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dallina17 · 1 year

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I am obsessed with the song Idol of Yoasobi (again) and now I am imagining an Idol AU of Neo based on Oshi no Ko. First, I want to clarify that this is not a RWBY as Oshi no Ko characters. I am taking some elements of Oshi no Ko and Neo is somewhat based on Ai's story, but more oriented to her motivations and feelings than... well, the whole having babies at 16 years and dying at 20's.

There is some death and trauma thou.

With that being said, lets start!

Neo was born the daughter of Carmel and Jimmy Vanille, Trivia Vanille. From a young age, it was clear she wasn't able to speak, something her parents always hated her for.

Her mother worked with Lil Miss Malachite on Malachite's productions. The daughters of Lil Miss, Melanie and Miltia, were child stars, and Jimmy and Carmel wanted Trivia to be a child star too but "how can she be a star if she isn't able to speak?". And, as if that wasn't enough, she had heterochromia that her parents forced her to hide with brown contact lenses.

Another person that worked with Malachite was his right-hand Roman Torchwick, who organized the films, series, music groups, and even sometimes had to babysit the little monsters called Melanie and Miltia.

Because Trivia couldn't be the star they wanted, her parents cast her aside and never showed her any form of love. She didn't have any friends in school and when she was accompanying her mother to the productions, Miltia and Melanie used to bully her.

This led to Trivia never knowing what it was to be loved or what it was to love someone.

Trivia desired to be a star. An idol like the ones she heard, maybe if she was, then her parents would start to love her. But how could she be one if she wasn't able to talk not to say sing?

Despite that, she was very good at dancing! And sometimes she read the scripts of films and pretended to be many characters, saying the dialogue with sign language. She was very skilled but no one noticed.

Until someone did.

Roman was told to keep an eye on Trivia, but unlike Melanie and Miltia that were two demons disguised as humans, Trivia was always calm, obedient, and sweet. They didn't have much interaction, but he had some fondness for her and soon noticed her talents being wasted.

One day, he told Lil Miss to include Trivia in one movie. It took some time, but, because she wasn't going to play any major role, she agreed. Carmel was even more reluctant, but ended up saying yes due to her boss asking it.

Trivia didn't know what to think. All her life she had been told she couldn't be a star because of her muteness. Her parents hated her for that. And now she was going to act in a movie? What if she messed this up? What if they hated her even more? Roman noticed her nervousness and told her she had nothing to be afraid of. He gave Trivia the courage she needed and she did an amazing performance.

The movie was a success, and a lot of people talked about the little mute girl who added more fright to a movie already terrific.

Trivia was happy with her performance and soon started to play in more series and films. Always minor roles, but it was enough, for once in her life she was appreciated, even if it came from strangers she didn't know and never from her parents. She was told that she was loved. If only she knew what it meant, if she could only feel it.

Roman took her as his apprentice, and they started getting together more and more. With time, Trivia spent more time in Roman's house than she did on her own. He taught her everything he knew, and the two of them became very close. He always congratulated Trivia, and she always felt happy when being around him. Comfortable. Appreciated in a way she never felt with her parents.

Roman adored the girl. She always listened to him and took his advice to heart. She was fun to be around, they shared meals, pretended to play music together, he even learned sign language to communicate with her better. Still, he never showed her how much he loved her.

Because like Trivia, he didn't know the meaning of love. He grew on an orphanage, abandoned by his mother. Never knowing what it was to feel loved and to love someone.

What if he said "I love you" and it was a lie? One he knew a lot of famous people said to please their fans? One he told Trivia it was okay to say?

He saw her dancing to the songs of the famous group STRQ, Trivia's favorite. Roman knew that she had nothing to envy from them, Trivia was skilled and talented, one of a kind. If she were to be an idol, she would be the best one the world had seen. So he proposed it to her.

Trivia thought he had lost his mind.

Trivia, signing: Me? An idol? That's not possible. It's one thing to act in minor roles but, being in a group? You know I am not able to speak. How would I even sing?

Roman: There is plenty of technology. I am sure you would find some gadget to make a synthetic voice. Besides, your muteness would make you unique, think about it "The idol who made her way through music despite her muteness"

Trivia, signing: ...Even if that is true, I sure wouldn't be able to love fans, and sure they wouldn't love me. Idols are people who say I love you to the fans and so on, but if I said that I would be lying. When people say they loved my performance is okay, I don't have to answer. But as an idol...

Roman: So what's the problem? Lying is okay. In fact, pretty lies is what the fans want. Lying is a talent, you know? Is okay, lie as much as you want.

Trivia, signing: Would it really be okay? It's okay if I said "I love you" even if it's a lie?

Roman: Yes. And you do want to love people, do you not? You just don't know how. If you sing and dance, that's a way to love fans. If you become an idol, your songs will be full of love words. Besides, the more you say you love them, the lie can become true.

Trivia deeply thought about it. Being an Idol was something she had forgotten a long time ago. Could she really become one? She loved to dance, she had never been able to sing, but what if Roman was right? What if she found a way? And to feel loved, to be able to love, if she became an idol, would she finally understand what it meant?

Finally, she agreed to Roman's proposal. The two of them made a deal: He would start his own company, and when Trivia was sixteen, she with other teenagers would form an idol group. Until that, she would practice to become the best idol she could.

Everything was perfect. For once, in her ten years of living, Trivia was able to dream of a bright future in the entertainment industry. She would become the idol she always dreamed of. And Roman would be by his side, Roman, the one she could trust, Roman, the one who had always supported her, Roman, the one thing she appreciated in a world she hated.

But the dream never was accomplished.

The day of her eleventh birthday she decided to spend it with Roman. Her parents made clear they had no time for a celebration, and she didn't mind, not anymore. The two were about to have lunch when the bell rang.

Roman opened the door. Someone stabbed him. Roman felt. The assassin tried to go against Trivia. They were about to stab her too when Roman took out his gun, shot, and killed them. Trivia called the ambulance, but it was too late.

His last moments Roman spend them hugging Trivia, was she okay? Was she not hurt? Ah. How glad was that he had taken her under his wing, taught her everything he could. All his life had been miserable, but she brought him a bright happiness he had never had before. She was going to become an idol right? How he wished he could be with her, guide her, see what kind of adult she would become. See her being the star he always knew she was. She might be Jimmy and Carmel's child, but she was like a daughter to him. His precious star.

He still had something to say to her before passing away. He hugged her more, placed a hand over her cheek, and said:

"Trivia, I love you"

He felt relief. He had been able to say it. That wasn't a lie. He loved her, he always had. He went in peace.

But Trivia was heartbroken. The only one that made her feel something positive, the only one who cared about her was gone. She wanted to kill the one who did it, but that person was already gone.

Or not?

From there I don't really know how the story goes. I know that Roman had a testament where he left everything he had to Trivia, she deduces that he knew someone was after him, and also realizes that the one who killed Roman was a hired assassin, so there is someone pulling the strings who wanted Roman death, and she decides that she will find them and kill them in vengeance.

He was a loner like her, so his only contacts were with the people he worked it. The people of the entertainment industry, so the person she was looking for had to belong there. If she wanted to find them, she had to be at the core of the entertainment industry.

So she decides to still become an idol, but this time not for knowing the meaning of love, but to find the real killer. She spent the next four years practicing and becoming skilled at dancing, she even got a gadget to emulate a voice for the singing part. Her parents were against that dream, so she decided that not even they would stop her revenge.

So she ran away, dyed half of her hair pink, stopped using contact lenses, and started living in the house that once belonged to Roman. She changed her name to Neopolitan. One year later, when she was sixteen, Evernight Studios were searching for four candidates to form an idol group. Evernight was one of the world's most famous if not the most famous company. If she got in, she would have it much easier to achieve her goal.

So she auditioned. Maybe her skills were not perfect, but everyone could see she was one of a kind. She wasn't only beautiful, but her mismatched eyes and hair drove attention everywhere. With her in the group, success was guaranteed. The only condition that the boss, Salem, put her, was that she had to pretend to have a voice all the time, she couldn't just use the gadget for singing, she had to use it all the time

Neo wasn't very happy with the idea, but if that was what was needed to accomplish her revenge, so be it. That was her first lie, the first of many.

She formed a group with Emerald, Mercury, and Cinder, and the four of them started their path to becoming stars.

From then I know even less. I don't know who send the assassin to kill Roman, but I know he left a letter for Neo that she finds after a long time, that made her realize he loved her, something that she forgot after all that time for being obsessed with her revenge. This helps her realize she had loved him too, even if she didn't know it at the moment.

Yang is the secret child of Raven and Tai, Ruby is the secret child of Summer and Tai. Summer is killed because of the same person that wanted Roman dead, an assassination attempt is what made Raven leave and disappear from the map.

Weiss's father has his own company, but Weiss chooses to join Ozpin's because she hates her dad and forms an idol group with Ruby, Blake, and Yang called RWBY.

Neo eventually reveals the secret of her voice and accepts her disability with pride.

The one pulling the strings tries to kill Cinder too, but she survives with half of her face burnt and without an arm. Neo saves her because she is not losing another person she loves to that psycho.

And of course, Neo's first "I love you" goes to her most dear friends, Emerald, Mercury, and Cinder.

#oshi no ko #rwby #rwby au #alternate universe #my au ideas #trivia vanille #neopolitan #roman torchwick #cinder fall #emerald sustrai #mercury black #idol au #Neo is a mix of Ai and Aqua #Roman is a mix of Ai and her producer #With an extra amount of pain because I say so #How much I want my Neo to suffer? Yes #But she will be okay eventually #I think #oshi no ko spoilers

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walkswithmyfather · 1 year

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“Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” —John 14:6 (NIV)

“Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken.” —Psalm 55:22 (NIV)

“Very truly I tell you, whoever hears my word and believes him who sent me has eternal life and will not be judged but has crossed over from death to life.” —John 5:24 (NIV)

“For everything that was written in the past was written to teach us, so that through the endurance taught in the Scriptures and the encouragement they provide we might have hope.” —Romans 15:4 (NIV)

“The Bible is Alive” Devotional By YouVersion - Day 6: “The Bible Brings Hope”:

Ghana* was a devout Muslim until she discovered the life-transforming power of Jesus in 2016. But after converting to Christianity, she was abandoned, shunned, and ostracized by her community and family. At one point, her children were taken away from her and sent to a different country.

And although Ghana refused to renounce Jesus, she found herself without a solid support system to help her grow closer in her faith. Lonely and depressed, she even considered committing suicide. But eventually she met someone who downloaded YouVersion onto her phone.

At first Ghana wasn’t interested, but later she began reading the Verse of the Day at dawn so that she could meditate on its meaning and use it as a guide for her day. And over time, something unexpected happened…

“The verses became alive and dwelt inside of me. They taught me how to deal with people in healthy ways, and they helped me recover from my depression. Even though I was abandoned, I found comfort any time I read it. Anytime I read the Verse of the Day, in some special way it lifts me up and gives me hope. It’s as if God is always directly speaking to me through the verses.”

Ghana now looks for opportunities to share the Verse of the Day everywhere she goes. She posts verses online to encourage her community, and talks about Scripture at work with her coworkers and clients.

Her story is just one example of what God’s Word can do in all of us. Situations may shift, emotions may fluctuate, people may disappoint or abandon us—but the Word of God endures forever. And because of that, we can experience peace and hope that transcends our circumstances. Because when we allow God’s Word into our hearts, it will remain there.

Today, ask God to bring His Word to life in you by praying this prayer:

God, You made me and You know me. You alone have the power to transform my life. So today I am asking You to align my life with Your Word. No matter what I face, give me the boldness to remain true to Your Word so that I can proclaim Your truth and love to the people You place in my life. Make the roots of my faith grow down deep as I draw close to You. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

(*Name has been changed to protect the identity of the person.”)

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undertsums · 1 year

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RoMay Pink

TIME FOR THE BEAN, THE PRECIOUS BABY BEAN! PinkRoman I am still writing stuff, just lately got drawn away because of PerfectKidRoman.

So to clarify this Joyce is different from OG Joyce. This one never met Roman because well PinkRoman was meant to be the one to have met her but the meeting happened too early thus causing the creation of PinkRoman to happen.

It was a normal day in PinkTale until Joyce found a skeleton child. Joyce was very shocked as Sans and Papyrus were supposedly the last of their kind. But maybe not since this skeleton existed. Joyce took them to Sans and Papyrus, unable to get a word out of them. Papyrus was very happy to see another skeleton and brought the two inside.

Sans was pretty shocked as well and they figured out PinkRoman talked when she was asked questions. It was how they found out her name, but sometimes she wouldn't answer even though the question was easy. PinkRoman didn't answer questions involving parents, when asked where she came from the skeleton pointed up. Something wasn't adding up.

Papyrus and Sans were more than happy to adopt PinkRoman into their family. It was best for her to be with other skeletons.

PinkRoman needed to be taught such simple things like a bath, she also seemed too nervous to eat unless they made it very clear that they wouldn't take it away. Even a bed seemed to be an unknown as when Papyrus went to wake PinkRoman up the next morning he found her not on the bed but under it, huddled up.

It was very obvious to the two that PinkRoman was abused. Not physically as she didn't have a single scratch on her body but certainly abused in the fact that she never got to enjoy the basics. What kind of parents would do this?

Getting clothes for PinkRoman was also tricky, she never asked for anything, so Sans focused on watching her face and looking for signs of her liking specific clothes. They quickly got rid of the grey clothes and replaced with comfortable clothes, stripped shirts as a symbol given she was a kid. Sans and Papyrus then took PinkRoman to Alphys to get a checkup. PinkRoman was very scared around Alphys, she hid behind Papyrus Sans wasn't sure why. It was easy to befriend PinkRoman, offer her some chocolate and she instantly trusts you.

Alphys made sure she told PinkRoman everything she was doing but when they did a soul scan they were shocked by what they saw. PinkRoman had a human soul, not only that but she had EXP and LV.

Sans didn't understand, his Judge senses didn't ring off, but those were high numbers. Also the fact she had a human soul was disturbing. When they asked PinkRoman how she got the soul she replied 'I always had it since I woke up'. Woke up?

Something was certainly NOT RIGHT.

It took many weeks to figure it all out, PinkRoman had been having nightmares. She always looked distressed and calming her down afterwards was always hard. They had to remind her the date, the time, make her focus on the present. Sans had an idea, it was something that was seen as impossible but it made too much sense.

PinkRoman came from another world, another universe. Somehow maybe by fate she had ended up in their world safe and sound from whoever hurt her. PinkShadow was seen as a figment of PinkRoman's imagination, until the day Sans got to speak to the monster.

PinkShadow was controlling PinkRoman's body and he was distraught because his sins were hurting his sister. Sans agreed to help PinkShadow but he knew PinkRoman wouldn't want to lose who she saw as a brother.

And so PinkShadow got his own robotic body and started living with the skeletons and his sister.

PinkRoman attended school, and lived a normal life for a child. She had a family. One day Webdings was able to cross universes to try and get PinkRoman back. Sans was willing to protect his family despite that his attacks wouldn't leave any damage to Webdings.

Webdings gave up but gave him a warning 'you don't know the power you're keeping here, it doesn't belong in this world and it could cause issues for you and anyone you care about.' Sans refused and Webdings was gone, never to return.

Sans was worried about her words, could keeping PinkRoman here ruin this world? She was technically not a part of this world, somewhere out there is another Roman...What happens if they meet?

It was a problem for the future...Not now.

This is where we are currently in the story so we move onto stuff that is semi planned but not concrete and could change.

PinkRoman will grow up and she is no longer a child. One day a message comes from Grassmor. Monsters had come out from the mountain. Sans knew this day would come.

'We look forward to meeting you. Queen Roman'

There was another Roman...And she was coming here. Sans discussed this with PinkShadow, the two were close friends. PinkShadow had an idea, leave PinkTale and live somewhere safe. A place where no Roman and no Shadow existed. A place Webdings can't find them.

PinkShadow was looking into multiverses, there were these things called void pockets. It was an empty place and PinkShadow had been working on this for awhile now incase this happened.

When Sans told PinkRoman she of course was distraught, she argued and yelled. 'Why should I leave? This is my home! Your my family.'

Sans told her that they would always be a family, she can visit. But she wasn't a child any longer. She needed to leave and live in a safe place where anything wrong can't happen. PinkRoman begged and pleaded, what did she do wrong? She'll just hide in her room. She'll never leave it. But that's not the best for PinkRoman and Sans knew this.

It was hard to refuse her and tell her no. PinkShadow basically had to force her. He didn't want to but she can't stay.

Thus PinkRoman would be forced to leave. She was offered visits but sadly she never would. PinkShadow would visit, mainly for food and to talk to old friends. But Sans and Papyrus would never see PinkRoman again, PinkShadow told them that she was still healing, that one day she will and they'll see her.

After almost three years PinkRoman would finally visit. When Sans saw her he swore he still saw that little child. Confused, scared but overall innocent.

PinkRoman took awhile to get back to her normal self and more open, she returned back to the void with no issues. Sadly PinkRoman couldn't attend holidays as Queen Roman would visit Ebbot around those times. PinkShadow would always be there for her and PinkRoman was never alone.

Thus the ending of PinkRoman (granted things could change but this is the idea).

Next up is DeltaRoman.

#Roman #Shadow #Joyce #Sans #Papyrus #Pink #RoMay

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luverofralts · 2 years

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For the OC ask: Give me some about Maura! 1, 2, 7, 8, 13, 14, 15, and 17! Hope that's not too many hehe

Maura likes taking photos as a hobby mainly. Their family cottage is full of family pictures, and she loves seeing her deceased relatives as they really were in the pictures they left behind. She's been taught to do basic drawings, but is terrible compared to Kamalani or even Abe.

2. The whole family would wear floral scents for events, considering that they're known for their impressive gardens. Maura doesn't really make an effort to stand out when she's not forced to be in the spotlight, so at home, she might just skip perfume, or choose a lightly scented one. She's usually near a beach or water anyway, so it probably wouldn't last long.

7. Maura grew up with more inter-generational trauma than even Arkhelios characters and has the fears to prove it. She's deathly afraid of a war breaking out when she is queen and being unable to protect her family and country. She's afraid of having to divorce her wife if they somehow fail to make an heir. She's terrified about the threat Pleasantview has historically been and only comforts herself with the knowledge that as long as her cousin is running it, she'll *probably* be safe. She's terrified of her grandmother, the queen. She knows that her grandmother has had people killed, and probably killed some people herself back in the "old days". She's convinced herself that her father may not have "died of a mysterious illness" and if she doesn't toe the line with the queen, she could be in danger. She is afraid that she will one day have to kill someone to defend her family against usurpers, or against her own beloved cousin. She's afraid to show her real feelings in public, or people won't think she's a good princess. She might be as clingy to her wife as Roman is to Abe because she's afraid something might happen to her, since all she's known for most of her life is her family dying in mysterious or violent ways. She's afraid of her mother being a bad monarch and having to live under her rule without saying anything. She's afraid that her mother loves her children with her new wife more than Maura. She loves Roman, but he makes her nervous with all of the drama that surrounds him, and his closeness with her wife. She's terrified that someone else she loves will get between Roman and Abe and end up hurt like Adrian was. She's afraid of studying demonology or defensive magic and only knows the basics she learned in school. She's not a big fan of vampires, and is horrified by zombies.

8. She collects photos and rare plants for her garden. Now that Ulyssa is officially her wife, a large amount of their money goes towards buying new instruments for her to play.

13. She's not too interested in literature or poetry, but as a royal, she has to listen to a lot of it and fake an interest. She enjoys trashy tv watching or gossip with Ulyssa and Roman.

14. Maura has always been shy and has trouble opening up to people about her real feelings. She's good at presenting a calm and serious facade, but not many people know her true feelings. Part of what she loves about Ulyssa is how frank and direct she is, and how she keeps their lives interesting. Maura opens up to the people Ulyssa brings into their lives, but outside of her cousin Claudia, not many others. She's amused by Roman, but still doesn't know Abe enough to really open up with him. Her and Jorah usually get along well when Ulyssa isn't bothering him.

15. Maura has a more dry and sarcastic humour, from years of muttering under her breath at events. Her first relationship was a nightmare and some people still talk about her behind her back, so she developed a strong sense of sarcasm to cope.

17. She's been sort of preparing to go against her morals her entire life. Growing up in the shadow of wars and war crimes committed against her family, she's heard stories of how other family members have acted and been told that it's necessary to have a flexible moral code if you want to live. She wouldn't resort to murder or anything if there were other options to explore, but deep down, she knows that if she has to make a hard decision, then she will, regardless of how it makes her feel. That being said, she could never bring herself to hurt Ulyssa and wouldn't let anyone convince her to take an action against her. She would put up a fight before she had to take an action against her cousin Claudia, but if it was to protect her family, Maura would do whatever she needed to if it came to it.

#sims 2 #arkhelios #arkhelios university #sim: maura siew #ask game

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just-bible-musings · 1 year

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A word that I really wish Christians would stop using is "deserve." The idea of "deserving" something is such a human construct. Look at this:

What a stupid idea. Like, the first thing Christians are taught to say when they try to witness and tell people about salvation is "you don't deserve to go to heaven." And being a Christian, I get it, I get what they mean, they mean "you can't earn the right to go to heaven." And that's true! You can't! "Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me." (John 14:6) No amount of good deeds gets you into heaven, that's just facts.

But the word "deserve" has garnered such a bad reputation. It conjures up the notion that if anything bad happens to you, you did something to earn it; and likewise, if anything good happens, you did something to earn that, too. Normally, this isn't a terrible idea- but I know I'm not the only one who's had a life that in no way resembled anything "normal." I've been told my whole life that I didn't even deserve to be alive, I didn't deserve to be born.

YES, I DO DESERVE TO BE ALIVE!!!! And you wanna know why? Because God made me! He wanted me to be alive, so I am! And no one has the right to tell me I shouldn't be!

And working from this POV, yes, we all do "deserve" heaven, because God wants us to be with Him in heaven. That's why He sent Jesus to die and rise again for us, God sent His Son to show us the way to heaven because we can't get there on our own.

The KJV (which is the only version I read, and I have my reasons for that) only uses some form of the word "deserve" twice, in Ezra 9:13 and Job 11:6. And in both cases, it says (and I'm paraphrasing here) that God has given us less than our iniquities (our sins, the bad things we do) deserve. The only way that I can accept the word "deserve" is to say that sin deserves death (Romans 6:23). That's why we all die, because we all sin. And that's why we can't get to heaven on our own.

But what's interesting in both of those verses with the word "deserve" is that God doesn't say WE deserve the punishment of death, He says our INIQUITIES deserve it. It's just that because everything we do becomes a part of who we are, that's why we do get punishment for the things we do.

There's a whole chapter of John that deals with this idea, John 9. Jesus healed a man who had been born blind. And His own disciples had this ingrained notion that the man must have sinned, or his parents had sinned, to cause him to be born blind. And Jesus had to tell them flat out that it doesn't work that way. And when the man went to the Temple to worship, the Pharisees turns him out and refused to listen to him because they thought, "you were born blind! You must have sinned in the womb!" What kind of idiotic arrogance thinks that a fetus can sin?!?

And I'm going to stop talking now because there's a whole bunch of theology that can come into play here, and questions that arise that I don't have answers to because I, myself, am still demanding answers from God about why my life was the way it was, why my family members' live were the way they were. But I know we didn't "deserve" the bad things that happened, because we did nothing to earn it. I don't honestly know why God allows all the bad things that happen, and I can give the same pat answer every preacher gives of "oh, it's because there's sin in the world," and yes, that's true, sin corrupted the world and wrecked every human being that ever lived (except Jesus), but that's not the least bit comforting when you're lying on the floor, bleeding and bruised, and your mind is just screaming "WHY???"

But I know that nobody "deserves" the weird, bad things that happen to them, because that's not what God wants for us, that's not what He ever wanted for us.

So my point is: can Christians PLEASE just wipe the word "deserve" out of our vocabularies? It's a horrible word that is almost always used in unbiblical ways, and usually just hurts people (and pushes them away from God) when we do.

#Bible reference #my opinion #salvation

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romanticerawitch4 · 2 years

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I only recently just listened to the HBO podcast with Strong and I don't know why it made me cry cos I knew it already, but oh when he said Kendall associates forms of abuse as forms of love, and can't tell the difference between the two, ;-;

Oh I know that interview got me too, why must Jeremy say these things?? I feel like that’s the guiding idea of the show for all the kids. The show is a bit of a love story but it’s about what happens to children who live in a world in which they’re taught they can only be loved as tools to their father, and that there is no world beyond the one their father has created for them ergo there is no love in the world for them unless they can successfully convince their father they deserve it.

And this presents differently in all the kids. Shiv is absolutely terrible to the people she loves even though logically she knows the outlines of what love and healthy relationships are supposed to look like, in season one she constantly tries to assert that Tom does get a say in their relationship but she can’t hold herself to that. She can only see Tom as a tool to her own ends because that’s the way love has always presented itself to her. Kendall welcomes abuse as it confirms what his father has always told him about himself and what he believes, Naomi telling him he’s nothing, the talk show host ripping into him (“hurt me!”), Shiv and Roman bullying him. He’s internalized all of his father’s abuse and when that hurt flings out towards other people it’s mostly incidental. Roman also feeds off of abuse because it’s the only thing he’s ever known and so it’s become a comfort. He wants to push people to the brink where they want to hit him where they want to degrade him so that he can rewrite his own narrative and tell himself he’s in control, if he’s welcoming it he’s never the victim and therefore his father can never hurt him again. It’s all just pain everywhere from these colossal children who don’t even notice how they affect others because this hurt has been with them their entire lives and hasn’t it been the same for everyone else?

I’m so interested to see where season 4 takes this cause now the golden trio needs to act as a team, they can’t embody their father in their put downs of each other, they need to finally confront themselves. Will they actually do that who knows but I hope we get to see them mildly happy at least once next season

#sorry for the long rant this show makes me feel insane #succession #asks #kendall roy #shiv roy #Roman roy #tw abuse #Jeremy strong

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pynkhues · 2 years

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any time Shiv does comfort Tom (and it's not just trying to offer sex) she always holds his head to her chest like a mother would for her child? as awkward as she still is with them, she comes off more natural with her brothers

Yeah, exactly!

I feel like it's such a testiment to how good Sarah is as Shiv that she showcases Shiv with these different degrees of vulnerability and intimacy and openness depending on the circumstances, the person, the moment. She's never, ever an open door, but sometimes, especially when someone she loves needs it, she lets them have the key for a minute before she changes the locks.

In so many ways she's been trained to divorce herself from her own emotionality and the show never draws a clean line as to the reasons for that, but I've always seen it as a survival mechanism and a form of self-defense, particularly being so frequently made the only woman in a man's world, and having a hypercritical mother who she sees as having abandoned her.

It creates this really interesting parallel, I think, because I tend to view Kendall and Tom as the two most emotional characters on the show. Of course, Tom seems to have a deeper understanding of what those emotions are than Kendall, who's always operating on varying levels of freefall, haha, but I'm fascinated by the show's choice to have Shiv as the one they both seek comfort from the most. I think there's a lot to be said about it being a statement of the emotional labour expected of women, but I also think Kendall and Tom do it for different reasons.

Sure, their relationships to her are different – Tom's married to her, and Kendall's her brother – but I think more than that, Tom, no matter how much he wants to be a part of the family, will always be an outsider.

There's a reason why Kendall could tell Shiv and Roman what he did to the waiter, even when he could tell no one else, and there's a reason they forgave him, a reason it re-forged their bond. Shiv and her brothers have something Tom won't ever have – they have a shared history steeped in trauma – and Shiv can close the door as often as she wants on them and know they'll still be on the other side, kicking at the doorjam or scratching graffiti in the paint.

It means Shiv can publish a letter saying awful things about her brother and he'll still hug her at his birthday party and it means she can crouch beside him in the dirt at their mother's wedding and, intentionally or not, with her other brother, absolve him of the worst thing he's ever done.

I think she really wanted to bring Tom in, in her own way, especially in s1 and s2, but I think she didn't know how then, and after Tom insinuated that he might leave her in the s2 finale, I think she lost the capacity to. He'd broken a fundamental, fragile trust without even realising that's what he'd done. He'd promised to be with her forever, no matter what, on the other side of that door, but then he'd told her maybe he wouldn't be. That, maybe, he'd walk away.

And I think for her, deep down, she knows he can get his comfort elsewhere. Tom has a mother who tried to protect him with the prenup and he has friends outside of the family, and a past like a hearth to return to. Shiv doesn't have that, and she knows Kendall and Roman and Connor don't have that either, and, again, she knows he could leave. She's seen women leave her father, seen Rava leave Kendall, seen love and then the absence of it, and I think she resents Tom for putting her in the position where she still wants his love.

She still feels vulnerable with Tom, even when he doesn't see her vulnerability, and she tries to give him what he wants – gets him more power, gets him closer to her father – because she's been taught love is transactional, love is a hungry mouth and an outstretched hand – and I don't think she understands that Tom wants more. That Tom maybe doesn't even really want her at all, he wants her name, her title, and a woman she isn't, someone who'll be at home when he gets home, someone who'll stand beside him (behind him, really) but never in front of him, someone warm, someone who needs him, and he can't cope with the fact that she's none of those things at all.

#i'm so obsessed at the moment with this idea that love is transactional in the family #because it still sort of was between the golden trio in the car #they were divvying up the company then #but it IS different between the siblings #love is #actually #genuinely #in the act of loving #which is only more apparent when they are absolutely awful to each other #i don't think love is in the act of loving for any other set of characters on this show #shiv roy #shiv x tom #tom wambsgans #kendall roy #kendall + shiv #hbo succession #succession meta #back in all these feelings apparently haha #welcome to my ama

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checked-windows · 3 years

Text

Stupid Smug Prefect Face

Also cross posted on ao3.

Spencer Reid x trans male reader

We see dad!hotch cause man is total dad material.

Warnings : swearing, suggestive themes, tw for depressive thoughts and I think that's everything!

Strauss was introducing a new agent today and emotions varied, they knew very little about them only that they were fresh out of the academy with one of the highest scores that they had seen. Rossi was almost vibrating with excitement when Strauss had accidentally let your name slip to him but had sworn him to secrecy.

They had gathered in the round table room in order to wait for her to bring you and she did. You walked next to her with your head held high, not a hair out of place, not a wrinkle on your dark grey suit. They started profiling you immediately. You were uncomfortable in the suit, it wasn't your usual atire and you were just wearing it to make a good impression. Age range was 20 to 35 roughly. You held yourself to high standards and would not allow for any sloppy work. As much as you stood tall you also had a slight hunch in your spine from what looked like years of slouching over.

"Stop profiling me" your voice snapped them out of their heads "Seriously, I'm an open book just ask me what you want to know."

"Tig" Rossi greeted taking your face in his hands kissing both of your cheeks before pulling you into a hug. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and squeezed.

"It's good to see you Dave" you said into his shoulder. Dave was only just taller than you but enough that he could see over your head.

"Sorry I'm late, budget meetings" a very familiar voice came from behind you. Your released Dave and spun around grinning.

"Suprise!" you exclaimed jumping at him. Aaron caught you easily smiling, wrapping you up in a hug, out of both men he had always given the best hugs.

"(y/n)!" he said laughing. Smiles on Hotch's face had come few and far between after Haley's death but he happily smiled at you "You never said anything"

"I wanted it to be able to surprise you for once" you answered shrugging finally letting him go. Aaron's hand stayed on your shoulder as Strauss introduced you to the rest of the team with a faint smile on her own face.

"This is Agent (y/n) (l/n), they'll be here for a while" she said and you snorted.

"Oh no you're stuck with me now. Please just call me Tig. These two do" you said pointing between Aaron and Dave or Hotch and Rossi while you were in the office. You had been there a few days before your first case, you had been at home with Aaron and Jack and hadn't quite managed to change out of the pants and shirt you had worn into work, due to the excitement that Jack brought with him, so that's what you wore back in, just with the top button undone and your hair pointing in everywhich angle from Jack playing with it while watching whatever movie it had been. Staying the night at Aaron's had started as a weekly occurance a year or so after you had met him, and you had moved in permanently after you had graduated from college and joined the academy.

"Ooh walk of shame, tiggy" Morgan called. You weren't entirely sure when he had changed your nickname but you rolled your eyes and smirked while Penelope went about flattening your hair back down in order to look more presentable.

"Aaron you should have said we were doing that I would have turned off the cartoons you said and got an eye roll from said man. The teams eyes widened comically." I'm kidding, it was movie night with Jack and I hadn't got changed yet"

"Was it the one with dragons again?" Dave asked.

"Yes" Aaron answered as you shrugged, he looked at you with a raised eyebrow.

"Your child had his hands in my hair I wasn't paying attention" you said with a lopsided smile which got you a shake of his head. Penelope gave everyone a run down but you felt your eyelids getting heavy about half way through. You weren't entirely sure how you got on the jet but there your were curled up on a chair next to Aaron, your face pressed against his arm, falling asleep to the voices around you. Completely missing the glare a certain doctor was sending you. The case went almost without a hitch. Almost. The unsub wasn't going down easily, you had profiled him as unorganised (the team had agreed) but he wasn't. He had led you all into a trap and when you had figured it out chose suicide by cop. Everyone else was getting ready to leave, which had left you and Reid to clear up the teams borrowed space.

"Well that could've gone better" you said trying to initiate conversation as well as lighten the mood.

"No thanks to you" Reid snapped and your eyes widened "I didn't realise you were that bad I don't know what Hotch was thinking getting you in here"

"I don't understand" you said meekly wringing your fingers.

"Everyone knows you're sleeping with Hotch to get here" Reid spat and left the room with an armful of boxes. You stared behind him tears pricking your eyes. You angry wiped at your eyes with your shirt sleeve and grabbed the other box. You sat shotgun next to Aaron on the way back to the jet only to seclude yourself as far away as possible when you got there. You should have known better than to get on a plane full of profilers upset but it was too late by this point. Aaron moved to sit opposite you laying a hand on your knee. You snatched your leg away from him.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

"Nothing. It's fine" you almost snapped at him, he raised an eyebrow but you shut down refusing to hold eye contact.

"(y/n) what's going on?" he asked again. You shook your head, hiding things from Aaron had never been easy, but he knew not to push too much. "We'll talk about this at home"

There was really no choice in the matter and you caught Reid's scowl this time. The conversation at home was just as bad as you imagined it would be. Aaron was furious at the accusation, he was shouting. Not at you just about the subject, demanding to know who had told you that. You never told him. You just said that it had been brought to your attention. You tried to keep it together but tears were streaming down your face. Out of both sadness and humiliation.

"Oh honey. Come here" Aaron stuck out his arms and you slid into them. Physical contact was your love language and hugs were like air for you, as well as being comforting for the situation. You slept in Aaron's bed that night but changed up your entire routine, arriving after him in the morning after making a flimsy excuse, not visiting his office randomly during the day when it was quiet, not joining him for lunch no matter how many times he asked. Aaron noticed immediately but didn't say anything instead he went to Rossi who gave him the obvious answer but that would open up a whole new can of worms. So he allowed you to distance yourself for a couple days. You just hoped he didn't notice the glares you and Reid shot at each other or the hurtful snarls of insults in passing or currently you unscrewing his chair as payback for him putting the sugar on the top shelf where he knew you couldn't reach it. Was it petty? Yes. Did you care? No.

You successfully got two screws out before Morgan knocked the desk in warning. Bouncing up from the floor you dropped the screw driver in your bag and the screws in your pocket. Reid sat at his chair and it creaked but did not give way, you frowned and put the two screws on his desk watching in almost delight as his face fell and horror replaced the relaxed features.

"(l/n), where are these from?" he asked sitting impossibly still.

"You figure it out genius" you said smirking, after a particularly hurtful comment about your intelligence you used the term genius more and more.

"Tig, please stop tormenting Reid" Aaron's voice sighed from your left but you just beamed at him. Not spending time with him was hard and seeing him with the same exasperated look he gave you when you had taught Jack the macerana was enough to make your day. Especially when you had worn a short sleeve shirt to work forgetting that your tattoo was now visible to everyone, Morgan and Penelope had persistently asked what the Roman numerals signified you had answered with 'one of the best days of my life' and left it at that. Aaron put a coffee cup and a small gift bag in front of you before kissing the side of your head gently.

"Happy anniversary" he said quietly and went back to his office. Leaving you beaming like an idiot at your desk. You took a sip of the coffee and opened the bag, you raised an eyebrow at the manilla envelope but opened it slowly. You scanned the pages, mouth dropping open and happy tears forming. You jumped up from your chair taking two stairs at a time to Aaron's office barging in ignoring the looks behind you.

"Are you being serious?" you almost shout and he just grins at you. Then nods.

"You just need to sign the forms and pick a date" he said and your behind his desk in seconds wrapped around him like a koala.

"Thank you" you whisper followed by another several thank yous and a declaration of love which he returns stroking the back of your head gently. The door opens and Dave pokes steps in quickly.

"Meltdown?" he asks quietly. You sniffle and laugh.

"No but I do think I've just won person of the year award" Aaron laughs and you are just happy to press your face against his shoulder. Dave must have known Aaron's plan because you could hear the smile in his voice.

"And here I was thinking (y/n) would throw a fit for you spending this much money" Dave pointed out because he had offered to pay and you had lectured him about being self sufficient for 25 minutes while Aaron had cackled in the corner.

"No more boob" you murmered into Aaron's jacket which earned you two lots of laughter "No more sore ribs" Aaron's hand was rubbing your back at this point over the material of the binder hidden beneath clothing. A kiss was pressed to the side of your head again.

"Just so you're aware. The blinds are open" Dave supplied.

"It's OK they all think I fucked my way here anyways" you mumble but haul yourself off Aaron's lap, even as he sighed at your comment "Thank you again. I'm surprised you remembered the date"

"As if I could forget it's one of the days of your life" he responded and you went back to your desk after kissing both of them on the cheek, Dave only got one cause he was blocking the only exit and refused to move until you gave him one.

Aaron decided that hosting a party at the house was a great way to integrate you into the team more, both of you had spent hours the night before prepping dishes while fending off Jack trying to eat them. Then you were fending off Aaron's attempt at eating parts of them and swore down that they were the reason you had grey hairs so young and promptly kicked both of them out of the kitchen. Aaron let you sleep in even while the team were arriving, as far as he was concerned you needed it.

Dave had been last to arrive with the excuse that cool people were never on time.

"Where's tigs?" he asked Aaron who was pouring coffees.

"Still asleep, actually Jack do you think you could wake (y/n) up?" Aaron asked and the boy nodded.

"Is he in your bed?" he asked and it was Aaron's turn to nod. The boy darted upstairs to wake the beast.

"Long night?" Dave asked and Morgan wiggled his eyebrows. Aaron sighed.

"Same nightmare again, he woke up screaming twice" he answered and Morgan's face fell.

"Pretty boy why don't you give him some sleeping tips, surely that big brain of yours knows something to help" he suggested and Spencer scowled at him but before he could answer you shuffled into the room wearing a pair of Aaron's shorts and an oversized hoodie. Spencer glanced at you before looking away completely, he hated that his brain supplied that you looked adorable or that you should be wearing his clothes instead.

"Good afternoon" JJ said with a grin and you looked at the clock on the fridge.

"It's 11:58 so still morning, you psychopaths are here early" you said and Aaron passed you a cup of coffee "Oh I love you and you love me"

"Yeah I do" Aaron said as you sat next to Emily at the table.

"I was talking to the coffee" you said smiling into the mug which earned you a gentle slap upside the head.

Aaron and Dave were taking things outside when your phone started buzzing on the table. You picked it up mentally preparing to answer it.

"Aaron! It's shot day" you called, shutting off the alarm "I'm gonna do it myself, I'll shout if I need you" you heard a shout of agreement back and downed the rest of your coffee in order to hunt for the box on the cupboard. At some point during cleaning Aaron had put it on the top shelf which meant to you to climb to reach it, cursing him the entire time. Morgan had stood behind you ready to catch you if you fell.

"Just being safe Tiggy" he had said and you bounced off the work top.

"Oh I've fallen off way worse" you responded "Walls, trees and a person that one time"

You smiled at the looks they gave you and finished out one of the needles and the vial of testosterone. A shout from the back yard drew your attention away.

"Screw you! I'm more than capable of stabbing myself with a needle" you shouted back only to hear Aaron and Dave laughing.

"Yeah dad!" Jack called and you ruffled his hair on the way past, Jack was happy enough to wander around and talk to everyone. You were glad he was becoming the social butterfly that you and Aaron were not.

You on the other hand had been sitting on the edge of the tub for 15 minutes trying to work out how to put the needle in your leg without looking at it.

"(y/n), everything OK? Hotch sent me up to check on you" Spencer's voice called through the wooden door.

"Yeah. Yeah I'm fine" you says before shaking your head "Actually could you get Aaron?"

You heard a faint grumble but couldn't make it out and Aaron was in the bathroom moments later helping you with your shot. Not long later you found yourself sitting between his legs on the concrete patio. Refusing a chair no matter how many times he offered.

"So how long have you been on hormones?" Penelope asked, you touched your tattoo gently.

"Four years" you answered and they realised what one of the best days of your life had been. The conversation flowed from there and Aaron seemed happy you were opening up to them, occasionally he would card his fingers through your hair or try and plat the short strands. You had rested your head against the inside of his thigh as Dave recalled your first meeting and all the meetings afterwards.

"If we had found you when you were 6 Aaron would have a criminal record for aggravated assault and I'd have a child to babysit" Dave pointed out after you and Reid had partially compared childhoods, his parents were neglectful out of illness yours were out of malice.

"We were 13 years late to the party, but I think it was worth it when we finally did arrive" Dave finished. Then the team realised that you had been 19 when your had met Aaron and Spencer looked disgusted but you ignored him.

"Of course I didn't start coming over until I was 20, I moved in after I graduated UVA " you said thinking back on it being 25 and knowing the men for this long was mildly amusing. Even Haley had welcomed you in with open arms after a while. The rest of the day went without a hitch until Jack had thrown a water balloon at you and you had tried to smother him with your now wet shirt. In taking it off you had revieled the rest of your tattoos to the team. Haleys birthstone under your collarbone, Jack's name in cursive on your upper arm, a fish on the opposite shoulder and another date across your heart. You didn't mind, they were a big part of you.

If anyone had asked you that morning your day had been going great, that was until Spencer Reid swooped in with all his stupidness. Hell broke lose when you went to get a coffee and Anderson bumped into you which caused you to bump into Reid.

"Sorry!" Anderson called as he escaped the room.

"Sorry Reid, domino effect" you tried to apologise but he spun on you.

"Watch where your going" he growled and you rolled your eyes at him. Everyone in the team bar Aaron and Dave had witnessed you both butting heads at least once and each of them had assured you that Reid would chill out eventually and that he just didn't like change very much and of course a new member of the team was a big change.

"Get a grip" you snarled at him "Anderson bumped me into you and we've both apologised, genius"

"Don't call me that" he snapped and went to walk away but stopped "Sex in the office is a new low even for you"

He was clearly referring to the two hours you had spent in Aaron's office that morning trying to work out the logistics of time off for your surgery.

"Excuse me?" you snarled.

"Also studies show that you should never tattoo an anniversary on yourself due to pressure it desolves the relationship faster"

Reid walked away after poking you in the chest over the tattood date and you watched him with wide eyes before growling and stalking after him.

"We've got a bad one" JJ's voice broke through your need to punch the doctor in his stupidly perfect face. You froze briefly, perfect?

You shook your head slightly and moved to the round table room making sure to slam your shoulder into Reid's for good measure. He scowled behind you but you sat between Dave and Morgan in order to be as far away from him as possible.

The case was not going well in the slightest, the local police were unhelpful and there were 5 teenagers missing with no leads. This is where you had the advantage, you looked younger than you were and the right outfit would take a good couple years off. Aaron had been very against the idea from the start and had sat on the bed of your hotel room grumbling as you got ready.

"This is a terrible idea" he said as you pulled on one of his spare tshirts which always made you look younger. Making sure it was sitting right in the mirror.

"Aaron, you are being a mother hen. If this was anyone else it would be fine" you said before spiking up your hair.

"That's not true" Aaron said crossing his arms over his chest, you raised an eyebrow at him and he glanced down at himself. Unfurling his arms only to recross them "I worry about you, the others have more field experience, and you're still my baby"

"Jack is your baby. I'm the one you picked out of a line up" you laughed and felt his hands on your shoulders.

"You are both my babies. Also I think we should talk about Reid" he said and your eyes widened "Later, when we are home but I know you don't think I've noticed, the way you look at him and the constant tormenting. You know what they say about little boys pulling pig tails in the playground"

"I have no clue what your talking about" now it was you crossing your arms "I want to punch Reid in his stupid arrogant smug pretty face"

Aaron was grinning at you, the one that rose his eyebrows and showed his teeth.

"Yes" he said as your eyes widened.

"No. NO no no no" you said, half an hour later you refused to make eye contact with anyone while your were dropped off at the park with the instructions to look like a kid walking around. After the slight argument with Aaron about your own emotions you had the sulky teenager look down to a fine art. You had told him it was possibly a silly crush at most and that it would go away in time. Then everything went pear shaped quickly, there was a cloth covering your mouth and nose and a hand around your throat. You passed out with the faint noise of Aaron calling your name through the comm. The next few hours passed in a blur, the unsub, Dean Wertim, had originally started out as almost kind then he had snapped when you couldn't answer his questions. Your head was still spinning from the force of his punches. You weren't sure when you had passed out again but gentle hands on your face and someone calling your name brought you back around.

"Drk" you slurred when Morgan's face filled you vision, someone was behind you untying the ropes from your wrists "Wrs arn?"

"Hotch went into a different room he's on his way here. I promise" Morgan spoke softly, two sets of hands were helping you to stand and stay balanced. You knew Morgan was one of them so you swivelled your head to look. Reid was looking back at you and he didn't look happy, in the slightest. Part of you wanted to request a new rescuer. Light reflected off of something to your left and it took a few seconds to realise that it was a gun pointed at you. You kicked the back of Morgan's knee sending his sprawling and tackled Reid to the ground as three shots filled the air. People were shouting but all you could concentrate on was the pain in your side and the almost soothing voice coming from under you.

"(y/n), come on listen to me. You need to breath" the voice said you tried to nod and were rolled off of the boney figure under you. Hands were pressed roughly to your side "(y/n). Come on don't you dare close your eyes"

"Spencer?" you asked his face finally coming into view, he looked grim, his lips forced into a straight line.

"(y/n)!" Aaron's face was also above you now but all your could do was blink at him and hiss in pain with Reid pressed harder. You tried for a smile but the two men didn't return it even as your eyes slid shut.

Aaron's heart had been thundering in his chest since he saw you dropping to the ground, Reid had broken your fall but the whole team could see the panic spread on his face after the gunshots. Dave had threatened the medics with bodily harm if they didn't hurry up and they had all felt useless waiting in the hospital waiting room. Spencer had wiped his hands clean of blood while the man had just stared at them and they had all huddled close. Dave was trying to comfort Aaron who was slowly working himself into a panic seeing Haley all over again.

"Agent Hotchner?" a nurse asked, he was on his feet in seconds moving towards her "Mr (l/n) suffered from minor internal bleeding after we got the bullet of out his side. It was a fight for a while to get him stable but he is now." she said and Aaron was nodding alone.

"Can we go see him?" he asked and the nurse shook her head.

"Immediate family only" she said looking between them. Aaron frowned.

"We are his family" he said slowly then nurse opened her mouth to argue but Aaron's wasn't having any of it "Let me see my son, or so help me I will be on the phone faster than you can say 'wait'"

The teams eyes widened but Aaron was too panicked and frustrated to care. They eventually let him through to see you once they had hunted through your file for the copy of the adoption certificate. By the time you had woken up the whole team had managed to get into your room.

"Dad?" you mumbled when you finally focused enough to see his face. His fingers tightened around your hand.

"I'm here. You can go back to sleep" he whispered and you did.

Getting out the hospital was a small affair, Dave and Aaron had taken you home and you had spent the rest of the day curled up on the sofa with them and Jack refusing to release your grip on any of them. Aaron became even more protective of you but you had assured him as much as you loved him that the BAU was just as much your dream as it was his and you weren't leaving no matter what. It took a month of constant puppy eyes before you managed to even set foot back in the office. Spencer avoided you like the plague and your couldn't get the rest of them to leave you alone. The doctor had successfully avoided you for 5 hours before you finally managed to corner him in the men's restroom.

"OK spill, what is wrong with you?" you snapped at him, there had been no jibes or pranks. Nothing.

"I'm sorry" he answered and you stopped to look at him.

"For the past three months I've been insinuating that you were sleeping with Hotch, I didn't know he was your dad"

"Aaron adopted me years ago" you said shurgging "Not long after I met him when he was doing a presentation for the criminal psychology class I was trying to sneak into, I owe a lot to that man. But I let you think what you wanted and so did he because correcting you would bring up the 'oh your only here cause your dad's the unit chief' and honestly Spencer that sucks"

"I shouldn't have been such an ass about it" he said.

You blinked at him before a smile crawled onto your face. The hallmarks were on there and you were sure how you hadn't put it together quicker.

"Spencer were you jealous?" you asked and he tried to barge past you but you stopped him with a "Spencer" and a hand on his chest. His eyes avoided yours but you gripped his chin and grinned, his eyes dropped to your lips before going back to your eyes.

"Hotch is too old for you" he mumbled and the grin never left your face.

"He's my dad" you respond "And you were jealous!"

You weren't entirely sure what happened but Spencer's lips were pressing against yours, you gripped the front of his vest and pulled him in closer. He pushed you against the sink, his lips never leaving yours. You pulled away to breath.

"Me. You. Date?" you breathed. Spencer laughed and nodded ducking his head once more to kiss you.

The date had gone well, you had picked Spencer up and taken him to a restaurant that Dave had helped you get a reservation for as much as you refused to tell him who the date was with.

"Does Hotch know we are on a date?" he asked when you were driving him home.

"Nope" you said popping the p "You've been in an interagration with Aaron. Do you want to be on the receiving end?"

"Good point" Spencer responded after a second. You pulled up outside his apartment complex. "Do you want to come up?"

"Spencer Reid, on the first date" you said with mock scandal, his face flushed red and he started stuttering "I'm kidding. Let me park then I'll come up"

That's exactly what you did before following Spencer up the stairs with his hand in yours.

"We could totally just make out on the sofa like teenagers?" you suggested only to be pulled forward by your shirt. Well Dave's shirt that you had stolen. Somehow Spencer had ended up in your lap, your arms wrapped around his waist his fingers clinging to your neck and jaw as your mouths moved together. His tongue chased yours between your mouths, your own fingers dug into his hip bones. He whispered your name into your mouth and your flipped him over so you were pressing him against the cushions and hovering over him with one knee between his thighs.

"Hi" you breathed looking down at him. His hair splayed like a halo around his head, your hands pressed into the plush material, his on your shoulders.

"Hello" he whispered back, and that tongue that drove you crazy when you had first met him peaked out to wet his lips. You bowed your head pressed a chaste kiss to him lips, he chased you as your tried to pull back his hands on your face again holding you still.

"I should go" you murmered against him, he tried to hold you where you were "Seriously Spencer. If I don't go now we are going to do something neither of us are ready for"

That seemed to resonate with him cause his grip on you loosened.

"One more for the road?" he suggested and tugged you back down to meet him. One for the road turned into your shirt on the floor and his hanging loosely off his frame, Spencer had a necklace of bruises across his chest and one that would just be covered by his shirt collar. Yours were less contained sporadically across your chest, even under the straps of your binder and one on your ribs. You finally left almost an hour later after hunting down your shirt and leaving a last lingering kiss on his lips. You were pleased to see the lights off in Aaron's House when you arrived and tip toed through the house to get a drink from the kitchen, you were moving back to the stairs when a light caught your eye and you froze glass half way to your lips.

"And what time do you call this?" Aaron asked marking his page and closing the book on his lap. You felt like a teenager being caught sneaking out after curfew. Then remembered that you were an adult and you could return at anytime.

"I" you started then froze again because Aaron was smirking at you.

"How was your date?" he asked when you dropped down on the sofa next to him, curling up against his side.

"It was good. Really good" you murmur against his arm before it was moved and wrapped around you to pull you closer. You heard him sniff and realised you definitely smelt like Spencer. "Don't start"

"I'm just working out who he is" Aaron said with a laugh "Maybe if you told me his name"

"So you can have Pen do a background search?" you asked looking up at him.

"No" he answered "yes"

You sighed opening your mouth to bite the bullet but his phone was ringing. You briefly heard the conversation but the gist of it was a case. You called Jess while Aaron got ready and he drove you both to the office. The conversation was briefly forgotten until you reached the elevator and were heading up.

"We'll continue this conversation later? If you want" he suggested and you smiled at him your agreement.

Clearly Spencer had time to change because he wasn't wearing what he had been only an hour ago. You on the other hand were still wearing the same outfit that wasn't quite work appropriate, the shirt itself was thin and ridiculously expensive.

"Oh tiggy, did we interrupt a date?" Morgan asked leaning forward with a grin on his face.

"Nope" you answered and took the t-shirt the Aaron offered, Spencer shifted in his seat to rest his chin in his hand accidentally showing the hickey you had left on the side of his neck.

"Oh pretty boy got some lovin'. What's her name?" Morgan asked and Penelope squeeked from next to him. You went to move away to change your shirt but JJ stopped you.

"Get changed here. We need to go through this case" JJ said handing out folders. Your eyes widened but you couldn't think of an excuse without it looking suspicious. You unbuttoned the shirt as she started talking aiming to get it off and replaced as fast as humanly possible, you thought you had succeeded but you managed to get stuck in the t-shirt in your haste. The briefing stopped and you managed to pop your head through the hole. Everyone was looking at you then to Spencer who was flushed red and you decided to just take in his features before Aaron murdered him.

The case was a quick one however, Aaron wouldn't leave you and Spencer unattended for any period of time. It was on the jet back when Spencer finally broke.

"Don't mind him, he's being a helicopter parent" you responded throwing your legs over Spencer's thighs, he wrapped a hand around your ankles to keep you steady.

"Don't anger him, please" Spencer almost begged and you folded an arm behind your head with a grin blowing him a kiss.

"No PDA one the plane" Aaron snapped and your grinned more swinging your legs off Spencer's lap to stand up, you leaned down an pressed a quick kiss to Spencer's lips before dropping down next to Aaron.

"Do you want to talk about it?" you asked leaning against him, Aaron glanced down briefly before going back to his file "Dad."

"Why Reid?" he said then looked at the doctor "No offence"

Spencer waved a hand to show that it wasn't taken to heart.

"Why not Reid?" you retorted "Would you be like this if it was Morgan and Pen? Or Emily and JJ? No. You would not"

"They are not my kids" Aaron spoke slowly and you shook your head, he sighed "Maybe I'm being a little over protective"

"A little?" you scoff "Dad I promise I'll keep you up to date on everything"

Which got you a resigned nod.

"So we went on a date, I was very gentlemanly. Pick him up, pulled out his chair for him. Had a lovely meal" you said then smiled widly "Then the lovely doctor invited me up to his apartment"

Aaron's eyes widened briefly and his head snapped around to you and his mouth opened.

"Nothing happened, I promise" you patted his arm before moving to sit next to Spencer once more.

"That's not what those bruises say" Emily pointed out, you winked at her as you sat down. Aaron was watching you with narrowed eyes, you gave him your best smile and pulled out your phone to play online scrabble.

"We'll put a tie around the door knob" you said typing and Aaron nodded before it finally caught up in his brain.

"No. There will be no such activities" he said pointing at Spencer, you wiggled your eyebrows. Spencer nodded like he was wholeheartedly agreeing with him and you cackled.

Life continued as normal, cases, killers. Your relationship with Spencer flourished even with the tight leash Aaron was keeping you on. On the fourth month mark your were getting ready for another date while Aaron followed you around your room giving you the safety lecture. You stopped and whirled on him taking his face in both hands.

"It's just Spencer. I'll be fine, you're helicopter-ing again" you said pressing a kiss to his forehead, he sighed and nodded.

"Do you need anything?" he asked and you cut him off.

"Don't finish that sentence" you warned earning a smile "Seriously, OK stop worrying. Spencer's a gentleman if anything you should be more worried about him than me"

He finally released you into Spencer's car.

"You look lovely" Spencer greeted with a kiss.

"Not so bad yourself" you responded. The movie was great from what you actually saw between Spencer kissing you. That's pretty sure how you both ended up sprawled on his bed covered in sweat and panting heavily. You reached out to tangle your fingers together, then both your phones started ringing.

"We have a case" JJ's voice flowed through the speaker.

"We'll be there in 30" you said stroking Spencer's knuckles.

"You sound out of breath" she pointed out with glee in her voice.

"He sounds what!" you heard Aaron shout and you hung up the phone quickly.

"How attached are you to your balls?" you asked Spencer and he paled. Aaron was trying not to show his emotions but when you both had shown up with post-sex hair, he had almost exploded and you had just laughed. Then 3 weeks later everything went to hell, you and Spencer had a massive fight and you had went back to Aaron with your tail between your legs and tears streaming down your face. Who had just held onto you while you cried out your feelings. Then the case went wrong and you had gone in without a vest or backup. Not on purpose, you had been in the area as the unsub had started brandishing a gun. Aaron was yelling at you, well more like screaming and you were taking it like a champ. Standing still, hardly breathing probably looking like a scared child. Yeah like a champ.

"If you die how does that look on me. You are my responsibility (y/n)! Just because your my kid doesn't mean that you can just ignore my orders" he shouted. Your heart thumped in your chest when he stepped forward and you were no longer seeing Aaron, you were seeing your biological father. "You don't listen! Why do you have to be so reckless?"

Your brain didn't quite pick up the rest of the lecture, every word felt like a slap to the face. Actually you would have rather the slaps. Then you heard the words "worthless" and "waste of my time" and your heart shattered in your chest.

"Aaron" Dave said from behind you but you were too busy trying to push your way out of the office.

"I'm going home" you stammered, struggling to see through tears and the pain in your chest. Dave made an effort to stop toy but you were already out the door.

"(y/n) wait" Aaron called from behind your as you continued your path towards the exit. Then Spencer tried to stop you after seeing the worry of Aaron's face as he tried to chase you.

"Fuck off Reid" you snarled shoving him away. You keep walking, stabbing the down button in the elevator which shut just before Aaron got there. You left everything at the BAU, car, phone, bag. You cried as you walked hugging yourself around your stomach. It really was only a matter of time before they got fed up with you, Spencer had been right all along you weren't cut out for the job and Aaron, the man had adopted you at almost 20 so that you had some resemblance of a family after your own had thrown you to the curb after you had come out. If you had been home, where you were supposed to be, Haley would have still been here, but no you had been at extra tutoring for your masters. Then you realised you didn't know where you were, so you kept walking until you saw something familiar. The park was empty bar a few dog walkers. When the libraries opened tomorrow you would email your resignation letter, parks were probably going to become your new norm. You were too busy trying to plan anything and everything that you missed the stranger sitting next to you.

"Thought you'd be here" Dave spoke softly snapping you back to reality. You didn't even look at him.

"Go away Dave" you sighed. There was no fight in it. Not really.

"Sorry Tigger. No can do" he replied, you wanted him to leave. Your life was over, there was a bridge not far away. It was high enough to take care of all your problems. "Come on, let's get you home" he tried to coax you to your feet.

"I don't have a home" you whispered "Just go Dave, Aaron probably needs you for something. A lawyer maybe to reverse the adoption, I'm sure you know someone to help him"

Dave must've realised your plan because he moved closer to you and wrapped you in his arms. Tightly.

"No. Kid I know what's going on in your head and that's not the answer. We've hit a snag that's all. It can be fixed" he said his grip tightening.

"Doesn't matter. He's got you and the team and his son he doesn't need me. I wasn't there when he needed me" you whispered "I could have saved her for him"

"(y/n), listen to me you are as much of his son as Jack is. He loves you just as much as he does Jack. And you're Jack's big brother, don't let that boy lose another family member" he whispered and the tears were flowing again "Haley loved you too, she didn't show it very well but she did. If you had been there Foyet would have killed you both"

You turned your head into his jacket and he stroked your hair.

"Spencer loves you too. You know that? The past few months he's been walking around with a boyish glee written all over his face. Relationships are hard you just have to put the work in. I love you, you're my nephew. The team loves you, especially Aaron. Aaron's who's sent everyone in opposite directions to find you when he realised that you weren't at home. Aaron who is probably pacing a hole in the floor worrying because he knows that he was in the wrong, he knew he should have stopped when he noticed that you weren't with him any more, when you where in your head nad only hearing part of what he was saying. Aaron that refused to leave his house incase you went home and there was no one there. Who sent Spencer to his apartment incase you went there. Who has Garcea constantly watching for any of your cards or movements to ping her systems. Who has Morgan, Prentiss and JJ patrolling the streets looking for any sign of you. Who sent me here hoping that maybe you'd come to this bench" Dave was panicking, you could hear it in his own voice, trying to get everything through your skull. You nodded slowly, Dave was picking up your broken pieces and showing you that they weren't broken at all, they had just come lose for a second. Then the shame flooded you. Shame of what you had been thinking about. It just made you cry harder, Dave basically carried you to his car tucking his jacket around your shoulders carefully when you had cried yourself to sleep. He sent out a mass text to the team informing them that he had you and that you were being taken to Aaron's for a long chat about your headspace, which sent cold shivers down both Aaron and Spencer's spines.

You woke up in your own bed with the headache from hell, you didn't want to go downstairs. Downstairs meant facing Aaron.

"Bite the bullet" you whispered to yourself and pulled on one of the sweaters you had stolen over the years ignoring the pain that shot through your ribs from sleeping in your binder. You snuck down the stairs, Jack was in the living room watching cartoons so you assumed Aaron was in the kitchen by the slightly clanking sounds floating through. He was cleaning up the worktops but stopped when he heard you pad into the room.

"I'm sorry" you whispered barely loud enough for him to hear. He was moving towards you and you briefly expected a slap but instead you were wrapped up in his arms and held onto like you would disappear if he let go.

"I was so worried" he whispered in your ear "And I'm so sorry I should have been paying attention to you instead of yelling. I'm so sorry (y/n)"

You clung to him as sobs tore through you, your fingers digging into his back as your knees buckled sending you both to the floor. Aaron was leaning against the island in the middle of the kitchen with you wrapped around him. He didn't press he just let you cry into his chest. Jack must've poked his head in to see what the commotion was because Aaron's voice rumbled in his chest under your ear. You tried to apologise again but he was shushing you gently.

"I want you to talk to someone, it can be me or Reid or Dave or someone outside completely. Just someone that can help you, you're not OK and I should have seen it sooner." he said and you agreed. You spoke to him eventually but you ended up going to the beauros own psychiatrist to talk. Maybe it was time. Time to put ghosts to rest.

Aaron had arranged it for you and you had gone willingly then next day still having not spoken to Spencer. Until you bumped into him walking through the corridors after your appointment, his hand wrapped around your arm to steady you.

"Hi" he whispered.

"Hi" you whispered back reminiscent of your first date with him "Spencer, I'm sorry"

"No. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have pushed, if you want to keep living with Hotch that's ok" he said resting his hand on your jaw. You leaned into the touch.

"I'm done hiding" you said turning to kiss his palm. He smiled softly "I'll tell you everything over coffee?"

He took your hand in his own and lead you back down the corridor, prattling about a coffee shop that you would love. You let him.

Aaron and Dave were looking at the file the psychiatrist had dropped on Aaron's desk.

"This feels like the biggest invasion of privacy ever" Aaron grumbled with his arms crossed and Dave agreed.

"We can't help if we don't know what's going on" Dave pointed out and got a resigned look in return. "I'll read it therfore you don't have a guilty conscious"

"Still feels wrong" Aaron pointed out but allowed Dave to read it anyways.

"We know his name, age blah blah blah" Dave started flipping through the pages "Agent (l/n) has taken on the personal blame of the murder of Agent Hotchner ex wife Haley Brooks. (l/n) stated that he should have been home at the time and that Agent Hotchner also thought he was there at the time but in fact had been 45 minutes away on campus getting extra help on a thesis paper. He was aware of the dangers posed by George Foyet however insisted on not changing anything about his life. (l/n) clearly stated that he feels as though he could have saved her had he been home, where he was supposed to be and that it is his fault 'The love of Aaron's life is gone and that Jack doesn't have a mom'. He also informed us that he had also been on the phone when Haley Hotchner was murdered however the call was not terminated at the same time as Agent Hotchner and had let it be known that he did indeed hear her take her last breathes and still does to this day. Agent (l/n) also let himself into the property afterwards to hunt for a stuffed toy for Jack Hotchner but admitted that he went to the room were Haley Hotchner was murdered"

"He told us the toy had been in his car. He didn't say he went back to the house" Aaron breathed, he didn't know whether or not to bring it up to you. You had planned to go see Haley with Jack that evening and Aaron wondered if he should go too.

And life continued again, you saw a shrink every few weeks, cases allowing. Aaron had started dating which allowed you a Spencer more time alone at your place instead of his. Which is how you ended up watching Jack while Aaron went out with Beth, not that you minded. Jack was asleep leaving you and Spencer on the sofa with a movie playing lowly in the background. Spencer's hips bucking into yours when your fingers dipped under his shirt while your tongues tangled. You were working his shirt over his head while trailing kisses down the column of his throat coaxing whines out of him as you did so. In doing so you never heard the front door open or the two voices coming towards you.

"If that shirt goes any further up Reid's body I will personally shoot you both" Aaron's voice cut through your current task, Spencer yelped and pulled his shirt back down before hiding his face in your arm, you shimmied back cause Spencer to try stifle a groan.

"Let the kids be kids Aaron" Beth said kissing Aaron's cheek, he huffed as you climbed off of Spencer.

"Is good to see you Beth" you greeted "I'd give you a kiss on the cheek but Spencer will start a lecture about germs and I'm really not feeling it tonight"

She kissed you on the cheek instead and you hauled Spencer to his feet. Guiding the shocked and mortified doctor up the stairs to your bedroom.

"Remember Jack's in bed" Aaron called up after you but you just continued pushing your boyfriend forward.

"Hotch heard me whine" he whispered with wide eyes and you laughed "I was almost begging. My boss almost heard me begging" you laughed even harder and knocked him onto your mattress straddling his hips once more.

"He'll hear you screaming in a minute too" you breathed against his ear and Spencer's face turned scarlet. Life was good.

#aaron hotchner #criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer x reader #spencer reid x reader #Trans male reader

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wickedpact · 3 years

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im taking this fuckign class on ~exploring spirituality~ bc......... i needed a credit and it fit into my schedule, lmao.

and the class is taught by a sicilian roman catholic deacon (? ?? nickycore?) and like. literally its a two hour class where we just talk about religion and our relationship with religion (cries in queer ex-religious person) but yesterday we talked about ~witnessing~ (*cough* prothletising) and the prof actually made a pretty decent point abt it (for a catholic guy) about how offering judgement or trying to '''promote''' christianity is almost never helpful/useful to struggling people and how the best thing you can do both as a christian and as A Fellow Human Being is offer help and support. and thus if/when the topic comes up with that person of 'how/why are you doing this' then give that person the God 411™ if they continue to be open to it. but offering it without being given that opportunity by that person helps no one.

and also how, as a member of the clergy, he's found it counterproductive to talk to his parish about sin, especially 'harmless' sins (the example he gave was sex before marriage), bc doing so just breeds shame, which is again not really helpful to anyone and mostly just alienating for the person at hand.

but that made me think a lot abt nicky and his morality. and how thats portrayed in ttt (Avenging Hand Of God) vs. in the movie (We've Been Offered The Opportunity To Do Good So Lets Do Some Good). and how the former always struck me as. . . .. very very arrogant, to assume the will of God

i mean 'a mistake can be forgiven'. i get it, the guy was an awful human being, but who are yoo ooo ooOUUuu to say what god can and can't forgive? you got the bitch on speed dial or something? (its also worth pointing out that theres no sign in the comic that this guy is religious. what does he care if he broke an oath before god? it makes nicky seem so out of touch for even bringing it up)

and i dont know. i mean... imo at least its clear that nicky is religious In Some Way in both movie and comic verse, but in the movie his ideas are communicated in such a way that they arent inherently 'christian' (note that in the movie nicky never actually invokes the name of god. i dont think he does so in the main comic either. which is a great detail imo! bc andy doesnt believe in god and he doesnt know if nile does! so when he offers up all these comforting ideas about Destiny and Purpose, he does so in a way that non-christians can find comfort in them, even if theyre 'christian concepts' when he thinks of them himself)

but compare that to ttt (and ill give the solo nicky story some slack bc hes talking to other christians there (other christians who use the bible as 'evidence' that theyre doing the right thing) but....... still.)

'but those people really were evil!' i mean yeah. but the point here is nicky using his faith as a weapon of condemnation rather than as a motivator to do good and Spread God's Love (Trademark™). these people are evil not because God(Nicky) Passed Judgement On Them but because they are harming and enslaving people. nicky is killing them not because He Is The Instrument Of Sinners' Damnation but because these people are doing harm, and by killing them nicky is doing good for the people they are oppressing.

nicky reasoning what hes doing here is The Will Of God rather than strategical acts of violence which will have a net positive affect on the world is SUCH a Christian Person Red Flag™ to me. yes these people were all evil but when you reason that you, personally, understand the will of god, and that you, personally, can judge or condemn people based on that will, that opens SUCH an unnerving door in regards to how you see the world (& the people in it) and how you view your own judgement.

i mean,

tldr:

#warning for Thoughts on nicky and religion #(god forbid lmao)

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retrocontinuity · 3 years

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Eat, for this is Her Body: Chainsaw Man and the Doxology of Cannibalism

"One day," Anthony Oliveira writes in "The Year in Apocalypses," [Jesus'] disciples approached their master while he was silent in prayer and made a request: 'Lord, teach us how to pray.'" From here, Jesus teaches them the Lord's Prayer, what the Catholic Church once called "the summary of the whole gospel":

Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name; thy kingdom come; thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us; and lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Denji is no one's disciple. When we first meet him, he is closer to how Oliveira describes Jesus himself, "homeless, gleaning for food in the field like a sparrow and relying on the kindness of strangers to put him up, . . . a man cheerfully resigned to powerlessness." And so, Denji doesn't need to be taught how to pray. He has always known. Every bone in his body at the opening of Chainsaw Man sings out the Lord's Prayer: "forgive me my debts", "deliver me from evil." And, of course, Denji is intimately familiar with the prayer's most pitiable, most powerful line. It's this line that he cries out to Makima when he rests, Pieta-like, in her arms at the end of the first chapter. It can only be this line, one that Denji might have written himself:

Give me, from this day forward, and for all the rest of my days, daily bread.

Bread runs throughout CSM like a mocking scent that you only fully identify in the last two chapters. It should have been a sign to all of us when the first meal Makima buys for Denji is not bread (but rather a hot dog and udon noodles). It isn't until Denji meets and enters Aki's home that he is seen making a hideously overladen slice of toast for himself, luxuriating in having all the toppings he was denied. The morning after she forces Denji to open the door to Power's death, Makima makes the very breakfast she once promised to serve Denji: eggs, coffee, salad, and sliced bread. But this is a meal that Denji never eats—maybe the only meal in the entire series that he, a survivor of the meanest starvation and poverty, ignores. There is only one other time we see this meal in CSM, and it is subtle, almost off camera, though no less meaningful: in Chapter 53, after Reze's death, as Denji sits down to breakfast once more with Power and Aki.

To revisit CSM's public safety arc is to see all the ways the plot connects itself to food and the act of eating, both appetizing and revolting, both profound and profane. Denji, eating gyoza at a bar for the first time. Denji being forced to swallow barf as he is kissed for the first time. The Fox Devil, who eats indiscriminately and on command, who refuses to return to Aki after being fed something disgusting. A fox that is hunted and transformed into stew. Denji eating sandwiches at Reze's cafe. Aki and Angel eating noodles. A woman sitting down to eat a hamburger for the first time, before she commits mass murder. She is worried she has lost her taste buds, yet she exclaims, "So delicious!" We know, later, that this woman is a liar, that no part of her is what she presents herself to be. Should we take this moment at its face value then? Was Santa Claus simply lucky enough to have preserved her sense of taste? Or was it her one last act of humanity, to recognize that it is not enough just to eat, that man does not live on bread alone, that there must be at least food that is also delicious, that inspires people to get up and dance—even if it means she has to lie about what she can experience?

Food is necessary for survival, and CSM is a story about survival. But CSM is also a story about glimpsing the after. After you know you can keep living, what next? After you are no longer starving, after you have been forced to kill a friend, after you have touched your first boob, after you have been betrayed, what next? After you are tired of eating toast with jam for breakfast, what do you eat next?

The version of the Lord's Prayer we tend to recite asks for "our daily bread." But this, most modern scholars believe, is a mistranslation. The Greek adjective as it appears in the Gospel of Matthew and Luke is "epiousios," which doesn't mean "daily" at all, but rather something too complicated etymologically for me to even begin to parse. The point is that what we ask for in the Lord's Prayer is not just bread for today, but bread for tomorrow. Both the physical bread and the spiritual bread. Bread on this kingdom of earth, and bread that is the kingdom of heaven. Bread to feed our bodies, and bread to feed our souls. The realm of the divine is full of these moments, isn't it? Of two things existing at once, in one.

Denji starts the series asking for daily bread, and ends the public safety arc with Nayuta, Makima's reincarnation, asking him for daily bread. Trash heap Denji, living with his not!dog Pochita, really was just asking for daily bread. A slice to eat for breakfast, maybe even with butter and jam. But he too learns that bread, physical bread, is not enough. Merely to subsist, to eat good food, is an empty life. And what he must give Nayuta is not just bread, as was given to him. Otherwise, he will be trapped in a cycle of creating more Makimas. Instead, he must give her a relationship, a family, a world that Makima was unable to create. He must give her, in Pochita's words, lots of hugs. He must give her, in the words of the Lord's Prayer, epiousios.

To be clear, I am not arguing that CSM is meant to be read through a Catholic lens, and I doubt Fujimoto had all of this in mind when he wrote it (though he must have thought something, given that he drew a very large print of Gustave Dore's "Satan descends upon Earth" in Makima's entranceway!). But there is something primal (primordial?) about the Lord's Prayer. If every reader can understand the horror that the Darkness Devil represents, so too we can understand the intimacy and comfort of the Lord's Prayer. It is, as Oliveira writes, "a simple peasant's mantra for detoxing anxiety." Jesus opens by addressing God as father—not king, not an all-mighty spiritual being, but rather "abba, which is rather closer to 'dad,' and not in the intercultural Greek of his adulthood, but the Aramaic of home and childhood." The Lord's Prayer asks for what we always want, the only thing any of us have ever wanted since leaving the womb as infants: for no bad things to happen, for there to be enough to eat.

Even if what we have to eat is another person.

At the center of the Christian liturgy is the Last Supper, and at the center of the Last Supper is a meal that functions as ritual, abomination, accusation, transubstantiation, paranoia, and an early example of cracking open a cold one with the bros. Here, Jesus shares bread and wine with his disciples and then, as if trying to invent r/creepypasta years before its time, informs them they are actually eating his flesh and blood. This image is so powerful and heretical that the Romans accused early Christians of being cannibals. And why shouldn't they? It's there in the text. "Take, eat. This is my body. This is my blood." Stripped of the grandeur of tradition and ritual, this is downright vampiric. And yet it goes on to become the cornerstone of the Christian faith.

Oliveira begs us to see the Last Supper as a family meal, one shared by Jesus and his found family. "All he is really saying is, 'I hope when you eat together, you remember me.'" It's a good reading, one that moves me to tears, and is the framework through which I see the events of chapter 80. Because Makima is not the first time that Denji "consumes" a friend, and I don't just mean him sucking Power's blood or taking Pochita into himself. When Aki died, he left half his fortune to Denji, who uses it to support himself and Power. They "pigged out on good food," he tells us. This is Aki's symbolic body, through which he provides Denji his daily bread. Eat ice cream and onigiri in remembrance of me.

But it is not how I see the events of chapter 96. Denji does not eat Makima in the context of a feast. He does not partake of her in a communal meal, as Jesus did, among his found family. He eats every bite of Makima alone. Jesus said before his death, "this is my blood, which is shed for many." Yet Denji says to Makima, I alone will absolve you alone of your sins. I alone will bear you alone.

Denji's Last Supper is a lonely remembrance. He is hoping that no one but him will remember her. He is hoping to wholly consume her, because he loves her. "We love as cannibals," French philosopher and activist Simone Weil wrote. "Beloved beings . . . provide us with comfort, energy, a simulant. They have the same effect on us as a good meal. . . . We love them, then, as food." In fact, Weil believed we cannot love any other way. As humans, we are forever doomed to want to eat the ones we love. In order to escape, we must both be devoured by God and then become food for our fellow human beings. As Alec Irwin writes of Weil's philosophy, "the devouring violence of God must be positively harnessed in order to dismantle the machinery of human cruelty."

If Weil is right and being devoured is transformation, a crucial part of salvation, then in eating Makima, Denji redeems her. He turns her into food to break the cycle of her cruelty. For Makima's power itself is consuming, cannibalistic. She "eats" humans in order to use her power, which remains mysterious like God moving across the face of the earth, leaving only broken corpses as a sign of its presence. So it must be Denji, not Chainsaw Man, who does the consuming. If Pochita had consumed her, as she had always prayed for, then it would simply be another act of violence being enacted. Instead, Denji gives her salvation by turning her into human food—his food.

To Denji, Aki was human, his family, his brother, his friend. It is Makima he loves as a God and a woman. To him, she is Satan and God, his betrayer and his creator, his salvation and his friends' damnation. So he must take her, consume her, digest her, excrete her, reduce her to nothing, as she once consumed and excreted and reduced him. "I ate her to become one with her." He ate her to become her. There is no truer form of his love than for Denji to take Makima into himself. I use those words purposefully, because this is the rejection of classic cishet PIV penetration, that old hoary chestnut of men inside women. As Don Delillo famously outlines in White Noise, we talk about sex as if women are containers, rooms, elevator lobbies: "He entered me," "I want him inside me," "I took him into myself." Denji and Makima never have physical sex, but this is a consummation, a reversal of roles. We are given the only sex that Shounen Jump will allow us, with Denji taking Makima into himself. She enters him. She is inside him. He is—physically, emotionally, willingly—penetrated by her flesh. She is released inside of him, becoming part of him.

Because the divine is full of moments like this, isn't it? Of two things existing at once, in one. That is the kingdom and the power and the glory. For Makima now lives in that country inhabited by God, where loving and eating are one and the same. For that country is none other than Denji's body.

In conclusion:

Substitute Makima for "God", and the preceding statements are still rigorously accurate.

Further Reading:

Anthony Oliveira's ongoing podcast reading the Gospel of Mark (Patreon exclusive, but I highly recommend, even/especially if you are a heathen like me)

Hannibal (NBC)

Daniel Birnbaum and Anders Olsson, An Interview with Jacques Derrida on the Limits of Digestion

David Farrell Krell, "All You Can't Eat: Derrida's Course, "Rhetorique du Cannibalisme (1990-1991)." Research in Phenomenology, vol. 36, 2006, pp. 130–180. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24660636.

Alec Irwin, “Devoured by God: Cannibalism, Mysticism, and Ethics in Simone Weil.” CrossCurrents, vol. 51, no. 2, 2001, pp. 257–272. JSTOR, www.jstor.org/stable/24460795.

#chainsaw man #cannibalism as love #love as cannibalism

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haileygarciasunshine · 3 years

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Leather and Lace

Pairing: Brian O’Conner x Fem!Reader

Written: December 16th, 2020

Posted: December 17th, 2020

Word Count: 1,767

Warning: Mentions of violence, drugs, street racing, blood.

Requested: Yes!

Summary: Being Dom's best friend you were always there to get him out of trouble. Things become complicated after Letty's death, and the threat of Braga looming. (Based on FastFour)

Brian O’Conner Masterlist

"Hello?"

"It's Dom-"

"I'll be right there."

Once the phone call ended, you raced around your room grabbing any article of clothing that could fit in your duffle bag. Sighing, you knew something big had to be going on if you were getting a call about Dom. He always tried to keep you out of whatever job he was doing, often claiming his world wasn't for you.

Growing up, you befriended Letty. She was quick to become your best friend. Letty was the one to introduce you to your love of cars. It was something that you were both able to bond over while allowing you to spend a lot of time together. After a while, she introduced you to her guy friend Dominic. From that moment on, the three of you were inseparable.

Dom was quick to take on the father role in your life. He had insisted that you go to college since the rest of them didn't. He didn't want you to end up in their world and wanted you to make something of yourself. After months of discussion, you decided to go to college. It was only a few hour drive away from home. Dom had rarely called you when he was in trouble as he didn't want you to get distracted from your studies. Whenever you were home for the summer's Letty and Dom, taught you all about street racing.

Shaking your head you cleared your mind from the memories as you continued scurrying around your room. Grabbing your black leather jacket, you threw on a crop top before lacing up your boots.

Making your way to your apartment door, you gazed around as the thought of not knowing when you were coming back, crossed your mind. Living in your apartment had never been your home. You always considered wherever you were with the crew to be your home.

Shutting the door, you bounded down the stairwell, before you crossed the threshold to the parking garage. Opening your car door, you tossed your duffle bag inside, before climbing in. Your car was a black Dodge Charger that Dom had gotten you as a going-away present.

Pressing the gas with one foot, you kept your other on the brake. The sound of your engine bounced off the cement walls. Your heart began pumping faster, as a giddy feeling bubbled up. It had been a while since you were able to drive as you had with the crew.

---

In no time, you pulled into the crew's hangout. Making your way to the area where everyone was, you could hear the familiar voice of Roman echoed off the walls.

As you walked through the threshold, everyone's eyes moved to you. Grinning you looked at your friends.

"Hey, guys."

"Y/N!" Tej exclaimed, his voice filled with excitement. Rushing towards you, he wrapped his arms firmly around your waist, before lifting you off the ground as he twirled around.

The sound of your giggles filled the air.

"I've missed you, Y/N." He spoke placing you back on your feet. Pulling away he kept his hands on your waist.

"I've missed you too, T." You grinned.

"Let the poor girl go, Tej." Roman's voice rang through your ears.

Giggling you turned toward his voice.

"Don't worry, I missed you too." You giggled, throwing your arms around his shoulders before pulling him into a tight hug.

"Nice to see you, Pipsqueak."

You groaned before rolling your eyes.

"Oh, this is Brian," Tej spoke from behind you, gesturing to the dirty blond in front of you. His piercing blue eyes were the first thing you noticed.

"Brian this is Y/N." He introduced.

"So you're the Y/N, I've heard so much about." His husky voice whirled in your ears, as he extended his hand.

"And you're the FBI street racer, I've heard about." You sassed, ignoring his hand before you made your way towards Mia.

As you walked past Brian, you didn't miss the frustrated sigh that passed his lips.

Once you were caught up on what had happened, you were overwhelmed with sadness. Letty had taken on a motherly role for you, she was someone you trusted with your life, someone you could go to with anything.

"I'm sorry." You quickly excused yourself, as your vision became blurred by tears that were threatening to fall.

Rushing out, you had barely made it before a sob raked through your body. A pair of firm hands gripped your shoulder turning you around. You were face to face with the new crew member, Brian. At that moment you didn't care. Propelling yourself into him, you cried into his shoulder, as he wrapped his firm arms around your waist. One of his hands began moving up and down your back in an attempt to soothe you.

"It'll be okay." He muttered in your ear.

"How can you say that?" You asked not bothering to remove yourself from the crook of his neck.

"Because he has you." He spoke softly. "With you by his side, he can overcome anything."

As you let his words sink in, fireworks erupted in your stomach.

---

After that moment, you and Brian had grown closer than you expected. While you were becoming closer, you were developing feelings for the cop.

"It's someone named Braga," Dom spoke, his voice hollow.

Flinching you nodded. Dom had planned to win a street race for a chance to speak with Braga. A new drug lord was in town. With each passing day of Letty's death, Dom became someone you didn't know.

Sighing, you often confided in Brian about your feelings causing you to spend more and more time with him. He was quickly becoming someone you trusted.

"I have to go with him." You spoke standing up from the couch.

"Y/N, it's too dangerous," Brian spoke quickly standing, his voice filled with concern.

Whirling around, you turned to face him. Fury coursing through your body.

"Don't tell me it's too dangerous." You spat. "Would you tell the guys that?"

Brian sighed before frowning.

"Exactly." You shook your head.

"I just... I just don't want you to get hurt."

You raised an eyebrow at him. "Again, I ask, would you tell one of the guys that?"

He frowned in response.

"Exactly." You huffed crossing your arms over your chest. "Why are you so against me doing this? I'll be with Dom."

"I care about you!" He exclaimed as his voice was full of frustration. "Dom, isn't really, Dom at the moment." He ran a hand along his face.

---

"This is the hangout. Braga is around here somewhere." The man spoke as he lead the small group of people out of the elevator.

Darting your eyes around the room, you attempted to search for Dom or Brian. Both of them were here after the street race, neither expected you would show up.

A sigh of relief fell from your lips as you spotted them both at the bar.

"I'll take a beer." You muttered to the bartender.

Making your way to the opposite end of the bar, you took a seat beside Brian. Immediately both men's eyes fell upon you.

"Y/N." Dom hissed. "What do you think you're doing?" He moved promptly to the other side of you, so you were boxed in between them.

You shrugged before taking a swig of your beer. "The same thing you guys are."

"Do you have any idea-"

"You think I'd let my best friends do something stupid without me?" You questioned with a raised eyebrow.

You didn't miss the blush that made it's way to Brian's cheeks.

Dom scoffed. "Don't be stupid. Go home."

"No." You spoke in a firm voice.

It was Dom's turn to raise an eyebrow.

"It's not up for discussion," Dom spoke.

"Exactly." You challenged not breaking eye-contact.

Dom let out a frustrated huff. "Whatever."

---

Braga had decided to allow you and Brian to do the job along with Dom. As you sat in your cars inside the semi-truck, you couldn't help but feel uneasy. Glancing around the truck, you felt an intense pair of eyes on you. Dom was staring back at you. His expression was unreadable.

The small team that Braga had assembled, was driving through country roads in Mexico. Once the team had gotten the items, you were driving through the desert to the board that separated the United States and Mexico. Everyone was ordered to stay information while driving. It was pitch black out when they had decided to make the move.

Gisele's voice began becoming frantic as the team was spotted on the border patrol's camera's. It quickly became a race against time. Your heart began beating rapidly at the realization that you might get caught, knowing deep down that you were transporting drugs for Braga.

Once the team pulled into the small area in the mountains, everyone got out of their cars. In a matter of minutes, one of the minions for Braga had pulled a gun out threatening to shoot Dom.

Dom started his car on fire, causing the rest of the cars to start on fire.

The small explosion making everyone fly to the ground. You hit the ground with a muffled thud. As you were flung to the ground, you hit your head causing a small amount of blood to trickle down your face.

"Y/N!" Dom and Brian yelled in unison as they frantically searched for you.

Groaning, you pushed off the ground, before standing up. "I'm here."

Dom rushed towards you, pulling you in for a bone-crushing hug. One of his hands cradled your head, as he placed a gentle kissed on your head.

"I'm sorry, kid." He muttered into your hair.

Brian was quick to pull you in for an unexpected hug. His hug caught you off guard as fireworks erupted in your stomach. Nuzzling his shoulder you inhaled his sent, as comfort and security washed over you allowing you to close your eyes.

Pulling away from his slightly, you gazed upwards at him taking in his ocean eyes. Brian leaned in slightly as if testing the waters. Leaning up towards him, your lips collided. The kiss was short and sweet.

Gasping slightly, you jumped away from him as you realize Dom was around.

"Dom-" You turned to face him.

"So my two best friends, huh?"

A grin made it's way to your lips as you felt heat rise in your cheeks. Turning to face Brian, he was mirroring your expression. Dom threw his arms around your shoulders before he pulled you both away from the firey scene.

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rsitb-second-account · 3 years

Text

Borrower Intruloceit

Janus, Remus and Logan were (very happily) in a polyamorous relationship. However, to most of the world, Janus and Remus were just a couple. You see, Logan was a borrower; a tiny person that lives in the walls of human houses and steals from those humans in order to survive. And, he’s a secret.

Here’s three close calls and the one time everyone found out about Logan.

1. The time Remus’ brother showed up unannounced

Logan was sitting on the arm of the couch, having a movie date with his boyfriends, when the door slammed open. He quickly gestured to Janus’ pocket, hoping he would understand. Luckily, he nodded and quickly scooped up the borrower and deposited him in the fairly large (to Logan at least) pocket.

“good evening, Roman. Is there a reason you showed up unannounced, or did you just want to ruin our date?” Janus spoke coldly

“oh- I- uh.. I didn’t know you two had a date tonight..” Roman rubbed his neck sheepishly

“us three” Logan corrected under his breath, shifting his position slightly. Unfortunately, Roman seemed to notice the movement from the pocket.

“What’s in your pocket?” He asked hesitantly

Logan stilled and held his breath as Janus answered “why do you want to know?”

Remus was staying silent, not trusting himself to not accidentally let something slip.

“I want to know beca-” he was cut off by Remus

“why are you here Roman?”

That quickly distracted the human “oh! I was just-” he explained why he was there, Logan still forcing himself to be still.

Once the dramatic man had left, the borrower let out an annoyed sigh “you really need to take away his key, so he can’t do this again. It is rather annoying to have to hide every two seconds that Roman shows up unexpectedly”

Remus giggled “and what would we tell him? ‘oh yeah our secret tiny boyfriend doesn’t like it when you burst in randomly so we’re gonna take your key’ I don’t think that would work very well, tiny nerd”

2. Janus’ brother shows up slightly less unannounced than Roman

Janus, Remus and Logan were watching random Youtube videos, with Logan sat on Remus’ shoulder. They heard the door open at the same time as Janus got a text message from his brother, Virgil

Was on a walk and saw your house. Am now in your house :)

Luckily, there was an entrance to the walls right next to where they were sat and Logan practically ran into it, the entrance closing just as Virgil entered the room.

“Virgil, do you have a reason to be here other than being an annoyance?” Janus raised an eyebrow at his younger sibling

“Nope!” Virgil replied with fake cheerfulness, before sitting cross-legged on the floor staring at the other humans. Remus just stared back, but with a slightly more eerie tone to his actions.

Janus just sighed at his boyfriend and his brother. He had no doubt that Logan was watching with an annoyed face that he would deny ever making. Almost everything they tried to do together was interrupted by someone bursting in uninvited, and it was getting tiresome. He heard a faint noise from the walls and by the looks of it Virgil and Remus heard it too.

Logan had gotten into a fight with a (luckily non-venomous) spider, and had just killed it, when he tripped. The impact made him hiss with pain and, unfortunately, made a semi-loud sound on its own. “... what was that?” He heard Virgil ask

Janus and Remus looked at each other for a split second, before Janus shrugged and said that it was probably nothing

“Anyway, emo, if you’re scared and you didnt come here for a reason, you can leave” Remus said, slightly too bluntly.

Virgil, thankfully for Logan, did in fact leave. It was at exactly that moment that the borrower decided that Virgil was better (if only slightly) than Roman

3. The time with Patton

Logan was wandering around the house (its his house and he can do that now that the humans knew about him) when a knock at the door sounded. Suddenly really glad that he stayed near the walls on his walk, he rushed into the closest entrance.

He knew that this would be Patton (he was the only person who ever bothered to knock) but he still couldn’t decide whether this particular human was as good as Virgil or not. He was better than Roman, not as loud (though still pretty loud), and not as keen on staying somewhere that he didn’t own. However, he wasn’t as quiet as Virgil, and had accidentally hurt his ears quite a few times, but at least he knocked instead of bursting in randomly with little to no warning.

He watched from a vent as Remus opened the door

“Heya Remus! Can i come in?” Patton greeted with obviously fake happiness and Logan could see a smile that seemed just a little too forced

“of course, do you want to sit down? I’ll go get Janus” Remus genuinely had no clue what to do, but Janus was slightly better at comforting people. Logan was better at it as well, because he’d bring up facts about why you’re good, but it wasn’t like Logan could comfort Patton..

Janus quickly rushed to the living room, where his best friend was obviously trying to hold back tears.

Logan watched Patton rant about both everything and nothing at the same time, obviously just needing someone to talk to. As much as he hated to admit it, he was still annoyed at the interruption that had forced him into the walls. He couldn’t control what annoyed him, and that in itself was an annoyance. He wanted to sympathise with the human, but did he have to show up right as Logan was finally relaxing? He decided to just randomly do things on the phone his boyfriends had given him. It had been hard to drag to his house in the walls but it made it easier to not get bored and to contact the two humans

4. When everyone (finally) finds out

Logan had had enough. The three humans that didn’t live in the house had all shown up unexpectedly, together. Whilst Logan, Remus and Janus were trying to finally have uninterrupted time together. Of course that’s when they show up Logan thought bitterly. They had showed up for, as they put it, a ‘surprise sleepover’

He glanced at his phone leaning on the wall next to his bed and a thought popped into his head. The humans were bound to find out anyway, if they were to keep bursting in unexpectedly, so why not just tell them?

Logan unlocked his phone, opening Whatsapp and typing out a message

‘tel VIrgl patan and romun to stay were they are. im reveeling mysellf to them. im going throo the enterance on the bukshelf. see yoo soon’

He probably spelt most of it wrong, but he hadn’t exactly gotten taught spelling. All he was taught in regards to reading, was just barely enough to figure out what he was taking and if it was dangerous or not. And he was making a life-changing decision, so he thought that meant he could make as many spelling mistakes as he did, and play it off to nervousness.

Janus and Remus both looked at their phones and paled. What was Logan thinking?! It seemed that the other humans had noticed their uneasiness “what’s wrong? What’s on your phones that is making you react like this??” Virgil asked, worry lacing his tone

“Don’t worry, Vee. It’s nothing bad, it’s just.. unexpected. ...You’ll see, just stay there” Janus soothed his brother

“you two stay there as well” Remus added , getting up and walking towards the bookshelf, Janus soon joining him. They looked at where they knew the entrance was, waiting for it to open.

Roman piped up “uh, care to tell us what is going on?”

“we will, but not yet. We need to wait”

“well, that was ominous..” Virgil commented, seeming slightly nervous

Then, the entrance opened and Logan walked out glaring softly at the shocked humans

“uh, Remus, what the fuck is that?!” Roman practically shouted, reminding Logan just why he was on the bottom of his list of favourites.

“He is our boyfriend, and I expect you to treat him with respect” Janus said, his voice venomous. Remus held out a hand for Logan to climb onto, which the borrower did, still glaring at the other humans (mostly Roman).

“Salutations. I am Logan, do not introduce yourselves, I already know who you are” He spoke before muttering an “unfortunately”

Remus, being the only person close enough to hear the mutter, let out a chuckle “Lo, if you revealed yourself just to complain about them to their faces, this will be hilarious”

The three humans were staring in shock, until Roman snapped out of it “Wait- why would he be complaining? I don’t know about those two, but I am positively amazing!”

Logan scoffed “yeah, amazing. You’re too loud, burst in randomly, and it’s always for the stupidest reasons. You have hurt my ears far too many times to count, and almost every time me, Janus and Remus try to do something together, you show up, and I have to hide or go back to the walls. So, yeah, amazing” He spoke, voice dripping with sarcasm.

He turned to the other two “you two aren’t as bad, but you still manage to show up at some of the worst possible times. Patton, you are quite loud, but not as loud as Roman, so that makes you slightly better. Also, you don’t burst in, and you knock so that’s something good. Virgil, you’re not as loud as these two, which is good, and you always send a text message when you show up, so I have at least a little bit of warning before going into the walls, so you’re both better than Roman” not that that’s saying much he added mentally.

-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-/\-

I kinda wanna write a prequel about how Logan, Remus and Janus met..

Tag list: @icantthinkofacreativeurl @vann-cat @moonfrost-star-comics

#sanders sides #sanders sides fic #sanders sides au #borrower au #sanders sides borrower #borrower logan #human patton #human roman #human virgil #human janus #human remus #g/t au #sanders sides g/t #intruloceit #i wrote this whilst very sick and dizzy so its probably not the best #Ash tries to write something

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romanapologist · 3 years

Text

montreal - roman hurt/comfort

pairing: this was written to all be platonic prinxiety, but can definitely be interpreted romantically !

warnings: unconventional self harm, non-graphic descriptions of wounds/injury

summary: a post-POF roman hurt/comfort fic in january 2021? yes <3

word count: 3.2k

notes: large portions of this were salvaged from one (1) night last summer at 4am when i was having a . time. the rest has been mainly recently written before i go to bed, with some extra bits added during my history classes B)) also shout out to [REDACTED]. u may not read this but if u do, i hope u know who u are & ilu

Virgil had been trying to calm himself down for the better part of an hour, as soon as they got back from the wedding fiasco; and he was doing a relatively okay job. Considering the circumstances, at least. Or so he thought, when he registered a spike in Thomas’s anxiety. This only served to make Virgil more anxious, because he had thought he had been doing well—until, he realized it wasn’t anxiety, not exactly, not fully—and it wasn’t coming from him.

Once he'd figured that out, it wasn't hard to trace the feeling to the imagination. He paused at the door. If this was where the strongest negative emotions were coming from, he already knew which side this was about. And could he really be surprised? Roman had wanted that callback for so long. Even at the court case, even when Roman gave Thomas his sentence, Virgil knew it killed him. And Virgil didn't do anything. Because he was so fucking scared of Thomas being bad, or of Janus winning, or something, and now whatever was going on was his fault, and--

And now was not the time for these thoughts. He breathed in. He opened the door.

Immediately, he was coughing out soot, heat burned his cheeks, his eyes blurred with protective tears forming against the smoke. It was hard to see, let alone process, what was happening. Then, he caught sight of the Dragon Witch. And he caught sight of—

“Roman!” Virgil choked on the yell, coughing again.

Obviously Roman couldn’t hear him from the distance, especially considering the brutal roar of the creature. Adrenaline kicked in, and as Virgil began to sprint towards the prince, he took in the entirety of the scene with alarm. Roman was...fighting, sure, except that Virgil had seen him fight before, and this... wasn’t right. Roman bested manticore-chimeras like it was a breeze, he HAD bested the Dragon Witch herself in every form she took, “just for training.” He always moved like he was in a ballet, not a battle, like it was more for show than challenge, and now...

Virgil watched Roman fall to a hard swish of the creature’s tail, and stay there. He almost expected the Dragon Witch to take mercy, or at least, to accept an early victory. But he watched her rear back, raise a taloned hand, the magma-red in her throat glowing brighter and brighter—just as Virgil got close enough to let fight win over flight.

Virgil crashed into Roman; they rolled just far enough that the swipe of claws only ripped the edge of Virgil’s jacket.

Immediate danger out of the way, Virgil clenched his eyes tight, trying to do it how Logan taught him. He found something that didn’t make sense--the grass. The grass was dry, therefore it should have been burning, but it wasn’t. He took that foothold to dispel all the fantastical elements of the scene, Dragon Witch and all her carnage blinking from existence. The new calm of the scene was jarring.

That just left a great big field, Virgil, and one absolute dumbass.

"What the fuck, Princey?!"

Virgil’s voice was distorted with stress, and Roman stared up at him wide-eyed, unsure—even terrified in a way that hurt. Virgil quickly pushed himself up so he wasn't pinning the other. Roman tried to copy this movement, only to groan, start coughing, and fall back again.

“Shit, I—“ Virgil looked at his hands and found red on them, looked at Roman and saw the color painting his chest. “I thought I dispelled all the imaginary stuff, why—?“

“Left brain sides can only dispel so much of what right brain sides feel,” Roman said, voice rough and thin and upsettingly casual, “Since they feel so real to me, you can’t get rid of them.”

“They feel…? Christ, ok, you need a medical kit, uhm—“ Virgil closed his eyes again; he was notoriously shitty at summoning things, and he had to concentrate for this—

“That’s ok; I’ve got it,” Roman said, letting out a quiet hiss as he propped himself up on one arm, and summoned the medical kit with the other, “You can go now.”

Virgil gaped at him in disbelief. When Roman attempted to stand up, and Virgil could no longer deny he wasn’t joking, he exclaimed, “Like Hell am I going, idiot!”

Roman just stared at him, and Virgil cursed under his breath. “Ok ok, let’s just... we should do this in the bathroom, uhm—“

Virgil awkwardly clambered over to Roman again, taking his hand, so he could blink them over together. He knew it would probably be more comfortable for Roman to sink in and out, but considering Virgil wasn’t practiced at that, he wasn’t going to risk screwing it up.

They apparated into the bathtub, and Virgil scrambled up, taking the med kit from Roman's hands.

Ok, ok, now Virgil just had to remember that one time Logan lectured them all on “Side Safety.” He took a shaky breath and washed his hands quickly, before turning back to Roman. He allowed himself to fully assess the prince this time and… Jesus. He was slumped against the back of the tub, having given up his attempts at composure while he thought Virgil wasn’t looking. His litany of scrapes, cuts, bruising, his shallow breathing, and--most of all--the wet, red patch slowly growing on his shirt, sparked renewed panic in Virgil.

“Ok, fuck, ok--let’s do this,” Virgil said, mostly to himself, as he knelt down by Roman to undo his already tattered shirt and take a wet towel to his chest. He had to suck in a breath at the sight of the jagged wound, a nauseous feeling catching up to him.

“You’ve already done a lot, you know,” Roman insisted. “You can--”

“If you tell me to go, Princey, I swear I’ll make these wounds worse myself,” he said, not meaning it in the slightest, which he would assume Roman knew--but the way Roman flinched and shut his mouth told a different story. “Shit, I didn’t mean that. Of course I didn’t mean that!”

Roman glanced away, and Virgil reached to cup his cheek, an instinct he didn’t know he had. Luckily, he caught himself in time to retract his hand. They both avoided eye contact for a second; Virgil cleared his throat; and he reached for the bottle of hydrogen peroxide before pausing. He vaguely recalled Logan mentioning how strong alcohols would only cause more harm, and they should just stick to mild soap instead. He gave the cut a longer look-over—it was certainly not a pretty sight, but probably not as bad as it looked. It was large, but not too deep. Plus, as sides, it would heal itself without needing anything like stitches or professional medical work. The past scars littering Roman’s body were proof of that. Actually--had he always had this many scars? Virgil squinted. How often did he do this?

Virgil finished cleansing and bandaging the wound to the best of his ability, with little talk beyond the occasional, soft “sorry” at Roman’s winces. When he had finished, he gave Roman his hoodie (an action the Prince was too tired to take much notice of), since summoning a new shirt seemed like a waste of whatever energy he had left.

“Ok, Princey, all done. Uhm, are you—how, how are you?” Virgil mentally kicked himself.

A small, bitter smile tugged at Roman’s lips for just a moment. He opened his mouth and then closed it, and finally shrugged. “Thank you for your help.”

It hurt, Virgil realized. Roman’s quiet voice, where near-shouting was his usual speech. His unkempt hair sticking to his forehead, where it was usually styled to be very lightly and intentionally ruffled. The bags beneath his eyes where there was usually concealer. All of it hurt.

Virgil sucked in a breath. “Look, I’m sorry if I’m being annoying, but I hope you know there’s absolutely no way I’m leaving yet.”

“Virgil,” Roman almost said it as a whine, which was closer to his usual style, so Virgil considered it progress.

“Roman,” Virgil deadpanned back.

Roman huffed. “Maybe I need space to really explore my feelings, and you’re actually being a terrible friend right now,” he argued.

“Uh-huh, well being a terrible friend is always my favorite, so,” Virgil leaned down, fumbling slightly as he picked Roman up bridal style, “We’re gonna get you to bed, and you can explore your feelings by sleeping.”

“Great, now you’re damsel-in-distressing me,” Roman said sarcastically, but he leaned his head into Virgil’s chest as he did so, which kind of ruined his point.

“Yeah, yeah. Act more like Megara next time, and maybe it’ll be different.”

•••

Roman groaned upon waking up. His whole body ached, but mainly it was focused around a sharper pain in his chest. He let his eyes flutter open, only to find Virgil staring at him from his desk.

“Ah,” Roman uttered, a jumble of memories from the past few hours returning. They felt foggy and mildly icky, but mainly the pain in them was the numb kind of pain, the tired kind. Really, it was indistinguishable from the dull ache of his bruises and cuts.

“Yeah,” Virgil said, as though he understood, even though he couldn’t possibly. “Uh, wanna talk about it?”

It was clear Virgil felt awkward asking the question. It was unclear whether that was due to his tendency to be embarrassed by everything he said, or—far more likely—that he wanted to stop babying a stupid prince, and just go about his business.

Roman sat up, suppressing a wince as best he could. “Do you want to hear about it?”

“Of course I do.” Virgil said it without an ounce of hesitation. Roman’s breath caught.

“Oh.” Roman shifted slightly over, and Virgil took a seat by him on the bed. “Okay. Uhm. I don’t know, I just—I messed up.” What else was new?

“...What did you mess up?” Virgil asked, with an inkling of suspicion, like he knew what this was about. But it wasn’t that; it wasn’t the callback—that was over and done and dead. Roman had created so many fantasies, so many crazy scenarios where they could somehow still make it in that stupid movie, and it had always filled him with hope or crushing pain or something, but as of this afternoon? He didn’t even care. It didn’t matter.

So, Roman ignored the question, and instead commented, “Janus got accepted.”

“What the fuck.”

Roman observed Virgil’s stricken expression like an unsettling kind of mirror of himself when—

My name is Janus.

“Yeah,” Roman sighed, “I didn’t take it so well either.”

Virgil looked at him for a long moment, seeming to go through several series of emotions, before he was able to ask, “...What happened?”

Roman inhaled sharply. “I was wrong about being wrong about the wedding. Patton was also wrong; Janus was right, and then Patton was right because he wasn’t a total asshole to Janus, and I’m evil; Thomas hates me; whatever, you get it.”

He thought he would break down, saying it, but he felt oddly… fine. He sat, staring at the same spot as he was before, absentmindedly annoyed at the way his bandages itched. The normalcy of the situation almost made it worse. This sucked. This wasn’t even bad.This was the worst he had ever felt.

“Oook,” Virgil said, clearly not knowing where to start, “I—you—what do you mean: Thomas hates you?”

“Thought that one was self-explanatory.”

“He can’t hate you,” Virgil said with a laughable amount of conviction. “You’re still his… y’know.. goals. Desires. Hopes. Whatever. Just because this one didn’t go… perfectly, doesn’t mean you won’t keep—“ he struggled to find the phrasing for a moment— “...fighting, uh, valiantly for Thomas’s dreams!” he attempted at the encouragement with a weak smile.

Roman just shook his head. “No. I don’t know what he wants.”

Virgil’s smile dropped into confusion. “But… you are his wants.”

“That’s kind of the problem.”

Virgil seemed at a loss, and Roman felt like an asshole. Here he was trying to help him, and Roman couldn’t even be bothered to put on a smile to dismiss him from the duty.

“Please go,” Roman attempted weakly when he couldn’t find a more convincing argument in himself. He was meant to be an actor, but he knew he couldn’t hide the fact that he wanted him to stay, of course he did, so badly. He hoped Virgil would just quit with the chivalry and go despite that.

Virgil sighed deeply and pinched the bridge of his nose. “Shit, I'm going about this all wrong.”

Roman knew it probably wasn’t really him Virgil was mad at, but it was hard not to shrink away anyway.

“Look, Roman—“ Virgil turned to him, looked at him seriously, took his hands in his— “To be honest? I don’t care what happened. I don’t care who was right or wrong—I mean, we all know I’ve been in the wrong more than my fair share. It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

Roman didn’t miss the ambiguity of the end statement. “But… look, you don’t get it. When you mess up, you’re still you. You’re still...,” Roman gestured vaguely, which upset his bandages, and when he looked down at himself, he took note of the black/purple hoodie he was wearing. He melted slightly. This was exactly the point he was trying to make, “You’re still... y’know. Important.”

“Wh—? Of course you’re important, Ro. You’re creativity—“

“Thomas has two of those.”

Virgil looked at him like he was stupid. “Right, as if you’re anything like Remus.”

Roman’s lip quivered at that, and he had to look away, which was so stupid. And suddenly he felt all of the embarrassment at once—of this situation, of everything that had happened before, of the way he was about to cry, in front of Virgil, after he said that, which must look so—

“Roman?”

A hand was on his cheek, softly turning his face towards Virgil’s, though Roman still refused to meet his eyes.

Virgil cursed to himself under his breath. “Shit, this is exactly what I was trying not to say.” He sighed, and Roman hesitantly looked up at him. “Look. Even if you weren’t creativity, if you weren’t hopes or dreams or any of it—if you were a completely pointless side, which you aren’t, but if you were—I wouldn’t care. What I care about is that you’re... Roman. That you bother me until I sing Disney with you, that when you put your heart into something, you do it to a stupid amount, that you make Thomas take trashy buzzfeed soulmate quizzes when he’s stressed, and that you fucking try so hard for everything, even when I’m being a little bitch about it,” he paused. With the hand on Roman’s cheek, he traced the line of a scar down his jaw. It was one of the ones Roman usually made sure to put an illusion over, he noted offhandedly. “I care, because you’re my best friend.”

“Don’t say that,” Roman choked out. He couldn’t handle it if it was a lie, and part of him couldn’t manage hearing it as anything but exactly that. “Just—just—“

“Oh, Princey..”

Virgil held him as he broke. Roman didn’t know how long they sat like that as he let everything wash over him for a final time, let it all truly sink in at long last. He took heaving, messy sobs, no doubt ruining Virgil’s shirt in the process—he was quiet, though. He shook silently, save a couple choked breaths, in the other’s arms--that was a habit he had taught himself long ago.

When Roman had tired himself out, when all that was left was the pain in chest, (which was also suddenly duller—he was healing fast, even for a side—) he pulled back from the embrace. Virgil didn’t move by much, kept them so their fingers were laced together, as they sat staring at each other.

“Uhm. Thanks,” Roman gave a shaky smile, “You really—uh... I... I said some stupid stuff, huh?”

Virgil hesitated before he spoke, as if he knew he shouldn’t ask this right now, but needed to anyway. “...Roman, why’d you go to the Imagination?”

Roman felt ice stab at his chest upon the question. He didn’t want to do this. They had already talked about so much that he shouldn’t have gotten into; this was meant to be the part where they either parted or watched a stupid movie. And this, out of everything, was the conversation he most needed to avoid.

“Uh—I mean, to let off steam?” Roman gave a laugh as best he could. “Obviously, it didn’t go to plan—“

“Didn’t it?”

Roman’s face fell immediately. He struggled to come up with an answer, and even if he had had one, he didn’t think the sound would come out. This was enough of an answer in itself

“Shit,” Virgil breathed. Roman couldn’t help but be mildly annoyed by his surprise—clearly he had already known, he didn’t have to make it a big deal now.

“I… Princey—Roman…” Virgil looked him up and down, and Roman wanted to curl up and hide. “...how many times?”

“Not many,” Roman mumbled. Virgil must have known he was pushing the subject too far, because he just frowned and said,

“OK. I mean...it’s not OK, obviously, but you already know that, I just—“ he sighed. “Just… can you talk to me? Instead? Please? When you feel like… that.”

“Yeah, that sounds good,” Roman responded hastily, wanting an out from this topic.

Virgil gave him a look. “I’m serious. I mean—look, you don’t even have to talk about it if you don’t want. Just, come to me first, yeah?”

Roman’s face burned; he was embarrassed; he wanted to shrug this whole thing off, or roll his eyes, or maybe scream in annoyance. But the rational part of him knew Virgil was right. “OK,” he agreed softly, “...Thanks. For everything.”

Virgil looked surprised, and then flustered, and then waved off the earnest reply. “I mean, it wasn’t--I didn’t--it’s not like I did anything really--”

“You did.”

Virgil’s face softened. “Yeah, well... you’d’ve done the same for me. You... have done the same for me.”

Roman smiled gently at him. “By the way, Virge--” He hesitated. He was about to sound like a real dumbass if Virgil had only been saying this stuff for comfort’s sake. But making a fool of himself was becoming a theme for him anyway, so he continued, “You’re my best friend too.”

I love you.

In the same beats Roman thought it, Virgil squeezed his hand lightly 3 times. A breath passed between them. An understanding. That Roman couldn’t say it out loud, and Virgil wouldn’t.

Instead, Virgil fell back across the bed, bringing Roman with him in the motion. Roman let out a startled gasp and elbowed him lightly. “Hey! I’m injured, that could have been a fatal impact for me!” he whined.

Virgil snorted. “Yeah, yeah, OK. So, do you wanna watch a stupid movie, or what?”

#lucy.fic #romangst #roman sanders angst #roman hurt/comfort #prinxiety #platonic prinxiety #ts roman #ts virgil #everyone ik reading the title of this fic: ohhh my god we know u like penelope scott we know #‘we know u associate this song w roman we KNOW</3’#roman sanders #virgil sanders #sanders sides #also standard statement that im not a writer i just write sometimes pls do not. judge thishehusgs

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