Mr. Todd explained. “You had some expensive wines on your wish list.”
“Oh,” Dick said, feeling dumb.
“Well, Mr. Grayson,” Mr. Todd said. “It just so happens that I have a $300 bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon at home, and I don’t drink red wines, so I thought I’d gift it to my favorite secretary.”
Dick’s mouth opened and closed a couple of times. “I, uh, Mr. Todd, that’s really too generous,” he said with a weak laugh as his heart pounded wildly at being called Mr. Todd’s favorite secretary.
Mr. Todd waved his hand dismissively. “Though I do have one thing I would like to know.”
Dick stopped smiling quickly. “Yes?”
“By any chance,” Mr. Todd said. “Is your soul mark on your forearm?”
“Huh?” Dick reached for his arm, giving himself away. “I- why would you want to know that, Mr. Todd?”
Mr. Todd smiled warmly. “I hope I’m not being too intrusive,” he said. “But what is your soul mark?”
Dick looked down, gulping. “Oh, it’s not- it’s not too intrusive,” he said. “I’m just not used to... talking about soul marks with my boss,” he said quickly. He blushed harder. “It’s... It’s a wineglass...?”
Mr. Todd laughed. “Really?” he asked, sitting up. “That’s adorable.”
“It- It is?”
“Reflects your tastes, does it not?” Mr. Todd asked. “A wine glass for a wine man.”
“Y-Yeah,” Dick said with a small smile.
There was a moment of silence. Then, Mr. Todd gestured for Dick to come closer. “C’mere,” he said softly.
Dick took a few steps forward. “Yes?”
Mr. Todd pushed his chair back and stood up. He started unbuckling his belt.
Dick’s eyes nearly bugged out. “Mr.- Mr. Todd, what-”
“Oh, calm down,” Mr. Todd said, pushing his pants down a bit to reveal his upper right thigh. Dick’s eyes bugged out even further to see that Mr. Todd had a wine bottle on his thigh, in the middle of pouring into an invisible wineglass.”
His eyes snapped back up to Mr. Todd. “Is that...”
“Your matching soul mark?” Mr. Todd said softly, his voice almost breathy. “I think so.”
“Can I-”
Mr. Todd nodded. Dick stepped forward and slowly dropped to his knees, his trembling hand hovering over Mr. Todd’s thigh. Then, he touched the soul mark, feeling the slow burning warmth course through him. Dick gasped softly.
His eyes flickered up to Mr. Todd, who looked back down at him. Mr. Todd swallowed hard.
Just then, the clicking sound of heels started to come towards the door. Panicking, Dick ducked under Mr. Todd’s desk, and Mr. Todd sat back down, not having time to get his pants back up. He pulled himself in as the door opened.
Dick could hear Mr. Todd’s disapproving voice as he said, ���Ms. Bernard, please, please, knock.”
Bertha did not answer. Instead, she started rattling off something about a missed meeting. Dick, meanwhile, had rolled up his sleeve and placed his arm next to Mr. Todd’s soul mark.
He felt Mr. Todd shift slightly under him as heat burned through their bodies again.
Without thinking, Dick pressed his lips against Mr. Todd’s soul mark, and Mr. Todd jerked in surprise. The heat became even stronger, tinged with a lovely pleasurable haze. It was a similar buzz to when Dick had had a couple of glasses.
Just then, Mr. Todd pulled back out, and Dick crawled back out.
“Fuck,” Mr. Todd said, his eyes drinking in Dick and the soul mark on his arm. “I knew it was you, you know.”
Dick was confused again. “Mr. Todd-”
“Please, call me Jason,” he murmured, cupping Dick’s face. “You’re my soul mate, baby. Mr. Todd’s bit formal, don’t you think? Besides,” Jason said, his smile growing a little sly. “We’ve already been well acquainted.”
“Well acquainted?”
“That was your last night, wasn’t it?” Jason asked, his thumb running over Dick’s cheek. “Ric, you called yourself?”
Dick’s eyes widened comically. “How’d you know-”
Jason laughed. “I guess I owe you an explanation. See, you had a couple classes of wine last night, so I don’t think you really felt it when I touched your soul mark, but I felt that, and I knew I had to find you,” Jason breathed, moving in little by little as he spoke.
“But how did you know it was me?” Dick breathed into the inches between them.
Jason smiled a little. “I own the club, baby. I’m allowed to break the rules.”
“You- You own the-” Dick snapped his mouth shut suddenly. “Oh,” he said instead.
Jason laughed. “You’re so adorable. You always are.”
“You think I’m cute?” Dick asked shyly.
“I’m not blind, of course I do,” Jason said. “You know, I’ve actually be suspecting you were my soulmate for a while now. We’ve got a lot of the same habits. And last night, I just had to confirm it,” he said.
“Well, um, I’ve kinda been... crushing on you... just a little,” Dick admitted, his eyes darting away from Jason’s face in embarrassment.
“Oh, baby,” Jason grinned. “So fucking cute. Can I kiss you?”
Dick gave a small laugh. “We did plenty of that last night,” he said. “I don’t see why you’re asking now. But yes, you ca- mmph!”
Jason cut him off, capturing Dick’s lips instead. At the same time, he grabbed Dick’s arm, hand enclosed around Dick’s wineglass. The heat that followed was immediate, making the kiss all the more intimate.
With his other hand, Jason pulled Dick’s free hand to his own thigh. By a small miscalculation, he also pulled Dick off balance a bit, so Dick’s hand ended up on Jason’s crotch, which was not unwelcome. And Dick did not move his hand away either.
Jason moaned into this kiss as Dick’s warm palm gently rubbed his clothed cock. Blood immediately rushed down there, and it was not long before he was hard and straining in his briefs.
“Fuck, Dickie,” Jason groaned against Dick’s lips.
Dick pulled away with a dazed look in his eyes. “Can I- Can I suck you off?” he asked in a breathless voice.
“Right here?” Jason asked, knowing that he wanted nothing more than for Dick to suck him off right there.
Fortunately, Dick nodded.
Jason wasted no time lifting his hips and pulling his briefs down. Dick eagerly helped, his hand wrapping around Jason’s hard cock - thick, veiny, and heavy in his palm.
Dick leaned in and let his lips wrap around the head of Jason’s cock. He swirled his tongue around, taking in Jason’s taste. Then, he pushed himself down, nearly getting Jason’s cock all the way down his throat before his gag reflex kicked in, and he had to pull back.
Jason however threw his head back and groaned. He threaded his fingers into Dick’s hair and pushed him back down. He felt the way Dick’s throat fluttered around his cock, and like a teenager, Jason blew his load into Dick’s hot mouth.
“Fuck!” he grunted as he shot ropes of cum down Dick’s throat.
Dick looked up at him, his hands gripped on Jason’s thighs and unintentionally over his soul mark. His eyes were teary and wet, but he stayed down, swallowing around Jason’s cock.
After another few seconds, Jason pulled back, allowing Dick to take a wet breath.
“Shit,” Jason said. “Sorry about that, Dickie. Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you, did I?”
Dick laughed and shook his head. “I’m fine,” he said, clearing his throat of leftover cum. He grinned wider. “Perfect, actually.”
Jason gave a relieved laugh. “I swear I can usually hold out longer,” he said, his cheeks tinged with a bit of red. “But that was...” He gave a low whistle. “Amazing, Dickie. You’re amazing.”
Dick rubbed his hand over Jason’s soul mark, and he smiled up at his soul mate. “Of course I am,” he said. “I was made for you.”
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This was not meant to be this long. Shit, I honestly keep telling myself, “Keep it PWP, keep it PWP”, but no. I just had to add the soulmates thing and yeah. Anyway, don’t expect it to be like this every time. Hope you guys enjoyed!
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Ep. 1: “She reeks of minions” - Apollo
Brianna
My dumbass almost put my real name into the confessional link so we are off to a great start!!! So beginning of the game we have to pick a leader. Thomas kinda automatically pushed it to be Apollo which was funny. But then Apollo asked me if I wanted it bcuz he didn’t want it and that’s a no-no. He was scared people would be intimidated that he got an idol clue so I told him to just share the clue with everyone and take the leadership position which he thought was a good idea....for some reason. Lol. Hopefully he doesn’t screw up the immunity challenge for us and I get an idol clue without having to be the leader :P peace out ✌️
Cassie
Getting to know some of my tribemates has been fun and I definitely feel like we've been clicking well so far. I don't have any bad first impressions.
Felix
So I am getting some good vibes off of Flint and Joey. I think they're pretty cool and match my vibes. Cassie is alright, but she doesn't seem to be the talkative type. Finally there's the two that haven't talked. All I'm saying is that if we HAVE to go to tribal then we know who it should be. Also I would never volunteer myself as leader. What do I look like? Responsible?
Zest
I just got to the island and am still a little apprehensive. This is all very new to me. So far, my tribe seems very nice and go with the flow. But, I think that will change as the game progresses. I am definitely trying to just get an idea of people, but, it is very early in the game. We got the clue that "Idols are forged in fire.” Not completely sure what that means yet. Once we know what the challenge is, that will help! I’ve been reading about the other tribes and am curious about how they are all doing. Are they getting closer than mine is? Is my tribe on the right track?
Marie
I’m getting along really well with Kathleen, she is definitely my number one right now and I’d love to work with her!
Flint
The first night has gone better than I had expected. As a somewhat introvert I was nervous about getting to know my tribe but the other players made it easy. Felix and I hit it off really quick, I would consider him my closest ally thus far. Joey and Cassie both talked about being pro-pineapple pizza so that may blossom into an alliance down the road as well. Suzy and Charlie have been quiet so I can see them being an early target if we lose immunity.
Apollo
"https://i.makeagif.com/media/3-26-2018/myXMdc.gif
I feel like signing up for this game was a bad idea for my mental health, but I love Jay more than I love myself so who cares?
First impressions? Thomas suggests me as leader, and I'm shook. I wish I didn't have the name of a Greek God, why couldn't I be ""Steven Smith"" lol. Anyways I got the idol clue and shared it with the whole tribe since I don't need a giant target on my back to start with. Hopefully I can use this leader position to start a team that can work cohesively for the beginning of this game. Ope! The challenge has been posted. I've gotta run! Hopefully I won't be first boot!"
Lysandre
So the tribe has been formed!! The leader is Marie and thats cool! I was then put into a potential alliance chat with me, Marie, and Kathleen! Lets see how this goes! I also chose to participate in the shells challenge and its going great so far, except for the fact that all the numbers are confusing me. Is there a thing for dyslexia but with numbers?? Also I love Jay wtf.
Apollo
I can't believe you put me on the same tribe as Karen again, and I don't know why the hell she thinks Boris is a funny name, but the cat icon, has me living. I didn't know it was her since she wasn't on at the beginning but when she started talking and dragging the midwest I couldn't help but confirm my suspicions. She reeks of minions. Also pretty sure the new zealand person is just Stephen, bless his Soul. As for the rest idk them but being put in the leader position really helped i suppose. Thomas and Zest seem to respect me and Brianna and I are working on the flash game so hopefully we can bond over that. I would love for us to win immunity the first round but at this rate, If Bradley doesn't come on at all tomorrow, we might not even need to go to tribal, it just might be med evac, which would come in handy if we lose, but be a shot in the foot if we win. A little part of me was hoping for some ungodly reason Camilla would come back, but if she is, its not on my tribe :'). I'm imagining that Sam is somewhere but not on my tribe. I can't wait to get on with this game and to see how well I can do with a fresh start.
Gigi
I'm pretty happy with my tribe! Everyone seems kind and levelheaded. I'm kind of worried that I missed out on bonding with them though, since I wasn't around for the first meeting!
Kathleen
"I seem to have formed bonds with a couple of tribe members pretty quickly, I might be wrong but it seems like most of my tribe hasn’t really started playing the game yet so it’s good to get a one up just in case. Our leader, Marie, was someone I suggested because we’d been talking and I thought it would be good to have someone that was starting to trust me as leader.
Also this puzzle is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and I have like 500 mental illnesses so that’s saying something."
Lysandre
OK SO LYSANDRE IS DOING EVERYTHING TIM COULDN'T. Their goal in the challenge is to get atleast 101 bundles but a bitch is getting tired. Also queen Jay posted her idol search which I thought was cute! I like how it works but my problem with it is that the idol can be found so fast. It can be found in say... under an hour on your first prompt submission... LIKE HOW I DID. I have an idol yall!!! My first ever Idol!!!! I am so proud of Lysandre, they are doing amazing.
Lysandre
Having the idol feels a little surreal. I am aware that I have it but it is sooooo early in the game that it feels like a joke. I am going to tell no one about the idol moving forward in the game and I'm going to try and save it for no one but me.
Felix
Look who found an idol on their first hunt! I now have a safety net to fall back on just in case any of these people want to be snakes in the grass! We love me being an icon!
Felix
Me not reading the rules? It's more likely than you think. So now I just got to hope that everyone else is able to pull through in this challenge. God this sucks. At least if I am the worst on my team then I can use my idol to protect me. But that would be a waste of an idol so early in the game.
Boris
"HELLO. so the game just started yesterday and honestly?? I'm having so much fun.
playing as a different identity lets me separate myself from the game and play in a way I typically wouldn't. I'm already playing much more socially than I would in a typical game. My tribe sees pretty good! Everyone showed up at least, we're not the MOST active but everyone seems so nice, it'll be pretty easy to get along with everyone
totally off subject but this IDOL HUNT? WHEW. literally iconic. It's so fun to explore the different paths and see what happens. it took me forever to reach an outcome (and it was a negative one, at that), but I just had fun doing it anyway.
I volunteered to do the endurance portion of immunity, and I'm lowkey kinda regretting it. Like, I don't have anything else to do, but I just barely have the motivation to sit and type for hours on end. Oh well, I feel safe enough that even if we don't win I should be safe! hopefully!!"
Joey
"it's been a hot second since i've played one of these things and whew i forgot how exhausting it is getting to know people! i think everyone's in a weird spot because we're trying to remain hidden so we can't release real information about ourselves, so all the conversations i've had have mostly been about food. i've told two people i'm a fan of pineapple on pizza, which is a total lie, but whatever it takes to make connections right?
i put my name out there for the leader role, but quickly gave it up to cassie. i think people are going to gravitate towards her, and i wanted to get in her good graces in case she is the key decision maker here. i feel like a lot of these people don't work as much as i do, which might put me at a disadvantage in the social portion, but what more can i really do?
i volunteered for the flash game because that seemed like the least annoying/time consuming section of the bunch, and on my fourth try i had a really lucky run and got a pretty decent score that i haven't gotten close to since. i think my strategy is going to be to pretend i'm struggling with the challenge, and at the last minute pretend i got my good score to show how hard i worked and how i ~persevered~ or whatever."
Felix
13 votes? Mama you gotta know more people than that
Felix
We're safe! I'm so shook that even though I submitted by accident XD
Marie
Gigi didn’t help with the challenge at all! Like wth pitch in? Tribal tonight should be an easy vote
Cassie
I feel pretty confident about how I did in the challenge for my tribe. We didn't come first, but I believed in my team that we'd still be safe and we were. We can only improve from here to overtake our competition and I still believe in my tribe. Go Tuai!
Thomas
Early days, everyone seems really nice so far, think I have gotten a good team!
Charlie
Honestly nothing particularly juicy atm, everyone is really nice and we are just getting to know each other. Theres a few people I'm vibing with more then others however...maybe a potential alliance in the future?
David Penn
Everyone seems way to chill and i'm waiting for the game to start getting heated. Also our tribe leader kinda dipped and everyones leader.
Brianna
Well. Sumi kind of...demolished that challenge. And I was starting to think we weren’t doing enough lol. It’s nice to see the first challenge results and put everything in perspective for the whole game. Not really any new updates. Bradley appeared for the first time today. Then shortly disappeared soon after. A missing person alert has gone out and he will be in our thoughts and prayers.
Zest
Wow! I am so emotional about our first win. I got really anxious about the puzzle and was worried I’d let my tribe down. Luckily, we all were really supportive of one another. Everyone has a really positive attitude and I am happy with Apollo's leadership. In terms of getting to know people, it is still really early. I have spoken to everyone on my team individually except Bradley.
Lysandre
OK so we lost the motherfucking challenge. I was the only person on my tribe to actually win their category. One of my "allies" Kathleen FLOPPED in the challenge. Luckily Gigi literally does not exist in this plane of existence. Maybe she got snapped by Thanos and she'll come back in 5 years... who knows?? What I do know is that I'm voting for her to go!! Also David approached me with the idea of voting Kathleen. I tried to play it off as if I'm stuck in between voting those two and I hope he bought it but Im obvi not gonna do Kathleen rn because she communicates with me. But we LOVE being the first tribe to go to TRIballlll.
Suzy witters
Im getting on with Felix a bit, and Charlie, I like charlie more though and can see myself working with him throughout the game
Marie
Lowkey can’t believe David actually called Kathleen out in the public chat, not a good move buddy. Let’s just say, he’s lucky that we want to get rid of Gigi or else Kathleen might have made the vote him!
Kathleen
I did HORRIBLY at the challenge and it seems that David was coming after me before some of my alliance members talked him down. We’re going for Gigi tonight so we only have people left that will actually try in challenges, but if we end up at tribal again I might just have to try and convince my alliance members to go for David to save myself.
Boris
"my tribe? Did that. We are a tribe of WINNERS. We dominated the first challenge!
But in less fortunate news, my dumbass needs to stop jumping into pits and volcanoes in the idol hunt. Search 1, I jumped in a lot and everyone was notified of my search. Search 2, I jumped across a volcano and now I can't participate in the next immunity. Which is an endurance! Which im really good at!! And the tribe knows I can do it because I did endurance last round!!!
So now I'm in a position where I kinda have to sit out (luckily our tribe needs to sit someone out anyway) BUT I'm stuck between coming forward and telling the truth, that I fucked up while searching, or make up some excuse for them to let me sit out anyway.
I think the former is smarter. Surely everyone else is searching too, and and maybe they'll respect my honest??? But if not, it could be my downfall. If they know Im searching every day they might be more inclined to vote me off before i find anything, since now they know I have nothing. "
Boris
Wtf why am I stressed, i don't even have to go to tribal
Bryan
So. The next immunity comp is an endurance challenge. And we have boris saying he won’t be able to be here for it because of a family thing. Apollo works til 12. Bradley probably won’t be here because of his disappearing trick. And I work til 10. I’ll hopefully still be able to participate because it’s not constant...but. We are already down three people and the comp hasn’t even started yet oh lord please help us.
Flint
The first Immunity Challenge was tougher then I had expected! I was assigned the seashell necklace making portion which sounded fairly easy but once I got going it was easy to get tripped up in the numbering. Once the results were announced I was glad to see our tribe got second place because I was one of the weaker ones in the challenge performance. Time to step it up!
Bradley
I need to really step up my social game since we won immunity. So its going to be a mess but i want to try and make some connections.
Gigi
Not sure if I'm paranoid or not, but I am idol hunting right now! And got a disadvantage instead. Just my luck!
Raul
Things are weird especially with the whole alias thing but ya know we march on the tribe is kinda quiet so we'll see I haven't seen a target emerge but it'll probably me to be honest
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Field Trip Ch. 9 of Cure for Nightmares
Peter walked tiredly into his science classroom sitting down quickly next to Ned. Peter put his head on the desk.
“Hey man you ok?” Ned asked glancing at him
“Yeah I’m fine just a bit tired was out a bit late patrolling” peter responded in a whisper
Ned nodded, and peter grabbed out his notebook and textbook and prayed class wouldn’t last forever.
When the bell rang Peter quickly gathered his stuff and was about to head to the door when his teacher made an announcement to the class.
“Before you guys rush out of here, I need to hand out permission slips for our annual field trip.”
“Where are we going?” a random student asked
“We got a special treat this year we are getting a special tour of The Avengers Compound.”
Peter immediately sighed he had a field trip to somewhere he goes on an almost daily basis.
“The field trip is next Friday so making sure you gets these signed by then.” His teacher said handing them out
As if on cue
“Hey penis I guess were finally going to see that you full of it when none of the avengers recognize you.” flash shouted at him as he walked out
Peter just looked at the permission slip and shook his head. While leaving class and walking to lunch he messaged tony
Hey can I come by today?
Tony responded about a minute later
Sure kid I’ll have Happy pick you up.
The rest of the day went by in a blur peter couldn’t stop thinking about the field trip.
Once he walked out of the school he saw happy there waiting with a smile on his face.
“Hey kid hop in, can’t wait to hear your nonstop talking” Happy said with a grin
Peter got in the car sighing
They were driving for a bit peter was responding anytime happy asked him anything but was not his usual talkative self.
“Hey Pete something up normally your talking my ear off by now?” happy asked
“I’m fine just tired I was out late patrolling yesterday so didn’t get enough sleep” peter responded
“Yeah me and tony noticed you like staying out late lately but you still need sleep don’t want May freaking on you again” happy said seeming to accept his answer
Peter nodded in understanding and sighed in relieve.
Once they arrived at the compound peter got out of the car quickly waved bye to Happy and walked onto the Elevator and headed towards the lab.
Once peter exited the elevator he walked to the lab saw tony mesmerized by his suits. Peter threw his backpack off his shoulder to alert tony he was there.
“Hey Pete sorry was in tinkerland” tony said with a chuckle
Peter wasn’t laughing he just went and sat near the work bench and sighed
“Kiddo what’s up what got you down?” Tony asked considered walking over to him
“Why did you give my class a field trip here tony? And better yet why didn’t you tell me about it so I wasn’t blindsided by my teacher” peter asked annoyed
“Pete I totally forgot about doing that I was doing it for one another just because you’re here a lot doesn’t mean others don’t get too see here I know your school is full of gifted youngsters so I thought your science class would enjoy it.” tony said simply
“You guys will embarrass me you guys always do” peter said sadly
“I will not and ill will tell the others not to as well or they be kicked out, happy?” tony said smiling
“Makes me feel a bit better but I don’t think I can trust them” peter said shrugging
“I’ll make sure we all do our best ok tell them go with intern story again ok” tony said smirking
“Thanks dad but to be honest if you don’t show your face around me on the tour that probably be for the best” peter said quietly
“Pete I’m hurt you don’t want your class to see me? I’m one of the most important avengers” tony said pretending to be hurt
“No I just know you will embarrass me somehow if were in the same room as each other” peter said grinning
Tony smirked “ok kiddo I’ll try not to interrupt the tour happy?”
“Very thank you” peter said
Ok kiddo now that’s out of the way lets grab some food I’m starved.
Tony led him to the elevator.
They spent the rest of the night snacking and watching movies.
Once Tony dropped peter off at home he asked May to sign the permission slip.
The day of the field trip arrived way quicker than peter would have liked. His talk with tony relaxed him slightly but didn’t help the nervousness he was felling right now. His teacher collected everyone’s permission slip and they all boarded a bus heading to Upstate New York to The Compound. The ride seemed like it took twice as long as it did when he would go with Happy. Luckily Ned and MJ were with him otherwise it would be a nightmare.
Peter sat with MJ and Ned sat close by on the bus. They both knew how nervous he was and were trying to talk about unrelated topics to distract him.
“Hey peter what’s your opinion of the Last Jedi? Does it betray the original star wars trilogy?” Ned asked
“I wouldn’t say it betrays the original ones but it definitely was my least favorite one” peter answered honestly
“Wow even worse than the prequels?”
“That’s debatable” peter said shrugging
Michelle rolled her eyes.
Ned was about to say something else when Flash interrupted him.
“So penis you claim to be a what? personal intern to tony stark? Were about to learn the truth I can’t wait to watch you freak.” Flash said laughing
“Flash get lost did we ask for you two sense no so bye” MJ said bluntly
Flash just stared at her for a minute than sat down.
MJ turned to peter “ignore the idiot he’s just jealous”
Peter nodded. So much for not being nervous as they pulled up to the compound they used a different entrance than he usually did.
As they walked into the lobby of the compound his class was all filled with awe but peter had been here before again not as often as other parts as the compound so he kept his mouth shut.
A receptionist it seemed like greeted them.
“Hello Midtown Tech my name is Sarah and welcome to the Avengers Compound. First thing we need to do is get each one of you a security badge.”
She handed everyone a badge besides peter that of course always had one but rarely needed it because Friday recognized him.
“Make sure your badge can be seen at all times Happy is a stickler for that kind of thing never know when he’ll show up.” Sarah said with a chuckle
“Hey peter didn’t get a badge” flash called out which made Sarah turn
“Hey Pete you got yours right?” she asked
“Yeah right here thanks Sarah” he pulled it out of his bag and put it on his shirt.
Flash was staring gaping mouth for a second, which made peter grin.
As they began walking through the security check point Friday started scanning all the badges. And reading aloud identities.
“Sarah Abrams clearance level 5”
She directed the rest though
“Guest Clearance level 2” Friday kept saying until they got to peter
“Peter Parker Clearance Level 10” Friday stated
His class looked at him confused. Flash was literally speechless.
Sarah directed them to the Training room first which peter crossed his fingers hopping Natasha and Clint were not there currently. Of course when his group walked in not only was black widow and Hawkeye there so was Captain America. Peter sighed. Natasha was in the middle of fighting Steve, Clint was rooting her on. He glanced up and saw the class and walked over.
“I thought Stark mentioned a tour but I thought he was just messing with us like usual” Clint said with a smirk glancing at peter
“Well now that you’re here this is where we all train or I should rephrase get our butts kicked by black widow over there” Clint added
As if on cue she got Steve down to the matt. The class cheered which made Clint laugh
Natasha helped Steve up and then joined Clint with the group.
“You guys do not want a go around with her she’s deadly” Steve said laughing
“Don’t you forget it” Natasha replied “if you guys want to learn some basic defense I can teach you” she added
Most of the student’s hands rose besides peter and MJ. But of course
“Peter come on you’ll be a perfect demonstration for them” Natasha pleaded
“Nat I don’t think it’s a good idea remember what stark said” Steve said into her ear
“Come on Pete it will be fun” Clint added
Finally slightly embarrassed peter nodded and followed Natasha back to the mat. When she lunged at him he easily Held his own pushing Nat back a bit, by the end he let her win since he didn’t want his classmates to know how strong he was. She helped him up and smiled
“Wasn’t that fun? Well I think you got to move on to the next part of the tour but I’ll see you tonight Pete” she said walking to the showers
“Yeah kid was a blast seeing you knocked on your head” Clint said laughing
Before they left the training room they were allowed to ask Steve and Clint questions
Of course the first hand was flash’s
“Is pen- Peter really a personal intern for tony stark?” he nearly shouted
“Of course he is I’ve never seen stark grown so attached to a kid but once he hired Pete he always a constant presence. Clint said chuckling
“yeah Tony loves bouncing ideas off the kid even asked him for help when he stuck on projects peter is always willing to help.” Steve added
Flash shut up real quick after a few other questions Clint and Steve waved goodbye as they moved on through the compound visiting different floors before they got to the labs.
Peter’s day hadn’t been as bad as he imagined it but he knew it could just get worse he just hoped Tony would keep his promise and not show his face. But of course nothing could go his way could it.
As they walked into the main lab they saw Bruce Banner working on a computer before he noticed the guests enter. Bruce noticed peter immediately and gave him a grin.
“Hey Pete, is this your gang from your genius school?”
Peter nodded.
“Yeah peter has told me of all the gifted kids from midtown so Tony was sure to make sure to have a stop in the main lab” Bruce said grinning
“You guys are welcome to explore the lab but do not touch a thing I rather not have tony ring my neck” Bruce said laughing
The class began exploring looking at different iron man armors or other projects tony seemed to work on. The main lab was huge so of course they were there awhile
Ned walked over to peter
“Hey if this is the lab where is Tony you said when you’re over your always tinkering with him” Ned asked
“This isn’t the only lab Tony’s got a private one only me and him have access to I guarantee that’s where he is now” peter said
“Oh ok makes sense otherwise we be seeing a lot more amour and your suits” Ned whispered
Peter nodded.
Sarah asked “does anyone have any questions for Dr. Banner?”
Hands rose before Bruce picked a hand the doors opened and Tony walked in with a smirk on his face.
“Brucey who’s all your friends I thought I was in charge of parties here?” tony said with a chuckle
Peter knew it was too good to be true when tony showed up and smirked at him
“Look at all the egg heads that peter brought with him” tony said grinning “if you are all half as smart as he is then the future is in good hands”
Peter blushed.
“So what was I interrupting Bruce?” tony asked
“Kids were about to ask me some questions” Bruce replied
“Excellent ask any questions for me ask well” tony said making eye contact with peter.
Multiple hands shot up and of course Flash’s did as well.
“What is it like having Captain America under your roof again?”
“Never boring but again living with all the avengers makes life here interesting.” Tony said with a laugh
When he called on flash he prepared for the worst.
“Is it true Peter is your personal intern?” flash asked
“Of course it’s true Pete is an amazing worker and I’m lucky to have him” tony said give peter a warm smile.
Once the questions were finished the class left the lab to have a break for food.
Siting outside the compound with Ned and MJ, Peter was taking a bite of an apple
When Flash walked over to them. None notice tony followed the group out.
“Ok you got to spill right now what the hell was that Penis? How did you get them all to play along?”
Peter was about to say something when Tony showed up out of nowhere looking pissed and stepped towards Flash
“Excuse me what in the hell did you just call him?” tony sounded furious
“Umn. It was just a joke sir...” flash said quietly
“If I ever hear anything about you bullying my kid again ill make sure no college accepts you, you hear me?” tony said still pissed
Peter was embarrassed but at the same time smiled at the time tony call him his kid.
“Yes sir” Flash said looking away.
“Good, hey Pete come with me” tony said
Tony stopped quickly and whispered something to Sarah
Peter got up and followed tony back into the compound.
Once inside tony looked at peter directly
“Pete when you told me Flash was an ass you weren’t kidding” tony said sighing “why didn’t you tell me he was still bullying you?”
“I don’t know it didn’t really bother me and he stopped for a bit after I told him off before he only really started again because of the field trip.” Peter said shrugging
“so you didn’t want him to get any other ideas besides that you work for me that’s why you were so worried before” tony said raising an eyebrow” well I just called you my kid to his face sorry I screwed the pooch on that one” tony said chuckling
“Tony your fine I know for a fact after what you did he never bully me again you were scary out there” peter said with a grin
“Well good watch you back kid” tony said laughing
“Well thanks though you’re basically my dad nice of you to stand up for Me.” peter said smiling
“Of course Pete” tony said with a smile and pulled peter into a hug.
A few moments later tony let go.
“Well I guess I’ll be back tomorrow right?” peter said heading for the door
“Nope I let the tour guide know that you were staying here when the bus leaves you coming over tomorrow anyways why not, I already let May know” tony said
“Sweet that’s awesome” peter followed tony to the elevator
“I sure the others have great stories to tell me from the parts of the tour I didn’t get to see” tony said with a grin.
Peter’s smiles dropped slightly “will the embarrassment ever end? “
“Not when I’m involved it won’t” tony said smiling.
#fanfic#tony stark#peter parker#iron dad#spider son#marvel#mcu#happy hogan#natasha romanoff#Steve Rogers#clint barton#bruce banner#ned leeds#michelle jones#Flash Thompson#cliche idea#field trip#cure for nightmares#original characters#bullying#tony is such a dad#embarrassing dad#embarrasment#Let me know what you think#after infinity war
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Recurring Dream and What They Mean
VRAINS Rarepair Weeks 2018 - Day 8: Royalty/Dreams
Summary: Akira has always had the same fever dream since he was seventeen: he sees himself back when he was a teenager caring for his younger sister, probably about to die. However, seeing a guardian angel in its last iteration has to mean something has changed within his life since then.
Fandom: Yu-Gi-Oh! VRAINS
Ships: Hireshipping (Ema/Akira) + a huge emphasis on Aoi & Akira’s sibling bonds
Wordcount: 3.4K words
Notes: Nobody ever said you couldn't add "fever" before "dreams" in the given prompt, right?
I'm sorry, my inspiration is kinda stalling today. I also turn out to be a complete idiot who forgot the Zaizen siblings were, in fact, step-siblings. Oops. Better notice it now than never!
I've been in almost most of a Zaizen sibling mood than a Hire one, but don't worry, tomorrow's prompt will be like 90% Hire, I already have another angst idea to throw at the fandom. I promise it gets better by the end.
It's also based on an idea I got like two days ago, so stay tuned for the day I actually write it xoxo
Event hosted by @vrainsrarepairweeks
AO3 version available here.
It feels like a familiar situation. That’s weird, considering he has never gone through this before, right?
He’s seventeen, his sister is seven, and they’re in the streets of Den City again to find a place to shelter themselves from the winter’s bitter cold. He finally has enough money to rent a small, shabby flat for them with one bed and a thing that looks like another. He, of course, occupies the thing: the bed is for Aoi who has the misfortune to have an awful childhood courtesy of their parents dying and the rest of their families being vultures attracted by their inheritance. They’re in the streets because they need to buy some groceries for tonight and, if they can afford it, some tissues for her to blow her nose in. Poor Aoi has caught a cold despite all the precautions he thought he had taken. That’s on him: he was the one who got sick first and unwillingly gave it to his sister.
“Brother, I’m cold,” Aoi says in a timid voice, almost in a whisper, as they cross a road. The least expensive convenience is on the other side of the road.
That’s surprising, he feels pretty warm for this time of the winter break. He’s lucky he doesn’t have classes to attend on top of this. However, he makes sure to take off his scarf, use a cheap disinfectant spray on it and wrap it around her tiny body.
“Here you go,” he tells her as he does so, making sure her facemask stays on so her cold doesn’t worsen. She started coughing yesterday, it can’t be good.
“Brother,” she asks him, “what about you…?”
“I’ll be fine.”
He knows he won’t be “fine” for very long when his cough digs out phlegm from his lungs.
As she watches Akira’s face distorts ever-so-slightly in his sleep, Ema has a few questions rising in her mind.
“Does he do that often?” she asks Aoi sitting across the other side of the bed.
“I can’t tell for sure, Brother usually tries to stay alone when he feels bad,” she replies with concern all over her face.
It looks like the guy is trapped inside a nightmare.
“I don’t know why,” Aoi adds. “I wish he’d tell me. He’s always done that…”
Seconds later he finds himself in the one-room flat he shares with Aoi. She is diligently doing her homework. Sometimes, he wishes she’d ask him for help, but she never does. In this case, it does help him: he can easily sneak out of the room to cough up the phlegm setting in his chest. Today was probably his last job for a while: his vision blurs easily, people don’t like to have sick mercenaries because they never accomplish their work properly. He cannot risk Aoi’s future on that. His? Oh, with how quickly this illness is degenerating, he won’t have the time to think about it for much longer. He needs to act soon, before he has to abandon her.
This is seriously starting to mess with his brain.
He coughs one last time before going back inside the flat, staying in front of the door with his back against the wall, an arm wrapped around his ribcage and a hand on his mouth. The pain is terrible and burns through his entire respiratory system by now, from the tiniest corners of his lungs to his nostrils, making him jerk violently when he gets into a fit that seemingly never ends. He doesn’t want anyone to see him like that, especially not Aoi who has to keep a part of childhood innocence like he had the chance to have gotten, but he still spots a woman with long pink hair going down the stairs and looking at him concerned. She feels familiar, even if they never met before…
He enters the main room again and his sister turns around on her chair to see him do so. Ah, he’s going to miss her when he’ll be gone…
“Aoi, I…” He freezes in place and instead prefers to give her better news. “We’re going to the doctor tomorrow… We finally have the money for that…”
Yet she doesn’t look relieved. Is she cold? Is she concerned about school?
“Don’t worry, I’ll call the school…” He barely retains a cough and almost falls because his legs cannot hold his weigh properly anymore, barely catching himself up on the door frame.
Aoi doesn’t respond, and instead gives him doubtful eyes and a saddened expression.
His right hand, just before the bounty huntress’s eyes, is clutching the bedsheet under it, fingers grasping for something to clutch onto. He must be fighting against something terrifying in his sleep.
“M…” He murmurs, seemingly to no one but himself. Aoi and her ears immediately sharpen onto this sound. “Mother… Help us…”
Aoi immediately freezes. “He’d say that when he was sick, when we were younger,” she says as an explanation for why she is suddenly so disturbed.
“I guess it’s a reflex to call for your mother when you’re unwell,” Ema comments with her hand on her chin. Seeing Akira call for his mom? Now that was something she couldn’t have expected. If the context was any different, she’d have immediately made fun of him for that. As it stands… It’s terrifying to witness.
She takes off one of her gloves and puts a hand on her forehead, then on his. He’s still burning underneath her palm. The dreams he’s going through must be terrifying, if you could call them that. It’s probably closer to a nightmare.
“And, according to you, why does he never let you help him, Aoi?”
Not going to lie, she has her own idea as to why behind her mind.
“I don’t know. I wish Brother would tell me why at least. He used to always care for me, before we could have a real home… But he never accepted that I do it the opposite way around.”
They’re in a doctor’s waiting room. He picked the nearest one, not the least expensive one: with Aoi sick and him unable to carry her on his shoulders, it was preferable that way. They have a margin: the advantage with being sick, in a way, is how he almost never feels hungry anymore. Less food, more medicine for her. That’s almost a good bargain in a black market. The room smells like nothing, or at least he thinks so, and is incredibly hot. He’s only dressed in a shirt and a pull, a gift from someone who took pity on him once, when everyone else has their coats on in the room. It must be him: his fever, because he ought to be feverish to explain the hallucinations he gets sometimes, has screwed with all his senses for what feels like an eternity.
This pink-haired woman from earlier is back. Maybe she’s a hallucination, but he feels better when she’s here, for some reason. She sits next to him, Aoi doesn’t seem to have noticed her as she sleeps on his lap. They stay quiet, but that’s enough: he cannot hold a conversation properly at the moment anyway, so it’s better that way. Her pink eyes in a tone so similar to her long hair tied in a ponytail almost hypnotize him to forget about how much his chest hurts him. His heart is, for once, beating faster for a valid reason instead of his congested breathing. Is that… falling in love? He has forgotten to be a teenager all along… She seems far older than he is, though. Ah well…
His hand grips Ema’s nearest wrist without warning, as the panicked breathing comes to a calmer halt. She feels her face redden but tries to stay put and composed in front of Aoi who seems more surprised than she is shocked.
“W…” Ema smothers a scream of surprise before it can get out of her mouth. “What the hell…?!”
Aoi doesn’t say anything, instead looking very curious as she stares at the hand’s twitching fingers. That doesn’t answer any of her questions!
“I frankly didn’t expect that to happen…” she admits as she too looks at it. She cannot bring herself to part it away from her imprisoned wrist anyway. It’d seem like a cruel thing to do to someone so vulnerable.
“Stay… stay here, please…” his weak, groggy voice mutters again.
“Seems like someone is in need of affection…”
Ema gulps concern down. This is eerier than she could have ever seen coming.
He’s in the examination room, the doctor looking over him. He had promised himself, he wouldn’t give in: if he did, then they wouldn’t be able to afford Aoi’s medicine. If it wasn’t for her sister begging the man to examine her brother and the offer of getting it done free because he looks, indeed, nearly deadly ill, he wouldn’t be here. Instead, everything is cold against his skin: the air, the medical tools, this man’s hand, his own clothes. Everything is too cold and then it’s too hot, it can’t settle for anything, and his breathing is still awfully ineffective. He wants to pass out and never wake up again if that means having that stop.
Once that’s said and done, he remembers his mission and tries to hurry up. He’s going to lose consciousness soon, that’s certain, considering how his vision is swimming around and how his fever hasn’t lowered since the doctor insisted on taking his body temperature after having noticed how boiling his skin was. He takes Aoi’s hand in his, making sure it wasn’t the one he was coughing into, but his legs buckle up under his weight, his eyes close on themselves, he’s falling and he doesn’t want – he needs to escape, find Aoi a new house when he’ll be gone too, hoping she can make it out big in the world that didn’t want them – but his body stops responding and everything fades to black, slowly, in blurs of colours fading with his senses numbing once and for all. Is he dying? Is he going to wake up again? That’s out of his reach, he doesn’t want to be unconscious, he doesn’t want to leave Aoi alone, he has to wake up and –
He emerges in the real world, where things have happened and matter, in a gasp and a mix of cold and hot sweat, breathing heavily and quickly, hand on his heart, the other still gripping onto something. He looks around the room: this isn’t the doctor’s room from nine years ago. It’s his bedroom, in their own home, and there is a very familiar pleasant smell of a flowery perfume on his right. He reddens, nervous and embarrassed, when he notices his hand was wrapped around Ema’s wrist. Wait… When did she enter? When did he land there? Why is Aoi on his left, looking so concerned yet so intrigued? When did he even go to bed? The sun peeking through the curtains indicates it has to be the afternoon too.
“Lemme guess,” Ema tells him with a smirk and eyebrows contradicting her smugness. “You’re confused, you have no idea how you arrived here, and you’re craving for an explanation?”
He only looks away, too embarrassed to ask the question himself.
“Simple enough. You passed out on your secretary at work and the first person they could find in your phone call history was your truly’s, Ema Bessho herself. I got the privilege to calm that girl down from panicked sobs and to drive you home on a bike.”
She’s too proud to actually spit out how much she was concerned for him, for what was inside his dreams.
“Brother,” Aoi’s voice makes his head turn left, “can I ask you something?”
He nods as an agreement. His throat feels dry, he wants to cough, but he doesn’t want to cough up blood again… Oh, wait, he’s in the present now. That means he doesn’t have that anymore. He should have noticed it was a dream as soon as he saw a woman he hadn’t seen back then hypnotizing him. He still doesn’t want to cough.
“Why do you never let me near you when you’re sick?” Aoi questioned, eyes not intimidated enough anymore to search for an answer in his. Too bad his gaze couldn’t answer in his stead.
“Because of this,” he replies, purposely stalling as not to seem to vulnerable to Ema and his sister. “These fever dreams, I mean.”
“You’re still calling that a “dream”? I’d have called these nightmares,” Ema comments with a click of the tongue. She’s trying to make the unfunny at least somewhat amusing.
“They technically are dreams, and it’s always the same that comes back…”
She watches her hirer (or partner? Maybe “partner in crime” fits better) try to focus with foggy eyes and hitching breathing like the overworked pseudo-machine he is. His voice is low, slow, almost quiet and has the saddening property of reminding her of her father’s when he was close to meeting death. She is tasting worry dripping down her body like corruptive acid, that sucks. This is what happens when she lets herself get too sympathetic. Never again.
Never, fucking, again.
“It’s always the same?” Aoi asks with fingers fidgeting with the hem of her skirt.
Akira isn’t really sure of how to answer the question. He doesn’t want her to worry or remember that time of their life that was a hardship with no end, where he thought he was going to die and had no solution to truly go against it, where he was too poor to afford a doctor but too sick to be able to work and pay for one. But the thing is: it’s always this that serves as his fever dreams. He usually simply ends up crying and clutching his chest as phantom pains come back. It’s a minor trauma compared to everything he’s seen flying around this past year to the point complaining about it feels like trying to paint himself as a martyr he isn’t.
“Yes. I always see myself in the same place, doing the same things, and the end is always the same.”
“What… dream is it, Brother?” Aoi asks again, “if you don’t mind telling me of course…”; and the worry she shows towards him makes him nauseous against himself. She shouldn’t have to be that concerned for him if he was good at what he’s trying to accomplish. He cannot not provide her with an answer if she’s that concerned, so he swallows down his pride, almost forgetting there is also Ema on his other side.
“I always get sent back to the time where we both got sick, nine years ago.” Aoi’s face distorts immediately. It looks like she remembers this as vividly as he does. “It always ends in the doctor’s room, where I pass out and wake up after reviving, well, you know what happened that day…”
“And what happened?”
Ema’s voice suddenly chimes in and he turns his head to her as abruptly as he can without his aching joints giving up on him. She looks upset but curious, as if he owed her that information. He doesn’t, though… Why would she be interested in it anyway?
“Huh…” He’s, frankly, speechless. “I got very sick that time, that’s it…”
“Aoi told me, you know.”
He feels himself decompose in front of her. That… That’s more intimidating than embarrassing.
“It’s about that time where you got pneumonia and didn’t want to get yourself examined so you could afford her medicine, right?”
This is getting worse by the minute.
She sighs. “With how terribly this could have ended, don’t be surprised that she wants to be able to approach you when you’re sick. Who can tell if you’re not going to do that again? Oh, wait,” she interrupts herself and glares at him, “you did that none earlier than today.”
He gulps again, not saying a word. She sounds offended enough without his input.
“And I thought I was the reasonable one of us two. You beat me to the bush here, Mr Zaizen.”
Aoi remains silent, going over how much this could be terrible for her brother to relive through as soon as he gets a fever. From her slightly inexact memories from nine years ago, she can remember how bad his coughs sounded and how much the doctor and his wife sheltering them for a couple weeks were worried for him and his chances to make it out alive. Terrible times she couldn’t ever forget even if she wanted to. She, however, cannot bring herself to leave the room, so she stays there and erases herself from the commotion taking place.
“Listen, Akira,” Ema makes herself sound sterner, “I’ve had to bring you here for a couple times already. You have to remember that time where you passed out on us after a mission with Blood Shepherd because you hadn’t slept again? It’d be time for you to handle yourself properly.”
She then looks on the side, almost ashamed of what she’s telling him, before looking back at him with red creeping on her cheeks.
“I think you’ve worried us all, Aoi and me and your secretary too while we’re at it, too much with your shenanigans. It’s time to slow everything down and actually think of yourself once and for all. That’s why you couldn’t have lasted as a bounty hunter, you don’t have a capacity of self-preservation!”
A pause again, a change of tone once more.
“I’m saying that for Aoi and you, of course. Now, your intentions are usually not wrong, so I can’t even scold you like a little brat, that’s annoying. Plus, I’m sure Aoi wouldn’t want me to anyway. Your sister loves you, you know.”
And so do I, she wanted to say. “I also happen to need my main employer up and running to afford my rent and groceries,” she instead told him.
She puts a hand on his forehead again, gulping down her honour and pride with it.
“You’re still very warm. Aoi, please, can you get me some ice?”
The teenage girl complies with a quick “yes!” and exits the room almost running. That’s good, she needs her private conversation with him.
“Ema…? Is there something wrong…?” he asks her, worried by seeing her so troubled. He may be running a fever, he still senses it when there’s that little something with the people he knows.
“Well, more or less you,” she replies drily. “But hey, you’ve allowed me to afford my rent multiple times, so I suppose I do depend on you at times. That’s one reason more why you should stop being stubborn. Who am I to speak, though?”
“That reminds me, sorry for cutting you off, but... You started appearing in my dreams, lately.”
Ema stops speaking all of a sudden, heart skipping a beat. That’s astonishing to hear, almost speech-stealing.
“Wait, you mean I was in this fever dream of yours? That’s… flattering. Is that why you were gripping my wrist and calling for…” Never mind. “For someone?”
“Yes,” he confirms it with his glassy eyes looking at the ceiling, “you were. It was soothing to be around you in it, for some reason… Even when I was reliving waiting in that room where everyone was staring at me… You were breath-taking, making breathing far easier with clogged lungs…”
Ema almost chokes on her own breathed-in oxygen.
“Wait, was that a pick-up line?!”
“I-it wasn’t…!” Akira reddens even further than the flushing of his face made him look already.
They remain silent for a few heavy moments, Aoi having brought back the ice just in time for them to find a distraction. Ema recovers her composure before he does, so she takes the matter in her hands.
“In a way, I guess I was your guardian angel in your dreams. I can be so too in real life if you want,” she ends with a flirty note. Teasing him is fun, after all.
That doesn’t mean she doesn’t actually want to do that on the side, far from it. She watches his sister’s back for him, to grant her freedom without letting her expose herself to all the dangers there are out there… Why not watch over him in the first place?
“I suppose you could… If that means I don’t get scolded again,” he plays with it.
“Deal then.”
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haha here we go again
there's a lot of dumb ranting and 3 days worth of logs and a dream in here so im gonna spare evryone’s dashboard and just put it all under the cut.
tw bad memories, talk of unhealthy relations with food, and dreams about dead animals
I realized I kind of entirely forgot to write about what I did yesterday? I kind of did a lot. I know my mom wanted to work on getting tile laid out in front of her bathroom, so we worked together to scrub the concrete and wipe up all the dirt and dust and whatever was under the carpet and remove some of the nails in the floor and bring up a spiky metal strip between the bathroom door and where the carpet was. The other main thing I remember is deciding to continue work on my dress, sewing up the outer bodice, checking that the bodice and lining would fit together, deciding I’d rather have no different colored front panel, and working on the circle skirt. At first I tried cutting the fabric on my bed, but it wasn’t big enough and too lumpy. I contemplated asking my friends if I could borrow their dining table, but I ended up clearing off my own. After I traced and was in the middle of pinning, I accidentally knocked over a glass bowl that I had set on the chair. My mom heard it from the other room and had me come to her room to tell her what it was. She got angry at me, which I thought was fuckin stupid if it was an accident, but after some reflection while cleaning up the glass pieces, I kind of understood why. Mostly I got a little upset about 2 ceramic pieces I made during school breaking a little from the drop. One was a mushroom house from middle school that always makes me remember feeling like an asshole during peer review when I told my person to smooth their project more because I didn’t know “no improvement needed” was an option until I got back to my desk and saw my person saying it was good in all categories because everyone thought my project was great for some reason. The other was a bunch of flowers on a circle. It was the last project we did before quarantine hit, I think. That one is in less tough shape, just a couple flowers knocked off and a chip on one of them. They can both be glued back together, I guess. Then my mom called me back into her room to listen to her talk about wanting to eat huge amounts of food, because she’s clinically depressed with BPD and PTSD and DID and several other acronyms and her favorite coping mechanism is food, but her doctor put her on a diet so she can get her knees replaced, but recently she’s been getting into a zone where she talks about wanting to eat entire cakes and pizzas and buckets of kfc and a gallon of queso or whatever the fuck and she goes “doesn’t that sound GOOD?” And I have to laugh along and say “haha no that sounds bad actually” and get her a piece of ham or something. And every time she goes on her spiel the only thing I can think of is the greedy from the raggedy Ann and Andy musical. It’s just this horrible undulating orange blob that eats everything in sight and seeing it for the first time just made me think of mom and it made me very uncomfortable, with all the orange goo and hurling noises. Also reminds me of this horrible video game boss fight where it’s the apocalypse and a fat lady on a scooter took over the buffet and eats so much during her boss fight, during the defeat cutscene she projectile vomits everywhere and dies. My brother Greg showed me that thinking it was funny. I hated it, and I still do. He showed me a lot of things he thought were funny as a shitty little kid, and I remember several of them being very upsetting. It’s ok. I don’t want to dwell on it. But after cleaning the glass and talking to mom I brought my fabric to my room and called it a night. Oh wait my dad also helped me with some paperwork my coworker handed me so I could get on the payroll.
Today I woke up differently than I have in a long time. I set an alarm for 10 am so I could be at work by 11, but I woke up at 9 from a heavy sleep with dreams about hanging out with my friend in my room, worrying about my dirty house. I wanted to sleep longer, so I got up at 10 to have breakfast and get ready. I spent my shift changing the price tags all around the store, making everything more expensive. I’m gonna work again on Tuesday where I’ll learn how to use the register. I hope I don’t fuk it up, but I have a couple days to relax until then. Maybe I’ll work on my dress. My friends all want to go to prom together, so my new deadline will be March 2nd or a little before. I still need to buy a ticket, but I don’t have access to the link to buy one :( bleh I’m too tired right now to worry about this shit. I only worked 4 hours again today, but after I got home I felt like I could have worked longer if they gave me something else to do. The only price tags left to change were a bunch of grills and stuff I don’t know about but I don’t know if they had any other work for my to do. But I’m glad I went home tho because I was hungry and my feet hurt from standing lol. I did laundry and made myself dinner and washed my hair and drew a little bit and made the table and tbh the pacing of today has been so weird I don’t remember everything. It’s only 1am but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. my friends started talking about going to prom, and I really want to join them, but I can't figure out where/how to buy a ticket. my brain started being really mean to me, syaing that I was being annoying and pushy and that they didnt want me at prom for some reason, so I low-key almost made myself cry until my friend offered to let me be their platonic date since their partner couldn't go.
last night I had a dream about a hard video game where when you played it, the black shadow enemies would fight you in real life, and one of them left imprints on my arm in the shape of lego bricks. they could only attack you so long as you played the game, and they tried to capture people and you were supposed to save them. I decided it was my time to play, and I walked into my garage that had turned into a cave with bat-people fused into the wall. I paid them no mind as I rescued a girl who was my irl brother, grabbing her hand and pulling her into another versoin of my garage which was uncorrupted and normal looking. she thanked me, and I said it was no problem. then I tricked her, telling her not to trust so easily, as I became one of the shadow enemies and engulfed her in a black sack, trapping her and leaving the room. I came back a couple minutes later, letting him free (now my brain told me he was my brother) telling him I just wanted to know if I was capable of tricking him, and didnt actually want to kill him or whatever. another big chunk of my dream was taken up by me, my sister, and my dad visiting a run down petting zoo/gamestop. the petting zoo barn was very dark with low ceilings with lots of rabbits and pigs and hay. one of us accidentally killed either a pig or a tiger right next to the exit door, and I had to slink around the gamester trying to distract the owner and keep him from going in the barn and escaping at the same time. I dont remember how it ended, other than me waking up with a sore throat from breathing so deeply through my nose. I had slept on my stomach wit my pillow in my face so I could hardly breathe, and even after I woke up I felt like I wasnt getting enough air. I HATE that feeling, I always felt like I was suffocating in middle school for some reason. I thinkk somethings wrong with my airway but im not gonna do anything about it. im gonna continue to spend 80% of my day laying down so my resting heart rate and breathing speed is slower than an goddamn sloth. whatever.
right now as im laying in bed typing this I feel utterly unpoductive but I KNOW I did SOME shit today. but yeah mostly I relaxed. I worked on my dress, removing and replacing the blue front panel. I lost my exacto knife somewhere so I went to dollar tree to get a knockoff, along with snacks for mom and my sister. the blades aren't as sharp as exacto, but I still know where the name brands blades are so maybe Ill try and see if they're compatible. when I open the package everything was oily and gross, so I washed everything off with soap and water before I used them to cut the threads of the panel seams. I could have used my seam ripper but I wanted to get a replacement craft knife anyway. its kinda neat that it came with 6 different shaped blades for different crafts :) but uhh I also cut out the other half of the circle skirt of the dress, and I have a bunch of extra fabric left over. probably enough to make a whole other bodess if I wanted too. I used my sewing machine to attach the new front panel, and I was hoping to get more sewing done tonight, but when I asked my sister if it was ok for me to use my sewing machine (it right next to the wall between our rooms so she can hear it from there) she said she was going to bed soon so I just attatched the front panel and called it a night. so that kinda sucked. I still have another day tomorrow before I have to work again, and I can still work on my dress on Tuesday after work. idk why my brain thinks that one 4 hour shift is gonna take up my entire day lmao. I just have to get the whole thing done by may 2nd. GOD that reminds me, im gonna be so busy next month. I have six events back to back happening like every other day, plus work. oof. I'll have to let my boss know, but idk If that's gonna make him mad. I've already got pretty comfortable with the lady in charge of the garden center who’s taken lead position while the manager is on vacation, but I dont think I;ll every understand my boss. he’s a sarcastic busy old man and NOT AT ALL approachable. whatever. really the only other tings I did today were drink a shit ton of water play harvest moon, spend too much time on tiktok, and sraw a couple dum things for my friends’ princess au. I fucking HATE the drawing I did for Anna, so I designed her a secondary outfit more inspired by sky pirate bohemian vibes, since she rules over the floating islands. idk if I'll replace her old outfit with the new one in the lineup or just re-draw her old one with better shapes and composition and match the style better or what. I just need it changed eventually becasuse it looks like ass. tbh now that ve taken a little bit of time away from the princess au, there are a couple designs im not 100% satisfied with. but I know that if I go back and make them more detailed or whatever the’ll be more of a hassle to draw and aslkdfhalksdf I dont know anymore. I'm still tied up about color pallets and trying to give everyone a distinct color, and im a little upset it doesn't quite work, and FUCK dude the edgy one’s lore and character are weird and I kind of want to revise it to make it a little nicer but its not my character and I need to stop shoving my dirty little mitts into everyone’s ocs and AHAGHRGHGARGHHG idk man. her power is necromancy and she has a skeleton army, which I think I kinda cool, but I also think it would be neat if her powers extended beyond just that to communing with the dead, helping them find rest, and THEN maybe it can branch into helping fallen soldiers fight again to help them with unfinished buisness. and then if she goes feral and starts abusing her powers, she ignores all the communication and concent with the dead and instead magically rips them from thr ground to do her bidding and they’re uncontrollable and violent and aimless, just like her mind slipping from the magical blight infecting her. idk man we’re till working on a lot of lore. her concept could be SO COOL with just that little bit of extra thought, but so far it’s just MY POWER IS DEATH IM SO EDGY. ugh I know its fuckin rude to bash your friends oc ideas and I might be too overbearing and controlling of this au but dammit im tired and im mean sometimes and my ego is through the goddamn roof and im so sexy and im always right and my meat is huge. ah shit I rpomised my friend I would help her with character design for the dead king but I was busy when she firat asked me and now im not busy but im not doing it ugh. im just frustrated right now because I spent wayyyy to fuckin long just laying in bed watching tikotks and youtube and playing harvest moon an doing jack shit all day. but hey at least I attempted to get a new social security card again today. and them promptly gave up when they said my adress was invalid. again. I feel like im in an uncomfortable medium between having no plans and worrying about the future and having too many plans all the time oh my god. ive been so focused on getting a job and then having a job and making this dress I completely forgot about college shit. thankfully there's no hard deadlines coming up that I haven't already finished. whatever I dont really want to worry about all this hit right now, im just gonna take it one day at a time. (haha it feels like my angel oc just stepped in. how nice of him :) )
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Sleep Tonight, And Tomorrow We’ll Make it Better
Notes: So, I’m still feeling pretty shitty since yesterday after the whole SG cast fiasco, but I still tried to write some fluff (more like flangst considering it starts out super sad) for everybody. Unfortunately it’s not supercorp, cause I’m much more comfortable with Clexa so cause of the shitty feelings I decided to write what I know will turn out better. Anywho, have some sad tired Lexa being comforted by Clarke.
Lexa was tired. So very tired. Everyday felt like she was fighting a sand dune with a trowel. Once she gets rid of one scoop of sand, another simply falls into place. It was a constant battle, and sometimes she could take a step back and see the progress she’d made, the small indent in the giant pile, but today wasn’t one of those days. Instead, she felt weighed down, pressed and crushed under the heaviness of her responsibility to her people.
She sighed as she dragged herself to her room, her shoulder guard feeling much bulkier than normal. She had to stifle a yawn as she reached her door, her exhaustion becoming harder to ignore.
She was tired. Her bones ached and a migraine was slowly starting to pound in her temple. She felt shaky, her skin feeling just that little bit too cold while her insides were too warm. She felt sobs climb in the back of her throat but pushed them down. She’d only let herself break when she was safe under her covers, shrouded and protected by the darkness, when she had the long hours of the night to rebuild herself for the struggles of tomorrow.
She entered and shut her door with a shaky sigh, her hand trembling as it pushed at the door knob. She let herself sniff a little, swallowing thickly; just a little bit longer.
“Lexa? You okay?” Lexa started, turning just a bit too fast. Clarke sat in the sitting area, a questioning look on her face and a sketch book sitting in her lap.
Sometimes Lexa forgot Clarke even existed when the day became too hectic. The blonde just seemed too good to be true. So soft and caring, strong and steadfast. She was like a dream that left a sweet taste after waking. Only she was real, and she was slowly standing, her look of inquiry turning into concern. Lexa couldn’t help but swallow again, her eyes watering.
“Hey, are you okay?” Then Clarke was around her, pulling her into her arms, pressing their bodies together so Lexa could feel her warmth. She shuddered, burying her face in Clarke’s shoulder.
“No…” Her voice trembled as she admitted her weakness, her tears welling faster and faster until they silently soaked the blonde’s shirt. Everything just felt like too much; too much pain and sorrow, and too much sand to dig through to make progress.
She heaved a sobbing breath, her mouth tasting acrid as she shuddered. Clarke somehow pulled her closer all while fiddling with the straps that secured her coat and guard. They came away after a few second, pooling on the floor in a heap. She knew she should feel something about the guard, a symbol of her commandership and the power she holds, being on the floor, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.
She clutched at Clarke as she was led to a couch and eased back into the comfortable cushions. A fur was quickly wrapped around her shaking shoulders. She curled her legs up to her chest as she rested her forehead against her knees. She felt ill, her stomach clenching in hunger from not eating since early that morning, but she knew if she tried to eat it would only make her sick.
“Hey, here, drink this.” Clarke brushed a few strands of hair from the brunette’s forehead, all while pressing a cool glass of water into her hand. Lexa blinked, not having realized the blonde had gotten up in the first place, but drank anyway, letting the water wash away the taste of salt and stress.
Clarke gently pried the empty glass from her hand when she was done, setting it on the coffee table, before pulling her in close. Her head rested against Clarke’s collarbone while the rest of her stretched out atop the blonde. She sniffled again, but took a deep breath and let Clarke’s warmth soak into her.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Warm fingers threaded through her hair, gently untangling knots and snarls, all while offering a light scalp massage. Clarke’s other hand gently rested at the nape of her neck, massaging the muscles gently.
“Not really.” Her voice was thick, throat clogged with emotion. If she was being honest, she wasn’t entirely sure what she’d talk about if she wanted to. There was so much stress and pain and never enough progress and so many steps taken back that she would have no idea where to start, so she simply sighed in relief when she felt Clarke nod, accepting her answer immediately.
“Well, whatever it is, we’ll fix it tomorrow.” Lexa couldn’t help the bitter laugh that escaped.
“I don’t think it’s something that can be fixed in a day, Klark.” She felt Clarke shift, and suddenly felt panic at the thought of her leaving, then the same gentle fingers in her hair moved and tipped up her chin so she was looking at the blonde.
“It doesn’t matter what it is. Sleep tonight, and tomorrow we’ll make it better.” Clarke sounded so certain, so sure, that Lexa couldn’t help but believe, even if it was for a second before doubt set in. But that one second was relieving, just enough to sigh and let her muscles relax so she was boneless and sprawled across the blonde.
Lexa knew it would take work. She still had a long way to go, but she’d made progress. A small indent in the ever growing pile of things she needed to accomplish, but an indent none the less. Clarke was right. Tonight they’d sleep, they’d let her tears dry and her body rest, then tomorrow they’d regroup and begin again.
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The Step-Sister of Luke Hemmings Part 3 ~ Andrew Hemmings
So the day Finally came for Andrew to arrive, I don't think my house has ever looked cleaner. Mum was kind enough to solve all of my worries about the mass murderer Andrew and shipped me off to my Nans, Which I mean I wasn't going to complain, but come on I felt neglected.
Day 1 of Andrew Hemmings
From:Mummy
To: Finley
Hi Finley, I hope you are having fun at your Nans, be good and I will buy you a treat later, I promise. Andrew's plane has just landed so I probably won't reply until the morning once I have met him. Okay hunny have a great night and I will talk to you later xxx
From: Finley
To: Mummy
This better be a good treat and yeah Nan has already filled me up on as much chocolate as she could. Okay that's fine, just don't forget about me when you're having fun. I honestly hope you have a good day though mum, you deserve it xxx
From: Finley
To: Mummy
Oh and I forgot to say I love you, talk to you later xxx
As you can see me and my mum were very close, and as happy as she was about meeting Andrew, well i was quite nervous. We didn't have much family, and that is exactly why we were so close, so her happiness meant the world to me. It still does now.
An hour after i sent my text my phone buzzed again.
From: Mummy
To: Finley
Awh Fin I could never forget you, you're my baby girl. I feel bad for not being able to say goodnight properly so I will ring you before you go to sleep, and then i can fill you in on everything xxx
Wow she was worse than a fangirl talking about the music video her favourite band has just released. After waiting for so long must I add.
It was 22:00pm and my phone started to violently vibrate.
Mum: Hey sweetie, are you okay?
Me: Yeah i'm good, you?
Mum: I'm great, actually i'm better than great. Andrew has only been here for half a day and I feel like I have known him forever. Today has been amazing, he even took me to the cinema to see a film, how sweet is that?
Me: Super sweet, but isn't the cinema for young people mum?
Mum: You're lucky i'm in a good mood hunny, otherwise i'd be right there kicking your backside for that cheeky comment.
I heard a voice calling something in the background, at that time I had no doubt that it was Andrew and I was correct. I had to admit, my mum hasn't been this happy since my dads last leave.
Mum: Sorry about that sweetie it was just Andrew asking what film we should watch next, and if I needed my glass topping up.
Me: Wow another movie? Alcoholic drinks? You really are letting go tonight aren't you?
It sounds weird, saying something like that to your own mother, but my mum stopped drinking completely after my father passed away. And watching one movie after another? Well I either had to be ill or upset for that to happen. And surprisingly that didn't happen often.
Mum: Wait something's wrong, you don't want me to get with another man do you? If you don't feel comfortable with me in another relationship, i'd understand-
I couldn't let her carry on, she sounded deflated saying that, it was horrible. I just wanted her to smile, regardless of what was to come in the future.
Me: Of course not mum, i'm really happy for you, seriously I am. You seem happy and that's all I want, plus you don't want to be stuck with me for the rest of your life do you now?
Mum: Well that's highly debatable hunny haha.
Me: You are happy though right? He makes you happy, right?
Mum: Yes I am, I feel weird saying this but, I don' know, I just feel like I have known him a lifetime. And he makes me feel so young, I feel like a teenager again.
Me: Well as long as you don't act like one mum, we need someone responsible to keep everything going smoothly.
Mum: You couldn't be more right, anyway I best start the film, and you best go to bed, it's already past your bed time. I'll take you to school in the morning so be prepared to get up early Fin because you're not staying at your Nans all day. I'll see you tomorrow.
Me: Okay okay i'll go, but like I said before, this treat better be worth it. I love you mum, goodnight.
Mum: I love you too Fin, sweet dreams.
The line went silent. My mum seemed to like this new man, and if I weren't so happy for her at the time, I probably would've been jealous. But I wasn't. However I was curious. I didn't know this new man yet, I didn't know what he was about. At that point I knew he could play a big part in my future, and so could his family.
Day 2 of Andrew Hemmings
After I had got up, had my breakfast, washed and got dressed for school it was 7:30am. School wouldn't start for another hour and a half. It was only five minutes later that I heard my Nan answer the door.
"Hello sweetheart, did you have a good day yesterday?" My Nan was practically cooing at my mother.
"Yes, yes I did, actually I have someone I am sure you would love to meet." My mum said so excitedly.
Okay this was it, moment of truth. You could probably imagine how I was feeling. This man could be my new dad. It was 7:35am for Christ's sake, I was not ready for this.
"Hi I'm Andrew, it's nice to meet you." A tall figure appeared in the doorway, he was smiling and had his hand held out to shake my Nans.
"Oh, so you're the famous Andrew Hemmings my daughter has been going on about for the past two weeks? Well it is a pleasure to meet you too." My Nan laughed as she said this, and I could have swore blind that my mum was blushing like mad. I had never seen her like that before then. Things were starting to get real.
"Anyway, now you both know each other I think it's time that Andrew met Fin, and then I can take her to school. Fin where are you?" My mum called, at this point all I could think was 'Oh no'. I lightly stepped back into the living room, pretending to be oblivious to what was going on at the door.
"Oh love she'll still be watching TV in the living room, come on let's go to her, you can come in to Andrew." My Nan showed them into the living room. I grabbed my bag after she walked in, knowing that my mum was here to take me to school.
"Hi sweetie! Are you ready to go back to school after a week off?" My mum exclaimed excitedly, as if nothing was different, as if she hadn't brought her new boyfriend into my Nans house.
"'m not five mum, anyway it's way too early to go to school yet." I finally spoke. It was weird. I glanced at Andrew and he smiled at me so to be polite I smiled back, "Hi" I whispered, directing it at Andrew because although I was not really comfortable, my mum is amazing and taught me to have manners.
"Hello, you must be Finley. Your mother has told me so much about you. She seems to be really proud of you and I can see why." Okay so you know when people babble on to much, probably because they are extremely nervous. Well yes that is what Andrew was doing. "I have children, three actually. Maybe one day you can come to Australia and meet them. I'm sure you will like them, especially Luke. From what I have heard you are just like him" He stopped talking. I was staring. Rude. I looked at my mum, a plea for help. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know what to say.
"Yes, maybe one day. And yes sweetie we are early, I was thinking of taking you for some coffee before you go to school. I know your Nan doesn't drink coffee, so I thought you might like the idea." Thankfully my mum got us out of that awkward situation.
"Alright but I get to choose what we listen to." I said grabbing my leather jacket and my phone.
"Finny, you can't wear a leather jacket to school, it's April you'll boil to death." My mum moaned at me, it's nothing I haven't already heard before.
"It's fine mum can we just go?" Okay so again. Rude. But I just wanted to get the first Monday over and done with.
"Alright come on, but Andrew is coming with us." She said, I saw the look of horror on her face thinking i'd say something rude.
"Okay but I don't want to be late so lets go." She looked relieved, truth be told she didn't have to be worried in the first place, at this point I didn't have anything against Andrew.
We all got into the car, at the time it was a Range Rover Sport. I may have only had one parent, but she had a good job and plus we got quite a bit of money after my dad passed away. So to be honest I didn't really have a hard life, we were quite well off, I was just missing my dad.
"Good Charlotte, mum, I wanna listen to Good Charlotte." I said before she even had chance to turn the radio on. And thank God I did because what a year 2012 was for music.
"Calm down Finny let me get the CDs." After a couple of minutes rustling around my mum finally found the five CDs. "Okay which one do you want to listen to?"
"The Young and the Hopeless, it seems fitting for my first day back at school." Andrew laughed like a mad man, which to be honest he could have been. My mum put the CD into the slot and the first song,'A New Beginning' came on. Oh how fitting.
"Wait I have heard this song before i'm sure of it." Andrew carried on listening until the chorus, "Yes now I remember, this is Luke's favourite band. The Madden brothers are in Good Charlotte aren't they?" He questioned, and well okay about how I was saying I am polite before, well, whoops.
"Yeah they are, but it's kinda weird how you don't know your own sons favourite band just by name. Mum knows all of my favourite bands. And dad used to know all of my favourite songs. He even knew all of the songs that would make me cry." The car stopped at a halt and then mum glared at me for a second before saying.
"We're here." So we all got out of the car.
"You're right you know. About me not knowing my sons favourite band, it's just I don't have custody over him and so I don't see him that much." A pang of sadness overcame me. I felt terrible and know he was being really nice to me.
We finished at the coffee shop, and then i went to school. My mum picked me up after school to take me back to my Nans and said she wouldn't be calling tonight because she has a lot of work to do, and so do I. So then i had to go the rest of the day without my mum, which was weird because I always had my mum.
So that was part three, I am sorry that my page is kinda messed and I don't have a masterlist to link each chapter to, but I'm new to this and don't know how, so if you do know how to please let me know. Other than that I will try to update a lot if you like this series. Also there will be smut further down the line but Finley is only 13 at this point so you may have to wait for quite a while.
#5 seconds of summer#5sos#luke hemmings#calum hood#ashton irwin#michael clifford#the step sister of Luke Hemmings#step brother#step sister#5 es oh es
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im back. 2 days in a row. new record.
Workout tonight, when you get home
Call a lasik doctor
Make a hair appointment
Please call a counselor, you need mental help
Pack so you don’t have to worry about those orders
Close out orders asap. Don’t open anymore
Think about what you can do to better yourself
You already forgot what you wrote down on the post its
Youre not a failure, itll be okay
Don’t quit
Hi dear, im back. Its happening again. I need an outlet. Who knew that yesterday would call me back. To my old ways. Of writing to a tumblr when I was in a crisis. Im crying for help. But no one can help me. I can only help myself. I can dream that I can only help myself. Its not fun. no. its never fun to feel like I need to work on myself. I hate feelings. Feelings are not fun. it makes me sad. That’s why I love Korean dramas and fanfiction so much. Cause its an outlet for me. To project my feelings in a way to protect my real feelings. I love to blame fanfiction and shows for making me emo. Now that I think about it, I just want a normal reason to cry. I don’t want to cry because I feel weak. Who does that. Who likes to embrace that theyre feeling feels. That’s not fun. its normal. But it wasn’t normal for me. Not for TS. Now people are asking me to open up and they think that’s normal. Its not normal. Nonetheless, I want to go into this with an open mind. It’s the only way to save my relationship. And my mind. Ill call the counselor tonight. Maybe after we weight each other…. Im not looking forward to that. God please help me. I know im overweight, im probably obese. But now what do we do. Its going to be hard to lose the weight. At least when I think about buying chocolate, I think twice before I actually purchase. I tried the other kind of chocolate, the healthy one with nuts and dark chocolate. Is it great? No its not. But it’s a solution. Sometimes im just craving something sweet that should be enough to calm my sugar rush down.
Im going into this with an open mind. Im going to get lunch. I need to document everything so when I reread these, I can try to figure out how my mind works.
So things have calmed down. But things will also never be the same. I mean I hope it will be. But who knows. Im aiming to make everything normal again. To disprove everything he says about me. But I guess if hes right in the end, theres nothing I can do to change that.
Im also stressing out before my boss is coming back tomorrow. Congrats. You have a boss again. Wow this is going to be fucking nuts.
My mind is skipping again. As if it was trying to make sense of what Im saying. I need to pretend like FM is gone. Not my bf. So I can figure out what life is like without him. I need to start letting go. it’s the only way to disconnect myself… and learn how to control my feelings again. Im getting comfortable and that’s never a good thing. I want to show him that I care about him. As more than a friend. Im lazy to have sex. Im sorry. But I got used to feeling this way. And I don’t see anything wrong with it. I also think its cause of my weight gain. I say this as im eating chocolate covered blueberries. But I guess its better than eating milk chocolate. I just finished my 2nd serving. I should stop now.
The stupid people behind me think I don’t know whats going on. Good luck. Everyone is going to get thrown a curve ball tomorrow. Everyone doesn’t know. But I know. Cause my supervisor told me. Now what. Whats going to happen now. I don’t know. I just know that I’ll be gone for most of the day. And they cant say anything about it. tomorrow is going to be one hell show. I know it. I know it. I know it. nothing will help me now. theres no way to prep for this. Was this their intention? To take me by surprise? Im lucky I asked KA for a portion of the day out. Because if I had waited, theres no way she would have said yes.
So the development between FM and I is that, we’re not going to act the same around each other. If we cant be the same, theres no point in leading each other on. I want to be with him but its confusing. Im hurt. Hes hurt. Do we need to go through another break up to focus on how we feel about each other? What happens when we get married. If we get married. Who knows where we’ll be in the next 2 weeks. Who knows if we’ll even go to the concert anymore. I can still cancel the hotel. I can even cancel my PTO. But…. I wont. Because I believe that what we have is special. And we’ll be able to move past this again. I just hope I can actually change though. Because he wont change unless I change first. He wont change unless I change first. He wont change unless I change first.
I have to understand myself now. It’s not just about me anymore. It’s about our future together. I would love for him to make moves on his future though. He’s been trying to become a marine for years now. How many more years will it take… I hated school. I hate my job. But I’m here now. I went back to school so I wouldn’t be tied to a basic job. This is a career. It’s a career where I make decent money. It’s not the best. But it’s a career. Where I can fake my way to a bigger salary. It’s not a job. Where there’s no health care. How are we supposed to take care of each other? How is he supposed to take care of me? No health care. Money is random when he’s lucky. It’s a hard job if you don’t have your own truck. So now he needs a truck. Can he take care of me right now, no. he can’t. It’s clear. I still have to take care of him sometimes.
Im not here to rag on him. Im here to sort out my feelings. Here to sort out my feelings. So I can make sense of them. I think that counselor will really help tonight. My plan tonight, workout, pack, weigh myself, call the counselor. I want to be in the right mind when I call. I don’t want to waste this opportunity. Its unfair. I want to help myself a bit before I ask for help from a stranger. I can talk to a stranger. I just realized it’s the same concept. I can sing in front of a crowd. But when it’s a personal talk with someone I should consider a friemd or a FM, I close up. Because I want to appear good and happy. Strong. Even when my actions say otherwise sometimes. Or am I confused again. No Im not confused. I want to appear strong. When im the weakest person amongst the pack. Im not strong. Im not strong. I want to work out so I can look good. I want to feel good about myself. I don’t want to look in the mirror and feel bad for myself. I should do things for myself while we’re taking this time apart. I need to have my eyes checked. I need to work out. I need to cut my hair. I need to. Wait heres a list
Workout tonight, when you get home
Call a lasik doctor
Make a hair appointment
Please call a counselor, you need mental help
Pack so you don’t have to worry about those orders
Close out orders asap. Don’t open anymore
Think about what you can do to better yourself
You already forgot what you wrote down on the post its
Youre not a failure, itll be okay
Don’t quit
I just copied this on top so I can see this…. I need to pay attention to my mind. I should reread my posts… that’s another thing I should do. Lets do that. Don’t worry. Everything will be okay. Just focus on your goals. For this Lenten season, I wont eat milk chocolate. I should pray more. I shouldn’t worry about group orders anymore. I should quit. 2017 Lenten season, I give up milk chocolate and group orders. Congrats. I should also sell my shit. I don’t need it anymore. When orders slow down, when packing is finished, move on. To your personal items that you no longer want. That’s a good idea. Many good ideas. Focus on yourself. don’t bother FM too much. No more fighting. No more fighting. I cant take it anymore. Its too much. But I don’t want to leave.
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Day 3, Tuesday, October 3rd
I wake up at 9:30 am, attack my phone alarm with a vigorous "fuck that" and set it again for 10:30 am. My alarm goes off at 10:30 am, and I officially wake up.
I fell asleep around 1:00 am last night, and I mentioned yesterday how I love my 9 hours. I'll try to go to bed earlier tonight. I had a dream that someone was trying to force me to drink blood, so if any of you super cool dream interpreters can guess what that means, let me know.
Yoga class - "Pranayama Yoga To Move Energy" - 12:34:
SIKE!
Apparently while doyogawithme.com has lots of free classes, but a few videos are subscription only. So when I click on the link to this video and see "subscription only" I simultaneously roll my eyes and harshly exhale out of both nostrils at this minor inconvenience. Ah, yes, minor inconveniences; the bane of any millennial's existence. The same video is provided for tomorrow, so I will have to find yet another replacement for it for day 4.
Okay, now for real this time...
Yoga class - "3 Yoga Breathing Exercises for Anxiety" by Caren Baginski on YouTube - 7 mins:
If you try this video, you'll noticed I picked a pretty easy video for today. It was very helpful, especially the switching nostrils one (forgot what that one was called). I'll need to remember these when I have anxiety.
Guided Meditation - "Transform Yourself" - 15 mins:
Okay guys, I have a confession to make on this one. My brain could not shut off and I was too restless, so I only made it through 8 minutes of this guided meditation. I tried to follow the imagery of imagining light flowing through my body, and I did my best but it didn't help much. One thing the speaker said that I will mention is that you choose how you think and feel about yourself, your life, and your surrounding. And while people with mental illness such as myself can often think the opposite, that you can't control how you feel or think, in many ways you actually can. More often than not it's within the means of actually forcing yourself to replace the negative intrusive thoughts with positive or realistic thoughts than actually making yourself feel something, but if and when you continue to make yourself think healthily, you'll start to feel better emotionally. This is easier said than done, but it is true.
Read a Proverb - Proverbs 3:
This is a pretty famous chapter of Proverbs for Christians and Catholics of the world. In it are these verses, 5 & 6: "Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take." I first read these verses in early 2010. The fact that I can actually remember the year is pretty cool, since my memory pretty much sucks. Actually, my memory basically works of it's own will, selecting at random what information I will and will not remember. Anyways, these verses have always had a lot of meaning to me. It pretty much sums up God's intended experience for a person who believes in the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ and His salvation. That's why I don't worry too much about how my life goes and the way I choose to live it. As long as I'm saved, and I believe I am, regardless of what happens to me, I know how things will turn out for me in the very end.
The rest of the chapter reiterated the theme of Proverbs, which is to delight in wisdom, knowledge, and understanding, so that you live a good life. It ends with some good general pieces of advice for life: use common sense, when you see someone who needs help, don't hesitate to help them, don't hurt people, don't pick petty fights with people, don't act like violent people act, and if you dedicate your life to wisdom, you will "inherit honor".
Blog post - TWLOHA - "Beyond Shades of Gray" by Sharleigh Thomson:
At the beginning of this article, Sharleigh defines how we as a society talk about something clear and defined. "You've either attempted or you haven't." But then she begins to describe what she calls a gray zone as the place where you desperately want to escape from the pain and being willing to die to do so. "A place where you might have the means, the will, the plan, the note—everything but the follow through." And good fucking god, I know what the gray zone is like. I instantly identified with the author of this blog post. She proceeded to describe how she was once unable to find the words to truly explain her experience and her pain. That there weren't enough syllables in the English language to describe just how hard what she was going through was. She started talk therapy, but had trouble opening up and finding the words to explain herself to her therapist. He suggested that she start writing down how she was feeling. My therapist told me to do the same thing, and I reacted the way Sharleigh did: with stubbornness. At that time she believed that writing was some sort of cop out. I used to believe that if I couldn't find a way to say it out loud, how the hell can I get it one paper? Well, as I've discovered, the opposite is true sometimes. If I can get my thoughts, whether they are complete sentences or not, out on paper (or most likely, the notes app on my computer), then I can form the way to say it out loud. As a matter of fact, writing down my train of thoughts has lead me to more epiphanies than I ever expected... I've got to start doing it again.
Finally, after another suicidal episode, Sharleigh gave in and began writing. She said that it started out dark and emotional, but eventually became something personal, beautiful, and hopeful. She found a way to break down her problems in her writing. Then she began to write plays, poetry, and blog posts about her experiences with mental health and suicide. Hey, I'm doing that last thing now! What a coincidence.
I haven't written poetry since I was a teenager. My poetry back then varied in quality, a good portion of them being angsty emo depression poetry about how much I hated my life. But I'm sure if I looked back into my old journals (which I somehow still have after losing the rest of my belongings over the course of a few months before moving to Florida), I could find two or three good ones. I wish I remembered how to write poetry. Not that it's all that hard, so long as you're good with words. But I have no idea what to write a poem about. I don't want to write one about my depression or anxiety, because I have grown to enjoy poetry that ends on a positive note, and I have yet to find a positive note for a poem about depression. It's not that I'm this huge pessimist, I know there's a light at the end of this dark ass stanky ass tunnel, but I just don't know how to end a poem anymore. I don't like writing poems about nature, because those are boring. I have a sense of humor, but for some reason I'm put off by funny poems. Oh well, maybe I'll find something to write a poem about someday.
As the blog post starts to near it's end, Sharleigh tells of how she rebuilt herself through writing, and how while she still feels darkness, she's still willing to keep creating things and searching for hope when times get hard. I'm trying to have that same attitude. Practice makes perfect, I suppose. She ends the post with some encouragement to stay alive, to find a way to make your voice heard, and most importantly, to find what you were made for. I appreciate the encouragement she offered, and I hope others who read that article find comfort in them, but more often than not I read inspiring words and ideas and they have little to no affect on me. It's the reading equivalent of "in one ear, out the other" (in one eye, out the other? I don't know). But when push comes to shove, I do get it. Really, I do. And she's not wrong. I suppose one day I'll find myself smack dab in the middle of what I was made to do. Maybe I'm doing it now. Regardless, though I don't feel encouraged, I'm choosing to be encouraged. I'm making it my state of mind rather than waiting to feel warm and fuzzy. It's all I've got right now.
Encouraging someone on reddit - r/anxiety:
I found an easy one. And when I say easy, I mean I had the experience to give to this person who was nervous about increasing their dosage of their antidepressant. They said they were afraid that increasing their dose from 10mg to 20mg would make them feel "weird". I let out a light chuckle when I read that, because if any psychiatric drug is gonna make you feel "weird" (or in my case, a fucking zombie), it's not the antidepressants; it's the antipsychotics. I told them about how I was misdiagnosed a year ago during my mental breakdown and was put on some VERY HEAVY antipsychotic drugs, which made me act like a robot. Ask my dad, he saw me a lot at that time. I had no emotions. My mother, who at this point lived across the country from me, even noticed that I was different. Now I'm not saying antipsychotics are bad, because some people really do need them. But if you don't need them, they definitely make you more numb than anyone needs to be, and not the "high" kind of numb, but the "I feel literally nothing; good or bad" kind of numb. I then told this person that I have had times in my life where I was only on an antidepressant. I've tried a bunch, and coincidentally, along with my vast experience with psychiatric medications, I've also experienced being on Lexapro alone. So I told them it doesn't make you feel weird, and that it is more likely to help them than anything. Or a bit less likely (but still possible), it could just not work for them at all and they need to try a different antidepressant. All in all, I hope I at the very least encouraged them not to be afraid to increase their medication, so long as the doctor says it's best.
Walk:
The neighbors came by today to let us know a few sex offenders live in our neighborhood. One guy even lives just a few houses down. Fortunately, all the ones closest to us are child sex offenders, so I'm pretty sure I'm too old for them to want to assault. Regardless, my mom made me take her stun gun with me while I went for my walk. I listened to another one of my favorite bands, Gazpacho, this time. It was nice and peaceful. On my way back a dog started following and barking at me for a few yards, until its owner got it to go back to its house. I laughed as this was quite amusing. Instead of getting followed by creepy sex offenders as my mother fears, I was getting followed by a medium sized brown yapping dog. When I got home I felt refreshed, and my depression went from like a 8 down to a 6, so there was some improvement.
End of Day Notes:
I don’t know if I feel any different yet. But then again, it’s only the end of day 3. Any noticeable improvements seem small: the morning pranayama yoga centers and calms me for the day, I’m starting a routine which always brings a sense of accomplishment, I’m learning a few things from what I’m reading, and I’m getting better at giving encouragement or advice.
So at least it’s something.
P.S. I promise I’ll make this blog look pretty at some point. I could have done it today, but along with all my goals, I spent 3 hours cleaning to whole house, so I didn’t have time to work on this blog’s appearance.
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The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. (NOT tonight - I just mean at some point in our lives - this is NOT a terrorist attack - believe me, I do NOT have malicious or evil intentions - well in my opinion at least, but sometimes our perception of ourselves differs to how others perceive us - but does that really matter? All I care about is what I think about myself) Wait, Hang On I Lied. There's one more certainty in life. That you and I are human beings. (Well, I do hope so. After all, I only know who I am. And only you know who you are) Yes I tried my best to think of an engaging first liner to grab your attention. (And if you're still reading this now - it must have worked!) I was just worried with all the 'clutter' and 'competition' out there that you could potentially miss this. And yes that's also why I have the photo of a cute baby. And also because we were all once babies at some point in our lives (well unless you came out another way which is not a certain opening in a female body) And before you amazing security officers out there, Who work super hard to protect your citizens, Even on the weekend (which is meant for rest with family) (and shout out to everyone in Australia who still worked today on Mother's Day -your sacrifice of your treasured time which could have been spent with your Mother (the technical economic term is opportunity cost - in case you were wondering - yes I know you all are secretly nerds) Will never be forgotten) Ok so back to you security officers Think of shutting this down, I assure you that this is NOT a security threat. It is NOT an act of cyber terrorism. 'So what is it then?' - you find yourself thinking (Yes I am a mind reader) Today marks a turning point in the course of mankind. Today marks a day that hope is restored in the world. What you are seeing today will be written in history books for future generations to come. We will make it in a Guinness World Record Book for 1. The most number of people clicking going on a facebook event 2. The most number of people posting on a facebook event page 3. The most number of people sharing the same message across social media I know what you're thinking. Well this girl sounds 'ambitious' Which were common responses I got Well yes, This is 'ambitious' I think so too But 'ambitious' and 'reality' are NOT mutually exclusive (is this the right term? I always struggled with probability in maths) But it's going to happen - keep reading on if you would like to see how history is going to be made :) (But technically, history is being 'made' every single day by each and every one of us just be being alive - even going to the toilet and eliminating waste is technically 'making' history) Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. (And news outlets out there! Please choose a decent photo of me [ie. not one where my armpit hair is showing] Actually, I don't mind if you can find a photo of me with armpit hair. (Yes - that's a challenge!) (We all have hair - I don't see what's the big deal) (Why would you want to see a photo of me with armpit hair when you can just strip yourself down [yes I put this in just for you - you know who you are xD] and just lift up your arm and VOILA!!! Hair before your very eyes!!!!! ) (I'm actually super hairy In my opinion For a girl) Also, I'm going to keep on ranting about this (again, PMS is a real thing for the female population - have sympathy for us fellas!) Another thing I do not understand is why we must wear clothes And in some places in the world, Such as Australia, We can actually get charged with a criminal offence (and maybe be put in gaol) For stripping down in certain public places (with some exceptions such as nude beaches which are mainly filled with elderly people right now - I reckon we can diversify that a little) And showing our 'private parts' (but are our 'private parts' really even that 'private' after all if we all have them? (well I know it differs between females and males)) but yeah - and some of us have unique bodies - either born naturally or through operations - I respect that - it's your life and you choose how you would like to live it - and which gender you would like to live as and which private parts you would like to have) And in some places like Australia, Myth has it that the bigger something (something in a similar shape to a sausage) is The more masculine a male is Well to me, that's absolutely bullshit I don't know how these 'myths' even originated! All sizes are beautiful to me! Ok, so back to me and armpit hair: I filled in one of my friends' survey about hair and shaving yesterday. Why is shaving a thing anyways? We all have hair on our bodies (well some more than others but we all do) Why is it often socially unacceptable for girls have to have cleanly shaven armpits when they wear sleeveless tops or dresses? And why is often socially acceptable for males to not shave?? Now that is gender discrimination to the max! Why is this NOT written in the Discrimination Act in Australia?? (or maybe it is - I have to admit I haven't read it - and I highly doubt that my fellow Australian peers have either - but apologies! If it is in there!) And on that note of Discrimination, It is so real And close It still happens today in the 21st century!!! Right here in Australia This week, I had the privilege of talking to a beautiful Indigenous lady I've always been curious of Indigenous Australian culture (do you know that Indigenous Australian culture is the oldest surviving culture in the entire world???) WOW Because I certainly didn't know this. If Australia was a person And let's just say I was that person for theoretical purposes I would go around showing that off I would tell everyone I would tell the entire world I would be super proud of that I would make sure the entire world knows (but why doesn't the entire world know?- well maybe it's only me who is oblivious and ignorant and unaware - and maybe all of you do know this - please correct me if I'm wrong) Ok, so yeah. This beautiful Indigenous lady (and I do remember your name - I just want to make sure I respect your privacy before I decide to put your name here for the world to see because there's no way that I have been able to contact you) Said her dream was to become a cook (yes you go girl!) And she applied for a cook job recently. She was called in for an interview. But as soon as she showed up, They told her the position had been filled Now if that isn't discrimination to the max, I don't know what you call that I was super angry when I heard this. Now those of you who know me know that I don't normally get angry It takes quite a bit to get Leeann angry (I give off the impression of being a calm, controlled, sweet, pure and innocent girl) If I was present at the time, I would've taken those café owner(s) to court. And sue you for breaching the Discrimination Act Because the legislation is real and it is properly enforced (well I don't work in the legal field so I actually wouldn't know) But nothing in the world (I believe) cannot be resolved with Honest and open Communication. Just by opening our mouths and making some sounds (I think that's what we call a language), Together, we can solve any problem And we must learn to be accountable And take responsibility for our own actions Like a girl (why do we tend to say man? Are we trying to imply that females are less brave than men? My fellow female population Let's band together and prove them wrong -Trust me boys, you never mess with girls, We will make sure You Rue For The Rest Of Your Life Until The Moment You Die :) [just kidding XD- no I'm not kidding here] Yes, we must take responsibility for our own actions like a girl (I remember seeing a campaign trying to challenge gender stereotypes a couple of years back - that was awesome! I forgot what it was called though but I do remember it so it means it was effective) And I will illustrate this with something we all do -fart. Why do we feel the need to suppress our urges to fart? If you stink up a room with your own smelly gas, Then at least do it proudly! Make it as loud as possible! And admit it was you! And apologise maybe! OR, if that's too scary for you, I have another suggestion which has largely been inspired by one of my close mates (who I'm sure would probably appreciate it if I don't name and shame them - your very welcome in advance =D) This is no magic but You simply tell the person you're talking to or the people around you that you need to fart And head outside To do the deed. Then walk back in. And continue with your life. Easy. See, life isn't at all that complicated is it? (I know! I'm a genius!!!) Prior to my launch tonight, I shared my initiative 'Die To Live' with some fellow peers. I had many people who doubted me. But I also had many people who had absolute faith. Now, I don't blame those of you who I spoke to and doubted me. If someone told me that at Sunday 9pm on the 13th of May, 2018, Hope will be restored in the world, That the world will be changed And that it will be a major event in history, I will look at them And think they're nuts! (And no, in case you were wondering, I don't mean the pecan nut, macadamia nut, or peanut) And some of these people also looked like they wanted to lock me up in a mental health hospital. But what does it even mean to be 'mentally ill?' Am I considered 'crazy' just because I have different opinions that nobody else seems to have? Does that make me 'mentally ill?' (Correct me if I'm wrong, but in my humble opinion, that just means I'm a human being) While we're on the topic of 'mental illness,' Check out the School of Life and one of their recent videos Called something along the lines of - why the modern society makes us mentally ill I watched it over breakfast yesterday and could not agree more (i promise that this is not paid advertising/product placement or whatever we choose to call it) Because it's so good that I voluntarily choose to 'advertise' for them The School of Life does not need any paid marketing (yes you girls are awesome!) But at the same time, Yes, I get you. I wouldn't believe it either Until I see it unfold Before my very eyes Myself. But I certainty would not lock someone with different thoughts to mine in a mental health hospital, away from the rest of society. I would simply respect their opinion, try to understand and empathise from their point of view and then move on with my life. And I also had one special 'case.' You know who you are. You're the person I bumped into and didn't think I was 'insane' but instead thought I was plotting to commit suicide at 9pm Sunday May 13th and then upload 13 videos onto Facebook with each video incriminating a different person who lead me to end my life. -Just like the TV series - 13 reasons why Oh you funny!! (but I'm even funnier xD) But you had faith in me and that's all that matters :D Life is NOT a Television series!!! (For those of you who don't know what a TV is - it is essentially a virtual reality -trust me though, it's nothing special - and you're not missing out - because you're living your own reality instead - and I believe that is infinite times cooler than watching someone else's) But what I don't understand is why some of you who doubted me had absolute faith in science. (I'm not throwing shade here [or am I? - well too bad too sad because you'll never know what goes through my mind] but Shout out to that person I had an extremely heated intense friendly 2 hour banter sesh about science and religion a couple of days ago) Those words you used cut me But I forgive you Because I know you didn't mean it Because, in my humble opinion, science is a belief system in itself based off faith. For example, most of us in today's era believe that the Earth is round. And this is 'proven' to us through science. But until I personally travel up into space and view the Earth from a distance with my own very eyes, I refuse to believe this as an absolute 'truth.' (but even then, I may not even trust my own eyes - they could be lying to me - I could just be hallucinating) We often like to think we are 100% certain of many things in our everyday lives. Perhaps uncertainty makes us feel uneasy. In my opinion, we dislike uncertainty. Which is why we try to structure our lives and lock ourselves in some kind of routine to try and eliminate uncertainty (but this is simply NOT possible in my opinion - the only certainty in life is death - but even that's not even certain) Who said we should eat 3 meals a day - Breakfast Lunch And Dinner (for those of you who don't know what I'm rambling on about - because I'm aware you may or may not have ever eaten a proper meal (yet) - they're just names some of us use to tell ourselves when we should eat) Wouldn't hunger be a better indicator of when to eat instead of locked in time periods? And who said that we should aim for 5 serves of vegetables and 2 serves of fruit per day or something along those lines? (Yes it's a rhetorical question - I know who - 'official' nutritional guidelines or something I think) Because for me, if I know that the only certainty in life is death I would rather eat what I want to eat If I enjoy the taste of it But at the same time, it is all about the 'balance' (as Katherine Du likes to say) (there will be more on food and eating in the second part of my 'story' -I'm not going to tell you all of it now -just to make sure you keep reading heeeheheheee) And who decided that humans should sleep once a day? And it has to be at nighttime? And who came up with the guidelines that children need about 9-10 hours of sleep per night And that adults need about 6-8 hours per night? (Yes I know - it is scientifically 'proven' - but how did you scientists come up with these numbers? In saying this, I have the most utmost respect for you scientists -I'm just curious -it's hard work working in labs -I have some mates studying science/medicine and they tell me about their 4 hour lab sessions When I heard this, I was angry Because That's torture! Abuse of human rights!! Because I get hungry every 2-3 hours!!!) Wouldn't sleepiness and fatigue be more appropriate signals of when to sleep? Mum, I know you will read this. I did tell you that your friend's daughters will probably read my 'story' first Then tell their parents Then they will call you up And tell you to read this. (I wasn't at all wrong about that was I?) I have to main things I would like to say to you mummy: 1. Happy mother's day! 2. I love you Remember two nights ago when I got home and slept at 7pm Without eating dinner? And you were upset the next morning that I didn't eat your food? I apologise again if I hurt you, But I feel like it was not that necessary to 'lash out at me' when I asked (just innocently out of curiosity): Who decided that humans should eat 3 meals a day? OK so back to the science and religion 'friendly banter' I had Once again, the only certainty in life is death. (and I will repeat this numerous times throughout my 'story' just to annoy you - <3 - I challenge you to count how many times I mention that - and maybe there will be a prize for the person who gets the right number or gets closest to the right number! - just like those jelly bean in a jar guessing competitions! - just kidding - I'm not serious on this one - I can't be bothered to count myself - I have bigger fish to fry ;)) People thousands of years back were 100% certain that the Earth was flat. But they were somehow 'proven' to be 'wrong'. Now we (or just me) are 100% certain that the Earth is round. So in my humble opinion, we can only 'disprove' things but never 'prove' things. We merely get less 'wrong' each time round (Manson, 2016) But we are never 100% 'right.' Anything is possible. (Well maybe besides eternal life beyond Earth - but even that is not 100% impossible) So, an anonymous person who wishes not to be named recently brought to my attention how Fast the world is changing around us. For example, Facebook was invented in 2004 - it's only been 14 years - but I seem to hardly remember any parts of my life without Facebook in it) Wikipedia was launched in 2001 (and I didn't get this one from Wikipedia) (I don't know how I wouldn't 'survived' all those assignments without you! Thank you Jimmy Wales and Larry Sanger! And bless all you other inventors out there who invented something useful to humanity! Again, bless you all who believed me without needing to see it happen. You know who you are. I will never forget how you made me feel. There is nothing that fuels the human spirit like faith. (unless it's more alcohol) Complete And Utter Faith. Even my mother who raised me for 19 years and whom I crawled out of her (something - let's just say body) Doubted me. Yet some of you had utter and complete faith in me within minutes of talking to you for the very first time. And I reiterate again (mum, I'm not throwing shade at you here) If I had a daughter and she told me she's on a quest to change the world this Sunday at 9pm on Mother's Day, I (I don't know what I would do but I would probably not believe her) So….back to how Every single person in the world will eventually receive my message. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'read' because I am also aware that language translation will be needed. TIP: Try copy and pasting this into google translate! (man technology does wonders!!!) And also because not all of us are blessed to be taught how to read. As to why I chose to use English, It's because it just happens to be the language I'm most fluent in. And also because, for some reason, English also happens to be the 'universal' language used across the world. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'see' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to see. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'listen' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to hear. I chose to use the word 'receive' instead of 'smell' because I am aware that not all of us are blessed with the ability to smell. (this doesn't really have anything to do with what I'm saying today because in my humble opinion, I don't think we can smell a story??? - well feel free to prove me wrong - nothing is certain in life besides death. TBH (to be honest), I just wanted repetition for a couple of lines because I learnt in high school English, that it will help deliver my message across) And I also say 'eventually' because not everyone in the world as it currently stands has even seen what 'technology' looks like, let alone have access to social media. That’s why I'm relying on YOU all to translate my message and communicate it to these fellow peers. I'm just one person. And I need your help. I can't do this alone (but I will if I have to -but ideally not!) So you find yourself still thinking…. 'Ok, I still have no idea what this post is about.' (Yes I am actually a mind reader) Apologies! I'm only human and I'm flawed and I do occasionally get just a little side-tracked and distracted. You're life has value. You were born for a reason. And I will prove it to you. (Yes - I remember whispering this in one beautiful human's ear a couple of days ago. This beautiful human was so selfless and looked out for me when I was not in the best state of self (this hero walked into the female toilets since I was chundering and got kicked out of security guards as a result) (this hero was prepared to take me home on a 1.5 bus ride at like 11pm at night towards a direction which was completely opposite to where he/she lived) (and this hero probably got some of my churned up mix of food and alcohol on them too - soz) (and I apologise again for that other beautiful human who I chundered on their hand -soz not soz - HAHAHA -I do mean it when I say that (now you're probably wondering which part I'm referring to [well you'll never know! Heheee - <3] ) And thank you to you too! You know who you are! I love our long-as text message chats! And that card you wrote me for my 18th last year -those words really touched me Even though we meet up like once (ok I may be using hyperbole here - I'll say twice) a year, You mean the world to me To me, friendships and relationships in general are much more than hanging out in real life, To me, friendships and relationships are more about having that emotional/spiritual connection with another human being To me, friendships and relationships are not defined by physical presence (although I do believe hanging out in real life is nice too - but life sometimes takes us in different directions - and that is not always possible) You may love another person dearly, but that doesn't mean you necessarily have to be together with a physical presence. 'True' love, in my opinion, is when you genuinely want the best for the other person And being genuinely happy to see them happy Yes that night at Metro Theatre in the city, I got kicked out by security guards within 30 minutes of going inside for a combined university event. I think (and you never trust a drunk person's memory) I had about 11 shots of straight vodka that night (looking back, that was not the best idea) Those security guards who kicked us out were not the nicest people. I know that Deep Deep Deep Deep Deep Down That you guys are beautiful people - just please bring it to the surface and show it to the world You could've been a lot more nicer. After I got kicked out and as I was walking towards Maccas (yas I love you maccas - happy meals were my childhood - why are soft serves $0.75 now? They used to only be $0.30! Inflation is a real thing! That's why I love economics! - I'm expecting a massive surge in economics students both at high school and university heheehee - economics teachers and lecturers - you are very welcome XD) In my drunken and semi-conscious state, I remember vaguely rambling on saying things like Why are people like this? Why are people so mean? Why is the world like this? And probably also crying my chunder out at the same time I was always that good straight A studious nerdy student who always did my homework on time and listened to the teacher in class. I waited till I was 18 until I had my first legal drink. (well I did occasionally have some sips of wine at home over dinner but nothing substantial until I turned 18 -unlike most Asian dads, My dad encouraged me to drink at home - he was more than happy! - you're cool dad xD - just wanted to let you know that) I was at a university first years camp when I had my first drink. I remember feeling sad because the alcohol was way too diluted -and I was too 'heavy-weight' -and I couldn't physically drink that much fluid to feel drunk because I was too full Looking back, I was probably drunk and was probably on the verge of my limit But I didn't know because I've never felt what it was like to be 'drunk' Then about a month and a half later, I went to one of my mate's surprise 18th I wanted to 'test' my 'limit' I drank as many different types of alcohol I could get my hands on Rum Vodka Soju Gin White wine Red wine Whiskey Tequila You Name It (well probs besides Maotai which is $$$$ - and we were all young dumb and broke uni students - yes Khalid I love you) And you can probably guess How my night turned out My face was in the bathroom sink for about 3 hours (well it felt like 10 minutes to me but I've realised my perception is super distorted while under the influence) Thank you to those who accompanied me for the entirety or a part of those 3 hours - I'm sure it didn't make it onto the best nights of your life list I remember feeling so ashamed after. I could not stop thinking about it for at least 3 weeks. My reputation! Like most people who chunder for the first time, I vowed that It Wouldn't Happen Again. (deep inside I knew it would because I just wasn't happy and I knew I would turn to more alcohol to distract myself from that constant emptiness but I didn't see another alternative back then) But my brother and mates weren't at all that 'wrong' when they said something along the lines of That's what they all say. Within a couple of weeks (or months - if that detail matters), I Unsurprisingly Chundered Again. And then I repeated what I said previously. And I got the same responses as I did before (kind of like déjà vu) And then the cycle kept repeating itself so many times that I lost count of how many times I chundered Because I stopped caring My 'reputation' was damaged beyond repair anyways And I was happy with the new me (the person who started to care less about what others thought of me) I was always that super good girl who was sweet, nice and 'innocent' (whatever that means) But what does it even mean to be 'innocent?' What's the definition? A lot of my friends had often commented that when they first met me I seemed like an innocent girl then they realised they were 'wrong' like super 'wrong' - completely off Does the fact that I love alcohol And the fact that I've chundered more times than I remember And the fact that I like to squeal at high pitches to the point it may cause long term ear damage (apologies to those people who I have damaged your hearing permanently) And the fact that I really enjoy raves And love waking up to hardstyle music every morning And chucking a phat (someone please explain to me why it's spelt with a 'ph' - I tried googling but I never found an answer - I guess you can't find all the answers to life's problems on google) Muzz To start my day Make me any less 'innocent'? OK so back to that night I got kicked out of Metro Theatre. It was that night when I realised you beautiful humans had my back. And I will forever have yours too. You are all beautiful. And I still remember that night like it was tonight. And I will never forget it. It is around 9pm here where I am in Sydney, Australia right now. There are approximately 7.6 billion people in this world (rounded to 1 decimal place and 2 significant figures - or 'sig figs' - I'm not talking about the dried fruit here) (according to the World Population Clock at 12:18pm yesterday - Sydney time) I may just be one girl. But one girl can change the world. If you don't believe me, I will prove it to you. (200% guarantee Just take a screenshot of this message When you visit me in gaol/jail [depending on where you live in the world] Effective for one year within today HAHAHA in case you haven't realised already, I'm only kidding) Why must we rely on legal systems and laws to protect ourselves from lies? Why can't we rely on trust instead? I realise that it's probably impractical to scrap our legal systems together -but I do reckon mixing a bit of 'trust' into the mixture won't hurt And I am aware that I live in a hole (not literally) I have lived in Sydney, Australia for most of my life Which I know is not representative of the entire world. Some of the things I talk about may make absolutely no sense to you. But I only humbly ask that you take a moment to understand what some of your fellow peers on the other side of the globe go through on a daily basis or have experienced Even if it is super foreign to you. (If you check up on the news on a regular basis, This should be no different I guess But probs maybe just a bit more 'spicy' and realistic) I'm sure you would like to same favour (or should I say flavour HAHHAH - gosh I'm so funny!) to be returned to you. Can I count on you guys (and the entire female population - I don't know why it's normal to say 'guys' for both genders) to have a read of what I have to say first And try not to act on any prejudice or judgement Before you decide to shut it down? Yeah, sorry, I got a little side-tracked again So… The only thing that we know for certain in life is that all of you reading this right now and myself will DIE. So what is the point of staying alive now if it's all going to come to an end? Why are we living to die instead of dying to live? All of us have a mother. (assuming you are all humans like me and started with 'something' that happened between a male and female) I love my mum. Without my mum I wouldn't be here tonight. Without my mum I wouldn't have the opportunity to connect with you tonight. Without my mum you wouldn't be reading this tonight. In Sydney, Australia, Today is Mother's Day. And it's no coincidence that I've chosen this day to connect with you. This is because today we show our appreciation for the beautiful and incredible woman who brought us into this world, whether she is here with you or not today. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who sucked up the discomfort of having a massive bulge sticking out of her belly for 9 months. Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who suffered physical pain and bleed from childbirth. I don't think there can be any other pain greater than the pain of childbirth (well I haven't given birth so I guess I'm not qualified to say so) (Yes the cute baby photo was specifically chosen to capture your attention) Today, we show our appreciation to the woman who blessed us with a life full of opportunity. Mother's Day is today, in Australia. Why are we on social media? And I am no hypocrite here. Why am I myself on social media tonight? Why have we felt the need to create a 'Day' for all our 'Mothers' out there? Is it because, without a 'Mother's Day,' we will forget to love our 'Mothers'? Shouldn't our mothers be appreciated every single day? (Same for all the 'Father's' out there!!! I love you Dad) In the past, all I did for Mother's Day was go to the shops and buy a box of chocolates or some flowers or whatever was on "Mother's Day Sale." But I've realised there are many things that Money Cannot Buy. (feel free to prove me wrong here) There are many things that cannot be Bought And Sold Based on demand and supply on a Market (Yes I love economics!!!) Love. Time. Purpose. Faith. Hope. Life. The List Goes On And On . . . In my humble opinion, I feel like some meaningful celebrations have been overly commercialised in some 'developed' countries. I feel like Christmas Day is more about buying presents and decorating the Christmas tree. I feel like Easter Day is about eating chocolate shaped in an oval egg shape (or bunny or whatever fancy shape chocolate is moulded into to make it more appealing to buy and eat and make it seem different but at the end of the day it's just chocolate - well maybe different in the sense that it has differing percentages of cocoa content - I'm personally a big fan of dark chocolate! - I reckon 70% is just 'perfect' - well just 'right' - because nothing is 'perfect' but also nothing is 'right' - so yeah, I just contradicted what I just said). I feel like ANZAC Day is more about eating ANZAC cookies and buying things with the Australian flag printed on it. And I feel like Chinese New Year is more about receiving free money from relatives (as long as you are unmarried). Now, I'm not suggesting that you should all divorce or remain single for life and go become Chinese. I'm just telling you about my 'blood nationality' and our culture. Also, while we're on the topic of marriage, I am not at all against marriage (I think marriage is wonderful and Western white wedding dresses are super beautiful on brides), in my humble opinion, I don't really understand the point of marriage? To me, Love is about remaining loyal both physically and emotionally to another human of our own choosing (in my opinion, regardless of gender). Personally, I don't see the need to have my 'love' with another human solidified by the legal system under a notion called 'marriage.' I believe if we truly 'love' another person, We should be able to trust them to remain loyal (both emotionally and physically) to us without protection under the legal system And live together happily ever after (Yes I'm a big dreamer and lover of Disney and I believe in happily ever after fairytale endings with my Prince HEEEHEHEE) And, while we're on the topic of Princes and Princesses and fairytale endings, (I know we all love a good romance on such a dark, romantic night here in Australia and most stories told through mediums such as books and movies tend to have at least a touch of love in them And some have a bigger focus than others *Cough* *Cough* Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet) One of my favourite TV shows (back in the day I still used to watch TV) was the Bachelor/Bachelorette <3 But now I prefer to live in my own reality TV show instead of watching another's on an electronic screen To my Prince out there, (yes you know who you are) Who wishes not to be named (and shamed - hahah just kidding - Well, hopefully you don't find what I'm about to say to be too embarrassing) The way I fundamentally feel towards you has not changed one bit And I'm not talking about hate here (jokes! I lied! I actually feel even stronger towards you now <3) And gosh, No other human on Earth has ever made me cry as many times as you have. No one can compete with how many rivers on Earth I've filled with my salty tears. (everyone else reading this, please don't try to break the Guinness World Record here - I reckon I've had my fair share of tears and breakdowns) And I meant it when I said nobody has ever made me feel this way. (or something like I've never felt this way towards somebody - or the other way around - well I guess that's not important) (and well I guess it does make sense that everybody feels differently towards each person because they're different people) -that paragraph was very coherent - I know I've already told you this directly but repetition surely doesn't hurt! Thank you for always considering what is best for me in everything you've done. (Well I hope that's what you've been doing - only you know what's going inside that interesting head of yours) Thank you for teaching me the importance of honest and open communication. I would never forget that night when you asked me out in the most romantic location one could possibly think of. (Solid memz) (And great place IF we have any future anniversaries) Thank you for all the 'fun' experiences we've shared together (Yes you know which one I'm referring to in particular ;)) I hope we have many more nights just like that (well maybe just a bit more) You're a Tim Tam Because You're Simply Irresistible And you know which Guinness World Record of mine (or personal best) I would like to break ;) (please don't go finding another planet to live on to get away from me) And I love how we always go 'hunting' for the same places when we're out and about in public ;))))) I also would like to say that I miss you. A lot. <3 (AWWWWW) And I've been thinking about you A lot. (AWWWW) And Just like how I've previously never envisioned a life without a uni degree till this Monday, I've never been able to envision a life without you in it (and I probably won't be able to - but nothing is certain besides death - so I could be wrong I guess) I was never quite a full believer in soul mates Until I met you There was always a 'mystical' feeling I felt around you. I never understood what it was Until now I thought it was just 'lust' Or you were just secretly a 'fuckboi' (whatever that means) But I realised it was much more than that. OK, that's the last (massive) chunk of cheese I'm feeding you guys (for tonight). And I'm sure the rest of you have eaten enough cheese for the day. And I don't want to make you puke tonight. Because that's not my job -That's the job of your significant other <3 I don't know what you were expecting when I messaged you yesterday asking for your permission to have your first name in my 'story.' Well, since you said no, I assume you probably weren't expecting this. (man I had some great jokes I wanted to crack with your first name - GRRRRR) But again, as I have already told you, In this life, If we would like to have a nice and healthy relationship, We must accept the fact that we have the right to both reject and be rejected by others. And others hurt us but we also hurt others. That's just part of life. So, I respect your decision. I had to get that off my chest. Because now, When I'm on my deathbed, I don't have to be wondering what could've been had I chosen to tell you. Instead, When I'm on my deathbed, I can spend my last hours reflecting on what a wonderful life it's been Surrounded by my family and closest friends. Now, I've done everything I possibly could within my control. Now, it's all on you now. And please respect how it's a private matter between us two from now on. Your own love lives are much more interesting than mine. Trust me. Why would you want to see how someone else's story ends (or starts) when you can be writing your own 'story?' So go out there and tell that person you've been wanting to tell how you feel how you've felt all along! Be a girl! Growing up, it was always drilled into me that guys should be the ones chasing girls and girls should not chase guys. And that girls should play 'hard to get' Wouldn't life be so much simpler if you start feeling like you like someone, To say something along the lines of: "Hey. I like you. Do you feel the same way?" Then it can either only go one or two ways (Well we all hope it goes one particular way) And then you can move on happily with life and find someone else who also feels the same way and live happily ever after (well unless you're super unlucky and get a fence sitter And apologies, if that's the case, I don't have any further advice for you - you're on your own then xD) I used to think that expressing my emotions was a sign of weakness. I was 'wrong' (whatever it means to be 'wrong' or 'right') But I've realised it actually takes a lot of courage. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you feel hurt by something they've done. It takes a lot of courage to tell someone that you love them. But, in my opinion, by telling others how we feel, It actually liberates us. It allows us to make amends Instead of letting resentment build And then exploding later Like our own internal Big Bang Because in my Theory (I guess you can call it the Big Bang Theory), believe me, in my experience, I have exploded many times (not literally) By letting my resentment build (under the influence [heavy] of alcohol) If you don't believe me, Believe Bronnie Ware!! For those of you who don't know Bronnie, She worked as a palliative nurse for 8 years looking after people in their final days alive. And she writes in her book "The Top Five Regrets of the Dying," That one of the top 5 regrets she heard from people with limited time on Earth was that they wished they had the courage to express their own emotions. I used to put on a face and act like something that really hurt me didn't affect me at all. I don't understand why I aspired to be a 'psychopath.' Because a key characteristic of a 'psychopath' is that they feel no emotions. Our ability to feel emotions, whether that be: Happiness Disappointment Joy Anger Resentment Love Is what makes us human. Why do we attempt to 'dehumanise' ourselves? So back to marriage…. Again, I am not against marriage. Well, even if I am, why should you care? It's your life and you choose and how you would like to live it. And believe me, in my humble opinion, life is too short for you to spend a couple of minutes writing a nasty comment trying to convince me of the importance of marriage. (Well if you decide to do so, I'm absolutely honoured! because it means I'm super important to you because you care a lot about what I think) But for me personally, I would just like to wear a nice white pretty long wedding dress for fun and take some photos around my closest family and friends Anyways, got a little side tracked again. Back to the topic: I know that many of us struggle or have struggled to find meaning in life. I'm one of them. And I'll be sharing my story with you. I know if I don't wake up tomorrow, I can Rest In Peace. Apologies, if I have generalised or made false assumptions in parts of my 'story' by using words like "We." I know that there is no other certainty besides death. But sometimes, it is 'easier' to do so to illustrate a point I'm trying to make. I hope you understand. If you don't like what I have to say, you can either (Mark Manson): 1. Do nothing OR 2. Do something I value all opinions and perspectives. I only ask that you do so in a courteous and respectful manner. Growing up, my dad was always the logical one and less of a 'dreamer' than I was. I tried having D&M (Deep and Meaningful conversations) with my Dad but they never turned out the way I hoped. 'Dad, what do you think the meaning of life is?' 'There's no meaning. You live. You die. That's it.' Wow! So optimistic Dad!! I love you Dad! Growing up, you also 'tried' (and I use the word 'tried' because you weren't that successful in doing so) to drill into me that it was a waste of time and energy to 'care too much' about the world Because you said there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to accept life the way it is. Well, back to Mark Manson's two options, You can probably guess which path I decided to take (and it wasn't to accept it I Refuse to accept the world as it is) To all my fellow peers out there, If I have offended you, please let me know. I am not perfect. I don't try to be perfect. And I don't need to be perfect. And as much effort as I've put it and how hard I've tried to minimise resentment and offense, (Just like how I'm trying to be at the minimum point on the parabola And at the maximum point on the parabola with my impact) I'm only human. And so are you. And to further illustrate my point that nothing in this world is 'perfect' (apologies if this sounds like an essay), My 'story' is not fully edited. I've ran through it once - made some changes and this is what you're reading now. There are errors. There are bits repeated. There are bits that make no sense whatsoever. This is to further highlight my belief that nothing in the world is 'perfect' (or the real reason could just be that I'm lazy and cbbs editing it) LOL DISCLAIMER: I do not accept any legal responsibility for any tears shed Or any laughs shared Or any puke vomited from cheese overload in the process of reading my 'story.' (Oh and in case you haven't realised already It's also R rated And if you don't know what that means Adults only!! - just kidding, anyone can read my 'story') I reckon that our mental state would be a better measure of our 'real age' Because our age is just a 1, 2 (or 3) (or 4) (or more) digit number which doesn't indicate anything about our 'maturity' level (whatever that means) nor our 'wisdom' (whatever that means) You are reading at your own risk. Remember It's YOUR own life. And YOU choose how to live it. (Please show appreciation for the fact that I've been nice and have made this disclaimer at a font size that you can actually see) [Tip: Get a box of tissues ready (don’t worry if you don’t know what tissues are - they just help absorb our tears) You can live without them! Actually we can live without a lot of things If my house was on fire, i know what i would choose to take - nothing at all - nothing but myself and my family - I slept in a room with nothing [not literally] but a mattress laid on top of the carpet on the floor with a blanket, pillow, oxygen, walls, life and I was clothed too] And in case you were wondering, I didn't choose to do that for fun. My house was under renovations for a couple of weeks (we repainted the entire house and changed the entire carpet) And during those two weeks, I felt like I was 'homeless' I can't imagine what it's like to actually be sleeping out in the open on the streets Or being a refugee I felt like I was being kicked out of my own dwelling and I didn't belong - I felt lost and very uncomfortable OK, so here's my 'story'. https://leeannchn.wixsite.com/dietolive/single-post/2018/05/13/Lets-Not-Live-To-Die-but-Die-To-Live
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August 30, 2017
I forgot to mention that yesterday I came to work and found my inbox filled with about 65 emails. Sixty of them came between 7:00AM and 7:59AM. One every minute. They were reminders to upload attendance information for the last drop-in we had, which I uploaded on the day of the drop-in, so that was annoying just by itself, getting a reminder to do something I did two weeks ago. Sixty reminders is a bit excessive. I emailed the IT guy who wrote the attendance program and he got back to me letting me know it was a mis-click on his part. He had set the reminder to happen at 7:00AM but then also set it to happen every minute, starting at 7:00AM. Whoops. It should be fixed now. Hopefully.
I also decided yesterday that 'denounce' should be the antonym of 'announce'. Just saying.
Today I woke up with a headache and as the day progressed my neck got progressively more stiff. I obviously slept wrong. The headache eventually subsided but now it is a literal pain in the neck to look to the right.
The staff meeting this morning was about harassment. We watched a video that had a decent production value about various forms of harassment in the workplace. The best part about meetings about harassment in the workplace is all the joking about harassment following the meetings. Later in the day I needed to borrow the credit card to buy wire for the maker faire and the administrative assistant said it would cost me, quid pro quo. That was one of the forms of harassment talked about in the video. I thought it was pretty funny.
And speaking of that wire, we decided on the final ideas for the maker faire, one of which is the telephone wire bracelets, so I bought the telephone cable today. I got fifty feet and it is twenty-five pair cable, meaning fifty wires. So, if we cut it at five feet intervals we can get five-hundred bracelets out of it, which should be more than enough, and if there are leftovers we can use them for a craft night.
My boss posted information about active shooter situations in the library, due to what happened in New Mexico, and she included a video about Run. Hide. Fight, which is supposed to be our response in an active shooter situation. I watched that video and then went down a mini rabbit hole of other active shooter videos. It is scary to think about but it seemed much more likely to happen when I was working at the elementary school. That was also much more depressing to think about because a school filled with kids is much more tragic that a building mostly filled with adults. No offense to adults.
I have now heard back from three libraries about their Kindle programs. Two have discontinued them because they kind of ran their course and the other library still has them but they check out very infrequently (she thought only twice in the last ten months). Not great but I still think there is potential with our homebound patrons. I'm going to create a survey to take out and see what their interest is in getting Kindles. That will really determine if this idea is worth anything. If they aren't interested then there's no point.
My tour went well this morning and it lasted the perfect amount of time because I only had a few minutes to kill before lunch. The group all had varying levels of mental illness or handicaps. Thankfully one of them was pretty talkative and asked a bunch of questions which gave me more stuff to talk about. The others were pretty quiet, so I don't know what they thought of the tour but it seemed like I kept their interest the whole time. It was my second tour and I think I'm getting better at them.
This afternoon I got sidetracked while on desk and started looking at braille books available through ILL. I still remember a bit of it and want to relearn all of it. I also want to learn how to actually read with my fingers. That's the real trick. Our one-on-one tech lady has a braille writer in her office so at some point I might borrow it.
I feel like I'm forgetting something about work but I'm moving on.
After work I picked up Qdoba, running into the new librarian while in line. It is interesting how socially awkward we all can be outside of the library. It was the same when I ran into another librarian at the grocery store. Very interesting.
I went to my Mom's house after picking up the food and we ate dinner, watched the news, and then watched YouTube videos. There were a bunch because we missed last week. Most of them went over well but it is easy to tell when my Mom or sister start to lose interest.
I got home around eight o'clock, quickly ran through the few YouTube videos that looked interesting from today, and then I watched the last two or three episodes of the fifth season of New Girl. And now I need to wait for season six. Waiting sucks.
Now I'm going to record my audio journal so I can go to bed. Hopefully I will sleep better tonight. It would be nice if my neck isn't stiff tomorrow and/or I don't wake up with a headache.
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4/22/17
This week with Josh has been so frustrating. I have been mad this whole week. i actually considered keeping the kids this weekend instead of them being with him. this is the first time i have done this. after meeting his gf and not getting an apology. Monday i asked him for an apology and he looked at me and asked for what. So I had a conversation with a float nurse who is my situation 20 years from now. Her ex husband was abusive in a different way. They had 3 kids together. Her youngest would cry when going to her ex like Owen does when i leave him. She knows how heart breaking that feeling is. Her other kids adored her ex. They were never able to coparent. At events they would leave her and go sit with him because they didn’t see him. But even when they lived with him they still sat with him. I read on my coparenting facebook group that a woman was hurt because her kids were not allowed to make contact with her in public because the father would punish her kids. Alysca does it to Vanessa too. Shes so conditioned she wont even say hi when her mom isnt around. So i know that is a real situation that could happen. So Stacy, the float nurse, stayed hurt for a very long time in many situations because her and him could not get along and the kids were forced to pick sides. Now two of her kids are living with the father and since they moved they have been brainwashed into not talking to their mom. She aches for them. We are pretty much strangers and everytime she walks into our office she tells us about her kids. I can see Natalie doing that to me. Shes a lot like me and i eventually walked out on my mother to live with my dad. My mom was a shitty mother and physically and emotionally abusive. i yell at the kids but i dont beat them or call them names. i try my best but im the discipliner and josh is the weekend dad. Stacy talks about overcompensating with her youngest because she doesnt want to lose her. I do that with the kids. i go out of my way sometimes to make them happy. My biggest issue and regret is being on my phone when theyre around. its just my way of unwinding from my day and staying calm. im so tired when i get home from work and then there are 500 more things to do. i think if me and shawn get together and i have a little extra help my relationship with them will be better. right now there is only one of me and two of them and they are in such different stages of life. its hard to accommodate both of them. my other issue is my high cleaning standards. i need to relax and put it off til the weekend. shortcuts are okay sometimes. but it makes me feel like a failure. So anyway, after that conversation i really started thinking about withholding the kids for the weekend. i really didn’t see it fixing anything. it would just be rocking the boat. So i decided to talk to him first. i brought owen to the park and he called me. So i told him i was thinking about keeping the kids for the weekend and asked him why he thinks i would have to do that. i realized during this conversation that i have to talk to him like i would have to natalie. That they have the same social knowledge. He first said it was about the paystubs. It took him 11 days to send his paystubs to the lawyer and that was only after i asked for it. i told him that that was a frustration but not the reason. Then i asked again. He finally admitted that it was prolly cuz of courtney. And then i brought up how he wouldnt apologize to me on monday. he told me that he was just thinking about dropping the kids off and not about what happened. I told him that it hurt me so much on saturday that i could barely get out of bed. that i was suppose to do something very important that day but i couldnt do it cuz i was so hurt and depressed. i told him i cant be a good parent and hurt all the time. he admitted that he SHOULD HAVE apologized. they he almost said that he apolo....then he changed what he was saying. it is so hard for him to be remorseful. he just couldn’t say the words. finally, after me nagging at him about not being able to say it, he said he sincerely apologizes to me. i bet his mouth was bleeding after that. then i changed the subject a little. i asked him why he would let me go after his gf like that. he wouldnt really answer. he basically said that he was holding owen and didn’t want things to escalate by asking me to stop or leave. the truth is that i was holding owen the whole time. and he never defending her, me or the kids, only himself. he threw her to the wolves like he did to me with alysca. i told him that once i was courtney and i know what its like to have someone you feel should protect you and doesn’t. i told him that he doesn’t know how to love people and he should think about why that was his reaction because that is really important. This whole week ive been sending him quote and descriptions of sociopaths. He fits him to a tee. I dont know if he thinks so or not. theres really no cure for it. he thinks hes better than other people, he doesnt think he needs to apologize for hurting others, he doesn’t know how to love people. so in the end i asked josh if he wanted our relationship with our kids damaged because we couldnt get along. he said no. i told him i want to try coparenting again but i need a break. i said maybe around owens bday ill start talking to him again but until then its just the kids and the divorce that will be talked about. and even that will be minimal. so i fucked up and forgot owens medicine at drop off. it just didn’t cross my mind. so tonight im going out of my way to go skating with me dad. i think ill just drop off the meds with his grandma. i dont want to see the house or let the kids see me and hear owen cry cuz im leaving. it will break my heart. i dont want to see her car there. i dont want any part of it.
Something very cool is happening to me. i started seeing Luann again for weight management. i have been basically plateaued at 220 since july 2016. i started creeping up again during the holidays and got back down and then i started creeping again so i made the decision to start weight management again. this is the only way i have ever been able to lose weight. as of yesterday i was down to 217.8. i finally got over the first hump. my next will be 210. that is where diane told me she weighed in at. if i can get under that ill be skinnier than her. 200 will be a huge one. i havent been under 200 since my jr year of hightschool. it would be amazing to be close to that when i go on vacaion. my ultimate goal is 180. when i was eating my normal amount of food i was always afraid of not getting enough nutrients if i ate smaller portions. today i kinda realized that i only eat a certain amount of food per day, say 1500 calories. Those 1500 calories better be very nutritious. this week i ate basically a dairy product and fruit for dinner, a meat and veggie wrap or salad and meat and veggies for dinner. i did eat one sweet potato once this week. i found some bread that is 35 calories per slice and had a couple pb and js. its not perfect but its working. my snaking was out of control before i started the meds. i would just eat constantly. i was like a smoker with unsalted nuts and prunes. i listen to my dad and his diet stuff but i have to remember that he isnt to his goal weight. he still eats fast food and goes crazy on cheat days. i dont need cheat days. i like my cooking and i love veggies. why would i pick pizza when i can eat a steak and asperagus and mushrooms instead. tonight im going skating. idk if hes gonna wanna go out or not but im gonna try to get a salad or something similar to that. i can alway bring it home and eat it tomorrow or for lunch. no biggy. i feel like shit when i stuff my face. its painful. im waiting for shawn to notice im losing weight. that is going to be really cool when he says something about it.
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