#most acts of transphobia i have personally experienced have actually been from people in the lgbt community | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

erigold13261 · 1 year

Note

Nitpicky anon here again. If, if, the percentage of queer people was actually higher in your NSR universe, why is there so much homophobia and transphobia? (Do ignore this ask if this is annoying) (I hope I don’t sound too mean)

I think I just answered this. You just put it in different words, but I can give another answer since now you are using the word "percentage" which has sparked an idea in me. HERE'S the other answer though so you can also read.

Quick recap though: There's "so much" bigotry because we are seeing it through the lens of queer people. Almost all queer people have seen or been the target of bigotry (from microaggressions to hate crimes). So it just feels like there is a TON of it because it is important aspect of these character's stories. Also the fact that there will always be some kind of hate in the world, both cishets and queer people can be bigots, so homophobia and transphobia will still happen.

Okay, but to go back to the "percentage" thing from your ask. I think you might be under a misconception about just how much queer people are in my NSR universe.

There's no way to know for sure how many people identify as queer in our world. We can't ask everyone and some people who "act queer" might not identify as any kind of queerness even though they could fit under a label (such as straight people who are sometimes attracted to the same gender, or people who are GNC but don't identify as any kind of queer).

There are estimates that about 3-10% of the whole world identifies as queer. Meaning that it could be more with people not asked/do not identify even though they fit the "criteria" for queerness.

What I think you might believe the percentage of queer people in my NSR universe might be anywhere from 75-90%. Maybe more maybe less. And yes, if that was the case, that would be a LOT of queer people and I can see why you might think bigotry should be either extinct or at least a lot less common.

However, I never had the idea that queer people would be the majority of the world population, though still more than our world. So NSR would probably have a population of 25-35% queer people, or somewhere around that percent range. They are still a minority, but still more than what we have.

This is why there is still bigotry and homophobia in the NSR universe. Just like our world, some places are better and safer than others, while others are places to stay absolutely clear from if you even "look" a little bit queer.

Plus, like I said earlier and in the other post, we are seeing these acts of bigotry from the view point of queer people. A cishet person is not going to experience queer bigotry against them most of the time (unless they "look or act" queer) so if we followed Martha or Matvey's life, we would almost never see then experience any kind of bigotry related to queerness. For the most part.

We do see Martha experience transphobia and some homophobia from her family after people learn that Neon is trans. Though it is not directed mainly at Martha. This means that throughout Martha's life, she has experienced FAR less queer bigotry compared to Neon, who is a queer person.

Having a story with a lot of queer people means there are going to be a lot more stories of bigotry to go through than if it was a group of cishet people. It's basically like... selection bias? I think that's the one. Or it might be availability bias?

Either way, the reason why we think there is a LOT of bigotry is because the sample group we have is made predominantly of queer people. So of course it LOOKS like there is a lot of bigotry still happening in the world, as it does happen to queer people.

I haven't watched anymore than one episode of RuPaul's Drag Race, but my queer studies professor has and explained how some seasons get very heavy in the topic of bigotry these drag queens have experienced. Almost all of them have had some kind of horror story to share with each other.

Which makes it look like there is a LOT of bigotry in the world. But that is because we are seeing it from the perspective of queer or GNC people. And yes, any kind of bigotry is a lot, but that doesn't mean that every queer person is absolutely going to experience bigotry because of their queerness. At least not to the same extent of hate crimes and legislation pushed against them.

It's also worth pointing out that, just like the drag queens, the NSR characters come from all around the world. There are going to be some places that are more accepting than others depending on all sorts of factors.

Nova came from a pretty small town but almost everyone was accepting of them because they cared more for them than hated the idea of something new. While Neon lived close to a city that sometimes made it dangerous to be out an proud. Mama was in an upscale community most of the time and a rural area the rest. Both were accepting of her when it came to queerness (though her plant/snake half were not as accepted). And then Tatiana was in a decently sized town/city that basically hated her but her boarding school couldn't give a shit as long as she kept it kinda like "don't ask don't tell" kind of deal.

All of this to say, bigotry is still going to a thing, and it's going to seem like a lot when looked at through the eyes of queer people. Not every queer person is going to have to live their life in constant fear of being hate crimed, but also not every queer person can just come out and be happy with who they are without some kind of backlash.

People can be horrible, especially to people they see as threats, different, or the unknown. So even if there was like 75-90% queer people, that isn't going to stop bigotry. Especially since queer people can also be homophobic or transphobic (and other phobics). There's always going to be a "reason" to hate people that are different than you, all we can do is try to work together to survive and fight back.

#nsr #eritalks #noart #asks #hope this answers your question #though i thought the last one did #i am glad you restructured your question #as i was able to go into a whole different aspect #of my world that i haven't delved into much #or at least i feel like i haven't #lol

3 notes · View notes

moodybluemood · 2 years

Text

Hello and welcome!

In all honesty, I don’t know how much I’ll post on this account but I wanted a place to post random writing thoughts and maybe snippets of things I don’t want to post on AO3. I’ve had previous blogs in the past but I wanted a fresh start, all shiny and new, and I wanted a writing space that wasn’t so unmeshed with personal posts. This is all in the pursuit of keeping a happy headspace.

Anyway, if you’re here from AO3 and you probably are because I haven’t linked this anywhere else, let me answer a few things.

Are you still writing your fics?

The answer is yes, largely. Have I updated any of them in the past year? No. I’ll get to that in a bit. But am I working on them? Death Is Not The End has several chapters I’m currently writing at once and There Is A Town is actively being continued. I don’t have any intentions on stopping, even if I sometimes crawl to a halt. As for other JJBA fics, I am very slowly finishing most of them. The only one I’ve discarded for certain is a post-breakup Promaggio fic because I wound up taking them in a vastly different direction and I actually yanked a lot of my prior Prosciutto characterization for Bruno. La Squadra Special Mission is on hiatus for the foreseeable future but I won’t say it’s abandoned just yet. I no longer have Word and it’s a pain writing it on other platforms. More importantly, I honestly have not been in the brainspace to write something like that for a long time and I don’t know when, if ever, I’ll get that back. It might be a relic of an older sense of humor, I don’t know. I haven’t read it in a long time and I don’t know if it’d reflect something I’d write today.

Do you plan on interacting with the fandom much?

I don’t know. We’ll see. I got into Jojo’s Bizarre Adventures as a distraction from something terrible in my life, I started writing JJBA fic in a bizarre attempt to cope with something that might be obvious if you’ve ever read 90% of my work, and I latched too hard emotionally on aspects of the fandom despite interacting very little with it. It wasn’t the healthiest. It got to the point that I was angry and stressed all the time and it got to the point where it triggered mild paranoia. There were other reasons too. It killed most of my motivation to write. I had to take a step back and reevaluate how I interact or don’t interact with the Internet. I am making active attempts to form social connections but I am also making active attempts to not poke around too much with fandom as a general concept. Fandom in general is a refuge for people who might be experiencing hard times in their life but it’s also something that can easily become unhealthy.

Why did your fic updates slow down so much?

I started writing fic in late 2018 and then I started posting the bulk of my fic in earnest in 2019. Most of my work revolves around death and grieving. Both are ultimately tied up in the reasons why I write; to a certain extent, I have really only written when I’ve been grieving something, even if it wasn’t a death.

So then, 2020. You know the drill. Some people I spoke to suddenly vanished and I don’t have closure there. I suddenly worked strange hours all by myself and then I was thrust back into working in an office full-time way before I should’ve been back. Coworkers I could previously tolerate became radicalized and I listened to a nonstop brigade of general dumbassery about the virus and blatant homophobia & transphobia. When you’re stressed and upset all the time, the very act of writing frustrates you.

2021. My mom got sick. She’s better now, though she just got over her second bout of covid and she might not ever be where she was at before, but it’s the sort of thing that really punches you in the gut. A month or so later, I went to a doctor’s appointment for an ear infection and came out with the idea that I might have a thyroid issue. This somehow turned into an entire year of what seemed like nonstop medical appointments. Last year, I had:

A thyroid ultrasound

A heart ultrasound

An ultrasound of my carotid artery

A leg ultrasound for reasons I don’t even know, honestly

A CT scan

A visit to an endocrinologist who dismissed me in three minutes while barely looking at my records

Two breast ultrasounds

Two mammograms

God knows how many vials of blood drawn

Some other embarrassing things

And some stuff I’m probably forgetting

I spent a good chunk of the past year thinking I probably had cancer. The end diagnosis? A tumor that probably isn’t cancer, a heart that pumps blood a little weird, and as for anyone else, all my other weird findings were literally never following up on. It was a lot of money spent and a lot of stress.

I think you can see why I didn’t want to write about death.

The good thing is that I finally started medication for some things that have been ruining my life. I take an anti-anxiety medicine that helps with my ADHD and anxiety. I can talk to people now. I don’t constantly think about all the embarrassing things in my life anymore. I’ve finally been able to take initiative to leave bad situations and move towards things I want in life. I still have a lot of issues and maladaptive behavior I’m trying to unlearn, but I’m doing okay now. Life is a lot better. I moved in with my SO, I’m a dog step-parent, and I’m happier than I ever been.

I think I feel okay to write fic now. I’m not writing it for the same reasons. I’m writing it for the fun of it now.

What’s the deal with Blixa Bagna?

Okay, now that we got that out of the way, let me tell you what the people really want to know. He was never supposed to be in any of my fics except for a few mentions here or there. However, someone was a dick to me once about putting an OC in my fic, so I decided that any time someone complained about Blixa or I saw a post complaining about OCs, I would simply put him in the fic more. Blixa’s not my self-insert actually because if he was my self-insert, he’d be with Tomoko instead of Risotto. He’s just a goth joke that got wildly out of hand and now he’s a blorbo from my head whose characterization changes a ton over the course of writing.

Anything else to share?

One of these days, I’m going to make an alternate account. It will have no ties to my main writing account. I will post the most batshit fic ever and leave. You’ll never know.

Anyway, there you go. Might wind up posting on this a lot, might only post a little. We’ll see.

11 notes · View notes

friendlyneighbourhoodspider · 10 months

Text

Pedophiles, Nazis, and ‘The Gays’

TW: Sexual assault, fascism, homophobia/transphobia/etc.

It’s close to the end of Pride month! Alternatively, for some purposes, Homophobia/Transphobia Awareness Month. Stochastic terrorism continues to rear its ugly head in the good ol’ US of A, robbing numerous beautiful members of our national community of their lives. Furthermore, there seems to be an appalling amount of sympathy for those who continue to propagate this antisocial carnage. The powers that be on the internet surely have an interest in magnifying the most sensational – hence, nastiest - perspectives; yet whatever disproportionate magnification of these views is occurring, any amount of approval north of zero for hate crimes is appalling.

Gay people are (still) being threatened physically for the mere fact of their existence, and some people seem ambivalent, or even pleased about it. Further, if even Columbine, Sandy Hook, Uvalde, and an emphatically resentful et cetera, were insufficient to encourage a collective agreement within our country to lay down the bulk of our deadly weaponry for the benefit of our neighbours’ safety, it seems tragically even less likely that meaningful preventative strategies will gain the political support that any of these homophobic atrocities plead with us to lend such policies. In this case, however, even the very value of the lives lost is not, for some abominable reason, even universally presumed in the public consensus. But I do not need to elaborate on this any further. It is evil to condone hate crimes. I would like to explore a portion why some people seem to do so anyways.

Immediate disclaimers: (1) I hope to explore possible reasonsfor which someone might choose to justify, condone, or even perpetrate homophobic hate crimes. This is absolutely not an attempt to ethically justify or excuse such behaviour. (2) Rivers of ink have been spilled about how we ought to engage with terrible, harmful ideas without platforming/promoting them. I will do my best to write responsibly, by referring to more comprehensive resources as authoritative guides.

With these premises of our discussion asserted, we can begin in earnest. One way to discover a person’s motivations is to ask them, ‘what are your motivations?’ Some have publicly expressed unfounded concerns about ‘pedophiles’ and ‘groomers’ engaged in sexual abuse, sometimes with the alleged support of substantial institutions. Now as unpalatable as it may be, I believe one may stand to learn at least a little from a dedicated dissection of this baldly ridiculous reasoning. The relevant premises are despite appearances, somewhat involved:

i) LGBTQ+ identities entail a higher-than-average risk of pedophilic inclinations

ii) People who have such identities, experiencing pedophilia, often choose to act on it in an abusive manner

Conclusion I) Therefore, LGBTQ+ friendly institutions, by supporting such community members, aid and abet the aforementioned abuse, either wittingly or unwittingly, in at least some instances.

iii) It is important to prevent sexual assault

Conclusion II) Therefore, it is important to prevent sexual assault condoned and/or abetted by LGBTQ+ friendly institutions

iv) The basic rights of sexual abusers are generally superseded by a communal responsibility to protect their potential and/or actual victims

Conclusion III) Therefore, any and all means of ‘prevention’ as established in Conclusion II) are permissible.

v) Mass murder is an effective means of disrupting the actions of a community or institution

Now I can’t bring myself to state the relevant conclusions here explicitly, even as a paraphrase of a speculated view. I hope its basic horrendous nature is clear enough for all practical purposes.

Why is this reasoning at all interesting? Premise i) is patently absurd, and without it, the whole thing falls apart like a house of cards. However, another interesting premise is iv), and its support of conclusion III). It is interesting because of its appeal to related, more popular ethical convictions: for example that capital punishment can be an appropriate criminal sentence, especially in as far as the right to life of a known murderer may be seen as subordinate to, according to some arguments, the rights of others to safety from such violence. Most importantly, however, premise iv) represents a breed of dangerous political rhetoric that pops up in the context of many different political issues, including both sexual assault and fascism. The current extreme example may serve to illuminate the features and functionality of such rhetoric, making it easier to spot and (if necessary) avoid going forwards.

We can first seek to understand how this rhetoric works, and the limited, specific sense in which criticizing a political opponent as pedophilic can serve a similar function to criticizing a political opponent as fascist. The qualifier of ‘limited and specific’ is crucial, and will be elaborated shortly. To begin, however, the essential feature of this rhetoric is to encourage dismissal of some political opponent’s interests on the grounds that they embody some form of ‘pure capital-E Evil’, often identified as either a perpetrator of sexual violence (particularly against children), or as a supporter of fascist, race-supremacist, or other political ideology commonly seen as distasteful. In the right circles, an accusation of ‘communism’ or indeed ‘post-modern cultural neo-marxism’ will work just as well. To be clear, the present discussion does not seek to argue against the honest identification of criminals or misguided demagogues, but to focus on the dangers of such identification when performed dis-honestly.As stated previously, it is a particularly glaring issue when this identification is employed to encourage the dismissal of a political opponent’s views out of hand, without any further interrogation.

Even this purpose, however, may have limited justifiable uses. A person’s actual involvement in sexual violence is always a relevant grain of salt to take alongside any of their commentary regarding related topics, such as gender politics. A person’s public support for genuine white supremacist fascism can and should make anyone think twice before agreeing with them in any political sphere. These are not dangerous rhetorical precautions. The danger in these categorizations arises especially, of course, when the categorization of ‘fascist’ or ‘pedophile’ or whatever other label is not actually warranted. This is a particularly significant problem for accusations of fascism, because accepting a person’s views and attitudes as fascist genuinely requires one to adopt a rather hostile attitude towards them both rhetorically and personally. While such misidentification is also a problem for accusations of pedophilia, this latter version of the rhetorical tactic suffers much more strongly from the problem of exaggerated implications.

Even if a person experiences pedophilia, they are presumably as capable as anyone else of choosing not to commit any crimes on a daily basis, and therefore it is counterproductive vilify them outside the standard bounds of reasonable criminal justice. Further, even ifone accepts the ethical and legal legitimacy of capital punishment as a criminal sentence, it is clear that even the most heinous perpetrator of sexual violence deserves protection under the law from extrajudicial murder. There may be some anarchists out there opposed to the state’s monopoly on lethal violence, but for now I will not spend the words necessary to address the views of this apparent political minority. Taking the above premises as given, we find the applications of rhetoric concerning supposed pedophilia within the LGBTQ+ community to in many cases be much more unreasonably exaggerated than comparable applications of rhetoric concerning purported fascism within various political groups. Simply put, people are not committing (or even really advocating) mass murders against suspected nazis. They are not even murdering actual card-carrying members of the KKK (to be clear: I would not condone such acts). Accusations of fascism in the USA will at worst alienate you from the nation’s liberal majority. Accusations of pedophilia, particularly in association with a non-heteronormative sexual or gender identity, will at worst get you murdered.

There is another key distinction between accusations of fascism (or other political ideologies seen as distasteful) and accusations of pedophilia as they are applied in American political discourse: one can always choose not to agree with fascism anymore, but one can’t choose to stop experiencing pedophilia. If I believe you to be a neo-nazi, I can change my mind with relative ease if I witness enough speech indicating your disagreement with fundamental nazi ideals. Furthermore, it will be very difficult for me to maintain my belief in the face of such persistent disavowals. If I believe you to be a pedophile, there is relatively little you can do to convincingly and conclusively demonstrate otherwise, especially if it would be very convenient for my politics that this be true. This mirrors the more general contrast between fascist and anti-fascist rhetoric identified via Abigail Thorne’s Youtube channel: “if you’re a fascist, and antifascists [threaten] you, you have a choice...you could just go on with the rest of your life and stop turning up to fascist rallies...But if you’re a person of colour, if you’re trans or a person with a disability, or gay or jewish or whatever and fascists [threaten] you there is nothing you can do that will make them happy except stop existing.” Fascist rhetoric is therefore served uniquely well in the face of an audience unwilling to protect the fundamental rights of any group, pedophiles or otherwise, as long as the targets of the fascists can, however tenuously, be equated with whatever political scapegoats are du jour.

To sum up, even if it were true that members of the LGBTQ+ community are disproportionately pedophilic (it is not), and even if it were true that this community and the institutions that support it enable them to perpetrate sexual violence (it is not), hate crimes against them would still be just as evil as they actually are. The violent bigots are wrong. In other news, the Pope is Catholic. But the rhetoric that supports the dangerous perspectives in question is informative in as far as it plays a game of identity politics whereby the Bad(tm) individuals must be entirely ostracized from society because their Badness is seen to be innate, incorrigible, and explicitly dangerous. We can use this example to identify risks in similar kinds of rhetoric in discussions around adherents to fascist and communist ideas. As elaborated previously, the parallel is admittedly not perfect. Nevertheless, if we are serious about building a more just society, we must attempt the difficult task of resisting the harmful ideologies that surround us, without succumbing to the temptation of arbitrary in-group/out-group dichotomies. The neo-nazis are sure to win from the start if we agree to play by their rules.

Resources Re: Engaging with extremist ideology

Inuendo Studios on a pertinent alt-right rhetorical tactic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmVkJvieaOA

An Argument for rhetorical deplatforming: http://www.mountholyokenews.com/opinion/2021/10/10/debating-the-alt-right-is-counterproductive

Responding to concerns about infringing ‘free speech’: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2017/feb/27/free-speech-debate-milo-yiannopoulos-alt-right-censorship

Mx. Thorne on the choice available to fascists, but unavailable to the targets of their abuse: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bgwS_FMZ3nQ&t=1627s

#antifascism #homophobia #transphobes #politics #vio

1 note · View note

intersapphic · 3 years

Text

I am not in support of the label bi-lesbian

This might come as a shock to some, but since I’ve noticed this label become more popular I’ve decided that I need to make this clear and set a boundary that if you are in favor of bi/mspec-lesbians that I do not want you to interact with this blog or me.

At some point in history, lesbian was a term that implied a behavior and not an identity, same goes for bisexual. I’m not saying that the term lesbian was never applicable to bi wlw, but both of our communities have worked incredibly hard to make bisexual and lesbian distinct labels and not descriptors of behavior which pathologized our attraction and implied that the “behavior” could be corrected.

The wlw community already has a hard enough time addressing biphobia and lesbphobia within ourselves, by reducing our sexualities again to behavior and not powerful and specific identities it makes it almost impossible to call out when we are experiencing lateral-violence. If bisexual and lesbian are basically the same we are losing the language to properly talk about our demographics specific needs and differences, and I believe those differences need to be recognized and in the right circumstances, celebrated.

I will not speak for bisexuals, but as a lesbian I need this label to communicate my specific boundary that my sexuality and who I wish to engage with does not include men. Lesbian as an identity that excludes men from my romantic, sexual, and otherwise intimate interactions with people is one that I need, and I am allowed to describe myself in this way. If you believe other people have the right to do that with their identities, to describe the specifics of their identity, then it is pure lesbphobia to say that lesbians cannot.

More than that, I see that this label has the potential to affect real life resources and statistics on violence that bisexuals and lesbians face, especially for bi women where the rates for domestic violence and homelessness are high. Without the language to address their specific needs, it impacts how resources are distributed. As someone who has worked in and is active in the field of Mental Health, Addictions, and aiding the unhoused, this is not something that I can stand by.

The label bi-lesbian and variants of that is also very loosely defined, over the past three years I have seen people define it in multiple incredibly biphobic, lesbphobic, and more importantly transphobic ways (often very trans misogynistic). Because of the rampant transphobia I have seen come from this label, the reactiveness and hostility that I have seen from its supporters without even a hint of being open to listening and caring for the needs of everyone else in the community, I am now stating a boundary that you do not interact with me. If you send hate, if you reply or comment in a hostile way, it will be deleted and/or ignored.

I understand that me posting this comes at the risk of harassment, but I need to set this boundary and show trans people, bisexuals, and lesbians that have been harmed by this label that I stand with them, and to everyone else that I won’t be silent as I see people act in the most careless and hostile ways in the name of inclusivity while they are actually running people out. I do not think all bi-lesbian supporters are bad people and I think this is a very difficult time to process so much different information about wlw communities, but I still ask that you do not interact because of my personal safety and comfort.

And before anyone comes at my throat, I am literally a multi-gender 2-Spirit intersex person. I understand very intimately the way sexuality and gender can be difficult and will not take kindly especially to cisgender or white people trying to explain this to me. I do not care if you block (in fact I prefer it if you are going to vague post about me), and I do not care if you unfollow. I care more about this being a space place for bisexuals and lesbians and trans people who are harmed by the label.

Obviously there’s so much more to this, there’s so much misinfo going around and different definitions and statements put out there as “facts” that it would be impossible to address all of it, but I really encourage you to do some real thinking and listen to bisexuals and lesbians who talk about how biphobic and lesbphobic this is.

#ask to tag #this is fine to add on to and reblog if you’ve also been harmed by the label #find again tag

1K notes · View notes

kazuwhora · 2 years

Text

LETS TALK ABOUT GASLIGHTING & TRANSPHOBIA

If you’re any kind of minority and you’re reading this, you’ve probably been gaslit by an oppressor at some point in your life, and you can likely relate to what I’m going to be talking about. It’s the unfortunate reality of living as a minority, whether it is a racial minority, ethnic minority, gender and sexuality minority, mental illness, neurodivergency, you name it, gaslighting has been involved.

First, let’s start off by defining gaslighting. What IS gaslighting? As much as I despise most media outlets, Vox actually put it out there pretty well.

“In the vernacular, the phrase “to gaslight” refers to the act of undermining another person’s reality by denying facts, the environment around them, or their feelings. Targets of gaslighting are manipulated into turning against their cognition, their emotions, and who they fundamentally are as people.” (Stern, 2019)

That’s great, but what is gaslighting in terms of minorities?

Buckle up, this is going to be a long one.

Gaslighting a minority is what happens when the oppressor (whoever that may be, give it white people, cis people, etc..) twists the narrative on the minority party, making them believe that they are isolated and alone in their feelings, therefore attempting to excuse the behaviour of the gaslighter and justify their beliefs and actions.

Gaslighters don’t always realize they are gaslighting, however. Oftentimes, gaslighting is a defense mechanism used when someone is called out or facing controversy where the first instinct is to defend themselves. However, that does not excuse nor does it validate the actions of that person or their views.

Lets take a look at some examples of gaslighting I have recently experienced.

For reference, I am a 2Spirit (I often used genderfluid interchangeably for people who do not know what 2Spirit is) and confronted someone about their writing of non-cisgender content. In turn, I was gaslit into believing that I was overreacting and that I do not speak for the whole community and that I should just move on. Here are some direct examples of manipulation. For privacy reasons, I will not be posting the user’s url in these screenshots, however if you feel unsafe and uncomfortable with the actions/words/belief of this individual and would like to block them for your own comfort and safety, please don’t hesitate to DM me. My goal here is not to expose, it is merely to create a safe space on this platform for me, and my many followers and mutuals who struggle with their gender and identity as a non-cis person, and of course, allies. This conversation is about how manipulation occurs to excuse transphobia and dismiss taking accountability, and not to expose someone. I have cropped many of the messages to include only statements relevant to this topic, but of course if there is anything you feel like is conflicting and you want to see the bigger picture and/or my responses, please feel free to ask and I will show. Again, my aim here is to spread awareness and education for those of us who may fall victim to subtle manipulation tactics in order to (attempt) to create a safe space for as many people as possible.

The first example I want to show, is the initial stages of gaslighting. When confronted with wrongdoing, it is very common for gaslighters to deflect the validity of the argument, and incorporate elements of self validation in order to make the other party feel like they are being unreasonable. That can look like this:

It can also look like this:

“We just have a difference of opinions, you have yours and I have mine. There is nothing wrong with that”

As well as:

“We are all allowed to have our own opinions and thoughts”

This is what I refer to as passive manipulation, in that they are beginning their tactics off by being passive as to not light an immediate combative response from the other party. As an analogy, I like to use the frog reference. If you put a frog in a pot of boiling water, it will jump out immediately, but if you put a frog in a pot of cold water and slowly bring it to a boil, it is likely to stay longer before jumping out. That is the case in passive manipulation situations. The gaslighter knows that if they immediately begin their defense with intense outright gaslighting, the other party will recognize the problems with their argument and won't submit to the manipulation as easily. Again, all of this can be done subconsciously on the part of the gaslighter.

The next example I’m going to show you, is what happens when gaslighters are shown resistance even after their first attempt. This is a second stage elevation of manipulation, meant to further get into someone’s mind to plant guilt and doubt. In cases like this, the gaslighter will try to put on an “understanding” front in an attempt to show their “consideration” for you. In terms of being genderqueer in any form, this is particuarly frustrating as often times approaching things like gender identity are vulnerable and often very secretive to begin with, depending on where you are in your journey. That is why this stage or this element of manipulation is so easy to give in to— the person makes you feel like they care, that they are considerate, and that they want you to be happy. In reality, the person only wants you to think this is the case, so they can continue to justify their thoughts and actions. This typically happens with parents and other family members when they are gaslighting their children who are struggling with gender identity.

In my case, it can look like this:

However it can also look like this:

“You know we love and care about you— we do want what’s best for you”

“We just want what’s best for you”

These statements are typically followed up with a “but”, or something along those lines.

Something that often comes as an offshoot of both of these paths of manipulation, is the undermining of the effect of their words.

Such as follows:

By stating that what they are saying is just going to come off as inflammatory no matter what only deflects the blame from the person perpetrating the harm, and puts it on the shoulders of the person or group being affected.

This is also commonly seen in parents, as well as in relationships where it can present as:

“You’re overreacting”

And

“You’re very upset right now and nothing I say is going to get through to you”

Statements like these are meant to undermine the victim’s feelings, and shift the blame from the person causing the harm while at the same time working to anger and upset the victim even more, sometimes to the point where they start to believe the words being said because now, they are upset beyond what they were before it was said.

As we move down the ladder of manipulation, the next step is where the manipulator will attempt to reinforce that they do, in fact, know what you’re saying. That they understand. They will often use the previous offshoot as a means of validating their position by reinforcing their statements with more accusations of overreaction and competitiveness, when in reality the victim is in their right for being upset.

This example encompasses all of what I just mentioned, where the manipulator will try their best to come off as reasonable in order to try and convince the victim that they are in the wrong for having an issue in the first place.

This can also manifest as such:

“I love you— we are family and nothing will change that, but I can tell you’re upset right now and you’re taking it out on me when you shouldn’t”

As you can probably tell, this combines both manipulation techniques in an attempt to really convince the other party of their invalid emotions which in reality, are very, very valid.

In terms of transphobia and other issues such as racism, this can look like people stating that:

“Well, you don’t speak for the entire community”

“Someone who is (insert your minority group here) is fine with it, so it’s not your problem to worry about”

Finally, the last resort of a manipulator who has been unsuccessful or is just desperate, is to resort to being defensive and combative. This is often when they will slip up and let their true thoughts out in the open, as they are driven truly by frustration and desperation because they can’t admit they are wrong, or can’t get you to submit.

This will look like a more frenzied version of their original stance. Here is an example, in context with my experience:

In closing of the conversation, they will try to “be the bigger person” as such:

Here, the manipulator will show their true colours by drawing connections to things that are unrelated, just as they will often to in the beginning to deflect the harm and the blame. They will often use other examples to try and justify their actions, however they fail to realize that they have only worsened in their beliefs. This actually happens a lot with people who are anti-vaxx and anti-mask, that begin by presenting more timid stances until they realize their logic is being challenged, at which point they will finally give in to their full opinions, and therefore expose themselves for the actions/thoughts the victim was pointing out in the beginning.

As you can see, I have included many levels and examples of gaslighting when it comes to being a minority group, and like me, many of you have likely experienced this at least once in your life.

But how can you stop this?

The long and the short of it is, you can’t. Gaslighters will always be around, and manipulation will never cease to exist. I hope however, that through my examples and explanations, you can learn to see when you’re being gaslit and act accordingly.

But how do you act?

Well, everyone is different. It is unlikely that you will ever be able to get a gaslighter to think rationally and logically. In these cases, preserve yourself, Withdraw, don’t engage further. Confide in a friend who can validate you, or a third party to read the situation. And always save screenshots! Gaslighters love using the lack of evidence against you to gaslight you even more after the fact!

In conclusion, gaslighting is a very real strategy that people will use to invalidate minorities, and in terms of people who fall under the LGBTQ+ community, oftentimes it is family and people you thought as friends who will do this. I hope that this has been somewhat informational, and somewhat of a little reminder of what gaslighting is. I also hope that if you’re reading this, you’ll be able to pick up your own tendencies of gaslighting and stop them when you can. It happens more often than you think— gaslighting doesn’t always have to be a result of a big serious issue!

Anyways, stay safe friends. Curate safe spaces for your friends and family, and always hold yourself accountable when you’re being called out or educated by someone who is a part of that minority group.

I hope this was helpful!

— KC

#tw: discourse #cw: discourse #tw: transphobia #cw: transphobia #tw: gaslighting #cw: gaslighting #tw: manipulation #cw: manipulation #transphobia #gaslighting #manipulation #discourse #transphobia awareness

110 notes · View notes

ablednt · 3 years

Text

Actually helpful advice for the kids on this hellsite

Once again tired of "don't make a carrd or tell people your triggers" posts going around literally telling kids it's Dangerous to set boundaries. So here's what I've learned in my teen years on how to stay safe in the hellscape that's the internet.

Identity

You don't have to link all your social media together but you can if you want to. Don't give out something that is more private (like discord account, Skype or zoom account, facebook, Snapchat etc.) publicly or to people who aren't familiar with yet though.

Use a nickname rather than your real name or birth name, an account and name change may unfortunately be necessary so if you want to keep a name safe or use it irl then don't attach it to public social media. This can be fun though! Go apeshit coming up with different aliases and names! Call yourself lizard if you want to!

The only thing you absolutely need to put somewhere on your account (or carrd) is that you're a minor. You don't have to give the exact age but I promise this is important because even if there's plenty of context clues that you're a minor if you don't indicate this somewhere clear and adults start treating you like shit you need to be able to point out that they're knowingly doing this to a minor. That has saved me from gross bullshit a lot. Yes, people should default to treating people who's ages they don't know as a minor to play it safe but the majority of people assume everyone is the same age as them so you need to make it clear you're not an adult.

Pronouns don't make you identifiable and anyone who acts like putting your pronouns in your bio is unsafe is probably transphobic lmao. You don't have to if you don't want to (and don't mind people not using/knowing your pronouns) but it's safe to put them there most of the time. (The only exception I can think of is if you're closeted and your parents may find your account but in that case you should probably stay closeted online to unless you feel safe/know they aren't likely to find your account.)

You don't have to list every privilege you have and you probably shouldn't but if you're white you probably should indicate this somewhere. This is to hold yourself accountable because yes even teenagers can be racist and underaged people of color also deserve to feel safe. If you're nonwhite and don't feel safe doing so you don't have to list your race or ethnicity.

If you're part of a system/plural or questioning you do NOT have to say your systems origins, if you have DID/OSDD, or list your headmates/alters. The system community has a lot of people in it (and singlets adjacent to parts of the community due to bullshit discourse groups welcoming them) who will target underaged systems to fakeclaim them or harass them etc. I suggest having everyone use aliases/nicknames on a system account and you only tell your origin to people you feel comfortable around and safe with. Your safety and privacy is more important than your trendy system carrd goals I promise!

You shouldn't really just list any disorders you have but it really does no harm to put marginalized identities you're proud of on a carrd or in your bio. You might get a shitty anon or two but I promise people aren't going to dox you if you say you're autistic on your carrd or something.

I personally wouldn't list any special interests that are particularly recognizable (popular media should be ok but more niche stuff may not be) or publicly share a kin list just because you never know if you'll want to switch up your identity online to feel safe and the more things are clearly tied to your current nickname and handle the harder it will be to do this. However if you feel safe doing so it's not the end of the world. Just be careful about it and don't feel pressured to give more info than you're comfortable giving.

You do NOT need to tell people your trauma in order to tell them your triggers. If you need something tagged with a tw you really should indicate this somewhere so people know to tag it (unless you intend to send every you're mutuals with an anon with what to tag which is also an option but may be difficult) but you shouldn't tell them your trauma or medical history to justify it. Your boundaries aren't up for debate and you have nothing to prove. You should only talk about your trauma if you feel safe doing so (and even then please don't give identifiable details like.names of people involved or specifics as that can cause serious problems.)

Boundaries & etiquette

DNIs are good! BYFs are good! Anyone who tells you that they're not good or useful is absolutely trying to disrespect your and other people's boundaries. You can and should make a DNI and list the people you don't want to interact with. (Generally it's better to say groups rather than specific people or names because it's easier to again not be recognized if you need to change accounts/aliases but you can do this if you have strong reasoning and absolutely have to to feel safe.)

DNIs (and also.trigger lists) don't have to all be bad things! You can put fandoms that make you uncomfortable, things that trigger you but aren't bad inherently, etc. on these lists. They're about helping you feel safe not having the hottest takes or being the most morally correct.

Some people you should put in your DNIs as a minor are proshippers/anti-antis and MAPs. Both of these groups have been proven time and time again to groom minors online so the earlier you get away from them the better.

Once you have your DNI please do be aggressive in reinforcing it! Block people who break your DNI, tell people who complain about your DNI to fuck off! Do not tolerate people trying to debate the boundaries You have set this is your corner of the internet to feel safe! They can go somewhere else! Being blocked by a kid on the internet is not the emotional blow abusers act like it is. You're not mean for having boundaries please internalize this and stand up for yourself!

If other people have a DNI you need to check that before following them this is for both your own safety and theirs. If you're unsure what something on someone's DNI means ask around to find out before following just in case.

Do NOT get involved in discourse! This doesn't mean you can't ever take part in or boost serious things. Discussing/calling out bigotry (racism, ableism, transphobia, etc.) isn't discourse. Sometimes callout posts for legitimately harmful people is necessary so that's not automatically bad. But I'm taking about the shit that's #discourse. Stay out of ace discourse. Stay away from syscourse. Don't debate with terfs or transmeds or shitty people. I know it seems like it'd be cathartic to win debates with shitty people, I know there's people who will try to bait you into the latest argument over which lgbt+ identities can say what slurs or whatever the fuck the pointless bad faith argument is, and I know you want to prove that your marginalized identity doesn't make you a bad person like bigots say it does. But as someone who's mental health was absolutely destroyed by discourse as a teen it's not worth it. By all means discuss issues as they arise, broaden your perspectives and horizons, etc. but don't engage knowingly in discourse it will save you so much trouble in the long run.

Try to avoid talking to adults 1x1 if you can avoid it! It's okay to dm with an adult you feel safe talking to sometimes and while it's certainly okay not to interact with adults at all if you don't feel.comfortable it's generally okay to do so. But if an adult is going out of their way to consistently talk to you in private needlessly that can be a red flag. If an adult tries to insinuate that they're the only adult around you can trust that's DEFINITELY a red flag. Basically talk to people in places you can easily involve others if needs be. If someone sends you a dm that makes you uncomfortable screenshot it in case you need to show someone etc.

Don't discuss NSFW things with adults, in spaces adults have easy access to (for example a discord server open to all ages), or even with other underaged people who haven't indicated they're comfortable with it. There's nothing inherently wrong with being aware of nsfw stuff or experiencing sexual attraction as a teenager but it's very important that you don't put yourself in situations that may be unsafe for you or others. Most good discord servers have rules against this for this exact reason. Now, to make it abundantly clear, if you did or do ever say something nsfw and an adult takes advantage of this or responds in a way that makes you uncomfortable this is NOT your fault! The responsibility falls on adults to act appropriately but it's still a good idea to keep youeself out of harms way.

That's basically it on a general level. Once again, posts telling you not to make DNIs or carrds or trigger lists (all used to set clear boundaries) are very suspect and either grossly misunderstand how these things work or are intentionally demonizing them in order to have more opportunity it excuse to do harm. Setting clear boundaries is good. Doing things that help you feel safe and respected is good. Just don't go and get involved in discourse or give out personal information or anything.

#online safety #internet safety #DNIs #carrd #actuallyautistic #actuallyplural #long post #grooming tw #ask to tag

122 notes · View notes

softtransbf · 3 years

Text

Mister Nice Guy, part 2

part one

Summary: Shit hits the fan, and the rest of the BAU is done with it.

Word Count: 3523

Reader: he/him trans man, no physical description

Warnings: case involving targeting gay people, brief mention of a child abduction case, coming out/anxiety of experiencing transphobia (no actual transphobia though), alcohol, swearing

@aleccolocco (sorry it took so long to finish lol)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"No, that doesn't make any sense at all, doctor!" you spat his title. "He's not jealous of these couples, killing what he can't have, or a homophobe, punishing gay people for being happy. He's putting an end to their unhappy relationships. He sees it as mercy." Over the months, your cold war with Reid turned into outright conflict, and tonight, alone in the police station in Oregon, was no exception. Hotchner had tasked the two of you with presenting the preliminary profile the next morning, and it was going as well as conversations ever went.

"We have no evidence that he knows they're unhappy, though. All of his victims are clearly happy in their relationships," Reid challenged.

You rolled your eyes and scoffed. "Please. One look at their social media and it's obvious that the relationships are on the rocks."

"Where do you get that? All I see are typical happy relationships. Selfies, checking into special events together, posts about kind things one does for the other. Nothing indicating a troubled relationship to me."

"The gentlemen doth protest too much. They're painting an overly happy painting on social media, hoping that some of that happiness will actually become real. They're desperate for the relationship to work."

"Let's say you're right. I don't think you are, but let's pretend for the sake of trying to see your logic through. Why? Why would they be so desperate to save a failing relationship?"

"God, straight men just don't fucking get it!" You went to grab a file, missing his small flinch. "You don't understand how limited the dating pool for men who are into men is. Look at the most recent couple in particular. The most lovey-dovey on social media, and got the most brutal deaths."

"Yes, because they were the happiest. My theory holds," Reid interrupted.

"No. Look, this guy put way more out there on social media than his partner, and look at the pictures he posted. Look how forced his smile is, look at the body language. He needs this relationship to work, because dating as a gay man is one thing, dating as a gay trans man is almost impossible. Having to start over and deal with transphobia over and over again is worse than being in a bad relationship. In his eyes, I mean." Shit, the first person I come out to on this team cannot be Spencer fucking Reid. He doesn't deserve the honor.

"That was yesterday. We haven't gotten the autopsy report yet. How could you possibly know that he's trans?"

"Testosterone vials and needles in the bathroom. Neither of them are old enough for a cis man to reasonably have issues that require testosterone injections. It's HRT, hormone replacement therapy."

"Even if you're right, your conclusion still seems like a much bigger jump than mine, that the killer sees the relationships as happy and is lashing out at that, be it from jealousy or homophobia."

"Whatever. You'll see tomorrow, when we talk to the M.E., that he was trans, and that fact backs me up. I am absolutely right about this, and you will eat your words. Then I will present my theory, and you can choke on yours."

"We? You anticipate us spending more time together?" He raised an eyebrow.

"I meant 'we' as in the team, asshat. The world doesn't revolve around you. Mine sure as hell doesn't. I'm gonna go back to the hotel, write my own damn preliminary profile, and try to get some fucking sleep. Clearly we won't agree on this."

"We don't ever agree on anything," he pointed out.

"Not true. We agree that we dislike each other and can't get along. Good night, doctor." You turned and walked away, not giving him a chance to respond.

This man is going to be the death of me, he thought as he watched you walk away.

The autopsy report came in the next day, and you were right. The tech team also found a locked notes app on his phone that catalogued his unhappiness and fear of leaving. You presented your preliminary profile to the team. Reid didn't even argue; he just sat in silence, leaving the room as soon as you were finished. Never one to pass up a chance to gloat for beating him, you offered to get coffee for the team, got everyone's order, and left shortly behind him.

You were expecting to catch up to him, his impossibly long legs be damned. You weren't expecting him to be waiting for you. He pulled you into an empty interrogation room and pushed you up against a wall, his face just inches from yours. It was only a moment before being flustered by the closeness and those goddamn eyes were replaced by anger.

"What the FUCK, Reid?"

"What game are you playing, Y/N? What game are we playing? What's your endgame?" He spoke quickly and softly, but there was an intensity in his voice that had you captivated.

"I'm the one playing games?" You pushed him back, away from you. "You're the one who decided to hate me before we even met. When I transferred, all I wanted was to do a good job and fit in with the team. But quite literally from the minute I walked through the door, you'd decided you hate me. Turnabout is just fair play, gorgeous." Oh, fuck.

"Gorgeous?" You walked past him to the other side of the room, running a hand through your hair and turning your back on him. "Fine. Yeah, okay? I wanted approval from the brilliant and handsome Doctor Spencer Reid. In a way that's respectful of your heterosexuality, of course." You turned around and faced him again. "But that doesn't matter, because you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me right off the bat."

"What makes you think I'm straight?" He's fucking with me, now that that cat is out of the bag. Great. Fucking cishet men. Even he's no different. Thank god he still thinks I'm cis.

"Garcia mentioned in her newbie-run-down that you're 'awkward, but in a cute way, especially around women'. Plus, she mentioned that Emily is bi, leaving everyone else implied straight as even the best cishet allies are wont to do. And as we both know, Penelope knows everything.

And before you make the hearsay argument I can see forming in that brilliant head of yours, I've heard and seen too much about your impeccable memory to assume you don't remember when we all went to the bar after my first case. I was unabashedly Queer, friendly flirting with Derek and calling out cishet bullshit. When I did the latter, you literally rolled your eyes and walked away. Which is, funnily enough, some cishet bullshit.

JJ said you were just going through a thing and things would get better, but they just got worse. I'm not going to ask you to spill whatever was going on, because it's not my business, but god damn, dude. Why did you hate me so much so quickly?"

"You asked JJ about me?" He took a few steps towards you, a small smile on his face.

"That's the part you focused on? Jesus fucking Christ. Yes, I asked her about why you decided to hate me before we even met. Whatever. I hope you got whatever you were looking for by pulling me in here. I'm done. Done with this conversation, done with whatever has been going on with you and us since the day I transferred." You turned to leave, but he grabbed your arm. It was barely more than a light touch, but you let it stop you.

"Y/N. I can't-" he sighed. "God, you make my head spin. I can't organize my thoughts enough to say what I want to. JJ was right, there was something I had to work through, and I guess you'd made up your mind about me before I figured it out. It isn't an excuse for how I treated you, just an explanation. As for the more recent development of arguments… I guess I read a subtext that wasn't there. I could never dislike you, let alone hate you. I am truly sorry for- for all of it." With three long strides, he was out the door.

Make his head spin? What subtext? Since when is he unable to say what's on his mind? And what was that about not disliking me? All we've done since we met is argue or ignore each other. Why else would he act like that? Why do I even care? Why am I so knotted up about what he's thinking and feeling? Whatever. Fuck him, and not in the fun way. I've gotta go get coffee for the team. As you were getting the coffee, you couldn't get the memory of his face, so close to yours, to stop playing in your head.

The rest of the case was mostly as normal, but there was an energy between you and Spencer that was distant like when you joined the team, but there was something else to it that you couldn't quite put your finger on. It made you a little bit sad, though, for reasons you didn't understand.

"I love you, Y/N. I love you so much. I pulled away from you because it terrified me how much I loved you from the moment you walked through the door that first day. Being around you, even when we were arguing, made me feel alive in a way I never had before. You're all I think about, you're all I could ever want. I love you."

"I… I love you too." You didn't know which one of you moved, maybe you both did, but in an instant, you were kissing Spencer Reid, and you couldn't have been happier.

You woke up with a start, breathing heavily. You looked around; you were in your room, home alone, and it was 3:37 am. What the hell was that?

Four hours later, you trudged through the door of the BAU office, venti red-eye in hand. You made it about ten steps before Derek had his arm around your shoulders.

"Whoa there, hot stuff. Rough night?" You tried to shake him off, but he wouldn't budge, so you just kept walking, making him go with you towards your desk.

"So not your business, Derek. You being open with your personal life doesn't mean we all have to be open like that with ours."

"Personal life, huh? So who is he? More importantly, how was he, and should we expect more mornings like this in the future?" You rolled your eyes and playfully shoved him away. You'd reached your desk, so you sat on top of it, facing him. As you did, you made eye contact with Spencer, who was well within earshot. His face was unreadable, and you weren't sure why him hearing Morgan tease you like that upset you. It never had before.

"No, Derek. There's no one. Just some nightmares. Nothing major; I'll be fine by tomorrow." You got off your desk, sat in your chair, and logged into your laptop. Derek whistled and walked away without another word, shaking his head.

You tried to focus on the paperwork you needed to get done, but you couldn't stop thinking about that dream. The feeling of his lips on yours… it felt so real.

This is ridiculous. Love? We don't even like each other. Well… there was the stuff he was saying yesterday- 'I could never dislike you, let alone hate you', and some sort of subtext? But not disliking someone is a far cry from love. Plus, he's straight, so this is all absurd. And even if he DID have feelings for me, I sure as hell don't return them. I mean, maybe he's not as awful as I've thought, especially if he wasn't coming from a place of dislike. And he really is very pretty. Those eyes… Wait, what the fuck? This is all fucking ridiculous. I just need to get a full night's sleep tomorrow, and all this weirdness will be gone.

You took a giant gulp of your coffee, shook your head, and ran your fingers through your hair. Fortunately, Hotchner called a team meeting, forcing your attention to other things.

While no case could ever be described as 'normal', this case was pretty cut and dry, once you figured out what you were looking for. No dramatic twist, no tense showdown at his arrest. There weren't many cases like that, but you were very glad that this one was. You never sleep well when on a case, and no matter what you did, you couldn't shake that dream, the butterflies it left in your stomach every time you looked at him, and the strange disappointment when, unlike before that moment in Oregon, he wasn't looking at you.

Two more weeks passed. The energy between you and Spencer, whatever force it was that had drawn you together to argue again and again, was gone. You were polite to each other, and cooperated as necessary, but didn't do more than the bare minimum when it came to interacting with each other. Your interactions were cold and low-spirited. So you were so glad for a fun night out with Penelope, Emily, and JJ.

"So, Y/N, things seem… different… between you and Spencer these days. Did something happen?" Emily's tone made it clear that the three of them had intended to bring this up long before the plan to get drinks was even made. "I appreciate y'all waiting until I had a couple of drinks in me at least before going here. I guess we just got tired of fighting? I don't know. I can't figure out what's going on in that brilliant head of his. I thought I at least knew where I stood with him, even though it was purely adversarial, but I think I was wrong. But then that leaves me with no idea what he thinks of me or why I care so damn much."

"Really? No idea at all?" JJ asked. "I remember walking by a closed door in the police station in Oregon and hearing the word 'gorgeous' being thrown around." "Oh my god. You heard that?" You buried your face in your hands, and they all laughed.

"Yeah, I did, but only that one word. I'd figured you were on the phone with someone, but then you and Spence both started acting sad. I wasn't sure, of course, that you were talking to him until just now."

"Fuck. Okay, yeah. I think he's pretty. But I'm absolutely not alone in that. Derek calls him Pretty Boy, for goodness' sake. Appreciating someone's beauty doesn't have to mean anything more."

"Y/N, really? After everything we've been through together, you're gonna lie to us like this? Whatever happened, you've both been miserable since, and it's throwing the whole team off balance."

"What do you want me to say, Penelope? That I'm in love with him? He's pretentious and a know-it-all and a nerd and funny and kind and gorgeous and oh my God. I think I'm in love with him." The three women clapped and cheered.

"Finally, you get there! Took you long enough." Emily winked. "So, what's the plan now?"

"Keep this shit between us until my feelings go away. Even if he wasn't straight, I wouldn't risk fucking things up by telling him how I felt. As it is, I stand no chance in hell, so I'm just gonna write this one off as another straight guy I've fallen for and try to move on."

"Y/N, if you tell him-" Penelope started.

"No. You, more than anyone, know why I can't even entertain the idea of trying to be with him. I can't set myself up for that kind of pain. Not here, not where things are so good." You looked at all three of them. "I know that your intentions were good, but I just can't do this. I'm sorry." You grabbed your coat and left.

Your interactions with Spencer changed yet again. Now that you knew you loved him, you couldn't help yourself from being warmer towards him. As the weeks passed, you got closer. After three weeks, you considered him to be a good friend, not that that made things any less painful. You were just hoping that Penelope, Emily, and JJ were going to respect your wishes and drop the subject of your feelings for him.

[From: Penelope]: round table room ASAP

Shit. The last time you'd gotten that text from Penelope, the team left on a serial child abduction case 30 minutes later. So, despite it being your day off, you ran out the door and were there with your go bag in 15 minutes.

But no one else was there. No files on the table, nothing to indicate that there was a new case. You pulled out your phone to call Penelope, but then you heard a commotion outside the door- you'd closed it behind you.

"No, Derek, wait, I don't-"

"Can it, Pretty Boy, and thank me later." Derek opened the door, pushed Spencer into the room, winked at you, and shut the door, all in about 3 seconds.

"Spencer. Um, hi. Is the rest of the team not going to join us? Garcia's text seemed pretty urgent." You tucked your phone into your pocket.

"I don't think so, since I just heard Morgan barricade the door." He tried to open the door and failed.

"Oh my god they're Parent Trapping us. I'm gonna kill them."

Spencer tilted his head, confused. "Parent Trapping?"

"Oh my god have you not seen any of the Parent Trap movies? Were you living under a rock in 1998?" "I was seventeen and working on my first doctorate, so pretty much, yeah," he laughed. You couldn't help but laugh, too, as you firmly ignored how his smile made you absolutely melt.

"Fair enough. The '61 one is good too, but the '98 Lindsay Lohan one is Iconic for good reason. Anyway. The point is, they've locked us in here and won't let us out until we have a conversation."

"Just a conversation? Or do they want us to talk about something in particular?" He took a seat at the table.

"I- yeah, they have a particular topic in mind. I'm so sorry. This is my fault. I was tipsy and said things I should have just kept to myself. I thought they'd respected my wishes and left well enough alone, but clearly they didn't. And they won't let us out of here until I tell you-" you hesitated.

"Tell me what?" He leaned forward, and part of you swore you saw hope in his beautiful brown eyes. You looked at the floor, avoiding them.

"Tell you that I… have feelings for you. Romantic, cheesy, butterflies-in-my-stomach feelings. I don't know why they want me to tell you this. We've just gotten to a good place as friends, and you're straight, and-"

Somehow you missed the sound of him getting up and taking the few steps over to you, because you practically jumped out of your skin when his hands were suddenly on your shoulders.

"Y/N. Please, darling, look at me?" Bewildered by the endearment, you did, and his smile was blinding. "I'm not straight. I'm bi, and I think part of me has been in love with you since your first day at the BAU. The thing JJ said I was working through? The potential problems of having feelings for a coworker. For you. As soon as you walked through that door", he pointed and then took both your hands in his, "I loved you. The night at the bar? I was rolling my eyes at myself for how much I wanted to kiss you, and I walked away to stop myself from doing something reckless. I love you, Y/N. Can I do something reckless?"

"I'm trans," you blurted. "I hope that doesn't change anything, but it's something you should know. If knowing that I'm trans changes things, now is the time for you to say something. If it's a problem and it blows up later, it might actually kill me. Because I love you, too. So much. If it doesn't change anything, then please, Spencer, kiss me."

The words were barely out of your mouth before his lips were on yours. You weren't sure how long you were kissing before you were interrupted by cheers from the other side of the door. "Shit, Spencer, they're going to be the worst about this, aren't they?" You were a bit embarrassed by how breathy your voice was, but you were too happy to really care.

"Oh yeah. We're not going to get a moment that's just us in this building ever again. Do you want to get it over with and face them, or would you prefer we stay in this moment a bit longer?"

"What do you think, doctor?" you asked, pulling him in for another kiss.

#spencer reid x male reader #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #Criminal Minds Fanfiction #otp: pretty boys

180 notes · View notes

ahe-bby · 3 years

Text

Neopronouns are harmful to both the trans community and neurodivergent people

let me preface this with this, i am a trans man with ASD, ADHD, PTSD, severe depression and severe social and general anxiety. everything im saying comes from a place of experience. have you noticed people using pronouns like it/itself or corpse/corpself? if not, its a trend thats been all over social media. most neopronoun users are AFAB teenagers, the same people who used to fake depression in 2010. calling people out for using neopronouns usually comes back with backlash, it doesnt matter if youre trans or neurodivergent either. these kids like to self diagnose themselves with rare debilitating illnesses like DID or ASD, both are very serious conditions and can only be diagnosed by a medical professional. DID only happens if you experience SEVERE childhood trauma and most of these people have never experienced that. these people usually say they use neopronouns because they "have ASD", or because they think gender is a personality trait. first thing im going to say is its absolutely transphobic to act like gender isnt real or is socially constructed when for the whole existence of human life dysphoria has been documented. secondly, people with ASD do sometimes have trouble with social constructs but we are also very black and white. the use of neopronouns is very overwhelming and confusing because they just dont make sense, our brains will not allow us to understand or use them. gender doesnt affect ASD at all, ASD only affects social constructs like girls wear pink and boys wear blue. the usage of neopronouns can also be very upsetting for people with PTSD. ill use my personal experiences for this but it also affects others with different words and situations. it/itself pronouns have a very, very negative history to them. "it" is used to dehumanise or degrade someone. LGBT people have been called "it" as a slur for years, seeing trans people willingly use it/itself pronouns can be very triggering to some who have experienced that kind of transphobia/homophobia. pronouns like daddy/daddyself are also very triggering to some, as a SA survivor i can tell you that those pronouns upset me very much, it reminds me of the trauma. neopronoun users act like they are activists for LGBT people, neurodivergent people and survivors of SA, but they actually completely harm those causes and people they seem to think theyre helping.

#transmedicalism #transgender #neoprns #trans discourse #neurodivergent #transmed #pronouns #anti transmed #inclusivity #labels #queerphobia #fuck ableists

42 notes · View notes

star-anise · 4 years

Text

An ask I got recently:

hi so i’m a transmed and i’m not sure if you’ll answer this because of that but i saw your post about transmedicalism and was wondering if you could expand on that? you seem like a genuinely kind and judgement-free person, thank you darling x

My response:

Heh, you call me “judgement-free” and ask for my opinion on a topic I’ve formed a lot of judgments about… I get it though, I’m not into attacking people for what they believe so much as providing FACTS. As a cis queer, my insight into transmedicalism isn’t really about the innate experience of trans-ness so much as using my education and professional experience to talk about social science research, diagnostic systems, and public health policy.

This ended up really long, so the tl;dr is, I think transmedicalism as I understand it:

Misunderstands why and how the DSM’s Gender Dysphoria diagnosis was written,

Treats the medical establishment with a level of trust and credibility it doesn’t deserve, at a time when LGBT+ people, especially trans people, need to be informed and vigilant critics of it, and

Approaches the problem of limited resources in an ass-backwards way that I think will end up hurting the trans community in the long run.

TW: Transphobia; homophobia; suicide; institutionalization; torture; electroshock therapy; child abuse; incidental mentions of pedophilia.

So first off I’m guessing you mean this post, about not trusting the medical establishment to tell you who you are? That’s what I’m trying to elaborate on here.

I have to admit, when you say “I’m a transmedicalist” that tells me very little about you, because on Tumblr the term seems to encompass a dizzying array of perspectives. Some transmedicalists believe in what seems to me the oldschool version of “The only TRUE trans people suffer agonizing dysphoria that can only be fixed with surgery and hormones, everyone else is an evil pretender stealing resources and can FUCK RIGHT OFF” and others are like, um… “I have total love and respect for nonbinary and nondysphoric trans people! I qualify for a DSM diagnosis of dysphoria but that doesn’t make me inherently better or more trans than anyone else.”

Which is very confusing to me because according to everything I’ve learned, the latter opinion is not transmedicalism. It’s just… a view of transness that acknowledges current diagnostic labels and scientific research. It’s what most people who support trans rights and do not identify as transmedicalists believe. But I kind of get the impression that Tumblr transmedicalism has expanded well past its original mandate, to the point that if a lot of “transmedicalists” saw the movement’s original positions they’d go “Whoa that’s way too strict and doesn’t help our community, I want nothing to do with it.”.

Okay so. Elaborating on the stuff I can comment on.

1. DSM what?

The American Psychiatric Association publishes a big thick book called The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, called the DSM for short. This is the “Bible of psychiatry”, North America’s definitive listing of mental disorders and conditions. It receives significant revision and updates roughly every 10-15 years; it was last updated in 2013, meaning it will likely get updated sometime between 2023 and 2028.

The DSM lists hundreds of “codes”, each of which indicates a specific kind of mental disorder. For example, 296.23 is “Major depressive disorder, Single episode, Severe,” and 300.02 is “Generalized anxiety disorder.” These codes have information on how common the condition is, how it’s diagnosed, and what kind of treatment is appropriate for it.

Diagnostic codes are the key to health professionals getting paid. If there isn’t a code for it, we can’t get paid for it, and therefore we have very few resources to treat it with. The people who actually pay for healthcare–usually insurance companies or government agencies–decide how much they will pay for each code item to be treated. They’ll pay for, say, three sessions of group therapy for mild depression (296.21), or they’ll pay for more expensive private therapy if it’s moderate (296.22); they’ll pay for the cheap kind of drug if you have severe depression (296.23), but to get the more expensive drug, you need to have depression with psychotic features (296.24).

Healthcare companies, especially in the USA where the system is very very broken and the DSM is written, are cheap bastards. If they can find an excuse not to fund some treatment, they’ll use it. “We think this person who lost their job and can’t get off the couch should pay this $1000 bill for therapy,” they’ll say. “After all, they were diagnosed as code 296.21, and then saw a private therapist for five sessions, when we only allow three sessions of group therapy, and you’re saying they haven’t had enough treatment yet?”

A lot of the advocacy work mental health professionals do is trying to get the big funding bodies to pay us adequately for the work we do. (This is a much easier process in countries with single-payer healthcare, where this negotiation only needs to be done with a single entity. In the USA, it needs to be done with every single health insurance company in existence, as well as the government, sometimes differently in every single state, and then again on a case-by-case basis as well.) Healthcare providers have to argue that three sessions of group therapy isn’t enough, that Medicaid needs to pay therapists more per hour than it costs those therapists to rent a room to practice in, or else therapists would lose money by seeing Medicaid clients. DSM codes exist a tiny bit to let us communicate with each other about the people we treat, and a huge amount to let us get paid. The fact that their existence lets people make sense of their own experiences and find a community with people who share common experiences and interests with them is a very minor side benefit the DSM’s authors really don’t keep in mind when they update and revise different diagnoses.

So when it comes to convincing insurance companies to pay for treatment, humanitarian reasons like “they’ll be very unhappy without it” tend not to work. The best argument we have for them paying for psychological treatment is that it’s economical: that if they don’t pay for it now, they’ll have to pay even more later. If they refuse to pay, let’s say, $2000 to treat mild depression when someone loses their job, and either refuse treatment or stick the person with the bill, then that person’s life might spiral out of control–they might, let’s say, run low on money, get evicted from their apartment, develop severe depression, attempt suicide, and end up in hospital needing to be medically resuscitated and then put in an inpatient psych ward for a month. The insurance company then faces the prospect of having to pay, let’s say, $100,000 for all that treatment. At which point somebody clever goes, “Huh, so it would have been cheaper to just… pay the original $2000 instead so they could bounce back, get a new job, and not need any of this treatment later.”

Trans healthcare can be kind of expensive, since it often involves counselling, years of hormone therapy, medical garments, and multiple surgeries. Health insurance companies hate paying for anything, and have traditionally wanted not to cover any of this. “This is ridiculous!” they said. “These are elective cosmetic treatments, it’s not like they’re dying of cancer, these people can pay the same rate for breast enhancements or testosterone injections as anyone else.”

So when the APA Task Force on Gender Identity Disorder (a task force comprised, as far as I can tell, entirely of cis people) sat down to plan for the 2013 update of the DSM, one of their biggest goals was: Treatment recommendations. Create a diagnosis which they could effectively use to advocate that insurance companies fund gender transition. Like when you go back and read the documents from their meetings in 2008 and 2011, their big thing is “create a diagnosis that can be used to form treatment recommendations.” So that’s what they did; in 2013 they made the GD diagnosis, and in 2014 the Affordable Care Act required insurers to provide treatment for it.

A lot of trans people weren’t happy with the DSM task force’s decisions, such as the choice to keep “Transvestic Fetishism,” which is basically the autogynephilia theory, and just rename it “Transvestic Disorder”. The creation of the Gender Dysphoria diagnosis, basically, was designed to force the preventive care argument. They didn’t think they could win on trans healthcare being a necessity because healthcare is a human right, so they went with: Trans people have a very high suicide rate, and one way to bring it down is to help them transition. One of the major predictors of suicidality is dysphoria. The more dysphoric someone is, the more likely they are to attempt suicide (source). Therefore, health insurers should fund treatment for gender dysphoria because it was cheaper than paying for emergency room admissions and inpatient psychiatric hospitalizations.

I have spoken to trans scientists about what research exists, and my understanding is: The dysphoria/no dysphoria split is not actually validated in the science. That is, when you research trans people, there is not some huge gaping difference between the experiences, or brains, of people With Dysphoria, and people Without Dysphoria. Mostly, scientists haven’t even thought it was an important distinction to study. The diagnosis wasn’t reflecting a strong theme in the research about trans experiences; that research showed that trans people with all levels of dysphoria were helped with medical transition. The biggest difference is just that dysphoria is a stronger risk factor for suicide. Experiencing transphobia is another strong risk factor, but that’s harder to measure in a doctor’s office, so dysphoria it was.

(I’ve seen some transmedicalists claim that dysphoria’s major feature is incongruence, not distress. And I’ll just say, uh… in psychology, “dysphoria” is the opposite of of “euphoria”, literally means “excessive pain”, and is used in many disorders to describe a deep-seated sense of distress and wrongness. As a mental health professional, I just can’t imagine most of my colleagues agreeing that something can be called “dysphoria” if the person doesn’t feel real distress about it. If you want a diagnosis that doesn’t demand dysphoria, you’d need Gender Incongruence in the upcoming version of the ICD-11, which is the primary diagnostic system used in Europe, published by the World Health Organization.)

2. Doctors are not magic

Medicine is a science, and science is a system of knowledge based on having an idea, testing it against reality, and revising that knowledge in light of what you learned. We’re learning and growing all the time.

I don’t know if this sounds painfully obvious or totally groundbreaking, but: Basically all medical research is done by people who don’t have the condition they’re writing about. Psychology has a strong historical bias against believing the personal testimonies of people with conditions that have been deemed mental disorders, so researchers who have experienced the disorder they’re writing about have often had to hide that fact, like Kay Redfield Jamison hiding that she had bipolar disorder until she became a world-renowned expert on it, or Marsha Linehan hiding that she had borderline personality disorder until she pioneered the treatment that could effectively cure it. Often, having a condition was seen as proof you couldn’t actually have a truthful and objective experience of it.

So what I’m trying to say is: The “gender dysphoria” diagnosis was written and debated, so far as I can tell, by entirely cis committee members. The vast majority of psychological and psychiatric research about LGBT+ people is written by cisgender heterosexual scientists. Most clinical and scientific writing has been outsider scientists looking at people they have enormous power over and making decisions about their basic existence with very little accountability.

And to show you how far we’ve come, I want to show you part of the DSM as it was from 1952 to 1973. It shows you just why so many older LGBT+ people find it deeply ironic that now the DSM is being held up as definitive of trans experience:

302 Sexual Deviation This category is for individuals whose sexual interests are directed primarily toward objects other than people of the opposite sex, toward sexual acts not usually associated with coitus, or towards coitus performed under bizarre circumstances as in necrophilia, pedophilia, sexual sadism, and fetishism. Even though many find their practices distasteful, they remain unable to substitute normal sexual behavior for them. This diagnosis is not appropriate for individuals who perform deviant sexual acts because normal sexual objects are not available to them.

302.0 Homosexuality 302.1 Fetishism 302.2 Pedophilia 302.2 Transvestitism […]

Yes, really. That is how psychiatry viewed us. At a time when research from other fields, like psychology and sociology, were showing that this view was completely unsupported by evidence, psychiatry thought LGBT+ people were fundamentally disordered, criminal, and incapable of prosocial behaviour.

My favourite retelling of the decades of activism it took LGBT+ people and allies to get the DSM to change is from a friend who did her master’s thesis on the topic, because she leaves in the clown suits and gay bars, which really shows how scientific and dignified the process was. The long story short is: It took over 20 years of lobbying by LGBT+ people who were sick and tired of being locked up in mental institutions and subjected to treatments like electroshock training, as well as by LGBT+ social scientists, clinicians, and psychiatrists, to get homosexuality declassified as a mental illness. And that was homosexuality; the push to change how trans people were listed in the DSM is very recent, as seen in the latest version listing “Transvestic Disorder”, a description very few trans people ever use for themselves.

Here are a few more examples of how people with a condition have had to take an active part in the science about them:

When HIV/AIDS appeared in the USA, the government didn’t care why drug addicts and gay people were dying mysteriously. Hospitals refused to treat people with this mysterious new disease. AIDS patients had to fight to get any funding put into what AIDS is, how it spreads, or how it could be treated; they also had to campaign to change the massive public prejudice against them, so they could be treated, housed, and allowed to live. Here’s an article on the activist tactics they used. If you want an intro to the fight (or at least, white peoples’ experience of it), you could look into the movies How to Survive a Plague, And the Band Played On, and The Normal Heart.

Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (CFS) is a little-understood disease that causes debilitating exhaustion. It’s found twice as often in women as men. Doctors understand very little about what it is or why it happens, and patients with CFS are often written off a lazy hypochondriacs who just don’t want to try hard. There are basically no known treatments. In 2011, a British study said that an effective treatment for CFS was “graded exercise”, a program where people did slowly increasing levels of physical activity. This flew in the face of what people with CFS knew to be true: That their disease caused them to get much worse after they exercised. That for them, being forced to do ever-increasing exercise was basically tantamount to torture, so it was very concerning that health authorities and insurance companies began requiring that they undergo graded exercise treatment (and parents with children with CFS had to put their children through this treatment, or lose custody for “medical neglect”). So they investigated the study, found that it was seriously flawed, got many health authorities to reverse their position on graded exercise, and have made strides into pointing researchers to looking into biological causes of their illness.

Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS) is a rare but debilitating disease that isn’t researched much, because it affects such a small portion of the population. The ALS community realized that if they wanted better treatment, they would need to raise the money for research themselves. In 2014 they organized a viral “ice bucket challenge” to get people to donate to their cause, and raised $115 million, enough to make significant advances in understanding ALS and getting closer to a cure.

A common treatment for Autism is Applied Behaviour Analysis (ABA), which is designed to encourage “desired” behaviours and discourage “undesired” ones. The problem is, the treatment targets behaviour an Autistic person’s parents and teachers consider desirable or undesirable, without consideration that some “undesired” behaviours (like stimming) are fundamental and necessary to the wellbeing of Autistic people. Furthermore, the treatment involves punishing Autistic children for failure to behave as expected–in traditional ABA, by witholding rewards or praise until they stop, or in more extreme cases, by subjecting them to literal electric shocks to punish them. (In that last case, they’ve been ordered to stop using the shock devices by August 31, 2020. That only took YEARS.) Autistic people have had to campaign loud and long to say that different treatment strategies should be researched and used, especially on Autistic children.

So I mean… I get that the medical model can provide an element of validation and social acceptance. It can feel really good to have people in white coats back you up and say you’re the real deal. But if you get in touch with most LGBT+ and transgender groups, they’d say that there’s still a lot of work to be done when it comes to researching trans issues and getting scientific and governmental authorities to recognize your rights to social acceptance and medical treatment.

Within a few years, the definition you’re resting on will turn to sand beneath your feet. The Great DSM Machine will begin whirring into life pretty soon and considering what revisions it has to make. You’ll have an opportunity to make your voice heard and to push for real change. So… do you want to be part of that process of pushing trans rights forward, or do you just want to feel loss because they’re changing your strict definition of who’s valid and who’s not?

3. Scarcity is not a law of physics

One of the major arguments I see transmedicalists push is that there’s only a limited number of surgeries or hormone prescriptions available, so it’s not okay for a non-dysphoric person to “steal” the resources that another trans person might need more. This makes sense in a limited kind of way; it’s a good way to operate if, say, you’re sharing a pizza for lunch and deciding whether to give the last slice to someone who’s hungry and hasn’t eaten, or someone who’s already full.

When you start to back up and look at really big and complex systems–basically anything as big, or bigger, than a school board or a hospital or a municipal government–it’s not a helpful lens anymore. Because the most important thing about social institutions is that they can change. We can make them change. And the most important factor in how much the world changes is how many people demand that it change.

I’ve talked about this before when it comes to homeless shelters, and how the absolute worst thing they can have are empty beds. I used to work in women’s shelters, which came about when second-wave feminists started seriously looking at the problem of domestic violence in the 1960s and 70s, It was an issue male-dominated governments and healthcare systems hadn’t taken seriously before, but feminists started heck and did research and staged demonstrations and basically demanded that organizations that worked for the “public benefit” reduce the number of women being killed by their husbands. Their research showed that the leading cause of death in those cases were when women tried to leave and their partners tried to kill them, so the most obvious solution was to give them someplace safe to go where their partners couldn’t find them. Therefore the solution became: Women’s shelters. When feminists committed to founding and running these shelters, local governments could be talked into giving them money to keep them running.

(Men’s rights activists, the misogynist kind, like to whine about “why aren’t there men’s shelters?” and the very simple answer is: Because you didn’t fight for them, you teatowels. Whether a movement gets resources and funding is hugely a reflection of how many people have said, “This needs resources and funding! Look, I’m writing a cheque! Everyone, throw money at this!” In other news, The BC Society for Male Survivors of Sexual Abuse does great work. People should throw money at them.)

When the system in power knows there are resources it wants and doesn’t have, it finds a way to make them appear. For example, in Canada, the government knows that it doesn’t have enough trained professionals living in its far North, where the population is scarce and not very many people want to live. Doctors and teachers would prefer to live in the southern cities. But because it’s committed to Northern schools and hospitals, they create incentives. For example, the government offers to pay off the student loans of teachers or health professionals who agree to work for a few years in Northern communities.

Part of why trans healthcare resources are so scarce is that for a long time, trans people were considered too small a part of the population to care about. Like, “Trans people exist, but we won’t have to deal with them.” Older estimates said 0.4% of the population was trans, which meant a city of 100,000 people would have 400 trans people. A single family doctor can have 2000 or 3000 clients, so the city could have maybe 1 or 2 doctors who really “got” trans issues, and all the trans people would tell each other to only go see those doctors because all the rest were assholes. And the cracks in the system didn’t really seem serious. A couple hundred dissatisfied people not getting the healthcare they needed? Meh! Hospital administrators had more to worry about!

But the trans population is growing. A recent poll of Generation Z said 2.6% of middle schoolers in Minnesota were some kind of trans. which is 2,600 per 100,000. That’s enough to make hospitals think that maybe the next endocrinologist or OB/GYN they hire should have some training in treating trans people. That’s enough to make a health authority think that maybe the state should open up a new gender confirmation surgery clinic, since demand is rising so much.

Or well, I mean. Hospitals have a lot on their minds. This might not occur to them as their top priority. They’d probably think of it a lot sooner if a bunch of those trans people sent them letters or took out a billboard or showed up by the dozens at a public meeting to say, “Hello, there are a fuckload of us. Budget accordingly. We want to see your projected numbers for the next five years.”

When you’re doing that kind of work, suddenly it hurts your cause to limit your number of concerned parties. Sure, limited focus groups or steering committees can have limited membership, but when you put their ideas into action, to protest something or lobby for political change, you need numbers. If you want to show that you’re a big and important group that systems should definitely pay attention to, you don’t just need every trans or GNC or NB person who’s got free time to devote to your campaign, you also need every cis ally who can pad out numbers or lick envelopes or hand out water bottles or slip you insider information about the agenda at the next board meeting. You need bodies, time, and money, and you get them best by being inclusive about who’s in your party. Heck, if it would benefit your cause to team up with the local breast cancer group because trans women and cis women who have had mastectomies both have an interest in asking a hospital to have a doctor on staff who knows how to put a set of tits together, then there are strong reasons to do it.

Basically: All the time any marginalized group spends fighting over scraps is generally time we could spend demanding that the people handing out the food give us another plate. If you don’t think you’re getting enough, the best answer isn’t to knock it out of somebody’s hands, but to get together to say, “HEY! WE’RE NOT GETTING ENOUGH!”

That kind of work is complicated and difficult! It’s definitely much harder than yelling at someone on Tumblr for not being trans enough. But if you do any level of getting involved with activist groups that fight for real systemic change, whether that’s following your local Pride Centre on Twitter or throwing $5 at a trans advocacy group or writing your elected representative about the need for more trans health resources, you’re pushing forward lasting change that will help everyone.

#staranise original #transmedicalism tw #transphobia tw #homophobia tw #my problems with sj let me show you them

350 notes · View notes

raavenb2619 · 3 years

Note

Hi, if your still taking ask, I'd like to ask about gender.

I'm amab and I use he/they, I heard about demiboy and it sounded exactly like me, but it didn't feel right. I feel weird identifying as not cis because I don't have dysphoria. I know you don't need dysphoria to be trans. Maybe I'm just gender nonconforming? But I don't feel wholly like a man?

I guess I feel like transness itself isn't a valid option for me because I don't have dysphoria but I feel good when people refer to me as they

So I guess the big question is how do I work through whats left of the internalized transphobia and the transmedicalism that was ingrained in me when I first became active in the community?

So if this is incoherent and rambly

There are a lot of reasons I think making dysphoria a requirement of being trans is a bad idea.

On a personal note, I don’t want my existence as a trans person to be inherently defined in terms of negative experiences; isn’t the idea of Pride that instead of believing that your existence is inherently negative and bad and shameful, that you can believe it’s something positive, something valuable, something worth being proud of? Being trans is a positive experience for me. I like being trans, and I’m proud to be trans, and I don’t want anyone or anything to take that away from me.

I’m a trans person who has dysphoria, but if dysphoria was a requirement of being trans, it’s possible that I wouldn’t have realized I was trans until a lot later than I actually did, because dysphoria can be subtle and confusing. Sometimes I’ve been dysphoric about something, and then for no discernible reason, it’s disappeared and doesn’t bother me anymore. Sometimes I’ve been comfortable with something, but then I hear that someone else is dysphoric about something, and then I start being dysphoric about it. There are things that I’ve been dysphoric about for pretty much as long as I can remember, but before I was trans, I had convenient excuses for them. “Oh, everyone’s like that. Oh, that reflexive behavior you’re barely conscious of doesn’t mean anything.” It was only after I realized I was trans that I understood that I was feeling dysphoria. Without that additional context and new perspective, my dysphoria was just...noticed but unnoticed.

I don’t think gatekeeping is in the interest of the trans community. The idea that a nefarious cis person would pretend to be trans for personal gain is pretty unrealistic. (Like, most cishets are super uncomfortable when someone thinks they might not be straight, let alone not cis.) But if there really are some nefarious cis people who want to pretend to be trans, they could just claim to have dysphoria, so gatekeeping is completely ineffective at stopping the hypothetical cis invaders. On the other hand, gatekeeping dysphoria would probably lead to kicking people out of the community who need support. If you definitely experience dysphoria, but not as much as other people, are you still “trans enough”? If you experienced dysphoria, but you transitioned and took steps to get rid of your dysphoria, are you still “trans enough”? Whoever answers these questions wields enormous power to withhold support from people who likely need it. The whole point of a community is that we’re stronger together than we are apart, so why should we turn on each other?

I think prioritizing dysphoria could put pressure on trans people to transition in ways that aren’t necessarily comfortable with. Dysphoria can take many different forms, and people have different ways of coping with it. If you and I are dysphoric about the same thing, but I transition a small amount to cope with it, and you transition a large amount to cope with it, that could lead to people saying I’m not “really” trans because I “clearly” don’t have “real” dysphoria, because any “real” trans person with “real” dysphoria would have to transition a larger amount. In that scenario, I have to choose between the transition that manages my dysphoria in a way that’s right for me at the risk of losing my community’s support, and transitioning in a way that I’m “supposed” to so that I can “prove” that I’m “really” trans. I think that’s a terrible position to be in, because transitioning should be about what’s best for you, not for other people. Trans people already have to deal with cis people telling us how we should look and dress and act, so why should we have to deal with trans people telling us that, too?

Saying that trans people need dysphoria ignores our history instead of learning from it. As I wrote in this post, the term “genderqueer” was originally coined by people who wanted to use the term “transgender” but were excluded at the time because of the dominant narrative that only trans men or trans women who had had (or wanted to have) bottom surgery could call themselves “transgender”. A lot of people who felt distinctly non-cis sought out the trans community but were rejected, and I think that’s really unfortunate. Being rejected by mainstream society is hard, but being rejected by someone you expect to have your back can be even harder. If someone doesn’t feel dysphoria, but they’re still seeking out the trans community, I think there’s probably a really good reason for that, and we should welcome them instead of rejecting them.

Hope that helps, as always feel free to ask for clarification/any follow up questions.

#ask #anon #original #dysphoria #gender dysphoria #tw #tw dysphoria #long #trans #transgender #enby #nonbinary #genderqueer #queer #lgbtq #Anonymous

77 notes · View notes

discyours · 3 years

Note

Sorry maybe this ask is TMI so if you don't want that you can delete it .

Do you think that people who are attracted to transgender people (gynandromorphilia) have fetishes? I used to think it was transphobic because it implies that male or female individuals who appear androgynous are unnatural. But maybe it is more transphobic to deny the existence of this. Most of the harm of the sex industry is directed at females, the sex industry is anti woman. But as for the minority of MtF transgender individuals who exist and face abuse, the men who buy sex from them are not normal people. They are very deranged. Maybe it is not specifically the secondary sexual characteristics but something else. This is all without mentioning the men who get off to the idea of abusing FtM transgenders to "correct them". Surely this can't be ignored but maybe you can enlighten me you are more experienced with the transgender community. danke

I'll answer this but I do think a trans woman/detrans man could answer better than I can.

Personally I do think many (absolutely not all) of them have a kink/fetish. Not one specifically about trans people, but one that's directed at trans people because they're a good fit for it. Keep in mind I am not and have never been a trans woman. I don't know who approaches them in bars or matches with them on tinder. All I've seen is the barrage of men who join online trans groups with no introduction other than the ever-charming "I like trans".

If you've ever had the displeasure of being involved in the kink community, you'll know that a "forced bi" kink is relatively common among submissive men. A lot of them are bisexual men with internalised homophobia who want to be able to engage in that side of their sexuality without feeling "responsible" for it. They want an attractive woman to charm or even coerce them into engaging in sex acts with a man. That way the attraction to men that they don't want to acknowledge isn't actually a factor, and if they do end up enjoying it they can just tell themselves they're being great subs for their female dommes, which makes the whole thing super heterosexual if anything (/s). I don't think all of the men who have this kink are actually bi, some of them are straight but have terminal porn addictions that have left them completely detached from their real sexuality. If they actually ended up in a situation where they're about to fuck a guy, they'd snap out of it. Knowing they got so close to going through with it would come with a whole lot of shame, and anger at anyone else involved. And we all know that angry men who feel that they have been humiliated can be incredibly dangerous.

Both of these groups will end up gravitating towards trans women because it's a 2 for 1 deal on the element that allows them to tell themselves it's straight, and the element that isn't. Transphobia adds an extra element of taboo that's enticing to these types of people. One reason why the statement that trans people shouldn't trick or pressure people into having sex with them is met with so much backlash is because trans women literally feel like they're being gaslit. Imagine constantly meeting men who very clearly know that you're trans, who fetishise you for it, whose fetish includes an incredibly transparent narrative that you're "tricking" or "forcing" them into this, only to then be told by people from what's meant to be your own community that that's genuinely what you do to people. I don't need anyone to respond to this with a collection of screenshots of trans people saying rapey shit, I'm aware that it happens and I'm not defending it. But this is why even trans people who aren't like that at all tend to dismiss those types of accusations as bullshit. It's because they've already gotten them thrown at them by horny men who very much were lying to suit themselves.

As for men who fetishise trans men, I think it's some of the same (bi men wanting to explore their sexuality while still having a "ok but it's straight tho" excuse) but it's mostly pedophelia. I have a major bias here because I identified as trans from 16-18/19ish, so the grown men who were attracted to me would've been on thin ice even if I'd been cis. But I do think the fact that trans men tend to be smaller and younger looking than cis men regardless of their age often attracts pedophiles. That seems to be way more common than forced feminisation type kinks. My experience when I was trans was that to straight men it really didn't matter as long as they saw my body before they saw my face (I did get rejected a few times because they saw my face first and thought I was male), whereas bi/"gay" men who expressed attraction to me did care, and specifically found it very appealing that I was able to look like a young boy. I'm sure that other trans men have different experiences with this though, especially ones who medically transitioned and weren't teenagers the entire time they identified as trans.

Nothing I've mentioned here involves "real life" experiences because I live in a rural area with essentially no LGBT community and I find men too gross to engage with them IRL, so that undoubtedly affects my view too. If any trans/detrans people have something to add I welcome you to do so, because again my perspective is limited.

#anon #kind of a nitpick but please never say ''transgenders'' to refer to people #I realise it's the norm in some languages but it comes off as dehumanising

9 notes · View notes

nothorses · 3 years

Note

I don't know if anyone else has experienced this, and I worry about saying this off anon but I want to actually, be a face as I do. When I came out I knew I wasn't cis, and I was lucky enough to have the support of two wonderful trans partners, but I had an extremely hard time finding my place in the trans community. I am pro MOGAI and new, hyperspecific terms because I know how important it can be to want to put a name, a flag, and individual pride to your identity. 1/?

I switched my own terms quite a lot, from demigirl to genderfae to genderflux to where I am now, genderfluid. But I remember there was a moment, because I was so sure I was only female aligned, where I thought for just a moment that I might be a boy, and I was terrified, I didnt want to be a boy, I didnt want to be "that trans." Like every trans person, I struggled with internalized transphobia, not feeling valid or true enough in my identity, 2/15

But that dreadful feeling of being Scared of being a boy is something I think about a lot, and something I think is truly telling. I'll admit I primarily (only) use tumblr because social media honestly isnt my thing, so I can only speak to what I've seen here, but I remember seeing so little about trans men, other than the occasional mention in broad positivity posts, the even rarer info about binding or passing, but I did see how much people hated men. 3/15

It was always implied to be about cis men, I've been spared the more modern issues regarding overt hatred of trans men, but I saw the constant anger and vitriol and genuine hatred for men. And I realize now I wasnt just scared of being "too trans" I was scared of being hated. So I made myself nonthreatening, I called myself a boy, I performed femininity to an even higher, though subversive standard, because I was still so scared of being a man. The enemy. The oppressor. 4/15

It took many more months to dare say I wanted to call myself a man, and even then I was scared, in the comfort and safety of my girlfriend's company. I felt dirty saying it, and I still do. I always only dare to refer to myself as a trans man, instead of just as a man. And I do want to sidetrack for a moment and say my relationship to gender, as a genderfluid person, is admittedly more complex than just when I feel this way, in other ways people are also particularly hateful towards, 5/15

But even with those other facets, and my fear of being open in them, pale in comparison to my relationship with masculinity. Because when I did come out and admit to myself that sometimes, I am not a woman, or nonbinary, I am a man, I became more aware of things. I exited wonderland, so to say. Suddenly I became so much more aware of how much people simply did not care about me or people like me, and especially not our problems or concerns. 6/15

I saw how invisible I was, and worse than that, I saw a very subtle malice. The only mention of trans men were in those broad positivity posts including everyone under the trans umbrella, or in the rare case something was positive exclusively for trans men, it was always reblogged with "dont forget trans women/enby people" tacked on, I remember once I looked in the trans tag and counted how many posts it took to find one exclusively about trans men that didnt mention binding 7/15

I got into the forties. Because on other posts, I would see people make passive aggressive remarks about how "trans men are talked about too much" or "there's all these resources for trans men, what about trans women" and I wanted to know on what earth the people who said that were living on, because the only, and I mean the only thing people tend to talk about in regards to trans men is how to safely bind, and rarely, the effects of HRT. 8/15

This happened a while ago, but I remember seeing a number of posts on my dash about how much representation trans men receive. I believe there was a panel about trans people, where a majority of the panelists were trans men, and trans women were less represented than them. They encouraged people to complain, said we received too much attention, and pointed at mythical trans male rep in media that in reality, I could count on one hand. I remember being so angry and passionate about it 9/15

Now im honestly just tired. I dont feel accepted by the trans community, and even the trans male community is iffy (I fit in amongst mogai people most, but I cant deny trumeds are particularly prevalent, and it wore on me), and it's so tiring to have every post made by trans men for trans men have to be preambled by belittling themselves and downplaying their own suffering. I just want to exist in peace, but I feel like that's too much to ask. 10/15

I've reached a point of exhaustion that I have become entirely apathetic to my own gender, what was once a deeply important aspect of my identity. I feel disconnected from it, and as a consequence from my own body. I don't bother examining it anymore because I can't feel it, as someone who suffers from dissociation, I feel dissociated from it in order to protect myself, something I was once so openly proud about. 11/15

Im scared to try and push for transition, for my own personal reasons, but now on top of those Im terrified of being silenced and belittled and hated for something that should make me happy. I've tried so hard not to feed into the lateral violence and become embittered towards trans women, because that's not fair, but I won't lie and say it hasnt been hard when I have seen more than I ever would've liked be so willing to ignore or outright throw their brothers under the bus 12/15

And of course there are even more who do show their support for their brothers, and for that im thankful, but this invisibility effects how I perceive everything. I feel like I've been pushed back into the closet, I say im trans because I know I'm not cis but I don't even know who I am, what my place is, and I'm scared to explore because I'm scared that who I am will be violently rejected by the people meant to support me. I want to be free to even explore who I am. 13/15

I wish people would listen to my experiences and what I have to say, but in every microaggression every act of ignoring I feel silenced. Trans men are viewed as predatory, just in a different way; trans men are fetishized and have chasers; trans men face higher rates of violence and sexual assault for being trans men; research about transmasc transition is almost nonexistent, and new, better surgeries are not even thought about; transmasc history is erased and silenced. 14/15

I, feel like im rambling at this point, and I'm sorry I've been so longwinded, I just. I want to thank you, for creating a space where I can speak my truth, because before finding your blog I didn't think anyone would care. I feel like I have so much more to say but honestly im scared, and too tired, and have said enough for now. I just want this feeling of loneliness to go away and hopefully I'll find a way to accept myself. Thank you for listening to me, and giving me a platform to speak 15/15

(Edited the numbers for accuracy)

Thank you for trusting me with this, and to other folks: I think this is an important narrative to listen to and share!

#trans #transmasc #transgender #ftm #nonbinary #the 'transmascs are overrepresented' argument is also provably false #there are about 1/3 the amount of trans male characters in film and tv that there are trans female #and thats being generous #its very clearly an issue of hypervisibility v invisibility and both groups struggle in different ways!#harlequincy

45 notes · View notes

chibimyumi · 4 years

Note

I too have a question on your opinion on something that I am pretty sure you've never covered, but, I know you have covered a LOT of grell things, and it IS a Grell thing. It's more like a theory I have seen that some people have, that the "butler disguise" and persona were sort of giving us a glimpse of what Grell was like before she became a reaper. BUt I am unsure myself. It has always felt like just a disguise and nothing more! What do you think??

Dear Anon,

Thanks for checking whether the answer to your question is already available before asking! (^▽^) I appreciate that a lot.

As to your question... I am not sure. As I have said often before, we don’t actually know all that much about Grell, let alone her inner psyche. Unlike Sebas and especially O!Ciel who are heavily built on their inner psyche and how they need to regulate their actions (i.e. we have a clear view of what they are hiding and why they choose to express what), Grell is a character built and centered on sheer expression. In addition to Grell not having all that much “screentime”, it really is impossible to conclude what she used to be/is like outside of her few appearances in the manga so far.

However, there is value in discussing what may or may not have been, so let us do just that ^^

Can Grell’s butler disguise offer a glimpse of her former self?

Disclaimer: I am not transgender myself, so I cannot speak from personal experience; only from secondhand experience from my transgender friends/acquaintances who told me their stories in confidence, or from interviews.

Before we can begin a meaningful discussion, we first need to consider the function of Grell’s disguise; the demure and hopeless butler.

‘The Watchdog x the Black Butler’ have earned themselves quite some notoriety fame in society because of their astonishing capabilities. Grell however, would have to achieve the opposite; inconspicuousness. With a male-coded body she had better choose a male disguise because 1. a female persona would reversely attract attention, and 2. female servants did not enjoy the same “privileges” male servants did, which would have made her service to Madam very inconvenient.

In short, we can conclude that a male disguise was not much of a choice, but an inevitability in the “stage and setting” the-great-actress had to play. So now the question remains: “why this specific demure and hopeless role, and does this role reflect her former self in any way?”

Now let us discuss both the “yes” and the “no”.

【tw suicide and transphobia mention】

“No.” - Why relive a trauma?

As I said before, we don’t know much about Grell, so we also don’t know how much her past affects her current self. One thing we are relatively certain of however, is that Grell probably killed herself because she couldn’t bear to live as a man anymore.

If we accept this as the reason Grell killed herself, then it is important to ask: “IF the demure and hopeless persona was the way she used to be, and IF it is unbearable for Grell to relive the life she had to end, why then would she choose this role?” There are many other ways to be an inconspicuous male butler other than the specific persona Grell went with. Butler Sutcliff could just have been mediocre and silent, for example.

We don’t know whether Grell has had enough time to move past her trauma, but considering how she still begrudges sex workers who want a hysterectomy enough to so violently kill them, it is fairly reasonable to say her trauma is still with her. If her past “self” was so unbearable that she killed it, I would say it makes no sense whatsoever she would choose to revisit that trauma since other options are clearly available.

Opposite or just different?

In a society as obsessed with masculinity as the early Victorian one, Grell must have experienced a real struggle by being ““blessed with a male status”” and yet unable to live up to a ‘proper’ male life. Who was supposed to tell Grell that ‘transgender’ is a thing and that it’s okay? Most likely Grell may not even really have believed herself when her subconscious told her she was a woman; the concept of ‘sex ≠ gender’ was unheard of!

All transgender people cope differently of course, but I learned that some transgender women initially overcompensate with hyper masculinity to convince themselves and/or others they actually are men. It is not inconceivable that Grell did exactly that to conform and avoid being exposed to danger.

In this case, it is likely that this persona is either very different or even the polar opposite from what she used to present herself as. Perhaps during her partnership with Madam Red, the choice for such a demure role was to help her temporarily live as a man without having to re-experience the traumatic life she had ended before.

“Yes” - Method acting

Grell is a self-proclaimed great actress, but no matter how gifted an actor, the possibility of slipping up will always exist. Grell is not performing in a 3-hour musical with a passive audience that’s simply there to see her shine; no, she is being undercover for a high-risk mission that tolerates zero mistakes.

Adopting a familiar persona can ensure maximum ‘naturalness’ and smoothness; it is a “role” that she had rehearsed for many years already, after all. She would already know why she used to act in a certain way, how she would have responded in surprise situations. This could spare her the effort of having to improvise a “logical” behaviour should her cover be tested, and could save her from being caught for character-inconsistencies.

To allow for this method acting however, Grell would need to trust herself mentally stable enough as not to be affected by unpleasant memories. Perhaps Grell has had enough time and opportunity to move past her trauma, who knows? In this case the violent serial murders stem from just perverse vindictiveness rather than being a reaction to trauma. Or it is even possible that Grell’s vindictiveness and hate were simply stronger than her trauma. We really can’t tell.

Conclusion

In conclusion, we don’t know enough about Grell to be able to tell whether the demure butler persona reflects her former self. There are equally valid reasons for both theories.

Under the assumption that the trauma is still present in Grell, it is most likely that the demure and hopeless butler is a far departure from past-Grell. This means that this persona only tells us what Grell was NOT like, but we are still left with no clue as to how Grell presented herself before she killed herself.

Alternatively, if we find it more likely that Grell would opt for the strategy of method acting, and therefore having ‘the familiar’ to fall back on, it would be possible that the butler persona does give a glimpse of her former self. This however, would demand the precondition that Grell has another coping strategy for her past trauma; a trauma we know was so unbearable it drove her to suicide.

I hope this helps!! What do you think? ^ω^ What would you have done if you were in her shoes?

MASTERPOST Furukawa Era Kuromyu

MASTERPOST Gender in Kuroshitsuji

MASTERPOST My Art

MASTERPOST Analyses & Info

Man!Greller Debunking Series

#Grell Sutcliff #Grelle Sutcliff #LGBT #Transgender #tw transphobia mention #tw suicide mention #suicide mention #transphobia mention #butler grell #butler disguise #disguise #madam red #Jack the Ripper Arc #Jack the Ripper

58 notes · View notes

mumblino · 3 years

Text

My self discovery journey

Heyo!

This is not what most of my posts are gonna be like, but I felt like it was important to talk about, and pride month is a perfect time to tell my (summarized) self discover journey~

My name is Brandon, although I don’t care if you call me Mumble. My pronouns change a lot since i don’t really know myself that well, but currently, they are He/Him, They/Them and It/Its. There are also days where I don’t really identify with any 3rd person pronouns, I’m just me, and that’s what I mean when I say No Pronouns.

I have Depression, Anxiety and Combination Type- ADHD, which is why i am on the internet a lot.

This is a very long post, so buckle up

//TW: Transphobia, Enbyphobia, Homophobia, Anxiety, Depression, ADHD, Disordered Eating, Racism (not a huge part, but there are mentions of it), Self Harm, Mentions of a Psych Ward, Medication

I am a trans-masc, afab teenager. I am a romance-neutral aromantic (my interpretation of that is that I don’t mind romance, but I don’t actively want one or seek one out), and a sex-repulsed asexual (I am completely repulsed by the idea of engaging in sexual intercourse with anyone). and I am currently out to my friends, my mother, and my step-father, and am in the beginning-middle of my transition.

I started questioning my gender identity when I was in early 7th grade, after my friend Saturn (pronouns are They/It/Bun) first came out to me as Non-Binary, and asked me to use They/Them pronouns.

I’ve never really actively considered myself straight. I’ve always seen love as between two people, and while I usually thought of a man and a woman, I have always been open to same sex couples. My best friend in 2nd grade actually introduced me to the LGBTQ+ community (not directly, but she did talk about those types of things quite a bit), and while I don’t want to assume her sexuality, I am fairly certain she experienced attraction to both boys and girls.

Before this, the only thing I really knew about trans people was that they existed, and I didn’t really care that much. However, my brother and my father had the idea that most LGBTQ+ people are “snowflakes” and since I didn’t know anything else, I believed them.

However, I wanted to learn more about Trans people, and how to be respectful and supportive of them. I did, at the time, consider myself to be LGBTQ+. In both 5th and 6th grade I thought I was either a lesbian or bisexual, since I didn’t know the difference between aesthetic attraction and sexual attraction, and well, people are pretty!

I also had this need to be very masculine, and I always have. I’ve always wanted to be a tom-boy, to be the masculine one in the group, be the Buttercup of my friends! And during th grade, as I started to learn more about LGBTQ+ people, I wanted to be the top. I wanted to be the stereotypical lesbian. The one with the androgynous style, chill attitude, and the one that scares the shit out of guys.

I’ve even said to myself (not knowing that being trans was a thing) that I want to be a boy. I’ve always identified more with the guys at my school. Not in a pick me girl way, but in a “I relate to you a lot, and I feel like I fit in with you” way.

And to some extent, I wouldn’t be surprised if this is because of how often feminine guys are made fun of. I would not be surprised one bit if this is because femininity has always been demonized to me, especially if a guy is being feminine.

Anyways, through this dive into the Alphabet Mafia, I found out about asexuality. It really resonated with me, because I always found sexual things gross, but that also confused me. If I was asexual, why did I want to be masculine so badly? Why wasn’t I like the other girls? I’ve always felt like an outcast around most people, but especially girls. I never related to them. I always related to more masculine people, and boys especially.

After this, I decided to start looking into trans culture, and FTM culture especially. Through this I found Kalvin Garrah. I know now that he is very much a toxic influence on the Trans community, but he taught me a lot about trans culture. I also found Sam Collins and Jammidoger through him, who also taught me a lot (and are much more positive influences.) These FTM youtubers taught me a lot, and I started to realize, that I might be trans.

Because of this, I decided to ask Saturn if they could refer to me by They/Them pronouns. I went with They/Them because I didn’t feel like I passed well enough to use them. My hair was still long, I wasn’t out to my family, I still acted feminine sometimes, etc.

I would also like to make note of the fact that at the time, I was not very accepting of most gender identities outside of the “binary” and didn’t consider it a spectrum. I had a very close minded and rigid view of gender, and this is mostly due to family influences. This view is why I didn’t want to use He/Him pronouns, because I didn’t feel like I deserved it. I have since grown out of that viewpoint, reflected, and tried to do better when trying to understand other people’s identities.

This stress of my identity crisis, untreated mental conditions, toxic friends, and general struggle with school caused me to develop disordered eating habits. I have never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, however I’ve struggled with disordered eating for a long time. During 7th grade, I started to struggle with binge eating. The moment I would get home, I would immediately start a binge. It was uncontrollable, I felt horrible, and eventually, my mom had started to notice that I was eating an unhealthy amount.

A few months after this, I started to see a therapist, and at the end of my first session with her, I came out to my mom. I could not be more thankful for how supportive of me she is. She has only shown love, and care for me, and the only time she’d no to a step in my transition, is out of a genuine concern for my physical and mental health. She is also religious, but she loves me for the way that I am, and has a very loving and positive viewpoint when it comes to that.

I didn’t do much for my transition at the time (other than switching my pronouns to He/They at some point) and focused more on school, depression, and my romantic orientation.

This was a part that really confused me. I’ve never had a crush (except for one that came from peer-pressure) and I’ve never had an interest in romance. (Keep in mind I had no idea what ‘Aromantic’ was) So what was I? For the time being I decided to consider myself either bi-romantic or hetero-romantic, because like I said, people are pretty, and I tended to notice pretty girls more than pretty boys.

There was also another hurdle. My (now ex) group of toxic friends. These friends weren’t toxic in the way that they wouldn’t include me, they were toxic in the way that they would talk shit about any minority group, a lot of which i was a part of. They were racist (I am not a poc but it still made me upset and uncomfortable) ableist (they threw the r-slur around a lot) homophobic (this was the biggest one, mainly making fun of them, callng them ‘pixies’ and would say they would ‘burn them’) and transphobic/enbyphobic (they didn’t consider they/them pronouns valid, they threw around the ‘attack helicopter’ joke, and they would dehumanize trans people, and call them ‘transvestites’)

Over the summer, I still spoke to them, and tried to ignore all of their behavior, because if I had cut them off, I would be completely alone. I have an extremely intense fear of abandonment, so the idea of doing that was comparable to death.

Through the first half of 8th grade (I was doing school from home) I didn’t talk to many people other than them. I stayed in my room a lot, and the first half of 8th grade was a steady decline in my mental health. My depression and anxiety had significantly worsened over that time, and I was extremely lonely. This was also worsened by the fact that I have ADHD, and at the time, it was undiagnosed, so I was failing almost all of my classes.

The only way I was able to comfort myself was through my hyperfixations, and over the summer, I had a developed a hyperfixation on the Origins MCRP group. Because I had nothing else to do, I decided to pick up drawing again, and in October, I did an Origins version of Inktober. Every day, I would draw a different character from their series Fairy Tail Origins. I did not complete the challenge, however I did get through the first week, and I am proud of myself for that.

One one of the days, I had to draw a character named Brandon (partial inspiration for my name lel.) Brandon is a sky devil-slayer, and a co-guild leader of a guild named Divinus Magia. and I decided to draw him in a picture that symbolically showed his mental struggles with a devil named Jupiter. I posted it to the fan discord, and the actor and creator of the character (online username is ReinBloo) noticed my artwork. I was extremely excited about this, and decided to start drawing more and more.

Because of this newfound motivation to pick up drawing again, I decided to create my own persona. I decided to make my main persona a revised design of my profile picture at the time. It was an improvised character, but I liked the aspects of it, and in late 2020, (yes i am 14 shut up) I created my main Oc, Jupiter. (at the time he didn’t have a name and I landed on Jupiter because I like it, and it fit him.) Jupiter is a space inspired demon, with dark grey skin, white star-like freckles, pure white eyes, white hair (that is slightly purple) and light gray ram-like horns with gray stripes on the base and tip. His color palette is that of the Asexual flag, and this was originally unintentional, but since I like the colors, and my Asexuality is an important part of my identity, I went with it.

I fell in love with this character, and he helped me figure out a lot about myself. I continued to watch origins, and draw for them (mainly ReinBloo’s characters lel) and on January 27th of 2021, in the premier chat of one of the episodes of My Hero Origins, I met MissyLea (She also goes by Lea, and Vesper). We instantly became friends, and moved over to discord to continue our conversation. By February 10th, we were already planning on being platonic valentines. We related on so many things, she was so kind, and loving, and understanding, and very quickly, I grew a strong emotional bond with her.

By the end of February, I developed an emotional attraction to her. I wanted to be with her forever, and while I personally wouldn’t consider it romantic right now, at the time, I did. After a few months of identifying as Aromantic (I had learned about it by now, through the Asexual community) I decided to change that label to Demi-Panromantic. I realized that I didn’t really see her gender, I didn’t care. I love her, and that’s all that matters to me. Now, I feel as though it was more of an emotional and somewhat sensual love for her, but even so, I love her to the edge of the universe and back, no matter what our relationship is.

I have told her things I’ve told no one else. When I was struggling, she was there for me, with kind words, and an endless amount of unconditional love. She is the type of person everyone deserves to have in their life, whether they are a friend, a family member, a partner, or anything else, everyone deserves to have a friend with the amount of love in their heart that she has.

On March 19th, I decided to tell her how I felt. When she said she felt the same way about me, I was happier than ever. To have someone who feels the same way about me as I do about them is amazing. We started dating later that day.

It’s only been 3 months, but I feel like I’ve known her for 3 years. Vesper has made me feel complete when I’m around them, but they’ve made it so much easier to stand on my own as well.

Near the end of my 8th grade year, I officially cut them off, and came out to them (albeit in a very aggressive way) and I wouldn’t have been able to do this without Vesper’s support. Just one person has made it so much easier to cut off toxic people.

Vesper’s support also made it easier for me to be more open with my therapist. I began to tell her more of what I was struggling with, and it has made my mental health journey so much more bearable.

Over these past two months, I have finally gotten a diagnosis, and been able to truly know what direction to go in to properly treat my mental health.

I hope that by sharing my story you can better know me, and I also hope I can help create a safer environment for others to talk about their stories.

I hope one day people will be able to be themselves, and talk about their experiences, without the fear of judgement, or persecution, and if just this one post helps us get closer to that, I will be happy.

Happy Pride Month everybody! You are all amazing, loved and valid! 🌈💖

5 notes · View notes