#it's 20 minutes past 1am here i would like to fucking SLEEP

[blatterpussbunnyfromhell]

So what this new law means is that my aunt can't accompany her daughters on school trips anymore. And now the government's trying to ban halal food.

What's next?

A law that bans arab and muslim names for children born in this upcoming decade and forward?

A law that says women who cover their hair aren't allowed to leave their homes anymore?

A law that retroactively revokes the right of land in favor of the right of blood but only for immigrant families of MENA countries?

A law that bans mosques altogether?

A law that criminalizes being Muslim in the name of secularism?

If that last one sounds inconsistent as fuck it's because it IS. That law about minor Muslim girls not being allowed to wear a niqab or a hijab anymore was voted in the name of the separatism law. Separatism used to mean that the State would not have an official religion anymore and would not fund any religions either, that no religion shall be taught in schools, BUT that anyone is free to practice their own religion and that NO ONE SHALL BE TROUBLED FOR THEIR RELIGIOUS PRACTICES OR BELIEFS.

WHICH IS EXACTLY THE OPPOSITE OF WHAT THIS NEW "SEPARATISM LAW" IS TRYING TO DO.

TL;DR : The French government is targetting its Muslim population in the name of secularism, passing a law that is entirely unconstitutional.

#french #france #islamophobia #islamophobes #loi séparatisme #loi laïcité 1905 #unconstitutional #fascism #it's 20 minutes past 1am here i would like to fucking SLEEP #and not worry about wether or not my cousins and aunties are gonna get mugged by fucking cops next time they go out #im not religious. but you really dont need to be realise this whole situation is effed up #institutionalized racism

[2018shawn]

the anatomy of you and i | s.m

Hi I was wondering if could do prompt cozy 3 and 12 with Shawn and inexperienced!y/n she’s never shared a bed with a boy before or something only if ur comfortable u don’t have to of course just thought it would be soft and sweet 🙈❤️

cozy prompt 3: “Don’t be nervous, you can come closer”

cozy prompt 12: We could... take a nap together?

a/n: so it came out like college!shawn x college!reader au bc that’s just kinda what flowed so i hope that’s ok and i also really kinda wanna do a part 2 to this because it turned out more of a fic than a blurb lmao 🥺👉🏽👈🏽 also pt 2 i’m sorry the layout of this is gross i’m on my phone and can’t figure out how to do anything ok bye

warnings: just swearing and i think that might be it

the music from the room next to yours was something you imagined only happened in movies. it was loud and bassy and everything you didn’t want on a wednesday evening; you knew part of living in dorms would entail disturbances and inconveniences, but a party? on a wednesday night? you picked up your tote bag full of reading and text books after throwing your trusty vans jumper over your head, all ready and prepared to head down to the 24/7 library on campus. 

if you thought the music was loud in your room, you could think again, because in the hallway, not only could you hear the echos from the speakers, you could hear the shrill screams and yells from the party goers. the further away you got from your neighbouring apartment, the (thankfully) quieter it got and your short trip to the library was soon complete, the dull street lamps and soft breeze in the trees accompanying you along the way.

just as you thought, the library was empty, nothing but the sound of the door clicking shut behind you filling the room. a relieved sigh left your lips as you tugged your bag close to your body, as if the room was full of robbers who were about to mug you for your oh so precious books. opting for a more relaxed approach, seeing as it was 10.45pm, you headed to the sofa area, half thinking it would be a great place to take a nap.

instead, the anatomy of the heart was more important and your assignment was due in within a matter of days. you grabbed one handle of your bag, stretching it away from your body so you could pull out your book of choice before coming around to the front of the sofas so you could finally relax and take your time and- oh. you weren’t the only one here.

even though he was sprawled across the sofa, you could tell he was tall, really tall. the cap, embroidered with the college logo, covered his hair, but from the few stray strands, you could see wild, chocolatly curls falling loose. his eyes were shut, almost peacefully, arms crossed across his chest and very, very quietly, you could hear the soft sound of music coming from his headphones. his eyes flickered open, feeling a presence above him, and he laughed at you when you freaked out, realising you were staring at him. creepy or not, he thought you were cute; the way your finger twirled the front sections of your hair, the way your hip popped to the side as you watched over his resting frame, the way your eyes pulled into a squint as if it was the most bizzare thing to see another person in the library. the very public library.

you muttered a very embarrassed i’m sorry, before turning to walk away from the chilled area of the building. he pulled out his headphones, the sound of the 1975 becoming much more prominent, and propped himself up on his forearms. “hey, no...” he spoke, “come sit.”

scoffing, you rolled your eyes as you thought to yourself, as if you was going to let a random (but incredibly handsome) boy tell you what to do. as if you was going to actually listen and do as he said. as if- who are we kidding; your feet brought you back to the sofas, perching awkwardly on the end of the seat opposite his. he smiled, not smugly, not suggestively, not even cockily, but just a pure, genuine smile. “sorry i didn’t realise people actually like...”

“used the library?” you raised an eyebrow and he threw his head back in laughter, forearms still supporting his body which only made his t shirt strain against his chest. you recognised him from around campus, and you thought he was one of the music kids, one of the ones that did open mic nights and played guitar on the beach until 1am, but from the judgment of his toned physice, you thought maybe he played a spot of sport on the side, just for fun. not like the serious jocks who lived, breathed and worshiped football. he was definitely friends with your roommates boyfriend too, or friends with one of his friends, or- something like that, there’s a lot of people at college.

“yeah, well, no. but at this hour? why don’t you just read in bed?”

you sank back into the cushions, bringing up your legs and crossing them infront of you, looking like a little buddha wearing a vans hoodie and comfy leggings. “why don’t you just lay down in bed?”

this time, when he smiled, he smirked. “touché.”

he popped his headphone back in his ear, and the music died down again as he let his head fall back to the sofa, eyes closing shut. you wondered what had happened to bring him here, why the somewhat popular boy was cooped up in the library at this hour with clearly no intent of using the facilities. he thought the same about you. you felt awkward at first, pulling out your reading and note books, turning to the pages you had marked and setting them down around you. unbeknown to you, he cocked his head to the side slightly, eyes opening into thin slits as he watched you. he’d seen you around, even told one of your friends that he thought you were cute, but you were from different stretches of the college and really, he was nothing but the friend of a friend of a friend of a friend. he wanted to tuck the fallen piece of hair behind your ear and help you lean onto him as he noticed how you struggled to manage holding two books at once and tell you not to grind your pen in between your teeth as you thought about your work and- “can i help you?”

busted.

“sorry, i just... what you reading?” he asked, even though he could quite clearly see the front cover of the book, which read a bold title of the essentials of human anatomy and physiology. and even though you held the front cover up further, showing him more of what he could already see, you confirmed it with words.

“i got an assignment on the heart, so, yeah...” you shrugged, peeling off a post it note marker and sticking it to a relevant paragraph in the book.

“can i see?” he didn’t know why he was asking, he just knew he wanted to be closer to you. he genuinely was interested in what you were learning, and although you’d only spoken a handful of words to each other, he thought the way you spoke and tone of voice was the nicest he’d ever heard. nicer than any voices he’d heard during his classes and he studies with people who sing all day. he pushed himself up, body resting into the corner of the sofa, leaving an empty space on the pad next to him. you took that as an invitiation, not entirely sure where your sudden confidence and welcoming of strangers had come from. “what are you studying?”

“human evolutionary biology and biological science.” it rolled from off your tongue like you said it every living minute as you rested down on the sofa next to him. “you?” even though you were 95% sure you already knew, you didn’t want to let on.

his answer was much simpler, and in all honesty, he felt like a fool. “music.”

“that sounds fun.” you nodded with a smile. he reached over for your book, fingers running down the edges as he looked over the words which looked like a completely different language. your body was tense, and the closer he got, the more you could feel your heart beating, which just felt highly ironic.

“these words...” he laughed, mentally kicking himself for sounding like a dumbass who literally just knew how to strum a few chords. “chor... da? tend.. in.. ee?” you giggled innocently at his attempt, but he found it in no was patronising or belittling. in fact, he thought it was cute.

“chordae tendineae.” you confirmed, looking up and directly into his eyes for the first time. you were instantly lost in the hazel pools that looks slightly lighter when certain flashes of light fell across his skin. “heart strings, to you and i.”

you went on to explain that heart strings were in fact not just an expression that people used when they felt some sort of emotion, that you could actually physically hold a heart by their - chordae tendineae - strings and they wouldn’t break because they’re so tough. you told him it would take a lot of strength and pain to actually break one. he admired how passionate you were about the subject, reeling off facts as if you could tell them in your sleep. “sorry, i get carried away.”

your cheeks blushed a deep shade of pink and you did that hair, twirly thing you did when you felt nervous. “don’t apologise, it’s nice.” he restored your faith that not all pretty boys were assholes, and maybe it was just your poor judgment in the past that had led you to ever think that. as you stared down at your book, he stared at you, wondering if he was being overly friendly or super creepy or just a total inconvenience to your evening. you thought he was neither of those, but simply a nice addition.

“so, what brings you here at...” you looked at your watch for time reference, eyes widening as you realised you been sat boring him for the past 20 minutes... about heart strings. “11.30 on a wednesday night.”

he shrugged, leaning back and falling into the cushions, hoping a more relaxed body language would help you to relax a little more too. he could tell you were just perched on the edge of the sofa for fear of touching him. “sick of my room mate fucking his girlfriend like a porn star, dont know how he’s got it in him.” your lips formed an open ‘o’ shape, not expecting the sudden change in tone or language. “told him i was going out, he said he’ll be done by 11.30.”

“and they said chivalry is dead.” you dryly commented, only to make his eyes crinkle up as he laughed. “do you have a rota for that kinda thing or is it just a come and go as you please kinda rotation?”

“well, my rota’s severely empty.” you were shocked, and thought maybe he was just saying it because he might be a total fuck boy. you could imagine he had girls falling at his feet, and you wouldn’t blame them, because those eyes. “what about you?” you furrowed your eyebrows at him and tilted your head. “no... i mean... the why are you here part... not the sex rota part...” he pulled his cap further over his forehead, wanting to bury himself in a pit of embarrassment. if you didn’t think he was a creep before, you most probably did now, he was sure of that.

to say you were, inexperienced, would be total honesty. you’d slept with one guy and one guy only, and he was someone who thought having sex on the foot of the bed was adventurous, and you vowed never to distract yourself from your studies with boys who would waste your time. it was also just a couple of hook ups, nothing serious, in fact, you’d never even shared a bed with him overnight- and you laughed at yourself for ever being the naive girl that thought he wasn’t just using you to get laid. “there’s a party next door, they usually go on until the early hours, so whether i’m here or there, i still get no sleep.” you confirmed, and he nodded, half wishing you were going to tell him your rota was also empty. not because he wanted to pounce on you and take advantage, but because the hopeless romantic inside of him thought maybe there’d be a pathway to something special. “also, it’s 11.30, so your probably safe to head back.”

he thought maybe he was an inconvenience to your evening, that you said that because you wanted him to leave you in peace so you could crack on with what you’d set out to do. shoot your shot, shawn, he thought to himself, pulling his bottom lip inbetween his teeth and you had to force your eyes away from him because you suddenly felt all warm and bothered. “you wanna come?”

“huh?” your head snapped up, book also falling from your grip and you fumbled to stop it from landing on the floor. it was an expensive book, and you weren’t about to let some cute ass boy ruin your pages.

“not like... i mean... if you want somewhere to stay. i can take the sofa.” in the 8 months you’d been at this college, not one boy had offered you an invitation back to his dorm. mainly because you hid from any form of human contact and spent most of your time cooped up in your own room with no intention of leaving.

something in you switched, when you looked back to him to see he’d taken his cap and flipped it backwards, the peak of the hat now dipping behind the back of his neck. more light hit his features, and you felt like jelly, realising just how incredibly perfect he was. even the little scar on his cheek was kissable and you don’t know where this new confident you had appeared from this evening. you leant closer, placing your book down - carefully, of course - on the sofa, letting your hands rest on his thighs and you thought you felt him tense up, but you were probably just imagining it. “only if we can stop for hot chocolate.”

“i think we have some.”

“whipped cream?”

“is that for the hot chocolate or for me?”

although he was joking, he didn’t know if what he had said had sent a wrong message, because on the walk back to his dorm, you went back to being your quiet little self, answering questions briefly and turning the questions around onto him more often than not.

you didn’t think he had sent a wrong message, but you were well and truely helpless at flirting and maybe he wasn’t even flirting with you and you was completely overthinking it, but nevertheless, it made your stomach tighten and breaths deepen. whether it was an accident or not, your hands brushed against each other’s several times on the walk back, and it was one of those cliche, awkward moments where you both look at each other and laugh awkwardly like little kids. both of you also introduced yourself, coming to the realisation that no names had been exchanged but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t already know yours because he definitely searched for you came across you on facebook. “are you sure you’re okay? i can stay with you in the library if you prefer?” he asked, although you were both nearly at his door.

“you think i’m walking all the way back over there? nuh-uh, plus, you promised hot chocolate.” he smiled and nodded, “unless... you don’t want me, and then i totally can leave you alone.”

“no i do want you.” he spoke so quick he thought he must’ve sounded so desperate. “do want you to be here, i mean, like, if you’re cool.”

you nodded, feeling somewhat... wanted? by a cute boy? who treat you like a lady and offered you his jacket even though you had your own? who literally peeled your bag from your shoulder, just so he could carry it for you? and made you walk the side of the sidewalk furthest away from the road? and took a genuine instrest in what you said?

you’d be damned if you didn’t wake up and it was all a dream. this was by far the most college-ey thing you’d ever done; meeting a random guy in a random location and deciding to risk your life by going back to his place. maybe risking your life was a bit dramatic but we’ve all seen what happens in horror movies.

when you both reached his door, he unlocked it with the key and swung it open, holding out his arm as invitation for you to go first. of course, you thought, just be even more of a gent. inside the room, it was very similar layout to yours - you walked straight into the living/kitchen area and three doors were spread across the two back walls, one of which you guessed to be the bathroom and the other two to be bedrooms. the room was dull, the television being the only thing to illuminate the area and shawn sighed with relief when he saw his roommate and his girlfriend chilled on the sofa. “well, looks like we’re safe from the porn.” he whispered to you, throwing his keys on the table next to the door.

when his roommate’s girlfriend heard shawn speaking, she shot up and peered over the back of the sofa. her eyes flickered between you and shawn, before she poked at her boyfriends arm to get his attention. “brian...” he ignored her at first, popping another piece of popcorn in his mouth. “brian. shawn has a girl here.”

“girl can hear you. and so can shawn.” shawn said, rolling his eyes as brian also shot up, smirking as the four of you all entered a staring competition.

was it such a big thing he had a girl here? because you didn’t think it would be so much of a huge deal. have you seen him? perfect college boy with incredible muscles (from what you’d seen in your imaginatation), and here you were, stunning the members of the household into silence. “hi, uh, i’m y/n?” you almost sounded like you were questioning yourself, unsure whether you were meant to say anything or not.

the girl got up from the sofa, offering you some popcorn as a peace offering before she finally spoke to you, instead of about you. “so sorry, shawn just, never brings girls here because - ow!” shawn lightly jabbed her on the arm, taking the full bag of popcorn for himself and grabbing a handful. “it’s nice to meet you, i’m winnie. and brian...” she pointed at the boy still sat on the sofa who was too busy sending brain signals and eye expressions, about the random girl in their apartment, to shawn to notice he was being introduced. “brian was actually just talking about getting a mcdonald’s so, we can go do that and you can do... your thing.”

“nothing like that,” shawn was quick to jump in and although you weren’t necessarily here for a quick fuck or a one night stand, you felt slightly disappointed.

“oh? okay, well, let us know.” she smiled and snatched her popcorn back from shawn. “i know shawn doesn’t take long.” she laughed, clearly joking about the situation which only made shawn feel like he was dealing with bringing a girl home to his parents for the first time. before thinking about it, shawn grabbed your hand and dragged you towards one of the back rooms, presumably his bedroom.

you figured it must be when the door opened and you saw three guitars perched against the wall, an unmade bed, a laptop open on the desk and a bunch of photos on the wall of him with numerous other people. “make yourself comfortable, i’ll be back in a second.” he smiled and vanished back out of the room.

taking the time to be a bit nosy, you let’s yourself study the photos on the wall. a shorter, younger girl appeared in a fair few, along with two older adults who would appear to be his family and it made you smile at the fact he wasn’t afraid to have them on display. you felt a light twinge in your heart as you looked at a picture in which a girl was kissing his cheek, even though you had no right to feel any form of jealousy. moving on, you found the notebooks on his desk that was already opened up on a page which sent your notebook organisation through the roof. the page was full of messy scribbles, more than half of the words had been crossed out aggressively and replaced with new words. it was quiet, only the sound of quiet mutters could be heard from the other side of the door and you tried you’re best to listen in to what they were saying.

dude, she’s hot

you’ve never made any other chick hot chocolate

go back in that room and get some

at least try

you tried to look like you weren’t eavesdropping when he came back into the room, holding two mugs of hot chocolate, and just as you’d requested, with whipped cream. shawn thanked brian and winnie and their weird ass sex kinks for that. “thank you.” you smiled, taking it from him and wrapping your small hands around the mug to be met with warmth.

“i’m, uh, sorry about them..” he said, setting his own drink down on the bedside table.

“don’t be. they seem nice.”

“so, if you wanna go to sleep i can leave you be and like i said, i can take the couch and you can have the bed.”

“we could both have the bed?” you’d said, before even having time to think about letting the words fall from your mouth. his eyes almost looked like they’d lit up and you blew into your hot chocolate just so you had something to do instead of awkwardly staring back at him. “if you want, i mean, i can go home, i’m sure the party will die down soon.”

“stop doing that.” he rolled his eyes, leaning back against his headboard as you sat cross legged at the edge of his bed, surrounded by the navy duvet.

“doing what?”

“doubting yourself.”

“well i’m good at it.” he laughed at you, reaching his hands out and taking your hot chocolate mug from your grasp.

“i wanna know more about that heart shit.” he admitted, missing how you passionately spoke about something you were so interested in.

“heart shit... you mean the thing that keeps you alive? maybe tomorrow, i’m all organed out.” he looked a little disappointed and you thought maybe he was thinking you’re suggesting you don’t wanna stay up with him. he was wrong. “although, modern family is back on netflix now and that is something i will never turn down.”

he grabbed his laptop from his desk, setting it next to you at the edge of the bed. you adjusted yourself, moving more to the middle of the mattress, therefore, slightly closer to shawn. you could smell his cologne, just like you could when you sat close to him in the library.

smiling at how you twirled your hair, bit your lip when you concentrated on what people were saying, covered your mouth with the sleeve of your sweater when you started to yawn, he thought; it was weird, how he just had this feeling that he wanted to spend countless nights with you, learning about whatever organ you needed to. and you thought too; how you felt more comfortable around him than any other person you’d met at college thus far.

still sat upright, cross legged in the middle of his bed, your back started to ache and legs started to feel numb as the second episode started. you stretched out as much as you could before looking behind you and eyeing up the empty space next to shawn. “i was wondering how long before you couldn’t sit like a buddha anymore.” he laughed, speaking over the familiar theme tune coming from the laptop. “please get comfy, you look in pain.”

“i am not in pain, i am simply just... respecting personal space.” in all honesty, you couldn’t remember the last time you cuddled up to a boy. the last guy used to literally leave as soon as he’d done what he needed to do, leaving you empty and alone every night. “and you might not want me, all up in your space.”

“oh my god, just stop!” he laughed, despite his demanding tone.

“stop what?!”

“doubting yourself... again!”

you huffed, uncrossing your legs and crawling up to where shawn was sat. he smirked as you got closer, settling down next to him, your back also against the headboard. your legs were outstretched, finally free from their crossed positioning, and your hands fell to your lap. another ten minutes of the episode went by when you get yourself getting tireder, head leaning to one side a little more.

shawn noticed how your body was a little more relaxed, less rigid than when you first joined him at the head of the bed. risking his move, he stretched his arm behind you, draping it over your shoulder which caused any relaxed part of your body to stiffen back up. “don’t be nervous, you can come closer.”

you looked up to him, shooting him a warm smile. it didn’t take long for your body to relax again, and it actually felt nice how natural it felt to be curled into his body. his fingers traced patterns on your shoulder as your head moved in time with his chest, a loud yawn escaping your mouth. “tired?”

“mhmm,” you answered, evidently too tired to even speak an official word.

“we could... take a nap together?” he stuttered.

“a nap? shawn it’s like 12.30am, we need a full ass sleep.” you giggled, leaning up off him to pull your sweater over your head.

“then a full ass sleep we shall have.” he sorted the set up out, turning off the laptop and placing it back on the desk. he took out a t shirt and shorts from his drawers, putting them on the edge of the bed before retrieving and additional pair of shorts. he told you he was going to change in the bathroom, and to put his clothes on, only if you wanted, before disappearing out. you took advantage of the empty room, immediately peeling off your own clothes and replacing them with his. they smelt like him, like citrus and cassis and as you climbed back into the bed, where you were previously sat, a light tap on the door sounded.

“yup,” you said, popping the last letter as he shot his head around the door, smiling when he saw you’d taken up his offer of borrowing his clothes. he says borrow, but he’d be more than happy for you to keep them, because you looked a hell of a lot better in them than he did.

he’d lost his t shirt, not that you were going to complain - and yes, he did have muscles exactly how you’d imagined him to - and the sweat shorts he’d changed into hung low from his hips and you’re pretty sure you’ve never seen a sight like it. shawn wasn’t the type of boy to feel embarrassed or nervous; hell, he’d managed to shit talk his way into getting you to come back to his dorm, just in a bid to keep hold of your company because he’s never felt a feeling like it. shawn’s clothes were the first you’d ever borrowed from a guy, never having the experience of the morning after or spending a long night with someone you really like, staying up all night and talking about nothing in particular. it was also a first that you’d let yourself be conned into coming back to a guys dorm.

“you sure you don’t want me to take the sofa?” he asked as he stood at the side of his bed, unintentionally towering over you, almost making you feel as big as ladybug.

“stop doing that.” you raised your eyebrows, pushing back the duvet so there was an empty space next to you.

his face showed pure confusion, having no idea what he’d done. “doing what?”

“doubting yourself.” you mocked his voice the best you could, dropping a few pitches and moving your head theatrically.

he rolled his eyes, plopping down into the empty space next to you, and although his clothes smelt like him on your body, he could still smell the orchid and vanilla scent that covered your skin. “i don’t sound like that.”

rolling onto his side, he turned to face you, slightly closer for comfort than he would normally like to be, but with you, he didn’t think he was close enough. you were on your back, eyes tracing the outline of the shadows on the ceiling that crept through from the blinds. “you kinda do.”

“oh... as opposed to, the deoxygenated blood travels into the left ventricle-” he’d put on his best higher pitched voice.

“right atrium.”

“-and opens those little valvey things-”

“just valves is fine.” you rolled onto your side to face him, but he was too busy mocking you to notice.

“-which make your heart do the ba-dum thing that i’ve been able to feel in my fucking throat all night-”

“you mean the heartbeat?”

“-all because you’ve been pulling on my chordane tendineae because you’re just too fucking amazing.” you swolled hard, and suddenly it was you who could feel the ba-dum thing in your throat. he was just looking at you, now aware you were face to face with him, only inches apart in his queen sized bed. he had just tried to twist your words in a confession of admiration, but couldn’t help but think he’d just sounded dumb instead. “no smart ass comment?”

normally you’d be offended at someone calling your comments smart ass, because they were in fact just the truth, but you knew shawn was messing, although, maybe not about the heartbeat part. you’d found yourself being drawn in, faces getting closer together with each breath, so much so you almost didn’t notice how his hand was stroking over the skin of your hip. he was searching your face for an invitation, he wanted to kiss you so bad, but at the same time, didn’t want to scare you off. the air was thick, and you were sure you could hear your heartbeat, but shawn was convinced it was his. his breath fanned against your lips, creating a cool minty sensation, and as your eyashes fluttered, your eyes looked straight into his. “kiss me.”

shawn taglist: @imaginashawnns @fallinallincurls @mendesficsxbombay @fallinfortom

#shawn mendes #shawn mendes fic #shawn mendes one shot #shawn mendes blurb #shawn mendes imagine #shawn mendes smut

[ms-rampage]

Eden’s Gate: The Mother Chapter 13 - Are There God? It’s Me A Winchester

Warnings: Witchcraft?? Some Angst

Word count: 1.9k

Where it all began. 

Summary: Mandy and Dawana cast the spell to shield her from Chuck and work against the Project to take them down. 

Guest OCs: Dawn Floyd (FC: Anna Diop), Camille Floyd (FC: Tati Gabrielle)

Guest Characters: Raphael [Supernatural; female vessel]

Note: Sorry for the delay on the chapters, I'm working on other writing projects and dealing with work and class.

_______

“I wish to know about your past” Joseph tells Mandy, standing in the middle of his church. Cupping her cheeks, looking down at her. 

She takes a deep breath, looking up at him. “I-I’ve. I’ve killed people” she starts off, trying to keep herself from crying. “I’ve killed people. Innocent people. I wish to forget about it. Forget about it all, like it never happened”. 

He runs one of his hands through her hair, showing her comfort. While his other hand cups her cheek. 

“I’ve done bad things to people, I lost my girls because of it” she mutters, looking away from him. She’s not even acting anymore, this shit is all fucking legit, she’s hurting her own feelings just by telling him all of this. 

Reliving the painful memories she had to go through. Whether it was from 13 years ago, 20 years ago, or 7 and a half months ago, she’s feeling and hearing everything single word, and it still hurts her. No matter how strong she tries to be. 

Knowing she has to wait all of this out until the New Moon. She must be patient. Remembering that Raphael left something for her under her pillow, she goes to the room, her and Joseph share, and checks underneath her pillow. 

She finds her deceased husband’s journal. She smiles at it, unwraps the string that keeps it closed and opens it. Reading through it, Joel’s handwriting was always easy to read, it was neat, clean and he also had a very steady hand. Other than the monsters he hunted, he wrote about his life. 

His kids Paige and Katella, Mandy, his younger brother Brent, his childhood and upbringing. Trying to hold back her tears, a part of her wishes she could have her husband back. She knows he watches over her, and their daughters. 

1 month later. 

The New Moon is here, only 12 hours to go until 3 am. With the help of Dawana and her 14 year old daughter Camille. Mandy has everything for the spell. 

She had to keep a low profile from the Voodoo Priestess until the New Moon. Giving her instructions on where to meet her and the correct time to, and angle of the moon. That sort of stuff. 

The spell must be done as it should be, no screws up, can’t waste any time with this spell. Every second counts. They have their location ready, and all the supplies they need. 

Standing next to Joseph for his Sunday sermon, the church filled with his loyal followers. His Children, what he calls them. 

Listening to every word he says, thinking about the utter betrayal she is about to bring to the Project. Turning her back on them, stabbing them in back. 

Helping out the Resistance and the Whitetail Militia. 

With only 10 hours left, she keeps her low profile by being with Joseph for the rest of the day. 

Raphael appeared to her a few times that day to check up on her. Knowing that he’s risking a lot for his human, and a chance that’ll be cast out of Heaven for his disloyalty. Withdrawn from his wings and grace. Being deprived of his angelic powers, and living as a human on Earth. 

Being on the same boat as his older brother Lucifer. 

“You know I’m taking a huge unforgivable risk for you” he tells Mandy. Standing next to her while Joseph does his sermon in the filled church with his brothers and sister behind him.  

“I know” she responds to him in her mind. Looking over at the 3rd Archangel for a split second before turning back to The Father. 

“There’s a risk of me being cast out of Heaven for this disloyalty” he tells her, “God is too busy creating multiple universes and worlds to see this betrayal you, Dawana and myself are planning”. 

She knows all the risks, all God has to do is check on her situation, and see what she’s plotting. Then the next thing she knows there’s a huge mushroom cloud in the sky, and bombs are going off. Killing and wiping out all life on Earth. 

“I know, but a part of me feels like we’ll pull this off” she tells him in her mind, “We’ll get away with this, so called heist”. 

He looks at her with slight fear in his eyes, Archangels are Heaven’s most powerful weapon, they’re loyal soldiers to God. They’re his eldest children. Slightly more powerful than the average Angels, like Castiel, Balthazar, Samandriel, Anael and Gadreel. 

Raphael was always the introverted one of the Archangels, he kept to himself. He did his duties as one of Chuck’s strongest and powerful warriors. He always tried to be one of the loyal ones, like his older brother Michael. He wanted to be on his Father’s good side, the one thing he feared and that includes all Angels. Arch nor not, the one thing they all feared was being cast out of Heaven. Losing their wings and their grace. 

Leaving Heaven for a short time, like visiting Earth, and leaving Heaven completely are two different things. 

Within milliseconds he could go from being Heaven’s most powerful weapon to being an average weak human. Just by taking away his powers and wings. 

*****

After Joseph’s sermon, him and Mandy have a private conversation away from the others. 

“Amanda, I wish to speak with you privately” he tells her. She nods her head, and they go to their shared home. 

Inside the kitchen, he tells her about The Voice, in which she knows that it's Chuck talking to him.

“The Voice, God, he’s telling me about the New World. How everything will be. How you and I will be. He told me that the world is on the brink. That the world is on fire. Something is coming. I can feel it, you can feel it, can’t you?”. 

She nods, “Yes, I feel it. I feel the overwhelming tension it brings. Almost like an explosion of hot, burning air. That is toxic, but will make the world clean and free of sin”. 

He nods his head, agreeing with every word she says, “That is how it ends, with time, we will march to the Gates of Eden to our New World. The world God created for us”. 

Seeing how convinced and determined he is about the New World. Seeing how Chuck has convinced him about the Collapse. The End. The Reckoning. 

Telling him to save as many souls as he can for the Collapse, building bunkers to keep his people safe from the cleansing explosions. Being a modern day Noah, or Hell if you want to hear something that is older than Noah and the Ark. 

The Epic of Gilgamesh in Mesopotamian mythology, and history. Which is also 800-2,000 years older than the story of Noah and the Ark, where the story is basically the exact same thing, just different time periods, while one is based on facts with evidence, and the other is a fictional story from a book of stories. 

*****

With only 5 in half hours until 3am. Mandy gets another visit from Raphael in her home with Joseph. 

“Less than 6 hours Mandeline” he reminds her. She sighs, “I know. I’m just waiting it out”. 

“You know where to go?” he asks. She nods, “Yes, I know where to go. The land that is in the southern part of the Henbane River. It’s isolated from everything”. 

“Prosperity” he tells her, “It’s quiet and no one ever goes there”. 

She nods, “Does Dawana know where it is?”. 

“Yes, she knows where to go” he tells her, “She knows what time to get there. Just before the New Moon passes”. 

Mandy waits it out until 3am. It’s gonna be a long wait, most of the Cult, including Joseph didn’t sleep that night, he was busy working and writing sermons in the church. 

At around 1am, she told Joseph she was gonna go to sleep. An hour and 30 minutes later, Raphael visits her again. Teleporting the both of them to the south end part of the Henbane River. 

Prosperity, a ghost town that was abandoned by its owner so that he could take over his dead rival’s town Falls End in Holland Valley all out of spite. 

20 minutes until 3am, Dawana arrives with her daughter Camille who is a Voodoo Priestess in training. 

“We still have time to set up” Dawana tells Mandy, “This is my daughter Camille”. 

Mandy smiles at her, she’s probably the same age as her eldest daughter Paige. 

They set up their altar, making a circle of candles and lighting all of them. 

“Okay so we all take each other's hands and we say the verse together, in sync or else the spell won’t work” Dawana informs Mandy and her daughter.  

They all join hands, and wait for the New Moon to appear. Raphael stands away from them, watching them from 10 feet away. Hoping this will turn out the way Mandy said it would. As soon as the New Moon appears, as a white ring like shape in the sky, they all, at the same time, cite the verse in Enochian. Looking up at the New Moon. 

“Uranun Caripe Baglen Olgemeganza de-Noan Chiis Gosaa Zamicmage Oleol Ag-Sapah arphe, Oresa ethamz taa”. 

The wind starts to pick up, the candles stay in tack, not blowing out or in the direction of the wind. Still looking up at the moon. 

“Tabegisoroch, Zodinu, Ar zurah paremu. Zodimibe papnorge maninua zonac. Dodsih hoxmarch trian amonons pare Das Niis kures”. 

They finished the ritual, the night standing in complete silence for a brief moment. Standing inside the circle of candles, they ring of the New Moon shining down on them, making a perfect circle of moon light around their circle of lit candles.

“Is that it?” Mandy whispers, breaking the silence. Right after she asks that, a loud rumble is heard off in the distance, sounding like thunder, or the Horn of Gabriel. A lightning strike lights up the sky for a brief moment. 

“It worked” Camille whispers. Out of seemingly nowhere, a strong wind flies by, blowing out all the candles, leaving them in complete darkness.

“Raphael did it work?” Mandy asks the Archangel. 

“Yes, you are invisible to God now” he replies, answering her question.

He takes her back to Joseph's compound, before anyone could notice she was gone. 

Before he leaves, he tells her, “I’ll be sure to keep an eye on you from Heaven. Now that you’re invisible from God, you can work against the Project. Also Chuck won’t be able to see you. He’ll see another you”. 

She nods, “Yeah I believe you told me that already. He’ll see me doing my duties as The Mother”. 

The silence between the two, the sound of peggies talking outside on the compound property. 

“Get some rest, and do your bidding against the Project” he tells her, “I’ll check back on you within the next couple of days”. 

The sound of his wings fluttering, making a small breeze within the house, and he disappears. Leaving Mandy in the small kitchen of her home. 

#far cry 5 #joseph seed #mandy winchester #fc5 #john seed #faith seed #jacob seed #my ocs #my writings #my series #eden's gate series #eden's gate: the mother #archangel raphael #supernatural raphael #my crossovers #my crossover shit #far cry 5 x supernatural #the father joseph seed #the mother mandy winchester #joseph seed x oc #joseph seed x mandy winchester #my oc stuff #my oc shit #far cry 5 ocs #my far cry 5 ocs

[cha-lyn]

interrupted affection

Chapter 8

Bucky Barnes x pocReader  

Warnings: actual smut (finally lol), cussin’, angst

Words: 1554

Summary: Y/N is Wakandan, just returning from a mission as a War Dog. Set a little while after Bucky wakes up from cryo-sleep.

A/N: This is the last chapter. Thank you for reading!!! Reblog/comment/like to show ya love.  

- - - - - - - - - - - 

Wedding planning was going almost perfectly. You had picked out your dress mere days after Bucky proposed. It was about three months after he had been promoted to White Wolf, when he had taken you on a sunset walk to the lake where you shared your first kiss. Bucky was acting nervous, wringing his hands. You figured he was just about to tell you he was going on another week long mission. Instead, he lead you to that shared rock and held you while you watched the sun set. As the stars and the moon made the night bright, Bucky told you how much he loved and got on one knee. Of course you said--screamed-- yes and tackled him to the ground. After 5 minutes of kissing him, 20 of staring at the ring and another 15 kissing him, he was finally able to drag you back up to the palace where your family, Sam Wilson and Natasha Romanova were waiting to congratulate you both.

Champagne was opened and glasses were clinked as people hugged you and chatted. You didn’t miss Sam pulling Bucky into a hug, saying, “Steve. He wanted to make it, but ya know-”

Bucky tensed ever so briefly, shaking his head. “Stop. If he wanted to be here he would.” Sam frowned, not about to argue with the audience. 

The festivities died down around 1am and you and Bucky retreated to your apartment. Bucky took a shower while you stood on the balcony to get some fresh air and watch your ring sparkle in the moonlight. The honking of horns and the laughs of the villagers below making you smile softly and you miss the whoosh of the door opening. Your smile grows as two strong arms wrap around you from behind. Bucky sighs into you and pulls you tighter. You turned around and take him in. His long hair wet and clinging to his face. 

“I love you, doll.”  You grin as he pulls you back inside. 

“I love you, Bucky.”

Bucky pulls your shirt over your head, sending it across the room. Your lips find each others, unrestrained. Bucky find the zipper to your skirt and you help him get rid of his pants. You push him towards your bed, watching him fall onto it and his eyes wash over your body. You moved to get on top of him and ran your hands up his broad chest. He sighed as his eyes fluttered. You kissed his chest and his arms wrapped around you again, hands finding your ass, squeezing enough to get a moan out of you. You moved up to find his mouth. He took the opportunity to flip you on your back. You gazed at him again. 

“Bra off.” Your heart jumped and you obeyed. Bucky hissed, “Damn baby.” His voice sent a shiver through you. He leaned back down to kiss you and caress your breast with his metal hand. The sudden coolness of his touch made you arch into him with a whimper as you tangled your hands in his hair. He moves his hand down to pull off your underwear. His fingers found your clit and started rubbing slowly, torturously. 

“Do not tease me, White Wolf.” You bit his lip and he growled into your mouth. Your hands found his boxers and pushed them down. You knew what you wanted. You found him, hard and ready. He pushed two metal fingers into you, making your eyes roll. You gripped him more firmly, stoking him and running your thumb around his head. He pulled his fingers out and spread your wetness around. You lined him up, “Bucky please.”

He pushed into you, while he kissed you slowly. You moaned when he reached his limit, stretching you like nothing you’d ever experienced. He broke the kiss to nuzzle and kiss into your neck as he started to fuck you, slowly at first. You were a moaning mess underneath him. Bucky sped up his thrusting and moved a metal finger back to your clit, rubbing as you reached your high. You came hard around him, legs locked around his waist and hand pulling at his hair as he moaned with you. Bucky pulled out quickly, coming on your stomach.

“I’m sorry, doll. I didn’t wanna—” you stopped his apology with your lips. 

“Don’t be.” His hair hung down and tickled your face and you giggled. He got up, disappearing into the bathroom and reappearing seconds later with a washcloth. He cleaned you up and you threw on a t-shirt. “I need a nap. You wore me out.”

Bucky laughed, nuzzling his face into your neck. “Let’s go to bed then, doll.” 

“I can’t wait to marry you, Bucky,” you tuck his hair behind his ear. “With all our family and friends with us, celebrating.” Bucky grinned until you said family. “What’s wrong, Buck?”

“Nothing, doll.” He shook his head. Unconvincingly. He got up to pull the covers back and get into bed. You followed. 

“Steve.” He hadn’t spoken to, much less mentioned Steve since telling T’Challa that he’d left. “Shit. I’m sorry. We can call him. I’m sure he misses you.” Bucky gave you a sad smile. 

“Let’s just go to bed. Fuck him. He’s made no effort to amend things. I don’t want him ruining this day or our wedding.”

You sighed. Bucky fell asleep quickly, buy you lay awake. You had to figure out a way to fix the Steve problem. 

- - -

“Shuri! We have a problem.”

The princess’s brows furrowed. “Is it the flower vendor? Did he up the price again?” She stomped over to her computer.

“No! No Shuri, this isn’t about the wedding.” Shuri relaxed. “Well actually it is. Kind of.” Her eyes narrowed. “We need to go to America.”

“Why would we go there?” “Captain America, that’s why. It is supposed to be the happiest day of both of our lives and it won’t be for Bucky unless Steve is there.”

Shuri nodded. “Okay. What's the plan?”

You grinned as you hopped up on the nearest table.- 

- - -

“Are you sure this is okay?” Bucky scratched his head nervously. 

“Yes, White Wolf,” Shuri repeated for the fifth time. “You have diplomatic immunity now. They can’t touch you.”

He nodded. You put your hand on his leg and squeezed. “So, Princess. What are we doing at the Outreach Center?” 

“I’m giving a lecture. You are here as security and Y/N are here to assess the center’s needs and strengths as they pertain to the community.” You nodded at the bullshit answer. The plan was in motion. 

You were greeted by the Center’s supervisor. “It is a pleasure to have you here, Princesses. White Wolf.” She eyed Bucky tentatively. “Right this way to the conference room where we have you set up.” Shuri followed the supervisor, tailed by you and Bucky.

You watched Bucky, in security mode. His eyes searching for threats, escape routes, memorizing the details. You’d made the necessary arrangements and everything was going flawlessly thus far. The four of you got to the conference room. 

“Here it is, I’ll let you all get to it. My office is down the hall if you need me.” She nodded and turned down the hall. 

Shuri turned to you, “I need to ask her something. I’ll be right in.” Bucky moved to go with her. “No, you two go in. It’ll just take a second.” 

Bucky glanced between the two of you, cocking his head, but he went in.  You followed him. 

His entire body tensed when he saw what--who-- was waiting for him. You closed the door. “Steve. Bucky. It’s time for two to make up.” Bucky turned to you, annoyed, as you crossed your arms and blocked the door. Yes, either of them could move you with their pinky toe, but you were hoping it wouldn’t come to that. 

“Doll. Seriously?” Your betrothed clenched his fists. You shrugged, pointing with your eyes at Steve, who had yet to move his eyes off his own hands. He sighed.

“You two are so damn stubborn. Man up. Talk about your feelings and move forward.” Silence. 

For a good ten minutes. 

Finally, “I’m sorry Buck.” Steve looked up at him. “I crossed a line. I was afraid of losing you.” Then he looked at you. “I’m sorry Princess Y/N. I was jealous and that’s on me. I hope you’ll both forgive me.”

You smiled. “I forgive you, Steve.” You stared hard at Bucky. 

“Buck. I-” Bucky held his hand up and Steve stopped talking.  “Why didn’t you come back? If you felt so bad, why didn’t you do something about it?”

Steve shrugged, shaking his head. “Pride I guess. I regret it Buck. I do.” He smiled then. “I’m glad you have someone who isn’t as dumb as me though. She gets things done.” You smiled. 

Bucky nodded. “Yeah. She’s great like that.” 

Another period of silence that felt like an eternity. “I forgive you, man. I want you there, by my side.” You beamed. Steve got up, extended his hand. Bucky smacked his hand out of the way, Steve looked past him at you, caught off guard. Bucky laughed and pulled him into a massive hug.  Bucky turned around to grab you and added you to the hug. “C’mere, doll. This is all your doing.”

“Indeed it is. Now we can get married.” You beamed as the last bit of wedding planning was taken care of. Now for the fun part: the rest of your lives. 

#Bucky Barnes #bucky x reader #bucky barns fanfiction #bucky x y/n #bucky x poc!reader #bucky x reader smut #MCU fanfiction #b.b. #White Wolf #white wolf x reader #bucky in wakanda #avengers smut #avengers fanfiction #bucky barnes x reader smut

[oscarryanchronicles]

I dont know what im doing

i mean that in every way. i dont know what im doing making this tumblr account at 1am in the morning. i dont dont what im doing with me life in general. i dont know why im typing all this shit on here like someones gonna see it and come give my life some fucking direction. ive been told that writing down your feelings can help your mental state but thats kinda hard when you dont really feel anything. what do i feel. i feel useless. i feel like no one really cares much about me. i feel like nothing i do is going to give my life any meaning. and i know that makes me seem depressing as fuck but for real whats the point of being alive. if i had motivation i could work hard and get myself the life that i really want of travelling, going on adventures, spending my existence enjoying it. if i was born into money that lifestyle would be easily obtainable and im sure id have other problems its not like having money is the only factor in determining happiness and fulfillment but it sure would make the process of finding meaning easier. and i cant even complain about my life that much. i wasnt physically abused my parents provided for me everything that i needed. my dad was a dick and apparently some of this shit he used to do would class as abuse but idk to me it didnt seem that bad. i just wish i could go back and change so much about my past but i cant and i dont even know if that would fix any of my problems. i wish i didnt move out of home when i was 17 with no plans to a city 5 hours from any of my family. i didnt even tell my parents i was leaving because at that point i didnt have a good relationship with them. my relationship with them has gotten a lot better but i wish it didnt take leaving and not talking to them for months for them to start caring. im 20 now i hate that i still let the past affect me that was 3 years ago and i cant go back in time to change shit so just move the fuck on and get over it. in those 3 years ive dropped out of 2 uni degrees. the first one i stuck with for a year and the second i dropped out in less than a month. impressive right. i have no idea what i want to do with my life. actually i think the problem is that i want to do too much but dont have the discipline to stick with anything long enough to achieve anything towards what i want. i sometimes think i have adhd because i cant concentrate on anything apart from the occasional thing i get hyperfixated on and spent all my time on for a few days until i get bored of that as well and ditch it never to touch it again. i have 3 instruments, a kayak, a sewing machine, embroidery shit, heaps of other shit just lying around because i impulsively thought yes im gonna commit to this and then never did. the only times i ever really feel happy are at like 5:30am at sunrise and the world is quiet and the sky looks nice and its just me chilling and i forget about my responsibilities for an hour or so until the sun comes up and eveything goes back to normal. the worst part about that tho is that i usually cant even force myself to get up and be happy for that hour or so. If i dont have to be up for anything ill sleep for 18 hrs a day which is annoying cause ill try to do something but ill just be so tired for no reason. like bro i just woke up 30 minutes ago and i slept 18 hrs yesterday how am i tired. one of my frineds thinks im depressed which i probably am but i haent gone to the doctor in a long time. part of me wants to just take all the drugs to try to feel happy but another part of me is like nah better not while just being a miserable fuck. i dont like being miserable so i should do something about it. but then the lack of motivation and discipline come into play again. i dont know why im typing this and no ones even gonna read it and ill probably forget about this account and post and everything by tomorrow anyway

[shesawriter39049]

“PRIVATE SESSIONS” BTS OT7 (M) MULTI MEMBER ONE SHOT SERIES

“PRIVATE SESSIONS” BTS OT7 (M) MULTI MEMBER ONE SHOT SERIES

INTRODUCTION- “BANGTAN X Y/N”

- (There is still a lil smut in this as well as smut and kinks are discussed, But this is also the backstory because the other installments just jump right into it.. )

Part 1..AKA the first “Private Session”  will pick up where this ends with Y/N X “___” see if you can guess which member it is by end of this. It’s 4k all of the instalments will be around 3K..pretty much straight to the point..smut with a a mini backstory/scenario...each member will get there own….

P.S - I wrote this intro a month or ago and forgot about it..if you guys want part 1 that will come early Feb!

INTRO -BANGTAN X Y/N -1/16/19

PART 1- UP 

“Oh my god…yes..” Your cry wasn’t even audible as you pressed your face into the glass, nails clawing at his clothed thighs, surprised you actually didn’t rip a hole straight through ..as pure pleasure rang through your ears feeling yourself drip down your thighs. The firm grip he held around your neck, almost knocking the wind out of you as he rolled his hips into you.. deeper..teeth grazing the skin beneath your neck “Louder..” The command coming out in the form of a growl coursed through your veins as his opposite hand connected to your clit almost making your knees buckle. You were already so swollen and beyond sensitive as the wind nipped against your skin..blowing your hair away from your neck..cooling over the heat that was streaming down your body..”I said..LOUDER..let everybody hear you..let everyone know how good I’m fucking you, and how wet, your pussy gets for me..fuck baby your so wet..”

 Let’s rewind a little shall we?

 If someone would’ve told you 6 months ago you’d be on a balcony in Tokyo… at 1am with “____”’s hand around your throat..while your face was pressed against a glass window,a good oh I don’t know…20 stories up….you’d think they were high as fuck. I mean for good reason, don’t get me wrong…you were attractive..clearly..that’s why the boys ended up with your number. But you weren’t an idol…some famous youtuber ..or an IG model..you were just Y/N a 24 year old Real estate agent from Chicago.That somehow fell down the black hole that is BTS..you told yourself you were too old to be a fangirl again…but clearly that didn’t last long. You won a contest through IHEARTRADIO to attend a private showcase with the boys. There was barley 100 fans there..an opportunity to attend a show THAT intimate with a band of this caliber was almost unheard of. There was also a separate drawing for 10 fans to get a 10 minute meet and greet, to talk and take pictures…well you went last and your meet and greet actually lasted almost a half hour. The boys clicked with you instantly. The main thing they loved was the fact that you able to just dick around with them like they were normal guys. On top of the fact that even though they didn’t admit it initially..they found you so inticising.The perfect combination of all the things they weren’t use to in the bubble they lived in and that sealed the deal! By the end of the meet and greet Namjoon had your number..not holding your breath he’d even ever use it…well little did you know that would open the door to a million possibilities. All thanks to a group chat that was created and used regularly “Bangtan X Y/N” the conversations were not typically long and sometimes they made no damn sense..sending random memes back and forth..Tae sending pics of clothes he wanted to buy…Kookie sending you weird ass shit he finds in tourist shops.. Hell sometimes you’d even ask them advice on guys or what to wear on a date. At times you may only talk once a week..and it may take each member more time than others to respond but they always did and you guys actually created a genuine friendship…Believe it or not…the conversations also NEVER turned sexual up until this point.

 You slowly but surely earned their trust, after talking to you for a while they realized you weren’t looking for anything from them. You never pried for personal information…asked for free tickets..sneak peeks of music, the rare occasions you’d meet them, they’d offer to pay and you’d be ready to damn near cut their balls off. You let them decided what they did or didn’t wanna share, weather that be what they ate for lunch, or how completely exhausted and stressed they were, the ball was always in there court.  More importantly you didn’t walk on eggshells with them nor did you ever hold your tongue because of who they were and they loved that. It just felt honest…due to their busy schedule and you just having your own damn life, within this 6 month period..you’d only seen them 2 times.The meet and greet in the summer..and about 2 months after that when they went to New York…the boys have been begging you to come back out but you just couldn’t find the time. This has probably been your busiest, but most successful year as an agent but due to you just getting to the point where you were making steady money and had some cushion in the bank..you didn’t have a assistant yet so you were doing it all yourself.

Financially it would kind of be a waste of money to travel overseas unless you could stay at least 2 weeks! Your pride wouldn’t let them cover your flight…lord knows they offered…instead you just settled for them smothering you in all the wine and sushi your heart desired. Finally deciding in January, you’d go see your Bangtan boys.. now here you are almost 4 months later in Tokyo..

The boys were about to start the last leg of the tour in about 10 days…just wanting a break..they rented out a pretty nice penthouse suite at the Ritz Carlton Tokyo for a couple days. Setting up a studio space so they could throw around some ideas for there new project..in a more laxed atmosphere. To be honest you were kind of playing the whole thing by ear, you had a couple friends that lived abroad. As far as the boys were concerned, besides just hanging out in their suite, they wanted you to at least attended one show before you left! They were also determined to find a way to get you backstage at a couple events they had coming up without Bighit busting a nut..but you weren’t holding your breath on that one. Honestly you weren’t too concerned though, you had other things to do outside of seeing the boys anyway. Already going into this with the understanding that for one they’re still pretty busy, so whatever time you got you wouldn’t complain..and two this wasn’t LA things had to be done hella low key over here. Which is why you were treating this as moreso a vacation which you desperately needed and they were just a bonus. Your plan was to stay at your hotel for 3 days..then crash with friends….you actually only bought your ticket to Tokyo…not really sure where you’d end up by the end of it! Perks to being an agent is you were your own boss, you made your own schedule. Actually just closing a deal before leaving so once that check cleared that covered next months bills.So in all honesty you weren’t sure when you’d be back in the states. I mean shit, you’ve been busting your ass for the past 2 years trying to get to this point you deserve a break too!

It was about 8 at night, you landed a couple hours prior but jetlag knocked you flat on your ass, you were staying in the same hotel just about 8 floors down.Your body was slowly starting to stir naturally, but the extra push came from the fact that you fell asleep with your headphones in ..and Taehyung was calling you.The sudden blast against your ear drums almost making you roll off the bed completely before you realized what was happening. Clicking the answer button not even waiting for you to say hello “We literally ordered you every piece of sushi on the menu, you should probably get your ass up here before Kookie eats it all, I can only hold him off for so long!” The base… in this man’s voice, holyshit…it was rare you guys talked on the phone, due to you being on completely opposite time schedules the majority of the time. To be honest..hearing him..remembering he was so close almost made you nervous. Which threw you off initially, because in all honesty by now you typically felt very comfortable when you talked to them. But, again let’s get real..this was still BTS regardless of how down to earth they are…that still doesn’t change the aura they have! I think because you guys were always texting from so far away it almost made you feel like this was all a fantasy..I mean it’s been months… now they were literally upstairs waiting for you.

 You couldn’t help but let out a snort as you rubbed your eyes,vision still foggy “Such a baby ..” your tone slightly groggy due to just waking up “Aww,I told you she was probably sleeping good job Tae!” You knew that was Jimin, his voice was a little softer..he just always sounds so…I don’t know..relaxed? You couldn’t help but smile always such a sweetheart! But before you could even say anything...“Well I mean in his defense it’s like 8 at night…sooo…” You also knew that sarcastic growl anywhere “Fuck you Yoongi…” the clap back came instant with zero hesitation or thought behind it. The two of you had a very love hate relationship. Of course it was playful but you two gave each other shit 24/7. You heard them all erupt in laughter almost in unison..and the smile on your face stretched even wider. “Okay but forreal, my tolerance for food is non existent..and this foods already been here about 5 minutes you got another 60 seconds before I start eating without you!” There he was..the world’s favorite brat..-”Ignore him babe, he’s not touching a damn thing until you get up here..” It was slightly muffled..I think he was kinda far away but you already knew who it was..too…Hoseok and Namjoon were the only ones who called you by a pet name, had since they met you.  You felt your face get hot, almost forgetting how good that sounds in person “Thank you Hobi..alright give me like 5 minutes..someone text me the room number..hey wait..where’s Jonnie and Jin!?” It almost felt like you could feel his laugh the rumble…sat so low…you already knew he was probably sitting there looking boyfriend as fuck with those deep ass dimples “I’m here princes..Jin’s asleep..he’s not feeling so good. I’ll text you the room number..take your time..” - “Don’t listen to him..I’m hungry!”- “Oh my god Kookie shut up! She just said she’s coming! Your not gonna die!” It was clear Namjoon was about done with Jungkook for the night, his tone was as dry as can be  “You don’t know that..then YOU’D have to explain to ARMY what happened” You couldn’t help but scoff at how dramatic this boy was..but also you were damn near in tears from listening to them bicker back in fourth. “God forbid you die of starvation..alright Kookie, I’ll be there in a minute..bye guys!”

 Sitting on the edge of the bed trying to contemplate what to do…not wanting to overdo it because they knew you just woke up but I mean come on…you couldn’t look like you just woke up either! Throwing on a pair of high waisted leggings, they were comfy and you know they made your ass look good, and a loose black cropped cut up band tee. Running some tinted brow gel though your brows, a orangey bronzer on your cheeks for blush, and some gloss,being oh so thankful for lash extensions. You looked wayyy more put together than you really were.. putting your hair in high ponytail, pulling out a couple pieces around your face. A couple spritz of perfume and you were out the door, taking in a couple slow breaths before knocking on there door. Shaking off any nerves that were suddenly moving up your throat. “You got this girl…you got this..” giving yourself a well needed pep talk before letting your knuckles meet the door. You instantly heard the commotion from there room and it didn’t take long for you to hear the door unlatch. Letting out one more deep exhale, before you faced whoever was behind it.  Once the door opened you knew you were done, Namjoon’s eyes met yours, you watched them crinkle as he smiled down at you..those dimples!! THOSE DIMPLES!! And he looked good, they all looked and smelled so good…no makeup..skin glowing..looking boyfriend as fuck. The jeans,sweatpants..backwards snapbacks..foreheads exposed there were foreheads…foreheads everywhere! This was just a lot for one person to take in, you low key were feelin kinda attacked and I don’t blame you! ! Feeling like you almost had to squeez your thighs together as you walked in the room..…Once you entered you were greeted by warm smiles and even warmer hugs, each of their individual scent hitting your nose as they pulled you into there frame. Each touch was different, the embrace..how long it lingered, to be honest you almost could predict how it would go. The way each member hugged you almost reflected the way they interacted with you via text.

 About a hour went by..you found yourself on the couch sandwiched between Hoseok and Jimin, legs rested on Jimin’s lap while you guys ate sushi and drunk wine. Jimin’s hand casually resting on your thigh as he ate, yes..Park Jimin….had his hand.. On. Your .Thigh. What is life right now?? Not to mention the boys not knowing what personal space is, and just being total sweethearts, there was certain foods that you obviously aren’t familiar with. Not only did they explain it but they fed it to you..like the way you see them feed each other in Vlives….yeah. I don’t think you’d ever get the visual of Kim Taehyung putting a piece of sushi in your mouth, then licking the left over eel sauce off his finger..out of your head..

All of the nervous energy you felt on your way up here was completely gone, it was crazy how comfortable you felt around them! The conversation was pretty random and all over the place, just like your group chat. The boys more so wanting to hear about how you’ve been, they were very fascinated in your line of work, especially Yoongi and Hoseok. Once you finished eating the room fell  silent..which you didn’t mind until you noticed the mischievous smirk on Jungkook’s face. While Namjoon passed out tiramisu for dessert. “Kookie..what the holy hell is that face!?” Kicking up your brow in curiously while Yoongi randomly erupted in laughter, the tone alone was suspect.. and at this point you had to know what was up. Your eyes shot to Taehyung’s, because you knew he’d cave! Letting out a slow huff before setting his plate down. You could tell he wanted to smile though so it couldn’t be that bad right? “Wellll…” purposely being an ass and dragging it out knowing damn well you were dying over there “WELL!?” your tone?…yeah..not so chill…smacking the pillow that was currently in your lap. At this point you guys were almost 2 bottles deep so your patience was nonexistent..“Well she’s not very patient..” Yoongi teased with a smirk, as he licked his lips and suddenly the pillow that was on your lap was flying halfway across the room “Alright,alright I’ll tell you just don’t throw anything at me next….So last night..Kook kinda sorta found your tumblr….” The words came out slow, as his tongue teased the corner of his lip, his eyes tracing yours carefully waiting to see how you’d respond. The room was dead silent at first, and well to be fair you didn’t see the big deal, it was a mix of makeup fashion, sex and BTS. Your eyes scanned the room with a slight shrug “Oohhkayyy..” You let your words drag out making it very clear that you were obviously missing the punchline…”Right..but like..we were bored… so we went…kindaaaaa far back…” Hoseok glanced down at you as he stuffed his face, and then my friend…there it was…your eyes went wide in pure terror once it clicked. “Oh fuckkkkk” I think you actually wheezed and curled into a ball..have you ever seen a rollie pollie curl up into a ball? Well yeah that was you!

 See…back in the day your BTS content had no chill, not only did you reblog smut but your tags..were on a whole nother level! Everything from Jimin’s thick neck,, to wanting Taehyung to tie you up with his Gucci headband,and do whatever the fuck he wanted, sitting on Jimin’s face, having Hoseok fuck you in front of a mirror, Yoongi’s tongue game, Namjoons daddy kink, Junkooks sub switch! Yeah girl you were ugh..mortified to say the least. “Oh fuck me!!”  This time It almost came out as a screech as your face fell into Hoseok’s lap, and they all cackled so loud it was unreal. You felt him massage your shoulder trying to put you at ease..but there was no way..no way… “Oh don’t worry I screenshot some of my favorites..serious question..please explain to me the sexual attraction to Jimin’s.. In your words “ Thick ass neck..daddy yassssssss” Yoongi breathed out, the emphies on the “Yasss” had you limp to say the least…at least the boys found this hilarious because all you could hear in the background was cackling while you felt like you were dying! “Wait one more time Yoongi?” Hoseok breathed out with a snort and you lightly nipped at his thigh with your teeth..causing him to make a noise that you damn sure weren’t ready for, because you felt that shit in more places than one. “Yassssssssssss” Yoongi breathed out one more time in a high pitched tone. All you could do was flick him off..not even able to raise our head at this point! You felt Jimin start to rub your thigh, his way of letting you know you were fine. It was clear the post from the past couple months, since you’ve met them..they haven’t been as..intense. Probably because now that you know them..it made it kinda weird..but at the end of the day you were a fangirl..that’s how you guys met and they were on YOUR tumblr! So once you got over the initial shock…meh it is what it is!

 Taehyung crawled over to you, taking your face in his hands, trying to make you look up at him . Pressing his forehead to yours..and now you really weren’t going to open your eyes. “I’m not moving until you look at me …hey..do I need to go get my Gucci headband ?” His tone was playful, it was clear he just wanted to make sure you were good….but to be honest the threat sounds more like a sinful tease. His voice barely above a whisper,breath hitting your skin, a mixture of white wine and coffee from the tiramisu.His hands felt so soft against your skin it was unreal, you fluttered your eyes open, and he smiled back at you…”There’s our girl!” Pulling back from you, rocking back on the floor. No matter how embarrassed you were..hearing him say that..”Our girl..”..had you feeling..of course at ease but also slightly turned on? Yet you couldn’t help but whine as you readjusted our ponytail your face felt like it was on fire…”Why does everyone think I have a mirror kink? I mean it’s true but what about me says that?” Hoseok’s brows furrowed, in confusion as he licked the whipped cream off his fork.. In which a scoff left your lips without even realizing “Ghee I don’t know maybe because your a dancer and spend a lot of time in a studio..and I mean as a dancer your a perfectionist..so in theory you like to watch yourself..hmm..I knew that was spot on!” Glancing over at him, voice playfully flirtatious,, but the look this man gave you in return..you just…no you weren’t ready for it. It was like he went from being Jhope to Jay, tongue slowly sliding against his plump bottom lip. As a smirk moved up his face, before causally returning his glance to the pastry on his plate. It was like he knew he knocked the wind outta you for a moment, and that alone was enough for him to be content just knowing he could if he wanted too. It just hit you how turned on you suddenly were…as sassy as you could be you loved a man that was dominant…and you already knew this man was dom AF I mean come on   “Well it didn’t take long for her sassy ass to shake off acting shy and embarrassed..Yo..Jimin..man are-are you taking pictures of your neck!? “Yoongi’s face was priceless as he leaned up from his chair, trying to get a better look and you could help but snort, whipping your head around to see for yourself . All he did was shrug nonchalant..no shame…”Actually I’m looking at it in my camera…ya know I never realized it but I actually do have a really nice neck” Nodding in approval at his own reflection, as he should because the boy was fine…. “Wooowww…Jin would be proud…” Namjoon just rolled his eyes as he let his glance meet yours “Where just giving you a hard time honestly..we’ve seen wayyy crazier, its normal and at the end of the day..it comes with the territory. Part of being a idol is being a fantasy. I mean shit it’s part of why they don’t like us to date..nothing’s changed on our end so I really hope your not like freaking out about this…” His whole delivery was warm, and even though the atmosphere made you feel at ease and you kinda already knew they were just giving you shit, but it still felt good to hear him say it!

 You smiled back at him, almost getting lost for a moment as he held your gaze in the palm of his hands…”Also I mean this all seems pretty spot on..especially you reblogging all these text post about Jungkook being a bratty sub..” Taehyung teased letting his eyes cut over to Kook’s but he did NOT seem amused, actually he was quiet this whole time. Kinda had you wondering if he was feeling uncomfortable..or upset..you weren’t sure you just knew something didn’t seem right with him. The boys seemed to just shoe it off but you didn’t like it..”So….I have a question…how do you go from I guess…having all those..”Fantasies”.. to just suddenly shutting those thoughts off? I mean granted were all friends now..so it would probably be hard for you to separate the two if the oppert-” The look on your face made Yoongi stop talking altogether “What do you mean it would be hard to seperate the two? Are you assuming women can’t just fuck for the sake of pleasure? Have you never heard of one and done…or What? Are you assuming your dicks so good that I’ll turn into a sasaeng tumblr and not be able to be your friend anymore?” Cocking your head to the side as you kicked your brow up..voice dripping in sass..and you heard all the other boys let out a snort. You personally weren’t able to catch all there reactions but let’s just say even though they didn’t expect you to say that they were impressed that you did. The fact that you didn’t seem like you were intimated by the sudden change of pace as far as the conversation was concerned, but hey..you’re all adults right? Clearly your statement caught Yoongi off guard as he as actually speechless. His eyes were challenging you though …that’s for damn sure,it  felt like his eyes were fucking you right there..head leaning to the side slightly, his gaze becoming more of a smolder..you started a fire with this one. Letting his tongue dance along his bottom lip as his finger..traced the rim of his glass. Clearing his throat before responding “Well I mean from these post it seems like your more curious as to what my tongue can do as opposed to my dick but hey..”  Leaning back slightly your face clearly reflecting that you were a little taken aback, but also impressed by his response..because again none of you ever had these types of conversations together before . I mean let’s get real they’re grown ass man but of course this isn’t a side of the boys the world got to see. IDOL world is completely different, more…tamed I guess you could say. They don’t talk about sex and girls the way some American artist can so freely, so this was brand new territory and you loved it.. ..His tone was so coy and laxed that all you could do was nod in agreeance the look on your face said “Touche”  Not sure if it was the liquid courage or if this was just the way they were behind closed doors but you had no complaints. There was something really sexy, knowing that it appears some of the fantsities you as fans think the boys are into might be true. The fact that they can be one way to world..and completely different behind closed doors had your skin on fire. I mean of course you see hints of it on stage and let your mind wander else were but fuck..it’s a whole other experience hearing it first hand, your panties were done for at this point.

 You watched the other boys go completely wide eyed at Yoongi’s comment…not surprised but surprised he took it there. Especially Namjoon as he glanced back at him “Oh please don’t even start bra master “ sticking out your tongue playfully as you successfully made him cringe at the reference .Out of habit,the conversation started breaking out in their native tongue briefly before they caught themselves. Switching back to English seamlessly  so you didn’t feel awkward… “Hyung I still Believe you just said that out loud! Damn I guess you’re officially the 8th member of BTS, because we don’t talk like this around anybody..but each other..” Jimin’s  eyes met yours smiling up at him, feeling pretty damn, good because one that means they were genuinely comfortable with you, and two, I mean fuck what girl wouldn’t love to talk kink fantasys  with the people there actually about. Especially because they kinda seem to be into it, I mean shit if that’s not something, to get yourself off to at night then I don’t know what is! Yet, through all this you couldn’t help but still glance back over at Jungkook . He was just so removed while the rest of you were having a ball, and that’s just not like him! “Hey I think I’m gonna go lay down..I just got really tired for some reason….” His eyes met Namjoons before he excused himself…”Night Kookie…” glancing over at him because it was clear he want going to speak..”Night…” Scrunching in your nose at how dry that response was ….

 You 10:30pm : Okay…what the fucks your deal????

PART 1 

BTW- I will also note this in part 1, as well as it’s kinda discussed at the end of part 1. These “Sessions” will not be rushed..in my mind this spans the last couple months of tour so Jan-April. Y/N gets to Tokyo Jan 1st btw, in all honesty in the two week period of her vacation I will probably only have her hook up with 2 of the guys and put a break in between for the others. It will be reference at the end of part 1 “If any other situations come up naturally in the future..and you choose to indulge, that’s completely up to you, but that dose NOT affect our dynamic”

#taehyung #taehyung smut #taehyung oneshot #kim taehyung #kim taehyung smut #kim taehyung one shot #jungkook #jungkook smut #jungkook one shot #jeon jungkook #jeon jungkook smut #hoseok #hoseok smut #hoseok one shot #jhope #jhope smut #jhope one shot #jimin smut #jimin oneshot #jimin #park jimin #park jimin one shot #yoongi #yoongi one shot #yoongi smut #namjoon #namjoon smut #namjoon one shot #kim namjoon #bts

[frickfrackjimin]

1AM

⇻ You & Yoongi get a call from your daughter at 1am.

Pairing: Husband/Dad!Yoongi x reader   Genre: Fluff   Words: 3k  Inspired by: real events.  Warnings: Mild language, super cute dad Yoongi :’-) 

You had always been a light sleeper. The over 20 years of being an oncology nurse got you in the habit of awakening at the slightest noise, most of the time being because of your pager.

At around year 8 of being a nurse, you also became a mother to your first child; a beautiful baby girl named Ara. She was the most precious thing you had ever laid eyes on, with her few strands of brown hair and a scrunched up nose that resembled that of her father. Being a light sleeper was both a blessing and a curse for the first few months of being a full-time mother and nurse. A blessing, because you always awoke to Ara’s cries in the night, able to fulfill your duty as a mother and take care of your child. A curse, because your husband is your polar opposite and you always had to go to extreme measures to wake him up when it was his turn to change Ara’s diaper.

You and your husband, Min Yoongi, had gone to high school together. Freshman year you sat next to each other in homeroom, until the next year when Oh Kyungsoo transferred in and separated you two. You were always friendly, but never ran in the same social circle. Yoongi ran with the marching band crowd as drum major, ran track, and had a small group of friends. You had a large group of friends, frequented many parties on Friday nights, and had shopping trips on the weekends with your older sister, courtesy of your dad’s credit card.

You and Yoongi were reunited at your five-year high school reunion, one that your best friend Sana had practically dragged you to. You had just gotten off of working working a double shift at the hospital and wanted to cuddle up in your bed rather than put on a happy front for a bunch of people from your adolescence. After a few minutes of mingling with others, you ran into him and ended up staying for more than a few hours longer than you had anticipated. Yoongi will always state that the moment he saw you arrive in that purple dress, the small crush he had harbored on you back in high school came back full force and he knew that he never wanted to let you go again.

3 years later you and Yoongi got married, and a year and a half after that Ara came along. You had both been wishing for a girl, but would have been happy either way. The moment your OB announced that it indeed was a girl, Yoongi nearly cried.

Ara and Yoongi had always had a special bond. Maybe it was their similarities in humor and music taste, but she had always been a bit of a daddy’s girl. Even at nearly nineteen years old, she still would text Yoongi every day while away at college. Even though she sought you out for advice, she would often seek him out for comfort. Together, you two were able to provide for her emotional needs.

Which is exactly what you both needed to do when the phone rang that night.

Easily waking up from your slumber, you blink a few times at the red numbers lighting up the alarm clock next to your bed, the time of 1:02am on a Monday faintly lighting up the nightstand. Your hand reaches around before meeting with the phone, answering on the third ring.

Normally when the phone rings in the middle of the night, it is never good news. The last time the phone rang past 9pm was because your mother had fallen down the steps taking out the trash and you needed to rush her to the hospital. The time before that was when she had called you saying that your father wasn’t doing well and you needed to get on the next flight to them. Safe to say, middle of the night calls aren’t expected to be the greatest. This one was not any different.

“Hello?” you answer.

“Mommy?” you hear on the other end from a strained voice.

You are immediately wide awake as you recognize who is on the other line. “Ara? Baby, what’s wrong?”

“Mommy, I fucked up,” she sobs into the phone.

Any chances of you falling asleep are done now. Ara knows not to use that language around you, and has only let a word like that slip out once before, after your father died and she said that life was “fucking unfair” for taking her grandfather from her. Every worst case scenario is popping into your head. Did she get into an accident? Is she at the hospital? Is she in jail?

You knew that last option was highly unlikely. The only rule your daughter ever broke at home was no food in bed. However, since Ara had decided to attend college nearly 1,000 miles from your home, you constantly worried for her and her wellbeing. Having your baby go away for college is one thing, having it be a three hour flight away was another. You had not met any of her friends from her school, most coming from her sorority, and always worried that she would be hazed or would end up doing something stupid even though she claims her sisters aren’t like that.

“What happened honey? Talk to me,” you reply in a soothing tone. You can hear her choked breaths on the other line as she struggles to get an answer out to you.

“Mom, they hate me. They completely hate me. They say they don’t understand why I act this way. I don't understand why I act this way. I hate myself, why can’t I just be normal and not feel this way?”

“Ara, you are so worked up right now. I need you to take some deep breaths for me.”

Though you give her advice, you can tell that she is struggling on the other line.

You feel shuffling next to you, turning your head to the side to see Yoongi squinting at you through the dark.

“Mom, I can’t,” she chokes out. You feel your heart crumble in your chest, knowing that you are so far away and there’s only so much you can do over the phone.

Yoongi must have been able to hear Ara through the speaker, because he reaches his hand out, nodding towards your hand that is holding the phone to your ear in a death grip. You hesitantly hand it over to him, hoping that your daughter’s main comfort source will be of more help than you could be.

“Ara, it’s Dad. I need you to focus on your breathing for me so you can tell us what happened.”

You hear her cry out for Yoongi over the phone, feeling your stomach twist in uncomfortable knots.

“Okay, ready, I want you to take a deep breath in. Good, now hold it. Okay, now slowly breathe out. Do it again, breathe in. Hold it. Now breathe out,” he instructs, sitting up against the headboard. He switches the light on his nightstand on, the both of you snapping your eyes shut momentarily at the sudden brightness that fills up your master bedroom.

He puts the phone on speaker so you can hear what Ara has to say.

“Okay honey, why don’t you tell us what happened so we can try to help.”

Ara still softly cries on the other end, but sounds a lot less hysteric than she did a few minutes ago when you picked up.

“You guys know how Mina was coming to visit this week for spring break? Well, she was supposed to stay at my dorm since my roommates are away, but she insisted on staying with Insu.”

You vaguely remember Ara telling you about a friend she met at a concert named Mina a few years ago. She did not attend Ara’s university, but her friend Insu did. That is how Ara met him, her first friend in college. You also knew that Ara had developed feelings for this boy, but had been trying to get over him for months now since he drug you around on a string for a while, which made you want to beat this boy upside the head for fooling around with your daughter’s heart.

You don’t think Yoongi knows fully in detail about what your relationship with Insu is. Honestly you don’t either, but you’re pretty positive Ara wouldn’t have told Yoongi about the fact that you and Insu had a “fling” that you had been trying to get over.

“I don’t know why, his dorm is disgusting and all of his roommates are there so she has to sleep on the floor, or in the bed with him, which just makes it even worse,” Ara blubbers.

“The two of them had been all buddy buddy, I felt like such a third wheel this weekend when we went to the city. It was always Mina and Insu, oh and Ara! Following behind! Like I meant absolutely nothing to them. It wouldn’t have mattered if I was there or not!” she nearly screeches. “I don’t know, I guess maybe I started ignoring them or said something rude that I didn’t mean to, but Mina knows that I still like him. She knows that Insu likes her though, so I don’t know why she’s doing this to me. Sitting in his lap for pictures and letting him cuddle her and all that shit is driving me freaking insane!

“So I went to Insu’s dorm tonight because they invited me to hang out and I didn’t want to be rude, but then they confronted me and I just explained that I’ve been feeling like a third wheel and really anxious and on edge lately and apologized for being rude if I was. Mina said that she was sorry I had been feeling anxious but like? She’s part of the reason I feel this way! Then Insu opens his freaking mouth and says that I shouldn’t be apologizing to him, but to Mina, because apparently I was being a bitch to her! A bitch to her? She’s the one that’s flirting with him when she knows that I LIKE HIM!” Ara bawled.

“I just said, ‘Okay, I apologize,’ then left and broke down in the hallway as soon as the door shut and cried all the way home until I got here and I just need my mom and dad,” Ara wails. “I’ve been feeling like absolute shit for months now. I have anxiety attacks so often I’ve lost count of how many I have in a week, and I hate feeling like this. Why do I always have to be the bad guy? Why is it always my fault?”

Your heart snaps in half at the sound of your heartbroken daughter on the other end.

“Honey, I want you to take some more deep breaths for me, okay?” you soothe. “Ara, none of this is your fault. Okay? None of it.”

“Really, Ara, it isn’t,” Yoongi adds. “That’s a real bitch move on Mina’s part, and Insu was a dick. You have every right to be upset.”

“You are not the bad guy here. You are feeling betrayed by a friend, and you have every right to be. Mina shouldn’t have been letting Insu get that close to her if she doesn’t feel the same, and also knowing your feelings for him,” you console.

“Ara, listen to me,” Yoongi begins. “You should not have to apologize to either of them because of the way that you feel. If anything, they should be apologizing to YOU for one, making you feel left out and two, making you cry like this. You explained to them why you reacted the way you did, which you didn’t have to do, and Insu still had the fucking balls to tell you that you’re in the wrong for feeling that way. He’s a fucking dick. This is absolutely not your fault.”

“Dad, he just doesn’t understand what anxiety is. He doesn’t get why I act this way,” Ara says weakly, attempting to defend the same asshole that is the reason behind her tears.

“Didn’t you say you took psychology with him last semester? He should know what anxiety is. If not he shouldn’t have passed the class,” Yoongi asserts, gripping your grey comforter with his free hand. “Him not understanding mental illness in this day and age is not an excuse. If he knows that you struggle with this and was a real friend, he would attempt to grasp a basic concept on what anxiety is and how to help a friend who has it.”

“Ara, I have to agree with your dad. These friends of yours don’t seem like they’re the best for you. When does Mina go back home?” you ask.

“Wednesday morning,” Ara sniffles over the phone.

“Okay, so only two more days. Since your classes start back up again today, I would simply say that you’re busy with homework if they ask to hang out again. You need some space from them. You don’t need to surround yourself with that negativity when it’s affecting you this badly.”

“It’s not just from this week. It’s from months of feeling like this, and I just snapped. I don’t know what to do. I think I need help,” Ara whimpers.

Ara admitting that she might need to get help is something that makes you proud of her. You know that these past two years have been really tough on your family, especially her. Your dad died nearly two years ago, and Yoongi’s mother suddenly passed away less than a year after that. Add moving far away for college and being on her own for the first time to those stressors, it’s no wonder Ara’s anxiety attacks have come up in conversation with you more than once. You had always said that if she needed help to just let you know, but she always insisted that this was only temporary and that she would be okay. You did not want to pressure her into receiving help when she didn’t want it. You always just gave her the best advice you could and told her stories about how annoying Yoongi is since she wasn’t home to talk to him about “The Office,” their favorite show to watch together, just to make her laugh.

“We can help,” Yoongi chimes. “I can book an appointment with your doctor when you get home from school if you want me to. If you want a psych eval, we can book that for you. We can get you the help that you need Ara, all you need to do is ask. I know it’s scary, admitting that you need help. It took me years to finally open up about my struggles, I’ve been where you are. Once you start to get that help and support, though, it really does start to get better. At least for me it did.”

Ara sniffles again, seemingly calmed down from Yoongi’s words of reassurance.

“We aren’t here to judge you, Ara. We would do anything to see you happy.”

You feel your heart swell in agreement at Yoongi’s statement. You would do anything to see Ara happy and not have these feelings of self-hatred and anxiety and anger at the world.

“I know,” Ara whispers. A beat of silence passes before she admits, “I think I need to talk to someone.”

“Okay, I’ll look up people in the morning when I get to work,” Yoongi states. “Mommy will call your physician tomorrow and get you an appointment for when you get home from school, okay?”

“Okay,” she responds. “I’m sorry I called so late, I hate calling after 9. I just didn’t know who else to turn to and just needed someone.”

“Ara, it is completely okay. We’re glad you called,” you affirmed, looking Yoongi in the eyes. Even the man known for getting angry at anyone who dared to wake him didn’t seem the slightest bit bothered by the call.

“I think I’m okay now. I just want to go to bed,” she murmurs.

“Alright sweetheart. Are you sure you’re okay now?” you question one last time.

“Yes, I’m sure. I’m happy I called,” she answers.

“So are we,” Yoongi agrees.

“I love you guys. I’m sorry again for calling so late,” Ara apologizes.

“You know you can always call us at any time, day or night sweetheart. We’ll always answer.”

“Yeah, except when I’m at the mechanic and Dad doesn’t pick up when they tell me it’s going to be $300 to replace a tire,” she retorts.

“Alright Ara, that was one time,” Yoongi groans. You hear her chuckle lightly on the other end, glad that she is feeling good enough to take a jab at Yoongi.

“I know Dad, I’m just teasing. I love you both.”

“I love you too,” you and Yoongi reply harmoniously. “Get some sleep honey, tomorrow is a new and better day,” you state.

“I hope so.”

“I know so,” you assure.

“Goodnight,” Ara says before hanging up the phone.

Yoongi hands the phone that he had been holding in his hand back to you. You place it back on it’s spot on your nightstand before turning to look at him again.

“She really scared me,” you say to your husband as he goes to turn off his light.

“Me too,” Yoongi agrees. “I’m glad she felt comfortable enough to tell us she needs help, though. We’ll figure something out for her when she gets back. I wish she had told us sooner. It sucks that it took her reaching her breaking point to admit it.”

“Sometimes that’s what you need to happen to realize that you need help.”

“I know. At least we can get her help now,” Yoongi mumbles as he begins to fall back into a slumber, you right in step behind him.

The last thing Yoongi says before you both drift off to dreamland has you chuckling to yourself.

“I swear if I ever meet that Insu kid, I’ll punch him so hard he’ll be shitting teeth.”

#yoongi #min yoongi #yoongi drabble #yoongi oneshot #yoongi fluff #bts fluff #bts drabble #bts oneshot #suga #bts suga #bts yoongi #suga drabble #suga oneshot #suga fluff #soft bts #dad yoongi #husband yoongi #yoongi x reader #ffjwrites #i wrote this in one sitting #sorry if it sucks #enjoy fluffy dad yoongi giving his daughter advice

[serendipity-y]

part two of the ask!!!

@xoauroraaxo 65 asks: 1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? i don't understand the question 2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? like 4 3. The person you would never want to meet? i don't know, probably paul ryan bc his face annoys the shit out of me and i just want to punch him 4. What is your favorite word? fuck, probably 'petrichor' 5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? weeping willow 6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? either 'you need to sleep' or 'you need to dye your hair again' 7. What shirt are you wearing? a black tank top 8. What do you label yourself as? ?? gay as fuck?? 9. Bright room or dark room? dark room 10. What were you doing at midnight last night? probably talking to aurora and watching supernatural 11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? i think,, six?? idk why?? maybe because i was living with my mom and step dad again and everything was happy 12. Who told you they loved you last? my mom :) 13. Your worst enemy? any bigoted piece of garbage 14. What is your current desktop picture? it's a picture i got off of Rookie Mag 15. Do you like someone? yes bitch i do 16. The last song you listened to? Never Be by 5 Seconds of Summer 17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? this is so hard!!! probably pence bc trump will die soon anyway 18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? paul fuckin ryan 19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? my sister rory, and she'd have to go an entire day without arguing with me 20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) idk nothing?? i guess my eyes/ my lips 21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? i don't know, i'm skipping this one 22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? i can figure out what any crystal is (if you give me like 10 minutes and the crystal) 23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? being drowned by a clown spider (that's a real fucjin thing) 24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. idk,, anything?? 25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? donate it!!! 26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? france (you can also come) 27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? (Castiel is that you?) i have no clue,, i'd like to stay away from it. 28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? no bigots 29. What is your favorite expletive? does idget count?? bc ever since i heard bobby use it i think it's hilarious 30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? (besides my phone??) probably my camera 31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? ummm,, that one time when my cousin did this thing to me that i'm still not over 32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! australia 33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? okay so, if this was two people i would bring back my twin cousins who died from cancer (i never met them?? but i know my aunt would love to have them back). but since it's only one i'll say my dog brownie 34. What was your last dream about? idk i don't remember my dreams 35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? [singing] people say i am, but i don't think so 36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? no 37. Have you ever built a snowman? yes 38. What is the color of your socks? i'm not wearing any 39. What type of music do you like? p much everything 40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunsets 41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? chocolate peanut butter 42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer) i don't watch sports lmao 43. Do you have any scars? yeah 44. What do you want to be when you graduate? a writer/ anything enjoyable that has to do with art (i think that's what the question is asking) 45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? fuck, i'd change more than i should (any hh fans ;;)) ??) but i think i'd change my teeth??? 46. Are you reliable? i'd like to say so 47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? DOES THE WORLD TRY TO KILL YOU?? 48. Do you hold grudges? depends how big the issue is 49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? if create a pig- pug hybrid 50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? one time in a group chat it was like 1am and i kept saying "mary jew ana" and i wanted to fucking die 51. Are you a good liar? it depends who i'm lying to and what i'm lying about 52. How long could you go without talking? not long, because i like yelling at my computer when dean is being ridiculous 53. What has been you worst haircut/style? when i got bangs 54. Have you ever baked your own cake? probably lmao 55. Can you do any accents other than your own? no 56. What do you like on your toast? butter 57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? it was a sigils that i put in one of my paintings 58. What would be you dream car? i don't really like cars but,, a '67 impala just because of spn 59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. i sing in the shower?? and it's really bad?? 60. Do you believe in aliens? yes 61. Do you often read your horoscope? not really 62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? i like u 63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? dragons 64. What do you think about babies? they're cute most of the time 65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. "what is your favorite lipstick?" i have teddy bear by melanie + lime crime and i love it

#ask #xoauroraaxo #it wouldn't all fit in crying

[buckygirl-fanfiction]

Sparks Chapter 5

Pairing: Bucky(POV) X Reader(POV) ft. other members of the avengers team

Word Count: 3.6K 

Summary: y/n goes clubbing with the girls and after viewing her snapchat story Bucky spots Hydra agents lurking. Bucky goes to y/n’s apartment to warn her. He brings her back to the tower and she spends the night at his apartment. They casually share a bed and Bucky has a night terror episode which he is embarrassed/ashamed about. y/n on the other hand isn’t scared or disgusted by her friends night terror. Their friendship gets stronger and Bucky starts to face new feelings about y/n.

A/N: This is a story about two people building a great friendship and then slowly falling in love. y/n is a strong, independent, and smart scientist. She meets Bucky when she wakes him up from cryo sleep and they become friends. This is going to have all the angst / best friends falling in love / fluff / drama / & eventual smut ;) that I can possibly fit in it. This fic is going to be looong! So far my document is like 66 pages. So editing is hard If you catch any grammatical or formatting errors let me know.

August 28, 2015

Bucky’s POV

It’s been almost 2 months since the incident and y/n told me she’s finally healed up enough to take me up on my offer to spar. We have been going out on morning runs for about three weeks now all orchestrated by Steve who is now my ex-running partner. I think the man is secretly very happy that i’m being more outgoing than I was 3 months ago when I first woke up. y/n is good for the soul. I think everyone could use a friend like her. She’s genuinely kind-hearted to everyone and never boring. Despite her kindness, the girl is surprisingly strong. She wasn’t kidding when she said she could kick ass. Which she is proving to me right now. We are at the gym in the tower on a mat. Her leg comes around and before I can move she knocks me to the ground. I do have to admit even though i’m going easy on her she’s knocked me down a couple more times than i’d like to admit to. She stands over me offering me a hand.

“Not bad y/n,” I say.

“Not bad? I was awesome,” she replies. She’s quick i’ve got to give her that.

“Again?” I ask.

“Eh, I’m getting kind of tired,” plus I have to be in the lab in like 20 minutes. She says checking her watch.

“Alright, we still on for our run tomorrow?” I ask.

“Yeah, but it’s saturday and I may be hung over so can we go at like 12 instead of 10?” She asks.

“Hung over?” I ask curiously?

“Yeah i’m going clubbing with some of the girls,” she says. “I would invite you but it’s strictly a girls night and I don’t think I can sneak you in. Well maybe if you curled your hair and I did your makeup” She says jokingly.

“As fun as that sounds, i’ll pass.” I say. We say our goodbyes and part ways as I watch y/n walk to the locker rooms to shower before going up to work. We’ve gotten a lot closer during our time together and i’m really starting to consider her a close friend.

…

Its around 1am and i’m in my room looking through my phone. I open the snapchat app that y/n introduced me to and go through her story. It’s a bunch of selfies of her, Wanda, Nat, Cho and a couple other girls I don’t know. y/n seems lively as ever and about 10 times drunker than usual. She also posted videos of her in the club dancing with flashing lights going off around her. I watch her entire story when I spot something out of place. I almost didn’t see it. It was just a glimpse and I had to replay her entire story again just to make sure. She’s in a crowded club surrounded by people sitting on a bar stool taking shots. Behind her in the distance in a very grainy video clip is a man. A very familiar looking man that I recognize. At first glance he seems like any other guy at a club wearing a blazer. But I knew him very well during my days at hydra, or at least I knew of him. I crossed paths with him in the late 90s. He was a headhunter of sorts. Hydra used to contract him out on recon missions to gather intel from high level government agents. His information gathering techniques weren’t as nice as simple question and answer time. It doesn’t take long to fill in the blanks. Wanda and Nat are high level field agents no way he’d go after them, plus going after them would involve infiltrating the tower which he can’t do. The other girls in the group are civilians, he wouldn’t care about them. Cho and y/n are the most likely targets. Working in the labs they would be the ones with the most information. I check the timestamp on the video and it was posted an hour ago. I quickly put out a SOS and the first person to arrive back at the tower is Tony. I explain the situation Tony does his usual tech stuff to run through video camera footage at and around the area of the club. I try to get any of the girls on their phones and fail. y/n’s phone keeps going to voicemail and so does Wanda’s while Nat and Cho don’t answer. y/n can take care of herself I know that, but Cho. Not to mention y/n’s probably off her game from the drinking which leads me to run through some scary possibilities facing both of them. Tony is tapping away at a keyboard along with two other agents on call tonight. After about twenty minutes of failure to contact them, Steve walks into the large security room with Nat and Wanda and says, “I found them, they just got back.”

“Whats going on?” Nat says.

“You had a tail tonight,” Tony says explaining the entire situation to them.

“Where is Cho and y/n?” I ask.

“Uh, they both got in an uber to go home,” Wanda says. “y/n’s phone died she caught a ride with Cho.”

Steve and I looked at each other, “You get y/n, i’ll get Cho,” Steve says. I run out to the garage and get on my motorbike speeding through the streets to y/n’s apartment. I’ve been there bored twice it’s not far just a 3 minute ride. I don’t want to draw attention to myself so I park a couple buildings away and check my surroundings. If he’s going after y/n I don’t want to spook him away. I want to catch him now and take him in. I stealthly make my way up y/n’s fire escape, she’s on the 7th floor. I slowly and quietly open a window and go through it. I’m in her bedroom it’s empty. Maybe she’s not home yet. Then I hear someone walking towards the room. It’s a woman’s steps, I hear the clicking of her heels. It’s dark in her room and i’m still standing by the window right next to the door.

y/n’s POV

I’m really tipsy and i’m praying I make it to my bed without falling. I throw the key on the table by the door and lock my door. I wobble towards my bedroom. Unzipping the back of my dress as I walk. Its tight and uncomfortable but man did I look good tonight. But i’m too lazy to take it off now. So, I settle for just unzipping the back. I walk into my bedroom and make my way to the bed. Wait something’s not right. Then I realize there’s a figure standing next to my window blocking some of the moonlight.

Bucky’s POV

y/n doesn’t see me at first but then she does and she’s quick even when she’s drunk and she turns around throwing a hard blow to my neck. Ouch. I reach back around her grabbing her arm and shoulder. I wrap my arm around her pulling her back towards me. I quickly cover her mouth with my hand. Her back is pressed to my front and I can feel that the back of her dress is unzipped. I whisper, “it’s me, Bucky.” Before she can say anything we hear another noise coming from the kitchen a clang, someone’s knocked something over. She stops moving for a second. “I think someone's in here with you, we think he followed you.” My hand is still over y/n’s mouth and she mumbles against it. “Shh” I say in response. I see a shadow moving towards the door and I get ready to attack. y/n paws at my hand and the entirely dramatic moment ends in a white cat walking through the bedroom door looking up at us with a meow and then proceeding to walk past us towards y/n’s bed. y/n pushes off me and I release the hand over her mouth.

“What the fuck Bucky the only person who's in here is you,” she says glaring at me in the dark. I walk over and turn the lights on. I walk through the apartment double checking to make sure no one else is in here. “Bucky!” she says following me.

“I didn’t know you had a cat,” I say the only two times i’d come around here I didn’t notice a cat.

“I don’t it’s my neighbors she visits sometimes,” y/n says still glaring at me. “Why the fuck are you here? You scared the daylights out of me.”

y/n’s POV

“Cho,” he says before pulling out his phone and dialing someone. “He’s not here, did you get to Cho’s?” I walk over to him and rest my head along side his to hear who he was talking to on the phone. In heels i’m almost as tall as he is. I can faintly hear what sounds like Steve’s voice on the other side of the line.

“We intercepted her Uber before she got home, I picked her up right now. She’s safe.” Something happened to Cho? No, I think to myself. Well she’s with Steve now. What was going on? My brain felt fuzzy and my eyes were tired. I was leaning my head against Bucky’s right hand where he was holding the phone to his ear. I was trying to better hear what was going on, on the other side of the line.

“Okay, good i’m with y/n now. I’ll meet you back at the tower.” Bucky says before hanging up. He turns towards me and our faces are millimeters apart, I look up at him and he says, “you smell like vodka.” I smack him right on the back of his head with my palm. “Ouch, what was that for?” he says with puppy dog eyes.

“Of course I smell like vodka I’ve been drinking it all night. Now tell me what’s going on.” I say.

“I promise I’ll tell you everything once we are back at the tower,” he says looking around. “No first go pack a bag you’re going to need it.”

“No,” I say taking a stand, well a metaphorical stand because I don’t think my legs can hold out any longer so I take a seat on the sofa. “tell me whats going on,” I demand.

“Fine I’ll do it for you,” he says making his way to the bedroom. I’m way to out of it to follow him and try to stop him. So I narrow my eyes at him and steadily hold my position on the sofa.

Bucky’s POV

I walk into her bedroom, the white cat is still comfortably situated on her bedspread. I open her closet and find a tan backpack and grab it. I grab along with it some jeans and a couple t-shirts. I walk to her dresser and find her interesting lingerie collection. No time for comments, I chide my thoughts and shove some undies into the bag along with a couple bras. I walk over to her bathroom grab her toothbrush. I walk back out to the living room put her laptop into the bag and her chargers and zip it up. Her eyes on burning holes into me as I toss her the bag. “Come on let’s go,” I say.

“I’m not moving till you tell me what’s going on. What happened to Cho?” She says. She looks tired but still amazing, I haven’t seen her this dolled up since… well ever. She looks a lot different than the y/n I see everyday.

“You’re stubborn when you’re drunk,” I say. She answers me with silence. I sit down across from her on the wooden coffee table and put my hands on the side of her knees. “We, the team and I, think someone followed you to the club. Some I know from my Hydra days. It was only reasonable to assume he was after either you or Cho. Now come with me back to the tower before we have a nasty run in with a superspy headhunter and i’ll explain everything to you in detail.”

She gets up and turns around, “zip me up.” I zip up her dress and she turns back around facing me, “thanks.” She sighs and then leans over grabs the backpack and puts it on. She walks over to the door slipping her heels off and slipping on a pair of sneakers. “Let’s go,” she says grabbing her keys and phone off the table. I follow her out. Down the stairs and out to my bike. Crap my bike, I realize I should have brought my car. A motorcycle ride with a drunk girl not a good idea. Almost as if she can read my mind she says, “I’ll be fine, i’ll just… I don’t know close my eyes.” I get on and she gets on behind me wrapping her arms around my chest tightly. It’s only a short 3 minutes ride and we are in the garage.

y/n’s POV

It’s a short ride but it still scrambled my brain about 10 times more on top of the being woozy already from drinking. The bike slowly comes to a stop and my body is still pressed flush against Bucky and i’m fighting the urge to throw up. My cheek feels cool resting against his leather jacket. We sit there in silence for about 2 more minutes like this.

“y/n,” he says. “Are you okay?”

“Mmmmm,” I moan slowly peeling myself off his back and getting off the bike. The urge to barf has subsided but my head's still spinning.

“Want me to carry you?” he says. I can’t tell if he is teasing or genuinely concerned.

Either way I say, “No, I am perfectly capable of walking thank you,” and make my way towards the elevators slowly. We ride up to the security floor and find Nat, Wanda, Steve and Tony all scanning through security footage and a equally hungover Cho sitting on a chair staring up at the ceiling. I walk towards her and take a seat next to her. “You okay?” I ask.

“Yeah,” she says weakly. Tony explains the situation so far. Agents are out at both our appartments keeping an eye out to see if any sketchy figures show and Tony is trying to trace the Hydra agents footsteps from the club through security footage. I honestly stopped caring what was happening after I saw Cho was okay but I do my best to listen to the progress reports. About a hour later Wanda and Cho leave to go to crash in her room. Whilst Steve is hot on the trail of the Hydra agent with Nat. Somehow no matter how much Nat drinks she’s still at the top of her game. Tony’s facial recognition program picked up the Hydra agent, known as Maddox, running a red light about 20 minutes away from here. Nat and Steve went to investigate while Tony runs point from the security room. I want to know what’s happening so despite Wanda’s offer to stay with her I volunteer to stay in the security room to keep myself updated. Around 40 minutes in I’m sound asleep, my head against a desk.

Bucky’s POV

It’s almost 4am and Steve and Nat just called it quits on tracking Maddox the man was good, definitely good enough to avoid security cameras. y/n was sound asleep on a security desk when Tony called Steve and Nat back in from the field.

“Looks like she’s out,” Tony said pointing to y/n.

“Yeah, i’ll get her to bed,” I say. I grab the backpack she dropped and put it over my shoulder. I walk over to y/n and slowly and carefully lift her up from the chair she’s on. I walk towards the elevator and make sure not to wake her as I carry her. But halfway through the ride wakes up and squints her eyes at me.

“Put me down,” she says in a dry voice. She strong and she's stubborn and in the couple weeks i’ve known her i’ve come to realize she hates looking weak. Even if that means accepting help from others.

“No, sometimes you have to accept the fact that you need help y/n. You can’t do everything alone.” I say.

“You’re one to talk,” she mumbles back. I walk to my apartment and sit her down on my bed.

“I’ll take the sofa,” I say making my way to the door.

“Don’t be such a baby, we are two grown adults. We can share a bed Buck,” she says. If it wasn’t so dark i’d say she was rolling her eyes. She slips off her shoes and digs through her backpack. “You forgot to pack pajamas,” she says.

“Would this work?” I say walking over to my nightstand and tossing her one of my grey t-shirts.

She grabs it and says, “turn around,” I hear the distinct sound of her unzipping her dress and tossing it on the floor. Then I hear the sound of my covers. “Okay you’re good,” she says. She’s cuddled up on the right side of my bed and I don’t have the heart to tell her that the right side is usually where I sleep so I just take the left. She drifts off before me and i’m left facing new emotions that I don’t think I’m ready to face. So I put them away and bury them deep down.

y/n’s POV

I hear a pained moan that pulls me out of my sleep. I look at the bedside clock but it’s not there. What? Wait i’m not in my bed. The events of last night come back to me and then I turn to see Bucky covered in sweat tossing in his sleep mumbling something. I rub my eyes and reach over to shake him awake. I barely touch him before he grabs my wrist and pins it down above my head. He is awake, or not I don’t know. But his eyes are open and they are frantically staring down at me filled with fear. He’s half on top of me and he’s heavy. I almost knee him but then I stop myself and realize he is probably having some sort of night terror. Instead I talk him out of it, “Bucky, wake up” I whisper. “It’s me y/n,” slowly he snaps out of his episode and recognition fills his eyes. Then what can only be described as once again fear.

“Shit, i’m so sorry y/n,” he begins what I can tell is going to be a very long winded apology and I’m just way to sleepy to hear it.

Instead I say, “Can you get me some water?” He jumps up and in a few seconds he is back with a glass of water, which i’m very grateful for. I drink the entire thing and set the glass on the nightstand. I look across the room to find a clock which reads 6.54am. I look back up in the dark to find Bucky still standing in front of me at the side of the bed. I can already tell what he’s feeling. And as much as I’d like to have a long conversation at 7am in the morning about insecurities. I’m hungover and tired so I simply just say, “you can lie back down. I don’t bite.” To which I get no response. There only one way i’m going to get him back in bed so I just say it. I say it even if I don’t mean it because I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable or bad about the episode he had just had. “Bucky, i’m hungover and sleepy and i’m going to be honest i’m a little scared because some Hydra maniac is after me. So can you just get back in bed because I really don’t want to be alone right now.” I move over to the left side of the bed and stare at him. He doesn’t say anything instead he just slips back in under the covers and I drift back asleep.

Bucky’s POV

That’s when I knew I was in trouble. When she sleepily uttered those words. I recall them while staring at the ceiling it’s 7.03am and her breathing has slowed back down indicating that she was fast asleep: “I’m a little scared because some hydra maniac is after me. So can you just get back in bed because I really don’t want to be alone right now.” I remember it word for word. And I knew it was all a lie when they came out of her. I’ve know y/n long enough to know she isn’t scared of many things and even if she was she doesn’t like to admit it. And she definitely isn’t scared of Maddox attacking her while she’s in a secure tower. She said it because she wanted me to feel comfortable, she said those words to let me know that my little episode earlier hadn’t bothered her. And that’s when I knew I was in trouble. All those feelings I buried only a couple hours earlier came bubbling up to the surface. And boy was I in trouble. This girl who sleeps peacefully next to me this very second. This girl who hates asking for help or admitting to fear. Just lied to spare my feelings then proceeded to fall asleep peacefully, she wasn’t scared or disgusted, and that was beautiful. She turned in her sleep, her back was to me now. She was on the other end of the bed and I was so tempted to reach out and touch her. Just to make sure she was real and not some grand illusion. I had to make sure. I reached out and poked her shoulder very gently to feel the soft material of my t-shirt and pulled my finger back immediately.  

#Bucky Barnes #james bucky barnes #bucky fanfic #bucky imagine #bucky x reader #bucky barns x reader #sebastian stan #winter soldier #sebs #bucky smut #bucky fluff #avengers fluff #bucky #bucky x reader smut #bucky x reader fluff #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes x reader fluff #bucky barnes x reader smut #bucky barnes x reader fanfiction #marvel fluff #marvel fanfiction #marvel fics #bucky series #bucky barnes series #winter soldier series #winter soldier fluff

[sincerelysashaa]

6/14/20

LAWD. I somehow managed to already not stay on track with blogging every night. So consider this my entire weekend’s story bunched up in one. Another weekend in the books of single parenting. Another weekend of countless questions from my kids about why daddy isn’t spending weekends with them and why he goes out of town every weekend. I guess tonight’s post will elaborate more that..

Back in February (I think), Chris had another woman in my house. Let me preface this conversation with this- Chris assumed that I was cheating on him. Not sure if it was a guilty conscious or him seeing me finally losing weight and being happy, but he felt the need to pull my call records. Instead of reasonably asking for names and reasons why I was speaking to someone at 1am for literally less than 5 minutes, he came to his own conclusion that if a man answered when he called that number, that I was 100% sleeping with this person. The truth of the short calls were to get shirt sizes ASAP for an order I had to finish that night for a fight coming up at our boxing gym. It just so happened that this guy worked overnight and slept during the days so he called when he was free at work to finish his order, talk about the event and that was all. Anyway, Chris called him and asked if he was involved with me. The guy (being the meatheaded asshole that he is) must of thought it would be funny to tell Chris “I know she’s married and if anyone was pressing up on anyone, it was her coming onto me”. To this day I still don't know if Chris made this up because when I confronted the guy and asked why he would say that to my husband, he said he would never say something like that. Weird..right? So fast-forward to a few weeks after that. I go out of town with my 2 daughters and my son stays home. Kind of a boy’s weekend/girl’s weekend. When I came home, my bedroom was SPOTLESS. I mean SO clean while the rest of my house was messy. Automatically knew someone was in my house but Chris denied it, called me psycho and crazy and said I’m saying that because I’m ‘guilty’ of messing with someone at my gym. Long story short, I found out a girl was here, she text me all of the screenshots showing where Chris said he was divorced, and ready to have something serious and be ‘completely honest’ with someone. DAMN SHAME. We had a lot of talks after that. Silly me, once again forgave him. Now let’s have a moment of honesty.. Chris has broken me emotionally, many times. I cannot lie and say I was the perfect wife after this. I started texting another man. I am not proud of it. He gave me attention, checked up on me daily, sent inspirational quotes, bible verses and all kinds of things to help me get through the hard days of my life. I have no excuses for entertaining these conversations, but I did it. Maybe I craved that attention or that feeling that someone gave a shit about me, so I continued the texting and a few phone calls here and there. Did I love the guy? 100% as a human being, I did. Was he someone I’d pursue a relationship with or get involved physically with? Absolutely not. But Chris set up a recorder in my house and listened to an entire evening of my conversations with everyone from my sister, to brother, to best friend, to this guy. He heard me say I love him. Accused me of having a ‘sexy voice’ on. Guys.. I cannot express how angry I was when he told me he put a recorder in my house! When he played it back for me, I was LIVID. I told him I know exactly what I said on those calls. That I do not care what he has to say about any of it. I handled that situation poorly. Not just because I was mad, but because I was embarrassed. Well Chris took that incident and ran with it. This exact incident is what he uses against me and as his excuse for every poor choice he has made since February. Including seeing his “girlfriend” that he now he has.

This brings us to current day and the reason I've been single parenting and fielding questions from my children about daddy not being here to spend time with our family. Chris has a girlfriend in Miami. For all I know, he’s had her for a long time but claims I’m the one “in love with someone else” and that is why he is with her. Makes total sense right? (insert eye roll). He claims I broke his heart. Yeah, okay. Apparently my heart is made of steel because nothing he’s done over these last 10 years would've broken mine, huh? I’ve looked this girl up. Good ol’ Amanda Jarrett. That name will forever be in my brain as scum, trash, shit, any other synonym for DISGUSTING HUMAN BEING. I’ve looked her up of course. Her ex-husband, in prison. 3 kids, multiple fathers. Evictions every year since 2017. Committed a 3rd degree felony. Cannot get a real job (obviously) so she “cooks” meal prep foods in her house and sells it. It’s quite pathetic actually. Chris spends every single weekend with her. 5 hour drive down on a Friday morning, doesn’t come back until Sunday night. In that time he makes sure to treat her like a queen. Something he NEVER did with me and let me tell you how fucking ANGRY and hurt that makes me. Sacrificing my entire life, carrying his 3 children, taking care of my home and children while working full-time, being the main bread winner for YEARS. NONE OF THAT WAS ENOUGH. I have to watch him spoil this sorry excuse of a woman and I could not even get a 99cent card for Mother’s Day this year. What hurts me the most though is seeing how much this hurts my kids. They are such emotional little humans who really FEEL their feelings. Brianna seems to just want to keep to herself and not be bothered. She’s always sad and quiet. Jordan has been acting out, talking back, not being his old, sweet self. He also cries a lot and asks why daddy can’t spend time with him any more. Ava has been attached to my hip 24/7. She refuses to leave my side. She’s actually sitting on my lap in my bed as I’m typing this. I just hate that Chris can’t grow up and see how badly his choices will affect them. I cannot say anything to him though because he automatically gets defensive and it ALWAYS turns into an argument. Queue the tears- because they’re flowing as I type this. My heart is tired.

Our weekends are now super busy. Purposely. I cannot keep my mind calm while sitting around and this has been a huge struggle for me. So while I’m planning our weekends so the kids can have fun, I’m planning them for my own sanity as well. Last weekend we took a trip to the Saint Augustine Aquarium and fed sharks and sting rays. This weekend, we went to lunch with my best friend Becca and had a coloring/painting night at our house. We also watched 2 movies and read books. Today, Sunday, the kids and I had a nice dinner at Texas Roadhouse. It’s the small things.

This post wasn’t supposed to be so reflective on the past but I guess the back story was needed to see where I’m at today. It was a rough weekend. They usually always are. I do not get a break and it’s become so overwhelming. I found myself just wishing the day would hurry and be over so I could come lay in bed and close out the world. I never have luck with falling asleep though so I've been reading some fiction to keep my mind occupied. I’m actually in middle of a hilarious book called Big Gray. I’m rushing through this post just so I can get back to reading it (lol). So I guess this is all for now.. 

Reminding myself - one day at a time.

Sincerely, Sasha

[a1town2called3hypocrisy]

Wednesday 23:55 20/11/19

Ok so this blog has been many things over the years a diary, a place to stick my random thoughts, a dream book, a bitching blog, a music blog, a photography blog and many many more.

Now starting today it's going to be a no holding back 100% account dairy of me mainly focused on looking back at this and helping me remember my past later in life.

This will be updated everyday just like 13 year old girls diary every evening I will try to include all the days main points and some of my thought processes from the day.

If you know me and you follow or end up following this blog that's fine I'm not one for secrets or being personable so I don't mind I'd ask only if you have a comment to make specifically about a post I make to make that comment to me personally before making to amyone else good or bad (all publicity is good publicity) or something like <- that.

Ok so to start I'm just going to give a rough outline of where we are at right now and some major points that I will no doubt be referencing back to in letter posts.

Mental health:

Tbh I didn't think this had changed much recently at all until I really sad back and thought about how things used to be day to day for me around the time I actually got to the extreme point of talking to a health professional about my mental state. So in January 2019 my mental health was shit I relied 100% on my friends/colleagues/family and most of my girlfriend for my happiness (that right there is in it's self unhealthy). 6 out of 7 days or basically every work day I had constant intrusive thoughts all the time my brain would just wonder, one minute I'd be happily filling the shelf the next I would have to go out back to the chiller to cry as my thought process had just gone down some random lane of self injury/my girlfriend breaking up with me or cheating on me/ a family member or close friend dieing like seriously upsetting things like ALL THE FUCKING TIME! And it's crucial to understand that I didn't think these thing would happen or that I thought they were real but I have a vivid imagination and these thought processes would just spring up and I wouldn't at first do anything and I would let this destructive depressing train of thought develop. I think this was largely due to the fact I had a job which required little intellectual thought or concentration and what I later learnt was that the more sleep deprived I was the less likely I was to shut these thought process down early on. This sometimes affected my mood for the whole day and even made me over think things in my relationship that I would never of normally given even a first thought let alone dwell on for days on end.

Thankfully I haave realised that after my change in job in February I have barely had monthly intrusive thoughts let alone daily, it took me quite while to realise this as in February I went through a break up which left me quite depressed/sad for the first 3/4 months at least of my new job but after this sadness had mainly past I have now come to realise I'm SO much happier here, amd that isn't beacuse of the people the people I met at Tesco were some of the kindest most lovely inclusive most diverse people I've ever had the pleasure of meeting it is 100% down to the fact my brain is constantly thinking now concentrating on what I'm doing or planning my day out and when I will do each important task and in what order I will do them and how could I make thos process easier/quicker/more/efficient. My brain doesn't have time to wollow in self pitty or have time to construct elaborate ideas of sadness. And when I'm not at work I'm studying or being social plus I live with one of my most dearest/closest and longest friends now who I've had the pleasure of knowing for well over a decade which is over a 1/3 of my life.

Family:

So my Nan passed away this year which saddened me greatly not only because I loved her and have fond memories of her caring for me as a child and even as I got older, but also beacuse this leaves my lovely (and I mean lovely besides my mother and my sister my favourite family member) grandfather alone in a house at 81 years old suffering from early stages of cancer all the way south in Devon. But luckly I have ma aged to see quite abit of my lovely grandfather and even hear stories I had not heard about his youth and when him and my Nan first started "courting" (which by the way sound so much more romantic and chivalrous compared to now days) which has been lovely and I'm much looking forward to seeing him for this Christmas at my mothers house (2019) I can't wait.

Love:

So surprisingly enough my thoughts on love haven't changed since my breakup early this year I still think you have to give everything communicate and try to resolve issues and compromise from time to time but also be romantic and affectionate/spontaneous keep that spark alife and most of all always remind them how truely special they are to you and try to show this as best you can. Furthermore my last relationship made me realise that I do infact really want kids, there is literally nothing more joyous than watching as a young child learns something for the first time or even more heart wrenching calls your name as one of their first words (honest to god I've never cried with happiness but the closest I've ever got is when that kid said my name the first time) or when you have desperately been trying to teach them something and they finally get it/understand or when you do something that makes them giggle and laugh over and over again (this literally has no comparison to anything I've ever felt before I could have the worst day ever have spend most the day crying see that kid for no more than an hour just playing with him and seeing the pure joy that brought him would completely change my mood) And yeah if you know me and know who I'm on about I honestly don't care that he wasn't my kid after the time I spent with him playing/watching him grow up even calming him down and putting him back to bed in the middle of the night countless times/watching him learn new thing I loved that kid.

But I'm honestly not actively trying to find love I'm not on tinder ever 5 seconds like last time I was single or on any online dating site, but at the same time I'm at the point now that if something came about I'd give it a shot. But honestly I can't be fucked with beating around the bush now I've had my fait share of it didn't work out or short term fling I want my happy ever after and a family that's where I'm at now.

I mean at this point it's well gone 1am and that covers a large part of the basics I'm happy I love my family and friends I love my job for the first time in my life and I'm pretty happy I'm not depressed or even that anxious so it's going quite well.

Anyway speak to you tomorrow.

[talldarknsexy]

Russia in Julember and Humping Moose Antlers

Since my visa technically started 3 days ago, I shot off straight for the border and didn’t arrive until about 6pm in the pouring rain. It took a good 2 hours or so and I was proper soaked. I didn’t fancy camping in the wet forest, so pushed on another 60km to get to the nearest city of Vyborg where I saw some tourism and hostels on the map. I rode by forest, lots and lots of forest, there’s a lot of trees in Russia. 642 billion I’m told. I’m not sure who is counting, but I’ll bet he or she is still out there somewhere..

I made it to Vyborg by about 11pm. This may sound late, but it was the highest point on my entire route, higher even than my friend in Alaska. So, there was still an hour or two of light. At the first hostel I learned the Russian word for full, полно. At the second, I followed a guest in, but the owner wasn’t there and I found myself locked in for a few minutes. The third worked just fine.

Riding through Russia so far, the people had been polite and helpful. But, by no means outgoing. Riding into the city center, I was greeted by a good half dozen people, mostly girls, that did a celebratory “wave” for me. Weird I thought as I waved and rode by. But a suddenly slammed on the brakes upon realizing it was the cyclist gals from Riga. I’d planned on meeting them here anyways. But, certainly not by chance, in my tired/bewildered state, entering the city at dusk with 5.5 million other people.

Anyways, we got pizza and beer with some of their friends there. They went back to their Couchsurfing hosts and I found a hostel to crash at about 1am... Too tired to even shower.

The next day we met at a bike shop because the gals had a friend of a friend of a friend that mayyyybe could host us. Anyways, it worked out and a fella by the Name of Ilya graciously let us four squat in his shared, occupied apartment. His friends Vika and Pasha showed us around for that weekend. Vika was super sweet and spoke excellent English. Pasha was huge, disheveled at best with a somewhat spastic personality and always in a hurry, no matter he was doing. We had the same size and type of cycling shoes which made for some confusion...

That weekend we went to a punk rock show which was good fun. Evidentially Russian is a superb language for screamo/punk. We also went to a political art exhibition. We also got denied entry at the Hermitage, the worlds second largest art museum, and as in Riga, we went to go eat instead.

The gals left the city by train to Moscow. Ilya and I had another day of putting together a new wheel for me, as the one I got in Malawi and had now rebuilt multiple times was starting to resemble more of a potato chip. And while test riding it, my bottom bracket grenaded and we spent another afternoon replacing that as well. I went out with Ilya and his friends that evening for one last night out in St. Petersburg. It was interesting having fallen into a group of bike messenger, anarchist, vegan, hipsters (if I’m allowed to use labels like that.) They had all been great the past few days and it had been super nice going with the flow of a group and not having to make individual plans.

That next day I rolled out of St. Petersburg bearing for Moscow. The highway was less than stimulating and so, after only 40km, and very short Visa, I tried hitchhiking. People were confused, people were amused, people mostly stared- some even shook their heads. After about 3-4 hours, a truck pulled over and a guy excitedly asked me for a carton of cigarettes. Still cheaper and easier than the train, I certainly obliged.

Vladimir was a young guy with a small box truck headed home to Moscow that night. He asked me where I was from, and upon hearing Colorado, whipped out a piece of hash that must have been a good 5 grams at least... So yes, in Colorado marijuana is legal. But, in Russia is a felony with the classification of terrorism.

He liked telling stories. But, unfortunately I could only understand a very small percentage of that he was saying. He showed me a $2 US bill. When I incredulously asked if it’s origins, he google translated that he was working as a taxi driver and an American snorting coke the whole way gave it to him.

Vlad was headed far east of the city, and so I had us pull into a petrol station before the city so I could inquire about camping. In the end, he had been joking and wouldn’t allow me to buy him any cigarettes. There were some rigs there, so I asked the security guard who enthusiastically told me I could. This was about 3am. I woke up suddenly around 9:30am to my tent shaking violently. I instinctively punched back at the tent because maybe it was a dog. I swung open my tent fly to see what I think was a different security guard tell me something about 5 mins as he walked away. I guess this was not something discussing during shift change...

Feeling a bit groggy, but running on some adrenaline, I embarked on entering the largest metropolitan area I’d ever attempted on bicycle. It’s a city of 12-20 million. But nobody’s quite sure... They should find the precise fucker out there counting 642 billion trees and send them to Moscow instead.

Instead of being hosted as in St. P’s and going with the flow of social things I decided to balance that in Moscow by staying by myself in a hostel and making my own plans. I got into a nice and decent family run place in a good location for about $5. The owner happened to have lived in the states and spoke excellent English. The other staff hadn’t seen someone like me in months I don’t think. I do like that about Russia. Hostels are everywhere, even in small towns. They’re cheap functional places to relax, eat, and sleep typically for travelers or workers from Russia or neighboring countries. Unlike the chic and sterile backpacking factories in many parts of the world designed just for Chad and Tiffany on holiday

I spent the weekend in Moscow. That Friday I met up with a local from Couchsurfing who offered to show me around and I went out later for drinks with her and her friends. On Saturday, a friend of a friend, Ilya, rode into the city to show me around. He is in the process of orchestrating Russia’s first thru bikepacking route. He needn’t try too hard to convince me to try a segment.

I’d been having a good time in St. Petersburg and Moscow, but it still felt quite European to me at times. Riding through the countryside would be a good way to experience rural and authentic Russia I thought.

The next five days kinda blended together. The riding was indeed scenic. It was half dirt, half pavement, (which in this region tended to be a bit undulating at best anyways.) But mostly it got me off the busy highway and brought me through many small towns separated by endless wheat, corn, and my favorite: sunflower fields.

On the second day I went off course a bit and my navigation I was using for this route redirected me (unbenounced to me.) I rode about 15km partially through grass fields only to end at a river that appeared to be at least chest deep. Luckily Ilya had just messaged me and was able to notify my not only that I was now 17km off course, but he sent me a new file that is easier to navigate with on my phone. I did however, have to go back the entire 15km.

In the towns they have well and tap water. When I asked if the water was okay to drink I’d be met with either a blank stare, a slight nod, or a whole goddamn life story. Buying from shops was also interesting. In the cities people, and certainly younger people, recognize me as a foreigner and put up with my shitty Russian. Here, people either think I’m speaking what might as well be Chinese, or just think I’m a retarded Russian guy.

Even walking into a shop and saying hello in Russian, the old babushka lady will sometimes reply with “HUHHHH?” “ШТО КОТИТЕ?!” “ГОВОРИТЕ!” What do you want?! Speak! Most are very helpful though the language is sometimes terse but formal.

I can also only count to ten. Out of 8 other languages I’ve practiced, the teens were too difficult I determined. So, one lady had to show me on her abacus. My millennial ass not knowing how to count on a fucking abacus either... I had to just hand her an obscenely large bill for my bread and margarine.

Also sometimes annoying is that all the small shops are set up with the goods behind the counter. Only knowing half of the vocab, I have to resort to pointing. In one shop the drinks were inside a closed refrigerator. Now I haven’t lived in this village my whole life and hardly understood what she was saying. I asked politely if I could see for myself. And she jokingly asked me something like “What is this? A supermarket??”

It was some amazing countryside and it was interesting seeing all the old churches and the way people lived. They also had a lot of what appeared to be bomb shelters in some regions. There was also superb camping every night. The downside was, even though the people were quite funny and helpful, they were in no way outwardly curious. I had in 5 days, only 3 people ask me where I was from. And at least 2 of the 3 of them I’m sure were drunk. I did get a lot of stares though... A lot of stares.

I popped out of the route on Friday to stay with a Couchsurfing host Natalia in the next city. I’d come up about 100km short and opted again to hitch in a box truck. This time, armed with a pack of cigarettes.

Because I’d been camping all week and my phone only had some 5% juice and was out of data I accidentally arrived to Natalia’s address, but in another part of the city, 15km away. By the time I was able to get in touch with her and make my way back, it was almost 1am.

She was still awake though, and understanding. I spent the weekend there and caught up with a few things. Outside in Voronezh, I was fixing the derailleur alignment on my bike. I caught the attention of an old man peeing by his open car door. Maybe I’m slightly used to old naked Russian men from the gym I grew up by. But this guy, mouth wide open, just kept staring through the whole process... until he’d shaken out the last drop.

Anyways, as I was running out of time with my visa I again had to hitchhike to the next city. I rode the first 50km out of the city to a trucker rest stop. I got talking to an Armenian guy who liked the Marlboro cigarettes I was offering him and even though his truck was locked, he went out and found an empty big rig for me to ride in.

Igor was more than welcoming. I felt somewhat bad as he really liked to talk but I really had a hard time understanding. I made sure to buy us lunch, but it was a long 5 hours.

In Rostov-on-Don I stayed with Olya who had reached out. She had a separate floor for me on a small house a bit outside of the city. The next day she took me out on bike to see a bit of the surrounding area and then on foot into the city. She had hitchhiked all across Asia and had many a story to tell. I spent another day there in the library sorting out visas for Central Asia.

I was late setting off the next day and had a false start out of the city and hit some rain and a flat tire. I decided I should probably do one last registration for my Russian visa anyways and opted to get a hostel by the center. The owner was super excited to have an American there and to hear my ridiculous Russian accent. He had a lot of questions which I tried my best to answer. When he asked if I had a wife and kids I told him “я не думаю” or “I don’t think so.” He ran away laughing to go tell his friends. It was a great place and I spent that Friday night at a couchsurfing event turned dinner, turned bar, turned club. I made it back around 4:30am.

I’d had a good time in Russia. But some things had made me ready to move on. Firstly, you take your shoes off before going inside. This is something quite eastern, but something I’m familiar with in all of Asia. Additionally though, in Russia it’s bad juju to be whistling inside- it can cause you to be poor it’s thought. Apparently I whistle a lot. Sometimes I’m inside. When I go inside I need to take my shoes off, but also ensure I’m not whistling. This is asking a lot of me.

Also, most everyone had treated me with respect and was very generous and helpful. But, outside of St. Petersburg and Moscow, I could usually feel a reservedness and distance from a lot of the people I met. The idea of friendship is also a bit more eastern in that close friends are only those you have for life.

Aside from the bikepacking adventure, I’d basically been following the M4 for the span of Russia. Because of the recent war, there’s only one open border crossing from Russia to Georgia. So, I had about 150km left on the M4 before splitting off onto a lesser highway to the border. I rode a good 170km that day with some good wind and camped. This next road had very little shoulder and much less long distance traffic. I tried hitching for a few hours with a sign that just translated to “this way.” But to no avail. I rode another 60km to the next city and with only 2 days left on my visa and 500km to go, opted to take a train.

Waiting for the train, a father and son came and sat next to me on a bench. They were a little confused to be sitting next to someone in Kropotkin Russia who in fact didn’t speak Russian. But, after about 3 attempts they enthusiastically understood that I was American. They happened to be waiting for the same train in three hours, so I had some very long talks with them. Or rather... The father, Yura, talked at me for a very long time. They shared some vodka with me as it was getting dark. This was the first and last vodka I had and would drink with locals in Russia. Everyone, and I mean damn near everyone drinks beer.

I soon realized how drunk Yura was. He had a leathered skin and fake gold teeth. But his eyes had a sharp vibrancy and resiliency that shined through when he talked. The drunker he got, the less I understood, but of course the more he thought I understood. Some people make it easy with slow speech and gestures. But he was all over the place. I thought he was at one point explaining how hard life in Russia was, but then he’d throw me a goddamn curveball gesture like humping moose antlers... And then I’d be lost in left field again.

Anyways I sipped vodka with Mr. Moose Antlers and boarded the train that night. There was an announcement in Russian on the loudspeaker for the American to board the train which was a bit overwhelming. I was sweaty as hell, but managed some sleep in the bunk I was given.

The next day I rode off and stopped in a bike shop for a spare tube as a dog had ran off with mine a few days earlier. The guys were super nice there and despite my protests gave it to me for free. They also wanted to give me stuff like tires and food. But I needed to get to the border that day.

Riding out of Vladikavkav I finally caught a glimpse of the Caucus mountains. After months of the flatlands, they looked glorious. I hit the border about noontime. I had expected some questioning, as I’d been told by other tourists, and as I would find out later, there was slipping diplomacy between Georgia and Russia. Anyways, the passport officer was very impressed with my “Russian” and asked me for my motorcycle papers. He then popped out of his booth and was more impressed to just see a bicycle. I thought I was in the clear. But unfortunately, his colleague flagged me over to the office.

I was greeted by Putin’s long lost dejected cousin. And Judging by his grimace, I’d reckon maybe his cat had taken a shit in his coffee mug that morning. He asked me a lot of questions about my previous life and what I had done in Russia for the month of “Julember.” I had come up with the bare minimum hotel registrations at one per week. So, Couchsurfing and camping were not things I was keen to disclose as those may not have flown so well under a tourist visa. For my father’s profession I put down Chief Marketing Officer. I then had to do quite a bit of backpedaling to explain that he was not police in order to get him to calm back down. And after about two hours, I was told to go on, just as quickly as I’d been pulled aside.

Overall, Russia was nothing like I expected and everything I did not. Also, it’s a big country... in fact, the biggest. And only having received a month visa very much limited me on route and riding options. But I did feel I got a good glimpse of Western Russia as least... And I got a lot of stares in return 😅

[sukunussy]

i've been thinking a lot about actually using this for some personal writings because i feel like writing it all down might be helpful. i don't know if i believe in journalling or blogging or whatever but i'm sick of just venting to my friends about the same shit over and over and over again so i guess i might as well give it a shot. 

my sleep schedule has been wrecked for weeks. i thought i'd fixed it a few nights ago, but then i stayed up and... yeah, just a mess. so i for some reason only slept 5:30am-8:30am yesterday and then stayed up because i didn't feel tired and kinda didn't wanna sleep through the day; i thought i could power through. so, i stay up, rot in my room for a while because i couldn't make myself go to the kitchen to make myself anything to eat. i just. my stomach was growling, i was hungry, i hadn't had coffee in two days so i was feeling it — but somehow i still just stayed at my desk or in bed til my mom took pity on me and brought me a sandwich. (for context, i'd been telling my fam this whole summer that i needed help eating regular meals because my school crisis mode just fucks with my appetite and i always sleep through breakfast. they haven't really been great about it.)

i got tired at like 6pm yesterday and was lying in bed for a long while just idly scrolling trying to actually sleep. i don't remember when i actually fell asleep, but i woke up at some point to put my computer away and then woke up for good at like 1am, i think? i wanted to go back to sleep initially but then woke up too much to do it so i've been up. decided to start watching good omens, finally, which is the best thing i've taken out of the past two days.

so, i haven't really slept, and i'm awake at like 8:30am when my mom comes into my room. my mom uses my bathroom exclusively even though my room is like a 3 minute walk from her room (which is literally right next to a bathroom) because she's grossed out by the other bathroom for no good reason. there's literally no reason. anyway, she gives me a lot of shit for trying to ask her to knock or wait for me to say "come in" when she comes back to my room, but it's a matter of space and boundaries. she's been overinvolved in my life and invaded my personal space a lot because i was an only child in an abusive household where my dad made it hard for my mom to have friends and alienated her from her family.

anyway, my mom just strolls in looking like she absolutely just woke up and goes into my bathroom. mutters a "good morning" because she's surprised she saw me up and 'attem so early. i was watching good omens, y'know, chill as hell. and i've had this talk with my mom about using the bathroom before — she can use it but don't like sneakily come back to use the bathroom and then expect that i want to sit and chat for an hour. it's my room, it's my time, we don't get along very well and i honestly come back her to just... vegetate. i don't wanna be dealing with her constantly.

naturally, my mom gets out of the bathroom and comes over to me. this entire time i've had the episode paused because i get so on edge when she's in my room like i literally can't focus on anything else until she's gone. she comes over, and i'm like on my side in bed, and starts petting me even though i'm trying not to make eye contact because i want her to leave. i just want her gone, i wanna watch the show and not deal with it. she didn't even knock to come in, knowing that i've been getting up weirdly early the past few days. and she starts trying to ask me what's wrong, but i really don't want to talk about it and i tell her as much.

finally, i tell her i'm mad about her just coming in here and then proceeding to linger exactly how i told her i didn't want her to. and coming over to do the whole physical affection thing when everything in my face and body language was clear about me not wanting any of it. it's been a really long time since i've felt comforted by my mom's physical affection. there are moments when i want a hug but as a rule it makes me feel more uncomfortable than anything. that's a more complicated issue tat i could go on about but back to the narrative. she settles on just saying "there's something wrong with you," and then leaves.

but we're not done!

she comes back this time to try to pry out why i'm mad and it just devolves into our typical fights. i'm mad this summer because i got a grant to plan a research trip abroad and my whole family basically fought me every step of the way because i wanted to go to cuba. i'm cuban, i wanted to go to see if i could do a cuban opera for my senior thesis; of course, cuba is a communist country with an unstable regime/economy, so i'm aware that my going would come with some risks. i knew this!! it wasn't going to be some silly vacation for the 'gram!!! but my family being so like aggressively against the trip plus depression plus summer slump meant the trip didn't happen. i missed my flight, ghosted my airbnb, lost $400, didn't make any plans. this happened at the beginning of june. of course i'm still upset by this. i still don't even really wanna talk about it.

i know i could've still gone if i really set my mind to it. i could've planned. i was just wiped out from the semester and i needed the support from somewhere, anywhere, and i didn't have it. it would've been my first time abroad; it's the first thing i've applied for and gotten while i've been in college, the grant i got. i built it up in my head and for there not even to be the slightest acknowledgement that this is a cool thing that you're doing to fend for yourself and hone your craft and reconnect to a heritage that you're simultaneously entrenched and removed in — no, nothing. just my mom saying "when you leave, i'll say goodbye to you like it's the last time i'll ever see you," and my grandma ganging up on me because a friend of a friend was on her whatsapp telling her that cuba has low supplies of toilet paper.

so i'm feeling really fucked up about this. at least i'm still writing this summer. writing is an outlet i always turn to but never know how to manage in a healthy or productive way. (like how i'm writing this having been up all night instead of getting breakfast.)

we have this stupid fight where my mom just doesn't listen to me — i mention a smaller, addressable issue and she zooms out to her failed marriage, her health problems — oh, wait. i forgot the best part. when she walked in to ask me why i was mad, she actually guilt tripped me at first. "your grandmother is getting ready to go to the doctor's office. have you heard about her test results? [medical stuff] she could die any day now of heart failure. you should go say hi before she leaves." like deadass!!!! really!!! this is how she swings in while i am pointedly not speaking to her.

that was what set me off. i called her out for the guilt tripping because, if she's going to stand there and force a conversation, that's what i had to say. so, i cry, she cries and blubbers — at this point i'm so numb to her reactions that it really just frustrates me when she gets like that, sue me. my patience is just... gone with her. all the patience i have goes toward trying not to raise my voice because then at least i know i have the high ground when she starts raising her voice at me. which. i hate! i really don't do well with yelling! who does?

this fight happens. she leaves sobbing that she's a fuck up, because every fight ends up being about her even when it starts about me. even when i was just trying to get her to understand that her forcing herself into my life and into my space isn't something i'll ever respond well to.

leaves me alone for about... 20 minutes. i start writing this post. since i've started, i shit you not, she's come in three times. first, to plead at my door to let her use my bathroom (she left her hairdryer in there and wants to wash up). after ignoring her for a minute as she gets louder, i just decide to let her in because i don't want her to unlock my door with her key or to stand there crying as if i can't hear her. then she tries to talk to me multiple times while she's in my bathroom doing... whatever she was doing. mind you, i was literally just typing away and not paying attention.

she's called me twice and informed me that she also sent a text message saying she'll help me (now) plan a trip to cuba because she doesn't want me to blame her for this forever. she also just came by to tell me, again, about a random doctor's appointment.

at this point, home just feels unsafe to me. i don't have a quiet place for myself. i've lived alone at school for two years and it's like i'm living in a glass box here where my mom could walk in and watch me at any second. i don't want to talk to her. i don't want to talk to my grandparents, who are dealing with health issues and other family issues and consider me locking myself up in my room as some kind of phase i guess? or a tantrum? no matter the different ways in which i cry for help. i don't want to talk to my dad, because he plays nice for five minutes and then reminds me that he's a fucking raging conservative bigot and that he'll never actually accept me for who i am. i don't even know what home is anymore. it's definitely not school, but it's not here, either.

i just needed to get this out. i'm gonna try to eat and get out of bed and go to a cafe in a bit. gotta shower before i leave the house, it's been a few days. maybe i'll update later.

#personal #andy speaks

[the-daisy-li-blog]

Mid-March Madness

Okay so we’re fully past the middle of March, and it kind of feels like I’m in a bit of a slump. If we just take a step back, and just take a deep breath, and get ready for a sprint. That’s right, in order to turn this whole month around in the space of THIRTEEN DAYS, we need to hit the big, red emergency button and have a full on BRIDGET. JONES. SPRINT. If we were in a movie, this would be the part where inspirational Marvin Gaye music comes on and I go HAYWIRE on a treadmill and in the library. It’s time to be brave, face the consequences and man up. 

Okay, looking backwards at my ‘goals’ for March, here’s what we’re gonna do.

1) What the FUCK happened to ‘Month of Fitness’? Literally, where did that go? Okay so, no excuses. If there is such a day where I am unable to go to the gym because of otherwise obligations, then I am required to do at least half an hour of yoga, stretching, at home-workouts- ANYTHING. This may be a bit of a stretch and also fairly unhealthy, but I think I’m going to try a thing of NO rest days. Make sure you keep updating your Month of Fitness plan.

2) Allocate times this week to working on your Chinese for another phone call to Grandma and Grandad, this time focusing on a time to arrange going over to eat. Ideally try and call Grandma and Grandad THIS Sunday evening.

3) We are working on our sleep this month, I have positively no idea why I am so tired all the time but let’s try set a target of approximately 6 hours of sleep a day, so my goal is to be SETTLED and in bed by 1am and wake up at 7am ready for the gym.

4) Revising; get these MIDTERMS SMASHED. You also need to stop being such a baby and get your A-levels sorted out; this is YOUR doing and you need to prove to everyone you can do it. Get those mindmaps up on your wall!

5) Spending only 20 minutes to get ready, honestly you’ve not been doing too badly with that so see how it goes.

6) Maybe forget about trying to find the Spring weeks, it’s a bit too late for that! Now, all I need to do is focus on preparing for UBS which is only in a FEW weeks.

7) It’s safe to say I am SO HUNGRY THIS MONTH; but at least we know it’s deffo not because of pregnancy, no, I’m just suddenly turning into a whale. This week I need to buy LOTS of snacks to prep myself during library days and try and meal-prep my days out. Look at instagram inspo pages to see how to do this.

8) Skincare routine: not too shabby, keep going and moisturise grrrrl.

Let’s do this BISH. BRIDGET JONES MONTAGE TIIIIIIIIIIIIIIME!

[underthestars0]

January 3, 2018

Soooo. It’s the new year and I have not update you in forever. Nope, I am not dead. But a lot has happened and I couldn’t find the time, nor the strength to write. Now here I am. In Glasgow, in my new flat for the next 5 months and I’m freaking out. Sometimes I’m freaking out because I’m so far from everyone and it scares the crap out of me. Sometimes I’m freaking out because I’m in fucking Scotland for the next 5 months and it’s amazing. It’s the biggest rollercoaster of my entire life and I sure hope it’s going to get better.

I won’t go over everything that happened in details just because the last 2 days could fill up an entire book but here goes nothing.

The 27th, I took it easy in the morning. I started to fill up my suitcase and in the afternoon I got a haircut. I wouldn’t have gone this early because I didn’t feel like my hair was long enough to get it cut just yet but the fact that I wouldn’t be able to get it cut for the next 5 month kind of influenced my decision. I got it cut quite a lot making it reach a little over my shoulders which is perfect for now.

In the evening, my friend came over for our typical movie night and so we caught up, talked a lot about the fact that we were going to miss each other and then we watched movies. It was nice. It also made me go to bed very late which was fine for me just because it allowed me to spend more time with her.

On the 28th during the day I didn’t do much. I hung around, spent time with my family and packed a bit more. In the evening though, it was my Christmas Party with my other 2 best friends. It was nice. We first went out for supper which was great. We ate delicious food and got to catch up because we hadn’t seen each other in over 1 week (that’s unusual for us).

Once back at my friend’s place, we chilled in her bedroom. We drank, talked, put on makeup, played with our hair, filmed a video for my friend’s youtube channel and then we took pictures. We ended up going to bed it was past 2am but I wouldn’t have changed anything about this evening. It was amazing and I was with two of my favorite people. I already miss them both so much in here.

On the 29th, after waking up late, me and the one of the two that wasn’t working decided to go for breakfast. It was more like lunch since we got there at like 1pm but it was nice to get to talk some more. Then, I came back home, showered and got ready for a night out. First, me and my mom (and my brother who joined us later) went out with good friends for supper. It was nice to see them and just take it easy before I leave.

Once back home, I got ready real quit and then I drove to a friend’s. From there, we went to the pub for my leaving party. It was amazing. Most of the people I love showed up and I just enjoyed to see them one last time. The only problem that happened that evening is that the pub closed at 11:30pm for personal reasons, so we had to find a way to drive to another pub. We did it thought and got there for like 1am. We stayed until 3am and took a taxi. I was extremely satisfied with my evening.

On the 30th, I slept in a little and then woke up to my friend making us some waffles. They were good and I said goodbye after eating because I was joining my friend at the cinema. We saw the Greatest Showman and it was amazing. I wouldn’t have chosen any other movie. We said goodbye in my entryway after and I cried a little. For supper, my mom made me my favorite and we ate all of us with my brother’s girlfriend for our last supper together. That was nice. I cried a lot once again but I least I got to hang out with them.

In the morning of the 31st, me and my father went out for breakfast. It was awesome. I had wanted to have a little moment with my father alone for a while and I finally got it. I was happy to be in his company and it allowed me to catch up with him before leaving. I would have taken longer but I took what I could have. In the afternoon I got everything ready and then I got ready for the evening. It was new year’s eve so I went for supper at my parent’s party and then headed to my friend’s party for the evening. It allowed me to see everyone one last time and we had a very good time. We wished everyone a happy new year and I got a lift back home at about 2am.

The next morning was my last day back home. I packed, packed, packed and then I ate one last poutine and left for the airport. Saying goodbye was a mess. I cried, cried and cried and then I did it. I took the place. Buuuuuuut, it got late. Like 2 hours late and my layover was only 1 hours and 20 minutes. So, I freaked out. In the end, they delayed my second flight as well and it all went well. That’s until one of my luggage didn’t show. I panicked again.

I got to the flat then and the little dude showed me around. I kept it together until I got into the room and then I panicked and cried my eyes out. My mom was there for me which was amazing. I went to bed a little, tried to warm the room and then I went out to buy stuff. I took the bus to get there, wanted to take the bus to get back but I ended up buying so much that I had to take an uber. It went well. I unpacked my stuff and spent my entire evening talking to each and every one of my friends one by one. It was great. It made me feel much better. After talking a cold af shower (there was no hot water (I got it fixed this morning)), I went to bed.

Waking up this morning was hard. I’m still completely jet lagged so all I wanted to do was sleep and I so wasn’t hungry. I still went out of bed, watched tv while eating and tried to get to know where my luggage was. In the end, I learned that it’ll be coming over tomorrow which is awesome.

I also ended up going to reception to get answers to all of my questions (like; is it normal that I don’t have hot water?) and then I went to the store again. I got what I was missing and then came back right on time for early supper (I usually eat later than 5pm but because of jetlag I get hungry at random times). So, I ate and then I started to plan stuff for tomorrow which is my first orientation day. It should be nice. I still have to prepare some more and shower and get ready so I’ll leave this at that.

Overall, I don’t think I’ve ever cried as much as I have in the past 2 days but I’m getting better and excited so that’s all that matters. Starting school and meeting people should help and then we’ll see… Five months seems like forever now but I’m pretty sure it’ll pass by crazy fast. So hey, here’s to this crazy adventure and to me, who is now in the UK. That’s crazyyyyyy.

Until next time, L

[mind-racket]

Totality Awesome.

OK, OK…that was cheesy, but I’m just working with the material I have.

As you probably know by now, there was a major eclipse event in this country yesterday. It brought work (an estimated $700 MILLION loss in productivity) and traffic (just wait) to its knees. I had already decided that I was going to take the day off. Something like this doesn’t happen all that often (or maybe it does?), and I just didn’t want to be sitting at work while it was going on.

As of Sunday evening, the plan was to get up early Monday morning and just start driving west. I had checked out Google maps and an eclipse app to see where we could go in order to be a part of totality. I really didn’t care about trying to get to Hopkinsville, where it was supposed to be at MAX totality, because I figured it would be at MAX chaos, as well.

I had a couple of places in mind, but hadn’t locked anything down. I was going to do that after finally watching the Game of Thrones episode that HBO had accidentally leaked days earlier and apparently everyone on the internet had seen but me. But then…a bat happened. I wrote about it Sunday night, but that little bloodsucker disrupted our whole evening, and in doing so, messed with our Monday morning, too.

I was pretty bummed out when I went to bed Sunday night, seeing as how it was about 1am, and I figured we needed to get up pretty early in order to get where we needed to be. I decided that maybe an extra hour of sleep would be better than an extra hour of driving, so the alarm was set for 7, but I was starting to doubt we’d even leave town.

My attitude was about the same Monday morning. I was still bummed that we’d been kept up so late the night before, and Becky honestly didn’t seem overly excited about the eclipse, especially since we didn’t have any glasses. But as I laid there Monday morning, feeling the urge that often takes me over in situations like these and causes me to opt for comfort over adventure, I decided to fight that urge. I figured, what the fuck…we will just drive as far as we can, and hopefully things will just work out.

We ended up leaving the house about 8:30am, and after a few unsuccessful stops in Morehead to try and find some eclipse glasses, we were on the road. There were several pee stops along the way…we are both taking a water pill…but traffic was pretty mild until we got to the mess of a junction that is Elizabethtown. I could see by my Google maps app that once we got past that snarl, the Parkway was all “green” headed west, and after crawling along for a bit, we were on the move again.

A little ways down the road, we needed to make another pee stop, and it gave me a chance to check the map. I had plugged in Central City as a destination, because I knew it was inside the totality zone, but I honestly didn’t know if we’d go that far. We were about an hour away, with about an hour-and-a-half left before totality, and I figured we were bound to get in some more traffic as we got closer to some more towns.

But, seeing as how we still had no glasses, I figured we pretty much had no choice but to find a spot where it would be total, and despited that “safety valve” urge trying to kick in again, I just knew it would be a shame to be so close to totality and not push to try and get there. So when we got on the road again, I got to trucking.

When we got off at the Central City exit, it was about 40 minutes until totality. I figured maybe we could find a parking lot of a Dollar General or something, and hope that it wasn’t overflowing. As luck would have it, right off the exit, there was a spot with two gas stations/convenient stores with a large gravel lot right in between them. In that lot was about 10-15 cars with folks sitting in their camp chairs staring up at the sky, and there was plenty of extra room. I knew we’d found our spot.

We pulled in, and I set about getting the camera ready. I’d read that it was important to have everything ready to go before it starts, because it is over before you know it, and you don’t want to be fighting with your gear. Meanwhile, Beck and I kept fighting the urge to look up and catch a glance of it…it was just so tempting!…and every time one of us would catch a reflection off the car window our the cell phone, we’d fret that we’d just done permanent eye damage! It was about that time that I discovered that I ended up not bringing (or losing somewhere) the piece that screws on to my camera and allows it to be mounted on the tripod. So…shit. 20 minutes to go.

I knew time was winding down, so I tried to come up with some sort of makeshift setup using an extra shirt wadded up on the car hood, but it was half-assed at best. Meanwhile, it just kept getting darker. I saw someone describe it as the “silver light”, and that’s honestly the best description. It was dark, but there was something almost akin to the brightest moonlight you’d ever seen, giving everything this silvery glow. We were both amazed at how even with just a sliver of the sun showing, it stayed amazingly bright. 10 minutes to go.

As the totality was approaching, Becky was sad that we didn’t have glasses, but I was trying to comfort her by saying that where we were, when it made it to totality, we wouldn’t need glasses. That’s why we drove that far. I could tell she was skeptical, though. After all, she remembers the incident with the living room floor heater (another story for another day). But I reassured her that I’d read it was safe. We just needed to wait for totality. 5 minutes to go.

We had a makeshift pinhole box set up, so we were able to sort of track the progress through it. Suddenly, and very quickly, the darkness got more pronounced, and the light even more “silvery”. It was starting to happen, and I was scrambling around trying to get the camera ready…trying to get my phone ready…trying not to look straight up at it now to see what it looked like. 2 minutes to go.

There was not a big lot of people there in the parking lot, but it had swelled a bit since we showed up. I’d say between the 2 stores and the gravel lot, there may have been 50 or so folks, but I may be way over (or under) estimating that crowd. However many it was, suddenly, a buzz emerged as the light started fading even faster. 1 minute to go.

I couldn’t stand it…I had to look up. Diamond ring phase! Holy shit, that IS intense light! Don’t look long…ok…now check again real fast…oh! was that Bailey’s Beads? A cheer goes up in the crowd…Becky tells me that the light is completely gone inside the pinhole box…and I tell her to look up…TOTALITY!

It. Was. Amazing.

We stared at it for a bit, just looking at the corona around that black disc in the sky. The pictures I have don’t show it well, so I color adjusted them a bit, but it was really more of a silvery blue color than it was golden. All I know is, it was beautiful. I grabbed my camera and tried to set it up for a few bracketed shots, but the shirt was not a good tripod, so I just tried to do some handheld shots. What I ended up doing was exactly what some of the articles I read about photographing it said NOT to do, which was to get so caught up in trying to take the photos that you forget to just be in the moment. And even though I did get a good look at totality, afterwards, I wished I’d just pitched the camera in the back seat and stared at the sky for the whole time. Within about 30 seconds, light started breaking from the other side of the moon, and totality was over. But man…how beautiful it was.

We both enjoyed seeing it SO much more than we even thought we would, and we both agreed that we understood how folks could become “eclipse junkies”, trying to seek out that shadow wherever it falls on the earth. It was just so special to be in that moment, even if I wasn’t fully in that moment like I should have been.

As the sun started to emerge again, Becky mentioned again that she wished we’d had glasses, and I suggested that since it was over, maybe she could go ask someone to borrow theirs, just to take a peek. I figured that most of them would be leaving soon anyway, and what did they need to hang on to them for? Maybe someone would just give us theirs. And give them they did. She asked a young man who was there with his kid if she could take a look, and he just gave her both pairs. It was awfully nice of him.

I figured, this is really just the same eclipse, just going in the other direction, so it will still be cool to look through the glasses. So look we did, for several minutes. It was neat to see it through those lenses, but we both agreed that seeing it without them was just way cooler. When we’d looked enough, we decided it was time to go. There was a couple that had been beside us, and they didn’t have glasses either, but they took off before we could offer them a chance to take a peek. We were wishing we’d caught them before they split, so I took a look around the lot, and I noticed a man, woman, and a few kids at the back of a car, just sort of looking around but not looking up.

They just sort of reminded me of what we must have looked like…looking all around, but not really looking up until it was safe…but knowing you were missing out on something. Beck handed me her pair, and I walked across the lot towards them. They spotted me coming towards them, and as I got closer, I asked if they had any glasses. They said that they didn’t, and I said, “well, here you go!”. They seemed awfully excited to get them, and I explained to them that we didn’t have them when we got there either…someone else had been kind enough to pass them along to us as they left, and we were leaving now, so we didn’t really need to take them with us. I really can’t explain it, but there was something about that moment that was as meaningful to me as the totality and brought me almost as much joy. It was as if there for a few minutes, we were all just humans again…not Hillary voters or Trump voters…just people helping people and enjoying the hell out of something awesome. I think we need more of those moments.

When I got back to the car, we talked for a minute about heading out, but first, I pulled up Yelp to see if there were any good food options around. The cellular data had been spotty all day, but for that moment, it worked just fine…long enough for us to make a horrible decision…and would barely work for most of the rest of the day…when we really needed it the most.

But that’s enough for tonight.

I’ll talk about that decision tomorrow.