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limarieb · 7 months

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love is a double-edged sword

Pairing(s): Wanda Maximoff x Female!Reader (Past Wanda Maximoff x Vision)

Summary: Falling in love with your presumed-to-be-straight best friend could have been possibly the worst, most cliché thing you have ever done. But, it could also have been the best.

Warnings: internalized homophobia, coming out, occasional swearing used, brief mention of non-consensual kiss

Word Count: 4.5k

Author's Note: ahh my tumblr debut! this was the first mcu fic i ever wrote — i hope you guys enjoy.

Main Masterlist | ao3 | Wattpad

...

Since the age of six, if anyone asked you who your best friend was, you would proudly respond, “Wanda Maximoff”; she would do the same with your name.

But, you’re not exactly sure when your feelings for her become less friendly.

Maybe it was one of those times she had gone off on a tangent and explained the latest book she read, saying how much you’d “love it if you just listened to her and read the damn book.” You found her passion for stories endearing, perhaps even admirable. Maybe it was Field Day during the seventh grade; the outside air was plagued by blistering heat, but — with her long, brunette hair tied up in a high ponytail — she made sweating look good . Maybe it was the fact that, when you came out to your family last year, she had comforted you afterward; she held your face in her hands, wiped your tears with her two thumbs, and told you any girl would be lucky to have you.

You were sure at this moment that you did not want “any girl,” however, because the only girl you wanted was the one sitting in front of you.

You mistakenly let out a scoff. Of course, you would fall victim to the “lesbian falls for the straight best friend” trope. Wanda, on the other hand, thought the scoff was a response to her; thus, she pulled you into a tight hug, trying to convey how deeply she cares for you.

“I’m serious, Y/N,” she whispered into your ear. “One day, some girl is going to love you for you .”

You didn’t reply.

It was the second to last day of your junior year in high school. Thankfully, you had finished your exams, but the school required everyone to attend until the last day anyway.

It’s not like you could’ve done much for summer anyways; it has been raining all week, and it’s not like you got your license, nor do you even own a car. Additionally, you reasoned there could be far worse places to be in this moment, like home.

As you closed your locker, a mischievous brunette was lingering on the other side.

“Hello, Wanda. What can I do you for on this very fine day?” you said, sarcastically putting emphasis on the “very fine” part of the question.

She chuckled as she shook her head, “Nothing, at least not with that attitude.”

“Fine,” you gave in quickly, in pursuit of the real reason behind this conversation. “Seriously, though, what has Wanda Maximoff in such a chipper mood during school hours?”

Somehow, your question made her smile grow wider. “You’ll never guess what happened this morning,” she began. “Vision asked me out.”

Now, that caught your attention, “What?”

“Yeah, you know Tony, right? He’s that annoying rich kid in our class. Anyways, he’s throwing some sort of party for the end of the year and, since he and Vision are essentially best friends, Vision asked me to go to the party with him.”

You were only able to get one word out: “Wow.”

Noticing your lack of enthusiasm, Wanda turned her body completely towards you, “What? What’s wrong? Aren’t you excited for me?”

Truthfully, you were not excited for her. It’s not as if you did not know of Wanda’s infatuation with Vision; in fact, you could probably never forget the number of times she would talk to you about his “beautiful, blonde hair” and “pretty eyes.” Vision was not necessarily a bad kid, but you just hate that she just couldn’t like you like that.

It’s not like you could share this desire with your best friend either; ergo, you opted to put on a brave face and say, “Of course, I’m excited for you.” And, in case she didn’t believe you, you playfully elbowed her side, “If it goes well, I better be the maid of honor.”

You know that had convinced her, for she bit her lip and nodded excitedly.

“Oh,” Wanda started. “One more thing…”

As you looked at the mansion that stood before you, filled to the brim with a plethora of drunk teenagers, you uttered to yourself, “I don’t know why I let her talk me into coming to this. One day, I am going to have to stop agreeing with her on everything.”

You know you wouldn’t — if she wanted something, you’d make sure she’d get it. Nevertheless, that didn’t stop you from finding situations such as this annoying.

You walked through the front door. Immediately, your senses were overwhelmed by the strong smell of alcohol and the loud music blasting in the atmosphere. You attempted to push through to get through the crowd of people and find the person responsible for your presence. Before you could get much further, you felt another person grab and pull your wrist from behind, forcing you to turn around.

Wanda.

“Y/N, you came!” she tried to yell over the music. You could tell she wasn’t drunk, but she had definitely consumed something alcoholic. You failed to get a word in before she continued to pull you by the hand to venture further into the crowd of people, “Come on, let’s go dance!”

Moments later, you found yourself awkwardly “dancing” with your best friend. Although, she seemed to be having the time of her life. When she noticed your stiffness, she brought you closer to her, allowing you to hear her say, “Don’t worry about everyone else… Just dance with me!”

So, you did. You let go of any apprehensions, allowing yourself to move freely with the music and the girl in front of you.

Meanwhile, Vision stood across the room with a drink in hand. Not really thrilled by what he was seeing occurring between you and Wanda, he decided to end it. Drunkenly strolling over to you two, he pulled her from your grasp and into (in your unbiased opinion) one of the grossest, sloppiest kisses you had ever witnessed.

You weren’t exactly sure how to respond, partly due to the fact that there wasn’t exactly a reason to be envious of him anyways. So, you stood there awkwardly once more, pushing the jealousy down within you.

Wanda, on the other hand, was not thrilled by the action either. She knew he was drunk, tasting the alcohol the minute he forcefully placed his lips on hers. Quickly, she pulled away, “What the fuck, Vision? What was that?”

With a smirk aimed at you, he replied, “What do you mean?” She scowled, “You can’t just do that! Why would you ever think that was okay?”

“I should ask you the same thing.”

Now, she was the one in a state of confusion, yet hers was not fake, “What do you mean?”

“Y/N,” his retort made you look down at your old, worn-out sneakers. You weren’t entirely sure what direction this was all going, but you already knew that you did not like it.

“What about her, Vision?” “She’s obviously into you. I saw how you two were dancing together. My friends saw it, too. How is that supposed to make me feel, Wanda?”

Despite not being able to look up due to the embarrassment, you could feel the anger rolling off of Wanda’s body, “That is so not true, Vision, and you know it! Why are you acting so insecure about it, anyway? She’s my best friend, and I’m not even gay !”

You know she didn’t mean it like that , but something about the way she yelled the last part at the teenage boy came with a sort of venom — as if “gay” was synonymous with “bad.”

“You know what, Wanda? I’m done with this argument. You choose now : me or Y/N.”

That took Wanda aback, “What?”

“You heard me.”

“No, Vision,” she began. “That’s not fair, I refuse to choose between you and my best friend.”

“Either you choose me, and we can continue dating, or you choose her .”

A moment passed. In an attempt to not outwardly demonstrate the pain, you clamped your eyes shut. Honestly, you were about to walk away, accept defeat, and simply pretend this night never happened in the first place; you would have let her know later that it was alright, that if she wanted him, she could have him without someone like her standing in her way. Before she could move her feet to leave, however, she heard Wanda finally speak: “Fine, then. I choose her.”

Upon her decision being made, you finally looked up with wide eyes. Vision had the same wide eyes as you, but his face was paling from the initial rageful red that painted it moments earlier. Now, you shared two things with him: your love for Wanda and the visible shock that she chose you over him. It took every fiber of your being to not smile, as you knew now was not the time to celebrate such a victory.

Before another poisonous comment could be passed between the two, Tony stepped through the crowd that had surrounded you three. “Okay, man. That’s enough. Let’s go,” he ushered Vision away from the scene.

The crowd dissipated, leaving your best friend standing there alone. You took their exit as an opportunity to make sure Wanda was alright. You tried to reach out to her, to touch her shoulder. Maybe it was to pull her into one of your two’s infamously tight hugs; maybe it was to just let her know you were just there . You don’t know why you reached for her, but you didn’t really think before acting since it just felt like the most natural thing to do for you. Immediately, your hand was shrugged off by the brunette. Your body began to feel hot, and tears started to form in your eyes. You refused to cry, though, instead choosing to look down at your feet once more and begin your journey back home.

Within minutes you were back in the comfort of your own bed. With a harsh swallow, you continuously replayed the events of tonight over and over again. You laid there, reminiscing on just how utterly humiliated and alone you felt.

Even then in your state of depression and self-pity, you only hoped Wanda was doing okay.

Wanda left the party soon after you did. Similarly, she went home and found herself collapsed in her bed.

She didn’t bother changing out of her clothes, nor did she take off her makeup. Internally, she wishes that the bed would swallow her in order to leave the ramifications of tonight as a “potential” occurrence rather than an “actual.” She just doesn’t understand why: why he would do something like that; why the universe hates her; why she turned you away when she knew you did nothing wrong.

A brief, soft knock at her bedroom door removed her from her cyclical round of thoughts. “Come in,” she whispered, not trusting her voice to carry across the room like it usually does.

The door creaked open slowly, revealing her twin brother standing on the other side. “Hey, сестра,” he began, approaching her bed with caution and sitting beside where her legs laid. “How are you doing?” [sestra | sister]

She doesn’t acquire the information about how exactly he learned about the events of tonight, perhaps from some friends of his that went to the party. Instead, she chuckled humorlessly, “How do you think I feel, Pietro? I think I just lost my best friend and the guy I liked in one night.”

“‘The guy you liked’? You mean, Vision?” he wondered. “Honestly, I didn’t like him anyway. You didn’t lose much on that front. But, what happened with Y/N? You guys never fight.”

“I don’t even know, Pietro. One minute, we’re just dancing and having fun because you know Y/N — she never comes to parties. I wanted to make the most of the night. As we were dancing, though, Vision walked up to us, stole me from her, and just kissed me. Not only was it without my consent and out of spite, but it was just gross.”

The latter statement made the twin brother laugh. She continued, “I pulled away quickly because I was just so angry , you know? Like why did he think he could just do that? So, I asked him, which caused us to have an argument in the middle of the party. In the end, he gave me an ultimatum: him or Y/N. Of course, I chose her because… I don’t know, Y/N is Y/N.”

He sat there next to her, listening intently. He sighed, “Yeah, but what happened between you and Y/N ?”

She closed her eyes, “I don’t know .” The statement wasn’t a lie because she truly did not understand why she reacted the way she did towards you, her best friend. The tears started flowing again, soon turning into a set of sobs that ultimately racked her body. Her brother swiftly leaned down, taking his sister into his arms; she continued to cry into his chest for what felt like hours.

After some time had passed, the sobs slowed down and transformed into sniffles. Pietro looked down at his sister, “What’s wrong?”

She refused to look up, but she knew she had to get this off her chest. “Pietro,” she released in a single breath. He affirmed to her to continue, “I think… I think I’m gay.” There was another beat of silence before she slowly proceeded once more, “I think I like Y/N.”

There it was: the beast of the truth that was unknowingly weighing her down was finally released.

If it was even possible, Pietro pulled her closer in his embrace. Though he was aware that discussions of sexuality were becoming increasingly accepted and treated as an insignificant portion of someone’s life, he also knew that this was a big deal for her . He acknowledged such a fact, “I’m proud of you, Wanda, and I’m glad you told me, especially because I know it must have been difficult for you to realize and go through this on your own — even without Y/N… is this what caused the rift between you two? Did you tell her, and she rejected you?”

She scoffed, “Quite the opposite, actually; Vision accused her of liking me — which she probably doesn’t — but I just stood there, screaming at him that we were ‘just friends’ and that I ‘wasn’t even gay.’ You should’ve seen her when I shrugged her away after, Pietro. She looked so hurt . I hurt her.”

“You want to know how to fix this?” he asked, quickly followed by a confident nod from her. “You have to talk to her. Even if she didn’t like you, this is not something to lose such a close friendship over. For the record, though, she does like you. I’ve seen the way she looks at you, and that is definitely someone in love.”

Her head snapped up at the accusation, meeting the smirk that was plastered on his face. If he was right, she really messed up. She urgently needed to see you, to tell you once and for all how she truly feels about you; thus, she told her brother that she was going to find you and left him and his smirk behind.

Wanda didn’t have a clue about what she was going to say when she saw you; she didn’t have a script, nor did she have any guidelines to follow. She just knew she had to see you , only then would everything make sense for her.

You were on the verge of sleep when you could feel the vibrations coming from your phone. In a sleepy haze, you picked up the phone. The brightness made you unexpectedly squint your eyes, but the Caller ID was unmistakable: Wanda Maximoff.

You weren’t sure what exactly to do in this situation. On one hand, you knew you could not face another rejection, specifically from her. It would probably break you beyond repair. On the other hand, you could never say no to Wanda, even if it meant answering her calls at the most random times of the day.

So, you shakily tapped the green button and pulled the phone close to your ear.

“Hello? Y/N?” you could hear Wanda ask on the other side of the line.

“Hi,” you responded back. Wanda noted how soft your voice sounded. Normally, she would consider such softness an adorable trait of yours, but she knows the reason behind it. She knows it was her fault that you felt insecure at that moment.

“I’m– Um, I’m outside; can you come downstairs to open the door?” Wanda asked. Now, you were almost completely awake; the question made you raise your eyebrows in astonishment.

Despite your initial surprise, you muttered a quiet approval that you would meet her at the door and made your way downstairs.

To say you were nervous was an understatement. You don’t know what she’s going to say to you. You unlock the door and reach for the handle of the door, slowly turning it and pulling the wooden door towards you until you’re able to see Wanda on your front doorstep. Even with the low amount of yellow light coming from the bulb outside the door and the makeup visibly smeared on her face (probably from crying, you note), all you can think about is just how pretty she looks.

Her eyes look up to meet yours, causing your breath to hitch for a second. You weren’t certain about how to go about this, “Uh, do you want to come in? We’d have to go up to my room quietly because my parents are home.”

She accepted the invite, nodding her head hesitantly. The two of you walked upstairs, through the hall, back to where you had initially been laying in your bed and wallowing in your pity. You got back in your bed and crossed your legs as you sat against the headboard. Wanda, however, did not sit alongside you like she usually does; instead, she paced around your room. It was obvious that she was stuck in a state of stress and anxiety that you had never seen, even when she failed that one test back in sophomore year.

Your eyes trailed back and forth as you observed her pacing; suddenly, she came to a stop in front of the bed. Her body was not facing you, rather it faced the way that she had been walking moments prior. She started to play with the rings littered on her various fingers, which you had learned early on that it was a nervous habit of hers. You chose to remain quiet and to let her speak when she was ready due to the evidently difficult subject matter, but you couldn’t help your own anxiety rising.

Without looking at you, she finally broke the silence: “I need to tell you something, Y/N. I need to tell you a few things, actually. I’m not sure how you’ll react, but I also know that you didn’t deserve what happened to you tonight, to be put in that situation. You deserve more than that; honestly, you deserve everything good, and I’m so sorry that I put you through that. I completely understand if you don’t want to talk to me or be friends with me anymore, but I would not forgive myself if I didn’t at least try to salvage us.”

You sat silently in shock but continued to let her speak: “I thought I knew myself. In fact, I was so sure I did. Yeah, I may not have known the answer to some stupid math equation in school, but I knew the kind of clothes I preferred to wear, my favorite food to eat when I’m sad or stressed out, my go-to karaoke song. I thought I knew myself , inside and out. But, I don’t, or at least not as well as I thought I did. And, honestly? That’s freaking me the fuck out because, if I don’t know myself , how can I know anything else? I know that probably makes no fucking sense, but… yeah. I’m just really scared right now, but I talked to Pietro, which helped a bit. Um, he was right. Vision was right.”

Your face fell. You thought this was it, she was finally going to reject you and leave you.

In the deafening silence swirling around the two of you in your bedroom, she eventually decided to look at you. She saw the way your body sagged, how utterly defeated you looked; the brunette realized that you took her statement in the wrong way, “No! No! No! I didn’t mean it like that! Fuck ! I’m fucking this up. Okay, no, Vision is not right about anything other than the fact that I don’t like him. I don’t like boys… Truthfully, I’m not sure. I just feel so confused and stupid for not realizing such a big thing sooner. That’s what I meant when I said I thought I knew myself: I thought I knew that I liked boys, which I feel like is something that many people know from the beginning.”

“So, you’re… gay?” you quietly asked. You might be almost as confused as Wanda claimed to be.

You watched as the brunette nodded slowly, “I think so? As I said, I don’t know.”

“Okay,” you bit your lip, concentrating on forming something insightful to say next. “Thank you, Wanda, for telling me. I know how difficult and confusing it all is — believe me. Some people figure it out relatively early; others don’t realize it until they’re married with kids. There’s no timeline to any of it, okay? I know we’re kind of in this weird state right now because of tonight, but no matter what, I’d always support you.”

In a brief moment of confidence, Wanda turned her head to face you. You could see the water in her eyes that threatened to fall, her lip beginning to quiver. You rapidly stood up and walked over to her. With the two of you finally facing each other within a two-foot radius, she threw herself at you, wrapping her arms tightly around your neck. Your arms found their way to her waist, snaking around her and finding placement on her back. Both of you kept holding on tighter and tighter, afraid the other would try to leave. You could feel her chest rising and falling relatively fast as she cried into your neck and shoulder, repeating the phrase “I’m sorry, Y/N. I’m so sorry.”

You removed one hand from her back; instead, you placed it on her head. With a trembling hand, you tread your fingers through her long hair. In an attempt to calm her down, you whisper things of assurance like “It’s okay,” “You’re okay,” or “It’s going to be alright.” You’re not confident they worked, but you could feel her breathing begin to slow down again. You moved the hand from her hair to her shoulder and pulled back in order to ensure she was okay enough to continue; shifting from the shoulder to her hand, you grasped it and squeezed.

You moved to sit on the edge of the bed and patted the spot next to you. Wanda was noticeably apprehensive, but she sat anyway.

“Are you okay?” you inquired, your eyebrow slightly raised in concern.

“Yeah, I am. At least, I will be eventually,” she trailed off. “There’s one more thing, though… probably the hardest for me to tell you out of all of them.”

Your eyebrows raised slightly as your interest peaked, but you knew to stay quiet again. She proceeded, “I told you that I don’t like men, implying that I do like women, which is true to an extent, I guess. Um, but it’s not ‘women' as in plural. All I know is that I like one, but I’m not sure how she feels about me. I want to tell her so badly so that we could try to be more or something, but I don’t know if she feels the same. I just don’t want to ruin us.”

You nodded your head for her to continue, “Can– Can I ask which lucky girl caught your eye?”

She moved her gaze upwards, resulting in your eyes locking once more. You could tell she was battling with herself internally about whether or not to answer with the truth, for she was harshly biting her lip. Yet, what you didn’t expect was her quiet, albeit one-word, response: “You.”

At this moment, with your eyes locked and her confession having been spoken, you swear your heart skipped a beat. Wanda Maximoff, your best friend and untold love of your life, just admitted she liked you as more than a friend.

Her eyes grew concerned and her face paled since you weren’t responding. “Please, say something… Y/N?” she pleaded.

If there was a time to deal all of your cards on the table, this was it: “I like you, too, Wanda. In fact, I love you. I love you so much, Wanda Maximoff. You don’t have to say it back or whatever; I know tonight has been a lot for you to deal with, but I’ve just wanted to say that to you for so long.”

A toothy grin grew on her face, reaching from ear to ear, “Really?”

“Yes, really. Um, can I kiss you? You don’t have to say ye—“

You were stopped effectively and prematurely when a pair of lips touched yours. Not just any lips, though; they were the softest , purest pair that was owned by your love , Wanda Maximoff. It’s slow at first, neither one of you sure of the other’s boundaries and not wanting to cross wherever they lie. But, as your lips part further allowing her to deepen the kiss, you just think, Wow.

You continue to kiss her for a minute or two before you’re out of breath and need to pull back for air. Before she can pull back completely, you give her a quick peck on her rosy lips that was probably filled with more intimacy and confidence than that initial kiss.

Pulling the brunette closer to you, you lean down and get the two of you comfortable in your bed. You’ve cuddled like this before during past nights where one of you spent the night with the other girl: you as the big spoon and her as the little one. You deeply appreciated nights like these, but you loved them even more so now that they hold a different context.

Your hand finds its spot on her hip, going beneath the shirt she wore. The two of you know it’s nothing sexual in nature, rather it’s a result of your need to just feel her. As you both began to nod off to sleep with your thumb continued to rub circles on her soft skin, you heard her voice call your name softly once more, “Y/N?”

“Yeah, Wands?”

“I love you, too.”

End.

#wanda maximoff x reader #elizabeth olsen x reader #wanda maximoff x female reader #wanda maximoff #marvel imagines #limarieb #limarieb wanda maximoff

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cdt12345 · 3 years

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We've been friends many years but I've never thought to ask; Top 10 gay OTPs?

1.) Ian & Mickey (Gallavich) - Shameless us

What can I say about these two that we haven’t already said about them?! They are my absolute all-time favorite couple ever! Gay or straight. They perfectly complement each other, they love each other on a level I feel like I’ve never seen before (and I have watched a lot of tv/movies), they’re like a comedy duo, they support each other, understand each other better than anyone else ever will, they fell in love as kids, they bring out the best in each other, and they’re each other's best friend. I’m a sucker for opposites attract, who are also best friends. Gallavich really fits that bill. I wish they didn’t have to struggle so much to get their happiness, but I’m happy they finally got it. When they got married, it felt like the biggest victory ever! We went through those years of struggle with them, rooted for them, mourned for them when John Wells let Noel go after season 5. So much has tried to keep these two apart, even real-life circumstances tried to keep them apart. The chemistry between these two characters and between Cameron and Noel was so powerful, they were brought back to the show. That kind of thing doesn’t happen very often. When an actor leaves a show, they don’t usually come back as a series regular, let alone two actors who have already left the show. It felt like a miracle! I will never forget getting the news that Noel was coming back from you @luckyshazmrsmonaghansblog I was crying with happiness bc we wanted this for so long and I never believed we would get to see both Cameron and Noel back on the show. Or that they would get their happy ending outside of a jail cell. Especially after Cameron left the show in season 9. With their return we got a wedding, an entire season of them as a married couple, we got to see them dance with each other twice, we got them singing together, we got to see them start a lucrative business together, we got to see them free and happier than we’ve ever seen them before, and we got to see Terry get what he deserved after putting them through hell. We are only halfway through season 11, but I already feel so fulfilled with this extra time with gallavich that we were never supposed to have. JW tried to take that away from us. I will never understand why, but he failed. I am not surprised this is the one I wrote the most about. I can go on and on about gallavich!

2.) David and Patrick - Schitt’s Creek

This was everything I ever wanted to see onscreen, where there was zero homophobia. The pansexual character didn’t need to have a big coming out or tell everyone in the town of his sexual orientation, except his best friend. The gay character had a coming out with parents who loved and accepted him for who he is and was only upset that he felt he couldn’t tell them sooner. I dreamt of a day where I could see this kind of representation onscreen. The casual treatment of their sexuality was so refreshing and something I’ve been waiting for. There is no darkness or huge struggle they had to overcome to be together or a sad ending for them. They were allowed to be together without the major conflicts most LGBTQ characters have to go through. Once David made the first move Patrick was comfortable allowing himself to fall for David and start a relationship with him. He was so sure of his feelings for David after that first kiss, he never looked back and I loved that. They had such an adorable love story. Truly one I have been waiting to see for so long between two LGBTQ characters. They made me smile every time they were on screen. They are another of my OTPs that are exact opposites who complement each other perfectly. Patrick was welcomed into David’s family and blended in with them so well, even when he and David had very different upbringings. Patrick serenading David with Tina Turner and then Mariah Carey at their wedding is one of the most romantic things I have ever seen!

3.) Holt and Kevin - Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Captain Holt and Kevin are strange men on their own but together they are the perfect pair. They get each other in a way no one else does. The best part is their adorable fur baby, Cheddar! They seriously make the cutest family! I was so nervous when they went through a rough patch for a while because I didn’t want them to split up. Thankfully, they made it through and are still going strong!

4.) Will and Vince - Will & Grace

On the show's first run, Will and Vince were in a serious relationship and Vince was Will’s longest relationship on the show. They broke up a few times but were together by the series finale. The two reunite during the funeral of Will's father. There was a time jump on the series finale. Though I didn’t love everything about the last episode, I did love the fact that Will and Vince had been together for 20 years and raised a son together, who was conceived through in vitro fertilization with a surrogate. After the time jump, nearly twenty years later, their son goes to college and meets Grace's daughter, whom he would eventually marry. Though I wasn’t happy with the fact that Will and Grace didn’t stay close over the years, it did allow for their kids to one day meet, fall in love, and get married. I did like that outcome out of the finale. My family and I used to watch the original show, but we refused to accept or watch the 2017 revival because they completely changed everything from the original series finale. The second I found out they were changing everything; I knew I couldn’t watch it. They even wiped the existence of their kids from the first series finale. The revival was an attempt to cash in on the reboot craze and I wasn’t happy about that already, but even more so when they were going to break up one of my OTPs for easy money. Bobby Cannavale, who played Vince, has become even more famous since starring in Will & Grace. So, I already figured he wouldn’t be back for the show as a regular, but I know he did guest star. I won’t accept the revival and to me, Will and Vince stayed together, and their son married Grace’s daughter. THE END!

5.) Albert and Armand - The Birdcage

Miss Albert and Armand were the earliest gay couple I remember ever watching onscreen when I was eight years old. I have watched this movie more than I can count over the years. It is a family favorite that we quote often. Their son is planning to marry a girl whose father is in politics and is very conservative. They have to hide the fact that he has two gay fathers for one night, but everything goes awry, and comedy ensues. Nathan Lane and Robin Williams give a wonderful performance without resorting to using the stereotypes that are often used on gay characters, especially back then. It’s a classic!

6.) Stefon and Seth - Saturday Night Live

Okay, hear me out on this one! They’re not the most conventional OTPs on my list, but I really do love them so much! Stefon started doing a correspondent segment on Weekend Update on SNL. The first time Stefon came on, he flirted with Seth Meyers. The second he did I was like ooh they would make a cute couple! Stefon the wild party guy and Seth the serious news anchor. It was a match made in heaven for me. Before Seth Meyers left SNL to do Late Night with Seth Meyers, Bill Hader came back to play Stefon for Seth’s last episode. I didn’t expect what happened next to happen at all! They gave Seth and Stefon the ending that I haven’t even gotten from some actual scripted shows. I never expected Stefon and Seth to have this big ending, but I could not be happier that they did. I’m posting the link to the six-minute skit/ending and I hope it works. It’s worth watching. Though the video says it’s Stefon’s farewell it was really Seth’s farewell episode.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rj-wYWMdWNk

7.) Mr. Simmons and Peter - Hey Arnold!

Anyone who grew up watching this show already knew that Mr. Simmons, Arnold’s teacher, was probably gay. It was hinted at in the Thanksgiving episode. Arnold and Helga visit Mr. Simmons on Thanksgiving at his house and his family and “friend” Peter are there. Mr. Simmons mother says she didn’t know Peter was coming to dinner and Peter responds with the infamous line “There’s a lot of things you don’t know.” When Mr. Simmons mom tries to get him to take a woman friend to the ballet, he says he loves the ballet and Peter gives him a disapproving look and Mr. Simmons immediately declines. Those were enough hints for us fans to decide Peter was his boyfriend. Years later, the show's creator Craig Bartlett finally confirmed Mr. Simmons is gay and had them together in the 2017 Hey Arnold: The Jungle Movie. It was so exciting to finally get the confirmation years later, even though I was already certain of it for many years. I was happy that the cartoon no longer had to settle with vague hints about it.

8.) Callie and Arizona - Grey’s Anatomy

I was very happy to see a lesbian couple on prime time tv and I really liked both characters. I was excited to root for them but sadly as most couples on this show, their relationship took a turn, and I wasn’t thrilled about it. I was disappointed that it came to an end. By then I was already getting tired of watching the show. It was starting to feel like a chore to watch it every week. I tried to stick it out because I don’t like to give up on shows in the middle of it, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. I’m glad I did though because the shocking events with Derek Shepard, is something I’m glad I wasn’t around for. Anyway, I heard things between Callie and Arizona got even worse, so I was even happier I left when I did.

9.) Sherwin and Jonathan - In a Heartbeat

This was one of the cutest things I have ever seen! I wish this got the full-length movie treatment instead of a short film. But it was still a step in the right direction for the LGBTQ community. Gay characters in cartoons always bring me such joy and that was the focus of this short. A boy with a crush on another boy with a cute ending. What is not to love?!

10.) Mitch and Cam - Modern Family

Another show I had to give up on in the middle of the series. The show began to be less funny and more annoying to me. Another reason, that really has nothing to do with the show itself, that used to annoy me was that this show repeatedly beat out Parks and Recreation during award season. Parks and Recreation is a superior show when compared to Modern Family. This show won almost every year for years and it got really annoying especially when the quality of the show started slipping and they kept winning. After a few years, they finally stopped winning all the time. But before all that, I was a fan of Cam and Mitch. They were a great couple who I loved watching on the show. They were the best part of the show most of the time. But sadly, my annoyance of the show no longer being as funny as it used to be, was enough for me to stop watching.

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alittlebitgoofy · 3 years

Text

if i had my way i would be yours - chapter two (taywhora)

i’m pretty proud of manaing to keep to the deadline (mostly i mean it just hit tuesday and i said late last week but it’s basically monday and been a lil over a week)

this chapter is fun, tayce and her journey with denail and internalised homophobia

ao3 link

“You cunt! Why’d you blue shell me!” A’whora huffed, placing her controller on the table before directing her attention to Tayce.

“You hit me first, you little hound! I swear, it was like four red shells!”

“Yeah, but you were ahead of me,” A’whora whined, her frown beginning to form into a pout as Tayce stared at her with a raised eyebrow. “You were first, not my fault.”

A’whora was cute when she was angry. Video games lit up her competitive streak more than anything, leading her to pout and whine whenever she was beaten. Her complaints were currently directed at Tayce, who’d narrowly beaten her in the last race. Bimini watched them with a bemused grin, the more tayce tried to calm her, the more A’whora pouted.

Tayce tried to hold back her amusement, though seeing A’whora turn away from her with an exaggerated huff made her break character, wrapping an arm around her shoulders with a laugh. The blonde squeaked as she was pulled in, quickly wrapping her arms around Tayce and leaning her head on her shoulder.

“You got lucky,” she murmured into Tayce’s chest, curling into her arms further around her waist as the taller girl ruffled her hair. “You’re so competitive, just accept you lost, you little idiot.” “Can you two stop flirting and move so we can do the next race?” Lawrence shook her head, turning to Ellie to mutter something into her ear. The taller woman snickered, catching the attention of the pair, quietly separating before going back to playing.

Tayce shook it off, remarks like that weren’t something that bothered her. Their relationship wasn’t like that, she didn’t like girls, and A’whora was like a sister to her.

So why did her heart beat faster at the blush on the blonde’s face, why did she need to watch her flusteredly trying to play it off and failing miserably?

She’d always thought A’whora was cute, anyone with eyes would have. Something about her drew Tayce in the moment they met; the way she pouted when anything slightly didn’t go her way, how she laughed at her own jokes, the way her eyes lit up when Tayce laughed at something she said, her dimples showing as she grinned.

She could admire the beauty of her friend without it meaning anything, right?

“Tayce! The game is starting!” Tayce snapped her attention back to a giggling A’whora, gesturing to the screen with a shake of her head.

Fuck, the game. Why did she agree to play again? Ellie had subbed out for Bimini, the five of them somehow making the four player game work. Tayce tried to shake her thoughts, focusing on beating A’whora, hearing her whine about Tayce cheating one more time, both of them knowing she was better at the game but not wanting to say it.

---

Tayce spent the rest of the time trying to act cool. No one seemed to notice anything off, too attentive on the game and the comments that the loser would always drop, denying a lack of skill and saying it was the game.

Bimini was too caught up texting their girlfriend to try and swap in to play, it slightly irked Tayce to see people happy in a relationship. Though she’d never say it, it stung knowing she lacked something to get that from anyone. Everything she tried failed, what was she lacking that everyone else seemed to have?

The more she pondered it she became away from the ongoing tension with Lawrence and Ellie. It was clear something was going to happen soon. The way their attention went to each other instantly.

They had each other, the idiots just didn’t realise it quite yet.

A’whora was the only one like her, though she never understood why. She was perfect, sweet, but not afraid to stand up for herself. She was funny, quick witted to a scary extent. She always knew the right thing to say to get Tayce bursting into laughter, though her insults would sting like nothing else, she always knew where to strike. Not too bad to turn people on her, but harsh enough to shake up the person it was directed at.

The blonde caught onto Tayce’s introspection, quietly moving to grab her hand and making the brunette jump in the process.

“You’re thinking too hard again, aren’t you?” A’whora titled her head as Tayce turned away, denial. Great.

“I’m fine, I'm just bored,” she muttered out a response, knowing neither of them believed it, but attempting it anyway. A’whora saw straight though her, grumbling at the lack of proper response before moving closer to her. Her arms found their way around her waist soon after and Tayce had to fight the dopey smile coming to her face from the affection.

“Don’t let them get to you, you’ll find the right person, it just takes time. I haven’t, have I? You’re not alone.” Her tone turned softer, whispering so only Tayce would hear her.

“Yeah, thanks Rory.” Tayce gave a small, genuine smile, wrapping her arms around her waist back to pull her into another hug with the attention off of them for the time being.

“I’m still better at mario kart than you, though,” Tayce giggled at the exaggerated pout on A’whora’s lips at the quip.

She knew she messed up the moment, but it felt too good to see A’whora giggling, her dimple showing enough to make anyone squeal in how adorable she was.

“We’ve won a similar amount of games! Don’t discount me there, lass!” Tayce just shrugged, holding back her laugh at the pout on A’whora’s face, turning her attention around them to see Bimini looking at them with a raised eyebrow, their eyes flickering back to their phone briefly before continuing to watch them in interest.

Ellie and Lawrence were thankfully too distracted in playfully insulting each other; it made A’whora and her look tame in comparison to how much they unwittingly flirted. At least it kept the attention off of them, Tayce gestured to whatever they were up to, and Bimini let out a laugh at the mess of them just before figuring out their feelings were mutual.

The games kept going, keeping the thoughts away for that much longer. She was acutely aware of how A’whora started to lean against her, grumbling when Tayce attempted to move. She huffed more at losses, not deflecting it with jokes as she had been an hour before. Everyone had started to quieten down now, A’whora just happened to be more grouchy than the others the more time passed.

It wound down as Bimini announced the last game, A’whora having given up playing a while ago to lean against Tayce and mindlessly scroll through her phone. Someone commented on her being suddenly antisocial, to which she just grumbled and turned to Tayce for defence. “She’s just grumpy cause she’s tired, don’t mind her,” Tayce quipped, getting a laugh from their friends as A’whora groaned next to her. “Oh fuck off, you’re supposed to stick up for me.” “You’re like a child who’s up past their bedtime,” Tayce deadpanned, A’whora rolling her eyes at the statement though still stayed leant against her roommate.

They’d made it home soon after. A'whora was scarily quiet, though Tayce knew it was because she’d spent too much time with people and exhausted herself mentally. She didn’t bother her, only sliding her hand over hers when they got into the uber to get home.

“Are you going to bed now?” Tayce questioned as they got in, A’whora turning to look at her quizzically before responding. “Not right now, I’m going to get into bed and go on my phone for a bit until I fall asleep.” She shrugged, voice laced with tiredness she wasn’t willing to admit to. “Alright, I’m going to play some games until I feel tired, don’t stay up too late. I know how pissy you get when you don’t sleep enough.” “I do not!” A’whora shook her head, laughing as Tayce shot her a look of shock at the denial. Tayce’s presence made her relax, not feeling the social exhaustion so much when she engaged in conversation. “You absolutely do, and don’t try to deny it. You better not be up by the time I go to bed.” “I doubt I will be, but never say never.”

They bid each other good night, Tayce turning to her room to hook up her xbox and play some more. It kept her brain occupied letting the previous thoughts wash away. She didn’t know what had come over her, but it was something she’d shake off soon enough. It took an hour of online playing for her to start to feel the fatigue, turning it off and stretching before going to move to her bed. She remembered A’whora, wondering if she was still awake. It was getting late, and if she wasn’t asleep by now then tomorrow would be a long day. Curiously, she went to check, poking her head round her door to see a sleeping A’whora with her phone on her chest.

Of course the idiot forgot to put it on charge. Tayce laughed silently, moving to put it on charge to avoid the complaints she’d hear the next morning. Tayce felt her eyes linger on her asleep roommate. She knew it was weird to look at her sleeping, but she looked so peaceful, curled up in her duvet with her face half buried in her pillows. She was adorable while awake, this felt like something she shouldn’t get to see, A’whora fully relaxed and cozy in her bed. The brunette left soon after, confused about the lingering image of how adorable A’whora was in her brain. The warmth in her chest prevailed as she started to fall asleep, something in her wishing she could hold A’whora as she slept. Be close to her when she was that relaxed and vulnerable.

She couldn’t think too hard on it before she was asleep, only hoping whatever was going on would pass within a few days.

She never looked at A’whora like that, why would she start now?

#tayce #a'whora #taywhora #rpdr fanfiction #if i had my way i would be yours #tayora #i hope we don't have to start using this tag pls

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koko-bopp · 4 years

Text

Exposé

min yoongi x jeon jungkook x male!reader

word count – 4K

genre – Angst, fluff

warning(s) – argument scene, mentions of homophobia and racism,

synopsis – An incident happened where your boyfriends had had an interview on national television, and one of them publicized your relationship with then. You're the manager of Bangtan, so your concern fell on your job, your relationship, and your life, but also what it meant for the jobs, lives and relationship of your boyfriends.

A/N – for @thatcucumberwhore :))

"Are you guys fucking kidding me?"

Jungkook accidently jumped at the tone of your voice, though Yoongi seemed less surprised. You'd come in practically throwing down the door of you and your boyfriends' apartment, and that being said, you weren't surprised that Jungkook jolted at the noise, it was unlike you.

"Hyung, er–" Jungkook tried his best to speak up, but was cut off quite quickly.

"I'll get to you later," You snapped, and your attention was fixed on Yoongi. He stayed silent, which is a habit that seems to occur whenever he was nervous, but you were fuming, barely thinking about what your boyfriends' might be thinking. "What the fuck, Yoongi. What the actual fuck, you can't just announce shit without–"

"I did," Yoongi argued, standing up from the couch, looking up at you in anger, "And frankly, so did Jungkook, and you knew damn fucking well it was gonna happen anyway."

"You didn't fucking consult me, Yoongi," You grinded your teeth down, doing your best not to react irrationally, "You can't just make decisions because you feel like it, that fucking stunt could've cost us our job!"

Yoongi had no trouble talking back, "Well, it didn't."

Jungkook went in the middle of you two, clearly anxious and panicking, not knowing how to properly resolve the argument. "Guys, please can we just–"

"No," You snapped, slapping away Jungkook's hand before glaring at him. Honestly, you were so insulted by Yoongi's recklessness, and especially because you're the manager of Bangtan, you had no idea what this meant for your career, but not only yours, Yoongi's and Jungkook's too, "You do understand that our boyfriend just outed us on live television, right? South Korean. Television. Where marital relationships like ours aren't recognised by law."

Yoongi grapped your wrist, forcing you to look at him, "How long were you expecting us to keep this a secret?"

"As long as it kept us safe," You spat.

"Even if it was taking a toll on our mental health?" Yoongi said, almost too calmly, "Not everyone can keep themselves sane enough when it comes to this shit, [Y/N]."

You frowned and just stared at Yoongi.

"Mind you, your job is to look after us as well," Yoongi added.

"That requires you to fucking talk to me, Suga," The anger became evident, especially for Jungkook, because you only call Yoongi by his stage name in a professional setting, never outside of it, "Not snake around and leave things up to you."

You ripped Yoongi's grip on your wrist, taking one last glance at Jungkook before getting your jacket from the hanger.

Clearly, staying in the apartment wouldn't do your anger any good, leaving before the water begins to tip was probably the best option. You didn't look at your boyfriends', just spoke, "I'm staying at Jin's. Don't call me."

✨

"You might as well change your Facebook status to 'complicated', and start feeding my cat, bro," Jin said from the kitchen, "You've been living on my couch for four days. Four days. I don't see why you can't just talk to them."

"I don't know..." You huffed, "Bro I deleted all my social media, and I haven't even opened the television for the last few days...I've yet to cop it from PD, though. God knows what he's thinking."

"Yeah, and no offence, you and your whole, 'Im gonna pretend I'm not bothered by acting so overly professional in the workplace with my boyfriends' isn't proof that you're unbothered. It's proof that this is effecting you," Jin walked into the living room, who beers in hand as he did. He tried handing you one, though you rejected the offer, wanting to remain sober while you're still upset.

Your bestfriend, after your boyfriends, is the eldest member of Bangtan. Partly because you two are the same age, you being just a bit older than Jin, but despite that, you two understood each other well. Also, another reason that your relationship with him is so good is because it's the best entertainment to be around Kim Seokjin, the sarcasm is inevitable.

"Look, I get what Yoongs was thinking, but I also get they you may not have been ready, but I also think you just shouldn't give a shit about what people have to say about you," Jin placed his input, sitting down on the couch near you, throwing a leg over the other, taking a swift sip of the beer. "And that's coming from singer that racists and homophobes hate, those fucks on twitter are the worst."

You laughed at his reasoning, your eyes fixed on the loose string on the knee of your jeans. They're ripped jeans, they're supposed to be there, but it bothered you. "I'm still mad that they didn't ask me about it first.."

"No, that's fair. You feel lied to, I get that," Jin responded, "But, people make mistakes."

You scoffed, "Not like this, I don't put people's lives on the line," You shook your head, running your thumb on the bottom of your lip for a second, "This is Seoul, it's super hard to get a job, it's worse if you're not straight, even worse if you're not pale."

"Yeah," Jin agreed, "But in your case. What radical fan is gonna let Jungkook and Yoongi leave– no– get kicked out of BTS? You know how fucking mad people would be? ARMY would literally boycott BigHit. But let's say it's you who needs to leave, those two would quit their jobs in a fucking heartbeat, people would still be mad at BigHit, and more accepting companies would do anything to have those two in their company."

You smirked in amusement. It sounded true, those two are the biases of a lot of fans, people would pissed.

"And to add onto that," Jin continued, "Bangtan would be mad. You think any of us would put our jobs over our bestfriends' happiness? No fucking way. We're wanted eveywhere, it would take an email and two phone calls to get us a job somewhere else."

You smiled at that, but you remained silent, it was always nice talking to Jin. He was always honest. You lifted your head up to look at your best friend, a little hesitant to give a response, "Do you... Do you think I should..."

"You still got it?"

"Both of them. Always."

"Yeah. They still love you, I wasn't gonna tell you, but I'm pretty sure Yoongi was crying about it."

You stood up from your seat immediately, throwing a pillow at Jin, "You bafoon! You didn't think to fucking tell me?!"

"Ow! I still have a beer!" Jin defended in a protective, half-ninja pose to protect himself from more pillows, stretch his hand to keep his beer alive and unspilt on his leather couch. "Just remember that they need to apologize too, it's not all your fault. Go and see your mans'."

You didn't waste another moment. You throw your jacket over your shoulder and quickly grabbed the keys to your car, slipping on your shoes and racing to get into your car.

The apartment, thankfully, wasn't far, and you know the city of Seoul like the back of your hand so getting there wasn't an issue, it was more about emotionally preparing yourself.

It wasn't as if you thought about what you were gonna say, but hearing that one of your boyfriends who are always so strong broke down crying wasn't a 'think-first-act-later' moment. Jungkook, god, and Jungkook, you'd yet to figure out how he's been handling everything, but you know for Yoongi's sake, he'd try to be staying as strong for him as possible.

You'd gotten three texts from Jungkook in the last four days. One apology, a sticker, and an 'i love you', but your stubborn trait got the best of you. Now having a silent moment, you wish you'd responded.

"Hyung..?"

You didn't know what to say, but you were standing at the door of your apartment with Jungkook in front of you.

You could tell he was hoping for this, he just didn't know when.

He threw his arms around your shoulders, catching you off guard, but as soon as you'd regained your senses, you returned the embrace just as tight as he'd given it. He had his face buried into your shoulder, one hand in your hair trying to remember the feel he thought he'd forgotten, "I thought you were leaving us..." He whispered, holding back a sob.

"Jungkook, I'm so so sorry, I overreacted. I was being a jerk and–" You spewed, but was interrupted when your boyfriend shook his head.

"No, no– I'm sorry too, I thought we were doing the right thing and–" He accidently sniffled, a tear falling down his cheek, "–Ah, fuck... Jagi, I'm just so glad you're back."

You kissed Jungkook's cheek from where he was, bringing your hand up to cradle his head lovingly.

You'd do anything for Jungkook, hes your boyfriend and you love him so much.

You continued to embrace Jungkook, before speaking in a small whisper, "... Kookie, baby... Is Yoongs okay?"

Jungkook pulled away from the embrace slightly, but your hands were still on his waist. The younger wipes the tear stain on his cheek first, "He's had better days... A lot of better days."

"How bad?"

"Remember when Namjoon-hyung and him fought that one time?"

"Oh no."

"Yeah.. But this time it's more heartbreak than anger. I think you'll be fine."

You kissed Jungkook one more time, smiling at hin before hesitantly letting go to head towards Yoongi's room.

You made it three quarters of the way there, then saw the 'go away' mat in front of his door with the cat flipping the finger. It made you chuckle, knowing that then Yoongi had bought it despite the fact that nobody is allowed to walk into the house without socks.

Yoongi does things because something tells him it's the right thing to do. He doesn't act then think, he'll probably think for years and the finally act.

"Jagi..." You knocked gently on your boyfriend's door, "Yoon. It's me... Please open–"

Your request was filled before it was finished, the door swang open to reveal a rather teary Min Yoongi, and your heart didn't handle it well. But you probably didn't notice it well enough, because he threw his arms around your neck almost immediately after. He begun sobbing into your collar with his hands gripping the back of your shirt like you'd run away if he let go. He spoke through tears, "[Y/N], I'm so sorry, I didn't think about how you'd feel and," He sobbed, "But please, p-please don't leave again. I thought–"

"Shhh, baby, breathe for me," You said softly, kissing his forehead as a way to comfort him, before pulling away to look at your boyfriend, holding both of his hands in yours, "Yoongs, it's okay, I'm sorry too, and I know this is something we can work around because I love both of you so so much."

You motioned for Jungkook to come too, watching him walk over then holding his hands too.

It took only a second to exhale, but it seemed too long, "I love you two more than anything in this world. You're more important to me than my job, than my pet–"

Jungkook gasped, "Don't say that! Fluff is a beautiful pet!"

You laughed, and Yoongi didn't stop himself from giggling, but you continued, "Regardless, you two are the best thing that's ever happened to me, that I get to see your faces in the morning is a blessing enough." Jungkook was getting teary and Yoongi was holding back tears as much as he could, but you continued, "You're my heaven on earth. I want to be able to spend the rest of my life with you too."

You for down on one knee, Jungkook's eyes going wide and Yoongi's jaw unhinged to its full capacity. You pulled out the velvet box containing two identical rings, opening it carefully to reveal them.

"Min Yoongi and Jeon Jungkook. Will you steal my last name?"

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thoughtfullyyoungduck · 4 years

Text

secret son

A/N: this was requested by anonymous, I hope you enjoy, let me know what you think. I might make a part two with Richie and Eddie’s son getting to know each other a bit better if anyone wants to read that? How’s everyone doing during this time?

Summary: Could you write a fic post it chapter 2 where months after the fight with Pennywise eddie shows up at richie's house with the ten year old son he didn't mention he had?

warning: some homophobia (like really really brief though)

Richie is nursing his third whiskey when a harsh knock on his door catches his attention. The scotch, a real one from Scotland with an earthy and smoky flavor that Richie only drinks when he’s feeling particularly sorry for himself, sways dangerously over the edge before stilling with only a drop off spillage when Richie hurries to steady the glass.

The reason his emotion threaten to bury him tonight more than usual, is the texts he has received from Bill. It wasn’t a bad text, but he asked if Richie had any idea why Eddie hadn’t answered his phone for a few days, and now Richie can’t stop his thoughts from spiraling. After reliving the same trauma twice, panic is the automated response when someone forgets to check in with them.

He’s being ridiculous, Richie tells himself, especially since he himself hasn’t texted Eddie in, well not since he left Derry. He packed his bags faster than Eddie had started walking again, choosing to run when he confessed the extent of his love for Eddie, and it was met with pure utter silence. His phone had started buzzing as soon as he crossed state lines, Eddie’s adult face pinched in annoyance gracing his cellphone screen, the photo he had taken during dinner the very first night after he won the game of arm wrestle, seemingly laughing at his expense. He didn’t pick up.

Of course he kept up with Eddie’s progress through the other losers, but he refrained from reaching out to Eddie on his own. Ever the coward, his traitorous mind provided with a hiss, the dark part of his mind growing a little everyday he wasn’t in contact with his best friend. Cause that was the place that Eddie still inhibited in his heart. He might have turned away from Richie’s feelings, but Richie still considered Eddie his closest friend, even if the opposite was true vise versa.

It’s his own fault anyway, if only he had some self-control, so he could stop the words from overflowing and his darkest secrets from tainting the perfect facade he had built around himself. When Bill texted that Eddie didn’t answer any calls or texts, Richie swallowed his pride and his embarrassment, sending a quick and short message Eddie’s way.

The white hotshame burned brighter than it had since Eddie turned Richie down when the former went radio silent. Richie supposes that he had that one coming, but that didn’t stop it from hurting. Another insistent knock caused the pounding in Richie’s brain that to intensify, by whoever is knocking gets what they want, Richie downing the rest of the scotch in on go, slamming the glass against the counter and getting up. He has no clue who it could be.

The last person to drop by his apartment was his manager, after Richie had neglected his duties as a comedian once more, to rouse him from an alcohol induced slumber and get him ready from him show. Today is Richie’s off day though, so he knows that it can’t be him. The only person that Richie can think off is his neighbor asking to borrow something, but that doesn’t appear to be likely. Whoever he was expecting to see, the man he left in a Derry hospital bed before said man was fit enough to leave was not it.

‘Eddie?’ Surprise crosses Richie’s face as soon as he makes eye contact with him, blinking dumbly behind his giant glasses who are sitting askew on his face. He looks good, a lot better than he did when Richie last saw him, white as a sheet and trembling from head to toe.

It hurts physically to see him up close again, while Richie wants nothing more than to reach forward and touch him, to hug him even in just a friendly way, but Richie figures that that is off limits. He can’t shake the look in Eddie’s eyes when he told him he loved him as more than friends, the look of pure and other fear, of him. Not Pennywise, but Richie, like not even being attacked by a killer clown was a terrifying as someone having a gay crush on you. He tries to focus on the now rather than reliving the moment that has haunted his dreams more than Pennywise.

‘What are you doing here Eds?’

Eddie’s face is doing that thing again where he can’t complete hide the fact that he is worried, but he’s trying his best to stay calm for someone else. It’s a sight that was thrown Richie’s way one too many times, often when he did something stupid and Eddie had to fix him up, but now Richie is unsure what could be the reason he’s sporting the look, until he lays on the little boy standing next to him.

With furrowed eyebrows, he stares at the kid who is clasping Eddie’s hand in his tightly. He can’t be more than six years old, his legs yattering with what Richie assumes is impatience, and he’s shamelessly staring at Richie. Kids don’t know any better he supposes.

The eyes strike recognition in a deep part Richie can’t name for himself, and suddenly, without any second guessing, he knows that the child is Eddie’s. A dead give away are the eyes, but also his general presence reminds him of a younger Eddie.

Something in his face must give him away, for when his gaze turn back to Eddie, all he does is nod. There are a thousand question Richie wants to ask him, for example why he never brought him up when they first reunited, or what they’re doing at his doorstep, but he notices how exhausted they look, and so he gestures with his head, giving them permission to enter the house.

‘Thanks Rich.’ At the sound of Eddie’s voice his body jolts, more aware than ever that a part of him went missing and he has no idea how to get it back or what to do about it.

Richie rushes back towards his kitchen, pushing past both Eddie and his kid, to hide the bottle of booze still out in the open. He’s not very subtle about it, and he can see on the judgment on Eddie’s face before it is carefully concealed.

‘So, what are you doing here Eds.’ Richie struggles to appear indifferent, but he is confused and dying to know why Eddie and his son where here, so he imagines that he’s not pulling it off very well.

Eddie glances at his son, still holding his hand and resisting the urge to pick him up. When he doesn’t respond straight away, Richie turns towards the boy, who is looking hesitantly up at him. His personality clearly mirrors Eddie’s, his wariness having transfer onto the next generation.

‘What’s your name bud?’ Ever since he was little, Richie has this gift when it comes to children, being able to communicate with them, and understand them when adults write their quirks off as annoyances.

He used to have a bond with Georgie back when he was still alive, and despite the usual horror stories off siblings, he got along great with his sister once she was born. He’s hoping that whatever charm helped him do that, will help him form a band here.

‘My name’s Matthew, but everyone calls me Matt.’ He seemed to be shy, toying with the hem of his shirt.

‘Are you my dad’s best friend?’ Richie blushed a bright red, since he not really knew what the answer was supposed to be. He assumes he still is, but he’s unclear about what Eddie might have told matt.

Thankfully, Eddie answers for him. ‘Yeah he is Matt.’ For a moment it’s quiet again, and the room fills with an awkward tension, neither Eddie nor Richie knowing where to go from here.

‘Is there somewhere Matt can explore?’ Eddie inquires eventually, the extra meaning behind his words crystal clear to him.

We need to talk, but not with my son in the room.

The apartment is not nearly big and all composing enough for a child to be able to go exploring, there’s only really 5 rooms in total, a kitchen, living room, the main bedroom and a guest bedroom and bathroom, none of which are necessarily child proof.

He does have a PlayStation attached to the tv in the guest bedroom however, even though he rarely uses it, and so he figures that’s the best place to direct Matt too.

‘You wanna go play a game buddy?’

Matt peers up at his dad, who nods reassuringly, giving him a gently push Richie’s way.

He waits for Matts affirmative nod before leading the way. It’s a miracle the thing works, as it’s been for three years completely unattended, but as soon as it starts Matthew jumps up and down excitedly when he sees the Mario kart logo pop up.

Richie leaves him with the door open just an inch, so that Eddie can still see him from the living room. ‘Do you want something to drink?’

‘No thank you I’m good.’

The awkwardness lays heavy on Richie. Things have never been uncomfortable with Eddie before, and he knows that it’s his fault that it is now. He wants to make a joke, or steer the conversation into safe waters with light topics to talk about, but he’s also aware that there has to be a reason why Eddie would show up to talk to him this late, without a phone call or any sort of notice. Because Richie’s brain is still muffled by the alcohol and he can’t think of a joke to make, he decides to ask the obvious first.

‘You didn’t text me back, Eds.’ It’s a stupid thing to stay, Richie knows considering he didn’t call Eddie back for months, but the question is out in the open and there’s no taking it back anymore.

‘My phone died on the way here.’

‘You fucking drove here? If you wanted to see me that bad you could have boarded a plane.’ Richie cringes when he hears himself speak. That was a quip he was used to making, but one that no doubt caused internal disgust in the other man.

‘I left Myra, and I need a place to crash.’ Eddie opts to say, despite it not being an answer to the question. For a moment Richie fears he might pass out, stumbling backwards but managing to keep upright thanks to the chair behind him. Out of all the possible explanations he was prepared for, this was not it.

‘Wh- why did you do that?’ Richie’s voice is shaking, his attempt to steady only being futile. He’s thrown for a loop so bad, that he forgets to conceal his shocked reaction. It’s out in the open, how Richie longs for him, but the least he could do was have the decency to cover it up.

‘Because,’ Eddie peeks past Richie to see Matt, who is fully focused and engaged in the game, before gaining enough courage to say what comes next.

‘Because I’m gay.’ He manages to spit out, his hands shaking by his side while he stares intently at Richie.

Richie has never been hit before. He’s been punched before and even kicked, yet never hit, but he imagines it feels somewhat like the words Eddie just breathed to life.

It’s strange since kid Richie would have done anything in the world to hear those words coming from Eddie, to the point where at night in his bed he would imagine scenarios in which he would utter them, but the situation at hand is very different than the one he fantasized about.

The fact of the matter is, that Eddie is not homophobic like Richie suspected him to be after his reaction, he just reacted disgusted because it was Richie, and that hurt even worse. He knows his not a catch. He woke up one day in college and saw himself for what he really was, a below average looking guy whose only talent was making jokes that would annoy others, with a ridiculous loud voice. And as he got older he only got worse, but he hadn’t expected that Eddie would use that against him.

He thought that Eddie might have let him down easier, but he guesses he just has that effect on people. His first instinct is to snap back in his hurt, to reply somewhat cruelly so that his feeling don’t show, but then he comes to the conclusion that he was just in Eddie shoes a few months ago, and he can recall exactly how scared and how disheartened he had been when he received negative comments, and he can’t do that to Eddie. Maybe to someone else, but not to Eddie.

Instead he replies with; ‘Oh well congrats for coming out. Welcome to the team Spagheds.’

Apparently, it’s not the reaction Eddie expected, for his face falls and his eyebrows furrow, confusion written all over his face.

‘Rich. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before, it’s just that -.’ Richie interrupts him before he can say something else.

‘Hey, it’s fine. I get it. I wouldn’t tell the guy that made me uncomfortable either.’

Eddie blinks rapidly, opening his mouth but Richie intercepts, trying desperately to keep his feeling at bay.

‘Do you want to crash here for tonight? We can order pizza and watch a movie. Or whatever Matthew likes to eat is fine by me. I’ll get some extra sheets because I know you’d be disgusted if you found out what kind of action I’ve been getting. Not like I’m still hung up about a rejection, can you imagine?’ He laughs uneasily, scrambling to get together an extra sleeping kit, ignoring Eddie as best he can.

‘Rich’, he calls his attention, and despite being embarrassed, Richie would follow Eddie into anything, so he stops dead in his tracks and turns towards him.

‘I have a son.’

‘Yeah, I kind of figured that out Eds. I have eyes, he looks a lot like you.’

Eddie rolls his eyes in annoyance, huffing to convey how stupid Richie acts sometimes.

‘When you told me you liked me,’ Richie shrinks down, his shoulder turning in on themselves to make himself as small as possible, ‘I was worried you might feel different about me, because I am a dad.’

‘I could never, Eds. I just don’t understand why you didn’t mention him before.’

A sigh leaves Eddie’s lips, a sad smile gracing his lips. ‘I was worried IT might find out and use it against me. Besides, I didn’t even remember you guys all that well in the beginning. I was just scared.’

Richie gets it a little bit. When he was younger he was terrified IT might take his sister, and he would have done anything to prevent that. So he understands why Eddie wouldn’t say anything back in Derry, but why not after? Why didn’t he say anything when they left. Then again, it’s not like they talked a lot post clown fight two.

A thought suddenly downs on Richie then. ‘Wait, did Myra just like you take Matt with you?’

Eddie’s face turns bright red, a guilty look crossing over his features. Richie eyes turn wide as saucers.

‘Eddie, do not tell me you kidnapped your son’, Richie whispers screams, panic taking over as he thinks things through. It’s Myra, and from what he heard about her, she’s pretty much the same as Sonia, which means that she has no problem calling the police.

‘You could get arrested.’

‘Only if she calls the cops,’ Eddie hisses back, his body locked in anger, like he’s a bomb that is very dangerously close to exploding, quitting down when he sees Matt’s head peeking through the crack in the door. He waits until Matt is turned back towards his game to continue.

‘Look, I told her that I was gay, and she told me to get everything that’s mine out of her house immediately, anything that I had ‘infected with your homosexuality’. So I took me son with me. I wasn’t going to leave him there.’

All at once, the fight leaves him, and he crouches down on the couch, his head in his hands while he begins to sob. It produces back a memory, from a time where he had to go over to Richie’s house to tell him he was leaving Derry and not coming back, and Richie hurries to ban the thought out of his head before he joins in.

‘Two days ago, Matt fell of his bike in our backyard, and when he did he started practically screaming. I’m sure it hurt a little, but he was crying hysterically, and he begged me not to tell his mom, because she would freak out.’ Eddie’s eyes filled with tears focus on Richie’s, who is slowly making his way over to sit next to him. ‘Then he asked me if he would get really sick now because of the dirt on the ground that must have gotten into his wound.’

Eddie laughs humorlessly. ‘I though that by staying with Myra I would do him a favor. I was just trying to protect him. I can’t believe I was convinced staying with Myra would be good for him. She’s exactly like my mother Rich, and I didn’t protect him.’

Despite better judgment, Richie puts his arm around Eddie, shuffling closer so that their knees are touching, and Eddie gracefully accepts, leaning further into Richie so he’s practically a pillow, a sob wrenching from his throat.

‘You did protect him Eds, you moved with him right? He’s gonna know that his dad did that for him, because you loved him.’ Placing his chin on the top of Eddie’s head, Richie breathes in deeply, forcing himself to stop from being overly affectionate, even when he’s clearly failing.

‘When Myra told me she was pregnant, I freaked out. I love my son, I would do anything for him and I wouldn’t give him up for anything in this whole wide world, but when I saw the pregnancy tests, all I could think was ‘oh god please no’. I’m a terrible father.’

Richie shakes his head determinately. ‘Eds, look at me. That’s normal, we went through some tough shit when we were kids, even if we didn’t remember it. You love him, and you look after him, and trust me, none of those are attributes to being a bad parent like you claim you are.

Eddie sniffles, placing one of his hands against Richie’s cheek, who embarrassingly enough nuzzles against it like a wounded dog would to a loving touch.

‘I’m sorry Richie. I really am. I love you. I think I somehow always have, even when I forgot, but I was so fucking scared when you told me, that I turned you away. As soon as I did I regretted it though, but I didn’t want to scare you off, and I didn’t want to put Matt through that change. Can we start over? I just really want to try this again.’

Richie is almost scared to believe the words coming from Eddie, but hope blossoms in his chest anyway. The piece that had cracked when he was turned away seem to magically fix itself, making his heart feel whole again.

‘You want me to confess my love for you again? Jees demanding much? You know your mom was the exact same way, always needing reassurance that our night together felt as good to me as it did to her.’

‘I changed my mind. And to think I was about to thank you for being serious for the entire conversation.’

Despite the meaning of the words, Richie can’t help but laugh when he sees the face Eddie is pulling, cheeringly outwardly when Eddie breaks and laughs alongside him.

Matt comes out of the room to check out what the commotion is about, a childlike glee all over his face when he sees his dad happier then he had ever been. ‘Can we order Pizza please?’ He begs Eddie with the same puppy dog eyes Eddie used to own when they were young themselves.

Richie grins at the boy, and while Eddie is pretending to contain plate it Richie nods excitedly, causing him to giggle with glee.

‘Alright’, Eddie eventually pretends to give in, watching as Matt jumps up and down in pure joy. He looks like the kind of child that has an endless supply of energy, and Richie can’t wait to find out more about him. This is the son of the man he loves, and if Matthew is even half the person Eddie is, than Richie loves him already.

‘Hey Matt, we’re going to stay with Richie for a while longer okay? If you don’t have anything against that?’

Matt just shrugs, eager to get back to the game and get some eat some food. ‘Sure.’

‘oh, we can’t tell mom though, she’ll freak knowing I ate pizza.’

‘Shit’, Eddie curses as soon as Myra’s name comes back up. Matt glares at him, placing a finger on his lips as an indication to be silent, and Richie can’t help but titter.

‘We’ll figure it out Eds, we always do.’

And if Richie spend the next few weeks looking for a new house for them to move into, well then that is just them figuring it out.

#reddie #reddie imagine #eddie lives #eddie has a son #and he shows up at Richie's apartment with him #the loser club imagines #My writing #it chapter 2 #eddie kaspbrack #richie tozier imagine #Richie x Eddie #eddie as a dad

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anakinsbugs · 3 years

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Call the Midwife Trixie (BBC)

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Call the Midwife Trixie (BBC)

When it comes to “Call the Midwife’s” Trixie, there’s something unique in the way the British drama does it. It can make us feel so warm and fuzzy inside with its characters’ familiar maternal presence, but at the same time leave us gutted by the harsh realities of London’s East End in the 1960s. Who wouldn’t want to have a baby delivered by the bubbly blonde nurse Trixie Franklin (Helen George)? She heralds her still-in-pin-curls arrival—to both a birth and a new season—by chirping, “magic-carpet midwifery services at your disposal!” but by the end of the episode, not even Trixie’s happy engagement news to her curate boyfriend Tom Hereward (Jack Ashton) can scrub away the agony we’ve just witnessed over the past hour.

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Trixie from Call The Midwife

Trixie Franklin – Helen George

Trixie – Helen George

More on “Call the Midwife”

“Are we going to close after all?” Nurse Trixie asked but she was assured Nonnatus house would be safe. Sister Julienne divulged: “No. We are going to expand. Early next year I will be revealing further details”.

Characters from Call the Midwife

Helen was pregnant during the filming of series 7 of call the midwife. Her character nurse Trixie Franklin made an emotional exit from the show after Helen’s baby bump began to show and couldn’t be hidden. To create a plausible exit for her, nurse Trixie was seen seeking help after spiralling back into alcoholism.

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Helen George was born on June 19, 1984, in Birmingham, West Midlands, England as Helen Elizabeth George. She is an actress, known for the three musketeers (2011), call the midwife (2012) and the monster (2015). She was previously married to Oliver Boot.

Nurse Trixie has been the life and soul of Nonnatus house since the very first episode of call the midwife in 2012. Trixie loves nothing more than to gossip with her fellow nuns and nurses and enjoys poking her nose into other people’s business.

Helen George stars as nurse Trixie Franklin

Between biking around poplar, working late nights, and dealing with lots of crying babies (and mothers), the midwives of Nonnatus House don’t often get the chance to dazzle with their hair and makeup, but for the real-life actresses who play them, walking the red carpet is just another day in the life. In preparation for the show’s upcoming ninth season, here’s a look at what the characters call the midwife really look like.

The entire episode of call the midwife has me broken. Trixie deserves better honestly she’s just so selfless and it makes me so emotional.

All about Call the Midwife

Set in the 1950s and 60s in the East End of London, “Call the Midwife” is a period drama television series that centres around a group of midwives and nuns of Nonnatus house. They are trying to do the best they can for the community, given the medical issues and lack of facilities. Created by Heidi Thomas, the show first released in the UK on January 15, 2012, on BBC !.

Call the midwife sadly will not be back on TV screens in December 2020 as the filming of the new episodes was pushed back due to the pandemic. The BBC has confirmed the official date when Series 10 will return, however fans have been treated to a behind-the-scenes image of one iconic character.

Where is Trixie on “Call the Midwife” Season 7? We can understand the episode picking up tonight and there are many out there who are asking said question almost immediately. So, where is she? It’s a pretty simple question with a fairly simple answer: Trixie is off getting some time away from Nonnatus, presumably to recover from her recent struggles with alcohol abuse. She allowed her addiction to get the best of her and, as a result of that, put herself in a position where she could harm some other people with her habits.

“Call the Midwife” fans were in tears after Sunday night’s finale (23 February), which featured a devastating death and a powerful moment for Trixie Franklin. The season 9 finale was hailed for its sensitive handling of Ann Mitchell’s character Elsie Dyer battling against Oesophagus cancer while being cared for by her distraught niece, Jennifer Kirby’s nurse Valerie.

One of the things that we’ve come to learn with call the midwife over time is that effectively, nobody is spared from a medical emergency. That includes Shelagh and Dr Turner’s au pair Magda, who found herself at the centre of some controversy over an illness. For more “Call the Midwife” article-talk we think that you will enjoy a visit to the Totally Pregnant website here: Totalypregnant.com

The Article Call the Midwife Trixie (BBC) First Appeared ON : https://gqcentral.co.uk

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alltheangstmygifttoyou · 3 years

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Soulmate AU Part 5

A/N: I am tired and I want this story out here and the parts are going to get longer from now on I think. But finally we get to meet Noah! My son, baby boy! Also a little bitch. Tumblr makes me sad because it took away all my formatting so I’m going through and fixing that. Hope I don’t miss anything.

Summery: The boys and Elena find Noah and introduce him to Jester.

Word Count: 4624

TW: violence, homophobia, manipulation, child abuse, bullying

Jester should have known not to tell Malcolm anything about her soulmate, because now he kept bringing him up, trying to get every detail he could so he could use them against her. She was tight-lipped about it all, but Jesse wasn’t and told Malcolm everything he knew, which thankfully was very little. Jesse hadn’t even found out from Jester that her soulmate stopped talking to her, she used to avoid the topic with him as much as possible. However now that had changed it shouldn’t be a surprise that they were using it against her. She hadn’t thought it would bother her much, but thinking about her soulmate so much opened a bag of worms she had avoided touching for years. For one, she never did learn why Noah had to stop writing, some days she wondered if he was dead. She didn’t dare write back in case he was alive and still in danger, but there were many days she almost wished he was dead. So much of her life was controlled, it’d be nice if she could pick who she would be with. People were more forgiving of widowed soulmates getting together for comfort. But that thought always made guilt soar through her. Then again that wasn’t the only guilt that came when she thought of Noah. Jester had never been allowed to be in a relationship that wasn’t with her soulmate, but that hadn’t stopped her from thinking about it. It was hard to imagine being with Noah since they had still been young when they talked. There was a problem when she found herself attracted to others though, they were both boys and girls. It didn’t help that she had one main crush that she managed to keep to herself, if anyone found out she was positive Father would kill her, no exaggeration. However that didn’t stop her relishing the moments when Elena Taski brushed fingertips with her, or how she sometimes day dreamed about Elena rescuing Jester from her Father’s beating only to carry her bridal style away to a new home. Her crush on the girl didn’t make much sense, she knew that. She constantly tossed insults at Elena, ones she knew would bother her the most, and Elena did the same with her. Elena had burned her multiple times for crossing the line with insults. Elena worked with Malcolm, and both of them hated Jester. But, no matter how pathetic it was, they were the only people to interact with Jester on a daily basis. The fact that she day dreamed about Elena more than Noah always managed to make Jester feel like the worst scum. She should be trying to imagine what he looks like, dreaming up ways to rescue him. She supposed Jesse was right about her, she really was just horribly selfish.

The guilt ate at Jester, and the small comments from Malcolm weren’t helping. She found herself growing shorter with the muscular boy everyday, snapping back with insults that were much too scathing for the situation. What made it worse was that Malcolm could tell he was getting to her, he had improved on brushing off what she said to take pride in that he was upsetting her. He mentioned Noah more often and by name. He kept trying to bother her for his last name claiming that he was going to find him and tell him what a bitch his soulmate was. Elena was helping him, she sometimes saw her going up to random boys asking their names and if they knew anyone named Noah. She overheard Jesse casually toss the name out to his friends. It all came to a head in chemistry, she managed to have class with all three of them at the same time. She sat at a table in the back by herself, she used to sit next to Jesse but after a fight where he claimed he hated her the teacher had her move back. She could do labs by herself just fine anyway.

The little trio came in together, Malcolm and Jesse with wide smiles and Elena with a little frown. They dragged a tall but skinny boy behind them. He had light blonde hair that barely would go behind his ears and the lightest green eyes Jester had ever seen. He was shaking in Jesse’s grip. Jester’s eyes narrowed and she didn’t bother to smile, she had a feeling that they had found Noah, or at least thought they did.

“Guess who we found Jester? One Noah Treviti at your service!” Jesse announced before pushing the boy towards her. He tripped and fell at her feet. He was even smaller than she first thought. Elena’s frown deepened and she helped the poor boy up. Jester supposed Jesse expected some sort of reaction out of her, a declaration of longing or maybe anger, perhaps he had just been hoping to get a witty remark. She didn’t give any of it to him. She just watched and waited, eventually the supposed Noah would speak for himself and be proven true or false. She’d deal with it then. Jesse frowned and pulled out a pen. He went over and gripped Noah’s arm tight enough that he winced and pulled the long light blue sleeves up and drew a line on his skin. Immediately Jester’s skin tingled and she didn’t have to look down to know that there was a line on her arm too. She still refused to give Jesse the satisfaction of a reaction, instead paying attention to Noah, who was panicking in Jesse’s grip. He was pulling away from Jesse and breathing heavily. Elena had a hand on his shoulder that he was leaning away from. “What is it, cat got your tongue?”

“You’re hurting him,” Jester answered, feeling a protective fire burn in her stomach. Noah had a hard life, he was in a dangerous situation, he listened to her when no one else did, he didn’t deserve this. Jesse scowled and let go of Noah’s arm. Malcolm stepped in front of Jesse, clearly giving Jesse a glare before looking at Jester with a malicious smirk.

“Noah told us why he stopped writing to you--”

“Then let him tell me Lockhart. I don’t care about anything you have to say.” Jester responded coolly before he could finish. Malcolm frowned and looked back towards Noah, who had frozen like a deer in the headlights. There were definite tears in his eyes. His mouth opened to speak but no words came out. Jester felt her heart break slightly, he was definitely scared of her.

“You can just shake your head yes or no if you want and I’ll ask questions, is that okay?” He nodded, Jesse watched with a frown while Malcolm seemed to be contemplating something. Elena still just had that little frown. “Was there a dangerous situation?” He nodded his head, Jesse opened his mouth to say something but Malcolm put a hand on his shoulder. “Is that situation still a problem?” He nodded once again, he had started to rock back and forth with his back. “Would I think it’s a problem?” He didn’t answer right away and she bit her cheek to stop from expressing. He shook his head slowly and looked down. “Did you stop writing to me after you discovered your power?” He looked up at her wide eyed as did the others before nodding his head. “Do you want to be friends again?” Once again he took a while to answer before slowly shaking his head no. She felt like she was going to throw up, but her face stayed the same. “Is it because of me?” He nodded and a tear fell down his face. She clapped her hands together startling them. “Well thanks for the introduction everyone but this poor boy clearly doesn’t want to be near me so why don’t you take him away.” She smiled though her cheeks ached, it ached in rhythm with her chest. This must have been her punishment for her selfish thoughts.

“Aren’t you going to insult him, yell at him, give him the soulmate speech?” Jesse asked, pulling away from Malcolm’s touch. Jester shrugged, raising her eyebrows.

“I mean he has a legit reason to hate me, unlike you with Malcolm, so no. If he doesn’t want to be around me then I sure as hell won’t make him.” Jester explained and Jesse ground his teeth. Mr. Workshire instructed everyone to head to their seats though so Jesse didn’t say anything, just stormed off to the second row. Malcolm and Elena went to their seats two rows in front of Jester and Noah went to the other side of the room one up on her left. He had been that close to her the entire time, and she had never noticed. She didn’t do the lab that day, nor did she take any notes. She just casually looked at Noah from time to time trying to engrain his features into her mind. This was her soulmate, a tall skinny anxious boy, and he wanted nothing to do with her. She must have talked to him before, but he definitely had been one of the ones where they didn’t have a long conversation about powers. If he was scared of his power that probably put him in section fifteen, and she was supposed to know every (now) fifth year students’ powers and below, but she definitely didn’t remember him. If she had gone to the records room to find out his power then she would have known he was her soulmate, but she didn’t know, and she didn’t know his power.

Class was over before Jester had gotten far in contemplation and she stayed seated as everyone else got up. She watched Noah as he pressed his notebook into his chest and hunched slightly as he tried to get out quickly while avoiding everyone else. Jesse practically stomped out, probably disappointed he hadn’t managed to upset her. He seemed more desperate to do that lately. The whole Malcolm reveal must have gotten inside his head. Malcolm took his time to walk out, and Elena stood patiently by his side. Neither were talking, she hadn’t heard Malcolm’s boisterous laugh all of class. She wondered if they would ever realize that she had probably as much training as Elena did on controlling her emotions. Her face was a tool at her disposal, not something that did whatever it wanted. Once everyone was out of the classroom Jester walked slowly out, Mr. Workshire watching her the entire time. She wondered if he had been listening to their conversation before class started. Maybe that’s why he hadn’t said anything to her about doing the work. Most teachers didn’t like her, they knew her reputation as a bully but also didn’t have any evidence besides student complaints. However most people didn’t pay attention, and it was their word against hers, so the school did nothing. It helped that Jester was part of a prestigious family, and that most of the complainers were fellow students from section fifteen. No one in the faculty wanted to deal with section fifteen students. Things just stayed the same, warnings were given, but that was all. Jester, despite never taking notes, was a straight A student who always got the work done. Some teachers had accused her of cheating but even if she took the tests isolated she was fine. Quinn’s were supposed to be smart, so Jester was. If that meant she pulled all nighters studying sometimes no one would know with some extra makeup. She didn’t need to take notes in class because half the time she had already written it down studying in her room. Not taking notes gave her more time to pay attention to her classmates.

Jester felt like she was floating through the rest of her school day, everything was on autopilot. By the time dinner came around she didn’t even know when she had gotten into the commons. But she had eaten half of a soft slightly burnt slab of meatloaf and called it good. She walked the crowded halls until they got dingier and darker. Almost no one hung around the section fifteen area, not even the janitors. The only people who really did were people looking to ambush others, and it was just Jester’s luck that a certain redhead and her best friend were waiting for her. Jester grimaced when she saw them but Malcolm put his hands up in surrender. His palms were much paler than the rest of his skin, a fact that Jester had managed to never notice before. She didn’t change her expression.

“We’re not here to pick a fight, we just want to know what you did to Noah to make him so scared.” Malcolm said slowly, he put his hands down to his side. Jester forced herself to smile although it drained more energy than it should have.

“To him? Nothing, didn’t know who he was in person until today.” She pushed her hair behind her shoulder as she spoke, getting ready to play a little game with him. He would be confused and she would give him the simple truth and he wouldn’t believe her.

“Then why did you say he has every reason to hate you?” Malcolm asked, keeping his face rid of anything but suspicion, he was getting better at keeping his confusion under wraps. Jester was almost proud.

“Because he clearly has anxiety and I am known to be a bully. Those two don’t mix, and I know for a fact that he used to be bullied. How awful would that be to find your soulmate had become one of your torturers?” She explained and Malcolm’s face twisted into fury.

“You fucking bitch, you probably knew this whole time, this whole thing has been an act just so you could say that one line, wasn’t it!” His shout was phrased as a question but he said it like a statement. For once Jester was taken off guard. She didn’t really have an idea where he got that idea from. She went to question him but he wasn’t done. “That’s why Noah changed his story from when we talked to him to when you talked to him, you’ve known it was him the whole time and have been using him from the beginning, haven’t you? That’s why he’s so scared. You’re worse than I had ever imagined. You’re barely human!” He ranted on stomping closer to her, she knew she wasn’t supposed to show fear so she stayed where she was but her heart pounded violently in her chest and her muscles clenched, ready for pain. He was going to break her down, she was sure of it. The worst part was that she had no idea why. At least most of the time she knew when she crossed the line. If she lied she would get hurt, if she told the truth she would get hurt, it was as if the world had decided nothing she did would lead to good things. Malcolm stopped right in front of her, close enough that she could feel his breath on her forehead and she had to look up to look into his eyes.

“I really don’t know what you’re talking about, from the amount of times you’ve broken my bones I would think you would know I’m perfectly human.” Her voice sounded like a different person to her, a person who was confident in the face of danger, who made quips despite the pain soon to come. Inside she knew she was just a scared little girl, not old enough to be called an adult but at the age where most people wouldn’t call her a child. She didn’t want to get hurt again, she was so tired of being hurt.

“Well maybe I need to check one more time,” and with that he snapped his fingers and she felt as if fire ripped through her arm and without thinking she looked to see white bone jutting out covered in blood and tore through muscle exposed. She held in a scream, knowing that if she was loud it would only make things worse. Her instincts from home began kicking in. She kept her mouth locked shut and hunched in on herself. Every movement made her arm hurt worse but being hunched made it so there was less area to hit. She focused on keeping her breathing, trying to keep it at a steady rate, hyperventilating only made things worse. It was hard to focus with the voices around her getting louder, but she had practice. Block the voices out, in the end they would only bring more anticipation for the next hit.

She wasn’t sure how long she stood there, ignoring everything around her except for her breathing and trying not to throw up from pain, but eventually someone must have seen and gotten the nurses. Their warm soothing healing let her relax. She continued to focus on her breathing but let her shoulders fall. When the nurses were finished they didn’t ask her any questions on who did it. Jester got hurt often and never would tell who had done it. She went back to her dorm and laid on the stained disgusting mattress she had had for years. She was exhausted and ready to go to sleep when she felt a tingle on her arm. When she was young that feeling would fill her with joy, the guilt she had been harboring lashed out as she felt it again.

“Jester, can we talk?” Noah’s handwriting was still as messy as ever, he wrote with a combination of someone who wanted to write with as little space between words and letters and someone who wanted nice loops in their letters. The result was a sort of scrawl that was difficult to read, but Jester had gone through all different types of people's handwriting for years now. She could decode it in seconds.

“Don’t force yourself to talk to me, I get why you don’t.” She answered, ready to let the situation be one that only tortured her in her mind. She didn’t want to deal with it in the real world any further, especially not today. Then again it might have been early morning of the day after she had a bone ripped through her arm, she hadn’t exactly been paying attention to time.

“But it’s not what you think! I swear.” She wondered what his power was to make him so frightened all those years ago. She wondered why she didn’t have the faintest idea, she was sure she talked to every student in section fifteen. But it was like he was invisible to her. He must not have had an interesting power, but if it was powerful enough to scare him so badly then it should have at least been slightly interesting. Anything particularly deadly interested Father.

“So you’re not scared of me?” She wrote, hoping it didn’t sound too bitter. Or too hopeful. She wasn’t sure what tone she had been going for in the end, it was just a question to be answered.

“I’m not scared of you.” That wasn’t the answer she expected, and she sat up fully, realizing this was going to be a long conversation.

“Then why don’t you want to be friends?” She asked him, writing smaller so they could fit more on their arms. He wrote on the left and she wrote on the right. If they ran out of room they would switch to legs, but after that they would need to wash off their arms, and she didn’t want to do that too soon. She wanted to be able to look at what he wrote again.

“Jesse can’t know that we’re talking again.” Once again Jester was taken completely off guard again. She had no idea why Noah cared whether or not Jesse knew about them. Maybe he was just trying to keep out of the loop so he wouldn’t feel bad about not being able to be with Malcolm, like why they only wrote at night? However Malcolm and Jesse’s faces were both well known around the school, or at least in section fifteen, so Noah must have noticed the two working together. Perhaps he just thought of it as coincidence?

“Why?”

“Because then he’ll tell your father, and then your father will realize that you never told him my power. He’ll want to know. If he finds out, your father would try to use me for sure. That’s why we agreed to have you forget me.” After he finished the last sentence it became smudged on Jester’s arm and she realized he was trying to erase it. Her mind was reeling. So she had met Noah before, but for some reason didn’t remember him. That and she hadn’t told Father about him. Noah also seemed to be aware of the fact that Jester’s Father had a plan, a plan that should never come into fruition. Jester was missing a chunk of her life that seemed very important at the moment and she wasn’t sure how she felt about it.

“What’s your power?” She wrote back, if he could erase people's memories she could see why Father would want to use that but she didn’t see why that would make him think that he was dangerous. Then again that could have been a lie to throw Jesse off his trail. He might not even be in section fifteen. Jester didn’t really know anything about Noah anymore. He didn’t answer right away, not like before. When he did finally answer he wrote slower, it made his writing more legible.

“I can make people do whatever I say.” Jester had another set of realization bestowed upon by that revelation. No wonder he was afraid of Father using him, because there was no doubt in Jester’s mind that Father would use Noah until it wasn’t possible anymore and then keep trying to anyway. That kind of power belonged in section one, but if something went wrong it could easily land Noah in section fifteen. Based on the message from when they were younger Jester had a feeling something had gone wrong and he was in section fifteen, like her. She also now knew that what Noah was saying was very literal, people wouldn’t just perform the actions that he told them to do, but he could literally make them do whatever he said, like forget an entire encounter. She wasn’t sure what to say to that. Jester looked over their conversation so far and noticed that he had said “we” when discussing the forgetting event.

“How long did we know each other, before we decided to have my memory erased?” For all she knew she had hid it from everyone for over a year that she was in contact with her soulmate, a whole series of events gone.

“Not long, maybe an hour. You confronted me after my first class and asked me about my power. When you found out my name was Noah you asked what my last name was. When you realized that we were soulmates you had me come to the hallways of section fifteen and asked if you could give me a hug.” He had to move down to their leg to write now, their left arms were filled with his loops. “We talked about what we had missed in each other's lives and you explained your dad’s plan to take over the world. We knew that if you told him about my power he’d do everything he could to use me, even if that meant hurting my mom. You didn’t want to take the chance of him finding out so you asked me to make you forget the encounter, and ignore me unless I confronted you.” That did seem to be in character for herself, and she was glad she was only missing a little bit of her life. It also explained why she hadn’t noticed him again.

“I don’t want to forget you again.” She wrote to him the truth, because finally there was someone she could tell it to without worry of pain or punishment. She didn’t have to worry about anyone else overhearing or seeing, it was night and the only light came from a battery powered lamp she kept on at all times. She wondered if the lights in the boys dormitory were as broken as the girls, and if they were, how Noah was seeing. Jester needed support right now, when she was younger she needed it too but there weren’t so many people against her, Father wasn’t as close to winning as he was now and she wasn’t brought home to beat as often. Malcolm and Elena didn’t fight against her and she didn’t have to worry about broken bones and burns at school. If she could talk to Noah at night she wouldn’t be alone all the time, she could talk to someone about the pain. She could help him too, she wouldn’t mind having him practice his power on her, maybe they could use it to take down Father instead of him using it against them. She could listen to his problems, they could discuss homework together. Jester hadn’t had a friend in years.

“What room is yours in your dorm?” She didn’t know why he was asking that, maybe he wanted to talk in person. It was hard to wash in private in the section fifteen bathrooms.

“First hall way, take a right, fourth door down.” It was probably the only door that had a light coming from under it, but she wasn’t sure about that and didn’t want him to walk into a random room. That was dangerous. Then again, maybe he was just taking this down as a note for future information and wasn’t on his way there. His question had come out of left field. When she heard footsteps coming down the hall she felt a smile creep up on her face. No one else would be walking around this late at night, it had to be him, he did want to talk to her in person. She wanted a chance to look at him more, to see if she had missed anything when examining him in chemistry. She wanted to never forget her soulmate’s face again. Her door opened and she noticed for the first time how tall Noah was, he was very skinny but probably taller than Malcolm if he stood up straight. His dirty blonde hair was a short mess that was only floofy to the end of his ears. His eyes were a lighter green than Jester’s own. However the most noticeable thing about him was the deep frown on his lips, and the way he had long sleeves on still and long pants covering up the marks of their conversation. The only sign that he was the one who had been writing to her was the blue pen in his right hand. Jester ignored the frown, and moved over so he could sit next to her on the mattress. He stayed standing.

“I’m sorry,” he began and Jester tensed. Nothing good ever came from starting a sentence that way, the start of many sentences she had said. She didn’t interrupt him though, there was nothing she could do about what he was about to do. Although she was left to wonder if she actually had agreed the first time. “Forget about our conversation and meeting, ignore me unless I confront you again. Go to sleep.” With that the world went dark.

#writeblr #original fiction #soulmate au #tw violence #TW child abuse #tw bullying #tw homophobia #tw manipulation #learn to be

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honeylikewords · 4 years

Note

Talk to me about tros!!!! I need to know about Poe!!

Okay, I’m finally sitting down to answer this anon, and a few things before I start!

1. Most of what I’m going to say will really only make sense if you go see The Rise of Skywalker yourself. While it’s far from a perfect movie, it’d take way too long for me to try and transcribe everything that happens in the film, and the context and nuance of certain scenes. So, yeah, while it’s not a good movie, if you’re invested in seeing how the movies have played out, you should probably go see it yourself.

2. I have some... mixed feelings about the movie. I also know that what I don’t like, I can choose to ignore; despite the disappointments of the series, I don’t have to take Rian or JJ’s bullshit as MY canon. I get to decide what I do and don’t adhere to as canon. Everyone else has their own varying scales of how they respond to canon-- some are super adherent to canon, some don’t care about anything at all-- and that’s fine. So although I have beef with how all this unfolded, I also know that I can take my love that I have for the characters (and all the potential that The Force Awakens had) and carry that on through my own interpretations, re-writes, et cetera, and I can choose to ignore the poor decisionmaking on the parts of Disney and Rian/JJ/who-the-fuck-ever.

3. This ask is very open-ended, so I’m going to have to put some parameters down for myself because otherwise I’d get too overwhelmed with the breadth of information I’d need to present about TRoS. A comprehensive review would be really hard to write out, so I’ll just list some initial impressions (I haven’t been able to see it a second time, but likely will in the near future), and some of the relevant Poe-related issues in the films. If you wanna know more, feel free to send in more specific questions (specificity can help, because with my neurotype, I can easily be overwhelmed by large, “general” questions, and getting more granular can help me rein in and focus on a specific idea)!

4. Also, this post isn’t going to be friendly to R*ylo or people who straightwash Poe/are only interested in him as a straight guy. R*ylo is fucking gross, and I’m gonna rip it apart in this post, and Poe isn’t straight. I try not to be too aggressive on here (I’m generally not very aggressive at all!), but the fandom is just so toxic and vile at times that I feel like I need to put my foot down on these topics and say a firm “no” to R*ylos and Poe straightwashers. Oh, and I’ll be talking about the racism in the movie, as well as in the fandom, so buckle up for that, too. So consider this the “bigots begone!” spell as I wave my wand and attempt to shoo them all away!

Anyway...

From here down are spoilers for Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. If you’re interested in seeing the movie spoiler-free, please scoot waaaaay past this post! Last warning!

And, with that out of the way, here we go!

Alright, here’s a list of stuff as it occurs to me. I’m almost overwhelmed with information, so it’s hard to condense my thoughts, but I’ll try my best!

1. The whole Zorri thing was a fucking nightmare, but not as bad as it could have been. It was really bad, believe me, but, like, it can be ignored easily (though if you’re anything like me, it’ll still leave a sour taste in your mouth). Like I predicted, Zorri was introduced to straightwash Poe and effectively quash any queer interpretations of his character and relationship with Finn.

But, like, Poe and Zorri had no chemistry. It was almost embarrassing; they were clearly trying to work the “badass woman” angle, but, eh, she was just, basically, a minor blip on the radar; incredibly boring, incredibly useless, and just, like, a “sexy lamp” that could easily have been replaced. She added literally nothing to the film and was blatantly just an insert to try and prevent people from being able to make the case for a queer Poe. But, too bad, Disney! Poe is pansexual, dumbasses!

Oh, and while I’m on the topic of Poe’s queerness, I should add that I’m not really a big FinnPoe, myself; when it got big after the release of The Force Awakens, if felt like just another creepy Tumblr fetishization of male relationships, so that really set the tone for how I’d see it in the coming years. It’s grievously oversexualized on this site, but I also respect that, for many actually queer fans, the ship represents seeing themselves in Star Wars, and I do totally see their bond as canon. I completely acknowledge that Oscar wanted to represent the queer fans who wanted his character to be queer, and in that way, FinnPoe is definitely canon in some form!

So, I do have a complex relationship with FinnPoe, in that it’s not my personal favorite ship (I vastly prefer FinnRey, since I never really felt that Finn and Poe had a romantic tension, but felt that Finn and Rey did), but I do respect the importance of it for queer fans and for trying to push at the limitations a major series like Star Wars has had for so long. Star Wars has been dominated as a straight, cishet, white man’s fandom; it’s time other people got a chance to love it and see themselves in this vast universe, too.

The cast also seems to be leaning into FinnPoe as a form of protest against censorship and homophobia in the fandoms and film world. They’re using their positions as major film stars to push back and say “hey, queer folks belong here, too”, and that’s so great!

But, anyway, the point is, Zorri sucked, and Poe’s not straight. He’s certainly capable of being attracted to women, but he’s not a straight dude, because he’s equally capable of being attracted to men and nonbinary people as well.

Thankfully, Zorri and Poe never actually form a relationship in TRoS. He jokes about asking for a kiss, she tells him to go, and then he, at the end, sort of motions his head as if to say “wanna go kiss?” and she, again, tells him no, which he shrugs off. It’s pretty shitty, but easy to ignore.

Anyway, Poe is pan, Finn is pan, Lando is pan, Luke Skywalker is gay and nonbinary, Rey is nonbinary and probably ace, maybe interested in girls, I’m still ironing my hcs for her out, and no one can stop me! Go ahead and try to kill me, Disney (and homophobic Star Wars fans); if you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine!

2. Poe’s “backstory” is such a fucking trainwreck. They basically tried to nix a bunch of what was already canonically established in order to, get this, make Poe a drug dealer.

It’s a little more complex-- the idea is that Poe was a pilot for a group of pirates for about six years, from the age of 16 until he was 22-ish, and ran Spice, the drug in Star Wars-- but it’s also not. It’s really bad.

Way to take a canonically noble, hardworking, Latino character and reduce him to the most shitty, racist stereotype imaginable. I’ve already complained about him not needing a “dark” past, but this? This is somehow worse than him being, like, a bounty hunter, because it carries political implications and is just such a stock, trash stereotype that we don’t need in this world or in our fantasies. It’s ridiculous, and I refuse to acknowledge it.

Worse yet, it’s said that Poe “ran away from home” to join the pirates to “avoid responsibility” at age 16... dude, Poe has been shown in EVERY PRIOR CANONICAL APPEARANCE TO CRAVE NOTHING BUT RESPONSIBILITY. Yes, he’s a hothead, but he’s responsible! He wants to labor and take on caring for others because he’s a hardworking, compassionate, headstrong man! Ugh!

I could go off forever about this, but I’m already feeling myself grinding my teeth, and for the sake of my blood pressure and psychological wellbeing I’m not going to make myself go feral over it right now. Deep breaths, K, deep breaths...

3. In things I did like: Poe got promoted to general, and he made Finn a general alongside him. He really grew into his position, and I’m so proud to see him as General Dameron of the Resistance. He deserves it.

4. Poe and Finn had SO many good scenes and such great chemistry. I loved seeing them bounce off each other, and their relationship made me laugh and smile and feel warm, even as everything else was falling apart. I love my boys!

5. Poe gets grossed out by bones. Canon. Love a squeamish king.

6. Oh, ugh, I just remembered that they tried to frame Poe and Rey as having an aggressive relationship with each other and I rolled my eyes. How dumb can they be? Ugh. I don’t even have the energy to try and unpack how ridiculous all that is. More deep breaths...

7. In terms of the worst thing to happen in the movie... R*ylo, like, gets shoehorned in. Honestly, looking back at all the predictions I made a few months back, I’m entirely right; everything I predicted came to pass. This included.

It was shitty and bad and nearly all the cast has spoken out against it now that their contracts with Disney aren’t as binding, and seeing it happen on the big screen was just... oh my god, it was horrifying.

It really was.

But thankfully, Kylo died, so the ship can’t really continue! Yeehaw!

8. I actually did like parts of the ending. I’ll talk about that more if anyone asks more specific questions, but right now, I’m kinda burning out because of the wide net this ask casts, so I’ll have to defer for the moment.

At any rate, it all happened exactly the way I thought it would, bleh. Like, so much shit in the movie went down exactly the way my TRoS predictions post said, it’s almost scary.

Honestly, though, just running through all this is exhausting me; I really can’t make myself go through it all in this particular format. So, I’ll just leave this here as it is, and if anyone has any specific questions-- what I thought of specific moments, characters, scenes, etc-- send an ask! But this is all just really wide and general and burning my brain out to try and process it all again, so more specificity in future asks might help me stay more on track and not get overwhelmed trying to explain every single thing all at once.

I have tons and tons of thoughts about it, ranging from what I loved to what I’d have done different about the whole series, but I just don’t have the psychological wherewithal to make myself write everything out in one giant, dense, indecipherable post: it’s just all too much, so I’d need to break it down into smaller, more specific questions.

This probably isn’t a super-satisfying answer, but feel free to just send specific asks and I’ll answer them, no matter how many! It just helps to have a specific line of thought to follow, so feel free to ask about each individual thing and I’ll try to answer!

Thanks!

#messages #anonymous #gif warning #rise of skywalker spoilers #star wars spoilers #the rise of skywalker spoilers #ros spoilers #tros spoilers #spoilers #sorry i kinda burned out midway through this but i could feel myself getting a tension headache just listing off all the shit i hated and li #like there IS stuff i liked about the movie there's also just so much nonsense garbage that happened and i just. im just #i need more specific questions to help me limit myself from ranting about EVERYTHING and going nowhere #so if you want to know more PLEASE send some asks about specific things #(it's just for the sake of my brain health and helping me stay focused aaa)

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septic84 · 5 years

Text

Two Pats

(TW: Homophobia, Homophobic language, Bullying, Violence)

They say that soulmates can reach out to each other, even when they cannot communicate, that is how when their mothers met in the doctor's office for their checkups, they were drawn to each other.

A03

As the months passed and pregnancies progressed, Karen and Kath were amazed to find out that they lived on the same street, four houses apart from one another. Becoming fast friends, the women were constantly together. Their bond may have been inspired by their unborn children, but the friendship was growing stronger every day.

Dan and Phil could feel each other in the womb, they knew one another before either of them took their first breath of air. It was no surprise that when Kath went into labor on a sunny day in September, that Karen followed by ten minutes (even though her due date wasn’t for two more weeks.) They both went to the same hospital; they gave birth two rooms apart within minutes of each other. It was as if the babies themselves had orchestrated their births.

“They must be soulmates,” the nurse had joked, Kath and Karen seemed to agree.

They teethed within days of each other, crawled on the same Tuesday afternoon, walked for the first time in the same week, and both said their first words on the same day, facing each other while their mothers chatted sipping coffee. The word was “mine,” Their mothers knew from that day the boys were inseparable.

Dan knew when Phil was upset, Phil could feel when Dan was happy, and if they were away from each other too long, they both felt despair. They learned this the hard way when Phil had gone to stay with his grandparents for a summer when they were 8. After two weeks, both boys were so sad that Phil’s grandmother came and got Dan. The adults could tell that within minutes of being in the same room, both boys were instantly better. “Mine,” Phil said to Dan, “Mine,” Dan mirrored to Phil.

Things were easier when they were little kids; no one could explain the bond the boys had. Surely it couldn’t be that they were actual soulmates, no such thing existed, but as children, It was easier to indulge in their need for closeness.

"Why are you always hugging?" A classmate asked one day at school,

"Hugging is nice," Phil responded

"You're stupid," This was the start of the boys becoming self-conscious about their uncommon bond.

When they both entered into Middle school, they soon realized that not everyone was as nice as they were. They were relentlessly teased about how they looked, how they acted, the clothes they wore and how much time they spent together. Dan and Phil quickly realized that to survive, they were not allowed to be affectionate with each other anymore, at least not in public.

“It’s stupid,” Phil said, “Who cares what they think.”

“I do,” Dan said, embarrassed. “I just want them to like us, and they don't. We have to stop being "us" around them.”

“Okay, Dan, I'll do whatever you want.” Phil wasn't sure what he had meant, but after that day they behaved differently around each other, anyone else, and even their mothers.

After a month of this Phil was having a hard time with their new friendship, so while playing Sonic the Hedgehog he said, “Dan, I don’t like the way we are anymore. We aren't the same. It feels like we’re lying,”

“It’s not lying!” He insisted, “It’s acting, it’s not lying.”

“But it feels like we are "acting” with each other too. I hate it,”

“What if we had a signal, just between you and me? Something that is just ours?”

“What do you mean?” One web search later they had come up with the perfect signal to express fondness, two pats to the chest. In American sign language, this meant “mine,”

In 1999 they both had started their freshmen year at high school at Pine Oaks high, if they thought middle school was bad, they were in for a rude awakening. Life was cruel and unforgiving and now new insults were thrown at them. They had to enhance their acting skills to get it to stop, at least that's what Dan had said. They had picked a group of neutral friends, “inbetweeners”, but even they were not entirely safe.

“Is that a Buffy shirt?”

“Yeah,”

“That’s gay, Phil,”

“I’d let Buffy slay me!”

“Fuck off, Pete, she wouldn’t slay your gay ass,”

“Fuck off, faggot,”

Dan and Phil used these words too, it was just how it was, that’s how they blended, that’s how they would be safe. Their encounters in Middle school taught them that going with the flow kept them out of the line of fire. The morality of it wasn’t questioned, this was their survival.

“You’re all gay,” Dan said, taking the focus off of Phil,

“Fuck off Howell, you’re the biggest faggot here.”

Phil felt Dan’s racing heart, his face flush, and his shame. This was when they understood how those words hurt, how they felt, what they did. Phil caught his eye and subtly gave his chest two pats; this calmed Dan down.

Everyone was listening to Eminem by the end of the year, so they did too. They liked it, they rapped it, they represented it. It should have felt wrong, they should have felt disgusted with the things they said, they didn’t. After all, words were just words, it’s not like it hurt anyone. They knew better, still, they lied to themselves. “We’re acting,” Dan insisted, but in the back of both of their minds, something didn’t feel right about it. Still, they laughed and joined in with their "friends," that's just what you did. "Everyone likes it, Phil, it's okay." It still felt wrong to Phil that they had every word to the Marshall Mathers LP memorized, but he stayed quiet. He didn't want to lose Dan.

Their sophomore year brought some changes, they still said the words to try to fit in, but it was different now. They didn’t speak to their “friends” from freshmen year and the new group of people they sat with were mostly loners. They slotted themselves quietly and unassumingly in the corner of the lunchroom, rarely speaking. They liked this better, if everyone was quiet, it made “acting” a lot easier.

The later part of that year was the first time one of them had been physically attacked. It was surprising it took this long if they thought about it. School staff often turned a blind eye to certain students, their high school was no different. Dan had been walking to math when he felt a sharp pain in his belly, followed by another, then another. He was knocked to his knees, clutching his stomach, panicking before he realized these were not his pains, they were Phil's. Forcing himself up he was able to follow the feeling directly to him, he found Phil crumpled into a ball, with his back resting against a locker. His head was on his knees and Dan could tell his breathing was labored.

“Phil,”

He raised his head, his eyes puffy and wet from crying, “Pete,” was all he said. Yes, life was cruel, because in a year your friend could become your worst enemy, and he had. Pete had decided that Phil was a “real faggot,” and made it his mission to harass Phil every day. Phil wasn’t giving him the attention he was seeking, so now he would take it, by force.

“Should I get someone?”

“No,” Phil choked out, “You know it will just get worse,” They sat there, alone, in silence. No teachers or staff members came, no students cared enough to stop, and once again it was Dan and Phil against the world. Dan wanted to comfort Phil, he nudged his arm so Phil looked at him, and patted his chest two times. Phil forced a smile as more tears ran down his face.

A girl called Emily had asked Dan to the spring dance, her friend Ivy wanted to ask Phil.

“I’m not sure what I am supposed to say, Dan,” Phil said,

“Phil. It’s normal, it's what we’re supposed to do. We’re supposed to take girls to the dance,”

“You know I don’t want to take her to the dance,”

“I know, but if you do, you can prove to Pete and the rest of them that you aren’t actually a fag, Maybe they won’t hurt you again,” Dan could feel the sadness in Phil’s heart and saw the tears in his eyes. “Please don’t cry Phil, I am trying to get us out of High school alive,”

“Okay,”

They dressed up, bought corsages and lined up for pictures, Kath drove Dan, Phil and their dates to a restaurant for dinner, and then to the Dance. Karen would pick them up.

“This is going to be so much fun!” Emily said, cuddling close and squeezing Dan’s arm.

“Ah, yeah,” Dan said. Thankfully his hesitation could be played off as nerves.

“Are you looking forward to the dance?” Ivy asked Phil, he smiled.

“Yeah, it sure will be. I can’t wait,” Emily was blabbering to Dan, Dan nodded politely, agreeing and hoping she was going to shut up. Phil watched Dan, his guts twisted watching her touch him. He turned back to his "date," Ivy was giving him a look. Had he said the wrong thing? “Ah, sorry,”

She smiled kindly, “Don’t be nervous,” she patted his leg, nodding at Dan as if she knew. “It’s okay, School dances are complicated.” Phil panicked; she knew he didn't want to be here with her, but did she know he was upset watching Emily cling to Dan?

“Excuse me,” He got up and went to the bathroom. Why were they doing this? They should have just stayed home and played video games, ate pizza, or anything else that wouldn't entail them having to put on a show. Phil was so sick of acting, he was starting to have issues recognizing where the "acting" stopped and where his real feelings started. He expected Dan to come and check on him, but he didn’t. That wouldn't be normal, that would make people ask questions they couldn't answer. Phil took a deep breath, looked in the mirror and went back to dinner. “And Action,” he muttered to himself as he sat down.

They both awkwardly danced with their dates, clumsy and embarrassingly. “It wasn’t me” by Shaggy was currently playing, their dates were having a lot of fun. Phil laughed and when he allowed himself to relax and stop acting, he was having fun too. Dan was having just as much fun as he was.

“Oh look, fag boy got a pity date,” Pete had pushed his way into the circle. “Of course, fag boy would take you Ivy, you ugly bitch,” No one said anything, for years they had been told by parents, teachers and school counselors to “Ignore them and they will get bored and go away or stop,” In reality, all that did was spur them on more. “Can’t stand up for his date, what a pussy bitch,” Pete and his friends laughed before he shoved Phil onto the floor, spitting on him as he walked away. After it was over, one of the teachers came over to them, telling them to “break it up,” as if Phil had been a willing participant. This was the way it was, after all, boys will be boys, won't they? Pete scoffed and was allowed to walk away carefree, while Phil was left on the ground.

“Phil, are you okay?” Ivy crouched next to him as he slowly sat up onto his knees.

“Yeah, I’m sorry,”

Dan didn’t move, he just watched Phil, he could feel the anger, humiliation, and fear running through him. Phil got up and they all acted as if nothing had happened, what else was he supposed to do? At least he was good at acting. His knees and wrist hurt from the hard impact on the gymnasium floor, but at least it wasn’t his stomach. Phil wished that he had just stayed home.

After their dates were dropped off and they were headed home, the car was silent. Dan could feel Phil’s humiliation, and sadness, but when he tried to take his hand, Phil yanked it away. Karen said, “You staying over, Phil?”

“Not tonight,”

“Oh?”

“Not feeling well,”

“Oh, I’m sorry kiddo. I’ll drop you off in your driveway,”

“Thank you,”

Dan looked at Phil confused, as Phil said nothing and got out of the car.

“What was all that about,” Karen asked, “Are you guys fighting?”

“I don’t know,” Dan said quietly.

Dan woke up around three in the morning, something was wrong. After he took inventory of his own body, he knew it was Phil. He pulled on a hoodie and shoes, sneaking out of the window to go check on him. It wasn't as if he could call Phil, he would wake the whole house up. He moved swiftly in the dark through the back yards, tripping only once. He knocked on Phil’s window, there was no response. He walked around the house to find Phil on his front porch.

“Hey,”

“Hi.”

“Were you calling to me?”

“Not intentionally,’ Dan could feel the bitterness and anger coming off of Phil,

“Why are you out here in the middle of the night Phil?”

“I can’t sleep, and I am so fucking mad,”

Dan sat next to him, “I know,”

“I would have hoped that you, of all people, would have done something,”

“I was scared,”

“Yeah, well I was too,”

“I know, I’m sorry.”

“Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t ever make me ask someone else to a dance again. Ever,”

“I won’t, I promise,”

“Good,”

“Phil,”

“What?”

“Do you know why I was scared?”

“Probably because Pete would have beaten your ass too,”

“No, well yes, but no, that’s not why,”

“Why?”

“Because I feel like they see us, Phil. The real us, they see through the acting,"

“Is that so bad?”

“I’m not sure,”

Their Junior year started much like the others, Emily and Ivy were pleasant but they never hung out again. As they went to their usual table, the "loners," no longer were there, replacing them was a small boy with bright blue eyes and ginger hair, and a tall brooding boy in a black trench coat, black eyeliner, and lipstick. He was a "goth," new year, new people.

As they sat down, the ginger-haired boy smiled widely, “Hi! I’m Gideon,” He had a British accent, “I’m the exchange student,”

“Dan, Phil,” Dan introduced them,

“I hope it’s alright I sit here, I’m a little overwhelmed, to be honest,” he giggled, loudly.

“Fag!” someone yelled at him.

The goth boy stood up, “Why don't you come over here and say that? Get fucked, asshole,”

Dan and Phil’s eyes both went wide, but the boy who had yelled seemed to have thought better of it and sat back down.

"That's what I thought," He sat back down.

Gideon laughed, “What’s your name,”

“Freddy,”

Dan and Phil nodded politely towards him.

The four of them sat together every lunch period, Gideon was a junior, Freddy was a Sophomore, but they all got along. For the first time since they were little, Dan and Phil felt that maybe they could stop acting.

“I fucking hate that class, it’s so gay,” Dan said, taking a bite of whatever sludge the had served that day.

“Why are you using that word like that?”

“What?”

“Gay, like it's bad,”

“Ah,”

“Don’t make that word pejorative, Daniel.” Gideon chastised.

“I don’t even know what that means,”

“It means you are offending me, please don’t use that word that way,”

“Oh, sorry.”

“It seems a lot of people use that word as if it is something bad and vial here, I don't understand.”

“Are you gay?” Freddy asked,

Phil gaped at him, “You can't just ask that,”

Gideon laughed, “Why not? It’s not bad Phil, and I’m Bi, actually,” He took a sip of his water, “but being a part of the LBGTQ community, it’s still offensive to use that word in that manner. I’d prefer if you didn’t”

“Me too,” Freddy said, sideways glancing at Phil. “I mean, for both,” Phil felt the jealousy start to boil in Dan’s veins,

“Dan, relax mate, no one is about to shove their tongue down your throat.” Gideon was trying to get him to relax.

“I didn’t think that, it’s not that,” He looked up at Phil and patted his chest twice, hard,

"What the hell?" Freddy asked, "Did you literally just beat your chest like a caveman?" Gideon had noticed too but said nothing; the bell rang ending the conversation and they went to their respective classrooms.

Dan was driving them home, they had both gotten their driver's license, but Dan was the better driver of the two.

“What the hell was that Dan?”

“What?”

“At lunch, with Freddy?”

“Nothing,”

“Dan,”

“Leave it,” and because Phil could feel Dan’s struggle, he did.

“So, I am going to design custom clothing for short men like me, not that you giants would understand, you’re all over 6 feet.”

Freddy rolled his eyes, “Anyway, my parents are gone this weekend, you guys should come over tomorrow night,”

“Oh, please tell me that you have alcohol,”

“No shit, Gid, I’m not a loser,” He looked at Dan and Phil, “You in?”

“We’re in,” Phil said, smiling.

They knocked at the door, “It’s open,” Freddy yelled, Gideon was already there. “Put your stuff where ever,”

“Why do you both look so shy? We’ve known each other for ages now,”

“We haven’t ever been drunk,” Phil said,

“Phil,” Dan hissed,

Freddy shrugged, "Be glad you're here, you could be at some stupid cunt’s party instead,”

“Freddy, are you always this bitter?” Gideon sighed,

“You want the boos or not, Brit boy,” Freddy had taken to calling him that, It was out of endearment.

“Idol threats, Goth boy, Idol threats,”

Music was playing, they were all drinking, Dan and Phil started to relax

“We have to play truth or dare,”

“Fuck you, we do not,”

“Please, Fred, it’ll be fun.”

“I’m In,” Phil was pleasantly buzzing, he finally felt he could be himself; they hadn’t had to “act” for most of this year, it was a relief.

“I do what he does,” Dan said,

“Oh, we know,” Freddy said

“What does that mean?” Phil asked

“Are you serious right now? We aren’t at school,”

“Why does that matter?”

“Fred, let it go,” Gideon said, “Dan, truth or dare?”

They had been playing for a while, all four of them were very intoxicated.

“Phil got the shit kicked out of him, a lot in his sophomore year,”

“Jesus, mate, I’m sorry.”

Phil shrugged, “Pete hasn’t even said much to me this year,”

“Yeah, come to think of it, where did he go?”

“Probably jail,” Freddy said, causing everyone to laugh. Freddy moved closer to Phil, “Truth or dare,” he asked, looking into Phil’s eyes. Phil blushed,

“Dare,”

“Kiss me,”

Phil laughed, “What?”

“Fred, no,”

“What? We’re just playing a game, It's just a dare,”

“No,” Dan said,

“And why would that be, Dan?" Freddy said, knowing full well.

"Fred, knock it off,"

Phil could feel Dan’s fear, did Dan actually think Phil would do that to him? “Dan, look at me,” Dan met his eyes, “I’m not going to kiss him, Dan.”

“Well, I guess it sucks to be me,” Freddy said, slamming the rest of his drink. “I’m going to bed, I’m too drunk. Sleep where ever,”

Gideon breathed a sigh of relief, “Freddy likes to push buttons. How long have you known that you were,"

“Since the womb,” Dan said,

“Wow,”

“We were born on the same day,” Phil added, moving closer to Dan,

“We started to crawl on the same day,”

“We started to walk in the same week,”

“And we said our first word on the same day, it was the same word.”

“Wow, you guys are like soulmates,”

"Yeah, I think we are," There was no need to act anymore, they were accepted here, they knew It was true. They were soulmates, they were meant to be together. It didn’t matter what the world labeled it as, or what people shouted at them. It didn’t matter if it wasn’t “what they were supposed to do,” it was Dan and Phil versus the world like it always had been. And it was love.

“Well, I’m going to go to bed, give you some privacy that I can see you desperately need,”

Phil moved closer to Dan, “Do you believe it? That we’re soulmates?”

“Yes,” Dan raised his hand and patted his chest twice. pulled him closer and whispered, “mine,”

“No, mine,” And he kissed Dan as hard as he could, holding him close.

Gideon had gone back to the UK that June, "Don't go back to using those words, stop being so scared. Nothing changes if everyone is silent. You are both strong enough to speak up, so do that. Speak up, stand up. Do whatever you can. You all are tough enough to do that, I know you are." Dan and Phil had changed that day, they no longer used words they once had to fit in, instead, they spoke up and told those around them why the words hurt them. They joined the LGBTQ club, they stood up for the younger kids. No longer would they tolerate the "ignore it and it will go away" mentality. They were advocates, standing up for those who once had no voice. They grew and they learned. They started their senior year as a couple, they were out to everyone. It wasn’t easy, nor was everyone accepting, but they both agreed that for their final year, there would be no more “acting.” They stayed true to that and the entire year they were just Dan and Phil. They didn't try to impress anyone, they didn't do what they "were supposed to do," they were true to themselves. It was the last lunch period they would sit at this table, it was exciting, but it was also sad, they were leaving one of their own behind.

“Fuckers, going to leave me here to rot,”

“Sorry, Fred, it’s not like you don’t have our numbers,”

“Yeah, yeah. Go on then, enjoy the rest of your lives,” He smiled.

“We love you, Fred and you know it,”

“Sure, sure, assholes,”

It had been twenty years since they started their journey at Pine Oaks high, Dan and Phil were married now, had a dog and lived in a small house in the country. They had lost touch with Gideon, but they knew with his spirit, he was probably producing a clothing line somewhere in the UK.

Freddy had died suddenly at the age of 28. It wasn't known how he had died, but it wasn’t until after the services that Dan and Phil had found out, the family kept it very private. They both mourned his loss in their own way, but as they were so connected, each of them grieved the same. The waves of guilt washing over them were multiplied; time had gotten away from them and they had lost touch with Fred, neither one could recall the last thing the had said to him. Life does that to everyone, it spreads people far and wide until one day it’s too late. it wasn't fair, but life rarely was. They would always remember how fearless he was and how he didn’t care what anyone thought of him, and now even if they shed a few tears, Dan and Phil smiled fondly when he crossed their minds.

Things change, things get better, the world keeps moving. From the womb, Dan and Phil were connected and they would always be, maybe even after they died. They hadn't forgotten their "secret handshake," and every so often, one of them would pat their chest two times, reminding the other of their origin story and just how far they had actually come. They never wanted to forget that at one time, the only way they could show each other love, was in a way that nobody else could see. Their drive for life now was staying true to themselves, helping as many people as they could, kindness, and never taking the freedom they had today for granted. Because they knew no matter how bad it was, they were still one of the lucky ones.

Bingo Card:

Historical AU

******

This story means a lot to me. I pulled a lot of this from personal experiences. Freddy was a real person (His name was changed) who was one of the strongest people I knew. He protected me when I didn't even realize I needed it. Rest in peace, dear one.

#pff bingo 2019 #phanfiction #Phanfic

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otter1962 · 5 years

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Mirror, mirror... Part 2

Mirror, mirror on the wall… I look in the mirror and I see my eyes. They are deep wells full of so much. I see the pain and suffering in my own eyes. I feel like I’ve been splayed out like a frog being dissected. I shared so much to the world. Now that it is all out, there is a possibility of peace in my mind. I’ve really nothing to hide. I’ve said most of it in the last blog entry. I didn’t mention financial hardships or the day to day issues that crop up for the average teacher, the average man just living his life the best that he can; sometimes succeeding, sometimes failing, but still plodding on in the hopes that something good will come of it. I had a doctor’s appointment today. I asked for a letter to have some time off to recover from my chemo pills. The doctor gladly accepted and so has my school. I can go and rest for a short week and take care of myself at the end of October. The reactions from yesterday’s blog has been mostly positive. People have responded in many kind ways and some, try to let me know that that they understand. Some have been so kind in their responses. A few questioned my emotional state, concerned that I may be at a breaking point. So why did I share all of that? Am I searching for someone to feel sorry for me? No, absolutely not. I bared my soul, took a good look at in the mirror and I am trying to be positive about the outcome. What do I want? Wow! So many things. Are they selfish to want or are they just the things that the average person needs or wants in their life? I’ve long forgiven my parents for thinking the way that they did. They came around and accepted some of my partners into their home and cared greatly for my success and tried to help the best that they could when I fell down. Some of my friends from high school told me that if they had known that I was gay, they would have supported me and stood by me to prevent the bullying. I was too busy hiding myself out of shame. I never stood in front of those ten bullies from school later in life. None of them know about the damage they caused, nor would they care if they did. I can leave them behind. I burned my year books years ago in an attempt to break away from them. I’ve met a lot of guys in my past. I’m not really proud of some of the things that I did, but I know one thing: I am who I am and I so much want someone to love me for who I am, not as how they think I should be! I’m going to be honest here; I find it hard to believe that there will be a man somewhere that could be that person for me. Sometimes I think that I have had too many tries in the relationship game and it is now game over. Sometimes I think that I am too old to keep trying. I’ve met some wonderful men in my past too! There are some, when I look back, might have been a wonderful partner, it I’d only seen it at the time. Regrets? Sure. Not all the men that I met were as I described: There have been a lot of caring men, kind men and giving men. Maybe I was too selfish to see what they were offering. So, maybe it is time to open my heart to the possibility to having it happen to me, even if I don’t always believe. I’ve had some nasty relationships. I’ve played a part in all of them, so I am not the shining hero or victim that has suffered through all of that. I was a part of it and I played my role. The only thing that I never did was to damage their self esteem by being selfish. I always tried to love each and every one of them, the best that I could - even if it almost destroyed me. I’ve survived HIV for over 30 years. I seroconverted in 1983. When I was tested in 1986, we traced it back to man in 1983 in Toronto. I found him later, on an AIDS memorial list in Toronto several years later. In all of my time, I never gave the virus to any man on purpose or by accident. I have had a 0 viral load for over 20 years and studies now say that someone like me can’t transmit the virus. No guilt for me to think that I may have converted someone else. I’ve lived through many pill cocktails and, thankfully, have been on stable medications for over 20 years now with no side effects. What was once considered a terminal syndrome is now a chronic one. I have to take pills for the rest of my life, but at least I won’t die from AIDS complications. Even the stigma is leaving, with Prep for those who are negative and pills to keep me healthy. Even the internalize homophobia is gone from my soul! I don’t feel guilty or dirty for being a gay man! Imagine me telling this story 20 or 10 or even 5 years ago! There would have been a lot of backlash. I’ve told everyone now. It’s no secret and I have neither something to hide nor shame for being so. I’ve had some nasty relationships. It seems that caregivers such as myself often attract narcissistic people because we are considered easy prey. Now that I look in that mirror, I see a man who knows who they are and what they can do. I’m not going to let it happen again. I’ve even had to say good bye to a few recently. At least I know the signs and can prevent it from continuing. I’ve learned from those bad relationships and I refuse to cause pain like that or allow that to happen to me again. Can I love again? I don’t know. Someone recently told me that I should start loving myself. I’ve done that for so many years and have found peace and love for myself time and time again. Sure, I have my times when things get really cloudy or sometimes downright bad. I wrote that last blog and to put it out there and then let it go the best that I can. On the subject of my cancer, I am moving forward. I’m almost at the halfway point. I’ve experienced fatigue, some body pain, headaches and now some nausea. I’m going to continue to the end of my treatment as best as I can. People around have been so kind in regards to my cancer diagnosis: My family doctor, my cancer nurse, the local pharmacists in Hubbards, the staff at school (especially my Vice Principal and Principal) and friends near and far. Yesterday, I wrote that the man in the mirror had great success at suffering and pain. The man on this side of the mirror is tired, but is still getting up and trying again and again. Maybe I can say that my Viking stubbornness sometimes pays off in my favour! I think that I am done self flagellating myself too. I can’t continue to blame myself for all the bad things that have happened. So, I look in the mirror and I see the other me standing on the other side. He’s grateful for his pain and suffering. He doesn’t have a problem; he lives for what he believes what his lot should be. Is there justice on this side of the mirror? I think so. I am thankful for having experienced the pain and suffering so that I can move past it and become a whole person. I’m going to feel many things in the next while: loneliness, sadness, and maybe other peoples’ ignorance to what is going on in my head. I think that I am also going to experience happiness, joy, self love; love for friends and family; love from so many people, and maybe one day… one day… a man may come along to love me with all his heart as I would love him. I’m no hero. I can be strong and I can be weak. Even though there is a constant battle being fought, at least I can see that the light at the end of the tunnel is something for which the fight is worth! I wrote earlier about what I want in life. I don’t have to spell it out. It is written in the lines of this blog or in between them. I’ll keep fighting and keep being me. I want a happy life. Thank you, everyone for sharing your love, concern and even your misunderstandings. You’ve all helped me so much more than you know.

#FUcancer #cancer #hope #Otter Cottage #carpe diem #friends

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a-gay-bloodmage · 5 years

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Never have I seen a prompt better suited for Hundir!

((From this post!))

Thank you so much for the request, @zeesqueere!

—I Thought You Didn’t Want Me—

Pairing: Gorim Saelac x Male Aeducan

Pairing: M/M

Words: 2,600

Warnings: Referenced and Implied NSFW Content, Internal and External Homophobia, Moving on From Bigotry, The Wonderfulness of Being a Nobody, God I Love These Two, My Adorable Little Bears

Avoiding the subject was Hundir’s specialty. If a potentially personal question was brought up, it was always best to simply invoke the right of none of your blighted business and move on. Such a right was easy to come by when he was still a noble, as interrogating a prince not yet accused of treason simply wasn’t an option. Keeping to oneself while a Warden, however, was much more difficult. Fellow Wardens—Alistair—often didn’t know how to take a damn hint and leave him alone. Constant questioning about what the dwarven nobility was like, what the world looked like from four and a half feet off the ground, and if dwarves found short human girls cute. The answers were, of course, awful, awful, and I wouldn’t know, but he was content to let the human simply ponder without an answer. Thankfully, the only other companions he received similar interrogations from were the redheaded human girl, the elf, and Oghren—though his interrogations were usually just so, about those rumors going around Orzammar about you… The giant, the witch, the golem, and the elderly mage were all much better at keeping their questions to themselves, but the elderly mage was good at springing questions upon him when he least expected it and in a manner that actually got him talking. Damn her motherly charm! At least she kept his answers to herself.

It’d been almost a year since he was thrown into the Deep Roads at this point, and Denerim had proved to be just as wonderful as he’d hoped it to be. Not because of the unique architecture—the flimsy human structures looked ready to collapse any second—nor the threat of darkspawn war finally coming to a concerning amount of the Surface, but because of the people. Well, one person in particular. The rest could die via the Archdemon for all he cared. Especially those Chantry harpies constantly hounding him for not giving a damn about their prophet.

“I still can’t believe that you didn’t say something earlier,” Gorim said, looking over his tankard of ale at Hundir. The human tavern they were in was far from ideal, but everyone was grateful for the few days of rest before they set out to look for the alleged miracle ashes hidden in the Frostbacks. Everyone in Hundir’s party of mismatched fools was thrilled about the break, content to put off a goal so long as they could watch their stone-faced leader blush and fawn over his former manservant. Especially the gossips of the group. The redhead, mage, and Alistair cooed, the elf attempted to offer his perverted advice, and Oghren looked more vindicated than any man Hundir had ever known.

Hundir tugged on his hair, fraying it between his thumb and forefinger. “I thought you didn’t want me,” he admitted in a quiet voice.

“I-” Gorim sighed. “I thought it would’ve been obvious I didn’t mind us being more than friends, but…”

“Of course I didn’t notice the obvious,” Hundir said, cursing himself. “But I- Does this conversation really need to be had in the open?” He asked through clenched teeth, eyes flickering over to the table packed with three humans, an elf, and a dwarf.

“By all means, carry on,” the redheaded human girl said, freckled cheek resting in her hand.

“By the Stone,” he muttered, shaking his head. “I feel obligated to apologize for my terrible choices of companions,” he said, looking back at Gorim. “But, in my defense, it was that human that insisted on picking up the strays for aid.”

“He’s lying,” Alistair stage-whispered at Gorim, making him chuckle.

“They seem to like you,” Gorim said, a knowing smile on his face.

“I didn’t ask them to,” Hundir said back, smiling a little.

“Well, it does seem that anyone who spends enough time with you comes to like you, my- Hundir,” Gorim said. “I’m certainly proof, am I not?”

“I-” Hundir pressed his lips together, unable to respond adequately.

Gorim took another long sip of his ale, shaking his head as he set it down. “You always like to think it’s impossible someone would like you,” he said, looking decently upset by the fact, his smile almost pitying. But pity didn’t hurt coming from Gorim. Hundir knew better than to think it insincere. “But with enough time, it’s obvious you really are a wonderful man.”

Hundir was sure his ears were red with embarrassed fluster. “Gorim, please,” he said, trying to keep his voice steady. “There’s no need to flatter me. I’m no longer a prince, nor your employer.” His thumb was nervously tracing over the handle of his tankard. “I have good reason for not believing everything you say.”

Gorim sighed, moving a little closer and placing his hand on Hundir’s shoulder. “Yeah, well, just remember that Orzammar is far behind you, and that those reasons you had don’t need to carry over onto the Surface.” Hundir opened his mouth to speak, but Gorim shook his head and carried on. “Up here, there’s hardly a dwarven tradition to speak of. You can be and like whomever you want."

Hundir couldn’t help but shrink away as subtly as he could, hiding his face behind his tankard. It was shameful how much Gorim’s words frayed his nerves. Such a life of affection wasn’t meant for him, surely. Gorim was just being nice, flattering his foolish ideas because he used to be a prince. He tensed as he felt Gorim’s shoulder press against his own.

"Do command me to sod off if you so wish, Hundir,” Gorim chuckled, his voice low.

“Uh,” Hundir felt like every eye in the tavern was on him, noticing, realizing, and judging. But, as his nervous honey-brown eyes flickered over the tavern’s patrons to confirm his fears, all he saw were drunkards staring into their ales and his companions, stupid grins on their faces. But they weren’t laughing at him. For once, nobody was glaring at or mocking him. It was… liberating, to say the least. “No… sodding off will be necessary, Saelac,” he whispered, nervously smiling at his old friend. The handsome redhead’s proximity seemed to raise the temperature to unbearable levels, and Hundir could feel that nervous sweat on his palms gathering. This is what he got for never having talked candidly about his affections—the emotional maturity of a shut-in, teenage virgin. Thankfully, as of last night, only the shut-in part still applied to him.

He felt a warm hand cup the side of his face, turning him to look at Gorim.

“Come now, what’s to gain by being so shy?” Gorim smiled, his face so close that their annoyingly dwarven noses bumped against one another. “Nothing lost, nothing gained, my Lord.”

“Lose the my Lord,” Hundir said shyly, letting his tankard rest on the table, certain its wooden surface was shining with the nervous wetness from his palm.

“And gain…?” Gorim’s face was ever so smug. He was always so good at feigning the utmost respect while forcing someone to give over some crucial piece of potential blackmail. He would’ve been a wonderful noble.

“Uh… me?” Ancestors’ asses, I sound like a blighted idiot, he thought.

“Sounds ideal to me,” Gorim said, not giving Hundir a second to respond before he tilted his head and leaned the rest of the way in, pressing their lips together. In public. In plain view of anyone who so happened to look over at them. Hundir’s mouth was slightly agape, and he could feel Gorim just waiting for the slightest hint of an invitation to slip his tongue past Hundir’s lips.

He kissed back, hesitant beyond belief. Kissing Gorim in the marketplace after a year of not seeing him was one thing. For all the Surfacers knew, all Orzammar dwarves greeted lost friends that way. And kissing Gorim in that rented bed, lost in the passion of making love to him for the first time—that was far different, too. That was secret, hidden away behind a locked door and shuttered windows. This kiss was universally understandable and for anyone to witness. So much as a glance over would be all it took for a stranger to know exactly what was going on.

And yet, Hundir didn’t pull away. He couldn’t. Not because of Gorim’s hand on his rough cheek, nor because of any force threatening him if he backed away like the coward he was, but because he didn’t want to. Gorim’s lips were soft and gentle and sincere in a way he never imagined anyone’s to be when pressed against his own. And when it pressed in, Gorim’s tongue was simply curious and patient as it coaxed Hundir’s to copy its movements.

Hundir was breathing a little too heavily for his own liking when he pulled back.

“Well,” Gorim smiled, using the hand that wasn’t on Hundir’s cheek to wipe away a stray bit of saliva that was stuck to his scruffy chin, “please don’t take offense, but I didn’t expect you to be as good a kisser as you are.”

Well, I did practice on my pillows imagining they were you for the entirety of my teenage years. “Ah, yeah,” he said, chuckling a little embarrassedly. Gorim did not need to know anything on the matter.

“Has anyone ever told you that your eyes really shine when your cheeks turn pink?” Gorim chuckled, raising an eyebrow as he seemed to inspect Hundir’s warming face.

“Absolutely not, Gorim.”

“Well, they do,” he said, pressing another kiss to Hundir’s lips. By now, the world seemed to be spinning and everything was blurry save for Gorim’s handsome face. “Do… you need to lie down, my Prince?” Gorim asked, his smile growing concerned. “Sorry- Hundir?” Hundir shook his head. All the cliché romance novels in the world couldn’t have prepared him for the real thing. Gorim simply smiled and shook his head. “Ancestors, I never will understand you nobles, will I?”

“I’m not a noble.”

“Fine, I’ll rephrase it,” Gorim laughed. “Ancestors, I never will understand you, will I?”

“Maybe… if you… kiss me enough?” Hundir said, his attempt at charm failing so badly it seemed to work on the redhead.

“Maybe!” He grinned. “Only one way to find out.” Hundir felt the other side of his face become enveloped in Gorim’s warm hand, and welcomed the repeat collision of their lips, even if it did hurt his nose a little to squish against Gorim’s scruffy cheek.

His hands were gripping his thighs tight, as he had no idea where to put them. Did he hold Gorim’s face in return or would that be too many hands in one area? Would Gorim even want his sweaty palms on his handsome face? Definitely not. He worked to keep his eyes closed as gently as he could, unused to not being on high alert.

Ancestors, if Bhelen saw this… He had to constantly remind himself that his brother was far off below the Frostbacks, and all the rest of Orzammar was with him. The only people who gave a damn about anything he did were sitting at a table and cooing.

Hundir pulled back from Gorim’s lips, turning to glare at the aforementioned onlookers. “Do any of you mind?” He hissed, trying to keep from shrinking into himself to avoid their gazes.

“Nah, keep goin’,” Oghren grinned, leaning back on his chair. “Damn, the bets I could cash in on…”

“You are depraved,” Hundir said back. Oghren just shrugged in response.

“Alright, alright, we should leave them alone,” the redheaded human girl whispered to the group, smiling a little shyly at Hundir as she stood up.

Alistair groaned as he was shooed away by the elderly mage. “But it’s so cute!” He whined under his breath. He waved hesitantly as he retreated to his room.

Hundir noticed the elf’s stupid smirk, and shook his head before he even said a word.

But, as seemed his nature, not even a glare from an annoyed dwarf would halt his mouth. “I do hope you two have another wonderful night,” he smiled, feigning innocence. “The headboard banging against the wall really made me feel at home!” He laughed at Hundir’s reddening face. “Buenas noches!” Oghren just winked and made a vile little hand gesture before following the elf up the stairs.

“Assholes,” Hundir huffed, shaking his head.

“Oh, don’t act like you don’t like them, too,” Gorim said. “I’ve known them for, what? A day? It’s obvious you don’t just tolerate them, Hundir.”

“And what makes you claim that?” Hundir asked, once again pulling at a lock of blond hair.

“You would’ve killed your brothers of they spoke to you like that,” Gorim said knowingly. “You let these Surfacers tease you and watch you kiss me because you like them and know they wouldn’t mock you.”

Hundir sighed and leaned against Gorim’s shoulder. “Is it not strange to you?” He asked, staring at the table, his thoughts hundreds of miles away in Orzammar. “How do you have the bravery to act like this?”

“Like what, my- Hundir?”

“You know what I mean, Gorim.”

He paused, thinking. “Because, when I got to the Surface, the first thing I did was bad-mouth your blighted brother. Screamed into the mountains that Bhelen Aeducan was a good-for-nothing, a liar, and a damned kinslayer,” he said. “And you know what happened? Nothing. Not a sodded thing. Sure, the guards that tossed me out looked at me funny, but I wasn’t a citizen of Orzammar. I wasn’t breaking a law for bad-mouthing a noble because the law didn’t apply to a man on the Surface.” He looked over at Hundir. “Orzammar doesn’t rule over me anymore. It doesn’t rule over you, either.”

“You always were more willing than I to disobey,” Hundir sighed, smiling a little. “Even if your whole job was to obey orders.”

“Well, I wasn’t the best at my job, was I?”

Hundir’s brows pushed together in genuine confusion. “You were the best bodyguard I could’ve asked for.”

“Even if I fell in love with my charge?”

Ancestors, Hundir’s face was redder than lava. “Of course,” he choked out, failing in his attempt to not look like an idiot. Here he was, a grown man, blushing and breaking out in a nervous sweat just because someone said they may be in love with him. Love. The word made Hundir’s heart beat a mile a minute as his mind struggled to even comprehend it.

A kiss was planted on his burning cheek, just above his blond beard. “What say you finish your tankard and we head back to our room?” Gorim suggested. Hundir felt dizzy from his low tone.

He quickly drained his mug, tossed a few silvers on the table, and slid out of the booth they’d occupied. He wiped his sweaty palms on his pant legs, trying not to look so painfully juvenile. Gorim took his hand into his own, making Hundir freeze. He only moved once he felt himself being pulled along ever so gently. Hands were being held in public. One of his biggest dreams and worst nightmares.

But, as he looked around the tavern, all he saw were sleepy-eyed drunkards and an exhausted barmaid slumped in her chair. Nobody gave a damn about what he and Gorim were doing. Nobody gives a damn! Finally, after over two decades, nobody gave a damn about him. It was liberating like nothing else.

The world may not have wanted him, but Gorim did. And, in truth, that’s all that mattered.

#we love a secret sofie character in this house!!#dragon age #dragon age origins #requests #da warden #gorim saelac #gorim x aeducan #fanfiction #original content #hundir aeducan #i was in a very hun mood when i started this and like?? thank god i was he was a perfect fit for this one!!!

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that-curly-haired-lesbian · 6 years

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Could you do a queer analysis of Getaway Car? I'm curious about your opinion. For me it's the most difficult to interpret from reputation. Some think it's swiftgron, other that it's about CH/TS. I think it's about bearding in general. The 1st part about CH/TS "worst of crimes" = the longest beard. But then it sounds like 2014 kaylor (not bearding) and kissgate "It was the great escape, the prison break The light of freedom on my face But you weren’t thinkin’ And I was just drinkin'" Thank you!

Hi everyone and happySunday!

Out of all the songson Reputation Getaway Car is one ofthe most popular, but as anon says it seems to be the one we as a fandom havethe most difficulty agreeing on what or who it’s actually about.

Some are thinking Dianna andSwiftgron, while others, like anon here are thinking bearding (andoften specifically CH or TH)

Personally I tend tofall into the Swiftgron camp, I think the song is about the ending of Taylorand Dianna’s relationship and how close they came to actually picking eachother over their careers (aka escaping the industry, with its systematichomophobia and bearding practices.) Here’s a Swiftgron master post for ahelpful timeline that brings up/explains stuff about the relationship I maymention in the analysis below.

Since it is one ofthe most complex and narratively interesting songs on the newest album it hasbeen heavily analyzed already (the analyses linked above are both excellent andprovided a lot of inspiration for this analysis) but I decided to put it on mylist anyway. I hope I can give you a satisfying and while perhaps not all thatrefreshing, at the very least interesting take on the lyrics.

Before we actuallystart looking at them I’d like to share some of my general thoughts on the song.

We all know Taylor isa brilliant singer and a wonderful songwriter, but what first drew me, a loverof stories to her music was the fact that first and foremost Taylor is astoryteller. From start to finish GetawayCar is a story and a complex one in ways that we’ll get into as thisanalysis progresses.

Taylor has picked (apossibly crime-fueled) road trip sort of theme (no, not THAT road trip) for thestory she wants to tell.

On the surface thesong chronicles the fate of two lovers on some sort of crime spree, or at leaston a road trip escaping their everyday lives in order to be together far awayfrom it all…Sounds familiar as far as lesbian fiction goes, wouldn’t you say?Someone knows their queer pop culture, nice one, Tay!

Unlike the semi-happyending of Carol or the sad andupsetting one of lesbian Bonnie and Clyde(or you know, straight Bonnie and Clyde too, actually) though, it doesn’tend with one of them dying.

Instead it all endswith one of them betraying the other and escaping with their stolen goodsleaving their partner to take the fall and presumably be arrested.

It is fairly easy toconclude that this plot is not to be taken as autobiographical, obviouslyTaylor didn’t rob a bank with a past lover, but she might’ve done somethingthat betrayed said lover’s trust and when writing a song about the incident sheused this escaping-the-law-thing as a metaphor for what actually happened inher own relationship. I think you’re all with me so far, but how do we connectthe story being told here to Swiftgron? Well, let’s look at it and see.

Oh, but also, beforeI forget, my usual disclaimers:

This is just mespeculating, I could be extremely wrong and everyone is free to speculate asmuch as they want on what this lyrical masterpiece is about.

Lyrics cred goes toAZLyrics yet again.

Now let’s start theactual analysis!

–

No, nothing good starts in a getaway car…

–

It’s been reported that Dianna actually proposed toTaylor as a sort of last, desperate attempt to save their relationship. After gettingback together yet again and enduring months and months of back and forth Diannasupposedly threw the idea of marriage out there and Taylor, forced to berealistic about her career and her life in general had to say no, thus endingthe relationship. I assume though, that Taylor didn’t say no immediately, atfirst she considered what would happen if she said yes.

Well, for starters it’d be the end of all the bearding,she could escape that part of her life if she actually came out, but it alsomost likely meant that she’d have to give up her career (at least mainstream,big-time success…cuz ew, homophobia.)

She considered it however, for a moment she consideredgetting into that getaway car Dianna was providing and just drive away from itall, all the fame and the fake PR games (LuckyOne vibes, anyone?) in order to be with her girlfriend, but then sheactually truly started thinking about it and realized that for this to workthey’d have to pull off something akin to a freaking heist.

Their coming out process would be complicated andwould most likely hurt both of their images considerably + both of theirmanagements at the time seems to have been pretty pro-closet, so coming outwould be challenge and a risky one at that.

If they’d actually be able to pull that off their marriage(and by association the rest of their lives together) would start in the dustof their public come out and all the drama that’d come with that.

Taylor fearedtheir (already rocky) relationship wasn’t strong enough to survive the public’sreaction to them coming out and getting married. In addition to that theirmarriage would’ve been born out of frustration, they’d both just about had itwith the closeting process and the PR games in their respective industries and+ they wanted to save their relationship which was rapidly falling apart,perhaps not only due to both of thembeing forcibly closeted, but I’m sure that didn’t…you know, help.

A marriage built from a combination of thosecircumstances doesn’t strike me as one that will last and Taylor seems to havecome to the same conclusion. (A reoccurring theme in her songs for Dianna is agut feeling or a knowledge that no matter how much they want to, they won’tlast forever) so she decides that they shouldn’t get married, shouldn’t try toescape their miserable, straight-passing PR lives this way because the marriagethat would come from that wouldn’t be a strong and enduring one.

After all nothing good starts in a getaway car, orfrom a need escape something (bearding) while holding onto something else (afailing relationship) that very clearly won’t last.

Criminals trying to escape the law will get caughtsooner or later and two closeted women won’t be able to be together without PRdrama if they don’t come out. In both cases it is pointless to try and escapethe inevitable (capture by police, or putting the crime metaphor aside,eventual outing) and if they do manage to put these things off it’s onlytemporary and not the foundation for something lasting or good.

–

It was the best of times, the worst of crimes

–

Generally Taylor seemed quite happy in herrelationship with Dianna, but their relationship was also torrid and prettydramatic and in Wonderland shedescribes it as “Never worse, but neverbetter” and what’s happening here seems to be similar. Taylor is happy andin love, having the best time, but just being happy and in love with another woman is basicallyconsidered a crime in her line of work. Homosexuality is insanely taboo in theentertainment industry, as a celebrity it seems to be just about the worstthing you can do (unless you’re already out at the start of your career andthus marketed as a gaysinger/actor/performer.)

So while Taylor was happy and in love she was alsoaware that the general public would judge her harshly if they found out she’sgay, in their eyes that’d be a betrayal of trust since she’d “lied” to themabout being straight, she might as well have murdered a man (aka committed acrime) as far as the hets are concerned.

Also as we knowin many parts of the world being gay IS in fact a literal crime, it’s evenconsidered so bad you could get death penalty for it in multiple countries.While that’s (thankfully) not the case in the U.S “the worst of crimes” seems afitting way to describe that atrocity that’s a reality for many LGBT+ peopleelsewhere. I hate this world with a burning passion!

…Okaaaaay,let’s not talk about that anymore… 🤮🤮🤮

–

I struck a match and blew your mind

But I didn’t mean it

And you didn’t see it

–

Matches are a recurring motif in many Taylor songs (atthe top of my head I can think of PictureTo Burn and Dear John) and mostoften they seem to signify ending a relationship or getting over someone.

Here they seem to allude to Taylor trying and failingto convince a proposing Dianna (and herself) that she couldn’t say yes and thatthey’d have to break up.

Dianna had been so desperate to save theirrelationship and so convinced Taylor felt the same desperation and thereforewould say yes that she wasn’t ready to get any other answer. When Taylorstarted explaining why saying yes wasn’t realistic (or “struck the match” aka essentially broke up) it blew Dianna’s mind,it wasn’t at all the response she’d expected as she’d convinced herself thatgetting married was the logical next step since they didn’t want to lose eachother.

Taylor wanted to be able to say yes, she wanted tobelieve their dysfunctional relationship could still be saved. So when sheresponded to the proposal she didn’t want to believe what she heard herself say,it’s not what she wanted to say (“I didn’t mean it”) and Dianna refusedto admit Tay was right. (“You didn’t seeit” “it” being the truth of their doomed love.) They were both clinging to an already lost hope, much like twodelusional criminals thinking they will be able to escape police forever.

–

The ties were black, the lies were white

In shades of gray and candlelight

–

Black ties makes one think of formal events orcorporate business dealings, kind of like how Taylor’s hetero relationships arenothing but business and how they tellwhite little lies in order to sell the hetero story like the business deal itis. (“they” in this context being Team Taylor, but also Dianna’s team sincethey seem to employ much of the same techniques to keep the girls closeted, orat least they did before Taylor got rid of her old publicist and hired Tree.)

The mentions of black and white also makes me think ofhow all Taylor’s bearding relationships seem almost painfully simplistic, theyare either in love or they aren’t, it’s all the tired fairy-tale view of lovewith the prince and princess (code word for “straight woman” in much of Taylor’smusic, remember?) It’s all very black and white, much like black ties and whitelies. This PR-version of love is put in opposition to Taylor’s actual (gay)love life where everything is more complicated and realistic. For example twopeople who still love each other might have to break up, because their lovesimply isn’t enough to keep them together anymore. In other words, in this realversion of Taylor Swift’s love life everything doesn’t always work out so Disney-like, it’s often more complicated(and less straight) than the black and white narrative of her public lovelife. (“Shades of grey”) but stillromantic most of the time (“candle light.”)

“Shades of grey” could of course also be a referenceto the Fifty Shades Of Grey series ofbooks/movies, a primary example of something that a vast majority of peopleseem to consider romantic when it actually is quite abusive and gross (x)rather like the structures keeping someone in a straight PR-relationship thatfronts a false sense of perfect and desirable romance while the reality of thatrelationship is something else entirely. 🤔

Yes, I do know Taylor wrote a song for one of the 50 Shades movies so maybe she likes themand does consider them romantic (or it was just an attempt to make her publicpersona edgier in preparation for Reputationand the “death of the old Taylor”) but as a self-proclaimed feminist (and avery smart woman) I have a hard time believing the abusive, patriarchal andheteronormative implications of those books/films got past Taylor.

In my opinion she might’ve drawn a pretty cleverparallel between the romanticized but clearly problematic relationship depictedin Fifty Shades and the romanticizing of her own publicrelationships that are as shallow and void of any deeper substance as thewriting and story in those novels. This is very clearly a reach and I don’t pretend toknow anything of Taylor’s taste in literature, but I thought it was kind offunny to be honest. 😂

–

Iwanted to leave him

I needed a reason

–

Who is this “him”? Well, it could either be her beard(most likely Harry Styles if this was back in the Swiftgron days) or thebearding/entertainment industry as a whole. It seems that by the time she metDianna Taylor was tired of hiding and bearding and by now it seems she mostcertainly is. In previous analyses we’ve touched on the idea that many gaycelebrities are forced to choose between a fulfilling personal life and asuccessful career and this song isn’t the first time Taylor’s flirted with theidea of picking the former. (Lucky One)However, at that point in her career she felt she couldn’t just up and leavewithout giving her fans and explanation and coming out and getting married to awoman seemed reason enough. She wants out of the bearding system, so thereforeit’s tempting to say yes to the proposal even though she knows it most likelywon’t work out.

–

X marks the spot, where we fell apart

–

This is probably just a reference to one of Taylor’sfavorite songs by Hilary Duff, BreatheIn, Breathe out (x) but it could alsobe a reference to bearding being what made Swiftgron fall apart.

Often in bearding and PR relationship contracts areinvolved (See: Blank Space) and mostoften legal documents such as contracts are signed with a person’s signature,but sometimes they are signed with simple x’s.Admittedly that’s most often when a party is unable to provide their written signaturefor one reason or another, but this may be the safest way to hint atcontract-signing in the song without flat-out saying it. With this in mind Taylorcould be saying that putting an x on(or signing) all of those contracts and agreeing to “play straight” as much asboth women were doing put a strain on their relationship and led to its demise.

–

He poisoned the well, I was lying to myself

–

To “poison the well” means to discredit someone’sargument or point. Once again “he” makes an appearance and like I said I think“he” represents the bearding practice as a whole, or possibly the girls’publicists or PR teams. Their previous history with bearding andstraight-passing had poisoned the well in the sense that they’d make coming outa challenge. Everyone assumes both girls to be straight so were they tosuddenly claim to be gay everyone would try to disprove this with references totheir previous history with dating and they’d have no way to dismiss thiswithout admitting to bearding which would frankly probably be a PR disaster.Taylor’s saying that if she tried to convince herself that they could getmarried and then come out without major complications she was lying to herself,she wouldn’t be able to leave “him” as easily as Dianna was trying to convinceher and deep down Taylor knew this even if she didn’t want to believe it.Simply put, Taylor was lying to herself by thinking coming out would bepossible, let alone easy.

–

I knew it from the first old fashioned, we were cursed

–

So, an old fashioned is a kind of drink and maybe thatdrink holds a special meaning in relation to Taylor and Dianna’s relationship?Obviously I wouldn’t know, instead I’m thinking that it might be yet anotherreference to bearding.

After all that’s pretty much a tale as old as time,it’s been going on in Hollywood since day one, quite old fashioned if you askme. Perhaps Taylor is saying she knew as soon as she started bearding that herreal relationships would be hard to make work while pretending to be hetero. Iimagine her and Dianna’s relationship were no different given that both womenare quite famous for bearding.

This could’ve been a factor in Taylor’s aforementionedgut feeling that they wouldn’t last, if we’re to trust I Knew You Were Trouble she had that feeling of eventual doom even inthe early days of their relationship and the fact that they both bearded a lotmight have been a contributing factor to this.

–

We never had a shotgun shot in the dark

–

This is clearly a reference to the wedding they neverhad. A “shotgun wedding” is a hasty and rushed one. A wedding that’s takingplace as a last effort to save a failing relationship through one lastdesperate, but still grand, romantic gesture seems pretty rushed and hasty tome, rather like the wedding Swiftgron would’ve had if Taylor had agreed to theproposal. *heartbreak*

–

You were driving the getaway car

We were flying, but we’d never get far

–

Through proposing Dianna provided a escape frombearding for both herself and Taylor, a getaway car if you will. Whileconsidering this possible plan of escape both girls could taste the freedomthey’d been denied for so long by being forced to stay in the closet. They werehappy and excited (“flying”) that they’dfound a way to both save their relationship AND get out of tedious glass closetroutines, but pretty soon they (or at least Taylor) realized the plan wouldn’twork, their getaway car (or marriage) wouldn’t get far.

–

Don’t pretend it’s such a mystery

Think about the place where you first met me

–

Dianna shouldn’t be shocked Taylor isn’t ready to comeout the singer reasons, after all they first met while they were both deeply inthe closet. I mean this line might hold a more obvious significance to Taylorand Dianna as they alone know the details of their meet-cute, but all I canthink about is that the place they first met technically was the closet.Neither of them should be surprised (or “act like it’s such a mystery”) thatthe other won’t come out, after all they knew what they were getting themselvesinto when they first met as they were aware the other was very closeted.

–

We’re riding in a getaway car

There were sirens in the beat of your heart

–

If we’re going with the story of the outlaws on therun the sirens are quite obviously the police chasing them, the cops are closingin on them, threatening to end their little crime-spree fantasy. In the contextof the song’s queer meaning however it might mean something entirely different.In Greek mythology a siren is a sea creature, a beautiful woman who luressailors to their deaths in the ocean by seducing the men with their beauty. Sothe sirens beauty and grace tricked the men into doing something unwise ordangerous, huh? Sounds like a beautiful woman luring Taylor Swift away from hercareer with promises of happily ever after and beautiful words she wants tohear…Of course Taylor couldn’t be like “you’re a siren, luring me into yourgetaway car” so she had to use the Bonnie and Clyde narrative so that we’dthink about a police siren, not like, a freaking mermaid seducing our singerinto their getaway vehicle. 😂

–

Should’ve known I’d be the first to leave

Think about the place where you first met me

In a getaway car

No, they never get far

No, nothing good starts in a getaway car

–

Yet again Taylor’s saying Dianna shouldn’t besurprised Taylor won’t come out and at the first sign of breaking the glasscloset Taylor would leave. Why? Well,before I suggested the getaway car might be a metaphor for Swiftgron’spotential marriage and how it “wouldn’t get far” the use of that metaphor herethough suggests to me that the getaway car is in fact their entirerelationship. They got into this relationship because they wanted to live theirtruths, at least privately, they wanted to have someone to come home to whenthe bearding was over for the day, they wanted true love, not just thefabricated bearding kind. Their relationship was a way to escape from theirhetero narrative, a getaway car. Keeping a relationship working while havingfake relationship with third-parties must be hard though and that’s why gayrelationships seldom work out for closeted celebs (at least in Taylor’sexperience it would seem) the attempt to escape their straight narratives neverget far. Furthermore having to live and love in secrecy doesn’t give therelationship a stable foundation, nothing good starts with an attempt to fleefrom something else.

Wow, Getaway Caris quite the bleak look at the price of fame for someone in the closet,isn’t it? 💔

–

It was the great escape, the prison break

The light of freedom on my face

But you weren’t thinking

And I was just drinking

–

Their marriage was supposed to be the great escape,their chance to break out of the prison that bearding, straight-passing andpublicity had kept them in for so long. Damn, in even considering the mere possibilityof saying yes to such a ludicrous plan Taylor could see the light of thefreedom she hadn’t had in so many years, she could see the life outside of thecloset. Then she’s forced to admit Dianna is not looking at their situationrealistically (she’s “not thinking”.)

While the next line seems to suggest Taylor has somesort of drinking problem I think what it’s really saying is that she’s actingas if she was drunk. For a second while considering saying yes to Dianna’sproposal Taylor isn’t thinking logically, instead she wants to believe in theidea that love conquers everything and that they’ll be able to work out thedetails of their coming out as they go along. This isn’t realistic either andshe’s acting like someone who’s drunk by not caring about the fact that heractions will have consequences.

Another interesting interpretation is to consider thepreviously mentioned old fashioned, like I said before it’s a kind of drink sowe can assume that maybe that’s what Taylor’s drinking here. If we go with whatwe concluded before though the old fashioned isn’t a drink here at all, but thevery practice of bearding, so can we then assume Taylor “drinking” symbolizes herbearding?

Maybe. As Dianna was increasingly losing her grip on realitywhen it came to her relationship with Taylor (by starting to actually think adrama-free come out to be possible) the latter went through a quite intensestunting period to try and combat increasing gay rumors. (Most likely on ordersfrom the spiraling pre-Tree Team Taylor.)

In other words Taylor and Dianna were on completely opposite sides of the comingout process and thus the freedom they were dreaming about just wasn’t realisticat that point which is what caused the relationship to end.

–

Well he was running after us, I was screaming ‘Go gogo!’

But with three of us, honey, it’s a side show

And a circus ain’t a love story

And now we’re both sorry (we’re both sorry)

–

As the girls try to escape the closet their historywith bearding haunts them and they both soon realize it’s impossible to deletetheir collective bearding history from the public consciousness. If they comeout as gay their male exes are gonna be questioned about their sexuality,Taylor and Dianna coming out in the way the want to will unravel so much withinthe industry that it’s frankly not possible. They can’t outrun their pastbearding no matter how fast they go.

Even if they do get married or continue theirrelationship they will have to keep bearding as they can’t come out publicly. Therewill never be just the two of them in the relationship, it will all always be aPR circus and that isn’t a worthy love story.

They both realize this is the truth of the matter andas sorry as they both are (note theoverlapping female vocals on that line) the relationship will simply have toend.

–

X marks the spot, where we fell apart

He poisoned the well, every man for himself

I knew it from the first old fashioned, we were cursed

It hit you like a shotgun shot to the heart.

–

Two lines are new here and therefore they are primarilythe interesting ones.

He poisoned the well, every manfor himself

Taylor has realized she’ll have to be the one to leaveas Dianna is still in denial about the fact that they can’t come out. Taylorknows they won’t be able to escape their “straight” past, any claim they canmake regarding their own sexuality has been ruined by past associations withmen, she knows she’ll have to leave Dianna to realize this on her own (“everyman for himself”) as trying to talk to her only leads back to neither wantingthe relationship to be over and thus concocting unrealistic dreams on how theycould make it work against all odds.

It hit you like a shotgun shot tothe heart.

When the truth finally hit Dianna Taylor had alreadyleft and her ex was alone to deal with the pain of the realization that gettingout from the bearding shadow is going to be harder than she wanted to think. Thisundoubtedly felt like a shot to the heart for both Taylor upon having to leaveand Dianna upon finally realizing exactly whyTaylor left.

–

(Chorus)

–

We were jet set Bonnie and Clyde

Until I switched to the other side

It’s no surprise, I turned you in

‘Cause us traitors never win

–

The duo who seem to have inspired the song areactually mentioned by name, quite a long shot from Romeo and Juliet, wouldn’t yousay?

Anyway, Taylor’s saying that her and Dianna were ateam until Taylor decided to pick her career over her girlfriend, this shouldbe unsurprising she muses, as she has (presumably) done so at least oncebefore.

Taylor callsherself a traitor here, interesting.

I recentlywatched HBO’s The Handmaid’s Tale wheregay women are referred to as “gender traitors” this also happens in the book (oneof my favorites) from 1985 by Margaret Atwood on which that show is based. Inaddition to that the term comes up as referring to people (most often women)who act in a way that is atypical or “unbeneficial” to their gender (aka feministsand lesbians) in my course lit for my gender and sexuality in literaturecourse.

I don’t think that’s what Taylor is saying here (unless she likes thatbook too *fingers crossed*) I just thought that was an interesting sidenote asthe “never win” line following that could thus be interpreted as a reference tohow minorities (lesbians for example) are often screwed over by society and “never win”.

What she says I think is that people who pick theircareer over their love life won’t end up being happy, or “winning” at life inthe long-run.

–

I’m in a getaway car

I left you in the motel bar

I put the money in a bag and stole the keys

That was the last time you ever saw me

–

By using imagery that invoke the outlaws storylineTaylor is acknowledging her own betrayal she’s saying “sorry, but you should’veguessed this is what I’m like” she wouldn’t risk her career and they both should’verealized sooner.

–

(Chorus)

–

I was riding in a getaway car

I was crying in a getaway car

I was dying in a getaway car

Said 'goodbye’ in a getaway car

–

Taylor may have fronted with “you should’ve seen thiscoming, Di” but really she was upset with herself, she didn’t wanna do this,but she saw no other way out. She was afraid of losing everything she’s workedfor by coming out so instead she took the safe route and broke the relationshipoff. 💔💔

–

Hope you all enjoyed thatread and feel free to tell me what you think the song is saying, it’s solyrically complex and interesting 😊

If you guys want meto anlyze more Taylor songs or if you have any questions for me, feel free toshoot me an ask 😊

The next song on thelist is Enchanted 🌈🌈🌈

#gaylor swift #swiftgron #kaylor #songs #queer analysis #asks

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contentcontempt · 2 years

Text

Sunday | March 6, 2022

Did something really stupid today. Tried to have a down to earth conversation with my mom about my feelings and intentions. I don't know why I even bothered or what compelled me to try. I have to constantly remind myself that my parents have flaws. Is that considered blaming other people, mom? According to my mother, I need to stop blaming other people for my problems, because I'm the only person who is to blame. I was the one who did everything and caused everyone to suffer. No one will ever believe or trust me in the future. She never wants to hear about my relationships ever again.

I know a lot of what she said is a reflection of herself and her life experiences. I can't say she's entirely wrong though, so maybe this conversation was the kick in the face I needed to restart my self reflection. I definitely lashed out and brought up the comparison to her marriage, and said that her relationship with dad killed my "sense of marriage" to which she responded I can't even manage a relationship without cheating, much less marriage.

Called my sister afterwards. I do have to admit that my mind considered suicide. Although I know it was mostly out of spite, and that in the end I don't think I'm the type to ever commit suicide thankfully. The emotional pain does get so unbearable sometimes, but I suppose that's the nature of the situation. My sister said that there's a lot she never tells our mom, because she knows how she is and that I shouldn't be looking for relationship advice from someone who isn't even in a healthy relationship. I guess I still find it frustrating that my mother refuses to ever admit that her relationship with our dad affected us in a negative fashion. She seems to think the only thing it did was make me a lesbian. Good thing her innate homophobia is still there. Alas, my sister said that I should have known better, and I agree. She said that my parents are pissed at me, not because they loved Anna so much or whatever, but because what I did is not something a good person would do. And that they're shocked that I could do something so horrible. That's fair. I'm shocked, too. And so if I was starting the conversation in hopes of getting forgiveness from my mom, it was way too soon. I honestly don't think she'll ever forgive me. Maybe I should try to make peace with that idea. A lot of my friends are incredibly supportive and of the mindset that people make mistakes, which is true. But I think since they're my friends, they've been very forgiving and lenient on me, of which my mother is the opposite. She basically voiced all the horrible thoughts that I was trying to avoid. My sister said that a lot of people are of the mindset that cheaters will always be cheaters, and that it's up to me to take responsibility to make sure that doesn't become true. I guess it's hard coping with the idea that in some people's minds, I'll always be a terrible person, or someone who did something so terrible that they can never believe me again. But I should try to be at peace with that. The truth is I did something that is that horrible. And I guess even now I'm feeling the most pity for what it did to myself, rather than what I did to Anna, which maybe I should be focusing on more. I think I have too much self-pity. I think I need therapy.

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imagineaworlds · 6 years

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Caught in Your Eyes (Part Seven)--Billy Hargrove

Masterlist for @rune-of-a-writer / @hellimagines

Original Request: “Hi. I love your work. I was wondering if you could do a billy imagine where the female reader is new to town and she’s a bad girl and billy instantly falls for her and tries to get with her. Thank you!!”

Summary: The aftermath of Saturday night hits, and you have two deep conversations. One of which leads to a not-so-bad ending.

Warnings: Violence, per usual, cursing, per usual, mentions of drug usage, and mentions of homophobia

Pairing: Billy Hargrove x fem!reader

Word Count: 4,296

A/N: This note is gonna be long, but it’s IMPORTANT!! So, I’ve added this story (and my imagines) to wattpad under the same name as my imagines account. I was wondering if I should make this chapter the last one here, on tumblr, but continue to update it on Wattpad? It’s been getting progressively less notes (as series usually do on tumblr), but on Wattpad they typically thrive. Please, please let me know! Also, this chapter was difficult to write… so feedback on it would be great too. Thanks, I love you guys! (Also, if you couldn’t tell, I’ve been struggling with gifs. So have one of my FC’s for James and Vance -though they’re not as exact as I’d imagined-)

That following Monday, your group and the basketball team were the talk of Hawkins High. Word spread quickly of what had happened, but there were varying differations of the story. Some got it right- saying that Tim and the team had attacked James and Vance because of their sexualities. But others were far off from the truth. There was one about how Tim had tried to make-out with you behind the middle school, and Billy had seen, causing the fight to start (some kids tried saying that it was James who saw and started the fight, but that was quickly debunked when he walked into school with Vance). Some said that you had started the fight for fun because you were simply bored, no real meaning behind it. Some said that Chris started it because Tim was selling coke for too-high of a price (that was just dumb in your opinion, Chris didn’t do cocaine). But either way, everybody knew that your group and the basketball team went at it, and that Tim had tried to kill you. How that one got out, you had no idea. But the bruising around your neck was inevitable, and you had never owned a scarf in your life, so you had no way to hide it.

“This is ridiculous,” Chris growled after shouldering off another girl asking him what had happened, if he was okay, or if it had hurt to punch Michael Sandors as hard as he had. None of you were answering them, but from what you’ve heard, the basketball team had been entertaining everyone enough for both of your groups.

“Yeah,” you sighed, running a hand through your (h/c) hair, “but we just have to deal with it. Ignoring them is best,” you advised, leaning yourself beside James’ locker. He had been oddly quiet ever since that night, but you hadn’t expected much else. He’d be back to his normal self by the end of the week, you predicted. Vance was glowering beside him, subconsciously running his thumb over one of the cuts on his cheek. Neither of them had been in a fight before, and for their first fight to be centered around them, it had taken a toll.

“Hey,” Billy began, “at least now most of the school feels threatened by us. We don’t have to worry about them trying to start anything now,” he said, attempting to make the best of the situation, and Chris nodded in agreement.

“I don’t want people to be scared of me,” James scoffed, turning away from his locker to shoot Billy a glare. “I’m not like you guys. I actually enjoy people, I enjoy hanging out, partying, getting to know others. Fighting isn’t my first instinct, it’s not even an instinct. And to know that people are scared of me, hate me even, fucking sucks,” he growled. He slammed his locker shut, not even bothering to grab his books, before storming off down the hallway.

“I’ll go after him,” you said, kicking off of the locker. “I’ll see you guys at lunch,” you sighed, hoisting your bag over your shoulder and walking after James.

You managed to catch up with him quickly, and the two of you walked together silently, disregarding all the looks you recieved. Eventually, James led the two of you outside to the ‘smoke wall’, kicking a rock between the door so you wouldn’t be locked out. Thankfully there wasn’t any snow on the ground, so when the two of you sat next to each other you didn’t have to worry about your pants. You stayed quiet, looking at the side of his face and waiting for him to talk.

“I don’t mind being with him, ya know?” he began, referencing to Vance and turning his head so he could look at you as well. “I’m happy we’re finally together. I’ve had a crush on him since 7th grade. That’s 5 years of liking your best friend, (Y/N/N). So it has nothing to do with him. But it’s just… if this is how we’re gonna be treated… I don’t see the point. Risking your life for love? I get how it can seem romantic, but it’s terrifying. I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to have to hide behind you, Billy and Chris for the rest of the year, or longer. I want to be able to hang out with him, and him alone, and not worry about having a bleeding face by the end of the night. Granted, we’ve got the school to leave us alone for now, but that also means we’ve secluded ourselves. I doubt we’ll ever be invited to a party again. Group projects? Forget about it. And what about not at school? When we go to Gunther’s or the movies and we have to deal with the rest of Hawkins? It’s so fucked up,” he confessed, his eyes beginning to tear up. His hands were gripping each other, his nails digging crescents into the edges of his hands.

“Hey,” you said softly, reaching your hand out to pry his hands apart, “you’re okay and Vance is okay. That’s what matters. I can’t even begin to understand what you’re going through, so I’m not going to act like I do. But, I do know that I’ll always be here for you. We’ve only known each other for about two months, but you’re one of the closest people in my life, James. People are assholes. Just like what I said to Chris after the fight, they’re scared of what they can’t understand. But it isn’t your fault, and it isn’t Vance’s. Don’t give up on him or yourself just because of that,” you pleaded with him, soothing out the marks on his hand with your thumb. James looked down at you, his brown eyes filled with sadness- for what seemed like the first time in a long while. James nodded slowly, closing his eyes and releasing a long breath. He opened his mouth, prepared to respond, but before he had the chance, the door you had just come out of slammed open, startling the both of you.

Billy came hurtling out, holding Tim Davenford by the back of his baby blue sweater. Neither of them noticed you or James at first, both too focused on the other. Billy tossed Tim towards the adjacent brick will that led to the gym, the taller boy letting out a laugh as his face collided with the rough stone. Tim’s lip was already split, and Billy’s eyebrow had a cut- this had started within the school. You pushed yourself to your feet quickly, James following you.

“You think you’re tough shit, don’t ‘cha, Hargrove?” Tim mocked, spitting blood at Billy’s feet. “Now that you’re no longer on your own, fucking all the whores in Hawkins and claiming to be the King, you think you can do anything. News flash, you’re still worthless,” Tim spat, shoving Billy’s bare shoulders. Billy didn’t respond, instead he swung his fist, hitting Tim under the jaw. Tim stumbled to the side, splaying his hands against the wall to keep himself upright. Before Tim could counter the attack, you decided to make yourself known.

“What the fuck is going on?” you yelled, stepping closer to the two boys. They both looked towards you, finally noticing you and James. Tim’s smile grew, blood smeared over his teeth, while Billy’s expression didn’t change- the anger in his eyes looked like an all-too-familiar gas fire, and you knew that it wasn’t going to be easy to put it out.

“Stay out of this, princess,” Billy growled, briefly flashing his eyes over to James. Seeing the damage from Saturday night on James’ face, and the bruising on your neck, seemed to only fuel the fire more.

“Yeah, princess, let the big boy’s handle this,” Tim snickered. Hearing the nickname leave his mouth only angered Billy even more, and he grabbed Tim by the shoulders, allowing him to shove his fist into his abdomen. Tim groaned in pain, wrapping his arms around his stomach, but he stayed standing, and his grin never faded. Tim took the chance to lift his leg and knee Billy in the thigh, their height difference causing him to miss his groin. Billy grunted in shock, now grabbing both of Tim’s shoulders and tossing the both of them to the ground, Billy on top.

“You’ve gotta be kidding me,” you groaned, running your hands through your hair in distress. You knew better than to jump between the two- you’d end up getting hit by one of them; and if it was Billy, it’d only cause bigger problems. “Would you fucking quit it, Billy!” you shouted, and Billy paused. He was still on top of Tim, his fist raised in the air, ready to crash into the other boy’s face. Both of them were breathing hard, but Tim had a low chuckle mixed in. Billy lowered his hand, gripping the front of Tim’s sweater to pulling him up towards his own face.

“If you ever,” he seethed, “touch James or Vance again, I will not hesitate to smash your face in. And if you ever lay your hands on my girl, I’ll put you in the damn morgue,” he threatened before dropping Tim’s body, his head hitting the pavement with a disgusting thump. Your heart stopped at Billy’s threat, not because you were worried about Tim’s safety (you would do the same), but because of what Billy had said. His girl?

Billy stood, walking backwards carefully until he was away from Tim. You reached your arm out, hooking a finger into one of his belt loops and tugging him back to you and James. Tim stood up slowly, cracking his neck as he did. He ran his tongue along his teeth, collecting as much blood as could and spitting onto the pavement. Tim eyed the stance of the three of you: you and Billy standing in front of James with crossed arms, you with an arched eyebrow, and James peering over your shoulder with a smirk. Shaking his head with a laugh, Tim walked back into the school without acknowledging Billy’s threat, or saying anything else. Once the door hit the rock, all hell broke loose.

“What the actual fuck, you asshole?” you yelled, rearing on Billy with wild eyes. James stepped back, his own eyes wide with shock and amusement.

“The hell is your problem?” Billy shouted back, giving you an incredulous look, rapidly blinking away a drop of blood that was attempting to sneak into the corner of his eye from his eyebrow.

“You! I told you not to start anything after Saturday night! And yet here we are, Monday morning with you covered in fresh blood. Coach is going to kick both of you off of the team no doubt, and if your dad wasn’t pissed after Saturday, he sure as hell is gonna be now!” you yelled, waving your hand in the air, in no particular direction.

“Can I-” James began to interject.

“No!” you and Billy yelled at the same time, and his mouth shut, the sound of his teeth coming together audible for the three of you.

“You told me not to get caught starting anything. How the hell was I supposed to know that you two were having a love session out here?” Billy scoffed, rolling his eyes. A pitched sound of distaste left both you and James at the same time.

“We were not having a ‘love session’. In case you’ve forgotten, this whole ordeal is because James and Vance like each other. Or are you too focused on your fists to remember anything anymore? Do I need to start alerting the nursing homes of a new patient?” you questioned, your voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Plus, you totally just called her ‘your girl’. You guys weren’t gonna mention it, so I thought I would,” James added quickly before either of you could cut him off. The two of you fell silent, snapping your heads towards James with deadly eyes. “I’m just uh… gonna go to class,” he said pointing his thumbs to the door and quickly walking off to avoid your glares. Once he had left, you cautiously looked back to Billy. Letting out a shaky breath, Billy moved back so he could lean against the wall, finally meeting your gaze.

“He’s not wrong,” you said, shoving your hands into the pockets of your leather jacket as your anger began to cool over. “You did, ya know, call me your girl.”

“Yeah… yeah I did,” Billy admitted, leaning his head back. His blond curls squished out from behind his head, the static from the wall causing random hairs to stick up. “It just sort of slipped out. I was angry. He tried to kill you, (Y/N), and you’re unbothered by it. A guy wrapped his hands around your neck, and tried to choke you to death, and you don’t care. I don’t get it!” Billy huffed, looking down at you and picking his head back up.

“I’ve been through alot, Billy. This,” you pointed to your bruised neck, “is nothing new. It’s not a life I enjoy, it’s not something I brag about or wished for. But it’s what I’ve been stuck with, and it’s what I have to deal with. Crying about it, and allowing it to affect me, won’t get me anywhere. So I have to move past it seconds after it happens, and figure out how to do better next time. I shouldn’t have turned around to check on James and Vance. I forgot Fayre was with them, and that was my downfall. They were my weak spots, and Davenford knew it, and he took advantage of that. Next time, I have to stay entirely focused on the fight,” you explained, your eyes hard.

“No, there will be no next time,” Billy said sternly, walking towards you. “You’ve never talked about your life before Hawkins, except about your uncle. It’s almost as if you came out of that Mustang brand new to the world, fists bared. Whatever happened, you can talk to me about it. Nobody knows about my mom except for you and my dad. Not even Max knows. I trusted you enough to see me that morning. And I want you to know that you can trust me enough to see you without your fists, and your leather jacket, and your snarky remarks. Nobody really knows you, princess,” he confided quietly, his fingers twitching by his leg. Billy wanted nothing more than to reach up and push back your (h/c) hair, but he restrained himself. “Tell me what happened to you to make you like this.”

You stared back at him, your (e/c) eyes searching his blue eyes for any sign of a lie or form of deceit within them. When you saw none, you narrowed your eyes but nodded slowly. You moved to the wall, sliding down it and resting your back against the bricks. Billy followed, sitting beside you.

“I’ve never really talked about this, so I don’t know how this is going to go,” you warned, bringing your knees to your chest and loosely wrapping your arms around them. “I told you how I was always bouncing between my dad and my uncle because of the trouble I was getting into, right? Well, I wasn’t alone. It was always my best friend and I doing everything. His name was Jackson, but I usually called him Jax. I know, I know, it seems like I’m always drawn to guys. Don’t think I haven’t heard the rumors around here, but that’s beside the point,” you sighed, dismissing him when he began to open his mouth. “As I was saying. Him and I would get into petty crimes. Vandalism, assault charges, trespassing. Those things. But last year, he took things too far. He had really, really bad anger problems. I think it was called I.E.D or something? He would blow up really quick. It was horrible in middle school, but he’d gotten control of it by junior year. However, whenever he would get high or drunk, he would lose control. I knew about this, so naturally we agreed not to get intoxicated without each other,” you took a breath, resting your forehead on your knees.

“But last December, he went to some end-of-term after-party. I hadn’t gone because I wasn’t feeling too well. Usually he would’ve stayed behind, but he had a date and she wanted to go, so he went. I figured that since he was with someone, nothing bad would happen. I was wrong. Acid is popular where I’m from. You can get it almost anywhere, in any form, and if you know the right person, you can get it pretty cheap. That night, everyone was doing it. Jax doesn’t submit to peer pressure, he’s not that kind of guy. He’s a leader, he’s smart, and he knew his anger would act up. So I don’t know why he did it… I never got the chance to ask. But he did. I got a call, while I was at my uncle’s, right before I was heading to bed. My uncle wasn’t home, so I didn’t have to worry about him. It was the girl he had gone with, and she was bawling her eyes out. I couldn’t even understand what she was saying. She was saying random words, as though she was attempting to piece them together in a sentence, and her crying just made things worse. I hung up on her, knowing something had gone wrong and I went over to the party. When I got there, there was this huge crowd on the front lawn, no music or anything. Just the sound of people yelling, screaming, and shouting. I could hardly get through there was so much chaos. But when I got to the middle… it was even worse, Billy.”

“Jax and this guy Jayden were going at it. Nothing new, knowing teenagers. But they were both high, and Jax was so mad. They were both on the football team, so there wasn’t any size or power disadvantages, but that honestly only made things worse. There was so much blood. Nobody would tell me what was happening, they were all too focused on chanting ‘Jackson’ or ‘Jayden’, picking sides. Jax wasn’t letting up, he had Jayden’s arms pinned to the ground with his knees, and he was literally smashing his nose in. I knew I had to do something. He wasn’t going to get out of this one, at all. He was going to end up in a jail cell or a hospital bed either way, but I had to stop it. I had to. It was dumb, I know that. I knew that then, and I know it now. But I grabbed him from behind, holding his arms as tight as I could and pulled him away. It only made him more upset though. He started thrashing, and when he threw his head back, it hit me square in the forehead. I let go of him, and when I did that… fuck… he turned around and punched me in the face. He hesitated after, for a second. He knew it was me, but then he started punching me. Over and over. I was so shocked, and upset, and horrified that it took me a few moments to fully register what was going on. But when I did, it took everything in me to get him to stop. Everyone in the crowd had stopped chanting. They didn’t help, they didn’t step in, but it had grown deadly silent except for the two of us.”

“There was a glass beer bottle on the ground next to me. I could hardly reach it, but I managed, and I had to hit him over the head to get him to stop. The glass broke and it shattered over the both of us. He collapsed on top of me, and all I wanted to do was hold him. But I couldn’t, so I threw him off of me. It was like staring at a crime scene photo there was so much blood on him. Jayden was passed out too, and he didn’t look much better. When I got back to Jeremy’s, neither did I. The cops showed up almost right after. I ran so fast when I heard those sirens, that I have no idea what happened to him. I got in my car and left. Without Jax. When I got home, Jeremy was there. That was the first, and most likely the last, time he had ever shown actually concern for me. When I walked in, and he saw the blood and that I was crying… it was like he was a whole different person. I collapsed in front of the door, and he came over, and actually held me and talked to me, like I was his niece. It was all too much, and I ended up passing out. When I woke up, it was around noon the next day and the blood was gone- he cleaned me with a rag, don’t worry. But, I never heard from Jax. I still haven’t. We moved a week later, him and my dad both agreed it’d be best. I don’t know why, I never asked. I also don’t know why he’s gone back to being an asshole… it kind of sucks… but it’s what I have to deal with. All of it is. So… yeah, I guess,” you finished finally, lifting your head up and looking over at Billy. “Oh my god why the fuck are you crying.”

“Why aren’t you?” Billy yelled, his eyes wide and his voice hoarse. You rolled your eyes, unsure of what to do. “(Y/N), that’s traumatic. You can’t just brush that off. Watching your best friend beat someone up, and then getting beaten up by your best friend, is not a normal experience!”

“No offense, asshole, but neither is your home life,” you shot back, glaring at him. Billy glared back and you looked away from him, avoiding his teary, blue eyes.

“Yes, princess, I’m aware of that. I don’t think that you are,” he said, reaching over to grab your chin and bring your gaze back to him.

“I don’t want to be. It’s better to forget about it, to forget about him. It’s why I click with James. He’s the better version of Jax. More calm, happy and bright. Saturday brought back that December night, and I didn’t want to deal with it. Seeing you in that fight just now, brought it back. Whenever I fight, it pushes the memory back even farther. But when I see you, or James, or even Chris fighting, it brings it all back. I don’t know why… but it does, and I don’t like it. I don’t want you to end up like him. Not more than you already are,” you admitted, looking up at him. Billy didn’t take offense to the comment, he knew he had problems- problems very similar to your friend.

“I get that, princess. But I need you to understand something,” he said firmly, his tone changing. Your eyebrows furrowed momentarily, but you nodded, ready to listen. “Tim laid his hands on you, in an attempt to end your life. I almost lost you two days ago. Today would not be happening right now, had you not done what you did. Today I’d be in prison for murder. Today, James, Chris and Vance would be mourning your death, alone. Do you understand that? Your neck, is bruised in three different shades. I can’t even breathe on it without you wincing. You’re trying to brush it off, like you’ve brushed off Jackson, but I refuse to brush it off. I will not let someone hurt you like that again. I’m well aware you can stick up for yourself, I’ve seen it first hand, but you shouldn’t have to. Truthfully, none of us should,” Billy hesitated before continuing, his blue eyes dashing between yours. “I called you my girl for a reason. It wasn’t a mistake, or a lie. I meant it. I hate seeing you in pain, whether I can see the pain or not, it doesn’t matter. If I can prevent, I will,” he finished. Your heart stuttered at his words, unsure of how to react. Nobody’s ever said something like that before. Sure you’ve had flings before, but nothing as serious as this.

So you did the only thing you could think of. Tilting your head up, you allowed your lips to connect with his. Your eyes fluttered shut, Billy’s hand instantly moving from your chin to the side of your face, while his lips moved against yours. His lips were chapped, and you each had a wound on your lip of some kind, so it wasn’t exactly pleasurable. It caused the kiss to sting a little, his chapped lips rubbing against your scabbed one, while yours pressed against the corner of his swollen, fat lip. But you two made it work. Your hand moved to his bare bicep, keeping you balanced, as his other hand tangled itself into your messy hair. You pulled back slowly, the sting on your lips soon becoming too much, and the sound of your kiss breaking filled the silent alley.

“Does that mean you’re not mad anymore?” Billy questioned, tilting his head with a playful smirk. You chuckled softly, shaking your head at him.

“I’m still mad, but I forgive you. And, I will gladly be your girl,” you grinned, watching Billy’s eyes light up as he returned your giddy smile.

“What’d I tell ya? The Princess and The Asshole sound perfect.”

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