linear
i wish healing was linear
so i could point to a date on the calendar and say,
"this is when i will be over you"
so that every time i see you does not feel
like a dagger twisting under my ribs
before i quickly walk away
if healing was linear then i wouldnt still have dreams
dreams where you apologize and come back
we can't be friends again for so many reasons
but my inner subconscious doesn't seem to know that
you turned a month into a wound
how am i supposed to make it through september
past your birthday
when for four years i texted you at midnight
now i cry when you open your mouth
one hour i am fine i tell myself that i am okay
that things are getting better
later i am crying to her because i miss you,
even after everything
i hate you more for that
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my greatest friends lost to malice
cold and hungry and thin housing when your moms eyes shivered blank and asked if you’ll please stay a girl
we smoke and writhe, ethereal
as someone else touches me hollow, she makes bile taste familiar, I won’t know until years later
~
clawing ripping I miss what we all used to be
fading helpless as this world withers us away
holding, gripping, sobbing into carved up arms and legs and stomach fat “I love you more than anything”
kisses by the river before you depart
~
you and I lay in hospital beds months years countries apart, connected, unsure, bloody, battered
I see us 5 years from now
when the acid finally tears through esophagus
our flesh has always been poisonous
no one knows me at your funeral
but I know you,
I know you.
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𝐻𝒾𝒾, 𝐼’𝓂 𝐵𝓊𝓃𝓃𝒾𝑒!! ⋆.ೃ࿔*:・
⋆ ˚。⋆୨୧˚ AႦσυƚ Mҽ: ˚୨୧⋆。˚ ⋆
︵‿︵‿୨♡୧‿︵‿︵
𝙿𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚜 𝚊𝚛𝚎 𝚂𝚑𝚎/𝚃𝚑𝚎𝚢, 𝙸’𝚖 𝟷𝟿!
𝙸’𝚖 𝚋𝚒𝚐 𝚘𝚗 𝙲𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚕𝚘𝚝𝚝𝚎 𝙳𝚘𝚋𝚛𝚎, 𝚂𝚊𝚖&𝙲𝚘𝚕𝚋𝚢, 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚂𝚝𝚞𝚛𝚗𝚒𝚘𝚕𝚘, 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚂𝚒𝚍𝚎𝚖𝚎𝚗, 𝙳𝚊𝚗&𝙿𝚑𝚒𝚕, 𝚎𝚝𝚌
𝙱𝚘𝙹𝚊𝚌𝚔 𝙷𝚘𝚛𝚜𝚖𝚊𝚗, 𝚆𝚊𝚕𝚔𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚍𝚎𝚊𝚍 (𝙸𝚗𝚌𝚕𝚞𝚍𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚖𝚘𝚜𝚝 𝚜𝚙𝚒𝚗 𝚘𝚏𝚏𝚜), 𝙲𝚛𝚒𝚖𝚒𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝙼𝚒𝚗𝚍𝚜, 𝙼𝚘𝚍𝚎𝚛𝚗 𝙵𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢, 𝟸 𝙱𝚛𝚘𝚔𝚎 𝙶𝚒𝚛𝚕𝚜, 𝟿𝟷𝟷, 𝙱𝚘𝚋𝚜 𝚋𝚞𝚛𝚐𝚎𝚛𝚜, 𝙵𝚊𝚖𝚒𝚕𝚢 𝚐𝚞𝚢/𝙰𝚖𝚎𝚛𝚒𝚌𝚊𝚗 𝙳𝚊𝚍, 𝚂𝚘𝚞𝚝𝚑 𝙿𝚊𝚛𝚔 & 𝚖𝚘𝚛𝚎!
𝙰𝚞𝚝𝚒𝚜𝚖 & 𝙱𝚙𝚍, 𝙼𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚊𝚕 𝙷𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚝𝚑 𝙼𝚊𝚝𝚝𝚎𝚛𝚜!
𝙻𝙾𝚅𝙴 𝙼𝚄𝚂𝙸𝙲!! 𝚃𝚠𝚎𝚗𝚝𝚢 𝙾𝚗𝚎 𝙿𝚒𝚕𝚘𝚝𝚜, 𝙰𝙹𝚁, 𝙿𝚒𝚎𝚛𝚌𝚎 𝚃𝚑𝚎 𝚅𝚊𝚒𝚕, & 𝙼𝚘𝚛𝚎!!
𝚀𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚛 & 𝙿𝚘𝚕𝚢𝚊𝚖𝚘𝚞𝚛𝚜
𝙿𝚕𝚎𝚊𝚜𝚎 𝚏𝚎𝚎𝚕 𝚏𝚛𝚎𝚎 𝚝𝚘 𝚖𝚎𝚜𝚜𝚊𝚐𝚎 𝚖𝚎!! *:・゚✧*:・゚
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It's night and you just lazily lie down on your bed. Your cotton sleepwear and the blanket slowly and slowly are merging into one, giving you a comfortable time. The moisturiser you applied before going to bed seems to give away a familiar fragrance. You take a breath and nonchalantly run your fingers through your hairs. An unearthly quietness filled the dark room, the bedsheet is cold, so you move a little to the side and your palm touches the warmth of your body dwelling on the bed sheet. You pick your phone up from the bedside table to check the time, but subconsciously you opened your whatsapp. When you realise, it is too late not to think about the things you're missing, maybe it's the nightlife of teenage dreams, a bunch of chats and a lot of sugar coated memories that once turned out to be something bitter. Your ears make you aware of your sighs and a little burn in the nose absolutely informs you about the sudden rain, of course the rain which is only meant to fall on your pillow. And then you just lie straight on the bed, putting your phone down, staring at the ceiling, your face, taking a bath in the hotspring. You always forget to check the time.
As you don't feel sleepy, you again take your phone and bring it so close to your face, safely, you don't want to make the same mistake of dropping it on your face again. 2 am, it is. Then you go to spotify and search up “Cardigan by Taylor Swift”, it shows up and you hit the play button. Closing your eyes after a warm rain shower makes you feel a bit uneasy but you still keep them closed. Flipping your phone down on your chest, you hum along with her voice. You know she always gets it, she gets everyone who is in pain. Gulping a lump of melancholy down your throat, you rub your forehead a little, a bit restless and a lot hurt,
escaping has never been easy. You wonder how some people can break and hold your heart at the same time. You wonder if anybody understands how helpless it makes one feel. Her voice always finds a way to get into your soul, the words always give you a sense of relief.
Yes, as if it's really okay to feel like this. As if it's really okay to sing out loud,
“You drew stars, around my scars and now I'm bleeding.”
✒mystica
Picture source : Pinterest
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Elaine of Astolat
"What know I?
My brethren have been all my fellowship;
And I, when often they have talked of love,
Wished it had been my mother, for they talked,
Meseemed, of what they knew not; so myself--
I know not if I know what true love is,
But if I know, then, if I love not him,
I know there is none other I can love."
--Lancelot and Elaine, by Alfred Tennyson
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