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leqonsluv3r · 24 days

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valentine’s day

—leon finally starts to heal after he meets you in a grocery store, a blurb

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an: i’ve had this idea in my head since i went to the LANY concert a month ago and heard this song live. i have not been the same person since, this drabble/blurb is dedicated to this song and leon. it’s a lot longer then i intended and i apologize lol

leon wasn’t one to heal easy.

not from his past, not from the missions when he saw more gore and blood then he wanted to. not when he had gagged every time he saw blood from that point foreword.

he was still healing when he walked into a grocery store about four months after his last mission. he was still healing when he grabbed one of those stupid baskets to carry your groceries in through the store.

he grabbed a couple bottles of alcohol, some snacks and some soap. essentials, things he needs. because sleeping without alcohol now is…it’s a lot harder then it used to be. just nightmares and images of bloodshed — he just says fuck it. he gets what he needs, what he wants and he goes up to the front of the store to pay.

what he doesn’t understand, when he sees you for the first time, is why your working in a grocery store of all places. your too beautiful for that, you should be doing something better, something worthy of your time. he doesn’t know a single thing about you yet and he’s willing to draw that conclusion.

you smile kindly at people from behind your register, your voice is kind and sweet. it draws something within him like a magnet, his heart is pounding, he’s going to explode or something. he used to be so good at talking to women but it’s declined as the years have gone by. he’s gotten tired, he just didn’t care like he used to.

he awkwardly sits his basket down on the conveyor belt of the register, you catch his eye and smile a little and it fucking does something to him. he knows he’s screwed beyond relief at that point. he smiles back, or tries to. he’s out of practice on that to, can’t remember the last time he’s smiled.

“this all for you?” you say softly, your eyes scanning over the bottles of alcohol, the snacks and the bottle of soap. he nods and chuckles a little, low and deep, just like his voice. “yeah, that’s all…” he grabs his wallet out of his back pocket of his jeans.

he wish he could say something better, something more positive and just something to grab your attention. he searches his brain as you tell him the total and he hands you the card. but he doesn’t have to say anything, you speak first.

“leon? that’s…you have a nice name.” you say and it snaps him out of his brain, he blinks those devastating blue eyes. ones that were once full of life, he nods. “my mom gave it to me.” he jokes lamely, or at least he thinks it’s lame until he hears your small little giggle.

he feels his heart beat with more confidence and energy now, like his one effort at making you smile is good enough. making you laugh is worth enough. you hand him his card back and put the receipt in the shopping bag, telling him to have a great day. not a nice day like you did with the others, but a great day. like you could tell he needed to hear that.

he walks out of the grocery store with the biggest, stupidest smile on his face. one that he has been a stranger to for months. he has you to thank for that.

the weeks that followed he came back to the grocery store, once maybe sometimes three times a week if he wasn’t sent off on a mission. he almost can’t help himself, he likes talking to you when your there.

you make him feel something he hadn’t felt in such a long time. it’s almost ridiculous, but he can’t help himself, it’s like an addiction. but it doesn’t involve him waking up with a hangover.

he keeps coming, week after week and buying things from the grocery store just to talk to you, just to see your sweet face. just to give him some kind of ray of sunshine that casts his whole body in a warm glow. making his heart beat faster.

but today was different, he was going to ask you out today. he was going to do it, he couldn’t be scared anymore. he couldn’t let you pass by anymore like something rare and just ignore you.

you were something to him. even if you didn’t even know that yet.

he walked up, carrying the same five things he always grabbed. his heart was pounding wildly, he was so out of practice but he just had to get out there and do it. just give himself something, he would hope you would say yes.

he put the items on the conveyor belt and waited until it was his turn, you finished checking out the customer in front of him and then turned to look at him. “hi stranger, haven’t seen you in awhile.” you say with a small frown, it’s adorable, it makes his heart melt.

he chuckles and shakes his head, “didn’t know you missed me.” he muses as he watches you start scanning his stuff. slowly and methodically almost as if you wanted this interaction to last longer too.

you sigh and shake your head, “of course i did, your my favorite customer.” you say with a small smile, and if he wasn’t looking so intently at you, he wouldn’t have noticed the subtle blush on your cheeks.

“i better be. goodness knows i give you guys enough business.” he chuckles playfully and flashes you a grin, almost as bright as the sun. he didn’t know where he was willing this confidence from, maybe it’s because he needed you. he needed you to at least attempt to be with him. you were the first light he has had in his life in a long time.

you scan his last item and he realizes it’s now or never, “26.73” you say as you lay out your hand for the card so he can pay. he reaches into his wallet and gives it to you, your fingers brush against each other. he wills himself to do it, to just do it now.

“uhm, i actually…i have a question for you.” he says with a small tremble of his hands, keeping his eyes on you to gauge your reaction behind the register. you look back up at him, swiping his card. “yeah?” you say and he could swear there’s almost hopefulness in your voice.

he swallows all the nerves down and attempts to keep himself calm enough to get this out, he can’t screw this up. he cannot screw you up, he would never forgive himself if he did.

“do you want to go out with me? like on a date?” he says and it’s so weird, the words feel foreign as they slipped from his mouth. usually women used to flock to him, but they didn’t anymore. his confidence with women had slipped right along with him trying to be sober all the time.

you blinked at him, holding onto his card in your small but intricate fingers. you seem to be thinking it over, weighing your options. he feels like the rejection is going to slip out of your lips at any given moment and he’s preparing himself for it.

then eventually, you respond, “i’d love to.”

now, it’s his turn to gawk and blink at you, almost perplexed that you are actually saying yes, accepting him and accepting this date. he can’t help the smile on his face, it’s almost stupid. you hand him the card and his brain goes on autopilot. you hand him the bag of his stuff, he grabs it and goes to walk away.

until, “wait! you forgot your receipt!” you yell behind him, holding up a slip of paper and waving it. he turns around and walks back to the register, his brows furrowed. you never gave him a receipt, he grabs the slip of paper from your fingers. he reads it over with confusion until he sees your number at the bottom, your hand writing and scribbles drawn with a little heart next to it.

he smiles, another genuine one that only you could conjure onto his face. “text me, we can set up a date.” you say to him, nodding towards the receipt. you look just as giddy as he feels inside. he nods, “absolutely. will do.”

he texts you the minute he gets home. and you respond. the texts keep going between you two until you both eventually settle on a date to go out. your both feeling like love-struck teenagers, so entranced with each other it’s almost borderline disgusting.

the week after you set the date passes and neither of you can hardly wait. you both have your reasons for being nervous, you both have that joy when you see each other but it shines in a different way. especially when he picks you up for your guy’s date.

you look stunning. stunning doesn’t even begin to cover it for him. you look like if heaven was a person, like an angel. that’s good enough reason for him to not let his blue eyes break from you all night.

and they don’t, they don’t ever break. not one second, he keeps his gaze on you at dinner, when your both talking and flirting aimlessly with each other. to leon, it feels good to have that someone; even if they don’t know it yet. that lights up their world and just makes it so much better.

he doesn’t break his gaze when you two walk by the lake, showing him all the birds and where they nest when winter comes closer. he admires the way you talk about small things, things that other people wouldn’t normally talk about or care about for that matter. but you took time, every week, to come feed the ducks and birds at this lake.

and he doesn’t break his gaze when he walks you back to your place, low intimate whispers that turn into slow kisses and touches. it doesn’t turn frantic, it just stays slow and gentle. it’s loving and it almost wants to make leon cry, because you care so much, this kiss just proves it.

because for the first time in a long time, you make him feel cared for. you make him feel wanted and it’s so much to him that he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

he wants you forever, he wants you as long as you let him have you. and he’s always going to take care of you, just like you’ve unknowingly taken care of him. taken the sadness away from him by just being in his life.

three months later, you and leon were dating.

you guys were the happiest people, it seemed you brought leon back from the edge. he opened up and you learned all you could about him. he got to learn more about you. and you both loved the idea of having that one confidant in each other.

the one you would have when you were sad, scared, angry, frustrated, etc. everything made sense with the two of you together. and you guys found that one piece that was missing within each of you. you guys were happy, leon was smiling a lot more then he usually did.

he didn’t drink his days away anymore, he didn’t come back from missions to an empty apartment and he didn’t have nightmares. it was still there but you dulled the ache, you filled that dark hole inside of him that had been gone for so long.

you made him happier, you made him recognize the man in the mirror again with your love. your love and everything about you made him better. he was better for you.

you had each other to soothe the gaps and ridges of your guys souls that were jagged. you had that thing that he was searching for, that he’d been missing for so long.

he loved you.

and nothing was ever going to change that.

an: i love you guys sm :,) thank you guys for reading my stuff and engaging. i was so worried when i started writing on tumblr that it wasn’t going to take. that no one would like my writing and i was wrong. you guys have given me so much support in liking my fics. it makes me so happy to have that support. it keeps me going. i love you all, i’ll be posting a one shot soon, keep up on my requests. pls reblog if you enjoyed, you guys know the drill. kisses, xx.

taglist: @elihii @heartsforvin @argreion @sqiim (to join the taglist DM me or interact with my link at the beginning)

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inkskinned · 11 months

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im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.

you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.

please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.

could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.

i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.

i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.

but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.

you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.

here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.

for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.

i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.

happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.

it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.

these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.

there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam

recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.

but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.

and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.

#i hope you are okay #i wish i could help more #i hope the pain eases soon #and i hope that you stay #ps . to those of you reading this thinking i should help you too: please just dm me #it makes me really #really really scared when it's anonymous #bc i cant check in with u #i am not a professional and i am not actually good at helping ppl through their troubles #this is an exception bc they are 16 #not the rule #ps if u misunderstand ''being a teenager is the hardest thing i ever did'' when i mention briefly that i was in unsafe housing...#trust me. it was worse there. by like A HUGE margin #every person raised in unsafe housing nodding their head like . oh yeah worse stuff TECHNICALLY happened after but leaving that home was #legit the hardest thing i ever did

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qqueenofhades · 4 months

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Hi! This question has been noodling in my head for a few weeks, and I’ve been really curious to hear your opinion. I’ve appreciated your very thoughtful commentary on the ways the online left in particular have hurt the real and concerted efforts that have been made to navigate through the Gaza war in support of Palestine. I’ve seen a lot of outrage online about Biden bypassing congress in order to make another emergency weapons sale to Israel, which does indeed read as counter to helping to the Palestinians facing endless and indiscriminate violence. I understand that you might not want to answer this ask, because the work that you already do in your life offline and the work that you do here on tumblr to respond to and explain these issues is exhausting enough. Thanks so much for your time and your thoughtful contributions! It’s always really helped me remember to slow down and think critically about the media I consume.

Because you have asked this thoughtfully and in good faith, I will return the favor and give you a careful and extensive answer to the best of my ability. However, obligatory top-of-post disclaimer that I will disable reblogs at the first hint of any wankery in the notes and I will not answer any follow-ups or secondary asks at this time (unless I decide to do so, but I engage with this topic sparingly, judiciously, and only in small doses, so don't count on it).

First, let me say that the moment, I disagree with substantial portions of how Biden is handling the two main foreign-policy crises (Ukraine and Gaza). In regard to Ukraine, I think he's backed off, taken his foot off the gas, and otherwise given Republicans ammunition to keep delaying or watering down a new aid bill, is refusing to disburse military aid packages from the $4 billion of funding remaining that was previously approved by Congress, hasn't sent long-range ATACMS and other critical military hardware that might bring the war to an end sooner, and is not (as of the moment, though recent reporting suggests this might change) pushing hard enough for frozen Russian assets to be transferred to Ukraine for military and/or humanitarian financial assistance. However, I am also aware (unlike, it seems, much of the left-leaning internet) that I am basing these judgments only on my personal impressions, on what is reported (or not reported) in the media (which has plenty of its own problems) and otherwise what is formed in my role as an ordinary American citizen without any kind of special, classified, high-level, or government access. I know nothing more than any of you, and I also know that a lot of what goes on behind closed doors does not appear on Political Twitter and/or the Washington Post or the Guardian or Daily Kos or whatever other aggregate sources of information I or any left-leaning person typically consumes. So it's highly possible (and this is my cautious academic instinct speaking) that I do not, in fact, have a full picture of events. There are also contributing factors that Biden cannot simply handwave aside, even if he did, say, dip back into the $4 billion pot in the meantime. Congress will need to pass a new funding bill for Ukraine aid and the MAGA Republicans have been enthusiastically blocking it to the point where Putin's cronies on Russian state TV praise them effusively for it. We all know about the Republicans and Russia's mutual love affair. So.

The same goes for Gaza, and even more because we have already had reporting about how the Biden administration is walking a behind-the-scenes tightrope in a number of seemingly impossible tasks: keeping the war from spreading to a larger theater, pressuring Netanyahu to dial down, y'know, the rampant genocide (when Netanyahu notoriously doesn't like Biden, was very close with Trump, and would be happy to keep the war going in order to boost Trump's chances of being re-elected and save Netanyahu himself from his own criminal prosecutions), and pursuing a complex policy toward the state of Israel that does not follow the antisemitic Western Online Left's fever dream of "Israel suddenly disappears overnight and falls into the ocean and all Jews die or disappear." We have had multiple credibly sourced reports about this. Blinken is back in the Middle East right now trying to keep the war from spreading. The US under Biden has criticized Israel's essentially empty policy document for post-war Gaza as not being remotely feasible (because it's so vague) and gone so far as to voice support for a two-state solution with Palestinian self-determination (which is itself quite radically different from previous administrations). However, they have also vetoed UN ceasefire resolutions and other essentially meaningless political theater (the UN as a whole has been ruthlessly exposed in the last few years for being completely useless) that are easy to gin up outrage about, and that's what the internet focuses on, rather than any of the other complicated actions taking place.

All of this is to say that no, in fact, I don't blindly support everything the Biden administration is doing in regard to either Ukraine or Israel right now, but I actually have a sense of real-world perspective about it and understand that there are certain immutable realities that we are working with and which will not be erased by some absolute jackasses yelling at Biden in a historically black church at the commemoration of an anti-black terrorist attack. Likewise, as I've said it before and I'll say it again, and as plenty of other people have noticed and pointed out, the Western left is using this as an orgy of pseudo-revolutionary fervor that focuses on using Hamas as a proxy for their own fantasies of violent uprising against their own governments. Because while yes, anti-zionism and antisemitism are two distinct things and represent different aims and goals, it's become more or less irrelevant in allegedly pro-Palestine Western leftist spaces. It's just increasingly rabid, accelerationist, and nihilistic antisemitism all the time, or the obvious usage of "Zionist" to mean "Jew." It's not good. There is no concept of actual restorative justice for Palestinians or other people, such as Ukrainians, Syrians, Uyghurs, Taiwanese, etc, either undergoing genocide or facing the threat of it, because Western leftists have latched onto this cause solely as a stick to beat the Democratic Party with and have no actual moral interest or concern in stopping genocide elsewhere in the world or repudiating it as a method overall. They just want the state of Israel (which they characterize as a "proxy state for white western colonialism" despite the many, many things historically, religiously, and politically wrong with that statement, because it means it now Contains the Right Buzzwords to Oppose It) to be destroyed altogether in the name of "opposing colonialism," but it really seems to be all about opposing Jews. Hmm.

Simply put, Biden is not ever going to pursue a policy of "let's totally abandon Israel tomorrow, never sell it any weapons or allow it to defend its own civilians, and agree that Hamas is actually a good representation or advocate for the Palestinian people" in the way a number of Western Online Leftists seem to think he should do. There is still the fact that Israeli civilians do exist and that Hamas has continued to launch missiles at them daily, inconvenient as that fact might be for the Hamas fanboys (and fangirls) who now populate much of what passes for Western leftist discourse spaces. (Either that or they don't care, because in their view, Israeli civilians are fully acceptable collateral damage by virtue of simply living in Israel in the first place, which -- yikes. Fucking yikes. That is all.) The number of people professing to be lifelong leftists who are Just Shocked at all the antisemitism, or thinking that any and all antisemitism is just artificially introduced into leftist spaces by bad-faith right-wing/Nazi psyops either has not spent any actual time around leftists, or (more likely) simply does not listen to what they openly say. The antisemitism is virulent, constant, and only getting worse. On the most basic level, regardless of the other difficulties around the founding of Israel as a state in 1948 and the fact that doing so on some of the most bitterly religiously, politically, ethnically, and culturally contested territory in the world for over two thousand years was always going to be a massive clusterfuck, the fact of its immediate post-Holocaust creation simply cannot be ignored the way many Online Leftists do. Israel exists because of the worst antisemitic mass murder in recorded history (and that's a high bar). That fact must be incorporated into any actual discussions about its right either to exist or to protect its own civilians. But this gets turned into "Israel exists only as a puppet state of white western colonialists" which is just bad on so, so many levels.

The collective Western Online Leftist feeling seems to be that Hamas are innocent and wronged freedom fighters who are begging for a ceasefire and the cruel Israelis aren't granting them one. This is not true. Hamas has rejected multiple ceasefire opportunities, and continued to launch missiles and retaliatory attacks, because they are terrorists and they do not want or represent any serious opportunity to negotiate in the framework of western liberal democracy. They are treated as helpless woobified blorbos by much of the Western leftist-leaning internet. They are not. In that case, Biden bypassing Congress to sell Israel weapons (which was just something like 100 million of artillery shells, which is not nothing but still not a huge systematic thing like, say, Reagan's Iran-Contra scandal) is not great. I do not support anything Israel is doing to Gaza. It is abhorrent. However, there are reasons for Biden to provide some limited amount of weapons to Israel without congressional approval that do not automatically and mindlessly equate to BIDEN SUPPORTS TOTAL GENOCIDE IN GAZA!!!!!!1 Especially when as I've said, the Online Leftists only care about stopping genocide when it fits their political self-righteousness, and absolutely not at all the rest of the time.

This is representative of the fact that Western Online Leftism has now completed its all-out descent into blind Noam Chomskyism. Chomsky has never met a "leftist" or "anti-Western" genocide he couldn't deny, excuse, or openly cheerlead (going all the way back to the 1970s and Pol Pot/the Khmer Rouge in Cambodia and going up to the minute with Russia/Ukraine and Israel/Palestine). Noam Chomsky is the leftist Henry Kissinger. His ethics and morals are equally abhorrent, he's just as willing to justify total genocide in the name of advancing his preferred political ideology, and while there were (justifiably) celebrations and gloating memes across Tumblr when Kissinger finally bit the dust, Chomsky's beliefs are replicated with slavish adoration in many other Tumblr spaces and spread in some form or another to the rest of the website, which now takes them as leftist gospel (and let's not even talk about Twitter). This represents my absolute frustration with the fact that Western Online Leftism has devolved to such a degraded, mindless, useless, and malevolent level that "cheerlead for any anti-western/Leftist TM terrorist group or state" is taken to be the be-all and end-all of their moral philosophy. Someone remarked that ISIS peaked too early; if they were still at the height of their powers today, they would have a legion of devoted white so-called progressive Twitter users shilling earnestly and angrily for them, and Christ, isn't that the fucking truth.

I know we live in a hard, frightening, complex, and difficult world, and it's hard to sort out what our moral responsibility and action should be at any given time, especially since the answer is always so frustratingly partial and incomplete. Nobody of basic good sense and decency wants to see Gaza leveled while the Israeli state continues to apply a number of violently cruel collective punishments even outside the actual daily bombing of civilians. But for the love of god, let's get rid of the idea that the continued mindless violence doesn't benefit Hamas (because it does; unsurprisingly, sympathy for their cause has soared in Gaza) as much as it does Israel, or that Hamas is some kind of benevolent peacemaker that is being thwarted by the cruel imperialist US/West. And going back to the incident that prompted you to send me this ask: white leftists have often and repeatedly demonstrated their withering disdain for black people, Democratic voters, "mainstream" Americans, and anyone else doesn't buy into the twisted tankie fantasy land where getting rid of Biden would somehow be a massive coup for social justice (by getting Trump, now openly announcing at every turn that he will be a dictator, back into office! Very praxis, much justice. Wow.)

In short: if you, a white person, stand up in Mother Emanuel AME -- one of the most sacred sites for Black churchgoers, who are indeed often heavily Democratic voters -- in the middle of a remembrance service for victims of white supremacist terrorism, after the Black pastor has asked you not to protest inside the church out of respect for the Black community coming together to relive its trauma -- just so you can heckle Biden and feel good about yourself, then Jesus Christ. You don't care about restorative justice for people of color, or literally any justice at all, much less "stopping genocide." You just want to use them as props for your Chomsky cosplay revolutionary fantasies and your sense of self-righteous superiority over literally everyone else, regardless of the real-world consequences. So I have no hesitation whatsoever in telling those people to get fucked. Often and repeatedly.

#anonymous #ask #politics for ts #israel hamas war #russia ukraine war #history #long post

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moonstruckme · 3 months

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Worried/gentle Pre relationship Sirius x reader who’s having a panic attack (his first time seeing her have one)

Thanks for requesting!

cw: panic attack

Sirius Black x fem!reader ♡ 1.4k words

Sirius is no amateur concert-goer. He knows how to hunt for the best tickets, how to smuggle in drinks, and how to get there early enough that he gets right up by the stage. Since it’s your first real concert (you argued that you’ve seen musicians play at restaurants and parks and the like, which Sirius informed you doesn’t count), he’s pulling out all the stops.

“Alright, doll, we’ve got one bottle of water and one of vodka. Newbie’s choice.”

“You can stop hammering in the newbie thing so hard, you know,” you say, reaching for the vodka. Your eyes flicker between the people starting to gather around you as they filter into the venue. “I don’t want to be ostracized by everyone here.”

Sirius grins. “I’ll vouch for you, don’t worry.”

You mirror his smile wryly, taking a covert swig from the bottle. “Won’t someone take this away from us?”

“No,” he says, “right now everyone who works here is too focused on getting people inside, and soon it’ll be too packed to see us anyway.”

You press your lips together as you nod, taking another hearty sip of the vodka.

As if he hasn’t already been doing it all week, Sirius launches into a biography of the band you’re seeing. How they’d gotten started, when they’d been discovered, how he’d first discovered them (the true beginning of their fame, really), etc, etc. At first, you’re smiling and chiming in as he talks, but gradually he notices you becoming less responsive. You seem distracted. Must be the atmosphere, he reasons. There’s an exhilarating buzz going through the crowd, which Sirius is pleased to note comprises a rather impressive turnout for a band that’s just getting their start. With the colored lights the venue’s management turned on after everyone had been let inside, it’s difficult to make out distinct faces in the sea of bobbing heads. Sirius would hardly know it was you next to him if you hadn’t linked your arm through his the first time someone had cut between you two, as though worried he’d get swept away if you didn’t hold on tight. He hardly minds; if things were different between you, he doubts you’d ever be able to extricate his hand from your back pocket.

“You with me, dollface?” he asks when you don’t seem to notice he’s asked you a question. He’d asked if you wanted to try to find an after-party, though he knows you well enough to suspect you’ll be ready to collapse into bed by the time the concert itself is finished.

“Hm?” You look at him, the sparkly eyeshadow you’d asked him to put on you glinting as you blink. Your pupils look huge. “Yeah. Yeah, sorry.”

Sirius starts to nod, but then someone behind you shoulders you accidentally and you jolt like you’ve been shot.

He eyes you warily. “You sure? You look a bit warm.”

It’s an understatement. Your features gleam with sweat under the colored lights. The crowd does make it a bit balmy inside, but your face is as flushed as if you’ve run a mile.

“I’m okay,” you say, though you won’t look at him. You take a breath as if to steady yourself, untangling your arm from his to press a hand to your chest.

Sirius touches your shoulder tentatively. It’s hot and slick under his hand. “Sweetheart, you’re shaking,” he says, panic creeping up his throat. This is all a bit too familiar. “Do you need some air?”

You suck in a breath, the action sounding more effortful than it should. “Fuck, I’m sorry,” you pant. “Yeah, I think—yeah.”

Sirius glances around, taking a millisecond to mourn your prime spot before plotting a course through the crowd. He makes you hold his hand as he shoulders his way through, keeping you close behind him. It’s frightening how he can hear the sound of your gasping breaths even over the eager ruckus of the crowd.

He gets you through as quickly as he can, beelining for the exit. “You’re alright,” he tells you as you both break out into the crisp night air. It takes all the self-control he has to keep his own anxiety from his voice, but he does his best to sound gentle and calm. “We’re going to find you a place to sit down.”

He guides you over to the side of the building, mostly out of sight of traffic going in and out the doors, and sits you down on some grass. You fold your knees into your chest instantly, the position obviously familiar, and press your forehead to your knees.

“You’re gonna be okay,” Sirius murmurs, crouching beside you and rubbing your back. Smooth, slow passes up and down your spine. “I’m not going to leave you. Just breathe, doll.”

You seem like you’re really trying, forcing slow if stilted breaths through your mouth. He gathers the hair off your nape, using a ponytail from his wrist to tie it loosely over your head. The cool air seems to be helping somewhat. Your ears and neck are less flushed, but you’re still shaking something terrible. He redoubles his efforts on your back, pushing his palm into your spine in a way he hopes is soothing.

“I’m sorry,” you gasp into the space between your knees and your abdomen.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it, please,” Sirius begs you. “Are you cold? Do you want my jacket?”

You shake your head.

“Anything I can do?”

You blow out a breath. Shaky, but more substantial than the rest. “Can I have the water?”

“Yeah, of course.” Sirius’ own hands tremble slightly as he untwists the cap, passing it to you. You bring your head up to drink it, taking brief, measured sips. Your makeup is all smeared underneath your eyes.

“Thank you,” you manage once you’re done. Sirius gets the impression you mean for more than the water.

“Don’t mention it.” He takes the bottle from you, hand resuming its path on your spine. You tuck your head back into your legs. “Take your time, love, we’re not in any rush.”

Slowly, over the course of the next few minutes, your breathing evens out. Some of the tension leaves your body, your posture slumped and miserable as goosebumps appear along your arms. Sirius drapes his jacket over you, continuing to rub your back through the thick material.

Finally, you lift your head.

“I’m sorry.” Your voice is tight, a tear slipping down your face. Sirius’ heart revolts, batting against his ribs like a frantic bird in a cage.

“Hey, it’s okay,” he says, doing his best to keep the desperation out of his voice as scoots closer to your side. He brushes the wetness away with his thumb. “You’ve got nothing to apologize for, sweetness.”

“No, I know crowds do this to me, and I didn’t even warn you, I just—” Your face scrunches, as if you’re endeavoring to keep some great pain at bay. “I wanted to do this for you.”

Suddenly he’s the one with no air. Guilt chokes him, hot and thick in his throat. “You didn’t have to do anything for me, dollface. I mean, I appreciate it,” he gives you one of his best smiles, rewarded when your eyes crinkle slightly in response, “but I never want you to put yourself through anything like this for me. I’m happy when you’re happy, understand?”

You nod, eyebrows stitched together remorsefully. Sirius wants to kiss between them, then all up and down your face until not a hint of melancholy remains, but in lieu of that he tucks a piece of hair that had escaped his earlier capture behind your ear, thumbing affectionately at your cheek.

“I’m sorry for scaring you,” you say meekly.

“That’s okay,” he promises you. “My brother Reggie used to get panic attacks too, when he was younger. I have a bit of practice with them.”

Sirius doesn’t think it matters how much practice he gets; he’ll always be shit at comforting people, but at least he knows enough to guess what you’ll need now.

You look at him interestedly. “Really?”

“Mhm,” he says. “Are you tired? We can go back to my place and watch a movie. Or if you just want to go to bed I can take you home.”

“Your place is good,” you say, letting him take your hand to help you up. Your legs wobble a bit underneath you, and Sirius wraps a hand around your waist, holding you to his side as you start back towards the sidewalk.

“This okay?” he asks, watching you carefully.

“Yeah,” you say softly. Your hand worms underneath his arm, sliding around his back in turn. “Yeah, this is good.”

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rabbitindisguise · 4 months

Text

migraine cheat sheet for folks not sure if they have migraines

A couple cardinal signs for migraines:

pulsating/throbbing

nerve pain-like (tingly, electric, shooting)

aching, especially radiating into the jaw

can be on one side or both sides, in one area or more than one area, or even at the base of the skull, front of forehead, etc

at least one of sound sensitivity, light sensitivity, nausea +/ vomiting, and veritgo (typically- there are subtypes and other headache disorders)

and of course migraine aura (flashing lights, dark spots in vision, etc)

can come in short bursts of 1-30 seconds repeatedly, can last for hours or even weeks, and have different phases with different associated symptoms

Headaches:

don't interfere with work, school, or socializing

mildly annoying

take a lot of effort (weeks of staying up too late, being hungover, etc)

happen infrequently (closer to 1-2 a year)

are not "bad ones" (if you had "regular headaches" and "bad headaches" then it's very likely you have migraines - though personally both headache types turned out to be migraines for me)

happen when you have the flu or another illness as a result and it's clears up by the time you recover from it

do not last 30 min - 72 hours with a clear start, middle, and end phase

don't make you feel wrung out dry afterwards

don't affect you neurologically (fuzzy feeling, slow movements, slurring, feeling exhausted/sleep deprived, feel like you can't rest properly even after taking ibuprofen)

don't respond to sumatriptan or another migraine reliver

you don't dread having a headache

you don't avoid chemicals/harsh scents, chocolate, concerts, or any other migraine triggers

#personal #disability #I saw a similar post but it was unrelated and this stuff was a sidenote so I was like #what if whole post is just information about symptoms #so I did not come up with the idea I just didn't want to make a long post even longer with my additions that would kind of derail it

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junosmindpalace · 11 months

Text

Suna isn’t the type of person to go out of his way to impress someone. To quit slacking off during practice when he senses Kita’s watchful gaze, sure, but to invest time grooming himself into other people’s likeness? No way.

He’s secure in himself for the most part, laid back and nonchalant. It wasn’t as if he didn’t put any work into himself, it was just that he only gave effort in areas he cared about or where it was required of him, and that usually didn’t transcend outside the realms of school and volleyball.

Most of the time (when he isn’t slacking off), Suna is practicing getting down a more efficient spike and doing his best to keep up with his agonizing classes. That was the most he cared about in terms of himself…until you had started to talk up a classmate of yours.

Suna was used to getting attention as an athlete, a lot of times indifferent to it. Atsumu was the one who enjoyed that sort of attention more, but he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t a blow to his pride when he hears you gush about a guitarist friend of yours. You would seemingly drone on and on about how impressive he was. You swooned, you would say. Guitarists are so cool. Rintaro listened to all your starstricken rants with raised brows and an annoyed look on his face. He couldn’t help but scoff and look away when you once mentioned something about attending one of his gigs.

You were enthusiastic about Suna’s volleyball games, but never had you talked about his plays with such reverence. What was so great about guitarists? You could get all the excitement from a concert at one of Suna’s games. There was no need for you to attend that guy’s show. The rush in the stands are pretty much the same you’d feel at a concert venue.

“Athletes are obviously better. What does plucking some strings have on power and scoring points?”

Suna’s mouth curled downward into a small frown as he listened to Atsumu’s attempt at trying to pick him up during practice. Suna didn’t mean for it to start getting discussed, but Atsumu, dumbfounded by Suna’s irritable mood, got curious on what could possibly make his very nonchalant teammate so…chalant. And so he poked and prodded, making exaggerated comments about his ugly face due to the deep frown on his lips and how he could see the steam coming from his ears until Suna caved in.

“Obviously something.”

Rintaro, you should see him play! He’s incredible, it almost has me falling for him. You had joked, but alarm bells were going off in his head, a wave of nausea washing over him and wiping out the remainder of his ego and any sort of nonchalance he was able to feign. That was his final straw.

It was Aran who was the first to find out about Suna’s new hobby when he visited his house one afternoon, staring in surprise at the new addition to his usually unchanging room sitting in the corner.

“When’d you get a guitar, man?”

“Last week.”

“I didn’t know you were interested in playing an instrument.”

Suna's gaze shifted to the ground as he only gave a shrug in response, because he really wasn’t. At least, not out of a passion for it. He liked listening to music, he didn’t mind listening to other people play, but he himself had never been interested in learning. Well, until he learned about your love for guitarists.

“They’re just so….you know?”

“I don’t.”

You laughed, even though Suna had meant the words with all the sincerity in the world. And he never got a clear explanation, so now he’s taking it upon himself to figure out what makes a couple of chords so impressive.

He’s ready to bash his head into the guitar only a couple of days in. The metal strings on his acoustic were harsh on his fingers and always slipped from their position on the fretboard. He gets down the chord shapes decently quick, which motivate him to immediately move onto barring and suddenly he’s back to square one. Transitioning between each chord was also a pain, and don’t get him started on reading sheet music. Injuring his fingers during a game set his progress back a week.

He tries focusing on learning to play your favorite music; solos, riffs and the like. But each tutorial requires another tutorial, and it becomes a vicious pattern of Suna going down a rabbit hole trying to learn one thing after another.

He’s ready to give up on the whole thing and find some way to impress you with volleyball, but the plan to abandon his progress halts after your reaction to him casually bringing up how difficult it was to play.

“Wow, Rin, you play? I had no idea! That’s awesome! I’m sure you’re incredible!”

And suddenly Suna’s back to looking up various tutorials, practicing transitioning between different chords and properly starting out with the basics. He even borrows workbooks from the music rooms to practice outside of school. The patience required of him made his head spin, but it was no matter. He was an athlete with an oblivious crush- patience was his middle name.

He’s surprisingly dedicated, not staying too late after school for volleyball practice and instead opting to work out of his books in the afternoon. He’s gotten farther than he ever expected he would- he even picks up on the language naturally. He doesn’t even realize it until he’s ranting to you about some annoying technical details, not even in an attempt to make you fawn over him.

When he turns to look at you, he’s caught off guard by the impressed look on your face.

“Sounds frustrating. I’m sure you’ll get the hang of it soon.” You said slowly, tilting your head to the side.

Suna admits that despite having a lot to learn and a lot of practice to be doing in order to improve his musicality, he’s actually found this new hobby of his decently fun. He was slowly starting to understand the appeal you talked so much about, the satisfaction of being able to play a set of chords correctly reminiscent of hitting a good spike.

But ultimately, it’s your almost shy smile and tinted cheeks as you look up at him in admiration that, despite the insane amount of frustration, make Suna glad he decided to pick up guitar.

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mortalityplays · 1 year

Text

This is a very good illustration of the increasing susceptibility to conspiratorial thought patterns I've been seeing on the left lately. Just because you don't believe there are space marines on Mars doesn't mean you're immune to building imaginary connections between aesthetic or emotional data points and mistaking them for evidence. A lot of well meaning people in my circles have been sharing this story, buying uncritically into the first narrative they encountered. I want to break down why:

Jones' twitter thread was extremely emotional and extremely urgent. The idea of a child being ripped away from his frantic mother and a ticking clock to decide his fate both helped the story to bypass analytical scrutiny. It sends the message 'act now, before it's too late, it's the only compassionate thing to do'.

Her connection to an existing conspiracy (a concerted effort by the state to cover up Covid statistics) creates a strengthening association with the idea that this is also a conspiracy. The thread offers no positive evidence that her son's arrest was a conspiracy, and no positive evidence that his arrest has any connection to her prior experiences.

Jones' allegation that the arrest was retribution for her actions as a whistleblower implicitly identifies her in the reader's mind. A lot could be unpacked about her dispute with the DOH but it doesn't really matter because I don't think most people who circulated this story knew much about it either way. The point is that it anchors her identity in a few key concepts: 'whistleblower', 'covid scientist', 'concerned citizen'. None of these qualities are relevant to the events detailed in the thread (or evidenced in the thread, if we're being really rigorous), but they unconsciously prejudice the reader's assessment of whether to trust or side with her. Simply put, if you are concerned about how covid was handled and/or inclined to support whistleblowers, you are more likely to assume she's credible.

If you dislike and distrust cops, you are primed to accept a narrative in which they are doing something straightforwardly evil. Don't get me wrong, fuck 12, but I say that armed with an enormous preponderance of cases in which we have positive evidence of police acting out of self interest, cruelty, corruption, racism, misogyny, etc. Allowing ourselves to be seduced by the fantasy that they are always always without fail breaking rules and fashing it up in broad daylight only makes us easier to delude and manipulate.

She repeatedly made the point that her son is autistic. Again, if you are autistic or sympathetic to autistic people, you are more likely to be 'warmed up' by this detail and inclined to take her side. I'm not going to say it's irrelevant to the idea that he was being unfairly targeted, but it is overwhelmingly emotionally weighted. And again, it is not evidence that he was unfairly targeted. It's another weight on the scale that tips you to judge the truth value of her story without reality checking.

The example of a meme that she shared is characteristic of a type of online humour that is at least familiar to most of us. If you or your friends make edgy jokes and share tasteless irony memes, or if you've been online for more than like a week, you understand that they're mostly harmless. The idea that this meme could be used as evidence by law enforcement to detain you is ideologically threatening in an immediately relatable way. It evokes a reflex defensive impulse — that's not fair, the cops are wrong, the kid is innocent — bypassing the process of verification. Is this meme the reason he was arrested? Is it the only one he posted? Is it the only reason he was arrested?

All of these factors create a gut-led constellation of information that quickly forms a picture. Because it is being pieced together from multiple subconscious feelings and prejudices, it feels as if it has been evidenced. Because the thread was highly emotional and highly urgent, readers were pressured to jump to rapid conclusions and ask "what can I do to help?" (and the answer, as it almost always is, was 'donate money, quick').

I want to be really clear that I am not saying Jones manufactured any of these effects on purpose. It would be completely within reason that having a young child arrested would send anyone into an emotional tailspin, grasping for reasons this might have happened, leaping to his defense, rallying resources to fight on his behalf. I am not in any way ascribing malice to her actions.

What I'm interested in is the effect that this emotive kneejerk appeal had on people who were unknowingly predisposed to believe that the state of Florida would kidnap a child to punish a scientist for disagreeing with the department of health about covid statistics. That is a baseless conspiracy theory, and a huge number of people in my immediate circles reflexively amplified it.

Personally, I think arrest is a godawful way to respond to a child having a mental health crisis, even if they are seen to pose a violent threat. That still doesn't mean the cops did it at the bidding of a mad dictator in waiting. In the hypothetical parallel universe where it turns out Jones was right and this was all a conspiracy to punish her, it still would not have served the situation to jump to that conclusion on a gut feeling.

Pausing to identify relevant, verifiable facts before sharing a story like this is always warranted, even if you think the person telling it is 'on your side'. The more you worry that questioning the narrative wastes precious time or makes you a bad person, the more you should scrutinise why you are being made to feel that way. Accepting unfounded conspiracies into your worldview is not benign, even if you think the 'targets' deserve it. It erodes your critical perspective and turns you into a vector for the people around you.

tl;dr: you are not immune to baseless conspiratorial thought

#long post #might turn off reblogs on this one I can sense the anons already

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xxgoblin-dumplingxx · 8 months

Note

spare change for some teacher!jason? spare chaaaaaaaaaange? (i hope you are feeling better this week 🩷)

Jason glanced at his email and frowned. You weren't coming to class and wanted to give him a heads-up per his syllabus.

Fine. Perfectly normal.

Except for the jolt of anxiety that hit his chest. Were you okay? Was Lena sick? Had something happened? You never missed class. Never had late work. Never missed office hours when you said you would be there.

Your education was important to you and it showed. None of your work was "stock" there was time and effort. You'd grown and improved as a writer and he was damn proud of that fact.

He wanted to believe that that was all it was. Concert for a student.

But- he couldn't. He KNEW you. It was impossible to read anything you wrote and NOT know. You were real and raw and unapologetic about your life. The struggles and the pain. Everything you channeled into making a better life for your kid. Because more than anything, you wanted her to be able to look back and say her mother loved her enough to change. To give her a life with dignity and stability. Something you didn't get.

"Fuck," he groaned, pulling out his phone and hitting a number on the speed dial.

"Hey Jaybird what's-"

Second ring. Of course the golden boy would answer on the second ring. "Hey Dickhead, I need a favor."

"Hello to you too."

"Yeah yeah," he said, "Listen. Remember that waitress from a couple weeks ago?"

"Which- oh wait. The cutie that you were staring at all night?"

"I wasn't- you know what never mind. Listen. If I give you her address can you go check it out? Just make sure she and her kid are alright."

"Sure but you gotta do something for me."

"If you tell me to hug Bruce I swear I'll call Tim and have him-"

"Not that you fucking baby. Just come to dinner on Sunday. I pissed Bruce off last night and he's gonna wanna "talk" but he won't if you're there."

"Why would that-"

"Because you never show up and he'll be too thrilled to whine."

"Fine," Jason huffed. "Just-"

"Yeah yeah," Dick snorted. "Don't sweat it. I'll go check on your girl. And the kid."

#jason todd #jason todd x reader #ask answered #minors dni #reader insert #teacher!jason

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dearsnow · 10 months

Note

Can I ask for the spider-verse cast's love language? Who likes to give gifts (hand made or bought) ? Who loves physical touch?

THEIR LOVE LANGUAGES (SPIDERVERSE)

- headcanons for how the spiderverse characters express their love (spiderverse x gn!reader)

a/n - i love writing about the love languages :) which do you guys prefer? (i’m a physical touch girlie myself)

There is nothing HOBIE likes more than quality time. Bringing you to concerts, exploring the deepest parts of the city, and simply doing nothing with you is how he likes to show his love. To him, a relationship is more meaningful when you really, truly like spending time with your partner. As Spider-Man, he doesn’t have the most time in the world to spare, but he’ll do anything possible to make what little time he has meaningful.

MIGUEL would do anything for his cause, and therefore his love language is acts of service. He’ll do the chores, make you a meal, and water the plants before you even wake up. He will stop at nothing to make you comfortable. It’s both for himself and you, as he feels that he must be useful for you to reciprocate the emotions he feels so deeply. When you perform acts of service for him, he thinks his heart might break from how much love is coursing through it.

PAVITR absolutely loves buying you gifts. Anything you could ever think to want is in the palms of your hands soon after you mention it, with his dopey grin staring you in the face. Even when he doesn’t exactly have the most money to spare, he’ll make you gifts or save up to buy you something simple. He knows all of your favorites, likes, and dislikes, and gives you gifts according to them. When you give him gifts, he is so touched and fawns over whatever you got him for weeks.

MILES always makes an effort to encourage you with his words. Written or spoken, words of affirmation is his weapon in the war of love. He’ll text you his thoughts, send you letters filled with scrawled notes, and sneak in through your window just to tell you something just because his mind is bursting at the seams with words. If you reciprocate these words, he will melt the moment he hears them.

Even though it isn’t obvious, GWEN craves physical touch. She’s not one to express her innermost feelings without a ton of prompting, but she shows it through arm punches and ruffling your hair and holding your hand. She loves being close enough to touch you, as this kind of intimacy is the only kind she truly knows. When you reach out to brush the hair out of her face or tug on her arm, her heart starts beating a mile a minute.

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keen-li · 5 months

Text

Marmalade : PEEL

Series : ongoing

Chapter title : PEEL

Synopsis: in order to keep this secret you and jungkook have from your brother, your Brother's friend gives you a condition.

"I won't tell your brother aslong as we keep fucking"

its not like you don't want to. you get you keep the secret from your brother and also get to fuck jungkook

. can you say no?

fuck boy jk.

Brother's best friend jk

college student reader

Warnings: mentions of weed (not direct with ocs), suggestive, time skips, flashbacks, smutty, mentions of sex, pet names, usage of y/n, marmalade.

Word count: 8k

Your shoes hit the concert of the pathway rhythmically as you strut down campus. The music you're listening to aiding your confidence. Walking down this campus you need all the confidence you can get. You're not as fashionable as the girls around, so you need confidence to keep up. You don't feel the need to be fashionable anyways. Most girls do it for the guys, but It's just guys who spend their time in lame circles smoking weed and shit, don't even have a stable source of income. Nothing special to dress up for.

"But you should still try something new" the person you've been avoiding for three weeks now said to you.

You've been dodging jungkook like the plague recently. Hiding in your room for as long as you can when he's downstairs with your brother. Wearing a large hoodie to hide your face when you're in public, not like it does much jungkook probably knows that hoodie. Or even using another route when going home just incase he might spawn somewhere on the road. You even went as far as turning off your phone at night, knowing that's the time jungkook mostly texts you.

Ever since that night in the kitchen.

"I won't tell as long as we keep fucking"

He honestly has the audacity to blackmail you. You should've told him to fuck off, but you didn't. Instead you agreed.

Sigh.

It's not like you regret saying yes, its just the thought that jungkook might tell on you once he gets tired of you freaks you out. It's possible for him to grow tired and you know that, he's got so many options. You're nothing special to him, though it does feels like you mean something when he has his hands all over you. Whispering how much time he has before your brother's back. Usually 30 minutes. And he sure does make sure that time is used wisley, having you in all kinds of posi-

Beep.

You don't turn to look at the source of your distraction. But in your peripheral vision you see a car slow down next to you. You walk a little faster hoping it's not him. It is, his voice tells you that.

"You can't ignore me forever" his voice is muffled by the music that's playing through your ears, but you can tell that smooth cheeky voice through whatever sound.

You sigh and roll your eyes. You've been caught, no running now.

You muster up the courage to finally speak head still faced forward.

"What do you want jeon" you speak nonchalantly.

"Oooh, were using last names" he says feigning a scared tone. You scoff at him.

"Why don't you come to my place so we can hangout" he says one hand on the steering wheel and the other arm against the window frame elbow out the window. He's eyes don't leave your figure that doesn't seem interested him but he knows otherwise.

"No"

You can hear him sigh as his car slows down even more and so do your steps, unconsciously.

"I guess I'm going to have to text him" you stop in your tracks as jungkook threatens to pull out his phone.

"Or maybe I should just call" he looks at you as if asking which one he should chose. He's so annoying.

You finally turn to him and speak "Don't you dare" you warn.

"Get in then" he looks forward wanting you to get into his car. He must think he's in some 80s movie with the way he's sat in his car. You've been avoiding jungkook for a reason and you can't let your efforts be blown away, but damn he makes it so hard to say no.

"Put your seat belt on" he says as you slam his car door shut. You then give him a i-was-going-to glare.

Soon his car's on the main road as you both sit in silence. You try to distract your mind by staring at the moving objects but your mind still can't move from the man sat comfortably with his hand on the wheel. He looks like he wants to say something but's thinking it through.

"How was class?" He finally spits out, clearing the silence.

"It was okay" you say falling back into awkward silence. Why is it so awkward all of a sudden between the two of you. Is it the unspoken tension. Where is it even coming from you wonder. For you maybe it's the unanswered question of why jungkook would still want to fuck you. And for jungkook maybe its the fact that you've been ignoring him. He couldn't help himself bit wonder if he crossed the line with his demand from that night. Did he make you uncomfortable? Did he fuck it up? He couldn't help but wonder these things, he should've just asked you. But again how would've that made him look.

"Did you miss me?" He turns to look at you shortly catching you rolling your eyes making him grin.

"Why would I do that?" You spit

"Remember that call" you cringe at the thought. You accidentally butt dialed jungkook and when he called you back you clarified. You and jungkook only call each other when you wanna meet up, so when you butt dialed him you were afraid he might get the wrong message. But after his few teasing comments he let it go. Not completely though.

"It was an accident I told you" you whine complaining.

"On purpose? an accident?" He takes a turn "there's a very thin line"

You scoff. Maybe he is right. You kinda wish he fought a little harder on that call.

" 'Kay" is what is he told you when you said it was really a mistake. You were playing hard to get, couldn't he tell? Even if you were ignoring him you still missed him. Just the physicals though.

You're leaning against jungkook's kitchen counter as he re-enters his kitchen, after getting a change of clothes. You wish you could also have a change of clothes, these just smell of your lecture and you really don't want to be reminded of that.

"You should stop leaving your shit here" he says handing you something. when he walked in you didn't notice the little lip balm he was holding. He stretches his had out so you can get it but you just stare at it analysing the brand and the flavour. He nudges his hand so you can get it but you shake your head and he twists his face confused. Your facial expression is kinda fallen showing the disturbance.

"That isn't mine" you speak feeling a nudge at your chest. "I don't use that brand or that flavour"

Jungkook sighs realising what he's done. But his next statement doesn't show any concern for a disturbed you.

"I guess yuji left it here" he shrugs turning around and placing the cylindrical tube, that's now your enemy, on the counter next to you. You just wanna pick it up and throw it against his head. Why are you even mad? You know what you and jungkook are, you shouldn't feel this way. Maybe it's the way jungkook doesn't care and goes back to talking like there isn't tension in your chest.

And cause you don't want to make a fuss about things and make shit awkward you decide to follow suit and just talk like you don't have a lump in your throat. Iys not like its his job to care or know what you're feeling.

"Want something to drink?" He asks back facing you as he stares into the fridge. Why did he even bother putting on a shirt, that see through shirt isn't hiding shit. And your eyes can't help but wonder. Wonder across from shoulder to shoulder. Wonder around the muscles that flex cause he's now bending slightly to see what's at the bottom of the fridge. Wonder down his spine to his tail bone where his Calvin klein band peeks out. Wonder, wonder, wonder and too much wondering.

Jungkook turns to look at you for the answer and when he catches you drooling he chuckles.

"Got a thing for backs?" He asks sarcastically. He's body is now turned to you and he places the canned drink next to you, since you haven't answered him he'll just give you what he wants. You clear your throat and straighten yourself awkwardly, eyes wondering away from him now.

"I wasn't looking at you" you lie trying to save your already gone self respect.

"Yea right? And I'm still a virgin" you chuckle at his childishness. Can he blame you, he's got a great back. And you haven't seen it in a while. Those long hours at the gym finally showing through.

You both stand against the counters sipping your drinks from time to time. Jungkook stands by the counter opposite from you so you have a direct sight of his body.

"You should stop giving me rides" you say and jungkook's eyes meet your face confused. What's wrong he wants to ask but it sounds too intimate, so he let's his eyes ask the question.

"Don't you think someone will think there's something going on?" You say voice a little timid. Your eyes fling to jungkook when you hear him release a chuckle.

"Everyone one knows I'm your Brother's friend, so giving you a ride shouldn't be that big of an issue" he shrugs off your concerns.

"I get that but people still talk" jungkook nods acknowledging.

"But do you know your Brother's the one who asks me to give you rides" he starts.

"The ones with my car atleast" he say with that cheeky grin of his. You get what he's saying and you throw him a stop it glare. Which he does as he adjusts himself against the counter and takes a sip of the liquid.

You calm from your chuckles "I didn't know he asked you to do that"

Jungkook doesn't say anything as you continue to speak.

"But still I don't think we should be seeing each other whilst in public " Your body goes back to being freaking anxious. The way you say it makes jungkook laugh, and there he goes again diminishing your serious concerns.

"Y/n you're acting like I have my hands on you when we're outside" he's right. Why are you making it so dramatic, its not that big of a deal but you still don't want any stories going around. The last thing you want is rumours and giving your brother ideas which aren't true, well they are but your don't want him to take it into consideration.

"I know but still..." your eyes fall as you stare at your feet against jungkook's floor. Pretty floor.

Jungkook understands your concern, rumours spread like wild fire on your campus. If you didn't have the 'jungkook is my Brother's friend' card to protect you, you're sure the both of you would be under heat right now. Mainly you cause everyone would want to know who jungkook might be fucking. In these situations no one really cares about the guy they just wanna find the girl and see if her looks match up.

Yours don't , that's what you think. During this time that you've been hiding from jungkook, you've been thinking about the fact that jungkook is outta your league. Your not unattractive in anyway, and you know that especially when jungkook's expressing to you how attractive you are, though you think it's the sex talking. You aren't unattractive, it's just that you aren't someone who stereotypically people would think jungkook is sleeping with. You've never brought these concerns to jungkook cause he honestly doesn't need to know. Would he even care.

Though he has told you countless times that you are very beautiful, in many ways. By the way he looks at you, the ways he touches you and the way he kisses you. Its just something that you need to work on by yourself and you aren't gonna drag jungkook into it.

Jungkook watches how your fingers tap against the counter and he knows you're anxious. So to comfort you he walks to you and puts his hand over your hand , stopping it from racing. Your eyes move to the man standing over you and when your eyes meet he can see that you're overthinking. His hand is warm over yours, you don't bother to turn to look at it knowing it's safe under his hold. It's calms you how Jungkook knows how to help you when you're overthinking, even though he doesn't know what you're overthinking about all he cares is that you realise you don't need to especially if it's about him.

"That's okay... if that's what you want " he reassures. You nod.

Jungkook doesn't know why he comforts you or feels the need to, maybe it's the fact that he's your Brother's friend so he feels that kind of need to protect you from whatever. Otherwise he doesn't know why he does it.

He watches how your lips pout, they're slightly tinted red, he knowsit's probably your lipstick, and he's always wanted to tell you how good you look with it on. And that whatever flavour you use tastes so good. He just wants to taste it once more and remove that pout and sad look from your lips. And so he does.

But before your lips meet he's interrupted by the buzzing of his phone against the counter. He doesn't give any facial expression you can read, not even a hum or a sigh. He picks up the phone quickly wanting the call to end so he can kiss you. He should've just turned off his phone.

He looks at the caller Id and sighs internally.

It's yuji.

Jungkook gives you one last look. "I'll be back" he says as you nod and he walks out. You're left wondering if its your brother who's called him, and your heart is beating quickly. What if someone told him you got into jungkook's car? And he's calling jungkook to know where you are cause you're not home. Many theories run through your mind and you're gonna be fucked if any of them involve your brother.

You're theories are proven wrong when you hear Jungkook say,

"Yuji I told you I can't come today"

Yuji? You've heard that name on campus before. But for what. You think for a while then it clicks.

It's the girl that's always on jungkook, you've heard many rumours about them, which you've never told Jungkook about before cause its not necessary. He's probably heard all of them before and if he has he's never talked about them with you, that's not what your relationship is about. Its kinda stupid to call it a relationship but you need a word for it and that's the only one that comes to mind.

You've heard some crazy rumours about jungkook and yuji. Some are that jungkook is obsessed with her and won't let her get into a relationship and that he beat up a guy she was chilling with, which sounds like bullshit and unlikely. You don't know jungkook enough to know if he's the jealous kind, you haven't gotten a chance to touch those waters yet. And if he is you aren't sure if you wanna touch those waters. You've thought about jealous jungkook whilst in bed before, helps you get off, but you don't think you'll ever get to know if he is. Cause your relationship isn't anything serious.

Another rumour is that yuji is the one obsessed with jungkook, this one's more likely. Cause she can't bare seeing him talk to another girl or even mention another girl's name. You heard through the grapevine that she got a girl expelled for even threatening to fuck jungkook. Does she even have the power to do that? Well her family is well off, like very much. So maybe it is possible, childish but possible. It's funny how you learn everything through the grapevine.

Another rumour you heard, this one is the most shocking. You heard that jungkook got yuji pregnant and she had to abort it. Why does this girl bother jungkook so much, it bothers you so much. You just wish you could tell her to leave him alone, but you aren't in any position to do so.

Anyway, you didn't want to believe the rumour but it was so hard when during that week jungkook was acting off. He never hangout with your brother or even responded to any one of your calls. You didn't want to bug so you left it. But the question ate at you every time, especially when you were worried about jungkook. And shortly during that week jungkook had went out of town and when he returned he told your brother that he went to his parent's place. Seems like it was a good move cause he came back to his normal self, laughing and joking with you.

"Missed me?" He said the first time you talked to him after all that happened.

You really wanted to ask him what the actual fuck happened. Were the rumours true? Why was he acting so off and reserved? But its not like its any of your business. So you didn't, you just let the questions eat at you. You're just here for the fucks and gags.

After that one you stopped listening to the rumours, not any other one. Whether about jungkook, students or the ghosts on campus at night. You don't listen to any of them. Cause after the jungkook ones you were kinda disturbed, out of it if you can say. You don't even know why, you just didn't like how people go around talking about others lives. Especially if it's someone you know.

Jungkook's call seems to be taking long and you're getting bored and tired. So you decide to look around his kitchen, throwing your now empty can into the bin on your way around. It's not like you've never been in his house, you have but when you have you've been too carried away by his lips and touches that you didn't even bother looking around. And even after you're done you're too carried with getting out of his house and rushing home. You've never spent a night in jungkook's House.

"You should get home before your brother gets suspicious" he says shirtless laying on the bed chest still sweaty from your deeds. He watches as you get dressed. You know that'd he'd ask you to go home, so you never even bother to stay longer.

"Let me call you a cab" he says reaching for his phone and the sheets covering his manhood move slightly.

"it's okay I've already called one" you knew that this would happen so you called a cab already. Always be prepared. He doesn't walk you out to your cab, just says he's goodbyes and tells you to greet your brother for him, which is a cheeky joke he likes to make.

Whilst in the cab you wonder why it bothers you that jungkook isn't so affectionate afterwards. You kinda wished he'd atleast walk you out to the cab, you understand why he doesn't drive you home. But he could atleast walk you out to the door or even give you a little goodbye kis- you don't even know why you think of these things, it's the silence that encourages your thoughts.

Shit.

You grunt and curse at the pain in your toe, you just hit your toe on the cupboard. It hurts so bad and you hope jungkook didn't hear the sound or even your now wearing out grunts and curses. After you're done looking after your toe you decide to open cupboard right above your head. It's labelled 'MARMALADE' so that catches your attention even more cause its the only labelled cupboard.

Your hand grabs the handle gently and you open the cupboard. Once you do your eyes are met with the numerous glass bottles filled with an orange jam like substance. Must be marmalade like the label said, but why does he have marmalade and why so many bottles.

You grab one carefully making sure not to let it slip and fall, the last thing you want Is to break something in jungkook's house when you don't even know how he'd react.

You play around with the glass jar admiring the orange colour and sweet citrus smell, you don't like fhe citrus smell but it does smell good. You're lost in the brightness of it that you don't hear jungkook enter.

"Sorry that took long" you're snapped out of it when you hear his voice.

"Just got a call from..."

"Was it my brother?" You ask

"No"

"Then you don't have to tell me anything" you don't even know what he was going to say but you don't need to know. He hums and mumbles a 'you're right'

He places his phone back on the counter.

"I see you've found my marmalade" he says nodding towards the bottle. You didn't even realise you still had it in your hands. You chuckle.

"Oh yeah found a bunch of them"

"Hope you don't mind " you look at him for assurance. And he shakes his head no.

"Looks like you like marmalade" you say placing the bottle down.

"Mhm"

"Why?" You ask. It might be digging too much in his personal life but you're just curious. It doesn't matter if he answers or not....

"It just tastes good" safe answer he thinks.

You look back at the bottle picking it up and analysing it once more. You didn't notice before but now you realise that it's brandless.

"What brand is it?"

"I make it myself " he walks towards you and stretches his hand so that you give the bottle to him.

"Explains why you have so many of them"

"Wanna taste?" He lifts his brow to you but you shake your head.

"I don't really like marmalade" you confess and jungkook lifts he's hand over your head to open the cupboard. He places the jar back in its place and with his hands over your head he looks down at you and you up at him. And says in a whisper...

"Well you're looking at it like you wanna have a taste" he stares at you longingly trapping you between him and the cupboard. You feel small under his longing gaze. You love how even just by the way he stares at you you can feel the heat travel your body. Before he moves away he licks his lips that you've been staring at hoping he'd kiss you and like he can tell he chuckles.

"So you wanna try it or no?" He stares at you the fridge door open and an opened marmalade jar in his hands. He waits for your response.

It's not like you're allergic to it, why would hurt just to try it. Plus jungkook looks like he really wants you to try it.

"Sure" you agree, "couldn't hurt"

He closes the fridge and grabs a tiny spoon. He's now standing in front of you spoon digging into the jar, and when you see him scoop a large amount you hum in disagreement.

"What?" He looks at you

"That's too much" he looks at the spoon.

"It's not too much" it is too much.

"It is jungkook"

"Come on, you can take it." He moves closer to you moving the spoon to your lips. You move your head.

"It's too much"

"Come on baby you've taken much more" you scoff.

"That wasn't jam jungkook " he chuckles knowing it's true. "That's going to be too sweet" you nod towards the spoon.

"Plus I told you I don't like it"

He sighs. "Come on take it for me. You won't eat everything"

You look at him with a raised brow.

"Please"

It's not that big of a deal so you nod and open your mouth slightly, jungkook smiles and brings the spoon to your mouth. The sweet jam meets your lips and some goes onto your tongue. You can immediately taste the sweetness and citrus flavour.

Jungkook tilts the spoon wanting you to take everything. He's such a liar. When you realise what he's doing you start to hum for him to stop, but he doesn't, it amuses him actually. You turn your head away and in your struggle you cause some marmalade to fall off the spoon and into your open chest. You whine jungkook's name as you look at the drop of jam on your chest.

"Look at what you've done y/n" he says in a lecturing tone. Your eyes widen as you see him bend to your chest , his hands on both sides of you holding the counter.

"W-what are you doing?" You know what he's doing, and it makes your chest rise up and down at a quick rate. And now that he's by your chest you're sure he can see it.

"I'm cleaning your mess" he says and the way his eyes watch yours from under you makes you push your body close to him. He sinks in lower his breath now on your chest. His sleek tongue meets your skin licking the jam right off you, you lean your head back giving jungkook more room to roam.

"Sweet" he mumbles against your skin as he moves up to place a wet kiss on your neck.

"So how does it taste" he asks moving back to watch your flushed face. You even forgot about the taste of the marmalade, only remembering how jungkook felt against your skin.

"Uhh" you search your brain to see if it remembers what the marmalade tastes like. And after a hard fight to get through the thoughts of jungkook you remember.

"Not bad. Seeing that you made it yourself" he watches your face as you speak, finding joy in the way you say things.

"But i still don't like it " jungkook moves away from you, and you can physically feel the feeling of his loss of presence from you. You watch him as he takes back the jar.

"You will one day"

You roll your eyes at that. Nothing can make you like marmalade.

You and jungkook talk about somethings, nothing to deep. Just some Harry Potter stuff. You go back and forth arguing about some situations in the movies and you laugh at the opinions he has and he scoffs at some of yours. You never knew jungkook liked Harry Potter nor did he know you liked it too.

"I could've had voldemort on his knees in he first movie" you roll your eyes

"Oh please. You wouldn't survive."

"Have you even these?" He proceeds to flex his biceps for you and you burst out laughing showing him your pretty smile. Has he ever told you,you have a pretty smile. He joins you in your fit of laughter.

As you calm down from your laughter and have nothing else to laugh about or say, your mind begins to wonder why jungkook brought you here. You know why he brought you here but you don't know why he's taking so long with it, you thought licking marmalade off your bare chest was a perfect opening but he didn't use it. Most of the time it doesn't take long before both of you are at eachother. But today he's taken so much time that you've even gotten the time to talk about your personal hobbies, likes and dislikes. Which you haven't done before.

But you have enjoyed just talking with jungkook. Getting to know somethings you didn't before like he can make and likes marmalade or that he also likes Harry Potter. Its nice to just talk like this. But you want to know why he brought you here still. Does he just wanna chat?

"Anywany why did you bring me over " a little straight forward but you want to know. You don't wanna put your mind or any other vital organ in the wrong places.

"To hang out of course" he doesn't convince you and you keep a raised brow at him while he smiles suspiciously at you.

Hangout you did do. If you're talking about lips then yes you guys did hangout. You knew he didn't bring you here for fun and you're kinda happy that he got on with it immediately after you asked why he brought you to his home. You missed his touch, soft sweet touches like his marmalade.

And afterwards you left just like every other night. But tonight your thoughts are filled with wondering what other things jungkook might like.

You were chilling in the living room when jungkook came over to visit your brother. He tried to kick you out of the living but you refused.

"You found me here" you say. Your brother, kept bickering with you but you stood your ground. You notice jungkook chuckle at your bickering.

"It's fine maybe she's watching a good movie " jungkook says pointing to the movie you're watching and stopping your pointless arguing. Your brother sighs giving in, why didn't he just do that instead of arguing with you.

"Brought these" he hands you a bag and your brother a bag.

"What's this?" Your brother asks.

"Just some snacks"

"Thanks bro"

You can hear them talk in the background as you open the bag jungkook gave to you. Immediately you open it the citrus smell hits your senses and you scoff. You reach into the bag and pull out a sandwich in a clear zip lock bag. You analyse the substance in-between the bread.

Scoff.

You roll your eyes at jk and find him looking at you, winking when your eyes meet. You roll your eyes and scoff placing the bag onto your side. He really thinks you're gonna eat it, or make you like it. Instead you take the drink that was in the bag and take a sip of that instead.

You don't pay much attention to your brother and jungkook's conversation, your eyes focused on the screen. But your casually steal glances of jungkook hoping he doesn't notice.

Your attention is caught when you hear your brother mention a girls name. Seems like he's talking about a girl he has his eyes on. They keep talking about it for some time until you hear your brother say.

"What's the name of the girl you're fucking?"

The air in your lungs is swept out when your brother asks that question. Is he talking about you? If he was he wouldn't look this chilled about it. But you still feel kinda anxious cause what if jungkook says your name. So you look at him but he's eyes aren't on you but you feel like that grin on his face is directed to you.

"Yuji" your brother exclaims remembering the name. Jungkook turns to look at you with that smirk and watches how your face relaxes. He chuckles at that and turns back to your brother.

"Yeah that's her name"

"How is she"

"She's okay I guess. It's not like we're dating for me to care" jungkook leans back onto the couch.

"You and your fuckboy ways"

"Don't say it like that" jungkook chuckles "I'm not a fuck boy. I just don't commit"

Your brother gives a whatever-you-say hum. You start to feel a little awkward and weird in the room. You know jungkook doesn't commit but being reminded of it causes a pinch in your chest. You know better than to think anything more of what you and jungkook do. But it still kind of affects you.

"You can keep your badboy persona as long as you leave my sister out of it" you roll your eyes, why does he treat you like a child. It's so irritating.

"Don't worry..." jungkook turns to look at you, gaze filled with nothing but mischief.

"I'd never fuck or date your sister"

"You're bad for not eating my sandwich."

Jungkook speaks through your speaker. His voice low and you know he's laid back on his bed shirtless while a movie plays in the background. You know cause onetime on a video call he was in that same position, very distracting position.

"But you knew I wouldn't eat it" you say playing with the strings of your pajama shorts.

"Yes but I had hope you never hated me enough to not eat it"

You can hear him shuffle against his sheets. You chuckle

"You put your hope in the wrong places jeon"

As simple as your words are and unbeknownst to you, those words find a way to jungkook's heart.

You were right he did put his hope in the wrong places, he did it so many times and foolishly that he swore to himself he'd ever place his hope anywhere again.

"Gone silent?" he didn't even realise that until you spoke.

"Fuck no.."

"You just talk a lot. Was hoping you'd shut up"

You laugh cause you know he's just joking with you.

"I'll never shut up"

"If I was there you would " you can hear his cheeky and playful tone. If he was here you'd definitely shut up, even from across the phone jungkook's words always seem to find you and cause a swarm of butterflies to swarm in your stomach.

"Fuck off: you manage to say trying to hide the excitement caused by his words.

"Wanna come over" and the butterflies are buzzing at this point. You wanna say yes but you remember his statement earlier and you take this time to tease him.

"After you told my brother you'd never fuck his sister "

Jungkook's low and deep chuckle follows after and you feel the ripples it causes in you.

"What can I say...I'm a good liar"

"How do you think I'm able to keep our little secret?"

You roll your eyes at his cheeky and proud tone. He's so full of himself.

"I'll be there soon" you hear Jungkook hum before you cut the call and prepare an excuse like; I'm going to one of my friend's house. You don't even need to tell your brother where you're going but you do it just so he knows you're okay.

"I'd never fuck or date your sister"

Thay phrase has been playing on your mind quite often lately, you don't even understand why. Would jungkook really never date, did he say that seriously or was he saying that just for your brother. You know jungkook doesn't date but if he did, Would he date you? That's all you wanna know it's not like you care but you just want to know if you're date-able in jungkook's eyes. That's all you wanna know. That all.

"So you won't eat my marmalade sandwich but you'll eat that " you hear a voice speak and you don't even have to turn to know who it's for. Instead you turn your eyes to what you assume the voice is talking about. A chocolate donut.

"Just tastes professionally made" you say finally turning to the man standing by the table. He's in black sweats and a black hoodie. He always looks so good in that hoodie.

"These hands are professional babe... and you should know that"

You scoff at that and wonder what he's doing here. Since when does jungkook come to the café on a weekday.

"Maybe my marmalade isn't good?" he pouts. You know he's sad look is just a facade, jungkook never gets emotional around you and you're not sure how you'd handle it cause jungkook always seems like an emotionally well put together person and you admire that. He doesn't let things get to him or atleast he doesn't show it.

"Your marmalade isn't bad. I told you I just don't like marmalade" you take a sip of your coffee as jungkook watches you intently. His mind slips into a thought and he smirks at it before speaking.

"Why don't I show you how to make it and maybe you'd like it after" he straightens his figure making him appear even taller than he did before. Why is he so head in about making you like marmalade.

"At my place tonight" he says winking at you causing to smile.you wonder if he genuinely wants to teach you or its just an excuse to do your little shenanigans. You're still thinking about what he's just said and before you respond you're interrupted by a soft feminine voice calling out jungkook's name. He turns his to eyes the girl who latches herself onto jungkook's arm.

She smiles up at him and he smiles back at her.

"Okay maybe not tonight...but I'll text you when"

The smile you had on your face had been wiped off at this point. You didn't notice but you were glaring at the girl, if looks could kill she'd be dead. You're not sure what emotion is triggered in you but you know its not anything friendly. You were excited about the idea of going to jungkook's tonight and you were gonna tell him yes, after playing hard to get a bit. But this long haired mini skirt wearing chick has ruined it. Looking at her description, she must be yuri. Doesn't make anything better.

You hadn't responded to jungkook and the nudge on your shoulder reminds you to do so. You nod not saying anything, afraid that if you opened your mouth you'd spew profanities at her, so instead you just nod finally moving your burning gaze off of her. She hasn't noticed your look cause her eyes are either glued to her phone or to jungkook. She can't even bother to introduce herself. BRAT .

"OKAY see ya marmalade girl " he says walking away with the girl arm in arm with the food they just ordered.

You scoff. And after you do that you catch yourself. Why does it bother you so much, you don't care you shouldn't care. It just makes you a little mad, just a little. But you shouldn't feel this way, it doesn't matter whatever you feel, jungkook is never gonna change his ways and you should get used to that if you're gonna keep fucking jungkook.

Sigh.

You wish you hadn't said yes. Maybe it would've been better if your brother found out than you having to feel these unknown and unspoken emotions. Which are one-sided.

You've been unconsciously and unwilling waiting for the text jungkook promised to send you. Well he didn't promise but it did feel like one. He doesn't even need to call you over, it's okay if he's changed his mind. That's what you've been telling yourself.

Your heart has been on the edge this week, especially when you hear that little notification sound. But after two weeks, felt like forever, he finally seemed to remember his promise and texted you.

"Wash your hands" he says to you. "I don't know what you've been touching" you roll your eyes at him and glare at him. You should be the one telling him that. Seeing that you've been hearing about him and yuri together. You don't even mean to indulge yourself in rumours but you can't help it when you hear jungkook's name especially if it's side by side with a girl's name. Cause you might never know one day that girl's name might be yours and that's a day you dread. Even the thought causes your heart to physically ache.

Jungkook hands you an apron and you admire the little orange whirly pattern on it. Its so cute. Kinda reminds you of what a grandma would have in their kitchen. You'd never pin jungkook as the type of person who would care about having to wear an apron whilst in the kitchen, but by the look of things he looks like he takes it very seriously.

"Careful we don't want a bloody marmalade" he says noticing the way your hand slipped when cutting the orange. You really hoped he didn't notice but he did. You aren't usually the nervous kind in the kitchen in most situations you're usually what jungkook is right now in the kitchen, the teacher. But you do feel nervous under jungkook's gaze currently, that's what's making you so clumsy. He watches you so closely and you feel kinda suffocated by his presence even though he isn't standing so close to you. He doesn't need to be close to you to make you feel small and vulnerable under him.

"Why do you even like MARMALADE so much" its more of a rhetorical question to tease him for his interest in Marmalade so much.

"I don't know" he starts.

"It's just got a taste I can't find anywhere else" he whispers into your ear, you didn't even notice that he moved his lips to your ear, the waves of his sudden tone sending electric waves to your core. The way he says it so calm and sure almost like he's speaking to you but you know he's just talking about Marmalade.

You muster up the courage to only hum not knowing what might leave your mouth if you opened it. Maybe a plea for jungkook to just bend you over right here over his counter.

"Now that that you're done we can start" you didn't even realise you had finished, you're pretty sure jungkook watched you peel air for some time before deciding that he was amused enough by your lost look. He can tell what you're thinking, he knows when you get like that. And he loved watching your mind get lost in thoughts cause of him. He loved how your pupils would distance and you'd bite your lower lip thinking about him, he knew you were thinking about him. But he'd never dare tell you he knows cause he's afraid you'd might get shy and stop doing it, he knows you get shy sometimes and he likes it especially when it's him you get really shy for.

But he thinks you're so cute when you get shy cause of him.

Has he ever told you that?

It wasn't long after jungkook set the jam to boil that he had you bent over the counter pounding into you mercilessly. He couldn't hold in the burning feeling inside his lower belly anymore, with the way that shirt is hugging your breasts and the way he's been wondering if you're wearing his favourite panties inside those sweats of yours. You were. He loves these panties he kinda felt sad at the thought of removing them. So he didn't. He rubbed your heat and fucked you with your panties on.

You never knew how much of a turn on it was until now. Being bent over with your panties still on your face against his cold marble counter as he fucks into you.

A taste I can't find anywhere else.

He keeps thinking about that as you clench around him soon milking him for all he's got. Your little whimpers and whines guiding his movements. He smirks as pride rushes through his veins at your occasional call of his name.

"Since when do you like MARMALADE?" Your brother asks you watching as you place the little jar into the fridge.

"I don't like it, jk just gave me some of what w-he made... I'm not even going to eat it" you close the fridge, turning to face your brother who shrinks his eyes at you.

"Did you know jungkook makes marmalade?" You say chuckling remembering your reaction to when you first found out.

"I did " he says not sounding as enthusiastic or excited like you, then you realise you probably shouldn't be so excited about anything to do with jungkook in front of your brother.

"I'd never say this to his face but even though I don't like it, I think it tastes quite good." You shrug in your own thoughts.

He watches you like a detective trying to decipher your facial expression. He doesn't think much of it only wondering why you're getting marmalade from jungkook or how you even got to find out that he makes marmalade.

"Are you hanging out with jk now?" The question comes out sharp and brutal and it snaps you out of your thoughts, you turn to your brother who has his hands folded in suspicion.

"He just gave me some marmalade. What's the big deal?" You shrug it off hoping he doesn't pry. Did you fuck this up for you and jungkook.

"Don't get too close to him. He might be my friend but he will fuck you over if you get too comfortable" you know he's saying this cause he just cares about you and is trying to protect you. But he doesn't need to protect you from jungkook, you don't think jungkook would fuck you over like that. He might not be the most affectionate or open but you doubt he'd ever fuck you over. He's not like the other fuck boys you know, he's not even a fuck boy in your opinion.

But you do understand where your brother is coming from.

"I'm not even talking to him in that way. I don't even talk to him" your face grows sadder cause your brother is right, you can't put all your trust into jungkook, like you did the others, he might end up fucking you over too.

"That's how it starts. Plus he's my friend not yours" he says coldly as he walks out, his words prick at your heart and you're reminded of your place.

You never actually thought you and jungkook would come this far with your fucking around, you thought it'd be a one time thing but it ended up not being that.

Do you regret it? No.

You just hate how the after effects feel, the realisation and the effort you have to put in to hide it from your brother. It's been such a burden on you lately on your heart causing you to feel things you can't explain. You just wish jungkook wasn't your Brother's friend. In another universe maybe.

That night while having your nightly thoughts you got a text from jungkook.

[Jk] have you tried it yet?

You were glad that he was the one to text you in that moment especially with the way you're feeling, it's like he knows. But that's what you think he probably doesn't know and is texting you oblivious to your racing mind that always seemed to be calmed down by his presence even though he was the reason why your mind has been going crazy nowadays.

[You] Not yet.

you text back as soon as you can.

[Jk] why not?

[Jk] are you waiting to try it together?😏

And there goes the blush on your cheeks and the butterflies in your stomach.

[You] That doesn't sound like a bad idea.

you hope you sound confident through this text cause you aren't feeling quite like it while sending it.

[Jk] should we the next time we hang out?

Hang out? He honestly shouldn't even call it a hangout cause you do anything but hangout. Maybe he should call it a pending fuck session.

[You] sure that will be great.

you hope you don't sound desperate.

[You] and can you send me a written recipe

you've wanted him to send you one for some time you don't even know why cause you aren't even interested in Marmalade.

[Jk] is marmalade girl interested in making marmalade🤨

You can hear his mocking tone from behind that text and you scoff sending him the rolling eyes emoji.

[You] No

[You] Just wanna know how to just in case

[Jk] just in case what?

You feel the conversation turn a little emotional.

[You] just in case I wanna practice making it and you aren't around.

That's bullshit and you know it, you never plan on making marmalade you just said that cause you don't have an excuse for that message you sent. Its like marmalade is the only way you'll ever get to know more about jungkook and so you're gonna use it. You should honestly take heed of the warnings your brother gave you.

Don't get too comfortable.

Honestly you shouldn't why the fuck do you even want to know more about jungkook. You should honestly just stick to fucking and calling it a night its always been better that way. You're not sure what other problems might arise from trying to get to know jungkook.

[Jk] I'm always gonna be around y/n

You'd honestly forgotten you were even talking about marmalade so when he said they it made a pull at a usual spot in your heart. A spot you left untouched and bruised.

[You] too sweet, you'll make it spoil

(Its a jam joke) you try and set the scene back to a comfortable and unserious one.

You know jungkook gets the joke when he sends you the laughing emoji

[Jk] I'll send you the recipe

[Attachment sent]

Open

Firstly peel your freshly washed oranges...

Taglist: @skzthinker @kissyfacekoo @ohsweetmimosa @httpjeonlicious

#fanfic #jungkook #jeon jungguk #jungkook x reader #jungkook x y/n #bts #jeon jungkook #jungkook au #bts jungkook #jungkook imagine #jeongguk #jeon jeongguk #jeon jeongkook #kpop fanfic

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