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everseeking · 4 years

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Hi! Is it okay to ask for a Levi smutxfluff where he's benched from injuring his leg but it's getting a lot better. His fem! S/o is part of his squad and he gets the report that she was in a life threatening situation but she made it safe and he's waiting for the scouts to return. He waits for them and doesn't know what to feel fjejfjs im sorry this is hella long!!! Also no manga spoilers/references please

- hello !! thank you so much for requesting ! that’s totally okay and don’t apologize for the length, it helped me out having details :) there aren’t any manga spoilers or references, but there are season 2 spoilers in case anyone hasn’t finished it yet. i hope you enjoy and thank you again for requesting <3

relief

- levi ackerman x reader

- warnings: season two spoilers, nsfw contains smut; hand job, oral (giving), fingering, cream pie, slight overstimulation but not much, AFAB!reader

once again, levi injured his damn leg.

after being temporarily handicapped from his leg injury when he initially fought the female titan, he made a personal vow to never let an injury like that happen to him again. it was a major setback and seriously hindered his abilities. but unfortunately, titans makes no promises.

it was during an expedition, of course, and things were taking a turn for the worst. levi was unaware that his squad would be needed on an expedition the next day, so he kept them up late the night before to polish their skills as much as possible. during the mission, it was clear they could barely keep their eyes open.

levi was extremely stressed out, worrying about his team as well as what he was going to say to erwin later when he yelled at the commander for such a late notice on the mission. for now, the captain had to make up for much of his team's slack. as much as the kids wanted to put up an argument when he flew in and stole their prey, they kept their mouths shut. there was no way they could’ve finished the job on their own and knew their protests weren't worth it, as it felt kind of wrong to argue with someone who was saving their lives.

it was brutal work since he too was bordering onto exhaustion, but levi pushed through and helped his team clean up the last hoard of titans. just when he thought he was in the clear, a titan came up on sasha and tried to grab her. if he had gone any slower to finding her, he wouldn’t have been able to save her. but thankfully, levi was able to use the last bit of his gas all at once to throw himself forward and push her out of the way.

he seriously couldn’t catch a break as this resulted in him getting himself caught in the titan's grip. his blades weren't drawn prior to being grabbed so cutting himself out was impossible. the giant had levi's entire lower half engulfed in its hand. if his second in command hadn’t been there he would have for sure been a goner.

it was y/n’s turn to play hero, as she flew in and swiftly sliced the titan's nape, freeing not only her captain but also her partner from definite doom.

levi wished he could say it was a clean save, but he couldn't deny the bone crunching he heard below him. they arrived back home in one piece with only levi's broken leg to report.

so not only had he injured his leg again, but it was worse than his sprained ankle from the forest. the captain was even more upset when the medics informed him that he had to be benched for six weeks. that meant no physical activity for six weeks. yes, that includes sex.

over the course of his healing, there were many times when he claimed to be okay so he could accompany his team on expeditions, only to be rushed back to bed by his colleagues. many people even urged y/n to nail down the door to her and levi’s shared room in order to keep him trapped in there. y/n laughed off the idea, not even considering it because she knew levi would only feel more tempted to break out. a few nails wouldn’t stop him. the only thing he could say he enjoyed about his time off was having y/n as his "personal nurse," when she wasn’t off with the rest of the team. she still had to stop things from getting too heated every now and then.

“doctor’s orders !” she’d always say as she stopped a heated make out session or after he had tried to pull her into his lap.

when it came to more domestic care, levi hated having her watch after him. he definitely appreciated it, but the last thing he wanted was to be a burden to her. he wasn’t just burdening her with his personal care, but also the burden of the entire team since she would be his replacement for the time being. many times he tried to wave off his partner and tell her he could manage on his own before he finally told her he didn’t want to have to rely on her. he was surprised when she brushed back the hair in front of his forehead to kiss his forehead, whispering that she wanted to take care of him and help him.

finally, he had reached the sixth week and was ready to hit the sky again. the morning of the latest mission, y/n noticed levi had a bit of a pep in his step as he prepared to venture outside the walls for the first time in a few weeks. she giggled at his poor attempts to get excited since he wasn't the best at expressing his emotions, but she felt a little guilty since she didn't have the heart to tell him that he was once again sitting this one out.

hanji had pulled y/n aside the night before and broken the news to her. she explained that although his road to recovery had been going well, he needed to take one more week to ensure that he was completely healed. it hurt y/n’s heart a little bit to hear this. over the last few weeks she watched her partner practically counting down the days until his return, so she made sure to tell hanji that she wouldn't be the one breaking the news to him.

hanji also knew how restless her friend was and wasn't sure if she would comeback alive after telling him the news, so she waited until the last possible second to tell him. literally, word got around that it was time to make the final preparations before heading off when she pulled him aside and told him.

he was enraged to say the least. he grabbed the front of hanji's shirt and pulled her down to his level as he began to chew her out in front of everyone. the soldiers awkwardly shuffled past the two, definitely not wanting to get involved. it wasn't until y/n came and informed the two of them that it was time to go when he finally let go of her. hanji laughed nervously and decided to give the couple one last minute of alone time as she headed back to her squad.

there was a lot they wanted to say to each other, levi wanting to tell y/n to be careful and y/n wanting to apologize for not telling him sooner, but they both knew this wasn't the time for a conversation. y/n put on a determined face and told him that she would do her best to lead the team in his place, offering him a salute, then headed over to join the others.

levi was super bummed. he waited behind and watched as the horses left to make their way towards the outer walls before he sulked to himself and retreated back to his quarters to finish the less exciting side of his job; paperwork.

it had been a few hours since the cadets had left that morning, so the golden sunlight that was now pouring through levi's windows notified him that they should be back any minute now. he stood up from his small desk and stretched his back that had started to stiffen up from sitting in his chair for the last few hours. many nights had been spent sleeping in the same chair, but he swore it was more comfortable sleeping in it than doing paperwork it in.

he took a look around the room and saw the rays of sun illuminated the dust particles floating through the air. it annoyed him to say the least, as he had yet to find a way to clean the air. for now, he would settle for sweeping the room one last time. just as he was pulling a broom out of the closet, a hard knock came from his door.

"captain levi ?" a young soldier called from the other side. levi was slightly annoyed that he was being interrupted, but he managed to keep the ‘this better be important,’ thoughts to himself.

he placed the broom back in the closet and made his way to the door. upon opening it, he saw the distressed look on the soldier's face.

"what is it ?" levi pryed, not really sure what to expect at this point.

the soldier straightened up and cleared his throat. "the first group from today's expedition has arrived with a report. the rest of the scouts are on their way back now, but i was told to hand you the part of the report that regards the condition of your team." the boy held out the paper in his hand for his superior to take.

levi practically ripped the paper out of the soldier’s hand, causing him to flinch a little, but it was understandable. a million scenarios were playing through levi’s mind about what could have happened. he feared that once again he had lost his entire squad and had to start all over again. it was a pain he never wanted to live through again, especially since his lover was apart of his team this time.

his eyes quickly scanned the clearly hastily scribbled words, searching for words like death, killed, and eaten. the was almost at the end of the page when he realized he hadn’t heard anything terrible yet. eren ended up not needing the use his titan form, mikasa had another impressive kill streak, armin and connie were in a bit of a predicament but got out fine, and jean and sasha were safe too. the only one that had been yet to mentioned was y/n.

in an attempt to distract a group of titans from one of her fellow soldiers whose ODM gear was malfunctioning, y/n l/n used herself as bait. she was successful in saving the soldiers life, but one of the titans caught ahold of one of her gear’s cables and she was thrown to the ground. l/n was found unconscious by armin arlert and she is currently being watched until the group arrives and she can be transported to the infirmary for a full check up.

levi’s heart sank deeper and deeper into his stomach with every word he read. y/n was always putting others first regardless of how dangerous a situation was. she was selfless to a fault. he warned her many times that something like this would happen, but she never listened. her heart would never let her not help someone in need. it was one of the things he loved about her the most.

the awkward shuffling of the messenger soldier’s feet brought levi back to reality. before waving him off, levi asked if there was any more information than what was shared in the report, but he shook his head.

the soldier finally left, leaving levi frozen in the middle of his room. the report was too vague for him to know what to think or do.

how high was she from the ground when she fell ? did she just get knocked out ? or did she hit her head hard enough to cause internal bleeding ?

the thought that her current condition could be much different from the report also crossed his mind. y/n was stated to only be unconscious, but she could have gotten worse since.

there’s no point in pondering the what-ifs, he reminded himself, but it was easier said than done. he moved over to his neatly tucked bed and sat down on the edge of it, resting his elbows on his knees and holding his head in his hands.

he didn’t know what he would do if he lost her. what the team would do if they lost her. before he could fall back into his dark thoughts about his partner’s condition, a large commotion came from outside alerting him that the cadets were back.

with a small stumble as he jumped up from his bed, levi sprinted out of his room to go outside. there were already a lot of people crowding around the carts and horses, so he did his best to slip past them all. the people in the way that had managed to see his face instantly moved aside, not wanting to anger the captain after seeing the intense look on his face.

after making his way to the front of the crowd, levi scanned the area in search of y/n, having no luck until he heard a familiar voice yelling ‘captain.’

his eyes met with eren’s who was waving frantically in order to flag down his captain who was now quickly making his way over to the group.

“she’s alright,” the titan shifter called out over the other voices in the crowd. levi didn’t want to get his hopes up as he wasn’t sure how accurate eren’s words were, but regardless, a wave of relief came over him.

as he pulled up next to the cart they were sitting in, levi also met armin, who nodded in agreement with what eren was saying. the blond opened his mouth to add onto what his friend had said, when he was interrupted.

“where’s levi ?”

hearing his partner’s voice almost brought levi to his knees. the weight of not knowing her condition finally fell off his shoulders. he peered over the side of the cart to see y/n laying on the ground on her back with a white bandage wrapped around her entire head. her face instantly lit up when she saw him.

the girl jumped up and threw herself onto the captain, wrapping her arms around his neck in a tight hug. if this were any other situation he would’ve told her to get off of him, but right now he allowed himself to wrap one arm around her back and placed his free hand on the back of her head, pulling her closer to him.

levi couldnt bring himself to scold her for being too rough while she was injured. instead, he sighed and hugged her tighter.

“thank god you’re okay,” he breathed out against her hair. he felt her smile widen as she nuzzled her head deeper into the crook of his neck.

after the two finally pulled apart from each other, levi immediately took y/n to the infirmary where they confirmed she only had a minor concussion.

the moment they entered their shared room for the night, levi pulled y/n in for another hug. she graciously accepted, wrapping her tired arms around his middle.

he pulled back and brought up a hand to brush her hair away from her face so he could place a soft kiss on her forehead where her bandages previously were.

y/n placed her hands on levi’s cheeks and gently pulled his face down so she could plant a kiss on his lips. levi eagerly kissed back and began taking careful steps backwards to lead her onto the bed.

they now sat on the edge of the bed and kiss turned more passionate, with y/n opening her mouth to swipe her tongue across levi's lower lip asking for entrance into his mouth. he eagerly accepted, greeting her tongue with his own as they made out.

without breaking the kiss, y/n carefully straddled herself onto levi's lap taking extra care to not put too much pressure on his healing leg. however, her plans became a lost cause when he grabbed her hips to meet his. her eyes widened as she felt his bulge between her legs. tension built up in her core as she instinctively rolled her hips forward to grind herself against his clothed crotch.

it was levi's turn for his eyes to widen as a wave of pleasure swept across his body. he broke the kiss to meet his partner's lustful eyes as she recoiled her hips back once again to bring herself more pleasure. he sharply inhaled before kissing her deeply one last time before throwing her off his lap.

y/n flopped down on the bed next to him, laughing, but she took the hint and started undressing herself like he did. once their clothes were in a messy heap on the floor, levi took a moment to pull her head close to him so he could kiss the side of it, worried he had only made her concussion worse when he threw her off of him moments ago.

“are you okay ?” he pressed, lips still against her head.

y/n laughed and placed her hand on top of his that was on the side of her head. “i told you a million times that im okay, my love.”

“and i’ll ask you a million more times just to be sure,” he replied, pulling back.

as he moved away, y/n grabbed the sides of his face and pulled him in for another deep kiss. one of the captain's hands placed itself on the small of her back to pull her closer while the other felt around behind her looking for the bed. once he gripped the sheets, he brought the hand up to the other side of her back and took a step to turn his own back towards the bed, then fell onto it, pulling y/n down with him so she would land on top of him.

he cringed as he remembered her concussion and quickly asked if she was okay, only for her to laugh once again and reassure him she was fine. before levi could ask anymore questions or make anymore quips, she returned her lips to his. their tongues explored each other’s mouths, searching every inch of each other’s caverns.

she pulled her lips away from his to smile at him while she slowed her breathing. the sight alone was enough to make levi fall in love all over again. her messy h/c hair fell perfectly, combined with her eyes filled with pure adoration from looking at him and the goofy smile that was on her lips. no one had ever looked at him the way she had. his eyes tore apart from hers and trailed down to see the rest of her body.

"you're absolutely perfect," he whispered, just loud enough for y/n to hear as he took in every curve on her body. levi thanked the stars that the moon was bright enough tonight to let him see the soft pink hue that spread across her cheeks as he complimented her.

she leaned in close to his ear and whispered "as are you," back to him. each movement of her lips tickled against his earlobe. it sent a shiver down his spine. y/n shifted her body weight so that she was now sitting up and straddling his lap once again. her right hand met his strong chest, then dragging down to his toned abdomen followed by his lower stomach.

y/n scooted back so she could get a full view of his hardened cock. her index finger traced a straight line from the base of his member to the tip. it took a lot of self control for levi keep himself from shuddering as her nail softly grazed the side of his cock.

levi propped himself up with his elbows. to get a good look at what she was doing. he watched as her hand went back to the base of his shaft and her fingers wrapped around it. she started slowly pumping him, resulting in his breaths becoming deeper. he closed his eyes for a mere second when a new wave of pleasure swept across him that made his eyes roll back in his head.

y/n had lowered her face and began sucking on just the head of his cock while her hand's pace quickened. her cheeks hollowed out from the pressure of sucking his tip and he fisted one of his hands into her hair. he didn't push her head down, rather, he gripped it to stimulate pleasure for her as well as to let her know he was enjoying what she was doing.

she hummed against him and started to incorporate her tongue as she swirled it around his head, which sent yet another wave of pleasure throughout his body. when y/n added her free hand to the mix, using it to fondle his balls, the stimulation almost became too much for levi to stand. he used the fist in her hair to pull her off him and up to his face.

a small dribble of spit leaked out of the corner of her mouth. before y/n had a chance to wipe it, levi was pulling her forward and swiping his tongue against her mouth to lick it off, then planted open mouth kisses down her face and up her jawline until he reached her neck where began to suck her skin and create a few hickeys. she slowly leaned her head back to give him better access to her neck.

she said a silent thank you when she realized the marks were placed just low enough to be hidden by the collar of her white shirt so no one would know a thing the next day. everyone already freaked out enough when they found out y/n and levi were a couple.

without removing his lips from her neck, levi lifted y/n from her hips then moved one of his hands to feel the folds of her pussy. she was soaking wet, so all her had to do was cover his index and middle fingers with his slick before he slowly slid them both inside of her. a low moan came from y/n’s parted lips as levi’s fingers went deeper inside of her.

he pumped them slowly, reaching deeper each time until he was knuckles deep into her core. when he curled his fingers to hit her g-spot, she had had enough.

“inside of me...i need you inside of me levi,” y/n moaned, digging her nails into his back. levi laughed to himself at how desperate his lover had become from just his fingers. it was clear to him that he needed to avoid any injuries that could put a halt to his sex life at all costs from now on.

he pulled his wet fingers out of her and gripped his cock, making sure to cover it with her juices that were still on his fingers so it would be easier to push inside of her, then positioned himself with her entrance. y/n moaned once again as his tip rubbed against her folds before sliding into her. she sharply inhaled as his head entered her. levi gave her a moment to signal that she was ready before thrusting deeper inside of her. after a few weeks of abstinence, y/n needed a bit longer to get adjusted.

after about a minute, levi was able to thrust his hips up and push his full length inside of her as she dug her nails deeper into his back. he knew it was payback for him marking up her neck when she broke her hazy gaze to give him a smirk. just for that, he pulled himself almost completely out of her, then thrusted balls deep back into her, hard.

y/n’s hand flew off her partner’s back and onto her mouth to stifle the loud moan that almost escaped. she shot him a fake glare and he returned the smirk she had given him earlier. levi wanted nothing more than to hear her call out his name loudly, but it wasn’t worth the harassment he’d face from his colleagues the next day.

after she had composed herself, y/n removed her hand from her mouth and placed it on her partner’s bicep. he stopped thrusting into her, knowing she wanted to take over. just like he had thought, y/n started to rock her hips so she was grinding on him much like she had done whilst they were still clothed.

the pleasure was much more enjoyable now that he was inside her. each time she rolled her hips forward, his cock hit her cervix. now it was levi’s turn to stifle a moan, as y/n road him into ecstasy. his grip on her hips increased which most definitely left yet another mark on her skin.

the fact that y/n was biting her lower lip also didn’t go unnoticed by the captain. whenever she did this it was a sure fire way of telling him she was close to her release. he wrapped one arm around her back and in a swift motion flippped both of them over so that y/n was on her back and he was hovering over her.

she let out a small squeal at his sudden shift and wanted to scold him for not being careful with his leg, but her words were lost as he snapped his hips against hers. she once again went to cover her mouth to avoid her moans escaping, but levi’s hands interlocking with her own prevented her from doing so. he gave both her hands a quick squeeze before going back to thrusting himself into her. her eyes stayed trained on his, while his watched the way she engulfed his cock. it drove him so crazy she could feel him twitch inside of her. he high was near, but there was no way he was going to let himself finish before his partner.

he focused more on his thrusts, moving his hips better so he would hit her g-spot harder with each thrust. the way he rolled his hips to meet her core finally sent her over the edge. he kissed her deeply as she moaned against his lips while he continued to ride out her climax. even after she had come down from her high, levi kept thrusting into her, chasing his own release.

the overstimulation was enough to send her over the edge again, this time being joined by his own release. he let out a low grunt as he finished inside of her painting her inner walls with his cum.

levi pumped into y/n three more times before he stopped and fell onto her chest, not even bothering to pull out. after six weeks of no sex, their orgasms were both super intense.

“maybe we should wait another six weeks before our next round if it’s gonna be that good again,” y/n teased.

levi’s head shot up so he could see her face. y/n bust out laughing when he finally realized she was kidding. levi rolled his eyes and pushed himself off her so he could slide out of her.

the mix of their juices that escaped her as he unsheathed his cock from her made his member twitch back to life, becoming hard again.

“or i guess we could go again right now,” y/n added after sitting up herself and seeing his hard on.

levi smiled and pushed her back down gently then hovered over top of her once again.

“that’s more like it.”

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joachimnapoleon · 3 years

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Meet the Bonapartes--Louis (3/4)

I left off with Part 2 of this an embarrassingly long time ago, but I'm trying to make it a habit of finishing more of the things I start, so I don't want to leave this hanging. So, one year later, here is Part 3 of my write-up on Louis Bonaparte, and I promise Part 4 will not have a similar gap in between.

(Part 1) (Part 2)

***

Louis had been sincere in his declaration, upon accepting the throne of Holland, that he had "become Dutch." He immersed himself in Dutch culture, encouraged his Dutch courtiers to wear their traditional clothing at court balls, and tried to learn and speak Dutch--sometimes with comedic results, such as when he declared himself the Konijn (rabbit), rather than Koning (king) of Holland. His subjects appreciated his efforts nonetheless.

They also appreciated the initiative Louis showed when tragedy struck early in his reign. On 12 January 1807, a ship bearing hundreds of barrels of gunpowder exploded in the Dutch city of Leiden, blowing up hundreds of buildings and killing 150 people, and injuring thousands. Louis immediately left for Leiden and oversaw the recovery efforts, earning him the nickname "Louis the Good" from a grateful populace.

[Aftermath of the Leiden explosion, by Johannes Jelgerhuis]

Louis began his reign with a flurry of activity, writing to Napoleon to request a number of measures intended to favor his new subjects. He requested a reduction in the number of French garrisons in the kingdom, a new treaty of commerce with France, and the right to choose his own men for his Royal Guard. Napoleon granted these, but refused his brother's request for a loan, arguing that the expenses of France were so great that he was unable to give Louis any money.

The Dutch climate negatively impacted Louis's perpetually delicate health from the beginning, but he rarely left the country for much-needed stays at health resorts; this was especially true later in his reign after his relationship with Napoleon had deteriorated so badly that Louis began to fear that he might be deposed in his absence.

That deterioration did not take long to commence. Napoleon began finding fault with Louis's reign almost from the beginning. Napoleon had intended for Louis to play a key role in the 1806 campaign against Prussia, and was seriously disappointed with his brother's sluggish movements and lack of cooperation with Marshal Mortier during the campaign. When, towards the end of the campaign, Louis balked at attempting to seize Hanover in spite of his greatly superior numbers, Napoleon's displeasure with his younger brother was complete. But Napoleon still took care to preserve Louis's reputation; Louis's forfeiture of his command to Mortier and subsequent return to Holland were attributed to bad health, and further territory from Napoleon's conquests was added to Louis's kingdom. Returning to his kingdom, Louis received a hero’s welcome.

If Napoleon was irritated with Louis's conduct during the campaign, Louis, in turn, was angered by the retention of Dutch troops in Germany after the war, commanded by a French general; this, in Louis's eyes, was proof that he was to be little more than a puppet-king. His flagging health notwithstanding, Louis spent the winter working to further assert his independence by implementing public works projects, reorganizing his kingdom's administration and law code, and creating his own military orders, the Order of Union and the Order of Merit. A major point of contention arose between Louis and Napoleon when Louis announced that he intended to introduce the rank of marshal into the Dutch army and navy. Napoleon wrote to him scornfully on 2 January 1807:

Do you think a French general of division would take orders from your Dutch marshals? You are aping French organization, though your circumstances are utterly different. Why not begin by establishing the conscription and having a real army?

He followed it up more bluntly and concisely a week later: "There is nobody in Holland fit to hold such high rank." Louis viewed this as an insult and persisted in implementing the rank, until Napoleon finally ordered him to abolish it as one of numerous conditions to which Louis was forced to concede in early 1810 in order to retain his kingdom. On the subject of conscription, Louis would successfully resist its implementation, despite Napoleon's repeated demands, to the end of his reign.

Louis's relationship with his wife, meanwhile, remained fraught. Hortense had stayed with her mother, the Empress Josephine, during the campaign, and did not return to the Hague until months after her husband, prompting a quarrel. Mutual recriminations abounded: Hortense was upset over Louis's attentions to a Dutch lady at court; Louis, in turn, complained of Hortense's conduct. Napoleon became aware of the conflict and wrote reprovingly to his brother:

You have the best and most virtuous of wives, and you make her miserable. Let her dance as much as she likes; it is only right at her age. I have a wife of forty, and from the battlefield I write to her that she must go to balls; and with a wife who is only twenty and naturally wishes to live her life and has still some of the illusions of youth, you want her to live as if she were in a convent, or to be busy always like a nurse with her children? You yourself are too much shut up in your study and not about enough in public business. I would not say all this unless I thought so much of you. Make the mother of your children happy. You have only one way of doing this, and that is by showing her a great deal of esteem and confidence.

Louis was stung, and protested to Napoleon that he was being misrepresented to the Emperor by rumormongers. The domestic quarrels continued, as did the gossip they inspired at the Dutch court.

The estranged royal couple suffered a severe blow with the unexpected death of their eldest son, Napoleon Charles. The boy, who had been regarded by the still childless Napoleon as the heir to the Empire, had fallen ill in late April 1807. Louis frantically summoned numerous physicians to tend to the child; multiple remedies were attempted; but all without success. The four-year-old child died at midnight on the 5th of May. Hortense was almost insensible with grief and had to be taken away from the palace. Caroline Murat arrived soon to be at Hortense's side, followed shortly thereafter by Josephine. Hortense eventually left to take the waters in the Pyrenees, and Napoleon gave Louis permission to leave his kingdom to join her in early June. At the end of the summer, Josephine arranged for Hortense, who was still very unwell, to remain with her while Louis returned to Holland. Their younger son, Napoleon Louis, remained with Josephine at Fontainebleau as well. This tragedy drew Hortense and Louis together in their shared grief, but the reunion was short-lived.

[Queen Hortense with Napoleon Charles]

Before Louis's return to Holland, he had argued over political matters with Napoleon. The Emperor wanted more troops from Holland; Louis replied that he could not afford to raise them, due to his kingdom's economy suffering from the recently enacted Berlin Decree, which prohibited all trade with England. But Napoleon was unwilling to grant any concessions on this subject, and it would ultimately be Louis's inability--which Napoleon would interpret as unwillingness--to enforce the ban on English trade, that would spell Louis's downfall.

The 1809 war brought Louis's kingdom under threat from attack by the English, who intended for an expedition to seize Antwerp. Antwerp, however, was a French fortress, and as such, Louis was technically not allowed to interfere with it; but his warnings to Napoleon of its vulnerabilities went unheeded. Louis pleaded with Napoleon that his entire kingdom was defenseless due to Napoleon sending Dutch divisions off to Spain and Westphalia; Louis was left with fewer than 9,000 soldiers in Holland. Napoleon refused to reinforce Louis and downplayed the English threat; when the invasion actually occurred, he then blamed Louis for it. Invoking his title as Grand Constable of France in order to take command of the French troops, Louis set to work arming his fortifications and extending river defenses. On the 16th of August, he handed over command of the forces at Antwerp to Marshal Bernadotte. The English expedition ultimately floundered, out of a combination of disease and incompetence.

Napoleon, rather than thanking or lauding Louis for his efforts, blasted him in his correspondence. Louis was told that his office of Grand Constable was purely civil and honorary and gave him no right to command French troops. He questioned how Louis could expect anyone to respect Holland's independence when he refused to provide a larger army and navy for its defense. Without a larger army, his kingdom was a farce.

Louis protested that he was being treated unjustly. He had already heard whispers that Napoleon was planning to annex Holland to France, and garrison it with French troops. As he would soon learn, these were more than just whispers. By late 1809, Napoleon had not only lost faith in Louis, but had come to suspect his brother of disloyalty. In the Emperor’s mind, his brother was far too sympathetic to the Dutch nobility, whom Napoleon distrusted for their ties to the English. Nor did Napoleon appreciate Louis's attachment to the Dutch people and his insistence on promoting Dutch culture at every turn. But above all, Napoleon could not abide his brother's failure to enforce the blockade against English trade; this, in the words of biographer Michael Broers, "was the issue that turned incapacity into treason in his mind." Napoleon was determined that his Continental System be upheld at all costs; he was not oblivious to the suffering this would entail, as he made it clear to Louis in one particularly menacing letter:

Make searches and seize English goods, and [then] my customs men will respect your territory. If you don't do it, I will, as is my right.... The blockade will ruin many commercial cities, Lyon, Amsterdam, Rotterdam, but this state of anxiety must be got over; it must go on to the end.

The efforts of smugglers and corrupt/patriotic police notwithstanding, the blockade wreaked havoc on the commercial cities, just as Napoleon had anticipated. Writes Broers:

Amsterdam plunged into harrowing decline in every sense. Emigration caused by the collapse of commerce was compounded by the spread of diseases related to poverty, reducing its population from 202,000 in 1808, to little more than 180,000 by 1815. Its shipyards, which had employed 2,000 men in 1800, had barely 500 by 1808. Empty towns stood in ruins, while shanty towns along the canals swelled. Poverty was manifest in the city, and even the number of taverns declined. The local system of poor relief and charity that Louis had inherited from the old republic was stretched to the breaking point by the unprecedented speed and scale of Napoleon's manufactured crisis; it is estimated that between 30 and 40 per cent of the population of Amsterdam depended on poor relief by 1809.

And yet Napoleon remained displeased with his brother's enforcement of the blockade, and was convinced that Louis was deliberately acting to thwart him. When the entire imperial family was summoned to Paris in December 1809 for what would be the announcement of Napoleon's divorce and ensuing re-marriage plans, Louis suspected--rightly--that he might be walking into an ambush. He warned his ministers that he might be coerced into signing documents against his will, and that they were to only regard documents signed with his Dutch name--Lodewijk--as valid. In the event of an attempted French occupation of the country, his commanders were to offer a passive resistance, bringing their men inside their fortresses, closing their gates, and raising their drawbridges.

Napoleon welcomed Louis to Paris coldly; at their second meeting, he told him frankly that he intended to annex Holland, and that if Louis resisted, he would find himself at war with France. "Holland," he said, "is nothing but an English colony, more hostile to France than England herself. I mean to eat up Holland!"

In a bid to keep his kingdom, Louis pleaded for a compromise, and demonstrated a willingness to make concessions, including increased enforcement of the blockade and a ceding of territory. Napoleon sent orders to suspend Oudinot's march to occupy Holland, so that negotiations could proceed. But first, there was the issue of the divorce. Louis attempted to piggyback on his brother's divorce from Josephine by petitioning the Emperor for the arrangement of a formal separation from Hortense. Napoleon, instead, decided to have the matter decided by a family council. Though the two would not be permitted to divorce, it was decided that they might live apart; Hortense was permitted to remain in Paris and given an income of half a million francs. She also retained custody of Louis's eldest son, to Louis's bitter disappointment.

During this interim, Napoleon's mind had changed about his earlier negotiations with Louis. He predicted that Louis would not be able to meet the requirements they had agreed upon, and that the annexation would only be deferred. Harsher terms were drawn up--Louis was required to cede to France all his territory up to the left bank of the Rhine; he was forbidden to trade or communicate with England; he was required to build an army of 25,000 men and increase the size of his navy; and the rank of marshal was to be eliminated from the Dutch military. Louis was prohibited from returning to his kingdom until the agreement was signed. The treaty was finally signed on the 16th of March; Louis arrived back in Amsterdam on the 11th of April. Despite his earlier agreement to let Hortense remain in Paris, Napoleon had insisted on her returning to Holland as well. Hortense dreaded the return. "I wrote the Emperor a despairing letter," she recorded in her memoirs. "He did not answer me." Upon her arrival, Hortense writes that Louis "was overjoyed to see his son again but paid little or no attention to me."

Louis's unhappy queen leaves the following portrait of her life at court during this time, on the brink of her husband's deposition:

Word would be sent me when dinner was ready that the King was waiting for me. While we were at the table he would scarcely say a word. After the meal the King would thrum on the piano, which stood open. He would take his son on his knees, kiss him and lead him out on the balcony which overlooked the square. The crowd, catching sight of them, would give a few cheers. The King would re-enter the room, return to the piano, recite some French poetry or hum an air. I would stay in an armchair, not saying a word and watching what went on in the room. When a few hours had passed, my husband, becoming conscious of the strained situation, would ring and send for the Dutch members of our household and the ladies in waiting. Card-tables would be brought out. Sometimes I played also and at nine o'clock I returned to my apartments after having said good night, the only word we had spoken to one another. This is an exact picture of how I spent my days at Amsterdam.

Hortense did not remain in the kingdom for long. Her health suffered, and it was soon determined that it would be better for her to return to France. She left her husband for the final time on 16 May 1810.

The Sword of Damocles was not long in descending on Louis. An assault on a coachman of the French ambassador gave Napoleon all the excuse he needed to finally carry out his plan to annex Holland. Napoleon demanded that the perpetrators be arrested and hanged; Louis's ministers pointed out the impossibility of identifying them. Oudinot was ordered to march on Amsterdam.

Louis briefly considered appealing to Russia or Austria for help, but it was far too late. He had word sent to Oudinot that, though his troops would receive no welcome, they would also meet no resistance. Louis made some final, hasty financial arrangements, including selling some of the Dutch estates he had acquired and transferring his diamonds out of the country.

On 1 July 1810, Louis abdicated in favor of his second son, Napoleon Louis. The following night, he boarded a carriage accompanied by his captain of the guards, an aide-de-camp, and his favorite dog, Tiel, and headed east. In one last parting blow, Tiel was hit and killed at a horse-changing station on the road. Louis was devastated. "It was," writes biographer Atteridge, "he said, part of his bad luck, that now haunted him everywhere."

For weeks, Napoleon was unable to ascertain the whereabouts of his brother. "We don't know where he has gone, and we know nothing about this lunacy." He asked Hortense if she had any word of him. Writes Hortense in her memoirs, “Real anxiety as regards what had happened to the King was my first reaction. No one knew where he had retired. I imagined that he had left for America, alone, with no one to help him, no one to console him. His fate aroused my sympathy. I almost came to believe that I had become fond of him, now that he had known misfortune." Louis finally wrote to Madame Mère from the health resort of Toeplitz, that he was "as well as can be expected, and well out of affairs to which I will never return."

Regarding Napoleon's feelings towards Louis, Broers concludes that they were

an ill-sorted mixture of piercing truth and injustice clouded by the deepest kind of hatred, rooted in love betrayed. Yet, Napoleon worried about Louis' safety once 'the business' was over. He did not harbour the fanatical hatred that leads to murder. Even after his ill treatment of Hortense, Louis was his brother, and Bonapartes did not practise 'insular vendetta.' Nevertheless, in the world of high politics, Louis' end signaled the end of his faith in his brothers.

***

Sources:

Atteridge, A. Hillard. Napoleon’s Brothers, 1909.

Broers, Michael. Napoleon: Spirit of the Age. 2018.

De Beauharnais, Hortense. Memoirs of Queen Hortense, Vol I.

Masson, Frédéric. Napoleon et sa Famille, Vol I (1796-1802), 1907.

Roberts, Andrews. Napoleon: A Life. 2014.

#Meet the Bonapartes #Louis Bonaparte #Napoleon #Napoleon Bonaparte #Hortense de Beauharnais #Holland #19th century

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dianapana · 3 years

Text

SH Day 12- ANBU Black Ops

@sasuhinamonth

たえる Part 2 (taeru=to endure)

Part 1

Rated M, Ninja Universe that underwent some changes (you’ll see that I use major events in the canon world but there is a lot of history that’s altered), OOC (major OOC for Hinata especially)

Warning: self-harm, mental health, sexual harassment, trauma

Hello, dears, I play quite a bit with chronology in this chapter, I hope it's all easy to understand. I made moth things be during summer so around the time of the girl SH month which is why in all the cases you'll see Sasuke is 1year older than Hina, since his bday is in July and hers in December. I hope you enjoy, ~Love Dia

Sasuke, age 23

I think it’s fair for me to say that I’ve been through a lot, not many things shake me anymore and all the things that have made me worried in the past years have had something in common, they were all somehow related to Hinata. I remember when I woke up after the war, I was chained to a hospital bed, placed under a jutsu that blocked my chakra, I was missing a limb and I was on the verge of insanity once more. The only thing that calmed me down was her image. Even without my chakra I searched for hers. She too was in the hospital; I found her signature light purple chakra but it was so faint and small I almost missed it. Seeing her like that made me crazy with worry, once everyone left my room, I broke all the chains and dragged myself to her room despite the pain. I hadn’t thought of her as fragile since our reunion when she was 15. I could barely stand to see her that way, and even if I wanted to stay and watch over her for longer, I could feel Naruto’s chakra getting closer, which meant I had to leave. For the following weeks I could only go and see her late at night, for there was always someone in her room, Naruto, her father, her sister, some sort of nurse or medic. I recovered under a month, yet I stayed until she woke up.

I was the only one in the room when her eyes opened, she looked confused and for a moment I was sure she had amnesia and would not remember me, us. But for the briefest moment her eyes rested upon my figure and recognition was there, relief was there, gratitude, affection and many other nuances that I can never seem to read or fully comprehend reflected in her eyes. I took her hand and kissed the back of it, allowing myself a small selfish gesture before leaving the room to inform the medics she woke up. Sakura gave me a strange, questioning look when I told her Hinata had woken up, but I didn’t care about subtlety at that second, I just wanted them to check her for any issues, I wanted her to be physically fine.

She didn’t have many memories of the war when she was first questioned, but they came back in waves and waves. I could tell that the questions overwhelmed her, much like the people that littered around, there were over 10 visitors in her tiny hospital room, from her father to Naruto, Kiba and many others. I just watched the whole situation from outside her window. I noticed her looking around, searching for someone that wasn’t there. No, it wasn’t me, she knew I wouldn’t be there when other people were, I knew exactly who she was searching for, that’s why I wanted to be close by. I kept waiting for the other shoe to drop, I knew things would take a turn for the worse soon enough. I saw it, the exact moment the fog raised off of her memories, the moment in which reality hit her, the moment in which the remaining light in her eyes died.

She asked for Neji, Naruto cringed, her father was the one to inform her of his passing. She asked when the funeral was going to be and silence fell onto the room. Sakura tried to slowly explain that the war ended two months ago and all the dead were already long buried. Hinata cried, she cried for her fallen cousin, she cried for missing his funeral, she cried for herself. They all gave her hugs and condolences, they reassured her that none of that was her fault. They all expected her to mourn and soon enough bounce back to the façade she always kept around the people in the village. They were unaware of the emotional depth her sadness could reach. I knew their expectations would never be met, I could tell that the headspace she was in was similar to the night I found her on the forest floor, she had the same look in her eyes as when she constantly begged me to let her die. Knowing all of that, I expected her to make certain choices, yet, despite knowing what was to come, I was unable to help, there wasn’t a single moment in which she was alone for a week to come. And when it all happened, I panicked at the notion of her death and responded wrongly to her actions.

I wasn’t watching her when she attempted to kill herself, I was with Tsunade who kept insisting that I accept their fake arm. I was in the midst of refusing once more, when I could feel a commotion in her room, I left without a word and ran there. The image that was in front of me wasn’t surprising but it was just as heart-breaking. Hinata’s bed was covered in blood, her left wrist was being treated by Sakura but you could still see the long and slim-cut along her wrist, Naruto was holding her other arm trying to put pressure on her wrist to stop the bleeding. It scared me, the amount of blood on herself and the bed, her light-headedness and indifference indicated that she had been bleeding for a long time. She waited for a moment in which I wasn’t there either, she wanted to escape me too. Had Naruto and Sakura been late they might have found her corpse instead. I left the room to calm myself down, I couldn’t cause a commotion. I tried my best to come up with kind and comforting words to tell her later when I would return to her room, but when I did, the image that greeted me, her arms strapped to the bed, made me lose my composure. I screamed at her, I can’t even recall what I said but I know it was very inappropriate, she laughed, she cried. Trying to comfort her with only one arm was difficult, that was the very first moment when I even considered accepting Tsunade’s offer, but in the end I didn’t. I spent every night that followed with her, after the initial shock I was able to recall the words I meant to give her, I knew they weren’t going to miraculously fix everything but I felt that she needed them nonetheless.

She apologized for considering that path and acting on her thoughts. I undid her chains and pulled her to my lap as she talked. “The moment my eyes moved past Naruto’s shoulders and I saw you in the door frame I regretted my choice, I wished I could undo it if only to never have to see that look on your face” I placed my face into her hair and just breathed her in. “I think I understand a little better now…what you felt when Itachi died, when you found out the truth. Our situations aren’t the same but I remember how…” she stopped, searching for the perfect word.

“Crazy? Unhinged? Mad?” I provided, but she frowned and shook her head.

“No, no, none of those…how anguished, sorrowful, wretched you were at the time. You come to me in a very agitated state, I was scared and concerned but couldn’t grasp that feeling. Now I do” If I’m honest I don’t remember how felt at the time, I don’t remember many things about that period of my life, all I know is that I wanted to give up, I thought I had made only wrong choices in my life, but I saw her and I remembered that even I could save someone.

After a few more nights she assured me that she was now mentally stable, her sadness was still very much present, but she had not had any self-harming thoughts. The decision to leave the village was very difficult at the time, but Hinata assured me that she enjoyed our routine and wished to continue it. I left but our correspondence was much more frequent than before the war, I would write her every other day and she’d reply as soon as my messages reached her. It took a bit over 3 months for her to resume her work as an ANBU, and a bit over 8 months in total to convince Kakashi to promote her to ANBU Black Ops. Her missions became more difficult and longer, she even had a mission in Amegakure that lasted half a year. When she first sent me the message informing me of the location of her mission it reminded me of our first encounter after I left the village. Our encounter that summer isn’t a memory I think of fondly, I was cruel, I was insane, I abused my knowledge of her trauma. Whenever I remember my actions, I want to go back and rewind the time, I want to apologize to 15-year-old Hinata, she was meek and fragile and I broke a part of her. She was doing her best to survive and to keep going and I was a huge obstacle in her recovery. When my feelings for her started changing I was always self-conscious whether they were genuine or not, wasn’t I using her? Wasn’t I just feeling guilty?

Hinata, age 15

I am nervous as I pack my bag for this mission, it is my first solo mission ever. 6 months after I became a Jonin and Tsunade finally trusts me enough to allow me to go alone in a mission. The destination is Amegakure and the mission is supposed to last for about to 3 weeks. The difficulty level of the mission is only B which I’d be pretty annoyed at, but the distance factor and the solo factor make up for it so, I am equally nervous and excited. When I told Neji about the mission he was concerned but didn’t show it much for my sake. Instead, he congratulated me and we had a small picnic in the outer skirt of the Hyuuga estate as celebration.

Now I am looking through my dresser for appropriate clothes for the rain to pack, I have to look for another set of kunais just in case and prepare myself a couple of bentos to have on hand. Slowly, the closer the night before my departure gets the less anxious I am, excitement seems to be the winning sentiment.

The morning of, I wake up at 4:30 a.m. and am unable to sleep longer. By the time I am fully dressed and ready to go it’s only 5:00 a.m. and the sun is barely raising, but I decide that it is light enough outside for me to leave. As always whenever I pass through the forest there’s a chill going through my veins and my enthusiasm is a bit dampened, I actively try and avoid that specific place even if it means it will add to the journey time. On the schedule, Tsunade gave me I’m meant to spend 8 days on the road to the village, approximately 4 or 5 days into the village and 8 more days back.

The mission itself isn’t supposed to be that difficult all I need to do is meet with different people in the village give them the scrolls Tsunade gave me and wait for their replies. All in all, there should be no fighting, I’m mostly a messenger but the large amount of people that need contacting made it impossible for a summon raven to deliver the scrolls. My adrenaline rush of being on my own, experiencing what freedom feels like made me speed up during the journey, I took less stops and didn’t even spend the night in one of the Inns I was supposed to. Thus, not only did I depart earlier than planned but I arrived into the village almost a day and a half ahead of the schedule. Since it’s still barely past noon I decide to start the mission a day early and I am able to cover a fifth of the task on the first day.

People usually when talking about Amegakure call it gloomy and depressing, but I enjoy walking around in the rain, the temperature isn’t too high despite it being the middle of a heatwave everywhere else, the smell and sounds of rain also add to its charm. The Inn I’m supposed to stay at for the duration of my mission is on the outside of the village, it is away from the noise of the centre, but not far out enough to say it isn’t part of the village at all. Walking into my room I sit down and finally grasp that I am days away from Konoha, I am alone. The realization makes me emotional; I hadn’t realized how much I needed to be on my own, how good it would feel to put distance between me and everything that Konoha entailed.

Sitting alone in the dark, only with the occasional lightning brightening up my room, I make a decision, I promise myself to only ever come on solo missions. I’ve endured years of discomfort so I deserved to feel this way, if only during missions. I take a shower and go to bed, I’m not as physically tired as I thought I would be after the journey and that worries me. I don’t want the nightmare to come and ruin my mood, but I close my eyes nonetheless.

It feels like barely a second passed when I open my eyes and see the cool light coming from outside. The sun is hidden behind the clouds of rain, but its light still pushes through to an extent. I had no dreams, no nightmares. I rested well and I feel better than I did in many years. I walk barefoot onto the cold wooden floor and I open the window, not caring that the rain is getting both me and the floor wet. I close my eyes and feel immensely liberated, the heavy chains that dragged me down at all times disappeared. Nobody here knows me and I don’t know them, I am but a face in the crowd, this anonymity offers me the independence I never knew before.

I complete the mission in under 3 days. I feel faster, stronger, happier here. It feels like I can do anything and everything. I have about 3 days I can waste in the village, under normal circumstances I’d return immediately to Konoha to get another mission and the cycle would repeat. But I decide to stay here for a while longer, I want to enjoy this feeling to the best of my ability. The day right after completing the mission I simply stay inside and sleep almost the whole day. I’m recharging my batteries which have been on low for 3 years now. I forgot what being well-rested felt like.

The following day I decide to wander around some more. The mission had me walk all over the village’s centre so, I decide to check out its outskirt more. I go and eat delicious food at a small booth owned by an older couple. Due to its relatively small scale Amegakure’s buildings are much much higher than those from Konoha so I climb on top of one that I deem to be among the highest and sit there, in the rain just watching the busy streets, looking over all the sky-high buildings and enjoying the feeling of being unrestrained by people’s gazes and expectations. For the smallest second, I feel someone’s gaze on me but I discard it as being the locals looking at the strange outsider that’s standing in the rain. I refuse to let my mood be dampened, not when I am just as high as this building is.

I return to the Inn and decide to take a shower, tomorrow is going to be my last day here and I feel like time is moving far too fast. I’m rinsing my hair when I get the same feeling as before, like someone is watching me. Before I can dismiss it again, I hear steps behind me, my mind goes blank. I’m suddenly turned around by a powerful hand, before closing my eyes I see a pair of black dead, unfeeling, cold, cruel, scary, scary, scary, scary eyes. I close my eyes and clench my jaw; I can feel tears trailing down my face. I’m hyperventilating, I can’t move, I’m weak, I’m small. I whimper when I feel his hand touching the scar right above my pelvis. The touch transports me back to when I’m 12 and on the ground, my legs no longer support me, the only reason why I’m still standing is because the man is holding my arm in an iron grip. The moment passes and his hand is gone allowing me to fall to my knees and then onto my butt. I have no idea how long I stay there in a trance. When I’m finally able to regain strength in my limbs to feel and make small movements I notice the shower water is freezing cold despite it being set to warm. I turn it off and walk into the room, there’s no trace of the man anymore, he didn’t do anything beyond touching my arm and my scar. Maybe he was simply created by my brain, yea no one was here, how could they be, why would they be.

I can feel myself slipping into hysteria as laughter bubbles up into my throat. I look around the room again searching for proof again and I sigh in relief when I find none. I’m finally calm enough to get dressed but I make the mistake of looking in the mirror. There’s a handprint on my arm where he gripped me. The print is red and turning a weird purple colour in places and yellow in others. He was here. He was real. I take small breaths in order to calm myself, I am fine, I am here, I can’t even picture the face of the man that was here, I try to force myself to forget the handprint, it was just a dream, another nightmare.

I pack my things and leave that very night despite being tired physically, mentally and emotionally. I don’t want to return to Konoha, and I can’t stay here, I don’t know where to go. The freedom I felt before gave me an amazing sense of accomplishment, but now it is a source of unease. I feel lost and like I do not belong anywhere. I feel insignificant. I feel lonely. I close my eyes and just sit on the floor outside of the village, waiting for something or someone to come get me. But nothing happens and the weather is turning cold despite the summer so I pick myself up and start walking wherever the road will take me.

I don’t remember the journey back home, I can’t even tell in how many days I completed it, I didn’t stop at all, I just ran. I ran from the man, the past, I ran from my weak self. I thought myself to be strong now that I am a Jonin, but I froze and was unable to do anything all the same. I need to be more than I am, I need to be stronger, braver, untouchable, more perceptive.

I hate myself for hesitating to enter the Konoha, I hate myself for hesitating to take on a new mission when Tsunade offers it. I hate myself when I have to walk through the halls of the Hyuuga compound, I hate myself when I hide from Neji. I hate myself when I walk into my room and burst into tears. I hate myself for getting my hope that high in Ame only to have them all crash and burn. I hate that I feel more broken today than I did 3 weeks ago.

Sasuke, age 16

I’ve been in a weird mood since a week ago when I saw Hyuuga in the Village Hidden in Rain. I hadn’t heard or seen anything related to Konoha since I left during the Chunnin exam. She was my first contact with it. Hinata Hyuuga, I remember her name clearly, she holds a special meaning to me, she is a life I saved. I saved her back before I was caught up in any business with Orochimaru, when I still thought following Kakashi was the right path to take, back when I was stupid and naïve. I hadn’t thought of her since that moment, but when my eyes fell onto her, I felt proud that she survived, but I also felt the need, the urge to utterly crush her beneath my feet. Her life belongs to me; I saved her so, I have every right to destroy her.

I could tell she was uncomfortable with me there, I felt her flinch as I traced the scar above her pelvis, I heard her whimper when I turned around, and I saw from the corner of my eye, as her legs have in and she fell to the floor. She looked small and pathetic and I felt strong in comparison.

However, now, days later I feel…guilt. I feel as if I used something against her that I shouldn’t have. At the time her image was blurry and not something I paid attention to, but I can clearly see it now whenever I close my eyes. He white skin had almost no imperfections besides the three scars, her eyes were shut tight, her face was red and wet, at the time I gloated at the thought that the water droplets were tears, now I’m hoping they were from the shower. Her long dark hair was wet and clinging to her body. She did her best to hide from me with her hands, with her position slightly bent. She was helpless, she didn’t even try to stop me, she didn’t scream or fight back, she froze in place and allowed me to do whatever I wanted. At the time that too made me feel powerful, I deluded myself into thinking that my presence as Sasuke Uchiha made her cower in fear. Now that I am analysing things once more, I realize it was her trauma that rendered her powerless, it was my presence that caused her fear, but she wasn’t scared of me, Sasuke, but rather of me, a male; she didn’t see me as an individual but as the image of the man that hurt her in the past.

Realizing that in her mind I was equal to that disgusting piece of trash makes me livid. I clench my jaw, pick up the first thing I see, a jar of whatever substance from one of Orochimaru’s labs and I throw it to the wall. The green liquid escapes its container and slowly eats away at the wall and ground, the sizzling noise and putrid smell don’t even bother me. I’m angry at her, I want to find her and scream in her face that I’m not that man. I wanna shake her until she understands. I am mad at her, at myself. Kabuto comes in and curses, he drags me out and talks under his breath, his presence adds to my anger.

“What do you want?” I ask him, I’m looking down at him. I grew taller these past few weeks, taller than him. I want him to pick a fight, I want a reason to smash his face in. The image of his bloody face as he lays unconscious on the ground would bring me the satisfaction I need. He looks mockingly at me, that’s enough to start a fight.

Less than 20 minutes later the fight is over, he’s not unconscious, he’s still standing, more precisely, walking away. But he is bleeding and so am I. The fight didn’t help. I still feel angry, but my anger is slowly being overshadowed by guilt.

The sudden urge to find her and apologize overcomes me, but I dismiss it. She’s long gone…I checked. The two of us won’t meet anytime soon and even if we do, I’ll never apologize, not to her, not to someone that…weak…

Hinata age 22

After sleeping in until 11 after all, I wake up to Sasuke’s face next to mine, I feel at ease, I feel happy. I cup his face and place a kiss over his closed eyelids. I feel his change in breath when he wakes up but his eyes remain closed. His arm comes around my waist and pulls me closer to him, slowly he opens his eyes and offers me a lazy smirk. For a while I forget that we’re in Konoha, I forget everything about people trying to control me. All my worries just disappear with his presence.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks and brushes my bangs out of my eyes. ‘You’ I want to say, but I decide to be selfish instead. I sit up and he does too, I move towards him and place myself on his lap, we are chest to chest, face-to-face. “I am unsure how long they’ll make me stay here. This... sensei job…they could stretch it for months, who knows.” I hate that that’s true, I hate that they’re trying to cage me into the village. “it’s difficult being here for an indefinite period of time, especially since I don’t have out missions to look forward to. So…” I stop talking, rethinking what I’m about to ask, wondering if it’s worth it, but he looks at me with no judgement, he’s waiting patiently. “So…I was thinking. Maybe being here in Konoha would be better…if you were here as well” Part of me initially regrets the words and wants to take them back.

“You want me to stay here until you can go back to your normal missions” he didn’t formulate it as a question so I didn’t reply, mostly because I didn’t trust myself not to say no, to act like it was a joke, so I stay silent. “Ok, I will” his hand is on my wrist and it’s slowly moving up under my tank top. “You should already know that anything you ask of me, I’ll do Hinata” I do know that, but this was something that I had been afraid to ask for a while. Would staying in Konoha be better with him here? It must be.

We talk some more about his stay in Konoha and then proceed to eat a late breakfast. “I passed by the cottage outside of Amegakure on my way to Konoha” that cottage will forever represent my safe space, all my memories in it are out-of-this-world happy. The cottage itself is pretty much outside every territory of every village, it belongs to nobody, yet that’s the place I feel I belong in. I stayed there for my thirst or fourth mission as an ANBU, as usual Sasuke met up with me and we live together there for months. Sasuke and I worked together for most of my missions, we completed them faster than it was estimated they would take and we spent the remaining of the time just being together outside of all the rules of everyone. That was the place in which after much deliberation and inner-fights I decided to put my trust in him. By then we had already expressed our feelings verbally and with actions such as kisses and hugs, but I wanted to move past that because I craved that closeness with someone, I wanted a stronger bond between us, but also out of spite, I wanted to prove that I was able to enjoy sex. I wanted to prove that what had happened no longer affected me. Out first time was a bit awkward, we were both virgins, Sasuke was overly conscious of making me feel comfortable and I just wanted it to be done with so our desired speed didn’t match, but it happened and it was fine. The second and third time around it was much better and now we reached a point in which intimacy with him doesn’t scare me in the least, I love it and it makes me feel amazing. I am aware that I’m not fully over the incident, the close proximity of strange men that I don’t know still bothers me at times, however, I am much stronger and able to protect myself, I am just...wary.

I end my train of thoughts by going back to the memory of our first time and it makes me giggle a little. Sasuke asks me with his eyes what I’m laughing about and my reply is only a smirk, I see the wheels spinning in his brain and the connections being made. I love that after so many years we’re able to just understand each other in this manner. He gets up from his chair and walks around the table to place his hand on the nape of my neck. “I can show you how much I’ve improved since than” he whispers and bends down to kiss me. I smile against his lips and loop my arms around his neck allowing him to pick me up.

I must have fallen asleep again because I am woken up this time by Naruto loudly knocking on my door. He left me alone yesterday because Sasuke was around but I guess even his long-lost best friend can’t keep his attention off of me for more than 24 hours. I look next to me and my heart hurts because Sasuke isn’t there. I tell myself it’s because he felt Naruto so he left, but I still don’t like that.

Naruto keep knocking on the door and I’m sure he’s about to tear it down if I don’t open it soon so I walk to it in my pjs with my hair a mess. When I open the door, he stops in his tracks. “Oh…” his eyes linger onto the scar on my shoulder, he has an obsession with it I’ve noticed. Does he believe that’s my biggest scar…if only he knew. “I didn’t know you were sleeping, I’m sorry”

“After yesterday’s mission the kids have the day off so I wanted to rest” I don’t assure him that it is ok even though I know that’s the polite thing to do. I am bitter and annoyed that Sasuke isn’t there. For a split moment when I woke up, I thought I had imagined his presence.

“I just wanted to bring these to you.” He says and presents me with a pile of papers. “I know you were given them before when Kakashi assigned you as their sensei” hah, like it was Kakashi’s idea. Hokage-sama wouldn’t have pushed me into being a sensei from a Black Ops and we all know that. I know Naruto pulled all of the strings to get me here, however, Kakashi-san is also to blame for allowing all of this to happen “but I think you should really read them well, you said you have a free day today. I can stay here with you and read them together”

I look at him and his easy-going smile. On normal days I’d try and be nice, but all I want to do today is spend my time in peace. “I heard Uchiha-san is back. Are you sure you want to spend the day with me reading about some kids rather than catch up with him?” I feel sorry for guiding Naruto towards Sasuke, but I know Sasuke and if he’s one thing, he’s good at not being found.

Upon hearing Sasuke’s name Naruto’s smile brightened to the extent that it actually hurt my eyes. “I already saw and talked to him today” He left before Naruto came here, was it before we ate? After? When did they meet? “We talked and agreed to go on a mission together this week” He’s leaving after I asked him to stay “We went to Kakashi and already got all the info, so I’ll spend a lot of time together with him and find out all about what he’s been up to in these years and I ---” Naruto keeps talking but I feel suffocated.

#sasuhina #sasuhina month #sasuhina month 2021 #sa survivor #sasuhinamonth2021 #shmonth #shmonth2021 #shino #hinata #susake uchiha #hinata hyuuga #uchiha #hyuuga #sasuhina facfic #fanfic #fanfiction #dia story #diawrites

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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

Text

Rain is a Chance to be Touched Ch.2

hell is empty, and all the devils are here

Chapter One

This is the second chapter in my new ongoing hotchreid fic! Please click here for the fic summary, full tags, trigger warnings, more information etc.

Last Chapter: Spencer's disordered and depressed thoughts were introduced, he was shot, Foyet stabbed Hotch, and Spencer ended up alone in his apartment :(

In This Chapter: we get to see Hotch's view of the events of early season five.

TW: aftermath of violence, recovery, spousal death, grief/mourning

Word Count: 3.4k

RCT Masterlist // Main Masterlist // Read on AO3

AARON

All but mariners plunged in the foaming brine and quit the vessel, then all afire with me: [he] cried, 'Hell is empty and all the devils are here.' — William Shakespeare, The Tempest

The team is working on the case.

Aaron tries desperately to remember this when the fear starts to rise in his chest again, squashing his lungs and pressing violently against his already groaning heart. The team is working on the case, they always solve the case, and he trusts them with his life because, at the end of the day, that’s what’s at stake here, isn’t it? Haley and Jack are all he has in this world; he absolutely cannot lose them.

The team is working on the case.

Frustration builds as he lays in a hospital bed, completely incapacitated during the most important case of his life, and it’s only made worse by the knowledge that Spencer is hurt, too. He was absolutely furious when he eventually found out after asking his whereabouts on his third day of hospitalisation, having realised he hadn’t seen him once at the hospital.

Rossi had deliberately omitted Spencer being shot from his account of the case. Why, he had no idea. Did he not think it important that one of their own was seriously injured? Aaron hopes not. Did he think he was unable to handle the information at that point? Certainly more probable, but still infuriating.

It was all exacerbated by the guilty expression on JJ’s face when he asked who’d been visiting him. She’d told him that there hadn’t been time, that they were working on the case 24/7, that Penelope had heard from him and he was fine, but it wasn't enough to satiate his rising anger. Aaron doesn’t quite understand the blistering fury he still feels when he thinks about Spencer injured and alone, abandoned by his team, but he expects it’s because he still feels protective over the youngest member of the team.

That’s almost definitely it.

He takes a month off from work, but he has no idea what to do with himself, especially once he's discharged from hospital and returns to a lonely apartment in which he was brutally attacked by the FBI’s Most Wanted Serial Killer. He’s miserable without seeing Jack regularly and fearful of the length of time he’ll have to wait until he can see him and Haley again as he tries desperately not to think of the possibility that he may never see them again.

A lot of time is spent touring his DVD and box set collections and passing the time by cooking and exercising as much as his healing body will allow him. Every functional moment, every spare shred of brain power he has to spend, though, is directed at the Foyet case.

Finding Nemo is playing on the TV when there’s a knock at the door a week into his stay at home — admittedly, his collection is not all that large and he’d exhausted the more age-appropriate films far too quickly — so he turns it off and peels his exhausted bones off the couch. Most of the team have dropped by at various points, bringing food and gifts and comfort in the worst time of his life, so he’s expecting Emily or Rossi or JJ, but instead, it’s Spencer standing on his doorstep.

He doesn’t have the time to school his expression so his surprise is written all over his face, and Spencer must see it because he immediately cringes and deflates, as though suddenly doubting whether showing up out of the blue was a good idea after all.

“Hi.” Aaron smiles welcomingly to try and counter the negative thoughts that are almost certainly worming their way into Spencer’s mind. “Come in.” He steps aside and allows him to hobble awkwardly into the living room, his crutches dragging slightly along the carpet, the telltale sign of someone not quite accustomed to them yet.

“I hope it’s alright I came,” Spencer says shyly, almost apologetic. “I should have texted but I dropped my phone under the sofa and I can’t get down on the floor to retrieve it.” He blushes at his admission but gratefully accepts Aaron’s invitation to sit down.

Aaron smiles as warmly as he can manage, joining him on the couch. “You're fine, don't worry; it’s not like I’m up to much. I’m just happy to have some company.” He almost confesses that he was watching a children’s film before Spencer showed up, but decides that’s perhaps revealing just a little too much. “How have you been doing? I did message you, but I suppose your phone gathering dust under a couch explains the lack of a response.”

“You did?” Spencer’s eyes meet his and he looks utterly bewildered for some reason, seemingly surprised that Aaron would do such a thing. “Sorry, I— yes, that would be why, uh.” He looks down, clearly trying to gather himself as he plays with his fingers. “I’m fine, though. Obviously, the leg is a little sore, but. I’ll be back to work on Monday.”

“Good,” he replies, though he knows a gunshot wound will still be more than a little sore only two weeks after the initial injury. “How long do you have that?” He gestures vaguely to the brace around Spencer’s left leg.

“Not really sure,” Spencer says, looking sort of bemused by the contraption. “It’s pretty inconvenient, so I hope it isn’t too long.”

Aaron can’t help but smile at the small grin on Spencer’s face as he looks down at the brace. It looks… genuine. He doesn’t have the wherewithal to contemplate why that’s so endearingly surprising. “Are you looking forward to going back?” he asks, settling back into the couch cushions as he feels his muscles protest against his strained position.

Spencer seems to struggle for a response, unsure how to answer him. If he wasn’t so damn exhausted he might try and figure this slightly odd behaviour out, but the inherently complicated puzzle that is Spencer Reid feels like one too many right now. “I’m looking forward to not being quite so bored,” he eventually replies with a short, self-deprecating laugh. Aaron almost flinches at the sound, so foreign for Spencer’s gentle soul.

He’s fiddling with his crutches and the profiler in Aaron is screaming at him to decode what’s going on, but he forces himself to push it to the side. Spencer is a capable man. He’ll be fine. Aaron, on the other hand, needs to try and save his energy for his family.

“I can understand that,” Aaron says diplomatically, careful to not reply too emphatically one way or another. “The boredom’s crippling sometimes. Thankfully, the team coming round has been saving me from having to watch too many movies.”

Spencer seems to sort of shutter down as the words leave his mouth for reasons he doesn’t know or comprehend, but he does know that the resulting silence is awkward and he feels like he’s stuck his foot in his mouth by saying something totally innocuous. Has he had a falling out with someone or something? Is it something to do with not having many visitors in the hospital? He wouldn't blame him at all if that's still a sore spot.

“I’m going to have a coffee, I think,” he says, getting up carefully from the sofa and heading towards the kitchen despite the pain in his torso begging him to sit down. “Do you need anything?”

Spencer’s head snaps up, suddenly back and engaged. “Uh, no, I’m alright,” he says, and he sounds almost… choked up? “I should probably get going, anyway.”

“Oh, uh, okay,” Aaron says, a little surprised. His mind is too foggy with pain and grief to process the microexpressions and endlessly odd behaviours Spencer is exhibiting. He knows how much Spencer appreciates his company usually, so his leaving so soon is just wrong.

He doesn’t want him to go, he loves spending time with the younger man, and even if he is acting a little strangely, he’d much rather Spencer be with him than away from him, especially when the world seems so much more personally dangerous than it was before. At least if Spencer is close to him then he knows he’s safe, and that’s all he deserves, really. To be safe.

“Say hello to the team from me,” he says, fumbling with the door handle and awkwardly making his way out. He briefly turns back, “bye, Hotch,” before he’s closing the door behind him. Aaron can hear the plastic click of the crutches on the linoleum of the corridor as he hurries away from the apartment.

Before he can think much of it, though, he’s drawn to the couch, exhaustion overtaking his body. He’s asleep in seconds.

Eventually, he goes back to work and for a small amount of time, things seem like they’re going to be okay. Emily picks him up and takes him in, Penelope gives him homemade cookies — not that he didn’t already have an ample supply of the fruits of her kitchen waiting to be eaten in his fridge — and sure, he’s a little stressed and abrasive throughout the first case, but no-one holds it against him. It’s a little tricky when he doesn’t manage to stop Darin Call from shooting his father, but he’s calmed down by the time Emily walks him back to his apartment.

“He’s not alone,” she says as they stand in his small living room, talking about Call but looking rather pointedly in his direction. They both know what she means.

Penelope and Sam, the marshall looking after his family, help him see Jack again on his 4th birthday — granted, over one of her many computer screens — and he has to swallow down a sob at the sight of him swinging in the park, looking happy as ever. He tries to be furious at Haley for uprooting Jack again, causing them to move to a halfway house because of a few phone calls to her mother, but there’s nothing left in him. Anger at the inevitable takes energy he simply doesn’t have. It’s why he simply accepted it when the money for the counter-surveillance against Foyet ran out. Fighting seems pointless.

He does manage to get angry, though, when he finds out Spencer lied to him by telling him he was cleared to travel when he wasn’t. He’d put himself at risk for deep vein thrombosis or other complications, so he calls him out as soon as the initial debrief ends. He looks sort of relieved to be staying behind with Penelope, which is a little strange since he’s always so eager to be in the thick of the action, but he brushes it off and they get on with yet another case.

Of course, it’s significantly harder to deal with when the Bureau questions him as Unit Chief of his beloved team. He takes a step back for the sake of the team, and he’s glad he does, but things don’t feel quite so good, quite so positive. He’s suddenly following Morgan’s directions instead of giving them, no longer a leader, and it’s… humiliating.

Still, he trusts Morgan. He trusts the team in general, and they still solve cases, and they still gel together like a well-oiled machine. Things are okay. There’s still hope.

But then.

Then Karl Arnold sends him a message.

Then he agonises, fights, wrestles, swims against the current to try and save his family in time.

Then Haley dies.

🌧

Aaron thanks every god he doesn’t believe in that Jack is too little to really understand what’s happened. He knows Mommy isn’t around anymore, he knows something bad happened, that Daddy is sad, but beyond that, he has no real comprehension of the situation.

In the first days after Haley’s death, he spends a lot of time cuddled up in bed, holding Jack as close to him as he can, hugging close all he has left of his ex-wife, desperately gripping onto the one person he loves more than anything else in this world.

Once he’s cleared by the Bureau, he can at least breathe a little easier in knowing his job is safe; he can provide for his baby boy. What follows, however, is less pleasant than job security.

Watching his team cry at her funeral and seeing Haley’s family in pieces almost does him in. He’s not usually the kind of man to show emotion, but he can’t help swallowing a choked sob as he tells everyone gathered just how incredible Haley was, how lucky he and Jack and everyone who knew her were, and just how much he loved her.

“If Haley were with us today, she would ask us not to mourn her death but to celebrate her life. She would tell us… she would tell us to love our families unconditionally, and to hold them close because, in the end, they’re all that matter.”

As he reads his speech, he can’t help but think of his team. For years, they've been his second family — arguably, as much as it pains him to admit it, the family he prioritised the most — and now, they're all he and Jack have. All of them have reminded him of that over the past few days, between helping with funeral arrangements and making food for them both, constant check-ups and distractions and messages of love and support. Having his back in the moment that mattered most.

“Okay, you can go ahead,” he murmurs to Jack as he lifts him up onto his hip, the last two standing at her coffin. He watches as his son places his white rose on his mother’s coffin before following suit, stomach constricting with grief as he does so. “Blow Mommy a kiss.”

And he walks, his son clutched desperately in his arms, towards the wake.

(The team leaves the funeral, called to a case that — despite everything that’s happened — he can’t help but long to be a part of even if he knows he’d be no use right now, lost in the haze of grief and the massive life change that is suddenly being a single parent, the sole carer for his son.

He uses the time off to pack Jack’s things and move them into his own flat, trying as hard as he can to keep life as normal as possible for a little boy who just lost his mom. Actually having time to be with Jack feels like the only possible good thing to come out of this situation, and he tries to be present in the moment as much as humanly possible, grateful for every second he spends chattering away with him about the dramas and dilemmas of being four-years-old, or playing dinosaurs with him, or stroking his hair while he falls asleep.

Strauss visits, says hello to Jack, and then offers him early retirement. With a heavy heart, he promises he’ll think about it.

Jessica offers to stay with Jack while he’s away. He calls Strauss, and he declines.)

Almost as soon as the team gets back from their case in Tennessee, Spencer shows up again. This time he’s only leaning heavily on a cane instead of awkwardly wrestling against two crutches, and his brace is gone.

“Hi,” he breathes, smiling hesitantly at Hotch. It doesn’t reach his eyes. “I’m sorry to show up unannounced again. This time I don’t have a dusty phone to use as an excuse, I just wanted to come as soon as possible and see how you and Jack were doing.”

“It’s fine, Spencer, don’t worry,” he says reassuringly, opening the door wide enough to allow him into the sitting room. Truthfully, he’s glad he’s turned up. Spencer’s a soothing presence; innocent, almost, in his openness and honesty, how trusting he is of everyone around him despite how hurt he’s been in the past. And while the others always scoff and groan at his academic and overly factual rambles, he’s rather fond of them.

“I don’t know if you heard,” he says as he takes a seat on Aaron’s sofa again, “but we solved the case.” His leg is clearly bothering him still: he’s subconsciously rubbing it through the fabric of his trousers and his facial expressions are showing subtle indicators of pain.

“I never doubted it,” Aaron says, face soft and open, happy to have Spencer here. He joins him on the couch. “How is it, working cases with the injury?” He wonders whether asking about work will have the same response as before, but he seems slightly calmer this time around. He hadn’t noticed anything amiss when he’d gone back, though he had, of course, been a little preoccupied; there's plenty he could have missed.

Spencer considers for a moment, looking marginally more subdued than the last time he’d sat on his sofa. “It’s… not easy, but I’m sort of used to it now. I don’t mind sitting out the fieldwork too much; besides, I get to talk to Penelope more.” He looks like he’s not saying something, averting his eyes as he talks but Aaron doesn’t push. He doesn’t want Spencer to bolt, but he makes a mental note to keep an eye on him when he eventually gets back to work again. “I heard through the grapevine that Strauss offered you retirement.”

He looks up at Aaron with wide, hesitant eyes and for a moment, his heart clenches tightly, a rush of some emotion he can’t quite place flooding his chest and squeezing the breath out of him. It’s only for a second: the moment’s over before he can actually process it, but it leaves him floundering for a response.

“I— ah, yes. She did,” he affirms, nodding his head, “but I declined.”

“You did?” Spencer asks, suddenly looking far brighter and another flash of that feeling flares in his chest.

As such, he can’t help the fond, private smile that spreads across his face. “I did.”

Spencer looks like he’s about to say something else but he’s interrupted by Jack dashing into the room, flying his toy plane around the room. As soon as he spots Spencer on the sofa, he dashes over, eager to show off his toy.

“Wow, that’s amazing, buddy,” Spencer says, looking as interested in a wooden replica of an aeroplane as an extremely well-educated adult possibly could. That’s probably because, Aaron thinks with a smile, he actually is.

Before Aaron knows it, he’s watching him be dragged towards his son’s new bedroom to inspect all his other toys. Jack has always loved Spencer and Spencer has always loved Jack, sharing a bond over an interest in all things scientific and mechanical, albeit at vastly different levels.

He hadn’t noticed how dull Spencer’s been looking until he brightens so considerably as soon as Jack is engaging with him, and his brows furrow. Trusting Jack to keep Spencer well entertained for the next few minutes, he fills a glass with water and leans against the counter of the kitchen, sipping it quietly as he thinks it over.

Now that he considers it properly, Spencer has seemed rather downcast and far quieter than usual recently. Not that he’d had the energy to address it, or even really clock it, the last time Spencer had turned up at his apartment, but his weird, abrupt departure was clearly triggered by discussion of the team. He starts to get some food out for lunch as he resolves to keep a much closer eye on things when he gets back to work.

He only thinks it over for a few more minutes before Spencer emerges into the kitchen, one hand clutching his cane and another gently holding Jack’s. He’s still bombarding him with questions about planes and trains and cars, but Spencer fields them expertly, managing to actually get an answer in before another question takes its place, a skill Aaron has yet to master. His chest clenches for the third time in the small period Spencer’s been in his flat as he watches the two together.

“Would you like to stay for lunch?” he offers, taking in Spencer’s small frame and dark eye bags; he can’t help the protective desire to feed him and make sure he’s happy and healthy.

“If you wouldn’t mind,” Spencer says, looking pleased with the offer, mouth twisting into a little smile. Aaron probably shouldn’t feel quite so delighted at his acceptance, but he brushes it aside and turns to face his son, who is watching them curiously.

“Hey Jack,” he says, crouching down to face him, “how about we get you some lunch, yeah? You can continue asking Spencer some questions while we eat. How does that sound?”

Watching Jack’s face light up as he nods happily and looking up to see Spencer’s small smile still firmly pasted on his face makes him feel, for the first time since Haley died, like there’s a future for him. A good one.

Chapter Three

If this chapter brought anything up for you, hotlines are in the endnotes of the AO3 version of this fic. Bigger countries are listed and a link is included if you live somewhere else in the world. I love you all, see you next Saturday! <3

taglist: @criminalmindsvibez @suburban--gothic @strippersenseii @takeyourleap-of-faith @makaylajadewrites @iamrenstark @hotchseyebrows @reidology @i-like-buttons @spencerspecifics @bau-gremlin @hotchedyke @tobias-hankel @goobzoop @marsjareau @garcias-bitch @marvel-ous-m @oliverbrnch @sbeno22 @aaron-hotchner187 (taglist form)

#my writing #rct #rct 2 #criminal minds #cm #criminal minds fanfiction #criminal minds fic #aaron hotchner #spencer reid #jack hotchner #hotchreid #aaron hotchner/spencer reid #aaron hotchner x spencer reid #spencer reid/aaron hotchner #spencer reid x aaron hotchner #heid #hotchreid fic #hotchreid fanfiction

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journalxxx · 3 years

Text

Repetita Iuvant

The room was almost perfectly quiet. The barely audible buzzing of the medical equipment and the occasional squawk of a bird outside were the only noises Izuku had heard in probably hours. The chair creaked when he moved, his shoes squeaked on the white floor. He had already grown used to the pungent smell of disinfectant. No one had come to check on either of them in a while. There was nothing whatsoever to distract him from his thoughts and from the enormity of the consequence that his recklessness could have had- could still have.

How very obvious All For One's plan had been, in hindsight. Driving Izuku to drive himself to the brink of exhaustion and to detach himself from any semblance of support. Sending few lone agents first to inflict some physical chip damage and a much more substantial amount of psychological warfare. Leading him to walk, alone and unprepared and worn-out, straight into the real trap.

Even without Endeavor's fire propulsion or the perceptive wings of the hero who was always just a little too fast, All Might had been the first one to reach the fight. Izuku knew that his words weren't going to dissuade him from trying to follow his student, but he'd thought he could manage to outspeed him, to keep the danger just a little ahead of him at every turn. How arrogant and simple-minded.

All Might hadn't wasted a second. With what little combat gear he had at hand, he had immediately provided cover fire and diversion, dodging and hiding and inching his way towards Izuku as the horde of strategically placed snipers and brawlers kept him too busy to track his mentor's approach. All Might, who, Todoroki had told him, even after losing every last ounce of his power, had once unhesitatingly thrown himself in harm's way to protect a wandering bystander from collateral damage. All Might, who had once again thrown himself in harm's way to protect his disgraceful successor from a potentially lethal blow. Izuku had recognized the villain who had charged forwards. There were two whole pages about him on one of his old notebooks, probably number 7 or 8. A convict with a sunlight-fuelled power-enhancing quirk who had regained his freedom during one of the many breakouts following Tartarus' fall, a villain that All Might himself had brought to justice a few years back. Izuku had seen the cruel grin on the criminal's face when he had realized who his attack had landed on. Izuku had seen the sadistic glint in his eyes as he instantly stopped caring about the target of the operation in order to exact his revenge on his captor, and started pummelling the frail, stumbling figure savagely. Caught in the crossfire of the battle, it had taken Izuku ninety seconds to separate the rampaging brute from his victim. Ninety seconds was a tremendously long time in the raging frenzy of a battlefield. The sight of All Might's bloodied, battered, unconscious form was the last clear memory Izuku retained of the whole accident. After that, it was a blurry sequence of hits, dodges, movement, explosions, noise, made even more chaotic by the arrival of other heroes. After that, a mad dash to the nearest hospital. After that... Time. Nothing but time, hours and hours, with the sole company of his regrets. Endeavor, of all people, had had a few words for Izuku when he had reached the hospital as well. Not very heartfelt or unexpected ones, but undeniably warranted. Endeavor, who was just about the most unsociable, standoffish and selfish hero in the industry, and an unspeakable parent and husband to boot. Endeavor, who nonetheless had opened up his own agency, had sidekicks, subordinates, support, a proper network of associates, and was demonstrably not above accepting help when he obviously needed it. Not even Endeavor could have messed up so badly. Hawks had just shaken his head and spared Izuku any tirades, for the time being. He had kept watch, and later said that Recovery Girl was on her way. Izuku had genuinely no idea how many hours (days?) had passed since All Might had been admitted to the hospital. He had let some doctors examine his own wounds, done whatever he was told to do and answered whatever question he was asked with the most appropriate monosyllable. He had slept, not by choice but probably because of some medicine someone gave him at some point. He had washed and put on some fresh clothes provided by Jeanist. He had eaten, barely. He had waited. Stared at walls. Paced. Let his brain dissect in every detail the harrowing series of unforgivable blunders that had led to the current situation. Despite the doctors' initial opposition, they had allowed Izuku to enter All Might's room after Hawks had interceded. The noticeble lack of reassurances about the man's conditions had worried him, but, unlike in Nighteye's case, no one had warned him of his impending demise either, which was as good a sign as he was going to get. Since then, no one had showed up to tell him to leave, so he hadn't. He had tried to be rational about it, at first. He had analyzed the fact that All For One's goons seemed hell bent on taking advantage of All Might's weak point. The first noumu had done it, Wolfram had done it, the latest assailant had done it as well, if the extensive dressing covering the entirety of All Might's left side was of any indication. It was wicked and cowardly, but it was also a bit of a blessing in disguise. Most of his vital organs in that area had long since been eradicated, and it stood to reason that any damage on the opposite side, for example to All Might's sole remaining lung, would be more likely to prove deadly. He hoped his foes would never get that memo. He noted how scattered All Might's injuries were and reflected that, if the villain had focussed all those hits and raw strength on the hero's head alone, he would have turned it into mincemeat in a matter of seconds. As it stood, most of All Might's head was unscathed, with some padded bandaging covering about a third of his face, but relatively little damage to the cranial lid itself. Another instance of cruelty turning to their advantage, Izuku guessed. Unfortunately, instead of getting used to the sight of his mentor's wrecked body, Izuku was only finding it more and more distressing as time went by. There were too many bandages, too many tubes and machines and cables laid out around and all over him. He was too pale, his features too sunken, his appearance too similar to a corpse, his chest rising too shallowly with each breath to give him any measure of comfort. Izuku crumpled forwards in his chair, hands in his hair, face resolutely pointed at the floor, unable to stand the sight any longer. He was gutless, unworthy and criminally short-sighted. One For All probably shared that sentiment, since he hadn't heard a peep from any of the vestiges since the fight. He resumed, for the millionth time, revisiting the events of the last months, letting guilt engulf him like a poisonous cloud. He was snapped out of his reverie by a fierce grip on his wrist, and the sudden blaring of one of the machines. His heart jumped in his throat and he looked up to see All Might reaching out to him with his good hand, awake and tense, rushed breaths fogging the oxygen mask he was wearing. Izuku's eyes flew back and forth between the man and the beeping monitor. Was he reading it correctly? A heart rate spike? Something worse? All Might was definitely awake, but not altogether... there. He had a haunted, distant expression that made Izuku's stomach constrict painfully. "All Might?" He called, utterly failing to suppress his increasing dread. He tried to pry his teacher's hand away from his arm so that he could run and alert someone, but those bony fingers clawed him with such strength that no man in his condition had any right to have. "What's wrong?" The question seemed to help him get his bearings, somehow. Tension became confusion as All Might's gaze roamed all over Izuku, then the room, then what little he could see of himself from his lying position. Eventually the confusion waned too and exhaustion took its place as he closed his eyes and ventured a few deeper breaths. Izuku tentatively stood up, but All Might, despite loosening his iron grip, didn't let go of him. "Are you in pain? Shall I call someone?" He asked, still frazzled. A negative nod. As if in agreement, the monitor spontaneously ceased beeping. Izuku felt as if any decision-making ability he had ever possessed had been crushed alongside his mentor's limbs. Should he call someone, just to be sure? Weren't they monitoring patients remotely anyway? Should he- All Might opened his eyes again, and met Izuku's. The light that normally brightened them, a flame that had nothing to do with quirks and that Izuku had thought inextinguishable, was subdued and meek. It made the boy's breath catch in his throat. "I-I'm..." He couldn't say it. Apologies couldn't cut it, not this time. There were no words that could even begin to atone for the catastrophe he had nearly caused, for the pain he knew he had inflicted to the one person that had always, unerringly trusted him. His traitorous eyes burned and his vision blurred. Izuku squeezed them and bit his lip, hard. He would not cry. He didn't have the right to, especially not after months spent playing the stoic vigilante, and it was a damnable weakness he should have weaned off long ago, and All Might barely tolerated it in the first place. All Might tugged at his arm. He was regarding him gently now, with that deep warmth that one never expected to match those haggard features of his. He pulled again, until Izuku returned to the chair and scooted a little closer to the bed, close enough for All Might to move his hand to the boy's hair. "It's okay." All Might finally spoke. His voice was disturbingly different from his usual stentorean timbre, like the rumbling thunder of a distant storm even when it was at its lowest. There was a breathless, wispy quality to his tone now, and long pauses stretching between each sentence he uttered. "It's okay to cry... I should have told you... a long time ago..." Izuku's throat clenched painfully. There was so much he had to say and explain and apologize for, so much he had to tell him, but he couldn't. He couldn't. A pitiful whimper escaped him as he brought his own hand to cover All Might's. To stop him and pull it away, or to grasp it and hold it closer, he didn't even know. "Repeat after me." All Might said in English with that odd accent of his that didn't quite sound as natural as an American's, but that nonetheless seemed to roll off his tongue so easily. Those words hit Izuku almost physically, summoning a memory of roaring waves under a starry sky, of a joyful run along an immaculate beach in a time when the future looked so much brighter, and so much more hopeful. "It's okay to cry." "...It's. Okay. To cry-" Izuku managed to force out haltingly, and suddenly it was as if a dam broke inside him. Gross sobs escaped him uncontrollably, making him gasp aloud and flinch beneath his mentor's calm gaze as some part of him took those words in stride with frightening promptness. "Don't push yourself too hard." All Might was smiling now, of all things. Where he found the strength, the will, the reason to smile so softly at him here, now, Izuku had no idea. It took the boy a few moments to realize that the hero was still expecting him to reply. "Don't push yourself too hard." He echoed shakily. He thought of Musutafu, of the USJ, of Kamino. He wondered to whom, exactly, these words were aimed at. He abandoned that line of thought immediately. "You deserve to rest." "You deserve-" He stopped. He could not say those words, not like this. It sounded way too much like a farewell, like a request for a parting blessing. Which was unthinkable, because All Might had vowed to keep on living and he would never go back on it. But Izuku's mind conjured notions of eternal rest, tragic visions that may or may not come to pass, irredeemable mistakes- All Might's hand slid away from under Izuku's. The same hand that had once shattered buildings, created whirlwinds, held an entire nation's hope in its raised fist, trailed down Izuku's temple with unimaginable tenderness. It cupped the boy's cheek in its palm, it wiped away stray tears with its thumb. All Might mouthed something, more of an exhale than actual words, that Izuku couldn't quite catch over the sound of his own gasps. "You deserve to rest." The boy finished. All Might was still smiling, more serene that Izuku had seen him in months. "Let's talk more later, hm?" He sighed as he closed his eyes, his hand slowly falling back on the bed. Izuku clasped it back between his own in an instant, panic flaring up in his gut all over again, fearing the unthinkable. But the equipment kept buzzing quietly and undisturbed, the birds kept squawking, his chair kept creaking and his shoes kept squeaking. He focussed on the firm pulse beating under his fingertips, for as long as it took for his own mind to still.

#boku no hero academia #my hero academia #deku #izuku midoriya #All Might #Toshinori Yagi

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underworldobsessed · 3 years

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All is Well ll An Obitine Fanfic

Title: All is Well Rating: M Ship: Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze Characters: Obi-Wan Kenobi, Satine Kryze, Bo-Katan Kryze (Briefly) Series: ABO Obitine (Part 9 out of ???), TAS Week (Omegaverse week) (Part 6 out of 7) Summary: Written for Temples and Sabers Day 6: Induced Rut ll Post The Lawless ll After Satine is stabbed with the darksaber on Mandalore, she is taken to a Nite Owl base to recover. As part of her recovery process, the medical staff needs to induce a rut in order to ensure she is healing properly and nothing else was damaged in the attack. Obi-Wan definitely does not take kindly to being separated from Satine during this. Author’s Note: I couldn't bring myself to write s//mut despite trying, so I did fade to black. No draft I wrote with it made me happy, so I decided against it for this one. Despite that, I hope you all enjoy!

Read here or under the cut

Satine had been unconscious for three days now, the lightsaber she took to the gut did more damage than Obi-Wan had initially thought. It was a miracle she was alive, if Bo-Katan had been any later in removing Satine’s body, she wouldn’t have survived. After Satine was safely off-world and in the care of the Nite Owls, Bo had come back for Obi-Wan, taking him directly to the base where she had brought Satine. They had their best medical team on it, trying to heal Satine.

Obi-Wan hadn’t slept, barely eaten, since he had arrived. Bo had been trying to encourage him to eat, but understood that until his alpha was okay, he wouldn’t be able to do much else. She may not have had a mate, but she knew what was in the nature of an omega. She wished he would understand that her sister wouldn’t want to see him like this, but there was nothing she could say that would shake him out of that one. He had to see that Satine was alright, before she knew he would start eating.

Finally, on the evening of the third day that Satine was unconscious, she started to wake. Obi-Wan could feel the change in the force, and he jolted up as he watched her eyes crack open before sliding shut almost immediately. He lifted a hand and dimmed the lights using the force, knowing that he would be in trouble if they found out. Then again, he was going to be in a lot of trouble anyway for his mission, but he couldn’t have denied Satine. Not after their last conversation… where she told him about Korkie and he left after saying he didn’t want to see her. He didn’t want that to truly be their last conversation. He could never apologize enough for what he said, he just felt so guilty. He was in the right for sure to be upset, but not to totally kick his mate out of his life like that. If she hadn’t survived, and he had lost her, he would have never forgiven himself.

“Hurts..” Her voice cracked from disuse, pain written all over her face. Obi-Wan felt like he could cry. He didn’t think he would ever hear her voice again, ever see her beautiful eyes staring back at him. He would cherish every moment with her, if she would let him back in her life…

“I know, my darling.” He saw her turn her head and his heart broke all over again at the surprise written on her face. Did she really think that he wouldn’t stay? Of course, despite him flying to Mandalore against the orders of the Council, he hadn’t even said anything about the last conversation they had.

“Obi-Wan… you’re really here?” She tried to sit up, but gasped in agony and fell back onto the bed in pain. “I thought… I would have sworn…”

“Shh, Satine, you need to stay laying back, you’re hurt badly. It’s a miracle that you’re alive.” He knew his anger was still close to the surface, but at the same time, he was willing to let it go now knowing that they had almost lost one another, that he had almost lost her. It was so close and he didn’t want to think about it. “Satine…”

Her eyes had drifted closed again, and he thought she was asleep, but then she spoke up again.

“I thought you would have left me. I thought you would have gone back to your Jedi Order now that you saved me.” He could hear the hurt in her voice and he felt his heart break further. “You don’t have to stay by my side any more.”

“W-What? Satine… why would I leave?” He asked, but already knew the answer. Because he had. She was hurting and because he was too, he had left her then. “Satine… I was angry then, I was hurt, but… I saw how close I had been to losing you. I saw you barely clinging to life. I saw the color leave your face. I couldn’t… I hated myself for the last meaningful conversation we had was anger and I said such horrible things to you. Can you forgive me, Satine?”

He felt his heart hammering in his chest, and he feared the worst, until he heard her weakly chuckle.

“Obi, I have been wanting to apologize to you since you left our room that night, apologize for so much.” Obi-Wan watched as her eyes grew unfocused for a second, like she was struggling to stay awake. He could only imagine the pain she was in and how weak she still was. “You are forgiven, you always were.”

“And you are as well, my darling, now rest. I’m not going anywhere.” He kissed her hand. “They aren’t getting me out of here that easily.”

A few weeks into her recovery, the doctor told them that they would have to induce a rut in Satine. It was under the supervision of the medical staff, and Obi-Wan was told that he wasn’t allowed in the room with her. They didn’t want anything sexual to come from her rut, but they needed to make sure her body was on the right path to recovery. So they ended up putting her on a medication that would start her rut, and did everything to keep Obi-Wan from entering the room so as to not trigger any possessive response or trigger his heat.

That was the intent, but after weeks of Satine’s recovery, with Obi-Wan not moving from her bedside, they had to know that he was going to be able to find a way into her room. Rut or no rut, after that, he never wanted to leave her side again.

As he was sneaking through the hallway to get to Satine’s room, the smell of her rut resonated through the halls. The doctors were lucky, many of them were alphas or betas, so the smell wouldn’t bother them. He could already feel the start of a heat coming on, but he had to be strong. He couldn’t succumb to his nature.

“I hate you all!” Satine’s voice rang out, the desperation in her voice. “I need my omega. Bring him to me, please!” Obi-Wan felt his skin flush and it took everything not to just run in there and beg for Satine. He needed to be in there, though. He wouldn’t leave Satine alone while she was suffering.

He finally pushed the door open, and was assaulted by the scent of her rut overwhelming him. He panted, pupils blown wide as he looked over at Satine. He had never seen her like this, even their first mating cycle after they were reunited wasn’t like this. He never imagined seeing her like this, and it was quite terrifying. But at the same time, it was arousing. Oh was it arousing…

“You shouldn’t be in here, di’kut jetii,” He heard Bo-Katan say from outside the door, but he closed and locked it behind him so she couldn’t get in. She had been the only omega allowed with Satine because they were sisters. Her rut wouldn’t affect Bo like he could immediately tell it was affecting him. Already his thoughts were becoming clouded, his heat coming on. He had to be strong, he had to resist so he could comfort Satine..

“Omega!” Satine didn’t sound like herself. He heard her in heats before, but the one driven by this, by force, make her far more possessive than she ever was.

“Let me take you, Omega, my good, sweet boy.” Her voice, which was possessive for sure, now took on a purr like quality. “My good Omega, you’re so good to me. Please, let me take you like you deserve. I need to feel you nice and hot around me.” Obi-Wan’s skin flushed and he knew what was coming. He knew he couldn’t control it much longer. He shouldn’t have come here. He shouldn’t have come around when her Rut was so strong. When he smelled her and realized that all he wanted was her to knot him…

“Alpha,” His voice hit a higher pitch than he expected, and Obi-Wan felt himself revert back to his inner Omega. He slipped his pants down, realizing that he was already getting wet with slick. “ Satine , please. I don’t know if I can be without your touch any longer.” He didn’t want her getting out of bed, knowing that while she was better, she still wasn’t able to get up for very long and movement was still difficult for her. “Let me, Alpha, please. Let me take care of you.”

He could hear the grumble of disapproval, but as she sat up and a pained hiss escaped her, he knew that she would relent. He knew for a fact that she wasn’t going to control herself much longer, and in truth, he didn’t want her to regret what she was doing and that he didn’t want it to weigh on her. In his last conscious moment before his heat overtook him, he smiled at Satine. “Please take me, Satine, I’m ready.”

Satine blinked a few times as she tried to get a grip on where she was. It took her a minute to realize that she was in the hospital bed. Her head was aching, and she was all sweaty and she felt oddly spent. She looked down and realized that Obi-Wan was in bed with her, his head on the pillow next to her, and they were still joined together.

Oh… Oh no.

She had always promised Obi-Wan that they would discuss it before she would knot him. And if they even considered the possibility of children, it would have to be after the war. A pregnant omega as a general in conflict was dangerous in and of itself, but Obi-Wan was far too important to the war effort to her annoyance. But… the medication used to induce ruts was often designed with pregnancies in mind, so it didn’t surprise her that this was the result. Of course… it was a relief to know that her body was healthy enough for this.

“Hmm, hello there,” She hadn’t realized that in her spiraling thoughts, Obi-Wan had awakened and was staring up at her with love in his eyes. “I would appreciate it, darling, if you would free me now. I’d like to get dressed before your sister decides to kill me.” She didn’t know how he could joke so easily, but she relented, slipping out of him and moving to pull up her underwear, which had thankfully only gotten to the edge of the bed. Her injury still hurt and she didn’t know if she could move more than this. He got out of bed, also wincing, which broke her heart. He pulled on his clothes and then moved to unlock the door to her room and sit on the chair beside her bed. “Satine…”

“I’m so sorry, Ben.” She hoped it was okay that she was using the old nickname, after all, the last time she used it, he had snapped at her to not use it again. She had basically told him that he wasn’t allowed to use it. When he didn’t comment, she allowed herself to relax at least a little bit. “I’m so sorry that I knotted you. I know… we promised to discuss it before we would actually try it…”

“You don’t remember what I said to you, do you?” She shook her head, and frowned upon hearing his sigh. “I told you that it was okay. Since we separated… I found someone who was willing to prescribe me birth control. I got some looks, because they knew me as a Jedi, but I also know that the war might finally be winding down. I knew that our time together, if you would still have me after all the awful things I said to you, was coming close and I would need to be ready. I wanted to ensure that my body was adjusted to taking another medication before we were together.”

A sob escaped her and she pressed a hand to her lips to try and stifle it. “I thought you wouldn’t want to see me again.” They had already had this conversation, when she first awoke, but she knew it was bound to come up again. “I didn’t think you would.. Be so prepared.”

“Satine, as I said before, I was angry then, but being away from you… was heartbreaking. I understand why you lied. I wish that it didn’t come to it, but I know why you lied to me. Korkie… he’s a bright young lad, and I’m proud that he’s my son.” Obi-Wan squeezed her hand, entwining their fingers. “And perhaps, once the war is over, we can give him the sibling he deserves, even if it is… 16 years too late.”

Satine beamed, and nodded.

“I think I’d like that, Ben.” She knew that the war wasn’t going to end as quickly as Obi-Wan thought it was, but she also knew that she was willing to wait as long as she could for him. She had waited this long, so she could wait a little bit longer.

#TASweek2021 #Obitine #Satine Kryze #Obi-Wan Kenobi #Jen Writes

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imjustthemechanic · 3 years

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The Price of a Soul

Part 1/? - Agent Russel Part 2/? - The Letter Part 3/? - Miss Lake Part 4/? - The Stewardess Part 5/? - An Assassination Part 6/? - Fallout Part 7/? - Face to Face Part 8/? - Deals, Details, and Other Devils Part 9/? - Baggage Part 10/? - Private Funding Part 11/? - Just Passing Through Part 12/? - Party of Four Part 13/? - Resolute Part 14/? - The Wreck Part 15/? - Body Snatchers Part 16/? - Out of the Frying Pan Part 17/? - A Miracle Part 18/? - A Matter of Circumstance Part 19/? - Nome

Somebody probably should have warned Howard.

Peggy felt a need to wash her face again before she went back to the infirmary to see how Steve was getting along. She didn’t doubt he’d be just fine, as he always was, but there was a part of her that really needed to see for herself. Like Howard wanting to stay at the crash site, it would be a while before she felt sure he wouldn’t simply vanish if she turned her back.

She stood in front of the mirror and tried to fix her hair a little, but in the end decided that was a lost cause. It had been days since she’d been able to wash up properly, and while the redness and swelling from Kay’s chemical spray had gone down, the windburn of the long, cold helicopter flight was still very visible, as were the effects of her recent bout of tears. She had no fresh clothes to put on, and no makeup to cover anything. She looked grotesque.

So of course when she sat down by Steve’s bedside, he smiled at her and said, “you look beautiful.”

“I do not!” she snorted, “and I ought to thump you one for such a lie!”

“You can’t thump me, I’m a sick man!” Steve protested, and wiggled down under the covers trying to look pathetic. It failed, of course. He’d been sitting up and eating when Peggy entered the room.

“You’re as well as you’ve ever been in your life, Steve Rogers,” said Peggy, “and I believe the doctors will take my side on that!”

One of said doctors – sporting a picturesque black eye from the earlier fight – looked up from a clipboard. “I wouldn’t say that,” he said, “but he’s well on his way to recovery. Amazing.” He shook his head. “Never seen anything like it.”

“I hear that a lot,” said Steve, but his smile was gone now. “It’s really been three years?” he asked Peggy.

She nodded. “Yes, darling. We didn’t realize you’d gone so far north.”

“Huh.” He looked away. “I can’t believe you kept looking for me that long.”

Peggy’s insides twisted. “Well… we didn’t, honestly. Schmidt was dead and Hitler shot himself just a few days later, but there was still the Pacific theatre, and…” She swallowed. “Howard found the cube and we locked that away, but after that the army wouldn’t fund the search anymore.”

“Oh,” said Steve.

She grabbed his hand. “If we’d known you were alive, we would never have let it go that long,” she promised… though that probably didn’t reassure him. He must be thinking what she had, wondering if he might have had to wait centuries or millennia. At least he hadn’t heard Kay tell Peggy that seventy years would have been more than long enough. “I’m so sorry, Steve, but… well, we thought you were dead. After a few weeks in the arctic…” They’d been certain that even Steve must have perished, if he hadn’t been killed instantly in the crash.

“Right, right.” He nodded, and brought a hand up to her cheek. “Don’t apologize, Peggy, it’s… you were right, I should have given you my position. I saw the ground coming and I… at the last minute there…” He swallowed hard.

Peggy shut her eyes as tears threatened to overflow again, and wrapped both her hands around his to squeeze it tight. Nobody could have foreseen this. Nobody but a woman to whom it was already the long-ago past.

“Did you ever find him?” Steve asked. “I mean… Bucky? Or…”

She knew if she opened her eyes she’d find him looking right into them… and she also knew they’d be full of desperate hope even as he already knew what the answer would be. “I’m afraid not. The valleys there are impassable most of the year…”

“The Russians found him,” said Kay.

Peggy hadn’t even realized she’d entered the room, but when she looked up, she found Kay standing at the end of Steve’s bed. Her blonde hair was askew and flattened by her hat, and her face, too, was pink and puffy from crying, but she still looked better than Peggy did.

“They were in the area at the time,” she added. “They knew HYDRA had a route through there and they were looking for anything that might have fallen from the trains. They didn’t know who he was, but they found him and took him back with them. The dead HYDRA men, too.”

Steve nodded. “That’s good… I’m glad somebody took care of him.”

“It’s not quite as simple as that,” said Kay, “but I’ll tell you more when you’re feeling better.” She turned around, and walked out of the room.

Steve sat up a little, as if he planned to get up and follow her, but Peggy and the doctor both took hold of him and gently pushed him back down onto the bed.

“Steve, don’t, she won’t tell you anything until she’s ready,” Peggy said.

“Captain Rogers,” the doctor said at the same time, “you need to recover your strength.”

“I feel fine!” Steve protested, but he must have been tired, because he lay back down and rested his head on the pillow. “Who is she?” he asked Peggy.

“I… I’m not entirely sure,” Peggy replied. “I know she’s Russian. She’s told me a story about her past but I don’t know whether to believe it. She did know where to find you, though.” Kay didn’t seem to be an enemy, but Peggy still wasn’t sure she really counted as an ally, either. She definitely wasn’t a friend, though, there was no question about that.

Steve nodded. “If she can tell us where his grave is…”

“I don’t know if that will be possible,” Peggy warned. “The relationship between the US and the USSR has deteriorated a bit.”

She wondered if she should have phrased it that way. Would Steve wonder if other relationships might have deteriorated? He now knew how long he’d been gone…

His thoughts must have been tending in that general direction, because the next thing he said was, “I know I’m late… but is there any chance we could still make that dance?”

Peggy ducked her head as if to hide a blush – but really to hide the tears that were welling up again. “I’ll see what I can do,” she promised. But even that was a lie, wasn’t it? How could she have that long-delayed dance with Steve when she’d found somebody else? Daniel wouldn’t begrudge her one dance, but would he believe her if she promised it would only be one dance?

She couldn’t tell Steve about Daniel yet. Not when he’d only just awakened and had so many other things to catch up on, but the longer she waited the harder it would be.

The Valiant had to return to its normal route patrolling the arctic ocean, so a couple of days later, when the doctors were satisfied that Steve wasn’t about to suddenly collapse, he, Masters, Peggy, and Kay were loaded into a small plane to take them to Nome, Alaska. The crew of the carrier turned out in their dress uniforms with a band playing to send them off, and somebody had made a Welcome Back Captain America banner to hang from the ship’s superstructure. Steve smiled awkwardly and waved to them as he climbed into the plane.

“Get used to it,” Peggy murmured to him. “I imagine there’ll be a very similar reception waiting for you when we reach the mainland.”

“Oh, several of them,” Kay agreed. “You’re going to have to make a cross-country tour.”

“Great, something to look forward to,” said Steve sarcastically.

“You’ve never liked being fussed over,” she observed.

“When I was little it usually meant they thought I was going to die,” Steve told her.

The plane took off into a clear blue arctic sky, heading southwest over Alaska to get to the town of Nome. Steve sat looking out the window, but he kept his hand in hers, and she couldn’t help looking at him. The cuts and bruises she’d helped him with after the train were healing quickly, as they always did. In a couple more days they’d be gone. There was already no trace to show he’d spent three years frozen in the sea ice. Physically as well as mentally, he hadn’t aged a day.

Peggy had been a year younger than him when he’d left. She wondered if she would now be considered two years older.

He glanced back and noticed her staring, and she quickly turned her head. “Sorry,” Peggy said. “I just… can’t quite believe you’re real.”

One of the things they hadn’t been sure of, one of the things Erskine had never been able to test, was the question of whether somebody who’d had the serum would age normally. Not enough time had passed to see whether Steve was getting older, but the fact that he’d survived this latest ordeal made it seem unlikely that time could touch him. What would happen if in twenty years, Peggy had gotten older and Steve had not?

During the war they’d both been ready to deal with that as it came. Steve probably still was. Peggy wasn’t so sure.

“What about you?” she asked, trying to distract herself from that uncomfortable thought and the problems surrounding it. “What are you looking at out there?”

“Nothing, exactly,” he said. “I’m just… thinking.”

“About what?” Peggy asked.

“About what Buck would have said if he were here. He, uh… he would have told me I’m an idiot,” Steve said with an embarrassed smile. “He would have told me that if I’d given it a few more days I would have realized I didn’t want to die, and he’d be right. In the last few seconds when I knew the water was coming in, I tried to get out. But I couldn’t. He wouldn’t have wanted me to die.”

“I could have told you that,” said Peggy.

“I’m surprised you haven’t yet,” said Kay from the seat behind them.

“I was saving it for when the initial joy wore off,” Peggy replied. “Then I was going to give him a real earful.”

Kay giggled, but Peggy had to suppress a shudder. His last thought being that he didn’t want to die after all, only for him to wake up and find he was alive but three years had gone by without him… that had to be enough of a shock. Three years, however, was merely a hiatus – seventy was a lifetime. She rearranged her fingers, lacing them through his, and wished Kay hadn’t painted quite so vivid a picture of it.

There was no fanfare waiting for them in Nome, to Steve’s obvious relief. When they landed on the little airstrip, there was nobody there to meet them but a few more military men, and Howard and Jason. The ramp came down, and Kay was the first off the plane, followed by Peggy and Steve. Howard was so happy to see any of them that he ran up to give Kay a hug.

“What do they feed you Russian girls to make you indestructible?” he asked.

“Various experimental versions of the super-soldier serum,” Kay replied.

Howard blinked and then held her out at arm’s length again to examine her facial expression. She remained entirely deadpan, but after a moment he decided she was joking, and laughed awkwardly before turning to hug Peggy.

“I think you’re just too stubborn to die,” he said.

“Damned right,” Peggy agreed. “I have far too much to do.”

He responded with a more genuine laugh and hugged her again, while Jason happily greeted Kay. Steve had stood back for this, but then came up to take his turn saying hello to Howard, on the assumption that his friend was expecting him.

Peggy had assumed this as well. She hadn’t told Jason that Steve was alive, but Captain Lewis must have radioed ahead to have somebody there to meet them, and would have surely told that person. And since Peggy had told Lewis that Howard and Jason would be there as well, it seemed reasonable to her that one of the military men would have spoken to them.

Evidently this was not true. Steve stepped forward with a smile on his face, clearly expecting a hug of his own, and said, “Howard! Good to see you!” But instead of returning the greeting, Howard stopped cold. The colour drained from his face, and then his legs simply folded up underneath him. If Peggy hadn’t caught him, he would have fallen face-first onto the asphalt.

“Is he okay?” one of the soldiers asked.

Peggy lay him down gently and took his pulse. “He’s out cold,” she said. “I think he’ll be fine. Does anyone have any smelling salts?”

One of the soldiers went to fetch some from the first aid kit on the airplane, while Steve and Peggy carried Howard’s unconscious body into a car so they could lie him down comfortably. Once that was done, Steve stepped back and looked at Jason, somewhat worried about what his reaction might be.

“Captain,” said Jason. “Dr. Jason Wilkes. I work for Stark Industries. I saw you once or twice during the war, but we never actually met.”

“Nice to meet you, Dr. Wilkes,” said Steve. They shook hands.

The smelling salts brought Howard around, gagging. “What happened?” he groaned. “Peg? I thought I saw…”

“You did,” Peggy told him. “Steve’s alive. He’s here.”

Howard sat up a bit to see Steve looking over Peggy’s shoulder, and after a moment in which he could only sit there with his mouth hanging open, he began to grin. “Well, son of a gun!”

#fanfic #agent carter #captain america #peggy carter #steve rogers #steggy #fix it fic

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self-ships-ahoy · 3 years

Text

My Heart in Your Hands

Saturday (Feb 13th) Heart / Soul / Confession

Summary: During the events of Mann vs. Machine, Technician faces her greatest fear for the good of her friends - and the love of her life.

Warnings: General depictions of surgery (nothing too graphic, but there is a lot of talk about Tech’s heart in the second half)

Word Count: 1,307

A/N: Ok...I am very very nervous about posting this fic. I had to scramble to find a good reason for Tech to have this surgery done (i.e. if lives were on the line), and I’m just always nervous when presenting my writings with Medic. I have seen quite a few people be critical about his depictions, if he’s ‘in character’ enough, and I was afraid of being met with that kind of criticism. But writing is supposed to be for fun, and IF I’m a little ooc with him, so what? I put a whole lot into this fic, and you’re going to really see the extent of their feelings, so I’m proud of it. (Also, about the end, I am totally one to use wordplay even if I’m just coming out of anesthesia, so yeah Tech is like that too.)

~ 💖 ~

For as long as she could remember, Technician's greatest fear and weakness had been anything related to medical procedures. From the smell of a sterilized office to the mere sight of a needle, it all made her anxious at best and panic-stricken at worst. Everyone at the RED base knew this, since they heard how she ‘freaked out’ during her initial physical examination. Fortunately, although her phobias still remain, her reactions have started to become less severe over time, thanks in big part to her relationship with Medic. Forming a friendship, and later a romantic affair, with him helped her tolerance to her fear triggers greatly. Her desire to see him had her visiting the medbay often, where she soon became accustomed to many sights and smells of the lab. The doctor remained supportive of Technician working to overcome her fears, and he took an active role in the process. Still, Katie had a long way to go, and he knew that. He knew, by now, what kind of answer he would get to a proposed surgery, even though he only offered what was for her benefit. "It's very sweet that you care that much, but it's just not worth it to me." So, he would sigh in defeat and drop the subject, loving her too much to breach the boundaries she set.

This pattern continued until 1971. Mann Co. was under siege by Grey Mann, effectively taking control from Saxton Hale with an army of robots. Both Red and Blu teams were hired to take back the company, so far with little avail. It all seemed pointless to Technician, at first, if not fortunate; this could be her ticket out of here, if she could convince Grey to fire her. Then the game changed. In an effort to drive the mercs away for good, Grey's forces managed to sabotage and shut down respawn - for good. Now, they could actually die. After so many years of being alone, Katie couldn't bear the thought of losing her friends. With Medic's new reviving invention still a work in progress, that thought could become a reality. She would do anything to keep them safe, even just to increase that chance by a fraction of a percentage. This was what she came to talk to Medic about, one quiet afternoon at the base.

The two of them sat on the couch in his office. The programmer remained silent, a hesitant and apprehensive frown on her face. She had yet to reveal why she called Medic here, and the longer she waited, the more concerned he became. However, his patience was finite, and spending the whole day on this conversation could be time otherwise spent working on his invention. "Darling," he addressed her gently, but with seriousness, "Vhatever is troubling you, don't be afraid to tell me about it; I cannot help you if you don't tell me...nor do I have time to vait much longer."

Technician's chest tightened, her eyes squeezing shut for a moment. She couldn't wait forever. Sighing nervously, she began, "...I need you to...do something for me."

"Anything," he answered without question.

Another short pause. "I'm scared. I really think we could die out there..." She held his hand for support. "I can't lose you, Ludwig. You're the most important person in my life...and you're all my friends... You're the closest thing I have to family. So, I want to do whatever I can to help protect you."

"...Vhat are you saying?"

"...I want you to put Über in me."

Medic couldn't believe what he heard. Technician seemed to have a knack for surprising him, but, understandably, this was a big deal. Thus far, she had refused every surgery offer presented to her, and now she comes to him and requests one? The man was no reader of emotions, but judging from the tension on her face, and how she squeezed his hand, it didn't seem like she was completely positive of the decision. Excited as he felt, he had to make sure they were on the same page, or he could lose her trust in him forever. "You are...absolutely sure of zhis?"

Technician went quiet again before answering. "I don't know. But...I want to be. I don't want to be afraid of this, especially if it could help you stay alive. With how often I've fallen onto front lines, it could even protect me, too. But..."

"If it's pain you're concerned about, I promise zhe pain medications I use, in addition to zhe medigun, vill decrease anything you feel down to manageable levels." He couldn't help but try to convince her to go through with it. Despite her indecision, he agreed with her points that supported the procedure; this could protect her and her friends, should she fall into danger. "You won't even need stitches," he added with a small smile.

He was getting excited, she could hear it in his voice. Technician expected as much, but she had to finish. "It's not just about the pain. I just...I don't like operations, I never did. You know that... And...I wanted to make sure I could...trust you with it. And I do, now. It's just...hard."

Medic's smile grew when he heard that he finally earned Technician's trust. That alone made him feel so accomplished. "I promise you, I vill handle zhe procedure vis as much care as I handle our fledgling doves. You have my word as a doctor - license or no." He tilted his head down to further meet her gaze. "Does zhat ease any of your fear?"

"...Yeah. It does."

~~~

On the day of the operation, Technician's friends all came to give their support. She was facing a great challenge for the good of the team, and for her own safety, a decision that they all could commend. Soldier told her she was making her country proud by pushing through the fear; Scout brought her some comic books to read for when she's in recovery; Sniper and Engineer pledged to stay by her bedside when she goes under and when she wakes up; even Spy said he would anticipate hearing her wake from a successful operation. Their faith and encouragement helped Technician move forward with this, and she kept their words and gestures in mind when nervously changing into her special hospital gown. Above all, she remembered all Medic promised to do for her, to keep her as comfortable as possible.

Placing her jewelry in a plastic bag, her thumb brushed over the heart-shaped pendant of her necklace. That was a prized possession now, a symbol of how much she was cherished. As she stared at it, her mind began retracing every instance of Ludwig prioritizing her happiness. This...this was a man she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. And why: because she knew she could entrust him with her very life, even on the operating table. She knew that if she asked him to do or not do something, he would take that request seriously. She's going to go into the operating room with full confidence that Medic will do nothing more than implant the Über device in a human heart. That was true love.

Technician made her way to the hospital bed, and squeezed Dell's hand as the I.V. went in her wrist. As she settled down from that, Medic gleefully presented his patient with precautions he doesn't usually take during surgery, such as a clean pair of gloves and keeping Archimedes at a distance, so the dove doesn't get tempted to play assistant surgeon. In the time between now and the first Über implantation, Medic had even been experimenting with his invention to make it more efficient, i.e. less likely to overload the patient's heart and what not. There was a good chance that Technician could come out of this with her original heart in tact.

At last, the time came for her to be put under anesthesia, per her request. Katie kept her eyes away from the sight, but listened to Medic's voice as she slipped into unconsciousness. "You'll be awake and feeling good as new in no time, my dear. Don't worry..." he told her calmly as he watched her drift off. Engineer and Sniper then left the room, and the procedure began.

Everything was running well. Throughout the procedure, Medic talked to his patient as if she was awake, from making light (one-sided) conversation to commenting on each step he was taking. (He said she had very healthy ribs, for instance.) At last, Technician's heart was successfully removed and resting in the doctor's delicate hold. He was being timely about each step so far, never stalling or rushing; but here was when he began to pause, staring at his love's heart while the medigun kept her on life support. The power he felt was indescribable, surmounted only by the honor of being granted the chance to literally hold Katie's very life in his hands. He, too, understood the significance of being allowed to perform this surgery on her, the amount of trust it showed she had in him. There was excitement from finally getting to operate, yes, but...it had yet to truly sink in until this moment.

As he cradled the tiny, life-giving muscle, a euphoria began to overtake him. This was more than just the thrill of practicing medicine; this was finally realizing the meaning of his beloved not only allowing, but asking without prompt, to partake in her greatest fear. The love she had for him was stronger than her fear and doubt, for she realized that he would never hurt her. And for all the love he felt for her, and how much closer he would feel to her if given the chance to do this, hearing her finally approve was his strongest wish. Ludwig was already sure he had found The One, but now - oh, now he was 100% positive and then some. His breathing cut short a couple times as his eyes began to well up. But, instead of crying, he began to laugh - slowly, quietly, then rising in strength with his elation. It was a laugh of pure joy, unlike anything else ever heard in the operating room.

~~~

Awaking from the anesthesia was a slightly difficult task, only due to Technician's penchant for prolonging sleep. With the pain medication still in her system, she had almost forgotten for a moment that she had underwent surgery. But a growing echo of voices helped pull her out of her induced slumber.

"I think she's comin' to, doc. Hey, Tech, can ya hear us?"

"Come on, mate..."

"Vake up, meine geliebte~. Zhe surgery is all over now."

The sing-song tones of Medic's call lured her out of her sleeping state, and cerulean eyes fluttered open to the sight of the doctor's beaming smile. To her left, Engineer and Sniper sat with their own happy expressions. Technician turned her gaze back to Medic, attempting to speak through her haze. "Did...everything..."

"Everything vent perfectly, darling, visout a hitch." Medic answered her, "I hadn't completed a procedure zhat smoothly in years, heh." In truth, there had been one or two slight deviations in the plan - minor errors that he was able to work around, and certainly not worth mentioning to the tomophobic programmer. That being said, it was still one of Medic's more successful operations. "How do you feel?"

She thought for a moment, hesitant to feel her heart in case she might feel the Über implant. "Strange...Tired... Chest feels tight. Is my heart okay?"

Engineer spoke up with more words of reassurance, "Heart's a-OK, Techie. Doc said it survived the whole thing, no transplants 'r anything like that."

"It vas remarkable to witness," Medic commented with glee, "For a heart of such small size, I vas expecting more resistance to zhe device. My upgrades must have made an even greater improvement zhan anticipated!"

The corners of her lips began to curl as she heard the great news. Above all, she was worried about her heart needing to be replaced with something bizarre for the device to work. But, the doctor fulfilled his promises and kept her heart intact...as did another force unbeknownst to her. Should someone tell her of it, she would show no surprise at the fact.

Facing Medic again, Technician inched her hand closer to him, a kind look in her sleepy eyes. "I knew you could do it... I was in good hands."

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magneticmage · 3 years

Text

Quiz Meme; OC-style

I was tagged by @rozhevisny to take this quiz.

I also ended up doing a number of my OCs. They are under the cut for length.

I am tagging @awellboiledicicle @mikkeneko @changeling-fae @higheverweave @yusukesmomjeans @dalishious and @draxen1123 but don't feel pressured to do so if you don't wanna! It's all for fun.

(Inquisitors)

Paeriel Lavellan="You're choking on how much you have to try". Accurate by the time of Inquisition (specifically around Skyhold) as Paeriel very much embodies the virtue of suledin. She can handle the amount she's dealt with but it is still a burden and she worries about how it will affect others if she slips and drops under the weight. She doesn't want more harm to come to innocents and those who are already struggling under their own burdens (mages, dwarves, elves, even the templars to some degree), and yet it is a fight that continues on and on seeming without end. Just as Solas walks his path to break the systems oppressing people, she tries to work within those same systems to better chances for those who need it.

Armashok Adaar="You were meant to". Accurate prior to his joining the Inquisition. He spent so much of his life struggling to find his place as everyone told him what to be; silent, obediant, a weapon to be protected against. He chafed and struggled to find comfort in it and yet he ultimately realized that he was his own person. No one could tell him who and what he was or was meant to be, not even his wife. So he chose for himself; To be Armashok Adaar.

Ransley Trevelyn="This isn't enough for you" Also accurate for pre-Inquisition Ransley, as he balked against his family expectations. They wanted him to marry a nice noblewoman of status and wealth. He courted them but couldn't quite bite the bullet as something about them just lacked....something. Even when he met his lover, he struggled against the fact that they had to be discreet for her reputation as a Knight-Divine. His family demanded he become a Templar, he decided the Seekers would be a better use of his talents. Always when he was told something, his innate ambition would push him for more and better things. While he can give up things as needed, he dislikes it. That last part is something he struggles with-and notably fails during Trespasser-post-Inquisition. This is a trait that Josephine can understand, though like their lover Cassandra, she tempers it in herself and him with patience.

Naranka Cadash="Because you have made mistakes you cannot swallow" Pfft. Yeah, this is very much her. She seeks redemption just as badly as Paeriel does for Solas, just as badly as Blackwell-her love interest-does.

(Inner Circle)

Kara Adaar="Because you cannot hold freedom". Very true. She's seen what freedom has cost her parents to give her a better life and plans to make the most of hers. That desire to enjoy life is shared with Sera. The desire to understand the world through the lens of ensuring that freedom for others is something she shares with Dagna.

Emilyse Trevelyan="You swallow pain and fold around it" Yikes. This is accurate to her time in the Circle, however. She spent much of her time trying to be a "good" mage, despite a number of abuses by the Templars and the Chantry. It was only when her brother visited her during his training as a recruit that some of those abuses came to light and she was brought to the Circle in Ostwick, closer to home and with the newly added bribes to ensure her safety, she did much better. However, this newfound life did not for too long as the Rebellion broke out and she was left adrift for a time before making her way with some other refugees to the Conclave at Haven. She was nervous about so many Templars, but eventually found solace and peace with Cullen as they each began to heal over their own traumas of their respective sides, and together as they began a family shortly after Trespasser.

Samrel Lavellan="because you cannot hold freedom" Interesting. He's actually one of my simplest OCs; a simple life with his clan and husband, First to the Keeper and cousin to Paeriel, is all he wants. Unlike some of my other Dalish OCs, he hasn't faced quite the same level of hardship and loss, and though he does mourn the loss of his clan, he seeks to rebuild it alongside his husband and the few survivors that managed to escape the humans' blades. So perhaps that defiance of the losses inflicted harkens back to the Dale's and the elves' refusal to submit to the Alienages, by simply standing up and saying "No, you cannot silence us" is enough? That could be a type of freedom and there is power in that refusal. Thoughts to consider more later.

Pyrmar Cadash="This isn't enough for you". Oh that's interesting. Pyrmar is one of those characters that seems super simple (ex-surfacer Carta bruiser with a notable penchant for leadership as a Champion) and, for the most part, he is. He likes drink and fun as much as any other mercenary like the Chargers. But, like Dorian, he sometimes feels inadequate in some way. As if he is meant for more; to be and do more. Most notably for basic respect and care, something his upbringing in the cutthroat nature of the Carta was missing. Dorian shows him that he is capable of love and being loved and The Iron Bull gives him the respect and belonging he lacked previously. While he can still fall orey to his baser nature at times, his heart as grown much over the years and so it becomes less common to "want more" as he used to.

(Last Court)

Aurore de Serault="Because you have made mistakes you can't swallow" Ooo. She does carry some lingering guilt and grief over her late husband's death at the hands of the Game. She struggles with the Orlesian court at times, and much prefers solitude and peaceful quiet to gossipy ballrooms and noble Lords and ladies demanding a dance, a bonding point for her and her love interests of The Silent Huntsman and the Elegant Abbess. However, it's not that she's unskilled in the Game; in fact, she's quite good at it. She simply prefers simplicity to more complex machinations. All that said, she does regret the ferocity with which she holds grudges; she had gone on to murder the entire families of those individuals responsible for her husband's death.

Marcel de Serault="You swallow pain and fold around it". Hmmm. Not sure of this one. Marcel divorced his wife to pursue a cloistered and scholarly life in pursuit of knowledge (he was once a Chevalier). Eventually he began to crave the adventure of the Game again, which is how he fell for The Wayward Bard and the Dashing Outlaw. Again, not too sure but it's interesting. Perhaps he simply internalized his losses and pain?

(Hawkes)

Knight-Commander Jasper Hawke of Kirkwall="because you've made mistakes you can't swallow" Oh cool! Jasper watches his younger siblings-three of his fellow quadrupled and Carver- go off into the Deep Roads expedition. He made the decision to stay behind to protect Bethany and their mother in case things went south. Despite assurances from his departing siblings, things did go south. After being pissed at Batrand, he sighed and went to work for the Templars. Shortly thereafter, despite his best efforts, Bethany was caught by Templars and taken to the Circle. Jasper did what he could to protect and shield his sister from the worst abuses of the Templars under Meredith's command, no matter the personal costs and enmity it earned him from his siblings and companions. It even ended his relationship with Anders around the beginning of Act 2. After Meredith was defeated, he worked with Cullen to try and reform the Templars and rebuild Kirkwall post-Chantry boom. His efforts were strained once red lyrics began to show up and corrupt his fellow templars. Despite narrowly avoiding being swept into the group while infiltrating it to gather intel, he succeeded in driving them out. When Cullen left for the Inquisition, he stepped up to continue reforming the Templars for protecting the mages. While he originally balked at the pro-mage decisions of the Inquisition, he ultimately agreed that the Chantry had abused all of its charges-mages and templars both. He began to reshape the Templars under his command to fit in line with the changing world; a choice to take lyrium, and a recovery and rehabilitation plan set in stone for all members who wished to leave, new rules and regulations in place to protect the rights and dignity of both mages and Templars, slowly making them a secular force beyond the Chantry but under the control of Vivenne's newly reformed Circle of Magi perhaps. He does what he believes to be right and for the best of his family, even if they dislike his decisions. A trait he no doubt picked up from his mother.

Lord Gray Hawke of House Amell="You swallow pain and fold around it" This is fitting for Lord Amell. While Jasper and Violet always held loft goals to pursue and Skye simply wanted to go and see the world for all it was, Gray preferred to remain at home and tend to their family. He is the one most connected to the Amell legacy rather than the Hawke self-made determination. That's not to say it isn't there; he's more than willing to help others and make something of himself, but it comes back to wanting to appease and help his family in whatever ways he could. He pines for Anders for a great deal of time, but doesn't make a move due to either Jasper dating the mage or simply not wanting to be a rebound for his brother. In the end, however, Anders surprises him (perhaps nudged on by Skye and Violet) by initiating a kiss and the two quickly develop into a stable relationship. He is even willing to leave all he'd built to go on the run with Anders and further aid him in his cause. Gray is just a cutie who wants a simple meal and a nice husband. If he gets to watch Anders shoot lightning at fools, well, who is he to laugh?

Viscountess Skye Hawke="Because you cannot hold freedom". Accurate. Skye loves her freedom. While she is certainly ambitious, it often comes down to more power means more freedom. She rules as Viscountess of Kirkwall for a time until abdicating in favor of Varric so she can pursue Tallis across the seas, but also to simply go back to adventuring and exploring. While she does not care for the Qun and its Qunari, she cares about people and her family most of all. It is one of the few tethers she did not choose but it is the one she keeps above all others. After all, even the Sky must touch the earth at some point just as a Hawk must return to its nest to rest and tend its young.

Champion Violet Hawke of Kirkwall="Because you have made mistakes you cannot swallow". Fitting given that Violet is both a blood-mage (also a spirit-healer and force-mage) and extremely pro-mage freedom, and her choices often led her to conflict with Jasper due to their views and lives. She has only ever wanted to be free to live her life as she chooses, with is how she fell for Isabela. She fell for Fenris because she's a bleeding heart who wants to help everyone as much as she can. Kirkwall left its mark on her and she's struggling to do better than what she views as a failure due to her diplomatic nature in the name of mage freedom by the time the Inquisition comes around. While just as driven by the cause for equality as Anders, she often privately struggled with her mother's death among the many other revelations and choices of her family, fearing the loss of all she called dear. Luckily Fenris and Isabela returned to her and they made a pact to live well on the seas after everything had settled down and Champion Hawke was no longer needed.

(Awakening)

Senior Warden Dion Caron="This isn't enough for you" Okay. So, Dion joined the Wardens to escape the Templars (p.s. it didn't work) and his adopted sister Victoire-Ainsley was already joining and he had promised to protect her for their parents. He's happily married to Garam and spends much of his time training recruits and fostering camaderie in the ranks of the Wardens. What more could he want? Perhaps it is nothing and the doubt is simply there as is human nature, perhaps he frets about his dwindling time in the world before his Calling, perhaps he does want more. Who can say?

Senior Warden/Warden-Constabke Victoire-Ainsley Caron of Orlais="This isn't enough for you" Pfft. Victoire-Ainsley's ambition to make a name for herself and her family (she came from a long line of Chevaliers) nearly cost her her life and resulted in her father's death. Her mother adopted an orphan boy-Dion-in the hopes it would curb some of her darker tendencies. It partially succeeded. While she did not go as far as she'd once been willing, she still acted ruthlessly and this earned her quite the name in the Game for a time. However, her fall from grace was just as bloody as her rise, and she was only spared by the intervention of the Wardens' Conscription. She lost a great deal and was now forever barred from reclaiming it. She acted out for a time and was surprised when the Wardens allowed-encouraged even-it. However the death of her husband to save them during a nasty skirmish against a powerful broodmother she'd led them against resulted in a mission successful but at a cost she hadn't wanted to pay; only her, Dion, Garam, and I senna made it out alive. Since then, she had been working towards redeeming herself, opening up to the criticism and vulnerability she'd been so afraid of, much like Loghain is when he is sent to Orlais. And so while her pride demands more of her, she focuses instead on what she can provide and tries to bite back the bile this causes. After all, this is for the best and that is enough. Right?

Senior Warden Isenna Andras="You were meant to" Isenna lived first under the Orlesian cruelty in the Alienate and then the Templars' in the Circle. It is no wonder she fights to carve a name for herself in history, to make herself her own, to be what she was never meant to even dream of. She wants to be a hero but struggles against her own inner nature to survive. She is driven by the conflict of selflessness and self-preservation. Perhaps Mhairi's idealism is enough to tip the scales for her.

Senior Warden Garam Kader="Because you have made mistakes you cannot swallow" Accurate. He joined the Wardens after passing off the wrong Carta Boss and then spent years helping Victoire-Ainsley and her brother grow their ambition and then....his unit died beyond the four of them. And all the glamor of the Wardens fell away and he realized just how far some would go and he began to wait for them to step back, hoping they would step back. Victoire-Ainsley and Dion and Isenna did. He did. But the Clarel didn't. He hopes Loughlin will do better as the Warden-Commander of Orlais. He knows he will do better and he knows his husband, Dion, will.

(Wardens)

Warden-Commander Lynera Mahariel of Fereldan="You were meant to" Ouch my heart. Lynera lost Tamlen and never quite recovered. She was forced into a Warden and then into leading the party as the Hero of Fereldan and then into the role of Warden-Commander/Arlessa of Amaranthine and she did it. She took all the pain and hurt and losses over the years, the Taint and its horrors and its strength sapping, the politics and hard decisions; she took it all and she did it. She did what was needed, became what a Grey Warden Commander and hero was meant to be. She can't even say she regrets becoming a Warden anymore as its become so central to her identity now, only mourns the things and people she's lost to get there. I think Sten-excuse me-the Arishok understands this. Perhaps that is why they both hope to never meet on a battlefield unless they are on the same side again.

Warden Isemaya Tabris="You swallow pain and fold around it" Okay that's like SUPER interesting. See, Isemaya learned about the injustices elves face early in life. It cost her her mother's life and very nearly her twin brother's as well, after all. She became a warrior to protect them (her family, her community, her home) and she was good at it. But then she saw a glimpse of a different life with Nelaros, one where she might be happy simply letting someone else deal with all the fighting and clawing and exhaustion. She wanted it, she realized, she wanted it very much. But then she lost him and Shianni was hurt and she was hurt and Vaughn was dead and the humans were so angry. She geared up to protect her people again, to be the brave warrior like her mother before her. And then....Duncan Conscripted her. She was forced from her home, alive and angry and proud, and so she expanded her family to her companions. Then Zevran tried to kill them and they let him live and she watched him like a hawk and saw the same longing for a life, for more in the absence of loss, in him. She helped him heal and learn to live again and he helped her set down her weapons and her anger for a time and then the times became more frequent and they grew closer. She told him she loved him in the brisk Haven air and he gave her a golden earring to match the old and blood-stained wedding band she still wore, and she had found peace. She continued with the Wardens, with helping him take down the Crows, with searching for a cure so they could have more time. She took her pain but instead of weaponizing it like Lynera and others did, she learned to let it go and continue on. She learned to live in spite of, not because of, her pain.

Arcane Advisor Catriona Surana of Fereldan= "Because you have made mistakes you cannot swalllow" Oof. This is definitely Catriona during Origins. Her decisions to betray Jowan, to use blood magic at Ostagar and then to continue to practice and study it despite the stigma it holds, the merging with Compassion to save Cale, to give up her dreams of marriage and freedom and let Alistair marry Anora for the good of Fereldan and again when Leliana went on to become the Left Hand of the Divine and then again as the Divine Victoria...she makes a lot of mistakes and the consequences haunt her for a very long time. While she does manage to find some good in them, or at least simply makes peace with them, they still color how she becomes in 2 and Inquisition and beyond.

Warden Cale Amell=

Teryn Fion Cousland of Gwaren=

Paragon Prince Barran Aeducan=

Warden Paragon Tatha Brosca=

(Origins)

First/Keeper Vireth Mahariel=

"Dark Wolf" Elthorn Tabris=

"Stormcaller" Alaros Surana=

Lord Azul Amell=

Lady "Nightshade" Raven Amell=

Lord Carmine Amell=

Lord Reed Amell=

Lady Marigold Amell=

Captain "Highever Spitfire" Aelynne Cousland=

Princess and Orzammar Commander Valda Aeducan=

(Canon Solo Shepard)

Commander and Spectre Annette Shepard=

(The Sibling Shepards Canon)

Spectre Riley Shepard=

Spectre/XO Roscoe "Ros" Shepard=

Spectre/Commander Joanna "Jo" Shepard=

(Shepard Cousins)

Angelus "Angel" Shepard=

Elliot "El" Shepard=

Jaden "Jay" Shepard=

Alexandra "Alex" Shepard=

Kristopher "Kris" Shepard=

Clover "Clove" Shepard=

(Starship Ryders Canon)

Pathfinder Lucas "Luke" Ryder=

Pathfinder Rebecca "Becca" Ryder=

Pathfinder Shiloh "Shy" Ryder=

Pathfinder Evander "Evan" Ryder=

Pathfinder Asher "Ash" Ryder=

(Baldur's Gate)

Cei Gloomdraft=

Faenerys Elendir=

"Sable Shades" Risaeder Rosandoral=

Saga "Muse" Musehart=

Lyr(e/a/an) Lovemoor=

Rune Mistsea=

Lucine Mistsea=

Roan Roarke=

#my ocs stuff #my baldur's gate 3 ocs #my Shepards #Sibling Shepards #My Dragon Age OCs #My Wardens #My Origins #My Hawkes #My Marquises #My Inquisitiors #My Inner Circles #My Team Tadpole

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aband0ned-s0uls · 3 years

Text

A Like V - Chapter 2

Read below, or on AO3

https://archiveofourown.org/works/28426680/chapters/69670191#workskin

It was like deja vu, sitting in the backstage of a seedy bar, cigarette in hand, impatiently waiting for the band playing before them to finish their set.

Except this time, Johnny was impatient for a different reason. All of Samurai's previous gigs, Johnny had been impatient to get on stage and shred the fuck out of his guitar. To spread his message of vitriol for the corpo scum, to lose himself in the music, and then lose himself in whatever hot young output made their way backstage afterwards asking for an autograph from Silverhand himself. Johnny was always happy to oblige, a carefully balanced slurry of uppers and downers – a well practiced formula – ensuring his impressive cock wouldn't let him down when he was otherwise obliterated.

Shit, he didn't even remember their names, or faces. He had never cared; they were only ever a distraction, an itch that scratched at the never ending urge to feed his ego.

Except now, there was one face that was burned in his mind, etched across his retinas everytime he closed his eyes, that he couldn't forget, that he didn't want to forget.

V...

The woman who drove him fuckin' mad. The woman who's head he'd been trapped inside, who he'd grown to know inside and out, every thought, every feeling. The woman who's raucous laugh made him secretly beam with pride when he coaxed it out with a filthy innuendo, or ridiculous quip. The woman who he admired for never giving in to his stupid shit, who would glady give him a vicious fuckin' earful, tell him he was a being a selfish prick.

The woman who had smiles reserved just for him. Johnny Silverhand, who had never cared before whether he saw a woman again or not after he'd got what he wanted, or give a flyin' fuck about how they felt, had spent more time than he would ever admit to anyone thinking of ways to get the corners of V's round, full lips to upturn.

He had memorised V's face in it's entirety; every line, every freckle, every expression. The way her left eyebrow would arch when she was about to tell someone exactly how she felt about the stupid shit that was coming out of their mouth.

The way her eyes would sparkle with mischief when she told a dirty joke. The way they would turn from grey-blue to turquoise when they were swollen with tears after she'd angry cried. The way the light danced across their surface as she laid in bed, staring at the ceiling, ruminating on the day's events, while Johnny pretended not to watch her.

V, the woman who was on the other side of the very building he was currently sat in, metres away, who thought he was still dead, his soul trapped in cyberspace forever.

His stomach twisted in knots and the ache in his chest returned as he wondered what expression she'd give him when he made his grand entrance.

What he'd said to her in the cyberspace, their happy ending... Would she want it? Johnny had always been arrogant and impulsive, only making decisions based on whether it would be beneficial for him alone, but now he found himself caring more about what V wanted.

And the ultimate question that burned in the back of his mind, could he give her that happy ending? It was true, he had changed, but an old thought whispered through his mind that he hadn't let escape from it's box for a very long time.

Was he good enough? Did he deserve a happy ending?

Shit... Johnny shook his head, ran a hand through his hair, pushing it back from his face. He finished the last half of his cigarette in one long drag, and stubbed it out underneath his boot. He felt like a fuckin' gonk.

He tried to reassure himself that Panam and the Aldecaldos wouldn't have agreed with and gone through a fuckin' insane stealth op during the initial chaos after V solo'd her way through the tower, to have Alt upload his engram to another chip, rescue his chryogenically frozen corpse from 'Saka's frozen meat library, all funded by Kerry and aided by Rogue, if V hadn't been a goddamn mess without him.

Instead of that thought reassuring him, all it did was fill him with guilt.

Fuckin' hell V, how bad did I fuck you up?

His broodings brought him back to the memory of waking up with the worst headache of his life, in a cot in the Aldecaldo camp.

To Panam glaring at him, arms crossed defensively against her chest.

Telling him that they did this for V, not him.

Panam telling him in no uncertain terms that if he used this chance at life to hurt V, she would personally remove his chip and stick it up his ass, making sure he really died this time. Then she'd cut off his cajones, just for good measure, and hang them from the bumper of her Thornton.

Mitch and Saul mirroring her pose at her side, probably trying to add some more muscle to her threat, but Johnny had experienced enough of Panam's wrath through V's eyes. He knew for a fact that the firey nomad would follow through through on her promise.

He smirked as the mental image of Panam enacting her promise flitted through his mind.

When the music stopped and the band before them exited the stage, he found himself glad to be able to busy himself with people watching. His waiting wasn't over yet though. The metal fingers of his bionic arm tapping aimlessly, impatiently, along the metal sideboard he was sat against.

He was hoping that Nancy or Denny, or hell even Kerry, would come and save him from the chaos of thoughts that wouldn't stop swirling around his head, like they had when he'd spent the latter stages of his recovery at Kerry's, drinking, smoking and reminiscing.

He knew they were busy, so he let his mind wander on the same train of thought over to more pleasant memories, reliving their reunion at Kerry's. Their disbelief at having their old friend back, and how easy it was to settle back into the same easy flow as it was before. Except this time, there was less tension. The years had eaten away at any grudges or petty arguments, and he was grateful that even if he was still stuck in this cesspit of a city, that some things hadn't changed.

Until he'd pointed out Denny's gray hairs, and the smart of Denny's slap on the back of his head made him roar with laughter.

Johnny looked up from his lounging positon as he heard Kerry barrel through the doors, and walk over to him. It was still weird, still novel, seeing his old friend from his own eyes. Kerry had changed so much, but Johnny would know his presence anywhere.

He instinctively lit another cigarette as he watched Kerry perform his restless pre-gig stretch routine. Johnny let out a low chuckle at the familiarity of it all.

"Everythin' ready to go?" Kerry asked.

Johnny took another drag. "Ready to rock and fuckin' roll."

Kerry looked down at him, his expression a mixture of amusement and empathy. He smiled wide and smacked Johnny on the shoulder.

"She's gonna fuckin' love it, Johnny. Now stop brooding, lets' go knock her dead."

Johnny scoffed and looked away, rolling his eyes, like a school boy being chastised.

"Of course she will, I'm Johnny fuckin' Silverhand." He lifted his arms up and wide, speaking around his cigarette. "What's not to love?"

Kerry laughed, Nancy catching the tail-end of the conversation as she entered from the door to the stage.

Hand on hip, she stood in front of them.

"Are we sticking to the plan, or are you gonna go 'old Johnny' and do your own thing on us?"

Johnny laughed, bringing his feet down and planting them on the floor, resting his forearms on his knees.

"Chill Nance, I know the drill." He took another long slow drag of his cigarette, smirking as he remembered some of his antics at previous Samurai shows, stealing the show with a perfectly executed guitar solo. Nevermind that it was never at the agreed time, much to his former bandmates' chagrin.

Nancy raised an eyebrow, clearly not believing him. Johnny leaned back and crossed his hands behind his neck.

"You guys start out with Chippin' In. Last chorus of A Like Supreme, I come out for the solo." Nancy's eyebrows lowered, but her hand remained firmly planted on her hip. "C'mon Nance, I'm sober for Christ's sake. Ain't skezzed, like old times."

Although, with the fury of nerves rising in his stomach, Johnny almost wished he was.

"Watchin' you, Silverhand." She said as she headed back out on stage. He caught the slight tilt of her mouth as she turned. His smirk widened. Kerry gave him one last smile and a nod before following after her.

What felt like an eternity later, Johnny heard Chippin' In begin. He rose out of his chair, and headed straight for the bottle of the tequila he'd spied earlier, tucked away behind the side of some boxes.

His mind turned to V again as he popped the top off and took a swig.

He wondered if she still looked the same, if she'd be hiding away in a booth, or standing amongst the crowd. If she was still wearing his dogtags, hand worrying them as though they'd dissapear.

He wondered about a lot of things, but Johnny wouldn't have to wonder for long.

"See you soon, Samurai."

#Johnny Silverhand / Female V #JohnnySilverhand #cyberpunk2077 #fic #spoilers

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mc-doppomine · 3 years

Text

Code Vein AU (Buster Bros!!! ver.)

Ichiro -

Blood Code: Successor of the Eye - A blood code that focuses on brutal hits that leave enemies staggered Ajax - A blood code that focuses on landing critical hits and is an all-rounder sort of code.

Ichiro is a third generation revenant that had been revived for the purpose of Operation Queenslayer, a massive effort to kill the Queen. But prior to this, he was the son of a scientist and a backer to Project Queen. His mother died in an incident with horrors and so he and his brothers were moved to the lab facility. He spent his time essentially raising his brothers as his father became busy with lab stuff. At least Ichiro knows that’s he’s told of it.

He knew of Nemu and Samatoki before hand, them being kids of people that work in the labs, and had gotten along with both of them. Ichiro had looked up to Samatoki although he often caught trouble for being good friends with Nemu too. He and Nemu talked about if there was a world where they could be safe and they leaned towards the hope it could happen. When the Queen frenzied, Ichiro had been arriving to see Nemu before her examinations, as usual. She held not recognition of him and he was killed not far from her room.

When Ichiro was revived for Operation Queenslayer, he refused to serve unless he could procure the BOR parasite for Jiro and Saburo. And when it was secured, well, Ichiro had no reason to not honor his word. Eventually he found Samatoki again and served in his unit. This led to meeting both Jakurai and Ramuda as well. They came together when they put down a revolt that threatened the project. Their unit worked well and came the closest to getting to the Queen. While the name implied killing, both Ichiro and Samatoki had gone in with the intention of freeing Nemu, unable to see her as the Queen.

During a particular operation, Ichiro had come close to being able to take down the Queen but of course wouldn’t land a killing blow. This brought him in contact with Nemu, who was struggling against the parasite and had told Ichiro he needed to take her out unless he wanted her to threatened all he held dear. For him to continue their dream since she was now a threat to it. He was then dispersed and the attempt failed.

Yet after this, Ichiro had gone in favor in putting the Queen down. This enraged Samatoki, who viewed Ichiro as having betrayed him and Nemu. But, knowing Nemu’s wish, accepted Samatoki’s rage and didn’t back down on where he was with the project now. He doesn’t speak much on the aftermath of this to anyone. And since the end of the project, he took on the task of finding Successors, revenants compatible with the Queen’s power, to keep that power contained and divided. He himself taking a part of that power as his compatibility was great.

At current, He is a scout that delves into relatively unexplored areas be it for the infestation of Lost or because of the maze-like design. This gets him paid by the Party of Words and it is something he sometimes takes his brothers with him. He hadn’t returned from a venture, urging Jiro and Saburo to make their way to one of his friends--Ramuda or Jakurai--as per his order should he not return in a given time frame. This is because he feels his control over the Queen’s power he was granted is slipping and isolated himself to keep himself from going mad on innocent revenants.

Jiro -

Blood Code: Cerberus - A blood code that is focused on defense of his comrades and fire.

Technically a fourth generation revenant, one created after Project Queenslayer and usually an attempt bring back deceased. Prior being a revenant, Jiro lived near the laboratory with his family. He wasn’t particularly close to Ichiro during this time due to Ichiro always going to the labs and him getting a bad feeling about the place. As such he tended to be around Saburo a lot more and had been the last line of defense for Saburo when the Lost had gone mad. He managed to make their home a fort although it wouldn’t last forever considering their meager supplies. And with his crude weaponry, they could only last so long when Lost finally broke through.

Jiro was revived in Ichiro’s care and he initially didn’t get along with his brother, viewing his last days as suffering without Ichiro or their father there. Ichiro remarks he cannot turn back the clock but he’ll do what he can right here and now. So it was tentative living situation for them as Jiro was obstinate. His view only changed when he went out to explore, hating hiding out despite Ichiro’s warning. He had gotten into a Lost infested area and was dispersed a few times in his escape. However he was now trapped, unable to spawn a place safe enough for him to get away. This is when Ichiro came for him and rather than nag him outright, he showed Jiro how to properly wield a weapon.

After this venture, they got on a bit better and closer to their normal dynamics. Jiro preferred going on ventures with Ichiro and disliked having to ‘babysit’ Saburo although he never let Saburo make his mistake. He had been proud of himself when he was deemed capable enough to go scouting on his own. He occasionally teamed up with other wandering revenants. Most times were fine but the few that thought it fun to stab him in the back (in both senses), Jiro tended to be petty over it.

When Ichiro didn’t return from an assignment, he wanted to go delving into the deep to find him. However he was reminded of the promise he made to seek out Ichiro’s friends should he be unable to return within his promised time limit. When they met with Jakurai’s crew--Yotsutsuji, Hifumi and Doppo--he and Saburo started to stay at their safe house. He mainly handles the scouting requests that Ichiro normally handles in order to both further the research and keep supplies for himself and Saburo going.

Saburo -

Blood Code: Merlin - A code that specializes in gifts (magic) and ichor draining. Primary Weapon: Bayonet Secondary Weapon: Polearm

Sort of a fourth generation revenant, Saburo held a different take of his life prior to being what he is. Saburo was actually fairly close to his father and held an interest in the research. Of course he was still too young to really help out although he was waiting on their father on getting him in with what insight he could provide. In the mean time he was often hanging out with Jiro, which was fine with him.

When the Lost went mad and he and Jiro were trapped in their home while Lost roamed outside, Saburo was working on contact with someone, anyone. It was fruitless and it wasn’t helped by his health declining from the stress. However he hung on as long as he could for Jiro’s sake but passed from when Lost broke into the house.

When he was revived, he found himself alone. This was when he met with Rei again, who informed of his revival, that Jiro had yet to make a recovery and Ichiro was currently fighting. Saburo was told about the Queen and the ongoing Project Queenslayer. In addition to this, he was told of possible back up plans. Namely if the Queen was too powerful to kill. They sought to find that have compatibility with the Queen’s power. Rei informed that Saburo possessed this compatibility...almost a frightening degree. Like a second Queen candidate however that was viewed as dangerous so Rei remarked it staying their little secret.

And for the duration of Project Queenslayer, Saburo was kept away from other revenants other than some of the researchers and so he had little else to do other than cultivating his blood code. On the times he snuck out, he found himself needing a mask less than a normal revenant and able to purify mistle, plants that are soothing and alluring to the parasite, which make them where revenants respawn, as well as able to take in miasma, making areas safe for revenants.

This skill became useful after the end of Queenslayer and Saburo went to live with Jiro and Ichiro, Rei completley disappearing from the picture. It was an unique ability that was invaluable for exploration. It meant Saburo got to travel with at least one of his brothers often because they figure to deal with mistles for safer travel. Saburo doesn’t particularly like going out to explore so much as his time with Ichiro and Jiro--although it’s not like he’d admit that.

When Ichiro went missing and he and Jiro had to seek out Ichiro’s friends...he finds Jakurai’s crew to spark his interest. Or rather he is interested in their research since he could add to it with some of his knowledge to add to what the trio knows. And because of his purification ability, they find an interest in him as well as he’d allow them to get to places where miasma is too strong. So with a mutual relation, Saburo heads out to assist with the search.

#{Code Vein AU}

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takingcourage · 4 years

Text

Miscalculations: A Witness AU

Chapter Six

Catch up here: Prologue, Chapter One, Chapter Two, Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five

Pairing: M!Cassian x MC

Word Count: 3,600

Series Summary: After years apart, fate brings Kellen and Cassian together a third time. Can they learn from the mistakes of the past, or are they destined to repeat them once more?

Note: This update is a day later than I hoped, and I apologize. Chapter Seven should be ready to go this Sunday!

Even as he’d left Kellen’s apartment, Cassian had tried to steel himself for days or even weeks of silence. He didn’t know how long it would take before she volunteered to let him back in, and he couldn’t be the one to make the first move.

He’d been so certain that things were going well. She’d seemed happy, and her usually controlled persona had slipped away to reveal an openness he’d rarely seen before. When they’d kissed, he’d taken it as proof that they’d found their footing, not just as parents who could come together to care for their child, but as people who could reunite and begin building onto they had once had.

Unfortunately, her words had shattered his theory completely. I don’t know if this is a good idea... I need more time... He could hear her voice on a loop, the faint protestations cutting against the hopes he’d had for their future.

Stepping out of his nightly shower, he caught a glimpse of the purple blotch at his shoulder and leaned toward the mirror for a closer look. Mottled and unsightly, he could see why it had been too much for Kellen to take in.

Pursing lips that were still swollen from her kisses, he tested the skin with his fingertips. It was largely because of that scar that he’d returned to Boston in the first place.

During the initial weeks of his recovery, long before surgeries and physical therapy had restored most of what he’d lost, he’d been forced to reconcile himself to the fact that his ability to perform his job might be in jeopardy. But even as that disappointment weighed him down, another worry haunted him all the more: his job wasn’t enough. His career with the Marshal Service was fulfilling, but he needed something else in his life beside work.

He’d expected Boston to give him some of the predictability he lacked, yet his life had never felt so uncertain.

Turning away from the mirror, he embraced the bitter truth: his desire to have Kellen in his life again had supplanted his better judgment. He was just as enamored as he’d been three years ago -- even more, if he was honest. And yet, he had nothing more to show for the attachment, and infinitely more to lose.

To him, the day had been a preview of everything he wanted his future to be -- if only he had the assurance that it had meant the same for Kellen as well. She’d told him she needed time, but the growing pit in his stomach suggested it couldn’t be that simple. Surely it was obvious to her by now whether their lives were better for having him in them.

He tried to work through the sudden tightness in this throat. What if they are better off without me?

After all, Kellen had proven that she could raise their son on her own. Owen was well adjusted and seemed content enough to continue living on in the same way. Much as it pained Cassian to admit, the boy was probably young enough to forget him entirely in a matter of weeks. If he disappeared now, their lives could return to normal.

But even as his thoughts ran rampant, every fiber of his being repelled the notion. He couldn’t leave them. The three of them had made so much progress before tonight’s misstep, and he sincerely believed that further growth was possible.

If only he knew how they could find their way again.

____

For the rest of the week, he threw himself into his job, taking extra shifts and duties to ensure that he had as few free hours as possible. The physical exhaustion helped him sleep at night, in spite of the way his mind raced over possibilities.

Even as he worked, Kellen and Owen were never far from his thoughts. He found himself wondering what steps he could take, if any, to make things right.

When Saturday came and he still hadn’t heard from her, Cassian typed out a brief message:

I hope the two of you are doing well.

In the half hour he spent waiting for a response, he dared to hope that she’d include an invitation to join them at the park the next day. The forecast wasn’t promising, but perhaps she’d stick to the routine anyway.

When her answer eventually appeared, it was painfully brief.

We are, thanks.

He couldn’t bring himself to send another message, for fear that he’d only make things worse. The balance they needed seemed too delicate for him to uphold. He had to prove that he wasn’t going to leave again, but he couldn't threaten her boundaries or need for control. If he did anything to manipulate Owen’s feelings or her own, she might push him out of their lives permanently.

Toward the end of the second week, his apprehension turned to worry. He knew that they were fine. He could discern as much from Kellen’s single-word responses to his texts, though they told him little else.

He hadn’t sent many: only enough to remind her that he was still there and was thinking of them. He didn’t want to annoy Kellen or lead her to the wrong conclusion, but he couldn’t stand the thought that she might think he’d moved on.

As his lunch break approached on Friday, he glanced over their most recent exchange for what must have been the hundredth time.

I’m sorry for upsetting you the other night. Please call me if you want to talk about anything.

okay

Smoothing the glass with his thumb, he gave a heavy sigh. He hated the thought of going another weekend without seeing them. One missed Sunday had been enough to throw him off-kilter for the rest of the week. He didn’t relish the thought of extending their streak any further.

Deep down, he knew they were never going to get anywhere unless Kellen talked with him. But it was possible that he might reach her by proxy, and he was just desperate enough to try. Before he could think better of it, Cassian tapped out a message to Harika and slipped into the break room for lunch.

Would you be willing to give me some advice?

Her response arrived in under a minute. Probably.

He put his leftovers in the microwave and took a seat at the small laminate table. While the food heated, he continued the impromptu conversation. Thanks. Kellen’s hardly responded to my messages this week. Is she okay?’

She’s at work today, if that’s what you mean. She’s been distracted though.

He was typing the followup when another message came:

Don’t tell her I said that.

Returning to the beginning of his text, he made a quick addition: I won’t. Here’s my question. Do you think I should back off for a while? I don’t want to make her life miserable. I can give her some space if that’s what’s best for them.

NO. Absolutely not.

Even if that’s what she wants? The microwave dinged, and Cassian retrieved the dish. Sitting alone at the empty table, it struck him how much easier this would be if Kellen could just tell him what she wanted. The constant guesswork was taking its toll on him.

His phone screen lit with Harika’s reply: It’s not. Not to be cringey, but she needs you.

Ignoring his food, he responded: If that’s true, I don’t think she’s aware of it.

It is. She was a mess when you left. I’ve never seen her like that with anyone before.

He laid down the phone, staring through the steam that rose from his rapidly cooling lunch. On the surface, it seemed like the news should play in his favor, but the Kellen of three years ago and the Kellen of today were significantly different people. Even if she’d missed him dearly all those years ago, it didn’t mean she missed him now.

It came as something of a surprise when the screen lit again, cutting him out of his musings.

If she doesn’t come to her senses soon, I’ll lock the two of you in a closet or something.

He scurried to pick up the phone. Please don’t do that. She really might kill me then.

Or she’d jump you. ; )

With a groan, he pushed the phone away. The last thing he needed right now was a reminder of what he was missing when it came to Kellen’s touch. Those kisses many nights before had been enough to wake the desire that he’d been struggling to keep at bay since seeing her again. That woman still had the ability to drive him absolutely wild.

…Thanks for the advice, he settled on, then flipped the phone over.

Returning to his lukewarm lasagna, Cassian cut a large bite with his fork. It hadn’t even been a fortnight since he’d seen them, but it felt like an eternity. Until this stretch, he hadn’t realized how much he looked forward to their park visits throughout the week. Missing one and not knowing when he’d see them again was starting to wear him down.

He ate quickly, eager to return to whatever distraction work could offer. When he moved to slip his phone into his pocket, he was surprised by the sudden vibration.

“What now, Harika?” he muttered under his breath before seeing the sender’s name: Kellen.

Eyes widening, he unlocked the screen and devoured her message:

Owen’s been asking about you. Any chance you’d be free to come over sometime? The forecast looks awful for going to the park this week.

Hardly daring to breathe, he typed his answer with haste. I’m off at 5:00 tonight. I could bring dinner over after that if you want.

I’ll take care of dinner, but that sounds great. He’ll be ecstatic.

Will you? He wanted to ask, but he was afraid of learning the answer. Instead he wrote, I’ll be there by 6:00.

Great! See you then.

_____

Arriving at her apartment several hours later, Cassian quickly rapped his knuckle against the door. He waited for a response, puzzled when he was met with several seconds of silence. “I’m on my way!” he heard finally, just making out Kellens voice as it carried through the thick wood.

Cassian released a breath he hadn’t noticed he’d been holding.

“Come on in,” Kellen beckoned, rushing off as soon as she’d unlatched the door. He followed her curious movements before Owen’s shrill greeting from the other room caught his attention.

“Mister Keane!”

“He can’t leave the carpet,” Kellen explained. “I dropped a glass and it got everywhere.”

“Are you hurt?” he asked, hurrying inside to ascertain that all was well. Though shards of glass covered the tile floor, he saw no blood or other cause for worry.

“No, but can you take him to his room while I get this cleaned up? If he steps on anything...”

“Of course.” Cassian nodded in understanding and proceeded immediately toward the living room. Owen was tiptoeing the small wooden divider, impatient to see his visitor.

Crossing over to him, Cassian held his hand out for a high five, but the toddler hugged his legs instead. Cradling the small face, he brushed a thumb against the boy’s temple. “What is it, a stór? Have you been good for your Ma?”

“Uh-huh!” He assured, releasing his strong hold to show Cassian a broad grin.

“I’m glad to hear it.”

Cassian didn’t even have a chance to unbutton his coat before he felt the toddler’s insistent hand at his knee. “Come!”

The man obliged, allowing the child to lead him through the apartment and to his bedroom.

“Trains,” he explained, pointing to the extensive track circumnavigating the floor.

Cassian found an empty space on the carpet and sat with a grin. “You have an awful lot of them, don’t you? Can you show me how they work?”

“Uh-huh!” he chirped for the second time in as many minutes.

His smile widened at the child’s innocent enthusiasm. He watched the imperfect attempts to couple the engines to the railcars, intrigued by his trial and error as he tested the ends of the magnets until they stuck.

Once the train was in one piece, Owen placed a yellow engine in Cassian’s lap and slid a pair of similarly colored cars in his direction.

“You really don’t like yellow, do ya?”

“Huh-uh.” His own blue and red creation was assembled and ready to leave the turntable. “Choo choo!”

He chuckled at the boy’s accompanying hand motions. Hooking his own pieces together, Cassian set them on the track to join in the play. He’d only moved them a couple of inches before Owen began chasing the yellow train with his own, cackling as he picked up speed.

Cassian’s own laughter soon joined, prompted more from his relief than from the hilarity of the situation. Reunited with his son at last, the frustration of the past several days faded to mere memory.

“Choo choo!” Owen cried again, his train butting up against the final car of Cassian’s.

“I’d better keep it going, hadn’t I?” he asked, rolling the toy around a precariously sharp turn.

Owen angled his face toward Cassian, nose wrinkled and eyes scrunched almost shut with his emphatic grin.

“I’ve missed ya,” he breathed, blinking against the tears that sprang to his eyes. I hope I never go so long without seeing you again, he reflected, wondering if there was anything he could do to dissuade Kellen from such absences in future.

His heart clenched at the reminder of how things stood between the two of them.

He wanted to be part of Owen’s life, no matter what that meant for him and Kellen. Even if he could only have the bits and pieces she was comfortable with, he wouldn’t sacrifice these moments for the world.

Their playdate came to an end sooner than he would have liked when Kellen called them to dinner.

“Dinner’s ready,” she announced, leaning against Owen’s doorjamb. “I hope you still like Spaghetti Bolognese.” If he wasn’t mistaken, there was an almost nervous hesitance in the way she framed the last statement.

“I do,” he rushed to answer as they followed her into the dining room. “And I haven’t had it in ages, so it sounds perfect.”

Kellen let out a quiet breath and set the bag of takeout on the table. “It’s nothing.”

As he strapped Owen into his booster seat, Cassian found himself hoping that it wasn’t really nothing. Was remembering one of his favorite dishes a sign of her impeccable memory, or was it something more?

For the rest of the evening, he endeavored to keep a tighter rein on his thoughts.

Though his composure held through dinner, it wavered during Owen’s bedtime reading. Voice trembling, Cassian’s ability to concentrate on the words was overpowered by an increasingly familiar longing for time to stand still. Kellen offered a smile, and the gesture was almost enough to make his voice crack again.

This was everything he wanted, so close that it was almost within his grasp. He wanted a future of nights like this, even if they were sprinkled through the ones he spent alone.

After he finished, Kellen took the lead in tucking the boy in. Turning the light out behind them, she laid a hand on Cassian’s arm. Intrigued, he sought her face when they stepped into the light of the hallway.

“Sit with me?” she asked, motioning toward the couch.

He followed with some confusion, his brow creasing at the serious look on her face. Even after they sat, it was some time before she relieved his curiosity. “He’s been a mess the past several days,” she uttered, breaking the silence.

“So have I, if I’m honest.”

Kellen’s mouth tugged sympathetically. “I shouldn’t have waited so long.”

Though he hoped her regret signaled a change of heart, Cassian didn’t have the faintest idea how to respond. He didn’t want to condemn a decision she’d made with her best judgment, but he didn’t want to let the opportunity pass either. He was still trying to find the right words when she went on.

“He talks about you constantly. He’s asked to see you every single day.”

“I know that isn’t what you wanted,” he began, hesitating over what he’d intended to be an apology. But he couldn’t bring himself to say that he was sorry for the circumstance.

She looked conflicted, eyes downcast as she tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. “I think it actually might be a good thing.”

His eyes narrowed at the bizarre sentiment. “Why?”

“Because I realized he’s not the only one who thinks about you all the time...” Her blue eyes met his, shimmering with the gleam of unshed tears. “And that helped to clarify some things for me. Do you think we could we talk? Not tonight -- it’s been a long week, and I need sleep more than anything else -- but soon?”

He took a cautious breath, afraid that reminding her of his presence would break the spell that seemed to have come over her. “Is something the matter?”

“No,” She paused before carrying on, a resolved expression stealing over her face. “Nothing at all. I'm just ready to say some things that I should have said a long time ago.”

Still somewhat tentative, he took her hand. The way she clung to his fingers did him a world of good. “I’d be glad to talk anytime. I have the weekend free.”

“Maybe we could meet somewhere else? It’s probably best not to have Owen underfoot. ”

“Whatever you think is best. I hate to make you find a babysitter--”

Her hoarse laugh cut off the rest of his sentence. “That won’t be any trouble at all. Harika’s been volunteering for weeks.”

“Somehow that doesn’t surprise me. Last time I talked to her, she threatened to lock us in a closet until we get things sorted out,” Cassian shared, thumb still running along the smooth surface of her knuckles.

Kellen snickered at the notion, but when she met his gaze, her features had settled into something vulnerable and open. He could count on one hand the number of times she’d been willing to reveal her true self to him like this, and he could only hope that this wasn’t the last time he saw it.

“I swear she thinks we’re back in college sometimes. I’ll have to double check with her about the time, but maybe we could meet tomorrow? I don’t want to put this off.”

“Neither do I. You’re welcome at my place if you’d like. It’s not much, but we wouldn’t be disturbed. I’ve got a well-stocked pantry if you end up staying for a while.”

“I think I’d like that,” she agreed, her eyes still trained on him.

The fine hairs on his neck rose. “I think I would too.” It was still somewhat unnerving to see this side of her -- this honesty about her feelings and desires -- but he couldn’t deny it was a welcome change. “Come by anytime.”

“Thanks -- for everything.” Still holding firmly to his hand, she shifted nearer on the couch. He'd just lifted an arm to wrap around her shoulder when her phone buzzed from the dining table. “I’ll be right back,” she promised.

At her quiet curse some moments later, Cassian rose to his feet to see if he could do anything to help. She was still staring down at the screen, scrolling through what appeared to be a chain of emails.

“It’s something for work. I’m so sorry.”

“Do you need to go back to the office? I can stay here with Owen if you’d like.”

“No, I can take care of it from home. But I’m not going to be very good company for the next few hours.”

“I understand. Don’t run yourself too ragged. You need some sleep too,” he reminded, stretching out a finger to trace her cheek. She caught his hand with her own and squeezed it tightly.

“I’ll try. Otherwise, I might need to nap on your couch tomorrow.”

He tried not to envision a drowsy Kellen showing up on his doorstep, though their time in Nantucket had left him with a wide selection of memories to choose from. So many of their days had started and ended with her ragged yawning and sleep-addled attempts to flirt. “I wouldn’t complain if you did.”

Kellen arched a brow, but said no more.

Pulling back his hand, he allowed it to fall to his side. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Kellen,” he promised, making for the door.

“Cassian?”

He paused, pivoting toward her in anticipation of whatever parting thought she wished to impart.

“Before you go, I’m sorry for giving you so many mixed signals -- especially the last time you were here. Can you forgive me?”

Such concessions were hardly like her. If her tone hadn’t been so somber, he might have made a quip about the unexpected nature of her apology. Instead, he simply said, “Of course,” and stepped forward to envelop her in a hug. “Thanks again for tonight; I missed the two of you more than I can say.”

"I hope you won’t have to miss us quite so much anymore,” she told him quietly as she stepped out of his embrace.

Heart thundering wildly beneath his ribcage, Cassian managed another smile. For the first time since meeting Kellen again, he knew the two of them were in full agreement. “I do too. Goodbye, Kellen.”

“Bye, Cassian.”

Still somewhat dazed, he left her and began his long journey across the city.

#playchoices #playchoices fanfiction #witness: a bodyguard romance #cassian keane #cassian x mc

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honestynhedonismthings · 3 years

Text

Hell and Back

I’d already been through the wringer. I suffered from a case of sepsis which I found out later was caused by a cut I’d received while having my new mirena inserted. I was getting a new mirena inserted after earlier in the year falling pregnant with a unviable embryo, meaning it wasn’t implanted in my uterus. I miscarried that pregnancy, it was never viable to begin with but it hurt just as much to lose it. It was later discovered I’d fallen pregnant because the mirena I’d had in at the time was dislodged and actually broken, hence getting it replaced when I found out. The most shocking thing wasn’t even the mirena saga, it’s the fact that after my ectopic pregnancy, I’d spent a lot of time and money on doctors who all told me that it was very unlikely I would ever conceive naturally. The sepsis was caught early because being a medical student, I know to keep my own records, and was able to help my doctors retrace my steps and figure out how what could be causing me to be so sick as it was an unusual type of sick for me. I’ve been through a lot in my life, I know my body and I know when something isn’t right. Fast forward to post recovery and you’re being helpful and nice and its familiar and we fell into old patters and slept together.. more than once.. A mistake really but when emotions are running high, sometimes you lose control. It stops anyway, we stop talking. I’m doing well, I’m being a teenager for the first time in my life and everything is sorta normal. I missed my period. I never miss my period. I took 12 pregnancy tests and threw out my pack of smokes after taking the first one. I was pregnant. Scared shitless and pregnant. You’re the only person I’ve had unprotected sex with. I couldn’t believe it. After the miscarriage, I double checked with the doctors again and they still said I’d never have a viable pregnancy and here I was, pregnant, with my ex boyfriend’s child when we’re both finally moving on. I spent that night at the hospital. Shortly after finding out I was pregnant I began to have pains in my stomach, I assumed it was anxiety and ignored it for a few hours until the pain got worse and I feared this pregnancy was ectopic as the pain was so similar to that of an ectopic pregnancy and having already had surgery for that when I was 16, I wasn’t ready to do that again. After a few hours and tests at the hospital, I was free to go home and Chad bought me dinner and I cried. I instantly knew you wouldn’t believe me. You were always in denial about things that were right in front of you. The biggest being that we weren’t good together, the second being that Chad and I are the same person basically. You were stalking my private Tumblr blog, as you were known to do. That’s how you found out I was pregnant. I’d written a journal entry about the whole thing and you messaged me accusing me of lying and came to my house to confront me. I had evidence waiting though, I knew you. Everything I said had to come with evidence when we were together so I knew I had to be especially prepared this time. You’d already accused me of lying in the previous unviable pregnancy; even after I took a pregnancy test with you right there, even after you followed me to the pregnancy advisory centre and accused me of not having an appointment, records confirm I did. You came to my house and I gave you my ultrasounds, the 12 pregnancy tests, the discharge letter from the hospital and a pregnancy record book signed and dated from my GP, you still thought it was bullshit. I was devastated and done with the conversation. I was strong. Until I got sick. I had hyperemesis which is morning sickness on steroids and I’d had it the entire time I was pregnant. For 8 weeks I couldn’t drink or eat. Every day I would try and take a prenatal vitamin because I hadn’t decided and I wanted to do but I wanted to do what was right until I had, but every single day it would come back up and I would cry at my own body hating me. My own body had been against me from the very beginning and it killed me. During those weeks you would ask me to come with you to McDonalds and you would sit there and tell me it’s over with her and you want to be with me but we can’t have a child right now. You sat there and told me you loved me and we would be together and have a family the right way but I had to get a termination now. I tried so hard to be strong but I always ended up in tears which made me that much more tired. I could barely stay upright as it was. I was so nauseous, every day I thought I’d pass out trying to get to the bathroom. Chad used to come home during his lunch breaks to find me laying feotal position crying in exhaustion because the nausea meant I never slept, anger for you trying to manipulating me, hunger, sadness, but probably worst of all was the the all consuming love I felt for the baby inside me. I’d been told it wasn’t possible. All I’d ever wanted was to be a mum and there were so many obstacles in the way but there she was, innocent in all of this. Perfect. But you didn’t care. She was your obstacle, she was an inconvenience to you and that made you determined to get what you wanted. I most likely would have come to that decision anyway because right now I can’t imagine having a family with anyone else except for Chad, he’s my soul mate. The problem I have is that the decision wasn’t mine. It was a manipulation. I can’t come to terms with what happened because I know I didn’t make that decision for myself. I respect her memory every single day and every single decision I’ve made since has been so one day I’ll be ready for her. That day you took me to the pregnancy advisory centre, I couldn’t fight anymore, I’d given in to your manipulation. I was so tired and sore and hurt, I needed you to take care of me, you’d been in my life for so long and I momentarily forgot everything else, in that moment I just needed you to make it okay. It was only supposed to be an initial consultation. I’d been there before, I knew the drill. I knew in the back of my head I still had a little time for a sign from the universe, something that would tell me it’s okay and I’d be at peace with it because it would have been my decision. But they had a cancelation and of course I’d already been fasting, I hadn’t eaten for weeks. It was happening too fast and you were right there looking so happy that there was no way out. I couldn’t tell you no and that I needed more time. We both know how that would have gone down. All of a sudden there’s a nurse putting an IV in my arm and I’m crying asking for you but you’re not there. I’m all alone. And before I know it, she’s taken from me. Sucked from me with a medical vacuum cleaner like she’s nothing but she was my everything. And I’m awake and I’m still crying for you, I’m yelling at nurses to get you but it’s like they can’t hear me, begging them to bring you here, trying to get up and not being able to feel my legs. Watching people walk past me like nothing happened and I have nothing to be upset about because I came here, you didn’t put a gun to my head. It was a different type of gun and it was pointing at my heart and when she was taken from me I had nothing. Eventually someone brought me out to see you and I can’t believe what I’ve done. I’m crying and you told me you loved me, I didn’t know it would be for the last time. I had no idea just how alone I really was. She was gone, and the next day so were you.

And it’s really only because of Chad that I’ve come out on the other side better than ever. Instead of putting the pieces back together for me, he gave me the time and understanding I needed to put myself back together in a new way and become a better person. Have I made mistakes, fuck yes, but who hasn’t. I can’t regret a single second of it because it’s all what got me to now and I’m the best version of myself right now. I never thought I’d actually make it to 21 and here I am and I actually want to be here. For me.

#mystoryisntoveryet #schizoaffective #disorder #pregnancy #miscarriage #termination #domesticviolencesurvivor #recovery

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