#we are made to love

[resonancewitness]

Falling down the rabbit hole (or was it the lion’s den?), becoming a turtle 

I have to admit that I owe getting to know about yizhan to a completely unrelated fictional character. Blame it all on Yoshikazu Miyano and his obsession with BL manga :)

The story of Sasaki and Miyano (manga/ anime by Shou Harusono) reminded me of some of my own personal untold stories and led me to writing fanfiction — creative retelling of the canon story in the form of first-person narrative. It was easier to do Sasaki’s POV first, but to write a companion piece from Miyano’s POV, I had to do writer’s research on BL, which was mainly out of my orbit before (except for some great Harry/Draco stories I read, gosh, more than 15 years ago).

Reading and watching BL led to Netflix recommending me tgcf donhua. The sense of “wow, this is something special” led to purchasing the books and watching “The Untamed”, digging up fandom(dot) com while waiting for the books to be delivered. I have been learning Chinese recently, so I also started to try to read the manhuas. 

Watching “The Untamed” was a very special experience. Something was there, in the playing of it, that rang truer than mere acting. I could not name it, what it was, but I could tell that I can recognise something genuine, authentic and exceptionally beautiful. I could not leave it be, it was like this feeling of “really real and special” was calling out to me, leaving me with questions I felt the need to find answers to. 

The Facebook algorithm, which is too clever for its own good, but to which I owe some really good recommendations, started showing me reels made of cql bts footage. What a beautiful mess these reels are. Exceptionally befuddling. Sometimes obviously altered — cut, edited and mistranslated. I understood that there are more where those came from, and spent some time on Youtube. It is to a significant extent a clickbait-ey and money-hungry garbage dump, but I was lucky to see some long unedited fancam footage from the first big fanmeet and from the t-cent award night at the end of 2019. 

The thing that turned me into a bona fide turtle, I think, was

watching the way one’s face transformed when the other arrived at the t-cent award night, and the way their movements synchronized, and the body language at the fanmeet. I have not been a counsellor for longer than the younger of them is alive (scary to say that, I feel old :)) for nothing. I do read body language very well and I can tell genuine expressions from schooled ones. And I can tell a good relationship from a bad or non-existent one.

I saw that what I was witnessing was something precious, exceptional; each of them looked at the other as if the other was a miracle — undeserved, stunning, adored, beautiful, worthy of all love possible.

And then it was time for the “Tomorrow Will Be Better” recording, which I witnessed as the footage appeared. I saw that the resonance between them was still there, even if they weren't physically side by side. I could see that what they have has been transforming them, making them into better people, expanding inwardly, as beautiful in their inner worlds as their outward appearance is beautiful. And at the same time, I knew by then they could be silly and playful and dirty-minded, which I also appreciate a lot in people. Very human, very genuine, very pure in unexplainable ways. Capable of overcoming difficulties without becoming jaded or conceited.

And yes, I can tell where and when what I am reading into what I am seeing is my own collection of projections and inferences, — and where and when it isn't.

I felt that my world has become brighter when I got to know about these brilliant young men. Their steadfastness and earnest commitment to choose what is worth doing, and to do it to the best of their ability, gives me hope. 

I wanted to know more about them, to sort the edited versions from the real story as it had happened.

And so I found that there is a whole international community of people who treasure an untold story and carefully put it together to confirm what they felt in their hearts as true. And some part of the most thoughtful and careful core of the international part of this community is here on Tumblr. 

This is an exceptional phenomenon — a community of readers of an untold story, for whom this story is so important that they hold on to it for years, reconstructing it from tiny crumbs, without much hope of ever entering into true, deep, expanded dialogue with the heroes/authors of the real thing. The readers that are themselves, obviously, transformed in some important ways, quite possibly — very precious ways. Sharing the resonant values with the heroes/ authors. Creating beautiful friendships with each other across distance and differences. Paying it forward. 

I am happy I have found the turtles. I am happy I got to know about yizhan. 

The resonance I felt seeing their eyes and smiles, was something so unusual that I felt an urge to make sense of what I was feeling. I created this space to write my reflections. Maybe something that I write will make sense not only to me. 

If there are errors in what I write, please kindly forgive me. English is not my first language. 

#yizhan #bxg #bjyxszd #witnessing something precious #sacred reading of visual texts #finding ourselves in their story #resonance #bjyx #how reconstructing an untold story transforms us? #we are made to love #becoming a turtle #mxtx #tgcf #the untamed #bts

[wholesome-supervillain]

don’t just ask God for blessings.

ask him to help you bless others, and then go out and do it. help with small things like cleanup after events or meal prep or carrying bags or homework. compliment people’s bright hair dye or pretty skirt or cool shoes or funny t-shirt. sit next to people and talk to them, make new friends, invite them to eat with you. go out to that empty lot with garbage bags and pick up all the trash—watch, passersby will silently join you, if only for a few minutes. go out of your way to give.

then kneel by your bed, exhausted, and thank God for the blessings you have received.

#religion #christianity #christian faith #radical love #radical kindness #i’m saying this because #sometimes i don’t do anything for other people and at the end of the day i feel fine #and sometimes i give my day to other people and have less time for myself #and those days are the best in the world #we are made to love #y’all. Y’ALL #give to other people without expecting anything back and i PROMISE it will bring you joy

[joycrispy]

Zepotha will never be Goncharov because when it comes down to it, tumblr culture is collaborative, while tiktok culture is merely iterative, and those are not the same thing.

#also because tumblr has a very specific way that it interacts with the media it loves #like make no mistake; when we made Goncharov we were a little bit making fun of ourselves #and the way we project high emotion and significance onto even the smallest details #(also the way we want everything to be gay) #tiktok isn’t doing that. they think the joke is the fake movie itself. but the fake movie isn't really the point. #the point is the fake FANDOM #goncharov

[stil-lindigo]

You are not childish for wishing the world was better than it is. We were owed that by the people who knew better before us, just like we too will owe the people who’ll come after us. But defeatism does nothing. It puts nothing on the plate you’ll hand to your child, your friend, your lover. You may never live to see the world become as good as it should, but that should never stop you from trying to improve it anyway.

#I think people were made to love each other and somehow we managed to fuck it all up #but the good news is that it doesn’t have to be this way #free palestine

[thebibliosphere]

I've talked about this before, but emotional dysregulation is such a mother fucker aspect of ADHD.

Like, sure, not being able to regulate my attention sucks, but it's genuinely fucking nothing compared to the absolute rollercoaster of emotions I just went on because someone said something in a shitty tone, and now I'm having to actively walk myself through DBT methods lest my idiot shit for brains 'shiny-can't-sit-still-disorder' drop the match on that particular bridge because the rejection sensitive dysphoria feels like my chest is burning and not being able to act on the hurt feels like I'm suffocating under the weight of emotions pushing down on me and lashing out in anger is quicker than taking the time to self soothe.

And the annoying fucking thing is I know it's me.

I've done enough therapy to know my emotional response to their shittiness is overblown and dysregulated. I know I'm taking it to heart more than they could ever imagine.

And I've got to fucking sit with that and process it because if I don't, I'll be the inconsiderate cunt in this interaction and hhnnggg--wailing, gnashing, biting my thumb at you in the marketplace, etc, etc.

#personal #this is so fucking insignificant and my brain is just like 'but what if we made it into a life or death adrenaline pumping reponse' #and it's like brain #I love you #but you're a fucking idiot sometimes #chill tf out

[inkskinned]

at some point it's just like. do they even fucking like the thing they're asking AI to make? "oh we'll just use AI for all the scripts" "we'll just use AI for art" "no worries AI can write this book" "oh, AI could easily design this"

like... it's so clear they've never stood in the middle of an art museum and felt like crying, looking at a piece that somehow cuts into your marrow even though the artist and you are separated by space and time. they've never looked at a poem - once, twice, three times - just because the words feel like a fired gun, something too-close, clanging behind your eyes. they've never gotten to the end of the movie and had to arrive, blinking, back into their body, laughing a little because they were holding their breath without realizing.

"oh AI can mimic style" "AI can mimic emotion" "AI can mimic you and your job is almost gone, kid."

... how do i explain to you - you can make AI that does a perfect job of imitating me. you could disseminate it through the entire world and make so much money, using my works and my ideas and my everything.

and i'd still keep writing.

i don't know there's a word for it. in high school, we become aware that the way we feel about our artform is a cliche - it's like breathing. over and over, artists all feel the same thing. "i write because i need to" and "my music is how i speak" and "i make art because it's either that or i stop existing." it is such a common experience, the violence and immediacy we mean behind it is like breathing to me - comes out like a useless understatement. it's a cliche because we all feel it, not because the experience isn't actually persistent. so many of us have this ... fluttering urgency behind our ribs.

i'm not doing it for the money. for a star on the ground in some city i've never visited. i am doing it because when i was seven i started taking notebooks with me on walks. i am doing it because in second grade i wrote a poem and stood up in front of my whole class to read it out while i shook with nerves. i am doing it because i spent high school scribbling all my feelings down. i am doing it for the 16 year old me and the 18 year old me and the today-me, how we can never put the pen down. you can take me down to a subatomic layer, eviscerate me - and never find the source of it; it is of me. when i was 19 i named this blog inkskinned because i was dramatic and lonely and it felt like the only thing that was actually permanently-true about me was that this is what is inside of me, that the words come up over everything, coat everything, bloom their little twilight arias into every nook and corner and alley

"we're gonna replace you". that is okay. you think that i am writing to fill a space. that someone said JOB OPENING: Writer Needed, and i wrote to answer. you think one raindrop replaces another, and i think they're both just falling. you think art has a place, that is simply arrives on walls when it is needed, that is only ever on demand, perfect, easily requested. you see "audience spending" and "marketability" and "multi-line merch opportunity"

and i see a kid drowning. i am writing to make her a boat. i am writing because what used to be a river raft has long become a fully-rigged ship. i am writing because you can fucking rip this out of my cold dead clammy hands and i will still come back as a ghost and i will still be penning poems about it.

it isn't even love. the word we use the most i think is "passion". devotion, obsession, necessity. my favorite little fact about the magic of artists - "abracadabra" means i create as i speak. we make because it sluices out of us. because we look down and our hands are somehow already busy. because it was the first thing we knew and it is our backbone and heartbreak and everything. because we have given up well-paying jobs and a "real life" and the approval of our parents. we create because - the cliche again. it's like breathing. we create because we must.

you create because you're greedy.

#every time someones like ''AI will replace u" im like. u will have to fucking KILL ME #there is no replacement here bc i am not filling a position. i am just writing #and the writing is what i need to be doing #writeblr #this probably doesn't make sense bc its sooo frustrating i rarely speak it the way i want to #edited for the typo wrote it and then was late to a meeting lol #i love u people who mention my typos genuinely bc i don't always catch them!!!! :) it is doing me a genuine favor!!! #my friend says i should tell you ''thank you beta editors'' but i don't know what that means #i made her promise it isn't a wolf fanfiction thing. so if it IS a wolf thing she is DEAD to me (just kidding i love her) #hey PS PS PS ??? if ur reading this thinking what it's saying is ''i am financially capable of losing this'' ur reading it wrong #i write for free. i always have. i have worked 5-7 jobs at once to make ends meet. #i did not grow up with access or money. i did not grow up with connections or like some kind of excuse #i grew up and worked my fucking ASS OFF. and i STILL!!! wrote!!! on the side!!! because i didn't know how not to!!! #i do not write for money!!!! i write because i fuckken NEED TO #i could be in the fucking desert i could be in the fuckken tundra i could be in total darkness #and i would still be writing pretentious angsty poetry about it #im not in any way saying it's a good thing. i'm not in any way implying that they're NOT tryna kill us #i'm saying. you could take away our jobs and we could go hungry and we could suffer #and from that suffering (if i know us) we'd still fuckin make art. #i would LOVE to be able to make money doing this! i never have been able to. but i don't NEED to. i will find a way to make my life work #even if it means being miserable #but i will not give up this thing. for the whole world.

[andthebeanstalk]

Today my therapist introduced me to a concept surrounding disability that she called "hLep".

Which is when you - in this case, you are a disabled person - ask someone for help ("I can't drink almond milk so can you get me some whole milk?", or "Please call Donna and ask her to pick up the car for me."), and they say yes, and then they do something that is not what you asked for but is what they think you should have asked for ("I know you said you wanted whole, but I got you skim milk because it's better for you!", "I didn't want to ruin Donna's day by asking her that, so I spent your money on an expensive towing service!") And then if you get annoyed at them for ignoring what you actually asked for - and often it has already happened repeatedly - they get angry because they "were just helping you! You should be grateful!!"

And my therapist pointed out that this is not "help", it's "hLep".

Sure, it looks like help; it kind of sounds like help too; and if it was adjusted just a little bit, it could be help. But it's not help. It's hLep.

At its best, it is patronizing and makes a person feel unvalued and un-listened-to. Always, it reinforces the false idea that disabled people can't be trusted with our own care. And at its worst, it results in disabled people losing our freedom and control over our lives, and also being unable to actually access what we need to survive.

So please, when a disabled person asks you for help on something, don't be a hLeper, be a helper! In other words: they know better than you what they need, and the best way you can honor the trust they've put in you is to believe that!

Also, I want to be very clear that the "getting angry at a disabled person's attempts to point out harmful behavior" part of this makes the whole thing WAY worse. Like it'd be one thing if my roommate bought me some passive-aggressive skim milk, but then they heard what I had to say, and they apologized and did better in the future - our relationship could bounce back from that. But it is very much another thing to have a crying shouting match with someone who is furious at you for saying something they did was ableist. Like, Christ, Jessica, remind me to never ask for your support ever again! You make me feel like if I asked you to call 911, you'd order a pizza because you know I'll feel better once I eat something!!

Edit: crediting my therapist by name with her permission - this term was coined by Nahime Aguirre Mtanous!

Edit again: I made an optional follow-up to this post after seeing the responses. Might help somebody. CW for me frankly talking about how dangerous hLep really is.

#hlep #original #mental health #my sympathies and empathies to anyone who has to rely on this kind of hlep to get what they need. #the people in my life who most need to see this post are my family but even if they did I sincerely doubt they would internalize it #i've tried to break thru to them so many times it makes my head hurt. so i am focusing on boundaries and on finding other forms of support #and this thing i learned today helps me validate those boundaries. the example with the milk was from my therapist. #the example with the towing company was a real thing that happened with my parents a few months ago while I was age 28. 28! #a full adult age! it is so infantilizing as a disabled adult to seek assistance and support from ableist parents. #they were real mad i was mad tho. and the spoons i spent trying to explain it were only the latest in a long line of #huge family-related spoon expenditures. distance and the ability to enforce boundaries helps. haven't talked to sisters for literally the #longest period of my whole life. people really believe that if they love you and try to help you they can do no wrong. #and those people are NOT great allies to the chronically sick folks in their lives. #you can adore someone and still fuck up and hurt them so bad. will your pride refuse to accept what you've done and lash out instead? #or will you have courage and be kind? will you learn and grow? all of us have prejudices and practices we are not yet aware of. #no one is pure. but will you be kind? will you be a good friend? will you grow? i hope i grow. i hope i always make the choice to grow. #i hope with every year i age i get better and better at making people feel the opposite of how my family's ableism has made me feel #i will see them seen and hear them heard and smile at their smiles. make them feel smart and held and strong. #just like i do now but even better! i am always learning better ways to be kind so i don't see why i would stop

[kymsys]

'It was late spring, the first time all year that the sunshine had any real strength behind it. Satoru was wittering on about something inane as always — Tentomon or something equally ridiculous.

There was nothing special about the moment. Not really. Except for the fact that Satoru had shrugged off his jacket in the heat. It was draped around his shoulders just so, exposing the long column of his throat, pale after a long winter. Really, there was nothing special about the moment. But when Suguru looked at the boy silhouetted against the spring sky, bright and blue and boundless and beautiful — just like his eyes, Suguru thought — his heart skipped a beat all the same. With all the sight afforded to him, Satoru never missed a thing. So it was risky, what Suguru did. Later, when he was looking at his new phone wallpaper under the cover of darkness, grinning like an idiot, he'd wonder how he ever got away with it. Yet, if Suguru's yearning to capture that perfectly ordinary moment forever was stronger than all reason, perhaps it was stronger than the Six Eyes, too. After all, not even Satoru could stop time.' - by my beloved @fushiglow ♥

(( also glo says: FUN FACT! Tentomon is voiced by Suguru's VA — ergo it's Satoru's favourite Digimon, obviously )) ---------------------------------------------------------

freshly added headcanons: • gojo at some point randomly barged into sugurus room and put glowy stickers all over his ceiling • suguru has gojo as his phone wallpaper, but keeps it a secret • suguru is a hamasaki ayumi fan • the cinnamoroll phone charm is from gojo who spent almost an eternity getting that out of a gatcha machine for him • they were happy

#look what glo did #pls all go check out glos writing #so basically i made a small little sketch of gojo and the glo came up with this whole ass cute story around it #AND I LOVED IT SO MUCH THAT I HAD TO DRAW IT #and here we are #i love them so much #i feel very normal about them #gojo satoru #geto suguru #jujutsu kaisen #satosugu #stsg #jjk #kymsys art

[artsbysmarty]

It’s hard for us bitches with auditory processing issues out here :/

#original art #my art #smarty draws herself #comic #1k #2k #3k #EDIT: ty guys for the love. to clarify I made this about a guy I had recently started dating. somehow we are still dating 😭 #4k #5k

[loumands]

I feel like many people have a fundamental misconception of what unreliable narrator means. It's simply a narrative vehicle not a character flaw or a sign that the character is a bad person. There are also many different types of unreliable narrators in fiction. Being an unreliable narrator doesn't necessarily mean that the character is 'wrong', it definitely doesn't mean that they're wrong about everything even if some aspects in their story are inaccurate, and only some unreliable narrators actively and consciously lie. Stories that have unreliable narrators also tend to deal with perception and memory and they often don't even have one objective truth, just different versions. It reflects real life where we know human memory is highly unreliable and vague and people can interpret same events very differently

#the way some people (usually lestat fans lol) talk about louis being an unreliable narrator has frustrated me #i still insist louis' unreliableness is mostly subtle (passing quickly over things he doesn't want to think about #presenting things that factually happened in a way he can build a story that makes sense to him #not knowing what lestat is thinking and feeling so interpreting him differently than lestat himself probably would) #rather than he's telling something that didn't really happen or is under armand's mind control or something #like for example i think it's been made very clear all the abuse really happened they're not gonna suddenly pull the rug from under it #if anything i feel lestat is going to turn out to be even worse than louis perceived him when we hear people who are not in love w him lol #keanu.txt

[beybuniki]

crush

#the crush is whoever you want it to be we need world peace #i love how openly shy and nervous he caqn get hes so cute #bnha #deku #midoriya izuku #eri made that 'deku' bracelet hihi

[resonancewitness]

a couple of words about relational identity

"A human being is a node of connections", said Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. Each of our precious connections, friendships, colleague-ships, and loves, allows us to be the person we would like to be. In other words, in each important connection an aspect of our identity is performed, that cannot be performed anywhere else in the same shape or form. When a connection is lost, a possibility of a certain important part of self is lost, too.

For me being a turtle means believing that for yizhan their connection allows each of them to be his own preferred self in many ways, and without this connection it wouldn't have been possible (in the same way, with anybody else). This is what makes the connection so precious as to be maintained, and cherished, and protected, and developed, despite all the obstacles. I can imagine many people in somewhat similar circumstances who would have given up on the connection, given the difficulties; when we reconstruct the untold story in ways that make us believe that they didn't give up, enhances the meaningfulness and the preciousness of the connection.

For me being a turtle means assuming that the connection may be one of the central "bearing pillars" in their lives, one of the main answers to the question "who am I (becoming)", "what makes me who I am". Maybe even "what helps me survive and overcome difficulties", "what is one of the important sources of meaning in my life".

And also for me being a turtle means asking myself the question "who am I becoming because of them existing in my inner world, and me experiencing some sort of one-directional connection to them?" Is there something that I can become, some aspect of my preferred self, that otherwise would not be possible, only in witnessing (or imaginary dialogue with) each of them, or both of them?

#yizhan #witnessing something precious #bjyxszd #bxg #we are made to love #resonance #relational identity #how reconstructing an untold story transforms us? #performance of identity

[luyo-mi]

🐙❤️

#may my future riddle and azul book 6 battles be easy and not cause me mental pain #happy new years my children #we made it wooo #🥳🎉🎉🎉👏🎊 #time to spend my new years taking a nap #goodnight my loves ❤️ #kisses all around #twisted wonderland #riddle rosehearts #azul ashengrotto #azul has contacts in okay I don’t wanna hear it #ID ONT KNOW HOW TO DRAW GLASSESS #also don’t even question the tentacles bc even idk where they’re coming for #I meant from sad face #we’ll say it’s magic #why are the emojis so bi gtf

[ruporas]

captain's warm hugs! (id in alt)

#opfanart #one piece #monkey d luffy #roronoa zoro #nami #usopp #sanji #my first nongun art in 8 kabillion years. i watched opla recently and it resurged smth deep within me... #idk who of my first followers are still here but one piece has been like T_T urgh. my beginnings... i love this series so much #LUFFY especially - zoro is my favorite but luffy is the heart of the show!!! inaki's performance was really fun and carried that same #vibrancy - it made me sooo happy to see... and in general the romance dawn crew has always been dear to my heart uuu... the la gave a lot o #good bits between the og trio but i def wish we couldv seen more with usopp & sanji too. but maybe.. if we ever get a season 2 :'D #anyway i love the straw hats steadily getting used to luffy's shenanigans and even liking it at some point. the warming up part of all thei #friendships is so dear to me and its just a natural blossom of comfort and trust. and some of these mfs are Touch starved fr.... #ruporas art

[catmask]

if you ask me. being a good storyteller and love are inherently entwined. you cannot tell a good story without loving the people in it and loving those you tell it to. because to tell a good story is to understand it and its impact. to love is to understand how something moves through others and how to deliver it the way it would be best received. and how to breath life into something that did not exist before. storytelling is an act of creation sure but i do believe in all creation, there is love too. that there must be

#this is also sort of how i see/think about god #that if god isnt real. well then thats fine #god is the meaning we give to life. because as human beings we give things meaning. simply because we are humans and thats what we've alway #done. that could be god to me #but the other thing that could be 'god' is the idea that everything here is made with intention #not with the intent to control the outcome of the universe or the people within it but #with the intention to make something. and i do think that creation intention and love are inherently intertwined #txt #scratchpost

[welcometogrouchland]

[ID in ALT] I've made posts before about Talia/Dick co-parenting Damian moments (will never happen but let me dream) and this came to me in a vision. Took me ages to finish for some reason 😭 and then even longer to post

#dc comics #dc #damian wayne #dick grayson #talia al ghul #batfamily #dc robin #nightwing #anyway. yes im a self-indulgent ''dick as damians secret third parent'' truther #like i DO think it's way more complex and nuanced than the schmoopy affectionate fan portrayal of it #they're brothers they're father and son they're partners they're the dynamic duo except only in past tense etc etc #but consider! I'm not immune to schmoopy affection in fanworks. it compells me despite itself #anyway it's technically not that crazy when it comes to dick and damian. they hug! often! at least they did #it's not as big a leap to these types of scenarios #also talia ''somewhat absent for complex reasons on both her and damians part but very loving and loved by her son'' al ghul #you will always be famous to me #son of the demon origin...bwahhh #anyway. someone made a comic kind of like this/like a post i made abt this topic #but way funnier bc dick and talia starting trying to beat each other up #so go look at that as well #anyway. it's been a somewhat difficult few weeks so I'm. desperately trying to take it easy #i got some reading with me (first vol of kevin smiths GA run that i found second hand and jaimes BB run vol 2!) #so we'll see how far i get through those. considering there's demons in my head telling me to re-read things (LET ME OUT!!!) #when i finish GA and BB i do plan on rereading robin 2021. as a treat to myself #it's a run I've really warmed up to as time went on #I'm keeping up w/ the current b&r run even though it is. admittedly very slow w/ some weird dialogue #i read it for the damian content more than anything. also nikas back so that's neat :] #idk I have a feeling that after absolute power shakes out we might get some more creative team switch ups #so if anyone at dc is interested in taking over the reigns on b&r...that could be very neat #(it's me they should hire me. please DC i have ideas listen to my red hood pitch PLEASE-)