#it's weird to me because way back in my teen years i'd say ''i want my work acknowledged and loved'' | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

matchingbatbites · 1 year

Text

Love Grows - Part 2

More teen dad Steve! This shaping up to be around 8-9 parts, so keep an eye out for more!

Ao3 | Part 1 | Part 3

March '85

Steve gets more comfortable bringing Rosemary to school. Twice a week he brings the 6 month old along as he goes to class, and when Eddie asks him about it one day, Steve just shrugs. "I used to pay for a sitter on those days, because the usual one can't watch her, but I'd rather have her with me since everyone knows anyway." And yeah, that makes sense.

Eddie starts taking her during Steve's free period, so the guy has a chance to do some schoolwork without worrying about keeping an eye on his kid. He enjoys it, the time he gets with Rosie one-on-one, but he really enjoys lunch on those days, because Steve will bring her out to Eddie's van - which Eddie scrubbed clean before offering the first time - and they'll eat lunch and talk while Rosie stretches out in the soft blankets laid out in the back.

He gets some weird looks, including the occasional piercing stare from Nancy Wheeler that he pointedly ignores, as well as his own share of whispers whenever he goes around with Rosie. He’s grateful that the years of acting out, of perfectly honing his loud, unruly persona has left him immune to the chatter. All that matters is Rosie, and Steve, and making sure they’re both taken care of.

The first time Steve asks him to watch Rosie outside school hours, he is visibly stressed. Apparently there's a big basketball game this Friday night and Steve's usual sitter is unavailable, and is there any way he could watch Rosie for a couple of hours? Please?

There's a little voice in the back of Eddie’s mind that screams about it being a Hellfire night, and a baby would be too distracting, would just get in the way. The tantrum is quickly silenced when Steve shoots him those pleading, hazel puppy eyes, and fuck, Eddie’s resolve falls like a house of cards. On Friday he finds himself taking Rosie's carrier and diaper bag as Steve rambles on a little, clearly nervous.

"I fed her like an hour ago, so she should be okay until after the game. She should stay asleep the entire time, but if she wakes up, just hold her- And you know what you're doing, I don't know why I'm going on about this."

Eddie can't help the smile that spreads over his face as he reaches out to pat Steve's shoulder. "It's fine, man. You're worried about the game and you're projecting. It'll be okay."

Steve nods and takes a breath. "Do you want me to meet you back here after the game? Or I can come to wherever you are to get her, if that's easier."

Eddie hoists the diaper bag higher on his shoulder. "I’m actually going to be hanging around for a little while. There's a room back behind the drama department, you can meet me there to pick her up."

“Yeah, I can do that,” he says, hands twisting nervously in the strap of his own bag, and Eddie leans over, nudges Steve with his elbow. “You’re gonna do great, Stevie. You’ll have to tell me all about it when you pick up Rosie.”

Steve seems to appreciate the encouragement, gives Eddie a soft “Sure thing,” as they walk into the school together, and the younger waves before they split up and head their separate ways.

Eddie's friends are baffled when they see Rosie, her carrier placed in a spare seat so he can see her easier, and yeah, Eddie gets it. They know that he watches her sometimes, have seen him around with her, but he’s never brought her into their circle before.

Gareth is the first to actually comment on it with a curious "Hey, Eddie? Why do you have Harrington's baby?"

"Because, Gareth, I'm an excellent babysitter, and my services were needed."

He sends Gareth a blinding smile and the younger rolls his eyes, opens his mouth to say something but is cut off when Andy smacks his hand on the table.

"Listen, Eddie. I know you've got your whole, whatever the fuck, going on with Harrington, but Hellfire is sacred, man! You can’t just bring in a fucking baby because King Steve asked you to!"

The room goes quiet at the outburst, and Eddie takes a breath, places his hands on the table and leans forward as he levels a look at the guy. "Steve is raising this baby by himself, and when he needed a hand he came to me because he trusts me, and I agreed because he’s my friend. If you have a problem with me helping out a friend, Andy, then you can fucking leave."

There’s a beat as Eddie stares him down, dares him to say something else before Andy looks away, and Eddie nods firmly as he relaxes a bit, satisfied that there won’t be any more objections about Rosie being there. He starts the session soon after, and the interaction slips to the back of his mind as they all focus on the game

Despite Steve's assurances, Rosie wakes up after about an hour, but before Eddie can reach over to shush her, Gareth is on his feet. He pulls her from the carrier and cradles her in his arms, and when Eddie shoots him a look he just shrugs.

"I haven't been able to do this since Maggie was a baby, let me have this, man."

Right, Eddie forgot about the fucking eleven year gap between Gareth and his little sister. The guy probably has more baby experience than Eddie and Steve combined, and that's the only reason Eddie allows it to happen, not because Gareth looks so quietly happy to be holding a baby again. He almost says something when Matt takes her a little while later, but Gareth shows him how to hold her, how to make sure she's comfortable, and Eddie settles down, keeping an eye out while still running the game.

Over the next hour, Rosie gets passed around the table. When someone's arms get tired, she goes on to the next person, although Chris pointedly passes over Andy and hands her directly to Jeff. Eddie smirks at the slight disappointment on Andy's face, and the smug delight on Jeff’s as he cradles the sleeping baby close, shushes her gently when she lets out a weak cry.

The whole scene makes Eddie proud, proud that his boys aren’t afraid to show this level of care for a child they don’t even know, that belongs to someone they have a history of disliking.

They're completely engrossed in the game when there's a knock on the door, and Eddie looks up to see Steve entering the room. He looks around and frowns, and Eddie feels a rush of - panic? resolve? - when he glances over to see Jeff still holding Rosie.

Steve makes his way over to Eddie, and the older braces himself for a rude comment, prepares to defend his flock, to the point that he’s surprised when instead, Steve says "You could have told me you already had plans for tonight, Eddie. I would have found someone else."

The weight in Eddie's stomach lifts a little, and he scoffs as he steps over to take Rosie from his friend. “It’s fine, Steve. She’s been silent as a mouse, a perfect angel, honestly.” Steve hums skeptically, watches as Eddie straps Rosie back into her carrier before handing it and the bag over.

Eddie motions to the door, follows Steve out and closes it behind them as he says "Listen, Steve, I'm sorry. I should have asked before I let anyone else hold her, but Gareth started it and he knows a lot about babies because of his sister, and then Matt took her from him before I could and-"

He cuts himself off when he sees the amused smile on Steve's face, and he gives a confused "What?"

Steve shakes his head. "I don't mind if your friends hold her, Eddie. She's pretty used to being held, and they seemed to be careful with her."

"You don't mind if everyone holds her?" Eddie asks, trying to be subtle, and Steve, beautiful, smart Steve, just smiles wider.

"You know, when I got my face beat in by Billy Hargrove last year, it's because he was being a racist asshole towards one of my kids. I wasn't gonna stand for it, so I put myself between him and Lucas. He broke a plate over my head for it." He settles the diaper bag higher on his shoulder and takes a step back. "Your friends seem nice, Eddie. Maybe you can introduce me next time?"

Steve seems to be making a habit of surprising him, and Eddie can't stop the smile that spreads across his face as he nods. "Sure thing, Stevie. Get home safe, yeah?"

"Will do. Night, Eddie," he says before walking off, and Eddie is alone in the hall when he responds with a soft "Night, sweetheart."

Tag list:

@luciana-rowan @bidisastersworld @little-gae-shit @thehumblefigtree @lifeisnotsobadonceyoustopcarin @estrellami-1 @shrimply-a-menace @anaibis @livelaughlexa @vampireinthesun @zerokrox-blog @mackdaddyofheimlichcountyy @idea-less-author @thegingerrapunzel @fantasyfr3ak @stevesbipanic @electrick-marionnett @tuesdaycats @seths-rogens @flustratedcas @qomrades @artiststarme @death-the-elf @stardustonpages @trensu @otaku-bell-livemotto @thev01dd @demolvr

If you asked to be tagged and you're not in this list, it means I tried to tag you and your name didn't come up! Feel free to ask again, and I'll try again on the next part.

#enjoy some hellfire boys being soft (mostly)#teen dad steve #love grows #steddie fanfic #steddie #steve harrington #eddie munson #stranger things #joey writes #if you want to be tagged please say so in the tags/replies #edit: now with ao3 link!

655 notes · View notes

bonesandthebees · 2 months

Note

wanted to do my own bit of thanking you. It's so weird how time flies when you're in your teenage years, because three years can pass and it'll take you from a child to nearly an adult. So I guess that's just how I'm saying, your writing and your presence in the fandom was so ...impactful, to my formative years. In a good way. I've always adored your writing in a way that could never be replicated by other writers, and never for any fault or lacking in their works, because I adore them the same amount, just differently. I'd always go back to your writing for characterizations of ctommy, because it'd always been my favorite, even now that I'm older and my opinions are changed. Your writing always has so much life to it, and any way you go I guess I'm just happy you'll still be writing, because you helped me a lot with my own writing, even if not directly. I'm struggling a little (lot), but in my anger I just think about how we've all made these characters ours. The fandom has always done a brunt of the heavy lifting for the creative side, and you all deserve the credit.

man it's still so wild to me that my fics have been read by some people from their teen years to adulthood. like for one thing it's a stark reminder of how long I've been here, and it's also just surreal to remember how many people read my fics and how long some of you guys have been following me for. especially when you guys keep enjoying my writing even as you grow up and change opinions and likes and dislikes and all that. it genuinely means more to me than you could ever know.

I'm sorry you're struggling but know that all of us are in the same boat right now. these characters are ours like you said. the fandom was kept alive by the writers and artists and people who made edits and people who wrote meta posts and anlayses and just the community is what made this what it is and I don't want anyone to let one person take all the joy from that away from them

#ask #anon #wilbur situation

26 notes · View notes

dgiacomo · 4 months

Note

Hey mun I have a question about Giacomo’s age

Why do you depict him when he’s like 20 during ScarVio’s events? Since I see people normally depict him in his late teens :O

[I've met with an awful lot of resistance about his age, honestly, though mostly from people off of this website (thankfully!)... but there's absolutely a reason. Multiple, really!

Before I start, let me just state that what I'm about to say is my opinion/analysis of this media and mine alone... the fact I interpreted it in this way doesn't stop anybody else's interpretation from existing or change the base material. These are purely my thoughts behind why I did what I did a whole year ago now (wow).

---

Ok, so first of all! Yes, it's very easy to sit and go "this is a school so everybody in it is going to be between the age of 11 and 18 THAT IS A FACT" and usually, that's the thought lines I'd go to as well... but the game explicitly and often reminds that the faculty is an academy.. and that people of ALL AGES can be in it... there's even a guy who... says he's been flunking for 60 years or something and he needs to get credits?! Come on, dude. XD

But yes, the fact is that they have explicitly stated that attending and grades do not equal age... in the DLC even there's somebody who says you can't determine somebody's year group by their age/vice versa because of this fact (so Blueberry also runs on the same rules). Students can also fail and fail and fail and take the year over and over basically indefinitely and not be kicked out as long as they attend in some way.

So. Somebody studying at the academy isn't a child is the fact you can gather from that. That's what they're trying to say, I'd guess.

---

So that's the base work for the theory. Another aspect was that back when the game had JUST released... I actually saw a lot of people complaining that Giacomo, in particular, "looked like an old man being all 'hello fellow kids'"... back then that was a popular take, people interpreted him as older and it was weird to them that he was supposed to be a student when he looked OLD to them.

That was another step in the theory.

---

Next comes the actual game content. When I started this blog/comic, I had a handful of story segments I wanted to tell and explore, I basically planned all of it before I started (and we've seen a lot of them at this point, but not all). I needed to determine all the information I knew before I started. That was;

Team Star are a bunch of students who were bullied in the past.

At least 1.5 years before the game starts, these students carried out their plan to beat the bullies

In these 1.5 year prior flashbacks, they are all the same heights and build as in the "current day"

Giacomo was student council president at least a while before the 1.5 year prior flashbacks

They have advanced skills in things like auto mechanics and seamstry

What that tells me is that these characters had reached their mature heights at least 1.5 years before the game began... for girls that's around 14/15, but for men that's 16-18. For Giacomo in particular, he has a very broad set of shoulders and a sturdy build (in the base game, a year ago)... so he has reached his full shoulder/chest broadness which men only achieve when they are 20 or older.

That told me that Giacomo AT LEAST was over 20 years old in the flashbacks 1.5 years prior to the game. He's at least 21/22.

---

Then I looked at his past. He was student council president at least some time before the 1.5 year prior flashbacks. We've seen his student council hair, it's short. Hair takes time to grow. From my notes here I worked out that he must have been president at least 3 years before the game to allow his hair to grow out that much before the flashbacks.

I'm pretty certain people only really get the chance to be student council president in their final study year (in real life, I'm not sure it's ever mentioned in game), it tends to be a privilege that final year students get... so he was in his final year when he was in that position... and his shoulders were the same, so he was at least 20 at that point as well.

That would make him at least 23 in the base game at this point!

Also, he's balding and has been since he was student council president XD And it's quite strong, he has a big old forehead. Looking that up, the first signs of balding can start (thinning etc) at 17 if you're particularly unlucky with genetics. I had to account for his balding to have progressed as far as it had by the time he was president, 3 years before the start of the game!

---

What made me decide for 25 for his age is just the thinking that for him, he probably went to the academy as a university age student. He had to have been bullied for quite a few years prior to be in his final year and that bitter.

That aside, I find it hard to believe a bunch of kids would be master hackers, master engineers, master seamstresses etc. over 1.5 years prior to how we're seeing them now XD I'm somewhat stuck on Ortega's age because he is SO SHORT but he always has been SO SHORT... but he's also a master auto mechanic. I find it very hard to suspend my disbelief that a 12 year old could build those Starmobiles on their own... considering they have all been in limbo basically for at least 2 years, I think they are all older than you'd think

(A side thought is that I doubt children could get away with playing truant for 1.5+ years without being expelled or given detention or something... It's only adults you can't force to attend an education and can only threaten with dropping their enrolment if they won't attend.)

----

Anyway, that's a simplified thoughts version of the gruelling process I went through to pick an age for him that made sense for me for this comic. I probably missed bits out that also went towards me deciding this age, if I remember them, I'll add them!

Thanks for reading if you got this far. =B]

#Pokemon #Giacomo #munday #(on a monday!! Wow!)

23 notes · View notes

cowboyjen68 · 1 year

Note

Hi Jen, please forgive me if this sounds deranged. I understand if you don't reply, but I don't know any older women like me to go to for advice. Also, please disregard this if i forget to press anon (paranoid lol)

I never thought I wanted kids, my fiancé says she doesn't (sometimes she says things that make me think otherwise, but im going to say she doesn't because I have to take her at her word)

The thing is that recently it's been more and more in my head. Im in my early 30s so I don't know if it's a biological clock thing, I know I should say it to her but im not sure if I should either because I don't want to cause problems in our relationship, but also I don't even know if I understand how I feel about it (this is made worse by the fact that, while we live in the same city, we have temporarily had to live apart for financial reasons while saving for a mortgage)

The thing is, I feel like I'm starting to really want kids, which I know I should say to her

But

I feel like I only want kids with her if that makes sense? If I was with anyone else, I wouldn't want to

I'm not even sure if I actually want kids at all. It's more like (sorry if this is gross or anything). i have this increasing... need for want of a better word? To have with her what straight people have, I wish I could get pregnant by her somehow, I wish I could make a person who is made of me and of her, this makes me feel guilty and pained and confused (just to clarify this is not sexual confusion, I am and have always been exclusively same-sex attracted) I guess I just am at the point where I love her so much that I want something that I can't have, im not sure whether I actually want kids or whether it's some hormonal thing but (I know this sounds weird) i3 guess I wish I could express our love in that way? But I'm kind of in my feelings and confused about it, I dont know where to start or whether to tell her or what I would even say to her about it. Also most of my friends are either younger (wouldn't get it) or straight (and it would be humiliating to me to go to them over something that they could do without a second thought)

Anyway, i thought I'd come here because I know you have a lot more experience than me, and i was wondering what you would do in my position

I am one of those moms who never wanted kids. I am a realist and understood from a pretty young age that kids are a pain in the ass. They are expensive, a lifelong commitment, noisy, unpredictable and invasive. I was raised around nephews and nieces and younger cousins .I saw women my age get pregnant in high school. I grew up in the 80’s where half the “After School Specials” were about the hardships of teen pregnancy and a fair amount of books for teen girls and sitcoms aimed at my demographic featured young women having and raising unplanned kids. I very clearly saw the writing on the wall and wanted NO part of it. I wanted MY LIFE to be mine.

I have 5 kids all adopted from foster care and the truth is I didn’t want ANY Of them. I stated in my dating profile that kids were a deal breaker. I communicated over the course of my second relationship that kids were of negative interest to me and my life. My mind never changed and in all truth I just got tired of saying no and we became foster parents. MY ex loved the “IDEA” of being a parent but not the actual work. I understood this about her which was one reason I pushed back for years before giving in and agreeing. I know, based on my parents and my siblings I would be a decent mom, I just didn’t want to be. My kids are all grown except my 17 year old. They are 25, 25, 26 and 23. I have a pretty good relationship with them. My oldest daughter has a daughter who is 21 months. I am not a wonderful grandma. I work all the time and we live hours apart. I am focused on my life and home and future because for a 17 year marriage I neglected it. My kids all know I was a reluctant parent because we have a very open and honest relationship.

Parenting with my ex was horrible. I worked two jobs, budgeted, did the majority of the homework, bedtime ritual, morning prep and house work and I spent years being exhausted. I partially stayed with her because until the final adoption we could not legally be married so I had NO legal right to the older 4 and was not about to abandon them to my wife.

I am telling you this background so you understand that I have a unique and possibly skewed perspective about parenting as a lesbian. It is totally normal to be unsure about wanting kids. I would say most straight people also go back and forth between the emotional idea of having kids as an extension of love and of a good use of their compatibility and partnership, to have and raise a happy, healthy child (ren) AND knowing the stress of money, unpredictable times, and the fact that, no matter how great parents are , kids are people and they very quickly for their own idea, personalities and who KNOWS what can happen given those facts. The difference is just that lesbians can’t accidentally become parents so we have to either overcome the fear and want the kids more than we don’t OR stay childless. Many great parents did not get there with careful planning, just one day they are thrust into the role and step up to the task.

My advice is to keep talking to your partner about your thoughts." I think I might want kids” is not the same and “WE MUST have kids or I won’t be happy”. Communicate your confusion and insecurities about it and also the good things you see about becoming parents. I highly suggest volunteering for Big Brother Big Sisters, or even getting a foster care respite license. When you do respite you are essentially babysitting kids so adoptive and foster parents can get a break. These kids can be everything from charming and sweet to struggling with mental illness and trauma (which is why it requires training).. You can get a lot of fulfillment, experience and learning moments plus you are giving exhausted caretakers a break. Offer to babysit a friend's kids. See if the local Girl Scout needs volunteers, A lot of nature centers run kids summer programs or weekend programs like birthday parties and always need volunteers. Consider taking some childhood or first time parent classes. All of this is to give you a well rounded perspective of how kids can be, which is sometimes awful but very often wonderful and sweet and even when they are misbehaving you can feel joy in watching these tiny people learn and grow.

You are correct about the idea of biological children vs adoption. They are not the same. I know a lot of people want to believe that they are exactly the same connection and bond but in my experience that is a lie people often tell themselves. The fact is, parenting a child that is not biological does take a little more effort to bond and connect. Eventually it strengthens and can be wonderful but it is unique. Not better or worse, just different. My kids were all older, 4, 7, 8, 10, and 16 when they came into my life so they were already established in personality and habits and world view so it took time to align with each other. We are now all more like friends than a parent/child relationship but perhaps that just happens with age and maturity. Adoption is by far cheaper with more available resources (through foster care) than using a sperm bank or asking a friend to donate so one of you can be pregnant but each couple needs to weigh what works for them.

I would suggest putting off major discussions until you can see each other but if not, do it over zoom or facetime so you can see each other’s expressions and have a nuanced conversation. I would not make any major purchases like a house until you are settled a bit and you both are at least on the same page with kids. That page might be neither of you are sure yet or that you both think it should wait until life is less up in the air to decide together. If you land solidly in the “i must have kids” camp and she says “NO”, you might have your answer. Then you must decide between letting go of the need for kids or moving on from the relationship. The worst thing you can do is push someone who is expressing that they don’t want kids into having kids. This is a bad deal.

I know this is a lot. Kids are a big deal to both the relationship and to the kids who are brought into that relationship, no matter now that happens. I wish you the best and I hope, together, you can talk it out and get some clarity.

#lesbians #parenting #adoption #kids #lesbian parents #marriage

95 notes · View notes

polarisbibliotheque · 2 months

Text

About the time a guy was being creepy to me on a professional setting and my gut feeling told me "GET OUT NOW"

Ok, so hi! This post has to do with a reblog recently here in my blog, on one of my fics regarding Dante and Vergil with an s/o suffering from being hit on without their consent. I write Devil May Cry fanfiction and that was my way of coping with a CREEP being, well, a creep.

Who would've known, fanfic is therapeutical

My answer got so big, I decided to make a separate post about it - and I'm talking like this because, if this gets out the DMC sphere and other people read it, they'll understand the fandom talk a little bit. This is not just for the fandom, but everyone out there.

Including men. All of us are prone to being targets of creeps - even if I'll be telling about my experience as a woman, take this advice to your heart NO MATTER your gender.

When this episode happened in my life, I was 27 y/o, I think...? I got pushed into such a stupid corner by this guy who kept messaging me with "work related" stuff... And my family wasn't validating my "this is weird" feeling.

So... What happened?

(TW: I mention the words "rape" and "sexual abuse" but none of that has happened. It was a red flag and I want to talk about avoiding it like the plague and how people might dismiss your gut feeling when something is wrong. I write with brutal honesty, curse words and don't censor anything, because I'm here to tell people how it is not curating content to go viral on clean ~family friendly~ social media. This is honest advice I'd give someone else, so it's just a heads up. I'm a little jaded with all the censoring of "forbidden words" when you have to discuss serious subjects like this nowadays hahahaha)

First context, I'm a Lawyer. Hi. I know it doesn't sound like it Second context, I'm from Latin America. Hi again!

Well, in my country, we have to vote every couple of years for the National Lawyer Association President and Vice-President (for my USA people, it's like the BAR association for Lawyers - meaning only lawyers who have passed the BAR and are, indeed, full-fledged to the association and with a lawyer permit can vote). I hate it, but it is what it is, I have to vote every time for one of those posh speaking clowns or else.

This much older guy stopped me at the entrance to the voting building to do some political propaganda of one of the candidates. Expected. They weren't the ones I was gonna vote 'cause their agenda didn't fit what I wanted for the Association - nevertheless, I smiled and was polite. Guy wouldn't shut up, but that's a lawyer thing. Kept being polite, dismissed him kindly and went inside to vote.

As I came back, guy is there and stops me. I had called my mom to give me a ride home - by that time, I had been broke and without a job for 2 years up until that point, trying to get back into the ~lawyer business~ and recover from a very bad burnout, so paying a ride back home was a big no. I had my phone on my hand and kept chatting because, you know, networking. You never know.

Now, mind you. I'm about to celebrate my 30th birthday this year, but people seriously think I'm underage wherever I go. I have to literally show them my credentials and ID so they can believe a single word I say. This guy, must've been around his 50s or something - and I look like a teen or, at best, 20 years old. I graduated when I was 22, so that's the most he could've imagined I was.

As we're talking, dude is flexing his career so hard I start to do the same. He says he has known the President and influential people in politics (back then, far-right government, so red flag already waving in the horizon), he has an office both here and in New York and Miami, he has worked with the FBI (we're in Latin America, the USA stuff is a flex for far-right people). I say I have worked as the Labor Lawyer in a huge worldwide known multinational company, coordinated with people in the USA and UK, had around 100 cases to manage monthly and keep the company in order when the directors were not around.

Guy is impressed and asks for my contact on LinkedIn. I'm down for it, I'm looking for a job and he could be one hell of a way to get back on business. Dude mentions he's in digital law and, heck, I wanted so bad to get into digital law! It was like he was put in my way by the angels to help me get back on my feet!

He asks for my resumé and my cellphone number, so he can have me in his office to have a cup of coffee. I am soaring by now. "That's it!!" I think "That's my ticket back to being a lawyer, to having my own money, to breaking the cycle of unemployment and having my career back!" - so I do it! I give him my number!

hello, workaholic aunt here speaking, my career was everything to me, I'd do everything for it

After I got back home, told my mom everything, and everyone was so happy. That's when he started sending me messages - asking for my address so he could send me some lawyer magazines and such... Even though he had asked when we were talking before and I changed the subject. I didn't give him of course, but instead sent him my resumé.

So, next day he asks me about that coffee and I said we can make it happen... Even if he got my name wrong. I have a pretty exotic name in whatever country I go, so it's a common mistake, known to happen, no one can pronounce my name right if I don't teach them how to, so yeah. I'm willing to gloss over that.

I'm assuming he read my resumé, saw how smart, capable and hardworking I am, and wants to talk business. Wants to offer me a job. I'm super ready. I'm taking my business clothes out of the closet, I'm cleaning my high heel black boots, I'm checking my references and vocabulary so I don't screw up. Guy sends a message saying he wants to take me out for lunch.

Red flag. My instincts flare up and I'm just staring at the screen. I start reviewing everything. I mean... Business lunches are ok, right? I had lunches with my manager and director plenty of times back in the day and it never got weird. So... Why was I feeling weird now...?

Guy says we can go out for lunch and then back at his office so he can show me around. I was like "hmmm... ok? shouldn't be weird. this is normal." but nevertheless I went to check with my mom and my sister.

Both said it was fine. I was feeling weird because it's a guy and me and I shouldn't be feeling uneasy - it's my social anxiety/workplace trauma talking. It's the opportunity of a lifetime. I shouldn't screw up.

I keep talking to him. I ask where we should meet up for this lunch and he tells me to give him my address, so he could pick me up and we can go to "a nice place to have lunch" (his words, not mine).

Red flags are dancing around my head. I keep thinking "have I lead him on something????" and going mad. What was I wearing? Only work clothes, that's all - suit pants, black high heel boots, dark silk shirt and only a nude lipstick so my lips wouldn't get chapped. My shirt didn't even show cleavage.

It's ridiculous how I feel this is a thing I should add 'cause heaven forbid the cleavage

What about what I've said? Did I accidentally flirt?? 'Cause that's been known to happen - I'm a clueless ace who can't for the life of me notice when people are flirting or not or notice when people think I'm flirting with them. And usually when they are not flirting or being attractive, that's when the magic happens for me! So... What gives?! Did I do something wrong, that sent the wrong message?

I mean, I was nice, yes. But you're supposed to be nice to people. I'm not gonna be rude just because most guys can't keep it in their pants.

I go over the messages. I didn't do anything strictly not business like. I'm very good at that. I have only worked responding to men as bosses in my life, had four male bosses before him, all different ages, marital status, star signs, backgrounds, lives. The best colleagues and co-workers I used to spend hours having coffee and laughing with were men. So I know how to keep professional and not mixing things up. It wasn't a slip up from my side.

Well, then there's always the chance I was going crazy and overreacting, soooo... I go over to my mom and sister. They think it's weird, yes, but they do think that's exactly what's going on: I'm overreacting and my social anxiety/workplace trauma is blocking me from pursuing this opportunity that can help my career - and make me have a salary again so I can help at home.

Ok. I though up and go back to talking to him. I tell him fine but I'll go to the place myself, so he can tell me where he's thinking about having lunch. Guy tells me nothing and keeps insisting I give him my address and he will give me a ride so we can "get to know each other better".

My GODS I've never felt so uncomfortable. Not even when I had to stay ONLY with my boss working until 1 am, only the two of us in the company building, every light out except the one in the room we were in, him being around 15 years older than me and very confident, with the two of us having one of the best work chemistry I had in my LIFE.

He could've done ANYTHING to me, but we only talked strictly work. We were tired, he waited for my mom to pick me up at 1 am outside so nothing bad would happen to me, both of us under an umbrella, he apologized to my mom for having me stay at work so late and then went back home to his wife and kid. I NEVER, at ANY moment felt unsafe around him. He was my mentor, he was my boss, he was a good colleague and even somewhat of a friend.

So why on EARTH was I feeling SO UNCOMFORTABLE with this guy I had only met ONCE face to face in my life?

I start to voice my concerns. My mom and my sister think I'm only saying that because I don't want to go back to work. That I want to throw my career away because I can't control my anxiety and my feelings. We fight a couple of times and a couple of days. My mom tells my aunt about it. My aunt goes full FBI and does a background check on this dude.

That's when she told my mom some things weren't adding up. His LinkedIn profile was a little too weird and he had no ties whatsoever with the elected President of the Lawyer Association - was he really someone in their team for propaganda? Nevertheless, he did have an office and did work with digital law, both here and in the USA. I shouldn't let this opportunity slip.

I got so mad. SO MAD. To the point my sister decided to ask her boyfriend for his opinion on all of it and he was like "hey... your sister is kinda right. guy wouldn't offer to take ME to a nice restaurant to have lunch and go to his office later for a coffee, would he...? I mean, this never happened to me" - and sis' boyfriend is on the business meetings and negotiations/selling part of the spectrum. He knows what he's talking about.

So now I finally have a man validating my concerns.

I take the decision to shut the whole thing down. I go "very well, I will NOT meet him, I will NOT maintain contact with him, he's treating me like a whore he picked up on the street". At this point, I am FUCKING FUMING. But still, my sister and mom gave him the benefit of the doubt and made me feel like I was doing something wrong.

So I decided to marinate him for a while.

I should note that all his messages were sent close or around midnight, not at working hours. And I only answered at working hours. Since I was taking a while to respond, my dude just goes like, and I kid you not, "ooooh she's not answering, she's ignoring me, I don't like that *sad emoji*" LIKE A FUCKING 13 YEAR OLD (no offense, 13 y/o peoples, but this dude is a FULL GROWN ASS MAN).

I am offended, I am flabbergasted and I wish I could suplex him to oblivion.

I show my mom the message. She just stares at me in awe. She FINALLY is like "yeah, ok, this isn't very professional". ALL THIS TIME, I never really told her what I was thinking and what was really worrying me. And then I break her the news that, what I'm really afraid of, is that this guy is going to rape me in his car. Or he's going to drive me somewhere I can't fight or scream and then he'll rape me. Whatever the scenario, it ended up with me being raped and I was scared. SO. FUCKING. SCARED.

My mom goes into Sphinx mode - that's when she doesn't answer and doesn't even look at me and just ~thinks~. It's a brutal reality she doesn't like and I don't like it either, I mean, it's my safety we're talking about here.

I shut down the guy completely. I tell him there's a family emergency and I couldn't continue to give him any attention nor I could go out for that lunch and I couldn't talk anymore. He SUDDENLY goes cold and "I am sorry if any of my messages seemed inconvenient. Do answer when you have the time so we can make an appointment." And that's it. No more messages. He's done in my book.

My mom tells my aunt. Aunt goes Sherlock Holmes mode this time and, lo and behold, they find an website of this guy's office. My mom is shocked at how 90's internet it looks for a guy who works with digital law. She then recognizes the address of the office but the doesn't remember of any office building in that street - so she Googles it.

His "office" is actually a residential building - meaning, it was his home address. She shows it to me and I want to cry - out of rage, shame, fear, sadness. I go like "yeah, this is the place he wanted me to go, to his home. What was he going to do to me there, huh?" - and I think the answer is pretty obvious.

Later, speaking to my sister, she's like "I dunno why you're so mad" and I'm like "WELL MISS I just got PICKED UP LIKE A WHORE outside of an OFFICIAL EVENT for the NATIONAL LAWYER ASSOCIATION while I was DRESSED UP PROFESSIONALLY and looking for PROFESSIONAL opportunities and I COULD HAVE BEEN RAPED. I think I have all the right in the FUCKING WORLD to be FUMING."

That's when we diverged some more. She just said like "hey that's how the world works: women are treated like whores - you weren't the first one to have this happen to you and you won't be the last. What are you gonna do about it? Get over it."

Oh. Boy. I looked at my sister's eyes. I saw her just staring at me weirdly. A storm was approaching. The skies darkened. Bury the Light started playing in the background. Vergil's doppelgänger was standing behind me like an angel of death. (All DMC references for my non-DMC peoples)

"Well. I wanna have power. So much fucking power in this world that no one ever even thinks about treating me like that again. So much power they will fear standing in front of me and saying those words - they will look into my eyes and shut up. So much power I will never be afraid to walk on my own again and I will never have to doubt my feelings when I'm feeling unsafe because some lowlife pitiful little shit decided I should be a whore to satisfy him. I want to have power so I will never be this helpless again."

Cue in my sister just sitting there with butter in the slice of bread in her hand, staring at me like "wtf man... do you need a hug...?" and me doing a dramatic exit back to my room to, well... Write the fanfic in question.

(For my DMC creatures: I never even thought of Vergil when I said all of this, I just noted that thought later in my diary and reading it a couple of days later I was like "omg I have become my worst enemy, fuck you Verge" because I kid you not, I used to hate this man with all the fibers of my being - hence where my longfic Nemesis came from. I realized I lived long enough to become my worst enemy - and maybe I hated him because Vergil made me look at the part of myself I didn't like and didn't want to admit existed *I'm laughing while writing this, I do find it weirdly amusing*)

DMC things aside, this WHOLE episode made me feel so frustrated. I never had anyone to validate me, only people doubting me or asking me if I lead him on, or what was I wearing, or if I smiled too much, if I was being too nice, if I said something inappropriate, and so on. I had to get it all off my chest and I thought maybe, juuuust maybe, Dante and Vergil would've been more supportive regarding that.

Because, you know, they know trauma and they are protective as fuck. They can have all the red flags and mental issues in this world, but I don't think they would EVER dismiss their partner - especially a woman - feeling unsafe and fearing being abused or raped. In order to trust, you have to give the person and opportunity and room to open up to you without judgements - and I do think they aren't very judgy people.

I mean, they are demons, for fuck's sake. They can't judge anything especially Vergil

Also, I don't blame my mom nor my sister (even if I got really mad at her). In the end, both of them wanted what was best for me, they thought it was an opportunity and wanted me to get my career back. Truth is, no woman knows how to act when this happens. And they didn't know how to act as well. They didn't want to think of the worst: just like I was doubting myself and my own feelings, they were doubting theirs as well. We ALL had to be validated by a man to admit something was wrong and we weren't hysterical.

Ok, ok, storytime over. But I felt like sharing this because people, you are ALWAYS valid in your concerns - and there's no clothing, no smile, no attitude, no NOTHING that JUSTIFIES abuse. If you're abused or feeling like someone wants to take advantage of you, especially sexually, YOUR FEELINGS AND FEARS ARE VALID. Don't shrug it off or water it down just because people are saying you're overreacting - if I had listened to everyone around me instead of my gut feeling that something was REALLY wrong, only the gods know what would've happened. But I'll tell ya, it probably wouldn't have been good for me.

At best, I'd be mad this guy would want to pick me up like a whore and I'd have to turn him down and take a ride home. At worst, he would've raped me - in his car, at the "restaurant", at his "office". We don't know, but I didn't want to "give luck to bad luck" as we say where I live.

I didn't have support, so I wrote a story to feel supported by the fictional characters I look up to - I wished SO bad I was dating someone, especially a man, who'd tell me he'd go through hell and back to keep me safe and wouldn't allow anyone to hurt me and validate my feelings. Someone who would make me feel safe and I wouldn't have to only rely on myself.

cue in V saying he too wanted to be loved and protected, I tell you, all this time I thought I hated Vergil when I had only found my nemesis in a mirror

So, don't ever doubt yourselves. Don't ever doubt your gut feelings. We might want validation and someone to keep us safe, but sometimes we don't have that and have to rely on our survival mode. It sucks, but there's a reason why that thing is called "survival": it keeps you alive. It keeps you going.

And no one, NO ONE has the right to say you're overreacting, you're being hysterical, you're reading too much into it, you're just trying to find the easy way out, you just don't want an opportunity because you're lazy, you're crazy and deranged, etc, etc.

If your gut is flapping red flags all around, then overreact. Be hysterical. Read too much into it, find the easy way out, be lazy, be crazy and deranged. Be the villain. Be the bad person. You're not perfect. You're not a princess. Be comfortable with people telling you you're bad - but never NEVER let go of your gut feeling when your safety is on the line.

That fucking thing WILL save your life. Being too nice, though, might not. Listen to yourself, be TRUE to yourself, and, again, don't be afraid to be bad.

Someday you might just find your half-demon man who will support you, protect you and treat you as an equal powerhouse, but until that day, keep on conquering your self-esteem and unwavering will.

I'm just saying all of this now because:

1 - I was too scared to talk about this for a looong time afraid the guy in question would find this, know it's me and my safety would be on the line again

2 - Just now I'm getting comfortable with the concept of being "seen as the villain" and being "seen as bad". My whole life I have been dancing around this because people always said I had a "difficult" personality. I watched Cruella recently and it hit home so hard. We do have things to learn from villainous characters and maybe this is just who I am. People are going to see me as bad so, who cares. Even if I'm not, it would do me good getting used to that idea - I can be more assertive to my boundaries and not allow any of this to happen again. So, there you go. It's an exercise everyone should do. Are you comfortable defending your ideas, your boundaries and your integrity even if people are mad you're not being a pushover/perfectly polite?

It's something I think all of us should think about ;)

Also

thanks for coming to my TED Talk :')

#polaris speaks #story time #red flags #workplace #work life #job hunting #I don't even know how to tag this #so if you guys have any ideas you're welcome to add #I just think it's a bit of experience we all have to share #so other people will be aware and know how to avoid this kind of shit #because like I told you not even all the women in my family knew how to act #and we all have this thing of not being rude or cutting off relationships or networking contacts and such #of being perfect all the time #hence why I'm on this 'be bad be villainous be fabulous' phase #'cause I do think some of us could benefit from that #don't be a bitch by all means #but know how to set and protect your boundaries #alsoooo it's a huge post #I know #but I felt it might be good #so thanks for reading if you read all of it HAHAHAHA #I HOPE it has helped you xD #still scared of that guy finding me tho not gonna lie #but it is what it is

8 notes · View notes

spiderbaby123 · 9 months

Text

Cal Stone x reader (fluffy fluff stuff)

Listen, it starts out with young Cal but all the actual romancey style stuff is when hes older. Dont get weird on me about kid Cal having a crush on you. I remember kids having crushes on me when I was a teen and it was just cute in an awe look at you with a big ole crush kinda way. Like the way id look at my brother having a crush on someone when he was young. Ok. Ok.

I avoided and gender terms so use what you want! 😘

You were Cal and Olive's best friend growing up, often spending the night and always trying to come over every chance possible. You wouldnt let on to Olive for obvious reasons but you had the biggest crush on her brother. When the plane disappeared you were often there for her and Grace, as they were you too. When your mom got sick and passed, Grace took you in completely. She had adopted you. That was 1 year before the plane returned. When it did, you were the most excited and terrified you had ever thought you could be. Mostly you were excited to see Cal. The shock that took over your body when you actually seen him was an understatement. He was still a child. Seeing him just the way he was the day they had left for their trip was freaky.

~months later~

By this point you had gotten used to everything, almost better than everyone else for that matter. You treated Cal more like a brother now. It was cute when he was around you though. He almost always had a small tint of pink on his cheeks. To think 5 year's ago you had a massive crush on him was weird, even weirder now because you thought he had a crush on you. Oh the irony, you thought.

~Mick and Zeke's wedding~

You had been sitting in the corner watching everyone dance. Cal had been staring at you for a while now smiling but not quite coming over. Finally after you had had enough of being stared at you walked over. "Cal?" He looked up and a blush appeared on his little face. "H-hey, y/n." "Wanna dance little bud?" You smiled holding your hand out for the boy. "Okay!" He perked up quickly grabbing your hand and jumping out of his seat.

~at Grace's funeral~

You had been sat with Olive and everyone at the very front. That's where you were expected to be. You had been adopted by her. She wasnt your mother but you were her daughter, even before she had adopted you she had always said that. You kept looking to Cal in his older body in the back away from everyone. "This isnt right." You mumbled before getting up and heading to him. Olive started to look as though she was going to protest it but didn't. "Hey." You said, once next to him. "Shouldnt you be up there." He said through slight sniffles. "I'd rather stand with you." Cal looked at you for a second before breaking down and you pulled him into a tight hug. This wasnt right. Grace was his mother. He shouldve been up front with Olive and Ben.

~2 months after~

You had taken Cal with you to get groceries for the house. "Ok, so I got everything on the list. Do you want a snack or something before we go?" You asked looking at him. Cal started to reply but was interrupted by an old woman. "Oh look at that. Reminds me of us, honey." She said to her husband. "Such a lovely couple. I remember our first shopping trip together." Both of your faces turned red with awkward looks planted on your faces. "I- we're not! I mean- uh... Th-thank you...." You stumbled over your words trying not to be mean or rude but also entirely embarrassed. You hadnt thought about how it looked to others with Cal being the same age as you now. Come to think of it you hadnt much thought about how he was the same age as you now, at all.

~later that day~

The car ride home was super awkward. For you at least. Cal didnt say much on it but he had just played along and wrapped an arm around You smiling thanking the old woman like it was nothing. ((I just imagine him being able to just switch into this act like nothing)) now at home, You had been stocking the fridge and pantry alone. "Hey. How'd the shopping trip go?" You jumped, hitting your head on the roof of the fridge, upon hearing Zeke walk in. "Woah. Didnt mean to startle you." He laughed a little. "I-it's ok! I mean- uh. Yeah its ok." You said earning a look from the man. "Hmm. Ok. Whats got you so flustered?" "Flustered? I'm not flustered. Are you flustered? Cause I'm not." Zeke gave a knowing look to you. "Right." Just then Cal walked into the kitchen. "Oh hey, honey!" He emphasized the pet name, making your face go red. "Cal!" You shouted trying to hide your face. "Stop, that was so awkward!" "Ok, now I'm really curious how the shopping trip went." Said Zeke. Cal laughed and told Zeke about the old couple.

~1 months later~

At this point everyone was in on the joke. Calling you and Cal a couple. After the first 2 weeks you had accepted it and went along, although now you werent able to look at Cal as a kid anymore. Which he didnt really act like one either.

~6 months after Grace~

Olive had come to terms and stopped blaming Cal by this point, which was great. Ben, however was slipping farther and farther. Today had been an especially bad day. Cal was upset and it was just you and him at the house, besides Ben who was upstairs spiraling, as usual. "Do you wanna go out or do something? Maybe get your mind off it?" You asked him. He sniffled and looked up to you. "Sure. Like where or what?" "Uh.. Well. Maybe... Um I think the fair is in town." "Yes!" He jumped up. "I'll go get ready!" You laughed and decided to do the same. Now you were in your room getting ready and struggling with what to wear. Why were you so focused on your outfit? You couldn't figure it out but once deciding on the cutest one you went to Cal's door. You were about to knock when Cal opened the door running right into you. "Y/n! I'm so sorry!" He shouted as he caught you, pulling you close to his chest. Up close like this you could smell his cologne. Odd. Why would he where cologne just to go to the fair. "It's ok, Cal." You smiled up at him. "You ready?" You asked and he nodded before reluctantly releasing his grip on you.

~ at the fair ~

You had been there for a few hours now, riding all the rides over and over again. "I'm so glad you talked me into the wrist bands!" You giggled as you got off the dizzy disc for the 3rd time followed by a very wobbly Cal. "I think I'm going to be sick.." He said half jokingly. You then saw one of your favorite rides had no line at the moment and quickly grabbed his hand, dragging him along to it. "This one next!" You shouted staring up at it. You were so excited you hadnt realized you still had Cal's hand, nor had you realized the prominent blush on his face. The ride director let you on and you finally let go to get on. Then you went up and started spinning the cage. Cal and you screaming like little girls because lets be real, fair rides are scary. Once off you started laughing uncontrollably. "What's so funny?" Cal asked smiling wide. "You- you should have-" you were struggling through laughs. " you shouldve heard your screams!" You finally got out. Cal's face dropped into a mopy face playfully but he couldnt hide the smile still playing at his lips. "Yeah, well... It was scary." He fake grumbled. "Awe, come on, honey." You emphasized the pet name the way he had before. "It wasnt that bad." You smiled at his blush laughing a little. "Not as fun on the other side, huh, honey?" "Actually." Cal quickly grabbed your hand pulling you up to him into a close embrace. "I don't mind." He smirked at your squeal and stared at you. Your faces only inches apart, you started blushing like mad. "C-Cal.." You whispered, suddenly forgetting the world around you and not remembering to call him Gabriel. "Y/n.." He whispered back as he stared into your eyes and inched closer. Right when he was an inch away someone ran into you, knocking you out of Cal's arms. "S-sorry." They mumbled as you stood up with Cal's help. You checked your phone to make sure it didnt break when you landed. Seeing the time you mumble "shit." "What?" He asked you. "It's getting late, we should probably head back.." "Oh.. Ok.. Um.. Maybe one more ride?" He asked nervously. "Yeah. One more shouldnt hurt." You smiled. His face lit up as he smiled. "Ferris wheel?" He said. "Oh, come on. You know I'm terrified of that thing!" "That?! You're terrified of that?! But not the Zipper? What the hell y/n?" He exaggerated, laughing. You nodded, "The zipper is scary on purpose and has a whole ass cage around it. The ferris wheel is scary on accident and does not have a cage around it." You said matter of factly. "Oh come on..." He thought for a second. "I'll protect you." He grabbed your hand gently, stirring all those feeling up again, making you blush. "O-ok.." Cal held your hand the entire time and made you laugh and smile all the while. "This isnt so bad. Kinda pretty actually." You stated once stopped at the top. Unbeknownst to you Cal was absolutely staring right at you, not daring to look out at the scenery or anything. "Beautiful." He whispered. You smiled. "Yeah, it is beautiful." Then the ride started going down one by one and your face twisted into one of terror. Quickly Cal noticed and wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close to his chest gently. It was like immediate comfort. Once off you both started walking to the car. Cal smoothly grabbed your hand in a way that didnt even make you blink. He opened your door and helped you up into your jeep. "Thanks, but you didnt have to help me." "I know." He smiled sweetly at you.

On the way home you pulled over about 5 minutes from the house. "What's wrong? Why'd you pull over?" Cal asked, worriedly. You sighed and yawned. "You know I just don't feel like driving." You smiled at him. His eyes widened and he smiled big. "Wait. Are you serious?" You just nodded smiling and then unbuckled getting out of the car and switching sides with him. To say the rest of the ride home was long and bumpy would be an understatement. But it made Cal really happy, even if he did almost drive into the ditch twice.

~That night~

Everyone had gone to sleep. Well almost everyone. You could still hear Cal moving around his room right now. Bored out of your mind you went and made 2 hot chocolates and popcorn then went up to Cal's room. You knocked quietly as to not wake anyone else up. Cal opened the door and looked at you with both shock and curiosity. "What's this?" He asked with one eyebrow raised. "Hot chocolate and a movie?" You smiled at him. "Hmm. Ok, honey." He moved to the side while also helping you with the snacks. You blushed at the nickname, thinking of earlier when he almost kissed you. You sat on his bed getting comfy. "Cal, why do you have it so cold in here?" "What do you mean? Its the same in here as every other room." "Yeah, well, you also have a fan on and the ceiling fan. Like what the hell?" He chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. "I get hot when i sleep." He sat down next to you, grabbing the remote. "What do you want to watch?" He asked grabbing a piece of popcorn and poping it in his mouth.

~end of movie~

Cal looked over at you and saw you were asleep on his shoulder. He smiled blushing lightly. "You're so beautiful." He whispered, moving a strand of hair from your face. "Mmm.." You stirred from sleep and looked up at him. Yawning you asked "Did you say something?" "Yeah..." He whispered again. "Why are we whispering?" You whispered back, waking a little more from your cat nap. "Cal?" You asked, realizing his hand was on your face and his big beautiful eyes were staring into yours. "Can I kiss you?" He asked in hush tone as if his voice would scare you. All you could do was nod a yes once, staring back into his eyes. He leaned in slowly and kissed you with the most care and passion you could ever imagine, so much so that it took your breath away even though it was relatively a short kiss. When he pulled away he rested his forehead on yours, his eyes still closed. "Can I do that again?"

#fanfic #fanfiction #cal stone x reader #Manifest #oneshot #Manifest fanfic #Cal stone #manifest netflix #ty doran #fluff #Older Cal stone #X reader

21 notes · View notes

mania-sama · 2 months

Note

Can I ask your top 10 fav fics ever (from any fandom, if you don't mind)?

Also, just curious, is there a story behind your name "mania-sama "?

Hi!! Thank you so much for sending me an ask!! I will answer the story behind my name first, and then I'll get into the fics!

mania.sama comes from a couple years back when I was making my first online persona account. I had my regular Instagram account with my real name, but I didn't feel comfortable with people I knew in real life knowing the content I engage with and want to post (fandom-related and gaming clips). At the time, a couple of my beloved friends had these Instagram accounts all starting with a mental disorder and ending with a Japanese honorific. Weird combo, I know, I don't know how the trend started, I don't ask questions around here. Anyway, we brainstormed and decided on the mania, as in the manic disorder, and sama, a Japanese honorific of high respect. I would change it since I'm well aware it's kinda cringe since I have absolutely no Japanese heritage whatsoever, but it's too iconic to change now. All of my online persona accounts have this name, and people have called me "Mania" for far too long on Ao3. I'd hate to switch it up on people. And besides, I think it's grown on me after all this time.

Now for the fic!! So, I'm going to be so, so for real right now. I only have three fics I have bookmarked publically on Ao3, and they are my only favorite fics. Three. This comes from the fact that I read mainly one-shots that I forget as soon as I read them. I don't really have the attention span nor want to read long-form works most of the time. So, I did a lot of digging to come up with the rest of the seven, but I want to list favorite three first because they are actually my favorite. They aren't ranked in any particular order, they are just above the rest of the seven (which are also in no particular order).

These following three fics are also the only fanfics to ever make me cry. I've come close to a few of them, but these, of all my years reading and writing fanfic, are the only three to manage to bring tears down my face thus far:

Come Morning Light by SharkbaitSekki -> Haikyuu | 354,105 words | 15 chapters -> Teen and Up | Completed | Locked Work -> Summary: All in life will come and go. People and places will ebb and flow. Fate's dealt cards can't be foreseen. Safety is obsolete. When a nuclear blast on the island of Japan destroys all of the families and dreams within its radius, all that is left in the aftermath is to rebuild something -anything- out of the debris. Back to back, heart to heart, it's a long way up for the kids who have seen their lives go down in flames. But once at the top, for those who have made it, there is nothing left to do but admire the view. In which all of the aspects of their future are uncertain, except for the fact that unity will always lead them home. -> Thoughts: This was the only fic I had as my favorite fic for a long time, and the only one of the three to have an objectively sad ending, though it's listed as ambiguous. There isn't a dead dove tag on here, but there should be because this fic is gruesome, horrific, and downright traumatizing. And you know what? It's amazing, every single 350k words of it. The way some of these characters died, the trauma they experienced, and the ways they didn't or did move forward. It's all so impactful, and each character has a special focus. Not a single one goes without a spotlight. It also says it has ships, but none of them are actually canon, just vaguely implied. I don't really know how to explain this, but everything they go through, all of the places they go to, and the events that occur because of the nuclear bomb itself (such as acid rain and food poisoning) are all so well done, original, and thought-out. A town where all crime is legal at night but you must remain perfectly civil in daytime (as well as not talk about said crimes committed the previous night), radio broadcasts, refugee camps, trafficking, and more. There are just so many stand-out concepts and scenes that will stick with me forever.

one hundred miles by No_one_you_know -> Dream SMP | 126,898 words | 3 work series -> Teen and Up | Completed* -> that's, like, a hundred miles | 60,444 words | 12 chapters | Completed -> he's my brother, i just raise him | 7,034 words | 1 chapter | Completed -> as long as i'm here | 59,420 words | 14 chapters | Completed -> Summary (using the first fic): Dream would kill him. Dream was going to kill him- he was going to- no, he wouldn’t. Dream was his friend- friends don’t hit each other- Dream was supposed to take care of him- Dream /was/ taking care of him. It hurt to breathe. It hurt to think. He couldn’t clear his thoughts as he stumbled to the family computer, pulling up a tab on google and frantically typing the name into the search bar. The words Technoblade Watson stared back at him, the little black bar at the end of the letters blinking slowly, mocking him. Why, of all people, did it have to be Technoblade? in short: the one where dream sucks as a parental figure, tommy runs away, and visits his least favorite family member technoblade -> Thoughts: I KNOW. I know what you're thinking. Dream SMP? Really? Listen. It was a different time, lads, and I, for one, refuse to be ashamed of my history with Dream SMP. I read and wrote fics and enjoyed it. What gives? Anyway. I chose the entire series instead of one fic because all of these fics are so good, and I feel that if you read the first one, you should read the others. This is the ultimate series of "Healing is not linear." It's a work on the failures of society, of the justice system, how life can be repeatedly cruel over and over again. All of the doubling back, the mental fight, the complex relationships, morally gray actions, and the brilliant display of the way trauma can effect children, and the way that adults can get away with so much abuse. I think about how he walked a hundred miles only to wind back in the same place again. Obviously, it ends positively (relatively positively), but it takes just as long to get there. Secretely, though, adoption fics are a guilty pleasure of mine and you can't take that away from me. EXTREMELY well written. * the series says it's not completed, but it sure feels like it is. Very conclusive ending, I don't think the author intends on ever updating again, so I think the "Not Completed" status is simply a mistake on their part.

When I Awake by wildflowertea -> Bungou Stray Dogs | 235,960 words | 23 chapters -> Mature | Completed -> Summary: Dazai Osamu has been in a coma for exactly one year, seven months, and twenty-two days. But Death still refuses to take him. Trapped in the space between worlds, and unable to die, Dazai waits, killing what precious time he may have left and hoping—praying—that his family will pull the plug and move on. He doesn't expect someone to move into his old apartment instead. Nakahara Chuuya, two-time Grammy awards winner, and freshly unemployed pessimist, has never believed in fate—much less the supernatural. But the lively—if a bit annoying—ghost of his apartment's previous tenant, might just change everything. -> Thoughts: What isn't there to say about this? I have written many comments under this fic, so if you want to hear my full thoughts, they are all there in the last chapter. I also added another comment months later, and will probably add another one in the future. This fic single-handedly changed the romance genre for me, set the bar too high, and I can't tell whether I should love or hate it for that. I'd go as far as to say this fic isn't really about romance, either; it's been every kind of relationship there is under the sun. It's about death, it's about hope, it's about tragedy, addiction, failures, and family. It's everything. I love, love the idea of the soul separating itself from the body being used as a symbol of a person at the ultimate crossroads: Should I live, or should I die? And death giving that person a second chance to make their final decision. I love this fic. Everyone and their mom needs to read it because it's truly life changing. I cried three times reading this. THREE. Not a single word is wasted here.

Here are the rest of the seven. These are all fics I enjoyed immensely and love dearly:

Running on Air by eleventy7 -> Harry Potter | 74,880 words | 17 chapters ->Teen and Up | Completed -> Summary: Draco Malfoy has been missing for three years. Harry is assigned the cold case and finds himself slowly falling in love with the memories he collects. -> Thoughts: Genuinely, this fic ALMOST made joined the other three in my favorites. The only reason it didn't is because it didn't leave the same impact that the others did. But the writing, the plot, the romance, the characterizations, are all amazing, and the fact that it could've been a fourth edition to my favorites without the additional impact should be a testament to how good everything else is. I love a good investigation fic where I have no idea what's going on, but eager to learn more. I love the way they handled Ginny and Harry's relationship, how they were both never really good for each other as lovers, but humanizing them both. Ginny isn't a villain in the way of the gay relationship (I hate that trope, as we all do). Harry was just as bad in their relationship. And there are just so many good quotes, and every time I'm in the car for too long, staring at the road, I think to myself, "What if I just kept driving? What if I didn't go where I needed to go, but instead left everything behind and kept going?" And I really think this fic is in part to blame for that. Phenomenal work.

Oyasumi by monozayn -> Identity V | 6,210 words | 1 chapter -> Mature | Completed -> Summary: Oyasumi, Oyasumi Close your eyes and you'll leave this dream. . . . Eli Clark was something. But at the end of the day, Eli Clark wasn’t Naib’s something. A short story about giving too little, too late -> Thoughts: I had a VISCERAL reaction to this fic when I read two and a half years ago. I think I can contribute most of my feelings to the fact that I myself wasn't in the best mental state at the time, so it just hurt more than it should've. I think if I were to read this today, it wouldn't make it onto this list at all, but because of the strong memories I have tied to it, it's keeping its place here. I do remember really liking the characterization of Naib, who, despite being the MC, is entirely blameless and often really comes off as creepy, especially in the beginning. It was really interesting.

Food for the Heart by SharkbaitSekki -> Haikyuu | 28,486 words | 1 chapter -> Teen and Up | Completed | Locked Work ->Summary: Enter Oikawa Tooru, the middle-class citizen who has everything he needs, but who does not eat. Enter Iwaizumi Hajime, the homeless young man who barely scrapes enough to eat every single day. One chance encounter is all they need to start turning things around. That is, if they actually do want to bring change to their comfortable, destructive routines. -> Thoughts: If I'm gonna be honest, this fic is kinda like a fever dream to me. It's actually the only fic on this list that I've read twice, that being I really don't reread or rewatch media in general outside of gently skimming or rewatching certain episodes/scenes. I always lose this fic, and it came as a surprise to me to see that it was written by the same person that wrote Come Morning Light because I did NOT know this until I found it again for this fic. Thrice I have found this fic and thrice did it escape my attention. Now about the actual fic and not the mythical legend that it truly is, it's just such an interesting take on the characters. Less so that it's a perfect characterization but a wonderful insight to homelessness and privilege, into complex relationships and eating disorders. It shows that all people are different, they can be selfish when trying not to be, that life sometimes just really rocks our shit. I've struggled in on and off periods with eating myself, so this fic really drives home a nail into face that it might not for other people.

the path to paradise by roadtripwithlucifer -> Bungou Stray Dogs | (currently) 73,250 words | (currently) 11 chapters -> Explicit | Work in Progress -> Summary:

To think that there’s a gifted in this world who can transport others to a ‘Hell.’ Not even a particularly hellish hell. For all Akutagawa had experienced in his life, this is obnoxiously tame. Pleasant, even, if he was to ignore the centaurs hunting him for sport and the fact that he’s kneeling in an open grave.Still - if Akutagawa was given such an ability, he’d have no shortage of significantly more creative punishments for creatures as loathsome as himself.

Akutagawa goes to Hell. Atsushi follows. Neither return the same. -> Thoughts: This is one that is being updated quite regularly, so I have complete faith it will be saw through to the end (as the author has seen their other longfics to the end, too). This has some of the best BSD characterizations I've ever seen, especially Akutagawa. This fic scratches a very specific itch, since it's literally a Dante's Inferno AU, and where else are you gonna find one? One that's actually well-written, no less? It satisfies my constant hunger for tragic, painful things to happen to my favorite characters without ending poorly. They find comfort in each other. I love that. I love this fic. I can't wait to see how it ends. I like the use of their Dante and Virgil as "OC's", too. I don't mind OC's in most fics, but this is one the first to truly make me like their OC's. The author also puts in a whole lot of research, and they use this cool system of endnotes (that I WILL be stealing for any future long-form projects) to express their research. I just love reading their thoughts, and you can clearly see how much passion there is here.

Tommyinnit's unbeatable method of avoiding sudden death by eneliii -> Dream SMP | 79,922 words | 30 chapters -> Teen and Up | Completed -> Summary: “I uh,” Tommy starts, not knowing how to break this to the hero lightly. He hates to be the bearer of bad news. “I think your powers are broken? It’s not a bad thing of course, but like, I swear you tried to mind control me and it like, totally failed. Which is fine, honestly, don’t feel insecure. Everyone’s power stop working sometimes… I think.” Sheesh, this is very awkward. Why is no one else talking? Why is Philza looking at him like he grew three heads? Why is the Blade staring at him so intensely? Why is Willow still frozen? “Did I, did I hit a nerve? Yikes,” Tommy hisses, “Well um,” He steps back, bracing his legs and bending his knees, “This was like super fun, but I’m - I’mma head out.” or, in which Tommy manages to annoy the hell out of Phil, Techno and Wilbur by being both impossible to catch and irritatingly endearing. or or, a crack fic where Tommy is a vigilante and Phil, Techno and Wilbur are the heroes hunting him down. -> Thoughts: I read this fic while it was coming out. I was also in therapy, so imagine my surprise and utter devastation when those chapters started coming out (if you know, you know), because I was, indeed, reading it to make myself feel better and not be sad all the time. I haven't read it in a hot minute, so I'm not sure if the humor would match up to mine today of if it would just be really cringe but I remember always finding it very funny. If it had just been funny and random, it may not have made it on here, but the overarching plot makes it a work of art. I won't spoil, because I do think you should read it, but it's a very good plot twist that I didn't see coming because I hadn't read any of the other works. Everything in that fic has a meaning, and everything is beautiful, and everything hurts. The concept itself is something that I think about often, too, even before I'd read it. Great execution.

Spiderwebs and Secrets by fi_niamh -> Genshin Impact | (currently) 89,103 words | (currently) 14 chapters -> Teen and Up | Work in Progress -> Summary:

Albedo, usually one for blunt and quick actions, was struggling to determine how he should continue. On one hand, marking the death as suicide, as it very much appeared to be, would immediately close the case and give the bereaved family some much needed closure. But could Albedo really do that when so many things didn't line up? Sitting back in his chair Albedo let out a deep breath. He scanned down the page reading the provided boxes. ... He was really going to do this wasn't he? Picking up quill with a steady hand, Albedo marked the fourth and final box with a neat cross mark. Death under suspicious circumstances. Albedo stood, waiting for the ink to dry before gently picking the piece of paper up. Albedo had a new assignment. As head of the Knights of Favonius Investigation Unit, Albedo was not going to let the cause of Diluc Ragnvindr's death go unknown.

When Diluc is reported dead as what appears to be a suicide, Jean struggles to keep it together, Kaeya is left in shambles, and Albedo begins to uncover the web of secrets and lies that Diluc left behind. -> Thoughts: While this fic hasn't been updated in a long time (and admittedly I haven't even caught up to the latest chapters, but that's not because the updates were bad, I just have this mental block that occurs with every multi-chaptered fic I read that I always have a really hard time breaking through). Anyway, this fic has the best characterization I have ever seen of any of the title characters: Kaeya, Diluc, Albedo, and Jean. It hurts so bad and so good, and I love me a well-written investigation fic that keeps me on my toes. So, so good. Did I mention that this hurts? Because it hurts. Hurts like a knife digging into your stomach and being twisted, but you keep pushing it in because the pain is addicting.

Butterflies and Storms by Chalily -> Bungou Stray Dogs | 36,524 words | 14 chapters -> Teen and Up | Completed -> Summary: “That girl in the back! She’s getting away!” Chuuya whipped around to see that his men were right — one of their assailants was an ability user, and she was using her power to escape. Shit. Mori had been painfully clear when he’d assigned this mission. He expected no survivors. Chuuya dropped his ability’s hold on the six or seven people around him, then kicked off of a nearby wall to propel himself at the girl. She was slowly dissipating into light, vanishing upwards into the ceiling, but before the edge of her coat could vanish Chuuya shot by like a dark bullet, reached out, and just barely grabbed it. // Chuuya gets transported to the past! Watch him struggle to figure out what the hell’s happening, then enlist the help of a young Oda to get back. But with the past altered, will he return to the same future he left behind? -> Thoughts: This fic has the perfect blend of good plot, characterization, and humor. Mainly the humor part, because it's always so effortless and it astounds me how easily they were able to write it. It's so natural, and I only wish I was half as funny as they are. This fic also reminds a lot of BEAST, and I am under the personal opinion that BEAST is better than the actual manga. Because it is and I'm correct. The OC they used for this and her ability is actually a book I'd read before, so that was also an added bonus for me. Very, very enjoyable fic and criminally underrated.

Honorable Mention: I KNOW you said only 10, but I have to mention this one fic that I can't for the love of me find, but I think about nearly every time I'm writing. It's a Dream SMP one-shot. If I remember correctly, it was somewhere between 1-3k words, and it was an absolutely masterpiece. I would've booted one of the fics I have listed to fit this one, but alas, I cannot find the fic. It's about the SBI, but all of the brothers get drafted to World War I or II, I can't remember, leaving Phil alone in their shared house. It's so. Good. Whenever I write, I try to emulate the emotion that author put into their fic, the way they were able to convey the lived-in, homely feel of the family as each one of them were ripped away, as they died. They described things in such a simplistic manner, and instead of focusing on faces or words, they talked about how the knob to the cabinet door was broken, the scratch marks on the table, the squeaky tiles on the floor. Amazing. I wish I could find it again.

Again, thank you so much for asking me!!!

#anon ask #fanfictions #favorite fanfics #fanfic #fanfics #haikyuu #bungou stray dogs #roadtripwithlucifer i know youre there #identity v #dream smp #genshin impact #harry potter #running on air #answered asks #ao3 #ao3 fanfics #ao3 fanfic

6 notes · View notes

lestappenforever · 6 months

Text

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Thank you so much for the tag, @lattesqueeze. 🥹

1. How many works do you have on AO3? 31! I used to have a lot more on my old account, but I deleted them all and the account ages ago.

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 182,588 apparently. Jesus fuck, I did not realize it was that high.

3. Which fandoms do you write for? These days? Only F1 RPF, but I used to write for several others, including (but not limited to) Cut & Run, Men's Football RPF, McFly RPF, and Teen Wolf.

4. Which are your top 5 fics by kudos?

1. Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes) - My first Lestappen fic, my baby, my pride and joy

2. 19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To) - My first collab fic with the lovely Ilse (@f1writingbyme) 💕

3. Something Unholy - Lestappen lap dance/dirty talk PWP

4. Speak Now (Or Forever Hold Your Peace) - A personal Lestappen favorite

5. No Time For Regret (No Time For Sleep) - Lestappen PWP set after the 2023 Belgian Grand Prix

5. Do you reply to your comments? Why or why not? Yes, I do! I've made it my mission to reply to every single comment I get on my work, because the fact that there are people out there who not only read my work, but they also take the time to leave a comment, is such a huge deal to me and it makes me so happy. The least I can do is make sure they all get a reply.

6. Which of your fics has the angstiest ending? Ooof, I guess The Last Straw? The ending itself isn't the angstiest part of the fic, but the entire thing is angsty as hell.

7. Which of your fics has the happiest ending? I'd say most of my fics have happy endings, but the happiest? Probably Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes), or the first sequel Like Snow At The Beach (Weird, But Fucking Beautiful).

8. Do you get hate on your fics? Haven't gotten any hate so far on my current AO3 account! I used to get a bit of hate on my fics when I used to write for another fandom (1D, despite not being a 1D fan myself, I only wrote requests from other people) years ago, though, because back then there was apparently a "right or wrong way" to write fics, and there were always people who thought you were doing it wrong.

9. Do you write smut? I do. Admittedly, it's my least favorite thing to write, but I do write it.

10. Do you write crossovers? I've never tried, and I've never had an urge to so far.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Only one! (That I know of.) It was the first 1D fic I wrote and somebody tried to pass it off as their own. Didn't work very well for them.

12. Have you ever had a fic translated? Not yet, but I was actually contacted by a lovely person who wants to translate some of my F1 fics, which is a huge honor. So it's coming!

13. Have you ever co-written a fic? Yes, I have! I co-wrote a fic with an old friend back in my McFly obsession days, and I've co-written two Lestappen fics with my darling @f1writingbyme.

19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To), and Ride The Bull (Giddy Up, Partner).

14. What’s your all-time favourite ship? All-time? I honestly don't know if I can pick because all of my favorite ships have been my all-time favorite ship at the time I was hyperfixating on them. But, if I have to make a choice, I'd say it's a tie between Lestappen and Junes (Harry Judd/Danny Jones from McFly).

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish, but probably never will? Oh, man, I don't have one because my brain will not let me start a WIP without finishing it. Once I start writing something, my OCD and anxiety kicks in, and I just have to finish it. And if I can't finish it, I delete the whole thing and never think of it again. Which is both a blessing and a curse.

16. What are your writing strengths? Angst and endings, I think.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Smut, without a doubt. Despite having written a fuckton of smut in my life, there is nothing that stresses me out more than when I get to the part in a fic where smut belongs. Reading back my own smut makes me cringe.

18. What are your thoughts on writing in other languages in fics? If it's done properly, I say go for it! I personally don't mind it at all and find it adds depth to a lot of work. Just make sure you use something other than Google Translate if you don't speak the language, and preferably check with someone who speaks the language, to make it as believeable to a native reader as possible.

19. What was the first fandom you ever wrote for? McFly. God, those were the days. I was a literal child back then.

20. What’s your favourite fic that you’ve written? Definitely Devils Roll The Dice (Angels Roll Their Eyes). Writing that fic altered my brain chemistry, and I can still remember how I felt writing the different chapters. And also 19 Times The Grid Saved Lestappen (And One Time They Didn't Need To), because that was just so fun from start to finish.

Tagging @f1writingbyme, @nico-di-genova, and @f1posting (and anyone else who wants to do this and hasn't already been tagged!).

#Personal #My writing #Tag game #20 Questions for Fic Writers

18 notes · View notes

the-yuri-librarian · 3 months

Note

Can I ask, why do you love WLW romance better than Het romance? What makes them better? I did not mean anything negative, and I know everyone have their own like and dislike but I want to know your thoughts....

Also what do you think that made Asian WLW (GL manga/manhwa/manhua) romances different than western WLW romances?

This is a very good question on both fronts!

Answering the first part is easy: I prefer WLW relationships because I'm a lesbian. That's sort of all there is to it? Like, on some level, I have only been reading WLW novels for the past several years (and WLW comics since Sept '23), because hetero relationships in fiction have sort of dominated culture my whole life? I can't name a movie or a book series off hand from my childhood/teen years that did not contain a straight relationship. I would genuinely have to think about it. But, when I graduated from grad school for the first time and started to connect with reading on a level I hadn't since I was a kid-early teen, I made this very conscious decision to focus really really heavily on sapphic fiction, even more so than trans fiction even though I am trans, too. I think part of this is because I just wanted to see myself represented in the works I am reading. Another part of this is I relate more to sapphic romances. For all my life, I have only ever loved women as a woman, and that makes straight romances feel somewhat foreign to me? I think maybe it's because the way relationships are talked about in queer culture versus the way relationships are talked about in straight culture; it feels very different, though I don't have an example offhand to point to. On top of that, there is also a lot of historical precedent for lesbians feeling like their sexuality and their gender identity are somewhat meshed or intersected (if you want to know more I'd have to do like actual research lol), and I think I definitely feel that. The lesbian label is really important for me, and I think that importance draws me to WLW fiction

In terms of what makes eastern and western comics/yuri/sapphic romances different, I think that you could write an entire dissertation on this (but I'll try not to lol). Now, I am by no means an expert on Japanese or Korean cultural studies, in fact I am far from that, but I think the way the romances play out really highlights the way their cultures function differently from cultures in the west. Firstly, I think that eastern cultures place a much higher focus on cultural expectations. I would not say that eastern cultures are necessarily more conservative than western cultures (I mean, just look at any news coming out of the US, we're practically a theocracy). Instead, I would say that people living in eastern cultures are more bound by their culture. For example: in the US, or a similar western culture, it is generally ok to be gay in the 2010s and 2020s. From my understanding, this is also the case in Korea and Japan, but there is more cultural push back. I think this reality is represented in sapphic romance stories from the two places well. Look at any fiction featuring a lesbian main character coming out of America: their sexuality is never treated like some weird thing (unless the story is trying to realistically represent discrimination); instead, they just are gay. And, when a character is beginning to realize she might be a lesbian, she might have to adjust her view of herself, but it's really no big deal. On the other hand, look at Japanese yuri, especially high school stories: there is almost universally a moment where one of the characters will be like "but we're both girls!" to which the other character will be like "it's fine." I think this moment is included in those stories because the mangaka are consciously pushing back on the idea that it's wrong to be gay. A really good example of this can be seen in Rei's "it's ok to be gay monologue" in I'm in Love with the Villainess. In American fiction, something like that would likely feel unnecessary (though, for the record, I think American TV shows and movies are at the point where such a monologue is necessary, but that's a different story).

Another example can be seen in the way eastern comics treat cunnilingus. This is not a universal thing, but one trend that I've noticed in the more NSFW or smutty comics I've read is that, often, when a woman is about to go down on another woman, the one getting eaten out will protest like "no, not there" or "no, I'm not clean," and I think that this too is indicative of the ways women are entangled by cultural expectations in the east. In an America comic or novel, this would not be treated with the same hesitancy. But, in eastern cultures, there seems to almost be this expectation that the women turns down getting eaten out, only to relent and accept it when their lover insists.

I'm not sure if any of that makes sense, but it's the best I got without doing real research. Also, again, I am not an expert, so take everything I just said with about a tablespoon of salt!

#long post #yuri #yuri posting #lesbians #ask #i may end up doing research on this and making a more formal post about it #sapphic #lgbtq culture

3 notes · View notes

plenilune · 1 year

Text

saying goodbye to a really fucking weird year with -- honestly -- the most fondness and eagerness to get where I'm going next I've felt in, god fucking knows how long. since the cusp of 2015, maybe? and even then that was the giddiness of being newly in love and that redeeming the rest of the hurt and uncertainty. typically at the end of the year I'm so goddamn defeated I just want it to be over. I want some ritual of starting over so I can imagine I'll be able to make it go better this time. and this year started bad! I basically spent the winter in a disorienting fog of inescapable ptsd flashbacks that more or less ate my ability to function other than at work as an automaton with a lot of scripted sentences. I would come home from desired social interactions that had gone well sobbing because even though everything had gone well the act of interacting with other people hurt in an almost physical way, so that a positive social interaction was no better than a negative one, and I could not turn off the firehose of thoughts in my head no matter what I did. my imagination was a dried out nub of fuck-all that couldn't take root in anything. anything I enjoyed doing somehow made me feel worse, as if the wires had got reversed in my brain and whenever I had a good feeling my brain input the code for bad feeling instead. I was isolated, miserable, and EXHAUSTINGLY insane. I was constantly frightened with surging waves of obsessive terror and absolutely no corroborating evidence other than my own self-loathing and assumption that everyone found me as repulsive and exhausting as I did that my partner of nearly eight years loathed me and wanted me out of their life and were just too nice to tell me. half the time my thoughts were un-parseable to me. it felt like I was having thoughts radioed in untranslated from a language I didn't speak, garbled with static and warp. I was passively, if not dangerously, suicidal.

and then somehow I did two things, and I think they saved me, though I don't quite know how. first, I made good on my New Year's resolution, which was to pursue listening to music again in the old greedy, interested, wide-ranging exploratory way I did in my teens and early twenties before my life became a parade of having to survive disasters, because I'd already started by accident discovering new things again and being excited and transformed by them in a way I'd almost forgotten (this is also partly thanks to @hamartiamart and @picturesinhismind in particular, but some of it was just -- it happened, by accident, for some reason, and thank fuck). and listening to music made me interested in some things again. honestly I think my newfound ability to read and watch films again in this last chilly quarter of the year and the big messy Something I am labouring to shape into enough of a shape of use for Creation are all largely thanks to music and the new neural pathways and sense of wonder and eagerness it river'd through my brain. I started listening to music, really listening to music, again, and it made me able to pursue the books and films and histories and practises and interests that the music was trying to describe or tap into -- got really into hauntology this year, lads, among other things -- and thus I got my whole life back.

the other thing I did was that one day I couldn't stand it any more and I got on a bus and I told myself I'd get off the bus when it looked interesting. I remember this inexplicable feeling of claustrophobic terror, leaving my apartment, as if I was doing something wrong and dangerous and punishable, something that was going to hurt me. this at least had the benefit of signalling to me that no matter what, I had to keep going, before I started to really believe that feeling. and I did! I kept going all the way across the river, actually, and ended up in Covington, Kentucky, in a part of the city I'd always loved but had never actually explored on my own, in the leisurely way I like to take things in. I ended up at a cat cafe, of all places! they had delicious scones and a window through which I could watch the cats play if I didn't want to pay the enter-the-cat-room fee, and also an old favourite brown ale on tap I thought had been discontinued years ago because I could never find it any more. I sat there in this little warm corner of magic with stupid tears leaking all down my face for hours. then I started walking. it was not-quite-spring and cold and rainy but the grimy weird old city was beautiful. I was alive again. I went back nearly the next day I had off. just to walk around the city streets and discover new little Places and listen to albums on the bus. and then I started exploring more neighbourhoods. and I discovered the whole city I live in, which had never really been mine before.

also we bicycled, Corey and I, and I found more of the city to love, on long fond jaunts of wooded and wild and lovely places. during some of the worst of the summer cycling was the only time I was able to feel genuine pleasure and wonder. I have a list of coffeeshops that I love now, and restaurants where I've eaten, and three newly beloved used bookstores, and a vintage clothing shop where they recognise me, bus routes that feel homey to me, a queer bar I semi-regularly attend drag and burlesque shows at, a bike shop where the proprietor had me stand in place to listen to jazz on his meticulously crafted stereo system. I got my library card back, and -- well let me not get ahead of myself. it took me most of the year and a couple of false starts, but I got healthcare and access to medication again for the first time in many a fucking year, and I think it was because of the music, and the city. I found reasons to want to savour the world again and I became increasingly desperate to be able to do so. found a little queer clinic on one of my bus routes and got all my shots and things and started one medication that did fuck-all and missed several appointments and got worse for a while and then I started ssris again and it's like I'm a new fucking man. especially after the two-month adjustment period passed, like -- I'm not cured, I'm not well, I have so much more work to do, but I feel joy again. I feel interest. I am rewarded with the good brain chemicals when I do the things that I like. I can talk to other people sometimes, even if I still worry they couldn't possibly want to talk to me. I've made new friends this year, a couple of burgeoning new friendships I am so giddy and excited about, which has not happened in so long, and deepened some really cherished old ones, and even have sort of made work friends. my little sister and my favourite aunt got married (uh. not to each other.) and I danced my ass off at their weddings. Rowan and Dylan came to visit and we ran around the city and cooked them food, and of course the week Avery blew in with the summer rain, and Corey and I started a new tabletop game this autumn at the greatest place to play games of imagination in the world (our old friends' apartment above their magic and occult shop, or as their tagline has it, 'bespoke arcana') which, I am absolutely losing my shit about how much I'm enjoying it and my character, and my ability to respond to our DM and his partner's overtures of friendship now that I can be around other people for longer than twenty minutes without starting to scream internally and fall apart.

and, yeah, I got my library card back (I had like $200 worth of library fines from books that had been in my house since 2019, do NOT ask me to elaborate, it was a huge source of shame. anyway the Cincinnati library recently did away with fines altogether so all I had to do was return all the books and they would wipe away the debt, so to speak), so I've been reading properly again, and pursuing and discovering. and in 2023 I will do more of that, and perhaps I can finally, sometimes, be happy. something I had sort of forgotten was possible for me. I feel like I'm in a really insufferable stage of coming back from the dead, where everything in the world is so fucking DELIGHTFUL to me, and so much of it is mundane shit everyone else already knows or doesn't think is really all that worth putting up a fuss about -- buses and rain and small birds and pastries and the way certain sounds, sound, and memorex tapes and old film stock and ideas about detective fiction and gas stations and light and light and light -- but I like LIKING things again, not wanting to become dead most days I wake up because nothing can make the festering hurt rotting away at me stop, no taste is sweet, no sound is good, no touch is kind, no task brings me contentment or accomplishment, there is no point in taking care of myself or trying to become better when I only experience the same feelings of dread and screeching nerve pain and paranoid misery no matter what things I do or try to love.

god there's so much more I could say. I'm not used to this. it's got to even out sometime. but I am so excited to try to have a good year, this one time. I am excited to Become.

happy 2023, and may you also be eager for the mundane wonders in it.

#the diary #mental illness #holidaying #the new year

35 notes · View notes

urproblematicfav-arsonk · 1 year

Text

I would deadass mean a lot to me if it was made canon that Willy, Ron and Scary all have aspd/npd/autisim. Like the(largely accidental)rep would be so great in my opinion.

I fully believe Ron also has npd but unlike Willy he had somewhat of a support system through his mother and later the dads.

Scary fundamentally struggles with empathy and connecting emotionally with others. As much as the "lol I'm an angsty teen girl who's a mean loser" is like a joke, its sorta played too over the top to not be indicative of something else here.

Even as a autistic child I knew there was something "wrong" about me. I felt out of step with reality and often that no one actually could understand me.

Scary is constantly trying to connect and then failing in a way that I actually think is really similar to Willy.

I always interpreted the Fishing Scene as Willy legitimately being like "uhhg ok what do dads do?? They take their sons fishing????" Willy was very loosely trying to be a "person" and the second it went wrong he gave up immediately and just went back to the solution that's worked for him since he was a kid dealing with annoyance/harm.

Repeatedly there are these moments where Scary, very awkwardly is attempting to connect/mask and be a part of the group and works for like 10 seconds and then she can't keep the jig up and goes back to her normal/natural behaviors. Specifically I think the DnD game is a good example of this for her. Its really common for people like us to have this tbh sorta irrational belief that we know the "right way to have fun". Travis McElroy actually talked about how his npd would often make him genuinely frustrated at his family during Graduation because they weren't playing it right and he would have to stop, think, and remember " oh I'm not the ultimate authority for fun and other ppl can play however they want"(did he actually do that? No, but still he's trying I guess)

When I was a kid I'd get mad at my brother for adding toy cars to our fantasy games cuz cars don't belong in dragons and princess political dramas and my mom would literally tell a 6 year old me "u know this is why no one plays with u at school right?" Absolutely devastating but she was right lol.

Scary being controlling and weird and saying no constantly during her game is such peak npd/autistic behavior. She thinks that her way is the "correct" and "fun" way to play and gets frustrated when they won't play right. And the worse part is that she's very clearly trying so hard here. This is uncomfortable and difficult for her to be vulnerable and open like this. But she can't seem to do it right and the end result is everyone playing without her. Once again proving in her mind that No One Understands her and that she's Alone.

Scary can't mask or connect in her own neurodivergent way and she's literally being left out. Her sense of empathy and right/wrong is slightly off from everyone else's and more often then not Link or Normal's reaction to that is to call her bad or just get(rightfully)angry at her for not being able to understand something that is literally not able to come to her naturally like everyone else.

Or maybe its just really funny for Scary to be a over the top emo teen and for Ron to be unhinged lunatic who will say the most hurtful and deranged shit of a whim. Lol its sorta difficult to apply this deep analysis cuz how much of this is Beth genuinely giving us character information and how much is it "oh wouldn't it be funny if I said who's ur daddy tho" and I'm supposed to just laugh and not go on a iasip style conspiracy on Ron's brain

#aspd and autisim is the same disorder theory has bamboozled me thoroughly #anyway #projection time everybody #still waiting for my willy redemption arc #where is it Anthony #come on man stepping up stamplers breaking the cycle #where is it tony #i wouldn't be surprised tho if beth did think about this #she has pretty good understanding of these kinds of things it seems #dungeons and daddies #dungeons and daddies s2 #willy stampler #ron stampler #scary marlowe #beth may #actually autistic #meta #character analysis #neruodivergent

28 notes · View notes

caassette · 2 months

Text

here's my ranking of every corvette model purely on aesthetics, from C1 to C8

Obviously, it's old. It looks old. There's essentially zero hard lines, as every piece of it is curved and connects smoothly without any angles. You can see the front-engine design that pushes the cabin towards the rear, which would be the defining visual feature imo for the corvette line as time goes on. Kind of timeless tho.

This thing looks space age as fuck. I don't think I would fit in that cabin at 6'2", but they've leaned even harder on pushing the seats back about as far as they could go and giving what looks like fully half of the body, the front half, over to the engine. They've also kept a lot of the swoopiness and smoothness in the design, but you can start to see some hard lines on the side panel towards the front wheel, and an actual honest-to-god angle on the A pillar. I feel like this aged worse than the C1, but that's mostly my personal preference.

Now we're fuckin talking !!! To me, this is some top shelf corvette design. The cabin is pushed back and the swoops are still present over top of the wheel wells, but they've gone for a more aggressive and angular front bumper design and some choice chrome.

Flopp....to me, this is like the catfish camaro; it's kind of neat, but it looks nothing like the rest of the generations. This is like, there's no swoops. Or there is, but it's in the wrong places. They've taken out that gorgeous grille up front and hidden the vents on the side. I don't like it very much.

LETS GOOOOOOO i love this one. Maybe I'm biased cuz this is the model I grew up seeing, but they brought back the smooth flowing curves and reimagined that side panel line from the C2. I wish it was just a touch more angular on the front bumper, maybe even borrowing elements from the C4 design (but ideally C3), but to me this is a huge return to form after the C4 flop. I know it looks kind of weird honestly and it's probably not for everyone, but I like it.

This is textbook, truly stunning, a masterclass in modern corvette design. They dialed it back a bit from the frankly offensive curvature (even though...I love it...I know it's too much for most people) of the C5, and re-incorporated a bigass intake to the front. They've kept the C2, C3, and C4 elements I love and combined them with an evolved C5 chassis to create what is, in my opinion, the greatest 'vette look since the iconic C3.

Ok so bad take maybe but to me the C7 is where we're starting to slip. It looks good, don't get me wrong -- it's angular, it's sharp, it looks mean and fast and all the things you want from an expensive car. But it's starting to look less like a Corvette, to me. There's still the front engine position, but look how much the cabin has crawled forward since the C2. Since even the C5. And where's the swoopies? The curves? This looks kind of like if a Camaro and a Ferrari had a baby -- which is kind of distinctly far from what a Corvette should look like. To me.

And there is it...the C8.

Let me tell you a story. My grandfather, may he rest in peace, owned a C3. It was in brown, which is kind of the worst color, but a beautiful machine nonetheless. And my father, his son, drove it with startling regularity. Can you blame him? If I'd had access to a Corvette in my teen years I would have driven it just to drive it! He loved it so much that he totaled it, and I never got to see it in my own lifetime.

I say all this to say: my dad knows what a Corvette looks like. He spent a huge chunk of time in his formative years driving one. Through my childhood he would often tell me stories, mostly the one of him totaling it, of him driving it. And the first time he saw this car, he asked me what it was.

BECAUSE IT DOES NOT LOOK LIKE A CORVETTE.

The swoops; the long nose; the engine in front of the driver -- even the side vents have been repurposed as additional air intake and shoved way back! If you squint, it kind of resembles the C7. But that's cuz they're lying: that classic bubble cockpit doesn't cover just the seats, but also the engine. This isn't an FR car. This thing looks practically indistinguishable from anything coming out of Maranello.

They've said the C9 is going to be built on the same base as the C8, which is pretty disheartening. I hope once the line switches over to being electric, they're able to make it look more like it's supposed to.

#corvette #i know these opinions are uninformed but #i actually feel pretty strongly about them #corvettes are like the one american car i'd kind of like to drive #since i've never seen a pig in one #and they're not utter dogshit in a corner

2 notes · View notes