#mentally I am Fucked . Spiritually I am not looking and that is Bad of me but I don’t know how to fix any of the bad That is wrong with me

[kerubimcrepin]

Episode 43 - The Dream Mixer

Instead of opening windows, these guys open the front door.

Man, I sure hope this leads to nothing bad happening during the Wakfu OVA.

Joris has multiple of the same card. Probably not worth reading into, and just a way to not have to do too much work for some intern. I wonder what he was playing, though...

I do want to read into this, though, this doesn't really look like a playing card we've seen before in the series, — instead, looking more like tarot, especially with the way, in the second screenshot, it seems to have some writings on the top and the bottom, — its number and its name?

I want to preface this next section by saying it is very likely not the intention, for this to be Deep, or anything. It's just some cards that look the same. Unlike most times when I am reading into things with at least a bit of a solid proof that things are meant to be read into, here I am reading into things just for the fun of it:

This personally looks to me the most like The Tower tarot, and basically, here's what the internet has to say on the matter:

When The Tower card appears in a Tarot reading, expect the unexpected – massive change, upheaval, destruction and chaos. It may be a divorce, death of a loved one, financial failure, health problems, natural disaster, job loss or any event that shakes you to your core, affecting you spiritually, mentally and physically. There’s no escaping it. Change is here to tear things up, create chaos and destroy everything in its path (but trust me, it’s for your Highest Good). Just when you think you’re safe and comfortable, a Tower moment hits and throws you for a loop. A lightning bolt of clarity and insight cuts through the lies and illusions you have been telling yourself, and now the truth comes to light. Your world may come crashing down before you, in ways you could never have imagined as you realize that you have been building your life on unstable foundations – false assumptions, mistruths, illusions, blatant lies, and so on. Everything you thought to be true has turned on its head. You are now questioning what is real and what is not; what you can rely upon and what you cannot trust. This can be very confusing and disorienting, especially when your core belief systems are challenged. But over time, you will come to see that your original beliefs were built on a false understanding, and your new belief systems are more representative of reality. [...] After a Tower experience, you will grow stronger, wiser and more resilient as you develop a new perspective on life you did not even know existed. These moments are necessary for your spiritual growth and enlightenment, and truth and honesty will bring about a positive change, even if you experience pain and anxiety throughout the process.

Jesus fucking Christ. even while I'm spitballing, the things I am saying still make some amount of sense. Anyway, even though it is an accidental visual, I sure hope Joris being surrounded by The Tower looking ass cards isn't like, an omen of doom to come in like two years.

Haha.

This line is pretty interesting when you remember that one of Kerubim's whole insecurities was being too poor for her, but what follows is more interesting: in his dream, there is always an audience, made up of other Ecaflips.

Watching from the same fourth wall we do.

We had already discussed on this blog that Kerubim has always viewed his life as a performance to some invisible audience, due to his extremely low self-esteem: a performance of being a hero, a masculine man, a successful rich person, and more, — but now we can really confirm this, and see it for ourselves, instead of just making assumptions based on his behaviour.

I do wonder if the audience being ecaflips is just asset reusage, — or if it is him feeling especially judged by his own race?

Perhaps it is the need to live up to its standards. Or maybe, it is a memory of his isolation in the childhood, and the way everyone always watched him and laughed at his class clown antics, and how despite that, he didn't have any friends.

This episode is the other reason, — besides his reactions whenever she kisses his cheek, — why I think Kerubim has a bit of a crush on Simone. (One that he'll never act on or acknowledge, obviously. He's not Like That anymore.)

But he used to be like that. Just unabashedly and openly cheating on Lou.

This imaginary audience laughs at his jokes, laughs at his accidents, and laughs even at his most awful flirting.

Yes, he really was always playing an exaggerated version of himself, and imagining the world laughing at him, as if he were in a sitcom. That's... actually very sad.

Not even cheering him on? Just laughing?

Considering what I had already previously said about Joris, and just how anxious he is portrayed as being, — especially of something happening to Kerubim, — it's interesting that his whole dream is an endless race to prevent some catastrophe that is never explained, but one he is convinced will happen.

Yes, it is just a fun dream that's him being a hero, but there is something to be said about the cyclical, triumphless nature of it.

This entire shore is covered in items from the store, and might be either Kerubim's addition to the shared dreamscape, or a representation of the shared experiences of the three dreamers.

The storm reflects the fact that none of them can find what they're seeking, and the growing anxiety that comes with it.

Despite him flirting with other women, Lou's scorn, Lou's accusation that he'll never be good enough because he can't become a good person, is a big fear for him.

I think that Lou is both a memory, and a representation of Kerubim's thoughts on the way he used to be, — or at least that is the image that the positioning of old Kerubim behind Lou invokes in me.

He hates himself, or at least who he used to be. These words are both something he thinks about himself, and something he thinks Lou would say.

Keke... Can you find this sadidette again, and check her sources?

Because all the sites I check say lily represents growth of beautiful from bad conditions, and also reincarnation. Which totally doesn't remind me of another weird fucking green-white thing in this show.

I want to know more about its sex symbolism instead, cat man!

Anyway, French-speaking readers, — I implore your help in the next post I make: this episode has some reversed audio, during the reversed boat scene, and I'll post it for you to analyse. I had wondered what it said for ages.

This line suggests that consciousness is fluid within the dream, — which answers the question of "which Kerubim is real and which one is a dream construct" that I've had with a very likely "both are real, and represent his different qualities of his character."

This also suggests, that my assumption, that the dream Joris is having is based on his high levels of anxiety he has, is probably correct, — and seemingly affecting Simone's and Kerubim's mental states too.

Joris seems so much like his adult self in this scene, — or so it seems to me. Very pretty.

Also pretty poetic, considering most of his actions as an adult are still fueled by the desire to be Awesome, and his definition of Awesome hasn't changed since he was 7.

THE best flash frames of the whole series.

Screenshots alone don't do this scene justice, so here it is.

There is a lot to unpack here. This is the closest we get to insight into Kerubim's real feelings in the current time, instead of his memories of the past, bad or good.

The thing he loves the most about her is her hair. Which brings to mind the happiest time of young Kerubim's life and their relationship, after he left kitty psych ward.

The line of "I will never have the time to caress them all" can have many different meanings. But the most glaring one to me, is...

She will die before him, and he had, likely, always known that. It was something he could ignore when they were young, but as an old man, who knows what will happen after he dies (not true death, that's for sure, he is not like her), and as someone who has likely seen other people his age die, — the possibility that she might not even be alive due to how many years had passed, is haunting.

And the possibility that he wasted all these years he could have spent with her, the possibility that he might be wasting them even now, if she is alive, is just as bad.

And the saddest thing is that he can't even see the old woman she became. He can only remember her as she was back then.

Would he even recognize her on the street?

This scene begins with the same sad melody as the scene of him missing Lou, but descends into discordant horrific sounds, despite how... comedic it seems. The same way Kerubim's other stupid antics are.

Because consciousness is fluid in this dream, and because Simone was playing the role of Kerubim's audience, — I think Simone and Kerubim are both mad here, with Kerubim's feelings influencing Simone's words, the same way Joris's influenced her in the previous scenes.

Joris doesn't look very happy about this dream anymore. Yet another proof for my hypothesis of this being an anxiety dream, even if by the time he wakes up, he thinks it's a cool one.

Remember what I said during episodes 33 (Noffoub's Fountain) and 35 (the gobbal set) about Joris's anxiety and dislike of change?

Being forced to go to bed is anxiety inducing for Joris, — he knows that it just means that the adults want him out of the way, that they don't want to spend time with him, — and he hates it when the routine changes, because it makes everything unpredictable, with is horrible to his little single-child-with-an-elderly-parent-who-keeps-saying-he'll-die-soon brain.

Haha. Yeah... Anyway.

Like in english, the french word rêve might mean both the dreams one sees at night, and one's hopes and aspirations.

...I don't think he is talking about the first kind here.

#ep43 #ro liveblogs dofus #dofus #wakfu #krosmoz #kerubim crepin #joris jurgen

[elvensorceress]

fuck it friday ⚡️

tagged by @alyxmastershipper @sibylsleaves @monsterrae1 @cowboy-buddie @fiona-fififi @spotsandsocks @buddierights @wikiangela @heartbeatdiaz @prince-buck-diaz @panbuckley @ebdaydreamer

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More Catching Lightning ⚡️ this directly follows this scene I posted which I have since edited and reposted because ajsdfdkljs it just wasn’t right yet don’t look at me. Have a good long chunk because I haven’t been around much and I miss you all 😘 

CW for some discussion of suicidal ideation (the boys have issues. we’re working on it 😵‍💫)

Eddie’s heart died. How do either of them feel anything after that? 

Isolating yourself, feeling like you don’t belong and can’t relate anymore, withdrawing and detaching yourself from loved ones, preoccupying yourself with death, losing your sense of self and purpose, your life losing meaning when you only feel guilty for surviving… all classic responses to this kind of trauma. And why Frank has a very busy, very full schedule.

Buck half shrugs, half nods. “We talk about it sometimes. Me and Natalia. We talk about death. Because that’s what she does. Helps people come to terms with dying. But I’m not facing down my death right now. It already happened. End of life care is about comfort, pain management, fulfilling mental and emotional needs, whatever spiritual needs someone has. You make amends as much as you can. You say goodbye. You tell people you— you tell people you love them. You make sure they know that you love them. You come to terms with being done and that there are things you never accomplished or got to have. Stuff like that. What I went through is different. I don’t know how much it helps. To talk with her. She doesn’t get death like what I went through.”

Eddie gives him a sideways look. “Is that why you were interested in her? Because she helps people who are dying?” 

“No. Partly. Maybe. I don’t know. Sort of. I figured it couldn’t hurt. She was curious about it and I could talk about what happened and it didn’t make her look at me weird. She thought it was cool.” 

So tales of Buck’s many almost-deaths were attempting to recapture magic. Wonderful. 

“But I don’t know what to think anymore. It feels like something should have come out of it. It feels like I shouldn’t be the same. I should have answers. I should know what the fuck I’m doing. I should be able to choose things and pick a new couch I’m comfortable with. I-I should be able to find meaning in my life. I should know how to be happy. I should know what happiness is for me. I died. I can say I’m going to make every day count and I’m going live my life to the fullest and I’m lucky and thankful to be alive. But what does it even mean? What is happiness? What do I do now? I don’t know what to do. Why don’t I get a moment of clarity? Why does nothing make sense? Why am I still lost and confused and stuck? Why don’t I get any answers?”

“You’re expecting death to give you answers?” That’s— even for Buck that’s bad. All of this is. 

“I don’t know. I keep thinking about Lev and how he said he figured it all out right before he died. But he didn’t come back. Maybe he wouldn’t remember anything if he had.” Buck lifts and drops his hands in utter hopelessness. “I just. I know I was waiting. I wasn’t going to rush into anything. But it made me feel normal. It made me feel something like myself. It’s just fun and lighthearted and I don’t have to worry about anything or—”

“Or feel anything? Because feeling anything is too much?”

“What if it is?” 

“In that case, you get to be me this time instead of Ana. That’s how that works. You tell yourself everything is nice, no pressure, you’re having fun, it’s not serious. It’s easy because nothing means anything. Until she’s invested and you aren’t because you can’t feel anything. And maybe you try and you think you can fake it or that it won’t matter as long as you’re convincing. But you’ll never love her and you know it. And you just end up hurting her.” 

Buck looks at him, studies him for a long moment, and Eddie isn’t sure if he’s analyzing his own life or if he’s contemplating Eddie’s. Maybe both, because Buck doesn’t really respond. He only says, “I feel like I’m trying to swim and I’m treading water and I keep getting hit with these waves that pull me under and then I don’t know which direction is up or if I’m supposed to drown. But every day I’m alive, it feels like it wasn’t supposed to happen. It feels like I shouldn’t be here. I can say it’s a gift. Life. I think it is, and I’m thankful I still have one. But I don’t know what to feel. Or who I am anymore.”

A fracture goes right down the middle of Eddie’s heart and he wishes he could just hold him and protect him and offer any comfort that might help. He wants to reach out. He wants to reach out and touch him, find him solid and alive under his own hands. Where Eddie can pour comfort and healing into all his wounds. But he can’t. They can’t ever touch anymore. Eddie can’t fix him. Eddie can’t even help him. Too much feels severed. What does he say? What can ever help? 

Maybe a safe place where Buck easily falls asleep and a cup of filtered water and hope that there’s something after pain and death and confusion. And a night where they were never apart. 

He never wants to be apart. 

“Everything feels different when you get that close to death and come back from it,” Eddie says, as carefully, lovingly as he did the night Buck hid out with them because it was sanctuary. It was a refuge and he could be at peace. He could be somewhere that is always offered as a home for him. Buck is always part of their home. “Nothing feels real. You don’t know what is real and what isn’t. You don’t know if you’re dying again or if your brain just decided it would be fun to make you panic. Everyone else moves and keeps moving forward, but you can get stuck in that moment where you almost died. It’s all you can think of, it’s all you can feel.” 

Blood and pain and lightning and burning and the agony of separation. It’s always there. It’s wedged between them. And he can’t reach. He can never reach. He tries and Buck is too far away. He tries and he’s not strong enough to lift him by the single thread miraculously binding them together. 

Eddie breathes deeply and it still feels like everything in his chest is broken. “I wish I could tell you how to climb out of that. I never handled it well. Sometimes, all you can do is survive and keep surviving. But you can’t avoid it. And cutting yourself away from people you love and who love you will only make it a thousand times worse.” 

Buck folds his hands together like he doesn’t know what to do with them. He blinks like his eyes are stinging and welling up. “My parents told me I was born to save someone. And when I was in a coma, in that world where everything was fucked up, they actually loved me. I almost wanted to stay just for that. Because here, they had me to save my brother. They had me to save him and I didn’t save him. And here, I’m a firefighter. And I love being a firefighter because I get to help people, I love helping people, taking care of them. But I keep feeling like I’m only here for that. Because of that. And I want to be here for me, not because I’m trying to live for someone else. I want to live for me because I want to live. I want to feel like I’m worth living for. I want my life to be worth living just because it’s mine. I know that’s what I should feel. I want to feel like I should be alive. But I don’t really feel like that right now.” 

Eddie’s heart just shatters all over again. He knows all too well what that is like. Far too well. He wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Not even a certain soulless, selfish, demon reporter. 

“It is worth it, Evan,” he says because that lonely, unloved little boy needs to hear it. “Your life is very worth it. Not because you save other people. They might have had you to save someone, but that is not why your life is worth living. You are worth it just because you exist. You don’t have to do anything or be anything. And I know it’s really hard to feel like it sometimes. That’s why I worry. And why I get angry and hate when you hurt yourself. I hate when you act like you don’t matter. I know feeling like you don’t deserve to be alive. That is exactly how I had a breakdown. It’s exactly how I almost killed myself last year. I wanted to.”

Buck’s face contorts and tears spill down his cheeks. “Eddie.” 

“I didn’t. I wouldn’t. I just—” he stops and pushes away wetness from his own eyes. “I felt it.” 

Buck reaches for him but stops himself before they touch. His breath hitches and he tries to wipe at his face. But more tears fall. 

Eddie offers his hands, open palms in the space between them. Just in case. 

Buck takes them and sinks to his knees on the floor in front of Eddie like he might collapse and sob on Eddie’s lap. Eddie catches him instead and curls down around him, holding Buck’s head to his chest. 

Buck clings to him maybe out of fear. But maybe he never wants to let go. His hands clench in Eddie’s uniform and he holds on with what has to be all of his strength. It’s hard, constricting, binding, and Eddie never wants him to let go.

It makes Eddie’s heart flutter like it’s alive after all. 

#buddie #buddie wip #jenwyn wip #fuck it friday #fic: catching lightning #911

[boxwinebaddie]

CAN WE HEAR ABT WTF IS IN RAVEN'S RED VIAL?? IM SO CURIOUS AND DONT HAVE A SINGLE CLUE

OH!!! YES!!! TOTALLY!!!!!

raven actually unlatches the top and lets kyle give it a whiff in part three of the ravesey hate which, yes being that close to raven's lip and neck gave jersey kyle mental problems ( in additon to the other ones ) also omg so much happens in p3. i will write p2 today ( i'll try to be more eloquent and thorough than last time ), also if someone could send me an ask so i have a place to put it that would be grand.

but yes...*cracks knuckles* The Vial. <3

if we can recall, the vial thing looks like this. it's just on a big silver chain, it's a heart shaped glass vial, that is giving mysterious sexy ~vampire~ energies me thinks. the liquid in it is...Crimson, of course.

and raven seems to...Sniff it? when he is stressed?

okay, weird king? go off?? to the mental hospital? shdlkshd lmaooo

tbh, it's actually not that exciting; so sorry to let y'all down. also, i accidentally bumbled and fumbled ( yes, i do fumble things besides women, smh ) that info and in an ask about what raven and jersey smell like, i fucking...talked about the vial. like OOOF! after chap one came out, really earlier before i made the vial mysterious.

but the red vial...

...is eucalyptus scented essential oil dyed w/ red food coloring.

which, sounds really weird bc wtf???? but it's because, like most mexican moms, sharon was convinced that vicks vaporub solved all the worlds problems LMAO like she used to slather stan and shelley with vicks vaporub. they were tearing up 25/8. stan would have a SKINNED KNEE and sharon would whip the jar out like oH MY GOD MAMA NOT THE VAPORU!! like stan would RUUUUUN loooooool

but...now that shes gone...on really bad days, when locks his door and cries in his room and feels seven years old again, all he wants is his mom singing something lightly in spanish and rubbing vicks vaporub on his back & making everything better again...I AM FUCKING SAD.

but yeah, the smell just calms him down when he's having a Stannic Attack and he has a lot of them because he's not good at being a celebrity and he has really severe ptsd. so yeah! The Vial! haha.

also the tiny pill kenny gave jimmy to give to ravenstan...

...was a Xanax lmaooooo.

-uncle nina, producer of mediocre lore

p.s. speaking of mediocre lore involving sharon, sharon also was supersitious and spiritual growing up

( it was a whole thing where the town of sp was calling sharon a witch which was super racist and misogynistic! people fear what they don't understand!! also wow super cool guys!! the one latina woman!!! that's where ur gonna throw all ur bigoted hate! anyways one time in the grocery store, linda stotch accused sharon and stan of her and her d*ughter cursing sp w/ witchcraft" and sharon SMACKED! her and was like Maybe I Am A Bruja But At Least I'm Not A Bitch! and then was like come on stan, we're leaving. and before she left she went *boo!* and linda stotch screamed lollll...ICON BEHAVIOR!!!! like not only did she crack the Hell out of linda but she validated stans gender identity and used his name :’)

anyways she used to read tarot all the time and stan thought she was just being kind of insane...but now that he misses her...he also does consult the cards often...he also reads all the cd boys tarot <3 )

#rm spoiler #this was not my finest work #but i hope this makes sense #yes this makes me super sad like ohhhh my god #when i tell you ravenstan loves sharon like its so :((( #he dedicates like all his songs to her especially the unplugged aucoustic covers in spanish n blows the air a kiss i hate my life so bad #the chinga madre vaporu smh #BUT IF STAN COULD GO BACK #JUST ONE MORE TIME #N HAVE SHARON SMEAR VICKS ALL OVER HIS SHOULDER AND SING TO HIM AND RUB CIRCLES ON HIS BACK #OOOOOOUGH IM DEPRESSED #HED DO IT HED DO ANYTHING. #i want to cry like he MISSES her #but yeah no raven just needed to hit the vial and have a really stiff drink and have a xanax #which is not safe but live fast die young bad bois do it well #and he's doing it alright #and in turn it is doing very bad things to kyle's brain

[evanpitars]

Hi! Saw the ships post, decided I'd give it a go.

I am straight, but supporting and go by she/her, maybe she/they, 16 year old, junior and taking cosmetology college classes, female standing at 5'7 and I have hazel eyes, really extremely light freckles only on the bridge of my nose, full lips, and an diamond/oval shaped face. I have a resting depressed face, and to some people sometimes I give off a "bad attitude/attitude problem". Usually to guys (from what I have been told) I am cute, or some have said I'm hot. I had my ears pierced but the holes are closed up, so I wear clip on earrings. I have a somewhat hourglass, on the smaller side body, I have been told my wrists and ankles are very small, small boobs, smaller butt, and I'm toned and I have long legs and thighs on the thicker side. I'd say I'm around 130 lbs. I have dirty blonde thick hair that rests on my breasts (couldn't think of a less awkward but as detailed as possible description), I have long outgrown curtain bangs and outgrown layers. My style is unique; I love layering skirts and dresses and sweaters and I love beanies and hats, and I always like to wear my black converse with granny-patterned-type socks. And it tends to be darker colors of clothing that I like. I love necklaces, rings and bracelets. My perfume is Pink Cashmere. I am an Aries and into astrology and crystals and spirituality, the paranormal and Christianity. I also vape. I'm kind of a chill person, but I can be loud/expressive at times. People rub off on me easily, for example, I tend to say things I've heard other people say, if I'm around them enough, for example my classmate says "period slay" and I started to say it. I tend to be the big sister of the friend group and the friend that has everything and ready for any situation type friend. I also make suxcxdal jokes. I like to draw when I have the motivation to. I love music, like can't go a day without listening to it, and I usually go for a walk for about 30 mins a day listening to music and sometimes at college I walk around the campus with one earbud in if I don't have anyone to talk to. I can play a *little* piano, but all I can play is fucking Old Macdonald. My last resort on Netflix to watch is true crime docs, I did have a Jeffrey Dahmer phase, I was extremely interested in his case, I did find him a bit attractive too, but disclaimer, I am NOT glorifying/praising him. He's a horrible person that happens to be a bit attractive. I also am a horror movie fanatic, my favorites have to be the Conjuring movies and the Insidious movies. And, of course, I love AHS. I think I might have ADHD, I get told that sometimes. I do have anxiety as well. I am mentally slow sometimes, and I struggle with focusing at times. Oh also I am a psychic and I can see spirits. I am extremely clingy, and I have mommy and daddy issues. I am very, very, very hxrny, I hate to admit it, I always make dirty jokes if I'm comfortable with someone. I love my guys emo/grunge, doesn't give a shit type mentality, clingy, touchy, possessive, protective, knows his manners, tall, mentally unstable, scraggly looking, veiny hands, big hands, and, yes of course, hxrny.

That would be me:)

Also thank you if you read my literal book.

Hello my angel! How are you?

Thank you for sending! You are very beautiful and I find you a interesting person. If you want to chat, then lets go hahaha

So at first I thought about Jimmy Darling, because of your personality, but then, when you talked about what you want in a guy everything made sense .

YOUR LOVE STORY WOULD BE WITH.... ‼️

* drum sound * 🥁🥁🥁

KAI ANDERSON

There's no need to mention your physical appearance, because you're perfect and he would love you anyway. I feel like he would love your unique style and since he thinks he is God himself, he would easily become interested in spirituality. You would talk about the meaning of crystals and, although he was sometimes reluctant when it came to the subject, he would listen carefully and make observations. The only thing he would probably joke about was the signs hahaha. If you asked him to make an astral chart, he would laugh in your face, but in a funny way hahaha .

As you are horny, you like possessive, mentally unstable boys, Kai would be the perfect man for you. He wouldn't let anyone touch you without you giving permission. He would always be analyzing his surroundings and worried about you and your day, just to protect you. If you make jokes about suicide, that would be another reason to justify this choice. I see you both laughing about a serious topic, but for some reason you found it funny. Oh another thing, idk your sexual preferences, but good lord, that man would be horny 24/7 he makes very clear in the season Cult that he likes puśsÿ and with you wouldn't be an exception. His big and veiny would grab your wrist and he would tease you endlessly, until he drove you crazy. Hands on the waist, on the back of the head, on the thighs, on the groin, on the neck and in the hair. Also he would use your psychic habilities to his crimes and watch criminal doc with, just for fun or to improve his plans.

THANK YOU FOR SENDING MY LOVE ❤️

#ahs coven #ahs fandom #american horror story #kyle spencer #ahs cult #ahs hotel #ahs murder house #evan peters #kai anderson #james march #tate langdon #shipping #matchups #violet harmon

[kinfeelings]

Stream of Consciousness: Looking Back, Labels & a Bit About Dysphoria.

I first began believing I was “strange” and “more/other than human” in elementary school (I distantly remember I had feelings of it before then but it became blatant in elementary) and then also the horrible daycare I was placed in for many hours after school ended. Probably had a lot, if not everything, to due with my undiagnosed autism and untreated trauma. I spent recesses wandering around the playground or digging in the dirt, stuck in my head, mostly ignoring my peers who wanted little to do with me anyhow, and then at the daycare, where it was near-constant torment, I was still always pretending to be Something Else. A non-canon OC Warriors cat, a tiger (sometimes even an aquatic “water-tiger”), a werewolf, many different things. Before elementary school and that daycare I was simply obsessed with thinking I was an ordinary house-cat every now and then.

Skip ahead years later and suddenly I am a teen in middle school scouring Tumblr, fixated on Tom Hiddleston at the height of the Avengers-mania. I begin hearing glimpses of something called “otherkin.” It’s so harshly ridiculed that I veer away from it immediately despite it vaguely catching my interest for some reason. More time goes by and I’ve become a young adult, who’s ready to learn more about this concept that I only caught snippets of before. I find I relate to a lot of it, but haven’t any clue what my kintypes are yet. I tried so many freaking labels, y’all. It was ridiculous. Meowth and persian pokémon, a sable working-line German shepherd dog, an Eastern water-spirit dragon, a Maine coon, Bluestar from Warriors, Star Catcher from My Little Pony, Zira from The Lion King, I even attempted to test out an archetrope…

None of these were true, but it’s good I searched, and developed more understanding of my identity.

I am currently twenty-seven, and I call myself: spiritual/psychological, alterhuman, voidpunk, and beastpunk. My current kintypes are as follows: feline cladotherian, all the eeveelutions including eevee itself (pokémon), and various fluctuating fiction- and OCkintypes. My favorite animals are felines, which is cool considering that I am literally all of them at once. I don’t dislike anything that I am, to be honest, which is pretty lucky—some individuals hate what they are, and I feel bad for them. Species euphoria comes to me as a sort of inner peaceful feeling, like all the bullshit of living humanly is ignorable and tolerable, like me-as-my-’types are having no trouble piloting this body I inhabit. I do recognize I value humanity and don’t scorn it anymore, which is why I choose to say I’m alterhuman instead of purely nonhuman. Though, I’ve been wondering about that, lately. Not that I’m going back to hating it as I did when I was younger, just that...am I latching onto the idea of being only a “human but slightly to the left” out of habit and fear of repercussions?

Someone in the OtherConnect Discord server told me “alterhuman” doesn’t imply either having humanity nor lack of it, it’s an umbrella term that includes examples of both. So I guess I was kinda mistaken? So I’m calling myself nonhuman from now on, too.

Dysphoria is a hellish time when it does occur for me, especially since I’m already mentally ill to begin with. Everything feels discordant, borderline painful; the air itself that I breathe has a blunt and mocking edge to it, cruel and relentless. You will never be anything you are within. Fuck my intrusive thoughts and anxiety disorder, frankly. They can kiss my ass.

#lionel speaks #essay #journal #alterhuman #otherkin

[cosmic-navel-gazin]

Adam Warlock :^)

The free space is for :

🌌🌠⭐✨💫 SPAAAACEEEE 💫✨⭐🌠🌌

for him to fly around, wax poetic, philosophize and drown in cosmic existentialism!

(the lost potential and writers dropping the ball-spots are the inherent reality that comes with mainstream superhero comics, some good some bad, some writers and artists whose takes we prefer and some we don't)

Adam... my golden boi, my glamrock space jesus, my spiritual vampire, my ferrero rocher... have some reasons I love him in no particular order:

He's the reason I came to tumblr in the first place so I owe him for all the incredible people I've met on here since *points at you edith* Even my username is based on his vibes.

I love his design (well some of them), the floofy 80's mom hair, the eyeliner, the wizard cape, the lil skull brooch, the red and gold (and sometimes black) colour palette, etc

I love his relationship with the soul gem (he feels naked to me without it) and how it introduced the whole concept of infinity gems into the universe

I love how he's always an outsider, always apart, I love his contradictory nature: how he's the avatar of life but is unable to truly enjoy life; how he craves peace and quiet and yet is constantly being pulled to take part in universe-shattering conflicts; he's the master of the soul gem and thus has insight into other people's souls and yet is unable to truly connect with most beings, he's Thanos' self appointed psychologist and is way worse than him, etc

On that last point I love his constant mental breakdowns and I love that his head is a mess. Adam travels to Thanos' mind and it's regular goth shit with skulls and stuff, but when Thanos travels to Adam's mind he's like "whoa dude! this is fucked up!"

I love that he can't stay alive for more than 5 minutes at a time, shout-out to his tombstone for when he was only 10 years old, actual literal baby boi!

I love his journeys of self discovery that helped at a time where I was going on some introspective journeys of my own

I love that this cosmic being of incomprehensible power is afraid of women and relationships, he can deal with the fabric of the universe breaking, that's easy compared to feelings

I love his soon to be 50 year long incredible slow-burn relationship with Thanos they come in a package do not separate them, I love the similarities between the two and how they understand each other completely in spite of their differences, I love how they'd rather blow up the universe than resolve their issues without making it everybody's problem ;)

On that note, I love them finishing each other's sentences

Also on the similarities point, I love you “It wouldn’t be the first seed to his own destruction I’ve seen Thanos plant. I fear it is a trait I have in common with him.”

I love you "The Talk", “I know you as no other being in the universe does, better than even you do yourself!”  the three pages that probably made me want to know all about them

I love the - largely criminally unexplored - Adam, Thanos and Mistress Death relationship, mostly on Death and Adam's side

I love how when Adam became God™ he thought the wisest thing to do to go about his new responsibilities was saying: fuck gender! , and get rid of them messy feminine and masculine traits of his

On that note I love that two huge marvel summer events were about said masculine (the magus), and feminine (the goddess) traits fucking over the universe (Infinity War and Infinity Crusade consecutively) and Adam eventually accepting them as part of himself instead of shunning them in the end

I love the holy trinity that is Adam, Gamora and Pip, my beloved trio... how they're always there for him no matter what they love his ass so much, look at this art, Adam's cape is for wrapping his loved ones with

I love you Adam and Gamora 💛💚💛💚💛💚 I love you "From Gamora I am discovering that there is more to life than action and adventure, strife and conflict. I never realized that mere words or a touch could prove to be such subtle treasures. Keys to unimagined happiness."

I have a soft spot for you Roy Thomas/Gil Kane Adam, you like many other Adams, had great unrealized potential

I love his sadomasochistic tendencies (lmao get crucified idiot, more than once btw!) and his self-destructive tendencies

I love how 90's!Adam took a new look at Thanos and went "I can fix him, I can make him worse", and it has been that way ever since, just inserting himself in Thanos' life any chance he gets... the way they self-destruct without the other

I love you exchange between Adam and Thanos that goes: “Travel well and safely, my friend.”

“Friend? Yes, I guess that is what we are.”"

I love you ending of Infinity Gauntlet

I love that the first thing Adam does upon arriving at an alien planet is start petting a cat, he's just like me for real

I love you relationship with whiny baby ass Eternity, old divorced couple dynamic my beloved

I love you "Look at yourself, Warlock! You've always been a creature of passion and excess! You either love dearly or hate viciously". Adam's holier-than-thou, self-righteous indignation, my beloved.

I love that Adam and the Infinity Watch tape low budget pornos in order to pay rent to Mole Man, their landlord

I love you "Death holds no terror for me. It's life I fear":

I love you endless cycles of death and rebirth, they're not uncommon in superhero comics but what I love is how being unable to truly die shaped his character and worldview on life (and I love how scared he was of suddenly dying when the prospect of no coming back this time arose, it didn't last though lol some amazing potential there that went unexplored right after it came up):

I love you Princess Bride meme that fits Adam and Thanos so well "- You mock my pain! - Life is pain, anyone who says otherwise is obviously selling something!”

I love you "I have no dreams/You know I've always wished to be longed to be normal", the whole thing really the way Thanos is trying to reach out to him at the end with his hand stretched out shut uuuuuuppppp

#I COULD GO ON AND ON YOU KNOW HOW IT IS EDITH BUT TY SO MUCH FOR THE ASK #edith #asks/replies #adam warlock #ask game #my internet sucks right now so I'm slowly going through these blorbo bingo cards

[pinkmoondoll9shihtzu]

all the talk about demons is really interesting to me so i wanted to share my demon story (although im not traditionally religious so i usually resist the term demon bc i feel like it has really specific connotations to most people... but my experience with a negative parasitic entity)

lived in a 200 year old house in an extremely spiritually active area of land where weird shit happened often and there was a creepy vibe always but this was the worst thing that ever happened there and the most sinister by far. most of the creepy energy just felt like nature spirits which are indifferent to human life. but basically my sibling had an extremely bad drug addiction and a lot of mental health problems and his room became extremely unpleasant to go into, there was a terrifying energy always like if you went in there to get something it felt like you were about to be grabbed. he moved out in very upsetting circumstances and after he was gone I think the negative entity which had accumulated in there feeding off his unhappiness had nothing left to consume so it started to come out. the first thing that happened was only mildly weird, the door to his room like locked and unlocked itself on its own when my sister tried to go in. now that i'm typing this i realize i cant actually remember a lot of the details, and stuff like the door being locked inexplicably is fairly normal weird old house stuff, but it felt so sinister and terrifying at the time, we were all aware of it even though it wasn't directly expressed. the thing that made me realize there was an actual entity in that room coming out was my mom woke up and found a tissue box on the foot of her bed. it wasn't the one from her room because that was still there, and because it was blue (my brother's color) we realized it had come from his bedroom. so this thing took the box of tissues out of my brother's room and put it on the foot of his mother's bed to torment her. idk this sounds so mundane typing it but it was legit one of the most chilling things i've ever experienced. i felt that the entity was like a black hole, nothingness that fed on nothingness and created more nothingness.. like the exact opposite of a living creature. I tried to force it out by visualizing my energy pushing it out of the room and i think it partially worked.. idk hmm....... i hope this isn't too much demon stuff i dont wanna bring down the vibe of your blog.. this is 2012 3arth n01ses btw i just didn't want this to be findable via my blog bc its personal family info

it's ok i dont think it brings down the vibe ^^ i like to talk about this stuff especially as i feel very protected at this stage in my life i am inclined to pass along some of my feelings towards ~the spiritual war~ as many people are looking to gain insight. to me it feels very objective to analyze & discuss..

and i relate to this story a lot o_o i've experienced poltergeist activity and it's no joke,.. when an entity becomes strong enough to start messing with the physicality of this realm it is absolutely horrifying even on the most minor scale. there's been a few haunted houses i've lived in where it's happened but this story really reminds me of when i was living in new mexico at my exes house..

my ex and i shared a room that was a newer addition to the house. but the main part of the house was over 100 years old & an alcoholic man had killed himself in my exes childhood bedroom during the great depression. i could not fucking be in this room, like, the second i stepped in there i was filled to the brim with dread & discomfort like the walls were closing in on me. no one else seemed to feel any type of way about this room, but my exes dad had said something interesting about it. it was next to the bathroom & the house was so old that the pipes were made of clay, so in winter they had to dig underneath the house to like, repair the pipes or alleviate pressure on them or something?

anyways the first winter i was there one day my exes dad mentioned that he saw a tiny shadow man run across the yard into the hole under this room. to me it instantly felt like something ancient. and i felt the man who killed himself in that room was being tormented by this thing. because in present times this is still a very dysfunctional household, especially concerning addiction. that room especially just felt so fucking heavy.

one time i was going to the bathroom at midnight, my ex was out with friends, her parents were sleeping in their own room. as i walked past the haunted room the door was open and i heard a voice say "hello!" but it sounded distant, like it was echoing, but not echoing in the room, it was echoing through dimensions. i became TERRIFIED & i ran into the bathroom, i sat there listening with the door open just to try and assess the situation, like maybe my exes dad woke up or something? then i heard loud footsteps walking out of the creepy room towards me. i slammed the bathroom door shut. the footsteps stopped and there was no more sound after that, neither of the parents were awake. i was so shocked. its still hard for me to believe.

but i do feel the man who killed himself in that room gave the entity a huge surplus of energy to work with. and it was causing all types of chaos in that house. i also find it interesting how it waited for my ex to be out of the house before presenting itself to me. because it was rare for us to be apart at that time. since it was her childhood bedroom i feel the entity has a special attachment to her. and it's very similar to your brother. i'm sorry your family has had to go thru this ): but you're not alone.. and you seem to be taking a higher path from my own observations it seems you've learned a lot from this experience and allowed it to elevate your cosciousness rather than falling victim to it. so good for you, your soul is strengthened, really the best case scenario from this.

thanks for another message...your intuition is on your side <3 PMD9 xxxxxxxxx

[pearl-tarotist]

@astroyongie @s0ulcxndy

First of all, I would like to apologize to my followers or to the people that just come to my blog to have a fun time and that do not want to get involve in "dramas" but as calm as I try to be in this blog, I do also feel the need to defend my principles and my spiritual work. It's going to be a long post (I don't want anyone getting different messages of what i am trying to say), if anybody is interested in idol readings, please read it, it does affect you too.

Yesterday, as some of you had seen I reblogged a post from @s0ulcxndy that basically talked about the limits that we should put in the reach of our work as readers, specifically in terms of "idols" readings. And I agreed with her, there are limits on where we, not just as readers but as people, should be able to know about other's private life. Don't get me wrong, getting curios is okay, there are great respectful blogs out there. I have consumed idol readings and I have myself done readings about compatibility, but I have never asked about their real, raw and private life. And much less have I publish it for everybody to see.

Now, @astroyongie , I had you blocked for a long time because I don't like how you use your "practice", nor the way you word your messages, but it's not the first time someone texts me or appears on my feedback calling you out. "Look at what she's doing! Oh my god! Look at what she's saying about this and that one". So, I think I am in my right to call you out on what you do, in different points. Please, do not ignore it, as you usually do when you do not like something and do not know how to "debate" it. I am directly targeting you and you should feel like it. And if you do not answer I hope people are able to read this post and realize how you do actually work.

IDOL READINGS PROBLEMATIC

There are 3 related points in your "practice" (as much as "spiritually safe" and how much you come from a "transgenerational family of people who practice that ancient spirituality") that are really problematic and actually have nothing to do with your believes!

1.-The lack of limits you have 2.-The way you phrase your messages// The possible sexual shaming//sexual identity topics that you touch// in conclusion: sensitive topics as abortions and 3.- Your hypocrisy on protecting idols and taking care of their mental health while you try to discover all of their secrets... Basically all of your "tea readings" and asks.

So, first of all, this list of "accusations" are not baseless. Photos down. Being able to do something does not mean you should; it's not ethical to get involved in the private life of idols. It's not moral to get into their sexual life or their relationships, who cheats on who too?.... And don't start with the "I don't say their names"; pretty sure that your answers to the emoji asks, that you are not even able to publish the question are explicit enough; also, you leaving hints for them to know which idol did what?. TO TRY TO TELL THE SEXUAL ORIENTATION or literally "forcing them to get out of the closet", talking about a woman hiatus being actually a cover for an abortion?. Your limits? To play with something so serious and to do it in such a dramatic way, for what? 20 likes and 2 asks?

Honestly, i don't think you are no different from dispatch or the sasaengs.

Posts about SK' sexual orientations using your practice.

Post about the topic of abortion. +Babies.

Certain comments that I actually find a bit...prejudicial about a woman sexual life just to sell a post in a newspaper style. Imagine someone in your class just saying : "this student slept with all her classmates, she knows how to pack them!". 🙃Just no.

+light take on the subject of bullying, once more, just to sell a newspaper style.

We all know idols fuck, they are people but this? Out of limits too. I don't even think I have to explain it.

And we reached the 10 images limit 🥲.

Btw, I am not trying to defend idols bad actions, I am just trying to defend their right to intimacy. Idols=people, with their flaws and mistakes. We don't need to know who they fuck with. So, Don't use that excuse with me, please.

+! If someone is interested in these extreme and invasive readings just unfollow me.

#personal

[endorstoiii]

My wright #3 - I'm back

I know I've been very far from tumblr for a long time, but I had no idea my last appearance here was on Feb 20th. Long four months that, honestly, felt like just a few weeks.

I don't remember the exact reason why I got offline, but I suppose it was a huge amount of tasks (home + course), and add it tons and tons of exhaustion (mental, emotional and physical).

It's no surprise that my life only gets worse, and I'm not exaggerating or being dramatic or playing the victim. I really mean it. Also, I'm not being negative and pessimist. Nothing works for me. I am unemployed and I'm looking for a job for three years. Ok, we had a fucking pandemic in the middle of the process, but things are back to normal already and everyone I know had success after all of that. Except for me. Do you know how fucked up is it to be unemployed? It more than sucks. I only get older (and more tired) and it hinders to find a job. Not only "I am too old" to get a beginners job, but also I feel so uncapable, psicologically I am destroyed because no matter how hard I try to get my shit together, nothing works. I even get some job interviews, but I never step forward. I can't get a job as a designer. I can't get a job as anything else — I tried to get a job on many different areas, except for seller cause the pressure is way too much for me to handle (I am way too bad already, I can't get any worse or God knows what may happen) — I can't get any little ray of success at anything at all. Why? Is it me?

Honestly, I don't think I am the problem. Not anymore. I used to think I was terrible as a student, as a designer and then I would be a terrible professional as well. Plus, I am too shy and dumb, I wouldn't know what to do in much pressure, and job recruiters know that and would never approve me. But no. I know I am good in what I do. Obviously I'm not the best (and I think I don't even want to be, so that's ok), but I'm good and I deserve more. I am so attentious, cautios and passionate (finally! this would be a good topic to write about: my passion for design). And being shy and dumb? Like... Everyone is hah I know people who are even shyer and dumber, and they have a job, they do a great work. So, no. I am not the problem. So, the only answer I can think of is: external influence. I am the least spiritual person I know (another good topic to write about), but oh man, it's the only thing that makes any sense to me. I believe the horrendous, deep and negative energy of the enviroment I live in, unfortunately influences my paths. And not only to get a job, but to anything to me. For example, I can't have a date. I can't. My life is too bad, my psychologic is too bad, my emotional too bad. This is all because of this fucking shitty energy of the enviroment I live in.

Well, no surprises here. But yeah my life was a mess and got even worse. It gets worse with time. And as if everything isn't all fucked up already, my grandma (who is kinda still recovering from her knee fracture) fell of the stairs and broke her two wrists. Now, again, me and my mom have to take care of her — but this time we must keep our eyes on her all. the. time. Do you know how exhausting and demanding taking care of an old person can be??? I had no clue until last year when she broke her knee, now it's her knee and two arms. My God.

Just when I thought I was getting a bit better, I got totally worse again. But now I feel like I'm a little bit less shitty than I was a couple of months ago. Seriously, about two months ago I was so bad as I've never been my whole life :( I tried looking for psychological help but, uh oh, how will I afford it if I'm unemployed? I can't get better psychologically, I can't get better emotionally, I can't get better financially, I can't get better in any layer of life... However, these past weeks I felt a little motivation to just keep on going one day at a time, I miss tumblr and I miss my friends & mutuals, I miss doing those tagging post stuff. These are some of the things that bring me some joy :) despite feeling the worst ever, I want to be here and I want to keep on doing, cause if I don't, I will probbaly disassociate for real and I don't even know what's next.

This is probably the longest text post I've written here, but well deserved cause four months away from my safe place... It's a lot. I don't know how long this motivation phase will take, I hope it's like before. But while I'm here, I want to be here.

#no comment #personal #my wright

[sheviolentlyher]

ma'am? please call me babycakes.

meh. I am present, yet idle. dinner needs to be made soon so I try and shapeshift. what if I am always trying to be something I'm not? cooking, cleaning, mother?

what if I am, in fact, very disciplined? it would make sense why I crave chaos.

I still have thoughts. I still have questions.

but do they matter? I get tired of all the spiritual jargon going around. I cant look at the internet the same. my vision is tainted, which is advantageous. I am always the victor. I think the bad happens so you can see the good. do we choose to see the good or do we stare evil in the eyes? is this what they mean when they say heaven and hell is just a mindset? what you think, you become.

I desire to become nothing. Please do not think of this as a statement of self pity, because it is not. It is a statement of emptiness. an emptiness that allows room for all that moves through me without exploding. there is no room for war.

should you ask a persons permission to love them? what is it about love that makes us feel trapped? loyalty? desire? addiction? instinct? love is free so they say. but they dont tell you what it costs you to get there. to get to that mindset of letting love go. holding on loosely. dare I dream of something obsessive. I really need to be careful for what I ask for. If I keep thinking this way, I will pay attention to every sign that says to do so.

Think about it. Women want to be loved so badly that we want to be kidnapped. Thinking that we are something fucking special. HA. I mean we lose the ability to judge, loves blind much? Woman can bypass this terror because they are convinced that it's role-play, and her life really isn't in danger, until it is. I am walking a fine line. We love being that pretty prey, but only by someone we know?

Why are women so obsessed with true crime? why are women a vessel of suffering----- made to betray herself in order to save man. eve eats apple. sin. sin.sin. blood. blood.blood. betrayal. I cant believe people actually think a menstrual cycle is a curse.

one time. my male German Shepard jumped through a window for my female once.

do humans have the same instincts? are we looking to spend our lives with someone or are we attaching ourselves to security. emotionally. mentally. physically. what if youre with the wrong partner because of that? Or what if life isn't that serious? Settling is what humans are really good at. We've been doing it since the beginning of time. when did we ever become content as a race? it seems nothing is ever really talked about but the collateral damage of the law. What happens when Jesus is no longer our savior? what I mean by that is, when people decide to stop believing that anything could possibly save us from ourselves. is that the rapture? I like to think that language and words meant very different things. What the Bible written in English originally? Who translated this? wouldn't be unfair to say that they could even compare. our vocabulary compared to theirs? the times? the era? the age? the fact that NO ONE WAS FUCKING THERE. lol

you can say anyone is god. I want to know what happens when you take a test group of babies and for their entire developmental lives you don't tell them about religions. I want to know what happens then. WHAT HAPPENS THEN?

I'm still vibing off my morning. I love existing, it's honestly pretty cool and love when the art of being present disguises itself as idle time, "boredom." look what I have done. took a single leap down into an entire universe in my brain. a magician's hat. a very deep, deep black hole of infinite possibility. Infinite magic. maybe that's us getting to the top of the mountain. and we all know how heavy it is on the last mile--- what if boredm is a sign of peak progress? It's telling you it is ready to create and find new things. It- being your mind? why does IT crave? what does it really want. I dont believe it really wants all this malnourished entertainment.

what have we done? it has dimmed our shine as a species. so many people living very different lives all waiting for purpose. all while knowing of our own mortality, which only teaches us how to pursue beauty. animals do not know the their surroundings as far as their concerned it's just another day of survival. I dont think animals live, I think they survive.

if you think about it, that's probably what humans did for awhile too. which brings me to my thoughts on what sort of powers or abilites we have lost along the way. I say humans dont know HOW to think. they just think. and that's all they know. I mean no one really stops to think about it because it just always has happened ever since you can remember. what about thinking intentionally? it is a loop hole in the mind. when you think with intention, it results in action, manifestation.

do you think people can be in love with the idea of something?

maybe I was in love with the idea of being in love.

maybe I'm just delusional making me insane and I'm nothing but empty poetry, and universal sift.

I accept thy will.

-x

#diary #tumblr diary #diaryposting #personal diary #poetic #writeblr #writing #writers and poets #free writing #free write #i dont fucking know #raw thoughts #life #lust #idle thoughts #spilled thoughts #thoughts #thinking #emotions #feelings

[cumaeansibyl]

We watched the 1999 version of House on Haunted Hill last night and I don't know what the fuck their whole deal was but I enjoyed the hell out of it. I am not as much familiar with the fin de siècle Big Action Horror Movie genre but if any more of it is this deranged I may have to do some more research

Takeaways:

Chris Kattan is my spiritual twin in this. I have rarely encountered a character so dedicated to leaving immediately and waiting in the car -- at least until the house traps everyone inside, at which point he goes full Elisha Cook Jr. and resigns himself to his doom, but in a really bitchy way.

I don't know what the fuck accent Geoffrey Rush thought he was doing but he should have thought harder. The Vincent Price mustache really was too much but I understand why they did it.

Famke Janssen is amazing as the turbo-bitch trophy wife.

Not Enough Jeffrey Combs, unfortunately. Maybe they were worried he looked better in the Price mustache.

At one point Geoffrey Rush is trapped in an evil zoetrope and he puts on the protective goggles, and I wish I could find a picture or video but it's basically this:

There's a Big Bad Evil Force in the place, which I think wasn't strictly necessary when you already had evil people ghosts, but this was definitely a More Is Better movie, so why not! Combination CG and in camera effects, it's corny but it has a Rorschach quality that I enjoyed.

As far as haunted asylum movies go it actually stays almost entirely away from "ooooo creepy mental patients" in favor of "wow, Dr. Jeffrey Combs was a fucking monster even by 1920s standards" (this is what happens when you send Jeffrey Combs to medical school, I thought we all knew this)

Peter Graves makes a brief appearance as himself in a fake TV show about Dr. Jeffrey Combs. Thanks, Department of Exposition!

There's a plot twist that genuinely neither of us saw coming, which is RARE AS HELL.

So basically my feeling about remakes is that one shouldn't get too precious about the sanctity of the original or whatever, as long as you're behaving with some kind of respect. The original House on Haunted Hill featured a gimmick with an inflatable glow-in-the-dark skeleton that flew out of a box on the theatre ceiling. William Castle is one of my favorite directors because he was a huckster and a nerd and seemed to take genuine pleasure in his work. This movie made a lot of changes to the setting and plot -- there are no actual ghosts in the original, no haunted asylum, certainly no eldritch force of corruption -- but if you ask me, William Castle would absolutely have made a big noisy spookfest movie like this if he'd had the money for it. It's kind of what he was trying to do with the original Thirteen Ghosts (the remake of which I am also looking forward to).

By contrast, I have very little interest in seeing the 1999 version of The Haunting, because that took a quiet, eerie adaptation of a quiet, eerie novel and stuffed it full of howling computer ghosts. It's just... not the right material for that kind of thing. By all means, go ahead and make that movie, but don't tell me it's Shirley Jackson, you know?

#leave immediately and wait in the car

[joyboythehopepunk]

the color of growth

the color of growth by donovan melero

it's one of those emotive songs that helps me feel things i normally put to the side. not sure if anyone else does this. where you just get into one of those moods.. where you have to think about/feel the things that are bothering you?

it used to be more self destructive for me than listening to a sad song or two. i used to be an alcoholic. i used to be depressed and a little bipolar.

but i'm autistic with cptsd. being in fucked up situations really does a number on me in a way it doesn't seem to mess with other people. that is why i have only been in handful of relationships.

things affect me much more intensely.

at first i thought i was just a highly sensitive person. well. at first i just thought i was a moody weirdo who happened to be intelligent.

anyway.. this part of my self discovery journey only began in earnest with a failed relationship. i had to know what was wrong with me.

but... just as i'd feared: nothing is more wrong with me than anyone else. i only confirmed i am fucked up. like everyone else. just in a different way. definitely less fucked up than the general public.

that was this issue, ultimately. if you're closer to health and your society is mostly sick.. you look more damaged. you look like the crazy one. but you're actually sane. more sane than any peers you've had. i'm also a statistical anomaly in a way, too. being mixed, trans, and disabled is common on this hellsite.

but lgbtq people, brown people, and neurodivergent people are technically still minorities.

anyway.. my journey has been a long one. and it isn't over yet.

the color of growth is a sad song about the loss of love and regret. which is mainly what I feel when i think of her. the one that really hurt me. for some reason.. it seems to hurt more than anything i can remember in a long time. and yeah, i know autistic people experience trauma more extremely.. but oof.

ramble. it wasn't just my fault. i know that. i just wish i could find someone who is as patient and considerate as i am. i make an excellent lover. it is too bad people keep proving me right about their characters. but we all have fucked up things going on. idk.

i'm tired of being alone. i have been alone my whole life - unlike others. no real emotional/mental support my whole life. was barely taken care of as a child. as an adult i've had no real friends/family.

people make me uncomfortable. and with how i've seen them treat one another (except in rare instances) it is understandable. why anyone would be wary. and maybe that is why people don't really seem to value relationships as much as they say.

but i am a voidpunk/spiritual being. i've never looked at humans the same way as other people. i value life, i really do. i probably value the connections more than normal. i see peoples' humanity more than normal.

but lately.. lately i have grown more detached. bc i just don't have the energy to give people. bc i'm tired of being hurt and disappointed.

people who don't see me as a person. people who can't respect or give space or support me. especially when i've always been a very giving person... why should i give them consideration? other than it's the right thing to do? (which has gotten me taken advantage of and misunderstood too)

always in lop-sided relationships. (bc people expect something specific out of me/expect more from me)

never understood or loved properly. (bc people don't know how to be there for me/love me. they only have so much space in their hearts ig)

there's no point to this post except for me to air my feelings out. it feels like i have a giant wound inside me. and tho i suspect others feel the same.. there is a difference in the clarity and magnitude of awareness.. how much we know of ourselves and others deepens such pain.

ah. it hurts. to think of loving and being loved in return.

(a/n: check out Aurora's Nature Boy song)

can't wait to find my companion, lover, and friend. hopefully i won't wait much longer.

#voidpunk #personal #love #romance #loss #regret #pain #heartache #relationship #heartbroken #moving on #healing #romantic #hopeless romantic #solitude #loneliness #partner #lover #friend #companion

[kdipshit]

The Borderline Between Love And War ;

The intensity, in which I feel, isn’t mine really to ever begin with. Picture moving smoke, now picture that in a more dense form, its just energy, which is exactly what every thing else is, therefore my feelings are just that, energy that moves and flows like a wind. I feel every colour in full, I feel like my skin turns itself inside out what I’m anxious, I feel raw, I don’t feel scared… and I don’t mean I’m not trying to feel scared, I just feel scared without feeling scared. I feel scared without the thought attachment. I just feel the energy that my body was always meant to withstand. “Scared” actually feels rather cooling, when I don’t let my head get to it.

Its like a game of tug of war, between love and war.

I don’t want to start this off sad, because I am not sad, nor do I feel bad for having said illness, nor should I be made to feel that way. :) I’m a very happy chap, in fact, I’ve never been more free. Or maybe its naivety.

Surrendering to the feeling of categorising my mind, it is one. How? Hei ana. Find something that doesn’t change SO quickly, my eating changes, my thoughts change, my hobbies change, my feelings change, I’m not sure I have much of a belief system, the strength of said belief system wouldn’t be the greatest either… I find it hard for myself to sometimes start writing because its nothing like anything I have ever read, but I’ve come to the realisation that I actually don’t fucking read anything, I skim, as its hard for my eyes to keep up with the pace of my reading, looking like stars on the page lol. Sometimes, only if I put my attention on it, does it ever get worse. If this attention thing is real, why not try using it to manifest, by putting your attention on the traits, skills, mindsets and knowledge that I am lacking in order to achieve such rewards. Motivation is something I struggle with, aswell, I’m not sure if it has anything to do with my mood swings yet, mood change feels like a transition on its own, go from feeling happy to sad with no real intermission. But also motivated to zero motivation. It doesn’t just effect my feelings, it effects my physical body and it effects ‘Akayla’, it effects the character I am, it effects the ego and causes it to malfunction, it effects the safety systems I have in place, mentally, spiritually, physically and all those in between. Hei ana.

Im angry, because I’m fucking hungry and I was just about to cook, I don’t want to be in this house, ill tell you what I feel like, I feel like its a power trip and my mother is a hypocrite, says one things, does the other, treats people exactly how she doesn’t want to be treated. My mother is that kind of person. She’s not a nice girl or a kind person, thats not how you would explain my mother. She’s cut throat, possessive, mean and confusing. Those are whatever you think they are, it only matters what kind of thought attachment you have behind it, which has 100% got to do with only you. perception itself isn’t real, your thoughts and attachments and feelings make it real, your attention makes it real.

anyways. My body was make to withstand these energies, and anything that comes my way, I am capable, the more capable I am, the better the opportunity for the energy you desire, it’s sorta like a game in a way. The better you do the better you get but like one day and one step at a time, be happy in all of those moments, be calm (no fear), be present, that’s how I do better, for the world continues to spin, regardless of how anybody feels, it doesn’t effect the physical, but the mental is just as big.

I just can’t fkn get over it aye, it really fkn pisses me off when I give it attention lmao. Do better. maybe dealing with my anger that is already here will diminish the anger in the future…

Can I thank my strong feelings for my strong connection to my Māori side ?

The more I think about how bad it is, the worse it gets, I might die to keep my peace. I can put a story, a time or a person on a song, and at peak level, it hurts. There is no valid excuse to not do better, that’s just the ego trying stay alive

Trying to run away from boredom has only ever given me anxiety, something wants to be felt. The present scares me in a way I’m scared of jumping off the cliff. Writing requires a lot of thinking, but the thoughts that I have chosen given the energy in which surrounds me. Its hard for me to write, but you could never tell.

My writing even, is painful to do sometimes, most of these times have ben hard, and its not because I want to see my life in a negative, or want to have a negative time here, Its how I feel, and its okay, you must feel it, and move along life with them, instead of holding on.

#bpd #adult adhd #new blog #blogging #mental instability #mental health

[s3xtones]

omg yo i have a twin flame. it’s scary we are the exact same height. same hair colour, have the same soul in the look in our eyes. the energy between us is magnetic and intoxicating. it’s fucked up we are in ‘no contact’ right now and it’s mad because he’s recently copped my dream givenchy jeans and those fucking bat ciaga sunglasses so we have the exact same style too. it’s also scary like one of the few times i was around him the top of my head (crown chakra) was tingling like crzy!! aaand when he expressed his love by musing me and making a pair of pants inspired by me ((lmfao fashion themed cosmic love affair)) i had like a full on kundalini awakening purely off seeing the post online… his higher self always shows me specific songs when i shuffle my music and will keep trying to play the same song until i’ve listened to the lyrics so i understand how he’s feeling and where he’s at with things. the connection actually consumed my life i was so obsessed and in love with him even when i hardly knew the man. it definitely has been toxic at parts but also so pure and all encompassing like i can’t live with or without him… both of our lives have come crumbling down because we were in each others lives to trigger deep change both internal and external. it’s fucked up too because apparently he’s not ascending or doing the needed shadow work or introspection and isn’t self aware enough and still in too much ego and may never choose to change in this lifetime so i’ll probably never be with him in this lifetime and coming to terms with that fact was honestly the most wrenching thing and i’ll never cry harder than i did in those moments. he is also with a karmic soulmate currently and i can’t explain the challenges that put me through mentally too especially because the girl is so scarily similar to who i am becoming and are as a person. the dynamic of runner and chaser is so real too like i was running after him knowing what the connection meant to me and now i’m running from him knowing his not so pure intent towards me. it worries me and i question myself like surely this can’t be the other half of my soul lol feels like that one episode where rick and morty go to that spa in space and split into one toxic character and one ultra healthy character.. i don’t fully understand it but apparently my heart was meant to be broken fully open in this lifetime and he did that for me. truly triggered and activated all my gifts and my spiritual awakening and the journey is real but the obsession around it scares me too as i was a part of that naively once too.. it’s beautiful though but goes way deep. almost too deep. the telepathic communication is real too. it made me never want to move on because nothing feels like it compares but i am accepting and at peace of my destiny and i found myself and my dreams and i fell in love with everything life has to offer and god so now i am happy either way. i guess i just wanted to tell somebody who would understand because everyone around me thinks i’m just a crazy idiot when it comes to him (and i definitely was at one point) but that’s the truth . idk i guess i just wanted to share my experience with you maybe you’ll find it interesting hehe but yeah no one should envy the TF thing it’s honestly a mess and is confusing and hurts really bad but i think each experience is unique. i really feel like a wholeass woman on my own and it’s insane that the person who i love and who loves me the most put me through the most suffering. i really hope i stay as myself and never like merge with him sometimes but thats disowning a part of myself. maybe he will learn.. definitely feels like unfinished business. im just rambling at this point and i’ll probably never have an idea as to wtf is going on with it but yeah it’s also crazy like everytime i ever energetically checked in on him w tarot too he was always feeling he exact same way i was so we mirror eachother emotionally too. it’s honestly disturbing and i don’t understand it but also comforting knowing i’ll kinda never be alone in a sense.

random side notes: i really look up to you

i love checking on you and your tumblr and seeing all your realisations about life.. wise beyond your years. just a sexy cool btch 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤 meow babe

thank you for sharing your light w the world you inspire me to b a better person .

gtg bai XOXO

Bruh u made me almost cry this really shook me to the core cause like i have definitely felt this exact same thing & been thru the journey.i tried to ignore the dependency and attachment aspect but it only grows with time. To be quite frank, i loved that. i was addicted and craved it so much cause i felt like i was at home with him and to me we WORKED SO SO SO SO WELL (to me)

because i really reallyyyy understand this i have some advice

1. Cry? Yes always, however Don’t assume he doesn’t get it or is not doing the shadow work cause for u to be able to even connect and telepathically communicate with him he is receiving u and receiving is an action!! His conscious self may not know why but his Higher Self responding is the best start. (AHHHH IM SO EXCITED FOR U. THIS IS CUTE ) Also i have not gave much thought as to why but A LOT of men play dumb to their spiritual needs n abilities if they could just really sit down n SHUT THE FUCK UPPPPP THEY MAY LEARN SUMTHIN IDK. Moving on…

2.Even if y’all don’t end up together together in this lifetime, STAY FRIENDS! Pls try even if it goes against your pride, it matters so so so much nd teaches u a lot about yourself too. with this i am not encouraging u let the relationship get super unhealthy or consuming, know when to push and pull away however i believe that staying friends with him keeps the love close n mag bring about a sooner coming together whether in this lifetime or the next. Sometimes you have to be that person to be a true mirror, the reflection, the person to tell him bout himself cause if you’re really his twin flame no one knows him like you both do and God n ancestors!

3. Destruction is a form of creation. Things must fall apart before they can come back together. Twin flames are separate because of karmic debt maybe y’all just working thru that n knocking old beliefs n restrictions in all dynamics ( family, Self, community/society) to clear the soul for the future union.

Sidenote: he’s probably just with that girl because ( pls don’t be hurt by this just hear me out) yes he’s running but there is also something on your end that is unresolved, missed or hyper fixated on that caused y’all not to be on the page right now …

or he’s just being a man who is scared of real life altering commitments and communication…both could be true but don’t strss it jus laugh it’s funny! Trust. LOL at some point she is gonna notice and want to be u like nah luv serve your purpose so he can come back home to his SENSES! LOLOr she’s gonna break his heart because she reminds him so much of the best of u as well but once he’s in too deep the rude but necessary Awakening will occur.

no one can have what was predestined, meant, divinely orchestrated until that’s what y’all both want then the prophecy changes. And at that point, it’s not bout what the physical wants , it’s more of a soul contract relinquishment thing. That’s what it says in Corinthians 13:4-8 after the love never fails part. People love cutting the verse off before the REALEST LINES but that’s a different topic.

Lol everyone around u will think you’re crazy even Him at times cause they will never see life thru your Eyes. It’s okay though because being a healer is one of the most important roles, the world will always need us so stay true to what you’ve learned and continue to learn. Yes, in this moment you are an individual woman will your own path to follow, stay true to that for u n only u cause when it’s time to be with him you’ll both be ready.

right now it’s bout YOU!💜

i love u so much thanks for sharing this with me i feel like love like this is very transformative for the best. i understand and appreciate the world and myself differently now and from what i have read u do too, it’s like reading a message from my younger Self n i live for conversations like this.

luv ya! thanks again!!! my messages are always open 4 u luvvv xx <3333

#ask

[wetclits]

Pluto’s 2023 Guide To a healthy Self

In 2023, I believe that creating my appearance will help me become the woman I want to be in life. However, to look good you have to feel good! So here are some things I’ll be practicing to keep my mental , physical , spiritual , and financial health in check.

Mental Health, Do’s & Do Not’s:

Do NOT, internalize feelings for those who don’t spare yours!

DO, keep things that make you happy close to yourself, if you suffer from a weak mentality (like me) do spare yourself the drama of having others input their feelings on things that make YOU happy.

Do NOT, overthink choices you believe will be good for you. In order to grow we must take chances. If you believe said choice is what you need, then fuck it! In 2023, we must put ourselves first (speaking to the ones who provide for or live in toxic households), it’s okay to put you first. You is all you have and you have to protect yourself.

DO, separate yourself from those who make you question your confidence. Anyone who is around you that makes you feel like you’re less than what you are shouldn’t be in your presence. It’s not worth it

Do NOT, shy away from who you are to become something that someone else wants you be. Those people only want you to become something you’re not because they wish to be who you are!

DO, write down your feelings. For a person like me, I am not able to put my feelings in words during a conversation, so I often send texts or write how I feel. It’s okay to feel and be emotional but don’t internalize them. And if you are those people who can express themselves in words. Please don’t hold back. Tell the world how you feel because they’ll never know if you stay quiet. 

DO, seek therapy if you need it. I am a black girl with trauma. I know in most families, mental health is taken as a joke and I also know some of us are silenced and have to sit amongst our abusers or assaulters at family functions. So, For YOU, please go to therapy. You need to let that hurt out because if you don’t you won’t heal. Also if you are apart of the families that’ll rather silence you than face the situation! Separate yourself. It’s not worth it.

Physical Health, Do’s & Do Not’s:

Do NOT, overwork yourself. If you know when you stop drinking you should know when your body needs a break.

DO, moisturize your skin and hair!

Do NOT, vape. You do not need that shit.

DO, keep a positive mindset and attitude. If your mind is happy so is your body

DO, stretch! You’re too young to have back and knee problems (I’m talking to myself also).

DO, drink water. A lot of it, we need it.

Do NOT, let your diet only consist of snacks and fast food. Have a real meal. And eat some damn fruit!

DO, take your vitamins, I take Apple Cider vitamins, Vitamin C, Fenugreek, and Prenatal vitamins ( I am not pregnant but their basically just a multivitamin that of things essential to our bodies.

DO, exfoliate! If you don’t care for your skin while you’re young imagine how hard it will be when you’re older! We want soft skin forever.

Spiritual Health, Do’s & Do Not’s:

Do NOT, let your soul be bothered by simple things such as: men or haters.

DO, meditate. Learn who your body is on a spiritual level.

DO, try out shadow work! Shadow work is the reason I’ve become okay with who I am today. Even if it’s bad. Shadow work helps us understand and appreciate the good and bad in us. No one is perfect!

DO, Manifest! Ask for what you want and if it’s good for you it’ll come.

Do NOT, let ANYONE who gives you bad vibes into your home or room. That is your space, if they give you bad vibes in public, imagine how it’ll be in private.

DO, cleanse your space. Burn incenses, candles, use Florida water, burn sage. As an alternative for sage, my used to burn coal I’m not sure if it’s effective but it’s peaceful.

DO, pray! I know we manifest and some confuse that for praying but know that it’s important to give thanks to the entity that gives you the things you want!

Financial Health, Do’s & Do Not’s:

Do NOT, get the credit card. You don’t need it. Atleast if you’re not financially responsible! It’ll just overwhelm you and mess up your credit.

DO, if you can, I know saving / having money left over is a luxury. For those who can manage to save please do. It’s important to have a bit of money left over for emergency.

DO, set a limit for your spending / budget. Prioritize bills and responsibilities ( rent, phone, internet, traveling, groceries, utilities ) then if you can, set aside for savings and aside for YOU.

Do NOT, touch the savings. I have an entirely different bank that automatically takes money of my primary account every pay week to avoid mixing the money up. My issue is I see the money then I want to eat the money. Once you touch the savings it’s hard to stop!

DO, for those who can, set an amount to stay above in your account. Whether it’s $5, $50, $100 or $500! I believe this has taught me financial responsibility. Right now starting for staying above $100 in august I am able to manage my money in a way that I say above $500 and hopefully by February I’ll be able to stay above $700!

DO, treat yourself. We spend a lot on helping others and sometimes those who help the most don’t help themselves. If you can after you handle responsibilities, buy yourself that meal or that bag or those shoes. You deserve to use the funds you earn!

Do NOT, order out all the damn time. The goal is to save and be rich. Cook sometimes. Dine out in person, its cheaper. But do NOT, order food! The fees alone will take us out!

DO, if you want to build credit with out the cards, use third party subscriptions. I use “kikoff”, in short terms they report to credit bureaus that you got approved for a $750 credit card (you didn’t) and every month for 12 months you pay $5-$10 depending on which service you use and as long as you pay it your credit will rise. By the end of the 12 months, you’ll get the money you gave to them back also! I started in Oct 2022 with a 552 credit score now it’s December and I have a 582 credit score!

#plutopedia #plutosposts #mental health #spirituality #physical health #financial health

[linksnonbinaryass]

Getting to Know You Tag Game

Thanks for tagging me @teagrammy 😊 I love talking about myself

I’ll tag @oldfritz @arthoe-iceland @magicsuga and @dein-lieblingsdummkopf. Anyone else who would like to participate is welcome.

What book are you currently reading?

I had just finished reading Gideon the Ninth after years of seeing so much beautiful art of the skull-faced lesbians and I am in love.

What’s your favourite movie you saw in theatres this year?

I haven’t been to a movie theater in years and haven’t seen any theatrically released movies from this year at all, though there are numerous movies I want to see.

So I’ll say All Quiet on the Western Front (2022). I enjoyed it a lot, but I still prefer the 1979 version.

What do you usually wear?

Old clothes that are no longer my style but I’ve been too poor to get a new wardrobe. I still look like a miserable little teenager wearing my old skinny jeans, oversized hand-me-down tees with a hoodie and my faded work boots that I’ve worn everyday since I was 17. But that’s only when I leave the house. At home, which is where I’m mostly found, I wear baggy sweats.

How tall are you?

5 ft and 1.5 in

What’s your Star Sign? Do you share a birthday with a celebrity or a historical event?

Scorpio. Nobody I like shares my birthday and nothing particularly interesting (that I know of) occurred on my special day.

Do you go by your name or a nick-name?

Unfortunately, I only go by my incongruous name assigned at birth. I’ve always wanted a nickname but nobody around me is creative enough to give me one.

Did you grow up to become what you wanted to be when you were a child?

AHAHAHAHAHAA. Well, when I was little I wanted to become a writer and artist, and I am getting there, so that’s one thing.

Are you in a relationship? If not, who is your crush if you have one?

Nope. No matter how much I long for my better half I know I’m in no way shape or form ready for a serious relationship.

I have a massive crush on someone whose face I have never seen nor have I so much as heard their voice.

What’s something you’re good at vs. something you’re bad at?

I’m good at keeping a poker-face and I’m good at planning. I’m bad at sticking with my plans, as I tend to get distracted or lose motivation.

Dogs or cats?

Cats! Dogs I find irritating and I’m not a fan of slobber. Doesn’t mean I dislike them, I just don’t want to own one. Cats on the other hand are chill, I adore them and can’t wait to get a kitten ❤️❤️

If you draw/write, or create in any way, what’s your favourite picture/favourite line/favourite etc. from something you created this year?

There are many lines of dialogue I’ve written as well as a finished character sheet I’ve drawn that I’m proud of, but I won’t post any of it here. That I’ll save for when I’ve made a separate blog for my art and writing.

What’s something you would like to create content for?

My story. I’ve never posted anything about it yet, I need to stop procrastinating and actually draw my ocs so that I have something to post.

What’s something you’re currently obsessed with?

My ocs. I couldn’t be more obsessed with anything else, they are my world. But after reading the first book, the Locked Tomb series now occupies a little compartment in my brain as well.

What’s something you were excited about that turned out to be disappointing this year?

To finally leave the nest and start living like a functioning adult, which didn’t happen. But I do have a job where I make a little more than minimum wage, and there’s always next year.

What’s a hidden talent of yours?

I have pretty good aim, but I was never interested in sports or weapons to really hone the ability.

Are you religious?

FUCK no. Not a spiritual person either. I’m just raw dogging life, hoping for the best.

What’s something you wish to have at this moment?

No depression and $30,000 so I don’t have to stay with my parents improving my mental health and saving money for yet another year and just dip tf out with adequate savings and a healthy mind.

#tag game #my bullshit